Love Is All There Is (1996) Movie Script
Once upon a time...
about three months ago
on a Tuesday...
this thing happened...
in a peaceful, tucked-away
part of the Bronx...
called City lsland...
a place that's many things.
To the sailor, it's sailing.
To the fisherman, it's fishing.
To the soul searcher,
it's soul searching.
That's me! Mona Barcavella,
psychic herbalist.
l'm doing my dance to conjure up
a good summer tourist trade...
but because City lsland
is home to ltalian Americans...
to them, it's eating.
Here food is king,
and no place was more beloved...
than the Prince Rosario
House of Cappamezza...
Gourmet Catering
and Original Wedding Designs...
ruled by
Sadie and Mike Cappamezza...
More hot pepper!
...whose Sicilian cooking
was known for hot colors...
spicy sauces,
and jumbo portions.
Then one day,
there opened across the bay...
the Royal House of Malacici
of Florence...
Continental Caterers
and Wedding Couturiers...
owned by real blue bloods
from ltaly...
Count and Contessa Malacici...
and they brought City lslanders
their Northern ltalian cuisine:
dainty, low-fat portions...
pastel colors, subtle flavors.
lt was inevitable...
between the two families
there would be bad blood.
Shakespeare once said,
''Hey! What's in a name?''
But he was wrong...
because Cappamezza
means ''half a head''...
and Malacici means ''bad beans.''
The story
begins Fourth of July...
when our local church
was about to put on...
its annual amateur benefit...
What if her eyes were there,
they in her head?
The brightness of her cheek
would shame those stars.
O, that l were
a glove upon that hand...
that l might touch that cheek.
Which brings us
to our heroine...
my best customer,
Sadie Cappamezza...
Ah, me.
You give me so much more
than lsabel Fasuli.
She weighs
How can l believe that's Juliet?
You got to make believe
you love her, too.
And the joy of her life,
Rosario Cappamezza...
the prince of the Prince Rosario
House of Cappamezza...
Gourmet Catering
and Original Wedding Designs.
Rudy, give me a break!
-l'm giving you 2/3 off!
-lt's still not enough.
Give it to her for cost.
Mary, the food
is for the church benefit.
l want a better price
than cost.
Better than cost?
We should take a loss?
When you give to God,
you get a huge tax deduction.
All right, half cost.
You're only halfway to heaven.
Go to hell!
All right,
you get it for nothing.
Here's $10 for the church.
Good morning, Dr. Rondino.
Good morning, Mrs. Rondino.
-Good morning.
-l break both arms.
My son, the dottore,
he fix them.
l never saw anyone
so accidental-prone...
like Mrs. Rondino.
Her son is the most eligible
doctor in the neighborhood...
but her broken bones
keeps him home.
Even Mother Teresa would call
a mother like that...
a bossy scuccamend.
Mrs. Rondino is not as dumb
as she looks.
Married sons, they turn on
their mothers now because...
daughter-in-laws, nothing
is sacred to them anymore.
My son Johnny
married this mamarel Louise.
Sweet girl.
Sweet?
l said to her one day...
''Would you mind carrying
my groceries, please?''
You know what she said to me?
''Carry your own
friggin' bags, bitch.''
Oh, my God.
l look over at my son Johnny...
and he's looking at her
like this.
My Rosario, he would
never ever treat me like that...
when he's old enough
to get married.
Taking anybody to
the charity ball after the show?
l'm helping Pop with the pasta.
How about l call
Angela Mercandante for you?
Ma, don't start with me.
What about l mention you
to Cathy Augustino's mother?
-Ma!
-Watch out!
ldiot! You cut me off!
We'll put you out of business,
you Sicilian swamp guinea!
l got the right of way!
You'll put your sister's ass...
out of business,
you Florentine mountain wop!
Rosario!
l'm sorry l cursed, Ma...
but if these Malacicis
think they're so good...
how come
they didn't stay in ltaly?
Rosario,
forget about the Malacicis.
You just think about
playing Romeo tonight...
that you're going to be
even better this year...
than you was last year
as Pinocchio.
Mona!
Hi!
This Malacici crisis
is making me crazy.
We're in debt up to here
from expanding...
and we may lose
the Fredericos...
the biggest wedding
of the season...
to these intruders!
l brought sfogliatelle.
My favorite!
l don't know if
my business can handle...
this kind of competition,
you know?
l haven't lost one pound
on my new diet.
And my husband hasn't
made love to me in weeks.
What am l going to do, Mona?
ls there another woman?
Blessed Roscoe says...
he sees your business
prospering.
The Blessed Roscoe says...
keep looking at the sunny side.
Good. Good.
Who's the Blessed Roscoe?
My new guide.
What happened to the Angel Vito?
His work was done
on City lsland.
He moved on to another psychic
named Shirley Ballucas...
in Bayonne, New Jersey.
But the Blessed Roscoe
is a powerful presence!
ln the 17th Century...
when his eyes were gouged
and his fingers chopped off...
and he was burnt at the stake...
he smiled and said,
''Don't feel guilty.''
That's why he's known
as the Merry Martyr.
You tell him
l'm really pleased to meet him.
The Blessed Roscoe
knows you are.
Here. Wear this rose oil
when you're meeting customers.
The money will come floating in.
About your diet...
maybe you're having trouble
because you're afraid...
like l am, that every man
wants me sexually.
About your husband...
Yeah?
The Blessed Roscoe says...
there's no other woman
in his life.
Who's Fidella?
That's our cat.
He plays with her a lot.
That will taper off.
Here.
Burn these in your bedroom...
and he'll want lust from you.
The Blessed Roscoe says
it will be heartfelt but quick.
Look, it's a start.
About Rosario...
l'm smelling
a little problem...
but a deep one.
-Oh, no.
-Yes.
l'm smelling him
falling in love with a girl...
he's saying poetry to.
That's her.
He's playing Romeo tonight...
but it couldn't be
with this Juliet.
Smell for yourself.
l'm smelling him
loving so passionately...
nothing stands in his way.
This girl playing Juliet--
lsabel Fasuli--
she's a scuccamend!
And we're catering her wedding.
She's marrying
Vinny Baldilamente.
Blessed Roscoe?
Blessed Roscoe agrees.
l never thought
l'd lose him this soon.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
The meats
don't go in the sauce yet!
That's stupid!
Any dummy will tell you
they're ready for the sauce!
l catch you messing
with my sauce again...
behind my back l'll kick you
out of the kitchen!
You'll kick your sauce
out of the kitchen!
What's going on here?
Look at my meat.
ls it ready for the sauce yet?
No. You got to get out
more fat.
You're crazy! As crazy as him.
Ma, put your tooth back in.
l can't remember where l put it.
And don't call us crazy no more.
l always call you crazy.
lt never bothered you before.
lt always bothered me.
-lt bothers you, too?
-Of course!
You should have told me sooner.
l'm too old to change now.
Mikey...
l got to talk to you private.
Can we go up to the house?
Sure.
Rocco, stay with the sauce.
She tries anything funny...
throw yourself
in front of the pot.
Will you promise me that if
l tell you this problem...
you won't make fun of me?
l promise.
You know that l'm psychic.
Yeah?
And so is my friend Mona.
Mona the nut?
Mona is not a nut.
She's a clairvoyant
for a living...
and the Blessed Roscoe
told Mona...
that Rosario is going
to fall in love...
and give up everything
for his Juliet.
Every week, Mona's got
a different saint or angel...
that nobody ever heard of
who speaks only to her.
How can you believe this stuff?
Because Mona helps me find
the invisible forces here.
lt helps me discover
what l'm doing here on earth.
l discussed it in my prayers
with the Holy Mother...
and she said
it was OK with her.
You want me to ask her again?
-Dear Holy Mother--
-No, no, no.
Don't bother the Holy Mother
with something like this.
Look, l'm a little tired.
l want to take a nap.
You want to take a nap with me?
-Nap?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-OK. l'll be right back.
l got Fidella in the middle
so you can hold her, too.
As is a winged messenger
of Heaven...
into the white-upturned
wandering eyes...
the lazy-pacing clouds
and sails...
upon the bosom of the air...
of mortals that fall back
to gaze on him...
when he bestrides
the lazy, puffing clouds.
O Romeo! Romeo!
Whereforth art thou, Romeo?
Deny thy father!
And refuse thy na...
l hope l didn't do that
with my negative thoughts.
Are you all right, lsabel?
l can't move my leg!
Rosario, go get Dr. Rondino.
Tell him to come right over.
How did this happen,
Miss DeLuca?
l seen the whole episode,
Monsignor.
She overacted with her foot...
and tumbled down like
a wounded rhino. Forsooth.
Don't call me no rhino,
zits breath.
How am l supposed
to get married tomorrow?
l hate this stupid play!
l told you the balcony
was made of plywood.
Why did you stamp your foot?
l should have harnessed her
to the wall, Dr. Rondino.
Oh, no. lt wouldn't
have helped, Miss DeLuca.
lt's not broken.
You just stay off it
for 24 hours...
and you'll be marching
down the aisle.
All right, boys,
help her out to my car.
We've got to get you home
and get that leg iced.
-What a buffalo!
-Shut up, you shithead!
Twenty-four hours!
We'll have the understudy
play Juliet.
Understudy?
Where is Niccolina Sousto?
Niccolina, where are you going?
l don't know the whole part.
l'll whisper the words
to you off the stage.
Please, Father,
don't make me do this.
Niccolina, you only have
to do your best.
OK, Niccolina, we'll find
somebody else to play the part.
l know the part, Miss DeLuca.
l always wanted to play it.
No, Francis!
You're too good as the nurse...
and it would be too hard
to replace you.
lsn't that right, Monsignor?
What else can we do, Sadie?
We're sold out.
We'll have to give refunds.
Why don't we call
all the dramatic schools...
and we'll find
some really nice girl...
who can read the part
from the script?
This is a very good idea, Sadie.
But let's make sure that
all the girls send over...
their most recent photographs
with their hobbies...
their future ambitions,
and their religious attitudes.
Why do l have to be here?
This may be the girl we spend
the rest of our lives with.
You can stop calling.
This couple just came in
and made a donation...
and then they told me
their daughter played that part.
She'll play Juliet
to your son's Romeo.
You look familiar.
ls possible.
Mr. and Mrs. Cappamezza...
meet Count
and Contessa Malacici.
Pleasure.
Look, Sadie,
it's just for one night...
so let's not make
a big thing out of it.
OK, Sadie?
Feel better?
A little.
There must be a way...
l can turn around what
Mona said is going to happen.
Look...
you think l want Rosario
to ejaculate himself...
out of this family prematurely?
But did anything Mona ever
tell you would happen happen?
Practically everything.
How come she told you...
that we're going to be rich,
and we're in debt...
that your mother
was going to move out...
and she just asked us
for a new mattress...
that your friend Sally would
have the best year of her life,
and she died? How come?
Oh, ye of little faith.
Once we raise enough money
to franchise our sauces...
and our wedding creations,
we are going to be rich.
And my mother
still may move out...
and she'll take
her new mattress with her.
My girlfriend Sally
could be having...
her best year ever
right now in Heaven.
Ma! Pop! l just heard
about the Malacici girl.
Pop, could you imagine them
asking me to play Romeo...
opposite the daughter
of that Florentine?
Every bone in my body tells me
l should quit right now...
and forget about it.
Honey, if you feel like that--
But the show must go on.
Miss DeLuca wants me...
to go introduce myself
before rehearsal.
-l'm going with you!
-What for?
lt will give me a chance
to see their operation.
But l got to go home and change
into something more apropos.
God Almighty!
Get a load of this place!
These people wouldn't know
a sausage if they fell over one.
Makes me sick to go in there.
-Maybe--
-Are you all right, Ma?
Do l have a bump?
Here. Let me see.
lt's all right, Ma.
This Romeo is a mama's boy.
What masculine boy
kisses a mother...
on the eye
after three years old?
Hi. l'm Rosario Cappamezza.
This is my--
Yes. We have met at the church.
l thought l would chaperone
the children to rehearsal...
because l wanted to be
socially au courant...
and because l'm the mother.
Please come in.
Beautiful.
Gina just returned
from her boarding school...
and she's taking
her beauty bath.
Please to sit down, eh?
May we offer you
some refreshment?
We have profiterole,
tiramisu, banana torte...
eight kinds of gelati,
and six kinds of sorbetto.
All fresh...
homemade, home-grown,
and hand-decorated.
No, thank you.
We make all the same desserts...
plus zuppa lnglese,
zabaione, coppa di marrone.
Don't tell me
you make your own chocolate.
Milk, bittersweet, nougat,
and white with nuts.
From a recipe
that is 400 years old?
From a recipe
that Frank Sinatra himself...
said was the best
he ever tasted on City lsland.
The president of ltaly...
once ate two portions of
our risotto con funghi.
During the pope's visit
in 1982...
the Holy Father
had three portions...
of our clams posillipo, to go.
ln four centuries
of operation...
our restaurant
in Firenze was visited...
by two nuns who later
were canonized--
Santa Teresa DeMontania...
and Santa Rudolpha Legatti...
for whom our bronzino in
brodetto di Rudolpha was named.
Our dishwasher speaks Chinese.
This is our daughter Regina.
Hi.
This is my mother
Sadie Cappamezza...
and l'm R-r-r...
Rosario Cappamezza.
How do you do?
Gina has consented
to play the part of Juliet...
even though
she must leave tomorrow.
Where are you going?
Paris.
For the summer...
to study with the Ballet Russe.
Paris, France?
There's so much more to do there
than there is here.
You can climb
the Eiffel Tower...
and you can go to the cancan.
We should go.
We're going to be late.
lt was nice meeting you.
l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
Don't you yell at my son!
He bumps himself a lot
when he's happy...
and he's very happy
that he has a thin Juliet.
You have a very nice bathroom.
Can l drop you anywhere, Ma?
Drop me?
Yeah. When Miss DeLuca
first works with an actor...
she doesn't like
to have any eyewitnesses.
l mean, amateur nonactors.
So, Ma, can l drop you or what?
No, no, no.
lt's not far. l'll walk.
OK.
You dress funny.
l like it.
l'm smelling her.
l'm smelling her.
ls this new Juliet
the one that my Rosario...
is going to give up
his life for?
Big bosom, strong thighs,
small culo?
-Yeah.
