My Friend Irma Goes West (1950) Movie Script
Year in, year out, New York doesn't change.
It's still got Park Avenue.
We still don't live there.
It's still got the Stork Club.
We still can't afford to go there.
It's still got Mrs. O'Reilly's
boarding house.
And unfortunately,
we can still afford to live there.
Yes, New York is still
the same old New York.
Nothing has changed much
in the past year...
nothing except my friend Irma.
Remember a year ago
when Irma was walking down the street...
that was under repair?
And Irma fell into the open manole?
But Irma has changed.
She's smarter now.
I was wrong, folks.
New York hasn't changed...
and neither has my friend Irma.
Happens every time.
Irma, why don't you answer the phone?
I'm not sure it's for me.
Take a chance, it's not your nickel.
Hello? Who?
Yes, it's for me. It's Al.
Well, what are you waiting for? Run
down to the police station with the bail.
He's not in trouble,
he's got wonderful news.
Hello, Al. What's the news?
That's wonderful, Al.
I can hardly wait to tell Jane.
Goodbye.
Jane, guess what?
Al got your boyfriend, Steve,
a job on a television program...
and we can watch him tonight.
Steve on television? I can't believe it.
I'm so excited. I'm shaking like a thief.
Isn't it wonderful?
If Steve makes a hit tonight,
I'll be Mrs. Al and you'll be Mrs. Laird.
Now I'm glad we bought the television set.
Yes, and it's a good one, too.
- Who are you calling, honey?
- Television repairman.
Repairman? Why, this is brand new.
We've just had it a week. What happened?
I don't know, it's been acting funny ever
since I took the insides out and washed it.
Seymour. Seymour!
What's the matter with you?
Why are you leaving the seeds
in the orange juice?
How else will people know it's real
orange juice? We don't advertise.
- Are you crazy?
- Certainly. For $35 a week...
- what do you want, a college professor?
- I'm gonna have a talk with you.
Listen to me, Seymour...
Don't you yell at me. If you do,
you'll have a mental case on your hands.
- Why, what's the matter with you?
- This hand is driving me crazy.
Take it easy, Seymour.
The boss is thinking about expanding.
He's expanding?
What do you think is happening to my hand?
I walk in the street,
people throw peanuts at me.
- I'm quitting.
- Come here.
Put me down. Put me down, Steve.
I'm getting a nosebleed up here.
Now you've done it.
You've been violent, and you hurt me.
Well, I don't like it.
I'll slap you right in the face.
Look at this chest.
I'm sorry. How did it happen?
That's not very funny.
You like to abuse me, don't you?
First you hurt me, now you abuse me.
Don't you have any feelings for me?
I work hard back here. I try my best
to do my work and you always yell at me.
- I'm only kidding.
- You're not kidding.
I try my best to do my work
and everybody says I'm always...
- But it's just for fun.
- Well, stop picking on me. I don't like it.
Look, I'm soothing you.
- All right, soothe me, but what's fair...
- Is this nice?
I like it.
- Yeah, but why do I always...
- Is this a friend? Look.
Yeah, you're a friend, Steve,
but I mean, I try...
- Make a bigger circle.
- Listen to me.
Hello? Al?
What? No kidding.
- Sure, I'll meet you tonight. So long.
- What happened?
I'm quitting.
They're putting me on television tonight.
- You're wrong.
- I'm wrong?
We're quitting.
We're going on television tonight.
- Remember, we're a team. Okay?
- Okay.
Al, where you been?
We go on in a few minutes.
Doing everything a first-class manager
has to do...
when his discovery
is on the pinnacle of success.
- You nervous, kid?
- Just a little.
I'm not nervous, Al.
That's because I got my act all set.
- You are going on?
- Certainly. I will go on with dynamite.
For television, people gotta be able to see
as well as hear you. Watch this.
I'll do Bette Davis.
Philip... I'm sorry, Al.
Philip, my darling, I want that letter.
I hurt my...
Philip, I say I want that letter.
I'm sick, do you hear?
Sick, sick, sick.
This is the way to treat Bette Davis?
Sit down and stay there.
I'm so excited.
I wonder if Steve is photogenic.
Of course not. Why, he's healthy as a horse.
Quiet, Irma. It's starting.
Ladies and gentlemen,
when you eat spaghetti...
do you look like this?
But you will never look like that...
if you use Non- Twist Spaghetti.
And now, we are proud to present...
The Star of Today
and The Star of Tomorrow.
Here is your master of ceremonies.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
We've been very fortunate this evening
in the choice of our star.
She is not only a Hollywood favorite,
she's an international favorite.
That star of two continents, Yvonne Yvonne.
Bonsoir.
Miss Yvonne, it's a real thrill
having you on our show this evening.
Merci. It's my pleasure.
And to all my millions of fans
sitting out there on your living room...
I blow you a kiss.
To you in the East, I kiss you.
To you in the West, I kiss you.
To you in the North, I kiss you.
And to all my other friends,
I kiss you in the South.
I'm going South.
In your last picture,
you did a wonderful French song.
Would you mind
doing that again for us now?
We've taken the liberty
of having our Star of Tomorrow...
a young chap by the name of Steve Laird
rehearse it...
so that he can do a duet with you.
I am very sorry, but I'm hoarse.
And I do not think it would be possible
to sing with Mr. Laird.
That's unfortunate, but I still want you
to meet our Star of Tomorrow...
a former orange juice salesman, Steve Laird.
- Well, it's a pleasure.
- How do you do, Miss Yvonne?
On second thought, my doctor told me...
the more I use my voice,
the quicker the hoarseness will go away.
I would be more than delighted
to sing with Mr. Laird.
From the boulevards of Paris
to the corners of Siam
Lovers know they must behave
The very way that I am
Regardless of the language
or the customs of the land
They all have
the very same demand
When I say give me love
Don't be meager, Gee
can't you see I'm overeager
Oh baby, oh baby, obey me
And when my lonely arms need a build-up
Get in my arms and keep 'em filled up
Oh baby, oh baby, obey me
Facts are facts
While I'm mad about your caress
So relax
there's only one word for yes
My love just lives for you
Why be lonely
I want you for my one and only
Oh baby, oh baby, obey me do
I'll take you through Paris, be your dolly
Oh what I'll show you in Pigalle
Oh baby, hey baby, obey me
I never like to kiss
like the highbrows
I want the kind that curls my eyebrows
Oh-ho, like this
Oh, baby
You will be
my gift from the Marshall Plan
And I will be
The king of the French Can-Can
My sweet, when I do this don't be gentle
I want you close and continental
Oh, baby...
I don't know what she's saying,
but it should happen to me
Crpe Suzettes
Why, that's all the French I know
No, my pet
You'll learn every word, but "Noi"
The French are never wrong
Fifty million
Baby for you I'd trust a billion
Oh baby, oh baby, obey me
No maybe, hey baby, you slay me
Oh baby, obey me, do
That was wonderful, Yvonne.
It was a real pleasure
having you on our program.
Well, thank you.
It was a joy to work with
such young talent as Mr. Laird.
And as we French so often do...
I would like to say "au revoir,"
and wish you luck.
Don't be upset, Jane.
That's just the French way of shaking hands.
It's like when the Germans are leaving,
and they say "gesundheit."
And now, young man, what have you
chosen for your solo number?
I'd like to do my version
ofThe Vagabond Song.
- Harry, do you know that?
- Yes, I do.
- What key?
- Hey, wait a minute.
He's my partner and he's got
a special arrangement of this song...
and I'm the only one
who knows how it goes.
I'll take that.
- What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna lead the band.
You know anything about leading a band?
Do I know about leading a band?
I just took the stick from him.
I'm gonna lead the band...
and you have the nerve to ask me
do I know anything about it.
- Well, do you?
- No.
Come on.
Horns up.
What are you doing?
I'm a wanderer on life's highway
Facing a world with a song and a smile
All right. You, out.
What are you trying to do here?
I'm leading a number. You're supposed...
- What are you doing to the band?
- What are you worried about the band for?
- You can use a quart.
- What are you doing to the band?
Why don't you sing your number?
Let me worry about the band.
They're under my jurisdiction.
I got the baton.
- Baton?
- The baton. Now let's laugh it up here.
Old man trouble keeps from my way
What are you doing here?
Why don't you... What are you doing?
Happiness travels with me all the while
You'll find life's long road is weary
- What are you doing?
- I'm singing.
You don't hear no noise
going on in the band now?
- I don't hear a thing.
- He's giving me aggravation.
He won't follow the stick.
I'll smack you right in the...
You don't think I'll do it, huh?
We're on television, Seymour.
Let's do this thing right.
I'm not one of that great legion
With their traveling care
And though I havert much religion
Here's my only prayer
I broke the arm, Steve, the whole arm,
the bone is busted.
The whole arm is...
Life is not
Life is not
Life is not just tinsel pleasure
That's so easy to find
But I can find
But I can find
In the middle, you'll find it...
But I can find life's greatest pleasures
In my peace of mind
Good boy.
Give me the road
Just a little louder. Here we go, fellas.
All right!
I'm not gonna stand here
and have you tolerate me.
Where did you get this band?
Don't yell at the band.
I'm leading the band.
I'm the conductor, but don't yell at them,
that's a union band.
I don't care about you or your union band.
See how mad they get?
You'd better say you're sorry.
- I will not.
- I'm warning you.
- No.
- Off the stand.
I'm sorry.
All right. There's just
one little mistake...
One little mistake?
Yeah, you're supposed to overlook it
when it happens.
- Overlook a mistake?
- Sure.
- Are you out of your mind?
- I'm as normal as you or anyone else.
Get off there.
No, they're not gonna take me back.
I have the grenades.
I've gotta mow them all down.
I say, may I report, sir? I'd like to try...
- Give me the note.
- All right.
There's one note missing.
Give him one note.
Big deal. Sing.
Give me the road
The wide winding highways
Just let me know the done beaten byways
And I'll travel along
singing a vagabond song
Well give me the flowers
The birds sing at morning
Just let me see that sunrise and dawning
And I'll travel along
singing a vagabond song
Happy you may be
with your fashions, your passions
Your smug little parts you play
But you could never fool me
With your foolery, your jewelry
All I can say
- Give me the stars
- Give me the road
The wide winding highway
That's where I
Travel along
singing a vagabond song
Here you are,
12 cans of Non-Twist Spaghetti.
Twelve cans of spaghetti?
What are you kicking about?
The headliners last week only got six,
and without the meat sauce.
You know, television is not in a position
to pay off money.
Television is in its birth.
I got some news for you.
I don't want to be a midwife.
Fine manager you are.
We did better at the orange juice stand.
Sorry. We pay off in spaghetti.
Would you be good enough
to open up a can?
I'd like to pour some in my wallet,
so I can see I was working this week.
Fine thing.
Will speak to the government about this
next time I pick up my unemployment check.
You know what Steve probably got
for singing tonight?
- What?
- Probably got $1,000.
What would Al get then?
Let's see. Al is Steve's agent,
so he gets 10%, which is $100.
But knowing Al,
he'll probably come home with $150.
$150?
Jane, it only costs $2
for a marriage license.
Do you realize that Al and I
can get married 75 times?
Honey, you're looking at a girl
who wants to be married just once.
Yes, just once.
And now with Steve in television...
I've got a boy
who can really bring home the groceries.
Groceries? Don't you think
I'd better start the dinner?
Honey, there aren't that many ambulances
in the city.
Now what is it?
You don't have any confidence in me.
- Why?
- Why? Very easy.
You remember what happened
the last time you cooked?
The recipe called for sherry,
and what did you do?
I put in shellac. But now it's different.
Now we got a pressure cooker.
Even an idiot couldn't make a mistake.
That remark gets my sporting blood up.
Look, there's a duck in the icebox.
Now, why don't you see if you can cook it
in the pressure cooker?
Jane, when I get finished cooking this duck,
you won't know what hit you.
Monsieur?
I didn't have the chance to tell you
how much I enjoyed you.
Well, thank you.
I think you have a wonderful voice.
Lady, where you looking for the vocal cords?
Where you looking for the...
Steve, you were wonderful.
I can't say "au revoir"
like some people do...
and I won't kiss you on both cheeks...
but this should tell you in good
American language how proud I am of you.
Where should I put this stuff?
Who cares where you put it?
Tell me, Steve,
how much did you get for tonight?
That's what we got, 12 cans of spaghetti.
Spaghetti?
Take it easy, Jane. Don't blow your top.
I am just as disappointed as you are.
- You mean Steve got paid off in spaghetti?
- But with meat sauce, yet.
I should have known that anything
you handle must end up nothing.
Don't scream at me.
After all, I got 50% of the boys'.
Do you think I'm happy to have
50% of 12 cans of spaghetti?
Well, here's your commission.
Jane, wait a minute.
Jane, I'm sorry it turned out this way.
You couldn't help it, honey.
You were wonderful.
So what? Where's it getting me?
Maybe it just doesn't figure for me
to be an entertainer.
But how else can we get married, Steve?
There are guys getting married every day
that aren't actors.
Truck drivers, milkmen, mail men.
