Match Me If You Can (2023) Movie Script
1
[faint raspy breathing]
[soft growling]
-[gasps]
-Oh! Cripes.
[whispering]
Sorry.
[man]
We have to circle round.
Approach the escalator
from the east.
Remember what's at the top
of that escalator?
Abercrombie.
Where they breed them.
Okay...
We're gonna run
to the brick wall,
and then we're gonna
get on the escalator.
That's risky.
We'll be trapped.
Hey, dudes, dudes, um,
what's our position on online
matchmakers instead of the apps?
-Get over here.
-Bitch, please.
My mother wants to sign me up.
She's desperate.
Guys, can we please
talk about this
when no one is trying
to kill us?
Dating algorithms
are basically meaningless.
There was a 2012 paper
published by
Northwestern University
that basically eviscerates
-the very concept--
-Meta.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Are we ready?
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Great. Let's go.
[snarling]
-Abort. Abort.
-Oh, bad choice, bad choice.
Abort. Abort.
Take as many
as you can with you.
-Gentlemen, it's been an honor.
-[zombies groaning]
Say hello to my little friend.
Oh, bugger.
[Kip]
Ugh.
[groaning softly]
Next time, we need more people.
[man]
That all you got, Dumbledork?
Come on.
Where are your Hobbitses now,
Gandalf?
Dan?
Kip.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-How's it going?
-Oh, shit.
Is that the same Dan
that ghosted you last week?
[whispers]
It doesn't matter.
[LB]
Yes, it does. It's rude.
Okay, okay, you're right.
I should have texted.
But get this, our second date,
she asks,
"Outside of the Marvel Universe,
who could pick up
Thor's hammer?"
[laughs]
I mean, come on.
Next date you go on
with a guy,
maybe keep that weirdness
tucked away a little bit better.
-You know?
-Hey. You are dismissed.
Fine. Whatever.
[Dan scoffs]
-Come on, Zoe.
-Data.
What?
Data from The Next Generation.
He could lift Thor's hammer.
Yes! Also, Ted Lasso,
but he'd do it by accident.
-[laughs]
-[Meta] Please.
Two words: Superman.
And Betty White.
Neville Longbottom.
[Meta]
Ah.
Not worth it.
I feel sort of bad
killing you now.
Oh, no, that's okay.
Death sounds pretty good
right now.
All right then.
[snarls]
Turn it up, turn it up
Turn it up
Turn it up
Turn it up, turn it up
Drink it up, shake it up
To the sound
Shake it on down
Break it on down
Turn it up and down
If you want to
Turn it inside out
If you need to
Turn it up, turn it up
Turn it up
Turn it up
Turn it up, turn it up
Break it down
Listen to the bass, man
He don't say much
But when he does
Give a listen
Boom, boom, boom, boom
Change it up
So we don't get sued
[all whoop and laugh]
[clears throat]
[music turned off]
[man] Yeah, buddy!
Thank you. Thank you.
But the real thanks
goes to my family,
who never, ever learned
how to knock.
-Hey, hey, do "Wonderwall."
-[all laugh]
Oh.
Here.
Thanks, Mom.
-Sweetie.
-Okay, Mom...
You cannot keep doing
these all-nighters.
I know, I know.
But you should
have seen the numbers.
We doubled our users
in the last month.
Well, then it's time
to hire someone.
And it has to be from
outside the family this time,
since Sarah's the only one
that doesn't work for you yet.
Mom, I get it,
and I will...
I'll think about it.
Okay, well, it's...
It's not just you
I'm worried about.
If you slip up,
the entire company
is at risk.
I get it.
Okay. I'm going.
Thank you for the coffee.
[Ivy] Sure.
[typing]
[panting]
[man, on TV] I got so tired
of swiping left, left, left.
[woman, on TV] Those other apps
are all based on looks.
[Kip]
Jones.
I created for you a bride.
And we shall give it life!
-[laughs]
-[woman] His sense of humor.
[man]
Her plans and dreams.
[woman] When you answer
the app questions,
you really think about
who you are.
Your soulmate is out there.
I promise.
[Kip]
Hey, Jones.
Your grape is out there.
I promise.
My soulmate, however,
apparently got lost.
Although, if he really is
my soulmate,
his watch would be synced
to the atomic clock.
Bye, Jones.
[Kip reading onscreen text]
[Kip] At least you didn't
have to deal with dating apps,
where, I swear,
every third photo
is some guy posing
with a fish he just caught.
"I'd like to believe
there was someone special
in your life once.
And I'll find someone too.
But maybe I'm just
old-fashioned
and the world doesn't work
like that anymore."
You're okay that I blog
about you sometimes?
You'd tell me, right?
Oh. Check this out.
I made it for you.
[motor whirring]
I got to get my bus.
See you.
All I'm saying is,
guys figure there's something
wrong with the other person,
While women assume there's
something wrong with us.
No, I pretty much always assume
that I'm the problem.
Yeah, well, in your case,
you'd be right.
[LB] Hey, you know
what'd be awkward?
If one of these guys
reads about himself on
your blog.
I have, like, three readers,
and two of them are my mother.
Dude, I read it.
Don't read my blog, you creeper.
Then don't put it
on the Internet.
[Marco laughing]
Ugh, Marco alert.
Banking in, port side.
[Sanjay]
Marco's a douche.
I can't believe they hired him
instead of promoting you.
I can. They were never
gonna promote me.
Why not?
Uh, women's intuition.
Years of watching men like Marco
take credit for my work.
-There's a word for that.
-Patriarchy?
I was thinking "dick,"
but sure.
[imitating knock]
-Interrupting?
-No. What's up?
I need your help
with the Gemco presentation.
Oh, you want me to run through
the technical content?
[snorts]
No.
I've got all that covered.
Presentation itself is superb.
Are you sure?
It's pretty advanced.
I mean, the processing
requirements alone--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you womansplaining this
to me?
-Uh...
-That's not very woke, Kip.
Am I right, guys?
[Marco laughs]
[toy squawks]
Look, I just need you
to fix a virus on my laptop.
Must have been infected
by a competitor
trying to sabotage us.
But we can't fix it here,
because I can't risk
contaminating the network.
So I need you to fix it tonight
from home.
I would do it myself,
but I've got a date.
Ooh!
Okay?
Superb.
Well, I might have plans
tonight too.
[snorts]
God, you're hilarious.
Boop!
Yeah.
[Kip sighs]
Dickhead.
Stain.
Such a cretin.
-[snarling]
-[Riley] Hey.
Ready? Ready?
You ready? You ready?
But seriously,
how are you still coding
all of I Promise by yourself?
Well, it's easy, I just,
you know, survive on popcorn,
I sleep at my desk,
and my application
for the monastery
just arrived in the mail,
so, hey!
[laughs]
Honestly, volunteering here
is the only time
I actually get outside.
Well, when you're hiring,
you know how to find me.
Thank you.
[laughs]
Oh, I thanked you.
I know a porn virus
when I see one, you sleaze.
Uh... yup!
Hmm. See?
I am superb, Jones.
And how about I put
a little picture
of your gross search history
in the middle
of your presentation, Marco?
How superb would I be then?
[Kip sighs]
"I hope Mr. Lawn Chair Man
talks..."
Oh, that's nice.
"Come to church with us.
There's so many nice men"?
God, Mom.
"Is your poppy floppy?"
Gross.
Hmm.
Hmm. What do you think, Jones?
Yeah.
That's a really bad idea.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Ugh.
Huh. "Would you share your
toothbrush with your lover?"
Uh...
I know where his mouth has been.
-No.
-[punches mouse buttons]
"Are you a good dancer?"
Seriously?
That's the second-most
important thing to catalog?
"Have you ever had sex
in public..."
Who are these people, Jones?
It's disgusting.
Hey, Jones, three no's.
It's like a drinking game.
"Have you been to a bar
this week?" No.
"Do you kill spiders
rather than carry them outside?"
Never.
Number 14. "Your romantic
partner is bitten by a zombie."
Head shot immediately.
"Would you rather
vomit on your hero
or have your hero
vomit on you?"
On me. On me.
244: Nude beach.
Sure.
"Have you, uh...
ever...
Have you ever
been skinny...
skinny dipping?"
[mouse button clicks]
[Dirk]
Question 500:
Who ended your last
relationship?
Don't lie to me.
I hate you.
Congratulations.
Your matches will be sent
within 24 hours.
[cell phone vibrating]
[groans]
-What?
-[Meta] Where the hell are you?
Rideshare's on the way.
-Mom?
-Yeah, it's your mom.
Marco's Gemco presentation
starts in 20--
Correction, 19 minutes,
and you have his laptop.
You're not his favorite person
right now.
He's sniffing around your desk
like a rabid skunk.
A driver's gonna be there
in one minute.
Get down there now.
Where is she?
Yeah, yeah.
She's always late on Tuesdays.
It's her day to babysit
during morning Mass.
[laughs nervously]
Bring it right over. I'll stall.
Yeah. No problem.
[elevator dings]
Make a hole!
Oh!
[exhales]
[whispering]
You are in control. Right?
You are a goddess.
He is nothing.
He's a pimple on the butt
of a big baboon. Nothing.
[Marco]
Now I'm not just saying this
to blow smoke up your behinds,
but the new build truly is
one of a kind.
So, once we incorporate
the new code,
we will have the fastest product
on the market.
And with that processing speed,
your ROI will be superb.
Get the lights.
[sighs]
He is so gonna write me up.
No. You were terrific in there.
Seriously, guys,
I don't know how to thank you.
You can start
by brushing your teeth.
-Damn, girl.
-And you have keyboard scars.
Guys, really?
She's also got her T-shirt on
back to front,
but she's still the best.
Good night, Kip.
Jeopardy!
Tournament of Champions?
Yup. And Shirley's making tacos.
Ugh, you're living the dream,
Meta.
I am. I am.
[laughs]
Oh, hey, Marco.
How'd the presentation go?
Superb!
No thanks to you.
[Meta] Inside voice, Marco.
Inside voice.
Right.
[imitating Marco]
No thanks to you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
I'm superb.
[in normal voice]
Oh, really?
So your smut virus
just healed itself, did it?
Great.
[computer chimes]
Oh.
Hmm.
No.
Okay.
[mouse wheel clicks]
A dog?
That's it right there.
That's the moment
I had my epiphany.
Every time I get ghosted,
Meta says there's nothing
wrong with me.
But it's pretty hard
to maintain that position
when a whole-ass
matchmaking site
rejects you as unmatchable.
There were always signs.
I mean, I played with Barbies.
I just accessorized
differently.
Oh, my God.
You're so weird.
[Kip] I had a sweet 16,
like everyone else.
Mostly.
Thank you!
Who wants to play D&D?
I know I'm not a real woman.
My shoes don't hurt.
I like math.
I couldn't flirt if I tried.
And for me, dressing up means
putting on mascara.
Everything in my life
has told me that's not enough.
That I'm not enough.
But I guess I never really
believed it before.
In their huge database,
there wasn't one guy
who might like me?
Really? Not one?
Statistically,
is that even possible?
"Read this blog."
I don't know how to fix this
without pretending
to be someone I'm not.
Hmm. It's nice.
I feel seen.
And look, I have a good job.
A nice apartment.
I take my own trash out.
I know how to use a plunger
and a comprehensive
set of power tools.
Hell, yeah, we do.
I don't need a man.
It's just that maybe,
every now and then,
I'd like to reach out
and find someone there.
Reaching back.
I don't care what
the I Promise people say.
There is someone
out there for me.
For all of us unmatchables.
I promise.
Hey.
And don't you forget it.
[laughs]
-[barks]
-Whoa, whoa. Quiet down.
[scoffs]
Wrong brother, Bonus.
All hair and grooming questions
go to David and me.
Have I taught you nothing?
Dad told me
why you call me that.
It's a term of endearment.
Everyone loves a surprise.
[laughs]
And the parentals wonder why
you're still single.
She's doing my nails later.
Hmm. That's not all
we're doing later.
Hey!
There we go.
A blog?
Who still blogs anymore?
Just read it.
[Kip]
This is unreal.
My blog has, like,
20 comments.
I usually have,
like, two.
"Thanks, Kip,
for speaking for me."
"I could have written this."
"I'm crying as I write this."
Oh, wow. It's up to 32 now.
Look.
[imitating Scooby-Doo]
Ruh-roh.
["Scouting for Girls"
by Famous playing]
Staying in again
On a Saturday night
I'm gonna settle on the sofa
And turn down the lights
I got 900 channels
But there's nothing to see
No wonder everybody thinks
They should be on TV
Oh
We all want to be famous
Oh
And be a face on the screen
Oh
Read our name in the papers
Oh
Everybody wants to be on TV
Oh
Oh-oh
Oh
Oh-oh
Oh
Oh-oh
We all want
We want to be famous
We all want
To be like James Dean
So you believe
just because you couldn't
find Mittens all night...
Yes, she was abducted
by aliens.
And they brought her back.
-In time for breakfast.
-Yeah.
Yeah, so there I was
making bacon,
and she just came trotting in
like she hadn't been MIA
all night.
She looks at me differently.
There's something
in her eyes, she...
I can't explain--
You know what?
There's this thing on her butt
I want to show you...
Oh, and we are done.
[laughs]
Thank you so much
to this week's guests,
Kevin and Mittens.
Now, before I go,
I appreciate
all of the comments
about the I Promise sitch.
If you're not following
the shenanigans
of my soon-to-be-new-bestie
Kip Parsons, you should be.
I'm gonna get her in here
to spill more tea with me,
Annie Lee.
Check back soon.
Okay, you're getting tagged
in this over and over.
This is huge.
Then what are you still
doing here?
-Call her, get her in here.
-Okay.
Don't look at me like that.
[dog panting]
She's straight-up lying.
No one gets rejected.
I mean, I can't even find her
in the system.
[Ivy]
It doesn't matter.
Hashtag "unmatchable"
is trending,
and lying or not,
she has hit a nerve.
Oh, this couldn't happen
at a worse time.
We have to handle this
carefully.
[Phil] There's nothing
malicious in her blog.
This just doesn't feel like
some massive corporate plot.
[Ivy]
Dirk, call Frankie.
Tell her we're gonna need
the office tomorrow.
-Perfect.
-Whoa, whoa.
You know,
just a radical idea here.
Maybe we should just
invite her here
and, um, tell her the truth.
No, no, no, no.
We need to impress her.
You mean scare her.
Riley, you hired us
to make the tough decisions.
Now let us make them.
Yes, is this Kip Parsons?
This is Ivy Detamore,
chief legal counsel
at I Promise.
They want to meet to clear up
any "misunderstandings."
So, you go down there
and you smack the shit
out of their lying asses.
I'm not good
with confrontation.
[zombie-like groaning]
[footsteps running]
You'll be fine.
You're like Saint Joan
at the Siege of Orleans.
You know, you're not just
fighting for yourself anymore.
That's right, you're fighting
for all of us unmatchables, Kip.
