Manbaby (2022) Movie Script
1
It's show time, folks
Put your hands together for
the ugliest baby in America.
His jokes stink worse than his diapers.
He's one bad baby.
But don't spank him.
He might like it.
Here he is... MANBABY
Yeah!
I love this crowd!
Life y'know It's not fair.
Look at me.
I didn't even get to dress myself today,
The other day, I told my mom
I wanted some breast milk.
She said she just wanted to be friends.
Life you know, it's just not fair, babies
We're always getting the bum rap.
All right, hold on.
Bathroom break!
This baby needs a change... Hey,
Hey! I was born yesterday.
Someone asked my wife what
she likes in a guy like me, she said.
Depends!
Any ladies want to be My breast friend?
Take ya back to my crib.
We'll party into the wee wee hours.
Cause everybody loves a
baby babies make the world smile.
Waa waa waa, I want my Baba!
Goodnight your Holiness
That was great...
Better out than in I always say,
but when you gotta drop a
deuce, you got to drop a deuce.
You know what I'm saying, bro?
I do RAE: I didn't wash my hands.
I didn't wash my hands. Cool fish.
It's a goldfish.
But it's blue.
It's getting pretty late, guys.
All right, man, Sal man.
I love the baby.
I love it.
Funny. I mean, come on. This is.
This is great.
You really got something-I
need to go to bed.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Goodnight.
I love that kid,
but I love you more.
I'm gonna go do the dishes.
Sal you don't have to.
No, you've got an early morning.
I want to.
Now
its been 10,000 years
man has cried a million tears
In the year 2525
if man can survive
and woman is still alive
They may fall in love.
I hate that song.
Why? It's about like robots and
time travel & the future and stuff.
Cmon that's stuff's pretty awesome.
What's wrong?
Just thinking, About your mom?
It's just when you come home
dressed in a diaper, I think she judges us.
Yeah. Probably.
Doesn't that bug you?
I mean,
I think Rae's really fun and interesting,
but she can be a bit much
sometimes, you know?
Yeah.
She's like a kid. Exactly.
Exactly. And you and I are grown ups.
We're not really talking about Rae, are we?
No, we're not.
Sal do you remember how we met?
Of course I do.
You were the only person
who laughed at my old jokes.
Remember that one about the doctor?
He told me I need to lose weight.
I said, I want a second opinion.
And he said, Get a haircut too.
My mom doesn't respect
you, you know? I mean...
Yeah and I didn't go to college, and I'm
a trust fund baby living on Baba's money.
No, your mom respects me.
She said I have a Marlon Brando quality.
No, she said you had a
Stanley Kowalski quality.
Think maybe
a little canoodle will
take your mind off things.
I'm fine Sal Im just not in the mood
You ever think about seeing
one of those therapists?
God, no.
I can't talk to a stranger about...
you know.
Well we cant make a baby without you know.
I know.
Sal.
And you know I don't want a baby.
I know.
I don't have time.
I need to focus on my career.
I just don't want
children.
Hormones hold the secret to life itself.
And I've always considered
Howard Endocrinitics to be a family
business.
Oh, dear.
I don't understand why the testosterone
won't fix I'm doing everything right.
Testosterone is a tricky thing.
We're going to have to bring in
someone from the outside to help you.
Are you serious Mother?
You always do this.
I don't need help.
No, thank you. Thank you.
You've been great. Goodnight!
He was trying to teach this
monkey how to play baseball.
It woulda worked man.
That thing with smart. You know,
we should talk about doing a show.
It's a crazy idea.
Yeah? -Risky.
I could actually get fired pitching
something like that to my bosses.
But in today's cable
market, you got to take risks.
Wow. Thatd like. Yeah.
When I was a kid I always wanted
to be on the Jerry Langford show.
That's old school, Sal. Reality TV.
Well, Sal's got the cash
to get started, don't ya?
Even though it's reality, though,
you still need a strong story.
What a guy in a diaper telling
jokes isn't good enough for you?
Aren't you going to get changed?
I am getting a little
comfortable in these huggies.
I'll be right back.
Whoa.
She wants to turn the
man baby into a TV show on
Are you ready for this?
The Comedy Channel. What?
Yeah. Anyway, call me
back when you get a chance.
Love you. Bye.
You're welcome.
So now that you have
your Comedy Channel show,
how about some guest stars?
And. What are you doing Sandy?
It's Circe now. -Okay.
I'm just trying to show you some awesome
ideas for your new comedy channel show.
Yeah
We're friends.
Let's just be friends.
Wow. Sal.
You really know how
to play hard to get, huh?
Want to know what I really want to play?
What?
Pinball!
Yes!
Sals always late.
Im sure its nothing.
Oh God. Hey. Im sorry. I am so sorry.
Stuck in the traffic on the 73.
It's just.
Hey, hi, hey. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
So let's just
start by you guys telling me a
little bit about why you're here.
Why don't we go
ladies first. Dana, do you want to start?
Oh, okay.
Um, so. Im uh-
I think it's pretty clear why we're here.
I mean, I know why we're here. -You do?
Yeah. I think she knows why we're here.
Yeah. I think she knows why we're here.
I-
Well?
I don't want children.
And you?
I want gobs of children.
Mmm.
All right, I got it.
I got it.
So, basically, you
disagree on having children,
and you should have never gotten married.
Is that it?
Yeah.
That doc's a quack.
Hypnotherapy.
Got to be kidding me.
You okay? No.
No.
Your mother tells me
you're having a problem.
I'm Michael.
I'm Dana.
Hello.
You're acquainted, I
assume, with my research
for testosterone study and
aromatase bonding?
You know, when I'm having
problems with an experiment,
I like to get outside of it.
Go for a run.
Go to the gym.
Do you lift weights?
Oh, no.
You're probably afraid of bulking up.
That's a dangerous myth.
It won't happen.
Your female hormones won't allow it.
Hormones, Dana.
We're working
with hormones.
Ah ah ha. There. Much better.
I swear I've been feeding him.
He was just too beautiful for this world.
I've been dissecting
this protein for my mom,
and I have to do it by Friday,
or she's gonna freak out.
I might have
I might have gotten a
little caught up in my work,
and I may have forgotten to feed it.
But Im really sorry.
It?
He had a name, Dana.
And it was Asa junior.
Like my Baba!
I know. Okay.
It's my fault.
Look I-
I know why we got the fish, okay?
And I don't-
I don't like it.
I'm not playing games anymore.
Playing what game?
I want a divorce.
[CRYING
Man!
That... that..
That is heavy, man.
I'll never even get to have a family.
Whatever, man. Bro.
I keep telling you, babies are overrated.
I mean, sure,
they're fun to hold for a minute, but
then they start pooping on everything.
They're pooping on you and pooping
on the walls and the crying is the worst.
Why do you keep bringing this up?
Babies do not poop on walls
they poop in diapers.
We can talk about this till we're both old
and gray, Sal it's not gonna change.
I can't picture myself changing diapers
and playing peekaboo and patty cakes.
I'm not a Mommy!
Show.
Show her.
Sandy, I need your help.
What?
Dana and I are going to get divorced
unless I can show her
how great it is to be a mom.
What?
I'm going to pretend like
I've become a real baby
so that she has to take care of me.
She's going to realize
she loves being a mommy.
I turn back into Sal. We
start a family. Badabing!
