LiTTLEMAN (Little Man) (2006) Movie Script
One, two, three...
three, three.
Yo, what comes after three?
Four. Four comes after three.
- I don't hear you counting.
- Four.
Four.
- Five.
- Five.
- Six.
- Six. Faster.
- Seven, eight.
- Sims. Sims!
You're going home.
I'll see you around,
sweet mouth.
Inmate on deck.
- He'll be back.
- What's up, baby?
See you around, big man.
Gate open.
Where the hell is this guy?
Cal. Cal.
- What an idiot.
- Let me pop this door for my man.
My main man, just getting
home from prison.
- Percy.
- I'm sorry, Cal.
You stupid?
All right, wait. Hold up. So
they want us to steal a diamond?
- How much your man Walken paying?
- Dig this. A hundred G's.
A hundred G's?
- That's good loot.
- Enough to get my label started.
Let me give you a taste
of my first single.
- It's fire.
- Yeah.
Never been shot before...
but I've been beat about the skull
and the neck area with a crowbar.
Check the lyrics,
check the lyrics.
I'll take you to
the butcher shop.
Let you lick a big pork chop.
Girl, I know you like ham hocks.
If you're Jewish, I
even got lox Hey! Hey!
Yo, camel-mouth.
- That's 50 Cent.
- Cal, that's not 50 Cent.
He talk about candy.
I'm talking about meat.
That's a whole other level.
P-Unit.
You better off stuffing
your money in a mattress.
Yeah. I bet you gonna
mess your money up...
on booze and cheap hookers.
- So?
- What you need to do...
is iust find you a nice
girl and settle down, Cal.
Come on, P, you know
that ain't happening.
I mean, you being
all short and all.
Let me tell you
something about love.
I never had it. I don't want it.
I don't need it. All right?
You ain't gotta keep hitting me, Calvin.
I'm not your child.
How am I gonna be a hard-core rapper
if you keep putting your hands on me?
Don't push me Because
I'm close to the edge.
Check this out. You hang in the
back until Vanessa gets here.
When I give a signal,
you come out.
That's cool. I got you.
Hey, Jimmy, please, man. This
is the biggest day of my life.
- It's gotta go off right, okay?
- Baby, what'd I tell you? I got you.
And can I say something?
- Congratulations, man.
- Thank you.
You done stepped up to the plate.
Give me a hug, homeboy.
Oh, man, you done
did it, you know.
Hey, man, you ain't
had to do this.
You know, the valet tripping.
- Made me park around the corner.
- Jimmy, get-Beat it.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Get on it.
- Hi.
- Hey, beautiful.
So I'm so glad that you got
out of work to be here.
You think I wouldn't take off work?
And miss this? Are you crazy?
Look at you, beautiful.
- You are glowing. My God.
- Thank you.
It feels like it was
iust yesterday...
sitting in this same restaurant,
when I asked you to marry me.
I'm still working on that diamond.
I didn't forget the diamond.
I know, baby. You are the sweetest,
most supportive man on the planet.
Can I talk now?
- I'm sorry. Go ahead.
- Okay.
So you know what I've been
waiting all week to find out.
Yes. Yep.
- Well, I got the news...
- Yeah.
- ...and I'm-
- Pregnant. Yes! Yes!
- Having my baby.
- Oh, no.
- Is so important to me.
- No. No, no.
- Darryl. Darryl.
- Baby.
- There's nothing more special.
- Darryl-No, honey, I'm not pregnant.
- I'm not pregnant.
- Than to raise a family.
- Excuse me, sir. Sir. Sir.
- I thought that you-
- Hey.
- And-
- Sir.
- Jimmy.
- And-
- Sir!
No. Stop. No.
I'm not pregnant.
- No?
- No.
You're not pregnant?
Baby, but you was nauseous and
throwing up all over the place.
Well, I was very nervous.
Baby, what are we doing here?
Darryl...
I got the promotion.
And we're movin' on
up To the east side
Jimmy.
They'll be movin' on up To
that apartment in the sky.
- I'm gonna hurt him.
- Hey. Hey, Jimmy. Jimmy, stop.
- Man-Man, you ain't got to do this.
- Hey...
- Okay, then. All right.
- Beat it.
Congratulations. I'm
really proud of you.
But?
But I thought we was
gonna start a family.
We will, baby.
You know, with this promotion,
everything's on track now.
In a couple of years I'll be senior V.P.,
and I can take time off to have a child.
A couple of years? I
don't wanna wait years.
Darryl, you know, having a
baby changes everything.
Hey, I'm willing to
do whatever it takes.
So no more late-night
poker with the guys.
Cool.
No more...
afternoon quickies.
Stop right there. We haven't
had a afternoon quickie...
since your father moved in.
That is not fair. My dad is getting old.
Sometimes he forgets things.
I don't feel comfortable
with him living by himself.
What about Whispering Glen?
That place looked like a country
club inside the brochure.
They got Viagra
vending machines.
You listen to me.
Until he is a danger to himself
or others, he is staying with us.
Now...
can we celebrate?
Celebration, come on We
gonna celebrate tonight.
Come on, come on, let's celebrate
Let's not have a fight.
And I'm not talking tonight.
Remix! Now just you ladies.
Celebrate, celebrate
Celebrate, celebrate.
Hey, oblivious.
What are you doing?
Getting ready to rob a
iewelry store, Calvin.
I'm going straight Jesse James.
Percy, put the gun away. Guns is
how you wind up back in prison.
I'm telling you, I ain't going back to jail.
You understand?
Now put the gun away.
Why you gotta keep
hitting me, Cal?
Sometimes I gotta slap some
sense into you, Percy.
Come on. Give me a hand.
Now, would you
trust the big man?
I got a plan, yo.
Now, this stone is a
- VVS2, nearly flawless.
- It's been a pleasure, sir.
Just be cool, Cal.
I'm telling you.
Oh, there she go. There's-
Go ahead. Do your thing, Cal.
Pardon me for iust a moment.
- Do your thing.
- Yes? May I help you?
Percy. CEO and A&R
of P-Unit Records.
Here to pick up iewelry
for one of my artists.
Well, holler at your girl.
Step this way, Percy P.
I like the way you
said my name just now.
Can I sit down?
She's sitting down.
Of course you may. Would you
like some gin and juice?
Well, I'm gonna show you some
shiznit right about now.
Yes. Come to daddy.
Now that's what I'm
talking about, baby.
So, what can I get for
you today, Percy P.?
All of the above.
I'll send one of my assistants
from P-Unit Records...
to pick everything up.
Just tell him to pull up to my bumper,
and I'll throw that junk in his trunk.
Word?
Let me get up out of here.
I gotta bounce.
I got some people meeting me
down there, and I gotta...
So I'm gonna leave, you know?
- Okay? See you later, all right? Peace.
- Peace.
Be cool. What's
going on in there?
Has anyone seen my dog?
Hi, puppy.
He stole my dog.
Holy crap.
The Queen's diamond. It's gone.
Relax. We almost there, man.
We about to be paid, man.
I need the police. Yes,
there's been a robbery.
We did it. Modern-day Butch
Cassidy and Sundance.
Come back here with my dog.
- Get out of here, mutt.
- You just tossed a Chihuahua.
- Come on, let's get out of here.
- Gotcha that. We are gone.
Come on, Percy.
- Oh, man.
- This ain't time to be doing doughnuts.
I can't believe this, man.
Damn it, Percy.
You got a boot on the car, and you
about to get one in your butt.
- She finally got me.
- Who?
Nettie, down at Motor Vehicles.
Said I got her pregnant.
I went to family court.
I had all my receipts.
I'm out.
- Hey, yo, Percy. You forgot something.
- What?
Me!
- Come on!
- Sorry, Cal.
- They went that way.
- What'd he look like?
- Black.
- I got him.
- Dark or light?
- Medium.
Suspect is escaping on foot.
African-American male.
About 5'1 O", not real dark,
more of a mocha-caramel color.
What? You shot?
Sweet beiesus. My muscle,
I think I pulled it.
Quick. In here.
Yo, quick, put me down.
We gotta split up.
Okay.
It's late because of the stress,
not because I'm pregnant.
Please, don't even say words like "stress.
" It's not good for the baby.
Darryl, there is no baby.
- Aisle two.
- Well, why didn't you just say that?
- Okay, let's go.
- Okay, fine. Just humor me, okay?
- Okay, let's go.
- Okay.
- Enough.
- Okay, okay.
I got one!
- Come on, man.
- Do not resist. Do not resist.
- I'm not resisting.
- Wilson. Wilson. Wilson.
Come on. It's not our guy.
What? You said African-American.
Yeah, but I said a
mocha-caramel color.
He's like a Starbucks black
decaf, maybe a little cream.
- It's not our guy. Sorry about that.
- Come on, man.
- You sure?
- Yeah. He's okay.
- Wilson!
- Well, he looked mocha to me.
- Thank you.
- What?
He looked real shady. He gonna do
something else, and I'll be waiting.
- You still got the diamond?
- No.
- I had to ditch it.
- Where?
In her bag.
Calvin, now what?
We go get it.
Let's go. Come on.
Follow that car.
Yo, there they are.
- There is no baby.
- There is.
- Honey, there is no baby.
- Well, there will be.
Let's go.
Daddy, we're home.
- There's my baby girl.
- Hi, Daddy.
Who's the best daddy in
the whole, wide world?
- I am.
- I know you can do better than that.
Who's the best daddy in
the whole, wide world?
- I am.
- I can't hear you.
I'm the best daddy in
the whole, wide world!
So, what's the good news?
Dad...
I got the promotion.
Congratulations. Soon you'll make
enough money to leave that bum.
Oh, Dad, he's not a bum.
No? What kind of man gives
the woman he loves...
a wedding ring with no diamond?
Hey, as soon as I make enough
money, I'm gonna buy her a diamond.
And I'm going to do the nasty
with Jennifer Lopez...
while Halle Berry
tickle my butt.
You know, for a moment I thought
you were gonna tell me...
you were gonna let this
one impregnate you.
But I see now, this man ain't
got no bullets in the chamber.
What's that supposed to mean?
You heard me. You're
shooting blanks.
- Cooking with a wet noodle.
- What?
Can't hoist the mainsail.
My sperm have fallen
and it can't get up.
I'll have you know, I
hit that every night.
Hey, that's my daughter
you talking about.
- Back up, old man.
- Okay, okay. Stop. Stop. Please.
Gentlemen.
Dad, we are going to have a
baby when the time is right.
Play nice.
It's still in the bag.
Still in the bag. Let's
go get the rock.
Yo, Percy, how many times I
gotta tell you? No guns.
What we gonna do?
Walken is gonna kill us if we
don't give him the diamond.
Then I guess we gotta
find a way to sneak in.
Well, they did say
they wanted a baby.
No. No.
No. I ain't dressing
up like no baby.
Keep still, Cal. You heavy.
You gonna make me drop you.
You drop me and I'm
gonna drop you.
Now, look, you stay close.
I'm gonna go in, I'm gonna get
the diamond, and I'm out.
If you don't mind me saying, Cal,
you make a cute little baby.
I'm out.
You couldn't find nothing
better than a dog basket?
You iust be cool. I told you,
this gonna be great, Cal.
Just hold tight.
Everything gonna be fine.
I'm gonna be over
here in the bushes.
Move, dog.
Get out of here. I'll
make a coat out of you.
Get out of here before I
feed you some chocolate.
Get out of here, you fleabag.
- Go.
- Get out of here.
Wait, hold-Wait. Muttley, wait.
No, no.
Honey.
- Yeah?
- Come here.
- What is it, Darryl?
- Look.
Oh, my God.
It's a baby.
I know. And here's a note too.
"Plez luk tafter Kalvin.
We wuzn't abele to keap em."
Poor guy. His parents
must've been retarded.
Well, let's get him inside.
- It's cold out here.
- Okay, okay. All right.
Come on, little guy.
- Yes.
- I got you.
Oh, damn.
- What in the hell is that?
- I don't know.
Man.
Dad, we found a baby
on the doorstep.
- What? What is it? A boy or girl?
- Dada.
I think it's a boy.
Well, whatever it is,
it smell like piss.
Yeah. I think Janet may have
left diapers here. Let's look.
Doesn't your dad have
some diapers upstairs?
I heard that. I don't wear diapers.
Who you talking about?
Haven't worn a diaper in years.
I think she put them in here.
What is it?
That ain't no baby.
That's a porn star.
What on girth is that?
I'm gonna call Child Services.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Do that.
Directory assistance.
Yes, can I have the number
for Child Services, please?
Connecting you.
Child Services is now
closed for the weekend.
We will re-open at 9 a.
M. Monday morning.
They're closed for the weekend.
The office doesn't open until
So, what do we do now?
I say, toss this creature back in the
Black Lagoon where it came from.
Daddy, stop it.
Maybe we should call the police.
- That doesn't sound good.
- No, we should take him to the doctor.
Get him checked out. Who knows
what he's been through?
- Okay?
- I'll go get the car keys.
- All right.
- Okay.
Now, when you get to the hospital,
don't stop. Don't stop.
Toss that monster out the
window and keep moving.
Hit the accelerator. I don't wanna
see that little ugly thing again.
Stinky little thing.
Was it a little cough?
- No.
- No.
No, this was like a
grown-man, smoker's cough.
Well, it's probably nothing.
Come on, let's get
his shirt off.
He's a strong little fella.
Oh, my God. What is that scar?
From the look of it, I'd say...
this little guy has had
his appendix removed.
Or he was in one hell
of a knife fight.
What kind of person
tattoos a child?
Oh, you'd be amazed. Come on.
Open up. Open up and say:
Come on. Come on. Come on.
- Wha-? What is it?
- I've never seen a...
baby with bridgework.
This child has the mouth
of a 40-year-old man.
I can't tell whether these teeth
are coming in or falling out.
Well, he's gonna be okay?
He's fine.
His tonsils are a little swollen
and he might have a bit of a cold.
As a precaution...
you should take his temperature
before you put him to bed.
- All right. Thank you, Dr. Murphy.
- Okay.