They all got kids.
They seem to be getting along fine.
- Yeah, but how do they live? In some joint...
- Not on Park Avenue, honey...
but they're happy, and we could be, too.
What do you say, Jane?
- You know I love you, Steve.
- But that's not enough.
I want you to marry me
and forget your ideas...
of "What good is happiness,
if you can't buy money with it."
I guess maybe you're right.
And I do love you.
Here you are, Al. Want an hors d'oeuvre?
Please, chicken. I'm thinking.
What about me, Irma?
Just because I laid an egg on television,
don't mean I can't have one here.
- Excuse me. Here you are, Seymour.
- I don't want it now. My feelings are hurt.
Will take it.
Just a minute, Al.
This is my apartment, my phone.
Do you mind?
Yes? Who's calling? Mr. C.Y. Sanford?
- You're a Hollywood producer?
- Hollywood producer! Let me handle this.
Quiet, Al. Go back to your spaghetti.
Yes, Mr. Sanford. What?
That's wonderful.
He saw you on television
and he likes you, Steve.
Yes? What?
Yes.
Yes, it's 185 West 73rd Street,
apartment 3-B.
Thank you, Mr. Sanford.
- What's it all about, Jane?
- You know as much as I do, Steve.
I want to know one thing. What about me?
Did he see me on television?
- Yes.
- Well, what did he say?
He sends his regards.
I had a very big day today.
First I get spaghetti, now I get regards.
- This is show business?
- Look, Jane.
I am the boys' manager
and demand to know, what is the act?
Will tell you.
Am Steve's fiance and feel he may be
on verge of getting a big break.
And you are not going to ruin things.
From now on, I'm handling Steve.
Right, dear?
But I thought we were forgetting
about show business?
Not if it can give us everything we want.
Please, Steve.
Well, might as well put on
that old ball and chain now.
Listen, Jane, you can't lock me out.
Must be some way I can pitch in.
There certainly is.
You can help me clean up this apartment.
Mr. Sanford will be here in a few minutes.
He's leaving for the Coast tonight...
and I've got a feeling
things are really gonna start popping.
Jane.
How's the duck coming, honey?
I think you'd better open the spaghetti.
That'll be $3, sir.
Please wait for me.
I'll be down in a few minutes.
- I'll have to leave the meter running.
- That'll be all right.
In fact I might want you
for the entire evening.
Yes, sir.
He's here.
Remember what I told you to do?
That's perfect.
No, not quite perfect.
There's one thing wrong.
It's you.
You can't even be in the same room.
- Mr. Sanford?
- Yes.
I'm Jane Stacey,
Mr. Laird's fiance and manager.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Thank you.
- This is Al.
- Friend, understand you're from Hollywood.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
- And this is my roommate, Irma Peterson.
- How do you do?
Mr. Sanford,
is it true what they say about Lassie?
How do you do?
And this is the young man
you wanted to meet, Steve Laird.
- Young man, how do you do?
- How do you do?
There's no one to meet in here.
The room's empty.
- What was that?
- Nothing. Nothing.
Wort you sit down, Mr. Sanford?
Now, I'm sure you and Mr. Laird
have a great deal to talk about.
Well, I'm a man of few words.
Quite by accident,
I saw Mr. Laird on television.
And I'm convinced
that he could be a great star...
with my film company in Hollywood.
Are you in a position
to make a definite offer?
I should be. You see, I own the company.
- Here's my offer.
- Friend?
I have utmost faith
in Mr. Laird's ability...
but it might take six months or a year
to groom him for stardom.
But we were planning
to be married immediately.
I'm coming to that, young lady.
I happen to be a bachelor.
- That's no good. She's in love with Steve.
- Quiet, Irma.
What I meant was that
I have a large home in Hollywood...
enough room
to accommodate all you people.
Now, why don't you all go out
with Mr. Laird and be my guests?
And you can have your wedding
at my home.
Sounds great!
I believe that if Steve is important enough
for me to invest $500 a week in him...
in order to make him a star...
I should be willing to pay
all your expenses out there...
to see that he's happy.
That's certainly fair.
- What do you say, Steve?
- I'm all for it.
Good. Will you please sign the contract?
I have but one stipulation.
You must leave for the Coast tomorrow
as I have a part in mind for you.
And you must start rehearsals.
- Is that satisfactory?
- Yes.
Well, here goes.
That's fine.
Now, I'll wire my representative to meet you
at the station when you arrive in Hollywood.
Goodbye.
Young man, I hope we'll be together
for a great many years.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Mr. Sanford.
Mamma mia. $500 a week.
You see, Al, how a real manager works?
Wait a minute.
Should've asked the guy for an advance.
Got to buy tickets.
It's gonna take a lot of dough
to get out to the Coast.
That's where you and I are different.
When you are dealing with big people,
you must be big yourself.
We'll use our own money
and then when we get to Hollywood...
we'll hand in an expense account.
Why, I wouldn't dream of embarrassing
Mr. Sanford by asking for an advance.
Might have a point there, Jane.
Yeah, we go out in style
and pad the expense account.
Hollywood! Isn't it exciting?
Hey, what about Seymour?
Let's tell him the good news.
Yeah, forgot all about the kid.
It's about time you opened the door.
I shaved myself seven times already.
I'm running out of skin.
- Where to, sir?
- Washington.
I'm going to sign Margaret Truman.
Mr. Sanford, just a minute.
Hello, boys.
I'm having one of my best nights.
I've just signed up a whole troupe
for my picture company.
That's pleasant, Mr. Sanford.
Now, we'll go home.
You know, you surprise me,
breaking out of the sanitarium again.
If you do that just once more,
we'll have to take your fountain pen away.
Then you'll never be able
to play producer again.
It's you, Al.
All right, answer these questions.
Have you had any employment
the week ending the sixth?
No.
- Have you turned down any offers of work?
- No.
Have you tried to get any employment?
Naturally.
Okay, there's your check, Al.
Desire a word with you, friend.
I'm leaving for the Coast this evening.
The Coast?
Yes, wore myself out looking for work.
Am badly in need of a rest.
Would like you to forward my check
to Hollywood.
- Forward it?
- No expense to the government.
Here are self-addressed envelopes
equipped with airmail stamps.
Have to turn you down, Al.
Turn me down? Your best customer?
After been dealing with this firm
for six years. Never missed a week.
Rules, you know. Sorry.
Don't appeal to my sympathy.
I'm telling you one thing.
Tactics like this will only embitter me.
They will not drive me to work.
Al, we got trouble.
Seymour won't go to Hollywood
and I can't leave him here.
But you don't need the kid. You're the star.
I know, but we've been friends
for such a long time.
And after all,
I'd like him there for my wedding.
What are you gonna do with him
once he's out there?
Find something for the kid.
All big stars have stand-ins.
I'll use Seymour.
Okay, it's silly sentiment,
but will talk to the lad for you.
But you can't con him any more, Al.
He knows you don't believe
he has any talent and that we're not a team.
- So, if he doesn't go, I don't go.
- Will you leave it to me?
Will meet you at Grand Central Station.
The kid is as good as on the train.
What are you crying for, kid?
Seymour, you're going to miss the train.
I'm not going.
Not going?
When this is your great opportunity?
My opportunity? You listen to me, Al.
You listen to me, Seymour.
Do you think I'd take you out to California
and not utilize you?
Utilize me? Is that good?
Good? Gonna make a fortune
through your talent.
Yeah? How?
Do you think I'm going out there
because of Steve?
Well, he's got the contract.
Don't you see, kid,
he's just the decoy for you.
You're the hidden talent.
Do you realize where we're going?
- Hollywood?
- And where is Hollywood?
- I don't know. I didn't go that far in school.
- Why, kid, in the Golden West.
And who is the big star of the West
in pictures and television?
- Hopalong Cassidy?
- Right.
And how many Hopalong Cassidys are there?
- One?
- One. Do you think that's enough?
Why?
Son, they are crying for more Hopalongs.
Crying for more Western stars,
men who are rugged and strong physically.
My chest ain't going nowhere.
I'm too skinny.
Listen, kid, they fatten cattle out there...
and if it's good enough for a bull,
it's good enough for you.
That sounds fair.
Gee, Hopalong Cassidy.
- I could be Skipalong Seymour.
- Certainly, kid. You're the Western type.
I can see you now, riding down the trail.
You're riding.
You're riding faster and faster
and faster and faster.
Now, you're off your horse.
You got two guns on your side.
Wait. What's that rustling noise?
- Rustlers?
- Right.
Now you're stalking, and stalking...
and stalking through the underbrush.
Looking for the killers.
There are 40.
40 desperate outlaws waiting to drill you.
- What's the matter?
- I'm scared. I think I'm outnumbered.
No, kid, you're great. You're a natural.
When we get out there, I'll show you.
Are you with me?
- I'm with you.
- Good. Meet you at the station.
Al, my boy, sometimes you frighten me.
My guns are gone. Will get my lasso.
Al, come back! They got me!
Oh, Al, what kind of accommodations
do we have?
I think you and Jane have a drawing room.
But, Al, I can't draw.
Now, where's that idiot?
Lost, I hope. Come on.
Can I help you, mister?
- Car 154, pardner.
- Yes, sir.
We are running up a lot of tabs.
Still think you should have got
an advance from Sanford.
Al, don't be so petty.
The trouble with you is
you're just not a good judge of people.
I think Al has a point.
After a big lunch like this...
why should we have soup for dessert?
Honey, that's a finger bowl.
You're supposed to wash your hands in it.
Now she tells me.
How much did you tip the porter
last night, Irma?
Al handled it for me.
Gave the lad $100.
- $100 for a porter?
- He was very efficient.
Al, must you always be a chiseler?
Now, wait a minute.
When opportunity strikes...
or when someone knows about loyalty...
and as far as financial difficulties
are concerned...
I'm certainly not persuaded to do
as other people might say and do.
One may be right, one may be wrong,
but as far as my feelings are concerned...
you can never designate the possibilities
of anyone knowing they're sure.
What'd I say?
Seymour, will you stay out of this.
Nobody's talking to you.
- But, on the other hand...
- Shut up.
Hold tight.
Come on up here.
Now look around. There.
Hey!
- What's the idea, Steve?
- The surs in my eyes.
There's no sun here.
Must be a reflection.
Something out there's blinding me.
Hey, Steve, isn't that the girl...
Eat up, Seymour. Gonna be a long ride.
Got to build them muscles for the West.
- I was about to say, Al...
- All right, kid. Go ahead, say it.
I can't eat the roll unless
there's jelly on it.
Hold it right there, please, Miss Yvonne.
Thank you.
So you're going through to Hollywood,
Miss Yvonne?
Oui. But only for a short time.
Then Pierre and I are going directly
to Las Vegas to divorce Victor.
Pierre?
The only one who truly understand me.
N'est-ce pas, Pierre?
Any chance of a reconciliation?
None. Victor think I'm an eccentric.
I don't see why.
But we shall plead extreme mental cruelty.
Wort we, Pierre?
Miss Yvonne,
what do you think of the divorce?
Naturellement, I'm completely heartbroken.
And you can quote me as saying,
"I'm through with men forever."
- I think I'll run out and get some magazines.
- No, honey, I'll get them for you.
No, I'll go, Jane. A walk will help me
clear the cobwebs off my mind.
All right, honey, but hurry.
Our train leaves in five minutes.
Don't worry,
I never missed a train in my life.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Have you a Flair, Look, and Life
for my girlfriend?
I better have something to read myself.
Have the new Flash Gordon comic books
come in?
- I think so, miss.
- Swell.
All aboard!
Gosh! Here.
Jane! Jane! Wait for me!
"Am wiring $100.
Take plane and meet us in Kansas City."
That ought to do it.
Don't like chicken to fly.
That dame's in a tailspin
even when she's on the ground.
Let's find the conductor. We'll wire
in care of the station agent in Chicago.
Are you sure you don't mind
flying me to Albuquerque?
Albuquerque? You hired me
to take you to Kansas City.
That's right, because
I'm going to California.
California?
Well, I thought you said you had to meet
some friends at Albuquerque?
Yes. That's why I want you
to drop me in Kansas City.
Look, lady, will you make up your mind?
I'm going berserk.
Berserk? That's no good.
- I don't know anybody in Berserk.
- Oh, mother!
Jane! Jane! Wait for me!
Well, ma'am, you almost missed it.
Gosh! I'm sure glad I made it this time.
I've got friends aboard.
We're all going to Hollywood.
Well, that's news for the engineer,
'cause this train is headed for Chicago.
Chicago? Let me out of here.
Hey, we just passed Dodge City.
I'd better change my time.
Hey, look at that monkey. He got my watch.
What's a monkey want with a watch?
Can he tell time?
Come on, let's get it.
- Monkey.
- Here, monk.
- Come on, little monkey.
- Here, monkey.
Hey, looking for something?
- I lost my watch.
- What's the difference?
I'll tell you what time it is
when it is time.
This is the way to look for a watch?
Well, come in, sit down.
How nice.
We each have a traveling companion.
Traveling companion.
