Miami Bici 2 (2023) Movie Script
1
We'll die frozen like two penguins.
Fuck your TikTok and your grandma,
you hippie!
I told you not to call me a hippie,
you twat!
Come closer to piss on you
and warm you up.
And then you piss on me.
I saw it in a movie and it works.
In what fucking movie did you see that?
- I've already seen The Terminator.
- It's not The Terminator.
My dad recorded some porno scenes
with Sandra Romain,
the ones the whole Buzu knows about.
- Did your dad recorded P-Stars for you?
- It was a present for my birthday.
On grandma's tape cassette?
She's gonna kill me! She'll shave my head!
The real action begins now.
I couldn't be with someone who undresses
for every creep to see. What about you?
I have a pain under my belly button.
What happened?
What are you doing here?
You're wearing the tape I recorded
the Sevilla match on.
Is that how you do your math homework?
What do I need math for?
I can be poor without it!
Grandma, I need shell game lessons
in my life.
Yo!
Go and get your homework done,
or we'll end up in hell!
Switch off the TV now.
Run!
Crazy Garlic!
Come on, you goofy Romanians, come on!
Come to Romanian smalls!
Come on, assholes! Motherfuckers!
- Be bold!
- You're nuts.
- Dude, they've got mici. You want some?
- Yes, eight, 'cause I'm craving for them.
You are Romanians, right?
- Yes. You too?
- I can't believe it!
- So cool! Sorry.
- Nice to meet you. No worries.
- Tudorel.
- Nice to meet you.
- Man, the car you have!
- Crazy Garlic is really crazy.
How much did you pay for it?
Tell me exactly.
How much do you gain monthly?
You gain a lot, right?
Carlos, go inside
and put five mici on the grill.
What do you do for a living?
How much money do you make monthly?
How much money exactly?
Between us, I'm a cardiologist
in Los Angeles.
Do you get it?
Real bomb. I guess you're really good.
I perform lots of operations, you know.
- If you understand what I mean.
- Yeah, I usually understand.
Yes, yes.
Maybe I should also move to LA.
We're looking for new cardiologists
all the time. I mean you know.
I understand, but I'm not that smart.
My friend, you don't need to be smart.
If your hand is
- Quick.
- Bravo!
You need to have a quick hand,
if you know what I mean.
- I do know, yes, quick hand
- Pay attention.
This weekend, the largest cardiologists'
meeting ever in Beverly Hills.
All of them will gather there.
Do you understand?
I'm really sorry, Doctor. I understand
every word you say. I'm not stupid.
He's funny. "Doctor". I like you.
You'd make good money
if you come with your truck.
You can't find mici in LA.
- Not a single one.
- Nothing.
Quality paper.
Here you go. Thank you so much.
Thanks a lot. Good luck with your job.
- Thanks.
- Suck my dick.
Old story
Have a safe journey!
Have a safe journey,
and next time we'll talk more
Did he say "suck my dick"
or did I just imagine it?
He did.
Why was he so upset when I told him
that I loved him?
- Yes.
- Hi! How's everything going?
It's going fine. In my field, you'd have
to be stupid not to be doing well.
I also have a million opportunities.
I'm not leaving America
until I make a million dollars.
Maybe on the Moon.
I got an offer to move to LA.
To those liberals who skinned Trump?
I just need to borrow
1,000 dollars cash this week.
You know what it's like to withdraw money
from several banks.
Ask Juanita.
We broke up.
So you left home to be an adult,
and that bitch left you?
Don't call her a bitch! Eat my dick.
Eat my dick.
Okay?
Crazy Garlic, man!
I LOVE YOU, MAMA
I love you!
I love you!
- I love you!
- Yeah.
I love you.
Both of you.
Slowly.
I love you.
Crazy Garlic!
Yo!
Pici?
Bil!
What's with all that pawnshop
in your mouth?
It's a rapper thing, you'd never get it.
Let's go to LA, we move to LA.
You suddenly changed your mind.
No. Check this out. Look. See?
Three thousand dollar.
A salary bonus. For you. Your money.
Look here. We move to LA.
- We both start there. Let's move this.
- You're showing me 3,000 dollars?
I know what are you saying, that I have
an empire and you are poor,
but we, Romanians, have to help each other
when we're abroad,
you know what I'm saying?
- How are you, Grandma?
- I'm waiting for the guys.
- Are you going to the game?
- No, we're doing a TikTok.
Did you get into TikTok at your age?
What shall I do, loan? I'm a Romanian.
I'll do anything to elude work.
Listen, I wanted to tell you
I'm moving to Los Angeles.
Be careful, the further you are from home
the more troubles you have.
Pici, we've argued before,
we've said bad words to each other,
but I feel this is the beginning
of a new chapter.
What a civilization! Other circumstances
Fuck
The truck!
The damned Americans robbed me!
Americans? Those were emigrants.
- If Trump was still in power
- Cut it out with your stupid Trump.
You are the stupid one. Trump is
the best president we have ever had!
"We" You don't even have the right
to vote, Pici.
Naturally. Minorities shouldn't be allowed
to vote in our country.
In our country?
Until you were 23 years old,
you pooped in the yard in Buzu.
At least I had a yard.
Dude, do you realize how this man
changed the world?
How he came back all naked
and saved us all.
Too bad he was melted down for scrap.
Listen. Maybe one day I will also have
my name on a street in Buzu.
Ilie Piciu.
And at the entrance to be written
Welcome to Buzu!
Ilie Piciu.
And maybe even your name, written
in fine print, "friends with lon Bil".
If I were in GTA San Andreas, in one
of these yards there was a BMX bike.
I've told you a thousand times.
That is a game, not a documentary.
How can you lead your life after a game?
Let's go. It's illegal to jump the fence.
Well, why not teach the fool a lesson?
- Now we have to steal it.
- You know how it is.
They steal their bicycle today,
tomorrow their children.
Come!
Isn't your Miami business going down
if you hang around here?
On the contrary.
I have two investors
who take care of everything for me.
It's going smooth. I have an empire.
What are you doing?
Small crates.
There's a Romanian around here.
Easy, you nuts!
- Hi!
- Hey!
Pici, this one is your type.
Look at her behind. Buttocks!
Butt! Ass!
Would you spank it?
Come on, spank it. Go on!
