Movers Ultimate (2022) Movie Script
1
Chad!
Doing great, bud.
Almost on time for work...
tomorrow!
Do not fucking rush me, Ryan.
Stupid alarm didn't
go off last night.
You set it for PM again?
No! This bullshit dollar
store charger
crapped out in
the middle of the night.
Who's fault is that?
Whoever made
the dollar general an officer.
Dude shouldn't even
be in a boot camp.
Maybe, you know, just don't buy
your phone chargers
from the dollar general.
- Maybe you doing...
- Yeah? Maybe.
Fuck you!
Chad!
Shannon.
You stayed over?
Are you kidding? Yeah.
Did we...?
Uh-huh.
Was I conscience?
-Conscious.
-That's what I said.
I was.
-Oh.
-Nice to see you, Shannon!
- Oh.
- We're late.
Oh!
Jesus! How much did you
have to drink last night?
Not enough. I still
hate our fucking job.
You smell like my uncle.
You're uncle's a badass.
Alright, if living in
a Winnebago is
a badass, yeah.
Han Solo lived in
the Millennium Falcon.
You don't see anybody
making fun of him.
Wow!
You know, if that management
position doesn't work out,
you should really consider
motivational speaking.
I know! You're driving,
by the way. I'm out of gas.
Yeah. Shocker.
This is bullshit. We requested
the day off two months ago.
If we're late tonight,
I'm fucking quitting.
Quitting would be too easy.
We shall revolt like the
legendary outlaw Pancho Villa.
Dude, read a book.
Fuck!
Your phone is so old.
Who's Catherine?
Dude, fucking
give me that, man! Nosy.
- You trying to kill us?
Read that for me.
I'm just glad it's not Jane.
Like, for once.
So, who's Catherine? Do tell.
You know her.
She graduated with us.
Wait is this
the girl that you banged
in the stacks senior year?
I mean, you could call it sex
but, uh, I was definitely not
winning any awards
for that performance.
If it were a race,
I probably would have
had a scholarship somewhere.
"Looking forward to
seeing you tonight."
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Will probably be an early one.
Can't go all night
like I used to.
What a fucking loser!
Dude, ten years makes
everyone so boring.
I can't remember
the last time I had
a conversation with someone
that didn't start with
"So, what do you do
for a living?"
And they start
frothing at the mouth
as soon as they
get the opportunity
to they try and turn
their life's successes
into a dick measuring contest.
You tell them you're
a furniture mover?
Fuck no!
I am a furniture extraction
engineer.
Thank you very much.
Fucking ridiculous.
You meeting up
with anyone tonight?
Trina 'Double-D' Davis.
Trina. Dude, she's smart.
What is she doing
talking to you?
Like I said, I'm an engineer.
Ooh, pull in here.
You know, if we were
stopping to get gas
we could've just taken your car.
We're not getting gas.
I'm gonna stop in
and say hi to your mom.
Thank God.
Yup. Be cool. Be cool.
Fuck it.
Chad?
Shawn.
-What's up, man?
-Hey,
what's going on, man?
It's good to see you.
Yeah, you too.
What are you doing these days?
You're a mover now?
Yeah, for now.
It's whatever. It's not so bad.
You know, if you're ever
interested in coming back...
I'm fine.
Thanks.
You know, actually, it's--
They just offered me
a manager role.
So I might take it.
We'll see.
Good for you.
Thanks.
Hey, I'll, uh, tell everybody
at the station you said "Hey."
Yeah, do.
-See you around.
-See ya!
If we get the biggest move today
I'm gonna lose my goddamn mind.
Calm down! Kurt said he only
needed us for a few hours
and then he's
gonna cut us loose.
Kurt's perception of time is
looser than Kobayashi's asshole.
We've got a better chance to
crack the fucking Da Vinci code
than we do getting off
a decent hour.
"I never want to see you again.
Take your tiny dick
and stick it down
the garbage disposal.
You stupid, selfish
piece of shit."
Selfish?
Do you believe that?
I am so fucking nice.
She might come around.
-You think so?
-No.
What's up, homeboys?
-What's up?
-What's up?
Oh, look who decided to show up.
Fashionably late.
Yo, guys, that was
insane last night.
Chad, dude, that was the biggest
piano I have ever seen.
What's left of it.
Uh, alright.
See you later, guys.
Ryan.
-Chad.
-Morning, Kurt.
You're late. Again.
Are we?
You got off 6 hours ago.
You're welcome.
My office. Now!
-Hey, Kurt. Meet me!
-Okay, Kurt.
Hey, you know, I heard that.
Sorry--
Thought you said something.
Never mind.
So, here's who you're moving.
Breathe.
-Bullshit, Kurt!
-Hey!
It's a bullshit estimate.
Thirty boxes, one bed
and a dresser?
We asked what they had
and that's what they reported.
It's a 6000 square foot house.
Who the fuck has one bed
in a house that big?
-Psychopaths.
-It's none of your business
how much furniture people have.
My neighbor, Pete Granger,
doesn't use furniture.
He stands like a cow
while watching TV.
You should see his calves.
What?
Now someone has to pick that up.
I got it.
You know what?
They read some reviews
of you two online
and they requested you.
I'd take it as a compliment.
Oh, yeah?
Well, next time you get
fucked in the ass, Kurt
don't forget to turn around
and say, "Thank you" afterwards.
Look...
If corporate sees
that you get requested,
it's out of my hands.
It's corporate.
Anyway, I got this new guy
to help you out
if things go sideways.
No! I've seen the guys you hire.
They're all freaks.
And the last one
smelled like a foot.
Yeah, he, for sure
killed someone.
We do background checks now.
Anyway, this guy is different.
He's here for the summer
before he starts
a football scholarship
in the fall.
He wants to stay in shape
by being a mover.
-Dedication.
-We can try him out.
All right.
He's in the lobby.
Go introduce yourselves.
Actually, Ryan, if you could
stick around just for a second.
Now you did it.
Here, take these sleeves
with you.
-So, what's up?
-So...
As you may have heard
corporate is looking to hire
a new assistant manager.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Corporate. Lotta contenders.
Pretty, uh, stiff competition.
Uh, they asked
if you'd be interested.
Fucking Kurt!
Hey, what's up?
Are you the guy?
What?
Are you new here?
Are you the ball player?
Yeah, I, uh,
start at OSU this fall.
I'm Kip.
Dude, you're gonna get killed.
You know, I'm flattered
but I think Chad really
wanted the position.
Why the fuck did you apply here?
You can't work here if you're
on a hunger strike.
Can you even lift your dick
to take a piss?
If it's windy out today,
I am not gonna catch you.
Corporate's taking me out
to lunch today.
Well, technically, everybody
goes, but they're treating.
Golden Corral. You ever been?
Yeah.
The food makes me
a little sleepy
but best steaks ever.
And it's a buffet,
so they let you
take a couple to go.
You know, all I'm saying is:
benefits, PTO, a future.
Nobody wants to be
a mover forever.
Think about it.
And, uh, let me know
by the end of the day.
So what'd he want?
Just, uh, same old stuff.
I can't believe
he's pulling this shit.
We're gonna be out all night.
Just watch.
And then he acts
like he's doing us a favor
giving us some useless,
bitch-ass new guy?
You think he's ever even
moved furniture before?
I don't know.
Why don't we just ask him?
Hey, new guy, you ever move
furniture before?
Me? No.
Fucking told you!
Ryan, meet the towel boy.
Flat Stanley, this is Ryan.
Ryan. Nice to meet you.
Kip. Nice to meet you too.
You're playing
at OSU in the fall?
Yeah. Yeah.
Jesus, man!
You're gonna get killed.
Let's go!
You seeing
what's her name tonight?
Who?
Jane? I don't know. Maybe.
I didn't talk to her.
Oh, uh-huh. "Who?"
Idiot.
Can you call the guy?
Let him know
we're 15 minutes out.
It's a lady, actually.
A what?
Give me the paperwork.
I'll call.
-No.
-No?
What do you mean, "No"?
You're in a mood.,
I'm not in a fucking mood!
Yeah, I'm calling.
You're a pushover on the phone.
You're-- Just drive!
Pay attention.
She's hot.
What kind of a phone is that?
This, here is
the Motorola XP900.
This baby has been dropped,
slammed, ran over, pissed on...
It's even been hit
by an aluminum bat
about eighty yards.
Eighty five.
It's resilience is second only
to the Terminator.
That's crazy!
Where'd you get it?
I've had it since high school.
Still going strong
after ten years.
Wow! You're older than I th--
Yeah, Kip?
No, it's just-- you're, you're
just older than, than I...
-Oh, yeah. Keep going. Go ahead.
-No, it's just that--
-You don't look
as old as you are.
-Oh?
There's a good field ahead
where we can bury this guy.
Can you call the lady and let
her know we'll be a little late?
Yeah, already dialing.
-I didn't mean that you were--
-Kip!
One more fucking word and I will
throw you out of this vehicle
faster than you can say
VHS Floppy Disk.
What?
-New guy should call.
-Yeah.
You brought this on yourself.
Me? I, I have never done this--
You gotta learn at some point.
You said this was peed on?
Yup.
I don't like this,
dude. These houses are
pretty fucking big.
We could park our house
in these houses.
I know! Calm down.
We're not there yet.
Oh, shit!
This is it.
Wow.
"One fucking bed," my ass!
Oh, she said not to park
in the driveway.
-Really?
-Fuck that noise!
She said it's fragile cement
or something.
Why? Is, is that bad?
A little lesson.
The walking distance between
the house and the truck
is the biggest time factor
in a move.
And how much
fucking shit they have.
And how much
fucking shit they have.
Oh.
It's always something.
"Can you park in the street?
Is alright if we
add a few items?
Can you help us finish packing?
We have a Precor treadmill.
Can you help us take that apart?
Our dressers are
full of breakables.
How heavy could a hot tub be?
Did you take our dog crate?
You did?
Can you take our dog too?"
Hey, game face.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Hello.
How are you doing?
Fine. How are you?
We're doing great.
Thank you for asking--
Let's get started.
The living room's over here.
I think that's where
the biggest stuff is.
Oh. Hey, we left the door
stretcher in the truck.
Can you run and grab it?
Door stretcher?
Yeah, we need it. Thanks.
Oh, be real careful
with the leg on this table.
You guys broke it the last time.
I've never seen
that table in my life.
The last time we used
your company
the guys broke it.
-So you called us back.
-Excuse me.
May I interject?
What all in this room is going?
Everything.
-Everything?
-Everything?
Yes.
We're moving.
I told them this over the phone.
Of course you did.
What you said--
We've the moving
the inventory of all the items
that we're supposed to be taking
that was reported to our office.
Now, that number tends
to fluctuate slightly
because it's
difficult to account
for every little thing
that's in your house.
What, what we have on file
is 30 boxes and a bed.
And a dresser.
Yeah. And a dresser.
Yeah, that's part of it.
They told me I could add some
things if I needed to.
Yeah. "Some."
Yeah, okay. Let's just...
check the next room.
I'll show you the upstairs.
Motherfucking,
mother-shit-fucker!
Be careful with these walls.
They're vintage.
I couldn't find
the door stretcher.
Where'd they get this guy?
Don't worry. We won't tell Kurt.
Oh, this goes. Obviously.
Just a bedroom. Oh, there's
still some packing
that needs to be done in there.
You'll need to
take care of that first
and this is my
oldest son's room.
Oh, it's crazy!
You never realize
how much stuff you have.
Oh, Denny!
Hi, mom.
I told you to pick up in here.
I know. I was gonna. I will!
Chop, chop!
And enough
with the computer games.
Oh, smells like a good game.
And this is my daughter's room.
Oh, she'll be here soon.
So maybe do this one last.
Denny!
Are you packing?
Dude, she has a daughter.
Yeah.
Like mother, like daughter.
Be careful with my bedroom set.
It's Amish.
Oh, shit!
-What's wrong?
-What you have here is
a TechnoSleepex 6000.
Yeah. They said you could
take it apart
and put it back together for me.
Of course they did!
Because we're
professionally certified
TechnoSleepex technicians.
Okay, perfect.
We're gonna need
a second fucking truck.
It might not be so bad.
Lift that.
Jesus!
So, all this goes.
Bedroom, bedroom.
All the furniture.
Theatre room.
Projector stays.
Oh, and this goes.
Did the treadmill come in
like that or in a box?
That was so long ago.
I really can't remember.
It's too wide.
-Really? Looks like it'll fit.
-Nope!
- It'll probably need
to be taken apart.
Forget it. My husband,
he can deal with it.
Not so bad, right?
I actually think
we can get this.
Just looks like a few bolts.
I think, maybe like a...
A socket wrench
could get the job done.
What do you think?
Hello?
-Relax.
-No.
Dude.
-Bro.
-Chill.
I'm fine.
Be nice.
