Munchies (1987) Movie Script
1
Captain's log, stardate 2027.1
Dear Cindy, I am being
held prisoner on a barren asteroid
by the evil
Klingon Emperor.
Oh, will you stop complaining?
It's only for six weeks.
Well, I cannot tell you how I regret
letting you bring that camera.
It's gonna be a good experience for you, Paul.
You'll thank me for it some day.
I'm gonna thank him?
For this?
What kind of life is this?
Being dragged around the world
looking for pot
fragments and aliens?
Well, what can you do.
Cindy, I debuted my act
last week in the workman's mess.
it went over really good.
Uhm...
Considering that they
don't speak English, but...
You know, they're
not very hip down here.
I don't know, they didn't even know
who Bullwinkle was.
Well, what are you gonna do?
Next time I'll pass out cliff notes.
Paul.
Quit trying.
You're not going to L.A.
to become a comic, and--
- Dad, come on.
- No you're not! Paul...
First of all,
you're not funny.
Second of all, you don't
even know what L.A.'s like.
It's... it's like New Jersey
with earthquakes.
- Hmm.
- Come on, let's go.
The early bird
catches the worm.
- Oh, is breakfast ready?
- Doctor! Doctor!
We found someone
to translate the stone!
Oh, great, Ramon!
Isn't that exciting, Paul?
Yeah, I'm psyched.
Really.
What did he say?
He must be chewing
many coca leaf, gato.
He say it reads:
"Beware of Viracocha,
The fire of the gods will bring justice,
from now until the end of time."
Yeah, you should ask him how many
times he's seen The Curse of the Mummy.
- He sure about that, Ramon?
- Oh, he seems very sure, Doctor.
- Nothing about space travelers?
- No, nothing like that.
Okay, Paul. It's time for a little
archaeological field work.
Well, you know, Dad, I was never
any good at field trips in school, so...
Paul.
- Dad, I'll just wait--
- Come on, come on.
Paul! Look at this,
it's incredible!
I've got chills!
That's because it's cold, Dad.
This is pneumonia weather.
- I wanna go home now.
- Shh!
Oh, look!
Look at the stone work.
It's incredible how the stones fit together.
I have a theory, shared by many,
that aliens cut these stones with lasers.
- What, what is it?
- Some anorectic Spaniard, Dad.
What's that?
Oh!
Oh, look at this.
This is Inti, the sun god
of the Chimanacos.
Look, Ma, no cavities!
Oh, this is amazing.
You go--you go look over there.
Go on!
Oh, look at this.
This is unbelievable.
It's solid gold!
It's incredible that the Spaniards
didn't cut this off.
What's the matter?
If that's some South American
cockroach, Dad,
bigger than a Cocker Spaniel,
I'm outta here!
Take it easy, Paul.
I'll have a look.
There's nothing here.
- Over here, Dad.
- What?
Come here.
I was right!
It's an alien.
Dad, you don't know
that he's an alien.
Maybe an illegal alien.
He's just learned Spanish
'cause he's been here so long.
- I mean, what else could he be?
- A Nazi genetic experiment.
- Py... pyramid?
- Definitely an alien.
Uh, go get something
for me to put him in.
You're gonna be
of big help to me, amigo.
You're gonna prove my theory
that Machu Picchu
was a control tower
for alien spaceships.
Let the skeptics laugh,
I have my living extra-terrestrial
proof to back me up.
- Right, amigo?
- Amigo!
Amigo.
Hiya, Pablo.
Dad, the only thing I could
find was my duffel bag.
I hope he doesn't mind
living with my underwear.
Calculated risk.
Here, hold this.
Now, let's see.
Chocolate, Dad?
You know he might get zits.
- Oh, Milk Duds!
- Ramon?
I better get
a sample of this.
- What do you think it is?
- I don't know, but it glows in the dark.
Looks like toxic waste.
Dad, he's digging
into the bag.
Aahh...
Good, good.
Ramon!
- Ramon!
- Si, Doctor?
Two things, Ramon: We need
transportation into Lima,
and bribe the workers
to keep quiet.
- It's not necessary, Doctor.
- How come?
- They all ran away screaming.
- I'm with them, Dad.
Paul.
- Yeah, whatever.
- Gracias.
Taste good?
Oh, looks like we have
a litterbug alien, Dad.
Not funny.
Milkybar!
United Airlines,
Flight 283 from Dallas,
now arriving
in Gate 7.
- Milk duds.
- Shh!
- Take my wife, please.
- Will you shut up?
He's been hanging around you too much.
He thinks he's a comedian.
Gentlemen, kindly
step aside and disrobe.
Hey, Cindy!
Will passenger William Oliver please
report to the information counter.
- Oh, I missed you.
- Oh, I have something for you.
Your very own
Peruvian baseball cap.
- I think she's very good for him.
- Good.
A pointed hat. I've never
had a pointed hat before.
Oh, this tape's for you, too.
I didn't have a chance to send it.
How are the Giants doing?
Are they still in first place?
How did the Series
with the Dodgers go?
Simon...
Simon, you're not gonna believe it.
They won! They won!
Won in a suicide squeeze!
Wow! Who, what--
Shh!
No, that's okay.
I'll get the luggage myself.
- Chili Davis.
- Yeah?
Chili Davis was on third,
and broke for the plate...
Hey, what's in there?
Paul, did you bring me back
a little baby llama?
- Aw, take him out.
- No, no, no, he's fine in here.
I put a sock in there
for him to play with.
- Dad, he's not a puppy.
- Oh, not a puppy, huh?
- What is it, an anteater?
- No, you're not even warm.
A ground sloth.
Is it marsupial?
- No, I didn't check for a pouch.
- A Bolivian wombat.
Shoot.
Damn.
Violation!
And it's Cindy.
This is gonna be a great day!
Hi, everybody.
How was the trip, Doc?
Find any alien beings?
No. No, no, Eddie.
Not this time.
I downshifted to 35 by the time
I hit the sign, Sport.
Did I say you were
speeding, missy?
And that's
Deputy Sport to you.
I had you at 12dBs over acceptable
noise limits when your car backfired.
Look, I downshifted
to keep from speeding!
I've warned you
to get that tune-up before.
So now maybe you'll start
obeying the environmental standards
that make Sweetwater
such a nice place to live...
...and raise kids.
- Get a real job.
- Get that tune-up, noise criminal.
If she wasn't so cute,
I'd mace her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shhh...
That's all right, bud. That's
all right. Now you're home.
Okay, okay.
I... I think...
He got a little car sick.
Shhh.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
What do you mean,
you're a vegetarian now?
Ah, just like
I told you, Paul.
Well, technically,
I'm a cold-blooded veggie.
I just don't like to eat
warm-blooded animals, that's all.
Come on up.
So what does that leave,
snakes and salamanders?
You know, I don't see
what the big deal is.
I mean, I still eat
seafood, you know.
You know, I am
not at all happy about this.
Hey, fella, you ever
watched TV?
TV!
Hi, I'm Cecil Watterman.
You know, there must be over 60 brands
of wine cooler on the market now.
But there's only
one original:
'Cecil's All Natural Wine Cooler',
made out of wholesome California products.
'Cecil's'; it's the real,
real thing!
Uncle Cecil,
what a goof.
What a goof!
I got him some treats.
- You want snacks?
- Snacks.
Oh... he's so cute. Can't we
take him out of the bag now?
No, no, no, no!
Leave him in there.
I don't want anybody
finding out about him.
Yeah.
Dad thinks he's an alien.
Yeah, your dad thought
the Osmonds were aliens.
Well that hasn't been
disproved yet.
I haven't seen anybody
eat so much junk
since that time
you got drunk.
Remember? And you ate
that bar of hash?
Yeah, and you thought
it was a Chunky.
- That's it!
- What?
He's a munchie.
We gotta get the guy a name.
Like, um... Arnold Ziffel.
- The pig on Green Acres?
- Yeah.
- See, he likes it.
- Oh, no.
Okay, here's the number of the hotel
I'll be staying at tonight.
I'm heading over to the university
to catch Dr. Crowder's lecture.
"Incan Hieroglyphics:
Art Form, or Cosmic Joke?"
- Are you gonna tell him about Arnold?
- Who?
- Arnold.
- Arnold!
Oh, our little friend
in the bag, huh?
Of course I'm gonna
tell him about Arnold.
Let him to see for himself.
Draw his own conclusions.
You know, he has hinted
that he believes in alien visitations.
It's here in his book,
Conquistador's Journal.
If he backs up
my theory,
I'll be able to get
a publisher for my book.
Our money worries
will be over.
- I hope.
- Cool, Dad.
Well, I'm glad you suppert me in this,
Paul, because I need your help.
You must not let Arnold out
of your sight until I get back.
Aw, Dad, it's our first day back,
and you want me to stay at home
and babysit some alien?
Okay, I'll tell you what I'll do.
You're a betting man, right?
I'll make you a wager:
I'll bet you that you can't
look after Arnold for one day.
If youu win, we'll discuss this budding
comedy career of yours in L.A.
Oh, that's some bet. Now,
what happens if I lose?
You stay here, you go
to community college
and you become
something reputable.
- You really go for the throat, Dad.
- You must keep him safe. And hidden.
Nobody must
find out about him.
- Okay?
- Okay.
I'm depending
on you, Paul.
Oh Lord, what did I ever
do in my past life
to make that goddamn egg
split in two?
Welcome home,
brother Simon.
Uh, you said you
were gonna sell me
your half of the land
when you got back.
Well, here I am.
And, uh... here are
the papers for you to sign.
I'm sorry, Cecil, but uh...
I've changed my mind.
I got this deal pending.
It looks like it could be real big.
Uh... don't mean to
inconvenience you, but, uh...
I could make a lot
of money on this thing.
I don't think I'd be
hard up for money anymore,
so I couldn't consider, uh...
signing those papers.
Excuse me.
So you wanna
play hardball, huh?
Okay, brother...
Let's party.
On Channel 3 you get
all the really weird stuff.
