Loving (2016) Movie Script
# Swinging wedding medley
Bye-bye, my old lad,
and thanks for a smashing weekend.
Wonderful company, lovely food
and your wife makes love magnificently!
(Train horn)
Excuse me, sir, but did I hear you correctly?
What's that, old chap?
You've been a guest in that gentleman's house
for the weekend
and you tell him to his face
that his wife makes love magnificently?
Yes, that's right.
Do you think that's quite correct?
Well, no. Not exactly, no.
But he's such a nice chap,
I wouldn't like to say anything to offend him.
I say, that was rather thoughtful of you.
(Conductor whistles tune)
- Fare?
- Oh, very fair, I'd say.
Come on, come on. I ain't got all day.
Oh, um, Guildhall, please.
Fares, please. Any more fares, please?
Fares, please.
Going all the way?
Why don't you go down front, sir?
You'll see better.
Don't lie to me, Sidney Bliss. You were with
that woman Esme Crowfoot all evening.
I keep telling you, I only popped in for a bit.
Half an hour, that's all. That's not long.
That's long enough for you.
What've you been doing? Holding a stopwatch?
What were you doing going to her flat, anyway?
She's one of our clients, isn't she?
I have to vet 'em, don't I?
Oh, "vet"! Is that the new word for it?
I can't fix 'em up with the right partners
until I find out what they do and how... they live.
Like the young widow at the tobacconist?
You must have "vetted" her at least 50 times!
Oh, God,
I only keep going in there for my shag!
Look, it's my job to find out
what the female clients do.
You should look after the men.
Don't be stupid. I know what they do.
Oh, don't try and joke your way out of it.
What would you say if I started vetting
all the male clients?
- I'd say, "Gawd help 'em."
- You rotten beast!
- I've had enough!
- Sophie, it hurts!
- Cut it out!
- I've had enough of you!
It's every night!
Sophie, it hurts.
Have you gone raving mad?
(Doorbell chimes Here Comes The Bride)
Come in.
Oh! Oh, I beg your pardon.
That's all right, sir. We're not ashamed of
being in love, are we, sweetheart?
- No, dear.
- What can we do for you, sir?
Er, well, it's about your advert.
I was looking for a wife.
And you couldn't have come to a better place.
Could he, my little baby?
No, indeed.
Well, it looks as if I shall have to leave you
for a little while, darling.
Business before pleasure, my dove.
You'll excuse us, won't you?
See you soon, sugar puff.
I'll be counting the moments
till I can get at you again.
It's amazing. Ten years we've been married.
You'd never believe it.
Oh, wonderful. I wouldn't mind a wife like that.
Like that?
No, we'll find you something better than...
We'll find you something more suited to you.
Won't you sit down, Mr?
Oh, Muffet. Bertram Muffet.
Muffin. Well, we'll have to find you
a crumpet to go with that, won't we?
- I beg your pardon?
- Never mind. Now, then, Mr Muffin...
- Er, Muffet.
- Muffet, yes.
Our charges, and very reasonable they are too,
are two guineas registration,
two for the introduction and two when you click.
- Click?
- Get married.
If you click without getting married,
it's four guineas.
Oh, yes, that's fine.
Bertram Muffin.
Muffet.
That's it, yes. We'll just get a few details. Age?
Oh, er, 17, I think.
17?
Well, I thought the younger she was,
the longer she'd last.
No, no, no. I want your details. Your age.
Oh, 27.
27. And what are you interested in?
Same as most chaps like to do, I suppose.
And that is?
Well, I don't know. I've never done it yet.
You should try it. It's lovely.
What I'm trying to do is
to find out what you like to do,
so I can fix you up with a girl who likes it, too.
Oh, yes, I would like a girl who likes it, too.
Yes, it is handy. Hobbies?
Oh, well,
my main one is making model aeroplanes.
Model aeroplanes?
- Yes, out of milk bottle tops.
- Milk bottle tops?
- Yes. They're not flying models, of course.
- No? You surprise me. Any other hobbies?
I rather like collecting book matches.
You know, all the different packets.
I don't think we'll have much trouble
finding you a girl that likes making aeroplanes
out of bottle tops and collecting the odd packet.
Oh, good.
Right, well, that's the lot.
Oh, wonderful. Er, what happens now?
Come with me.
Now, then.
All we do is feed the information
into the computer here,
and, after a few minutes,
the lady suitable to you will come out there.
What? Through that little slot?
She must be very small.
No, no, no.
Just the lady's particulars, not the lady herself.
This is a fantastic piece of machinery,
you know that? It cost a bomb.
This is a miracle of modern technology.
Here we go.
Bottle tops and book matches!
What a catch!
Ah! (Laughs)
Oh, yes. I think this is the ideal one, Mr Bliss.
Here we are, then.
Oh, gosh! That was quick.
- That's the beauty of it, you see, Mr Muffin.
- Muffet.
A fellow can spend his lifetime trying to find
the right girl. This machine does it in minutes.
Shall we see who the lucky lady is, then?
There's been a slight technical error here.
This one is definitely out of circulation.
What's the idea? Why her?
Why not? She's one of our clients.
- I know that, but she's no good.
- You seem to find her very satisfactory.
All right. You've had your little joke.
Let's have another one.
You seem to forget, Sidney, dear,
I didn't choose her,
it was chosen by
that miracle of modern technology.
Or perhaps you'd like me to explain
to our clients how it works.
No, no, no.
We don't need you... darling.
I want to see that
the gentleman's fixed up properly, dear.
It's a pity about that, Mr Muffin, a great pity.
- Oh, has your computer gone wrong?
- No, it's been too accurate.
- This lady's hobby is not compatible with yours.
- Oh, but how?
Well, she likes to make Christmas decorations
out of milk bottle tops.
That could lead to fights every morning
about who's going to have the top.
I'm sure we wouldn't.
It would bring your aircraft production
to a standstill.
Oh, nonsense, sweetheart.
I think it's a lovely idea.
Can't you just imagine these two young people
sitting in front of a fire every evening,
doing things with their tops?
I'm quite ready to have a go at it if she is,
Mr Bliss.
She's ready all right, mate...
to have a go, I mean.
Don't be a spoilsport, Sidney.
Her number's on the card. Let me call it.
I'll do it...
darling.
That's it. Now, hold it.
(Phone rings)
Oh, excuse me one moment, will you?
Esme Crowfoot speaking. Can I help you?
Oh, this is Mr Bliss of the Wedded Bliss Agency.
You've got a nerve calling me after the way
you behaved last night, I must say.
Yes, and I'm very sorry if I bothered you,
Miss Crowfoot.
The fact is we have a young gentleman here
who's very anxious to meet you.
Well, if he's anything like you,
I don't think I care to meet him, thank you.
She's all excited about it.
I don't know what you think I am,
or expect me to do,
but it'll take more than a dozen tired daffodils
to do it, I can assure you.
That's nice of you to say so.
We do our best to give satisfaction.
How about this evening?
- Yes, that's fine with Mr Muffin.
- Muffet.
How about the Parkway Cocktail Bar,
7:30 this evening?
Lovely. Fine. Yes, not at all. It's a pleasure.
You're very welcome.
That's that, then.
Two guineas registration, two guineas for
the introduction. That's four guineas altogether.
I'll give you one of our introductory cards,
so that she knows you come from us.
Oh, yes, thank you.
And you might like to have our little booklet,
giving a few tips on courtship,
a sort of Do-lt-Yourselves.
- I beg your pardon?
- Never mind. There we are.
Thank you.
Oh, yes, thank you very much.
That's very nice of you.
The Wit To Woo by Sidney Bliss. Interesting.
Yes, well, that's all, then.
And the very, very best of luck to you, Mr Muffet.
Er, Muffin. Erm...
Was there something else?
- Just my change. I gave you a five pound note.
- That's right.
There's two guineas registration, two for
the introduction and 16 bob for the booklet.
Oh. Oh, yes.
I... Yes. Oh, thank you.
Yes. Not at all. There we are.
Don't forget. Parkway Cocktail Bar, 7:30. Ta-ta.
Sophie. Sophie!
Now, cut it out, Sophie!
Well, Henry, you heard Mr Snooper's advice.
Do you think we should try it?
If you want to, Emily, but personally I don't think
a pair of steps is going to be the answer.
If I'm to help you sort out your problems,
I must insist on absolute candour.
Do not be afraid to use natural words
for natural functions.
You won't easily shock me, I can promise you.
So, let's have all the dirty linen out
and give it a jolly good washing, eh?
Now, who's going to be first? You, Mrs Dreery?
Well, really,
I suppose the trouble is we just can't get on.
Now, let's try to be more precise.
Get on... what? A horse? A bus?
Oh, no. You know.
Well, we just seem to have rows all the time.
Ah, rows, yes. About what, precisely?
Oh, everything. Like the way he went on
about that fireside chair I got him.
I think so, an' all. Look at it!
It must've been made for a bloody midget.
I couldn't get half my arse on it.
Hardly the cause for a row, Mr Dreery.
You must learn to turn the other cheek,
in a manner of speaking.
I didn't come here for a laugh, you know, mate.
I can stay at home and look at her for that.
Yes, well, there's usually some deeper,
underlying cause for stress in these cases.
Of course there is.
Let's face it.
You see, our problem is about our... sex.
You shouldn't have any trouble in that direction.
After all, you're one of each.
Some people are far worse off, you know.
- Are you trying to be funny, mate?
- No, no. Certainly not.
You don't seem to get the point, mate.
You see, the trouble with my wife is...
she won't have...
relations.
Oh, I think that's hardly fair, Mrs Dreery.
After all, it's perfectly normal to entertain
members of the family from time to time.
No, no, no, no, no.
She won't have...
...intercourse.
What?! Well, you must chat about something.
What he's trying to say is that we never have it.
That intimacy never takes place between us.
Ah, I see! Well, of course, you should have
mentioned that in the first place.
Obviously, that's the basic root of the problem.
Yes. Well, of course.
It naturally follows that everyone
should lead a well-balanced sex life.
That's the trouble: it isn't well balanced.
He's five stone heavier than me.
Mm. Yes. Oh.
I see. Yes, I can understand
the position you've been put on... put in.
Stone the crows. What's he talking about?
But don't you see?
At the moment, you are a dead weight.
And you're a bloody dead loss.
Don't talk to me like that!
Here I am, trying to help you...
Help me?
You couldn't help a dog find a bloody lamppost.
How dare you!
You come here using ridiculous words
like "relations" and "intercourse"
without having the slightest idea
what they mean!
I don't know what they mean?!
You're round the bleedin' twist!
That's it! Get out of my office, do you hear?
Get out!
We're getting out! Don't worry, mate!
Mr Snooper,
I must ask you to keep your voice down!
You can be heard all over the building.
I'm sorry. I was trying to give
this wretched couple some advice.
Advice? You couldn't advise a constipated cow
to take a laxative.
Sir, sir, if you and your wife
would care to wait outside,
I'll see you in a moment.
Snooper, these incidents are happening
far too often.
Well, I'm really very, very sorry, sir.
It's not all your fault. I shouldn't have employed
a bachelor to give advice to married couples.
But I know all about married couples.
My father and mother were one, you know.
I'm delighted to hear it, but it's not good enough.
Unless you're prepared to get married,
we'll have to dispense with your services.
- Is that understood?
- But I'm a confirmed bachelor.
I don't know any women.
Then find one!
Go to a matrimonial agency or something.
But do it. Soon.
Married? lt'll disrupt my entire life!
Well, that's all right, then.
Age, habits, hobbies, likes, dislikes.
Now, did you say you'd been married before?
That's right. Twice.
Are your wives dead?
That's right.
I see.
The first wife died from eating mushrooms.
Ooh, I'm sorry to hear that.
So was she.
The second wife died from a fractured skull.
A fractured skull? How did that happen?
Wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
Wouldn't eat the mu...
Thank you, Dr Crippen.
Don't call us, we'll call you.
Thank you.
You must be joking!
Oh, good afternoon.
The Wedded Bliss Agency sent me.
Mr Philpot?
That's right. I'm supposed to meet
a Miss Jenny Grubb.
You wouldn't be?
Jenny is my daughter.
Oh, thank goodness...
Er, thank goodness I've come to the right place.
That remains to be seen.
Thank you very much.
Jenny is in here, Mr Philpot, having tea.
- You haven't had it, have you?
- Oh, no. No, this is the first time we've met.
- Tea, Mr Philpot.
- Oh, I'm sorry. No, I haven't.
Good afternoon.
Nice day.
This is Mr Philpot, who wishes to marry Jenny.
I say, steady on. I mean,
give us a chance to get to know each other first.
See how we hit it off, eh?
Mr Philpot, you may as well understand
here and now
that there will be no question of "hitting it off"
before marriage.
No, I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea.
I only went to the agency for a bit of fun.
If it's fun you want,
I fear you've come to the wrong place.
Yes, I can see that.
Well, you may as well meet Jenny
now that you're here.
Oh, thanks. Well, nice to have met you all.
She's here, Mr Philpot.
This is Jenny.
How do you do, Jenny?
No physical contact yet, please.
Jenny, get Mr Philpot some tea.
(Crunch)
Oh, I'm so sorry!
I beg your pardon.
(Squeak)
- Ow!
(Boing)
Thank you.
Well, this is jolly nice.
- Sugar?
- What?
- Sugar?
- Oh, yes. Thank you.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I beg your pardon. It slipped.
Sorry.
Oh!
- Mr Philpot?
- Yes.
Would you mind resuming your seat
before you wreck the entire house?
Yes, I'm so sorry.
(Saucer smashes)
- Ah!
I seem to have... done one of your saucers in.
No matter. It's only Crown Derby.
- Oh, that's all right, then.
- Jenny.
Please get Mr Philpot some more tea.
You must think I'm awfully clumsy.
Yes, but we will overlook your more obvious
shortcomings and get down to practical matters.
Regarding the period of courtship...
Yes?
You'll be permitted to see Jenny once a week,
in company of myself, of course,
and other members of the family.
You mean, I wouldn't be able to see her alone?
Oh, I don't think that'd be at all wise.
Jenny has led a very sheltered life
and has had little or no experience of men.
Really?
- I have done it.
- I beg your pardon?
- Put it in.
- Oh!
- The sugar.
- Ah!
And what is your financial status, Mr Philpot?
Excuse me. Actually, I have
a private income of about L#3,000 a year.
Is that all?
Well, it's enough.
