Make Happy (2016) Movie Script
That has been, really,
a difficult thing for me.
My mother has always been
a very difficult person all her life.
Very unhappy. I can never remember
my mother being happy.
And as she gets older,
however she was as a young person,
I find it's just now exaggerated
and, uh...
so, she's, uh, 83
and now very extremely negative,
very extremely unhappy, and, uh...
that has been hard for me...
Hello, audience.
Thank you for coming.
You are here because you want to laugh...
and you want to forget
about your problems.
But I cannot allow it.
You should not laugh.
You should not forget
about your problems.
The world is not funny.
- We are all dying.
The world is not funny.
Twelve percent of the world's population
does not have access
to clean drinking water.
The world is not funny.
Guy Fieri owns
two functioning restaurants.
- The world is not funny.
So then...
now that we understand the context,
now that we realize
how terribly unfunny the world is...
let's do this.
Entertainers are not here
to help you.
They are here to control you.
- Never listen to them.
Never give them what they want.
And most importantly,
never make some fucking noise!
? Ladies! ?
? Ladies, if you feel me
Say, "Hell, yeah!" ?
Hell, yeah!
? Fellas! Come on, fellas
If you feel me, say, "Hell, yeah!" ?
Hell, yeah!
? Virgins, if you haven't felt a person
Say, "Hell, yeah!" ?
Hell, yeah!
? If you can divide by zero
Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!" ?
Hell, yeah!
No, you can't.
Mathematically impossible.
Listen.
Don't be Pavlovian.
I'm looking for actual answers here.
Trying to gather information.
Let's go.
? If you like drinking booze
Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!" ?
Hell, yeah!
? If you like smoking weed
Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!" ?
Hell, yeah!
Gotcha. Get these motherfuckers.
Get down on the ground!
Where's the weed?
Yeah,
we got a room full of potheads.
We're gonna need backup.
Over.
Psych!
? If you don't give a fuck
About the law ?
? Let me hear you say
"Fuck the police" ?
Fuck the police.
? If that seems oversimplified to you
Let me hear you say ?
? "It's a really tough job
And they're doing their best" ?
? If you know nothing about the conflict
Between Israel and Palestine ?
? And thus feel super uncomfortable ?
? Weighing in on it
Til you've read about it ?
? Let me hear you say
"No comment" ?
No comment!
Good call. I have no idea
what's going on over there.
What are they fighting about?
They have similar hats.
? If you want to start the show ?
? Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah"
Come on ?
Hell, yeah!
? If my name's Bo... ?
Whoops.
I think you're done
with this call and response shit.
That's what I thought.
If you want me to get introspective,
let's get introspective.
? I can't wrap my mind around
Exactly why I'm here ?
? I know you paid money
I should be funny ?
? Other than that
Don't know why I'm here ?
? To make you laugh, right?
That's only half-right ?
? Look at the world
I don't know why I'm here ?
? All this laughter can't
Feed starving Africans ?
? I just hope I don't
Get more from this than you do ?
? I would love to tell you
That everything is fine ?
? You wanna be happy ?
? Well, get in line ?
? Yeah, this is almost
Musically incoherent at this point ?
? Y'all ain't never seen a comedy show
Like this in your fucking life ?
? And for good reason ?
- ? It gets old after a few minutes ?
? You'll see ?
? Let's get this show going ?
? Let's get this show started
Okay ?
? One, two, three, four ?
So I was at the dentist the other day...
Yeah.
And nothing funny happened,
so I was like,
"Don't mention that on stage. "
I already fucked it up.
I love you!
No, you fucking don't.
You do not.
Haters gonna hate,
lovers gonna love.
You need to reject
both sides of the spectrum
to leave a... healthy middle.
I love the idea of you!
Stop participating.
Not a participatory thing
going on up here.
Trying to immortalize something
I've worked on for a long time.
Shut up!
I have not...
made my mind up about...
masturbation.
It's weird and I'm torn.
You know,
'cause on one hand, it feels good.
Did you not think
I was gonna use it, idiots?
It's not a prop.
It will be used intermittently.
Guys...
I've got a lot of problems in my life.
I wrote a song
about some of the problems in my life.
I hope that some of you can relate to it.
Here we go.
? Walking around
I got no one to talk to ?
? There's everyone ?
? And then there's just me ?
? If I could change
Don't you think that I'd do it ?
? God only knows
Why he cursed me to be ?
? A straight white man ?
? I state my problems ?
? Other people roll their eyes ?
? Three trips to the mall ?
? Zero khakis in my size ?
? I've never been the victim
Of a random search for drugs ?
? But you can't say
My life is easy ?
? Until you've walked a mile in my Uggs ?
? Straight white man ?
? I know the road looks tough ahead ?
? The women want rights ?
? The gays want kids ?
What?
? Can't you just leave us alone? ?
? And also
"No" to the things you asked for ?
They're being greedy
and they know it, okay?
? Everyone thinks that I've got it easy ?
? And just 'cause it's true ?
? Doesn't mean that it's right ?
? So pull up a chair ?
? And put down your pitchforks ?
? Give me a chance ?
? To show you what it is like ?
? To be a straight white man ?
? The churches never made me
Feel ashamed of who I am ?
? But I get emails from Zappos
That Gmail doesn't mark as spam ?
? My country's constitution
Was handwritten by my race ?
? But my wife bought me
The brand new iPhone ?
? With an iPod Touch's case ?
Case doesn't fit that phone.
? Straight white man ?
? I know the road looks tough ahead ?
? The women want rights ?
? The blacks want
Not to be called "the blacks" ?
Sorry.
? Can't you just leave us alone? ?
? Also, "no" to the things you asked for ?
? No ?
? Straight white man ?
? I know the road looks tough ahead ?
? The women want rights ?
? The African Amer- ?
? We used to have all the money and land ?
? And we still do
But it's not as fun now ?
Thank you.
If you were offended by that,
it was ironic.
Isn't that fun?
I meant the whole opposite of it.
White guys, it's easy to be a white guy.
Yeah!
Yeah, white guy, we deserve a...
cheer once in a while.
Very easy to be a white guy.
Very easy.
But white guys get a lot of shit
and it's not fair,
'cause we've done
a lot of things, you know?
We invented a lot of stuff.
White guys invented everything
but peanut butter, I believe.
That's what I was taught in school.
Everything but peanut butter.
Doesn't sound right,
but the American educational system
having a racial bias?
No way, Joseph.
Guys, white... white people
are a little uncomfortable.
We'll do a racial joke
about the white people
so you don't feel uncomfortable.
White people,
we like the same foods.
Favorite sandwich,
peanut butter and...
- Jelly!
- ... jelly.
- Macaroni and...
- Cheese!
Our favorite chips,
salt and vi...
- ... negar!
- Wow!
Who said it?
Get the cameras on them.
Your grandkids are gonna see this,
know what a bigot
their grandfather or grandmother were.
Every non-white person,
see who said that,
find them after the show.
Put the lights down.
Their faces creep me out.
Guys, I'm not "perfect," okay?
I don't "use air quotes correctly,"
all right?
But I am against double standards
across the board.
Why is it...
that when a woman
wears revealing clothing,
she's labeled a slut,
yet if I were to wear
her skin as a jacket,
I'm a murderer?
What?
If I fuck a kid,
I'm a pedophile,
but if a kid fucks me,
I'm the pedophile again?
Twice in a week?
What is this?
Hey, Bo.
Do you want to sing a song with us?
- Great!
- That's all right.
- You'll figure it out.
- ? Hey, Bo, guess what? ?
- ? You're a faggot ?
Wasn't clever, it was just mean.
Bigoted.
I apologize for that.
So I was interrupted the other day
while my-
Hey, Bo.
- You want to sing another song together?
- Too bad.
? Hey, Bo, guess what? ?
- Correct!
It's not funny.
? You're a faggot, you're a faggot
You're a fucking faggot ?
? You're a faggot, you're a fucking... ?
Can you turn the lights off at least?
? You're a faggot, you're a faggot
You're a fucking faggot... ?
Is this funny to you people?
Turn it off. Turn the track off!
Why was it on a record player?
You got a record player back there?
You have hooked up a record player?
You know,
it's one thing to make that,
but to press it onto vinyl
is a whole other thing, all right?
It's gonna outlive me.
Just to be clear,
I wrote, conceived and executed
the entirety of that bit.
Do not give those dumb fucks any credit.
It's all me, baby.
All me.
Look at you people
in the Abe Lincoln seats.
Bam! Too late.
Too late.
How dare you make that joke so late?
I'm a big fan of hip-hop.
'Cause I like words.
I like poetry.
And hip-hop feels like a way
to condense a lot of those things
into a short amount of time.
There are artists
that still do that. Uh...
Yeah, Kendrick Lamar,
very word-heavy, very poetic. But-
What are you doing?
Look, this is my show.
Do not veer credit
to people outside this building.
Most...
most...
Hip-hop artists, for me,
and it is for me, hip-hop,
has traded in words and poetry
for beat fetishism.
It's where you make a sick beat
and then you rap anything over it.
And people lose their minds.
I'll give you an example.
Is there a sick beat back there for me?
Oh, shit!
? I am not one of you ?
? I am not a human being ?
? You know what I am? ?
? I'm a little teapot
Short and stout ?
? Here is my handle
Here is my spout ?
? When I get all steamed up
Then I shout ?
