Love Hurts (2009) Movie Script
1
[Silence]
[ British accent ]
a little heavy
on
the cheese today, darling.
Remember a long time ago,
after your degree,
you were going to go to places
where they really needed you.
You mean
my save-the-world kick?
Lucky my uncle had
that embolism, huh?
Left me the practice
instead of me getting lost
in cleft palates.
It never bothers you?
What?
Your conscience.
It's so funny.
I always know
when you have pms.
Uh-oh. allergies again? Aww.
Allerden, twice a day.
Doctor's orders.
Good as new in no time.
"Good as new."
What a wonderful expression.
If only it were true for things
that seemed beyond repair.
Exactly.
Have a good day.
And don't forget, allerden.
Almost, almost.
One more minute.
Try to stay still.
I'm sorry to interrupt,
doctor,
but my lunch break
was an hour ago.
Well, then, I guess
I'm obligated to let you go eat.
No one on our staff
seems to understand
that the more patients
we see a day,
the more they get to wash
their uniforms.
[ Laughs ]
[ Mumbling ]
She's just great.
[ Mumbling ]
Excuse me,
i think I know my wife
a little better than you do.
Oh, yeah?
[ Mumbling ]
No, I didn't know that.
How did you know?
[ Mumbling ]
No! no.
I vote for the one with
the big...
Putting on the lipstick.
Come on. The other two are
asking half the salaries.
They have resumes.
We don't even know
if she can color-code.
Well, every enterprise
needs eye candy, Ben.
I mean, you already
nixed the aquarium.
Why do we need fish?
We have prints of Indians,
prairies.
From costco!
What's wrong with you, pal?
Wanda, my patient with strep,
told me your wife told her...
My wife's seeing a shrink.
Some edelbaum guy.
Well, it must be true, then.
My wife knows everything
about everybody in this town.
I don't get it.
Probably something
to do with her mother.
So, how are you
liking America?
Oh, I like it very much.
I've been here 25 years.
Oh, and you still
talk like that.
Like what?
Excuse me.
I know you didn't vote for me,
but the other doctors left
an hour ago,
the cleaning crew's here,
and I know you like to squeeze
in as many patients
as you can in a day,
but I have a life.
I can't believe
you didn't vote for her!
All right, I want you to put
your fingers in your ears,
I count to three,
you blow,
we'll get that jellybean
right out of there.
All right, here we go.
One, two...
Agh! Jesus Christ!
Son of a bitch!
[ Groaning ]
Amanda?
Do you know both mutts are under
the perennial sunlight bulb,
the ugly and the depressive?
I don't know why we didn't get
a lab or something with papers.
Speaking of depression,
did your mother call
and make you feel
small and worthless
all over again?
Amanda?
Amanda?
Here. breathe into this.
My heart!
Your heart's fine.
You're having a panic attack.
Breathe into the bag.
Mom told me this might happen,
like when you got audited.
What's with your eye?
She's leaving me!
I know.
We had a long talk.
It was a tough decision.
She's been writing the letter
for a month.
She started thinking about
me being gone,
just you, her,
alone, the house.
She started crying
all the time.
You thought it was allergies.
She was going to stick around
until I left for skidmore,
but she was so freaked
that I told her
I'd understand if she split now.
You're the only one
who didn't notice.
The dogs hardly eat anymore.
She won't answer her cell.
How do you know?
Because she wants
time to herself.
Where is she?
You know where she is,
don't you?
Tell me where she is!
I said that I wouldn't.
Were you raised by wolves?!
Would you chill?
Chill! where is she?
Gloria amerantz's.
Shit! oh!
That woman hates me.
Ever since I told her
she looked good pregnant
and it was just fat.
Where the hell are my car keys?
You don't want to do this.
If she calls
while I'm gone,
tell her I'm on my way.
Oh! bollocks!
Where is she?
Go home!
Get off my property!
Amanda!
Get out of here!
Ah!
Bastard!
Get out!
She doesn't want
to talk to you, you creep!
Let me in!
Let me in!
Uh!
Justin: so, what'd
she say exactly?
Ben: well, she said
she had some new things
she wanted to learn.
Cello, prime numbers...
Didn't want to die off
while she was still alive,
whatever that means.
Wanted to go to machu picchu,
this holy rain forest in Peru.
Needed time to reassess.
I said fine, I'd give
her the night off to ponder.
Maybe take her
for a Peruvian lunch somewhere.
Couscous.
I think she'll love it.
What do you think?
It's going to take
more than a plant.
It's not just a plant.
It's a bonsai.
The lady in the store
said it's the transmuted
and the transcendent
in one container,
which I think fits right in
with the holy rain forest thing.
[ Woman humming
toreador song from "carmen" ]
[ Humming continues ]
da-da-da-da,
da-da-da-da
da-da--
what a surprise.
I told you
I'd be back today.
This is for you.
What a nice little
ugly highway plant.
Man: now, Gloria, come on.
That's a beautiful
Juniper cutting.
Actually, it's a bonsai.
The transmuted and transcendent
in one container.
It certainly is.
Yeah, transcendent
'cause its roots
aren't planted in the soil,
and transmuted
from a greater tree,
and yet still sufficient
unto itself.
You see the triangular pattern
right there.
That triangle represents
the three basic virtues
necessary to create a bonsai.
Truth, goodness and beauty.
Amanda: Curtis owns the nursery
where I buy my plants.
This is my husband, Ben.
A real pleasure
to meet you.
Gloria: Curtis and your wife
are doing my backyard
because your wife
refuses to be a guest here
without contributing something,
and Curtis refuses to allow
her to do it by herself,
because he is a mensch,
and because he's a genius
when it comes to greenery.
Come on, show me where you
want the bride roses, huh?
He talks
like a rodeo rider.
He's a horticulturist
from the south.
I don't like him.
You don't have
to like him.
He's my friend.
And I need all the friends
i can get right now.
Gloria: they should be about
this high and in the back.
Look, I know
about Dr. edelbaum.
Whatever it is
with you and your mother,
I can see you through.
My mother's insane, too,
as you know.
She just never cut up my clothes
because I was thinner than her.
Did you read my letter, Ben?
Yes, I did,
and I understand.
Justin gone,
no longer a mom,
mostly a wife, a woman.
Look, if you want to have
a little work done,
there's a guy
on the same floor as me.
We can get a discount.
Lower lids, upper lids.
Whatever you want.
I'm not coming home
with you, Ben.
Justin: oh!
That stuff stinks.
Well, it is shit.
You know,
being a landscape artist
is like painting
with nature.
With very stinky brushes.
[ Laughter ]
But in the end,
you do get to smell a Rose.
[ Sighs ]
I keep thinking that, if I hope
hard enough, he'll be there.
You know,
like he used to be.
But I -- I can't...
I can't let myself do that.
I can't keep hoping.
He told me
to get my eyes done.
[ Laughs ]
Ooh!
Oh.
Are you sure
you're going to be okay?
Yes, and so will he.
Think so?
He always is.
Ben, off-key with recording:
heaven is a place on earth
yeah, baby,
we're goin' up!
oooooh, heaven
is a place on earth
oooooh, heaven
is a place on earth
ooooooh, heaven
is a place on earth
ooooh, heaven
is a place on earth
ooooh, heaven
is a place on earth
Justin: dude, dad.
You got to eat.
Your mother and I fell in love
to that song.
She's leaving me
for a handyman.
He owns a nursery.
And they're just friends,
i think.
You know him?
I met him a few times
when I visited
her at the nursery.
How could you not tell me,
my own flesh and blood?
Look, it's not my fault that
you didn't see this coming.
You got to get out of bed --
there's nothing
wrong with you, dude.
Chronic fatigue syndrome
is a very serious ailment, dude.
You don't have
chronic fatigue syndrome.
You became a doctor
while I was in the bathroom?
I googled it.
If you have it,
you got to have...
Tender lymph nodes,
muscle pain,
multi-joint pain,
severe loss of short-term
memory, headaches.
I have all of that.
'Cause you're sucking down
a huge amount of alcohol.
Know what this is?
Liquor.
This is sloe gin fizz.
Know what your mother
told me back in the day?
This is the drink
that Scott Fitzgerald
drank himself to death on.
He was her favorite writer,
gatsby was
her favorite character,
and I was her favorite guy,
yes, sirree.
Now she looks at me
like I'm a stranger.
I don't know
who I am anymore.
That's very deep.
It is?
You think you could tell
her that I'm deep?
She...she listens to you.
I'll give it a shot,
but try to lay off
the booze, okay?
[ Groans ]
I'm on fire in the club
girls on the floor,
getting wild in the club
girls over there
showing nothing but love, hey
I'm on fire
in the club
girls on the floor
getting wild in the club
do you mind?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I in your way?
throwing up in the air
hi, Dr. bingham.
I'll call you back.
Hey, doc.
Whoa.
He looks, like,
totally wasted.
He is totally wasted.
Why is he wearing
a scarf?
It's my mom's.
He likes breathing it.
Sadness.
How long has he been
in pajamas?
Too long.
Where are the stairs?
Behind you, dad.
Aha.
[ Panting, snoring ]
[ Gunfire,
explosions on television ]
See, you're the green,
and you're the master chief,
and you want to kill
all the aliens and zombies.
But we're at level 15,
so maybe you should start
at the tutorial, yeah?
Dude, check this out!
He's awesome!
Dude, he couldn't
find the stairs.
Maybe we should
take him with us.
To the party?
We could put him in a room,
and maybe they have a game
he could play there.
What are you on?
I think I should
stay with him.
What do you think
he's going to do,
invite a bunch
of doctors over,
and rent a keg
and trash the place?
Dad?
We're going to go out.
I don't want you driving.
You want to go somewhere,
call a cab, okay?
Bye, Dr. bingham.
Bye, doc.
Feel better.
Morning.
Morning.
[ Explosions on television ]
Dad?
Dude!
What are you doing?
I've destroyed
all the aliens and the zombies.
There's nothing
left to destroy,
so I'm going
for my personal best.
How much coffee
have you had?
Lots. lots of coffee.
Your mother and I used to drink
a lot of coffee together.
Drip coffee.
I'd make her a cup.
She'd make me a cup.
I'd make...
Kiss it goodbye,
piece-of-shit wanker,
pissant toe-rag!
Yeah!
What are you doing?!
You want to get mom back?
I can get her back?
Not if you're pathetic
and insane.
I've got two million points.
How can I be pathetic?
You think I'm pathetic?
I mean, noticeably?
Sometimes you got
to work things
from the outside in, okay?
Mom is this
incredibly gorgeous woman,
if you really look at her.
I looked
at her all of the time.
But did you see her?
Here's the deal.
Take the peacock.
I bet you think the one
with the amazing feathers
is the chick, but it's the guy.
The male peacock spreads
its tail to attract the female.
The more intense his feathers,
the better he does.
Know what I mean?
No.
You want to stay
out here all day?
Yes.
Fine.
get up,
get on the floor, boy
come on and get sexy
get up,
get on the floor, boy
we're jamming, I said get up,
get on the floor, boy...
[ Ben grunting ]
Come on.
You're dying on me here, man.
I need lunch!
What did you used to press,
back in the day?
I didn't press.
I was in medical school.
Then how'd you get
an upper body?
I was born with it.
I had a lower one
and the upper one came with it.
I can't do this anymore.
Okay, well, let's at least
do something about your hair.
Would you stop?
For $285, I think I can
touch my hair.
That's including products.
You really think I'm going to
wash my hair with bee pollen,
use ylang-ylang mousse
for volume?
I can't believe I'm letting
you do this to me.
How do you feel
about your clothes?
I feel like
I'm wearing clothes.
You think your clothes
go with your hair?
No, thank the lord.
Who wears this?
Spies?
No one in our neighborhood
wears this color.
Black isn't a color.
It's the absence of color.
I look like
an undertaker.
You look good.
I look stupid.
You don't know what good is,
so you think you look stupid.
hey!
Yo!
It's very noisy in here.
Come say hi.
Last time they saw you,
you were wearing mom's scarves.
Come on.
Major improvement, Dr. b.
Your hair is astounding!
Oh, I love the outfit.
Cut it out.
Dude, you're slammin'.
Thank you.
I assume that's a good thing.
So I guess
I'll be on my way.
No, no.
Hang for a minute.
Yeah, come.
Hey, can I borrow this?
