My Little Chickadee (1940) Movie Script
DRIVER: Whoa!
Drop those guns.
Everybody get out.
Do not try anything,
and nobody will get hurt.
He said to come out, Miss Flower Belle.
- Well, I got nothing he wants.
- I will be the judge of that.
Come out, or I will have to kill
all these nice people.
Don't mind being held up,
but I don't like the inconvenience.
The Masked Bandit.
He's just another man to me.
Bring down the gold box.
Come on, take what you want
and let's get out of here.
I will do that, my pretty one.
Put the gold in my saddlebags.
He kidnapped her.
Pile in, everybody. We've got to get to Little Bend
and form a posse.
He just swept Flower Belle on his horse
and away they went.
He got away with the gold shipment, too.
He did?
- There's Flower Belle's aunt and uncle.
- Let them through.
- Mr. Powell, I got bad news for you.
- What's that?
Your niece has been
kidnapped by the Masked Bandit.
Flower Belle kidnapped?
Yes, and I'm forming a posse right now
to hunt for him.
Come on, let's go!
It's going to be all right, honey.
She's back. Flower Belle's coming.
All by herself, too!
You sure, Zeb?
Sure. Come on.
Come on, boys.
Here she is.
I'm all right, I'm fine.
I'm so happy to see you. I was so worried.
I was in a tight spot,
but I managed to wiggle out of it.
You always do.
Come on in the house, baby.
Flower Belle's back
and I guess that's all there is to it.
Go home and rest easy.
Did he want to hold you for ransom?
How'd you escape?
Don't go asking her
a lot of questions tonight.
Flower Belle must be plumb tuckered out
after an experience like that.
If you don't mind,
I think I'll go up to my room.
Just one question, Flower Belle.
How did you manage to get back to town
all by yourself?
Them hills is a long ways off.
He brought me to the edge of town,
after it got good and dark.
Where'd he keep you all that time?
I see you got my things off the stagecoach.
Come up, Aunt Lou. I want to show you
the pictures I had took at Big Bluff.
Bring up the baggage, Zeb.
Sure thing.
Good night, and thanks for looking for me.
These are right pretty pictures of you,
Flower Belle.
I like them. They look just like me.
Gold. Did the bandit give it to you?
Yeah, I figured it's only fair
for the inconvenience I went through.
It's you.
I didn't expect you so soon.
I had to come.
I could not stay away.
The whole town's been looking for you.
Anyone see you?
No, my pretty one.
The Masked Bandit move
like the shadow of the night.
That is beautiful.
When am I going to see your face?
You must be patient with me.
When am I going to see what I'm kissing?
Some day you will see.
I will take off this mask and never put it on again.
I recognised his horse...
and then I saw their shadow on her window.
There they were, locked in each other's arms.
She and that bandit. And then he came out, mask and all,
and rode away.
- lf you ask me, she's shielding him.
- Well, nobody's asking you so close your gopher trap.
you old snapping turtle!
Silence. Young man, sit down and be quiet.
Are we to conclude that you deliberately
refuse to tell us the true facts in this case?
I said all I'm gonna say, and that's nothing.
It's the opinion of this court,
and the good, law-abiding citizens...
that you constitute
a menace to this community...
and we hereby order you to leave town.
And not to return till you can prove
that you're respectable and married.
All right, if that's how you feel,
the feeling is mutual.
I wash my hands of you, too.
Young lady, are you trying to show contempt
for this court?
No, I'm doing my best to hide it.
We've already sent word by pony express
to Greasewood City that Flower Belle is on her way.
The Ladies Vigilante Committee
will cooperate with you there.
Goodbye, honey.
Take care of yourself and be a good girl.
I'll be as good as I can, Uncle John.
- I've put your baggage on the train.
- All right.
All aboard!
How come you're going my way, Mr. Budge?
No luck in Little Bend?
As a matter of fact, I did quite well
up to a certain point.
I was unusually lucky at faro,
I cleaned the house at blackjack...
and I was just beginning to fix up
a nice thing at draw poker...
when someone asked to examine the deck.
Lucky you got away with your head.
Who's the human buzz saw?
I understand he's going to Greasewood City
to be sheriff.
Yes, it seems they have to import them.
Nobody in town wants the job.
Sounds like the place might be interesting.
Ugh.
Ugh?
What're you doing down there?
How do you do, sir?
Have you any private cars on this train?
A room and bath with exclusive bar?
No, only day coaches.
Drat. Allow me a half a tick...
to gather my portmanteau
and some valuable belongings.
Milton, my lad, meet me in Greasewood City.
Ugh.
Oh, dear. Did you break your umbrella?
You can't break it.
It's a genuine Chamberlain.
Straighten them out very easily.
Yeah, that's better.
May I present my card?
"Money loaned on clothing, furs, fur..."
- Just a moment. How did that get in there?
- Thank you.
Was that chap dragging you across
the prairie a full-blooded Indian?
Quite the antithesis. He's very anaemic.
What a pretty ring. Is it a cat's-eye?
Yes, it is a cat's-eye.
The pupil runs the wrong way. It's crossed.
Crossed with a bobcat.
Who is that vision of loveliness up there?
Pardon me, I'll be back. Keep the card.
Pardon me.
- Nice day.
- Is it?
Of course, it's only one man's opinion.
May I present my card?
"Novelties & Notions."
What kind of notions you got?
You'd be surprised.
Some are old. Some are new.
Whom have I the honour
of addressing, m'lady?
They call me Flower Belle.
Flower Belle. What a euphonious appellation.
Easy on the ears and a banquet for the eyes.
You're kind of cute yourself.
- Thank you. I never argue with a lady.
- Smart boy.
Thank you again. Do you ever play cards?
Don't mind if I do.
I'll show you a few card tricks.
We'll play the first one at two for nothing.
Then if you wish to make a wager, that's okay.
Indians!
You boys get away from here. Private car.
That's murder.
They can't get away with this.
They can't intimidate me.
Get them right in the canteen.
Here, take them. Reload.
Flower Belle, take my gun.
FLOWER: This is better
than a shooting gallery.
Fight going on in the other car.
Indians are attacking.
Here, that thing's no good.
Give me my slingshot.
Take this. Go in there and fight like men.
Come on, boys.
Come on, get in there.
What're you doing?
Here, get in there and fight like men.
- Look out. Get out of my way.
- What're you trying to do?
Out of my way, mademoiselle.
This is a man-sized job.
Backfired on me.
Must've got one of them.
Here. Flower Belle.
What are you doing with my hat on? Here.
There he goes in a shower of feathers.
Nice shooting.
I almost broke one of my fingernails.
That was swell shooting, Miss Lee.
Ah, a cadaver.
The curse of strong drink.
The Sheriff is dead. Long live the Sheriff.
I hope that wasn't whiskey
you were drinking.
No, dear, just a little sheep dip.
Panacea for all stomach ailments.
Godfrey Daniel.
Tell me, prairie flower...
can you give me the inside info...
on yon damsel with a hot house cognomen.
- You mean Miss Flower Belle Lee?
- I don't mean some woman out in China.
Well, I'm afraid I can't say anything good
about her.
I can see what's good. Tell me the rest.
On account of her carryings-on
in Little Bend, she was asked to leave town...
and she will not be permitted to return
until she is respectable and married.
Furthermore, I don't think
she'll be received in Greasewood City.
In fact, I don't think she'll be permitted
to step off the train.
I hope she don't get too violent. I haven't
strength enough to knock her down.
Well, goodbye.
The days of chivalry are not over.
Baby doll...
these weed benders have been running off
at the mouth to your detriment.
I ain't surprised. Bad news travels fast.
I understand you need a cicerone, a guide.
I need more than that, honey.
What symmetrical digits.
Soft as the fuzz on a baby's arm.
But quick on the trigger.
Yes. May I?
Help yourself.
Would you object if I avail myself
of a second helping?
Don't you think you're a little forward
on such short acquaintance?
You're compromising me.
May I present you with a little amulet...
that I received from Aga Khan...
when I was in the Himalayas?
It's just a little thing.
The Aga and I were very good friends.
What a pretty sentiment.
A lonesome heart. That's what I am.
It is not good for a man to be alone.
It's no fun for a woman, either.
Is it possible for us
to be lonesome together?
Quite possible.
I will be all things to you:
Father, mother, husband, counsellor, Jackanapes, bartender...
You're offering quite a bundle, honey.
My heart is a bargain today.
Will you take me?
I'll take you and how.
I am the happiest mortal alive.
Miss Flower Belle has consented to be my lawfully wedded wife.
How wonderful.
I'm so happy for you, my dear.
That makes everything all right, doesn't it?
You're redeemed.
Not yet. We've got to see a preacher first.
I beg your pardon, but I'm not...
Excuse me.
See, they think you're a preacher. You look
like one, now you've got to act like one.
Yes, but l...
I'm in a predicament. I'm depending on you.
You're my ace in the hole.
You got to do this for me.
Besides, he's got a bag full of money.
Well, of course,
this is rather unusual for me...
but under the circumstances, I'll deal.
I mean, I'll officiate.
We'll need a ring.
My dear, I will be your witness.
I think I have one here that will fit.
The fourth digit of the left hand.
Sorry I didn't have
a little goose grease with me.
Perfect.
Yes, I guess that'll do the trick.
Shall we commence?
Of course, you're both acquainted
with the rules of the game...
I mean, with the requirements of matrimony.
I got a pretty good idea.
Very well.
Now, do you, Flower Belle Lee...
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Allow me to congratulate you. And you, sir.
Thank you.
As is customary,
the groom will kiss the bride.
- Greasewood City.
- Congratulations. Hope you're very happy.
Greasewood. Have to get out.
- Congratulations, I'm a married man myself.
- You look it.
I'm so happy for you, my dear.
I know you'll be happy, dear.
I hope it ain't one of the guests.
- Like a cosy little nest.
- Don't start crowing too soon.
Crowing. Very good.
Two rooms, if you don't mind.
Pass. The bridal suite.
We're married, you know.
I'll take the suite. Give him the room.
Yes, ma'am.
But my dove. My little dove.
Come right up this way.
My little dove pie.
I'm not speaking to you.
My little sugar-coated wedding cake.
A couple of house dicks.
Thank you.
Evidently an Ethiopian in the fuel supply.
Seems to me I'm getting the old "heave-ho."
- Here's your room, sir.
- Leave it there. I'll find it.
Telegram for Mrs. Twillie.
Shove it under the door.
I'll take it down. Leave it in the office.
By the way, my ski shoes and hockey bats
will be on the next train. Along with a polo pony.
I understand the countryside
abounds here with wild game. flamingos, flying wombats, Indian civets.....
Egad, the child's afraid of me. She's all a-twit.
Come, my phlox, my flower.
I have some very definite pear-shaped ideas
that I'd like to discuss with thee.