Are you crazy, lady? I'm a human being.
- Will you tell him to give me my watch?
- Yes.
If you tell me what the reward is.
What are you doing on this train?
I have a contract to go to Hollywood
to make pictures.
- With who?
- C.Y. Sanford.
- Never heard of him.
- He gave me a great big deal.
I'll give you a much better one.
You're going to Hollywood the wrong way.
What do you mean?
I mean I never heard of Mr. Sanford.
But I do need a new leading man
for my next picture.
What kind of a guy must he be?
He should be tall and handsome...
and he should have black wavy hair...
and big brown eyes...
and he should be a little frightened.
I'm sorry, I haven't had much experience.
Don't worry, we'll take long rehearsals.
Well, I'd better go.
You see, I have a friend out here.
Forget about your friend.
Think about your career.
Just relax and think about it.
Well, thanks a lot, but I can't take
the part. I got trouble.
Jane, you've gotta quit
running away from me.
I gotta talk to you.
Now, you're going to sit here
and listen to me.
I love you and only you.
Say you believe me.
Yeah, I believe you, Steve, but...
Stop it, Seymour. I'm looking for Jane.
Here I am, Steve.
Did you want to tell me something?
Jane...
I believe you, honey.
And I don't mean to be jealous...
it's just that there's something about you
that makes me hate all other women.
Will you forgive me?
I even ordered us drinks,
so we can celebrate.
Here's to us.
- And you'll never doubt me again, right?
- Right.
I got a canasta. I'm out.
Albuquerque. 15-minute stop.
Al! Al!
Chicken! Where you been?
What took you so long?
Did you come by covered wagon?
Don't scold me, Al.
We're in terrible trouble.
- Trouble?
- Yes, look.
Holy smoke! Shanghaied by a screwball.
How'll we explain it to Jane
after she spent everything she had?
Should have never let that dame manage
things. Warned her to get the dough first.
From now on, I'm taking over.
Al, don't be angry at Jane.
Remember, it's better to give than receive.
What has that got to do
with this murderous situation?
Nothing, Al. I just thought
it was a good time to quote someone.
Scram, chicken. Got to think.
Steve, you better go with her.
Break the news to Jane.
Am going to start operating.
- An orange juice, please.
- Yes, ma'am.
Shame on you. You don't do that. Be quiet.
Garon, make it two.
- Where is that young...
- Wanna talk to you about that.
Have you noticed how that boy acts
when he's around you?
Yes, but fortunately I have Pierre along,
so I'm not too chilled.
Come now, I'm surprised
that a sophisticated dame like you...
You naughty boy. Come on down.
I'm surprised
that a sophisticated dame like you...
cannot spot this lad's
smoldering, reluctant, suppressed desires.
What do you mean?
The boy is nuts about you.
- Nuts?
- Yeah, as you French would say, nuts.
Amour, nuts.
- Well, what about the other girl?
- His mother.
I'm going to Hollywood
to start my new picture...
in which I could use a new leading man
like Mr. Laird.
My present one, it's getting much too old,
a man of 32.
Great! Well, how about the kid?
Unfortunately, I have to go
to Las Vegas first.
My business manager
owns a nightclub there...
the Lucky Dollar Club.
I think I could arrange for Steve
to work there while I'm getting my divorce.
It's a deal.
But you gotta understand, Miss Yvonne,
this has to be a secret between us.
As you French would say, entre preneur.
Well, let everything up to me.
I see you in two days
at the Lucky Dollar Club...
- when Steve open there. All right?
- Right.
That'll be 20 cents.
Madame, your pleasure.
Well, why all the gaiety?
Al, Jane's trying to figure a way
to get us back to New York.
- New York? What's playing there?
- Listen, Al...
Now, you listen to me, Jane.
You got us into this hole,
you with your managing.
You can't talk to Jane that way.
Look, kid, let's face it.
With this dame managing you,
you are going nowhere with great rapidity.
- Why, you got a deal?
- Sure I got a deal.
Got a terrific job
singing in a swank Las Vegas club.
But only on condition that from here on in,
Al handles things.
Think it over.
I thought it over, Manager.
Now that's what I call
thinking constructively.
Seymour, you go and help the girls
with their bags.
Jane, check in at the Rosa Mission Hotel.
We got to stay here overnight.
Steve, would like a word with you.
Now, kid, I had a terrific time
putting this deal across.
- But I finally got to the right party.
- What party?
- How's that?
- What party?
- Yvonne.
- Yvonne.
Yvonne! You want me to get killed?
What if Jane finds out?
She don't have to.
It's one of the chances we got to take.
You open at the club, you're a hit,
Hollywood snatches you.
Then you can lose the French dame,
you marry Jane...
and your kids will thank me
to their dying day.
Now, you go and romance Jane
while I promote transportation to Las Vegas.
All right, but that orange juice stand...
is beginning to look like
the First National Bank to me.
Blankets. Real Indian blankets.
Knock off.
I need it like I need a hole in the head.
Excellent buy.
With each blanket, bead souvenir.
Look, Hiawatha, will you hit the road?
- Just a minute, noble brother.
- Yes?
- This is your car?
- One of them.
The other three are parked
in back of my wigwam.
Pretty classy heap.
Heap classy. But got to get rid of it.
See? Under tires? Dirty.
Chief, that much dough in blankets?
Do very well.
How many you got there?
- 20.
- That'll do it.
Just need 20. How much are they?
- $10 apiece.
- Cheap, Chief. You'll take a check?
No. Little suspicious...
ever since my great-grandfather
sold Manattan Island.
Want cash.
Well, my treasurer will be here
in half an hour.
- You'll trust me?
- Yes.
Because I'll be here, too.
Blankets. Get your red hot blankets.
Get your red hot blankets.
- Blankets, ladies? You married?
- No.
Then you'll need them.
Keep you nice and warm.
Are you a Sioux?
If you don't pay for the blankets,
I'll sue you.
Clever? Just made it up.
You poor dear soul, you.
What the white folks have done to you.
What tribe was your mother?
Stay out of my private life.
You wanna buy blankets or don't you?
We don't need any blankets.
Why didn't you say so in the first place?
Indian nuts?
Halavah? Chocolate covered
with nuts on top?
Well, then, scram, tourists.
If you're not gonna buy nothing,
get out of here.
Get your blankets.
Red hot blankets.
Red hot blankets.
Buenas noches, seorita.
Auf Wiedersehen, Senator.
Before I sing a great love song for you,
seorita, I take this rose...
I kiss it, and give it to you to wear.
- Bravo!
- Bravo!
- Al, did you see the moon?
- Why, is it missing?
No, Al. Look out there.
Did you ever see a sky like that?
There's the Big Diaper
and the Little Diaper...
and Venus and Mercurochrome.
They're all out tonight.
Then they ain't lonely.
They don't need me. Scram.
"Scram," Al?
But we've been engaged for five years.
We've got to take advantage
of nights like these.
Agree we've got to take advantage.
That's why I'm sitting here waiting
for a pigeon to get into a little game.
But, Al, don't I mean anything to you?
How can you talk about gambling
when the night was made for love?
Chicken, don't get hysterical.
I got to make a buck.
- But the moon is...
- Chicken, got news for you.
The moon is made out of green cheese...
and I'm the kind of a guy
who likes a little bread with it.
So will you very kindly blow?
Demanding dame.
All alone, friend?
Why, yes. Do you indulge?
Well, now and then I play a little cribbage.
- Ever gamble?
- No.
But I've always had a yearning.
Friend, yearn no more.
- Sit down.
- Thank you.
Butterfingers.
May I deal once?
- Lf you insist.
- Thank you.
Where do you learn
to shuffle cards like that, friend?
I have three young grandchildren.
When they come over to the house
once a week, I play Old Maid with them.
- Will open for $200.
- I'll raise you $200.
- Raise.
- I'll raise.
- Raise.
- I'll raise.
- Will call.
- How many cards would you like, sir?
None. Am pat. How about you?
I haven't looked at these yet,
but I'll use these.
- Okay, check.
- All right.
Read them and weep. Straight.
Now, what does it take to beat that, friend?
It'll take at least a flush.
I haven't got it.
But I have got a full house.
How do you know?
You haven't looked at the cards.
It's beginner's luck, I guess.
Well, it's 7:00. Past my bedtime.
Guess we'll have to go now.
Must you?
Well, I got...
You still have $400 of my money, you know.
Like to give you a chance to get it back,
but got to be in Las Vegas in the morning.
Sit down, friend.
You're a likely-looking fellow.
Like the way you handle cards.
Almost as good as I was when I broke in.
You a gambler?
Let's just say I'm a businessman.
But I represent a group of gamblers.
We're planning on opening in Vegas.
I'm always looking for new talent
to handle one of my roulette wheels.
You interested?
Well, might be. What is your proposition?
10% of take
and advance transportation to Las Vegas.
- Well...
- Good.
I like a man who makes decisions.
I've chartered a plane.
We leave in half an hour.
- But I have friends.
- It's a large plane.
Now, start packing, friend.
What's the big idea?
My goodness!
What are you doing under the sand?
A little doggie buried me.
What's the matter, can't a guy even relax?
There's Al.
Excuse me a minute, girls.
- I've been trying to locate you, Al.
- More trouble?
- That Yvonne dame is in town.
- How do you know?
Go ahead, wise guy,
figure out an angle for that.
I told you we'd have to play the odds, kid.
The odds are 50-1
I'm dead if Jane finds out.
This is my wedding night.
Steve, my boy,
this is no time for sentiment.
Sentiment? I got news for you.
If Jane finds out Yvonne's in town,
I'm not opening tonight.
Steve, take my word.
Jane will not be at the opening tonight.
Now, get back to her
before she gets suspicious.
Got to get an angle.
- Got to get an angle.
- Al.
You didn't say anything
about my new bathing suit.
You got one on?
Al, don't you pay any attention?
Chicken, with the problems
I've got on my mind...
you could be wearing a suit of armor
and wouldn't notice.
Al, if you're in trouble, I was thinking...
Chicken, with you, that's dangerous.
Wait a minute. I got an idea.
Tell you what I want you to do.
I'm sick, I tell you.
- What are you doing here?
- Where is she?
Chicken. Oh, was right. Was right.
She looked murderous all day,
and when she didn't call me...
I knew the poor kid was off the beam.
- You better have a look at her, Doc.
- Doctor...
Ain't got time for introductions.
What do you say, Doc? How bad is she?
Wonder where she caught it.
- Probably contagious, too.
- Be quiet, Al.
Doctor, is there anything seriously
the matter with this girl?
- Could I see you in private, please?
- Yes.
Chicken, your act is terrific.
You even look sick.
How'd you get that green complexion?
You know, when I do anything,
I always do it right.
- I swallowed a whole bottle of pickles.
- Great, chicken.
I'm going to sneak back
to the Quicksand Club...
and after tonight's cleaning,
you and me is as good as hitched.
When I think of marrying you,
I could stay sick forever.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Lucky Dollar.
We start our floorshow
by bringing you a new singing discovery...
who is making his first appearance.
How about a great big Western welcome?
Mr. Steve Laird.
This is a pretty song
But I don't like it
Don't want a city song
Wanna sing Western
That is the best darn music in all the world
We're gonna have
A low-down hoe-down tonight
Step up, stranger, try your hand
Have a hi-dee-hoe-down tonight
To the diddle of the fiddle
and the guitar band
Gonna git a little gal and sashay tonight
Prairie music, that's our brand
Who cares if they're playir it right
Long as we can hear the fiddle
and the guitar band
Wort he be wonderful in my next picture?
Yvonne, darling,
the part calls for an older man.
Don't worry.
When I'll be through with him,
he will be older and wiser.
...beef and barbecue ball
You can bet a silver dollar
I'm a-goir tonight.
Finest wing-a-ding in the land
See me a-heel-and-toeir tonight
To the diddle of the fiddle
and the guitar band.
Swing your partner down the middle
But be sure you're with the diddle
And the twiddle of the fiddle
and the guitar band
Get ready for the square dance!
Make way for a lop-eared, ring-tailed...
smoke-eating, dad-blasted,
iron-livered varmint.
Oh, I'm gonna ride a mean coyote tonight
Smoke some cactus, that's my brand
Watch my pistols blazir tonight
In the middle of the fiddle and guitar band
Oh I'm gonna shoot
a few dumb sheriffs tonight
Chase that posse off my land
Don't you rile me stranger tonight
Or I'll riddle up the fiddle
and the guitar band
Now, get, Seymour.
I gotta call the square dance.
Get yourself.
I'm calling the square dance, pardner.
Now get. Go on, get.
Form your squares and circle 'round
Gonna have
the best square dance in town
Pass the biscuits, pass the grits
Pass the pills afore it hits
Play it pretty on the accordeen
There's old Pete. Say, how've you been?
Promenade, left and watch that twist
Grand right left, right after this
Got a dog named Ginger
How she yaps
Does she bite?
No, Ginger snaps
Promenade away we go
Finish up with a do-sa-do
Don't feel badly, Jane.
At least you can hear him.
But I did so want to see him.