? Sing it
Tip me over and... ?
- Pour me out!
- Let's go.
? Pour me out
Pour me out ?
? Tip me over
And pour me out ?
? Nigga, pour me out ?
? Pour me out ?
- ? Tip me over and pour me out ?
? Baa, baa, black sheep
Have you any wool? ?
? Yes, sir, yes, sir, three bags full ?
? One for the master, one for the dame ?
? One for the little boy
That's livin' down the lane ?
- ? Baa ?
? Lives down the lane ?
- ? Whoo! ?
- ? Lives down the lane ?
Why is there a young boy
living alone down the lane?
Who signed this boy's lease?
Am I the only one
concerned for this little boy?
Two examples is enough.
Okay, thank you.
A lesser comedian
would have milked that for four verses.
And a better comedian
wouldn't have done it all.
I'm right in the sweet spot.
These, uh...
These cannons cost $200,
just for that joke.
I could give that money
to a homeless person, make their day,
and I don't do that very often.
That is my first decision every morning.
Not today. Nah.
I'll do that tomorrow.
Tomorrow comes and it's still today.
Tomorrow's a relative term.
We're not getting there.
Annie
Fuck you.
You don't know where I'm going.
Don't act like it.
You are not ahead of me.
I will retain the element of surprise.
I'm trying to work on my improv.
My show is very planned,
uh, to the word.
You know, to the gesture.
And I'm trying to break out of that.
I want to make something
brand new for every show,
that only a few people get to experience.
- What's your name, man?
- Rob.
Rob? All right.
I'm gonna try to make up a song
about Rob...
off the top of my head.
This might not work.
Um, it's just...
It's to keep me sharp, trying to...
I'm stalling,
trying to think of rhymes for Rob.
It's not fair.
Okay.
Song about Rob.
Hit the track.
Fuck.
? Bo had sex with... ?
- ? Rob's... ?
- ? Mom ?
? Bo had sex with... ?
- ? Rob's... ?
- ? Mom ?
Bo, I heard you had sex
with older woman last night.
I did.
- What's her son's name?
- ? Bo had sex with... ?
- ? Rob's... ?
- ? Mom ?
? Bo had sex with... ?
- ? Rob's... ?
- ? Mom ?
? I fucked her for an hour
Then left when I was done ?
? 'Cause fucking is her game
And Rob is her son ?
Did we plan that? We did not plan that.
How does he do it?
How does he pretend to do it?
How does he remain contrived?
I'm not... I'm not honest
for a second up here!
Honesty is for the birds, baby.
You want an honest comedian,
go see the rest of them, all right?
"This thing actually happened. "
Cool.
Whoo!
Boy, oh, boy.
Any big fans of country music out there?
Yeah.
Ooh, some people extending my name.
"Boo," that's also approval.
Uh, I think...
I think country music...
gets a bad rep.
You know, why is it that
when Bruce Springsteen
sings about a fucking turnpike it is art,
and then when someone sings
about a horse,
it's dumb inherently?
I don't think...
I think some of the greatest songwriters
of all time are country artists.
Dolly Parton, Willie Nelson...
You know?
And if you're writing honestly,
that is art.
And I would never bash that.
Um, the problem is...
with a lot of modern country music,
what is called stadium country music,
the sort of Keith Urban brand
of country music,
is that it is not honest.
It is the exact opposite of honest.
Where instead of people
actually telling their stories,
you got a bunch
of millionaire metrosexuals
who've never done
a hard day's work in their life,
but they figured out the words
and the phrases they can use
to pander to their audience,
and they list the same words
and phrases off,
sort of mad-lib style in every song,
raking in millions of dollars
from actual working-class people.
You know the words.
You know the phrases.
Phrases like...
? A dirt road, a cold beer ?
? A blue jeans, a red pickup ?
? A rural noun, simple adjective ?
? No shoes, no shirt ?
? No Jews
You didn't hear that ?
Sort of a mental typo.
? I walk and talk like a field hand ?
? But the boots I'm wearing
Cost three grand ?
? I write songs about riding tractors ?
? From the comfort of a private jet ?
? I could sing in Mandarin ?
? You'd still know I'm pandering ?
? Hunting deer, chasing trout ?
? A Bud Light with the logo facing out ?
? Hear that subtle mandolin ?
? That's textbook pandering ?
? I own a private ranch
That I rarely use ?
I don't like dirt.
One verse, one chorus in the bag.
Now it's time to talk to the ladies.
I'm hoping my Southern charm offsets
all these rape-y vibes I'm putting out.
? Good girl in a straw hat ?
? With her arms out in a cornfield ?
? That is a scarecrow ?
Thought it was a human woman.
Sorry.
? A cold night, a cold beer ?
? A cold jeans
Strike that last one ?
? I'm wanting you
I hope you're feeling me ?
Subtextually.
? We go to bed
You doze off ?
? So I take your country girl
Clothes off ?
? I put my hands on your body ?
? It feels like hay
It's a fucking scarecrow again ?
? Like Mike's Evander-ing ?
? Fuck your ears, I'm pandering ?
? I write songs for the people who do ?
? Jobs in the towns
That I'd never move to ?
? Legalize gerrymandering ?
? Tolerate my pandering ?
? You got a beautiful mouth ?
? I got a beautiful... ?
Y'all dumb motherfuckers
want a key change?
? Thematically meandering ?
? Emphatically pandering ?
? I got a tight grip on my demo's balls ?
? Say the word "truck"
They jizz in their overalls ?
? You don't know what land you're in ?
? I'm in the land of pandering ?
? And I'll be upfront ?
? I do what I do
'Cause I'm a total fucking country boy ?
You know, like, that genre.
They're lying to you.
That's all.
They're lying...
Entertainers, they are lying
and they are manipulating you.
And it's not in a good way.
It's like advertising. You deserve better.
I'm not saying I'm it,
but I'm the guy that says
you deserve better.
You go get better.
You say, "Thank you, weird man. Bye. "
The Tonight Show,
It's the end of culture.
Culture's over, everybody.
We lost.
This is entertainment.
How is this entertainment?
People we've seen too much of
mouthing along to songs
we've heard too much of.
And this the bread and butter
of American television.
And it's always one of two things
on celebrity lip-syncing.
It's either a male celebrity lip-syncing
to a woman's song...
"But he's not... "
Or it's a rich, young white actress
ironically lip-syncing to a hip-hop song.
? Fuck the police
Coming straight from the underground ?
Can you believe this song
was once an honest articulation
of class struggle?
Fuck these people.
How dare they think
that them fucking around
is worthy of your attention?
Them playing Pictionary?
Your attention's a valuable thing.
I worked for three years
to get it for an hour.
And I barely get there.
See?
I saw a gorgeous...
dick.
I was in the public restroom.
Some guys might be like me.
I cannot use a urinal
when there's a guy beside me.
I freeze up.
So I have to use the stalls.
In this case, all the stalls were taken.
I had to use a urinal.
There was a guy beside me.
I took a little look.
You're not picturing this.
All right.
The bit is over.
I'm not talking into his dick now.
I didn't rip off his dick.
And I'm now not talking
into a severed dick.
The show is a series of discrete bits.
That one's over.
God, if you don't get that...
Reset the momentum.
I cannot be coasting
off the inertia of past jokes.
Need to earn it.
Every bit should come out of a vacuum, eh?
We all want love.
How many single ladies out there
looking for love tonight?
Whoo!
Yeah. "Whoo" that sadness out.
There's more where that came from.
Ladies, I know what you want.
Want.
Want.
? You want a guy that's sweet
A guy that's tough ?
? A feminist who likes to pay for stuff ?
? The kinda guy that gets
Along with your friends ?
? Without being attracted to any of them ?
? A good boy, a bad boy, a good bad boy ?
? A half-good, half-bad half-boy ?
? Loves your brother
Sensitive but not weak ?
? And is a great lover
Calls your mother on the weekend ?
? Though you might think
That this guy only exists in your mind ?
? But guess what? ?
? You're right ?
? If you want love ?
? Lower your expectations a few ?
? Because Prince Charming
Would never settle for you ?
? If you want love ?
? Just pick a guy and love him ?
? And if he's got a thing for feet ?
? Say fuck it, sweep me off them ?
Now...
the good thing is that, uh...
At least men have very realistic
expectations for women...
he said, sarcastically setting up
a second verse in a comedy song.
? You want a girl that's nice
A girl that's not ?
? Obsessed with her looks
But is insanely hot ?
? The kind of girl that you can
Show to your folks ?
? Loves the movies that you like
And always laughs at your jokes ?
? A real girl, a hot girl,
A really hot girl ?
? A brand new really hot real doll ?
? Wants to impress you
Doesn't care if you notice ?
? And only ever uses you
To tickle her throat with ?
? Though you might think that this girl
Only exists in your mind ?
? But she's real
But last week, she died ?
? If you want love ?
? Lower your expectations a lot ?
? You might think your dick is a gift
I promise it's not ?
- ? If you want love ?
? Just pick a girl and love her ?
? Then whip out your dick and
Let the girl you love decline the offer ?
? I don't want a neat freak
I don't want a slob ?
? Somebody with bedhead
And a dead-end job ?
? 'Cause I won't settle for less ?
? Than perfect ?
? We want perfect children
A perfect life ?
? Perfect husband or a perfect wife ?