Not enough to run a big house of this size.
There's myself, you see,
and other members of the family to provide for.
We don't live extravagantly,
but we do like to live well.
Just a minute. Just a minute.
Just supposing I was mug enough to marry her,
do you really think I'd live here? With this lot?
Naturally.
We have always been and we intend to remain
one big, happy family.
Oh, no, I'm afraid it just wouldn't work out.
They'd never fit in with the way I like to live.
All-night parties. Strip poker. Pot-smoking.
No, I'm afraid not.
I'll say goodbye and thank you for the tea.
Bye.
I like him.
Wedded Bliss Agency.
Let us bring a little happiness into your life.
Oh, hello, Mr Philpot. How was the introduction?
(Garbled speech)
Yes, I'm sorry she wasn't quite
what you were looking for.
I can't vet them all personally.
Inever even saw Miss Grubb.
- Her mother did what?
- (Garbled speech)
Well, yes, yes, and I sympathise, Mr Philpot.
Hang on, hang on a minute, will you?
Maybe I can put you onto something
a little more amenable.
Er...
Oh, yes.
We have Miss Adams here.
Now, there's an absolute cracker for you.
Just the job for you - and she can cook, too.
Yes? Right.
The phone number is 663404271, right?
Not at all, Mr Philpot.
We aim to see that all our clients get satisfaction.
(Blows raspberry)
And you.
Esme Crowfoot. You've got to do something
about that, Sidney.
Sophie, darling, I've been thinking.
Well?
About me fixing it up for that young Muffin fellow
to meet Miss Crowfoot. It's all wrong.
I don't like the sound of this. What are you up to?
Nothing. I phoned her up and cancelled it.
And what happens when he goes down
to the bar to meet her at 7:30?
Oh, I'd forgotten about that. That's a nuisance.
I'll have to go down myself and explain.
Oh, that's a good idea. Yes. I'll come, too.
Why not? Oh, wait a minute. You can't.
We've got that Snooper fellow coming at 8:00.
Oh, well, in that case,
I'll go down and explain to Mr Muffet.
You stay here and see Mr Snooper.
Oh, no, that wouldn't be fair, would it?
I got him into this mess,
it's up to me to get him out of it.
I've got a few calls to make on the way.
I'll be seeing you.
When will you be seeing me?
Sidney Bliss!
I'll fix you, Sidney Bliss.
Oh, hello! Of course I remember you, Mrs Bliss.
Yes, we last met at that wedding
when I guarded the presents.
Yes, it was a pity about that.
No, they never did find the bride again.
Such a nice girl, too.
Well, I rang you, Mr Bedsop,
because I want someone followed.
Mr Bliss, actually.
My husband, yes, that's right.
Oh, well, if you'll describe him for me.
Rotten,
cheating,
lying ba...
No! No, Mrs Bliss,
a physical description, if you please.
Yes. Yes.
The general appearance
of an ancient and dissipated walnut.
And what's more, I can tell you
where he'll be at 7:30 this evening.
At the Parkway Hotel Cocktail Bar.
Right. You leave it to me, Mrs Bliss.
Check. Roger, over and out.
No filming tonight, then, Sally?
No, worst luck. I have to meet a photographer
from the publicity agency here.
Some more pin -ups, eh?
That's it. Sally Martin,
unknown star of stage, screen and television,
pictured in her home, with everything about her
but her clothes.
How do you do? Meeting you is
the most exciting moment of my life, straight up.
(Clears throat)
Excuse me... but I'm from the agency.
Oh, yes. Hello.
Hello.
Well?
Muffet. Bertram Muffet.
Oh. How do you do, Mr Muffet?
Fine, thank you.
It's the most exciting moment of my life
meeting you straight up.
Really?
Oh, well, er, it's nice to meet someone
who knows who I am.
They told me at the agency, you see.
Don't go and spoil it.
I wonder if you would do me a pleasure?
What?
Um, the pleasure of having a meal somewhere.
Oh. Well, it's really very sweet of you,
but it's not really necessary, you know.
Isn't it?
No.
Look, I don't have a lot of time, so let's go
straight back to my place and get down to it, eh?
Some blokes have all the luck.
Excuse me. Have you had a fellow in here
looking for a woman?
We never get any other kind.
Don't mess about. Small, skinny fellow.
- A bit dopey-looking.
- Bertram Muffet?
- He left with Miss Martin.
- Martin?
Sally Martin.
Oh.
She's taken him back to her place...
to get down to it.
Pardon?
- That's what she said.
- Did she?
And I called him a dope!
Well, this is it.
I share with another girl, but you don't have
to worry. She's working this evening.
Ooh, it's very nice. Very nice, indeed.
- Well, anyway, it's better than Regents Park.
- Regents Park?
Yes. That's where I did it last time.
On the bridge over the canal.
- Really?
- Mm.
It was awful. Freezing cold.
And people kept stopping to watch.
I'm not surprised.
I suppose so.
Still, it's annoying.
Now, that's my bedroom, and
through there's the kitchen and the bathroom.
You'll want to go in there, won't you?
Oh, no, thanks. Not just at the moment.
Please yourself.
Only most blokes seem to want one in the bath.
In the bath? Certainly not.
Oh. Well, I've got this big sponge,
you see, and a loofah.
I'm sure you could do something with that.
No, thank you.
OK. OK. You're doing it.
Now, where would you like to start?
Well, really, I'm quite happy in here.
Fine. Well, you get all ready, then,
and I'll go and get out of these clothes.
No, no, no, don't!
I mean, there's no hurry, is there?
- Well, I haven't got all night.
- Well, I don't want all night.
I mean...
Well, you look absolutely lovely as you are.
In this? You must be joking!
No, really. I like it.
Well, it's very sweet of you to say so,
but let's be sensible about this.
I mean, I'm not crazy about stripping off, believe
me, but it's what people want these days.
So, I say, if they want it, let 'em have it.
- Ooh!
- Oi! What do you think you're doing?
Hey, come back here!
And just what are you playing about at?
Everything's all right, Officer.
There's nothing wrong at all.
- I was looking for a man who I was following.
- Really?
- I think you'd better come with me.
- I don't think you understand.
I was following a man.
He went in the cloakroom, so I followed him.
W-W-W-Wh...
(Cackles)
Ooh! If they get any shorter,
they'll have two more cheeks to powder.
Taxi! Taxi!
Rogerham Mansions.
Watch it!
Don't use language like that to me, mate.
You deaf old twit! Go to that address.
Quick as you can.
Come back, you fool! Here!
Taxi!
Follow that cab.
(Mouths)
OK. I'm ready.
Well, you don't have to look so worried.
I'll take this off as soon as you're ready.
Do you like it? It's Orlon.
It looks more like "all off" to me.
Where do you want me?
Well, I really don't mind.
Well, you say, you're the expert.
How about on the bed?
No.
Well, where, then?
Well, I mean,
couldn't we just sit and talk for a bit?
Sit and talk? What about?
Anything. I mean,
I just didn't expect things to happen so quickly.
Just a minute.
Is this the first time you've ever done this?
Yes.
Oh, no. Don't say they've sent me a learner.
But I know what to do.
I mean, I've read books and things.
Oh, well. I suppose everybody's got to start
sometime, haven't they?
So, let's give it a try, eh?
I only bought this outfit this morning.
I hope it shows enough.
Oh, yes, plenty.
Well, if it doesn't, just yell out.
Now, how about lying on the rug to start with?
Throw me a cushion, can you?
That's it.
How's that?
Wonderful.
Well, come on, then. Where is it?
Where's what?
Your camera.
Oh, but I haven't got one.
What? What's that in your case?
Oh, that's my model aeroplanes.
Your what?
Model aeroplanes.
I thought you'd like to see them.
Why would I want to see
your model aeroplanes?
Well, they told me at the agency that you make
Christmas decorations out of milk bottle tops.
- That's what I make these with.
- Christmas decorations out of milk bottle tops?
Right. I've never done that. It must be fun.
Oh, yes, yes. It's really great fun.
You really must try it.
But just who at the agency
told you all this about me?
The chap who runs it. Mr Bliss. This one.
The Wedded Bliss Agency.
This is to introduce Mr Bertram Muffin.
- Yes, it should be Muffet.
- You're not a photographer?
Oh, dear me, no. I'm an undertaker's assistant.
An undertaker's... Oh!
Oh, look, I'm terribly sorry, Mr Muffin...
- Muffet.
- But there's been a mistake.
I think you've met the wrong person.
- You are Miss Crowfoot, aren't you?
- No.
You see, I was going to meet a man
from the photo agency,
and when you said you were from the agency,
I naturally thought that it was you.
Oh. Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
But when I saw you, I thought...
Oh, what an idiot I've been. Excuse me.
You don't have to go. It wasn't your fault.
- I'm terribly sorry.
- Wait a minute!
(Laughs)
All right?
Well, that's it. Can't go any further.
Not without getting arrested.
You! I said I never wanted to see you again.
Help me! Help me!
What's happened to you? You're all wet.
I'm sorry, I didn't know anybody else
I could turn to.
What have you been doing? Come on inside.
Thank you. Thank you.
You're soaking. What have you been doing?
I couldn't help it. I just couldn't face
going through life any more without you.
What do you mean?
I tried to drown myself.
Where? What in?
The canal.
Canal? What canal?
What does it matter what canal?
They've all got water, haven't they?
Well, that was a silly thing to do.
Those canals are filthy dirty.
Who cares about that
when you're going to drown?
Why didn't you drown?
I forgot I could swim.
Come on. Get those wet things off
before you catch your death.
Fancy! No-one's ever tried to do away
with themselves because of me before.
- I'm flattered.
- You should be. This suit cost me 30 quid.
I didn't really mean it, Sidney, you know,
about not wanting to see you again.
Thank you.
I don't want much, just to worship at your feet.
I've got better bits.
I'll put this by the fire.
Have you wet your trousers?
Eh? Oh!
Oh, yes. Well, I mean,
I went in feet first, didn't I? And my shirt.
Then, we'd better have it off, hadn't we?
You took the thought right out of my mind.
(Doorbell chimes Here Comes The Bride)
- Mr Snooper, is it?
- That is correct.
Oh, do come in. I'm sorry Mr Bliss can't be here.
I'm Mrs Bliss. Do sit down.
- Oh, thank you.
- That's it.
You don't mind discussing your problems
with a woman, I hope?
Oh, no, not at all.
My mother was a woman, you know.
Really?
I hope you don't mind my coming so late, but
I wanted to wait till everyone had gone home,
and the streets were clear.
I wouldn't like to be seen coming here,
you understand?
Oh, you don't have to be embarrassed
coming to a marriage bureau, Mr Snooper.
The mating instinct is in all of us.
Everybody's doing it these days.
I know! I have to spend half my time
listening to how they do it.
I beg your pardon?
I am a marriage guidance counsellor, Mrs Bliss,
and my superior feels it would be advantageous
if I were married.
Oh, I understand.
Though, I must confess, I find it difficult
to believe that anyone as... cultured
and distinguished-looking as yourself
would have any difficulty in finding a wife.
That is very true, of course,
and up till now, I've had no need for one.
Miss Dempsey, my housekeeper,
caters for my every need...
about the house, of course.
Cooking, cleaning and scrubbing.
She does all the scrubbing.
So, what you really want is a wife
who can satisfy your superior.
Good gracious, no! He has his own wife.
Yes, of course.
Well, I'm quite sure that
we'll find someone suitable for you.
A woman with charm and intelligence who can
grace your table and run your house efficiently.
- Yes. And bring me a cup of tea in bed.
- Oh, of course.
I always fancy it in the mornings, you know.
Really?
Oh, yes. Gets the system going.
I am a man of regular habits.
Once a week, I dine at my club.
Once a week, I play squash.
Once a week, bridge, and so on.
Everything in moderation.
Yes, of course. Well, I think
once a week is enough for anything, don't you?
Precisely.
Well, I'm sure that
we'll be able to find someone suitable.
And being a virile man,
of course you would like to have a child.
Oh, no! A fully-grown woman, I think.
Excuse me, I'd like to use the phone, if I may.
I'm awfully sorry to disturb you,
but this is important.
Oh. Oh, I'm awfully sorry to trouble you,
but would you have a sixpence
for two threepenny bits, please?
By any chance?
Oh. Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you.
Well, here's your receipt, Mr Snooper,
and we'll be getting in touch with you very soon
regarding an introduction.
Thank you very much. And I must let you
get home now. You're looking rather tired.
Well, it is a long day
and Mr Bliss and I are always at it.
Well, as long as it's not through overwork.
(Phone rings)
Wedded Bliss Agency. Mrs Bliss.
Ah, Mr Muffet.
Oh, hello. Mrs Bliss,
I'm afraid there's been a bit of a mix-up.
I seem to have met the wrong girl. Yes.
Um, no, I got the right place and time,
but there was this girl who thought
I was someone else and I thought it was her.
And we didn't find out her mistake... I mean,
my mistake, until she got most of her clothes off.
But I don't understand this, Mr Muffet.
Didn't Mr Bliss meet you at the bar?
No? Are you sure?
I see.
Oh, yes, I think I know what he's doing,
Mr Muffet.
Look, you still want to meet Miss Crowfoot,
I take it?
Good.
Why don't you go to her flat?
Yes. I'll give you the address.
Um, Rogerham Mansions, yes. Dunham Road.
Right. Yes, and thank you.
Yes, thank you, Mrs Bliss. Goodbye.
Esme! Esme!
- Are you feeling better now?
- No.
But I might if I didn't have to
keep looking at that thing.
Oh, don't you think he's rather gorgeous?
- Gorgeous?!
- That's Gripper.
Griper would be more like it.
Gripper Burke. He's a wrestler.
Get away! I thought it was a ballet dancer.
Well, he and I had quite a thing once.
I don't know what it was,
but he had quite a hold on me.
Probably the Indian death lock.
Then he had to go to America
and I haven't heard from him since.
Obviously the same as me,
all-out for a submission.
Now, don't start that nonsense all over again.
Nonsense? Haven't you heard?
That's what makes the world go round.
I've done my share of keeping it going
in the past, now I'll let someone else have a go.
- Me, for instance. Come here!
- No, Sidney, don't!
Sidney, you mustn't! Not in your condition.
- Right now I couldn't be in a better condition.
- No, Sidney.
Oh, come on, darling.
I'm not just on the make - I really fancy you.
No!
Oh, blimey, why not?
