Last Man, The (2000) Movie Script
( street activity )
( street activity stops )
( alarm goes off )
Man:
Testing, testing. One...
two... three.
Hello.
My name is Alan Gould.
If you're finding this tape,
you're probably a new race
that's gone through our cities
and noticed that everyone's...
dead. Oh.
Except for birds and bees--
things with wings that can fly.
Anyway, you're probably wondering:
"What the hell happened?!"
I don't know why I made it,
but I think
I can explain the rest.
Now... technically...
it could have been a lot of things.
A neutron weapon...
some kind of nerve agent.
We had plenty
of that one around.
Or maybe some sort of...
deadly virus
the government was studying.
Truthfully...
I don't know exactly
what happened.
But I do know this:
some fucker
ruined everything!
Sorry.
But what happened here...
and what happened
since the first time some guy
hit another guy with a rock,
all comes down to the fact
that someone...
didn't get loved.
So they got even.
So you don't think
I'm talking out of my ass--
'cause I'm the last guy--
I think that I have
some insight here.
Up until everything ended,
I was a graduate student
in anthropology.
I studied the Chetabi Indians
of the Brazilian rainforest.
This is them... that's me.
Now, the Chetabi
were very interesting
because they were primitive--
totally primitive.
I mean, seriously,
these people were scared of...
shiny things.
But they were... peaceful.
And they survived as a race
for 4000 years.
Now... what did the Chetabi know,
that we didn't?
The Chetabi understood
that when you became attached,
when you cared
too much for things,
or for people...
that eventually,
you would be crushed...
when you lost them.
This would cause hate...
and envy.
And so, they developed...
Goyen Hai,
the principle of detachment.
And they managed to get over...
needy emotions.
I mean,
that is this guy's wife!
Now, what happened is a crime.
It's a horrible fucking thing.
'Cause I'm stuck out here,
living in the woods,
'cause it's too depressing
downtown.
My whole life has become
some giant Twilight Zone episode!
You never get a second chance
at certain things.
But it's all right.
I'm okay.
Because, fortunately, having studied
the Chetabi for six years,
two on scholarship,
I think I have mastered detachment.
I definitely got that down.
But I can't let this
happen again.
So, hopefully,
this tape will be a way for me
to pass along
what I've learned...
so you guys don't wind up
killing each other.
Well, that's it.
But I think this will be fun!
- ( turns on siren )
- Woo-hoo!
This is the time
I remember
First day of school
Sweet September
We fell in love
In the summer
I'm still hearing
All the kids whisper...
( paper rustling )
( oven door opening )
( oven door closing )
( beeping )
( rattling )
...Now it seems
Like such a bad dream
Come back, come back,
right back to me
You don't even know, people
What it feels like...
It's amazing how long
this stuff stays fresh.
It's funny, you know?
All this is mine.
I should feel free
to do whatever I want.
What the hell,
it doesn't mean anything.
How are you? It's the midnight show
here at the Last Man Lounge,
and I'm taking requests.
Anybody?
Hello? Hello?
Is this thing on?
I guess it's dead
out there tonight,
so I'll play
one of my favorites.
I hope it's one of yours.
It goes something like this...
( plays Beethoven sonata )
It occurred to me that I let
a few emotions slide yesterday.
But I want you to know
that no matter what,
I will not edit this tape.
The Chetabi
achieved detachment
by making everyone reveal...
their hidden feelings,
no matter how embarrassing.
The shame would
eventually wear off.
Which is why
I am now preparing...
for this Chetabi
humility ritual.
When a secret bad thought
was discovered,
the offender was covered in mud...
to single him out.
And then it was felt
that public... masturbation
would add a deeper layer...
of shame...
and cleanse the soul...
of evil thoughts...
and foolish pride.
So...
This may take a minute.
I have to think back.
But I'm comfortable with it.
I am.
I'm not trying
to justify anything,
but this mud is cold.
- ( woman screams )
- Alan: Wait!
Woman: No! No!
- No!
- Alan: Wait! Wait!
Wait!
- ( woman screams )
- Wait!
Our Father Who art in Heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.
Forgive me, please,
forgive me. I'm sorry...
It's all right.
It's all right!
I'm not going to hurt you!
I'm from the Bay area!
Oh God!
( woman weeps )
I went to my mother's house...
and she was in the shower...
all twisted up...
lying in the bottom...
the water running.
My mother--
Alan: It's okay.
It's okay.
Woman: I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just--
when I first saw you, I--
I thought
I was being punished.
No, you're not
being punished.
You seem great.
You don't know me.
Look, what happened--
it was everybody's fault.
It's stupid fucking pride.
Yes.
That's what caused
the accident.
No.
It wasn't an accident.
God was angry.
He wanted to leave me alone.
And then...
when I saw you,
all covered,
and with the smoke...
I thought you were--
God?
No.
But you seem decent.
You're a decent person, right?
So then, maybe I have a chance.
There we go.
Day-- I don't know--
five?
Hi, guys.
The camera's been off
for a little while.
Sorry about that.
But I met this terrific girl.
And we had to get
to know each other.
I'll get back to you on that.
I first want you to meet her.
Sarah? Come here.
You'll love her.
She's terrific.
Sarah?
( both laugh )
So--
Anyway, Sarah is going
to stay with us for a while.
- For a long while.
- He's very good.
He's a very good man.
And I explained to her that we are
making this serious documentary--
Do you know
about the Chetabi?
They were Indians.
( mimics Indians )
No, come on.
This serious documentary
on how not
to screw up the Earth.
So, tell them
about yourself, Sarah.
I don't want to film now.
No, come on,
you're a fresh face.
They want to see a fresh,
beautiful face.
Tell them about yourself.
Alan: Okay...
I guess you guys
don't need to see that.
Hi. It's still day five.
Sarah nodded off,
so I thought we could talk.
She's something, huh?
I mean, she's... pretty,
and smart,
and incredibly sexy.
A little mixed up philosophically,
but what can you expect right now?
She seems
to have fallen for me.
It was...
a meant-to-be thing,
I think.
We spent the whole day
just talking about stuff...
you know?
Then we tried to figure out things
we had in common,
to see why we survived.
It turns out
it's either
an allergy to ragweed,
or the fact
that we both take zinc.
But she's great.
She's got
this cute little laugh.
God, I love her laugh.
We made love tonight.
It was unbelievable!
I'm really not surprised
things turned out like this.
Itjust proves
the Chetabi were right.
They say:
"Expect nothing from the sky,
and it will bring you
cool rain."
So, have no expectations, my friends!
It works gangbusters!
Good morning, sweetie.
Breakfast is coming up.
Well... you seem
a little tired out.
So...
whenever you're ready.
Where's my baby?
Pretty little baby
Here's my baby,
pulling up here now
My friend Jack
is on the make
Yes, he stole
my last two dates
Gotta leave this town
Gotta leave this town
Gotta leave town
and move to someplace new.
Here you go.
I made them Florentine.
The garnish is fake, though.
Oops, sorry.
So, we...
had some drinks last night.
Yes.
And we...
had a good time.
I've never felt closer
to anyone.
That's good. I just...
still feel
a little sick is all.
Well, you've been
through a lot.
Okay...
you go back to bed
and I'll clean up here.
And later, we can go into town
and you can pick some stuff up.
Okay.
Hii...
Hii... ya...
Hii... ya...
Don't you have anything
kind of modern?
This is a Chetabi
love ritual.
The second hour
really picks up.
( radio static )
- ( soft music playing )
- This isn't bad.
- It's flapping.
- It's not flapping.
I can feel it
flapping in the wind.
We can't hold it.
We should have tied it down better.
- Don't worry. It's fine.
- It's not fine!
What's wrong with you?
We can get another table.
No, Alan.
I still feel sort of...
peaked.
But we drank
three nights ago, sweetie.
I know.
That's how it gets me.
The thing is, Sarah,
since you feel
that God is behind this,
that I would think you'd feel
sort of a responsibility
in a biblical way to...
propagate the Earth.
Come on, Alan.
What? We're going to have a child?
Who will they have children with?
Another one of ours?
Start a whole race
of imbeciles.
Yeah, if you're going
to logic it out.
Don't be mad.
Hi.
Something's not right
with Sarah.
I'm not expecting anything.
But still, everything was going fine
on days four and five.
But by day seven,
she started in
with these moods.
She's not as...
open as she was.
I mean, everything
started off great.
But I feel almost
like there's this--
this... thistle traps...
are what the Chetabi
used to capture the rodents,
thus keeping them fresh...
for the big evening roast.
Well, that about covers
the traps...
and the big roast.
We'll talk about
after-dinner dancing later.
Morning.
Morning.
How are you feeling?
Listen, there's something
I want to do.
I'd like to use
the camera for a while.
I think
it'll make things better.
Sure.
I'll film anything you want.
No, this is private.
I'd like to film by myself.
Oh.
Okay.
Hi.
I'm Sarah.
We've already met,
but not really.
I wanted to talk to you
a little bit
about the way
you handle things in life.
Alan, please!
What I wanted
was to warn you...
about people like me.
You believe
You can do
Nothing to save yourseIf
You've got demons,
you need him
And you're afraid
to trust yourself.
- Hey.
- Morning.
Powdered eggs Benedict.
That's absolutely delicious!
What do you say
we take a little ride?
Sure.
I've got this great idea!
Cool!
What?
We'll go find
other people!
Wait! Sarah!
We both know what the story
is out there.