This is the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
I'm offended that you would even
ask me to do something this stupid.
I'll give you ten grand.
Five now. Five more when we're done.
My door is open.
Hey. The door was open.
I need your help.
Sal...
The idea is crazy, but I
think it's going to work.
She's going to leave me, Sandy.
Can't let that happen. - Please.
Listen.
You've always...
Please.
I want to be called Circe now.
Respect my wishes, Sal.
Fine.
Circe, I love her.
Sal, did you ever think that maybe she
just married you because of your money?
What?
That's a terrible thing to say.
Of course. She loves me.
I know that you can do this.
Baba's Bean & Berry Butter Cream Bonanza!
Thanks for letting me cook for you tonight.
I really like doing it.
Yeah, well, we should probably get to it.
I mean, I don't want to go to
court or anything, so let's just...
You know when I was cooking tonight.
Really got me thinking about Baba.
He had a lot of crazy girlfriends.
You probably knew that.
He had
this one crazy girlfriend who
was crazier than all of them.
See, she had this nasty habit of
cutting things off whenever she caught
cheating on her.
Which was a lot.
Anyway, first time she cut off his beard.
But, you know, beards grow back.
And the second time, she cut off his arms.
Is this a joke?
I probably should've mentioned
that this chicks, a witch...
Yeah its kind of important to the story.
So she made this potion
that grew his arms back,
and then he cheated on her
again and she cut off his balls.
I mean, not not really.
It was a potion again.
And it made him impotent forever.
And then, you know, the rest of the story.
He invested in birth control.
He spent the rest of his life trying to
get his balls back on unsuccessfully.
And in conclusion, he died
sad and alone.
So...
you sure you want a divorce?
It's really over.
Okay.
Really?
It's not that I don't love
you Sal.
I'm really sorry.
I'm not sorry.
You know the whole story about Baba
part of the reason why I told that was
well, you remember
my old girlfriend, Sandy?
Well, she goes by Circe now.
The reason why I bring her
up is that she's also a witch,
and she brewed me a love potion.
A love potion?
Thing about magic is it's awful tricky.
What is that?
It's not like you just
drink this potion and bang
you're in love with me.
This is a potion that I drink.
If this is your way of
trying to prove something.
This is not the way to do it.
Ok?
Sal don't-This isn't poison.
It's magic.
-Sal!
Sal?
What was in that?
Magic.
Sal! What are you doing? Sal?
Stop it!
Cut it out Sal.
Seriously. Cut it out.
You are going to wake the neighbors!
Snap out of it!
Okay! Snap out of it!
Ok. I get it.
It's so sad!
But crying is not going to solve
anything
so we're going to talk like adults ok?
Fine!
What did you give my husband, Sandy?
I assume you're referring to the
love potion I gave your husband.
It reveals a person's
true nature when taken.
True nature?
He's acting super weird now.
He's acting like a real baby.
Oh, yes.
Yes. Look at the keys.
Cmon. Yes.
So what did you give him?
Oh. Yeah.
It's a magic potion.
It reveals true nature... his inner being,
and it looks like Sal's
true nature is a... baby.
Isn't that awesome?
Are you laughing?
I mean, he's retarded because of you.
That's a very harsh word, Dana.
He's not impaired.
He's just.
He's just a baby.
Oh again?
I'm sorry, Sal.
I'm sorry.
You were having fun with these.
You have to keep babies occupied.
He's not a baby.
He's a...
Did he just poop his pants???
No no no. tub first than pants
Cmon Sal are you kidding me?
Oh God!
Well, you're going to need
to give him a diaper.
He already has one.
He does?
For his act.
No, no. You need a real one. Like.
Like Depends for old people.
So when does this spell wear off?
It's not a spell.
And I don't know, really.
I mean, I guess it makes sense
that his act is a baby and
that would be his true nature.
Circe please.
I'm a scientist.
You know, speaking of
which, I got to go to work.
You should let me watch him.
I watch my kid sisters all the time.
He's not a child, though.
He's a grown man who is
having a psychotic episode.
Well, either way, you need
someone to stay here with him.
I'll work for minimum wage.
Okay, fine.
But don't smoke in the house, okay?
Okay.
Can I use your computer?
Yeah, but don't Google anything weird.
Witchcraft
to the ignorant.
Simple science.
To the learned.
Testosterone.
Fixed.
I know. I know.
Sorry I'm late.
So nice of you to join us, Dr. Howard
II had a difficult morning.
Everything okay?
I just.
I just need to get to work.
So no change?
You know Sal never had a mother growing up.
I mean, he had his Baba
and his Baba's girlfriends, but.
Sorry.
You probably know all the stories.
Wait-ah-dont do that. Sal!
You're going to have to get him
some real toys. Keep him occupied.
He doesn't need toys.
This is clearly something psychological.
We're getting a divorce.
Did he tell you that?
He might have mentioned something?
Has he eaten?
No.
I don't know.
If I know, Sal.
That is a hungry whine.
He doesn't like it, Dana.
Here.
Babies don't eat donuts.
Fine.
Thank you for watching him, though.
Stop!
It's funny.
I was always trying to
get him to eat healthier.
And now he's got no choice.
I don't know. I mean, maybe I should take
him to the doctor or back to the therapist.
I don't think that's a good idea.
It's a hard to reconcile Western
science with shamanism.
Classical shamanism supports the
idea that there is one world in which
we live our daily lives
and an entirely different
one underneath the surface.
Could you just please
bring me whatever was in
that bottle?
Look at those buns.
Mom!
Is it Sal's fault, as usual?
What?
Now, does he have some health issue?
You didn't tell me about?
Mother I have no idea
what you're talking about.
You know very well what I'm talking about.
No, I don't. Mom.
Please Doctor Howard in the office.
Dr. Howard, I want to
know what the plan is...
Are you going to procreate
with the comic or not?
You don't have to.
Say it like that.
Quite honestly,
Sal and I have been having some problems.
Oh?
Yeah.
If your pop's was alive.
I just wish your father was still here.
That's all I do too.
-I do too.
He wouldn't have approved of Sal.
No, he wouldn't have.
Mom. Okay, Um.
The fact is, Sal and I
are getting a divorce.
You are?
Mom!
Dana.
Michael over there talks
about you constantly.
Now, don't blow
this Baby.
What did you do?
God, it looks like a nightmare in here.
What were you thinking?
This isn't a game.
That's really harsh, Dana.
Look how happy he is.
Where did you even get all of this?
I made it, you know.
I mean, some of it I ordered online.
Oh Sal.
You know, you're a good mommy.
He is not a baby!
Okay. He is a grown man
who is clearly having a
psychotic break with reality.
You are just confusing him!
Sal...
why don't you just go to sleep, okay?
You'll feel better
in the morning.
You know he might start
acting like a grown up
if you start treating him like one.
No coffee?
No more bonnets okay?
I'll be back later.
You know, you're
a good mommy.
I'll be back at 5:30.
So your whole family are scientists?
Well, my pops started this lab for
the government during the Cold War.
Fascinating.
Really?
You must have wonderful genes.
I don't know. Maybe.
Well.
We have a heck of a day ahead of us,
so I'd like to get started.
You wanna try?
Come on, come on, come on,
come on.
Peekaboo.
Okay.
Little bit more enthusiasm.
Peekaboo.
Okay!!!
