Material Girls (2006) Movie Script
(GIRLS CHATTERING)
(GIRLS CLAMORING)
- Miss Marchetta.|- Hi.
Ava, this car is so hard to get out of.
That's the point.
Anyone who ever gained baby weight|can't fit.
- Thanks.|- Hi.
Okay. How do I look?
- Total rock star.|- Thank you!
- Liking?|- Loving.
- Oh, I love it!|- Loving it.
- Hey!|- Hi, how are you?
(MUSIC PLA YING)
Hey, hey, over here! Come here!
You girls are so beautiful, beautiful!
Etienne!
Beautiful. Gorgeous.
Finally. I thought you said five minutes.
Finally. I thought you said five minutes.
My fingers were going arctic|holding your Borba water.
- Thank you.|- Cigarette?
Gross. Where's Mic?
He's over there making out|with some 12-foot-tall model.
What?
JK!
- I'm sorry. I love you.|- Babe!
AVA: Mic.
- What up, Tanz?|- What's up?
Johnny from the show wants to meet you.
He's gonna be on the cover|of "Teen Vogue" next week.
You should think about it.
- He's gonna be at my party.|- Your party?
Don't you mean our party?
And wait until you see the fierceness|that I'll be wearing.
GIRL: Oh, my God!|Aren't you Razz from "Long Island?"
I cried so hard last week when you|caught Teanne doing it with your dad.
Is she gonna kill herself?
Tune in on Wednesday night|after "American Idol."
Go, groupie.
- You want me to sign your abs?|- Oh, my God! Yeah!
That would be great!
I love the way that you spell your name.
You are such a creative genius.
Ava, don't let it bother you. He loves you.
- He's just used to random hounds.|- Whatever.
I just cannot wait|until we announce our engagement.
You have a little smudge.
Should've used|Daddy's smudge-free lip sealer.
Pure beauty genius.|I love it. I will make love to it.
- I know you would!|- I know I will!
Go have fun. Eat your man.
- Hey, Jose!|- JOSE: Hey.
MARTINIQUE: Tanzie! Tanzie!
Come with us. Tara Reid and Fred Durst|are gonna karaoke.
You guys, if I have to hear them|do Spice Girls one more time...
I hate classic rock.
Tanzie! You have been|such a downer lately.
BRIGITTA: Yeah.
I'm gonna have to give you|some of my Prozac if you don't chillax.
Guys, to be honest with you,|I didn't wanna come tonight.
- I wanted to stay home and finish...|- Are you insane?
You know Martinique feeds everything|to "Us Weekly."
Do you really want them writing that you|wanted to stay home on a Thursday night
and fill out|some weird college application?
We are the face of Marchetta,
and the face of Marchetta|does not study chemistry.
MIC: Babe, I'm missing you out here!
- Come on!|- Come on, y'all, let's sandwich.
- Come on, let's go.|- Okay.
(HIP-HOPMUSIC PLA YING)
Come on, y'all!
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)
THROUGH HEADPHONES)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
at how many people could improve
if they would just treat it properly.
to harsh chemicals and to the sun,
this is a nightmare for the skin.
If you start with an all-natural regimen,
most of the skin's difficult problems.
is actually overtreating the skin.
Now, take toner, for example...
the most in my life
is my father, Victor Marchetta.
I'll always remember him in his lab
concocting the perfect lipstick.
I'll never forget the time he taught me
artificial colors.
(GROANS)
Good luck with the girl's bedroom, Ava.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
...with this sad excuse of a breakfast.
I don't even think low carb is gonna cut it|this morning.
I am so bloated. Can I just have hot water
and cayenne pepper|and maple syrup and lemon?
I need to cleanse.
- I need an aspirin.|- AVA: Me too.
Hey! Tanz, give it a rest.
You can't keep sitting here|watching Dad's old TiVo'd shows
from two years ago|for the rest of your life.
- Plus that skin show's disgusting.|- I find it comforting, Ava.
Oh, that's so sweet. And creepy.
Plus I gotta clear up some space here.|Mic likes me to watch all of his shows.
And this week,|Razz and his dad get in a fistfight.
Ava, give it!
- We're talking Golden Globe material!|- No, stop!
NED: Do you have the X-rated version?
that Italian cinema for you.
- Yeah.
from the slammer. You're on TV, pal.
For Channel 10 News, I'm Ned Nakamori.
- And you're ripping people off!|- BOTH: And you're ripping people off!
- I hate that cheez whiz.|- INEZ: Ava! Delivery for you!
Oh, goodie!
(GIGGLING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
I'll take that, thank you.
"Ava, you are so hot. Love, Mic.
(BOTH EX CLAIM)
"PS: Don't forget to watch me tonight|after "American Idol." '"I love him.
- Ava.|- It's my engagement ring!
Thank you very much. The gate is open.
- It's huge.|- How romantic is he?
Look at that! He has such great taste.
- Ava, you picked that out.|- Well, yeah, but he likes it.
- It's huge.|- Oh, girls.
- Do you like it?|- Yes.
Okay, come on, come on, come on.
- You have a meeting to go to right now.|- Can't we reschedule?
- Yeah, can't we go tomorrow?|- No!
- Tomorrow.|- No, no, we cannot do that again.
Not reschedule. This is charity.
Oh, that reminds me. I cleaned out|my closet for your church's clothes drive.
Thank you.|Homeless people love Dolce & Gabbana.
Hey, babe, we love this song!
ON CAR STEREO)
(CAR HORN HONKS)
- Let me take this.|- Thanks.
- Thanks.|- No problem, Miss Marchetta.
- Thanks.|- You said that already.
Right.
Tanzie?
I've gotta come to the office more often.
- Hi.|- Hi.
- AVA: Hey.|- Hello.
- How are you?|- COSMETICIAN: Nice blouse.
- Hi, Jasmine.|- JASMINE: Good morning.
- Hi.|- TOMMY: Hey, hey, hey!
- Tommy!|- Tommy!
My gorgeous girls. Are you hungry?
Let's get some food, come on.|You're too thin. Both of you.
You're too nice.
Hey, let me ask you girls a question.|Seriously.
What do you think of this tie?|It's off the chain, right?
- This is Rocawear.|- Rocawear.
- And yes, it's nice. I like it.|- Are you...
- You look very handsome.|- Rocawear? Hey!
Can I get some snacks?|I want an assortment for these girls.
- This is Jaden. She's our new intern.|- TANZIE: Hi, Jaden.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, Jaden?
(WHISTLES)
- I love your dress.|- Thank you.
Maybe when I'm done with it,|I'll give it to you.
(STUTTERING) Let's go in my office.|I need to talk to you about something.
On the DL. Look who I have here.
- Hi, Pam. How are you?|- Hi, Pam.
Hello, my darlings.
- Hold my calls, Pam.|- Sure thing.
PAM: Oh, Craig is waiting.
- Hi, Craig.|- Hi, Craig.
- How are you girls?|- Good. How are you?
- Great.|- All right,
let me put this as delicately as I can.|Our future is in the crapper.
- Thank you, Pam. You may depart.|- Why not?
- CRAIG: Very nice.|- Thanks.
There's no new product.|The truth is, without Victor Marchetta,
there is no Marchetta Cosmetics.
And, so, this is what|you're going to inherit
when you take over the company in July|and I'm no longer your trustee.
I mean,|you girls even wanna run this place?
Well, I mean, you're gonna be, you know,|doing most of the running, right?
Yeah, sure. Yes, yes, of course.|Of course I am,
if you keep me on.|But there is another option.
(DOOR OPENS)
No, I'm okay, thank you.
Jaden? Do me a favor, would you, please,|sweetheart, and split? Go. Out.
TOMMY: Thank you.|CRAIG: Oh, well.
We have information that Fabiella is|going to make an offer on this company.
Fabiella? That's Daddy's worst enemy.
All right, just listen|to what Craig has to say.
I prefer very, very hard pressure.
- Yes, I'm sorry. I'm scheduling a shiatsu.|- What?
- What did you say?|- The offer! Fabiella!
Yeah, right. Okay.
If the numbers come in from Fabiella|tomorrow where I expect them,
I mean, we could pay off our creditors|and still have a unit for each of you.
- A eunuch?|- Unit. 100 mil.
And you girls could spend that cheddar|however you'd like.
I could finance|Mic's independent movie with that.
- Ava?|- What?
He wrote a really good script, Tanzie.|It'd be like an investment.
This is Daddy's legacy|that we're talking about.
TOMMY: All right. Chill, chill.|Everybody, chill out. Just relax.
We'll think about it. There's no rush here.
We'll take our time.
In the meantime,|let's go see some charities
and earn ourselves a tax credit. Come on!
We specialize in making large-print books|available to seniors
who suffer from macular degeneration,
or just plain bad eyesight.
We also offer storytelling|to the very elderly.
Yet, for some reason,|this is not considered important
by the federal government,
which is why|we're in need of private funding.
Please, help our aged neighbors enjoy|the gift of reading.
Thank you.
That was very touching.|Thank you so much.
We'll let you know by the end of the week.
- PRESENTER: Thank you.|- We're actually gonna take off, too.
Tanzie remembered|she has a really important appointment.
We like the breast cancer lady|and the animal cruelty lady.
And the animal cancer lady.|The rest is all up to you guys.
- Thank you.|- Was there an animal breast lady?
She was first.
- Do you think Tommy's going to be mad?|- No. How can he be?
He knows we only have six hours|to get ready for the gala.
Excuse me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Oh, no. Am I late?
I thought my appointment|was in 10 minutes.
Not bad for a guy in a suit|from Men's Wearhouse.
- You're one of the charity people, right?|- Yeah. Henry Baines.
- Greater Los Angeles Free Legal Clinic.|- Medical clinic?
No, we help people|who can't afford an attorney.
Let me give you my card.
Wait. So, you don't even help people|with terrible diseases?
No. We help people who are poor.
Right, but that's not a terrible disease,|per se.
I mean,|they don't even have a ribbon for that.
Okay. I guess|I'll have to look into that one.
By the way, a little Preparation H|under those eyes
- will really get rid of the puffiness.|- AVA: Tanzie!
- Will really get rid of the puffiness.|- AVA: Tanzie!
(GIRLS CHEERING)
(CAMERAS CLICKING)
Here they come! Okay, let's get them.
AVA: Will my Sidekick fit in your bag?|TANZIE: Sure.
AVA: Okay. Well, give me your lip gloss.|I'll put it in mine, and you put it in yours.
- Okay?|- Okay.
(ALL CLAMORING)
Okay, "Us Weekly" and "People" are first!
We're mad at "Gossip Weekly" because of|the byline they said about me being gay!
People Magazine.|Are you excited about tonight's events?
- We are.|- We are, of course.
We're just so excited just to be able|to remember our father like this.
Well, what I want to know,|how do you stay so toned?
- I mean, you've got runner's legs.|- Thank you.
So do you!
- Hi, Teri.|- Hi.
Where's Mic?
Mic is actually in Long Beach doing|a very special episode of "Long Island."
- Is it true you're engaged?|- Wherever did you hear that?
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
Hi, we're the Marchetta Sisters,|and you're watching E!
I'm so bored of this.
CHARLENE: If you make it into "People,"|we'll sell a lot of lipstick.
(ROCKMUSIC PLA YING ON STEREO)
Phoebe, how are you?
- There's Jacqueline.|- Who?
You know, Joe Tweeney's daughter.
- Jacqueline, hi!|- Hi, Tanzie.
- You look stunning!|- So nice to see you.
- Beautiful outfit.|- Where did you get all this stuff?
We watched that episode.|It was so great. Ava!
Oh, my God! We love that show.
- We cried.|- We all cried.
- We should send her some...|- Oh, look. There's Fabiella.
Now, remember. Be charming.
But don't let her think you're too easy.
- Okay. Hi!|- Go, girls.
Look at you two. So hot, I am blinded.
- Thank you.|- Now, about the offer.
I knew Vic a long time, and let me tell you,
we had a relationship|that was built on mutual respect.
That's why I'm here.
To see you two so grown-up in charge.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Now, I've got the market cornered|on the 35 and ups.
And you've got the Gen-Y crowd.
Together we are unstoppable.
(MAN LAUGHING)
Oh, I'm sorry. I just saw|one of my ex-husbands over there.
Some advice, girls.|Never go younger. Even by a month.
A hard bod is no substitute|for wisdom, girls. Remember that.
Okay.
- Well, well, well.|- Tommy!
A powwow of squaws. Fabiella.
I'm sorry, but I can't have you|talking business with my girls tonight.
Of course.
Enjoy your evening, darlings.
- Thank you.|- Thank you.
And you as well. Come along, sweeties.
- Thank God you saved us.|- Keep smiling. She's still watching.
From his early days in the South Bronx,
on his own little stove,
of the cosmetics world,
the words of Winston Churchill,
but we make a life by what we give. '"
Here.
Before his tragic death two years ago...
- Thank you, Tommy.|- Share with your sister.
It's so sad.
became a huge success.
I have raccoon eyes.
You should have used|Daddy's waterproof mascara.
- Family was always a top priority.
- Let's check out the gift bags.|- Don't.
You do not understand|that this is supposed to be sad? Okay?
...so important to him.
young women we see here today.
- Smell, smell.|- No, no. Night cream.
Dang, this is like $100 an ounce.
Hey. You guys, have some respect.
please welcome Marchetta 's CEO
Tommy Katzenbach.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
TOMMY: Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Charlene.
Charmaine. Charlene, forgive me.
that few others did.
We grew up together.
the old Tom Kat along as his number two.
I'm all about this phone television.
- Oh, my God.|- I love things in mini.
Then he creates Madonna 's first look.
Her second and third looks.
and Marilyn Manson.
All beautiful, beautiful women.
(ALL LAUGHING)
were always his daughters.
(SHUSHING)
for A va and Tanzie Marchetta.
Girls.
- You've been like a second dad to us.
with all of the tormented teen-angst years.
And the car accidents.
Let's look through the channels.
What channels?
Hey, the Game Show Network!|I love it. I love it.
Go to Channel 10.|The girls are on television!
MARTINIQUE: They're on the news.
(WOMAN ANNOUNCING ON TV)
Hey, Mom, Dad, check out your TVs.
for coming out tonight
- and honoring our father.|- What is he saying?
you trusted to make you look good...
to be the face of this company.
MAN: Hey, put it on the screen!|WOMAN: Yeah, put it up!
and infections.
- While developing their night cream...|- What's happening?
I didn't approve this spot.
... it appears the founder, Victor Marchetta,
shocking and permanent side effects.
- What's going on?|- Somebody!
the Marchetta Everdew Night Cream...
(ALL MUTTERING)
A VA: Somebody, turn it off.
A VA: Excuse me, turn it off. Sit down!
(ALL CLAMORING)
your gift bag before you leave?
Come on, come on! Hurry up!|Come on, come on, come on, let's go!
- Stop looking at that.|- This is bad! The stock's gonna plummet!
- I can see the headlines!|- Don't quote them!
What's gonna happen with the company?
Go home. Take it easy.|Don't say anything to anybody.
I'll take care of everything. Here. Go!
