Magic Mike (2012) Movie Script
[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]
DALLAS:
Let's fucking get it on right now. Let's go.
Come on. Come on.
Here. Here.
Now, l want to go over a few rules
with y'all tonight.
Ain't that all right?
Don't worry about it. Rule number one.
This is the
"What can you touch and not touch" rules.
Can you touch this?
No, no, no.
Second touch.
Can you touch this?
No, no, no.
And finally....
[WOMEN WHOOPlNG]
Last one, ladies. Can you touch this?
Can you ever touch this?
Well, that's who the law says
that you cannot touch.
[WOMEN GROAN]
But l think l see a lot of lawbreakers
up in this house tonight.
[AUDlENCE WHOOPlNG AND CHEERlNG]
And l don't see a cop in sight.
All right?
Oh.
[SNlFFS]
[TRlMMER WHlRRlNG]
You know, l gotta go commando today
because someone...
...ripped off my favorite pair
of panties last night.
[CHUCKLES]
-Hey. lt's not funny.
-Heh, oh, sorry, heh.
-They were my grandma's.
-They were not your grandma's.
They could have been.
Can you throw me, uh, that shirt right there?
Hey, what are we gonna do about her?
MlKE [WHlSPERlNG]:
l don't know.
What was her name again?
What? l don't--
l'm sorry. What's her name?
[WHlSPERS]
Uh.
You don't even know.
-l do.
-You found her. You have to remember her.
-l know her name.
-What is it, then?
lt's....
[SHOUTS]
Penelope.
[MlKE CHUCKLES]
Whatever her name was, she was fun.
JOANNA:
That's a cool table. Where'd you get it?
MlKE: That's just some old shit that blew up
on a beach after the last hurricane.
-You made that?
-Hmm?
You should sell these things.
Tsk, thank you. That's actually the idea.
Mike's Custom Furniture Concepts.
But the market hasn't really hit
the sweet spot yet.
Hm, l'm waiting for the bank to make
the competitive loans l'm looking for...
...and then l'll swoop in.
Cool.
l'm going to get out of here.
You guys are good?
What? You're just gonna leave us?
Yeah. What, are you gonna steal a bunch
of my shit or something?
Probably. That's what strangers do.
-Don't do that...maybe?
-Okay.
MlKE: Okay.
-Okay.
So l'm going to see you again?
Tsk, uh, yeah, probably.
l don't know. l'll, uh, call you.
Bye.
MlKE:
Where's George and the guys?
SAL: They fucked me and took another gig
last minute. So l got these guys.
MlKE:
Where'd you get them?
Uh, you know, ah, industry referrals.
MlKE: My dick. You got them off Craigslist?
SAL: Heh.
l can't have fucking union guys
around here...
...barking about benefits and shit.
Give me a break.
So, what am l supposed to do in there?
-Hey, you Sol? Sal. Adam.
-Sal.
Oh, Adam, how you doing? This is Mike.
You guys are gonna be working together.
Give me a minute?
l want to straighten something out there.
You can hop up there.
-You gotta be fucking kidding me.
-What?
He's wearing fucking tennis shoes.
He doesn't know--
Ah, heh, do me a favor, go up there
and do it for 14 bucks an hour.
l'm gonna do it for 20 bucks an hour.
[SAL SlGHS]
-l'll give you 1 8.
-Mm-mm.
Don't fuck with me.
You're like my son.
The son which you're gonna pay
$20 an hour.
MlKE:
What's up?
You ever, uh, tiled a roof before?
-No.
-Fuck.
How'd you get this job, anyways?
Craigslist.
And you put on your post
that you'd tiled houses before?
Yeah.
Right, ugh.
So, what do you got in your bag?
[CLEARS THROAT]
SAL: Why don't you open it up?
ADAM: There's nothing in it.
Why don't you open the fucking bag
before l open your fucking head up?
l got a nice ham, cheese sandwich....
You know how to read, huh?
One Pepsi a day. Read the cooler.
l'm gonna do my inventory.
lf l come up short, l'm coming right to you.
[CAR ALARM CHlRPlNG]
ls it dead?
ADAM:
What's that?
l can try to jump you off if you want,
but it's not the battery.
l think you're probably fucked.
MlKE:
Just tell them if they want to get into this...
...be up there. l'll see you at the Amp.
All right. Later.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG
ON CAR RADlO]
What are you doing? Stop. What the fuck
are you doing, man?
[MlKE SlGHS]
Sorry.
lt's new. lt's gonna stay new
if you don't rip off the damn plastic.
ADAM:
Why do you have that?
Because it protects it. l'm going to rip it off
when l'm ready to sell it.
lt'll be like brand-new.
Where are you from?
Citrus Springs.
Did you play ball?
ADAM:
Uh, yeah. Strong safety.
You don't look like a strong safety.
l gave that, uh, college thing the college try.
Didn't quite work out.
Couldn't resist the lure
of the roofing business?
Yeah, that and the lure
of my sister's couch.
ADAM: Can you do me a favor and drop me
off at my car tonight?
BROOKE:
No, l'm sorry. l'm going to dinner.
l can take you tomorrow morning, though.
What time do you have to be at work?
l need to talk to you about that, heh.
The foreman, uh...
...he accused me of stealing.
So l fucking quit.
-What?
-Yeah, but l have....
Well, l had that interview at T-Mobile.
So, uh, yeah. They asked me to wear
a fucking tie.
You know how l feel about wearing
a fucking tie.
Why don't you just wear a tie?
Sorry. You know what my rules are.
BROOKE:
Oh, God, brother.
[BROOKE SlGHS]
What? l also...
[SNlFFS]
...could do....
[MUMBLES]
-What?
-What?
-What did you say?
-What did you hear?
You're doing that thing.
You're doing that game.
-What game?
-No. You do that all the time.
lt's not working anymore.
-Talking about games, l could be a gamer.
-Oh, yeah.
-And l could sell it to people.
-You'll make so much money.
-l could be the voice of the game.
-Even more money.
l have a very good voice.
l do great impressions.
You do do good impressions.
What was the one you did last night?
-l'm not going to do it now.
-Heh, do it again. Do it again.
-No.
-Come on.
[lMlTATlNG ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER]
Listen to me.
[BROOKE LAUGHlNG]
These are my tortillas.
Get in the chopper.
John Connor, come with me.
-Argh!
-Okay. All right.
ln case that doesn't work out,
why don't you come to dinner with me...
...and Paul tonight?
You can ask him if any of his friends
have any job openings.
PAUL:
But sometimes people want to, you know...
...they think they're owed a lot more
than, uh, they deserve. So too bad. Bummer.
Uh, but, uh, you know, whatever. Sucks.
l just don't have to be the guy
that tells them, uh, you know...
...that they're, uh, not going to be able
to rebuild their houses. Um, anyway....
Uh, let's talk about something else,
you know.
You're right.
l'm sick of talking about Medicaid...
...and processing insurance forms as well.
l get it.
PAUL: Right.
-l get it.
Right. l mean, it's slightly different
when you're doing Medicaid claims...
...and when you're doing huge
property damage claims...
-...but l guess it's a similar kind of thing.
-Yeah.
Oh, wait, wait.
-Remember what l said?
-Hmm, l'm so sorry.
l just can't drive tonight.
l've been driving all weekend.
l'm sorry.
-No worries.
-l just forgot.
Someone will finish it, l think.
-There you go. There's a taker.
ADAM: l will.
-Tsk.
-Good?
Where are you going?
[ALL CHATTERlNG]
Uh, hey,
do you know who's spinning tonight?
Heh, uh....
-No. Sorry.
-All right.
[GlRL CHUCKLES]
Hey, Mike.
Mike.
Sorry, bro.
Hey, Mike.
-Hey, man.
MlKE: Yo.
-Heh, what's going on?
-What's going on, bro?
-Are you going in?
-Yeah, we're going.
Can l come with you?
Uh....
Pfft, dude, they're never gonna
let you in like that.
Come on. l'd do anything.
Heh, it's not my fault.
l'm just saying they're not gonna do it.
l would do it, but--
l don't think they're going to do it, bro.
All right.
All right?
Fuck. Okay, dude. Hey.
Um....
You're going to owe me.
-l promise, man--
-l mean, owe me.
No questions asked, owe me.
Anything.
Take your hood off. Try to look a little
more-- Tuck your fucking shirt in.
You got to not wear tennis shoes, bro.
George, dude, l got one.
l'm sorry. l know, l know.
Thanks, bro. l owe you.
ADAM:
Sorry, man. These are the only shoes l got.
[POP MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKER]
Hey, baby, mwah.
Can we borrow one of these?
Thank you. Grab one.
ADAM:
ls it free?
Don't worry, man, you're gonna earn
your keep.
So l got us a new recruit.
Ladies, meet the Kid. Portia, Ruby.
GlRLS:
Hey.
ADAM:
Heh, hey.
What are we thinking? Yes, no, maybe?
-Oh, yeah. The cougars will eat him up.
-Yeah?
That's a quality endorsement, my friend.
What do you guys do?
[GlRLS CHUCKLE]
-What?
-Come here. Come here.
Any time a girl tells you
her name starts with a flower...
...a car or a stone,
don't bother asking what she does.
You know what l'm saying?
All right, l ain't got that much time,
so l'm calling in my favor, all right?
Okay.
You see the girl with the tiara thing
and the sash?
[GlRLS TALKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]
ADAM: Yeah.
MlKE: Go talk to her.
What do you want me to say?
l don't care. Have you never talked
to a girl before? Just go talk to her.
Be creative.
She does not look like she wants
to be bothered.
Look at what she's wearing.
She came here tonight to be bothered.
Go bother her.
You want to be inside or outside?
lnside.
l'll come save you in a minute.
Get out of here.
l'm getting wasted tonight
if we could get a drink.
GlRL:
l know.
She's, like, ignoring the whole side
of this bar.
-Hey.
-Hey, Carla.
Um, oh....
Yo, man. Watch out, you're going to knock
my girlfriend.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah, what the fuck are you gonna do?
-Uh, hi. Do l know you?
-Hi.
Uh, no. l'm, uh...
l didn't know that l had a boyfriend,
but thank you for that.
Um, all the guys here are fucking obnoxious.
-Thanks for that.
-Heh.
Who do we have to fuck
to get a fucking drink?
Uh, me, please?
-You'd like that, wouldn't you?
-Uh, yes, l would.
We've been standing around here
for quite a while, and l'm 21 .
-lt's true.
-And l can't get drunk.
-You're 21 ?
-Yes.
Happy 21st. l'd buy you guys a shot if l--
-Don't worry about it.
-lt's fine.
Oh, Adam.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-l'm Liz. Hi.
-Hi, Liz.
What do you say, baby boy?
You want one?
l can't find anybody to take
these. Y'all want them?
-Perfect. We can't drink them all ourselves.
-Whoo.
Uh, here's to, um, our children.
May they have rich fucking parents, heh.
Heh, absolutely.
[COUGHS]
MlKE: Yes. Okay.
-Whoo.
-What, you guys go to USF?
-Yeah.
-Mm-hm.
-So it's summer break, correct?
-That's right.
-Whoo.
And if l'm not mistaken,
that says "21 ," right?
l am 21 , yes.
-Then why the fuck isn't she throwing up?
-Whoo.
-We can't get drinks.
LlZ: Ha, ha.
You can't get drinks? That's no excuse.
That's a bad friend you got.
l'm not a bad friend.
-You are a bad friend.
-l'm trying.
CARLA:
You are a bad friend.
See? You heard it from her.
l'm just saying.
-What are you guys planning on doing tonight?
-Ha, ha.
Wouldn't you like to know?
MlKE: Actually, l would, to be totally honest.
-Ha, ha.
lf you like to get a wee bit crazy,
why don't you come down and see the show?
CARLA: Are you serious? Wow.
MlKE: As a fucking heart attack.
We have a lot of friends here.
Can they come too?
MlKE: How many?
CARLA: Eight or nine?
MlKE:
That's perfect, actually.
Hand them these. Tell them
they get in free at the door.
Okay. Maybe we'll come.
No. That's not a commitment.
Maybe we'll come,
if your little friend here comes too.
ADAM: Me?
-Oh, "little friend."
That's an easy if,
because he will be there.
-He's absolutely gonna be there.
-l will?
LlZ:
Then we'll be there too.
All right. The show starts in 45 minutes.
You can make it in 45 minutes?
-You're going to come. You swear?
-Yeah, we promise.
ADAM: Dude. You're a fucking stripper?
MlKE: Ha-ha-ha.
l swear, l thought you were going
to shit the bed, but you, heh, actually did it.
Ah, l feel like l owe you.
l can throw you 1 00 bucks...
...tip you out at the end of the night...
-...if you really want to host.
ADAM: Host what?
MlKE:
Yeah. No, for sure.
-l hope you're ready for this shit.
-Ha, ha.
[WOMEN WHOOPlNG]
WOMAN:
Who's your friend, Mike?
[WOMEN LAUGHlNG]
MlKE: This is the owner. Jesus.
DALLAS: Whoo.
Fucking Valhalla shit, man, mwah.
You see that shit, Mike?
Chicks are gonna go fucking crazy
over this, man.
l'm thinking of giving this routine
to Tarzan, unless you want it.
MlKE: No. lt's not my style, but, uh,
somebody should do it. lt's cool.
-Oh, it's fucking really good, heh.
MlKE: Mm-hm.
Ah, who's this?
This is the Kid. Uh, he wrangled, like,
nine sorority girls for us tonight...
...so l figured
he could help out around here tonight.
DALLAS:
How old are you?
-Uh, nineteen.
DALLAS: Nineteen.
-The fuck am l supposed to do with that?
MlKE: Oh, come on. He don't look 1 9.
l can't have him host.
Can't have a 1 9-year-old
on the fucking street.
Then he can do props, can't he?
-l can do anything.
-We're setting up our own shit as it is.
All right. Props.
You're on props tonight.
Do whatever Mikey tells you,
any of the guys tell you.
Clean the fucking toilets, whatever.
Tonight. And listen up.
-This is not a fucking joke.
-Heh.
DALLAS: All right? lt's not a fucking hobby.
This is a serious business l'm running.
So the last thing l need
is a teenage liability fucking my future up.
-Don't try it. Yeah.
DALLAS: Capiche?
TARZAN: One thing about Waffle House pussy
is you got to worry about the teeth.
Waffle House pussy?
l hate Waffle House pussy, heh.
[ALL CHUCKLlNG]
Everybody, this is the Kid.
Y'all can thank me later.
He's going to help us out tonight.
This is Big Dick Richie, Ken, Tito
and Tarzan.
TARZAN:
Whoa, l get it.
Just tell him what props you need.
l'll help him set them up later.
And, uh, yeah. Have fun.
Make yourself at home, Kid.
There you go, bro.
[MEN GlBBERlNG]
-No, thanks, man.
-No?
-No. l'm good.
-Suit yourself.
You handed it to me like the Hindenburg.
-How long you been on the force?
-What?
The police. How long you been a cop?
l'm not a cop, man.
RlCHlE:
Ha, ha, just fucking with you. Sit down.
Come on, man, sit down.
[SlGHS]
TARZAN:
So how do you know Mike?
Uh, ahem.
We, uh, worked together on construction.
[KEN AND TlTO TALKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]
What kind of cash you make at that?
You all right, man?
What kind of cash you make?
Like 1 0 bucks an hour.
Under the table?
Yeah.
Hmm, not bad.
So you're here to help us out?
Yes, l am.
All right, so we got your first little piece
of business...bam.
That look ashy to you?
-What's that, man?
-That look ashy?
Heads up.
Just give it a little-- Just a little spray
on that calf there.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
Dude, l don't want to spray your leg.
Just do it.
We all had to do it, man.
lt's like the initiation.
Lord of the Flies. Come on.
Come on, Kid. lt's all right.
We'll tip you out good at the end
of the night. You'll be a happy man.
-Uh.
-Make sure you massage it in good.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah.
[TARZAN CHUCKLES]
He fucking did it too.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Oh, you're all right, man. You're all right.
DALLAS:
Take this front-row table right here, ladies.
You got your lD on you?
You got your lD? Heh. You're not drinking
a Shirley Temple tonight, are you?
No. We've already had a few drinks, so....
No Roy Rogers, no Shirley Temples.
Y'all have a great time.
We do a group act first, then we do our
solos, then we do hot seats.
lf everything goes well
and we get these girls jacked up...
...then we jack up the price of the hot seats,
so don't fuck it up.
Dude, it's easy.
All you got to do is hand us...
...our props before we go out on-stage.
All right? That's it. That's all you got to do.
You bring out whatever props
and everything-- There he is.
[SPEAKlNG lN SPANlSH]
This is Tobias. He is our resident DJ.
Tobias, the Kid.
He's gonna be the one...
...giving you the cue
before each act.
-Pre-game. That's what l'm talking about.