Because I am keeping myself.
- That's all right. I don't want to keep you.
- I mean, for the man I marry.
- You're making a big mistake.
- Why?
- It's like a car, isn't it?
- What is?
You lay it up for a few years,
suddenly you want to use it and it's rusted up.
True.
But if it has a regular service... no trouble.
- Look, it's not that I don't want to, Sid, but...
- Yes?
(Doorbell rings)
- Who can that be?
- Never mind. Don't answer it.
- I have to. It might be business.
- What do you think this is?
I'll get rid of them as quick as I can.
(Doorbell rings)
Pussycat!
Gripper! Oh!
Oh! W-W-When did you get back?
Just now. I had enough of it over there.
Besides, I missed you too much.
I'm sure you did, Gripper.
Oh, put me down, please, you're hurting me.
- Eh?
- You're... Oh! Oh!
Oh... There.
Nobody can say Gripper Burke don't fight fair.
No, no, no!
Oh, Esme, darling,
I can't wait to get started with you again.
I'm sure you can't, but not tonight, please.
What? You haven't found somebody else,
have you? Because you promised.
- Oh, no, of course not, no.
- Oh, well, that's all right, then.
- Seconds out. Second round. Doing!
- No, Gripper, please, no!
Hey!
No, Gripper. No, Gripper, please!
No, no, Gripper!
No! No!
Gotcha!
My favourite hold, remember?
It used to make you turn to jelly.
Yes, but I don't really feel like
turning to jelly tonight, Gripper.
- That's all right. We've got all night.
- No, dear. I really am awfully tired.
Oh, all right, then.
There. That's better.
'Ere, let me tell you about my last fight
in the States.
Man Mountain Dawson they call him.
Man Mountain?! More like Ant Heap, he was!
He couldn't have wrestled with
his bloomin' conscience!
Anyway, in the first round, he comes out
roaring and bellowing like some animal...
- It sounds fascinating, Gripper, go on.
- 'Ere, those are men's clothes.
- You've got a bloke here!
- No, of course not, Gripper.
Where is he? I'll kill him! I'll tear him apart!
See? I told you there was no-one here.
- Do you think I'm daft or something?
- Yes.
- Eh?
- No, no, no. I mean, no.
Tell me, then.
What were those clothes doing here?
I was just drying them off for someone.
Yeah? Well, he'd better not come back
while I'm here, or he'll find me waiting for him.
(Thunderclap)
Oh, no!
Honest, Gripper, I haven't seen any other men
since you went away.
- Honest?
- Yes, really.
(Doorbell rings)
Good evening.
This is Miss Crowfoot's flat, isn't it?
Yeah. What about it?
Well, they said if I was to come here,
it would be all right.
Oh, they did, did they?
Yes, Mr Bliss said that
she'd be just what I was looking for.
Oh.
- Well, you'd better come in, hadn't you?
- Thank you.
Hello. I'm from the agency.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You're from the agency, did you say?
Yes, that's right. Muffet's the name.
Bertram Muffet.
- Gripper! What are you doing?
- I'll kill him!
Aaaah!
Good night, Esme.
Hello, is that the Wedded Bliss Agency?
Good. I was trying to trace a Mr Bertram Muffet.
A client of yours, I believe.
Yes.
What?
What's he doing in a hospital?
What?
Look, darling, I love you, I adore you
and you're my very favourite model,
- but not for this particular job.
- Why not?
No bristols. You're flat-chested.
Adrian, please!
- What do you mean, flat-chested?
- Well...
Sally, did you hear him? Am I flat-chested?
Am I, now?
I don't know. Turn around and let's have a look.
Oh, ha-ha!
You've never worried about it before.
Look, I have told you, for this particular job,
they want watermelons.
All right. Go and find someone else. I don't care.
I wish I could.
That's why I asked you if you knew somebody.
You think I'd tell you?
Find your own watermelons!
Look, darling, I love you, but if I can't find
any watermelons, I'm out of business.
Hello. Are you still there?
I'm sorry. I was interrupted.
Could you tell me which hospital he's in?
Oh, thanks.
Thanks a lot.
(Doorbell rings)
Oh, excuse me, but I saw an advert
for someone to share a flat.
Oh, yes. Come in.
Thank you.
There's two of us here at the moment,
but we could use a third.
It'll be about L#5 a week each. All right?
Oh, yes. At least it will be
as soon as I can get another job.
Oh, what do you do, then?
Well, I was a stuffer.
I beg your pardon?
Oh. For sausage meat.
In a sausage factory.
Oh, yes.
You know, putting it in.
Why did you give it up?
Well, it wasn't a very interesting job.
Besides, I wanted to get away from home.
I'm sure you'll find something else.
Would you like to see round the flat?
I've got to go.
If I don't find a girl, I'll lose this job.
I wish I were dead.
- Er, this is Adrian.
- Oh, how do you do?
Darling girl, where did you come from? Heaven?
No. Fulham.
Hm?
Fulham. Wonderful, beautiful Fulham.
What does he mean?
Oh, darling, let me rest my mince pies.
Phwoar, they are... great!
- Knockout.
- What?
They are all yours, I take it?
Oh, don't be a fool, Adrian.
Oh, yeah, of course. They must be.
All right, darling. Get your gear off.
What?
Your clothes. I want to have a butcher's at you.
Who do you think I am?
Adrian, for heaven's sake, stop!
She isn't a model, you know.
Really? Well, what do you do, then, darling?
I shouldn't tell him that if I was you.
As a matter of fact,
she's not working at anything at the moment.
Oh?
Well, you are now, my darling. Phwoar!
'Ere, I never quite gathered, mate,
but what's supposed to be wrong with you?
Me?
Oh, nothing at all. Why?
There must be something wrong.
No, I'm fine.
He's over there.
Oh, thanks. I promise I'll only be a few minutes.
Oh!
Oh, I say, I'm awfully sorry. I didn't see you...
Gosh! You!
Yes.
Well, nobody can accuse us
of having dull meetings, can they?
But how did you get here?
Well, you left your card that night
and they told me where you were.
Oh, I see.
Oh. Excuse me.
I came because I wanted to apologise
for what happened in the flat that night.
You? But I'm the one who should apologise.
I behaved like an absolute clot.
No, it was really all my fault.
If I'd known who you were...
Oh, nonsense.
Anyway, nothing did happen, did it?
No. But what must you have thought of me,
taking all my clothes off like that!
Well, I can tell you now, I did feel a bit shaky.
Especially when you asked me
where I wanted you.
And you should have seen your face when I laid
down on the rug and told you to get on with it!
And I turned and bolted!
Well, er...
I just wanted to say sorry.
I'll have to go now.
Oh, no, look, wait. Look, I get out of here
tomorrow. Could I see you again?
Well, if you really want to.
Oh, rather! I'd like to see a lot more of you.
Oh, well, there isn't much
you haven't already seen.
No, I don't mean that.
No, I know.
Well, if you'd like to give me a call sometime...
- Yes, soon as I get out.
- Fine.
Bye for now, then.
- Oh.
- Yes?
Um, don't think I'm being nosy,
but there is one thing I just have to know.
I haven't got a girl, if that's it.
No, but do you really make model aeroplanes
out of milk bottle tops?
Yes.
Oh. Good.
Well, I'll start saving mine for you, then.
Bye.
Aeroplanes out of milk bottle tops?
Look, mate, I couldn't help hearing,
but is it really right, all that stuff?
What?
Well, you know, her stripping off
and laying on the rug and that?
Oh, yes.
- And you turned and ran?
- Yes.
Blimey! And you say
there's nothing wrong with you!
And the next, please.
Why, Mrs Bliss! What a pleasant surprise.
Do come in. Sit down.
Thank you.
Well, what brings you here
and what can I do for you?
Not a marital problem, I trust? (Laughs)
Well, hardly, Mr Snooper.
You see, I'm not married.
Yes, well, of course, that would be...
What?
You mean, you and Mr Bliss are living in sin?
Well, not that either, unfortunately.
I don't understand.
For business reasons, he thought it would be
better if we appeared to be husband and wife.
Of course, we always had an understanding
that one day we would marry.
At least, I had an understanding.
How long has this been going on?
- Ten years.
- Oh, how terrible!
Oh, my dear Mrs Bliss.
Miss Plummet, actually.
Miss Plummet, oh.
How nice.
And you would like me to talk to Mr Bliss?
Oh, no. I'd never marry him now.
No, really, I came to talk about us...
About us?
Yes, you see, I've been studying your case
very carefully, Mr Snooper.
And frankly, I feel that I am the only one
who comes anywhere near
satisfying your requirements for a wife.
Oh, well, I don't know about that. I'd have to...
Oh, please, listen to me, Mr Snooper.
I'm sure you'll agree that
I'm not one of your flighty young women.
Oh, no. No, not at all.
So, as far as sex is concerned,
I'd like to make my position quite clear.
- Yes, well, the position is half the battle, isn't it?
- Yes.
As your wife, I would run your home efficiently,
I would preside over your table gracefully,
and await any further demands... hopefully.
Well, that is a most generous offer,
Miss Plummet.
I promise you, Mr Snooper,
you'll find me generous in all things.
Yes, well, I'd like a little time to think about it,
of course, you understand.
Of course.
I've been a bachelor for so long,
I can't help wondering
whether I'd be very satisfying as a husband.
- You know...
- I know.
On the other hand, with you, I can't help
feeling there's a chance it might work.
Well, don't worry.
If it didn't, we could always adopt a child.
What do you mean,
you're not coming into the office any more?
But, Sophie, I need you here.
What? Oh, that's nice, after all I've done for you.
Now, listen. So...
Sophie.
What's the matter with her? What have I done?
Mr Philpot, what can I do for you?
You can give me my money back.
Every ruddy penny.
- Why? What's up?
- What's up?!
First of all, you sent me to see a girl
called Jenny Grubb. How about that?
Yeah, how about that? I never tried it.
A mouse. I've got more sex in my little finger.
If that weren't bad enough,
you put me onto that Miss Adams.
"An absolute cracker," you said.
That's true. I vetted her personally.
- "A good cook," you said.
- Yes, that's right.
She had something cooking... in the oven.
In the oven?
Yeah, by my reckoning, for about five months -
at regulo ten.
Oh, my gawd!
It's all right. I'm in the clear.
- You won't be if I don't get my money back.
- Wait a minute. Mistakes can happen.
I'll tell you what, I've got another one
here for you. Her name's Esme Crowfoot...
No. You know what you can do with
Esme Crowfoot.
I don't, but if you'd care to find out...
Give me back my money,
or I'm going to the police.
They'll never find you anything any good.
Fraud! That's what it is.
Obtaining money under false pretences.
Steady on. Why don't you just
come and sit down...
(Doorbell chimes Here Comes The Bride)
- Excuse me. Come in!
Just give me my money back...
Oh! Excuse me.
Am I interrupting?
Not at all, miss. Can I help you?
I just popped in to say that
you could take my name off your list.
You? You're on our books?
Don't you remember me?
- No.
- Jenny.
- Jenny Grubb.
- 'Ere, Jenny Grubb?
I came round to your place for tea
the other week.
Yes, and you weren't very impressed, were you?
No... Yes, yes!
It's just that you were dressed
rather differently then.
My parents believe in covering me up.
- They're an old-fashioned pair, you know.
- Nonsense. They're a beautifully-fashioned pair.
Just hang on a minute,
Mr Philpot, it's my client, if you don't mind.
You want to come off our list.
Does that mean you're fixed up with someone?
Well, no, no-one special.
It's just that I've got a job.
I'm a model. And a new flat to live in,
so I thought I'd have a bit of fun.
You couldn't have come at a better time.
Let's go in the other office and talk.
Oh, no, I can't do that.
I've got a modelling job in half an hour.
It's for a new kind of body stocking
and I can't get out of it.
- Come in here, I'll get you out of it.
- No, I must go.
Here, I've got the old jam jar outside.
Let me give you a lift.
Oh, that's very kind of you. Thank you.
Come on, then.
You've forgotten something.
You wanted your money back.
Me? What would I want my money back for?
You've done a splendid job here.
Have I?
Splendid.
Grubb. Jenny Grubb.
Let's have a look at this.
Miss Jenny Grubb. Age: 24 years.
Hair: brownish. Eyes: didn't notice.
Height: 5' 6". Never had any.
Eh? Oh, hobbies.
Yeah, well, that'll soon be changed.
Well, this is it.
- All right?
- Mm. Sexy.
Ooh, you! You'd say a lumber room was sexy.
Only if I was rummaging through
your odds and ends.
Have you got in here again?
(Jenny claps her hands)
- Come on out.
(Meows)
Oh, it's the porter's, darned thing.
It's always sneaking in here.
Shoo, Cooking Fat, shoo!
(Jenny claps)
- Cooking Fat?
- Yes.
They can't call it that, surely?
Well, that's what it sounds like.
Come and get comfy.
Here, are you sure
your flatmates won't be back?
No, not until after 11.
- God, I really fancy you, Jenny.
- And I liked you the first time I met you.
Oh, let me get at you.
(Crunch)
- Oh, what the hell am I sitting on?
Urgh!
They're not yours, surely?
No, they're Gaye's. She really is a flat mate.
Come here, you little raver.
Oh, steady on. There's plenty of time.
And plenty of inclination.
Mm.
- Oh, Terry, stop it.
- Hm?
- What are you doing?
- I'm looking for the zip.
- You've got a sauce.
- Well, where is the darned thing?
As if I'd tell you, anyway!
- It's on the other side.
- Ah.
- That's better.
- Ooh!
- What's the matter?
- You've got cold hands.
- Oh, Jenny...
- Oh, Terry...
(Zipper)
Oh, sorry, Jenny, I didn't know you were here.
I didn't know you were here.
Sally, this is my night. Wednesday.
I know. It's all right. I'm going out.
As soon as I find my blue sweater, anyway.
Have you had it?
Not yet.
No, I have not had your blue sweater,
and if you must go on looking for it in here,
will you put something on?
Oh, sorry.
But I've got to find it.
Oh, I know. I bet Gaye's had it again.
Do you want me to close the door?
Yes, please.
Oh, Terry, I'm so sorry.
Not at all. It's a good job
she wasn't looking for her pants... or was it?
- Oh, Terry...
- Oh, Jenny...
(Zipper)
I found it.
(Zipper)
- Hooray!
Ooh, sorry. I won't bother you any more.
Do you want me to close the door?