? But deep down, we know ?
? We don't deserve it ?
? But ?
? We all deserve love ?
? Even on the days
When we aren't our best ?
? 'Cause we all suck ?
? But love can make us suck less ?
? We all deserve love ?
? It's the very best part of being alive ?
? And I would know
I just turned 25 ?
That's young.
Original does not mean good.
Anyone can do anything.
Don't let me off the hook too easy.
? War, huh, good God, y'all ?
? What is it good for? ?
? Increasing domestic manufacturing ?
All right. Uh...
I don't want to get political
'cause I only know
my own ideas of other people's ideas.
We just played in Alabama.
They just like the lights.
I didn't even need to do jokes.
"Motherfucker's got moving candles. "
No, not quite.
Alabama was actually nice.
You're elitist pricks.
Isn't that fun?
Yeah, you like that.
And now...
what making a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich feels like
when you're high on marijuana.
And now...
what making a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich feels like...
when you're shit-faced.
Hey, baby, I'm home.
- Honey, you okay? What's wrong?
Are you drunk?
Have you been...
You've been drinking, haven't you?
You've been fuck...
You're fucking wasted, aren't...
- I can't hear you.
Speak into the microphone.
I'm not.
What's behind your back?
What're you holding behind your back?
- Just...
- Just don't be-
What is... what're you hiding
behind your back? Just show me.
It's a jar of peanut butter, all right?
Sue me.
That's mayonnaise.
That is a jar of mayonnaise.
That is not peanut butter.
Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise?
Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise?
I'm not holding a jar of mayonnaise.
- You know what?
I am fucking done with this shit, okay?
I had to get up at 5:00 a. m.
- I had to be at work at 6:00.
I had an exhausting day.
I just wanna come home,
unwind, relax,
and I come home to a mess
that I have to clean up-
- No, no! I will have to clean it up.
Because you'll make it worse
if you try to, okay?
- You know what?
I'm fucking done with this.
- You are so immature.
- I cannot leave you alone
without you getting shit-faced.
This is what I deal with Monday through...
- Who are you talking to right now?
You just gestured to the sink.
- What does that mean?
Okay, you know what?
This bit is getting
a little too weird and meta.
Okay, we're done with it.
I agree.
Where's that going?
Sometimes you don't write an end to a bit,
so you skip it.
Before they know it,
you're on to the next thing.
Guys, I was at the store recently.
And, uh, no, I will save you time.
I bought something.
No, no, no, no. No.
Sit in silence.
Do you guys know
what continuity errors are?
It's where in one shot
something's one way,
in another shot it's another way.
You know those things?
Anyway...
This comedy performance
is brought to you in part by...
- ... Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
? Flamin' Hot Cheetos ?
? They're like regular Cheetos
But they're flamin' hot ?
? Normal Cheetos are for pussies ?
? But Flamin' Cheetos are not ?
? For pussies, that is ?
They're not sponsoring me.
I'm just trying to get them to.
They're not returning my calls.
Evasively cheesy is more like it.
Mmm. Label-less water.
Nothing tastes better
than not getting sued.
I, uh...
I don't love my fans.
I have to be...
I don't. You don't want that...
You don't want that desperate,
sort of cloying thing from an entertainer.
"My fans, oh,
they stick with me through everything,
through thick and thin. "
Do not stick with me through thick.
If I stop entertaining you,
throw me to the curb.
You wouldn't stick with your mechanic
if he stopped fixing your car.
I'm in a service industry.
I'm just overpaid, okay?
And a lot of...
I feel a lot of artists,
pop artists especially,
sort of infringe upon...
responsibilities that just aren't theirs,
in terms of their audience,
maintaining their audience
at an emotional level.
Some of you might be sad
and going through things.
I feel for that.
Life is tough.
I'm not gonna fix that with a song.
Like "Brave" or "Roar. "
You know these inspirational...
What I'm trying to say...
is don't listen to a song...
like this.
- ? Have you ever felt sad or lonely? ?
? Have you even felt two feet tall? ?
? Have you ever thought ?
? "Man, if only
I was anybody else at all"? ?
? They like to kick you
When times get rough ?
? Then you give your all
But it's not enough ?
? And sticks and stones
Might break your bones ?
? But words can break your heart ?
? But if you don't know where to go ?
? I'll show you where to start ?
- ? Kill yourself ?
? It will only take a minute
And you'll be happy that you did it ?
? Just go over to your oven
And shove your head in it ?
? Kill yourself ?
? Really, you should do it
There's really nothing to it ?
? Just grab a mug
And chug a cup of lighter fluid ?
Okay. Now...
I feel like you pulled back.
Maybe it's on account of the fact
that I'm telling you
to kill yourself over and over again.
I'm just trying to make a simple point.
That these... That life's toughest
problems don't have simple answers.
You shouldn't just be brave.
You shouldn't just roar.
You shouldn't kill yourself.
But I understand that...
it's a sensitive subject and you're
probably just hearing me say that.
And I've dealt with...
I don't want to be... Look.
? I sound un-empathetic ?
? I sound mean and rude ?
? Suicide is an epidemic ?
? And I don't want to be misconstrued ?
? Signs of depression go overlooked ?
? So if you're depressed ?
? Then you need to book
A therapy session ?
? Talk about your depression ?
? And let a professional hear it ?
? But if you search for moral wisdom ?
? In Katy Perry's lyrics, then ?
- ? Kill yourself ?
? It won't be painful
If you are able ?
? To give a little kiss
To an oncoming train ?
? You'll kill yourself ?
? It's over, mull it ?
? There's a trigger, pull it ?
? Get it through your head
"It" being a bullet ?
? Stick your tongue in a plug ?
? Suck a pipe of exhaust ?
? Make some toast in the tub ?
? Nail yourself to a cross ?
? Hold your breath 'til it's gone ?
? Drink a gallon of Mace ?
? Be gay in Iran ?
- ? Let Oprah sit on your face ?
? Jump off of a bridge ?
? Skinny dip in a flood ?
? Skydive attached to a fridge ?
? Drink a Haitian guy's blood ?
? Break into the zoo ?
? Give the tiger a shove ?
? Eat a Phillips-head screw ?
- ? Marry Courtney Love ?
Sorry.
Don't kill yourself.
I don't like explaining jokes that...
The joke where I tell everyone
to kill themselves
might deserve an explanation. Do not!
And if you're offended,
do not write a blog.
I apologize immediately.
Sorry! Right away!
Whoo!
What's that, ma'am?
What did you say?
This is your moment. Who said it?
Take your pants off!
Do not objectify me, okay?
You think it's okay
just 'cause I'm a dude?
Do it!
You think it's okay
'cause he's a dude?
That is homophobia.
Just the fact that you find it funny.
"Ooh, a guy said take off your pants.
That's not God's way. "
Jesus Christ, you bigots.
I, uh...
Show's been pretty rock and roll so far.
You know, I know it.
And I...
I'd love to keep it going,
but life is not always rock and roll.
I'm not gonna keep life out of my show.
I went through a pretty rough...
uh, breakup recently.
It was a long time coming.
Uh, we had a lot of conversations
about it, she and I.
But recently we had the conversation...
It wasn't recent, but I remember it
like it was yesterday, you know?
She came out of the shower,
her hair wet, her shoulders wet.
It was a shower. It's water.
She turned to me and she said it...
She said...
? It's over ?
? We shouldn't fight to stay together
Just to fight again ?
? It's over
We're unhappy ?
? We need to take a break
From us to make us right again ?
? And even though it's not gonna go
Any further ?
? I swear I don't regret a second of it ?
? And when the dust has settled ?
? I hope we can still be friends ?
Then I said...
? Eat a dick ?
? Eat a fucking dick, like this ?
? Put on your dick-eating gloves ?
? Get ready to gobble a dick up ?
? If you don't like this dick sitch ?
? Eat a dick, bitch ?
I think I made the right decision.
? Okay, you're angry ?
? I can see that ?
? But you don't need to make this harder
Than it has to be ?
? I try to speak to you ?
? But you won't listen- ?
? Eat a dick ?
? Hold on
Please just let me- ?
? Eat a dick ?
Oh, my God.
? Honestly, are you fucking five? ?
? I am trying to talk this out ?
? You refuse to even listen to me ?
I'm saying
how I'm feeling, okay?
And then you're saying...
"eat a dick" over and over again.
Does that seem mature to you?
? No, it doesn't
But see, I think the issue is ?
? I've got my father's temper ?
? And I'm emotionally inarticulate ?
? So rather than being honest
And vulnerable ?
? I did a quick switch
Because I'm hurting inside ?
? And I'm trying to hide it
So eat a dick, man ?
I thought we had
a future together, you fucking whore.
? I didn't think
You'd cry for me ?
? I didn't think you cared ?
? I thought you were
Lashing out in anger ?
? But now I see you're scared ?
? I'm scared, too ?
? Maybe we can work this out ?
? And not break up ?
Really?
? No, lick my clit ?
? Lick my motherfucking clit ?
? You think three lousy tears ?
? Offsets three years of shit? ?
? I deserve better than you ?
? Get me wetter, then screw ?
? Sorry you're not what I need, hun ?
? Lick this clit then leave, son ?
Hey, if you guys are having a good time,
make some silence.
Cool.
Uh...
What's this show about?
What am I talking about, you know?
To... to summarize the show, though...
