National Lampoon's Animal House (1978) Movie Script
FABER COLLEGE - 1962
Take off that beanie.
- We're meant to wear them to homecoming.
- Don't be a fruit, okay?
Okay.
Doug Neidermeyer,
Omega membership chairman.
Larry Kroger.
This is my roommate, Kent Dorfman.
Hi there. Doug Neidermeyer.
These are our name-tag hostesses,
Mandy Pepperidge and Babs Jansen.
Hi there, Kent. Hi, Larry.
- Welcome to Omega house.
- Thank you.
- Nice to...
- Why don't we go meet some of the guys?
A wimp and a blimp.
There are many great guys here,
so don't feel you have to meet everyone.
We just want you to enjoy yourselves
while you're here.
Omega house has more
activities...
than most campus fraternities,
is far superior...
- Mandy.
- Hi.
Right there.
Hi there, fellows. Meet Ken and Lonny.
Larry.
Ken, Lonny, I'd like you to meet...
Mohammet...
Jugdish, Sidney and Clayton.
Grab a seat and make yourselves at home.
Don't be shy about helping yourselves
to punch and cookies.
I'm not going to say Omega's
the best house on campus...
but a lot of outstanding guys figure
they'll pledge Omega or won't pledge at all.
We do have more than our share
of campus leaders...
something that never looks bad
on your permanent record.
Sure. Everybody says
Omega's the best, but...
I hate to seem...
you know, pushy.
Let the unacceptable candidates worry,
because after tonight, they're...
...you are... Kent!
I'm Greg Marmalard,
president of Omega House.
Meet my friends, Mandy Pepperidge...
We already met.
And Chip Diller.
How are you?
How are you?
Over there is Terry Auerback,
captain of the swim team.
That's Carl Phillips,
editor of the Daily Faberian.
And...
Clayton.
Sidney.
Jugdish, Mohammet, Lonny...
- We already met.
- Super!
Then you'll have lots to talk about.
- I don't think you're trying very hard.
- I hate this.
No sweat. My brother Fred was a Delta.
That makes me a legacy.
They have to take me. It's their law.
Don't worry. I'll put in a good word for you.
Great. I heard Delta's
the worst house on campus.
Excuse me, sir. Is this the Delta house?
Sure.
Come on in.
Grab a brew.
Don't cost nothing.
See you later.
And bump you $20.
Hi, guys.
You guys playing cards?
You want another beer?
Hi.
- You want a beer, Larry?
- Sure.
Nice fish.
- I'm Robert Hoover, chapter president.
- Hi, Robert.
Have you seen Boon?
He disappeared when we got here.
He's probably upstairs talking to Otter.
No doubt.
They're well-known homosexuals.
Have another beer. She's just kidding.
Right, Bluto?
You going out tonight, Otter?
Norma?
No. Let me give you a hint.
She's got a couple of major-league yabos.
Beverly!
No.
But you're getting warmer.
Let me give you another hint.
Does this ring a bell?
- "Oh, God. Oh, God!"
- Marlene.
You're going to pork Marlene Desmond?
- Pork?
- You're gonna hump her brains out.
I anticipate a deeply religious experience.
Why the interest in my social life?
Where's Katy?
Downstairs, pissed off about something.
She thinks you're an immature jerk?
Yeah.
I don't take anything seriously.
She'll take this seriously.
Try it.
- You guys coming down?
- This thing talk?
There are 50 people
trying to get into this fraternity.
Otter, you are the rush chairman.
You should be present at the rush party.
Hi. My name is Kent Dorfman.
Eric Stratton, rush chairman.
Damn glad to meet you.
D- Day!
Eric Stratton, rush chairman.
Damn glad to meet you.
That was Eric Stratton.
He was damn glad to meet you.
Larry, I see you've met D-Day.
You're having a nice time. That's good.
Eric Stratton. Damn glad to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice tie!
Is that a clip-on?
Boon, come check this out.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Ninety percent rayon! Very nice.
Hi, boys. Having a good time, I hope?
Excuse me.
- Did your mother buy that?
- Yes.
Kent is a legacy, Otter.
His brother was a '59. Fred Dorfman.
He said legacies
get asked to pledge automatically.
Usually, unless the pledge in question
is a real closet case, like Fred.
- My brother.
- Kent, come over here.
- I liked the tie.
- Great tie.
Katy.
Eric Stratton, rush chairman.
Damn glad to meet you.
Katy!
- Where are you going?
- Home.
- We just got here!
- No, you just got here.
I've been downstairs entertaining some kid
from Pig's Knuckle, Arkansas.
Maybe we could drive
to your folks' place this weekend.
Fabulous.
My car filled with your beer buddies going
up to empty my parents' liquor cabinet?
It's too depressing to think about.
Just you and me, and Otter and another girl.
Is this what you're going to do
for the rest of your life?
What do you mean?
Hanging around with animals,
getting drunk every weekend?
No.
After I graduate...
I'm going to get drunk every night.
I think I'm in love with a retard.
Is he bigger than me?
Greg...
what is the worst fraternity on this campus?
That would be hard to say, sir.
They're each outstanding in their own way...
Cut the horseshit, son.
I've got their disciplinary files here.
Who dumped a whole truckload of fizzies
into the swim meet?
Who delivered the medical-school cadavers
to the alumni dinner?
Every Halloween,
the trees are filled with underwear.
Every spring, the toilets explode.
You're talking about Delta, sir.
Of course I'm talking about Delta,
you twerp!
This year, it's gonna be different.
This year we'll grab the bull by the balls...
and kick those punks off campus!
What do you intend to do, sir?
Delta's already on probation.
They are?
Yes, sir.
Oh...
Then as of now,
they're on double secret probation!
Double secret probation, sir?
There is a little-known codicil
in the Faber College Constitution...
which gives the Dean
unlimited power to preserve order...
in time of campus emergency.
Find me a way to revoke Delta's charter.
You live next door.
Put Neidermeyer on it.
He's a sneaky little shit just like you, right?
The time has come for someone
to put his foot down.
And that foot is me.
Larry Kroger. All in favour.
We need the dues.
Good. Larry Kroger is now a pledge
to Delta. Next slide, please.
Just a minute! Just settle down!
This is Kent Dorfman.
He's a legacy from Harrisburg.
Now wait a minute!
Okay, this guy is a real zero. That's true.
Think back to when you were freshmen.
Boon, you had a face
like a pepperoni pizza, right?
And Stork here. Everybody thought
that Stork was brain damaged.
I myself was so obnoxious...
the seniors beat me up once a week.
So this guy is a total loser?
Let me tell you the story of another loser.
Get up!
Let's go! On your feet!
"I..." State your name.
I... state your name.
"...do hereby pledge allegiance to the frat."
...do hereby pledge allegiance to the frat.
"With liberty and fraternity for all."
Amen.
Sergeant at Arms...
do your duty.
From now on,
your Delta Tau Chi name is Weasel.
From now on your name is Mothball.
Kroger, your Delta Tau Chi name is Pinto.
- Why Pinto?
- Why not?
What's my Delta Tau Chi name?
Dorfman, I've given this a lot of thought.
From now on...
your name is Flounder.
Flounder?
We now consecrate
the bond of obedience.
Assume the position.
Thank you, sir. May I have another?
Thank you, sir. May I have another?
Thank you, sir. May I have another?
Now, what can we say...
of John Milton's...
Paradise Lost?
It's a long poem, written...
a long time ago, and I'm sure...
a lot of you have difficulty understanding...
exactly what Milton was trying to say.
Certainly we know that he was trying to...
describe the struggle
between good and evil, right?
