Life Of Brian (1979) Movie Script
- Who are you?
- We are three wise men.
- What?
- We are three wise men.
Well, what are you doing creeping around
a cow shed at 2:00 in the morning?
That doesn't sound
very wise to me.
- We are astrologers.
- We have come from the east.
Is this some kind of joke?
We wish to praise the infant.
We must pay homage to him.
Homage? You're drunk!
It's disgusting!
Out the door! Out! Bashing me with
tales about Oriental fortunetellers.
- Come on, out!
- No, no. We must see him.
- Go and praise someone else's brat.
- We were led by a star.
Led by a bottle,
more like. Go on out.
We must see him.
We have brought presents.
- Out!
- Gold, frankincense, myrrh.
Well, why didn't you say?
He's over there.
Sorry the place
is a bit of a mess.
- Well, what is myrrh anyway?
- It is a valuable balm.
A balm? What are you giving him
a balm for? It might bite him.
- What?
- That's a dangerous animal.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- It's great big and
- No, it is an ointment.
Well, there is an animal
called a balm... or did I dream it?
So you're astrologers, are you?
Well, what is he, then?
- Hmm?
- What star sign is he?
- Well, Capricorn.
- Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
He is the Son of God,
our Messiah.
King of the Jews!
- That's Capricorn, is it?
- No, that's just him.
Oh, I was gonna say, otherwise
there would be a lot of them.
- By what name are you calling him?
- Uh, Brian.
We worship you, O Brian,
who are lord over us all.
Praise unto you, Brian, and
to the Lord, our Father. Amen.
- You do a lot of this, then?
- What?
- This praising.
- No, no, no, no.
Well, if you're
dropping by again, do pop in.
And thanks a lot for
the gold and frankincense.
But don't worry too much
about the myrrh next time, all right?
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Well, weren't they nice?
Out of their bloody minds,
but still... Iook at that!
Here! Here!
That That's mine!
Hey, he's a baby! Oh!
- Shut up!
Brian
The babe they called Brian
He grew
Grew, grew and grew
Grew up to be
Grew up to be
A boy called Brian
A boy called Brian
He had arms and legs
And hands and feet
This boy
Whose name was Brian
And he grew
Grew, grew and grew
Grew up to be
Yes, he grew up to be
A teenager called Brian
A teenager called Brian
And his face became spotty
Yes, his face became spotty
And his voice
dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and show
He was certainly no
No girl named Brian
Not a girl named Brian
And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And go out and get pissed
A man called Brian
This man called Brian
The man they called Brian
This man called
Bri
- Aah!
How blessed are those who know
that He's a god.
How blessed are the sorrowful.
They shall find consolation.
How blessed are those
of gentle spirit.
They shall have the earth
for their possession.
How blessed are those
who hunger and thirst...
to see right prevail.
They shall be satisfied.
How blessed are those
whose hearts are pure.
They shall see God.
- Speak up!
- Shhh. Quiet, Mum.
Well, I can't hear a thing.
Let's go to the stoning.
- Shhh!
- We can go to a stoning anytime.
- Oh, come on, Brian.
- Will you be quiet?
Don't pick your nose.
I wasn't picking my nose.
I was scratching.
You was picking it
while you was talking to that lady.
- I wasn't.
- Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
Do you mind?
I can't hear a word he's saying.
Don't you "do you mind" me!
I was talking to my husband.
Well, go and talk to him somewhere else.
I can't hear a bloody thing.
Don't you swear at my wife.
I was only asking her to shut up so
we can hear what he's saying, Big Nose.
- Don't you call my husband "Big Nose."
- Well, he has got a big nose.
Could you be quiet, please?
What was that?
I was too busy
talking to Big Nose.
I think it was,
"Blessed are the cheese makers."
What's so special
about the cheese makers?
Well, obviously, it's not meant
to be taken literally.
It refers to any manufacturers
of dairy products.
See, if you hadn't been going on,
we'd have heard that, Big Nose.
Hey! Say that once more,
I'll smash your bloody face in.
Better keep listening. Might be a bit
about, "Blessed are the Big Noses."
Oh, lay off him.
Oh, you're not so bad
yourself, Conch Face.
Where are you two from,
Nose City?
One more time, mate, I'll
take you to fuckin' cleaners!
Language!
And don't pick your nose.
I wasn't gonna pick my nose.
I was gonna thump him!
- Hear that? "Blessed are the Greek."
- The Greek?
Well, apparently
he's going to inherit the earth.
- Did anyone catch his name?
- You're not gonna thump anybody.
I'll thump him
if he calls me "Big Nose" again.
- Oh, shut up, Big Nose.
- Oh! Right. I warned you.
- I really will slug you so hard
- Oh, it's the meek!
"Blessed are the meek"!
Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
I'm glad they're getting something,
'cause they have a hell of a time.
Listen, I'm only telling the truth.
You have got a very big nose.
Hey, your nose gonna be three foot wide
across your face when I'm finished!
- Shhh!
- Who hit yours, then?
Goliath's big brother?
Oh. Right.
That's your last warning.
Oh, do pipe down.
Silly bitch.
Get in the way on me.
Oh, come on.
Let's go to the stoning.
All right.
Blessed is just about anyone with
a vested interest in the status quo.
Well, what Jesus fails to appreciate
is it's the meek who are the problem.
Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg.
Yes, I see.
Oh, come on, Brian. They're gonna
stone him before we get there.
All right.
- That's disgusting.
It's the chap with a big nose's fault.
He started it all.
Oh, I hate wearing these beards.
Why aren't women allowed
to go to stonings, Mum?
It's written, that's why.
Beard, madame?
Oh, look, I haven't got time
to go to no stonings.
He's not well again.
- Stone, sir?
No, they got them up there,
lying around on the ground.
Oh, not like these, sir.
Look at this.
Feel the quality of that.
That's craftsmanship, sir.
Well, all right. We'll have two
with points and a big, flat one.
- Can I have a flat one, Mum?
- Shhh!
- Sorry. Dad.
- All right.
Two points, two flats
and a packet of gravel.
Packet of gravel. Should be
a good one this afternoon.
- Who?
- Local boy.
- Oh, good.
- Enjoy yourselves.
Matthias, son
of Deuteronomy of Gath?
- Do I say yes? Yes.
- Yes.
You have been found guilty
by the elders of the town...
of uttering
the name of our Lord.
- And so as a blasphemer...
you are to be stoned to death.
- Look, I'd had a lovely supper,
and all I said to my wife was,
"That piece of halibut
was good enough for Jehovah."
- Blasphemy! He said it again!
- Did you hear him?
Really!
Are there any women
here today?
Very well. By virtue
of the authority vested in me
Ow! Lay off!
We haven't started yet!
Come on!
Who threw that?
Who threw that stone?
Come on.
She did! She did!
He did! He did!
Sorry. I thought
we'd started.
- Go to the back.
Always one, isn't there?
Now, where were we?
Look, I don't think it ought to be
blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah."
- You're only making it
worse for yourself.
Making it worse?
How could it be worse?
- Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
I'm warning you, if you say
"Jehovah" once more
Right.
Who threw that?
Come on.
Who threw that?
Him, him, him.
- Was it you?
- Yes.
- Right
- Well, you did say "Jehovah."
Stop! Will you stop that?
Stop it! Now, look!
No one is to stone anyone...
until I blow this whistle.
Do you understand? Even and I want
to make this absolutely clear
Even if they do say "Jehovah."
Good shot! Bravo!
- Have I got a big nose, Mum?
- Oh, stop thinking about sex.
- I wasn't!
- You're always on about it,
morning, noon and night.
"Will the girls like this?
Will the girls like that?
Is it too big?
ls it too small?"
Here you are, mate.
- Bless you, sir.
- Alms for the poor.
- Alms for a leper.
- Alms for an exleper.
Bloody donkey owners.
All the same, ain't they?
Never have any change.
Oh, here's a touch.
- Spare a talent for an old exleper?
- Buzz off!
Spare a talent
for an old exleper?
A talent?
That's more than he earns in a month!
- Half a talent, then.
- Now, go away!
- Come on, Big Nose, let's haggle.
- What?
You open at one shekel.
I start at 2,000. We close about 1,800.
- No.
- 1,750?
- Go away!
- 1,740?
- Leave him alone!
- All right, two shekels.
Isn't this fun, eh?
Look, he's not giving you
any money, so piss off!
- All right. Half a shekel
for an old exleper?
- Did you say "exleper"?
Sixteen years behind the bell,
and proud of it, sir.
- Well, what happened?
- I were cured, sir.
- Cured?
- Yes, a bloody miracle, sir.
- Well, who cured you?
- Jesus did, sir.
I was hopping along,
minding my own business.
All of a sudden,
up he comes, cures me!
One minute,
I'm a leper with a trade;
next minute,
my livelihood's gone.
"You're cured, mate."
Bloody dogooder.
Well, why don't you go and tell him
that you want to be a leper again?
I could do that, sir.
Yeah, I could do that, I suppose.
I was gonna ask him if he'd
make me a bit lame in one leg
during the middle of the week.
You know, something beggable but not
leprosy, which is a pain in the ass.
Brian! Come and clean
your room out!
- There you are.
- Thank you, sir. Thank
Half a denary?
Me bloody life story.
There's no pleasing
some people.
That's just
what Jesus said, sir.
- Oh!
- Good afternoon.
Oh, uh, hello, officer.
I'll be with you in a few
moments, all right, dear?
- What's he doing here?
- Don't start that, Brian.
Go and clean your room out.
- Bloody Romans!
- Now look, Brian.
If it wasn't for him,
we wouldn't have all this.
- And don't you forget it.
- We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum.
- Well, that's not entirely true.
- What do you mean?
- Well, you know you were
asking me about your
- My nose?
Yes. Well, there's a reason
it's like it is, Brian.
What is it?
Well, I suppose I should've
told you a long time ago
- What?
- Well, Brian...
your father
isn't Mr. Cohen.
- Well, I never thought he was.
- None of your cheek!
He was a Roman, Brian.
He was a centurion
in the Roman army.
- You mean you were raped?
- Well, at first, yes.
- Who was it?
- Naughtius Maximus, his name was.
Promised me
the known world, he did.
I was to be taken to Rome,
housed by the Forum
slaves, asses' milk,
as much gold as I could eat.
Then he, having his way
with me, he had
- Vroom, like a rat out of an aqueduct!
- The bastard!
Yeah, so next time you go on
about the bloody Romans,
don't forget
you're one of 'em!
I'm not a Roman, Mum!
And I never will be!
I'm a kike, a Yid,
a hebe, a hooknose!
I'm kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea
pedestrian, and proud of it!
Sex, sex, sex. That's all
they think about, huh?
Well, how are you,
then, officer?
Ladies and gentlemen,
the next contest...
is between...
Frank Goliath,
the Macedonian babycrusher,
and Boris Mineburg.
Larks' tongues.
Wren's livers.
Chaffinch brains.
Jaguars' earlobes.
Wolf's nipple chips. Get 'em
while they're hot. They're lovely.
Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar.
Tuscany fried bats.
I do feel, Reg, that any
antilmperialist group like ours...
must reflect such a divergence
of interest within its power base.
- Oh, great. Francis?
- Yeah, I think Judith's point
of view is very valid, Reg,
provided the movement
never forgets...
- that it is the inalienable
right of every man
- Or woman.
or woman
to rid himself
- Or herself.
- or herself
- Agreed.
- Thank you, brother.
- Or sister.
- Or sister.
- Where was I?
- I think you finished.
- Oh, right.
Furthermore, it is
the birthright of every man
- Or woman.
- Why don't you shut up about women?
Women have a perfect right
to play a part in our movement.
Why are you always on
about women, Stan?
I want to be one.
- What?
- I want to be a woman.
From now on, I want you all
to call me "Loretta."
- What?
- It's my right as a man.
Well, why do you want
to be Loretta, Stan?
I want to have babies.
You want to have babies?
It's every man's right
to have babies if he wants them.
- But you can't have babies.
- Don't you oppress me.
I'm not oppressing you.
You haven't got a womb.
Where is the fetus
gonna gestate?
You're gonna keep it
in a box?
Here, I've got an idea.
Suppose you agree that
he can't actually have babies,
not having a womb which is
nobody's fault, not even the Romans'
but that he can have
the right to have babies?
Good idea, Judith.
We shall fight the oppressors...
for your right to have
babies, brother
- Sister. Sorry.
- What's the point?
- What?
- What's the point of fighting
for his right to have babies...
when he can't have babies?
It is symbolic of our
struggle against oppression.
Symbolic of his struggle
against reality.
It's dangerous out there.
Larks' tongues. Otters' noses.
Ocelot spleens.
- Got any nuts?
- Haven't got any nuts. Sorry.
- I've got wrens' livers,
badger spleens
- No, no, no.
- Otters' noses?
- I don't want that Roman rubbish!
- Why don't you sell proper food?
- Proper food?
Yeah, and not those rich,
lmperialist tidbits.
Well, don't blame me.
I didn't ask to sell this stuff.
All right.
Bag of otters' noses, then.
- Make it two. Thanks, Reg.
- Two.
- Are you the Judean People's Front?
- Fuck off!
- What?
- Judean People's Front!
We're the People's Front of Judea!
- Judean People's Front!
- Wankers.
- Can I join your group?
- No. Piss off.
I didn't want to sell
this stuff. It's only a job.
- I hate the Romans as much as anybody!
- Shhh. Shhh!
- Are you sure?
- Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans.
Listen, if you wanted
to join the P.F.J.,
you'd have to really
hate the Romans.
- I do.
- Oh, yeah? How much?
A lot.
Right. You're in.
Listen. The only people
we hate more than the Romans...
are the fuckin'
Judean People's Front.