And on 24 you get all the old,
really good movies.
Now, this is how you turn it on.
Why don't you try?
- Turn it on.
- Okay.
...home of the Valley's best steaks
and crunchiest tater tots,
featuring the mile-long,
700-item salad bar.
This steak is so tender,
it doesn't even taste like meat.
I just love
those tater tots.
Yup, for beef so tender
it melts in your mouth,
it's Western Beef Land.
Four convenient Valley locations.
Thank you.
Truckin' up to Buffalo
I've been thinkin',
you got to mellow slow
It take time,
to pick a place to go
So just keep truckin---
Aah! Ohh!
Oh, like, not cool, Pop.
That's an English import
Dead LP, man!
Oh, I don't care if it's
Burl Ives, "man".
- Got a little job for you, Scoom.
- Forget it, Pop.
I'm not endangering my karma
by associating with you.
Oh, that's
too bad, Dude.
'Cause, either you help me,
or you're gonna go back
to that, uh, tipi of yours in Utah.
Now, why, you want money,
and I got the job.
- Now, are you in?
- Oh man, what choice do I got?
Either be a cog in the wheel,
or starve like a dog.
Here, my babies.
Come on, it's chow time.
Come on, Petey.
Come on, Woody.
Come on, boys! Chow, chow.
Chow now.
I know something
that he'd like.
- Arnold?
- Arnold.
Chicks, Arnold.
You know, Paul.
Uhm...
Arnold's amusing himself
with Miss July.
And you and I haven't seen
each other in a very long time.
Are you asking me to
shirk my responsibilities
for some sleazy
teenage sex?
Absolutely.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Will you watch what you're doing?
Take off that stupid hat!
Man, the guy on The Wild Kingdom
always wears a hat like this, man.
Man, you act like you've never
seen The Wild Kingdom before.
It's nice to
have you home.
- Paul, not so rough.
- I haven't done anything yet.
- Gross, felt up by a furball.
- Arnold, go downstairs and watch TV!
Now!
Sorry, man.
Snacks!
When I say "now", you break
for the living room and cut him off.
Break what?
- Uh-oh.
- Now.
- Now what?
- Now go!
Gotcha!
Damn!
It's all your fault!
But there's more than one way
to skin a cat.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Come on, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty.
- Man, are you sure that thing's a cat?
- Shut up!
And open
that garbage bag.
Oh, man.
Oh wow, man.
Just like capturing a snow leopard
on The Wild Kingdom, man.
Come on,
let's get out of here.
- Hey, you wanna play doctor?
- What?
Did you hear something?
It's probably just Arnold
raiding the refrigerator.
Hit me again.
Hi, goof.
- You guys know each other, huh?
- Don't get wise, punk.
Well, it's been real, Pop,
but I gotta get goin'.
Oh, no you don't.
You ain't finished yet.
You're gonna help me out
with this creature.
But I've got
things to do, man.
I'm going to the Berkeley
Tie Dye and Hacky Sack Festival.
Now, Dude...
Haven't I always treated you
like you was my own stepson?
But I am your stepson.
I know, and I always treated you
like you was, didn't I?
Yeah, you always treated me
like a stepchild.
Yes.
Well, you guard him with your life,
or you won't have one!
- You threatenin' me, Pop?
- Yes.
Okay.
I'm going to the bus station now
to pick up your mother.
Now you watch him.
Scum.
Where are you?
I'm over here
behind the watermelon!
That's not a watermelon!
No!
Hey, cut it out,
you furry wimp!
It took my mom 4000 books
of green stamps to get that.
Cut it out.
I said, cut it out!
Take that.
Oh!
Oh, man, my Dead records!
You are history, pal!
You're not laughing
anymore, are you, pal?
Got you now!
- Sure missed ya.
- Did you?
- The bed got awful cold at night.
- Cecil!
You sweet thing, you.
Oh! How's my baby
Dude doin'?
Oh, fine. Fine.
Just fine.
One thing I'll never know,
though, honey,
is why you agreed to
adopt that worthless kid
when you left that little
con cousin of yours.
I don't know. I guess
I just felt sorry for him,
'cause he was so
ugly and stupid.
What's happenin', man?
Hostile little bastard.
Incredibly bad energy, man.
Oh, yeah.
- Rudy, how you feelin', man?
- Leo, what'd I have to drink last night?
- I feel sick.
- Hey. Hey, Rudy.
Where are we?
Look at this kitchen!
You ever see such
an ugly kitchen? Ugh!
Eh, let's go.
Come on!
Truckin', I got my
chips cashed in
Keep a-truckin', yeah
Crank it all the way
up, man!
Arnold, come home!
You know, it
serves you right.
It serves you right for
letting him read that magazine.
You act like I had him freebasing
at the Playboy Mansion or something.
You just didn't have
any time, that's all.
You know, I can't believe
your lack of faith in me.
You never used
to be this way.
I never said
lovin' was easy.
Good shooting, man!
You got it!
Bullseye!
- Where'd those guys come from?
- I don't know.
Wait right here.
I'm gonna go around.
You keep 'em occupied.
Okay?
Okay.
Hey, fellas!
- Look at that.
- Shake that thing, baby.
Must be jelly, cause
jam don't shake like that!
Paul, hurry up.
They're drooling.
Take it all off!
Good job.
We got 'em.
How come you've never
danced like that for me?
- Wow, my eardrums!
- Man, this stuff stinks!
- What's so funny?
- Come on waste 'em, man.
Blow 'em away!
Come on!
- Yeah, show 'em.
- Yeah.
No, Arnold, come on now.
Give me the--give me the gun.
Don't listen to him. Get him
in the kneecaps, come on!
- Give me the gun.
- No way, Jose.
- I'm getting pissed off.
- Back off, man!
- Jeez, what an attitude.
- Okay, pull!
They're gone.
Come on,
we gotta get them.
Great shots, man!
- Step on it!
- I can't push any harder.
Hey, let me do it, huh?
I didn't know you could
drive like Starsky and Hutch.
Hey, watch the smoke, man.
You're gonna give me cancer.
Buzz off.
Check out the scenery, dudes.
We go to New Jersey!
Go ahead.
Make for the county line.
And I'll
blow your tires out!
Dj vu.
You think just 'cause my dad's away
at the riot control convention,
that's your cue to
run wild in the streets?
Uh, Eddie... You're not
gonna believe this, but uh...
Cindy's dad is
in the CIA.
And we're on a mission
of national security.
That ugly, yellow car
is full of Ruskie spies
with stolen secrets
from the Silicon Valley.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Need some help?
Come on, let me help!
I was an Eagle Scout,
you know.
Okay, but this
is classified information.
We have
reason to believe
that they are planning
to blow up Golf Land,
and discredit the American
way of life.
Okay.
Thanks, Paul.
How did you know my dad
was in the CIA?
His decoder ring
gave him away.
What are you readin'?
Oh, this is the latest issue
of Insult Celebrities.
There is a interview
with Ozzy Osbourne.
"How Today's Dating is Rough
On Sensitive Guys."
I don't know why
you read trash like that.
It's educational, honey.
Look:
- Here's your astroscope.
- Oh, my ass.
Let's see, Cancer...
"You have little patience
with the eccentricity
of neighbors."
"Home is where
your heart is."
All right!
Check out that
poon freak, man.
- Come on!
- Yeah!
Lady.
Ain't gonna take that from
no American Motors car.
Head for the hills, mama.
Crazy punks!
Let them have guns!
You idiots!
Like it?
Let's go, man.
You're gonna pay for this, you
furry little wimps!
- Guess we showed her.
- He-hey, we the Munchies!
- Which way did they go?
- They went that a-way! Get 'em!
Watch those short stops.
You'll squish my due.
Well, what the...?
What a mess!
Conchita will be furious!
Oh no, my
Jaylynn plastic Eros!
Elvis!
Dude!
Oh!
- Is--is he dead?
- Sure looks it.
Look at this mess!
My G--
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Look!
No one kills
my tropical fish and lives!
What's happened here!
Your son blew it again,
that's what's happened!
I figured out a way to
force Simon to sell his land,
but he blew it!
- He let the creature get away!
- What creature?
I dunno, some bad thing
Simon found in Peru.
We gotta get Big Ed
back up here, pronto!
Let's get Eddie! Eddie!
We saw his car at Golf Land.
Oh, hell, he's dumber
than his old man.
But, I guess we're stuck with him
until Big Ed gets back.
Clearview, please.
Number of the Easy 8 Motel.
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Okey!
What is going on?
- Which way'd they go?
- That way!
When will they see it?
When will they know that it's
the evil, red tide of communism
that's destroying
the American fiber,
erroding the American
way of life as we know it?
Those Soviet scums
make me wanna barf!
You guys must think
you're pretty funny!
Sending me off to guard
Golf Land, huh, wise guy?
Those Ruskie spies must have
a high-level informant in the CIA.
But we really need your help
to get a line on Dude's car.
I mean, can't you put out,
like, a dragnet or something?
That's an APB, Cojak.
Eddie!
Eddie, what are you doing
to stop the impending disaster?
With all due respect,
Mr. Watterman,
might I remind you
that I am the police officer,
and you are the civilian.
I don't intend to let
red man anarchy rule the day
just 'cause my dad's away.
What impending disaster?
The disaster that
wrecked my condo,
ate my tropical fish,
and killed Dude Macindosh.
- My beloved stepson!
- There's been a murder?
My first murder!
What a great day!
I'm on the case!
- Where am I going?
- My place, you lunkhead!
This is all your fault.
If you wouldn't have kidnapped,
none of this would have happened.
Yeah, now there's four of them,
and they're all mad as hell.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
The point is, we gotta
track this thing down, pronto!
Now are you and your bimbo
in this with me, or what?
Who are you calling bimbo,
you polyester cowboy?
Who are you calling
polyester cowboy, you...
...cheap dime store floozy?
If I wasn't such a lady,
I would pop you one.
We'll find Arnold
for ourselves, Cecil.
Oh, just what I expected
from today's youth.
