Matt Braunger: Doug (2022) Movie Script

"OComeAllYeFaithful"
playing

[lowbackgroundchatter]
[musiclivens]

[rollingpianochords]
[loudcheersandapplause]
[tinklingpianonotes]

It'sbeenmonths
nowI'mfinallyready
Togetbackinthegame
Toconnect
inadarkcorner
Andthenforgetyourname
Iseemybreath
intheairbeforeme
Butthat'snot'cause
it'scold
Yourbodymoves
andittellsastory
That'sbeendying
tobetold
Inthedarkofthenight
IfeellikeI'vebeen
lockeduptight
Forcenturies
That'shistory
Wantyoutomakeme
comealive
-Also,it'sChristmas
-[cheersandapplause]
DidImentionthatit's
Christmasinthisclub?
Also,it'sChristmas
Tonightisthenight
wecelebratehisson
It'sChristmas,
yeah,yeah,yeah
Christmas
It'sChristmas
Everyone,tonight,
itisChristmas.
[audiencewhooping]
Iwalkup
toagaystranger
Iwhisperrightinhisear
Somesmalltalk
Say,
"It'sbeenawarmwinter
Butit'swarmerinhere"
Withyourhands,
withyoureyes
Youspeaktome
withoutyourvoice
Intoxicate,alleviate
Iwanttofeelyou
frominside
-Also,it'sChristmas
-[cheersandapplause]
ItisDecember25th,
thatistoday
Also,it'sChristmas
Noweveryyear
Theywillplay
thissongseasonally
OnChristmas,
yeah,yeah,yeah
Christmas
Oh!
Lateatnight
wecantakeadvantage
Ofthissituation
We'rebothhere
Let'sletgo
ofwhateverwefear
Let'shavesex
iswhatI'mgettingat
Butshh,
doyouhearthatsound?
Thesoundofchildren
openinggifts?
Oh!
Also,it'sChristmas
Doyoustillwanttofuck
orisitweird?
Also,it'sChristmas
Iforgottomention
Thatmysister
andherkidsarehere
ForChristmas
Yeah,yeah,yeah,
Christmas
Christmah-ah
Ah-ahs
MerryChristmas
[cheersandapplause]
Hi.
MynameisMattRogers,
andIamthrilled
tobereleasinganalbum
onChristmas.
TeamMattRogers.
Asyou'vebeenmadeaware
overanall-capsemail
thatIsentyouall,
we'regonnabepivoting
fromcomedyandacting
torecordingartist.
Ithinkwecanallagree
that'sgonnabealoteasier.
Andmyquestionis
whatdorecordingartistsdo?
-Movies.
-No.
-Pilot?
-No.
TheyreleaseChristmasalbums.
Mm.
Thatishowyoustay
annuallyrelevant
andmakemoney
everysingleyear.
Moneyisareallygoodpoint.
Ithinkwecanallagree,
money.
Somassiverebrand.
Iwanttobesynonymous
withthecolorred,
thefestivityscenes
thatyouseeinthemall
orinfrontofpeople'shouses,
SantaClaus--
Youknow,
Ibelievesomenations
willcallhimPapaChristmas.
Weshouldfindthatout
forinternational.
Snow.Huge.
Yeah,soIloveit.
Ithinkouroneconcern
wasjustthatyou'renot
apopstar,
whichwouldmakeitdifficult
tojustsortofputout
aChristmasalbum.
ButIdoloveandthink
-thatitotherwiseworks.
-[snapsfingers]
Wayaheadofyouasalways.
Whenwethink
ofChristmasandmoney,
whereareweheaded?
What'sourNorthPole?
Northstar,Ithinkyoumean
actually.
Mariah.SheisChristmas.
Sheistheauthority
onthisholiday.
Soweneedhertocomeout,
crownme
theprinceofChristmas--
Easy.Done.
Thewholespecialmakessense.
Soareyousaying
youwantustobook
MariahCareyforthespecial?
Yes.
Excitedtobrainstormways
tomakethiswork.
[knocksontable]
Whothinkstheyknow
thestoryofSantaClaus?
Well,thinkagain.
Everyyear
Thestory
isalwaysthesame
There'stoomanypresents
Tofitinthebigbag
onthesleigh
Shoot
Andeveryyear
Santaknows
justwhattosay
Whenall
oftheelvesclaim
Thebag'swaytootight
Andmaybeweshouldn'tdo
thistonight
Santagetscrafty
'causeSantaknows
Hegoestohistoolshed
Hegoestogetthelube
Forthesleigh
NobodyaskswhySanta
hassomuchlube
Lubeforthesleigh
Thelube
Forthesleigh
Breakoutthegunoil
andfireaway
Coverthepresentsinlube
Lubeforthesleigh
-[musiclivens]
-It'sabouttobe
adiscoChristmas,
motherfuckers.
Areyouready?