- Thank you very much.
- Bye.
This is iust-It's horrible.
Look at this child.
Let's turn him over
to the authorities.
They can find his parents
and prosecute them.
Are you crazy? We can't do that.
This kid's been
through the wringer.
Besides, his birth parents
are probably crackheads.
They're iust gonna
put them in rehab.
Then they'll be back on the street,
selling him for a bag of rocks.
What are you saying?
I'm saying, why don't
we just keep him?
- Just until Monday.
- No. No, Darryl.
- Just until-
- He's a child.
- I don't know what to do with a child.
- Just until Monday.
And then we'll take him
to Child Services.
They'll find a home for him.
Besides, who could take better
care of this child than us?
- Where is he?
- Oh, man.
Where do you think you're going?
Well, what do we got here?
- Is this your baby?
- Yes, thank you.
Well, actually...
- ...we found him-
- Mama.
He called me Mama.
There you go.
Thank you, officer. Thank you.
You know, Percy, I don't like
having to look for people.
Who, me? I wasn't hiding, Mr. W.
Not Percy. Not the Kid.
I was gonna come soon
as I got the diamond.
So you don't have
my diamond, huh?
No. I mean, I do.
I don't have it on me
now, but it's safe.
We got everything on lockdown.
Believe me. Trust me.
You trying to hustle me, Percy?
Hustle a hustler? Ain't
nothing happening, Mr. W.
It's iust that the robbery didn't
go as smooth as we wanted to.
And a situation had popped
up, so we had to split.
- But my partner, he-
- Your partner is not my problem.
My problem is I don't
have my diamond.
Now, I'm gonna
give you 24 hours.
After that, my problem becomes
Bruno and Rosco's problem.
And they...
become your problem.
You got a problem with that?
Ain't got no problem
with that, Mr. W.
I got it all under
control, I swear.
Don't want a smudge on it,
not a speck, nothing.
Not a smudge.
Okay, Mr. W.
Get him out of here.
- Get him out of here.
- Come on.
Ain't nothing better
than the evening news...
and my favorite,
milk and cookies.
Damn, I forgot my milk.
Jeez, man, you can't be
popping up like that.
For a moment I thought
you were Chucky.
About to put you in a chokehold.
What are you looking at?
A man who exposed himself to police
oflicers in a doughnut shop...
claimed that voices
made him do it.
Oh, honey, look how
comfortable he is with us.
He is so cute.
Oh, no, you don't.
No, you don't. No, no, no.
- Dad.
- Come on, Pop, let him sit there.
- Let him have a cookie.
- This is my throne, my sanctuary.
This is my air, my end zone.
- It's iust a cookie.
- Oh, it start with the cookie.
Then they want to come to dinner.
Then they want to move in.
Next thing you know, they're
married to your daughter.
- Why he got to bring it back here-
- Already made that mistake once.
- Come on, now.
- Honey.
No more, my brother.
Nobody makes a fool out of me.
I'm from Detroit.
- Everybody's here.
- I can't wait...
for everybody to
meet little Calvin.
- I'm so excited.
- Yeah, yeah.
Introduce him to everybody else, and
go over to somebody else's house.
Cookie got a little bite to it.
- Hi. Come in, come in, come in.
- Hello, hello, hello.
- Hello, hello.
- I'm so excited.
- Hey.
- Hello.
- Consuela, welcome. Come in.
- So where is the little one?
- Here's Calvin.
- Here's Calvin.
- What a mess.
- Honey, that's not nice.
He's scary.
Yeah, well, I mean...
- I mean, lucky he's not yours, right?
- Yeah.
I iust think he is precious. I think
he is a precious gift from God.
You know, God gives gifts.
Sometimes he wraps them in a hurry. Sometimes.
Isn't he a precious gift?
Oh, yeah. He's adorable...
in a National
Geographic sort of way.
What is he, a pygmy?
Consuela, why don't you
take the kids to go play?
Yes, good idea. Come on, guys.
Tommy, show Nicholas that
scissor-lock thing...
we've been working on, huh?
Hey, little man. No
hard feelings, right?
Give me five.
Hey, guess what, Calvin?
We brought you some stuff.
We got you some stuff. We got
a box full of bottles, bibs.
Oh, and all of the Dinosaurus Rex
tapes you could possibly want.
Well, thank you.
That's a lot of stuff.
He is so cute. I got your nose.
Yes, I do. Yes, I do.
Oh, you got my nose.
You got my nose. Yes, you do.
He's got my nose. He's got my nose.
He's hurting-
Darryl, he's hurting me.
- He's hurting me.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Wow, is he strong.
Yeah, tell me about it. I
still can't feel my hand.
Okay, Darryl, I think you
should take the crib upstairs.
- Yes.
- Ladies, will you help with this stuff?
Okay.
- Guys, help me grab this.
- I'll get this box.
Let's go into the kitchen.
Come, Calvin.
- Come on, baby.
- Come on, little pumpkin-butt.
Janet, this fits perfectly.
- Thank you.
- Let me see.
I'm glad I kept it.
Can't remember the last time I
could wear horizontal stripes.
But, you know, here I go again.
How about you, woman of the hour?
- Congratulations on the promotion.
- Oh, thank you.
It's awesome. Was Darryl
so excited or what?
No, actually. He
was disappointed.
Baby up-up.
He thought I was going to
tell him I was pregnant.
Okay, right.
Little Ms. Corporate-Climber
pregnant?
What? You guys. I want to
have a baby at some point.
You could schedule one between a
conference call and a client meeting.
Okay, you know, Darryl is the one
that I'm really worried about.
Are you kidding me? You're
lucky he wants one at all.
I had to promise Greg
I'd give him these.
Okay, now. Okay, easy, fella.
This one's real grabby. He
must have been breast-fed.
Is the baby hungry?
He should be nursed.
Baby like nursey-nursey.
Well, are you sure
you should do that?
Yeah. You don't have to be the
birth mother to breast-feed.
- Nursey-nursey?
- You want to nursey?
Okay.
All right.
- Drink up, precious.
- This one's real wriggly, huh?
Come on. Come on, now. Suck it.
Latch-Oh, that is not okay.
Let's get these kids home.
I have to take Nicholas and
Chrissy to Mommy and Me tomorrow.
Oh, have fun.
Don't worry about the nose.
He's adorable.
- Thanks for all the stuff.
- Call if you need anything.
- Bye, good night.
- Good night.
If you change your mind about
Consuela, you can take her.
- Oh, thanks.
- I've got, like, all the chores.
One for you...
and one for the baby.
He's a little charmer, isn't he?
Call me.
I could have sworn he iust
stuck his tongue in my mouth.
- Well, I-That was-I thought-
- That went well.
- Yeah.
- I thought they thought he was cute.
Great. You're wonder-Oh,
Calvin, you did so good.
- Come on. Yeah.
- You did so well.
If that lady touches you in a way
that makes you uncomfortable...
you let us know, okay?
- Yeah. You're the charmer.
- Yeah.
Does that warm water feel good?
Does it feel nice?
Yeah. Look at you.
Do you want some company
in there with you?
I think we can work that out.
Yeah? Yeah?
Hey, Darryl?
Hello. It's bath time.
Come on, let's get clean.
We gonna clean your little butt-butt.
Yes, we are.
And then we gonna play
Snatch the Marbles.
We're gonna fart in the tub...
and make our own little
Jacuzzi bubbles.
Oh, the little baby. Yes,
you're so clean now.
You're so nice and clean.
Hey. Okay-Calvin.
Okay, Calvin.
Okay. Hey, Darryl?
- All right, sweetie.
- Hello, little boy.
Hi, cutie.
Now it's time to get you
all dressed for bed, huh?
Don't forget the doctor said we
need to take his temperature.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Open up wide.
- Darryl, what are you doing?
- I'm taking his temperature.
Sweetie, he's a baby, so
that's a rectal thermometer.
Yeah. Go ahead.
- You're such a-
- Okay, baby.
All right. Here we go. There we-
- Oh, shit.
- Darryl, what are you doing?
Darryl, come on. Darryl, iust-
- I'm trying to-
- Honey.
It's okay, Calvin. It's okay.
- If he'll iust roll over here.
- Okay, good, good.
- I could get him down like-
- No, no.
- Wait, be gentle. Calvin, it's okay.
- He's a little strong.
Okay, all right. Nobody
likes this, I know.
I know, nobody-Nobody
likes this.
It's okay. It's okay. Oh, yeah.
There we go, son.
- Here comes the choo-choo train.
- You're okay, baby. Oh, yeah.
It's in the tunnel, son.
It's almost at your stop.
There you go, little man.
Now, this is gonna
put you to sleep.
All right, little buddy.
Good night, baby.
Like this thing's gonna
put somebody to sleep.
I'm gonna wait for
you to go to sleep.
I'm gonna get my
diamond and be out.
Come on, baby, be in here.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, where you at?
Where you at?
There we go.
Hi, beautiful. Yes.
Man, this idiot better
pick up the phone.
People calling here
all kind of time.
Like people don't live here. I mean,
you can't be calling nobody house...
P- Unit Productions, in association
with Go Get a Girl Entertainment.
- Hey, yo, Percy. It's me.
- Calvin?
- What's going on?
- I need you to come pick me up.
- Now, look, I got the dia-
- Reach for the sky.
Who you talking to, sonny boy?
Oh, don't give me that old...
crap.
Hand me that damn phone.
- Who is this?
- Me no speak no English.
Wrong number. Sorry.
Who the hell's "No speak the English"?
Who the hell is this?
- Say something.
- What are you doing?
I heard some noises,
came downstairs...
and caught this little
hoodlum on the phone.
- Must've looked for the safe.
- We don't have a safe.
- He didn't know that.
- Dada.
Pop, man. He's a baby.
It's his first night in a new house.
Probably couldn't sleep.
Look at you. You look crazy, man.
Holding a shotgun, wearing red socks.
You look like Fred Sanford on crack.
Put that away, man. Go to bed.
Oh, you are good.
You are real good.
I'm gonna keep my eye on you.
You gonna give me the finger?
Where did you learn that, huh?
BET videos fter Dark?
Him scary.
There we go.
Don't pay him any mind.
He just a old, crazy man.
I know iust what to fix you so you
can have a good night's sleep.
Go. Boy, you must have
had a rough first night.
That's because I'm new
at this dad stuff.
Give me a minute,
I'll get it together.
Man, can't imagine what kind
of life you must have had.
I'll tell you this:
This weekend is gonna be the
best weekend of your life.
You know why?
Because I'm gonna show you how
great it is to have a dad...
and you're gonna show me how
great it is to be a dad.
Vanessa don't think I can do
it, but I know I got it in me.
You know why? Because I would
never abandon my child.
Ever. I'll always
be there for him.
And there'll never be a time
when my son can't come to me...
and talk to me about
anything in the world...
over a nice, warm cup of milk.
What's so funny? What
are you all giggly for?
You're drinking
Janet's breast milk.
Baby, you did the right thing, letting
him stay with us this weekend.
Thank you.
But you know, I still can't wait
for us to have one of our own.
- Yes, I know.
- All right.
You wanna know the nice thing
about you not being pregnant?
What?
We get to keep trying.
Honey? What about the baby?
He's asleep, don't worry about him.
You've got me.
But, honey...
he's watching.
He's too young to know what's going on.
Forget him.
Okay.
Okay.
Good morning.
More like, great morning.
Looks like someone had a really
good night's sleep last night.
Who could sleep?
- You were an animal last night.
- Oh, well, you know-
I don't remember the last time
we did it twice in one night.
Twice?
Hey, when did he get in the bed?
I don't know. I don't know how
he gets out of that crib.
He's such a crafty little fella.
You want some breakfast?
Some more ass.
Twice?
- How's my baby girl this morning?
- So good, Dad.
- How are you?
- Mighty fine, thank you.
No, no, no.
Thanks very much, Jim.
And in other news...
police have a suspect in
yesterday's daring diamond heist.
It is this man, Calvin
"Baby Face" Sims...
- ...who was released-
- D. Rex, D. Rex, D. Rex.
Stop that, whatever
you're talking about.
D. Rex, D. Rex, D. Rex.
Just be quiet.
- D. Rex.
- Baby Face-
Dad, let Calvin watch his show.
You have to be the adult.
Let Calvin watch his tape.
- I wanna watch the news.
- I don't care what you wanna watch.
He was watching the TV first.
I'll read the news.
I tell you, the world is
going to hell in a handcart.
Wow, Dad, you really
cleaned your plate.
What? That hobgoblin
ate my breakfast.
Oh, Daddy, don't be ridiculous.
I ain't being ridiculous. That
little sucker ate my breakfast.
I'm going to the diner, where I can
eat and watch the news in peace.
Okay, Dad. Be careful.
Why don't we get you some food?
You must be so hungry.
It's time for you
to eat something.
- Morning, sweetie.
- Oh, good morning, baby.
Hello.
- I have your breakfast right here.
- Oh, goodie.
Oh, sweetie, okay, now your
dad is really tripping.
Last night, I caught him holding
little Calvin at gunpoint...
because he heard him
talking on the phone.
That is-That's crazy.
Well, you know...
iust now he ate all of his breakfast,
and then he told me the baby ate it.
- Can you say, "Whispering Glen"?
- No, Darryl.
No nursing homes, okay?
I don't wanna have this
conversation with you again.
I have to go to work, but
the baby's food is here.
- And I love you.
- I love you too.
Have a good day. Kiss. Feed him.
All right.
Okay, okay, let's
get you all fed.
All right. Open up wide.
Here come the airplane.
Oh, I see.
You want to play a
game of peekaboo, huh?
Okay, okay, okay.
Peekaboo, I see you.
Peekaboo, I see you.
You gotta be kidding me. God.
Darryl?
Where did I put it?
Honey, I forgot my purse.
Darryl. Darryl.
Sweetheart. You can't just
fall asleep like this.
Oh, honey, I know that you're tired,
but you have to watch the baby.
You take your eyes off him for a
minute, God knows what could happen.
I was...
- Darryl.
- I was...
- What...?