Well, I guess this is better than nothing.
You can bet a silver dollar I'm goir tonight
Finest wingding in the land
See me a-heel-and-toeir tonight
To the diddle of the fiddle
and the guitar band
Swing your partner down the middle
But be sure you're with the diddle
And the twiddle of the fiddle
and the guitar band
- The show is over.
- It is? Well, I feel better.
Irma, how come you recovered so quickly?
- There's no point being sick now.
- What?
I come from a fighting family.
We fight these things off quickly.
- Hardy stock, you know.
- Wait a minute.
Irma Peterson, did you purposely get sick...
to keep me from going
to the opening tonight?
Jane, how can you say such things?
Never mind, you better tell me the truth.
Now, Jane, don't pump me.
Irma, are you keeping something from me
that I should know?
Jane, you can beat me, you can torture me,
you can wrack me on the wheel...
you can quarter me
into six and a half pieces.
But you'll never find out from me
that Yvonne, the French actress...
is responsible for Steve's singing
at the Lucky Dollar Club.
Yvonne. Yvonne?
That woman we saw on the train?
Yes. But I refuse to answer.
Why, that French...
That French...
And Steve promised me
he'd never see her again.
Now you understand why we didn't want you
to go to the opening tonight.
Not go? Are you kidding?
Why, I'll give him an opening
that'll close both his eyes.
All right, Jane,
but remember, I didn't tell you.
Let's not go back to the table.
Let's go over to the bungalow,
and we'll talk about the script.
I'm gonna level with you.
You've been very decent
to give me this break...
but I'm in love with someone else.
So what? Every man is in love.
That's what make it interesting.
But you don't understand.
She and I are gonna get married tonight.
Married? But that's for peasant.
Well, I'm pretty much of a peasant myself.
So long.
Well, it's too bad. You're such a nice boy.
So I'll say, au revoir.
- Well, Lafayette's mother, I'm here.
- Jane, honey, where've you been?
I missed your opening,
but I arrived in time to close you out.
Here, here's your ring.
Wear it through your nose,
so she can lead you around on a leash.
Jane.
Now that you are single, come with me.
What is this?
Well, that's what gives the house
a little edge.
You mean, you cannot lose?
Lose? The house lose?
Don't even think like that, my friend.
- That isn't healthy.
- Got you.
Good luck, my boy. We'll be around.
- Al.
- Chicken.
Told you, never bust
into my place of business.
Al, I got terrible news.
Jane found out about Yvonne
and had a fight with Steve...
- and she's going back to New York.
- So what?
Al, did you hear what I said?
I said Jane found...
Look, chicken, am not interested in Jane.
Steve was a big hit tonight,
and with the little job I'm doing here...
we got a one-way ticket on that gravy train.
Al, we're opening in a few minutes.
Come on over and check in.
Am coming.
Now, chicken,
run along and rejoice in your good fortune.
Before you know it, you will be Mrs. Al.
Mrs. Al.
My Al, respectable businessman.
Al. He's so untidy.
He'll lose a job
if he doesn't keep this place neat.
The things I have to do
to help that mars career.
Oh, well, a man is only as good
as the woman behind him.
Jane, you can't do this. You can't go back.
Irma Peterson, the less you say, the better.
But Jane, I thought
it was for your own good.
For my own good?
Locking me in this room
on my wedding night...
while you pretend to be dying...
so that Steve can be alone
with that French, man-eating shark.
Letting that deadbeat boyfriend of yours...
and that quack doctor
make a fool out of me.
Jane, you're wrong,
he wasrt a quack doctor.
He was a lumberjack.
I should have known
when I saw him examining your head.
Now, if you'll do me a favor,
you'll get out.
But Jane, we've been friends
for so many years.
We were friends.
- Something wrong, miss?
- Everything's wrong.
You see, Jane's angry at Steve...
and she thinks
I was trying to make a monkey out of her.
- I don't think you'd understand.
- I don't think anybody would.
Can we drive you anyplace, miss?
Yes, would you drive me
to the Quicksand Club?
Sure. Hop in, sister.
It was awfully sweet of you boys
to give me a lift.
That's all right, ma'am. Happy to do it.
Next time you have a firemars ball,
count me in.
Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.
Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.
15, black.
Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.
8, black.
Take it easy.
That might have been an accident.
Place your bets.
24, black.
Seems like everybody's lucky tonight.
Take over, Jeff.
Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.
But, tell you, didn't do it.
Don't know what happened.
Well, don't worry about it. We'll find out.
The autopsy will show everything.
Look, friend,
you can only double-cross us once.
You cost us $50,000.
You're going on your last ride. Get in.
Hold it, the cops.
Chicken!
Chicken, they are taking me for a ride.
Is that wonderful?
You only worked for them one night
and already they're entertaining you.
- Thank you, officers. I found him.
- Okay.
Honey, I...
Take a last look at your boyfriend, sister.
We are bumping him off.
Bumping him off?
After the way he worked for you?
And I cut the wires,
so the wheels wouldn't be so messy.
- So. You're both in on it?
- Yes.
- Snatch the dame, Pete.
- Come on, in.
Look, fellas,
you got nothing against us personally.
You're out $50,000.
How are you gonna get it back
if you kill the two of us?
- What are you getting at?
- Can raise the dough, friend.
- Am willing to offer security.
- What kind?
You can hold my girlfriend.
Al, would you trust me with strange men?
Will only be for 24 hours.
Know I can depend on you, chicken.
Well, what do you say, fellas?
What do you say?
Pull up the car, Pete. All right, get out.
You better have $50,000
at the Quicksand Club in 24 hours...
- or you'll never see this dame again.
- Do not worry, friend.
Goodbye, chicken. Take care of yourself.
Sheriff!
My girl, somebody's kidnapped my girl.
Kidnapped? What's your name, bud?
Al. Work at the Quicksand Club.
Quicksand Club, huh?
Ain't that that shady spot outside of town?
Yeah. What were you doing there?
Bartender.
Look, Sheriff, don't make me talk so much.
You don't know what I've been through.
Four men jumped my girl and me.
Fought like a wild man.
Had them all licked.
When they were joined by a fifth guy,
who blackjacked me.
Take it easy, pardner.
How do we know this story's on the level?
You gotta believe me! You gotta believe me!
Hey, that's the man. That's him.
Bill, if this guy's story is true...
we got something
on the Corrigan mob at last.
- Corrigan mob? - Yeah, they're
a bunch of hoodlums. Killers.
We run a clean town. Legitimate gambling.
Been trying to get something
on these boys, to run them out of town.
Bill, flash the alarm.
We got a kidnapping rap on them.
Calling all cars. Calling all cars.
Jane.
Steve, please don't tell me
any more of your lies. We're finished.
But, Jane, it's all a mistake.
You're right. It was all a mistake.
Au revoir.
Jane, how can I make you believe me?
I've told you Yvonne means nothing to me.
It's all over, honey.
There never was anything in the first place.
Nothing you can say
would make me change my mind.
We interrupt this program
to bring you a special news bulletin.
The Sheriff's Office has informed us
that a girl, Irma Peterson...
has been kidnapped
by the notorious Corrigan mob.
All persons with any knowledge
of this girl's whereabouts...
please report
to the Sheriff's Office immediately.
Steve, take me to
the Sheriff's Office, quick.
All right, folks,
I'm hereby authorizing a posse.
I want to remind you that this
is dangerous work. These men are killers.
Any volunteers?
- I'm one.
- Here, too.
I'll join.
- You can count me in, Sheriff.
- Be careful, Steve.
Need more men. Any other volunteers?
- I'll go, Sheriff.
- What about you, Al?
- Come on, men, I need more volunteers.
- I'll sign up.
I'm with you, Sheriff.
I want to tell you that
there's a $5,000 reward for this mob.
Sheriff, count me in.
Okay. Do you wanna be a regular deputy?
Pays $14 a day.
- Go the limit.
- Swear him in, Jim.
- Here you are.
- Hear, hear!
I hear there's a call for able-bodied men.
- Yeah, do you know one?
- I know me. I'm able. I'm a man.
And despite what you think, this is a body.
I'm sorry, son, I can't take you
without your mother's permission.
How's that?
Okay, follow them the best way you can.
A car answering that description
was seen on Highway 31...
- and headed for the Coyote Hills.
- Coyote Hills?
They ever get up in there,
nobody but an Indian could find them.
Bill, send out a call to bring in
the Indian scouts from the village.
Indian scouts? I'm a member.
When the Indians adopted me...
they told me what to do
in case they needed help.
I'll take care of everything.
All right, everybody.
You deputies take control.
Get in squad cars
and converge on Highway 31.
You better stay out of this, miss.
Might get pretty rough.
Listen, Sheriff, you haven't got enough men
to keep me out of this.
Not when it concerns my friend Irma.
Give me a gun.
Gentlemen, how do I look?
What do you care how you look?
You ain't going no place.
Yeah, if your boyfriend don't come
through with the dough soon...
where you're going,
you ain't gonna need any makeup.
Your play, Pete.
That's not a very nice way to speak to me.
After all, remember, I'm your house guest.
Will you tell that dame to shut up?
She yaps all day.
Twenty years of my life
I spent in three different clinks...
and this is the first time
I'm going stir-crazy.
- I'm gonna let her have it.
- Take it easy, Pete.
We're waiting for the ransom dough.
The dame's no good to us dead.
Alive, she's won'th $50,000.
Say, I've been meaning
to ask you about that.
$50,000...
and I weigh a 115 pounds. That'd be...
That means that you're asking...
$444.53 a pound.
You know, meat prices have come down.
I'm gonna bump that screwball dame off.
I can't concentrate on my cards!
Don't let her get you down, Pete.
Look at me. She don't get on my nerves.
Ignore her.
- Jack of spades. You need it?
- No.
Why don't you knock?
- Give me that gun. I'll bump her off.
- Take it easy, Slim.
Don't let her get on your nerves.
Shut your trap before you drive us nuts.
All right.
But remember, if you ever ask me
back here again, I refuse the invitation.
Ain't you getting my message?
This is a tribe?
Where's the rest of the relatives?
Maybe the rest of them are in the wigwam.
All right, Laughing Nothing.
Make smoke signal.
Come, find white girl.
Hey, they've answered our signal.
Come on.
Hey, you blonde screwball,
how about some grub?
Please, gentlemen, I'll admit I'm a blonde.
I'd like to knock that dame off
and forget about the dough.
Keep your shirt on.
Come on, boys, we gotta blow.
Another mouth to feed.
- What's that dame doing here?
- We're holding her for ransom.
- For ransom?
- Yeah.
Yeah, we didn't knock off Al.
We're holding his dame for the $50,000.
You idiots. This towrs too hot.
They found that wheel was wired.
Now you got a kidnap rap against us?
Forget about any $50,000.
Let's get out of here.
Wait a minute. That dame's liable to talk.
We gotta knock her off.
Let me do that.
Don't shoot her in the head.
The bullet will never go through.
All right, sister, come on out.
Are you coming out
or do I have to come in after you?
Where are the other gentlemen?
I prepared one of my best meals.
Sister, I'm gonna have to bump you off.
And begging ain't gonna help.
I'm not begging,
I'm just picking up the dishes.
- Why are you doing this to me, sir?
- Shut up and count to 10.
But I don't want to die. I'm too young.
I'm not even married.
Although I've been engaged for five years,
I've never had any children.
I want to be a mother.
It'd be better for your kids
if I bump you off.
No. Who will take them to school?
You see, I've never had much
out of life yet.
I miss my mother and my father.
- They were just like parents to me.
- Shut up and start counting.
One.
Two.
Two and a half.
Two and three quarters.
Now, you quit stalling for time,
'cause I'll plug you at five.
Don't be impatient.
That still gives me three hours.
Please don't kill me.
Excuse me, sir, you dropped your gun.
As I was saying...
As I was saying...
As I was saying...
I don't care what you were saying.
I'm gonna plug you.
Three, four.
Six!
Stop it, Irma! It's me, Seymour!
I don't speak to strange animals.
Irma!
Irma, you're hitting the wrong head!
I'm just taking pot-luck!
Miss Peterson...
I'm prepared to offer you a part
in Miss Yvonne's next picture, Congo Girl.
Of course, I realize
you haven't acted before...
but the exploitation value to me
will be tremendous.
Wait a minute. I also want the young man.
I'm awfully sorry,
no more of this Hollywood business for me.
- Right, honey?
- Right, Steve.
I do not mean you.
I mean that wonderful, young personality.
He's magnificent.
She can't mean Seymour?
Yes, Seymour. Where is that darling boy?
Look, here he is.
That's the baby.
Look at that face. He will be just perfect.
Wake up, kid. They want you for Hollywood.
Seymour, have just persuaded them
to put you and Irma in a picture...
- as a package deal.
- Me?
- Is this on the level?
- You will be wonderful.
Well, I always knew I was a great actor.
Here, my boy. I shart forget you. Here.
You shall be my stand-in.
Press my clothes and do various small things
around the studio.
Yes, you shall all benefit.
And you, my French beauty,
I will love you and kiss you.
Love you and kiss you.