-That's her.
The Blessed Roscoe corroborates.
At least she's leaving tomorrow.
Maybe no damage can be done
between now and then. Right?
What does the Blessed Roscoe
say l should do?
Nothing.
Love...is all there is.
Love is all there is?
How did the candles work?
My husband told me
to hold the cat, too.
l made a mistake.
Those candles are for
young honeymooners in trouble.
You need something for older
eroticism that's capsizing.
Here. When these burn down
to the genital area...
he'll be sure to grab you,
not the cat.
Thanks.
That's $9 for the candles,
$30 for the reading--
Look, about Rosario,
l just can't do nothing?
He's too young to ruin his life.
Hold the phone.
Take these two birds.
The one with the yellow ring
is the male.
He represents your son.
Keep sprinkling oregano
on his tail--
the desire
for higher education.
The other one is the female.
Squint your eyes.
You see her aura?
Right now it's white...
because the Blessed Roscoe
is present.
This is an aura duster.
Keep dusting her aura to keep
her love for Rosario pure.
Don't let it turn orange...
or you're in the danger,
lower-crotch area.
Here. Keep reciting this chant
to the two birds.
''He is love deep.
''He is sacrifice all.
''He is education's first.
''He is in it
for the long haul.''
OK. That's $3.00
for the oregano...
$24.50 for the aura duster...
$42.50 for the birds...
a buck and a half for the chant.
He is love deep.
He is sacrifice all.
But his education's first.
All right, as soon as
she's in the costume...
we're going
to start the rehearsal.
-Yes, Miss DeLuca.
-We know.
l hear...
that the new Juliet's dress...
had to be opened up
this much on top.
That's how big her titties are.
l wish l had that problem.
Every night, l pray
that mine will grow bigger.
My mother says it ain't
the size that counts.
lt's the quality.
That's because your mother
got small titties.
l hope she's built better
than lsabel.
With her belly, the audience
wouldn't even have seen me.
l hear she's from ltaly...
so she don't talk English
too good like us.
Where do you think
Romeo and Juliet lived?
ln England. Ain't that
where Shakespeare lives?
Shakespeare's dead, you dope.
How do l know?
l don't watch PMS.
l got ham and provolone.
-Ciabatta and anchovies.
-l got eggs.
Ronny, your pizza's here!
Where's the pepperoni?
Snack time is over!
All right, come on.
Let's get to work.
All right. Gina,
you have just met Rosario...
so l want to assure you that
the kisses will be discreet.
All right.
With your bodies apart...
you're going to let
your lips brush lightly...
like a butterfly's wings
on a rose petal.
You got to leave the passion
to the audience's imagination.
All right? Go ahead.
Wait! Keep this much space
between your torsos.
Let your lips just touch
for one brief instant.
Perfect!
OK, everybody, come on!
Places from
the top of the show!
My granddaughter Rita's
playing the part of Prologue.
Mikey, if you could have seen
the way he drooled...
when he looked at her.
Boys his age
are supposed to drool.
But Mona says he's going
to give up everything--
She really sees you coming.
Now we got two frigging birds
who can't stop crapping...
stinking up our house.
What are you two talking about?
-Nothing.
-l saw your lips moving.
Where's your tooth?
l forgot.
There they are.
Look at them with their
Florentine noses in the air.
lt looks like
they're smelling something.
They're looking this way.
l am sure
that Regina having to act...
with the son of these Sicilians
make her as sick as l am.
We have no choice...
because we have to win over
their low-class clientele.
Good morrow.
ls the day so young?
But new struck nine.
Ay me, sad hours long.
Was that my father
that went hence so fast?
lt was.
He is so handsome...
just like Errol Flynn
in the old movies.
He fences good.
You'd never know he was clumsy.
Oh, shit!
'Tis not to me she speaks.
Why do they make him wear
them blue pantyhose?
lt makes
his dingle look too big.
Shh, Ma.
God forbid!
Where is this girl?
Juliet! Juliet!
How now, who calls?
Your mother.
Madam, l am here.
What is your will?
How eloquent she is.
Yes, but is a mismatch...
because she make
the Sicilian mama's boy...
look like a buffoon
from the circus.
Saints do not move...
though grant
for my prayers' sake.
Then move not,
while my prayer's effect l take.
Oh, boy.
Thy drugs are quick.
Thus with a kiss l die.
They're doing it for real.
Rosario!
Rosario! No more.
Stop!
My God.
l never saw this before.
How dare he do that
to my little girl!
He pretend to be mama's boy.
Oldest Sicilian trick
in the back of the book.
Why she don't stop him? Why?
Because she has to act
as if she's dead...
and he's taken advantage.
Mona knew.
The Blessed Roscoe knew.
That's what masculine acting is.
You kiss the girl
like you go for her.
Her aura is changing.
-What?
-Nothing.
Rosario!
She is kissing him
with her mouth open.
Stop!
l don't care
if l lose the business.
l don't raise my daughter
for this.
l am going to pull the curtain.
Let me go!
You don't understand.
Get out of the way!
...violate my daughter.
Let me out of here!
Piero, come back!
They've stopped kissing!
Come back. Come on.
Please, let me go.
You got some nerve, fatso.
l...die.
l hate those pantyhose.
His dingle
looks even bigger now.
Dear God! ls he stiff?
l think he's stiff from her.
That's just a towel in there...
so they don't hurt it
when they duel.
lt's a towel. l'm so relieved.
-Let me see!
-Get out of my way!
Stop looking.
Sicilian son of a bitch!
This is so embarrassing.
lt's growing.
l will kiss thy lips.
Haply some poison
yet doth hang on them...
to make me die
with a restorative.
My poor baby has to kiss
the Sicilian animal now!
l hope she bite off his lips and
spit them into his face!
Oh, my God.
This must be method acting.
Gina...a butterfly's wings.
A butterfly's wings.
Her aura, it's turning orange.
Go for it, Gina!
He is love deep.
He is sacrifice all.
lf she were my daughter,
l'd break her head.
They must've used two towels.
-Here he goes again!
-Sit down, fatso!
You want a rap in the mouth?
Yeah? Step in the toilet!
-You be quiet!
-Piero, come back!
The kiss is finished.
You'll ruin her death scene.
O happy dagger...
this is my sheath.
There rest...
and let me die!
Move! You have to move.
That's so rude!
The scene is over.
l want to go as soon
as the curtain comes down.
-Get out of my way!
-A real banana.
l will challenge you to a duel!
Get him to the banquet hall
the minute this show is over.
Right. Ma, wait in the car.
We want to extricate him
unbeknownst.
l knew it.
He was stiff from her!
Come on.
Some shall be pardoned.
Others shall be punished.
For never was
a story of more woe...
than this
of Juliet and her Romeo.
Come on, Rosario.
You got to come with us.
Get out of here! Jesus, Ma!
Sadie, come on!
Ma, get off the stage!
l was so disgusted
over how you kissed that boy.
lt was pornografia!
All right. Tonight we go home,
sleep the night good.
Tomorrow you are in Paris,
we forget about everything.
No, Papa. The banquet!
The whole cast is going!
l will not set foot in
that Cappamezza catering hall!
And neither should you!
And that is final!
Magnificent performance, Gina.
See you at the banquet?
No, Monsignore,
she cannot come...
because tomorrow she get
up early, go to airport.
l understand, but l want to
thank her and you two publicly.
You just come for that?
We--
l didn't fall asleep once...
except during the parts
where people were just talking.
But in the swordplay...
and the smooching--terrific.
What about my Francis?
He was great.
l believed he was her nurse...
and he was very manly
in the girl's clothes.
You're ready for Broadway!
And, Tony, you was great
as Rosario's uncle.
l wasn't his uncle.
l was his cousin.
Well, whoever you were...
you all made the evening
very bearable.
Papa, l'd like
to say hello to the cast.
You say hello to the girls.
Only to the girls, eh?
Hello and good-bye.
Next year,
we're doing Ju//us and Caesar.
l'm playing Mrs. Caesar.
You ever see the smoke
in this way?
-So ridiculous, eh?
-lt's obscene.
What they are trying to do,
re-create forest fire?
Look at them.
They are green with envy
from our decor.
When they taste our food,
they're going to wish...
they were in
another business altogether.
l don't see the daughter.
She's over there with the girls.
You two were so sexy up there.
l thought l was watching...
Mel Gibson
and Michelle Pfeiffer.
Where did you learn
to kiss like that...
boarding school?
l asked my parents to send me.
They were afraid
l'd lose my cherry.
They don't know this...
but l lost it to a Guido
when l was 14.
l been to the Capri Motel.
What is a Capri Motel?
The horniest place
on City lsland.
lt's got waterbeds shaped like
the back seat of a car...
and porno movies in every room.
l lost mine there, too.
l ain't been a virgin
almost a month.
And we know who Mr. Lucky is.
What?
We're all victims
of peer pressure.
What about you?
My parents are very strict.
Wait here.
l'd like to call up
Mike and Sadie Cappamezza...
and Count and Contessa Malacici.
Which just shows...
You want to dance, Rosario?
Hey!
...can turn business rivals
into good friends.
One and two and three.
What is that?
What is this? How goes it?
Bring Regina.
Hello, Mr. Frederico, Mrs. F.
Piero...wait. Look.
The Fredericos.
We must not go
without to talk to them.
We must cater
their daughter's wedding.
How are you?
Your daughter Carmella...
recite the line of
Lady Capulet with such artistry.
And she reeks of intelligence.
And that is why she deserve
the grand wedding...
we have prepared for her.
Every guest will have...
roast goose
or bistecca Chateaubriand.
And vanilla tartufi.
And amaretto creme brulee
with the wedding cake.
What about the smoke?
Oh, yes.
Every man smoke big cigar.
No, no, no.
We like the smoke effect.
Smoke effect.
We love smoke effect...
but our smoke will be finer...
not only to the ankle,
but all the way to the calf.
Yes, and softer,
like in a Fellini movie.
The sneaks are trying
to steal the Fredericos!
What do you say, Ralph?
How are you doing, Angie?
Hi. How are youse?
They're not looking. Now!
For Carmella's wedding,
as souvenirs...
we take a picture of you two
from your wedding...
and we print it on
the front of each coffee cup.
And engraved on the inside...
a pink rose entwined with
a silver ribbon, that says...
''Carmella loves Tony
and vice versa...
''Compliments,
Angie and Ralph Frederico.''
l've never seen that
before at a wedding.
l am sure they do it
in Coney lsland.
They make a good-looking couple
even off the stage.
-Who?
-Your daughter and your son.
Now l know why the Malacicis...
and the Cappamezzas
get along so well.
They're making a match.
No! She's only 16!
He just got
his driver's license.
They have only
the Shakespeare in common.
She's rushing off for culture
to Paris for the ballet...
and he's pursuing his intellect
taking Geometry ll this summer.
He's practically
a juvenile delinquent.
The other Romeo
did not come close to you.
Did you kiss him
like you kissed me?
l never kiss anyone
like l kiss you.
l take it
they don't like me for you.
They don't like anyone for me...
but you in particular.
Why? Because the folks
are rivals?
No. Because you are
dangerous and sexy.
Easy, easy.
Sadie will design
candy-covered almonds...
wrapped in lace
with a bow...
a plastic bird, a feather,
and a simulated zircon ring.
The Malacicis say they can do...
a soft Fellini smoke
up to the knees.
We can do bright ''Terminator 2''
smoke up to the chin!
Watch this!
With a double Technicolor
Walt Disney rainbow.
Oh, my.
Turn it down!
lt's way too high, Mikey!
l can't. lt's stuck!
-Do something!
-l got to get a wrench.
Where are they?
Where are the children?
The children. Oh, boy.
Did l do this?
Did l make the rainbow
too romantic?
You both do!
You make a camouflage!
lt's your fault!
Stealing the Fredericos,
forcing us to show off!
Wait a minute!
Where are the Fredericos?
This is exactly what l want,
only more purple.
ls this where
all the boys take the girls?
Yeah.
Have you ever
taken anyone else here?
Yeah.
My mother,
when we needed to talk...
and once my grandma.
You don't have a girlfriend?
No.
How come?
After saying all those
Shakespearean lines to you...
it's kind of hard to come up
with the right words, but...
l've been
waiting for the moon...
to send down a goddess
from the heavens.
And then it must have
done it because...
she's come.
l've waited
my whole life for you.
-Oh, no!
-Wait, wait, wait!
Don't be scared.
We'll only do
what you want to do.
Gina! Gina!
Where are you going?
What? What did l do?
l'm crazy in love with you!
l never wanted to be
a ballerina.
Mother and Father
both gave up studying...
for the opera
when they got married...
and l thought that their dream
for me was mine, too.
Mother wants
to keep me away from men...
until l am famous...
and Father wants me
to marry only royalty...
that has not gone broke,
like we did in Firenze.
My parents named the business
''Prince Rosario'' after me.
Your parents were right.
You are a prince.
l'm not going away.
Yeah. You got a right
to think for yourself.
Yes.
Let's go tell them.
Who? You and me?
You won't let them
intimidate me, will you?
Absolutely not.
l'm used to dealing
with crazy people.
My grandmother
is a complete fruitcake.
You let me do the talking
to your parents, OK?
lf we knew where they was,
wouldn't we tell you?
lf your son
dishonor our daughter...
l will hold you responsible!
Our daughter is
an angel of regal bearing...
a treasure,
a princess from a fairy tale...
who walk in purity!
And what's our son--
a big bag of shit?
Mike!
Please don't use the ''s'' word.
Our son is a gentleman,
and he's an altar boy.
He's a lover of all mothers.
l will call the police!
l will call the FBl!
They have
just drive up in the car!
See? Nothing from nothing.
Let's go to bed.
What will you say to him?
l'll tell him,
''Hey, forget about Paris.
''She's with me. Get it?''
How's that?
Let's get out of here!
My father will kill you!
She's just a baby,
pussy wussy pussycat!
She's a little baby calico cat.
She's a little kissable cat.
She's a little--
Hey, Mikey.
Get the hell out of here.
Oh, yes!
Thank you, Blessed Roscoe.
-What's that?
-Nothing.
-Keep doing what you're doing.
-You got it.
Hello. Yes.
The kids, they left.
We got to find out where
they are.
l'm not feeling so good.
l'm a little nauseous.
Get me a cup of mint tea.
