Masters of Love (2019) Movie Script
1
(soft music)
(dramatic music)
Oh baby
Come on now
Hm hm yeah
Got your love
Out of feeling
Caught your bug
Got the fever
Can't stop thinking
'bout you everyday, no
Hm hm yeah
I'm gonna prove to you girl
I ain't messing wrong with your heart
You'd be my one love
One love, baby
We're together
United, baby
Under one roof
In the house
The house is ours
Girl, I need your
medication for my soul
Give it to me, girl
Gonna be all right
If you say it's okay,
gonna stay all night uh huh
Mm mm mm
Give it to me, girl
Gonna be all right
If you say it's okay,
gonna stay all night
Well
Well, well
- I love the start of relationship.
It's great, isn't it?
It's exciting to see the
other person make an effort.
You're nice to each other.
Hey, how was your day?
The best.
How was yours?
Incredible.
Wanna fuck?
Yes, please.
Cut to a year later.
How was your day?
Fine.
Aren't you gonna can ask how mine was?
How was your day?
Awful.
Not that you give a shit.
- Nice job.
Those eight people seemed
to really enjoy it.
- Yeah, two more than last week.
Word must be spreading.
- No, that was my parents.
- Ah, explains why they were
laughing more at you than me.
- Yeah, that must be it.
Drink?
- Always one step ahead of you.
- Lovely as it isn't here,
I meant out there with the people.
- Not a problem.
In the interest of honesty,
even though it smells a
lot like piss in here,
I find this whole situation a bit sexy.
- Me too.
Now I love the smell of piss (laughs).
Should we kiss or something?
(bright music)
Oh shit, I'm not on piss.
Yeah, I'm definitely not on piss.
(bright music)
Pull up.
Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
Are you all right?
- Sit down.
(bright music)
Okay.
- You go there.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, okay.
- Yeah.
(bright music)
Hang on.
Hang on, sorry.
(bright music)
- Are you-
- Sorry, it's just the coke.
- Just shove it.
- No, no, no.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry.
All right.
Okay, yeah I'm in.
Yeah, I'm good.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah, I'm in.
(hand knocking)
- [Man] Come on, guys.
I know you're in there.
You got five minutes and then
I'm gonna have to open it up.
- Guess I better put my
pissy jeans back on then.
(soft music)
- I really, really
don't wanna go in today.
- Then don't.
Let's just run away together.
- Yes, please.
I'd love that.
- Why don't we?
Why don't we just pack our bags
and take our savings and just leave?
- I think we'd probably
last about three months.
- A year in India.
Maybe more.
- Can we come back for our wedding though?
- We'll get married in Vegas.
- Oh, it's a big trip.
- There's a lot of the world to see.
I can take photos.
We'd live off my commissions.
- I'd be a kept woman.
I like the sound of that.
No more spreadsheets.
- Just silk sheets for you, my lady.
I know how to treat my women.
- Well now, don't.
Don't do that.
I've got morning breath.
- I don't care.
- No, no, no, no, no, seriously.
And also what about
this beautiful creation?
- I don't care about that either.
- No honestly, I haven't got time for it.
I want to eat these.
- [Josh] I think I could
eat Mexican food every day.
Could you eat Mexican food everyday?
- Probably not.
- Yeah, you could.
- Okay.
- Well don't okay me.
If you don't agree, don't agree.
- I already didn't agree.
- Yeah, but not with any real conviction.
- Fine.
Fuck you.
I don't want to eat Mexican food every day
for the rest of my life.
- There's just so much
complexity in the sauce.
Then you got the smokiness from that deep.
- Okay, okay.
I'd eat it everyday.
No, Josh.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
- I don't wanna lose it.
- You said not tonight.
- 30 seconds tops.
It's the hottest shack
in town at the moment.
The spicy goodness that
everyone's talking about
and I'm happy to report
that it does not disappoint.
Done.
I just didn't wanna lose the moment.
- [Jennifer] Well you did.
- [Josh] I didn't mean that moment.
- [Jennifer] You never do.
- [Josh] I got their card.
I'm gonna suggest them to Em
for the wedding for midnight snacks.
You know, we should
really get married soon.
They're already putting us to shame.
Are you gonna propose?
- I'm seeing someone else.
- Do you want to go for
a drink or something?
- No, I'm fine.
- You know, I'd love you
to come and stay with us.
It's just the wedding.
- Don't worry.
- But if you're totally stuck.
(woman groaning)
(hand knocking)
- Fuck.
Stay for a drink.
- No, sorry.
Fun is strictly on hold until the 21st.
- Sam got you on a tight leash.
- Maybe I put myself on the leash.
- I bet you did.
Pervert.
- You are such a child.
Call me if you need anything.
- I will.
- Bye.
- Single origin, Ethiopian
drip coffee from Bean Yard?
Yes, please.
Guys, I have got some very exciting news.
Bad Chef is growing.
We're moving on.
We're moving up.
We're gonna have new adventures.
We're gonna be looking at new premises.
We're gonna be doing guest
spots in different kitchens.
It's gonna be bigger and better than ever.
Also, just between you and me,
I've got a very, very exciting
project in the pipeline.
What?
A TV show?
Well, I couldn't possibly say.
Just stay tuned for more news.
Keep your bad selves good.
Peace.
(soft music)
- [Sam] Hey.
- Hey.
- So I've had a slightly different idea
for who I think maybe a
good first dance song.
- Have you?
- Yes.
Wanna hear?
- Yeah.
(energetic music)
- Jump.
(energetic music)
- Enough, enough, enough, enough.
- Oh, come on.
- No, no.
(energetic music)
I love it.
I'm in.
I want to wear a suit.
- Well you certainly ruined
my bit of a dance moment.
Please.
- I think I do.
- You have a dress.
You have a very expensive
dress that we can't take back.
- Well, I'll wear it to my next wedding.
- I am literally going to
kill you in your sleep.
Are you being serious?
You're a fucking nightmare.
- Oh.
Sam.
- [Photographer] Okay, let's go.
And I'm over here.
Oh, that's it.
Like a sexy tiger.
Growl.
Oh, oh.
And straight down the lens.
Mm mm, that's sexy.
Mm mm mm mm.
And over here.
Follow me, follow me.
Oh yeah.
Oh.
And look over to the right.
Oh, that's beautiful.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
Emmy.
- I think we could go touch softer.
A bit more diffusion.
- [Photographer] I wasn't
asking your opinion.
Why are there no fucking
images on my screen?
- Oh right, sorry.
- [Photographer] Now down this way.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
You're the lady.
I'm a tramp.
You're Princess Diana.
That's it.
- I didn't get a script.
- Oh no, no.
There isn't one.
- Oh, is it for a different job?
- Yeah.
Sitcom.
- Sitcom.
Are you a comedian?
- Not really, no.
- What's it called?
- "Moonshine".
Set in Ireland.
- With English characters?
- No, no.
I'll be putting on an Irish accent.
- Will ya?
- Emmy.
Listen.
I got a queue of people as long as my dick
wanting to take your job.
Now you keep your head
down, your mouth shut,
and you got a chance, but if you ever,
ever give me your opinion again.
Okay?
Good work today.
Who's coming to my hotel room?
(energetic music)
- Josh.
How are you?
- Get here.
You.
- Oh hilarious, Josh (laughs).
- Hilarious.
- Oh, thank you so much for coming in.
- Yeah, thank you.
- And we've got something
absolutely great.
It's great.
- It's great.
- Oh God, sorry.
How rude.
Shit, actually do you mind if I?
Thank you.
Hi, hi.
- And here we go.
Just finishing.
Just got to quickly pop in.
And send.
Send.
Send.
It sent.
Josh.
You look great.
Hilarious.
- Okay.
- You need a coffee or a water?
- I'm fine.
- Or a glass of delicious Rose maybe.
- Right.
- 300 and you only have to do one spot.
- Advertising.
- No, no, no, no, no.
This needs to come from you.
- You want me to endorse this for 300?
- Oh, it's really quite
nice wine, you know.
Here look, have some.
- I don't need to have some.
Did you get a chance to show
the Food Network my pilot?
- Oh.
They loved it.
- Really?
- They will when they watch it.
- Oh, he loves it.
I knew it.
- Yeah.
- Apparently Ukraine is the new Provence.
- Yeah.
- Or so we're told.
Actually probably didn't mention that.
Don't want the fact checking Nazis
spewing all over your feed.
- No, no, no, no.
- So how's the lovely Jennifer?
Hi yeah, can I get a table for six?
Yeah, thank you.
- Oh, it didn't send.
Come on.
- It was great.
Lovely people.
Listen, have you heard of "Moonshine"?
And you showed them my show reel?
Right.
Well maybe I could be proactive
like put something on tape.
Or you can get them down to a gig.
Okay.
Fine, yep.
Okay.
Fancy seeing you here.
- I've only got like 40 minutes,
so I can't make it back to yours.
Plus I stink fish guts.
- What else is new?
No, I thought we could grab
a coffee or a bite to eat.
- What?
Have like a conversation.
People might see us.
- All my other bitches.
I understand.
I get it.
- Oh, well I need to get changed really.
And then by the time we found somewhere,
I'll have to come back.
- No worries.
I was right here.
I thought I might as well pop by.
- I mean you can.
Sorry that sounded-
- No, don't worry about it.
- If you just given me more notice.
- Honestly, it was just, you know.
- Do you wanna share my pastry?
- As tempting as that is, leave you to it.
- It's probably a good decision.
- Cool.
- Cool.
- Cool.
- I still can't believe it, you know.
It's still hard to believe.
- Yeah.
- Do you know what I mean?
- What?
- That she was fucking somebody else.
It's like, I don't know.
Cancer.
Like one of those things you
think will never happen to you.
- I don't think it's like cancer.
- You don't know what it feels like, okay.
It's eating me up inside.
- But not literally.
- The strawberry one.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
- Sam's already ordered the chocolate one.
- Well then what was
the point in asking me?
- Because I think I like
the strawberry one, too.
- Have you spoken to her?
- About the cake?
- No.
You know who I'm talking about.
- Can we not do this?
- Emmy, for fuck's sake.
You're my sister.
- And what did I say
when you got together?
- Watch out.
She's a dirty, filthy whore.
- Can we change the subject please?
- It's just normal now when
people just sleep around.
- How are you, Emmy?
How's the planning going?
Are you freaking out?
Well, thanks so much for asking.
I'm so grateful to have
such a caring older brother.
- Don't change the subject.
- From you, no.
God forbid.
- You know what?
Forget it.
If everything's off limits,
I've got work to do.
- My life's not off limits.
- Well, I'm sorry, but I'm
not in the mood to listen
to your fairytale life at the moment.
- Selfish prick.
- [Josh] Don't forget we've
got lunch tomorrow with mom.
- Fuck.
(soft music)
- [Lily] Hello.
