Mallrats (1995) Movie Script
One time, my cousin Walter got
this cat stuck in his ass. True story.
He bought it at our local mall,
so the whole fiasco wound up on the news.
It was embarrassing for my relatives
but, the next week, he did it again.
Different cat, same results,
with another trip to the emergency room.
I run into him a week later
and he's buying another cat.
I says to him 'Jesus, Walt,
what're you doing?''
''You're gonna get this cat stuck in your
ass, too. Why don't you knock it off?''
He said to me ''Brodie, how the hell else
am I supposed to get the gerbil out?''
My cousin was a weird guy.
Brandi Svenning, come on down.
I'm taking your ass to Florida.
Let's go. Where's your luggage?
Come on, the plane leaves in an hour.
- TS, did you see Julie Dwyer last night?
- Yeah, at the video store.
She was talking about being
on your dad's stupid game show.
- 0h, my God. He's not here, is he?
- Yeah, he's inside.
TS, did you tell her that every time
you're on TV, you look 10lb heavier?
Uh...
Well, yeah. I told her that
the way that TV shows are shot...
..can make you look a lot
fatter than you really are.
What'd she do? Call up and cancel?
No. Not exactly.
TS, you know that Julie
had a huge weight problem in school.
She had the fattest ass.
And when you said that to her,
she went straight up to the YMCA...
..and just started doing laps because
she wanted to be fit for the show tonight.
And, well, in the middle
of her 700th lap,...
..this embolism popped in
her brain and she dropped dead.
Right in mid-backstroke.
She's fucking dead?
Then her sister told her parents
why she was doing all the laps...
..and it got back to my father and...
Shit, TS, he's really pissed at you.
I mean, it's awful
about Julie's death and...
..now he doesn't even have
a female contestant for his show.
- Can't you calm him down?
- I've done that.
- Thank God. How?
- I told him I'd do the show.
Good. What?!
Wait a minute. No, no.
We're leaving for Florida.
- TS, I can't go. I've gotta stay here.
- No, no, no.
I've got something planned for Florida.
No, we gotta go.
I'm doing this to get you
out of trouble with my father,...
..help him out of a bind which, you know,
you kind of are a little responsible for.
I bet he's happy that
you're not going away with me.
Are you kidding?
He's absolutely devastated about Julie.
I can't believe you.
Brandi, the guy hates me.
You know, I bet he sees this tragedy...
..as an opportunity to keep
you from going away with me.
Would you calm down?
You're being a complete ass.
Sometimes I forget you're such
a daddy's girl. It makes me sick.
Well, you know what I think's sick?
This relationship.
We weren't gonna do this make-up,
break-up shit any more.
You can just forget about making up.
You are exactly like my father.
It's always about what you need,
what you've got planned.
''Screw everybody else.
My shit is more important.''
You're as thoughtless and self-absorbed
as he is. You have so much in common,...
..I think you should date each other.
Brandi! Brandi, wait!
Sweet fucking Christ,
would you knock it off?
- God!
- What?
- What time is it?
- 9.30.
Man, go back to sleep!
- What the hell are you doing?
- Finishing my game.
- You promised me breakfast.
- Breakfast-schmreckfast.
Look at the score. I'm only in the middle
of the second and I'm winning 12-2.
Breakfasts come and go, Rene.
Now, Hartford, the Whale,...
..they only beat Vancouver once,
maybe twice in a lifetime.
- You hit the bathroom already?
- Don't worry, your mother didn't see me.
- Who's worried?
- Are you kidding me?
I've never met anyone who lives in
as much fear of his mother as you do.
- I do not.
- So that's why I have to sneak in here...
..after everyone's asleep
and sneak out in the morning?
You want I should tell
my mother what we do in here?
That you play video games
and I fall asleep unfulfilled?
Go ahead. It beats
the sneaking-around shit.
- What can I say if she doesn't like you?
- You've never even introduced me to her.
Cos you're always
in the goddamn bathroom.
What the hell do you do in there?
- You really wanna know?
- I asked, didn't I?
I'm playing the role of the concerned guy.
I cry.
- You cry.
- I cry.
Any particular reason?
- Hey!
I think about people that
make decisions that affect our lives.
The doctors who make
advancements in curing diseases.
The engineer that designs skyscrapers.
- The guy that maps out a flight path.
- The navigator.
I think about how those people
are out there every day...
..making a difference, leading big lives,...
..and how they refuse to be intimidated by
the tremendous odds of failure they face.
And how they only concern
themselves with company...
..that applies to their noble causes.
Jesus, I'd hate to tell you what
I think about when I'm in the bathroom.
I think about all that and I cry,...
..because I have nothing
better to do than fuck you.
You're dumping me?!
Is this because I didn't
introduce you to my mother?
You're a fickle broad.
Holy shit. If it isn't mon frre.
Usual vault rules apply.
Touch not, lest ye be touched.
- You're such an anal-retentive bastard.
- I tried to teach you about comics...
..but, oh, no, you wanted
to play Little League instead.
- What's that?
- Like it? I framed it before you got here.
- My God. Rene dumped you.
- Hell hath no fury...
..like a woman scorned for a Sega.
Wow, look at this
laundry list of complaints.
You have no direction,
no college ambition, no job prospects...
It also says I have no dick.
But that follows the financial question,...
..proving again what women really look for.
- Wow, she calls you ''callow'' in here.
- You say that like it's bad.
- It means frightened and weak-willed.
- Really?
Shit. That was the only part
of the letter I thought was complimentary.
Ah, well, you're lucky.
Unlike you, I didn't even get
a letter filled with obscure adjectives.
- What are you telling me here?
- I too, now, am in the framing business.
Holy shit! Brandi dumped you.
- Aren't you supposed to go to Florida?
- Yeah. Shoulda left this morning.
I was gonna propose to her.
- Where?
- 0n the Universal tour.
You're kidding! What part?
- When Jaws pops out of the water.
That's the most romantic thing
I've ever heard.
Too bad I'm not tryin' to marry you.
Let me ask you something.
Did you ever fart in front of her?
- Why do you ask?
- I never once farted in front of Rene.
Then last week, I let one slip.
Today she dumps me.
You think that that's why Rene dumped
you? She's not the shallow type, Brodie.
- She was goin' down on me.
- Shut up!
What? What can I say?
I was feeling very relaxed.
When I'm relaxed, I squirt.
If all she did was dump you,
you got off light.
I can't believe this shit. Why are we here
tryin' to figure out where we went wrong?
- We just nailed it in your case.
- No, there is something...
..that can help ease our double loss.
- Ritual suicide.
- No, you idiot, the fuckin' mall!
- I prefer ritual suicide.
- Come on, it'll be great.
They got these new cookies
at the cookie stand. They're awesome.
I love the smell of commerce
in the morning!
- You're really makin' that last.
- Waste not, want not.
- You wanna say something?
- A million things!
But I can't express myself monosyllabically
enough for you to understand 'em all.
- Asshole.
- Prick.
- What was that all about?
- That's the jerk from Fashionable Male,...
..this wannabe shop on the second floor.
He's the manager. The guy's always
givin' me shit. I have no idea why.
- I thought everybody loved you here.
- Eff him.
- Where do you wanna go first?
- Back to Brandi's.
Look, Brandi is the past, my friend.
She's behind you now.
You face forward, or you face
the possibility of shock and damage.
- You should heed your own advice.
- Where the hell did that come from?
Looks like a stage is being erected.
- What is this monstrosity?
- Is it the Easter Bunny pictures?
Impossible! That's at
the other end of the mall.
It's been up since two days
after Christmas. I want answers.
Ask one of the workers.
No, no, no. There's a soul
who might know what's up.
Willam.
- Willam!
- Uh-uh-uh... poopy trim.
Brodie, man. What's goin' on?
Do you work here now?
- No, man. Just hangin' with TS.
- 0h, TS.
- Willam, what are you doing?
- Looking for the hidden picture.
If you stare at these things long enough,
you're supposed to see a hidden picture.
- 0h, yeah, look! It's a sailboat.
- You saw it too? Damn it!
- What?
- I've been staring at this for a week,...
..and I can't see a goddamn thing!
- You gotta relax your eyes.
- Everyone sees this thing except me.
Today's my day.
I brought lunch and a soda,...
..and I'm not gonna leave until I see
this sailboat everyone talks about.
So, Willam.
Do you know what this
stage business is all about?
It's not a stage! I'm gonna see it
if I have to go blind trying.
No, man. This stage over here.
a game show in the mall today.
I think it's gonna be on TV.
It's called Truth or Date or something.
- That's Brandi's father's game show!
- What is it?
This cheesy Dating Game
rip-off for college kids.
Trying to capture
the '90s youth market with '70s television.
Man, why can't they bring back or
remake good shows, like BJ and the Bear?
There's a concept I like,
a man and his monkey.
Would you guys shut up?
You're breaking my concentration.
- Sorry, Willam.
- Now I have to start all over again.
- Good luck with that thing, Willam.
- Yeah, man. Remember, relax your eyes.
- Wow, a sailboat.
- Shut up.
Could this week get any worse? Now she's
gonna be auctioned off on TV from a mall.
Not a mall. The mall. Show some respect.
It doesn't have to go down
like that if we trash the thing.
There's a unique way of getting back in
her good graces - ruin her father's show.
I can get someone to do it for us. We'll be
blame-free and Brandi will miss the show.
- Who is this imaginary hatchet man?
- Hatchet men.
Knock it off!
Kitty, kitty, kitty!
- Hey, Jay!
- Brodie, man. Nootchy nootchies.
And look at this shit!
The mad fat-chick killer.
- I can't believe how fast word travels.
- Excellent. What's he doing?
Shithead watched
Empire and Jedi last week.
He's been trying to do
the Jedi mind trick.
Thinks he can levitate shit
with his thoughts. Knock it off!
- ''The Force is strong with this one.''
- Don't encourage him.
I was just saying we gotta find
Jay and Silent Bob.
If anyone can help us out, it's the two
guys who have less to do than us.
Everyone's lookin' for us today.
We're duckin' Tricia.
She wants to talk to
- Why him?
- Silent Bob's an electrical genius.
He won the school science fair by turning
his mom's vibrator into a CD player.
Motherfucker's like MacGyver.
Better than MacGyver.
- Knock it off!
- It's that kind of smarts we need, right?
Leave me out of this.
We need you to go on a little sabotage
mission on behalf of TS's love life.
You know about this game show
thing going on here?
We need you to somehow
ensure that it doesn't happen.
- Is that it? We were doing that anyway.
- Why?
What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob
stole a schematic of the stage...
..and found a weakness,
just like the Death Star.
He figures you pull this crossbeam out,
bickety-bam! The stage crashes down.
We were thinkin' about somethin' simple,
but if you prefer that, we're all for it.
- 0nly problem is LaFours.
- Who's LaFours?
You don't know who LaFours is?
He's the most feared security guard in
the business. 460 collars, all convicted.
- I hear he's even got two kills.
- Holy shit.
I never thought I'd see two such highly
reputable mischief-makers as yourselves...
..douse their drawers at the sight
of a mall security guard.
Shit, bitch. We're gonna
bust up that stage.
We're gonna outwit LaFours X-Men-style.
- Should I call you Logan, Weapon X?
- No, Wolverine. Snicky snicky snoine!
He's imitating Wolverine's berserker
attack with his adamantium claws.
- I never would have guessed.
- All right. Go forth and wreak havoc.
Bye, baby kitties.
Damn, Silent Bob. Show some heart.
That's better. We're on the job.
Thanks.
I'm shocked
you didn't try to dissuade them.
Huh! I would if I thought
for a second they could pull it off.
Want a cookie?
What's he doing?
If you stare at this poster,
a hidden picture appears.
Can we do it? Please? Please?
All right, go ahead.
But hurry. The Easter Bunny's waiting.
Wow, it's a schooner!
You dumb bastard!
It's not a schooner, it's a sailboat.
A schooner is a sailboat, stupid-head.
You know what?!
There is no Easter Bunny!
- But they're engaged.
- Doesn't matter. It can't happen.
- Why not? It's bound to come up.
- Lois could never have Superman's baby.
You think her Fallopian tubes
could handle the sperm?
I guarantee he blows a load
like a shotgun through her back.
Is her womb strong enough
to carry his child?
- Sure. Why not?
- He's an alien, for Christ's sake.
His Kryptonian biological make-up
is enhanced by Earth's sun.
If Lois gets a tan, the kid
could kick through her stomach.
enough uterus to carry his kid.
He could only bang regular chicks with a
kryptonite condom but that would kill him.
I've gone from Floridian sex with Brandi to
man-of-steel debates in the food court.
- Cookie stand is not in the food court.
- 0f course it is.
The food court is downstairs. We're
upstairs. This isn't quantum physics.
This is an eatery.
Eateries make up the food court.
Bullshit. Eateries in the designated square
downstairs qualify as food court.
Anything outside of
said designated square...
..is considered an autonomous unit
for mid-mall snacking.
If you're gonna wax intellectual
about the subject...
Holy shit.
- Wait here.
- Where are you goin'?
Cherchez la femme.
- That would look terrible on you.
- Didn't I dump your ass this morning?
You've had time to think
about the mistake you've made...
..and I want you to know
you don't have to apologise.
I'm sure you were just
PMS-ing or something.
What kills me about you
is your inability to function...
..on the same plane of existence
as the rest of us. Piss off.
this charade of ending our union.
Fine, I'll play along, but if we're divorced,
we have to divide our possessions.
- What the hell are you talking about?
- You have my Punisher WarJournal 6...
..and the remote control to my TV.
Now, I know this stuff has
sentimental attachment...
Sentimental attachment?
If I have any of that crap...
..it's because you brought it
to my house and left it there.
a schedule for visitation rights.
- For what?
- The mall. You have the odd days,...
..I'll take the even days and weekends.
When there's any special function...
Brodie, Brodie, Brodie!
I have always taken you
with a grain of salt.
When you asked me to do a striptease to
the theme from Mighty Mouse, I said 0K.
At that prom night, you asked me
to sleep under the bed...
..in case your mother burst in, and I did it.
And at my grandmother's funeral,
when you told my relatives...
..you could see her nipples through
her burial dress, I let it slide.