Love you and kiss you.
For this you get paid?
It's still got Park Avenue.
We still don't live there.
It's still got the Stork Club.
We still can't afford to go there.
It's still got Mrs. O'Reilly's
boarding house.
And unfortunately,
we can still afford to live there.
Yes, New York is still
the same old New York.
Nothing has changed much
in the past year...
nothing except my friend Irma.
Remember a year ago
when Irma was walking down the street...
that was under repair?
And Irma fell into the open manole?
But Irma has changed.
She's smarter now.
I was wrong, folks.
New York hasn't changed...
and neither has my friend Irma.
Happens every time.
Irma, why don't you answer the phone?
I'm not sure it's for me.
Take a chance, it's not your nickel.
Hello? Who?
Yes, it's for me. It's Al.
Well, what are you waiting for? Run
down to the police station with the bail.
He's not in trouble,
he's got wonderful news.
Hello, Al. What's the news?
That's wonderful, Al.
I can hardly wait to tell Jane.
Goodbye.
Jane, guess what?
Al got your boyfriend, Steve,
a job on a television program...
and we can watch him tonight.
Steve on television? I can't believe it.
I'm so excited. I'm shaking like a thief.
Isn't it wonderful?
If Steve makes a hit tonight,
I'll be Mrs. Al and you'll be Mrs. Laird.
Now I'm glad we bought the television set.
Yes, and it's a good one, too.
- Who are you calling, honey?
- Television repairman.
Repairman? Why, this is brand new.
We've just had it a week. What happened?
I don't know, it's been acting funny ever
since I took the insides out and washed it.
Seymour. Seymour!
What's the matter with you?
Why are you leaving the seeds
in the orange juice?
How else will people know it's real
orange juice? We don't advertise.
- Are you crazy?
- Certainly. For $35 a week...
- what do you want, a college professor?
- I'm gonna have a talk with you.
Listen to me, Seymour...
Don't you yell at me. If you do,
you'll have a mental case on your hands.
- Why, what's the matter with you?
- This hand is driving me crazy.
Take it easy, Seymour.
The boss is thinking about expanding.
He's expanding?
What do you think is happening to my hand?
I walk in the street,
people throw peanuts at me.
- I'm quitting.
- Come here.
Put me down. Put me down, Steve.
I'm getting a nosebleed up here.
Now you've done it.
You've been violent, and you hurt me.
Well, I don't like it.
I'll slap you right in the face.
Look at this chest.
I'm sorry. How did it happen?
That's not very funny.
You like to abuse me, don't you?
First you hurt me, now you abuse me.
Don't you have any feelings for me?
I work hard back here. I try my best
to do my work and you always yell at me.
- I'm only kidding.
- You're not kidding.
I try my best to do my work
and everybody says I'm always...
- But it's just for fun.
- Well, stop picking on me. I don't like it.
Look, I'm soothing you.
- All right, soothe me, but what's fair...
- Is this nice?
I like it.
- Yeah, but why do I always...
- Is this a friend? Look.
Yeah, you're a friend, Steve,
but I mean, I try...
- Make a bigger circle.
- Listen to me.
Hello? Al?
What? No kidding.
- Sure, I'll meet you tonight. So long.
- What happened?
I'm quitting.
They're putting me on television tonight.
- You're wrong.
- I'm wrong?
We're quitting.
We're going on television tonight.
- Remember, we're a team. Okay?
- Okay.
Al, where you been?
We go on in a few minutes.
Doing everything a first-class manager
has to do...
when his discovery
is on the pinnacle of success.
- You nervous, kid?
- Just a little.
I'm not nervous, Al.
That's because I got my act all set.
- You are going on?
- Certainly. I will go on with dynamite.
For television, people gotta be able to see
as well as hear you. Watch this.
I'll do Bette Davis.
Philip... I'm sorry, Al.
Philip, my darling, I want that letter.
I hurt my...
Philip, I say I want that letter.
I'm sick, do you hear?
Sick, sick, sick.
This is the way to treat Bette Davis?
Sit down and stay there.
I'm so excited.
I wonder if Steve is photogenic.
Of course not. Why, he's healthy as a horse.
Quiet, Irma. It's starting.
Ladies and gentlemen,
when you eat spaghetti...
do you look like this?
But you will never look like that...
if you use Non- Twist Spaghetti.
And now, we are proud to present...
The Star of Today
and The Star of Tomorrow.
Here is your master of ceremonies.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
We've been very fortunate this evening
in the choice of our star.
She is not only a Hollywood favorite,
she's an international favorite.
That star of two continents, Yvonne Yvonne.
Bonsoir.
Miss Yvonne, it's a real thrill
having you on our show this evening.
Merci. It's my pleasure.
And to all my millions of fans
sitting out there on your living room...
I blow you a kiss.
To you in the East, I kiss you.
To you in the West, I kiss you.
To you in the North, I kiss you.
And to all my other friends,
I kiss you in the South.
I'm going South.
In your last picture,
you did a wonderful French song.
Would you mind
doing that again for us now?
We've taken the liberty
of having our Star of Tomorrow...
a young chap by the name of Steve Laird
rehearse it...
so that he can do a duet with you.
I am very sorry, but I'm hoarse.
And I do not think it would be possible
to sing with Mr. Laird.
That's unfortunate, but I still want you
to meet our Star of Tomorrow...
a former orange juice salesman, Steve Laird.
- Well, it's a pleasure.
- How do you do, Miss Yvonne?
On second thought, my doctor told me...
the more I use my voice,
the quicker the hoarseness will go away.
I would be more than delighted
to sing with Mr. Laird.
From the boulevards of Paris
to the corners of Siam
Lovers know they must behave
The very way that I am
Regardless of the language
or the customs of the land
They all have
the very same demand
When I say give me love
Don't be meager, Gee
can't you see I'm overeager
Oh baby, oh baby, obey me
And when my lonely arms need a build-up
Get in my arms and keep 'em filled up
Oh baby, oh baby, obey me
Facts are facts
While I'm mad about your caress
So relax
there's only one word for yes
My love just lives for you
Why be lonely
I want you for my one and only
Oh baby, oh baby, obey me do
I'll take you through Paris, be your dolly
Oh what I'll show you in Pigalle
Oh baby, hey baby, obey me
I never like to kiss
like the highbrows
I want the kind that curls my eyebrows
Oh-ho, like this
Oh, baby
You will be
my gift from the Marshall Plan
And I will be
The king of the French Can-Can
My sweet, when I do this don't be gentle
I want you close and continental
Oh, baby...
I don't know what she's saying,
but it should happen to me
Crpe Suzettes
Why, that's all the French I know
No, my pet
You'll learn every word, but "Noi"
The French are never wrong
Fifty million
Baby for you I'd trust a billion
Oh baby, oh baby, obey me
No maybe, hey baby, you slay me
Oh baby, obey me, do
That was wonderful, Yvonne.
It was a real pleasure
having you on our program.
Well, thank you.
It was a joy to work with
such young talent as Mr. Laird.
And as we French so often do...
I would like to say "au revoir,"
and wish you luck.
Don't be upset, Jane.
That's just the French way of shaking hands.
It's like when the Germans are leaving,
and they say "gesundheit."
And now, young man, what have you
chosen for your solo number?
I'd like to do my version
ofThe Vagabond Song.
- Harry, do you know that?
- Yes, I do.
- What key?
- Hey, wait a minute.
He's my partner and he's got
a special arrangement of this song...
and I'm the only one
who knows how it goes.
I'll take that.
- What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna lead the band.
You know anything about leading a band?
Do I know about leading a band?
I just took the stick from him.
I'm gonna lead the band...
and you have the nerve to ask me
do I know anything about it.
- Well, do you?
- No.
Come on.
Horns up.
What are you doing?
I'm a wanderer on life's highway
Facing a world with a song and a smile
All right. You, out.
What are you trying to do here?
I'm leading a number. You're supposed...
- What are you doing to the band?
- What are you worried about the band for?
- You can use a quart.
- What are you doing to the band?
Why don't you sing your number?
Let me worry about the band.
They're under my jurisdiction.
I got the baton.
- Baton?
- The baton. Now let's laugh it up here.
Old man trouble keeps from my way
What are you doing here?
Why don't you... What are you doing?
Happiness travels with me all the while
You'll find life's long road is weary
- What are you doing?
- I'm singing.
You don't hear no noise
going on in the band now?
- I don't hear a thing.
- He's giving me aggravation.
He won't follow the stick.
I'll smack you right in the...
You don't think I'll do it, huh?
We're on television, Seymour.
Let's do this thing right.
I'm not one of that great legion
With their traveling care
And though I havert much religion
Here's my only prayer
I broke the arm, Steve, the whole arm,
the bone is busted.
The whole arm is...
Life is not
Life is not
Life is not just tinsel pleasure
That's so easy to find
But I can find
But I can find
In the middle, you'll find it...
But I can find life's greatest pleasures
In my peace of mind
Good boy.
Give me the road
Just a little louder. Here we go, fellas.
All right!
I'm not gonna stand here
and have you tolerate me.
Where did you get this band?
Don't yell at the band.
I'm leading the band.
I'm the conductor, but don't yell at them,
that's a union band.
I don't care about you or your union band.
See how mad they get?
You'd better say you're sorry.
- I will not.
- I'm warning you.
- No.
- Off the stand.
I'm sorry.
All right. There's just
one little mistake...
One little mistake?
Yeah, you're supposed to overlook it
when it happens.
- Overlook a mistake?
- Sure.
- Are you out of your mind?
- I'm as normal as you or anyone else.
Get off there.
No, they're not gonna take me back.
I have the grenades.
I've gotta mow them all down.
I say, may I report, sir? I'd like to try...
- Give me the note.
- All right.
There's one note missing.
Give him one note.
Big deal. Sing.
Give me the road
The wide winding highways
Just let me know the done beaten byways
And I'll travel along
singing a vagabond song
Well give me the flowers
The birds sing at morning
Just let me see that sunrise and dawning
And I'll travel along
singing a vagabond song
Happy you may be
with your fashions, your passions
Your smug little parts you play
But you could never fool me
With your foolery, your jewelry
All I can say
- Give me the stars
- Give me the road
The wide winding highway
That's where I
Travel along
singing a vagabond song
Here you are,
12 cans of Non-Twist Spaghetti.
Twelve cans of spaghetti?
What are you kicking about?
The headliners last week only got six,
and without the meat sauce.
You know, television is not in a position
to pay off money.
Television is in its birth.
I got some news for you.
I don't want to be a midwife.
Fine manager you are.
We did better at the orange juice stand.
Sorry. We pay off in spaghetti.
Would you be good enough
to open up a can?
I'd like to pour some in my wallet,
so I can see I was working this week.
Fine thing.
Will speak to the government about this
next time I pick up my unemployment check.
You know what Steve probably got
for singing tonight?
- What?
- Probably got $1,000.
What would Al get then?
Let's see. Al is Steve's agent,
so he gets 10%, which is $100.
But knowing Al,
he'll probably come home with $150.
$150?
Jane, it only costs $2
for a marriage license.
Do you realize that Al and I
can get married 75 times?
Honey, you're looking at a girl
who wants to be married just once.
Yes, just once.
And now with Steve in television...
I've got a boy
who can really bring home the groceries.
Groceries? Don't you think
I'd better start the dinner?
Honey, there aren't that many ambulances
in the city.
Now what is it?
You don't have any confidence in me.
- Why?
- Why? Very easy.
You remember what happened
the last time you cooked?
The recipe called for sherry,
and what did you do?
I put in shellac. But now it's different.
Now we got a pressure cooker.
Even an idiot couldn't make a mistake.
That remark gets my sporting blood up.
Look, there's a duck in the icebox.
Now, why don't you see if you can cook it
in the pressure cooker?
Jane, when I get finished cooking this duck,
you won't know what hit you.
Monsieur?
I didn't have the chance to tell you
how much I enjoyed you.
Well, thank you.
I think you have a wonderful voice.
Lady, where you looking for the vocal cords?
Where you looking for the...
Steve, you were wonderful.
I can't say "au revoir"
like some people do...
and I won't kiss you on both cheeks...
but this should tell you in good
American language how proud I am of you.
Where should I put this stuff?
Who cares where you put it?
Tell me, Steve,
how much did you get for tonight?
That's what we got, 12 cans of spaghetti.
Spaghetti?
Take it easy, Jane. Don't blow your top.
I am just as disappointed as you are.
- You mean Steve got paid off in spaghetti?
- But with meat sauce, yet.
I should have known that anything
you handle must end up nothing.
Don't scream at me.
After all, I got 50% of the boys'.
Do you think I'm happy to have
50% of 12 cans of spaghetti?
Well, here's your commission.
Jane, wait a minute.
Jane, I'm sorry it turned out this way.
You couldn't help it, honey.
You were wonderful.
So what? Where's it getting me?
Maybe it just doesn't figure for me
to be an entertainer.
But how else can we get married, Steve?
There are guys getting married every day
that aren't actors.
Truck drivers, milkmen, mail men.
They all got kids.
They seem to be getting along fine.