- Looking for this.
Oh, that sounded terrible.
I didn't mean.
I didn't.
I just saw it.
I folded it.
Are you meant to fold skirts?
I don't know.
- Oh.
- Yeah. I'll just give it over.
I'm Josh, by the way.
- Lily.
- Hello, Lily.
- Hello.
- Should we shake hands?
Should I stand up?
I've gotta be honest.
I'm a little bit out of my depth in this.
- I mean, you've seen me in my knickers,
so I guess we can skip the formalities.
- Absolutely.
How was your childhood?
- Traumatic.
- Mine, too.
Cheap Rose?
- Yeah, I really should
continue sneaking out.
- Now that you've got
your clothes back on.
- Yeah.
- Until next time.
- He'll be lucky.
- I bet he will.
Bit creepy.
- See ya.
- Go easy.
- [Lily] Okay.
- Go easy.
(bright music)
Hey.
- Hey.
- Is she here?
- She's inside.
- And you're sure you want me here?
- What?
- I'm just saying does it look
like we've been going behind her back?
- Fuck you.
You said you'd come.
- I'm here.
I'm just checking.
Come on then.
(bright music)
- Hey mum.
- Hi.
You're late.
- No, we're on time.
- Not by my watch.
- Your watch is always fast.
- Semantics.
- Not really.
- You look tired.
- Thanks.
- No, doesn't he?
Are you sleeping?
I thought it was Jennifer
who had the demanding job.
Where is she today?
- Busy.
- I suppose one of you has to be (laughs).
God, you look tired, too.
- This is a lovely greeting, mum.
- I worry about you.
You need to look after one another.
The air in this city is bad.
You'd realise that if you left it
once in a while to come and visit me.
- I appreciate you coming in, mum.
- It was my pleasure, darling.
(camera shutter clicking)
What are you doing?
- [Josh] I'm working.
- Aren't you supposed to be
having lunch with your family?
- Yes Josh, please.
- Speaking of family.
- Oh Jesus.
- No, no, no, listen.
All my friends' children are married
with the second baby on the way.
- Okay.
- What about me, mum?
- What about you?
- Don't you want to see me settle down?
- Oh, you got plenty of time.
Long as you're happy.
- I am happy.
- [Josh] They really are a lovely couple.
- Yes, I understand two people
of the same sex can be a lovely couple.
I do understand that.
I'm not from a different
century, you know.
- We're getting married.
(soft music)
- Sorry, you're what?
- Getting married.
(soft music)
- When?
- In three weeks.
- What?
(soft music)
I've not even met her.
- And whose fault is that?
(soft music)
- Mum.
Mum.
(soft music)
- Well that went well.
- Jennifer's still coming to the wedding.
- What?
- Now seemed as good a time as any.
- Hey, great to hear you're
still coming to the wedding.
Just wanted to call and say hey.
Maybe we should grab a
coffee before the wedding
if you got time just to talk.
Call me back on 077.
I mean, you know it.
You know what it is.
I miss you.
Forget I said that.
Just let's go for coffee.
Okay.
Bye.
Fuck.
- [Emmy] I don't even
think I want her there.
- I think you'll really
regret if she's not.
- You haven't met her.
- I know.
- I know, I'm sorry.
It's ridiculous.
I have tried.
- Maybe we should just ambush her.
- Pop up from behind her sofa.
- Surprise.
I'm having sex with your daughter.
- Occasionally.
- Oy.
- Hopefully she'd have a heart attack.
- Em, don't say that.
That's mean.
- Just a small one.
Make her realise life's too
short to be such a bitch.
- To realise that I'm better
than any man out there.
- God, I hope I don't
inherit her parenting skills.
- Shut up.
You are gonna be a great mommy.
- All right.
One thing at a time.
- Oh, forget it.
I'm not cut out for this.
This is a terrible idea.
- Do you wanna turn up
alone to this wedding?
(bright music)
- Hi.
I'm Josh.
- Mate, she knows you're Josh.
It says right there.
- Okay.
Hi Mia.
Nice to meet you.
- It's too formal.
Keep it light.
- Light, right.
Here's an interesting fact.
- No.
(bright music)
There.
- Now what do I do?
- Just wait.
See if she texts back.
- If?
We had a match.
- That doesn't mean anything.
Her finger might've slipped.
- Oh God, this is stressful.
- It's fine.
There's like 1000 others.
- She's texted.
It is.
How did you know?
- No, no, no.
My work here is done.
- How did I know?
- Use your imagination.
- But-
- No.
I gotta go drink off a hangover.
- Niall.
- [Niall] Good luck.
(soft music)
- Mia.
Red top.
- Yes, hi.
- Balding.
Beard.
- Yeah, I recognise you.
Hello.
- Hello.
- Did you bring all this stuff?
- Oh, it's nothing.
Take a seat, please.
There's a lovely little farmer's market
just around the corner.
- You brought a lot of food.
- So have you come far?
- Not really, no.
Just east.
I live in Bow.
- Great.
Cool.
I've not been.
- Oh, it's fine.
Well, it's okay.
I like it.
- I'm staying with a mate at the moment.
- Oh nice.
In London?
- Forest Hill.
- Oh right.
Forest Hill.
I know Forest Hill.
That's on the-
- East London line.
- East London line, yeah.
- Yeah and the overground
as well actually.
- Right.
That's good.
- Great transport links.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Interesting.
Comte?
- Oh no, thank you.
I don't really like
cheese unless it's melted.
- Oh right.
I've got a pile unfortunately.
- Oh no, I don't mean on its own.
I mean like on a pizza or something.
- No, I was.
Nevermind.
Oh, try some of this.
It's from a tiny little vineyard
on the southern tip of Sicily.
So it's all handpicked single vineyards.
You know, really small production.
No?
- Oh sorry.
Sorry, that's a bit dry for me.
I normally go for something a bit sweeter.
- Oh.
- Sorry, you have that.
I'm okay for wine.
I don't want anything.
- No, no, no problem at all.
- I'm probably gonna-
- No, no, no problem.
- No, honestly I don't need anything.
No, don't open another bottle.
No, no, no.
Please don't.
- Honestly, it's fine.
There you go.
Better?
- Yeah, that's lovely.
Thank you.
So do you use Tinder much?
- I'm probably gonna go actually.
- Okay.
- Sorry.
- No, no.
- It's just.
- Yeah.
- This is a bit (chuckles).
You know.
- Yeah.
- When you know it
yourself, you know just.
- Okay.
- This was really lovely of you.
- Thanks.
- Enjoy your picnic.
Nice to meet you.
- Okay.
Bye.
Okay people, we have comte.
We have washed rind goat's cheese.
We have truffle filled brillat savarin.
(soft music)
This one is nice and balanced.
It's got a good bit of body,
but it's still lovely and fresh,
so you could have it with
the canapes or the chicken.
- And this is?
What did you call it?
White wine?
- It's got a really lovely nose this one.
- You've got a lovely nose.
- Niall, please.
We are wine testing.
- Tasting.
- We are taste testing.
- Shall we just do this by
ourselves, Josh, another time?
- All right, mum and dad,
we'll drink it properly.
- Yeah, like this.
Yum.
- Oh, speaking of mum and dead,
have you decided yet
who's going to be the mum
and who's going to be the dad?
- You are such a prick.
- Aren't we supposed to be
pregnant before we announce it?
- I told them we were looking into it.
I didn't realise it was a secret.
- Well, it's not as easy as
just deciding to do it, Em.
- No, I do realise that.
Thank you, Sam.
I did get a B in GSEC biology.
- Do you like the wine?
- How much is it?
- I can get it for 650 a bottle.
- Then I like it.
- Well, this is the Pinot Noir.
It's a great red for the summer.
- Who's gonna do the school run?
- Both of us.
- So you're gonna leave London?
- If it means getting away from you.
- Oh, I'll find you wherever you go.
That's why I'm such a good friend.
I'm persistent.
- What'd you think of that one?
- Yeah, it's nice.
- Cute little three bed in the suburbs.
Get into the people carrier
for the weekly shopper ad deck.
I can see it now.
- Well we can't just all sit around
playing with our dick all day,
living off advert money
as much as we'd love to.
- Hey, I've got people who
play with my dick for me.
- Gross.
Poor women.
- Yeah, I can't disagree with you there.
- Guys.
- Yes please, I'll have some more.
- No, I don't care what you think.
Emmy.
- I am not a big fan of red wine.
- Well then.
- I think it's good.
I think it's gonna work.
- Do you like to try some dessert ones?
- Anyway, we're not leaving London.
- Well, we're gonna have to at some point.
- We don't have to do anything.
- I'm not talking about tomorrow, Em,
but come on, be practical.
- Since when do you want to leave London?
- Not straight away, but you know
when we have a family we're gonna need to.
- Can we get back to the wine?
- Plenty of people have
cooped here before.
- I'm not talking about
the Outer Hebrides.
- I was only joking.
I'm sure it's lovely.
- Fuck off, Niall.
No one cares what you think.
- Do you know what?
Forget it.
Forget it.
The wine's there.
The price list is there.
Just text me which ones you want.
- Josh.
What's wrong with him?
(bright music)
What?
- You're totally out of order.
- Oh, fuck you.
- See, we live in a technological time.
Nothing has ever moved so fast.
Hover boards done.
Next.
Driverless cars done.
Next.
AI sex dolls done.
Can I have one please?
- Hey, Niall.
Thanks for tonight.
- Pleasure.
How did your set go?
- Tough crowd I thought.
- Yeah.
Starting to wonder if it's the crowd.
Was your mate from United then?
- She couldn't make it.
Your cut.
Sorry it's not more.
- Hey, it's another drink.
- [Woman] Night.
- Night.
(soft music)
- Night.
(soft music)
- Guys, I realise it's
not the most complex thing
in the world but ask yourself this.
Do I want the perfectly
fried cheese sandwich?
Well do you?
- Yeah.
- Shit.
- Well don't stop.
I wanna know how to make
the perfect sandwich.
- It's cheese and bread.
- Keep your bad selves good.
- Oh God, you've seen the site.
- Yeah, it's great.
It's high energy.
- What do you mean?
I'm totally just being myself.
Hanging out, eating food,
and generally having
much more fun than you.
Subscribe here.
- I already did.
- I thought better of you.
- I did it out of pity.
- Well now in that case, drink.
- Yeah, I probably should
sneak out before he wakes up
and wonders why I'm still here.
- Yeah.
Gotta keep one step ahead.
- Exactly.
- So what did you think really?
- I think you've got excellent taste.
- Even to food?
- I'm the sous chef at 13 Taylor Street.
- No.
I love that place.
- Yeah, I know.
I saw.
- We should do a video together.
- Definitely not.
- Okay.
- Well.
- Are you going to his gig next week?
- Not that I know of.
- You should come.