Thisyear
Thekidshavebeen
extragood
There'ssomanypresents
Sothere'sgonnabe
somuchlube
Elvesbreaktheirbacks
makingpresentsallyear
ButthisChristmas
theydon'thavetofear
Becausethere'slube
Forthesleigh
Itsortofmakessense
Butit'sweird
tothinkabout
BecauseSanta'sold,
right?
Heneedslube
forhissleigh
Thelube
Forthesle-eigh-eigh-eigh
SantasavesChristmas
thendicksdownhiswife
Lube
onthepresentstonight
Lubeforthesleigh
Andinthemidnighthour
OnoneofSanta'sbreaks
DonnerandBlitzen
Theyfindthemselves
allalone
Andinamoment
ofpureattraction
That'swhenthosereindeers
recognize
"Oh,myGod,
wereallyareanimals
"ThankGodwehave
Lu-u-u-u-ube
Lube,oh,ah,oh,oh
There'slube,
oh,ah,oh,oh
Theluuuuuube
Oohooohhoo
Lube,oh,ah,oh,oh
-There'slube
-[all] Oh,ah,oh,oh
Lu-uu
Uuube
NobodyaskswhySanta
Hassomuchlube
Lube
Forthesleigh
[cheersandapplause]
Themanhasmanysecrets.
Moreonhimlater.
We'resomeluckyindividuals
aswell,
becausewearejoined
bythetalented
HenryKoperskionthekeys.
Mycollaboratoronthisshow.
Myfriend.
Iwanttostart
thefollowingspeech
withsimplytwowords.
Humanconnection.
[softpianomusicstarts]
We'velostit.
Somewherealongtheway,
humanconnection
hasfalteredamongus.
Now,Idon'tknowaboutyou,
butIwaitallyear
forChristmas
becauseIthink
it'sanopportunity
toconnectwithoneanother
inthenameofthespirit.
Butlately,
whenI'mwalking
thesestreetsofNewYork,
Ifindthatinmyattempts
toconnect
withpeopleonthestreet,
Ifail.
I'llbewalkingbyastranger
andI'lltrytofind
theireyes.
I'lltrytosay,"Hello!"
Andthey'llwalkrightbyme.
Andwemisseachother.
AndI'mdiscouragedbyit,
youknow?
Itdistressesme.
Iwantittochange.
That'swhytonightI'missuing
achallenge.
Thenexttimeyouarewalking
thestreetsofNewYork,
Iwantyoutogoup
toastranger,
grabthembytheshoulders,
andshakethem.
AndIwantyoutoaskthem
aquestion.
Iwantyoutoaskthem
thisquestion.
Haveyouheardof
Christmas?
Haveyouheardof
Christmas?
Sometimesitfeels
likeyoudon'tknow
WhatChristmasis
Atall
Haveyouheard
ofChristmas?
Haveyouheardof
[mutters,shivers]
Dayafterday
Weturnthechannels
Andwetrytotuneitout
Thatsoundofpain
Thatwecause
toeachother
Attimesitcanfeel
Likewe'refighting
justtoreachout
Andfeelsomething
It'slikewe'veforgotten
Thatonething
weallhaveincommon
Haveyouheard
ofChristmas?
It'swhenchildren
gatherround
Haveyouheard
ofChristmas?
[chuckles]
Weallknow
thatChristmassound
Christmassounds
likeooh,ooh,ooh
Christmassoundslike
ooh,ooh,ooh
Haveyouheard
ofChristmas?
Haveyouheardof
Christmas?
Youknow,somepeoplesay
We'velostthemeaning
OfwhatChristmas
isallabout
Iwouldhavetoagree
Andwecan'tletpolitics
orreligion
Nothingstandinourway
Ofcelebrating
Christmasnow
Iabsolutelyknow
whatChristmasis
Yes,Ido
AndI'mgonnatellyou
allaboutit
Haveyouheard
ofChristmas?Uh
It'stheday
thatJesusdied
Haveyouheard
ofChristmas?
Thatwasthenight
Thatthosefivedisciples
cried
Theycriedtogether
like,ooh,ooh,ooh
Thedolls,theywerecrying.
Thedollswerelike,
"Ooh,ooh,ooh"
Haveyouheard
ofChristmas?
Haveyouheardof
Christmas?
SantaandJesus
Theywere
best,bestfriends
Theykneweachother
Waybackincollege
atBethlehem
Theykneweachother
likeooh,ooh,ooh
Theywerelike
Ooh,ooh,ooh
Ooh,ooh,ooh
Honestly,Ihavenotbeen
tochurch
Inaverylong
Tiiiiiiime
[cheersandapplause]
Haveyouheard
ofChristmas?
It'swhenMoses
didthelake
Haveyouheard
ofChristmas?
Thatwasthenight
ThattheymadeSt.Nick
asaint
Haveyouheard
ofChristmas?
That'swhenNoah
builthisboat
Haveyouheard
ofChristmas?
It'swhenyousee
thatcousin
Thatyouwannafuck
butyoudon't
Sometimesitcanfeel
likeyoudon'tknow
WhatChristmasisatall
AndIwilladmit
thatIdonotknow
WhatChristmasis
Atall
ButI'veheard
ofChristmas
Wehaveall...