Well, maybe for a minute.
Hey.
Justin: hey.
Where you been?
Around.
Call me, okay?
Hey.
hey.
Miss you.
I bet you didn't know
your son was so popular.
They're just friends.
They're not just friends.
They're special kind of friends.
Can we order, please?
Some cokes, guac.
You want a beer or something?
Only if you have
your I.D. On you.
Excuse me?
I need to make sure
that you're over 21.
Well, of course I am.
I'm way over.
Okay.
I'll take your word for it.
I'll be right back.
I think she's into you,
Dr. b.
Oh, please.
I happen to be married.
My dad's married.
He dates.
Did you get my text?
Justin:
yeah, I think I did.
I'll be on my cell.
Cool.
You certainly seem to have
a lot of special friends.
You can't have too many
friends with benefits.
I have,
like, zero.
'Cause you exude zero.
What's that
supposed to mean?
What does "benefits" mean?
You...
Probably call it sex.
What?
Benefits.
And so would we,
'cause that's what it is.
This is so not happening.
Not that we're friends
with benefits.
You never want
to hook up with people
from the same school.
If you do it too much,
you get a bad profile.
What is wrong with you?
How many friends with benefits
do you have exactly?
Oh, my god.
Check this out, the waitress
gave you her number.
She wants you to call her.
Please, I know
nothing about her.
You should invite her to
the party we're going to.
What?
He's cool, dude.
He's my father, "dude."
Now I know what you do
'til 5.30 in the morning
with your friends.
Benefiting.
I'll talk to you later.
What about your beer?
Oh, another time.
Thank you.
Thank you anyway.
Ah, you're very courteous.
I love that in a man.
Come back.
I'll wait on you
anytime, okay?
Sure. cool.
Later.
[ Mumbles ]
Oh, thank you.
[ Mumbles ]
Oh, he works downtown.
I can give you his name
if you'd like.
Oh, yeah.
I'd like it.
I think he's a genius.
Hi.
Dr. Lisa levanthorp,
neurosurgery.
We met at the raffle
last year.
Of course.
So, do you know what I think
when I look at you?
Messy eater?
No. mensa material.
Try this on for size --
Jack and Phoebe,
they're in a car,
traveling at 50 miles
an hour, heading south.
A train is going at 80 miles
an hour heading due east.
Who is Jack's
brother-in-law?
[ Snorts ]
Just jesting.
Uh, so, would you
like to attend a mensa social
with me next Thursday?
It's a buffet.
All you can think. [ Snorts ]
Oh, don't be shy.
The whole world
knows you're separated.
[ Snorts ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Telephone rings ]
Hello.
Ben: is she there?
Yes, she's here.
We're cooking dinner.
And we have a guest.
Thank you.
What is it, Ben?
Someone told me
we're separated.
I know it's a small town,
but I don't remember agreeing
to any kind of...
Anyway, who's the guest?
None of your business.
Excuse me.
I think it is my business.
It's Curtis.
Really?
Why are you cooking
him dinner?
He's cooking me dinner.
Amanda?
[ Car passes, horn blaring ]
Rollerblades!
No!
Why can't we just have
one conversation...
Can we stop
talking about this?
I'd appreciate it
if you could be
a little bit quieter
and respect the fact
that other people live here.
What's up, dad?
What's up is I'd like someone
to make me dinner, cook for me,
care for me
and make sure I'm fed.
All right, you can have
some of my big Mac,
some of your filet-o-fish,
your popeyes popcorn shrimp
and...
Some mcflurry
for later.
That's disgusting.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Uh.
Does anyone
hear that but me?
[ Shouting ]
Woman: hey.
I brought us some
fresh, raw yellowtail,
toro, freshwater eel.
And I make my own wasabi,
and I pickle my own ginger.
I'm a double Sushi freak.
Who are you?
It's me, silly.
Looking good,
Darlene.
Girl: you kids have fun.
Guy: way to go, Dr. b.
Okay. bye.
Wait.
where are you going?
Why don't
i just get started?
Lucky she showed,
you being so hungry and all.
Look, if mom's
into the horticulturist...
Christ, does the whole world
know he's making her dinner?
Well, if he is,
you have the right
to have Sushi
with your nurse.
What are you saying?
I'm saying that...
I want you to be happy.
Oh, thank you.
And I think it would
be a good idea
if you were with more than
one woman before you die.
Hold on.
How can you be talking
to me like this?
You have the whole house
to yourself.
I'll be out until late.
Really late.
So enjoy and...Be safe.
It's 'cause I grew up with
my 13-year-old daughter.
After her father split, she
and I did everything together.
I always dug her style.
[ Microwave beeps ]
And you thought I was just
some boring old nurse.
Well, I hope
you're a nurse.
I have let you administer
anesthetics, after all.
Uh...no, thanks.
I don't drink warm liquor.
It's made out of rice.
It's good for you.
I'll take a pass.
And, uh,
as for the raw fish,
call me crazy,
but when I look at it, I think,
"turn on the grill."
[ Laughs ]
Do you have a cd player?
Uh, in the living room.
Be right back.
[ Asian music plays ]
[ Hip hop plays ]
Aren't they amazing?
I'm a total hip hop freak.
This sake
doesn't taste like much.
So you like it?
I don't know.
It's...it's like drinking
hot tea without the tea flavor.
Here, try this.
They go together.
Ooh!
Chew!
Oh!
Have more of this.
Ooh!
Ugh!
[ Coughs ]
I'm so sorry.
[ Urinating ]
[ Knock on door ]
Darlene:
are you okay in there?
Yes, fine. Why?
Have I been
in here a long time?
[ Flushes toilet ]
[ Hip hop plays ]
Oh, yeah.
Come on, don't leave me
hanging here.
You got to get into it.
Bounce it! Bounce it!
There you go.
come here
and watch me move it
shake it, make it bounce,
make it bounce, bounce
shake it,
make it bounce
get down!
Get down! Down!
Shake it!
Make it bounce!
Yeah!
Oh!
So where are you from?
Des moines.
Interesting.
Ben: how did you get
to long island?
Train.
[ Laughs ]
What a sweet little chortle.
Do it again.
I can't just chortle
like that.
Yeah.
It's not fair.
Oh, lord.
We go to the same school.
We can't do this.
[ Dogs barking ]
[ Sighs ]
Uh.
Morning.
sorry about the mess.
We made a lot of Sushi,
which has a way
of slipping through
your hands.
And that wasabi
can really blind you
so that you can't even see
the kind of mess
that you're making.
Dad, I'm glad
you had a good time.
I didn't have a good time.
Then why do you have glitter
in your hair?
[ Glitter pattering on floor ]
Oh, Christ.
It isn't easy
being your role model.
It never would've happened,
except she said
sake was good for me,
because it was made out of rice,
and she is my nurse, after all.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Oh, my god.
Do you think
she forgot an earring?
Tell her I went
to the store.
Dad, open the door.
I can't -- I don't know what to
say to her when it's daylight.
You want me
to open the door?
Yes!
Okay, I'm going to open it,
but think of something
to say that won't make
her feel embarrassed
or dumb for coming
back, okay?
Okay.
Hello.
nice to see you again.
Uh, I must admit,
i don't remember much
of what transpired
last night, but...
Dad, it's mom,
of all people.
Oh, hi.
What a surprise.
Pardon the mess.
Two guys on their own,
some things get messy.
Down. sit. Stay.
Heel. shoo!
Shoo! shoo!
Actually, I came by to ask
if I could borrow one of them.
I miss them.
What about yours truly?
Miss me?
What happened to your hair?
New cut.
You like it?
It's different.
What is that?
What?
On your neck.
My neck?
What a terrible smudge.
Nasty bruise.
Looks like some kind
of toothed spider thing.
Maybe while I was clearing out
the debris behind the garage.
Or paint cans.
Fibreboard.
It's all right, Ben.
It is?
What's all right?
I'm cool.
[ Laughs ]
Curtis and I...
Are more than friends
now.
Don't tell me.
With benefits.
Are there benefits involved?
How could you?
I'm going to take sherman.
Who?
The dog.
The depressive.
I'm way more depressed than
the dog and so will you be,
when you realize what you've
done to us.
Oh, Benny.
I love
when you call me that.
It is obvious that
we have raised a great kid.
Obviously.
and now it is time
for both of us to have
the experience of being
with other people, finally.
Listen to me.
People from the south
marry their cousins.
He could have a contagious
genetic thing for all you know.
Mutant saliva.
For your information,
this wasn't just any old spider.
It was my nurse.
I have her on record somewhere.
I could look her up if I wanted
to, find out if she's a felon.
Dad.
what?
Chill.
I don't know how to.
I don't know what it means!
And so you know,
i was trying
to be a peacock for you.
I have new feathers
and everything.
And you're throwing it
over for a guy
who knows what kind of Daisy
goes with a peeny?
Peony.
Goodbye, Ben.
I'll talk to you soon, honey.
See you, mom.
[ "Heaven is a place
on earth" plays ]
Normal.
I'm burning up.
Look, think of mom as...
The bigs.
The Yankees, okay?
And so she's doing some new...
Infielding right now.
So, maybe if you spent
some time
in the minors brushing up
on your reflexes,
you'll be the number one pick
for the bigs next season.
What are you talking about?
Look what I found online.
Karaoke Kim's?
It's '80s night.
Isn't that great?
Would you rather listen
to "heaven and earth" here
or at karaoke Kim's?
"Heaven is a place
on earth."
See?
All the other people
there will
know that, too -- you'll have
a lot in common, so...
You want to wear
your brushed cotton
or your linen?
Hmm.
You ready to go in?
No.
What's the worst
that can happen in there?
I'll sweat.
My jacket'll get ruined.
I want a frozen yogurt.
The worst
is you'll get rejected.
But rejection isn't death.
Even though it feels like it,
it's...just rejection.
"Rejection isn't death."
Woman: hey.
Hey.
This is where
we're going to hang?
It's for my dad.
Dad, this is Layla.
They named
her after some song,
maybe you'll get
to sing tonight.
"Layla's" from the '70s,
not the '80s,
though it really
is timeless.
I would never sing it.
It's...it's all about
the riffs.
I'm surprised
you didn't know that.
Rejection isn't death,
is it?
Come on.
Rejection isn't death.
Rejection isn't death.
say goodbye
to conventional ways
you can't escape the hours
you lose track of the days
the more you understand
seems the more like you do
you never get away
everybody wants you
everybody
wants you
everybody wants you
yeah!
God, he's good!
Justin: stunning.
[ Cheers and applause ]
we're running
with the shadows of the night
so, baby, take my hand,
it'll be all right
surrender all your dreams
to me tonight
they'll come true
in the end
[ whistling and applause ]
you said, oh, girl,
it's a cold world
when you keep it all
to yourself
to yourself!
I said you can't...
I have got to get out of here.
Shh! show
a little respect, please.
you've ever felt
ransom my heart,
but, baby, don't look back
'cause we got nobody else
else
we're running
with the shadows
of the night
so, baby, take my hand,
it'll be all right
surrender all your dreams
to me tonight
they'll come true
in the end
we're running
with the shadows of the night
so, baby, take my hand,
it'll be all right
surrender all your dreams
to me tonight...
what is wrong
with him?
Nothing.
can you hear them?
they talk about us
telling lies...
they were giving me a lift home,
but they wanted to stop
and show me their twin things.
Then they got out some wine
and now they want
to sandwich dance.
no secrets to reveal...
like they're the bread,
and I'm the sliced Turkey
in the middle.
Do you know how many guys
fantasize about being
in exactly the same
situation you're in?
No.
Try every guy whose balls
have dropped.
Hey.
remember when you told me
to go out for soccer,
you said even if I liked it
for one minute,
that's one minute more
than if I'd never tried.
Did I say that?
And what happened?
You made the team.
I made captain.
Try it for a minute.
If you don't like it,
call me
and I'll come get you.
You promise?
Promise.
So even though we're identical,
we have these things...
Which tell us apart --
like she has...
This trident tattoo
right here.
Because she's into Neptune
and the sea,
norse kind of things.
And she has...
This infinity symbol.
'Cause it's
her lucky number.
[ Chuckling ] [ chuckling ]
So, Ben, what are your
distinguishing marks?
Oh, I... I don't have any.
Oh, come on.
Everyone's got
something.
Let's look.
our lips are sealed
hi.