Come, open.
You can't come in. Go away, I'm dressing.
I'm as gentle...
Gentle as a forest-bred lion.
And keep away from that keyhole.
It was the cat, dear. Listen, didn't you promise to love,
honour, and be obedient?
Don't be old-fashioned.
Be a good boy and run along.
Why don't you look the town over?
What an unselfish little rose petal
you are, to be sure.
Must be Big Chief's new tepee.
Milton, my brave.
Go upstairs and park your stoical presence outside the tepee of Mrs. Twillie.
Number 8.
I'll proceed to the local gin mill
and absorb a beaker of firewater.
Big Chief gottum new squaw?
"New" is right.
She hasn't been unwrapped yet.
It certainly pays to be a good woman.
Yes, Squawk. It's been 20 years ago,
come rapadance...
since you and I tended bar together
in The Old Buster House down on lower Broadway.
- Seems like yesterday.
- Yes, it does.
Squawk and I tended bar together,
20 years ago, down on lower...
My name's Twillie, Cuthbert J. Twillie.
One of the old Back Bay Twillies.
Thank you. I'm glad to know you, too.
Make yourself at home, Twillie.
If you still care to play cards,
there's always a game.
Naturally. There may be a game of flinchback there, too. I was very good at...
In the alcove there.
Thanks.
Well, I'll see you later
and we'll have another little conversation.
I'll raise it $100.
I'll make it $200.
Playing lone hand?
Up to now.
Would you like to engage in a little game of Cut?
The higher card wins?
- What stakes?
- Make it easy on yourself.
- $100, gold.
- I'll cover that.
I'm travelling a little light.
The country is fraught with marauders.
I'll give you my personal IOU.
A thing I seldom give to strangers.
That IOU better be good.
Worth its weight in gold.
King.
Don't show me the cards.
A gentleman's game.
I don't want to look at it.
Ace.
I didn't see it.
Very well, here you are, Nosy Parker.
Ace. I hope that satisfies
your morbid curiosity.
Shall we have another go at it?
Probably at some future date. Excuse me.
Open game, gentlemen?
Deal me in. Give me $100 worth of chips.
$100 worth.
$100.
That's my stack.
Well, from the little acorn
grew the mighty oak.
Beginner's luck, gentlemen.
Although I have devoted some time to the game.
Play cards.
Thank you.
During one of my treks
through Afghanistan...
we lost our corkscrew and were compelled
to live on food and water...
Will you play cards?
...for several days. Yes, thank you. Yeah.
Take care of things, Pete.
I'm going out.
All right, Mr. Carter.
Where?
One of those city-slickers?
Gentlemen, my good fortune
embarrasses me.
- How do you do, gentlemen?
- Take him inside and lump him up.
Unhand me, you parcel of rogues!
You know what the penalty
for cheating is here?
I'm a stranger in these parts
and unacquainted with the rules.
- Where can I purchase a book?
- You won't need a book.
The boys will teach you the rules
in pantomime. Get him out of here!
Unhand... I'm an American citizen.
Unhand me!
I'm a taxpayer.
I shall write the Times about this.
Call me a barrister!
- How do you do?
- How do you do? Who are you?
I'm Jeff Badger. I own this place.
Is there anything I can do for you?
Yeah, you can get out of my way.
Unhand me, you uncouth lolligans.
Stay out.
This is sabotage.
A crime against liberty.
Hello, dear. My dove...
What do you call this?
- What do you call this?
- I'll ask the questions. You find the answers.
- Two of his roughs tried to do me in.
- For what reason?
They accused me of chicanery.
- This is a surprise.
- It was a surprise to me.
It's hard to trust people these days.
Mistakes will happen.
And after seeing you,
I know I must be wrong about him.
- We'll let it go at that.
- That's fine.
Let me show you there's no hard feelings
and extend my hospitality.
The drinks are on the house. Mulligan.
Let Mr. Twillie have anything he wants.
Pardon me for a second.
Give me that bottle.
- Will you join me at the table?
- I don't mind if I do.
I see. A gentleman.
- I've been called other things, too.
- Who hasn't?
This reminds me
of the White Palace in Chicago...
only this ain't white.
- You're from Chicago?
- Yeah, every bit of me.
Spend much time around the White Palace?
Yeah, I worked there.
Singing and entertaining.
- A regular turn.
- Is that so?
Maybe you'll sing for me sometime.
Thanks, I don't need a job.
No, I mean, just as a special favour to me.
Yeah, I'll sing for you. Sometime.
Anytime.
I reached down into my boots...
and I drew two more six shooters. Bang!
How'd you shoot three guns at once?
I had one in my teeth.
Three Indians bit the dust.
The slaughter I wreaked
upon the poor savages was devastating.
I run this town and everything I say goes.
So if anybody tries to make
any trouble for you...
you can count on me to protect you.
Funny. Every man I meet
wants to protect me.
I can't figure out what from.
This is a pretty wild country.
Boss, this guy Twillie is gunpowder.
He was on that train today
that was raided by Injuns.
According to him,
he beat them all single-handed.
What do you know about that?
- Say, he must be pretty good.
- It's news to me.
You know, I'm kind of sorry I accused a man
of his fighting spirit of cheating.
Now, the best way to blot out the stain
on his reputation is to honour him.
How do you mean?
I'm going to make him Sheriff of Greasewood City.
We need a sheriff,
and he's just the man we've been looking for.
- For something else, but not for sheriff.
- It's all settled.
It was the Comanches, Chippewas, and the old Sepulveda Indians.
It gives me great pleasure
to make a brave man like yourself Sheriff of Greasewood City.
Gentlemen, you overwhelm me.
Here, take this badge
and pin it over my heart.
Well, Sheriff, congratulations.
I thank... Thank you. Be careful of that trigger finger.
This is ridiculous.
You can't make this man sheriff.
He's not fit for the job.
What have we here?
I'm running this town, Carter.
I've told you to keep out of my business
if you want to go on peddling your papers.
If I want a sheriff, I'm going to have one.
Who is this muckraker?
There's one consolation, Badger.
He won't be sheriff very long.
- What do you mean by that?
- You ought to know what I mean. None of them last very long.
If this lady knows what's good for her,
she and her husband will stay out of here.
- What's the argument?
- I never argue with a lady.
Play it safe, huh?
- Who is this high-collar, anyway?
- He just runs the newspaper here.
And he's got some idea
about what he calls law and order.
I'd like to give the scamp a sound trouncing.
Just trounce yourself out of here.
Come on, we're going home.
Your pleasure is my pleasure, my peach.
Come back soon. Make the place your own.
That's an idea.
Thank you. We will.
Boys, she's gonna make a very pretty widow.
Git along, Christmas.
We got to find cousin Flower Belle.
Zeb?
Hi, Mrs. Gideon.
I'm looking for Flower Belle.
Well, you'll find her at the hotel.
She's married.
Married?
- Her name is Mrs. Twillie now.
- Twillie? You don't say.
Come on, Christmas. Look out, New Year.
Bet you a lei of beads.
No gottum lei.
What you got?
Five beads.
Five beads. I'll see them.
One, two, three, four, five. There you are.
What do you got?
Three squaws.
Three squaws? No good. Three chiefs.
Big Chief always win.
What are you up to now, you red rascal?
That'll teach you a lesson.
Teach you the bottle is mightier
than the quiver.
- Big Chief catch trouble.
- Big Chief can catch no trouble...
only from revenue agents for splitting
a bottle of whiskey with an Indian.
Are you cousin Sheriff Twillie?
I'm a sheriff, but I haven't any relatives
west of Canarsie.
I'm Flower Belle's cousin, Zeb.
You are?
Well, if you ever see your cousin tell her her husband would like to quaff
a dish of tea with her sometime.
I don't think you and cousin Flower Belle
are getting along the right way.
- Is there a right way?
- Well, sure there is.
Flower Belle likes her men strong, daring,
what live life dangerously.
My boy, being Sheriff of this town
is pretty dangerous.
The people here don't know the difference
between the Sheriff and a clay pigeon.
Gosh, you mean your life
ain't worth two cents?
Two cents?
Have you any of the elusive spondulicks on you?
You mean money?
That is correct.
You go back to the reservation and milk your elk.
Give this gentleman a seat. Sit down, Cousin.
Certainly good to see relatives far away from home.
Put the elusive right on the table there.
- You mean all of it?
- Every cent of it, yes.
Say, that's pretty good.
Is this a game of chance?
Not the way I play it, no.
You're beautiful.
I wonder what kind of a woman
you really are.
Too bad, but I can't give out samples.
Ladies and gentlemen...
I'm not going to make a speech.
In fact, we're not going to have any speeches tonight.
We're just gonna have a good time and enjoy ourselves.
But I feel that it is my duty and privilege...
to take this opportunity of welcoming a man to our community....
A man whose courage and daring has only recently been so well demonstrated....
Ladies and gentlemen further words are useless.
I'm referring to none other
than Cuthbert J. Twillie, our new sheriff.
A little cramped.
Why don't you let me
get you a shotgun divorce?
No, I'm saving it for a rainy day.
I know, but you should be thinking of your future.
- I ain't thinking of my past.
This is the stringiest vermicelli soup
I ever ate in my life.
It's all over the place. Light, though.
- Don't forget you promised to sing for me.
- I always keep my promise.
Ladies and gentlemen...
I have a surprise for you.
Our charming guest
is gonna honour us with a song.
...that's the value of irrigation.
The agitated campaign...
- Something I can do for you?
- I don't know yet.
- I see you print things here.
- Yes. Everything but money.
I know some people ain't so particular.
Tell me, what is your objections
to the new sheriff?
If you wanted to get rid of your husband I could think of no better way than
having him made Sheriff of Greasewood.
Are you insinuating I got an ulterior motive?
- No, Mrs...
- Call me Flower Belle. But what about getting rid of the Sheriff?
Let me tell you what we're up against.
What are we up against?
There have been five sheriffs
in the last six months.
Good hunting.
That's just about what it amounts to,
and each of them died an unnatural death.
- Killed.
- Who done it?
There's no definite proof,
but we suspect Badger and his men.
You mean Badger's a killer?
All I know is that Badger's the kind
of a man that will stop at nothing to further his own ends.
He will, huh? Glad you told me.
Tell me more.
Why, there's no such thing
as law and order in this town.
Decent citizens live in fear of their lives.
That ain't right.
There should be a law against it.
And another thing.
I've been trying for a long time
to raise funds so that we could have a little...
schoolhouse.
So that the youngsters could have
some civilizing influence.
You mean the kids of this town
don't get any book learning?
One of the ladies in the town teaches a class
in a little shack that we fixed up...
but she's not a regular teacher
and she doesn't handle them very well.
They're bad boys and they get pretty unruly.
So was I,
when I went to school back in Chicago.
But I guess I grew out of it. Or did I?