Atleastheardof
Christmas
Andsuddenlyitseems
Weallhavesomething
incommonafterall
Haveyouheard
ofChristmas?
Ooh,ooh,ooh
Ooh
[Katie1]Okay.Okay.
Whatifwetrickedher
intothinking
-you'reBillyEichner?
-I'mme.
WhywouldIwanttobe
fuckingBillyEichner?
He'ssoloud.
ShealreadyhasaChristmasgay
andit'shim.
[Matt]IamtheChristmasgay!
Okay,I'mnotsaying
thatwekidnapher.
Butwhatifwehiresomeone
together?
Oh,what,soIcanbe
famousfromjail?
Whatisit,2008?
That'snotchicanymore.
[Katie4]
Wait,speakingof2008,
JessicaSimpsonisinthelobby
rightnow.
Shewouldlovetodoit.
Sheputout
aChristmasalbumonce.
No.Tellherthankyou,
butno.
Hey,Mama...
[doorcloses]
It'sanothisyear.
Girls,Ihave
amajorpresseventinanhour.
Ihavetoleave.
Butnoneofthisworks
unlessMariahCareyherself,
thequeenofChristmas,
anointsmetheprince.
Okay?Ithastohappen.
Thathastohappen.
dramaticchords
Andnow,aspokenwordmoment.
[softly]
Whereareyou,Christmas?
Whycan'tIfindyou?
Whyhaveyougoneaway?
Whereisthelaughter
youusedtobringme?
Whycan'tIhear
musicplay?
Myworldischanging.
I'mrearranging.
Doesthatmean
Christmaschangestoo?
Pleaseclap.
Thankyou.
Ijustperformed
thatpoemterrifically.
Buthere'sthething
aboutperformance--
aperformerisonlyasgood
asthematerialthathe,she,
ortheyaregiventoperform.
AndIwouldliketomake
anannouncement
aboutthatpiece.
Itwaswrittenbynoneother
thanMariahCarey.
It'sentitled
"WhereAreYouChristmas?"
Andyoumayrecognizeit
fromtheseminal
Christmasclassic
Grinch.
Sothispoemorsong
that'sfeatured
inthefilm Grinch,
Mariahwascommissioned
towriteit
becausethefilmmakers
of Grinch, JimCarrey,
theysaid,
"Mariah,whatweneed
isweneedasong
fromtheperspective
ofyoungCindyLouWho."
Idothis'cause
she'saboutthattall.
"Weneedasong
thatsayssomething
aboutseeing,asyoumature,
Christmaschange--
themeaningofChristmas
becomealittlebitdifferent
asyougetolder."
Soimpressedwere
thefilmmakersof Grinch--
JimCarrey--
thattheysaidtoMariah,
"Couldyoupotentiallywrite
moresongs
fromothercharacters'
perspectiveinthefilm?"
AndMariahsaid,
"I'lltakethaton."
Andsoshewatched
andearlyroughcut
ofthefilm Grinch.
Andsheimmediatelyconnected
withonecharacter
inparticular.
Thatcharacter'sname
isMarthaMayWhovier.
Sheis,ofcourse,
theonlysingleadultwoman
inallofWhoville.
She'sportrayed
bytheverysexyactress
ChristineBaranskiinthefilm.
Christinehiveishere.
Welove.
Andsoshewroteasong
thatwasultimatelycut.
Now,whileI'mnotpermitted
toperform
"WhereAreYouChristmas?"
or"AllIWantforChristmas
isYou"tonight,
Mariahdidmakeanexception
forthiscutsong
from Grinch thefilm
becausesheneverrecordedit.
Iwillbethefirst
toperformitheretonight.
Areyouamenabletothat?
Fantastic,astheysay.
Now,inordertosortof
getintoit--
I'msorry,actorthing--
Idohave
tosortofbecomeher.
Sojustgivemeasecond
tobecomeher.
softpianonotes

Perfect,I'dsay.
Sowhatwearegoingforhere
issortofaMILF
withnokidslook.
Iwouldlikeeveryone
toremember
thatthissongwaswritten
intheyear2000
whenMariahwasbeginning
toexperiment
withhernewsound
ofR&Bmusic.
Charactermetform,
andthefollowinghappened.
