Mike and Fred vs The Dead (2022) Movie Script
1
(tense music)
(broom scratching)
(tense music continues)
(broom scratching)
(tense music continues)
(broom scratching)
(tools rattling)
(suspenseful music)
- Hello?
Hello?
(suspenseful music continues)
(zombie gurgling)
(zombie growling)
Fuck!
Jesus Christ!
(zombie gurgling)
(tense music)
(victim screaming)
(zombie growling)
(ominous music)
(tense TV music)
(phone buzzing)
- What is that sound?
- I-
- Is that me?
- That's your phone.
- Where's my phone?
Did I, oh, okay.
- Shit.
It's my phone.
Shit.
(phone ringing)
It's my mom.
Hey, mom.
- Where are you?
- In the bathroom.
- You are so full of shit.
Shut up.
I need you to get
your grandfather now.
- Why?
- Because I fucking said so!
- Dad can't get him?
- If I wanted dickless
to go get him,
I would've called him!
Off your ass and
pick him up now.
- Fuck man.
She's always ruining
my high, man.
(tense TV music)
We gotta go.
I'm in a hurry.
I, I can't have her bitching
at me anymore than she is, man.
- But, you know
what, where is my,
I do have something
else down here.
I got a little
nuggy or something.
Gotta hit like a Dewey
decimal system for my weed.
One of those little-
- [Mike] I, I can't pick
him up straight, man.
- Hey, come here.
I got something.
(whimsical music)
I swear, man, I
have here some good.
Pack of chit, Brussels sprouts.
- Brussels sprouts?
- Not just any
Brussels sprouts, man.
I get these from my guy who
experiments on all my shit.
- Oh.
- Yeah, dude.
- Have you tried it yet?
- No, but it's a
beautiful Saturday.
We gotta pick up your grandpa.
First time for anything, right?
- Yes.
- Let's do it.
These get you so high though.
You feel like you're
gonna die, man.
- Uh, die?
- Mm-hm.
Not really, but it gets you
high really, really fast,
and it amplifies your
hunger by like 10,000.
- Nothing wrong with that, man.
- I know, right?
- I love my Taco Bell.
- Get some more, man, all right.
- What's with the
keys and balloon, man?
- Don't worry about the balloon.
It's for my sister's birthday.
My keys in there,
haven't lost them once.
All right?
- All right, let's go.
Let's go pick him up.
- All right, let's do this.
- Hurry up, man.
- Hang on, I'm locking
the door, okay?
Gotta get the sweet spot.
- We gotta go, man.
My mom's gonna kill me.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- All right.
Hurry up.
- Chill, bro.
We're here at the car.
We're good.
- [Fred] It's in there, man.
- Never got anything
in here, man.
- [Fred] Why don't you
look under the raccoon?
- What's this?
- Told you, man.
That's good shit.
- Yeah, man, yeah!
Right on.
- Light it up.
- Yeah, man.
- And Mr. Raccoon's gonna be
on this trip to help us out.
Isn't that right, Mr. Raccoon?
- You wanna hit
this Mr. Raccoon?
- "Hell yeah, motherfucker!"
"Give me that shit."
- Here you go.
(Fred coughing)
- "That is balls right there!"
You sit there, Mr. Raccoon.
You're our navigator.
All right, baby,
that is almost out.
Pass that shit before.
- I feel much better, man.
- Good, man.
We got this, we got this.
We'll get it back.
- Let's get grandpa.
- We're gonna get grandpa!
- Ha ha!
- We gonna get gramps!
Oh my goodness, it is not, it
is not gonna take its time.
I think it's gonna hit now, man.
(Mike coughing)
- Yeah, man.
- Yeah, you know.
- Oh, that hit the spot.
- Okay.
You're gonna drive?
- Yeah, man.
- You're gonna drive, all right.
(car horn honking)
You drive.
(lively rock music)
Am I just really high
or do I live in front
of a fucking cemetery?
(intense music)
We're taking you prisoner
- All right, man.
Let's go get grandpa.
- Is this the fuckin' place?
- [Mike] Yeah, this
is the place, man.
- This really it?
Okay.
- Don't you see the old
geezers walking around?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Let's go get him.
- Let's go take a look.
(water splashing)
- This is it.
I'm sure of it, man.
I'm telling you.
(phone buzzing)
Hey mom.
- Where the fuck are you?
- I'm here.
I'm right outside, calm down.
- Show me.
He's not fucking
there anymore, okay?
He's at 7th and Jet.
- Shit.
- Yeah, I told him that
you're headed there now, okay?
I'll send you the
God damn address.
Can you stop fucking smoking
for one God damn day?
(phone beeping)
Cock sucker.
(tense music)
- Think there's any
GILF's in here, man?
- What, man?
- GILF's, man.
Find an old lady with some cash.
Fuck the shit out of her
and you're fucking set.
- Hello?
- I'm right here, you idiot.
- Damn, man.
Well, I, I'm here to
pick up my grandpa.
(both chattering)
(seagulls cawing)
- All right, man.
Well, can you just go
get 'em from me then, or?
- I'm on my lunch break.
- What room number is in, man?
- Fuck, man.
Uh, you gotta sign in.
- You gonna watch
do it, man, or?
- You even know
what you're doing?
Uh, you forgot the time.
- Damn, man.
Fuck, man, this guy.
They better pick
it up for me, man.
Signed in, man.
- Have a good day.
- Fuck you.
- Oh, by the way, he's
having one of those days,
so enjoy your time.
- Great.
- Hey, no smoking
in here, you guys.
- What was that?
- [Manager] You heard
me, fucking assholes.
- Uh, it's his.
- Thanks.
- Fucking mall cop, man.
(tense music)
(sirens wailing)
(haunting music)
- [Gwen] I still
don't understand
why you go to
these places alone.
- You always get like this.
- [Gwen] What?
- Every time I'm getting
ready to leave for a shoot,
you always say this.
- Newsflash, you don't get
paid enough for what you do.
- And if I didn't do this,
I'd end up living in my car,
which at this point, I'm
not that far away from.
- So first, you wanted
to be a carpenter,
and that lasted about what?
A month, and you turned your
living room into a tool shed.
(wind swooshing)
(wind swooshing)
- [Madison] I can't hear you!
- "I can't hear you."
Come on, girl.
Now you wanna be an
aspiring photographer?
Jesus, just pick something.
Why don't you just live with me?
- No thank you.
- Hey, did you hear what I said?
- What?
- Move in with me.
- We tried that once.
- Yeah, it wasn't that bad.
- Right.
- Okay, then why don't you
just move in with your brother?
- Fred?
Hell no, he's a freaking
slob in a major pothead.
- What, what are you,
what are you doing?
It's 10.
- And?
- In the morning.
- Eh.
(phone ringing)
Ah, speak of the devil.
- What?
- It's Fred, idiot
boyfriend, Mike.
- [Gwen] Guy's such
a fucking loser.
- And done.
Listen, I'm gonna be okay.
- Are you five now?
- Promise.
You know, for someone who
cares about me so much,
why don't you just come with me?
- Okay, and see a bunch
of 90 pound bitches
pretend to be supermodels?
No thanks.
- You sure?
- [Gwen] Positive.
- Okay, I'll see you later.
Heads up, Fred and Mike
might stop by later, so.
Good luck with that.
Also, don't make a mess.
Love you.
- I don't think I can do
much more damage in here.
(calming music)
- Hello?
- Hey.
I missed you.
- What is going on with you?
This isn't the first time I've
left for a shoot by myself.
- I know, that's why this
time you're taking this.
- What the hell, man?
I'm not taking that.
- Yes you are.
And if you don't,
I'll stab you myself.