Hi.
Dr. bingham.
"Ben" is fine.
So if I go
month by month,
does that work out cheaper
than buying
a whole series of classes?
I see thousands
of doctors.
Really?
So if I don't use
the towels,
do you drop
the $50 charge?
I'm not sick, it's just i
believe in early detection.
Knock wood, and I adore
the medical sciences.
Plus Jewish parents.
Their first question is,
"is he a doctor, a lawyer?"
Between you and me,
i hate lawyers.
Me, too.
Isn't that wonderful?
I loathe them.
When do we start?
I think we already
have.
We have?
Yeah.
Wonderful opera singer.
Never thought
she'd sing again.
I located and removed
the nodule.
She still sends me
Christmas cards.
That's fabulous.
Ahhh!
Drug use.
Lost his sense of smell.
I went in, repaired the entire
olfactory receptor system.
Wow!
Oh!
Ah!
Of course, I haven't done
open-heart surgery,
but I have observed.
And I think if I found myself
on a dark country road one night
and it was needed,
i could pull it off.
That is amazing.
Yeah.
[ Clears throat ]
Yeah.
I just worked out
with Hannah rosenblum
and I was wondering, could i
get her on a regular basis?
Yeah.
Thank you.
I can't believe your dad
actually
got us tickets
to the arctic monkeys.
Every time he stays out
all night, he feels guilty.
I wish my dad felt guilty.
I'd have, like,
a private jet or something.
How can he be dating his nurse?
Isn't there an ethical thing?
She got a job
in a urologist's office
so they can date.
Did he ever tell you about what
it's like with the twins?
You don't really think
he'd let me in on that?
Maybe he'd let us in
on that.
All I know is they own
a catering business
specializing
in hors d'oeuvres.
Like a sex thing?
Like a tiny food thing.
We have a whole fridge
of it.
And your mom has
got the gardener guy,
so, basically,
they're like my parents now.
And mine, except
they don't know it.
I hate tiny food.
Yah!
[ Giggling,
laughter ]
Body karate!
She's pretty smoking,
huh?
[ Speaking Russian ]
She's okay.
[ Speaking Russian ]
Um, may I?
Thank you.
15 bucks tip?
15.50.
Give them 16 and
we'll get free mints.
You guys go.
I'll catch a train later.
Dude, arctic monkeys!
Can we sell your ticket?
[ Giggling ]
[ Shrieks ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Classical quartet plays ]
Can I have
an autograph?
You were amazing.
So, what was she like?
So, what happened?
So was it, like,
unbelievable?
You know,
being cool is cool,
and then when you're
like too cool,
it's really not cool
anymore.
Or is what you're saying
what happened is, like,
too cool for me to ask?
Okay, fine. I won't ask.
I don't have to ask.
I don't even care.
Was it like an inner
body thing or an outer?
Were there bodies involved?
Later.
Were there just looks and stuff?
Hey!
Hey. Dr. b, you want to rack up
some points?
I'm really in a hurry,
but...
Come on.
Yeah! okay.
Your nurse called to remind you
about meeting her for Sushi.
Tonight?
That's what she said.
But I'm having dinner with
a devout Jewish woman.
It's her sabbath and we're
having matzo.
Have an early dinner
with her.
And late dinner
with the Sushi freak.
Is that legal?
Yeah.
Doc, when you're in demand,
that's the way it goes down.
Hey, that's
a rockin' cap.
Oh, my god.
My, uh...
[Clears throat]
My stylist said
it would wash out over time.
Well, it looks radical.
Spectacular.
it's amazing.
You think so?
Yeah.
It's like who you
were meant to be.
Wow!
Yeah.
yeah.
Wow!
Wow!
You think this goes?
I mean, is it okay
for an early and a late dinner?
I don't have to get changed
in between, do I?
Why am I having so much fun?
You have a lot of people
liking you, you're popular.
Just like someone else
i know.
I met someone.
A girl.
Well, that
doesn't surprise me.
Oh, she's... different.
Cool.
Keeps things interesting,
right?
I have got to shower.
have some Sushi!
Some matzo!
some sake!
Some manischewitz!
could I borrow
your urbantrack skechers?
I don't feel right in my
florsheims.
I think we're the same size,
aren't we?
Oh!
Have I thanked you
for helping me become radical,
spectacular and amazing?
Well, thank you.
Again and again,
thank you.
[ Man chanting torah ]
Baruch atah adonai.
Barush atad noise.
[ Man speaking
Japanese ]
[ Speaking mock
Japanese ]
we drove a million miles
to be with you tonight
so if you're feelin' low
turn up your radio...
yeah!
Elohaynu
melekh ha'olam.
Alahanu
malesh alhem.
[ Shouting
in Japanese ]
Kampai!
Kampai, kampai!
Yaah!
rip it up
move down
rip it up
move it down to the ground
rip it up
move down
melekh ha'olam borei,
peri ha'etz.
Halem minge
and collarettes.
Amein.
Amen.
Pull.
Oh!
Don't eat it 'cause
of the carbs, but...
Smell it.
Oh!
Oh!
[ Laughing,
speaking Russian ]
I was wondering if you would
autograph this for me?
Um, yes, of...
Of course.
Thank you.
Thank you for asking.
Well, I admire your
dancing greatly.
And I was wondering if you
would care
to have dinner with me
or dine with me sometime?
Uh, we all go eat now.
You may come if you like.
I like, yes.
That would be wonderful.
That would be... really great.
[ Laughter,
crowd speaking Russian ]
[ Speaking Russian ]
They are discussing
the performance tonight.
The mistakes.
I thought it went
very well.
That's because you don't know
nothing about the ballet.
Well, maybe not.
Not a whole lot, anyway.
You know, valeriya has
a boyfriend in her hometown.
They are engaged.
You will never succeed
with her.
I've been in love with her
for years.
She thinks only of fyodor.
[ Speaking Russian ]
[ Speaking Russian ]
[ Russian dance plays ]
I was wondering if you'd care
to have coffee tomorrow.
Tea, snack.
I have class.
Well, after class.
I have another class.
I'm sorry.
Okay, fine.
I understand.
Some other time.
Hi.
Hi. hi.
Nice outfit.
They're jeans.
They're nice.
Stylish.
Thanks.
You're blond.
Shall we let them go?
Why not?
Come on, Lester.
There you go.
Shall we sit?
Yeah.
So, Justin called and told me
what he was going through.
And I... I wanted you and i
to discuss it in person.
Discuss what?
Ben, he's in love.
Who's he in love with?
A ballerina.
I don't think so.
Why don't you think so?
He would've told me.
And he doesn't know
any ballerinas.
He met her in the city.
She's Russian
and he's crazy about her.
I want him to be able
to share this with you.
I guess he didn't feel
you'd be very empathetic,
what with your new
lifestyle and all.
Lester! Jesus.
Lester!
Ben: what lifestyle?
Oh, please! Ben, you're
sleeping with
your nurse,
a gymnast and twins.
It's a small town.
I hate this town, and she's
a trainer, not a gymnast.
Lester,
come back here!
I know it's unfair.
But I'm just the same
as a million other guys.
For god's sake,
Lester!
Ben: look at him --
he's been neutered.
He's humping everything
in sight.
Well, I haven't
been neutered.
And the midlife thing
is different for me
than you.
You have eggs
that dry up.
I have a kind of longevity
that lasts forever,
biology's
inexplicable gift.
Sad but true.
There's nothing
i can do about it.
I think we should sell
the house.
It's a family house,
which certainly
doesn't pertain anymore.
Forget about alimony.
I don't want to be beholden
to you for anything.
Sherman!
Are you saying we're
getting divorced?
Sherman!
I'm only playing
in the minors
so I can be smashing
in the bigs.
And you're the bigs,
Amanda.
You're the bigs.
Amanda...
Aaah!
[dog whining]
For Christ's sakes.
Give it a rest,
will you?
Amanda! Amanda!
[ Dog whimpering ]
Son?
Uh, Sally can't sell the house
without seeing all the rooms.
I know it's a bad time for you,
for all of us.
I have a closing
in 20 minutes.
Your mom told me
about the Russian ballerina.
All I can say is, love can be
like that,
give you a headache,
make you nauseous,
feel like you have
a fatal disease,
but that's no reason
to not have breakfast.
[Thud!]
Justin: leave me alone.
Maybe I should come
back on Monday.
Yeah.
Nice try, Dr. b.
Ben: I don't know where
my mind is.
Do you want
to just take a free one?
Oh, no. Fair and square.
Want some fudge?
I made it myself.
Oh, thanks anyway, I'm trying
to stay away from sweets.
Hey, it's really good.
Maybe he doesn't want any.
Don't be a drag.
All right, just one piece.
Mm. very good.
May I?
Sure, yeah.
I just think, as his friends,
it would be easier
if you tried to get him out
of his room.
Love's weird, dude.
Dr. b.
You can call me
"dude."
Anyways, he won't talk to us
about it.
It's like throwing a ball
against a curtain.
Excuse me?
It doesn't bounce back.
[ Cell phone rings ]
I'm supposed to be somewhere.
The twins?
It's okay, we know.
Really? well, matter of fact,
it was one of them.
[ Cell phone rings ]
The other one?
No. someone else.
You're the man, dude!
You're the man!
this morning I woke up
and something had changed...
aaaah!
aaaah!
I felt kind of good
and it felt kind of strange
there's something
going on here
and maybe
it's a brand-new world
or I'm just crazy insane
so everything's different
I guess that's okay
'cause those thoughts
that used to hold me down
have all gone away
come on, come on
get up, get up
let's go...
man: we're closed.
Why is it so weird
to be in love with someone?
What's your issue?
Tell him.
Tell me what?
She's in love
with David schatz.
Who?
I hate you!
No, you don't.
It's the fudge.
Yeah, you two always get
all emo on pot.
Who's David schatz?
With the band.
Garage band?
No, the marching band.
Pot?
Wait.
like the drummer guy?
Like the glockenspiel guy.
Huh?
It's really hard to play it
and march at the same time.
He doesn't even know I'm alive.
Sadness.
Pot.
Pot fudge.
You really should have
told him.
He's cool. Right?
You feel a buzz?
I feel like my head's
really far away
from my feet.
Far out.
Really far out.
Like a mile.
I'm sorry you're
in pain.
It's okay.
No, it's not.
I'm getting divorced.
I'm in pain, too.
I'm in a great deal
of pain.
It's just the fudge.
No, it's the pain.
It's a painful time.
My son's in pain.
We're all in pain, except my
wife, which is very painful.
Unless...
She is in pain,
but she's not showing it.
Oh, she's probably in pain.
I hope so.
Yeah.
You've got to work with me here.
That attic could be a rec room,
an extra kid's room.
Get rid of the junk by Tuesday.
I'm having an open house.
Uggh!
What are you doing?
She saved my jockstrap
from college.
[ Panting ]
She used to wear it on her head
to make me laugh.
She knew me so well.
She made our costumes
every Halloween.
We went as a right shoe,
a left shoe.
I was a ham once,
she was the Swiss cheese.
Our honeymoon in the Caymans,
there was a hurricane.
We stayed inside,
we put on all our diving
equipment
and went diving
for each other.
All the toys you ever had.
Animals with horns scared you,
so she bought this moose
headband
and wore it around the house.
She didn't want you
to be afraid of anything.
She saved every birthday card,
every anniversary card.
She saved it all.
Every little piece of our lives.
Our whole lives together.
I've lost my life.
[ Chainsaw revs ]
Your range is fantastic
and the endurance is...
It's better than good.
It's great.
It's great endurance.
Sorry. I don't mean
to interrupt you.
I just wanted to tell you
that I've given up
my membership.
I'm going to start riding
a real bike outside.
Well, this is
Dr. sy frieman.
He's one of the top
orthopaedic surgeons
in the country.
The sultan of Brunei
flew him over
to repair
his lumbar disc.
You can leave
your locker key
at the front desk.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
I'm so proud of you.
Excuse me. I just...
I get a little excited.
Hm. fresh, fresh,
fresh, fresh, fresh.
Hi!
Katsu's making us
a whole tuna tataki platter.
What's this?
What the hell?!
Asshole!
Please, let's not
make this ugly.
Make it ugly?
Well, then, screw you.
I don't want your dumb,
lame,
stupid-ass goodbye gifts.