Oh,oh,oh,oh
Gotthisjacuzzirunnin'
Hottestfemale
upintheland
Oh,oh
Ithink
yourwifeiscallin'
I'mtheWhowho'sscrewin'
herman
Maddrippagedownmyneck,
that'smyWhojewels
Thesemenaredialin'up,
actin'straightfools
Hewants
someMarthaMayWho
That'swhyhe'snotwitchu
I'mtheonlyhotWho
upinWhoville
Menknowiftheirwifewon't
Iwill
He'strynaget
thisMarthaMayWho
WhovillesexiswhatIdo
Courvosierbythecase
straightkilla
Icepussy,
I'mtheWhovillethrilla
Iheardthere'saGrinch
I'madefinitelyfuck
thisGrinch
Oh,oh,oh,oh
Gotthisjacuzzirunnin'
Hottestfemale
upintheland
Oh,oh
Mywardrobelooksstunnin'
I'maabsolutelyfuck
theGrinch
AndIcan'thelp
thatmenlikeme
Y'allchickensgivingme
sideeye
ButIknow
ifyougottoknowme
Youwouldsurelybe
surprised
Something
thatIdesperatelycrave
Isfemalefriendship
Ifyouactuallythink
aboutit
Thissituation
isvery,verysad
Courvosierbythecase
straightkilla
Icepussy,
I'mtheWhovillethrilla
AndIknow
whenIseethisGrinch
Hisdickis'bouttogrow
threesizes
Ifyourelate
tothischaracter
Youcanprobablyunderstand
mewhenIsay
It'shardtocallmyself
afeminist
Because
ofthesocialclimate
InwhichIexist
Ahahahahahah
Ahahahahah
ahah
Ooh,ooh,ooh,ooh,
ooh,ooh,ooh,ooh,ooh
endchords
Uh,can'ttakecredit
forthatone.
MariahCareywrotethat.
Can'tpossiblytakecredit.
So,whileIamsortof
embodyingthefemalecharacters
oftheChristmaslore,
IthinkI'dlike
tokeepdoingthat.
Um...
Ithinkwecanall
probablyagree
thatthemostfamous
Christmasfemale
-isprobablyMrs.Claus,right?
-[applause]
Yeah,weallknowher.
Ordowe?
Weknowanideaofher.
Wecoulddrawher.
Butdoweknow...
Kristin?
KristinGiordano.
OfSyosset,NewYork.
InthewordsofMariah,
wedon'tknowher.
AndIthinkthat'ssad.
Imean,sheis
thisfemaleiconofChristmas
thatwepretendtocelebrate,
andIjustthinkit'swrong
thatweknownothing
abouthertruestory.
SoItookituponmyself
asamusicalartist...
...tositdownandreally
justputpentopaper
andtrytodrawoutaperson
thatmadesensetome
basedontheinformation
thatwedohave.
gentlepianochords

You'vebeenbad
Iknowthatwhenyou
Andyourreindeerboys
gearup
Thatyou'lllookback
You'llsay,"It's24hours.
I'llseeyalater"
ButIdidthemath
Ibetyouthought
thatIwouldnotbe
Capableofthat
ButIboughtacalculator
Anditwouldtake
Fivehundredandthirty
trillion
Sevenhundred
andforty-fivebillion
Twohundredandthirty-three
millionhours
Toseeeveryhouse
intheworld
Sowheredoyougo
whenyouleave?
EveryChristmasEve
BecauseIknow
youarelyingtome
SantaClaus,
yougotcaught
Wheredoyougo
whenyouleave?
EveryChristmasEve
EveryChristmas
Isitathome
I'mwonderingwhichone
Whichoftheworld'snations
housesthewoman
Whostolemyhusband,
stolemywholelife
Therearesomanynations,
Iread
There'seighthundredand
forty-fivethousandbillion
Twenty-twomillion,
twohundredsixthousand
Twentyeighttrillion
andtwohundredbillion
Countriesintheworld
Sowheredoyougo
whenyouleave?
EveryChristmasEve
BecauseIknow
youarelyingtome,Nick
Ilookeditup.
Santa"Claus,"
yougotcaught
Wheredoyougo
whenyouleave?
EveryChristmasEve
Youusedtoteach
secondgrade
Iusedtothink
youneverevenreallyhad
Dreamsatallbeforethis
Ididn'tgotocollege
outofhighschool
IwenttotheNorthPole
ButstillIstay
thecourse
BecauseifIleft
Whatwould
thewholeworldsay?
ButIthink
I'mleavingyouanyway
'Causethereare
Sixhundredandninety-eight
billionbillion
Fortyandtwo
andsix-ninetyfafillion
Othermenintheworld
Andifthatsoundswrong,
Idon'tcare
Theywon'tlietome
whentheyleave
NoteveryChristmasEve
LikeIknow
you'vebeenlyingtome
SantaClaus,
yougotcaught
[loudly] Wheredoyougo
whenyouleave
EveryChristmasEve?
Fromnowon
you'redonehurtingme
EveryChristmasEve
[softly]
Ididthemath
Ibetyouthought
thatIwouldnotbe
Capableofthat
endchords
Youknow,Ihaveafeeling
herinstinctsareright.
Hermathisdefinitelywrong.
Um,atthistime,
Iwouldliketoaddresssortof
anelephantintheroom.
Theelephantiscurrently
playingpiano.
HisnameisHenryKoperski.
Giveituponemoretime.
Thetruthis
thatHenryandIusedtobe
alittlebitofanitem.
Weusedtobealittlebitofa
thingfortwoandahalfyears.
Um...
Henry'salovelyperson,
butithadtoend
becausethethingaboutHenry--
canyouputearmuffs?