What are we supposed to do,|just go home and sit there?
Eat something. Go!
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
gone out of business from similar scandals.
we have very few answers
the chilling images, one thing is certain.
most celebrated socialites...
...life is about to change.
- What are we...|- Ava, this is so weird. We're here all alone.
Stop creeping me out.
Well, how do regular people|deal with this?
They get pets.
I'm getting a tension headache.
Where's a spa when you need one?
AVA: This stuff smells so good.
I mixed rose water with tea tree oil|and avocados. It's very invigorating.
- You're good at this stuff, just like Daddy.|- Thanks.
You're lucky you have a real skill.|Unlike "moi."
- Ava!|- What?
- You have skills. Tons of them.|- Like?
Like commanding a room, for one.
You can get people to do anything for you.
- I think one day you could run Marchetta.|- Don't say Marchetta.
I never want to hear|about that company again.
You know, I don't think|Dad did anything wrong.
Maybe in a couple of days|this will all just die down.
Yeah, maybe. That feels so great.
There's nothing I love better|than getting my temples rubbed.
Except new shoes.
(THUDDING)
What was that?
(PROTESTORS SHOUTING)
(BOTH GASPING)
MAN: There they are!
People. They're throwing things up here.
AVA: So much for this dying down.
I'm never gonna get into a college now.
Not everything is always about you,|Tanzie.
No, it never is!|Unless it's you telling me what to do, Ava!
All I do is try to help you!|And you know what?
- Sometimes it gets so annoying!|- TANZIE: You know what?
Don't even give me that|older-sister martyr act, okay?
- Ava!|- What?
- Ava!|- What?
- I don't wanna hear it, okay?|- Ew. Stop it!
Why don't you just go open a window|if the smoke bothers you so much?
And then you can see|how much everybody loves us.
- Stop it. Stop smoking! Stop, stop!|- Tanzie!
Shut up for a second! Oh, my...
- What did you do?|- Why'd you have to smoke?
You're the one who grabbed it|out of my hand.
Smother it!
Ava!
- Do something about this. I don't do this!|- I don't know.
- I don't know how to put it out!|- I don't know how!
Oh, Daddy's watch!
- My dress! Hurry, get out!|- Daddy's TiVo!
TANZIE: Call 911.
Fire!
(BOTH YELLING)
Come on!
(SCREAMING)
(SIRENS WAILING)
Go!
Hi. We need a suite.
And can you have the room service people|send up two orders
of your wasabi mashed potatoes|as soon as possible?
- We are in serious need of comfort food.|- Right away.
Mic still isn't answering.|Neither is Tommy.
So sorry.|Your credit card has been declined.
What? No.|This is a corporate platinum card.
It has no limit. Try it again.
- It appears your account's been closed.|- What?
Hey! What are you doing? Stop!|You know what?
I'm gonna take those scissors,
and I'm gonna|cut off your summer 2003 bangs!
- You little nasty little hotel troll!|- We are inside a hotel.
Okay. Everyone is staring at us.
Please, let's just go.|I just wanna get out of here.
- CRAIG: Hello.|- Craig!
What the hell is wrong|with our credit cards?
(CRAIG LAUGHING)
I had to cancel all your cards.
- The company's in trouble.
Everything's leveraged to the hilt.|"That means no credit cards, no cash," nada.
- Hey, can you hold on a sec?
I'm trying to swing myself...
...on the back of Tiger Woods cart.
Craig, if you put us on hold,|I'm gonna come over to that golf course,
and I'm gonna tee off on your face! Craig!
board meeting set for tomorrow at 4:00.
And wish me luck with Tiger Woods.
I will not wish you luck with Tiger Woods!
- Ava!|- Come on.
Let's call Inez.
Turn around.
Man, we gotta get a better ride.
We can't be rolling up to the clubs|in a hoopty.
I know, man. I feel you.|Got what you got, you know?
JOEL: Yeah.
(MUSIC PLA YING ON CAR STEREO)
- Hello, ladies. Let me help you with that.|- Thanks.
The keys are inside, okay?|Just try to be careful.
Thank you.
Let's go, man. Now.
At least it has valet.
ON CAR STEREO)
I'm rich.
(DOG BARKING)
(EX CLAIMS)
Inez.
Girls.
I'm so glad you're here. Look at you both.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
I'm so glad you're here.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Considering we went from Tiffany's|to Target in one single night.
I make some tea.
Are you sure you have room for the two|"idiosos" that burnt down their house?
"Idiotas." And you are not "idiotas."|Here, let me help you with those.
I always have room for you two here,|my babies.
- You can stay in my daughters' bedroom.|- TANZIE: You have a daughter?
Yeah. I have two.|They live with my mother in Colombia.
- Nezy, how come you never told us that?|- Because you never asked. "Caliente."
Well, why don't they live here with you?
Have you ever heard|of post-9/11 immigration delays?
The "terroristas" have won.|Okay, girls. Come on. Let's go to sleep.
It's very late. It's almost 2:00.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
You're gonna feel very comfortable here.
Let me fix this for you.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Good night.
(SIGHS)
It's so weird not being at home.
It feels weird not having a home.
Ava, why does all this stuff|look so familiar?
'Cause it used to be ours.
Daddy must have given it to her.|I didn't even recognize it at first.
My puppy sticker collection is still here.
My popcorn scratch-and-sniff!
(SNIFFS)
It still smells like popcorn.
I feel like Daddy's still alive,|and he's just gonna come and save us.
Well, he's not.
And Mic's still not answering his cell!|His battery must have died.
That's really not important right now, Ava.
I'm announcing|my engagement tomorrow!
My life is not ending just because Dad|screwed up some dumb Everdew formula!
What?
I'm never talking to you ever again.
Fine.
Who's gonna get the light, Ava?
Okay. Time to wake up.
- Thank you.|- You're welcome.
And here. Practice your Spanish.
I am so glad I rescued my dress.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
To have lost it would have been a tragedy.
Tell me about it.
I have no idea what I'm gonna wear|to the party. I have no clothes!
Yes, you do!
I still have the hand-me-downs|you gave me for the church drive.
There are not too many homeless|that are size 2, anyway.
Okay. I'm done here. I'm leaving.
- Where are you going?|- Yogalates.
And then I'm off to Sassy Maids|to see if they'll take me back
after all these years.|Some of us have to work for a living.
Oh, and girls, please behave.|Don't burn down the house.
Lock the door. See you later.
Do you remember this? This was yours.|Do you want it back?
No.
Not bad.
Cute.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
AVA: Kids.
I feel so last year.
Calm down. Retro's really in right now.
Hi. It's the red Mercedes.
- What do I look like, a valet?|- Yes.
Honey, there's no valet here.
(SIGHS)
Oh, God. I'm God's personal joke.
I think he said we need to get on the 2
and then switch to the 37.
And then on the 6. On the 6!
Just like J. Lo.
And then...
And then we gotta get on the 2,|but a different 2 than the first 2.
This is ridiculous.|Somebody has gotta come pick us up.
You're right. You know, friends don't|let friends take public transportation.
Especially the bus. Ava.
I've heard about the bus.|People pee on the seats.
- Tanzie. They don't pee on the bus.|- They pee.
(BEEPING)
Wait for the beep.
Mic! Baby, it's Avie. Where are you?
What's going on? I mean,|I've called you, like, a million times.
We're announcing our engagement|in, like, two hours.
Call me, call me, call me. Okay?
But don't worry about Tanz and I.|We're on our way.
Our ride just got here. Bye. Love you.
- Lady.|- What?
I'm not tipping you|till I know how your service is.
It's $1.35 each.
- Fine.|- I've got change.
- We're going to 273 Benedict Canyon.|- Good for you.
Excuse me.
(GRUNTS)
Why do they have to start like that?
(SNIFFING)
- It smells in here.|- I know.
Hey! I could feel that.
Oh, my God.
Excuse me. I am not God's personal joke.
I'm his entire comedy routine.
That's why in Japan,|women have their own buses.
Wait, wait! This isn't Benedict Canyon!
- Where are you going?|- No tip for you!
TANZIE: Why aren't there any sidewalks?
Ava, I can't do this anymore.|I've got blisters.
- And I didn't even really wanna come.|- Tanzie?
This is|my engagement announcement party.
Everybody already knows you're engaged.
I mean, they knew when you started|wearing that promise ring
and saying you guys were just friends.
Come on.
Ow.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
MAN: Yeah, all right.|I'll take care of that. Yeah.
- Hi.|- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- It's Ava and Tanzie Marchetta.|- I'm sorry, you're not on the list.
I am Mic's fiance, okay?|I wrote the freaking list.
It's Marchetta. With an M.|You know, like Manila.
Yeah, I know who you are.
My mama used to like|to wear your lipstick.
Yeah, but I bet if she had the same skin|shade as you, she'd like the raspberry.
Mama died last year.|Maybe now I know why.
Do you know how mad Mic is gonna be|when he finds out how you treated us?
- You're done. He is gonna be so pissed.|- Look! Look, it's Etienne.
- Etienne! Etienne, hey! Etienne!|- He can't hear you.
(ROCKMUSIC PLA YING ON STEREO)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Go!|- Etienne, it's us.
We're outside,|and this guy isn't letting us in.
Actually, I decided not to go to the party|because my throat is a little tender.
Turn around.|I am looking at you on the patio.
That's not me.
(YELLS)
- We're being totally dissed.|- By Etienne?
- Yeah.|- He worships us.
- Well.|- He was gonna go straight for us.
You know what?|He's not straight for us anymore.
And you know what?|Etienne's not even Brazilian!
- Ava!|- Sol! Thank God.
I know, baby, I know.
We've been on this bus,|and we've been hiking around.
And then this guy won't even let us in!
Just take me to go and see Mic.
Yeah, actually,|that won't be happening now.
As his agent,|I have to look after Mic's best interests.
And the thing is, "Long Island" is|about to squeak into the top ten.
Let's face it. You're a liability now.|So, as far as the engagement goes,
I think we're gonna have to pass.
Pass? What are you saying?|Are you dumping me?
Well, technically,|Mic's dumping you. Look.
I have to think long-term,|and a career choice like...
Okay. Right.
From a business standpoint, you know,|I get where you're coming from, okay?
But look, on the other hand,|this was my engagement day,
and I risked my life to save this dress.
So, you know|what you can tell your client? Karma!
- I'll let him know. And one other thing.|- What?
We're gonna need the ring back.
You know what else?|"Long Island" is a really bad show!
- I hate it.|- TOMMY: This is a disaster.
Our sales have plummeted|precipitationally.
And the retailers have already returned|almost 90% of our shipments.
(FOOTSTEPS PATTERING)
- Hi.|- Hi.
Hi. Sorry.
Jaden, for heaven's sake,|get them a moist towel or something.
- What's going on?|- Carry on.
Carry on. Yes, well.
Fabiella did make us an offer.
It was lower than we hoped for,|but in light of present circumstances...
How much is it for?
How much is it for?
Sixty cents on the dollar|for all our private stock.
Sixty cents?
It's actually quite generous.|I mean, it could go down again next week.
What?
If we sell to Fabiella,|what happens to the Marchetta name?
If we're lucky, we disappear quietly.
Quietly disappear?|What about your investigation?
Well, I looked into the Everdew file...
Thank you, Pam.
And I don't know how to tell you this,
but there were some problems|in the testing stage.
And your father, for whatever reason,|decided not to deal with it.
What he's saying|is that the complaints are legit.
I'm sorry, girls.
But, Tommy, you're not just gonna, like,|accept this, right?
I mean, you're gonna track down|those people from the story.
Yes, yes. I'm gonna try.|I threatened to sue.
- But Nakamori won't give up his sources.|- People, can we pick up the pace here?
Yes. All right, let me be frank here.
This company was already a sinking ship.
With this new publicity scandal,|we're the "Titanic."
It's disfortunate but true.
And this is an excellent opportunity|for the shareholders to save their hides.
It's a great opportunity.
I gotta pee.
Yeah. Thanks.
Thank you for sharing.
Oh, my God. I am a federal emergency.
- No wonder Mic dumped me.|- What are we doing in here, Ava?
I don't know.|I just needed a second to think.
Well, come on! Let's just go in there|and vote to sell this stupid company
- that Dad totally screwed up.|- Hey, look, Daddy wasn't perfect, okay,
but getting things right|was so important to him.
- What do you mean?|- I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet,
but I know I want|to get my hands on those test files.
We vote no. We don't believe our father|is guilty of any wrongdoing.
The board doesn't need your votes to|pass this. Now, let's get this thing done.
I've got a plane to Maui in an hour.
All those in favor of bringing this offer|to the stockholders for approval
with our recommendation to sell?
- I'm going to exstain.|- Yes.
I will see you all in 30 days|at the stockholders' meeting.
You...
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
MAN 1: Can I get a statement?|When can I get a statement?
Hey, hold back!|Come on, come on, come on! Step back!
Please, people. Step back.
Sir, if you could step back|just a couple of feet. Just stay back. Guys!
MAN 2: There they are.
(HORN HONKING)
REPORTER 1: What do I press?|REPORTER 2: Come, follow me.
- Four, three, two, one.|- Ava, come on.
This is Brad Tibe at E! And I'm actually|following the Marchetta sisters
right here in downtown Los Angeles!
Come on. Hurry.
(GROANS)
- Ava.|- I think it's broken.
You have to leave it.
- No.|- Leave it.
- No.|- Yes.
- Rick.|- Get in.
REPORTER: Can I get|a statement from you?
- Is it true your cosmetics cause cancer?|- No.
Come on! Give me an E! Exclusive!
AVA: It should be on the left.
TANZIE: Thanks.|RICK: You're welcome.
Yeah.
It's so windy.
- Thanks.|- Sure.
Rick, you were amazing.
We owe you bigtime.
And I never welch on a debt,
despite what you might read|in the papers.
Don't worry. I'll collect on that later.
And I never believe|what I read in the papers.
Good.
Bye.
Jeez. Tanz.
- He's a parking attendant.|- He's cute.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Los Angeles Free Legal Clinic.
Hi. Remember us?
Can we have a word with you|in your office?
You're looking at it.
But this is a really|embarrassing emergency.
I'm sorry. My private suite's being redone.|It's either here or the janitor's closet.
Okay, we need a lawyer.
A free lawyer.
Wait a second.
You two want me|to work for you pro bono?
- But you're rich.|- Haven't you been watching TV?
- We're destitute.|- I don't watch TV.
Besides, you're not destitute.|I mean, come on,
- you've got cars and houses.|- Yeah. We sort of burned the house down.
And our car got stolen.
Besides, everything we own|belongs to the company.
And they wanna sell us to Fabiella.
- For only $60 million.|- Each.
- TANZIE: Obviously, we need help.|- Look.
This is a place where|underprivileged people come for help.
Not privileged people|who don't wanna sell their company.
But our privilege got taken away from us.
Yeah! And don't you think that it's fishy|that Fabiella wants to buy us,
and then this scandal|just falls into her lap?
Yeah, but shit happens.
I mean, it's a coincidence|that I can't pay my phone bill
on the same day|that my student loan is overdue.