Hello.
Mona, could you please
do me a favor...
and ask the Blessed Roscoe
if he knows where the kids are?
Hold on a second.
The Blessed Roscoe sees
their expectation to consummate.
Oh, boy! Does he know where?
He sees water,
a bed, the letter ''C.''
-Uh-huh.
-That's it. l got to go.
Three people have asked me
to try and make rain.
Water, a bed, the letter ''C.''
The letter ''C.''
Mike, we got to get
to the Capri Motel...
before they consummate
in a waterbed!
How do you know they're there?
Because it all adds up.
My parents
are great in a crisis.
Wait right here.
l'll be right back.
Ma! Pop! l need you
for some advice, huh?
Ma!
The only one home is my grandma,
and she's sleeping.
You will not
ever leave me, will you?
No.
No, no. l love you.
From the tip of my heart
to the depth of my soul...
l love you.
l'd like to see your room.
Well, it's real messy.
Be tender with me.
l'm a virgin.
Ditto.
-l don't see his car.
-Good.
We're going to save them
from ruining their lives.
Oh, Romeo!
Romeo, wherefore art thou,
Romeo?
The moon, Juliet.
l'm on the moon!
Oh, my God!
l don't believe it.
-ls it them?
-No.
lt's Dr. Rondino
and Miss DeLuca.
What does this mean?
lt means up, down, up, down.
They ain't coming here.
Let's go home.
Water...
bed, and the letter ''C.''
Water, bed, the letter ''C''!
''C'' for Cappamezza on the water!
Mikey, they're in our house
on our water!
You go look. l can't look.
All right. l'll go look.
l'm going to go look.
l left the candles burning.
Rosario! Rosario!
Who is it?
lt's your mother and dad.
l'm sleeping.
l'll talk to you in the morning.
Get dressed
and get in the closet.
Where's my underpants?
Here. Where's my bra?
Here's your bra,
and here's your panties.
l know you're in there
with the girl.
What makes you think that?
l can sense it
with my mother's intuition.
There. He took her home,
and he was sleeping.
Go back to bed, Rosario.
Come on.
l feel bad l didn't trust him.
l'm going to go back
and apologize.
Rosario, please forgive--
We love each other very deeply.
She's through living a lie
to make her parents happy.
And that is
why we slept together.
You slept together?
You didn't have sex, did you?
No. They were
bobbing for apples.
Oh, not Rosario.
This girl, she's Juliet.
l did this.
l left the candles burning.
l misread the Blessed Roscoe's--
All right. All right.
Look, girlie...
we're adults, my wife and me.
You had a bisensual rendezvous
for two with my son...
and you should wallow in it
tomorrow on the plane.
What my husband
is trying to say is...
just cherish the bliss you had
with Rosario in ballet school...
and then maybe
in six or seven years...
No. l do not
want to go to Paris.
Yeah! And if she goes,
l go, too.
What? You got
to graduate high school...
to go to college,
And what about this summer?
You and me were going
to cure pepperoni together.
Are you trying to tell us...
that you would give up
everything for this girl?
Ma, do you want me
to be happy and live...
or miserable and die?
These are my only choices?
Yeah.
Excuse me a minute, please.
Sadie, l can't talk now.
l got another client here.
This is an emergency!
So is this. Talk quick.
Me and the Blessed Roscoe
have got our hands full.
For seven years...sneaking
around in cheap motels...
in forbidden bliss
on damp mattresses.
Rosario says he doesn't want
to live without this girl.
Why me? Why me?
What am l going to do?
The Blessed Roscoe is poking me.
He says we'll marry
when his mother dies.
Could you hold it down
for a second, sweetheart?
l'm trying to commune here.
The woman is 94!
l may die before her.
The Blessed Roscoe says
love is not enough.
l thought he said
love is all there is.
Love is all there is...
but it's also not enough.
What does that mean?
l don't know, Sadie.
Figure it out.
His old mother suffers so.
Do you think you might have
some humane herbs...
to help her to Heaven?
The Blessed Roscoe and me
are healers, not hit men.
Love is all there is.
Love is not enough.
Open this door.
l want to speak to your son.
We demand to know
where our daughter is.
Wait here.
Open this door.
My son ain't here.
The car is in front.
We know he is in there.
Quick, hide her.
No. lt is time they found out
who l really am...
and who made me true to myself.
We will tell them, right,
Rosario?
Alack, there lies more peril
in thine eyes, Juliet...
than 20 of their swords.
Don't be a sucker, Rosario.
Play dumb.
Regina, what are you doing here?
We have something
we want you to know...
something very important.
Tell them.
Who, me?
Please, come in.
Join us in our parlor...
and we'll have
a little tte--tte talk.
May l offer you a banana?
How about a gummy bear?
We don't want banana,
gummy bear.
We want to know
the A, B, C, and the D!
Did you ever see the episode of
''As The World Turns''...
where Emily tells Barbara
that she and Gavin had...
a mystical odyssey on the beach?
Or maybe you read
in the ''National Enquirer''...
about Cher
and her latest guitarist...
being caught on a motorcycle.
Well, Rosario and Gina...
unthinkingly,
while we were out...
they were swept away
in our house.
What?
What is she talking about?
They...
They had coitus that...
wasn't interruptus.
And now she don't want
to go to Paris no more...
or be a ballet dancer
anymore.
Have you lost your mind?
You throw away your life
for this?
You're getting on that plane...
if l have to drag you
by the hair!
You're making Gina cry.
She wants to be with me.
ls that such a bad thing?
-l'm going to kill you!
-Papa, l love him!
Let go of him! Hey!
Get back in that chair!
You want to scream and yell
like your wife...
you got every right...
but you choke my son again,
l'll throw you in the bay!
l can take
care of myself, Pop.
Shut up and sit down
before l choke you myself!
He ruin her.
He ruin my daughter.
He ruin everybody.
He did not ruin anybody!
He made me happy!
She's my dream come true.
You shut up.
l get my gun, l shoot you!
You ain't shooting anybody,
Count Dracula!
l am Count Dracula?
This whole family
is Frankenstein!
Please, let's not turn this
into a tragedy!
lt's a comedy because
they love each other.
And, look, l'm laughing.
Come on. You laugh, too.
Everybody laugh.
Don't you ever set foot
in my house again!
She don't mean you're a putana.
l do! l do!
And you'll get nothing!
You'll go from this world
the way you came--with nothing!
Please. Don't reject her.
l left the candles burning...
and now they love each other...
and love is all there is.
You shut up!
l knew this was all your fault!
Candles! Voodoo!
God is going to punish you!
lt is not voodoo!
lt's love charms!
You're a witch! A witch!
You call me a witch?
Know what? l have lost
my patience with you!
Just get out of my house!
l will never
forgive you for this!
You'll hate yourself
for giving up the ballet!
l was only doing it for you.
l don't want you to give up
your talent for love like us.
That was your choice.
This is mine.
What about Rosario?
He's going to give up
everything for her.
That's right.
Everything?
Rosario have nothing.
He don't have a job.
He don't even have
a certificate of high school!
He's giving up his future,
where he has everything--
his high-school certificate,
fame, wealth!
Our business
will be his someday!
Huh? You are broke.
We check in the bank.
You owe $1 22,000...
and now everybody in
the whole neighborhood know...
that you are nothing
but a low-class Joe Blow!
How dare you call us
a low-class Joe Blow?
We are just as pretentious
as you will ever be!
And maybe the whole
neighborhood should know...
that you tried to sell
your title in ltaly...
and nobody would buy it!
We looked it up!
Son of a bitch!
l will throw you
and your wife in the bay!
Yeah? Come on! Try it!
-Don't stoop to their level.
-l want to give him beating.
They have no breeding!
-We breed plenty!
-Yeah!
But he deserves a beating.
l was champion of boxing
in the University of Bologna.
l give him a beating
he never forget.
You want a piece of me?
Come up here!
Now you've--
Come in the house!
No! l want him!
Piero!
l'm gonna kill him!
Let me at him!
l'm gonna kill him!
No, no. Leave them.
l'll strangle you!
Let me get my hands on you!
l am exhausted.
l'm gonna punch him
right in the mouth!
You are stupid
and you are nothing!
Let me at him!
You chickenshit peckerhead!
You make me cup of coffee, no?
l hate them!
l wish they were not my parents!
That's like wishing your foot
wasn't your foot...
just because
it's got a bad fungus.
l can never go back to them!
Maybe they're just
obnoxious temporarily, huh?
ln the meantime,
you'll be the daughter...
we always wanted.
l told you
my parents were great.
Look, now that she's under
our sexual auspices...
your behavior has got to be...
according to
the rules of Queen Victoria.
You know what l mean?
Kosher.
Here's one
of Grandma's bathrobes.
And you're going to sleep
inside there...
with Grandma in her bed.
You see,
sex is a gift from God...
and you two have chosen
to share that gift...
but now we're going
to take that gift...
we're going to put it
back in the box...
and under the tree, OK?
Because Mikey and l,
we're responsible now.
l wish you were my mother,
Mrs. Cappamezza.
Good night, Gina.
Good night.
Good night, honey.
Good night, Ma.
Good night.
Good night, Pop.
-She's such a sweet girl.
-Yeah.
l think l handled it
as if love is not enough.
Let's get back
to what we was doing.
-What?
-You know...whoopee.
-We got to stand guard.
-What for?
We can't take a chance.
They're too overstimulated.
And what am l?
Gina.
Gina!
Rosario?
What's the matter?
l heard you crying.
l never talked back
to my parents before.
We bring out the best
in each other.
Will you always love me...
and choose me
over the other woman?
-What other woman?
-Your mother.
l'll never have to choose.
l love you both.
And she loves you, too.
You heard her.
Why did she say
we should not sleep together?
l am not a putana.
Your mother said that,
not mine!
You raise your voice to me?
-l did?
-Yes!
l'm sorry.
l'm sorry l insult your mother.
Our first fight.
Yes.
lt makes me hot.
Me, too.
l still got the potato gnocchi
and the garbazel to cook.
The Fasuli-Baldilamente wedding
is a killer.
Where the hell's Rosario?
He's probably tired...
from talking to her
through the window all night.
He's tired?
l got practically no sleep...
and when l did sleep...
l dreamed about you
and you know what.
Mike, come on.
We were on top
of the small banquet table.
l had one foot on the ground,
the other foot up in the air...
and with my other foot...
Oh, stop!
Good morning.
Good evening.
Go put the clams
in the Fra Diavolo sauce.
lt's too hard
staying away from Gina...
and it's stupid.
We already had sex together.
Why should she sleep
in Grandma's bed and not mine?
Because Grandma
can't get her pregnant.
-You can't keep me from her.
-Rosario.
Hey! lsabel Fasuli is here
with her mother in a panic.
l'm caught in the zipper, Sadie!
Her gown split open at
the church during the ''l Dos.''
She's been eating chocolates
for two weeks around the clock.
l'm nervous, Ma, OK?
Give me that chocolate bar.
Spit it in my hand.
This is what
we're going to do, Adele.
l'll take this cabbage rose
from the back...
and put it in the front...
then we're going to take
this big cabbage rose...
and l'm going
to put it in the back.
And nobody will know
that she gained a few pounds.
How about twenty in two weeks?
Some of us gain weight
because we feel...
that if we have everything,
people will envy us.
Yeah, Ma. People envy me.
That's why l eat!
Go out and stun your guests
and surprise your enemies.
Wait, Ma.
l got to get my shoes.
Fidella, look out!
Watch what you're doing!
You almost killed another cat.
Don't you dare
eat another thing...
until you leave
for your honeymoon.
This is the last fitting
that l am putting Sadie through.
Mr. and Mrs. Cappamezza,
l want you to know...
that Rosario just burned
his finger in the kitchen.
l don't know what
you said to him about me...
but you hurt him
very, very deeply.
And now, for the first time
as Mr. and Mrs. Baldilamente...
please welcome lsabel and Vinny!
Vinny, that looks beautiful.
That cake looks
absolutely beautiful.
Ma, Pop! Everybody, listen up.
l just made a big decision.
l want the whole world to know.
Gina, there's something
l should have asked you...
from the moment
l first saw you.
-What?
-Will you marry me?
Now will you be my wife?
Oh, Rosario, yes, l will.
Congratulations!
Get back to work!
Everybody, get back to work!
-Are you crazy?
-l thought you'd be happy.
Happy?
We'd be happier
if you were out of high school.
You're still babies!
Telephone, Gina Malacici.
My body's addicted to her.
l got to get married.
You get married
when your brain is mature...
not just your pubic parts!
-More pigs knuckles.
-Coming up.
-No, you're too young.
-Ma, please.
lt's not legal.
lt is legal
with parents' approval.
Didn't we just say no?
This is annoying!
My parents
just gave their approval!
What? Last night
they hated Rosario's guts...
and they threw you
out into the snow.
They miss me,
and they want me to be happy.
More fried octopus
and zucchini sticks!
On the fire! lt's very nice
your parents miss you...
but if they gave their approval,
they got a couple screws loose.
My parents happen to be
highly cultured aristocrats!
They would never make
a cake like that!
This cake happens to be
our deluxe glamorama...
and nobody but us matches
the little plastic dolls...
to the live wedding party.
ln ltalia, these strawberries
with gold roses...
they would be a laughingstock!
Well, in these parts,
they're the cat's ass.
-More scungilli marinara!
-Ready to travel!
l think you miss your parents...
and that's why
you're acting so nutsy.
l am just trying to teach you
what's in bad taste.
More rice
and pepperoni fritters!
Coming up!
lf there's any one person...
who should be teaching
somebody something...
it should be me!
l'll have you know l starred
on ''Wedding Dos and Don'ts''...
on the local
City lsland cable channel...
where l pointed out
that bad taste...
was better
than no taste at all.
Am l right, Rosario?
Apologize to Gina
for calling her nutsy.
What? She just insulted
me and your father.
lt's true. Her parents'
decorations are less gabon.
Who's a gabon? l'm a gabon?
More pigs knuckles!
What the hell are these people
eating with, a shovel?
Mike, we got a problem.
l know.
We're out of pigs knuckles.
How come l hear
that the Malacicis...
offer my wife's brother
Jackie...
the exact same deluxe wedding
as lsabel for 50% less?
They're undercutting.
They lose money at that price.