If you think I'm gonna suffer any more
of your shit now we're broken up...
..you're in for some
serious fucking disappointment.
What?
Phase one. First, you take a run
at LaFours with the sock full of quarters.
I'd do it, but I pulled my back out
humpin' your mom last night.
and knock his ass out cold.
Then phase two kicks in. I attack
the structure, Wolvie-berserk style,...
..knock out the fuckin' pin, and
bickety-bam, the motherfucker's rubble.
Hence - no game show.
Fuck!
Do you know that kid?
I hope his pants get caught
and a bloodbath ensues.
- What is with you today?
- I don't wish the kid harm,...
..but his mother should suffer that ordeal
so she'll learn how to manage her child!
- It's a harsh lesson, don't you think?
- Man, there's not a year goes by...
..that I don't read about an escalator
accident involving some bastard kid...
..that could have been avoided had
some parent - I don't care which one -
..conditioned him
to fear and respect that escalator!
Wow, look who it is.
- Jerk.
- Little Tricia Jones.
What's a pretty girl like you doin' sittin'
alone in this monument to consumerism?
Updating my calendar
and waiting for Jay and Silent Bob.
And I suppose you're here
with no agenda, as per usual?
TS Quint, Tricia Jones.
They call her Trish the Dish.
- Nobody calls me that.
- 0ur little Tricia is only 15,...
..but somehow she's a senior.
- How'd you manage that?
- (Brodie slurps)
Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off.
Yeah, right(!) So what d'you say?
You wanna nail TS?
- Jesus, Brodie!
- Calm down.
Trisha's compiling data for her book
about the sex drive of men ages 14-30.
I believe it's called Bore-gasm.:
A Study of the '90s Male Sexual Prowess.
Tell him about the advance you got.
Pendant Publishing gave me 20,000 based
on a treatment and a sample chapter.
- You're kidding!
- She's the youngest author in this field.
So Tricia sleeps with a bunch of guys
as research, and get this,...
- ..she videotapes all of them.
- What?
I get everybody's consent before we do it.
Most guys get off on it.
Men are easily amused.
- What are you writing here?
- I was coding last night's research.
- She means sex.
- I know what she meant.
- What kind of codes?
- Here, look.
The smiley face is when
I go down on the guy.
The smiley face with lashes
is when the guy goes down on me.
The circle is for when we have sex.
The circle with the X is
for when I have an orgasm.
The house is when we do it inside
and the grass is for outside.
That kid is back on the escalator again!
How old was last night's subject?
that store, Fashionable Male.
Holy shit! You slept with that asshole?
Why?
I needed a 25-year-old. And he has quite
a distaste for you, I might add.
- Eugh! He mentioned me during sex?
- Afterwards.
He says he wants to kick your ass.
I'd steer clear of him.
- Tell me you taped him saying that.
- No. I shut the camera off after the sex.
You shoulda heard what he wanted to do.
I'm having a hard time with this.
Do your parents know?
- 0f course.
- It's remarkable.
That's criminal. That kid...
That kid is back on the escalator again.
- Leave it alone!
- What?
So, I heard you were going to propose
to Brandi Svenning in some theme park.
When are men going to learn that women
want romance, not Mr Toad's Wild Ride.
Be fair, all right.
Everyone wants Mr Toad's Wild Ride.
We gotta go.
Remember my offer. I'm young,
virile, sensitive to a woman's needs.
Somehow I doubt it, Sega Boy.
Good luck with the comic-book store.
Sega Boy! God, Rene's got a big mouth.
What does ''Good luck with
the comic-book store'' mean?
How does junior Masters and
Johnson know about my proposal?
It's not like she's in an exclusive club.
- What are you talking about?
- Sean Hartle's telling everyone.
- What's he saying?
- Her father made her do the show...
..so you couldn't take her to Florida.
Now what the hell is this shit?
What do you gotta do to get comics here?
- Hey, what the hell's goin' on here?
- I was warned about you. Take it easy.
''Warned''? What the fuck do you mean?
- Tell him, Steve Dave.
- Fuck you, Fan Boy.
Would you two testosterone-seething,
he-men comic-book fans finish up?
- I got some questions.
- Who's in there?
- You gotta ask me nicely.
- Fuck you!
- Get the hell off him!
- You think just cos a guy reads comics,...
..he can't start some shit?
I'll fuckin' take all you on!
Somebody get a medic!
There's a boy caught in the escalator!
- Come back here and arrest this goon.
- You're fuckin' next!
I'm not goin' anywhere until
I find out why I can't get my comics.
- Excuse me.
- Don't hit me.
- Why is there a line?
- Stan Lee's signing comics.
Stan Lee?
We tie you to the roof,
you jump and sail off,...
..passing over the arch-nemesis, LaFours.
You swing up to the stage
and knock out the pin.
When that's gone, the stage is trashed
and we go smoke a bowl. You got it?
Now get your fat ass up there
and, dude, don't forget your helmet.
Fly, fat-ass! Fly!
What the fuck...?
You fucker!
Security? This is Popular Girl.
We just had something
crash through the wall.
Stan Lee! How does the creator of some
of the biggest titles in comics history...
..coming to my mall get by me?
I must be slipping in my old age.
The name amongst names!
There's a million questions
I'd love to ask him.
Her father! I knew this game show was
a beard for an attempt at breakin' us up.
Why can't he just leave us alone?
What kind of man are you, anyway?
I'm talkin' comics and you bring up
chicks and romance?
And why do you wanna get married now,
anyway? You're still in college.
I was just gonna propose.
The wedding would be later.
Waste of time.
My grandmother always said...
..''Why buy the cow
when you get the sex for free?''
- She did?
- All the time. 0f course,...
..she became a lesbian on her 60th
birthday, but that's beside the point.
Where the hell are these two goin'
in such a hurry?
- Has he gone?
- Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.
Damn, that bastard's faster
than Walt Flanagan's dog.
- What's with all the running?
- What the hell happened to him?
The human brown eye here
is a walkin' calamity.
We gotta pass on the stage-trashing,
otherwise he's liable to kill himself.
- Sorry, bro.
- No hard feelings, hey?
- Isn't that Rene?
- Yeah. She must be looking for me.
- I better go talk to her.
- No, she's with somebody.
- Wait a minute. Isn't that...
- The asshole from Fashionable Male?
- My God. You think they're...
- Could be. It'll explain why he hates me.
Can you run interference with the lug?
I'm gonna get some answers.
You work at the Fashionable Male,
don't you?
Yeah. So?
Uh, that's a great store you got there.
Thanks. Listen, I'm trying to spend
my lunch hour with my lady friend here.
So why don't you beat it?
Look, if you don't stop gawkin' at me,
I'm gonna kick your ass, 0K?
Haven't you heard the phrase
''The customer is always right''?
I'll let you in on a little secret.
The customer is always an asshole!
- Jesus Christ!
- What gives with the cover boy?
None of your business,
but he'll kick your ass for this.
Are you insane?
The guy looks like a date rapist!
- Is that my jacket?
- Start the elevator.
Not until you tell me what the situation
is with you and the Sperminator!
- How long has this been goin' on?
- Since I finally sent you packing.
- He's much more suitable than you.
- Are you nuts?!
The guy's pure testosterone.
He's a walking hard-on.
I'm in need of testosterone
after a year of baby-sitting you.
I forgot what real men were like.
I can't believe you have the nerve
to come to my mall and pick up guys!
Shannon did the picking up. He's
taken me to lunch at the Cheese Haus...
..and brought me shopping
to stores I wanna shop in.
I took you shopping all the time!
You took me where you went shopping!
Do you think I care what rathole store...
..has the latest Godzilla bootlegs?
Is eating in the same dive pizzeria
every night eating out?
Do I give a shit when two labels
are crossing over characters...
..and selling two editions
in different covers?
I'm a girl, dammit! I wanna do
girlie things like fix hair...
..and get romantic phone calls.
- I call you all the time!
- ''Rene, my mom's asleep. Come over.''
When was the last time
you told me I was beautiful?
This guy does all this in one day?
He already introduced me to his mother.
- Really?
- He was at work by nine o'clock,...
..unlike my ex-boyfriend who slept until
one because he played Sega all night,...
..which has an enormous
effect on your libido.
- Now you attack my libido?
- There's no libido to attack.
No libido to attack?!
- You sure you saw her get on, right?
- Maybe she was getting off.
- 0w!
- Sorry.
It's all right.
There, that was romantic, right?
Passionate, yeah.
No, Brodie, that was too little, too late.
Too little?
You said it was a good size.
The effort, you retard.
The effort was too little, too late.
But now that you mention it,
when a girl says it's a good size,...
..it's a nice way of saying that it's small.
Hey!
Hey!
- I am gonna kill that son of a bitch.
- No, no. Forget about him.
He wanted to give me something
he forgot to give me a long time ago.
He's harmless now, 0K?
Fine. I gotta get back
to the store. Let's go.
- In the elevator?
- I don't know what came over me.
She challenged my libido, so I defended
myself against her accusations.
- 0h, it's not like you still wanted her?
- Not in the least. I'm over her.
- Holy shit. You really love that girl.
- Yeah, right(!)
I never noticed it before,
but she really fuels your engine.
- You have this new glow about you.
- I don't.
- You do. You're glowin'.
- If I do, it's because I just got laid.
I'd look the same if I'd banged
anyone, present company excluded.
You're too proud to admit
that you want her back.
I suddenly want something
bad to happen to you.
What is your problem?
- 0h, Gwen, I'm sorry.
- You fucker!
See? That's what you get
for fuckin' with me.
Hey, Gwen. He didn't mean to hit you.
He's got a funny way of showin' it
by elbowing me in my freakin' tit.
- Why the hell are you glowing?
- I'm not glowing.
- Brandi dumped him.
- Would you stop saying that?
- I know. I heard.
- You heard how?
She told me. I ran into her
a few minutes ago.
- Really? Where?
- By the stage.
Do you want me to rub it?
Come on, work with me, people, please!
No, no. I want this more toward the front.
- The podium'll keep the rug down.
- Move... Move it...
Mr Svenning, the...
Give me the podium!
You put the podium down over here.
Like this.
And you stamp
the carpet down with your feet.
You speak English? Like this.
Mr Svenning! Let me help you up.
Get off! Move!
- All right, where's Brandi?
- Let go of me.
- Where's Brandi?
You're fired. You get the hell outta here.
Get off my set.
- Where is she?
- You are out of her life.
Now, you stay out of her business,
and mine. Understand me?
Come on. Are we working or what? Get the
backdrop ready! Are those lights ready?
Excuse me. You go over on the other side.
You put the podium over the bad spot in
the carpet. The hole, please. Go now, go.
You made her dump me and you're gonna
auction her off to further your own career?
Hey, not that it's any of your concern,
but Brandi agreed to be on Truth or Date.
After last night,
I think she's looking forward to it.
It'll give her a chance to find herself
a decent guy. Somebody with a brain.
So you admit it.
You are behind our break-up.
Admit it? I'm as proud of it
as I am this game show here.
TS... listen to me.
It's over between you two.
The sooner you get that,
the better off we're all gonna be.
Understand me? You don't.
Guard, come here. Get this guy off my set.
If he gives you any shit,
you have my permission to castrate him.
- You can't do this!
- I just did.
- Get me LaFours.
- Right away, sir.
Well, go on!
- How about these?
- Very sexy.
- That sounded convincing.
- I'm preoccupied.
TS, she told you, she's doing it
as a favour to her father.
She won't fuck the guy on public-access.
- She might as well.
- You're overreacting again.
That's why your relationships fail.
It's certainly why ours did.
You got bent out of shape the same way
over that costume party in high school.
You fucked Rick Derris on a pool table,
with everyone watching!
It was a costume party, TS.
No one could tell it was me.
Besides, who else but you
remembers shit like that?
- I woulda been a sexy chick!
- Do you remember that costume party?
The one where you banged
Rick Derris on the pool table?
- Nobody remembers shit like that(!)
- How is it you recall trivial events?
I'll never forget it. How often do you
get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?
Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?
(both) Except for the moustache.
They have a whole room to do that in.
Some pervert wanted
to see me naked today,...
..so he busted in on me twice
while I was changing.
- This saves some of the effort.
- 0h.
How much longer are we gonna be in
here? I'm starting to get a hard-on.
So, Brodie. Tell me about
the Rene break-up.
- I threw her away like a parking ticket.
- Ha!
Don't front. I talked to Rene's cousin
this morning. It was vice versa.
They aren't acting broken-up.
- Ask him about the elevator.
- Tell me about the elevator.
It goes up and down.
Rene seems so coarse, anyway.
What was it like to date her?
- Ever slept with somebody?
- Uh, yeah.
I mean really slept with somebody. Beside
them, not fuck them on a gaming table.
We, uh... We slept together one time
in high school. That ski trip.
That was you?
Yes, Brodie.
I have slept beside many people.
You know when someone lays with
their back to you and you lay behind...
..and throw one arm over 'em?
- It's called ''spooning''.
- Where does the other arm go?
You can lay on it
or shove it between your bodies.
The only other option
is to stretch it above your head.
But sometimes my arm pops out
of the socket when I sleep like that.
I was always searching
for someplace to keep my arm,...
- ..while still laying close to her.
- And?
What do you mean ''and''? That's like
a metaphor for our whole relationship.
I'm all out. I'll meet you at the food court.
I know exactly how he feels. Excuse me.
(sobs)
Fill this with Coke, no ice.
Want a sip of my soda?
Smart-ass ex-boyfriend.
I got two things to tell you.
I see ya every week in this mall.
I don't like shiftless layabouts.
You don't come to work or shop. You hang
out all day. Act like you fuckin' live here.
I have no respect for people
with no shopping agenda.
Is this what's known as
motivated salesmanship?
Rene told me to leave you alone,
but she's fuckin' clueless.
You see, Bruce,...
..I like to pick up girls on the rebound
from a disappointing relationship.
They're more vulnerable,
more in need of solace and they're...
..fairly open to suggestion.
And I use that to fuck them
someplace fairly uncomfortable.
What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
No. Like, uh... some place girls dread.
- Did we ever get along?
- 0nce or twice.
- How come we went out so long?
- You had cable.
- Are you gonna stay for the show?