It's okay. I kept hearing what men
would do to me. In many languages.
- What are you doing here?
- Well
I moved here with my employee lon Bil
to open a restaurant.
- With my employee Bil.
- Good for you! Bravo!
How much money do you make a month,
if you don't mind?
Tell me exactly.
I work for Studio 20,
if you heard about it.
We don't listen much to Moga, Smiley.
We listen more to thrumming music.
What? No.
Studio 20 is a video chat studio.
We have studios everywhere,
in London, in LA. I handle the one in LA.
Come in.
Man, you make a lot of money a month
if you can afford this house and that car.
I bought the car
with a three month salary.
But what do you have to do for that money?
It's not what you think.
You have to know how to speak, and
especially you have to know how to listen.
I mean, yes, I'm sexy and I know it.
Thank you.
But I offer people understanding,
a kind of psychological counseling.
There's no shame in making money
while helping people feel better, right?
She's so cool and she's loaded,
but she's uses so many words.
- Maybe because she's not stupid?
- I knew she wasn't my type.
Where are you guys supposed to go?
- Beverly Hills.
- I can't take you there, sorry.
I have a marketing meeting in 20 minutes.
But I can lend you my vintage car.
A marketing meeting, yeah, right.
Is this your vintage car?
It's worth more than a Cadillac.
It's worth even more than a Ferrari.
There are only two of them in the country.
One is in New York,
the other one is here, in front of you.
I'll lend it to you, 'cause Romanians
must help each other abroad, right?
Once poor, always poor.
Sorry?
- Thank you so much.
- God bless you for it.
Don't go more than 100 km/h.
Maybe downhill.
LA, baby!
What kind of doctors are these?
Heart doctors.
When I took my grandma to Bucharest,
because she had heart palpitations,
I bribed the nurse
with 150 lei to see her.
How much do you think
there's in an envelope here?
Minimum 500.
I hope he's at home, at least.
Let me ask this guy with an Aquaman face.
What the hell is that?
Are you going for surgery?
Maybe there are microbes.
Take that off, you're embarrassing me.
Those times are long gone.
Well done, dude! You're here! I'm glad!
- You brought your employee with you.
- I'm not an employee, I'm an associate.
- Ilie Piciu.
- Tampon. Nice to meet you.
Hey guys! Everybody!
Tonight we have mici!
All the way from Miami!
I don't like this guy.
- And I don't like these people.
- Why not?
Aren't they like all your drug addicts
and whores in Miami?
There's something I don't like about them.
You're jealous that I finally enjoy
the friendship of some cultured people.
- Foie gras and caviar?
- Of course.
Dude! Aren't you vegan?
Of course I am. Vegan, but not stupid.
Guys, come meet
my famous fellow cardiologists.
Mr. Toad.
- Axe, you've already met.
- Hello.
- You also met Tudorel.
- Yes, in Miami.
And the most important one,
the famous Hammer.
Tudorel, nice to meet you.
Guys, I want you to show me the mici.
It's just the truck is no more.
What do you mean?
Since we entered LA,
it was stolen in three seconds.
Welcome to LA!
What can I say? To hell with the truck!
Guys, you have to understand
that LA is mean to newcomers.
It's like Bucharest compared
to a shitty provincial town. Tell me!
- Buzu.
- Exactly. Do you understand?
- Fuck the truck. God help us!
- Cheers, guys!
This can't get any worse.
Cheers, cheers.
I was sitting on the edge of the pool
and I was thinking,
rather than going hello, going back
wouldn't it be better for you to stay here
in LA and work for me and Susan?
He's coming, but he walks slowly
due to varicose veins.
So cool! Do you have an American wife?
This one's so funny!
A moment. Sir
Come with me.
What happened?
- Come, come
- What are you doing? Are you nuts?
Dude, these guys are "cardiologists".
I finally found some people who respect me
and see the real potential in me,
and you want to ruin everything.
No, dude. They are cardiologists with
- What the fuck? Are you a bunny or what?
- Dude, they're cloning cards, moron.
Got it? Card-iologists.
They steal credit card information.
Look at their peg faces. Do you think
they can read better than me?
My heart is aching. I don't wanna start
with those things over again, please.
- Should one of them listen to my heart?
- Man!
I'll do it myself.
Yo, let's get us outta here.
Let's go.
That's the medical kit.
You open it up, take a card,
draw 50 dollars from it, in small bills,
tip the dancer,
then use another card and so on.
Simple.
Here's some money, to get settled.
Ten thousand your cut,
and ten thousand Bil's.
I'll take Bil's cut
'cause he's not good with money and such.
Kisses!
Get to work!
Guys, don't get drunk
and don't draw attention to yourselves.
Come on, man, we are discreet.
Hooters!
What did Tampon say about the money?
No He's not gonna give us money,
but he's gonna pay us in NFTs.
- In what?
- NFTs.
Haven't you heard of Bitcoin, Ethereum?
It's the money of the future.
- It's just I need it now.
- In crypto, dude.
- Money is best kept in crypto.
- And where's my NFT?
How can I give it to you?
There's nothing palpable, understand?
It's digital art.
- Show it to me then.
- I'm showing you a dick.
Wash, krtskalcs.
She's not what you think.
Again.
I finally found someone who likes me for
Motherfucker, every time you see me
doing well, you interfere.
Leave me the hell alone.
- She's a trans, idiot.
- So what? I respect all religions.
Dude, this girl is a transsexual.
One more, please
Bil!
Are you ready for your first NFT?
Take your phone.
It's a Shar Pei.
It's planet Mars with vegetation?
Oh, no, it's a platypus,
the one that eats ants?
What is it?
It's art, dumbass.
It's what the viewer wants it to be.
It's
That is why it is so valuable.
God help us!
Let the money come!
Hear that? NFT? Who'd ever believe
they're making money with NFT?
Pici, there's something strange.
They're throwing the money,
but I don't hear manele.
But I can hear it.
You are so beautiful!
Hold on. Again, from the beginning.
Let's go. Hurry up!
What are you doing?
You crushed my vibe, you fuck!
Yes, I miss you too. Listen.
I'll make some money soon
and I was thinking
maybe you can make yourself a card
so I can send you money to pay the fine.
I don't give a shit about cards!
I don't trust cards.
Cards are thieves' dream.
I can't talk to you right now, I'm busy.