But that's the way it is.
Look, if Fabiella wants to buy|your company, why don't you just sell it?
Then you'll have all your money,|and everything'll be fine.
Henry, money doesn't buy happiness.
- I know that. Do you?|- I don't know, but that's not the point.
The point is that
we don't want our father's reputation|to just go down in ruins.
- And we need somebody to be on our side.|- Yeah.
What it sounds like you guys really need|is a private investigator to look into this.
Well, do they have|pro bono private investigators?
No. They're actually pretty pricey.
Look, you guys might want|to look into getting a job.
In the meantime,|I can look into some of the legalities here.
Yes!
She has a degree|in Medieval Literature from Harvard.
She'll make a great addition|to your staff at Medieval Times.
Yeah. Happy jousting.
(SNEEZES)
- Oh, God.|- Bless you.
You girls have your rsums?
We had headshots,|but we lost them in the fire.
Okay.
Doris, do you have any Motrin?
What are your skills, girls?
We can dance. You mean, like dancing?|We're really good dancers.
No, I mean, like, can you type?
Can we type? We're good.
We can do, like, ten IMs a minute.
- See?|- Yeah. Great.
Listen, girls. I don't think|that you need an employment agency.
I think you girls need an|unemployment agency and a typing class.
(SNEEZES)
Feel better.
I cannot believe|we didn't get our unemployment money.
I mean, we've never even been employed.
Shouldn't that mean|that we would get more unemployment?
What a tragedy.
Right up there with the federal deficit.
You know, maybe we should launch|a congressional probe, huh?
And my feet hurt so bad.|I need new shoes.
How am I supposed to get new shoes|without unemployment money?
Hey, you wanna try my Easy Spirits?
You know, my cousin Costanza,
she walked all the way here|from Colombia in a pair of those.
- Really?|- No, but they're very comfortable.
Okay, you guys,|enough with the shoe talk already.
What are we supposed to do|about money?
Well, how about Sassy Maids?|They're always hiring people.
- Ava.|- Well, I guess not.
But do you know what, girls?|I don't work for you anymore.
So, while I am cleaning up|after bulimics in Bel Air,
I really would appreciate|a little bit of help around here.
See you later.
(CHA TTERING ON TV)
This doesn't seem like it's doing anything.
This is enough to make me go vegan.
He's in this water dispute,
of papers just from all kinds of places.
You know, it would probably be easiest...
Wow. It is amazing what you can do|with a really good push-up bra.
We should do that, Ava.
- Do what? Start wearing push-up bras?|- No.
Become investigators.|Then we won't have to pay anyone.
You were the one that said you wanted|to get your hands on those files.
Yes. Let's do it.
- Investigators.|- Yeah.
Inez was right. These babies are amazing.
They're so comfortable.
I'm never gonna wear Jimmy Choos again.
Bite your tongue.
These are gonna be my investigator shoes.
Just gotta get my size.
- Hi, Pam.|- Oh! You girls look nice.
Really? We're wearing|our charity hand-outs.
Fantastic.
- I'm taking off. Hey!|- Hi.
- Is something wrong?|- No, no, no.
We just came to help out and see if,|you know, anybody needed anything.
PAM: Tommy Katzenbach's office.
I wish I could stay awhile,|but damage control.
Fabiella's on line 1.|She'd like to speak to the girls.
- No.|- Talk to her.
- I think you go.|- TANZIE: No, no.
Now she's gonna know|we're fighting about her.
No.
You, you, talk to her.
Hi, Fabiella.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
How are you?
- I've been so concerned. Are you well?|- We're fine.
Good.
I'd like you to come to the office|tomorrow for a little chat.
Businesswoman to businesswomen.
Katzenbach, too, of course.
I'll send my car.
I'll see you at 1:00.
What?
- No!|- What?
- No way!|- What?
I am not going anywhere near|that crazy's office. No.
- Maybe we should go.|- Ava?
Whatever you think, you know.
- We should go see what she has to say.|- It's up to you, if you wanna go.
- Have you seen Tanzie and Ava?|- No, I think they left.
Oh, thank God.
I asked them to change that toner|in the copier.
And they said, "Why does it need a toner?|Does a copy machine have large pores?"
I think that's a perfectly|reasonable question.
por favor.
(TANZIE SPEAKING SPANISH)
Oh, I look disgusting.
- And you got super serious.|- It's a disguise.
You know, I don't know why we didn't|just ask for the Everdew test files.
Okay, rule number one: Don't trust anyone.
That's true when it comes|to dating B-list TV stars and in business.
- Walk like Lucy.|- Yep.
Ava? Come on.
- Hold on, they should be right here.|- Well, they're not. So, can we just go?
Come on, I'm geeking out here.
My autonomic nervous system|is launching stress hormones.
Come on, you know the biochemistry|calms me down. Come on!
They're not in here.|Maybe they're still in Tommy's office.
Okay, come on, let's go.
Shoot!
- Ava, come on, this is nuts. Let's go.|- Hold on. Wait, wait.
Do you know how to pick a lock?
What you think I look like,|Ma, a gang banger?
(RICK CLEARS THROAT)
- Nice outfits.|- Rick?
- We're interning.|- Obviously, I mean, with those bags.
Your hair looks really nice today.
Maybe you could help us with something.
- In Tommy's office.|- All right. Let's just make it fast.
- Do you have a bobby pin?|- I do.
Thanks.
- How'd you learn that?|- I was a gang banger.
Just kidding.
But I did have my juvie moments.
All right.
I can't believe|I let you guys talk me into this.
You know, I could get arrested.|I could get fired.
This whole thing was her idea.
Look, I promise|you're not gonna get fired, okay.
In fact, whenever we're in charge again,|we're gonna promote you.
We're gonna make you|head of the whole parking lot.
Parking lot? Why do you think|I work in the parking lot?
Because you park our car.
- We don't have a parking attendant.|- Really?
I parked your car because I'm nice.
I'm a lab technician.
That is so cool.
Look, I'm glad you two lovebirds|are having so much fun over there.
Meanwhile, I just found all the files.
Look, Everdew Night Cream formulas,|lab analysis, test results.
And names and numbers|of all the people we tested.
Oh, my God. We gotta get out of here!|Come on.
What? Why?
Yo, wait! Hold on, stop!
Wait!
(DOGS BARKING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Why do we have dogs?
We got them last year|after all the break-ins.
We had break-ins?
You guys didn't pay any attention|to the business, did you?
- No, apparently not.|- No, kind of.
- I really like chemistry.|- Get out of here. So do I.
That's why I work down in the lab.
I love it. I've actually been filling out|all my applications...
- No way! Where?|- Okay! Hey!
While I can really appreciate|this whole exchange of sexual banter here,
there's dogs outside|that want to rip our faces off!
Yeah, let's go.
(BARKING)
TANZIE: So, are we outside the fence now?|RICK: Yes. We're safe here.
Oh, good.
- Here, take this.|- What?
- RICK: Okay, here, give me your bags.|- Don't drop that.
Hold up.
- Come on.|- These shoes rock!
I don't even feel like I'm gonna plummet|to my death at any moment.
Speak for yourself.
- RICK: Okay, I'll go first.|- What? Go where first?
- Down there.|- No! Not into the trash.
- Rick, no!|- Tanzie, no. Wait.
Tanzie, I am serious!
- Do not! Do not!|- You can do it!
Just pretend you're diving in the ocean|in St. Bart's.
- No, I can't.|- This is so not St. Bart's.
- Come on, Tanzie.|- No!
You caught me. I guess that, like,|makes you my hero or something.
You bet.
(AVA SCREAMS)
- Get me out!|- Ava!
Get me out! Grab my hand!
Are you okay?
Whoa. Beam me up, huh?
I smell jasmine.
We have it piped in.
- I love Century City.|- The Marchettas are here.
- Please make yourselves comfortable.|- Thank you.
These are so ugly.
Velvet. Sweet.
Remember,|we have to speak her language.
Okay.
FABIELLA: May I offer you some coffee?
Latte, espresso, cappuccino, mocha.
Caramel macchiato, chai tea?
I'd kill my first born|for a caramel macchiato.
Honey, if you knew my first born,|you'd kill him for a lot less than that.
- You?|- I'll take a chai tea.
- Janet, make it happen.|- Yes.
Now tell me. Tell me the truth.|Are you well?
Are you truly, truly well?
Because if you're not,
I have two of the most|"wunderbar" psychiatrists on my payroll,
and I'd be so pleased to lend you one.
Thanks.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
I'll have one of those expressos, Janet,|with the chocolate shavings.
It must be easy coming to the office|every day when you have a spa like this.
Yeah, this way no one can pack heat, huh?
(LAUGHING)
Just breathe. Relax.
Now, I know things have really|sucked bigtime for you lately, girls,
but all that's about to change.|I want your company.
I want you to make the deal.
You want to be a chemist? Be my chemist.
Go to any college you want.
You want to travel?
The ancient ruins of Pompeii.
The bronzed island boys|of Mustique await you.
Do it on my dime.
I want you girls|to be the face of my new line.
A line we create together.
But our reputations|have been completely ruined.
Oh, I'll clear his name.
I'll make your father a hero again.
Listen up.
My father, Morris Farbrinsky,|pulled himself up by his bootstraps
to become mattress king of Atlantic City.
Everybody called him a crook.
But his memory means everything to me.
- I know what you're going through.|- Thank you.
Oh, Tran, Bob. Hurrah.
Why don't you give the girls foot rubs?
Tran? Better yet,|why don't you massage Ava's temples?
Remember, girls. I can give you|everything you ever wanted.
(MOANS)
So, maybe Fabiella wasn't so bad after all.
- Ava!|- What?
I cannot believe you.
I mean, one temple rub and you...
Wait.
How psychic was she|about how much you liked those?
So she did her homework.
But that doesn't just mean|we're gonna give up and sell, right?
JK.
Well, you're gonna help me|go through these lists, right?
Yes. But if Dad did it, we sell.
And if he didn't, we fight!
Okay.
Out of the thousand tested,|153 people had adverse reactions.
- So I divided up all the phone numbers.|- Okay.
And now we start calling people.
Let's do this!
Hi, Dinah? Ava Marchetta.
Thank you.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Actually, I was calling to talk to you|about your reactions
to the Everdew Night Cream.
You're sure your skin was fine after that?
Hi, Ava Marchetta.
I was just calling to speak with you|about our Everdew Night Cream.
Thank you very much.
Yes, thank you.
- INEZ: What?|- That's another one.
She said her rash|was nothing like the story on TV.
- What?|- Tanzie, wake up. 92 through 103.
Thank you so much.|Okay, great. Thank you.
- Well?|- That was the last one.
That woman's doctor said|she had nothing but a rash.
This is crazy.
Not one person|had long-lasting side effects.
Where did Ned Nakamori|find all these victims for his story?
Teanne, no!
What did you do? Huh?
Oh, Razz. I love you so much.
- It's okay. It's okay.
(CHA TTERING ON TV)
TEANNE: I deserve to die!
Don't die, baby. Don't die!
We have to get you to the hospital.
- Three-months' worth of birth control pills.
Oh, hey. What are you doing here?
Thought you were the pizza.
I brought you these.
And where's your sister?
I thought you two|were borderline Siamese.
I thought you didn't watch TV.
- It smells like beef in here.|- It's the "carnicera."
Is that why you came here?|To smell my office?
Ha ha.
So, interesting books you've got here.
What is this? Pleasure reading?
My sister works|for "The New York Review of Books."
So, she sends me the ones|with the funniest titles.
And, yes, I do read them. I like to read.
So, sister, huh?
That's something we have in common.
Yeah, it's probably about the only thing|we have in common.
Well, you're awfully quick to judge.
As much as I'm enjoying|your spontaneous attack
on my character and office smell,
would you do me a favor|and get to the point?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Just a second.
- Hey, Tanz.|- Hey! Check this out.
to the current Everdew formula.
- And Dad changed it.|- No way.
Yes way.|He took the isopropyl lanolate out,
but there's no records of this in the files.
I'm telling you, Ava,|this thing is screwier than Courtney Love.
- Okay, well, just see what you can find.|- Okay.
- You don't have a case.|- What?
Not one of these people|had a permanent reaction.
And then we find out|that the formula was changed.
Someone had to have fabricated|those testimonials.
- You don't have any proof, though.|- Yes, we do.
- No, you don't.|- Sure, we do.
No, you don't.
Okay, fine. We don't.
With us today is Ned Nakamori,
that story in Los Angeles.
for the troubled company?
Is a sale to Fabiella Cosmetics imminent?
That's right, Christiane. It's expected that
vote in less than two weeks,
to archrival, Fabiella.
will prevent another atrocity
a few weeks ago.
All I wanted was a good moisturizer.
- Information.|- Yes! Hi.
I need a Los Angeles number for KLAE.
- Hello.|- Hey.
- What's your name?|- Gene.
- Hi, Gene. I'm Tina.|- Hey, Tina.
Did anyone ever tell you|you look like Tanzie Marchetta?
- Thanks.|- You're much prettier, though.
- Thanks.|- No problem.
I'm sure you're a lot nicer than they are.
What spoiled jerks.|Screwing over all those people like that.
Hey, Gene.
Believe it or not, I'm actually on the prowl|for some of those release forms
that people have to sign|before they go on television.
I mean, everyone you air|has to sign one of those things, correct?
Yeah, that's right.
So, I was wondering if I could just get|a little look-see in that file room.
- Oh, I am not authorized to do that.|- Gene.
I'm gonna be in so much trouble.
My boss needs them for a TV emergency.
If you could just help me|this eensie-weensie little bit?
You're gonna be quick, right?
Hurry!
What the hell's going on in here, Gene?
Well, well. What have we here?
Her boss is having a TV emergency.
Gene, you must be a stone moron.|Do you know who that is?
- That's Tanzie Marchetta.|- No.
You're in big trouble.
Sorry, it's not exactly Sushi Roku, but...
Are you kidding?|This stuff is so much better than sushi.
You haven't had Domino's before?
Well, once at Brigitta's|white-trash hoedown party.
But, other than that,|our chef always made us low-carb pizza.
Good Lord.
Look. Thanks for helping us.
All of our so-called friends have treated us|like lepers since this happened.
Yeah, I know about the leper thing.|I was a debate team nerd in high school.
- So...|- Really? That's cute.
- Nerds are, like, really in right now.|- Yeah? They weren't back then.
A beautiful girl like you|wouldn't have given me the time of day.
I don't know about beautiful.
I gained two pounds since I've been poor.
I used to make fun of regular people|with their eye bags
and their love handles,|but worrying about money is really tiring.
I got my first eye bag yesterday.
You could use a little|Preparation H for that.
You still look pretty great to me.
My mom was a model, so looking great|was considered a genetic requirement.
Where is your mom, anyway?
She's in Europe with an Egyptian prince.
She changed her name to Isis,|and she calls us her cousins.
We get e-mails every few years.
You wanna know something|really funny, though?
I can remember living in|this teenie-tiny little walk-up
and being really happy.
I mean, Tanzie doesn't remember that,|but I totally do.