You drove halfway
across the country!
I found you.
There's got to be others.
- But--
- We owe it to them.
But, what about--
Last night, we--
I don't want you
to get disappointed.
What?!
What is really going on,
Sarah?
And don't tell me
it's last week's tequila shots,
because that's wearing
a little thin. What is wrong?
- Nothing.
- Bull!
You've been acting
strange for days.
Well, maybe
I am strange, Alan.
Who do you think I am, huh?
You think I'm just some good-looking
girl from across the bar?
Or some Penthouse fantasy
you just lucked into?
What the hell
are you talking about?!
I don't know.
I'm scared.
Which is it, that I don't know you,
or that you're scared?
Maybe it's your big underwear.
It was a joke.
Alan. I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Please, give me some time.
I just need
to think about things.
We'll leave after lunch.
Look, Sarah.
I knew this would happen.
I'm sorry.
We just have to accept that--
that we only have each other.
But that's okay.
We'll be fine.
Don't ever leave me.
Alan: Well, Sarah and I
finally started settling in.
I guess things don't always flow
exactly the way you plan,
which is why you shouldn't plan.
But it's very clear that
she's attracted underneath.
So if she needs some time
to tap into her feelings for me,
that's fine.
As the Chetabi say,
"If you want to fence in a goat,
give it plenty of grazing land."
Still...
I'm not sure why I have
to sleep out here for now.
The whole thing
is very confusing.
What is it she needs
to figure out?
Sure, I've got my problems...
I sweat a lot, can't deny it;
love handles, yeah,
I've got those;
but...
I am the last guy
on Earth, okay?
What the world needs now
Is love, sweet love
It's the only thing
That there's just
too little of
What the world needs now
Is love, sweet love.
Alan:
Know thatjust the sound--
Oh my God! Stop! Stop! !
Man: Hey...
thanks for stopping.
Hi.
Yeah,
I'm glad you guys stopped.
I wasn't getting any rides.
My name's Raphael.
Rides?
He doesn't know.
A nerve agent?
Sarah: No.
It was something bigger.
It was God,
I think, starting over.
How come I survived?
I don't know.
- Are you allergic to ragweed?
- No.
Do you take zinc?
Yeah.
There's a reason
for everything.
Jesus.
My mom...
and my brother Todd...
we had this whole plan
to build our own putt-putt
goIf course out in Oregon.
I was on my way there.
I never got
to meet Roy Orbison.
He...
actually died before all this.
What?
- Are you all right?
- I guess.
Maybe I just need
a minute alone,
- as retarded as that sounds.
- It's okay.
I'm okay.
Jeez, that's pretty good.
It'll be like camping forever.
Well, that's true.
That's one way
of looking at it.
Will you stay with us?
I will never leave.
Alan:
There's been a new development.
We discovered a third person.
His name is Raphael.
We saw him hitchhiking
and immediately stopped.
Shockingly, he didn't know
what had happened.
He was a little shy
of the casualties at first,
but quickly nicknamed
them "grippers."
He seems eager to make
the best of things,
although I admit
I have some concerns.
without getting frustrated--
not that it could be challenged
at this point.
But he seems like a good guy.
I don't expect any surprises.
Still, on the way home,
he was telling these endless stories
from when he was camping,
like how he set his own broken
wrist with wet bark.
Sarah tried hard to be patient,
and he could take that
as something else.
But I'm not worried.
It'll be good having someone new
around to show the ropes.
( Raphael sings Reveille )
Raphael: It's wake up time.
Hey...
breakfast is burning.
Let's go.
Sarah: Good morning.
Man, flapjacks.
Did you know
who they're named after?
- Jack Dempsey.
- Really?
I thought it was before then,
during the Civil War--
No, it was Dempsey. 'Cause of the way
he'd pound guys into the mat.
They'd all yell,
"Flap 'em, Jack!"
Flap 'em?
You mean,
"Flatten them, Jack"?
No, "Flap 'em."
You know,
with your flaps.
Plus, their faces
looked like pancakes after.
Ouch!
Hey, work detail
in 20 minutes.
That's enough blueberry.
Next up...
boysenberry.
Man, this ain't bad!
Well, I'm country good,
and I'm city fast
I'm ready-made
and built to last
Just a local unarmed guard
you've come to find
Skyscraper low
and backwoods high
I'm standing still
and floating by
Defending to my death
what always was
I'm defending to my death
what always was
I'm defending to my death
what always was.
I just think
it's a little silly.
We eat every day.
Why such a big deal tonight,
filming the whole thing,
and with this costume ball?
Sarah:
Come on, I think it's sweet.
We spent the whole afternoon
fixing the place up.
- He just wants to celebrate.
- Invitations, Sarah?
Is this Gilligan's Island?
- Sarah: Have a little fun.
- I know how to have fun, okay?
Woo-hoo!
That's fun!
This is just show-offy.
( oriental music playing )
- Alan: Wow.
- Sarah: Check it out, Alan.
Raphael: Pull up a pillow
and take a load off.
Sarah: Oh my God.
I cannot believe this.
This is amazing.
I may have misjudged
the situation.
I have a very peaceful nature,
but Raphael is getting on my nerves,
telling these stupid stories
every two seconds,
and all this other childish crap.
He's changing everything.
And Sarah!
Acting like it's funny, as though
she could be charmed by him.
You think I'm crazy?
Here, I'll show you something.
I'll go now
to a direct video feed.
This is us,
just having dinner.
Raphael: ...And I finally realized,
that was no stuffed rabbit.
And those weren't raisins.
Wait, that doesn't make
any sense.
Raphael and Sarah:
Chee chaw!
Alan: What is this "chee chaw" stuff?
What does it mean?
It's like some little
"inside" thing.
When did they get the time
to work out inside jokes?
Did I ever tell you
about the time
when I set
my own broken wrist?
Yeah, the other day.
Well, I set it with bark.
I almost sprained
my ankle up there too.
You've got to be careful,
because with a sprained ankle,
out in the woods,
it's worse than appendicitis.
- Why?
- With a bad appendix, you've a chance.
But with a sprained ankle,
you get caught out there,
you just lay there
till you get found by animals.
That's ridiculous.
You could make crutches
out of tree trunks and hobble out!
- Sarah: God.
- That's ridiculous.
You could make crutches
out of tree trunks and hobble out.
But if your appendix bursts,
you'd be finished.
But how will you find tree trunks
if you can't walk?
You crawl around
on your back
and you chop them down.
You chop them down
on your back?
Yeah, you lay there
and you chop them.
It'll take a while,
but you've got time.
Alan: Did you see the way
she jumped in there
and defended him like that?
And watch this...
It's not like it's
the end of the world or anything.
Alan:
Look at her body position.
She was fully standing,
completely stable,
and yet he holds on!
And now look...
See that?! See that?!
A-ha!
See? Something is not right.
I can't understand what's going
through Sarah's head.
What could she be thinking?
Something's not right.
Sarah: I wanted to talk
to you a little about...
the way you handle things
in life--
relationships--
because there's--
Alan, please!
What I wanted
was to warn you...
about people like me.
It's Michael.
We used to go out.
He was a great guy.
He was crazy about me.
He's dead now.
I feel like I--
I killed him
a little bit first...
by sleeping with his friend.
I did the same kind of thing
to my old roommate, Sharon.
And...
a few other people.
I have some problems.
I'm a very...
weak person.
That's why
I'm being punished.
But I can't be alone.
I'm scared about Alan.
itjust...
doesn't feel right with him.
You know how he is.
And physically, it's just--
I keep hoping
my feelings will change,
but it's so hard.
I know if he finds out,
he'll leave me alone,
but I've got
to do things right this time.
I have to try
to find other people.
I've got to try
to find other people--
( loud music playing )
Alan: Okay.
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking I shouldn't be
installing these cameras,
but if people are going to have secrets,
I have a right to know,
because when you have secrets,
there is no detachment.
And without detachment,
you have a planet full of dead people.
So, things must be watched,
until all these secrets
can be flushed out.
And only then can we have open,
honest behavior--
Raphael:
What are you doing?
Nothing...
- just a little Chetabi work.
- Thank you for that disco ball.
- It looks great in Rancho Raphael.
- Sure, sure.
How about a relaxation break?
- I'll really have to catch up.
- Come on. Come on.
I want to talk to you
about something.
So, you had something
on your mind?
I was thinking about
how we're really alone.
You mean, philosophically?
No, I mean... how there aren't
any other people.
Uh-huh.
And I realized
we might have some problems.
In what ways?
I mean, like together.
With you, me and Sarah.
Yeah?
I was kind of concerned, because
there's this back and forth thing
going on between
Sarah and me...
and I didn't want to mess up
anything you guys have got.
You were together first...
and I don't want to interfere
like some homewrecker.
Oh...
I understand how you feel.
'Cause I know how you try
to be spiritual,
but it seemed like you might have
slipped and gotjealous.
Oh no...
that's just
a little flu thing that I had.
No, no, there's no problem.
Sarah and I have...
a solid understanding.
I'm not possessive of her.
We're above all that.
When you follow a spiritual framework,
there's no jealousy anymore.
- You might want to do some reading.
- Thanks.
Raphey's not really a bad guy.
Bright even, in a way.
Just a little confused, but
you have to give people a break.
And Sarah, I sensed
that she was going stir-crazy,
but she just needed to meet a new
person, get it out of her system.
Raphael has taken her out
for a picnic to set things straight.