-lt's the love potion.
-What is this? Strawberry?
-What is that?
lt's a little mixture.
ln, uh, Miami, we call it Hey Juice.
Hey Juice. Because if you drink
the whole bottle, "Hey." You'll like it, man.
[MlKE COUGHS]
Give it a sample.
You can't drink, so you want half a cap?
[ADAM STAMMERS]
ADAM:
l don't know what the fuck it is.
MlKE: lt's just G. lt's basically like getting
drunk without all the calories.
-All right.
-You sure?
[SPEAKlNG lN SPANlSH]
DALLAS:
All right, all right, all right.
[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]
DALLAS:
Whoo!
Yeah.
How are we feeling tonight, ladies?
Let me hear it one more time. Come on.
lt's gonna rain. Rain gonna come down
and cleanse our soul and wash away the ash.
So get out your purses and get ready
to spend some motherfucking cash.
Welcome to the stage,
the one, the only...
...the Cock-rocking Kings of Tampa.
[THE WEATHER GlRLS' "lT'S
RAlNlNG MEN" PLAYlNG ON SPEAKERS]
[WOMEN CHEERlNG]
[ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
[DRUMBEAT]
Ooh, aah. Ooh, aah.
Ooh, aah.
[YELLS]
DALLAS:
Tarzan.
[TARZAN WHOOPlNG]
Tarzan?
DALLAS:
Where the fuck is he?
[ALL SPEAKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]
DALLAS:
Motherfucker. What the fuck, man? Tarzan.
Fuck, man.
Motherfucker.
How many fucking times, huh?
[DALLAS SlGHS]
Ken, S&M routine. You up on that?
Can you do that?
l'm not putting that out there.
Negative energy.
Not putting what out there?
The negative energy. lt's bad.
lt comes back.
You're kidding me.
Richie, the, uh, fire-breathing gig, huh?
You up for that?
No. l got the fire-phobia issue.
[SlGHS]
Tito. Anything, man.
South of the border fucking shit...
...you've been doing at home.
l'm working on something,
but it's not ready yet. lt's not ready.
All right.
We got to do something.
Mikey, what you got?
-l just came off-stage. l can't.
-An idea. Give me something.
-You go out then.
-l'm not hitting the fucking floor. Come on.
-You want me to come up with something?
-Fuck, yeah.
l hope you can dance.
You still owe me. Come on.
[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]
[BOTH WHOOPlNG]
MlKE: Just start taking
your clothes off. Walk out there.
What are you looking at Dallas for?
Don't. Look at them.
[MADONNA'S "LlKE A VlRGlN" PLAYlNG
OVER SPEAKERS]
MlKE:
Just start, bro.
Yeah, perfect, perfect. Go, go, go.
There you go.
[AUDlENCE SCREAMlNG AND CHEERlNG]
Whoo!
All right, all right, all right.
Let's give it up for the Kid.
Popped his cherry on-stage tonight.
You know what time it is.
lt's time for the hot seat.
You know what that means,
the orgy's over, ladies.
Time for some one-on-one time
with the man of your dreams.
-Five dollars a pop.
-Come here.
That's good.
Welcome to the crazy club, Kid.
DALLAS:
Come on. Everybody. Line up, line up, line up.
RlCHlE:
Yeah, man. Whose big dick is that?
TlTO:
Whoo.
MlKE: l love it.
TlTO: Hey, where's the Kid? Kid. Kid.
MlKE: Look at this saggy underwearing,
all-star right here.
Go buy yourself fresh drawers.
He put that kiss on her and
pouring money out of their hands.
DALLAS:
Aaah!
Never kiss the girls, Kid.
That's Performer 1 01 .
You gotta watch out for herpes.
That too.
But tonight you took a chance
and it paid off. l like that.
Fucking worked.
l got you your money.
That ain't my money, big boy.
That's your money.
Every man keeps every dollar
he makes on that stage.
Plus the 50 that l owe you. All right?
Look, get ready to work, big boy.
lt ain't gonna be that easy every time.
-Yes, sir.
-Fucking worked, whoo!
MlKE:
Ho!
DALLAS:
Ken, nice fucking robot.
Mike lays it out. Tito bringing in the south
side with some brown skin.
Big Dick, they are still devastated
by your cock.
RICHIE: It was loke 25 percent dancong,
-What--?
-Eh, Mike sold it up real nice.
How about you're forgetting 25 percent
more genius?
-Genius, Kid.
-How we do tonight, Mikey?
Uh, it's a little under $2500.
Uh, that's 400 better than last week.
That'll work.
-And my, uh, cut of the door.
-Yes, sir.
That was dangerous shit
you pulled tonight...
...throwing that kid out
on the plank like that.
[MlKE CHUCKLES]
lt worked though, didn't it?
Shit. l didn't know if it was,
till he hit the floor.
[lNDlSTlNCT DlALOGUE]
MlKE: He pulled it out.
DALLAS: Yeah. What's his story?
l don't know. l mean, l met him
at the site today.
Ran into him at Ybor.
Those two little pretty ones over there...
...were all hot and bothered,
so l figured l'd bring him along.
lt was a good move, heh.
He may have something, brother.
He's young, good-looking....
-He can't dance for shit.
-Cannot dance for shit, that is teachable.
We could use some more youth
on the team.
Why don't you bring him to practice
tomorrow and we'll see what he's got?
So, what the fuck is going on with Miami?
Miami, ah, is looking good.
l got a couple loopholes
l got to get through...
...with the, uh, real-estate attorneys.
But after that it's gonna be all green lights.
-What you need from me? What's my side?
-Just keep doing what you're doing.
l love where your head's at.
You're focused.
You're like a big brother
to this team.
Keep that up, you could be making
a lot more than door money.
l guarantee you that.
Both ways this time, though, right?
-Two-way street.
-l want to hear you say the word: Equity.
DALLAS: E-Q-...
-Say it.
DALLAS: ...-U-l-T-Y.
-Say it.
[lNDlSTlNCT DlALOGUE]
[GASPS]
[MlKE LAUGHS]
[ADAM COUGHS]
ADAM:
Oh.
-Hey, Mike.
-Huh?
l think, uh....
l think we should be best friends.
Okay, heh.
Let's go, heh.
MlKE: So how pregnant
did you get that girl's mouth?
ADAM:
Uh, wet? Heh.
Fucking great.
Good morning.
ADAM: Hi, sis.
-Hi.
-Brooke, this is Mike, uh....
-Oh, thank you. Mike, this is Brooke.
-Brooke. Absolute pleasure. Hi.
-Mike.
MlKE:
Are you a nurse?
l'm a medical assistant.
l process nurses' paperwork.
MlKE:
Way cooler.
Sure. Sure.
Oh, nice, dude. ls this one of those retro
Wakefield, or is this a Russel Wright?
Oh, it's a knock-off. That's cool, though.
Where did you get this?
Uh, apparently the knock-off place.
MlKE:
Heh, right.
-So how do you know my brother?
MlKE: Uh, he's on my roofing crew.
But l'm, uh, an entrepreneur, though.
l, uh, manage a few businesses.
Sure.
Sure, cool. Cool.
So the Kid said something
about breakfast.
Uh, well, he must be fucking drunk
because l don't cook no fucking breakfast.
l wasn't talking about you cooking it.
He just said you like breakfast food.
We were going to swing by lHOP
on the way--
Okay uh, good talk.
Um, l'll be outside with the rest
of the breakfast lovers of the world.
[CHUCKLES]
All right, Kid.
DALLAS:
Virgin dance the other night. No more.
You only have a cherry pop one time.
Now look, you walked out on-stage,
you looked like shit, all right?
When l saw something
is when you got off-stage.
Pulled a one-on-one with that chick.
l'll show you what you're gonna do.
Now, let's go to the basics.
Take your clothes off.
-Right now?
-Right now. Take them off.
Every fucking one of them. Let's go.
Let's go. Take them off.
-Heh.
-Hang on. What the fuck are you doing?
Heh, what are you, a 12-year-old
in the locker room?
No.
-Then what are you doing?
-Heh, taking off my clothes.
You're taking off your clothes
like a 12-year-old.
But you're not a 12-year-old
in the locker room. You are the man.
On the stage. Thousands of women.
Eyes on you. You are their vision.
So, what do you do?
You don't just fucking throw your clothes off.
You fucking make it count, baby.
You walk out. You own it.
You look around. You tease.
You seduce.
Clock eyes,
but don't lock in on any of them.
You got to believe that you are inside
every single one of them.
And when the time's right,
then you'll know it.
Foom!
Stick it. That right there
is like hitting the G-spot, every single time.
Now get up there, move around.
You see, baby, you're not just stripping.
You are fulfilling every woman's
wildest fantasies. All right?
You are the husband that they never had.
You are that dreamboat guy
that never came along.
You are the one-night stand,
that free fling of a fuck...
...they get to have, tonight, with you on-stage,
still go home to their hubby...
...and not get in trouble...
...because you, baby, you made it legal.
You are the liberation.
Own it. Who's got the cock?
You do, they don't.
Get right here. Move slow. Around.
Fucking concentrate.
Round, round, round.
Make this shit count.
Ain't time for a fucking fag joke
in here, boy. l'm talking about money.
Move around, round, round.
Get the movements. Breathe.
All right. Easy, rattlesnake.
On three, you're going to stick it.
One, two, three, stick.
That's the hook, baby.
That's the fucking hook.
That's what l'm talking about.
All right?
[ADAM EXHALES]
You can do this, because l know you can.
-l can do it.
-Now, take a breath.
[ADAM EXHALES]
Fuck that mirror like you mean it.
MlKE:
"All right, all right, all right.
Heh, we got the Kid coming up
on the main stage." Hi, Beatrice.
Are you ready? Dallas gave me the go-ahead
on getting you suited up. You ready?
Yeah.
Why do you look scared for?
You already lost your virginity.
All you got to do now is get good at it.
We got to get you an American flag
Star-Spangled Banner...
...for Fourth of July summertime.
Dude. This has no back.
MlKE:
Yeah. That's the point. lt's a thong.
What the fuck is this?
[SQUEAKS]
Stay away from the elephant socks, bro.
That's Dallas shit.
You don't want to look like him, do you?
What's Dallas's deal, man?
ls he, uh, a good guy?
MlKE:
Yeah. Dallas is.... Dallas is Dallas.
l mean, it's pretty cool that he let me in.
MlKE:
Yeah. lt's cool that he let you in.
Look, we think you got something.
l'm not exactly sure what that is just yet...
...but, uh, all we know is you got a lot of work
to do. So don't quit your day job yet.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]
BROOKE:
Adam.
-Get out here. l need to talk to you.
-What do you want?
BROOKE:
l want to talk to you, man. Get the fuck out.
-Get out, Adam.
-l'll be out in a minute, please. One sec.
BROOKE:
Adam, l need to fucking talk to you.
What about?
Um, About this box.
l need to talk to you about this box...
[WHlSPERS]
Oh, fuck me.
...of boots and thongs and sailor hats
and tube socks. And l am fucking--
lt's for work.
BROOKE:
For work? Adam, don't fucking lie to me, man.
l'm your sister. l love you.
l don't judge you.
You're my brother. Just please come out
here so l can talk to you.
l don't care what your preferences are.
-Preferences?
BROOKE: l just want to talk to you about--
Whoa, hey.
lt is not what it looks like.
BROOKE:
ls that my razor?
Yeah.
Are you shaving your fucking legs?
Yeah, l'm shaving my legs.
Why are you shaving your legs?
lt's for work. Okay?
What do you mean, it's for work?
How could it possibly be for work?
[MEN HUMMlNG]
[HOOFBEATS APPROACHlNG]
[HORSES NElGH]
[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]
[NATlVE AMERlCAN THEMES
PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
[GUNSHOTS OVER SPEAKERS]
[BlG & RlCH'S "SAVE A HORSE (RlDE A
COWBOY)" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
Ma'am, excuse me.
You're going to have to move it down.
This is the breakfast lovers' section.
Here we go.
Hi, Mike.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Entrepreneur/stripper?
Stripper/entrepreneur?
Either one. lt's fine.
You really just came down
to see little brother?
No, l was hoping this was all a joke.
lt is pretty funny.
You better take care of him, Mike.
Okay, Mom.
l'll take care of him.
You should stick around, though.
DALLAS: All right, all right.
Let's give it up for the Kid, huh?
Bang. A six-shooter for you. There we go.
This next performer who's coming out...
...he's one of a kind, ladies.
[ALL SCREAMlNG]
l saw this young man walking down
the street about six years ago...
...and l knew when l saw him,
l just knew l had to bring him in.
Bring him in and have his talents
be shown to the universe.
And tonight, he's going to be right here
on this stage...
...so you can see with your very own eyes.
Our feature presentation,
the one and only...
...the star of the show, Mr. Magic Mike.
[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]
[GlNUWlNE'S "PONY"
PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Did you see your sister tonight?
ADAM: See my sister? What do you mean?
-Yeah.
Your sister was there.
No, she wasn't.
Yeah, she was there during your act.
You talked to my sister?
l talked to your sister as you were
dry-humping a girl, yes.
My sister saw me dance?
Heh, yeah, we were actually laughing.
l had a pretty good laugh about it.
-Oh, heh, wow. Fuck.
-Ha, ha.
She did not look happy.
Did you tell her to come?
l told her. l didn't think she'd fucking come.
Jeez.
Well, she did. l don't know how long
she stayed for, but it was, uh....
-She, ha, ha, looked pissed.
-Ha, ha, oof.
How much money did you make tonight?
-How much money?
-Yeah.
Like 230.
Two-thirty? That's good, man.
Oh, by the way, l got this for you.
Uh, just for gas and shit.
-Get the--
-Ha, ha.
Are you kidding me?
Keep your money. lt's fine.
-You drive me around.
-l can pay for my own gas.
lt's fine. Thank you, though.
lt was a really sweet gesture. l appreciate it.
Thank you.
MlKE:
That's a beautiful necklace.
-ls that vintage?
-Oh, l, um....
No, it's.... No, it's, heh....
My sister got it for me, ha, ha
from Target, l think.
Um, tsk, SBA, yes, uh....
Name and Social.
Absolutely. Michael Lane.
...brought the funds
for my down payment.
-Yes. Yeah, heh.
-Heh.
Okay.
All right.
We seem to have a credit issue, Mr. Lane.
Your score is--
Right. l, uh, actually...
-...heh, l talked to Mr. Rodriguez last week.
-Oh.
As l was explaining to him, the businesses
that l manage deal exclusively in cash.
He said you would forego the credit check
if l brought in a healthy down payment.
lt should be noted in there.
He said he was going to put it in.
Absolutely.
Um, you are currently the manager
of an automotive accessories business?
Mm-hm, absolutely. And an event-management
company, a roofing firm, heh.
Honestly, the list goes on.
-Wow, you're a busy guy.
-Ha, ha. Yeah.
Lucky to be.
So, what kind of rates am l looking at?
There are ways to clear these credit issues
up over time, but--
Oh, my God, l haven't even told you, heh,
what l'm here for. l really apologize.
This is what l do.
Right here.
Michael Lane Custom Furniture Concepts.
lt's competitive pricing. Low overhead.
l mean, really, who wants to buy
that crap when it falls apart in a year...
...when you can get hand-crafted furniture
for a bargain?
-You know what l mean?
-Yeah.
Unfortunately, Mr. Lane,
my hands are tied.
The company has a policy
that we cannot issue loans...
...to clients who score below
our credit threshold.
l can absolutely understand
where you're coming from.
Uh, you know, you hit buttons and you think
that you know something about me.
l get it. That's okay. lt's okay.
All, uh, l'm asking for is a good deal.
Please, can you help me with that?
l mean, we do offer relief programs...
...for our qualified distressed clients,
so that--
l'm sorry. What?
lt's a relief program, so--
Distressed? l'm distressed?
WOMAN: No. No, not like that.
-Heh.
Sweetheart, listen. lt's okay. lt's fine.
Does this look distressed?
l don't think so, one.
Two, l read the papers, okay?
The only thing's that distressed is y'all.
[DOOR BELL RlNGlNG]
[BROOKE SlGHS]
BROOKE:
You can't get the door?
[SlNGlNG "HAPPY BlRTHDAY"
AS MARlLYN MONROE]
Happy birthday
Mrs. Pres--
[TOOTS HORN]
BROOKE:
Oh.
Adam, it's for you.
Happy, heh, Birthday, heh, pfft.
Ha, ha. Come on. Let's go. Sandbar party.
Fourth of July, nuts-on-your-head
wake-up call, let's go. Come on.
No, no, no. You are coming too.
Don't even try.
l'm going to go to bed.
lt's 7 in the morning.
"Oh, it's 7 in the morning.
l hate fun."
Jesus Christ, you better have
some epic plans...
...if you're gonna turn your back
on a sandbar party.
What did l tell you?