- I don't-
Honey, iust take him to the
park or something, okay?
Okay.
What...?
Peekaboo. Then I don't-What?
We gonna play baseball.
We gonna play football.
And we're gonna play golf.
And we're gonna shoot a plane.
We're gonna have fun.
There we go.
All right, son. Now, don't be afraid
to really swing that bat, okay?
Now, the trick is to really keep
your eye on the ball, okay?
Here we go.
Yeah, you want that
sucker to really fly.
You wanna give that thing
a lot of air, okay?
There you go. Give
it some good pump.
You want it to really fly.
You want it to blast off.
Yeah, there you go. No, no, no.
You want to point that up.
No. No, no, son. What are you-? No, no, no.
Don't push that button.
Okay, so now, what you wanna do
is you wanna wind that baby up...
and you throw it as
hard as you can, okay?
- Okay.
- All right. Come on.
Look at that. Yeah.
Yeah. Look at that sucker.
Where'd it go?
The ducks teach you playfulness.
Here, you can borrow this if you want.
He'd love it.
Hey, Dad-For-A-Weekend.
How's it going?
I think they designed all the
toys to hit you in the nuts.
Oh, yeah.
Get off.
Richard, I bet my son could kick
the crap out of both your kids...
blindfolded, one hand
tied behind his back.
Come on, Greg. Nicholas is
a sweet, sensitive kid.
He's not a fighter.
I'm telling you, Darryl, see, you
gotta be tough on kids nowadays.
All right, the slightest bit of
weakness and they could end up...
like that.
Well, I don't know about all that,
but I gotta be honest with you.
I'm starting to dig this father thing.
It's kind of cool.
It's kind of like I get to do all the
things that I never did with my dad.
- You know?
- That's real cute.
Really, I think I'm having a
positive influence on him.
Cee-lo, that's right. Dig
up in your OshKosh...
your babyGap and pay the man.
- That's right. Yeah.
- It's not fair.
Come on, put your
money in the pot.
Whine to your mama,
don't whine to me.
Right, good game, good game.
Come here, you guys. Come here.
Yo, y'all bring your
money tomorrow...
I'm gonna sell y'all some
pictures of some naked girls.
What I say? Y'all don't
like big breasts?
Daddy, can I have
some ice cream?
Sure, sweetie. What flavor?
- Vanilla.
- You got it.
- I think we'll go with you.
- Okay.
- You're getting big.
- Janet, do me a favor?
- Could you watch Calvin for me?
- No problem.
Calvin.
Percy.
- Cal, you get the diamond?
- Yeah, it's in the diaper bag. Come on.
Hold hands.
Cal, which one is it?
The one with the duck on it.
- They all got ducks on them.
- I think it's that one.
Come on.
Hey, that guy's not
even here with a child.
Hey.
Hey, get away from him.
Girls, let's get him!
- I'm out.
- There he is.
Pumpkin, are you okay?
- Did he touch you anywhere?
- No.
No? Okay. Good.
- Hey, is everything okay, Janet?
- It's not okay.
Some sick pervert tried to run
away with this little guy.
Hey, that psycho
took my diaper bag.
- What?
- Damn.
Pervert.
Okay, we gonna get you home where
it's nice and safe, all right?
Keys, keys. I want the keys.
Keys, keys, I want keys.
Keys. Keys. Keys.
No, no, no. Daddy needs
these to drive the-
- Keys.
- Oh, God.
Keys. Give me the keys.
- Oh, no. Here. Take that.
- No. Keys.
- I want keys.
- Play with that for a while.
- No, no, no. I need these.
- I want keys.
- Want keys.
- Okay, here.
- Keys.
- All right, all right.
All right, you wait right there,
and I'll be right back, okay?
Hey!
My car. My kid.
Hey, stop!
Someone iust stole my
car with my kid in it.
Hop in.
- Thank you.
- Let's go get that son of a bitch.
Damn.
Man, my wife is gonna kill me
when she finds out about this.
My advice to you is
don't tell her a word.
I left Bobby Jr. At
an amusement park.
Told his father he was at summer camp.
Bought me a week.
Hello? I'm on my way. I'll be
there in about five minutes.
I have the cupcakes. Yes.
I didn't bring iuice.
You didn't tell me.
- Don't talk to me that way.
- Excuse me.
- I'm hanging up.
- Oh, my God.
I'm hanging up. I'm hanging up.
Watch the road, moron.
Come on, baby. Let's go.
Let's do this.
Oh, wow, you are really upset.
It makes me feel so good to know that
there are people out there who care...
- Mommy, Mommy...
- ... about their kids-What?
As I do.
- Mommy, Mommy.
- Just one second, honey.
I'm fixing my makeup.
- Mom.
- What?
I think Dillon did a doodie.
- Mom, hurry up. Come on, hurry.
- Change him.
Oh, wait, no. Wait.
Oh, my God. Excuse me. A truck.
Excuse me. A truck.
There you go. Can you
hand me the powder?
What? No, stop.
We're gonna die.
Oh, my God.
Don't worry. You'll get
your little boy back.
It ain't worth it. Let me out.
Oh, no.
- Suspect got away.
- Damn it!
- But the kid's okay.
- I want my daddy.
I want Daddy. I want my daddy.
Thanks for everything.
Oh, by the way, I
run a carpool...
if the little one ever
needs a ride to preschool.
- Daddy.
- That's my kid.
Daddy. Daddy.
- Are you okay, huh?
- Daddy.
- Son's okay, but car's totaled.
- Screw the car. Long as he's okay.
I'm sorry, man. I'm
sorry, little buddy.
I would never want
anything to happen to you.
I love you, man.
- Mr. W.
- Yeah.
Your boy came through. I got it.
Bring it to me. Watch
my drink, babe.
Keep looking. Keep digging in there. It's in there.
It's in there, baby.
Look around in there.
Mr. Dub, could you
dig deeper in there?
Damn.
Is that a dirty diaper?
- Did I iust touch a dirty diaper?
- Wait a minute.
Whoa, that baby had
lasagna last night.
I know it's in here.
The diamond's in here.
- He said the diamond's in there.
- Your 24 hours are up, Percy.
And you haven't
delivered my diamond.
Do you know how
that makes me feel?
Please, Mr. Dub, give me a little more time.
I promise I'll get the rock.
It makes me feel like wanting
to hurt you very badly.
But I won't.
Because that diamond means
more to me than your life.
Now, you get out of here
and find me that diamond.
- Get out of here.
- I promise you, okay? I got you.
Follow him. Find his partner.
Get me my diamond, then stick
them both in the ground.
Aren't you taking
this a bit far?
I didn't even know they
made a LoJack for kids.
No, I'm telling you, I'm not taking any chances.
This guy's tricky.
Maybe I should skip the game.
Are you crazy? They're
playing Detroit, D.
Why don't we pack up the little ugly
son of a bitch and take him with us?
You really think
that's the best idea?
Yeah, Richard, I do think
it's the best idea.
It's never too early to
become a Chicago fan.
- You know what, I'm in.
- Yeah. Come on, let's go.
Okay, but when the ladies ask,
I was the one that said no.
I- No.
Are you ready to see how
exciting a hockey game is?
It's like boxing on ice.
Five rows up behind the penalty box.
Who the man?
- Yeah, boy. Yeah.
- That's right.
Let's go. Come on. Come on.
- Go, go, go.
- Come on, what are you watching?
Did you see that play? Hey.
What you got in your mouth
there, little fella?
What you got in your mouth? Open up.
Open. Let me see.
Oh, okay, it was nothing.
Come on.
T Man!
- Come on.
- Here we go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- All right, who needs drinks?
- I'm good.
Oh, wait. Yeah, I guess I
need another one, please.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
How about you guys?
Anything to drink?
- Yeah, I'll grab a beer, sure.
- Me too, me too. Get me one.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- Okay. Here you go.
- Nice ass.
Pig.
Tramp.
What the hell was that for?
- What did I do?
- You know her?
No, I don't know her.
I don't know-I don't.
- Hey, man. Get your own.
- Hey.
- What?
- Beer. It's empty.
- So get another one.
- I'm gonna-
- Get off. Wait.
- What's your problem, man?
- Come on, man. Come on, Miller.
- Miller.
You suck.
- You suck, man. You suck.
- Shut it, you losers!
Want some of me? Come down here.
Come play with the big boys.
- You're a bully. You're a bully, man.
- Yeah, I thought so, you princess.
- Come on, you.
- Pick on somebody your own size.
Come on down here, then.
Who did that?
You. You're dead!
He's gonna kill me.
- Get out of my way.
- It wasn't me. It was the baby.
- You're mine.
- Get him.
Hockey fight!
He's got my ear. Get
this baby off of me.
- Hey. Hey, hey.
- Is that all you got?
I don't know, baby.
Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm
not ready to be a dad yet.
It really wasn't your fault.
It's so funny, man. It
just happened so fast.
I took my eyes off him
for one second and:
He would've never had
another birthday again.
Hey. Why don't we do that?
Why don't we throw him
a birthday party?
Well, we don't know
when his birthday is.
So what? We'll
celebrate it tomorrow.
We'll throw him a big birthday bash. The
biggest birthday party he ever had.
That is a really good idea.
And I got a little
surprise for him.
Does everyone know
what time it is?
It's time to dance and sing,
and have lots and lots of fun.
Hey there, boys and girls,
it's Dinosaur Rex...
your favorite prehistoric pal.
Now, where's the birthday boy?
- There.
- Yo, no, no.
- Happy birthday.
- Hey, yo.
Happy birthday, little buddy
I got a nasty hangover...
and a rock stuck in my gut...
that got my colon backed
up like rush-hour traffic.
Now, either you're gonna stop
with your fruity kid songs...
or I'm gonna kick you right
in your furry balls.
- All right?
- Well...
maybe we should
talk about manners.
Now, manners are very important.
When I was a tiny lizard, my mom told
me that if I had good manners...
one day I could grow up to be
president of the whole United States.
But instead, you entertain
snotty-nosed kids...
in a crusty, blue
dinosaur suit...
that smell like sweaty
armpits and baby urine.
Far cry from president, buddy.
I iust got out of rehab.
Because of the new
"deadbeat dad" law...
my wife's garnishing 85
percent of my dinosaur wages.
So if I weren't afraid to lose
this iob, I'd kick your ass.
Oh, you so pathetic you need
$4.50 an hour that bad?
Come on, get your ass kicked.
- Bring it on.
- Come on. Come on, then.
- Hey.
- Oh, you mine now. You mine.
Get him, get him, get him.
You little bastard.
That was a cheap shot.
- You stink.
- I hate your show.
It has been confirmed, the
driver of the stolen vehicle...
matches the description of the
suspect in Friday's diamond heist.
- Police are looking to question...
- I knew it.
Calvin "Baby Face" Sims.
Sims, who was recently released from
state prison, has thus far eluded-
Hey, guys, what do you say
we liven this party up?
We have a little
father-son football game.
Football? Greg, I don't know. I
don't think that's a good idea.
Nicholas is a little young
and small for football.
How about Simon Says instead?
You know, Richard, your son
practically squats to pee.
Come on, man. Look, we gotta
scar these kids for life.
All right? We gotta
toughen them up a bit.
You don't-
- Come on.
- Come on.
Darryl, you in, or does
Calvin have ballet class?
I'm down.
- All right.
- All right, let's do it.
Football? That's not in the books.
I've read all the books.
Yeah, you're wetting yourself here.
Go play football.
- You sure?
- Rich, let's go.
- It's 7-O already.
- All right. I'm playing football.
Take off the sli-Oh, my God.
Whoa, here we go.
P- U-T-I-T-I-N Put it in.
P- U-T-I-T-I-N Put it in.
You and me, this is father-son stuff.
Right here, huh? Here we go.
- Ready, set...
- I love you, baby.
Hike.
One Victoria's Secret. Two-
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
You want the hospital
or the graveyard, punk?
Yeah.
- Here we go.
- Are you okay?
- I thought this was a touch game.
- You have his license number?
- What is he doing?
- Sorry, D, did I hurt your vagina?
Our team is what? Dynamite
Our team is what? Dynamite.
- What's going on?
- Our team is.
Dynamite.
Break.
Run, Dad.
Nicholas, are you okay?
Game on.
- Just stay down, son.
- Thattaboy. You did it.
Now, that's why we put
creatine in our corn flakes.
- You okay?
- Punch him, kick him.
Stick him in the eye.
Here we go, here we go.
All right, here we go.
Come on, boys.
- Yeah.
- Your husband is a brute.
- That's right.
- Yo, Greg, man.
You should be ashamed
of yourself!
Hey, what are you doing, Greg?
Man, he's a kid.
Hey, Darryl, Darryl.
Shut your pie-hole, man!
- It's football. It's football.
- I know.
- Stop acting like a bitch.
- Why you starting, man?
Come on, let's go. Man, come on.
You guys suck.
It's time to kick some butt.
Come on.
Ready, set, hike.
- I got him.
- Nicholas, block left. Come on.
- Tommy.
- How do you like them apples?
- Get him.
- Yeah, come on.
- Yeah.
- Yes. Yes.
Tommy, what's going on?
You call that a tackle?
Told you, you gotta
stay in the zone.
You gotta eat some lightning
and crap thunder, son.
You wanna get up? Come on.
Come on. Come on.
- Come on. Come on, man.
- Shut up, Darryl. It's my son.
All right, it's do-or-die time.
Last point wins.
Nicholas, you ready?
Purple Haze. Purple Haze 15.
Ready, set, hike.
Follow me.
- Go, Nicholas. Go, Nicholas.
- Come on, come on.
- Bring it on.
- Go. Go.
- Go. Oh, my goodness.
- Come on, get up.
Go, Nicholas. Go, Nicholas.
Go, Nicholas.
- Come on.
- Tommy, hurry.
This team is dynamite
We're dynamite.
- That's my son.
- That is my boy. That is my boy.
You did it, son. You
crapped thunder.
Nine months inside. Yes.
Dad, Dad.
- Yeah, son?
- You suck.
Son, Dad hurt his pee-pee.
- Get up, you pussy.
- I can't.