Me! Me! Me!
But...
if you take one thing away from my show...
I hope it's a T-shirt.
We're selling them out there.
This is all a front for the brand.
But what is this show about?
What do you think, industrial piping?
Close.
Stay out of it.
It's about...
Mute this.
But for real, what is it about?
It's about...
performing...
I try to...
...make my show about other things,
but it always ends up
becoming about performing.
I started performing very young,
as a teenager, you know, professionally.
And as a comedian,
what you're supposed to do...
You're supposed to talk
about what you know.
And what I knew always was performing.
So to talk about...
traffic or laundry
felt incredibly disingenuous.
But I worried that making a show
about performing would be too meta.
It wouldn't be relatable to people
that aren't performers.
But what I found is that
I don't think anyone isn't.
Could we get the house lights up
for a second? And could you...
Let the lights on stage...
Let the artifice fade away.
Now we're all the same.
I mean, you're all facing this way still.
You know, I look out at...
I look out at you and, um...
It's a very diverse crowd.
I mean, more European
than I would've hoped, but...
we'll get there.
If I look at the young people...
You know, and I feel like...
I was born in 1990
and I was sort of raised in America
when it was a cult of self-expression.
And I was just taught,
you know, express myself
and have things to say
and everyone will care about them.
And I think everyone was taught that
and most of us found out
no one gives a shit what we think.
So we flock to performers
by the thousands
'cause we're the few
that have found an audience.
And then I'm supposed to get up here
and say, "Follow your dreams,"
as if this is a meritocracy?
It is not, okay?
I had a privileged life
and I got lucky and I'm unhappy.
They say it's... it's like
the me generation. It's not.
It's not...
The arrogance is taught
or it was cultivated.
It's... it's self-conscious.
That's what it is. It's the...
It's conscious of self...
Social media...
it's just the market's answer
to a generation that demanded to perform.
So the market said,
"Here, perform everything
to each other all the time
for no reason. "
It's prison, it's horrific.
It is performer and audience
melded together.
What do we want more than to lie
in our bed at the end of the day
and just watch our life
as a satisfied audience member?
I know very little about anything,
but what I do know is that
if you can live your life
without an audience...
you should do it.
And now you're thinking...
"How the fuck are you gonna dig the show
out of this weird hole?"
Oh, you want me to be funny
and make a point?
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
Batman. So... how do we do it?
We do it like this.
I went to Kanye West's recent tour,
the Yeezus Tour.
It was a big, dramatic, theatrical show.
He did something very strange
at the end of his show
where he ranted...
for, like, 20 minutes.
It was kind of a rant,
kind of a song.
He had auto-tune on his voice
and there was an instrumental
in the background...
...like this instrumental.
He talked about his problems...
race...
power.
His $90 T-shirts
weren't selling very well.
That was most of it.
And I watched this.
I thought maybe I could do this.
I'll be honest, my problems
are not as high-stakes as Kanye's,
but I have problems.
And maybe a crowd in New York
would be nice enough to indulge me.
So as we get to the end
of a night of theater...
and comedy
and sweaters coming on and off,
I got one question for you...
And that question is...
? Can I say my shit, New York? ?
? Can I say my shit? ?
? I got lots of shit to say ?
? I can't fit my hand
Inside a Pringle can ?
? I have a huge amount of trouble
Fitting my hand inside of a Pringle can ?
? I can get my hand
Like four inches into the can ?
? But then I have to tilt the can
Into my mouth ?
? But by that point a bunch of crumbs have
Accumulated at the bottom of the can ?
? So they all go
Spilling onto my face ?
? What I'm trying to say
Is the diameter of Pringle cans ?
? Is way too small ?
? I'll say it again ?
? The diameter of Pringle cans
Is way too small ?
? Two radiuses of a Pringle can
Is way too small ?
? If you feel me
Put your hands up ?
? Come on ?
? If you feel me
Put your hands up ?
? Look at all these hands
That are way too big ?
? To fit inside a Pringle can ?
? Your hands are too big
To fit inside of Pringle cans ?
? Your hands are too big
To fit inside a Pringle can ?
? You think you can ?
? I know you can't
You think you can ?
? Pringles, listen to the people ?
? I'm sure 90%
Of the complaint letters you get ?
? Are about the width of your cans ?
Just... make 'em wider.
I've overdone the Pringles thing.
Sorry.
? I wanna have a daughter ?
? Wanna have a daughter ?
? So I can finally have
Someone around the house ?
? Who can fit their hands
In a Pringle can ?
? Yes, I'm still
On the Pringle cans thing ?
Yeah.
I'll... I'll move on, all right?
? But that is priority numero uno ?
? I don't go to the gym ?
? 'Cause I'm self-conscious
About my body ?
?... body... ?
? But I'm self-conscious
About my body ?
? 'Cause I don't go to the gym ?
? Irony can be so painful ?
? That's a catch-22 ?
? Let's do this ?
? I went to Chipotle ?
? Went to Chipotle ?
? Got myself a chicken burrito ?
? I went down the line
I got, like, all these ingredients ?
? And then at the end of the line
The guy tried to wrap the burrito ?
? But half of the shit
Inside the burrito spilled out ?
? He still wrapped it ?
? I was, like
"Dude, you should have warned me ?
? You're a burrito expert ?
? You should have told me
Halfway through ?
? 'Hey, man, you might be reaching
Maximum burrito capacity here' ?
? Do you think I want a messy burrito? ?
? No one wants a messy burrito" ?
? The whole appeal of a burrito
Is that all of the ingredients ?
? Are contained
Within the confines of the tortilla ?
? I wouldn't have gotten half this shit ?
? If I knew it wasn't gonna fit
In the burrito, all right? Look... ?
? I wouldn't have got the lettuce
If I knew it wouldn't fit ?
? Wouldn't have got the cheese
If I knew it wouldn't fit ?
? Wouldn't have got the peppers
If I knew they wouldn't fit ?
? I wouldn't have got
Half of it ?
? Like, I'm okay with small mistakes ?
? If you got no more chicken
I'll take pork ?
? But I'll blow my dad
Before I eat a burrito with a fork ?
? I wouldn't have got the lettuce
If I knew it wouldn't fit ?
? Wouldn't have got the cheese
If I knew it wouldn't fit ?
? Wouldn't have got the peppers
If I knew they wouldn't fit ?
? Man, I wouldn't have got
Half of it, like ?
? Half of it, like
Half of it, like ?
? Half of it, like
Half of it ?
? Right now, I think it's time ?
? I think it's time
That we break it down ?
? I can sit here and pretend ?
? Like my biggest problems
Are Pringle cans ?
? And burritos ?
? The truth is
My biggest problem's you ?
? I wanna please you ?
? But I wanna stay true to myself ?
? I wanna give you the night out
That you deserve ?
? But I wanna sing what I think ?
? And not care
What you think about it ?
? A part of me loves you ?
? A part of me hates you ?
? A part of me needs you ?
? A part of me fears you ?
? And I don't think
That I can handle this right now ?
? Handle this right now ?
? I don't think
That I can handle this right now ?
? I don't think
That I can handle this right ?
? Look at them
They're just staring at me ?
? Like, "Come and watch
The skinny kid ?
? With a steadily declining
Mental health" ?
? And laugh as he attempts to give you
What he cannot give himself ?
? I don't think
That I can handle this right ?
? But they don't even know
The half of this right ?
? But they don't even know
The half of it ?
? But I know I'm not a doctor ?
? I'm a pussy
I put on a silly show ?
? I should probably just shut up ?
? And do my job
So here I go ?
? I wouldn't have got the lettuce
If I knew it wouldn't fit ?
? Wouldn't have got the cheese
If I knew it wouldn't fit ?
? Wouldn't have got the peppers
If I knew they wouldn't fit ?
? I wouldn't have got half ?
? You can tell them anything ?
? If you just make it funny
Make it rhyme ?
? And if they still don't understand you ?
? Then you'll run it one more time ?
? I don't think
That I can handle this right ?
? Oh! ?
? Handle this right ?
? Oh! ?
? Handle this right ?
? But you don't even know
The half of this right now ?
? Right now ?
? Ha! ?
? Now ?
? Handle this right
Handle this right ?
? Handle this right now ?
Thank you. Good night.
I hope you're happy.
Oh, good, it's just us.
? Now the show is done ?
? I hope that you had gut trembling
Or something resembling fun ?
? And if you watch this thing alone ?
? You probably didn't laugh ?
? But maybe a few times
You exhaled out of your nose ?
? But if you hated it, that's fair ?
? But either way ?
? Could you find a little more time
For a parting questionnaire? ?
? On a scale from one to zero ?
? Are you happy? ?
? 'Cause you're on your own from here ?
? So, are you happy? ?
? I'm open to suggestions ?
? Are you happy? ?
? But what the fuck kind of question is
"Am I happy?" ?
? I really wanna try to get happy
And I think that I could get it ?
? If I didn't always panic
Every time I'm unhappy in life ?
? I'm owed some life
Where I'm always, like, happy ?
? Which is stupid 'cause
I wouldn't even want it if I got it ?
? Wait, oh, God, my dad was right ?
? So if you know
Or ever knew how ?
? To be happy ?
? On a scale from one to two now ?
? Are you happy? ?
? You're everything you hated ?
? Are you happy? ?
? Hey, look, Ma
I made it ?