All I hope is that someday we can build this
into a fine a city that a person would be proud to live in.
I see what you mean.
You're a man with ideals.
I guess I better be going while you've still got them.
- Miss Flower Belle?
- Yes?
I wondered if you would care
to visit our little school with me tomorrow.
Coming from a big city like Chicago,
you might be able to offer us...
some suggestions, you know,
for improvements.
It's kind of against my principles,
but I will go with you.
Thanks. Can I see you to the hotel?
Just to the front door.
The Sheriff is very jealous.
Love and locksmiths.
- What are you trying to do?
- I'm Sheriff, my rhododendron.
Just warming up
for a bit of innocent sleuthing.
- lf you're so curious, come on in.
- Thank you, dear.
Certainly, the days of chivalry are not over.
I have been worried about you, my little peach fuzz.
Have you been loitering somewhere?
- I've been learning things.
- Unnecessary.
You are the epitome of erudition.
A double superlative.
Can you handle it?
Yeah, and I can kick it around, too.
There is something sweet
and dainty about a lady's boudoir.
How do you know?
Come on, answer the question.
Why, the latest etiquette books
are just full of such knowledge.
For a second I thought
I heard the voice of experience.
De la bath.
Pussycat fur.
Luxury!
This is quite an extravaganza, dear.
Well, what...
Alcohol.
Very good brand, too. Imported?
What won't they get up to next?
What's this? New invention.
Why do you have to milk it?
My plum, a lovely bath tub.
I understand it's the only private bath
in town. I'd hate to take one in public.
My dove, with your permission I shall dunk my pink and white body
in yonder Roman tub.
I feel a bit gritty after the affairs of the day.
Go right ahead, honey. Help yourself.
My dove, no man was ever happier.
Yum, yum.
It is with regret that I part from you
even to bathe.
Don't forget to take off your gloves.
- Thanks for your introspection, dear.
- Don't mention it.
For the nonce, adieu and au revoir.
TWILLIE: Man overboard!
This reminds me of the old swimming hole when I was a nipper.
That's where I got malaria.
What a foul summer that was.
It was the year the Jones boys murdered their mother.
Dear old lady. I can see her now, carrying the laundry home on her head.
My darling flower!
What is it, baby?
Baby. She calls me "baby."
I was just thinking how homey this all is.
Yeah, it's a nice thought.
What's your name?
Friend in need.
What did you say, my sweet?
Just agreeing with you, honey.
Drat.
Dear, I forgot to take the gloves off after all.
Just keep your mouth closed and let him do all the talking.
Pardon my redundancy, dear.
I shall join you in half a tick.
If you do this right, I'll get you one of his old straw hats.
I have been thoughtlessly cruel in absenting myself from you so long.
That's all right, honey.
I got a real surprise for you.
I'll bet you have at that, my dear.
There's a flower in the garden
for you young man so pluck it if you can.
Here I come, dear. Ready or not.
I feel rather parky, dear, in this diaphanous ubeitsehr.
Don't recoil from me, my sweet.
Are you sleeping in your caracal coat?
You better take it off, dear. You won't feel
the good of it when you go out.
It smells as though you haven't taken it
to the cleaners lately.
You reek of old tin cans.
I beg your pardon, dear?
Mama.
The sweet little dear is calling for her mama.
What sublime innocence.
Kiss me goodnight
Godfrey Daniel!
Beelzebub. I've been hoodwinked.
Shadrach and Abednego. The mystery of the fur coat.
And I wanted to kiss you.
You didn't waste time finding out where I was.
I got run out of Little Bend on account of you.
Yes, I know.
I also know you got married. Why you do this to me?
Don't mean anything, honey. It's just for convenience. I got to be respectable.
I can explain it to you sometime.
But he's your husband.
Don't worry. He will never cross my threshold.
- You can trust me.
- Can I trust him?
Forget it.
You're the one man in my life right now.
I will be the one man in your life
if I have to kill everyone else.
Save your lead, honey.
You got no competition.
My love.
That is beautiful.
You see, I ain't changed, have I?
You are more lovely than ever.
Last time you promised
to take off your mask this time.
You are the Sheriff's wife now.
It would be very embarrassing for you to know who I am.
I've never been embarrassed in my life.
A little gift.
I go, my sweetest one.
Adios, my fastest one.
That's fine.
Let's have just one more with the landlord
and then let him close up for the night.
What a conk.
The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
I think I'll write a book.
The Art of Arising the Morning After.
My kidneys. My pellagra.
Get me out of here, you red-skinned aborigine.
What do you think you are, you red rascal?
A Navajo rug or a hassock?
Chief no feel good?
I feel as though a midget with muddy feet
had been walking over my tongue all night.
Cease.
Cease. Quiet.
You're under arrest for disturbing the peace.
- Sheriff. It's written on the badge.
- Wait a minute, Sheriff.
The stage was held up last night and robbed
of considerable gold by the Masked Bandit.
How unfortunate. But he will have to split it.
We figured you'd want to form a posse
and search for him before his trail gets cold.
Posse by all means.
Thank you, Sheriff.
Big posse.
One of the biggest posse... Milton.
My habiliment. Duty calls.
Never mind. It can call later.
Sleep, the most beautiful experience in life...
except drink.
Boss, Carter's got the Sheriff's wife in his rig. They are just going by.
I suppose you're going to print about the
Masked Bandit holding up the stagecoach.
I wish I could print that we'd caught him.
- Everybody's after him, huh?
- Why not? After all, he's an outlaw.
Maybe he ain't so bad underneath.
People do a lot of things for different reasons.
He's pretty bad medicine. If I were you,
I wouldn't go out alone at night.
I can take care of myself.
Ain't met the man yet I was scared of.
How do you mean that?
You are very attractive, you know.
"Captivating" is the word, I think.
That's what you think.
Yes, and I think you could turn
a man's head very easily...
if he wasn't careful.
There's no fun in being too careful.
Aren't you forgetting that you are married?
I am doing my best.
I wish we'd met long before this.
You've met me now. I ain't complaining.
I know, but things might have been different.
How different?
I shouldn't be saying all this, I guess.
Maybe it's because it's spring,
and spring is the time for love.
What's the matter with the rest of the year?
I have no right to tell you anything,
but I will say this.
I don't like to see a girl like you
go in to Badger's.
It's a sordid place and full of temptations.
I generally avoid temptation
unless I can't resist it.
Pardon me. Okay. Thanks a lot.
Just taking Squawk Mulligan's place
for a couple of hours.
Just gone down to the tonsorial parlours
to get a haircut and shave.
Excuse me.
Soft pedal on that whistling, little lady.
It's bad luck. What's your pleasure?
Pour a whiskey, straight.
Go and take a seat at one of those tables.
I can't serve you here.
Listen, has that big stiff been in here today?
- I don't know who you are talking about.
- My husband.
- I don't know.
- I don't care.
I says to my husband this morning:
"The trouble with you
is I'm too good for you."
How do you like that?
He didn't have an answer.
You're too quick-witted for him.
You're good at repartee.
Will you go over there
and sit down at one of the tables?
Straight whiskey.
Thank you.
Squawk Mulligan tells me
you buried your wife several years ago.
Yes, I had to. She died.
You know what else I says to him?
I will be candid with you. I do not know.
Straight.
Straight whiskey, thank you.
I says there ain't a man...
You're full of helium.
You better not take off your shoes.
You'll go straight up in the air. Now, listen...
go over there and sit down at one of those tables.
The best man that ever breathed ain't good
enough for the worst woman in the world.
Now listen, you pygmy.
Go over and sit down at one of those tables or I'll take you out of here
and throw you on your head.
You and who else?
Me and Squawk Mulligan.
Okay.
You big tomboy.
Can you beat that?
Kinda tough.
Tough, nothing.
If I was in condition, and I had Squawk
with me, I could lick two of them.
Give me a shot of that panther.
Yeah.
I am tending bar one time down
the Lower East Side of New York.
A tough paloma comes in there
by the name of Chicago Molly.
I cautioned her,
"None of your peccadilloes in here."
There was some hot lunch
on the bar comprising of succotash...
Philadelphia cream cheese...
and asparagus with mayonnaise.
She dips her mitt down in to this melange...
I'm yawning at the time,
and she hits me right in the mug with it.
I jumps over the bar and knocks her down.
Where's the funnel?
I don't know. It's up along there somewhere.
You were there the night I knocked
Chicago Molly down, weren't you?
You knocked her down?
I was the one that knocked her down.
Yeah, that's right. He knocked her down.
But I was the one to start kicking her.
- Here's the funnel.
- Okay.
I starts kicking her in the midriff.
Did you ever kick a woman
in the midriff that had a pair of corsets on?
No, I just can't recall
any such incident right now.
Why, I almost broke my great toe.
I never had such a painful experience.
Did she ever come back again?
I'll say she came back. She came back
a week later and beat the both of us up.
Yeah, but she had another woman with her.
An elderly lady with grey hair.
I had those two tough guys beat her up.
Sheriff, come out from behind that bar.
You're not wanted here.
You're crazy. I'm wanted for
in nearly every state in the Union.
Come on.
We must all act together if we are ever to rid
this town of Badger or any other lawbreaker.
Something's got to be done about this masked outlaw.
Unless we can catch him red-handed or can someway learn his identity,
there's not much we can do.
I know someone who can identify
the Masked Bandit.
Explain yourself, Mrs. Gideon.
- I don't wish to injure anyone's reputation.
- I'm sure you don't.
But Flower Belle, the Sheriff's wife,
has an intimate acquaintance with him.
- What's that?
- Yes.
She was asked to leave Little Bend
on account of him.
Of course, she claims
she never saw his face, but...
That's possible.
But it is known he visited her
in her own room.
So everybody in Little Bend believes that... Well, you know.
What else can everyone believe?...
I'm inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt.
However, I will agree to keep an accurate check on her activities.
Another thing. Your name was brought up at
the Vigilante Committee meeting last night
in connection with the masked outlaw
who's been robbing the stages.
In what connection?
A person said that you've been well
acquainted with him for some time and that you actually know who he is....
I don't know who he is. I wish I did.
Nobody believes me. I hope you do.
- I was just beginning to like you.
- I believe you.
Mr. Carter?
What is it, Lem?
- Miss Foster's fainted again.
- Who's Miss Foster?
She's the lady that's teaching school.
Come on. Let's see what we can do for her.
What's this, Miss Foster? Aren't you taking
the job a little too seriously?
I guess it upsets me too much,
when the boys get unruly.
Wet a towel and put it on her head.
Go back to your books, boys.
Don't let them get you upset.
It's your nerves, you need a rest.
You hear that? It gives you an example
of what she's got to put up with.
- I better go dismiss the class for the day.
- No, that's what they're hoping you'll do.
I'll take over the class.
I'll show you how to handle them.
