Louis C.K.: Chewed Up (2008) Movie Script
[crowd cheers]
Hello, alright... thank you, alright faggot how you doin'
Sorry, I called him a faggot.
I miss that word, k'now, I grew up saying that word and,
I mean, it never ment gay.
When I was a kid, I didn't even know what gay was,
I hadn't been told that people do that, I had no fucking idea.
Faggot didn't mean gay. When I was a kid, you called
someone a faggot because they were being a faggot, y'know.
Someone's just being a faggot. "Neee," Shut up faggot.
"You're not supposed to use those for that."
Shut up faggot.
I would never call a gay guy a faggot, unless he was being a faggot. But not because he's gay, do you understand?
If I saw two guys blowing each other, I don't know why
I'm watching them do it, but if I just happened to.
I stumble upon a couple of fellas blowing one another on
their respective "penisia"
That's plural for penis that I invented today... "penisia"
I would be respectful to them, y'know, "Hello gentlemen."
But if one of them took the dick out of his mouth and
started acting all faggy and saying annoying faggy things.
"You know people from Phoenix are Phoenisians" or
something like that.
I'd be like "hey shut up faggot, FAAAAGGGOOT"
Quit being a faggot and suck that dick,
that's what I would say to them.
I don't know, I wouldn't call someone a mean name for sucking a dick, because if you suck a dick, that's awesome, I respect you.
Because I can't do it, I mean I haven't tried and failed, I just,
I put myself there in my mind and I couldn't do it because
I'm afraid, that's the only reason
That's why, if you can suck a dick I think that there's
a strength in being able to do that, I believe that.
I don't believe that blowing somebody comes easily to anybody,
even if it's something you generally do, every new dick
must take somethin' outta you.
There must be something you gotta do to get yourself ready,
y'know, "[clears throat] okay, here we go"
[exhales] "ahaha, you.. I'm gonna suck ya"
"muahaha oookay, HERE WE GO!"
So, faggot, I don't know.
A lot of words that are not bad words, but some people start
using them a lot to hurt other people and then they become
bad and become hard to use.
There's words that I love that I can't use because other
people use them wrong to hurt other people.
Like the word cunt is a beautiful word, to me there's just
beauty in that word, and I mean like asthetically it's chocolate-y
and round on the ends.
I just... cunt, I just like the way it sounds. I don't use
it as an insult, I'll be alone in the laundry like "cunt, cunt" I
just like saying it
I would never call a woman a cunt, except for my mom
because she likes it for some weird reason, but..
it's a very misused word, it's supposed to mean vagina, which
I don't think works at all because vagina's are so sweet
they're little pretty things with flow pedal-y lips. I hear
a piccalo in my head everytime I see a vagina.
Even for vaginas that's too harsh,
they should be called like "fala-lala"
There should be a butterfly fluttering around every vagina
just all the time, a little butterfly.
You go to the doctor and he's like "Well the butterfly looks good
so we're in good shape"
How do you look at something that pretty and say
"That's a CUNT" that doesn't fit at all.
Maybe if it was a giant vagina and it was attacking a town and throwing buses around and knocking over telephone poles
Then you can say "Hey, somebody shoot that cunt with a bazooka!"
It's gonna step on the candy store!
So, faggot, cunt. Everybody has different words that offend them. Different things that they hear and get offended by.
To me, the thing that offends me the most is when I hear someone say "the N-word"
not nigger by the way, I mean "the N-word," literally whenever a white lady on CNN says "the N-word" that's just white people getting away with saying nigger.
They found a way to say nigger, "N-word", it's bullshit because when you say "the N-word" you're putting nigger in the listener's head. That's what saying a word is.
You say "the N-word" and I go "Oh, she means nigger," you're making ME say it in my head. Why don't YOU fucking say it instead and take responsibility.
With the shitty words you wanna say, just say it, don't hide behind
the first letter like a faggot. Just say nigger you stupid cunt.
I don't know, I don't care.
Somebody'll kick my ass, I mean all this shit goes on in my head, I don't really... I thought the word nigger the other day, it wasn't even racist.
Let me tell you what happened, I went to a coffee place. It was a cool indie place, I don't like starbucks anymore because they don't care anymore.
They just press a button and some old lady's diarrhea comes out and they just give it to you.
So I go to a young people's cool coffee place with all the band's playing notice on the walls, it's called like "The Howling Dew" or something.
The dude behind the counter has like a tight t-shirt and a pony tail and he's like "hey what's up man"
And I was like "Hey can I get a cappuccino?" and he's like "Yeah, right on, totally," like he's amazed that he can help me.
"Oh yeah, I got all the stuff right here, this is awesome!"
And so he starts making my coffee, he worked so hard. He grounded the beans just for that one cup and put them in the thing and tamped them with this old thing
[click clakity click] and he took the milk and he frothed it like for an hour and he banged it on the counter and I don't know why but it was awesome, he scooped it in and put a little cocoa on it.
and he's like "Here ya go man," and I was just blown away and for some reason as I left there, the thought in my head was "That nigger made the shit outta my coffee"
I don't know why, he wasn't black, that was just what was in my heart for some reason was "that nigger made the shit outta my coffee"
I don't know, I don't care
I'm all sweaty, I don't feel good. I ate too much and masturbated too recently, y'know that kinda..
y'know it's bad to like jerk off and run out the door 'cause you run into somebody like "uggh, she knows," you gotta like take some time along to process the shame.
I just can't stop eating, today I weighed myself, I don't know why, I'm not using the information, it's not guiding my behaviour why am I bothering to find out exactly how much of a piece of shit I am.
I weighed myself and I usually hover around 230...
240 today, I weight 240 pounds, which is not okay.
You know like when you go to the doctor they give you like a formula for how much you should weigh? I'm pretty sure it's not your age plus 200 pounds.
That doesn't seem like..
Like, I was watching a boxing match today, and both guys, they weighed a hundred and ten pounds each.
So, both of those guys still need a fat baby and a dead dog to make me.
And it's really bad 'cause I'm 40, and my doctor's like, "Yeah, you gotta be less people... you can't be so much... He just told me, "This is bad."
And he starts asking me about my eating habits, you know, like there's habits, like there's a pattern.
It's just chaos, and awfulness. It's just depesperate, constant... He's like, "How many meals and how many bowel movements a day?"
I'm like, I have no idea, I have no idea. It's just a blur, I'm just shittin' and eatin' all day.
I fill, pack my body to capacity and then blow it out my asshole, that's it.
Every shit is an emergency. Does that give you some idea? Of my eating habits?
And he's trying to get a handle on my... He's like, "Dude, okay look, how long, how soon into a meal do you typically feel full and stop eating?"
I'm like, "I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself. That's when I, that's when I stop."
I guess normal people eat 'til they're like, "Oh, that's, I guess that's all the nutrition I require, right there, I just reached it.
I will cease the intake now... and convert this into useful energy throughout the day."
No. Every time I eat it ends with me, "Why the fuck did I eat that? Dude, get it away, I don't wanna look at that shit, that's uggghh....
It's all right here too, it's like ucckkhhh. [exhales]
I got syrup in my veins, like for blood, I got syrup. It's gonna be bad later, ugggh." I can't take care of myself.
And I'm always, just uncomfortable. Just sweaty, and just... like, this is, such a bummer. Like... it's my nightmare, it's my whole life.
Best thing that ever happened to me was boxer briefs. I'm so happy about boxer briefs. It doesn't seem like a big deal to most people,
but before boxer briefs I was trapped between the two awful worlds of briefs and boxers.
Briefs, briefs are for a normal man with one leg here and one leg here. Two
totally separate legs, with a whole area between, and the briefs go up into this little valley, this little area,
and they come down like this, and they can just tuck up in there and just hold them nicely because he's
got all that air and negative space. But this is just, all just mashed together, just upsetting, sting-y,
red, sweaty, just like... This looks like a pig's ass when I'm naked. Like even my dick is curly like the
tail... This is a pig's ass. And I pull briefs on and they're just go "Grrrrrrunhhh!" and they just grab
my dick and balls, "Here's your balls, you fat bastard, you like that?!" And they just dig up in there
with this viciously sharp cotton, and "Owwww!" And after a while I have just this wad of just damp cloth,
just a wad of wet cotton, just like the size of a tennis ball, like a huge wad of wet cotton. And boxers were
worse because they're, just they just let everything flap around, and touch each other, and upset each other... I need everything to be segregated down here.
I went 'cause my ankle, I was like limping for a month out of no where, and the doctor, he brings me and shows me an xray of my ankle and he's like
"Yeah your ankle is just worn out"
I was like "What do you mean, I injured my ankle?" and he's like "No, it's just shitty now."