(zombie gurgling)
- What has gotten into you?
- Ah, don't worry about it.
I'm just gonna
leave it right here.
You won't even remember
that it's there
'cause of how busy you'll be.
(zombie gurgling)
- Are you crazy?
- Drive safe.
- What the hell, man?
(tense music)
(engine starting)
(tense music continues)
(calming music)
(tense music)
(calming music)
(box banging)
(calming music continues)
(tools rattling)
- Oh.
(calming music continues)
(Madison sighs)
- God damn it.
(calming music continues)
(suspenseful music)
- Okay, I forgot my phone.
(suspenseful music continues)
Gwen?
(suspenseful music continues)
Gwen?
(suspenseful music continues)
If you're trying to scare
me, it's not gonna work.
(flesh squelching)
(suspenseful music)
(ominous music)
What the fuck?!
(zombie growling)
(intense music)
Fucking duct tape!
(chainsaw whirring)
(Madison screaming)
(intense music)
God damn it!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
(chainsaw whirring)
(Madison laughing)
(chainsaw whirring)
(intense music)
(intense music)
(Madison panting)
Fucking gross.
(tense music)
- They need some elevator
music in here, man.
Whoa, what are you doing?
- This is what I'm doing, pal,
and you're gonna join me.
We'll be quick.
Bet we're the first people to
do this shit in the elevator.
- It's legal now.
- No, I am not.
(manager chattering)
(calming music)
- That guy was a
fucking turd, man.
- What an asshole he was.
"Sign here, man."
"Oh, and then you gotta put
the time too," you know, like.
- He didn't say bless
you when I sneezed.
- Did you sneeze?
- Yes.
- I didn't say bless you.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I just had to deal with these
two fucking idiots earlier
that came in.
Yeah.
No, just degenerative
pothead fucking idiots.
- You're okay.
I forgive you for that.
- I do usually.
- Yes.
- Every sneeze, too.
- Yes, yes, you give me weed.
- If you sneeze
three times in a row,
I say it every time.
- The day that
guy gives me weed,
then he can skip
out on bless you's.
- Okay.
(door rattling)
(Julie knocking on door)
- Hello?
- What about Rambo, you know?
Like he's,
he's always been in
the jungle, every life.
- Fuck, man.
- I'm like Rambo.
- You're right.
- Oh, man.
(Fred mumbling)
- Rambo, man.
- Yeah, man.
Wait, who's Ram, is
that Schwarzenegger?
- Sly.
The Italian stallion.
- What?
Dig wat man.
- Okay I don't.
- What?
It's right, right?
- I think.
I, I'm not, I'm not hip.
(Julie knocking on door)
- Hello?
(calming music)
- Hey, take that.
We need to get my grandpa now.
Come on, man.
Let's get up.
What the fuck are
we doling, man?
(Mike knocking on door)
- The longer you keep knocking,
the longer you're gonna
have to wait, Sarah.
- Ha ha, I'm not Sarah, grandpa.
I'm Mike.
- No, you're the load that
should been swallowed.
(tense music)
(zombies gurgling)
(tense music continues)
(zombies gurgling)
(tense music continues)
- I think something's
going on down there.
- Come on, grandpa.
We gotta get outta here.
- Dropped my bag.
- Come on, bro.
Let's get outta you.
- I'm not a fucking dog, okay?
- Something
terrible's happening.
- Julie Webb.
I'm trying to pick up
my grandma, Ruby Hayes.
Yeah, I, I tried the front
door, but it was locked.
Yeah, I tried knocking, but
no one came to the door.
Okay, I'll go back to the front.
Thanks.
- Sarah, I'm not a
fucking mail built!
I knew this was gonna happen!
- All right, grandpa.
- He's really rude.
(tense music)
- Yeah, this is Frank speaking.
Who?
No, I'm on my lunch break.
I can help her when
I get back inside.
I said I am eating
right now, George.
I'll help her when
I get back inside.
Look-
Fucking prick.
(tense music)
(elevator door banging)
(ominous music)
- Help me, bro!
- Oh, this is bad.
(intense music)
- I knew this was gonna happen.
- Go get it, ah!
(intense music)
(zombie growling)
What the fuck is,
what is going on?
Oh, bro!
Oh man. (panting)
- They're real, old boy.
- That was, that was not real.
- As real as you and me.
Real as the weed I'm
smoking right now.
- That was real, that was real.
Grandpa, you okay?
- Hell is a factor
and the walls are coming
down in front of our faces!
- No grandpa, no!
No, we can't go out there!
You saw them!
- Let me go stare,
you fucking bitch
I'm ready to fight these cunts.
- Oh, grandpa!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
(tense music)
(elevator banging)
- Are you there?
- If you guys don't leave,
I'm calling the cops.
- Hey!
Come on, man.
- I don't hear anything.
(Mike pounding on elevator)
- Are you there?
(can rattling)
- Hello?
(tense music)
- What's going on
out there, man?
- I don't know.
Ask him nicely.
Maybe you're being
too aggressive.
- Hello?
Hey, call the fucking cops, man.
(tense music)
Okay.
What's, what's up, brother?
You okay, man?
(tense music)
(flesh squelching)
Hey, hey, you okay, buddy?
(ominous music)
(zombie growling)
- That, that doesn't
sound good at all.
(flesh squelching)
(intense music)
Fuck!
The fuck.
(flesh squelching)
(intense music)
- Fuck!
(phone buzzing)
- Who is it?
- Who do you think it is?
- Where the fuck are you?
- Listen, mom,
mom, listen to me.
Something happened.
Something fucked up
is going on here, mom.
- You're fucking
smoking that shit
and it's turning your God
damn brain into jello.
- I'm not high, mom,
I swear to Christ.
The old people,
they're, they're sick.
They're, I don't know.
I don't know what's happening.
- You know, I asked you
to do one fucking thing
and you couldn't
even handle that.
- Something,
something's fucked up.
The old people, they're-
- You know what?
I'm driving there now.
- No, no, no, no, no.
You don't, don't
come down here, mom!
- You're a fucking idiot!
- [Radio Reporter] Wow, wow.
Roads are blocked off
all throughout the coast.
The president just said
we are not allowed outside
in the streets at all
until further notice.
What the hell is going on?
(tense music)
(phone ringing)
- [Dispatcher] 911,
what is your emergency?
- My name is Madison Walker.
I just killed a zombie
with a chainsaw.
- [Dispatcher] Ma'am, this
line is for emergencies only.
- This is a fucking emergency.
My best friend is dead.
- You killed your friend, ma'am?
- I didn't say that.
A zombie killed my best friend.
- [Dispatcher] Ma'am,
I am going to hang up.
- Are you fucking serious?
I need your help.
I've just killed something.
- [Dispatcher] Ma'am, if
you remain on this line,
we will be sending an
officer to your location.
- 3127 Cedar Drive, you
stupid fucking cunt.
- [Dispatcher] We just
logged your number
and we have your address
and we're sending that
to an officer nearby.
- Fuck you.
(tense music)
- [Answering Machine]
Leave a fucking message.
- Fred, something
terrible is happening.
I need you to call me back, now.
(ominous music)
(zombie gurgling)
- Oh, for sake, Gwen.
(Madison grunting)
(tense music)
Get some.
(record scratching)
Right.
(zombie gurgling)
(tense music)
(zombie gurgling)
(chainsaw whirring)
(energetic music)
- Good morning, Harmburg County.
I'm Rebecca Carpenter,
and here's the latest
on the situation
devastating our community.
According to reports,
people have been
attacked by individuals
infected with some form of
rash and skin discoloration
on their faces and bodies.