I am fucking nice.
Jesus.
Come with me, Rudy.
Actually, it's Kip.
-Alright, ma'am.
-Mm.
Meredith.
Excuse me?
My name is Meredith.
Ma'am?
Makes me sound like
an old woman.
Okay.
Do you mind if we go over
some paperwork, Meredith?
Mm, sure.
We're gonna need to
park in the driveway
to get this done
in a reasonable hour.
Mm, I'm really worried about
that big truck
cracking my concrete.
I promise it won't.
Mm, I'm just not
comfortable with it.
Then you're gonna need more guys
and a second truck.
And even then,
still gonna be a stretch
until we get everything
done today.
Well, how much is
that gonna cost?
A lot.
Twice the hourly rates
plus more because
you have approximately
ten times the amount of sh--
stuff than you called
into the office.
I don't know if I feel
comfortable paying that much.
Look, I can tell you now
or you could face it later
when you get the bill.
Or we reschedule.
You get a new estimate,
we have you out
sometime next week.
Oh, no.
We have to be out by today.
We have an agreement
with the buyers.
Wonderful.
Well, then you're gonna need
more guys to speed this up.
End of story.
Now, Kip. He is in training
so we aren't gonna charge you
for him being here today.
He won't break anything,
will he?
No.
But if it's just
the two and a half of us
you're gonna be stuck
watching us loading your stuff
while you eat your dinner.
I really don't feel
comfortable with this.
Ugh, this has got to be
the worst estimate
I have ever gotten.
Well, it's a two-way street.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Oh, the patio.
I forgot.
There's some stuff outside.
Super.
And we're both really excited
because neither of our folks
were really
gonna be able to
help out much with college
but we both ended up
getting full rides.
She's going to Columbia,
which is like a 12 hour drive.
So if we really have to
see each other, we can.
Isn't that somethin'?
So, how long have you
been doing this?
I don't know.
Who's counting? 6 years.
Wow. Have you always
wanted to be a mover?
Yeah, you know,
my dad was a mover
and his dad was a mover
and just keeping it
in the family.
-Really?
-No.
One day, my friend,
you'll realize
that money's a real thing.
I actually went to OSU
for a few years
but I had to bail out.
Really? How come?
My friend's mom got sick.
She was halfway across
the country at school
and I was still close to home.
I'd known her for a long time so
I offered to take care of her.
That was really nice of you.
Thanks.
Turns out that, uh...
playing nurse and school
was a little too much.
Too bad you weren't premed.
I was.
Oh. Well, that's,
that's fine. I mean--
Just keep packing, new guy.
Your true skill set
lies in your silence.
Um, I'm all out of bubble wrap.
What do I do?
I don't care.
Fuck this lady!
I don't understand
how people so dumb
can make it this far.
Please lower your voice.
Reinforcements are on their way.
Who are they sending out?
I don't know but if it's Justin,
I swear to fucking God,
I'm gonna have an aneurysm.
Justin gets winded
carrying pillows.
I'm gonna get started on
the masturbator's room.
Have fun.
Don't forget to check
for bedbugs.
Wait, I thought only poor people
got bedbugs.
There's no politics in
the choosing of their victims.
Oh, Gucci.
Don't say that.
Scoot.
I was just getting dressed.
Kip!
This one's all you, big guy.
That's crazy.
Why is there so much shit?
I'm getting anxiety.
-Hey! Hi.
-Hey, what's up?
Yeah, can I show you something?
Sure.
So, I don't think
I showed you this
when you first got here.
Boy, doing this every day.
You probably never have to
go to the gym.
Yeah. I mean, it keeps us
in pretty good shape.
I can tell.
It's an heirloom.
It's been in the family
for years.
It's really heavy
and valuable.
Okay.
How'd they get
this thing in here?
Well the last guys broke it
trying to get it in.
And we had to spend a fortune
to get it fixed.
Okay.
We'll try to be careful.
Oh, thanks so much.
The cat's in here.
Let's keep this shut.
Well?
Um, I'll just be in the kitchen.
Okay.
Okay?
Yeah.
Can't, can't wait to...
Can't wait to see me?
Can't wait to see me.
"Ryan, you look so good!"
No, I'm not working out.
Can't wait to see me.
-Woah.
-Wow.
Hi.
Uh, we're here to, like,
move your stuff.
Okay. Chad!
Yeah?
Awesome.
Meredith, Lance, Spooner.
Guys, vice versa.
-What's up?
-Hey.
-Is Kurt here?
-No, he's at another job site.
Another fucked up estimate.
Shocker!
Upstairs. Help the new guy.
He's about to have
a panic attack.
-Dude, she's hot!
-Yeah, no shit.
-She's getting divorced?
-I hope so.
-Dude, this place is sick.
-Yeah, but try not break shit.
Why the fuck did they
hire us then?
-Yo!
-What's up?
Oh, Riff-Raff.
Welcome to the party.
You, uh, looking at porn
on the job, buddy?
No. Maybe.
He can't watch porn
on that phone, dipshit.
It's old as fuck!
Son's bedroom.
End of the hallway. Go.
Help the new guy.
Do something constructive.
-So sensitive.
-I know.
Don't look at porn.
Hey, uh, I'm Kip.
Yeah, I'm--
Fucking gross! Dude,
there's tissues everywhere!
Are they hard or soft?
Dude you could play dodgeball
with these things.
Bro, this mattress is
cracking in half.
-Ryan!
-Yo!
Yeah?
Trina Davis is
with Vito fucking Bambino.
Ew! Why?
Because he's
a rich piece of shit
who buys girls drinks
until they fuck him.
He's posted a picture
with his arms around her
and her eyes are
starting to slant.
He's, he's preparing to pounce.
Whoa! She's drunk already?
What time is it?
I know that guido fuck.
He is feeding her shots,
pushing her hard
to make a terrible decision.
If they, if they leave together,
I may never recover.
Look, the only women
who sleep with Vito Bambino
are looking for a warm bed.
Trina went to Yale.
She already has a bed.
I am here carrying furniture
for a stupid-ass company
making dog-shit wage
for a bitchy customer
that's probably not even
gonna tip us.
And on top of that,
my fucking balls are chafing.
They have been chafing
since Tuesday.
We haven't gone off
earlier than 11 p.m. all week
at which point, the stores
that sell the ball cream
are fucking closed.
Chad!
What?!
We need to get to
that reunion fast.
What's up?
I have to go pick up my son
from practice.
His father was supposed to go
but he just bailed. Shocker!
So, now I have to go
and leave you here.
That's fine. Go.
Well, how long do you think
you'll still be here?
At least a couple of hours.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Well, can you at least text me
when you're close
to being done so I know?
Sure, how long are you gonna be?
Oh, God! Who knows
with this traffic?
Okay, do your thing.
How about you text me
on your way back?
-Okay.
-Okay.
Why?
To make sure we're still here.
Plus, cell phone reception's
a little spotty
when you go out of
your neighborhood.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Weird.
Denny! I'm leaving!
Okay!
Oh, hold up.
One thing you do before
wrapping dressers,
you got to make sure you
check the top drawers, alright?
If there's anything fragile,
we end up flipping these things
on the side
and hear stuff smash.
-Ugh, that's wet.
-Yo.
-She's leaving.
-Shut up.
Okay, I'm leaving.
Okay. Bye!
- Let's put that truck
in the driveway.
I mean, that would speed
things up but...
Yeah, and?
Dude, if Kurt finds out.
It's not gonna look good.
Since when do you give a shit
about what our boss thinks?
Unbelievable!
Kip, bubble wrap that dildo.
-Is it fragile?
-Nope, gonna be hilarious.
Woah! Nice.
I fuckin' knew it, dude.
Oh, God.
Holy shit, dude!
Dude, I told you, ain't no way
is that lady
making ugly children.
Yeah, except for some.
That fucker's adopted.
Oh, my God.
I would do so many things
for an over-the-pants hand job.
I can never imagine myself
settling down.
But, like, can you just imagine
coming home to that every day?
What do you think
her voice sounds like?
What? Her voice?
Yeah, is it like high pitched
and stupid or is it like
"Francesca"
I don't know who the fuck
would ever think of that.
But I guarantee you'd piss
yourself the moment
she talked to you.
-I would not!
-You would too!
Ahem, ahem.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Hey.
- We're here to
move your stuff.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Um...
You mind if I pack
some of it up first?
-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
-No problem.
Thanks.
-Get out.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, totally.
Yeah. Um.
-I, uh--
-Yeah, no.
-Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
-Yeah, alright.
I told you you'd piss yourself.
Dude, there's money there.
Wow.
Look, I just don't think
that Charlie's grandpa
telling him that if he just
wants it bad enough,
it's gonna happen
is a great message to be
sending our children.
Not to mention, that no one
seems to have a problem
with a grown-ass man
enslaving a rare breed of humans
to grow his candy.
And where'd they all come from?
Those pumpkin faces
are all dudes.
Where are the chicks?
Probably at the bottom
of the chocolate river
with Augustus Gloop.
Now that's a movie I wanna see.
Guys, there's a hot girl.
-There's a hot girl here.
-Where?
And I think she's into me.
Where is she?
She locked herself in her room.
-Lance spooked her.
-Hey, come on, man. We both did!
Dude, what are you
talking about?
You literally pissed yourself
in front of her.
-It was dripping down your wet--
-No, man!
No! That's like,
that's like pre-sex juice, man.
-How do you even--
-Hey!
Go work on the master.
We'll be there
in a minute, alright?
Dude, she checked me out
up and down.
-You get outta of our way!
-Maybe for a helmet.
-Yeah, well--
-Dude, you literally
went from 6 to 12 o'clock
right in front of her.
-Yeah, well, it's a mistake.
-Everything okay?
Yeah. Why?
You've check your phone
9000 goddamn times today.
No, I haven't.
I know what's going on.
What? What?
You're talking to Jane.
Oh, you know nothing Jon Snow.
Look, okay, I'm not--
I haven't been--
-I barely talk to her.
-Ha! I knew it!
What?
You lied to me.
That's twice now.
Like, I just asked if she was
gonna be there tonight.
Yeah, why?
We were together for six years.
Usually, when you're with
someone that long,
it's kinda, you know, normal
to be curious that they're gonna
be at the same event as you.
You split three years ago.
Put Old Yeller down already.
Old Yeller had rabies!
We have medicine for that now.
She's disrespectful.
Every once in a while,
you two have a little fling
it's usually in between dicks.
And then she
vanishes like Casper
when he sees the fucking
Ghostbusters.
Dude, you're the last person
to be giving me any kinda
relationship advice.
You think I don't know that?
My mom warned me
about people like me.
Sometimes you got to have
a pair of balls and ask yourself
if Jane is what you really think
you deserve.
Because if she's not,
sooner or later,
the right one's gonna come along
and you're gonna be kicking
yourself in the ass
for cashing in too early.
And as your friend,
let me tell you, man.
She's gonna be something.
Let's get the fuck out of here
before Trina Davis blacks out
and makes a horrible decision
with somebody that's not me.
-Time is Tequila.
-I know!
Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
No.
Where'd you come from?
Go upstairs. Help the guys.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yes.
Okay.
No. No.
Okay.
Mm-hmm. Yup. Yup.
Okay, bye!
Who was that, Danny?
Um...
My mom.
Mm-hmm. What'd she say?
She said that she will
be home in a few minutes
and she wanted to know if--
If you've finished
packing your lotion?
Oh, that reminds me.
Get me the bigger box.
Bullshit! This was not me!
You jerked it.
I hope you don't
treat your dick like that.
You always put this shit on me.
-Because it always is you.
-No!
Shut up! What happened?
-Lance broke it.
-No!
Ah! Fuck that! I'm not
taking the blame this time.
Like that time you broke
that antique sewing wheel?
-She's gonna be home any minute.
-Or that time you broke
that kid's spaceship bed.
There's glue in my toolbox.
Can you grab it?
Okay, where's your toolbox?
-There's glue in my toolbox.
Can you grab it?
-Yeah.
Or that time you broke that vase
with that dude's ashes.
-Chad, we got to move the truck.
-I-- Yeah, yeah.
You keep glue in your toolbox?
Are you kidding?
I've used it six times today.
-Oh, hey.
-Hey.
-Is everything okay?
-Yeah, we're, um, just--
Or that time you dropped
the dresser on the Pomeranian.
Dude, I don't give a shit.
That was fucking ugly anyway.
Oh, my God!
Did you guys break our heirloom?
We're gonna fix it.
It's been on my dad's side
for years.
Actually, you know what?
If it happened to fall
of the back
of the truck
on the way to the new house
I wouldn't really be that upset.
I'm sorry. We can't just make
your furniture disappear.
Um, here at Movers Ultimate,
your possessions
are our obsessions.
-Uh--
-Oh, besides that.
Yeah.
-What the hell?!
-Mom...