You're different than I thought|you were, Ava Marchetta.
(CAT YOWLING)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!|I was just attacked by a vermin!
What happened?
I can feel it! Get it off me! I hate rats!
- That's my cat, Clarence Darrow.|- Oh, whatever! It was vomitous!
- I hate cats!|- Well, excuse me!
- What? You think I'm overreacting?|- He's a cat!
He looks like he has rabies!
- Come on.|- How can you stand this?
This is like an episode of "Fear Factor!"
I'm sorry I don't live in a mansion|and have a Chihuahua with a pedicure.
And, what,|because you work in a cesspool,
you think you're like Gandhi or something?
What about you?|You're all frosting and no cupcake.
I am cupcake! Okay?|And you are pretentious and sloppy.
Thank God I didn't kiss you!|You would've needed a tetanus shot.
Because I would have let you kiss me.
You were practically in my lap.
- I was reaching for more pizza.|- Sure, you were.
I was! And you know what?|You can't talk to me like that.
You know why?|You work for me. You're fired.
You can't fire me.|I'm helping you out for free.
You're still fired.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
What! Hello? What?
- Hi.|- Hey, Sue, check it out.
Looks like one of them|fancy prostitutes from
got herself cold busted.
- Come on.
your entrepreneurial spirits.
It's not my thing. You know?
In fact, it's really a personal failing|on my part.
You know, 'cause if I could|just get myself more organized...
- You got some soft skin.|- Yeah.
It's like a baby's. How you do that?
Trespassing and attempted theft.
- $20,000!
What kind of criminal has $20,000?
What is wrong with the justice system?
It ought to be peanuts for you, missy.
You know what? Henry, stop!|You can't drag me away like that, Henry.
You know what? Henry, stop!|You can't drag me away like that, Henry.
And you know what else?
The only reason that you're still here|is because Tanzie's in jail!
Ava, there's a bail bondsman|around the corner.
And what?|He's just gonna give me the money?
No, he'll loan you the money.|You just have to give him some collateral.
I don't have any collateral.
- But that's my dad's watch.|- It's your sister, Ava.
Sorry, Rolie. Time for you to go.
Okay, the key to soft skin like mine|is exfoliation.
Exfoliation.
- Exfoliation.|- Exfoliation.
Yes.
Now, Laporscha, all of that makeup|is really hard on your skin.
You need to be kinder to your pores.
If only we had some kind of a scrub.|Something fine but grainy and...
Oh! I got an egg roll in my bra.|Just give me a minute.
That's okay.
I got sand all up in my toe jam|running from the po-po.
Great.
Anything abrasive like this|will really get rid of those dead cells.
Okay, you want to use natural|hypoallergenic ingredients on your skin.
Stay away from formaldehyde.
You don't even want to know|how much formaldehyde
a woman swallows a year|just from her lip gloss.
Okay, you want to use, like, sea kelp,|oatmeal, natural lactic acid.
Girl, we can't afford nothing|but the cheap stuff.
And nothing that costs two bucks is gonna|make your skin feel this good.
Yeah, if they just sold something|like that at the Rite Aid, huh?
- Tanzania Marchetta? You made bail.|- Really?
But we were just getting ready|to start a book club.
- How'd you get so good at this?|- Practice.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
How dare you sneak in like that?
What in the world are you wearing?
- No wonder you ended up in jail.|- No!
Girls, you're gonna drive me crazy.
You smell like Satan's armpit.|Go wash those things off! Go!
And you. Come here, young lady!|Where do you think you're going?
Who do you think you are,|calling me and leaving a message?
"Oh, Nezy, well, Tanzie's in jail,|but don't worry."
Don't worry?
- You almost gave me a heart attack!|- I'm sorry!
I didn't know|you were gonna be so worried.
What? Are you crazy?
Who am I, if not your mother?
You're the one always telling us|that we act spoiled all the time
and that we don't appreciate you.
That's what mamas do.
- Don't you understand?|- I'm sorry, Nezy.
I am. I'm sorry.
You know, apart from my own two girls,|you're everything to me.
I know that.
And I would never let you suffer.
- I love you.|- Nezy, we love you, too.
Look at you.
You remind me so much like your father.
He was a very good man.
And he was gonna|bring my girls over here.
He was?
I wanna help you with that.|I wanna finish what he started.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
TANZIE: Hey!
Could someone come and help me in here?
The tattoo that Butch Brenda gave me|isn't coming off.
She said it was henna!
Rural route 17.
- How ghetto is that?|- This was your idea, Tanz.
Pothole.
Told you we should've gotten the Beamer.
And I told you too expensive.
Someone's been hanging out|with Henry a little too long.
- Look, I went over there for help. For us.|- Yeah. You want him, Avie.
Well, what about you?
You and Rick practically, like,|jump each other every time you see him.
Admit it, Tanz. You think he's hot.
- I'll admit it when you admit it.|- So, you admit it?
- No, I didn't.|- Yes, you did.
Well, then, you did, too.
(WOMAN ANNOUNCING ON RADIO)
Ava, I like Henry a lot more than I like Mic.
The thing I like about Henry is...
I mean, you know,|assuming that he ever talks to me again.
- What?|- He takes me seriously. You know?
Like Daddy did. And I used to resent that.
And I used to think, you know,
all he wants me to do is be good|at everything and take care of you.
But, now I think, wow!|You know, he really believed in me.
Sometimes I wish Dad had've been|a little bit harder on me.
- You do?|- Yeah.
But look at you now, Tanz.
I mean, you're the one that got the clue|that's gonna get us out of this.
And then you're gonna go off to UCLA,|and you are gonna be
the most genius chemistry major|that they've ever had.
Do you mean it? Really?
And, like, you know,|the hottest chemistry major, too!
You know.
(ENGINE BACKFIRING)
(ENGINE BACKFIRING)
(HORSE SNUFFLING)
Margo Thorness?
So, after I had|those awful, awful side effects
with the Everdew Night Cream,
the company offered to pay|for my reconstructive surgery.
- They did?|- Yes, ma'am.
Did you happen to have|any skin problems before?
Oh, no. No, ma'am.
It's funny, then, that I saw you|on the eczema documentary on KLAE.
Oh, that?
Well, see, at the time, I didn't know|it was the Everdew causing the problem.
- So, I went to see a whole lot of doctors.|- I see.
Do you happen to have|any pictures of yourself
- before you had the reactions?|- No. I...
You know, I'm a shy, delicate flower.
I really don't like being photographed.
But you have all these pictures of you.|With all your cats.
Yeah, but...|You know, that's more for my cats.
Really?
Oh, my! I need to get to church!
- On a Wednesday?|- Yes, sugar pie.
I run a Bible study,
so I'm afraid|I'm gonna have to ask y'all to leave.
Now!
Does she think that we're complete idiots?|She was so full of it.
I saw her face, and you know what?|That was not an allergic reaction.
- That is severe eczema scarring.|- Tanz, we're screwed.
- What are you talking about?|- We don't have any time left.
- And we have no proof.|- We paid for those surgeries.
- We can find those records.|- Look, it doesn't even matter.
The vote is on Saturday.|It's over. It's done!
- You're just gonna give up like that?|- Yes!
This is not fair! It's not right!
The world doesn't care, Tanz. Okay?|Would you just grow up?
God.
(ENGINE TURNING OVER)
Bite me! Could this get any worse?
We could die here.
(BANGING ON WINDOW)
You tell your friend Margo|if I catch one of her mangy cats
spraying on my Vee-Dub one more time,|I'm setting the damn cat on fire!
You hear me? On fire!
- Oh, my God!|- Sick! I hate cats!
- Sir! Hey, sir!|- Tanz, wait!
- How long has Margo lived there?|- She grew up here with her mama.
Thank the Lord|she finally got her face fixed.
That Big Dipper mark scared me to death.
It did look like the Big Dipper.|That's what I said! Remember...
Priorities, Tanz.
- Excuse me? When did she get that mark?|- She was born with it.
That is lovely, sir! Just lovely.
- Can we get a jump?|- Sure.
Wait until Tommy hears|about this Margo stuff!
- Screw Tommy.|- What do you mean?
You and I are taking care of ourselves|from now on.
Tommy hasn't done jack.
All he's gonna do|is tell us that we need proof.
You know what? He wants proof? Fine.
You and I are gonna get it.
Red leather, yellow leather.|Red leather, yellow leather.
AVA: Ned Nakamori?
Well, well, well.|Ava and Tanzie Marchetta in the flesh.
- What can I do you for?|- Well, have we got a scoop for you.
- What can I do you for?|- Well, have we got a scoop for you.
Wait, let me guess. It was a hoax, right?
Darling, I hear that from all my busts.|Everyone's innocent.
Sorry, I'm busy.|We're about to go to national feed.
Are you too busy to hear|about a high-powered CEO
involved in stock fraud?
- You'll get the exclusive.|- Yeah.
All we need is just|this one teenie-tiny little thing.
(WHISPERING)
You're a regular Martha Stewart.|Well, except for the going to jail part.
HENRY: Are you sure|you know what you're doing?
- I'm sorry. I...|- More than anything in my whole life.
- And my office isn't too embarrassing?|- Absolutely not.
Besides, there's something|really comforting about this place.
I even came close|to petting Clarence Darrow today.
Wow. That's a big step.
And I was wrong about you.|You are cupcake.
Will you guys just kiss already|and get it over with?
(TOMMY CLEARING THROAT)
- Well, hello, hello!|- Hello?
Oh, cheese. Nice touch.
- I understand we're celebrating a merger.|- Great!
- Hi. How are you?|- We'll get together.
- Tommy, this is our attorney Henry.|- Henry. Pleasure.
- How are you?|- And this is Craig.
I love you very much. I'll talk to you later.|Hey, nice to meet you.
- Hi.|- Hi.
Tommy let me come|as his secretary today.
Pam's sick. Isn't that awesome?
Your nose.
- It looks kind of like mine.|- Thanks.
You were my inspiration.
"Buongiorno," chicklets. I'm over the moon.
- This is Nelson, my attorney.|- Fabiella.
- Tanzie.|- I'm delighted you're here.
- Nelson. Tommy Katzenbach.|- Good to see you.
- How are you?|- Hi.
- Cheese?|- Thank you, no.
No, no, no. Bad for the complexion.
- What is this place?|- AVA: This is our lawyer's office.
Bravo on the cost-cutting measure.
I always say, "Never spend|too much money on a lawyer.
"They always gouge you in the end."
I'm missing courtside Lakers for this.
This better be good.
Why don't we just all take a seat?
- And we'll get started.|- I'll stand.
I'll sit.
Tommy, you told us all along|that we needed proof
to convince the stockholders|to believe in us, and you were right.
Our father changed the Everdew formula|after the initial tests.
He took out the isopropyl lanolate.
Which we chem nerds know|can cause irritation.
Girls, I'm absolutely enthralled|by the chemistry tutorial,
but I'm not quite sure I see the point.
We tracked down one of the victims.
The woman that we found wasn't scarred|by Everdew Night Cream.
She was born with a skin disease.|She lied.
AVA: And we found her with perfect skin,
thanks to the plastic surgeries|that Marchetta paid for.
Wait a minute.|How come I didn't know about this?
Why didn't you explain this to us,|Katzenbach?
What? This is the first I've heard of it.
Well, this has been quite a hoot, girls,|but I've got a company to run.
When you're ready to talk merging,|I'll take your call.
Hold it!
We also found the canceled checks|from all of the surgeries,
paid for out of our personal accounts.
No wonder we were overdrawn, Craig.
We also found the anonymous package|sent to Ned Nakamori.
It came from you, Fabiella.
You don't think I'm so desperate|for this company that I'd plant evidence?
Fabiella, don't say one more word.
You're right. Someone did plant evidence.
- But it wasn't Fabiella.|- It wasn't?
Ask yourself this, Nelson.
Who would have access|to all of the Everdew test results,
or access to our personal bank accounts?
Tommy, our trustee.
- What?|- What? What?
The messenger slip you signed.|You put the Marchetta zip code.
In your handwriting.
Girls, you know I'd never...
Can it, Katzenbach. You set me up.
You said you could get me Marchetta|on the cheap.
And I said, "Spare me the details|and make it happen."
So what? I'm a little bit of a criminal,|but, hey, it's business.
Daddy didn't leave you his company,|so you decide to steal it?
You devalued our stock|and you framed Fabiella.
You'll be facing some|major SEC violations, Mr. Katzenbach.
Katzenbach, you wannabe player.
Trying to step to these babies|like a cheap soothsayer.
But you've been kicked to the curb,|and your time is up.
So, you gonna find yourself begging|with a little tin cup.
All right! So what?
You girls would have been set for life!
I built this company, too, you know?
Is it my fault that|I'm not some genius chemist
makeup man|that all the babes are hot for?
(GROANS)
Bravo, girls. You deserve your company.
Round one to you. I'm impressed.|You may be heavyweights yet.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Oh, my...
Chairman Tweeney,|I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds
in asking to fire Mr. Katzenbach.
- Fire?|- Effective immediately.
Not at all, Ms. Marchetta.
Sweeties? Have a little simphatico, huh?
All I ever wanted|was an office in Century City.
Your attorney's here, and Mic's on line 1.
I'm sure he's looking for a job|now that he's been killed off "Long Island."
Take a message,|and also these have all been approved.
Thanks, Jaden.
- Hey, sexy.|- Hey, Counselor.
Did I ever tell you|you look so great in Men's Wearhouse?
Come on, it's Nordstrom's. Sales rack.
More carotene oil.|We want nourishment with staying power.
I'm going like baby's-butt softness here.|And affordability.
- Good call, freshman.|- Thank you.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Good night.
- Good night, Mama.|- Good night, Mama.
- You caught me.|- You bet.
That's not me.
- A VA: I'm looking at you on the patio.|- Duck!
I don't know what you're talking about.
- That's not me.|- WOMAN: Run!
- Give me that!|- Why don't you go open the window?
If the smoke bothers you so much|then maybe you can...
(LAUGHING)
I could taste it all in there.
Sorry. Don't do that.
MAN: All in... All in favor...
- WOMAN: All in favor of bringing...|- All in favor...
(LAUGHING)
You told me|you could get Marchetta on the cheap.
And I said, "Spare me the details.
"Go ahead. Do it. Make my day."
But you been kicked to the curb.|Your time is up.
And I even forgot my line.|So whassup, whassup, whassup?
- WOMEN: Exfoliation.|- Exfoliation.
Yes! Now, LaFonda. LaFonda!
- I need something fine but grainy...|- Oh, I got a bagel in my bra.
- Just give me a minute.|- I can't look at your face.
Something fine but grainy.
Oh! I got a chunky|peanut butter sandwich in my bra.
- Just give me a minute.|- No, my gosh.
I got a tube of toothpaste in my bra.|Just give me a minute.
That's okay.
Something fine and grainy...
I got a jar of maraschino cherries|in my bra,
if you just give me a minute.
No, that's okay.
(LAUGHING)
Would you just grow up, for God's sakes?
(ENGINE CLUNKING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
- This skin show's disgusting! Stop!|- I find it comforting.