? Are you happy? ?
a difficult thing for me.
My mother has always been
a very difficult person all her life.
Very unhappy. I can never remember
my mother being happy.
And as she gets older,
however she was as a young person,
I find it's just now exaggerated
and, uh...
so, she's, uh, 83
and now very extremely negative,
very extremely unhappy, and, uh...
that has been hard for me...
Hello, audience.
Thank you for coming.
You are here because you want to laugh...
and you want to forget
about your problems.
But I cannot allow it.
You should not laugh.
You should not forget
about your problems.
The world is not funny.
- We are all dying.
The world is not funny.
Twelve percent of the world's population
does not have access
to clean drinking water.
The world is not funny.
Guy Fieri owns
two functioning restaurants.
- The world is not funny.
So then...
now that we understand the context,
now that we realize
how terribly unfunny the world is...
let's do this.
Entertainers are not here
to help you.
They are here to control you.
- Never listen to them.
Never give them what they want.
And most importantly,
never make some fucking noise!
? Ladies! ?
? Ladies, if you feel me
Say, "Hell, yeah!" ?
Hell, yeah!
? Fellas! Come on, fellas
If you feel me, say, "Hell, yeah!" ?
Hell, yeah!
? Virgins, if you haven't felt a person
Say, "Hell, yeah!" ?
Hell, yeah!
? If you can divide by zero
Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!" ?
Hell, yeah!
No, you can't.
Mathematically impossible.
Listen.
Don't be Pavlovian.
I'm looking for actual answers here.
Trying to gather information.
Let's go.
? If you like drinking booze
Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!" ?
Hell, yeah!
? If you like smoking weed
Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!" ?
Hell, yeah!
Gotcha. Get these motherfuckers.
Get down on the ground!
Where's the weed?
Yeah,
we got a room full of potheads.
We're gonna need backup.
Over.
Psych!
? If you don't give a fuck
About the law ?
? Let me hear you say
"Fuck the police" ?
Fuck the police.
? If that seems oversimplified to you
Let me hear you say ?
? "It's a really tough job
And they're doing their best" ?
? If you know nothing about the conflict
Between Israel and Palestine ?
? And thus feel super uncomfortable ?
? Weighing in on it
Til you've read about it ?
? Let me hear you say
"No comment" ?
No comment!
Good call. I have no idea
what's going on over there.
What are they fighting about?
They have similar hats.
? If you want to start the show ?
? Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah"
Come on ?
Hell, yeah!
? If my name's Bo... ?
Whoops.
I think you're done
with this call and response shit.
That's what I thought.
If you want me to get introspective,
let's get introspective.
? I can't wrap my mind around
Exactly why I'm here ?
? I know you paid money
I should be funny ?
? Other than that
Don't know why I'm here ?
? To make you laugh, right?
That's only half-right ?
? Look at the world
I don't know why I'm here ?
? All this laughter can't
Feed starving Africans ?
? I just hope I don't
Get more from this than you do ?
? I would love to tell you
That everything is fine ?
? You wanna be happy ?
? Well, get in line ?
? Yeah, this is almost
Musically incoherent at this point ?
? Y'all ain't never seen a comedy show
Like this in your fucking life ?
? And for good reason ?
- ? It gets old after a few minutes ?
? You'll see ?
? Let's get this show going ?
? Let's get this show started
Okay ?
? One, two, three, four ?
So I was at the dentist the other day...
Yeah.
And nothing funny happened,
so I was like,
"Don't mention that on stage. "
I already fucked it up.
I love you!
No, you fucking don't.
You do not.
Haters gonna hate,
lovers gonna love.
You need to reject
both sides of the spectrum
to leave a... healthy middle.
I love the idea of you!
Stop participating.
Not a participatory thing
going on up here.
Trying to immortalize something
I've worked on for a long time.
Shut up!
I have not...
made my mind up about...
masturbation.
It's weird and I'm torn.
You know,
'cause on one hand, it feels good.
Did you not think
I was gonna use it, idiots?
It's not a prop.
It will be used intermittently.
Guys...
I've got a lot of problems in my life.
I wrote a song
about some of the problems in my life.
I hope that some of you can relate to it.
Here we go.
? Walking around
I got no one to talk to ?
? There's everyone ?
? And then there's just me ?
? If I could change
Don't you think that I'd do it ?
? God only knows
Why he cursed me to be ?
? A straight white man ?
? I state my problems ?
? Other people roll their eyes ?
? Three trips to the mall ?
? Zero khakis in my size ?
? I've never been the victim
Of a random search for drugs ?
? But you can't say
My life is easy ?
? Until you've walked a mile in my Uggs ?
? Straight white man ?
? I know the road looks tough ahead ?
? The women want rights ?
? The gays want kids ?
What?
? Can't you just leave us alone? ?
? And also
"No" to the things you asked for ?
They're being greedy
and they know it, okay?
? Everyone thinks that I've got it easy ?
? And just 'cause it's true ?
? Doesn't mean that it's right ?
? So pull up a chair ?
? And put down your pitchforks ?
? Give me a chance ?
? To show you what it is like ?
? To be a straight white man ?
? The churches never made me
Feel ashamed of who I am ?
? But I get emails from Zappos
That Gmail doesn't mark as spam ?
? My country's constitution
Was handwritten by my race ?
? But my wife bought me
The brand new iPhone ?
? With an iPod Touch's case ?
Case doesn't fit that phone.
? Straight white man ?
? I know the road looks tough ahead ?
? The women want rights ?
? The blacks want
Not to be called "the blacks" ?
Sorry.
? Can't you just leave us alone? ?
? Also, "no" to the things you asked for ?
? No ?
? Straight white man ?
? I know the road looks tough ahead ?
? The women want rights ?
? The African Amer- ?
? We used to have all the money and land ?
? And we still do
But it's not as fun now ?
Thank you.
If you were offended by that,
it was ironic.
Isn't that fun?
I meant the whole opposite of it.
White guys, it's easy to be a white guy.
Yeah!
Yeah, white guy, we deserve a...
cheer once in a while.
Very easy to be a white guy.
Very easy.
But white guys get a lot of shit
and it's not fair,
'cause we've done
a lot of things, you know?
We invented a lot of stuff.
White guys invented everything
but peanut butter, I believe.
That's what I was taught in school.
Everything but peanut butter.
Doesn't sound right,
but the American educational system
having a racial bias?
No way, Joseph.
Guys, white... white people
are a little uncomfortable.
We'll do a racial joke
about the white people
so you don't feel uncomfortable.
White people,
we like the same foods.
Favorite sandwich,
peanut butter and...
- Jelly!
- ... jelly.
- Macaroni and...
- Cheese!
Our favorite chips,
salt and vi...
- ... negar!
- Wow!
Who said it?
Get the cameras on them.
Your grandkids are gonna see this,
know what a bigot
their grandfather or grandmother were.
Every non-white person,
see who said that,
find them after the show.
Put the lights down.
Their faces creep me out.
Guys, I'm not "perfect," okay?
I don't "use air quotes correctly,"
all right?
But I am against double standards
across the board.
Why is it...
that when a woman
wears revealing clothing,
she's labeled a slut,
yet if I were to wear
her skin as a jacket,
I'm a murderer?
What?
If I fuck a kid,
I'm a pedophile,
but if a kid fucks me,
I'm the pedophile again?
Twice in a week?
What is this?
Hey, Bo.
Do you want to sing a song with us?
- Great!
- That's all right.
- You'll figure it out.
- ? Hey, Bo, guess what? ?
- ? You're a faggot ?
Wasn't clever, it was just mean.
Bigoted.
I apologize for that.
So I was interrupted the other day
while my-
Hey, Bo.
- You want to sing another song together?
- Too bad.
? Hey, Bo, guess what? ?
- Correct!
It's not funny.
? You're a faggot, you're a faggot
You're a fucking faggot ?
? You're a faggot, you're a fucking... ?
Can you turn the lights off at least?
? You're a faggot, you're a faggot
You're a fucking faggot... ?
Is this funny to you people?
Turn it off. Turn the track off!
Why was it on a record player?
You got a record player back there?
You have hooked up a record player?
You know,
it's one thing to make that,
but to press it onto vinyl
is a whole other thing, all right?
It's gonna outlive me.
Just to be clear,
I wrote, conceived and executed
the entirety of that bit.
Do not give those dumb fucks any credit.
It's all me, baby.
All me.
Look at you people
in the Abe Lincoln seats.
Bam! Too late.
Too late.
How dare you make that joke so late?
I'm a big fan of hip-hop.
'Cause I like words.
I like poetry.
And hip-hop feels like a way
to condense a lot of those things
into a short amount of time.
There are artists
that still do that. Uh...
Yeah, Kendrick Lamar,
very word-heavy, very poetic. But-
What are you doing?
Look, this is my show.
Do not veer credit
to people outside this building.
Most...
most...
Hip-hop artists, for me,
and it is for me, hip-hop,
has traded in words and poetry
for beat fetishism.
It's where you make a sick beat
and then you rap anything over it.
And people lose their minds.
I'll give you an example.
Is there a sick beat back there for me?
Oh, shit!
? I am not one of you ?
? I am not a human being ?
? You know what I am? ?
? I'm a little teapot
Short and stout ?
? Here is my handle
Here is my spout ?
? When I get all steamed up
Then I shout ?