Okay.
The most intriguing character,
as we all know from our reading, was...
Satan.
Now was Milton trying to tell us...
that being bad was more fun
than being good?
Okay.
Don't write this down,
but I find Milton probably...
as boring as you find Milton.
Mrs. Milton found him boring, too.
He's a little bit long-winded...
he doesn't translate very well into
our generation, and his jokes are terrible.
But that doesn't relieve you
from your responsibility for this material.
I'm waiting for reports from some of you.
I'm not joking! This is my job.
Come on, Mandy, I would tell you.
Are you and Greg doing the dirty deed?
Greg doesn't believe
in premarital intercourse.
Too bad.
I think he's just dreamy.
And one, two, three, four...
Company, halt!
Dress that line.
Dress that line, mister!
Dress that line, soldier.
Mister, hold my mount.
You fat, disgusting slob!
You're a goddamned disgrace!
A vicious mother, isn't he?
He can't do that to our pledges.
Only we can do that to our pledges.
Redo those buttons!
Dress that belt buckle!
Straighten that cap!
And goddamn it, tuck up those pyjamas!
Attention! Eyes front!
What's that on your chest, mister?
- It's a pledge pin, sir.
- A pledge pin!
On your uniform?
Hooked it. Shit.
Just tell me, mister,
what fraternity would pledge...
a man like you?
It's a Delta pin, sir.
Slice!
Report to the stable tonight
and every night at 1900 hours.
Without that pledge pin!
Do you understand?
Your left arm is straight...
but you're not keeping your head down.
You're all worthless and weak!
Now drop and give me 20!
Get back in ranks!
Always try to hit through the ball.
I've gotta work on my game.
Don't think of it as work.
The whole point is just to enjoy yourself.
I want you to fix Pinto up,
but it has to be a very special girl.
She should be decent-looking,
but we'll trade looks for...
a certain kind of morally casual attitude.
Somebody he can screw on the first date.
Well put. You see, Pinto's never been laid.
What did I say?
Don't embarrass me in front of Dave.
He's the only professor I like.
Mr. Jennings is a wonderful teacher.
Teaching pays the rent till I finish my novel.
How long have you been working on it?
Four and a half years.
Must be very good.
It's a piece of shit.
Would anybody like to smoke some pot?
Yeah.
You ever smoked before?
Sure.
When did you ever smoke pot?
I've done a lot of things
you don't know about.
I won't go schizo, will I?
There's a distinct possibility.
Is this right?
Try not to drool quite so much
on the end of it.
Hey, Paula
I wanna marry you
Hey, Paula
Nobody else could ever do
I've waited so long
For school to be through
I can't wait no more for you
Okay.
That means that...
our whole solar system...
could be, like...
one tiny atom in the fingernail
of some other giant being.
This is too much!
That means...
- one tiny atom in my fingernail could be...
- Could be one little...
tiny universe.
Could I buy some pot from you?
Give me that.
Yeah, baby.
Good baby. It's all right. You stupid...
Dorfman! What kind of man
hits a defenceless animal?
I've got a good mind to smash your fat face.
Listen up, you nauseating pile of blubber.
Your days are numbered at Faber.
You and all your sick Delta buddies.
Meantime, your ass belongs to me.
Now, drop and give me 20.
But...
Hit it!
Trooper, baby.
Come here, baby.
Cutie-pie.
I want these quarters standing tall
by 0900 tomorrow.
You got that?
Yes, sir.
Brother D-Day, brother Bluto.
You hate that ying-yang?
- Who?
- Neidermeyer. You hate his guts?
- I guess so.
- You guess so?
Yes, I hate him! I hate his guts!
We have an old saying in Delta.
"Don't get mad, get even."
Nice horsey. Good. Let's go.
He's in there!
Boy, is this great!
Now finish it, Flounder.
Are you kidding?
I never shot anything before in my life.
- I thought you hated Neidermeyer's guts.
- I do.
And the horse? Is there anything in
the world you hate as much as that horse?
Get it over with.
- Just blanks, right?
- Right.
- Holy shit!
- There were blanks in that gun!
- I didn't even point the gun at him!
- Holy shit!
There were blanks.
- Maybe he had a heart attack.
- Holy shit!
If you want the homecoming parade
in my town...
you have to pay.
Carmine, I think it's wrong
to extort money from the college.
Look...
as the mayor of Faber,
I've got big responsibilities.
These parades are very expensive.
You're using my police...
my sanitation people, my free Oldsmobiles.
If you mention extortion again...
I'll have your legs broken.
I'm sure I can arrange a nice honorarium
from the student fund.
Another thing.
You better sit
on that zoo fraternity of yours.
I don't want no drunken riots in my town.
Don't worry. I've got those boys
just where I want them.
We'll have the best homecoming parade
Faber's ever had.
Mandy!
- I haven't seen you since we...
- Go away.
I can only stay a minute.
Let me buy you lunch.
You've got your lunch.
How about some milk?
You got your milk, too.
Can I just massage your thighs
while you eat?
Do I have to leave?
Is this any way to treat an intimate friend?
I asked you never to speak to me again.
Will you go away?
I do hope we're not interrupting anything.
If you must know...
- Eric was just leaving.
- I wasn't.
I could make you leave, if you...
Bluto!
I think you know everybody here.
Greg, can't you...
Don't worry. Just keep your hands and feet
away from his mouth.
Don't you have any respect for yourself?
This is absolutely gross!
That boy is a P-l-G, pig!
See if you can guess...
what I am now.
I'm a zit. Get it?
All right, you bastard. Let's go, right here!
Why don't we go out tonight?
Don't flatter yourself. It wasn't that great.
Food fight!
Oh, Greg.
Look. It's a star.
Let's make a wish.
- "Star light, star bright..."
- Wait a minute. That's not a star.
It's moving too fast.
It's probably a 707. Those babies really
can move across the sky.
Is anything happening yet? My arm's tired.
I'm sorry, Mandy.
That thing with the Deltas
has me a little distracted.
God knows how they've molested women.
Anything?
Maybe a little faster.
Yeah.
- How's that?
- Yes.
That Eric Stratton's lucky he's not in jail.
I'll say.
What?
You'll say what?
I'll say what?
You said, "I'll say," when I said,
"He should be in jail." I'm trying to figure...
If you're not even going to try,
I'm going to stop.
Mandy, I...
- Good night, Greg.
- Good night, Mandy.
She stole your boyfriend?
Her boyfriend.
And not your boyfriend?
Speaking of boyfriends,
how was your date with Greg?
Good night.
That's it.
She broke our date.
- Washing her hair?
- Dead mother.
We're in trouble.
The Jewish guys said
our test answers were wrong.
Every one?
Those assholes must have stolen
the wrong fucking exam!
God, look what just creeped in.
Well, well, well.
Looks like somebody forgot
there's a rule against alcoholic beverages...
in fraternities on probation.
What a tool!
What was that?
I said...
what a shame...
that a few bad apples
have to spoil a good time...
- for everyone by breaking the rules.
- Put a sock in it...
or you'll be out like shit through a goose.
Yes, sir.
Have you boys seen
your grade point average yet?
- Have you?
- I have, sir. It's a little below par...
It's more than a little below par.
It stinks!
It's the lowest on campus.
It's the lowest in Faber history.
Well, sir...
we're hoping that our midterm grades
will help our average.
Laugh now...
because you clowns have been
on double secret probation all semester.
- Double secret probation?
- That means one more slip-up...
one more mistake...
and this fraternity of yours has had it...
at Faber.
That was pleasant. Nice of him to stop by.
We must do something. He's serious this
time. I think he knows about the exams.