What are you guys doing there?
Wait, balls!
You liked the blonde one, eh?
Not as much as you liked the brunette.
- So what are you going to do?
- Nothing.
I'm not a good fit with women
who have a bigger dick than I.
What are you gonna do
with the blonde, you idiot?
- With Kelly? Nothing.
- You seemed in love with her.
It's hard.
It's obvious that we're a good match,
because we're both smart
but
I wouldn't want my girl to undress
for all the creepy men.
All your girlfriends were like that, Pici.
Both of them, yes.
The boys are here.
Hey! Hi!
He's looking so fine.
What are you doing, guys?
We took a swim in the sea yesterday
and now
Really?
Did you get drunk and make a ruckus?
No, that's how I dance.
- And you take money from the floor.
- He does that.
Do you?
You schmuck, in America, money is sacred.
If you pick up a dollar from the floor,
it's considered theft.
Theft.
And what's more, you spit on women!
Do you spit on women?
Lucky for you,
that club is part of the Eastern Block,
and Mr. Susan apologized on your behalf.
Mr. Susan. The big boss.
The shark. El Chupacabra.
- Yes, the boss
- Yes, the boss.
LA is big. It's big.
Think of it like ten times Brila town.
And, so that you can control it,
we have divided it into some areas,
so that we can understand it better.
The gas stations. We gave them
to the Albanians. Get it?
The clubs. We gave them to the Armenians.
And now, we, the Romanians,
took the important tourist spots.
Get it? 'Cause it's there
where the money comes in.
Mr. Susan helped us by gathering all of us
in the Eastern Block
to protect us against the big sharks,
The Bloods, The Crips Understand?
Bloods, Crisps Yep.
Check this out.
This is the overlay.
The overlay
- What's an overlay?
- This is how data is stolen.
If in seven days I don't make
real "cardiologists" out of you,
you may spit on me right here.
Stay quiet, damn it!
Go to work.
- I'm gonna send you some palinc.
- I told you I don't drink anymore.
A sip of palinc never killed anyone.
Except your father,
but that's another story.
- Here's some plincu for the Americans.
- Thank you.
Don't forget to put some palinc
in the trunk for the boss.
He likes it.
How the hell do you explain this
to your friends?
What a dope she is!
How is my NFT doing?
It's either hard or flask,
it's hurting me when I pee
What?
Leave me alone, I'm texting.
Take a look for a sec.
Tell me how it's working.
Has it increased or decreased?
Is it okay? Take a look for a sec.
Come on, I'm gonna buy you
Idiot! Aren't you ashamed?
Didn't I tell you it cost me a lot?
- Do you want some nachos?
- Eat them all.
- It stinks in here!
- Hello! How are you?
Nadia Comneci?
Hello.
I'm so glad to see Romanians!
What are you doing here?
We're on business.
Business? Are you working somewhere?
We do, we work with cables
and steel, and such
Pulling steel cables?
You don't look too good.
Do you sleep on the street?
Are you homeless?
We are not homeless. We sleep in the car
and at some friends.
You know what? I'd like to help
you with some money.
You know how it is
- If it happens
- It happens.
No, don't use the card, Mrs. Nadia!
There's a problem with the ATM! Don't!
- Why would the ATM have a problem?
- Maybe they'll steal your data.
America is a civilized country, right?
There are all kinds of bastards,
villains, swindlers, Romanians
- There are other Romanians.
- The Romanians must help one another.
No. It's best you send us to hell.
- Oh, poor guys!
- We're not so poor.
Poor, but proud.
Be blessed.
- God bless you.
- Thank you.
Lots of health!
Oh, my! We stole from Nadia Comneci.
We'll burn in hell.
We stole from Nadia Comneci
and we'll burn in hell, Pici.
He seems upset. Maybe the skimmer
didn't work yesterday at Nadia's.
Congratulations!
Two boys tricked me.
She had a long career. Surely
she still has money in other accounts.
I had all the money in this account.
I have nothing left.
She won trophies, medals She pawns them.
Medals, trophies
I recently donated them to charity.
That's it, I have nothing left.
Everything was stolen.
- She can go to the Star Farm anytime.
- A thousand per cent, we'll rot in hell.
Good job, boys! Long live the boys!
- Help yourselves!
- Let's enjoy ourselves!
Come on.
Come over here. Sit down.
- Sit. Make sit.
- Here you go.
What are they doing?
You know, my grandma had the same thing.
She was always angry
saying, "Drop dead, Barcelona!".
Tell me quickly,
because I have a lot of orders.
- How are you doing?
- I'm expanding.
I realized that if I send with Tazz,
I can easy cover the whole city.
Because them riders aren't allowed
to search the bags, you know?
GRANDMA MEATBALLS
- Are the meatballs sealed well?
- Of course they are.
What did you do when your varicose veins
hurt and you couldn't go to the stadium?
Do you have varicose veins problems
at your age?
It's not me, a colleague of mine
is suffering a lot.
- Cabbage.
- Yeah, cabbage He's like a cabbage.
No, dumbass, real cabbage.
Beat those cabbage leaves well
Who goes to Berceni?
Beat those cabbage leaves well with salt
and make a poultice,
and you put that on for three-four hours.
My darlings, wait till tonight.
Lady Grandma.
Who's that creepy guy?
No, what's with you? It's my boss.
- The big boss.
- Hi!
Really? Okay. Tell him to blow me.
Damn Romanians! When they get the chance,
they stab you in the back.
Maybe we should send them on vacation,
I say.
Yes, Miami is a cool destination
these days. At Nikki B are hot chicks.
- What?
- Miami.
Not on vacation, dude.
On vacation six feet under.
Bil, come here!
- I found your truck.
- I can't believe it.
It's at some friends of mine
who say they got it second hand.
You go and pick it up.
- May God give them health.
- Wait. They have a baptism. You know?
- You should change your clothes
- With what?
I'll give you something to wear,
so you can show a little respect.
God forbid,
I wouldn't want to insult them.
No! Be sure to tell them
you come on my behalf.
And are they just gonna give it to me?
And are they just gonna give it to you?
Yes. But those people are religious,
so I should wear this robe.
His name is Cornel.
What a nerdy motherfucker's name!
- What are your plans?
- I have a romantic date with Kelly.
- And what are those?
- Pills for fucking.