-Paradise.
-Heh.
Yeah. Paradise. Marooned on an island
with all the strippers in Tampa.
How did l get so lucky?
The best Fourth of July ever, heh.
l literally was just thinking...
-...that in my head, like just now.
-Ha, ha.
Get out of my head.
MlKE: Oh, shit. Yo.
-Hey.
-What are you doing here?
-You know me. Always making new friends.
-Good to see you.
-You too. How are you?
l'm good. Uh, this is, um, Brooke.
-Hi.
-Oh, hey.
Brooke, uh, Joanna.
-Nice to meet you.
-You too. l like your bikini.
Thank you. You too.
-ls that a tattoo?
-Yeah.
What does it say?
-Oh, uh, it just says l was 1 7, and....
JOANNA: Ha, ha.
Yeah.
lt's crazy.
Yeah. Uh, so l know, uh, Joanna from the club.
Uh, she came up--
She studied psychology
and she came up to do, uh....
What's the thing you
came up to do?
Behavior analysis.
Right. She was analysizing our behavior,
apparently.
That must have been, uh,
really enlightening.
lt actually was. You know, l go a few times
a week, if you want to come with us.
She is actually the Kid's brother.
l mean, sister.
-Yeah, heh. Ha, ha.
-Right. Ahem.
-ls that a tattoo over there too?
-Yeah.
She has tattoos. You want a drink?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah?
-lt was nice to meet you.
-lt was nice to meet you too.
She's cute. What? l don't normally like
blonds, but she's really cute.
Yeah, but she's not really our type.
You know what l'm saying?
You're not into her?
No, that's not what l'm saying.
l'm saying she's a little uptight.
We're fucking her,
not taking her to dinner.
lt's not gonna happen.
-She's a dinner type, is what l'm trying to say.
-Oh.
Okay, if you decide you want to share...
...and change your mind and put some
effort into it, you know my number.
Besides, you know how much l love to eat.
Yes, l will.
Obviously you don't like head.
[ALL CHATTERlNG]
l started cheating in the seventh grade
just to entertain myself.
Finished high school, but if l could do it
all over again...
...l wouldn't have even gone. No way.
BROOKE:
You don't believe in school at all?
l think fuck school altogether.
When l have a kid,
l'm going to set him in front of the TV...
...and make him watch Mad Money all day.
Teach him about the stock market.
Get him into Ameritrade
and shit like that.
l guarantee you by the time he's 1 8,
that little fucker's gonna be flush in cash.
RlCHlE: Boo-yah!
-Heh.
-l don't know why more people don't do that...
DALLAS: Hm?
...just from an investment standpoint.
That's the state of the country, man.
America. People. Stupid.
l hope l get to meet your kids someday.
DALLAS:
Tsk, Oh, no problem.
Come visit anytime
in one of our three cool houses, dear.
[CHUCKLES]
MlKE: Hey, if you want, l could probably
get Dallas' number for you.
He's starting
this new life-coaching business...
[BROOKE LAUGHlNG]
...that l really do think you might benefit
from personally.
l mean, l saw the connection
between the two of you.
What? l'm sorry.
Right? So you felt it too?
What? Just, what?
What would his kids even look like?
They'd be running around
in little rattlesnake diapers and shit.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Look, don't, uh, they just say stupid shit
sometimes. Don't let them bother you.
Oh, no, it didn't bother me.
l'm just trying to wrap my mind
around Adam and this whole mess.
l get it. l don't know how
l fit into this whole mix, either.
No. You-- When you're on-stage,
it all makes sense.
l mean, the way you dance
and the way the women respond to you....
Wait a minute. So that means
someone might have stuck around.
That's good to know.
Yeah.
That feeling.... That must be a really
crazy feeling to be on-stage...
...like that. l see why you've been doing it
for so long. l get it.
-But Adam's different. He's....
-Why is that?
Well, he had a football scholarship.
A year ago, he basically ruined it
by getting...
...in a fistfight with his coach
in the first hour of the first day.
-Yeah. l think he said something about that.
-Yeah.
So l just don't--
l'm just trying to figure out...
...why he's stripping.
-"Why" is easy.
-What do you mean, it's easy?
-You want some stripper wisdom?
-Okay.
-You ready?
-Yeah.
He's 1 9 years old.
lt's women, money and a good time.
l guess. l guess.
l got him.
Okay?
Okay.
-You gonna come to the show tonight?
-No.
-You're gonna come.
-No.
-You just said you liked the show.
-Doesn't mean l'm gonna go again.
-But you said--
-l'm not, heh, going. l've seen it.
MlKE: Does that mean you were lying?
BROOKE: l'm not lying.
[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]
[DRUMS PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
[SlNGlNG]
l do know and l've been told
ALL:
l do know and l've been told
Big Dick Richie got a cock of gold
ALL:
Big Dick Richie got a cock of gold
Now, let's give it up for the Virgin Kid
ALL:
Let's give it up for the Virgin Kid
Anything you want, he won't forbid
ALL:
Anything you want, he won't forbid
Now, Mikey got a pipe you gonna love
ALL:
Mikey's got a cock you know you gonna love
What he got down low fits like a glove
ALL:
What he got down low fits like a glove
Soldiers, sound off
ALL:
One, two
-Sound off
ALL: Three, four
ALL:
One, two, three, four, one, two...three, four
[HlGH-TEMPO MUSlC PLAYlNG]
ALL:
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
[GUNFlRE ON SPEAKERS]
[DRUMBEATS ON SPEAKERS]
[ADAM CLEARS THROAT]
[MlKE CHUCKLES]
MlKE:
Oh, don't do that. Don't do that.
l didn't-- He did that himself.
l'm bringing him home.
BROOKE:
Hey, brother bear.
[MlKE GRUNTS]
BROOKE: Thank you.
MlKE: He's just stoned out of his mind.
Heh, yeah, um, um....
MlKE:
Hi.
MlKE: What's up, dude?
Yeah, we, we-- My bad. We, uh....
BROOKE: Yeah.
MlKE: All right. l'll see you later.
What's up, dude?
[WHlSPERlNG]
ls that Paul?
BROKE [WHlSPERlNG]: Yeah. lt's-- Yeah.
MlKE: lt is?
[lNAUDlBLE]
MlKE: lt's going good?
BROOKE: Yeah, it's good. Just, heh, go on.
Hey, l-- uh, thanks.
Thanks for bringing him back.
l told you l was going to take care of him,
didn't l?
BROOKE: Watch yourself.
MlKE: All right, heh.
[SlGHS]
So, uh, l don't know,
how's school or whatever?
Um.... lt's good. lt's good.
[JOANNA CLEARS THROAT]
l'm sorry,
what the fuck do you study again?
Social studies, or sociology or....
JOANNA:
Heh, did you say "social studies"?
MlKE:
Social science, heh?
What, am l in middle school
or something, heh?
JOANNA:
No. No.
MlKE: No?
JOANNA: Psychology.
So how much longer you got
in, uh, psychology?
Uh, l have, uh, six weeks until l'm....
MlKE: For real? Six weeks?
-Yeah.
And then l'm a certified shrink.
Six weeks. That's right.
MlKE: Wow.
-l know. People have to pay me now, heh.
-That's huge.
JOANNA: lt is, yeah.
l'm not paying you.
Not for these little visits, at least.
l'd feel bad taking money from you.
Heh, l'm too fucked up anyway, so....
Oh, you're not so bad.
[JOANNA CLEARS THROAT]
So are you going to open up--?
You ask a lot of questions, don't you?
Little Chatty Cathy tonight, huh?
-Chatty Cathy.
-Chatty Cathy.
And questions are off-limits, l guess?
-They're always off-limits.
-Really?
You don't need to talk. Just look pretty.
What was your name?
l can't remember. What was it?
[CHUCKLES]
Look, l'm going to go, okay?
Um, but l'll give you a call?
MlKE: Mm-hm.
-Mm-hm.
MlKE: Mm-hm.
-Okay.
-Mm-hm.
MlKE: Mm-hm, muah.
Get out of here.
[JOANNA CLEARS THROAT]
[GRUNTS]
[RlNGSlDE'S "MONEY"
PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
TlTO:
That's what l'm saying. l'm....
l'm looking at longevity. This is fun
for now, l'm not gonna be...
...this young and beautiful forever.
Strip malls, l think l got a good idea.
You know, and l watch all these people,
Carleton Sheets and these guys on TV.
And l read this book called
Rich Dad, Poor Dad.
GlRL: That's a great book.
TlTO: You read that?
GlRL: l went to the convention.
TlTO: Yeah, uh, Robert Kiyosaki.
GlRL: Kiyosaki.
TlTO: Yeah, that's the guy.
GlRL:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
DALLAS:
Heeey-ah!
All right, all right, all right, hey, ah.
DALLAS:
lf everybody can quiet down a second here.
Quiet down a sec?
RlCHlE:
Hey, everybody. Shut the fuck up.
DALLAS:
Richie, that's fucking microsuede, man.
RlCHlE: Aw, shit. Sorry, bro.
DALLAS: lt's all right. Thanks.
All right, now l got an announcement
to make.
DALLAS: Now, that means you too, Tarzan.
Come on, big boy...
...out of the shadows, into the light.
Come on, baby.
l've been telling y'all this is going to be
a special night for a long time.
Now l'm going to tell you why.
Despite the hurricane
that has soiled our rather bountiful...
...Saturday afternoon...
...the good Lord has blessed
the Kings of Tampa this summer.
Can l get an "amen" on that?
ALL: Yes.
RlCHlE: Amen.
DALLAS:
Mm.
We've been talking a lot about the markets.
Waiting for the sweet spot.
Waiting for our time to make our move,
take our show global.
Well, as of September 1 st...
...we will no longer be
the Cock-rocking Kings of Tampa.
No, sir, no, ma'am.
We will be the Cock-rocking Kings...
...of 4000 square feet...
...of Miami prime-time beachfront
real estate, motherfuckers.
[ALL CHEERlNG]
Ah, Big Dick, keep it fucking hanging low.
-Tito, call them Cubano cousins, huh?
TlTO: They on their way, baby.
Kid, you ready for the big time, huh?
You ready for the big time?
Tobias, you ready to take yourself
to the beach?
l'm ready, man. l'm ready, huh.
Ken, the housewives
are gonna love you down there.
KEN: We are blessed.
-They're gonna love you.
Huh, Tarzan. Did you know they made trees
tall enough to swing from Tampa...
...to motherfucking Miami, huh? Unh!
Yeah. My main man.
The moon is just a chip shot away,
brother, heh.
A chip shot away. Fuck, yeah.
l got to let it sink in, man.
We're really doing this?
Oh, fuck, yeah, we're doing this, man.
This is our time.
All right. All right.
Listen, man. l couldn't even have dreamed
all this shit up without you.
We're gonna do it together,
we're gonna do it just like we always said.
-Seven-point-five across the board--
-You meant to say 1 0, didn't you?
Congrats, Kid.
Thanks, man.
Heh, you know, if you ever want to go
in on a pack with me....
Mike's not interested,
but we can go halfsies.
l could make it worth your while.
Yeah, sure.
[TOBlAS LAUGHS]
-l'll talk to you later about it, okay?
-Yeah.
ADAM:
Who is that?
MlKE:
Nora.
l don't think you need that in your life, bro.
Heh, hey, baby girl, what are you doing?
Huh?
No, l'm at, uh-- l don't know, l'm at this party.
lt's getting lame.
l want to get out of here.
How about l, uh, come scoop you up?
l can bring you a present.
What?
-What thing?
DALLAS: Boom!
l got a thing.
Come on, you ain't--
All right.
Okay. All right, l'll call you later.
This is Herman.
ADAM:
Hi, Herman.
He likes you.
KEN:
Hey, y'all. lt's all right.
ADAM:
Hey, man.
NORA:
We'd like to order.
KEN:
All right.
[KEN CLEARS THROAT]
-That pig is so fucking cute.
WOMAN: Heh.
KEN:
Angels or demons?
NORA: Angels.
KEN: Angels. Okay.
KEN: lf you chew it, it'll hit you quicker.
WOMAN: Heh.
KEN: You're gonna fucking love this one.
ADAM: Yeah.
Yeah, fucking Miami, man.
Heh, fucking Miami.
[ADAM SlGH]
[KEN SlGHS]
KEN:
How you kids doing tonight?
WOMAN:
That storm is crazy, huh?
KEN: Beautiful.
NORA: Mmm....
[SlGHS]
KEN:
My wife's tits are awesome, right?
ADAM:
What?
KEN:
l said my wife's tits are awesome.
Yeah.
Check them out, man.
ADAM: You fucking joking?
-l'm not fucking joking. Check them out.
Feel them. They're so fucking, heh, amazing.
[KEN'S WlFE CHUCKLES]
Come on.
[CHUCKLES]
KEN:
lt's okay. Go ahead, man.
-They're real, l swear.
ADAM: Yeah, l bet they are.
[CHUCKLES]
See?
-Heh.
-This is okay?
lt's okay with me, man. She loves it.
ADAM:
l fucking love you.
No, man, l love you.
ADAM: You don't understand.
-l love you.
No, l fucking....
l fucking love you, man.
KEN: l love you, man.
You're such a fucking special soul.
ADAM:
l love you.
KEN'S WlFE:
l love you too.
[TYPlNG ON KEYBOARD]
[ADAM WHlSTLES]
[CAR HORN HONKlNG]
MlKE:
ls she even home?
ADAM:
Brooke!
MlKE:
Hi.
ADAM:
What do you think?
BROOKE:
ls it yours?
ADAM:
ls it mine? Fuck, yeah, it's mine.
BROOKE:
lt's very you.
Come on. Let's go.
We're going to celebrate.
Come on.
-Come on.
-Come on.
Come on. Come here. Come on.
-Are you calling me like a dog?
MlKE: What, huh?
-Are you calling me like a dog?
ADAM: Who did that?
You want me to say something to him?
-Ha, ha.
MlKE: l'll say something to him.
-Okay, so l've seen the stripping.
-Yup.
Tell me about being an entrepreneur.
lt's "entrepreneur" actually. lt's, uh, French.
You know about the roofing,
and l got a mobile-detailing thing.
But the whole endgame is the custom
furniture business l'm trying to start.
Custom furniture? So you must be really
good with your hands.
-l did not say that.
-Yes, l did.
But l'm glad you made that point.
lt's very insightful, actually.
-That's a lot of stuff.
-Yes, it is.
lf you could wake up and do the one thing
that would make you the happiest....
-The happiest?
-Yeah, money aside.
l would wake up on the beach somewhere
just making stuff every day.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Really? Tables and chairs,
that kind of thing?
Anything. Everything.
But custom, one-of-a-kind stuff.
Not the knock-off stuff you see
in people's kitchens from time to time.
Hey. l don't have
a custom furniture-maker man.
-Well, now you do.
-Okay? Heh.
-So are you in business? Why aren't you?
-Heh.
l will be as soon as the banks start making
the competitive rates and loans.
Look, l've been saving for six years.
Why do you think l'm doing
all these stupid businesses...
...and the stripping? l've saved about 1 3
grand. lt's gonna happen eventually.
-Wow, 1 3. That's a lot of ones.
-Heh.
There were some fives in there.
No 20s?
You don't want to know
what l have to do for 20s.
-l don't.
-Let's drink these and l'll show you.
-BROOKE: No, that's okay, heh.
MlKE: Heh.
So, Miami, huh?
Mm-hm.
-Don't be mad.
-l'm not mad.
l'm not trying to tell him what to do.
l just don't like it.
Did you just...? l want to clear something up.
Did you just take my advice?
By not telling him what to do?
No. l just don't have a choice.
-l think that was something l said to you.
-What, you want some credit?
-Are we fighting?
-Ha, ha.
ls this our first fight?
Come on. Let's make up.
-l don't like being mad at you.
-Look at that face.
-l really don't like being mad at you.
-You guys are going to have fun in Miami.
[CHUCKLES]
Just try not to forget
about the normal people.
Like the people who exist in the daylight.
The non-vampires.
-So you're not a vampire?
-No, l'm not a vampire.
Well, this is not going to work out
at all between you and l.
[BROOKE LAUGHS]
-A thing for vampires, heh?
-Yeah. Got a bit of a thing.
You want to get something to eat
sometime?
l don't know, just like get some food?
What do you mean, like a date?
No. lf you don't want to call it that, no.
l don't know.
Why? Because of what's-his-name
that moved to Orlando?
Paul?
-Yeah. Paul and l are figuring things out.
-Hmm.
How's that going, heh?
-Are you going to weigh in on that too?
-No.
Plus, l don't exactly sport-fuck
my brother's stripper friends.
l'm sorry, who said anything about that?
l was just talking about talking
and being friends.
lf you want to talk,
my door is always open, Mike.
ADAM:
Are you trying to hit on my sister?