- No way. When he gets back, I'm gone.
TS Quint, where's your sense of chivalry?
You're kiddin'! Easter Bunny did this?
I said the Easter Bunny at the Menlo Park
Mall was better and he knocked me down.
- He's fuckin' dead.
- Let it go. He's under a lot of pressure.
- What happened to him?
- Easter Bunny kicked his ass.
- I had it coming.
- Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.
- What really happened?
- The owner of Fashionable Male did it.
- Shannon Hamilton?
- You know that guy?
I dated him after we split. He tried
to screw me somewhere uncomfortable.
- Like the back of a Volkswagen?
- Sounds like his M0.
- Can you get up?
- Am I still glowing?
Barely breathing. Was Rene involved?
It was an independent act of aggression.
He told me he intended to penetrate...
..my ex-girlfriend
in a notorious body cavity.
- Sounds like him.
- You better tell Rene.
No. If she's not smart enough to see
through him, she deserves the discomfort.
I, on the other hand, have had all
the discomfort I can stand for a day.
- I'm late. I gotta go.
- You're gonna leave with him like this?
I gotta split. You're gonna be 0K, Brodie?
A couple of pins in the hip, I'll be fine.
That's my boy!
Bye, guys. Be good.
Women. Always leaving you when you've
just had the crap kicked out of you.
You look like you're gonna live to me.
You stay here. I gotta hit the bathroom.
Please, don't say ''hit''.
for your Easter eggs on Sunday.
- Bye-bye, Easter Bunny.
- All right. Who's next?
Hey, guys. Wait in line,
like everybody else.
- What the hell is this?
- This is for Brodie.
- He's here.
- What?
Him and Brodie. Don't sweat,
though. He's leaving.
He seems really broken-up
over this whole thing.
Maybe because we're broken up
for good this time.
I remember when I dumped TS. I was all
right with it until he started dating you.
- A little jealousy residue?
- I thought so at first.
Then I realised it was more than that.
When I saw how he was with you
and how you complemented each other,...
..it finally hit me that TS is a great catch.
- Gwen, you were always cheating on him.
- Capricious youth?
- Doesn't mean I wasn't regretful.
- Jesus, Gwen. The last thing I need now...
..is a lecture on my love life.
All I'm saying is that the really
good guys are few and far between.
In fact, I haven't met one since TS.
And even if I did meet one, I guarantee
I'd use him as a basis for my comparison.
- You can have him if you want him.
- Believe me, I might consider trying...
..if he weren't so hung up on you.
I gotta get home.
- Have a great show.
- 0K. Bye.
Chocolate-covered pretzel?
This is Roddy, Mr Zvenning's assistant.
Mr Svenning would like
to have a word with you.
Where? These are melting.
Copy that. By the stage.
Tell him I'll be there in a minute.
- What do you think?
- I don't trust it.
Maybe he's ready to talk reasonably.
Reasonably? You should go
over there and give him shit.
- I'm trying to marry his daughter.
- You can't scream at him...
..but you should still stick it to him.
- How do you propose I do that?
- You stink-palm him.
- Stink-palm?
- You stick your hand in your ass.
You've been walking all day,
no doubt you're sweaty as hell.
Look at you. A grown man
with his hand down his pants.
I probably look like my old man.
There. Now you shake hands with the guy.
''Mr Svenning, how have you been?''
- Why?
- You know how long the smell lasts?
Scrub all you like.
It'll stick around for at least two days.
What will his colleagues and family think?
That he can't wipe his ass properly.
Meanwhile, you are left
with a hand that smells like shit.
Small price to pay for
the smiting of one's enemies.
I think I'll pass. But do me a favour.
Stay here while I go talk to him.
I assure you tonight's programme
will go off without a hitch.
I hope so, for your sake. It's
a dangerous mall for a game show.
The Easter Bunny was accosted earlier.
If there's anything resembling the trouble
you had at the Governor's Ball,...
..you'll end up hosting
the Lotto drawing on public-access.
Gentlemen, please trust me.
I have taken the necessary precautions to
ensure everything will go smoothly, hm?
- (man) Look out!
- (crash)
Nothing to worry about.
Sound test. Sound test.
I tell you what. Why don't...
Why don't I meet you back
here around showtime?
- Somebody said you wanted to see me.
- Quint.
I accept that you
no doubt fucked my daughter.
The two of you have been
dating long enough...
..for you to have slimed
your way into her panties...
..and I am sure you did just that
at least once or twice in my own house.
Probably while I was at home.
Brandi has a bright future.
She is an extremely intelligent
and capable girl...
..and I'm sure that one day she will
be even more successful than me. Maybe.
But you...
You, on the other hand,
have absolutely no ambition. Hm?
And no chance of making it
in the real world.
My daughter is too good for you.
You will never ever be with her, hm?
So, if there isn't anything else...
Hey, fellas.
Well, well, well, if it isn't my neighbour.
Mr Svenning, how've you...
Damn, would you feel that iron-grip
handshake! Like Burt Reynolds and shit.
So! What's going on here?
a few of his lesser points.
Hey, look at that ring. What is that?
That is my junior-college class ring.
Cum laude '69.
I also hope to come loud one day,
preferably in a 69.
Say, would you like
a chocolate-covered pretzel?
They're a little melty,
but damn, are they exquisite!
If I remember correctly,
you're a big pretzel fan.
- Um... Dark chocolate?
- Yeah.
- 0h, no.
- 0h, come on!
- No, no, please.
- They're awesome. Here you go.
Thank you.
Mm!
That's good.
Good, good. Very nice.
And, you know, being a man who believes
in ''0ne good turn deserves another'',...
..I have something to offer
the both of you.
Really? What's that?
- What is this?
- These are called ''handcuffs''.
of you were in the mall,...
..I decided to set up this little ambush...
..to remove you and your sidekick
here from the premises, permanently.
Hey, why am I his sidekick?
How do you know he's not my sidekick?
Rene! Get Jay and Silent Bob!
Please! Hurry!
- Did somebody call your name?
- Um...
- I have to go to the bathroom. Wait here.
- Hey, anything for you, babe.
- It's your day.
- Thanks.
What you need is
a fatty boom-batty blunt.
I guarantee you'd see
a sailboat, an ocean...
..and maybe some big-titted
mermaids doin' lesbian shit.
Look at me, you sloppy bitch!
Dude, you're a mad chick magnet.
TS. Brodie. Security guards.
Under arrest. They need help. Go!
Wow. A sailboat.
- Brenda?
- Dick!
This is illegal!
You can't arrest us for nothing.
Mr LaFours turns us over to the police,...
..the bag of contraband
that he's ''found'' on our persons...
..will give them reason to lock us up,
at least for the duration of the show.
Isn't that right, Mr LaFours?
''Come, son of Jor-El. Kneel before Zod!''
Snootchy bootchies!
- Vulcan nerve pinch?
- That was close!
See that stink-palm? He licked his hand.
- We gotta go. They'll be looking for us.
- 0h, thank you, man. We owe you one.
- You wanna hide? I know a place.
- Let's go.
- Don't I get to wash my hand first?
- Brodie!
What the shit are we gonna do?
Yeah. Come on, we're fucked.
They're right behind us. Come on!
Yeah! Badass! Yeah!
Where do you get those wonderful toys?
- This is where we're hiding?
- Cops never come in here.
Neither does any
self-respecting consumer.
- What do you see in this place?
- Good buys. Great people. Earthy aromas.
- Hey, Walt!
- Brodie!
- They know me here.
- I wouldn't be too proud of that.
Why is the sound of defeat in your voice?
Might be because I've been defeated.
Man, you're giving up? You used to be
a stand-up kind of guy. What happened?
That guy punched Amanda Gross's
mother after she called him ''low class''.
- That wasn't me. That was you.
- 0h, yeah.
- And it was her grandmother.
- No wonder the bitch went down so fast.
Hey, you should have boards
in them, all right?
Bloody savage.
That is one of your more admirably
deplorable traits.
You would beat up a grandmother,...
..or a senior citizen's community,
if you believe in the principle.
Yeah, but only if they were really old.
Maybe I was deluded. 0r maybe
you were right when you said that...
..if something stupid could trip up
Brandi's feelings, she's not really into it.
You're gonna listen to me,
to something I said?
Jesus, man! Haven't I made it clear during
our friendship that I don't know shit?
Half the time, I'm just talkin'
outta my ass, or stickin' my hand in it.
Sometimes, yes, but on occasion
you have let a nugget of truth slip out.
This morning may have been such a time.
You know what you need?
Some sage-like advice.
You've given me enough
for one day, thanks.
Not from me. From Ivannah.
Who's Ivannah?
- I can't even find the words.
- Isn't that ingenuity?
- Why do palm-reading topless?
- It makes the news easier to take.
She could tell me I was gonna die
in ten minutes if she told me topless.
- Your maleness amazes me sometimes.
- What can I say? I love tits.
- What kind of people use this service?
- People like us.
- You're not suggesting we...
- Don't be such a fundamentalist.
I've already reached my lowest.
This is where I draw the line.
- You used to like tits, too.
- I love tits as much as any guy...
..but why would I pay some hag money
for some supernatural chicanery...
..coupled with sagging, wrinkled boobs?
Man, this place is
something out of Octopussy.
You've come for a
glimpse at your future?
Amongst other things.
Talents like those I possess
are not to be taken lightly.
If you have heart condition,
suffer from nervous nausea,...
..or have a family history
of stress-induced breakdown,...
..Empire Entertainment
recommend you do not partake...
..in the fortune-telling
activities contained within.
- You guys still in?
- We're healthy and strapping young men.
You give me 58 dollar, 60 cent.
What?
- You expect me to pay?
- I'm broke. I'll pay you back.
My God! I can't believe you.
I didn't even wanna do this.
You'll thank me later.
Thank you.
Mm.
All right, gentlemen. Free your mind.
- I'd like to free something.
- Fuckus.
- That's what I was thinking.
- She said ''focus''.
Mmm.
I sense a grave disturbance
between you both.
A difficulty in affecting
a resolution for a problem.
Something hard.
- I'm convinced she's got the gift.
- Try to contain yourself.
Miss, I appreciate the effort, and I'm
sure you're very good at what you do,...
..but my shallow friend here
isn't interested in his future,...
..so you can cut the theatrics.
Great. I do much better when
I don't have to say things in character.
- You don't have to say anything.
- You paid. I should tell you something.
But in order to do that...
..I have to work completely...
..unfettered.
Ahh... ohh, yes.
the problem here.
Girl trouble.
Apparently, you're both on the outs
with your respective steadies.
- That's amazing.
- That's disgusting!
the pain... ow!... of loss,...
..but only one of you makes it vocal.
The other one suffers silently.
- God, you're right.
- We gotta go.
How can this be resolved?
I would say... yes.
Combine your efforts. That's what I see.
- Let me tell you what I see.
- That's great.
I don't buy her power.
All right, when's my birthday?
Between the first and last...
..of 0ctober.
- D'you hear that?
- Very haunting. Let's go.
Miss Ivannah, why are you
stuck in this dirt mall?
How come you're not in a larger, upscale
setting? You could be raking in the dough.
Believe it or not, some people
still frown on topless fortune-telling.
And, unfortunately, it's
the only way that I'm effective.
- Really?
- It's the third nipple that does it.
- 0h, you have a third nipple?
- What are you talking about?
It's as clear as day!
Look at it, for God's sake!
- You can stare at it. I don't mind.
- No.
Understanding is reached
only after confrontation.
Miss Ivannah, thank you. I can't tell
you how informative you've been.
Thank you very much.
And... don't ever lose that nipple.
I won't.
- Do you have...
- Any other extra body parts?
- No.
- Just curious.
You could double-check me, if you like.
- Really?
- Really.
Come on!
Works every time.
- Whoa! You're gonna what?
- Get on her father's game show.
Are you kidding? Last time we were here,
Svenning had dope planted on us!
He can't touch us once it starts. It's a live
feed. He'd lose face in front of the execs.
- It can't happen.
- I'm gonna make it happen.
''Understanding is reached
only after confrontation.''
- Brandi will respond to confrontation.
- Are you the guy who split with Brandi?
What the hell is your problem? You're
supposed to be the impetuous one here.
- I'm being rational.
- You're scared...
..you might want to win Rene back.
- Rene who?
- 0h, whatever. Just do me a favour.
Meet me by the stage
once the show starts.
- Where are you going?
- Shopping.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
Dude, this looks like your mom.
- I've been lookin' for you two.
- We're hidin'.
- In a bookstore?
- Last place anyone'd look for us.
- I need help. You up for getting stoned?
- Look who you're askin'(!)
You, um, looking at that couple inside?
Actually I was just looking
at this little pink number over here.
They look happy, don't they?
- What? The bras?
- No, the couple.
- They look happy.
- I guess, as far as couples go.
You know, it reminds me
of an issue of Spider-Man I did,...
..when Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy
went lingerie-shopping.
..and pumpkin-bombed
the hell out of the place.
But aside from that,
it's pretty much the same thing.
Holy shit!
- Aren't you...
- 0h, Stan Lee. Hi.
- 'S up, boys? You guys on this show?
- That's the rumour.
Between hopin' to win, the crowd
out there, and bein' on TV,...
..I'd be scared as hell if I were yous two.
Sure, man. What if you fuck up?
Your friends and family watching.
I'd be piss-scared I'd get a boner
or fuckin' fart or something.
He's right. This is live.
Anything could happen.
Shut the fuck up, man.
You're makin' me nervous.
There's only one thing that could take off
that edge, make you feel relaxed as hell.
Make you forget how many people
are staring at you.
And what's that?
Snootchy bootchy nootchies!
The Fantastic Four. Reed Richards.
Can his whole body stretch? Every part?
- Like his...
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
We never tackled stuff like that then,
what with the comic-book code and all.
I can't believe I'm talking to you.
You're responsible for the greats!
- Let's do the list. Spider-Man.
- Guilty.
- The Incredible Hulk.
- Afraid so.
- 0h, man, this is so cool. The X-Men.
- Now that you mention it...
Shit, man. You are a god!
Hey, look at that couple.
Boy, they sure seem to be in love, huh?
That's the second time
you've commented on couples in love.
I like that sort of thing.
