Mother (1996) Movie Script

1
This being your second divorce,
Mr. Henderson,
I'm sure you're familiar
with the procedure,
but your wife--
ex-wife, should know
it would be wise not to
leave the state for a few weeks
until it's finalized.
I'm not planning
to leave the state.
No, she just left me.
She had nothing
against the land.
I'll tell you something.
If you two could have
made all your decisions
with as much cooperation
as you made this one,
I think you probably would
have had a happy marriage.
Go figure.
So, uh... that's basically it.
I hate to bring up business,
but who do I bill?
Him.
What do you mean "him"?
I thought we were
going to split this.
You said you were paying
for the divorce.
I just said that
to get it started.
I thought we'd
wind up splitting it.
You offered. You said you
were going to pay for it.
See? This is why
it didn't work.
I don't know.
We were always good on the surface,
though, weren't we, honey?
Are we through?
Yes.
Thank you.
I'll talk to you.
She came with a lot
of nice furniture.
Hello?
I need a designated driver.
I don't know what I really feel.
I guess I'm not going to
feel it for days.
Maybe I shouldn't
even say anything.
I mean, you probably
don't want to hear this,
but I thought she was nice.
10 years ago,
that would have killed me,
but you're right.
She was nice.
She was a very nice woman
who'll make some
nice man very happy,
but I'm not that man.
Maybe you shouldn't
get married anymore.
I want kids.
Well, adopt.
I want to pass down my seed.
Masturbate in the garden.
Thanks for coming
and talking to me.
Why don't you go clown with him?
I'm listening.
Come on, I'm listening.
Can I have another
double here, please?
Listen, the thing is, you got
to know what you're looking for,
and you don't have a clue.
I guess I don't, do I?
I mean...
Whoa, hey, cowboy.
That's plenty.
Do you think that all the girls
you've ever gone out with,
including your wives,
do you think they're
all the same woman?
Well, the 2 wives were the same,
that's for sure.
I'd say out of
the 5 serious
relationships I've had,
3 were exactly the same,
one was different,
unlike anybody else,
one might have been a man.
Really?
Really?
If you were a woman
and you said that,
I'd never want to
talk to you again,
but I'm still going
to be your friend.
Why is that?
Did you see that movie?
What movie?
You know,
the one where a guy lives
with a Chinese woman for 20 years,
and it turns out to be a man?
M. Butterfly.
Yes.
Think something
like that's possible?
How can it be possible?
I mean, let's say she
fools the husband.
Doesn't she have to go
for an insurance physical?
Then doesn't the doctor
call the spouse?
"Hey, how's my wife doing?"
"She's in very good health,
especially her balls.
OK, well, if all
the women are the same,
what kind of woman is that?
Once you figure that out,
you go for the opposite.
Let's see, the one thing
they all had in common...
They didn't really
believe in me.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, Jesus, that's weird.
You like women who
don't believe in you?
Yeah, I guess I do.
God.
Woman doesn't support me,
I'm out of there.
Why do you think that is?
Do you like men
who don't believe in you?
No.
So what in God's name
would you like
a woman who doesn't
believe in you for?
I don't get it.
Are either of you
fellows married?
One of my sons
just got a divorce.
They just can't seem
to stay married anymore.
Heh heh heh.
All right, ma'am.
All hooked up and ready to go.
Well, gee, does that look
a little green to you?
I don't think so.
Gee, it looks
a little green to me.
No, ma'am. That's normal.
Does that look green to you?
Yes, thank you.
What's wrong with him?
He's mentally ill, ma'am.
Ohh...
Oh, look, see.
There's something wrong with this.
There is nothing wrong, ma'am.
My friend did not
understand you.
But it doesn't look right.
Turn it to another channel.
Oh, my God, that's too green.
That's the grass, ma'am.
That's supposed to be green.
Ooh, I think there's
something wrong.
I'm not going to sign for this.
In the store,
the picture was perfect,
The picture is fine, ma'am.
I tell you what.
You watch it.
The House of Discounts
guarantees it.
If you don't like it in a couple weeks,
I come and take it back.
Well, maybe I shouldn't
sign anything until then.
Ma'am, please, I cannot leave
this here unless you sign this.
This picture is perfect.
In the beginning,
when you turn it on,
green is the color
that comes up the most,
but then, in a few minutes,
it goes away.
But the television in the store
looked perfect.
That's because
the televisions in the stores
are turned on a long time
before you get there.
I don't think so.
I was there at 9:15,
right when they opened.
I know, ma'am,
but the televisions
are turned on in the middle
of the night automatically,
so the color is perfect
by the time people like you
get there at 9:15.
Really?
Yes.
Are you sure of that?
I am positive.
Hmm. All right.
I'll watch for a few days,
and I'll let you know.
Oh, boy. I'll be waiting
for that call, ma'am.
Thank you.
Don't bother seeing me out.
I will find the door.
Hmm.
Oh, um. Make sure you
shut the door, please.
Hello.
Mother?
Hello, Jeff.
Good guess.
Try the other one.
Oh, hello, dear.
I was just talking about you.
To who?
To these installers.
Installers?
Yes. We were just
talking about you.
What, about my book?
No, no, no, dear. I told them
you'd just gotten a divorce.
You what?
I told them you got a divorce.
They know me?
Of course not.
Well, why did you
tell them that?
I don't know.
We were talking about marriage,
and I asked them
if they were married,
and I mentioned you weren't.
Great. Why don't you give me
their home number, Mom,
and I'll call them later
and fill them in?
So, how are you?
Are you OK?
Oh, fine. And you?
I'm all right. I just called
to say hello. That's all.
Is everything out of the house?
Everything that was her's, yeah.
Honey, you should go
and get new furniture tomorrow.
I have stuff to do
before I get new furniture.
Don't worry.
I don't want you to sit in a big,
empty house. It's bad for you.
I'll take care of it.
And also, buy yourself
some new clothes.
Why?
Well, because
the last time I saw you,
I just thought
you could look better.
Look better than what?
Well, just look better.
You want to meet somebody.
Well, I don't want to
trick anybody into liking me.
What do you mean?
Why do you always think it
has to do with these things?
Don't you think I could meet somebody
wearing crappy shoes,
and they'd still like me?
Honey, wear whatever you want.
I just think if you
were wearing crappy shoes,
they'd say, "Why are you
wearing crappy shoes?"
That's what I think,
but you do what you want.
Maybe there's somebody out there
who wouldn't say that.
Whatever, dear.
You look for them.
Ooh. I have a call waiting.
Hello?
It's still me, Mother.
Hello.
Still me, Mother.
Hi?
Why do you even
pay for this feature?
Well, they hung up anyway.
So...
how's the book?
Well, a lot of people
think I should write a sequel.
To what?
The last book.
The space thing?
Yeah.
Hello?
Oh, yes, honey, I'm still here.
You don't think so, huh?
Well, honey, I'm not smart
like the people you know,
but that's what they advise you?
I mean, that's what they say?
Yes, many of them do.
Well, they know
a lot more than me.
I don't know.
But you didn't like the book,
right?
You don't think it
deserves a sequel?
Oh, no, honey,
I love the book,
but are you sure
you want to bring back
all those characters?
I'll talk to you later.
Honey, I love you.
I know you think you do.
Oh, I have another call
coming through.
Hello?
This happens all day,
doesn't it?
He wrote this?
Yeah.
How did you meet him?
In the market.
And he had his book with him?
He had it in the trunk.
Did you read it?
No, but it's a real book.
Is he rich?
I don't know.
He just got a divorce.
When?
2 weeks ago.
Gee, that's a little soon
to go out with somebody.
I'm just having dinner with him,
not having sex.
Does he know that?
Well, he will by dessert.
Who is it?
John Henderson.
Come on in.
How do I look?
Gorgeous.
Thanks.
Hi, John.
Hi. Wow, you look great.
OK.
Um, this is my roommate Donna.
Hi.
Hi.
So, you all ready?
Well, I'd have to be all ready.
I came here to get you.
What do you mean?
Nothing.
Oh. Go?
Sure.
See you later.
Bye.
How's the salad? Good?
Good. Yours?
Good.
Oh.
Have you always wanted
to be a writer?
Yes, I think I have.
Who are some of
your favorite authors?
Well, I like you.
You've read my books?
No, I mean, as a person.
Oh.
Did you, uh... read my book?
No, I couldn't.
I had a really busy week.
Did you read the flap?
Um... no, actually,
I didn't.
Why, what was on the flap?