Who are you
leaving me for?
Don't lie to me.
Who is she?!
My wife.
Your wife?
Really?
You are so...
Boring!
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
And thank you for
everything, uh...
Uh, sorry for the,
uh...
In any case, uh...
Sayonara.
too much, too little, too late
to lie again with you
[off-key falsetto]
too much, too little,
too late
to try again with you
we're in the middle
of ending
something that we knew
and it's over
it's over
oh, oh, oh
over
over
over
hey! hi, Dr. b.
Where are you going?
My stepsister's
having a barbecue.
We thought it was time
he got out.
Hold up. You can't
go to a barbecue.
See you later.
Wait a minute!
What about
the ballerina?
I want to get over it,
okay?
I've been bummed ever since
i saw her.
I don't want a fatal disease.
It's not freaking worth it.
Yes, it is.
Listen to me.
Fatal diseases can put
you in touch
with very big things,
how precious every
single moment can be,
how never to throw it away on
things that don't matter.
You know about peacocks
and early and late dinners.
I know about love.
You're getting divorced,
dad.
Do you have to go there?
Come on, give me a chance.
Dude? dudettes?
Help me out here.
There'll always be
a barbecue, right?
[ Pulls hand brake ]
Number one,
you have to enter her world.
Big Russian ballet.
Big Russian guy.
Tchaikovsky.
"swan lake."
What happens is prince siegfried
falls in love with a Princess
who was turned into a swan
by an evil sorcerer.
Siegfried meets another swan
who he thinks is the first swan,
says he'll marry her,
realizes he's made
a big mistake
and he and the first swan
jump into the lake
and commit suicide.
These chicks have,
like, no tits.
Okay, extend one leg.
Bring it back.
Extend the other one.
Now, do it fast.
[ Laughing ]
Okay, try it again.
It's all about balance, okay?
Watch. extend one leg.
Extend the other.
Now, fast.
Agh! agh!
What? what?
My groin!
I pulled the groin area,
i think.
Get me ice!
Yeah, yeah. We're on it.
Thanks for your sympathy.
[ Whines ]
Maybe ice isn't the best thing
for a groin.
My testicles are numb
and very tiny.
You know, all this stuff's
a little insane.
Dying swans, leg kicks.
She's going to appreciate
the effort.
And when all else fails,
you do this.
What is that?
You take your two fingers,
run them
slowly down the side of
her face -- try it.
Like this.
Slowly.
Delicately.
Like she's
a wounded pigeon.
Good.
Now...
There's a look you have
to give her.
What is that?
A look.
A look that says she's
the answer
to every riddle,
all your questions.
What questions?
Think of some.
No.
It has to be
really important questions.
Questions you can't even
put into words, like...
"Ah, ble-ble-ble,
ah, ble-ble..."
And the look
has to be a look
you're amazed
at yourself to be giving
because you've never
given it
to anyone but her.
You look like you're
out of your mind.
Not to a woman.
Watch.
This is how the whole thing goes
when you've perfected it.
hi-ya-hi-ya
ta-da...
hi-ya-hi-ya
ta-da...
ha-za-za-za...
ha-za-za-za
haza-boo-boo-boo-boo
haza-boo-boo-boo-boo
boo
boo
I don't think you have it.
Oh, I think he has it.
Thanks for...
Whatever.
Promise me you'll practice
in your room.
[ Cell phone rings ]
Hello.
First of all, uh...
Kak dela...
Uh...
horoso?
It's me, the... the American.
And... and... and second,
I got your number from
the theater.
And third...
Would you like, by any chance,
to... see me later?
Okay, it's, um...
Kak dela.
And, um...
Horosho.
And, yes, um...
Okay.
All right.
After the performance?
That's great.
So... so I'll see you...
Later.
After.
Deuce vidinia.
[ Giggles ]
Do svidaniya.
Yes.
Would you please
take that off?
I want her
to see me in it.
Ben, she's going to think
you're a moron.
How do you like
the chocolates?
They're okay.
You know,
i used to weigh
120 pounds.
Ralph drove me
to obesity.
Oh, please.
You're full-figured.
Like those paintings
of women
with pink skin
and fruit.
Fertility goddesses.
Exactly.
I know you're trying
to get on my good side.
I swear to you,
if you help me,
you'll feel like
that person who picks up
that red phone at the last
minute and says,
"dang it all, let him live.
It's new year's."
Okay.
Come by later
for drinks.
And bring some chateau
st Jean cabernet.
It's 90 bucks a bottle,
but it is worth it.
Get three.
And some pate en croute
and vacherin fondue
with potatoes.
I'm on it.
Okay.
And, uh... when you
give this to her,
don't forget
to tell her...
That there's a whole attic
where this came from.
I know, I know. Go.
And pick up a few loaves
of olive bread while
you're at it, and some...
Chocolate mousse
with creme fraiche.
You know, for later.
I will do.
What's up?
I have plans for later.
So do I.
And how!
You can't go on your first date
looking like that.
What's wrong with how
i look?
You can't be serious.
How am I supposed to look?
Stop it. It's fine.
It's tight.
It's supposed to be tight.
You really wore
this sort of thing
back in the day?
She thought I looked
like gatsby.
Handsome, romantic, suave,
debonair.
I feel like
I'm five years old.
Good. humble is good.
You look great.
You know,
i really should be...
No, you shouldn't.
Ben: yes, he should,
if he wants to.
Or stay.
Have a cracker.
Yes,
everybody eat, enjoy.
Ben...
I'm fine not selling
the house.
It's where Justin grew up,
you should keep it.
Maybe you'll find someone new
to share it with.
How can you say that?
You know how long it takes to
get past going with a person?
You pick someone new,
you start all over again.
[ Cell phone rings ]
Dad.
Justin?
My heart, it's... I can't...
Calm down. What --
what is it?
He's fine. He thinks he's
having a heart attack.
What?
She loved the flowers, my tie,
said okay to dinner.
She's saying goodbye to her
friends to be with me alone.
I can't breathe.
I'm seriously unable
to breathe.
Dude, I need a paper bag.
Listen to me.
You're going to be fine.
Beginnings are full of heart
attacks, and endings.
But the middle, when you get
to know everything about her,
how scared she is of squirrels
and hates parades
and loves handel's Messiah,
is ashamed of her crooked toes
and saw you through a very bad
night when you felt
you should've been a doctor
doing something that mattered.
And how she had the Patience,
when you got trapped by
the trappings,
hoping you'd come around
and see the light,
and when you didn't,
felt so lonely,
she had no choice
but to leave you
in the dust
and do something beautiful
with her life
you didn't have the brains
to appreciate
and when you went off and
became a profligate idiot,
she was
still a one-man woman,
even though
it's the wrong man.
And maybe if you spend
the rest of your life
trying to make it up to her,
she'll give you another chance
because once upon a time,
she knew you were worth it.
I don't know what
you're talking about,
and here she comes,
and thanks for nothing.
I think it's best
you have
yourself to yourself
for now.
I won't be far.
Please, you don't
have to leave.
Yes, he does.
He just said so.
Don't contradict him.
Ben.
Go home.
You don't mean that.
Do you?
I have one...
[ Speaks Russian ]
One sister.
Yes, and, uh...
Brother, big.
Two...
big brothers.
Bro...brothers.
Okay.
two big brothers.
All right.
[ Cell phone rings ]
Excuse me.
What?
Ben: how are you doing?
Everything's good.
I got to go now.
Wait.
what is it?
Just don't forget to imprint
this memory in your brain
so you can feed off it
when you're not feeling
as great as you are now.
Sure thing. Bye.
Sorry.
Hey, hey.
What's happening?
You're a very compromised man.
I don't respect you.
I don't like you.
I'm deciding not to meddle,
'cause I know y'all ain't done
with each other yet.
And to be honest with you,
i don't have a taste for this.
Nice. very noble.
For the record,
i didn't like you either.
And if you think
I'm ever going to forgive you
for knowing what the inside
of her thighs look like,
you're a real bayou bohunk.
Hello?
I was just thinking,
the night's awfully young.
Don't do this.
Okay.
Get in your car.
Okay.
Uh, how is she?
Good night, Ben.
Hungry?
I could eat.
Justin: I couldn't even chew
in front of her.
Ben: chewing can look bad
when you're trying to look good.
She ate her whole salad,
chicken, string beans.
Wasn't afraid of chewing.
Wasn't afraid of anything.
I couldn't have eaten
a breadcrumb if I'd wanted to.
Nauseous?
Completely.
Me, too.
Do you have
a headache?
Pounding.
you?
Sledgehammer.
Kind of relaxing
not to have to say
brilliant things
every minute.
Try saying, "it's nice
to see you" in Russian.
You learned that?
I thought I had.
But she told me I said,
"it's nice to raincoat."
At least you didn't say,
"it's nice to underwear."
Thing is...
It was kind of worth it.
Like you said,
feeling like you have a fatal
disease and life is really...
Unbearable?
Yeah, and amazing
at the same time.
Love.
Fucking love.
I'm so glad you're coming.
Justin wanted me
to see her dance.
What are you wearing?
Why are you both
in penguin suits?
It's closing night.
It's a bit
of a gala type thing.
Shoot! [ laughs ]
I have to go back and change.
There's no time.
I think there's something here
that you can wear.
Something you may have forgotten
that you have.
[ Laughs ]
Ben: I went through everything.
I found this.
It's your eloping dress.
Oh, come on.
[ Laughs ]
You really think
I'm going to fit into something
I wore 20 years ago?
I guess it fits.
[ Classical quartet plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Jazz band plays ]
May I have the pleasure?
Sorry.
Goodness,
I...seem
to be all left feet.
You always were.
[ Russian dance ]
I've been looking
all over for you.
What is it?
[ Speaks Russian ]
Oh, please, please,
i want to understand.
Fyodor. he wasn't here
to see me dance.
Well, I was here.
I -- I saw you.
[ Speaks Russian ]
You're not him.
So who am I?
[ Speaks Russian ]
What's that mean?
A nothing?
A nobody?
A jerk?
You're nice.
So, you know...
For future reference...
That has to be the worst word
in the english language.
Ready to go?
What about...?
She's going back to vyborg,
to her boyfriend fyodor.
I don't know why,
i thought she liked me.
Or maybe I'm not used to girls
not liking me.
I feel like she did
like me a little.
Come here.
Let's go.
Justin: good night.
I can't believe
you let the hydrangeas go.
It's criminal.
I didn't have
the wherewithal to water,
lift a hose, fill a can.
Stop.
What did you say to him?
I told him...
To have loved and lost
isn't really better
than never to have
loved at all,
but that maybe,
unlike some of us,
his heart would heal in time,
hopefully before his funeral.
Justin: later.
Where are you going?
Layla called.
She wants to hang.
So, your heart's healed?
It will...In time.
Love you guys.
So...how about replanting
the hydrangeas?
Machu picchu
for a few months?
Learn the cello,
some prime numbers?
How about a cup of coffee?
I don't know.
Come on.
Know.
Don't look at me
like that.
Better?
I have to get out
of this dress.
What are you doing?
Ben: Amanda?!
Remember me?
ooh, baby, do you know
what that's worth
ooh, heaven
is a place on earth
[ laughter ]
they say in heaven
loves comes first
we'll make heaven
a place on earth
ooh, heaven
is a place on earth
when the night falls down,
i wait for you
and you come around
and the world's alive
with the sound of kids
on the street outside
when you walk into the room
you pull me close
and we start to move
and we're spinning
with the stars above
and you lift me up
in a wave of love
ooh, baby, do you know
what that's worth
ooh heaven
is a place on earth
they say in heaven
love comes first
we'll make heaven
a place on earth
ooh heaven
is a place on earth
when I feel alone
i reach for you
and you bring me home
when I'm lost at sea
I hear your voice
and it carries me
in this world
we're just beginning
to understand
the miracle of living
baby, I was afraid before
but I'm not afraid anymore
ooh, baby, do you know
what that's worth
ooh heaven
is a place on earth
they say in heaven
love comes first
we'll make heaven
a place on earth
ooh heaven
is a place on earth
heaven
ooh, ooh
ooh, ooh
ooh, baby, do you know
what that's worth
ooh heaven
is a place on earth
they say in heaven
love comes first
we'll make heaven
a place on earth
ooh heaven
is a place on earth
ooh heaven
is a place on earth
ooh heaven
is a place on earth
[Silence]
[ British accent ]
a little heavy
on
the cheese today, darling.