- Yeah!
- Splitters!
- And the Judean Popular People's Front.
- Oh, yeah! Splitters!
- And the People's Front of Judea.
- Splitters!
- What?
- The People's Front of Judea.
We're the People's Front of Judea!
Oh. I thought we were
the Popular Front.
People's Front!
- What happened to the Popular Front?
- He's over there.
Splitter!
Oh! I think I'm about
to have a cardiac arrest.
- Absolutely dreadful.
Brother! Haha!
What's your name?
Brian. Brian Cohen.
We may have a little job
for you, Brian.
What's this, then?
"Romanes eunt domus"?
"People called Romanes,
they go the house"?
Ilt says "Romans, go home."
No, it doesn't.
What's Latin for "Roman"?
- Come on!
- "Romanes"?
- Goes like?
- "Annus"?
- Vocative plural of "annus" is?
- "Anni"?
- "Romani."
- "Eunt"? What is "eunt"?
- "Go."
Conjugate the verb "to go."
"lre, eo, is, it,
imus, itis, eunt."
So "eunt" is?
Third person plural,
present indicative. "They go."
But "Romans, go home" is
an order, so you must use the
- The imperative.
- Which is?
Um, oh, oh, "i."
- How many Romans?
- Aah! Plural, plural.
- "lte."
- "lte."
- "Domus"? Nominative?
"Go home." This is motion
towards, isn't it, Brian?
Dative!
No, not dative!
Accusative, accusative!
- "Domum," sir. "Ad domum."
- Except when "domus" takes the
- Locative, sir.
- Which is?
- "Domum."
- "Domum."
- "Um."
- Understand?
- Yes, sir.
Now, write it out 100 times.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Hail Caesar, sir.
Hail Caesar. If it's not done
by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you.
Hail Caesar and everything, sir.
Finished!
Right. Now,
don't do it again.
Hey, bloody Romans!
We're gettin' in through the
underground heating system here,
up through into the main
audience chamber here,
and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here.
Having grabbed his wife, we inform
Pilate that she is in our custody...
and forthwith issue our demands.
- Any questions?
- What exactly are the demands?
We're giving Pilate
two days to dismantle...
the entire apparatus of
the Roman lmperialist State,
and if he doesn't agree
immediately, we execute her.
- Cut her head off?
- Cut all her bits off.
Send them back
on the hour, every hour.
And, of course, we point out
that they bear...
full responsibility
when we chop her up...
and that we shall not submit
to blackmail.
No blackmail!
They bled us white, the bastards.
They've taken everything we had.
And not just from us. From our fathers
and from our fathers' fathers.
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
Yeah.
- And from our fathers'
fathers' fathers' fathers.
- Don't labor the point.
And what have they ever
given us in return?
- The aqueduct.
- What?
The aqueduct.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
They did give us that.
And the sanitation.
Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg.
Remember what the city used to be like.
Yeah, I'll grant you,
the aqueduct and sanitation are
two things the Romans have done.
- And the roads.
- Well, obviously the roads.
I mean, the roads go
without saying, don't they?
But apart from the sanitation,
the aqueduct and the roads
- lrrigation.
- Medicine.
- Education.
- Yeah, all right. Fair enough.
- And the wine.
Yeah, that's something we'd really miss,
Reg, if the Romans left.
- Public baths.
- And it's safe to walk
in the streets at night.
Yeah, they certainly keep order.
They're the only ones who could
in a place like this.
All right, but apart from
the sanitation, the medicine,
education, wine, public order,
irrigation, roads,
the fresh water system
and public health,
what have the Romans
ever done for us?
- Brought peace.
- Oh, peace! Shut up!
I'm a poor man.
My sight is poor.
My legs are old and bent.
It's all right, Matthias.
It's all clear.
Well, where's Reg?
Oh, Reg. Reg, Judith.
- What went wrong?
- The first blow has been struck.
- Did he finish the slogan?
- A hundred times,
in letters ten foot high,
all the way around the palace.
Oh, great. Great.
We We need doers
in our movement, Brian,
but before you join us, know this:
There is not one of us who
would not gladly suffer death...
to rid this country of
the Romans once and for all.
- Oh, yeah, there's one.
But otherwise, we're solid.
Are you with us?
Yes.
From now on you shall be called
"Brian that is called Brian."
Tell him about the raid
on Pilate's palace, Francis.
Right.
This is the plan.
Now, this is the palace
on Caesar's Square.
Our commando unit will approach
from Fish Street under cover of night...
and make our way
to the northwestern main drain.
If questioned, we are sewage workers
on our way to a conference.
Reg, our glorious leader
and founder of the P.F.J.,
will be coordinating consultant
at the drain head,
though he himself will not be taking
part in any terrorist action...
as he has a bad back.
- Aren't you going to come with us?
- Solidarity, brother.
Oh, yes, solidarity, Reg.
Once in the sewer,
timing will be of the essence.
There is a Roman feast later
in the evening, so you must move fast.
And don't wear
your best sandals.
Turning left here, we enter the
CaesarAugustus memorial sewer,
and from there proceed
directly to the hypocaust.
This has just been retiled. So,
terrorists, careful with those weapons.
We will now be directly beneath
Pilate's audience chamber itself.
This is the moment for Habbakuk
to get out his prong.
Shhh. Shhh.
Campaign for Free Galilee.
Oh, uh, People's Front
of Judea. Officials.
- Oh.
- What's your group doing here?
We're gonna kidnap Pilate's wife,
take her back, issue demands.
- So are we. That's our plan.
- What?
- We were here first.
- What do you mean?
- We thought of it first.
- We did!
Yes, a couple of years ago.
We did!
Come on. You got all your demands
worked out, then?
- Of course we have.
- What are they?
- Well, I'm not telling you.
- Oh, come on!
That's not the point.
We thought of it before you.
- Did not!
- We did!
You bastards, we've been
planning this for months.
Well, tough pity for you,
Fish Face. Oh!
Brothers, we should
be struggling together.
- We mustn't fight each other.
Surely, we should be united
against the common enemy.
The Judean People's Front!
No, no, the Romans!
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he's right.
- Right. Where were we?
- You were gonna punch me.
Brothers!
What
You lucky bastard.
Who's that?
You lucky, lucky bastard.
What?
Quite the little jailer's pet, are we?
- What do you mean?
- You must've slipped him a few shekels.
Slipped him a few shekels?
You saw him spit in my face.
Oh, what wouldn't I give
to be spat at in the face!
I sometimes hang awake at night
dreaming of being spat at in the face.
Well, it's not exactly friendly.
They have me in manacles.
Manacles?
My idea of heaven is to be
allowed to be put in manacles...
just for a few hours.
They must think the sun shines
out of your ass, son.
Oh, lay off me!
I've had a hard time!
You've had a hard time?
I've been here five years.
They only hung me the right way
up yesterday, so don't you
All right, all right.
They must think
you're Lord God Almighty.
- What will they do to me?
- Oh, you'll probably
get away with crucifixion.
- Crucifixion?
- Yeah, first offense.
Get away with crucifixion?
It's
- Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
- What?
Oh, yeah, if we didn't have crucifixion,
this country'd be in a bloody mess.
- Guard!
- Nail him up, I say!
- Guard!
- Nail some sense into him!
What do you want?
- I want you to move me to another cell.
- Aah!
- Oh, look at that! Bloody favoritism.
- Shut up, you!
- Sorry.
Now take my case.
They hung me up here five years ago.
Every night, they take me down for
which I regard as very fair
in view of what I've done.
And if nothing else, it's
taught me to respect the Romans,
and it's taught me that you'll
never get anywhere in this life...
unless you're prepared to do
a fair day's work for a fair day's
Oh, shut up!
- Here.
- Pilate wants to see you.
- Me?
- Come on!
Pilate? What's he want
to see me for?
I think he wants to know which way up
you want to be crucified.
Nice one, centurion. Like it.
- Shut up!
- Right, right.
Terrific race, the Romans.
Terrific!
- Hail Caesar.
- Hail.
- Only one survivor, sir.
- Oh. "Thwow" him to the floor.
- What's that?
- Throw him to the floor.
Oh.
Now, what is
your name, Jew?
- Brian, sir.
- "Bwian," eh?
No, no. Brian.
- Aah!
The little rascal
has "spiwit."
- Has what, sir?
- "Spiwit."
Yes, he did, sir.
No, no. "Spiwit," "bwavado,"
a touch of "dewwingdo."
Oh, uh, about 11, sir.
So, you dare to "waid" us?
To what, sir?
"Stwike" him, centurion,
very "woughly."
- Aah!
- And "thwow" him to the floor, sir?
- What?
- "Thwow" him to the floor again, sir?
Oh, yes, "thwow" him
to the floor, please.
- Aah!
- Now, Jewish "wapscallion"
I'm not Jewish.
I'm a Roman.
- A "Woman"?
- No, no. Roman.
Aah!
So, your father was
a "Woman." Who was he?
He was a centurion
in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.
Really?
What was his name?
- "Naughtius Maximus."
Centurion, do you have
anyone of that name in the garrison?
Well, no, sir.
Well, you sound very sure.
Have you checked?
Well, no, sir.
I think it's a joke, sir.
Like, uh, "Sillius Soddus"
or "Biggus Dickus," sir.
What's funny
about "Biggus Dickus"?
Well, it's a joke name, sir.
I have a very great
friend in Rome called Biggus Dickus.
Silence!
What is all this insolence?
You will find yourself
in gladiator school "vewy" quickly...
with "wotten" behavior like that.
Can I go now, sir?
Aaah!
Wait till Biggus Dickus
hears of this.
- "Wight"! Take him away!
- Oh, sir, he
- I want him fighting wild,
"wabid" animals within a week.
Yes, sir.
Come on, you.
I will not have my friends
"widiculed" by the common "soldiewy."
Anyone else feel like
a little giggle...
when I mention my "fwiend,"
- Biggus...
- Dickus?
What about you?
Do you find it "wisible"...
when I say the name...
Biggus... Dickus?
He has a wife, you know?
You know what she's called?
She's called "lncontinentia."
- "lncontinentia Buttocks."
Shut up!
What is all this?
I've had enough of this
"wowdy," "webel" behavior!
- Silence! Quiet!
"Pwaetowian" guards!
Seize him! Seize him!
Blow your noses and seize him!
Hmm? Hmm.
Oh, you lucky bastard.
And the bezan
shall be huge and black...
And the eyes thereof red with
the blood of living creatures!
And the whore of Babylon...
shall ride forth
on a threeheaded serpent!
And throughout the lands
there'll be a great rubbing of parts.
The demon shall bear
a ninebladed sword.
Ninebladed not two
or five or seven, but nine
which he will wield on all wretched
sinners, just like you, sir, there.
And the whoring shall be
on the head of Addius.
There shall in that time
be rumors of things going astray,
um, and there shall be a great confusion
as to where things really are.
And nobody will really know
where lieth...
those little things...
with the sort of raffia work
base that has an attachment.
At this time, a friend
shall lose his friend's hammer,
and the young shall not know
where lieth...
the things possessed
by their fathers...
that their fathers put there
only just the night before about 8:00.
Yea, it is written
in the Book of Cyril...
in that time
How much, quick?
It's for the wife.
- Oh, uh, 20 shekels.
- Right.
- What?
- There you are.
- Wait a minute.
- What?
- We're supposed to haggle.
- No, no, no. I've got to get
- What do you mean, no?
- I haven't got time.
- Well, give it back, then.
- No, no. I just paid you.
- Burt, this bloke won't haggle.
- Won't haggle?
All right.
Do we have to?
- I want 20 for that.
- I just gave you 20.
- Are you telling me
that's not worth 20 shekels?
- No.
- Feel the quality.
That's none of your goat.
- I'll give you 19, then.
- No, no, no. Do it properly.
- What?
- Haggle properly. This isn't worth 19.
- You just said it was worth 20.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Come on, haggle.
- All right, I'll give you ten.
- That's more like it.
Ten? Are you
trying to insult me?
Me with a poor, dying
grandmother? Ten?
- All right, I'll give you 11.
- Now you're gettin' it.
Did I hear you right? Eleven?
This cost me 12. You want to ruin me?
- Seventeen?
- No, no, no, no. Seventeen.
- Eighteen.
- No, no. You go to 14 now.
- All right, I'll give you 14.
- Fourteen? Are you joking?
- That's what you told me to say!
- Oh, dear.
Oh, tell me
what to say, please!
- Offer me 14.
- I'll give you 14.
- He's offering me 14 for this!
- Fifteen!
Seventeen. My last word. I won't take
a penny less, or strike me dead.
- Sixteen.
- Done.
Nice to do business with you.
- I'll throw you in this as well.
- I don't want it, but thanks.
- Burt.
- All right, all right.
- Now, where's the 16 you owe me?
- I just gave you 20.
- Right. That's four I owe you, then.
- That's right. That's fine.
- I've got it here somewhere.
- That's four for the gourd.
Four? For this gourd?
Look at it! It's worth ten
if it's worth a shekel.
- You gave it to me for nothing.
- Yes, but it's worth ten.
All right, all right.
No, no, no, no.
It's not worth ten.
You're supposed to argue.
"Ten for that? You must be mad."
Oh, well.
One born every minute.
- Daniel.
- Daniel.
- Job.
- Job.
- Joshua.
- Joshua.
- Judges.
- Judges.
- And Brian.
- And Brian.
I now propose that all seven
of these exbrothers...
be now entered in the minutes
as probationary martyrs to the cause.
- I second that, Reg.
- Thank you, Loretta. On the nod.
Siblings, let us not
be down on it.
One total catastrophe like this...
is just the beginning!
Their glorious deaths
shall unite us all in
Look out!
Hello?
Matthias?
- Reg?
- Go away.