Well, you know, they summarize
the book and tell about me.
Did you look at anything at all?
Um, I saw your picture
on the back.
I thought it was cute.
You read the picture, then.
So, then, besides me,
who are some of your
other favorite authors?
Um...
Gee, I didn't know
I'd be taking a test.
Oh, it's not a test.
I'm just making conversation.
Um, let me... let me see.
Oh, who wrote that book
about Hollywood?
Hollywood?
Like a coffee-table book?
No.
What book?
You know, the...
the one where they
took all those pills.
Julia Philips.
No, no.
I know it's not that one.
No.
Um... let's see...
Jacqueline.
Um... Jacqueline...
Jacqueline Susann?
Yes. I love her.
You don't mean...
Yes.
Valley of the Dolls.
That's it. That was it.
That's what you meant.
You know, that book was written,
like, 30 years ago.
So? What, you can't like somebody
who wrote a book a long time ago?
No, you're right.
Don't people like Charlie Chaplin?
You know, when did he write?
Charlie Chaplin wasn't a writer.
He was a comedian.
No, he wasn't.
He was a writer.
Tale of Two Cities, um...
Hey, I have an idea.
Let's get the check.
Help me!
Mmm, I'm thinking about branching out
and handling entertainers.
I wonder if that's
such a good idea.
Can't a sports agent
handle entertainers?
I mean, Mike Ovitz
used to handle athletes,
so why not?
Well, I guess you're right.
Have you finished your new book?
Actually, I haven't
even started it.
I've, uh... got a block.
What's a block?
Uh, it's when he can't write.
Oh, don't tell her that.
I can write, honey.
I just don't know what I'm
going to write about.
Uncle John?
Yeah?
Why don't you write
about a monster?
Hey, he already did that, buddy.
I can't do it again?
Doesn't Stephen King
write about the same thing
over and over and over?
But that's Stephen King.
What does that mean?
She just means, you know...
I mean, he's a big seller.
I see. So that gives him
the right to repeat.
I don't have that right.
Misery was cool.
Let's forget it.
Besides, you shouldn't
compare yourself to anyone,
let alone Stephen King.
Thanks.
Want to see my latest?
Hmm.
Wow.
Yeah, huh?
What is this?
This is an autographed picture
of Babe Ruth.
It is, isn't it?
Yeah.
Jesus. Autographed to you?
Of course not.
I wasn't even born then.
No, I know when you were born.
Just joking.
"To Harry, good luck.
The Babe."
Well, you know what
you have to do.
You have to have another kid
and name him Harry.
Then this really becomes valuable.
Look at this.
Hmm.
Know how much that's worth?
It's the original?
Yes, the original. Guess.
I don't know. 2 grand?
$50,000.
Who is going to give you
$50,000 for this?
The market is 11-year-olds.
You'd be lucky to get 10 bucks
for anything, wouldn't you?
No. You've no idea
about this stuff.
I guess I don't.
Have a seat.
So, what's wrong?
Why does something
have to be wrong?
Well, hey, you're here.
Something's wrong.
You don't come here
if something isn't wrong.
All right.
Something's wrong.
What's the problem?
How often do you talk to Mother?
Every day.
Really? Every day?
Yeah.
Hey, look what I sent her.
What is that?
That's a picture phone.
She's not going to
be able to work that.
Why not?
No person over 60
can operate anything like this.
Have you ever seen what she does
with call waiting?
This is simple.
You look in the camera.
She'll never take the lens cap off.
You want one?
See, I thought maybe
the whole family
could look at each other
when we talk.
Well, I'm moving
out of my place,
so I don't really
know where I'd put it.
You're moving out of your place?
Yes. I'm trying
to tell you something.
You just take the picture phone
and keep it in the box.
Don't unwrap it.
Then wherever you go, you plug it in.
OK, good.
Do you feel
that Mother likes you?
Yeah.
Of course she likes me.
She loves me.
But are you having the life
that she thinks you should have?
In other words,
did she ever think
that you shouldn't
become an agent
because you're not a great one?
I'm not a great one?
I was making $100,000
out of the gate.
We were all blown away,
including her.
So if I sold 5 million books,
you think she'd like me more?
She likes you.
But, still, do you think
she'd be proud of me?
Do you think she'd bond with me
the way she does with you?
You're a complicated guy.
Oh, so that's it, then.
You're a simpleton?
I'm in more of
a black-and-white business.
When I have a good year,
everyone sees.
Your years are not that visible.
But you don't seek
her approval, huh?
I mean, obviously,
she doesn't criticize you.
Everything is perfect.
Of course not.
She criticizes the way
I raise the kids.
I mean, she has opinions.
It doesn't get to me.
Why does it get to me?
I don't know.
I mean, we're different.
Maybe the relationship with Dad
had something to do with this.
Maybe Dad was different with me
than he was with you.
Maybe he was.
Well, let me tell you something.
This is affecting my whole life.
I feel estranged from my own mother,
and I don't like it.
It affects everything I do,
especially with women.
But you ought to
just forget about it.
You're grown up.
I mean,
there's nothing you can do.
Ah. I don't think
that's true.
I've been thinking
about this a lot.
I'm going to move
back in with Mother.
No, you're not.
Yeah, I am.
That's the worst thing
I've ever heard.
That's stupid.
Why?
You're grown up.
What are you going to do?
Why are you going to do that?
You know what?
You sound a little jealous.
Yeah, right.
I'm jealous. That's what I want
is my old room back.
Come on.
Oh, man. Go see a doctor.
No, I don't need
to see a doctor.
I wasn't raised by a doctor.
I was raised by my mother.
That's who I need to see.
And here's to you,
Mrs. Henderson
Your grown son is
moving back today
Hey, hey, hey
God help him, please,
Mrs. Henderson
He looks to you
to help him with his life
He lost a wife
Again
He'd like for you
to welcome him
And make him feel at home
He needs to know
you like him coming back
He knows that you are busy
with problems of your own
But please, when you see him
Try not to attack
Ooh, ooh, ooh, please,
Mrs. Henderson
Soon your house
will add another one
It's your son
Remember,
please, Mrs. Henderson
You're the reason
why he's here at all
So, Mother, dear
Don't drop the ball
Where you heading?
Heading up north.
Big Sur?
No. Big Mama.
Ha ha ha!
What the hell does that mean?
And here's to you,
Mother Henderson
Now's the time
to step up to the plate
It's your fate
Ooh, ooh, ooh, please,
Mother Henderson
Destiny has given you a call
It's time to take
down the wall
Take down the wall
Take down the wall
Deedee
dee dee dee dee
Dee dee dee dee
dee dee dee
Hi!
Honey, I'm on the picture phone.
Just a minute.
Drove 400 miles,
she won't come out.
More to the left, Mom.
I can't see you.
I can see you.
That doesn't mean I can see you.
You had it right before.
Honey, why don't they put
the camera right where you are,
and that way, I won't have
to move all over the place.
Just move to the left!
Honey, John is here.
I'll call you back.
We didn't even get
a chance to talk.
Move up so I can see you.
Let me call you back.
John's here now.
Call me back soon.
Oh, do you want to
say hi to John?
Do you want to try to see him?
That's all right, Mother.
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Ooh. All right, dear.
You'll explain how to work it
next time.
Oh, honey,
how do I turn this thing off?
I told him I like this,
but it's driving me crazy.
Oh, honey, you look tired.
I just drove 400 miles.
Can't you start with a hello
and then move into a criticism?
Oh, you know
I'm happy to see you.
Now, why didn't you
want to stay in a hotel?
I told you what's going on.
You know, dear,
I really don't understand
what you mean by
"the experiment,"
but listen-- the couch
will do for a few nights.
I don't want to stay
on the couch.
I want to be here longer
than a few nights.
I thought I could get
my old room back.
No, dear.
That's a sewing room now.
You sew?
No, but I have things in there,
and I don't want to
start going through them.
But, Mother,
I want my room back.
Why?
Because it's part
of the experiment.
I want to see what feelings
it would bring up to be in there.
Listen, I'll clear
everything out.
When I leave,
I'll put it all back.
What's the big deal?
You don't want to clear
anything out of that room.
Sleep on it tonight,
and we'll talk about it tomorrow.
All right,
but I know what I want.
Want something to eat?
Um... no.
I made some salad,
and I have some meat loaf.
I don't eat meat.
Oh, that's right.
That's Jeff who loves it.
I'll have some salad.
Don't have salad
just for my sake.