There ain't a real
American among ya!
And it's the fourth
of July, too.
Cecil, if you're such a patriot,
how come your Space Chewy Sticks
are the official snack food
of the Russian commienauts, huh?
Because you gotta bribe those bums
at NASA to get an endorsement.
With the commies, you just
cut them in for a percentage.
But I ain't got time standing 'round here
talkin' snack food economics to you two.
Come on, Melvis, let's roll!
We gotta meet Big Ed.
I want your chromosomes checked
before we have kids.
I'm coming to get you!
Whoa, would you look
at those beautiful babes?
I'm going down
for a closer look.
Oh, catch those beach balls!
I only dated him
to get to Whitney.
Who is merely
the richest guy in town.
Bitchin' dudes!
Hey, isn't that Dude's old
ugly, yellow car?
Who?
You know, that burnout,
Santa Cruz Deadhead?
He hangs with, uh, Denise.
The loadie chick?
Oh, Denise, whose sister's
the salad bar manager
at Western Beef Land.
Yeah, you know Dude.
What are those things?
Dude's pals
from Santa Cruz?
A piranha!
See you later, Terry.
That's my favorite
bathing suit, you creep!
Hiya, sweetheart!
Oh, no!
Oh!
See you around, Amy!
Wait, what's your sign?
Come to papa!
It's okay.
It's okay.
- Hey, let's get out of here.
- Okay.
Okay, come on, Arnold.
Come on, I'd recognize
those beady eyes anywhere.
Thanks for the help, Amy.
You're the one to talk.
Besides, I'm not missing cheerleading
camp because of you.
Come on.
He must have gotten away
down the pipes.
Well, now he
could be anywhere.
What were those things?
Uh, tourists from...
...from Nevada.
Buddy Holly Johnson,
quit lightin' them firecrackers!
Don't want you to become
another holiday statistic, now.
Hey, bro, I smell ice cream.
Where is it?
Buddy Holly,
you're too quiet.
What are you up to?
Buddy Holly,
just answer me!
What are you--
Aahh!
Wow! God,
what are they?
Get back here.
All right, everybody inside.
Inside.
Idiot!
Quick, into the cooler.
Hey, look out!
Get outta the way!
How long does it take
to fix a tire?
Would've helped
if you'd had a jack.
I don't know,
I can't decide.
What should I get,
vanilla or chocolate?
- I'm going for Mocha Chip.
- Stay there.
Get back.
Get back in the car.
Looters, huh?
Hey, guys, wait for me!
Who's gonna
clean this mess up?
- Oh, Bob!
- I'm fine.
Huh?
I'm fine, thanks.
I'm fine.
Oh, by the way, I'm Marge.
And this is Bob.
And this is little
Buddy Holly.
Next time I wanna
try Rum Raisin.
We'll be at
the hospital soon.
- What were those things?
- Aliens, mom! I already told ya.
- Adults are talking.
- Forget the hospital.
It's not too bad.
Bob was mauled by a grizzly
in Yellowstone once.
- Well, I hope it wasn't Yogi.
- I've had worse.
I was mauled by a grizzly
in Yellowstone once.
Can't you guys
move it out any faster?
I'm sorry, little
dead Dude.
I'll never forget
the first time I saw him.
He was eleven, and I said to myself:
"That boy looks like a chicken."
- And now he's gone.
- That's all right, darlin'.
Please, come on.
Daddy'll give you a massage.
Poor thing, I mean, he always
made a mess, but he meant well.
- Didn't he, honey?
- Yes, darlin'.
We'll all be
in heaven some day.
You know, I think
I've got something here.
You do?
You know, it is really such a turn-on
when you take charge and everything.
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
If I would've know that, I would've
taken a Dale Carnegie course years ago.
You know, it says here
that there are legends
that the high priests were able
to inanimate objects to life.
They used, and I quote:
"The fire of the gods."
"Once brought to life, the objects
then supposedly had regenerative powers,
which made them
unable to be destroyed."
Hm.
What do you think
"fire of the gods" means?
I don't know. But you can probably
rule out microwaves.
Regenerative powers.
That's how come there's four of them.
It's like with the worm.
You have one worm; you cut it
in half, you have two worms.
We've gotta warn everybody not to cut them.
Otherwise, we're gonna have
hundreds of Munchies running
around Sweetwater stealing junk food.
- This little piggy had roast beef.
- No, stop it.
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy
was a bad little piggy,
then wee-wee-wee'd
all the way home!
- Stop it.
- Oh, honey...
If only I'd been
a better stepmother.
Oh darling, you were
a wonderful mother.
- You want a bite?
- No, honey, I don't want.
I just want want
another bite of you.
- I love you so much.
- Maybe I'll have a pink one.
All right!
- Where's the insurrection?
- It's Big Ed! Thank the Lord.
That door's made out
of redwood, you jackass!
Welll, the place is destroyed.
What do you need the door for?
Oh, Big Ed,
we missed you!
- Where'd you get the riot gear?
- You like it?
I borrowed it from some buddies of mine
on the Tactical Assault Squad.
Uh, darlin', why don't you
go get us a cool drink?
Would you mind, sweetheart?
Eddie, give her a hand.
She's deeply bereaved.
Go on, darlin', thank you.
Wha...?
We've got a full-blown
crisis on our hands!
Hm. Eddie couldn't
handle it, huh?
You know he graduated in the
top 70% of debuty school?
You know, boss, I was having
a great time at this convention.
I got this riot gun here,
and I got--
Would you just forget that!
Now listen!
If those creatures get
into the underground caves,
people are gonna find out
that I have been storing
barrels of toxic waste
under the town.
Now, if I go down,
you come with me!
A real meeting
of the minds, huh?
Cecil, I found some more
stuff out about those creatures.
I don't wanna hear it.
I'll take care of those hostile
little bastards in my own way.
- But Cecil, you gotta listen--
- Oh, honey, it's almost 9 o'clock!
We've got to get over to Golf Land
for those ribbon cutting ceremonies.
Oh, heaven's sakes, I haven't
memorized all of my speech yet!
Cecil, you gotta
listen to me.
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- I'm not sure what to do!
From the beginning
of recorded time...
Throughout history,
civilization has advanced
for the good of all men,
when a few great men
have had bold, new visions,
and the courage
to carry them out.
Yeah!
But behind every great man,
there is a loving and dedicated woman
who fills his days...
...and nights...
...with a love
that is so profound,
so deep that it
urges him on
to fulfill even
his wildest dreams.
Caesar had his Cleopatra,
Napoleon had his Josphine,
and Sonny had his Cher.
But luckiest of all:
I've had my Melvis.
You know...
They laughed at me
when I said I would build the world's
first 36-hole miniature golf course.
But I didn't listen
to other people.
I followed my dream.
And with this fine lady's help,
I have brought this Valley
36 holes of miniature golf.
I officially now declare
Melvis' Miniature Golf Land...
...officially open!
Yessir!
Go on, get out there
and put, put.
Put your little hearts away.
It's on the house today, folks.
On the house.
Okay, last ten!
- Loser's buyin' pizza.
Hope you brought
your money this time.
Wait till the guys see this!
Ohh!
- Hey, look at the dudes over there!
- You're cheating!
- I didn't cheat!
- Come on, do it again.
Come on, come on.
- Whoa!
- Whoops.
Ready to lose?
- Oh, gross!
- What was that?
They're here!
Dad, it's them!
They're here!
It's them, they're...
Dad!
Shh, buddy, I'll make par
if I get this one.
But Dad, you don't understand!
It's them!
- Dad, they're here!
- Shh!
- Dad!
- Shh!
Look!
Dad, look!
Look, Daddy!
Oh, Dad, look!
I guess it's just
not my day, huh, Marge?
- Is it bad, Bob?
- No, no, honey.
The mace took my mind
off the pain.
Give me that.
Somebody's gonna
hear us.
Shut up.
Get it off me,
get it off me!
Hurry up!
I didn't bring any money!
And you ask if me
if I brought my money?
It wasn't my fault, Dad.
Honest.
Well, son, I think
you've done a pretty fair job
of maintaining
order here.
Gee, thanks, Dad!
Ed!
Get over here!
Well, do something,
you dumb motherf--
Cecil! Don't you say the F word!
There's a lady present!
Just don't stand there!
Plug 'em!
Code blue, Dad!
Right, son!
Cover my rear!
All right, let me do
a little beat on them now!
All right!
- You can't kill 'em with guns.
- Yeah, and how do you know that?
Because I read this book
called The Conquistador's Journal.
- Bull!
- Look, these things regenerate.
You can't kill 'em!
If you cut 'em up, there's
just gonna be more of them.
I don't believe that crap!
- Do you, Melvis?
- Well...
I don't know.
Hiya, Toots.
Hold this, son.
- Good shootin', Ed.
- I knew you had it in you, Big Ed.
- Oh, thanks, Melvis.
- It's party time.
Those ugly little things are wearing
all of Dude's stuff!
Denise tie dyed that scarf
for my baby's birthday!
Take it easy, honey.
I'll fix their wagon!
- Give me your helmet, Ed.
- I can't, it's a loaner.
I said, give me
your helmet!
Honey, give me
them scissors.
Are you crazy? You're gonna
cut 'em up and make more of them!
Get outta my way!
- Hey, honkey.
- Yeah, gotcha, sucker!
Bullseye, man!
Bullseye!
Yeah, got him.
Good shot!
He doesn't know
what he's doing.
Thank you.
Well, I guess that shows you
what you don't know.
Well, not exactly.
Say what?
Cecil, I told you not to cut them up!
Now there are seven of them!
No, get out of my sight!
Ed, arrest him, and
take his floozy with him!
ndale, ndale!
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
- Hey, come here.
- Yeah, come on!
- Were does this drain pipe lead to?
- Uh, the Watterman Wash.
We gotta get to the factory
before they get into
the underground storage areas.
Can I have
my helmet back?
Is your head gettin' cold?
Hey, Eddie...
You're not really gonna
take us to the big house, are you?