BOTH: Yes!
Oh, Terry, I'm so sorry.
Don't mention it. Don't mention it.
You are sweet.
- Oh, Jenny...
- Oh, Terry...
(Zipper)
- Oh, blimey!
(Zipper)
Men! I've had them up to here.
Oh, no.
Gaye, what are you doing here?
It is my flat, isn't it?
Yes, but it's Wednesday. My night.
Oh, I'm sorry, but I've had another flaming row
with Adrian and I couldn't stand him any longer.
Gaye, I've got a friend here.
Oh, well, you don't have to worry.
I'm going to bed.
I'm glad this is your night.
I'd hate to be here when it wasn't.
- Oh, Terry...
- Oh, Jenny...
Give me a number between one and ten.
Seven.
You lose. Get your clothes off.
(Zipper)
(Doorbell rings)
(Zipper)
If that's Bertie,
tell him I won't be a minute, will you?
- Do it yourself, I'm busy.
(Zipper)
(Doorbell rings)
If that's Adrian, tell him to go to hell!
(Doorbell rings)
- Oh, I could scream!
(Zipper)
Ow!
(Persistent doorbell)
All right. Where is she? Where is that cow?
Gaye's in her room
and she doesn't want to see you.
- Well, I want to see her.
- I'm trying to entertain!
Oh. How do you do?
Hello.
- Open up, there! I want to talk to you!
- Adrian!
I'll break the door down!
- Adrian!
- What?
That is a cupboard!
Oh.
Sorry.
Open up. I want to talk to you.
Well, I don't want to talk to you.
- I'll stay here all night if I have to.
- I had a nasty feeling he was going to say that.
Well? What have you got to say?
Darling, you know I can't exist without you.
You seem to be able to exist with all those
other models you keep messing about with.
Oh, they mean nothing to me! You know that.
Oh, Terry!
(Doorbell rings)
Oh, good. Company.
Oh, I'm fed up with this!
I might as well be back home.
- Yes?
- Oh, hello, Jenny. Is Sally ready?
No. But do come in.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, hello.
Oh, I'm sorry if I'm barging in.
Do go on with what you were doing.
Chance'd be a fine thing!
Quite a nice evening.
Charming.
I thought it would rain earlier.
- Really?
- Yes.
Anyway, we'll probably get it tonight.
We'll be bloody lucky if we do, mate.
(Door opens)
Hello, Bertie. Sorry to have kept you waiting.
Oh, that's all right.
Well? What are we going to do, then?
Well, if you'd like to stop in and make
some aeroplanes, I've brought some tops.
Er, no, I don't think that would
be a very good idea. Not tonight, Bertie.
All right. If that's the way it's to be,
I shall kill myself!
- I will. I mean it.
- Oh, no. No, Adrian, don't! Don't!
- Not in here.
- I shall shoot myself.
Go on. Shoot the lot,
then maybe we'll get some peace.
- Goodbye.
- Oh, stop him, somebody!
Oh, take cover!
Boo!
Aren't you getting tired of following me about?
Excuse, gentle sir.
Me no spoking very good the English.
Oh, gawd! A Bombay Bond!
Ha-ha! Fooled him that time.
15:02.
Suspect left Cock Inn,
Saloon Bar, and proceeded back to office.
- Sophie, you're back!
- Only to clear my desk.
Come on. Surely you're not still suspicious
of Esme Crowfoot and me?
Ino longer care where you go,
or what you do, or to whom.
Oh, don't be like that. How about dinner tonight?
Just like old times?
You mean, like old time? And I paid the bill.
All right. So it's my turn tonight.
No, thank you. Anyway,
I'm having dinner with Mr Snooper at his home.
- Alone?
- Certainly.
I hope you've got your tin drawers on.
- (Laughs)
- Mr Snooper and I are to be married.
Have you gone raving mad?
You don't know anything about the bloke.
- He's a gentleman.
- I knew there was something wrong with him.
Well, have you any alternative suggestions
as to my future?
- Yes, of course I have.
- Well?
Stay here with me.
It's been all right the last ten years.
- Goodbye, Sidney.
- Wait a minute, Sophie. Don't leave me like that.
I'll be lost without you. So will the business.
Ineed a woman. You know that.
Then I suggest you put the details on the
appropriate card, and stick it in your computer!
All right, go, then!
See if I care.
Marvellous. Give a woman the best years
of your life and look what happens.
Mr bleedin' Snooper...
Snooper. What's he got, anyway?
Snooper, Percival.
Percival! Cor blimey, there's a good start!
Age 43, handsome,
well-mannered, sexually backward.
That's him all right.
He doesn't know whether he's coming or going.
Hobbies: reading, walking, playing bridge,
and poking...
around antique shops.
45 Bolstrode Avenue.
Occupation: marriage guidance counsellor.
Fancy! Well, I think it's time
I did a bit of marriage guiding myself.
Hello, Esme.
Sidney? You've got a nerve ringing me.
I was wondering if you could
do me a small favour, darling?
No, not that. Could you meet me tonight?
I can't. You know how jealous Gripper gets.
Even more so now we're engaged.
Engaged? Congratulations.
You know I wouldn't bother you
unless it was desperate. Go on, please.
Well, all right,
but as long as you promise to behave.
That's a good girl. Meet me outside
the Parkway Hotel, eight o'clock. Right?
And wear your sexiest see-through.
Whatever for?
Well, just because I can't touch,
doesn't mean I can't look, does it? Eh?
All right. See you then. Ta-ta.
(Blows raspberry)
(Doorbell rings)
It's all right, Miss Dempsey. I'll go.
This is the lady I was expecting.
Very good, sir.
Ah, Miss Plummet!
How nice to see you. Do come in.
This is Miss Dempsey,
my faithful, old housekeeper.
Oh, I'm so pleased to meet you, Miss Dempsey.
Mr Snooper has told me
how well you look after him.
I've always done my best, I'm sure.
Oh, a treasure. I'd be lost without her.
Oh, well, I hope you'll stay on
after Percival and I are married,
Miss Dempsey.
Married? Oh!
What on earth's the matter with her?
- Oh, surely you know? She's in love with you.
- In love, with me?
Of course. You must have felt it on occasions?
Certainly not. No. I've never laid a finger on her.
Would you care for a glass of sherry?
Throw me aside like an old, worn -out slipper,
after all the years I've slaved for him.
If I can't have him, nobody else is,
if I can prevent it.
Ah! Ah, I always knew
it would come in useful one day.
Ha-ha!
It's a delightful house, Percival.
I shall be very happy here.
Good. I think you'll like
the first-floor front as your bedroom.
You mean, we won't be sleeping together, then?
Oh, good gracious, no, my dear. Why on earth
should we with a house as large as this?
Yes, but I think it's a wife's duty
to be close to her husband
for the warmth and comfort it brings.
Oh, you don't want to worry about that.
I've got the electric blanket.
Oh. How nice.
Besides, sharing a bed together, we might be
tempted to indulge in carnal pursuits.
Oh, rather. Yes.
And we don't want any of that nonsense, do we?
Well, you're very strong-willed, obviously,
but it's a temptation
I would find very hard to avoid.
Nonsense, my dear! Do as I do.
Plenty of exercise, cold baths every morning
and a good dose of salts at night.
Cheers!
Cheers.
Hang on a minute,
I've just got to make a quick call. Pay the cab.
(Phone rings)
Hello. Basher Street Gym here.
Ah!
Hold on. Gripper!
- It's for you.
- Oh. Excuse me.
Pleasure.
Hello. Gripper Burke here.
This is a friend.
I just thought you ought to know,
an oversexed nut by the name of Snooper
has just lured your fiancee into his house.
What?! Where?
Bolstrode Avenue, 45.
And if I was you, I'd get my skates on quick.
I think you'll find this wine amusing.
(Knock on door)
- That'll be Miss Dempsey with the main course.
She always does something special. Come in!
Miss Dempsey!
Miss Dempsey!
Yes, what is it, love? I mean, sir.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
I'll have mine in the kitchen,
so you two can be alone. It's only fair.
What do you mean?
You always eat in the kitchen.
Oh, yes, that's right. I always eat in the kitchen.
Sorry, love.
Well, I'll be leaving you now, then.
Oh, um, will you want your electric blanket
switched on tonight?
Of course I will. Why shouldn't I?
Well, we don't always like it, do we?
I mean, do you! What have I said?
Miss Dempsey, what are you talking about?
I'm sorry, I wouldn't like you to get any ideas
about me and Percy.
I mean, Mr Snooper.
He's always behaved like the perfect gent
with me, except when we, er...
Well, you know.
I'm sure he has.
What are you saying?
I've always been good to you, haven't I?
Oh, you have, love. I mean, sir.
He has, too. More than good.
Always gives me a little present afterwards.
After I've done something
especially nice for him.
Miss Dempsey!
- Please!
- I'd better go, before I say something I shouldn't.
The woman's demented.
Sophia, surely you can't believe
there's anything in what she said.
Well, I realise Miss Dempsey may be upset
by the announcement of our marriage.
On the other hand, there's no smoke without fire.
And you can't have a fire
without it being properly laid.
I mean...
- That should be about right.
- What should?
Never mind. You know what you've got to do.
Lay it on good and thick.
Oh, Sid, I can't do it!
Is there a better way to show Sophie
you're not interested in me?
Very well, but don't blame me for what happens.
That's a good girl. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Very well. I'm willing to accept that there has
been nothing between you and Miss Dempsey.
She'll have to go, of course.
Go? But she's been here for years.
She has security and comfort here.
She'd never get it anywhere else.
Well, she's not getting it here any more.
It's your choice, Percival. Her or me.
Oh, very well, then.
Oh, that's settled, then.
(Knock at door)
- Come in.
There's a woman here to see you.
A woman? What woman?
"Just tell him Pussycat," she said,
"and he'll know who you mean."
Pussycat? I don't know any Pussycats.
You'd better tell her.
She's waiting in the drawing room.
Oh, I don't understand.
She must have got the wrong house.
Um, excuse me.
- Madam, I think there's been some mistake.
- Oh, Percival!
I'm sorry, my darling, I just had to come.
I can't bear it any longer without you.
Madam, please try to control yourself.
How can you ask me to control myself
after all we've been to one another?
You who've never shown any control
where I'm concerned.
- What?
- I need you, Percival!
The nights have been, oh, so empty!
I don't care how hard you beat me,
as long as you love me occasionally.
Oh, madam, please keep your voice down!
You can be heard halfway through the house.
Look here, I don't know who you are,
or what you want...
Oh! What are you doing?
I want you to take me.
I'm yours. You know it. Take me.
But I don't want you! Stop it! Stop it at once!
No, you've found someone else!
I know it. I can feel it!
- Well, stop feeling it.
- Oh!
Oh, Percival, how could you desert me like this?
What's to become of me and the baby?
The baby? What baby? I don't know any babies.
I won't give you up, you hear?
I won't! You're mine!
- You'll always be mine.
- Help, Miss Dempsey! Help, Miss Dempsey!
Ah!
Oh, no!
You! Esme Crowfoot!
You filthy, depraved beast!
No, Sophia, please, come back!
No, you don't need her, my darling,
you've got me!
Get off!
Get off me! You've no right.
Bingo!
Where is she? Where is she?
If you mean Pussycat, in there.
Ah, Gripper!
- What are you?
- You lousy swine. I'll kill you!
- What are you doing? You're all mad!
- I'm mad, all right.
Take your hands off him, you great bully, you!
Ow!
Why, Miss Dempsey!
Oh, ta!
(Laughs)
Sophie, what happened?
Did you forget something?
No, I was just thinking about what you were
saying yesterday and, of course, you're right.
You can't run the business without me.
- I thought you were getting married?
- No.
Oh, oh.
Well, I'm very glad to hear it.
Fancy that, eh? The old firm back in business.
I think we ought to celebrate.
I'll nip down to the off-licence and get something.
Oh.
Lend us a couple...
Thank you.
- Oh!
- Hello.
Mr Bedsop!
What are you doing here?
Well, actually, I thought it was time
I gave you a report on Mr Bliss.
Oh, you're not still following him?
Oh, I am sorry, I should have told you to stop.
Well, I think you'll find it's all been worthwhile.
Particularly when you hear
whom he was with last night.
Oh, I'm sure it...
- Last night?
- Oh, yes.
He met a Miss Esme Crowfoot.
Really? Do go on, Mr Bedsop.
Sophie! Come and get it.
Here, look. How about that? Champers.
- Oh, very nice. May I crack it?
- Yes, go on, go ahead.
Thank you.
What did you go and do that for?
You wretch! You rotten swine!
Don't think I don't know you sent that poor
wretched woman into Mr Snooper's last night.
Well... Well, what if I did?
- I only did it cos I don't want to lose you.
- You've lost me now, for good.
No, wait, wait. I want to marry you.
You want to what?
Marry you. Well, I mean, that is, in time.
I don't want to rush you into anything.
All right. All right. Next week, then.
You heard that, Mr Bedsop?
I've got it down.
You won't regret it, Sid, I promise you.
I know that, darling.
I'll tell you what, why don't we have a booze-up
and invite all the couples
we've brought together?
- Careful, that's going to cost money.
- So what?
I know a fellow in catering and if we charge them
a guinea a head, we might make a few bob.
Oh, I love you!
# DVORAK: Humoresque
(Knocks on table)
Ladies and gents, I realise that our marriage
has come as a bit of a shock to you all,
but I'd like you to know that we are delighted
to have you share this great day with us,
you happy couples that
we've had the pleasure of bringing together.
Just to look around this room and see
so many contented, ideally-matched couples
is reward in itself for the trouble
we have been to on your behalf.
You, like Sophie and me, have been dead lucky,
because you've had the benefit of
our expert knowledge and scientific advice.
So, I am not asking you only to drink to our
health and happiness, but to your own. Cheers.
# For He's A Jolly Good Fellow
(Tune trails off)
(Clears throat)
- 'Ere, that's it!
- What are you on about now?
That suit he's wearing.
That was the one
that was drying in your flat that night.
Stop it, Gripper, don't make a scene.
So, it was you. I'll bloomin' well kill you!
What are you talking about? He's gone potty.
Don't pay any attention to him, Sophie.
I'll deal with you later!
Oh, you will, will you?
Don't you laugh at him, you little squirt!
How dare you, you old bag!
- Ow!
- (Laughs)
# Strauss waltz
(Laughs)
Keep 'em coming.