"You see that dark area? Bleck, it's all hardened... they get like that and they're not good anymore."
I was like "Well goodbye? There's nothing? There's no option, it's just incurable shitty ankle? That's it?"
And he goes, "Well, there's things you can do... you can stretch for half hour a day you should stretch your ankle"
I was like, "How long will that take to fix it?" and he's like "No, you just do that now, that's just a new thing you do, until you and your shitty ankle both die."
I was like, "Dude this hurts a lot" and he goes, "Well you can take Aleve, just take Aleve, you can buy it and just take it, and you can take whatever amount, it doesn't matter don't pay attention to the dosage"
I'm like "really?" and he goes "Yeah, you can take 10 a day, you'd be fine," he say take 10 Aleve a day..
I said, "Doesn't that stuff like hurt your intestines?" he goes, "Oh yeah, it'll do some intestinal damage after a while, but you just gotta weigh that against how much you like your ankle not hurting."
This is all totally true by the way, this is exactly what happened. And at one point I was like "What if I was like an athlete or something?" he goes, "You're not an athlete.."
"So no to whatever else you were about to say"
It's bleak. It's harder for old people. My grandmother is 95, she can't see out of her left eye, it just shut off...
The last time we went to see her she's like "I can't see out of my left eye" and we're all like, "Uggh, hey what was chistmas like in the '40s?"
Maybe that'd run out the clock on the eye thing if we're luck, y'know?
So I go to her doctor, he's always at the end of the hall like 8 feet away from her. So I go to the doctor and say "She can't see out of her left eye at all."
And I swear to god he goes, "Well she's probably got a bunch of tumors in her head."
I swear to god, that's exactly what he said... I remember it because I was blown away by how none of his education he applied to this paticular diagnosis.
He said that she's PROBABLY got a bunch of tumors in her HEAD. He's a doctor and he called it her head.. he almost said "fucking head" I swear to god.
Like that's what he was thinking, "she's probably got a bunch of tumors in her fucking head, who gives a shit that old cunt will be dead in a week, I ain't gonna get up outta my desk because of her eye"
"What does she need two eyes to see the shitty place you fucking put her because you don't love her enough"
I ain't there yet, I'm halfway there. 40 year old guys are not good specimens either.
I have a friend who has a lot of young girlfriends and he goes a little too young.
And it's not okay, he brings them around and you're like "Dude.. don't" like I literally pointed at her face and said "Don't fuck her, that's awful" because it's just bad, y'know?
But so he was going to hav esex with her one night and he said he wanted to go all night, like he really wanted to last a long time, so he said "I'm gonna drink a lot of milk so I can have a lot of sex"
I was like, "Who told you that that mattered?" and he goes, "Well you can cum more if you drink milk"
This guy actually thinks that you run outta cum but if you drink milk your body goes, "Oh dude that's perfect! Just send that right through"
"Nobody will know the difference, just send it through"
You run outta cum and milk it doesn't matter just send it right through.. spray it all over his cat's face, whatever he was doing...
What? I'll cum on my cat's face.
If she's watching, she's gonna get a face full of cum, she knows that by now. It's her fault now.
Cum on my cat's face once, shame on me...
...I don't have a cat, I never had one. I mean would cum on a cat's face I'm not trying to take that back, I just don't happen to have a cat.
I have a dog, and I had a dog when I was a teenager and... yeah, I did once, I- I made my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls.
Which is something you know can't un-know. You just know it. I did this.
And I only hesitated to start the sentence only because I wasn't sure whether to say that I LET my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls or that I MADE him...
And really, considering how much dogs love cheese I think I made him an offer that he couldn't refuse I think that's probably the fairest way to put it.
I remember it so clearly, and I remember the look on the dog's face, he was like "aww fuck, dude what's wrong with you?"
"Why are you doing this to us? Just put it on a plate, why do I have to lick it off your god damn balls?"
"Alright fine, let's do it, I'm doing it I don't care, look you gotta live with it 'cause I'll be dead in like 2 years I'm a dog, this is your problem."
Sorry I'm being so negative... I'm a bummer, I don't know, I shouldn't be, I'm a lucky guy I got a lot going for me. I'm healthy, I'm relatively young. I'm white which thank god for that shit.
That is a huge leg up, are you kiddin' me? Oh god I love being white, I really do. Seriously if you're not white you are missing out because this shit is thoroughly good.
Let me be clear by the way, I'm not saying white people are better. I'm saying that being white is clearly better, who could even argue?
If it was an option, I would re-up every year. "Oh I'll take white again, I'm absolutely enjoying it, I'll stick with white thank you."
Here's how great it is to be white. I can get into a time machine and go to any time and it would be fucking awesome when I get there
That is exclusively a white privilege. Black people can't fuck with time machines, a black guy in a time machine would be like "Hey anything before 1980 no thank you"
But I can go to any time, the year 2, I don't even know what was happening then but I know when I get there, "Welcome we have a table right here for you sir."
"Thank you, it's lovely here in the year 2."
I can go to any time. In the past, I don't want to go to the future and find out what happens to white people because we're gonna pay hard for this shit, you gotta know that.
We're not gonna just fall from number 1 to 2. They're gonna hold us down and fuck us in the ass forever.. and we totally deserve it but for now "weeeeee"
Now if you're white and you don't admit that it's great, you're an asshole
It is great, and I'm a man. How many advantages can one person have I'm a white man, you can't even hurt my feelings.
What can you really call a white man that really digs deep? "Hey cracker!" "Uggh, ruined me day, boy shouldn't have called me a cracker. Bringing me back to owning land and people, what a drag."
I am married though, that takes me down a few pegs.
The other night, my wife sent me to Walgreens to get toilet paper because we were out of toilet paper because I had thrown it all in the garbage so I could get out of the house...
So I'm driving to Walgreens, it was nightime and I see a deer and I fucking hate deer, I hate them because they're everywhere up there.
I used to live in the city and I loved deer then because I was liberal and in the city and I'd see deer when you drive out with your friends out to the country
and you see a deer and everybody is like, "Turn off the car, don't scare it, it's just so beautiful, look at the beautiful deer, look how he looks around it's just so mysterious and beautiful.
God gave us a gift everybody just enjoy the gift of the beautiful deer"
But now I live, and deer are in my fucking yard everyday and they suck, they're just rats with hooves
They don't matter. They have ticks that give you lime disease and they shit everywhere and they make a noise, did you know that? They go [scoffs]. They're assholes.
They're shit animals. I go out every morning and throw rocks at them and I try really hard to them on the head with rocks.
And they don't care, they're like [farts][scoffs], they don't care.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing. I wouldn't feel anything.
I'd just go, "Oh look, he's dead, that's interesting. I guess that's what happens when you shoot them in the fucking mouth."
I'd go out of my way to kill a deer, I would happily blow 20 guys in an alley with bleeding dicks so I could get AIDS and then fuck a deer and kill it with my AIDS, I would do that in a second
I mean it, I mean it.
So I see this deer and this is how dumb they are. I hit him with my headlights and he does "DUH," that whole thing.
And they he won't just go, he's like "Can I go? Can I- Can I go?" and I'm like, "Fucking GO!" "I don't know if I can, I don't-"
"Just GOOO!" And I try to get away from him and then I see him and he looks at me and [AHHH] he panics.
I swear, and he ran and smashed his body into my fucking car, like just [thud]. Destroyed my mirror, just shattered my mirror. He broke his neck, I heard him break his own fucking neck.
And then he just dragged his stupid deer head into the woods and he died.
And I'm glad he's dead. I was glad right away. I got outta my car and I yelled into the woods,
"I'm glad you're dead you fucking idiot! I hope your deer wife finds you dead and dies of a broken heart. I hope your deer babies starve to death, you broke my mirror you faggot, cunt, nigger deer."
So I go to Walgreens.. I just kept going.
I gotta by drugs all the time 'cause I got kids. Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.
And you get sick from them all the time. Last week I had a flu that I caught because my daughter coughed into my mouth.
Just [achoo], hit my right in the back of the throat.
I'm like, "Thank honey, I'm sick right now I can feel it already."
She did this by the way because she was trying to tell me a secret.
And she thinks you tell secrets into people's mouths.
She takes her whole face, [whispers] [coughs].
Which is inconsiderate, borderline retarded behaviour if you ask me.
And by the way, she's 5. 5 years old, what secret does she really have that I really need to hear..
Like she's gonna tell me a secret and I'm gonna go "Holy shit are you serious?