Remember a long time ago,
after your degree,
you were going to go to places
where they really needed you.
You mean
my save-the-world kick?
Lucky my uncle had
that embolism, huh?
Left me the practice
instead of me getting lost
in cleft palates.
It never bothers you?
What?
Your conscience.
It's so funny.
I always know
when you have pms.
Uh-oh. allergies again? Aww.
Allerden, twice a day.
Doctor's orders.
Good as new in no time.
"Good as new."
What a wonderful expression.
If only it were true for things
that seemed beyond repair.
Exactly.
Have a good day.
And don't forget, allerden.
Almost, almost.
One more minute.
Try to stay still.
I'm sorry to interrupt,
doctor,
but my lunch break
was an hour ago.
Well, then, I guess
I'm obligated to let you go eat.
No one on our staff
seems to understand
that the more patients
we see a day,
the more they get to wash
their uniforms.
[ Laughs ]
[ Mumbling ]
She's just great.
[ Mumbling ]
Excuse me,
i think I know my wife
a little better than you do.
Oh, yeah?
[ Mumbling ]
No, I didn't know that.
How did you know?
[ Mumbling ]
No! no.
I vote for the one with
the big...
Putting on the lipstick.
Come on. The other two are
asking half the salaries.
They have resumes.
We don't even know
if she can color-code.
Well, every enterprise
needs eye candy, Ben.
I mean, you already
nixed the aquarium.
Why do we need fish?
We have prints of Indians,
prairies.
From costco!
What's wrong with you, pal?
Wanda, my patient with strep,
told me your wife told her...
My wife's seeing a shrink.
Some edelbaum guy.
Well, it must be true, then.
My wife knows everything
about everybody in this town.
I don't get it.
Probably something
to do with her mother.
So, how are you
liking America?
Oh, I like it very much.
I've been here 25 years.
Oh, and you still
talk like that.
Like what?
Excuse me.
I know you didn't vote for me,
but the other doctors left
an hour ago,
the cleaning crew's here,
and I know you like to squeeze
in as many patients
as you can in a day,
but I have a life.
I can't believe
you didn't vote for her!
All right, I want you to put
your fingers in your ears,
I count to three,
you blow,
we'll get that jellybean
right out of there.
All right, here we go.
One, two...
Agh! Jesus Christ!
Son of a bitch!
[ Groaning ]
Amanda?
Do you know both mutts are under
the perennial sunlight bulb,
the ugly and the depressive?
I don't know why we didn't get
a lab or something with papers.
Speaking of depression,
did your mother call
and make you feel
small and worthless
all over again?
Amanda?
Amanda?
Here. breathe into this.
My heart!
Your heart's fine.
You're having a panic attack.
Breathe into the bag.
Mom told me this might happen,
like when you got audited.
What's with your eye?
She's leaving me!
I know.
We had a long talk.
It was a tough decision.
She's been writing the letter
for a month.
She started thinking about
me being gone,
just you, her,
alone, the house.
She started crying
all the time.
You thought it was allergies.
She was going to stick around
until I left for skidmore,
but she was so freaked
that I told her
I'd understand if she split now.
You're the only one
who didn't notice.
The dogs hardly eat anymore.
She won't answer her cell.
How do you know?
Because she wants
time to herself.
Where is she?
You know where she is,
don't you?
Tell me where she is!
I said that I wouldn't.
Were you raised by wolves?!
Would you chill?
Chill! where is she?
Gloria amerantz's.
Shit! oh!
That woman hates me.
Ever since I told her
she looked good pregnant
and it was just fat.
Where the hell are my car keys?
You don't want to do this.
If she calls
while I'm gone,
tell her I'm on my way.
Oh! bollocks!
Where is she?
Go home!
Get off my property!
Amanda!
Get out of here!
Ah!
Bastard!
Get out!
She doesn't want
to talk to you, you creep!
Let me in!
Let me in!
Uh!
Justin: so, what'd
she say exactly?
Ben: well, she said
she had some new things
she wanted to learn.
Cello, prime numbers...
Didn't want to die off
while she was still alive,
whatever that means.
Wanted to go to machu picchu,
this holy rain forest in Peru.
Needed time to reassess.
I said fine, I'd give
her the night off to ponder.
Maybe take her
for a Peruvian lunch somewhere.
Couscous.
I think she'll love it.
What do you think?
It's going to take
more than a plant.
It's not just a plant.
It's a bonsai.
The lady in the store
said it's the transmuted
and the transcendent
in one container,
which I think fits right in
with the holy rain forest thing.
[ Woman humming
toreador song from "carmen" ]
[ Humming continues ]
da-da-da-da,
da-da-da-da
da-da--
what a surprise.
I told you
I'd be back today.
This is for you.
What a nice little
ugly highway plant.
Man: now, Gloria, come on.
That's a beautiful
Juniper cutting.
Actually, it's a bonsai.
The transmuted and transcendent
in one container.
It certainly is.
Yeah, transcendent
'cause its roots
aren't planted in the soil,
and transmuted
from a greater tree,
and yet still sufficient
unto itself.
You see the triangular pattern
right there.
That triangle represents
the three basic virtues
necessary to create a bonsai.
Truth, goodness and beauty.
Amanda: Curtis owns the nursery
where I buy my plants.
This is my husband, Ben.
A real pleasure
to meet you.
Gloria: Curtis and your wife
are doing my backyard
because your wife
refuses to be a guest here
without contributing something,
and Curtis refuses to allow
her to do it by herself,
because he is a mensch,
and because he's a genius
when it comes to greenery.
Come on, show me where you
want the bride roses, huh?
He talks
like a rodeo rider.
He's a horticulturist
from the south.
I don't like him.
You don't have
to like him.
He's my friend.
And I need all the friends
i can get right now.
Gloria: they should be about
this high and in the back.
Look, I know
about Dr. edelbaum.
Whatever it is
with you and your mother,
I can see you through.
My mother's insane, too,
as you know.
She just never cut up my clothes
because I was thinner than her.
Did you read my letter, Ben?
Yes, I did,
and I understand.
Justin gone,
no longer a mom,
mostly a wife, a woman.
Look, if you want to have
a little work done,
there's a guy
on the same floor as me.
We can get a discount.
Lower lids, upper lids.
Whatever you want.
I'm not coming home
with you, Ben.
Justin: oh!
That stuff stinks.
Well, it is shit.
You know,
being a landscape artist
is like painting
with nature.
With very stinky brushes.
[ Laughter ]
But in the end,
you do get to smell a Rose.
[ Sighs ]
I keep thinking that, if I hope
hard enough, he'll be there.
You know,
like he used to be.
But I -- I can't...
I can't let myself do that.
I can't keep hoping.
He told me
to get my eyes done.
[ Laughs ]
Ooh!
Oh.
Are you sure
you're going to be okay?
Yes, and so will he.
Think so?
He always is.
Ben, off-key with recording:
heaven is a place on earth
yeah, baby,
we're goin' up!
oooooh, heaven
is a place on earth
oooooh, heaven
is a place on earth
ooooooh, heaven
is a place on earth
ooooh, heaven
is a place on earth
ooooh, heaven
is a place on earth
Justin: dude, dad.
You got to eat.
Your mother and I fell in love
to that song.
She's leaving me
for a handyman.
He owns a nursery.
And they're just friends,
i think.
You know him?
I met him a few times
when I visited
her at the nursery.
How could you not tell me,
my own flesh and blood?
Look, it's not my fault that
you didn't see this coming.
You got to get out of bed --
there's nothing
wrong with you, dude.
Chronic fatigue syndrome
is a very serious ailment, dude.
You don't have
chronic fatigue syndrome.
You became a doctor
while I was in the bathroom?
I googled it.
If you have it,
you got to have...
Tender lymph nodes,
muscle pain,
multi-joint pain,
severe loss of short-term
memory, headaches.
I have all of that.
'Cause you're sucking down
a huge amount of alcohol.
Know what this is?
Liquor.
This is sloe gin fizz.
Know what your mother
told me back in the day?
This is the drink
that Scott Fitzgerald
drank himself to death on.
He was her favorite writer,
gatsby was
her favorite character,
and I was her favorite guy,
yes, sirree.
Now she looks at me
like I'm a stranger.
I don't know
who I am anymore.
That's very deep.
It is?
You think you could tell
her that I'm deep?
She...she listens to you.
I'll give it a shot,
but try to lay off
the booze, okay?
[ Groans ]
I'm on fire in the club
girls on the floor,
getting wild in the club
girls over there
showing nothing but love, hey
I'm on fire
in the club
girls on the floor
getting wild in the club
do you mind?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I in your way?
throwing up in the air
hi, Dr. bingham.
I'll call you back.
Hey, doc.
Whoa.
He looks, like,
totally wasted.
He is totally wasted.
Why is he wearing
a scarf?
It's my mom's.
He likes breathing it.
Sadness.
How long has he been
in pajamas?
Too long.
Where are the stairs?
Behind you, dad.
Aha.
[ Panting, snoring ]
[ Gunfire,
explosions on television ]
See, you're the green,
and you're the master chief,
and you want to kill
all the aliens and zombies.
But we're at level 15,
so maybe you should start
at the tutorial, yeah?
Dude, check this out!
He's awesome!
Dude, he couldn't
find the stairs.
Maybe we should
take him with us.
To the party?
We could put him in a room,
and maybe they have a game
he could play there.
What are you on?
I think I should
stay with him.
What do you think
he's going to do,
invite a bunch
of doctors over,
and rent a keg
and trash the place?
Dad?
We're going to go out.
I don't want you driving.
You want to go somewhere,
call a cab, okay?
Bye, Dr. bingham.
Bye, doc.
Feel better.
Morning.
Morning.
[ Explosions on television ]
Dad?
Dude!
What are you doing?
I've destroyed
all the aliens and the zombies.
There's nothing
left to destroy,
so I'm going
for my personal best.
How much coffee
have you had?
Lots. lots of coffee.
Your mother and I used to drink
a lot of coffee together.
Drip coffee.
I'd make her a cup.
She'd make me a cup.
I'd make...
Kiss it goodbye,
piece-of-shit wanker,
pissant toe-rag!
Yeah!
What are you doing?!
You want to get mom back?
I can get her back?
Not if you're pathetic
and insane.
I've got two million points.
How can I be pathetic?
You think I'm pathetic?
I mean, noticeably?
Sometimes you got
to work things
from the outside in, okay?
Mom is this
incredibly gorgeous woman,
if you really look at her.
I looked
at her all of the time.
But did you see her?
Here's the deal.
Take the peacock.
I bet you think the one
with the amazing feathers
is the chick, but it's the guy.
The male peacock spreads
its tail to attract the female.
The more intense his feathers,
the better he does.
Know what I mean?
No.
You want to stay
out here all day?
Yes.
Fine.
get up,
get on the floor, boy
come on and get sexy
get up,
get on the floor, boy
we're jamming, I said get up,
get on the floor, boy...
[ Ben grunting ]
Come on.
You're dying on me here, man.
I need lunch!
What did you used to press,
back in the day?
I didn't press.
I was in medical school.
Then how'd you get
an upper body?
I was born with it.
I had a lower one
and the upper one came with it.
I can't do this anymore.
Okay, well, let's at least
do something about your hair.
Would you stop?
For $285, I think I can
touch my hair.
That's including products.
You really think I'm going to
wash my hair with bee pollen,
use ylang-ylang mousse
for volume?
I can't believe I'm letting
you do this to me.
How do you feel
about your clothes?
I feel like
I'm wearing clothes.
You think your clothes
go with your hair?
No, thank the lord.
Who wears this?
Spies?
No one in our neighborhood
wears this color.
Black isn't a color.
It's the absence of color.
I look like
an undertaker.
You look good.
I look stupid.
You don't know what good is,
so you think you look stupid.
hey!
Yo!
It's very noisy in here.
Come say hi.
Last time they saw you,
you were wearing mom's scarves.
Come on.
Major improvement, Dr. b.
Your hair is astounding!
Oh, I love the outfit.
Cut it out.
Dude, you're slammin'.
Thank you.
I assume that's a good thing.
So I guess
I'll be on my way.
No, no.
Hang for a minute.
Yeah, come.
Hey, can I borrow this?
Well, maybe for a minute.