- He's right.
- You're right. We got to do something.
- Absolutely.
- Know what we gotta do?
Toga party.
We're on double secret probation.
We can't afford to have a toga party.
- You guys up for a toga party?
- Toga! Toga!
- They like the idea.
- Otter, please don't do this.
I've got news for you, pal. They're
going to nail us, no matter what we do.
So we might as well have a good time.
Toga! Toga! Toga!
It's not going to be an orgy.
It's a toga party.
Honestly, you're 21 years old.
In six months, you graduate.
Tomorrow night, you'll wrap yourself in a
sheet, pour grain alcohol all over your head.
- Cute, but I think I'll pass this time.
- Want me to go alone?
I don't want you to go at all.
It's a fraternity party.
I'm in the fraternity. How can I miss it?
I'll write you a note.
I'll say you're too well to attend.
It's funny.
Very funny.
Where did he get the wheels?
From his brother.
He's letting him use it for a week.
Flounder's bringing his girlfriend up
for the weekend.
I am appointing you...
pledge representative
to the social committee.
Gee, thanks!
What do I do?
Drive us to the Food King!
Food King!
Otter, please.
- What are you doing?
- Fixing your sweater. There you go.
Keep them under there,
and keep your sweater closed.
- I could get in trouble.
- That's right, so...
be cool.
Mine's bigger than that.
- I beg your pardon?
- My cucumber, it's bigger.
Vegetables can be really sensuous,
don't you think?
No.
Vegetables are sensual.
People are sensuous.
Right. "Sensual." That's what I meant.
My name is Eric Stratton. They call me Otter.
My name's Marion.
They call me Mrs. Wormer.
We have a Dean Wormer at Faber.
What a coincidence. I have a husband
named Dean Wormer at Faber.
You still want to show me your cucumber?
Nothing for me today, thanks.
It looks like you gained some weight
since you came in.
- It's a prank. I'm pledging a fraternity.
- Don't sweat it. I won't tell.
The Delta Tau Chi house is having a party
tonight, and you are cordially invited.
I'm old enough to be your mother, almost.
Besides, I have to go to the goddamn
senior honours dinner tonight.
Oh, well...
Maybe some other time.
Doubtful.
Maybe?
So if you're not busy,
you want to go to a fraternity party?
- Will I be home by 12:00?
- Any time you want. I'll pick you up...
My dad would kill me
if he knew I was going to a frat house.
Okay if I meet you there?
Is it okay? It's terrific!
Girls, welcome
to the Delta toga party. Come in.
Let me take your coat.
Great pair of togas.
Have some delicious Delta punch,
and I'll join you in a minute.
This is Sissy, my steady girl.
This is the guy I told you about.
You're even prettier than Kent said.
What a great dress.
- You two talk, and I'll get us some punch.
- Good idea.
He's really a lucky guy.
Why don't we go sit down somewhere?
I gave my love a cherry
That had no stone
I gave my love a chicken
That had no bones
I gave my love a story
That had no end
I gave...
Sorry.
- You look great.
- So do you.
I had to wait until my folks went out.
Get me some more punch.
I got a lot of catching up to do.
You want to dance?
Yes.
Yeah, Otis!
Gator!
- Mrs. Wormer, I'm so glad you came.
- Cut the crap.
Give me a drink.
- This is Hoover's room.
- Yeah? It's neat.
I think it's locked or something.
Just a minute.
Fuck her.
Fuck her brains out.
Suck her tits. Squeeze her buns.
You know she wants it.
For shame!
Lawrence, I'm surprised at you.
Don't listen to that jack-off.
Look at those gazongas.
You'll never get a better chance.
If you lay one finger
on that poor, sweet, helpless girl...
you'll despise yourself forever.
I'm proud of you, Lawrence.
You homo!
My fault! For Christ's sake, Carmine,
how could it be my fault?
One of those goddamn fraternities, I guess.
I don't know,
but I have a pretty good idea which one.
I'm gonna string them up by the balls!
I bet it was that Eric Stratton.
You know that for sure?
No, but...
you'd be surprised
at some of the girls he's had.
Very surprised.
It must have been some party.
Unbelievable. A new low. I'm so ashamed.
Almost sorry I missed it.
- What did you do, human sacrifice?
- No, just some harmless fun.
Buy me a dinner tonight?
Can't tonight. Busy.
Busy tonight?
Please take your seats.
This meeting of the disciplinary council
will now come to order.
We'll waive minutes and proceed directly
with charges against Delta Tau Chi.
Sergeant at Arms.
The following charges are brought:
First, that the Delta house
did knowingly violate...
the rules governing pledge recruitment...
by serving alcohol to freshmen
during pledge week...
and after established drinking hours.
I'd like to address these charges
one at a time, if I may.
You'll get your chance, smart guy.
Get on with it.
Second, that for the fifth
consecutive semester...
Delta has achieved
a deficient aggregate grade point average.
Half the houses didn't make grades.
You will speak when you're told to,
and not before!
Read.
Third...
that the Delta fraternity routinely provided
dangerous narcotic diet pills...
- to its members during...
- That's not true!
Not another word!
...during midterm examination week.
And most recently...
that a Roman toga party was held...
from which we have received...
two dozen reports
of individual acts of perversion...
so profound and disgusting...
that decorum prohibits listing them here.
These are the charges
as recorded this day...
15 November, 1962.
Faithfully submitted...
Douglas C. Neidermeyer...
Sergeant at Arms.
- Well done.
- Robert Hoover will speak for Delta house.
I don't think you can
fully judge a fraternity...
without looking at the positive qualities
of the people in it.
The Delta house has a long tradition
of existence to its members...
and to the community at large.
We've heard enough, Mr. Chairman.
- I was told I'd have a chance to...
- That's enough.
The court will now decide.
- You said...
- He said that's it! Are you deaf?
Let's finish this damn thing.
Blow job!
- I don't think it's fair!
- I'll tell you what's fair and what's not!
Eat me!
- Tell those assholes to shut up.
- Shut up, assholes!
- Do we have to listen to this?
- Point of parliamentary procedure.
- Don't screw around. They're serious.
- Take it easy, I'm in prelaw.
- Thought you're premed?
- What's the difference?
Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief.
What do you think he's up to?
The issue here is not
whether we broke a few rules or...
took a few liberties
with our female party guests.
We did.
But you can't hold a whole fraternity
responsible for the behaviour of...
a few sick, perverted individuals.
If you do...
shouldn't we blame
the whole fraternity system?
And if the whole fraternity system is guilty...
then isn't this an indictment
of our educational institutions in general?
I put it to you, Greg.
Isn't this an indictment
of our entire American society?
Well...
you can do what you want to us...
but we won't sit here...
and listen to you badmouth
the United States of America!
Gentlemen!
Order!
You're not walking out
on this one, mister.
You're finished.
No more Delta!
You've bought it this time, buster!
I'm calling your national office!
I'm going to revoke your charter!
If you wise guys try one more thing...
one more, I'll kick you out of this college!
No more fun of any kind!
When my father was in Korea,
he wasn't flying. He was in the infantry.
He was an officer, of course...
How does it feel to be an independent?
How does it feel to be an asshole?
What did he say?
Hoover says we can't even enter a float
in the homecoming parade.
Some stupid zombies riding piles of Kleenex
down the street?
Look!
Goddamn son of a bitch!
I'll kill you, you scumbag!
Jerk-off! Assholes!
Jesus. What's going on?
They confiscated everything,
even the stuff we didn't steal.
They took the bar!
The whole fucking bar!
Thanks. I needed that.
Christ.