One more time.
Peekaboo!
That is good.
Peekaboo!
That scared me!
Peekaboo.
Peekaboo.
Peekaboo.
I'll see you at 5:30.
I love you.
It's working.
So how long do we have to do this?
Um, just like a week maybe. It's working.
I just want Dana to realize that
she's going to be a great mom. Okay?
Like I said, Sandy, like another week.
That's it.
Where are you going?
To the can.
Babies go in their diapers.
Seriously?
And my name is Circe.
Dana gets it right. Every. Time.
This is so messed up.
I don't even know why
I'm helping you anymore.
Because everybody loves a baby.
He's starting to blow raspberries now.
Raspberries?
Yeah, like...
And he loves it when
you do this
So cute.
Yeah.
Dana, there's
something I want to talk to you about
Michael?
I know this is terribly intrusive of me,
but I was just in the
neighborhood and thought Id-
Waah! Waah!
What's that noise?
Um Sal and I are babysitting for a friend.
Of course.
Waaah!
I think that's
that's why I'm so distracted lately.
I don't want to be offensive,
but that baby sounds, well,
downright demented.
Who is that guy?
I don't know.
Um. you should probably go.
You want me to go because of
the way you feel about me, right?
I don't know.
Hmm. Mm
hmm. Hmm hmm.
Mmm. Mmm mmm.
Oh.
You need to go!
You're weird Dana!
I'm going to figure you out.
So who was that?
He's just this guy from work.
I guess he likes me.
Wow.
I should go to bed.
Hi.
Good night.
-Good night.
What are you doing?
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
- No, it's okay.
I totally understand
Its just that I-
I really need to talk to you.
Um.
I love Sal.
He's an awesome guy, but
I kind of got in this for the money.
What money?
The money I'm giving you to babysit?
Oh no. I feel like we've really bonded.
God, I feel like that, too.
I mean,
yeah, I know that you were the one
that technically gave him the potion, but-
No no no there's no potion... it's
all a farce.
It's all a farce.
There's no magic potion,
no mental breakdown.
He's showing you what
it's like to be a mommy.
And hoping that you'd
love it and change your mind
about everything.
I'm sorry.
Hmmph!
Oh is baby
having trouble sleeping? Oh.
Oh, baby.
Doesn't look so well.
I think baby needs
his temperature taken.
Now this may hurt a little bit.
We should probably leave it
in for a few hours... No?
I was just
I know what will
make that feel better
Stop!
Ow! Dana that
really hurt!
You're acting?
No. I mean, you were enjoying this.
I was just trying to-
You stay out of it!
I want you out of this house
tonight.
Here comes the airplane...
vroom... vroom..
Cmon buddy. It needs a place to land.
You know Sal youre not going to be
the funny fat guy if you keep this up.
I don't wanna be funny anymore.
All right. All right.
That's cool, man.
Hey, man, you stay here
as long as you want, all right?
Okay.
You know what they say.
Me casa you casa right?
I got a great idea.
YouTube videos, man.
Looka this
This is going to cheer you
up like you won't even believe.
Look, there's this one's really funny.
Cat in a sink...
Oh, and then there's a new cat in a box.
That was really, really funny.
Oh, these are so funny.
Oh, watch this one. This cat
knocking things off dresser.
That's a really good one.
Oh, and then there's this one right here
where you won't even believe this is crazy.
This cat hes chasing
this dog around and...
Where you going?
I have a confession to make.
Yeah?
It was your mother who told me to
keep working my charms on you.
Right.
After that night we kissed,
I thought all hope was lost.
I know what your mother's thinks, but
what do you think?
I think I-
I love your muscles.
Would you like to see them
dance?
You know,
the ancient Greeks believed a large
penis was grotesque and comical.
Their ideal was a small but
beautiful penis.
Not true.
Why would I lie?
Ooh!
Oh. Oh. Oh!
Yes! Yes!
You remind me of something.
I just don't know what.
Uhhhh
Do you have the results for 305?
Oh. Not yet.
I'm just working on something else.
Listen, I, uh.
I respect that you wanna take things slow.
Thanks.
Um. You know, I've actually
been thinking a lot about Sal lately.
You have?
Um..
Actually, I think we should
just keep things casual.
Okay?
Sure.
I-uh-
Yeah.
What do we have here?
I know this guy. He's in the freak show.
Tell me a joke!
What you drinkin', Tubby?
It's a 2008 Krug.
Very dry. Ooh.
Night night!
Get a haircut!
This is the worst production of Grease
I've ever seen.
How are things going on the 305 test?
Michael said you had some secret project.
I know you don't keep secrets from me.
It's not a secret.
It's just an experiment.
It's just highly unethical.
Unethical?
I don't believe that for a second.
Listen, Mother, I know Michael
He's very smart, but I'm not
interested in a relationship right now.
You jumped right into the whole
marriage thing with the manbaby.
Look, I need to concentrate
on my work, okay?
And Michael is a part of that, isn't he?
Of course.
Well, I need to go.
I love you.
I expect your report tomorrow morning.
Don't be late.
I didn't know where else to go.
They were wearing leather jackets.
Maybe the hospital.
Ive had too much to drink.
I can tell.
I dont think you're too bad.
Do you feel dizzy? - No.
It's kind of funny.
I was actually just thinking about you.
Oh yeah? Ouch!
Don't be such a-
Maybe you should go.
Okay.
Wait. Sal
you're an amazing guy.
I never told you that enough.
I want you back. Sal
Oh, yeah?
But. But not...
not as my husband.
Oh, no?
-Aren't you precious all powdered?
Gaga.
Now we're all diapered up
And I'm going to get your bottle.
I don't know, Dana.
You really think this is sexy?
Babies Don't talk Sal. -That's right.
Goo goo Gaa gaa
waa waa waa.
Is there something wrong with me?
Of course not.
No, I think I think there's
there's something wrong with me.
Don't say that.
Come on.
We're just tryin a little slap and tickle.
You know?
Yknow I'm still mad at you.
And that's okay.
If you want to pinch the pot
whatever gets you off baby.
Gah! Don't call me that!
What? I-
Okay, listen, Dana, I just.
Now I thought maybe... Yknow it's time,
for your bottle.
Your baby was for entertainment,
Sal, mine's going to be science.
Hey, I thought you were really mad at me.
What's up?
I'm not mad at you.
In fact, I need your help.
You're the only person I trust.
Oh. Wow
Someone needs his diaper changed
And look, it's your old babysitter.
She's come here to play with you.
What's going on?
It's what we both wanted.
All three of us.
Okay, Sal-You know,
I've been working on this,
you know, speculative, hypothetical serum.
And I didn't think it would work
But it did.
It did!
And now he's a baby!
I don't know what you're talking about,
but I think it's against the law.
Like against the real law of nature.
But we prefer this.
You're telling me that he wants this?
He asked for it.
Lets go talk in the living room.
So is it permanent?
Well, you know,
hormones are a tricky thing.
If he stops taking the serum
in the bottle, then eventually
his hormones will even out.
I mean, I don't know much about
science, but that doesn't sound safe.
There's some risk. Yes.
But, you know, there's risk in smoking pot,
having sex or driving on the freeway.
I'm sorry, Dana.
I just.
I don't think I can be down with this.
I don't want to sound too
mercenary here or anything, but
we do have Sal's trust fund.