He's got industry and so
he needs friendly faces.
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure
he would have invited me
if he wanted me there.
- Well come and keep me company then.
I was supposed to be going
with my partner of five years,
but she's busy sucking another man's cock.
- Here.
Text me the details.
Peace.
- Peace.
(patrons chattering)
(energetic music)
- [Emmy] Sorry.
- Who are you?
- [Emmy] Sorry.
- Are you like a photographer or what?
- [Emmy] I am, yeah.
- She's holding a camera
and taking photos.
- Oh, come on, I know.
I meant like professionally
or like instead of a pervert?
- You a pervert?
- I guess I am a bit, yeah.
- Oh good then.
Otherwise I would have put acid on you.
So come in.
Join in.
- Oh, do you mind if I take
another picture of you?
Can you get together?
- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
(patrons chattering)
(bright music)
- [Sam] Hey.
- Sh, you'll wake Sam.
- Where you've been?
- Looking.
- Stop.
So I sent the playlist to the minister
and the stands are being delivered
between 10 and three tomorrow,
so I need you to be in all right.
Stop.
I'm going to bed.
- Hey, hey.
I've got a secret to tell you.
- What you want?
- Come, come, come, come, come.
I've got a secret.
- Go on then.
What is it?
- I wanna fuck you.
- Bet you do, drunkie.
Oh.
You absolutely stink.
- Oh.
Come on, Sam.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
(bright music)
- [Sam] Ow.
- Get up, bitch.
- [Sam] No.
I actually think I've
cut myself or something.
I'm bleeding.
- Yeah, you are.
- [Sam] Seriously, I'm bleeding.
- Oh fuck.
- Ow.
- Let me see, let me see.
You're bleeding.
- Yes.
- Oh.
- Stay there.
Let me go and sort myself.
- I'll help.
- No, just stay.
Jesus.
(soft music)
(water splashing)
Oh God.
(soft music)
Yeah.
Em.
(soft music)
Fucking kidding me.
- Duncan.
- Hey, Niall.
Great to see you.
- Thanks for coming.
- Of course.
When are you on?
- Third.
It's only 10 minutes.
- 10 minutes is perfect.
Is it funny?
- What?
- I'm joking.
Maybe I should be up on the stage.
- Right.
Yeah, is she coming?
- Yes, she'll be here.
- Great.
I'll see you after for drink.
Hello, mate.
- Hey.
This place is nice.
- Yeah, it's okay.
- How you feeling?
- Nervous.
- We'll laugh extra loud.
- We?
Is Emmy coming?
- No, she's got wedding stuff.
Lily.
- Why is Lily coming?
- I told her about it.
I thought she'd tell you.
- No.
No, she didn't.
- She'll be here soon.
- Fuck.
Okay.
I gotta go get ready.
- Okay.
Good luck, mate.
(bright music)
Hi mate, I've just come back from holiday.
I caught this over.
I'm like okay great thanks.
Yeah, yeah, here we go.
Just like act like I know him.
He's actually a nice guy.
He actually knows some of my friends.
- Okay next up for your delectations,
all the way from the Emerald
Isle via Forest Hill.
It's Niall McCarthy.
Woo, woo, woo.
(audience clapping)
- Hello, hello.
Hello.
Hello.
I only had two wanks today
in case you were wondering.
He looks surprised.
I know it's good self restraint, hey.
Hey, what about you?
How many wanks you had?
None.
Is that your girlfriend?
Sure.
None.
He doesn't do that sort of thing.
I do have sex, too.
Before you ask, there are women
who will have sex with me.
Rarely more than once
granted, but there are women.
I just struggle with the
whole relationship concept.
Like how do you hold down a relationship?
I'm actually asking you.
How do you do it?
How do you hold down a relationship?
Yeah.
Relationships.
It can be very distracting.
Wanking, relationships, cats.
Cats obviously.
And we're back.
She didn't look impressed.
Fuck, that was terrible.
- No, it wasn't.
- It was funny.
- Why was nobody laughing then?
- They were.
It was great.
- I'm sweating.
I forgot my place like three times.
I need another drink.
Drink?
- Yeah.
- I should probably head off.
I'm in early tomorrow.
- [Niall] Okay.
- All right.
See you then.
- [Niall] Yep.
- Bye Josh.
- See ya.
- What the fuck?
- What?
- What are you doing inviting
her and not telling me?
- I presumed she'd tell you.
- Well, she didn't.
Do you know why?
'Cause she's not my girlfriend.
- I'd say she's pretty aware of that.
- Just do me a favour.
Next time you bump into a
random girl in the corridor,
don't invite her to one of
my gigs without telling me.
Okay?
- Understood.
- Or better still move out and
you won't bump into anyone.
- I'm looking.
Jesus.
- I'm gonna go get drunk
with some comedians.
You probably won't like but
you can come if you want.
- As tempting as that sounds-
- Fine.
See you at home.
(upbeat music)
Hey.
- Hey.
Good night?
- Not really.
What you doing?
- Just looking at places to rent.
- Don't be an idiot.
I was drunk and stressed.
Close that down.
- Done.
- The white chapel fertility clinic.
- [Sam] Yeah.
Tash from work gave it to me.
- What's Tash doing giving
you a brochure on fertility?
- Well, I think her and Kevin used it.
- Well, we wanna stay
away from there then.
Ethan's a right little shit.
- Babe, you've met him once.
- He squeezed a fresh
raspberry into my dress.
- Yes and he's 18 months old.
- Exactly.
He should know better.
He's lucky I didn't kick him in the head.
- Well I'm sure Tash
appreciates your restraint.
- She's lucky I didn't
kick her in the head.
I thought we decided to
wait 'til after the wedding.
- Yeah, we did.
- So you're allowed to
talk to people from work,
but I'm not allowed to talk to Niall.
- I didn't say you couldn't speak to him.
Plus, Tash is an actual adult.
- Well, here's hoping
I don't grow up then.
- What's your problem with Tash?
- Nothing.
She's just boring.
It's nothing personal.
- Do you know what?
Whatever.
- That's a bit dramatic.
- Please don't forget
that we've got a meeting
with minister tomorrow, so.
And.
Yeah, whatever.
I'll see you then.
- Can't wait.
I'm joking.
Lighten up.
(soft music)
- [Josh] What are you doing here?
- That's a lovely greeting.
- [Josh] I've been learning from mum.
You look nice.
- Don't I?
- Tea?
- Beer, gin.
- Now we're talking.
- Is everything all right?
- Everything's fine.
I just need a night out.
- [Niall] Yes.
- And I need you to text Sam
and tell her you're taking
me on a surprise stag.
- Stag?
No.
This is the hen do.
- Fuck you.
I can be a stag.
- Yeah, sure you could.
- Fine.
Then we're all hens.
I don't give a shit as
long as there's booze.
- I've always wanted to kind of hen do.
- Just give me a couple of hours.
I've just to finish some work first.
All right, fine, but don't blame me
when I haven't got
enough money to move out.
Let's get pissed.
Do you remember Tina
Georgeson from school?
- Yeah, why?
- Well, I bumped into her
the other day and she-
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
All right, if this is a sendoff.
- I'm not immigrating.
- You might as well be.
We need to do this properly.
- Oh shit.
- That is not the
reaction I was hoping for.
- I'm just not sure I'm in the right.
(soft music)
Fine.
- See you on the other side.
(soft music)
Here we go.
Now that
Now that
Oh oh oh oh
Now that
Oh oh
Now that
Oh oh oh oh
Now that
Oh oh
- You guys are my best friends
and I don't tell you enough.
- Are we now?
- My beautiful men.
- Am I gonna be all right?
Do you think I'm gonna be all right?
Do you think I'll be on my own forever?
- What are you talking about?
I'm jealous of you guys.
You guys have freedom.
- I don't want it.
- I wouldn't be in such
a rush to settle down.
I'm telling you.
Your life suddenly speeds up
and then all you have to look
forward to is retirement.
My career hasn't even started yet.
- We're getting old.
- Let's dance.
Now that
Oh oh oh oh
Now that
Oh oh
Now that
Oh oh oh
(soft music)
- This is me.
- Goodnight.
- Yeah.
Josh, you okay?
- Yeah, good.
Yeah.
- See you.
- See you.
- Okay.
(soft music)
- [Niall] Night.
- [Josh] Night.
(soft music)
- Sam.
Sam.
(soft music)
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
(soft music)
(heartbeat pounding)
- Hey.
- This is my, well, going to be.
Emmy.
- Nice to meet you.
- Are you all right, love?
- Yup.
- So yeah, I was just
saying that we wanted
to maybe put something
different up on the wall so.
Not this kind of thing.
We.
You a bit hot?
Did you just run here?
Are you all right?
Yeah, it is quite warm today.
But yeah.
You all right, love?
- [Emmy] Shit.
- Sorry, one second.
Babe.
Okay.
Look.
Let me help you.
- [Emmy] No.
Get out.
- Please, can you just let me help you?
- Your text was a nice surprise.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
I got the leftovers.
- Yeah, but the leftovers
always taste better.
Do you wanna drink?
- Do you?
- The only way I'm gonna survive.
- Well, if I'm helping you.
- There's beers in the fridge.
- Unbelievable.
(soft music)
Yeah.
Fuck.
Yeah.
- You're so beautiful.
- What are you doing?
- What do you mean?
- I thought you were gonna cry.
- No, I'm just happy.
- Yeah.
Come on.
What?
- What?
- Why are you looking at me like that?
- What?
I can't look at you now?
- Well you can, but just not
with those puppy dog eyes.
- I'm admiring you.
- Yeah, well I don't want to be admired.
I wanna be fucked.
- Fine.
- Ow.
- You just said.
- Yeah, well not now.
Mood's gone.
(bright music)
Just took me by surprise.
- That I wanted to look at you?
- You wanted to look at me like that.
- And what if I did want
to look at you like that?
- You're on a come down.
- I want you to come to
the wedding as my date.
I want you to be my plus one.
- Can we do this another time?
- Not really.
It's next week.
- Look, just sober up and
straighten out what you want
and then we can talk.
- I know what I want.
- No, you don't.
You're a mess.
- I want you.
- I've gotta go.
- Lily.
- [Lily] Yeah, we'll speak soon.
(bright music)
(couple groaning)
(bright music)
- What the fuck?
- Goddamn.
What are you doing here?
- Seriously.
- Get out.
- Sorry.
- Get out.
- This is awkward.
- Fucking get out, Josh.
Get out.
- You could've rung the doorbell.
- Please get out.
- Come on, Josh.
- My God, my God, my God.
(soft music)
- Lay down.
Those fucking boys.
You need some water.
I'm gonna get you some water.
- Can you stop?
- [Sam] Stop what?
I'm just trying to help here.
- Yes, exactly.
- [Sam] Okay, so you turn
up late to our rehearsal
looking like a mess puke
everywhere and I'm the bad guy.