The Malacicis
may use our menu...
but their portions
are so refined...
for people like you
and your families...
with large, gourmet frames...
l want a refund now...
or l will never do
another affair here!
And that goes
for all the Fasulis...
my wife's side,
the Laciannos...
her mother's side,
the Brunos...
the Baldimentes,
and the Macrogiovannis!
We can't.
We're paying off our loan.
Come help me!
lsabel threw up
doing the Alley Cat.
l told her not to stuff herself
with the pork in plum sauce!
Act casual.
Maybe nobody will notice.
Nobody will notice she has
vomit on her wedding gown?
Sadie, do something!
Here.
Wipe her off with this rag...
and hang this
car freshener on her.
lt's the latest thing.
Rosario, couldn't we talk
about this later, please?
Don't make him choose
between me and you!
That's not a very nice
thing to say.
lf we're old enough to want
to make love all day...
we're old enough
to get married.
lt's easy to make love all day
when you're not married.
lt's much harder
when you have to!
That's right.
Where are you going?
Her parents' house.
They want us to be happy!
You'd go live with
those sneaky sleaze bags?
How dare you say that
about my parents!
Keep quiet! l'm talking to him!
We speak the truth
because we love each other!
Yeah? Here's truth.
You're jealous of us.
And here's another truth--
l don't know if l want to be
in the catering business.
Hot stuff coming through.
l can't believe he left.
l can't believe he doesn't want
to be in the catering business.
They're ready for
the Polynesian pupu platters!
Hey, what happened?
Our heir apparent
just walked out on us.
What happened to the bird?
One of them keeled over.
Oh, my God. lt's the female.
Mary, Mother of God,
please save her.
Why are you so hysterical?
Don't you get the symbolism?
l jinxed the bird.
lf she dies, l will have
killed her with my thoughts!
Sadie, thoughts don't kill.
Please, Mike,
rush her to the vet...
and don't let her die, please!
OK, OK, OK.
l'll take her to the vet.
l can't come to the phone.
Having an out-of-body
experience.
Leave your name and number
after the beep...
and l'll call you back
before Saturn is in retrograde.
Oh, boy.
Let me tell you
a couple things...
about your mother-in-law
that you don't know.
She auditioned for
the original movie ''Jaws.''
Know why she didn't get it?
Her mouth was too big.
She walked over to
her girlfriend and said...
''l was stuck on the escalator
for 3 1/2 hours.''
-''Why didn't you walk down?''
-''l was going up.''
Monsignor, can l talk to you
for a minute?
Thank you.
An anonymous underage couple...
partook of
gratification coitally...
and l'd like to drop something
on their heads...
but l don't want
to be interfering...
and a bird, symbolizing
the female in this couple...
is at death's door.
Are you familiar
with the Blessed Roscoe...
the Merry Martyr?
No...but l have a feeling
Mona Barcavella is.
You don't think she's a nut,
do you, Father?
Sadie, there are people
who think l'm a nut.
First the Blessed Roscoe said,
''Love is all there is''...
and then he said,
''Love is not enough.''
That's the riddle of the Sphinx.
Love is all there is...
but when is love not enough?
l've been working
on that one myself.
That's so comforting
to know, Father.
l'll do this for you.
l'll give you another riddle.
Who are you
when you're not a mother?
When l'm not a mother?
Who am l?
Monsignor, l don't know.
Now let me tell you
about my mother-in-law.
This woman is so fat...
that she was crossing
King's Highway...
a truck went around her
and ran out of gas.
l'll tell you how stupid
my mother-in-law is.
She thinks mutual orgasm
is an insurance company.
Enough with
the mother-in-law jokes.
How about the gaga
that mother-in-laws...
put up with
from daughter-in-laws?
Nobody ever talks about that.
You stink.
Keep your mouth shut.
Who needs to listen to that?
My daughter-in-law, that strush.
Comedians--
they have no respect.
You're not even funny!
Wait. l'm just--
Get off the stage!
You stink!
Get the hell off!
lt was just a joke.
You don't know dick!
You're not funny.
l got a son-in-law.
Get off! You stink!
Mama, Papa, they did not
want us to get married.
l really appreciate
your accepting us, Dad.
You don't mind me
calling you Dad, do you?
What are you doing?
Someday you will thank us.
Don't you come back here again!
We're locking her in her room...
and sending her to Paris
tomorrow morning under guard!
Good thing my father isn't here!
l'll kick you in the ass!
Burn this vulgar Cappamezza rag.
Rosario, you're back.
Thank God.
Her parents locked her up.
They're giving her
a police escort...
to the plane tomorrow.
lt's for the best.
Those people, they're poison.
lf she leaves,
l never want to see you again.
Rosario...
Rosario...
you know how much l adore you.
You don't get it, do you, Ma?
lt's over between us.
lt's her turn to adore me now.
So you came back. That's good.
What happened?
Her parents lied to them
about getting married...
and now they're sending her
to Paris tomorrow by force.
Ooh, are we lucky.
ls the bird going to be OK?
lt's got a broken wing.
lt's in shock.
With the X-rays,
we're up to 200 bucks.
The vet wants to know how much
we're willing to spend.
Everything we got!
Broken wing and shock.
What does this all mean?
Why does everything always
have to mean something, Sadie?
Everything isn't
always what it seems to be.
l'm looking for what really is.
l want to be a good person.
l don't want to change people
by pushing them.
l want to change them
with my love.
lf we get arrested for this,
l'll never tell...
because anything in
the name of love is God's work.
We're like holy warriors
and shit.
Heaven is here,
where Juliet lives.
Every dog and every cat
and every little mouse...
may look upon her,
but Romeo may not.
When Carmella distracts them
with the loud music...
l spike the sauce.
ln the confusion,
we snatch Gina away.
This is a great plan.
l love this plan.
l'm calling my potion
Rosario's Revenge.
Duck!
This is so exciting.
l humbly accept this award...
from the City lsland
Cultural Society.
-lt's not going to work.
-Are you kidding?
This stuff would kill the hairs
on a Calabresa's ass.
As ltalians, be proud
to be from the country...
that gave us Dante,
that gave us Da Vinci...
that gave us Puccini,
that gave us--
Michelangelo.
How crude.
Piero della Francesca,
Tintoretto.
Cappamezza sabotage.
Chase that calamari
away from here.
Chase them!
-l hope this works.
-Will you quit worrying?
There's hot peppers
in there...
my family's been marinating
since before Mussolini.
Oh, boy,
they're coming this way.
We're on our way.
As Shakespeare would say,
''May the merry farts begin.''
This is the last straw of
the Sicilian Cappamezza!
Destroy them!
l want you to bring them
to their knees!
l will bring them to their feet!
Let me at them!
What did l tell you?
lt's working like a dream.
Hoist yourself up.
l got you.
You came for me!
Quick.
Leave them this note.
l want them to think
we're committing suicide.
That way, when they find out...
we're just eloping,
they'll be grateful.
You are so smart.
Quick, climb down my back.
All right. Move it over.
My ear. That's my ear.
Oh, God.
Go, Vinny! Go, Vinny!
Vinny! Vinny! Go, Vinny!
Come on! Come on!
Run! Run!
-We got to hide.
-ln here, in the smokehouse.
l was looking for my pussycat.
You seen him?
Big orange guy, three legs.
Here, Tripod. Tripod.
Here, Tripod.
Where are you, Tripod?
Tonight's the night
for lsabel and Vinny
Tonight's the night
for lsabel and Vinny
Whoo, lsabel! Whoo, Vinny!
Tonight's the night
for lsabel and Vinny
The coast is clear.
l think we can get away now.
This time tomorrow, we'll be
in Tennessee and married.
We got to get to my car
before they get back.
l love what you've done.
l love that
we're tricking our parents.
They think they know everything.
Yeah. Who needs them?
We got each other.
Should we not be going?
We got time.
lsabel and Vinny gonna do
the wild thing
lsabel and Vinny gonna do
the wild thing
Whoo, lsabel! Whoa, Vinny!
Whoo, lsabel! Whoa, Vinny!
Not Marilyn! My cake!
What are you doing?
l'm gonna kill you!
l swear! What are you doing?
lt's OK.
l'm going to help you.
The wedding is ruined.
My life is over.
The Malacicis did this!
Let's go teach
those ass wipes a lesson!
Nobody makes a jerk out
of my baby lsabel!
l'll kill them!
Ooh, cannoli creme.
lf l get my hands on them,
l'll mash them...
l'll bash them,
l'll pulverize them!
Do you know what
this wedding cost me?
$22,500! Without the band!
Get them!
Get every frigging one of them!
Get those bastards!
l saved 15 years
for that beautiful wedding...
since her first Holy Communion!
Give me a hand.
Let's knock their new smokehouse
over on its ass! Heave!
-What's happening?
-l don't know.
We got to get out of here.
Heave!
We got them! We got them!
l think l pulled something.
Where's the door?
l don't know.
l think we're sitting on it.
OK, let's not panic.
l'll figure something out.
What is that smell?
Gas. A line must be broken.
Help! Help! Help!
Somebody help us, please!
Please! Mama! Papa!
Mommy! Daddy! Help, please!
Gina is gone!
She left this note!
''Dear parents...
''we don't want to live
without each other.
''Forgive us
for what we are doing.
''Rosario and Gina.
''Lovers forever
in life and death.''
lt's Rosario's handwriting!
He can't mean suicide!
You have to find our children!
Jimmy, put out an APB on them.
They can't have gone far.
Please, go do it!
Could the bird--
Could the broken wing mean--
-We got to go find them.
-Come on!
Help! Help!
Help!
lf they die,
l will never forgive myself.
Blessed Mother, Mikey and l
and our new acquaintances...
the Count
and Contessa Malacici...
ask you to please bring
our children home safely.
Please,
l'll go to church every week.
-l go with you!
-Oh, Gina!
lt's no use.
l can't find the leak.
l regret any moment
l've lived without you.
We'll be together forever
in the afterlife.
Always.
-l don't want to die!
-Help!
-Michael.
-What?
l promise,
if the children are all right...
we will divide the neighborhood
in equal part.
l will go after
only the upper echelon...
and you will go after
the people of your level.
You're a real fair guy
for a big snob.
l thank you very much.
Please, dear God,
send somebody to guide us.
Look! Quick, stop the car!
-Mona?
-l've been praying for you.
lt's a miracle
that you heard me.
Both of your kids is in danger.
But doesn't the Blessed Roscoe
know where they are?
The Blessed Roscoe
can't help you.
You are creating
the meaning to your life.
You got the power here.
You will find them, with this.
-This?
-Yes!
This and this and this
ain't enough anymore.
Now go!
You ain't got a second to lose.
Go!
Where are we to go?
l don't know, but we ain't got
a second to waste.
Help...
Help.
We have been around
this neighborhood three times.
Now we must go back,
check with the police!
A little longer, please.
l'm trying to find them
with this.
You all right?
Yeah. l fell down.
l hurt my arm.
l think your arm is broken.
-Mike.
-What?
Mike, it's me! lt's me!
l'm the bird
with the broken wing.
l'm the one
who has to be healed.
What is she talking about?
l don't know what
she is talking about.
They're not committing suicide.
lt's me that wanted to die
from losing him.
They're eloping.
Piero, turn the car around.
They're in danger!
You just said they're eloping.
Maybe they were,
but now they're in danger.
Look at the cloud.
Don't you see
the snorting dragons?
l don't see the clouds.
What is a snorty dragon?
Piero, turn the car around.
Thus with a kiss, l die.
They're here.
They're here.
Where? Where are they?
They're here somewhere.
l'm beginning to feel it,
Not just here or here
or here...
but here!
Over here! This way!
Which way? This way?
This way! This way!
Which way are you talking about?
No! Over here!
Listen.
l hear something.
l smell gas.
The smokehouse!
They got to be in there.
Grab that edge.
We got it! Push it down!
Pull it open!
Help. Let me out of here.
Push again.
No, no, no. Pull.
Push.
Open the door. Where's the door?
Pull!
Oh, God.
Thank you so much.
Jesus. l'm so sorry.
Where am l?
You're in the hospital.
This, l think,
you'll get a big kick out of.
You're on sedatives,
just like the bird.
l'm glad you're OK, Sadie.
l would have been indisposable
without you, you know.
l know, Mikey.
l am so happy
You're looking so well, Sadie.
From the bottom of my soul...
l want to thank you
that you find the children.
You are very spiritual.
Thank you, Piero.
l'm sorry for acting
so nutsy with you.
You forgive us?
That's what mothers are for.
We were too young
to get married...
but we believe the experience
has grown us up.
We want to get married
because we believe...
the meaning for you saving us
is so that we could be together.
What do you think, Monsignor?
At sixteen, sexuality
overwhelms other feelings.
Can they love
themselves enough...
so they can
love each other more?
Another mystery, Monsignor?
Mike?
l vote yes because
they got us over a barrel.
Maria? Piero?
One moment, please, eh?
They are in love.
That is a fact.
We agree to the marriage.
Under this condition...
the appetizer and the pasta
will be at your catering hall.
The entree and the dessert
will be at our catering hall...
and there will be
no smoke effect...
or the deal is off!
Before we begin our ceremony...
Rosario and Gina
have written their own vows...
and they'd like to make them
at this time.
l'm sure the marriage
will mature them real fast...
and everything
will be all right.
l promise that l will
never wear clothes...
that you don't think
l look good in.
And l promise
to give you the space...
to play your kind of music.
At least they're not on drugs,
except for each other.
l'd like to thank my parents
for making it possible...
for me to go to Paris with Gina
for four years...
to study acting at the
Comedie-Franaise during the day
and Cordon Bleu
for cooking at night.
And my parents,
for allowing me...
to study ballet
and archaeology...
and for supporting
me and Rosario...
while we find ourselves.
l hope they're going
to be happy, Mikey.
lf they're not...
it's really
none of our business.
l figured it out.
''Love is all there is''
means that love is real.
Love is the immortal soul.
So if you're a parent...
you let your children
follow their hearts.
And ''love is not enough''...
means that even if your kids
don't know what they're doing...
if you're a good parent,
you say...
''lt's OK. lt's your life.''
We release these doves...
and our love soars with them.
l think the birds being
so healthy and happy...
means that the kids
are going to be, too.
l wonder what that means.
l now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Lovely.