I guess
he'll let her down easy.
She'll be fine.
Then, everything will be
back to normal again.
It'll be good.
It's 7:30.
They aren't back yet.
It could be kind of a late,
dinnery picnic.
There's no rule that says
picnic has to be lunch.
Besides,
they have a lot to talk about.
It's fine.
Okay, it's 1 1 :00.
and that does not concern me
from any standpoint
other than a safety concern,
which is why I am routinely
checking the area
in case of an accident.
It's 4:30
in the fucking morning!
Where are they?!
I should have gone!
I'm such a fool!
"Give people a break"!
Forget that!
That is canceled!
( sniffing )
- Raphael: Want some?
- Sarah: No.
Raphael:
There's plenty more.
So what are you going
to tell Mr. Magoo?
- Leave him alone.
- Sorry.
Didn't mean nothing.
Come here.
Come on, Mary Ann...
come here.
Come here.
Morning.
Got to use the bathroom.
Kind of a crazy night.
Who would have figured?
I guess I really
didn't know I was...
in love.
I kind of owe it to you.
I wouldn't have made a move
hadn't you okayed it...
by telling me you were
non-possessive and all.
So, thanks.
I see my mistake now.
Trying to be a nice guy.
Even the Chetabi were prepared
for the battle against nature.
"When the hunter goes against
the bull cricket or the tree weevil,
hands are fair game.
But against the lion
or the viper,
he knows to add
claws and fangs."
This guy doesn't have
anything over me.
We're going to turn
this puppy around.
Well, I'm a lovesick fool
I graduated
from Heartbreak school
I do the best that I can
But then I see you
with another man
You know it's hurting me
Yeah, you're pretending
that you just don't see
How can you be so cruel
To a lovesick fool?
Well, I do, I do,
I do, I do, I do, I do
I love you, baby
Well, I do
and I do and I do
And I don't mean, baby
I've got
some lovesick blues
I got this loneliness
that I can't lose
I can't sleep at night
I miss you, baby,
with all my mind
I try to pass you by
But when I look at you...
( Raphael cheers )
Raphael:
Come on! Come on!
Come on!
Come on, Big Al.
Come on, jump on!
Carnival rides.
I can't compete with that.
This isn't me.
This is stupid!
See, this is what happens
when you go against
everything you know
and you give in
to your petty thoughts.
You guys must be
pretty disgusted.
Beat them
at their own game, pff!
- Raphael: Come on, baby. Give me that.
- ( Sarah laughs )
Raphael: Come on!
Beat them with your strengths!
That's what you do!
Okay, I may not be Mr. Cool guy,
but I'm pretty smart, and
that guy's practically a moron.
Sarah's got to see that.
So out of everybody, she brushed me
with the ostrich feather,
and she's like the God
of the Ashram.
Everyone there said there were
divine reasons for the whole thing.
I tried to get her out
for a beer to discuss it,
but they don't drink.
So I sat down and
I wrote a haiku about it.
That's a special Japanese poem.
It almost won an award.
- You want to hear it?
- Sure.
All right.
"One lone man got brushed
Then in a bar, he got flushed
Had to call a cab."
See, it's tricky.
You can only use 1 7 syllables.
Five, then seven,
then five, exactly.
It took me a couple of hours
to shave it down.
Wow, that is tricky.
So...
another one might be:
"He went for knowledge
Instead, he got good and drunk
Is nothing sacred?"
Yeah.
I guess that works out
to 1 7 syllables.
That's fun. Hey, wait.
How about this one:
"They heard his stories
He swore they were true always
Still, one never knows."
Raphael: Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait.
"The man stumbled off
It happens to sore losers
They can't take the heat."
1 7 again!
What?
You think this impresses me?
- Humiliating him like that?
- Just making up poems.
It's cruel.
And it's beneath you.
Alan: Well,
that really backfired.
If I lose my mind
You'll be the first one
I would find...
The following weeks became
a somewhat dark period for me.
...The last thing
I would see...
I guess you just have to accept
when things don't go your way.
...If I lose my head
You'll be the first one
out of there...
Plus, I realized
they were great together.
But then, after many,
many nights alone in my trailer,
I realized something else.
There's no other women!
And besides,
she liked me first,
and he's just a reckless fool.
Things just need
to be made clear.
The Chetabi also say,
"With a helping hand, the snake
will bite its own tail."
All I have to do...
is wait.
Would you stop?
Did you take something?
Just a little wake-me-up.
Good morning.
- Hey.
- Good morning.
Mmm...
Is that chicory?
No.
Listen.
I just want to let bygones be bygones.
What do you say?
- Of course, Alan.
- Sure.
Great.
Woo-hoo!
- Come on, guys. Get in.
- It's too cold for me.
Come on, get in.
Raphael: Hey...
I want to play a little joke.
Let see how long
I can hold my breath.
Come on. Don't mess around.
It's not funny.
- I'll time you.
- You're on.
All right. One...
two... three.
Where is he at?
Come on, you won.
You're the champ.
Raphael, come on.
Alan, look for him.
Sarah: My God! Alan,
help him! Help him!
Alan: I can't see where he went.
It's too dark.
Raphael!
- Alan, find him!
- Alan: I can't see him!
- Gotcha!
- Son of a bitch!
Fucking moron!
Sorry. It was a joke.
I'm not a goddamn moron!
Alan: Come on, Sarah.
Come on.
That's part of his charm.
He doesn't mean any harm.
I know, but it can cause harm.
You can't be unreliable
in these circumstances.
Look, we can catch any mistakes
that he makes.
Come on, it's not like
he's a drug addict or something.
Yeah. Anyway, tell him
I expect an apology.
Of course.
It's no biggie. She said
she's a little overtired
and it's probably best
to let it go.
- You think?
- Yeah, man.
Just be yourself.
That'll snap her out of it.
Good advice. Okay.
Raphael: Hey...
you think I can go off the chair
and make it?
Go for it.
Do your gripper.
Dinner.
Woo! 44 to zip, and still
champion of the world:
Raphael!
Let's mix this up.
( cars honking )
Candied yams. All right!
So I was thinking about putting
a whole dirt bike course.
It'd be cool,
with jumps and everything.
- What do you think, Al?
- I love dirt racing.
Relax.
It's not fun to be
the last people on Earth lately.
It's not supposed to be fun.
- What does that mean?
- We have responsibilities.
We should contribute something.
Alan has his research,
and I want to do something
instead of sitting around all day.
What do you want to do?
Well... I was thinking
about a memorial...
to good people who never got noticed
'cause everybody died so fast.
I had this idea how to do it.
With balloons,
each one carrying a little pouch
with somebody's story in it.
And they could just scatter everywhere
for somebody to find someday.
- You could help me write them.
- Okay.
Yeah, that's cool.
I could even put them in a net
that would release with a charge.
We could have a launch ceremony
right in the middle of the camp.
Okay.
But we'll release them
from the ridge.
Gee, it's kind of high.
I said the ridge!
It'll be beautiful.
Okay, we're secure.
I've just got
to pack the cap.
I checked my notes.
I think I worked out
to 54 grams.
Yeah, that's what it says.
Raphael: Okay...
Done deal.
- Sarah: Are we all set?
- Raphael: Yep.
Hello.
Today is a very special day,
because we are honoring those
who contributed to our world,
but went unrecognized.
I'm speaking
of those people I knew
who contributed to our world
and made things better in a small way.
and many others whose stories
will now be carried to the far winds.
Remember them.
No!
I just don't understand it.
It still looked
kind of cool, though.
Yeah.
( Sarah and Raphael
arguing in the distance )
Things...
seem to have changed.
I knew they would eventually.
Sarah needed
to wake up a little bit.
The female brush boar
circles the males,
until she finds her mate,
and then she never leaves.
It was inevitable.
- ( knocking )
- It's Raphael.
Can I come in?
- Yeah, sure.
- Am I interrupting anything?
No, just making
some crank calls.
What?
You old dog you!
I wanted to talk to you.
- Is that thing on?
- No. What's up?
I don't know.
Something's weird with Sarah.
- How do you mean?
- She's pissed about the balloon fiasco,
and 'cause of the day
at the stream.
But it's more than that.
It's her attitude...
Alan!
Wake up!
Wake up, God damn it!
- What? I'm awake.
- Raphael.
He was here.
He went out for a spin.
Did you say something to him?
Did you?!
- We talked a little. Why?
- What did you say?!
Nothing. What's wrong?
He's gone, Alan.
He's gone.
Jesus.
I figure she talks to you.
You might know
what's going on.
Well, no, she doesn't really talk
to me so much anymore,
since things changed.
Raphael:
I guess that's my fault.
I really am sorry
about that.
You didn't exactly have
a fair chance.
Alan: Well, it's okay.
You know, I know
what you mean about Sarah.
And you shouldn't
take it the wrong way.
Sarah was raised
around a certain type of person,
and it's what she's used to.
A certain amount of education,
that sort of thing.
You know, when she thinks
someone's a little slow for her.
Raphael: I'm not slow.
If that's what she thinks,
she can kiss my ass.
Who the fuck
does she think she is?
I'm not some white-trash
motherfucker!
The funny thing is...
I actually love her.
She's right, I'm probably
not good enough for her...
but I really did love her.
Alan:
Things were rough for a while.
Raphael's disappearance
was a big blow to Sarah.
And I've got to say, I feel
pretty crappy about the whole thing.