Reg, it's me, Brian.
Get off!
Get off out of it!
- Stan!
- Piss off.
- Yeah, piss off.
- Bugger off.
Oh, shit!
Coming.
Yea, verily at that time it is
written in the book of Obadiah,
a man shall strike his donkey
and his nephew's donkey.
My eyes are dim.
I cannot see.
- Are you Matthias?
- Yes.
We have reason to believe
you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth,
a member of the terrorist organization,
the People's Front of Judea.
Me? No.
I'm just a poor old man.
I have no time
for lawbreakers.
My legs are grey.
My ears are nulled.
My eyes are old and bent.
Quiet!
Silly person.
Guards, search the house.
You know the penalty
laid down by Roman law...
for harboring
a known criminal?
- No.
- Crucifixion.
Oh.
- Nasty, eh?
- Could be worse.
What do you mean,
"Could be worse"?
Well, you could be stabbed.
Stabbed? Takes a second.
Crucifixion lasts hours.
It's a slow, horrible death.
Well, at least it gets you
out in the open air.
You're weird.
No, sir.
Couldn't find anything, sir.
Well, don't worry.
You've not seen the last of us, weirdo.
- Big Nose.
- Watch it!
Whew, that was lucky.
I'm sorry, Reg.
Oh, it's all right.
He's sorry.
He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion
straight to our headquarters.
Well, that's all right,
then, Brian. Sit down.
Have a scone.
Make yourself at home. You klutz!
You stupid, birdbrained,
flatheaded
- My legs are old and bent.
My ears are grizzled. Yes?
There's one place
we didn't look. Guards!
- I'm just a poor old man.
My nose is knackered.
Have you ever seen
anyone crucified?
Crucifixion's a doddle.
Don't keep saying that.
Found this spoon, sir.
Well done, sergeant.
We'll be back, oddball.
Open up!
You haven't given us
time to hide.
- ln that time
- The serpent, he shall strike you
- Holes from every bitch
you got germs from
- Jumbo jets
Don't pass judgement
on other people...
or you might
get judged yourself.
- What?
- I said, don't pass
judgement on other people...
or else you might
get judged too.
- Who, me?
- Yes.
- Thank you very much.
- Not just you. All of you.
- That's a nice gourd.
- What?
- How much do you want for the gourd?
- You can have it.
- Have it?
- Yes. Consider the lilies.
- Don't you want to haggle?
- No. In the field.
- What's wrong with it?
- Nothing. Take it.
- Consider the lilies?
- Well, the birds, then.
- What birds?
- Any birds.
- Why?
- Well, have they got jobs?
- Who?
- The birds.
Have the birds got jobs?
- What's the matter with him?
- Says the birds are scrounging.
The point is, the birds,
they do all right, don't they?
- Well, good luck to 'em.
- Yeah, they're very pretty.
Okay. And you're much more
important than they are, right?
So what are you worrying about?
There you are. See?
I'm worrying about what
you've got against birds.
I haven't got anything
against the birds.
- Consider the lilies.
- He's having a go at the flowers now!
- Give the flowers a chance.
- I'll give you one for it.
- It's yours.
- Two, then.
Look, there was this man,
and he had two servants.
What were they called?
What were their names?
I don't know.
And he gave them some talents.
- You don't know?
- Well, it doesn't matter.
He doesn't know
what they were called!
- They were called Simon and Adrian.
- You said you didn't know!
It really doesn't matter. The point is,
there were these two servants.
- He's making it up as he goes along.
- No, I'm not!
And he gave them
Wait, were there three?
- Oh, he's terrible.
- There were two or three.
- Oh, get off!
Now hear this!
Blessed are they...
- Three.
- who convert their neighbor's asses.
- For they shall inhibit their girth.
- Rubbish!
- And to them only shall be given
to them only...
shall be given
- What?
- Hmm?
- Shall be given what?
- Oh, nothing.
- What were you going to say?
- Nothing.
- Yes, you were going to say something.
- No, I finished.
- Tell us before you go.
- I'm finished.
- No, you don't.
- Why won't he tell?
- Won't say!
- It ain't a secret, is it?
- Must be, otherwise he'd tell us.
- Tell us.
- Leave me alone.
- What is the secret?
- ls it the secret of eternal life?
- He won't say.
If I knew the secret
of eternal life, I wouldn't say.
- Leave me alone!
- Just tell me, please.
- We were here first.
- Go away!
- Tell us, master.
- ls that his gourd?
- Yeah, but it's under offer.
This is his gourd.
- Ten!
- It is his gourd!
We will carry it
for you, master.
- Master?
- He's gone!
- He's been taken up.
He's been taken up!
- Nineteen!
- No, there he is. Over there.
Look! Oh! Oh!
He has given us a sign.
He has given us his shoe!
The shoe is the sign.
Let us follow his example.
- What?
- Let us, like him, hold up one shoe!
For this is his sign that all
who follow him shall do likewise!
- Yes!
- No, no. The shoe is a sign...
that we must gather shoes
together in abundance.
Cast off the shoes.
Follow the gourd!
No, let us gather shoes
together! Let me!
No, it is a sign that, like him, we must
think not of the things of the body...
but of the face and head.
- Give me your shoe!
- Get off!
Follow the gourd,
the Holy Gourd of Jerusalem!
- The gourd!
- Hold up the sandal,
as he has commanded us.
- It is a shoe!
- It's a sandal!
- No, it isn't!
- Cast it away!
- Put it on!
- Clear off!
Take the shoes
and follow him!
Come back! Stop!
Let us Let us pray.
Yea, he cometh to us...
Iike the seeds of the grain.
Master! Master!
Hey! ls there
another way down?
Is there another path
down to the river?
Please, please help me.
I've got to get
Oh, my foot! Oh
- Shhh.
- Oh, damn, damn, damn!
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, damn, damn it! Blast it!
- I'm sorry. Shhh.
- Don't you "shhh" me.
Eighteen years of total silence,
and you "shhh" me!
- What?
- I've kept my vow for 18 years...
Not a single, recognizable,
articulate sound has passed my lips.
Could you be quiet
for another five minutes?
It doesn't matter now.
I might as well enjoy myself.
For the last 18 years,
I've wanted to shout...
and sing and scream
my name out!
- Shhh. Shhh.
- Oh, I'm alive!
Hava nagila, hava nagila
Hava nagila
Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive!
Hello, birds. Hello, trees.
I'm alive! I'm alive!
Hava nagila
Hava n'ra, n'ra
Master! Master! Master!
- Master!
- The master! He is here!
- His shoe led us to him!
Speak! Speak to us, master.
Speak to us!
Go away!
A blessing! A blessing!
How shall we go away, master?
Oh, just go away
and leave me alone!
Give us a sign!
He has given us a sign!
He has brought us to this place!
I didn't bring you here.
You just followed me.
Oh, it's still a good sign
by any standard.
Master, your people
have walked many miles to be with you!
They are weary
and have not eaten.
It's not my fault
they haven't eaten.
There is no food
in this high mountain!
What about the juniper
bushes over there?
A miracle! A miracle!
He has made the bush
fruitful by his words!
They've brought forth
juniper berries.
Of course! They're juniper bushes!
What do you expect!
Show us another miracle.
Do not tempt him, shallow ones!
Is not the miracle of
the juniper bushes enough?
I say, those
are my juniper bushes!
- They are a gift from God.
- They're all I've got to eat.
I say, get off those bushes.
Go on. Clear off.
Lord, I am affected
by a bald patch.
I'm healed!
The master has healed me!
I didn't touch him!
I was blind,
and now I can see!
A miracle! A miracle!
- Tell them to stop it.
I hadn't said a word
for 18 years till he came along.
A miracle!
He is the Messiah!
He hurt my foot!
- Hurt my foot!
- Hurt mine!
- Hail Messiah!
- I'm not the Messiah.
I say you are, Lord, and I should know.
I've followed a few.
Hail Messiah!
I'm not the Messiah!
Will you please listen?
I'm not the Messiah!
Do you understand? Honestly!
Only the true Messiah
denies his divinity.
What? Well, what sort of chance
does that give me?
All right,
I am the Messiah!
He is!
He is the Messiah!
Now, fuck off!
How shall we
fuck off, O Lord?
Just leave me alone!
You told these people
to eat my juniper berries!
You break my bloody foot,
you break my vow of silence...
and then you try to clean up
on my juniper bushes!
- Lay off!
- This is the Messiah, the Chosen One!
- No, he's not.
- An unbeliever!
- An unbeliever!
- Persecute. Kill the heretic!
- Seize him!
- Leave him alone!
Leave him alone!
Leave him alone.
Let him go! Please!
- Brian?
- Judith?
Cockadoodledoo!
Look! There he is!
The Chosen One has woken!
Brian!
- Brian!
- Hang on, Mother!
Shhh.
- Hello, Mother.
- Don't you "Hello, Mother" me!
What are all those people
doing out there?
- Well, I
- Come on. What have you been up to?
I think they must have
popped by for something.
Popped by?
Swarmed by, more like.
There's a multitude out there!
They started following me yesterday.
Well, they can stop
following you right now.
Now, stop following my son!
You ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.
The Messiah! The Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!
- The who?
- The Messiah!
There's no messiah in here.
There's a mess, all right,
but no messiah. Now, go away.
Brian! Brian!
Right, my lad.
What have you been up to?
- Nothing, Mum.
- Come on, out with it.
Well, they think
I'm the Messiah, Mum.
What have you
been telling them?
- Nothing. I only
- You're only making it
worse for yourself.
- I can explain.
- Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!
- Your son is a born leader.
Those people out there are following him
because they believe in him.
They believe he can give them hope
hope of a new life,
a new world,
a better future!
- Who's that?
That's Judith, Mum.
Judith, Mother.
Hmm. Aaah!
- Ohhh!
- Messiah! Messiah! Messiah!
Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!
Now, you listen here.
He's not the Messiah!
He's a very naughty boy.
Now, go away!
- Who are you?
- I'm his mother, that's who.
Behold his mother!
Behold his mother!
Hail to thee,
mother of Brian!
Blessed art thou!
Hosanna!
All praise to thee,
now and always!
Well, now don't think
you can get around me like that.
He's not coming out,
and that's my final word.
- Now, shove off!
- No!
- Did you hear what I said?
- Yes!
Oh, I see.
It's like that, is it?
- Yes!
- Oh, all right, then.
You can see him for one minute,
but not one second more!
- Do you understand?
- Yes.
- Promise?
- Well... all right.
All right, here he is, then.
Come on, Brian. Come and talk.
- But, Mum, Judith.
- Oh, leave that Welsh tart alone.
I don't really want to.
Brian! Brian!
Brian! Brian!
- Good morning.
- A blessing! A blessing!
No, no. Please.
Please, please listen.
I've got one or two
things to say.
Tell us!
Tell us both of them!
Look, you've
got it all wrong.
You don't need to follow me.
You don't need
to follow anybody.
You've got to think
for yourselves.
You're all individuals.
Yes, we're all individuals!
You're all different.
Yes, we're all different!
- I'm not.
- Shhh.
You've all got to work it
out for yourselves.
Yes, we've got to work it
out for ourselves!
Exactly.
Tell us more!
No! That's the point!
Don't let anyone tell you what to do!
Otherwise Ow!
That's enough.
That's enough.
Ooh, that wasn't a minute!
- Oh, yes it was!
- Oh, no it wasn't!
Now, stop that!
And go away!
- Excuse me?
- Yes?
- Are you a virgin?
- I beg your pardon!
Well, if it's not a personal
question, are you a virgin?
If it's not
a personal question?
How much more personal
can you get?
Now, piss off!
- She is.
- Yeah, definitely.
- Morning, Savior.
Lay your hands
on me, quick!
Now, don't jostle
the Chosen One, please.
Don't push that baby
in the Savior's face.
I say, could you just
see my wife?
You'll have to wait,
I'm afraid.
We've got
a luncheon appointment.
The lepers are queuing.
My brotheronlaw
is the exmayor of Gath!
Brian, can I introduce
the gentleman who's letting us
have the Mounts on Sunday?
- Don't push!
- And keep the noise down!
Those possessed by devils,
try and keep them under control.
Incurables, you'll just
have to wait for a few minutes.
Um, women taken in sin, line up
against that wall, will you?
Brian? Brian,
you were fantastic.
You weren't so bad yourself.
No. What you said just now.
It was quite extraordinary.
What?
All that, was it?
We don't any leaders.
You're so right.
- Reg has been dominating us
for too long.
- Well, yes.
- It needed saying,
and you said it, Brian.
- You're very attractive.
It's our revolution.
We can all do it together.
- I think. I think
- We're all behind you, Brian.
- The revolution is in your hands!
- What?
No, that's not
what I meant at all!
You're fuckin' nicked,
me old beauty.
Right.
Stop it.
Well, "Bwian," you've given us
a good "wun" for our money, what?
But this time, I "guawantee"
you will not escape.
Guard, do we have any
"cwucifixions" today?
Passover, sir.
Right. Now we have 140.
Nice, round number, eh, Biggus?
- Hail Caesar!
- Hail.
- The crowd outside getting restless.
Permission
to disperse them, please.
Disperse them?
I haven't addressed them yet.
I know, sir, but
My "addwess" is one of
the high points of the Passover.
My "fwiend" Biggus Dickus has
come all the way from "Wome."
- Hail Caesar.
- Hail "Thaesar,"
You're not
Are you not thinking of giving it
a miss this year, then, sir?
Give it a miss?
Well, it's just that they're in
a rather funny mood today, sir.
"Weally," "centuwion," I'm "surpwised"
to hear a man like you...
"wattled" by
a "wabble" of "wowdy" "webels."
- Uh, a bit thundery, sir.
- Take him away.