No, no. I'll have it.
Are you sure you want salad?
Yes, I want salad.
Not just for my sake?
Don't get into
this food stuff now, please.
Just give me a little salad.
I know what I could do.
I could scrape the top
off the meat loaf.
What would that do?
It wouldn't be
as much meat then.
But it's still meat.
What difference does it make
how much you have?
You really don't like meat, huh?
No, Mother.
I don't like eating cows.
Oh, honey, everything
comes from a cow.
Everything.
Come on in, honey. Sit.
Ah... there.
You know, if you'd come
2 hours earlier,
we could have had
dinner together.
I made great beef stew.
Here you are.
There.
Thanks.
What else can I get for you?
No, Mother, I'll tell you.
I'm really not hungry at all.
I ate in a truck stop,
so this is fine.
Well, I have some
cold spaghetti,
but it has meat sauce in it.
Can you eat lamb chops?
What the hell is a lamb?
It's meat!
I told you, I don't eat it.
Well, it's not a cow.
I didn't know if it was the animal
you were siding with
or the whole thing.
The whole thing.
Want some cheese?
No. The salad is fine,
I promise.
I'm going to give you
some cheese.
That's a lot of cheese.
Got it in hunks.
Mother...
look at the date!
It's 3 years old!
Well, it's been in the freezer.
Yeah, but how cheap was it that you
wanted to buy this much of it?
Honey, this is wonderful cheese.
It comes from Switzerland.
Very hard to get.
How could it be hard to get?
It's all here!
I don't want the cheese.
Now, dear--
Mother, stop!
I don't want any!
Wait a minute.
It's like This Old House.
Well, you haven't even tried it.
I can tell by the gross weight
I'm not going to like it.
I like my cheeses in the ounces.
When they weigh as much as a Fiat,
I get worried.
Whatever.
Can you eat Saltines?
Yes, of course
I can eat Saltines.
Can't anybody?
That's what they give sick people.
I just didn't know if there
was some sort of meat in it.
I didn't know what they use.
Put it away, Mother.
I don't want it.
Just clear a portion
out of the refrigerator,
and tomorrow, I'll go shopping
and get stuff that I like.
You don't have to do that.
No, I want to.
I'm going to be here.
I want to have food to eat.
You think you'll
be here long enough
that you need to go shopping?
Yes. I wish you'd understand
what I'm doing here and support it.
Whoo!
Yuck!
What's wrong?
There can't be meat in that.
This lettuce is 100 years old!
What, did you get this from
the Smithsonian commissary?
Honey, lettuce doesn't get old.
Lettuce doesn't get old?
Where do you read that?
You never heard
of wilted lettuce?
Honey, I just took it
out of the freezer.
You're freezing everything.
It was a good invention,
but it wasn't meant for everything.
That's why it's smaller
than the refrigerator.
You're not supposed to put
everything in that little box.
I make my salads on Monday,
and I keep them frozen all week.
I think I know what I'm doing.
I know, but it doesn't
taste good to me.
You're just not used to it.
I don't want to get used to it.
I want to go to the market.
How about some sherbet?
Uh-oh. What kind of sherbet?
Oh, what do you mean?
It's delicious! Mmm.
"Sweet Tooth"?
Where do you find Sweet Tooth?
I never hear of these brands.
There's a Baskin-Robbins
half a block from here.
I wouldn't go down there.
That's a waste of money.
I'm not going to fall for that.
What are you falling for?
They have ice cream in there.
There's no difference.
Why should I pay
triple the amount
when they probably go to the supermarket
and buy the very same kind?
Mother,
the ice cream is colorless.
Look under the protective ice.
The protective ice?
You've actually named the clear,
hard crap that sits on the top?
Well, if you don't want it,
don't eat it.
You know, when I'm down and you
give me these words of wisdom
and you say to me, "Honey,
you don't need to see a shrink.
Just don't be hard on yourself.
How can I possibly do that
when I come from you?
You're running a food museum here!
Why can't you just
go buy fresh ice cream?
Honey, you haven't
even tried it.
You're making fun
of the ice cream,
and you haven't even tasted it.
It's wonderful sherbet.
I don't want it.
Im not going to taste it.
No?
I don't want it.
You tell me...
Aargh...
Bleah!
Oh, God, this is horribly old!
This tastes like an orange foot!
Oh, my God almighty!
Phooey! Yuck!
You're the first one
that didn't like it.
Oh, I bet.
Buy your own, then.
I'm exhausted.
I'm going to go take a bath.
Eat whatever you want to eat.
Just put the dishes in the sink,
and I'll see you in the morning,
and then we'll talk
about the couch.
Such a surprise to have you here.
Sleep well, Mother.
Honey?
Oh. Scared me.
What are you doing?
I just want to see how maybe I could
clear out some of these things.
Dear, we were going to talk
about that tomorrow.
I don't think it's a good idea.
Mother, I really do want to
stay in this room.
It's important to me.
What are you trying to do?
Remind me.
I'm trying to
recapture a feeling.
You want to stay in here
to recapture something.
Yeah. I want to see what feelings
it would bring up.
What am I going to do with all this?
Just leave it.
We'll put it
in the garage temporarily.
We can't do that.
Why?
The garage is full of stuff.
It's full of
all my high-school stuff.
You saved everything.
Let me move it in here,
and I'll move this back there.
What difference does it make?
What about the car?
You might damage it.
I'll pull the car out.
And you'll put it back?
No, I will never put it back.
It will become
an Oldsmobile exhibit.
We'll buy a big turntable,
it will revolve slowly,
we'll get a good-looking girl
with a mic.
I don't want to get
everything dusty.
Look at this room!
You've got chairs
piled up to the ceiling.
What difference does it make
if they get dusty?
I plan to use those chairs.
In what-- some sort
of a vaudeville act?
The furniture's very heavy,
and you're not strong enough,
and I can't help you.
I'll get somebody
off the street.
I can go down to Sears
and get one of those kids.
You know how to do that?
How to do what?
How to choose those men
on the corner.
It's not an art form.
You just point to them,
and they get in the car.
Don't overpay them.
It's insulting.
I read where they
don't like that.
I know.
I read the same thing.
When they get their paycheck
and it's huge, they feel violated.
Well, they're different than us.
No.
You're different than them.
Good night.
Good night, dear.
There's a world
Where I can go
And tell my secrets to
In my room
In my room
In my room
In this world
I lock out all
My worries and my fears
In my room
In my room
In my room
Do my brooding and my scheming
Lie awake and pray
Do my crying and my sighing
Laugh at yesterday
Now it's dark and
I'm alone but
I won't be afraid
In my room
In my room
In my room
In my room
And... ta-da!
Oh, this is something!
It looks exactly like it looked
when you were in school.
I hope you know
what you're doing.
Honey, I'm not sure
where the camera is.
It's the tiny hole
right above the screen.
I don't think I have
the same one you do.
Yes, of course you do.
It's the same phone.
Just move to your right.
Hold...
To your left!
Honey, I can't hear you!
Mother! Ma!
Stay there!
That's good! Hold it!
Just stay right there.
That's fine. Don't move.
Good enough.
Look, I think that
he just wants to see
what he can do
about your relationship.
Well, what's wrong
with our relationship?
Maybe we don't see as much
of each other as you and I,
but it's fine.
Just go with it
for a little while.
I'm sure he'll get sick of it.
Isn't there something wrong
with a grown man
who puts his high-school things
back on the shelf?
Well, he's a writer.
Chalk it up to that.
Oh, I don't think that has
anything to do with writing.
He's not that famous a writer
that he can afford to go nuts.
He might be famous one day, Mom.
You never know.
Really? Do you really
think that's possible?
Do your people think so?
My people? They're athletes.
I don't think they
even know who he is.
That's my point.
Don't you worry. I'm sure
he'll get tired of it soon.
I'll call you later.
Love you.
Oh, my God!
Na nananana
Nananana
nanananana
Na nanana
Aaoww
Play it little Molly
Long tall Sally
Do that shotgun
Watch me work, y'all
Ow! Do it
Ow! Do it
Yeah?
Didn't see you.
This is what you do
when you're blocked?
Sometimes.
I'm going to go to the market.
Be back in about an hour.
Oh, I want to go with you.
Really?
Well, come on.
There's a space
right up here, Mother.
Where?
Right here!
What space?
There! There!
I was looking the other way.
I don't think it was a space.
It has to be a space.
Well, it's where they
put the baskets.
Honey, I've been here before.
You're making me nervous.