Well..
(GIRLS CLAMORING)
- Miss Marchetta.|- Hi.
Ava, this car is so hard to get out of.
That's the point.
Anyone who ever gained baby weight|can't fit.
- Thanks.|- Hi.
Okay. How do I look?
- Total rock star.|- Thank you!
- Liking?|- Loving.
- Oh, I love it!|- Loving it.
- Hey!|- Hi, how are you?
(MUSIC PLA YING)
Hey, hey, over here! Come here!
You girls are so beautiful, beautiful!
Etienne!
Beautiful. Gorgeous.
Finally. I thought you said five minutes.
Finally. I thought you said five minutes.
My fingers were going arctic|holding your Borba water.
- Thank you.|- Cigarette?
Gross. Where's Mic?
He's over there making out|with some 12-foot-tall model.
What?
JK!
- I'm sorry. I love you.|- Babe!
AVA: Mic.
- What up, Tanz?|- What's up?
Johnny from the show wants to meet you.
He's gonna be on the cover|of "Teen Vogue" next week.
You should think about it.
- He's gonna be at my party.|- Your party?
Don't you mean our party?
And wait until you see the fierceness|that I'll be wearing.
GIRL: Oh, my God!|Aren't you Razz from "Long Island?"
I cried so hard last week when you|caught Teanne doing it with your dad.
Is she gonna kill herself?
Tune in on Wednesday night|after "American Idol."
Go, groupie.
- You want me to sign your abs?|- Oh, my God! Yeah!
That would be great!
I love the way that you spell your name.
You are such a creative genius.
Ava, don't let it bother you. He loves you.
- He's just used to random hounds.|- Whatever.
I just cannot wait|until we announce our engagement.
You have a little smudge.
Should've used|Daddy's smudge-free lip sealer.
Pure beauty genius.|I love it. I will make love to it.
- I know you would!|- I know I will!
Go have fun. Eat your man.
- Hey, Jose!|- JOSE: Hey.
MARTINIQUE: Tanzie! Tanzie!
Come with us. Tara Reid and Fred Durst|are gonna karaoke.
You guys, if I have to hear them|do Spice Girls one more time...
I hate classic rock.
Tanzie! You have been|such a downer lately.
BRIGITTA: Yeah.
I'm gonna have to give you|some of my Prozac if you don't chillax.
Guys, to be honest with you,|I didn't wanna come tonight.
- I wanted to stay home and finish...|- Are you insane?
You know Martinique feeds everything|to "Us Weekly."
Do you really want them writing that you|wanted to stay home on a Thursday night
and fill out|some weird college application?
We are the face of Marchetta,
and the face of Marchetta|does not study chemistry.
MIC: Babe, I'm missing you out here!
- Come on!|- Come on, y'all, let's sandwich.
- Come on, let's go.|- Okay.
(HIP-HOPMUSIC PLA YING)
Come on, y'all!
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)
THROUGH HEADPHONES)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
at how many people could improve
if they would just treat it properly.
to harsh chemicals and to the sun,
this is a nightmare for the skin.
If you start with an all-natural regimen,
most of the skin's difficult problems.
is actually overtreating the skin.
Now, take toner, for example...
the most in my life
is my father, Victor Marchetta.
I'll always remember him in his lab
concocting the perfect lipstick.
I'll never forget the time he taught me
artificial colors.
(GROANS)
Good luck with the girl's bedroom, Ava.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
...with this sad excuse of a breakfast.
I don't even think low carb is gonna cut it|this morning.
I am so bloated. Can I just have hot water
and cayenne pepper|and maple syrup and lemon?
I need to cleanse.
- I need an aspirin.|- AVA: Me too.
Hey! Tanz, give it a rest.
You can't keep sitting here|watching Dad's old TiVo'd shows
from two years ago|for the rest of your life.
- Plus that skin show's disgusting.|- I find it comforting, Ava.
Oh, that's so sweet. And creepy.
Plus I gotta clear up some space here.|Mic likes me to watch all of his shows.
And this week,|Razz and his dad get in a fistfight.
Ava, give it!
- We're talking Golden Globe material!|- No, stop!
NED: Do you have the X-rated version?
that Italian cinema for you.
- Yeah.
from the slammer. You're on TV, pal.
For Channel 10 News, I'm Ned Nakamori.
- And you're ripping people off!|- BOTH: And you're ripping people off!
- I hate that cheez whiz.|- INEZ: Ava! Delivery for you!
Oh, goodie!
(GIGGLING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
I'll take that, thank you.
"Ava, you are so hot. Love, Mic.
(BOTH EX CLAIM)
"PS: Don't forget to watch me tonight|after "American Idol." '"I love him.
- Ava.|- It's my engagement ring!
Thank you very much. The gate is open.
- It's huge.|- How romantic is he?
Look at that! He has such great taste.
- Ava, you picked that out.|- Well, yeah, but he likes it.
- It's huge.|- Oh, girls.
- Do you like it?|- Yes.
Okay, come on, come on, come on.
- You have a meeting to go to right now.|- Can't we reschedule?
- Yeah, can't we go tomorrow?|- No!
- Tomorrow.|- No, no, we cannot do that again.
Not reschedule. This is charity.
Oh, that reminds me. I cleaned out|my closet for your church's clothes drive.
Thank you.|Homeless people love Dolce & Gabbana.
Hey, babe, we love this song!
ON CAR STEREO)
(CAR HORN HONKS)
- Let me take this.|- Thanks.
- Thanks.|- No problem, Miss Marchetta.
- Thanks.|- You said that already.
Right.
Tanzie?
I've gotta come to the office more often.
- Hi.|- Hi.
- AVA: Hey.|- Hello.
- How are you?|- COSMETICIAN: Nice blouse.
- Hi, Jasmine.|- JASMINE: Good morning.
- Hi.|- TOMMY: Hey, hey, hey!
- Tommy!|- Tommy!
My gorgeous girls. Are you hungry?
Let's get some food, come on.|You're too thin. Both of you.
You're too nice.
Hey, let me ask you girls a question.|Seriously.
What do you think of this tie?|It's off the chain, right?
- This is Rocawear.|- Rocawear.
- And yes, it's nice. I like it.|- Are you...
- You look very handsome.|- Rocawear? Hey!
Can I get some snacks?|I want an assortment for these girls.
- This is Jaden. She's our new intern.|- TANZIE: Hi, Jaden.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, Jaden?
(WHISTLES)
- I love your dress.|- Thank you.
Maybe when I'm done with it,|I'll give it to you.
(STUTTERING) Let's go in my office.|I need to talk to you about something.
On the DL. Look who I have here.
- Hi, Pam. How are you?|- Hi, Pam.
Hello, my darlings.
- Hold my calls, Pam.|- Sure thing.
PAM: Oh, Craig is waiting.
- Hi, Craig.|- Hi, Craig.
- How are you girls?|- Good. How are you?
- Great.|- All right,
let me put this as delicately as I can.|Our future is in the crapper.
- Thank you, Pam. You may depart.|- Why not?
- CRAIG: Very nice.|- Thanks.
There's no new product.|The truth is, without Victor Marchetta,
there is no Marchetta Cosmetics.
And, so, this is what|you're going to inherit
when you take over the company in July|and I'm no longer your trustee.
I mean,|you girls even wanna run this place?
Well, I mean, you're gonna be, you know,|doing most of the running, right?
Yeah, sure. Yes, yes, of course.|Of course I am,
if you keep me on.|But there is another option.
(DOOR OPENS)
No, I'm okay, thank you.
Jaden? Do me a favor, would you, please,|sweetheart, and split? Go. Out.
TOMMY: Thank you.|CRAIG: Oh, well.
We have information that Fabiella is|going to make an offer on this company.
Fabiella? That's Daddy's worst enemy.
All right, just listen|to what Craig has to say.
I prefer very, very hard pressure.
- Yes, I'm sorry. I'm scheduling a shiatsu.|- What?
- What did you say?|- The offer! Fabiella!
Yeah, right. Okay.
If the numbers come in from Fabiella|tomorrow where I expect them,
I mean, we could pay off our creditors|and still have a unit for each of you.
- A eunuch?|- Unit. 100 mil.
And you girls could spend that cheddar|however you'd like.
I could finance|Mic's independent movie with that.
- Ava?|- What?
He wrote a really good script, Tanzie.|It'd be like an investment.
This is Daddy's legacy|that we're talking about.
TOMMY: All right. Chill, chill.|Everybody, chill out. Just relax.
We'll think about it. There's no rush here.
We'll take our time.
In the meantime,|let's go see some charities
and earn ourselves a tax credit. Come on!
We specialize in making large-print books|available to seniors
who suffer from macular degeneration,
or just plain bad eyesight.
We also offer storytelling|to the very elderly.
Yet, for some reason,|this is not considered important
by the federal government,
which is why|we're in need of private funding.
Please, help our aged neighbors enjoy|the gift of reading.
Thank you.
That was very touching.|Thank you so much.
We'll let you know by the end of the week.
- PRESENTER: Thank you.|- We're actually gonna take off, too.
Tanzie remembered|she has a really important appointment.
We like the breast cancer lady|and the animal cruelty lady.
And the animal cancer lady.|The rest is all up to you guys.
- Thank you.|- Was there an animal breast lady?
She was first.
- Do you think Tommy's going to be mad?|- No. How can he be?
He knows we only have six hours|to get ready for the gala.
Excuse me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Oh, no. Am I late?
I thought my appointment|was in 10 minutes.
Not bad for a guy in a suit|from Men's Wearhouse.
- You're one of the charity people, right?|- Yeah. Henry Baines.
- Greater Los Angeles Free Legal Clinic.|- Medical clinic?
No, we help people|who can't afford an attorney.
Let me give you my card.
Wait. So, you don't even help people|with terrible diseases?
No. We help people who are poor.
Right, but that's not a terrible disease,|per se.
I mean,|they don't even have a ribbon for that.
Okay. I guess|I'll have to look into that one.
By the way, a little Preparation H|under those eyes
- will really get rid of the puffiness.|- AVA: Tanzie!
- Will really get rid of the puffiness.|- AVA: Tanzie!
(GIRLS CHEERING)
(CAMERAS CLICKING)
Here they come! Okay, let's get them.
AVA: Will my Sidekick fit in your bag?|TANZIE: Sure.
AVA: Okay. Well, give me your lip gloss.|I'll put it in mine, and you put it in yours.
- Okay?|- Okay.
(ALL CLAMORING)
Okay, "Us Weekly" and "People" are first!
We're mad at "Gossip Weekly" because of|the byline they said about me being gay!
People Magazine.|Are you excited about tonight's events?
- We are.|- We are, of course.
We're just so excited just to be able|to remember our father like this.
Well, what I want to know,|how do you stay so toned?
- I mean, you've got runner's legs.|- Thank you.
So do you!
- Hi, Teri.|- Hi.
Where's Mic?
Mic is actually in Long Beach doing|a very special episode of "Long Island."
- Is it true you're engaged?|- Wherever did you hear that?
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
Hi, we're the Marchetta Sisters,|and you're watching E!
I'm so bored of this.
CHARLENE: If you make it into "People,"|we'll sell a lot of lipstick.
(ROCKMUSIC PLA YING ON STEREO)
Phoebe, how are you?
- There's Jacqueline.|- Who?
You know, Joe Tweeney's daughter.
- Jacqueline, hi!|- Hi, Tanzie.
- You look stunning!|- So nice to see you.
- Beautiful outfit.|- Where did you get all this stuff?
We watched that episode.|It was so great. Ava!
Oh, my God! We love that show.
- We cried.|- We all cried.
- We should send her some...|- Oh, look. There's Fabiella.
Now, remember. Be charming.
But don't let her think you're too easy.
- Okay. Hi!|- Go, girls.
Look at you two. So hot, I am blinded.
- Thank you.|- Now, about the offer.
I knew Vic a long time, and let me tell you,
we had a relationship|that was built on mutual respect.
That's why I'm here.
To see you two so grown-up in charge.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Now, I've got the market cornered|on the 35 and ups.
And you've got the Gen-Y crowd.
Together we are unstoppable.
(MAN LAUGHING)
Oh, I'm sorry. I just saw|one of my ex-husbands over there.
Some advice, girls.|Never go younger. Even by a month.
A hard bod is no substitute|for wisdom, girls. Remember that.
Okay.
- Well, well, well.|- Tommy!
A powwow of squaws. Fabiella.
I'm sorry, but I can't have you|talking business with my girls tonight.
Of course.
Enjoy your evening, darlings.
- Thank you.|- Thank you.
And you as well. Come along, sweeties.
- Thank God you saved us.|- Keep smiling. She's still watching.
From his early days in the South Bronx,
on his own little stove,
of the cosmetics world,
the words of Winston Churchill,
but we make a life by what we give. '"
Here.
Before his tragic death two years ago...
- Thank you, Tommy.|- Share with your sister.
It's so sad.
became a huge success.
I have raccoon eyes.
You should have used|Daddy's waterproof mascara.
- Family was always a top priority.
- Let's check out the gift bags.|- Don't.
You do not understand|that this is supposed to be sad? Okay?
...so important to him.
young women we see here today.
- Smell, smell.|- No, no. Night cream.
Dang, this is like $100 an ounce.
Hey. You guys, have some respect.
please welcome Marchetta 's CEO
Tommy Katzenbach.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
TOMMY: Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Charlene.
Charmaine. Charlene, forgive me.
that few others did.
We grew up together.
the old Tom Kat along as his number two.
I'm all about this phone television.
- Oh, my God.|- I love things in mini.
Then he creates Madonna 's first look.
Her second and third looks.
and Marilyn Manson.
All beautiful, beautiful women.
(ALL LAUGHING)
were always his daughters.
(SHUSHING)
for A va and Tanzie Marchetta.
Girls.
- You've been like a second dad to us.
with all of the tormented teen-angst years.
And the car accidents.
Let's look through the channels.
What channels?
Hey, the Game Show Network!|I love it. I love it.
Go to Channel 10.|The girls are on television!
MARTINIQUE: They're on the news.
(WOMAN ANNOUNCING ON TV)
Hey, Mom, Dad, check out your TVs.
for coming out tonight
- and honoring our father.|- What is he saying?
you trusted to make you look good...
to be the face of this company.
MAN: Hey, put it on the screen!|WOMAN: Yeah, put it up!
and infections.
- While developing their night cream...|- What's happening?
I didn't approve this spot.
... it appears the founder, Victor Marchetta,
shocking and permanent side effects.
- What's going on?|- Somebody!
the Marchetta Everdew Night Cream...
(ALL MUTTERING)
A VA: Somebody, turn it off.
A VA: Excuse me, turn it off. Sit down!
(ALL CLAMORING)
your gift bag before you leave?
Come on, come on! Hurry up!|Come on, come on, come on, let's go!
- Stop looking at that.|- This is bad! The stock's gonna plummet!
- I can see the headlines!|- Don't quote them!
What's gonna happen with the company?
Go home. Take it easy.|Don't say anything to anybody.
I'll take care of everything. Here. Go!