- No, I am.
That's the point.
- [Sam] What's the point?
- Can you stop being so fucking
rational and understanding?
- [Sam] Well somebody's gotta be, Em.
You're all over the place at the moment.
- Can you just leave it, Sam?
- [Sam] No, actually, no.
I want to talk about it.
- Well, I don't.
- What is wrong with you at the moment?
- I just threw up at our rehearsal.
We didn't even make it to our rehearsal.
- Yeah, I do know.
I was there.
- Then why aren't you angry?
- So you're angry with
me for not being angry?
- No.
- Then what?
- Where's the passion?
This is our life.
This is our wedding day.
Where's the passion?
- Do you know what?
I don't even.
I don't know how to answer you
because you're not making any sense.
Do you know what I think?
Just go and get some sleep.
- No, you said you
wanted to talk about it.
- Yeah, but you're acting like a kid.
- I know.
I know I am because I am sick
of acting like a grownup.
It's boring.
- What, so I'm boring?
- Not you, us.
I didn't mean.
I just mean I haven't
achieved what I wanted
and everything's speeding up.
- You're living in a fantasy world, Em.
Life isn't all roller coasters
and the holidays, you know.
Sometimes things are hard
and you have to put a
little bit of effort in.
- Well, it feels all effort.
- All effort?
You haven't done anything.
I've organised this
entire wedding on my own.
And you only work three
days a bloody week.
I found the venue.
I booked the caterers.
I ordered the flowers.
- Maybe that's exactly why
it feels like an effort
because it's not our wedding.
It's yours.
- Nothing would get
done if I didn't do it.
- Something would get done.
It just wouldn't always
be totally predictable.
I don't want my life planned out for me.
I don't want to be a
cog in your grand plan.
The wife stuck at home with the kids.
The perfect example of
just how normal we are.
We're so fucking normal.
We're boring.
I don't want a bracket.
I don't want a seven
seater in the suburbs.
It's not me.
I'm not ready.
I'm not ready for it.
I'm not ready to be old.
(patrons chattering)
- [Lily] Hello.
- Hey.
- [Lily] Hello.
Is Niall in?
- No, but come in.
- [Lily] Sure?
- No, wait outside.
Yes, obviously.
Come in.
(soft music)
That seems normal, right?
I think pretty sane.
- Definitely.
I mean, who hasn't broken
into their ex's house
to watch them have sex?
- Don't say it like that.
- Like what?
Like how it happened?
This wine is awful.
- Isn't it?
All right, pass it here.
Right, I've got a bottle
of Dominique Laurent,
clos de la roche 2005 from
Jennifer's dad's seller.
Rich prick, but he has got taste.
I'll give him that.
(upbeat music)
Right, okay.
Okay, okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Don't drink anymore.
Right, okay.
Right.
Wait there.
- No.
- Yes.
- I literally know nothing about wine.
- Just don't overthink it.
Right, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Okay.
Hello, I'm back with my
lovely friend Lily here
and we are drinking a
bottle of Dominique Laurent
clos de la roche 2005.
Just as good with a hearty chicken dish
as a lamb cutlet or if
you're a terrible lush
like my friend Lily here, just on its own.
And here is our review.
- Pretty good.
- It's pretty good, people.
You heard it here first.
Now get out of here.
- Keep your bad selves good.
- Peace.
That was great.
You're a natural.
We should do more stuff together.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
(bright music)
Oh shit.
(energetic music)
(bright music)
- [Lily] Oh shit.
- You okay?
(bright music)
- Here.
(bright music)
- This is.
This is getting out.
(bright music)
(door slamming)
Fucking shit.
- You kidding.
You fucking kidding.
- I came to sit.
We're really drunk.
This is stupid.
We're really drunk.
- That wasn't even on.
- Fuck this.
I don't know why I'm leaving.
Get out both of you.
- [Josh] Look, mate.
I just want to-
- I'm not interested.
Get out now.
(energetic music)
One two three four
- [Emmy] Babe.
(soft music)
No.
No.
No, no, no.
No.
(soft music)
No.
(soft music)
- Come on.
Hey, I'm outside your house.
Where are you?
Oh.
I guess we're both officially
back on the market then.
- I need to speak to Sam.
(phone ringing)
- Give me some good news, please.
- [Woman] Okay, I will.
Tim Rose loved the last piece.
Absolutely loved it.
They want exactly the same thing ASAP.
This time with Kristen Dict.
- What about the food network?
- [Woman] Oh, they did pass on this one.
But listen, Hampton Rose are gonna
chuck in an extra 50 pounds.
Okay, gotta go.
Ciao, ciao.
(doorbell ringing)
- Hey, Em.
- Hi.
Is she in?
- I'll go and check for you.
I'm sorry, Em.
Now's not a good time.
- It's okay.
I'll wait.
- I'm not sure she's ready to talk.
- That's okay.
- Right.
Well, I'm probably gonna
close the door now.
- Okay.
- Bye.
(soft music)
- I've cancelled the wedding, Em.
Look, I'm sorry, but I
think it's for the best.
- Can you open the door?
- [Sam] I can't see you right now.
- Please, Sam.
(soft music)
- I've been thinking about what you said
and I think that you might be right.
Actually-
- I wasn't right.
I was doing what I always do,
which is run away when things scare me.
I spent my whole life being scared.
I've never had an exhibition.
I don't own my own house.
I never ran a marathon.
I can barely look after my own finances,
but this is the thing I'm most proud of
and I'm not about to let a
bit of fear get between us.
- [Niall] Jesus, Josh, what the fuck?
- Hey man.
- What are you doing here?
- I let myself in.
- Yeah, you don't live here anymore.
- They're not gonna commission my series.
- I don't give a shit.
- Didn't want to talk to anyone else.
- [Niall] You need to go now.
- No.
- What?
- I said no.
I love you.
- But you're wasted and
I'm not in the mood.
- Hit me.
- Give me a break.
- Come on.
Hit me.
Oh.
Fuck.
Not in the balls.
In the face.
I meant hit me in the face.
Aw.
Jesus.
That hurt even more.
Look, I like her, okay.
It's not meant to be an excuse.
I'm just trying to be honest.
I like her.
- Yeah.
Me too.
- You like her?
Fuck.
I'm such an idiot.
- Apparently she likes you.
- No, no she doesn't.
She just.
She just thinks you're not interested.
Okay?
We were drunk.
It didn't mean anything.
- You just said you liked her.
- Can I take you for a drink?
- I don't think so.
- Do you want me to go?
- Yeah.
Hey Josh.
Keys.
- I love you and I always will, but...
It's better that this has happened now.
(soft music)
It's for the best.
(soft music)
- Sam.
(soft music)
(phone ringing)
- It's another beautiful
day in the big smoke.
And what better way to escape the smog
than with a delicious glass of Rose.
And what goes with Rose?
Well let me show you.
We've got chips.
We've got dip.
It's the Holy Trinity, people.
Oh, I enjoyed that so much.
I enjoyed it so much that.
I'm sat here at my fake picnic with no one
pretending to drink this
wine that I don't like.
I'm feeling pretty lonely
because I've just ruined
another one of the very
few real relationships
that I have in my life, but hey,
as long as I get some more likes
and follows, fuck it right?
I mean, buy this wine if you want.
It tastes like shit,
but it's only a fiver.
And if you drink it all in one go,
it might help you forget the fact
that life's actually really hard.
Niall, if by some miracle you're
watching this, I miss you.
I'm sorry.
And I love you.
(soft music)
- [Woman] Welcome to the
stage Niall McCarthy.
(soft music)
- Shit.
(soft music)
- Sam.
(soft music)
Samantha.
(soft music)
Sam.
- [Sam] What?
(soft music)
- I love it.
And I found someone I'm sure about.
Samantha Emily Payne, I want to be a wife
and I want to start a family with you.
Give me one more shot and I
promise I won't let you down.
- I was hoping you'd come back.
- Is that a yes?
- That's a yes.
- Is Mum here?
How do I look?
- Amazing.
I'm really proud of you.
Really proud.
Shall we?
(soft music)
Hey.
- Hi.
- Thanks for coming.
- I'm here for Emmy.
- Still.
Thanks.
- Okay.
- Mum, this is Sam.
Sam, this is my mum.
- Hi.
Mum.
- Let's start with Angela.
- Jesus.
- Well, it's a pleasure
to meet you, Angela.
- You too, Samantha.
You look beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.
- We should do the rounds.
- Oh no, of course.
Yes go.
- I'm sorry I didn't
tell you about Jennifer.
- No, that's okay.
Are you all right?
- Not great.
- Well, if you need some time,
I wouldn't mind the company.
(glass clanking)
- Sam said she didn't want any speeches
because how could you do one
without mentioning the wedding
was cancelled for 48 hours?
- [Sam] Oh, come on.
- And I said I wasn't sure how you could.
It would be the elephant in the room,
so I guess you just have to
mention it straight away.
And she said that would
be so embarrassing.
- [Sam] Yes, it is embarrassing.
- And I said, that's life.
The ones who think it's a fairy tale,
they're the ones that don't last,
but the ones who are honest
and open and vulnerable,
but still fight for the person they love,
they're the ones that stick it out.
And these two will stick it out.
I'm sure of it.
I'm proud of both of you.
To the beautiful couple.
- [Crowd] To the beautiful couple.
(crowd clapping)
- I love you very much.
- [Sam] I love you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh.
I'm all right.
I'm all right.
I wasn't going to, but then he did.
So, that was a lovely speech.
We're family now.
Something that I've come to realise
is that we're all gonna die.
Some of us sooner than others.
- [Emmy] Oh God.
- And sometimes you just think.
What's the point?
What is the fucking point?
You know?
And then you have a day
like today and you realise
that's the point.
You know 'cause if you're lucky enough
to look into somebody's eyes
just once like these two
and know that you know, you're
here and you're not alone.
That's love.
And that's the point.
Cheers.
(upbeat music)
(phone ringing)
(upbeat music)
- [Lily] Hello.
Niall.
(upbeat music)
Niall.
- Hi.
- Jennifer, look, I just wanted to say-
- Look, we've got this
far without any drama
and I'm leaving now anyway.
- No dramas here.
- Can you stop talking to me please, Josh?
- Okay, I just wanted to apologise.
So.
I'm sorry.
(soft music)
- I wanna dance with my wife.
- Oh my wife.
Come on.
- I love you.
Your whisper through
Through love
- Do you wanna dance?
- Do you know what?
I really do.