Tell me, do you have a girlfriend, Brodie?
Had one. We just broke up.
The Thing. Is his dork made of
orange rock like the rest of him?
It's a superhero secret. Tell me, why
did you and your girlfriend break up?
She was a pain in the ass. She wanted
me to be a typical boyfriend guy.
Said I was too into
my own world of comics.
Yeah, I can relate.
There was a time when
it was all about comics for me.
I had a girl, probably the same as yours.
She always complained that I spent
too much time with my own comics...
..and eventually we broke up.
See? What did she know?
You're a legend in the field now.
- Probably had a slew of women since.
- 0h, lots of women.
Jagger and me, we had a running
contest to see who had the most.
Matter of fact, last time
I looked, I was way ahead.
- Damn, that's hot!
- But I never forgot that girl.
Did you ever get back together with her?
I had blown it. I had missed my window.
No way. What'd you do?
I went on with my life.
I created some special new superheroes.
They were characters that reflected
my own heartbreak and my own regrets.
- How so?
- Doctor Doom wears body armour...
..to conceal his own mangled form, right?
Yeah.
The Hulk. A normal guy one minute,...
..a rage of emotions the next.
Just like me when I thought
about what I'd given up.
So you created each character as
a way to deal with your one big regret.
Yeah. The girl that got away.
Look, do yourself a favour, Brodie.
Don't wait, because all the money,...
..all the women, even
all the comic books in the world,...
..they can't substitute for that one person.
- I dunno. All the comics in the world.
- Trust me, true believer.
- Well, good talking to you.
- Keep up all the good work.
You keep reading 'em,
I'll keep writing 'em.
- Hey, Stan.
- Yeah?
- She really meant that much to you?
- Brodie, I'd give it all up, all of it,...
..for just one more day with her.
Take care.
- Stan!
- Hi.
- Hey, I think he bought it.
- What kinda story you give him?
It was the Vulture's soliloquy from
the Spider-Man anniversary issue.
- ''Love Be a Vulture Tonight.''
- Yeah, well, I can't thank you enough.
you oughta get him some help.
He seems to be really hung up
on superheroes' sex organs.
- But he'll outgrow it.
- I'll look into it.
I think I felt it move.
- Just kidding.
- I need your help.
Lend me that tape of Shannon Hamilton.
The future of my relationship rests on it.
- It's at my house.
- Take TS's car. The station wagon in 2D.
- I don't have a licence.
- Just go.
You still got that stage schematic? I need
you to wire something together for me.
- Jesus, what's with him?
- I don't know. I'm not feeling too well.
Yeah, but everything is fine.
We're about to start.
really special tonight, gentlemen.
I have lined up...
- Excuse me.
Jesus.
Sorry.
I've lined up some
really bright kids here...
..and this promises to be a lot of fun.
I'm sure you're gonna love it.
- Should you be in bed or something?
- No, I wouldn't miss this...
..for the world.
Go and make sure everybody's
ready and let's start, huh?
Uh! 0h, no, no, no.
- How much did you smoke?
- All it took was a fat, chronic blunt.
- These guys were lightweights.
- How much do I owe you?
My treat. As long as you promise,...
..next time you pop your old lady,
you make her call you ''Jay''.
- Let's hope there is a next time.
- All right, I'm ready.
You're never gonna believe who I just met.
- What the hell happened to these two?
- Power of the dark side.
Wait a minute. There's only two.
What happened to the third guy?
- I never saw a third guy.
- Hey, who's this asshole?
What the hell happened to those guys?
- They got lightheaded.
- You got that right.
- They gonna cancel the show?
- What d'you care?
I'm supposed to be on it.
I'm Gill Hicks. Suitor No.3.
We're taking their place.
I'm TS, this is Brodie.
- Didn't Svenning have you arrested?
- Look, dude. Don't give him any shit.
Something's going on.
Where's Mr Svenning?
Mr Svenning has come down
with a sudden case of diphtheria.
- What happened to those two?
- Got a case of the mad munchies.
- Is this the guy Svenning had arrested?
- Yes, it is.
All right, Quint. I dunno how you got
back in, but I'm alerting Mr Svenning.
We'll postpone the start
until we figure it out.
You called down the thunder.
Now you got it.
- Security!
- Roddy.
What?
- Jesus Christ, you knocked him out.
- Now hit him.
You call Security?
What happened to them?
They got stoned and knocked
this guy out. He needs help.
- That's not what... ow!
- Could you remove him? The show's on.
Whatever.
Look, dude. No more shit. Just go out
there and woo like you're supposed to.
When Tricia shows up here with
the videotape, get it to Silent Bob.
I'm on it. Wait a sec.
Where is that tubby bitch?
Good evening and welcome
to Truth or Date.
the fires of romance.
Hi. I'm Bob Summers, your host.
Tonight we'll watch as
one of our three lucky suitors...
..woos our beautiful,
eligible suitor-ette.
Ladies and gentlemen, get ready
for romance in the making,...
..as we introduce the suitors!
College, where he majors in economics.
Say hi to Doug Paging.
Do it, Doug!
from Canisius College in Buffalo,...
..where he majors in communications.
Say hi to Rob Feature.
..where he majors in
the fine arts and Greek mythology.
A nice welcome for Gill Hicks.
Pay attention, dick.
May the best man win.
Now I would like to introduce our lovely
suitor-ette from Monmouth State,...
..where she majors
in astronomy and earth sciences.
A big welcome
for the lovely Brandi Svenning!
All right, everybody knows
how the game is played.
some questions of our suitors...
..and make her decision based
on their answers. Anything goes!
- Brandi, are you ready?
- Absolutely, Bob.
Then you may fire when ready.
Suitor No.1.
If you were a car,
what kind of car would you be?
Um... the kind you'd never
dump your boyfriend in.
Can't you call me the second suitor?
Suitor No.2 sounds like a bathroom code.
- If we were making whoopee...
- What's ''whoopee''?
Um...
Uh, well, if we were, uh...
If we were being intimate.
- What, like fucking?
Yeah.
If we were, uh, you know,
what kind of noises would you make?
No, I think that's personal.
I don't think I should answer that.
Suitor No.3.
What would our first date be like?
Well, first I'd take you shopping
to the stores you'd wanna shop in,...
..then we'd do lunch, probably at the
Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing.
Then at night, we'd take in an opera.
Probably Die Fledermaus.
Then I'd follow it all up
with a drive to a secluded beach,...
..where I'd pop on the radio, and then
we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
That was the biggest
load of crap I've ever heard.
I mean, look at you! You're the kind
of guy that would beg for sex.
I should know, we can smell our own.
Suitor No.1.
If we fell in love,
how would you propose to me?
When Jaws popped out of the water.
Excuse me?
I propose to you now. I propose you
stop letting your father run your life...
..and you don't give up on somebody
you know has value.
And take off your socks when
you make whoopee, or whatever it is.
He hates it when you leave 'em on.
- What?
- Hypothetically speaking.
Suitor No.1. You sound familiar.
- Like your conscience, maybe?
- Look, lady, you don't know him.
Now make with the questions.
Suitor No.3.
Is your kiss like a soft breeze,...
..a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?
- Why's the funny guy moving his hands?
- I don't wanna know.
What the fuck is going on up there?
Definitely a jackhammer.
I'm in there with some pressure,...
..and when I'm done, you're not
the same as before. You're changed.
Where do you come up with this shit?
That is the cheesiest response to
an honest question I've ever heard.
I saw you kiss
and it wasn't anything like that.
Suitor No.2, you have to wait
until you're addressed before you respond.
Richard Dawson, just go back to your
podium until it's time to play the Feud.
- Who the hell'd you see me kiss?
- Some dude backstage.
- He seemed unimpressed.
- I didn't kiss any guy. I'm not gay!
Suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe.
You heard how repulsed he sounded.
Is this the kinda guy
you wanna spend a vacation with?
- I don't hate gay people.
- So you love them?
- Yes. I mean no.
- Textbook closet case. Self-loather.
Can't be comfortable with his sexuality.
- Brodie told me to give this to you.
- Are you watching this? It's fucked up.
I don't wanna be here when that tape
does what I think it's going to do.
Suitor-ette, how about
you answer a question for me?
- Um, I don't think that...
- How strong are your convictions?
- What are you talking about?
- Say you wind up with one of us.
- Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.
- 0h, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.
Why not? Because he's fat? You got
something against fat people, too?
Snootchy bootchies!
Are you ready?
Uh...
If I have a conviction, I stick to it.
- Were you ever in love?
- Yes, as a matter of fact.
What happened to your boyfriend?
Well, he, uh... We broke up.
- Why?
- It just didn't work out.
- I mean, were you unhappy?
- Sometimes.
- Why?
- TS?
Hey, what about the rest of us?
Why don't you ask me a question?
- Suitor No.2.
- Hey, what about me?
- 0h, Gill, just shut the fuck up.
Second suitor.
Would you ever make whoopee in public?
Already did once today.
My cousin Walter jerked off
in public once. True story.
He was on a plane to New Mexico
when, suddenly, the hydraulics went.
The plane started spinning
around, out of control.
He decides it's all over, and whips it
out and starts beating it right there.
All the other passengers take a cue from
him, and whip it out and beat like mad.
So all the passengers are beating off,
plummeting to their certain doom,...
..when all of a sudden, the hydraulics
kick back in and the plane rights itself.
It lands safely, and everyone puts their
pieces, or whatever, away and deboard.
Nobody mentions the phenomenon
to anyone else.
- Well, did he come or what?
- Jesus Christ, man!
There's just some things
you don't talk about in public!
Second suitor. If you were a comic-book
character, what character would you be?
Wow. That's a great question.
Tough one, though.
What does one gauge his response on?
Physical prowess? Keen detection skills?
The ability to banter well with villains?
- How's your comic collection, Brodie?
- It's going good, but...
I don't collect comics. Comics are for kids.
I knew it. Suitor No.1, you
just don't know when to quit, do you?
No. No, but you sure do.
I thought you were in love.
I was in love.
But I thought that I had a partner...
..who wouldn't fall to pieces
when things didn't go his way.
- How so?
- My father needed a contestant.
- What was I supposed to do?
- Maybe show a little backbone.
Show a little backbone? What did you do?
When I walked away, did you make
any effort to repair that breach?
You just ran off and cried on the shoulder
of Bumble the Boy Wonder over there.
Boy Wonder? I'm all man, lady.
So you're here now,
and you're ruining my father's new show.
You're airing all our
personal business on stage.
You've gone this far.
Why not tell them the whole story?
We were hours away from spending a
week together, away from family, school...
..and she backs out
because her daddy says so.
The girl who was meant to be
sitting in this chair died in a pool.
- When I tried to explain this to him,...
..he was such an asshole about it...
..that even though it killed me
to do it, I broke up with him.
You know, I've been crying all day,
but what did he do?
Well, he just goes on with his life.
Here he is. He's hanging out at a mall.
You put yourself on an auction block,
in front of a live studio audience.
Do I get a chance to field any questions?
No!
I think I should say something here.
I know both of you pretty well.
Suitor No.1 has pined over you all day,
trying to figure out how to win you back.
When this public opportunity to do that
arose, he pulled his shit together,...
..risked life and limb, and faced the odds
to come and give it his best shot.
I'm tired of this whole thing.
You're both retarded for each other.
Forget about the shit that happened
and do what you're supposed to.
I think the audience
would agree with me there.
Well, ask her, you silly bastard.
Miss Suitor-ette,...
..suitor No.1 loves you, has always
loved you and will always love you.
He's only got one question
that he'd like to ask.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
Snootchy bootchies,
Brodie-nootchies!
- Are we set or what?
- Good to go!
I think it's safe to say
we've made our match.
These two lucky people will be winging
their way to beautiful, sunny Florida...
..for a week of theme parks, beaches,...
..and a lot more, from the look of it.
Well, I guess that about wraps it up for...
Not just yet, Pat Sajak.
All right?
You, all right.
I believe you have
something that belongs to me.
- Yeah? What's that?
- Not you, asshole!
The girl.
You have my heart.
What can I say? I love the retard.
I thought tonight we were supposed...
Hey, Hamilton!
Let's try to wrap this up.
I promised her breakfast.
All right, that's it.
You're dead, mallrat.
I am gonna fuck you up beyond repair.
Sailboat. Sailboat. Goddamn sailboat.
Ladies and gentlemen, this
tall drink of water headed my way...
..is a pillar of the shopping community,...
..who informed me earlier
of his nefarious plan...
..to screw my girlfriend
in a very uncomfortable place.
What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
And as he comes up here...
Holy shit.
Without further ado, I present
you with an accurate portrayal...
..of the proprietor of Fashionable Male.
Now, Silent Bob!
I said ''Now, Silent Bob!''
When, Lord? When the hell
do I get to see the goddamn sailboat?
Now! Now, now, now!
Who's your favourite New Kid?
Huh? Call me Joey.
Ohh, yes. Don't make me
get loose. That's it.
Ohh, yeah. Call me Donny. Come on.
- Yeah. Please don't go, girl.
- This is one wacky game show.
Hey, that girl's only 15.
Come on, guys.
Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.
Hey. Where you're going, they screw
people in a very uncomfortable place.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Hey! You can't strike
a prisoner in custody.
All right, but make it fast.
Would you have gone on vacation
with the winner?
Well, what do you think?
I don't know. I think you would have.
But I would have sent you a postcard.
What the hell is wrong with me?
If the tape was out of reach,
how the hell did you get it?
The Jedi mind-trick!
Holy shit, motherfuckin' Yoda and shit!
''Adventure? Excitement?''
''A Jedi craves not these things.''
Did you see that shit?
Do you call that romance?
I call that illegal.
So...
So what?
I was wonderin', if maybe
you're not busy tomorrow night...
Yeah?
Would you like to come over
for dinner and meet my mother?
I can't guarantee you
she's gonna like you, but...
It was a warm-up. Please, come on! The
show would go smoother and be less racy.
Svenning, the show was a piece of shit.
Unoriginal, uninspired.
The only thing that saved it
was this guy here.
Hi, I'm Bentley Garrison, with the network.
We thought you were hysterical.
Hilarious. You got great presence.
- Ever considered hosting a talk show?
- Yeah.