Those infected appear to be
attacking anyone within sight.
Police Chief Sarah Booth
urges citizens to comply
with his stay-at-home order.
Until further notice,
streets are to remain closed.
Anyone found outside
of their homes
during this mandatory
stay-at-home order
will be subject to arrest.
This has been signed into
effect by Mayor Robert Miles
and will be in effect
until further notice.
More than 50 people are
confirmed dead this morning
following an outbreak at a
senior assisted living facility.
The virus swept quickly
through the facility
infecting seniors who have
been reacting violently.
Multiple staff members
are among the dead.
We still do not know an origin,
nor do we know why this virus
appears to be
attacking the elderly.
We'll be back in the second
we receive more information
on this tragedy
sweeping the nation.
(ominous music)
(zombie gurgling)
(ominous music continues)
- They're scared.
(zombie gurgling)
- [Mike Voiceover] I
really need to tell Fred
that I fucked his sister, man.
- Your weed makes
us the new gods
of the post-apocalyptic world
because of our
enlightened heads.
- [Mike Voiceover] I
really need to piss, man.
(zombie gurgling)
- What we have to do
as enlightened beings
is figure out how
to stop these things
and being the special
features fanatic that I am,
I know the number one
way to stop these things
is just shoot 'em in the
head or stab 'em in the head.
- [Mike Voiceover] How
come I can't talk loud?
(zombie gurgling)
(tense music)
- Hello?
I'm here to pick up my grandma.
(zombie gurgling)
(Julie gasps)
- Fuck yeah, man.
Let's do this.
(tense music)
(box rattling)
(tense music continues)
(helicopter rumbling)
(heart beating)
(zombie gurgling)
- [Victim] Ah, help me!
(heart beating)
- Anyway, um, let me know what
time I should come tonight.
I've been trying to get hold
of you and Chad the whole day.
None of you pick up the phone,
so just let me know what
time I should come, okay?
(zombie gurgling)
(heart beating)
(helicopter humming)
(heart beating)
(phone ringing)
Hey, girl.
No, I, I just called Fred
and left him a message.
I, I can't hear you.
I'll call you back
when I get home, okay?
(heart beating)
(zombie growling)
What the fuck is that?
(zombie growling)
Nice makeup, bro.
Didn't know it was
Halloween in July.
Oh, you fuckin'!
(intense music)
(flesh squelching)
- [Radio Reporter] This
is truly devastating
how we're being lied to
again and not told the truth.
People don't just randomly
attack one another
for no apparent reason.
There's something
else happening here.
If you have any information at
all, please call information.
I will be here all day and
all night with you guys.
Anyone who's out there
listening, I'm here with you.
(sirens wailing)
(determined music)
- I have a sword.
(determined music continues)
Ooh.
(determined music continues)
Call mom's cell phone.
(phone ringing)
(phone beeping)
- [Automated
Message] We're sorry,
you have reached a number
that has been disconnected
or is no longer in service.
- Fuck!
Locate dip shit's cell phone.
- [Automation] Locating
dip shit's cell phone.
Location detected at
7th Avenue and J Street.
Please be advised,
some streets may be blocked off
due to an emergency
virus outbreak.
Use caution when
proceeding to destination.
(phone ringing)
- [Automation] You have an
incoming call from Julie.
- What, Julie?
- Someone ate Rick!
- I don't have time
for this, Julie.
Nobody liked Rick anyways.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
Help me!
- I have bigger fish to fry.
I have to go save Fred's ass.
Do you mind?
- What?
- [Madison] Gotta
go, Julie, bye.
- Fucking cunt!
Okay.
Think, think, think.
Uh, okay.
I'm gonna call the cops.
I'm gonna call the fucking cops.
(phone beeping)
- We're sorry-
- What?
- You have reached a number
that has been disconnected
or is no longer in service.
- Okay.
No, we're gonna call
them back, fuckers.
(phone beeping)
- We're sorry.
- Fuck!
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, God, go!
(phone ringing)
- [Receptionist] Thanks
for calling Joe's Big Tow.
- I need help, please!
- [Receptionist] Do
you need a tow, ma'am?
- No, there's someone
outside eating my boyfriend.
- [Receptionist] Excuse me?
- I need help, please!
- [Receptionist] You
need to call 911, ma'am.
- No, I, all the
lines are blocked.
This is the only call
that went through.
- [Receptionist] If your car
ain't broken down, ma'am,
then we can't go out
there and get ya.
That's our policy.
- Yes.
Okay, fine.
My car is broken down.
- [Receptionist] Your
car is broken down now?
- Yes!
Will you send somebody?
- [Receptionist] Well, hot
feathers on a duck's, ma'am.
Yeah, we got Hank.
He just got out
from lunch right-
- Hello?
Motherfucker!
(ominous music)
(tense music)
Hey, hey, hi.
Uh, sir.
Sir, sir.
No.
(car beeping)
Sir, no, no.
What are you doing?!
No, stop it.
(car beeping)
Stop it.
Fuck.
Okay, this is bad.
Stop, nope, stop.
(tense music)
(car beeping)
Hey, hey, sir.
Stop it.
Stop!
(car beeping)
Ah, why are you, ah!
No, I, uh.
No, no, no, no, no!
(car beeping)
Sir, no, no, no, no.
(car beeping)
Stop unlocking the fucking
door, you little cocksucker!
(car beeping)
Okay, calm down.
Everybody calm down.
(phone ringing)
(car beeping)
(car alarm blaring)
(zombie growling)
Fuck you, Maddie!
(Julie screaming)
(car alarm blaring)
(energetic music)
- The president has announced
a nationwide lockdown.
Anyone found outside
of their homes
will face arrest and jail time.
The National Guard has
been deployed to the border
to prevent any entry
into the country,
hoping to protect anyone who
could potentially be infected
by this deadly enemy.
We'll be back with
more information
as this story develops,
here, live on GR News.
(ominous music)
- It's a fortress, man.
- I don't see any zombies.
- It's our kingdom.
- Whoa.
Man, there's a door here, man.
But it doesn't take you to,
doesn't take you to anything.
(whimsical music)
- Um.
Yeah.
Seen it all.
Yeah, they can't
even see us in here.
(whimsical music)
- Whoa, man.
This is a trip.
It's like this door
goes somewhere,
but it doesn't go anywhere.
(radio buzzing)
(alert blaring)
It's like we're in a
different dimension, man.
It's like that one
space movie, man.
(alarm blaring)
- Mike, Mike!
- Message.
- Mike!
- [Automated
Message] This warning
is for the following area.
states located on
the West Coast-
- Oh man.
- Of the United States
and surrounding areas.
(Mike muttering)
A viral outbreak has occurred.
It is highly
contagious and lethal.
Please stay in your
homes and do not panic.
If you come into contact
with a sick individual,
please call the Centers for
Disease Control immediately
and quarantine.
Individuals who
present symptoms.
Symptoms include but are
not limited to seizures,
convulsing, cold
skin, sweating, anger,
violent outbursts,
extreme hunger,
and bleeding from the
eyes, nose, mouth and ears.
This is not a test.
(alarm blaring)
(tense music)
- This network is a joke.
Yeah, they pay the
bills, but they suck.
I'm outside right now and
I don't see jack shit.
I'm telling you right now, Todd,
if you can't find
me a new network,
I'm walking from them and
I'm finding a new agent.
That's what you get paid for.
I want to be in the mix.
The open was last month.
I should have been there.
Exactly.
(tense music)
I just want to be on
the better network.
I deserve it.
Thanks.
I'll call you back.
(tense music)
(engine sputtering)
(engine sputtering)
Fuck you!