Earmuffs.
ThethingaboutHenry
ishedidn'tfuckinggetit.
Whoisdatingsomeone
andtheyjustdon'tfucking
getit?
YouguysknowwhatI'msaying?
Theydon'tfuckinggetit.
It's,like,youjust--
there'spartsofit
thataregood,
youwanttomakeitwork,
and--buttheyjustdon't
fuckinggetit.
Andwheredoyougofromthere?
It'sjust,like--
youcantakethemoffnow.
Hewouldtakeme
tothesefuckedup
stupidfuckingplaces.
Iwaslike,"Whatkindofgirl
doyouthinkIam?"
Like,thewayhe's,like,
takingmetothesejoints--
like,hejustdidn'tgetit.
AndsoIforcedhimtowrite
asongwithme
aboutourrelationship,
andwe'regonnaperformit
righthere.
Herewego.
[vocalizes]
Yeah,yeah
funkymusic
Ooh
Heardyousay
youhadasurprise
Areservationreallynice?
No
Andooh
whyyoutrynamessaround?
Whyyoutakingme
downtown?
No,no
BecauseI'mdressedup
Notnicebutwarm
Ifyouwannamarryme
Youbetterlistentothis
So-oo-oo-oo-ong
Iwannago
wheretheyfilmmadthings
Bumpintopeople
accidentally
AtRockafellaCenta
Yes,yes
RockafellaCenta
Iwannawatch
thepeopleiceskating
Lookupatatree
thatissobig
AtRockafellaCenta,
youknowtheone
RockafellaCenta
[gasps]
IwannaseeJimmyFallon
comeoutthebuilding
Because
that'swhereheworks
IwannaseeAlRoker
comeoutthebuilding
Because
that'swhereheworks
Iwannasee
JennaBushHager
Comeoutthebuilding
Because
that'swheresheworks
AndIwannasee
thebig,thebig,thebig
Thebig,big,bigtree,
treeatRockafellaCenta
IsthatHoda?
RockafellaCenta,
itisHoda
RockafellaCenta,uh
WishIcouldlive
attheCenta
Hi,girl.
It'smostlyaboutthetree
That'swhatit's
reallyaboutforme
TreeatRockafellaCenta
MikeyDay?
RockafellaCenta
GodblessRockafellaCenta
-Rockafella...
-[all]Centa.
Centa
-[bellrings]
-Allright,guys,
sotoday,insteadofreading,
we'regonnado
alittleChristmastreat,okay?
Wehaveareallyspecialguest
comingin.
IsitSantaClaus?
Ho,ho.
Thefuck'sthat?
Y'all,it'sMattRogers,
Christmasicon.
Ho,ho!
It'sactually--
there'sthree"hos"
Like,it's,like,"ho,ho,ho."
Ho.
GotallexcitedforSanta
oratleastsomeone
pretendingtobeSanta.
EvenifSanta's...
Yeah,wedon'tneedtosayit.
[student]Yeah.
Okay,well,thankyou,
MissPeters
forallowingme
tocomeinheretoday
andgiveyoulittleones
aspecialgift.
Littleones?We'reten.
Don'tbecondescending.
Okay,um...
Well...
Iamarecordingartist.
Doesanybodyknow
whatthatmeans?
Yes.
Evidently,it'ssomeone
whotalksdowntopeople
likethey'refools.
Okay,seriously,
whatistheproblemhere?
Because,um...
didyounottellthem
whatwashappening?
No.
I'mlikeahugefan
ofthepodcast.
MissPeters,youaresobasic.
Stop.Youembarrassyourself.
Thankyouforthat.
Okay,well,everyone,
I'masinger.
AndI'vebeenthinkingalot
aboutyoukidsnowadays.
BecauseIthinkitstinks
thatthereare
somanyChristmassongs
butthereare
noChristmaslullabies.
-Jesus!
-[groans]
SowhatIdidisIwrote
aChristmaslullaby,
andI'mgonnadebutit
foryouallrightnow.
[chuckles]
Yes,littlequeen.
SocanIjustask,
isthisapressopportunity
foryou?
'Causecomingherewith
acameracrewandeverything,
tellingusyou'regonnagiveus
agift--
yourenergy'sveryselfish.
I'mfeelingalittle...used.
Yeah,like,doyourthing.
You'realreadyhere.
Butwejustwanttoget
realclear
aboutthefact
thatthisisforyou
andnota"gift"forus
beforeyoudoyourlittlesong.
Clown.
Okay.
Well,thissongiscalled
"Snowflakes,"
anditgoes
alittlesomethinglikethis.
-Ooh,s--
-Uh,excuseme.
It'sachop.
Butwhatever
you'relookingfor,
wehopeyoufindit.
[shudders]Ooh!
Ohh!
Suddenly,itjustgot
verycoldonstage.
Youknow?It'sverycold.
Henry,aren'tyoucold?
Dobrr.Dobrr.Act.
Man,it'ssochilly.