Him?!
Yeah?
this cat stuck in his ass. True story.
He bought it at our local mall,
so the whole fiasco wound up on the news.
It was embarrassing for my relatives
but, the next week, he did it again.
Different cat, same results,
with another trip to the emergency room.
I run into him a week later
and he's buying another cat.
I says to him 'Jesus, Walt,
what're you doing?''
''You're gonna get this cat stuck in your
ass, too. Why don't you knock it off?''
He said to me ''Brodie, how the hell else
am I supposed to get the gerbil out?''
My cousin was a weird guy.
Brandi Svenning, come on down.
I'm taking your ass to Florida.
Let's go. Where's your luggage?
Come on, the plane leaves in an hour.
- TS, did you see Julie Dwyer last night?
- Yeah, at the video store.
She was talking about being
on your dad's stupid game show.
- 0h, my God. He's not here, is he?
- Yeah, he's inside.
TS, did you tell her that every time
you're on TV, you look 10lb heavier?
Uh...
Well, yeah. I told her that
the way that TV shows are shot...
..can make you look a lot
fatter than you really are.
What'd she do? Call up and cancel?
No. Not exactly.
TS, you know that Julie
had a huge weight problem in school.
She had the fattest ass.
And when you said that to her,
she went straight up to the YMCA...
..and just started doing laps because
she wanted to be fit for the show tonight.
And, well, in the middle
of her 700th lap,...
..this embolism popped in
her brain and she dropped dead.
Right in mid-backstroke.
She's fucking dead?
Then her sister told her parents
why she was doing all the laps...
..and it got back to my father and...
Shit, TS, he's really pissed at you.
I mean, it's awful
about Julie's death and...
..now he doesn't even have
a female contestant for his show.
- Can't you calm him down?
- I've done that.
- Thank God. How?
- I told him I'd do the show.
Good. What?!
Wait a minute. No, no.
We're leaving for Florida.
- TS, I can't go. I've gotta stay here.
- No, no, no.
I've got something planned for Florida.
No, we gotta go.
I'm doing this to get you
out of trouble with my father,...
..help him out of a bind which, you know,
you kind of are a little responsible for.
I bet he's happy that
you're not going away with me.
Are you kidding?
He's absolutely devastated about Julie.
I can't believe you.
Brandi, the guy hates me.
You know, I bet he sees this tragedy...
..as an opportunity to keep
you from going away with me.
Would you calm down?
You're being a complete ass.
Sometimes I forget you're such
a daddy's girl. It makes me sick.
Well, you know what I think's sick?
This relationship.
We weren't gonna do this make-up,
break-up shit any more.
You can just forget about making up.
You are exactly like my father.
It's always about what you need,
what you've got planned.
''Screw everybody else.
My shit is more important.''
You're as thoughtless and self-absorbed
as he is. You have so much in common,...
..I think you should date each other.
Brandi! Brandi, wait!
Sweet fucking Christ,
would you knock it off?
- God!
- What?
- What time is it?
- 9.30.
Man, go back to sleep!
- What the hell are you doing?
- Finishing my game.
- You promised me breakfast.
- Breakfast-schmreckfast.
Look at the score. I'm only in the middle
of the second and I'm winning 12-2.
Breakfasts come and go, Rene.
Now, Hartford, the Whale,...
..they only beat Vancouver once,
maybe twice in a lifetime.
- You hit the bathroom already?
- Don't worry, your mother didn't see me.
- Who's worried?
- Are you kidding me?
I've never met anyone who lives in
as much fear of his mother as you do.
- I do not.
- So that's why I have to sneak in here...
..after everyone's asleep
and sneak out in the morning?
You want I should tell
my mother what we do in here?
That you play video games
and I fall asleep unfulfilled?
Go ahead. It beats
the sneaking-around shit.
- What can I say if she doesn't like you?
- You've never even introduced me to her.
Cos you're always
in the goddamn bathroom.
What the hell do you do in there?
- You really wanna know?
- I asked, didn't I?
I'm playing the role of the concerned guy.
I cry.
- You cry.
- I cry.
Any particular reason?
- Hey!
I think about people that
make decisions that affect our lives.
The doctors who make
advancements in curing diseases.
The engineer that designs skyscrapers.
- The guy that maps out a flight path.
- The navigator.
I think about how those people
are out there every day...
..making a difference, leading big lives,...
..and how they refuse to be intimidated by
the tremendous odds of failure they face.
And how they only concern
themselves with company...
..that applies to their noble causes.
Jesus, I'd hate to tell you what
I think about when I'm in the bathroom.
I think about all that and I cry,...
..because I have nothing
better to do than fuck you.
You're dumping me?!
Is this because I didn't
introduce you to my mother?
You're a fickle broad.
Holy shit. If it isn't mon frre.
Usual vault rules apply.
Touch not, lest ye be touched.
- You're such an anal-retentive bastard.
- I tried to teach you about comics...
..but, oh, no, you wanted
to play Little League instead.
- What's that?
- Like it? I framed it before you got here.
- My God. Rene dumped you.
- Hell hath no fury...
..like a woman scorned for a Sega.
Wow, look at this
laundry list of complaints.
You have no direction,
no college ambition, no job prospects...
It also says I have no dick.
But that follows the financial question,...
..proving again what women really look for.
- Wow, she calls you ''callow'' in here.
- You say that like it's bad.
- It means frightened and weak-willed.
- Really?
Shit. That was the only part
of the letter I thought was complimentary.
Ah, well, you're lucky.
Unlike you, I didn't even get
a letter filled with obscure adjectives.
- What are you telling me here?
- I too, now, am in the framing business.
Holy shit! Brandi dumped you.
- Aren't you supposed to go to Florida?
- Yeah. Shoulda left this morning.
I was gonna propose to her.
- Where?
- 0n the Universal tour.
You're kidding! What part?
- When Jaws pops out of the water.
That's the most romantic thing
I've ever heard.
Too bad I'm not tryin' to marry you.
Let me ask you something.
Did you ever fart in front of her?
- Why do you ask?
- I never once farted in front of Rene.
Then last week, I let one slip.
Today she dumps me.
You think that that's why Rene dumped
you? She's not the shallow type, Brodie.
- She was goin' down on me.
- Shut up!
What? What can I say?
I was feeling very relaxed.
When I'm relaxed, I squirt.
If all she did was dump you,
you got off light.
I can't believe this shit. Why are we here
tryin' to figure out where we went wrong?
- We just nailed it in your case.
- No, there is something...
..that can help ease our double loss.
- Ritual suicide.
- No, you idiot, the fuckin' mall!
- I prefer ritual suicide.
- Come on, it'll be great.
They got these new cookies
at the cookie stand. They're awesome.
I love the smell of commerce
in the morning!
- You're really makin' that last.
- Waste not, want not.
- You wanna say something?
- A million things!
But I can't express myself monosyllabically
enough for you to understand 'em all.
- Asshole.
- Prick.
- What was that all about?
- That's the jerk from Fashionable Male,...
..this wannabe shop on the second floor.
He's the manager. The guy's always
givin' me shit. I have no idea why.
- I thought everybody loved you here.
- Eff him.
- Where do you wanna go first?
- Back to Brandi's.
Look, Brandi is the past, my friend.
She's behind you now.
You face forward, or you face
the possibility of shock and damage.
- You should heed your own advice.
- Where the hell did that come from?
Looks like a stage is being erected.
- What is this monstrosity?
- Is it the Easter Bunny pictures?
Impossible! That's at
the other end of the mall.
It's been up since two days
after Christmas. I want answers.
Ask one of the workers.
No, no, no. There's a soul
who might know what's up.
Willam.
- Willam!
- Uh-uh-uh... poopy trim.
Brodie, man. What's goin' on?
Do you work here now?
- No, man. Just hangin' with TS.
- 0h, TS.
- Willam, what are you doing?
- Looking for the hidden picture.
If you stare at these things long enough,
you're supposed to see a hidden picture.
- 0h, yeah, look! It's a sailboat.
- You saw it too? Damn it!
- What?
- I've been staring at this for a week,...
..and I can't see a goddamn thing!
- You gotta relax your eyes.
- Everyone sees this thing except me.
Today's my day.
I brought lunch and a soda,...
..and I'm not gonna leave until I see
this sailboat everyone talks about.
So, Willam.
Do you know what this
stage business is all about?
It's not a stage! I'm gonna see it
if I have to go blind trying.
No, man. This stage over here.
a game show in the mall today.
I think it's gonna be on TV.
It's called Truth or Date or something.
- That's Brandi's father's game show!
- What is it?
This cheesy Dating Game
rip-off for college kids.
Trying to capture
the '90s youth market with '70s television.
Man, why can't they bring back or
remake good shows, like BJ and the Bear?
There's a concept I like,
a man and his monkey.
Would you guys shut up?
You're breaking my concentration.
- Sorry, Willam.
- Now I have to start all over again.
- Good luck with that thing, Willam.
- Yeah, man. Remember, relax your eyes.
- Wow, a sailboat.
- Shut up.
Could this week get any worse? Now she's
gonna be auctioned off on TV from a mall.
Not a mall. The mall. Show some respect.
It doesn't have to go down
like that if we trash the thing.
There's a unique way of getting back in
her good graces - ruin her father's show.
I can get someone to do it for us. We'll be
blame-free and Brandi will miss the show.
- Who is this imaginary hatchet man?
- Hatchet men.
Knock it off!
Kitty, kitty, kitty!
- Hey, Jay!
- Brodie, man. Nootchy nootchies.
And look at this shit!
The mad fat-chick killer.
- I can't believe how fast word travels.
- Excellent. What's he doing?
Shithead watched
Empire and Jedi last week.
He's been trying to do
the Jedi mind trick.
Thinks he can levitate shit
with his thoughts. Knock it off!
- ''The Force is strong with this one.''
- Don't encourage him.
I was just saying we gotta find
Jay and Silent Bob.
If anyone can help us out, it's the two
guys who have less to do than us.
Everyone's lookin' for us today.
We're duckin' Tricia.
She wants to talk to
- Why him?
- Silent Bob's an electrical genius.
He won the school science fair by turning
his mom's vibrator into a CD player.
Motherfucker's like MacGyver.
Better than MacGyver.
- Knock it off!
- It's that kind of smarts we need, right?
Leave me out of this.
We need you to go on a little sabotage
mission on behalf of TS's love life.
You know about this game show
thing going on here?
We need you to somehow
ensure that it doesn't happen.
- Is that it? We were doing that anyway.
- Why?
What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob
stole a schematic of the stage...
..and found a weakness,
just like the Death Star.
He figures you pull this crossbeam out,
bickety-bam! The stage crashes down.
We were thinkin' about somethin' simple,
but if you prefer that, we're all for it.
- 0nly problem is LaFours.
- Who's LaFours?
You don't know who LaFours is?
He's the most feared security guard in
the business. 460 collars, all convicted.
- I hear he's even got two kills.
- Holy shit.
I never thought I'd see two such highly
reputable mischief-makers as yourselves...
..douse their drawers at the sight
of a mall security guard.
Shit, bitch. We're gonna
bust up that stage.
We're gonna outwit LaFours X-Men-style.
- Should I call you Logan, Weapon X?
- No, Wolverine. Snicky snicky snoine!
He's imitating Wolverine's berserker
attack with his adamantium claws.
- I never would have guessed.
- All right. Go forth and wreak havoc.
Bye, baby kitties.
Damn, Silent Bob. Show some heart.
That's better. We're on the job.
Thanks.
I'm shocked
you didn't try to dissuade them.
Huh! I would if I thought
for a second they could pull it off.
Want a cookie?
What's he doing?
If you stare at this poster,
a hidden picture appears.
Can we do it? Please? Please?
All right, go ahead.
But hurry. The Easter Bunny's waiting.
Wow, it's a schooner!
You dumb bastard!
It's not a schooner, it's a sailboat.
A schooner is a sailboat, stupid-head.
You know what?!
There is no Easter Bunny!
- But they're engaged.
- Doesn't matter. It can't happen.
- Why not? It's bound to come up.
- Lois could never have Superman's baby.
You think her Fallopian tubes
could handle the sperm?
I guarantee he blows a load
like a shotgun through her back.
Is her womb strong enough
to carry his child?
- Sure. Why not?
- He's an alien, for Christ's sake.
His Kryptonian biological make-up
is enhanced by Earth's sun.
If Lois gets a tan, the kid
could kick through her stomach.
enough uterus to carry his kid.
He could only bang regular chicks with a
kryptonite condom but that would kill him.
I've gone from Floridian sex with Brandi to
man-of-steel debates in the food court.
- Cookie stand is not in the food court.
- 0f course it is.
The food court is downstairs. We're
upstairs. This isn't quantum physics.
This is an eatery.
Eateries make up the food court.
Bullshit. Eateries in the designated square
downstairs qualify as food court.
Anything outside of
said designated square...
..is considered an autonomous unit
for mid-mall snacking.
If you're gonna wax intellectual
about the subject...
Holy shit.
- Wait here.
- Where are you goin'?
Cherchez la femme.
- That would look terrible on you.
- Didn't I dump your ass this morning?
You've had time to think
about the mistake you've made...
..and I want you to know
you don't have to apologise.
I'm sure you were just
PMS-ing or something.
What kills me about you
is your inability to function...
..on the same plane of existence
as the rest of us. Piss off.
this charade of ending our union.
Fine, I'll play along, but if we're divorced,
we have to divide our possessions.
- What the hell are you talking about?
- You have my Punisher WarJournal 6...
..and the remote control to my TV.
Now, I know this stuff has
sentimental attachment...
Sentimental attachment?
If I have any of that crap...
..it's because you brought it
to my house and left it there.
a schedule for visitation rights.
- For what?
- The mall. You have the odd days,...
..I'll take the even days and weekends.
When there's any special function...
Brodie, Brodie, Brodie!
I have always taken you
with a grain of salt.
When you asked me to do a striptease to
the theme from Mighty Mouse, I said 0K.
At that prom night, you asked me
to sleep under the bed...
..in case your mother burst in, and I did it.
And at my grandmother's funeral,
when you told my relatives...
..you could see her nipples through
her burial dress, I let it slide.