This is ridiculous.
What are we going to do?
Road trip.
You can't take the car!
Fred wrote the mileage down!
He wants it back by Sunday.
Please don't take the car!
He'll be very mad at me!
Get in.
Otter, don't you understand?
He wants it back by Sunday!
Fred's gonna kill me. This car is expensive!
I'll get in trouble!
We can have fun, but drive carefully!
We won't tell anybody!
I hear Dickinson girls are fast.
What should I say?
Mention modern art, civil rights
or folk music, you're in like Flynn.
- You sure we have dates?
- Absolutely. What's the chick's name?
Fawn Liebowitz.
- She was from Fort Wayne, Indiana.
- I hope I score. Oh, boy!
Oh, boy!
Turn the car around. I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
Can I help you?
I'm here to pick up my date.
Could you ring Fawn Liebowitz?
Fawn Liebowitz?
Just a minute.
Hello, Shelly?
This is Brunella at the desk.
Could you come down here? Now.
A boy is here for Fawn.
Thank you.
- Is she coming down?
- Her roommate is. Fawn isn't here. She...
Would you excuse me a minute?
Evening.
I'm Shelly Dubinsky, Fawn's roommate.
I'm Frank Lymon from Amherst,
Fawn's fianc.
Actually, we're engaged to be engaged.
What's wrong with everyone here?
Why don't we sit down, Frank?
I don't know how to tell you...
so I'll just tell you.
Fawn's dead.
She's dead?
Did she put you up to this? That minx.
What a lively sense of humour.
"Sophomore dies in kiln explosion"?
- Oh, my God!
- I'm terribly sorry, Frank.
I just talked to her last week.
She was gonna make a pot for me.
If there's anything I can do...
You're so nice.
- I really shouldn't impose on you.
- No, really. Anything.
I don't think I should be alone tonight.
Would you go out with me?
I'll get my coat.
Could you get three dates for my friends?
Otter, holy shit! Otis Day
and the Knights! I don't believe this.
It feels so good to be back here
at the Dexter Lake Club.
We'd like to do a tune entitled:
Shama Lama Ding Dong.
So hit it!
Wait till Otis sees us! He loves us!
Oh, my God!
It's dented!
We are going to die.
We're the only white people here.
- Are you sure...
- Don't worry about a thing, man.
A double rock 'n' rye, and...
seven Carlings.
Otis! My man!
You girls come here often?
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
This is really fun.
I'm really sorry.
I know what you must be going through.
Would you rather be alone?
- What are you majoring in?
- What?
- What are you majoring in?
- Primitive cultures.
I need you so much.
I'm here.
Move to your left a little.
Good.
Where do you go to school?
I wonder where Otter is.
Maybe I should go look for him.
I used to touch Fawn this way.
I know.
She told me.
She did?
Do you mind if we dance with your dates?
Why, no, not at all. Go right ahead.
If I was in your shoes...
- I'd be...
- Leaving. What a good idea.
Compose yourself,
we got to get out of here!
The Negroes took our dates!
Oh, my God! Please be careful!
This will cost hundreds of dollars to fix!
Oh, my God!
We're out.
What baffles me is why
Fawn would go out with boys like that.
- They reminded me of criminals.
- They were horrible.
I think Frank was kind of cute.
I really felt sorry for him.
He started crying and...
What did Katy say?
She wasn't home.
Where could she be at 6:00 a. M?
- What's with you two?
- I don't know. Something's wrong.
Women. Can't live with them,
can't live without them.
You know where Mandy is?
She was supposed to help make tea.
Sure don't.
She said she was just
going to wash her hair.
That's typical. Just when we're doing
something important.
I hate to see her make
such a chump out of you.
What are you saying?
I'm saying that Mandy and Eric Stratton
are having an affair.
But I love you, Greg.
That's why I had to tell you.
Babs...
I want you to do something for me.
Good.
I'm outta here.
Katy?
Good luck.
Hey. Stop blubbering.
When I'm through with this thing,
you won't even recognise it.
Come on, Flounder.
You can't worry forever
about your mistakes.
You fucked up. You trusted us.
Make the best of it. Maybe we can help you.
That's easy for you to say.
What am I going to I tell Fred?
I'll tell you what.
I'll swear you were doing a great job
taking care of his car, but...
you parked it out back last night,
and this morning, it was gone.
D- Day takes care of the wreck.
We tell the police. Your brother's insurance
buys him a new car.
Will that work?
It's got to work better than the truth.
My advice to you...
is to start drinking heavily.
Better listen to him. He's in premed.
There you go. Just leave everything to me.
Hi, Katy.
I missed you.
I was going to call you...
Where are they?
Boon, I don't know what to say.
Boon, wait!
Shit.
Must be in the kitchen.
What's the matter?
There they are.
Are you sure, Babs?
Why would Mandy want to see me?
I'm sure I don't know. You'll have to ask her.
As soon as you can get there.
Well...
Do you know the Rainbow Motel
on Old Mill Road?
Thank you very much.
Bye.
Teddy!
Did you get the Deltas' grade reports?
Yes.
I have it right here.
Why didn't you tell me?
Good.
It's "Mr. Thoughtful"
with a dozen roses for...
you...
One, two, three, four, five.
Looks like we're a couple flowers short,
so some of you boys will have to...
Where are the other two?
Stratton and Schoenstein?
- We looked everywhere, sir, but...
- Never mind. It doesn't matter.
You gentlemen
seen your midterm grades yet?
They're not posted yet, sir.
I've seen them.
Mr. Kroger...
Two C's, two D's, and an F.
That's a 1.2 grade average.
Congratulations, Kroger.
You're at the top of the Delta pledge class.
Mr. Dorfman.
Hello.
0.2.
Fat, drunk and stupid
is no way to go through life.
Mr. Hoover.
President of Delta house, 1.6...
four C's and an F. A fine example you set.
Daniel Simpson Day...
has no grade point average.
All courses incomplete.
Mr. Blutarsky.
0.0.
Tell Mr. Stratton and Mr. Schoenstein
exactly what I'm about to tell you.
- What, sir?
- You're out!
Finished at Faber! Expelled! I want you
off this campus Monday morning!
And I'm sure you'll be happy to know...
that I have notified your local draft boards...
and told them that you are now all...
eligible for military service.
Well?
Well?
Out with it!
Relax, honey.
You know, I know, everybody knows
that Otter certainly had it coming.
I don't think the Deltas
will be giving us any more trouble.
Greg, honey?
Is it supposed to be this soft?
Christ!
Seven years of college down the drain.
Might as well join the fucking Peace Corps.
My mother's going to kill me.
I knew it.
I can't believe I threw up
in front of Dean Wormer.
Face it.
You threw up on Dean Wormer.
Jesus Christ!
What happened? You look grotesque!
- Some Omegas danced on my face.
- Who was it?
It was Greggie and Douggie...
- and some of the other Hitler youth.
- What did you do?
I don't know.
They're just animals, I guess.
Looks like I missed something.
You did.
We're all officially kicked out of school.
Wormer just got our grades.
They kicked us out of school?
That makes sense.
- What's this lying around shit?
- What should we do, moron?
War's over. Wormer dropped the big one.
What? "Over"?
Did you say "over"?
Nothing's over until we decide it is!
Was it over when the Germans
bombed Pearl Harbor?
Hell, no!
- Germans?
- Forget it, he's rolling.
And it ain't over now.
'Cause when the going gets tough...
The tough get going! Who's with me?
Let's go! Come on!
What the fuck happened
to the Delta I used to know?
Where's the spirit?
Where's the guts?