All right, everybody, here she comes.
Everybody, on three.
One, two, three.
They trying to punk me.
All these people trying
to make a fool out of me.
Trying to make me cry.
I didn't cry when I went to prison,
and I ain't gonna cry now.
I don't care if I never had a
mother who threw me a party.
Today is my birthday and
I'm gonna smile, damn it.
I wish I had a family.
Well done, baby.
What is this, Dad?
I got a gift for the kid. I know
I've been a little tough on him.
But it ain't easy when I've been
the center of all the attention...
and all of a sudden, a kid
walk in the house. A baby.
I want you to know now, from
now on, I'm here to help.
Now, Calvin, make a wish.
And I hope all of your
wishes come true.
Oh, great, you're here.
The bouncy's in the back.
Just go around the side.
No, I'm here to get my son.
Little dude. Little man.
- Son?
- That's right.
I didn't think I could do it, but
I got myself together, baby.
So if you iust give me the boy,
we're gonna slide out of here.
So you're the guy who left
his baby on my doorstep...
- ...in a dog basket?
- That's right, but that was a mistake.
The guy who gave his
own kid a tattoo?
Wait. I can explain that. His
mother was in the service.
The person responsible for allowing his
baby boy to take a knife in the gut?
Wait. The boy needed discipline.
- You should be castrated.
- What?
Ain't nothing wrong
with my bowel movement.
I go two, three times a day.
Let me tell you something.
I ain't got to explain nothing.
I'm a grown-
You iust caught yourself the
official Brooklyn beat-down, homes.
You iust entered the
dragon, homeboy.
Word up. I'm gonna tap you
right on your Flintstone.
Here it come, homeboy. Here
it come, homeboy. Here it-
Who is Mike Jones?
Get the hell out of here.
And don't come back.
I want my mother.
Looks like Percy's partner decided
to keep the rock for himself.
- Better go tell Mr. Walken.
- Yeah.
There you go. Good.
- Come on.
- Honestly, Janet...
I don't know how you do it.
- What's that, sweetie?
- All of this.
The parenting, the
responsibility.
It's really no different
than any other career.
I mean, you have scheduling, you have planning.
Budgeting, of course.
I guess the big difference
is that my boss...
I want to slather in
kisses all day long.
And I can, without being
sued for sexual harassment.
And you don't miss
the iob at all?
You know, sometimes I
think I miss it...
but then I remember all they
really liked about me...
was the money that
I made for them.
You know? I mean, this... This is real.
These guys dig me.
I am a diva, a giant, a goddess.
I'm perfect. Aren't I perfect?
Mommy, I don't feel good.
What's the matter, honey?
You got a tummy ache?
Yeah? Think maybe it's from
eating 16 pieces of cake...
and beef ierky...
and a balloon? Yeah.
- Is he gonna be okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just a little teaspoon of this-
It is magic.
And he will poop very shortly.
It'll slide right out.
Good boy.
Well, maybe you
should take him home.
Yes, maybe we shall.
- You wanna go home?
- And you too. Yeah.
Oh, goodness, what do
you feed this kid?
What do I feed you?
- All right. I'll see you soon?
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- See you later. Come on, hon.
Such a good boy,
helping your mom.
Oh, sweetie. Wha-?
Oh, honey, what's wrong?
Sweetie?
- Hey, little man, what's the matter?
- I don't think he's feeling well.
Are you okay?
What's the matter, you
gotta make a poo-poos?
You gotta make a poo-poo. He gotta
make a little poo-poo, yeah.
God.
What's going on, man, huh?
Ain't that cute. He made
a little surprise...
for Mommy.
- Mom-? For me?
- Go ahead.
- Mommy take care.
- Darryl, why me? I did it last time.
Wash your hands before
you make dinner.
Come on, Calvin.
Come on.
Man, what a day.
- I can't believe you did this.
- Did what?
- This. Darryl, it's so beautiful.
- I did-I-
It's so romantic, the way
you put it in his diaper.
Then you made me change him even
though I didn't want to. Oh, so-
- No, but, honey-
- We should go out and celebrate.
- Somewhere nice? I'll change.
- Wait.
Thank you, baby. I love
it, I love it, I love it.
- I love it, I love it, I love it.
- I gotta talk to you.
- Baby, come here.
- Damn.
Are you sure you guys
are gonna be okay?
- We'll be fine, won't we, little boy?
- I love Papa.
- All right. Bye.
- Okay.
Y'all have a good time, now.
I know we will.
Bye-bye.
We going to have a good time. He's a
nice little boy too. Yes, indeedy.
He's a cute little boy too.
Look at the little baby.
Yeah, he's a good little boy.
One, two, three.
Now, you come clean, you little punk.
Who are you?
Where you from? What you all about?
What is all this?
Look here, old man. You been
a real pain in my butt.
And you're right, I did
rob that jewelry store.
And now there's some real
bad people after me.
And the people you love
are gonna get hurt...
if I don't get that diamond.
And I don't want that to happen, so
you better just stay out of my way.
Hey, yo, Percy, it's me.
Be here in a hour.
- I'll have the diamond then.
- How can you do this to us?
We took you in, thought
you were a child in need.
- You turn out to be a lowlife thief.
- Look, I didn't mean for it to go this far.
I was iust trying to get
my diamond and be out.
- You ain't getting away with it.
- Then it's time to dance. Come on.
- Baby, I-
- Sweetheart...
this means so much to me.
I know it's not real.
Look at the size of this.
There's no way you could
afford that, but...
Well, it's what the ring symbolizes
that makes it so special to me.
- Yeah, about that, baby. I didn't-
- Please. Let me finish.
Please. I know that you are not
the one who isn't ready. It's me.
I have always needed for
everything to fit my schedule.
And you have shown me that sometimes
life doesn't work that way.
It's unpredictable, and sometimes
you have to go with the flow and...
I'll never be ready
until it just happens.
- Vanessa, I iust wanna tell you-
- I think that we should just do it.
Do what?
Let's adopt him.
Tomorrow let's take the
baby to Child Services...
and start the paperwork.
You mean we can keep him?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
So, what did you wanna tell me?
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Let's-Let's toast.
Okay.
You don't mess with
a man from Detroit.
I'm from Detroit.
The hell you doing?
- What's going on?
- Daddy, get off of him.
- Get off of the baby.
- Stop it.
Ain't no baby.
That's a criminal.
I have had it with you. I'm
calling Whispering Glen.
Vanessa, I ain't crazy.
You see, I know what is
and I know what ain't is.
And he ain't is
what he say he is.
You see, "is" is and
"ain'ts" ain't.
Check the teddy bear.
The teddy bear.
Teddy bear knows.
- Come on, then. Please.
- We'll take good care of your father.
Whispering Glen is
a safe facility.
Give him a couple of
days to adjust...
- Let me go.
- ... and then come visit.
Vanessa, believe me.
"Is" is, "ain'ts" ain't.
Use the Taser if you have to.
Check the teddy bear.
The teddy bear.
I'm gonna go put him to bed.
Yeah.
Man.
How does one child turn a household
upside down in a weekend?
Look at this place. It's a mess.
Check the teddy bear.
The teddy bear.
Teddy bear knows.
Grandpa bad.
No. No, baby. No, no, no.
Papa's not bad. He didn't
mean to hurt you. He just-
He's a little... Yeah.
Wow, look here, old man. You've
been a real pain in the butt.
And you're right, I did
rob that jewelry store.
And now there's a lot
of bad people aer me.
People you love are
gonna get hurt...
if I don't get the diamond back.
Vanessa.
Vanessa.
- Where's Calvin?
- I put him in the cr-
- Where's the diamond?
- It was-
- Gone.
- Damn. Pops was right.
- I'm calling the police.
- I'm gonna get my dad.
Dad!
Yes, I have some information
on a stolen diamond.
That's what I'm talking about.
We did it. We rich, baby.
- Yes. Just in the nick of time.
- We blinging.
Walken and his goons is
going to that house.
- What?
- Don't worry.
He thinks Darryl's my partner.
You idiot. Walken will kill him
if he don't have his diamond.
Exactly. Which means he
won't be coming after you.
It's perfect. We get
away scot-free.
This is the time
you hit me, right?
Let me pull over.
Don't start beating me like
I'm a R & B singer, man.
Police is here. Hey.
Hey. Can I help you?
Is this the guy that
double-crossed Percy?
Yeah, that's the guy, boss.
I don't know anybody named Percy.
You must got the wrong guy.
- Cut the crap. I want my diamond.
- I don't have it.
Too bad. I guess we're gonna
have to beat it out of you.
I iust called the police. And
they're on their way over here.
Really? That doesn't
leave us much time then.
- Take him.
- Wait, wait, wait. Wait, guys.
Dada?
Dada.
Who's this little guy?
That's my son.
Take him upstairs.
- I wanna talk to you.
- Cute kid.
It's-Just-I don't have-Listen.
That's my nipple.
Time to take a nap.
Night-night?
And don't worry about any loud
noises you may hear downstairs.
It's iust us beating
up your daddy.
Here you are.
Nighty-night.
Click.
Now tell me, where's my diamond?
I told you, I don't have it.
You don't tell me where
my diamond is...
that cute little baby of
yours is gonna get hurt.
Moron, get the kid. Get the kid.
I want him.
There you are, little buddy.
Come on.
Come to Uncle Rosco.
Okay. Play nicey-nicey.
Okay, get your ass up.
Yeah, get up. I got you now.
Yeah. Yeah.
Ain't so tough now, are you?
Back up. Or I'll shoot you.
Shoot me, tough guy. Come on.
Oh, boy.
I'm surrounded by morons.
Here. You dropped your gun, sir.
Here you go. It's all yours.
- What are you gonna do?
- Wait, wait, I-
Come on, get out of here.
Come on.
All right, dude.
You busted my Sergio da Vincis,
$62.50 designer frames.
Not cool. Not cool.
Okay, buddy.
We can either do this the
easy way or the hard way.
I think I like it the hard way.
Did we get him?
He's yours, man.
Dude...
you iust woke the dragon up.
Prepare for pain.
It's time for the dragon
to go back to sleep.
What are you doing?
- Stop.
- You going down, Sasquatch.
Better not.
What the hell is going on here?
That ain't no baby.
- Who else is here?
- Nobody.
- Who's here?
- Nobody, I swear.
Come on.
Inside. Inside.
There's the little monster.
Listen, what does he got there?
- It's an airplane.
- Tell him to get rid of the plane.
Get rid of it.
Calvin, throw the plane.
What are you doing?
Don't move.
Save it, tough guy.
You're not gonna shoot me.
But I will.
Freeze! Police!
Freeze! Police!
I got this. You check the house.
Black cops, come with me.
White lady, you stay here.
I'm telling you, guys,
that ain't no baby.
He's the mastermind
behind the whole thing.
Get him out of here.
He's a stone-cold
killer, that kid.
Would you get this thing off me?
Relax. Where you're going, you
might want to keep that on.
I don't wanna go to iail.
It's too dark. There's no TV.
Hey, where you
going, little guy?
Ain't this your kid?
Dada?
Yeah, that's my son.
Now, Calvin...
don't you have something
for the nice policeman?
- No.
- Come on.
You don't wanna go to prison with
the rest of the bad men, do you?
There we go.
Hey, the diamond.
Thanks, kid. Now your dad's
gonna get a big reward.
- A reward?
- Yeah, the insurance company...
offered $ 1 OO, OOO to
whoever found the diamond.
A hundred thousand dollars?
God, that's gonna come in handy.
Shoot, I could get
my car fixed...
get a new wedding
ring for my wife...
I could take a vacation,
buy a TV set-
And if there's any
change left over...
I'll give a little
something to my son.
Right. Well, we'll be in touch.
So...
Oh, come on. Let's not get
all mushy about this.
Let's iust shake hands
and part ways like men.
All right? No hard feelings?
- Nah, no hard feelings.
- All right.
Besides, it was kind of cool
having a son for a minute.
See? There you go with all
that sentimental stuff.
If that's the game
you wanna play...
I guess it was cool
having you as a fa-
Oh, boy.
What I'm trying to say is,
I've never really had a daddy.
I guess what I'm saying is...
you're gonna make a great
father, all right?
There, I said it.
Are you happy now?
Now, I'm gonna walk
out that back door...
and you ain't gonna see me no more.
Ever.
- But-
- Oh, it hurts.
- We-
- I know.
We'll never see
each other again.
- But we-
- Maybe that's for the best.
You'll start a family...
and you won't need a
lowlife criminal like...
Calvin Sims around anymore.
Actually what I was gonna say
is, we don't have a back door.
Okay, well, then I'll
go out the front.
- Fine.
- Well...
I'll be out of your lives for
good, never to return again.
Cool.
So long.
Farewell. Oh, God.
Aren't you gonna miss me?
Just a little bit?
- See you around, buddy.
- No?
Take care.
Goodbye.
It's so hard to say goodbye.
Why?
Nobody loves Calvin.
Because I'm short.
- They think I'm ugly.
- Hey, little man.
Wanna share a glass of milk?
Enough of all this girlie stuff.
This ain't Brokeback Mountain.
Hey, how about we put a little
bit of liquor in that milk?
Forget that. Let's go to a bar.
All right. Bet.
- Are you over 21?
- And then some.
All right.
Hey, I know this
great strip club.
Don't say that loud.
My wife might get mad.
- Oh, sorry.
- Got change of a hundred?
- No, we steal it from Pops.
- All right. All singles.
You a cute little fellow.
Yes, you are.
Take after your mama. You got a
lot of grandpoppy in you too.
Yes, you do, little boy.
Look at the little boy.
Where's the bottle?
The kid is starving.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Old grouch.
Here he comes, little boy.
Don't worry. We gonna get
you some milk. Yeah.
That little guy's so cute...
it's making me go soft.
He look iust like his daddy.
Howdy-do, little boy.
So...
Oh, come on. Let's not get
all mushy about this.
Let's iust shake hands
and part ways like men.
All right? No hard feelings?
There, I said it.
Are you happy now?
Now, I'm gonna walk
out that back door...
and you ain't gonna see me no more.