Wow.
And he wants that.
He wants this, right?
Yes. Yeah.
This is how he wants to live his life.
Okay.
But what do you want from me in all this?
I don't know. I-
I just felt like we were-
Family?
Good night, my baby.
Goodnight my other baby.
Goodnight Sal.
Michael?
Yes. Yes.
Gotta go.
[SNORING
Hey Sal...
Hey Dana.
Rae whats up? -Hey
Um. So hey have you like...
Have you seen Sal lately?
No. No why?
Oh, really?
Well, I think he's.
He's, like, missing or something.
He won't return my phone calls or
anything, which is weird, you know?
And I was just wondering if
you knew anything, That's all.
No, I don't.
Sorry. -Huh.
What about Sandy or, you know, Circe or.
You know, you know.
I mean, you seen her right? -No no, sorry.
I mean.
He's supposed to be staying with me, right?
You know, we're bros you know?
I mean, you know, he's
my family now, you know?
And and, you know, then he was
all like, I don't want to bother you.
And I was like, hey, man, it's no bother,
you know, because, you know, I live
Alone.
You know, by myself, you know, all alone.
Well, I haven't seen him so...
You know, can I? Can I?
Can I come in?
I gotta drop a deuce.
Oh, I, I actually have guests right
now that's not such a good idea.
Okay. All right, I get it.
You don't want some strange
chick pooping in your bathroom.
I get it. Oh, man.
This one time, I let this guy
come and use my bathroom right?
And he didn't even have to go, right?
I mean, he.
He just wanted to come in and
steal... Oh yeah you you need to go.
I'm sorry. -Okay. Okay.
But I will let you know if I hear anything.
I will call you.
You call me? - I will call you. Okay.
Right, right on. You call me. All right.
So if you hear from Sal, you'll call.
Totally Great great I will call you.
And if you hear from
Sandy, you know, just call me.
Sounds Good. Okay. Okay.
And, you know, even if you're bored and
you want to hang out, just give me a call.
You know, I'm not doing nothing.
- Okay okay thanks.
Call me any time. -Okay.
Just call.
All right.
All right. Nice talking to you.
Goodnight! call me?
Is she still here?
She's leaving.
I think she's just worried about Sal.
You should just tell her.
We should. We should leave town.
What?
This is a small town.
She should leave the country. -With Sal?
We could go to Mexico. Or-isn't
that what people in this situation do?
We're outlaws.
Wait Dana... what do you mean, outlaws?
Oh, I guess I just mean
that people won't understand.
You know?
No but why outlaws?
You said that Sal wanted this. So
why don't we just sober him up
long enough to get him on a plane?
Yeah, um we can't do that.
Why not?
Okay, um
Circe the truth is that um
Sal didn't.
He didn't exact exactly ask to be changed.
I mean, in so many words.
In so many words?
Did he
or didn't he ask?
No.
Surprise!
Hey, hey stranger.
Where you been? -Mom!
You brought, Michael.
And Father Murphy.
You think she was using her
maternity leave with the days she was
taking off lately.
Circe! We have company.
I didn't think you'd mind.
It's been, what, two
weeks since I've seen you?
Mother, not my mother.
Dana's Mother, you are beautiful.
Just like Dana.
Now, what's going on
with these boxes and toys?
We are.
There was a -The garage cleaning.
We?
Now you both live here?
Yeah. -No.
I mean. Yes.
I mean. Have a seat.
Sit down. Please.
What is that noise?
I was. I was watching videos, and
I must have left the computer on so
I will go handle this.
Are you sure? -Yep Let me handle it.
Go. Ok.
Stop.
I know that voice.
That's no virus video.
I think you mean viral video Mother.
I can hear him.
That's Sal!
What the hell is this?
If this is a bad time,
Doctor We can visit later.
No, Father.
It's just her ex-husband.
Always playing jokes.
So wheres the girl?
What girl? -Your friend.
I don't know.
Look, I don't know if he's
playing jokes or not, but
I don't get it.
I have a bottle of wine in the car.
Let's open it shall we?
Wine is proof God loves us.
Ah Michael Carmichael
You are quite the charmer.
Not like the Joker.
Comic!
Covered in tattoos like
Bradbury's illustrated man!
Shh. Shh.
Where is he?
We're at my place downtown.
Listen, I didn't feed Sal today.
What?
You lied to me, Dana.
You can't force him to be a baby.
He can't just go cold turkey.
Circe those are powerful hormones
If he just stops taking them.
There will be side effects!
Cmon you little fool...
Cmon are you back?
She was such a great
performer.
Remember when you were in that
performance of Grease in middle school
giving all those hand jobs?
I think you mean hand jives Dr. Howard
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Oh my god!
Ok Circe Cersei, whoever you are, drop him.
Sal you're coming home with me.
Okay little buddy its okay.
Sorry, bro.
We'll get this all figured out soon.
I think you should all go.
Go? Just like that?
Oh, my God.
Found him.
You know, I figured you were looking
for him, too, so I brought him home.
What are you talking about?
We're divorced.
Why would you bring him here?
Oh, well, I guess we'll just
have to let him tell you then, huh?
No, I don't think that's such a good idea.
Why not Dana?
Why is that young man gagged?
Baby, what's the meaning of all this?
Don't call me, baby.
Dana what is that smell?
He went to the bathroom.
Who?
The overgrown larvae in the diaper?
This is preposterous, Dana.
Why are you entertaining these freaks?
I'm calling the police. -No. Mom!
Oh, no.
Arrrr...
-Wait!
Ohhhh. Ohhh.
Man Dana?
We have to get
...we'll take my car.
I mean. I was just trying to take him home.
I know. I know.
I can't believe
that man went
to the bathroom
in that diaper.
I feel sick.
Don't look at me man.
It's not my poo.
Why dont you help me out?
Give me something.
Dont you have something to wear in here?
I don't know
check the floor.
Sandy, you gotta help me.
Wahh!
Sal...
Dana, you stay back with that thing.
You just need to take a
little drink of the formula.
And you'll be good as new.
You have a lot of powerful hormones,
and you're not thinking straight.
You're not thinking straight.
Look, I love you, Dana, but I'll do it.
Dana?!?
Me? Your darling?
The light of your life.
Your one true love.
She's high on ludes.
Dana.
All right.
Who needs a ride home?
Excuse me.
Are you her husband?
Um. Sort of.
I mean, like I was, and now I'm not.
There's paperwork and stuff.
I think she'll be fine
as long as she stops playing with
whatever drugs you kids are playing with.
She can't do that anymore.
She's pregnant.
Pregnant?
Pregnant.
Sorry, you have to hear it this way,
but it's why she's been feeling sick.
I now pronounce you
husband
and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
You have to wear your gloves,
Grandma.
Hey its MANBABY
Hey let me tell you its tough out there.
It's tough I say... try getting
a job dressed like this!
Hey try getting a girlfriend!
Hiii ooh!
I want my baba! Waa!
Do you remember him?
-I want my baba waa!
-I want my baba waa!
No.
-I want my baba waa!
I really appreciate you doing this
I have my own life now yknow.
I got kids I got work,
and this is just such a long
drive out here.
She has good days
and she has bad days.
What about my baba?
You remember that guy?
No.
I remember the women who built this house.
Oh, we used to laugh
but we didn't laugh like
laugh.