Where?
Oh--oh, jail?
Yeah, I am.
A good lawman
always follows orders.
No, no, no,
a really good lawman
thinks on his feet
and make snap desicions
whenever unforseen
circumstances should arise.
I'm not listening to you!
Y'all... already lied to me
about those Ruskie spies.
Look for Cher, man.
I think she did a movie once.
- I wanna see naked women!
- Maybe she was naked?
I-I-I don't know why you wanna
go back to Golf Land.
Oh, scene
of the crime, clues...
All that macho cop stuff.
You know.
Yeah, I know.
I'm the lawman,
remember?
Yeah.
Couldn't we stop
at Pizza Land?
Sure could go for
a couple of slices right now.
Yeah, I'm hungry. They don't
serve meals on the bus, you know.
I've told you, we can't!
We've got to get to the factory!
Just get a couple
of takeout slices!
Pizza gives me gas.
Whoa!
- A 430 Double Stroke Z in progress!
- What's that?
Ah, these punk vandals
from the junior high!
Eddie? I just love
all the macho cop stuff!
Under state stature 35.C,
civilians may be duly deputized
in times of natural emergency
and/or stress.
You're the one!
Aw, nothing but stupid
educational films, man.
Look at that,
a couple of heroes.
That's it!
Electricity.
"The fire of the gods."
It's just like he said
in the journal.
- Let's split, man.
- There goes Arnold!
Come on.
I hate Western
Beef Land.
Besides, the Enquirer says that
red meat clogs your plumbin'.
They got the best salad bar
in the state, Big Ed.
Well, now you're talkin'.
Salad will set you free!
All right, all right,
all right!
We'll go through the drive-through
at Burger Land, and that's it,
okay?
Burgers give me indigestion.
Well, that's 'cause
they clog your plumbin'.
Oh, Lord.
God, it's cold down here.
It reminds me of Peru.
I wonder why this place
is all lit up.
I'm sure Mr. Watterman's got
a perfectly reasonable explanation.
Probably a
perfectly sleazy one.
He is my role model,
you know.
Yeah, he would be.
Look.
They must have gone
this way, come on.
A little help.
Heeelp!
It's okay.
Move 'em out.
You okay, bud?
Which one, Paul?
You guys go down here,
and I'll try down here.
We'll meet back here
in five minutes.
All right.
Let's synchronize our watches.
- I've got 10:57.
- Check.
Check!
You little twerps
ain't finished yet?
Geez, how am I ever
gonna be regional manager
with employees
like you, huh?
Come on!
Snap it up,
short-stops, okay?
It's guys like Butcher that give Burger
Land managers a bad name.
Forget him.
He's got socialisation problems.
And bad skin.
This is Cecil Watterman.
Ordering.
Oh, wait! I don't want the patty,
I just want a bun with, uhm...
- With lettuce and tomato.
- And I'd just like a fruit bowl, please.
No, you don't want a fruitbowl,
'cause strawberries give you hives.
- Well, I thought pineapples--
- No, I--
That's it!
Give me three Double Melvis Burgers,
three large fries,
and three Solar Shakes.
Do you copy?
I said, do you copy?
Three Double Melvis Burgers,
three large fries,
and three Solar Shakes.
Do you get it?
Sounds like he's got a broken
squawk box or somethin'.
This is Cecil Watterman.
And I'm ordering!
Three Double Melvis Burgers,
three large fries,
and three Solar Shakes,
do you copy?
And a pickled pickle.
Where is it?
Hello?
Hey...
It's slow tonight.
I thought you said this night
manager was going places.
He's going, all right.
He's gonna find himself another job!
Butcher, where are you?
Butcher, you here?
We didn't get
our Melvis Burgers.
I don't like these games now, Butcher.
This is Cecil Watterman!
- What's happening?
- Hit them lights, Ed.
Aah! Ed, you better have a cold.
Just kidding.
Let's split, man.
They're in the caves
now, for sure!
We gotta get
to the factory!
We didn't get our order.
You know, Cindy, Paul is a really
cool dude and everything, but, uh...
He's not exactly what you would call
a go-getter kind of guy.
- You know what I'm saying?
- What are you talking about, Eddie?
Well, it just seems to me that an incredibly
happening chick like yourself
would go out with a guy
with a real future.
Like who, Eddie?
I'm going back to deputy school
to be recertified
as a special weapons
expert, and...
Then I figure I'll probably retire from my
wild and totally hot bachelor life, and...
...settle down and buy myself
a little place near Video Land.
Eddie, I'd rather become a nun
and join a convent.
I got no problems
with my wife working.
Let me help you
out, Melvis.
Oh, I think I feel dizzy.
- What's the matter?
- I'm starving!
If we don't get some food
in this woman soon
I won't be
held responsible!
- Come on, you two.
- So hungry!
Come on!
What was that?
Eddie?
Eddie?
Eddie, speak to me.
Hey, honey bun!
How about a kiss?
Hey, don't run away.
We're gonna treat you nice.
I don't wanna point any fingers,
but if we'd stopped at that salad bar,
we would have gotten those
to-go styrofoam containers.
It would have taken five,
many ten minutes at most.
Here.
Have some Cheese Squeeze.
Ew! Cheese Squeeze
makes my eyeballs itch!
Hm.
You get a four-carbon
rush doing this straight.
Hey, boss,
you got some crackers?
Well, we gotta look
on the bright side.
I read fasting
improves your karma.
Do you think
Sushi Land delivers?
You okay, Eddie?
Put me in
the game, coach.
Next play, Eddie.
Next play.
Cecil, let me in!
- Hey, honey, what's your hurry?
- My heart is palpatatin'.
- They almost got in here.
- It's all right.
Hey, come back here!
Wait for me!
Later, man.
Shopping hours
are now over.
- I have closet-phobia!
- Oh no, me too!
Now don't panic, sweetheart.
Daddy's here.
Now don't be scared.
Here--here, take my hand.
- There. Is that better?
- Yeah. Thanks, boss.
Get outta here!
Oh, great.
- Oh, now what?
- What do we do now?
Ah, let's find something to eat.
Come on!
I am coming.
Arnold's going to come to see you.
Ma chrie?
Here I am coming!
Ma chrie...
Hit it!
Oh my God,
they're gonna multiply.
Gotcha!
Bonjour, Cindy.
Come to me, my little peach blossom.
My sweet little darling.
My little souffl chocolat.
Paul!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- What about you?
- I'm okay.
I was so scared.
Should we take it
back to Simon?
I gotta bring him something.
He's counting on me.
Wait a minute.
Think I found something.
It was on the panel
all the time.
It was right here
all the time!
Can you imagine, honey?
It was here.
We were looking all over the place,
and it was right here.
Boy, I'll be darned.
- Hallelujah.
- Yeah, praise the Lord.
- Are you all right, darling?
- Mm-hmm!
- Who's there?
- Dad.
Dad who?
Daddy?
- Hey, Eddie.
- Yes, sir!
- It's Cecil Watterman.
- How are you doing, sir?
I want you to hit
that emergency switch.
You mean this red button
right here on the side, sir?
No, no, no.
On the other side.
There's nothing over here,
Mr. Watterman.
On the side side,
you idiot!
Good work.
Way to go, son.
Thanks, Dad.
What happened
to them monsters?
Smashed to smithereens,
no thanks to you.
Here, look at this.
Asbestos for tater tot mix?
Agent Orange for
mandarin/orange wine cooler?
Well, I guess it's been a long night
for all of us, you probably wanna--
Cecil, you scum!
Cow snacks are made
with toxic waste!
But it's harmless, Paul.
Can't hurt anybody.
I've treated it all with my
secret neutralizing mix.
Of course, I wouldn't want it
to get around, you know...
Trade secrets and everything.
You know, Paul, I've been
thinking. You know...
I could use a smart fella
like you around the factory.
Put you in charge of the endangered
species spunge cake division.
What's your answer, nephew?
Just this.
Oh, sweetheart!
Oh, honey.
I want him arrested
for assault, Ed!
All right, darling.
What are you doing?
You work for me!
Not no more.
You never did tell me
about poison in the food.
You can't arrest me!
I've seen those movies
about what happens to
nice girls like me in prison.
Hey. You're already
on your way to the big house
so why don't you just
put a sock in it, Toots!
Look what happened
to Linda Blair!
Eddie, can you give us
a ride to my house?
No problem, good buddy!
I'll give you that recommendation
to deputy school if you want.
My name carries
a lot of weight around there.
I finished highest
in parking enforcement.
Well, I might
take you up on that.
Looks like I'm gonna
be around here for a while, so...
See you later, Eddie.
Bye, Eddie.
What happened
to Arnold?
- Aw, Dad, you're
never gonna believe--
- It was all Cecil's fault.
- Simon!
I've never seen one
this well preserved.
You didn't have to hand me
that line about aliens.
I would've come anyway.
This Dr. Crowder from
the archaeology institute.
This is my son, Paul,
and his friend, Cindy.
Pleased to meet you.
May I?
Sure.
Amazing.
I can offer you $25,000
for this statue.
It's yours.
What an addition
this is going to make
to the university's
natural history museum.
Some will say I've paid
too much, of course.
But for something like this?
Unbelievable.
Well, I-I guess
I've lost the bet.
I'll go tomorrow and enroll
in community college, and...
Dad?
Oh, son!
I forgot to tell you.
Do you remember that sample
that I took at the temple?
- Yeah.
Well, I had it analyzed.
And it's some sort
of toxic waste.
But there are no elements in it
that are known on Earth!
So you mean,
Machu Picchu is really...
An alien toxic waste dump!
I've got my new bestseller:
Machu Picchu:
Toxic Waste Dump of the Gods.
Hey, you could probably
use that in your act, huh?
You mean I don't
have to go to college?
Oh, no.
A good mind
is a terrible thing to waste.
Not funny, Dad.
Not funny.
So...
How do you feel
about L.A.?
It's like New Jersey...
...with earthquakes.
Amigo!