But I wouldn't think of imposing.
I'll give them learning they never got before.
Boys! Quiet!
This is Miss Flower Belle. She'll teach you
your lessons for the rest of the day.
Boys, stand up.
Sit down.
Very good.
That's your first lesson in discipline.
I demand obedience.
Boys, education's a great thing.
I don't know what I'd do without mine.
Knowledge ain't so easy to get.
You got to work hard and study.
I'm still studying.
Of course, I don't study the same things
you do, but it's a good idea.
Now, history. A very fascinating study.
In fact, it's my favourite reading.
What's your name?
Lem.
Lem, tell me,
what do you know about Cleopatra?
Gosh, teacher, I ain't seen her.
Of course, you ain't.
She's a historical character. She lived way back in the early times.
What a time she had.
She used to fool around with snakes.
You mean, rattlesnakes?
These snakes didn't rattle, they crooned.
She was the Queen of Egypt.
I seen Little Egypt once.
They ain't related. Sit down.
By the way, what are you doing here, Pop?
Never had time to learn reading
and writing up to now.
Carried a musket in '61.
Fought in Chickamauga and Bull Run, I did.
You did? That's fine.
Any questions?
We was doing arithmetic on the blackboard
when Miss Foster took sick.
Arithmetic?
I was always pretty good at figures myself.
That will be enough of that.
Now this example is what is known as addition,
or putting two and two together.
Why, teacher?
You said "Why?"
Yes, teacher.
That's what I thought you said,
and that's a very good question, too.
Addition is when you take one thing
and add it to another and you get two.
Two and two is four and five will get you 10,
if you know how to work it.
Anyway, it all adds up in the end...
and that, my dear young man, is addition.
What's subtraction, teacher?
Subtraction.
That's very simple.
For instance, a man has $100
and you leave him with $2.
Boy, that's subtraction.
I'm only gonna do this once,
so everybody pay attention.
Eight and seven are 16 and nine are...
31, down one.
- That ain't right, teacher.
- What's wrong with it?
Eight and seven are 15
and nine are 24. Not 31.
I was just trying to trap you. Smart boy.
You will go to the head of the class.
In fact, step right up here and finish it.
"I am a good boy. I am a good man. I am a good girl."
What is this? Propaganda?
I wonder what would happen
if you moved that one over there.
I see. It's just an experiment, that's all.
- May I come in?
- You are in.
I thought you might enjoy
one of my pies, Sheriff.
- This is the one I baked especially for you.
- Thank you.
- Is this the raspberry?
- No, it's the gooseberry.
I was used to getting the raspberry.
I was beginning to enjoy it.
A little tart.
I won't keep you from your work, Sheriff...
but sometime when your duties permit,
I'd enjoy having you to tea.
Tea, yes, fine, I'd like that.
- Shall we say sometime soon?
- Let us say sometime.
Accompany the lady to her home.
Sheriff. I don't need protection.
That's what you think.
Accompany the lady to her home.
Ugh.
Thank you.
- Goodbye, Sheriff.
- Goodbye. Don't forget, tea. I make wonderful crumpets, too.
Tea and crumpets. Tea and crumpets, what a combination.
Get my bottle out of that lower drawer, will you?
Say, Mrs. Gideon, she kinda likes you, don't she?
I intrigue all the ladies but Mrs. Twillie.
I understand the Masked Bandit can get
an audience with her anytime he wishes.
Yeah, I guess so.
But cousin Flower Belle
never knows when he's gonna show up.
- He sort of surprises her.
- He surprises her? That gives me an idea.
- I guess I'll go out and eat. So long.
- All right, so long.
Gives me an excellent idea. He surprises her?
I know where I can pick up the very thing.
Must be my two-gun Romeo.
I wasn't expecting you tonight, honey.
Wait a minute, honey. Let me get my breath.
What have you been drinking, embalming fluid?
What do you call this?
It's you, is it?
Chiquita.
What do you think this is gonna get you?
No jockey was ever ruled off for trying, chiquita.
What kind of a jockey?
I used to be a reindeer jockey.
Yeah? Well, don't think
you're gonna win this by a nose.
My rose petal, just one little snuggle.
You cheat.
If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
Just one little osculation.
You got one under false pretences.
Then give me one that's on the up.
My love, you incinerate me.
Your walk, your talk...
the way you wave your little pinky.
Your line ain't low enough to trip me.
I climbed the ladder of love to reach for the star.
Reach for the air.
I'm in no mood for astronomy.
What did you put this thing on for?
I have it on good authority a mask is the open sesame to your boudoir.
The child's afraid of me. She's all a-twit.
Didn't you promise to love, honour and be obedient?
I'm all wound up, my pink.
Why don't you go?
I am a heartbroken hombre.
You will be a heartbroken um-bay
if you don't get out of here.
Chiquita.
Masked Bandit!
What's the matter? What happened?
Masked Bandit. Went that way.
Joe, stay here and take care of her.
Come with me to the Sheriff. We've got to report this.
The rest of you, round up the vigilantes.
Wait.
Come on. We've been on the wrong trail.
Get him, boys.
Wait a minute, unhand me. I'm the police.
You're also the Masked Bandit. All the time
we thought you were a weakling.
This is a case of mistaken identity.
We'll see about that. Take him to the hotel.
You're all under arrest. Corpus delicti!
Wait a minute, boys.
Don't be in such a hurry with that rope.
Easy on the proboscis.
Explain it as I would, buttercakes.
- You've got the wrong man.
- You claim you never saw the bandit's face.
How do you know he's not the man?
- After all, he was found with this mask.
- Anyone could have a mask.
I just returned from a masquerade.
I impersonated the Ubangi.
Ridiculous. He just returned from stepping on my face.
They're both lying. She's as bad as he is.
She works hand in glove with him.
Come on, put her in jail and lock her up.
Wait a minute, ladies. I hardly think
it's necessary to lock her up...
if she gives us her word
that she won't leave town.
Leave town?
Are you gonna let her hoodwink you
the way she did in Little Bend?
No!
Lock her up.
- Doing your homework?
- Yup.
Need any help?
Whiskers were always my weakness.
I was just thinking, you look
a lot like President Grant around the edges.
You don't mean that, do you?
You know, I got to admit your whiskers attract me.
Gosh, you are the first pretty woman
what ever took a hankering to me.
You make me feel right pert.
A rendezvous with a goat.
Looks like the late Earl of Muffington.
Honey, I could stand a drink of water.
Go get me one.
Sure will.
That's a good boy.
Now, for being so nice, you can part
the sagebrush and give me a kiss.
Gosh.
Open that door and let me out of here.
Hurry up or I'll blow your ears off.
I've been slickered.
Get in there and keep the Sheriff company.
The literature.
See you later...
Why did you slam the clink on me
and keep me in stir? Is the honeymoon over?
Quiet. I'm doing this for your good.
How can I prove you ain't the bandit
if I'm locked up in there?
I got to be on the outside to do things.
If you break out, too, they'll figure you're
guilty for sure and swing you in the breeze.
Swinging gives me stomachache.
You ain't fooling.
Give me that literature.
A man's got to be plumb crazy
to put a woman like Flower Belle in jail.
She hasn't done anything wrong.
And as for that tenderfoot sheriff...
why, he couldn't keep his nose out of a bottle long enough to hold up a dog's tail,
much less a stagecoach....
Go ahead and hang him if you want
your fun. I got no love for him.
Boss, she's broke jail. She got clean away.
- No.
- What do you know about that?
Now, there's a woman after my own heart.
She even beat me to the draw.
She's in your office now.
Says she's got to see you right away.
She does? I won't keep her waiting none.
- What's up?
- You got to help. I can't stand by and see him hang for that outlaw.
What about this outlaw?
I heard you were friendly with him.
Just a midnight acquaintance.
I don't know who he is.
Are you in love with him?
What's the use of talking about that
when a man's life is at stake?
I want to talk about it.
I heard you've been seeing him
a long time, even before you came here.
They say he visits you in your room any time he feels like it.
You mean to tell me all this time
you don't know who he is?
I wish I did.
- Are you going to help? They'll hang him.
- Let him hang. What do you care?
You'll be free to marry the Bandit
or anyone you want.
That's got nothing to do with it.
I ain't married anyway.
What?
It was all a fake.
It was done by a gambler named
Amos Budge. He only looked like a preacher.
So that's it.
Amos Budge.
Now listen, Flower...
forget about this bandit.
- I'm crazy about you.
- There's no time for this now.
There's always time for this and you know it.
A man's kiss is like his signature...
his identification.
Unhand me, you bearded beaver!
You can't take the law into your own hands this way.
The man's entitled to a fair trial. Be reasonable.
I will write my assemblyman about this.
Men, you can't do this thing. Why, he hasn't
got a chance to defend himself.
Wait a minute. I agree with that gentleman.
What's this thing doing here?
It's ruining my necktie.
Who's going to pay for my laundry?
Have you anything to say?
Yes, this is going to be a great lesson to me.
You villain. I advise you to make your peace for the hereafter.
I'm not thinking of the hereafter. I'm thinking of the present.
- Have you any last wish?
- Yes, I'd like to see Paris before I die.
Philadelphia will do.
Vote for Cuthbert J. Twillie for Sheriff.
Don't move, any of you. You either, Carter.
You trigger-brains can see for yourself he ain't the man you want.
You wouldn't believe me when I told you.
You'd rather hang an innocent man
than take my word.
While you're talking, the man we want is getting away.
Don't let that worry you.
Open up them bags.
Look at that.
There's enough there to build a school, a church or anything else
this town needs to make it civilized.
That's what you've been hoping for, ain't it?
Now, if any of you want to take out after that bandit, go to it.
I want to thank you personally for what you've done.
Not only for righting a wrong, but for helping us build for the future.
Civilization's a great thing.
I'm sorry, Flower Belle.
That's all right, honey. You did your best.
So, you're not married, after all?
- No, I'm as single as the day I was born.
- Great.
Now I can ask you something
I've wanted to for a long time.
I can even ask you to be my...
Excuse me for interrupting, Carter.
I know what you were going to say,
but I'm afraid you're a little too late.
What do you mean?
Just a minute, boys.
You got me all confused.
- I like the both of you.
- But you can't marry both of us.
I know. That's the trouble.
You've got to give me
a little time to think it over.
How much time?
Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never.
But don't let that keep you from coming around.
Any time you got nothing to do
and lots of time to do it, come up.
You leaving, honey?
Yes. Goodbye, beauty.
I wanna give you back your wedding ring.
Guess I won't need it anymore.
Thanks. Maybe some other time.
- Yeah. I'll keep you on my wedding list.
- Thank you.
I have to hurry back East
to attend to some oil wells I have there.
- Oil wells?
- Yes, hair oil wells.
What a man.
If you get up around the Grampian Hills you must come up and see me sometime.