But he wasn't exactly
Mother Teresa,
and I honestly think
it's for the best.
( melancholy ballad playing )
- Morning.
- Morning.
Alan: And now, well...
things are good.
They're really, really good.
Who's my little sleepy bear?
Come on, it's breakfast time.
- Here we go.
- No, that's okay.
It's spilling.
What time is it?
It's like...
4:00 in the morning, isn't it?
Yeah.
Let's do something.
What do you want to do?
I don't know. Maybe we could
sleep a little longer.
Then, we could... read.
After we sleep.
Okay.
You could read to me.
Yeah. Okay.
But I'm going to get 40 more.
Winks.
Hi.
I really felt it was about time
we got back to our Chetabi lessons.
So I thought we'd spend the afternoon
discussing rock prints.
They were used as a record,
like cave paintings,
but they captured
internal experience
rather than mere events.
The Chetabi would douse themselves
in coloring...
then think about
their ordeal during--
I don't know,
a big hunt or whatever--
and make a print.
( screams )
Really, they were...
a far more accurate
representation--
- Hey, honey.
- Hey.
You have paint on you.
I'm kind of in the middle
of a piece here.
Sorry. I'll just sit here
and watch.
Okay, as I said,
they really were
a more accurate representation
than, say, some stick figure
of a buffalo falling in a hole...
because they captured
the brutal essence of--
no, honey.
No. You're messing up
the rock print.
- Oh, sorry.
- It's serious stuff here,
and I kind of need to concentrate
to get through it.
I'll be real quiet.
You won't even know I'm here.
Okay.
Now, as I was saying,
one can sense
the true brutal nature
of the animal running down...
the--
the thing is...
I can't concentrate
while you're sitting there...
is the thing.
Okay.
Fine!
What was that?
It's kind of odd behavior,
don't you think?
Odd.
Eat your carrots.
No, honey,
I don't like them.
- They're good for your eyes.
- Sarah.
- Sarah: Here comes the airplane.
- I don't like car--
Sarah:
Open up. I said, open up!
What are you doing?
I said, I don't like carrots!
Come on, what's wrong?
- You're going to leave.
- No, I'm not.
Yes, you are!
You'll leave me here alone!
I won't leave.
I just don't like carrots.
I'll never leave you.
Alan:
Things have been interesting.
Sarah and I have been spending
all of our time together.
A great deal of time.
And I guess
I've had some time to think.
Sarah, screaming: Alan!
I said maxi pads!
These things are useless!
But I got two cases
of these things.
Alan: And really, things
aren't working out perfectly.
Sarah's fine,
but she clings to me.
Like I'm going to disappear
if I go to the bathroom.
Jesus.
I live by certain principles,
and the Chetabi understood
that when you're too attached,
it puts pressure on things.
I need some breathing room.
Just for a little while.
It'll be good for us.
I've got to talk to her.
That little laugh of hers
is driving me nuts.
Now, birthday boy,
you just sit right there.
It's time for your big surprise.
Come on, I don't like
making such a big deal.
- The Chetabi didn't do birthdays.
- Never you mind.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Alan
Happy birthday to you.
Now, blow out your candles.
Yeah! Now...
it is time for...
your big surprise.
- Can you guess what it is?
- I'm not good at that.
- Come on, guess.
- A new car.
- No. Guess again.
- A lifetime supply of everything.
Alan, come on.
It's really exciting.
I don't know.
Is it something new?
It's brand new, but it's been
going on since ancient times.
A Bible?
A watch?
- They had those back then.
- No.
No?
It's brand new...
but it's been going on since--
Are you pregnant?
- No.
- Oh.
It's a copy of
your goddamn dissertation.
I gathered it up and
sewed the binding myself.
- It's a great gift.
- Why did you ask if I was pregnant?
I didn't mean it
to sound that way.
How did you mean it
to sound?
You said it
the way you meant it.
There was a time
when you'd joke about
how we had to sleep together all day
to fill up the Earth.
- And now, you're going to leave me.
- I'm not!
Why do you keep saying that?
Jesus, Sarah!
I don't know.
I just feel that lately,
we've been
on top of each other.
I just need
some breathing room...
to step back and think.
- What's to think about?
- Nothing.
I think we should
change things a little.
Be more like friends...
for a while.
I didn't have
to put on this dress,
or these miserable high heels,
or give you this fucking party.
'Cause you know what? I'm the last
fucking woman on this Earth!
I could sit around
eating bon-bons all day,
wearing a house coat
and gain 300 pounds.
And you know what?
You'd stilI have to fuck me.
But I was being nice.
It's going to work out.
We just need some time.
( engine roaring )
Where is she?
Where the hell were you?!
Off raiding some pharmacy chain?
- Where is she, Alan?
- She doesn't want to talk to you.
Sarah?
- Sarah?
- No, don't listen to him!
- Sarah!
- Sarah! I'm sorry!
What I said--
I was confused.
- I'm sorry.
- I had to go.
I thought that...
you didn't want me here
anymore.
But then, I found one.
I guess you've learned
the same lessons I have.
I started this tape to teach you
about decent behavior,
but the truth is,
I was happier back then.
You saw what happened.
These people moved in,
and they ruined everything!
They screwed around with my emotions,
like I was nothing.
You can't manipulate
someone like that.
And if that's what it's going
to be like living together,
I'll just go it alone.
They can move out and
build their own fucking camp,
or I'll break his goddamn neck--
I don't care how tough he is.
New rule:
be true to yourself.
Get out of there,
you son of a bitch!
This is my trailer.
I want you out of there.
I want both of you out of here.
This is my camp.
You can go build your own,
or go live in the fucking city.
- Piss off.
- What?!
Where do you get the audacity
to talk to me like that?
You come in here and
you fuck everything up--
Let me tell you something,
just once.
You're going to get out.
Get into your car
and drive away real quick.
Or I'll kick your ass
right back down to the highway.
Sarah: Forget it.
Just let it go, Raphael.
Sure! Sure!
Why don't all the beautiful people
just stick together
and fuck over everybody else?!
So you can stare at yourselves
and get off on how much better
you are than everybody else!?
It's over.
We know about you.
We watched the tape.
You're a sick motherfucker,
spying on us and twisting
everything around
in your little Chetabi
fantasy land.
Do you really think
that makes you better than us?
You're such a loser.
Now, get
the hell out of here.
Goodbye, Alan.
The Chetabi have a word for members
of the tribe who don't belong--
Kirosu.
These are people
who take advantage of others,
who don't mend their ways.
So, one morning...
they're just gone.
No one ever asks
any questions.
It's really very civilized.
I was wrong.
Violence isn't caused
by hate and envy.
It's caused
by these kinds of people--
people who aren't decent,
who corrupt innocent people.
The Chetabi say you have to cut away
the bad leaves to save the plant,
and I can't let these kinds
of people ruin the world again.
This isn't what I wanted,
but there's no other way.
I'll save
who walks this Earth
To give to you from birth
All the love our Father
felt for us on high
Now you dare
to speak His name
In tongues of fire
and shame
Repent, my friend,
or you will burn in hell
Your life is but the thing
which loving Jesus brings
And there will not be
a time after today
Come over here and bow
Get on your knees,
bow down...
I'm sorry
it had to be this way.
Shit!
Let's go.
...Without Jesus,
they will surely burn in hell
Your life is but the thing
which loving Jesus brings
And there will not be
a time after today...
Okay, I was a little hot
under the collar.
I'm not perfect.
So, I didn't kill them.
But I scared them like hell.
The Chetabi say
that a man is not a man
until he faces his own--
no, himself, his own face...
something like that.
Well...
that's all I have to offer.
I'm leaving this tape
at the supermarket,
next to the peanut butter
with the jelly already in it...
because everyone
is curious about that.
You'll wander over here eventually,
and you'll find it.
As for me,
I'm heading south.
The Chetabi are known to eat
a lot of leafy green vegetables,
and that stuff
is loaded with zinc.
So, maybe if they survived,
they'll let me hang around
and shoot the bull awhile.
I was trying to think of
a helpful way to finish this thing.
And I guess I realized...
life's a bitch, you know?
You've just got to try
to set some limits.
So...
be decent to each other.
That's the final thought.
And...
try to respect
each other's privacy.
That's something new
that we could add.
So those two things,
limits and privacy...
and... goodbye.
Aw, who am I kidding?
What the fuck do I know?
Damn old blues
Send me out to drink
Before the evening's through
You show up
I can't think
Everywhere I turn
You come into view
This world ain't big enough
For me and you
I'd drive 1 0,000 miles
If I thought
I could get away
But your memory
would follow me
Down every lonesome
and dark highway
Everywhere I go
The same old thing rings true
This world ain't big enough
For me and you
No, this world
ain't big enough
To disappear
when you're in love
You keep haunting
everything I do
Maybe someday,
we'll lose touch
I'll run so fast,
you can't keep up
This world ain't big enough
For me and you
Oooh yeah, yeah
Now this ain't some picnic
Near some shady tree
I can't shake
no peaches, baby
When you got
your little eye on me
Hearing everything I say
And watching what I do
This world ain't big enough
For me and you
No, this world
ain't big enough
To disappear
when you're in love
You keep haunting
every little thing I do
Maybe someday,
we'll lose touch
Yeah, I'll run so fast,
you can't keep up
This world ain't big enough
For me and you
Yeah, I cry
I'm going to survive
There just ain't no place
to run and hide
The world ain't big enough
For me and you
You know itjust ain't
big enough, darling.