IthinkwhatImightneed
issomebodyheatuphere.
SoI'mgonnainvite
acoupleofmyfriends.
Everybodygiveitup
forthetalentedJoshSharp
andAaronJackson!
Youweretherethewholetime?
Thanksforcomingtotheshow,
doll.
Hi.
-Wow!
-Thanksforbeing
-ontheshow,guys.
-MerryChristmas.
[together]MerryChristmas.
So,wait,let'sjustget
intoit,shallwe?
Thequestiononeveryone's
mindsandlips...
[Aaron]Yeah.
Whatareyouguysdoing
fortheholidays?
Areyougoingbackhome
andseeingsomefamily?
-[both]Yes.
-Isthatwhat'shappening?
-Absolutely.
-[Aaron]That'shappening.
Myfamilyactuallyhas
thisreallyfuntradition.
-Okay.
-EveryChristmaswedo,um,
aWhiteElephantgiftexchange.
-Ilovethat.
-IloveWhiteElephant
'causeyoucandothetrade--
-Thestealing,yes.
-Thesteals.
Yeah,Ilovetosteal.
And,um,
it'ssointeresting,though,
because,like,everyyear
I'llbeopeningapresent--
I'llbeopeningmine,
and,youknow,I'll,like,
holdout,youknow,thesocks
orsomethingfunnylikethat.
-Yeah.
-Andtheneveryone
inthefamilywillturntome,
andthey'lllookatme
andthey'llsay,
"Inyourrelationship,
whoistheman
andwhoisthewoman?"
-Well,thatseems...
-Idon'tlikethat.
-Random.
-It'ssocrazy.
AndI'mlike,"Firstofall,
weprefertheterms
holeandpole."
ButIjustwannasay,
Ireallylovethetradition
andIlovetheWhiteElephant.
-[Matt]Ofcourse.
Uh,myfamilyactuallyhas
atradition,too.
-[Aaron]Oh!
-[Matt]Okay.
Sowedothisthing
whereweeatameal.
-Oh,mygosh.
-Classic.
Yes,it'slikethisbigmeal.
Andthere's,like--
everybody'sthere
andthere'sallthesesides.
ButIfindthatalways,like,
I'm,like,diggingintothe--
youknow,
theChristmasturkey...
-Yeah.
-AndI'm,like,suckingout--
I'vegotthebigleg
inmymouthandthey'relike,
"Isthiswhatsuckingacock
islike?"theysaytome.
-[Aaron]Oh,myGod.
-Hello,microaggression.
Right.Verymicroaggressive.
-Verymicroaggressive.
-AndI'mlike,
"Firstofall,no.
Cocksaren'tcooked."
-Yeah.
-Duh.
-Famouslyraw.
-Oh,therawest.
Andthenalso,
theydon'taskit
ofanyoneelse,
andI'mlike,
"Alotofthesegirls
suckcock.
Quitefrankly,
I'mnottheonlyone."
-[Matt]Theydo.
-Buttheyaskonlymethat.
Iwouldimaginetheysuckcock.
Butthemealissofun.
-[Aaron]Yum.
-Andthere'ssomany
kidsthere.
Therearesomanykids.
It'smostlykids.
Yeah,um,soforme,Iguess--
-Oh,myGod,Matt.
-Matt,oh,myGod.
-Don'tcry.
-What'sup?
It'sjustbeen
reallyhardforme
withmyextendedfamily
andtheclimate.
Andjust,like--
Idon'tknow,girls.
Hey,girl,
what'sthematter?
Feelslikeyoudonelost
thatshine
-[mouthing]Idid?
-[Josh] It'slikeevery
YearwhenChristmas
comesaround
Youalwaysloseyourmind
Isityourjoboryourman
oryouroccupation
That'sgettingyoudown?
We'reyourgirls
Youcantellusnow
Well,firstletmesay
Youare
myverybestfriends
AndIknowthat
whenyouaddressmeasgirl
YouknowthatI'maman
[together] Yeah,yeah
But,honestly,
thisChristmas
Iamfeeling
kindofstrange
Idon'twannahear
myrelativessay
[together]
Wethinkyou'rewrong
Wethink
thatyou'renotright
You'reliberalandgay
Andwedon'twannahear
athingyousay
Hey,girl,
and,ofcourse,Imeanman
Iknowwhereyou'reat
ButIpromiseyou
thatwhatevergoesdown
I'mahaveyourback
Oh,myGod.
[together]
I'mahaveyourback
ThisChristmas
I'llbebyyourside
I'mahaveyourback
thisChristmas
Andforallyourlife
Eveniftheytry
totellyou
DonaldTrump
isstillpresident
Andtheydo.
Andyoupopoff
andtheykickyouout
[together]
I'mahaveyourback
Ooh,girl,thatmakesme
feelsogood
Youaremysupportsystem
Pleaseplanforme
tocometoyourhouse
Ihatemyfuckingfamily
AndI'mgonnafight
withthem
Hey,girl,
and,ofcourse,Imeanman
Yeah,yeah
Justremember
thatyouaren't
-Necessarily...