Come on, Tina,
that's enou--
Captain's log, stardate 2027.1
Dear Cindy, I am being
held prisoner on a barren asteroid
by the evil
Klingon Emperor.
Oh, will you stop complaining?
It's only for six weeks.
Well, I cannot tell you how I regret
letting you bring that camera.
It's gonna be a good experience for you, Paul.
You'll thank me for it some day.
I'm gonna thank him?
For this?
What kind of life is this?
Being dragged around the world
looking for pot
fragments and aliens?
Well, what can you do.
Cindy, I debuted my act
last week in the workman's mess.
it went over really good.
Uhm...
Considering that they
don't speak English, but...
You know, they're
not very hip down here.
I don't know, they didn't even know
who Bullwinkle was.
Well, what are you gonna do?
Next time I'll pass out cliff notes.
Paul.
Quit trying.
You're not going to L.A.
to become a comic, and--
- Dad, come on.
- No you're not! Paul...
First of all,
you're not funny.
Second of all, you don't
even know what L.A.'s like.
It's... it's like New Jersey
with earthquakes.
- Hmm.
- Come on, let's go.
The early bird
catches the worm.
- Oh, is breakfast ready?
- Doctor! Doctor!
We found someone
to translate the stone!
Oh, great, Ramon!
Isn't that exciting, Paul?
Yeah, I'm psyched.
Really.
What did he say?
He must be chewing
many coca leaf, gato.
He say it reads:
"Beware of Viracocha,
The fire of the gods will bring justice,
from now until the end of time."
Yeah, you should ask him how many
times he's seen The Curse of the Mummy.
- He sure about that, Ramon?
- Oh, he seems very sure, Doctor.
- Nothing about space travelers?
- No, nothing like that.
Okay, Paul. It's time for a little
archaeological field work.
Well, you know, Dad, I was never
any good at field trips in school, so...
Paul.
- Dad, I'll just wait--
- Come on, come on.
Paul! Look at this,
it's incredible!
I've got chills!
That's because it's cold, Dad.
This is pneumonia weather.
- I wanna go home now.
- Shh!
Oh, look!
Look at the stone work.
It's incredible how the stones fit together.
I have a theory, shared by many,
that aliens cut these stones with lasers.
- What, what is it?
- Some anorectic Spaniard, Dad.
What's that?
Oh!
Oh, look at this.
This is Inti, the sun god
of the Chimanacos.
Look, Ma, no cavities!
Oh, this is amazing.
You go--you go look over there.
Go on!
Oh, look at this.
This is unbelievable.
It's solid gold!
It's incredible that the Spaniards
didn't cut this off.
What's the matter?
If that's some South American
cockroach, Dad,
bigger than a Cocker Spaniel,
I'm outta here!
Take it easy, Paul.
I'll have a look.
There's nothing here.
- Over here, Dad.
- What?
Come here.
I was right!
It's an alien.
Dad, you don't know
that he's an alien.
Maybe an illegal alien.
He's just learned Spanish
'cause he's been here so long.
- I mean, what else could he be?
- A Nazi genetic experiment.
- Py... pyramid?
- Definitely an alien.
Uh, go get something
for me to put him in.
You're gonna be
of big help to me, amigo.
You're gonna prove my theory
that Machu Picchu
was a control tower
for alien spaceships.
Let the skeptics laugh,
I have my living extra-terrestrial
proof to back me up.
- Right, amigo?
- Amigo!
Amigo.
Hiya, Pablo.
Dad, the only thing I could
find was my duffel bag.
I hope he doesn't mind
living with my underwear.
Calculated risk.
Here, hold this.
Now, let's see.
Chocolate, Dad?
You know he might get zits.
- Oh, Milk Duds!
- Ramon?
I better get
a sample of this.
- What do you think it is?
- I don't know, but it glows in the dark.
Looks like toxic waste.
Dad, he's digging
into the bag.
Aahh...
Good, good.
Ramon!
- Ramon!
- Si, Doctor?
Two things, Ramon: We need
transportation into Lima,
and bribe the workers
to keep quiet.
- It's not necessary, Doctor.
- How come?
- They all ran away screaming.
- I'm with them, Dad.
Paul.
- Yeah, whatever.
- Gracias.
Taste good?
Oh, looks like we have
a litterbug alien, Dad.
Not funny.
Milkybar!
United Airlines,
Flight 283 from Dallas,
now arriving
in Gate 7.
- Milk duds.
- Shh!
- Take my wife, please.
- Will you shut up?
He's been hanging around you too much.
He thinks he's a comedian.
Gentlemen, kindly
step aside and disrobe.
Hey, Cindy!
Will passenger William Oliver please
report to the information counter.
- Oh, I missed you.
- Oh, I have something for you.
Your very own
Peruvian baseball cap.
- I think she's very good for him.
- Good.
A pointed hat. I've never
had a pointed hat before.
Oh, this tape's for you, too.
I didn't have a chance to send it.
How are the Giants doing?
Are they still in first place?
How did the Series
with the Dodgers go?
Simon...
Simon, you're not gonna believe it.
They won! They won!
Won in a suicide squeeze!
Wow! Who, what--
Shh!
No, that's okay.
I'll get the luggage myself.
- Chili Davis.
- Yeah?
Chili Davis was on third,
and broke for the plate...
Hey, what's in there?
Paul, did you bring me back
a little baby llama?
- Aw, take him out.
- No, no, no, he's fine in here.
I put a sock in there
for him to play with.
- Dad, he's not a puppy.
- Oh, not a puppy, huh?
- What is it, an anteater?
- No, you're not even warm.
A ground sloth.
Is it marsupial?
- No, I didn't check for a pouch.
- A Bolivian wombat.
Shoot.
Damn.
Violation!
And it's Cindy.
This is gonna be a great day!
Hi, everybody.
How was the trip, Doc?
Find any alien beings?
No. No, no, Eddie.
Not this time.
I downshifted to 35 by the time
I hit the sign, Sport.
Did I say you were
speeding, missy?
And that's
Deputy Sport to you.
I had you at 12dBs over acceptable
noise limits when your car backfired.
Look, I downshifted
to keep from speeding!
I've warned you
to get that tune-up before.
So now maybe you'll start
obeying the environmental standards
that make Sweetwater
such a nice place to live...
...and raise kids.
- Get a real job.
- Get that tune-up, noise criminal.
If she wasn't so cute,
I'd mace her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shhh...
That's all right, bud. That's
all right. Now you're home.
Okay, okay.
I... I think...
He got a little car sick.
Shhh.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
What do you mean,
you're a vegetarian now?
Ah, just like
I told you, Paul.
Well, technically,
I'm a cold-blooded veggie.
I just don't like to eat
warm-blooded animals, that's all.
Come on up.
So what does that leave,
snakes and salamanders?
You know, I don't see
what the big deal is.
I mean, I still eat
seafood, you know.
You know, I am
not at all happy about this.
Hey, fella, you ever
watched TV?
TV!
Hi, I'm Cecil Watterman.
You know, there must be over 60 brands
of wine cooler on the market now.
But there's only
one original:
'Cecil's All Natural Wine Cooler',
made out of wholesome California products.
'Cecil's'; it's the real,
real thing!
Uncle Cecil,
what a goof.
What a goof!
I got him some treats.
- You want snacks?
- Snacks.
Oh... he's so cute. Can't we
take him out of the bag now?
No, no, no, no!
Leave him in there.
I don't want anybody
finding out about him.
Yeah.
Dad thinks he's an alien.
Yeah, your dad thought
the Osmonds were aliens.
Well that hasn't been
disproved yet.
I haven't seen anybody
eat so much junk
since that time
you got drunk.
Remember? And you ate
that bar of hash?
Yeah, and you thought
it was a Chunky.
- That's it!
- What?
He's a munchie.
We gotta get the guy a name.
Like, um... Arnold Ziffel.
- The pig on Green Acres?
- Yeah.
- See, he likes it.
- Oh, no.
Okay, here's the number of the hotel
I'll be staying at tonight.
I'm heading over to the university
to catch Dr. Crowder's lecture.
"Incan Hieroglyphics:
Art Form, or Cosmic Joke?"
- Are you gonna tell him about Arnold?
- Who?
- Arnold.
- Arnold!
Oh, our little friend
in the bag, huh?
Of course I'm gonna
tell him about Arnold.
Let him to see for himself.
Draw his own conclusions.
You know, he has hinted
that he believes in alien visitations.
It's here in his book,
Conquistador's Journal.
If he backs up
my theory,
I'll be able to get
a publisher for my book.
Our money worries
will be over.
- I hope.
- Cool, Dad.
Well, I'm glad you suppert me in this,
Paul, because I need your help.
You must not let Arnold out
of your sight until I get back.
Aw, Dad, it's our first day back,
and you want me to stay at home
and babysit some alien?
Okay, I'll tell you what I'll do.
You're a betting man, right?
I'll make you a wager:
I'll bet you that you can't
look after Arnold for one day.
If youu win, we'll discuss this budding
comedy career of yours in L.A.
Oh, that's some bet. Now,
what happens if I lose?
You stay here, you go
to community college
and you become
something reputable.
- You really go for the throat, Dad.
- You must keep him safe. And hidden.
Nobody must
find out about him.
- Okay?
- Okay.
I'm depending
on you, Paul.
Oh Lord, what did I ever
do in my past life
to make that goddamn egg
split in two?
Welcome home,
brother Simon.
Uh, you said you
were gonna sell me
your half of the land
when you got back.
Well, here I am.
And, uh... here are
the papers for you to sign.
I'm sorry, Cecil, but uh...
I've changed my mind.
I got this deal pending.
It looks like it could be real big.
Uh... don't mean to
inconvenience you, but, uh...
I could make a lot
of money on this thing.
I don't think I'd be
hard up for money anymore,
so I couldn't consider, uh...
signing those papers.
Excuse me.
So you wanna
play hardball, huh?
Okay, brother...
Let's party.
On Channel 3 you get
all the really weird stuff.