It's, it's okay. Don't worry.
I specifically told you not to
put the truck in the driveway!
-Ma'am, I can,
I can explain. We--
-Lance!
Stop sniffing the glue!
Frankly, I think we're doing
the world a favor.
That thing is fugly!
Oh, hi.
Did something break?
No.
Don't worry.
Her bark's worse than her bite.
Hey, John.
Hey, Chad.
-How you doing?
-Good.
John! Let's go!
Okay.
Who was that?
He used to come by the station.
Are you done yet?
I hope the guys finish upstairs.
I'll handle that.
We're loading the last item now.
Just confirm the address
and we'll pack it up.
Oh, great.
-Did you get the garage?
-Yeah.
What about back garage?
What?
Yeah.
We still have all of this.
Oh, and I changed my mind
about the treadmill.
If we could get that
that would be great.
I'll be in the kitchen.
Dude, fuck this shit!
These people are
fucking hoarders, bro! I--
Forgot my phone.
You think she heard me?
This is gonna take
another couple of hours.
Yeah, here. And then we
got to go unload it all.
It might not be so bad.
Who the fuck is this guy?
I'm gonna start taking
the treadmill apart.
Wow! Usually you get so angry.
Fuck!
Motherfucker!
Goddamn!
Hey, John.
Hey.
You see that spider on me?
That thing was huge!
-What's up?
-Nothin'.
Are you...
Is this your job now?
You're moving out, right?
Your mom said she
needed some extra muscle
to get you out of here.
Are you still a firefighter?
Yeah, you know, um...
I was doing that for a while.
I'm doing this now.
Oh, what happened?
Um...
Nothing happened,
you know, it's, um...
It's just that
it fits my schedule better.
Oh, okay.
Mm-hmm.
You, uh...
You still part of that
fire cadets program?
Yeah.
That's great.
I told my friends about you,
in school.
-Oh.
-I brought the photo from when
the class came to the station.
This girl next to me said that
she thinks you're hot.
Did she? Does she have
an older sister?
-What?
-What?
You know, I should probably
get back to this, alright?
Your mom's paying me
by the hour, so...
...got some work to do.
Okay.
Hey, John.
I'm glad you're still
doing the cadets. man.
-Thanks.
-You're gonna love it.
You alright?
I'm fine!
Gonna go talk to her.
Maybe I'll come.
So, how long have you guys
been doing this?
Uh, like, two years.
Like, two years.
Do you like it?
Yeah, dude. It's easy as shit.
Nobody gives a fuck around here.
I got three job interviews
tomorrow.
Bullshit. Where?
They're for my career.
Oh, so McDonald's, Wendy's
and Taco Bell.
I told you that I'm not going
back to fast food!
Holy fucking shit.
Dudes.
Nudes.
Oh, my God.
That's not that lady.
-I'm talking.
-I'm fine!
She needs to be
put in her place.
She's treating us like
fucking Roombas.
-Then I'm mediating.
You can mediate my foot up her--
Dude.
I know. She's cute, right?
-You think she's nice?
-Yeah.
-She actually
smelled really good.
-I'm fucking kidding.
Go talk to her.
She's busy. Besides, I just--
I just wanna get
the fuck out of here.
-Okay.
-Alright.
Hey!
Did you guys go to
the same high school?
Jesus.
What?
Sorry, did we--
Did we go to school together?
Probably not.
Well, why--
Oh.
He thinks you can't
talk to girls on your own.
Oh, I can't.
Uh, this is actually
a really big day for me.
Well, congratulations.
You should be so proud.
Thanks. Oh, uh, can you
sign a form for me
so I can get my merit badge?
How's everything going?
-Oh, great. Yeah.
-Yeah?
Yeah, my mom's killing you,
isn't she?
No.
It's okay.
There's nothing like a bunch of
complete strangers just
throwing all your
personal belongings
in an undersized truck.
The fact that no one's actually
had a complete meltdown yet
is an indication it's
a pretty good day.
Do people actually
freak out on you?
Oh, yeah. At least once a week.
Yeah, at this point,
I'm practically
an unlicensed street therapist.
Hey, lady!
Excuse me?
Oh, a-- actually, that...
Speaking of which,
-I should probably get going.
-Yeah.
Good luck with that.
I'm Ryan by the way.
Susan.
Susan, alright.
You got too much shit.
The treadmill,
it's not happening.
What's the problem?
I left my chainsaw at home.
Hey, everything okay?
I'm not sure.
Chad here, was just telling me
I have too much 'stuff.'
I was. Except,
I didn't say 'stuff.'
We are contracted to move
what you report.
So I hired two more workers.
And here we are still loading.
I cannot be in charge
of your crew's efficiency
or lack, thereof.
Fact is... is that
the trucks are almost full
and we can't safely load
the rest of your goods
without promising that
we won't break anything.
Else.
Uh, how about we all
just go outside together
and we can take a look at it.
Okay?
Okay.
Dude, this chick is smokin'.
With a nicer camera,
she can probably go pro.
I mean, her boobs
are big enough.
I don't know if she could be,
you know,
a professional pornographer
or anything.
-Porn star.
-Yeah.
The pornographer is the artist.
I can use this
as my screensaver.
I don't know, man.
It looks like she's got
a lot of acne going on.
It's a beauty mark! Dipshit!
Well, then she's got a lotta
fucking beauty marks.
This box fell.
And we were just
picking up the contents.
May I see that?
-Ye-- yeah.
-Su-- sure.
Thank you.
Don't worry about this room.
He can figure it out.
Okay, what the fuck was that?
Good enough for me.
Let's get the fuck outta here.
So I'll see you over there.
Yeah, we're just finishing
strapping down the truck
and probably right behind you.
You're insured.
Hey, numbnuts!
I say we can still make it
for the last couple of hours?
I'm gonna murder Kurt.
I'm gonna run him over
with this truck
wrap his body in furniture pads
and then dolly him
to the nearest landfill.
Man, that's probably the way
he'd wanna go.
You don't kill him
a different way.
I'm pissed!
It's disrespectful.
This company doesn't even
give a shit about us
and we're
killing ourselves for it.
I agree.
Maybe we just need
better management.
When I'm manager,
this shit's gonna change.
Just fucking wait.
I bet the other guys
are steaming right now.
-Ladies!
-Are the reason
I get out of bed
The day I stop lookin'
is the day I'm dead
-Oh, yeah.
-I'm not shy, I don't try
I don't have to magnify
the size of my...
Grades! When I was in school
I was a bad kid
If I was a character
in Toy Story, I'd be Sid
But my teacher was hot
she spoke a lot
And I thought I couldn't stop
staring at that damn jugs!
I'm juiced. I'm cuttin' loose
like the streets on downtown
I'm a horny goose
I've got no game
I'm not ashamed
It's all the same when they
look at the size of my...
Penis!
Yellow brick and brown garage?
Looks like a literal
piece of shit.
Dude, there's no way this is it.
Check the GPS again.
This is it.
This place is a dump!
What the fuck did this chick do?
Put it all on black?
Are we ready?
Yes, ma'am.
Okay, I'll start by
showing you out the back.
Out back.
Dipshit!
Okay.
Kitchen, obviously.
Living room over there.
Couches, chairs
and tables on either side.
Here and here.
Oh, my Chaise lounge, here.
Is it gonna fit?
I-I'm just saying, like,
if it doesn't fit, we, we, uh...
We, we could put it
in the garage.
We, we'd put it in--
We put stuff in the garage
when it doesn't fit.
We put, put it in the garage.
We keep telling him
he's difficult to take places.
Hmm. Yes. I measured.
Master bedroom over here.
Dude, don't!
So, you'll be happy to know that
all my bedroom furniture
is staying on the first floor.
What the fuck?
- Oh, my Gosh!
Oh, my Gosh!
- Yeah.
I hope we move them next.
Oh, yes.
I'm sure they make
thicker glass.
I'll show you
the other bedrooms.
Bedroom, bedroom.
Bedroom.
What about that big wood thing?
-Ooh, my heirloom.
-Yeah.
That goes in the master.
No attic? No basement?
No greenhouse? No gashouse?
No Zen garden?
Mm-hmm.
No second garage?
Mm-hmm. Not this time.
Great.
He's just really excited
to get started.
So I got the call
when we were in a restaurant.
-Really?
-I was talking to the guy
from OSU
and he told me that
I got the scholarship
-and then when I--
-Oh, my gosh.
When I told my parents,
they started freaking out.
-Like, in the middle...
-I can't even imagine.
...of this, like,
packed restaurant.
They were like, standing up
and cheering. It was--
-It was really sweet.
-Hey.
-That's amazing!
-Really, I cannot wait
for next year.
-It's gonna be so fun!
-I bet.
Sorry, uh...
His sharper must've slipped out.
He does that sometimes.
Oh, actually, uh,
Kip was just telling me
he's the first person
in his family to go to college.
-Really?
-That's so awesome, Kip.
Thanks. Yeah, we're all
really excited about it.
Kip! Get your bitch-ass
out here!
What did he do?
Nothing. That's just
how he talks to people.
So, uh, your room.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's, it's nothing though.
One second. Sorry.
Everything okay?
-Yeah, she's just my...
-Your girlfriend?
Not, not exactly. Uh...
Old girlfriend?
Old wife.
Oh.
Yeah, I know, right?
Uh, I'm divorced.
How hot is that?
She's just, um, I don't know.
Anyway, uh...
So where do you typically live?
Oh, my God!
That was my wall!
Great place for a poster?
-I live in Columbus.
-Your work out that way?
Not exactly.
Boyfriend?
Internship.
Hopefully, a job one day, soon.
Considering I'm the oldest
intern at the office.
You know, there's something
to be said about
age and life experience
in the workplace.
Oh, yeah? What's that?
Well, just a hunch.
But I bet you do actual work
instead of just swiping through
your phone on Snapchat filters.
You're quite the detective.
My missed calling.
Hey, uh, I promise
I usually don't do this
but would you maybe wanna go
and get a drink
with me some time?
You seem really nice. Um, but...
I don't wanna get in
the middle of anything.
I-- You wouldn't.
I promise. This is nothing.
Would you just run out
of battery already?
Thanks, though.
Where do you want
this one, big guy?
Uh, there.
Right here? Alright.
That looks heavy.
Yeah, it's pretty heavy.
Probably not for you, though.
Look at those guns, man.
Have you been working out?
You got to be driving all
the girls at school crazy.
They only do hand stuff.
I bet. Wait, what?
Left. Left.
-Right.
-Right.
Definitely right.
-Yeah.
-Right. Right.
-Right.
-Right.
-Right.
-Holy shit!
Dude, let me see this.
Dude, this is the hottest girl
I've ever seen.
Just give it.
Oh, dude!
She's an Instagram model.
-I mean, they're only on here
to like, build their brand.
-Whatever.
- Oh, yes!
- Dude! Holy shit! She likes me.
-No way! Let me see this.
-Come on, man. Get your own
Dude, no! Go back.
I wanna see her again
She has to be missing like
a fuckin' foot or something!
Hey, new guy.
What's ridin' in your pants?
Yeah, looks like
you shit yourself.
Fuckin' is Chad
always such a dick.
-Yeah.
-Sure
Let's get this.
Why?
Uh-uh. Fuck that!
Come one. Are you guys pussies?
Let's get this!
Alright. Just--
Show us what you got, new guy.
This is stupid.
Just get my back
on the way down.
Yeah, just... Fuck this.
You ready?
Aw. Chad, you're still
good with children?
-Does he you know
about your court order?
-Oh, fuck off!
I heard you finally got
the balls to talk to Susan.
Congrats on the chest hair.
That's huge.
-Oh, did you?
-Yeah.
New guy said you targeted her.
Tried to swipe his worm.
That's fucked!
-Swipe his worm?
-Mm-hmm.
Even if it were at all true,
-that analogy is complete--
-Shit!
You got it?
Yeah.
Careful with the top.
I got it.
I'm losing it
You good?
-Wait, wait, wait. Yes.
-Oh, it hurts. It hurts.
No kidding. Stop squirming.
Jesus!
I gotta-- I gotta play football.
Jesus, there's blood everywhere
What?
Kidding. Your foots' gone.
-What?
-Chad.
Alright, alright, alright.
Lift slow, lift slow, lift slow.
Shit.
Kip, you got
a compound fracture, man.
What does that mean?
It means we need to
get the boss.
Come on.
You're alright.
I gotta play.
I got to play football
-in the fall.
-I know. You're alright.
You're gonna be okay.
-I got to play!
-You're gonna be okay.
You're gonna bounce back.
He's not playing
anywhere this fall.
-He had a full ride to OSU.
-Seriously?
-Yeah.
-What's he weigh? 90 pounds?
Wet, maybe.
See ya.
Shit!
Damn!
This is where she's moving?
It's where we're
puttin' her stuff.