MlKE: No. l'm sorry, and if l was,
what the hell are you going to do about it?
Whoa, brother.
[ADAM LAUGHS]
-Not me. Her.
BROOKE: Heh.
Oh, my God. Come on, let's do one more.
One more, come on.
Dude, l would love to, but we can't.
You get Dallas' text?
We got a sorority in like a half hour.
BROOKE:
A sorority?
Five hundred bones to rub our nuts...
-...on some girl's chest.
-Adam, l see what's happening here.
MlKE: l ate a Kappa just like this.
l ate a Kappa. l ate a Kappa.
You guys are really.... Have a great time.
MlKE:
Come on. We gotta stop fighting like this.
BROOKE: Heh.
MlKE: We gotta stop fighting.
Just find your own way back.
l got the keys, right?
You do not have the keys.
Oh, shit, you do.
BROOKE: l have the keys.
MlKE: She's got the keys. We got to go.
[POP MUSlC PLAYlNG ON SPEAKERS]
MlKE: Good evening. You live here?
KlM: Yeah.
-Yeah? What's your name?
-Kim.
Kim, can you move back for me, please?
We keep getting complaints
of noise and underage drinking.
Gentlemen? Everybody's 21 here?
l might need to check some lDs,
unfortunately.
Can you accompany me in here, please?
Ladies, everybody's 21 here?
-Yeah.
-Yes?
She is definitely not 21 ,
l'm sorry. What's your birthday?
SORORlTY GlRL:
Uh, May 20th, 1 9....
That's what l thought. Put your hands
on the wall. Everybody sit.
We're going to be here for a while.
Can you please spread your legs for me,
ma'am?
You don't have anything sharp on you
that l can stick myself with, do you?
SORORlTY GlRL: No.
-Good.
Because l do.
[ALL SCREAMlNG AND CHEERlNG]
Did you see it?
Hey!
Did you give some Ecstasy to my girl?
No.
l said, did you give some Ecstasy
to my chick?
Hey, fuck off.
Okay. Cool.
[ALL SCREAM]
[BOTH GRUNTlNG]
Hey!
MlKE: Hey, back the fuck up. We got to go.
Let's go. Adam, let's go.
All right, back the fuck up.
Let's go. Let's go.
MlKE: Oh, what are you doing, man?
What the fuck are you doing...
...giving pills to girls
that you don't know?
ADAM: Shit, dude.
MlKE: You're lucky we got out of there.
ADAM: My backpack. We have to go back.
MlKE: Fuck your backpack.
ADAM: No, you don't understand.
lt has my fucking pills.
MlKE: Fuck your pills.
You're going to have to eat it.
Tobias fronted me pills.
Sell them off for some extra cash.
What the fuck are you doing taking--?
Front from Tobias?
Why is he giving you pills? How many?
Heh, l don't know, man.
Fucking like a hundred.
"Like a hundred," or a hundred?
That's a grand.
Have to pay every one of those back.
Fuck, dude. Fuck that. Guess what?
MlKE: What do you mean, "fuck that"?
ADAM: l got that equity, baby.
ADAM:
Dallas gave me that cut in Miami, whoo!
l don't even fucking care
about a fucking grand. Who cares?
Fuck. Damn, that was crazy shit.
Fuck.
[PEOPLE lN RESTAURAN CHATTERlNG]
ADAM: You bailing on me?
MlKE: Nope, not at all.
-Oh, my God. What are you doing here?
JOANNA: Hey.
l thought you were out of town,
like, forever.
Yeah, l decided to stay in town.
-Great. What's up, man? Mike.
-Ryan.
MlKE: Nice to meet you, sir.
-Nice to meet you.
Uh, Ryan, um, is my fianc.
What?
Are you fucking with me right now?
l'm gonna go hit the bathroom.
No. You guys sound like
you got a lot to talk about.
lt's time for me to go stare
in the mirror anyway.
-Nice meeting you. See you, babe.
-Yes, sir.
JOANNA:
Okay.
MlKE:
Hmm....
Okay. All right, l'm not exactly....
Okay. All right.
lt was good to see you.
DALLAS:
Well, lookie here what the cat dragged in.
TOBlAS;
Coo, what happened?
MlKE:
Uh....
lt was nothing. lt was fucked up. Sorry.
DALLAS:
"lt was fucked up"? "Sorry"?
MlKE: Mm-hm.
DALLAS: That's all you got to say?
l don't know. You really want to discuss it?
l take it you didn't collect.
Yeah, l'm sorry. l forgot to ask
for the money...
...as they were throwing beer bottles
at our heads.
lt's the last thing
l need for my reputation...
...before we make the big move, Mike.
l'm sorry.
Are we fucking your reputation up?
DALLAS:
Hmm.
The last time l checked,
l think it's the Kid and l's reputation...
...that's "making the big move"
for you, isn't it?
What the fuck did you say, buddy?
l don't know, you were standing six feet
away from me. You heard me.
Hey, you might want to check yourself,
old friend.
Nobody walks on water on my team.
Except for you, right?
Old friend.
Ah.
What are you thinking about?
Biting the hand that feeds you,
big dog, huh?
You don't fucking feed me, Dallas.
l can walk right out that door.
Right now.
And do a fuck of a lot better
than 7.5 percent.
l'm sorry, that used to be 1 0.
But you don't.
You didn't. And you won't.
Because you can't.
l can't? Okay.
DALLAS:
So you got to deal with what you got.
TOBlAS:
Hey, what's going on?
ADAM: That pack you gave me?
TOBlAS: Mm.
ADAM: lt's gone.
-That's great.
Gone.
ADAM:
lt's "gone" gone.
-You lost it?
-l'm sorry, man.
Fuck sorry. You got to take care of this.
ADAM:
We'll figure it out. lt's fine.
No, you need to figure it out.
ADAM:
Get the fuck off me.
Seniority don't mean shit around here, man.
You are worth the cash you
pry out of their fucking purses.
You know that better than anybody.
You want a bigger piece?
Come up with some fresher shit, man.
You're not getting any younger.
What the fuck are you doing?
l need you doing the sailor routine tonight.
l got four tables of Navy wives stageside.
-Get changed.
-Oh, no. l'm taking your advice.
Bringing you some fresher shit.
Seeing as l'm getting equity and all.
[ALL CHEERlNG]
[EXClSlON AND DATSlK'S "CALYPSO"
PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
TlTO:
Perfect date time.
TARZAN:
Give me the astronaut thing.
RlCHlE:
l met this guy....
KEN:
You got them going out there, Mike.
KEN:
Good job, man.
RlCHlE: He's met just about every single
Russian and American astronaut...
...that's ever been in outer space,
living or dead.
The first man in outer space...
...Russian. Yuri Gagarin.
TARZAN: Cosmonaut.
RlCHlE: He's the second one.
The first one died on reentry.
MlKE:
We're gonna get fucked up tonight, right?
BROOKE:
Mike.
BROOKE:
Mike, hello.
[BANGlNG ON DOOR]
BROOKE:
Open up.
BROOKE: Mike.
-All right. Hold on.
-Hey.
-Hey.
You have fun last night?
-What?
-Did you have fun last night?
Yeah, uh, what's up?
ls Adam here?
He left me weird-sounding voice messages,
sounded fucked up.
And now l can't reach him.
-Yeah, he's in here.
-Okay. Cool.
BROOKE:
Where is he?
MlKE:
Uh, he should be upstairs.
He's with somebody, though,
so, you know, l'd call out.
Kid.
Adam?
Adam. Adam.
MlKE: Fuck.
BROOKE: Adam.
MlKE:
Hey. Come here.
[ADAM GASPS]
MlKE:
Stop. He's fine, he's breathing.
Oh, my God, Adam.
What the fuck did he take?
Uh, probably just some G.
Open your eyes, dude.
-What the fuck did you do to my brother?
MlKE: Relax. Yo, Brooke.
He's breathing. He's fine.
Get the fuck off me, Mike.
l'll fucking kill you. l will fucking kill you.
-He's going to be fine, heh.
-He's not okay.
-Calm down.
-No, shut up. Shut up!
Shut up. l see you, Mike. l fucking see you.
You think you have your shit all figured
out, but l fucking see you.
You just need to relax.
You're acting fucking crazy. And l get it.
You are a bullshit,
-Okay. How about just get the fuck out?
-No problem.
Done. Adam, wake the fuck up.
Adam, please.
[WHlMPERlNG]
Adam, let's go. Come on, Adam.
BROOKE:
Adam. God.
Adam. Wake up. Adam, we have to go.
-Stop.
-No, Mike, this is my brother.
Brooke, let me please carry him out.
Stop.
[SOBBlNG]
l can't do this anymore, Adam.
You hear me?
TOBlAS:
Come on, let's go.
You guys need to stop already.
MlKE:
Motherfucker.
[ALL GRUNTlNG]
TOBlAS:
Mike? Get off of him. Hey.
Hey!
[ALL GRUNTlNG]
MlKE: Fuck off.
TOBlAS: l'm so sorry, primo.
Sorry? Fuck you, man.
What are you doing breaking
into my house?
TOBlAS:
l tried calling your cell, man.
My cell? Fuck my cell.
What are you fucking doing, man?
l told them not to break shit,
but they don't work for me.
That did a good job, didn't it?
TOBlAS: Look, man, l'm sorry.
We're looking for the Kid, okay?
Uh, so you brought them here?
-What are you looking for him for?
-He's late on his front.
And as you can see, he was due today.
lt's 1 00 pills. That's 1 000 bucks.
l think he's good for that, don't you?
No, no, no.
ls that what he told you? A hundred?
We went in on a whole pack, hombre.
A whole pack.
-What's his half?
-Ten grand.
MlKE: What?
TOBlAS: Ten grand.
l don't know if he lost it,
or if he's just being a fucking kid.
Either way, it doesn't matter anymore.
Okay?
Look, you got to--
What am l--?
l don't know, l can maybe sign over
the van...
...until he can figure out
something out.
Fuck, l don't know, man.
Come on, primo. The guys l'm rolling with,
they ain't about fucking paperwork, man.
TOBlAS: lf you want, l can talk to my guys
and we can try to get him another day.
And what the fuck would that do?
He doesn't have it.
Hey, look--
l just hate to see you doing this.
MlKE:
Just don't give him any more shit to sell.
No, that's fine.
He's starting to act like a real punk.
-One of us should talk to him.
-Well, you've done enough, haven't you?
l'll talk to him. lt's fine.
[GATE OPENlNG THEN CLOSlNG]
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]
[MlKE SlGHS]
Hey.
Um....
l'm looking for Adam.
He's not picking up his phone.
-ls he all right?
-Yeah, he's okay.
l mean, he doesn't live here anymore.
MlKE:
Where is he?
l'm not sure. l think he's with Nora.
Okay, cool. Just, uh, let him know
that l'm looking for him if you see him.
Ha, this is so much bullshit.
You know that, right?
This is really how we're going to end this?
Are you fucking serious?
-l said everything l needed to say.
-You had a lot to say yesterday.
You don't have anything else to say?
You want to add onto that?
You damn sure didn't let me talk,
so let me talk now.
l'm sorry that l fucked it up.
l didn't mean to do that.
l didn't want to fuck it up. l promised...
...that l would take care of him,
and l didn't, and l'm sorry about that.
You're the last person that l--
Yeah, l believe you...
...and l know you're basically
a good person.
Adam was...
...going to do whatever Adam wanted to do.
l just can't be around your lifestyle.
You can't be around my--?
l'm not my lifestyle.
That's who you think--?
That isn't fucking--
l'm not-- Am l Magic, uh--?
Am l Magic Mike right now talking to you?
l'm not my goddamn job.
That's not who--
That's not what l do. That's not me.
lt is what l do, but it's not who l am.
l'm not just--
That's why l want to go to Miami.
l don't want to fucking be
some 40-year-old stripper.
l want to own something.
l want to actually--
l've been trying to, this whole time--
So you don't believe anything
that l've said to you?
You don't-- Right now. Nothing. l'm just--
You don't believe any of it?
Mike, l think the question is,
do you believe it?
l just think that Miami is going to be
a bigger, badder version of this.
But good luck to you.
lf you believe it, good luck to you.
And Adam too.
But l'm going to be here.
Hey.
l, uh....
l want to say thank you about the money.
l know how much that shit meant to you...
...especially because of that furniture crap
you wanted to do.
[ADAM CHUCKLES]
l, uh....
l'm gonna pay you back every last cent.
l want you to know that.
All right.
Man, we're gonna look back in 20 years.
You're gonna be dead, probably...
...but l can look back in 20 years and look
at the shit that we've done together, man.
Fuck. Look where l was three months ago.
Three months ago.
Look at where l am now.
l can't thank you enough.
Fuck, man. l was nowhere.
l have money.
l can fuck who l want to fuck.
l have freedom, thanks to you.
And l'm having a fucking ball.
And we're going to have a fucking ball
in Miami, man.
So can you smile? Can you look at me?
l only have one thing to say.
And that is:
To my best friend.
A guy who has given me more in this
lifetime than l could ever ask for.
And to bright futures.
DALLAS [SlNGlNG]:
Ladies of Tampa
[CROWD WHOOPS]
The first time that you ever walked into my life
ln oh many ways you all became my wife
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
Ladies, yeah, I'm talkin' to you
[SPEAKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]
Ladies of Tampa
Even though we gotta go
There's one thing you gotta know
Ain't no matter
How much you love me for sure
Ooh, ooh, ooh
I'll always love you more
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
I'll always love you more than you know
You got me tied to a chain
I'm just a slave to your soul
And there ain't nothin' l can do about it
That's fo' sho
[CHEERlNG CONTlNUES]
Ladies of Tampa
[KlSS'S "CALLlNG DR. LOVE"
PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
DlCK: l could be a friend to you.
TARZAN: Ha, ha.
What about romance?
TlTO:
Hit them with the long arm of love, baby.
DlCK: My good friend, Andy.
TlTO: Ha, ha.
TARZAN:
l'm just saying you always put up a fight.
TlTO: l know what we could do:
Anaconda Part 3.
ADAM:
Hey, uh, what about--?
[CHEERlNG CONTlNUES]
DALLAS:
Whoo!
TlTO: Yeah.
-Motherfucker.
Dallas be riding again.
Whoo! lt's a fucking revival.
Huh!
Hot damn. lt feels good to be back
on that fucking horse again.
TlTO: That was the old stuff.
-Oh, shit.
TlTO:
Still got it.
Y'all ready to rock a little
and fucking rein them in?
ALL:
Yeah.
DALLAS:
Yeah.
Where's Mike?
He's gone.
DALLAS:
Mikey?
TlTO: He went back to take a piss.
He should be back any second.
Mikey's gone.
DALLAS:
What do you mean, he's gone?
l thought he was going to go take a piss
and he went out the back door.
TlTO:
Hey, Mike, yo.
TlTO:
Let's go, we're up.
He's coming back, man.
All right, come here.
You ready to be the man?
-Are you ready to be the man?
-Yes, l'm ready.
-l've been waiting for this for a long time.
-lt's all yours. Come here.
[DALLAS GRUNTS]
Start right fucking now.
Let's make it fucking count.
All the way. Let's go.
Kid's in, Mike's out.
Let's bring this motherfucker down
all the way to Miami. Let's go. Hey.
DALLAS:
All right, ladies. So we know we made fire.
We know we got fire,
now we got to make it rain.
Can you make it rain, ladies?
Can you make it rain?
Let's give it up for the last time
on this stage.
The one, the only, your very own,
the Cock-rocking Kings of Tampa.
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
BROOKE:
Hey.
What are you doing here?
MlKE:
Um....
Aren't you supposed to be at the show?
Can l, uh, um...?
l just need to talk.
Yeah, okay.
Come on in.
[CLEARS THROAT]
MlKE:
Um....
l, uh-- l just came by to--
Look, before you say anything...
...l just need you to know that...
...when you came by this morning,
Adam hadn't told me what you did for him.
And that was really a lot of money.
-You did not have to do that.
-l didn't do it for him.
Look, that's not even why l came by.
l just--
Ah, um, look, l'm not going to Miami.
-Really?
-Yeah. l think you're right. l'm done.
Wow.
What are you gonna do?
Heh, l don't know. l guess l need a new plan.
Do you want to get some food
and talk about it?
What, like a date?
Well....
What would Tall Paul say, huh?
Tall Paul can't say anything anymore.
l broke up with him.
He didn't like breakfast food?
Not as much as l do.
This is a good thing. ln that case,
l would love to get some breakfast.
Okay.
Let's go get something to eat.
The thing is l only go to one place.
lt's my favorite place.
They have the best omelets.
They know my order. l walk in...
...the food's basically on the table.
They'd help you out too.
Get some waffles for you, pancakes,
whatever you want.
l love waffles. Let's go there.
The problem is it doesn't open until 6 a.m.
That's like seven hours from now.
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
What could we do with seven hours?