What are we supposed to do,|just go home and sit there?
Eat something. Go!
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
gone out of business from similar scandals.
we have very few answers
the chilling images, one thing is certain.
most celebrated socialites...
...life is about to change.
- What are we...|- Ava, this is so weird. We're here all alone.
Stop creeping me out.
Well, how do regular people|deal with this?
They get pets.
I'm getting a tension headache.
Where's a spa when you need one?
AVA: This stuff smells so good.
I mixed rose water with tea tree oil|and avocados. It's very invigorating.
- You're good at this stuff, just like Daddy.|- Thanks.
You're lucky you have a real skill.|Unlike "moi."
- Ava!|- What?
- You have skills. Tons of them.|- Like?
Like commanding a room, for one.
You can get people to do anything for you.
- I think one day you could run Marchetta.|- Don't say Marchetta.
I never want to hear|about that company again.
You know, I don't think|Dad did anything wrong.
Maybe in a couple of days|this will all just die down.
Yeah, maybe. That feels so great.
There's nothing I love better|than getting my temples rubbed.
Except new shoes.
(THUDDING)
What was that?
(PROTESTORS SHOUTING)
(BOTH GASPING)
MAN: There they are!
People. They're throwing things up here.
AVA: So much for this dying down.
I'm never gonna get into a college now.
Not everything is always about you,|Tanzie.
No, it never is!|Unless it's you telling me what to do, Ava!
All I do is try to help you!|And you know what?
- Sometimes it gets so annoying!|- TANZIE: You know what?
Don't even give me that|older-sister martyr act, okay?
- Ava!|- What?
- Ava!|- What?
- I don't wanna hear it, okay?|- Ew. Stop it!
Why don't you just go open a window|if the smoke bothers you so much?
And then you can see|how much everybody loves us.
- Stop it. Stop smoking! Stop, stop!|- Tanzie!
Shut up for a second! Oh, my...
- What did you do?|- Why'd you have to smoke?
You're the one who grabbed it|out of my hand.
Smother it!
Ava!
- Do something about this. I don't do this!|- I don't know.
- I don't know how to put it out!|- I don't know how!
Oh, Daddy's watch!
- My dress! Hurry, get out!|- Daddy's TiVo!
TANZIE: Call 911.
Fire!
(BOTH YELLING)
Come on!
(SCREAMING)
(SIRENS WAILING)
Go!
Hi. We need a suite.
And can you have the room service people|send up two orders
of your wasabi mashed potatoes|as soon as possible?
- We are in serious need of comfort food.|- Right away.
Mic still isn't answering.|Neither is Tommy.
So sorry.|Your credit card has been declined.
What? No.|This is a corporate platinum card.
It has no limit. Try it again.
- It appears your account's been closed.|- What?
Hey! What are you doing? Stop!|You know what?
I'm gonna take those scissors,
and I'm gonna|cut off your summer 2003 bangs!
- You little nasty little hotel troll!|- We are inside a hotel.
Okay. Everyone is staring at us.
Please, let's just go.|I just wanna get out of here.
- CRAIG: Hello.|- Craig!
What the hell is wrong|with our credit cards?
(CRAIG LAUGHING)
I had to cancel all your cards.
- The company's in trouble.
Everything's leveraged to the hilt.|"That means no credit cards, no cash," nada.
- Hey, can you hold on a sec?
I'm trying to swing myself...
...on the back of Tiger Woods cart.
Craig, if you put us on hold,|I'm gonna come over to that golf course,
and I'm gonna tee off on your face! Craig!
board meeting set for tomorrow at 4:00.
And wish me luck with Tiger Woods.
I will not wish you luck with Tiger Woods!
- Ava!|- Come on.
Let's call Inez.
Turn around.
Man, we gotta get a better ride.
We can't be rolling up to the clubs|in a hoopty.
I know, man. I feel you.|Got what you got, you know?
JOEL: Yeah.
(MUSIC PLA YING ON CAR STEREO)
- Hello, ladies. Let me help you with that.|- Thanks.
The keys are inside, okay?|Just try to be careful.
Thank you.
Let's go, man. Now.
At least it has valet.
ON CAR STEREO)
I'm rich.
(DOG BARKING)
(EX CLAIMS)
Inez.
Girls.
I'm so glad you're here. Look at you both.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
I'm so glad you're here.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Considering we went from Tiffany's|to Target in one single night.
I make some tea.
Are you sure you have room for the two|"idiosos" that burnt down their house?
"Idiotas." And you are not "idiotas."|Here, let me help you with those.
I always have room for you two here,|my babies.
- You can stay in my daughters' bedroom.|- TANZIE: You have a daughter?
Yeah. I have two.|They live with my mother in Colombia.
- Nezy, how come you never told us that?|- Because you never asked. "Caliente."
Well, why don't they live here with you?
Have you ever heard|of post-9/11 immigration delays?
The "terroristas" have won.|Okay, girls. Come on. Let's go to sleep.
It's very late. It's almost 2:00.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
You're gonna feel very comfortable here.
Let me fix this for you.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Good night.
(SIGHS)
It's so weird not being at home.
It feels weird not having a home.
Ava, why does all this stuff|look so familiar?
'Cause it used to be ours.
Daddy must have given it to her.|I didn't even recognize it at first.
My puppy sticker collection is still here.
My popcorn scratch-and-sniff!
(SNIFFS)
It still smells like popcorn.
I feel like Daddy's still alive,|and he's just gonna come and save us.
Well, he's not.
And Mic's still not answering his cell!|His battery must have died.
That's really not important right now, Ava.
I'm announcing|my engagement tomorrow!
My life is not ending just because Dad|screwed up some dumb Everdew formula!
What?
I'm never talking to you ever again.
Fine.
Who's gonna get the light, Ava?
Okay. Time to wake up.
- Thank you.|- You're welcome.
And here. Practice your Spanish.
I am so glad I rescued my dress.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
To have lost it would have been a tragedy.
Tell me about it.
I have no idea what I'm gonna wear|to the party. I have no clothes!
Yes, you do!
I still have the hand-me-downs|you gave me for the church drive.
There are not too many homeless|that are size 2, anyway.
Okay. I'm done here. I'm leaving.
- Where are you going?|- Yogalates.
And then I'm off to Sassy Maids|to see if they'll take me back
after all these years.|Some of us have to work for a living.
Oh, and girls, please behave.|Don't burn down the house.
Lock the door. See you later.
Do you remember this? This was yours.|Do you want it back?
No.
Not bad.
Cute.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
AVA: Kids.
I feel so last year.
Calm down. Retro's really in right now.
Hi. It's the red Mercedes.
- What do I look like, a valet?|- Yes.
Honey, there's no valet here.
(SIGHS)
Oh, God. I'm God's personal joke.
I think he said we need to get on the 2
and then switch to the 37.
And then on the 6. On the 6!
Just like J. Lo.
And then...
And then we gotta get on the 2,|but a different 2 than the first 2.
This is ridiculous.|Somebody has gotta come pick us up.
You're right. You know, friends don't|let friends take public transportation.
Especially the bus. Ava.
I've heard about the bus.|People pee on the seats.
- Tanzie. They don't pee on the bus.|- They pee.
(BEEPING)
Wait for the beep.
Mic! Baby, it's Avie. Where are you?
What's going on? I mean,|I've called you, like, a million times.
We're announcing our engagement|in, like, two hours.
Call me, call me, call me. Okay?
But don't worry about Tanz and I.|We're on our way.
Our ride just got here. Bye. Love you.
- Lady.|- What?
I'm not tipping you|till I know how your service is.
It's $1.35 each.
- Fine.|- I've got change.
- We're going to 273 Benedict Canyon.|- Good for you.
Excuse me.
(GRUNTS)
Why do they have to start like that?
(SNIFFING)
- It smells in here.|- I know.
Hey! I could feel that.
Oh, my God.
Excuse me. I am not God's personal joke.
I'm his entire comedy routine.
That's why in Japan,|women have their own buses.
Wait, wait! This isn't Benedict Canyon!
- Where are you going?|- No tip for you!
TANZIE: Why aren't there any sidewalks?
Ava, I can't do this anymore.|I've got blisters.
- And I didn't even really wanna come.|- Tanzie?
This is|my engagement announcement party.
Everybody already knows you're engaged.
I mean, they knew when you started|wearing that promise ring
and saying you guys were just friends.
Come on.
Ow.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
MAN: Yeah, all right.|I'll take care of that. Yeah.
- Hi.|- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- It's Ava and Tanzie Marchetta.|- I'm sorry, you're not on the list.
I am Mic's fiance, okay?|I wrote the freaking list.
It's Marchetta. With an M.|You know, like Manila.
Yeah, I know who you are.
My mama used to like|to wear your lipstick.
Yeah, but I bet if she had the same skin|shade as you, she'd like the raspberry.
Mama died last year.|Maybe now I know why.
Do you know how mad Mic is gonna be|when he finds out how you treated us?
- You're done. He is gonna be so pissed.|- Look! Look, it's Etienne.
- Etienne! Etienne, hey! Etienne!|- He can't hear you.
(ROCKMUSIC PLA YING ON STEREO)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Go!|- Etienne, it's us.
We're outside,|and this guy isn't letting us in.
Actually, I decided not to go to the party|because my throat is a little tender.
Turn around.|I am looking at you on the patio.
That's not me.
(YELLS)
- We're being totally dissed.|- By Etienne?
- Yeah.|- He worships us.
- Well.|- He was gonna go straight for us.
You know what?|He's not straight for us anymore.
And you know what?|Etienne's not even Brazilian!
- Ava!|- Sol! Thank God.
I know, baby, I know.
We've been on this bus,|and we've been hiking around.
And then this guy won't even let us in!
Just take me to go and see Mic.
Yeah, actually,|that won't be happening now.
As his agent,|I have to look after Mic's best interests.
And the thing is, "Long Island" is|about to squeak into the top ten.
Let's face it. You're a liability now.|So, as far as the engagement goes,
I think we're gonna have to pass.
Pass? What are you saying?|Are you dumping me?
Well, technically,|Mic's dumping you. Look.
I have to think long-term,|and a career choice like...
Okay. Right.
From a business standpoint, you know,|I get where you're coming from, okay?
But look, on the other hand,|this was my engagement day,
and I risked my life to save this dress.
So, you know|what you can tell your client? Karma!
- I'll let him know. And one other thing.|- What?
We're gonna need the ring back.
You know what else?|"Long Island" is a really bad show!
- I hate it.|- TOMMY: This is a disaster.
Our sales have plummeted|precipitationally.
And the retailers have already returned|almost 90% of our shipments.
(FOOTSTEPS PATTERING)
- Hi.|- Hi.
Hi. Sorry.
Jaden, for heaven's sake,|get them a moist towel or something.
- What's going on?|- Carry on.
Carry on. Yes, well.
Fabiella did make us an offer.
It was lower than we hoped for,|but in light of present circumstances...
How much is it for?
How much is it for?
Sixty cents on the dollar|for all our private stock.
Sixty cents?
It's actually quite generous.|I mean, it could go down again next week.
What?
If we sell to Fabiella,|what happens to the Marchetta name?
If we're lucky, we disappear quietly.
Quietly disappear?|What about your investigation?
Well, I looked into the Everdew file...
Thank you, Pam.
And I don't know how to tell you this,
but there were some problems|in the testing stage.
And your father, for whatever reason,|decided not to deal with it.
What he's saying|is that the complaints are legit.
I'm sorry, girls.
But, Tommy, you're not just gonna, like,|accept this, right?
I mean, you're gonna track down|those people from the story.
Yes, yes. I'm gonna try.|I threatened to sue.
- But Nakamori won't give up his sources.|- People, can we pick up the pace here?
Yes. All right, let me be frank here.
This company was already a sinking ship.
With this new publicity scandal,|we're the "Titanic."
It's disfortunate but true.
And this is an excellent opportunity|for the shareholders to save their hides.
It's a great opportunity.
I gotta pee.
Yeah. Thanks.
Thank you for sharing.
Oh, my God. I am a federal emergency.
- No wonder Mic dumped me.|- What are we doing in here, Ava?
I don't know.|I just needed a second to think.
Well, come on! Let's just go in there|and vote to sell this stupid company
- that Dad totally screwed up.|- Hey, look, Daddy wasn't perfect, okay,
but getting things right|was so important to him.
- What do you mean?|- I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet,
but I know I want|to get my hands on those test files.
We vote no. We don't believe our father|is guilty of any wrongdoing.
The board doesn't need your votes to|pass this. Now, let's get this thing done.
I've got a plane to Maui in an hour.
All those in favor of bringing this offer|to the stockholders for approval
with our recommendation to sell?
- I'm going to exstain.|- Yes.
I will see you all in 30 days|at the stockholders' meeting.
You...
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
MAN 1: Can I get a statement?|When can I get a statement?
Hey, hold back!|Come on, come on, come on! Step back!
Please, people. Step back.
Sir, if you could step back|just a couple of feet. Just stay back. Guys!
MAN 2: There they are.
(HORN HONKING)
REPORTER 1: What do I press?|REPORTER 2: Come, follow me.
- Four, three, two, one.|- Ava, come on.
This is Brad Tibe at E! And I'm actually|following the Marchetta sisters
right here in downtown Los Angeles!
Come on. Hurry.
(GROANS)
- Ava.|- I think it's broken.
You have to leave it.
- No.|- Leave it.
- No.|- Yes.
- Rick.|- Get in.
REPORTER: Can I get|a statement from you?
- Is it true your cosmetics cause cancer?|- No.
Come on! Give me an E! Exclusive!
AVA: It should be on the left.
TANZIE: Thanks.|RICK: You're welcome.
Yeah.
It's so windy.
- Thanks.|- Sure.
Rick, you were amazing.
We owe you bigtime.
And I never welch on a debt,
despite what you might read|in the papers.
Don't worry. I'll collect on that later.
And I never believe|what I read in the papers.
Good.
Bye.
Jeez. Tanz.
- He's a parking attendant.|- He's cute.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Los Angeles Free Legal Clinic.
Hi. Remember us?
Can we have a word with you|in your office?
You're looking at it.
But this is a really|embarrassing emergency.
I'm sorry. My private suite's being redone.|It's either here or the janitor's closet.
Okay, we need a lawyer.
A free lawyer.
Wait a second.
You two want me|to work for you pro bono?
- But you're rich.|- Haven't you been watching TV?
- We're destitute.|- I don't watch TV.
Besides, you're not destitute.|I mean, come on,
- you've got cars and houses.|- Yeah. We sort of burned the house down.
And our car got stolen.
Besides, everything we own|belongs to the company.
And they wanna sell us to Fabiella.
- For only $60 million.|- Each.
- TANZIE: Obviously, we need help.|- Look.
This is a place where|underprivileged people come for help.
Not privileged people|who don't wanna sell their company.
But our privilege got taken away from us.
Yeah! And don't you think that it's fishy|that Fabiella wants to buy us,
and then this scandal|just falls into her lap?
Yeah, but shit happens.
I mean, it's a coincidence|that I can't pay my phone bill
on the same day|that my student loan is overdue.