If you think I'm gonna suffer any more
of your shit now we're broken up...
..you're in for some
serious fucking disappointment.
What?
Phase one. First, you take a run
at LaFours with the sock full of quarters.
I'd do it, but I pulled my back out
humpin' your mom last night.
and knock his ass out cold.
Then phase two kicks in. I attack
the structure, Wolvie-berserk style,...
..knock out the fuckin' pin, and
bickety-bam, the motherfucker's rubble.
Hence - no game show.
Fuck!
Do you know that kid?
I hope his pants get caught
and a bloodbath ensues.
- What is with you today?
- I don't wish the kid harm,...
..but his mother should suffer that ordeal
so she'll learn how to manage her child!
- It's a harsh lesson, don't you think?
- Man, there's not a year goes by...
..that I don't read about an escalator
accident involving some bastard kid...
..that could have been avoided had
some parent - I don't care which one -
..conditioned him
to fear and respect that escalator!
Wow, look who it is.
- Jerk.
- Little Tricia Jones.
What's a pretty girl like you doin' sittin'
alone in this monument to consumerism?
Updating my calendar
and waiting for Jay and Silent Bob.
And I suppose you're here
with no agenda, as per usual?
TS Quint, Tricia Jones.
They call her Trish the Dish.
- Nobody calls me that.
- 0ur little Tricia is only 15,...
..but somehow she's a senior.
- How'd you manage that?
- (Brodie slurps)
Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off.
Yeah, right(!) So what d'you say?
You wanna nail TS?
- Jesus, Brodie!
- Calm down.
Trisha's compiling data for her book
about the sex drive of men ages 14-30.
I believe it's called Bore-gasm.:
A Study of the '90s Male Sexual Prowess.
Tell him about the advance you got.
Pendant Publishing gave me 20,000 based
on a treatment and a sample chapter.
- You're kidding!
- She's the youngest author in this field.
So Tricia sleeps with a bunch of guys
as research, and get this,...
- ..she videotapes all of them.
- What?
I get everybody's consent before we do it.
Most guys get off on it.
Men are easily amused.
- What are you writing here?
- I was coding last night's research.
- She means sex.
- I know what she meant.
- What kind of codes?
- Here, look.
The smiley face is when
I go down on the guy.
The smiley face with lashes
is when the guy goes down on me.
The circle is for when we have sex.
The circle with the X is
for when I have an orgasm.
The house is when we do it inside
and the grass is for outside.
That kid is back on the escalator again!
How old was last night's subject?
that store, Fashionable Male.
Holy shit! You slept with that asshole?
Why?
I needed a 25-year-old. And he has quite
a distaste for you, I might add.
- Eugh! He mentioned me during sex?
- Afterwards.
He says he wants to kick your ass.
I'd steer clear of him.
- Tell me you taped him saying that.
- No. I shut the camera off after the sex.
You shoulda heard what he wanted to do.
I'm having a hard time with this.
Do your parents know?
- 0f course.
- It's remarkable.
That's criminal. That kid...
That kid is back on the escalator again.
- Leave it alone!
- What?
So, I heard you were going to propose
to Brandi Svenning in some theme park.
When are men going to learn that women
want romance, not Mr Toad's Wild Ride.
Be fair, all right.
Everyone wants Mr Toad's Wild Ride.
We gotta go.
Remember my offer. I'm young,
virile, sensitive to a woman's needs.
Somehow I doubt it, Sega Boy.
Good luck with the comic-book store.
Sega Boy! God, Rene's got a big mouth.
What does ''Good luck with
the comic-book store'' mean?
How does junior Masters and
Johnson know about my proposal?
It's not like she's in an exclusive club.
- What are you talking about?
- Sean Hartle's telling everyone.
- What's he saying?
- Her father made her do the show...
..so you couldn't take her to Florida.
Now what the hell is this shit?
What do you gotta do to get comics here?
- Hey, what the hell's goin' on here?
- I was warned about you. Take it easy.
''Warned''? What the fuck do you mean?
- Tell him, Steve Dave.
- Fuck you, Fan Boy.
Would you two testosterone-seething,
he-men comic-book fans finish up?
- I got some questions.
- Who's in there?
- You gotta ask me nicely.
- Fuck you!
- Get the hell off him!
- You think just cos a guy reads comics,...
..he can't start some shit?
I'll fuckin' take all you on!
Somebody get a medic!
There's a boy caught in the escalator!
- Come back here and arrest this goon.
- You're fuckin' next!
I'm not goin' anywhere until
I find out why I can't get my comics.
- Excuse me.
- Don't hit me.
- Why is there a line?
- Stan Lee's signing comics.
Stan Lee?
We tie you to the roof,
you jump and sail off,...
..passing over the arch-nemesis, LaFours.
You swing up to the stage
and knock out the pin.
When that's gone, the stage is trashed
and we go smoke a bowl. You got it?
Now get your fat ass up there
and, dude, don't forget your helmet.
Fly, fat-ass! Fly!
What the fuck...?
You fucker!
Security? This is Popular Girl.
We just had something
crash through the wall.
Stan Lee! How does the creator of some
of the biggest titles in comics history...
..coming to my mall get by me?
I must be slipping in my old age.
The name amongst names!
There's a million questions
I'd love to ask him.
Her father! I knew this game show was
a beard for an attempt at breakin' us up.
Why can't he just leave us alone?
What kind of man are you, anyway?
I'm talkin' comics and you bring up
chicks and romance?
And why do you wanna get married now,
anyway? You're still in college.
I was just gonna propose.
The wedding would be later.
Waste of time.
My grandmother always said...
..''Why buy the cow
when you get the sex for free?''
- She did?
- All the time. 0f course,...
..she became a lesbian on her 60th
birthday, but that's beside the point.
Where the hell are these two goin'
in such a hurry?
- Has he gone?
- Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.
Damn, that bastard's faster
than Walt Flanagan's dog.
- What's with all the running?
- What the hell happened to him?
The human brown eye here
is a walkin' calamity.
We gotta pass on the stage-trashing,
otherwise he's liable to kill himself.
- Sorry, bro.
- No hard feelings, hey?
- Isn't that Rene?
- Yeah. She must be looking for me.
- I better go talk to her.
- No, she's with somebody.
- Wait a minute. Isn't that...
- The asshole from Fashionable Male?
- My God. You think they're...
- Could be. It'll explain why he hates me.
Can you run interference with the lug?
I'm gonna get some answers.
You work at the Fashionable Male,
don't you?
Yeah. So?
Uh, that's a great store you got there.
Thanks. Listen, I'm trying to spend
my lunch hour with my lady friend here.
So why don't you beat it?
Look, if you don't stop gawkin' at me,
I'm gonna kick your ass, 0K?
Haven't you heard the phrase
''The customer is always right''?
I'll let you in on a little secret.
The customer is always an asshole!
- Jesus Christ!
- What gives with the cover boy?
None of your business,
but he'll kick your ass for this.
Are you insane?
The guy looks like a date rapist!
- Is that my jacket?
- Start the elevator.
Not until you tell me what the situation
is with you and the Sperminator!
- How long has this been goin' on?
- Since I finally sent you packing.
- He's much more suitable than you.
- Are you nuts?!
The guy's pure testosterone.
He's a walking hard-on.
I'm in need of testosterone
after a year of baby-sitting you.
I forgot what real men were like.
I can't believe you have the nerve
to come to my mall and pick up guys!
Shannon did the picking up. He's
taken me to lunch at the Cheese Haus...
..and brought me shopping
to stores I wanna shop in.
I took you shopping all the time!
You took me where you went shopping!
Do you think I care what rathole store...
..has the latest Godzilla bootlegs?
Is eating in the same dive pizzeria
every night eating out?
Do I give a shit when two labels
are crossing over characters...
..and selling two editions
in different covers?
I'm a girl, dammit! I wanna do
girlie things like fix hair...
..and get romantic phone calls.
- I call you all the time!
- ''Rene, my mom's asleep. Come over.''
When was the last time
you told me I was beautiful?
This guy does all this in one day?
He already introduced me to his mother.
- Really?
- He was at work by nine o'clock,...
..unlike my ex-boyfriend who slept until
one because he played Sega all night,...
..which has an enormous
effect on your libido.
- Now you attack my libido?
- There's no libido to attack.
No libido to attack?!
- You sure you saw her get on, right?
- Maybe she was getting off.
- 0w!
- Sorry.
It's all right.
There, that was romantic, right?
Passionate, yeah.
No, Brodie, that was too little, too late.
Too little?
You said it was a good size.
The effort, you retard.
The effort was too little, too late.
But now that you mention it,
when a girl says it's a good size,...
..it's a nice way of saying that it's small.
Hey!
Hey!
- I am gonna kill that son of a bitch.
- No, no. Forget about him.
He wanted to give me something
he forgot to give me a long time ago.
He's harmless now, 0K?
Fine. I gotta get back
to the store. Let's go.
- In the elevator?
- I don't know what came over me.
She challenged my libido, so I defended
myself against her accusations.
- 0h, it's not like you still wanted her?
- Not in the least. I'm over her.
- Holy shit. You really love that girl.
- Yeah, right(!)
I never noticed it before,
but she really fuels your engine.
- You have this new glow about you.
- I don't.
- You do. You're glowin'.
- If I do, it's because I just got laid.
I'd look the same if I'd banged
anyone, present company excluded.
You're too proud to admit
that you want her back.
I suddenly want something
bad to happen to you.
What is your problem?
- 0h, Gwen, I'm sorry.
- You fucker!
See? That's what you get
for fuckin' with me.
Hey, Gwen. He didn't mean to hit you.
He's got a funny way of showin' it
by elbowing me in my freakin' tit.
- Why the hell are you glowing?
- I'm not glowing.
- Brandi dumped him.
- Would you stop saying that?
- I know. I heard.
- You heard how?
She told me. I ran into her
a few minutes ago.
- Really? Where?
- By the stage.
Do you want me to rub it?
Come on, work with me, people, please!
No, no. I want this more toward the front.
- The podium'll keep the rug down.
- Move... Move it...
Mr Svenning, the...
Give me the podium!
You put the podium down over here.
Like this.
And you stamp
the carpet down with your feet.
You speak English? Like this.
Mr Svenning! Let me help you up.
Get off! Move!
- All right, where's Brandi?
- Let go of me.
- Where's Brandi?
You're fired. You get the hell outta here.
Get off my set.
- Where is she?
- You are out of her life.
Now, you stay out of her business,
and mine. Understand me?
Come on. Are we working or what? Get the
backdrop ready! Are those lights ready?
Excuse me. You go over on the other side.
You put the podium over the bad spot in
the carpet. The hole, please. Go now, go.
You made her dump me and you're gonna
auction her off to further your own career?
Hey, not that it's any of your concern,
but Brandi agreed to be on Truth or Date.
After last night,
I think she's looking forward to it.
It'll give her a chance to find herself
a decent guy. Somebody with a brain.
So you admit it.
You are behind our break-up.
Admit it? I'm as proud of it
as I am this game show here.
TS... listen to me.
It's over between you two.
The sooner you get that,
the better off we're all gonna be.
Understand me? You don't.
Guard, come here. Get this guy off my set.
If he gives you any shit,
you have my permission to castrate him.
- You can't do this!
- I just did.
- Get me LaFours.
- Right away, sir.
Well, go on!
- How about these?
- Very sexy.
- That sounded convincing.
- I'm preoccupied.
TS, she told you, she's doing it
as a favour to her father.
She won't fuck the guy on public-access.
- She might as well.
- You're overreacting again.
That's why your relationships fail.
It's certainly why ours did.
You got bent out of shape the same way
over that costume party in high school.
You fucked Rick Derris on a pool table,
with everyone watching!
It was a costume party, TS.
No one could tell it was me.
Besides, who else but you
remembers shit like that?
- I woulda been a sexy chick!
- Do you remember that costume party?
The one where you banged
Rick Derris on the pool table?
- Nobody remembers shit like that(!)
- How is it you recall trivial events?
I'll never forget it. How often do you
get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?
Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?
(both) Except for the moustache.
They have a whole room to do that in.
Some pervert wanted
to see me naked today,...
..so he busted in on me twice
while I was changing.
- This saves some of the effort.
- 0h.
How much longer are we gonna be in
here? I'm starting to get a hard-on.
So, Brodie. Tell me about
the Rene break-up.
- I threw her away like a parking ticket.
- Ha!
Don't front. I talked to Rene's cousin
this morning. It was vice versa.
They aren't acting broken-up.
- Ask him about the elevator.
- Tell me about the elevator.
It goes up and down.
Rene seems so coarse, anyway.
What was it like to date her?
- Ever slept with somebody?
- Uh, yeah.
I mean really slept with somebody. Beside
them, not fuck them on a gaming table.
We, uh... We slept together one time
in high school. That ski trip.
That was you?
Yes, Brodie.
I have slept beside many people.
You know when someone lays with
their back to you and you lay behind...
..and throw one arm over 'em?
- It's called ''spooning''.
- Where does the other arm go?
You can lay on it
or shove it between your bodies.
The only other option
is to stretch it above your head.
But sometimes my arm pops out
of the socket when I sleep like that.
I was always searching
for someplace to keep my arm,...
- ..while still laying close to her.
- And?
What do you mean ''and''? That's like
a metaphor for our whole relationship.
I'm all out. I'll meet you at the food court.
I know exactly how he feels. Excuse me.
(sobs)
Fill this with Coke, no ice.
Want a sip of my soda?
Smart-ass ex-boyfriend.
I got two things to tell you.
I see ya every week in this mall.
I don't like shiftless layabouts.
You don't come to work or shop. You hang
out all day. Act like you fuckin' live here.
I have no respect for people
with no shopping agenda.
Is this what's known as
motivated salesmanship?
Rene told me to leave you alone,
but she's fuckin' clueless.
You see, Bruce,...
..I like to pick up girls on the rebound
from a disappointing relationship.
They're more vulnerable,
more in need of solace and they're...
..fairly open to suggestion.
And I use that to fuck them
someplace fairly uncomfortable.
What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
No. Like, uh... some place girls dread.
- Did we ever get along?
- 0nce or twice.
- How come we went out so long?
- You had cable.
- Are you gonna stay for the show?