I'll do that, my little chickadee.
Drop those guns.
Everybody get out.
Do not try anything,
and nobody will get hurt.
He said to come out, Miss Flower Belle.
- Well, I got nothing he wants.
- I will be the judge of that.
Come out, or I will have to kill
all these nice people.
Don't mind being held up,
but I don't like the inconvenience.
The Masked Bandit.
He's just another man to me.
Bring down the gold box.
Come on, take what you want
and let's get out of here.
I will do that, my pretty one.
Put the gold in my saddlebags.
He kidnapped her.
Pile in, everybody. We've got to get to Little Bend
and form a posse.
He just swept Flower Belle on his horse
and away they went.
He got away with the gold shipment, too.
He did?
- There's Flower Belle's aunt and uncle.
- Let them through.
- Mr. Powell, I got bad news for you.
- What's that?
Your niece has been
kidnapped by the Masked Bandit.
Flower Belle kidnapped?
Yes, and I'm forming a posse right now
to hunt for him.
Come on, let's go!
It's going to be all right, honey.
She's back. Flower Belle's coming.
All by herself, too!
You sure, Zeb?
Sure. Come on.
Come on, boys.
Here she is.
I'm all right, I'm fine.
I'm so happy to see you. I was so worried.
I was in a tight spot,
but I managed to wiggle out of it.
You always do.
Come on in the house, baby.
Flower Belle's back
and I guess that's all there is to it.
Go home and rest easy.
Did he want to hold you for ransom?
How'd you escape?
Don't go asking her
a lot of questions tonight.
Flower Belle must be plumb tuckered out
after an experience like that.
If you don't mind,
I think I'll go up to my room.
Just one question, Flower Belle.
How did you manage to get back to town
all by yourself?
Them hills is a long ways off.
He brought me to the edge of town,
after it got good and dark.
Where'd he keep you all that time?
I see you got my things off the stagecoach.
Come up, Aunt Lou. I want to show you
the pictures I had took at Big Bluff.
Bring up the baggage, Zeb.
Sure thing.
Good night, and thanks for looking for me.
These are right pretty pictures of you,
Flower Belle.
I like them. They look just like me.
Gold. Did the bandit give it to you?
Yeah, I figured it's only fair
for the inconvenience I went through.
It's you.
I didn't expect you so soon.
I had to come.
I could not stay away.
The whole town's been looking for you.
Anyone see you?
No, my pretty one.
The Masked Bandit move
like the shadow of the night.
That is beautiful.
When am I going to see your face?
You must be patient with me.
When am I going to see what I'm kissing?
Some day you will see.
I will take off this mask and never put it on again.
I recognised his horse...
and then I saw their shadow on her window.
There they were, locked in each other's arms.
She and that bandit. And then he came out, mask and all,
and rode away.
- lf you ask me, she's shielding him.
- Well, nobody's asking you so close your gopher trap.
you old snapping turtle!
Silence. Young man, sit down and be quiet.
Are we to conclude that you deliberately
refuse to tell us the true facts in this case?
I said all I'm gonna say, and that's nothing.
It's the opinion of this court,
and the good, law-abiding citizens...
that you constitute
a menace to this community...
and we hereby order you to leave town.
And not to return till you can prove
that you're respectable and married.
All right, if that's how you feel,
the feeling is mutual.
I wash my hands of you, too.
Young lady, are you trying to show contempt
for this court?
No, I'm doing my best to hide it.
We've already sent word by pony express
to Greasewood City that Flower Belle is on her way.
The Ladies Vigilante Committee
will cooperate with you there.
Goodbye, honey.
Take care of yourself and be a good girl.
I'll be as good as I can, Uncle John.
- I've put your baggage on the train.
- All right.
All aboard!
How come you're going my way, Mr. Budge?
No luck in Little Bend?
As a matter of fact, I did quite well
up to a certain point.
I was unusually lucky at faro,
I cleaned the house at blackjack...
and I was just beginning to fix up
a nice thing at draw poker...
when someone asked to examine the deck.
Lucky you got away with your head.
Who's the human buzz saw?
I understand he's going to Greasewood City
to be sheriff.
Yes, it seems they have to import them.
Nobody in town wants the job.
Sounds like the place might be interesting.
Ugh.
Ugh?
What're you doing down there?
How do you do, sir?
Have you any private cars on this train?
A room and bath with exclusive bar?
No, only day coaches.
Drat. Allow me a half a tick...
to gather my portmanteau
and some valuable belongings.
Milton, my lad, meet me in Greasewood City.
Ugh.
Oh, dear. Did you break your umbrella?
You can't break it.
It's a genuine Chamberlain.
Straighten them out very easily.
Yeah, that's better.
May I present my card?
"Money loaned on clothing, furs, fur..."
- Just a moment. How did that get in there?
- Thank you.
Was that chap dragging you across
the prairie a full-blooded Indian?
Quite the antithesis. He's very anaemic.
What a pretty ring. Is it a cat's-eye?
Yes, it is a cat's-eye.
The pupil runs the wrong way. It's crossed.
Crossed with a bobcat.
Who is that vision of loveliness up there?
Pardon me, I'll be back. Keep the card.
Pardon me.
- Nice day.
- Is it?
Of course, it's only one man's opinion.
May I present my card?
"Novelties & Notions."
What kind of notions you got?
You'd be surprised.
Some are old. Some are new.
Whom have I the honour
of addressing, m'lady?
They call me Flower Belle.
Flower Belle. What a euphonious appellation.
Easy on the ears and a banquet for the eyes.
You're kind of cute yourself.
- Thank you. I never argue with a lady.
- Smart boy.
Thank you again. Do you ever play cards?
Don't mind if I do.
I'll show you a few card tricks.
We'll play the first one at two for nothing.
Then if you wish to make a wager, that's okay.
Indians!
You boys get away from here. Private car.
That's murder.
They can't get away with this.
They can't intimidate me.
Get them right in the canteen.
Here, take them. Reload.
Flower Belle, take my gun.
FLOWER: This is better
than a shooting gallery.
Fight going on in the other car.
Indians are attacking.
Here, that thing's no good.
Give me my slingshot.
Take this. Go in there and fight like men.
Come on, boys.
Come on, get in there.
What're you doing?
Here, get in there and fight like men.
- Look out. Get out of my way.
- What're you trying to do?
Out of my way, mademoiselle.
This is a man-sized job.
Backfired on me.
Must've got one of them.
Here. Flower Belle.
What are you doing with my hat on? Here.
There he goes in a shower of feathers.
Nice shooting.
I almost broke one of my fingernails.
That was swell shooting, Miss Lee.
Ah, a cadaver.
The curse of strong drink.
The Sheriff is dead. Long live the Sheriff.
I hope that wasn't whiskey
you were drinking.
No, dear, just a little sheep dip.
Panacea for all stomach ailments.
Godfrey Daniel.
Tell me, prairie flower...
can you give me the inside info...
on yon damsel with a hot house cognomen.
- You mean Miss Flower Belle Lee?
- I don't mean some woman out in China.
Well, I'm afraid I can't say anything good
about her.
I can see what's good. Tell me the rest.
On account of her carryings-on
in Little Bend, she was asked to leave town...
and she will not be permitted to return
until she is respectable and married.
Furthermore, I don't think
she'll be received in Greasewood City.
In fact, I don't think she'll be permitted
to step off the train.
I hope she don't get too violent. I haven't
strength enough to knock her down.
Well, goodbye.
The days of chivalry are not over.
Baby doll...
these weed benders have been running off
at the mouth to your detriment.
I ain't surprised. Bad news travels fast.
I understand you need a cicerone, a guide.
I need more than that, honey.
What symmetrical digits.
Soft as the fuzz on a baby's arm.
But quick on the trigger.
Yes. May I?
Help yourself.
Would you object if I avail myself
of a second helping?
Don't you think you're a little forward
on such short acquaintance?
You're compromising me.
May I present you with a little amulet...
that I received from Aga Khan...
when I was in the Himalayas?
It's just a little thing.
The Aga and I were very good friends.
What a pretty sentiment.
A lonesome heart. That's what I am.
It is not good for a man to be alone.
It's no fun for a woman, either.
Is it possible for us
to be lonesome together?
Quite possible.
I will be all things to you:
Father, mother, husband, counsellor, Jackanapes, bartender...
You're offering quite a bundle, honey.
My heart is a bargain today.
Will you take me?
I'll take you and how.
I am the happiest mortal alive.
Miss Flower Belle has consented to be my lawfully wedded wife.
How wonderful.
I'm so happy for you, my dear.
That makes everything all right, doesn't it?
You're redeemed.
Not yet. We've got to see a preacher first.
I beg your pardon, but I'm not...
Excuse me.
See, they think you're a preacher. You look
like one, now you've got to act like one.
Yes, but l...
I'm in a predicament. I'm depending on you.
You're my ace in the hole.
You got to do this for me.
Besides, he's got a bag full of money.
Well, of course,
this is rather unusual for me...
but under the circumstances, I'll deal.
I mean, I'll officiate.
We'll need a ring.
My dear, I will be your witness.
I think I have one here that will fit.
The fourth digit of the left hand.
Sorry I didn't have
a little goose grease with me.
Perfect.
Yes, I guess that'll do the trick.
Shall we commence?
Of course, you're both acquainted
with the rules of the game...
I mean, with the requirements of matrimony.
I got a pretty good idea.
Very well.
Now, do you, Flower Belle Lee...
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Allow me to congratulate you. And you, sir.
Thank you.
As is customary,
the groom will kiss the bride.
- Greasewood City.
- Congratulations. Hope you're very happy.
Greasewood. Have to get out.
- Congratulations, I'm a married man myself.
- You look it.
I'm so happy for you, my dear.
I know you'll be happy, dear.
I hope it ain't one of the guests.
- Like a cosy little nest.
- Don't start crowing too soon.
Crowing. Very good.
Two rooms, if you don't mind.
Pass. The bridal suite.
We're married, you know.
I'll take the suite. Give him the room.
Yes, ma'am.
But my dove. My little dove.
Come right up this way.
My little dove pie.
I'm not speaking to you.
My little sugar-coated wedding cake.
A couple of house dicks.
Thank you.
Evidently an Ethiopian in the fuel supply.
Seems to me I'm getting the old "heave-ho."
- Here's your room, sir.
- Leave it there. I'll find it.
Telegram for Mrs. Twillie.
Shove it under the door.
I'll take it down. Leave it in the office.
By the way, my ski shoes and hockey bats
will be on the next train. Along with a polo pony.
I understand the countryside
abounds here with wild game. flamingos, flying wombats, Indian civets.....
Egad, the child's afraid of me. She's all a-twit.
Come, my phlox, my flower.
I have some very definite pear-shaped ideas
that I'd like to discuss with thee.
Come, open.