Oh my god. Honey, I won't tell anybody but that is fucked up though, seriously. She got an abortion on christmas eve? Oh my god."
She's 5. 5 years old, do you know what that means? Nothing that she says matters.
She's never said anything actually important in her entire life.
I literally could have missed every word this fucking kid has ever said and nothing would be different.
Everything would be exactly the same. I enjoy the things she says, they're beautiful and poetic and I love hearing them but I don't have to fucking hear any of it.
And that's an important distinction. If you're a parent, you just start making it because you can't listen to them all the time when they're talking because they're talking all the time.
And they just talk whenever, they don't give a shit what you're doing, or if it's a good time.
I'm in a shootout with the cops and she's telling me all kinds of shit.
She doesn't care because she's 5. They're self-absorbed people, they have no ability.. No 5 year old goes, "No go ahead and finish, I'll tell you after it's fine." They just can't.
And sometimes it's impossible. The other day I was in New York City with my kids, and I got two of these fucking things, remember that please, 2 of 'em.
And we're in crowded streets and I got this one here a 2 year old and I'm carrying... She can walk but she won't, she's a bullshitter. So I'm carrying her.
And she weighs like 20 babies, this kid. She's tiny but she's got the density of a dying sun, I don't understand how she's this heavy.
It feels like a fat raccoon holding a bowling ball, that's what she feels like.
And the pain in my shoulder is intense. And it's sending signals to my brain like, "You don't love her, just drop her, she doesn't matter just let her die."
So I'm fighting that on this side. I got the 5 year old like this, I hope it's her I haven't looked back in about an hour. I'm just dragging somebody tiny.
Through many stranger's thighs. Breifcase corners are hitting her in the temple, I don't give a shit.
I'm in a hurry because my pocket's vibrating and my wife is calling to see where I am even though she sent me to do this shit.
And I'm yelling at my pocket like she can hear me, "I'm fucking coming, shut up!"
And this one is talking the whole time, the whole time. With a tiny voice two feet off the ground.
What? Am I gonna listen to this shit? Really?
What? Am I gonna take a knee every 2 seconds like, "What's that sweetie? Go ahead, what's that?" "Excuse ME sir!" "Go ahead, it's fine.
Yeah. Yeah sometimes dogs are brown that's very true. It's a good thing I didn't miss any of that shit coming out of your stupid face."
What kind of a father would I be? If I pretended to listen to that.
I remember the first time my daughter said a whole sentence, that was a big deal because she had never made a whole thought by herself, she just said her little words.
I was doing the dishes and I just hear, "Daddy, I don't like chicken."
I dropped the plate, my wife and I cried and hugged. It's a big moment.
A week later, I'm making dinner and she goes, "Daddy I dont like chicken."
"Well we're fucking having chicken, what are you talking about? I don't like chicken, I don't like you, I don't like people that make me work and don't appreciate what I make for them."
"You don't like chicken? Then make whatever the fuck you want, get out of your shitty little plastic chair and make your own dinner, whatever it is that you want so much.
"You'll like the chicken when I shove it up your ass 'cause that's where it's going if you don't eat it, seriously."
"I will grind it up in the KusineArt and blow it up your ass with a straw."
I got to feed her. She's gotta eat. When your kid won't eat, you just go crazy because you have a physical need to feed them, it's an instinct.
and when they're just sitting there looking at their food, you're like, "Just fucking eat it! You'll die you idiot, eat the food!"
"I don't like it." "It doesn't matter, put it in your face."
"They have your footprint at the hospital, they know that I have you, I'm not allowed letting you die you piece of shit, eat it!"
"You have a social security number, you're on the grid motherfucker, EAT!"
"If you're skinny, I go to jail, do you understand?"
And I love my kids and I'd die for them but my life fucking stinks.
It just does, it is what it is. When you're a parent, all the pleasures are gone.
Nobody fucks you ever again, that shit's just over. You can't sleep, you don't eat, you don't eat meals you just fast standing up, some macaroni and cheese that she didn't fucking eat, that's your dinner now."
"with people yelling at you." You don't have any fun, your single friend is like, "Did you see that movie?" "NO I didn't see the fucking movie, okay?"
And you can't even enjoy being a parent because there's no pride in it because we suck at it. Everybody sucks.
We make huge mistakes and then you just go, "whoops, permanent damage there, move on I guess."
My 5 year old has all these twitches and weird fears and I'm like, "good luck with that shit honey, that's all my handiwork"
"Sorry"
And it get's harder too, you think it's gonna get easier. When they're babies you think that's the hard part 'cause you gotta do everything.
You gotta feed them, you gotta put their clothes on, you gotta put them in the car, you gotta do everything.
But you think it's gonna get easier because they're gonna grow up and do all this shit for themselves, but they're not.
They're gonna grow up and be able to, but they fucking won't do it.
So it's actually easier when they're babies 'cause when you want them to eat you just take food and shove it in their face.
If you gotta put on a shoe you just take a foot and put the shoe on it.
Just pull her arms through the sweater.
Throw her in the car and kick the door closed.
And then you get the. Parent live for the tiny vacations from their kids, like when you put your kids in the car and you close their door and that little walk around to your own door.
It's like a Carnival cruise, it's just the greatest.
[relief] and you just stand at your door like, "Okay fuck that was bad, what'd I say? That shit was bad. Okay [exhales] oh hey everybody"
I was changing my daughter the other day, and she's too old for diapers now, but she's still in them and it's bad because this kid does not poop, this kid craps.
This is not okay anymore. I was changing her diaper the other day, it was like a 48 year old alcoholic man's shit in her diaper.
Like she was out all night drinking Jager
She went to Denny's and got a grand slam
Ate half of it, got into a fight in the parking lot.
Passed out in a pontiac and shit herself.
Her friends drove her home with the windows open and dumped her on my lawn
And now I gotta clean it and it's crazy, and you can't even react and go like, "What the fuck, that's disgusting!" You'll fuck 'em up about their own shit, you gotta be nice.
You open her diaper and it's just chaos in there, it's just bananas, it's just..
Every new shit amazes me, every one I'm like, "Okay wow, wha-what is that? You have been eating diarrhea for a week I think. 'Cause that's awful."
But you can't, you gotta be like, "Oh.. wow, you really got something there honey, that's really something. That's really okay, well let me scrap that off your knees for you."
"Just down off your back, let's get all this hazmat all in one place. Wipe you down, clean your tiny vagina in the end."
Who knew that THAT was gonna be my life. I had no idea that my relationship to the vagina was gonna be cleaning shit out of a tiny one several times a day.
They don't tell you that.
When you're getting ready to be a dad, nobody pulls you aside and says "You know you're gonna have to clean the vagina a lot because everytime she takes a shit it goes straight up her twat."
They don't tell you that.
Nobody tells you
And they should, it's a big part in being a dad. It's bigger than christmas, it happens everyday.
You gotta get it right, front to back. It's very important.
I'm glad I got girls though, girls are great, I don't want to clean shit off of some kid's balls. I'm glad that's not my job.
Boys, I feel weird about them. I have nephews and they play in the sprinkler naked with their little red dicks and I just don't like their little penises, it bothers me.
I just get this weird feeling like they're gonna come over and fuck my nose or something with their little dicks.
I know it's an irrational fear but it's very real to me.
I'm gonna fall asleep in a lawn chair and wake up like, "Fuck what are you doing? You're fucking my nose.."
"Neheee" "Fuck get out of there! Control your kids would ya? They're fucking my nose when I'm sleeping"
Boys are hard to raise, all my sisters have boys and I just feel for them 'cause it's really hard and really do.
Here's the thing though, girls are just as hard to raise but on a whole other level, they're different.
Here's the difference for me between boys and girls.
Boys fuck things up... Girls are fucked up.
That's the difference.
Boys just do damage to your house, that you can measure in dollars like a hurricane.
Girls like leave scars in your psyche that you find later like a genocide or atrocity.
Like my sister-in-law came over once with her little boy, he's like 4 years old and she's been with him all day so she's in bad shape.
She's got a drink and she's like, "I can't, I can't do it anymore, I can't do it."
And I put like an army blanket around her trying to calm her down.
And then her little boy walks up to her.
He's got a handful of sand, I don't know where he got it, there's no sand in my home.
He's got a handful of it, walks up to his mom and just throws it right in her drink.
It's all she had, and he just ruined it.
Really confident too, not like this, he was like, "Yeah this shit goes right there."
And I was blown away by this because I have girls, they wouldnt even dream of doing that. It wouldn't even enter their heads that a person could do that.