Ever.
three, three.
Yo, what comes after three?
Four. Four comes after three.
- I don't hear you counting.
- Four.
Four.
- Five.
- Five.
- Six.
- Six. Faster.
- Seven, eight.
- Sims. Sims!
You're going home.
I'll see you around,
sweet mouth.
Inmate on deck.
- He'll be back.
- What's up, baby?
See you around, big man.
Gate open.
Where the hell is this guy?
Cal. Cal.
- What an idiot.
- Let me pop this door for my man.
My main man, just getting
home from prison.
- Percy.
- I'm sorry, Cal.
You stupid?
All right, wait. Hold up. So
they want us to steal a diamond?
- How much your man Walken paying?
- Dig this. A hundred G's.
A hundred G's?
- That's good loot.
- Enough to get my label started.
Let me give you a taste
of my first single.
- It's fire.
- Yeah.
Never been shot before...
but I've been beat about the skull
and the neck area with a crowbar.
Check the lyrics,
check the lyrics.
I'll take you to
the butcher shop.
Let you lick a big pork chop.
Girl, I know you like ham hocks.
If you're Jewish, I
even got lox Hey! Hey!
Yo, camel-mouth.
- That's 50 Cent.
- Cal, that's not 50 Cent.
He talk about candy.
I'm talking about meat.
That's a whole other level.
P-Unit.
You better off stuffing
your money in a mattress.
Yeah. I bet you gonna
mess your money up...
on booze and cheap hookers.
- So?
- What you need to do...
is iust find you a nice
girl and settle down, Cal.
Come on, P, you know
that ain't happening.
I mean, you being
all short and all.
Let me tell you
something about love.
I never had it. I don't want it.
I don't need it. All right?
You ain't gotta keep hitting me, Calvin.
I'm not your child.
How am I gonna be a hard-core rapper
if you keep putting your hands on me?
Don't push me Because
I'm close to the edge.
Check this out. You hang in the
back until Vanessa gets here.
When I give a signal,
you come out.
That's cool. I got you.
Hey, Jimmy, please, man. This
is the biggest day of my life.
- It's gotta go off right, okay?
- Baby, what'd I tell you? I got you.
And can I say something?
- Congratulations, man.
- Thank you.
You done stepped up to the plate.
Give me a hug, homeboy.
Oh, man, you done
did it, you know.
Hey, man, you ain't
had to do this.
You know, the valet tripping.
- Made me park around the corner.
- Jimmy, get-Beat it.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Get on it.
- Hi.
- Hey, beautiful.
So I'm so glad that you got
out of work to be here.
You think I wouldn't take off work?
And miss this? Are you crazy?
Look at you, beautiful.
- You are glowing. My God.
- Thank you.
It feels like it was
iust yesterday...
sitting in this same restaurant,
when I asked you to marry me.
I'm still working on that diamond.
I didn't forget the diamond.
I know, baby. You are the sweetest,
most supportive man on the planet.
Can I talk now?
- I'm sorry. Go ahead.
- Okay.
So you know what I've been
waiting all week to find out.
Yes. Yep.
- Well, I got the news...
- Yeah.
- ...and I'm-
- Pregnant. Yes! Yes!
- Having my baby.
- Oh, no.
- Is so important to me.
- No. No, no.
- Darryl. Darryl.
- Baby.
- There's nothing more special.
- Darryl-No, honey, I'm not pregnant.
- I'm not pregnant.
- Than to raise a family.
- Excuse me, sir. Sir. Sir.
- I thought that you-
- Hey.
- And-
- Sir.
- Jimmy.
- And-
- Sir!
No. Stop. No.
I'm not pregnant.
- No?
- No.
You're not pregnant?
Baby, but you was nauseous and
throwing up all over the place.
Well, I was very nervous.
Baby, what are we doing here?
Darryl...
I got the promotion.
And we're movin' on
up To the east side
Jimmy.
They'll be movin' on up To
that apartment in the sky.
- I'm gonna hurt him.
- Hey. Hey, Jimmy. Jimmy, stop.
- Man-Man, you ain't got to do this.
- Hey...
- Okay, then. All right.
- Beat it.
Congratulations. I'm
really proud of you.
But?
But I thought we was
gonna start a family.
We will, baby.
You know, with this promotion,
everything's on track now.
In a couple of years I'll be senior V.P.,
and I can take time off to have a child.
A couple of years? I
don't wanna wait years.
Darryl, you know, having a
baby changes everything.
Hey, I'm willing to
do whatever it takes.
So no more late-night
poker with the guys.
Cool.
No more...
afternoon quickies.
Stop right there. We haven't
had a afternoon quickie...
since your father moved in.
That is not fair. My dad is getting old.
Sometimes he forgets things.
I don't feel comfortable
with him living by himself.
What about Whispering Glen?
That place looked like a country
club inside the brochure.
They got Viagra
vending machines.
You listen to me.
Until he is a danger to himself
or others, he is staying with us.
Now...
can we celebrate?
Celebration, come on We
gonna celebrate tonight.
Come on, come on, let's celebrate
Let's not have a fight.
And I'm not talking tonight.
Remix! Now just you ladies.
Celebrate, celebrate
Celebrate, celebrate.
Hey, oblivious.
What are you doing?
Getting ready to rob a
iewelry store, Calvin.
I'm going straight Jesse James.
Percy, put the gun away. Guns is
how you wind up back in prison.
I'm telling you, I ain't going back to jail.
You understand?
Now put the gun away.
Why you gotta keep
hitting me, Cal?
Sometimes I gotta slap some
sense into you, Percy.
Come on. Give me a hand.
Now, would you
trust the big man?
I got a plan, yo.
Now, this stone is a
- VVS2, nearly flawless.
- It's been a pleasure, sir.
Just be cool, Cal.
I'm telling you.
Oh, there she go. There's-
Go ahead. Do your thing, Cal.
Pardon me for iust a moment.
- Do your thing.
- Yes? May I help you?
Percy. CEO and A&R
of P-Unit Records.
Here to pick up iewelry
for one of my artists.
Well, holler at your girl.
Step this way, Percy P.
I like the way you
said my name just now.
Can I sit down?
She's sitting down.
Of course you may. Would you
like some gin and juice?
Well, I'm gonna show you some
shiznit right about now.
Yes. Come to daddy.
Now that's what I'm
talking about, baby.
So, what can I get for
you today, Percy P.?
All of the above.
I'll send one of my assistants
from P-Unit Records...
to pick everything up.
Just tell him to pull up to my bumper,
and I'll throw that junk in his trunk.
Word?
Let me get up out of here.
I gotta bounce.
I got some people meeting me
down there, and I gotta...
So I'm gonna leave, you know?
- Okay? See you later, all right? Peace.
- Peace.
Be cool. What's
going on in there?
Has anyone seen my dog?
Hi, puppy.
He stole my dog.
Holy crap.
The Queen's diamond. It's gone.
Relax. We almost there, man.
We about to be paid, man.
I need the police. Yes,
there's been a robbery.
We did it. Modern-day Butch
Cassidy and Sundance.
Come back here with my dog.
- Get out of here, mutt.
- You just tossed a Chihuahua.
- Come on, let's get out of here.
- Gotcha that. We are gone.
Come on, Percy.
- Oh, man.
- This ain't time to be doing doughnuts.
I can't believe this, man.
Damn it, Percy.
You got a boot on the car, and you
about to get one in your butt.
- She finally got me.
- Who?
Nettie, down at Motor Vehicles.
Said I got her pregnant.
I went to family court.
I had all my receipts.
I'm out.
- Hey, yo, Percy. You forgot something.
- What?
Me!
- Come on!
- Sorry, Cal.
- They went that way.
- What'd he look like?
- Black.
- I got him.
- Dark or light?
- Medium.
Suspect is escaping on foot.
African-American male.
About 5'1 O", not real dark,
more of a mocha-caramel color.
What? You shot?
Sweet beiesus. My muscle,
I think I pulled it.
Quick. In here.
Yo, quick, put me down.
We gotta split up.
Okay.
It's late because of the stress,
not because I'm pregnant.
Please, don't even say words like "stress.
" It's not good for the baby.
Darryl, there is no baby.
- Aisle two.
- Well, why didn't you just say that?
- Okay, let's go.
- Okay, fine. Just humor me, okay?
- Okay, let's go.
- Okay.
- Enough.
- Okay, okay.
I got one!
- Come on, man.
- Do not resist. Do not resist.
- I'm not resisting.
- Wilson. Wilson. Wilson.
Come on. It's not our guy.
What? You said African-American.
Yeah, but I said a
mocha-caramel color.
He's like a Starbucks black
decaf, maybe a little cream.
- It's not our guy. Sorry about that.
- Come on, man.
- You sure?
- Yeah. He's okay.
- Wilson!
- Well, he looked mocha to me.
- Thank you.
- What?
He looked real shady. He gonna do
something else, and I'll be waiting.
- You still got the diamond?
- No.
- I had to ditch it.
- Where?
In her bag.
Calvin, now what?
We go get it.
Let's go. Come on.
Follow that car.
Yo, there they are.
- There is no baby.
- There is.
- Honey, there is no baby.
- Well, there will be.
Let's go.
Daddy, we're home.
- There's my baby girl.
- Hi, Daddy.
Who's the best daddy in
the whole, wide world?
- I am.
- I know you can do better than that.
Who's the best daddy in
the whole, wide world?
- I am.
- I can't hear you.
I'm the best daddy in
the whole, wide world!
So, what's the good news?
Dad...
I got the promotion.
Congratulations. Soon you'll make
enough money to leave that bum.
Oh, Dad, he's not a bum.
No? What kind of man gives
the woman he loves...
a wedding ring with no diamond?
Hey, as soon as I make enough
money, I'm gonna buy her a diamond.
And I'm going to do the nasty
with Jennifer Lopez...
while Halle Berry
tickle my butt.
You know, for a moment I thought
you were gonna tell me...
you were gonna let this
one impregnate you.
But I see now, this man ain't
got no bullets in the chamber.
What's that supposed to mean?
You heard me. You're
shooting blanks.
- Cooking with a wet noodle.
- What?
Can't hoist the mainsail.
My sperm have fallen
and it can't get up.
I'll have you know, I
hit that every night.
Hey, that's my daughter
you talking about.
- Back up, old man.
- Okay, okay. Stop. Stop. Please.
Gentlemen.
Dad, we are going to have a
baby when the time is right.
Play nice.
It's still in the bag.
Still in the bag. Let's
go get the rock.
Yo, Percy, how many times I
gotta tell you? No guns.
What we gonna do?
Walken is gonna kill us if we
don't give him the diamond.
Then I guess we gotta
find a way to sneak in.
Well, they did say
they wanted a baby.
No. No.
No. I ain't dressing
up like no baby.
Keep still, Cal. You heavy.
You gonna make me drop you.
You drop me and I'm
gonna drop you.
Now, look, you stay close.
I'm gonna go in, I'm gonna get
the diamond, and I'm out.
If you don't mind me saying, Cal,
you make a cute little baby.
I'm out.
You couldn't find nothing
better than a dog basket?
You iust be cool. I told you,
this gonna be great, Cal.
Just hold tight.
Everything gonna be fine.
I'm gonna be over
here in the bushes.
Move, dog.
Get out of here. I'll
make a coat out of you.
Get out of here before I
feed you some chocolate.
Get out of here, you fleabag.
- Go.
- Get out of here.
Wait, hold-Wait. Muttley, wait.
No, no.
Honey.
- Yeah?
- Come here.
- What is it, Darryl?
- Look.
Oh, my God.
It's a baby.
I know. And here's a note too.
"Plez luk tafter Kalvin.
We wuzn't abele to keap em."
Poor guy. His parents
must've been retarded.
Well, let's get him inside.
- It's cold out here.
- Okay, okay. All right.
Come on, little guy.
- Yes.
- I got you.
Oh, damn.
- What in the hell is that?
- I don't know.
Man.
Dad, we found a baby
on the doorstep.
- What? What is it? A boy or girl?
- Dada.
I think it's a boy.
Well, whatever it is,
it smell like piss.
Yeah. I think Janet may have
left diapers here. Let's look.
Doesn't your dad have
some diapers upstairs?
I heard that. I don't wear diapers.
Who you talking about?
Haven't worn a diaper in years.
I think she put them in here.
What is it?
That ain't no baby.
That's a porn star.
What on girth is that?
I'm gonna call Child Services.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Do that.
Directory assistance.
Yes, can I have the number
for Child Services, please?
Connecting you.
Child Services is now
closed for the weekend.
We will re-open at 9 a.
M. Monday morning.
They're closed for the weekend.
The office doesn't open until
So, what do we do now?
I say, toss this creature back in the
Black Lagoon where it came from.
Daddy, stop it.
Maybe we should call the police.
- That doesn't sound good.
- No, we should take him to the doctor.
Get him checked out. Who knows
what he's been through?
- Okay?
- I'll go get the car keys.
- All right.
- Okay.
Now, when you get to the hospital,
don't stop. Don't stop.
Toss that monster out the
window and keep moving.
Hit the accelerator. I don't wanna
see that little ugly thing again.
Stinky little thing.
Was it a little cough?
- No.
- No.
No, this was like a
grown-man, smoker's cough.
Well, it's probably nothing.
Come on, let's get
his shirt off.
He's a strong little fella.
Oh, my God. What is that scar?
From the look of it, I'd say...
this little guy has had
his appendix removed.
Or he was in one hell
of a knife fight.
What kind of person
tattoos a child?
Oh, you'd be amazed. Come on.
Open up. Open up and say:
Come on. Come on. Come on.
- Wha-? What is it?
- I've never seen a...
baby with bridgework.
This child has the mouth
of a 40-year-old man.
I can't tell whether these teeth
are coming in or falling out.
Well, he's gonna be okay?
He's fine.
His tonsils are a little swollen
and he might have a bit of a cold.
As a precaution...
you should take his temperature
before you put him to bed.
- All right. Thank you, Dr. Murphy.
- Okay.
- Thank you very much.
- Bye.