Hey.
Justin: hey.
Where you been?
Around.
Call me, okay?
Hey.
hey.
Miss you.
I bet you didn't know
your son was so popular.
They're just friends.
They're not just friends.
They're special kind of friends.
Can we order, please?
Some cokes, guac.
You want a beer or something?
Only if you have
your I.D. On you.
Excuse me?
I need to make sure
that you're over 21.
Well, of course I am.
I'm way over.
Okay.
I'll take your word for it.
I'll be right back.
I think she's into you,
Dr. b.
Oh, please.
I happen to be married.
My dad's married.
He dates.
Did you get my text?
Justin:
yeah, I think I did.
I'll be on my cell.
Cool.
You certainly seem to have
a lot of special friends.
You can't have too many
friends with benefits.
I have,
like, zero.
'Cause you exude zero.
What's that
supposed to mean?
What does "benefits" mean?
You...
Probably call it sex.
What?
Benefits.
And so would we,
'cause that's what it is.
This is so not happening.
Not that we're friends
with benefits.
You never want
to hook up with people
from the same school.
If you do it too much,
you get a bad profile.
What is wrong with you?
How many friends with benefits
do you have exactly?
Oh, my god.
Check this out, the waitress
gave you her number.
She wants you to call her.
Please, I know
nothing about her.
You should invite her to
the party we're going to.
What?
He's cool, dude.
He's my father, "dude."
Now I know what you do
'til 5.30 in the morning
with your friends.
Benefiting.
I'll talk to you later.
What about your beer?
Oh, another time.
Thank you.
Thank you anyway.
Ah, you're very courteous.
I love that in a man.
Come back.
I'll wait on you
anytime, okay?
Sure. cool.
Later.
[ Mumbles ]
Oh, thank you.
[ Mumbles ]
Oh, he works downtown.
I can give you his name
if you'd like.
Oh, yeah.
I'd like it.
I think he's a genius.
Hi.
Dr. Lisa levanthorp,
neurosurgery.
We met at the raffle
last year.
Of course.
So, do you know what I think
when I look at you?
Messy eater?
No. mensa material.
Try this on for size --
Jack and Phoebe,
they're in a car,
traveling at 50 miles
an hour, heading south.
A train is going at 80 miles
an hour heading due east.
Who is Jack's
brother-in-law?
[ Snorts ]
Just jesting.
Uh, so, would you
like to attend a mensa social
with me next Thursday?
It's a buffet.
All you can think. [ Snorts ]
Oh, don't be shy.
The whole world
knows you're separated.
[ Snorts ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Telephone rings ]
Hello.
Ben: is she there?
Yes, she's here.
We're cooking dinner.
And we have a guest.
Thank you.
What is it, Ben?
Someone told me
we're separated.
I know it's a small town,
but I don't remember agreeing
to any kind of...
Anyway, who's the guest?
None of your business.
Excuse me.
I think it is my business.
It's Curtis.
Really?
Why are you cooking
him dinner?
He's cooking me dinner.
Amanda?
[ Car passes, horn blaring ]
Rollerblades!
No!
Why can't we just have
one conversation...
Can we stop
talking about this?
I'd appreciate it
if you could be
a little bit quieter
and respect the fact
that other people live here.
What's up, dad?
What's up is I'd like someone
to make me dinner, cook for me,
care for me
and make sure I'm fed.
All right, you can have
some of my big Mac,
some of your filet-o-fish,
your popeyes popcorn shrimp
and...
Some mcflurry
for later.
That's disgusting.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Uh.
Does anyone
hear that but me?
[ Shouting ]
Woman: hey.
I brought us some
fresh, raw yellowtail,
toro, freshwater eel.
And I make my own wasabi,
and I pickle my own ginger.
I'm a double Sushi freak.
Who are you?
It's me, silly.
Looking good,
Darlene.
Girl: you kids have fun.
Guy: way to go, Dr. b.
Okay. bye.
Wait.
where are you going?
Why don't
i just get started?
Lucky she showed,
you being so hungry and all.
Look, if mom's
into the horticulturist...
Christ, does the whole world
know he's making her dinner?
Well, if he is,
you have the right
to have Sushi
with your nurse.
What are you saying?
I'm saying that...
I want you to be happy.
Oh, thank you.
And I think it would
be a good idea
if you were with more than
one woman before you die.
Hold on.
How can you be talking
to me like this?
You have the whole house
to yourself.
I'll be out until late.
Really late.
So enjoy and...Be safe.
It's 'cause I grew up with
my 13-year-old daughter.
After her father split, she
and I did everything together.
I always dug her style.
[ Microwave beeps ]
And you thought I was just
some boring old nurse.
Well, I hope
you're a nurse.
I have let you administer
anesthetics, after all.
Uh...no, thanks.
I don't drink warm liquor.
It's made out of rice.
It's good for you.
I'll take a pass.
And, uh,
as for the raw fish,
call me crazy,
but when I look at it, I think,
"turn on the grill."
[ Laughs ]
Do you have a cd player?
Uh, in the living room.
Be right back.
[ Asian music plays ]
[ Hip hop plays ]
Aren't they amazing?
I'm a total hip hop freak.
This sake
doesn't taste like much.
So you like it?
I don't know.
It's...it's like drinking
hot tea without the tea flavor.
Here, try this.
They go together.
Ooh!
Chew!
Oh!
Have more of this.
Ooh!
Ugh!
[ Coughs ]
I'm so sorry.
[ Urinating ]
[ Knock on door ]
Darlene:
are you okay in there?
Yes, fine. Why?
Have I been
in here a long time?
[ Flushes toilet ]
[ Hip hop plays ]
Oh, yeah.
Come on, don't leave me
hanging here.
You got to get into it.
Bounce it! Bounce it!
There you go.
come here
and watch me move it
shake it, make it bounce,
make it bounce, bounce
shake it,
make it bounce
get down!
Get down! Down!
Shake it!
Make it bounce!
Yeah!
Oh!
So where are you from?
Des moines.
Interesting.
Ben: how did you get
to long island?
Train.
[ Laughs ]
What a sweet little chortle.
Do it again.
I can't just chortle
like that.
Yeah.
It's not fair.
Oh, lord.
We go to the same school.
We can't do this.
[ Dogs barking ]
[ Sighs ]
Uh.
Morning.
sorry about the mess.
We made a lot of Sushi,
which has a way
of slipping through
your hands.
And that wasabi
can really blind you
so that you can't even see
the kind of mess
that you're making.
Dad, I'm glad
you had a good time.
I didn't have a good time.
Then why do you have glitter
in your hair?
[ Glitter pattering on floor ]
Oh, Christ.
It isn't easy
being your role model.
It never would've happened,
except she said
sake was good for me,
because it was made out of rice,
and she is my nurse, after all.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Oh, my god.
Do you think
she forgot an earring?
Tell her I went
to the store.
Dad, open the door.
I can't -- I don't know what to
say to her when it's daylight.
You want me
to open the door?
Yes!
Okay, I'm going to open it,
but think of something
to say that won't make
her feel embarrassed
or dumb for coming
back, okay?
Okay.
Hello.
nice to see you again.
Uh, I must admit,
i don't remember much
of what transpired
last night, but...
Dad, it's mom,
of all people.
Oh, hi.
What a surprise.
Pardon the mess.
Two guys on their own,
some things get messy.
Down. sit. Stay.
Heel. shoo!
Shoo! shoo!
Actually, I came by to ask
if I could borrow one of them.
I miss them.
What about yours truly?
Miss me?
What happened to your hair?
New cut.
You like it?
It's different.
What is that?
What?
On your neck.
My neck?
What a terrible smudge.
Nasty bruise.
Looks like some kind
of toothed spider thing.
Maybe while I was clearing out
the debris behind the garage.
Or paint cans.
Fibreboard.
It's all right, Ben.
It is?
What's all right?
I'm cool.
[ Laughs ]
Curtis and I...
Are more than friends
now.
Don't tell me.
With benefits.
Are there benefits involved?
How could you?
I'm going to take sherman.
Who?
The dog.
The depressive.
I'm way more depressed than
the dog and so will you be,
when you realize what you've
done to us.
Oh, Benny.
I love
when you call me that.
It is obvious that
we have raised a great kid.
Obviously.
and now it is time
for both of us to have
the experience of being
with other people, finally.
Listen to me.
People from the south
marry their cousins.
He could have a contagious
genetic thing for all you know.
Mutant saliva.
For your information,
this wasn't just any old spider.
It was my nurse.
I have her on record somewhere.
I could look her up if I wanted
to, find out if she's a felon.
Dad.
what?
Chill.
I don't know how to.
I don't know what it means!
And so you know,
i was trying
to be a peacock for you.
I have new feathers
and everything.
And you're throwing it
over for a guy
who knows what kind of Daisy
goes with a peeny?
Peony.
Goodbye, Ben.
I'll talk to you soon, honey.
See you, mom.
[ "Heaven is a place
on earth" plays ]
Normal.
I'm burning up.
Look, think of mom as...
The bigs.
The Yankees, okay?
And so she's doing some new...
Infielding right now.
So, maybe if you spent
some time
in the minors brushing up
on your reflexes,
you'll be the number one pick
for the bigs next season.
What are you talking about?
Look what I found online.
Karaoke Kim's?
It's '80s night.
Isn't that great?
Would you rather listen
to "heaven and earth" here
or at karaoke Kim's?
"Heaven is a place
on earth."
See?
All the other people
there will
know that, too -- you'll have
a lot in common, so...
You want to wear
your brushed cotton
or your linen?
Hmm.
You ready to go in?
No.
What's the worst
that can happen in there?
I'll sweat.
My jacket'll get ruined.
I want a frozen yogurt.
The worst
is you'll get rejected.
But rejection isn't death.
Even though it feels like it,
it's...just rejection.
"Rejection isn't death."
Woman: hey.
Hey.
This is where
we're going to hang?
It's for my dad.
Dad, this is Layla.
They named
her after some song,
maybe you'll get
to sing tonight.
"Layla's" from the '70s,
not the '80s,
though it really
is timeless.
I would never sing it.
It's...it's all about
the riffs.
I'm surprised
you didn't know that.
Rejection isn't death,
is it?
Come on.
Rejection isn't death.
Rejection isn't death.
say goodbye
to conventional ways
you can't escape the hours
you lose track of the days
the more you understand
seems the more like you do
you never get away
everybody wants you
everybody
wants you
everybody wants you
yeah!
God, he's good!
Justin: stunning.
[ Cheers and applause ]
we're running
with the shadows of the night
so, baby, take my hand,
it'll be all right
surrender all your dreams
to me tonight
they'll come true
in the end
[ whistling and applause ]
you said, oh, girl,
it's a cold world
when you keep it all
to yourself
to yourself!
I said you can't...
I have got to get out of here.
Shh! show
a little respect, please.
you've ever felt
ransom my heart,
but, baby, don't look back
'cause we got nobody else
else
we're running
with the shadows
of the night
so, baby, take my hand,
it'll be all right
surrender all your dreams
to me tonight
they'll come true
in the end
we're running
with the shadows of the night
so, baby, take my hand,
it'll be all right
surrender all your dreams
to me tonight...
what is wrong
with him?
Nothing.
can you hear them?
they talk about us
telling lies...
they were giving me a lift home,
but they wanted to stop
and show me their twin things.
Then they got out some wine
and now they want
to sandwich dance.
no secrets to reveal...
like they're the bread,
and I'm the sliced Turkey
in the middle.
Do you know how many guys
fantasize about being
in exactly the same
situation you're in?
No.
Try every guy whose balls
have dropped.
Hey.
remember when you told me
to go out for soccer,
you said even if I liked it
for one minute,
that's one minute more
than if I'd never tried.
Did I say that?
And what happened?
You made the team.
I made captain.
Try it for a minute.
If you don't like it,
call me
and I'll come get you.
You promise?
Promise.
So even though we're identical,
we have these things...
Which tell us apart --
like she has...
This trident tattoo
right here.
Because she's into Neptune
and the sea,
norse kind of things.
And she has...
This infinity symbol.
'Cause it's
her lucky number.
[ Chuckling ] [ chuckling ]
So, Ben, what are your
distinguishing marks?
Oh, I... I don't have any.
Oh, come on.
Everyone's got
something.
Let's look.
our lips are sealed
hi.
Hi.