But they're fucked up.
Like my 5 year old the other day, one of her toys broke. And she demanded that I break her sister's toy to make it fair.
And I did.
That's how much shit she gave me, I broke the little toy and I felt awful I was like crying.
And I look at her and she's got this creepy smile on her face.
That's the difference between boys and girls, and it becomes the difference between men and women really
Because a man will like, steal your car, or burn your house down, or beat the shit outta you.
But a women will ruin your fucking life.
Do you see the difference?
Like a man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'll leave you as a human being intact.
He won't fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will shit inside of your heart.
My wife and I we've been married now for about 9 years now, so we're almost done.
After 9 years and 2 kids you start looking at eachother like, "No. We're not gonna just keep doing this, who would do that?"
We went to therapy for a while and the therapist is like, "You should go on a date." and I'm like, "Fuck you."
And I did go on a date with my wife and I don't think I'm gonna call her again. It wasn't really fun.
Somethings do get easier as you've been married for a while, you start to understand eachother better and you start looking at yourself more.
You spend a lot of your marriage looking at the other person and trying to change them or figure them out and then you start realizing what you're bringing to the table
And you blame them less for shit, y'know? Like my wife will never fuck me again I know that now.
I just feel differently about it, I used to get mad like, "She hasn't fucked me in months, how could she do that to me?"
Now I look at myself and I'm like, "How did she fuck me for years?!" She fucked me for years!
She couldn't possibly have enjoyed most of those fucks. Which means she took about 500 for the team. You gotta respect that shit.
'Cause it's hard for women to have sex if they don't feel like it, it's not a skill they have generally.
Men have it, that's just different, we have different sexual skills.
Men can fuck whatever, we don't care. We'll fuck you even if we don't like you, everybody knows that.
But, we'll fuck you even if we don't feel like fucking you. Even if we're not hard we'll be like, "I'll fuck you, give me a second, I'll find a way."
We don't care, we'll fuck THINGS. We'll fuck a rusty keyhole nailed to a donkey's ass, we don't give a shit.
We are jizz on demand, we just don't care.
Women have another skill that they can decide whether or not to have sex with their minds, which is amazing to me.
Women can decide not to fuck, in the middle of fucking. That is so weird to me, that they can just stop 'cause of some other shit that distracted them.
If I'm fucking you, you could show me a picture of you cutting my mom's head off.
And I'll be like, "Whoa, hmm. Soon as I cum, we're gonna have a talk about that picture."
'Cause I need to cum, I need to. Cumming is a need, I came the first time when I was 12 and I haven't skipped a day.
I cum everyday, and I've fucked maybe 20 times in my life so.. It's just been me doing most of the work.
I jerk off way too much and it upsets me, I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's so selfish. But I know it's bad, I know I'm hurting somebody somewhere.
I was thinking the other day that you can figure out how bad of a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited.
And for me, it was between the two buildings going down. So I had a feeling that..
I had to do it, I had to! Otherwise they win, that's the way I thought of it at the time. Strange thoughts for all of us.
I know you all waited a whole week 'cause you're awesome, but I just couldn't do it.
A boner is a boner, it's gotta go, something's gotta happen.
Boners just ruin everything and I really hate boners, I hate every one I've every had.
I remember the first one, I was 9. That's the worst thing about a little boy's life is that you start getting boners when you're 9 and you don't cum for 3 fucking years.
It's 3 years of just vicious little boners.
That don't go away, you just pass out moaning in a ditch somewhere and you wake up and you're still hard.
It's awful! If you ever see a 9 year old on the street just give him 20 bucks 'cause he's very unhappy.
Or suck his dick, however you feel like you can help him out.
I remember being 9 and being hard and not knowing why, or what to do. I just would rub my dick against stuff, that's all I did.
If I was standing infront of a car I'd just press it against the car like, "[moans] aww, it's warm from the sun, this is good"
I used to run home from school after school so I could fuck my house, I would just fuck the house.
I'd fuck the walls and the floor. If you have a 9 year old boy at home, he's fucking your house right now.
'Cause that what we do. I had a corderoy couch, that couch was my bitch I just fucked it all day, just humping with no results just frustrated.
I used to do weird things with my dick too, I'd just like close it in the refrigerator door, I don't know why I just liked the pressure.
I liked that one side was metal and the other side was that accordion-like rubber with the magnet in it, just [moans] the cold air on my balls.
"This is good, this is good, I don't know why but this is good."
I don't know how I ever got laid really, 'cause I was awful at it, I still am. I never really understood like..
There's guys that just have this confidence like when they go out with a girl they know when to lean in a kiss her and shit, I just couldn't I'd be like, "[stutters] Can I fuck you?" Just blert it out.
I remember one night, I was with a girl, I was like 20 years old I was already doing stand up and I did a show in Washington D.C and after the show one of the waitresses came back to the hotel she was really cute.
And we're making out in my hotel and she's into it, she's like humping me, so I start putting my hand up her shirt and she stops me. So I'm like, "hm, okay."
So then we're making out more so I start putting my hand on her ass and she stops me, so after a while she went home and nothing happened.
And then the next night I saw her in the club and she goes, "Hey what happened last night?"
I was like, "What?" and she's like, "How come we didn't have sex?" I was like, "'cause you didn't want to."
She's like, "Yes I did, I was really into it." I say, "Well why did you keep stopping me?" and she goes, "'cause I wanted you to just go for it."
I was like, "What does that mean?" She says, "I'm kinda weird, I get turned on when a guy just gets frustrated and just holds me down and fucks me, like that's a big turn on for me."
I was like, "Well you should have told me! I would have happily done that for you." and she goes, "No, it has to feel real and dangerous."
I'm like, "What are you out of your fucking mind? You think I'm just gonna rape you on the off chance that hopefully you're into that shit?"
"What kind of idiot... I'm getting kinda a rape-y vibe from this girl, I don't know, I suspect she might enjoy being raped, maybe that's her thing.
I don't wanna ask first and ruin it so I'm just gonna take a shot and rape her, what the hell, what's the worst that could happen after all?"
Jesus. Anyway, that's all history. Sex for me is gone. It's just my wife and me.
And it's sad because my wife is beautiful, I love to look at her and feel for her. She's gorgeous she just turned 40 and she's awesome.
And it's not because she looks younger than 40, she looks like she's 40 on the nose. I just like that.
I never knew I would but I find it really sexy that I like "women women" she's got grey streaks in her hair and I find that sexy, I really do.
She's got strong arms from picking up the kids, she's strong and sexy on a whole other level.
She's changing, she smells different, she used to have blue eyes, they're black now! She's intense, kinda crazy looking.
All these lines in her face from all the shit I did to her. She's got character.
She looks like one of those pictures from the depression of the dustbowl farmers.
She's intense, I like it, it turns me on. That's what I like now, I like "women women."
Girls I'm done a long time ago. 22 year old girls, god bless you, go do a shot, whatever the fuck you do with your time.
"Wooooo" That's not me anymore. I like women, and I know that's offensive to 22 year old girls like, "I'm a woman too, I'm totally a woman."
Not to me, sorry. To me, you're not a woman until you have a couple of kids and your life is in the toilet, that's really when you become a women.
Is when people come out of your vagina and step on your dreams.
If you're still standing after that shit, you are a woman.
If you're still going to clubs and you have a pony tail and a little dress and you're standing outside of a club waiting to get in and it's 2 degrees, you're like "It's gonna be great in there!" You're a girl.
I wanna give you a sweater and a ride home, I don't wanna fuck you. I'll jerk off to you but I don't wanna fuck you and get involved.
I do wanna fuck you but you won't fuck me so fuck you anyway.
I would, oh I'd totally fuck you. But-
There's just a difference between girls and women and it's not just age, there's a reason why they call it "Girl's Gone Wild"
You notice there's not women gone wild, 'cause no one would fucking by the wild women dvd.
Because when girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub, that's what wild women do.
They don't show their tits to no body, they fuck with their bras on, it's a whole other thing.
Try taking your 40 year old wife's picture when she comes outta the shower, "Fuck you, get the fuck outta here."
It's not funny, you thought it would be cute like "Don't" she's like "FUCK OFF"
"Sorry.." 'Cause she doesn't have tits anymore, she has breasts that need to be checked and maintained.
I get bills for my wife's breasts that's some grown up woman shit right there.
Girl's have the titties with the little perky nipples, and that's awesome. But you're not a woman until you get long chewed up nipples.
And you're not a man until you've sucked one of those fucking things either by the way.
Thank you very much folks, I hope you had a good time. Thank you, good night.