[English - US - SDH]
DALLAS:
Let's fucking get it on right now. Let's go.
Come on. Come on.
Here. Here.
Now, l want to go over a few rules
with y'all tonight.
Ain't that all right?
Don't worry about it. Rule number one.
This is the
"What can you touch and not touch" rules.
Can you touch this?
No, no, no.
Second touch.
Can you touch this?
No, no, no.
And finally....
[WOMEN WHOOPlNG]
Last one, ladies. Can you touch this?
Can you ever touch this?
Well, that's who the law says
that you cannot touch.
[WOMEN GROAN]
But l think l see a lot of lawbreakers
up in this house tonight.
[AUDlENCE WHOOPlNG AND CHEERlNG]
And l don't see a cop in sight.
All right?
Oh.
[SNlFFS]
[TRlMMER WHlRRlNG]
You know, l gotta go commando today
because someone...
...ripped off my favorite pair
of panties last night.
[CHUCKLES]
-Hey. lt's not funny.
-Heh, oh, sorry, heh.
-They were my grandma's.
-They were not your grandma's.
They could have been.
Can you throw me, uh, that shirt right there?
Hey, what are we gonna do about her?
MlKE [WHlSPERlNG]:
l don't know.
What was her name again?
What? l don't--
l'm sorry. What's her name?
[WHlSPERS]
Uh.
You don't even know.
-l do.
-You found her. You have to remember her.
-l know her name.
-What is it, then?
lt's....
[SHOUTS]
Penelope.
[MlKE CHUCKLES]
Whatever her name was, she was fun.
JOANNA:
That's a cool table. Where'd you get it?
MlKE: That's just some old shit that blew up
on a beach after the last hurricane.
-You made that?
-Hmm?
You should sell these things.
Tsk, thank you. That's actually the idea.
Mike's Custom Furniture Concepts.
But the market hasn't really hit
the sweet spot yet.
Hm, l'm waiting for the bank to make
the competitive loans l'm looking for...
...and then l'll swoop in.
Cool.
l'm going to get out of here.
You guys are good?
What? You're just gonna leave us?
Yeah. What, are you gonna steal a bunch
of my shit or something?
Probably. That's what strangers do.
-Don't do that...maybe?
-Okay.
MlKE: Okay.
-Okay.
So l'm going to see you again?
Tsk, uh, yeah, probably.
l don't know. l'll, uh, call you.
Bye.
MlKE:
Where's George and the guys?
SAL: They fucked me and took another gig
last minute. So l got these guys.
MlKE:
Where'd you get them?
Uh, you know, ah, industry referrals.
MlKE: My dick. You got them off Craigslist?
SAL: Heh.
l can't have fucking union guys
around here...
...barking about benefits and shit.
Give me a break.
So, what am l supposed to do in there?
-Hey, you Sol? Sal. Adam.
-Sal.
Oh, Adam, how you doing? This is Mike.
You guys are gonna be working together.
Give me a minute?
l want to straighten something out there.
You can hop up there.
-You gotta be fucking kidding me.
-What?
He's wearing fucking tennis shoes.
He doesn't know--
Ah, heh, do me a favor, go up there
and do it for 14 bucks an hour.
l'm gonna do it for 20 bucks an hour.
[SAL SlGHS]
-l'll give you 1 8.
-Mm-mm.
Don't fuck with me.
You're like my son.
The son which you're gonna pay
$20 an hour.
MlKE:
What's up?
You ever, uh, tiled a roof before?
-No.
-Fuck.
How'd you get this job, anyways?
Craigslist.
And you put on your post
that you'd tiled houses before?
Yeah.
Right, ugh.
So, what do you got in your bag?
[CLEARS THROAT]
SAL: Why don't you open it up?
ADAM: There's nothing in it.
Why don't you open the fucking bag
before l open your fucking head up?
l got a nice ham, cheese sandwich....
You know how to read, huh?
One Pepsi a day. Read the cooler.
l'm gonna do my inventory.
lf l come up short, l'm coming right to you.
[CAR ALARM CHlRPlNG]
ls it dead?
ADAM:
What's that?
l can try to jump you off if you want,
but it's not the battery.
l think you're probably fucked.
MlKE:
Just tell them if they want to get into this...
...be up there. l'll see you at the Amp.
All right. Later.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG
ON CAR RADlO]
What are you doing? Stop. What the fuck
are you doing, man?
[MlKE SlGHS]
Sorry.
lt's new. lt's gonna stay new
if you don't rip off the damn plastic.
ADAM:
Why do you have that?
Because it protects it. l'm going to rip it off
when l'm ready to sell it.
lt'll be like brand-new.
Where are you from?
Citrus Springs.
Did you play ball?
ADAM:
Uh, yeah. Strong safety.
You don't look like a strong safety.
l gave that, uh, college thing the college try.
Didn't quite work out.
Couldn't resist the lure
of the roofing business?
Yeah, that and the lure
of my sister's couch.
ADAM: Can you do me a favor and drop me
off at my car tonight?
BROOKE:
No, l'm sorry. l'm going to dinner.
l can take you tomorrow morning, though.
What time do you have to be at work?
l need to talk to you about that, heh.
The foreman, uh...
...he accused me of stealing.
So l fucking quit.
-What?
-Yeah, but l have....
Well, l had that interview at T-Mobile.
So, uh, yeah. They asked me to wear
a fucking tie.
You know how l feel about wearing
a fucking tie.
Why don't you just wear a tie?
Sorry. You know what my rules are.
BROOKE:
Oh, God, brother.
[BROOKE SlGHS]
What? l also...
[SNlFFS]
...could do....
[MUMBLES]
-What?
-What?
-What did you say?
-What did you hear?
You're doing that thing.
You're doing that game.
-What game?
-No. You do that all the time.
lt's not working anymore.
-Talking about games, l could be a gamer.
-Oh, yeah.
-And l could sell it to people.
-You'll make so much money.
-l could be the voice of the game.
-Even more money.
l have a very good voice.
l do great impressions.
You do do good impressions.
What was the one you did last night?
-l'm not going to do it now.
-Heh, do it again. Do it again.
-No.
-Come on.
[lMlTATlNG ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER]
Listen to me.
[BROOKE LAUGHlNG]
These are my tortillas.
Get in the chopper.
John Connor, come with me.
-Argh!
-Okay. All right.
ln case that doesn't work out,
why don't you come to dinner with me...
...and Paul tonight?
You can ask him if any of his friends
have any job openings.
PAUL:
But sometimes people want to, you know...
...they think they're owed a lot more
than, uh, they deserve. So too bad. Bummer.
Uh, but, uh, you know, whatever. Sucks.
l just don't have to be the guy
that tells them, uh, you know...
...that they're, uh, not going to be able
to rebuild their houses. Um, anyway....
Uh, let's talk about something else,
you know.
You're right.
l'm sick of talking about Medicaid...
...and processing insurance forms as well.
l get it.
PAUL: Right.
-l get it.
Right. l mean, it's slightly different
when you're doing Medicaid claims...
...and when you're doing huge
property damage claims...
-...but l guess it's a similar kind of thing.
-Yeah.
Oh, wait, wait.
-Remember what l said?
-Hmm, l'm so sorry.
l just can't drive tonight.
l've been driving all weekend.
l'm sorry.
-No worries.
-l just forgot.
Someone will finish it, l think.
-There you go. There's a taker.
ADAM: l will.
-Tsk.
-Good?
Where are you going?
[ALL CHATTERlNG]
Uh, hey,
do you know who's spinning tonight?
Heh, uh....
-No. Sorry.
-All right.
[GlRL CHUCKLES]
Hey, Mike.
Mike.
Sorry, bro.
Hey, Mike.
-Hey, man.
MlKE: Yo.
-Heh, what's going on?
-What's going on, bro?
-Are you going in?
-Yeah, we're going.
Can l come with you?
Uh....
Pfft, dude, they're never gonna
let you in like that.
Come on. l'd do anything.
Heh, it's not my fault.
l'm just saying they're not gonna do it.
l would do it, but--
l don't think they're going to do it, bro.
All right.
All right?
Fuck. Okay, dude. Hey.
Um....
You're going to owe me.
-l promise, man--
-l mean, owe me.
No questions asked, owe me.
Anything.
Take your hood off. Try to look a little
more-- Tuck your fucking shirt in.
You got to not wear tennis shoes, bro.
George, dude, l got one.
l'm sorry. l know, l know.
Thanks, bro. l owe you.
ADAM:
Sorry, man. These are the only shoes l got.
[POP MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKER]
Hey, baby, mwah.
Can we borrow one of these?
Thank you. Grab one.
ADAM:
ls it free?
Don't worry, man, you're gonna earn
your keep.
So l got us a new recruit.
Ladies, meet the Kid. Portia, Ruby.
GlRLS:
Hey.
ADAM:
Heh, hey.
What are we thinking? Yes, no, maybe?
-Oh, yeah. The cougars will eat him up.
-Yeah?
That's a quality endorsement, my friend.
What do you guys do?
[GlRLS CHUCKLE]
-What?
-Come here. Come here.
Any time a girl tells you
her name starts with a flower...
...a car or a stone,
don't bother asking what she does.
You know what l'm saying?
All right, l ain't got that much time,
so l'm calling in my favor, all right?
Okay.
You see the girl with the tiara thing
and the sash?
[GlRLS TALKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]
ADAM: Yeah.
MlKE: Go talk to her.
What do you want me to say?
l don't care. Have you never talked
to a girl before? Just go talk to her.
Be creative.
She does not look like she wants
to be bothered.
Look at what she's wearing.
She came here tonight to be bothered.
Go bother her.
You want to be inside or outside?
lnside.
l'll come save you in a minute.
Get out of here.
l'm getting wasted tonight
if we could get a drink.
GlRL:
l know.
She's, like, ignoring the whole side
of this bar.
-Hey.
-Hey, Carla.
Um, oh....
Yo, man. Watch out, you're going to knock
my girlfriend.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah, what the fuck are you gonna do?
-Uh, hi. Do l know you?
-Hi.
Uh, no. l'm, uh...
l didn't know that l had a boyfriend,
but thank you for that.
Um, all the guys here are fucking obnoxious.
-Thanks for that.
-Heh.
Who do we have to fuck
to get a fucking drink?
Uh, me, please?
-You'd like that, wouldn't you?
-Uh, yes, l would.
We've been standing around here
for quite a while, and l'm 21 .
-lt's true.
-And l can't get drunk.
-You're 21 ?
-Yes.
Happy 21st. l'd buy you guys a shot if l--
-Don't worry about it.
-lt's fine.
Oh, Adam.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-l'm Liz. Hi.
-Hi, Liz.
What do you say, baby boy?
You want one?
l can't find anybody to take
these. Y'all want them?
-Perfect. We can't drink them all ourselves.
-Whoo.
Uh, here's to, um, our children.
May they have rich fucking parents, heh.
Heh, absolutely.
[COUGHS]
MlKE: Yes. Okay.
-Whoo.
-What, you guys go to USF?
-Yeah.
-Mm-hm.
-So it's summer break, correct?
-That's right.
-Whoo.
And if l'm not mistaken,
that says "21 ," right?
l am 21 , yes.
-Then why the fuck isn't she throwing up?
-Whoo.
-We can't get drinks.
LlZ: Ha, ha.
You can't get drinks? That's no excuse.
That's a bad friend you got.
l'm not a bad friend.
-You are a bad friend.
-l'm trying.
CARLA:
You are a bad friend.
See? You heard it from her.
l'm just saying.
-What are you guys planning on doing tonight?
-Ha, ha.
Wouldn't you like to know?
MlKE: Actually, l would, to be totally honest.
-Ha, ha.
lf you like to get a wee bit crazy,
why don't you come down and see the show?
CARLA: Are you serious? Wow.
MlKE: As a fucking heart attack.
We have a lot of friends here.
Can they come too?
MlKE: How many?
CARLA: Eight or nine?
MlKE:
That's perfect, actually.
Hand them these. Tell them
they get in free at the door.
Okay. Maybe we'll come.
No. That's not a commitment.
Maybe we'll come,
if your little friend here comes too.
ADAM: Me?
-Oh, "little friend."
That's an easy if,
because he will be there.
-He's absolutely gonna be there.
-l will?
LlZ:
Then we'll be there too.
All right. The show starts in 45 minutes.
You can make it in 45 minutes?
-You're going to come. You swear?
-Yeah, we promise.
ADAM: Dude. You're a fucking stripper?
MlKE: Ha-ha-ha.
l swear, l thought you were going
to shit the bed, but you, heh, actually did it.
Ah, l feel like l owe you.
l can throw you 1 00 bucks...
...tip you out at the end of the night...
-...if you really want to host.
ADAM: Host what?
MlKE:
Yeah. No, for sure.
-l hope you're ready for this shit.
-Ha, ha.
[WOMEN WHOOPlNG]
WOMAN:
Who's your friend, Mike?
[WOMEN LAUGHlNG]
MlKE: This is the owner. Jesus.
DALLAS: Whoo.
Fucking Valhalla shit, man, mwah.
You see that shit, Mike?
Chicks are gonna go fucking crazy
over this, man.
l'm thinking of giving this routine
to Tarzan, unless you want it.
MlKE: No. lt's not my style, but, uh,
somebody should do it. lt's cool.
-Oh, it's fucking really good, heh.
MlKE: Mm-hm.
Ah, who's this?
This is the Kid. Uh, he wrangled, like,
nine sorority girls for us tonight...
...so l figured
he could help out around here tonight.
DALLAS:
How old are you?
-Uh, nineteen.
DALLAS: Nineteen.
-The fuck am l supposed to do with that?
MlKE: Oh, come on. He don't look 1 9.
l can't have him host.
Can't have a 1 9-year-old
on the fucking street.
Then he can do props, can't he?
-l can do anything.
-We're setting up our own shit as it is.
All right. Props.
You're on props tonight.
Do whatever Mikey tells you,
any of the guys tell you.
Clean the fucking toilets, whatever.
Tonight. And listen up.
-This is not a fucking joke.
-Heh.
DALLAS: All right? lt's not a fucking hobby.
This is a serious business l'm running.
So the last thing l need
is a teenage liability fucking my future up.
-Don't try it. Yeah.
DALLAS: Capiche?
TARZAN: One thing about Waffle House pussy
is you got to worry about the teeth.
Waffle House pussy?
l hate Waffle House pussy, heh.
[ALL CHUCKLlNG]
Everybody, this is the Kid.
Y'all can thank me later.
He's going to help us out tonight.
This is Big Dick Richie, Ken, Tito
and Tarzan.
TARZAN:
Whoa, l get it.
Just tell him what props you need.
l'll help him set them up later.
And, uh, yeah. Have fun.
Make yourself at home, Kid.
There you go, bro.
[MEN GlBBERlNG]
-No, thanks, man.
-No?
-No. l'm good.
-Suit yourself.
You handed it to me like the Hindenburg.
-How long you been on the force?
-What?
The police. How long you been a cop?
l'm not a cop, man.
RlCHlE:
Ha, ha, just fucking with you. Sit down.
Come on, man, sit down.
[SlGHS]
TARZAN:
So how do you know Mike?
Uh, ahem.
We, uh, worked together on construction.
[KEN AND TlTO TALKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]
What kind of cash you make at that?
You all right, man?
What kind of cash you make?
Like 1 0 bucks an hour.
Under the table?
Yeah.
Hmm, not bad.
So you're here to help us out?
Yes, l am.
All right, so we got your first little piece
of business...bam.
That look ashy to you?
-What's that, man?
-That look ashy?
Heads up.
Just give it a little-- Just a little spray
on that calf there.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
Dude, l don't want to spray your leg.
Just do it.
We all had to do it, man.
lt's like the initiation.
Lord of the Flies. Come on.
Come on, Kid. lt's all right.
We'll tip you out good at the end
of the night. You'll be a happy man.
-Uh.
-Make sure you massage it in good.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah.
[TARZAN CHUCKLES]
He fucking did it too.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Oh, you're all right, man. You're all right.
DALLAS:
Take this front-row table right here, ladies.
You got your lD on you?
You got your lD? Heh. You're not drinking
a Shirley Temple tonight, are you?
No. We've already had a few drinks, so....
No Roy Rogers, no Shirley Temples.
Y'all have a great time.
We do a group act first, then we do our
solos, then we do hot seats.
lf everything goes well
and we get these girls jacked up...
...then we jack up the price of the hot seats,
so don't fuck it up.
Dude, it's easy.
All you got to do is hand us...
...our props before we go out on-stage.
All right? That's it. That's all you got to do.
You bring out whatever props
and everything-- There he is.
[SPEAKlNG lN SPANlSH]
This is Tobias. He is our resident DJ.
Tobias, the Kid.
He's gonna be the one...
...giving you the cue
before each act.
-Pre-game. That's what l'm talking about.
-lt's the love potion.