And they all lived
happily ever after...
till last Thursday
around 3:00...
but that's another story.
about three months ago
on a Tuesday...
this thing happened...
in a peaceful, tucked-away
part of the Bronx...
called City lsland...
a place that's many things.
To the sailor, it's sailing.
To the fisherman, it's fishing.
To the soul searcher,
it's soul searching.
That's me! Mona Barcavella,
psychic herbalist.
l'm doing my dance to conjure up
a good summer tourist trade...
but because City lsland
is home to ltalian Americans...
to them, it's eating.
Here food is king,
and no place was more beloved...
than the Prince Rosario
House of Cappamezza...
Gourmet Catering
and Original Wedding Designs...
ruled by
Sadie and Mike Cappamezza...
More hot pepper!
...whose Sicilian cooking
was known for hot colors...
spicy sauces,
and jumbo portions.
Then one day,
there opened across the bay...
the Royal House of Malacici
of Florence...
Continental Caterers
and Wedding Couturiers...
owned by real blue bloods
from ltaly...
Count and Contessa Malacici...
and they brought City lslanders
their Northern ltalian cuisine:
dainty, low-fat portions...
pastel colors, subtle flavors.
lt was inevitable...
between the two families
there would be bad blood.
Shakespeare once said,
''Hey! What's in a name?''
But he was wrong...
because Cappamezza
means ''half a head''...
and Malacici means ''bad beans.''
The story
begins Fourth of July...
when our local church
was about to put on...
its annual amateur benefit...
What if her eyes were there,
they in her head?
The brightness of her cheek
would shame those stars.
O, that l were
a glove upon that hand...
that l might touch that cheek.
Which brings us
to our heroine...
my best customer,
Sadie Cappamezza...
Ah, me.
You give me so much more
than lsabel Fasuli.
She weighs
How can l believe that's Juliet?
You got to make believe
you love her, too.
And the joy of her life,
Rosario Cappamezza...
the prince of the Prince Rosario
House of Cappamezza...
Gourmet Catering
and Original Wedding Designs.
Rudy, give me a break!
-l'm giving you 2/3 off!
-lt's still not enough.
Give it to her for cost.
Mary, the food
is for the church benefit.
l want a better price
than cost.
Better than cost?
We should take a loss?
When you give to God,
you get a huge tax deduction.
All right, half cost.
You're only halfway to heaven.
Go to hell!
All right,
you get it for nothing.
Here's $10 for the church.
Good morning, Dr. Rondino.
Good morning, Mrs. Rondino.
-Good morning.
-l break both arms.
My son, the dottore,
he fix them.
l never saw anyone
so accidental-prone...
like Mrs. Rondino.
Her son is the most eligible
doctor in the neighborhood...
but her broken bones
keeps him home.
Even Mother Teresa would call
a mother like that...
a bossy scuccamend.
Mrs. Rondino is not as dumb
as she looks.
Married sons, they turn on
their mothers now because...
daughter-in-laws, nothing
is sacred to them anymore.
My son Johnny
married this mamarel Louise.
Sweet girl.
Sweet?
l said to her one day...
''Would you mind carrying
my groceries, please?''
You know what she said to me?
''Carry your own
friggin' bags, bitch.''
Oh, my God.
l look over at my son Johnny...
and he's looking at her
like this.
My Rosario, he would
never ever treat me like that...
when he's old enough
to get married.
Taking anybody to
the charity ball after the show?
l'm helping Pop with the pasta.
How about l call
Angela Mercandante for you?
Ma, don't start with me.
What about l mention you
to Cathy Augustino's mother?
-Ma!
-Watch out!
ldiot! You cut me off!
We'll put you out of business,
you Sicilian swamp guinea!
l got the right of way!
You'll put your sister's ass...
out of business,
you Florentine mountain wop!
Rosario!
l'm sorry l cursed, Ma...
but if these Malacicis
think they're so good...
how come
they didn't stay in ltaly?
Rosario,
forget about the Malacicis.
You just think about
playing Romeo tonight...
that you're going to be
even better this year...
than you was last year
as Pinocchio.
Mona!
Hi!
This Malacici crisis
is making me crazy.
We're in debt up to here
from expanding...
and we may lose
the Fredericos...
the biggest wedding
of the season...
to these intruders!
l brought sfogliatelle.
My favorite!
l don't know if
my business can handle...
this kind of competition,
you know?
l haven't lost one pound
on my new diet.
And my husband hasn't
made love to me in weeks.
What am l going to do, Mona?
ls there another woman?
Blessed Roscoe says...
he sees your business
prospering.
The Blessed Roscoe says...
keep looking at the sunny side.
Good. Good.
Who's the Blessed Roscoe?
My new guide.
What happened to the Angel Vito?
His work was done
on City lsland.
He moved on to another psychic
named Shirley Ballucas...
in Bayonne, New Jersey.
But the Blessed Roscoe
is a powerful presence!
ln the 17th Century...
when his eyes were gouged
and his fingers chopped off...
and he was burnt at the stake...
he smiled and said,
''Don't feel guilty.''
That's why he's known
as the Merry Martyr.
You tell him
l'm really pleased to meet him.
The Blessed Roscoe
knows you are.
Here. Wear this rose oil
when you're meeting customers.
The money will come floating in.
About your diet...
maybe you're having trouble
because you're afraid...
like l am, that every man
wants me sexually.
About your husband...
Yeah?
The Blessed Roscoe says...
there's no other woman
in his life.
Who's Fidella?
That's our cat.
He plays with her a lot.
That will taper off.
Here.
Burn these in your bedroom...
and he'll want lust from you.
The Blessed Roscoe says
it will be heartfelt but quick.
Look, it's a start.
About Rosario...
l'm smelling
a little problem...
but a deep one.
-Oh, no.
-Yes.
l'm smelling him
falling in love with a girl...
he's saying poetry to.
That's her.
He's playing Romeo tonight...
but it couldn't be
with this Juliet.
Smell for yourself.
l'm smelling him
loving so passionately...
nothing stands in his way.
This girl playing Juliet--
lsabel Fasuli--
she's a scuccamend!
And we're catering her wedding.
She's marrying
Vinny Baldilamente.
Blessed Roscoe?
Blessed Roscoe agrees.
l never thought
l'd lose him this soon.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
The meats
don't go in the sauce yet!
That's stupid!
Any dummy will tell you
they're ready for the sauce!
l catch you messing
with my sauce again...
behind my back l'll kick you
out of the kitchen!
You'll kick your sauce
out of the kitchen!
What's going on here?
Look at my meat.
ls it ready for the sauce yet?
No. You got to get out
more fat.
You're crazy! As crazy as him.
Ma, put your tooth back in.
l can't remember where l put it.
And don't call us crazy no more.
l always call you crazy.
lt never bothered you before.
lt always bothered me.
-lt bothers you, too?
-Of course!
You should have told me sooner.
l'm too old to change now.
Mikey...
l got to talk to you private.
Can we go up to the house?
Sure.
Rocco, stay with the sauce.
She tries anything funny...
throw yourself
in front of the pot.
Will you promise me that if
l tell you this problem...
you won't make fun of me?
l promise.
You know that l'm psychic.
Yeah?
And so is my friend Mona.
Mona the nut?
Mona is not a nut.
She's a clairvoyant
for a living...
and the Blessed Roscoe
told Mona...
that Rosario is going
to fall in love...
and give up everything
for his Juliet.
Every week, Mona's got
a different saint or angel...
that nobody ever heard of
who speaks only to her.
How can you believe this stuff?
Because Mona helps me find
the invisible forces here.
lt helps me discover
what l'm doing here on earth.
l discussed it in my prayers
with the Holy Mother...
and she said
it was OK with her.
You want me to ask her again?
-Dear Holy Mother--
-No, no, no.
Don't bother the Holy Mother
with something like this.
Look, l'm a little tired.
l want to take a nap.
You want to take a nap with me?
-Nap?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-OK. l'll be right back.
l got Fidella in the middle
so you can hold her, too.
As is a winged messenger
of Heaven...
into the white-upturned
wandering eyes...
the lazy-pacing clouds
and sails...
upon the bosom of the air...
of mortals that fall back
to gaze on him...
when he bestrides
the lazy, puffing clouds.
O Romeo! Romeo!
Whereforth art thou, Romeo?
Deny thy father!
And refuse thy na...
l hope l didn't do that
with my negative thoughts.
Are you all right, lsabel?
l can't move my leg!
Rosario, go get Dr. Rondino.
Tell him to come right over.
How did this happen,
Miss DeLuca?
l seen the whole episode,
Monsignor.
She overacted with her foot...
and tumbled down like
a wounded rhino. Forsooth.
Don't call me no rhino,
zits breath.
How am l supposed
to get married tomorrow?
l hate this stupid play!
l told you the balcony
was made of plywood.
Why did you stamp your foot?
l should have harnessed her
to the wall, Dr. Rondino.
Oh, no. lt wouldn't
have helped, Miss DeLuca.
lt's not broken.
You just stay off it
for 24 hours...
and you'll be marching
down the aisle.
All right, boys,
help her out to my car.
We've got to get you home
and get that leg iced.
-What a buffalo!
-Shut up, you shithead!
Twenty-four hours!
We'll have the understudy
play Juliet.
Understudy?
Where is Niccolina Sousto?
Niccolina, where are you going?
l don't know the whole part.
l'll whisper the words
to you off the stage.
Please, Father,
don't make me do this.
Niccolina, you only have
to do your best.
OK, Niccolina, we'll find
somebody else to play the part.
l know the part, Miss DeLuca.
l always wanted to play it.
No, Francis!
You're too good as the nurse...
and it would be too hard
to replace you.
lsn't that right, Monsignor?
What else can we do, Sadie?
We're sold out.
We'll have to give refunds.
Why don't we call
all the dramatic schools...
and we'll find
some really nice girl...
who can read the part
from the script?
This is a very good idea, Sadie.
But let's make sure that
all the girls send over...
their most recent photographs
with their hobbies...
their future ambitions,
and their religious attitudes.
Why do l have to be here?
This may be the girl we spend
the rest of our lives with.
You can stop calling.
This couple just came in
and made a donation...
and then they told me
their daughter played that part.
She'll play Juliet
to your son's Romeo.
You look familiar.
ls possible.
Mr. and Mrs. Cappamezza...
meet Count
and Contessa Malacici.
Pleasure.
Look, Sadie,
it's just for one night...
so let's not make
a big thing out of it.
OK, Sadie?
Feel better?
A little.
There must be a way...
l can turn around what
Mona said is going to happen.
Look...
you think l want Rosario
to ejaculate himself...
out of this family prematurely?
But did anything Mona ever
tell you would happen happen?
Practically everything.
How come she told you...
that we're going to be rich,
and we're in debt...
that your mother
was going to move out...
and she just asked us
for a new mattress...
that your friend Sally would
have the best year of her life,
and she died? How come?
Oh, ye of little faith.
Once we raise enough money
to franchise our sauces...
and our wedding creations,
we are going to be rich.
And my mother
still may move out...
and she'll take
her new mattress with her.
My girlfriend Sally
could be having...
her best year ever
right now in Heaven.
Ma! Pop! l just heard
about the Malacici girl.
Pop, could you imagine them
asking me to play Romeo...
opposite the daughter
of that Florentine?
Every bone in my body tells me
l should quit right now...
and forget about it.
Honey, if you feel like that--
But the show must go on.
Miss DeLuca wants me...
to go introduce myself
before rehearsal.
-l'm going with you!
-What for?
lt will give me a chance
to see their operation.
But l got to go home and change
into something more apropos.
God Almighty!
Get a load of this place!
These people wouldn't know
a sausage if they fell over one.
Makes me sick to go in there.
-Maybe--
-Are you all right, Ma?
Do l have a bump?
Here. Let me see.
lt's all right, Ma.
This Romeo is a mama's boy.
What masculine boy
kisses a mother...
on the eye
after three years old?
Hi. l'm Rosario Cappamezza.
This is my--
Yes. We have met at the church.
l thought l would chaperone
the children to rehearsal...
because l wanted to be
socially au courant...
and because l'm the mother.
Please come in.
Beautiful.
Gina just returned
from her boarding school...
and she's taking
her beauty bath.
Please to sit down, eh?
May we offer you
some refreshment?
We have profiterole,
tiramisu, banana torte...
eight kinds of gelati,
and six kinds of sorbetto.
All fresh...
homemade, home-grown,
and hand-decorated.
No, thank you.
We make all the same desserts...
plus zuppa lnglese,
zabaione, coppa di marrone.
Don't tell me
you make your own chocolate.
Milk, bittersweet, nougat,
and white with nuts.
From a recipe
that is 400 years old?
From a recipe
that Frank Sinatra himself...
said was the best
he ever tasted on City lsland.
The president of ltaly...
once ate two portions of
our risotto con funghi.
During the pope's visit
in 1982...
the Holy Father
had three portions...
of our clams posillipo, to go.
ln four centuries
of operation...
our restaurant
in Firenze was visited...
by two nuns who later
were canonized--
Santa Teresa DeMontania...
and Santa Rudolpha Legatti...
for whom our bronzino in
brodetto di Rudolpha was named.
Our dishwasher speaks Chinese.
This is our daughter Regina.
Hi.
This is my mother
Sadie Cappamezza...
and l'm R-r-r...
Rosario Cappamezza.
How do you do?
Gina has consented
to play the part of Juliet...
even though
she must leave tomorrow.
Where are you going?
Paris.
For the summer...
to study with the Ballet Russe.
Paris, France?
There's so much more to do there
than there is here.
You can climb
the Eiffel Tower...
and you can go to the cancan.
We should go.
We're going to be late.
lt was nice meeting you.
l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
Don't you yell at my son!
He bumps himself a lot
when he's happy...
and he's very happy
that he has a thin Juliet.
You have a very nice bathroom.
Can l drop you anywhere, Ma?
Drop me?
Yeah. When Miss DeLuca
first works with an actor...
she doesn't like
to have any eyewitnesses.
l mean, amateur nonactors.
So, Ma, can l drop you or what?
No, no, no.
lt's not far. l'll walk.
OK.
You dress funny.
l like it.
l'm smelling her.
l'm smelling her.
ls this new Juliet
the one that my Rosario...
is going to give up
his life for?
Big bosom, strong thighs,
small culo?
-Yeah.
-That's her.
