Malice in Lalaland (2010) Movie Script
Oh no, Malice.
Malice, stop.
Malice.
Malice.
Malice.
There you are.
Hard way or the easy way.
Malice.
Malice.
Yes.
Doctor Queenie.
We have a situation.
Oh really?
One of our patients escaped.
Malice.
You incompetent moron.
I locked her door.
I don't know what happened.
Find her.
I do everything for you.
Get out!
Oh no.
Not without me.
Hey, wait for me.
Rabbit.
Where are you rabbit?
Are you in there?
Rabbit?
Is this your home?
Weird.
What are you anyway?
Is this real or is it a costume?
At least I'm not walking
around bare-assed anymore.
There you are.
Where are you Malice?
Could you be... here?
My clothes.
Don't move asshole.
- Is this a gun?
It's a really big one.
Are you trying to break in?
That is not necessary.
I need information.
I'm looking for a girl.
You better get off my property.
I'm gone already.
You have five seconds
to get out of here.
One.
Two...
- Wait, the car won't start.
I hope to God that car don't start.
- Wait.
Four.
Get the fuck out of here.
Did you see that?
- Baby, what happened?
My pack is bigger than his.
You showed that son of a jackal.
- Yes, I did.
The way you stuck out
that gun at him.
That made me so horny.
Hey, Rabbit.
I want it.
Hey, stop that.
Yes?
It's me.
- Tell me you have her.
Well, almost.
I am on her tail, Queenie.
It's doctor Queenie to you.
Doctor, please.
Listen.
I will really hurt you
if you don't find the girl.
But Queenie, I mean doctor Queenie.
You can't be serious.
- Oh, but I am.
She escaped, because you're
too busy jerking off.
Get her back and don't call
for no good reason.
Quid pro quo.
- What?
I do something for you,
you do something for me.
What do you mean?
- I want to take pictures of you.
What kind of pictures
do you want?
Let me guess.
- It's not what you think.
I'm an artistic photographer.
- Yeah right.
Come on, do I look
like a pervert to you?
We'll see.
- Awesome.
What's your name, sweetie?
- Malice. And you?
I'm Chester Catz, with a "z".
What where you doing
in the desert on your own?
Some crazy guy was chasing me.
- Some crazy guy?
Shit, dat is hem.
Dat is Jabbowski.
The guy I was telling about.
Don't stop, go.
Stop the car, sir.
What did that guy want from you?
He's after me and he's crazy.
That's for damn sure.
Where are you going?
- Curiosity killed the cat.
Can I get one of your
nicest rooms please?
That would be a hundred bucks.
Here you go. Thank you.
So, here it is.
What do you want me to do now?
- Wait a minute.
I got some stuff in here.
You'll look great in that.
Don't you think?
- No.
Come on.
You'll look hot in that.
Come on.
Two seconds.
I am not wearing that.
No, it's for me.
You're kidding.
How can you see anything?
- I got cat eyes.
Somebody had a weird childhood.
- Whatever.
Let's start.
Want to come to
the Matt Hadder party?
Ok, cool.
What kind of party is it?
You'll find out.
I just gotta see my friend.
It's gonna be fun.
- Sure.
Kater.
What's up buddy?
I'm good mate.
Listen, I need to come around.
Cool. See you in a bit.
Cats, caterpillars...
What's next? Monkeys?
What the fuck?
What happened?
What's going on?
Shit.
Is he dead?
Hey.
Are you awake?
That's it girls, come on.
Yeah, shake it. Nice.
Shake those titties.
That's how you do it.
Kater.
Catz, my long lost buddy,
how are you?
Sit. Look what the cat dragged in.
What a pretty kitty.
Kater, this is Malice.
- Sit here so I can look at you.
Hi there.
See those girls?
They're auditioning for me.
What do you think?
I like them titties.
I like very much.
Malice, do you want to join them?
- No thanks.
You don't like girls?
- I do, but not now.
A pity.
It would be a great show.
You know what?
If I had titts...
I would squeeze them
all day long.
I would suck and I'd lick the
nipples and make myself...
all horny and everything.
I swear, I would...
Do you think I'm strange?
- Everybody has his thing, Kater.
What's yours? Pussy or dick?
As long as it's hard or wet.
- Sweet. You're my kinda girl.
Can I please see your titts?
- What? No.
Keep your eyes on the girls.
Incoming, Catz.
Thanks man.
As for you...
Don't worry.
It's not gonna kill you.
It's not gonna hurt you.
Just take a little bite,
and you're gonna feel real great.
And now?