You are my favourite
creak on the stairs
You are the answer to
my troubled prayers
Oh, oh
Oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
You are the mantra that steals my soul
You are the one that where
burdens take their toll
You are my poetry
Steadfast always
You are my crystal in
the dullest of days
You are my crystal in
the dullest of days
You are my crystal in
the dullest of days
(gentle music)
(soft music)
(dramatic music)
Oh baby
Come on now
Hm hm yeah
Got your love
Out of feeling
Caught your bug
Got the fever
Can't stop thinking
'bout you everyday, no
Hm hm yeah
I'm gonna prove to you girl
I ain't messing wrong with your heart
You'd be my one love
One love, baby
We're together
United, baby
Under one roof
In the house
The house is ours
Girl, I need your
medication for my soul
Give it to me, girl
Gonna be all right
If you say it's okay,
gonna stay all night uh huh
Mm mm mm
Give it to me, girl
Gonna be all right
If you say it's okay,
gonna stay all night
Well
Well, well
- I love the start of relationship.
It's great, isn't it?
It's exciting to see the
other person make an effort.
You're nice to each other.
Hey, how was your day?
The best.
How was yours?
Incredible.
Wanna fuck?
Yes, please.
Cut to a year later.
How was your day?
Fine.
Aren't you gonna can ask how mine was?
How was your day?
Awful.
Not that you give a shit.
- Nice job.
Those eight people seemed
to really enjoy it.
- Yeah, two more than last week.
Word must be spreading.
- No, that was my parents.
- Ah, explains why they were
laughing more at you than me.
- Yeah, that must be it.
Drink?
- Always one step ahead of you.
- Lovely as it isn't here,
I meant out there with the people.
- Not a problem.
In the interest of honesty,
even though it smells a
lot like piss in here,
I find this whole situation a bit sexy.
- Me too.
Now I love the smell of piss (laughs).
Should we kiss or something?
(bright music)
Oh shit, I'm not on piss.
Yeah, I'm definitely not on piss.
(bright music)
Pull up.
Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
Are you all right?
- Sit down.
(bright music)
Okay.
- You go there.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, okay.
- Yeah.
(bright music)
Hang on.
Hang on, sorry.
(bright music)
- Are you-
- Sorry, it's just the coke.
- Just shove it.
- No, no, no.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry.
All right.
Okay, yeah I'm in.
Yeah, I'm good.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah, I'm in.
(hand knocking)
- [Man] Come on, guys.
I know you're in there.
You got five minutes and then
I'm gonna have to open it up.
- Guess I better put my
pissy jeans back on then.
(soft music)
- I really, really
don't wanna go in today.
- Then don't.
Let's just run away together.
- Yes, please.
I'd love that.
- Why don't we?
Why don't we just pack our bags
and take our savings and just leave?
- I think we'd probably
last about three months.
- A year in India.
Maybe more.
- Can we come back for our wedding though?
- We'll get married in Vegas.
- Oh, it's a big trip.
- There's a lot of the world to see.
I can take photos.
We'd live off my commissions.
- I'd be a kept woman.
I like the sound of that.
No more spreadsheets.
- Just silk sheets for you, my lady.
I know how to treat my women.
- Well now, don't.
Don't do that.
I've got morning breath.
- I don't care.
- No, no, no, no, no, seriously.
And also what about
this beautiful creation?
- I don't care about that either.
- No honestly, I haven't got time for it.
I want to eat these.
- [Josh] I think I could
eat Mexican food every day.
Could you eat Mexican food everyday?
- Probably not.
- Yeah, you could.
- Okay.
- Well don't okay me.
If you don't agree, don't agree.
- I already didn't agree.
- Yeah, but not with any real conviction.
- Fine.
Fuck you.
I don't want to eat Mexican food every day
for the rest of my life.
- There's just so much
complexity in the sauce.
Then you got the smokiness from that deep.
- Okay, okay.
I'd eat it everyday.
No, Josh.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
- I don't wanna lose it.
- You said not tonight.
- 30 seconds tops.
It's the hottest shack
in town at the moment.
The spicy goodness that
everyone's talking about
and I'm happy to report
that it does not disappoint.
Done.
I just didn't wanna lose the moment.
- [Jennifer] Well you did.
- [Josh] I didn't mean that moment.
- [Jennifer] You never do.
- [Josh] I got their card.
I'm gonna suggest them to Em
for the wedding for midnight snacks.
You know, we should
really get married soon.
They're already putting us to shame.
Are you gonna propose?
- I'm seeing someone else.
- Do you want to go for
a drink or something?
- No, I'm fine.
- You know, I'd love you
to come and stay with us.
It's just the wedding.
- Don't worry.
- But if you're totally stuck.
(woman groaning)
(hand knocking)
- Fuck.
Stay for a drink.
- No, sorry.
Fun is strictly on hold until the 21st.
- Sam got you on a tight leash.
- Maybe I put myself on the leash.
- I bet you did.
Pervert.
- You are such a child.
Call me if you need anything.
- I will.
- Bye.
- Single origin, Ethiopian
drip coffee from Bean Yard?
Yes, please.
Guys, I have got some very exciting news.
Bad Chef is growing.
We're moving on.
We're moving up.
We're gonna have new adventures.
We're gonna be looking at new premises.
We're gonna be doing guest
spots in different kitchens.
It's gonna be bigger and better than ever.
Also, just between you and me,
I've got a very, very exciting
project in the pipeline.
What?
A TV show?
Well, I couldn't possibly say.
Just stay tuned for more news.
Keep your bad selves good.
Peace.
(soft music)
- [Sam] Hey.
- Hey.
- So I've had a slightly different idea
for who I think maybe a
good first dance song.
- Have you?
- Yes.
Wanna hear?
- Yeah.
(energetic music)
- Jump.
(energetic music)
- Enough, enough, enough, enough.
- Oh, come on.
- No, no.
(energetic music)
I love it.
I'm in.
I want to wear a suit.
- Well you certainly ruined
my bit of a dance moment.
Please.
- I think I do.
- You have a dress.
You have a very expensive
dress that we can't take back.
- Well, I'll wear it to my next wedding.
- I am literally going to
kill you in your sleep.
Are you being serious?
You're a fucking nightmare.
- Oh.
Sam.
- [Photographer] Okay, let's go.
And I'm over here.
Oh, that's it.
Like a sexy tiger.
Growl.
Oh, oh.
And straight down the lens.
Mm mm, that's sexy.
Mm mm mm mm.
And over here.
Follow me, follow me.
Oh yeah.
Oh.
And look over to the right.
Oh, that's beautiful.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
Emmy.
- I think we could go touch softer.
A bit more diffusion.
- [Photographer] I wasn't
asking your opinion.
Why are there no fucking
images on my screen?
- Oh right, sorry.
- [Photographer] Now down this way.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
You're the lady.
I'm a tramp.
You're Princess Diana.
That's it.
- I didn't get a script.
- Oh no, no.
There isn't one.
- Oh, is it for a different job?
- Yeah.
Sitcom.
- Sitcom.
Are you a comedian?
- Not really, no.
- What's it called?
- "Moonshine".
Set in Ireland.
- With English characters?
- No, no.
I'll be putting on an Irish accent.
- Will ya?
- Emmy.
Listen.
I got a queue of people as long as my dick
wanting to take your job.
Now you keep your head
down, your mouth shut,
and you got a chance, but if you ever,
ever give me your opinion again.
Okay?
Good work today.
Who's coming to my hotel room?
(energetic music)
- Josh.
How are you?
- Get here.
You.
- Oh hilarious, Josh (laughs).
- Hilarious.
- Oh, thank you so much for coming in.
- Yeah, thank you.
- And we've got something
absolutely great.
It's great.
- It's great.
- Oh God, sorry.
How rude.
Shit, actually do you mind if I?
Thank you.
Hi, hi.
- And here we go.
Just finishing.
Just got to quickly pop in.
And send.
Send.
Send.
It sent.
Josh.
You look great.
Hilarious.
- Okay.
- You need a coffee or a water?
- I'm fine.
- Or a glass of delicious Rose maybe.
- Right.
- 300 and you only have to do one spot.
- Advertising.
- No, no, no, no, no.
This needs to come from you.
- You want me to endorse this for 300?
- Oh, it's really quite
nice wine, you know.
Here look, have some.
- I don't need to have some.
Did you get a chance to show
the Food Network my pilot?
- Oh.
They loved it.
- Really?
- They will when they watch it.
- Oh, he loves it.
I knew it.
- Yeah.
- Apparently Ukraine is the new Provence.
- Yeah.
- Or so we're told.
Actually probably didn't mention that.
Don't want the fact checking Nazis
spewing all over your feed.
- No, no, no, no.
- So how's the lovely Jennifer?
Hi yeah, can I get a table for six?
Yeah, thank you.
- Oh, it didn't send.
Come on.
- It was great.
Lovely people.
Listen, have you heard of "Moonshine"?
And you showed them my show reel?
Right.
Well maybe I could be proactive
like put something on tape.
Or you can get them down to a gig.
Okay.
Fine, yep.
Okay.
Fancy seeing you here.
- I've only got like 40 minutes,
so I can't make it back to yours.
Plus I stink fish guts.
- What else is new?
No, I thought we could grab
a coffee or a bite to eat.
- What?
Have like a conversation.
People might see us.
- All my other bitches.
I understand.
I get it.
- Oh, well I need to get changed really.
And then by the time we found somewhere,
I'll have to come back.
- No worries.
I was right here.
I thought I might as well pop by.
- I mean you can.
Sorry that sounded-
- No, don't worry about it.
- If you just given me more notice.
- Honestly, it was just, you know.
- Do you wanna share my pastry?
- As tempting as that is, leave you to it.
- It's probably a good decision.
- Cool.
- Cool.
- Cool.
- I still can't believe it, you know.
It's still hard to believe.
- Yeah.
- Do you know what I mean?
- What?
- That she was fucking somebody else.
It's like, I don't know.
Cancer.
Like one of those things you
think will never happen to you.
- I don't think it's like cancer.
- You don't know what it feels like, okay.
It's eating me up inside.
- But not literally.
- The strawberry one.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
- Sam's already ordered the chocolate one.
- Well then what was
the point in asking me?
- Because I think I like
the strawberry one, too.
- Have you spoken to her?
- About the cake?
- No.
You know who I'm talking about.
- Can we not do this?
- Emmy, for fuck's sake.
You're my sister.
- And what did I say
when you got together?
- Watch out.
She's a dirty, filthy whore.
- Can we change the subject please?
- It's just normal now when
people just sleep around.
- How are you, Emmy?
How's the planning going?
Are you freaking out?
Well, thanks so much for asking.
I'm so grateful to have
such a caring older brother.
- Don't change the subject.
- From you, no.
God forbid.
- You know what?
Forget it.
If everything's off limits,
I've got work to do.
- My life's not off limits.
- Well, I'm sorry, but I'm
not in the mood to listen
to your fairytale life at the moment.
- Selfish prick.
- [Josh] Don't forget we've
got lunch tomorrow with mom.
- Fuck.
(soft music)
- [Lily] Hello.