GRIPPER: I'll tear you apart!
Bye-bye, my old lad,
and thanks for a smashing weekend.
Wonderful company, lovely food
and your wife makes love magnificently!
(Train horn)
Excuse me, sir, but did I hear you correctly?
What's that, old chap?
You've been a guest in that gentleman's house
for the weekend
and you tell him to his face
that his wife makes love magnificently?
Yes, that's right.
Do you think that's quite correct?
Well, no. Not exactly, no.
But he's such a nice chap,
I wouldn't like to say anything to offend him.
I say, that was rather thoughtful of you.
(Conductor whistles tune)
- Fare?
- Oh, very fair, I'd say.
Come on, come on. I ain't got all day.
Oh, um, Guildhall, please.
Fares, please. Any more fares, please?
Fares, please.
Going all the way?
Why don't you go down front, sir?
You'll see better.
Don't lie to me, Sidney Bliss. You were with
that woman Esme Crowfoot all evening.
I keep telling you, I only popped in for a bit.
Half an hour, that's all. That's not long.
That's long enough for you.
What've you been doing? Holding a stopwatch?
What were you doing going to her flat, anyway?
She's one of our clients, isn't she?
I have to vet 'em, don't I?
Oh, "vet"! Is that the new word for it?
I can't fix 'em up with the right partners
until I find out what they do and how... they live.
Like the young widow at the tobacconist?
You must have "vetted" her at least 50 times!
Oh, God,
I only keep going in there for my shag!
Look, it's my job to find out
what the female clients do.
You should look after the men.
Don't be stupid. I know what they do.
Oh, don't try and joke your way out of it.
What would you say if I started vetting
all the male clients?
- I'd say, "Gawd help 'em."
- You rotten beast!
- I've had enough!
- Sophie, it hurts!
- Cut it out!
- I've had enough of you!
It's every night!
Sophie, it hurts.
Have you gone raving mad?
(Doorbell chimes Here Comes The Bride)
Come in.
Oh! Oh, I beg your pardon.
That's all right, sir. We're not ashamed of
being in love, are we, sweetheart?
- No, dear.
- What can we do for you, sir?
Er, well, it's about your advert.
I was looking for a wife.
And you couldn't have come to a better place.
Could he, my little baby?
No, indeed.
Well, it looks as if I shall have to leave you
for a little while, darling.
Business before pleasure, my dove.
You'll excuse us, won't you?
See you soon, sugar puff.
I'll be counting the moments
till I can get at you again.
It's amazing. Ten years we've been married.
You'd never believe it.
Oh, wonderful. I wouldn't mind a wife like that.
Like that?
No, we'll find you something better than...
We'll find you something more suited to you.
Won't you sit down, Mr?
Oh, Muffet. Bertram Muffet.
Muffin. Well, we'll have to find you
a crumpet to go with that, won't we?
- I beg your pardon?
- Never mind. Now, then, Mr Muffin...
- Er, Muffet.
- Muffet, yes.
Our charges, and very reasonable they are too,
are two guineas registration,
two for the introduction and two when you click.
- Click?
- Get married.
If you click without getting married,
it's four guineas.
Oh, yes, that's fine.
Bertram Muffin.
Muffet.
That's it, yes. We'll just get a few details. Age?
Oh, er, 17, I think.
17?
Well, I thought the younger she was,
the longer she'd last.
No, no, no. I want your details. Your age.
Oh, 27.
27. And what are you interested in?
Same as most chaps like to do, I suppose.
And that is?
Well, I don't know. I've never done it yet.
You should try it. It's lovely.
What I'm trying to do is
to find out what you like to do,
so I can fix you up with a girl who likes it, too.
Oh, yes, I would like a girl who likes it, too.
Yes, it is handy. Hobbies?
Oh, well,
my main one is making model aeroplanes.
Model aeroplanes?
- Yes, out of milk bottle tops.
- Milk bottle tops?
- Yes. They're not flying models, of course.
- No? You surprise me. Any other hobbies?
I rather like collecting book matches.
You know, all the different packets.
I don't think we'll have much trouble
finding you a girl that likes making aeroplanes
out of bottle tops and collecting the odd packet.
Oh, good.
Right, well, that's the lot.
Oh, wonderful. Er, what happens now?
Come with me.
Now, then.
All we do is feed the information
into the computer here,
and, after a few minutes,
the lady suitable to you will come out there.
What? Through that little slot?
She must be very small.
No, no, no.
Just the lady's particulars, not the lady herself.
This is a fantastic piece of machinery,
you know that? It cost a bomb.
This is a miracle of modern technology.
Here we go.
Bottle tops and book matches!
What a catch!
Ah! (Laughs)
Oh, yes. I think this is the ideal one, Mr Bliss.
Here we are, then.
Oh, gosh! That was quick.
- That's the beauty of it, you see, Mr Muffin.
- Muffet.
A fellow can spend his lifetime trying to find
the right girl. This machine does it in minutes.
Shall we see who the lucky lady is, then?
There's been a slight technical error here.
This one is definitely out of circulation.
What's the idea? Why her?
Why not? She's one of our clients.
- I know that, but she's no good.
- You seem to find her very satisfactory.
All right. You've had your little joke.
Let's have another one.
You seem to forget, Sidney, dear,
I didn't choose her,
it was chosen by
that miracle of modern technology.
Or perhaps you'd like me to explain
to our clients how it works.
No, no, no.
We don't need you... darling.
I want to see that
the gentleman's fixed up properly, dear.
It's a pity about that, Mr Muffin, a great pity.
- Oh, has your computer gone wrong?
- No, it's been too accurate.
- This lady's hobby is not compatible with yours.
- Oh, but how?
Well, she likes to make Christmas decorations
out of milk bottle tops.
That could lead to fights every morning
about who's going to have the top.
I'm sure we wouldn't.
It would bring your aircraft production
to a standstill.
Oh, nonsense, sweetheart.
I think it's a lovely idea.
Can't you just imagine these two young people
sitting in front of a fire every evening,
doing things with their tops?
I'm quite ready to have a go at it if she is,
Mr Bliss.
She's ready all right, mate...
to have a go, I mean.
Don't be a spoilsport, Sidney.
Her number's on the card. Let me call it.
I'll do it...
darling.
That's it. Now, hold it.
(Phone rings)
Oh, excuse me one moment, will you?
Esme Crowfoot speaking. Can I help you?
Oh, this is Mr Bliss of the Wedded Bliss Agency.
You've got a nerve calling me after the way
you behaved last night, I must say.
Yes, and I'm very sorry if I bothered you,
Miss Crowfoot.
The fact is we have a young gentleman here
who's very anxious to meet you.
Well, if he's anything like you,
I don't think I care to meet him, thank you.
She's all excited about it.
I don't know what you think I am,
or expect me to do,
but it'll take more than a dozen tired daffodils
to do it, I can assure you.
That's nice of you to say so.
We do our best to give satisfaction.
How about this evening?
- Yes, that's fine with Mr Muffin.
- Muffet.
How about the Parkway Cocktail Bar,
7:30 this evening?
Lovely. Fine. Yes, not at all. It's a pleasure.
You're very welcome.
That's that, then.
Two guineas registration, two guineas for
the introduction. That's four guineas altogether.
I'll give you one of our introductory cards,
so that she knows you come from us.
Oh, yes, thank you.
And you might like to have our little booklet,
giving a few tips on courtship,
a sort of Do-lt-Yourselves.
- I beg your pardon?
- Never mind. There we are.
Thank you.
Oh, yes, thank you very much.
That's very nice of you.
The Wit To Woo by Sidney Bliss. Interesting.
Yes, well, that's all, then.
And the very, very best of luck to you, Mr Muffet.
Er, Muffin. Erm...
Was there something else?
- Just my change. I gave you a five pound note.
- That's right.
There's two guineas registration, two for
the introduction and 16 bob for the booklet.
Oh. Oh, yes.
I... Yes. Oh, thank you.
Yes. Not at all. There we are.
Don't forget. Parkway Cocktail Bar, 7:30. Ta-ta.
Sophie. Sophie!
Now, cut it out, Sophie!
Well, Henry, you heard Mr Snooper's advice.
Do you think we should try it?
If you want to, Emily, but personally I don't think
a pair of steps is going to be the answer.
If I'm to help you sort out your problems,
I must insist on absolute candour.
Do not be afraid to use natural words
for natural functions.
You won't easily shock me, I can promise you.
So, let's have all the dirty linen out
and give it a jolly good washing, eh?
Now, who's going to be first? You, Mrs Dreery?
Well, really,
I suppose the trouble is we just can't get on.
Now, let's try to be more precise.
Get on... what? A horse? A bus?
Oh, no. You know.
Well, we just seem to have rows all the time.
Ah, rows, yes. About what, precisely?
Oh, everything. Like the way he went on
about that fireside chair I got him.
I think so, an' all. Look at it!
It must've been made for a bloody midget.
I couldn't get half my arse on it.
Hardly the cause for a row, Mr Dreery.
You must learn to turn the other cheek,
in a manner of speaking.
I didn't come here for a laugh, you know, mate.
I can stay at home and look at her for that.
Yes, well, there's usually some deeper,
underlying cause for stress in these cases.
Of course there is.
Let's face it.
You see, our problem is about our... sex.
You shouldn't have any trouble in that direction.
After all, you're one of each.
Some people are far worse off, you know.
- Are you trying to be funny, mate?
- No, no. Certainly not.
You don't seem to get the point, mate.
You see, the trouble with my wife is...
she won't have...
relations.
Oh, I think that's hardly fair, Mrs Dreery.
After all, it's perfectly normal to entertain
members of the family from time to time.
No, no, no, no, no.
She won't have...
...intercourse.
What?! Well, you must chat about something.
What he's trying to say is that we never have it.
That intimacy never takes place between us.
Ah, I see! Well, of course, you should have
mentioned that in the first place.
Obviously, that's the basic root of the problem.
Yes. Well, of course.
It naturally follows that everyone
should lead a well-balanced sex life.
That's the trouble: it isn't well balanced.
He's five stone heavier than me.
Mm. Yes. Oh.
I see. Yes, I can understand
the position you've been put on... put in.
Stone the crows. What's he talking about?
But don't you see?
At the moment, you are a dead weight.
And you're a bloody dead loss.
Don't talk to me like that!
Here I am, trying to help you...
Help me?
You couldn't help a dog find a bloody lamppost.
How dare you!
You come here using ridiculous words
like "relations" and "intercourse"
without having the slightest idea
what they mean!
I don't know what they mean?!
You're round the bleedin' twist!
That's it! Get out of my office, do you hear?
Get out!
We're getting out! Don't worry, mate!
Mr Snooper,
I must ask you to keep your voice down!
You can be heard all over the building.
I'm sorry. I was trying to give
this wretched couple some advice.
Advice? You couldn't advise a constipated cow
to take a laxative.
Sir, sir, if you and your wife
would care to wait outside,
I'll see you in a moment.
Snooper, these incidents are happening
far too often.
Well, I'm really very, very sorry, sir.
It's not all your fault. I shouldn't have employed
a bachelor to give advice to married couples.
But I know all about married couples.
My father and mother were one, you know.
I'm delighted to hear it, but it's not good enough.
Unless you're prepared to get married,
we'll have to dispense with your services.
- Is that understood?
- But I'm a confirmed bachelor.
I don't know any women.
Then find one!
Go to a matrimonial agency or something.
But do it. Soon.
Married? lt'll disrupt my entire life!
Well, that's all right, then.
Age, habits, hobbies, likes, dislikes.
Now, did you say you'd been married before?
That's right. Twice.
Are your wives dead?
That's right.
I see.
The first wife died from eating mushrooms.
Ooh, I'm sorry to hear that.
So was she.
The second wife died from a fractured skull.
A fractured skull? How did that happen?
Wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
Wouldn't eat the mu...
Thank you, Dr Crippen.
Don't call us, we'll call you.
Thank you.
You must be joking!
Oh, good afternoon.
The Wedded Bliss Agency sent me.
Mr Philpot?
That's right. I'm supposed to meet
a Miss Jenny Grubb.
You wouldn't be?
Jenny is my daughter.
Oh, thank goodness...
Er, thank goodness I've come to the right place.
That remains to be seen.
Thank you very much.
Jenny is in here, Mr Philpot, having tea.
- You haven't had it, have you?
- Oh, no. No, this is the first time we've met.
- Tea, Mr Philpot.
- Oh, I'm sorry. No, I haven't.
Good afternoon.
Nice day.
This is Mr Philpot, who wishes to marry Jenny.
I say, steady on. I mean,
give us a chance to get to know each other first.
See how we hit it off, eh?
Mr Philpot, you may as well understand
here and now
that there will be no question of "hitting it off"
before marriage.
No, I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea.
I only went to the agency for a bit of fun.
If it's fun you want,
I fear you've come to the wrong place.
Yes, I can see that.
Well, you may as well meet Jenny
now that you're here.
Oh, thanks. Well, nice to have met you all.
She's here, Mr Philpot.
This is Jenny.
How do you do, Jenny?
No physical contact yet, please.
Jenny, get Mr Philpot some tea.
(Crunch)
Oh, I'm so sorry!
I beg your pardon.
(Squeak)
- Ow!
(Boing)
Thank you.
Well, this is jolly nice.
- Sugar?
- What?
- Sugar?
- Oh, yes. Thank you.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I beg your pardon. It slipped.
Sorry.
Oh!
- Mr Philpot?
- Yes.
Would you mind resuming your seat
before you wreck the entire house?
Yes, I'm so sorry.
(Saucer smashes)
- Ah!
I seem to have... done one of your saucers in.
No matter. It's only Crown Derby.
- Oh, that's all right, then.
- Jenny.
Please get Mr Philpot some more tea.
You must think I'm awfully clumsy.
Yes, but we will overlook your more obvious
shortcomings and get down to practical matters.
Regarding the period of courtship...
Yes?
You'll be permitted to see Jenny once a week,
in company of myself, of course,
and other members of the family.
You mean, I wouldn't be able to see her alone?
Oh, I don't think that'd be at all wise.
Jenny has led a very sheltered life
and has had little or no experience of men.
Really?
- I have done it.
- I beg your pardon?
- Put it in.
- Oh!
- The sugar.
- Ah!
And what is your financial status, Mr Philpot?
Excuse me. Actually, I have
a private income of about L#3,000 a year.
Is that all?
Well, it's enough.
Not enough to run a big house of this size.