-[together] Rightorwrong
Therearealwaystwosides
Andeventhoughyou'regay
Itdoesn'tmean
they'reantagonizing
Girl,Isee
yourperspective
ButifIdon'tlike
onethingthatmyunclesays
I'maburnhishousedown
Andyouwillhavemyback,
herewego
I'mahaveyourback
thisChristmas
I'llbebyyourside
I'mahaveyourback
thisChristmas
Andforallyourlife
EvenifIgo
onafull-onrampage
'Causeofapolitical
disagreement
Youwilltellthepolice
Iwasatyourhouse
Youwillhavemyback
[both] Girl,no
Wewillnotlie
tothepolice
-What?
-I'myourfriend
ButIwon'tgotojail
foryou
-[Josh]Notagain,Mama.
-Somefriends.
-But,girl...
-Butgirl...
AndbygirlImean--
Yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah
Ifthere'saway
togetawaywitharson
Thentellus
whatwegottado
Firstyougottawait
-Tillthey'reon...
-[together] Vacation
Thenyousneak
insidethehouse
Yougetapicklejar
Andsomenewspaper
layingaround
-Mama,writethisdown
-Okay.
Theyougottafill
thepicklejarwith...
[together] Water
Yousurroundit
withthenewspaper
Youputitinasunnyroom
Andsay,
"Bitch,seeyoulater"
[together]
"I'mahaveyourback
ThisChristmas
I'llbebyyourside
I'mahaveyourback
thisChristmas
Andforallyourlife
Iwillnotgo
toprisonforyou
ButIcanhelpyou
doyourthing
Andburn
-Burn
-Burn
Downahouse
Ooh,girl
Wearemen,wearemen,
wearemen,wearemen
I'mahave
Yourback
Weare
Radical
Ized
JoshSharp,AaronJackson,
everybody.
[Josh]Thankyou.
I'mgonnastealthismic
andtakeithome.
Beadearandtakethosemics.
-I'mgonnatakethismichome.
-MerryChristmas.
HenryKoperski
onthatone,everybody.
Whoo!
Uh.Youknowwhat?
Withfriendslikethat,
anaudiencelikethis,
andaholidayliketonight,
IjustknowthatGod
mightbeuptohistricks.
upbeatmusic
Tellmeastory.
There'samagicboy
andhisnameisGod
Hesitsuponacloud
andgetsdowntohisjob
Hesays,
"Okay,mychildren
Whowantsbliss?"
Thenhecracks
hisbigoldknuckles
AndGodgetsup
tohistricks
Let'smakethewindblow
thesnowaround
Deckthehalls
Let'sfillthechildren's
earswithChristmassound
BecauseIamGod
Iamreal,Iamreal,
Iamreal,Iamreal
AndI'mfeeling
sometypeofway
Ooh,God,yougotup
Tosomefabulous
wah-wah-wah-wah
Trickstoday
ButdidyouknowthatGod
canalsobeabitch?
Helikestobringatragedy
atbadtimes
Andbelike,
"You'regonnaactuallylose
Yourwholehome"
Andthennothing
goodhappens
Youjustloseyourhome,
hesays
Let'ssendaphonecall
withweirdnews
Aboutyourmom'shealth
Shoot.
Let'skillthefamilydog
sosuddenly
Becauselifeissuffering
Iamreal,Iamreal,
Iamreal,Iamreal
AndI'mfeeling
myoatstoday
Ooh,God,yougotup
Tosomenastylittle
freaky,daddy,ooh!
Trickstoday
Herewego.
SometimesGodcansend
aplentifulblessing
Godcanmakeussay,
"Hey!Hey!Hey!Hey!"
SometimesGodcantry
tofuckupyourwholelife
Godcanmakeussay...
"Well,Idon'tfuckingknow
atthispoint."
Butwearegrateful
Foreverything
hedoesequally
Iamaperson
whoactuallybelievesthis
Andineveryelection
Ireliablyvote
Let'ssingthesingsongs
Anddancethedance
Butstoptopray
Saythanksforwater
andthankyou
Forthatthing
whereyouget
Suddenintenserectalpain
Heisreal,heisreal,
heisreal,heisreal
Andhe'sfeeling
sometypeofway
Ooh,God,yougotup
Tosomeincredible
Trickstoday
Ooh,God,youstupidbitch.
Yougotupto
sometricks
Today
Ijustwanttoapologize
aboutearlier
andthankyouall
forthehardworkthatyoudo.
But,sincewelastspoke
andIhad
mymajorpressappearance,
Ihaveturnedtoprayer.
AndIdon'tknowifit's
alltheChristmas
inmylifelately,
butIdidjusthaveavery
realconversationwithGod.
Andwhathesaidtome--
anditisahe--
soI'msosorryaboutthat.
Buthebasicallysaidtome--
It'sahardnofromMariah.
[glassshatters]
Uh,howhardishard?
Rock.Rockhard.