Hey, you're her.
Hashtag "unmatchable."
I love it.
Those ass-hats say they promise,
look at what they do.
I literally cried
reading that.
-[Kip] Seriously?
-[woman] Yeah.
Look at me.
You don't see anybody
queuing up to date me?
Oh, well...
in the name of sisterhood,
could you give me a pass?
[scoffs]
Get real.
They killed Joan, didn't they?
Burned her alive
at the stake?
-[snarling]
-Oh, God.
Yeah, it's not
a perfect metaphor.
[all]
We need more people.
[Annie]
Have you seen the retweets?
She's like the digital
Bachelorette.
I've been promoting it
everywhere.
We need to get her in here.
I've left six messages.
Well, call her again.
Be her friend.
She sure sounds like
she needs one.
Raina?
This story could launch me.
And wherever I go,
you'll be right there with me.
Now call her.
Wait, your motto is "I promise,"
and you told her
she was unmatchable?
-It's Riley's fault.
-No, uh-uh.
No, the code is perfect,
thank you.
Well, you can end up
in the crapper on this one.
She could sue you dry.
She would have to prove
that she got rejected,
which she can't do.
So without that,
the most she can do is,
I don't know,
complain about us.
Yeah, all over the Internet.
Which never dies.
So why are you
bringing her here?
To show her
we're the good guys.
[Frankie]
So in other words,
you want her
to take the blog down.
Pretty much exactly.
You can leave that on, you know.
Nah, our market research says
that we're better
positioned
if people think
I'm straight and single.
We live in weird times.
Well, it's go time.
So, we get the call she's here.
From the lobby to here,
you charm her with your
"I'm a sun god" shtick.
You take her down
to the broker room.
Show her a couple of computers,
right?
Ten minutes tops. She's out.
All right, I'm gone.
Careful she doesn't see you.
Um, it doesn't matter,
remember?
She doesn't know who I am.
[Dirk]
Still.
Mr. Detamore
will be with you soon.
Help yourself
to some water.
Oh, hey. What are you?
[camera shutters click]
Huh.
Puffer fish, huh?
So is this your deflated state?
You are so sweet.
-Oh, I wouldn't do that...
-Ah!
Oh, shit.
Uh...
-No!
-No!
Should we grab him?
-Hell no.
-Whoa.
-Are you gonna faint?
-No. Are you?
I don't think so.
[both]
No!
-Okay, what do we do?
-Uh, move the couch.
[Kip]
Okay.
Okay. Shh.
Go!
Oh, no. Oh!
[both cheer]
-Ah! Oh, uh...
-No.
That was amazing.
-You have such good reactions.
-Oh, thank you.
-I hunt zombies, so...
-Do you get medical with that?
Absolutely.
We're a full union now.
[both laugh]
[clears throat]
Um, Kip Parsons?
There was a spider.
It was sizable.
I need a Band-Aid.
Oh, of course.
Right this way, please.
[mouthing]
Wow, huh?
I mean, I know she almost
killed you, but...
other than that... wow.
So, this is my office.
-Thanks for this.
-Oh, yeah.
No, of course. Please.
Uh, have a seat.
Um...
Look, I never expected
so many people to read my blog.
I'm as surprised as anyone.
[laughs]
Well, you put it
on the Internet.
I put a lot of things
on the Internet,
but no one
ever reads them.
I guess...
I guess I was just angry.
I mean, unmatchable?
Here's the thing that's really
curious about that.
I checked with Development,
and they assure me
there's no code in the system
that rejects people.
So, are you sure
you used I Promise?
Well, unless you have
a doppelganger.
-[both laugh]
-I'm pretty sure.
Yeah, but if you got rejected,
why hasn't anyone else?
Well, I don't know
about anybody else.
I only know about me.
And besides,
how would I know
that no one else been rejected?
Because you told me?
And if your code's so great,
then how come
you haven't found love yet?
Look, I'm just trying to clear
up any misunderstandings
-that we have.
-I understand.
I just think you have
a credibility issue.
Because I have no reason to lie
and, well, you guys...
You do.
How about that tour?
[sighs]
Sure.
Great.
So, yeah,
so this is it.
These are your programmers?
Sure, yeah.
[Kip]
Those guys? Them?
[Dirk]
Uh, yeah. That's them.
Thank you for your time.
I hope we've resolved
any old feelings.
And so you'll take down
your blog?
Hey, man.
That went well, huh?
I have no idea
what just happened.
[Kip] They say Google performs
six billion searches a day,
but it only took me four
to prove something.
I Promise is a pack of liars.
Score! Retweet that.
Already on it.
[Kip] Ironic,
since they just accused me
of lying about being rejected.
But that's what liars do,
isn't it?
Go get 'em, Kip.
You know that slick building
in the commercials?
That's home to a brokerage firm
called Kaplan-Meyers.
Meyers, coincidentally,
is the maiden name
of Dirk's mother.
Aren't search engines cool?
[sighs]
Hashtag "unmatchable."
It's not their building.
They just use it to look cool.
They're lying about everything,
and here's the fun part:
they didn't even get to know me
before rejecting me.
If they had, they wouldn't
have tried to pass off
a bunch of brokers
as programmers.
Ties and headsets
on programmers?
Not in this world, pal.
Represent, bruh.
-[chuckles]
-Oh, her.
Oh.
-[Kip] But the clincher
was a glass statue.
A huge honor, really.
Employee of the Year.
Lotus Corporation.
Only problem is,
as any self-respecting geek
could tell you,
Lotus was bought by IBM in...
-'95.
-Duh.
June 12, 1995, actually,
for 3.5 billion
in a hostile take over.
I believe it was a Monday.
[Riley] 1995.
"I doubt Dirk D. Detamore
was employee of the year at 8,
as gifted as he may be.
But that fourth search?
Yep, Francesca Meyers.
Lotus Employee of the Year,
1992."
Please make it stop.
"So my question is,
do you trust your love life
to someone who doesn't even
bother to get to know you?
Me? I'll take my chances."
What?
"And while we're speculating,
I think Dirk is married.
But why hide it?
I'd rather know he found love
than to see underdressed models
hanging on him in every ad."
I told you.
She doesn't miss anything.
She's worse than Mom.
-Hush!
-[Phil] And she finishes with,
"P.S., against all laws
of probability,
if the cute guy
in the waiting room is reading,
I'd fish-wrangle again
with you anytime."
Did she say "cute guy"?
Ow! What the actual hell?
I can't believe
you hit on the chick
trying to ruin
our company.
How was I supposed to know
who she was?
-[Riley yelps]
-[Ivy] Oh!
Knock it off! Right now!
What is wrong with you?
We are going to lose everything
that we have worked so hard for,
and all because this silly girl
thinks she has to express
everything she feels.
You know, maybe a little legal
action would calm her down, hmm?
You mean, sue her? For what?
[scoffs]
Slander.
Libel, actually.
Oh, yeah.
I always get those backwards.
You got to be kidding me, right?
The Internet
is the written word.
You can't just say
whatever you want.
Well, yeah, you kind of can.
Okay, well, then you give us
another solution.
Um, we bring her here
and we tell her the truth.
Riley, no.
That's a terrible idea.
Not when we're trying to expand.
And we can't risk having her
write about it.
We'll sound like
a mom-and-pop shop.
But we are a mom-and-pop--
This is a family business.
And since I'm in charge,
no legal action.
Where are you going?
To improve my mental state.
-Come on, Sarah.
-Okay.
Hey, Jones, what do you think
about a dog?
Yeah, me too.
But maybe they're right.
Maybe I should go look, hmm?
-[dog barking]
-[Riley] Get rid of it!
Get rid of it, get rid of it,
before he eats your hand.
-[Sarah] Go get it!
-[Riley] Nice one!
-Fergus, come here.
-Why can't we adopt Fergus?
-He's been here for, like, ever.
-You know why, stinker.
What's Mom's one rule
about me taking you here?
[Sarah & Riley]
No stowaways.
[Riley]
Exactly. Fergus, come here.
-[Sarah] Come on. Come on.
-[Riley] All right, ready?
-[Sarah] Go get it.
-[Riley] Nice one.
[Sarah]
Aw, good boy.
So, like, why can't I throw
as far as you?
Um, maybe it has something to do
with me being, like,
-super manly!
-[laughs]
Hi! Are you looking
to adopt a dog?
-Because Fergus needs a home.
-Maybe. Yeah.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Do you remember, um...
I'm not sure.
Something about you seems...
-Fishy?
-"Dolphin-ately."
[all laugh]
[stammering]
[Sarah]
What does that mean?
[Kip]
I have a hermit crab.
-Cool.
-Yeah. Named Jones.
He was my first pet.
So a dog just feels like
this huge step
up the commitment ladder.
[Riley]
Yeah, I mean, well...
Uh, I guess I work from home,
so it's pretty easy.
Oh, I wish
I could do that,
but my boss,
he takes micromanagement
to a whole new level.
Oh, a nano-manager?
[laughs]
A pico-manager.
[Sarah]
Hey, Riley, watch this.
One, two, three.
[grunts and laughs]
Oh, my gosh, that was amazing!
-[laughs]
-She loves cartwheels.
Mm.
So are you, like,
a cool dad
that lets his daughter call him
by his first name?
-[laughs]
-What?
No, no, no,
I'm like a...
You know, a very cool
much older brother
who is just happy
when his sister calls him
by his actual name
instead of one of the thousands
of kind of rude nicknames
that she has for me, so...
Yeah, kids are brutal.
Yeah.
Hey, so...
super awkward transition.
Are you, uh, seeing anyone?
Like an apparition?
-[chuckles]
-Or like a therapist?
Or a boyfriend?
Uh...
Any. All.
No.
To all.
Kind of a disappointment.
If you saw ghosts,
that would be cool.
So, uh, I don't know.
Maybe we could...
We could, uh...
Sometime, we could...
-I don't know...
-Bus!
Oh, uh, thanks.
[Sarah]
Please adopt Fergus next time.
Yeah, I'll...
I'll think about it, okay?
Um...
Bye!
Hey, what's wrong?
I just-- I...
I didn't get a chance
to ask her out.
I know.
It's because you have zero game.
Now, you have to give it
back to her.
Boom.
Who are you?
I'm your amazing sister.
Period.
[humming]
[reporter]
Do you know her socially?
[Marco] What? It wouldn't
be appropriate.
You heard it here first, folks.
Channel 8 news.
This is Janine,
signing--
What are you
doing tonight, Janine?
Cut.
[cell phone vibrates]
Hey.
Did Marco finally get arrested
for felony-level assholery?
[Meta] Not this time.
They're here for you.
-Oh.
-Side door, LB's waiting.
Great, I lost my badge again.
[Marco]
She's just late.
She does soup kitchen stuff
in the mornings.
As if!
-[laughs]
-What a scrote.
[Janine]
And do you know Miss Parsons?
Oh, absolutely, I know her.
She's like...
She's like my assistant.
His assistant?
That's it, I'm killing him.
Wait, wait, wait,
this is the best part.
[Janine]
Do you know her socially?
Of course not.
We work together.
It wouldn't be appropriate.
-Ugh.
-Right!
Like he hasn't tried to bone
every girl in the office.
Except, you know, you.
-Yeah, it's taken.
-What, the whole thing?
-Yeah.
-But there's a girl in there.
Yeah, I know.
Perhaps you should consider
holding a press conference.
No, no. Do a live AMA.
-All right, I...
-What'd I say?
-I have to go!
-Well, go to the fifth floor.
The fifth floo--?
I don't know
how to set up an AMA.
I'll set it up.
Tomorrow, 9:00 a.m.
In the conference room.
-Sure.
-Okay, let's go.
[Meta]
Oh, you're still here.
-[Kevin] Thank God.
-You're safe now.
I think we got most of them.
Just watch your back.
[sighs]
Good night.
[sighs]
Okay.
-[sighs]
-Riley?
Kip. Hey.
Um, hey, you left this
at the dog orphan--
The, um, the shelter.
Right. Thank you.
Yeah.
Oh.
Was that your bus?
-Yeah.
-Oh.
Um...
Are you doing anything?
Like, right now?
[Riley]
So, we're really leaning heavily
-into the fish thing, huh?
-[Kip laughs]
[Kip]
It's the new VR aquarium.
I thought it was topical.
Or tropical.
[both laugh]
Oh, well, we got, uh,
like two hours until they close.
-So...
-That's a cool watch.
It's synced to the atomic,
of course.
It's binary? For real?
Yeah, naturally.
[Kip]
Sharks are so cool.
They've been around
since the dinosaurs.
[Riley] Well, yeah, they
basically haven't had to evolve
because they're, like,
perfect creatures.
I know, even shark embryos
can sense danger approaching,
and they stop moving.
I actually
read this study
where a scientist
followed a female shark
for, like, 20 years.
And they found
that they returned
to where they were born...
-To give birth.
-...to give birth, yeah.
-I'm a geek.
-Same here.
Yeah, I have, like,
all these totally random,
useless facts floating around
in my head,
and then half the time
I can't even remember
it's my mom's birthday.
But that's boring. I'm boring.
Tell me more about you.
Oh, no, I'm significantly
more boring.
Well, I don't
believe that at all.
I mean, for starters, you...
You wrangle fish.
Oh, that's true. Yeah.
It's a gift.
A calling, really.
And, um, and you don't drive,
so you're, like, what,
a greenie?
Not really.
My car got stolen.
Oh, my God.
Do you think the police
are gonna find it?
Probably not.
It's been two years.
-Oh.
-[chuckles]
[Kip] It's just a whole thing,
getting a new car.
[Riley]
Well, I mean, it could be easy.
I actually have a CarMax app
on my phone.
We can get you one
right now.
They have all different
colors of cars now.
You can get blue ones
and red ones.
-You could do like a pink car.
-Wow.
-Wow.
-Yellow.
Wow, you know a lot
of colors.
Yeah, well, it's like
a hobby of mine.
It's just memorizing
different color names.
-I have a weird hobby.
-What's that?
I make templates
for windup toys,
and then I upload them
so people can print them
from their 3D printers.
That is so cool.
Thanks.
Oh, puffer fish.
[Riley]
Oh. There he is.
Fang's cousins.
You know, because...
Oh, that's--
Oh, I see.
Yeah, no, that's--
Well, we should maybe...
-To commemorate.
-[laughs] Okay.
-To Fang.
-To Fang.
[camera shutters click]
[Kip]
Wow, this is a fancy car.
[Riley]
Yeah, it's my brother's.
It's a lot.
-Okay, controversial question.
-Hmm?
Episodes Four, Five, Six.
Luke or Han?
Luke or Han what?
Who's your dream
Star Wars guy?
Sweet, earnest Luke,
or bad boy Han?
Oh. Neither.
What?
Neither Han nor Luke
is the perfect man
in OG Star Wars.
That title undeniably belongs
to Chewbacca.
-[snickers]
-Don't laugh.
Okay, wait, so...
Sorry, big, hairy Chewie?