This is iust-It's horrible.
Look at this child.
Let's turn him over
to the authorities.
They can find his parents
and prosecute them.
Are you crazy? We can't do that.
This kid's been
through the wringer.
Besides, his birth parents
are probably crackheads.
They're iust gonna
put them in rehab.
Then they'll be back on the street,
selling him for a bag of rocks.
What are you saying?
I'm saying, why don't
we just keep him?
- Just until Monday.
- No. No, Darryl.
- Just until-
- He's a child.
- I don't know what to do with a child.
- Just until Monday.
And then we'll take him
to Child Services.
They'll find a home for him.
Besides, who could take better
care of this child than us?
- Where is he?
- Oh, man.
Where do you think you're going?
Well, what do we got here?
- Is this your baby?
- Yes, thank you.
Well, actually...
- ...we found him-
- Mama.
He called me Mama.
There you go.
Thank you, officer. Thank you.
You know, Percy, I don't like
having to look for people.
Who, me? I wasn't hiding, Mr. W.
Not Percy. Not the Kid.
I was gonna come soon
as I got the diamond.
So you don't have
my diamond, huh?
No. I mean, I do.
I don't have it on me
now, but it's safe.
We got everything on lockdown.
Believe me. Trust me.
You trying to hustle me, Percy?
Hustle a hustler? Ain't
nothing happening, Mr. W.
It's iust that the robbery didn't
go as smooth as we wanted to.
And a situation had popped
up, so we had to split.
- But my partner, he-
- Your partner is not my problem.
My problem is I don't
have my diamond.
Now, I'm gonna
give you 24 hours.
After that, my problem becomes
Bruno and Rosco's problem.
And they...
become your problem.
You got a problem with that?
Ain't got no problem
with that, Mr. W.
I got it all under
control, I swear.
Don't want a smudge on it,
not a speck, nothing.
Not a smudge.
Okay, Mr. W.
Get him out of here.
- Get him out of here.
- Come on.
Ain't nothing better
than the evening news...
and my favorite,
milk and cookies.
Damn, I forgot my milk.
Jeez, man, you can't be
popping up like that.
For a moment I thought
you were Chucky.
About to put you in a chokehold.
What are you looking at?
A man who exposed himself to police
oflicers in a doughnut shop...
claimed that voices
made him do it.
Oh, honey, look how
comfortable he is with us.
He is so cute.
Oh, no, you don't.
No, you don't. No, no, no.
- Dad.
- Come on, Pop, let him sit there.
- Let him have a cookie.
- This is my throne, my sanctuary.
This is my air, my end zone.
- It's iust a cookie.
- Oh, it start with the cookie.
Then they want to come to dinner.
Then they want to move in.
Next thing you know, they're
married to your daughter.
- Why he got to bring it back here-
- Already made that mistake once.
- Come on, now.
- Honey.
No more, my brother.
Nobody makes a fool out of me.
I'm from Detroit.
- Everybody's here.
- I can't wait...
for everybody to
meet little Calvin.
- I'm so excited.
- Yeah, yeah.
Introduce him to everybody else, and
go over to somebody else's house.
Cookie got a little bite to it.
- Hi. Come in, come in, come in.
- Hello, hello, hello.
- Hello, hello.
- I'm so excited.
- Hey.
- Hello.
- Consuela, welcome. Come in.
- So where is the little one?
- Here's Calvin.
- Here's Calvin.
- What a mess.
- Honey, that's not nice.
He's scary.
Yeah, well, I mean...
- I mean, lucky he's not yours, right?
- Yeah.
I iust think he is precious. I think
he is a precious gift from God.
You know, God gives gifts.
Sometimes he wraps them in a hurry. Sometimes.
Isn't he a precious gift?
Oh, yeah. He's adorable...
in a National
Geographic sort of way.
What is he, a pygmy?
Consuela, why don't you
take the kids to go play?
Yes, good idea. Come on, guys.
Tommy, show Nicholas that
scissor-lock thing...
we've been working on, huh?
Hey, little man. No
hard feelings, right?
Give me five.
Hey, guess what, Calvin?
We brought you some stuff.
We got you some stuff. We got
a box full of bottles, bibs.
Oh, and all of the Dinosaurus Rex
tapes you could possibly want.
Well, thank you.
That's a lot of stuff.
He is so cute. I got your nose.
Yes, I do. Yes, I do.
Oh, you got my nose.
You got my nose. Yes, you do.
He's got my nose. He's got my nose.
He's hurting-
Darryl, he's hurting me.
- He's hurting me.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Wow, is he strong.
Yeah, tell me about it. I
still can't feel my hand.
Okay, Darryl, I think you
should take the crib upstairs.
- Yes.
- Ladies, will you help with this stuff?
Okay.
- Guys, help me grab this.
- I'll get this box.
Let's go into the kitchen.
Come, Calvin.
- Come on, baby.
- Come on, little pumpkin-butt.
Janet, this fits perfectly.
- Thank you.
- Let me see.
I'm glad I kept it.
Can't remember the last time I
could wear horizontal stripes.
But, you know, here I go again.
How about you, woman of the hour?
- Congratulations on the promotion.
- Oh, thank you.
It's awesome. Was Darryl
so excited or what?
No, actually. He
was disappointed.
Baby up-up.
He thought I was going to
tell him I was pregnant.
Okay, right.
Little Ms. Corporate-Climber
pregnant?
What? You guys. I want to
have a baby at some point.
You could schedule one between a
conference call and a client meeting.
Okay, you know, Darryl is the one
that I'm really worried about.
Are you kidding me? You're
lucky he wants one at all.
I had to promise Greg
I'd give him these.
Okay, now. Okay, easy, fella.
This one's real grabby. He
must have been breast-fed.
Is the baby hungry?
He should be nursed.
Baby like nursey-nursey.
Well, are you sure
you should do that?
Yeah. You don't have to be the
birth mother to breast-feed.
- Nursey-nursey?
- You want to nursey?
Okay.
All right.
- Drink up, precious.
- This one's real wriggly, huh?
Come on. Come on, now. Suck it.
Latch-Oh, that is not okay.
Let's get these kids home.
I have to take Nicholas and
Chrissy to Mommy and Me tomorrow.
Oh, have fun.
Don't worry about the nose.
He's adorable.
- Thanks for all the stuff.
- Call if you need anything.
- Bye, good night.
- Good night.
If you change your mind about
Consuela, you can take her.
- Oh, thanks.
- I've got, like, all the chores.
One for you...
and one for the baby.
He's a little charmer, isn't he?
Call me.
I could have sworn he iust
stuck his tongue in my mouth.
- Well, I-That was-I thought-
- That went well.
- Yeah.
- I thought they thought he was cute.
Great. You're wonder-Oh,
Calvin, you did so good.
- Come on. Yeah.
- You did so well.
If that lady touches you in a way
that makes you uncomfortable...
you let us know, okay?
- Yeah. You're the charmer.
- Yeah.
Does that warm water feel good?
Does it feel nice?
Yeah. Look at you.
Do you want some company
in there with you?
I think we can work that out.
Yeah? Yeah?
Hey, Darryl?
Hello. It's bath time.
Come on, let's get clean.
We gonna clean your little butt-butt.
Yes, we are.
And then we gonna play
Snatch the Marbles.
We're gonna fart in the tub...
and make our own little
Jacuzzi bubbles.
Oh, the little baby. Yes,
you're so clean now.
You're so nice and clean.
Hey. Okay-Calvin.
Okay, Calvin.
Okay. Hey, Darryl?
- All right, sweetie.
- Hello, little boy.
Hi, cutie.
Now it's time to get you
all dressed for bed, huh?
Don't forget the doctor said we
need to take his temperature.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Open up wide.
- Darryl, what are you doing?
- I'm taking his temperature.
Sweetie, he's a baby, so
that's a rectal thermometer.
Yeah. Go ahead.
- You're such a-
- Okay, baby.
All right. Here we go. There we-
- Oh, shit.
- Darryl, what are you doing?
Darryl, come on. Darryl, iust-
- I'm trying to-
- Honey.
It's okay, Calvin. It's okay.
- If he'll iust roll over here.
- Okay, good, good.
- I could get him down like-
- No, no.
- Wait, be gentle. Calvin, it's okay.
- He's a little strong.
Okay, all right. Nobody
likes this, I know.
I know, nobody-Nobody
likes this.
It's okay. It's okay. Oh, yeah.
There we go, son.
- Here comes the choo-choo train.
- You're okay, baby. Oh, yeah.
It's in the tunnel, son.
It's almost at your stop.
There you go, little man.
Now, this is gonna
put you to sleep.
All right, little buddy.
Good night, baby.
Like this thing's gonna
put somebody to sleep.
I'm gonna wait for
you to go to sleep.
I'm gonna get my
diamond and be out.
Come on, baby, be in here.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, where you at?
Where you at?
There we go.
Hi, beautiful. Yes.
Man, this idiot better
pick up the phone.
People calling here
all kind of time.
Like people don't live here. I mean,
you can't be calling nobody house...
P- Unit Productions, in association
with Go Get a Girl Entertainment.
- Hey, yo, Percy. It's me.
- Calvin?
- What's going on?
- I need you to come pick me up.
- Now, look, I got the dia-
- Reach for the sky.
Who you talking to, sonny boy?
Oh, don't give me that old...
crap.
Hand me that damn phone.
- Who is this?
- Me no speak no English.
Wrong number. Sorry.
Who the hell's "No speak the English"?
Who the hell is this?
- Say something.
- What are you doing?
I heard some noises,
came downstairs...
and caught this little
hoodlum on the phone.
- Must've looked for the safe.
- We don't have a safe.
- He didn't know that.
- Dada.
Pop, man. He's a baby.
It's his first night in a new house.
Probably couldn't sleep.
Look at you. You look crazy, man.
Holding a shotgun, wearing red socks.
You look like Fred Sanford on crack.
Put that away, man. Go to bed.
Oh, you are good.
You are real good.
I'm gonna keep my eye on you.
You gonna give me the finger?
Where did you learn that, huh?
BET videos fter Dark?
Him scary.
There we go.
Don't pay him any mind.
He just a old, crazy man.
I know iust what to fix you so you
can have a good night's sleep.
Go. Boy, you must have
had a rough first night.
That's because I'm new
at this dad stuff.
Give me a minute,
I'll get it together.
Man, can't imagine what kind
of life you must have had.
I'll tell you this:
This weekend is gonna be the
best weekend of your life.
You know why?
Because I'm gonna show you how
great it is to have a dad...
and you're gonna show me how
great it is to be a dad.
Vanessa don't think I can do
it, but I know I got it in me.
You know why? Because I would
never abandon my child.
Ever. I'll always
be there for him.
And there'll never be a time
when my son can't come to me...
and talk to me about
anything in the world...
over a nice, warm cup of milk.
What's so funny? What
are you all giggly for?
You're drinking
Janet's breast milk.
Baby, you did the right thing, letting
him stay with us this weekend.
Thank you.
But you know, I still can't wait
for us to have one of our own.
- Yes, I know.
- All right.
You wanna know the nice thing
about you not being pregnant?
What?
We get to keep trying.
Honey? What about the baby?
He's asleep, don't worry about him.
You've got me.
But, honey...
he's watching.
He's too young to know what's going on.
Forget him.
Okay.
Okay.
Good morning.
More like, great morning.
Looks like someone had a really
good night's sleep last night.
Who could sleep?
- You were an animal last night.
- Oh, well, you know-
I don't remember the last time
we did it twice in one night.
Twice?
Hey, when did he get in the bed?
I don't know. I don't know how
he gets out of that crib.
He's such a crafty little fella.
You want some breakfast?
Some more ass.
Twice?
- How's my baby girl this morning?
- So good, Dad.
- How are you?
- Mighty fine, thank you.
No, no, no.
Thanks very much, Jim.
And in other news...
police have a suspect in
yesterday's daring diamond heist.
It is this man, Calvin
"Baby Face" Sims...
- ...who was released-
- D. Rex, D. Rex, D. Rex.
Stop that, whatever
you're talking about.
D. Rex, D. Rex, D. Rex.
Just be quiet.
- D. Rex.
- Baby Face-
Dad, let Calvin watch his show.
You have to be the adult.
Let Calvin watch his tape.
- I wanna watch the news.
- I don't care what you wanna watch.
He was watching the TV first.
I'll read the news.
I tell you, the world is
going to hell in a handcart.
Wow, Dad, you really
cleaned your plate.
What? That hobgoblin
ate my breakfast.
Oh, Daddy, don't be ridiculous.
I ain't being ridiculous. That
little sucker ate my breakfast.
I'm going to the diner, where I can
eat and watch the news in peace.
Okay, Dad. Be careful.
Why don't we get you some food?
You must be so hungry.
It's time for you
to eat something.
- Morning, sweetie.
- Oh, good morning, baby.
Hello.
- I have your breakfast right here.
- Oh, goodie.
Oh, sweetie, okay, now your
dad is really tripping.
Last night, I caught him holding
little Calvin at gunpoint...
because he heard him
talking on the phone.
That is-That's crazy.
Well, you know...
iust now he ate all of his breakfast,
and then he told me the baby ate it.
- Can you say, "Whispering Glen"?
- No, Darryl.
No nursing homes, okay?
I don't wanna have this
conversation with you again.
I have to go to work, but
the baby's food is here.
- And I love you.
- I love you too.
Have a good day. Kiss. Feed him.
All right.
Okay, okay, let's
get you all fed.
All right. Open up wide.
Here come the airplane.
Oh, I see.
You want to play a
game of peekaboo, huh?
Okay, okay, okay.
Peekaboo, I see you.
Peekaboo, I see you.
You gotta be kidding me. God.
Darryl?
Where did I put it?
Honey, I forgot my purse.
Darryl. Darryl.
Sweetheart. You can't just
fall asleep like this.
Oh, honey, I know that you're tired,
but you have to watch the baby.
You take your eyes off him for a
minute, God knows what could happen.
I was...
- Darryl.
- I was...
- What...?
- I don't-
Honey, iust take him to the
park or something, okay?