There's myself, you see,
and other members of the family to provide for.
We don't live extravagantly,
but we do like to live well.
Just a minute. Just a minute.
Just supposing I was mug enough to marry her,
do you really think I'd live here? With this lot?
Naturally.
We have always been and we intend to remain
one big, happy family.
Oh, no, I'm afraid it just wouldn't work out.
They'd never fit in with the way I like to live.
All-night parties. Strip poker. Pot-smoking.
No, I'm afraid not.
I'll say goodbye and thank you for the tea.
Bye.
I like him.
Wedded Bliss Agency.
Let us bring a little happiness into your life.
Oh, hello, Mr Philpot. How was the introduction?
(Garbled speech)
Yes, I'm sorry she wasn't quite
what you were looking for.
I can't vet them all personally.
Inever even saw Miss Grubb.
- Her mother did what?
- (Garbled speech)
Well, yes, yes, and I sympathise, Mr Philpot.
Hang on, hang on a minute, will you?
Maybe I can put you onto something
a little more amenable.
Er...
Oh, yes.
We have Miss Adams here.
Now, there's an absolute cracker for you.
Just the job for you - and she can cook, too.
Yes? Right.
The phone number is 663404271, right?
Not at all, Mr Philpot.
We aim to see that all our clients get satisfaction.
(Blows raspberry)
And you.
Esme Crowfoot. You've got to do something
about that, Sidney.
Sophie, darling, I've been thinking.
Well?
About me fixing it up for that young Muffin fellow
to meet Miss Crowfoot. It's all wrong.
I don't like the sound of this. What are you up to?
Nothing. I phoned her up and cancelled it.
And what happens when he goes down
to the bar to meet her at 7:30?
Oh, I'd forgotten about that. That's a nuisance.
I'll have to go down myself and explain.
Oh, that's a good idea. Yes. I'll come, too.
Why not? Oh, wait a minute. You can't.
We've got that Snooper fellow coming at 8:00.
Oh, well, in that case,
I'll go down and explain to Mr Muffet.
You stay here and see Mr Snooper.
Oh, no, that wouldn't be fair, would it?
I got him into this mess,
it's up to me to get him out of it.
I've got a few calls to make on the way.
I'll be seeing you.
When will you be seeing me?
Sidney Bliss!
I'll fix you, Sidney Bliss.
Oh, hello! Of course I remember you, Mrs Bliss.
Yes, we last met at that wedding
when I guarded the presents.
Yes, it was a pity about that.
No, they never did find the bride again.
Such a nice girl, too.
Well, I rang you, Mr Bedsop,
because I want someone followed.
Mr Bliss, actually.
My husband, yes, that's right.
Oh, well, if you'll describe him for me.
Rotten,
cheating,
lying ba...
No! No, Mrs Bliss,
a physical description, if you please.
Yes. Yes.
The general appearance
of an ancient and dissipated walnut.
And what's more, I can tell you
where he'll be at 7:30 this evening.
At the Parkway Hotel Cocktail Bar.
Right. You leave it to me, Mrs Bliss.
Check. Roger, over and out.
No filming tonight, then, Sally?
No, worst luck. I have to meet a photographer
from the publicity agency here.
Some more pin -ups, eh?
That's it. Sally Martin,
unknown star of stage, screen and television,
pictured in her home, with everything about her
but her clothes.
How do you do? Meeting you is
the most exciting moment of my life, straight up.
(Clears throat)
Excuse me... but I'm from the agency.
Oh, yes. Hello.
Hello.
Well?
Muffet. Bertram Muffet.
Oh. How do you do, Mr Muffet?
Fine, thank you.
It's the most exciting moment of my life
meeting you straight up.
Really?
Oh, well, er, it's nice to meet someone
who knows who I am.
They told me at the agency, you see.
Don't go and spoil it.
I wonder if you would do me a pleasure?
What?
Um, the pleasure of having a meal somewhere.
Oh. Well, it's really very sweet of you,
but it's not really necessary, you know.
Isn't it?
No.
Look, I don't have a lot of time, so let's go
straight back to my place and get down to it, eh?
Some blokes have all the luck.
Excuse me. Have you had a fellow in here
looking for a woman?
We never get any other kind.
Don't mess about. Small, skinny fellow.
- A bit dopey-looking.
- Bertram Muffet?
- He left with Miss Martin.
- Martin?
Sally Martin.
Oh.
She's taken him back to her place...
to get down to it.
Pardon?
- That's what she said.
- Did she?
And I called him a dope!
Well, this is it.
I share with another girl, but you don't have
to worry. She's working this evening.
Ooh, it's very nice. Very nice, indeed.
- Well, anyway, it's better than Regents Park.
- Regents Park?
Yes. That's where I did it last time.
On the bridge over the canal.
- Really?
- Mm.
It was awful. Freezing cold.
And people kept stopping to watch.
I'm not surprised.
I suppose so.
Still, it's annoying.
Now, that's my bedroom, and
through there's the kitchen and the bathroom.
You'll want to go in there, won't you?
Oh, no, thanks. Not just at the moment.
Please yourself.
Only most blokes seem to want one in the bath.
In the bath? Certainly not.
Oh. Well, I've got this big sponge,
you see, and a loofah.
I'm sure you could do something with that.
No, thank you.
OK. OK. You're doing it.
Now, where would you like to start?
Well, really, I'm quite happy in here.
Fine. Well, you get all ready, then,
and I'll go and get out of these clothes.
No, no, no, don't!
I mean, there's no hurry, is there?
- Well, I haven't got all night.
- Well, I don't want all night.
I mean...
Well, you look absolutely lovely as you are.
In this? You must be joking!
No, really. I like it.
Well, it's very sweet of you to say so,
but let's be sensible about this.
I mean, I'm not crazy about stripping off, believe
me, but it's what people want these days.
So, I say, if they want it, let 'em have it.
- Ooh!
- Oi! What do you think you're doing?
Hey, come back here!
And just what are you playing about at?
Everything's all right, Officer.
There's nothing wrong at all.
- I was looking for a man who I was following.
- Really?
- I think you'd better come with me.
- I don't think you understand.
I was following a man.
He went in the cloakroom, so I followed him.
W-W-W-Wh...
(Cackles)
Ooh! If they get any shorter,
they'll have two more cheeks to powder.
Taxi! Taxi!
Rogerham Mansions.
Watch it!
Don't use language like that to me, mate.
You deaf old twit! Go to that address.
Quick as you can.
Come back, you fool! Here!
Taxi!
Follow that cab.
(Mouths)
OK. I'm ready.
Well, you don't have to look so worried.
I'll take this off as soon as you're ready.
Do you like it? It's Orlon.
It looks more like "all off" to me.
Where do you want me?
Well, I really don't mind.
Well, you say, you're the expert.
How about on the bed?
No.
Well, where, then?
Well, I mean,
couldn't we just sit and talk for a bit?
Sit and talk? What about?
Anything. I mean,
I just didn't expect things to happen so quickly.
Just a minute.
Is this the first time you've ever done this?
Yes.
Oh, no. Don't say they've sent me a learner.
But I know what to do.
I mean, I've read books and things.
Oh, well. I suppose everybody's got to start
sometime, haven't they?
So, let's give it a try, eh?
I only bought this outfit this morning.
I hope it shows enough.
Oh, yes, plenty.
Well, if it doesn't, just yell out.
Now, how about lying on the rug to start with?
Throw me a cushion, can you?
That's it.
How's that?
Wonderful.
Well, come on, then. Where is it?
Where's what?
Your camera.
Oh, but I haven't got one.
What? What's that in your case?
Oh, that's my model aeroplanes.
Your what?
Model aeroplanes.
I thought you'd like to see them.
Why would I want to see
your model aeroplanes?
Well, they told me at the agency that you make
Christmas decorations out of milk bottle tops.
- That's what I make these with.
- Christmas decorations out of milk bottle tops?
Right. I've never done that. It must be fun.
Oh, yes, yes. It's really great fun.
You really must try it.
But just who at the agency
told you all this about me?
The chap who runs it. Mr Bliss. This one.
The Wedded Bliss Agency.
This is to introduce Mr Bertram Muffin.
- Yes, it should be Muffet.
- You're not a photographer?
Oh, dear me, no. I'm an undertaker's assistant.
An undertaker's... Oh!
Oh, look, I'm terribly sorry, Mr Muffin...
- Muffet.
- But there's been a mistake.
I think you've met the wrong person.
- You are Miss Crowfoot, aren't you?
- No.
You see, I was going to meet a man
from the photo agency,
and when you said you were from the agency,
I naturally thought that it was you.
Oh. Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
But when I saw you, I thought...
Oh, what an idiot I've been. Excuse me.
You don't have to go. It wasn't your fault.
- I'm terribly sorry.
- Wait a minute!
(Laughs)
All right?
Well, that's it. Can't go any further.
Not without getting arrested.
You! I said I never wanted to see you again.
Help me! Help me!
What's happened to you? You're all wet.
I'm sorry, I didn't know anybody else
I could turn to.
What have you been doing? Come on inside.
Thank you. Thank you.
You're soaking. What have you been doing?
I couldn't help it. I just couldn't face
going through life any more without you.
What do you mean?
I tried to drown myself.
Where? What in?
The canal.
Canal? What canal?
What does it matter what canal?
They've all got water, haven't they?
Well, that was a silly thing to do.
Those canals are filthy dirty.
Who cares about that
when you're going to drown?
Why didn't you drown?
I forgot I could swim.
Come on. Get those wet things off
before you catch your death.
Fancy! No-one's ever tried to do away
with themselves because of me before.
- I'm flattered.
- You should be. This suit cost me 30 quid.
I didn't really mean it, Sidney, you know,
about not wanting to see you again.
Thank you.
I don't want much, just to worship at your feet.
I've got better bits.
I'll put this by the fire.
Have you wet your trousers?
Eh? Oh!
Oh, yes. Well, I mean,
I went in feet first, didn't I? And my shirt.
Then, we'd better have it off, hadn't we?
You took the thought right out of my mind.
(Doorbell chimes Here Comes The Bride)
- Mr Snooper, is it?
- That is correct.
Oh, do come in. I'm sorry Mr Bliss can't be here.
I'm Mrs Bliss. Do sit down.
- Oh, thank you.
- That's it.
You don't mind discussing your problems
with a woman, I hope?
Oh, no, not at all.
My mother was a woman, you know.
Really?
I hope you don't mind my coming so late, but
I wanted to wait till everyone had gone home,
and the streets were clear.
I wouldn't like to be seen coming here,
you understand?
Oh, you don't have to be embarrassed
coming to a marriage bureau, Mr Snooper.
The mating instinct is in all of us.
Everybody's doing it these days.
I know! I have to spend half my time
listening to how they do it.
I beg your pardon?
I am a marriage guidance counsellor, Mrs Bliss,
and my superior feels it would be advantageous
if I were married.
Oh, I understand.
Though, I must confess, I find it difficult
to believe that anyone as... cultured
and distinguished-looking as yourself
would have any difficulty in finding a wife.
That is very true, of course,
and up till now, I've had no need for one.
Miss Dempsey, my housekeeper,
caters for my every need...
about the house, of course.
Cooking, cleaning and scrubbing.
She does all the scrubbing.
So, what you really want is a wife
who can satisfy your superior.
Good gracious, no! He has his own wife.
Yes, of course.
Well, I'm quite sure that
we'll find someone suitable for you.
A woman with charm and intelligence who can
grace your table and run your house efficiently.
- Yes. And bring me a cup of tea in bed.
- Oh, of course.
I always fancy it in the mornings, you know.
Really?
Oh, yes. Gets the system going.
I am a man of regular habits.
Once a week, I dine at my club.
Once a week, I play squash.
Once a week, bridge, and so on.
Everything in moderation.
Yes, of course. Well, I think
once a week is enough for anything, don't you?
Precisely.
Well, I'm sure that
we'll be able to find someone suitable.
And being a virile man,
of course you would like to have a child.
Oh, no! A fully-grown woman, I think.
Excuse me, I'd like to use the phone, if I may.
I'm awfully sorry to disturb you,
but this is important.
Oh. Oh, I'm awfully sorry to trouble you,
but would you have a sixpence
for two threepenny bits, please?
By any chance?
Oh. Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you.
Well, here's your receipt, Mr Snooper,
and we'll be getting in touch with you very soon
regarding an introduction.
Thank you very much. And I must let you
get home now. You're looking rather tired.
Well, it is a long day
and Mr Bliss and I are always at it.
Well, as long as it's not through overwork.
(Phone rings)
Wedded Bliss Agency. Mrs Bliss.
Ah, Mr Muffet.
Oh, hello. Mrs Bliss,
I'm afraid there's been a bit of a mix-up.
I seem to have met the wrong girl. Yes.
Um, no, I got the right place and time,
but there was this girl who thought
I was someone else and I thought it was her.
And we didn't find out her mistake... I mean,
my mistake, until she got most of her clothes off.
But I don't understand this, Mr Muffet.
Didn't Mr Bliss meet you at the bar?
No? Are you sure?
I see.
Oh, yes, I think I know what he's doing,
Mr Muffet.
Look, you still want to meet Miss Crowfoot,
I take it?
Good.
Why don't you go to her flat?
Yes. I'll give you the address.
Um, Rogerham Mansions, yes. Dunham Road.
Right. Yes, and thank you.
Yes, thank you, Mrs Bliss. Goodbye.
Esme! Esme!
- Are you feeling better now?
- No.
But I might if I didn't have to
keep looking at that thing.
Oh, don't you think he's rather gorgeous?
- Gorgeous?!
- That's Gripper.
Griper would be more like it.
Gripper Burke. He's a wrestler.
Get away! I thought it was a ballet dancer.
Well, he and I had quite a thing once.
I don't know what it was,
but he had quite a hold on me.
Probably the Indian death lock.
Then he had to go to America
and I haven't heard from him since.
Obviously the same as me,
all-out for a submission.
Now, don't start that nonsense all over again.
Nonsense? Haven't you heard?
That's what makes the world go round.
I've done my share of keeping it going
in the past, now I'll let someone else have a go.
- Me, for instance. Come here!
- No, Sidney, don't!
Sidney, you mustn't! Not in your condition.
- Right now I couldn't be in a better condition.
- No, Sidney.
Oh, come on, darling.
I'm not just on the make - I really fancy you.
No!
Oh, blimey, why not?
Because I am keeping myself.