I don't want to lose it,
that's all.
Well, it's not--
You're going around again.
No, no. Here. Right here.
What are you doing?
It's right there!
Oh, goodness.
They didn't mark it well.
This is like a ride
at Disneyland.
Here we go again.
I saw one down here on the left.
What do you mean, the left?
Right here!
No. We are not
doing this again. No!
Honey, don't do that!
If you want to drive, drive,
but don't grab the wheel.
I had to do something.
Someone had to stop us
from going around.
This was the space?
You want a separate basket?
Why?
If I have some meat
products in here--
I don't care
if meat's in the basket.
I just don't want to ingest it.
I didn't know
how far you take this.
No, we can use the same basket.
I think it's appropriate.
Oh. OK.
You want some peanut butter?
As a matter of fact, I do.
"New-Taste"?
Mm-hmm.
I'm going to get the organic.
Oh, honey,
there's no difference.
Yeah, but I like the organic.
But there's no reason
to pay extra.
This all comes from
the same place.
The man told me
it's just the label.
I don't think that's
necessarily true,
but in any case, I'm buying
my own peanut butter.
I want the organic.
I don't know why you
want to waste the money.
Why do you want to
throw it all away?
Because that's exactly
what I want to do.
I want an experience where we
throw away 91 cents together.
You throw it away.
New-Taste is as good as any of this,
and I won't be fooled.
Organic!
I have an idea.
Let's buy the most expensive
jelly in the market.
Oh, honey, you're something.
Come on. What do you think
the most expensive jelly is?
I don't buy jelly.
I don't know.
Oh, this looks very good.
Oh, don't get that!
Why?
Because it's too expensive.
That's a waste of money.
Look, you can get
a whole jar here for $2.50.
Why would you want
to spend $10.95?
Because, thank God,
I can afford it,
and it might be good.
Come on, Mother.
Let's experience this together.
I don't want this experience!
You're fooled by these names,
all that fancy wrapping.
I'm not fooled by anything.
This isn't what
the experiment's about.
It's not about being fooled.
It's about splurging.
You see, I realize something.
I think you treat yourself
very cheaply,
and I think therefore
you have instilled that into me.
I don't treat myself
cheaply at all.
I lived through the Depression.
You didn't.
The Depression!
You were 2.
By the way, things
aren't so great right now.
Well, it's not the thirties.
You don't have to
wait in line to buy bread.
Yes. Sourdough, please.
You know, I've heard
this Depression story a lot,
but I don't know
what it has to do
with splurging for jam now.
We're in the nineties, Mother.
It's fancy-jam time.
See, I realize something.
We don't like ourselves enough.
You don't give yourself anything.
I don't give myself anything.
It's all so clear!
Shh. Honey, I don't want
to have this discussion now.
I like myself very much.
Just because I don't want to
spend $10 for bullshit jam
has nothing to do with
what I feel about myself!
I never heard you use
the word bullshit before.
You never heard me
use a lot of words.
Oh! What a waste.
For God's sakes,
looks like a toy!
The checker's going to have
a good laugh over this.
Mother, can't you just
forget about it?
Can't you throw
caution to the wind?
Caution I can throw all day.
Jelly is another matter.
My goodness, a brand.
What's the matter?
Don't they make New-Nuts?
I enjoy my Grape-Nuts.
I know you do.
Hmm, I need some Sweet Tooth.
Shoppers,
there's no waiting at check stand 5.
No waiting, check stand 5.
If you tell me there's
a difference between salt,
I'm really going to get upset.
You do not know how to market.
No, I know there's
no difference between salt.
I know salt's all the same.
It's all all the same!
It's not all all the same!
Beatrice! Hello!
This is my sister.
Sis, this is
my neighbor Beatrice.
How do you do?
I forget your name.
Alice.
So nice to see you, Beatrice.
Alice is going to
be here for a week,
and then she's taking
a cruise to Mexico.
Oh, my-- a cruise!
Oh, my!
I'm, uh, John.
This is my son-- the other one.
Oh.
He's staying with me
for a while.
He likes this jelly.
Look at that!
Oh, I've heard of that.
It's organic.
You've heard of it?
Oh, yes. They're very big
in the catalog business.
Really!
Yes. I hear their jelly is wonderful,
and you know what else?
They have a peanut butter for $12
that's out of this world.
Well, just think of that.
Leave it to my son.
So, you're the writer?
Yes.
Well, he hasn't written
anything for a while,
but he's working on a new book.
Thanks for the intro, Mother.
What are you writing?
I'm working on
a science fiction novel.
Like Stephen King.
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
Now, Stephen King
could afford this jelly.
My son, I'm not so sure.
Let's go. We got
a lot of shopping to do.
Excuse us.
I will speak to you, Beatrice.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you, too, John.
Nice to see you.
Have a nice trip to Mexico.
Thank you.
Don't drink the water.
You see what you do?
All you do is apologize for me!
I don't apologize
for you at all.
Maybe I am a little embarrassed
about the jelly. So what?
Why would you be embarrassed
about the jelly?
Didn't her sister like it?
Her sister doesn't know anything.
You want to know
something about her?
No, I really don't.
She was in some sort
of institution for a few years.
Nobody knows what really happened.
She went insane for spending
a few dollars more for her food.
Oh, my goodness!
Oh, my.
What did we do?
We must have come around
the same way.
I told you.
This market's so confusing.
I thought this was the freezer.
They don't have a freezer.
Of course they do.
Where were you trying to go?
To the freezer.
And you came around
the same way?
That's so funny!
That is so funny!
It's not that funny.
Mother, let's go.
We're right back
where we started.
You know what they just did?
Don't tell the clerk!
We're going to turn into skeletons
with this conversation.
Can you believe this?
Mother, I beg you, let's go.
Oh, he wants to go.
That's so funny!
I'll talk to you later.
Come on, honey.
Let's get your nonmeat things.
That's very funny.
Honey, look.
I cleared out the refrigerator.
I'm going to give you
the right-hand side,
and I'll put your stuff there.
It's like It Happened One Night
for food.
Oh, I love that movie.
Clark Gable was wonderful.
Do you really want to separate
the refrigerator?
Oh, yes, dear.
It'll be much easier.
That way you won't
accidentally eat some meat.
It's good that you
know that about me.
I accidentally eat things
all day long.
What are you doing?
I can't get it to fit
completely on my side.
It's just going to have
to stick over a little.
Mother, would you forget
the separation?
Just leave the refrigerator alone.
I can get the stuff that I like.
I just thought I'd
make it easier for you.
Then don't manage the food.
My eyes are connected
to my brain
like in a real person.
I know exactly what it is
that I want to eat.
Fine. If you'd rather not
divide it up, we don't divide it up.
Would you like
some of your food now?
Yes. I'm a little hungry.
Let me make you something.
Why don't you set the table
and sit down?
Honey, tell me again,
because people will start asking.
You're here why?
Why?
Well, it's complicated, Mother,
but you know why.
Well, you're having problems,
and you're blaming me.
Is that it?
I'm not blaming anyone.
It's just that things
aren't working out so great
with the women
in my life right now,
and I feel that, until I
can figure this situation out,
I probably will never be able
to figure that situation out.
So, you know,
whatever I learn here,
I'll take into that part
of my life and apply it there.
Hey! That's a very
good way to say it.
Hmm?
Oh, I wasn't listening.
Tell them what?
This is one of the problems.
Just don't tell them anything.
Forget it.
Yes. I could pretend you're here
for just a regular reason.
Yeah-- like a visit.
I'm your son.
Yes, of course. You could be here
for any kind of a reason.
For example, you could
have injured yourself,
and you need me
to take care of you.
I'm not going to limp
for you, Mother.
No, no.
Some internal injury.
So you're not making it work
with the women, dear?
No. Things aren't going
so great right now.
Oh, Karen was lovely.
What was the problem there again?
She didn't support me.
Did you support her?
Yeah, I supported her.
Did you, dear?
I remember when she want...
Oh, I forget which one.
What did she want to do
that you didn't want?
Leave me.
Oh. Why would you
support that?
The hell with her, dear.
She wasn't that cute anyway.
Mother, I'm fine with her.
We don't have to trash her looks.
What are you doing?
Stop! No more food!
It's like Fantasia!
You said you were hungry.
For my whole life,
I've never been able to deal
with these food questions.
You ask me if I'm hungry,
I tell you yes,
you bring me food.
You ask me if I'm hungry,
I tell you no,
you bring me food.