Oh, my goodness, yes.
You know, he's loyal.
Just turn up here.
[Riley]
Oh, okay. So big, hairy, loyal.
Which is why
you're looking for a dog.
He's macho, but he's not afraid
to show his feelings.
And he hates being away
from the people that he loves.
Who just happen to be
of the male persuasion.
-Which is fine...
-[gasps] No way.
-It's not a bad thing.
-Chewie? No.
Chewie's totally straight.
Uh, just turn up there,
and then it's another block up.
And the best part
about Chewie?
He wears nothing
except for that gun belt.
Oh, a gun belt.
Now I know what I'm doing wrong.
Mm-hmm.
Who says you're doing
anything wrong?
Oh, just, you know,
when I go on dates,
uh, I just seem to always
do something wrong.
Yeah. Me too.
My last date, I asked the guy
who, outside the MCU,
could hold Thor's hammer.
Easy. Janet from The Good Place.
Oh, uh...
[reporter]
Oh, there she is. Miss Parsons!
Actually, no,
Can you go around the back?
You need to go around the back.
[Riley]
What's going on?
[reporter]
Miss Parsons! Got it.
[gear stick cranks]
Is there something
you're not telling me?
No! Uh, well, yes.
It's just...
It's embarrassing.
Look, it was just a bad day
involving my bad boss
and his bad habits.
I blended up some margaritas,
and before I knew it,
I signed up for online dating.
Not the apps.
Just that I Promise thing.
So you signed up drunk?
Yeah. But that's not
the embarrassing part.
Oh, I mean...
-Just...
-No.
The embarrassing part
is that they rejected me.
Yeah. There I was going lower
than I thought I'd ever go,
and then they said
I was unmatchable, so...
And I got pissed off,
so I wrote a blog about it.
And I didn't expect
anybody to read it,
and then it kind of took off,
and now the company's
calling me a liar.
It's just all gotten
really ugly.
It was like they knew me
and they still thought I sucked.
Well, I...
Yeah.
It's weird. It's fine.
I'm gonna do
an AMA thing tomorrow.
and I'm gonna get everybody
to just stop talking
about it.
I don't want
to talk about it anymore.
[sighs]
You think I'm whacked.
[laughs]
I think you're
a little whacked.
And a little wonderful.
You're really a nice guy,
you know that?
Even if you think Chewie plays
for the home team.
[both laugh]
I had lot of fun
with you tonight.
Me too.
[vehicle approaching]
Crap. Uh, I got to go.
[sighs]
[Ivy]
Anything?
[sighs]
I finally found her application,
but I haven't found any record
that we actually replied to her.
I've been through this
a hundred times.
I thought we auto-checked
and sent replies to everyone.
We did, and I'm telling you,
we...
We have no record of sending
a response to her.
A match report, nothing.
Okay, but it's a computer,
right?
So all the info is in there.
It's just a matter
of pulling it out, right?
Thank you, Steve Jobs.
Riley, just tell us.
Is it possible
she's telling the truth?
No.
No, I-I test everything,
every change.
There is a very slim chance
that she didn't receive
any response at all,
but there is no code in here
to reject her or anyone.
No way.
-[sighs]
-[typing]
Guess what?
I'm doing an online talk thing
Probably gonna tank,
but I bought a new shirt
just in case.
What do we think? Hmm?
And I even put
some eye gunk on.
Huh.
But the big news
is I went on a date
with the fish cowboy.
I know. I know.
I really like him.
So...
All right, I gotta go.
Wish me luck.
Hey.
Oh, no one showed?
Yes.
Nobody cares.
As predicted.
What? What's so funny?
What don't I know?
It's because LB
set up a waiting room.
-They're all in there.
-How many people?
Five... hundred.
The maximum allowed.
Filled up over an hour ago.
No. Not doing it.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-I'm not doing it.
-I don't want to do it.
-[shushing]
That's too much.
I'm not doing it!
Breathe. You got this.
I don't know
what I'm gonna say.
-Didn't you prepare something?
-No, I didn't prepare something.
I didn't think that far ahead,
mentally.
What's that black shit
on your eyes, dude?
[all]
Shut up!
I can't do this alone.
Who says you're doing it alone?
Okay.
Okay.
-Let them in.
-All right.
I'm good.
She has a posse?
For a girl
who can't find a date,
she's got options.
They're her friends.
What? She told me about them.
[Kip]
Good morning.
Um, thank you for coming.
I'm sorry, I'm really nervous.
I didn't expect so many of you
to show up.
But, um, as my friends say,
when you put something
on the Internet,
you take your chances, right?
Um, I've had so many
wonderful messages
from so many of you.
Uh, I wish that I could just
match you all with one another.
But I came on here to say that,
thank you,
but I would like all of this
to stop now, okay?
Lots of hands up.
-What?
-Lots of hands up.
Oh. Oh.
Okay, uh, yeah. I'll take--
I'll take some questions.
Kip, Annie, from "Spill the with Annie Lee."
We would love to have you
on the show to interview.
No. Please stop asking.
It would be so good for your
blog's brand awareness, and--
[sound muted]
Kip, what do you have to say
to all the other unmatchables
out there?
Uh, I guess to ignore
labels like that.
But have you given up on love?
No, um, I haven't.
Actually, uh, I met
an amazing guy this week.
So maybe love can find anyone,
even us unmatchables.
[woman]
Kip, I love your blog.
I'm definitely
Team Unmatchable.
Can you tell us what I Promise
said in the rejection email?
You know what? I'd rather not
relive that particular moment.
Oh.
Kip, is online dating a scam?
Look, we are the online
generation, right?
We work, and shop, watch movies,
and express ourselves
creatively.
Some of us
maybe a bit too much.
Uh, so I think that you can
find love online,
I just think you might want
to use a different company
than I Promise.
Go.
[phone beeps off]
Kip Parsons?
-You've been served.
-What?
It's a temporary
restraining order
barring you from discussing
I Promise or risk arrest.
What did you do?
Riley, you said it yourself.
Either she believes
she was rejected,
or else she's a master liar.
In either case,
she's a very troubled girl.
And this is how you thought
you'd help her?
After I explicitly
asked you not to?
She's gonna destroy our business
if we don't stop her.
Dad ran the numbers,
and it's not good.
Let me ask you something,
since we're talking about truth.
When was the last time we once,
just once told her the truth
about who we are?
About who I am?
Those were business
decisions.
Well, when did we become
that kind of business, Dad?
[sighs]
No, you know what?
I started this company
because I was so tired
of working for shitty,
sleazy people.
And now here I am,
working with more--
Riley.
You're fired.
You're all fired.
Hey, hey, Riley, come on.
No, I'm serious.
You're fired. Go.
I mean it. Go.
Leave.
-Hey, Law & Order girl.
-[Kip] Hmm?
-Did you check your code in yet?
-Tomorrow.
I'm reading about
temporary restraining orders.
[Meta, laughing]
Is this your first?
Yes.
Are they really
gonna send me to jail?
Well, not if you avoid
saying "I Promise."
Which you could do by staying
in your cube and working.
Hey, dude, dude.
You got to get on Twitter.
If I wanted to listen to people
yell, I'd go visit my parents.
Look, look, look.
Some guy named Michael Rex
made a fan account for you.
Look, it has 92,000 followers
already.
Michael Rex?
Oh, I dated this guy in college
for, like, five minutes.
You better hope he doesn't have
any indiscreet pictures of you.
-Ooh, does he?
-No! Jeez.
[clicking mouse button]
Are any of those important?
No, it's just guys
asking me for dates.
And they all send pictures.
Any decent ones?
You tell me.
-[all] Oh!
-The hell's wrong with you?
You cannot show us some dude's
tackle without warning.
Oh, really? That's the sound
of every woman on the Internet
rolling her eyes.
Seriously, Kip,
you gotta delete those.
You can't have pictures
like that on your work computer.
Oi, oi. Pictures like what?
[all] Nothing.
Are they naughty ones?
Ugh.
Are your 15 minutes up yet?
Marco, I never intended--
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
You're not a victim.
You set this into motion,
and you kept it up
at every turn.
I don't know if you're doing it
to spite me,
or you just want attention.
I give up, Marco.
How is this possibly about you?
It is about me,
because we're releasing
tomorrow,
and you still haven't checked in
your code for the build.
And that, sweetheart,
has everything to do with me
and my department.
You're right.
I'm gonna work all night.
I'll get it done.
[sighs]
[car alarm chirps]
[exhales]
[typing]
[Riley whistling]
[laughs]
Hey. What are you doing here?
Oh, I am taking you to dinner?
Ugh, 404. I have a deadline.
Come on, it'll be fast.
We can go get sushi.
You're over-embracing
this fish theme a little bit.
Please come out with me.
I just...
I'd love to talk to you,
and I'll bring you right back.
We'll get takeout,
and then... yeah.
Okay.
Crap. You're married?
-No.
-Gay?
Ryan Reynolds confuses me,
but no.
Convicted felon?
[laughs]
Not convicted.
Oh, this is a friend-zoning
session, isn't it?
No. No, absolutely not.
[sighs]
Listen, just hear me out, okay?
Two years ago,
I quit my awful job
working with awful people
because I wanted
to start my own company.
And when I left my awful job,
I told myself
that from here on out,
I only wanted
to work with people
who were super talented,
but also ethical people,
right?
So I hired my mom and dad.
And I hired my brother
and his husband.
And it was great.
But then today, I-I realized
we've become a company
that I hate.
And, um...
I fired everyone.
Whoa.
And the reason I'm telling you
this is because...
-[cell phone ringing]
-Oh, my God.
[sighs]
Hold on one second.
I'm sorry.
Hey, look,
I don't want to talk about it.
Which hospital?
Okay, I'm on my way.
Is everything okay?
Um, no.
Um, you can take the car
to get home.
No, it's okay.
I take the bus all the time.
Don't worry about it.
Get in there.
Oh, Riley. Riley.
Riley?
Riley.
The good news is that
she didn't have a stroke.
-They're still running tests--
-Riley.
What the hell is she doing here?
-Dad, she doesn't know.
-Hey, you dropped your phone.
Thanks. Um...
I think you need to leave.
You know what? Don't worry.
I'll-I'll-I'll just, uh...
-I'll explain it to you later.
-Okay.
I'll...
-I'll call you soon.
-Sure.
What are you doing here?
How's Mom?
Mom?
-[Riley] Kip, I can explain.
-Mom?
-Oh, no.
-Kip, no, let me explain.
-This is...
-Oh, I'm so stupid.
-No, no.
-I'm so stupid.
[Riley]
Kip!
I'll be always falling
Yeah
Only to rise
And fall again
Kip. Hi.
I'm Raina from...
[both]
Spilling the Tea with Annie Lee.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Are you my stalker now?
Look, she's doing
a show tomorrow...
Actually, today.
...and she is desperate
to have you on.
I have a restraining order
against me right now,
which is a sentence I never
thought I would say in my life.
But the result is, I will not
be spilling any tea.
Okay, but you don't have
to mention I Promise.
Just... just talk about
the challenges of finding love
as a woman in this digital age.
Raina, I'm not good
at this stuff.
I get really wound up,
and then I just say things
I don't want to,
and I get into a situation
I don't want to be in.
Yeah, and that's why
people love you.
Kip, you speak
so many people's truths.
They're listening.
You should use your voice.
Are those Croc earrings?
Yeah. I love Crocs.
Don't tell my boss.
She would kill me.
Okay, I'll make a deal.
I have a friend.
His name is Sanjay.
He is a really sweet guy
with a good heart.
You go for a coffee with him,
I'll do your show.
-Just coffee?
-Just coffee.
And if I check
offender databases?
Oh, my God, no.
Not there. I swear.
Deal?
Okay. Yes.
-Yes. Deal.
-Great.
Go home.
-Hey, Kip?
-Yes?
What happened
to that nice guy you met?
Uh...
turned out he wasn't that nice.
[typing]
Come on.
Come on.
You know, Jones,
in retrospect,
this has been the crappiest day
of my life.
[sighs]
But I know what you're thinking.
"Suck it up, Kipper,
and get me a grape."
Jones?
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
[sniffles]
No.
Jones.
[crying softly]
[typing]
[cell phone vibrates]
I can't believe you're not
going to fight this.
I missed the deadline.
We all miss deadlines.
There were naked guys
on my computer.
We all have naked guys
on our computers.
Look, my Internet presence
was becoming disruptive.
Come on, guys,
this was inevitable.
Marco read some management book
about getting rid
of the competition,
and I just gave him
a way to do it.
Because firing our favorite lead
is the best way
to rally the team.
Hey, Kip, you know,
I'm old enough
to have been there
for "fight the power"
and "stick it to the man."
Are you sure
about doing this show?
You know, you talk about
wanting this all to be over,
and then you turn around
and poke the bear again.
Well, Meta, I made a promise,
and there's nothing else
left to lose.
Look at me.
There's always more to lose.
Always.
Be nice to the replacement,
okay?
And clean your desk
from time to time,
-for everyone's sake.
-I will.
A woman named Raina
will text you.
Go out with her.
Please wear matching socks.
I'm gonna miss you most of all,
Scarecrow.
Ah, you'll be back.
You'll see.
So I'm just gonna say, uh,
"See you later, kiddo."
I got fired,
so I won't be able to see you
every morning anymore.
Okay then.
It's been really nice chatting
to you for all these years.
I mean,
I'm gonna come by when I can,
it just won't be every morning.
You know, right now would be
a really good time
for, like, a Yoda moment.
Or some advice?
Anything?
Cool.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.
Now, I know you're upset
about me letting Kip go,
but I'm still your boss.
Giving me the Gandhi treatment
ain't a power move here.
I can fire you all.
You know, as soon as the next
release is out.
And, and, and you train
your replacements.
Guys?
Guys?
Guys, look,
this is just childish.
Well, uh,
it's good we had this talk.
So... yeah.
Yeah, get back to work.
And you too.
Is calling me Gandhi racist?
I like how he said
he let her go,
like she was trapped and
he released her into the wild.
You fired her,
you bearded fruit bat!
[LB] Hey, your car got
a big trunk, right?
[Riley]
Um, ahem, hello.
Uh, is-- Is Kip Parsons here?
Nope. Not since they fired her.
She got fired?
Who are you?
My name's Riley Detamore.
I'm... Well, I guess
I'm kind of a friend...
Uh, nice chicken.
That's Grimaldi QR model?
We love meeting couples
who have found love,
but remember, not everyone
gets a happy ending.
-[Raina] Stop fidgeting.
-Our next guest...
You look beautiful.
I feel awkward.
Graceful.
Dorky.
[sighs]
-Like a gazelle.
-Hmm.
Just remember, you're live.
Watch what you're saying.
Got it.
Please welcome my special guest,
Kip Parsons.
Oh, wait. Any bats in the cave?
All clear.
Thanks to Wild Mountain Chai
for providing us
with our tea today.
You can taste the mountain air
in every sip.