( street activity stops )
( alarm goes off )
Man:
Testing, testing. One...
two... three.
Hello.
My name is Alan Gould.
If you're finding this tape,
you're probably a new race
that's gone through our cities
and noticed that everyone's...
dead. Oh.
Except for birds and bees--
things with wings that can fly.
Anyway, you're probably wondering:
"What the hell happened?!"
I don't know why I made it,
but I think
I can explain the rest.
Now... technically...
it could have been a lot of things.
A neutron weapon...
some kind of nerve agent.
We had plenty
of that one around.
Or maybe some sort of...
deadly virus
the government was studying.
Truthfully...
I don't know exactly
what happened.
But I do know this:
some fucker
ruined everything!
Sorry.
But what happened here...
and what happened
since the first time some guy
hit another guy with a rock,
all comes down to the fact
that someone...
didn't get loved.
So they got even.
So you don't think
I'm talking out of my ass--
'cause I'm the last guy--
I think that I have
some insight here.
Up until everything ended,
I was a graduate student
in anthropology.
I studied the Chetabi Indians
of the Brazilian rainforest.
This is them... that's me.
Now, the Chetabi
were very interesting
because they were primitive--
totally primitive.
I mean, seriously,
these people were scared of...
shiny things.
But they were... peaceful.
And they survived as a race
for 4000 years.
Now... what did the Chetabi know,
that we didn't?
The Chetabi understood
that when you became attached,
when you cared
too much for things,
or for people...
that eventually,
you would be crushed...
when you lost them.
This would cause hate...
and envy.
And so, they developed...
Goyen Hai,
the principle of detachment.
And they managed to get over...
needy emotions.
I mean,
that is this guy's wife!
Now, what happened is a crime.
It's a horrible fucking thing.
'Cause I'm stuck out here,
living in the woods,
'cause it's too depressing
downtown.
My whole life has become
some giant Twilight Zone episode!
You never get a second chance
at certain things.
But it's all right.
I'm okay.
Because, fortunately, having studied
the Chetabi for six years,
two on scholarship,
I think I have mastered detachment.
I definitely got that down.
But I can't let this
happen again.
So, hopefully,
this tape will be a way for me
to pass along
what I've learned...
so you guys don't wind up
killing each other.
Well, that's it.
But I think this will be fun!
- ( turns on siren )
- Woo-hoo!
This is the time
I remember
First day of school
Sweet September
We fell in love
In the summer
I'm still hearing
All the kids whisper...
( paper rustling )
( oven door opening )
( oven door closing )
( beeping )
( rattling )
...Now it seems
Like such a bad dream
Come back, come back,
right back to me
You don't even know, people
What it feels like...
It's amazing how long
this stuff stays fresh.
It's funny, you know?
All this is mine.
I should feel free
to do whatever I want.
What the hell,
it doesn't mean anything.
How are you? It's the midnight show
here at the Last Man Lounge,
and I'm taking requests.
Anybody?
Hello? Hello?
Is this thing on?
I guess it's dead
out there tonight,
so I'll play
one of my favorites.
I hope it's one of yours.
It goes something like this...
( plays Beethoven sonata )
It occurred to me that I let
a few emotions slide yesterday.
But I want you to know
that no matter what,
I will not edit this tape.
The Chetabi
achieved detachment
by making everyone reveal...
their hidden feelings,
no matter how embarrassing.
The shame would
eventually wear off.
Which is why
I am now preparing...
for this Chetabi
humility ritual.
When a secret bad thought
was discovered,
the offender was covered in mud...
to single him out.
And then it was felt
that public... masturbation
would add a deeper layer...
of shame...
and cleanse the soul...
of evil thoughts...
and foolish pride.
So...
This may take a minute.
I have to think back.
But I'm comfortable with it.
I am.
I'm not trying
to justify anything,
but this mud is cold.
- ( woman screams )
- Alan: Wait!
Woman: No! No!
- No!
- Alan: Wait! Wait!
Wait!
- ( woman screams )
- Wait!
Our Father Who art in Heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.
Forgive me, please,
forgive me. I'm sorry...
It's all right.
It's all right!
I'm not going to hurt you!
I'm from the Bay area!
Oh God!
( woman weeps )
I went to my mother's house...
and she was in the shower...
all twisted up...
lying in the bottom...
the water running.
My mother--
Alan: It's okay.
It's okay.
Woman: I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just--
when I first saw you, I--
I thought
I was being punished.
No, you're not
being punished.
You seem great.
You don't know me.
Look, what happened--
it was everybody's fault.
It's stupid fucking pride.
Yes.
That's what caused
the accident.
No.
It wasn't an accident.
God was angry.
He wanted to leave me alone.
And then...
when I saw you,
all covered,
and with the smoke...
I thought you were--
God?
No.
But you seem decent.
You're a decent person, right?
So then, maybe I have a chance.
There we go.
Day-- I don't know--
five?
Hi, guys.
The camera's been off
for a little while.
Sorry about that.
But I met this terrific girl.
And we had to get
to know each other.
I'll get back to you on that.
I first want you to meet her.
Sarah? Come here.
You'll love her.
She's terrific.
Sarah?
( both laugh )
So--
Anyway, Sarah is going
to stay with us for a while.
- For a long while.
- He's very good.
He's a very good man.
And I explained to her that we are
making this serious documentary--
Do you know
about the Chetabi?
They were Indians.
( mimics Indians )
No, come on.
This serious documentary
on how not
to screw up the Earth.
So, tell them
about yourself, Sarah.
I don't want to film now.
No, come on,
you're a fresh face.
They want to see a fresh,
beautiful face.
Tell them about yourself.
Alan: Okay...
I guess you guys
don't need to see that.
Hi. It's still day five.
Sarah nodded off,
so I thought we could talk.
She's something, huh?
I mean, she's... pretty,
and smart,
and incredibly sexy.
A little mixed up philosophically,
but what can you expect right now?
She seems
to have fallen for me.
It was...
a meant-to-be thing,
I think.
We spent the whole day
just talking about stuff...
you know?
Then we tried to figure out things
we had in common,
to see why we survived.
It turns out
it's either
an allergy to ragweed,
or the fact
that we both take zinc.
But she's great.
She's got
this cute little laugh.
God, I love her laugh.
We made love tonight.
It was unbelievable!
I'm really not surprised
things turned out like this.
Itjust proves
the Chetabi were right.
They say:
"Expect nothing from the sky,
and it will bring you
cool rain."
So, have no expectations, my friends!
It works gangbusters!
Good morning, sweetie.
Breakfast is coming up.
Well... you seem
a little tired out.
So...
whenever you're ready.
Where's my baby?
Pretty little baby
Here's my baby,
pulling up here now
My friend Jack
is on the make
Yes, he stole
my last two dates
Gotta leave this town
Gotta leave this town
Gotta leave town
and move to someplace new.
Here you go.
I made them Florentine.
The garnish is fake, though.
Oops, sorry.
So, we...
had some drinks last night.
Yes.
And we...
had a good time.
I've never felt closer
to anyone.
That's good. I just...
still feel
a little sick is all.
Well, you've been
through a lot.
Okay...
you go back to bed
and I'll clean up here.
And later, we can go into town
and you can pick some stuff up.
Okay.
Hii...
Hii... ya...
Hii... ya...
Don't you have anything
kind of modern?
This is a Chetabi
love ritual.
The second hour
really picks up.
( radio static )
- ( soft music playing )
- This isn't bad.
- It's flapping.
- It's not flapping.
I can feel it
flapping in the wind.
We can't hold it.
We should have tied it down better.
- Don't worry. It's fine.
- It's not fine!
What's wrong with you?
We can get another table.
No, Alan.
I still feel sort of...
peaked.
But we drank
three nights ago, sweetie.
I know.
That's how it gets me.
The thing is, Sarah,
since you feel
that God is behind this,
that I would think you'd feel
sort of a responsibility
in a biblical way to...
propagate the Earth.
Come on, Alan.
What? We're going to have a child?
Who will they have children with?
Another one of ours?
Start a whole race
of imbeciles.
Yeah, if you're going
to logic it out.
Don't be mad.
Hi.
Something's not right
with Sarah.
I'm not expecting anything.
But still, everything was going fine
on days four and five.
But by day seven,
she started in
with these moods.
She's not as...
open as she was.
I mean, everything
started off great.
But I feel almost
like there's this--
this... thistle traps...
are what the Chetabi
used to capture the rodents,
thus keeping them fresh...
for the big evening roast.
Well, that about covers
the traps...
and the big roast.
We'll talk about
after-dinner dancing later.
Morning.
Morning.
How are you feeling?
Listen, there's something
I want to do.
I'd like to use
the camera for a while.
I think
it'll make things better.
Sure.
I'll film anything you want.
No, this is private.
I'd like to film by myself.
Oh.
Okay.
Hi.
I'm Sarah.
We've already met,
but not really.
I wanted to talk to you
a little bit
about the way
you handle things in life.
Alan, please!
What I wanted
was to warn you...
about people like me.
You believe
You can do
Nothing to save yourseIf
You've got demons,
you need him
And you're afraid
to trust yourself.
- Hey.
- Morning.
Powdered eggs Benedict.
That's absolutely delicious!
What do you say
we take a little ride?
Sure.
I've got this great idea!
Cool!
What?
We'll go find
other people!
Wait! Sarah!
We both know what the story
is out there.
You drove halfway
across the country!