This could be the greatest night
of our lives...
but you're gonna let it be the worst.
"We're afraid to go with you, Bluto.
We might get in trouble."
Just kiss my ass from now on.
Not me! I won't take this!
Wormer is a dead man!
- Marmalard: Dead! Neidermeyer...
- Dead.
Bluto's right.
Psychotic...
but absolutely right.
We got to take these bastards.
We could fight them
with conventional weapons.
That could take years...
cost millions of lives.
In this case...
I think we have to go all out.
I think this situation absolutely requires...
a really futile and stupid gesture...
be done on somebody's part.
We're just the guys to do it.
Let's do it.
Let's do it!
Go! Go! Go!
Tommy?
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Larry.
Remember me? I took you to the party.
Wait a minute.
So how come you show up now?
I didn't expect to see you.
I never got a chance to say good night
to you after the party.
They almost pumped my stomach.
Can we take a walk or something?
- What do you mean, "or something"?
- I could get some beer.
Not tonight, okay?
Besides, you might get lucky without it.
Before we go any further,
there's something I have to tell you.
I lied to you. I've never done this before.
You've never made out with a girl before?
I've never done what I think we're
going to do in a minute. I sort of did once...
That's okay. Neither have I.
Besides...
I lied, too.
Yeah? What about?
I'm only 13.
Hi, there!
Marvellous day.
Excuse me, please. Pardon me.
Off that mailbox!
That's government property. Move it.
Would you hold this?
Thank you.
My kid can't see.
Can he stand in front of you?
No.
Hoover!
Where's Boon?
I don't think you should stay around here.
What are you talking about?
We all got expelled last night.
What?
Why?
Where's Boon?
Listen to me.
I think you'd be glad later
if you weren't here now.
May I have 10,000 marbles, please?
Testing.
It gives me great pleasure to present...
this ceremonial gold-plated whistle...
to this year's honorary grand marshal...
Dean Vernon Wormer.
Mr. Marshal...
the streets of Faber are yours.
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
Let's go.
Sequence! Hut!
Faber!
Thank you, God!
Those guys are coming pretty fast.
- What the fuck's going on?
- I don't know.
Let's stop this now. Charge!
Get up, you faggots! Charge!
Stand up and fight, for Christ's sake!
Faggots!
Remain calm.
All is well.
Cut the cake!
Look!
Oh, my God!
Let's take the cheese.
I hate those guys.
Ramming speed!
Oh, boy, is this great!
All is well!
You can take your thumb
out of my ass any time now.
Remain...
This may seem an inopportune moment
to ask, Dean Wormer...
but do you think
you could give us one more chance?
ROBERT HOOVER '63- PUBLIC DEFENDER
BALTIMORE, MARYLAND
Daddy! Mom!
This is Larry Kroger...
the boy who molested me last month.
We have to get married.
We should discuss this some other time, sir.
LAWRENCE KROGER '66- EDITOR
NATIONAL LAMPOON MAGAZINE
Come out of there!
Come on out, you bastards!
Who is it?
You know damn well!
I'm sorry. You'll have to come
back later. I'm doing the dishes.
Look at my thumb.
Gee, you're dumb.
GREGORY MARMALARD '63
NIXON WHITE HOUSE AIDE
RAPED IN PRISON, 1974
ERIC STRATTON '63- GYNAECOLOGIS BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA
Bye!
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Neidermeyer!
DOUGLAS C. NEIDERMEYER '63
KILLED IN VIETNAM BY HIS OWN TROOPS
KENT DORFMAN '66
SENSITIVITY TRAINER
ENCOUNTER GROUPS OF CLEVELAND, INC
DANIEL SIMPSON DAY '63
WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN
Don't you guys think
you've had enough?
Okay, now I'm really mad.
Now you've had it!
Officer, please, for God's sake,
they're looting the Food King!
Come back and fight!
No prisoners!
BOON AND KATY - MARRIED 1964
DIVORCED 1969
BARBARA SUE JANSEN '63- TOUR GUIDE
UNIVERSAL STUDIOS, HOLLYWOOD
SENATOR & MRS. JOHN BLUTARSKY
WASHINGTON, D.C.
Take off that beanie.
- We're meant to wear them to homecoming.
- Don't be a fruit, okay?
Okay.
Doug Neidermeyer,
Omega membership chairman.
Larry Kroger.
This is my roommate, Kent Dorfman.
Hi there. Doug Neidermeyer.
These are our name-tag hostesses,
Mandy Pepperidge and Babs Jansen.
Hi there, Kent. Hi, Larry.
- Welcome to Omega house.
- Thank you.
- Nice to...
- Why don't we go meet some of the guys?
A wimp and a blimp.
There are many great guys here,
so don't feel you have to meet everyone.
We just want you to enjoy yourselves
while you're here.
Omega house has more
activities...
than most campus fraternities,
is far superior...
- Mandy.
- Hi.
Right there.
Hi there, fellows. Meet Ken and Lonny.
Larry.
Ken, Lonny, I'd like you to meet...
Mohammet...
Jugdish, Sidney and Clayton.
Grab a seat and make yourselves at home.
Don't be shy about helping yourselves
to punch and cookies.
I'm not going to say Omega's
the best house on campus...
but a lot of outstanding guys figure
they'll pledge Omega or won't pledge at all.
We do have more than our share
of campus leaders...
something that never looks bad
on your permanent record.
Sure. Everybody says
Omega's the best, but...
I hate to seem...
you know, pushy.
Let the unacceptable candidates worry,
because after tonight, they're...
...you are... Kent!
I'm Greg Marmalard,
president of Omega House.
Meet my friends, Mandy Pepperidge...
We already met.
And Chip Diller.
How are you?
How are you?
Over there is Terry Auerback,
captain of the swim team.
That's Carl Phillips,
editor of the Daily Faberian.
And...
Clayton.
Sidney.
Jugdish, Mohammet, Lonny...
- We already met.
- Super!
Then you'll have lots to talk about.
- I don't think you're trying very hard.
- I hate this.
No sweat. My brother Fred was a Delta.
That makes me a legacy.
They have to take me. It's their law.
Don't worry. I'll put in a good word for you.
Great. I heard Delta's
the worst house on campus.
Excuse me, sir. Is this the Delta house?
Sure.
Come on in.
Grab a brew.
Don't cost nothing.
See you later.
And bump you $20.
Hi, guys.
You guys playing cards?
You want another beer?
Hi.
- You want a beer, Larry?
- Sure.
Nice fish.
- I'm Robert Hoover, chapter president.
- Hi, Robert.
Have you seen Boon?
He disappeared when we got here.
He's probably upstairs talking to Otter.
No doubt.
They're well-known homosexuals.
Have another beer. She's just kidding.
Right, Bluto?
You going out tonight, Otter?
Norma?
No. Let me give you a hint.
She's got a couple of major-league yabos.
Beverly!
No.
But you're getting warmer.
Let me give you another hint.
Does this ring a bell?
- "Oh, God. Oh, God!"
- Marlene.
You're going to pork Marlene Desmond?
- Pork?
- You're gonna hump her brains out.
I anticipate a deeply religious experience.
Why the interest in my social life?
Where's Katy?
Downstairs, pissed off about something.
She thinks you're an immature jerk?
Yeah.
I don't take anything seriously.
She'll take this seriously.
Try it.
- You guys coming down?
- This thing talk?
There are 50 people
trying to get into this fraternity.
Otter, you are the rush chairman.
You should be present at the rush party.
Hi. My name is Kent Dorfman.
Eric Stratton, rush chairman.
Damn glad to meet you.
D- Day!
Eric Stratton, rush chairman.