Like,imagineyousaw
OrlandoBloomatthegym,
whichIdidtwoweeksago.
Ihadtoleavethegym.
-[chuckles]
-Okay,sorry,sorry,sorry.
I'mjust--I'mprocessing.
Um,sothiswholething
ismoot?
-It'svoid,it's...
-It'smoot.
[toiletflushes]
Gah!Ugh.
Oh.I'msosorry
todisturbyou.
Hi.
I'mBowenYang.
[chuckles]
Bowen,Iknow.
It'sme,Matt.
Yourbestfriend.
Andwedoapodcast.
Oh,I'msosorry.
[chuckles]
Ican'tseeathing
withouttheseglasseson.
Blindasabatwithoutthem.
Littleknownfactaboutme,
BowenYang--
withoutthese
Ican'tseeatall.
Well,youshouldreallywear
yourglasses,then.
I'mhidingfrommyteam.
Gotasix-hourmeeting
togoover
allmyopportunities
infilmandtelevision.
Theyevenwantmetodo
aChristmasalbum.
-[chuckles]
-[runswater]
Wait,what?
Theywant you todo
aChristmasalbum?
Like,Iknow,right?
WhodotheythinkIam?
Somecraven,
money-hungryfamewhore
whowantsattention
yearafteryear,
benefitingfromtheChristian
industrialcomplex?No.
ButI'llprobablystilldoit.
BecauseIdoknow
thetruemeaningofChristmas.
Well,whatisit?
softmusicplays]
Family.
It'sfamily,Matt.

[doorcloses]
pensivepianomusic

[whispering]Family.
SoIhaveonemoresong.
-Aw...
-No!
Ineedtogo.
BeforeIdogetintoit...
Ijustwantedtosaythankyou
to,um,afewpeople.
First,Iwouldliketosay
thankyoutoallofyou
forbeinghere.
Thatmeansalottome,
sothanks.
Iwanttosaythanks
toJoe'sPub.
Itusedtobemydream
tojust,
like,seeashowhere.
Andthentodomyowniscool.
Ihavetosaythankyou
toHenryKoperski
because
I'mjustverylucky
tobeabletoworkwithsomeone
asbrilliantasyou,
andwe'vejustcomealongway,
soit'snicetohaveyouhere.
AndIcouldn'thavedoneit
withoutyou.
Andthislastoneis,um...
[sniffles]
it'sjustlessofathankyou
andmoreofareminder
tonottakeanybodyforgranted
because...[sniffles]
there'stwopeople
thatarenotheretonight
because
they'rejustnotaround.
Oh,theyarehere?Okay.
[sighs]It'smyparents.
Andthey'rehere,yeah.
Ididtellyoutotext
ifyouweregonnacome.
Dotheone
aboutthembeingalive.
Theyhavegivenmesomuch.
AndIthoughttheway
thatIcouldtrulyrepayyou
wasbyusingmytalent
togiveyousomething.
Sothisisasong
thatIwrotejustforyou.
HowdidIgetthislucky?
HowdidIget
Thebestparents
intheworld?

Mysisterandme
Weweredrawnout
thelottery
Betyourbottomdollar,
yeah,yeah
Mmmm
Andyoustillloveher
Andyoustillloveme
Andyoustillmakeitrain
OnChristmas
Youalwayshave
Acheckforme
Youstillmakeitrain
OnChristmas
Rainin'
Alloveryourgayson
Everyyear
Youtakemevacation
Iloveyou
Don'tevergetpoor
Ineed$60
[chuckles]
It'sformyVerizonbill
'Causeyou'rehere
IthoughtI
wouldjustsay...
[laughs]
Otherwiseyoucansaveup
formybirthday
'CauseIneedacoat
Iwouldlikeacoat
Youstillmakeitrain
OnChristmas
Youalways
Cutthatfatfuckingcheck
forme
Youstillmakeitrain
OnChristmas
Rainin'
Alloveryourgayson
Doyouremembertheyear
Yougotme
aPlayStation2?
Whenithasjustcomeout.
Iloveyou
Don'tevergetpoor
But,seriously,Iloveyou
AndIwouldbenothing
withoutyou
AndifI'manygood
atbeingme
It's'causeallmylife
Icouldsee
Twopeople
Whoknewhowtosave
AndthankGodyoudid
BecauseIthinkIneedyou
topayfor
Mytherapist
Youstillmakeitrain
OnChristmas
Youalwayscut
Thatfatfuckingcheck
forme
Youstillmakeitrain
OnChristmas
Rainin'
Alloveryouronlygayson
Andeveryyearyoutakeme
OnasickOrlandovacation
Oh,Iloveyou
Don'tevergetpoor
Iloveyou
Pleasedoyourbest
toneverbecomepoor
Iloveyou
Don'teverget
Po-oo
Ooooor
[cheersandapplause]
upbeatpiano

[pianomusiccontinues]

cheerful,jauntymusic

-[electricitycrackling]
-[fliesbuzzing]