I'm a Roman!
Il can prove it! Honestly!
And "cwucify" him well.
Yes.
Biggus.
- Il really wouldn't, sir.
- Out of the way, "centuwion."
Let me come with you,
Pontius.
I may be of "thome" "athistance"
if there is a "thudden" "crithis."
Right. Now item four:
Attainment of world supremacy
within the next five years.
- Uh, Francis, you've been
doing some work on this?
- Yeah. Thank you, Reg.
Well, quite frankly, siblings,
I think five years is optimistic...
unless we can smash the Roman Empire
within the next 12 months.
- Twelve months, yeah?
- Twelve months.
And let's face it, as empires
go, this is the big one,
so we gotta get up off our asses
and stop just talkin' about it.
- Hear! Hear!
- It's action that counts, not words.
- And we need action now!
- Hear! Hear!
You're right. We could
sit around here all day,
talkin', passin' resolutions,
makin' clever speeches.
It's not gonna shift
one Roman soldier!
So let's just stop gabbin' on about it.
It's completely pointless.
- And it's gettin' us nowhere.
- Right!
I agree. This is a complete
waste of time.
- They've arrested Brian!
- What? What?
They dragged him off!
They want to crucify him!
Right! This calls
for immediate discussion!
- What?
- lmmediate!
- Right.
- New motion?
Completely new motion.
Uh, that, uh,
that there be
immediate action
- Once the vote has been taken.
- Obviously once the vote's been taken.
- You can't act on a resolution
till you've voted on it.
- Reg, let's go now, please!
- Right! ln the light of fresh
information from Sibling Judith.
- Not so fast, Reg.
Reg, for God's sake!
It's perfectly simple.
All you've got to do
is to go out of that door now...
and try to stop the Romans
nailing him up!
It's happening, Reg!
Something's actually happening, Reg!
Can't you understand?
Oh!
- Ooh. Ooh. Yup.
A little ego trip
from the feminists?
- What?
- Oh, sorry, Loretta?
Uh, read that back,
would you?
Next? Crucifixion?
- Yes.
- Good.
Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.
Next? Crucifixion?
- Yes.
- Good.
Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.
Next? Crucifixion?
- Uh, no, freedom.
- Mmm? What?
Uh, freedom for me.
They said I hadn't done anything,
so I could go free
and live on an island somewhere.
Oh. Well, that's jolly good.
Well, off you go then.
No, I'm only pulling your leg.
It's crucifixion, really.
Oh, I see.
Very good, very good.
- Well, out of the door
- Yeah, I know the way. Out the door,
one cross each,
line on the left.
Line on the left. Yes, thank you.
- Crucifixion? Good.
- Yes.
People of "Jewusalem,"
"Wome" is your "fwiend."
To "pwove" our "fwiendship,"
it is "customawy" at this time...
to "welease" a "wandewer"
"fwom" our "pwisons."
Whom would you
have me "welease"?
- "Welease" "Woger"!
"Welease" "Woger"!
"Welease" "Woger"!
"Vewy" well,
I shall "welease" "Woger"!
Sir, uh, we don't
have a Roger, sir.
- What?
- Uh, we don't have anyone
of that name, sir.
Ah. We have no "Woger."
Well, what about
"Wodewick," then?
Yeah! Release "Wodewick"!
Release "Wodewick"!
"Centuwion,"
why do they titter so?
Just some,
uh, Jewish joke, sir.
Are they... "wagging" me?
- Oh, no, sir.
"Vewy" well.
I shall "welease" "Wodewick"!
- Sir, we don't have a Roderick, either.
- No "Woger," no "Wodewick."
- Sorry, sir.
Who is this "Wog" Who is
this "Wodewick" to whom you "wefer"?
- He's a "wobber"!
- And a "wapist"!
And a pickpocket!
- Yeah Shh! Shh!
- Shut up!
- He sounds a "notowious" "cwiminal."
- We haven't got him, sir.
Do we have anyone
in our "pwisons" at all?
- Oh, yes, sir. We got a Samson, sir.
- Samson?
Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir.
Uh, Silus the Assyrian Assassin.
Uh, several seditious scribes
from Caesarea.
- Uh, 67
- Let me "thpeak" to them.
- Oh, no
- Yes, good idea, Biggus.
Citizens, we have
Samson the Sadducee Strangler,
Silus the Assyrian Assassin
- Several seditious scribes
from Caesarea.
Next.
- Crucifixion?
- Yes.
Good. Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.
- Jailer
- Excuse me. There's been
some sort of mistake.
Just a moment, would you?
Jailer, how many have come through?
What?
Uh, how many
have come through?
- What?
- YYYYou'll have to...
spespspespspspspeak up
a bit, sir.
- He'sHe'sHe's He's de
- Ah.
He's deaf He's deaf
He's deaf as a pppost, sir.
Oh, yes.
Uh, how many
have come through?
- Oh, dear.
- I make it ninetyf
ninetyf ninetyf
ninetysix, sir.
It's such a senseless waste
of human life, isn't it?
NNNNo, sir.
NNot with these bbastards, sir.
CC N
CCCru
CCrucifixion's
too good 'em, sir.
I don't think you can say it's
too good for them. It's very nasty.
Oh, it's not as nnnana
not as nasty as something
I just thought up, sir.
- Yeah. Now, crucifixion?
- ls there someone I can speak to?
- Well
I know where to get it, if you want it.
- What?
- DDon't worry about hihim, sir.
HHe's de He's de
He's dedede
- He's deaf and mad, sir.
- Well, how did he get the job?
- BBloody Pilate's pet, sir.
Get a move on, Big Nose. There's people
waitin' to be crucified out here.
- Could I see a lawyer or someone?
- Um, do, do you have a lawyer?
- No, but I'm a Roman.
How about a retrial?
We got plenty of time.
- Shut up, you!
- Miserable Romans. No sense of humor.
- I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry.
Can you go straight out?
Line on the left, one cross each. Now
Was it something I said?
- Silence!
This man commands
a "cwack" legion!
He "wanks" as high
as any in "Wome."
Crucifixion party.
Morning. Now, we will be on
a show as we go through the town,
so let's not
let the side down.
Keep in a straight line, three lengths
between you and the man in front...
and a good, steady pace.
Crosses over
your left shoulders,
and if you keep your backs
hard up against the cross beam,
- you'll be there in no time.
All right, centurion.
Crucifixion party
Wait for it!
Crucifixion party,
by the left, forward!
You lucky bastards!
You lucky, jammy bastards!
Let me shoulder
your burden, brother.
Oh, thank you.
- HHey! Hey!
- Hey, what do you think you're doing?
- Uh, it's not my cross.
- Shut up and get on with it!
He had you there, mate, didn't he?
That'll teach you a lesson.
- All right.
I'm gonna give you
one more chance.
This time I want to hear
no "Weubens,"
no "Weginalds,"
no "Wudolph
the Wednosed Weindeers."
No Spencer Tracys!
- Or we shall release no one!
- Release Brian!
- Oh, yeah. That's a good one.
"Welease" "Bwian"!
"Welease" "Bwian"!
"Vewy" well. That's it.
- Sir, we, uh, we have got a Brian, sir.
- What?
Uh, you just sent him
for crucifixion, sir.
Wait, wait.
We do have a "Bwian."
- Well, go and "wepwieve" him,
"stwaight" away.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
"Vewy" well.
I shall... "welease" "Bwian"!
- Get a move on, there!
- Or what?
- Or you'll be in trouble.
- Oh, dear.
You mean I might have to give up
being crucified in the afternoons?
- Shut up!
- That would be a blow, wouldn't it?
I wouldn't have nothing to do.
Oh, thank you.
Are they gone?
WWe've got lumps of it
round the back.
- What?
- Oh, don't worry about him, sir.
He's ma
He's m He's ma
He's mm
He's mm
- He's mad, sir.
- Are they gone?
Oh, ye N
- I n Uh, I n NNNN
- NNNN
- Oh, come on!
Yes, sir.
- Anyway, get on with the story.
- Well, I knew she never
really liked him, so I just
Right.
That's the motion to get on with it,
passed with one abstention.
I propose we go without further ado.
May I have a seconder for
- Let's just go.
- Yeah.
Oh, no!
- Bloody Romans!
- Watch it!
There's still
a few crosses left.
Up you go, Big Nose.
- I'll get you for this, you bastard.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
- No?
I warn you, I'm gonna punch you
so hard, you Roman git!
Shut up, you Jewish turd!
Who are you calling Jewish?
I'm not Jewish!
- I'm a Samaritan!
- A Samaritan?
This is supposed
to be a Jewish section.
It doesn't matter.
You're all gonna die in a day or two!
It may not matter to you, Roman,
but it certainly matters to us,
doesn't it, darling?
- Oh, rather!
- Under the terms
of the Roman occupancy,
we're entitled to be crucified
in a purely Jewish area.
Pharisees separate
from Sadducees.
- And Swedish separate from Welsh!
All right, all right, all right.
We'll soon settle this.
Hands up all those who don't
want to be crucified here.
- Right. Next!
- Uh, look. It's not my cross.
- What?
Um, it's not my cross.
I was, um, holding it for someone.
Just lie down.
I haven't got all day.
No, of course. Look.
I hate to make a fuss
Look. We've had a busy day.
There's 140 of you lot to get up.
- ls he Jewish?
- Will you be quiet?
We don't want any more
Samaritans around here.
Belt up!
Will you let me down if he comes back?
Yeah, yeah,
we'll let you down. Next!
You don't have to do this.
You don't have to take orders.
I like orders.
See? Not so bad,
once you're up.
You being rescued, then,
are you?
It's a bit late for that now,
isn't it?
Oh, now, now. We've got
a couple of days up here.
Plenty of time.
Lots of people get rescued.
- Oh?
- Yeah. My brother usually rescues me,
if he can keep off the tail
for more than 20 minutes.
- Oh?
- Randy little bugger.
Up and down like the Assyrian Empire.
Hello.
Your family arrived, then?
Reg!
- Hello, Sibling Brian.
- Thank God you've come, Reg.
Well, I think I should point out
first, Brian, in all fairness,
we are not the rescue committee.
However, I have been asked to read
the following prepared statement...
on behalf of the movement.
"We the People's Front of Judea
brackets, officials, end brackets
"do hereby convey our sincere
fraternal and sisterly greetings...
to you, Brian, on this,
the occasion of your martyrdom."
What?
"Your death will stand as a landmark...
"in the continuing struggle
to liberate the parent land...
"from the hands of the Roman
imperialist aggressors,
"excluding those concerned with
drainage, medicine, roads, housing,
"education, viniculture and any
other Romans contributing...
"to the welfare of Jews of
both sexes and hermaphrodites.
Signed, on behalf
of the P.F.J., etc."
And I'd just like to add,
on a personal note, my own admiration...
for what you're doing
for us, Brian,
and what must be, after all,
for you a very difficult time.
- Reg, wwhat are you going to
- Goodbye, Brian, and thanks.
Well done, Brian.
Keep it up, lad.
Terrific work, Brian.
Right. And
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
And so say all of us
And so say all of
You bastards!
- You bastards!
You sanctimonious bastards!
- Where is Brian of Nazareth?
- I have an order for his release.
- You stupid bastards!
- Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
- What?
- Yeah, Ill'm Brian of Nazareth.
- Take him down.
- I'm Brian of Nazareth!
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian!
Take him away
and release him.
No, I'm only joking. I'm not
really Brian. No, I'm not Brian.
I was only It was a joke.
I'm only pulling your leg.
It's a joke! I'm not him!
I'm just having you on! Put me back!
Bloody Romans.
Can't take a joke.
The Judean People's Front!
The Judean People's Front!
Forward all!
- Come on!
- The Judean People's Front!
- The Judean People's Front!
We are the Judean People's Front
Crack Suicide Squad.
Suicide Squad, attack!
That showed them.
- You silly sods.
Brian! Brian! Brian!
- Judith!
- Terrific! Great!
Reg has explained it all to me.
I think it's great, what you're doing.
Thank you, Brian.
I'll, I'll never forget you.
So there you are!
I might have known
it would end up like this.
To think of all the love and
affection I've wasted on you.
Well, if that's how you treat
your poor old mother...
in the autumn years
of her life,
all I can say is,
go ahead, be crucified!
See if I care.
I might have known
Mum!
- Mum!
- I don't know
what the world's coming to.
Cheer up, Brian.
You know what they say.
Some things in life are bad.
They can really make you mad.
Other things just
make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing
on life's gristle
Don't grumble
Give a whistle
And this'll help things
turn out for the best
And
Always look
on the bright side of life
Always look
on the light side of life
lf life seems jolly rotten
there's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile
and dance and sing
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and
whistle, that's the thing
And always look
on the bright side of life
Always look
on the bright side of life
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face
the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin
Give the audience a grin
Enjoy it, it's
your last chance anyhow
So always look
on the bright side of death
Just before you draw
your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit
when you look at it
Life's a laugh and
death's a joke, it's true
You'll see it's all a show
People laughing as you go
Just remember that
the last laugh is on you
And always look
on the bright side of life
Always look
on the right side of life
- Come on, Brian. Cheer up.
Always look
on the bright side of life
Always look
on the right side of life
Worse things happen
at sea, you know?
Always look
on the bright side of life
What have you got to lose?
You come from nothing.
You go back to nothing.
What have you lost?
- Nothing!
- Always look
on the right side of life
Nothing will come from nothing.
You know what they say?
- Always look on
- Cheer up, you old bugger.
- The bright side of life
- Give us a grin. There you are.
See? It's the end of the film.
Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer.
Always look
on the right side of life
Who do you think pays for all
this rubbish?
Always look
on the bright side of life
I told him. I said to him, "Bernie,
there'll never make their money back."