You ask me the questions,
but you don't listen
to the answers,
so I know I'm going to get food
no matter what I tell you.
Therefore, I adjust how hungry
I tell you I am
to know how much food
I'm going to get.
From now on,
just bring what you want.
Really. I'll eat
what you bring me,
or I won't eat what
you bring me.
It doesn't matter.
Bring it anyway, and that's
the end of the food deal.
Honey, I never knew it was
this much of a problem.
I will never ask you
about food anymore.
Oh, Mother, you can ask me,
but you know what I mean.
Oh, I just wish
your father were alive
so he could take
a little of this blame.
Is that a joke?
Yes, it is, honey.
Every time you say something funny,
I'm shocked.
I know.
You must think of me
as some sort of a moron.
No, no. Not a moron.
Just someone
who thinks I'm a moron.
Well, it takes one to know one,
doesn't it, dear?
So, let me ask you something.
The son does get more
from his mother,
for the most part, anyway,
than his father, doesn't he?
Yes, in your case,
but not all the time.
Well, who instilled
the cheapness and self-loathing?
You, right?
Dear, I'm tired.
We can berate me tomorrow.
I love you, Mother.
You know,
if you talk to the women
the way you talk to me
sometimes,
I can see why
they all leave you.
They didn't all leave me.
I left some of them.
Really!
I didn't know that.
It is morning
on this strange planet.
We do not know where we are,
but we are safe,
at least for the moment.
What is outside,
no one will ever know.
What is outside, nobody...
It is morning
on this strange planet.
We do not know where we are, but we
are safe, at least for the moment.
What is outside,
nobody will ever know.
No one?
No one.
What is outside,
no one will ever know.
Honey?
Yeah?
I'm going out,
and I'll be back later.
Are you all right?
Yeah. Where are you going?
I have some shopping
and things to do.
Oh, look at this!
This is beautiful.
Oh, you never saw one before?
Only in the store.
My goodness, look what they've done.
Did you ever use one?
No.
Do you know how to type?
Do I know how to type?
I was the fastest typist
in my class.
Number one.
But it was manual.
Then they didn't
do all those things.
Come on.
You got to try it.
Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
No. Try it. It's easy.
It's the same as manual.
It just does it all for you.
Let's see.
Mother!
You're amazing!
No mistakes, and you're fast.
I'm impressed.
I never knew this.
Your mother does a lot of things
you don't know.
Well, that's why I'm here.
Tell me everything.
You came here
to find out what I do?
I thought you came here because
of the problems with the women.
The problems with the women,
to find out what you do--
The whole thing. Come on.
Not now, dear. I have to go.
Oh, Mother?
I'm taking you out to dinner tonight,
so be ready at 8:00.
What?
We have a date.
I want you to be ready
at 8:00 sharp.
I'll pick you up in your room.
Honey, you don't have to do that.
I'll make something.
No more house cheese.
This is going to be
a very special evening.
Hmm!
To the experiment,
whatever it is.
To the experiment.
And you look good.
But?
What, dear?
Just wondering
when the but's coming.
Is that what you think I do?
I don't think you do it.
That's what you do.
I don't mean anything by it.
It's just something
a mother does.
I don't know that
every mother does that.
I don't think every mother says,
"Honey, you look good,
but your hair is thinning."
Honey, I never told you
your hair was thinning.
Yes, you did.
The last time
I was at the house,
on my way out
you called after me,
"Look out for your bald spot."
Remember?
Well, someone has to say that.
And by the way, whatever you did,
it looks wonderful.
You can barely tell.
I used that Minoxidil stuff.
I was one of the lucky ones.
But it doesn't work up here, hmm?
What are you-- What is-- Why?
Why should it work up here?
I have hair here.
I didn't even put it here.
I see there's hair there.
No, no, dear. I was just--
It's for the back.
That's where I put it.
That's where it worked.
Oh, that's a miracle.
Just think.
It was a blood pressure medicine.
Isn't that funny?
They accidentally
found out it grew hair.
Isn't that the way
it always works?
They always accidentally
find something.
Do you know how the cane
was invented?
No.
How?
Oh, I don't know, dear.
I just can't imagine
that was its original purpose.
Thank you.
That looks delicious.
Looks lovely.
And you, sir.
Thank you very much.
Would you like another martini?
Oh, no.
Yes. 2 olives.
I'm fine. Thank you.
You don't speak to your brother
very much, do you, dear?
No. No, I don't.
I wonder why.
Maybe it's the age difference.
Well, age difference,
every difference.
You know, we're just different.
That's all.
I just wish you could meet
a girl like Cheryl.
She's a wonderful girl,
don't you think?
I like her.
Yeah, she's very nice.
So what happened?
You just had some bad luck?
What do you mean?
I just mean, he seemed
to hit it off right away,
and they have children, and they're
happy, and you haven't found it.
Well, I can't help that, Mother.
I can't help who I am.
What am I supposed to do?
Of course not, dear.
I know that.
I'm just saying it's interesting
how someone has good luck
and someone has bad luck.
Mother, I don't look at my life
as good luck and bad luck, you know?
I'm on a quest.
We're different people.
He's an agent.
I'm a writer.
There's a big difference there.
You know something?
Maybe you should write
about that.
What did you say?
I just think you
should think about
writing about real
things-- you know,
people, instead of all that
science fiction all the time.
Science fiction has people in it.
What kind of a comment is that?
It's not a bad comment, dear.
It's just my opinion.
I mean, I just think
it would be interesting
to write about
what's really right here
instead of all
that made-up stuff--
You know, with the large heads.
And what was that one character
you had with just a big hand?
Even if I wrote
about "right here,"
I'd have to make it up,
wouldn't I?
Isn't it more visionary to make up
a world that doesn't even exist?
Maybe.
Well, maybe you're right.
You're right.
Mother, you don't have to
like science fiction.
I'm not going to bully you
into liking the genre.
No, dear,
I love science fiction.
No, you don't.
Oh, yes, I do.
I think it's very creative.
But not as creative as, what--
A story about brothers?
You know, dear,
you misunderstand me.
I know. Vice versa.
Well, let's change the subject.
To a new subject.
New subject.
Maybe when you
stopped eating meat,
your writing became
a little thinner.
Oh, dear, the phone.
Why don't you get
an answering machine?
I had one, but it broke.
I never got it fixed.
You don't get them fixed.
You throw them away.
Hello?
Hi, Mom.
Oh, hi, honey.
Sit down in front of the camera.
Honey, I just walked in.
I'm exhausted.
Let me use this phone.
Where were you?
We went to
the most beautiful restaurant.
Listen, I closed
a giant deal today.
Big deal.
Oh, really, dear?
It was fabulous.
It was fabulous!
I'll call you later, and you
can tell me all about it.
Let me tell you about it now.
You can't talk now?
Honey, I just walked in,
and I just-- well, I'd like
to be able to concentrate.
OK Forget it.
I'll tell you about it later.
All right, dear.
Sleep well.
Good. Say hi to John.
All right.
OK. Bye.
Your brother says hi.
Hi.
Want something to eat?
You got to be kidding.
You're not full?
What a wonderful time we had
this evening. Thank you, honey.
It was fun.
As much as I don't want to,
I guess I'll go in my room
and see if I can work
a little bit.
You don't feel silly
in that room, huh, dear?
I do a little bit, yeah.
And yet you still want
to be in there.
Yeah.
I guess you know
what you're doing.
So, tomorrow I figure we'll
go shopping and have a nice lunch.
Oh, I can't do anything tomorrow.
Why not?
I have to take the car in.
What time is that?
9:00.
So how does that ruin
the whole day?
Oh, well, if there's
something wrong,
you know, they might
want me to leave it.
You never know what
they're going to say.
What is wrong with the car?
It's some sort of a rattle.
I'll take a look at it.
No, dear, I can't do that.
Why not?
You could void the warranty.
I could what?
They told me if I took it
to some other place
other than the dealer,
it would void the warranty.
Mother, I'm not another place.
I'm your child.
I don't have a waiting room
with magazines and a service adviser
who's going to tap you
on the shoulder and talk to you.
I'm your kid.
Honey, forget about it.
You could make it worse.
I can't get over how much
you know about cars.
I just tightened the bolt
on the air cleaner.
I don't really know
anything about cars.
It's wonderful, dear.
I'm sure they would
have found something
to charge me a fortune for.
It's so nice to have a man
around the house.
Dad used to fix stuff?
Oh, God, no.
I just always liked
that expression.