I found you.
There's got to be others.
- But--
- We owe it to them.
But, what about--
Last night, we--
I don't want you
to get disappointed.
What?!
What is really going on,
Sarah?
And don't tell me
it's last week's tequila shots,
because that's wearing
a little thin. What is wrong?
- Nothing.
- Bull!
You've been acting
strange for days.
Well, maybe
I am strange, Alan.
Who do you think I am, huh?
You think I'm just some good-looking
girl from across the bar?
Or some Penthouse fantasy
you just lucked into?
What the hell
are you talking about?!
I don't know.
I'm scared.
Which is it, that I don't know you,
or that you're scared?
Maybe it's your big underwear.
It was a joke.
Alan. I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Please, give me some time.
I just need
to think about things.
We'll leave after lunch.
Look, Sarah.
I knew this would happen.
I'm sorry.
We just have to accept that--
that we only have each other.
But that's okay.
We'll be fine.
Don't ever leave me.
Alan: Well, Sarah and I
finally started settling in.
I guess things don't always flow
exactly the way you plan,
which is why you shouldn't plan.
But it's very clear that
she's attracted underneath.
So if she needs some time
to tap into her feelings for me,
that's fine.
As the Chetabi say,
"If you want to fence in a goat,
give it plenty of grazing land."
Still...
I'm not sure why I have
to sleep out here for now.
The whole thing
is very confusing.
What is it she needs
to figure out?
Sure, I've got my problems...
I sweat a lot, can't deny it;
love handles, yeah,
I've got those;
but...
I am the last guy
on Earth, okay?
What the world needs now
Is love, sweet love
It's the only thing
That there's just
too little of
What the world needs now
Is love, sweet love.
Alan:
Know thatjust the sound--
Oh my God! Stop! Stop! !
Man: Hey...
thanks for stopping.
Hi.
Yeah,
I'm glad you guys stopped.
I wasn't getting any rides.
My name's Raphael.
Rides?
He doesn't know.
A nerve agent?
Sarah: No.
It was something bigger.
It was God,
I think, starting over.
How come I survived?
I don't know.
- Are you allergic to ragweed?
- No.
Do you take zinc?
Yeah.
There's a reason
for everything.
Jesus.
My mom...
and my brother Todd...
we had this whole plan
to build our own putt-putt
goIf course out in Oregon.
I was on my way there.
I never got
to meet Roy Orbison.
He...
actually died before all this.
What?
- Are you all right?
- I guess.
Maybe I just need
a minute alone,
- as retarded as that sounds.
- It's okay.
I'm okay.
Jeez, that's pretty good.
It'll be like camping forever.
Well, that's true.
That's one way
of looking at it.
Will you stay with us?
I will never leave.
Alan:
There's been a new development.
We discovered a third person.
His name is Raphael.
We saw him hitchhiking
and immediately stopped.
Shockingly, he didn't know
what had happened.
He was a little shy
of the casualties at first,
but quickly nicknamed
them "grippers."
He seems eager to make
the best of things,
although I admit
I have some concerns.
without getting frustrated--
not that it could be challenged
at this point.
But he seems like a good guy.
I don't expect any surprises.
Still, on the way home,
he was telling these endless stories
from when he was camping,
like how he set his own broken
wrist with wet bark.
Sarah tried hard to be patient,
and he could take that
as something else.
But I'm not worried.
It'll be good having someone new
around to show the ropes.
( Raphael sings Reveille )
Raphael: It's wake up time.
Hey...
breakfast is burning.
Let's go.
Sarah: Good morning.
Man, flapjacks.
Did you know
who they're named after?
- Jack Dempsey.
- Really?
I thought it was before then,
during the Civil War--
No, it was Dempsey. 'Cause of the way
he'd pound guys into the mat.
They'd all yell,
"Flap 'em, Jack!"
Flap 'em?
You mean,
"Flatten them, Jack"?
No, "Flap 'em."
You know,
with your flaps.
Plus, their faces
looked like pancakes after.
Ouch!
Hey, work detail
in 20 minutes.
That's enough blueberry.
Next up...
boysenberry.
Man, this ain't bad!
Well, I'm country good,
and I'm city fast
I'm ready-made
and built to last
Just a local unarmed guard
you've come to find
Skyscraper low
and backwoods high
I'm standing still
and floating by
Defending to my death
what always was
I'm defending to my death
what always was
I'm defending to my death
what always was.
I just think
it's a little silly.
We eat every day.
Why such a big deal tonight,
filming the whole thing,
and with this costume ball?
Sarah:
Come on, I think it's sweet.
We spent the whole afternoon
fixing the place up.
- He just wants to celebrate.
- Invitations, Sarah?
Is this Gilligan's Island?
- Sarah: Have a little fun.
- I know how to have fun, okay?
Woo-hoo!
That's fun!
This is just show-offy.
( oriental music playing )
- Alan: Wow.
- Sarah: Check it out, Alan.
Raphael: Pull up a pillow
and take a load off.
Sarah: Oh my God.
I cannot believe this.
This is amazing.
I may have misjudged
the situation.
I have a very peaceful nature,
but Raphael is getting on my nerves,
telling these stupid stories
every two seconds,
and all this other childish crap.
He's changing everything.
And Sarah!
Acting like it's funny, as though
she could be charmed by him.
You think I'm crazy?
Here, I'll show you something.
I'll go now
to a direct video feed.
This is us,
just having dinner.
Raphael: ...And I finally realized,
that was no stuffed rabbit.
And those weren't raisins.
Wait, that doesn't make
any sense.
Raphael and Sarah:
Chee chaw!
Alan: What is this "chee chaw" stuff?
What does it mean?
It's like some little
"inside" thing.
When did they get the time
to work out inside jokes?
Did I ever tell you
about the time
when I set
my own broken wrist?
Yeah, the other day.
Well, I set it with bark.
I almost sprained
my ankle up there too.
You've got to be careful,
because with a sprained ankle,
out in the woods,
it's worse than appendicitis.
- Why?
- With a bad appendix, you've a chance.
But with a sprained ankle,
you get caught out there,
you just lay there
till you get found by animals.
That's ridiculous.
You could make crutches
out of tree trunks and hobble out!
- Sarah: God.
- That's ridiculous.
You could make crutches
out of tree trunks and hobble out.
But if your appendix bursts,
you'd be finished.
But how will you find tree trunks
if you can't walk?
You crawl around
on your back
and you chop them down.
You chop them down
on your back?
Yeah, you lay there
and you chop them.
It'll take a while,
but you've got time.
Alan: Did you see the way
she jumped in there
and defended him like that?
And watch this...
It's not like it's
the end of the world or anything.
Alan:
Look at her body position.
She was fully standing,
completely stable,
and yet he holds on!
And now look...
See that?! See that?!
A-ha!
See? Something is not right.
I can't understand what's going
through Sarah's head.
What could she be thinking?
Something's not right.
Sarah: I wanted to talk
to you a little about...
the way you handle things
in life--
relationships--
because there's--
Alan, please!
What I wanted
was to warn you...
about people like me.
It's Michael.
We used to go out.
He was a great guy.
He was crazy about me.
He's dead now.
I feel like I--
I killed him
a little bit first...
by sleeping with his friend.
I did the same kind of thing
to my old roommate, Sharon.
And...
a few other people.
I have some problems.
I'm a very...
weak person.
That's why
I'm being punished.
But I can't be alone.
I'm scared about Alan.
itjust...
doesn't feel right with him.
You know how he is.
And physically, it's just--
I keep hoping
my feelings will change,
but it's so hard.
I know if he finds out,
he'll leave me alone,
but I've got
to do things right this time.
I have to try
to find other people.
I've got to try
to find other people--
( loud music playing )
Alan: Okay.
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking I shouldn't be
installing these cameras,
but if people are going to have secrets,
I have a right to know,
because when you have secrets,
there is no detachment.
And without detachment,
you have a planet full of dead people.
So, things must be watched,
until all these secrets
can be flushed out.
And only then can we have open,
honest behavior--
Raphael:
What are you doing?
Nothing...
- just a little Chetabi work.
- Thank you for that disco ball.
- It looks great in Rancho Raphael.
- Sure, sure.
How about a relaxation break?
- I'll really have to catch up.
- Come on. Come on.
I want to talk to you
about something.
So, you had something
on your mind?
I was thinking about
how we're really alone.
You mean, philosophically?
No, I mean... how there aren't
any other people.
Uh-huh.
And I realized
we might have some problems.
In what ways?
I mean, like together.
With you, me and Sarah.
Yeah?
I was kind of concerned, because
there's this back and forth thing
going on between
Sarah and me...
and I didn't want to mess up
anything you guys have got.
You were together first...
and I don't want to interfere
like some homewrecker.
Oh...
I understand how you feel.
'Cause I know how you try
to be spiritual,
but it seemed like you might have
slipped and gotjealous.
Oh no...
that's just
a little flu thing that I had.
No, no, there's no problem.
Sarah and I have...
a solid understanding.
I'm not possessive of her.
We're above all that.
When you follow a spiritual framework,
there's no jealousy anymore.
- You might want to do some reading.
- Thanks.
Raphey's not really a bad guy.
Bright even, in a way.
Just a little confused, but
you have to give people a break.
And Sarah, I sensed
that she was going stir-crazy,
but she just needed to meet a new
person, get it out of her system.
Raphael has taken her out
for a picnic to set things straight.
I guess
he'll let her down easy.