Oh, and please don't forget
to subscribe.
[laughs]
Kip, it's lovely
to finally put a face
to your name.
-Many of us unmatchables...
-She almost looks like a...
...feel like we know you
already.
...like a girl.
How has this all been for you?
She looks beautiful.
[all] Shut up.
-Guys, grow up.
-[Annie] I bet.
You've gone from lowly
computer programmer
to woman's spokesperson
in a week.
Of course, as you know,
the dating service...
Which I cannot name.
...because they're taking
legal action against you...
Okay, you are ready to go,
but we have some things
to go over.
[all shush]
I'm sure you've heard
the rumors.
You can't actually prove
that the dating service
rejected you.
Uh, I could.
But why should I have to?
Well, see, you keep dodging
the question,
and that makes me question
whether it really happened,
or whether this
is a publicity stunt.
Publicity for what?
I'm-I'm...
I'm just a normal person.
I'm not trying
to sell anything.
[Annie] But why would I Promise
come after you
unless they knew you couldn't
back up your claims?
You know why, Annie?
Big guys taking on the one
person telling the truth.
It happens every day,
and it's so easy
to hide behind lawyers,
and getting other people
to do your dirty work.
I'm standing here, alone,
talking about my experiences,
and I'm the one
going to court.
And she's off.
I mean, Dirk didn't serve me
those papers.
He knew where I was.
And his brother Riley,
he definitely knew.
But they were too afraid
to man up and face me.
You know what?
Just once, Annie, just once,
I would like to see someone
from that company say,
"Hey, we made a mistake.
We're sorry."
But they will never do that.
Because that's not
the kind of people they are,
and it's not the kind of company
I Promise is.
[door opens]
No. Stop!
[officer]
Kip Parsons...
you're under arrest for
violating a restraining order.
Oh, no.
Did you know about this?
No, I...
[handcuffs click]
[door closes]
I...
I don't know what to say.
I...
We're gonna end it here
for us today,
and I will report back once
I get to the bottom of this.
-[Ivy] Wait.
- [Annie] I'm Annie Lee.
Aren't you supposed to explain
the discharge plan to me?
Figure it out yourself.
It's not that hard.
I promise.
[camera beeps]
Oh, my God, Annie.
Where did the cops come from?
I-I didn't let them in.
I'm so sorry.
They were in my back room
the whole time.
Wait, you set this all up?
I knew she wouldn't be able
to keep her mouth shut.
I was counting on it.
Now I'm gonna go watch
my view count go up.
[scoffs]
[indistinct chattering]
[door lock beeps]
Y'all have fun now.
-[Riley] I need to talk to her.
-Yeah, well,
only a lawyer can get in
to talk to her now.
Maybe it's time
she got a lawyer.
Funeral home's two doors down.
[Riley] Uh, we're actually
Kip Parsons' attorneys.
Firm?
Dorkus...
Knapsack...
Ruffles...
and Crocs.
[all laughing]
That's good.
You know, I call my ex
"the appendix."
He caused me a lot of pain,
gave me a few scars,
but once he was gone,
I figured out
I didn't need him anyway.
[all laugh]
Okay, okay, I have one.
Chewbacca: straight or gay?
[all] Straight.
-Yes.
-Oh, man!
-And that gun belt?
-[gasps]
-[woman 1] Come on, now.
-[woman 2] Damn.
That's what I said!
Kip Parsons?
-Yeah?
-Your lawyer's here.
What? I don't have a lawyer.
Well, now you got a whole firm.
[laughing]
Oh, my God, guys!
This has been crazy.
So, what's the plan?
-Meta...
-It's gonna be okay.
We'll, uh...
We'll wait outside.
Kip, we gotta get you
out of here.
Well, you put me in here.
No, it...
It was my parents.
It wasn't me.
And that's because
they were scared
and they didn't know you.
Oh, okay. And you do?
You're just like me.
-Kip, you got to believe me.
-Why?
Riley, you lied to me.
Over and over.
What I told you was true.
Okay, I used to work for this
super sleazy dating app company,
and I left to start my own
because I wanted to build
something with integrity.
So I coded everything,
you know, from the ground up.
And that's how I know
that you didn't get rejected.
And it's okay
that you made that up.
I didn't make it up!
I didn't make it up.
And if you think I made it up,
then you don't know me at all.
-Kip, I--
-I should have gotten the dog.
He would have been
more trustworthy.
Uh, there's been a mistake.
They're not on my side, so...
[Dennis]
You fired them all?
-I fired them all.
-[Dennis laughs]
You think they'll be
at the hearing tomorrow?
Yeah. Probably. Oh, hey.
Oh, all right. Have fun.
You should have gotten
a smaller dog.
[scoffs]
Yeah.
[laughs]
Remember when that used to be
your standard
placeholder error message?
Stack overflow.
Get a dog.
Null pointer exception?
"Get a dog."
[laughs]
Holy shit balls.
What?
Come on, I need your help.
Excuse me.
[bailiff]
All rise.
The Honorable Judge Wilks
presiding.
Be seated.
Well, I've got to be honest.
You know, I've been sitting
up here a long time,
and I don't believe I have ever
been quite this popular before.
Sir?
You ordering a pizza, sir?
I'll call you back.
Your Honor, we would like
to respectfully...
Settle down.
I know why we're here.
I read every little piece
of paper that you gave me.
Miss Parsons?
Yes, sir?
[Wilks]
Sit down, please.
I'm thinking I should probably
explain how this all works,
as it appears that your counsel
may not be the finest
this city has to offer.
[camera shutter clicks]
Temporary restraining orders
are issued ex parte,
which basically means
anyone can get one.
As for the other party--
You, in this case.
--doesn't have much of a say.
But today is your chance
to convince me
that this restraining order
shouldn't be made permanent.
Whereas the folks over there
are gonna try to convince me
that they should.
Now I've read
all they had to say.
It sure sounds like
you've been mouthing off a bit.
Yeah.
I do that now.
I used to be nicer.
Sorry.
Well, why don't you
just scoot yourself up here
and tell me all about it?
Okay.
Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?
-I do.
-Be seated.
Miss Parsons, you signed up
with an online matchmaker.
Yes, sir.
And in their advertising,
this dating service implied
they can find at least one man
to go to dinner with you.
-Correct?
-Well, they did more than imply.
Their company name
is literally "I Promise,"
and their slogan is...
Yes, sorry, sir.
Well, I think we all
agree so far.
But here's where
our paths diverge.
You say they rejected you.
But you have no proof.
And yet, you're still
talking about it,
despite the restraining order.
How was your night
in our fine facility?
Not my best, Your Honor.
Your Honor,
we did not ask the police
to arrest Miss Parsons,
and regret that she had to spend
the night in jail.
[Wilks]
It's hard to imagine
who else would have
a vested interest
in seeing Miss Parsons
go through that ordeal.
I know who.
Sit your ass down.
And what is your name,
young lady?
Raina Suryanarayama.
And your role in this
twisted little drama is?
Well, I was Annie Lee's
assistant...
until yesterday,
when I quit.
She was the one who had
the police on standby
because she wanted Kip
to be arrested live.
And which one of you is Annie?
It's all about the followers,
sir.
Bailiff, please escort Miss Lee
from my courtroom.
On what grounds?
Well on the grounds
that just you piss me off.
[laughter]
Bye-bye now.
Ooh, ooh-hoo
Ooh, ooh
Miss Parsons, if we knew
what the message said,
then the folks at I Promise
say they would be happy to prove
that there's no rejection
message like that
in the system.
But since you can't tell me
what the message said...
I can tell you exactly
what the message said.
I thought you said
you deleted it.
I'll remember that message
until the day I die.
Well, let's hear it, please.
It's just really embarrassing.
Miss Parsons?
I'm gonna have to rule
against you.
Look, Your Honor,
I didn't do anything wrong here.
And this is just often
what happens with women.
You know,
everyone calls me a liar
because I told the truth.
I don't know what you...
[sighs]
[Wilks]
I am sorry.
But I'm gonna have to ask you
to be honest just one last time.
"Unmatchable.
You're a nerd and a loser.
No one will ever
find you attractive.
Take our advice.
Give up on love and get a dog
so you don't die alone."
[spectators gasp and murmur]
Damn.
[Riley]
Wait...
I Promise would like to drop
the restraining order,
Your Honor.
Miss Parsons
is telling the truth.
And you are?
Uh, I'm Riley Detamore.
I programmed
the I Promise system.
And the...
The message is real, Your Honor.
Oh, no.
-[Wilks] Keep talking.
-[Riley] Well,
when I initially coded
the I Promise system,
I-I used myself
as a test subject.
That message, Kip...
it was meant for me.
I guess I just...
I forgot to delete the code.
And I didn't think of it
until Dennis reminded me
that the initial test response
was, "Get a dog."
And then I thought about us,
and-- And Fergus.
And I realized why you were
trying to get a dog
in the first place.
The reason why that message
never triggered is because...
no one ever signed up
that was like me.
You know...
weird, I guess.
Like me.
Until now.
Riley...
I'm so sorry, Kip.
You were telling the truth
the whole time, and I...
I didn't believe you.
Can you please forgive me?
No.
Miss Parsons...
Kip...
I'm the one who escalated this.
Not Riley.
Please don't hold a grudge
against my son.
I'm not holding a grudge,
Miss Detamore.
I'm trying to set a boundary.
You really hurt me.
So why would I give you
a chance to do it again?
As much as I would like
to see what happens next,
my job is to keep
this room moving.
So if no one
has anything else...
I'm gay!
[spectators murmuring]
And I'm married to David.
What?
Oh, come on.
How could you not know?
I went back in the closet
because I thought it would hurt
my brother's business
to have a gay,
married spokesman.
But Kip's right.
Truth matters.
And that's all.
I'm so proud of you.
Well, thanks for that,
my friend.
You have my sincere hope
that no one cares.
Anyone else like to share?
No?
Okay.
If there are no
further objections,
I am declaring the order void.
[cheers and applause]
[Kip]
Sorry, Jones.
You were the best roommate ever.
[knock on door]
Kip, come on. Please open up.
-Go away.
-[sighs]
[gasps]
[screams]
Kip? Are you okay?
-[pounding on door]
-Open the door!
My crab, he's immortal.
Oh. What?
Jones died,
but now he's in there.
Well, was he just lying there,
like, out of his shell?
And did he just molt?
Oh. I guess so.
He's never done that before.
I thought he was dead.
See, he can't grow
in his old skin,
so he has to shed it.
Actually, fun fact
about hermit crabs--
I'm doing that nerd thing again.
I'll stop.
Jones, uh,
I am so proud of you.
That must have hurt
like a bitch.
You just do your thing in there,
and I'm gonna get you
something special,
like a real pineapple.
Okay, you can leave now.
Question 82.
Question 82 on the I Promise
questionnaire.
"What's one thing
that you will always regret?"
You know, I felt a little weird
writing that question
because I didn't
have an answer for it.
I mean, I should floss more,
but...
Anyway...
just...
now I'll have something I regret
for the rest of my life.
Also, the Immortal Crabs is the
name of my new calypso band.
[Kip]
And I haven't seen him since.
I'm not mad anymore.
I'm just...
I don't know.
I did all of that for nothing.
I lost my job.
My dignity.
My privacy.
And for what?
I've spent my life feeling like
no one really gets me.
Like I'm not enough.
But with Riley...
With Riley, I felt enough.
Then he's the one.
Hi.
You're enough, Kip.
The real question is...
Is he?
[laughs]
I guess I got to stop
tucking away my weirdness, huh?
[both chuckle]
Yes.
See if he can keep up.
[cell phone dings]
Can we talk?
[Kip]
Let's go. Come on.
Come on.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Oh, my God! Is this Fergus?
Yeah. Someone--
I can't remember who.
--suggested that I get a dog.
[giggles]
Too soon?
Kip.
So, this is it.
Corporate headquarters.
Also known as my house.
If you'll excuse us,
we have that appointment.
[Phil]
Right. We have to see that guy.
-What guy?
-Uh, about that thing.
Ahem.
[Ivy chuckles nervously]
[Sarah]
Bye, guys.
Oh, they're not very good
at pretending
that they have
other things to do.
I feel-- I mean,
I'm embar-- I'm embar--
Oh, dear.
Yeah, uh...
Okay, now I'm really
embarrassed.
Uh, Mom, I think that's...
Yeah, so, Mom, I think now
is probably a good time to...
-Um...
-Oh, I-I-I'm going.
-I'm going.
-Okay.
Can I show you my office?
It's kind of cool.
-Sure.
-All right, I'll show you.
[panting]
So I took my own advice
and got a dog.
That's Odin.
You asked me here to talk,
so talk.
Um...
[sighs]
Kip, I-I didn't...
Kip, that message
wasn't meant for you.
I would never say anything
like that to you,
or anyone else.
But you did.
You said it about yourself,
and that's not okay.
[chuckles lightly
We hospitalized my mom.
Yeah.
We traumatized
an innocent fish.
Mm-hmm. I got fired.
I destroyed my company.
I got both served and arrested
live on the Internet.
We have a terrible record.
We're a dumpster fire.
But if there's any way
that we can...
[Kip] In the end, I Promise did
match me with my perfect man.
The man I adore.
[panting]
After the trial, Raina
and Sanjay got coffee together.
Then dinner.
Then breakfast.
I Promise did survive,
and eventually
Riley rehired his family.
Of course, under the condition
they will never send
another client to jail,
and that I Promise brand
wasn't skyscrapers
and supermodels,
but helping people find a home.
A family.
However they define it.
Riley also hired
his friend Dennis.
And Raina, who has them all
next-level organized.
It didn't take long
for my CEO to realize
who was actually doing all
the work Marco took credit for.
Soon after, Marco himself was
released back into the wild.
They offered me his position.
I accepted,
as long as they paid me
exactly one dollar more
than he made.
Riley became
an important member
of our zombie strike team.
And a few more
members joined too.
Business boomed after Dirk
made several TV appearances.
Apparently not that many people
come out, go back in,
then come out again
in a courtroom.
Love is love,
and we all need help
finding it.
"With that in mind,
please listen to these words.
From one unmatchable
to another.
Don't tuck away
your weirdness for anyone.
Someone is out there,
waiting for you.
And they will love you,
not in spite
of how you really are,
but because of it."
I promise.
[all yelling]
I see it in your eyes
It's where forever starts
Your love is like the sky
So wide and deep
And near and far
I want to be close to you
And feel my feet
Rising off the ground
I'm gonna hold on to you
Hand in hand
Here we go again
'Cause you take me higher
'Cause you take me higher
And I won't let go
'Cause the world is ours
Tonight
I see it in your smile
It's where forever starts
Your love is like a fire
Burning wide and deep
And near and far
I want to be close to you
And feel my feet
Rising off the ground
I'm gonna hold on to you
Hand in hand
Here we go again
'Cause you take me higher
'Cause you take me higher
'Cause you take me higher
'Cause you take me higher
And I won't let go
'Cause the world is ours
Tonight
[faint raspy breathing]
[soft growling]
-[gasps]
-Oh! Cripes.