[crowd cheers]
Hello, alright... thank you, alright faggot how you doin'
Sorry, I called him a faggot.
I miss that word, k'now, I grew up saying that word and,
I mean, it never ment gay.
When I was a kid, I didn't even know what gay was,
I hadn't been told that people do that, I had no fucking idea.
Faggot didn't mean gay. When I was a kid, you called
someone a faggot because they were being a faggot, y'know.
Someone's just being a faggot. "Neee," Shut up faggot.
"You're not supposed to use those for that."
Shut up faggot.
I would never call a gay guy a faggot, unless he was being a faggot. But not because he's gay, do you understand?
If I saw two guys blowing each other, I don't know why
I'm watching them do it, but if I just happened to.
I stumble upon a couple of fellas blowing one another on
their respective "penisia"
That's plural for penis that I invented today... "penisia"
I would be respectful to them, y'know, "Hello gentlemen."
But if one of them took the dick out of his mouth and
started acting all faggy and saying annoying faggy things.
"You know people from Phoenix are Phoenisians" or
something like that.
I'd be like "hey shut up faggot, FAAAAGGGOOT"
Quit being a faggot and suck that dick,
that's what I would say to them.
I don't know, I wouldn't call someone a mean name for sucking a dick, because if you suck a dick, that's awesome, I respect you.
Because I can't do it, I mean I haven't tried and failed, I just,
I put myself there in my mind and I couldn't do it because
I'm afraid, that's the only reason
That's why, if you can suck a dick I think that there's
a strength in being able to do that, I believe that.
I don't believe that blowing somebody comes easily to anybody,
even if it's something you generally do, every new dick
must take somethin' outta you.
There must be something you gotta do to get yourself ready,
y'know, "[clears throat] okay, here we go"
[exhales] "ahaha, you.. I'm gonna suck ya"
"muahaha oookay, HERE WE GO!"
So, faggot, I don't know.
A lot of words that are not bad words, but some people start
using them a lot to hurt other people and then they become
bad and become hard to use.
There's words that I love that I can't use because other
people use them wrong to hurt other people.
Like the word cunt is a beautiful word, to me there's just
beauty in that word, and I mean like asthetically it's chocolate-y
and round on the ends.
I just... cunt, I just like the way it sounds. I don't use
it as an insult, I'll be alone in the laundry like "cunt, cunt" I
just like saying it
I would never call a woman a cunt, except for my mom
because she likes it for some weird reason, but..
it's a very misused word, it's supposed to mean vagina, which
I don't think works at all because vagina's are so sweet
they're little pretty things with flow pedal-y lips. I hear
a piccalo in my head everytime I see a vagina.
Even for vaginas that's too harsh,
they should be called like "fala-lala"
There should be a butterfly fluttering around every vagina
just all the time, a little butterfly.
You go to the doctor and he's like "Well the butterfly looks good
so we're in good shape"
How do you look at something that pretty and say
"That's a CUNT" that doesn't fit at all.
Maybe if it was a giant vagina and it was attacking a town and throwing buses around and knocking over telephone poles
Then you can say "Hey, somebody shoot that cunt with a bazooka!"
It's gonna step on the candy store!
So, faggot, cunt. Everybody has different words that offend them. Different things that they hear and get offended by.
To me, the thing that offends me the most is when I hear someone say "the N-word"
not nigger by the way, I mean "the N-word," literally whenever a white lady on CNN says "the N-word" that's just white people getting away with saying nigger.
They found a way to say nigger, "N-word", it's bullshit because when you say "the N-word" you're putting nigger in the listener's head. That's what saying a word is.
You say "the N-word" and I go "Oh, she means nigger," you're making ME say it in my head. Why don't YOU fucking say it instead and take responsibility.
With the shitty words you wanna say, just say it, don't hide behind
the first letter like a faggot. Just say nigger you stupid cunt.
I don't know, I don't care.
Somebody'll kick my ass, I mean all this shit goes on in my head, I don't really... I thought the word nigger the other day, it wasn't even racist.
Let me tell you what happened, I went to a coffee place. It was a cool indie place, I don't like starbucks anymore because they don't care anymore.
They just press a button and some old lady's diarrhea comes out and they just give it to you.
So I go to a young people's cool coffee place with all the band's playing notice on the walls, it's called like "The Howling Dew" or something.
The dude behind the counter has like a tight t-shirt and a pony tail and he's like "hey what's up man"
And I was like "Hey can I get a cappuccino?" and he's like "Yeah, right on, totally," like he's amazed that he can help me.
"Oh yeah, I got all the stuff right here, this is awesome!"
And so he starts making my coffee, he worked so hard. He grounded the beans just for that one cup and put them in the thing and tamped them with this old thing
[click clakity click] and he took the milk and he frothed it like for an hour and he banged it on the counter and I don't know why but it was awesome, he scooped it in and put a little cocoa on it.
and he's like "Here ya go man," and I was just blown away and for some reason as I left there, the thought in my head was "That nigger made the shit outta my coffee"
I don't know why, he wasn't black, that was just what was in my heart for some reason was "that nigger made the shit outta my coffee"
I don't know, I don't care
I'm all sweaty, I don't feel good. I ate too much and masturbated too recently, y'know that kinda..
y'know it's bad to like jerk off and run out the door 'cause you run into somebody like "uggh, she knows," you gotta like take some time along to process the shame.
I just can't stop eating, today I weighed myself, I don't know why, I'm not using the information, it's not guiding my behaviour why am I bothering to find out exactly how much of a piece of shit I am.
I weighed myself and I usually hover around 230...
240 today, I weight 240 pounds, which is not okay.
You know like when you go to the doctor they give you like a formula for how much you should weigh? I'm pretty sure it's not your age plus 200 pounds.
That doesn't seem like..
Like, I was watching a boxing match today, and both guys, they weighed a hundred and ten pounds each.
So, both of those guys still need a fat baby and a dead dog to make me.
And it's really bad 'cause I'm 40, and my doctor's like, "Yeah, you gotta be less people... you can't be so much... He just told me, "This is bad."
And he starts asking me about my eating habits, you know, like there's habits, like there's a pattern.
It's just chaos, and awfulness. It's just depesperate, constant... He's like, "How many meals and how many bowel movements a day?"
I'm like, I have no idea, I have no idea. It's just a blur, I'm just shittin' and eatin' all day.
I fill, pack my body to capacity and then blow it out my asshole, that's it.
Every shit is an emergency. Does that give you some idea? Of my eating habits?
And he's trying to get a handle on my... He's like, "Dude, okay look, how long, how soon into a meal do you typically feel full and stop eating?"
I'm like, "I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself. That's when I, that's when I stop."
I guess normal people eat 'til they're like, "Oh, that's, I guess that's all the nutrition I require, right there, I just reached it.
I will cease the intake now... and convert this into useful energy throughout the day."
No. Every time I eat it ends with me, "Why the fuck did I eat that? Dude, get it away, I don't wanna look at that shit, that's uggghh....
It's all right here too, it's like ucckkhhh. [exhales]
I got syrup in my veins, like for blood, I got syrup. It's gonna be bad later, ugggh." I can't take care of myself.
And I'm always, just uncomfortable. Just sweaty, and just... like, this is, such a bummer. Like... it's my nightmare, it's my whole life.
Best thing that ever happened to me was boxer briefs. I'm so happy about boxer briefs. It doesn't seem like a big deal to most people,
but before boxer briefs I was trapped between the two awful worlds of briefs and boxers.
Briefs, briefs are for a normal man with one leg here and one leg here. Two
totally separate legs, with a whole area between, and the briefs go up into this little valley, this little area,
and they come down like this, and they can just tuck up in there and just hold them nicely because he's
got all that air and negative space. But this is just, all just mashed together, just upsetting, sting-y,
red, sweaty, just like... This looks like a pig's ass when I'm naked. Like even my dick is curly like the
tail... This is a pig's ass. And I pull briefs on and they're just go "Grrrrrrunhhh!" and they just grab
my dick and balls, "Here's your balls, you fat bastard, you like that?!" And they just dig up in there
with this viciously sharp cotton, and "Owwww!" And after a while I have just this wad of just damp cloth,
just a wad of wet cotton, just like the size of a tennis ball, like a huge wad of wet cotton. And boxers were
worse because they're, just they just let everything flap around, and touch each other, and upset each other... I need everything to be segregated down here.
I went 'cause my ankle, I was like limping for a month out of no where, and the doctor, he brings me and shows me an xray of my ankle and he's like
"Yeah your ankle is just worn out"
I was like "What do you mean, I injured my ankle?" and he's like "No, it's just shitty now."