Please take the ticket.
Take that ticket.
Honey, I wonder--
Maybe-- I don't know,
but we could park the car--
It's free. You don't even
have to have it validated.
Just take the ticket.
You don't have to
have it validated?
Take the ticket!
My goodness, look what
they do at these places!
You've never been here before?
You know,
it's far from the house.
What am I going to do?
I'm not going to come here.
It's 10 minutes from the house.
Oh. Well, it felt far.
There's a Gap up there.
Come on.
I need some underwear.
Yes, may I help you?
Yeah, I need to get
some underwear.
OK.
That's my son.
I didn't come here
to pick out underwear for him.
He's just staying with me
for a while.
Mother, I understand
when you tell your friends,
but this is a kid we don't
have to tell this to.
What is your name?
Steve.
Steve,
other than selling us things,
you don't give a shit
about us, do ya?
No, not really.
See?
You tell everyone.
I don't tell everyone.
You do.
You don't even realize it.
You're just trying to justify
everything to strangers.
That's not it at all, dear.
People are just curious
why a grown man and his mother
would be in an underwear store.
Who cares if they're curious?
What difference does it make?
You see what's going on?
You want their approval,
I want your approval.
It's all about approval.
We have an approval problem
in this family.
We don't have any problem
in this family,
and lower your voice.
You're making this
much too serious.
Now, where do you
want to go next?
Well, there's a little store
down there called "Tell It All"
You go in and tell them
your most personal secrets.
You're joking?
Yeah.
If only your writing
were that real.
Oh, look at this.
Oh!
Hi!
Hi, cutie.
Hi, cutie.
Yeah.
Honey, put that down.
Don't play with that.
Do you know
how much this dog is?
Mother, I'm just petting it.
I'm not Lennie
in Of Mice and Men.
What am I going to do, kill it?
But, honey, look, it's over $3,000.
You don't want to--
Don't want to what?
All right.
Do what you want.
Hello, cutie.
Hi, cutie.
Aw, yes, honey.
My son's in town
just for a while.
That's why we're shopping today.
Normally he doesn't live with me.
He's divorced.
Actually, it's his second divorce.
They just can't seem
to stay married anymore.
I don't know.
I can't believe that you
told him I was divorced.
Honey, he asked.
Oh, I'm sure he did.
That's what they do in these stores.
Before they can sell you a bird,
they need to know
your marital status.
What difference does it make?
What if we were man and wife?
Shh! Honey, please!
Oh, Mother, I got to run
in here for one second.
I got to get a woman
something very quickly.
What, what?
You're going to get a woman
something in here?
Yeah.
Who?
Excuse me?
Welcome to Victoria's Secret.
May I help you?
Yes, I'm buying my mother
a pair of crotchless panties.
You're what?
Wonderful. Do you know
what size you are, ma'am?
What size are you?
Uh, n-n-n-I'm--
No size. No--
He's just joking.
He's a writer.
It's all made up.
We're not getting anything.
We're getting out of here.
Thank you.
She's shy. Sexy, but shy.
It's an experiment, you see?
I'm part of an experiment...
where we're things
that we're not.
Remind me to call Jeff
when I get home.
That's now the 30th time
you told me that.
I don't want to forget.
What are you so worried about?
What if you forgot?
That has nothing to do with it.
You know they want me
to come down there,
and they need to know
about the room.
Come down there? When?
I was going to go this weekend.
But I'm here.
You want to come with me?
No. I just came from there.
Mother, we need time alone.
We do?
Look, I don't want
to upset your life.
You do what you want to do.
You don't want to upset my life?
I thought that was part
of the experiment.
No, it's not part
of the experiment.
Go visit Jeff.
No. I'll stay with you.
Are you sure that's
what you want to do?
No, dear, I'm not,
but I'll stay.
Well, Christ, Mom,
we're all expecting you.
You can't just do that.
Well, it's just that John is here.
And let me get through with him,
and then I'll come down there.
But how long will that be?
I don't know, honey.
He doesn't tell me.
What's going on?
That's great.
You know, somebody could have
told us before, Mother.
We had plans.
What's the problem?
I should be asking you that.
We are planned.
Now she's not coming.
You know what?
You talk to her
every goddamned day of your life.
Can I have this
little bit of time?
I don't talk to her every
goddamned day of anybody's life,
and you can do whatever you want.
Get some help, buddy!
Hey!
Watch it, will you?
What's the matter with you?
My mother's not coming here
this weekend.
Where's she going?
She's staying
up there with John.
So that's OK, isn't it?
We had a plan, didn't we?
She was going to come down here.
We were going to do something
with the kids. Yes?
Yes. We can't do something
with the kids?
That's not the point.
No, that is the point.
It's almost like
you're not going to live
unless your mother comes here.
I like to be with my mother.
Is there something wrong
with that?
I mean, just because
I get along with mine.
Oh, go to hell.
I'm tired of this,
and there's a big difference
between getting along with
and not being able to live without.
What does that mean?
It means you're a mama's boy.
Screw you!
I'm not a mama's boy.
I love my mother.
What's wrong with that?
How do you think
that makes me feel?
You find out that your mother's
not coming here,
and your world ends.
I don't mean anything,
the kids don't mean anything.
Don't you think that's
a little odd at your age?
What are you afraid of?
I am not afraid of anything.
What does that mean?
Your brother went up there
to figure out his relationship
with his mother.
I think you'd better
do the same thing.
My relationship with my mother
is perfect. I don't have his problem.
Don't be too sure.
I don't think you know your mother
any better than he does.
You just cling more.
They say that these animals
have better memory than even us.
We don't have
that good of a memory.
I don't think animals
get Alzheimer's.
Hmm.
You know,
I once read about that.
What did I read?
It was-- I'm thinking.
I think you've just
proved the point.
Now, let's see
if this animal remembers me.
That's the same elephant
as when I was a kid.
How do you know?
Look at his rear.
The white diamond.
Remember?
That's the same animal.
Now, we came here a lot, right?
We came here dozens of times.
Call him.
Hey!
Fatty!
It's John and his mother.
Remember we fed you a lot?
Remember?
No, he's walking away.
I guess he doesn't
remember me, huh?
He might remember you.
He might not like you.
Honey, I don't need this.
Mother, nobody needs a T-shirt
with their name on it.
We're getting it just for fun.
These people--
Uh-uh-uh.
You're right.
That looks perfect. Thanks.
Look at this.
I am very proud of you.
Why?
You know why.
This was a big step.
You didn't make any explanation,
no apologies.
Now I think we should graduate
and go on to something
far more embarrassing.
There's a nude beach nearby,
but it's not very nice out.
That's... a joke?
You think I'd go
to a nude beach?
Very good, Mother.
Mother, stop sign
coming up right here.
Stop sign.
Stop sign!
What are you doing?
Where?
Where?!
All right, that's it.
Hold the penguin.
I'm driving.
Well, look who's here.
Jeff, honey!
What you got there?
Well, we just came home from the zoo.
Anything wrong?
No, no. Nothing at all.
I was just up here on business.
I thought I'd drop by
and say hello.
Come on in.
Hey.
Honey, I like your suit.
You don't think
it's too long, do you?
Oh, no.
No, look at it.
Business, huh?
Came up here on business?
Who's up here?
What does that mean?
I mean, who do you represent
that lives in the Bay Area?
If you knew anything about sports,
there's about 6 teams up here,
so l don't want
to talk about it, OK?
What should I make to eat?
You still have that sherbet?
Absolutely.
OK. Just a bowl of that and some of
that cheese if you have that, too.
Good, good.
You like her food?
Huh?
Nothing.
So, Jeff, everything
all right with you?
Yeah, everything's all right.
Look, could I speak to John
alone for a second?
Of course, honey.
John, show him your room.
Ha ha!
Yeah, show me your room.
Let's see that room
of yours, John.
No cheese for me.
Oh!
Pretty cool, huh?
Oh, boy!
Look...
don't take this the wrong way,
but I think this is tragic.
Oh, man, who asked you?
I-I-- don't think Mother
has anything to do with your problem.
Look who's talking.
Look who immediately
got on an airplane
because Mommy couldn't listen
to the good news.
What the hell are you doing here?
I'm here on business. I told you
I'm on the way to the airport.
Stop bullshitting yourself.
You don't have any business here.
You missed Mommy.
Listen, I don't make a living
in a room all day like you, OK?
I travel all the time.
Please do not tell me
what my business consists of.
I think you're kidding yourself,
and I think you ought to
examine this.