The Blessed Roscoe corroborates.
At least she's leaving tomorrow.
Maybe no damage can be done
between now and then. Right?
What does the Blessed Roscoe
say l should do?
Nothing.
Love...is all there is.
Love is all there is?
How did the candles work?
My husband told me
to hold the cat, too.
l made a mistake.
Those candles are for
young honeymooners in trouble.
You need something for older
eroticism that's capsizing.
Here. When these burn down
to the genital area...
he'll be sure to grab you,
not the cat.
Thanks.
That's $9 for the candles,
$30 for the reading--
Look, about Rosario,
l just can't do nothing?
He's too young to ruin his life.
Hold the phone.
Take these two birds.
The one with the yellow ring
is the male.
He represents your son.
Keep sprinkling oregano
on his tail--
the desire
for higher education.
The other one is the female.
Squint your eyes.
You see her aura?
Right now it's white...
because the Blessed Roscoe
is present.
This is an aura duster.
Keep dusting her aura to keep
her love for Rosario pure.
Don't let it turn orange...
or you're in the danger,
lower-crotch area.
Here. Keep reciting this chant
to the two birds.
''He is love deep.
''He is sacrifice all.
''He is education's first.
''He is in it
for the long haul.''
OK. That's $3.00
for the oregano...
$24.50 for the aura duster...
$42.50 for the birds...
a buck and a half for the chant.
He is love deep.
He is sacrifice all.
But his education's first.
All right, as soon as
she's in the costume...
we're going
to start the rehearsal.
-Yes, Miss DeLuca.
-We know.
l hear...
that the new Juliet's dress...
had to be opened up
this much on top.
That's how big her titties are.
l wish l had that problem.
Every night, l pray
that mine will grow bigger.
My mother says it ain't
the size that counts.
lt's the quality.
That's because your mother
got small titties.
l hope she's built better
than lsabel.
With her belly, the audience
wouldn't even have seen me.
l hear she's from ltaly...
so she don't talk English
too good like us.
Where do you think
Romeo and Juliet lived?
ln England. Ain't that
where Shakespeare lives?
Shakespeare's dead, you dope.
How do l know?
l don't watch PMS.
l got ham and provolone.
-Ciabatta and anchovies.
-l got eggs.
Ronny, your pizza's here!
Where's the pepperoni?
Snack time is over!
All right, come on.
Let's get to work.
All right. Gina,
you have just met Rosario...
so l want to assure you that
the kisses will be discreet.
All right.
With your bodies apart...
you're going to let
your lips brush lightly...
like a butterfly's wings
on a rose petal.
You got to leave the passion
to the audience's imagination.
All right? Go ahead.
Wait! Keep this much space
between your torsos.
Let your lips just touch
for one brief instant.
Perfect!
OK, everybody, come on!
Places from
the top of the show!
My granddaughter Rita's
playing the part of Prologue.
Mikey, if you could have seen
the way he drooled...
when he looked at her.
Boys his age
are supposed to drool.
But Mona says he's going
to give up everything--
She really sees you coming.
Now we got two frigging birds
who can't stop crapping...
stinking up our house.
What are you two talking about?
-Nothing.
-l saw your lips moving.
Where's your tooth?
l forgot.
There they are.
Look at them with their
Florentine noses in the air.
lt looks like
they're smelling something.
They're looking this way.
l am sure
that Regina having to act...
with the son of these Sicilians
make her as sick as l am.
We have no choice...
because we have to win over
their low-class clientele.
Good morrow.
ls the day so young?
But new struck nine.
Ay me, sad hours long.
Was that my father
that went hence so fast?
lt was.
He is so handsome...
just like Errol Flynn
in the old movies.
He fences good.
You'd never know he was clumsy.
Oh, shit!
'Tis not to me she speaks.
Why do they make him wear
them blue pantyhose?
lt makes
his dingle look too big.
Shh, Ma.
God forbid!
Where is this girl?
Juliet! Juliet!
How now, who calls?
Your mother.
Madam, l am here.
What is your will?
How eloquent she is.
Yes, but is a mismatch...
because she make
the Sicilian mama's boy...
look like a buffoon
from the circus.
Saints do not move...
though grant
for my prayers' sake.
Then move not,
while my prayer's effect l take.
Oh, boy.
Thy drugs are quick.
Thus with a kiss l die.
They're doing it for real.
Rosario!
Rosario! No more.
Stop!
My God.
l never saw this before.
How dare he do that
to my little girl!
He pretend to be mama's boy.
Oldest Sicilian trick
in the back of the book.
Why she don't stop him? Why?
Because she has to act
as if she's dead...
and he's taken advantage.
Mona knew.
The Blessed Roscoe knew.
That's what masculine acting is.
You kiss the girl
like you go for her.
Her aura is changing.
-What?
-Nothing.
Rosario!
She is kissing him
with her mouth open.
Stop!
l don't care
if l lose the business.
l don't raise my daughter
for this.
l am going to pull the curtain.
Let me go!
You don't understand.
Get out of the way!
...violate my daughter.
Let me out of here!
Piero, come back!
They've stopped kissing!
Come back. Come on.
Please, let me go.
You got some nerve, fatso.
l...die.
l hate those pantyhose.
His dingle
looks even bigger now.
Dear God! ls he stiff?
l think he's stiff from her.
That's just a towel in there...
so they don't hurt it
when they duel.
lt's a towel. l'm so relieved.
-Let me see!
-Get out of my way!
Stop looking.
Sicilian son of a bitch!
This is so embarrassing.
lt's growing.
l will kiss thy lips.
Haply some poison
yet doth hang on them...
to make me die
with a restorative.
My poor baby has to kiss
the Sicilian animal now!
l hope she bite off his lips and
spit them into his face!
Oh, my God.
This must be method acting.
Gina...a butterfly's wings.
A butterfly's wings.
Her aura, it's turning orange.
Go for it, Gina!
He is love deep.
He is sacrifice all.
lf she were my daughter,
l'd break her head.
They must've used two towels.
-Here he goes again!
-Sit down, fatso!
You want a rap in the mouth?
Yeah? Step in the toilet!
-You be quiet!
-Piero, come back!
The kiss is finished.
You'll ruin her death scene.
O happy dagger...
this is my sheath.
There rest...
and let me die!
Move! You have to move.
That's so rude!
The scene is over.
l want to go as soon
as the curtain comes down.
-Get out of my way!
-A real banana.
l will challenge you to a duel!
Get him to the banquet hall
the minute this show is over.
Right. Ma, wait in the car.
We want to extricate him
unbeknownst.
l knew it.
He was stiff from her!
Come on.
Some shall be pardoned.
Others shall be punished.
For never was
a story of more woe...
than this
of Juliet and her Romeo.
Come on, Rosario.
You got to come with us.
Get out of here! Jesus, Ma!
Sadie, come on!
Ma, get off the stage!
l was so disgusted
over how you kissed that boy.
lt was pornografia!
All right. Tonight we go home,
sleep the night good.
Tomorrow you are in Paris,
we forget about everything.
No, Papa. The banquet!
The whole cast is going!
l will not set foot in
that Cappamezza catering hall!
And neither should you!
And that is final!
Magnificent performance, Gina.
See you at the banquet?
No, Monsignore,
she cannot come...
because tomorrow she get
up early, go to airport.
l understand, but l want to
thank her and you two publicly.
You just come for that?
We--
l didn't fall asleep once...
except during the parts
where people were just talking.
But in the swordplay...
and the smooching--terrific.
What about my Francis?
He was great.
l believed he was her nurse...
and he was very manly
in the girl's clothes.
You're ready for Broadway!
And, Tony, you was great
as Rosario's uncle.
l wasn't his uncle.
l was his cousin.
Well, whoever you were...
you all made the evening
very bearable.
Papa, l'd like
to say hello to the cast.
You say hello to the girls.
Only to the girls, eh?
Hello and good-bye.
Next year,
we're doing Ju//us and Caesar.
l'm playing Mrs. Caesar.
You ever see the smoke
in this way?
-So ridiculous, eh?
-lt's obscene.
What they are trying to do,
re-create forest fire?
Look at them.
They are green with envy
from our decor.
When they taste our food,
they're going to wish...
they were in
another business altogether.
l don't see the daughter.
She's over there with the girls.
You two were so sexy up there.
l thought l was watching...
Mel Gibson
and Michelle Pfeiffer.
Where did you learn
to kiss like that...
boarding school?
l asked my parents to send me.
They were afraid
l'd lose my cherry.
They don't know this...
but l lost it to a Guido
when l was 14.
l been to the Capri Motel.
What is a Capri Motel?
The horniest place
on City lsland.
lt's got waterbeds shaped like
the back seat of a car...
and porno movies in every room.
l lost mine there, too.
l ain't been a virgin
almost a month.
And we know who Mr. Lucky is.
What?
We're all victims
of peer pressure.
What about you?
My parents are very strict.
Wait here.
l'd like to call up
Mike and Sadie Cappamezza...
and Count and Contessa Malacici.
Which just shows...
You want to dance, Rosario?
Hey!
...can turn business rivals
into good friends.
One and two and three.
What is that?
What is this? How goes it?
Bring Regina.
Hello, Mr. Frederico, Mrs. F.
Piero...wait. Look.
The Fredericos.
We must not go
without to talk to them.
We must cater
their daughter's wedding.
How are you?
Your daughter Carmella...
recite the line of
Lady Capulet with such artistry.
And she reeks of intelligence.
And that is why she deserve
the grand wedding...
we have prepared for her.
Every guest will have...
roast goose
or bistecca Chateaubriand.
And vanilla tartufi.
And amaretto creme brulee
with the wedding cake.
What about the smoke?
Oh, yes.
Every man smoke big cigar.
No, no, no.
We like the smoke effect.
Smoke effect.
We love smoke effect...
but our smoke will be finer...
not only to the ankle,
but all the way to the calf.
Yes, and softer,
like in a Fellini movie.
The sneaks are trying
to steal the Fredericos!
What do you say, Ralph?
How are you doing, Angie?
Hi. How are youse?
They're not looking. Now!
For Carmella's wedding,
as souvenirs...
we take a picture of you two
from your wedding...
and we print it on
the front of each coffee cup.
And engraved on the inside...
a pink rose entwined with
a silver ribbon, that says...
''Carmella loves Tony
and vice versa...
''Compliments,
Angie and Ralph Frederico.''
l've never seen that
before at a wedding.
l am sure they do it
in Coney lsland.
They make a good-looking couple
even off the stage.
-Who?
-Your daughter and your son.
Now l know why the Malacicis...
and the Cappamezzas
get along so well.
They're making a match.
No! She's only 16!
He just got
his driver's license.
They have only
the Shakespeare in common.
She's rushing off for culture
to Paris for the ballet...
and he's pursuing his intellect
taking Geometry ll this summer.
He's practically
a juvenile delinquent.
The other Romeo
did not come close to you.
Did you kiss him
like you kissed me?
l never kiss anyone
like l kiss you.
l take it
they don't like me for you.
They don't like anyone for me...
but you in particular.
Why? Because the folks
are rivals?
No. Because you are
dangerous and sexy.
Easy, easy.
Sadie will design
candy-covered almonds...
wrapped in lace
with a bow...
a plastic bird, a feather,
and a simulated zircon ring.
The Malacicis say they can do...
a soft Fellini smoke
up to the knees.
We can do bright ''Terminator 2''
smoke up to the chin!
Watch this!
With a double Technicolor
Walt Disney rainbow.
Oh, my.
Turn it down!
lt's way too high, Mikey!
l can't. lt's stuck!
-Do something!
-l got to get a wrench.
Where are they?
Where are the children?
The children. Oh, boy.
Did l do this?
Did l make the rainbow
too romantic?
You both do!
You make a camouflage!
lt's your fault!
Stealing the Fredericos,
forcing us to show off!
Wait a minute!
Where are the Fredericos?
This is exactly what l want,
only more purple.
ls this where
all the boys take the girls?
Yeah.
Have you ever
taken anyone else here?
Yeah.
My mother,
when we needed to talk...
and once my grandma.
You don't have a girlfriend?
No.
How come?
After saying all those
Shakespearean lines to you...
it's kind of hard to come up
with the right words, but...
l've been
waiting for the moon...
to send down a goddess
from the heavens.
And then it must have
done it because...
she's come.
l've waited
my whole life for you.
-Oh, no!
-Wait, wait, wait!
Don't be scared.
We'll only do
what you want to do.
Gina! Gina!
Where are you going?
What? What did l do?
l'm crazy in love with you!
l never wanted to be
a ballerina.
Mother and Father
both gave up studying...
for the opera
when they got married...
and l thought that their dream
for me was mine, too.
Mother wants
to keep me away from men...
until l am famous...
and Father wants me
to marry only royalty...
that has not gone broke,
like we did in Firenze.
My parents named the business
''Prince Rosario'' after me.
Your parents were right.
You are a prince.
l'm not going away.
Yeah. You got a right
to think for yourself.
Yes.
Let's go tell them.
Who? You and me?
You won't let them
intimidate me, will you?
Absolutely not.
l'm used to dealing
with crazy people.
My grandmother
is a complete fruitcake.
You let me do the talking
to your parents, OK?
lf we knew where they was,
wouldn't we tell you?
lf your son
dishonor our daughter...
l will hold you responsible!
Our daughter is
an angel of regal bearing...
a treasure,
a princess from a fairy tale...
who walk in purity!
And what's our son--
a big bag of shit?
Mike!
Please don't use the ''s'' word.
Our son is a gentleman,
and he's an altar boy.
He's a lover of all mothers.
l will call the police!
l will call the FBl!
They have
just drive up in the car!
See? Nothing from nothing.
Let's go to bed.
What will you say to him?
l'll tell him,
''Hey, forget about Paris.
''She's with me. Get it?''
How's that?
Let's get out of here!
My father will kill you!
She's just a baby,
pussy wussy pussycat!
She's a little baby calico cat.
She's a little kissable cat.
She's a little--
Hey, Mikey.
Get the hell out of here.
Oh, yes!
Thank you, Blessed Roscoe.
-What's that?
-Nothing.
-Keep doing what you're doing.
-You got it.
Hello. Yes.
The kids, they left.
We got to find out where
they are.
l'm not feeling so good.
l'm a little nauseous.
Get me a cup of mint tea.
Hello.