It's a farce...
It's show time, folks
Put your hands together for
the ugliest baby in America.
His jokes stink worse than his diapers.
He's one bad baby.
But don't spank him.
He might like it.
Here he is... MANBABY
Yeah!
I love this crowd!
Life y'know It's not fair.
Look at me.
I didn't even get to dress myself today,
The other day, I told my mom
I wanted some breast milk.
She said she just wanted to be friends.
Life you know, it's just not fair, babies
We're always getting the bum rap.
All right, hold on.
Bathroom break!
This baby needs a change... Hey,
Hey! I was born yesterday.
Someone asked my wife what
she likes in a guy like me, she said.
Depends!
Any ladies want to be My breast friend?
Take ya back to my crib.
We'll party into the wee wee hours.
Cause everybody loves a
baby babies make the world smile.
Waa waa waa, I want my Baba!
Goodnight your Holiness
That was great...
Better out than in I always say,
but when you gotta drop a
deuce, you got to drop a deuce.
You know what I'm saying, bro?
I do RAE: I didn't wash my hands.
I didn't wash my hands. Cool fish.
It's a goldfish.
But it's blue.
It's getting pretty late, guys.
All right, man, Sal man.
I love the baby.
I love it.
Funny. I mean, come on. This is.
This is great.
You really got something-I
need to go to bed.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Goodnight.
I love that kid,
but I love you more.
I'm gonna go do the dishes.
Sal you don't have to.
No, you've got an early morning.
I want to.
Now
its been 10,000 years
man has cried a million tears
In the year 2525
if man can survive
and woman is still alive
They may fall in love.
I hate that song.
Why? It's about like robots and
time travel & the future and stuff.
Cmon that's stuff's pretty awesome.
What's wrong?
Just thinking, About your mom?
It's just when you come home
dressed in a diaper, I think she judges us.
Yeah. Probably.
Doesn't that bug you?
I mean,
I think Rae's really fun and interesting,
but she can be a bit much
sometimes, you know?
Yeah.
She's like a kid. Exactly.
Exactly. And you and I are grown ups.
We're not really talking about Rae, are we?
No, we're not.
Sal do you remember how we met?
Of course I do.
You were the only person
who laughed at my old jokes.
Remember that one about the doctor?
He told me I need to lose weight.
I said, I want a second opinion.
And he said, Get a haircut too.
My mom doesn't respect
you, you know? I mean...
Yeah and I didn't go to college, and I'm
a trust fund baby living on Baba's money.
No, your mom respects me.
She said I have a Marlon Brando quality.
No, she said you had a
Stanley Kowalski quality.
Think maybe
a little canoodle will
take your mind off things.
I'm fine Sal Im just not in the mood
You ever think about seeing
one of those therapists?
God, no.
I can't talk to a stranger about...
you know.
Well we cant make a baby without you know.
I know.
Sal.
And you know I don't want a baby.
I know.
I don't have time.
I need to focus on my career.
I just don't want
children.
Hormones hold the secret to life itself.
And I've always considered
Howard Endocrinitics to be a family
business.
Oh, dear.
I don't understand why the testosterone
won't fix I'm doing everything right.
Testosterone is a tricky thing.
We're going to have to bring in
someone from the outside to help you.
Are you serious Mother?
You always do this.
I don't need help.
No, thank you. Thank you.
You've been great. Goodnight!
He was trying to teach this
monkey how to play baseball.
It woulda worked man.
That thing with smart. You know,
we should talk about doing a show.
It's a crazy idea.
Yeah? -Risky.
I could actually get fired pitching
something like that to my bosses.
But in today's cable
market, you got to take risks.
Wow. Thatd like. Yeah.
When I was a kid I always wanted
to be on the Jerry Langford show.
That's old school, Sal. Reality TV.
Well, Sal's got the cash
to get started, don't ya?
Even though it's reality, though,
you still need a strong story.
What a guy in a diaper telling
jokes isn't good enough for you?
Aren't you going to get changed?
I am getting a little
comfortable in these huggies.
I'll be right back.
Whoa.
She wants to turn the
man baby into a TV show on
Are you ready for this?
The Comedy Channel. What?
Yeah. Anyway, call me
back when you get a chance.
Love you. Bye.
You're welcome.
So now that you have
your Comedy Channel show,
how about some guest stars?
And. What are you doing Sandy?
It's Circe now. -Okay.
I'm just trying to show you some awesome
ideas for your new comedy channel show.
Yeah
We're friends.
Let's just be friends.
Wow. Sal.
You really know how
to play hard to get, huh?
Want to know what I really want to play?
What?
Pinball!
Yes!
Sals always late.
Im sure its nothing.
Oh God. Hey. Im sorry. I am so sorry.
Stuck in the traffic on the 73.
It's just.
Hey, hi, hey. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
So let's just
start by you guys telling me a
little bit about why you're here.
Why don't we go
ladies first. Dana, do you want to start?
Oh, okay.
Um, so. Im uh-
I think it's pretty clear why we're here.
I mean, I know why we're here. -You do?
Yeah. I think she knows why we're here.
Yeah. I think she knows why we're here.
I-
Well?
I don't want children.
And you?
I want gobs of children.
Mmm.
All right, I got it.
I got it.
So, basically, you
disagree on having children,
and you should have never gotten married.
Is that it?
Yeah.
That doc's a quack.
Hypnotherapy.
Got to be kidding me.
You okay? No.
No.
Your mother tells me
you're having a problem.
I'm Michael.
I'm Dana.
Hello.
You're acquainted, I
assume, with my research
for testosterone study and
aromatase bonding?
You know, when I'm having
problems with an experiment,
I like to get outside of it.
Go for a run.
Go to the gym.
Do you lift weights?
Oh, no.
You're probably afraid of bulking up.
That's a dangerous myth.
It won't happen.
Your female hormones won't allow it.
Hormones, Dana.
We're working
with hormones.
Ah ah ha. There. Much better.
I swear I've been feeding him.
He was just too beautiful for this world.
I've been dissecting
this protein for my mom,
and I have to do it by Friday,
or she's gonna freak out.
I might have
I might have gotten a
little caught up in my work,
and I may have forgotten to feed it.
But Im really sorry.
It?
He had a name, Dana.
And it was Asa junior.
Like my Baba!
I know. Okay.
It's my fault.
Look I-
I know why we got the fish, okay?
And I don't-
I don't like it.
I'm not playing games anymore.
Playing what game?
I want a divorce.
[CRYING
Man!
That... that..
That is heavy, man.
I'll never even get to have a family.
Whatever, man. Bro.
I keep telling you, babies are overrated.
I mean, sure,
they're fun to hold for a minute, but
then they start pooping on everything.
They're pooping on you and pooping
on the walls and the crying is the worst.
Why do you keep bringing this up?
Babies do not poop on walls
they poop in diapers.
We can talk about this till we're both old
and gray, Sal it's not gonna change.
I can't picture myself changing diapers
and playing peekaboo and patty cakes.
I'm not a Mommy!
Show.
Show her.
Sandy, I need your help.
What?
Dana and I are going to get divorced
unless I can show her
how great it is to be a mom.
What?
I'm going to pretend like
I've become a real baby
so that she has to take care of me.
She's going to realize
she loves being a mommy.
I turn back into Sal. We
start a family. Badabing!