Hey, is she around?
'Cause she called
the office earlier
And I put on her hold
until she hung up.
Yeah. Yeah, she's inside.
Shit!
Oh, uh, how's Kip?
Ambulance just left.
Uh, Chad said he looks like
he's not gonna be playing
football next year.
Or ever.
That is a shame.
That is the sixth claim against
our insurance this month.
Fuck! Corporate is
gonna be so pissed.
How's everything else going?
This is bullshit, Kurt.
I want a raise.
Yup. Keep hammering down, guys.
-Shut up, Kurt.
-Yeah, shut up, Kurt!
Alright.
Ha-ha.
Hey, um, have you, uh
thought about that position?
No. You--
Dude, we, we've been busy--
Yeah, you know,
'cause I told everyone
you were really interested.
I think it's a really good fit.
You are practically in, bro.
Okay, yeah. Thanks!
Okay. Cool!
Huh?
Yeah, I got to go
to the hospital.
Really hope he doesn't sue.
-Hey, man, look...
-It's cool dude.
Fuck!
I thought you guys didn't have
to put things back together?
Uh, we don't.
But, uh, these beds can
be kinda tricky
and it looked like your mom
had a lot going on.
Yeah.
This whole thing's been...
really freakin' her out
the past few weeks.
Really?
Couldn't tell.
It's alright.
If you'd like,
I can help you, uh...
take a look at your bed too.
Professionally, uh.
Um, yeah.
I think I can figure it out.
Thank you, though.
Knock, knock.
Hey, boss!
Wanna get off your ass
and give me a hand?
Thanks.
-I got to go.
-That really is
just how he talks?
Yeah. It's all set.
What's up?
-What's it look like?
-You want top or bottom?
Your call, supervisor.
I'm not your supervisor.
Be careful with the mill.
There's a split in it. Okay,
boss.
I'm not takin' the job!
Why?
It doesn't feel right.
Don't be a pussy, take the job.
I'm not being a pussy,
I just don't want it.
You do. You just don't have
the balls to take it.
I mean-- Incredible!
This seems to be a recurring
theme with you these days.
This is so uncomfortable.
No. What's that
supposed to mean?
Say it.
Why? You know what
I'm talkin' about.
What? You talking about Jane?
Yeah, Jane.
You guys are together
and then you're not.
She's got you high
on cloud nine and then
she's back down
on six other dudes.
Stop talking about her
like that!
Listen to you, man.
She's turned you into
such a little bitch!
She's not even that hot.
She looks like Kurt's wife.
Is everything okay?
Fuck you, man!
Yeah.
He just needs a minute.
You might want to wait inside.
Hulk!
Can you put Bruce Banner
back on the line?
We weren't finished talking.
You know what?
You don't even know
the half of it.
So, stay the fuck out of it.
Oh, I am sorry. You loved her?
No shit, I did!
No, fuck it. I do, so what?
That makes one of you, man.
Seeing how she treats you,
that bitch is bad medicine!
You don't think I know that?
You don't think that
I spend everyday
tryin' to forget about her?
But you wouldn't know
anything like that
because the only person
you ever give a shit about
is yourself.
Or maybe it's
just easier for you
to feel sorry for yourself
than to move on.
Pump the brakes, alright?
The fire department
didn't quit you.
You quit the fire department.
So stop slumping around acting
like the world owes you shit.
Unbelievable.
-Fuck you!
-Oh.
You have no idea
where I had to go.
You don't have a fuckin' clue.
And you're over here
bitchin' and whining
about a girl.
Some fuckin' girl!
You haven't--
Have you ever had to--
You know what?
You're a crybaby.
-Fuck you, man!
-Fuck you.
If I wasn't a professional
I'd beat your ass right now.
How are you
a professional anything
when you are
a full time bitch?
Just, stay down!
Piece of shit!
We should probably do something.
Yeah.
Fuck you, bitch!
Lick my balls, bitch!
Fuck you!
It's ruined!
I'm calling your manager.
You know what?
Go for it!
Would you like to
complain about this?
Tell him it's consolation for us
taking it up the ass all day.
Technically, you're free to
phrase that however you'd like.
Hey, look.
I'm sorry about your Hutch.
There's no excuse. I promise
I'm gonna do whatever
I need to do to
get it fixed.
I shouldn't have given
a shit about that
Hutch.
Well, that'd be
convenient for me.
My ex-husband. It was his.
I thought if I held on to it,
it'd give him a reason
to come after me.
But I left him!
Why would a person
even think like that?
Oh, my God.
Look at this place.
How did I even get here?
I have gone so far backwards.
Hey.
-Hey, hey.
-Oh, my God.
-Relax.
-No. I'm fine.
I'm 28.
I have no clue what it's like
to be...
-Oh, that's so nice of you!
I'm 41.
Okay, 41.
But, we get a divorce move
at least once a week.
So this is not my first rodeo.
I, I mean, last year, I had to
move a guy into a storage unit.
What's that?
Storage unit.
You mean like a...?
Like, a storage unit.
Cement walls, single bulb
with the timer on it.
And, I mean, I helped him
plug in his mini-fridge
and everything.
Oh, my God!
But, like, the guy unloads to me
about how his, his wife had just
stabbed him in the heart
with a knife.
I think he was speaking
metaphorically.
I think.
Uh, look. The guy's broke.
Smells like a brewery, yada--
I understand.
It's, it's tough.
'Cause you're such an expert.
No, but...
I'm divorced.
Oh.
Yeah. But then, the other month
I helped this, uh,
this one couple move in
and I mean, they... They were--
They went the ringer
for a long time before
they found each other.
And they both told me how they
thought that they just
lost everything.
There I was.
I was helping the move in
to their dream home together.
Were they young?
Were they-- No!
Focus! Look...
The point is,
is that it's not over
until you say it is.
The future may seem overcast
but there's always sun
on the other side of the cloud.
Oh, that's so... stupid!
No, look. It's science. Like...
It may not be tomorrow
but one day you're
gonna be able to see it.
And after a hurricane
it's so bright that
you're gonna need a...
You're gonna need sunglasses.
The hurricane being my marriage?
Or this move?
Uh, both.
Look, you have a lot
going for you,
more than you
give yourself credit for.
Ryan.
-It's Ryan, right?
-Yeah, it is.
You guys are doing a good job.
Thanks.
Just, uh, remember that
when we give you the bill.
Looks like you're gonna
make it tonight.
Good job today, guys.
Hit me with it.
This is when we started.
This is when we finished.
This is the mileage fees.
Wow.
So, that's like the whole day.
Yeah.
Because we were here all day
and night.
You couldn't have worked
all that.
Didn't you take any breaks?
Okay, sorry.
-Where do I sign?
-Mom!
Yeah.
There's something on my bed.
-What is it?
-I don't know.
Looks like bugs.
No!
Bugs?
Dude, don't say it.
Shit!
Damn it!
Denny!
What?
What? My pimples?
Those aren't pimples.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Please tell me that is not
what I think it is.
-Dude!
-Bro, that is disgusting.
I'm gonna throw up.
No.
No.
No, no, no!
I can't get bedbugs.
Not in my new home!
Fuck! We're gonna have to decon.
-Where are they?
-Even if we only see them
on one bed
they could be anywhere.
Everywhere.
I, I can't have
my stuff in here.
Well, I can't!
I can't get bedbugs.
Not in my new house!
Put it on the curb.
I don't care.
Can you put everything
in the garage?
Ma'am, you can't guarantee
not having bedbugs
once everything's been inside.
But it'll help.
Please.
Help me.
Oh, my God!
I can get everything
treated easier
if it's all in the garage.
Please!
Help me.
Oh, this house, it's,
it's all I have.
Ma'am.
Don't call me ma'am!
I can't start over like this.
I'm gonna have to
charge you for it.
Fine! Just get them out!
Christ!
Yeah, bro. No.
Fuck that shit. Dude,
she has fucking bedbugs.
Hey, you don't have to help
but you're gonna have to spray
yourselves down anyways.
Yeah. No shit.
I was already gonna
after carrying
the son's jizz screen
of a fucking mattress.
Dude! She's going through
a divorce, man.
Goddamn fucking
gross motherfuckers.
That's the last of it.
Wow. Moving isn't cheap.
That's why it's a luxury.
What do I do now?
Call an exterminator.
Congrats on the new house.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Thanks.
I'll be sure to request you
when we move out of here.
Please don't.
Oh, my God!
We forgot the cat.
No.
Hey.
Hey.
I just, I just wanted to say
thank you
for helping with my mom.
I know that this whole thing
was a huge pain in the ass.
But, I really don't know what we
would've done without you guys.
Happy to help.
And I'm sorry about the bedbugs.
Just...
Don't.
I don't even feel comfortable
standing out here.
I swear I can feel them
crawling all over me.
-Whoa! Don't move.
-What?
Oh, my God! Get it!
Get it! Get it!
That's not funny.
-Sorry.
-Argh!
Well, um...
I should probably
go find a field
to burn these
uniforms in, so uh...
It was great meeting you.
Yeah, um...
Here's my number.
Just in case, you know,
you figure out your situation.
Thanks.
You wish.
Alright, partner.
Good seeing you.
Take care of your mom, alright?
Good seeing you too.
I'll see you around, buddy.
Later, sport.
Good luck with...
...life.
Thanks.
You guys head home.
I'll decon the trucks.
Good job today.
-Later.
-Later.
I'll do it.
You go make the last dance
or whatever the fuck
they do at a reunion.
Chad.
What?
Do you remember
Jerry Dabernackle?
Who the fuck is
Jerry Dabernackle?
We graduated with him.
When he was a skinny freshman,
he decided it was time to
step into the weight room.
How do you think he felt
after that first day?
Uh, terrible.
Kind of like when Janet Reesely
hit you in the nuts
but, probably worse 'cause
your balls didn't drop yet.
But he was determined not to be
a pussy and kept lifting.
What do you think happened?
If he was persistent,
then his scars recovered
and he got stronger.
He could barely walk
the next day.
-I believe it.
-Yeah, but he was a tough cat.
He kept lifting.
He spent all of high school
living in that weight room.
And he got stronger.
I mean, so strong
that he felt like nothing
could happen to him.
One day, he's deadlifting.
525, he's 6 foot, 190.
Uh, I mean, the guy is a tank.
Yeah, that's not bad.
Doesn't like spotters.
Hates them.
Feels like they're like erasers
on the end of a pencil.
They anticipate mistakes.
Oka, that's, that's bad-ass.
Yeah, breaks his back.
-Fuck!
-Mm-hmm.
So there he is.
Laying in his bed.
One day...
he's on top of the world.
The next...
he can't put his own socks on.
Can't wipe his butt.
What do you think he does next?
I don't know. What?
Bounces back.
Sucks it up.
Like muscle...
all pain leads to bigger gains.
So, he says "Fuck off"
to the physical therapist.
Says, "Fuck off" to his family
feeding him meals.
Says, "Fuck off" to his
best friend
who brought him a birthday case.
Wait.
We never went to school
with a Jerry Dabernackle.
Dude.
He got the gains.
But he was never healing.
Dude.
I know you're hurting.
Whatever it was that happened
I know you did your best.
I'm proud of you.
And I am lucky to know you.
And if you ever wanna
talk about it
I wanna be your spotter.
Look at me.
Even Han Solo needs Chewbacca.
You, my friend are
a rainbow in the dark.
And you're Def Leppard
with a little bit of Coldplay.
And that's fine!
-I love you, man.
-I love you, man.
It's a great band, by the way.
Mm-hmm. I know. I know.
-It's a great band.
-I know.
I fucking knew it.
Look, this manager job
I think you should take it.
If it makes you happy
-It'll make me happy.
-I don't want it.
To be honest,
I don't think either of us do.
It's convenient.
Would you rather have sex
forever with Shannon
-starting tomorrow...
-Mm-mm.
...or have sex forever
with the hottest girl
of all time...
-Mm?
-...starting ten years from now.
Honestly, I'd probably
have a hard time
only sleeping with one person.
Look, your business with Jane...
it doesn't matter that her
flute's been tuned up
by half the orchestra.
Sometimes you got to
put Old Yeller down.
And it's not her.
It's Susan from earlier.
She says...
"Thanks again."
Smiley face emoji.
My man!
Are you kidding me? Come on.
Oh, my God.
-You know what I see
when I see us?
-What?
Couple of cowboys riding
against the wind.
Last time I checked,
cowboys don't cry.
Fuck you! I wasn't crying.
I just-- I get so angry,
sometimes I bleed tears.
Well, you were bleeding a lot.
Should we stop by the hospital?
I can take care of myself.
I'm a fucking paramedic.
Oh, excuse me, Dr. Badass.
Well, technically,
I'm more bad-ass than a doctor
but, fuck you.
Hey!
What hospital do you think
Flat Stanley is in?