? Sing it
Tip me over and... ?
- Pour me out!
- Let's go.
? Pour me out
Pour me out ?
? Tip me over
And pour me out ?
? Nigga, pour me out ?
? Pour me out ?
- ? Tip me over and pour me out ?
? Baa, baa, black sheep
Have you any wool? ?
? Yes, sir, yes, sir, three bags full ?
? One for the master, one for the dame ?
? One for the little boy
That's livin' down the lane ?
- ? Baa ?
? Lives down the lane ?
- ? Whoo! ?
- ? Lives down the lane ?
Why is there a young boy
living alone down the lane?
Who signed this boy's lease?
Am I the only one
concerned for this little boy?
Two examples is enough.
Okay, thank you.
A lesser comedian
would have milked that for four verses.
And a better comedian
wouldn't have done it all.
I'm right in the sweet spot.
These, uh...
These cannons cost $200,
just for that joke.
I could give that money
to a homeless person, make their day,
and I don't do that very often.
That is my first decision every morning.
Not today. Nah.
I'll do that tomorrow.
Tomorrow comes and it's still today.
Tomorrow's a relative term.
We're not getting there.
Annie
Fuck you.
You don't know where I'm going.
Don't act like it.
You are not ahead of me.
I will retain the element of surprise.
I'm trying to work on my improv.
My show is very planned,
uh, to the word.
You know, to the gesture.
And I'm trying to break out of that.
I want to make something
brand new for every show,
that only a few people get to experience.
- What's your name, man?
- Rob.
Rob? All right.
I'm gonna try to make up a song
about Rob...
off the top of my head.
This might not work.
Um, it's just...
It's to keep me sharp, trying to...
I'm stalling,
trying to think of rhymes for Rob.
It's not fair.
Okay.
Song about Rob.
Hit the track.
Fuck.
? Bo had sex with... ?
- ? Rob's... ?
- ? Mom ?
? Bo had sex with... ?
- ? Rob's... ?
- ? Mom ?
Bo, I heard you had sex
with older woman last night.
I did.
- What's her son's name?
- ? Bo had sex with... ?
- ? Rob's... ?
- ? Mom ?
? Bo had sex with... ?
- ? Rob's... ?
- ? Mom ?
? I fucked her for an hour
Then left when I was done ?
? 'Cause fucking is her game
And Rob is her son ?
Did we plan that? We did not plan that.
How does he do it?
How does he pretend to do it?
How does he remain contrived?
I'm not... I'm not honest
for a second up here!
Honesty is for the birds, baby.
You want an honest comedian,
go see the rest of them, all right?
"This thing actually happened. "
Cool.
Whoo!
Boy, oh, boy.
Any big fans of country music out there?
Yeah.
Ooh, some people extending my name.
"Boo," that's also approval.
Uh, I think...
I think country music...
gets a bad rep.
You know, why is it that
when Bruce Springsteen
sings about a fucking turnpike it is art,
and then when someone sings
about a horse,
it's dumb inherently?
I don't think...
I think some of the greatest songwriters
of all time are country artists.
Dolly Parton, Willie Nelson...
You know?
And if you're writing honestly,
that is art.
And I would never bash that.
Um, the problem is...
with a lot of modern country music,
what is called stadium country music,
the sort of Keith Urban brand
of country music,
is that it is not honest.
It is the exact opposite of honest.
Where instead of people
actually telling their stories,
you got a bunch
of millionaire metrosexuals
who've never done
a hard day's work in their life,
but they figured out the words
and the phrases they can use
to pander to their audience,
and they list the same words
and phrases off,
sort of mad-lib style in every song,
raking in millions of dollars
from actual working-class people.
You know the words.
You know the phrases.
Phrases like...
? A dirt road, a cold beer ?
? A blue jeans, a red pickup ?
? A rural noun, simple adjective ?
? No shoes, no shirt ?
? No Jews
You didn't hear that ?
Sort of a mental typo.
? I walk and talk like a field hand ?
? But the boots I'm wearing
Cost three grand ?
? I write songs about riding tractors ?
? From the comfort of a private jet ?
? I could sing in Mandarin ?
? You'd still know I'm pandering ?
? Hunting deer, chasing trout ?
? A Bud Light with the logo facing out ?
? Hear that subtle mandolin ?
? That's textbook pandering ?
? I own a private ranch
That I rarely use ?
I don't like dirt.
One verse, one chorus in the bag.
Now it's time to talk to the ladies.
I'm hoping my Southern charm offsets
all these rape-y vibes I'm putting out.
? Good girl in a straw hat ?
? With her arms out in a cornfield ?
? That is a scarecrow ?
Thought it was a human woman.
Sorry.
? A cold night, a cold beer ?
? A cold jeans
Strike that last one ?
? I'm wanting you
I hope you're feeling me ?
Subtextually.
? We go to bed
You doze off ?
? So I take your country girl
Clothes off ?
? I put my hands on your body ?
? It feels like hay
It's a fucking scarecrow again ?
? Like Mike's Evander-ing ?
? Fuck your ears, I'm pandering ?
? I write songs for the people who do ?
? Jobs in the towns
That I'd never move to ?
? Legalize gerrymandering ?
? Tolerate my pandering ?
? You got a beautiful mouth ?
? I got a beautiful... ?
Y'all dumb motherfuckers
want a key change?
? Thematically meandering ?
? Emphatically pandering ?
? I got a tight grip on my demo's balls ?
? Say the word "truck"
They jizz in their overalls ?
? You don't know what land you're in ?
? I'm in the land of pandering ?
? And I'll be upfront ?
? I do what I do
'Cause I'm a total fucking country boy ?
You know, like, that genre.
They're lying to you.
That's all.
They're lying...
Entertainers, they are lying
and they are manipulating you.
And it's not in a good way.
It's like advertising. You deserve better.
I'm not saying I'm it,
but I'm the guy that says
you deserve better.
You go get better.
You say, "Thank you, weird man. Bye. "
The Tonight Show,
It's the end of culture.
Culture's over, everybody.
We lost.
This is entertainment.
How is this entertainment?
People we've seen too much of
mouthing along to songs
we've heard too much of.
And this the bread and butter
of American television.
And it's always one of two things
on celebrity lip-syncing.
It's either a male celebrity lip-syncing
to a woman's song...
"But he's not... "
Or it's a rich, young white actress
ironically lip-syncing to a hip-hop song.
? Fuck the police
Coming straight from the underground ?
Can you believe this song
was once an honest articulation
of class struggle?
Fuck these people.
How dare they think
that them fucking around
is worthy of your attention?
Them playing Pictionary?
Your attention's a valuable thing.
I worked for three years
to get it for an hour.
And I barely get there.
See?
I saw a gorgeous...
dick.
I was in the public restroom.
Some guys might be like me.
I cannot use a urinal
when there's a guy beside me.
I freeze up.
So I have to use the stalls.
In this case, all the stalls were taken.
I had to use a urinal.
There was a guy beside me.
I took a little look.
You're not picturing this.
All right.
The bit is over.
I'm not talking into his dick now.
I didn't rip off his dick.
And I'm now not talking
into a severed dick.
The show is a series of discrete bits.
That one's over.
God, if you don't get that...
Reset the momentum.
I cannot be coasting
off the inertia of past jokes.
Need to earn it.
Every bit should come out of a vacuum, eh?
We all want love.
How many single ladies out there
looking for love tonight?
Whoo!
Yeah. "Whoo" that sadness out.
There's more where that came from.
Ladies, I know what you want.
Want.
Want.
? You want a guy that's sweet
A guy that's tough ?
? A feminist who likes to pay for stuff ?
? The kinda guy that gets
Along with your friends ?
? Without being attracted to any of them ?
? A good boy, a bad boy, a good bad boy ?
? A half-good, half-bad half-boy ?
? Loves your brother
Sensitive but not weak ?
? And is a great lover
Calls your mother on the weekend ?
? Though you might think
That this guy only exists in your mind ?
? But guess what? ?
? You're right ?
? If you want love ?
? Lower your expectations a few ?
? Because Prince Charming
Would never settle for you ?
? If you want love ?
? Just pick a guy and love him ?
? And if he's got a thing for feet ?
? Say fuck it, sweep me off them ?
Now...
the good thing is that, uh...
At least men have very realistic
expectations for women...
he said, sarcastically setting up
a second verse in a comedy song.
? You want a girl that's nice
A girl that's not ?
? Obsessed with her looks
But is insanely hot ?
? The kind of girl that you can
Show to your folks ?
? Loves the movies that you like
And always laughs at your jokes ?
? A real girl, a hot girl,
A really hot girl ?
? A brand new really hot real doll ?
? Wants to impress you
Doesn't care if you notice ?
? And only ever uses you
To tickle her throat with ?
? Though you might think that this girl
Only exists in your mind ?
? But she's real
But last week, she died ?
? If you want love ?
? Lower your expectations a lot ?
? You might think your dick is a gift
I promise it's not ?
- ? If you want love ?
? Just pick a girl and love her ?
? Then whip out your dick and
Let the girl you love decline the offer ?
? I don't want a neat freak
I don't want a slob ?
? Somebody with bedhead
And a dead-end job ?
? 'Cause I won't settle for less ?
? Than perfect ?
? We want perfect children
A perfect life ?
? Perfect husband or a perfect wife ?
? But deep down, we know ?