- That's all right. I don't want to keep you.
- I mean, for the man I marry.
- You're making a big mistake.
- Why?
- It's like a car, isn't it?
- What is?
You lay it up for a few years,
suddenly you want to use it and it's rusted up.
True.
But if it has a regular service... no trouble.
- Look, it's not that I don't want to, Sid, but...
- Yes?
(Doorbell rings)
- Who can that be?
- Never mind. Don't answer it.
- I have to. It might be business.
- What do you think this is?
I'll get rid of them as quick as I can.
(Doorbell rings)
Pussycat!
Gripper! Oh!
Oh! W-W-When did you get back?
Just now. I had enough of it over there.
Besides, I missed you too much.
I'm sure you did, Gripper.
Oh, put me down, please, you're hurting me.
- Eh?
- You're... Oh! Oh!
Oh... There.
Nobody can say Gripper Burke don't fight fair.
No, no, no!
Oh, Esme, darling,
I can't wait to get started with you again.
I'm sure you can't, but not tonight, please.
What? You haven't found somebody else,
have you? Because you promised.
- Oh, no, of course not, no.
- Oh, well, that's all right, then.
- Seconds out. Second round. Doing!
- No, Gripper, please, no!
Hey!
No, Gripper. No, Gripper, please!
No, no, Gripper!
No! No!
Gotcha!
My favourite hold, remember?
It used to make you turn to jelly.
Yes, but I don't really feel like
turning to jelly tonight, Gripper.
- That's all right. We've got all night.
- No, dear. I really am awfully tired.
Oh, all right, then.
There. That's better.
'Ere, let me tell you about my last fight
in the States.
Man Mountain Dawson they call him.
Man Mountain?! More like Ant Heap, he was!
He couldn't have wrestled with
his bloomin' conscience!
Anyway, in the first round, he comes out
roaring and bellowing like some animal...
- It sounds fascinating, Gripper, go on.
- 'Ere, those are men's clothes.
- You've got a bloke here!
- No, of course not, Gripper.
Where is he? I'll kill him! I'll tear him apart!
See? I told you there was no-one here.
- Do you think I'm daft or something?
- Yes.
- Eh?
- No, no, no. I mean, no.
Tell me, then.
What were those clothes doing here?
I was just drying them off for someone.
Yeah? Well, he'd better not come back
while I'm here, or he'll find me waiting for him.
(Thunderclap)
Oh, no!
Honest, Gripper, I haven't seen any other men
since you went away.
- Honest?
- Yes, really.
(Doorbell rings)
Good evening.
This is Miss Crowfoot's flat, isn't it?
Yeah. What about it?
Well, they said if I was to come here,
it would be all right.
Oh, they did, did they?
Yes, Mr Bliss said that
she'd be just what I was looking for.
Oh.
- Well, you'd better come in, hadn't you?
- Thank you.
Hello. I'm from the agency.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You're from the agency, did you say?
Yes, that's right. Muffet's the name.
Bertram Muffet.
- Gripper! What are you doing?
- I'll kill him!
Aaaah!
Good night, Esme.
Hello, is that the Wedded Bliss Agency?
Good. I was trying to trace a Mr Bertram Muffet.
A client of yours, I believe.
Yes.
What?
What's he doing in a hospital?
What?
Look, darling, I love you, I adore you
and you're my very favourite model,
- but not for this particular job.
- Why not?
No bristols. You're flat-chested.
Adrian, please!
- What do you mean, flat-chested?
- Well...
Sally, did you hear him? Am I flat-chested?
Am I, now?
I don't know. Turn around and let's have a look.
Oh, ha-ha!
You've never worried about it before.
Look, I have told you, for this particular job,
they want watermelons.
All right. Go and find someone else. I don't care.
I wish I could.
That's why I asked you if you knew somebody.
You think I'd tell you?
Find your own watermelons!
Look, darling, I love you, but if I can't find
any watermelons, I'm out of business.
Hello. Are you still there?
I'm sorry. I was interrupted.
Could you tell me which hospital he's in?
Oh, thanks.
Thanks a lot.
(Doorbell rings)
Oh, excuse me, but I saw an advert
for someone to share a flat.
Oh, yes. Come in.
Thank you.
There's two of us here at the moment,
but we could use a third.
It'll be about L#5 a week each. All right?
Oh, yes. At least it will be
as soon as I can get another job.
Oh, what do you do, then?
Well, I was a stuffer.
I beg your pardon?
Oh. For sausage meat.
In a sausage factory.
Oh, yes.
You know, putting it in.
Why did you give it up?
Well, it wasn't a very interesting job.
Besides, I wanted to get away from home.
I'm sure you'll find something else.
Would you like to see round the flat?
I've got to go.
If I don't find a girl, I'll lose this job.
I wish I were dead.
- Er, this is Adrian.
- Oh, how do you do?
Darling girl, where did you come from? Heaven?
No. Fulham.
Hm?
Fulham. Wonderful, beautiful Fulham.
What does he mean?
Oh, darling, let me rest my mince pies.
Phwoar, they are... great!
- Knockout.
- What?
They are all yours, I take it?
Oh, don't be a fool, Adrian.
Oh, yeah, of course. They must be.
All right, darling. Get your gear off.
What?
Your clothes. I want to have a butcher's at you.
Who do you think I am?
Adrian, for heaven's sake, stop!
She isn't a model, you know.
Really? Well, what do you do, then, darling?
I shouldn't tell him that if I was you.
As a matter of fact,
she's not working at anything at the moment.
Oh?
Well, you are now, my darling. Phwoar!
'Ere, I never quite gathered, mate,
but what's supposed to be wrong with you?
Me?
Oh, nothing at all. Why?
There must be something wrong.
No, I'm fine.
He's over there.
Oh, thanks. I promise I'll only be a few minutes.
Oh!
Oh, I say, I'm awfully sorry. I didn't see you...
Gosh! You!
Yes.
Well, nobody can accuse us
of having dull meetings, can they?
But how did you get here?
Well, you left your card that night
and they told me where you were.
Oh, I see.
Oh. Excuse me.
I came because I wanted to apologise
for what happened in the flat that night.
You? But I'm the one who should apologise.
I behaved like an absolute clot.
No, it was really all my fault.
If I'd known who you were...
Oh, nonsense.
Anyway, nothing did happen, did it?
No. But what must you have thought of me,
taking all my clothes off like that!
Well, I can tell you now, I did feel a bit shaky.
Especially when you asked me
where I wanted you.
And you should have seen your face when I laid
down on the rug and told you to get on with it!
And I turned and bolted!
Well, er...
I just wanted to say sorry.
I'll have to go now.
Oh, no, look, wait. Look, I get out of here
tomorrow. Could I see you again?
Well, if you really want to.
Oh, rather! I'd like to see a lot more of you.
Oh, well, there isn't much
you haven't already seen.
No, I don't mean that.
No, I know.
Well, if you'd like to give me a call sometime...
- Yes, soon as I get out.
- Fine.
Bye for now, then.
- Oh.
- Yes?
Um, don't think I'm being nosy,
but there is one thing I just have to know.
I haven't got a girl, if that's it.
No, but do you really make model aeroplanes
out of milk bottle tops?
Yes.
Oh. Good.
Well, I'll start saving mine for you, then.
Bye.
Aeroplanes out of milk bottle tops?
Look, mate, I couldn't help hearing,
but is it really right, all that stuff?
What?
Well, you know, her stripping off
and laying on the rug and that?
Oh, yes.
- And you turned and ran?
- Yes.
Blimey! And you say
there's nothing wrong with you!
And the next, please.
Why, Mrs Bliss! What a pleasant surprise.
Do come in. Sit down.
Thank you.
Well, what brings you here
and what can I do for you?
Not a marital problem, I trust? (Laughs)
Well, hardly, Mr Snooper.
You see, I'm not married.
Yes, well, of course, that would be...
What?
You mean, you and Mr Bliss are living in sin?
Well, not that either, unfortunately.
I don't understand.
For business reasons, he thought it would be
better if we appeared to be husband and wife.
Of course, we always had an understanding
that one day we would marry.
At least, I had an understanding.
How long has this been going on?
- Ten years.
- Oh, how terrible!
Oh, my dear Mrs Bliss.
Miss Plummet, actually.
Miss Plummet, oh.
How nice.
And you would like me to talk to Mr Bliss?
Oh, no. I'd never marry him now.
No, really, I came to talk about us...
About us?
Yes, you see, I've been studying your case
very carefully, Mr Snooper.
And frankly, I feel that I am the only one
who comes anywhere near
satisfying your requirements for a wife.
Oh, well, I don't know about that. I'd have to...
Oh, please, listen to me, Mr Snooper.
I'm sure you'll agree that
I'm not one of your flighty young women.
Oh, no. No, not at all.
So, as far as sex is concerned,
I'd like to make my position quite clear.
- Yes, well, the position is half the battle, isn't it?
- Yes.
As your wife, I would run your home efficiently,
I would preside over your table gracefully,
and await any further demands... hopefully.
Well, that is a most generous offer,
Miss Plummet.
I promise you, Mr Snooper,
you'll find me generous in all things.
Yes, well, I'd like a little time to think about it,
of course, you understand.
Of course.
I've been a bachelor for so long,
I can't help wondering
whether I'd be very satisfying as a husband.
- You know...
- I know.
On the other hand, with you, I can't help
feeling there's a chance it might work.
Well, don't worry.
If it didn't, we could always adopt a child.
What do you mean,
you're not coming into the office any more?
But, Sophie, I need you here.
What? Oh, that's nice, after all I've done for you.
Now, listen. So...
Sophie.
What's the matter with her? What have I done?
Mr Philpot, what can I do for you?
You can give me my money back.
Every ruddy penny.
- Why? What's up?
- What's up?!
First of all, you sent me to see a girl
called Jenny Grubb. How about that?
Yeah, how about that? I never tried it.
A mouse. I've got more sex in my little finger.
If that weren't bad enough,
you put me onto that Miss Adams.
"An absolute cracker," you said.
That's true. I vetted her personally.
- "A good cook," you said.
- Yes, that's right.
She had something cooking... in the oven.
In the oven?
Yeah, by my reckoning, for about five months -
at regulo ten.
Oh, my gawd!
It's all right. I'm in the clear.
- You won't be if I don't get my money back.
- Wait a minute. Mistakes can happen.
I'll tell you what, I've got another one
here for you. Her name's Esme Crowfoot...
No. You know what you can do with
Esme Crowfoot.
I don't, but if you'd care to find out...
Give me back my money,
or I'm going to the police.
They'll never find you anything any good.
Fraud! That's what it is.
Obtaining money under false pretences.
Steady on. Why don't you just
come and sit down...
(Doorbell chimes Here Comes The Bride)
- Excuse me. Come in!
Just give me my money back...
Oh! Excuse me.
Am I interrupting?
Not at all, miss. Can I help you?
I just popped in to say that
you could take my name off your list.
You? You're on our books?
Don't you remember me?
- No.
- Jenny.
- Jenny Grubb.
- 'Ere, Jenny Grubb?
I came round to your place for tea
the other week.
Yes, and you weren't very impressed, were you?
No... Yes, yes!
It's just that you were dressed
rather differently then.
My parents believe in covering me up.
- They're an old-fashioned pair, you know.
- Nonsense. They're a beautifully-fashioned pair.
Just hang on a minute,
Mr Philpot, it's my client, if you don't mind.
You want to come off our list.
Does that mean you're fixed up with someone?
Well, no, no-one special.
It's just that I've got a job.
I'm a model. And a new flat to live in,
so I thought I'd have a bit of fun.
You couldn't have come at a better time.
Let's go in the other office and talk.
Oh, no, I can't do that.
I've got a modelling job in half an hour.
It's for a new kind of body stocking
and I can't get out of it.
- Come in here, I'll get you out of it.
- No, I must go.
Here, I've got the old jam jar outside.
Let me give you a lift.
Oh, that's very kind of you. Thank you.
Come on, then.
You've forgotten something.
You wanted your money back.
Me? What would I want my money back for?
You've done a splendid job here.
Have I?
Splendid.
Grubb. Jenny Grubb.
Let's have a look at this.
Miss Jenny Grubb. Age: 24 years.
Hair: brownish. Eyes: didn't notice.
Height: 5' 6". Never had any.
Eh? Oh, hobbies.
Yeah, well, that'll soon be changed.
Well, this is it.
- All right?
- Mm. Sexy.
Ooh, you! You'd say a lumber room was sexy.
Only if I was rummaging through
your odds and ends.
Have you got in here again?
(Jenny claps her hands)
- Come on out.
(Meows)
Oh, it's the porter's, darned thing.
It's always sneaking in here.
Shoo, Cooking Fat, shoo!
(Jenny claps)
- Cooking Fat?
- Yes.
They can't call it that, surely?
Well, that's what it sounds like.
Come and get comfy.
Here, are you sure
your flatmates won't be back?
No, not until after 11.
- God, I really fancy you, Jenny.
- And I liked you the first time I met you.
Oh, let me get at you.
(Crunch)
- Oh, what the hell am I sitting on?
Urgh!
They're not yours, surely?
No, they're Gaye's. She really is a flat mate.
Come here, you little raver.
Oh, steady on. There's plenty of time.
And plenty of inclination.
Mm.
- Oh, Terry, stop it.
- Hm?
- What are you doing?
- I'm looking for the zip.
- You've got a sauce.
- Well, where is the darned thing?
As if I'd tell you, anyway!
- It's on the other side.
- Ah.
- That's better.
- Ooh!
- What's the matter?
- You've got cold hands.
- Oh, Jenny...
- Oh, Terry...
(Zipper)
Oh, sorry, Jenny, I didn't know you were here.
I didn't know you were here.
Sally, this is my night. Wednesday.
I know. It's all right. I'm going out.
As soon as I find my blue sweater, anyway.
Have you had it?
Not yet.
No, I have not had your blue sweater,
and if you must go on looking for it in here,
will you put something on?
Oh, sorry.
But I've got to find it.
Oh, I know. I bet Gaye's had it again.
Do you want me to close the door?
Yes, please.
Oh, Terry, I'm so sorry.
Not at all. It's a good job
she wasn't looking for her pants... or was it?
- Oh, Terry...
- Oh, Jenny...
(Zipper)
I found it.
(Zipper)
- Hooray!
Ooh, sorry. I won't bother you any more.
Do you want me to close the door?
BOTH: Yes!