Should we go visit him?
Chad!
Doing great, bud.
Almost on time for work...
tomorrow!
Do not fucking rush me, Ryan.
Stupid alarm didn't
go off last night.
You set it for PM again?
No! This bullshit dollar
store charger
crapped out in
the middle of the night.
Who's fault is that?
Whoever made
the dollar general an officer.
Dude shouldn't even
be in a boot camp.
Maybe, you know, just don't buy
your phone chargers
from the dollar general.
- Maybe you doing...
- Yeah? Maybe.
Fuck you!
Chad!
Shannon.
You stayed over?
Are you kidding? Yeah.
Did we...?
Uh-huh.
Was I conscience?
-Conscious.
-That's what I said.
I was.
-Oh.
-Nice to see you, Shannon!
- Oh.
- We're late.
Oh!
Jesus! How much did you
have to drink last night?
Not enough. I still
hate our fucking job.
You smell like my uncle.
You're uncle's a badass.
Alright, if living in
a Winnebago is
a badass, yeah.
Han Solo lived in
the Millennium Falcon.
You don't see anybody
making fun of him.
Wow!
You know, if that management
position doesn't work out,
you should really consider
motivational speaking.
I know! You're driving,
by the way. I'm out of gas.
Yeah. Shocker.
This is bullshit. We requested
the day off two months ago.
If we're late tonight,
I'm fucking quitting.
Quitting would be too easy.
We shall revolt like the
legendary outlaw Pancho Villa.
Dude, read a book.
Fuck!
Your phone is so old.
Who's Catherine?
Dude, fucking
give me that, man! Nosy.
- You trying to kill us?
Read that for me.
I'm just glad it's not Jane.
Like, for once.
So, who's Catherine? Do tell.
You know her.
She graduated with us.
Wait is this
the girl that you banged
in the stacks senior year?
I mean, you could call it sex
but, uh, I was definitely not
winning any awards
for that performance.
If it were a race,
I probably would have
had a scholarship somewhere.
"Looking forward to
seeing you tonight."
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Will probably be an early one.
Can't go all night
like I used to.
What a fucking loser!
Dude, ten years makes
everyone so boring.
I can't remember
the last time I had
a conversation with someone
that didn't start with
"So, what do you do
for a living?"
And they start
frothing at the mouth
as soon as they
get the opportunity
to they try and turn
their life's successes
into a dick measuring contest.
You tell them you're
a furniture mover?
Fuck no!
I am a furniture extraction
engineer.
Thank you very much.
Fucking ridiculous.
You meeting up
with anyone tonight?
Trina 'Double-D' Davis.
Trina. Dude, she's smart.
What is she doing
talking to you?
Like I said, I'm an engineer.
Ooh, pull in here.
You know, if we were
stopping to get gas
we could've just taken your car.
We're not getting gas.
I'm gonna stop in
and say hi to your mom.
Thank God.
Yup. Be cool. Be cool.
Fuck it.
Chad?
Shawn.
-What's up, man?
-Hey,
what's going on, man?
It's good to see you.
Yeah, you too.
What are you doing these days?
You're a mover now?
Yeah, for now.
It's whatever. It's not so bad.
You know, if you're ever
interested in coming back...
I'm fine.
Thanks.
You know, actually, it's--
They just offered me
a manager role.
So I might take it.
We'll see.
Good for you.
Thanks.
Hey, I'll, uh, tell everybody
at the station you said "Hey."
Yeah, do.
-See you around.
-See ya!
If we get the biggest move today
I'm gonna lose my goddamn mind.
Calm down! Kurt said he only
needed us for a few hours
and then he's
gonna cut us loose.
Kurt's perception of time is
looser than Kobayashi's asshole.
We've got a better chance to
crack the fucking Da Vinci code
than we do getting off
a decent hour.
"I never want to see you again.
Take your tiny dick
and stick it down
the garbage disposal.
You stupid, selfish
piece of shit."
Selfish?
Do you believe that?
I am so fucking nice.
She might come around.
-You think so?
-No.
What's up, homeboys?
-What's up?
-What's up?
Oh, look who decided to show up.
Fashionably late.
Yo, guys, that was
insane last night.
Chad, dude, that was the biggest
piano I have ever seen.
What's left of it.
Uh, alright.
See you later, guys.
Ryan.
-Chad.
-Morning, Kurt.
You're late. Again.
Are we?
You got off 6 hours ago.
You're welcome.
My office. Now!
-Hey, Kurt. Meet me!
-Okay, Kurt.
Hey, you know, I heard that.
Sorry--
Thought you said something.
Never mind.
So, here's who you're moving.
Breathe.
-Bullshit, Kurt!
-Hey!
It's a bullshit estimate.
Thirty boxes, one bed
and a dresser?
We asked what they had
and that's what they reported.
It's a 6000 square foot house.
Who the fuck has one bed
in a house that big?
-Psychopaths.
-It's none of your business
how much furniture people have.
My neighbor, Pete Granger,
doesn't use furniture.
He stands like a cow
while watching TV.
You should see his calves.
What?
Now someone has to pick that up.
I got it.
You know what?
They read some reviews
of you two online
and they requested you.
I'd take it as a compliment.
Oh, yeah?
Well, next time you get
fucked in the ass, Kurt
don't forget to turn around
and say, "Thank you" afterwards.
Look...
If corporate sees
that you get requested,
it's out of my hands.
It's corporate.
Anyway, I got this new guy
to help you out
if things go sideways.
No! I've seen the guys you hire.
They're all freaks.
And the last one
smelled like a foot.
Yeah, he, for sure
killed someone.
We do background checks now.
Anyway, this guy is different.
He's here for the summer
before he starts
a football scholarship
in the fall.
He wants to stay in shape
by being a mover.
-Dedication.
-We can try him out.
All right.
He's in the lobby.
Go introduce yourselves.
Actually, Ryan, if you could
stick around just for a second.
Now you did it.
Here, take these sleeves
with you.
-So, what's up?
-So...
As you may have heard
corporate is looking to hire
a new assistant manager.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Corporate. Lotta contenders.
Pretty, uh, stiff competition.
Uh, they asked
if you'd be interested.
Fucking Kurt!
Hey, what's up?
Are you the guy?
What?
Are you new here?
Are you the ball player?
Yeah, I, uh,
start at OSU this fall.
I'm Kip.
Dude, you're gonna get killed.
You know, I'm flattered
but I think Chad really
wanted the position.
Why the fuck did you apply here?
You can't work here if you're
on a hunger strike.
Can you even lift your dick
to take a piss?
If it's windy out today,
I am not gonna catch you.
Corporate's taking me out
to lunch today.
Well, technically, everybody
goes, but they're treating.
Golden Corral. You ever been?
Yeah.
The food makes me
a little sleepy
but best steaks ever.
And it's a buffet,
so they let you
take a couple to go.
You know, all I'm saying is:
benefits, PTO, a future.
Nobody wants to be
a mover forever.
Think about it.
And, uh, let me know
by the end of the day.
So what'd he want?
Just, uh, same old stuff.
I can't believe
he's pulling this shit.
We're gonna be out all night.
Just watch.
And then he acts
like he's doing us a favor
giving us some useless,
bitch-ass new guy?
You think he's ever even
moved furniture before?
I don't know.
Why don't we just ask him?
Hey, new guy, you ever move
furniture before?
Me? No.
Fucking told you!
Ryan, meet the towel boy.
Flat Stanley, this is Ryan.
Ryan. Nice to meet you.
Kip. Nice to meet you too.
You're playing
at OSU in the fall?
Yeah. Yeah.
Jesus, man!
You're gonna get killed.
Let's go!
You seeing
what's her name tonight?
Who?
Jane? I don't know. Maybe.
I didn't talk to her.
Oh, uh-huh. "Who?"
Idiot.
Can you call the guy?
Let him know
we're 15 minutes out.
It's a lady, actually.
A what?
Give me the paperwork.
I'll call.
-No.
-No?
What do you mean, "No"?
You're in a mood.,
I'm not in a fucking mood!
Yeah, I'm calling.
You're a pushover on the phone.
You're-- Just drive!
Pay attention.
She's hot.
What kind of a phone is that?
This, here is
the Motorola XP900.
This baby has been dropped,
slammed, ran over, pissed on...
It's even been hit
by an aluminum bat
about eighty yards.
Eighty five.
It's resilience is second only
to the Terminator.
That's crazy!
Where'd you get it?
I've had it since high school.
Still going strong
after ten years.
Wow! You're older than I th--
Yeah, Kip?
No, it's just-- you're, you're
just older than, than I...
-Oh, yeah. Keep going. Go ahead.
-No, it's just that--
-You don't look
as old as you are.
-Oh?
There's a good field ahead
where we can bury this guy.
Can you call the lady and let
her know we'll be a little late?
Yeah, already dialing.
-I didn't mean that you were--
-Kip!
One more fucking word and I will
throw you out of this vehicle
faster than you can say
VHS Floppy Disk.
What?
-New guy should call.
-Yeah.
You brought this on yourself.
Me? I, I have never done this--
You gotta learn at some point.
You said this was peed on?
Yup.
I don't like this,
dude. These houses are
pretty fucking big.
We could park our house
in these houses.
I know! Calm down.
We're not there yet.
Oh, shit!
This is it.
Wow.
"One fucking bed," my ass!
Oh, she said not to park
in the driveway.
-Really?
-Fuck that noise!
She said it's fragile cement
or something.
Why? Is, is that bad?
A little lesson.
The walking distance between
the house and the truck
is the biggest time factor
in a move.
And how much
fucking shit they have.
And how much
fucking shit they have.
Oh.
It's always something.
"Can you park in the street?
Is alright if we
add a few items?
Can you help us finish packing?
We have a Precor treadmill.
Can you help us take that apart?
Our dressers are
full of breakables.
How heavy could a hot tub be?
Did you take our dog crate?
You did?
Can you take our dog too?"
Hey, game face.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Hello.
How are you doing?
Fine. How are you?
We're doing great.
Thank you for asking--
Let's get started.
The living room's over here.
I think that's where
the biggest stuff is.
Oh. Hey, we left the door
stretcher in the truck.
Can you run and grab it?
Door stretcher?
Yeah, we need it. Thanks.
Oh, be real careful
with the leg on this table.
You guys broke it the last time.
I've never seen
that table in my life.
The last time we used
your company
the guys broke it.
-So you called us back.
-Excuse me.
May I interject?
What all in this room is going?
Everything.
-Everything?
-Everything?
Yes.
We're moving.
I told them this over the phone.
Of course you did.
What you said--
We've the moving
the inventory of all the items
that we're supposed to be taking
that was reported to our office.
Now, that number tends
to fluctuate slightly
because it's
difficult to account
for every little thing
that's in your house.
What, what we have on file
is 30 boxes and a bed.
And a dresser.
Yeah. And a dresser.
Yeah, that's part of it.
They told me I could add some
things if I needed to.
Yeah. "Some."
Yeah, okay. Let's just...
check the next room.
I'll show you the upstairs.
Motherfucking,
mother-shit-fucker!
Be careful with these walls.
They're vintage.
I couldn't find
the door stretcher.
Where'd they get this guy?
Don't worry. We won't tell Kurt.
Oh, this goes. Obviously.
Just a bedroom. Oh, there's
still some packing
that needs to be done in there.
You'll need to
take care of that first
and this is my
oldest son's room.
Oh, it's crazy!
You never realize
how much stuff you have.
Oh, Denny!
Hi, mom.
I told you to pick up in here.
I know. I was gonna. I will!
Chop, chop!
And enough
with the computer games.
Oh, smells like a good game.
And this is my daughter's room.
Oh, she'll be here soon.
So maybe do this one last.
Denny!
Are you packing?
Dude, she has a daughter.
Yeah.
Like mother, like daughter.
Be careful with my bedroom set.
It's Amish.
Oh, shit!
-What's wrong?
-What you have here is
a TechnoSleepex 6000.
Yeah. They said you could
take it apart
and put it back together for me.
Of course they did!
Because we're
professionally certified
TechnoSleepex technicians.
Okay, perfect.
We're gonna need
a second fucking truck.
It might not be so bad.
Lift that.
Jesus!
So, all this goes.
Bedroom, bedroom.
All the furniture.
Theatre room.
Projector stays.
Oh, and this goes.
Did the treadmill come in
like that or in a box?
That was so long ago.
I really can't remember.
It's too wide.
-Really? Looks like it'll fit.
-Nope!
- It'll probably need
to be taken apart.
Forget it. My husband,
he can deal with it.
Not so bad, right?
I actually think
we can get this.
Just looks like a few bolts.
I think, maybe like a...
A socket wrench
could get the job done.
What do you think?
Hello?
-Relax.
-No.
Dude.
-Bro.
-Chill.
I'm fine.
Be nice.
I am fucking nice.