And it's okay you eat them like candies?
Only suckers read the safety information.
Red and blue always go together,
'cause it's from God.
And cops give the whole neighborhood
a blowjob.
Yo!
Don't die!
You know you don't have insurance.
No, they're throwing firecrackers here.
Are you driving?
The real money is made
while driving an 18-wheeler!
What the hell is this, a Pepsi ad?
Come here. Let's go.
- I'm with my homies. What do you want?
- It's bad with this Tampon of yours.
My Tampon. Wasn't he our Tampon?
Isn't he sending you all my money?
- Didn't I give you that NFT?
- Oh yeah, my NFT.
That's what I was saying. Let's go.
I'll give you some culture, you idiots.
I found them!
Here they are.
Come, guys!
- Is it okay?
- Yes.
Here I am at Ganesha, on Primverii.
So beautiful! Stylish place!
And now a shisha
with a Bitcoin flavor. Fuck me!
Oops! You post it there,
I'm coming right back!
Mister! Let Mrs. Grandma kiss you!
Such a handsome and well-dressed man
you are!
- Hello, dear lady.
- Mrs. Grandma.
- Hi!
- Hi!
Got ya, sucker!
Ilie, I'll hold him and you kick his ass!
Cup final in 1990,
you scores two goals against us,
but let us pay you back with interest!
Costi, bring those hot coals!
Mrs. Grandma, wait a second.
Calm down, please.
Did you betray us too?
Are you on the Red Dogs side?
I can't believe it!
- Mrs. Grandma, we are colleagues.
- We are more than brothers.
We united, we make a team like in '94.
Okay, fine. I liked you when you played
with those devils
AC Milan, grandma. AC Milan.
- Signora Grandma.
- Okay, Signora Grandma.
Mister, come si dice here.
- I said it well.
- Correct.
Do the math, you idiot!
Turn right here!
- What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm signaling, dumbass. What?
You haven't signaled in Buzu
for 15 years, and you do it now?
Come on! Fucking hell!
- Go!
- I'll cut you off!
- Make sure
- Take a right here!
Go!
Come on, you idiot!
- Where are we going?
- Inside this depo I know nothing about.
Come on!
Stop!
Piciu, why are we being followed
by these women from Miami?
Maybe because of your mici!
You got someone sick!
- What?
- Your account has been suspended.
- My account?
- Yes.
What? Let me see.
And the money?
Piciu, did you cheat someone in Miami?
No! I'm a fair businessman. I sell drugs,
I steal cards, but I don't cheat!
- I can't talk right now.
- Let me tell you.
- They suspended my TikTok account.
- What do you mean? And the money?
And the money as well!
- I have to go.
- Don't hung up! Bil!
It's because your fucking TikTok!
You told them where we are!
I love you. Bye.
The car isn't going faster!
Help! I don't wanna die!
This fucking car!
Smoke!
Smoke!
That woman told you not to drive fast!
You're not gonna catch us!
You're not gonna catch us!
I can die twice, yes?
If Tampon doesn't kill me,
the Russians will.
Are you cheating the Russians?
Are you nuts?
Weren't you the first to cheat on me?
Me cheating on you?
Yes, you.
Didn't we say we're going to LA,
to the doctors?
But you were doing fine in Miami
with your truck.
Aren't you ashamed?
Maybe I did cheat someone,
but you told me we would go to LA,
that you'd invest in BDSM
Yes, I did.
That's the problem in Romania.
You can't cheat someone because
someone like you comes to cheat on you!
You want me to cut you?
Or you want me to scratch your face
with this plastic knife?
Do it!
We're not acting like children
Do you realize that there are people
who have lost their whole lives
walking through this world?
We can see here New York, and Paris,
and Bellagio.
- Some people are stupid!
- Okay!
Perfect.
Paper cups, ball, everything, yes?
Go and bark!
Bite him like a crazy chihuahua.
Come on, get him! Get him!
I hope you'll die frozen first,
so I can eat you for months on end.
Piciu, if I die frozen before you,
and you decide to eat me up,
you start first with my balls!
With these balls!
Dude, your balls aren't enough
for a single bite.
Yeah? Come here,
so I can start eating you now.
Come here so I can take a bite out of you!
Come here, did you hear?
- Fuck you! Come here.
- You fucking walrus.
Your fat mother is a walrus!
Yo, check it out. They're coming.
If they come, we jump over them
when they open the door,
headbutt them in the mouth, and then run.
Come on, run!
Dude, I ran away from manual labor
all my life
and this one wants me to die
doing hard labor work?
I should have listened to my grandma.
We came to America and we'll die poor.
This time it's all your fault.
Welcome to your vacation in the desert,
my dears.
Yes, you crazy ones, an eternal vacation.
Eternal remembrance!
Fuck you, you traitor!
I am a traitor? You fucking little prick
I brought here and helped you,
and you cheated on me?
Fuck you, dirty Romanians!
Are you paranoid? That's exactly
the Romanians' problem who are abroad.
- They undermine each other.
- Well said! So dig each other's grave!
Yo, yo, yo! I'm not digging for this cow.
- He said to do it, let's do it.
- Yo!
You've loved shawarma all your life.
Now you dig a big grave.
I'm gonna dig a small grave just for me.
Piciu, do you want me to beat you in front
of everybody? I'm tired of your insults!
Look what I do on your grave.
Are you peeing on my grave?
I'm trying, but stop looking!
Turn your back.
Stop looking because I can't do it.
Are you peeing on my grave?
What are these tramps doing here?
What the fuck?
Take a look.
Let me see!
Yeah, it's a small cock.
Piciu, take off your pants.
- You first.
- What?
Never!
Piciu, did you double cross me?
Technically, I cheated on your cheat
for my cheat.
Piciu
I feel my whole life
flashing before my eyes.
Me too.
You know, we've been living the same life.
Yes, but I've fucked more!
Bil!
Bil!
Bil!
Not my little Bil!
Why did you take him from me, God?
Bil!
Bil!
Take me, God!
Come on, I thought you were dead.
You shed a tear, sucker?
I shed a tear my ass.
Look at that guy crawling!
You motherfucker snake! Fuck you!
Yo! You shot me in the ass!
What the fuck is this smell?
A sip of palinc never killed anyone.
Shoot palinca!
Say it!
Tell her you love her.