(tense music)
(horn blowing)
Could you have someone
come help me jump my car?
It's dead.
(elevator whirring)
Thanks.
(phone buzzing)
Hey, I'm still at the office.
I'm having car trouble.
I'll call you back later.
I don't have time
for this, Eric.
I'll call you back later.
(tense music)
Fucking pussy.
(tense music)
(alarm blaring)
(tense music)
(zombie gurgling)
(victim gasping)
(zombie gurgling)
(radio static buzzing)
(zombies pounding on door)
(zombies growling)
- We need weapons, man.
(intense music)
Oh, fuck.
First blood, motherfucker!
- Are there arrows in there?
- Nope.
Who the fuck has a
bow without arrows?
God, fucking dick heads!
- These, man.
- [Fred] You're not gonna
cut their hair, man.
Look around!
- Saw, man.
- You're, no, you're not Xena.
Come on, dude.
No, put it away.
What about that?
- Fuck.
Yeah, this, man.
- Yes.
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- They don't want any more, man.
- Fuck Rambo.
Sober motherfucker.
(intense music)
- Yo, what the
fuck is that, man?
(zombie gurgling)
I can't do this, man.
- Hey, uh, skin dick.
Get over here.
(zombie growling)
God, this was not
such a good fucking-
- Fuck is that?
Oh my...
(door rattling)
(Fred grunting)
Oh, shit, oh!
(zombie gurgling)
- Guess who's an alcoholic.
- Fuck!
- A little help here!
Little help here!
(Mike screaming)
(intense music)
- [Mike] Oh shit.
(zombie gurgling)
He's still alive, man.
I've never killed
anybody before, man.
I can't do it.
- Don't worry about it.
I learned this from
Edward Norton, mother!
(flesh squelching)
That's what you
get for pushing me!
- Oh fuck.
(friends panting)
- You gotta be heartless, man.
You gotta be heartless
to do the right thing.
- Fuck, man.
(zombie laughing)
- Oh.
- Oh shit, they're
closing in on us, man.
(zombie laughing)
They're everywhere, man!
Oh fuck!
We gotta get the
outta here, man.
We can't fight them all.
(zombie gurgling)
Oh, we gotta go!
Let's go!
(tense music)
(plastic shuffling)
Dang it!
(tense music)
Fred?
(zombie moaning)
(phone beeping)
- [Automated
Message] We're sorry-
- Fucking kidding me?
- [Automated Message]
That has been disconnected
or is no longer in-
- Oh, Fred.
(phone ringing)
Pick up, Fred.
(zombie gurgling)
(phone ringing)
Pick up, Fred.
- [Answering Machine]
This is Fred.
Leave a fucking message.
(zombie growling)
- Oh!
(zombie sniffing)
(zombie growling)
- I smell your flesh.
- What the fuck?
How can you talk, man?
- Of course I can,
you fucking idiot.
- How's that even
impossible, man?
- It's in the script.
- Oh, right.
Oh!
Just let me go, please.
I'll give you all,
all of my Dogecoin.
- You fucking idiot!
- Oh shit!
(tense music)
(zombie growling)
(kick thudding)
- You fucking prick!
You kicked me?
Why would you kick me?
I'm a woman.
The fuck?
Hanging out.
Does this look
fucking normal to you?
- Fred, stupid cock sucker!
Where the fuck are you, man?
Oh shit!
- How am I supposed to eat now?
(zombie grunting)
(Mike muttering)
- What the fuck is that, man?
(tense music)
- Where's the fucking elevator?
- Why you asking me, man?
I don't know where
the elevator is.
- You literally said,
I'm totally gonna
remember where this is
in case we have to come
back to this later.
- Ah, it's on the way out!
We can find the elevator, man.
- Why didn't you
split that last joint?
- I don't know, it
helps me think, man.
- Supposed to go
to the head one.
- No, I didn't, man.
- I have ruined my
brain with that,
especially when
I'm fucking high.
You said you were
gonna remember!
- All right, man.
- I distinctly forgot it
because you said you were
going to remember it.
- I'm thinking, I'm
thinking, I'm thinking, man.
All right, so we
went down the hallway
and the zombie chasing
me down that way.
Or we went down the hallway to
the left and we made a right.
When I came back out,
that zombie was chasing me
so it is right...
- We made a left, so this
time we go right, right?
Left or right?
Make the decision.
- Got it, man.
I got it, man.
I know where it is.
I know where to go.
Follow me.
- No other option,
so I guess I have to.
This feels right.
- I found it, man.
- This is not the elevator.
- What, man?
- This is an ice cooler from
a fucking convenience store.
(Mike sneezes)
How did this even get in here?
Sure, make some more noise.
(Mike sneezes)
Make some more noise
so they can find us.
Zombie, over here!
By the icebox!
- All right, man,
you made your point.
You're being loud enough.
- Fuck.
You really have a
drug problem, man.
- Man, you're right.
- This could cost
us our lives, okay?
- I need an intervention,
I think, man.
- Jesus fucking Christ.
(tense music)
(zombie laughing)
(zombie yelling)
- Mike, Mike!
What are you doing?
Don't just stand there!
(Fred screaming)
Take your time, man!
- [Mike Voiceover] I can't move.
(hammer thudding)
(zombie laughing)
(tense music)
- [Fred] Come on, man, this way.
(tense music)
- Oh fuck!
What the fuck is that, man?
- Fucking hell.
- What the fuck is going on?
They're zombies, man.
- Fucking zombies.
- We're never getting
outta here, man.
- We're fucked, dude.
It's inevitable.
(zombie growling)
- What the fuck is that, man?
(zombie growling)
You okay, grandpa?
- There's only one
thing left to do.
- He's not moving, man.
He's just like, he's
a statue zombie.
- We haven't much time.
- Maybe he wants to
smoke some of that, man?
You want some with his, grandpa?
Grandpa, there you go.
- [Fred] Trippy, man.
- [Mike] Smoking
with grandpa zombie.
He likes it, man.
I think we found the cure, man.
Grandpa.
It's our first session
together, grandpa,
- [Fred] A little mind
opening can convert anybody.
He's done.
- Oh, he finished
the whole thing, man.
- He's done.
- Trippy.
- No more.
There's no more weed.
Okay, well, that's
the last of it.
- That's, that's the last of it?
We don't have any more, man.
He looks like he
wants more, man.
What are we gonna do?
- No, man.
- Come on, we gotta get outta.
Wait, wait, I think,
I think I got some sprout.
Brussels sprouts, man.
- Brussels sprout.
- We got some more weed, man.
It's just in
Brussels sprout form.
- Good stuff.
(zombie growling)
- Oh fuck, man.
- That's right, it
amplifies your hunger.
It also amplifies your
hunger by like 10,000.
(zombie laughing)
(ominous music)
(determined music)
(sirens wailing)
(determined music continues)
(zombies growling)
(blade scraping)
- Fuck it!
(intense rock music)
We're taking no prisoners
We're taking family
Put that wrench
in his head now
Put that zone in my leg
Come up with a song with
the sound of the killing
Soon we'll be gone
and who will be living
Better sing along because
it's time to rally with
Mike and Fred
Who gets the dead
Mike and Fred
Who gets the dead
They're all closing in now
I'm closing my eye
Wading in as they take me
I can take them alive
Make up a song to the
beat of the beating
It's all going wrong
they say sequel of living
Smashing their skulls
three fingers were willing
But you're sprung in the
air and repeat after me
Mike and Fred
Who gets the dead
Mike and Fred
Who gets the dead
Mike and Fred
Who gets the dead
Mike and Fred
Who gets the dead
Mike and Fred
Who gets the dead
Mike and Fred
Who gets the dead
(smooth ominous music)
(tense music)
(broom scratching)
(tense music continues)
(broom scratching)
(tense music continues)
(broom scratching)
(tools rattling)
(suspenseful music)
- Hello?