- Looking for this.
Oh, that sounded terrible.
I didn't mean.
I didn't.
I just saw it.
I folded it.
Are you meant to fold skirts?
I don't know.
- Oh.
- Yeah. I'll just give it over.
I'm Josh, by the way.
- Lily.
- Hello, Lily.
- Hello.
- Should we shake hands?
Should I stand up?
I've gotta be honest.
I'm a little bit out of my depth in this.
- I mean, you've seen me in my knickers,
so I guess we can skip the formalities.
- Absolutely.
How was your childhood?
- Traumatic.
- Mine, too.
Cheap Rose?
- Yeah, I really should
continue sneaking out.
- Now that you've got
your clothes back on.
- Yeah.
- Until next time.
- He'll be lucky.
- I bet he will.
Bit creepy.
- See ya.
- Go easy.
- [Lily] Okay.
- Go easy.
(bright music)
Hey.
- Hey.
- Is she here?
- She's inside.
- And you're sure you want me here?
- What?
- I'm just saying does it look
like we've been going behind her back?
- Fuck you.
You said you'd come.
- I'm here.
I'm just checking.
Come on then.
(bright music)
- Hey mum.
- Hi.
You're late.
- No, we're on time.
- Not by my watch.
- Your watch is always fast.
- Semantics.
- Not really.
- You look tired.
- Thanks.
- No, doesn't he?
Are you sleeping?
I thought it was Jennifer
who had the demanding job.
Where is she today?
- Busy.
- I suppose one of you has to be (laughs).
God, you look tired, too.
- This is a lovely greeting, mum.
- I worry about you.
You need to look after one another.
The air in this city is bad.
You'd realise that if you left it
once in a while to come and visit me.
- I appreciate you coming in, mum.
- It was my pleasure, darling.
(camera shutter clicking)
What are you doing?
- [Josh] I'm working.
- Aren't you supposed to be
having lunch with your family?
- Yes Josh, please.
- Speaking of family.
- Oh Jesus.
- No, no, no, listen.
All my friends' children are married
with the second baby on the way.
- Okay.
- What about me, mum?
- What about you?
- Don't you want to see me settle down?
- Oh, you got plenty of time.
Long as you're happy.
- I am happy.
- [Josh] They really are a lovely couple.
- Yes, I understand two people
of the same sex can be a lovely couple.
I do understand that.
I'm not from a different
century, you know.
- We're getting married.
(soft music)
- Sorry, you're what?
- Getting married.
(soft music)
- When?
- In three weeks.
- What?
(soft music)
I've not even met her.
- And whose fault is that?
(soft music)
- Mum.
Mum.
(soft music)
- Well that went well.
- Jennifer's still coming to the wedding.
- What?
- Now seemed as good a time as any.
- Hey, great to hear you're
still coming to the wedding.
Just wanted to call and say hey.
Maybe we should grab a
coffee before the wedding
if you got time just to talk.
Call me back on 077.
I mean, you know it.
You know what it is.
I miss you.
Forget I said that.
Just let's go for coffee.
Okay.
Bye.
Fuck.
- [Emmy] I don't even
think I want her there.
- I think you'll really
regret if she's not.
- You haven't met her.
- I know.
- I know, I'm sorry.
It's ridiculous.
I have tried.
- Maybe we should just ambush her.
- Pop up from behind her sofa.
- Surprise.
I'm having sex with your daughter.
- Occasionally.
- Oy.
- Hopefully she'd have a heart attack.
- Em, don't say that.
That's mean.
- Just a small one.
Make her realise life's too
short to be such a bitch.
- To realise that I'm better
than any man out there.
- God, I hope I don't
inherit her parenting skills.
- Shut up.
You are gonna be a great mommy.
- All right.
One thing at a time.
- Oh, forget it.
I'm not cut out for this.
This is a terrible idea.
- Do you wanna turn up
alone to this wedding?
(bright music)
- Hi.
I'm Josh.
- Mate, she knows you're Josh.
It says right there.
- Okay.
Hi Mia.
Nice to meet you.
- It's too formal.
Keep it light.
- Light, right.
Here's an interesting fact.
- No.
(bright music)
There.
- Now what do I do?
- Just wait.
See if she texts back.
- If?
We had a match.
- That doesn't mean anything.
Her finger might've slipped.
- Oh God, this is stressful.
- It's fine.
There's like 1000 others.
- She's texted.
It is.
How did you know?
- No, no, no.
My work here is done.
- How did I know?
- Use your imagination.
- But-
- No.
I gotta go drink off a hangover.
- Niall.
- [Niall] Good luck.
(soft music)
- Mia.
Red top.
- Yes, hi.
- Balding.
Beard.
- Yeah, I recognise you.
Hello.
- Hello.
- Did you bring all this stuff?
- Oh, it's nothing.
Take a seat, please.
There's a lovely little farmer's market
just around the corner.
- You brought a lot of food.
- So have you come far?
- Not really, no.
Just east.
I live in Bow.
- Great.
Cool.
I've not been.
- Oh, it's fine.
Well, it's okay.
I like it.
- I'm staying with a mate at the moment.
- Oh nice.
In London?
- Forest Hill.
- Oh right.
Forest Hill.
I know Forest Hill.
That's on the-
- East London line.
- East London line, yeah.
- Yeah and the overground
as well actually.
- Right.
That's good.
- Great transport links.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Interesting.
Comte?
- Oh no, thank you.
I don't really like
cheese unless it's melted.
- Oh right.
I've got a pile unfortunately.
- Oh no, I don't mean on its own.
I mean like on a pizza or something.
- No, I was.
Nevermind.
Oh, try some of this.
It's from a tiny little vineyard
on the southern tip of Sicily.
So it's all handpicked single vineyards.
You know, really small production.
No?
- Oh sorry.
Sorry, that's a bit dry for me.
I normally go for something a bit sweeter.
- Oh.
- Sorry, you have that.
I'm okay for wine.
I don't want anything.
- No, no, no problem at all.
- I'm probably gonna-
- No, no, no problem.
- No, honestly I don't need anything.
No, don't open another bottle.
No, no, no.
Please don't.
- Honestly, it's fine.
There you go.
Better?
- Yeah, that's lovely.
Thank you.
So do you use Tinder much?
- I'm probably gonna go actually.
- Okay.
- Sorry.
- No, no.
- It's just.
- Yeah.
- This is a bit (chuckles).
You know.
- Yeah.
- When you know it
yourself, you know just.
- Okay.
- This was really lovely of you.
- Thanks.
- Enjoy your picnic.
Nice to meet you.
- Okay.
Bye.
Okay people, we have comte.
We have washed rind goat's cheese.
We have truffle filled brillat savarin.
(soft music)
This one is nice and balanced.
It's got a good bit of body,
but it's still lovely and fresh,
so you could have it with
the canapes or the chicken.
- And this is?
What did you call it?
White wine?
- It's got a really lovely nose this one.
- You've got a lovely nose.
- Niall, please.
We are wine testing.
- Tasting.
- We are taste testing.
- Shall we just do this by
ourselves, Josh, another time?
- All right, mum and dad,
we'll drink it properly.
- Yeah, like this.
Yum.
- Oh, speaking of mum and dead,
have you decided yet
who's going to be the mum
and who's going to be the dad?
- You are such a prick.
- Aren't we supposed to be
pregnant before we announce it?
- I told them we were looking into it.
I didn't realise it was a secret.
- Well, it's not as easy as
just deciding to do it, Em.
- No, I do realise that.
Thank you, Sam.
I did get a B in GSEC biology.
- Do you like the wine?
- How much is it?
- I can get it for 650 a bottle.
- Then I like it.
- Well, this is the Pinot Noir.
It's a great red for the summer.
- Who's gonna do the school run?
- Both of us.
- So you're gonna leave London?
- If it means getting away from you.
- Oh, I'll find you wherever you go.
That's why I'm such a good friend.
I'm persistent.
- What'd you think of that one?
- Yeah, it's nice.
- Cute little three bed in the suburbs.
Get into the people carrier
for the weekly shopper ad deck.
I can see it now.
- Well we can't just all sit around
playing with our dick all day,
living off advert money
as much as we'd love to.
- Hey, I've got people who
play with my dick for me.
- Gross.
Poor women.
- Yeah, I can't disagree with you there.
- Guys.
- Yes please, I'll have some more.
- No, I don't care what you think.
Emmy.
- I am not a big fan of red wine.
- Well then.
- I think it's good.
I think it's gonna work.
- Do you like to try some dessert ones?
- Anyway, we're not leaving London.
- Well, we're gonna have to at some point.
- We don't have to do anything.
- I'm not talking about tomorrow, Em,
but come on, be practical.
- Since when do you want to leave London?
- Not straight away, but you know
when we have a family we're gonna need to.
- Can we get back to the wine?
- Plenty of people have
cooped here before.
- I'm not talking about
the Outer Hebrides.
- I was only joking.
I'm sure it's lovely.
- Fuck off, Niall.
No one cares what you think.
- Do you know what?
Forget it.
Forget it.
The wine's there.
The price list is there.
Just text me which ones you want.
- Josh.
What's wrong with him?
(bright music)
What?
- You're totally out of order.
- Oh, fuck you.
- See, we live in a technological time.
Nothing has ever moved so fast.
Hover boards done.
Next.
Driverless cars done.
Next.
AI sex dolls done.
Can I have one please?
- Hey, Niall.
Thanks for tonight.
- Pleasure.
How did your set go?
- Tough crowd I thought.
- Yeah.
Starting to wonder if it's the crowd.
Was your mate from United then?
- She couldn't make it.
Your cut.
Sorry it's not more.
- Hey, it's another drink.
- [Woman] Night.
- Night.
(soft music)
- Night.
(soft music)
- Guys, I realise it's
not the most complex thing
in the world but ask yourself this.
Do I want the perfectly
fried cheese sandwich?
Well do you?
- Yeah.
- Shit.
- Well don't stop.
I wanna know how to make
the perfect sandwich.
- It's cheese and bread.
- Keep your bad selves good.
- Oh God, you've seen the site.
- Yeah, it's great.
It's high energy.
- What do you mean?
I'm totally just being myself.
Hanging out, eating food,
and generally having
much more fun than you.
Subscribe here.
- I already did.
- I thought better of you.
- I did it out of pity.
- Well now in that case, drink.
- Yeah, I probably should
sneak out before he wakes up
and wonders why I'm still here.
- Yeah.
Gotta keep one step ahead.
- Exactly.
- So what did you think really?
- I think you've got excellent taste.
- Even to food?
- I'm the sous chef at 13 Taylor Street.
- No.
I love that place.
- Yeah, I know.
I saw.
- We should do a video together.
- Definitely not.
- Okay.
- Well.
- Are you going to his gig next week?
- Not that I know of.
- You should come.
He's got industry and so
he needs friendly faces.