She'll be fine.
Then, everything will be
back to normal again.
It'll be good.
It's 7:30.
They aren't back yet.
It could be kind of a late,
dinnery picnic.
There's no rule that says
picnic has to be lunch.
Besides,
they have a lot to talk about.
It's fine.
Okay, it's 1 1 :00.
and that does not concern me
from any standpoint
other than a safety concern,
which is why I am routinely
checking the area
in case of an accident.
It's 4:30
in the fucking morning!
Where are they?!
I should have gone!
I'm such a fool!
"Give people a break"!
Forget that!
That is canceled!
( sniffing )
- Raphael: Want some?
- Sarah: No.
Raphael:
There's plenty more.
So what are you going
to tell Mr. Magoo?
- Leave him alone.
- Sorry.
Didn't mean nothing.
Come here.
Come on, Mary Ann...
come here.
Come here.
Morning.
Got to use the bathroom.
Kind of a crazy night.
Who would have figured?
I guess I really
didn't know I was...
in love.
I kind of owe it to you.
I wouldn't have made a move
hadn't you okayed it...
by telling me you were
non-possessive and all.
So, thanks.
I see my mistake now.
Trying to be a nice guy.
Even the Chetabi were prepared
for the battle against nature.
"When the hunter goes against
the bull cricket or the tree weevil,
hands are fair game.
But against the lion
or the viper,
he knows to add
claws and fangs."
This guy doesn't have
anything over me.
We're going to turn
this puppy around.
Well, I'm a lovesick fool
I graduated
from Heartbreak school
I do the best that I can
But then I see you
with another man
You know it's hurting me
Yeah, you're pretending
that you just don't see
How can you be so cruel
To a lovesick fool?
Well, I do, I do,
I do, I do, I do, I do
I love you, baby
Well, I do
and I do and I do
And I don't mean, baby
I've got
some lovesick blues
I got this loneliness
that I can't lose
I can't sleep at night
I miss you, baby,
with all my mind
I try to pass you by
But when I look at you...
( Raphael cheers )
Raphael:
Come on! Come on!
Come on!
Come on, Big Al.
Come on, jump on!
Carnival rides.
I can't compete with that.
This isn't me.
This is stupid!
See, this is what happens
when you go against
everything you know
and you give in
to your petty thoughts.
You guys must be
pretty disgusted.
Beat them
at their own game, pff!
- Raphael: Come on, baby. Give me that.
- ( Sarah laughs )
Raphael: Come on!
Beat them with your strengths!
That's what you do!
Okay, I may not be Mr. Cool guy,
but I'm pretty smart, and
that guy's practically a moron.
Sarah's got to see that.
So out of everybody, she brushed me
with the ostrich feather,
and she's like the God
of the Ashram.
Everyone there said there were
divine reasons for the whole thing.
I tried to get her out
for a beer to discuss it,
but they don't drink.
So I sat down and
I wrote a haiku about it.
That's a special Japanese poem.
It almost won an award.
- You want to hear it?
- Sure.
All right.
"One lone man got brushed
Then in a bar, he got flushed
Had to call a cab."
See, it's tricky.
You can only use 1 7 syllables.
Five, then seven,
then five, exactly.
It took me a couple of hours
to shave it down.
Wow, that is tricky.
So...
another one might be:
"He went for knowledge
Instead, he got good and drunk
Is nothing sacred?"
Yeah.
I guess that works out
to 1 7 syllables.
That's fun. Hey, wait.
How about this one:
"They heard his stories
He swore they were true always
Still, one never knows."
Raphael: Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait.
"The man stumbled off
It happens to sore losers
They can't take the heat."
1 7 again!
What?
You think this impresses me?
- Humiliating him like that?
- Just making up poems.
It's cruel.
And it's beneath you.
Alan: Well,
that really backfired.
If I lose my mind
You'll be the first one
I would find...
The following weeks became
a somewhat dark period for me.
...The last thing
I would see...
I guess you just have to accept
when things don't go your way.
...If I lose my head
You'll be the first one
out of there...
Plus, I realized
they were great together.
But then, after many,
many nights alone in my trailer,
I realized something else.
There's no other women!
And besides,
she liked me first,
and he's just a reckless fool.
Things just need
to be made clear.
The Chetabi also say,
"With a helping hand, the snake
will bite its own tail."
All I have to do...
is wait.
Would you stop?
Did you take something?
Just a little wake-me-up.
Good morning.
- Hey.
- Good morning.
Mmm...
Is that chicory?
No.
Listen.
I just want to let bygones be bygones.
What do you say?
- Of course, Alan.
- Sure.
Great.
Woo-hoo!
- Come on, guys. Get in.
- It's too cold for me.
Come on, get in.
Raphael: Hey...
I want to play a little joke.
Let see how long
I can hold my breath.
Come on. Don't mess around.
It's not funny.
- I'll time you.
- You're on.
All right. One...
two... three.
Where is he at?
Come on, you won.
You're the champ.
Raphael, come on.
Alan, look for him.
Sarah: My God! Alan,
help him! Help him!
Alan: I can't see where he went.
It's too dark.
Raphael!
- Alan, find him!
- Alan: I can't see him!
- Gotcha!
- Son of a bitch!
Fucking moron!
Sorry. It was a joke.
I'm not a goddamn moron!
Alan: Come on, Sarah.
Come on.
That's part of his charm.
He doesn't mean any harm.
I know, but it can cause harm.
You can't be unreliable
in these circumstances.
Look, we can catch any mistakes
that he makes.
Come on, it's not like
he's a drug addict or something.
Yeah. Anyway, tell him
I expect an apology.
Of course.
It's no biggie. She said
she's a little overtired
and it's probably best
to let it go.
- You think?
- Yeah, man.
Just be yourself.
That'll snap her out of it.
Good advice. Okay.
Raphael: Hey...
you think I can go off the chair
and make it?
Go for it.
Do your gripper.
Dinner.
Woo! 44 to zip, and still
champion of the world:
Raphael!
Let's mix this up.
( cars honking )
Candied yams. All right!
So I was thinking about putting
a whole dirt bike course.
It'd be cool,
with jumps and everything.
- What do you think, Al?
- I love dirt racing.
Relax.
It's not fun to be
the last people on Earth lately.
It's not supposed to be fun.
- What does that mean?
- We have responsibilities.
We should contribute something.
Alan has his research,
and I want to do something
instead of sitting around all day.
What do you want to do?
Well... I was thinking
about a memorial...
to good people who never got noticed
'cause everybody died so fast.
I had this idea how to do it.
With balloons,
each one carrying a little pouch
with somebody's story in it.
And they could just scatter everywhere
for somebody to find someday.
- You could help me write them.
- Okay.
Yeah, that's cool.
I could even put them in a net
that would release with a charge.
We could have a launch ceremony
right in the middle of the camp.
Okay.
But we'll release them
from the ridge.
Gee, it's kind of high.
I said the ridge!
It'll be beautiful.
Okay, we're secure.
I've just got
to pack the cap.
I checked my notes.
I think I worked out
to 54 grams.
Yeah, that's what it says.
Raphael: Okay...
Done deal.
- Sarah: Are we all set?
- Raphael: Yep.
Hello.
Today is a very special day,
because we are honoring those
who contributed to our world,
but went unrecognized.
I'm speaking
of those people I knew
who contributed to our world
and made things better in a small way.
and many others whose stories
will now be carried to the far winds.
Remember them.
No!
I just don't understand it.
It still looked
kind of cool, though.
Yeah.
( Sarah and Raphael
arguing in the distance )
Things...
seem to have changed.
I knew they would eventually.
Sarah needed
to wake up a little bit.
The female brush boar
circles the males,
until she finds her mate,
and then she never leaves.
It was inevitable.
- ( knocking )
- It's Raphael.
Can I come in?
- Yeah, sure.
- Am I interrupting anything?
No, just making
some crank calls.
What?
You old dog you!
I wanted to talk to you.
- Is that thing on?
- No. What's up?
I don't know.
Something's weird with Sarah.
- How do you mean?
- She's pissed about the balloon fiasco,
and 'cause of the day
at the stream.
But it's more than that.
It's her attitude...
Alan!
Wake up!
Wake up, God damn it!
- What? I'm awake.
- Raphael.
He was here.
He went out for a spin.
Did you say something to him?
Did you?!
- We talked a little. Why?
- What did you say?!
Nothing. What's wrong?
He's gone, Alan.
He's gone.
Jesus.
I figure she talks to you.
You might know
what's going on.
Well, no, she doesn't really talk
to me so much anymore,
since things changed.
Raphael:
I guess that's my fault.
I really am sorry
about that.
You didn't exactly have
a fair chance.
Alan: Well, it's okay.
You know, I know
what you mean about Sarah.
And you shouldn't
take it the wrong way.
Sarah was raised
around a certain type of person,
and it's what she's used to.
A certain amount of education,
that sort of thing.
You know, when she thinks
someone's a little slow for her.
Raphael: I'm not slow.
If that's what she thinks,
she can kiss my ass.
Who the fuck
does she think she is?
I'm not some white-trash
motherfucker!
The funny thing is...
I actually love her.
She's right, I'm probably
not good enough for her...
but I really did love her.
Alan:
Things were rough for a while.
Raphael's disappearance
was a big blow to Sarah.
And I've got to say, I feel
pretty crappy about the whole thing.
But he wasn't exactly
Mother Teresa,
and I honestly think
it's for the best.