- Yeah, but how do they live? In some joint...
- Not on Park Avenue, honey...
but they're happy, and we could be, too.
What do you say, Jane?
- You know I love you, Steve.
- But that's not enough.
I want you to marry me
and forget your ideas...
of "What good is happiness,
if you can't buy money with it."
I guess maybe you're right.
And I do love you.
Here you are, Al. Want an hors d'oeuvre?
Please, chicken. I'm thinking.
What about me, Irma?
Just because I laid an egg on television,
don't mean I can't have one here.
- Excuse me. Here you are, Seymour.
- I don't want it now. My feelings are hurt.
Will take it.
Just a minute, Al.
This is my apartment, my phone.
Do you mind?
Yes? Who's calling? Mr. C.Y. Sanford?
- You're a Hollywood producer?
- Hollywood producer! Let me handle this.
Quiet, Al. Go back to your spaghetti.
Yes, Mr. Sanford. What?
That's wonderful.
He saw you on television
and he likes you, Steve.
Yes? What?
Yes.
Yes, it's 185 West 73rd Street,
apartment 3-B.
Thank you, Mr. Sanford.
- What's it all about, Jane?
- You know as much as I do, Steve.
I want to know one thing. What about me?
Did he see me on television?
- Yes.
- Well, what did he say?
He sends his regards.
I had a very big day today.
First I get spaghetti, now I get regards.
- This is show business?
- Look, Jane.
I am the boys' manager
and demand to know, what is the act?
Will tell you.
Am Steve's fiance and feel he may be
on verge of getting a big break.
And you are not going to ruin things.
From now on, I'm handling Steve.
Right, dear?
But I thought we were forgetting
about show business?
Not if it can give us everything we want.
Please, Steve.
Well, might as well put on
that old ball and chain now.
Listen, Jane, you can't lock me out.
Must be some way I can pitch in.
There certainly is.
You can help me clean up this apartment.
Mr. Sanford will be here in a few minutes.
He's leaving for the Coast tonight...
and I've got a feeling
things are really gonna start popping.
Jane.
How's the duck coming, honey?
I think you'd better open the spaghetti.
That'll be $3, sir.
Please wait for me.
I'll be down in a few minutes.
- I'll have to leave the meter running.
- That'll be all right.
In fact I might want you
for the entire evening.
Yes, sir.
He's here.
Remember what I told you to do?
That's perfect.
No, not quite perfect.
There's one thing wrong.
It's you.
You can't even be in the same room.
- Mr. Sanford?
- Yes.
I'm Jane Stacey,
Mr. Laird's fiance and manager.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Thank you.
- This is Al.
- Friend, understand you're from Hollywood.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
- And this is my roommate, Irma Peterson.
- How do you do?
Mr. Sanford,
is it true what they say about Lassie?
How do you do?
And this is the young man
you wanted to meet, Steve Laird.
- Young man, how do you do?
- How do you do?
There's no one to meet in here.
The room's empty.
- What was that?
- Nothing. Nothing.
Wort you sit down, Mr. Sanford?
Now, I'm sure you and Mr. Laird
have a great deal to talk about.
Well, I'm a man of few words.
Quite by accident,
I saw Mr. Laird on television.
And I'm convinced
that he could be a great star...
with my film company in Hollywood.
Are you in a position
to make a definite offer?
I should be. You see, I own the company.
- Here's my offer.
- Friend?
I have utmost faith
in Mr. Laird's ability...
but it might take six months or a year
to groom him for stardom.
But we were planning
to be married immediately.
I'm coming to that, young lady.
I happen to be a bachelor.
- That's no good. She's in love with Steve.
- Quiet, Irma.
What I meant was that
I have a large home in Hollywood...
enough room
to accommodate all you people.
Now, why don't you all go out
with Mr. Laird and be my guests?
And you can have your wedding
at my home.
Sounds great!
I believe that if Steve is important enough
for me to invest $500 a week in him...
in order to make him a star...
I should be willing to pay
all your expenses out there...
to see that he's happy.
That's certainly fair.
- What do you say, Steve?
- I'm all for it.
Good. Will you please sign the contract?
I have but one stipulation.
You must leave for the Coast tomorrow
as I have a part in mind for you.
And you must start rehearsals.
- Is that satisfactory?
- Yes.
Well, here goes.
That's fine.
Now, I'll wire my representative to meet you
at the station when you arrive in Hollywood.
Goodbye.
Young man, I hope we'll be together
for a great many years.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Mr. Sanford.
Mamma mia. $500 a week.
You see, Al, how a real manager works?
Wait a minute.
Should've asked the guy for an advance.
Got to buy tickets.
It's gonna take a lot of dough
to get out to the Coast.
That's where you and I are different.
When you are dealing with big people,
you must be big yourself.
We'll use our own money
and then when we get to Hollywood...
we'll hand in an expense account.
Why, I wouldn't dream of embarrassing
Mr. Sanford by asking for an advance.
Might have a point there, Jane.
Yeah, we go out in style
and pad the expense account.
Hollywood! Isn't it exciting?
Hey, what about Seymour?
Let's tell him the good news.
Yeah, forgot all about the kid.
It's about time you opened the door.
I shaved myself seven times already.
I'm running out of skin.
- Where to, sir?
- Washington.
I'm going to sign Margaret Truman.
Mr. Sanford, just a minute.
Hello, boys.
I'm having one of my best nights.
I've just signed up a whole troupe
for my picture company.
That's pleasant, Mr. Sanford.
Now, we'll go home.
You know, you surprise me,
breaking out of the sanitarium again.
If you do that just once more,
we'll have to take your fountain pen away.
Then you'll never be able
to play producer again.
It's you, Al.
All right, answer these questions.
Have you had any employment
the week ending the sixth?
No.
- Have you turned down any offers of work?
- No.
Have you tried to get any employment?
Naturally.
Okay, there's your check, Al.
Desire a word with you, friend.
I'm leaving for the Coast this evening.
The Coast?
Yes, wore myself out looking for work.
Am badly in need of a rest.
Would like you to forward my check
to Hollywood.
- Forward it?
- No expense to the government.
Here are self-addressed envelopes
equipped with airmail stamps.
Have to turn you down, Al.
Turn me down? Your best customer?
After been dealing with this firm
for six years. Never missed a week.
Rules, you know. Sorry.
Don't appeal to my sympathy.
I'm telling you one thing.
Tactics like this will only embitter me.
They will not drive me to work.
Al, we got trouble.
Seymour won't go to Hollywood
and I can't leave him here.
But you don't need the kid. You're the star.
I know, but we've been friends
for such a long time.
And after all,
I'd like him there for my wedding.
What are you gonna do with him
once he's out there?
Find something for the kid.
All big stars have stand-ins.
I'll use Seymour.
Okay, it's silly sentiment,
but will talk to the lad for you.
But you can't con him any more, Al.
He knows you don't believe
he has any talent and that we're not a team.
- So, if he doesn't go, I don't go.
- Will you leave it to me?
Will meet you at Grand Central Station.
The kid is as good as on the train.
What are you crying for, kid?
Seymour, you're going to miss the train.
I'm not going.
Not going?
When this is your great opportunity?
My opportunity? You listen to me, Al.
You listen to me, Seymour.
Do you think I'd take you out to California
and not utilize you?
Utilize me? Is that good?
Good? Gonna make a fortune
through your talent.
Yeah? How?
Do you think I'm going out there
because of Steve?
Well, he's got the contract.
Don't you see, kid,
he's just the decoy for you.
You're the hidden talent.
Do you realize where we're going?
- Hollywood?
- And where is Hollywood?
- I don't know. I didn't go that far in school.
- Why, kid, in the Golden West.
And who is the big star of the West
in pictures and television?
- Hopalong Cassidy?
- Right.
And how many Hopalong Cassidys are there?
- One?
- One. Do you think that's enough?
Why?
Son, they are crying for more Hopalongs.
Crying for more Western stars,
men who are rugged and strong physically.
My chest ain't going nowhere.
I'm too skinny.
Listen, kid, they fatten cattle out there...
and if it's good enough for a bull,
it's good enough for you.
That sounds fair.
Gee, Hopalong Cassidy.
- I could be Skipalong Seymour.
- Certainly, kid. You're the Western type.
I can see you now, riding down the trail.
You're riding.
You're riding faster and faster
and faster and faster.
Now, you're off your horse.
You got two guns on your side.
Wait. What's that rustling noise?
- Rustlers?
- Right.
Now you're stalking, and stalking...
and stalking through the underbrush.
Looking for the killers.
There are 40.
40 desperate outlaws waiting to drill you.
- What's the matter?
- I'm scared. I think I'm outnumbered.
No, kid, you're great. You're a natural.
When we get out there, I'll show you.
Are you with me?
- I'm with you.
- Good. Meet you at the station.
Al, my boy, sometimes you frighten me.
My guns are gone. Will get my lasso.
Al, come back! They got me!
Oh, Al, what kind of accommodations
do we have?
I think you and Jane have a drawing room.
But, Al, I can't draw.
Now, where's that idiot?
Lost, I hope. Come on.
Can I help you, mister?
- Car 154, pardner.
- Yes, sir.
We are running up a lot of tabs.
Still think you should have got
an advance from Sanford.
Al, don't be so petty.
The trouble with you is
you're just not a good judge of people.
I think Al has a point.
After a big lunch like this...
why should we have soup for dessert?
Honey, that's a finger bowl.
You're supposed to wash your hands in it.
Now she tells me.
How much did you tip the porter
last night, Irma?
Al handled it for me.
Gave the lad $100.
- $100 for a porter?
- He was very efficient.
Al, must you always be a chiseler?
Now, wait a minute.
When opportunity strikes...
or when someone knows about loyalty...
and as far as financial difficulties
are concerned...
I'm certainly not persuaded to do
as other people might say and do.
One may be right, one may be wrong,
but as far as my feelings are concerned...
you can never designate the possibilities
of anyone knowing they're sure.
What'd I say?
Seymour, will you stay out of this.
Nobody's talking to you.
- But, on the other hand...
- Shut up.
Hold tight.
Come on up here.
Now look around. There.
Hey!
- What's the idea, Steve?
- The surs in my eyes.
There's no sun here.
Must be a reflection.
Something out there's blinding me.
Hey, Steve, isn't that the girl...
Eat up, Seymour. Gonna be a long ride.
Got to build them muscles for the West.
- I was about to say, Al...
- All right, kid. Go ahead, say it.
I can't eat the roll unless
there's jelly on it.
Hold it right there, please, Miss Yvonne.
Thank you.
So you're going through to Hollywood,
Miss Yvonne?
Oui. But only for a short time.
Then Pierre and I are going directly
to Las Vegas to divorce Victor.
Pierre?
The only one who truly understand me.
N'est-ce pas, Pierre?
Any chance of a reconciliation?
None. Victor think I'm an eccentric.
I don't see why.
But we shall plead extreme mental cruelty.
Wort we, Pierre?
Miss Yvonne,
what do you think of the divorce?
Naturellement, I'm completely heartbroken.
And you can quote me as saying,
"I'm through with men forever."
- I think I'll run out and get some magazines.
- No, honey, I'll get them for you.
No, I'll go, Jane. A walk will help me
clear the cobwebs off my mind.
All right, honey, but hurry.
Our train leaves in five minutes.
Don't worry,
I never missed a train in my life.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Have you a Flair, Look, and Life
for my girlfriend?
I better have something to read myself.
Have the new Flash Gordon comic books
come in?
- I think so, miss.
- Swell.
All aboard!
Gosh! Here.
Jane! Jane! Wait for me!
"Am wiring $100.
Take plane and meet us in Kansas City."
That ought to do it.
Don't like chicken to fly.
That dame's in a tailspin
even when she's on the ground.
Let's find the conductor. We'll wire
in care of the station agent in Chicago.
Are you sure you don't mind
flying me to Albuquerque?
Albuquerque? You hired me
to take you to Kansas City.
That's right, because
I'm going to California.
California?
Well, I thought you said you had to meet
some friends at Albuquerque?
Yes. That's why I want you
to drop me in Kansas City.
Look, lady, will you make up your mind?
I'm going berserk.
Berserk? That's no good.
- I don't know anybody in Berserk.
- Oh, mother!
Jane! Jane! Wait for me!
Well, ma'am, you almost missed it.
Gosh! I'm sure glad I made it this time.
I've got friends aboard.
We're all going to Hollywood.
Well, that's news for the engineer,
'cause this train is headed for Chicago.
Chicago? Let me out of here.
Hey, we just passed Dodge City.
I'd better change my time.
Hey, look at that monkey. He got my watch.
What's a monkey want with a watch?
Can he tell time?
Come on, let's get it.
- Monkey.
- Here, monk.
- Come on, little monkey.
- Here, monkey.
Hey, looking for something?
- I lost my watch.
- What's the difference?
I'll tell you what time it is
when it is time.
This is the way to look for a watch?
Well, come in, sit down.
How nice.
We each have a traveling companion.
Traveling companion.
Are you crazy, lady? I'm a human being.