But that's the way it is.
Look, if Fabiella wants to buy|your company, why don't you just sell it?
Then you'll have all your money,|and everything'll be fine.
Henry, money doesn't buy happiness.
- I know that. Do you?|- I don't know, but that's not the point.
The point is that
we don't want our father's reputation|to just go down in ruins.
- And we need somebody to be on our side.|- Yeah.
What it sounds like you guys really need|is a private investigator to look into this.
Well, do they have|pro bono private investigators?
No. They're actually pretty pricey.
Look, you guys might want|to look into getting a job.
In the meantime,|I can look into some of the legalities here.
Yes!
She has a degree|in Medieval Literature from Harvard.
She'll make a great addition|to your staff at Medieval Times.
Yeah. Happy jousting.
(SNEEZES)
- Oh, God.|- Bless you.
You girls have your rsums?
We had headshots,|but we lost them in the fire.
Okay.
Doris, do you have any Motrin?
What are your skills, girls?
We can dance. You mean, like dancing?|We're really good dancers.
No, I mean, like, can you type?
Can we type? We're good.
We can do, like, ten IMs a minute.
- See?|- Yeah. Great.
Listen, girls. I don't think|that you need an employment agency.
I think you girls need an|unemployment agency and a typing class.
(SNEEZES)
Feel better.
I cannot believe|we didn't get our unemployment money.
I mean, we've never even been employed.
Shouldn't that mean|that we would get more unemployment?
What a tragedy.
Right up there with the federal deficit.
You know, maybe we should launch|a congressional probe, huh?
And my feet hurt so bad.|I need new shoes.
How am I supposed to get new shoes|without unemployment money?
Hey, you wanna try my Easy Spirits?
You know, my cousin Costanza,
she walked all the way here|from Colombia in a pair of those.
- Really?|- No, but they're very comfortable.
Okay, you guys,|enough with the shoe talk already.
What are we supposed to do|about money?
Well, how about Sassy Maids?|They're always hiring people.
- Ava.|- Well, I guess not.
But do you know what, girls?|I don't work for you anymore.
So, while I am cleaning up|after bulimics in Bel Air,
I really would appreciate|a little bit of help around here.
See you later.
(CHA TTERING ON TV)
This doesn't seem like it's doing anything.
This is enough to make me go vegan.
He's in this water dispute,
of papers just from all kinds of places.
You know, it would probably be easiest...
Wow. It is amazing what you can do|with a really good push-up bra.
We should do that, Ava.
- Do what? Start wearing push-up bras?|- No.
Become investigators.|Then we won't have to pay anyone.
You were the one that said you wanted|to get your hands on those files.
Yes. Let's do it.
- Investigators.|- Yeah.
Inez was right. These babies are amazing.
They're so comfortable.
I'm never gonna wear Jimmy Choos again.
Bite your tongue.
These are gonna be my investigator shoes.
Just gotta get my size.
- Hi, Pam.|- Oh! You girls look nice.
Really? We're wearing|our charity hand-outs.
Fantastic.
- I'm taking off. Hey!|- Hi.
- Is something wrong?|- No, no, no.
We just came to help out and see if,|you know, anybody needed anything.
PAM: Tommy Katzenbach's office.
I wish I could stay awhile,|but damage control.
Fabiella's on line 1.|She'd like to speak to the girls.
- No.|- Talk to her.
- I think you go.|- TANZIE: No, no.
Now she's gonna know|we're fighting about her.
No.
You, you, talk to her.
Hi, Fabiella.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
How are you?
- I've been so concerned. Are you well?|- We're fine.
Good.
I'd like you to come to the office|tomorrow for a little chat.
Businesswoman to businesswomen.
Katzenbach, too, of course.
I'll send my car.
I'll see you at 1:00.
What?
- No!|- What?
- No way!|- What?
I am not going anywhere near|that crazy's office. No.
- Maybe we should go.|- Ava?
Whatever you think, you know.
- We should go see what she has to say.|- It's up to you, if you wanna go.
- Have you seen Tanzie and Ava?|- No, I think they left.
Oh, thank God.
I asked them to change that toner|in the copier.
And they said, "Why does it need a toner?|Does a copy machine have large pores?"
I think that's a perfectly|reasonable question.
por favor.
(TANZIE SPEAKING SPANISH)
Oh, I look disgusting.
- And you got super serious.|- It's a disguise.
You know, I don't know why we didn't|just ask for the Everdew test files.
Okay, rule number one: Don't trust anyone.
That's true when it comes|to dating B-list TV stars and in business.
- Walk like Lucy.|- Yep.
Ava? Come on.
- Hold on, they should be right here.|- Well, they're not. So, can we just go?
Come on, I'm geeking out here.
My autonomic nervous system|is launching stress hormones.
Come on, you know the biochemistry|calms me down. Come on!
They're not in here.|Maybe they're still in Tommy's office.
Okay, come on, let's go.
Shoot!
- Ava, come on, this is nuts. Let's go.|- Hold on. Wait, wait.
Do you know how to pick a lock?
What you think I look like,|Ma, a gang banger?
(RICK CLEARS THROAT)
- Nice outfits.|- Rick?
- We're interning.|- Obviously, I mean, with those bags.
Your hair looks really nice today.
Maybe you could help us with something.
- In Tommy's office.|- All right. Let's just make it fast.
- Do you have a bobby pin?|- I do.
Thanks.
- How'd you learn that?|- I was a gang banger.
Just kidding.
But I did have my juvie moments.
All right.
I can't believe|I let you guys talk me into this.
You know, I could get arrested.|I could get fired.
This whole thing was her idea.
Look, I promise|you're not gonna get fired, okay.
In fact, whenever we're in charge again,|we're gonna promote you.
We're gonna make you|head of the whole parking lot.
Parking lot? Why do you think|I work in the parking lot?
Because you park our car.
- We don't have a parking attendant.|- Really?
I parked your car because I'm nice.
I'm a lab technician.
That is so cool.
Look, I'm glad you two lovebirds|are having so much fun over there.
Meanwhile, I just found all the files.
Look, Everdew Night Cream formulas,|lab analysis, test results.
And names and numbers|of all the people we tested.
Oh, my God. We gotta get out of here!|Come on.
What? Why?
Yo, wait! Hold on, stop!
Wait!
(DOGS BARKING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Why do we have dogs?
We got them last year|after all the break-ins.
We had break-ins?
You guys didn't pay any attention|to the business, did you?
- No, apparently not.|- No, kind of.
- I really like chemistry.|- Get out of here. So do I.
That's why I work down in the lab.
I love it. I've actually been filling out|all my applications...
- No way! Where?|- Okay! Hey!
While I can really appreciate|this whole exchange of sexual banter here,
there's dogs outside|that want to rip our faces off!
Yeah, let's go.
(BARKING)
TANZIE: So, are we outside the fence now?|RICK: Yes. We're safe here.
Oh, good.
- Here, take this.|- What?
- RICK: Okay, here, give me your bags.|- Don't drop that.
Hold up.
- Come on.|- These shoes rock!
I don't even feel like I'm gonna plummet|to my death at any moment.
Speak for yourself.
- RICK: Okay, I'll go first.|- What? Go where first?
- Down there.|- No! Not into the trash.
- Rick, no!|- Tanzie, no. Wait.
Tanzie, I am serious!
- Do not! Do not!|- You can do it!
Just pretend you're diving in the ocean|in St. Bart's.
- No, I can't.|- This is so not St. Bart's.
- Come on, Tanzie.|- No!
You caught me. I guess that, like,|makes you my hero or something.
You bet.
(AVA SCREAMS)
- Get me out!|- Ava!
Get me out! Grab my hand!
Are you okay?
Whoa. Beam me up, huh?
I smell jasmine.
We have it piped in.
- I love Century City.|- The Marchettas are here.
- Please make yourselves comfortable.|- Thank you.
These are so ugly.
Velvet. Sweet.
Remember,|we have to speak her language.
Okay.
FABIELLA: May I offer you some coffee?
Latte, espresso, cappuccino, mocha.
Caramel macchiato, chai tea?
I'd kill my first born|for a caramel macchiato.
Honey, if you knew my first born,|you'd kill him for a lot less than that.
- You?|- I'll take a chai tea.
- Janet, make it happen.|- Yes.
Now tell me. Tell me the truth.|Are you well?
Are you truly, truly well?
Because if you're not,
I have two of the most|"wunderbar" psychiatrists on my payroll,
and I'd be so pleased to lend you one.
Thanks.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
I'll have one of those expressos, Janet,|with the chocolate shavings.
It must be easy coming to the office|every day when you have a spa like this.
Yeah, this way no one can pack heat, huh?
(LAUGHING)
Just breathe. Relax.
Now, I know things have really|sucked bigtime for you lately, girls,
but all that's about to change.|I want your company.
I want you to make the deal.
You want to be a chemist? Be my chemist.
Go to any college you want.
You want to travel?
The ancient ruins of Pompeii.
The bronzed island boys|of Mustique await you.
Do it on my dime.
I want you girls|to be the face of my new line.
A line we create together.
But our reputations|have been completely ruined.
Oh, I'll clear his name.
I'll make your father a hero again.
Listen up.
My father, Morris Farbrinsky,|pulled himself up by his bootstraps
to become mattress king of Atlantic City.
Everybody called him a crook.
But his memory means everything to me.
- I know what you're going through.|- Thank you.
Oh, Tran, Bob. Hurrah.
Why don't you give the girls foot rubs?
Tran? Better yet,|why don't you massage Ava's temples?
Remember, girls. I can give you|everything you ever wanted.
(MOANS)
So, maybe Fabiella wasn't so bad after all.
- Ava!|- What?
I cannot believe you.
I mean, one temple rub and you...
Wait.
How psychic was she|about how much you liked those?
So she did her homework.
But that doesn't just mean|we're gonna give up and sell, right?
JK.
Well, you're gonna help me|go through these lists, right?
Yes. But if Dad did it, we sell.
And if he didn't, we fight!
Okay.
Out of the thousand tested,|153 people had adverse reactions.
- So I divided up all the phone numbers.|- Okay.
And now we start calling people.
Let's do this!
Hi, Dinah? Ava Marchetta.
Thank you.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Actually, I was calling to talk to you|about your reactions
to the Everdew Night Cream.
You're sure your skin was fine after that?
Hi, Ava Marchetta.
I was just calling to speak with you|about our Everdew Night Cream.
Thank you very much.
Yes, thank you.
- INEZ: What?|- That's another one.
She said her rash|was nothing like the story on TV.
- What?|- Tanzie, wake up. 92 through 103.
Thank you so much.|Okay, great. Thank you.
- Well?|- That was the last one.
That woman's doctor said|she had nothing but a rash.
This is crazy.
Not one person|had long-lasting side effects.
Where did Ned Nakamori|find all these victims for his story?
Teanne, no!
What did you do? Huh?
Oh, Razz. I love you so much.
- It's okay. It's okay.
(CHA TTERING ON TV)
TEANNE: I deserve to die!
Don't die, baby. Don't die!
We have to get you to the hospital.
- Three-months' worth of birth control pills.
Oh, hey. What are you doing here?
Thought you were the pizza.
I brought you these.
And where's your sister?
I thought you two|were borderline Siamese.
I thought you didn't watch TV.
- It smells like beef in here.|- It's the "carnicera."
Is that why you came here?|To smell my office?
Ha ha.
So, interesting books you've got here.
What is this? Pleasure reading?
My sister works|for "The New York Review of Books."
So, she sends me the ones|with the funniest titles.
And, yes, I do read them. I like to read.
So, sister, huh?
That's something we have in common.
Yeah, it's probably about the only thing|we have in common.
Well, you're awfully quick to judge.
As much as I'm enjoying|your spontaneous attack
on my character and office smell,
would you do me a favor|and get to the point?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Just a second.
- Hey, Tanz.|- Hey! Check this out.
to the current Everdew formula.
- And Dad changed it.|- No way.
Yes way.|He took the isopropyl lanolate out,
but there's no records of this in the files.
I'm telling you, Ava,|this thing is screwier than Courtney Love.
- Okay, well, just see what you can find.|- Okay.
- You don't have a case.|- What?
Not one of these people|had a permanent reaction.
And then we find out|that the formula was changed.
Someone had to have fabricated|those testimonials.
- You don't have any proof, though.|- Yes, we do.
- No, you don't.|- Sure, we do.
No, you don't.
Okay, fine. We don't.
With us today is Ned Nakamori,
that story in Los Angeles.
for the troubled company?
Is a sale to Fabiella Cosmetics imminent?
That's right, Christiane. It's expected that
vote in less than two weeks,
to archrival, Fabiella.
will prevent another atrocity
a few weeks ago.
All I wanted was a good moisturizer.
- Information.|- Yes! Hi.
I need a Los Angeles number for KLAE.
- Hello.|- Hey.
- What's your name?|- Gene.
- Hi, Gene. I'm Tina.|- Hey, Tina.
Did anyone ever tell you|you look like Tanzie Marchetta?
- Thanks.|- You're much prettier, though.
- Thanks.|- No problem.
I'm sure you're a lot nicer than they are.
What spoiled jerks.|Screwing over all those people like that.
Hey, Gene.
Believe it or not, I'm actually on the prowl|for some of those release forms
that people have to sign|before they go on television.
I mean, everyone you air|has to sign one of those things, correct?
Yeah, that's right.
So, I was wondering if I could just get|a little look-see in that file room.
- Oh, I am not authorized to do that.|- Gene.
I'm gonna be in so much trouble.
My boss needs them for a TV emergency.
If you could just help me|this eensie-weensie little bit?
You're gonna be quick, right?
Hurry!
What the hell's going on in here, Gene?
Well, well. What have we here?
Her boss is having a TV emergency.
Gene, you must be a stone moron.|Do you know who that is?
- That's Tanzie Marchetta.|- No.
You're in big trouble.
Sorry, it's not exactly Sushi Roku, but...
Are you kidding?|This stuff is so much better than sushi.
You haven't had Domino's before?
Well, once at Brigitta's|white-trash hoedown party.
But, other than that,|our chef always made us low-carb pizza.
Good Lord.
Look. Thanks for helping us.
All of our so-called friends have treated us|like lepers since this happened.
Yeah, I know about the leper thing.|I was a debate team nerd in high school.
- So...|- Really? That's cute.
- Nerds are, like, really in right now.|- Yeah? They weren't back then.
A beautiful girl like you|wouldn't have given me the time of day.
I don't know about beautiful.
I gained two pounds since I've been poor.
I used to make fun of regular people|with their eye bags
and their love handles,|but worrying about money is really tiring.
I got my first eye bag yesterday.
You could use a little|Preparation H for that.
You still look pretty great to me.
My mom was a model, so looking great|was considered a genetic requirement.
Where is your mom, anyway?
She's in Europe with an Egyptian prince.
She changed her name to Isis,|and she calls us her cousins.
We get e-mails every few years.
You wanna know something|really funny, though?
I can remember living in|this teenie-tiny little walk-up
and being really happy.
I mean, Tanzie doesn't remember that,|but I totally do.