Always look
on the right side of life
- We are three wise men.
- What?
- We are three wise men.
Well, what are you doing creeping around
a cow shed at 2:00 in the morning?
That doesn't sound
very wise to me.
- We are astrologers.
- We have come from the east.
Is this some kind of joke?
We wish to praise the infant.
We must pay homage to him.
Homage? You're drunk!
It's disgusting!
Out the door! Out! Bashing me with
tales about Oriental fortunetellers.
- Come on, out!
- No, no. We must see him.
- Go and praise someone else's brat.
- We were led by a star.
Led by a bottle,
more like. Go on out.
We must see him.
We have brought presents.
- Out!
- Gold, frankincense, myrrh.
Well, why didn't you say?
He's over there.
Sorry the place
is a bit of a mess.
- Well, what is myrrh anyway?
- It is a valuable balm.
A balm? What are you giving him
a balm for? It might bite him.
- What?
- That's a dangerous animal.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- It's great big and
- No, it is an ointment.
Well, there is an animal
called a balm... or did I dream it?
So you're astrologers, are you?
Well, what is he, then?
- Hmm?
- What star sign is he?
- Well, Capricorn.
- Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
He is the Son of God,
our Messiah.
King of the Jews!
- That's Capricorn, is it?
- No, that's just him.
Oh, I was gonna say, otherwise
there would be a lot of them.
- By what name are you calling him?
- Uh, Brian.
We worship you, O Brian,
who are lord over us all.
Praise unto you, Brian, and
to the Lord, our Father. Amen.
- You do a lot of this, then?
- What?
- This praising.
- No, no, no, no.
Well, if you're
dropping by again, do pop in.
And thanks a lot for
the gold and frankincense.
But don't worry too much
about the myrrh next time, all right?
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Well, weren't they nice?
Out of their bloody minds,
but still... Iook at that!
Here! Here!
That That's mine!
Hey, he's a baby! Oh!
- Shut up!
Brian
The babe they called Brian
He grew
Grew, grew and grew
Grew up to be
Grew up to be
A boy called Brian
A boy called Brian
He had arms and legs
And hands and feet
This boy
Whose name was Brian
And he grew
Grew, grew and grew
Grew up to be
Yes, he grew up to be
A teenager called Brian
A teenager called Brian
And his face became spotty
Yes, his face became spotty
And his voice
dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and show
He was certainly no
No girl named Brian
Not a girl named Brian
And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And go out and get pissed
A man called Brian
This man called Brian
The man they called Brian
This man called
Bri
- Aah!
How blessed are those who know
that He's a god.
How blessed are the sorrowful.
They shall find consolation.
How blessed are those
of gentle spirit.
They shall have the earth
for their possession.
How blessed are those
who hunger and thirst...
to see right prevail.
They shall be satisfied.
How blessed are those
whose hearts are pure.
They shall see God.
- Speak up!
- Shhh. Quiet, Mum.
Well, I can't hear a thing.
Let's go to the stoning.
- Shhh!
- We can go to a stoning anytime.
- Oh, come on, Brian.
- Will you be quiet?
Don't pick your nose.
I wasn't picking my nose.
I was scratching.
You was picking it
while you was talking to that lady.
- I wasn't.
- Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
Do you mind?
I can't hear a word he's saying.
Don't you "do you mind" me!
I was talking to my husband.
Well, go and talk to him somewhere else.
I can't hear a bloody thing.
Don't you swear at my wife.
I was only asking her to shut up so
we can hear what he's saying, Big Nose.
- Don't you call my husband "Big Nose."
- Well, he has got a big nose.
Could you be quiet, please?
What was that?
I was too busy
talking to Big Nose.
I think it was,
"Blessed are the cheese makers."
What's so special
about the cheese makers?
Well, obviously, it's not meant
to be taken literally.
It refers to any manufacturers
of dairy products.
See, if you hadn't been going on,
we'd have heard that, Big Nose.
Hey! Say that once more,
I'll smash your bloody face in.
Better keep listening. Might be a bit
about, "Blessed are the Big Noses."
Oh, lay off him.
Oh, you're not so bad
yourself, Conch Face.
Where are you two from,
Nose City?
One more time, mate, I'll
take you to fuckin' cleaners!
Language!
And don't pick your nose.
I wasn't gonna pick my nose.
I was gonna thump him!
- Hear that? "Blessed are the Greek."
- The Greek?
Well, apparently
he's going to inherit the earth.
- Did anyone catch his name?
- You're not gonna thump anybody.
I'll thump him
if he calls me "Big Nose" again.
- Oh, shut up, Big Nose.
- Oh! Right. I warned you.
- I really will slug you so hard
- Oh, it's the meek!
"Blessed are the meek"!
Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
I'm glad they're getting something,
'cause they have a hell of a time.
Listen, I'm only telling the truth.
You have got a very big nose.
Hey, your nose gonna be three foot wide
across your face when I'm finished!
- Shhh!
- Who hit yours, then?
Goliath's big brother?
Oh. Right.
That's your last warning.
Oh, do pipe down.
Silly bitch.
Get in the way on me.
Oh, come on.
Let's go to the stoning.
All right.
Blessed is just about anyone with
a vested interest in the status quo.
Well, what Jesus fails to appreciate
is it's the meek who are the problem.
Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg.
Yes, I see.
Oh, come on, Brian. They're gonna
stone him before we get there.
All right.
- That's disgusting.
It's the chap with a big nose's fault.
He started it all.
Oh, I hate wearing these beards.
Why aren't women allowed
to go to stonings, Mum?
It's written, that's why.
Beard, madame?
Oh, look, I haven't got time
to go to no stonings.
He's not well again.
- Stone, sir?
No, they got them up there,
lying around on the ground.
Oh, not like these, sir.
Look at this.
Feel the quality of that.
That's craftsmanship, sir.
Well, all right. We'll have two
with points and a big, flat one.
- Can I have a flat one, Mum?
- Shhh!
- Sorry. Dad.
- All right.
Two points, two flats
and a packet of gravel.
Packet of gravel. Should be
a good one this afternoon.
- Who?
- Local boy.
- Oh, good.
- Enjoy yourselves.
Matthias, son
of Deuteronomy of Gath?
- Do I say yes? Yes.
- Yes.
You have been found guilty
by the elders of the town...
of uttering
the name of our Lord.
- And so as a blasphemer...
you are to be stoned to death.
- Look, I'd had a lovely supper,
and all I said to my wife was,
"That piece of halibut
was good enough for Jehovah."
- Blasphemy! He said it again!
- Did you hear him?
Really!
Are there any women
here today?
Very well. By virtue
of the authority vested in me
Ow! Lay off!
We haven't started yet!
Come on!
Who threw that?
Who threw that stone?
Come on.
She did! She did!
He did! He did!
Sorry. I thought
we'd started.
- Go to the back.
Always one, isn't there?
Now, where were we?
Look, I don't think it ought to be
blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah."
- You're only making it
worse for yourself.
Making it worse?
How could it be worse?
- Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
I'm warning you, if you say
"Jehovah" once more
Right.
Who threw that?
Come on.
Who threw that?
Him, him, him.
- Was it you?
- Yes.
- Right
- Well, you did say "Jehovah."
Stop! Will you stop that?
Stop it! Now, look!
No one is to stone anyone...
until I blow this whistle.
Do you understand? Even and I want
to make this absolutely clear
Even if they do say "Jehovah."
Good shot! Bravo!
- Have I got a big nose, Mum?
- Oh, stop thinking about sex.
- I wasn't!
- You're always on about it,
morning, noon and night.
"Will the girls like this?
Will the girls like that?
Is it too big?
ls it too small?"
Here you are, mate.
- Bless you, sir.
- Alms for the poor.
- Alms for a leper.
- Alms for an exleper.
Bloody donkey owners.
All the same, ain't they?
Never have any change.
Oh, here's a touch.
- Spare a talent for an old exleper?
- Buzz off!
Spare a talent
for an old exleper?
A talent?
That's more than he earns in a month!
- Half a talent, then.
- Now, go away!
- Come on, Big Nose, let's haggle.
- What?
You open at one shekel.
I start at 2,000. We close about 1,800.
- No.
- 1,750?
- Go away!
- 1,740?
- Leave him alone!
- All right, two shekels.
Isn't this fun, eh?
Look, he's not giving you
any money, so piss off!
- All right. Half a shekel
for an old exleper?
- Did you say "exleper"?
Sixteen years behind the bell,
and proud of it, sir.
- Well, what happened?
- I were cured, sir.
- Cured?
- Yes, a bloody miracle, sir.
- Well, who cured you?
- Jesus did, sir.
I was hopping along,
minding my own business.
All of a sudden,
up he comes, cures me!
One minute,
I'm a leper with a trade;
next minute,
my livelihood's gone.
"You're cured, mate."
Bloody dogooder.
Well, why don't you go and tell him
that you want to be a leper again?
I could do that, sir.
Yeah, I could do that, I suppose.
I was gonna ask him if he'd
make me a bit lame in one leg
during the middle of the week.
You know, something beggable but not
leprosy, which is a pain in the ass.
Brian! Come and clean
your room out!
- There you are.
- Thank you, sir. Thank
Half a denary?
Me bloody life story.
There's no pleasing
some people.
That's just
what Jesus said, sir.
- Oh!
- Good afternoon.
Oh, uh, hello, officer.
I'll be with you in a few
moments, all right, dear?
- What's he doing here?
- Don't start that, Brian.
Go and clean your room out.
- Bloody Romans!
- Now look, Brian.
If it wasn't for him,
we wouldn't have all this.
- And don't you forget it.
- We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum.
- Well, that's not entirely true.
- What do you mean?
- Well, you know you were
asking me about your
- My nose?
Yes. Well, there's a reason
it's like it is, Brian.
What is it?
Well, I suppose I should've
told you a long time ago
- What?
- Well, Brian...
your father
isn't Mr. Cohen.
- Well, I never thought he was.
- None of your cheek!
He was a Roman, Brian.
He was a centurion
in the Roman army.
- You mean you were raped?
- Well, at first, yes.
- Who was it?
- Naughtius Maximus, his name was.
Promised me
the known world, he did.
I was to be taken to Rome,
housed by the Forum
slaves, asses' milk,
as much gold as I could eat.
Then he, having his way
with me, he had
- Vroom, like a rat out of an aqueduct!
- The bastard!
Yeah, so next time you go on
about the bloody Romans,
don't forget
you're one of 'em!
I'm not a Roman, Mum!
And I never will be!
I'm a kike, a Yid,
a hebe, a hooknose!
I'm kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea
pedestrian, and proud of it!
Sex, sex, sex. That's all
they think about, huh?
Well, how are you,
then, officer?
Ladies and gentlemen,
the next contest...
is between...
Frank Goliath,
the Macedonian babycrusher,
and Boris Mineburg.
Larks' tongues.
Wren's livers.
Chaffinch brains.
Jaguars' earlobes.
Wolf's nipple chips. Get 'em
while they're hot. They're lovely.
Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar.
Tuscany fried bats.
I do feel, Reg, that any
antilmperialist group like ours...
must reflect such a divergence
of interest within its power base.
- Oh, great. Francis?
- Yeah, I think Judith's point
of view is very valid, Reg,
provided the movement
never forgets...
- that it is the inalienable
right of every man
- Or woman.
or woman
to rid himself
- Or herself.
- or herself
- Agreed.
- Thank you, brother.
- Or sister.
- Or sister.
- Where was I?
- I think you finished.
- Oh, right.
Furthermore, it is
the birthright of every man
- Or woman.
- Why don't you shut up about women?
Women have a perfect right
to play a part in our movement.
Why are you always on
about women, Stan?
I want to be one.
- What?
- I want to be a woman.
From now on, I want you all
to call me "Loretta."
- What?
- It's my right as a man.
Well, why do you want
to be Loretta, Stan?
I want to have babies.
You want to have babies?
It's every man's right
to have babies if he wants them.
- But you can't have babies.
- Don't you oppress me.
I'm not oppressing you.
You haven't got a womb.
Where is the fetus
gonna gestate?
You're gonna keep it
in a box?
Here, I've got an idea.
Suppose you agree that
he can't actually have babies,
not having a womb which is
nobody's fault, not even the Romans'
but that he can have
the right to have babies?
Good idea, Judith.
We shall fight the oppressors...
for your right to have
babies, brother
- Sister. Sorry.
- What's the point?
- What?
- What's the point of fighting
for his right to have babies...
when he can't have babies?
It is symbolic of our
struggle against oppression.
Symbolic of his struggle
against reality.
It's dangerous out there.
Larks' tongues. Otters' noses.
Ocelot spleens.
- Got any nuts?
- Haven't got any nuts. Sorry.
- I've got wrens' livers,
badger spleens
- No, no, no.
- Otters' noses?
- I don't want that Roman rubbish!
- Why don't you sell proper food?
- Proper food?
Yeah, and not those rich,
lmperialist tidbits.
Well, don't blame me.
I didn't ask to sell this stuff.
All right.
Bag of otters' noses, then.
- Make it two. Thanks, Reg.
- Two.
- Are you the Judean People's Front?
- Fuck off!
- What?
- Judean People's Front!
We're the People's Front of Judea!
- Judean People's Front!
- Wankers.
- Can I join your group?
- No. Piss off.
I didn't want to sell
this stuff. It's only a job.
- I hate the Romans as much as anybody!
- Shhh. Shhh!
- Are you sure?
- Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans.
Listen, if you wanted
to join the P.F.J.,
you'd have to really
hate the Romans.
- I do.
- Oh, yeah? How much?
A lot.
Right. You're in.
Listen. The only people
we hate more than the Romans...
are the fuckin'
Judean People's Front.
- Yeah!
- Splitters!