You can't come in. Go away, I'm dressing.
I'm as gentle...
Gentle as a forest-bred lion.
And keep away from that keyhole.
It was the cat, dear. Listen, didn't you promise to love,
honour, and be obedient?
Don't be old-fashioned.
Be a good boy and run along.
Why don't you look the town over?
What an unselfish little rose petal
you are, to be sure.
Must be Big Chief's new tepee.
Milton, my brave.
Go upstairs and park your stoical presence outside the tepee of Mrs. Twillie.
Number 8.
I'll proceed to the local gin mill
and absorb a beaker of firewater.
Big Chief gottum new squaw?
"New" is right.
She hasn't been unwrapped yet.
It certainly pays to be a good woman.
Yes, Squawk. It's been 20 years ago,
come rapadance...
since you and I tended bar together
in The Old Buster House down on lower Broadway.
- Seems like yesterday.
- Yes, it does.
Squawk and I tended bar together,
20 years ago, down on lower...
My name's Twillie, Cuthbert J. Twillie.
One of the old Back Bay Twillies.
Thank you. I'm glad to know you, too.
Make yourself at home, Twillie.
If you still care to play cards,
there's always a game.
Naturally. There may be a game of flinchback there, too. I was very good at...
In the alcove there.
Thanks.
Well, I'll see you later
and we'll have another little conversation.
I'll raise it $100.
I'll make it $200.
Playing lone hand?
Up to now.
Would you like to engage in a little game of Cut?
The higher card wins?
- What stakes?
- Make it easy on yourself.
- $100, gold.
- I'll cover that.
I'm travelling a little light.
The country is fraught with marauders.
I'll give you my personal IOU.
A thing I seldom give to strangers.
That IOU better be good.
Worth its weight in gold.
King.
Don't show me the cards.
A gentleman's game.
I don't want to look at it.
Ace.
I didn't see it.
Very well, here you are, Nosy Parker.
Ace. I hope that satisfies
your morbid curiosity.
Shall we have another go at it?
Probably at some future date. Excuse me.
Open game, gentlemen?
Deal me in. Give me $100 worth of chips.
$100 worth.
$100.
That's my stack.
Well, from the little acorn
grew the mighty oak.
Beginner's luck, gentlemen.
Although I have devoted some time to the game.
Play cards.
Thank you.
During one of my treks
through Afghanistan...
we lost our corkscrew and were compelled
to live on food and water...
Will you play cards?
...for several days. Yes, thank you. Yeah.
Take care of things, Pete.
I'm going out.
All right, Mr. Carter.
Where?
One of those city-slickers?
Gentlemen, my good fortune
embarrasses me.
- How do you do, gentlemen?
- Take him inside and lump him up.
Unhand me, you parcel of rogues!
You know what the penalty
for cheating is here?
I'm a stranger in these parts
and unacquainted with the rules.
- Where can I purchase a book?
- You won't need a book.
The boys will teach you the rules
in pantomime. Get him out of here!
Unhand... I'm an American citizen.
Unhand me!
I'm a taxpayer.
I shall write the Times about this.
Call me a barrister!
- How do you do?
- How do you do? Who are you?
I'm Jeff Badger. I own this place.
Is there anything I can do for you?
Yeah, you can get out of my way.
Unhand me, you uncouth lolligans.
Stay out.
This is sabotage.
A crime against liberty.
Hello, dear. My dove...
What do you call this?
- What do you call this?
- I'll ask the questions. You find the answers.
- Two of his roughs tried to do me in.
- For what reason?
They accused me of chicanery.
- This is a surprise.
- It was a surprise to me.
It's hard to trust people these days.
Mistakes will happen.
And after seeing you,
I know I must be wrong about him.
- We'll let it go at that.
- That's fine.
Let me show you there's no hard feelings
and extend my hospitality.
The drinks are on the house. Mulligan.
Let Mr. Twillie have anything he wants.
Pardon me for a second.
Give me that bottle.
- Will you join me at the table?
- I don't mind if I do.
I see. A gentleman.
- I've been called other things, too.
- Who hasn't?
This reminds me
of the White Palace in Chicago...
only this ain't white.
- You're from Chicago?
- Yeah, every bit of me.
Spend much time around the White Palace?
Yeah, I worked there.
Singing and entertaining.
- A regular turn.
- Is that so?
Maybe you'll sing for me sometime.
Thanks, I don't need a job.
No, I mean, just as a special favour to me.
Yeah, I'll sing for you. Sometime.
Anytime.
I reached down into my boots...
and I drew two more six shooters. Bang!
How'd you shoot three guns at once?
I had one in my teeth.
Three Indians bit the dust.
The slaughter I wreaked
upon the poor savages was devastating.
I run this town and everything I say goes.
So if anybody tries to make
any trouble for you...
you can count on me to protect you.
Funny. Every man I meet
wants to protect me.
I can't figure out what from.
This is a pretty wild country.
Boss, this guy Twillie is gunpowder.
He was on that train today
that was raided by Injuns.
According to him,
he beat them all single-handed.
What do you know about that?
- Say, he must be pretty good.
- It's news to me.
You know, I'm kind of sorry I accused a man
of his fighting spirit of cheating.
Now, the best way to blot out the stain
on his reputation is to honour him.
How do you mean?
I'm going to make him Sheriff of Greasewood City.
We need a sheriff,
and he's just the man we've been looking for.
- For something else, but not for sheriff.
- It's all settled.
It was the Comanches, Chippewas, and the old Sepulveda Indians.
It gives me great pleasure
to make a brave man like yourself Sheriff of Greasewood City.
Gentlemen, you overwhelm me.
Here, take this badge
and pin it over my heart.
Well, Sheriff, congratulations.
I thank... Thank you. Be careful of that trigger finger.
This is ridiculous.
You can't make this man sheriff.
He's not fit for the job.
What have we here?
I'm running this town, Carter.
I've told you to keep out of my business
if you want to go on peddling your papers.
If I want a sheriff, I'm going to have one.
Who is this muckraker?
There's one consolation, Badger.
He won't be sheriff very long.
- What do you mean by that?
- You ought to know what I mean. None of them last very long.
If this lady knows what's good for her,
she and her husband will stay out of here.
- What's the argument?
- I never argue with a lady.
Play it safe, huh?
- Who is this high-collar, anyway?
- He just runs the newspaper here.
And he's got some idea
about what he calls law and order.
I'd like to give the scamp a sound trouncing.
Just trounce yourself out of here.
Come on, we're going home.
Your pleasure is my pleasure, my peach.
Come back soon. Make the place your own.
That's an idea.
Thank you. We will.
Boys, she's gonna make a very pretty widow.
Git along, Christmas.
We got to find cousin Flower Belle.
Zeb?
Hi, Mrs. Gideon.
I'm looking for Flower Belle.
Well, you'll find her at the hotel.
She's married.
Married?
- Her name is Mrs. Twillie now.
- Twillie? You don't say.
Come on, Christmas. Look out, New Year.
Bet you a lei of beads.
No gottum lei.
What you got?
Five beads.
Five beads. I'll see them.
One, two, three, four, five. There you are.
What do you got?
Three squaws.
Three squaws? No good. Three chiefs.
Big Chief always win.
What are you up to now, you red rascal?
That'll teach you a lesson.
Teach you the bottle is mightier
than the quiver.
- Big Chief catch trouble.
- Big Chief can catch no trouble...
only from revenue agents for splitting
a bottle of whiskey with an Indian.
Are you cousin Sheriff Twillie?
I'm a sheriff, but I haven't any relatives
west of Canarsie.
I'm Flower Belle's cousin, Zeb.
You are?
Well, if you ever see your cousin tell her her husband would like to quaff
a dish of tea with her sometime.
I don't think you and cousin Flower Belle
are getting along the right way.
- Is there a right way?
- Well, sure there is.
Flower Belle likes her men strong, daring,
what live life dangerously.
My boy, being Sheriff of this town
is pretty dangerous.
The people here don't know the difference
between the Sheriff and a clay pigeon.
Gosh, you mean your life
ain't worth two cents?
Two cents?
Have you any of the elusive spondulicks on you?
You mean money?
That is correct.
You go back to the reservation and milk your elk.
Give this gentleman a seat. Sit down, Cousin.
Certainly good to see relatives far away from home.
Put the elusive right on the table there.
- You mean all of it?
- Every cent of it, yes.
Say, that's pretty good.
Is this a game of chance?
Not the way I play it, no.
You're beautiful.
I wonder what kind of a woman
you really are.
Too bad, but I can't give out samples.
Ladies and gentlemen...
I'm not going to make a speech.
In fact, we're not going to have any speeches tonight.
We're just gonna have a good time and enjoy ourselves.
But I feel that it is my duty and privilege...
to take this opportunity of welcoming a man to our community....
A man whose courage and daring has only recently been so well demonstrated....
Ladies and gentlemen further words are useless.
I'm referring to none other
than Cuthbert J. Twillie, our new sheriff.
A little cramped.
Why don't you let me
get you a shotgun divorce?
No, I'm saving it for a rainy day.
I know, but you should be thinking of your future.
- I ain't thinking of my past.
This is the stringiest vermicelli soup
I ever ate in my life.
It's all over the place. Light, though.
- Don't forget you promised to sing for me.
- I always keep my promise.
Ladies and gentlemen...
I have a surprise for you.
Our charming guest
is gonna honour us with a song.
...that's the value of irrigation.
The agitated campaign...
- Something I can do for you?
- I don't know yet.
- I see you print things here.
- Yes. Everything but money.
I know some people ain't so particular.
Tell me, what is your objections
to the new sheriff?
If you wanted to get rid of your husband I could think of no better way than
having him made Sheriff of Greasewood.
Are you insinuating I got an ulterior motive?
- No, Mrs...
- Call me Flower Belle. But what about getting rid of the Sheriff?
Let me tell you what we're up against.
What are we up against?
There have been five sheriffs
in the last six months.
Good hunting.
That's just about what it amounts to,
and each of them died an unnatural death.
- Killed.
- Who done it?
There's no definite proof,
but we suspect Badger and his men.
You mean Badger's a killer?
All I know is that Badger's the kind
of a man that will stop at nothing to further his own ends.
He will, huh? Glad you told me.
Tell me more.
Why, there's no such thing
as law and order in this town.
Decent citizens live in fear of their lives.
That ain't right.
There should be a law against it.
And another thing.
I've been trying for a long time
to raise funds so that we could have a little...
schoolhouse.
So that the youngsters could have
some civilizing influence.
You mean the kids of this town
don't get any book learning?
One of the ladies in the town teaches a class
in a little shack that we fixed up...
but she's not a regular teacher
and she doesn't handle them very well.
They're bad boys and they get pretty unruly.
So was I,
when I went to school back in Chicago.
But I guess I grew out of it. Or did I?