What's gonna happen?
Don't be so impatient. Just relax.
Sit back and enjoy the great show.
And if you'll excuse me.
This is the way I like it.
Catz?
What's with him?
- He does that all the time.
Malice, let's go.
Nice place.
- Ofcourse, I know. It's mine.
Hey Matt.
It's ladies night, your friend...
she don't need to pay.
How come I never get a free ride.
- Because.
Anyway, I'd love to stay
and chat...
but I gotta go, me so horny.
Where is he going?
The cat's gonna ride
a couple of kitties.
Cute, but...
in need of a haircut.
What did you do that for?
Don't ever criticize
a girl about her hair.
That bitch is hardcore.
Do you need an enema?
I'm gonna fuck the both of you.
You wanna join?
I'm gonna browse around first.
Enjoy the bunnies.
You're just in time pretty girl.
There was no better time.
- What do you mean?
My girl here likes to watch me.
She loves it when I make out
with another girl.
Why don't you come over here?
I need to talk to you sir.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
Do I know you?
- Sir, my name is Jabbowski.
I need to ask you some questions
about someone I'm looking for.
Are you Polish?
Are you kidding me?
Nice titties girls,
keep shaking them.
Lebowski. My long lost friend.
How are you?
You are mess, what happened to you?
What?
- I'm kidding.
Sit down, take a load off.
I prefer to stand.
Have you seen a girl
with an Asian guy?
As a matter of fact I did.
Can you tell me where?
- Well, they're...
not here.
- So, where are they?
You ask me all these
difficult questions.
I am gonna ask you one more time.
Where is Malice?
- Malice, phallus.
Enjoy the show.
Don't you like my girls?
See those titties.
I want to squeeze them...
from now till next Christmas.
That's a weapon.
Is your dick that big?
Girls don't leave.
Come back.
I ask one more time,
where are they?
At a party.
- Where is this party?
At Matt Hadder's.
- Where?
My stage is empty.
What was the question?
Where are they?
- On Purple Street. Leave me alone.
My girls just left,
you know how to get them back?
Or let me see your titties.
Now you've got confidence issues.
Let me get some pictures.
Where is Malice?
- She is in one of the rooms.
Shut up and don't move.
What?
I didn't realize
you had an appointment.
Shut up.
Well, if it isn't my little friend.
Where is she?
- I don't know. What do you want?
Don't tempt me,
I will shoot.
Why don't you take
your big gun, and go fuck...
Now look what you made me do.
Holy shit, what the fuck was that?
Queenie.
I have a license plate.
I need an address.
Where is Humptee?
- What?
Look there he goes.
What are you doing here?
- I wasn't just gonna stand there.
Stop the car Todd,
we're letting her out right here.
You can't let her out,
with that creep out there.
Okay, alright.
Todd, we gotta get there.
We only got two hours.
What about Humptee, we need him.
- I'll call him.
Are you alright?
Where are you?
What do you mean, fuck off?
They were not after us. What?
He thinks that guy is after us.
Now what?
- Another cameraman?
He was the only one
available today.
Guys, why don't just ask her?
Because she is not qualified.
It's not like we're shooting
a Spielberg movie.
Have a little respect.
We have years of experience.
This will be a masterpiece.
I'm getting paid
for the entire day.
She's right.
We put all our money into this.
We got to shoot today.
- I got a bad feeling about this.
Hey girl, you know
how to hold a camera?
Film us when we fuck.
- You get 250 bucks.
Say what?
It's not even hard.
Get the camera.
Aim it, push record
and I'll do the rest.
We've could have left you
with that shooterboy.
I'll do it.
- Awesome.
You're gonna work with us
on a masterpiece.
What can I do you for young man?
I am looking for Mr. Todd Tweed.
He's with his brother Ted.
They're making their film.
Where can I find them?
They're at Ed's diner.
They're doing the
boy boy girl scene.
It's their DP shoot today.
DP?
Double penetration, when
one boy fucks her in the vagina...
and the other one
in her asshole.
Haven't you ever seen
porn before, young man?
Where is this diner?
- It's on highway 69, exit 7.
Thank you.
One more thing, handsome.
- Yes, ma'am?
You wanna fuck me?
This is great.
- This is nice.
The camera is in the car.
Lacie, get your outfit and makeup.
Scene five:. "The Diner".
That waitress is kinda hot.
Why don't we ask her
what's on the menu?
We'd like to order something.
What can I do you sweeties for?
You can do both of us.
How about a sandwich?
No, rabbit!
Put the gun down Jack.
Hold her down.