- And the Judean Popular People's Front.
- Oh, yeah! Splitters!
- And the People's Front of Judea.
- Splitters!
- What?
- The People's Front of Judea.
We're the People's Front of Judea!
Oh. I thought we were
the Popular Front.
People's Front!
- What happened to the Popular Front?
- He's over there.
Splitter!
Oh! I think I'm about
to have a cardiac arrest.
- Absolutely dreadful.
Brother! Haha!
What's your name?
Brian. Brian Cohen.
We may have a little job
for you, Brian.
What's this, then?
"Romanes eunt domus"?
"People called Romanes,
they go the house"?
Ilt says "Romans, go home."
No, it doesn't.
What's Latin for "Roman"?
- Come on!
- "Romanes"?
- Goes like?
- "Annus"?
- Vocative plural of "annus" is?
- "Anni"?
- "Romani."
- "Eunt"? What is "eunt"?
- "Go."
Conjugate the verb "to go."
"lre, eo, is, it,
imus, itis, eunt."
So "eunt" is?
Third person plural,
present indicative. "They go."
But "Romans, go home" is
an order, so you must use the
- The imperative.
- Which is?
Um, oh, oh, "i."
- How many Romans?
- Aah! Plural, plural.
- "lte."
- "lte."
- "Domus"? Nominative?
"Go home." This is motion
towards, isn't it, Brian?
Dative!
No, not dative!
Accusative, accusative!
- "Domum," sir. "Ad domum."
- Except when "domus" takes the
- Locative, sir.
- Which is?
- "Domum."
- "Domum."
- "Um."
- Understand?
- Yes, sir.
Now, write it out 100 times.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Hail Caesar, sir.
Hail Caesar. If it's not done
by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you.
Hail Caesar and everything, sir.
Finished!
Right. Now,
don't do it again.
Hey, bloody Romans!
We're gettin' in through the
underground heating system here,
up through into the main
audience chamber here,
and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here.
Having grabbed his wife, we inform
Pilate that she is in our custody...
and forthwith issue our demands.
- Any questions?
- What exactly are the demands?
We're giving Pilate
two days to dismantle...
the entire apparatus of
the Roman lmperialist State,
and if he doesn't agree
immediately, we execute her.
- Cut her head off?
- Cut all her bits off.
Send them back
on the hour, every hour.
And, of course, we point out
that they bear...
full responsibility
when we chop her up...
and that we shall not submit
to blackmail.
No blackmail!
They bled us white, the bastards.
They've taken everything we had.
And not just from us. From our fathers
and from our fathers' fathers.
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
Yeah.
- And from our fathers'
fathers' fathers' fathers.
- Don't labor the point.
And what have they ever
given us in return?
- The aqueduct.
- What?
The aqueduct.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
They did give us that.
And the sanitation.
Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg.
Remember what the city used to be like.
Yeah, I'll grant you,
the aqueduct and sanitation are
two things the Romans have done.
- And the roads.
- Well, obviously the roads.
I mean, the roads go
without saying, don't they?
But apart from the sanitation,
the aqueduct and the roads
- lrrigation.
- Medicine.
- Education.
- Yeah, all right. Fair enough.
- And the wine.
Yeah, that's something we'd really miss,
Reg, if the Romans left.
- Public baths.
- And it's safe to walk
in the streets at night.
Yeah, they certainly keep order.
They're the only ones who could
in a place like this.
All right, but apart from
the sanitation, the medicine,
education, wine, public order,
irrigation, roads,
the fresh water system
and public health,
what have the Romans
ever done for us?
- Brought peace.
- Oh, peace! Shut up!
I'm a poor man.
My sight is poor.
My legs are old and bent.
It's all right, Matthias.
It's all clear.
Well, where's Reg?
Oh, Reg. Reg, Judith.
- What went wrong?
- The first blow has been struck.
- Did he finish the slogan?
- A hundred times,
in letters ten foot high,
all the way around the palace.
Oh, great. Great.
We We need doers
in our movement, Brian,
but before you join us, know this:
There is not one of us who
would not gladly suffer death...
to rid this country of
the Romans once and for all.
- Oh, yeah, there's one.
But otherwise, we're solid.
Are you with us?
Yes.
From now on you shall be called
"Brian that is called Brian."
Tell him about the raid
on Pilate's palace, Francis.
Right.
This is the plan.
Now, this is the palace
on Caesar's Square.
Our commando unit will approach
from Fish Street under cover of night...
and make our way
to the northwestern main drain.
If questioned, we are sewage workers
on our way to a conference.
Reg, our glorious leader
and founder of the P.F.J.,
will be coordinating consultant
at the drain head,
though he himself will not be taking
part in any terrorist action...
as he has a bad back.
- Aren't you going to come with us?
- Solidarity, brother.
Oh, yes, solidarity, Reg.
Once in the sewer,
timing will be of the essence.
There is a Roman feast later
in the evening, so you must move fast.
And don't wear
your best sandals.
Turning left here, we enter the
CaesarAugustus memorial sewer,
and from there proceed
directly to the hypocaust.
This has just been retiled. So,
terrorists, careful with those weapons.
We will now be directly beneath
Pilate's audience chamber itself.
This is the moment for Habbakuk
to get out his prong.
Shhh. Shhh.
Campaign for Free Galilee.
Oh, uh, People's Front
of Judea. Officials.
- Oh.
- What's your group doing here?
We're gonna kidnap Pilate's wife,
take her back, issue demands.
- So are we. That's our plan.
- What?
- We were here first.
- What do you mean?
- We thought of it first.
- We did!
Yes, a couple of years ago.
We did!
Come on. You got all your demands
worked out, then?
- Of course we have.
- What are they?
- Well, I'm not telling you.
- Oh, come on!
That's not the point.
We thought of it before you.
- Did not!
- We did!
You bastards, we've been
planning this for months.
Well, tough pity for you,
Fish Face. Oh!
Brothers, we should
be struggling together.
- We mustn't fight each other.
Surely, we should be united
against the common enemy.
The Judean People's Front!
No, no, the Romans!
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he's right.
- Right. Where were we?
- You were gonna punch me.
Brothers!
What
You lucky bastard.
Who's that?
You lucky, lucky bastard.
What?
Quite the little jailer's pet, are we?
- What do you mean?
- You must've slipped him a few shekels.
Slipped him a few shekels?
You saw him spit in my face.
Oh, what wouldn't I give
to be spat at in the face!
I sometimes hang awake at night
dreaming of being spat at in the face.
Well, it's not exactly friendly.
They have me in manacles.
Manacles?
My idea of heaven is to be
allowed to be put in manacles...
just for a few hours.
They must think the sun shines
out of your ass, son.
Oh, lay off me!
I've had a hard time!
You've had a hard time?
I've been here five years.
They only hung me the right way
up yesterday, so don't you
All right, all right.
They must think
you're Lord God Almighty.
- What will they do to me?
- Oh, you'll probably
get away with crucifixion.
- Crucifixion?
- Yeah, first offense.
Get away with crucifixion?
It's
- Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
- What?
Oh, yeah, if we didn't have crucifixion,
this country'd be in a bloody mess.
- Guard!
- Nail him up, I say!
- Guard!
- Nail some sense into him!
What do you want?
- I want you to move me to another cell.
- Aah!
- Oh, look at that! Bloody favoritism.
- Shut up, you!
- Sorry.
Now take my case.
They hung me up here five years ago.
Every night, they take me down for
which I regard as very fair
in view of what I've done.
And if nothing else, it's
taught me to respect the Romans,
and it's taught me that you'll
never get anywhere in this life...
unless you're prepared to do
a fair day's work for a fair day's
Oh, shut up!
- Here.
- Pilate wants to see you.
- Me?
- Come on!
Pilate? What's he want
to see me for?
I think he wants to know which way up
you want to be crucified.
Nice one, centurion. Like it.
- Shut up!
- Right, right.
Terrific race, the Romans.
Terrific!
- Hail Caesar.
- Hail.
- Only one survivor, sir.
- Oh. "Thwow" him to the floor.
- What's that?
- Throw him to the floor.
Oh.
Now, what is
your name, Jew?
- Brian, sir.
- "Bwian," eh?
No, no. Brian.
- Aah!
The little rascal
has "spiwit."
- Has what, sir?
- "Spiwit."
Yes, he did, sir.
No, no. "Spiwit," "bwavado,"
a touch of "dewwingdo."
Oh, uh, about 11, sir.
So, you dare to "waid" us?
To what, sir?
"Stwike" him, centurion,
very "woughly."
- Aah!
- And "thwow" him to the floor, sir?
- What?
- "Thwow" him to the floor again, sir?
Oh, yes, "thwow" him
to the floor, please.
- Aah!
- Now, Jewish "wapscallion"
I'm not Jewish.
I'm a Roman.
- A "Woman"?
- No, no. Roman.
Aah!
So, your father was
a "Woman." Who was he?
He was a centurion
in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.
Really?
What was his name?
- "Naughtius Maximus."
Centurion, do you have
anyone of that name in the garrison?
Well, no, sir.
Well, you sound very sure.
Have you checked?
Well, no, sir.
I think it's a joke, sir.
Like, uh, "Sillius Soddus"
or "Biggus Dickus," sir.
What's funny
about "Biggus Dickus"?
Well, it's a joke name, sir.
I have a very great
friend in Rome called Biggus Dickus.
Silence!
What is all this insolence?
You will find yourself
in gladiator school "vewy" quickly...
with "wotten" behavior like that.
Can I go now, sir?
Aaah!
Wait till Biggus Dickus
hears of this.
- "Wight"! Take him away!
- Oh, sir, he
- I want him fighting wild,
"wabid" animals within a week.
Yes, sir.
Come on, you.
I will not have my friends
"widiculed" by the common "soldiewy."
Anyone else feel like
a little giggle...
when I mention my "fwiend,"
- Biggus...
- Dickus?
What about you?
Do you find it "wisible"...
when I say the name...
Biggus... Dickus?
He has a wife, you know?
You know what she's called?
She's called "lncontinentia."
- "lncontinentia Buttocks."
Shut up!
What is all this?
I've had enough of this
"wowdy," "webel" behavior!
- Silence! Quiet!
"Pwaetowian" guards!
Seize him! Seize him!
Blow your noses and seize him!
Hmm? Hmm.
Oh, you lucky bastard.
And the bezan
shall be huge and black...
And the eyes thereof red with
the blood of living creatures!
And the whore of Babylon...
shall ride forth
on a threeheaded serpent!
And throughout the lands
there'll be a great rubbing of parts.
The demon shall bear
a ninebladed sword.
Ninebladed not two
or five or seven, but nine
which he will wield on all wretched
sinners, just like you, sir, there.
And the whoring shall be
on the head of Addius.
There shall in that time
be rumors of things going astray,
um, and there shall be a great confusion
as to where things really are.
And nobody will really know
where lieth...
those little things...
with the sort of raffia work
base that has an attachment.
At this time, a friend
shall lose his friend's hammer,
and the young shall not know
where lieth...
the things possessed
by their fathers...
that their fathers put there
only just the night before about 8:00.
Yea, it is written
in the Book of Cyril...
in that time
How much, quick?
It's for the wife.
- Oh, uh, 20 shekels.
- Right.
- What?
- There you are.
- Wait a minute.
- What?
- We're supposed to haggle.
- No, no, no. I've got to get
- What do you mean, no?
- I haven't got time.
- Well, give it back, then.
- No, no. I just paid you.
- Burt, this bloke won't haggle.
- Won't haggle?
All right.
Do we have to?
- I want 20 for that.
- I just gave you 20.
- Are you telling me
that's not worth 20 shekels?
- No.
- Feel the quality.
That's none of your goat.
- I'll give you 19, then.
- No, no, no. Do it properly.
- What?
- Haggle properly. This isn't worth 19.
- You just said it was worth 20.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Come on, haggle.
- All right, I'll give you ten.
- That's more like it.
Ten? Are you
trying to insult me?
Me with a poor, dying
grandmother? Ten?
- All right, I'll give you 11.
- Now you're gettin' it.
Did I hear you right? Eleven?
This cost me 12. You want to ruin me?
- Seventeen?
- No, no, no, no. Seventeen.
- Eighteen.
- No, no. You go to 14 now.
- All right, I'll give you 14.
- Fourteen? Are you joking?
- That's what you told me to say!
- Oh, dear.
Oh, tell me
what to say, please!
- Offer me 14.
- I'll give you 14.
- He's offering me 14 for this!
- Fifteen!
Seventeen. My last word. I won't take
a penny less, or strike me dead.
- Sixteen.
- Done.
Nice to do business with you.
- I'll throw you in this as well.
- I don't want it, but thanks.
- Burt.
- All right, all right.
- Now, where's the 16 you owe me?
- I just gave you 20.
- Right. That's four I owe you, then.
- That's right. That's fine.
- I've got it here somewhere.
- That's four for the gourd.
Four? For this gourd?
Look at it! It's worth ten
if it's worth a shekel.
- You gave it to me for nothing.
- Yes, but it's worth ten.
All right, all right.
No, no, no, no.
It's not worth ten.
You're supposed to argue.
"Ten for that? You must be mad."
Oh, well.
One born every minute.
- Daniel.
- Daniel.
- Job.
- Job.
- Joshua.
- Joshua.
- Judges.
- Judges.
- And Brian.
- And Brian.
I now propose that all seven
of these exbrothers...
be now entered in the minutes
as probationary martyrs to the cause.
- I second that, Reg.
- Thank you, Loretta. On the nod.
Siblings, let us not
be down on it.
One total catastrophe like this...
is just the beginning!
Their glorious deaths
shall unite us all in
Look out!
Hello?
Matthias?
- Reg?
- Go away.
Reg, it's me, Brian.