I'll cross him off the list.
We'll die frozen like two penguins.
Fuck your TikTok and your grandma,
you hippie!
I told you not to call me a hippie,
you twat!
Come closer to piss on you
and warm you up.
And then you piss on me.
I saw it in a movie and it works.
In what fucking movie did you see that?
- I've already seen The Terminator.
- It's not The Terminator.
My dad recorded some porno scenes
with Sandra Romain,
the ones the whole Buzu knows about.
- Did your dad recorded P-Stars for you?
- It was a present for my birthday.
On grandma's tape cassette?
She's gonna kill me! She'll shave my head!
The real action begins now.
I couldn't be with someone who undresses
for every creep to see. What about you?
I have a pain under my belly button.
What happened?
What are you doing here?
You're wearing the tape I recorded
the Sevilla match on.
Is that how you do your math homework?
What do I need math for?
I can be poor without it!
Grandma, I need shell game lessons
in my life.
Yo!
Go and get your homework done,
or we'll end up in hell!
Switch off the TV now.
Run!
Crazy Garlic!
Come on, you goofy Romanians, come on!
Come to Romanian smalls!
Come on, assholes! Motherfuckers!
- Be bold!
- You're nuts.
- Dude, they've got mici. You want some?
- Yes, eight, 'cause I'm craving for them.
You are Romanians, right?
- Yes. You too?
- I can't believe it!
- So cool! Sorry.
- Nice to meet you. No worries.
- Tudorel.
- Nice to meet you.
- Man, the car you have!
- Crazy Garlic is really crazy.
How much did you pay for it?
Tell me exactly.
How much do you gain monthly?
You gain a lot, right?
Carlos, go inside
and put five mici on the grill.
What do you do for a living?
How much money do you make monthly?
How much money exactly?
Between us, I'm a cardiologist
in Los Angeles.
Do you get it?
Real bomb. I guess you're really good.
I perform lots of operations, you know.
- If you understand what I mean.
- Yeah, I usually understand.
Yes, yes.
Maybe I should also move to LA.
We're looking for new cardiologists
all the time. I mean you know.
I understand, but I'm not that smart.
My friend, you don't need to be smart.
If your hand is
- Quick.
- Bravo!
You need to have a quick hand,
if you know what I mean.
- I do know, yes, quick hand
- Pay attention.
This weekend, the largest cardiologists'
meeting ever in Beverly Hills.
All of them will gather there.
Do you understand?
I'm really sorry, Doctor. I understand
every word you say. I'm not stupid.
He's funny. "Doctor". I like you.
You'd make good money
if you come with your truck.
You can't find mici in LA.
- Not a single one.
- Nothing.
Quality paper.
Here you go. Thank you so much.
Thanks a lot. Good luck with your job.
- Thanks.
- Suck my dick.
Old story
Have a safe journey!
Have a safe journey,
and next time we'll talk more
Did he say "suck my dick"
or did I just imagine it?
He did.
Why was he so upset when I told him
that I loved him?
- Yes.
- Hi! How's everything going?
It's going fine. In my field, you'd have
to be stupid not to be doing well.
I also have a million opportunities.
I'm not leaving America
until I make a million dollars.
Maybe on the Moon.
I got an offer to move to LA.
To those liberals who skinned Trump?
I just need to borrow
1,000 dollars cash this week.
You know what it's like to withdraw money
from several banks.
Ask Juanita.
We broke up.
So you left home to be an adult,
and that bitch left you?
Don't call her a bitch! Eat my dick.
Eat my dick.
Okay?
Crazy Garlic, man!
I LOVE YOU, MAMA
I love you!
I love you!
- I love you!
- Yeah.
I love you.
Both of you.
Slowly.
I love you.
Crazy Garlic!
Yo!
Pici?
Bil!
What's with all that pawnshop
in your mouth?
It's a rapper thing, you'd never get it.
Let's go to LA, we move to LA.
You suddenly changed your mind.
No. Check this out. Look. See?
Three thousand dollar.
A salary bonus. For you. Your money.
Look here. We move to LA.
- We both start there. Let's move this.
- You're showing me 3,000 dollars?
I know what are you saying, that I have
an empire and you are poor,
but we, Romanians, have to help each other
when we're abroad,
you know what I'm saying?
- How are you, Grandma?
- I'm waiting for the guys.
- Are you going to the game?
- No, we're doing a TikTok.
Did you get into TikTok at your age?
What shall I do, loan? I'm a Romanian.
I'll do anything to elude work.
Listen, I wanted to tell you
I'm moving to Los Angeles.
Be careful, the further you are from home
the more troubles you have.
Pici, we've argued before,
we've said bad words to each other,
but I feel this is the beginning
of a new chapter.
What a civilization! Other circumstances
Fuck
The truck!
The damned Americans robbed me!
Americans? Those were emigrants.
- If Trump was still in power
- Cut it out with your stupid Trump.
You are the stupid one. Trump is
the best president we have ever had!
"We" You don't even have the right
to vote, Pici.
Naturally. Minorities shouldn't be allowed
to vote in our country.
In our country?
Until you were 23 years old,
you pooped in the yard in Buzu.
At least I had a yard.
Dude, do you realize how this man
changed the world?
How he came back all naked
and saved us all.
Too bad he was melted down for scrap.
Listen. Maybe one day I will also have
my name on a street in Buzu.
Ilie Piciu.
And at the entrance to be written
Welcome to Buzu!
Ilie Piciu.
And maybe even your name, written
in fine print, "friends with lon Bil".
If I were in GTA San Andreas, in one
of these yards there was a BMX bike.
I've told you a thousand times.
That is a game, not a documentary.
How can you lead your life after a game?
Let's go. It's illegal to jump the fence.
Well, why not teach the fool a lesson?
- Now we have to steal it.
- You know how it is.
They steal their bicycle today,
tomorrow their children.
Come!
Isn't your Miami business going down
if you hang around here?
On the contrary.
I have two investors
who take care of everything for me.
It's going smooth. I have an empire.
What are you doing?
Small crates.
There's a Romanian around here.
Easy, you nuts!
- Hi!
- Hey!
Pici, this one is your type.
Look at her behind. Buttocks!
Butt! Ass!
Would you spank it?
Come on, spank it. Go on!
It's okay. I kept hearing what men
would do to me. In many languages.