Okay.
What...?
Peekaboo. Then I don't-What?
We gonna play baseball.
We gonna play football.
And we're gonna play golf.
And we're gonna shoot a plane.
We're gonna have fun.
There we go.
All right, son. Now, don't be afraid
to really swing that bat, okay?
Now, the trick is to really keep
your eye on the ball, okay?
Here we go.
Yeah, you want that
sucker to really fly.
You wanna give that thing
a lot of air, okay?
There you go. Give
it some good pump.
You want it to really fly.
You want it to blast off.
Yeah, there you go. No, no, no.
You want to point that up.
No. No, no, son. What are you-? No, no, no.
Don't push that button.
Okay, so now, what you wanna do
is you wanna wind that baby up...
and you throw it as
hard as you can, okay?
- Okay.
- All right. Come on.
Look at that. Yeah.
Yeah. Look at that sucker.
Where'd it go?
The ducks teach you playfulness.
Here, you can borrow this if you want.
He'd love it.
Hey, Dad-For-A-Weekend.
How's it going?
I think they designed all the
toys to hit you in the nuts.
Oh, yeah.
Get off.
Richard, I bet my son could kick
the crap out of both your kids...
blindfolded, one hand
tied behind his back.
Come on, Greg. Nicholas is
a sweet, sensitive kid.
He's not a fighter.
I'm telling you, Darryl, see, you
gotta be tough on kids nowadays.
All right, the slightest bit of
weakness and they could end up...
like that.
Well, I don't know about all that,
but I gotta be honest with you.
I'm starting to dig this father thing.
It's kind of cool.
It's kind of like I get to do all the
things that I never did with my dad.
- You know?
- That's real cute.
Really, I think I'm having a
positive influence on him.
Cee-lo, that's right. Dig
up in your OshKosh...
your babyGap and pay the man.
- That's right. Yeah.
- It's not fair.
Come on, put your
money in the pot.
Whine to your mama,
don't whine to me.
Right, good game, good game.
Come here, you guys. Come here.
Yo, y'all bring your
money tomorrow...
I'm gonna sell y'all some
pictures of some naked girls.
What I say? Y'all don't
like big breasts?
Daddy, can I have
some ice cream?
Sure, sweetie. What flavor?
- Vanilla.
- You got it.
- I think we'll go with you.
- Okay.
- You're getting big.
- Janet, do me a favor?
- Could you watch Calvin for me?
- No problem.
Calvin.
Percy.
- Cal, you get the diamond?
- Yeah, it's in the diaper bag. Come on.
Hold hands.
Cal, which one is it?
The one with the duck on it.
- They all got ducks on them.
- I think it's that one.
Come on.
Hey, that guy's not
even here with a child.
Hey.
Hey, get away from him.
Girls, let's get him!
- I'm out.
- There he is.
Pumpkin, are you okay?
- Did he touch you anywhere?
- No.
No? Okay. Good.
- Hey, is everything okay, Janet?
- It's not okay.
Some sick pervert tried to run
away with this little guy.
Hey, that psycho
took my diaper bag.
- What?
- Damn.
Pervert.
Okay, we gonna get you home where
it's nice and safe, all right?
Keys, keys. I want the keys.
Keys, keys, I want keys.
Keys. Keys. Keys.
No, no, no. Daddy needs
these to drive the-
- Keys.
- Oh, God.
Keys. Give me the keys.
- Oh, no. Here. Take that.
- No. Keys.
- I want keys.
- Play with that for a while.
- No, no, no. I need these.
- I want keys.
- Want keys.
- Okay, here.
- Keys.
- All right, all right.
All right, you wait right there,
and I'll be right back, okay?
Hey!
My car. My kid.
Hey, stop!
Someone iust stole my
car with my kid in it.
Hop in.
- Thank you.
- Let's go get that son of a bitch.
Damn.
Man, my wife is gonna kill me
when she finds out about this.
My advice to you is
don't tell her a word.
I left Bobby Jr. At
an amusement park.
Told his father he was at summer camp.
Bought me a week.
Hello? I'm on my way. I'll be
there in about five minutes.
I have the cupcakes. Yes.
I didn't bring iuice.
You didn't tell me.
- Don't talk to me that way.
- Excuse me.
- I'm hanging up.
- Oh, my God.
I'm hanging up. I'm hanging up.
Watch the road, moron.
Come on, baby. Let's go.
Let's do this.
Oh, wow, you are really upset.
It makes me feel so good to know that
there are people out there who care...
- Mommy, Mommy...
- ... about their kids-What?
As I do.
- Mommy, Mommy.
- Just one second, honey.
I'm fixing my makeup.
- Mom.
- What?
I think Dillon did a doodie.
- Mom, hurry up. Come on, hurry.
- Change him.
Oh, wait, no. Wait.
Oh, my God. Excuse me. A truck.
Excuse me. A truck.
There you go. Can you
hand me the powder?
What? No, stop.
We're gonna die.
Oh, my God.
Don't worry. You'll get
your little boy back.
It ain't worth it. Let me out.
Oh, no.
- Suspect got away.
- Damn it!
- But the kid's okay.
- I want my daddy.
I want Daddy. I want my daddy.
Thanks for everything.
Oh, by the way, I
run a carpool...
if the little one ever
needs a ride to preschool.
- Daddy.
- That's my kid.
Daddy. Daddy.
- Are you okay, huh?
- Daddy.
- Son's okay, but car's totaled.
- Screw the car. Long as he's okay.
I'm sorry, man. I'm
sorry, little buddy.
I would never want
anything to happen to you.
I love you, man.
- Mr. W.
- Yeah.
Your boy came through. I got it.
Bring it to me. Watch
my drink, babe.
Keep looking. Keep digging in there. It's in there.
It's in there, baby.
Look around in there.
Mr. Dub, could you
dig deeper in there?
Damn.
Is that a dirty diaper?
- Did I iust touch a dirty diaper?
- Wait a minute.
Whoa, that baby had
lasagna last night.
I know it's in here.
The diamond's in here.
- He said the diamond's in there.
- Your 24 hours are up, Percy.
And you haven't
delivered my diamond.
Do you know how
that makes me feel?
Please, Mr. Dub, give me a little more time.
I promise I'll get the rock.
It makes me feel like wanting
to hurt you very badly.
But I won't.
Because that diamond means
more to me than your life.
Now, you get out of here
and find me that diamond.
- Get out of here.
- I promise you, okay? I got you.
Follow him. Find his partner.
Get me my diamond, then stick
them both in the ground.
Aren't you taking
this a bit far?
I didn't even know they
made a LoJack for kids.
No, I'm telling you, I'm not taking any chances.
This guy's tricky.
Maybe I should skip the game.
Are you crazy? They're
playing Detroit, D.
Why don't we pack up the little ugly
son of a bitch and take him with us?
You really think
that's the best idea?
Yeah, Richard, I do think
it's the best idea.
It's never too early to
become a Chicago fan.
- You know what, I'm in.
- Yeah. Come on, let's go.
Okay, but when the ladies ask,
I was the one that said no.
I- No.
Are you ready to see how
exciting a hockey game is?
It's like boxing on ice.
Five rows up behind the penalty box.
Who the man?
- Yeah, boy. Yeah.
- That's right.
Let's go. Come on. Come on.
- Go, go, go.
- Come on, what are you watching?
Did you see that play? Hey.
What you got in your mouth
there, little fella?
What you got in your mouth? Open up.
Open. Let me see.
Oh, okay, it was nothing.
Come on.
T Man!
- Come on.
- Here we go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- All right, who needs drinks?
- I'm good.
Oh, wait. Yeah, I guess I
need another one, please.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
How about you guys?
Anything to drink?
- Yeah, I'll grab a beer, sure.
- Me too, me too. Get me one.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- Okay. Here you go.
- Nice ass.
Pig.
Tramp.
What the hell was that for?
- What did I do?
- You know her?
No, I don't know her.
I don't know-I don't.
- Hey, man. Get your own.
- Hey.
- What?
- Beer. It's empty.
- So get another one.
- I'm gonna-
- Get off. Wait.
- What's your problem, man?
- Come on, man. Come on, Miller.
- Miller.
You suck.
- You suck, man. You suck.
- Shut it, you losers!
Want some of me? Come down here.
Come play with the big boys.
- You're a bully. You're a bully, man.
- Yeah, I thought so, you princess.
- Come on, you.
- Pick on somebody your own size.
Come on down here, then.
Who did that?
You. You're dead!
He's gonna kill me.
- Get out of my way.
- It wasn't me. It was the baby.
- You're mine.
- Get him.
Hockey fight!
He's got my ear. Get
this baby off of me.
- Hey. Hey, hey.
- Is that all you got?
I don't know, baby.
Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm
not ready to be a dad yet.
It really wasn't your fault.
It's so funny, man. It
just happened so fast.
I took my eyes off him
for one second and:
He would've never had
another birthday again.
Hey. Why don't we do that?
Why don't we throw him
a birthday party?
Well, we don't know
when his birthday is.
So what? We'll
celebrate it tomorrow.
We'll throw him a big birthday bash. The
biggest birthday party he ever had.
That is a really good idea.
And I got a little
surprise for him.
Does everyone know
what time it is?
It's time to dance and sing,
and have lots and lots of fun.
Hey there, boys and girls,
it's Dinosaur Rex...
your favorite prehistoric pal.
Now, where's the birthday boy?
- There.
- Yo, no, no.
- Happy birthday.
- Hey, yo.
Happy birthday, little buddy
I got a nasty hangover...
and a rock stuck in my gut...
that got my colon backed
up like rush-hour traffic.
Now, either you're gonna stop
with your fruity kid songs...
or I'm gonna kick you right
in your furry balls.
- All right?
- Well...
maybe we should
talk about manners.
Now, manners are very important.
When I was a tiny lizard, my mom told
me that if I had good manners...
one day I could grow up to be
president of the whole United States.
But instead, you entertain
snotty-nosed kids...
in a crusty, blue
dinosaur suit...
that smell like sweaty
armpits and baby urine.
Far cry from president, buddy.
I iust got out of rehab.
Because of the new
"deadbeat dad" law...
my wife's garnishing 85
percent of my dinosaur wages.
So if I weren't afraid to lose
this iob, I'd kick your ass.
Oh, you so pathetic you need
$4.50 an hour that bad?
Come on, get your ass kicked.
- Bring it on.
- Come on. Come on, then.
- Hey.
- Oh, you mine now. You mine.
Get him, get him, get him.
You little bastard.
That was a cheap shot.
- You stink.
- I hate your show.
It has been confirmed, the
driver of the stolen vehicle...
matches the description of the
suspect in Friday's diamond heist.
- Police are looking to question...
- I knew it.
Calvin "Baby Face" Sims.
Sims, who was recently released from
state prison, has thus far eluded-
Hey, guys, what do you say
we liven this party up?
We have a little
father-son football game.
Football? Greg, I don't know. I
don't think that's a good idea.
Nicholas is a little young
and small for football.
How about Simon Says instead?
You know, Richard, your son
practically squats to pee.
Come on, man. Look, we gotta
scar these kids for life.
All right? We gotta
toughen them up a bit.
You don't-
- Come on.
- Come on.
Darryl, you in, or does
Calvin have ballet class?
I'm down.
- All right.
- All right, let's do it.
Football? That's not in the books.
I've read all the books.
Yeah, you're wetting yourself here.
Go play football.
- You sure?
- Rich, let's go.
- It's 7-O already.
- All right. I'm playing football.
Take off the sli-Oh, my God.
Whoa, here we go.
P- U-T-I-T-I-N Put it in.
P- U-T-I-T-I-N Put it in.
You and me, this is father-son stuff.
Right here, huh? Here we go.
- Ready, set...
- I love you, baby.
Hike.
One Victoria's Secret. Two-
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
You want the hospital
or the graveyard, punk?
Yeah.
- Here we go.
- Are you okay?
- I thought this was a touch game.
- You have his license number?
- What is he doing?
- Sorry, D, did I hurt your vagina?
Our team is what? Dynamite
Our team is what? Dynamite.
- What's going on?
- Our team is.
Dynamite.
Break.
Run, Dad.
Nicholas, are you okay?
Game on.
- Just stay down, son.
- Thattaboy. You did it.
Now, that's why we put
creatine in our corn flakes.
- You okay?
- Punch him, kick him.
Stick him in the eye.
Here we go, here we go.
All right, here we go.
Come on, boys.
- Yeah.
- Your husband is a brute.
- That's right.
- Yo, Greg, man.
You should be ashamed
of yourself!
Hey, what are you doing, Greg?
Man, he's a kid.
Hey, Darryl, Darryl.
Shut your pie-hole, man!
- It's football. It's football.
- I know.
- Stop acting like a bitch.
- Why you starting, man?
Come on, let's go. Man, come on.
You guys suck.
It's time to kick some butt.
Come on.
Ready, set, hike.
- I got him.
- Nicholas, block left. Come on.
- Tommy.
- How do you like them apples?
- Get him.
- Yeah, come on.
- Yeah.
- Yes. Yes.
Tommy, what's going on?
You call that a tackle?
Told you, you gotta
stay in the zone.
You gotta eat some lightning
and crap thunder, son.
You wanna get up? Come on.
Come on. Come on.
- Come on. Come on, man.
- Shut up, Darryl. It's my son.
All right, it's do-or-die time.
Last point wins.
Nicholas, you ready?
Purple Haze. Purple Haze 15.
Ready, set, hike.
Follow me.
- Go, Nicholas. Go, Nicholas.
- Come on, come on.
- Bring it on.
- Go. Go.
- Go. Oh, my goodness.
- Come on, get up.
Go, Nicholas. Go, Nicholas.
Go, Nicholas.
- Come on.
- Tommy, hurry.
This team is dynamite
We're dynamite.
- That's my son.
- That is my boy. That is my boy.
You did it, son. You
crapped thunder.
Nine months inside. Yes.
Dad, Dad.
- Yeah, son?
- You suck.
Son, Dad hurt his pee-pee.
- Get up, you pussy.
- I can't.
All right, everybody, here she comes.