-What is this? Strawberry?
-What is that?
lt's a little mixture.
ln, uh, Miami, we call it Hey Juice.
Hey Juice. Because if you drink
the whole bottle, "Hey." You'll like it, man.
[MlKE COUGHS]
Give it a sample.
You can't drink, so you want half a cap?
[ADAM STAMMERS]
ADAM:
l don't know what the fuck it is.
MlKE: lt's just G. lt's basically like getting
drunk without all the calories.
-All right.
-You sure?
[SPEAKlNG lN SPANlSH]
DALLAS:
All right, all right, all right.
[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]
DALLAS:
Whoo!
Yeah.
How are we feeling tonight, ladies?
Let me hear it one more time. Come on.
lt's gonna rain. Rain gonna come down
and cleanse our soul and wash away the ash.
So get out your purses and get ready
to spend some motherfucking cash.
Welcome to the stage,
the one, the only...
...the Cock-rocking Kings of Tampa.
[THE WEATHER GlRLS' "lT'S
RAlNlNG MEN" PLAYlNG ON SPEAKERS]
[WOMEN CHEERlNG]
[ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
[DRUMBEAT]
Ooh, aah. Ooh, aah.
Ooh, aah.
[YELLS]
DALLAS:
Tarzan.
[TARZAN WHOOPlNG]
Tarzan?
DALLAS:
Where the fuck is he?
[ALL SPEAKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]
DALLAS:
Motherfucker. What the fuck, man? Tarzan.
Fuck, man.
Motherfucker.
How many fucking times, huh?
[DALLAS SlGHS]
Ken, S&M routine. You up on that?
Can you do that?
l'm not putting that out there.
Negative energy.
Not putting what out there?
The negative energy. lt's bad.
lt comes back.
You're kidding me.
Richie, the, uh, fire-breathing gig, huh?
You up for that?
No. l got the fire-phobia issue.
[SlGHS]
Tito. Anything, man.
South of the border fucking shit...
...you've been doing at home.
l'm working on something,
but it's not ready yet. lt's not ready.
All right.
We got to do something.
Mikey, what you got?
-l just came off-stage. l can't.
-An idea. Give me something.
-You go out then.
-l'm not hitting the fucking floor. Come on.
-You want me to come up with something?
-Fuck, yeah.
l hope you can dance.
You still owe me. Come on.
[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]
[BOTH WHOOPlNG]
MlKE: Just start taking
your clothes off. Walk out there.
What are you looking at Dallas for?
Don't. Look at them.
[MADONNA'S "LlKE A VlRGlN" PLAYlNG
OVER SPEAKERS]
MlKE:
Just start, bro.
Yeah, perfect, perfect. Go, go, go.
There you go.
[AUDlENCE SCREAMlNG AND CHEERlNG]
Whoo!
All right, all right, all right.
Let's give it up for the Kid.
Popped his cherry on-stage tonight.
You know what time it is.
lt's time for the hot seat.
You know what that means,
the orgy's over, ladies.
Time for some one-on-one time
with the man of your dreams.
-Five dollars a pop.
-Come here.
That's good.
Welcome to the crazy club, Kid.
DALLAS:
Come on. Everybody. Line up, line up, line up.
RlCHlE:
Yeah, man. Whose big dick is that?
TlTO:
Whoo.
MlKE: l love it.
TlTO: Hey, where's the Kid? Kid. Kid.
MlKE: Look at this saggy underwearing,
all-star right here.
Go buy yourself fresh drawers.
He put that kiss on her and
pouring money out of their hands.
DALLAS:
Aaah!
Never kiss the girls, Kid.
That's Performer 1 01 .
You gotta watch out for herpes.
That too.
But tonight you took a chance
and it paid off. l like that.
Fucking worked.
l got you your money.
That ain't my money, big boy.
That's your money.
Every man keeps every dollar
he makes on that stage.
Plus the 50 that l owe you. All right?
Look, get ready to work, big boy.
lt ain't gonna be that easy every time.
-Yes, sir.
-Fucking worked, whoo!
MlKE:
Ho!
DALLAS:
Ken, nice fucking robot.
Mike lays it out. Tito bringing in the south
side with some brown skin.
Big Dick, they are still devastated
by your cock.
RICHIE: It was loke 25 percent dancong,
-What--?
-Eh, Mike sold it up real nice.
How about you're forgetting 25 percent
more genius?
-Genius, Kid.
-How we do tonight, Mikey?
Uh, it's a little under $2500.
Uh, that's 400 better than last week.
That'll work.
-And my, uh, cut of the door.
-Yes, sir.
That was dangerous shit
you pulled tonight...
...throwing that kid out
on the plank like that.
[MlKE CHUCKLES]
lt worked though, didn't it?
Shit. l didn't know if it was,
till he hit the floor.
[lNDlSTlNCT DlALOGUE]
MlKE: He pulled it out.
DALLAS: Yeah. What's his story?
l don't know. l mean, l met him
at the site today.
Ran into him at Ybor.
Those two little pretty ones over there...
...were all hot and bothered,
so l figured l'd bring him along.
lt was a good move, heh.
He may have something, brother.
He's young, good-looking....
-He can't dance for shit.
-Cannot dance for shit, that is teachable.
We could use some more youth
on the team.
Why don't you bring him to practice
tomorrow and we'll see what he's got?
So, what the fuck is going on with Miami?
Miami, ah, is looking good.
l got a couple loopholes
l got to get through...
...with the, uh, real-estate attorneys.
But after that it's gonna be all green lights.
-What you need from me? What's my side?
-Just keep doing what you're doing.
l love where your head's at.
You're focused.
You're like a big brother
to this team.
Keep that up, you could be making
a lot more than door money.
l guarantee you that.
Both ways this time, though, right?
-Two-way street.
-l want to hear you say the word: Equity.
DALLAS: E-Q-...
-Say it.
DALLAS: ...-U-l-T-Y.
-Say it.
[lNDlSTlNCT DlALOGUE]
[GASPS]
[MlKE LAUGHS]
[ADAM COUGHS]
ADAM:
Oh.
-Hey, Mike.
-Huh?
l think, uh....
l think we should be best friends.
Okay, heh.
Let's go, heh.
MlKE: So how pregnant
did you get that girl's mouth?
ADAM:
Uh, wet? Heh.
Fucking great.
Good morning.
ADAM: Hi, sis.
-Hi.
-Brooke, this is Mike, uh....
-Oh, thank you. Mike, this is Brooke.
-Brooke. Absolute pleasure. Hi.
-Mike.
MlKE:
Are you a nurse?
l'm a medical assistant.
l process nurses' paperwork.
MlKE:
Way cooler.
Sure. Sure.
Oh, nice, dude. ls this one of those retro
Wakefield, or is this a Russel Wright?
Oh, it's a knock-off. That's cool, though.
Where did you get this?
Uh, apparently the knock-off place.
MlKE:
Heh, right.
-So how do you know my brother?
MlKE: Uh, he's on my roofing crew.
But l'm, uh, an entrepreneur, though.
l, uh, manage a few businesses.
Sure.
Sure, cool. Cool.
So the Kid said something
about breakfast.
Uh, well, he must be fucking drunk
because l don't cook no fucking breakfast.
l wasn't talking about you cooking it.
He just said you like breakfast food.
We were going to swing by lHOP
on the way--
Okay uh, good talk.
Um, l'll be outside with the rest
of the breakfast lovers of the world.
[CHUCKLES]
All right, Kid.
DALLAS:
Virgin dance the other night. No more.
You only have a cherry pop one time.
Now look, you walked out on-stage,
you looked like shit, all right?
When l saw something
is when you got off-stage.
Pulled a one-on-one with that chick.
l'll show you what you're gonna do.
Now, let's go to the basics.
Take your clothes off.
-Right now?
-Right now. Take them off.
Every fucking one of them. Let's go.
Let's go. Take them off.
-Heh.
-Hang on. What the fuck are you doing?
Heh, what are you, a 12-year-old
in the locker room?
No.
-Then what are you doing?
-Heh, taking off my clothes.
You're taking off your clothes
like a 12-year-old.
But you're not a 12-year-old
in the locker room. You are the man.
On the stage. Thousands of women.
Eyes on you. You are their vision.
So, what do you do?
You don't just fucking throw your clothes off.
You fucking make it count, baby.
You walk out. You own it.
You look around. You tease.
You seduce.
Clock eyes,
but don't lock in on any of them.
You got to believe that you are inside
every single one of them.
And when the time's right,
then you'll know it.
Foom!
Stick it. That right there
is like hitting the G-spot, every single time.
Now get up there, move around.
You see, baby, you're not just stripping.
You are fulfilling every woman's
wildest fantasies. All right?
You are the husband that they never had.
You are that dreamboat guy
that never came along.
You are the one-night stand,
that free fling of a fuck...
...they get to have, tonight, with you on-stage,
still go home to their hubby...
...and not get in trouble...
...because you, baby, you made it legal.
You are the liberation.
Own it. Who's got the cock?
You do, they don't.
Get right here. Move slow. Around.
Fucking concentrate.
Round, round, round.
Make this shit count.
Ain't time for a fucking fag joke
in here, boy. l'm talking about money.
Move around, round, round.
Get the movements. Breathe.
All right. Easy, rattlesnake.
On three, you're going to stick it.
One, two, three, stick.
That's the hook, baby.
That's the fucking hook.
That's what l'm talking about.
All right?
[ADAM EXHALES]
You can do this, because l know you can.
-l can do it.
-Now, take a breath.
[ADAM EXHALES]
Fuck that mirror like you mean it.
MlKE:
"All right, all right, all right.
Heh, we got the Kid coming up
on the main stage." Hi, Beatrice.
Are you ready? Dallas gave me the go-ahead
on getting you suited up. You ready?
Yeah.
Why do you look scared for?
You already lost your virginity.
All you got to do now is get good at it.
We got to get you an American flag
Star-Spangled Banner...
...for Fourth of July summertime.
Dude. This has no back.
MlKE:
Yeah. That's the point. lt's a thong.
What the fuck is this?
[SQUEAKS]
Stay away from the elephant socks, bro.
That's Dallas shit.
You don't want to look like him, do you?
What's Dallas's deal, man?
ls he, uh, a good guy?
MlKE:
Yeah. Dallas is.... Dallas is Dallas.
l mean, it's pretty cool that he let me in.
MlKE:
Yeah. lt's cool that he let you in.
Look, we think you got something.
l'm not exactly sure what that is just yet...
...but, uh, all we know is you got a lot of work
to do. So don't quit your day job yet.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]
BROOKE:
Adam.
-Get out here. l need to talk to you.
-What do you want?
BROOKE:
l want to talk to you, man. Get the fuck out.
-Get out, Adam.
-l'll be out in a minute, please. One sec.
BROOKE:
Adam, l need to fucking talk to you.
What about?
Um, About this box.
l need to talk to you about this box...
[WHlSPERS]
Oh, fuck me.
...of boots and thongs and sailor hats
and tube socks. And l am fucking--
lt's for work.
BROOKE:
For work? Adam, don't fucking lie to me, man.
l'm your sister. l love you.
l don't judge you.
You're my brother. Just please come out
here so l can talk to you.
l don't care what your preferences are.
-Preferences?
BROOKE: l just want to talk to you about--
Whoa, hey.
lt is not what it looks like.
BROOKE:
ls that my razor?
Yeah.
Are you shaving your fucking legs?
Yeah, l'm shaving my legs.
Why are you shaving your legs?
lt's for work. Okay?
What do you mean, it's for work?
How could it possibly be for work?
[MEN HUMMlNG]
[HOOFBEATS APPROACHlNG]
[HORSES NElGH]
[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]
[NATlVE AMERlCAN THEMES
PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
[GUNSHOTS OVER SPEAKERS]
[BlG & RlCH'S "SAVE A HORSE (RlDE A
COWBOY)" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
Ma'am, excuse me.
You're going to have to move it down.
This is the breakfast lovers' section.
Here we go.
Hi, Mike.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Entrepreneur/stripper?
Stripper/entrepreneur?
Either one. lt's fine.
You really just came down
to see little brother?
No, l was hoping this was all a joke.
lt is pretty funny.
You better take care of him, Mike.
Okay, Mom.
l'll take care of him.
You should stick around, though.
DALLAS: All right, all right.
Let's give it up for the Kid, huh?
Bang. A six-shooter for you. There we go.
This next performer who's coming out...
...he's one of a kind, ladies.
[ALL SCREAMlNG]
l saw this young man walking down
the street about six years ago...
...and l knew when l saw him,
l just knew l had to bring him in.
Bring him in and have his talents
be shown to the universe.
And tonight, he's going to be right here
on this stage...
...so you can see with your very own eyes.
Our feature presentation,
the one and only...
...the star of the show, Mr. Magic Mike.
[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]
[GlNUWlNE'S "PONY"
PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Did you see your sister tonight?
ADAM: See my sister? What do you mean?
-Yeah.
Your sister was there.
No, she wasn't.
Yeah, she was there during your act.
You talked to my sister?
l talked to your sister as you were
dry-humping a girl, yes.
My sister saw me dance?
Heh, yeah, we were actually laughing.
l had a pretty good laugh about it.
-Oh, heh, wow. Fuck.
-Ha, ha.
She did not look happy.
Did you tell her to come?
l told her. l didn't think she'd fucking come.
Jeez.
Well, she did. l don't know how long
she stayed for, but it was, uh....
-She, ha, ha, looked pissed.
-Ha, ha, oof.
How much money did you make tonight?
-How much money?
-Yeah.
Like 230.
Two-thirty? That's good, man.
Oh, by the way, l got this for you.
Uh, just for gas and shit.
-Get the--
-Ha, ha.
Are you kidding me?
Keep your money. lt's fine.
-You drive me around.
-l can pay for my own gas.
lt's fine. Thank you, though.
lt was a really sweet gesture. l appreciate it.
Thank you.
MlKE:
That's a beautiful necklace.
-ls that vintage?
-Oh, l, um....
No, it's.... No, it's, heh....
My sister got it for me, ha, ha
from Target, l think.
Um, tsk, SBA, yes, uh....
Name and Social.
Absolutely. Michael Lane.
...brought the funds
for my down payment.
-Yes. Yeah, heh.
-Heh.
Okay.
All right.
We seem to have a credit issue, Mr. Lane.
Your score is--
Right. l, uh, actually...
-...heh, l talked to Mr. Rodriguez last week.
-Oh.
As l was explaining to him, the businesses
that l manage deal exclusively in cash.
He said you would forego the credit check
if l brought in a healthy down payment.
lt should be noted in there.
He said he was going to put it in.
Absolutely.
Um, you are currently the manager
of an automotive accessories business?
Mm-hm, absolutely. And an event-management
company, a roofing firm, heh.
Honestly, the list goes on.
-Wow, you're a busy guy.
-Ha, ha. Yeah.
Lucky to be.
So, what kind of rates am l looking at?
There are ways to clear these credit issues
up over time, but--
Oh, my God, l haven't even told you, heh,
what l'm here for. l really apologize.
This is what l do.
Right here.
Michael Lane Custom Furniture Concepts.
lt's competitive pricing. Low overhead.
l mean, really, who wants to buy
that crap when it falls apart in a year...
...when you can get hand-crafted furniture
for a bargain?
-You know what l mean?
-Yeah.
Unfortunately, Mr. Lane,
my hands are tied.
The company has a policy
that we cannot issue loans...
...to clients who score below
our credit threshold.
l can absolutely understand
where you're coming from.
Uh, you know, you hit buttons and you think
that you know something about me.
l get it. That's okay. lt's okay.
All, uh, l'm asking for is a good deal.
Please, can you help me with that?
l mean, we do offer relief programs...
...for our qualified distressed clients,
so that--
l'm sorry. What?
lt's a relief program, so--
Distressed? l'm distressed?
WOMAN: No. No, not like that.
-Heh.
Sweetheart, listen. lt's okay. lt's fine.
Does this look distressed?
l don't think so, one.
Two, l read the papers, okay?
The only thing's that distressed is y'all.
[DOOR BELL RlNGlNG]
[BROOKE SlGHS]
BROOKE:
You can't get the door?
[SlNGlNG "HAPPY BlRTHDAY"
AS MARlLYN MONROE]
Happy birthday
Mrs. Pres--
[TOOTS HORN]
BROOKE:
Oh.
Adam, it's for you.
Happy, heh, Birthday, heh, pfft.
Ha, ha. Come on. Let's go. Sandbar party.
Fourth of July, nuts-on-your-head
wake-up call, let's go. Come on.
No, no, no. You are coming too.
Don't even try.
l'm going to go to bed.
lt's 7 in the morning.
"Oh, it's 7 in the morning.
l hate fun."
Jesus Christ, you better have
some epic plans...
...if you're gonna turn your back
on a sandbar party.
What did l tell you?
-Paradise.