- No way. When he gets back, I'm gone.
TS Quint, where's your sense of chivalry?
You're kiddin'! Easter Bunny did this?
I said the Easter Bunny at the Menlo Park
Mall was better and he knocked me down.
- He's fuckin' dead.
- Let it go. He's under a lot of pressure.
- What happened to him?
- Easter Bunny kicked his ass.
- I had it coming.
- Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.
- What really happened?
- The owner of Fashionable Male did it.
- Shannon Hamilton?
- You know that guy?
I dated him after we split. He tried
to screw me somewhere uncomfortable.
- Like the back of a Volkswagen?
- Sounds like his M0.
- Can you get up?
- Am I still glowing?
Barely breathing. Was Rene involved?
It was an independent act of aggression.
He told me he intended to penetrate...
..my ex-girlfriend
in a notorious body cavity.
- Sounds like him.
- You better tell Rene.
No. If she's not smart enough to see
through him, she deserves the discomfort.
I, on the other hand, have had all
the discomfort I can stand for a day.
- I'm late. I gotta go.
- You're gonna leave with him like this?
I gotta split. You're gonna be 0K, Brodie?
A couple of pins in the hip, I'll be fine.
That's my boy!
Bye, guys. Be good.
Women. Always leaving you when you've
just had the crap kicked out of you.
You look like you're gonna live to me.
You stay here. I gotta hit the bathroom.
Please, don't say ''hit''.
for your Easter eggs on Sunday.
- Bye-bye, Easter Bunny.
- All right. Who's next?
Hey, guys. Wait in line,
like everybody else.
- What the hell is this?
- This is for Brodie.
- He's here.
- What?
Him and Brodie. Don't sweat,
though. He's leaving.
He seems really broken-up
over this whole thing.
Maybe because we're broken up
for good this time.
I remember when I dumped TS. I was all
right with it until he started dating you.
- A little jealousy residue?
- I thought so at first.
Then I realised it was more than that.
When I saw how he was with you
and how you complemented each other,...
..it finally hit me that TS is a great catch.
- Gwen, you were always cheating on him.
- Capricious youth?
- Doesn't mean I wasn't regretful.
- Jesus, Gwen. The last thing I need now...
..is a lecture on my love life.
All I'm saying is that the really
good guys are few and far between.
In fact, I haven't met one since TS.
And even if I did meet one, I guarantee
I'd use him as a basis for my comparison.
- You can have him if you want him.
- Believe me, I might consider trying...
..if he weren't so hung up on you.
I gotta get home.
- Have a great show.
- 0K. Bye.
Chocolate-covered pretzel?
This is Roddy, Mr Zvenning's assistant.
Mr Svenning would like
to have a word with you.
Where? These are melting.
Copy that. By the stage.
Tell him I'll be there in a minute.
- What do you think?
- I don't trust it.
Maybe he's ready to talk reasonably.
Reasonably? You should go
over there and give him shit.
- I'm trying to marry his daughter.
- You can't scream at him...
..but you should still stick it to him.
- How do you propose I do that?
- You stink-palm him.
- Stink-palm?
- You stick your hand in your ass.
You've been walking all day,
no doubt you're sweaty as hell.
Look at you. A grown man
with his hand down his pants.
I probably look like my old man.
There. Now you shake hands with the guy.
''Mr Svenning, how have you been?''
- Why?
- You know how long the smell lasts?
Scrub all you like.
It'll stick around for at least two days.
What will his colleagues and family think?
That he can't wipe his ass properly.
Meanwhile, you are left
with a hand that smells like shit.
Small price to pay for
the smiting of one's enemies.
I think I'll pass. But do me a favour.
Stay here while I go talk to him.
I assure you tonight's programme
will go off without a hitch.
I hope so, for your sake. It's
a dangerous mall for a game show.
The Easter Bunny was accosted earlier.
If there's anything resembling the trouble
you had at the Governor's Ball,...
..you'll end up hosting
the Lotto drawing on public-access.
Gentlemen, please trust me.
I have taken the necessary precautions to
ensure everything will go smoothly, hm?
- (man) Look out!
- (crash)
Nothing to worry about.
Sound test. Sound test.
I tell you what. Why don't...
Why don't I meet you back
here around showtime?
- Somebody said you wanted to see me.
- Quint.
I accept that you
no doubt fucked my daughter.
The two of you have been
dating long enough...
..for you to have slimed
your way into her panties...
..and I am sure you did just that
at least once or twice in my own house.
Probably while I was at home.
Brandi has a bright future.
She is an extremely intelligent
and capable girl...
..and I'm sure that one day she will
be even more successful than me. Maybe.
But you...
You, on the other hand,
have absolutely no ambition. Hm?
And no chance of making it
in the real world.
My daughter is too good for you.
You will never ever be with her, hm?
So, if there isn't anything else...
Hey, fellas.
Well, well, well, if it isn't my neighbour.
Mr Svenning, how've you...
Damn, would you feel that iron-grip
handshake! Like Burt Reynolds and shit.
So! What's going on here?
a few of his lesser points.
Hey, look at that ring. What is that?
That is my junior-college class ring.
Cum laude '69.
I also hope to come loud one day,
preferably in a 69.
Say, would you like
a chocolate-covered pretzel?
They're a little melty,
but damn, are they exquisite!
If I remember correctly,
you're a big pretzel fan.
- Um... Dark chocolate?
- Yeah.
- 0h, no.
- 0h, come on!
- No, no, please.
- They're awesome. Here you go.
Thank you.
Mm!
That's good.
Good, good. Very nice.
And, you know, being a man who believes
in ''0ne good turn deserves another'',...
..I have something to offer
the both of you.
Really? What's that?
- What is this?
- These are called ''handcuffs''.
of you were in the mall,...
..I decided to set up this little ambush...
..to remove you and your sidekick
here from the premises, permanently.
Hey, why am I his sidekick?
How do you know he's not my sidekick?
Rene! Get Jay and Silent Bob!
Please! Hurry!
- Did somebody call your name?
- Um...
- I have to go to the bathroom. Wait here.
- Hey, anything for you, babe.
- It's your day.
- Thanks.
What you need is
a fatty boom-batty blunt.
I guarantee you'd see
a sailboat, an ocean...
..and maybe some big-titted
mermaids doin' lesbian shit.
Look at me, you sloppy bitch!
Dude, you're a mad chick magnet.
TS. Brodie. Security guards.
Under arrest. They need help. Go!
Wow. A sailboat.
- Brenda?
- Dick!
This is illegal!
You can't arrest us for nothing.
Mr LaFours turns us over to the police,...
..the bag of contraband
that he's ''found'' on our persons...
..will give them reason to lock us up,
at least for the duration of the show.
Isn't that right, Mr LaFours?
''Come, son of Jor-El. Kneel before Zod!''
Snootchy bootchies!
- Vulcan nerve pinch?
- That was close!
See that stink-palm? He licked his hand.
- We gotta go. They'll be looking for us.
- 0h, thank you, man. We owe you one.
- You wanna hide? I know a place.
- Let's go.
- Don't I get to wash my hand first?
- Brodie!
What the shit are we gonna do?
Yeah. Come on, we're fucked.
They're right behind us. Come on!
Yeah! Badass! Yeah!
Where do you get those wonderful toys?
- This is where we're hiding?
- Cops never come in here.
Neither does any
self-respecting consumer.
- What do you see in this place?
- Good buys. Great people. Earthy aromas.
- Hey, Walt!
- Brodie!
- They know me here.
- I wouldn't be too proud of that.
Why is the sound of defeat in your voice?
Might be because I've been defeated.
Man, you're giving up? You used to be
a stand-up kind of guy. What happened?
That guy punched Amanda Gross's
mother after she called him ''low class''.
- That wasn't me. That was you.
- 0h, yeah.
- And it was her grandmother.
- No wonder the bitch went down so fast.
Hey, you should have boards
in them, all right?
Bloody savage.
That is one of your more admirably
deplorable traits.
You would beat up a grandmother,...
..or a senior citizen's community,
if you believe in the principle.
Yeah, but only if they were really old.
Maybe I was deluded. 0r maybe
you were right when you said that...
..if something stupid could trip up
Brandi's feelings, she's not really into it.
You're gonna listen to me,
to something I said?
Jesus, man! Haven't I made it clear during
our friendship that I don't know shit?
Half the time, I'm just talkin'
outta my ass, or stickin' my hand in it.
Sometimes, yes, but on occasion
you have let a nugget of truth slip out.
This morning may have been such a time.
You know what you need?
Some sage-like advice.
You've given me enough
for one day, thanks.
Not from me. From Ivannah.
Who's Ivannah?
- I can't even find the words.
- Isn't that ingenuity?
- Why do palm-reading topless?
- It makes the news easier to take.
She could tell me I was gonna die
in ten minutes if she told me topless.
- Your maleness amazes me sometimes.
- What can I say? I love tits.
- What kind of people use this service?
- People like us.
- You're not suggesting we...
- Don't be such a fundamentalist.
I've already reached my lowest.
This is where I draw the line.
- You used to like tits, too.
- I love tits as much as any guy...
..but why would I pay some hag money
for some supernatural chicanery...
..coupled with sagging, wrinkled boobs?
Man, this place is
something out of Octopussy.
You've come for a
glimpse at your future?
Amongst other things.
Talents like those I possess
are not to be taken lightly.
If you have heart condition,
suffer from nervous nausea,...
..or have a family history
of stress-induced breakdown,...
..Empire Entertainment
recommend you do not partake...
..in the fortune-telling
activities contained within.
- You guys still in?
- We're healthy and strapping young men.
You give me 58 dollar, 60 cent.
What?
- You expect me to pay?
- I'm broke. I'll pay you back.
My God! I can't believe you.
I didn't even wanna do this.
You'll thank me later.
Thank you.
Mm.
All right, gentlemen. Free your mind.
- I'd like to free something.
- Fuckus.
- That's what I was thinking.
- She said ''focus''.
Mmm.
I sense a grave disturbance
between you both.
A difficulty in affecting
a resolution for a problem.
Something hard.
- I'm convinced she's got the gift.
- Try to contain yourself.
Miss, I appreciate the effort, and I'm
sure you're very good at what you do,...
..but my shallow friend here
isn't interested in his future,...
..so you can cut the theatrics.
Great. I do much better when
I don't have to say things in character.
- You don't have to say anything.
- You paid. I should tell you something.
But in order to do that...
..I have to work completely...
..unfettered.
Ahh... ohh, yes.
the problem here.
Girl trouble.
Apparently, you're both on the outs
with your respective steadies.
- That's amazing.
- That's disgusting!
the pain... ow!... of loss,...
..but only one of you makes it vocal.
The other one suffers silently.
- God, you're right.
- We gotta go.
How can this be resolved?
I would say... yes.
Combine your efforts. That's what I see.
- Let me tell you what I see.
- That's great.
I don't buy her power.
All right, when's my birthday?
Between the first and last...
..of 0ctober.
- D'you hear that?
- Very haunting. Let's go.
Miss Ivannah, why are you
stuck in this dirt mall?
How come you're not in a larger, upscale
setting? You could be raking in the dough.
Believe it or not, some people
still frown on topless fortune-telling.
And, unfortunately, it's
the only way that I'm effective.
- Really?
- It's the third nipple that does it.
- 0h, you have a third nipple?
- What are you talking about?
It's as clear as day!
Look at it, for God's sake!
- You can stare at it. I don't mind.
- No.
Understanding is reached
only after confrontation.
Miss Ivannah, thank you. I can't tell
you how informative you've been.
Thank you very much.
And... don't ever lose that nipple.
I won't.
- Do you have...
- Any other extra body parts?
- No.
- Just curious.
You could double-check me, if you like.
- Really?
- Really.
Come on!
Works every time.
- Whoa! You're gonna what?
- Get on her father's game show.
Are you kidding? Last time we were here,
Svenning had dope planted on us!
He can't touch us once it starts. It's a live
feed. He'd lose face in front of the execs.
- It can't happen.
- I'm gonna make it happen.
''Understanding is reached
only after confrontation.''
- Brandi will respond to confrontation.
- Are you the guy who split with Brandi?
What the hell is your problem? You're
supposed to be the impetuous one here.
- I'm being rational.
- You're scared...
..you might want to win Rene back.
- Rene who?
- 0h, whatever. Just do me a favour.
Meet me by the stage
once the show starts.
- Where are you going?
- Shopping.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
Dude, this looks like your mom.
- I've been lookin' for you two.
- We're hidin'.
- In a bookstore?
- Last place anyone'd look for us.
- I need help. You up for getting stoned?
- Look who you're askin'(!)
You, um, looking at that couple inside?
Actually I was just looking
at this little pink number over here.
They look happy, don't they?
- What? The bras?
- No, the couple.
- They look happy.
- I guess, as far as couples go.
You know, it reminds me
of an issue of Spider-Man I did,...
..when Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy
went lingerie-shopping.
..and pumpkin-bombed
the hell out of the place.
But aside from that,
it's pretty much the same thing.
Holy shit!
- Aren't you...
- 0h, Stan Lee. Hi.
- 'S up, boys? You guys on this show?
- That's the rumour.
Between hopin' to win, the crowd
out there, and bein' on TV,...
..I'd be scared as hell if I were yous two.
Sure, man. What if you fuck up?
Your friends and family watching.
I'd be piss-scared I'd get a boner
or fuckin' fart or something.
He's right. This is live.
Anything could happen.
Shut the fuck up, man.
You're makin' me nervous.
There's only one thing that could take off
that edge, make you feel relaxed as hell.
Make you forget how many people
are staring at you.
And what's that?
Snootchy bootchy nootchies!
The Fantastic Four. Reed Richards.
Can his whole body stretch? Every part?
- Like his...
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
We never tackled stuff like that then,
what with the comic-book code and all.
I can't believe I'm talking to you.
You're responsible for the greats!
- Let's do the list. Spider-Man.
- Guilty.
- The Incredible Hulk.
- Afraid so.
- 0h, man, this is so cool. The X-Men.
- Now that you mention it...
Shit, man. You are a god!
Hey, look at that couple.
Boy, they sure seem to be in love, huh?
That's the second time
you've commented on couples in love.
I like that sort of thing.