Everybody, on three.
One, two, three.
They trying to punk me.
All these people trying
to make a fool out of me.
Trying to make me cry.
I didn't cry when I went to prison,
and I ain't gonna cry now.
I don't care if I never had a
mother who threw me a party.
Today is my birthday and
I'm gonna smile, damn it.
I wish I had a family.
Well done, baby.
What is this, Dad?
I got a gift for the kid. I know
I've been a little tough on him.
But it ain't easy when I've been
the center of all the attention...
and all of a sudden, a kid
walk in the house. A baby.
I want you to know now, from
now on, I'm here to help.
Now, Calvin, make a wish.
And I hope all of your
wishes come true.
Oh, great, you're here.
The bouncy's in the back.
Just go around the side.
No, I'm here to get my son.
Little dude. Little man.
- Son?
- That's right.
I didn't think I could do it, but
I got myself together, baby.
So if you iust give me the boy,
we're gonna slide out of here.
So you're the guy who left
his baby on my doorstep...
- ...in a dog basket?
- That's right, but that was a mistake.
The guy who gave his
own kid a tattoo?
Wait. I can explain that. His
mother was in the service.
The person responsible for allowing his
baby boy to take a knife in the gut?
Wait. The boy needed discipline.
- You should be castrated.
- What?
Ain't nothing wrong
with my bowel movement.
I go two, three times a day.
Let me tell you something.
I ain't got to explain nothing.
I'm a grown-
You iust caught yourself the
official Brooklyn beat-down, homes.
You iust entered the
dragon, homeboy.
Word up. I'm gonna tap you
right on your Flintstone.
Here it come, homeboy. Here
it come, homeboy. Here it-
Who is Mike Jones?
Get the hell out of here.
And don't come back.
I want my mother.
Looks like Percy's partner decided
to keep the rock for himself.
- Better go tell Mr. Walken.
- Yeah.
There you go. Good.
- Come on.
- Honestly, Janet...
I don't know how you do it.
- What's that, sweetie?
- All of this.
The parenting, the
responsibility.
It's really no different
than any other career.
I mean, you have scheduling, you have planning.
Budgeting, of course.
I guess the big difference
is that my boss...
I want to slather in
kisses all day long.
And I can, without being
sued for sexual harassment.
And you don't miss
the iob at all?
You know, sometimes I
think I miss it...
but then I remember all they
really liked about me...
was the money that
I made for them.
You know? I mean, this... This is real.
These guys dig me.
I am a diva, a giant, a goddess.
I'm perfect. Aren't I perfect?
Mommy, I don't feel good.
What's the matter, honey?
You got a tummy ache?
Yeah? Think maybe it's from
eating 16 pieces of cake...
and beef ierky...
and a balloon? Yeah.
- Is he gonna be okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just a little teaspoon of this-
It is magic.
And he will poop very shortly.
It'll slide right out.
Good boy.
Well, maybe you
should take him home.
Yes, maybe we shall.
- You wanna go home?
- And you too. Yeah.
Oh, goodness, what do
you feed this kid?
What do I feed you?
- All right. I'll see you soon?
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- See you later. Come on, hon.
Such a good boy,
helping your mom.
Oh, sweetie. Wha-?
Oh, honey, what's wrong?
Sweetie?
- Hey, little man, what's the matter?
- I don't think he's feeling well.
Are you okay?
What's the matter, you
gotta make a poo-poos?
You gotta make a poo-poo. He gotta
make a little poo-poo, yeah.
God.
What's going on, man, huh?
Ain't that cute. He made
a little surprise...
for Mommy.
- Mom-? For me?
- Go ahead.
- Mommy take care.
- Darryl, why me? I did it last time.
Wash your hands before
you make dinner.
Come on, Calvin.
Come on.
Man, what a day.
- I can't believe you did this.
- Did what?
- This. Darryl, it's so beautiful.
- I did-I-
It's so romantic, the way
you put it in his diaper.
Then you made me change him even
though I didn't want to. Oh, so-
- No, but, honey-
- We should go out and celebrate.
- Somewhere nice? I'll change.
- Wait.
Thank you, baby. I love
it, I love it, I love it.
- I love it, I love it, I love it.
- I gotta talk to you.
- Baby, come here.
- Damn.
Are you sure you guys
are gonna be okay?
- We'll be fine, won't we, little boy?
- I love Papa.
- All right. Bye.
- Okay.
Y'all have a good time, now.
I know we will.
Bye-bye.
We going to have a good time. He's a
nice little boy too. Yes, indeedy.
He's a cute little boy too.
Look at the little baby.
Yeah, he's a good little boy.
One, two, three.
Now, you come clean, you little punk.
Who are you?
Where you from? What you all about?
What is all this?
Look here, old man. You been
a real pain in my butt.
And you're right, I did
rob that jewelry store.
And now there's some real
bad people after me.
And the people you love
are gonna get hurt...
if I don't get that diamond.
And I don't want that to happen, so
you better just stay out of my way.
Hey, yo, Percy, it's me.
Be here in a hour.
- I'll have the diamond then.
- How can you do this to us?
We took you in, thought
you were a child in need.
- You turn out to be a lowlife thief.
- Look, I didn't mean for it to go this far.
I was iust trying to get
my diamond and be out.
- You ain't getting away with it.
- Then it's time to dance. Come on.
- Baby, I-
- Sweetheart...
this means so much to me.
I know it's not real.
Look at the size of this.
There's no way you could
afford that, but...
Well, it's what the ring symbolizes
that makes it so special to me.
- Yeah, about that, baby. I didn't-
- Please. Let me finish.
Please. I know that you are not
the one who isn't ready. It's me.
I have always needed for
everything to fit my schedule.
And you have shown me that sometimes
life doesn't work that way.
It's unpredictable, and sometimes
you have to go with the flow and...
I'll never be ready
until it just happens.
- Vanessa, I iust wanna tell you-
- I think that we should just do it.
Do what?
Let's adopt him.
Tomorrow let's take the
baby to Child Services...
and start the paperwork.
You mean we can keep him?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
So, what did you wanna tell me?
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Let's-Let's toast.
Okay.
You don't mess with
a man from Detroit.
I'm from Detroit.
The hell you doing?
- What's going on?
- Daddy, get off of him.
- Get off of the baby.
- Stop it.
Ain't no baby.
That's a criminal.
I have had it with you. I'm
calling Whispering Glen.
Vanessa, I ain't crazy.
You see, I know what is
and I know what ain't is.
And he ain't is
what he say he is.
You see, "is" is and
"ain'ts" ain't.
Check the teddy bear.
The teddy bear.
Teddy bear knows.
- Come on, then. Please.
- We'll take good care of your father.
Whispering Glen is
a safe facility.
Give him a couple of
days to adjust...
- Let me go.
- ... and then come visit.
Vanessa, believe me.
"Is" is, "ain'ts" ain't.
Use the Taser if you have to.
Check the teddy bear.
The teddy bear.
I'm gonna go put him to bed.
Yeah.
Man.
How does one child turn a household
upside down in a weekend?
Look at this place. It's a mess.
Check the teddy bear.
The teddy bear.
Teddy bear knows.
Grandpa bad.
No. No, baby. No, no, no.
Papa's not bad. He didn't
mean to hurt you. He just-
He's a little... Yeah.
Wow, look here, old man. You've
been a real pain in the butt.
And you're right, I did
rob that jewelry store.
And now there's a lot
of bad people aer me.
People you love are
gonna get hurt...
if I don't get the diamond back.
Vanessa.
Vanessa.
- Where's Calvin?
- I put him in the cr-
- Where's the diamond?
- It was-
- Gone.
- Damn. Pops was right.
- I'm calling the police.
- I'm gonna get my dad.
Dad!
Yes, I have some information
on a stolen diamond.
That's what I'm talking about.
We did it. We rich, baby.
- Yes. Just in the nick of time.
- We blinging.
Walken and his goons is
going to that house.
- What?
- Don't worry.
He thinks Darryl's my partner.
You idiot. Walken will kill him
if he don't have his diamond.
Exactly. Which means he
won't be coming after you.
It's perfect. We get
away scot-free.
This is the time
you hit me, right?
Let me pull over.
Don't start beating me like
I'm a R & B singer, man.
Police is here. Hey.
Hey. Can I help you?
Is this the guy that
double-crossed Percy?
Yeah, that's the guy, boss.
I don't know anybody named Percy.
You must got the wrong guy.
- Cut the crap. I want my diamond.
- I don't have it.
Too bad. I guess we're gonna
have to beat it out of you.
I iust called the police. And
they're on their way over here.
Really? That doesn't
leave us much time then.
- Take him.
- Wait, wait, wait. Wait, guys.
Dada?
Dada.
Who's this little guy?
That's my son.
Take him upstairs.
- I wanna talk to you.
- Cute kid.
It's-Just-I don't have-Listen.
That's my nipple.
Time to take a nap.
Night-night?
And don't worry about any loud
noises you may hear downstairs.
It's iust us beating
up your daddy.
Here you are.
Nighty-night.
Click.
Now tell me, where's my diamond?
I told you, I don't have it.
You don't tell me where
my diamond is...
that cute little baby of
yours is gonna get hurt.
Moron, get the kid. Get the kid.
I want him.
There you are, little buddy.
Come on.
Come to Uncle Rosco.
Okay. Play nicey-nicey.
Okay, get your ass up.
Yeah, get up. I got you now.
Yeah. Yeah.
Ain't so tough now, are you?
Back up. Or I'll shoot you.
Shoot me, tough guy. Come on.
Oh, boy.
I'm surrounded by morons.
Here. You dropped your gun, sir.
Here you go. It's all yours.
- What are you gonna do?
- Wait, wait, I-
Come on, get out of here.
Come on.
All right, dude.
You busted my Sergio da Vincis,
$62.50 designer frames.
Not cool. Not cool.
Okay, buddy.
We can either do this the
easy way or the hard way.
I think I like it the hard way.
Did we get him?
He's yours, man.
Dude...
you iust woke the dragon up.
Prepare for pain.
It's time for the dragon
to go back to sleep.
What are you doing?
- Stop.
- You going down, Sasquatch.
Better not.
What the hell is going on here?
That ain't no baby.
- Who else is here?
- Nobody.
- Who's here?
- Nobody, I swear.
Come on.
Inside. Inside.
There's the little monster.
Listen, what does he got there?
- It's an airplane.
- Tell him to get rid of the plane.
Get rid of it.
Calvin, throw the plane.
What are you doing?
Don't move.
Save it, tough guy.
You're not gonna shoot me.
But I will.
Freeze! Police!
Freeze! Police!
I got this. You check the house.
Black cops, come with me.
White lady, you stay here.
I'm telling you, guys,
that ain't no baby.
He's the mastermind
behind the whole thing.
Get him out of here.
He's a stone-cold
killer, that kid.
Would you get this thing off me?
Relax. Where you're going, you
might want to keep that on.
I don't wanna go to iail.
It's too dark. There's no TV.
Hey, where you
going, little guy?
Ain't this your kid?
Dada?
Yeah, that's my son.
Now, Calvin...
don't you have something
for the nice policeman?
- No.
- Come on.
You don't wanna go to prison with
the rest of the bad men, do you?
There we go.
Hey, the diamond.
Thanks, kid. Now your dad's
gonna get a big reward.
- A reward?
- Yeah, the insurance company...
offered $ 1 OO, OOO to
whoever found the diamond.
A hundred thousand dollars?
God, that's gonna come in handy.
Shoot, I could get
my car fixed...
get a new wedding
ring for my wife...
I could take a vacation,
buy a TV set-
And if there's any
change left over...
I'll give a little
something to my son.
Right. Well, we'll be in touch.
So...
Oh, come on. Let's not get
all mushy about this.
Let's iust shake hands
and part ways like men.
All right? No hard feelings?
- Nah, no hard feelings.
- All right.
Besides, it was kind of cool
having a son for a minute.
See? There you go with all
that sentimental stuff.
If that's the game
you wanna play...
I guess it was cool
having you as a fa-
Oh, boy.
What I'm trying to say is,
I've never really had a daddy.
I guess what I'm saying is...
you're gonna make a great
father, all right?
There, I said it.
Are you happy now?
Now, I'm gonna walk
out that back door...
and you ain't gonna see me no more.
Ever.
- But-
- Oh, it hurts.
- We-
- I know.
We'll never see
each other again.
- But we-
- Maybe that's for the best.
You'll start a family...
and you won't need a
lowlife criminal like...
Calvin Sims around anymore.
Actually what I was gonna say
is, we don't have a back door.
Okay, well, then I'll
go out the front.
- Fine.
- Well...
I'll be out of your lives for
good, never to return again.
Cool.
So long.
Farewell. Oh, God.
Aren't you gonna miss me?
Just a little bit?
- See you around, buddy.
- No?
Take care.
Goodbye.
It's so hard to say goodbye.
Why?
Nobody loves Calvin.
Because I'm short.
- They think I'm ugly.
- Hey, little man.
Wanna share a glass of milk?
Enough of all this girlie stuff.
This ain't Brokeback Mountain.
Hey, how about we put a little
bit of liquor in that milk?
Forget that. Let's go to a bar.
All right. Bet.
- Are you over 21?
- And then some.
All right.
Hey, I know this
great strip club.
Don't say that loud.
My wife might get mad.
- Oh, sorry.
- Got change of a hundred?
- No, we steal it from Pops.
- All right. All singles.
You a cute little fellow.
Yes, you are.
Take after your mama. You got a
lot of grandpoppy in you too.
Yes, you do, little boy.
Look at the little boy.
Where's the bottle?
The kid is starving.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Old grouch.
Here he comes, little boy.
Don't worry. We gonna get
you some milk. Yeah.
That little guy's so cute...
it's making me go soft.
He look iust like his daddy.
Howdy-do, little boy.
So...
Oh, come on. Let's not get
all mushy about this.
Let's iust shake hands
and part ways like men.
All right? No hard feelings?
There, I said it.
Are you happy now?
Now, I'm gonna walk
out that back door...
and you ain't gonna see me no more.
Ever.