Hello?
(suspenseful music continues)
(zombie gurgling)
(zombie growling)
Fuck!
Jesus Christ!
(zombie gurgling)
(tense music)
(victim screaming)
(zombie growling)
(ominous music)
(tense TV music)
(phone buzzing)
- What is that sound?
- I-
- Is that me?
- That's your phone.
- Where's my phone?
Did I, oh, okay.
- Shit.
It's my phone.
Shit.
(phone ringing)
It's my mom.
Hey, mom.
- Where are you?
- In the bathroom.
- You are so full of shit.
Shut up.
I need you to get
your grandfather now.
- Why?
- Because I fucking said so!
- Dad can't get him?
- If I wanted dickless
to go get him,
I would've called him!
Off your ass and
pick him up now.
- Fuck man.
She's always ruining
my high, man.
(tense TV music)
We gotta go.
I'm in a hurry.
I, I can't have her bitching
at me anymore than she is, man.
- But, you know
what, where is my,
I do have something
else down here.
I got a little
nuggy or something.
Gotta hit like a Dewey
decimal system for my weed.
One of those little-
- [Mike] I, I can't pick
him up straight, man.
- Hey, come here.
I got something.
(whimsical music)
I swear, man, I
have here some good.
Pack of chit, Brussels sprouts.
- Brussels sprouts?
- Not just any
Brussels sprouts, man.
I get these from my guy who
experiments on all my shit.
- Oh.
- Yeah, dude.
- Have you tried it yet?
- No, but it's a
beautiful Saturday.
We gotta pick up your grandpa.
First time for anything, right?
- Yes.
- Let's do it.
These get you so high though.
You feel like you're
gonna die, man.
- Uh, die?
- Mm-hm.
Not really, but it gets you
high really, really fast,
and it amplifies your
hunger by like 10,000.
- Nothing wrong with that, man.
- I know, right?
- I love my Taco Bell.
- Get some more, man, all right.
- What's with the
keys and balloon, man?
- Don't worry about the balloon.
It's for my sister's birthday.
My keys in there,
haven't lost them once.
All right?
- All right, let's go.
Let's go pick him up.
- All right, let's do this.
- Hurry up, man.
- Hang on, I'm locking
the door, okay?
Gotta get the sweet spot.
- We gotta go, man.
My mom's gonna kill me.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- All right.
Hurry up.
- Chill, bro.
We're here at the car.
We're good.
- [Fred] It's in there, man.
- Never got anything
in here, man.
- [Fred] Why don't you
look under the raccoon?
- What's this?
- Told you, man.
That's good shit.
- Yeah, man, yeah!
Right on.
- Light it up.
- Yeah, man.
- And Mr. Raccoon's gonna be
on this trip to help us out.
Isn't that right, Mr. Raccoon?
- You wanna hit
this Mr. Raccoon?
- "Hell yeah, motherfucker!"
"Give me that shit."
- Here you go.
(Fred coughing)
- "That is balls right there!"
You sit there, Mr. Raccoon.
You're our navigator.
All right, baby,
that is almost out.
Pass that shit before.
- I feel much better, man.
- Good, man.
We got this, we got this.
We'll get it back.
- Let's get grandpa.
- We're gonna get grandpa!
- Ha ha!
- We gonna get gramps!
Oh my goodness, it is not, it
is not gonna take its time.
I think it's gonna hit now, man.
(Mike coughing)
- Yeah, man.
- Yeah, you know.
- Oh, that hit the spot.
- Okay.
You're gonna drive?
- Yeah, man.
- You're gonna drive, all right.
(car horn honking)
You drive.
(lively rock music)
Am I just really high
or do I live in front
of a fucking cemetery?
(intense music)
We're taking you prisoner
- All right, man.
Let's go get grandpa.
- Is this the fuckin' place?
- [Mike] Yeah, this
is the place, man.
- This really it?
Okay.
- Don't you see the old
geezers walking around?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Let's go get him.
- Let's go take a look.
(water splashing)
- This is it.
I'm sure of it, man.
I'm telling you.
(phone buzzing)
Hey mom.
- Where the fuck are you?
- I'm here.
I'm right outside, calm down.
- Show me.
He's not fucking
there anymore, okay?
He's at 7th and Jet.
- Shit.
- Yeah, I told him that
you're headed there now, okay?
I'll send you the
God damn address.
Can you stop fucking smoking
for one God damn day?
(phone beeping)
Cock sucker.
(tense music)
- Think there's any
GILF's in here, man?
- What, man?
- GILF's, man.
Find an old lady with some cash.
Fuck the shit out of her
and you're fucking set.
- Hello?
- I'm right here, you idiot.
- Damn, man.
Well, I, I'm here to
pick up my grandpa.
(both chattering)
(seagulls cawing)
- All right, man.
Well, can you just go
get 'em from me then, or?
- I'm on my lunch break.
- What room number is in, man?
- Fuck, man.
Uh, you gotta sign in.
- You gonna watch
do it, man, or?
- You even know
what you're doing?
Uh, you forgot the time.
- Damn, man.
Fuck, man, this guy.
They better pick
it up for me, man.
Signed in, man.
- Have a good day.
- Fuck you.
- Oh, by the way, he's
having one of those days,
so enjoy your time.
- Great.
- Hey, no smoking
in here, you guys.
- What was that?
- [Manager] You heard
me, fucking assholes.
- Uh, it's his.
- Thanks.
- Fucking mall cop, man.
(tense music)
(sirens wailing)
(haunting music)
- [Gwen] I still
don't understand
why you go to
these places alone.
- You always get like this.
- [Gwen] What?
- Every time I'm getting
ready to leave for a shoot,
you always say this.
- Newsflash, you don't get
paid enough for what you do.
- And if I didn't do this,
I'd end up living in my car,
which at this point, I'm
not that far away from.
- So first, you wanted
to be a carpenter,
and that lasted about what?
A month, and you turned your
living room into a tool shed.
(wind swooshing)
(wind swooshing)
- [Madison] I can't hear you!
- "I can't hear you."
Come on, girl.
Now you wanna be an
aspiring photographer?
Jesus, just pick something.
Why don't you just live with me?
- No thank you.
- Hey, did you hear what I said?
- What?
- Move in with me.
- We tried that once.
- Yeah, it wasn't that bad.
- Right.
- Okay, then why don't you
just move in with your brother?
- Fred?
Hell no, he's a freaking
slob in a major pothead.
- What, what are you,
what are you doing?
It's 10.
- And?
- In the morning.
- Eh.
(phone ringing)
Ah, speak of the devil.
- What?
- It's Fred, idiot
boyfriend, Mike.
- [Gwen] Guy's such
a fucking loser.
- And done.
Listen, I'm gonna be okay.
- Are you five now?
- Promise.
You know, for someone who
cares about me so much,
why don't you just come with me?
- Okay, and see a bunch
of 90 pound bitches
pretend to be supermodels?
No thanks.
- You sure?
- [Gwen] Positive.
- Okay, I'll see you later.
Heads up, Fred and Mike
might stop by later, so.
Good luck with that.
Also, don't make a mess.
Love you.
- I don't think I can do
much more damage in here.
(calming music)
- Hello?
- Hey.
I missed you.
- What is going on with you?
This isn't the first time I've
left for a shoot by myself.
- I know, that's why this
time you're taking this.
- What the hell, man?
I'm not taking that.
- Yes you are.
And if you don't,
I'll stab you myself.