Get off!
Get off out of it!
- Stan!
- Piss off.
- Yeah, piss off.
- Bugger off.
Oh, shit!
Coming.
Yea, verily at that time it is
written in the book of Obadiah,
a man shall strike his donkey
and his nephew's donkey.
My eyes are dim.
I cannot see.
- Are you Matthias?
- Yes.
We have reason to believe
you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth,
a member of the terrorist organization,
the People's Front of Judea.
Me? No.
I'm just a poor old man.
I have no time
for lawbreakers.
My legs are grey.
My ears are nulled.
My eyes are old and bent.
Quiet!
Silly person.
Guards, search the house.
You know the penalty
laid down by Roman law...
for harboring
a known criminal?
- No.
- Crucifixion.
Oh.
- Nasty, eh?
- Could be worse.
What do you mean,
"Could be worse"?
Well, you could be stabbed.
Stabbed? Takes a second.
Crucifixion lasts hours.
It's a slow, horrible death.
Well, at least it gets you
out in the open air.
You're weird.
No, sir.
Couldn't find anything, sir.
Well, don't worry.
You've not seen the last of us, weirdo.
- Big Nose.
- Watch it!
Whew, that was lucky.
I'm sorry, Reg.
Oh, it's all right.
He's sorry.
He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion
straight to our headquarters.
Well, that's all right,
then, Brian. Sit down.
Have a scone.
Make yourself at home. You klutz!
You stupid, birdbrained,
flatheaded
- My legs are old and bent.
My ears are grizzled. Yes?
There's one place
we didn't look. Guards!
- I'm just a poor old man.
My nose is knackered.
Have you ever seen
anyone crucified?
Crucifixion's a doddle.
Don't keep saying that.
Found this spoon, sir.
Well done, sergeant.
We'll be back, oddball.
Open up!
You haven't given us
time to hide.
- ln that time
- The serpent, he shall strike you
- Holes from every bitch
you got germs from
- Jumbo jets
Don't pass judgement
on other people...
or you might
get judged yourself.
- What?
- I said, don't pass
judgement on other people...
or else you might
get judged too.
- Who, me?
- Yes.
- Thank you very much.
- Not just you. All of you.
- That's a nice gourd.
- What?
- How much do you want for the gourd?
- You can have it.
- Have it?
- Yes. Consider the lilies.
- Don't you want to haggle?
- No. In the field.
- What's wrong with it?
- Nothing. Take it.
- Consider the lilies?
- Well, the birds, then.
- What birds?
- Any birds.
- Why?
- Well, have they got jobs?
- Who?
- The birds.
Have the birds got jobs?
- What's the matter with him?
- Says the birds are scrounging.
The point is, the birds,
they do all right, don't they?
- Well, good luck to 'em.
- Yeah, they're very pretty.
Okay. And you're much more
important than they are, right?
So what are you worrying about?
There you are. See?
I'm worrying about what
you've got against birds.
I haven't got anything
against the birds.
- Consider the lilies.
- He's having a go at the flowers now!
- Give the flowers a chance.
- I'll give you one for it.
- It's yours.
- Two, then.
Look, there was this man,
and he had two servants.
What were they called?
What were their names?
I don't know.
And he gave them some talents.
- You don't know?
- Well, it doesn't matter.
He doesn't know
what they were called!
- They were called Simon and Adrian.
- You said you didn't know!
It really doesn't matter. The point is,
there were these two servants.
- He's making it up as he goes along.
- No, I'm not!
And he gave them
Wait, were there three?
- Oh, he's terrible.
- There were two or three.
- Oh, get off!
Now hear this!
Blessed are they...
- Three.
- who convert their neighbor's asses.
- For they shall inhibit their girth.
- Rubbish!
- And to them only shall be given
to them only...
shall be given
- What?
- Hmm?
- Shall be given what?
- Oh, nothing.
- What were you going to say?
- Nothing.
- Yes, you were going to say something.
- No, I finished.
- Tell us before you go.
- I'm finished.
- No, you don't.
- Why won't he tell?
- Won't say!
- It ain't a secret, is it?
- Must be, otherwise he'd tell us.
- Tell us.
- Leave me alone.
- What is the secret?
- ls it the secret of eternal life?
- He won't say.
If I knew the secret
of eternal life, I wouldn't say.
- Leave me alone!
- Just tell me, please.
- We were here first.
- Go away!
- Tell us, master.
- ls that his gourd?
- Yeah, but it's under offer.
This is his gourd.
- Ten!
- It is his gourd!
We will carry it
for you, master.
- Master?
- He's gone!
- He's been taken up.
He's been taken up!
- Nineteen!
- No, there he is. Over there.
Look! Oh! Oh!
He has given us a sign.
He has given us his shoe!
The shoe is the sign.
Let us follow his example.
- What?
- Let us, like him, hold up one shoe!
For this is his sign that all
who follow him shall do likewise!
- Yes!
- No, no. The shoe is a sign...
that we must gather shoes
together in abundance.
Cast off the shoes.
Follow the gourd!
No, let us gather shoes
together! Let me!
No, it is a sign that, like him, we must
think not of the things of the body...
but of the face and head.
- Give me your shoe!
- Get off!
Follow the gourd,
the Holy Gourd of Jerusalem!
- The gourd!
- Hold up the sandal,
as he has commanded us.
- It is a shoe!
- It's a sandal!
- No, it isn't!
- Cast it away!
- Put it on!
- Clear off!
Take the shoes
and follow him!
Come back! Stop!
Let us Let us pray.
Yea, he cometh to us...
Iike the seeds of the grain.
Master! Master!
Hey! ls there
another way down?
Is there another path
down to the river?
Please, please help me.
I've got to get
Oh, my foot! Oh
- Shhh.
- Oh, damn, damn, damn!
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, damn, damn it! Blast it!
- I'm sorry. Shhh.
- Don't you "shhh" me.
Eighteen years of total silence,
and you "shhh" me!
- What?
- I've kept my vow for 18 years...
Not a single, recognizable,
articulate sound has passed my lips.
Could you be quiet
for another five minutes?
It doesn't matter now.
I might as well enjoy myself.
For the last 18 years,
I've wanted to shout...
and sing and scream
my name out!
- Shhh. Shhh.
- Oh, I'm alive!
Hava nagila, hava nagila
Hava nagila
Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive!
Hello, birds. Hello, trees.
I'm alive! I'm alive!
Hava nagila
Hava n'ra, n'ra
Master! Master! Master!
- Master!
- The master! He is here!
- His shoe led us to him!
Speak! Speak to us, master.
Speak to us!
Go away!
A blessing! A blessing!
How shall we go away, master?
Oh, just go away
and leave me alone!
Give us a sign!
He has given us a sign!
He has brought us to this place!
I didn't bring you here.
You just followed me.
Oh, it's still a good sign
by any standard.
Master, your people
have walked many miles to be with you!
They are weary
and have not eaten.
It's not my fault
they haven't eaten.
There is no food
in this high mountain!
What about the juniper
bushes over there?
A miracle! A miracle!
He has made the bush
fruitful by his words!
They've brought forth
juniper berries.
Of course! They're juniper bushes!
What do you expect!
Show us another miracle.
Do not tempt him, shallow ones!
Is not the miracle of
the juniper bushes enough?
I say, those
are my juniper bushes!
- They are a gift from God.
- They're all I've got to eat.
I say, get off those bushes.
Go on. Clear off.
Lord, I am affected
by a bald patch.
I'm healed!
The master has healed me!
I didn't touch him!
I was blind,
and now I can see!
A miracle! A miracle!
- Tell them to stop it.
I hadn't said a word
for 18 years till he came along.
A miracle!
He is the Messiah!
He hurt my foot!
- Hurt my foot!
- Hurt mine!
- Hail Messiah!
- I'm not the Messiah.
I say you are, Lord, and I should know.
I've followed a few.
Hail Messiah!
I'm not the Messiah!
Will you please listen?
I'm not the Messiah!
Do you understand? Honestly!
Only the true Messiah
denies his divinity.
What? Well, what sort of chance
does that give me?
All right,
I am the Messiah!
He is!
He is the Messiah!
Now, fuck off!
How shall we
fuck off, O Lord?
Just leave me alone!
You told these people
to eat my juniper berries!
You break my bloody foot,
you break my vow of silence...
and then you try to clean up
on my juniper bushes!
- Lay off!
- This is the Messiah, the Chosen One!
- No, he's not.
- An unbeliever!
- An unbeliever!
- Persecute. Kill the heretic!
- Seize him!
- Leave him alone!
Leave him alone!
Leave him alone.
Let him go! Please!
- Brian?
- Judith?
Cockadoodledoo!
Look! There he is!
The Chosen One has woken!
Brian!
- Brian!
- Hang on, Mother!
Shhh.
- Hello, Mother.
- Don't you "Hello, Mother" me!
What are all those people
doing out there?
- Well, I
- Come on. What have you been up to?
I think they must have
popped by for something.
Popped by?
Swarmed by, more like.
There's a multitude out there!
They started following me yesterday.
Well, they can stop
following you right now.
Now, stop following my son!
You ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.
The Messiah! The Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!
- The who?
- The Messiah!
There's no messiah in here.
There's a mess, all right,
but no messiah. Now, go away.
Brian! Brian!
Right, my lad.
What have you been up to?
- Nothing, Mum.
- Come on, out with it.
Well, they think
I'm the Messiah, Mum.
What have you
been telling them?
- Nothing. I only
- You're only making it
worse for yourself.
- I can explain.
- Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!
- Your son is a born leader.
Those people out there are following him
because they believe in him.
They believe he can give them hope
hope of a new life,
a new world,
a better future!
- Who's that?
That's Judith, Mum.
Judith, Mother.
Hmm. Aaah!
- Ohhh!
- Messiah! Messiah! Messiah!
Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!
Now, you listen here.
He's not the Messiah!
He's a very naughty boy.
Now, go away!
- Who are you?
- I'm his mother, that's who.
Behold his mother!
Behold his mother!
Hail to thee,
mother of Brian!
Blessed art thou!
Hosanna!
All praise to thee,
now and always!
Well, now don't think
you can get around me like that.
He's not coming out,
and that's my final word.
- Now, shove off!
- No!
- Did you hear what I said?
- Yes!
Oh, I see.
It's like that, is it?
- Yes!
- Oh, all right, then.
You can see him for one minute,
but not one second more!
- Do you understand?
- Yes.
- Promise?
- Well... all right.
All right, here he is, then.
Come on, Brian. Come and talk.
- But, Mum, Judith.
- Oh, leave that Welsh tart alone.
I don't really want to.
Brian! Brian!
Brian! Brian!
- Good morning.
- A blessing! A blessing!
No, no. Please.
Please, please listen.
I've got one or two
things to say.
Tell us!
Tell us both of them!
Look, you've
got it all wrong.
You don't need to follow me.
You don't need
to follow anybody.
You've got to think
for yourselves.
You're all individuals.
Yes, we're all individuals!
You're all different.
Yes, we're all different!
- I'm not.
- Shhh.
You've all got to work it
out for yourselves.
Yes, we've got to work it
out for ourselves!
Exactly.
Tell us more!
No! That's the point!
Don't let anyone tell you what to do!
Otherwise Ow!
That's enough.
That's enough.
Ooh, that wasn't a minute!
- Oh, yes it was!
- Oh, no it wasn't!
Now, stop that!
And go away!
- Excuse me?
- Yes?
- Are you a virgin?
- I beg your pardon!
Well, if it's not a personal
question, are you a virgin?
If it's not
a personal question?
How much more personal
can you get?
Now, piss off!
- She is.
- Yeah, definitely.
- Morning, Savior.
Lay your hands
on me, quick!
Now, don't jostle
the Chosen One, please.
Don't push that baby
in the Savior's face.
I say, could you just
see my wife?
You'll have to wait,
I'm afraid.
We've got
a luncheon appointment.
The lepers are queuing.
My brotheronlaw
is the exmayor of Gath!
Brian, can I introduce
the gentleman who's letting us
have the Mounts on Sunday?
- Don't push!
- And keep the noise down!
Those possessed by devils,
try and keep them under control.
Incurables, you'll just
have to wait for a few minutes.
Um, women taken in sin, line up
against that wall, will you?
Brian? Brian,
you were fantastic.
You weren't so bad yourself.
No. What you said just now.
It was quite extraordinary.
What?
All that, was it?
We don't any leaders.
You're so right.
- Reg has been dominating us
for too long.
- Well, yes.
- It needed saying,
and you said it, Brian.
- You're very attractive.
It's our revolution.
We can all do it together.
- I think. I think
- We're all behind you, Brian.
- The revolution is in your hands!
- What?
No, that's not
what I meant at all!
You're fuckin' nicked,
me old beauty.
Right.
Stop it.
Well, "Bwian," you've given us
a good "wun" for our money, what?
But this time, I "guawantee"
you will not escape.
Guard, do we have any
"cwucifixions" today?
Passover, sir.
Right. Now we have 140.
Nice, round number, eh, Biggus?
- Hail Caesar!
- Hail.
- The crowd outside getting restless.
Permission
to disperse them, please.
Disperse them?
I haven't addressed them yet.
I know, sir, but
My "addwess" is one of
the high points of the Passover.
My "fwiend" Biggus Dickus has
come all the way from "Wome."
- Hail Caesar.
- Hail "Thaesar,"
You're not
Are you not thinking of giving it
a miss this year, then, sir?
Give it a miss?
Well, it's just that they're in
a rather funny mood today, sir.
"Weally," "centuwion," I'm "surpwised"
to hear a man like you...
"wattled" by
a "wabble" of "wowdy" "webels."
- Uh, a bit thundery, sir.
- Take him away.
I'm a Roman!