All I hope is that someday we can build this
into a fine a city that a person would be proud to live in.
I see what you mean.
You're a man with ideals.
I guess I better be going while you've still got them.
- Miss Flower Belle?
- Yes?
I wondered if you would care
to visit our little school with me tomorrow.
Coming from a big city like Chicago,
you might be able to offer us...
some suggestions, you know,
for improvements.
It's kind of against my principles,
but I will go with you.
Thanks. Can I see you to the hotel?
Just to the front door.
The Sheriff is very jealous.
Love and locksmiths.
- What are you trying to do?
- I'm Sheriff, my rhododendron.
Just warming up
for a bit of innocent sleuthing.
- lf you're so curious, come on in.
- Thank you, dear.
Certainly, the days of chivalry are not over.
I have been worried about you, my little peach fuzz.
Have you been loitering somewhere?
- I've been learning things.
- Unnecessary.
You are the epitome of erudition.
A double superlative.
Can you handle it?
Yeah, and I can kick it around, too.
There is something sweet
and dainty about a lady's boudoir.
How do you know?
Come on, answer the question.
Why, the latest etiquette books
are just full of such knowledge.
For a second I thought
I heard the voice of experience.
De la bath.
Pussycat fur.
Luxury!
This is quite an extravaganza, dear.
Well, what...
Alcohol.
Very good brand, too. Imported?
What won't they get up to next?
What's this? New invention.
Why do you have to milk it?
My plum, a lovely bath tub.
I understand it's the only private bath
in town. I'd hate to take one in public.
My dove, with your permission I shall dunk my pink and white body
in yonder Roman tub.
I feel a bit gritty after the affairs of the day.
Go right ahead, honey. Help yourself.
My dove, no man was ever happier.
Yum, yum.
It is with regret that I part from you
even to bathe.
Don't forget to take off your gloves.
- Thanks for your introspection, dear.
- Don't mention it.
For the nonce, adieu and au revoir.
TWILLIE: Man overboard!
This reminds me of the old swimming hole when I was a nipper.
That's where I got malaria.
What a foul summer that was.
It was the year the Jones boys murdered their mother.
Dear old lady. I can see her now, carrying the laundry home on her head.
My darling flower!
What is it, baby?
Baby. She calls me "baby."
I was just thinking how homey this all is.
Yeah, it's a nice thought.
What's your name?
Friend in need.
What did you say, my sweet?
Just agreeing with you, honey.
Drat.
Dear, I forgot to take the gloves off after all.
Just keep your mouth closed and let him do all the talking.
Pardon my redundancy, dear.
I shall join you in half a tick.
If you do this right, I'll get you one of his old straw hats.
I have been thoughtlessly cruel in absenting myself from you so long.
That's all right, honey.
I got a real surprise for you.
I'll bet you have at that, my dear.
There's a flower in the garden
for you young man so pluck it if you can.
Here I come, dear. Ready or not.
I feel rather parky, dear, in this diaphanous ubeitsehr.
Don't recoil from me, my sweet.
Are you sleeping in your caracal coat?
You better take it off, dear. You won't feel
the good of it when you go out.
It smells as though you haven't taken it
to the cleaners lately.
You reek of old tin cans.
I beg your pardon, dear?
Mama.
The sweet little dear is calling for her mama.
What sublime innocence.
Kiss me goodnight
Godfrey Daniel!
Beelzebub. I've been hoodwinked.
Shadrach and Abednego. The mystery of the fur coat.
And I wanted to kiss you.
You didn't waste time finding out where I was.
I got run out of Little Bend on account of you.
Yes, I know.
I also know you got married. Why you do this to me?
Don't mean anything, honey. It's just for convenience. I got to be respectable.
I can explain it to you sometime.
But he's your husband.
Don't worry. He will never cross my threshold.
- You can trust me.
- Can I trust him?
Forget it.
You're the one man in my life right now.
I will be the one man in your life
if I have to kill everyone else.
Save your lead, honey.
You got no competition.
My love.
That is beautiful.
You see, I ain't changed, have I?
You are more lovely than ever.
Last time you promised
to take off your mask this time.
You are the Sheriff's wife now.
It would be very embarrassing for you to know who I am.
I've never been embarrassed in my life.
A little gift.
I go, my sweetest one.
Adios, my fastest one.
That's fine.
Let's have just one more with the landlord
and then let him close up for the night.
What a conk.
The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
I think I'll write a book.
The Art of Arising the Morning After.
My kidneys. My pellagra.
Get me out of here, you red-skinned aborigine.
What do you think you are, you red rascal?
A Navajo rug or a hassock?
Chief no feel good?
I feel as though a midget with muddy feet
had been walking over my tongue all night.
Cease.
Cease. Quiet.
You're under arrest for disturbing the peace.
- Sheriff. It's written on the badge.
- Wait a minute, Sheriff.
The stage was held up last night and robbed
of considerable gold by the Masked Bandit.
How unfortunate. But he will have to split it.
We figured you'd want to form a posse
and search for him before his trail gets cold.
Posse by all means.
Thank you, Sheriff.
Big posse.
One of the biggest posse... Milton.
My habiliment. Duty calls.
Never mind. It can call later.
Sleep, the most beautiful experience in life...
except drink.
Boss, Carter's got the Sheriff's wife in his rig. They are just going by.
I suppose you're going to print about the
Masked Bandit holding up the stagecoach.
I wish I could print that we'd caught him.
- Everybody's after him, huh?
- Why not? After all, he's an outlaw.
Maybe he ain't so bad underneath.
People do a lot of things for different reasons.
He's pretty bad medicine. If I were you,
I wouldn't go out alone at night.
I can take care of myself.
Ain't met the man yet I was scared of.
How do you mean that?
You are very attractive, you know.
"Captivating" is the word, I think.
That's what you think.
Yes, and I think you could turn
a man's head very easily...
if he wasn't careful.
There's no fun in being too careful.
Aren't you forgetting that you are married?
I am doing my best.
I wish we'd met long before this.
You've met me now. I ain't complaining.
I know, but things might have been different.
How different?
I shouldn't be saying all this, I guess.
Maybe it's because it's spring,
and spring is the time for love.
What's the matter with the rest of the year?
I have no right to tell you anything,
but I will say this.
I don't like to see a girl like you
go in to Badger's.
It's a sordid place and full of temptations.
I generally avoid temptation
unless I can't resist it.
Pardon me. Okay. Thanks a lot.
Just taking Squawk Mulligan's place
for a couple of hours.
Just gone down to the tonsorial parlours
to get a haircut and shave.
Excuse me.
Soft pedal on that whistling, little lady.
It's bad luck. What's your pleasure?
Pour a whiskey, straight.
Go and take a seat at one of those tables.
I can't serve you here.
Listen, has that big stiff been in here today?
- I don't know who you are talking about.
- My husband.
- I don't know.
- I don't care.
I says to my husband this morning:
"The trouble with you
is I'm too good for you."
How do you like that?
He didn't have an answer.
You're too quick-witted for him.
You're good at repartee.
Will you go over there
and sit down at one of the tables?
Straight whiskey.
Thank you.
Squawk Mulligan tells me
you buried your wife several years ago.
Yes, I had to. She died.
You know what else I says to him?
I will be candid with you. I do not know.
Straight.
Straight whiskey, thank you.
I says there ain't a man...
You're full of helium.
You better not take off your shoes.
You'll go straight up in the air. Now, listen...
go over there and sit down at one of those tables.
The best man that ever breathed ain't good
enough for the worst woman in the world.
Now listen, you pygmy.
Go over and sit down at one of those tables or I'll take you out of here
and throw you on your head.
You and who else?
Me and Squawk Mulligan.
Okay.
You big tomboy.
Can you beat that?
Kinda tough.
Tough, nothing.
If I was in condition, and I had Squawk
with me, I could lick two of them.
Give me a shot of that panther.
Yeah.
I am tending bar one time down
the Lower East Side of New York.
A tough paloma comes in there
by the name of Chicago Molly.
I cautioned her,
"None of your peccadilloes in here."
There was some hot lunch
on the bar comprising of succotash...
Philadelphia cream cheese...
and asparagus with mayonnaise.
She dips her mitt down in to this melange...
I'm yawning at the time,
and she hits me right in the mug with it.
I jumps over the bar and knocks her down.
Where's the funnel?
I don't know. It's up along there somewhere.
You were there the night I knocked
Chicago Molly down, weren't you?
You knocked her down?
I was the one that knocked her down.
Yeah, that's right. He knocked her down.
But I was the one to start kicking her.
- Here's the funnel.
- Okay.
I starts kicking her in the midriff.
Did you ever kick a woman
in the midriff that had a pair of corsets on?
No, I just can't recall
any such incident right now.
Why, I almost broke my great toe.
I never had such a painful experience.
Did she ever come back again?
I'll say she came back. She came back
a week later and beat the both of us up.
Yeah, but she had another woman with her.
An elderly lady with grey hair.
I had those two tough guys beat her up.
Sheriff, come out from behind that bar.
You're not wanted here.
You're crazy. I'm wanted for
in nearly every state in the Union.
Come on.
We must all act together if we are ever to rid
this town of Badger or any other lawbreaker.
Something's got to be done about this masked outlaw.
Unless we can catch him red-handed or can someway learn his identity,
there's not much we can do.
I know someone who can identify
the Masked Bandit.
Explain yourself, Mrs. Gideon.
- I don't wish to injure anyone's reputation.
- I'm sure you don't.
But Flower Belle, the Sheriff's wife,
has an intimate acquaintance with him.
- What's that?
- Yes.
She was asked to leave Little Bend
on account of him.
Of course, she claims
she never saw his face, but...
That's possible.
But it is known he visited her
in her own room.
So everybody in Little Bend believes that... Well, you know.
What else can everyone believe?...
I'm inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt.
However, I will agree to keep an accurate check on her activities.
Another thing. Your name was brought up at
the Vigilante Committee meeting last night
in connection with the masked outlaw
who's been robbing the stages.
In what connection?
A person said that you've been well
acquainted with him for some time and that you actually know who he is....
I don't know who he is. I wish I did.
Nobody believes me. I hope you do.
- I was just beginning to like you.
- I believe you.
Mr. Carter?
What is it, Lem?
- Miss Foster's fainted again.
- Who's Miss Foster?
She's the lady that's teaching school.
Come on. Let's see what we can do for her.
What's this, Miss Foster? Aren't you taking
the job a little too seriously?
I guess it upsets me too much,
when the boys get unruly.
Wet a towel and put it on her head.
Go back to your books, boys.
Don't let them get you upset.
It's your nerves, you need a rest.
You hear that? It gives you an example
of what she's got to put up with.
- I better go dismiss the class for the day.
- No, that's what they're hoping you'll do.
I'll take over the class.
I'll show you how to handle them.
But I wouldn't think of imposing.