(zombie gurgling)
- What has gotten into you?
- Ah, don't worry about it.
I'm just gonna
leave it right here.
You won't even remember
that it's there
'cause of how busy you'll be.
(zombie gurgling)
- Are you crazy?
- Drive safe.
- What the hell, man?
(tense music)
(engine starting)
(tense music continues)
(calming music)
(tense music)
(calming music)
(box banging)
(calming music continues)
(tools rattling)
- Oh.
(calming music continues)
(Madison sighs)
- God damn it.
(calming music continues)
(suspenseful music)
- Okay, I forgot my phone.
(suspenseful music continues)
Gwen?
(suspenseful music continues)
Gwen?
(suspenseful music continues)
If you're trying to scare
me, it's not gonna work.
(flesh squelching)
(suspenseful music)
(ominous music)
What the fuck?!
(zombie growling)
(intense music)
Fucking duct tape!
(chainsaw whirring)
(Madison screaming)
(intense music)
God damn it!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
(chainsaw whirring)
(Madison laughing)
(chainsaw whirring)
(intense music)
(intense music)
(Madison panting)
Fucking gross.
(tense music)
- They need some elevator
music in here, man.
Whoa, what are you doing?
- This is what I'm doing, pal,
and you're gonna join me.
We'll be quick.
Bet we're the first people to
do this shit in the elevator.
- It's legal now.
- No, I am not.
(manager chattering)
(calming music)
- That guy was a
fucking turd, man.
- What an asshole he was.
"Sign here, man."
"Oh, and then you gotta put
the time too," you know, like.
- He didn't say bless
you when I sneezed.
- Did you sneeze?
- Yes.
- I didn't say bless you.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I just had to deal with these
two fucking idiots earlier
that came in.
Yeah.
No, just degenerative
pothead fucking idiots.
- You're okay.
I forgive you for that.
- I do usually.
- Yes.
- Every sneeze, too.
- Yes, yes, you give me weed.
- If you sneeze
three times in a row,
I say it every time.
- The day that
guy gives me weed,
then he can skip
out on bless you's.
- Okay.
(door rattling)
(Julie knocking on door)
- Hello?
- What about Rambo, you know?
Like he's,
he's always been in
the jungle, every life.
- Fuck, man.
- I'm like Rambo.
- You're right.
- Oh, man.
(Fred mumbling)
- Rambo, man.
- Yeah, man.
Wait, who's Ram, is
that Schwarzenegger?
- Sly.
The Italian stallion.
- What?
Dig wat man.
- Okay I don't.
- What?
It's right, right?
- I think.
I, I'm not, I'm not hip.
(Julie knocking on door)
- Hello?
(calming music)
- Hey, take that.
We need to get my grandpa now.
Come on, man.
Let's get up.
What the fuck are
we doling, man?
(Mike knocking on door)
- The longer you keep knocking,
the longer you're gonna
have to wait, Sarah.
- Ha ha, I'm not Sarah, grandpa.
I'm Mike.
- No, you're the load that
should been swallowed.
(tense music)
(zombies gurgling)
(tense music continues)
(zombies gurgling)
(tense music continues)
- I think something's
going on down there.
- Come on, grandpa.
We gotta get outta here.
- Dropped my bag.
- Come on, bro.
Let's get outta you.
- I'm not a fucking dog, okay?
- Something
terrible's happening.
- Julie Webb.
I'm trying to pick up
my grandma, Ruby Hayes.
Yeah, I, I tried the front
door, but it was locked.
Yeah, I tried knocking, but
no one came to the door.
Okay, I'll go back to the front.
Thanks.
- Sarah, I'm not a
fucking mail built!
I knew this was gonna happen!
- All right, grandpa.
- He's really rude.
(tense music)
- Yeah, this is Frank speaking.
Who?
No, I'm on my lunch break.
I can help her when
I get back inside.
I said I am eating
right now, George.
I'll help her when
I get back inside.
Look-
Fucking prick.
(tense music)
(elevator door banging)
(ominous music)
- Help me, bro!
- Oh, this is bad.
(intense music)
- I knew this was gonna happen.
- Go get it, ah!
(intense music)
(zombie growling)
What the fuck is,
what is going on?
Oh, bro!
Oh man. (panting)
- They're real, old boy.
- That was, that was not real.
- As real as you and me.
Real as the weed I'm
smoking right now.
- That was real, that was real.
Grandpa, you okay?
- Hell is a factor
and the walls are coming
down in front of our faces!
- No grandpa, no!
No, we can't go out there!
You saw them!
- Let me go stare,
you fucking bitch
I'm ready to fight these cunts.
- Oh, grandpa!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
(tense music)
(elevator banging)
- Are you there?
- If you guys don't leave,
I'm calling the cops.
- Hey!
Come on, man.
- I don't hear anything.
(Mike pounding on elevator)
- Are you there?
(can rattling)
- Hello?
(tense music)
- What's going on
out there, man?
- I don't know.
Ask him nicely.
Maybe you're being
too aggressive.
- Hello?
Hey, call the fucking cops, man.
(tense music)
Okay.
What's, what's up, brother?
You okay, man?
(tense music)
(flesh squelching)
Hey, hey, you okay, buddy?
(ominous music)
(zombie growling)
- That, that doesn't
sound good at all.
(flesh squelching)
(intense music)
Fuck!
The fuck.
(flesh squelching)
(intense music)
- Fuck!
(phone buzzing)
- Who is it?
- Who do you think it is?
- Where the fuck are you?
- Listen, mom,
mom, listen to me.
Something happened.
Something fucked up
is going on here, mom.
- You're fucking
smoking that shit
and it's turning your God
damn brain into jello.
- I'm not high, mom,
I swear to Christ.
The old people,
they're, they're sick.
They're, I don't know.
I don't know what's happening.
- You know, I asked you
to do one fucking thing
and you couldn't
even handle that.
- Something,
something's fucked up.
The old people, they're-
- You know what?
I'm driving there now.
- No, no, no, no, no.
You don't, don't
come down here, mom!
- You're a fucking idiot!
- [Radio Reporter] Wow, wow.
Roads are blocked off
all throughout the coast.
The president just said
we are not allowed outside
in the streets at all
until further notice.
What the hell is going on?
(tense music)
(phone ringing)
- [Dispatcher] 911,
what is your emergency?
- My name is Madison Walker.
I just killed a zombie
with a chainsaw.
- [Dispatcher] Ma'am, this
line is for emergencies only.
- This is a fucking emergency.
My best friend is dead.
- You killed your friend, ma'am?
- I didn't say that.
A zombie killed my best friend.
- [Dispatcher] Ma'am,
I am going to hang up.
- Are you fucking serious?
I need your help.
I've just killed something.
- [Dispatcher] Ma'am, if
you remain on this line,
we will be sending an
officer to your location.
- 3127 Cedar Drive, you
stupid fucking cunt.
- [Dispatcher] We just
logged your number
and we have your address
and we're sending that
to an officer nearby.
- Fuck you.
(tense music)
- [Answering Machine]
Leave a fucking message.
- Fred, something
terrible is happening.
I need you to call me back, now.
(ominous music)
(zombie gurgling)
- Oh, for sake, Gwen.
(Madison grunting)
(tense music)
Get some.
(record scratching)
Right.
(zombie gurgling)
(tense music)
(zombie gurgling)
(chainsaw whirring)
(energetic music)
- Good morning, Harmburg County.
I'm Rebecca Carpenter,
and here's the latest
on the situation
devastating our community.
According to reports,
people have been
attacked by individuals
infected with some form of
rash and skin discoloration
on their faces and bodies.
Those infected appear to be
attacking anyone within sight.