- What are you doing here?
- Well
I moved here with my employee lon Bil
to open a restaurant.
- With my employee Bil.
- Good for you! Bravo!
How much money do you make a month,
if you don't mind?
Tell me exactly.
I work for Studio 20,
if you heard about it.
We don't listen much to Moga, Smiley.
We listen more to thrumming music.
What? No.
Studio 20 is a video chat studio.
We have studios everywhere,
in London, in LA. I handle the one in LA.
Come in.
Man, you make a lot of money a month
if you can afford this house and that car.
I bought the car
with a three month salary.
But what do you have to do for that money?
It's not what you think.
You have to know how to speak, and
especially you have to know how to listen.
I mean, yes, I'm sexy and I know it.
Thank you.
But I offer people understanding,
a kind of psychological counseling.
There's no shame in making money
while helping people feel better, right?
She's so cool and she's loaded,
but she's uses so many words.
- Maybe because she's not stupid?
- I knew she wasn't my type.
Where are you guys supposed to go?
- Beverly Hills.
- I can't take you there, sorry.
I have a marketing meeting in 20 minutes.
But I can lend you my vintage car.
A marketing meeting, yeah, right.
Is this your vintage car?
It's worth more than a Cadillac.
It's worth even more than a Ferrari.
There are only two of them in the country.
One is in New York,
the other one is here, in front of you.
I'll lend it to you, 'cause Romanians
must help each other abroad, right?
Once poor, always poor.
Sorry?
- Thank you so much.
- God bless you for it.
Don't go more than 100 km/h.
Maybe downhill.
LA, baby!
What kind of doctors are these?
Heart doctors.
When I took my grandma to Bucharest,
because she had heart palpitations,
I bribed the nurse
with 150 lei to see her.
How much do you think
there's in an envelope here?
Minimum 500.
I hope he's at home, at least.
Let me ask this guy with an Aquaman face.
What the hell is that?
Are you going for surgery?
Maybe there are microbes.
Take that off, you're embarrassing me.
Those times are long gone.
Well done, dude! You're here! I'm glad!
- You brought your employee with you.
- I'm not an employee, I'm an associate.
- Ilie Piciu.
- Tampon. Nice to meet you.
Hey guys! Everybody!
Tonight we have mici!
All the way from Miami!
I don't like this guy.
- And I don't like these people.
- Why not?
Aren't they like all your drug addicts
and whores in Miami?
There's something I don't like about them.
You're jealous that I finally enjoy
the friendship of some cultured people.
- Foie gras and caviar?
- Of course.
Dude! Aren't you vegan?
Of course I am. Vegan, but not stupid.
Guys, come meet
my famous fellow cardiologists.
Mr. Toad.
- Axe, you've already met.
- Hello.
- You also met Tudorel.
- Yes, in Miami.
And the most important one,
the famous Hammer.
Tudorel, nice to meet you.
Guys, I want you to show me the mici.
It's just the truck is no more.
What do you mean?
Since we entered LA,
it was stolen in three seconds.
Welcome to LA!
What can I say? To hell with the truck!
Guys, you have to understand
that LA is mean to newcomers.
It's like Bucharest compared
to a shitty provincial town. Tell me!
- Buzu.
- Exactly. Do you understand?
- Fuck the truck. God help us!
- Cheers, guys!
This can't get any worse.
Cheers, cheers.
I was sitting on the edge of the pool
and I was thinking,
rather than going hello, going back
wouldn't it be better for you to stay here
in LA and work for me and Susan?
He's coming, but he walks slowly
due to varicose veins.
So cool! Do you have an American wife?
This one's so funny!
A moment. Sir
Come with me.
What happened?
- Come, come
- What are you doing? Are you nuts?
Dude, these guys are "cardiologists".
I finally found some people who respect me
and see the real potential in me,
and you want to ruin everything.
No, dude. They are cardiologists with
- What the fuck? Are you a bunny or what?
- Dude, they're cloning cards, moron.
Got it? Card-iologists.
They steal credit card information.
Look at their peg faces. Do you think
they can read better than me?
My heart is aching. I don't wanna start
with those things over again, please.
- Should one of them listen to my heart?
- Man!
I'll do it myself.
Yo, let's get us outta here.
Let's go.
That's the medical kit.
You open it up, take a card,
draw 50 dollars from it, in small bills,
tip the dancer,
then use another card and so on.
Simple.
Here's some money, to get settled.
Ten thousand your cut,
and ten thousand Bil's.
I'll take Bil's cut
'cause he's not good with money and such.
Kisses!
Get to work!
Guys, don't get drunk
and don't draw attention to yourselves.
Come on, man, we are discreet.
Hooters!
What did Tampon say about the money?
No He's not gonna give us money,
but he's gonna pay us in NFTs.
- In what?
- NFTs.
Haven't you heard of Bitcoin, Ethereum?
It's the money of the future.
- It's just I need it now.
- In crypto, dude.
- Money is best kept in crypto.
- And where's my NFT?
How can I give it to you?
There's nothing palpable, understand?
It's digital art.
- Show it to me then.
- I'm showing you a dick.
Wash, krtskalcs.
She's not what you think.
Again.
I finally found someone who likes me for
Motherfucker, every time you see me
doing well, you interfere.
Leave me the hell alone.
- She's a trans, idiot.
- So what? I respect all religions.
Dude, this girl is a transsexual.
One more, please
Bil!
Are you ready for your first NFT?
Take your phone.
It's a Shar Pei.
It's planet Mars with vegetation?
Oh, no, it's a platypus,
the one that eats ants?
What is it?
It's art, dumbass.
It's what the viewer wants it to be.
It's
That is why it is so valuable.
God help us!
Let the money come!
Hear that? NFT? Who'd ever believe
they're making money with NFT?
Pici, there's something strange.
They're throwing the money,
but I don't hear manele.
But I can hear it.
You are so beautiful!
Hold on. Again, from the beginning.
Let's go. Hurry up!
What are you doing?
You crushed my vibe, you fuck!
Yes, I miss you too. Listen.
I'll make some money soon
and I was thinking
maybe you can make yourself a card
so I can send you money to pay the fine.
I don't give a shit about cards!
I don't trust cards.
Cards are thieves' dream.
I can't talk to you right now, I'm busy.
What are you guys doing there?