Jesus.
Come with me, Rudy.
Actually, it's Kip.
-Alright, ma'am.
-Mm.
Meredith.
Excuse me?
My name is Meredith.
Ma'am?
Makes me sound like
an old woman.
Okay.
Do you mind if we go over
some paperwork, Meredith?
Mm, sure.
We're gonna need to
park in the driveway
to get this done
in a reasonable hour.
Mm, I'm really worried about
that big truck
cracking my concrete.
I promise it won't.
Mm, I'm just not
comfortable with it.
Then you're gonna need more guys
and a second truck.
And even then,
still gonna be a stretch
until we get everything
done today.
Well, how much is
that gonna cost?
A lot.
Twice the hourly rates
plus more because
you have approximately
ten times the amount of sh--
stuff than you called
into the office.
I don't know if I feel
comfortable paying that much.
Look, I can tell you now
or you could face it later
when you get the bill.
Or we reschedule.
You get a new estimate,
we have you out
sometime next week.
Oh, no.
We have to be out by today.
We have an agreement
with the buyers.
Wonderful.
Well, then you're gonna need
more guys to speed this up.
End of story.
Now, Kip. He is in training
so we aren't gonna charge you
for him being here today.
He won't break anything,
will he?
No.
But if it's just
the two and a half of us
you're gonna be stuck
watching us loading your stuff
while you eat your dinner.
I really don't feel
comfortable with this.
Ugh, this has got to be
the worst estimate
I have ever gotten.
Well, it's a two-way street.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Oh, the patio.
I forgot.
There's some stuff outside.
Super.
And we're both really excited
because neither of our folks
were really
gonna be able to
help out much with college
but we both ended up
getting full rides.
She's going to Columbia,
which is like a 12 hour drive.
So if we really have to
see each other, we can.
Isn't that somethin'?
So, how long have you
been doing this?
I don't know.
Who's counting? 6 years.
Wow. Have you always
wanted to be a mover?
Yeah, you know,
my dad was a mover
and his dad was a mover
and just keeping it
in the family.
-Really?
-No.
One day, my friend,
you'll realize
that money's a real thing.
I actually went to OSU
for a few years
but I had to bail out.
Really? How come?
My friend's mom got sick.
She was halfway across
the country at school
and I was still close to home.
I'd known her for a long time so
I offered to take care of her.
That was really nice of you.
Thanks.
Turns out that, uh...
playing nurse and school
was a little too much.
Too bad you weren't premed.
I was.
Oh. Well, that's,
that's fine. I mean--
Just keep packing, new guy.
Your true skill set
lies in your silence.
Um, I'm all out of bubble wrap.
What do I do?
I don't care.
Fuck this lady!
I don't understand
how people so dumb
can make it this far.
Please lower your voice.
Reinforcements are on their way.
Who are they sending out?
I don't know but if it's Justin,
I swear to fucking God,
I'm gonna have an aneurysm.
Justin gets winded
carrying pillows.
I'm gonna get started on
the masturbator's room.
Have fun.
Don't forget to check
for bedbugs.
Wait, I thought only poor people
got bedbugs.
There's no politics in
the choosing of their victims.
Oh, Gucci.
Don't say that.
Scoot.
I was just getting dressed.
Kip!
This one's all you, big guy.
That's crazy.
Why is there so much shit?
I'm getting anxiety.
-Hey! Hi.
-Hey, what's up?
Yeah, can I show you something?
Sure.
So, I don't think
I showed you this
when you first got here.
Boy, doing this every day.
You probably never have to
go to the gym.
Yeah. I mean, it keeps us
in pretty good shape.
I can tell.
It's an heirloom.
It's been in the family
for years.
It's really heavy
and valuable.
Okay.
How'd they get
this thing in here?
Well the last guys broke it
trying to get it in.
And we had to spend a fortune
to get it fixed.
Okay.
We'll try to be careful.
Oh, thanks so much.
The cat's in here.
Let's keep this shut.
Well?
Um, I'll just be in the kitchen.
Okay.
Okay?
Yeah.
Can't, can't wait to...
Can't wait to see me?
Can't wait to see me.
"Ryan, you look so good!"
No, I'm not working out.
Can't wait to see me.
-Woah.
-Wow.
Hi.
Uh, we're here to, like,
move your stuff.
Okay. Chad!
Yeah?
Awesome.
Meredith, Lance, Spooner.
Guys, vice versa.
-What's up?
-Hey.
-Is Kurt here?
-No, he's at another job site.
Another fucked up estimate.
Shocker!
Upstairs. Help the new guy.
He's about to have
a panic attack.
-Dude, she's hot!
-Yeah, no shit.
-She's getting divorced?
-I hope so.
-Dude, this place is sick.
-Yeah, but try not break shit.
Why the fuck did they
hire us then?
-Yo!
-What's up?
Oh, Riff-Raff.
Welcome to the party.
You, uh, looking at porn
on the job, buddy?
No. Maybe.
He can't watch porn
on that phone, dipshit.
It's old as fuck!
Son's bedroom.
End of the hallway. Go.
Help the new guy.
Do something constructive.
-So sensitive.
-I know.
Don't look at porn.
Hey, uh, I'm Kip.
Yeah, I'm--
Fucking gross! Dude,
there's tissues everywhere!
Are they hard or soft?
Dude you could play dodgeball
with these things.
Bro, this mattress is
cracking in half.
-Ryan!
-Yo!
Yeah?
Trina Davis is
with Vito fucking Bambino.
Ew! Why?
Because he's
a rich piece of shit
who buys girls drinks
until they fuck him.
He's posted a picture
with his arms around her
and her eyes are
starting to slant.
He's, he's preparing to pounce.
Whoa! She's drunk already?
What time is it?
I know that guido fuck.
He is feeding her shots,
pushing her hard
to make a terrible decision.
If they, if they leave together,
I may never recover.
Look, the only women
who sleep with Vito Bambino
are looking for a warm bed.
Trina went to Yale.
She already has a bed.
I am here carrying furniture
for a stupid-ass company
making dog-shit wage
for a bitchy customer
that's probably not even
gonna tip us.
And on top of that,
my fucking balls are chafing.
They have been chafing
since Tuesday.
We haven't gone off
earlier than 11 p.m. all week
at which point, the stores
that sell the ball cream
are fucking closed.
Chad!
What?!
We need to get to
that reunion fast.
What's up?
I have to go pick up my son
from practice.
His father was supposed to go
but he just bailed. Shocker!
So, now I have to go
and leave you here.
That's fine. Go.
Well, how long do you think
you'll still be here?
At least a couple of hours.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Well, can you at least text me
when you're close
to being done so I know?
Sure, how long are you gonna be?
Oh, God! Who knows
with this traffic?
Okay, do your thing.
How about you text me
on your way back?
-Okay.
-Okay.
Why?
To make sure we're still here.
Plus, cell phone reception's
a little spotty
when you go out of
your neighborhood.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Weird.
Denny! I'm leaving!
Okay!
Oh, hold up.
One thing you do before
wrapping dressers,
you got to make sure you
check the top drawers, alright?
If there's anything fragile,
we end up flipping these things
on the side
and hear stuff smash.
-Ugh, that's wet.
-Yo.
-She's leaving.
-Shut up.
Okay, I'm leaving.
Okay. Bye!
- Let's put that truck
in the driveway.
I mean, that would speed
things up but...
Yeah, and?
Dude, if Kurt finds out.
It's not gonna look good.
Since when do you give a shit
about what our boss thinks?
Unbelievable!
Kip, bubble wrap that dildo.
-Is it fragile?
-Nope, gonna be hilarious.
Woah! Nice.
I fuckin' knew it, dude.
Oh, God.
Holy shit, dude!
Dude, I told you, ain't no way
is that lady
making ugly children.
Yeah, except for some.
That fucker's adopted.
Oh, my God.
I would do so many things
for an over-the-pants hand job.
I can never imagine myself
settling down.
But, like, can you just imagine
coming home to that every day?
What do you think
her voice sounds like?
What? Her voice?
Yeah, is it like high pitched
and stupid or is it like
"Francesca"
I don't know who the fuck
would ever think of that.
But I guarantee you'd piss
yourself the moment
she talked to you.
-I would not!
-You would too!
Ahem, ahem.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Hey.
- We're here to
move your stuff.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Um...
You mind if I pack
some of it up first?
-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
-No problem.
Thanks.
-Get out.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, totally.
Yeah. Um.
-I, uh--
-Yeah, no.
-Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
-Yeah, alright.
I told you you'd piss yourself.
Dude, there's money there.
Wow.
Look, I just don't think
that Charlie's grandpa
telling him that if he just
wants it bad enough,
it's gonna happen
is a great message to be
sending our children.
Not to mention, that no one
seems to have a problem
with a grown-ass man
enslaving a rare breed of humans
to grow his candy.
And where'd they all come from?
Those pumpkin faces
are all dudes.
Where are the chicks?
Probably at the bottom
of the chocolate river
with Augustus Gloop.
Now that's a movie I wanna see.
Guys, there's a hot girl.
-There's a hot girl here.
-Where?
And I think she's into me.
Where is she?
She locked herself in her room.
-Lance spooked her.
-Hey, come on, man. We both did!
Dude, what are you
talking about?
You literally pissed yourself
in front of her.
-It was dripping down your wet--
-No, man!
No! That's like,
that's like pre-sex juice, man.
-How do you even--
-Hey!
Go work on the master.
We'll be there
in a minute, alright?
Dude, she checked me out
up and down.
-You get outta of our way!
-Maybe for a helmet.
-Yeah, well--
-Dude, you literally
went from 6 to 12 o'clock
right in front of her.
-Yeah, well, it's a mistake.
-Everything okay?
Yeah. Why?
You've check your phone
9000 goddamn times today.
No, I haven't.
I know what's going on.
What? What?
You're talking to Jane.
Oh, you know nothing Jon Snow.
Look, okay, I'm not--
I haven't been--
-I barely talk to her.
-Ha! I knew it!
What?
You lied to me.
That's twice now.
Like, I just asked if she was
gonna be there tonight.
Yeah, why?
We were together for six years.
Usually, when you're with
someone that long,
it's kinda, you know, normal
to be curious that they're gonna
be at the same event as you.
You split three years ago.
Put Old Yeller down already.
Old Yeller had rabies!
We have medicine for that now.
She's disrespectful.
Every once in a while,
you two have a little fling
it's usually in between dicks.
And then she
vanishes like Casper
when he sees the fucking
Ghostbusters.
Dude, you're the last person
to be giving me any kinda
relationship advice.
You think I don't know that?
My mom warned me
about people like me.
Sometimes you got to have
a pair of balls and ask yourself
if Jane is what you really think
you deserve.
Because if she's not,
sooner or later,
the right one's gonna come along
and you're gonna be kicking
yourself in the ass
for cashing in too early.
And as your friend,
let me tell you, man.
She's gonna be something.
Let's get the fuck out of here
before Trina Davis blacks out
and makes a horrible decision
with somebody that's not me.
-Time is Tequila.
-I know!
Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
No.
Where'd you come from?
Go upstairs. Help the guys.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yes.
Okay.
No. No.
Okay.
Mm-hmm. Yup. Yup.
Okay, bye!
Who was that, Danny?
Um...
My mom.
Mm-hmm. What'd she say?
She said that she will
be home in a few minutes
and she wanted to know if--
If you've finished
packing your lotion?
Oh, that reminds me.
Get me the bigger box.
Bullshit! This was not me!
You jerked it.
I hope you don't
treat your dick like that.
You always put this shit on me.
-Because it always is you.
-No!
Shut up! What happened?
-Lance broke it.
-No!
Ah! Fuck that! I'm not
taking the blame this time.
Like that time you broke
that antique sewing wheel?
-She's gonna be home any minute.
-Or that time you broke
that kid's spaceship bed.
There's glue in my toolbox.
Can you grab it?
Okay, where's your toolbox?
-There's glue in my toolbox.
Can you grab it?
-Yeah.
Or that time you broke that vase
with that dude's ashes.
-Chad, we got to move the truck.
-I-- Yeah, yeah.
You keep glue in your toolbox?
Are you kidding?
I've used it six times today.
-Oh, hey.
-Hey.
-Is everything okay?
-Yeah, we're, um, just--
Or that time you dropped
the dresser on the Pomeranian.
Dude, I don't give a shit.
That was fucking ugly anyway.
Oh, my God!
Did you guys break our heirloom?
We're gonna fix it.
It's been on my dad's side
for years.
Actually, you know what?
If it happened to fall
of the back
of the truck
on the way to the new house
I wouldn't really be that upset.
I'm sorry. We can't just make
your furniture disappear.
Um, here at Movers Ultimate,
your possessions
are our obsessions.
-Uh--
-Oh, besides that.
Yeah.
-What the hell?!
-Mom...