( melancholy ballad playing )
- Morning.
- Morning.
Alan: And now, well...
things are good.
They're really, really good.
Who's my little sleepy bear?
Come on, it's breakfast time.
- Here we go.
- No, that's okay.
It's spilling.
What time is it?
It's like...
4:00 in the morning, isn't it?
Yeah.
Let's do something.
What do you want to do?
I don't know. Maybe we could
sleep a little longer.
Then, we could... read.
After we sleep.
Okay.
You could read to me.
Yeah. Okay.
But I'm going to get 40 more.
Winks.
Hi.
I really felt it was about time
we got back to our Chetabi lessons.
So I thought we'd spend the afternoon
discussing rock prints.
They were used as a record,
like cave paintings,
but they captured
internal experience
rather than mere events.
The Chetabi would douse themselves
in coloring...
then think about
their ordeal during--
I don't know,
a big hunt or whatever--
and make a print.
( screams )
Really, they were...
a far more accurate
representation--
- Hey, honey.
- Hey.
You have paint on you.
I'm kind of in the middle
of a piece here.
Sorry. I'll just sit here
and watch.
Okay, as I said,
they really were
a more accurate representation
than, say, some stick figure
of a buffalo falling in a hole...
because they captured
the brutal essence of--
no, honey.
No. You're messing up
the rock print.
- Oh, sorry.
- It's serious stuff here,
and I kind of need to concentrate
to get through it.
I'll be real quiet.
You won't even know I'm here.
Okay.
Now, as I was saying,
one can sense
the true brutal nature
of the animal running down...
the--
the thing is...
I can't concentrate
while you're sitting there...
is the thing.
Okay.
Fine!
What was that?
It's kind of odd behavior,
don't you think?
Odd.
Eat your carrots.
No, honey,
I don't like them.
- They're good for your eyes.
- Sarah.
- Sarah: Here comes the airplane.
- I don't like car--
Sarah:
Open up. I said, open up!
What are you doing?
I said, I don't like carrots!
Come on, what's wrong?
- You're going to leave.
- No, I'm not.
Yes, you are!
You'll leave me here alone!
I won't leave.
I just don't like carrots.
I'll never leave you.
Alan:
Things have been interesting.
Sarah and I have been spending
all of our time together.
A great deal of time.
And I guess
I've had some time to think.
Sarah, screaming: Alan!
I said maxi pads!
These things are useless!
But I got two cases
of these things.
Alan: And really, things
aren't working out perfectly.
Sarah's fine,
but she clings to me.
Like I'm going to disappear
if I go to the bathroom.
Jesus.
I live by certain principles,
and the Chetabi understood
that when you're too attached,
it puts pressure on things.
I need some breathing room.
Just for a little while.
It'll be good for us.
I've got to talk to her.
That little laugh of hers
is driving me nuts.
Now, birthday boy,
you just sit right there.
It's time for your big surprise.
Come on, I don't like
making such a big deal.
- The Chetabi didn't do birthdays.
- Never you mind.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Alan
Happy birthday to you.
Now, blow out your candles.
Yeah! Now...
it is time for...
your big surprise.
- Can you guess what it is?
- I'm not good at that.
- Come on, guess.
- A new car.
- No. Guess again.
- A lifetime supply of everything.
Alan, come on.
It's really exciting.
I don't know.
Is it something new?
It's brand new, but it's been
going on since ancient times.
A Bible?
A watch?
- They had those back then.
- No.
No?
It's brand new...
but it's been going on since--
Are you pregnant?
- No.
- Oh.
It's a copy of
your goddamn dissertation.
I gathered it up and
sewed the binding myself.
- It's a great gift.
- Why did you ask if I was pregnant?
I didn't mean it
to sound that way.
How did you mean it
to sound?
You said it
the way you meant it.
There was a time
when you'd joke about
how we had to sleep together all day
to fill up the Earth.
- And now, you're going to leave me.
- I'm not!
Why do you keep saying that?
Jesus, Sarah!
I don't know.
I just feel that lately,
we've been
on top of each other.
I just need
some breathing room...
to step back and think.
- What's to think about?
- Nothing.
I think we should
change things a little.
Be more like friends...
for a while.
I didn't have
to put on this dress,
or these miserable high heels,
or give you this fucking party.
'Cause you know what? I'm the last
fucking woman on this Earth!
I could sit around
eating bon-bons all day,
wearing a house coat
and gain 300 pounds.
And you know what?
You'd stilI have to fuck me.
But I was being nice.
It's going to work out.
We just need some time.
( engine roaring )
Where is she?
Where the hell were you?!
Off raiding some pharmacy chain?
- Where is she, Alan?
- She doesn't want to talk to you.
Sarah?
- Sarah?
- No, don't listen to him!
- Sarah!
- Sarah! I'm sorry!
What I said--
I was confused.
- I'm sorry.
- I had to go.
I thought that...
you didn't want me here
anymore.
But then, I found one.
I guess you've learned
the same lessons I have.
I started this tape to teach you
about decent behavior,
but the truth is,
I was happier back then.
You saw what happened.
These people moved in,
and they ruined everything!
They screwed around with my emotions,
like I was nothing.
You can't manipulate
someone like that.
And if that's what it's going
to be like living together,
I'll just go it alone.
They can move out and
build their own fucking camp,
or I'll break his goddamn neck--
I don't care how tough he is.
New rule:
be true to yourself.
Get out of there,
you son of a bitch!
This is my trailer.
I want you out of there.
I want both of you out of here.
This is my camp.
You can go build your own,
or go live in the fucking city.
- Piss off.
- What?!
Where do you get the audacity
to talk to me like that?
You come in here and
you fuck everything up--
Let me tell you something,
just once.
You're going to get out.
Get into your car
and drive away real quick.
Or I'll kick your ass
right back down to the highway.
Sarah: Forget it.
Just let it go, Raphael.
Sure! Sure!
Why don't all the beautiful people
just stick together
and fuck over everybody else?!
So you can stare at yourselves
and get off on how much better
you are than everybody else!?
It's over.
We know about you.
We watched the tape.
You're a sick motherfucker,
spying on us and twisting
everything around
in your little Chetabi
fantasy land.
Do you really think
that makes you better than us?
You're such a loser.
Now, get
the hell out of here.
Goodbye, Alan.
The Chetabi have a word for members
of the tribe who don't belong--
Kirosu.
These are people
who take advantage of others,
who don't mend their ways.
So, one morning...
they're just gone.
No one ever asks
any questions.
It's really very civilized.
I was wrong.
Violence isn't caused
by hate and envy.
It's caused
by these kinds of people--
people who aren't decent,
who corrupt innocent people.
The Chetabi say you have to cut away
the bad leaves to save the plant,
and I can't let these kinds
of people ruin the world again.
This isn't what I wanted,
but there's no other way.
I'll save
who walks this Earth
To give to you from birth
All the love our Father
felt for us on high
Now you dare
to speak His name
In tongues of fire
and shame
Repent, my friend,
or you will burn in hell
Your life is but the thing
which loving Jesus brings
And there will not be
a time after today
Come over here and bow
Get on your knees,
bow down...
I'm sorry
it had to be this way.
Shit!
Let's go.
...Without Jesus,
they will surely burn in hell
Your life is but the thing
which loving Jesus brings
And there will not be
a time after today...
Okay, I was a little hot
under the collar.
I'm not perfect.
So, I didn't kill them.
But I scared them like hell.
The Chetabi say
that a man is not a man
until he faces his own--
no, himself, his own face...
something like that.
Well...
that's all I have to offer.
I'm leaving this tape
at the supermarket,
next to the peanut butter
with the jelly already in it...
because everyone
is curious about that.
You'll wander over here eventually,
and you'll find it.
As for me,
I'm heading south.
The Chetabi are known to eat
a lot of leafy green vegetables,
and that stuff
is loaded with zinc.
So, maybe if they survived,
they'll let me hang around
and shoot the bull awhile.
I was trying to think of
a helpful way to finish this thing.
And I guess I realized...
life's a bitch, you know?
You've just got to try
to set some limits.
So...
be decent to each other.
That's the final thought.
And...
try to respect
each other's privacy.
That's something new
that we could add.
So those two things,
limits and privacy...
and... goodbye.
Aw, who am I kidding?
What the fuck do I know?
Damn old blues
Send me out to drink
Before the evening's through
You show up
I can't think
Everywhere I turn
You come into view
This world ain't big enough
For me and you
I'd drive 1 0,000 miles
If I thought
I could get away
But your memory
would follow me
Down every lonesome
and dark highway
Everywhere I go
The same old thing rings true
This world ain't big enough
For me and you
No, this world
ain't big enough
To disappear
when you're in love
You keep haunting
everything I do
Maybe someday,
we'll lose touch
I'll run so fast,
you can't keep up
This world ain't big enough
For me and you
Oooh yeah, yeah
Now this ain't some picnic
Near some shady tree
I can't shake
no peaches, baby
When you got
your little eye on me
Hearing everything I say
And watching what I do
This world ain't big enough
For me and you
No, this world
ain't big enough
To disappear
when you're in love
You keep haunting
every little thing I do
Maybe someday,
we'll lose touch
Yeah, I'll run so fast,
you can't keep up
This world ain't big enough
For me and you
Yeah, I cry
I'm going to survive
There just ain't no place
to run and hide
The world ain't big enough
For me and you
You know itjust ain't
big enough, darling.