Damn glad to meet you.
That was Eric Stratton.
He was damn glad to meet you.
Larry, I see you've met D-Day.
You're having a nice time. That's good.
Eric Stratton. Damn glad to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice tie!
Is that a clip-on?
Boon, come check this out.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Ninety percent rayon! Very nice.
Hi, boys. Having a good time, I hope?
Excuse me.
- Did your mother buy that?
- Yes.
Kent is a legacy, Otter.
His brother was a '59. Fred Dorfman.
He said legacies
get asked to pledge automatically.
Usually, unless the pledge in question
is a real closet case, like Fred.
- My brother.
- Kent, come over here.
- I liked the tie.
- Great tie.
Katy.
Eric Stratton, rush chairman.
Damn glad to meet you.
Katy!
- Where are you going?
- Home.
- We just got here!
- No, you just got here.
I've been downstairs entertaining some kid
from Pig's Knuckle, Arkansas.
Maybe we could drive
to your folks' place this weekend.
Fabulous.
My car filled with your beer buddies going
up to empty my parents' liquor cabinet?
It's too depressing to think about.
Just you and me, and Otter and another girl.
Is this what you're going to do
for the rest of your life?
What do you mean?
Hanging around with animals,
getting drunk every weekend?
No.
After I graduate...
I'm going to get drunk every night.
I think I'm in love with a retard.
Is he bigger than me?
Greg...
what is the worst fraternity on this campus?
That would be hard to say, sir.
They're each outstanding in their own way...
Cut the horseshit, son.
I've got their disciplinary files here.
Who dumped a whole truckload of fizzies
into the swim meet?
Who delivered the medical-school cadavers
to the alumni dinner?
Every Halloween,
the trees are filled with underwear.
Every spring, the toilets explode.
You're talking about Delta, sir.
Of course I'm talking about Delta,
you twerp!
This year, it's gonna be different.
This year we'll grab the bull by the balls...
and kick those punks off campus!
What do you intend to do, sir?
Delta's already on probation.
They are?
Yes, sir.
Oh...
Then as of now,
they're on double secret probation!
Double secret probation, sir?
There is a little-known codicil
in the Faber College Constitution...
which gives the Dean
unlimited power to preserve order...
in time of campus emergency.
Find me a way to revoke Delta's charter.
You live next door.
Put Neidermeyer on it.
He's a sneaky little shit just like you, right?
The time has come for someone
to put his foot down.
And that foot is me.
Larry Kroger. All in favour.
We need the dues.
Good. Larry Kroger is now a pledge
to Delta. Next slide, please.
Just a minute! Just settle down!
This is Kent Dorfman.
He's a legacy from Harrisburg.
Now wait a minute!
Okay, this guy is a real zero. That's true.
Think back to when you were freshmen.
Boon, you had a face
like a pepperoni pizza, right?
And Stork here. Everybody thought
that Stork was brain damaged.
I myself was so obnoxious...
the seniors beat me up once a week.
So this guy is a total loser?
Let me tell you the story of another loser.
Get up!
Let's go! On your feet!
"I..." State your name.
I... state your name.
"...do hereby pledge allegiance to the frat."
...do hereby pledge allegiance to the frat.
"With liberty and fraternity for all."
Amen.
Sergeant at Arms...
do your duty.
From now on,
your Delta Tau Chi name is Weasel.
From now on your name is Mothball.
Kroger, your Delta Tau Chi name is Pinto.
- Why Pinto?
- Why not?
What's my Delta Tau Chi name?
Dorfman, I've given this a lot of thought.
From now on...
your name is Flounder.
Flounder?
We now consecrate
the bond of obedience.
Assume the position.
Thank you, sir. May I have another?
Thank you, sir. May I have another?
Thank you, sir. May I have another?
Now, what can we say...
of John Milton's...
Paradise Lost?
It's a long poem, written...
a long time ago, and I'm sure...
a lot of you have difficulty understanding...
exactly what Milton was trying to say.
Certainly we know that he was trying to...
describe the struggle
between good and evil, right?
Okay.
The most intriguing character,
as we all know from our reading, was...
Satan.
Now was Milton trying to tell us...
that being bad was more fun
than being good?
Okay.
Don't write this down,
but I find Milton probably...
as boring as you find Milton.
Mrs. Milton found him boring, too.
He's a little bit long-winded...
he doesn't translate very well into
our generation, and his jokes are terrible.
But that doesn't relieve you
from your responsibility for this material.
I'm waiting for reports from some of you.
I'm not joking! This is my job.
Come on, Mandy, I would tell you.
Are you and Greg doing the dirty deed?
Greg doesn't believe
in premarital intercourse.
Too bad.
I think he's just dreamy.
And one, two, three, four...
Company, halt!
Dress that line.
Dress that line, mister!
Dress that line, soldier.
Mister, hold my mount.
You fat, disgusting slob!
You're a goddamned disgrace!
A vicious mother, isn't he?
He can't do that to our pledges.
Only we can do that to our pledges.
Redo those buttons!
Dress that belt buckle!
Straighten that cap!
And goddamn it, tuck up those pyjamas!
Attention! Eyes front!
What's that on your chest, mister?
- It's a pledge pin, sir.
- A pledge pin!
On your uniform?
Hooked it. Shit.
Just tell me, mister,
what fraternity would pledge...
a man like you?
It's a Delta pin, sir.
Slice!
Report to the stable tonight
and every night at 1900 hours.
Without that pledge pin!
Do you understand?
Your left arm is straight...
but you're not keeping your head down.
You're all worthless and weak!
Now drop and give me 20!
Get back in ranks!
Always try to hit through the ball.
I've gotta work on my game.
Don't think of it as work.
The whole point is just to enjoy yourself.
I want you to fix Pinto up,
but it has to be a very special girl.
She should be decent-looking,
but we'll trade looks for...
a certain kind of morally casual attitude.
Somebody he can screw on the first date.
Well put. You see, Pinto's never been laid.
What did I say?
Don't embarrass me in front of Dave.
He's the only professor I like.
Mr. Jennings is a wonderful teacher.
Teaching pays the rent till I finish my novel.
How long have you been working on it?
Four and a half years.
Must be very good.
It's a piece of shit.
Would anybody like to smoke some pot?
Yeah.
You ever smoked before?
Sure.
When did you ever smoke pot?
I've done a lot of things
you don't know about.
I won't go schizo, will I?
There's a distinct possibility.
Is this right?
Try not to drool quite so much
on the end of it.
Hey, Paula
I wanna marry you
Hey, Paula
Nobody else could ever do
I've waited so long
For school to be through
I can't wait no more for you
Okay.
That means that...
our whole solar system...
could be, like...
one tiny atom in the fingernail
of some other giant being.
This is too much!
That means...
- one tiny atom in my fingernail could be...
- Could be one little...
tiny universe.
Could I buy some pot from you?
Give me that.
Yeah, baby.
Good baby. It's all right. You stupid...
Dorfman! What kind of man
hits a defenceless animal?
I've got a good mind to smash your fat face.
Listen up, you nauseating pile of blubber.
Your days are numbered at Faber.
You and all your sick Delta buddies.
Meantime, your ass belongs to me.
Now, drop and give me 20.
But...
Hit it!
Trooper, baby.
Come here, baby.
Cutie-pie.
I want these quarters standing tall
by 0900 tomorrow.
You got that?
Yes, sir.
Brother D-Day, brother Bluto.
You hate that ying-yang?
- Who?
- Neidermeyer. You hate his guts?
- I guess so.
- You guess so?
Yes, I hate him! I hate his guts!
We have an old saying in Delta.