[whispering]
Sorry.
[man]
We have to circle round.
Approach the escalator
from the east.
Remember what's at the top
of that escalator?
Abercrombie.
Where they breed them.
Okay...
We're gonna run
to the brick wall,
and then we're gonna
get on the escalator.
That's risky.
We'll be trapped.
Hey, dudes, dudes, um,
what's our position on online
matchmakers instead of the apps?
-Get over here.
-Bitch, please.
My mother wants to sign me up.
She's desperate.
Guys, can we please
talk about this
when no one is trying
to kill us?
Dating algorithms
are basically meaningless.
There was a 2012 paper
published by
Northwestern University
that basically eviscerates
-the very concept--
-Meta.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Are we ready?
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Great. Let's go.
[snarling]
-Abort. Abort.
-Oh, bad choice, bad choice.
Abort. Abort.
Take as many
as you can with you.
-Gentlemen, it's been an honor.
-[zombies groaning]
Say hello to my little friend.
Oh, bugger.
[Kip]
Ugh.
[groaning softly]
Next time, we need more people.
[man]
That all you got, Dumbledork?
Come on.
Where are your Hobbitses now,
Gandalf?
Dan?
Kip.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-How's it going?
-Oh, shit.
Is that the same Dan
that ghosted you last week?
[whispers]
It doesn't matter.
[LB]
Yes, it does. It's rude.
Okay, okay, you're right.
I should have texted.
But get this, our second date,
she asks,
"Outside of the Marvel Universe,
who could pick up
Thor's hammer?"
[laughs]
I mean, come on.
Next date you go on
with a guy,
maybe keep that weirdness
tucked away a little bit better.
-You know?
-Hey. You are dismissed.
Fine. Whatever.
[Dan scoffs]
-Come on, Zoe.
-Data.
What?
Data from The Next Generation.
He could lift Thor's hammer.
Yes! Also, Ted Lasso,
but he'd do it by accident.
-[laughs]
-[Meta] Please.
Two words: Superman.
And Betty White.
Neville Longbottom.
[Meta]
Ah.
Not worth it.
I feel sort of bad
killing you now.
Oh, no, that's okay.
Death sounds pretty good
right now.
All right then.
[snarls]
Turn it up, turn it up
Turn it up
Turn it up
Turn it up, turn it up
Drink it up, shake it up
To the sound
Shake it on down
Break it on down
Turn it up and down
If you want to
Turn it inside out
If you need to
Turn it up, turn it up
Turn it up
Turn it up
Turn it up, turn it up
Break it down
Listen to the bass, man
He don't say much
But when he does
Give a listen
Boom, boom, boom, boom
Change it up
So we don't get sued
[all whoop and laugh]
[clears throat]
[music turned off]
[man] Yeah, buddy!
Thank you. Thank you.
But the real thanks
goes to my family,
who never, ever learned
how to knock.
-Hey, hey, do "Wonderwall."
-[all laugh]
Oh.
Here.
Thanks, Mom.
-Sweetie.
-Okay, Mom...
You cannot keep doing
these all-nighters.
I know, I know.
But you should
have seen the numbers.
We doubled our users
in the last month.
Well, then it's time
to hire someone.
And it has to be from
outside the family this time,
since Sarah's the only one
that doesn't work for you yet.
Mom, I get it,
and I will...
I'll think about it.
Okay, well, it's...
It's not just you
I'm worried about.
If you slip up,
the entire company
is at risk.
I get it.
Okay. I'm going.
Thank you for the coffee.
[Ivy] Sure.
[typing]
[panting]
[man, on TV] I got so tired
of swiping left, left, left.
[woman, on TV] Those other apps
are all based on looks.
[Kip]
Jones.
I created for you a bride.
And we shall give it life!
-[laughs]
-[woman] His sense of humor.
[man]
Her plans and dreams.
[woman] When you answer
the app questions,
you really think about
who you are.
Your soulmate is out there.
I promise.
[Kip]
Hey, Jones.
Your grape is out there.
I promise.
My soulmate, however,
apparently got lost.
Although, if he really is
my soulmate,
his watch would be synced
to the atomic clock.
Bye, Jones.
[Kip reading onscreen text]
[Kip] At least you didn't
have to deal with dating apps,
where, I swear,
every third photo
is some guy posing
with a fish he just caught.
"I'd like to believe
there was someone special
in your life once.
And I'll find someone too.
But maybe I'm just
old-fashioned
and the world doesn't work
like that anymore."
You're okay that I blog
about you sometimes?
You'd tell me, right?
Oh. Check this out.
I made it for you.
[motor whirring]
I got to get my bus.
See you.
All I'm saying is,
guys figure there's something
wrong with the other person,
While women assume there's
something wrong with us.
No, I pretty much always assume
that I'm the problem.
Yeah, well, in your case,
you'd be right.
[LB] Hey, you know
what'd be awkward?
If one of these guys
reads about himself on
your blog.
I have, like, three readers,
and two of them are my mother.
Dude, I read it.
Don't read my blog, you creeper.
Then don't put it
on the Internet.
[Marco laughing]
Ugh, Marco alert.
Banking in, port side.
[Sanjay]
Marco's a douche.
I can't believe they hired him
instead of promoting you.
I can. They were never
gonna promote me.
Why not?
Uh, women's intuition.
Years of watching men like Marco
take credit for my work.
-There's a word for that.
-Patriarchy?
I was thinking "dick,"
but sure.
[imitating knock]
-Interrupting?
-No. What's up?
I need your help
with the Gemco presentation.
Oh, you want me to run through
the technical content?
[snorts]
No.
I've got all that covered.
Presentation itself is superb.
Are you sure?
It's pretty advanced.
I mean, the processing
requirements alone--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you womansplaining this
to me?
-Uh...
-That's not very woke, Kip.
Am I right, guys?
[Marco laughs]
[toy squawks]
Look, I just need you
to fix a virus on my laptop.
Must have been infected
by a competitor
trying to sabotage us.
But we can't fix it here,
because I can't risk
contaminating the network.
So I need you to fix it tonight
from home.
I would do it myself,
but I've got a date.
Ooh!
Okay?
Superb.
Well, I might have plans
tonight too.
[snorts]
God, you're hilarious.
Boop!
Yeah.
[Kip sighs]
Dickhead.
Stain.
Such a cretin.
-[snarling]
-[Riley] Hey.
Ready? Ready?
You ready? You ready?
But seriously,
how are you still coding
all of I Promise by yourself?
Well, it's easy, I just,
you know, survive on popcorn,
I sleep at my desk,
and my application
for the monastery
just arrived in the mail,
so, hey!
[laughs]
Honestly, volunteering here
is the only time
I actually get outside.
Well, when you're hiring,
you know how to find me.
Thank you.
[laughs]
Oh, I thanked you.
I know a porn virus
when I see one, you sleaze.
Uh... yup!
Hmm. See?
I am superb, Jones.
And how about I put
a little picture
of your gross search history
in the middle
of your presentation, Marco?
How superb would I be then?
[Kip sighs]
"I hope Mr. Lawn Chair Man
talks..."
Oh, that's nice.
"Come to church with us.
There's so many nice men"?
God, Mom.
"Is your poppy floppy?"
Gross.
Hmm.
Hmm. What do you think, Jones?
Yeah.
That's a really bad idea.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Ugh.
Huh. "Would you share your
toothbrush with your lover?"
Uh...
I know where his mouth has been.
-No.
-[punches mouse buttons]
"Are you a good dancer?"
Seriously?
That's the second-most
important thing to catalog?
"Have you ever had sex
in public..."
Who are these people, Jones?
It's disgusting.
Hey, Jones, three no's.
It's like a drinking game.
"Have you been to a bar
this week?" No.
"Do you kill spiders
rather than carry them outside?"
Never.
Number 14. "Your romantic
partner is bitten by a zombie."
Head shot immediately.
"Would you rather
vomit on your hero
or have your hero
vomit on you?"
On me. On me.
244: Nude beach.
Sure.
"Have you, uh...
ever...
Have you ever
been skinny...
skinny dipping?"
[mouse button clicks]
[Dirk]
Question 500:
Who ended your last
relationship?
Don't lie to me.
I hate you.
Congratulations.
Your matches will be sent
within 24 hours.
[cell phone vibrating]
[groans]
-What?
-[Meta] Where the hell are you?
Rideshare's on the way.
-Mom?
-Yeah, it's your mom.
Marco's Gemco presentation
starts in 20--
Correction, 19 minutes,
and you have his laptop.
You're not his favorite person
right now.
He's sniffing around your desk
like a rabid skunk.
A driver's gonna be there
in one minute.
Get down there now.
Where is she?
Yeah, yeah.
She's always late on Tuesdays.
It's her day to babysit
during morning Mass.
[laughs nervously]
Bring it right over. I'll stall.
Yeah. No problem.
[elevator dings]
Make a hole!
Oh!
[exhales]
[whispering]
You are in control. Right?
You are a goddess.
He is nothing.
He's a pimple on the butt
of a big baboon. Nothing.
[Marco]
Now I'm not just saying this
to blow smoke up your behinds,
but the new build truly is
one of a kind.
So, once we incorporate
the new code,
we will have the fastest product
on the market.
And with that processing speed,
your ROI will be superb.
Get the lights.
[sighs]
He is so gonna write me up.
No. You were terrific in there.
Seriously, guys,
I don't know how to thank you.
You can start
by brushing your teeth.
-Damn, girl.
-And you have keyboard scars.
Guys, really?
She's also got her T-shirt on
back to front,
but she's still the best.
Good night, Kip.
Jeopardy!
Tournament of Champions?
Yup. And Shirley's making tacos.
Ugh, you're living the dream,
Meta.
I am. I am.
[laughs]
Oh, hey, Marco.
How'd the presentation go?
Superb!
No thanks to you.
[Meta] Inside voice, Marco.
Inside voice.
Right.
[imitating Marco]
No thanks to you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
I'm superb.
[in normal voice]
Oh, really?
So your smut virus
just healed itself, did it?
Great.
[computer chimes]
Oh.
Hmm.
No.
Okay.
[mouse wheel clicks]
A dog?
That's it right there.
That's the moment
I had my epiphany.
Every time I get ghosted,
Meta says there's nothing
wrong with me.
But it's pretty hard
to maintain that position
when a whole-ass
matchmaking site
rejects you as unmatchable.
There were always signs.
I mean, I played with Barbies.
I just accessorized
differently.
Oh, my God.
You're so weird.
[Kip] I had a sweet 16,
like everyone else.
Mostly.
Thank you!
Who wants to play D&D?
I know I'm not a real woman.
My shoes don't hurt.
I like math.
I couldn't flirt if I tried.
And for me, dressing up means
putting on mascara.
Everything in my life
has told me that's not enough.
That I'm not enough.
But I guess I never really
believed it before.
In their huge database,
there wasn't one guy
who might like me?
Really? Not one?
Statistically,
is that even possible?
"Read this blog."
I don't know how to fix this
without pretending
to be someone I'm not.
Hmm. It's nice.
I feel seen.
And look, I have a good job.
A nice apartment.
I take my own trash out.
I know how to use a plunger
and a comprehensive
set of power tools.
Hell, yeah, we do.
I don't need a man.
It's just that maybe,
every now and then,
I'd like to reach out
and find someone there.
Reaching back.
I don't care what
the I Promise people say.
There is someone
out there for me.
For all of us unmatchables.
I promise.
Hey.
And don't you forget it.
[laughs]
-[barks]
-Whoa, whoa. Quiet down.
[scoffs]
Wrong brother, Bonus.
All hair and grooming questions
go to David and me.
Have I taught you nothing?
Dad told me
why you call me that.
It's a term of endearment.
Everyone loves a surprise.
[laughs]
And the parentals wonder why
you're still single.
She's doing my nails later.
Hmm. That's not all
we're doing later.
Hey!
There we go.
A blog?
Who still blogs anymore?
Just read it.
[Kip]
This is unreal.
My blog has, like,
20 comments.
I usually have,
like, two.
"Thanks, Kip,
for speaking for me."
"I could have written this."
"I'm crying as I write this."
Oh, wow. It's up to 32 now.
Look.
[imitating Scooby-Doo]
Ruh-roh.
["Scouting for Girls"
by Famous playing]
Staying in again
On a Saturday night
I'm gonna settle on the sofa
And turn down the lights
I got 900 channels
But there's nothing to see
No wonder everybody thinks
They should be on TV
Oh
We all want to be famous
Oh
And be a face on the screen
Oh
Read our name in the papers
Oh
Everybody wants to be on TV
Oh
Oh-oh
Oh
Oh-oh
Oh
Oh-oh
We all want
We want to be famous
We all want
To be like James Dean
So you believe
just because you couldn't
find Mittens all night...
Yes, she was abducted
by aliens.
And they brought her back.
-In time for breakfast.
-Yeah.
Yeah, so there I was
making bacon,
and she just came trotting in
like she hadn't been MIA
all night.
She looks at me differently.
There's something
in her eyes, she...
I can't explain--
You know what?
There's this thing on her butt
I want to show you...
Oh, and we are done.
[laughs]
Thank you so much
to this week's guests,
Kevin and Mittens.
Now, before I go,
I appreciate
all of the comments
about the I Promise sitch.
If you're not following
the shenanigans
of my soon-to-be-new-bestie
Kip Parsons, you should be.
I'm gonna get her in here
to spill more tea with me,
Annie Lee.
Check back soon.
Okay, you're getting tagged
in this over and over.
This is huge.
Then what are you still
doing here?
-Call her, get her in here.
-Okay.
Don't look at me like that.
[dog panting]
She's straight-up lying.
No one gets rejected.
I mean, I can't even find her
in the system.
[Ivy]
It doesn't matter.
Hashtag "unmatchable"
is trending,
and lying or not,
she has hit a nerve.
Oh, this couldn't happen
at a worse time.
We have to handle this
carefully.
[Phil] There's nothing
malicious in her blog.
This just doesn't feel like
some massive corporate plot.
[Ivy]
Dirk, call Frankie.
Tell her we're gonna need
the office tomorrow.
-Perfect.
-Whoa, whoa.
You know,
just a radical idea here.
Maybe we should just
invite her here
and, um, tell her the truth.
No, no, no, no.
We need to impress her.
You mean scare her.
Riley, you hired us
to make the tough decisions.
Now let us make them.
Yes, is this Kip Parsons?
This is Ivy Detamore,
chief legal counsel
at I Promise.
They want to meet to clear up
any "misunderstandings."
So, you go down there
and you smack the shit
out of their lying asses.
I'm not good
with confrontation.
[zombie-like groaning]
[footsteps running]
You'll be fine.
You're like Saint Joan
at the Siege of Orleans.
You know, you're not just
fighting for yourself anymore.
That's right, you're fighting
for all of us unmatchables, Kip.
Hey, you're her.