This is the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
I'm offended that you would even
ask me to do something this stupid.
I'll give you ten grand.
Five now. Five more when we're done.
My door is open.
Hey. The door was open.
I need your help.
Sal...
The idea is crazy, but I
think it's going to work.
She's going to leave me, Sandy.
Can't let that happen. - Please.
Listen.
You've always...
Please.
I want to be called Circe now.
Respect my wishes, Sal.
Fine.
Circe, I love her.
Sal, did you ever think that maybe she
just married you because of your money?
What?
That's a terrible thing to say.
Of course. She loves me.
I know that you can do this.
Baba's Bean & Berry Butter Cream Bonanza!
Thanks for letting me cook for you tonight.
I really like doing it.
Yeah, well, we should probably get to it.
I mean, I don't want to go to
court or anything, so let's just...
You know when I was cooking tonight.
Really got me thinking about Baba.
He had a lot of crazy girlfriends.
You probably knew that.
He had
this one crazy girlfriend who
was crazier than all of them.
See, she had this nasty habit of
cutting things off whenever she caught
cheating on her.
Which was a lot.
Anyway, first time she cut off his beard.
But, you know, beards grow back.
And the second time, she cut off his arms.
Is this a joke?
I probably should've mentioned
that this chicks, a witch...
Yeah its kind of important to the story.
So she made this potion
that grew his arms back,
and then he cheated on her
again and she cut off his balls.
I mean, not not really.
It was a potion again.
And it made him impotent forever.
And then, you know, the rest of the story.
He invested in birth control.
He spent the rest of his life trying to
get his balls back on unsuccessfully.
And in conclusion, he died
sad and alone.
So...
you sure you want a divorce?
It's really over.
Okay.
Really?
It's not that I don't love
you Sal.
I'm really sorry.
I'm not sorry.
You know the whole story about Baba
part of the reason why I told that was
well, you remember
my old girlfriend, Sandy?
Well, she goes by Circe now.
The reason why I bring her
up is that she's also a witch,
and she brewed me a love potion.
A love potion?
Thing about magic is it's awful tricky.
What is that?
It's not like you just
drink this potion and bang
you're in love with me.
This is a potion that I drink.
If this is your way of
trying to prove something.
This is not the way to do it.
Ok?
Sal don't-This isn't poison.
It's magic.
-Sal!
Sal?
What was in that?
Magic.
Sal! What are you doing? Sal?
Stop it!
Cut it out Sal.
Seriously. Cut it out.
You are going to wake the neighbors!
Snap out of it!
Okay! Snap out of it!
Ok. I get it.
It's so sad!
But crying is not going to solve
anything
so we're going to talk like adults ok?
Fine!
What did you give my husband, Sandy?
I assume you're referring to the
love potion I gave your husband.
It reveals a person's
true nature when taken.
True nature?
He's acting super weird now.
He's acting like a real baby.
Oh, yes.
Yes. Look at the keys.
Cmon. Yes.
So what did you give him?
Oh. Yeah.
It's a magic potion.
It reveals true nature... his inner being,
and it looks like Sal's
true nature is a... baby.
Isn't that awesome?
Are you laughing?
I mean, he's retarded because of you.
That's a very harsh word, Dana.
He's not impaired.
He's just.
He's just a baby.
Oh again?
I'm sorry, Sal.
I'm sorry.
You were having fun with these.
You have to keep babies occupied.
He's not a baby.
He's a...
Did he just poop his pants???
No no no. tub first than pants
Cmon Sal are you kidding me?
Oh God!
Well, you're going to need
to give him a diaper.
He already has one.
He does?
For his act.
No, no. You need a real one. Like.
Like Depends for old people.
So when does this spell wear off?
It's not a spell.
And I don't know, really.
I mean, I guess it makes sense
that his act is a baby and
that would be his true nature.
Circe please.
I'm a scientist.
You know, speaking of
which, I got to go to work.
You should let me watch him.
I watch my kid sisters all the time.
He's not a child, though.
He's a grown man who is
having a psychotic episode.
Well, either way, you need
someone to stay here with him.
I'll work for minimum wage.
Okay, fine.
But don't smoke in the house, okay?
Okay.
Can I use your computer?
Yeah, but don't Google anything weird.
Witchcraft
to the ignorant.
Simple science.
To the learned.
Testosterone.
Fixed.
I know. I know.
Sorry I'm late.
So nice of you to join us, Dr. Howard
II had a difficult morning.
Everything okay?
I just.
I just need to get to work.
So no change?
You know Sal never had a mother growing up.
I mean, he had his Baba
and his Baba's girlfriends, but.
Sorry.
You probably know all the stories.
Wait-ah-dont do that. Sal!
You're going to have to get him
some real toys. Keep him occupied.
He doesn't need toys.
This is clearly something psychological.
We're getting a divorce.
Did he tell you that?
He might have mentioned something?
Has he eaten?
No.
I don't know.
If I know, Sal.
That is a hungry whine.
He doesn't like it, Dana.
Here.
Babies don't eat donuts.
Fine.
Thank you for watching him, though.
Stop!
It's funny.
I was always trying to
get him to eat healthier.
And now he's got no choice.
I don't know. I mean, maybe I should take
him to the doctor or back to the therapist.
I don't think that's a good idea.
It's a hard to reconcile Western
science with shamanism.
Classical shamanism supports the
idea that there is one world in which
we live our daily lives
and an entirely different
one underneath the surface.
Could you just please
bring me whatever was in
that bottle?
Look at those buns.
Mom!
Is it Sal's fault, as usual?
What?
Now, does he have some health issue?
You didn't tell me about?
Mother I have no idea
what you're talking about.
You know very well what I'm talking about.
No, I don't. Mom.
Please Doctor Howard in the office.
Dr. Howard, I want to
know what the plan is...
Are you going to procreate
with the comic or not?
You don't have to.
Say it like that.
Quite honestly,
Sal and I have been having some problems.
Oh?
Yeah.
If your pop's was alive.
I just wish your father was still here.
That's all I do too.
-I do too.
He wouldn't have approved of Sal.
No, he wouldn't have.
Mom. Okay, Um.
The fact is, Sal and I
are getting a divorce.
You are?
Mom!
Dana.
Michael over there talks
about you constantly.
Now, don't blow
this Baby.
What did you do?
God, it looks like a nightmare in here.
What were you thinking?
This isn't a game.
That's really harsh, Dana.
Look how happy he is.
Where did you even get all of this?
I made it, you know.
I mean, some of it I ordered online.
Oh Sal.
You know, you're a good mommy.
He is not a baby!
Okay. He is a grown man
who is clearly having a
psychotic break with reality.
You are just confusing him!
Sal...
why don't you just go to sleep, okay?
You'll feel better
in the morning.
You know he might start
acting like a grown up
if you start treating him like one.
No coffee?
No more bonnets okay?
I'll be back later.
You know, you're
a good mommy.
I'll be back at 5:30.
So your whole family are scientists?
Well, my pops started this lab for
the government during the Cold War.
Fascinating.
Really?
You must have wonderful genes.
I don't know. Maybe.
Well.
We have a heck of a day ahead of us,
so I'd like to get started.
You wanna try?
Come on, come on, come on,
come on.
Peekaboo.
Okay.
Little bit more enthusiasm.
Peekaboo.
Okay!!!
One more time.