I'll give them learning they never got before.
Boys! Quiet!
This is Miss Flower Belle. She'll teach you
your lessons for the rest of the day.
Boys, stand up.
Sit down.
Very good.
That's your first lesson in discipline.
I demand obedience.
Boys, education's a great thing.
I don't know what I'd do without mine.
Knowledge ain't so easy to get.
You got to work hard and study.
I'm still studying.
Of course, I don't study the same things
you do, but it's a good idea.
Now, history. A very fascinating study.
In fact, it's my favourite reading.
What's your name?
Lem.
Lem, tell me,
what do you know about Cleopatra?
Gosh, teacher, I ain't seen her.
Of course, you ain't.
She's a historical character. She lived way back in the early times.
What a time she had.
She used to fool around with snakes.
You mean, rattlesnakes?
These snakes didn't rattle, they crooned.
She was the Queen of Egypt.
I seen Little Egypt once.
They ain't related. Sit down.
By the way, what are you doing here, Pop?
Never had time to learn reading
and writing up to now.
Carried a musket in '61.
Fought in Chickamauga and Bull Run, I did.
You did? That's fine.
Any questions?
We was doing arithmetic on the blackboard
when Miss Foster took sick.
Arithmetic?
I was always pretty good at figures myself.
That will be enough of that.
Now this example is what is known as addition,
or putting two and two together.
Why, teacher?
You said "Why?"
Yes, teacher.
That's what I thought you said,
and that's a very good question, too.
Addition is when you take one thing
and add it to another and you get two.
Two and two is four and five will get you 10,
if you know how to work it.
Anyway, it all adds up in the end...
and that, my dear young man, is addition.
What's subtraction, teacher?
Subtraction.
That's very simple.
For instance, a man has $100
and you leave him with $2.
Boy, that's subtraction.
I'm only gonna do this once,
so everybody pay attention.
Eight and seven are 16 and nine are...
31, down one.
- That ain't right, teacher.
- What's wrong with it?
Eight and seven are 15
and nine are 24. Not 31.
I was just trying to trap you. Smart boy.
You will go to the head of the class.
In fact, step right up here and finish it.
"I am a good boy. I am a good man. I am a good girl."
What is this? Propaganda?
I wonder what would happen
if you moved that one over there.
I see. It's just an experiment, that's all.
- May I come in?
- You are in.
I thought you might enjoy
one of my pies, Sheriff.
- This is the one I baked especially for you.
- Thank you.
- Is this the raspberry?
- No, it's the gooseberry.
I was used to getting the raspberry.
I was beginning to enjoy it.
A little tart.
I won't keep you from your work, Sheriff...
but sometime when your duties permit,
I'd enjoy having you to tea.
Tea, yes, fine, I'd like that.
- Shall we say sometime soon?
- Let us say sometime.
Accompany the lady to her home.
Sheriff. I don't need protection.
That's what you think.
Accompany the lady to her home.
Ugh.
Thank you.
- Goodbye, Sheriff.
- Goodbye. Don't forget, tea. I make wonderful crumpets, too.
Tea and crumpets. Tea and crumpets, what a combination.
Get my bottle out of that lower drawer, will you?
Say, Mrs. Gideon, she kinda likes you, don't she?
I intrigue all the ladies but Mrs. Twillie.
I understand the Masked Bandit can get
an audience with her anytime he wishes.
Yeah, I guess so.
But cousin Flower Belle
never knows when he's gonna show up.
- He sort of surprises her.
- He surprises her? That gives me an idea.
- I guess I'll go out and eat. So long.
- All right, so long.
Gives me an excellent idea. He surprises her?
I know where I can pick up the very thing.
Must be my two-gun Romeo.
I wasn't expecting you tonight, honey.
Wait a minute, honey. Let me get my breath.
What have you been drinking, embalming fluid?
What do you call this?
It's you, is it?
Chiquita.
What do you think this is gonna get you?
No jockey was ever ruled off for trying, chiquita.
What kind of a jockey?
I used to be a reindeer jockey.
Yeah? Well, don't think
you're gonna win this by a nose.
My rose petal, just one little snuggle.
You cheat.
If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
Just one little osculation.
You got one under false pretences.
Then give me one that's on the up.
My love, you incinerate me.
Your walk, your talk...
the way you wave your little pinky.
Your line ain't low enough to trip me.
I climbed the ladder of love to reach for the star.
Reach for the air.
I'm in no mood for astronomy.
What did you put this thing on for?
I have it on good authority a mask is the open sesame to your boudoir.
The child's afraid of me. She's all a-twit.
Didn't you promise to love, honour and be obedient?
I'm all wound up, my pink.
Why don't you go?
I am a heartbroken hombre.
You will be a heartbroken um-bay
if you don't get out of here.
Chiquita.
Masked Bandit!
What's the matter? What happened?
Masked Bandit. Went that way.
Joe, stay here and take care of her.
Come with me to the Sheriff. We've got to report this.
The rest of you, round up the vigilantes.
Wait.
Come on. We've been on the wrong trail.
Get him, boys.
Wait a minute, unhand me. I'm the police.
You're also the Masked Bandit. All the time
we thought you were a weakling.
This is a case of mistaken identity.
We'll see about that. Take him to the hotel.
You're all under arrest. Corpus delicti!
Wait a minute, boys.
Don't be in such a hurry with that rope.
Easy on the proboscis.
Explain it as I would, buttercakes.
- You've got the wrong man.
- You claim you never saw the bandit's face.
How do you know he's not the man?
- After all, he was found with this mask.
- Anyone could have a mask.
I just returned from a masquerade.
I impersonated the Ubangi.
Ridiculous. He just returned from stepping on my face.
They're both lying. She's as bad as he is.
She works hand in glove with him.
Come on, put her in jail and lock her up.
Wait a minute, ladies. I hardly think
it's necessary to lock her up...
if she gives us her word
that she won't leave town.
Leave town?
Are you gonna let her hoodwink you
the way she did in Little Bend?
No!
Lock her up.
- Doing your homework?
- Yup.
Need any help?
Whiskers were always my weakness.
I was just thinking, you look
a lot like President Grant around the edges.
You don't mean that, do you?
You know, I got to admit your whiskers attract me.
Gosh, you are the first pretty woman
what ever took a hankering to me.
You make me feel right pert.
A rendezvous with a goat.
Looks like the late Earl of Muffington.
Honey, I could stand a drink of water.
Go get me one.
Sure will.
That's a good boy.
Now, for being so nice, you can part
the sagebrush and give me a kiss.
Gosh.
Open that door and let me out of here.
Hurry up or I'll blow your ears off.
I've been slickered.
Get in there and keep the Sheriff company.
The literature.
See you later...
Why did you slam the clink on me
and keep me in stir? Is the honeymoon over?
Quiet. I'm doing this for your good.
How can I prove you ain't the bandit
if I'm locked up in there?
I got to be on the outside to do things.
If you break out, too, they'll figure you're
guilty for sure and swing you in the breeze.
Swinging gives me stomachache.
You ain't fooling.
Give me that literature.
A man's got to be plumb crazy
to put a woman like Flower Belle in jail.
She hasn't done anything wrong.
And as for that tenderfoot sheriff...
why, he couldn't keep his nose out of a bottle long enough to hold up a dog's tail,
much less a stagecoach....
Go ahead and hang him if you want
your fun. I got no love for him.
Boss, she's broke jail. She got clean away.
- No.
- What do you know about that?
Now, there's a woman after my own heart.
She even beat me to the draw.
She's in your office now.
Says she's got to see you right away.
She does? I won't keep her waiting none.
- What's up?
- You got to help. I can't stand by and see him hang for that outlaw.
What about this outlaw?
I heard you were friendly with him.
Just a midnight acquaintance.
I don't know who he is.
Are you in love with him?
What's the use of talking about that
when a man's life is at stake?
I want to talk about it.
I heard you've been seeing him
a long time, even before you came here.
They say he visits you in your room any time he feels like it.
You mean to tell me all this time
you don't know who he is?
I wish I did.
- Are you going to help? They'll hang him.
- Let him hang. What do you care?
You'll be free to marry the Bandit
or anyone you want.
That's got nothing to do with it.
I ain't married anyway.
What?
It was all a fake.
It was done by a gambler named
Amos Budge. He only looked like a preacher.
So that's it.
Amos Budge.
Now listen, Flower...
forget about this bandit.
- I'm crazy about you.
- There's no time for this now.
There's always time for this and you know it.
A man's kiss is like his signature...
his identification.
Unhand me, you bearded beaver!
You can't take the law into your own hands this way.
The man's entitled to a fair trial. Be reasonable.
I will write my assemblyman about this.
Men, you can't do this thing. Why, he hasn't
got a chance to defend himself.
Wait a minute. I agree with that gentleman.
What's this thing doing here?
It's ruining my necktie.
Who's going to pay for my laundry?
Have you anything to say?
Yes, this is going to be a great lesson to me.
You villain. I advise you to make your peace for the hereafter.
I'm not thinking of the hereafter. I'm thinking of the present.
- Have you any last wish?
- Yes, I'd like to see Paris before I die.
Philadelphia will do.
Vote for Cuthbert J. Twillie for Sheriff.
Don't move, any of you. You either, Carter.
You trigger-brains can see for yourself he ain't the man you want.
You wouldn't believe me when I told you.
You'd rather hang an innocent man
than take my word.
While you're talking, the man we want is getting away.
Don't let that worry you.
Open up them bags.
Look at that.
There's enough there to build a school, a church or anything else
this town needs to make it civilized.
That's what you've been hoping for, ain't it?
Now, if any of you want to take out after that bandit, go to it.
I want to thank you personally for what you've done.
Not only for righting a wrong, but for helping us build for the future.
Civilization's a great thing.
I'm sorry, Flower Belle.
That's all right, honey. You did your best.
So, you're not married, after all?
- No, I'm as single as the day I was born.
- Great.
Now I can ask you something
I've wanted to for a long time.
I can even ask you to be my...
Excuse me for interrupting, Carter.
I know what you were going to say,
but I'm afraid you're a little too late.
What do you mean?
Just a minute, boys.
You got me all confused.
- I like the both of you.
- But you can't marry both of us.
I know. That's the trouble.
You've got to give me
a little time to think it over.
How much time?
Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never.
But don't let that keep you from coming around.
Any time you got nothing to do
and lots of time to do it, come up.
You leaving, honey?
Yes. Goodbye, beauty.
I wanna give you back your wedding ring.
Guess I won't need it anymore.
Thanks. Maybe some other time.
- Yeah. I'll keep you on my wedding list.
- Thank you.
I have to hurry back East
to attend to some oil wells I have there.
- Oil wells?
- Yes, hair oil wells.
What a man.
If you get up around the Grampian Hills you must come up and see me sometime.
I'll do that, my little chickadee.