? We don't deserve it ?
? But ?
? We all deserve love ?
? Even on the days
When we aren't our best ?
? 'Cause we all suck ?
? But love can make us suck less ?
? We all deserve love ?
? It's the very best part of being alive ?
? And I would know
I just turned 25 ?
That's young.
Original does not mean good.
Anyone can do anything.
Don't let me off the hook too easy.
? War, huh, good God, y'all ?
? What is it good for? ?
? Increasing domestic manufacturing ?
All right. Uh...
I don't want to get political
'cause I only know
my own ideas of other people's ideas.
We just played in Alabama.
They just like the lights.
I didn't even need to do jokes.
"Motherfucker's got moving candles. "
No, not quite.
Alabama was actually nice.
You're elitist pricks.
Isn't that fun?
Yeah, you like that.
And now...
what making a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich feels like
when you're high on marijuana.
And now...
what making a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich feels like...
when you're shit-faced.
Hey, baby, I'm home.
- Honey, you okay? What's wrong?
Are you drunk?
Have you been...
You've been drinking, haven't you?
You've been fuck...
You're fucking wasted, aren't...
- I can't hear you.
Speak into the microphone.
I'm not.
What's behind your back?
What're you holding behind your back?
- Just...
- Just don't be-
What is... what're you hiding
behind your back? Just show me.
It's a jar of peanut butter, all right?
Sue me.
That's mayonnaise.
That is a jar of mayonnaise.
That is not peanut butter.
Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise?
Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise?
I'm not holding a jar of mayonnaise.
- You know what?
I am fucking done with this shit, okay?
I had to get up at 5:00 a. m.
- I had to be at work at 6:00.
I had an exhausting day.
I just wanna come home,
unwind, relax,
and I come home to a mess
that I have to clean up-
- No, no! I will have to clean it up.
Because you'll make it worse
if you try to, okay?
- You know what?
I'm fucking done with this.
- You are so immature.
- I cannot leave you alone
without you getting shit-faced.
This is what I deal with Monday through...
- Who are you talking to right now?
You just gestured to the sink.
- What does that mean?
Okay, you know what?
This bit is getting
a little too weird and meta.
Okay, we're done with it.
I agree.
Where's that going?
Sometimes you don't write an end to a bit,
so you skip it.
Before they know it,
you're on to the next thing.
Guys, I was at the store recently.
And, uh, no, I will save you time.
I bought something.
No, no, no, no. No.
Sit in silence.
Do you guys know
what continuity errors are?
It's where in one shot
something's one way,
in another shot it's another way.
You know those things?
Anyway...
This comedy performance
is brought to you in part by...
- ... Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
? Flamin' Hot Cheetos ?
? They're like regular Cheetos
But they're flamin' hot ?
? Normal Cheetos are for pussies ?
? But Flamin' Cheetos are not ?
? For pussies, that is ?
They're not sponsoring me.
I'm just trying to get them to.
They're not returning my calls.
Evasively cheesy is more like it.
Mmm. Label-less water.
Nothing tastes better
than not getting sued.
I, uh...
I don't love my fans.
I have to be...
I don't. You don't want that...
You don't want that desperate,
sort of cloying thing from an entertainer.
"My fans, oh,
they stick with me through everything,
through thick and thin. "
Do not stick with me through thick.
If I stop entertaining you,
throw me to the curb.
You wouldn't stick with your mechanic
if he stopped fixing your car.
I'm in a service industry.
I'm just overpaid, okay?
And a lot of...
I feel a lot of artists,
pop artists especially,
sort of infringe upon...
responsibilities that just aren't theirs,
in terms of their audience,
maintaining their audience
at an emotional level.
Some of you might be sad
and going through things.
I feel for that.
Life is tough.
I'm not gonna fix that with a song.
Like "Brave" or "Roar. "
You know these inspirational...
What I'm trying to say...
is don't listen to a song...
like this.
- ? Have you ever felt sad or lonely? ?
? Have you even felt two feet tall? ?
? Have you ever thought ?
? "Man, if only
I was anybody else at all"? ?
? They like to kick you
When times get rough ?
? Then you give your all
But it's not enough ?
? And sticks and stones
Might break your bones ?
? But words can break your heart ?
? But if you don't know where to go ?
? I'll show you where to start ?
- ? Kill yourself ?
? It will only take a minute
And you'll be happy that you did it ?
? Just go over to your oven
And shove your head in it ?
? Kill yourself ?
? Really, you should do it
There's really nothing to it ?
? Just grab a mug
And chug a cup of lighter fluid ?
Okay. Now...
I feel like you pulled back.
Maybe it's on account of the fact
that I'm telling you
to kill yourself over and over again.
I'm just trying to make a simple point.
That these... That life's toughest
problems don't have simple answers.
You shouldn't just be brave.
You shouldn't just roar.
You shouldn't kill yourself.
But I understand that...
it's a sensitive subject and you're
probably just hearing me say that.
And I've dealt with...
I don't want to be... Look.
? I sound un-empathetic ?
? I sound mean and rude ?
? Suicide is an epidemic ?
? And I don't want to be misconstrued ?
? Signs of depression go overlooked ?
? So if you're depressed ?
? Then you need to book
A therapy session ?
? Talk about your depression ?
? And let a professional hear it ?
? But if you search for moral wisdom ?
? In Katy Perry's lyrics, then ?
- ? Kill yourself ?
? It won't be painful
If you are able ?
? To give a little kiss
To an oncoming train ?
? You'll kill yourself ?
? It's over, mull it ?
? There's a trigger, pull it ?
? Get it through your head
"It" being a bullet ?
? Stick your tongue in a plug ?
? Suck a pipe of exhaust ?
? Make some toast in the tub ?
? Nail yourself to a cross ?
? Hold your breath 'til it's gone ?
? Drink a gallon of Mace ?
? Be gay in Iran ?
- ? Let Oprah sit on your face ?
? Jump off of a bridge ?
? Skinny dip in a flood ?
? Skydive attached to a fridge ?
? Drink a Haitian guy's blood ?
? Break into the zoo ?
? Give the tiger a shove ?
? Eat a Phillips-head screw ?
- ? Marry Courtney Love ?
Sorry.
Don't kill yourself.
I don't like explaining jokes that...
The joke where I tell everyone
to kill themselves
might deserve an explanation. Do not!
And if you're offended,
do not write a blog.
I apologize immediately.
Sorry! Right away!
Whoo!
What's that, ma'am?
What did you say?
This is your moment. Who said it?
Take your pants off!
Do not objectify me, okay?
You think it's okay
just 'cause I'm a dude?
Do it!
You think it's okay
'cause he's a dude?
That is homophobia.
Just the fact that you find it funny.
"Ooh, a guy said take off your pants.
That's not God's way. "
Jesus Christ, you bigots.
I, uh...
Show's been pretty rock and roll so far.
You know, I know it.
And I...
I'd love to keep it going,
but life is not always rock and roll.
I'm not gonna keep life out of my show.
I went through a pretty rough...
uh, breakup recently.
It was a long time coming.
Uh, we had a lot of conversations
about it, she and I.
But recently we had the conversation...
It wasn't recent, but I remember it
like it was yesterday, you know?
She came out of the shower,
her hair wet, her shoulders wet.
It was a shower. It's water.
She turned to me and she said it...
She said...
? It's over ?
? We shouldn't fight to stay together
Just to fight again ?
? It's over
We're unhappy ?
? We need to take a break
From us to make us right again ?
? And even though it's not gonna go
Any further ?
? I swear I don't regret a second of it ?
? And when the dust has settled ?
? I hope we can still be friends ?
Then I said...
? Eat a dick ?
? Eat a fucking dick, like this ?
? Put on your dick-eating gloves ?
? Get ready to gobble a dick up ?
? If you don't like this dick sitch ?
? Eat a dick, bitch ?
I think I made the right decision.
? Okay, you're angry ?
? I can see that ?
? But you don't need to make this harder
Than it has to be ?
? I try to speak to you ?
? But you won't listen- ?
? Eat a dick ?
? Hold on
Please just let me- ?
? Eat a dick ?
Oh, my God.
? Honestly, are you fucking five? ?
? I am trying to talk this out ?
? You refuse to even listen to me ?
I'm saying
how I'm feeling, okay?
And then you're saying...
"eat a dick" over and over again.
Does that seem mature to you?
? No, it doesn't
But see, I think the issue is ?
? I've got my father's temper ?
? And I'm emotionally inarticulate ?
? So rather than being honest
And vulnerable ?
? I did a quick switch
Because I'm hurting inside ?
? And I'm trying to hide it
So eat a dick, man ?
I thought we had
a future together, you fucking whore.
? I didn't think
You'd cry for me ?
? I didn't think you cared ?
? I thought you were
Lashing out in anger ?
? But now I see you're scared ?
? I'm scared, too ?
? Maybe we can work this out ?
? And not break up ?
Really?
? No, lick my clit ?
? Lick my motherfucking clit ?
? You think three lousy tears ?
? Offsets three years of shit? ?
? I deserve better than you ?
? Get me wetter, then screw ?
? Sorry you're not what I need, hun ?
? Lick this clit then leave, son ?
Hey, if you guys are having a good time,
make some silence.
Cool.
Uh...
What's this show about?
What am I talking about, you know?
To... to summarize the show, though...
Me! Me! Me!