Peekaboo!
That is good.
Peekaboo!
That scared me!
Peekaboo.
Peekaboo.
Peekaboo.
I'll see you at 5:30.
I love you.
It's working.
So how long do we have to do this?
Um, just like a week maybe. It's working.
I just want Dana to realize that
she's going to be a great mom. Okay?
Like I said, Sandy, like another week.
That's it.
Where are you going?
To the can.
Babies go in their diapers.
Seriously?
And my name is Circe.
Dana gets it right. Every. Time.
This is so messed up.
I don't even know why
I'm helping you anymore.
Because everybody loves a baby.
He's starting to blow raspberries now.
Raspberries?
Yeah, like...
And he loves it when
you do this
So cute.
Yeah.
Dana, there's
something I want to talk to you about
Michael?
I know this is terribly intrusive of me,
but I was just in the
neighborhood and thought Id-
Waah! Waah!
What's that noise?
Um Sal and I are babysitting for a friend.
Of course.
Waaah!
I think that's
that's why I'm so distracted lately.
I don't want to be offensive,
but that baby sounds, well,
downright demented.
Who is that guy?
I don't know.
Um. you should probably go.
You want me to go because of
the way you feel about me, right?
I don't know.
Hmm. Mm
hmm. Hmm hmm.
Mmm. Mmm mmm.
Oh.
You need to go!
You're weird Dana!
I'm going to figure you out.
So who was that?
He's just this guy from work.
I guess he likes me.
Wow.
I should go to bed.
Hi.
Good night.
-Good night.
What are you doing?
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
- No, it's okay.
I totally understand
Its just that I-
I really need to talk to you.
Um.
I love Sal.
He's an awesome guy, but
I kind of got in this for the money.
What money?
The money I'm giving you to babysit?
Oh no. I feel like we've really bonded.
God, I feel like that, too.
I mean,
yeah, I know that you were the one
that technically gave him the potion, but-
No no no there's no potion... it's
all a farce.
It's all a farce.
There's no magic potion,
no mental breakdown.
He's showing you what
it's like to be a mommy.
And hoping that you'd
love it and change your mind
about everything.
I'm sorry.
Hmmph!
Oh is baby
having trouble sleeping? Oh.
Oh, baby.
Doesn't look so well.
I think baby needs
his temperature taken.
Now this may hurt a little bit.
We should probably leave it
in for a few hours... No?
I was just
I know what will
make that feel better
Stop!
Ow! Dana that
really hurt!
You're acting?
No. I mean, you were enjoying this.
I was just trying to-
You stay out of it!
I want you out of this house
tonight.
Here comes the airplane...
vroom... vroom..
Cmon buddy. It needs a place to land.
You know Sal youre not going to be
the funny fat guy if you keep this up.
I don't wanna be funny anymore.
All right. All right.
That's cool, man.
Hey, man, you stay here
as long as you want, all right?
Okay.
You know what they say.
Me casa you casa right?
I got a great idea.
YouTube videos, man.
Looka this
This is going to cheer you
up like you won't even believe.
Look, there's this one's really funny.
Cat in a sink...
Oh, and then there's a new cat in a box.
That was really, really funny.
Oh, these are so funny.
Oh, watch this one. This cat
knocking things off dresser.
That's a really good one.
Oh, and then there's this one right here
where you won't even believe this is crazy.
This cat hes chasing
this dog around and...
Where you going?
I have a confession to make.
Yeah?
It was your mother who told me to
keep working my charms on you.
Right.
After that night we kissed,
I thought all hope was lost.
I know what your mother's thinks, but
what do you think?
I think I-
I love your muscles.
Would you like to see them
dance?
You know,
the ancient Greeks believed a large
penis was grotesque and comical.
Their ideal was a small but
beautiful penis.
Not true.
Why would I lie?
Ooh!
Oh. Oh. Oh!
Yes! Yes!
You remind me of something.
I just don't know what.
Uhhhh
Do you have the results for 305?
Oh. Not yet.
I'm just working on something else.
Listen, I, uh.
I respect that you wanna take things slow.
Thanks.
Um. You know, I've actually
been thinking a lot about Sal lately.
You have?
Um..
Actually, I think we should
just keep things casual.
Okay?
Sure.
I-uh-
Yeah.
What do we have here?
I know this guy. He's in the freak show.
Tell me a joke!
What you drinkin', Tubby?
It's a 2008 Krug.
Very dry. Ooh.
Night night!
Get a haircut!
This is the worst production of Grease
I've ever seen.
How are things going on the 305 test?
Michael said you had some secret project.
I know you don't keep secrets from me.
It's not a secret.
It's just an experiment.
It's just highly unethical.
Unethical?
I don't believe that for a second.
Listen, Mother, I know Michael
He's very smart, but I'm not
interested in a relationship right now.
You jumped right into the whole
marriage thing with the manbaby.
Look, I need to concentrate
on my work, okay?
And Michael is a part of that, isn't he?
Of course.
Well, I need to go.
I love you.
I expect your report tomorrow morning.
Don't be late.
I didn't know where else to go.
They were wearing leather jackets.
Maybe the hospital.
Ive had too much to drink.
I can tell.
I dont think you're too bad.
Do you feel dizzy? - No.
It's kind of funny.
I was actually just thinking about you.
Oh yeah? Ouch!
Don't be such a-
Maybe you should go.
Okay.
Wait. Sal
you're an amazing guy.
I never told you that enough.
I want you back. Sal
Oh, yeah?
But. But not...
not as my husband.
Oh, no?
-Aren't you precious all powdered?
Gaga.
Now we're all diapered up
And I'm going to get your bottle.
I don't know, Dana.
You really think this is sexy?
Babies Don't talk Sal. -That's right.
Goo goo Gaa gaa
waa waa waa.
Is there something wrong with me?
Of course not.
No, I think I think there's
there's something wrong with me.
Don't say that.
Come on.
We're just tryin a little slap and tickle.
You know?
Yknow I'm still mad at you.
And that's okay.
If you want to pinch the pot
whatever gets you off baby.
Gah! Don't call me that!
What? I-
Okay, listen, Dana, I just.
Now I thought maybe... Yknow it's time,
for your bottle.
Your baby was for entertainment,
Sal, mine's going to be science.
Hey, I thought you were really mad at me.
What's up?
I'm not mad at you.
In fact, I need your help.
You're the only person I trust.
Oh. Wow
Someone needs his diaper changed
And look, it's your old babysitter.
She's come here to play with you.
What's going on?
It's what we both wanted.
All three of us.
Okay, Sal-You know,
I've been working on this,
you know, speculative, hypothetical serum.
And I didn't think it would work
But it did.
It did!
And now he's a baby!
I don't know what you're talking about,
but I think it's against the law.
Like against the real law of nature.
But we prefer this.
You're telling me that he wants this?
He asked for it.
Lets go talk in the living room.
So is it permanent?
Well, you know,
hormones are a tricky thing.
If he stops taking the serum
in the bottle, then eventually
his hormones will even out.
I mean, I don't know much about
science, but that doesn't sound safe.
There's some risk. Yes.
But, you know, there's risk in smoking pot,
having sex or driving on the freeway.
I'm sorry, Dana.
I just.
I don't think I can be down with this.
I don't want to sound too
mercenary here or anything, but
we do have Sal's trust fund.