Police Chief Sarah Booth
urges citizens to comply
with his stay-at-home order.
Until further notice,
streets are to remain closed.
Anyone found outside
of their homes
during this mandatory
stay-at-home order
will be subject to arrest.
This has been signed into
effect by Mayor Robert Miles
and will be in effect
until further notice.
More than 50 people are
confirmed dead this morning
following an outbreak at a
senior assisted living facility.
The virus swept quickly
through the facility
infecting seniors who have
been reacting violently.
Multiple staff members
are among the dead.
We still do not know an origin,
nor do we know why this virus
appears to be
attacking the elderly.
We'll be back in the second
we receive more information
on this tragedy
sweeping the nation.
(ominous music)
(zombie gurgling)
(ominous music continues)
- They're scared.
(zombie gurgling)
- [Mike Voiceover] I
really need to tell Fred
that I fucked his sister, man.
- Your weed makes
us the new gods
of the post-apocalyptic world
because of our
enlightened heads.
- [Mike Voiceover] I
really need to piss, man.
(zombie gurgling)
- What we have to do
as enlightened beings
is figure out how
to stop these things
and being the special
features fanatic that I am,
I know the number one
way to stop these things
is just shoot 'em in the
head or stab 'em in the head.
- [Mike Voiceover] How
come I can't talk loud?
(zombie gurgling)
(tense music)
- Hello?
I'm here to pick up my grandma.
(zombie gurgling)
(Julie gasps)
- Fuck yeah, man.
Let's do this.
(tense music)
(box rattling)
(tense music continues)
(helicopter rumbling)
(heart beating)
(zombie gurgling)
- [Victim] Ah, help me!
(heart beating)
- Anyway, um, let me know what
time I should come tonight.
I've been trying to get hold
of you and Chad the whole day.
None of you pick up the phone,
so just let me know what
time I should come, okay?
(zombie gurgling)
(heart beating)
(helicopter humming)
(heart beating)
(phone ringing)
Hey, girl.
No, I, I just called Fred
and left him a message.
I, I can't hear you.
I'll call you back
when I get home, okay?
(heart beating)
(zombie growling)
What the fuck is that?
(zombie growling)
Nice makeup, bro.
Didn't know it was
Halloween in July.
Oh, you fuckin'!
(intense music)
(flesh squelching)
- [Radio Reporter] This
is truly devastating
how we're being lied to
again and not told the truth.
People don't just randomly
attack one another
for no apparent reason.
There's something
else happening here.
If you have any information at
all, please call information.
I will be here all day and
all night with you guys.
Anyone who's out there
listening, I'm here with you.
(sirens wailing)
(determined music)
- I have a sword.
(determined music continues)
Ooh.
(determined music continues)
Call mom's cell phone.
(phone ringing)
(phone beeping)
- [Automated
Message] We're sorry,
you have reached a number
that has been disconnected
or is no longer in service.
- Fuck!
Locate dip shit's cell phone.
- [Automation] Locating
dip shit's cell phone.
Location detected at
7th Avenue and J Street.
Please be advised,
some streets may be blocked off
due to an emergency
virus outbreak.
Use caution when
proceeding to destination.
(phone ringing)
- [Automation] You have an
incoming call from Julie.
- What, Julie?
- Someone ate Rick!
- I don't have time
for this, Julie.
Nobody liked Rick anyways.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
Help me!
- I have bigger fish to fry.
I have to go save Fred's ass.
Do you mind?
- What?
- [Madison] Gotta
go, Julie, bye.
- Fucking cunt!
Okay.
Think, think, think.
Uh, okay.
I'm gonna call the cops.
I'm gonna call the fucking cops.
(phone beeping)
- We're sorry-
- What?
- You have reached a number
that has been disconnected
or is no longer in service.
- Okay.
No, we're gonna call
them back, fuckers.
(phone beeping)
- We're sorry.
- Fuck!
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, God, go!
(phone ringing)
- [Receptionist] Thanks
for calling Joe's Big Tow.
- I need help, please!
- [Receptionist] Do
you need a tow, ma'am?
- No, there's someone
outside eating my boyfriend.
- [Receptionist] Excuse me?
- I need help, please!
- [Receptionist] You
need to call 911, ma'am.
- No, I, all the
lines are blocked.
This is the only call
that went through.
- [Receptionist] If your car
ain't broken down, ma'am,
then we can't go out
there and get ya.
That's our policy.
- Yes.
Okay, fine.
My car is broken down.
- [Receptionist] Your
car is broken down now?
- Yes!
Will you send somebody?
- [Receptionist] Well, hot
feathers on a duck's, ma'am.
Yeah, we got Hank.
He just got out
from lunch right-
- Hello?
Motherfucker!
(ominous music)
(tense music)
Hey, hey, hi.
Uh, sir.
Sir, sir.
No.
(car beeping)
Sir, no, no.
What are you doing?!
No, stop it.
(car beeping)
Stop it.
Fuck.
Okay, this is bad.
Stop, nope, stop.
(tense music)
(car beeping)
Hey, hey, sir.
Stop it.
Stop!
(car beeping)
Ah, why are you, ah!
No, I, uh.
No, no, no, no, no!
(car beeping)
Sir, no, no, no, no.
(car beeping)
Stop unlocking the fucking
door, you little cocksucker!
(car beeping)
Okay, calm down.
Everybody calm down.
(phone ringing)
(car beeping)
(car alarm blaring)
(zombie growling)
Fuck you, Maddie!
(Julie screaming)
(car alarm blaring)
(energetic music)
- The president has announced
a nationwide lockdown.
Anyone found outside
of their homes
will face arrest and jail time.
The National Guard has
been deployed to the border
to prevent any entry
into the country,
hoping to protect anyone who
could potentially be infected
by this deadly enemy.
We'll be back with
more information
as this story develops,
here, live on GR News.
(ominous music)
- It's a fortress, man.
- I don't see any zombies.
- It's our kingdom.
- Whoa.
Man, there's a door here, man.
But it doesn't take you to,
doesn't take you to anything.
(whimsical music)
- Um.
Yeah.
Seen it all.
Yeah, they can't
even see us in here.
(whimsical music)
- Whoa, man.
This is a trip.
It's like this door
goes somewhere,
but it doesn't go anywhere.
(radio buzzing)
(alert blaring)
It's like we're in a
different dimension, man.
It's like that one
space movie, man.
(alarm blaring)
- Mike, Mike!
- Message.
- Mike!
- [Automated
Message] This warning
is for the following area.
states located on
the West Coast-
- Oh man.
- Of the United States
and surrounding areas.
(Mike muttering)
A viral outbreak has occurred.
It is highly
contagious and lethal.
Please stay in your
homes and do not panic.
If you come into contact
with a sick individual,
please call the Centers for
Disease Control immediately
and quarantine.
Individuals who
present symptoms.
Symptoms include but are
not limited to seizures,
convulsing, cold
skin, sweating, anger,
violent outbursts,
extreme hunger,
and bleeding from the
eyes, nose, mouth and ears.
This is not a test.
(alarm blaring)
(tense music)
- This network is a joke.
Yeah, they pay the
bills, but they suck.
I'm outside right now and
I don't see jack shit.
I'm telling you right now, Todd,
if you can't find
me a new network,
I'm walking from them and
I'm finding a new agent.
That's what you get paid for.
I want to be in the mix.
The open was last month.
I should have been there.
Exactly.
(tense music)
I just want to be on
the better network.
I deserve it.
Thanks.
I'll call you back.
(tense music)
(engine sputtering)
(engine sputtering)
Fuck you!
(tense music)
(horn blowing)
Could you have someone
come help me jump my car?