Don't tell me what to examine.
I have a very nice family.
I think
I'm pretty well adjusted.
Whatever.
Anyway, I'd like Mom to come down
this weekend and see the kids.
So it's no big deal,
really, is it?
Yeah, it's a big deal.
She already told you
she's staying here with me.
Why can't you understand that?
And whose idea was that,
yours or hers?
Oh, I'm telling her
what to say now?
I have children. Do you understand?
They'll be disappointed.
They want to see
their grandmother.
Whatever it is that you're doing here,
and God only knows--
I mean, can't it hold for 2 days?
She'll be back.
Robot to earthling.
Mommy not coming with you.
Mommy staying here.
Robot to earthling.
Ow!
All right,
let's see whose idea it was.
Ow!
Mom, if you can
get away for 3 days--
I mean, the kids, you know,
they would love to see you.
Mother, you've already
made this decision.
You don't have to make it again.
Now, don't let him
intimidate you.
Honey, nobody intimidates me.
Dear, I'm going to stay up here
for a little while,
and when I'm through I'll
come down and see everybody.
Fine. I'll just tell the kids
you're not coming.
Oh, I forgot about the kids.
Look what he's doing.
What makes you think the kids
want to see you, anyway?
Don't you think they'd rather
be outside playing?
You know, I always thought that.
I always thought
they stayed indoors for me.
Is that right, Jeff?
Mother, don't be silly.
Don't listen to him.
That's right. That's what
I liked to do when I was a kid.
Stay inside in a darkened room
with my grandmother.
I don't need
this sarcastic shit.
You don't want to come,
don't come. It's OK. Fine.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Oh, I feel terrible.
He succeeded now.
See what he's doing to you?
Honey, don't leave like this.
Really. It's nothing.
Then come with me.
"Then come with me." My God,
it sounds like you're lovers.
We're lovers?!
You're the one
that's living with her!
Well, I have some news for you.
We are lovers.
That's a joke?
No, it isn't a joke.
I didn't want to tell you earlier.
I thought it would upset you.
No. God! Um--
Why are you talking like this?
Why would you even say something
like that? It's disgusting.
Why is it disgusting?
Don't you read history?
It didn't start with me.
I love my mother,
and I love having sex with her.
Oh, my God!
You ought to examine yourself
that you could
even make a joke like that.
Well, you ought to examine yourself
that you take it so seriously.
Shh!
By the way, you make so much fun
of the picture phones,
why don't you send the one
I gave you back, OK?
It's still in the box. Take it.
I don't give a crap.
Keep it.
I get them for free, anyway.
Free?
I told you. Some gift, huh?
But nothing happened
out of the ordinary?
Uh-huh.
No, no.
He just seemed so upset.
They were having this argument,
and he stormed out of the house.
I mean, really, it was--
Hmm?
Oh, now, dear.
Don't be upset about it, dear.
No. It happens to everybody.
If you want to,
you can call me later.
Yeah.
All right, honey.
Good-bye, honey.
Who was that?
Cheryl.
I have a theory
about this whole thing.
Do you want to hear it?
What is it?
Well, the so-called adjusted one
is actually the sickie,
and the one who
everyone thinks is sick
is pretty darn healthy
to begin with.
Which one are you?
Hey, tomorrow at 11:00--
Oh, honey, I can't do anything
with you tomorrow.
Why?
Don't ask me any questions.
I have something to do.
Do you work for the C.I.A.?
What are you doing?
I hate to talk about
every single thing.
You're secretly going down
to Jeff's, aren't you?
I have a friend who I see
every 3 or 4 weeks
when he comes
through San Francisco,
and he's coming.
Normally, we spend
a couple of days together,
but I told him, because you
were here, just one day.
Well, first of all,
I'm really upset because I told you
not to alter your life
because of me.
I'm not having somebody stay
in the house when you're here.
He stays over?
Well, not really.
Not really?
Well, do you want me
to go to a hotel?
That's a waste of money.
Which hotel?
I don't want to go to a hotel.
I want to stay in my room.
I know, honey.
That's why he's not
staying over this time.
But I do have to see him.
What's his name?
Charles.
I'm curious, why have I never
heard of this man before?
I don't tell you everything.
It's not that important.
Not that important?
Gee, Mother, I would think
a man that you're intimate with
is pretty important.
Dear, we're not intimate.
We just have sex occasionally.
Oh...
I mean, oh.
Oh, hello.
You must be Charles.
You must be the other son.
Are you still blocked?
Still blocked?
Yeah.
Word travels, doesn't it?
I've heard an awful lot
about you.
Your mother's very proud of you.
I thought you had
the wrong address.
Now I'm positive.
You should hear her
talk about you.
I have.
That's why I'm here.
When you're not here,
she brags her head off.
What does she do?
Marvel that I can get all
of my fat under my clothes?
No, I haven't heard that one.
How do you do that?
Oh, there she is.
I see you've met.
What are you two talking about?
Just the whole damn thing,
that's all.
Honey, don't
bother him with the experiment.
He'll never understand.
I didn't say anything.
He's not like us.
I didn't tell anything.
All right, I'm ready to go.
Honey, there's some food
in the refrigerator.
Mother, you promised.
No more food talk.
All right, dear.
Be asleep when we get home.
You have that food problem, too?
So he didn't want to
stay in a hotel.
Let's not let that
ruin our evening.
Oh, it's not ruining anything.
By the way,
for later on, I, uh...
I rented that movie.
Oh, we're not watching any movies.
No, no, no.
You'll just drop me off.
What?
This is not the time for that.
When he goes back to Los Angeles,
you'll show me.
I don't want to wait that long.
When is he going back?
I don't know, but no movies--
Not tonight.
Now, please.
Beatrice, I'm sorry,
but I don't understand.
Well, think about it.
I have a 40-year-old man
20 feet away,
and I don't feel very private.
Wasn't that
one of your fantasies?
A 40-year-old man...
20 feet away...
No. That was a 60-year-old man
6 feet under.
Now I'm warning you,
he's my son,
and I don't want
to talk about it.
All right.
Let's just have a nice dinner,
and then maybe later
you'll change your mind.
I'm not going to change my mind.
No movies, no nothing,
until he goes home.
Well, we can talk about it
in the car, can't we?
That's a silly place
to talk about it.
God forbid,
what if we got pulled over?
I think you're thinking
of dirty underwear.
They don't know what
you're talking about.
Oh, don't be too sure.
When they point
those things at you,
I just wonder
what they really know.
...beef jerky,
just marinate in a combination
of soy sauce and brown sugar.
Place the meat on the trays,
you plug it in,
and that's all there is
to making beef jerky.
I learned technique.
That's why I wrote
the Warner book, Technique.
Take a look at Paul Avaloni.
Look at him-- 60-inch waist.
Look at this.
That's what we're talking about.
Right?
Look at this. Really fine.
This is perfect.
So many recipes
call for chopped onion.
That's right, and Mexican food--
Oh, I love Mexican food.
But watch how it works, ladies.
We're ready. This is great.
We've seen this once.
Look at the smile on Ari's face.
Now, Ron, you're about
3 inches from his scalp--
That's all you do.
And you're just spraying it,
like you would
a bottle of hairspray.
It's as simple as that.
Jeanette's Secret Locket.
"As I turned the corner
on main street,
the sun was shining
right behind me.
Princess Anna.
Irene Takes a Lover.
"The room was dark
except for the slash of light
that peeked through the curtains.
Irene dreaded going home.
The darkness of the house
equaled the darkness
of her marriage.
This looks good.
Unbelievable.
Ha ha ha!
Please?
Shh.
No, I'm just saying please.
Don't beg-- not here.
What if he's asleep already?
You said he's
a very sound sleeper.
That's Jeff. I don't think
this one ever sleeps.
Why don't we just go in and see,
and then if he's up, I'll leave.
Well, all right.
John?
Oh, hi.
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
Why do you have
all this stuff out?
Well, I'm just looking at it.
Well, who told you
you could do that?
That's mine.
Who told you to do that?
What right have you got
to touch my stuff?
Mother, take it easy.
I just saw the boxes
in the closet.
Mother?
I'll call you later.
I need to talk to John.
Are you sure?
I thought maybe--
That's it.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
I am very upset with you,
really.
I don't rummage
through your stuff.
I didn't do anything.
What's the big deal?
What have you got to hide?
I have nothing to hide.
These boxes are put away
for a reason.
What reason?
My reason.
All right,
I'm putting it all away.