Hashtag "unmatchable."
I love it.
Those ass-hats say they promise,
look at what they do.
I literally cried
reading that.
-[Kip] Seriously?
-[woman] Yeah.
Look at me.
You don't see anybody
queuing up to date me?
Oh, well...
in the name of sisterhood,
could you give me a pass?
[scoffs]
Get real.
They killed Joan, didn't they?
Burned her alive
at the stake?
-[snarling]
-Oh, God.
Yeah, it's not
a perfect metaphor.
[all]
We need more people.
[Annie]
Have you seen the retweets?
She's like the digital
Bachelorette.
I've been promoting it
everywhere.
We need to get her in here.
I've left six messages.
Well, call her again.
Be her friend.
She sure sounds like
she needs one.
Raina?
This story could launch me.
And wherever I go,
you'll be right there with me.
Now call her.
Wait, your motto is "I promise,"
and you told her
she was unmatchable?
-It's Riley's fault.
-No, uh-uh.
No, the code is perfect,
thank you.
Well, you can end up
in the crapper on this one.
She could sue you dry.
She would have to prove
that she got rejected,
which she can't do.
So without that,
the most she can do is,
I don't know,
complain about us.
Yeah, all over the Internet.
Which never dies.
So why are you
bringing her here?
To show her
we're the good guys.
[Frankie]
So in other words,
you want her
to take the blog down.
Pretty much exactly.
You can leave that on, you know.
Nah, our market research says
that we're better
positioned
if people think
I'm straight and single.
We live in weird times.
Well, it's go time.
So, we get the call she's here.
From the lobby to here,
you charm her with your
"I'm a sun god" shtick.
You take her down
to the broker room.
Show her a couple of computers,
right?
Ten minutes tops. She's out.
All right, I'm gone.
Careful she doesn't see you.
Um, it doesn't matter,
remember?
She doesn't know who I am.
[Dirk]
Still.
Mr. Detamore
will be with you soon.
Help yourself
to some water.
Oh, hey. What are you?
[camera shutters click]
Huh.
Puffer fish, huh?
So is this your deflated state?
You are so sweet.
-Oh, I wouldn't do that...
-Ah!
Oh, shit.
Uh...
-No!
-No!
Should we grab him?
-Hell no.
-Whoa.
-Are you gonna faint?
-No. Are you?
I don't think so.
[both]
No!
-Okay, what do we do?
-Uh, move the couch.
[Kip]
Okay.
Okay. Shh.
Go!
Oh, no. Oh!
[both cheer]
-Ah! Oh, uh...
-No.
That was amazing.
-You have such good reactions.
-Oh, thank you.
-I hunt zombies, so...
-Do you get medical with that?
Absolutely.
We're a full union now.
[both laugh]
[clears throat]
Um, Kip Parsons?
There was a spider.
It was sizable.
I need a Band-Aid.
Oh, of course.
Right this way, please.
[mouthing]
Wow, huh?
I mean, I know she almost
killed you, but...
other than that... wow.
So, this is my office.
-Thanks for this.
-Oh, yeah.
No, of course. Please.
Uh, have a seat.
Um...
Look, I never expected
so many people to read my blog.
I'm as surprised as anyone.
[laughs]
Well, you put it
on the Internet.
I put a lot of things
on the Internet,
but no one
ever reads them.
I guess...
I guess I was just angry.
I mean, unmatchable?
Here's the thing that's really
curious about that.
I checked with Development,
and they assure me
there's no code in the system
that rejects people.
So, are you sure
you used I Promise?
Well, unless you have
a doppelganger.
-[both laugh]
-I'm pretty sure.
Yeah, but if you got rejected,
why hasn't anyone else?
Well, I don't know
about anybody else.
I only know about me.
And besides,
how would I know
that no one else been rejected?
Because you told me?
And if your code's so great,
then how come
you haven't found love yet?
Look, I'm just trying to clear
up any misunderstandings
-that we have.
-I understand.
I just think you have
a credibility issue.
Because I have no reason to lie
and, well, you guys...
You do.
How about that tour?
[sighs]
Sure.
Great.
So, yeah,
so this is it.
These are your programmers?
Sure, yeah.
[Kip]
Those guys? Them?
[Dirk]
Uh, yeah. That's them.
Thank you for your time.
I hope we've resolved
any old feelings.
And so you'll take down
your blog?
Hey, man.
That went well, huh?
I have no idea
what just happened.
[Kip] They say Google performs
six billion searches a day,
but it only took me four
to prove something.
I Promise is a pack of liars.
Score! Retweet that.
Already on it.
[Kip] Ironic,
since they just accused me
of lying about being rejected.
But that's what liars do,
isn't it?
Go get 'em, Kip.
You know that slick building
in the commercials?
That's home to a brokerage firm
called Kaplan-Meyers.
Meyers, coincidentally,
is the maiden name
of Dirk's mother.
Aren't search engines cool?
[sighs]
Hashtag "unmatchable."
It's not their building.
They just use it to look cool.
They're lying about everything,
and here's the fun part:
they didn't even get to know me
before rejecting me.
If they had, they wouldn't
have tried to pass off
a bunch of brokers
as programmers.
Ties and headsets
on programmers?
Not in this world, pal.
Represent, bruh.
-[chuckles]
-Oh, her.
Oh.
-[Kip] But the clincher
was a glass statue.
A huge honor, really.
Employee of the Year.
Lotus Corporation.
Only problem is,
as any self-respecting geek
could tell you,
Lotus was bought by IBM in...
-'95.
-Duh.
June 12, 1995, actually,
for 3.5 billion
in a hostile take over.
I believe it was a Monday.
[Riley] 1995.
"I doubt Dirk D. Detamore
was employee of the year at 8,
as gifted as he may be.
But that fourth search?
Yep, Francesca Meyers.
Lotus Employee of the Year,
1992."
Please make it stop.
"So my question is,
do you trust your love life
to someone who doesn't even
bother to get to know you?
Me? I'll take my chances."
What?
"And while we're speculating,
I think Dirk is married.
But why hide it?
I'd rather know he found love
than to see underdressed models
hanging on him in every ad."
I told you.
She doesn't miss anything.
She's worse than Mom.
-Hush!
-[Phil] And she finishes with,
"P.S., against all laws
of probability,
if the cute guy
in the waiting room is reading,
I'd fish-wrangle again
with you anytime."
Did she say "cute guy"?
Ow! What the actual hell?
I can't believe
you hit on the chick
trying to ruin
our company.
How was I supposed to know
who she was?
-[Riley yelps]
-[Ivy] Oh!
Knock it off! Right now!
What is wrong with you?
We are going to lose everything
that we have worked so hard for,
and all because this silly girl
thinks she has to express
everything she feels.
You know, maybe a little legal
action would calm her down, hmm?
You mean, sue her? For what?
[scoffs]
Slander.
Libel, actually.
Oh, yeah.
I always get those backwards.
You got to be kidding me, right?
The Internet
is the written word.
You can't just say
whatever you want.
Well, yeah, you kind of can.
Okay, well, then you give us
another solution.
Um, we bring her here
and we tell her the truth.
Riley, no.
That's a terrible idea.
Not when we're trying to expand.
And we can't risk having her
write about it.
We'll sound like
a mom-and-pop shop.
But we are a mom-and-pop--
This is a family business.
And since I'm in charge,
no legal action.
Where are you going?
To improve my mental state.
-Come on, Sarah.
-Okay.
Hey, Jones, what do you think
about a dog?
Yeah, me too.
But maybe they're right.
Maybe I should go look, hmm?
-[dog barking]
-[Riley] Get rid of it!
Get rid of it, get rid of it,
before he eats your hand.
-[Sarah] Go get it!
-[Riley] Nice one!
-Fergus, come here.
-Why can't we adopt Fergus?
-He's been here for, like, ever.
-You know why, stinker.
What's Mom's one rule
about me taking you here?
[Sarah & Riley]
No stowaways.
[Riley]
Exactly. Fergus, come here.
-[Sarah] Come on. Come on.
-[Riley] All right, ready?
-[Sarah] Go get it.
-[Riley] Nice one.
[Sarah]
Aw, good boy.
So, like, why can't I throw
as far as you?
Um, maybe it has something to do
with me being, like,
-super manly!
-[laughs]
Hi! Are you looking
to adopt a dog?
-Because Fergus needs a home.
-Maybe. Yeah.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Do you remember, um...
I'm not sure.
Something about you seems...
-Fishy?
-"Dolphin-ately."
[all laugh]
[stammering]
[Sarah]
What does that mean?
[Kip]
I have a hermit crab.
-Cool.
-Yeah. Named Jones.
He was my first pet.
So a dog just feels like
this huge step
up the commitment ladder.
[Riley]
Yeah, I mean, well...
Uh, I guess I work from home,
so it's pretty easy.
Oh, I wish
I could do that,
but my boss,
he takes micromanagement
to a whole new level.
Oh, a nano-manager?
[laughs]
A pico-manager.
[Sarah]
Hey, Riley, watch this.
One, two, three.
[grunts and laughs]
Oh, my gosh, that was amazing!
-[laughs]
-She loves cartwheels.
Mm.
So are you, like,
a cool dad
that lets his daughter call him
by his first name?
-[laughs]
-What?
No, no, no,
I'm like a...
You know, a very cool
much older brother
who is just happy
when his sister calls him
by his actual name
instead of one of the thousands
of kind of rude nicknames
that she has for me, so...
Yeah, kids are brutal.
Yeah.
Hey, so...
super awkward transition.
Are you, uh, seeing anyone?
Like an apparition?
-[chuckles]
-Or like a therapist?
Or a boyfriend?
Uh...
Any. All.
No.
To all.
Kind of a disappointment.
If you saw ghosts,
that would be cool.
So, uh, I don't know.
Maybe we could...
We could, uh...
Sometime, we could...
-I don't know...
-Bus!
Oh, uh, thanks.
[Sarah]
Please adopt Fergus next time.
Yeah, I'll...
I'll think about it, okay?
Um...
Bye!
Hey, what's wrong?
I just-- I...
I didn't get a chance
to ask her out.
I know.
It's because you have zero game.
Now, you have to give it
back to her.
Boom.
Who are you?
I'm your amazing sister.
Period.
[humming]
[reporter]
Do you know her socially?
[Marco] What? It wouldn't
be appropriate.
You heard it here first, folks.
Channel 8 news.
This is Janine,
signing--
What are you
doing tonight, Janine?
Cut.
[cell phone vibrates]
Hey.
Did Marco finally get arrested
for felony-level assholery?
[Meta] Not this time.
They're here for you.
-Oh.
-Side door, LB's waiting.
Great, I lost my badge again.
[Marco]
She's just late.
She does soup kitchen stuff
in the mornings.
As if!
-[laughs]
-What a scrote.
[Janine]
And do you know Miss Parsons?
Oh, absolutely, I know her.
She's like...
She's like my assistant.
His assistant?
That's it, I'm killing him.
Wait, wait, wait,
this is the best part.
[Janine]
Do you know her socially?
Of course not.
We work together.
It wouldn't be appropriate.
-Ugh.
-Right!
Like he hasn't tried to bone
every girl in the office.
Except, you know, you.
-Yeah, it's taken.
-What, the whole thing?
-Yeah.
-But there's a girl in there.
Yeah, I know.
Perhaps you should consider
holding a press conference.
No, no. Do a live AMA.
-All right, I...
-What'd I say?
-I have to go!
-Well, go to the fifth floor.
The fifth floo--?
I don't know
how to set up an AMA.
I'll set it up.
Tomorrow, 9:00 a.m.
In the conference room.
-Sure.
-Okay, let's go.
[Meta]
Oh, you're still here.
-[Kevin] Thank God.
-You're safe now.
I think we got most of them.
Just watch your back.
[sighs]
Good night.
[sighs]
Okay.
-[sighs]
-Riley?
Kip. Hey.
Um, hey, you left this
at the dog orphan--
The, um, the shelter.
Right. Thank you.
Yeah.
Oh.
Was that your bus?
-Yeah.
-Oh.
Um...
Are you doing anything?
Like, right now?
[Riley]
So, we're really leaning heavily
-into the fish thing, huh?
-[Kip laughs]
[Kip]
It's the new VR aquarium.
I thought it was topical.
Or tropical.
[both laugh]
Oh, well, we got, uh,
like two hours until they close.
-So...
-That's a cool watch.
It's synced to the atomic,
of course.
It's binary? For real?
Yeah, naturally.
[Kip]
Sharks are so cool.
They've been around
since the dinosaurs.
[Riley] Well, yeah, they
basically haven't had to evolve
because they're, like,
perfect creatures.
I know, even shark embryos
can sense danger approaching,
and they stop moving.
I actually
read this study
where a scientist
followed a female shark
for, like, 20 years.
And they found
that they returned
to where they were born...
-To give birth.
-...to give birth, yeah.
-I'm a geek.
-Same here.
Yeah, I have, like,
all these totally random,
useless facts floating around
in my head,
and then half the time
I can't even remember
it's my mom's birthday.
But that's boring. I'm boring.
Tell me more about you.
Oh, no, I'm significantly
more boring.
Well, I don't
believe that at all.
I mean, for starters, you...
You wrangle fish.
Oh, that's true. Yeah.
It's a gift.
A calling, really.
And, um, and you don't drive,
so you're, like, what,
a greenie?
Not really.
My car got stolen.
Oh, my God.
Do you think the police
are gonna find it?
Probably not.
It's been two years.
-Oh.
-[chuckles]
[Kip] It's just a whole thing,
getting a new car.
[Riley]
Well, I mean, it could be easy.
I actually have a CarMax app
on my phone.
We can get you one
right now.
They have all different
colors of cars now.
You can get blue ones
and red ones.
-You could do like a pink car.
-Wow.
-Wow.
-Yellow.
Wow, you know a lot
of colors.
Yeah, well, it's like
a hobby of mine.
It's just memorizing
different color names.
-I have a weird hobby.
-What's that?
I make templates
for windup toys,
and then I upload them
so people can print them
from their 3D printers.
That is so cool.
Thanks.
Oh, puffer fish.
[Riley]
Oh. There he is.
Fang's cousins.
You know, because...
Oh, that's--
Oh, I see.
Yeah, no, that's--
Well, we should maybe...
-To commemorate.
-[laughs] Okay.
-To Fang.
-To Fang.
[camera shutters click]
[Kip]
Wow, this is a fancy car.
[Riley]
Yeah, it's my brother's.
It's a lot.
-Okay, controversial question.
-Hmm?
Episodes Four, Five, Six.
Luke or Han?
Luke or Han what?
Who's your dream
Star Wars guy?
Sweet, earnest Luke,
or bad boy Han?
Oh. Neither.
What?
Neither Han nor Luke
is the perfect man
in OG Star Wars.
That title undeniably belongs
to Chewbacca.
-[snickers]
-Don't laugh.
Okay, wait, so...
Sorry, big, hairy Chewie?
Oh, my goodness, yes.