I need her ass.
Only eight more lives.
Malice, stop.
Malice.
Malice.
Malice.
There you are.
Hard way or the easy way.
Malice.
Malice.
Yes.
Doctor Queenie.
We have a situation.
Oh really?
One of our patients escaped.
Malice.
You incompetent moron.
I locked her door.
I don't know what happened.
Find her.
I do everything for you.
Get out!
Oh no.
Not without me.
Hey, wait for me.
Rabbit.
Where are you rabbit?
Are you in there?
Rabbit?
Is this your home?
Weird.
What are you anyway?
Is this real or is it a costume?
At least I'm not walking
around bare-assed anymore.
There you are.
Where are you Malice?
Could you be... here?
My clothes.
Don't move asshole.
- Is this a gun?
It's a really big one.
Are you trying to break in?
That is not necessary.
I need information.
I'm looking for a girl.
You better get off my property.
I'm gone already.
You have five seconds
to get out of here.
One.
Two...
- Wait, the car won't start.
I hope to God that car don't start.
- Wait.
Four.
Get the fuck out of here.
Did you see that?
- Baby, what happened?
My pack is bigger than his.
You showed that son of a jackal.
- Yes, I did.
The way you stuck out
that gun at him.
That made me so horny.
Hey, Rabbit.
I want it.
Hey, stop that.
Yes?
It's me.
- Tell me you have her.
Well, almost.
I am on her tail, Queenie.
It's doctor Queenie to you.
Doctor, please.
Listen.
I will really hurt you
if you don't find the girl.
But Queenie, I mean doctor Queenie.
You can't be serious.
- Oh, but I am.
She escaped, because you're
too busy jerking off.
Get her back and don't call
for no good reason.
Quid pro quo.
- What?
I do something for you,
you do something for me.
What do you mean?
- I want to take pictures of you.
What kind of pictures
do you want?
Let me guess.
- It's not what you think.
I'm an artistic photographer.
- Yeah right.
Come on, do I look
like a pervert to you?
We'll see.
- Awesome.
What's your name, sweetie?
- Malice. And you?
I'm Chester Catz, with a "z".
What where you doing
in the desert on your own?
Some crazy guy was chasing me.
- Some crazy guy?
Shit, dat is hem.
Dat is Jabbowski.
The guy I was telling about.
Don't stop, go.
Stop the car, sir.
What did that guy want from you?
He's after me and he's crazy.
That's for damn sure.
Where are you going?
- Curiosity killed the cat.
Can I get one of your
nicest rooms please?
That would be a hundred bucks.
Here you go. Thank you.
So, here it is.
What do you want me to do now?
- Wait a minute.
I got some stuff in here.
You'll look great in that.
Don't you think?
- No.
Come on.
You'll look hot in that.
Come on.
Two seconds.
I am not wearing that.
No, it's for me.
You're kidding.
How can you see anything?
- I got cat eyes.
Somebody had a weird childhood.
- Whatever.
Let's start.
Want to come to
the Matt Hadder party?
Ok, cool.
What kind of party is it?
You'll find out.
I just gotta see my friend.
It's gonna be fun.
- Sure.
Kater.
What's up buddy?
I'm good mate.
Listen, I need to come around.
Cool. See you in a bit.
Cats, caterpillars...
What's next? Monkeys?
What the fuck?
What happened?
What's going on?
Shit.
Is he dead?
Hey.
Are you awake?
That's it girls, come on.
Yeah, shake it. Nice.
Shake those titties.
That's how you do it.
Kater.
Catz, my long lost buddy,
how are you?
Sit. Look what the cat dragged in.
What a pretty kitty.
Kater, this is Malice.
- Sit here so I can look at you.
Hi there.
See those girls?
They're auditioning for me.
What do you think?
I like them titties.
I like very much.
Malice, do you want to join them?
- No thanks.
You don't like girls?
- I do, but not now.
A pity.
It would be a great show.
You know what?
If I had titts...
I would squeeze them
all day long.
I would suck and I'd lick the
nipples and make myself...
all horny and everything.
I swear, I would...
Do you think I'm strange?
- Everybody has his thing, Kater.
What's yours? Pussy or dick?
As long as it's hard or wet.
- Sweet. You're my kinda girl.
Can I please see your titts?
- What? No.
Keep your eyes on the girls.
Incoming, Catz.
Thanks man.
As for you...
Don't worry.
It's not gonna kill you.
It's not gonna hurt you.
Just take a little bite,
and you're gonna feel real great.
And now?
What's gonna happen?