"You see that dark area? Bleck, it's all hardened... they get like that and they're not good anymore."
I was like "Well goodbye? There's nothing? There's no option, it's just incurable shitty ankle? That's it?"
And he goes, "Well, there's things you can do... you can stretch for half hour a day you should stretch your ankle"
I was like, "How long will that take to fix it?" and he's like "No, you just do that now, that's just a new thing you do, until you and your shitty ankle both die."
I was like, "Dude this hurts a lot" and he goes, "Well you can take Aleve, just take Aleve, you can buy it and just take it, and you can take whatever amount, it doesn't matter don't pay attention to the dosage"
I'm like "really?" and he goes "Yeah, you can take 10 a day, you'd be fine," he say take 10 Aleve a day..
I said, "Doesn't that stuff like hurt your intestines?" he goes, "Oh yeah, it'll do some intestinal damage after a while, but you just gotta weigh that against how much you like your ankle not hurting."
This is all totally true by the way, this is exactly what happened. And at one point I was like "What if I was like an athlete or something?" he goes, "You're not an athlete.."
"So no to whatever else you were about to say"
It's bleak. It's harder for old people. My grandmother is 95, she can't see out of her left eye, it just shut off...
The last time we went to see her she's like "I can't see out of my left eye" and we're all like, "Uggh, hey what was chistmas like in the '40s?"
Maybe that'd run out the clock on the eye thing if we're luck, y'know?
So I go to her doctor, he's always at the end of the hall like 8 feet away from her. So I go to the doctor and say "She can't see out of her left eye at all."
And I swear to god he goes, "Well she's probably got a bunch of tumors in her head."
I swear to god, that's exactly what he said... I remember it because I was blown away by how none of his education he applied to this paticular diagnosis.
He said that she's PROBABLY got a bunch of tumors in her HEAD. He's a doctor and he called it her head.. he almost said "fucking head" I swear to god.
Like that's what he was thinking, "she's probably got a bunch of tumors in her fucking head, who gives a shit that old cunt will be dead in a week, I ain't gonna get up outta my desk because of her eye"
"What does she need two eyes to see the shitty place you fucking put her because you don't love her enough"
I ain't there yet, I'm halfway there. 40 year old guys are not good specimens either.
I have a friend who has a lot of young girlfriends and he goes a little too young.
And it's not okay, he brings them around and you're like "Dude.. don't" like I literally pointed at her face and said "Don't fuck her, that's awful" because it's just bad, y'know?
But so he was going to hav esex with her one night and he said he wanted to go all night, like he really wanted to last a long time, so he said "I'm gonna drink a lot of milk so I can have a lot of sex"
I was like, "Who told you that that mattered?" and he goes, "Well you can cum more if you drink milk"
This guy actually thinks that you run outta cum but if you drink milk your body goes, "Oh dude that's perfect! Just send that right through"
"Nobody will know the difference, just send it through"
You run outta cum and milk it doesn't matter just send it right through.. spray it all over his cat's face, whatever he was doing...
What? I'll cum on my cat's face.
If she's watching, she's gonna get a face full of cum, she knows that by now. It's her fault now.
Cum on my cat's face once, shame on me...
...I don't have a cat, I never had one. I mean would cum on a cat's face I'm not trying to take that back, I just don't happen to have a cat.
I have a dog, and I had a dog when I was a teenager and... yeah, I did once, I- I made my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls.
Which is something you know can't un-know. You just know it. I did this.
And I only hesitated to start the sentence only because I wasn't sure whether to say that I LET my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls or that I MADE him...
And really, considering how much dogs love cheese I think I made him an offer that he couldn't refuse I think that's probably the fairest way to put it.
I remember it so clearly, and I remember the look on the dog's face, he was like "aww fuck, dude what's wrong with you?"
"Why are you doing this to us? Just put it on a plate, why do I have to lick it off your god damn balls?"
"Alright fine, let's do it, I'm doing it I don't care, look you gotta live with it 'cause I'll be dead in like 2 years I'm a dog, this is your problem."
Sorry I'm being so negative... I'm a bummer, I don't know, I shouldn't be, I'm a lucky guy I got a lot going for me. I'm healthy, I'm relatively young. I'm white which thank god for that shit.
That is a huge leg up, are you kiddin' me? Oh god I love being white, I really do. Seriously if you're not white you are missing out because this shit is thoroughly good.
Let me be clear by the way, I'm not saying white people are better. I'm saying that being white is clearly better, who could even argue?
If it was an option, I would re-up every year. "Oh I'll take white again, I'm absolutely enjoying it, I'll stick with white thank you."
Here's how great it is to be white. I can get into a time machine and go to any time and it would be fucking awesome when I get there
That is exclusively a white privilege. Black people can't fuck with time machines, a black guy in a time machine would be like "Hey anything before 1980 no thank you"
But I can go to any time, the year 2, I don't even know what was happening then but I know when I get there, "Welcome we have a table right here for you sir."
"Thank you, it's lovely here in the year 2."
I can go to any time. In the past, I don't want to go to the future and find out what happens to white people because we're gonna pay hard for this shit, you gotta know that.
We're not gonna just fall from number 1 to 2. They're gonna hold us down and fuck us in the ass forever.. and we totally deserve it but for now "weeeeee"
Now if you're white and you don't admit that it's great, you're an asshole
It is great, and I'm a man. How many advantages can one person have I'm a white man, you can't even hurt my feelings.
What can you really call a white man that really digs deep? "Hey cracker!" "Uggh, ruined me day, boy shouldn't have called me a cracker. Bringing me back to owning land and people, what a drag."
I am married though, that takes me down a few pegs.
The other night, my wife sent me to Walgreens to get toilet paper because we were out of toilet paper because I had thrown it all in the garbage so I could get out of the house...
So I'm driving to Walgreens, it was nightime and I see a deer and I fucking hate deer, I hate them because they're everywhere up there.
I used to live in the city and I loved deer then because I was liberal and in the city and I'd see deer when you drive out with your friends out to the country
and you see a deer and everybody is like, "Turn off the car, don't scare it, it's just so beautiful, look at the beautiful deer, look how he looks around it's just so mysterious and beautiful.
God gave us a gift everybody just enjoy the gift of the beautiful deer"
But now I live, and deer are in my fucking yard everyday and they suck, they're just rats with hooves
They don't matter. They have ticks that give you lime disease and they shit everywhere and they make a noise, did you know that? They go [scoffs]. They're assholes.
They're shit animals. I go out every morning and throw rocks at them and I try really hard to them on the head with rocks.
And they don't care, they're like [farts][scoffs], they don't care.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing. I wouldn't feel anything.
I'd just go, "Oh look, he's dead, that's interesting. I guess that's what happens when you shoot them in the fucking mouth."
I'd go out of my way to kill a deer, I would happily blow 20 guys in an alley with bleeding dicks so I could get AIDS and then fuck a deer and kill it with my AIDS, I would do that in a second
I mean it, I mean it.
So I see this deer and this is how dumb they are. I hit him with my headlights and he does "DUH," that whole thing.
And they he won't just go, he's like "Can I go? Can I- Can I go?" and I'm like, "Fucking GO!" "I don't know if I can, I don't-"
"Just GOOO!" And I try to get away from him and then I see him and he looks at me and [AHHH] he panics.
I swear, and he ran and smashed his body into my fucking car, like just [thud]. Destroyed my mirror, just shattered my mirror. He broke his neck, I heard him break his own fucking neck.
And then he just dragged his stupid deer head into the woods and he died.
And I'm glad he's dead. I was glad right away. I got outta my car and I yelled into the woods,
"I'm glad you're dead you fucking idiot! I hope your deer wife finds you dead and dies of a broken heart. I hope your deer babies starve to death, you broke my mirror you faggot, cunt, nigger deer."
So I go to Walgreens.. I just kept going.
I gotta by drugs all the time 'cause I got kids. Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.
And you get sick from them all the time. Last week I had a flu that I caught because my daughter coughed into my mouth.
Just [achoo], hit my right in the back of the throat.
I'm like, "Thank honey, I'm sick right now I can feel it already."
She did this by the way because she was trying to tell me a secret.
And she thinks you tell secrets into people's mouths.
She takes her whole face, [whispers] [coughs].
Which is inconsiderate, borderline retarded behaviour if you ask me.
And by the way, she's 5. 5 years old, what secret does she really have that I really need to hear..
Like she's gonna tell me a secret and I'm gonna go "Holy shit are you serious?