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure
he would have invited me
if he wanted me there.
- Well come and keep me company then.
I was supposed to be going
with my partner of five years,
but she's busy sucking another man's cock.
- Here.
Text me the details.
Peace.
- Peace.
(patrons chattering)
(energetic music)
- [Emmy] Sorry.
- Who are you?
- [Emmy] Sorry.
- Are you like a photographer or what?
- [Emmy] I am, yeah.
- She's holding a camera
and taking photos.
- Oh, come on, I know.
I meant like professionally
or like instead of a pervert?
- You a pervert?
- I guess I am a bit, yeah.
- Oh good then.
Otherwise I would have put acid on you.
So come in.
Join in.
- Oh, do you mind if I take
another picture of you?
Can you get together?
- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
(patrons chattering)
(bright music)
- [Sam] Hey.
- Sh, you'll wake Sam.
- Where you've been?
- Looking.
- Stop.
So I sent the playlist to the minister
and the stands are being delivered
between 10 and three tomorrow,
so I need you to be in all right.
Stop.
I'm going to bed.
- Hey, hey.
I've got a secret to tell you.
- What you want?
- Come, come, come, come, come.
I've got a secret.
- Go on then.
What is it?
- I wanna fuck you.
- Bet you do, drunkie.
Oh.
You absolutely stink.
- Oh.
Come on, Sam.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
(bright music)
- [Sam] Ow.
- Get up, bitch.
- [Sam] No.
I actually think I've
cut myself or something.
I'm bleeding.
- Yeah, you are.
- [Sam] Seriously, I'm bleeding.
- Oh fuck.
- Ow.
- Let me see, let me see.
You're bleeding.
- Yes.
- Oh.
- Stay there.
Let me go and sort myself.
- I'll help.
- No, just stay.
Jesus.
(soft music)
(water splashing)
Oh God.
(soft music)
Yeah.
Em.
(soft music)
Fucking kidding me.
- Duncan.
- Hey, Niall.
Great to see you.
- Thanks for coming.
- Of course.
When are you on?
- Third.
It's only 10 minutes.
- 10 minutes is perfect.
Is it funny?
- What?
- I'm joking.
Maybe I should be up on the stage.
- Right.
Yeah, is she coming?
- Yes, she'll be here.
- Great.
I'll see you after for drink.
Hello, mate.
- Hey.
This place is nice.
- Yeah, it's okay.
- How you feeling?
- Nervous.
- We'll laugh extra loud.
- We?
Is Emmy coming?
- No, she's got wedding stuff.
Lily.
- Why is Lily coming?
- I told her about it.
I thought she'd tell you.
- No.
No, she didn't.
- She'll be here soon.
- Fuck.
Okay.
I gotta go get ready.
- Okay.
Good luck, mate.
(bright music)
Hi mate, I've just come back from holiday.
I caught this over.
I'm like okay great thanks.
Yeah, yeah, here we go.
Just like act like I know him.
He's actually a nice guy.
He actually knows some of my friends.
- Okay next up for your delectations,
all the way from the Emerald
Isle via Forest Hill.
It's Niall McCarthy.
Woo, woo, woo.
(audience clapping)
- Hello, hello.
Hello.
Hello.
I only had two wanks today
in case you were wondering.
He looks surprised.
I know it's good self restraint, hey.
Hey, what about you?
How many wanks you had?
None.
Is that your girlfriend?
Sure.
None.
He doesn't do that sort of thing.
I do have sex, too.
Before you ask, there are women
who will have sex with me.
Rarely more than once
granted, but there are women.
I just struggle with the
whole relationship concept.
Like how do you hold down a relationship?
I'm actually asking you.
How do you do it?
How do you hold down a relationship?
Yeah.
Relationships.
It can be very distracting.
Wanking, relationships, cats.
Cats obviously.
And we're back.
She didn't look impressed.
Fuck, that was terrible.
- No, it wasn't.
- It was funny.
- Why was nobody laughing then?
- They were.
It was great.
- I'm sweating.
I forgot my place like three times.
I need another drink.
Drink?
- Yeah.
- I should probably head off.
I'm in early tomorrow.
- [Niall] Okay.
- All right.
See you then.
- [Niall] Yep.
- Bye Josh.
- See ya.
- What the fuck?
- What?
- What are you doing inviting
her and not telling me?
- I presumed she'd tell you.
- Well, she didn't.
Do you know why?
'Cause she's not my girlfriend.
- I'd say she's pretty aware of that.
- Just do me a favour.
Next time you bump into a
random girl in the corridor,
don't invite her to one of
my gigs without telling me.
Okay?
- Understood.
- Or better still move out and
you won't bump into anyone.
- I'm looking.
Jesus.
- I'm gonna go get drunk
with some comedians.
You probably won't like but
you can come if you want.
- As tempting as that sounds-
- Fine.
See you at home.
(upbeat music)
Hey.
- Hey.
Good night?
- Not really.
What you doing?
- Just looking at places to rent.
- Don't be an idiot.
I was drunk and stressed.
Close that down.
- Done.
- The white chapel fertility clinic.
- [Sam] Yeah.
Tash from work gave it to me.
- What's Tash doing giving
you a brochure on fertility?
- Well, I think her and Kevin used it.
- Well, we wanna stay
away from there then.
Ethan's a right little shit.
- Babe, you've met him once.
- He squeezed a fresh
raspberry into my dress.
- Yes and he's 18 months old.
- Exactly.
He should know better.
He's lucky I didn't kick him in the head.
- Well I'm sure Tash
appreciates your restraint.
- She's lucky I didn't
kick her in the head.
I thought we decided to
wait 'til after the wedding.
- Yeah, we did.
- So you're allowed to
talk to people from work,
but I'm not allowed to talk to Niall.
- I didn't say you couldn't speak to him.
Plus, Tash is an actual adult.
- Well, here's hoping
I don't grow up then.
- What's your problem with Tash?
- Nothing.
She's just boring.
It's nothing personal.
- Do you know what?
Whatever.
- That's a bit dramatic.
- Please don't forget
that we've got a meeting
with minister tomorrow, so.
And.
Yeah, whatever.
I'll see you then.
- Can't wait.
I'm joking.
Lighten up.
(soft music)
- [Josh] What are you doing here?
- That's a lovely greeting.
- [Josh] I've been learning from mum.
You look nice.
- Don't I?
- Tea?
- Beer, gin.
- Now we're talking.
- Is everything all right?
- Everything's fine.
I just need a night out.
- [Niall] Yes.
- And I need you to text Sam
and tell her you're taking
me on a surprise stag.
- Stag?
No.
This is the hen do.
- Fuck you.
I can be a stag.
- Yeah, sure you could.
- Fine.
Then we're all hens.
I don't give a shit as
long as there's booze.
- I've always wanted to kind of hen do.
- Just give me a couple of hours.
I've just to finish some work first.
All right, fine, but don't blame me
when I haven't got
enough money to move out.
Let's get pissed.
Do you remember Tina
Georgeson from school?
- Yeah, why?
- Well, I bumped into her
the other day and she-
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
All right, if this is a sendoff.
- I'm not immigrating.
- You might as well be.
We need to do this properly.
- Oh shit.
- That is not the
reaction I was hoping for.
- I'm just not sure I'm in the right.
(soft music)
Fine.
- See you on the other side.
(soft music)
Here we go.
Now that
Now that
Oh oh oh oh
Now that
Oh oh
Now that
Oh oh oh oh
Now that
Oh oh
- You guys are my best friends
and I don't tell you enough.
- Are we now?
- My beautiful men.
- Am I gonna be all right?
Do you think I'm gonna be all right?
Do you think I'll be on my own forever?
- What are you talking about?
I'm jealous of you guys.
You guys have freedom.
- I don't want it.
- I wouldn't be in such
a rush to settle down.
I'm telling you.
Your life suddenly speeds up
and then all you have to look
forward to is retirement.
My career hasn't even started yet.
- We're getting old.
- Let's dance.
Now that
Oh oh oh oh
Now that
Oh oh
Now that
Oh oh oh
(soft music)
- This is me.
- Goodnight.
- Yeah.
Josh, you okay?
- Yeah, good.
Yeah.
- See you.
- See you.
- Okay.
(soft music)
- [Niall] Night.
- [Josh] Night.
(soft music)
- Sam.
Sam.
(soft music)
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
(soft music)
(heartbeat pounding)
- Hey.
- This is my, well, going to be.
Emmy.
- Nice to meet you.
- Are you all right, love?
- Yup.
- So yeah, I was just
saying that we wanted
to maybe put something
different up on the wall so.
Not this kind of thing.
We.
You a bit hot?
Did you just run here?
Are you all right?
Yeah, it is quite warm today.
But yeah.
You all right, love?
- [Emmy] Shit.
- Sorry, one second.
Babe.
Okay.
Look.
Let me help you.
- [Emmy] No.
Get out.
- Please, can you just let me help you?
- Your text was a nice surprise.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
I got the leftovers.
- Yeah, but the leftovers
always taste better.
Do you wanna drink?
- Do you?
- The only way I'm gonna survive.
- Well, if I'm helping you.
- There's beers in the fridge.
- Unbelievable.
(soft music)
Yeah.
Fuck.
Yeah.
- You're so beautiful.
- What are you doing?
- What do you mean?
- I thought you were gonna cry.
- No, I'm just happy.
- Yeah.
Come on.
What?
- What?
- Why are you looking at me like that?
- What?
I can't look at you now?
- Well you can, but just not
with those puppy dog eyes.
- I'm admiring you.
- Yeah, well I don't want to be admired.
I wanna be fucked.
- Fine.
- Ow.
- You just said.
- Yeah, well not now.
Mood's gone.
(bright music)
Just took me by surprise.
- That I wanted to look at you?
- You wanted to look at me like that.
- And what if I did want
to look at you like that?
- You're on a come down.
- I want you to come to
the wedding as my date.
I want you to be my plus one.
- Can we do this another time?
- Not really.
It's next week.
- Look, just sober up and
straighten out what you want
and then we can talk.
- I know what I want.
- No, you don't.
You're a mess.
- I want you.
- I've gotta go.
- Lily.
- [Lily] Yeah, we'll speak soon.
(bright music)
(couple groaning)
(bright music)
- What the fuck?
- Goddamn.
What are you doing here?
- Seriously.
- Get out.
- Sorry.
- Get out.
- This is awkward.
- Fucking get out, Josh.
Get out.
- You could've rung the doorbell.
- Please get out.
- Come on, Josh.
- My God, my God, my God.
(soft music)
- Lay down.
Those fucking boys.
You need some water.
I'm gonna get you some water.
- Can you stop?
- [Sam] Stop what?
I'm just trying to help here.
- Yes, exactly.
- [Sam] Okay, so you turn
up late to our rehearsal
looking like a mess puke
everywhere and I'm the bad guy.