Don't be so impatient. Just relax.
Sit back and enjoy the great show.
And if you'll excuse me.
This is the way I like it.
Catz?
What's with him?
- He does that all the time.
Malice, let's go.
Nice place.
- Ofcourse, I know. It's mine.
Hey Matt.
It's ladies night, your friend...
she don't need to pay.
How come I never get a free ride.
- Because.
Anyway, I'd love to stay
and chat...
but I gotta go, me so horny.
Where is he going?
The cat's gonna ride
a couple of kitties.
Cute, but...
in need of a haircut.
What did you do that for?
Don't ever criticize
a girl about her hair.
That bitch is hardcore.
Do you need an enema?
I'm gonna fuck the both of you.
You wanna join?
I'm gonna browse around first.
Enjoy the bunnies.
You're just in time pretty girl.
There was no better time.
- What do you mean?
My girl here likes to watch me.
She loves it when I make out
with another girl.
Why don't you come over here?
I need to talk to you sir.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
Do I know you?
- Sir, my name is Jabbowski.
I need to ask you some questions
about someone I'm looking for.
Are you Polish?
Are you kidding me?
Nice titties girls,
keep shaking them.
Lebowski. My long lost friend.
How are you?
You are mess, what happened to you?
What?
- I'm kidding.
Sit down, take a load off.
I prefer to stand.
Have you seen a girl
with an Asian guy?
As a matter of fact I did.
Can you tell me where?
- Well, they're...
not here.
- So, where are they?
You ask me all these
difficult questions.
I am gonna ask you one more time.
Where is Malice?
- Malice, phallus.
Enjoy the show.
Don't you like my girls?
See those titties.
I want to squeeze them...
from now till next Christmas.
That's a weapon.
Is your dick that big?
Girls don't leave.
Come back.
I ask one more time,
where are they?
At a party.
- Where is this party?
At Matt Hadder's.
- Where?
My stage is empty.
What was the question?
Where are they?
- On Purple Street. Leave me alone.
My girls just left,
you know how to get them back?
Or let me see your titties.
Now you've got confidence issues.
Let me get some pictures.
Where is Malice?
- She is in one of the rooms.
Shut up and don't move.
What?
I didn't realize
you had an appointment.
Shut up.
Well, if it isn't my little friend.
Where is she?
- I don't know. What do you want?
Don't tempt me,
I will shoot.
Why don't you take
your big gun, and go fuck...
Now look what you made me do.
Holy shit, what the fuck was that?
Queenie.
I have a license plate.
I need an address.
Where is Humptee?
- What?
Look there he goes.
What are you doing here?
- I wasn't just gonna stand there.
Stop the car Todd,
we're letting her out right here.
You can't let her out,
with that creep out there.
Okay, alright.
Todd, we gotta get there.
We only got two hours.
What about Humptee, we need him.
- I'll call him.
Are you alright?
Where are you?
What do you mean, fuck off?
They were not after us. What?
He thinks that guy is after us.
Now what?
- Another cameraman?
He was the only one
available today.
Guys, why don't just ask her?
Because she is not qualified.
It's not like we're shooting
a Spielberg movie.
Have a little respect.
We have years of experience.
This will be a masterpiece.
I'm getting paid
for the entire day.
She's right.
We put all our money into this.
We got to shoot today.
- I got a bad feeling about this.
Hey girl, you know
how to hold a camera?
Film us when we fuck.
- You get 250 bucks.
Say what?
It's not even hard.
Get the camera.
Aim it, push record
and I'll do the rest.
We've could have left you
with that shooterboy.
I'll do it.
- Awesome.
You're gonna work with us
on a masterpiece.
What can I do you for young man?
I am looking for Mr. Todd Tweed.
He's with his brother Ted.
They're making their film.
Where can I find them?
They're at Ed's diner.
They're doing the
boy boy girl scene.
It's their DP shoot today.
DP?
Double penetration, when
one boy fucks her in the vagina...
and the other one
in her asshole.
Haven't you ever seen
porn before, young man?
Where is this diner?
- It's on highway 69, exit 7.
Thank you.
One more thing, handsome.
- Yes, ma'am?
You wanna fuck me?
This is great.
- This is nice.
The camera is in the car.
Lacie, get your outfit and makeup.
Scene five:. "The Diner".
That waitress is kinda hot.
Why don't we ask her
what's on the menu?
We'd like to order something.
What can I do you sweeties for?
You can do both of us.
How about a sandwich?
No, rabbit!
Put the gun down Jack.
Hold her down.
I need her ass.
Only eight more lives.