-Heh.
Yeah. Paradise. Marooned on an island
with all the strippers in Tampa.
How did l get so lucky?
The best Fourth of July ever, heh.
l literally was just thinking...
-...that in my head, like just now.
-Ha, ha.
Get out of my head.
MlKE: Oh, shit. Yo.
-Hey.
-What are you doing here?
-You know me. Always making new friends.
-Good to see you.
-You too. How are you?
l'm good. Uh, this is, um, Brooke.
-Hi.
-Oh, hey.
Brooke, uh, Joanna.
-Nice to meet you.
-You too. l like your bikini.
Thank you. You too.
-ls that a tattoo?
-Yeah.
What does it say?
-Oh, uh, it just says l was 1 7, and....
JOANNA: Ha, ha.
Yeah.
lt's crazy.
Yeah. Uh, so l know, uh, Joanna from the club.
Uh, she came up--
She studied psychology
and she came up to do, uh....
What's the thing you
came up to do?
Behavior analysis.
Right. She was analysizing our behavior,
apparently.
That must have been, uh,
really enlightening.
lt actually was. You know, l go a few times
a week, if you want to come with us.
She is actually the Kid's brother.
l mean, sister.
-Yeah, heh. Ha, ha.
-Right. Ahem.
-ls that a tattoo over there too?
-Yeah.
She has tattoos. You want a drink?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah?
-lt was nice to meet you.
-lt was nice to meet you too.
She's cute. What? l don't normally like
blonds, but she's really cute.
Yeah, but she's not really our type.
You know what l'm saying?
You're not into her?
No, that's not what l'm saying.
l'm saying she's a little uptight.
We're fucking her,
not taking her to dinner.
lt's not gonna happen.
-She's a dinner type, is what l'm trying to say.
-Oh.
Okay, if you decide you want to share...
...and change your mind and put some
effort into it, you know my number.
Besides, you know how much l love to eat.
Yes, l will.
Obviously you don't like head.
[ALL CHATTERlNG]
l started cheating in the seventh grade
just to entertain myself.
Finished high school, but if l could do it
all over again...
...l wouldn't have even gone. No way.
BROOKE:
You don't believe in school at all?
l think fuck school altogether.
When l have a kid,
l'm going to set him in front of the TV...
...and make him watch Mad Money all day.
Teach him about the stock market.
Get him into Ameritrade
and shit like that.
l guarantee you by the time he's 1 8,
that little fucker's gonna be flush in cash.
RlCHlE: Boo-yah!
-Heh.
-l don't know why more people don't do that...
DALLAS: Hm?
...just from an investment standpoint.
That's the state of the country, man.
America. People. Stupid.
l hope l get to meet your kids someday.
DALLAS:
Tsk, Oh, no problem.
Come visit anytime
in one of our three cool houses, dear.
[CHUCKLES]
MlKE: Hey, if you want, l could probably
get Dallas' number for you.
He's starting
this new life-coaching business...
[BROOKE LAUGHlNG]
...that l really do think you might benefit
from personally.
l mean, l saw the connection
between the two of you.
What? l'm sorry.
Right? So you felt it too?
What? Just, what?
What would his kids even look like?
They'd be running around
in little rattlesnake diapers and shit.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Look, don't, uh, they just say stupid shit
sometimes. Don't let them bother you.
Oh, no, it didn't bother me.
l'm just trying to wrap my mind
around Adam and this whole mess.
l get it. l don't know how
l fit into this whole mix, either.
No. You-- When you're on-stage,
it all makes sense.
l mean, the way you dance
and the way the women respond to you....
Wait a minute. So that means
someone might have stuck around.
That's good to know.
Yeah.
That feeling.... That must be a really
crazy feeling to be on-stage...
...like that. l see why you've been doing it
for so long. l get it.
-But Adam's different. He's....
-Why is that?
Well, he had a football scholarship.
A year ago, he basically ruined it
by getting...
...in a fistfight with his coach
in the first hour of the first day.
-Yeah. l think he said something about that.
-Yeah.
So l just don't--
l'm just trying to figure out...
...why he's stripping.
-"Why" is easy.
-What do you mean, it's easy?
-You want some stripper wisdom?
-Okay.
-You ready?
-Yeah.
He's 1 9 years old.
lt's women, money and a good time.
l guess. l guess.
l got him.
Okay?
Okay.
-You gonna come to the show tonight?
-No.
-You're gonna come.
-No.
-You just said you liked the show.
-Doesn't mean l'm gonna go again.
-But you said--
-l'm not, heh, going. l've seen it.
MlKE: Does that mean you were lying?
BROOKE: l'm not lying.
[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]
[DRUMS PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
[SlNGlNG]
l do know and l've been told
ALL:
l do know and l've been told
Big Dick Richie got a cock of gold
ALL:
Big Dick Richie got a cock of gold
Now, let's give it up for the Virgin Kid
ALL:
Let's give it up for the Virgin Kid
Anything you want, he won't forbid
ALL:
Anything you want, he won't forbid
Now, Mikey got a pipe you gonna love
ALL:
Mikey's got a cock you know you gonna love
What he got down low fits like a glove
ALL:
What he got down low fits like a glove
Soldiers, sound off
ALL:
One, two
-Sound off
ALL: Three, four
ALL:
One, two, three, four, one, two...three, four
[HlGH-TEMPO MUSlC PLAYlNG]
ALL:
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
[GUNFlRE ON SPEAKERS]
[DRUMBEATS ON SPEAKERS]
[ADAM CLEARS THROAT]
[MlKE CHUCKLES]
MlKE:
Oh, don't do that. Don't do that.
l didn't-- He did that himself.
l'm bringing him home.
BROOKE:
Hey, brother bear.
[MlKE GRUNTS]
BROOKE: Thank you.
MlKE: He's just stoned out of his mind.
Heh, yeah, um, um....
MlKE:
Hi.
MlKE: What's up, dude?
Yeah, we, we-- My bad. We, uh....
BROOKE: Yeah.
MlKE: All right. l'll see you later.
What's up, dude?
[WHlSPERlNG]
ls that Paul?
BROKE [WHlSPERlNG]: Yeah. lt's-- Yeah.
MlKE: lt is?
[lNAUDlBLE]
MlKE: lt's going good?
BROOKE: Yeah, it's good. Just, heh, go on.
Hey, l-- uh, thanks.
Thanks for bringing him back.
l told you l was going to take care of him,
didn't l?
BROOKE: Watch yourself.
MlKE: All right, heh.
[SlGHS]
So, uh, l don't know,
how's school or whatever?
Um.... lt's good. lt's good.
[JOANNA CLEARS THROAT]
l'm sorry,
what the fuck do you study again?
Social studies, or sociology or....
JOANNA:
Heh, did you say "social studies"?
MlKE:
Social science, heh?
What, am l in middle school
or something, heh?
JOANNA:
No. No.
MlKE: No?
JOANNA: Psychology.
So how much longer you got
in, uh, psychology?
Uh, l have, uh, six weeks until l'm....
MlKE: For real? Six weeks?
-Yeah.
And then l'm a certified shrink.
Six weeks. That's right.
MlKE: Wow.
-l know. People have to pay me now, heh.
-That's huge.
JOANNA: lt is, yeah.
l'm not paying you.
Not for these little visits, at least.
l'd feel bad taking money from you.
Heh, l'm too fucked up anyway, so....
Oh, you're not so bad.
[JOANNA CLEARS THROAT]
So are you going to open up--?
You ask a lot of questions, don't you?
Little Chatty Cathy tonight, huh?
-Chatty Cathy.
-Chatty Cathy.
And questions are off-limits, l guess?
-They're always off-limits.
-Really?
You don't need to talk. Just look pretty.
What was your name?
l can't remember. What was it?
[CHUCKLES]
Look, l'm going to go, okay?
Um, but l'll give you a call?
MlKE: Mm-hm.
-Mm-hm.
MlKE: Mm-hm.
-Okay.
-Mm-hm.
MlKE: Mm-hm, muah.
Get out of here.
[JOANNA CLEARS THROAT]
[GRUNTS]
[RlNGSlDE'S "MONEY"
PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
TlTO:
That's what l'm saying. l'm....
l'm looking at longevity. This is fun
for now, l'm not gonna be...
...this young and beautiful forever.
Strip malls, l think l got a good idea.
You know, and l watch all these people,
Carleton Sheets and these guys on TV.
And l read this book called
Rich Dad, Poor Dad.
GlRL: That's a great book.
TlTO: You read that?
GlRL: l went to the convention.
TlTO: Yeah, uh, Robert Kiyosaki.
GlRL: Kiyosaki.
TlTO: Yeah, that's the guy.
GlRL:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
DALLAS:
Heeey-ah!
All right, all right, all right, hey, ah.
DALLAS:
lf everybody can quiet down a second here.
Quiet down a sec?
RlCHlE:
Hey, everybody. Shut the fuck up.
DALLAS:
Richie, that's fucking microsuede, man.
RlCHlE: Aw, shit. Sorry, bro.
DALLAS: lt's all right. Thanks.
All right, now l got an announcement
to make.
DALLAS: Now, that means you too, Tarzan.
Come on, big boy...
...out of the shadows, into the light.
Come on, baby.
l've been telling y'all this is going to be
a special night for a long time.
Now l'm going to tell you why.
Despite the hurricane
that has soiled our rather bountiful...
...Saturday afternoon...
...the good Lord has blessed
the Kings of Tampa this summer.
Can l get an "amen" on that?
ALL: Yes.
RlCHlE: Amen.
DALLAS:
Mm.
We've been talking a lot about the markets.
Waiting for the sweet spot.
Waiting for our time to make our move,
take our show global.
Well, as of September 1 st...
...we will no longer be
the Cock-rocking Kings of Tampa.
No, sir, no, ma'am.
We will be the Cock-rocking Kings...
...of 4000 square feet...
...of Miami prime-time beachfront
real estate, motherfuckers.
[ALL CHEERlNG]
Ah, Big Dick, keep it fucking hanging low.
-Tito, call them Cubano cousins, huh?
TlTO: They on their way, baby.
Kid, you ready for the big time, huh?
You ready for the big time?
Tobias, you ready to take yourself
to the beach?
l'm ready, man. l'm ready, huh.
Ken, the housewives
are gonna love you down there.
KEN: We are blessed.
-They're gonna love you.
Huh, Tarzan. Did you know they made trees
tall enough to swing from Tampa...
...to motherfucking Miami, huh? Unh!
Yeah. My main man.
The moon is just a chip shot away,
brother, heh.
A chip shot away. Fuck, yeah.
l got to let it sink in, man.
We're really doing this?
Oh, fuck, yeah, we're doing this, man.
This is our time.
All right. All right.
Listen, man. l couldn't even have dreamed
all this shit up without you.
We're gonna do it together,
we're gonna do it just like we always said.
-Seven-point-five across the board--
-You meant to say 1 0, didn't you?
Congrats, Kid.
Thanks, man.
Heh, you know, if you ever want to go
in on a pack with me....
Mike's not interested,
but we can go halfsies.
l could make it worth your while.
Yeah, sure.
[TOBlAS LAUGHS]
-l'll talk to you later about it, okay?
-Yeah.
ADAM:
Who is that?
MlKE:
Nora.
l don't think you need that in your life, bro.
Heh, hey, baby girl, what are you doing?
Huh?
No, l'm at, uh-- l don't know, l'm at this party.
lt's getting lame.
l want to get out of here.
How about l, uh, come scoop you up?
l can bring you a present.
What?
-What thing?
DALLAS: Boom!
l got a thing.
Come on, you ain't--
All right.
Okay. All right, l'll call you later.
This is Herman.
ADAM:
Hi, Herman.
He likes you.
KEN:
Hey, y'all. lt's all right.
ADAM:
Hey, man.
NORA:
We'd like to order.
KEN:
All right.
[KEN CLEARS THROAT]
-That pig is so fucking cute.
WOMAN: Heh.
KEN:
Angels or demons?
NORA: Angels.
KEN: Angels. Okay.
KEN: lf you chew it, it'll hit you quicker.
WOMAN: Heh.
KEN: You're gonna fucking love this one.
ADAM: Yeah.
Yeah, fucking Miami, man.
Heh, fucking Miami.
[ADAM SlGH]
[KEN SlGHS]
KEN:
How you kids doing tonight?
WOMAN:
That storm is crazy, huh?
KEN: Beautiful.
NORA: Mmm....
[SlGHS]
KEN:
My wife's tits are awesome, right?
ADAM:
What?
KEN:
l said my wife's tits are awesome.
Yeah.
Check them out, man.
ADAM: You fucking joking?
-l'm not fucking joking. Check them out.
Feel them. They're so fucking, heh, amazing.
[KEN'S WlFE CHUCKLES]
Come on.
[CHUCKLES]
KEN:
lt's okay. Go ahead, man.
-They're real, l swear.
ADAM: Yeah, l bet they are.
[CHUCKLES]
See?
-Heh.
-This is okay?
lt's okay with me, man. She loves it.
ADAM:
l fucking love you.
No, man, l love you.
ADAM: You don't understand.
-l love you.
No, l fucking....
l fucking love you, man.
KEN: l love you, man.
You're such a fucking special soul.
ADAM:
l love you.
KEN'S WlFE:
l love you too.
[TYPlNG ON KEYBOARD]
[ADAM WHlSTLES]
[CAR HORN HONKlNG]
MlKE:
ls she even home?
ADAM:
Brooke!
MlKE:
Hi.
ADAM:
What do you think?
BROOKE:
ls it yours?
ADAM:
ls it mine? Fuck, yeah, it's mine.
BROOKE:
lt's very you.
Come on. Let's go.
We're going to celebrate.
Come on.
-Come on.
-Come on.
Come on. Come here. Come on.
-Are you calling me like a dog?
MlKE: What, huh?
-Are you calling me like a dog?
ADAM: Who did that?
You want me to say something to him?
-Ha, ha.
MlKE: l'll say something to him.
-Okay, so l've seen the stripping.
-Yup.
Tell me about being an entrepreneur.
lt's "entrepreneur" actually. lt's, uh, French.
You know about the roofing,
and l got a mobile-detailing thing.
But the whole endgame is the custom
furniture business l'm trying to start.
Custom furniture? So you must be really
good with your hands.
-l did not say that.
-Yes, l did.
But l'm glad you made that point.
lt's very insightful, actually.
-That's a lot of stuff.
-Yes, it is.
lf you could wake up and do the one thing
that would make you the happiest....
-The happiest?
-Yeah, money aside.
l would wake up on the beach somewhere
just making stuff every day.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Really? Tables and chairs,
that kind of thing?
Anything. Everything.
But custom, one-of-a-kind stuff.
Not the knock-off stuff you see
in people's kitchens from time to time.
Hey. l don't have
a custom furniture-maker man.
-Well, now you do.
-Okay? Heh.
-So are you in business? Why aren't you?
-Heh.
l will be as soon as the banks start making
the competitive rates and loans.
Look, l've been saving for six years.
Why do you think l'm doing
all these stupid businesses...
...and the stripping? l've saved about 1 3
grand. lt's gonna happen eventually.
-Wow, 1 3. That's a lot of ones.
-Heh.
There were some fives in there.
No 20s?
You don't want to know
what l have to do for 20s.
-l don't.
-Let's drink these and l'll show you.
-BROOKE: No, that's okay, heh.
MlKE: Heh.
So, Miami, huh?
Mm-hm.
-Don't be mad.
-l'm not mad.
l'm not trying to tell him what to do.
l just don't like it.
Did you just...? l want to clear something up.
Did you just take my advice?
By not telling him what to do?
No. l just don't have a choice.
-l think that was something l said to you.
-What, you want some credit?
-Are we fighting?
-Ha, ha.
ls this our first fight?
Come on. Let's make up.
-l don't like being mad at you.
-Look at that face.
-l really don't like being mad at you.
-You guys are going to have fun in Miami.
[CHUCKLES]
Just try not to forget
about the normal people.
Like the people who exist in the daylight.
The non-vampires.
-So you're not a vampire?
-No, l'm not a vampire.
Well, this is not going to work out
at all between you and l.
[BROOKE LAUGHS]
-A thing for vampires, heh?
-Yeah. Got a bit of a thing.
You want to get something to eat
sometime?
l don't know, just like get some food?
What do you mean, like a date?
No. lf you don't want to call it that, no.
l don't know.
Why? Because of what's-his-name
that moved to Orlando?
Paul?
-Yeah. Paul and l are figuring things out.
-Hmm.
How's that going, heh?
-Are you going to weigh in on that too?
-No.
Plus, l don't exactly sport-fuck
my brother's stripper friends.
l'm sorry, who said anything about that?
l was just talking about talking
and being friends.
lf you want to talk,
my door is always open, Mike.
ADAM:
Are you trying to hit on my sister?
MlKE: No. l'm sorry, and if l was,
what the hell are you going to do about it?