"Don't get mad, get even."
Nice horsey. Good. Let's go.
He's in there!
Boy, is this great!
Now finish it, Flounder.
Are you kidding?
I never shot anything before in my life.
- I thought you hated Neidermeyer's guts.
- I do.
And the horse? Is there anything in
the world you hate as much as that horse?
Get it over with.
- Just blanks, right?
- Right.
- Holy shit!
- There were blanks in that gun!
- I didn't even point the gun at him!
- Holy shit!
There were blanks.
- Maybe he had a heart attack.
- Holy shit!
If you want the homecoming parade
in my town...
you have to pay.
Carmine, I think it's wrong
to extort money from the college.
Look...
as the mayor of Faber,
I've got big responsibilities.
These parades are very expensive.
You're using my police...
my sanitation people, my free Oldsmobiles.
If you mention extortion again...
I'll have your legs broken.
I'm sure I can arrange a nice honorarium
from the student fund.
Another thing.
You better sit
on that zoo fraternity of yours.
I don't want no drunken riots in my town.
Don't worry. I've got those boys
just where I want them.
We'll have the best homecoming parade
Faber's ever had.
Mandy!
- I haven't seen you since we...
- Go away.
I can only stay a minute.
Let me buy you lunch.
You've got your lunch.
How about some milk?
You got your milk, too.
Can I just massage your thighs
while you eat?
Do I have to leave?
Is this any way to treat an intimate friend?
I asked you never to speak to me again.
Will you go away?
I do hope we're not interrupting anything.
If you must know...
- Eric was just leaving.
- I wasn't.
I could make you leave, if you...
Bluto!
I think you know everybody here.
Greg, can't you...
Don't worry. Just keep your hands and feet
away from his mouth.
Don't you have any respect for yourself?
This is absolutely gross!
That boy is a P-l-G, pig!
See if you can guess...
what I am now.
I'm a zit. Get it?
All right, you bastard. Let's go, right here!
Why don't we go out tonight?
Don't flatter yourself. It wasn't that great.
Food fight!
Oh, Greg.
Look. It's a star.
Let's make a wish.
- "Star light, star bright..."
- Wait a minute. That's not a star.
It's moving too fast.
It's probably a 707. Those babies really
can move across the sky.
Is anything happening yet? My arm's tired.
I'm sorry, Mandy.
That thing with the Deltas
has me a little distracted.
God knows how they've molested women.
Anything?
Maybe a little faster.
Yeah.
- How's that?
- Yes.
That Eric Stratton's lucky he's not in jail.
I'll say.
What?
You'll say what?
I'll say what?
You said, "I'll say," when I said,
"He should be in jail." I'm trying to figure...
If you're not even going to try,
I'm going to stop.
Mandy, I...
- Good night, Greg.
- Good night, Mandy.
She stole your boyfriend?
Her boyfriend.
And not your boyfriend?
Speaking of boyfriends,
how was your date with Greg?
Good night.
That's it.
She broke our date.
- Washing her hair?
- Dead mother.
We're in trouble.
The Jewish guys said
our test answers were wrong.
Every one?
Those assholes must have stolen
the wrong fucking exam!
God, look what just creeped in.
Well, well, well.
Looks like somebody forgot
there's a rule against alcoholic beverages...
in fraternities on probation.
What a tool!
What was that?
I said...
what a shame...
that a few bad apples
have to spoil a good time...
- for everyone by breaking the rules.
- Put a sock in it...
or you'll be out like shit through a goose.
Yes, sir.
Have you boys seen
your grade point average yet?
- Have you?
- I have, sir. It's a little below par...
It's more than a little below par.
It stinks!
It's the lowest on campus.
It's the lowest in Faber history.
Well, sir...
we're hoping that our midterm grades
will help our average.
Laugh now...
because you clowns have been
on double secret probation all semester.
- Double secret probation?
- That means one more slip-up...
one more mistake...
and this fraternity of yours has had it...
at Faber.
That was pleasant. Nice of him to stop by.
We must do something. He's serious this
time. I think he knows about the exams.
- He's right.
- You're right. We got to do something.
- Absolutely.
- Know what we gotta do?
Toga party.
We're on double secret probation.
We can't afford to have a toga party.
- You guys up for a toga party?
- Toga! Toga!
- They like the idea.
- Otter, please don't do this.
I've got news for you, pal. They're
going to nail us, no matter what we do.
So we might as well have a good time.
Toga! Toga! Toga!
It's not going to be an orgy.
It's a toga party.
Honestly, you're 21 years old.
In six months, you graduate.
Tomorrow night, you'll wrap yourself in a
sheet, pour grain alcohol all over your head.
- Cute, but I think I'll pass this time.
- Want me to go alone?
I don't want you to go at all.
It's a fraternity party.
I'm in the fraternity. How can I miss it?
I'll write you a note.
I'll say you're too well to attend.
It's funny.
Very funny.
Where did he get the wheels?
From his brother.
He's letting him use it for a week.
Flounder's bringing his girlfriend up
for the weekend.
I am appointing you...
pledge representative
to the social committee.
Gee, thanks!
What do I do?
Drive us to the Food King!
Food King!
Otter, please.
- What are you doing?
- Fixing your sweater. There you go.
Keep them under there,
and keep your sweater closed.
- I could get in trouble.
- That's right, so...
be cool.
Mine's bigger than that.
- I beg your pardon?
- My cucumber, it's bigger.
Vegetables can be really sensuous,
don't you think?
No.
Vegetables are sensual.
People are sensuous.
Right. "Sensual." That's what I meant.
My name is Eric Stratton. They call me Otter.
My name's Marion.
They call me Mrs. Wormer.
We have a Dean Wormer at Faber.
What a coincidence. I have a husband
named Dean Wormer at Faber.
You still want to show me your cucumber?
Nothing for me today, thanks.
It looks like you gained some weight
since you came in.
- It's a prank. I'm pledging a fraternity.
- Don't sweat it. I won't tell.
The Delta Tau Chi house is having a party
tonight, and you are cordially invited.
I'm old enough to be your mother, almost.
Besides, I have to go to the goddamn
senior honours dinner tonight.
Oh, well...
Maybe some other time.
Doubtful.
Maybe?
So if you're not busy,
you want to go to a fraternity party?
- Will I be home by 12:00?
- Any time you want. I'll pick you up...
My dad would kill me
if he knew I was going to a frat house.
Okay if I meet you there?
Is it okay? It's terrific!
Girls, welcome
to the Delta toga party. Come in.
Let me take your coat.
Great pair of togas.
Have some delicious Delta punch,
and I'll join you in a minute.
This is Sissy, my steady girl.
This is the guy I told you about.
You're even prettier than Kent said.
What a great dress.
- You two talk, and I'll get us some punch.
- Good idea.
He's really a lucky guy.
Why don't we go sit down somewhere?
I gave my love a cherry
That had no stone
I gave my love a chicken
That had no bones
I gave my love a story
That had no end
I gave...
Sorry.
- You look great.
- So do you.
I had to wait until my folks went out.
Get me some more punch.
I got a lot of catching up to do.
You want to dance?
Yes.
Yeah, Otis!
Gator!
- Mrs. Wormer, I'm so glad you came.
- Cut the crap.
Give me a drink.
- This is Hoover's room.
- Yeah? It's neat.
I think it's locked or something.
Just a minute.
Fuck her.
Fuck her brains out.
Suck her tits. Squeeze her buns.
You know she wants it.
For shame!
Lawrence, I'm surprised at you.
Don't listen to that jack-off.
Look at those gazongas.
You'll never get a better chance.