- No, I am.
That's the point.
- [Sam] What's the point?
- Can you stop being so fucking
rational and understanding?
- [Sam] Well somebody's gotta be, Em.
You're all over the place at the moment.
- Can you just leave it, Sam?
- [Sam] No, actually, no.
I want to talk about it.
- Well, I don't.
- What is wrong with you at the moment?
- I just threw up at our rehearsal.
We didn't even make it to our rehearsal.
- Yeah, I do know.
I was there.
- Then why aren't you angry?
- So you're angry with
me for not being angry?
- No.
- Then what?
- Where's the passion?
This is our life.
This is our wedding day.
Where's the passion?
- Do you know what?
I don't even.
I don't know how to answer you
because you're not making any sense.
Do you know what I think?
Just go and get some sleep.
- No, you said you
wanted to talk about it.
- Yeah, but you're acting like a kid.
- I know.
I know I am because I am sick
of acting like a grownup.
It's boring.
- What, so I'm boring?
- Not you, us.
I didn't mean.
I just mean I haven't
achieved what I wanted
and everything's speeding up.
- You're living in a fantasy world, Em.
Life isn't all roller coasters
and the holidays, you know.
Sometimes things are hard
and you have to put a
little bit of effort in.
- Well, it feels all effort.
- All effort?
You haven't done anything.
I've organised this
entire wedding on my own.
And you only work three
days a bloody week.
I found the venue.
I booked the caterers.
I ordered the flowers.
- Maybe that's exactly why
it feels like an effort
because it's not our wedding.
It's yours.
- Nothing would get
done if I didn't do it.
- Something would get done.
It just wouldn't always
be totally predictable.
I don't want my life planned out for me.
I don't want to be a
cog in your grand plan.
The wife stuck at home with the kids.
The perfect example of
just how normal we are.
We're so fucking normal.
We're boring.
I don't want a bracket.
I don't want a seven
seater in the suburbs.
It's not me.
I'm not ready.
I'm not ready for it.
I'm not ready to be old.
(patrons chattering)
- [Lily] Hello.
- Hey.
- [Lily] Hello.
Is Niall in?
- No, but come in.
- [Lily] Sure?
- No, wait outside.
Yes, obviously.
Come in.
(soft music)
That seems normal, right?
I think pretty sane.
- Definitely.
I mean, who hasn't broken
into their ex's house
to watch them have sex?
- Don't say it like that.
- Like what?
Like how it happened?
This wine is awful.
- Isn't it?
All right, pass it here.
Right, I've got a bottle
of Dominique Laurent,
clos de la roche 2005 from
Jennifer's dad's seller.
Rich prick, but he has got taste.
I'll give him that.
(upbeat music)
Right, okay.
Okay, okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Don't drink anymore.
Right, okay.
Right.
Wait there.
- No.
- Yes.
- I literally know nothing about wine.
- Just don't overthink it.
Right, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Okay.
Hello, I'm back with my
lovely friend Lily here
and we are drinking a
bottle of Dominique Laurent
clos de la roche 2005.
Just as good with a hearty chicken dish
as a lamb cutlet or if
you're a terrible lush
like my friend Lily here, just on its own.
And here is our review.
- Pretty good.
- It's pretty good, people.
You heard it here first.
Now get out of here.
- Keep your bad selves good.
- Peace.
That was great.
You're a natural.
We should do more stuff together.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
(bright music)
Oh shit.
(energetic music)
(bright music)
- [Lily] Oh shit.
- You okay?
(bright music)
- Here.
(bright music)
- This is.
This is getting out.
(bright music)
(door slamming)
Fucking shit.
- You kidding.
You fucking kidding.
- I came to sit.
We're really drunk.
This is stupid.
We're really drunk.
- That wasn't even on.
- Fuck this.
I don't know why I'm leaving.
Get out both of you.
- [Josh] Look, mate.
I just want to-
- I'm not interested.
Get out now.
(energetic music)
One two three four
- [Emmy] Babe.
(soft music)
No.
No.
No, no, no.
No.
(soft music)
No.
(soft music)
- Come on.
Hey, I'm outside your house.
Where are you?
Oh.
I guess we're both officially
back on the market then.
- I need to speak to Sam.
(phone ringing)
- Give me some good news, please.
- [Woman] Okay, I will.
Tim Rose loved the last piece.
Absolutely loved it.
They want exactly the same thing ASAP.
This time with Kristen Dict.
- What about the food network?
- [Woman] Oh, they did pass on this one.
But listen, Hampton Rose are gonna
chuck in an extra 50 pounds.
Okay, gotta go.
Ciao, ciao.
(doorbell ringing)
- Hey, Em.
- Hi.
Is she in?
- I'll go and check for you.
I'm sorry, Em.
Now's not a good time.
- It's okay.
I'll wait.
- I'm not sure she's ready to talk.
- That's okay.
- Right.
Well, I'm probably gonna
close the door now.
- Okay.
- Bye.
(soft music)
- I've cancelled the wedding, Em.
Look, I'm sorry, but I
think it's for the best.
- Can you open the door?
- [Sam] I can't see you right now.
- Please, Sam.
(soft music)
- I've been thinking about what you said
and I think that you might be right.
Actually-
- I wasn't right.
I was doing what I always do,
which is run away when things scare me.
I spent my whole life being scared.
I've never had an exhibition.
I don't own my own house.
I never ran a marathon.
I can barely look after my own finances,
but this is the thing I'm most proud of
and I'm not about to let a
bit of fear get between us.
- [Niall] Jesus, Josh, what the fuck?
- Hey man.
- What are you doing here?
- I let myself in.
- Yeah, you don't live here anymore.
- They're not gonna commission my series.
- I don't give a shit.
- Didn't want to talk to anyone else.
- [Niall] You need to go now.
- No.
- What?
- I said no.
I love you.
- But you're wasted and
I'm not in the mood.
- Hit me.
- Give me a break.
- Come on.
Hit me.
Oh.
Fuck.
Not in the balls.
In the face.
I meant hit me in the face.
Aw.
Jesus.
That hurt even more.
Look, I like her, okay.
It's not meant to be an excuse.
I'm just trying to be honest.
I like her.
- Yeah.
Me too.
- You like her?
Fuck.
I'm such an idiot.
- Apparently she likes you.
- No, no she doesn't.
She just.
She just thinks you're not interested.
Okay?
We were drunk.
It didn't mean anything.
- You just said you liked her.
- Can I take you for a drink?
- I don't think so.
- Do you want me to go?
- Yeah.
Hey Josh.
Keys.
- I love you and I always will, but...
It's better that this has happened now.
(soft music)
It's for the best.
(soft music)
- Sam.
(soft music)
(phone ringing)
- It's another beautiful
day in the big smoke.
And what better way to escape the smog
than with a delicious glass of Rose.
And what goes with Rose?
Well let me show you.
We've got chips.
We've got dip.
It's the Holy Trinity, people.
Oh, I enjoyed that so much.
I enjoyed it so much that.
I'm sat here at my fake picnic with no one
pretending to drink this
wine that I don't like.
I'm feeling pretty lonely
because I've just ruined
another one of the very
few real relationships
that I have in my life, but hey,
as long as I get some more likes
and follows, fuck it right?
I mean, buy this wine if you want.
It tastes like shit,
but it's only a fiver.
And if you drink it all in one go,
it might help you forget the fact
that life's actually really hard.
Niall, if by some miracle you're
watching this, I miss you.
I'm sorry.
And I love you.
(soft music)
- [Woman] Welcome to the
stage Niall McCarthy.
(soft music)
- Shit.
(soft music)
- Sam.
(soft music)
Samantha.
(soft music)
Sam.
- [Sam] What?
(soft music)
- I love it.
And I found someone I'm sure about.
Samantha Emily Payne, I want to be a wife
and I want to start a family with you.
Give me one more shot and I
promise I won't let you down.
- I was hoping you'd come back.
- Is that a yes?
- That's a yes.
- Is Mum here?
How do I look?
- Amazing.
I'm really proud of you.
Really proud.
Shall we?
(soft music)
Hey.
- Hi.
- Thanks for coming.
- I'm here for Emmy.
- Still.
Thanks.
- Okay.
- Mum, this is Sam.
Sam, this is my mum.
- Hi.
Mum.
- Let's start with Angela.
- Jesus.
- Well, it's a pleasure
to meet you, Angela.
- You too, Samantha.
You look beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.
- We should do the rounds.
- Oh no, of course.
Yes go.
- I'm sorry I didn't
tell you about Jennifer.
- No, that's okay.
Are you all right?
- Not great.
- Well, if you need some time,
I wouldn't mind the company.
(glass clanking)
- Sam said she didn't want any speeches
because how could you do one
without mentioning the wedding
was cancelled for 48 hours?
- [Sam] Oh, come on.
- And I said I wasn't sure how you could.
It would be the elephant in the room,
so I guess you just have to
mention it straight away.
And she said that would
be so embarrassing.
- [Sam] Yes, it is embarrassing.
- And I said, that's life.
The ones who think it's a fairy tale,
they're the ones that don't last,
but the ones who are honest
and open and vulnerable,
but still fight for the person they love,
they're the ones that stick it out.
And these two will stick it out.
I'm sure of it.
I'm proud of both of you.
To the beautiful couple.
- [Crowd] To the beautiful couple.
(crowd clapping)
- I love you very much.
- [Sam] I love you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh.
I'm all right.
I'm all right.
I wasn't going to, but then he did.
So, that was a lovely speech.
We're family now.
Something that I've come to realise
is that we're all gonna die.
Some of us sooner than others.
- [Emmy] Oh God.
- And sometimes you just think.
What's the point?
What is the fucking point?
You know?
And then you have a day
like today and you realise
that's the point.
You know 'cause if you're lucky enough
to look into somebody's eyes
just once like these two
and know that you know, you're
here and you're not alone.
That's love.
And that's the point.
Cheers.
(upbeat music)
(phone ringing)
(upbeat music)
- [Lily] Hello.
Niall.
(upbeat music)
Niall.
- Hi.
- Jennifer, look, I just wanted to say-
- Look, we've got this
far without any drama
and I'm leaving now anyway.
- No dramas here.
- Can you stop talking to me please, Josh?
- Okay, I just wanted to apologise.
So.
I'm sorry.
(soft music)
- I wanna dance with my wife.
- Oh my wife.
Come on.
- I love you.
Your whisper through
Through love
- Do you wanna dance?
- Do you know what?
I really do.
You are my favourite
creak on the stairs
You are the answer to
my troubled prayers
Oh, oh
Oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
You are the mantra that steals my soul
You are the one that where
burdens take their toll
You are my poetry
Steadfast always
You are my crystal in
the dullest of days
You are my crystal in
the dullest of days
You are my crystal in
the dullest of days
(gentle music)