Wow.
And he wants that.
He wants this, right?
Yes. Yeah.
This is how he wants to live his life.
Okay.
But what do you want from me in all this?
I don't know. I-
I just felt like we were-
Family?
Good night, my baby.
Goodnight my other baby.
Goodnight Sal.
Michael?
Yes. Yes.
Gotta go.
[SNORING
Hey Sal...
Hey Dana.
Rae whats up? -Hey
Um. So hey have you like...
Have you seen Sal lately?
No. No why?
Oh, really?
Well, I think he's.
He's, like, missing or something.
He won't return my phone calls or
anything, which is weird, you know?
And I was just wondering if
you knew anything, That's all.
No, I don't.
Sorry. -Huh.
What about Sandy or, you know, Circe or.
You know, you know.
I mean, you seen her right? -No no, sorry.
I mean.
He's supposed to be staying with me, right?
You know, we're bros you know?
I mean, you know, he's
my family now, you know?
And and, you know, then he was
all like, I don't want to bother you.
And I was like, hey, man, it's no bother,
you know, because, you know, I live
Alone.
You know, by myself, you know, all alone.
Well, I haven't seen him so...
You know, can I? Can I?
Can I come in?
I gotta drop a deuce.
Oh, I, I actually have guests right
now that's not such a good idea.
Okay. All right, I get it.
You don't want some strange
chick pooping in your bathroom.
I get it. Oh, man.
This one time, I let this guy
come and use my bathroom right?
And he didn't even have to go, right?
I mean, he.
He just wanted to come in and
steal... Oh yeah you you need to go.
I'm sorry. -Okay. Okay.
But I will let you know if I hear anything.
I will call you.
You call me? - I will call you. Okay.
Right, right on. You call me. All right.
So if you hear from Sal, you'll call.
Totally Great great I will call you.
And if you hear from
Sandy, you know, just call me.
Sounds Good. Okay. Okay.
And, you know, even if you're bored and
you want to hang out, just give me a call.
You know, I'm not doing nothing.
- Okay okay thanks.
Call me any time. -Okay.
Just call.
All right.
All right. Nice talking to you.
Goodnight! call me?
Is she still here?
She's leaving.
I think she's just worried about Sal.
You should just tell her.
We should. We should leave town.
What?
This is a small town.
She should leave the country. -With Sal?
We could go to Mexico. Or-isn't
that what people in this situation do?
We're outlaws.
Wait Dana... what do you mean, outlaws?
Oh, I guess I just mean
that people won't understand.
You know?
No but why outlaws?
You said that Sal wanted this. So
why don't we just sober him up
long enough to get him on a plane?
Yeah, um we can't do that.
Why not?
Okay, um
Circe the truth is that um
Sal didn't.
He didn't exact exactly ask to be changed.
I mean, in so many words.
In so many words?
Did he
or didn't he ask?
No.
Surprise!
Hey, hey stranger.
Where you been? -Mom!
You brought, Michael.
And Father Murphy.
You think she was using her
maternity leave with the days she was
taking off lately.
Circe! We have company.
I didn't think you'd mind.
It's been, what, two
weeks since I've seen you?
Mother, not my mother.
Dana's Mother, you are beautiful.
Just like Dana.
Now, what's going on
with these boxes and toys?
We are.
There was a -The garage cleaning.
We?
Now you both live here?
Yeah. -No.
I mean. Yes.
I mean. Have a seat.
Sit down. Please.
What is that noise?
I was. I was watching videos, and
I must have left the computer on so
I will go handle this.
Are you sure? -Yep Let me handle it.
Go. Ok.
Stop.
I know that voice.
That's no virus video.
I think you mean viral video Mother.
I can hear him.
That's Sal!
What the hell is this?
If this is a bad time,
Doctor We can visit later.
No, Father.
It's just her ex-husband.
Always playing jokes.
So wheres the girl?
What girl? -Your friend.
I don't know.
Look, I don't know if he's
playing jokes or not, but
I don't get it.
I have a bottle of wine in the car.
Let's open it shall we?
Wine is proof God loves us.
Ah Michael Carmichael
You are quite the charmer.
Not like the Joker.
Comic!
Covered in tattoos like
Bradbury's illustrated man!
Shh. Shh.
Where is he?
We're at my place downtown.
Listen, I didn't feed Sal today.
What?
You lied to me, Dana.
You can't force him to be a baby.
He can't just go cold turkey.
Circe those are powerful hormones
If he just stops taking them.
There will be side effects!
Cmon you little fool...
Cmon are you back?
She was such a great
performer.
Remember when you were in that
performance of Grease in middle school
giving all those hand jobs?
I think you mean hand jives Dr. Howard
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Oh my god!
Ok Circe Cersei, whoever you are, drop him.
Sal you're coming home with me.
Okay little buddy its okay.
Sorry, bro.
We'll get this all figured out soon.
I think you should all go.
Go? Just like that?
Oh, my God.
Found him.
You know, I figured you were looking
for him, too, so I brought him home.
What are you talking about?
We're divorced.
Why would you bring him here?
Oh, well, I guess we'll just
have to let him tell you then, huh?
No, I don't think that's such a good idea.
Why not Dana?
Why is that young man gagged?
Baby, what's the meaning of all this?
Don't call me, baby.
Dana what is that smell?
He went to the bathroom.
Who?
The overgrown larvae in the diaper?
This is preposterous, Dana.
Why are you entertaining these freaks?
I'm calling the police. -No. Mom!
Oh, no.
Arrrr...
-Wait!
Ohhhh. Ohhh.
Man Dana?
We have to get
...we'll take my car.
I mean. I was just trying to take him home.
I know. I know.
I can't believe
that man went
to the bathroom
in that diaper.
I feel sick.
Don't look at me man.
It's not my poo.
Why dont you help me out?
Give me something.
Dont you have something to wear in here?
I don't know
check the floor.
Sandy, you gotta help me.
Wahh!
Sal...
Dana, you stay back with that thing.
You just need to take a
little drink of the formula.
And you'll be good as new.
You have a lot of powerful hormones,
and you're not thinking straight.
You're not thinking straight.
Look, I love you, Dana, but I'll do it.
Dana?!?
Me? Your darling?
The light of your life.
Your one true love.
She's high on ludes.
Dana.
All right.
Who needs a ride home?
Excuse me.
Are you her husband?
Um. Sort of.
I mean, like I was, and now I'm not.
There's paperwork and stuff.
I think she'll be fine
as long as she stops playing with
whatever drugs you kids are playing with.
She can't do that anymore.
She's pregnant.
Pregnant?
Pregnant.
Sorry, you have to hear it this way,
but it's why she's been feeling sick.
I now pronounce you
husband
and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
You have to wear your gloves,
Grandma.
Hey its MANBABY
Hey let me tell you its tough out there.
It's tough I say... try getting
a job dressed like this!
Hey try getting a girlfriend!
Hiii ooh!
I want my baba! Waa!
Do you remember him?
-I want my baba waa!
-I want my baba waa!
No.
-I want my baba waa!
I really appreciate you doing this
I have my own life now yknow.
I got kids I got work,
and this is just such a long
drive out here.
She has good days
and she has bad days.
What about my baba?
You remember that guy?
No.
I remember the women who built this house.
Oh, we used to laugh
but we didn't laugh like
laugh.
It's a farce...