It's, it's okay. Don't worry.
I specifically told you not to
put the truck in the driveway!
-Ma'am, I can,
I can explain. We--
-Lance!
Stop sniffing the glue!
Frankly, I think we're doing
the world a favor.
That thing is fugly!
Oh, hi.
Did something break?
No.
Don't worry.
Her bark's worse than her bite.
Hey, John.
Hey, Chad.
-How you doing?
-Good.
John! Let's go!
Okay.
Who was that?
He used to come by the station.
Are you done yet?
I hope the guys finish upstairs.
I'll handle that.
We're loading the last item now.
Just confirm the address
and we'll pack it up.
Oh, great.
-Did you get the garage?
-Yeah.
What about back garage?
What?
Yeah.
We still have all of this.
Oh, and I changed my mind
about the treadmill.
If we could get that
that would be great.
I'll be in the kitchen.
Dude, fuck this shit!
These people are
fucking hoarders, bro! I--
Forgot my phone.
You think she heard me?
This is gonna take
another couple of hours.
Yeah, here. And then we
got to go unload it all.
It might not be so bad.
Who the fuck is this guy?
I'm gonna start taking
the treadmill apart.
Wow! Usually you get so angry.
Fuck!
Motherfucker!
Goddamn!
Hey, John.
Hey.
You see that spider on me?
That thing was huge!
-What's up?
-Nothin'.
Are you...
Is this your job now?
You're moving out, right?
Your mom said she
needed some extra muscle
to get you out of here.
Are you still a firefighter?
Yeah, you know, um...
I was doing that for a while.
I'm doing this now.
Oh, what happened?
Um...
Nothing happened,
you know, it's, um...
It's just that
it fits my schedule better.
Oh, okay.
Mm-hmm.
You, uh...
You still part of that
fire cadets program?
Yeah.
That's great.
I told my friends about you,
in school.
-Oh.
-I brought the photo from when
the class came to the station.
This girl next to me said that
she thinks you're hot.
Did she? Does she have
an older sister?
-What?
-What?
You know, I should probably
get back to this, alright?
Your mom's paying me
by the hour, so...
...got some work to do.
Okay.
Hey, John.
I'm glad you're still
doing the cadets. man.
-Thanks.
-You're gonna love it.
You alright?
I'm fine!
Gonna go talk to her.
Maybe I'll come.
So, how long have you guys
been doing this?
Uh, like, two years.
Like, two years.
Do you like it?
Yeah, dude. It's easy as shit.
Nobody gives a fuck around here.
I got three job interviews
tomorrow.
Bullshit. Where?
They're for my career.
Oh, so McDonald's, Wendy's
and Taco Bell.
I told you that I'm not going
back to fast food!
Holy fucking shit.
Dudes.
Nudes.
Oh, my God.
That's not that lady.
-I'm talking.
-I'm fine!
She needs to be
put in her place.
She's treating us like
fucking Roombas.
-Then I'm mediating.
You can mediate my foot up her--
Dude.
I know. She's cute, right?
-You think she's nice?
-Yeah.
-She actually
smelled really good.
-I'm fucking kidding.
Go talk to her.
She's busy. Besides, I just--
I just wanna get
the fuck out of here.
-Okay.
-Alright.
Hey!
Did you guys go to
the same high school?
Jesus.
What?
Sorry, did we--
Did we go to school together?
Probably not.
Well, why--
Oh.
He thinks you can't
talk to girls on your own.
Oh, I can't.
Uh, this is actually
a really big day for me.
Well, congratulations.
You should be so proud.
Thanks. Oh, uh, can you
sign a form for me
so I can get my merit badge?
How's everything going?
-Oh, great. Yeah.
-Yeah?
Yeah, my mom's killing you,
isn't she?
No.
It's okay.
There's nothing like a bunch of
complete strangers just
throwing all your
personal belongings
in an undersized truck.
The fact that no one's actually
had a complete meltdown yet
is an indication it's
a pretty good day.
Do people actually
freak out on you?
Oh, yeah. At least once a week.
Yeah, at this point,
I'm practically
an unlicensed street therapist.
Hey, lady!
Excuse me?
Oh, a-- actually, that...
Speaking of which,
-I should probably get going.
-Yeah.
Good luck with that.
I'm Ryan by the way.
Susan.
Susan, alright.
You got too much shit.
The treadmill,
it's not happening.
What's the problem?
I left my chainsaw at home.
Hey, everything okay?
I'm not sure.
Chad here, was just telling me
I have too much 'stuff.'
I was. Except,
I didn't say 'stuff.'
We are contracted to move
what you report.
So I hired two more workers.
And here we are still loading.
I cannot be in charge
of your crew's efficiency
or lack, thereof.
Fact is... is that
the trucks are almost full
and we can't safely load
the rest of your goods
without promising that
we won't break anything.
Else.
Uh, how about we all
just go outside together
and we can take a look at it.
Okay?
Okay.
Dude, this chick is smokin'.
With a nicer camera,
she can probably go pro.
I mean, her boobs
are big enough.
I don't know if she could be,
you know,
a professional pornographer
or anything.
-Porn star.
-Yeah.
The pornographer is the artist.
I can use this
as my screensaver.
I don't know, man.
It looks like she's got
a lot of acne going on.
It's a beauty mark! Dipshit!
Well, then she's got a lotta
fucking beauty marks.
This box fell.
And we were just
picking up the contents.
May I see that?
-Ye-- yeah.
-Su-- sure.
Thank you.
Don't worry about this room.
He can figure it out.
Okay, what the fuck was that?
Good enough for me.
Let's get the fuck outta here.
So I'll see you over there.
Yeah, we're just finishing
strapping down the truck
and probably right behind you.
You're insured.
Hey, numbnuts!
I say we can still make it
for the last couple of hours?
I'm gonna murder Kurt.
I'm gonna run him over
with this truck
wrap his body in furniture pads
and then dolly him
to the nearest landfill.
Man, that's probably the way
he'd wanna go.
You don't kill him
a different way.
I'm pissed!
It's disrespectful.
This company doesn't even
give a shit about us
and we're
killing ourselves for it.
I agree.
Maybe we just need
better management.
When I'm manager,
this shit's gonna change.
Just fucking wait.
I bet the other guys
are steaming right now.
-Ladies!
-Are the reason
I get out of bed
The day I stop lookin'
is the day I'm dead
-Oh, yeah.
-I'm not shy, I don't try
I don't have to magnify
the size of my...
Grades! When I was in school
I was a bad kid
If I was a character
in Toy Story, I'd be Sid
But my teacher was hot
she spoke a lot
And I thought I couldn't stop
staring at that damn jugs!
I'm juiced. I'm cuttin' loose
like the streets on downtown
I'm a horny goose
I've got no game
I'm not ashamed
It's all the same when they
look at the size of my...
Penis!
Yellow brick and brown garage?
Looks like a literal
piece of shit.
Dude, there's no way this is it.
Check the GPS again.
This is it.
This place is a dump!
What the fuck did this chick do?
Put it all on black?
Are we ready?
Yes, ma'am.
Okay, I'll start by
showing you out the back.
Out back.
Dipshit!
Okay.
Kitchen, obviously.
Living room over there.
Couches, chairs
and tables on either side.
Here and here.
Oh, my Chaise lounge, here.
Is it gonna fit?
I-I'm just saying, like,
if it doesn't fit, we, we, uh...
We, we could put it
in the garage.
We, we'd put it in--
We put stuff in the garage
when it doesn't fit.
We put, put it in the garage.
We keep telling him
he's difficult to take places.
Hmm. Yes. I measured.
Master bedroom over here.
Dude, don't!
So, you'll be happy to know that
all my bedroom furniture
is staying on the first floor.
What the fuck?
- Oh, my Gosh!
Oh, my Gosh!
- Yeah.
I hope we move them next.
Oh, yes.
I'm sure they make
thicker glass.
I'll show you
the other bedrooms.
Bedroom, bedroom.
Bedroom.
What about that big wood thing?
-Ooh, my heirloom.
-Yeah.
That goes in the master.
No attic? No basement?
No greenhouse? No gashouse?
No Zen garden?
Mm-hmm.
No second garage?
Mm-hmm. Not this time.
Great.
He's just really excited
to get started.
So I got the call
when we were in a restaurant.
-Really?
-I was talking to the guy
from OSU
and he told me that
I got the scholarship
-and then when I--
-Oh, my gosh.
When I told my parents,
they started freaking out.
-Like, in the middle...
-I can't even imagine.
...of this, like,
packed restaurant.
They were like, standing up
and cheering. It was--
-It was really sweet.
-Hey.
-That's amazing!
-Really, I cannot wait
for next year.
-It's gonna be so fun!
-I bet.
Sorry, uh...
His sharper must've slipped out.
He does that sometimes.
Oh, actually, uh,
Kip was just telling me
he's the first person
in his family to go to college.
-Really?
-That's so awesome, Kip.
Thanks. Yeah, we're all
really excited about it.
Kip! Get your bitch-ass
out here!
What did he do?
Nothing. That's just
how he talks to people.
So, uh, your room.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's, it's nothing though.
One second. Sorry.
Everything okay?
-Yeah, she's just my...
-Your girlfriend?
Not, not exactly. Uh...
Old girlfriend?
Old wife.
Oh.
Yeah, I know, right?
Uh, I'm divorced.
How hot is that?
She's just, um, I don't know.
Anyway, uh...
So where do you typically live?
Oh, my God!
That was my wall!
Great place for a poster?
-I live in Columbus.
-Your work out that way?
Not exactly.
Boyfriend?
Internship.
Hopefully, a job one day, soon.
Considering I'm the oldest
intern at the office.
You know, there's something
to be said about
age and life experience
in the workplace.
Oh, yeah? What's that?
Well, just a hunch.
But I bet you do actual work
instead of just swiping through
your phone on Snapchat filters.
You're quite the detective.
My missed calling.
Hey, uh, I promise
I usually don't do this
but would you maybe wanna go
and get a drink
with me some time?
You seem really nice. Um, but...
I don't wanna get in
the middle of anything.
I-- You wouldn't.
I promise. This is nothing.
Would you just run out
of battery already?
Thanks, though.
Where do you want
this one, big guy?
Uh, there.
Right here? Alright.
That looks heavy.
Yeah, it's pretty heavy.
Probably not for you, though.
Look at those guns, man.
Have you been working out?
You got to be driving all
the girls at school crazy.
They only do hand stuff.
I bet. Wait, what?
Left. Left.
-Right.
-Right.
Definitely right.
-Yeah.
-Right. Right.
-Right.
-Right.
-Right.
-Holy shit!
Dude, let me see this.
Dude, this is the hottest girl
I've ever seen.
Just give it.
Oh, dude!
She's an Instagram model.
-I mean, they're only on here
to like, build their brand.
-Whatever.
- Oh, yes!
- Dude! Holy shit! She likes me.
-No way! Let me see this.
-Come on, man. Get your own
Dude, no! Go back.
I wanna see her again
She has to be missing like
a fuckin' foot or something!
Hey, new guy.
What's ridin' in your pants?
Yeah, looks like
you shit yourself.
Fuckin' is Chad
always such a dick.
-Yeah.
-Sure
Let's get this.
Why?
Uh-uh. Fuck that!
Come one. Are you guys pussies?
Let's get this!
Alright. Just--
Show us what you got, new guy.
This is stupid.
Just get my back
on the way down.
Yeah, just... Fuck this.
You ready?
Aw. Chad, you're still
good with children?
-Does he you know
about your court order?
-Oh, fuck off!
I heard you finally got
the balls to talk to Susan.
Congrats on the chest hair.
That's huge.
-Oh, did you?
-Yeah.
New guy said you targeted her.
Tried to swipe his worm.
That's fucked!
-Swipe his worm?
-Mm-hmm.
Even if it were at all true,
-that analogy is complete--
-Shit!
You got it?
Yeah.
Careful with the top.
I got it.
I'm losing it
You good?
-Wait, wait, wait. Yes.
-Oh, it hurts. It hurts.
No kidding. Stop squirming.
Jesus!
I gotta-- I gotta play football.
Jesus, there's blood everywhere
What?
Kidding. Your foots' gone.
-What?
-Chad.
Alright, alright, alright.
Lift slow, lift slow, lift slow.
Shit.
Kip, you got
a compound fracture, man.
What does that mean?
It means we need to
get the boss.
Come on.
You're alright.
I gotta play.
I got to play football
-in the fall.
-I know. You're alright.
You're gonna be okay.
-I got to play!
-You're gonna be okay.
You're gonna bounce back.
He's not playing
anywhere this fall.
-He had a full ride to OSU.
-Seriously?
-Yeah.
-What's he weigh? 90 pounds?
Wet, maybe.
See ya.
Shit!
Damn!
This is where she's moving?
It's where we're
puttin' her stuff.
Hey, is she around?