You know, he's loyal.
Just turn up here.
[Riley]
Oh, okay. So big, hairy, loyal.
Which is why
you're looking for a dog.
He's macho, but he's not afraid
to show his feelings.
And he hates being away
from the people that he loves.
Who just happen to be
of the male persuasion.
-Which is fine...
-[gasps] No way.
-It's not a bad thing.
-Chewie? No.
Chewie's totally straight.
Uh, just turn up there,
and then it's another block up.
And the best part
about Chewie?
He wears nothing
except for that gun belt.
Oh, a gun belt.
Now I know what I'm doing wrong.
Mm-hmm.
Who says you're doing
anything wrong?
Oh, just, you know,
when I go on dates,
uh, I just seem to always
do something wrong.
Yeah. Me too.
My last date, I asked the guy
who, outside the MCU,
could hold Thor's hammer.
Easy. Janet from The Good Place.
Oh, uh...
[reporter]
Oh, there she is. Miss Parsons!
Actually, no,
Can you go around the back?
You need to go around the back.
[Riley]
What's going on?
[reporter]
Miss Parsons! Got it.
[gear stick cranks]
Is there something
you're not telling me?
No! Uh, well, yes.
It's just...
It's embarrassing.
Look, it was just a bad day
involving my bad boss
and his bad habits.
I blended up some margaritas,
and before I knew it,
I signed up for online dating.
Not the apps.
Just that I Promise thing.
So you signed up drunk?
Yeah. But that's not
the embarrassing part.
Oh, I mean...
-Just...
-No.
The embarrassing part
is that they rejected me.
Yeah. There I was going lower
than I thought I'd ever go,
and then they said
I was unmatchable, so...
And I got pissed off,
so I wrote a blog about it.
And I didn't expect
anybody to read it,
and then it kind of took off,
and now the company's
calling me a liar.
It's just all gotten
really ugly.
It was like they knew me
and they still thought I sucked.
Well, I...
Yeah.
It's weird. It's fine.
I'm gonna do
an AMA thing tomorrow.
and I'm gonna get everybody
to just stop talking
about it.
I don't want
to talk about it anymore.
[sighs]
You think I'm whacked.
[laughs]
I think you're
a little whacked.
And a little wonderful.
You're really a nice guy,
you know that?
Even if you think Chewie plays
for the home team.
[both laugh]
I had lot of fun
with you tonight.
Me too.
[vehicle approaching]
Crap. Uh, I got to go.
[sighs]
[Ivy]
Anything?
[sighs]
I finally found her application,
but I haven't found any record
that we actually replied to her.
I've been through this
a hundred times.
I thought we auto-checked
and sent replies to everyone.
We did, and I'm telling you,
we...
We have no record of sending
a response to her.
A match report, nothing.
Okay, but it's a computer,
right?
So all the info is in there.
It's just a matter
of pulling it out, right?
Thank you, Steve Jobs.
Riley, just tell us.
Is it possible
she's telling the truth?
No.
No, I-I test everything,
every change.
There is a very slim chance
that she didn't receive
any response at all,
but there is no code in here
to reject her or anyone.
No way.
-[sighs]
-[typing]
Guess what?
I'm doing an online talk thing
Probably gonna tank,
but I bought a new shirt
just in case.
What do we think? Hmm?
And I even put
some eye gunk on.
Huh.
But the big news
is I went on a date
with the fish cowboy.
I know. I know.
I really like him.
So...
All right, I gotta go.
Wish me luck.
Hey.
Oh, no one showed?
Yes.
Nobody cares.
As predicted.
What? What's so funny?
What don't I know?
It's because LB
set up a waiting room.
-They're all in there.
-How many people?
Five... hundred.
The maximum allowed.
Filled up over an hour ago.
No. Not doing it.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-I'm not doing it.
-I don't want to do it.
-[shushing]
That's too much.
I'm not doing it!
Breathe. You got this.
I don't know
what I'm gonna say.
-Didn't you prepare something?
-No, I didn't prepare something.
I didn't think that far ahead,
mentally.
What's that black shit
on your eyes, dude?
[all]
Shut up!
I can't do this alone.
Who says you're doing it alone?
Okay.
Okay.
-Let them in.
-All right.
I'm good.
She has a posse?
For a girl
who can't find a date,
she's got options.
They're her friends.
What? She told me about them.
[Kip]
Good morning.
Um, thank you for coming.
I'm sorry, I'm really nervous.
I didn't expect so many of you
to show up.
But, um, as my friends say,
when you put something
on the Internet,
you take your chances, right?
Um, I've had so many
wonderful messages
from so many of you.
Uh, I wish that I could just
match you all with one another.
But I came on here to say that,
thank you,
but I would like all of this
to stop now, okay?
Lots of hands up.
-What?
-Lots of hands up.
Oh. Oh.
Okay, uh, yeah. I'll take--
I'll take some questions.
Kip, Annie, from "Spill the with Annie Lee."
We would love to have you
on the show to interview.
No. Please stop asking.
It would be so good for your
blog's brand awareness, and--
[sound muted]
Kip, what do you have to say
to all the other unmatchables
out there?
Uh, I guess to ignore
labels like that.
But have you given up on love?
No, um, I haven't.
Actually, uh, I met
an amazing guy this week.
So maybe love can find anyone,
even us unmatchables.
[woman]
Kip, I love your blog.
I'm definitely
Team Unmatchable.
Can you tell us what I Promise
said in the rejection email?
You know what? I'd rather not
relive that particular moment.
Oh.
Kip, is online dating a scam?
Look, we are the online
generation, right?
We work, and shop, watch movies,
and express ourselves
creatively.
Some of us
maybe a bit too much.
Uh, so I think that you can
find love online,
I just think you might want
to use a different company
than I Promise.
Go.
[phone beeps off]
Kip Parsons?
-You've been served.
-What?
It's a temporary
restraining order
barring you from discussing
I Promise or risk arrest.
What did you do?
Riley, you said it yourself.
Either she believes
she was rejected,
or else she's a master liar.
In either case,
she's a very troubled girl.
And this is how you thought
you'd help her?
After I explicitly
asked you not to?
She's gonna destroy our business
if we don't stop her.
Dad ran the numbers,
and it's not good.
Let me ask you something,
since we're talking about truth.
When was the last time we once,
just once told her the truth
about who we are?
About who I am?
Those were business
decisions.
Well, when did we become
that kind of business, Dad?
[sighs]
No, you know what?
I started this company
because I was so tired
of working for shitty,
sleazy people.
And now here I am,
working with more--
Riley.
You're fired.
You're all fired.
Hey, hey, Riley, come on.
No, I'm serious.
You're fired. Go.
I mean it. Go.
Leave.
-Hey, Law & Order girl.
-[Kip] Hmm?
-Did you check your code in yet?
-Tomorrow.
I'm reading about
temporary restraining orders.
[Meta, laughing]
Is this your first?
Yes.
Are they really
gonna send me to jail?
Well, not if you avoid
saying "I Promise."
Which you could do by staying
in your cube and working.
Hey, dude, dude.
You got to get on Twitter.
If I wanted to listen to people
yell, I'd go visit my parents.
Look, look, look.
Some guy named Michael Rex
made a fan account for you.
Look, it has 92,000 followers
already.
Michael Rex?
Oh, I dated this guy in college
for, like, five minutes.
You better hope he doesn't have
any indiscreet pictures of you.
-Ooh, does he?
-No! Jeez.
[clicking mouse button]
Are any of those important?
No, it's just guys
asking me for dates.
And they all send pictures.
Any decent ones?
You tell me.
-[all] Oh!
-The hell's wrong with you?
You cannot show us some dude's
tackle without warning.
Oh, really? That's the sound
of every woman on the Internet
rolling her eyes.
Seriously, Kip,
you gotta delete those.
You can't have pictures
like that on your work computer.
Oi, oi. Pictures like what?
[all] Nothing.
Are they naughty ones?
Ugh.
Are your 15 minutes up yet?
Marco, I never intended--
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
You're not a victim.
You set this into motion,
and you kept it up
at every turn.
I don't know if you're doing it
to spite me,
or you just want attention.
I give up, Marco.
How is this possibly about you?
It is about me,
because we're releasing
tomorrow,
and you still haven't checked in
your code for the build.
And that, sweetheart,
has everything to do with me
and my department.
You're right.
I'm gonna work all night.
I'll get it done.
[sighs]
[car alarm chirps]
[exhales]
[typing]
[Riley whistling]
[laughs]
Hey. What are you doing here?
Oh, I am taking you to dinner?
Ugh, 404. I have a deadline.
Come on, it'll be fast.
We can go get sushi.
You're over-embracing
this fish theme a little bit.
Please come out with me.
I just...
I'd love to talk to you,
and I'll bring you right back.
We'll get takeout,
and then... yeah.
Okay.
Crap. You're married?
-No.
-Gay?
Ryan Reynolds confuses me,
but no.
Convicted felon?
[laughs]
Not convicted.
Oh, this is a friend-zoning
session, isn't it?
No. No, absolutely not.
[sighs]
Listen, just hear me out, okay?
Two years ago,
I quit my awful job
working with awful people
because I wanted
to start my own company.
And when I left my awful job,
I told myself
that from here on out,
I only wanted
to work with people
who were super talented,
but also ethical people,
right?
So I hired my mom and dad.
And I hired my brother
and his husband.
And it was great.
But then today, I-I realized
we've become a company
that I hate.
And, um...
I fired everyone.
Whoa.
And the reason I'm telling you
this is because...
-[cell phone ringing]
-Oh, my God.
[sighs]
Hold on one second.
I'm sorry.
Hey, look,
I don't want to talk about it.
Which hospital?
Okay, I'm on my way.
Is everything okay?
Um, no.
Um, you can take the car
to get home.
No, it's okay.
I take the bus all the time.
Don't worry about it.
Get in there.
Oh, Riley. Riley.
Riley?
Riley.
The good news is that
she didn't have a stroke.
-They're still running tests--
-Riley.
What the hell is she doing here?
-Dad, she doesn't know.
-Hey, you dropped your phone.
Thanks. Um...
I think you need to leave.
You know what? Don't worry.
I'll-I'll-I'll just, uh...
-I'll explain it to you later.
-Okay.
I'll...
-I'll call you soon.
-Sure.
What are you doing here?
How's Mom?
Mom?
-[Riley] Kip, I can explain.
-Mom?
-Oh, no.
-Kip, no, let me explain.
-This is...
-Oh, I'm so stupid.
-No, no.
-I'm so stupid.
[Riley]
Kip!
I'll be always falling
Yeah
Only to rise
And fall again
Kip. Hi.
I'm Raina from...
[both]
Spilling the Tea with Annie Lee.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Are you my stalker now?
Look, she's doing
a show tomorrow...
Actually, today.
...and she is desperate
to have you on.
I have a restraining order
against me right now,
which is a sentence I never
thought I would say in my life.
But the result is, I will not
be spilling any tea.
Okay, but you don't have
to mention I Promise.
Just... just talk about
the challenges of finding love
as a woman in this digital age.
Raina, I'm not good
at this stuff.
I get really wound up,
and then I just say things
I don't want to,
and I get into a situation
I don't want to be in.
Yeah, and that's why
people love you.
Kip, you speak
so many people's truths.
They're listening.
You should use your voice.
Are those Croc earrings?
Yeah. I love Crocs.
Don't tell my boss.
She would kill me.
Okay, I'll make a deal.
I have a friend.
His name is Sanjay.
He is a really sweet guy
with a good heart.
You go for a coffee with him,
I'll do your show.
-Just coffee?
-Just coffee.
And if I check
offender databases?
Oh, my God, no.
Not there. I swear.
Deal?
Okay. Yes.
-Yes. Deal.
-Great.
Go home.
-Hey, Kip?
-Yes?
What happened
to that nice guy you met?
Uh...
turned out he wasn't that nice.
[typing]
Come on.
Come on.
You know, Jones,
in retrospect,
this has been the crappiest day
of my life.
[sighs]
But I know what you're thinking.
"Suck it up, Kipper,
and get me a grape."
Jones?
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
[sniffles]
No.
Jones.
[crying softly]
[typing]
[cell phone vibrates]
I can't believe you're not
going to fight this.
I missed the deadline.
We all miss deadlines.
There were naked guys
on my computer.
We all have naked guys
on our computers.
Look, my Internet presence
was becoming disruptive.
Come on, guys,
this was inevitable.
Marco read some management book
about getting rid
of the competition,
and I just gave him
a way to do it.
Because firing our favorite lead
is the best way
to rally the team.
Hey, Kip, you know,
I'm old enough
to have been there
for "fight the power"
and "stick it to the man."
Are you sure
about doing this show?
You know, you talk about
wanting this all to be over,
and then you turn around
and poke the bear again.
Well, Meta, I made a promise,
and there's nothing else
left to lose.
Look at me.
There's always more to lose.
Always.
Be nice to the replacement,
okay?
And clean your desk
from time to time,
-for everyone's sake.
-I will.
A woman named Raina
will text you.
Go out with her.
Please wear matching socks.
I'm gonna miss you most of all,
Scarecrow.
Ah, you'll be back.
You'll see.
So I'm just gonna say, uh,
"See you later, kiddo."
I got fired,
so I won't be able to see you
every morning anymore.
Okay then.
It's been really nice chatting
to you for all these years.
I mean,
I'm gonna come by when I can,
it just won't be every morning.
You know, right now would be
a really good time
for, like, a Yoda moment.
Or some advice?
Anything?
Cool.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.
Now, I know you're upset
about me letting Kip go,
but I'm still your boss.
Giving me the Gandhi treatment
ain't a power move here.
I can fire you all.
You know, as soon as the next
release is out.
And, and, and you train
your replacements.
Guys?
Guys?
Guys, look,
this is just childish.
Well, uh,
it's good we had this talk.
So... yeah.
Yeah, get back to work.
And you too.
Is calling me Gandhi racist?
I like how he said
he let her go,
like she was trapped and
he released her into the wild.
You fired her,
you bearded fruit bat!
[LB] Hey, your car got
a big trunk, right?
[Riley]
Um, ahem, hello.
Uh, is-- Is Kip Parsons here?
Nope. Not since they fired her.
She got fired?
Who are you?
My name's Riley Detamore.
I'm... Well, I guess
I'm kind of a friend...
Uh, nice chicken.
That's Grimaldi QR model?
We love meeting couples
who have found love,
but remember, not everyone
gets a happy ending.
-[Raina] Stop fidgeting.
-Our next guest...
You look beautiful.
I feel awkward.
Graceful.
Dorky.
[sighs]
-Like a gazelle.
-Hmm.
Just remember, you're live.
Watch what you're saying.
Got it.
Please welcome my special guest,
Kip Parsons.
Oh, wait. Any bats in the cave?
All clear.
Thanks to Wild Mountain Chai
for providing us
with our tea today.
You can taste the mountain air
in every sip.
Oh, and please don't forget
to subscribe.