Dr. bingham.
"Ben" is fine.
So if I go
month by month,
does that work out cheaper
than buying
a whole series of classes?
I see thousands
of doctors.
Really?
So if I don't use
the towels,
do you drop
the $50 charge?
I'm not sick, it's just i
believe in early detection.
Knock wood, and I adore
the medical sciences.
Plus Jewish parents.
Their first question is,
"is he a doctor, a lawyer?"
Between you and me,
i hate lawyers.
Me, too.
Isn't that wonderful?
I loathe them.
When do we start?
I think we already
have.
We have?
Yeah.
Wonderful opera singer.
Never thought
she'd sing again.
I located and removed
the nodule.
She still sends me
Christmas cards.
That's fabulous.
Ahhh!
Drug use.
Lost his sense of smell.
I went in, repaired the entire
olfactory receptor system.
Wow!
Oh!
Ah!
Of course, I haven't done
open-heart surgery,
but I have observed.
And I think if I found myself
on a dark country road one night
and it was needed,
i could pull it off.
That is amazing.
Yeah.
[ Clears throat ]
Yeah.
I just worked out
with Hannah rosenblum
and I was wondering, could i
get her on a regular basis?
Yeah.
Thank you.
I can't believe your dad
actually
got us tickets
to the arctic monkeys.
Every time he stays out
all night, he feels guilty.
I wish my dad felt guilty.
I'd have, like,
a private jet or something.
How can he be dating his nurse?
Isn't there an ethical thing?
She got a job
in a urologist's office
so they can date.
Did he ever tell you about what
it's like with the twins?
You don't really think
he'd let me in on that?
Maybe he'd let us in
on that.
All I know is they own
a catering business
specializing
in hors d'oeuvres.
Like a sex thing?
Like a tiny food thing.
We have a whole fridge
of it.
And your mom has
got the gardener guy,
so, basically,
they're like my parents now.
And mine, except
they don't know it.
I hate tiny food.
Yah!
[ Giggling,
laughter ]
Body karate!
She's pretty smoking,
huh?
[ Speaking Russian ]
She's okay.
[ Speaking Russian ]
Um, may I?
Thank you.
15 bucks tip?
15.50.
Give them 16 and
we'll get free mints.
You guys go.
I'll catch a train later.
Dude, arctic monkeys!
Can we sell your ticket?
[ Giggling ]
[ Shrieks ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Classical quartet plays ]
Can I have
an autograph?
You were amazing.
So, what was she like?
So, what happened?
So was it, like,
unbelievable?
You know,
being cool is cool,
and then when you're
like too cool,
it's really not cool
anymore.
Or is what you're saying
what happened is, like,
too cool for me to ask?
Okay, fine. I won't ask.
I don't have to ask.
I don't even care.
Was it like an inner
body thing or an outer?
Were there bodies involved?
Later.
Were there just looks and stuff?
Hey!
Hey. Dr. b, you want to rack up
some points?
I'm really in a hurry,
but...
Come on.
Yeah! okay.
Your nurse called to remind you
about meeting her for Sushi.
Tonight?
That's what she said.
But I'm having dinner with
a devout Jewish woman.
It's her sabbath and we're
having matzo.
Have an early dinner
with her.
And late dinner
with the Sushi freak.
Is that legal?
Yeah.
Doc, when you're in demand,
that's the way it goes down.
Hey, that's
a rockin' cap.
Oh, my god.
My, uh...
[Clears throat]
My stylist said
it would wash out over time.
Well, it looks radical.
Spectacular.
it's amazing.
You think so?
Yeah.
It's like who you
were meant to be.
Wow!
Yeah.
yeah.
Wow!
Wow!
You think this goes?
I mean, is it okay
for an early and a late dinner?
I don't have to get changed
in between, do I?
Why am I having so much fun?
You have a lot of people
liking you, you're popular.
Just like someone else
i know.
I met someone.
A girl.
Well, that
doesn't surprise me.
Oh, she's... different.
Cool.
Keeps things interesting,
right?
I have got to shower.
have some Sushi!
Some matzo!
some sake!
Some manischewitz!
could I borrow
your urbantrack skechers?
I don't feel right in my
florsheims.
I think we're the same size,
aren't we?
Oh!
Have I thanked you
for helping me become radical,
spectacular and amazing?
Well, thank you.
Again and again,
thank you.
[ Man chanting torah ]
Baruch atah adonai.
Barush atad noise.
[ Man speaking
Japanese ]
[ Speaking mock
Japanese ]
we drove a million miles
to be with you tonight
so if you're feelin' low
turn up your radio...
yeah!
Elohaynu
melekh ha'olam.
Alahanu
malesh alhem.
[ Shouting
in Japanese ]
Kampai!
Kampai, kampai!
Yaah!
rip it up
move down
rip it up
move it down to the ground
rip it up
move down
melekh ha'olam borei,
peri ha'etz.
Halem minge
and collarettes.
Amein.
Amen.
Pull.
Oh!
Don't eat it 'cause
of the carbs, but...
Smell it.
Oh!
Oh!
[ Laughing,
speaking Russian ]
I was wondering if you would
autograph this for me?
Um, yes, of...
Of course.
Thank you.
Thank you for asking.
Well, I admire your
dancing greatly.
And I was wondering if you
would care
to have dinner with me
or dine with me sometime?
Uh, we all go eat now.
You may come if you like.
I like, yes.
That would be wonderful.
That would be... really great.
[ Laughter,
crowd speaking Russian ]
[ Speaking Russian ]
They are discussing
the performance tonight.
The mistakes.
I thought it went
very well.
That's because you don't know
nothing about the ballet.
Well, maybe not.
Not a whole lot, anyway.
You know, valeriya has
a boyfriend in her hometown.
They are engaged.
You will never succeed
with her.
I've been in love with her
for years.
She thinks only of fyodor.
[ Speaking Russian ]
[ Speaking Russian ]
[ Russian dance plays ]
I was wondering if you'd care
to have coffee tomorrow.
Tea, snack.
I have class.
Well, after class.
I have another class.
I'm sorry.
Okay, fine.
I understand.
Some other time.
Hi.
Hi. hi.
Nice outfit.
They're jeans.
They're nice.
Stylish.
Thanks.
You're blond.
Shall we let them go?
Why not?
Come on, Lester.
There you go.
Shall we sit?
Yeah.
So, Justin called and told me
what he was going through.
And I... I wanted you and i
to discuss it in person.
Discuss what?
Ben, he's in love.
Who's he in love with?
A ballerina.
I don't think so.
Why don't you think so?
He would've told me.
And he doesn't know
any ballerinas.
He met her in the city.
She's Russian
and he's crazy about her.
I want him to be able
to share this with you.
I guess he didn't feel
you'd be very empathetic,
what with your new
lifestyle and all.
Lester! Jesus.
Lester!
Ben: what lifestyle?
Oh, please! Ben, you're
sleeping with
your nurse,
a gymnast and twins.
It's a small town.
I hate this town, and she's
a trainer, not a gymnast.
Lester,
come back here!
I know it's unfair.
But I'm just the same
as a million other guys.
For god's sake,
Lester!
Ben: look at him --
he's been neutered.
He's humping everything
in sight.
Well, I haven't
been neutered.
And the midlife thing
is different for me
than you.
You have eggs
that dry up.
I have a kind of longevity
that lasts forever,
biology's
inexplicable gift.
Sad but true.
There's nothing
i can do about it.
I think we should sell
the house.
It's a family house,
which certainly
doesn't pertain anymore.
Forget about alimony.
I don't want to be beholden
to you for anything.
Sherman!
Are you saying we're
getting divorced?
Sherman!
I'm only playing
in the minors
so I can be smashing
in the bigs.
And you're the bigs,
Amanda.
You're the bigs.
Amanda...
Aaah!
[dog whining]
For Christ's sakes.
Give it a rest,
will you?
Amanda! Amanda!
[ Dog whimpering ]
Son?
Uh, Sally can't sell the house
without seeing all the rooms.
I know it's a bad time for you,
for all of us.
I have a closing
in 20 minutes.
Your mom told me
about the Russian ballerina.
All I can say is, love can be
like that,
give you a headache,
make you nauseous,
feel like you have
a fatal disease,
but that's no reason
to not have breakfast.
[Thud!]
Justin: leave me alone.
Maybe I should come
back on Monday.
Yeah.
Nice try, Dr. b.
Ben: I don't know where
my mind is.
Do you want
to just take a free one?
Oh, no. Fair and square.
Want some fudge?
I made it myself.
Oh, thanks anyway, I'm trying
to stay away from sweets.
Hey, it's really good.
Maybe he doesn't want any.
Don't be a drag.
All right, just one piece.
Mm. very good.
May I?
Sure, yeah.
I just think, as his friends,
it would be easier
if you tried to get him out
of his room.
Love's weird, dude.
Dr. b.
You can call me
"dude."
Anyways, he won't talk to us
about it.
It's like throwing a ball
against a curtain.
Excuse me?
It doesn't bounce back.
[ Cell phone rings ]
I'm supposed to be somewhere.
The twins?
It's okay, we know.
Really? well, matter of fact,
it was one of them.
[ Cell phone rings ]
The other one?
No. someone else.
You're the man, dude!
You're the man!
this morning I woke up
and something had changed...
aaaah!
aaaah!
I felt kind of good
and it felt kind of strange
there's something
going on here
and maybe
it's a brand-new world
or I'm just crazy insane
so everything's different
I guess that's okay
'cause those thoughts
that used to hold me down
have all gone away
come on, come on
get up, get up
let's go...
man: we're closed.
Why is it so weird
to be in love with someone?
What's your issue?
Tell him.
Tell me what?
She's in love
with David schatz.
Who?
I hate you!
No, you don't.
It's the fudge.
Yeah, you two always get
all emo on pot.
Who's David schatz?
With the band.
Garage band?
No, the marching band.
Pot?
Wait.
like the drummer guy?
Like the glockenspiel guy.
Huh?
It's really hard to play it
and march at the same time.
He doesn't even know I'm alive.
Sadness.
Pot.
Pot fudge.
You really should have
told him.
He's cool. Right?
You feel a buzz?
I feel like my head's
really far away
from my feet.
Far out.
Really far out.
Like a mile.
I'm sorry you're
in pain.
It's okay.
No, it's not.
I'm getting divorced.
I'm in pain, too.
I'm in a great deal
of pain.
It's just the fudge.
No, it's the pain.
It's a painful time.
My son's in pain.
We're all in pain, except my
wife, which is very painful.
Unless...
She is in pain,
but she's not showing it.
Oh, she's probably in pain.
I hope so.
Yeah.
You've got to work with me here.
That attic could be a rec room,
an extra kid's room.
Get rid of the junk by Tuesday.
I'm having an open house.
Uggh!
What are you doing?
She saved my jockstrap
from college.
[ Panting ]
She used to wear it on her head
to make me laugh.
She knew me so well.
She made our costumes
every Halloween.
We went as a right shoe,
a left shoe.
I was a ham once,
she was the Swiss cheese.
Our honeymoon in the Caymans,
there was a hurricane.
We stayed inside,
we put on all our diving
equipment
and went diving
for each other.
All the toys you ever had.
Animals with horns scared you,
so she bought this moose
headband
and wore it around the house.
She didn't want you
to be afraid of anything.
She saved every birthday card,
every anniversary card.
She saved it all.
Every little piece of our lives.
Our whole lives together.
I've lost my life.
[ Chainsaw revs ]
Your range is fantastic
and the endurance is...
It's better than good.
It's great.
It's great endurance.
Sorry. I don't mean
to interrupt you.
I just wanted to tell you
that I've given up
my membership.
I'm going to start riding
a real bike outside.
Well, this is
Dr. sy frieman.
He's one of the top
orthopaedic surgeons
in the country.
The sultan of Brunei
flew him over
to repair
his lumbar disc.
You can leave
your locker key
at the front desk.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
I'm so proud of you.
Excuse me. I just...
I get a little excited.
Hm. fresh, fresh,
fresh, fresh, fresh.
Hi!
Katsu's making us
a whole tuna tataki platter.
What's this?
What the hell?!
Asshole!
Please, let's not
make this ugly.
Make it ugly?
Well, then, screw you.
I don't want your dumb,
lame,
stupid-ass goodbye gifts.
Who are you
leaving me for?