Mona, could you please
do me a favor...
and ask the Blessed Roscoe
if he knows where the kids are?
Hold on a second.
The Blessed Roscoe sees
their expectation to consummate.
Oh, boy! Does he know where?
He sees water,
a bed, the letter ''C.''
-Uh-huh.
-That's it. l got to go.
Three people have asked me
to try and make rain.
Water, a bed, the letter ''C.''
The letter ''C.''
Mike, we got to get
to the Capri Motel...
before they consummate
in a waterbed!
How do you know they're there?
Because it all adds up.
My parents
are great in a crisis.
Wait right here.
l'll be right back.
Ma! Pop! l need you
for some advice, huh?
Ma!
The only one home is my grandma,
and she's sleeping.
You will not
ever leave me, will you?
No.
No, no. l love you.
From the tip of my heart
to the depth of my soul...
l love you.
l'd like to see your room.
Well, it's real messy.
Be tender with me.
l'm a virgin.
Ditto.
-l don't see his car.
-Good.
We're going to save them
from ruining their lives.
Oh, Romeo!
Romeo, wherefore art thou,
Romeo?
The moon, Juliet.
l'm on the moon!
Oh, my God!
l don't believe it.
-ls it them?
-No.
lt's Dr. Rondino
and Miss DeLuca.
What does this mean?
lt means up, down, up, down.
They ain't coming here.
Let's go home.
Water...
bed, and the letter ''C.''
Water, bed, the letter ''C''!
''C'' for Cappamezza on the water!
Mikey, they're in our house
on our water!
You go look. l can't look.
All right. l'll go look.
l'm going to go look.
l left the candles burning.
Rosario! Rosario!
Who is it?
lt's your mother and dad.
l'm sleeping.
l'll talk to you in the morning.
Get dressed
and get in the closet.
Where's my underpants?
Here. Where's my bra?
Here's your bra,
and here's your panties.
l know you're in there
with the girl.
What makes you think that?
l can sense it
with my mother's intuition.
There. He took her home,
and he was sleeping.
Go back to bed, Rosario.
Come on.
l feel bad l didn't trust him.
l'm going to go back
and apologize.
Rosario, please forgive--
We love each other very deeply.
She's through living a lie
to make her parents happy.
And that is
why we slept together.
You slept together?
You didn't have sex, did you?
No. They were
bobbing for apples.
Oh, not Rosario.
This girl, she's Juliet.
l did this.
l left the candles burning.
l misread the Blessed Roscoe's--
All right. All right.
Look, girlie...
we're adults, my wife and me.
You had a bisensual rendezvous
for two with my son...
and you should wallow in it
tomorrow on the plane.
What my husband
is trying to say is...
just cherish the bliss you had
with Rosario in ballet school...
and then maybe
in six or seven years...
No. l do not
want to go to Paris.
Yeah! And if she goes,
l go, too.
What? You got
to graduate high school...
to go to college,
And what about this summer?
You and me were going
to cure pepperoni together.
Are you trying to tell us...
that you would give up
everything for this girl?
Ma, do you want me
to be happy and live...
or miserable and die?
These are my only choices?
Yeah.
Excuse me a minute, please.
Sadie, l can't talk now.
l got another client here.
This is an emergency!
So is this. Talk quick.
Me and the Blessed Roscoe
have got our hands full.
For seven years...sneaking
around in cheap motels...
in forbidden bliss
on damp mattresses.
Rosario says he doesn't want
to live without this girl.
Why me? Why me?
What am l going to do?
The Blessed Roscoe is poking me.
He says we'll marry
when his mother dies.
Could you hold it down
for a second, sweetheart?
l'm trying to commune here.
The woman is 94!
l may die before her.
The Blessed Roscoe says
love is not enough.
l thought he said
love is all there is.
Love is all there is...
but it's also not enough.
What does that mean?
l don't know, Sadie.
Figure it out.
His old mother suffers so.
Do you think you might have
some humane herbs...
to help her to Heaven?
The Blessed Roscoe and me
are healers, not hit men.
Love is all there is.
Love is not enough.
Open this door.
l want to speak to your son.
We demand to know
where our daughter is.
Wait here.
Open this door.
My son ain't here.
The car is in front.
We know he is in there.
Quick, hide her.
No. lt is time they found out
who l really am...
and who made me true to myself.
We will tell them, right,
Rosario?
Alack, there lies more peril
in thine eyes, Juliet...
than 20 of their swords.
Don't be a sucker, Rosario.
Play dumb.
Regina, what are you doing here?
We have something
we want you to know...
something very important.
Tell them.
Who, me?
Please, come in.
Join us in our parlor...
and we'll have
a little tte--tte talk.
May l offer you a banana?
How about a gummy bear?
We don't want banana,
gummy bear.
We want to know
the A, B, C, and the D!
Did you ever see the episode of
''As The World Turns''...
where Emily tells Barbara
that she and Gavin had...
a mystical odyssey on the beach?
Or maybe you read
in the ''National Enquirer''...
about Cher
and her latest guitarist...
being caught on a motorcycle.
Well, Rosario and Gina...
unthinkingly,
while we were out...
they were swept away
in our house.
What?
What is she talking about?
They...
They had coitus that...
wasn't interruptus.
And now she don't want
to go to Paris no more...
or be a ballet dancer
anymore.
Have you lost your mind?
You throw away your life
for this?
You're getting on that plane...
if l have to drag you
by the hair!
You're making Gina cry.
She wants to be with me.
ls that such a bad thing?
-l'm going to kill you!
-Papa, l love him!
Let go of him! Hey!
Get back in that chair!
You want to scream and yell
like your wife...
you got every right...
but you choke my son again,
l'll throw you in the bay!
l can take
care of myself, Pop.
Shut up and sit down
before l choke you myself!
He ruin her.
He ruin my daughter.
He ruin everybody.
He did not ruin anybody!
He made me happy!
She's my dream come true.
You shut up.
l get my gun, l shoot you!
You ain't shooting anybody,
Count Dracula!
l am Count Dracula?
This whole family
is Frankenstein!
Please, let's not turn this
into a tragedy!
lt's a comedy because
they love each other.
And, look, l'm laughing.
Come on. You laugh, too.
Everybody laugh.
Don't you ever set foot
in my house again!
She don't mean you're a putana.
l do! l do!
And you'll get nothing!
You'll go from this world
the way you came--with nothing!
Please. Don't reject her.
l left the candles burning...
and now they love each other...
and love is all there is.
You shut up!
l knew this was all your fault!
Candles! Voodoo!
God is going to punish you!
lt is not voodoo!
lt's love charms!
You're a witch! A witch!
You call me a witch?
Know what? l have lost
my patience with you!
Just get out of my house!
l will never
forgive you for this!
You'll hate yourself
for giving up the ballet!
l was only doing it for you.
l don't want you to give up
your talent for love like us.
That was your choice.
This is mine.
What about Rosario?
He's going to give up
everything for her.
That's right.
Everything?
Rosario have nothing.
He don't have a job.
He don't even have
a certificate of high school!
He's giving up his future,
where he has everything--
his high-school certificate,
fame, wealth!
Our business
will be his someday!
Huh? You are broke.
We check in the bank.
You owe $1 22,000...
and now everybody in
the whole neighborhood know...
that you are nothing
but a low-class Joe Blow!
How dare you call us
a low-class Joe Blow?
We are just as pretentious
as you will ever be!
And maybe the whole
neighborhood should know...
that you tried to sell
your title in ltaly...
and nobody would buy it!
We looked it up!
Son of a bitch!
l will throw you
and your wife in the bay!
Yeah? Come on! Try it!
-Don't stoop to their level.
-l want to give him beating.
They have no breeding!
-We breed plenty!
-Yeah!
But he deserves a beating.
l was champion of boxing
in the University of Bologna.
l give him a beating
he never forget.
You want a piece of me?
Come up here!
Now you've--
Come in the house!
No! l want him!
Piero!
l'm gonna kill him!
Let me at him!
l'm gonna kill him!
No, no. Leave them.
l'll strangle you!
Let me get my hands on you!
l am exhausted.
l'm gonna punch him
right in the mouth!
You are stupid
and you are nothing!
Let me at him!
You chickenshit peckerhead!
You make me cup of coffee, no?
l hate them!
l wish they were not my parents!
That's like wishing your foot
wasn't your foot...
just because
it's got a bad fungus.
l can never go back to them!
Maybe they're just
obnoxious temporarily, huh?
ln the meantime,
you'll be the daughter...
we always wanted.
l told you
my parents were great.
Look, now that she's under
our sexual auspices...
your behavior has got to be...
according to
the rules of Queen Victoria.
You know what l mean?
Kosher.
Here's one
of Grandma's bathrobes.
And you're going to sleep
inside there...
with Grandma in her bed.
You see,
sex is a gift from God...
and you two have chosen
to share that gift...
but now we're going
to take that gift...
we're going to put it
back in the box...
and under the tree, OK?
Because Mikey and l,
we're responsible now.
l wish you were my mother,
Mrs. Cappamezza.
Good night, Gina.
Good night.
Good night, honey.
Good night, Ma.
Good night.
Good night, Pop.
-She's such a sweet girl.
-Yeah.
l think l handled it
as if love is not enough.
Let's get back
to what we was doing.
-What?
-You know...whoopee.
-We got to stand guard.
-What for?
We can't take a chance.
They're too overstimulated.
And what am l?
Gina.
Gina!
Rosario?
What's the matter?
l heard you crying.
l never talked back
to my parents before.
We bring out the best
in each other.
Will you always love me...
and choose me
over the other woman?
-What other woman?
-Your mother.
l'll never have to choose.
l love you both.
And she loves you, too.
You heard her.
Why did she say
we should not sleep together?
l am not a putana.
Your mother said that,
not mine!
You raise your voice to me?
-l did?
-Yes!
l'm sorry.
l'm sorry l insult your mother.
Our first fight.
Yes.
lt makes me hot.
Me, too.
l still got the potato gnocchi
and the garbazel to cook.
The Fasuli-Baldilamente wedding
is a killer.
Where the hell's Rosario?
He's probably tired...
from talking to her
through the window all night.
He's tired?
l got practically no sleep...
and when l did sleep...
l dreamed about you
and you know what.
Mike, come on.
We were on top
of the small banquet table.
l had one foot on the ground,
the other foot up in the air...
and with my other foot...
Oh, stop!
Good morning.
Good evening.
Go put the clams
in the Fra Diavolo sauce.
lt's too hard
staying away from Gina...
and it's stupid.
We already had sex together.
Why should she sleep
in Grandma's bed and not mine?
Because Grandma
can't get her pregnant.
-You can't keep me from her.
-Rosario.
Hey! lsabel Fasuli is here
with her mother in a panic.
l'm caught in the zipper, Sadie!
Her gown split open at
the church during the ''l Dos.''
She's been eating chocolates
for two weeks around the clock.
l'm nervous, Ma, OK?
Give me that chocolate bar.
Spit it in my hand.
This is what
we're going to do, Adele.
l'll take this cabbage rose
from the back...
and put it in the front...
then we're going to take
this big cabbage rose...
and l'm going
to put it in the back.
And nobody will know
that she gained a few pounds.
How about twenty in two weeks?
Some of us gain weight
because we feel...
that if we have everything,
people will envy us.
Yeah, Ma. People envy me.
That's why l eat!
Go out and stun your guests
and surprise your enemies.
Wait, Ma.
l got to get my shoes.
Fidella, look out!
Watch what you're doing!
You almost killed another cat.
Don't you dare
eat another thing...
until you leave
for your honeymoon.
This is the last fitting
that l am putting Sadie through.
Mr. and Mrs. Cappamezza,
l want you to know...
that Rosario just burned
his finger in the kitchen.
l don't know what
you said to him about me...
but you hurt him
very, very deeply.
And now, for the first time
as Mr. and Mrs. Baldilamente...
please welcome lsabel and Vinny!
Vinny, that looks beautiful.
That cake looks
absolutely beautiful.
Ma, Pop! Everybody, listen up.
l just made a big decision.
l want the whole world to know.
Gina, there's something
l should have asked you...
from the moment
l first saw you.
-What?
-Will you marry me?
Now will you be my wife?
Oh, Rosario, yes, l will.
Congratulations!
Get back to work!
Everybody, get back to work!
-Are you crazy?
-l thought you'd be happy.
Happy?
We'd be happier
if you were out of high school.
You're still babies!
Telephone, Gina Malacici.
My body's addicted to her.
l got to get married.
You get married
when your brain is mature...
not just your pubic parts!
-More pigs knuckles.
-Coming up.
-No, you're too young.
-Ma, please.
lt's not legal.
lt is legal
with parents' approval.
Didn't we just say no?
This is annoying!
My parents
just gave their approval!
What? Last night
they hated Rosario's guts...
and they threw you
out into the snow.
They miss me,
and they want me to be happy.
More fried octopus
and zucchini sticks!
On the fire! lt's very nice
your parents miss you...
but if they gave their approval,
they got a couple screws loose.
My parents happen to be
highly cultured aristocrats!
They would never make
a cake like that!
This cake happens to be
our deluxe glamorama...
and nobody but us matches
the little plastic dolls...
to the live wedding party.
ln ltalia, these strawberries
with gold roses...
they would be a laughingstock!
Well, in these parts,
they're the cat's ass.
-More scungilli marinara!
-Ready to travel!
l think you miss your parents...
and that's why
you're acting so nutsy.
l am just trying to teach you
what's in bad taste.
More rice
and pepperoni fritters!
Coming up!
lf there's any one person...
who should be teaching
somebody something...
it should be me!
l'll have you know l starred
on ''Wedding Dos and Don'ts''...
on the local
City lsland cable channel...
where l pointed out
that bad taste...
was better
than no taste at all.
Am l right, Rosario?
Apologize to Gina
for calling her nutsy.
What? She just insulted
me and your father.
lt's true. Her parents'
decorations are less gabon.
Who's a gabon? l'm a gabon?
More pigs knuckles!
What the hell are these people
eating with, a shovel?
Mike, we got a problem.
l know.
We're out of pigs knuckles.
How come l hear
that the Malacicis...
offer my wife's brother
Jackie...
the exact same deluxe wedding
as lsabel for 50% less?
They're undercutting.
They lose money at that price.