Il can prove it! Honestly!
And "cwucify" him well.
Yes.
Biggus.
- Il really wouldn't, sir.
- Out of the way, "centuwion."
Let me come with you,
Pontius.
I may be of "thome" "athistance"
if there is a "thudden" "crithis."
Right. Now item four:
Attainment of world supremacy
within the next five years.
- Uh, Francis, you've been
doing some work on this?
- Yeah. Thank you, Reg.
Well, quite frankly, siblings,
I think five years is optimistic...
unless we can smash the Roman Empire
within the next 12 months.
- Twelve months, yeah?
- Twelve months.
And let's face it, as empires
go, this is the big one,
so we gotta get up off our asses
and stop just talkin' about it.
- Hear! Hear!
- It's action that counts, not words.
- And we need action now!
- Hear! Hear!
You're right. We could
sit around here all day,
talkin', passin' resolutions,
makin' clever speeches.
It's not gonna shift
one Roman soldier!
So let's just stop gabbin' on about it.
It's completely pointless.
- And it's gettin' us nowhere.
- Right!
I agree. This is a complete
waste of time.
- They've arrested Brian!
- What? What?
They dragged him off!
They want to crucify him!
Right! This calls
for immediate discussion!
- What?
- lmmediate!
- Right.
- New motion?
Completely new motion.
Uh, that, uh,
that there be
immediate action
- Once the vote has been taken.
- Obviously once the vote's been taken.
- You can't act on a resolution
till you've voted on it.
- Reg, let's go now, please!
- Right! ln the light of fresh
information from Sibling Judith.
- Not so fast, Reg.
Reg, for God's sake!
It's perfectly simple.
All you've got to do
is to go out of that door now...
and try to stop the Romans
nailing him up!
It's happening, Reg!
Something's actually happening, Reg!
Can't you understand?
Oh!
- Ooh. Ooh. Yup.
A little ego trip
from the feminists?
- What?
- Oh, sorry, Loretta?
Uh, read that back,
would you?
Next? Crucifixion?
- Yes.
- Good.
Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.
Next? Crucifixion?
- Yes.
- Good.
Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.
Next? Crucifixion?
- Uh, no, freedom.
- Mmm? What?
Uh, freedom for me.
They said I hadn't done anything,
so I could go free
and live on an island somewhere.
Oh. Well, that's jolly good.
Well, off you go then.
No, I'm only pulling your leg.
It's crucifixion, really.
Oh, I see.
Very good, very good.
- Well, out of the door
- Yeah, I know the way. Out the door,
one cross each,
line on the left.
Line on the left. Yes, thank you.
- Crucifixion? Good.
- Yes.
People of "Jewusalem,"
"Wome" is your "fwiend."
To "pwove" our "fwiendship,"
it is "customawy" at this time...
to "welease" a "wandewer"
"fwom" our "pwisons."
Whom would you
have me "welease"?
- "Welease" "Woger"!
"Welease" "Woger"!
"Welease" "Woger"!
"Vewy" well,
I shall "welease" "Woger"!
Sir, uh, we don't
have a Roger, sir.
- What?
- Uh, we don't have anyone
of that name, sir.
Ah. We have no "Woger."
Well, what about
"Wodewick," then?
Yeah! Release "Wodewick"!
Release "Wodewick"!
"Centuwion,"
why do they titter so?
Just some,
uh, Jewish joke, sir.
Are they... "wagging" me?
- Oh, no, sir.
"Vewy" well.
I shall "welease" "Wodewick"!
- Sir, we don't have a Roderick, either.
- No "Woger," no "Wodewick."
- Sorry, sir.
Who is this "Wog" Who is
this "Wodewick" to whom you "wefer"?
- He's a "wobber"!
- And a "wapist"!
And a pickpocket!
- Yeah Shh! Shh!
- Shut up!
- He sounds a "notowious" "cwiminal."
- We haven't got him, sir.
Do we have anyone
in our "pwisons" at all?
- Oh, yes, sir. We got a Samson, sir.
- Samson?
Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir.
Uh, Silus the Assyrian Assassin.
Uh, several seditious scribes
from Caesarea.
- Uh, 67
- Let me "thpeak" to them.
- Oh, no
- Yes, good idea, Biggus.
Citizens, we have
Samson the Sadducee Strangler,
Silus the Assyrian Assassin
- Several seditious scribes
from Caesarea.
Next.
- Crucifixion?
- Yes.
Good. Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.
- Jailer
- Excuse me. There's been
some sort of mistake.
Just a moment, would you?
Jailer, how many have come through?
What?
Uh, how many
have come through?
- What?
- YYYYou'll have to...
spespspespspspspeak up
a bit, sir.
- He'sHe'sHe's He's de
- Ah.
He's deaf He's deaf
He's deaf as a pppost, sir.
Oh, yes.
Uh, how many
have come through?
- Oh, dear.
- I make it ninetyf
ninetyf ninetyf
ninetysix, sir.
It's such a senseless waste
of human life, isn't it?
NNNNo, sir.
NNot with these bbastards, sir.
CC N
CCCru
CCrucifixion's
too good 'em, sir.
I don't think you can say it's
too good for them. It's very nasty.
Oh, it's not as nnnana
not as nasty as something
I just thought up, sir.
- Yeah. Now, crucifixion?
- ls there someone I can speak to?
- Well
I know where to get it, if you want it.
- What?
- DDon't worry about hihim, sir.
HHe's de He's de
He's dedede
- He's deaf and mad, sir.
- Well, how did he get the job?
- BBloody Pilate's pet, sir.
Get a move on, Big Nose. There's people
waitin' to be crucified out here.
- Could I see a lawyer or someone?
- Um, do, do you have a lawyer?
- No, but I'm a Roman.
How about a retrial?
We got plenty of time.
- Shut up, you!
- Miserable Romans. No sense of humor.
- I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry.
Can you go straight out?
Line on the left, one cross each. Now
Was it something I said?
- Silence!
This man commands
a "cwack" legion!
He "wanks" as high
as any in "Wome."
Crucifixion party.
Morning. Now, we will be on
a show as we go through the town,
so let's not
let the side down.
Keep in a straight line, three lengths
between you and the man in front...
and a good, steady pace.
Crosses over
your left shoulders,
and if you keep your backs
hard up against the cross beam,
- you'll be there in no time.
All right, centurion.
Crucifixion party
Wait for it!
Crucifixion party,
by the left, forward!
You lucky bastards!
You lucky, jammy bastards!
Let me shoulder
your burden, brother.
Oh, thank you.
- HHey! Hey!
- Hey, what do you think you're doing?
- Uh, it's not my cross.
- Shut up and get on with it!
He had you there, mate, didn't he?
That'll teach you a lesson.
- All right.
I'm gonna give you
one more chance.
This time I want to hear
no "Weubens,"
no "Weginalds,"
no "Wudolph
the Wednosed Weindeers."
No Spencer Tracys!
- Or we shall release no one!
- Release Brian!
- Oh, yeah. That's a good one.
"Welease" "Bwian"!
"Welease" "Bwian"!
"Vewy" well. That's it.
- Sir, we, uh, we have got a Brian, sir.
- What?
Uh, you just sent him
for crucifixion, sir.
Wait, wait.
We do have a "Bwian."
- Well, go and "wepwieve" him,
"stwaight" away.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
"Vewy" well.
I shall... "welease" "Bwian"!
- Get a move on, there!
- Or what?
- Or you'll be in trouble.
- Oh, dear.
You mean I might have to give up
being crucified in the afternoons?
- Shut up!
- That would be a blow, wouldn't it?
I wouldn't have nothing to do.
Oh, thank you.
Are they gone?
WWe've got lumps of it
round the back.
- What?
- Oh, don't worry about him, sir.
He's ma
He's m He's ma
He's mm
He's mm
- He's mad, sir.
- Are they gone?
Oh, ye N
- I n Uh, I n NNNN
- NNNN
- Oh, come on!
Yes, sir.
- Anyway, get on with the story.
- Well, I knew she never
really liked him, so I just
Right.
That's the motion to get on with it,
passed with one abstention.
I propose we go without further ado.
May I have a seconder for
- Let's just go.
- Yeah.
Oh, no!
- Bloody Romans!
- Watch it!
There's still
a few crosses left.
Up you go, Big Nose.
- I'll get you for this, you bastard.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
- No?
I warn you, I'm gonna punch you
so hard, you Roman git!
Shut up, you Jewish turd!
Who are you calling Jewish?
I'm not Jewish!
- I'm a Samaritan!
- A Samaritan?
This is supposed
to be a Jewish section.
It doesn't matter.
You're all gonna die in a day or two!
It may not matter to you, Roman,
but it certainly matters to us,
doesn't it, darling?
- Oh, rather!
- Under the terms
of the Roman occupancy,
we're entitled to be crucified
in a purely Jewish area.
Pharisees separate
from Sadducees.
- And Swedish separate from Welsh!
All right, all right, all right.
We'll soon settle this.
Hands up all those who don't
want to be crucified here.
- Right. Next!
- Uh, look. It's not my cross.
- What?
Um, it's not my cross.
I was, um, holding it for someone.
Just lie down.
I haven't got all day.
No, of course. Look.
I hate to make a fuss
Look. We've had a busy day.
There's 140 of you lot to get up.
- ls he Jewish?
- Will you be quiet?
We don't want any more
Samaritans around here.
Belt up!
Will you let me down if he comes back?
Yeah, yeah,
we'll let you down. Next!
You don't have to do this.
You don't have to take orders.
I like orders.
See? Not so bad,
once you're up.
You being rescued, then,
are you?
It's a bit late for that now,
isn't it?
Oh, now, now. We've got
a couple of days up here.
Plenty of time.
Lots of people get rescued.
- Oh?
- Yeah. My brother usually rescues me,
if he can keep off the tail
for more than 20 minutes.
- Oh?
- Randy little bugger.
Up and down like the Assyrian Empire.
Hello.
Your family arrived, then?
Reg!
- Hello, Sibling Brian.
- Thank God you've come, Reg.
Well, I think I should point out
first, Brian, in all fairness,
we are not the rescue committee.
However, I have been asked to read
the following prepared statement...
on behalf of the movement.
"We the People's Front of Judea
brackets, officials, end brackets
"do hereby convey our sincere
fraternal and sisterly greetings...
to you, Brian, on this,
the occasion of your martyrdom."
What?
"Your death will stand as a landmark...
"in the continuing struggle
to liberate the parent land...
"from the hands of the Roman
imperialist aggressors,
"excluding those concerned with
drainage, medicine, roads, housing,
"education, viniculture and any
other Romans contributing...
"to the welfare of Jews of
both sexes and hermaphrodites.
Signed, on behalf
of the P.F.J., etc."
And I'd just like to add,
on a personal note, my own admiration...
for what you're doing
for us, Brian,
and what must be, after all,
for you a very difficult time.
- Reg, wwhat are you going to
- Goodbye, Brian, and thanks.
Well done, Brian.
Keep it up, lad.
Terrific work, Brian.
Right. And
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
And so say all of us
And so say all of
You bastards!
- You bastards!
You sanctimonious bastards!
- Where is Brian of Nazareth?
- I have an order for his release.
- You stupid bastards!
- Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
- What?
- Yeah, Ill'm Brian of Nazareth.
- Take him down.
- I'm Brian of Nazareth!
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian!
Take him away
and release him.
No, I'm only joking. I'm not
really Brian. No, I'm not Brian.
I was only It was a joke.
I'm only pulling your leg.
It's a joke! I'm not him!
I'm just having you on! Put me back!
Bloody Romans.
Can't take a joke.
The Judean People's Front!
The Judean People's Front!
Forward all!
- Come on!
- The Judean People's Front!
- The Judean People's Front!
We are the Judean People's Front
Crack Suicide Squad.
Suicide Squad, attack!
That showed them.
- You silly sods.
Brian! Brian! Brian!
- Judith!
- Terrific! Great!
Reg has explained it all to me.
I think it's great, what you're doing.
Thank you, Brian.
I'll, I'll never forget you.
So there you are!
I might have known
it would end up like this.
To think of all the love and
affection I've wasted on you.
Well, if that's how you treat
your poor old mother...
in the autumn years
of her life,
all I can say is,
go ahead, be crucified!
See if I care.
I might have known
Mum!
- Mum!
- I don't know
what the world's coming to.
Cheer up, Brian.
You know what they say.
Some things in life are bad.
They can really make you mad.
Other things just
make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing
on life's gristle
Don't grumble
Give a whistle
And this'll help things
turn out for the best
And
Always look
on the bright side of life
Always look
on the light side of life
lf life seems jolly rotten
there's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile
and dance and sing
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and
whistle, that's the thing
And always look
on the bright side of life
Always look
on the bright side of life
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face
the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin
Give the audience a grin
Enjoy it, it's
your last chance anyhow
So always look
on the bright side of death
Just before you draw
your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit
when you look at it
Life's a laugh and
death's a joke, it's true
You'll see it's all a show
People laughing as you go
Just remember that
the last laugh is on you
And always look
on the bright side of life
Always look
on the right side of life
- Come on, Brian. Cheer up.
Always look
on the bright side of life
Always look
on the right side of life
Worse things happen
at sea, you know?
Always look
on the bright side of life
What have you got to lose?
You come from nothing.
You go back to nothing.
What have you lost?
- Nothing!
- Always look
on the right side of life
Nothing will come from nothing.
You know what they say?
- Always look on
- Cheer up, you old bugger.
- The bright side of life
- Give us a grin. There you are.
See? It's the end of the film.
Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer.
Always look
on the right side of life
Who do you think pays for all
this rubbish?
Always look
on the bright side of life
I told him. I said to him, "Bernie,
there'll never make their money back."
Always look
on the right side of life