Oh, Terry, I'm so sorry.
Don't mention it. Don't mention it.
You are sweet.
- Oh, Jenny...
- Oh, Terry...
(Zipper)
- Oh, blimey!
(Zipper)
Men! I've had them up to here.
Oh, no.
Gaye, what are you doing here?
It is my flat, isn't it?
Yes, but it's Wednesday. My night.
Oh, I'm sorry, but I've had another flaming row
with Adrian and I couldn't stand him any longer.
Gaye, I've got a friend here.
Oh, well, you don't have to worry.
I'm going to bed.
I'm glad this is your night.
I'd hate to be here when it wasn't.
- Oh, Terry...
- Oh, Jenny...
Give me a number between one and ten.
Seven.
You lose. Get your clothes off.
(Zipper)
(Doorbell rings)
(Zipper)
If that's Bertie,
tell him I won't be a minute, will you?
- Do it yourself, I'm busy.
(Zipper)
(Doorbell rings)
If that's Adrian, tell him to go to hell!
(Doorbell rings)
- Oh, I could scream!
(Zipper)
Ow!
(Persistent doorbell)
All right. Where is she? Where is that cow?
Gaye's in her room
and she doesn't want to see you.
- Well, I want to see her.
- I'm trying to entertain!
Oh. How do you do?
Hello.
- Open up, there! I want to talk to you!
- Adrian!
I'll break the door down!
- Adrian!
- What?
That is a cupboard!
Oh.
Sorry.
Open up. I want to talk to you.
Well, I don't want to talk to you.
- I'll stay here all night if I have to.
- I had a nasty feeling he was going to say that.
Well? What have you got to say?
Darling, you know I can't exist without you.
You seem to be able to exist with all those
other models you keep messing about with.
Oh, they mean nothing to me! You know that.
Oh, Terry!
(Doorbell rings)
Oh, good. Company.
Oh, I'm fed up with this!
I might as well be back home.
- Yes?
- Oh, hello, Jenny. Is Sally ready?
No. But do come in.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, hello.
Oh, I'm sorry if I'm barging in.
Do go on with what you were doing.
Chance'd be a fine thing!
Quite a nice evening.
Charming.
I thought it would rain earlier.
- Really?
- Yes.
Anyway, we'll probably get it tonight.
We'll be bloody lucky if we do, mate.
(Door opens)
Hello, Bertie. Sorry to have kept you waiting.
Oh, that's all right.
Well? What are we going to do, then?
Well, if you'd like to stop in and make
some aeroplanes, I've brought some tops.
Er, no, I don't think that would
be a very good idea. Not tonight, Bertie.
All right. If that's the way it's to be,
I shall kill myself!
- I will. I mean it.
- Oh, no. No, Adrian, don't! Don't!
- Not in here.
- I shall shoot myself.
Go on. Shoot the lot,
then maybe we'll get some peace.
- Goodbye.
- Oh, stop him, somebody!
Oh, take cover!
Boo!
Aren't you getting tired of following me about?
Excuse, gentle sir.
Me no spoking very good the English.
Oh, gawd! A Bombay Bond!
Ha-ha! Fooled him that time.
15:02.
Suspect left Cock Inn,
Saloon Bar, and proceeded back to office.
- Sophie, you're back!
- Only to clear my desk.
Come on. Surely you're not still suspicious
of Esme Crowfoot and me?
Ino longer care where you go,
or what you do, or to whom.
Oh, don't be like that. How about dinner tonight?
Just like old times?
You mean, like old time? And I paid the bill.
All right. So it's my turn tonight.
No, thank you. Anyway,
I'm having dinner with Mr Snooper at his home.
- Alone?
- Certainly.
I hope you've got your tin drawers on.
- (Laughs)
- Mr Snooper and I are to be married.
Have you gone raving mad?
You don't know anything about the bloke.
- He's a gentleman.
- I knew there was something wrong with him.
Well, have you any alternative suggestions
as to my future?
- Yes, of course I have.
- Well?
Stay here with me.
It's been all right the last ten years.
- Goodbye, Sidney.
- Wait a minute, Sophie. Don't leave me like that.
I'll be lost without you. So will the business.
Ineed a woman. You know that.
Then I suggest you put the details on the
appropriate card, and stick it in your computer!
All right, go, then!
See if I care.
Marvellous. Give a woman the best years
of your life and look what happens.
Mr bleedin' Snooper...
Snooper. What's he got, anyway?
Snooper, Percival.
Percival! Cor blimey, there's a good start!
Age 43, handsome,
well-mannered, sexually backward.
That's him all right.
He doesn't know whether he's coming or going.
Hobbies: reading, walking, playing bridge,
and poking...
around antique shops.
45 Bolstrode Avenue.
Occupation: marriage guidance counsellor.
Fancy! Well, I think it's time
I did a bit of marriage guiding myself.
Hello, Esme.
Sidney? You've got a nerve ringing me.
I was wondering if you could
do me a small favour, darling?
No, not that. Could you meet me tonight?
I can't. You know how jealous Gripper gets.
Even more so now we're engaged.
Engaged? Congratulations.
You know I wouldn't bother you
unless it was desperate. Go on, please.
Well, all right,
but as long as you promise to behave.
That's a good girl. Meet me outside
the Parkway Hotel, eight o'clock. Right?
And wear your sexiest see-through.
Whatever for?
Well, just because I can't touch,
doesn't mean I can't look, does it? Eh?
All right. See you then. Ta-ta.
(Blows raspberry)
(Doorbell rings)
It's all right, Miss Dempsey. I'll go.
This is the lady I was expecting.
Very good, sir.
Ah, Miss Plummet!
How nice to see you. Do come in.
This is Miss Dempsey,
my faithful, old housekeeper.
Oh, I'm so pleased to meet you, Miss Dempsey.
Mr Snooper has told me
how well you look after him.
I've always done my best, I'm sure.
Oh, a treasure. I'd be lost without her.
Oh, well, I hope you'll stay on
after Percival and I are married,
Miss Dempsey.
Married? Oh!
What on earth's the matter with her?
- Oh, surely you know? She's in love with you.
- In love, with me?
Of course. You must have felt it on occasions?
Certainly not. No. I've never laid a finger on her.
Would you care for a glass of sherry?
Throw me aside like an old, worn -out slipper,
after all the years I've slaved for him.
If I can't have him, nobody else is,
if I can prevent it.
Ah! Ah, I always knew
it would come in useful one day.
Ha-ha!
It's a delightful house, Percival.
I shall be very happy here.
Good. I think you'll like
the first-floor front as your bedroom.
You mean, we won't be sleeping together, then?
Oh, good gracious, no, my dear. Why on earth
should we with a house as large as this?
Yes, but I think it's a wife's duty
to be close to her husband
for the warmth and comfort it brings.
Oh, you don't want to worry about that.
I've got the electric blanket.
Oh. How nice.
Besides, sharing a bed together, we might be
tempted to indulge in carnal pursuits.
Oh, rather. Yes.
And we don't want any of that nonsense, do we?
Well, you're very strong-willed, obviously,
but it's a temptation
I would find very hard to avoid.
Nonsense, my dear! Do as I do.
Plenty of exercise, cold baths every morning
and a good dose of salts at night.
Cheers!
Cheers.
Hang on a minute,
I've just got to make a quick call. Pay the cab.
(Phone rings)
Hello. Basher Street Gym here.
Ah!
Hold on. Gripper!
- It's for you.
- Oh. Excuse me.
Pleasure.
Hello. Gripper Burke here.
This is a friend.
I just thought you ought to know,
an oversexed nut by the name of Snooper
has just lured your fiancee into his house.
What?! Where?
Bolstrode Avenue, 45.
And if I was you, I'd get my skates on quick.
I think you'll find this wine amusing.
(Knock on door)
- That'll be Miss Dempsey with the main course.
She always does something special. Come in!
Miss Dempsey!
Miss Dempsey!
Yes, what is it, love? I mean, sir.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
I'll have mine in the kitchen,
so you two can be alone. It's only fair.
What do you mean?
You always eat in the kitchen.
Oh, yes, that's right. I always eat in the kitchen.
Sorry, love.
Well, I'll be leaving you now, then.
Oh, um, will you want your electric blanket
switched on tonight?
Of course I will. Why shouldn't I?
Well, we don't always like it, do we?
I mean, do you! What have I said?
Miss Dempsey, what are you talking about?
I'm sorry, I wouldn't like you to get any ideas
about me and Percy.
I mean, Mr Snooper.
He's always behaved like the perfect gent
with me, except when we, er...
Well, you know.
I'm sure he has.
What are you saying?
I've always been good to you, haven't I?
Oh, you have, love. I mean, sir.
He has, too. More than good.
Always gives me a little present afterwards.
After I've done something
especially nice for him.
Miss Dempsey!
- Please!
- I'd better go, before I say something I shouldn't.
The woman's demented.
Sophia, surely you can't believe
there's anything in what she said.
Well, I realise Miss Dempsey may be upset
by the announcement of our marriage.
On the other hand, there's no smoke without fire.
And you can't have a fire
without it being properly laid.
I mean...
- That should be about right.
- What should?
Never mind. You know what you've got to do.
Lay it on good and thick.
Oh, Sid, I can't do it!
Is there a better way to show Sophie
you're not interested in me?
Very well, but don't blame me for what happens.
That's a good girl. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Very well. I'm willing to accept that there has
been nothing between you and Miss Dempsey.
She'll have to go, of course.
Go? But she's been here for years.
She has security and comfort here.
She'd never get it anywhere else.
Well, she's not getting it here any more.
It's your choice, Percival. Her or me.
Oh, very well, then.
Oh, that's settled, then.
(Knock at door)
- Come in.
There's a woman here to see you.
A woman? What woman?
"Just tell him Pussycat," she said,
"and he'll know who you mean."
Pussycat? I don't know any Pussycats.
You'd better tell her.
She's waiting in the drawing room.
Oh, I don't understand.
She must have got the wrong house.
Um, excuse me.
- Madam, I think there's been some mistake.
- Oh, Percival!
I'm sorry, my darling, I just had to come.
I can't bear it any longer without you.
Madam, please try to control yourself.
How can you ask me to control myself
after all we've been to one another?
You who've never shown any control
where I'm concerned.
- What?
- I need you, Percival!
The nights have been, oh, so empty!
I don't care how hard you beat me,
as long as you love me occasionally.
Oh, madam, please keep your voice down!
You can be heard halfway through the house.
Look here, I don't know who you are,
or what you want...
Oh! What are you doing?
I want you to take me.
I'm yours. You know it. Take me.
But I don't want you! Stop it! Stop it at once!
No, you've found someone else!
I know it. I can feel it!
- Well, stop feeling it.
- Oh!
Oh, Percival, how could you desert me like this?
What's to become of me and the baby?
The baby? What baby? I don't know any babies.
I won't give you up, you hear?
I won't! You're mine!
- You'll always be mine.
- Help, Miss Dempsey! Help, Miss Dempsey!
Ah!
Oh, no!
You! Esme Crowfoot!
You filthy, depraved beast!
No, Sophia, please, come back!
No, you don't need her, my darling,
you've got me!
Get off!
Get off me! You've no right.
Bingo!
Where is she? Where is she?
If you mean Pussycat, in there.
Ah, Gripper!
- What are you?
- You lousy swine. I'll kill you!
- What are you doing? You're all mad!
- I'm mad, all right.
Take your hands off him, you great bully, you!
Ow!
Why, Miss Dempsey!
Oh, ta!
(Laughs)
Sophie, what happened?
Did you forget something?
No, I was just thinking about what you were
saying yesterday and, of course, you're right.
You can't run the business without me.
- I thought you were getting married?
- No.
Oh, oh.
Well, I'm very glad to hear it.
Fancy that, eh? The old firm back in business.
I think we ought to celebrate.
I'll nip down to the off-licence and get something.
Oh.
Lend us a couple...
Thank you.
- Oh!
- Hello.
Mr Bedsop!
What are you doing here?
Well, actually, I thought it was time
I gave you a report on Mr Bliss.
Oh, you're not still following him?
Oh, I am sorry, I should have told you to stop.
Well, I think you'll find it's all been worthwhile.
Particularly when you hear
whom he was with last night.
Oh, I'm sure it...
- Last night?
- Oh, yes.
He met a Miss Esme Crowfoot.
Really? Do go on, Mr Bedsop.
Sophie! Come and get it.
Here, look. How about that? Champers.
- Oh, very nice. May I crack it?
- Yes, go on, go ahead.
Thank you.
What did you go and do that for?
You wretch! You rotten swine!
Don't think I don't know you sent that poor
wretched woman into Mr Snooper's last night.
Well... Well, what if I did?
- I only did it cos I don't want to lose you.
- You've lost me now, for good.
No, wait, wait. I want to marry you.
You want to what?
Marry you. Well, I mean, that is, in time.
I don't want to rush you into anything.
All right. All right. Next week, then.
You heard that, Mr Bedsop?
I've got it down.
You won't regret it, Sid, I promise you.
I know that, darling.
I'll tell you what, why don't we have a booze-up
and invite all the couples
we've brought together?
- Careful, that's going to cost money.
- So what?
I know a fellow in catering and if we charge them
a guinea a head, we might make a few bob.
Oh, I love you!
# DVORAK: Humoresque
(Knocks on table)
Ladies and gents, I realise that our marriage
has come as a bit of a shock to you all,
but I'd like you to know that we are delighted
to have you share this great day with us,
you happy couples that
we've had the pleasure of bringing together.
Just to look around this room and see
so many contented, ideally-matched couples
is reward in itself for the trouble
we have been to on your behalf.
You, like Sophie and me, have been dead lucky,
because you've had the benefit of
our expert knowledge and scientific advice.
So, I am not asking you only to drink to our
health and happiness, but to your own. Cheers.
# For He's A Jolly Good Fellow
(Tune trails off)
(Clears throat)
- 'Ere, that's it!
- What are you on about now?
That suit he's wearing.
That was the one
that was drying in your flat that night.
Stop it, Gripper, don't make a scene.
So, it was you. I'll bloomin' well kill you!
What are you talking about? He's gone potty.
Don't pay any attention to him, Sophie.
I'll deal with you later!
Oh, you will, will you?
Don't you laugh at him, you little squirt!
How dare you, you old bag!
- Ow!
- (Laughs)
# Strauss waltz
(Laughs)
Keep 'em coming.
GRIPPER: I'll tear you apart!