But...
if you take one thing away from my show...
I hope it's a T-shirt.
We're selling them out there.
This is all a front for the brand.
But what is this show about?
What do you think, industrial piping?
Close.
Stay out of it.
It's about...
Mute this.
But for real, what is it about?
It's about...
performing...
I try to...
...make my show about other things,
but it always ends up
becoming about performing.
I started performing very young,
as a teenager, you know, professionally.
And as a comedian,
what you're supposed to do...
You're supposed to talk
about what you know.
And what I knew always was performing.
So to talk about...
traffic or laundry
felt incredibly disingenuous.
But I worried that making a show
about performing would be too meta.
It wouldn't be relatable to people
that aren't performers.
But what I found is that
I don't think anyone isn't.
Could we get the house lights up
for a second? And could you...
Let the lights on stage...
Let the artifice fade away.
Now we're all the same.
I mean, you're all facing this way still.
You know, I look out at...
I look out at you and, um...
It's a very diverse crowd.
I mean, more European
than I would've hoped, but...
we'll get there.
If I look at the young people...
You know, and I feel like...
I was born in 1990
and I was sort of raised in America
when it was a cult of self-expression.
And I was just taught,
you know, express myself
and have things to say
and everyone will care about them.
And I think everyone was taught that
and most of us found out
no one gives a shit what we think.
So we flock to performers
by the thousands
'cause we're the few
that have found an audience.
And then I'm supposed to get up here
and say, "Follow your dreams,"
as if this is a meritocracy?
It is not, okay?
I had a privileged life
and I got lucky and I'm unhappy.
They say it's... it's like
the me generation. It's not.
It's not...
The arrogance is taught
or it was cultivated.
It's... it's self-conscious.
That's what it is. It's the...
It's conscious of self...
Social media...
it's just the market's answer
to a generation that demanded to perform.
So the market said,
"Here, perform everything
to each other all the time
for no reason. "
It's prison, it's horrific.
It is performer and audience
melded together.
What do we want more than to lie
in our bed at the end of the day
and just watch our life
as a satisfied audience member?
I know very little about anything,
but what I do know is that
if you can live your life
without an audience...
you should do it.
And now you're thinking...
"How the fuck are you gonna dig the show
out of this weird hole?"
Oh, you want me to be funny
and make a point?
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
Batman. So... how do we do it?
We do it like this.
I went to Kanye West's recent tour,
the Yeezus Tour.
It was a big, dramatic, theatrical show.
He did something very strange
at the end of his show
where he ranted...
for, like, 20 minutes.
It was kind of a rant,
kind of a song.
He had auto-tune on his voice
and there was an instrumental
in the background...
...like this instrumental.
He talked about his problems...
race...
power.
His $90 T-shirts
weren't selling very well.
That was most of it.
And I watched this.
I thought maybe I could do this.
I'll be honest, my problems
are not as high-stakes as Kanye's,
but I have problems.
And maybe a crowd in New York
would be nice enough to indulge me.
So as we get to the end
of a night of theater...
and comedy
and sweaters coming on and off,
I got one question for you...
And that question is...
? Can I say my shit, New York? ?
? Can I say my shit? ?
? I got lots of shit to say ?
? I can't fit my hand
Inside a Pringle can ?
? I have a huge amount of trouble
Fitting my hand inside of a Pringle can ?
? I can get my hand
Like four inches into the can ?
? But then I have to tilt the can
Into my mouth ?
? But by that point a bunch of crumbs have
Accumulated at the bottom of the can ?
? So they all go
Spilling onto my face ?
? What I'm trying to say
Is the diameter of Pringle cans ?
? Is way too small ?
? I'll say it again ?
? The diameter of Pringle cans
Is way too small ?
? Two radiuses of a Pringle can
Is way too small ?
? If you feel me
Put your hands up ?
? Come on ?
? If you feel me
Put your hands up ?
? Look at all these hands
That are way too big ?
? To fit inside a Pringle can ?
? Your hands are too big
To fit inside of Pringle cans ?
? Your hands are too big
To fit inside a Pringle can ?
? You think you can ?
? I know you can't
You think you can ?
? Pringles, listen to the people ?
? I'm sure 90%
Of the complaint letters you get ?
? Are about the width of your cans ?
Just... make 'em wider.
I've overdone the Pringles thing.
Sorry.
? I wanna have a daughter ?
? Wanna have a daughter ?
? So I can finally have
Someone around the house ?
? Who can fit their hands
In a Pringle can ?
? Yes, I'm still
On the Pringle cans thing ?
Yeah.
I'll... I'll move on, all right?
? But that is priority numero uno ?
? I don't go to the gym ?
? 'Cause I'm self-conscious
About my body ?
?... body... ?
? But I'm self-conscious
About my body ?
? 'Cause I don't go to the gym ?
? Irony can be so painful ?
? That's a catch-22 ?
? Let's do this ?
? I went to Chipotle ?
? Went to Chipotle ?
? Got myself a chicken burrito ?
? I went down the line
I got, like, all these ingredients ?
? And then at the end of the line
The guy tried to wrap the burrito ?
? But half of the shit
Inside the burrito spilled out ?
? He still wrapped it ?
? I was, like
"Dude, you should have warned me ?
? You're a burrito expert ?
? You should have told me
Halfway through ?
? 'Hey, man, you might be reaching
Maximum burrito capacity here' ?
? Do you think I want a messy burrito? ?
? No one wants a messy burrito" ?
? The whole appeal of a burrito
Is that all of the ingredients ?
? Are contained
Within the confines of the tortilla ?
? I wouldn't have gotten half this shit ?
? If I knew it wasn't gonna fit
In the burrito, all right? Look... ?
? I wouldn't have got the lettuce
If I knew it wouldn't fit ?
? Wouldn't have got the cheese
If I knew it wouldn't fit ?
? Wouldn't have got the peppers
If I knew they wouldn't fit ?
? I wouldn't have got
Half of it ?
? Like, I'm okay with small mistakes ?
? If you got no more chicken
I'll take pork ?
? But I'll blow my dad
Before I eat a burrito with a fork ?
? I wouldn't have got the lettuce
If I knew it wouldn't fit ?
? Wouldn't have got the cheese
If I knew it wouldn't fit ?
? Wouldn't have got the peppers
If I knew they wouldn't fit ?
? Man, I wouldn't have got
Half of it, like ?
? Half of it, like
Half of it, like ?
? Half of it, like
Half of it ?
? Right now, I think it's time ?
? I think it's time
That we break it down ?
? I can sit here and pretend ?
? Like my biggest problems
Are Pringle cans ?
? And burritos ?
? The truth is
My biggest problem's you ?
? I wanna please you ?
? But I wanna stay true to myself ?
? I wanna give you the night out
That you deserve ?
? But I wanna sing what I think ?
? And not care
What you think about it ?
? A part of me loves you ?
? A part of me hates you ?
? A part of me needs you ?
? A part of me fears you ?
? And I don't think
That I can handle this right now ?
? Handle this right now ?
? I don't think
That I can handle this right now ?
? I don't think
That I can handle this right ?
? Look at them
They're just staring at me ?
? Like, "Come and watch
The skinny kid ?
? With a steadily declining
Mental health" ?
? And laugh as he attempts to give you
What he cannot give himself ?
? I don't think
That I can handle this right ?
? But they don't even know
The half of this right ?
? But they don't even know
The half of it ?
? But I know I'm not a doctor ?
? I'm a pussy
I put on a silly show ?
? I should probably just shut up ?
? And do my job
So here I go ?
? I wouldn't have got the lettuce
If I knew it wouldn't fit ?
? Wouldn't have got the cheese
If I knew it wouldn't fit ?
? Wouldn't have got the peppers
If I knew they wouldn't fit ?
? I wouldn't have got half ?
? You can tell them anything ?
? If you just make it funny
Make it rhyme ?
? And if they still don't understand you ?
? Then you'll run it one more time ?
? I don't think
That I can handle this right ?
? Oh! ?
? Handle this right ?
? Oh! ?
? Handle this right ?
? But you don't even know
The half of this right now ?
? Right now ?
? Ha! ?
? Now ?
? Handle this right
Handle this right ?
? Handle this right now ?
Thank you. Good night.
I hope you're happy.
Oh, good, it's just us.
? Now the show is done ?
? I hope that you had gut trembling
Or something resembling fun ?
? And if you watch this thing alone ?
? You probably didn't laugh ?
? But maybe a few times
You exhaled out of your nose ?
? But if you hated it, that's fair ?
? But either way ?
? Could you find a little more time
For a parting questionnaire? ?
? On a scale from one to zero ?
? Are you happy? ?
? 'Cause you're on your own from here ?
? So, are you happy? ?
? I'm open to suggestions ?
? Are you happy? ?
? But what the fuck kind of question is
"Am I happy?" ?
? I really wanna try to get happy
And I think that I could get it ?
? If I didn't always panic
Every time I'm unhappy in life ?
? I'm owed some life
Where I'm always, like, happy ?
? Which is stupid 'cause
I wouldn't even want it if I got it ?
? Wait, oh, God, my dad was right ?
? So if you know
Or ever knew how ?
? To be happy ?
? On a scale from one to two now ?
? Are you happy? ?
? You're everything you hated ?
? Are you happy? ?
? Hey, look, Ma
I made it ?
? Are you happy? ?