The Malacicis
may use our menu...
but their portions
are so refined...
for people like you
and your families...
with large, gourmet frames...
l want a refund now...
or l will never do
another affair here!
And that goes
for all the Fasulis...
my wife's side,
the Laciannos...
her mother's side,
the Brunos...
the Baldimentes,
and the Macrogiovannis!
We can't.
We're paying off our loan.
Come help me!
lsabel threw up
doing the Alley Cat.
l told her not to stuff herself
with the pork in plum sauce!
Act casual.
Maybe nobody will notice.
Nobody will notice she has
vomit on her wedding gown?
Sadie, do something!
Here.
Wipe her off with this rag...
and hang this
car freshener on her.
lt's the latest thing.
Rosario, couldn't we talk
about this later, please?
Don't make him choose
between me and you!
That's not a very nice
thing to say.
lf we're old enough to want
to make love all day...
we're old enough
to get married.
lt's easy to make love all day
when you're not married.
lt's much harder
when you have to!
That's right.
Where are you going?
Her parents' house.
They want us to be happy!
You'd go live with
those sneaky sleaze bags?
How dare you say that
about my parents!
Keep quiet! l'm talking to him!
We speak the truth
because we love each other!
Yeah? Here's truth.
You're jealous of us.
And here's another truth--
l don't know if l want to be
in the catering business.
Hot stuff coming through.
l can't believe he left.
l can't believe he doesn't want
to be in the catering business.
They're ready for
the Polynesian pupu platters!
Hey, what happened?
Our heir apparent
just walked out on us.
What happened to the bird?
One of them keeled over.
Oh, my God. lt's the female.
Mary, Mother of God,
please save her.
Why are you so hysterical?
Don't you get the symbolism?
l jinxed the bird.
lf she dies, l will have
killed her with my thoughts!
Sadie, thoughts don't kill.
Please, Mike,
rush her to the vet...
and don't let her die, please!
OK, OK, OK.
l'll take her to the vet.
l can't come to the phone.
Having an out-of-body
experience.
Leave your name and number
after the beep...
and l'll call you back
before Saturn is in retrograde.
Oh, boy.
Let me tell you
a couple things...
about your mother-in-law
that you don't know.
She auditioned for
the original movie ''Jaws.''
Know why she didn't get it?
Her mouth was too big.
She walked over to
her girlfriend and said...
''l was stuck on the escalator
for 3 1/2 hours.''
-''Why didn't you walk down?''
-''l was going up.''
Monsignor, can l talk to you
for a minute?
Thank you.
An anonymous underage couple...
partook of
gratification coitally...
and l'd like to drop something
on their heads...
but l don't want
to be interfering...
and a bird, symbolizing
the female in this couple...
is at death's door.
Are you familiar
with the Blessed Roscoe...
the Merry Martyr?
No...but l have a feeling
Mona Barcavella is.
You don't think she's a nut,
do you, Father?
Sadie, there are people
who think l'm a nut.
First the Blessed Roscoe said,
''Love is all there is''...
and then he said,
''Love is not enough.''
That's the riddle of the Sphinx.
Love is all there is...
but when is love not enough?
l've been working
on that one myself.
That's so comforting
to know, Father.
l'll do this for you.
l'll give you another riddle.
Who are you
when you're not a mother?
When l'm not a mother?
Who am l?
Monsignor, l don't know.
Now let me tell you
about my mother-in-law.
This woman is so fat...
that she was crossing
King's Highway...
a truck went around her
and ran out of gas.
l'll tell you how stupid
my mother-in-law is.
She thinks mutual orgasm
is an insurance company.
Enough with
the mother-in-law jokes.
How about the gaga
that mother-in-laws...
put up with
from daughter-in-laws?
Nobody ever talks about that.
You stink.
Keep your mouth shut.
Who needs to listen to that?
My daughter-in-law, that strush.
Comedians--
they have no respect.
You're not even funny!
Wait. l'm just--
Get off the stage!
You stink!
Get the hell off!
lt was just a joke.
You don't know dick!
You're not funny.
l got a son-in-law.
Get off! You stink!
Mama, Papa, they did not
want us to get married.
l really appreciate
your accepting us, Dad.
You don't mind me
calling you Dad, do you?
What are you doing?
Someday you will thank us.
Don't you come back here again!
We're locking her in her room...
and sending her to Paris
tomorrow morning under guard!
Good thing my father isn't here!
l'll kick you in the ass!
Burn this vulgar Cappamezza rag.
Rosario, you're back.
Thank God.
Her parents locked her up.
They're giving her
a police escort...
to the plane tomorrow.
lt's for the best.
Those people, they're poison.
lf she leaves,
l never want to see you again.
Rosario...
Rosario...
you know how much l adore you.
You don't get it, do you, Ma?
lt's over between us.
lt's her turn to adore me now.
So you came back. That's good.
What happened?
Her parents lied to them
about getting married...
and now they're sending her
to Paris tomorrow by force.
Ooh, are we lucky.
ls the bird going to be OK?
lt's got a broken wing.
lt's in shock.
With the X-rays,
we're up to 200 bucks.
The vet wants to know how much
we're willing to spend.
Everything we got!
Broken wing and shock.
What does this all mean?
Why does everything always
have to mean something, Sadie?
Everything isn't
always what it seems to be.
l'm looking for what really is.
l want to be a good person.
l don't want to change people
by pushing them.
l want to change them
with my love.
lf we get arrested for this,
l'll never tell...
because anything in
the name of love is God's work.
We're like holy warriors
and shit.
Heaven is here,
where Juliet lives.
Every dog and every cat
and every little mouse...
may look upon her,
but Romeo may not.
When Carmella distracts them
with the loud music...
l spike the sauce.
ln the confusion,
we snatch Gina away.
This is a great plan.
l love this plan.
l'm calling my potion
Rosario's Revenge.
Duck!
This is so exciting.
l humbly accept this award...
from the City lsland
Cultural Society.
-lt's not going to work.
-Are you kidding?
This stuff would kill the hairs
on a Calabresa's ass.
As ltalians, be proud
to be from the country...
that gave us Dante,
that gave us Da Vinci...
that gave us Puccini,
that gave us--
Michelangelo.
How crude.
Piero della Francesca,
Tintoretto.
Cappamezza sabotage.
Chase that calamari
away from here.
Chase them!
-l hope this works.
-Will you quit worrying?
There's hot peppers
in there...
my family's been marinating
since before Mussolini.
Oh, boy,
they're coming this way.
We're on our way.
As Shakespeare would say,
''May the merry farts begin.''
This is the last straw of
the Sicilian Cappamezza!
Destroy them!
l want you to bring them
to their knees!
l will bring them to their feet!
Let me at them!
What did l tell you?
lt's working like a dream.
Hoist yourself up.
l got you.
You came for me!
Quick.
Leave them this note.
l want them to think
we're committing suicide.
That way, when they find out...
we're just eloping,
they'll be grateful.
You are so smart.
Quick, climb down my back.
All right. Move it over.
My ear. That's my ear.
Oh, God.
Go, Vinny! Go, Vinny!
Vinny! Vinny! Go, Vinny!
Come on! Come on!
Run! Run!
-We got to hide.
-ln here, in the smokehouse.
l was looking for my pussycat.
You seen him?
Big orange guy, three legs.
Here, Tripod. Tripod.
Here, Tripod.
Where are you, Tripod?
Tonight's the night
for lsabel and Vinny
Tonight's the night
for lsabel and Vinny
Whoo, lsabel! Whoo, Vinny!
Tonight's the night
for lsabel and Vinny
The coast is clear.
l think we can get away now.
This time tomorrow, we'll be
in Tennessee and married.
We got to get to my car
before they get back.
l love what you've done.
l love that
we're tricking our parents.
They think they know everything.
Yeah. Who needs them?
We got each other.
Should we not be going?
We got time.
lsabel and Vinny gonna do
the wild thing
lsabel and Vinny gonna do
the wild thing
Whoo, lsabel! Whoa, Vinny!
Whoo, lsabel! Whoa, Vinny!
Not Marilyn! My cake!
What are you doing?
l'm gonna kill you!
l swear! What are you doing?
lt's OK.
l'm going to help you.
The wedding is ruined.
My life is over.
The Malacicis did this!
Let's go teach
those ass wipes a lesson!
Nobody makes a jerk out
of my baby lsabel!
l'll kill them!
Ooh, cannoli creme.
lf l get my hands on them,
l'll mash them...
l'll bash them,
l'll pulverize them!
Do you know what
this wedding cost me?
$22,500! Without the band!
Get them!
Get every frigging one of them!
Get those bastards!
l saved 15 years
for that beautiful wedding...
since her first Holy Communion!
Give me a hand.
Let's knock their new smokehouse
over on its ass! Heave!
-What's happening?
-l don't know.
We got to get out of here.
Heave!
We got them! We got them!
l think l pulled something.
Where's the door?
l don't know.
l think we're sitting on it.
OK, let's not panic.
l'll figure something out.
What is that smell?
Gas. A line must be broken.
Help! Help! Help!
Somebody help us, please!
Please! Mama! Papa!
Mommy! Daddy! Help, please!
Gina is gone!
She left this note!
''Dear parents...
''we don't want to live
without each other.
''Forgive us
for what we are doing.
''Rosario and Gina.
''Lovers forever
in life and death.''
lt's Rosario's handwriting!
He can't mean suicide!
You have to find our children!
Jimmy, put out an APB on them.
They can't have gone far.
Please, go do it!
Could the bird--
Could the broken wing mean--
-We got to go find them.
-Come on!
Help! Help!
Help!
lf they die,
l will never forgive myself.
Blessed Mother, Mikey and l
and our new acquaintances...
the Count
and Contessa Malacici...
ask you to please bring
our children home safely.
Please,
l'll go to church every week.
-l go with you!
-Oh, Gina!
lt's no use.
l can't find the leak.
l regret any moment
l've lived without you.
We'll be together forever
in the afterlife.
Always.
-l don't want to die!
-Help!
-Michael.
-What?
l promise,
if the children are all right...
we will divide the neighborhood
in equal part.
l will go after
only the upper echelon...
and you will go after
the people of your level.
You're a real fair guy
for a big snob.
l thank you very much.
Please, dear God,
send somebody to guide us.
Look! Quick, stop the car!
-Mona?
-l've been praying for you.
lt's a miracle
that you heard me.
Both of your kids is in danger.
But doesn't the Blessed Roscoe
know where they are?
The Blessed Roscoe
can't help you.
You are creating
the meaning to your life.
You got the power here.
You will find them, with this.
-This?
-Yes!
This and this and this
ain't enough anymore.
Now go!
You ain't got a second to lose.
Go!
Where are we to go?
l don't know, but we ain't got
a second to waste.
Help...
Help.
We have been around
this neighborhood three times.
Now we must go back,
check with the police!
A little longer, please.
l'm trying to find them
with this.
You all right?
Yeah. l fell down.
l hurt my arm.
l think your arm is broken.
-Mike.
-What?
Mike, it's me! lt's me!
l'm the bird
with the broken wing.
l'm the one
who has to be healed.
What is she talking about?
l don't know what
she is talking about.
They're not committing suicide.
lt's me that wanted to die
from losing him.
They're eloping.
Piero, turn the car around.
They're in danger!
You just said they're eloping.
Maybe they were,
but now they're in danger.
Look at the cloud.
Don't you see
the snorting dragons?
l don't see the clouds.
What is a snorty dragon?
Piero, turn the car around.
Thus with a kiss, l die.
They're here.
They're here.
Where? Where are they?
They're here somewhere.
l'm beginning to feel it,
Not just here or here
or here...
but here!
Over here! This way!
Which way? This way?
This way! This way!
Which way are you talking about?
No! Over here!
Listen.
l hear something.
l smell gas.
The smokehouse!
They got to be in there.
Grab that edge.
We got it! Push it down!
Pull it open!
Help. Let me out of here.
Push again.
No, no, no. Pull.
Push.
Open the door. Where's the door?
Pull!
Oh, God.
Thank you so much.
Jesus. l'm so sorry.
Where am l?
You're in the hospital.
This, l think,
you'll get a big kick out of.
You're on sedatives,
just like the bird.
l'm glad you're OK, Sadie.
l would have been indisposable
without you, you know.
l know, Mikey.
l am so happy
You're looking so well, Sadie.
From the bottom of my soul...
l want to thank you
that you find the children.
You are very spiritual.
Thank you, Piero.
l'm sorry for acting
so nutsy with you.
You forgive us?
That's what mothers are for.
We were too young
to get married...
but we believe the experience
has grown us up.
We want to get married
because we believe...
the meaning for you saving us
is so that we could be together.
What do you think, Monsignor?
At sixteen, sexuality
overwhelms other feelings.
Can they love
themselves enough...
so they can
love each other more?
Another mystery, Monsignor?
Mike?
l vote yes because
they got us over a barrel.
Maria? Piero?
One moment, please, eh?
They are in love.
That is a fact.
We agree to the marriage.
Under this condition...
the appetizer and the pasta
will be at your catering hall.
The entree and the dessert
will be at our catering hall...
and there will be
no smoke effect...
or the deal is off!
Before we begin our ceremony...
Rosario and Gina
have written their own vows...
and they'd like to make them
at this time.
l'm sure the marriage
will mature them real fast...
and everything
will be all right.
l promise that l will
never wear clothes...
that you don't think
l look good in.
And l promise
to give you the space...
to play your kind of music.
At least they're not on drugs,
except for each other.
l'd like to thank my parents
for making it possible...
for me to go to Paris with Gina
for four years...
to study acting at the
Comedie-Franaise during the day
and Cordon Bleu
for cooking at night.
And my parents,
for allowing me...
to study ballet
and archaeology...
and for supporting
me and Rosario...
while we find ourselves.
l hope they're going
to be happy, Mikey.
lf they're not...
it's really
none of our business.
l figured it out.
''Love is all there is''
means that love is real.
Love is the immortal soul.
So if you're a parent...
you let your children
follow their hearts.
And ''love is not enough''...
means that even if your kids
don't know what they're doing...
if you're a good parent,
you say...
''lt's OK. lt's your life.''
We release these doves...
and our love soars with them.
l think the birds being
so healthy and happy...
means that the kids
are going to be, too.
l wonder what that means.
l now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Lovely.
And they all lived
happily ever after...
till last Thursday
around 3:00...
but that's another story.