And on 24 you get all the old,
really good movies.
Now, this is how you turn it on.
Why don't you try?
- Turn it on.
- Okay.
...home of the Valley's best steaks
and crunchiest tater tots,
featuring the mile-long,
700-item salad bar.
This steak is so tender,
it doesn't even taste like meat.
I just love
those tater tots.
Yup, for beef so tender
it melts in your mouth,
it's Western Beef Land.
Four convenient Valley locations.
Thank you.
Truckin' up to Buffalo
I've been thinkin',
you got to mellow slow
It take time,
to pick a place to go
So just keep truckin---
Aah! Ohh!
Oh, like, not cool, Pop.
That's an English import
Dead LP, man!
Oh, I don't care if it's
Burl Ives, "man".
- Got a little job for you, Scoom.
- Forget it, Pop.
I'm not endangering my karma
by associating with you.
Oh, that's
too bad, Dude.
'Cause, either you help me,
or you're gonna go back
to that, uh, tipi of yours in Utah.
Now, why, you want money,
and I got the job.
- Now, are you in?
- Oh man, what choice do I got?
Either be a cog in the wheel,
or starve like a dog.
Here, my babies.
Come on, it's chow time.
Come on, Petey.
Come on, Woody.
Come on, boys! Chow, chow.
Chow now.
I know something
that he'd like.
- Arnold?
- Arnold.
Chicks, Arnold.
You know, Paul.
Uhm...
Arnold's amusing himself
with Miss July.
And you and I haven't seen
each other in a very long time.
Are you asking me to
shirk my responsibilities
for some sleazy
teenage sex?
Absolutely.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Will you watch what you're doing?
Take off that stupid hat!
Man, the guy on The Wild Kingdom
always wears a hat like this, man.
Man, you act like you've never
seen The Wild Kingdom before.
It's nice to
have you home.
- Paul, not so rough.
- I haven't done anything yet.
- Gross, felt up by a furball.
- Arnold, go downstairs and watch TV!
Now!
Sorry, man.
Snacks!
When I say "now", you break
for the living room and cut him off.
Break what?
- Uh-oh.
- Now.
- Now what?
- Now go!
Gotcha!
Damn!
It's all your fault!
But there's more than one way
to skin a cat.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Come on, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty.
- Man, are you sure that thing's a cat?
- Shut up!
And open
that garbage bag.
Oh, man.
Oh wow, man.
Just like capturing a snow leopard
on The Wild Kingdom, man.
Come on,
let's get out of here.
- Hey, you wanna play doctor?
- What?
Did you hear something?
It's probably just Arnold
raiding the refrigerator.
Hit me again.
Hi, goof.
- You guys know each other, huh?
- Don't get wise, punk.
Well, it's been real, Pop,
but I gotta get goin'.
Oh, no you don't.
You ain't finished yet.
You're gonna help me out
with this creature.
But I've got
things to do, man.
I'm going to the Berkeley
Tie Dye and Hacky Sack Festival.
Now, Dude...
Haven't I always treated you
like you was my own stepson?
But I am your stepson.
I know, and I always treated you
like you was, didn't I?
Yeah, you always treated me
like a stepchild.
Yes.
Well, you guard him with your life,
or you won't have one!
- You threatenin' me, Pop?
- Yes.
Okay.
I'm going to the bus station now
to pick up your mother.
Now you watch him.
Scum.
Where are you?
I'm over here
behind the watermelon!
That's not a watermelon!
No!
Hey, cut it out,
you furry wimp!
It took my mom 4000 books
of green stamps to get that.
Cut it out.
I said, cut it out!
Take that.
Oh!
Oh, man, my Dead records!
You are history, pal!
You're not laughing
anymore, are you, pal?
Got you now!
- Sure missed ya.
- Did you?
- The bed got awful cold at night.
- Cecil!
You sweet thing, you.
Oh! How's my baby
Dude doin'?
Oh, fine. Fine.
Just fine.
One thing I'll never know,
though, honey,
is why you agreed to
adopt that worthless kid
when you left that little
con cousin of yours.
I don't know. I guess
I just felt sorry for him,
'cause he was so
ugly and stupid.
What's happenin', man?
Hostile little bastard.
Incredibly bad energy, man.
Oh, yeah.
- Rudy, how you feelin', man?
- Leo, what'd I have to drink last night?
- I feel sick.
- Hey. Hey, Rudy.
Where are we?
Look at this kitchen!
You ever see such
an ugly kitchen? Ugh!
Eh, let's go.
Come on!
Truckin', I got my
chips cashed in
Keep a-truckin', yeah
Crank it all the way
up, man!
Arnold, come home!
You know, it
serves you right.
It serves you right for
letting him read that magazine.
You act like I had him freebasing
at the Playboy Mansion or something.
You just didn't have
any time, that's all.
You know, I can't believe
your lack of faith in me.
You never used
to be this way.
I never said
lovin' was easy.
Good shooting, man!
You got it!
Bullseye!
- Where'd those guys come from?
- I don't know.
Wait right here.
I'm gonna go around.
You keep 'em occupied.
Okay?
Okay.
Hey, fellas!
- Look at that.
- Shake that thing, baby.
Must be jelly, cause
jam don't shake like that!
Paul, hurry up.
They're drooling.
Take it all off!
Good job.
We got 'em.
How come you've never
danced like that for me?
- Wow, my eardrums!
- Man, this stuff stinks!
- What's so funny?
- Come on waste 'em, man.
Blow 'em away!
Come on!
- Yeah, show 'em.
- Yeah.
No, Arnold, come on now.
Give me the--give me the gun.
Don't listen to him. Get him
in the kneecaps, come on!
- Give me the gun.
- No way, Jose.
- I'm getting pissed off.
- Back off, man!
- Jeez, what an attitude.
- Okay, pull!
They're gone.
Come on,
we gotta get them.
Great shots, man!
- Step on it!
- I can't push any harder.
Hey, let me do it, huh?
I didn't know you could
drive like Starsky and Hutch.
Hey, watch the smoke, man.
You're gonna give me cancer.
Buzz off.
Check out the scenery, dudes.
We go to New Jersey!
Go ahead.
Make for the county line.
And I'll
blow your tires out!
Dj vu.
You think just 'cause my dad's away
at the riot control convention,
that's your cue to
run wild in the streets?
Uh, Eddie... You're not
gonna believe this, but uh...
Cindy's dad is
in the CIA.
And we're on a mission
of national security.
That ugly, yellow car
is full of Ruskie spies
with stolen secrets
from the Silicon Valley.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Need some help?
Come on, let me help!
I was an Eagle Scout,
you know.
Okay, but this
is classified information.
We have
reason to believe
that they are planning
to blow up Golf Land,
and discredit the American
way of life.
Okay.
Thanks, Paul.
How did you know my dad
was in the CIA?
His decoder ring
gave him away.
What are you readin'?
Oh, this is the latest issue
of Insult Celebrities.
There is a interview
with Ozzy Osbourne.
"How Today's Dating is Rough
On Sensitive Guys."
I don't know why
you read trash like that.
It's educational, honey.
Look:
- Here's your astroscope.
- Oh, my ass.
Let's see, Cancer...
"You have little patience
with the eccentricity
of neighbors."
"Home is where
your heart is."
All right!
Check out that
poon freak, man.
- Come on!
- Yeah!
Lady.
Ain't gonna take that from
no American Motors car.
Head for the hills, mama.
Crazy punks!
Let them have guns!
You idiots!
Like it?
Let's go, man.
You're gonna pay for this, you
furry little wimps!
- Guess we showed her.
- He-hey, we the Munchies!
- Which way did they go?
- They went that a-way! Get 'em!
Watch those short stops.
You'll squish my due.
Well, what the...?
What a mess!
Conchita will be furious!
Oh no, my
Jaylynn plastic Eros!
Elvis!
Dude!
Oh!
- Is--is he dead?
- Sure looks it.
Look at this mess!
My G--
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Look!
No one kills
my tropical fish and lives!
What's happened here!
Your son blew it again,
that's what's happened!
I figured out a way to
force Simon to sell his land,
but he blew it!
- He let the creature get away!
- What creature?
I dunno, some bad thing
Simon found in Peru.
We gotta get Big Ed
back up here, pronto!
Let's get Eddie! Eddie!
We saw his car at Golf Land.
Oh, hell, he's dumber
than his old man.
But, I guess we're stuck with him
until Big Ed gets back.
Clearview, please.
Number of the Easy 8 Motel.
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Okey!
What is going on?
- Which way'd they go?
- That way!
When will they see it?
When will they know that it's
the evil, red tide of communism
that's destroying
the American fiber,
erroding the American
way of life as we know it?
Those Soviet scums
make me wanna barf!
You guys must think
you're pretty funny!
Sending me off to guard
Golf Land, huh, wise guy?
Those Ruskie spies must have
a high-level informant in the CIA.
But we really need your help
to get a line on Dude's car.
I mean, can't you put out,
like, a dragnet or something?
That's an APB, Cojak.
Eddie!
Eddie, what are you doing
to stop the impending disaster?
With all due respect,
Mr. Watterman,
might I remind you
that I am the police officer,
and you are the civilian.
I don't intend to let
red man anarchy rule the day
just 'cause my dad's away.
What impending disaster?
The disaster that
wrecked my condo,
ate my tropical fish,
and killed Dude Macindosh.
- My beloved stepson!
- There's been a murder?
My first murder!
What a great day!
I'm on the case!
- Where am I going?
- My place, you lunkhead!
This is all your fault.
If you wouldn't have kidnapped,
none of this would have happened.
Yeah, now there's four of them,
and they're all mad as hell.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
The point is, we gotta
track this thing down, pronto!
Now are you and your bimbo
in this with me, or what?
Who are you calling bimbo,
you polyester cowboy?
Who are you calling
polyester cowboy, you...
...cheap dime store floozy?
If I wasn't such a lady,
I would pop you one.
We'll find Arnold
for ourselves, Cecil.
Oh, just what I expected
from today's youth.