Wait, balls!
You liked the blonde one, eh?
Not as much as you liked the brunette.
- So what are you going to do?
- Nothing.
I'm not a good fit with women
who have a bigger dick than I.
What are you gonna do
with the blonde, you idiot?
- With Kelly? Nothing.
- You seemed in love with her.
It's hard.
It's obvious that we're a good match,
because we're both smart
but
I wouldn't want my girl to undress
for all the creepy men.
All your girlfriends were like that, Pici.
Both of them, yes.
The boys are here.
Hey! Hi!
He's looking so fine.
What are you doing, guys?
We took a swim in the sea yesterday
and now
Really?
Did you get drunk and make a ruckus?
No, that's how I dance.
- And you take money from the floor.
- He does that.
Do you?
You schmuck, in America, money is sacred.
If you pick up a dollar from the floor,
it's considered theft.
Theft.
And what's more, you spit on women!
Do you spit on women?
Lucky for you,
that club is part of the Eastern Block,
and Mr. Susan apologized on your behalf.
Mr. Susan. The big boss.
The shark. El Chupacabra.
- Yes, the boss
- Yes, the boss.
LA is big. It's big.
Think of it like ten times Brila town.
And, so that you can control it,
we have divided it into some areas,
so that we can understand it better.
The gas stations. We gave them
to the Albanians. Get it?
The clubs. We gave them to the Armenians.
And now, we, the Romanians,
took the important tourist spots.
Get it? 'Cause it's there
where the money comes in.
Mr. Susan helped us by gathering all of us
in the Eastern Block
to protect us against the big sharks,
The Bloods, The Crips Understand?
Bloods, Crisps Yep.
Check this out.
This is the overlay.
The overlay
- What's an overlay?
- This is how data is stolen.
If in seven days I don't make
real "cardiologists" out of you,
you may spit on me right here.
Stay quiet, damn it!
Go to work.
- I'm gonna send you some palinc.
- I told you I don't drink anymore.
A sip of palinc never killed anyone.
Except your father,
but that's another story.
- Here's some plincu for the Americans.
- Thank you.
Don't forget to put some palinc
in the trunk for the boss.
He likes it.
How the hell do you explain this
to your friends?
What a dope she is!
How is my NFT doing?
It's either hard or flask,
it's hurting me when I pee
What?
Leave me alone, I'm texting.
Take a look for a sec.
Tell me how it's working.
Has it increased or decreased?
Is it okay? Take a look for a sec.
Come on, I'm gonna buy you
Idiot! Aren't you ashamed?
Didn't I tell you it cost me a lot?
- Do you want some nachos?
- Eat them all.
- It stinks in here!
- Hello! How are you?
Nadia Comneci?
Hello.
I'm so glad to see Romanians!
What are you doing here?
We're on business.
Business? Are you working somewhere?
We do, we work with cables
and steel, and such
Pulling steel cables?
You don't look too good.
Do you sleep on the street?
Are you homeless?
We are not homeless. We sleep in the car
and at some friends.
You know what? I'd like to help
you with some money.
You know how it is
- If it happens
- It happens.
No, don't use the card, Mrs. Nadia!
There's a problem with the ATM! Don't!
- Why would the ATM have a problem?
- Maybe they'll steal your data.
America is a civilized country, right?
There are all kinds of bastards,
villains, swindlers, Romanians
- There are other Romanians.
- The Romanians must help one another.
No. It's best you send us to hell.
- Oh, poor guys!
- We're not so poor.
Poor, but proud.
Be blessed.
- God bless you.
- Thank you.
Lots of health!
Oh, my! We stole from Nadia Comneci.
We'll burn in hell.
We stole from Nadia Comneci
and we'll burn in hell, Pici.
He seems upset. Maybe the skimmer
didn't work yesterday at Nadia's.
Congratulations!
Two boys tricked me.
She had a long career. Surely
she still has money in other accounts.
I had all the money in this account.
I have nothing left.
She won trophies, medals She pawns them.
Medals, trophies
I recently donated them to charity.
That's it, I have nothing left.
Everything was stolen.
- She can go to the Star Farm anytime.
- A thousand per cent, we'll rot in hell.
Good job, boys! Long live the boys!
- Help yourselves!
- Let's enjoy ourselves!
Come on.
Come over here. Sit down.
- Sit. Make sit.
- Here you go.
What are they doing?
You know, my grandma had the same thing.
She was always angry
saying, "Drop dead, Barcelona!".
Tell me quickly,
because I have a lot of orders.
- How are you doing?
- I'm expanding.
I realized that if I send with Tazz,
I can easy cover the whole city.
Because them riders aren't allowed
to search the bags, you know?
GRANDMA MEATBALLS
- Are the meatballs sealed well?
- Of course they are.
What did you do when your varicose veins
hurt and you couldn't go to the stadium?
Do you have varicose veins problems
at your age?
It's not me, a colleague of mine
is suffering a lot.
- Cabbage.
- Yeah, cabbage He's like a cabbage.
No, dumbass, real cabbage.
Beat those cabbage leaves well
Who goes to Berceni?
Beat those cabbage leaves well with salt
and make a poultice,
and you put that on for three-four hours.
My darlings, wait till tonight.
Lady Grandma.
Who's that creepy guy?
No, what's with you? It's my boss.
- The big boss.
- Hi!
Really? Okay. Tell him to blow me.
Damn Romanians! When they get the chance,
they stab you in the back.
Maybe we should send them on vacation,
I say.
Yes, Miami is a cool destination
these days. At Nikki B are hot chicks.
- What?
- Miami.
Not on vacation, dude.
On vacation six feet under.
Bil, come here!
- I found your truck.
- I can't believe it.
It's at some friends of mine
who say they got it second hand.
You go and pick it up.
- May God give them health.
- Wait. They have a baptism. You know?
- You should change your clothes
- With what?
I'll give you something to wear,
so you can show a little respect.
God forbid,
I wouldn't want to insult them.
No! Be sure to tell them
you come on my behalf.
And are they just gonna give it to me?
And are they just gonna give it to you?
Yes. But those people are religious,
so I should wear this robe.
His name is Cornel.
What a nerdy motherfucker's name!
- What are your plans?
- I have a romantic date with Kelly.
- And what are those?
- Pills for fucking.
And it's okay you eat them like candies?