Oh my god. Honey, I won't tell anybody but that is fucked up though, seriously. She got an abortion on christmas eve? Oh my god."
She's 5. 5 years old, do you know what that means? Nothing that she says matters.
She's never said anything actually important in her entire life.
I literally could have missed every word this fucking kid has ever said and nothing would be different.
Everything would be exactly the same. I enjoy the things she says, they're beautiful and poetic and I love hearing them but I don't have to fucking hear any of it.
And that's an important distinction. If you're a parent, you just start making it because you can't listen to them all the time when they're talking because they're talking all the time.
And they just talk whenever, they don't give a shit what you're doing, or if it's a good time.
I'm in a shootout with the cops and she's telling me all kinds of shit.
She doesn't care because she's 5. They're self-absorbed people, they have no ability.. No 5 year old goes, "No go ahead and finish, I'll tell you after it's fine." They just can't.
And sometimes it's impossible. The other day I was in New York City with my kids, and I got two of these fucking things, remember that please, 2 of 'em.
And we're in crowded streets and I got this one here a 2 year old and I'm carrying... She can walk but she won't, she's a bullshitter. So I'm carrying her.
And she weighs like 20 babies, this kid. She's tiny but she's got the density of a dying sun, I don't understand how she's this heavy.
It feels like a fat raccoon holding a bowling ball, that's what she feels like.
And the pain in my shoulder is intense. And it's sending signals to my brain like, "You don't love her, just drop her, she doesn't matter just let her die."
So I'm fighting that on this side. I got the 5 year old like this, I hope it's her I haven't looked back in about an hour. I'm just dragging somebody tiny.
Through many stranger's thighs. Breifcase corners are hitting her in the temple, I don't give a shit.
I'm in a hurry because my pocket's vibrating and my wife is calling to see where I am even though she sent me to do this shit.
And I'm yelling at my pocket like she can hear me, "I'm fucking coming, shut up!"
And this one is talking the whole time, the whole time. With a tiny voice two feet off the ground.
What? Am I gonna listen to this shit? Really?
What? Am I gonna take a knee every 2 seconds like, "What's that sweetie? Go ahead, what's that?" "Excuse ME sir!" "Go ahead, it's fine.
Yeah. Yeah sometimes dogs are brown that's very true. It's a good thing I didn't miss any of that shit coming out of your stupid face."
What kind of a father would I be? If I pretended to listen to that.
I remember the first time my daughter said a whole sentence, that was a big deal because she had never made a whole thought by herself, she just said her little words.
I was doing the dishes and I just hear, "Daddy, I don't like chicken."
I dropped the plate, my wife and I cried and hugged. It's a big moment.
A week later, I'm making dinner and she goes, "Daddy I dont like chicken."
"Well we're fucking having chicken, what are you talking about? I don't like chicken, I don't like you, I don't like people that make me work and don't appreciate what I make for them."
"You don't like chicken? Then make whatever the fuck you want, get out of your shitty little plastic chair and make your own dinner, whatever it is that you want so much.
"You'll like the chicken when I shove it up your ass 'cause that's where it's going if you don't eat it, seriously."
"I will grind it up in the KusineArt and blow it up your ass with a straw."
I got to feed her. She's gotta eat. When your kid won't eat, you just go crazy because you have a physical need to feed them, it's an instinct.
and when they're just sitting there looking at their food, you're like, "Just fucking eat it! You'll die you idiot, eat the food!"
"I don't like it." "It doesn't matter, put it in your face."
"They have your footprint at the hospital, they know that I have you, I'm not allowed letting you die you piece of shit, eat it!"
"You have a social security number, you're on the grid motherfucker, EAT!"
"If you're skinny, I go to jail, do you understand?"
And I love my kids and I'd die for them but my life fucking stinks.
It just does, it is what it is. When you're a parent, all the pleasures are gone.
Nobody fucks you ever again, that shit's just over. You can't sleep, you don't eat, you don't eat meals you just fast standing up, some macaroni and cheese that she didn't fucking eat, that's your dinner now."
"with people yelling at you." You don't have any fun, your single friend is like, "Did you see that movie?" "NO I didn't see the fucking movie, okay?"
And you can't even enjoy being a parent because there's no pride in it because we suck at it. Everybody sucks.
We make huge mistakes and then you just go, "whoops, permanent damage there, move on I guess."
My 5 year old has all these twitches and weird fears and I'm like, "good luck with that shit honey, that's all my handiwork"
"Sorry"
And it get's harder too, you think it's gonna get easier. When they're babies you think that's the hard part 'cause you gotta do everything.
You gotta feed them, you gotta put their clothes on, you gotta put them in the car, you gotta do everything.
But you think it's gonna get easier because they're gonna grow up and do all this shit for themselves, but they're not.
They're gonna grow up and be able to, but they fucking won't do it.
So it's actually easier when they're babies 'cause when you want them to eat you just take food and shove it in their face.
If you gotta put on a shoe you just take a foot and put the shoe on it.
Just pull her arms through the sweater.
Throw her in the car and kick the door closed.
And then you get the. Parent live for the tiny vacations from their kids, like when you put your kids in the car and you close their door and that little walk around to your own door.
It's like a Carnival cruise, it's just the greatest.
[relief] and you just stand at your door like, "Okay fuck that was bad, what'd I say? That shit was bad. Okay [exhales] oh hey everybody"
I was changing my daughter the other day, and she's too old for diapers now, but she's still in them and it's bad because this kid does not poop, this kid craps.
This is not okay anymore. I was changing her diaper the other day, it was like a 48 year old alcoholic man's shit in her diaper.
Like she was out all night drinking Jager
She went to Denny's and got a grand slam
Ate half of it, got into a fight in the parking lot.
Passed out in a pontiac and shit herself.
Her friends drove her home with the windows open and dumped her on my lawn
And now I gotta clean it and it's crazy, and you can't even react and go like, "What the fuck, that's disgusting!" You'll fuck 'em up about their own shit, you gotta be nice.
You open her diaper and it's just chaos in there, it's just bananas, it's just..
Every new shit amazes me, every one I'm like, "Okay wow, wha-what is that? You have been eating diarrhea for a week I think. 'Cause that's awful."
But you can't, you gotta be like, "Oh.. wow, you really got something there honey, that's really something. That's really okay, well let me scrap that off your knees for you."
"Just down off your back, let's get all this hazmat all in one place. Wipe you down, clean your tiny vagina in the end."
Who knew that THAT was gonna be my life. I had no idea that my relationship to the vagina was gonna be cleaning shit out of a tiny one several times a day.
They don't tell you that.
When you're getting ready to be a dad, nobody pulls you aside and says "You know you're gonna have to clean the vagina a lot because everytime she takes a shit it goes straight up her twat."
They don't tell you that.
Nobody tells you
And they should, it's a big part in being a dad. It's bigger than christmas, it happens everyday.
You gotta get it right, front to back. It's very important.
I'm glad I got girls though, girls are great, I don't want to clean shit off of some kid's balls. I'm glad that's not my job.
Boys, I feel weird about them. I have nephews and they play in the sprinkler naked with their little red dicks and I just don't like their little penises, it bothers me.
I just get this weird feeling like they're gonna come over and fuck my nose or something with their little dicks.
I know it's an irrational fear but it's very real to me.
I'm gonna fall asleep in a lawn chair and wake up like, "Fuck what are you doing? You're fucking my nose.."
"Neheee" "Fuck get out of there! Control your kids would ya? They're fucking my nose when I'm sleeping"
Boys are hard to raise, all my sisters have boys and I just feel for them 'cause it's really hard and really do.
Here's the thing though, girls are just as hard to raise but on a whole other level, they're different.
Here's the difference for me between boys and girls.
Boys fuck things up... Girls are fucked up.
That's the difference.
Boys just do damage to your house, that you can measure in dollars like a hurricane.
Girls like leave scars in your psyche that you find later like a genocide or atrocity.
Like my sister-in-law came over once with her little boy, he's like 4 years old and she's been with him all day so she's in bad shape.
She's got a drink and she's like, "I can't, I can't do it anymore, I can't do it."
And I put like an army blanket around her trying to calm her down.
And then her little boy walks up to her.
He's got a handful of sand, I don't know where he got it, there's no sand in my home.
He's got a handful of it, walks up to his mom and just throws it right in her drink.
It's all she had, and he just ruined it.
Really confident too, not like this, he was like, "Yeah this shit goes right there."
And I was blown away by this because I have girls, they wouldnt even dream of doing that. It wouldn't even enter their heads that a person could do that.
But they're fucked up.