There ain't a real
American among ya!
And it's the fourth
of July, too.
Cecil, if you're such a patriot,
how come your Space Chewy Sticks
are the official snack food
of the Russian commienauts, huh?
Because you gotta bribe those bums
at NASA to get an endorsement.
With the commies, you just
cut them in for a percentage.
But I ain't got time standing 'round here
talkin' snack food economics to you two.
Come on, Melvis, let's roll!
We gotta meet Big Ed.
I want your chromosomes checked
before we have kids.
I'm coming to get you!
Whoa, would you look
at those beautiful babes?
I'm going down
for a closer look.
Oh, catch those beach balls!
I only dated him
to get to Whitney.
Who is merely
the richest guy in town.
Bitchin' dudes!
Hey, isn't that Dude's old
ugly, yellow car?
Who?
You know, that burnout,
Santa Cruz Deadhead?
He hangs with, uh, Denise.
The loadie chick?
Oh, Denise, whose sister's
the salad bar manager
at Western Beef Land.
Yeah, you know Dude.
What are those things?
Dude's pals
from Santa Cruz?
A piranha!
See you later, Terry.
That's my favorite
bathing suit, you creep!
Hiya, sweetheart!
Oh, no!
Oh!
See you around, Amy!
Wait, what's your sign?
Come to papa!
It's okay.
It's okay.
- Hey, let's get out of here.
- Okay.
Okay, come on, Arnold.
Come on, I'd recognize
those beady eyes anywhere.
Thanks for the help, Amy.
You're the one to talk.
Besides, I'm not missing cheerleading
camp because of you.
Come on.
He must have gotten away
down the pipes.
Well, now he
could be anywhere.
What were those things?
Uh, tourists from...
...from Nevada.
Buddy Holly Johnson,
quit lightin' them firecrackers!
Don't want you to become
another holiday statistic, now.
Hey, bro, I smell ice cream.
Where is it?
Buddy Holly,
you're too quiet.
What are you up to?
Buddy Holly,
just answer me!
What are you--
Aahh!
Wow! God,
what are they?
Get back here.
All right, everybody inside.
Inside.
Idiot!
Quick, into the cooler.
Hey, look out!
Get outta the way!
How long does it take
to fix a tire?
Would've helped
if you'd had a jack.
I don't know,
I can't decide.
What should I get,
vanilla or chocolate?
- I'm going for Mocha Chip.
- Stay there.
Get back.
Get back in the car.
Looters, huh?
Hey, guys, wait for me!
Who's gonna
clean this mess up?
- Oh, Bob!
- I'm fine.
Huh?
I'm fine, thanks.
I'm fine.
Oh, by the way, I'm Marge.
And this is Bob.
And this is little
Buddy Holly.
Next time I wanna
try Rum Raisin.
We'll be at
the hospital soon.
- What were those things?
- Aliens, mom! I already told ya.
- Adults are talking.
- Forget the hospital.
It's not too bad.
Bob was mauled by a grizzly
in Yellowstone once.
- Well, I hope it wasn't Yogi.
- I've had worse.
I was mauled by a grizzly
in Yellowstone once.
Can't you guys
move it out any faster?
I'm sorry, little
dead Dude.
I'll never forget
the first time I saw him.
He was eleven, and I said to myself:
"That boy looks like a chicken."
- And now he's gone.
- That's all right, darlin'.
Please, come on.
Daddy'll give you a massage.
Poor thing, I mean, he always
made a mess, but he meant well.
- Didn't he, honey?
- Yes, darlin'.
We'll all be
in heaven some day.
You know, I think
I've got something here.
You do?
You know, it is really such a turn-on
when you take charge and everything.
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
If I would've know that, I would've
taken a Dale Carnegie course years ago.
You know, it says here
that there are legends
that the high priests were able
to inanimate objects to life.
They used, and I quote:
"The fire of the gods."
"Once brought to life, the objects
then supposedly had regenerative powers,
which made them
unable to be destroyed."
Hm.
What do you think
"fire of the gods" means?
I don't know. But you can probably
rule out microwaves.
Regenerative powers.
That's how come there's four of them.
It's like with the worm.
You have one worm; you cut it
in half, you have two worms.
We've gotta warn everybody not to cut them.
Otherwise, we're gonna have
hundreds of Munchies running
around Sweetwater stealing junk food.
- This little piggy had roast beef.
- No, stop it.
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy
was a bad little piggy,
then wee-wee-wee'd
all the way home!
- Stop it.
- Oh, honey...
If only I'd been
a better stepmother.
Oh darling, you were
a wonderful mother.
- You want a bite?
- No, honey, I don't want.
I just want want
another bite of you.
- I love you so much.
- Maybe I'll have a pink one.
All right!
- Where's the insurrection?
- It's Big Ed! Thank the Lord.
That door's made out
of redwood, you jackass!
Welll, the place is destroyed.
What do you need the door for?
Oh, Big Ed,
we missed you!
- Where'd you get the riot gear?
- You like it?
I borrowed it from some buddies of mine
on the Tactical Assault Squad.
Uh, darlin', why don't you
go get us a cool drink?
Would you mind, sweetheart?
Eddie, give her a hand.
She's deeply bereaved.
Go on, darlin', thank you.
Wha...?
We've got a full-blown
crisis on our hands!
Hm. Eddie couldn't
handle it, huh?
You know he graduated in the
top 70% of debuty school?
You know, boss, I was having
a great time at this convention.
I got this riot gun here,
and I got--
Would you just forget that!
Now listen!
If those creatures get
into the underground caves,
people are gonna find out
that I have been storing
barrels of toxic waste
under the town.
Now, if I go down,
you come with me!
A real meeting
of the minds, huh?
Cecil, I found some more
stuff out about those creatures.
I don't wanna hear it.
I'll take care of those hostile
little bastards in my own way.
- But Cecil, you gotta listen--
- Oh, honey, it's almost 9 o'clock!
We've got to get over to Golf Land
for those ribbon cutting ceremonies.
Oh, heaven's sakes, I haven't
memorized all of my speech yet!
Cecil, you gotta
listen to me.
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- I'm not sure what to do!
From the beginning
of recorded time...
Throughout history,
civilization has advanced
for the good of all men,
when a few great men
have had bold, new visions,
and the courage
to carry them out.
Yeah!
But behind every great man,
there is a loving and dedicated woman
who fills his days...
...and nights...
...with a love
that is so profound,
so deep that it
urges him on
to fulfill even
his wildest dreams.
Caesar had his Cleopatra,
Napoleon had his Josphine,
and Sonny had his Cher.
But luckiest of all:
I've had my Melvis.
You know...
They laughed at me
when I said I would build the world's
first 36-hole miniature golf course.
But I didn't listen
to other people.
I followed my dream.
And with this fine lady's help,
I have brought this Valley
36 holes of miniature golf.
I officially now declare
Melvis' Miniature Golf Land...
...officially open!
Yessir!
Go on, get out there
and put, put.
Put your little hearts away.
It's on the house today, folks.
On the house.
Okay, last ten!
- Loser's buyin' pizza.
Hope you brought
your money this time.
Wait till the guys see this!
Ohh!
- Hey, look at the dudes over there!
- You're cheating!
- I didn't cheat!
- Come on, do it again.
Come on, come on.
- Whoa!
- Whoops.
Ready to lose?
- Oh, gross!
- What was that?
They're here!
Dad, it's them!
They're here!
It's them, they're...
Dad!
Shh, buddy, I'll make par
if I get this one.
But Dad, you don't understand!
It's them!
- Dad, they're here!
- Shh!
- Dad!
- Shh!
Look!
Dad, look!
Look, Daddy!
Oh, Dad, look!
I guess it's just
not my day, huh, Marge?
- Is it bad, Bob?
- No, no, honey.
The mace took my mind
off the pain.
Give me that.
Somebody's gonna
hear us.
Shut up.
Get it off me,
get it off me!
Hurry up!
I didn't bring any money!
And you ask if me
if I brought my money?
It wasn't my fault, Dad.
Honest.
Well, son, I think
you've done a pretty fair job
of maintaining
order here.
Gee, thanks, Dad!
Ed!
Get over here!
Well, do something,
you dumb motherf--
Cecil! Don't you say the F word!
There's a lady present!
Just don't stand there!
Plug 'em!
Code blue, Dad!
Right, son!
Cover my rear!
All right, let me do
a little beat on them now!
All right!
- You can't kill 'em with guns.
- Yeah, and how do you know that?
Because I read this book
called The Conquistador's Journal.
- Bull!
- Look, these things regenerate.
You can't kill 'em!
If you cut 'em up, there's
just gonna be more of them.
I don't believe that crap!
- Do you, Melvis?
- Well...
I don't know.
Hiya, Toots.
Hold this, son.
- Good shootin', Ed.
- I knew you had it in you, Big Ed.
- Oh, thanks, Melvis.
- It's party time.
Those ugly little things are wearing
all of Dude's stuff!
Denise tie dyed that scarf
for my baby's birthday!
Take it easy, honey.
I'll fix their wagon!
- Give me your helmet, Ed.
- I can't, it's a loaner.
I said, give me
your helmet!
Honey, give me
them scissors.
Are you crazy? You're gonna
cut 'em up and make more of them!
Get outta my way!
- Hey, honkey.
- Yeah, gotcha, sucker!
Bullseye, man!
Bullseye!
Yeah, got him.
Good shot!
He doesn't know
what he's doing.
Thank you.
Well, I guess that shows you
what you don't know.
Well, not exactly.
Say what?
Cecil, I told you not to cut them up!
Now there are seven of them!
No, get out of my sight!
Ed, arrest him, and
take his floozy with him!
ndale, ndale!
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
- Hey, come here.
- Yeah, come on!
- Were does this drain pipe lead to?
- Uh, the Watterman Wash.
We gotta get to the factory
before they get into
the underground storage areas.
Can I have
my helmet back?
Is your head gettin' cold?
Hey, Eddie...
You're not really gonna
take us to the big house, are you?