Only suckers read the safety information.
Red and blue always go together,
'cause it's from God.
And cops give the whole neighborhood
a blowjob.
Yo!
Don't die!
You know you don't have insurance.
No, they're throwing firecrackers here.
Are you driving?
The real money is made
while driving an 18-wheeler!
What the hell is this, a Pepsi ad?
Come here. Let's go.
- I'm with my homies. What do you want?
- It's bad with this Tampon of yours.
My Tampon. Wasn't he our Tampon?
Isn't he sending you all my money?
- Didn't I give you that NFT?
- Oh yeah, my NFT.
That's what I was saying. Let's go.
I'll give you some culture, you idiots.
I found them!
Here they are.
Come, guys!
- Is it okay?
- Yes.
Here I am at Ganesha, on Primverii.
So beautiful! Stylish place!
And now a shisha
with a Bitcoin flavor. Fuck me!
Oops! You post it there,
I'm coming right back!
Mister! Let Mrs. Grandma kiss you!
Such a handsome and well-dressed man
you are!
- Hello, dear lady.
- Mrs. Grandma.
- Hi!
- Hi!
Got ya, sucker!
Ilie, I'll hold him and you kick his ass!
Cup final in 1990,
you scores two goals against us,
but let us pay you back with interest!
Costi, bring those hot coals!
Mrs. Grandma, wait a second.
Calm down, please.
Did you betray us too?
Are you on the Red Dogs side?
I can't believe it!
- Mrs. Grandma, we are colleagues.
- We are more than brothers.
We united, we make a team like in '94.
Okay, fine. I liked you when you played
with those devils
AC Milan, grandma. AC Milan.
- Signora Grandma.
- Okay, Signora Grandma.
Mister, come si dice here.
- I said it well.
- Correct.
Do the math, you idiot!
Turn right here!
- What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm signaling, dumbass. What?
You haven't signaled in Buzu
for 15 years, and you do it now?
Come on! Fucking hell!
- Go!
- I'll cut you off!
- Make sure
- Take a right here!
Go!
Come on, you idiot!
- Where are we going?
- Inside this depo I know nothing about.
Come on!
Stop!
Piciu, why are we being followed
by these women from Miami?
Maybe because of your mici!
You got someone sick!
- What?
- Your account has been suspended.
- My account?
- Yes.
What? Let me see.
And the money?
Piciu, did you cheat someone in Miami?
No! I'm a fair businessman. I sell drugs,
I steal cards, but I don't cheat!
- I can't talk right now.
- Let me tell you.
- They suspended my TikTok account.
- What do you mean? And the money?
And the money as well!
- I have to go.
- Don't hung up! Bil!
It's because your fucking TikTok!
You told them where we are!
I love you. Bye.
The car isn't going faster!
Help! I don't wanna die!
This fucking car!
Smoke!
Smoke!
That woman told you not to drive fast!
You're not gonna catch us!
You're not gonna catch us!
I can die twice, yes?
If Tampon doesn't kill me,
the Russians will.
Are you cheating the Russians?
Are you nuts?
Weren't you the first to cheat on me?
Me cheating on you?
Yes, you.
Didn't we say we're going to LA,
to the doctors?
But you were doing fine in Miami
with your truck.
Aren't you ashamed?
Maybe I did cheat someone,
but you told me we would go to LA,
that you'd invest in BDSM
Yes, I did.
That's the problem in Romania.
You can't cheat someone because
someone like you comes to cheat on you!
You want me to cut you?
Or you want me to scratch your face
with this plastic knife?
Do it!
We're not acting like children
Do you realize that there are people
who have lost their whole lives
walking through this world?
We can see here New York, and Paris,
and Bellagio.
- Some people are stupid!
- Okay!
Perfect.
Paper cups, ball, everything, yes?
Go and bark!
Bite him like a crazy chihuahua.
Come on, get him! Get him!
I hope you'll die frozen first,
so I can eat you for months on end.
Piciu, if I die frozen before you,
and you decide to eat me up,
you start first with my balls!
With these balls!
Dude, your balls aren't enough
for a single bite.
Yeah? Come here,
so I can start eating you now.
Come here so I can take a bite out of you!
Come here, did you hear?
- Fuck you! Come here.
- You fucking walrus.
Your fat mother is a walrus!
Yo, check it out. They're coming.
If they come, we jump over them
when they open the door,
headbutt them in the mouth, and then run.
Come on, run!
Dude, I ran away from manual labor
all my life
and this one wants me to die
doing hard labor work?
I should have listened to my grandma.
We came to America and we'll die poor.
This time it's all your fault.
Welcome to your vacation in the desert,
my dears.
Yes, you crazy ones, an eternal vacation.
Eternal remembrance!
Fuck you, you traitor!
I am a traitor? You fucking little prick
I brought here and helped you,
and you cheated on me?
Fuck you, dirty Romanians!
Are you paranoid? That's exactly
the Romanians' problem who are abroad.
- They undermine each other.
- Well said! So dig each other's grave!
Yo, yo, yo! I'm not digging for this cow.
- He said to do it, let's do it.
- Yo!
You've loved shawarma all your life.
Now you dig a big grave.
I'm gonna dig a small grave just for me.
Piciu, do you want me to beat you in front
of everybody? I'm tired of your insults!
Look what I do on your grave.
Are you peeing on my grave?
I'm trying, but stop looking!
Turn your back.
Stop looking because I can't do it.
Are you peeing on my grave?
What are these tramps doing here?
What the fuck?
Take a look.
Let me see!
Yeah, it's a small cock.
Piciu, take off your pants.
- You first.
- What?
Never!
Piciu, did you double cross me?
Technically, I cheated on your cheat
for my cheat.
Piciu
I feel my whole life
flashing before my eyes.
Me too.
You know, we've been living the same life.
Yes, but I've fucked more!
Bil!
Bil!
Bil!
Not my little Bil!
Why did you take him from me, God?
Bil!
Bil!
Take me, God!
Come on, I thought you were dead.
You shed a tear, sucker?
I shed a tear my ass.
Look at that guy crawling!
You motherfucker snake! Fuck you!
Yo! You shot me in the ass!
What the fuck is this smell?
A sip of palinc never killed anyone.
Shoot palinca!
Say it!
Tell her you love her.
I'll cross him off the list.