Tell me, do you have a girlfriend, Brodie?
Had one. We just broke up.
The Thing. Is his dork made of
orange rock like the rest of him?
It's a superhero secret. Tell me, why
did you and your girlfriend break up?
She was a pain in the ass. She wanted
me to be a typical boyfriend guy.
Said I was too into
my own world of comics.
Yeah, I can relate.
There was a time when
it was all about comics for me.
I had a girl, probably the same as yours.
She always complained that I spent
too much time with my own comics...
..and eventually we broke up.
See? What did she know?
You're a legend in the field now.
- Probably had a slew of women since.
- 0h, lots of women.
Jagger and me, we had a running
contest to see who had the most.
Matter of fact, last time
I looked, I was way ahead.
- Damn, that's hot!
- But I never forgot that girl.
Did you ever get back together with her?
I had blown it. I had missed my window.
No way. What'd you do?
I went on with my life.
I created some special new superheroes.
They were characters that reflected
my own heartbreak and my own regrets.
- How so?
- Doctor Doom wears body armour...
..to conceal his own mangled form, right?
Yeah.
The Hulk. A normal guy one minute,...
..a rage of emotions the next.
Just like me when I thought
about what I'd given up.
So you created each character as
a way to deal with your one big regret.
Yeah. The girl that got away.
Look, do yourself a favour, Brodie.
Don't wait, because all the money,...
..all the women, even
all the comic books in the world,...
..they can't substitute for that one person.
- I dunno. All the comics in the world.
- Trust me, true believer.
- Well, good talking to you.
- Keep up all the good work.
You keep reading 'em,
I'll keep writing 'em.
- Hey, Stan.
- Yeah?
- She really meant that much to you?
- Brodie, I'd give it all up, all of it,...
..for just one more day with her.
Take care.
- Stan!
- Hi.
- Hey, I think he bought it.
- What kinda story you give him?
It was the Vulture's soliloquy from
the Spider-Man anniversary issue.
- ''Love Be a Vulture Tonight.''
- Yeah, well, I can't thank you enough.
you oughta get him some help.
He seems to be really hung up
on superheroes' sex organs.
- But he'll outgrow it.
- I'll look into it.
I think I felt it move.
- Just kidding.
- I need your help.
Lend me that tape of Shannon Hamilton.
The future of my relationship rests on it.
- It's at my house.
- Take TS's car. The station wagon in 2D.
- I don't have a licence.
- Just go.
You still got that stage schematic? I need
you to wire something together for me.
- Jesus, what's with him?
- I don't know. I'm not feeling too well.
Yeah, but everything is fine.
We're about to start.
really special tonight, gentlemen.
I have lined up...
- Excuse me.
Jesus.
Sorry.
I've lined up some
really bright kids here...
..and this promises to be a lot of fun.
I'm sure you're gonna love it.
- Should you be in bed or something?
- No, I wouldn't miss this...
..for the world.
Go and make sure everybody's
ready and let's start, huh?
Uh! 0h, no, no, no.
- How much did you smoke?
- All it took was a fat, chronic blunt.
- These guys were lightweights.
- How much do I owe you?
My treat. As long as you promise,...
..next time you pop your old lady,
you make her call you ''Jay''.
- Let's hope there is a next time.
- All right, I'm ready.
You're never gonna believe who I just met.
- What the hell happened to these two?
- Power of the dark side.
Wait a minute. There's only two.
What happened to the third guy?
- I never saw a third guy.
- Hey, who's this asshole?
What the hell happened to those guys?
- They got lightheaded.
- You got that right.
- They gonna cancel the show?
- What d'you care?
I'm supposed to be on it.
I'm Gill Hicks. Suitor No.3.
We're taking their place.
I'm TS, this is Brodie.
- Didn't Svenning have you arrested?
- Look, dude. Don't give him any shit.
Something's going on.
Where's Mr Svenning?
Mr Svenning has come down
with a sudden case of diphtheria.
- What happened to those two?
- Got a case of the mad munchies.
- Is this the guy Svenning had arrested?
- Yes, it is.
All right, Quint. I dunno how you got
back in, but I'm alerting Mr Svenning.
We'll postpone the start
until we figure it out.
You called down the thunder.
Now you got it.
- Security!
- Roddy.
What?
- Jesus Christ, you knocked him out.
- Now hit him.
You call Security?
What happened to them?
They got stoned and knocked
this guy out. He needs help.
- That's not what... ow!
- Could you remove him? The show's on.
Whatever.
Look, dude. No more shit. Just go out
there and woo like you're supposed to.
When Tricia shows up here with
the videotape, get it to Silent Bob.
I'm on it. Wait a sec.
Where is that tubby bitch?
Good evening and welcome
to Truth or Date.
the fires of romance.
Hi. I'm Bob Summers, your host.
Tonight we'll watch as
one of our three lucky suitors...
..woos our beautiful,
eligible suitor-ette.
Ladies and gentlemen, get ready
for romance in the making,...
..as we introduce the suitors!
College, where he majors in economics.
Say hi to Doug Paging.
Do it, Doug!
from Canisius College in Buffalo,...
..where he majors in communications.
Say hi to Rob Feature.
..where he majors in
the fine arts and Greek mythology.
A nice welcome for Gill Hicks.
Pay attention, dick.
May the best man win.
Now I would like to introduce our lovely
suitor-ette from Monmouth State,...
..where she majors
in astronomy and earth sciences.
A big welcome
for the lovely Brandi Svenning!
All right, everybody knows
how the game is played.
some questions of our suitors...
..and make her decision based
on their answers. Anything goes!
- Brandi, are you ready?
- Absolutely, Bob.
Then you may fire when ready.
Suitor No.1.
If you were a car,
what kind of car would you be?
Um... the kind you'd never
dump your boyfriend in.
Can't you call me the second suitor?
Suitor No.2 sounds like a bathroom code.
- If we were making whoopee...
- What's ''whoopee''?
Um...
Uh, well, if we were, uh...
If we were being intimate.
- What, like fucking?
Yeah.
If we were, uh, you know,
what kind of noises would you make?
No, I think that's personal.
I don't think I should answer that.
Suitor No.3.
What would our first date be like?
Well, first I'd take you shopping
to the stores you'd wanna shop in,...
..then we'd do lunch, probably at the
Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing.
Then at night, we'd take in an opera.
Probably Die Fledermaus.
Then I'd follow it all up
with a drive to a secluded beach,...
..where I'd pop on the radio, and then
we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
That was the biggest
load of crap I've ever heard.
I mean, look at you! You're the kind
of guy that would beg for sex.
I should know, we can smell our own.
Suitor No.1.
If we fell in love,
how would you propose to me?
When Jaws popped out of the water.
Excuse me?
I propose to you now. I propose you
stop letting your father run your life...
..and you don't give up on somebody
you know has value.
And take off your socks when
you make whoopee, or whatever it is.
He hates it when you leave 'em on.
- What?
- Hypothetically speaking.
Suitor No.1. You sound familiar.
- Like your conscience, maybe?
- Look, lady, you don't know him.
Now make with the questions.
Suitor No.3.
Is your kiss like a soft breeze,...
..a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?
- Why's the funny guy moving his hands?
- I don't wanna know.
What the fuck is going on up there?
Definitely a jackhammer.
I'm in there with some pressure,...
..and when I'm done, you're not
the same as before. You're changed.
Where do you come up with this shit?
That is the cheesiest response to
an honest question I've ever heard.
I saw you kiss
and it wasn't anything like that.
Suitor No.2, you have to wait
until you're addressed before you respond.
Richard Dawson, just go back to your
podium until it's time to play the Feud.
- Who the hell'd you see me kiss?
- Some dude backstage.
- He seemed unimpressed.
- I didn't kiss any guy. I'm not gay!
Suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe.
You heard how repulsed he sounded.
Is this the kinda guy
you wanna spend a vacation with?
- I don't hate gay people.
- So you love them?
- Yes. I mean no.
- Textbook closet case. Self-loather.
Can't be comfortable with his sexuality.
- Brodie told me to give this to you.
- Are you watching this? It's fucked up.
I don't wanna be here when that tape
does what I think it's going to do.
Suitor-ette, how about
you answer a question for me?
- Um, I don't think that...
- How strong are your convictions?
- What are you talking about?
- Say you wind up with one of us.
- Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.
- 0h, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.
Why not? Because he's fat? You got
something against fat people, too?
Snootchy bootchies!
Are you ready?
Uh...
If I have a conviction, I stick to it.
- Were you ever in love?
- Yes, as a matter of fact.
What happened to your boyfriend?
Well, he, uh... We broke up.
- Why?
- It just didn't work out.
- I mean, were you unhappy?
- Sometimes.
- Why?
- TS?
Hey, what about the rest of us?
Why don't you ask me a question?
- Suitor No.2.
- Hey, what about me?
- 0h, Gill, just shut the fuck up.
Second suitor.
Would you ever make whoopee in public?
Already did once today.
My cousin Walter jerked off
in public once. True story.
He was on a plane to New Mexico
when, suddenly, the hydraulics went.
The plane started spinning
around, out of control.
He decides it's all over, and whips it
out and starts beating it right there.
All the other passengers take a cue from
him, and whip it out and beat like mad.
So all the passengers are beating off,
plummeting to their certain doom,...
..when all of a sudden, the hydraulics
kick back in and the plane rights itself.
It lands safely, and everyone puts their
pieces, or whatever, away and deboard.
Nobody mentions the phenomenon
to anyone else.
- Well, did he come or what?
- Jesus Christ, man!
There's just some things
you don't talk about in public!
Second suitor. If you were a comic-book
character, what character would you be?
Wow. That's a great question.
Tough one, though.
What does one gauge his response on?
Physical prowess? Keen detection skills?
The ability to banter well with villains?
- How's your comic collection, Brodie?
- It's going good, but...
I don't collect comics. Comics are for kids.
I knew it. Suitor No.1, you
just don't know when to quit, do you?
No. No, but you sure do.
I thought you were in love.
I was in love.
But I thought that I had a partner...
..who wouldn't fall to pieces
when things didn't go his way.
- How so?
- My father needed a contestant.
- What was I supposed to do?
- Maybe show a little backbone.
Show a little backbone? What did you do?
When I walked away, did you make
any effort to repair that breach?
You just ran off and cried on the shoulder
of Bumble the Boy Wonder over there.
Boy Wonder? I'm all man, lady.
So you're here now,
and you're ruining my father's new show.
You're airing all our
personal business on stage.
You've gone this far.
Why not tell them the whole story?
We were hours away from spending a
week together, away from family, school...
..and she backs out
because her daddy says so.
The girl who was meant to be
sitting in this chair died in a pool.
- When I tried to explain this to him,...
..he was such an asshole about it...
..that even though it killed me
to do it, I broke up with him.
You know, I've been crying all day,
but what did he do?
Well, he just goes on with his life.
Here he is. He's hanging out at a mall.
You put yourself on an auction block,
in front of a live studio audience.
Do I get a chance to field any questions?
No!
I think I should say something here.
I know both of you pretty well.
Suitor No.1 has pined over you all day,
trying to figure out how to win you back.
When this public opportunity to do that
arose, he pulled his shit together,...
..risked life and limb, and faced the odds
to come and give it his best shot.
I'm tired of this whole thing.
You're both retarded for each other.
Forget about the shit that happened
and do what you're supposed to.
I think the audience
would agree with me there.
Well, ask her, you silly bastard.
Miss Suitor-ette,...
..suitor No.1 loves you, has always
loved you and will always love you.
He's only got one question
that he'd like to ask.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
Snootchy bootchies,
Brodie-nootchies!
- Are we set or what?
- Good to go!
I think it's safe to say
we've made our match.
These two lucky people will be winging
their way to beautiful, sunny Florida...
..for a week of theme parks, beaches,...
..and a lot more, from the look of it.
Well, I guess that about wraps it up for...
Not just yet, Pat Sajak.
All right?
You, all right.
I believe you have
something that belongs to me.
- Yeah? What's that?
- Not you, asshole!
The girl.
You have my heart.
What can I say? I love the retard.
I thought tonight we were supposed...
Hey, Hamilton!
Let's try to wrap this up.
I promised her breakfast.
All right, that's it.
You're dead, mallrat.
I am gonna fuck you up beyond repair.
Sailboat. Sailboat. Goddamn sailboat.
Ladies and gentlemen, this
tall drink of water headed my way...
..is a pillar of the shopping community,...
..who informed me earlier
of his nefarious plan...
..to screw my girlfriend
in a very uncomfortable place.
What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
And as he comes up here...
Holy shit.
Without further ado, I present
you with an accurate portrayal...
..of the proprietor of Fashionable Male.
Now, Silent Bob!
I said ''Now, Silent Bob!''
When, Lord? When the hell
do I get to see the goddamn sailboat?
Now! Now, now, now!
Who's your favourite New Kid?
Huh? Call me Joey.
Ohh, yes. Don't make me
get loose. That's it.
Ohh, yeah. Call me Donny. Come on.
- Yeah. Please don't go, girl.
- This is one wacky game show.
Hey, that girl's only 15.
Come on, guys.
Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.
Hey. Where you're going, they screw
people in a very uncomfortable place.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Hey! You can't strike
a prisoner in custody.
All right, but make it fast.
Would you have gone on vacation
with the winner?
Well, what do you think?
I don't know. I think you would have.
But I would have sent you a postcard.
What the hell is wrong with me?
If the tape was out of reach,
how the hell did you get it?
The Jedi mind-trick!
Holy shit, motherfuckin' Yoda and shit!
''Adventure? Excitement?''
''A Jedi craves not these things.''
Did you see that shit?
Do you call that romance?
I call that illegal.
So...
So what?
I was wonderin', if maybe
you're not busy tomorrow night...
Yeah?
Would you like to come over
for dinner and meet my mother?
I can't guarantee you
she's gonna like you, but...
It was a warm-up. Please, come on! The
show would go smoother and be less racy.
Svenning, the show was a piece of shit.
Unoriginal, uninspired.
The only thing that saved it
was this guy here.
Hi, I'm Bentley Garrison, with the network.
We thought you were hysterical.
Hilarious. You got great presence.
- Ever considered hosting a talk show?
- Yeah.
Him?!
Yeah?