Like my 5 year old the other day, one of her toys broke. And she demanded that I break her sister's toy to make it fair.
And I did.
That's how much shit she gave me, I broke the little toy and I felt awful I was like crying.
And I look at her and she's got this creepy smile on her face.
That's the difference between boys and girls, and it becomes the difference between men and women really
Because a man will like, steal your car, or burn your house down, or beat the shit outta you.
But a women will ruin your fucking life.
Do you see the difference?
Like a man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'll leave you as a human being intact.
He won't fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will shit inside of your heart.
My wife and I we've been married now for about 9 years now, so we're almost done.
After 9 years and 2 kids you start looking at eachother like, "No. We're not gonna just keep doing this, who would do that?"
We went to therapy for a while and the therapist is like, "You should go on a date." and I'm like, "Fuck you."
And I did go on a date with my wife and I don't think I'm gonna call her again. It wasn't really fun.
Somethings do get easier as you've been married for a while, you start to understand eachother better and you start looking at yourself more.
You spend a lot of your marriage looking at the other person and trying to change them or figure them out and then you start realizing what you're bringing to the table
And you blame them less for shit, y'know? Like my wife will never fuck me again I know that now.
I just feel differently about it, I used to get mad like, "She hasn't fucked me in months, how could she do that to me?"
Now I look at myself and I'm like, "How did she fuck me for years?!" She fucked me for years!
She couldn't possibly have enjoyed most of those fucks. Which means she took about 500 for the team. You gotta respect that shit.
'Cause it's hard for women to have sex if they don't feel like it, it's not a skill they have generally.
Men have it, that's just different, we have different sexual skills.
Men can fuck whatever, we don't care. We'll fuck you even if we don't like you, everybody knows that.
But, we'll fuck you even if we don't feel like fucking you. Even if we're not hard we'll be like, "I'll fuck you, give me a second, I'll find a way."
We don't care, we'll fuck THINGS. We'll fuck a rusty keyhole nailed to a donkey's ass, we don't give a shit.
We are jizz on demand, we just don't care.
Women have another skill that they can decide whether or not to have sex with their minds, which is amazing to me.
Women can decide not to fuck, in the middle of fucking. That is so weird to me, that they can just stop 'cause of some other shit that distracted them.
If I'm fucking you, you could show me a picture of you cutting my mom's head off.
And I'll be like, "Whoa, hmm. Soon as I cum, we're gonna have a talk about that picture."
'Cause I need to cum, I need to. Cumming is a need, I came the first time when I was 12 and I haven't skipped a day.
I cum everyday, and I've fucked maybe 20 times in my life so.. It's just been me doing most of the work.
I jerk off way too much and it upsets me, I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's so selfish. But I know it's bad, I know I'm hurting somebody somewhere.
I was thinking the other day that you can figure out how bad of a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited.
And for me, it was between the two buildings going down. So I had a feeling that..
I had to do it, I had to! Otherwise they win, that's the way I thought of it at the time. Strange thoughts for all of us.
I know you all waited a whole week 'cause you're awesome, but I just couldn't do it.
A boner is a boner, it's gotta go, something's gotta happen.
Boners just ruin everything and I really hate boners, I hate every one I've every had.
I remember the first one, I was 9. That's the worst thing about a little boy's life is that you start getting boners when you're 9 and you don't cum for 3 fucking years.
It's 3 years of just vicious little boners.
That don't go away, you just pass out moaning in a ditch somewhere and you wake up and you're still hard.
It's awful! If you ever see a 9 year old on the street just give him 20 bucks 'cause he's very unhappy.
Or suck his dick, however you feel like you can help him out.
I remember being 9 and being hard and not knowing why, or what to do. I just would rub my dick against stuff, that's all I did.
If I was standing infront of a car I'd just press it against the car like, "[moans] aww, it's warm from the sun, this is good"
I used to run home from school after school so I could fuck my house, I would just fuck the house.
I'd fuck the walls and the floor. If you have a 9 year old boy at home, he's fucking your house right now.
'Cause that what we do. I had a corderoy couch, that couch was my bitch I just fucked it all day, just humping with no results just frustrated.
I used to do weird things with my dick too, I'd just like close it in the refrigerator door, I don't know why I just liked the pressure.
I liked that one side was metal and the other side was that accordion-like rubber with the magnet in it, just [moans] the cold air on my balls.
"This is good, this is good, I don't know why but this is good."
I don't know how I ever got laid really, 'cause I was awful at it, I still am. I never really understood like..
There's guys that just have this confidence like when they go out with a girl they know when to lean in a kiss her and shit, I just couldn't I'd be like, "[stutters] Can I fuck you?" Just blert it out.
I remember one night, I was with a girl, I was like 20 years old I was already doing stand up and I did a show in Washington D.C and after the show one of the waitresses came back to the hotel she was really cute.
And we're making out in my hotel and she's into it, she's like humping me, so I start putting my hand up her shirt and she stops me. So I'm like, "hm, okay."
So then we're making out more so I start putting my hand on her ass and she stops me, so after a while she went home and nothing happened.
And then the next night I saw her in the club and she goes, "Hey what happened last night?"
I was like, "What?" and she's like, "How come we didn't have sex?" I was like, "'cause you didn't want to."
She's like, "Yes I did, I was really into it." I say, "Well why did you keep stopping me?" and she goes, "'cause I wanted you to just go for it."
I was like, "What does that mean?" She says, "I'm kinda weird, I get turned on when a guy just gets frustrated and just holds me down and fucks me, like that's a big turn on for me."
I was like, "Well you should have told me! I would have happily done that for you." and she goes, "No, it has to feel real and dangerous."
I'm like, "What are you out of your fucking mind? You think I'm just gonna rape you on the off chance that hopefully you're into that shit?"
"What kind of idiot... I'm getting kinda a rape-y vibe from this girl, I don't know, I suspect she might enjoy being raped, maybe that's her thing.
I don't wanna ask first and ruin it so I'm just gonna take a shot and rape her, what the hell, what's the worst that could happen after all?"
Jesus. Anyway, that's all history. Sex for me is gone. It's just my wife and me.
And it's sad because my wife is beautiful, I love to look at her and feel for her. She's gorgeous she just turned 40 and she's awesome.
And it's not because she looks younger than 40, she looks like she's 40 on the nose. I just like that.
I never knew I would but I find it really sexy that I like "women women" she's got grey streaks in her hair and I find that sexy, I really do.
She's got strong arms from picking up the kids, she's strong and sexy on a whole other level.
She's changing, she smells different, she used to have blue eyes, they're black now! She's intense, kinda crazy looking.
All these lines in her face from all the shit I did to her. She's got character.
She looks like one of those pictures from the depression of the dustbowl farmers.
She's intense, I like it, it turns me on. That's what I like now, I like "women women."
Girls I'm done a long time ago. 22 year old girls, god bless you, go do a shot, whatever the fuck you do with your time.
"Wooooo" That's not me anymore. I like women, and I know that's offensive to 22 year old girls like, "I'm a woman too, I'm totally a woman."
Not to me, sorry. To me, you're not a woman until you have a couple of kids and your life is in the toilet, that's really when you become a women.
Is when people come out of your vagina and step on your dreams.
If you're still standing after that shit, you are a woman.
If you're still going to clubs and you have a pony tail and a little dress and you're standing outside of a club waiting to get in and it's 2 degrees, you're like "It's gonna be great in there!" You're a girl.
I wanna give you a sweater and a ride home, I don't wanna fuck you. I'll jerk off to you but I don't wanna fuck you and get involved.
I do wanna fuck you but you won't fuck me so fuck you anyway.
I would, oh I'd totally fuck you. But-
There's just a difference between girls and women and it's not just age, there's a reason why they call it "Girl's Gone Wild"
You notice there's not women gone wild, 'cause no one would fucking by the wild women dvd.
Because when girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub, that's what wild women do.
They don't show their tits to no body, they fuck with their bras on, it's a whole other thing.
Try taking your 40 year old wife's picture when she comes outta the shower, "Fuck you, get the fuck outta here."
It's not funny, you thought it would be cute like "Don't" she's like "FUCK OFF"
"Sorry.." 'Cause she doesn't have tits anymore, she has breasts that need to be checked and maintained.
I get bills for my wife's breasts that's some grown up woman shit right there.
Girl's have the titties with the little perky nipples, and that's awesome. But you're not a woman until you get long chewed up nipples.
And you're not a man until you've sucked one of those fucking things either by the way.
Thank you very much folks, I hope you had a good time. Thank you, good night.
[crowd cheers]