Whoa, brother.
[ADAM LAUGHS]
-Not me. Her.
BROOKE: Heh.
Oh, my God. Come on, let's do one more.
One more, come on.
Dude, l would love to, but we can't.
You get Dallas' text?
We got a sorority in like a half hour.
BROOKE:
A sorority?
Five hundred bones to rub our nuts...
-...on some girl's chest.
-Adam, l see what's happening here.
MlKE: l ate a Kappa just like this.
l ate a Kappa. l ate a Kappa.
You guys are really.... Have a great time.
MlKE:
Come on. We gotta stop fighting like this.
BROOKE: Heh.
MlKE: We gotta stop fighting.
Just find your own way back.
l got the keys, right?
You do not have the keys.
Oh, shit, you do.
BROOKE: l have the keys.
MlKE: She's got the keys. We got to go.
[POP MUSlC PLAYlNG ON SPEAKERS]
MlKE: Good evening. You live here?
KlM: Yeah.
-Yeah? What's your name?
-Kim.
Kim, can you move back for me, please?
We keep getting complaints
of noise and underage drinking.
Gentlemen? Everybody's 21 here?
l might need to check some lDs,
unfortunately.
Can you accompany me in here, please?
Ladies, everybody's 21 here?
-Yeah.
-Yes?
She is definitely not 21 ,
l'm sorry. What's your birthday?
SORORlTY GlRL:
Uh, May 20th, 1 9....
That's what l thought. Put your hands
on the wall. Everybody sit.
We're going to be here for a while.
Can you please spread your legs for me,
ma'am?
You don't have anything sharp on you
that l can stick myself with, do you?
SORORlTY GlRL: No.
-Good.
Because l do.
[ALL SCREAMlNG AND CHEERlNG]
Did you see it?
Hey!
Did you give some Ecstasy to my girl?
No.
l said, did you give some Ecstasy
to my chick?
Hey, fuck off.
Okay. Cool.
[ALL SCREAM]
[BOTH GRUNTlNG]
Hey!
MlKE: Hey, back the fuck up. We got to go.
Let's go. Adam, let's go.
All right, back the fuck up.
Let's go. Let's go.
MlKE: Oh, what are you doing, man?
What the fuck are you doing...
...giving pills to girls
that you don't know?
ADAM: Shit, dude.
MlKE: You're lucky we got out of there.
ADAM: My backpack. We have to go back.
MlKE: Fuck your backpack.
ADAM: No, you don't understand.
lt has my fucking pills.
MlKE: Fuck your pills.
You're going to have to eat it.
Tobias fronted me pills.
Sell them off for some extra cash.
What the fuck are you doing taking--?
Front from Tobias?
Why is he giving you pills? How many?
Heh, l don't know, man.
Fucking like a hundred.
"Like a hundred," or a hundred?
That's a grand.
Have to pay every one of those back.
Fuck, dude. Fuck that. Guess what?
MlKE: What do you mean, "fuck that"?
ADAM: l got that equity, baby.
ADAM:
Dallas gave me that cut in Miami, whoo!
l don't even fucking care
about a fucking grand. Who cares?
Fuck. Damn, that was crazy shit.
Fuck.
[PEOPLE lN RESTAURAN CHATTERlNG]
ADAM: You bailing on me?
MlKE: Nope, not at all.
-Oh, my God. What are you doing here?
JOANNA: Hey.
l thought you were out of town,
like, forever.
Yeah, l decided to stay in town.
-Great. What's up, man? Mike.
-Ryan.
MlKE: Nice to meet you, sir.
-Nice to meet you.
Uh, Ryan, um, is my fianc.
What?
Are you fucking with me right now?
l'm gonna go hit the bathroom.
No. You guys sound like
you got a lot to talk about.
lt's time for me to go stare
in the mirror anyway.
-Nice meeting you. See you, babe.
-Yes, sir.
JOANNA:
Okay.
MlKE:
Hmm....
Okay. All right, l'm not exactly....
Okay. All right.
lt was good to see you.
DALLAS:
Well, lookie here what the cat dragged in.
TOBlAS;
Coo, what happened?
MlKE:
Uh....
lt was nothing. lt was fucked up. Sorry.
DALLAS:
"lt was fucked up"? "Sorry"?
MlKE: Mm-hm.
DALLAS: That's all you got to say?
l don't know. You really want to discuss it?
l take it you didn't collect.
Yeah, l'm sorry. l forgot to ask
for the money...
...as they were throwing beer bottles
at our heads.
lt's the last thing
l need for my reputation...
...before we make the big move, Mike.
l'm sorry.
Are we fucking your reputation up?
DALLAS:
Hmm.
The last time l checked,
l think it's the Kid and l's reputation...
...that's "making the big move"
for you, isn't it?
What the fuck did you say, buddy?
l don't know, you were standing six feet
away from me. You heard me.
Hey, you might want to check yourself,
old friend.
Nobody walks on water on my team.
Except for you, right?
Old friend.
Ah.
What are you thinking about?
Biting the hand that feeds you,
big dog, huh?
You don't fucking feed me, Dallas.
l can walk right out that door.
Right now.
And do a fuck of a lot better
than 7.5 percent.
l'm sorry, that used to be 1 0.
But you don't.
You didn't. And you won't.
Because you can't.
l can't? Okay.
DALLAS:
So you got to deal with what you got.
TOBlAS:
Hey, what's going on?
ADAM: That pack you gave me?
TOBlAS: Mm.
ADAM: lt's gone.
-That's great.
Gone.
ADAM:
lt's "gone" gone.
-You lost it?
-l'm sorry, man.
Fuck sorry. You got to take care of this.
ADAM:
We'll figure it out. lt's fine.
No, you need to figure it out.
ADAM:
Get the fuck off me.
Seniority don't mean shit around here, man.
You are worth the cash you
pry out of their fucking purses.
You know that better than anybody.
You want a bigger piece?
Come up with some fresher shit, man.
You're not getting any younger.
What the fuck are you doing?
l need you doing the sailor routine tonight.
l got four tables of Navy wives stageside.
-Get changed.
-Oh, no. l'm taking your advice.
Bringing you some fresher shit.
Seeing as l'm getting equity and all.
[ALL CHEERlNG]
[EXClSlON AND DATSlK'S "CALYPSO"
PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
TlTO:
Perfect date time.
TARZAN:
Give me the astronaut thing.
RlCHlE:
l met this guy....
KEN:
You got them going out there, Mike.
KEN:
Good job, man.
RlCHlE: He's met just about every single
Russian and American astronaut...
...that's ever been in outer space,
living or dead.
The first man in outer space...
...Russian. Yuri Gagarin.
TARZAN: Cosmonaut.
RlCHlE: He's the second one.
The first one died on reentry.
MlKE:
We're gonna get fucked up tonight, right?
BROOKE:
Mike.
BROOKE:
Mike, hello.
[BANGlNG ON DOOR]
BROOKE:
Open up.
BROOKE: Mike.
-All right. Hold on.
-Hey.
-Hey.
You have fun last night?
-What?
-Did you have fun last night?
Yeah, uh, what's up?
ls Adam here?
He left me weird-sounding voice messages,
sounded fucked up.
And now l can't reach him.
-Yeah, he's in here.
-Okay. Cool.
BROOKE:
Where is he?
MlKE:
Uh, he should be upstairs.
He's with somebody, though,
so, you know, l'd call out.
Kid.
Adam?
Adam. Adam.
MlKE: Fuck.
BROOKE: Adam.
MlKE:
Hey. Come here.
[ADAM GASPS]
MlKE:
Stop. He's fine, he's breathing.
Oh, my God, Adam.
What the fuck did he take?
Uh, probably just some G.
Open your eyes, dude.
-What the fuck did you do to my brother?
MlKE: Relax. Yo, Brooke.
He's breathing. He's fine.
Get the fuck off me, Mike.
l'll fucking kill you. l will fucking kill you.
-He's going to be fine, heh.
-He's not okay.
-Calm down.
-No, shut up. Shut up!
Shut up. l see you, Mike. l fucking see you.
You think you have your shit all figured
out, but l fucking see you.
You just need to relax.
You're acting fucking crazy. And l get it.
You are a bullshit,
-Okay. How about just get the fuck out?
-No problem.
Done. Adam, wake the fuck up.
Adam, please.
[WHlMPERlNG]
Adam, let's go. Come on, Adam.
BROOKE:
Adam. God.
Adam. Wake up. Adam, we have to go.
-Stop.
-No, Mike, this is my brother.
Brooke, let me please carry him out.
Stop.
[SOBBlNG]
l can't do this anymore, Adam.
You hear me?
TOBlAS:
Come on, let's go.
You guys need to stop already.
MlKE:
Motherfucker.
[ALL GRUNTlNG]
TOBlAS:
Mike? Get off of him. Hey.
Hey!
[ALL GRUNTlNG]
MlKE: Fuck off.
TOBlAS: l'm so sorry, primo.
Sorry? Fuck you, man.
What are you doing breaking
into my house?
TOBlAS:
l tried calling your cell, man.
My cell? Fuck my cell.
What are you fucking doing, man?
l told them not to break shit,
but they don't work for me.
That did a good job, didn't it?
TOBlAS: Look, man, l'm sorry.
We're looking for the Kid, okay?
Uh, so you brought them here?
-What are you looking for him for?
-He's late on his front.
And as you can see, he was due today.
lt's 1 00 pills. That's 1 000 bucks.
l think he's good for that, don't you?
No, no, no.
ls that what he told you? A hundred?
We went in on a whole pack, hombre.
A whole pack.
-What's his half?
-Ten grand.
MlKE: What?
TOBlAS: Ten grand.
l don't know if he lost it,
or if he's just being a fucking kid.
Either way, it doesn't matter anymore.
Okay?
Look, you got to--
What am l--?
l don't know, l can maybe sign over
the van...
...until he can figure out
something out.
Fuck, l don't know, man.
Come on, primo. The guys l'm rolling with,
they ain't about fucking paperwork, man.
TOBlAS: lf you want, l can talk to my guys
and we can try to get him another day.
And what the fuck would that do?
He doesn't have it.
Hey, look--
l just hate to see you doing this.
MlKE:
Just don't give him any more shit to sell.
No, that's fine.
He's starting to act like a real punk.
-One of us should talk to him.
-Well, you've done enough, haven't you?
l'll talk to him. lt's fine.
[GATE OPENlNG THEN CLOSlNG]
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]
[MlKE SlGHS]
Hey.
Um....
l'm looking for Adam.
He's not picking up his phone.
-ls he all right?
-Yeah, he's okay.
l mean, he doesn't live here anymore.
MlKE:
Where is he?
l'm not sure. l think he's with Nora.
Okay, cool. Just, uh, let him know
that l'm looking for him if you see him.
Ha, this is so much bullshit.
You know that, right?
This is really how we're going to end this?
Are you fucking serious?
-l said everything l needed to say.
-You had a lot to say yesterday.
You don't have anything else to say?
You want to add onto that?
You damn sure didn't let me talk,
so let me talk now.
l'm sorry that l fucked it up.
l didn't mean to do that.
l didn't want to fuck it up. l promised...
...that l would take care of him,
and l didn't, and l'm sorry about that.
You're the last person that l--
Yeah, l believe you...
...and l know you're basically
a good person.
Adam was...
...going to do whatever Adam wanted to do.
l just can't be around your lifestyle.
You can't be around my--?
l'm not my lifestyle.
That's who you think--?
That isn't fucking--
l'm not-- Am l Magic, uh--?
Am l Magic Mike right now talking to you?
l'm not my goddamn job.
That's not who--
That's not what l do. That's not me.
lt is what l do, but it's not who l am.
l'm not just--
That's why l want to go to Miami.
l don't want to fucking be
some 40-year-old stripper.
l want to own something.
l want to actually--
l've been trying to, this whole time--
So you don't believe anything
that l've said to you?
You don't-- Right now. Nothing. l'm just--
You don't believe any of it?
Mike, l think the question is,
do you believe it?
l just think that Miami is going to be
a bigger, badder version of this.
But good luck to you.
lf you believe it, good luck to you.
And Adam too.
But l'm going to be here.
Hey.
l, uh....
l want to say thank you about the money.
l know how much that shit meant to you...
...especially because of that furniture crap
you wanted to do.
[ADAM CHUCKLES]
l, uh....
l'm gonna pay you back every last cent.
l want you to know that.
All right.
Man, we're gonna look back in 20 years.
You're gonna be dead, probably...
...but l can look back in 20 years and look
at the shit that we've done together, man.
Fuck. Look where l was three months ago.
Three months ago.
Look at where l am now.
l can't thank you enough.
Fuck, man. l was nowhere.
l have money.
l can fuck who l want to fuck.
l have freedom, thanks to you.
And l'm having a fucking ball.
And we're going to have a fucking ball
in Miami, man.
So can you smile? Can you look at me?
l only have one thing to say.
And that is:
To my best friend.
A guy who has given me more in this
lifetime than l could ever ask for.
And to bright futures.
DALLAS [SlNGlNG]:
Ladies of Tampa
[CROWD WHOOPS]
The first time that you ever walked into my life
ln oh many ways you all became my wife
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
Ladies, yeah, I'm talkin' to you
[SPEAKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]
Ladies of Tampa
Even though we gotta go
There's one thing you gotta know
Ain't no matter
How much you love me for sure
Ooh, ooh, ooh
I'll always love you more
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
I'll always love you more than you know
You got me tied to a chain
I'm just a slave to your soul
And there ain't nothin' l can do about it
That's fo' sho
[CHEERlNG CONTlNUES]
Ladies of Tampa
[KlSS'S "CALLlNG DR. LOVE"
PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
DlCK: l could be a friend to you.
TARZAN: Ha, ha.
What about romance?
TlTO:
Hit them with the long arm of love, baby.
DlCK: My good friend, Andy.
TlTO: Ha, ha.
TARZAN:
l'm just saying you always put up a fight.
TlTO: l know what we could do:
Anaconda Part 3.
ADAM:
Hey, uh, what about--?
[CHEERlNG CONTlNUES]
DALLAS:
Whoo!
TlTO: Yeah.
-Motherfucker.
Dallas be riding again.
Whoo! lt's a fucking revival.
Huh!
Hot damn. lt feels good to be back
on that fucking horse again.
TlTO: That was the old stuff.
-Oh, shit.
TlTO:
Still got it.
Y'all ready to rock a little
and fucking rein them in?
ALL:
Yeah.
DALLAS:
Yeah.
Where's Mike?
He's gone.
DALLAS:
Mikey?
TlTO: He went back to take a piss.
He should be back any second.
Mikey's gone.
DALLAS:
What do you mean, he's gone?
l thought he was going to go take a piss
and he went out the back door.
TlTO:
Hey, Mike, yo.
TlTO:
Let's go, we're up.
He's coming back, man.
All right, come here.
You ready to be the man?
-Are you ready to be the man?
-Yes, l'm ready.
-l've been waiting for this for a long time.
-lt's all yours. Come here.
[DALLAS GRUNTS]
Start right fucking now.
Let's make it fucking count.
All the way. Let's go.
Kid's in, Mike's out.
Let's bring this motherfucker down
all the way to Miami. Let's go. Hey.
DALLAS:
All right, ladies. So we know we made fire.
We know we got fire,
now we got to make it rain.
Can you make it rain, ladies?
Can you make it rain?
Let's give it up for the last time
on this stage.
The one, the only, your very own,
the Cock-rocking Kings of Tampa.
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
BROOKE:
Hey.
What are you doing here?
MlKE:
Um....
Aren't you supposed to be at the show?
Can l, uh, um...?
l just need to talk.
Yeah, okay.
Come on in.
[CLEARS THROAT]
MlKE:
Um....
l, uh-- l just came by to--
Look, before you say anything...
...l just need you to know that...
...when you came by this morning,
Adam hadn't told me what you did for him.
And that was really a lot of money.
-You did not have to do that.
-l didn't do it for him.
Look, that's not even why l came by.
l just--
Ah, um, look, l'm not going to Miami.
-Really?
-Yeah. l think you're right. l'm done.
Wow.
What are you gonna do?
Heh, l don't know. l guess l need a new plan.
Do you want to get some food
and talk about it?
What, like a date?
Well....
What would Tall Paul say, huh?
Tall Paul can't say anything anymore.
l broke up with him.
He didn't like breakfast food?
Not as much as l do.
This is a good thing. ln that case,
l would love to get some breakfast.
Okay.
Let's go get something to eat.
The thing is l only go to one place.
lt's my favorite place.
They have the best omelets.
They know my order. l walk in...
...the food's basically on the table.
They'd help you out too.
Get some waffles for you, pancakes,
whatever you want.
l love waffles. Let's go there.
The problem is it doesn't open until 6 a.m.
That's like seven hours from now.
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
What could we do with seven hours?
[English - US - SDH]