It's dead.
(elevator whirring)
Thanks.
(phone buzzing)
Hey, I'm still at the office.
I'm having car trouble.
I'll call you back later.
I don't have time
for this, Eric.
I'll call you back later.
(tense music)
Fucking pussy.
(tense music)
(alarm blaring)
(tense music)
(zombie gurgling)
(victim gasping)
(zombie gurgling)
(radio static buzzing)
(zombies pounding on door)
(zombies growling)
- We need weapons, man.
(intense music)
Oh, fuck.
First blood, motherfucker!
- Are there arrows in there?
- Nope.
Who the fuck has a
bow without arrows?
God, fucking dick heads!
- These, man.
- [Fred] You're not gonna
cut their hair, man.
Look around!
- Saw, man.
- You're, no, you're not Xena.
Come on, dude.
No, put it away.
What about that?
- Fuck.
Yeah, this, man.
- Yes.
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- They don't want any more, man.
- Fuck Rambo.
Sober motherfucker.
(intense music)
- Yo, what the
fuck is that, man?
(zombie gurgling)
I can't do this, man.
- Hey, uh, skin dick.
Get over here.
(zombie growling)
God, this was not
such a good fucking-
- Fuck is that?
Oh my...
(door rattling)
(Fred grunting)
Oh, shit, oh!
(zombie gurgling)
- Guess who's an alcoholic.
- Fuck!
- A little help here!
Little help here!
(Mike screaming)
(intense music)
- [Mike] Oh shit.
(zombie gurgling)
He's still alive, man.
I've never killed
anybody before, man.
I can't do it.
- Don't worry about it.
I learned this from
Edward Norton, mother!
(flesh squelching)
That's what you
get for pushing me!
- Oh fuck.
(friends panting)
- You gotta be heartless, man.
You gotta be heartless
to do the right thing.
- Fuck, man.
(zombie laughing)
- Oh.
- Oh shit, they're
closing in on us, man.
(zombie laughing)
They're everywhere, man!
Oh fuck!
We gotta get the
outta here, man.
We can't fight them all.
(zombie gurgling)
Oh, we gotta go!
Let's go!
(tense music)
(plastic shuffling)
Dang it!
(tense music)
Fred?
(zombie moaning)
(phone beeping)
- [Automated
Message] We're sorry-
- Fucking kidding me?
- [Automated Message]
That has been disconnected
or is no longer in-
- Oh, Fred.
(phone ringing)
Pick up, Fred.
(zombie gurgling)
(phone ringing)
Pick up, Fred.
- [Answering Machine]
This is Fred.
Leave a fucking message.
(zombie growling)
- Oh!
(zombie sniffing)
(zombie growling)
- I smell your flesh.
- What the fuck?
How can you talk, man?
- Of course I can,
you fucking idiot.
- How's that even
impossible, man?
- It's in the script.
- Oh, right.
Oh!
Just let me go, please.
I'll give you all,
all of my Dogecoin.
- You fucking idiot!
- Oh shit!
(tense music)
(zombie growling)
(kick thudding)
- You fucking prick!
You kicked me?
Why would you kick me?
I'm a woman.
The fuck?
Hanging out.
Does this look
fucking normal to you?
- Fred, stupid cock sucker!
Where the fuck are you, man?
Oh shit!
- How am I supposed to eat now?
(zombie grunting)
(Mike muttering)
- What the fuck is that, man?
(tense music)
- Where's the fucking elevator?
- Why you asking me, man?
I don't know where
the elevator is.
- You literally said,
I'm totally gonna
remember where this is
in case we have to come
back to this later.
- Ah, it's on the way out!
We can find the elevator, man.
- Why didn't you
split that last joint?
- I don't know, it
helps me think, man.
- Supposed to go
to the head one.
- No, I didn't, man.
- I have ruined my
brain with that,
especially when
I'm fucking high.
You said you were
gonna remember!
- All right, man.
- I distinctly forgot it
because you said you were
going to remember it.
- I'm thinking, I'm
thinking, I'm thinking, man.
All right, so we
went down the hallway
and the zombie chasing
me down that way.
Or we went down the hallway to
the left and we made a right.
When I came back out,
that zombie was chasing me
so it is right...
- We made a left, so this
time we go right, right?
Left or right?
Make the decision.
- Got it, man.
I got it, man.
I know where it is.
I know where to go.
Follow me.
- No other option,
so I guess I have to.
This feels right.
- I found it, man.
- This is not the elevator.
- What, man?
- This is an ice cooler from
a fucking convenience store.
(Mike sneezes)
How did this even get in here?
Sure, make some more noise.
(Mike sneezes)
Make some more noise
so they can find us.
Zombie, over here!
By the icebox!
- All right, man,
you made your point.
You're being loud enough.
- Fuck.
You really have a
drug problem, man.
- Man, you're right.
- This could cost
us our lives, okay?
- I need an intervention,
I think, man.
- Jesus fucking Christ.
(tense music)
(zombie laughing)
(zombie yelling)
- Mike, Mike!
What are you doing?
Don't just stand there!
(Fred screaming)
Take your time, man!
- [Mike Voiceover] I can't move.
(hammer thudding)
(zombie laughing)
(tense music)
- [Fred] Come on, man, this way.
(tense music)
- Oh fuck!
What the fuck is that, man?
- Fucking hell.
- What the fuck is going on?
They're zombies, man.
- Fucking zombies.
- We're never getting
outta here, man.
- We're fucked, dude.
It's inevitable.
(zombie growling)
- What the fuck is that, man?
(zombie growling)
You okay, grandpa?
- There's only one
thing left to do.
- He's not moving, man.
He's just like, he's
a statue zombie.
- We haven't much time.
- Maybe he wants to
smoke some of that, man?
You want some with his, grandpa?
Grandpa, there you go.
- [Fred] Trippy, man.
- [Mike] Smoking
with grandpa zombie.
He likes it, man.
I think we found the cure, man.
Grandpa.
It's our first session
together, grandpa,
- [Fred] A little mind
opening can convert anybody.
He's done.
- Oh, he finished
the whole thing, man.
- He's done.
- Trippy.
- No more.
There's no more weed.
Okay, well, that's
the last of it.
- That's, that's the last of it?
We don't have any more, man.
He looks like he
wants more, man.
What are we gonna do?
- No, man.
- Come on, we gotta get outta.
Wait, wait, I think,
I think I got some sprout.
Brussels sprouts, man.
- Brussels sprout.
- We got some more weed, man.
It's just in
Brussels sprout form.
- Good stuff.
(zombie growling)
- Oh fuck, man.
- That's right, it
amplifies your hunger.
It also amplifies your
hunger by like 10,000.
(zombie laughing)
(ominous music)
(determined music)
(sirens wailing)
(determined music continues)
(zombies growling)
(blade scraping)
- Fuck it!
(intense rock music)
We're taking no prisoners
We're taking family
Put that wrench
in his head now
Put that zone in my leg
Come up with a song with
the sound of the killing
Soon we'll be gone
and who will be living
Better sing along because
it's time to rally with
Mike and Fred
Who gets the dead
Mike and Fred
Who gets the dead
They're all closing in now
I'm closing my eye
Wading in as they take me
I can take them alive
Make up a song to the
beat of the beating
It's all going wrong
they say sequel of living
Smashing their skulls
three fingers were willing
But you're sprung in the
air and repeat after me
Mike and Fred
Who gets the dead
Mike and Fred
Who gets the dead
Mike and Fred
Who gets the dead
Mike and Fred
Who gets the dead
Mike and Fred
Who gets the dead
Mike and Fred
Who gets the dead
(smooth ominous music)