Where?
Oh--oh, jail?
Yeah, I am.
A good lawman
always follows orders.
No, no, no,
a really good lawman
thinks on his feet
and make snap desicions
whenever unforseen
circumstances should arise.
I'm not listening to you!
Y'all... already lied to me
about those Ruskie spies.
Look for Cher, man.
I think she did a movie once.
- I wanna see naked women!
- Maybe she was naked?
I-I-I don't know why you wanna
go back to Golf Land.
Oh, scene
of the crime, clues...
All that macho cop stuff.
You know.
Yeah, I know.
I'm the lawman,
remember?
Yeah.
Couldn't we stop
at Pizza Land?
Sure could go for
a couple of slices right now.
Yeah, I'm hungry. They don't
serve meals on the bus, you know.
I've told you, we can't!
We've got to get to the factory!
Just get a couple
of takeout slices!
Pizza gives me gas.
Whoa!
- A 430 Double Stroke Z in progress!
- What's that?
Ah, these punk vandals
from the junior high!
Eddie? I just love
all the macho cop stuff!
Under state stature 35.C,
civilians may be duly deputized
in times of natural emergency
and/or stress.
You're the one!
Aw, nothing but stupid
educational films, man.
Look at that,
a couple of heroes.
That's it!
Electricity.
"The fire of the gods."
It's just like he said
in the journal.
- Let's split, man.
- There goes Arnold!
Come on.
I hate Western
Beef Land.
Besides, the Enquirer says that
red meat clogs your plumbin'.
They got the best salad bar
in the state, Big Ed.
Well, now you're talkin'.
Salad will set you free!
All right, all right,
all right!
We'll go through the drive-through
at Burger Land, and that's it,
okay?
Burgers give me indigestion.
Well, that's 'cause
they clog your plumbin'.
Oh, Lord.
God, it's cold down here.
It reminds me of Peru.
I wonder why this place
is all lit up.
I'm sure Mr. Watterman's got
a perfectly reasonable explanation.
Probably a
perfectly sleazy one.
He is my role model,
you know.
Yeah, he would be.
Look.
They must have gone
this way, come on.
A little help.
Heeelp!
It's okay.
Move 'em out.
You okay, bud?
Which one, Paul?
You guys go down here,
and I'll try down here.
We'll meet back here
in five minutes.
All right.
Let's synchronize our watches.
- I've got 10:57.
- Check.
Check!
You little twerps
ain't finished yet?
Geez, how am I ever
gonna be regional manager
with employees
like you, huh?
Come on!
Snap it up,
short-stops, okay?
It's guys like Butcher that give Burger
Land managers a bad name.
Forget him.
He's got socialisation problems.
And bad skin.
This is Cecil Watterman.
Ordering.
Oh, wait! I don't want the patty,
I just want a bun with, uhm...
- With lettuce and tomato.
- And I'd just like a fruit bowl, please.
No, you don't want a fruitbowl,
'cause strawberries give you hives.
- Well, I thought pineapples--
- No, I--
That's it!
Give me three Double Melvis Burgers,
three large fries,
and three Solar Shakes.
Do you copy?
I said, do you copy?
Three Double Melvis Burgers,
three large fries,
and three Solar Shakes.
Do you get it?
Sounds like he's got a broken
squawk box or somethin'.
This is Cecil Watterman.
And I'm ordering!
Three Double Melvis Burgers,
three large fries,
and three Solar Shakes,
do you copy?
And a pickled pickle.
Where is it?
Hello?
Hey...
It's slow tonight.
I thought you said this night
manager was going places.
He's going, all right.
He's gonna find himself another job!
Butcher, where are you?
Butcher, you here?
We didn't get
our Melvis Burgers.
I don't like these games now, Butcher.
This is Cecil Watterman!
- What's happening?
- Hit them lights, Ed.
Aah! Ed, you better have a cold.
Just kidding.
Let's split, man.
They're in the caves
now, for sure!
We gotta get
to the factory!
We didn't get our order.
You know, Cindy, Paul is a really
cool dude and everything, but, uh...
He's not exactly what you would call
a go-getter kind of guy.
- You know what I'm saying?
- What are you talking about, Eddie?
Well, it just seems to me that an incredibly
happening chick like yourself
would go out with a guy
with a real future.
Like who, Eddie?
I'm going back to deputy school
to be recertified
as a special weapons
expert, and...
Then I figure I'll probably retire from my
wild and totally hot bachelor life, and...
...settle down and buy myself
a little place near Video Land.
Eddie, I'd rather become a nun
and join a convent.
I got no problems
with my wife working.
Let me help you
out, Melvis.
Oh, I think I feel dizzy.
- What's the matter?
- I'm starving!
If we don't get some food
in this woman soon
I won't be
held responsible!
- Come on, you two.
- So hungry!
Come on!
What was that?
Eddie?
Eddie?
Eddie, speak to me.
Hey, honey bun!
How about a kiss?
Hey, don't run away.
We're gonna treat you nice.
I don't wanna point any fingers,
but if we'd stopped at that salad bar,
we would have gotten those
to-go styrofoam containers.
It would have taken five,
many ten minutes at most.
Here.
Have some Cheese Squeeze.
Ew! Cheese Squeeze
makes my eyeballs itch!
Hm.
You get a four-carbon
rush doing this straight.
Hey, boss,
you got some crackers?
Well, we gotta look
on the bright side.
I read fasting
improves your karma.
Do you think
Sushi Land delivers?
You okay, Eddie?
Put me in
the game, coach.
Next play, Eddie.
Next play.
Cecil, let me in!
- Hey, honey, what's your hurry?
- My heart is palpatatin'.
- They almost got in here.
- It's all right.
Hey, come back here!
Wait for me!
Later, man.
Shopping hours
are now over.
- I have closet-phobia!
- Oh no, me too!
Now don't panic, sweetheart.
Daddy's here.
Now don't be scared.
Here--here, take my hand.
- There. Is that better?
- Yeah. Thanks, boss.
Get outta here!
Oh, great.
- Oh, now what?
- What do we do now?
Ah, let's find something to eat.
Come on!
I am coming.
Arnold's going to come to see you.
Ma chrie?
Here I am coming!
Ma chrie...
Hit it!
Oh my God,
they're gonna multiply.
Gotcha!
Bonjour, Cindy.
Come to me, my little peach blossom.
My sweet little darling.
My little souffl chocolat.
Paul!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- What about you?
- I'm okay.
I was so scared.
Should we take it
back to Simon?
I gotta bring him something.
He's counting on me.
Wait a minute.
Think I found something.
It was on the panel
all the time.
It was right here
all the time!
Can you imagine, honey?
It was here.
We were looking all over the place,
and it was right here.
Boy, I'll be darned.
- Hallelujah.
- Yeah, praise the Lord.
- Are you all right, darling?
- Mm-hmm!
- Who's there?
- Dad.
Dad who?
Daddy?
- Hey, Eddie.
- Yes, sir!
- It's Cecil Watterman.
- How are you doing, sir?
I want you to hit
that emergency switch.
You mean this red button
right here on the side, sir?
No, no, no.
On the other side.
There's nothing over here,
Mr. Watterman.
On the side side,
you idiot!
Good work.
Way to go, son.
Thanks, Dad.
What happened
to them monsters?
Smashed to smithereens,
no thanks to you.
Here, look at this.
Asbestos for tater tot mix?
Agent Orange for
mandarin/orange wine cooler?
Well, I guess it's been a long night
for all of us, you probably wanna--
Cecil, you scum!
Cow snacks are made
with toxic waste!
But it's harmless, Paul.
Can't hurt anybody.
I've treated it all with my
secret neutralizing mix.
Of course, I wouldn't want it
to get around, you know...
Trade secrets and everything.
You know, Paul, I've been
thinking. You know...
I could use a smart fella
like you around the factory.
Put you in charge of the endangered
species spunge cake division.
What's your answer, nephew?
Just this.
Oh, sweetheart!
Oh, honey.
I want him arrested
for assault, Ed!
All right, darling.
What are you doing?
You work for me!
Not no more.
You never did tell me
about poison in the food.
You can't arrest me!
I've seen those movies
about what happens to
nice girls like me in prison.
Hey. You're already
on your way to the big house
so why don't you just
put a sock in it, Toots!
Look what happened
to Linda Blair!
Eddie, can you give us
a ride to my house?
No problem, good buddy!
I'll give you that recommendation
to deputy school if you want.
My name carries
a lot of weight around there.
I finished highest
in parking enforcement.
Well, I might
take you up on that.
Looks like I'm gonna
be around here for a while, so...
See you later, Eddie.
Bye, Eddie.
What happened
to Arnold?
- Aw, Dad, you're
never gonna believe--
- It was all Cecil's fault.
- Simon!
I've never seen one
this well preserved.
You didn't have to hand me
that line about aliens.
I would've come anyway.
This Dr. Crowder from
the archaeology institute.
This is my son, Paul,
and his friend, Cindy.
Pleased to meet you.
May I?
Sure.
Amazing.
I can offer you $25,000
for this statue.
It's yours.
What an addition
this is going to make
to the university's
natural history museum.
Some will say I've paid
too much, of course.
But for something like this?
Unbelievable.
Well, I-I guess
I've lost the bet.
I'll go tomorrow and enroll
in community college, and...
Dad?
Oh, son!
I forgot to tell you.
Do you remember that sample
that I took at the temple?
- Yeah.
Well, I had it analyzed.
And it's some sort
of toxic waste.
But there are no elements in it
that are known on Earth!
So you mean,
Machu Picchu is really...
An alien toxic waste dump!
I've got my new bestseller:
Machu Picchu:
Toxic Waste Dump of the Gods.
Hey, you could probably
use that in your act, huh?
You mean I don't
have to go to college?
Oh, no.
A good mind
is a terrible thing to waste.
Not funny, Dad.
Not funny.
So...
How do you feel
about L.A.?
It's like New Jersey...
...with earthquakes.
Amigo!
Come on, Tina,
that's enou--