- Will you tell him to give me my watch?
- Yes.
If you tell me what the reward is.
What are you doing on this train?
I have a contract to go to Hollywood
to make pictures.
- With who?
- C.Y. Sanford.
- Never heard of him.
- He gave me a great big deal.
I'll give you a much better one.
You're going to Hollywood the wrong way.
What do you mean?
I mean I never heard of Mr. Sanford.
But I do need a new leading man
for my next picture.
What kind of a guy must he be?
He should be tall and handsome...
and he should have black wavy hair...
and big brown eyes...
and he should be a little frightened.
I'm sorry, I haven't had much experience.
Don't worry, we'll take long rehearsals.
Well, I'd better go.
You see, I have a friend out here.
Forget about your friend.
Think about your career.
Just relax and think about it.
Well, thanks a lot, but I can't take
the part. I got trouble.
Jane, you've gotta quit
running away from me.
I gotta talk to you.
Now, you're going to sit here
and listen to me.
I love you and only you.
Say you believe me.
Yeah, I believe you, Steve, but...
Stop it, Seymour. I'm looking for Jane.
Here I am, Steve.
Did you want to tell me something?
Jane...
I believe you, honey.
And I don't mean to be jealous...
it's just that there's something about you
that makes me hate all other women.
Will you forgive me?
I even ordered us drinks,
so we can celebrate.
Here's to us.
- And you'll never doubt me again, right?
- Right.
I got a canasta. I'm out.
Albuquerque. 15-minute stop.
Al! Al!
Chicken! Where you been?
What took you so long?
Did you come by covered wagon?
Don't scold me, Al.
We're in terrible trouble.
- Trouble?
- Yes, look.
Holy smoke! Shanghaied by a screwball.
How'll we explain it to Jane
after she spent everything she had?
Should have never let that dame manage
things. Warned her to get the dough first.
From now on, I'm taking over.
Al, don't be angry at Jane.
Remember, it's better to give than receive.
What has that got to do
with this murderous situation?
Nothing, Al. I just thought
it was a good time to quote someone.
Scram, chicken. Got to think.
Steve, you better go with her.
Break the news to Jane.
Am going to start operating.
- An orange juice, please.
- Yes, ma'am.
Shame on you. You don't do that. Be quiet.
Garon, make it two.
- Where is that young...
- Wanna talk to you about that.
Have you noticed how that boy acts
when he's around you?
Yes, but fortunately I have Pierre along,
so I'm not too chilled.
Come now, I'm surprised
that a sophisticated dame like you...
You naughty boy. Come on down.
I'm surprised
that a sophisticated dame like you...
cannot spot this lad's
smoldering, reluctant, suppressed desires.
What do you mean?
The boy is nuts about you.
- Nuts?
- Yeah, as you French would say, nuts.
Amour, nuts.
- Well, what about the other girl?
- His mother.
I'm going to Hollywood
to start my new picture...
in which I could use a new leading man
like Mr. Laird.
My present one, it's getting much too old,
a man of 32.
Great! Well, how about the kid?
Unfortunately, I have to go
to Las Vegas first.
My business manager
owns a nightclub there...
the Lucky Dollar Club.
I think I could arrange for Steve
to work there while I'm getting my divorce.
It's a deal.
But you gotta understand, Miss Yvonne,
this has to be a secret between us.
As you French would say, entre preneur.
Well, let everything up to me.
I see you in two days
at the Lucky Dollar Club...
- when Steve open there. All right?
- Right.
That'll be 20 cents.
Madame, your pleasure.
Well, why all the gaiety?
Al, Jane's trying to figure a way
to get us back to New York.
- New York? What's playing there?
- Listen, Al...
Now, you listen to me, Jane.
You got us into this hole,
you with your managing.
You can't talk to Jane that way.
Look, kid, let's face it.
With this dame managing you,
you are going nowhere with great rapidity.
- Why, you got a deal?
- Sure I got a deal.
Got a terrific job
singing in a swank Las Vegas club.
But only on condition that from here on in,
Al handles things.
Think it over.
I thought it over, Manager.
Now that's what I call
thinking constructively.
Seymour, you go and help the girls
with their bags.
Jane, check in at the Rosa Mission Hotel.
We got to stay here overnight.
Steve, would like a word with you.
Now, kid, I had a terrific time
putting this deal across.
- But I finally got to the right party.
- What party?
- How's that?
- What party?
- Yvonne.
- Yvonne.
Yvonne! You want me to get killed?
What if Jane finds out?
She don't have to.
It's one of the chances we got to take.
You open at the club, you're a hit,
Hollywood snatches you.
Then you can lose the French dame,
you marry Jane...
and your kids will thank me
to their dying day.
Now, you go and romance Jane
while I promote transportation to Las Vegas.
All right, but that orange juice stand...
is beginning to look like
the First National Bank to me.
Blankets. Real Indian blankets.
Knock off.
I need it like I need a hole in the head.
Excellent buy.
With each blanket, bead souvenir.
Look, Hiawatha, will you hit the road?
- Just a minute, noble brother.
- Yes?
- This is your car?
- One of them.
The other three are parked
in back of my wigwam.
Pretty classy heap.
Heap classy. But got to get rid of it.
See? Under tires? Dirty.
Chief, that much dough in blankets?
Do very well.
How many you got there?
- 20.
- That'll do it.
Just need 20. How much are they?
- $10 apiece.
- Cheap, Chief. You'll take a check?
No. Little suspicious...
ever since my great-grandfather
sold Manattan Island.
Want cash.
Well, my treasurer will be here
in half an hour.
- You'll trust me?
- Yes.
Because I'll be here, too.
Blankets. Get your red hot blankets.
Get your red hot blankets.
- Blankets, ladies? You married?
- No.
Then you'll need them.
Keep you nice and warm.
Are you a Sioux?
If you don't pay for the blankets,
I'll sue you.
Clever? Just made it up.
You poor dear soul, you.
What the white folks have done to you.
What tribe was your mother?
Stay out of my private life.
You wanna buy blankets or don't you?
We don't need any blankets.
Why didn't you say so in the first place?
Indian nuts?
Halavah? Chocolate covered
with nuts on top?
Well, then, scram, tourists.
If you're not gonna buy nothing,
get out of here.
Get your blankets.
Red hot blankets.
Red hot blankets.
Buenas noches, seorita.
Auf Wiedersehen, Senator.
Before I sing a great love song for you,
seorita, I take this rose...
I kiss it, and give it to you to wear.
- Bravo!
- Bravo!
- Al, did you see the moon?
- Why, is it missing?
No, Al. Look out there.
Did you ever see a sky like that?
There's the Big Diaper
and the Little Diaper...
and Venus and Mercurochrome.
They're all out tonight.
Then they ain't lonely.
They don't need me. Scram.
"Scram," Al?
But we've been engaged for five years.
We've got to take advantage
of nights like these.
Agree we've got to take advantage.
That's why I'm sitting here waiting
for a pigeon to get into a little game.
But, Al, don't I mean anything to you?
How can you talk about gambling
when the night was made for love?
Chicken, don't get hysterical.
I got to make a buck.
- But the moon is...
- Chicken, got news for you.
The moon is made out of green cheese...
and I'm the kind of a guy
who likes a little bread with it.
So will you very kindly blow?
Demanding dame.
All alone, friend?
Why, yes. Do you indulge?
Well, now and then I play a little cribbage.
- Ever gamble?
- No.
But I've always had a yearning.
Friend, yearn no more.
- Sit down.
- Thank you.
Butterfingers.
May I deal once?
- Lf you insist.
- Thank you.
Where do you learn
to shuffle cards like that, friend?
I have three young grandchildren.
When they come over to the house
once a week, I play Old Maid with them.
- Will open for $200.
- I'll raise you $200.
- Raise.
- I'll raise.
- Raise.
- I'll raise.
- Will call.
- How many cards would you like, sir?
None. Am pat. How about you?
I haven't looked at these yet,
but I'll use these.
- Okay, check.
- All right.
Read them and weep. Straight.
Now, what does it take to beat that, friend?
It'll take at least a flush.
I haven't got it.
But I have got a full house.
How do you know?
You haven't looked at the cards.
It's beginner's luck, I guess.
Well, it's 7:00. Past my bedtime.
Guess we'll have to go now.
Must you?
Well, I got...
You still have $400 of my money, you know.
Like to give you a chance to get it back,
but got to be in Las Vegas in the morning.
Sit down, friend.
You're a likely-looking fellow.
Like the way you handle cards.
Almost as good as I was when I broke in.
You a gambler?
Let's just say I'm a businessman.
But I represent a group of gamblers.
We're planning on opening in Vegas.
I'm always looking for new talent
to handle one of my roulette wheels.
You interested?
Well, might be. What is your proposition?
10% of take
and advance transportation to Las Vegas.
- Well...
- Good.
I like a man who makes decisions.
I've chartered a plane.
We leave in half an hour.
- But I have friends.
- It's a large plane.
Now, start packing, friend.
What's the big idea?
My goodness!
What are you doing under the sand?
A little doggie buried me.
What's the matter, can't a guy even relax?
There's Al.
Excuse me a minute, girls.
- I've been trying to locate you, Al.
- More trouble?
- That Yvonne dame is in town.
- How do you know?
Go ahead, wise guy,
figure out an angle for that.
I told you we'd have to play the odds, kid.
The odds are 50-1
I'm dead if Jane finds out.
This is my wedding night.
Steve, my boy,
this is no time for sentiment.
Sentiment? I got news for you.
If Jane finds out Yvonne's in town,
I'm not opening tonight.
Steve, take my word.
Jane will not be at the opening tonight.
Now, get back to her
before she gets suspicious.
Got to get an angle.
- Got to get an angle.
- Al.
You didn't say anything
about my new bathing suit.
You got one on?
Al, don't you pay any attention?
Chicken, with the problems
I've got on my mind...
you could be wearing a suit of armor
and wouldn't notice.
Al, if you're in trouble, I was thinking...
Chicken, with you, that's dangerous.
Wait a minute. I got an idea.
Tell you what I want you to do.
I'm sick, I tell you.
- What are you doing here?
- Where is she?
Chicken. Oh, was right. Was right.
She looked murderous all day,
and when she didn't call me...
I knew the poor kid was off the beam.
- You better have a look at her, Doc.
- Doctor...
Ain't got time for introductions.
What do you say, Doc? How bad is she?
Wonder where she caught it.
- Probably contagious, too.
- Be quiet, Al.
Doctor, is there anything seriously
the matter with this girl?
- Could I see you in private, please?
- Yes.
Chicken, your act is terrific.
You even look sick.
How'd you get that green complexion?
You know, when I do anything,
I always do it right.
- I swallowed a whole bottle of pickles.
- Great, chicken.
I'm going to sneak back
to the Quicksand Club...
and after tonight's cleaning,
you and me is as good as hitched.
When I think of marrying you,
I could stay sick forever.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Lucky Dollar.
We start our floorshow
by bringing you a new singing discovery...
who is making his first appearance.
How about a great big Western welcome?
Mr. Steve Laird.
This is a pretty song
But I don't like it
Don't want a city song
Wanna sing Western
That is the best darn music in all the world
We're gonna have
A low-down hoe-down tonight
Step up, stranger, try your hand
Have a hi-dee-hoe-down tonight
To the diddle of the fiddle
and the guitar band
Gonna git a little gal and sashay tonight
Prairie music, that's our brand
Who cares if they're playir it right
Long as we can hear the fiddle
and the guitar band
Wort he be wonderful in my next picture?
Yvonne, darling,
the part calls for an older man.
Don't worry.
When I'll be through with him,
he will be older and wiser.
...beef and barbecue ball
You can bet a silver dollar
I'm a-goir tonight.
Finest wing-a-ding in the land
See me a-heel-and-toeir tonight
To the diddle of the fiddle
and the guitar band.
Swing your partner down the middle
But be sure you're with the diddle
And the twiddle of the fiddle
and the guitar band
Get ready for the square dance!
Make way for a lop-eared, ring-tailed...
smoke-eating, dad-blasted,
iron-livered varmint.
Oh, I'm gonna ride a mean coyote tonight
Smoke some cactus, that's my brand
Watch my pistols blazir tonight
In the middle of the fiddle and guitar band
Oh I'm gonna shoot
a few dumb sheriffs tonight
Chase that posse off my land
Don't you rile me stranger tonight
Or I'll riddle up the fiddle
and the guitar band
Now, get, Seymour.
I gotta call the square dance.
Get yourself.
I'm calling the square dance, pardner.
Now get. Go on, get.
Form your squares and circle 'round
Gonna have
the best square dance in town
Pass the biscuits, pass the grits
Pass the pills afore it hits
Play it pretty on the accordeen
There's old Pete. Say, how've you been?
Promenade, left and watch that twist
Grand right left, right after this
Got a dog named Ginger
How she yaps
Does she bite?
No, Ginger snaps
Promenade away we go
Finish up with a do-sa-do
Don't feel badly, Jane.
At least you can hear him.
But I did so want to see him.
Well, I guess this is better than nothing.