'Cause she called
the office earlier
And I put on her hold
until she hung up.
Yeah. Yeah, she's inside.
Shit!
Oh, uh, how's Kip?
Ambulance just left.
Uh, Chad said he looks like
he's not gonna be playing
football next year.
Or ever.
That is a shame.
That is the sixth claim against
our insurance this month.
Fuck! Corporate is
gonna be so pissed.
How's everything else going?
This is bullshit, Kurt.
I want a raise.
Yup. Keep hammering down, guys.
-Shut up, Kurt.
-Yeah, shut up, Kurt!
Alright.
Ha-ha.
Hey, um, have you, uh
thought about that position?
No. You--
Dude, we, we've been busy--
Yeah, you know,
'cause I told everyone
you were really interested.
I think it's a really good fit.
You are practically in, bro.
Okay, yeah. Thanks!
Okay. Cool!
Huh?
Yeah, I got to go
to the hospital.
Really hope he doesn't sue.
-Hey, man, look...
-It's cool dude.
Fuck!
I thought you guys didn't have
to put things back together?
Uh, we don't.
But, uh, these beds can
be kinda tricky
and it looked like your mom
had a lot going on.
Yeah.
This whole thing's been...
really freakin' her out
the past few weeks.
Really?
Couldn't tell.
It's alright.
If you'd like,
I can help you, uh...
take a look at your bed too.
Professionally, uh.
Um, yeah.
I think I can figure it out.
Thank you, though.
Knock, knock.
Hey, boss!
Wanna get off your ass
and give me a hand?
Thanks.
-I got to go.
-That really is
just how he talks?
Yeah. It's all set.
What's up?
-What's it look like?
-You want top or bottom?
Your call, supervisor.
I'm not your supervisor.
Be careful with the mill.
There's a split in it. Okay,
boss.
I'm not takin' the job!
Why?
It doesn't feel right.
Don't be a pussy, take the job.
I'm not being a pussy,
I just don't want it.
You do. You just don't have
the balls to take it.
I mean-- Incredible!
This seems to be a recurring
theme with you these days.
This is so uncomfortable.
No. What's that
supposed to mean?
Say it.
Why? You know what
I'm talkin' about.
What? You talking about Jane?
Yeah, Jane.
You guys are together
and then you're not.
She's got you high
on cloud nine and then
she's back down
on six other dudes.
Stop talking about her
like that!
Listen to you, man.
She's turned you into
such a little bitch!
She's not even that hot.
She looks like Kurt's wife.
Is everything okay?
Fuck you, man!
Yeah.
He just needs a minute.
You might want to wait inside.
Hulk!
Can you put Bruce Banner
back on the line?
We weren't finished talking.
You know what?
You don't even know
the half of it.
So, stay the fuck out of it.
Oh, I am sorry. You loved her?
No shit, I did!
No, fuck it. I do, so what?
That makes one of you, man.
Seeing how she treats you,
that bitch is bad medicine!
You don't think I know that?
You don't think that
I spend everyday
tryin' to forget about her?
But you wouldn't know
anything like that
because the only person
you ever give a shit about
is yourself.
Or maybe it's
just easier for you
to feel sorry for yourself
than to move on.
Pump the brakes, alright?
The fire department
didn't quit you.
You quit the fire department.
So stop slumping around acting
like the world owes you shit.
Unbelievable.
-Fuck you!
-Oh.
You have no idea
where I had to go.
You don't have a fuckin' clue.
And you're over here
bitchin' and whining
about a girl.
Some fuckin' girl!
You haven't--
Have you ever had to--
You know what?
You're a crybaby.
-Fuck you, man!
-Fuck you.
If I wasn't a professional
I'd beat your ass right now.
How are you
a professional anything
when you are
a full time bitch?
Just, stay down!
Piece of shit!
We should probably do something.
Yeah.
Fuck you, bitch!
Lick my balls, bitch!
Fuck you!
It's ruined!
I'm calling your manager.
You know what?
Go for it!
Would you like to
complain about this?
Tell him it's consolation for us
taking it up the ass all day.
Technically, you're free to
phrase that however you'd like.
Hey, look.
I'm sorry about your Hutch.
There's no excuse. I promise
I'm gonna do whatever
I need to do to
get it fixed.
I shouldn't have given
a shit about that
Hutch.
Well, that'd be
convenient for me.
My ex-husband. It was his.
I thought if I held on to it,
it'd give him a reason
to come after me.
But I left him!
Why would a person
even think like that?
Oh, my God.
Look at this place.
How did I even get here?
I have gone so far backwards.
Hey.
-Hey, hey.
-Oh, my God.
-Relax.
-No. I'm fine.
I'm 28.
I have no clue what it's like
to be...
-Oh, that's so nice of you!
I'm 41.
Okay, 41.
But, we get a divorce move
at least once a week.
So this is not my first rodeo.
I, I mean, last year, I had to
move a guy into a storage unit.
What's that?
Storage unit.
You mean like a...?
Like, a storage unit.
Cement walls, single bulb
with the timer on it.
And, I mean, I helped him
plug in his mini-fridge
and everything.
Oh, my God!
But, like, the guy unloads to me
about how his, his wife had just
stabbed him in the heart
with a knife.
I think he was speaking
metaphorically.
I think.
Uh, look. The guy's broke.
Smells like a brewery, yada--
I understand.
It's, it's tough.
'Cause you're such an expert.
No, but...
I'm divorced.
Oh.
Yeah. But then, the other month
I helped this, uh,
this one couple move in
and I mean, they... They were--
They went the ringer
for a long time before
they found each other.
And they both told me how they
thought that they just
lost everything.
There I was.
I was helping the move in
to their dream home together.
Were they young?
Were they-- No!
Focus! Look...
The point is,
is that it's not over
until you say it is.
The future may seem overcast
but there's always sun
on the other side of the cloud.
Oh, that's so... stupid!
No, look. It's science. Like...
It may not be tomorrow
but one day you're
gonna be able to see it.
And after a hurricane
it's so bright that
you're gonna need a...
You're gonna need sunglasses.
The hurricane being my marriage?
Or this move?
Uh, both.
Look, you have a lot
going for you,
more than you
give yourself credit for.
Ryan.
-It's Ryan, right?
-Yeah, it is.
You guys are doing a good job.
Thanks.
Just, uh, remember that
when we give you the bill.
Looks like you're gonna
make it tonight.
Good job today, guys.
Hit me with it.
This is when we started.
This is when we finished.
This is the mileage fees.
Wow.
So, that's like the whole day.
Yeah.
Because we were here all day
and night.
You couldn't have worked
all that.
Didn't you take any breaks?
Okay, sorry.
-Where do I sign?
-Mom!
Yeah.
There's something on my bed.
-What is it?
-I don't know.
Looks like bugs.
No!
Bugs?
Dude, don't say it.
Shit!
Damn it!
Denny!
What?
What? My pimples?
Those aren't pimples.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Please tell me that is not
what I think it is.
-Dude!
-Bro, that is disgusting.
I'm gonna throw up.
No.
No.
No, no, no!
I can't get bedbugs.
Not in my new home!
Fuck! We're gonna have to decon.
-Where are they?
-Even if we only see them
on one bed
they could be anywhere.
Everywhere.
I, I can't have
my stuff in here.
Well, I can't!
I can't get bedbugs.
Not in my new house!
Put it on the curb.
I don't care.
Can you put everything
in the garage?
Ma'am, you can't guarantee
not having bedbugs
once everything's been inside.
But it'll help.
Please.
Help me.
Oh, my God!
I can get everything
treated easier
if it's all in the garage.
Please!
Help me.
Oh, this house, it's,
it's all I have.
Ma'am.
Don't call me ma'am!
I can't start over like this.
I'm gonna have to
charge you for it.
Fine! Just get them out!
Christ!
Yeah, bro. No.
Fuck that shit. Dude,
she has fucking bedbugs.
Hey, you don't have to help
but you're gonna have to spray
yourselves down anyways.
Yeah. No shit.
I was already gonna
after carrying
the son's jizz screen
of a fucking mattress.
Dude! She's going through
a divorce, man.
Goddamn fucking
gross motherfuckers.
That's the last of it.
Wow. Moving isn't cheap.
That's why it's a luxury.
What do I do now?
Call an exterminator.
Congrats on the new house.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Thanks.
I'll be sure to request you
when we move out of here.
Please don't.
Oh, my God!
We forgot the cat.
No.
Hey.
Hey.
I just, I just wanted to say
thank you
for helping with my mom.
I know that this whole thing
was a huge pain in the ass.
But, I really don't know what we
would've done without you guys.
Happy to help.
And I'm sorry about the bedbugs.
Just...
Don't.
I don't even feel comfortable
standing out here.
I swear I can feel them
crawling all over me.
-Whoa! Don't move.
-What?
Oh, my God! Get it!
Get it! Get it!
That's not funny.
-Sorry.
-Argh!
Well, um...
I should probably
go find a field
to burn these
uniforms in, so uh...
It was great meeting you.
Yeah, um...
Here's my number.
Just in case, you know,
you figure out your situation.
Thanks.
You wish.
Alright, partner.
Good seeing you.
Take care of your mom, alright?
Good seeing you too.
I'll see you around, buddy.
Later, sport.
Good luck with...
...life.
Thanks.
You guys head home.
I'll decon the trucks.
Good job today.
-Later.
-Later.
I'll do it.
You go make the last dance
or whatever the fuck
they do at a reunion.
Chad.
What?
Do you remember
Jerry Dabernackle?
Who the fuck is
Jerry Dabernackle?
We graduated with him.
When he was a skinny freshman,
he decided it was time to
step into the weight room.
How do you think he felt
after that first day?
Uh, terrible.
Kind of like when Janet Reesely
hit you in the nuts
but, probably worse 'cause
your balls didn't drop yet.
But he was determined not to be
a pussy and kept lifting.
What do you think happened?
If he was persistent,
then his scars recovered
and he got stronger.
He could barely walk
the next day.
-I believe it.
-Yeah, but he was a tough cat.
He kept lifting.
He spent all of high school
living in that weight room.
And he got stronger.
I mean, so strong
that he felt like nothing
could happen to him.
One day, he's deadlifting.
525, he's 6 foot, 190.
Uh, I mean, the guy is a tank.
Yeah, that's not bad.
Doesn't like spotters.
Hates them.
Feels like they're like erasers
on the end of a pencil.
They anticipate mistakes.
Oka, that's, that's bad-ass.
Yeah, breaks his back.
-Fuck!
-Mm-hmm.
So there he is.
Laying in his bed.
One day...
he's on top of the world.
The next...
he can't put his own socks on.
Can't wipe his butt.
What do you think he does next?
I don't know. What?
Bounces back.
Sucks it up.
Like muscle...
all pain leads to bigger gains.
So, he says "Fuck off"
to the physical therapist.
Says, "Fuck off" to his family
feeding him meals.
Says, "Fuck off" to his
best friend
who brought him a birthday case.
Wait.
We never went to school
with a Jerry Dabernackle.
Dude.
He got the gains.
But he was never healing.
Dude.
I know you're hurting.
Whatever it was that happened
I know you did your best.
I'm proud of you.
And I am lucky to know you.
And if you ever wanna
talk about it
I wanna be your spotter.
Look at me.
Even Han Solo needs Chewbacca.
You, my friend are
a rainbow in the dark.
And you're Def Leppard
with a little bit of Coldplay.
And that's fine!
-I love you, man.
-I love you, man.
It's a great band, by the way.
Mm-hmm. I know. I know.
-It's a great band.
-I know.
I fucking knew it.
Look, this manager job
I think you should take it.
If it makes you happy
-It'll make me happy.
-I don't want it.
To be honest,
I don't think either of us do.
It's convenient.
Would you rather have sex
forever with Shannon
-starting tomorrow...
-Mm-mm.
...or have sex forever
with the hottest girl
of all time...
-Mm?
-...starting ten years from now.
Honestly, I'd probably
have a hard time
only sleeping with one person.
Look, your business with Jane...
it doesn't matter that her
flute's been tuned up
by half the orchestra.
Sometimes you got to
put Old Yeller down.
And it's not her.
It's Susan from earlier.
She says...
"Thanks again."
Smiley face emoji.
My man!
Are you kidding me? Come on.
Oh, my God.
-You know what I see
when I see us?
-What?
Couple of cowboys riding
against the wind.
Last time I checked,
cowboys don't cry.
Fuck you! I wasn't crying.
I just-- I get so angry,
sometimes I bleed tears.
Well, you were bleeding a lot.
Should we stop by the hospital?
I can take care of myself.
I'm a fucking paramedic.
Oh, excuse me, Dr. Badass.
Well, technically,
I'm more bad-ass than a doctor
but, fuck you.
Hey!
What hospital do you think
Flat Stanley is in?
Should we go visit him?