Don't lie to me.
Who is she?!
My wife.
Your wife?
Really?
You are so...
Boring!
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
And thank you for
everything, uh...
Uh, sorry for the,
uh...
In any case, uh...
Sayonara.
too much, too little, too late
to lie again with you
[off-key falsetto]
too much, too little,
too late
to try again with you
we're in the middle
of ending
something that we knew
and it's over
it's over
oh, oh, oh
over
over
over
hey! hi, Dr. b.
Where are you going?
My stepsister's
having a barbecue.
We thought it was time
he got out.
Hold up. You can't
go to a barbecue.
See you later.
Wait a minute!
What about
the ballerina?
I want to get over it,
okay?
I've been bummed ever since
i saw her.
I don't want a fatal disease.
It's not freaking worth it.
Yes, it is.
Listen to me.
Fatal diseases can put
you in touch
with very big things,
how precious every
single moment can be,
how never to throw it away on
things that don't matter.
You know about peacocks
and early and late dinners.
I know about love.
You're getting divorced,
dad.
Do you have to go there?
Come on, give me a chance.
Dude? dudettes?
Help me out here.
There'll always be
a barbecue, right?
[ Pulls hand brake ]
Number one,
you have to enter her world.
Big Russian ballet.
Big Russian guy.
Tchaikovsky.
"swan lake."
What happens is prince siegfried
falls in love with a Princess
who was turned into a swan
by an evil sorcerer.
Siegfried meets another swan
who he thinks is the first swan,
says he'll marry her,
realizes he's made
a big mistake
and he and the first swan
jump into the lake
and commit suicide.
These chicks have,
like, no tits.
Okay, extend one leg.
Bring it back.
Extend the other one.
Now, do it fast.
[ Laughing ]
Okay, try it again.
It's all about balance, okay?
Watch. extend one leg.
Extend the other.
Now, fast.
Agh! agh!
What? what?
My groin!
I pulled the groin area,
i think.
Get me ice!
Yeah, yeah. We're on it.
Thanks for your sympathy.
[ Whines ]
Maybe ice isn't the best thing
for a groin.
My testicles are numb
and very tiny.
You know, all this stuff's
a little insane.
Dying swans, leg kicks.
She's going to appreciate
the effort.
And when all else fails,
you do this.
What is that?
You take your two fingers,
run them
slowly down the side of
her face -- try it.
Like this.
Slowly.
Delicately.
Like she's
a wounded pigeon.
Good.
Now...
There's a look you have
to give her.
What is that?
A look.
A look that says she's
the answer
to every riddle,
all your questions.
What questions?
Think of some.
No.
It has to be
really important questions.
Questions you can't even
put into words, like...
"Ah, ble-ble-ble,
ah, ble-ble..."
And the look
has to be a look
you're amazed
at yourself to be giving
because you've never
given it
to anyone but her.
You look like you're
out of your mind.
Not to a woman.
Watch.
This is how the whole thing goes
when you've perfected it.
hi-ya-hi-ya
ta-da...
hi-ya-hi-ya
ta-da...
ha-za-za-za...
ha-za-za-za
haza-boo-boo-boo-boo
haza-boo-boo-boo-boo
boo
boo
I don't think you have it.
Oh, I think he has it.
Thanks for...
Whatever.
Promise me you'll practice
in your room.
[ Cell phone rings ]
Hello.
First of all, uh...
Kak dela...
Uh...
horoso?
It's me, the... the American.
And... and... and second,
I got your number from
the theater.
And third...
Would you like, by any chance,
to... see me later?
Okay, it's, um...
Kak dela.
And, um...
Horosho.
And, yes, um...
Okay.
All right.
After the performance?
That's great.
So... so I'll see you...
Later.
After.
Deuce vidinia.
[ Giggles ]
Do svidaniya.
Yes.
Would you please
take that off?
I want her
to see me in it.
Ben, she's going to think
you're a moron.
How do you like
the chocolates?
They're okay.
You know,
i used to weigh
120 pounds.
Ralph drove me
to obesity.
Oh, please.
You're full-figured.
Like those paintings
of women
with pink skin
and fruit.
Fertility goddesses.
Exactly.
I know you're trying
to get on my good side.
I swear to you,
if you help me,
you'll feel like
that person who picks up
that red phone at the last
minute and says,
"dang it all, let him live.
It's new year's."
Okay.
Come by later
for drinks.
And bring some chateau
st Jean cabernet.
It's 90 bucks a bottle,
but it is worth it.
Get three.
And some pate en croute
and vacherin fondue
with potatoes.
I'm on it.
Okay.
And, uh... when you
give this to her,
don't forget
to tell her...
That there's a whole attic
where this came from.
I know, I know. Go.
And pick up a few loaves
of olive bread while
you're at it, and some...
Chocolate mousse
with creme fraiche.
You know, for later.
I will do.
What's up?
I have plans for later.
So do I.
And how!
You can't go on your first date
looking like that.
What's wrong with how
i look?
You can't be serious.
How am I supposed to look?
Stop it. It's fine.
It's tight.
It's supposed to be tight.
You really wore
this sort of thing
back in the day?
She thought I looked
like gatsby.
Handsome, romantic, suave,
debonair.
I feel like
I'm five years old.
Good. humble is good.
You look great.
You know,
i really should be...
No, you shouldn't.
Ben: yes, he should,
if he wants to.
Or stay.
Have a cracker.
Yes,
everybody eat, enjoy.
Ben...
I'm fine not selling
the house.
It's where Justin grew up,
you should keep it.
Maybe you'll find someone new
to share it with.
How can you say that?
You know how long it takes to
get past going with a person?
You pick someone new,
you start all over again.
[ Cell phone rings ]
Dad.
Justin?
My heart, it's... I can't...
Calm down. What --
what is it?
He's fine. He thinks he's
having a heart attack.
What?
She loved the flowers, my tie,
said okay to dinner.
She's saying goodbye to her
friends to be with me alone.
I can't breathe.
I'm seriously unable
to breathe.
Dude, I need a paper bag.
Listen to me.
You're going to be fine.
Beginnings are full of heart
attacks, and endings.
But the middle, when you get
to know everything about her,
how scared she is of squirrels
and hates parades
and loves handel's Messiah,
is ashamed of her crooked toes
and saw you through a very bad
night when you felt
you should've been a doctor
doing something that mattered.
And how she had the Patience,
when you got trapped by
the trappings,
hoping you'd come around
and see the light,
and when you didn't,
felt so lonely,
she had no choice
but to leave you
in the dust
and do something beautiful
with her life
you didn't have the brains
to appreciate
and when you went off and
became a profligate idiot,
she was
still a one-man woman,
even though
it's the wrong man.
And maybe if you spend
the rest of your life
trying to make it up to her,
she'll give you another chance
because once upon a time,
she knew you were worth it.
I don't know what
you're talking about,
and here she comes,
and thanks for nothing.
I think it's best
you have
yourself to yourself
for now.
I won't be far.
Please, you don't
have to leave.
Yes, he does.
He just said so.
Don't contradict him.
Ben.
Go home.
You don't mean that.
Do you?
I have one...
[ Speaks Russian ]
One sister.
Yes, and, uh...
Brother, big.
Two...
big brothers.
Bro...brothers.
Okay.
two big brothers.
All right.
[ Cell phone rings ]
Excuse me.
What?
Ben: how are you doing?
Everything's good.
I got to go now.
Wait.
what is it?
Just don't forget to imprint
this memory in your brain
so you can feed off it
when you're not feeling
as great as you are now.
Sure thing. Bye.
Sorry.
Hey, hey.
What's happening?
You're a very compromised man.
I don't respect you.
I don't like you.
I'm deciding not to meddle,
'cause I know y'all ain't done
with each other yet.
And to be honest with you,
i don't have a taste for this.
Nice. very noble.
For the record,
i didn't like you either.
And if you think
I'm ever going to forgive you
for knowing what the inside
of her thighs look like,
you're a real bayou bohunk.
Hello?
I was just thinking,
the night's awfully young.
Don't do this.
Okay.
Get in your car.
Okay.
Uh, how is she?
Good night, Ben.
Hungry?
I could eat.
Justin: I couldn't even chew
in front of her.
Ben: chewing can look bad
when you're trying to look good.
She ate her whole salad,
chicken, string beans.
Wasn't afraid of chewing.
Wasn't afraid of anything.
I couldn't have eaten
a breadcrumb if I'd wanted to.
Nauseous?
Completely.
Me, too.
Do you have
a headache?
Pounding.
you?
Sledgehammer.
Kind of relaxing
not to have to say
brilliant things
every minute.
Try saying, "it's nice
to see you" in Russian.
You learned that?
I thought I had.
But she told me I said,
"it's nice to raincoat."
At least you didn't say,
"it's nice to underwear."
Thing is...
It was kind of worth it.
Like you said,
feeling like you have a fatal
disease and life is really...
Unbearable?
Yeah, and amazing
at the same time.
Love.
Fucking love.
I'm so glad you're coming.
Justin wanted me
to see her dance.
What are you wearing?
Why are you both
in penguin suits?
It's closing night.
It's a bit
of a gala type thing.
Shoot! [ laughs ]
I have to go back and change.
There's no time.
I think there's something here
that you can wear.
Something you may have forgotten
that you have.
[ Laughs ]
Ben: I went through everything.
I found this.
It's your eloping dress.
Oh, come on.
[ Laughs ]
You really think
I'm going to fit into something
I wore 20 years ago?
I guess it fits.
[ Classical quartet plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Jazz band plays ]
May I have the pleasure?
Sorry.
Goodness,
I...seem
to be all left feet.
You always were.
[ Russian dance ]
I've been looking
all over for you.
What is it?
[ Speaks Russian ]
Oh, please, please,
i want to understand.
Fyodor. he wasn't here
to see me dance.
Well, I was here.
I -- I saw you.
[ Speaks Russian ]
You're not him.
So who am I?
[ Speaks Russian ]
What's that mean?
A nothing?
A nobody?
A jerk?
You're nice.
So, you know...
For future reference...
That has to be the worst word
in the english language.
Ready to go?
What about...?
She's going back to vyborg,
to her boyfriend fyodor.
I don't know why,
i thought she liked me.
Or maybe I'm not used to girls
not liking me.
I feel like she did
like me a little.
Come here.
Let's go.
Justin: good night.
I can't believe
you let the hydrangeas go.
It's criminal.
I didn't have
the wherewithal to water,
lift a hose, fill a can.
Stop.
What did you say to him?
I told him...
To have loved and lost
isn't really better
than never to have
loved at all,
but that maybe,
unlike some of us,
his heart would heal in time,
hopefully before his funeral.
Justin: later.
Where are you going?
Layla called.
She wants to hang.
So, your heart's healed?
It will...In time.
Love you guys.
So...how about replanting
the hydrangeas?
Machu picchu
for a few months?
Learn the cello,
some prime numbers?
How about a cup of coffee?
I don't know.
Come on.
Know.
Don't look at me
like that.
Better?
I have to get out
of this dress.
What are you doing?
Ben: Amanda?!
Remember me?
ooh, baby, do you know
what that's worth
ooh, heaven
is a place on earth
[ laughter ]
they say in heaven
loves comes first
we'll make heaven
a place on earth
ooh, heaven
is a place on earth
when the night falls down,
i wait for you
and you come around
and the world's alive
with the sound of kids
on the street outside
when you walk into the room
you pull me close
and we start to move
and we're spinning
with the stars above
and you lift me up
in a wave of love
ooh, baby, do you know
what that's worth
ooh heaven
is a place on earth
they say in heaven
love comes first
we'll make heaven
a place on earth
ooh heaven
is a place on earth
when I feel alone
i reach for you
and you bring me home
when I'm lost at sea
I hear your voice
and it carries me
in this world
we're just beginning
to understand
the miracle of living
baby, I was afraid before
but I'm not afraid anymore
ooh, baby, do you know
what that's worth
ooh heaven
is a place on earth
they say in heaven
love comes first
we'll make heaven
a place on earth
ooh heaven
is a place on earth
heaven
ooh, ooh
ooh, ooh
ooh, baby, do you know
what that's worth
ooh heaven
is a place on earth
they say in heaven
love comes first
we'll make heaven
a place on earth
ooh heaven
is a place on earth
ooh heaven
is a place on earth
ooh heaven
is a place on earth