Mother...
Mother?
Did you write all that stuff?
No. A little elf wrote it.
Of course I wrote it.
You know, the children's story
was beautiful.
I'm not sure what
you're talking about.
I've written many of those,
and that was a long time ago.
And I'll tell you something--
If I thought people would
be rummaging through this,
I don't think
I would have saved anything.
What are you talking about, people?
I'm your goddamn son.
Please.
Oh, Mother, we're 7 walls away
from another ear.
What else did you look at?
I was just looking
through the boxes
and just seeing what was in them,
that's all.
That was another part of me.
That's the past.
You know I don't like
to look back.
Your father always said,
"Never look back.
They might be gaining on you."
I think it was Satchel Paige
who said that.
So when did you do all this stuff?
It was a long time ago.
You weren't even born then.
What are you doing?
You smoke?
I'll have one once a year
when I'm feeling this way.
Boy, you really must be upset.
Look, we're actually
using the living room.
I'm going to take
all those boxes out of there.
You can have the entire closet.
We'll do it in the morning.
You don't have to
take the boxes out.
If you ask me not to look at it,
I won't look at it.
I think it'll be safer.
Oh, safer, whatever.
Take them all out. I don't care.
Honey, do you remember once
when I looked at
your high-school yearbook
and how upset you were because
of the pictures you didn't like?
You weren't looking
at my high-school yearbook.
You were showing it to everyone.
That's what I remember.
"Look, everybody.
Doesn't his head look a little big?"
Remember?
Wait a second.
It just occurred to me.
This is why I write about big heads.
Oh, blame something else on me.
I'm not blaming anything on you.
I think that's
a very good character.
He's not a good character.
You want to know why?
Yes.
You make someone
with a head that big,
but he's stupider
than everyone else.
I was just trying
to be different.
Why can't a guy have a big head
and still be stupid?
Why is his head that big, then?
Well, part of it's empty.
Honey, no God's going to create
a head that big
with nothing in it.
What about the dinosaurs?
Their heads were full.
They just had small heads.
You never saw a dinosaur
with a huge head and a little brain.
Their brain was the size
of their head.
I don't know how the hell
we got on this subject,
but you should see yourself
when you talk to me about this.
You just light up.
Boy, Mother, you must have stuffed
the creative part of you
way down there somewhere.
Oh, no. You're not going
to analyze me at midnight.
Which children's story
did you read?
The one about the flight
around the world.
That was about Amelia Earhart.
Do you remember her?
Yes, of course I do.
That was very clever,
what you did.
You took a real character,
but you turned it into fiction.
You know, that was
way ahead of your time.
Woodward and Bernstein did that.
I'm trying to think
of who that is.
It doesn't matter.
It's a compliment.
So tell me something-- where
did you learn all about this stuff?
Did you think
I was born yesterday?
You know, every child
thinks their mother
just came to life
when they were born.
I was around
a long time before you.
Well, that's the part
I'm trying to find out.
Every time I ask a question, you
don't seem to want to talk about it.
Well, it's in the past.
Stop saying that, Mother.
It's not in the past.
That past is plopped
all over our lives.
How much have you written?
Did you ever get
anything published?
No, I never published.
Your father talked me out of it.
Why would he do that?
Well, you know, dear, in those days
a woman didn't have a career.
You know, she just...
raised children who she hated
for ruining her life
and killing her chances at doing
the one thing she loved.
Well, my goodness.
I never heard it put
exactly like that,
but... yes...
I'm afraid that's true.
We did it.
We figured it out, Mother.
Look what just happened.
We know why you hate me.
We know why she hates me!
We know why she hates me
We know why she hates me
I don't hate you.
Stop it!
Sit down!
Mother, this is so exciting!
I want to hear everything.
Tell me exactly,
when did you start to write?
I started in high school,
and then I got
a scholarship to college.
Because of the writing?
Yes. That's where I met
your father, in college.
You know that.
Yeah, but I never knew
how you got there.
No kid knows what
his parents majored in.
I never told you, huh?
So no wonder
you like Jeff better.
There's no threat there.
I just have to be
a huge threat to you.
I don't like Jeff better.
But still, he doesn't
represent the writer.
I represent
what you had to stop.
Maybe you're right.
How do you like that?
Listen to me.
I'm sorry, Mother.
I wish I could have done something
to change all of this--
You know that--
But I had nothing to do with it.
But for the very first time,
for the first time,
I don't see you as my mother.
I see you as a failure...
and it's wonderful.
I'm a failure,
and that's wonderful?
All right, honey...
if that's what you need.
Mother, I'm going into town
for a little bit.
I'll be back later.
Oh, honey, listen.
I was thinking this morning.
As long as you have
your computer in there,
I don't think one phone line
is enough.
So go ahead and get
the other phone line
that you wanted
just for the computer.
Thanks, but I don't need it.
Why?
Because we're through.
We did it.
We did?
Mother, I came here
not understanding anything,
and now I understand all of it.
So just live your life, OK?
Live your life,
and I'll do the best I can.
I don't blame you
for anything anymore.
It's not your fault.
I see you as a real person.
You do?
Yes, and it's fine.
My goodness. I didn't get
that moment that you did.
You will. Don't worry.
So you don't need to stay, then?
No. I'm fine.
Go down to L.A.
Stay with Jeff.
Sleep with Charles.
Do whatever you want.
Oh...
But, Mother, just think.
From now on,
when we talk on the phone,
we don't talk as mother and son.
We talk like 2 writers.
One blocked and insecure,
one stifled and angry.
Which one am I, dear?
I forget.
So, are you going to
go back to work now?
No. I think I'm going to
take a couple of weeks off
and just enjoy this realization.
Maybe I'll even buy myself
some new clothes.
That's what I like to hear.
Do buy yourself some new clothes.
All right, I'll make you a deal.
For every new piece
of clothing I buy,
you buy one brand-new ounce
of very expensive cheese.
Does Kraft count?
Oh, Mother, that's so sweet.
Yes. Yes, Kraft counts.
I'll miss you.
I'll miss you, too, Mother.
Bye. Love you.
If it gets cold, put the top up.
Oh, my God.
John Henderson?
Yes?
Planet 7 was the best book
I've ever read.
What did you say?
Planet 7 was the best book
I've ever read.
You're kidding me.
Why would I kid you?
My God, what about Planet 8?
I loved that one, too.
You read Planet 8?
Yeah, and I read
The Day There Was No Earth twice.
Twice?
Mm-hmm.
Did you like the character
with the big hand?
I loved that character.
Are you married?
No, I'm not married.
So, where do you live?
In Los Angeles.
Well, me, too.
Why don't you follow me,
and we'll stop along the way
and talk and eat
and get to know each other.
By the time we get there,
it'll be like 5 dates.
God, that's so creative.
Um...
well, yeah,
that sounds wonderful.
That's a yes?
That's a yes.
Great.
This isn't a practical joke,
is it?
Nobody sent you here,
like my brother or somebody.
What are you talking about?
Nothing-- It's just
this liking me stuff
is all virgin territory,
that's all.
I'm not used to it.
I'll get used to it.
You'll help me.
You read the whole book...
OK, so follow me.
Follow you.
Hello?
Oh, honey, I'm working.
May I call you back?
Bye.
And here's to you,
Mrs. Henderson
Your grown son is
moving back today
Hey, hey, hey
God help him, please,
Mrs. Henderson
He looks to you
to help him with his life
He lost a wife
Again
He'd like for you
to welcome him
And make him feel at home
He needs to know
you like him coming back
He knows that you are busy
with problems of your own
But please, when you see him
Try not to attack
Ooh, ooh, ooh, please,
Mrs. Henderson
Soon your house
will add another one
It's your son
Remember, please,
Mrs. Henderson
You're the reason
why he's here at all
So, Mother, dear
Don't drop the ball
And here's to you,
Mrs. Henderson
Your grown son is
moving back today
Hey, hey, hey
God help him, please,
Mrs. Henderson
He looks to you
to help him with his life
He lost a wife
Again
He wants to get to know you
To understand his mom
He'd like to understand himself
He'd like to see just where
everything went wrong
Instead of putting
all the problems on the shelf
Ooh, ooh, ooh, please,
Mother Henderson
Now's the time
to step up to the plate
It's your fate
Ooh, ooh, ooh, please,
Mother Henderson
Destiny has given
you a call
It's time to take
Down the wall
Take down the wall
Dee dee dee dee
dee dee
Dee dee dee dee
dee dee dee