You can bet a silver dollar I'm goir tonight
Finest wingding in the land
See me a-heel-and-toeir tonight
To the diddle of the fiddle
and the guitar band
Swing your partner down the middle
But be sure you're with the diddle
And the twiddle of the fiddle
and the guitar band
- The show is over.
- It is? Well, I feel better.
Irma, how come you recovered so quickly?
- There's no point being sick now.
- What?
I come from a fighting family.
We fight these things off quickly.
- Hardy stock, you know.
- Wait a minute.
Irma Peterson, did you purposely get sick...
to keep me from going
to the opening tonight?
Jane, how can you say such things?
Never mind, you better tell me the truth.
Now, Jane, don't pump me.
Irma, are you keeping something from me
that I should know?
Jane, you can beat me, you can torture me,
you can wrack me on the wheel...
you can quarter me
into six and a half pieces.
But you'll never find out from me
that Yvonne, the French actress...
is responsible for Steve's singing
at the Lucky Dollar Club.
Yvonne. Yvonne?
That woman we saw on the train?
Yes. But I refuse to answer.
Why, that French...
That French...
And Steve promised me
he'd never see her again.
Now you understand why we didn't want you
to go to the opening tonight.
Not go? Are you kidding?
Why, I'll give him an opening
that'll close both his eyes.
All right, Jane,
but remember, I didn't tell you.
Let's not go back to the table.
Let's go over to the bungalow,
and we'll talk about the script.
I'm gonna level with you.
You've been very decent
to give me this break...
but I'm in love with someone else.
So what? Every man is in love.
That's what make it interesting.
But you don't understand.
She and I are gonna get married tonight.
Married? But that's for peasant.
Well, I'm pretty much of a peasant myself.
So long.
Well, it's too bad. You're such a nice boy.
So I'll say, au revoir.
- Well, Lafayette's mother, I'm here.
- Jane, honey, where've you been?
I missed your opening,
but I arrived in time to close you out.
Here, here's your ring.
Wear it through your nose,
so she can lead you around on a leash.
Jane.
Now that you are single, come with me.
What is this?
Well, that's what gives the house
a little edge.
You mean, you cannot lose?
Lose? The house lose?
Don't even think like that, my friend.
- That isn't healthy.
- Got you.
Good luck, my boy. We'll be around.
- Al.
- Chicken.
Told you, never bust
into my place of business.
Al, I got terrible news.
Jane found out about Yvonne
and had a fight with Steve...
- and she's going back to New York.
- So what?
Al, did you hear what I said?
I said Jane found...
Look, chicken, am not interested in Jane.
Steve was a big hit tonight,
and with the little job I'm doing here...
we got a one-way ticket on that gravy train.
Al, we're opening in a few minutes.
Come on over and check in.
Am coming.
Now, chicken,
run along and rejoice in your good fortune.
Before you know it, you will be Mrs. Al.
Mrs. Al.
My Al, respectable businessman.
Al. He's so untidy.
He'll lose a job
if he doesn't keep this place neat.
The things I have to do
to help that mars career.
Oh, well, a man is only as good
as the woman behind him.
Jane, you can't do this. You can't go back.
Irma Peterson, the less you say, the better.
But Jane, I thought
it was for your own good.
For my own good?
Locking me in this room
on my wedding night...
while you pretend to be dying...
so that Steve can be alone
with that French, man-eating shark.
Letting that deadbeat boyfriend of yours...
and that quack doctor
make a fool out of me.
Jane, you're wrong,
he wasrt a quack doctor.
He was a lumberjack.
I should have known
when I saw him examining your head.
Now, if you'll do me a favor,
you'll get out.
But Jane, we've been friends
for so many years.
We were friends.
- Something wrong, miss?
- Everything's wrong.
You see, Jane's angry at Steve...
and she thinks
I was trying to make a monkey out of her.
- I don't think you'd understand.
- I don't think anybody would.
Can we drive you anyplace, miss?
Yes, would you drive me
to the Quicksand Club?
Sure. Hop in, sister.
It was awfully sweet of you boys
to give me a lift.
That's all right, ma'am. Happy to do it.
Next time you have a firemars ball,
count me in.
Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.
Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.
15, black.
Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.
8, black.
Take it easy.
That might have been an accident.
Place your bets.
24, black.
Seems like everybody's lucky tonight.
Take over, Jeff.
Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.
But, tell you, didn't do it.
Don't know what happened.
Well, don't worry about it. We'll find out.
The autopsy will show everything.
Look, friend,
you can only double-cross us once.
You cost us $50,000.
You're going on your last ride. Get in.
Hold it, the cops.
Chicken!
Chicken, they are taking me for a ride.
Is that wonderful?
You only worked for them one night
and already they're entertaining you.
- Thank you, officers. I found him.
- Okay.
Honey, I...
Take a last look at your boyfriend, sister.
We are bumping him off.
Bumping him off?
After the way he worked for you?
And I cut the wires,
so the wheels wouldn't be so messy.
- So. You're both in on it?
- Yes.
- Snatch the dame, Pete.
- Come on, in.
Look, fellas,
you got nothing against us personally.
You're out $50,000.
How are you gonna get it back
if you kill the two of us?
- What are you getting at?
- Can raise the dough, friend.
- Am willing to offer security.
- What kind?
You can hold my girlfriend.
Al, would you trust me with strange men?
Will only be for 24 hours.
Know I can depend on you, chicken.
Well, what do you say, fellas?
What do you say?
Pull up the car, Pete. All right, get out.
You better have $50,000
at the Quicksand Club in 24 hours...
- or you'll never see this dame again.
- Do not worry, friend.
Goodbye, chicken. Take care of yourself.
Sheriff!
My girl, somebody's kidnapped my girl.
Kidnapped? What's your name, bud?
Al. Work at the Quicksand Club.
Quicksand Club, huh?
Ain't that that shady spot outside of town?
Yeah. What were you doing there?
Bartender.
Look, Sheriff, don't make me talk so much.
You don't know what I've been through.
Four men jumped my girl and me.
Fought like a wild man.
Had them all licked.
When they were joined by a fifth guy,
who blackjacked me.
Take it easy, pardner.
How do we know this story's on the level?
You gotta believe me! You gotta believe me!
Hey, that's the man. That's him.
Bill, if this guy's story is true...
we got something
on the Corrigan mob at last.
- Corrigan mob? - Yeah, they're
a bunch of hoodlums. Killers.
We run a clean town. Legitimate gambling.
Been trying to get something
on these boys, to run them out of town.
Bill, flash the alarm.
We got a kidnapping rap on them.
Calling all cars. Calling all cars.
Jane.
Steve, please don't tell me
any more of your lies. We're finished.
But, Jane, it's all a mistake.
You're right. It was all a mistake.
Au revoir.
Jane, how can I make you believe me?
I've told you Yvonne means nothing to me.
It's all over, honey.
There never was anything in the first place.
Nothing you can say
would make me change my mind.
We interrupt this program
to bring you a special news bulletin.
The Sheriff's Office has informed us
that a girl, Irma Peterson...
has been kidnapped
by the notorious Corrigan mob.
All persons with any knowledge
of this girl's whereabouts...
please report
to the Sheriff's Office immediately.
Steve, take me to
the Sheriff's Office, quick.
All right, folks,
I'm hereby authorizing a posse.
I want to remind you that this
is dangerous work. These men are killers.
Any volunteers?
- I'm one.
- Here, too.
I'll join.
- You can count me in, Sheriff.
- Be careful, Steve.
Need more men. Any other volunteers?
- I'll go, Sheriff.
- What about you, Al?
- Come on, men, I need more volunteers.
- I'll sign up.
I'm with you, Sheriff.
I want to tell you that
there's a $5,000 reward for this mob.
Sheriff, count me in.
Okay. Do you wanna be a regular deputy?
Pays $14 a day.
- Go the limit.
- Swear him in, Jim.
- Here you are.
- Hear, hear!
I hear there's a call for able-bodied men.
- Yeah, do you know one?
- I know me. I'm able. I'm a man.
And despite what you think, this is a body.
I'm sorry, son, I can't take you
without your mother's permission.
How's that?
Okay, follow them the best way you can.
A car answering that description
was seen on Highway 31...
- and headed for the Coyote Hills.
- Coyote Hills?
They ever get up in there,
nobody but an Indian could find them.
Bill, send out a call to bring in
the Indian scouts from the village.
Indian scouts? I'm a member.
When the Indians adopted me...
they told me what to do
in case they needed help.
I'll take care of everything.
All right, everybody.
You deputies take control.
Get in squad cars
and converge on Highway 31.
You better stay out of this, miss.
Might get pretty rough.
Listen, Sheriff, you haven't got enough men
to keep me out of this.
Not when it concerns my friend Irma.
Give me a gun.
Gentlemen, how do I look?
What do you care how you look?
You ain't going no place.
Yeah, if your boyfriend don't come
through with the dough soon...
where you're going,
you ain't gonna need any makeup.
Your play, Pete.
That's not a very nice way to speak to me.
After all, remember, I'm your house guest.
Will you tell that dame to shut up?
She yaps all day.
Twenty years of my life
I spent in three different clinks...
and this is the first time
I'm going stir-crazy.
- I'm gonna let her have it.
- Take it easy, Pete.
We're waiting for the ransom dough.
The dame's no good to us dead.
Alive, she's won'th $50,000.
Say, I've been meaning
to ask you about that.
$50,000...
and I weigh a 115 pounds. That'd be...
That means that you're asking...
$444.53 a pound.
You know, meat prices have come down.
I'm gonna bump that screwball dame off.
I can't concentrate on my cards!
Don't let her get you down, Pete.
Look at me. She don't get on my nerves.
Ignore her.
- Jack of spades. You need it?
- No.
Why don't you knock?
- Give me that gun. I'll bump her off.
- Take it easy, Slim.
Don't let her get on your nerves.
Shut your trap before you drive us nuts.
All right.
But remember, if you ever ask me
back here again, I refuse the invitation.
Ain't you getting my message?
This is a tribe?
Where's the rest of the relatives?
Maybe the rest of them are in the wigwam.
All right, Laughing Nothing.
Make smoke signal.
Come, find white girl.
Hey, they've answered our signal.
Come on.
Hey, you blonde screwball,
how about some grub?
Please, gentlemen, I'll admit I'm a blonde.
I'd like to knock that dame off
and forget about the dough.
Keep your shirt on.
Come on, boys, we gotta blow.
Another mouth to feed.
- What's that dame doing here?
- We're holding her for ransom.
- For ransom?
- Yeah.
Yeah, we didn't knock off Al.
We're holding his dame for the $50,000.
You idiots. This towrs too hot.
They found that wheel was wired.
Now you got a kidnap rap against us?
Forget about any $50,000.
Let's get out of here.
Wait a minute. That dame's liable to talk.
We gotta knock her off.
Let me do that.
Don't shoot her in the head.
The bullet will never go through.
All right, sister, come on out.
Are you coming out
or do I have to come in after you?
Where are the other gentlemen?
I prepared one of my best meals.
Sister, I'm gonna have to bump you off.
And begging ain't gonna help.
I'm not begging,
I'm just picking up the dishes.
- Why are you doing this to me, sir?
- Shut up and count to 10.
But I don't want to die. I'm too young.
I'm not even married.
Although I've been engaged for five years,
I've never had any children.
I want to be a mother.
It'd be better for your kids
if I bump you off.
No. Who will take them to school?
You see, I've never had much
out of life yet.
I miss my mother and my father.
- They were just like parents to me.
- Shut up and start counting.
One.
Two.
Two and a half.
Two and three quarters.
Now, you quit stalling for time,
'cause I'll plug you at five.
Don't be impatient.
That still gives me three hours.
Please don't kill me.
Excuse me, sir, you dropped your gun.
As I was saying...
As I was saying...
As I was saying...
I don't care what you were saying.
I'm gonna plug you.
Three, four.
Six!
Stop it, Irma! It's me, Seymour!
I don't speak to strange animals.
Irma!
Irma, you're hitting the wrong head!
I'm just taking pot-luck!
Miss Peterson...
I'm prepared to offer you a part
in Miss Yvonne's next picture, Congo Girl.
Of course, I realize
you haven't acted before...
but the exploitation value to me
will be tremendous.
Wait a minute. I also want the young man.
I'm awfully sorry,
no more of this Hollywood business for me.
- Right, honey?
- Right, Steve.
I do not mean you.
I mean that wonderful, young personality.
He's magnificent.
She can't mean Seymour?
Yes, Seymour. Where is that darling boy?
Look, here he is.
That's the baby.
Look at that face. He will be just perfect.
Wake up, kid. They want you for Hollywood.
Seymour, have just persuaded them
to put you and Irma in a picture...
- as a package deal.
- Me?
- Is this on the level?
- You will be wonderful.
Well, I always knew I was a great actor.
Here, my boy. I shart forget you. Here.
You shall be my stand-in.
Press my clothes and do various small things
around the studio.
Yes, you shall all benefit.
And you, my French beauty,
I will love you and kiss you.
Love you and kiss you.
Love you and kiss you.
For this you get paid?