You're different than I thought|you were, Ava Marchetta.
(CAT YOWLING)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!|I was just attacked by a vermin!
What happened?
I can feel it! Get it off me! I hate rats!
- That's my cat, Clarence Darrow.|- Oh, whatever! It was vomitous!
- I hate cats!|- Well, excuse me!
- What? You think I'm overreacting?|- He's a cat!
He looks like he has rabies!
- Come on.|- How can you stand this?
This is like an episode of "Fear Factor!"
I'm sorry I don't live in a mansion|and have a Chihuahua with a pedicure.
And, what,|because you work in a cesspool,
you think you're like Gandhi or something?
What about you?|You're all frosting and no cupcake.
I am cupcake! Okay?|And you are pretentious and sloppy.
Thank God I didn't kiss you!|You would've needed a tetanus shot.
Because I would have let you kiss me.
You were practically in my lap.
- I was reaching for more pizza.|- Sure, you were.
I was! And you know what?|You can't talk to me like that.
You know why?|You work for me. You're fired.
You can't fire me.|I'm helping you out for free.
You're still fired.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
What! Hello? What?
- Hi.|- Hey, Sue, check it out.
Looks like one of them|fancy prostitutes from
got herself cold busted.
- Come on.
your entrepreneurial spirits.
It's not my thing. You know?
In fact, it's really a personal failing|on my part.
You know, 'cause if I could|just get myself more organized...
- You got some soft skin.|- Yeah.
It's like a baby's. How you do that?
Trespassing and attempted theft.
- $20,000!
What kind of criminal has $20,000?
What is wrong with the justice system?
It ought to be peanuts for you, missy.
You know what? Henry, stop!|You can't drag me away like that, Henry.
You know what? Henry, stop!|You can't drag me away like that, Henry.
And you know what else?
The only reason that you're still here|is because Tanzie's in jail!
Ava, there's a bail bondsman|around the corner.
And what?|He's just gonna give me the money?
No, he'll loan you the money.|You just have to give him some collateral.
I don't have any collateral.
- But that's my dad's watch.|- It's your sister, Ava.
Sorry, Rolie. Time for you to go.
Okay, the key to soft skin like mine|is exfoliation.
Exfoliation.
- Exfoliation.|- Exfoliation.
Yes.
Now, Laporscha, all of that makeup|is really hard on your skin.
You need to be kinder to your pores.
If only we had some kind of a scrub.|Something fine but grainy and...
Oh! I got an egg roll in my bra.|Just give me a minute.
That's okay.
I got sand all up in my toe jam|running from the po-po.
Great.
Anything abrasive like this|will really get rid of those dead cells.
Okay, you want to use natural|hypoallergenic ingredients on your skin.
Stay away from formaldehyde.
You don't even want to know|how much formaldehyde
a woman swallows a year|just from her lip gloss.
Okay, you want to use, like, sea kelp,|oatmeal, natural lactic acid.
Girl, we can't afford nothing|but the cheap stuff.
And nothing that costs two bucks is gonna|make your skin feel this good.
Yeah, if they just sold something|like that at the Rite Aid, huh?
- Tanzania Marchetta? You made bail.|- Really?
But we were just getting ready|to start a book club.
- How'd you get so good at this?|- Practice.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
How dare you sneak in like that?
What in the world are you wearing?
- No wonder you ended up in jail.|- No!
Girls, you're gonna drive me crazy.
You smell like Satan's armpit.|Go wash those things off! Go!
And you. Come here, young lady!|Where do you think you're going?
Who do you think you are,|calling me and leaving a message?
"Oh, Nezy, well, Tanzie's in jail,|but don't worry."
Don't worry?
- You almost gave me a heart attack!|- I'm sorry!
I didn't know|you were gonna be so worried.
What? Are you crazy?
Who am I, if not your mother?
You're the one always telling us|that we act spoiled all the time
and that we don't appreciate you.
That's what mamas do.
- Don't you understand?|- I'm sorry, Nezy.
I am. I'm sorry.
You know, apart from my own two girls,|you're everything to me.
I know that.
And I would never let you suffer.
- I love you.|- Nezy, we love you, too.
Look at you.
You remind me so much like your father.
He was a very good man.
And he was gonna|bring my girls over here.
He was?
I wanna help you with that.|I wanna finish what he started.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
TANZIE: Hey!
Could someone come and help me in here?
The tattoo that Butch Brenda gave me|isn't coming off.
She said it was henna!
Rural route 17.
- How ghetto is that?|- This was your idea, Tanz.
Pothole.
Told you we should've gotten the Beamer.
And I told you too expensive.
Someone's been hanging out|with Henry a little too long.
- Look, I went over there for help. For us.|- Yeah. You want him, Avie.
Well, what about you?
You and Rick practically, like,|jump each other every time you see him.
Admit it, Tanz. You think he's hot.
- I'll admit it when you admit it.|- So, you admit it?
- No, I didn't.|- Yes, you did.
Well, then, you did, too.
(WOMAN ANNOUNCING ON RADIO)
Ava, I like Henry a lot more than I like Mic.
The thing I like about Henry is...
I mean, you know,|assuming that he ever talks to me again.
- What?|- He takes me seriously. You know?
Like Daddy did. And I used to resent that.
And I used to think, you know,
all he wants me to do is be good|at everything and take care of you.
But, now I think, wow!|You know, he really believed in me.
Sometimes I wish Dad had've been|a little bit harder on me.
- You do?|- Yeah.
But look at you now, Tanz.
I mean, you're the one that got the clue|that's gonna get us out of this.
And then you're gonna go off to UCLA,|and you are gonna be
the most genius chemistry major|that they've ever had.
Do you mean it? Really?
And, like, you know,|the hottest chemistry major, too!
You know.
(ENGINE BACKFIRING)
(ENGINE BACKFIRING)
(HORSE SNUFFLING)
Margo Thorness?
So, after I had|those awful, awful side effects
with the Everdew Night Cream,
the company offered to pay|for my reconstructive surgery.
- They did?|- Yes, ma'am.
Did you happen to have|any skin problems before?
Oh, no. No, ma'am.
It's funny, then, that I saw you|on the eczema documentary on KLAE.
Oh, that?
Well, see, at the time, I didn't know|it was the Everdew causing the problem.
- So, I went to see a whole lot of doctors.|- I see.
Do you happen to have|any pictures of yourself
- before you had the reactions?|- No. I...
You know, I'm a shy, delicate flower.
I really don't like being photographed.
But you have all these pictures of you.|With all your cats.
Yeah, but...|You know, that's more for my cats.
Really?
Oh, my! I need to get to church!
- On a Wednesday?|- Yes, sugar pie.
I run a Bible study,
so I'm afraid|I'm gonna have to ask y'all to leave.
Now!
Does she think that we're complete idiots?|She was so full of it.
I saw her face, and you know what?|That was not an allergic reaction.
- That is severe eczema scarring.|- Tanz, we're screwed.
- What are you talking about?|- We don't have any time left.
- And we have no proof.|- We paid for those surgeries.
- We can find those records.|- Look, it doesn't even matter.
The vote is on Saturday.|It's over. It's done!
- You're just gonna give up like that?|- Yes!
This is not fair! It's not right!
The world doesn't care, Tanz. Okay?|Would you just grow up?
God.
(ENGINE TURNING OVER)
Bite me! Could this get any worse?
We could die here.
(BANGING ON WINDOW)
You tell your friend Margo|if I catch one of her mangy cats
spraying on my Vee-Dub one more time,|I'm setting the damn cat on fire!
You hear me? On fire!
- Oh, my God!|- Sick! I hate cats!
- Sir! Hey, sir!|- Tanz, wait!
- How long has Margo lived there?|- She grew up here with her mama.
Thank the Lord|she finally got her face fixed.
That Big Dipper mark scared me to death.
It did look like the Big Dipper.|That's what I said! Remember...
Priorities, Tanz.
- Excuse me? When did she get that mark?|- She was born with it.
That is lovely, sir! Just lovely.
- Can we get a jump?|- Sure.
Wait until Tommy hears|about this Margo stuff!
- Screw Tommy.|- What do you mean?
You and I are taking care of ourselves|from now on.
Tommy hasn't done jack.
All he's gonna do|is tell us that we need proof.
You know what? He wants proof? Fine.
You and I are gonna get it.
Red leather, yellow leather.|Red leather, yellow leather.
AVA: Ned Nakamori?
Well, well, well.|Ava and Tanzie Marchetta in the flesh.
- What can I do you for?|- Well, have we got a scoop for you.
- What can I do you for?|- Well, have we got a scoop for you.
Wait, let me guess. It was a hoax, right?
Darling, I hear that from all my busts.|Everyone's innocent.
Sorry, I'm busy.|We're about to go to national feed.
Are you too busy to hear|about a high-powered CEO
involved in stock fraud?
- You'll get the exclusive.|- Yeah.
All we need is just|this one teenie-tiny little thing.
(WHISPERING)
You're a regular Martha Stewart.|Well, except for the going to jail part.
HENRY: Are you sure|you know what you're doing?
- I'm sorry. I...|- More than anything in my whole life.
- And my office isn't too embarrassing?|- Absolutely not.
Besides, there's something|really comforting about this place.
I even came close|to petting Clarence Darrow today.
Wow. That's a big step.
And I was wrong about you.|You are cupcake.
Will you guys just kiss already|and get it over with?
(TOMMY CLEARING THROAT)
- Well, hello, hello!|- Hello?
Oh, cheese. Nice touch.
- I understand we're celebrating a merger.|- Great!
- Hi. How are you?|- We'll get together.
- Tommy, this is our attorney Henry.|- Henry. Pleasure.
- How are you?|- And this is Craig.
I love you very much. I'll talk to you later.|Hey, nice to meet you.
- Hi.|- Hi.
Tommy let me come|as his secretary today.
Pam's sick. Isn't that awesome?
Your nose.
- It looks kind of like mine.|- Thanks.
You were my inspiration.
"Buongiorno," chicklets. I'm over the moon.
- This is Nelson, my attorney.|- Fabiella.
- Tanzie.|- I'm delighted you're here.
- Nelson. Tommy Katzenbach.|- Good to see you.
- How are you?|- Hi.
- Cheese?|- Thank you, no.
No, no, no. Bad for the complexion.
- What is this place?|- AVA: This is our lawyer's office.
Bravo on the cost-cutting measure.
I always say, "Never spend|too much money on a lawyer.
"They always gouge you in the end."
I'm missing courtside Lakers for this.
This better be good.
Why don't we just all take a seat?
- And we'll get started.|- I'll stand.
I'll sit.
Tommy, you told us all along|that we needed proof
to convince the stockholders|to believe in us, and you were right.
Our father changed the Everdew formula|after the initial tests.
He took out the isopropyl lanolate.
Which we chem nerds know|can cause irritation.
Girls, I'm absolutely enthralled|by the chemistry tutorial,
but I'm not quite sure I see the point.
We tracked down one of the victims.
The woman that we found wasn't scarred|by Everdew Night Cream.
She was born with a skin disease.|She lied.
AVA: And we found her with perfect skin,
thanks to the plastic surgeries|that Marchetta paid for.
Wait a minute.|How come I didn't know about this?
Why didn't you explain this to us,|Katzenbach?
What? This is the first I've heard of it.
Well, this has been quite a hoot, girls,|but I've got a company to run.
When you're ready to talk merging,|I'll take your call.
Hold it!
We also found the canceled checks|from all of the surgeries,
paid for out of our personal accounts.
No wonder we were overdrawn, Craig.
We also found the anonymous package|sent to Ned Nakamori.
It came from you, Fabiella.
You don't think I'm so desperate|for this company that I'd plant evidence?
Fabiella, don't say one more word.
You're right. Someone did plant evidence.
- But it wasn't Fabiella.|- It wasn't?
Ask yourself this, Nelson.
Who would have access|to all of the Everdew test results,
or access to our personal bank accounts?
Tommy, our trustee.
- What?|- What? What?
The messenger slip you signed.|You put the Marchetta zip code.
In your handwriting.
Girls, you know I'd never...
Can it, Katzenbach. You set me up.
You said you could get me Marchetta|on the cheap.
And I said, "Spare me the details|and make it happen."
So what? I'm a little bit of a criminal,|but, hey, it's business.
Daddy didn't leave you his company,|so you decide to steal it?
You devalued our stock|and you framed Fabiella.
You'll be facing some|major SEC violations, Mr. Katzenbach.
Katzenbach, you wannabe player.
Trying to step to these babies|like a cheap soothsayer.
But you've been kicked to the curb,|and your time is up.
So, you gonna find yourself begging|with a little tin cup.
All right! So what?
You girls would have been set for life!
I built this company, too, you know?
Is it my fault that|I'm not some genius chemist
makeup man|that all the babes are hot for?
(GROANS)
Bravo, girls. You deserve your company.
Round one to you. I'm impressed.|You may be heavyweights yet.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Oh, my...
Chairman Tweeney,|I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds
in asking to fire Mr. Katzenbach.
- Fire?|- Effective immediately.
Not at all, Ms. Marchetta.
Sweeties? Have a little simphatico, huh?
All I ever wanted|was an office in Century City.
Your attorney's here, and Mic's on line 1.
I'm sure he's looking for a job|now that he's been killed off "Long Island."
Take a message,|and also these have all been approved.
Thanks, Jaden.
- Hey, sexy.|- Hey, Counselor.
Did I ever tell you|you look so great in Men's Wearhouse?
Come on, it's Nordstrom's. Sales rack.
More carotene oil.|We want nourishment with staying power.
I'm going like baby's-butt softness here.|And affordability.
- Good call, freshman.|- Thank you.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Good night.
- Good night, Mama.|- Good night, Mama.
- You caught me.|- You bet.
That's not me.
- A VA: I'm looking at you on the patio.|- Duck!
I don't know what you're talking about.
- That's not me.|- WOMAN: Run!
- Give me that!|- Why don't you go open the window?
If the smoke bothers you so much|then maybe you can...
(LAUGHING)
I could taste it all in there.
Sorry. Don't do that.
MAN: All in... All in favor...
- WOMAN: All in favor of bringing...|- All in favor...
(LAUGHING)
You told me|you could get Marchetta on the cheap.
And I said, "Spare me the details.
"Go ahead. Do it. Make my day."
But you been kicked to the curb.|Your time is up.
And I even forgot my line.|So whassup, whassup, whassup?
- WOMEN: Exfoliation.|- Exfoliation.
Yes! Now, LaFonda. LaFonda!
- I need something fine but grainy...|- Oh, I got a bagel in my bra.
- Just give me a minute.|- I can't look at your face.
Something fine but grainy.
Oh! I got a chunky|peanut butter sandwich in my bra.
- Just give me a minute.|- No, my gosh.
I got a tube of toothpaste in my bra.|Just give me a minute.
That's okay.
Something fine and grainy...
I got a jar of maraschino cherries|in my bra,
if you just give me a minute.
No, that's okay.
(LAUGHING)
Would you just grow up, for God's sakes?
(ENGINE CLUNKING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
- This skin show's disgusting! Stop!|- I find it comforting.
Well..