[laughs]
Kip, it's lovely
to finally put a face
to your name.
-Many of us unmatchables...
-She almost looks like a...
...feel like we know you
already.
...like a girl.
How has this all been for you?
She looks beautiful.
[all] Shut up.
-Guys, grow up.
-[Annie] I bet.
You've gone from lowly
computer programmer
to woman's spokesperson
in a week.
Of course, as you know,
the dating service...
Which I cannot name.
...because they're taking
legal action against you...
Okay, you are ready to go,
but we have some things
to go over.
[all shush]
I'm sure you've heard
the rumors.
You can't actually prove
that the dating service
rejected you.
Uh, I could.
But why should I have to?
Well, see, you keep dodging
the question,
and that makes me question
whether it really happened,
or whether this
is a publicity stunt.
Publicity for what?
I'm-I'm...
I'm just a normal person.
I'm not trying
to sell anything.
[Annie] But why would I Promise
come after you
unless they knew you couldn't
back up your claims?
You know why, Annie?
Big guys taking on the one
person telling the truth.
It happens every day,
and it's so easy
to hide behind lawyers,
and getting other people
to do your dirty work.
I'm standing here, alone,
talking about my experiences,
and I'm the one
going to court.
And she's off.
I mean, Dirk didn't serve me
those papers.
He knew where I was.
And his brother Riley,
he definitely knew.
But they were too afraid
to man up and face me.
You know what?
Just once, Annie, just once,
I would like to see someone
from that company say,
"Hey, we made a mistake.
We're sorry."
But they will never do that.
Because that's not
the kind of people they are,
and it's not the kind of company
I Promise is.
[door opens]
No. Stop!
[officer]
Kip Parsons...
you're under arrest for
violating a restraining order.
Oh, no.
Did you know about this?
No, I...
[handcuffs click]
[door closes]
I...
I don't know what to say.
I...
We're gonna end it here
for us today,
and I will report back once
I get to the bottom of this.
-[Ivy] Wait.
- [Annie] I'm Annie Lee.
Aren't you supposed to explain
the discharge plan to me?
Figure it out yourself.
It's not that hard.
I promise.
[camera beeps]
Oh, my God, Annie.
Where did the cops come from?
I-I didn't let them in.
I'm so sorry.
They were in my back room
the whole time.
Wait, you set this all up?
I knew she wouldn't be able
to keep her mouth shut.
I was counting on it.
Now I'm gonna go watch
my view count go up.
[scoffs]
[indistinct chattering]
[door lock beeps]
Y'all have fun now.
-[Riley] I need to talk to her.
-Yeah, well,
only a lawyer can get in
to talk to her now.
Maybe it's time
she got a lawyer.
Funeral home's two doors down.
[Riley] Uh, we're actually
Kip Parsons' attorneys.
Firm?
Dorkus...
Knapsack...
Ruffles...
and Crocs.
[all laughing]
That's good.
You know, I call my ex
"the appendix."
He caused me a lot of pain,
gave me a few scars,
but once he was gone,
I figured out
I didn't need him anyway.
[all laugh]
Okay, okay, I have one.
Chewbacca: straight or gay?
[all] Straight.
-Yes.
-Oh, man!
-And that gun belt?
-[gasps]
-[woman 1] Come on, now.
-[woman 2] Damn.
That's what I said!
Kip Parsons?
-Yeah?
-Your lawyer's here.
What? I don't have a lawyer.
Well, now you got a whole firm.
[laughing]
Oh, my God, guys!
This has been crazy.
So, what's the plan?
-Meta...
-It's gonna be okay.
We'll, uh...
We'll wait outside.
Kip, we gotta get you
out of here.
Well, you put me in here.
No, it...
It was my parents.
It wasn't me.
And that's because
they were scared
and they didn't know you.
Oh, okay. And you do?
You're just like me.
-Kip, you got to believe me.
-Why?
Riley, you lied to me.
Over and over.
What I told you was true.
Okay, I used to work for this
super sleazy dating app company,
and I left to start my own
because I wanted to build
something with integrity.
So I coded everything,
you know, from the ground up.
And that's how I know
that you didn't get rejected.
And it's okay
that you made that up.
I didn't make it up!
I didn't make it up.
And if you think I made it up,
then you don't know me at all.
-Kip, I--
-I should have gotten the dog.
He would have been
more trustworthy.
Uh, there's been a mistake.
They're not on my side, so...
[Dennis]
You fired them all?
-I fired them all.
-[Dennis laughs]
You think they'll be
at the hearing tomorrow?
Yeah. Probably. Oh, hey.
Oh, all right. Have fun.
You should have gotten
a smaller dog.
[scoffs]
Yeah.
[laughs]
Remember when that used to be
your standard
placeholder error message?
Stack overflow.
Get a dog.
Null pointer exception?
"Get a dog."
[laughs]
Holy shit balls.
What?
Come on, I need your help.
Excuse me.
[bailiff]
All rise.
The Honorable Judge Wilks
presiding.
Be seated.
Well, I've got to be honest.
You know, I've been sitting
up here a long time,
and I don't believe I have ever
been quite this popular before.
Sir?
You ordering a pizza, sir?
I'll call you back.
Your Honor, we would like
to respectfully...
Settle down.
I know why we're here.
I read every little piece
of paper that you gave me.
Miss Parsons?
Yes, sir?
[Wilks]
Sit down, please.
I'm thinking I should probably
explain how this all works,
as it appears that your counsel
may not be the finest
this city has to offer.
[camera shutter clicks]
Temporary restraining orders
are issued ex parte,
which basically means
anyone can get one.
As for the other party--
You, in this case.
--doesn't have much of a say.
But today is your chance
to convince me
that this restraining order
shouldn't be made permanent.
Whereas the folks over there
are gonna try to convince me
that they should.
Now I've read
all they had to say.
It sure sounds like
you've been mouthing off a bit.
Yeah.
I do that now.
I used to be nicer.
Sorry.
Well, why don't you
just scoot yourself up here
and tell me all about it?
Okay.
Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?
-I do.
-Be seated.
Miss Parsons, you signed up
with an online matchmaker.
Yes, sir.
And in their advertising,
this dating service implied
they can find at least one man
to go to dinner with you.
-Correct?
-Well, they did more than imply.
Their company name
is literally "I Promise,"
and their slogan is...
Yes, sorry, sir.
Well, I think we all
agree so far.
But here's where
our paths diverge.
You say they rejected you.
But you have no proof.
And yet, you're still
talking about it,
despite the restraining order.
How was your night
in our fine facility?
Not my best, Your Honor.
Your Honor,
we did not ask the police
to arrest Miss Parsons,
and regret that she had to spend
the night in jail.
[Wilks]
It's hard to imagine
who else would have
a vested interest
in seeing Miss Parsons
go through that ordeal.
I know who.
Sit your ass down.
And what is your name,
young lady?
Raina Suryanarayama.
And your role in this
twisted little drama is?
Well, I was Annie Lee's
assistant...
until yesterday,
when I quit.
She was the one who had
the police on standby
because she wanted Kip
to be arrested live.
And which one of you is Annie?
It's all about the followers,
sir.
Bailiff, please escort Miss Lee
from my courtroom.
On what grounds?
Well on the grounds
that just you piss me off.
[laughter]
Bye-bye now.
Ooh, ooh-hoo
Ooh, ooh
Miss Parsons, if we knew
what the message said,
then the folks at I Promise
say they would be happy to prove
that there's no rejection
message like that
in the system.
But since you can't tell me
what the message said...
I can tell you exactly
what the message said.
I thought you said
you deleted it.
I'll remember that message
until the day I die.
Well, let's hear it, please.
It's just really embarrassing.
Miss Parsons?
I'm gonna have to rule
against you.
Look, Your Honor,
I didn't do anything wrong here.
And this is just often
what happens with women.
You know,
everyone calls me a liar
because I told the truth.
I don't know what you...
[sighs]
[Wilks]
I am sorry.
But I'm gonna have to ask you
to be honest just one last time.
"Unmatchable.
You're a nerd and a loser.
No one will ever
find you attractive.
Take our advice.
Give up on love and get a dog
so you don't die alone."
[spectators gasp and murmur]
Damn.
[Riley]
Wait...
I Promise would like to drop
the restraining order,
Your Honor.
Miss Parsons
is telling the truth.
And you are?
Uh, I'm Riley Detamore.
I programmed
the I Promise system.
And the...
The message is real, Your Honor.
Oh, no.
-[Wilks] Keep talking.
-[Riley] Well,
when I initially coded
the I Promise system,
I-I used myself
as a test subject.
That message, Kip...
it was meant for me.
I guess I just...
I forgot to delete the code.
And I didn't think of it
until Dennis reminded me
that the initial test response
was, "Get a dog."
And then I thought about us,
and-- And Fergus.
And I realized why you were
trying to get a dog
in the first place.
The reason why that message
never triggered is because...
no one ever signed up
that was like me.
You know...
weird, I guess.
Like me.
Until now.
Riley...
I'm so sorry, Kip.
You were telling the truth
the whole time, and I...
I didn't believe you.
Can you please forgive me?
No.
Miss Parsons...
Kip...
I'm the one who escalated this.
Not Riley.
Please don't hold a grudge
against my son.
I'm not holding a grudge,
Miss Detamore.
I'm trying to set a boundary.
You really hurt me.
So why would I give you
a chance to do it again?
As much as I would like
to see what happens next,
my job is to keep
this room moving.
So if no one
has anything else...
I'm gay!
[spectators murmuring]
And I'm married to David.
What?
Oh, come on.
How could you not know?
I went back in the closet
because I thought it would hurt
my brother's business
to have a gay,
married spokesman.
But Kip's right.
Truth matters.
And that's all.
I'm so proud of you.
Well, thanks for that,
my friend.
You have my sincere hope
that no one cares.
Anyone else like to share?
No?
Okay.
If there are no
further objections,
I am declaring the order void.
[cheers and applause]
[Kip]
Sorry, Jones.
You were the best roommate ever.
[knock on door]
Kip, come on. Please open up.
-Go away.
-[sighs]
[gasps]
[screams]
Kip? Are you okay?
-[pounding on door]
-Open the door!
My crab, he's immortal.
Oh. What?
Jones died,
but now he's in there.
Well, was he just lying there,
like, out of his shell?
And did he just molt?
Oh. I guess so.
He's never done that before.
I thought he was dead.
See, he can't grow
in his old skin,
so he has to shed it.
Actually, fun fact
about hermit crabs--
I'm doing that nerd thing again.
I'll stop.
Jones, uh,
I am so proud of you.
That must have hurt
like a bitch.
You just do your thing in there,
and I'm gonna get you
something special,
like a real pineapple.
Okay, you can leave now.
Question 82.
Question 82 on the I Promise
questionnaire.
"What's one thing
that you will always regret?"
You know, I felt a little weird
writing that question
because I didn't
have an answer for it.
I mean, I should floss more,
but...
Anyway...
just...
now I'll have something I regret
for the rest of my life.
Also, the Immortal Crabs is the
name of my new calypso band.
[Kip]
And I haven't seen him since.
I'm not mad anymore.
I'm just...
I don't know.
I did all of that for nothing.
I lost my job.
My dignity.
My privacy.
And for what?
I've spent my life feeling like
no one really gets me.
Like I'm not enough.
But with Riley...
With Riley, I felt enough.
Then he's the one.
Hi.
You're enough, Kip.
The real question is...
Is he?
[laughs]
I guess I got to stop
tucking away my weirdness, huh?
[both chuckle]
Yes.
See if he can keep up.
[cell phone dings]
Can we talk?
[Kip]
Let's go. Come on.
Come on.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Oh, my God! Is this Fergus?
Yeah. Someone--
I can't remember who.
--suggested that I get a dog.
[giggles]
Too soon?
Kip.
So, this is it.
Corporate headquarters.
Also known as my house.
If you'll excuse us,
we have that appointment.
[Phil]
Right. We have to see that guy.
-What guy?
-Uh, about that thing.
Ahem.
[Ivy chuckles nervously]
[Sarah]
Bye, guys.
Oh, they're not very good
at pretending
that they have
other things to do.
I feel-- I mean,
I'm embar-- I'm embar--
Oh, dear.
Yeah, uh...
Okay, now I'm really
embarrassed.
Uh, Mom, I think that's...
Yeah, so, Mom, I think now
is probably a good time to...
-Um...
-Oh, I-I-I'm going.
-I'm going.
-Okay.
Can I show you my office?
It's kind of cool.
-Sure.
-All right, I'll show you.
[panting]
So I took my own advice
and got a dog.
That's Odin.
You asked me here to talk,
so talk.
Um...
[sighs]
Kip, I-I didn't...
Kip, that message
wasn't meant for you.
I would never say anything
like that to you,
or anyone else.
But you did.
You said it about yourself,
and that's not okay.
[chuckles lightly
We hospitalized my mom.
Yeah.
We traumatized
an innocent fish.
Mm-hmm. I got fired.
I destroyed my company.
I got both served and arrested
live on the Internet.
We have a terrible record.
We're a dumpster fire.
But if there's any way
that we can...
[Kip] In the end, I Promise did
match me with my perfect man.
The man I adore.
[panting]
After the trial, Raina
and Sanjay got coffee together.
Then dinner.
Then breakfast.
I Promise did survive,
and eventually
Riley rehired his family.
Of course, under the condition
they will never send
another client to jail,
and that I Promise brand
wasn't skyscrapers
and supermodels,
but helping people find a home.
A family.
However they define it.
Riley also hired
his friend Dennis.
And Raina, who has them all
next-level organized.
It didn't take long
for my CEO to realize
who was actually doing all
the work Marco took credit for.
Soon after, Marco himself was
released back into the wild.
They offered me his position.
I accepted,
as long as they paid me
exactly one dollar more
than he made.
Riley became
an important member
of our zombie strike team.
And a few more
members joined too.
Business boomed after Dirk
made several TV appearances.
Apparently not that many people
come out, go back in,
then come out again
in a courtroom.
Love is love,
and we all need help
finding it.
"With that in mind,
please listen to these words.
From one unmatchable
to another.
Don't tuck away
your weirdness for anyone.
Someone is out there,
waiting for you.
And they will love you,
not in spite
of how you really are,
but because of it."
I promise.
[all yelling]
I see it in your eyes
It's where forever starts
Your love is like the sky
So wide and deep
And near and far
I want to be close to you
And feel my feet
Rising off the ground
I'm gonna hold on to you
Hand in hand
Here we go again
'Cause you take me higher
'Cause you take me higher
And I won't let go
'Cause the world is ours
Tonight
I see it in your smile
It's where forever starts
Your love is like a fire
Burning wide and deep
And near and far
I want to be close to you
And feel my feet
Rising off the ground
I'm gonna hold on to you
Hand in hand
Here we go again
'Cause you take me higher
'Cause you take me higher
'Cause you take me higher
'Cause you take me higher
And I won't let go
'Cause the world is ours
Tonight