If you lay one finger
on that poor, sweet, helpless girl...
you'll despise yourself forever.
I'm proud of you, Lawrence.
You homo!
My fault! For Christ's sake, Carmine,
how could it be my fault?
One of those goddamn fraternities, I guess.
I don't know,
but I have a pretty good idea which one.
I'm gonna string them up by the balls!
I bet it was that Eric Stratton.
You know that for sure?
No, but...
you'd be surprised
at some of the girls he's had.
Very surprised.
It must have been some party.
Unbelievable. A new low. I'm so ashamed.
Almost sorry I missed it.
- What did you do, human sacrifice?
- No, just some harmless fun.
Buy me a dinner tonight?
Can't tonight. Busy.
Busy tonight?
Please take your seats.
This meeting of the disciplinary council
will now come to order.
We'll waive minutes and proceed directly
with charges against Delta Tau Chi.
Sergeant at Arms.
The following charges are brought:
First, that the Delta house
did knowingly violate...
the rules governing pledge recruitment...
by serving alcohol to freshmen
during pledge week...
and after established drinking hours.
I'd like to address these charges
one at a time, if I may.
You'll get your chance, smart guy.
Get on with it.
Second, that for the fifth
consecutive semester...
Delta has achieved
a deficient aggregate grade point average.
Half the houses didn't make grades.
You will speak when you're told to,
and not before!
Read.
Third...
that the Delta fraternity routinely provided
dangerous narcotic diet pills...
- to its members during...
- That's not true!
Not another word!
...during midterm examination week.
And most recently...
that a Roman toga party was held...
from which we have received...
two dozen reports
of individual acts of perversion...
so profound and disgusting...
that decorum prohibits listing them here.
These are the charges
as recorded this day...
15 November, 1962.
Faithfully submitted...
Douglas C. Neidermeyer...
Sergeant at Arms.
- Well done.
- Robert Hoover will speak for Delta house.
I don't think you can
fully judge a fraternity...
without looking at the positive qualities
of the people in it.
The Delta house has a long tradition
of existence to its members...
and to the community at large.
We've heard enough, Mr. Chairman.
- I was told I'd have a chance to...
- That's enough.
The court will now decide.
- You said...
- He said that's it! Are you deaf?
Let's finish this damn thing.
Blow job!
- I don't think it's fair!
- I'll tell you what's fair and what's not!
Eat me!
- Tell those assholes to shut up.
- Shut up, assholes!
- Do we have to listen to this?
- Point of parliamentary procedure.
- Don't screw around. They're serious.
- Take it easy, I'm in prelaw.
- Thought you're premed?
- What's the difference?
Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief.
What do you think he's up to?
The issue here is not
whether we broke a few rules or...
took a few liberties
with our female party guests.
We did.
But you can't hold a whole fraternity
responsible for the behaviour of...
a few sick, perverted individuals.
If you do...
shouldn't we blame
the whole fraternity system?
And if the whole fraternity system is guilty...
then isn't this an indictment
of our educational institutions in general?
I put it to you, Greg.
Isn't this an indictment
of our entire American society?
Well...
you can do what you want to us...
but we won't sit here...
and listen to you badmouth
the United States of America!
Gentlemen!
Order!
You're not walking out
on this one, mister.
You're finished.
No more Delta!
You've bought it this time, buster!
I'm calling your national office!
I'm going to revoke your charter!
If you wise guys try one more thing...
one more, I'll kick you out of this college!
No more fun of any kind!
When my father was in Korea,
he wasn't flying. He was in the infantry.
He was an officer, of course...
How does it feel to be an independent?
How does it feel to be an asshole?
What did he say?
Hoover says we can't even enter a float
in the homecoming parade.
Some stupid zombies riding piles of Kleenex
down the street?
Look!
Goddamn son of a bitch!
I'll kill you, you scumbag!
Jerk-off! Assholes!
Jesus. What's going on?
They confiscated everything,
even the stuff we didn't steal.
They took the bar!
The whole fucking bar!
Thanks. I needed that.
Christ.
This is ridiculous.
What are we going to do?
Road trip.
You can't take the car!
Fred wrote the mileage down!
He wants it back by Sunday.
Please don't take the car!
He'll be very mad at me!
Get in.
Otter, don't you understand?
He wants it back by Sunday!
Fred's gonna kill me. This car is expensive!
I'll get in trouble!
We can have fun, but drive carefully!
We won't tell anybody!
I hear Dickinson girls are fast.
What should I say?
Mention modern art, civil rights
or folk music, you're in like Flynn.
- You sure we have dates?
- Absolutely. What's the chick's name?
Fawn Liebowitz.
- She was from Fort Wayne, Indiana.
- I hope I score. Oh, boy!
Oh, boy!
Turn the car around. I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
Can I help you?
I'm here to pick up my date.
Could you ring Fawn Liebowitz?
Fawn Liebowitz?
Just a minute.
Hello, Shelly?
This is Brunella at the desk.
Could you come down here? Now.
A boy is here for Fawn.
Thank you.
- Is she coming down?
- Her roommate is. Fawn isn't here. She...
Would you excuse me a minute?
Evening.
I'm Shelly Dubinsky, Fawn's roommate.
I'm Frank Lymon from Amherst,
Fawn's fianc.
Actually, we're engaged to be engaged.
What's wrong with everyone here?
Why don't we sit down, Frank?
I don't know how to tell you...
so I'll just tell you.
Fawn's dead.
She's dead?
Did she put you up to this? That minx.
What a lively sense of humour.
"Sophomore dies in kiln explosion"?
- Oh, my God!
- I'm terribly sorry, Frank.
I just talked to her last week.
She was gonna make a pot for me.
If there's anything I can do...
You're so nice.
- I really shouldn't impose on you.
- No, really. Anything.
I don't think I should be alone tonight.
Would you go out with me?
I'll get my coat.
Could you get three dates for my friends?
Otter, holy shit! Otis Day
and the Knights! I don't believe this.
It feels so good to be back here
at the Dexter Lake Club.
We'd like to do a tune entitled:
Shama Lama Ding Dong.
So hit it!
Wait till Otis sees us! He loves us!
Oh, my God!
It's dented!
We are going to die.
We're the only white people here.
- Are you sure...
- Don't worry about a thing, man.
A double rock 'n' rye, and...
seven Carlings.
Otis! My man!
You girls come here often?
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
This is really fun.
I'm really sorry.
I know what you must be going through.
Would you rather be alone?
- What are you majoring in?
- What?
- What are you majoring in?
- Primitive cultures.
I need you so much.
I'm here.
Move to your left a little.
Good.
Where do you go to school?
I wonder where Otter is.
Maybe I should go look for him.
I used to touch Fawn this way.
I know.
She told me.
She did?
Do you mind if we dance with your dates?
Why, no, not at all. Go right ahead.
If I was in your shoes...
- I'd be...
- Leaving. What a good idea.
Compose yourself,
we got to get out of here!
The Negroes took our dates!
Oh, my God! Please be careful!
This will cost hundreds of dollars to fix!
Oh, my God!
We're out.
What baffles me is why
Fawn would go out with boys like that.
- They reminded me of criminals.
- They were horrible.
I think Frank was kind of cute.
I really felt sorry for him.
He started crying and...
What did Katy say?
She wasn't home.
Where could she be at 6:00 a. M?
- What's with you two?
- I don't know. Something's wrong.
Women. Can't live with them,
can't live without them.
You know where Mandy is?
She was supposed to help make tea.
Sure don't.
She said she was just
going to wash her hair.
That's typical. Just when we're doing
something important.
I hate to see her make
such a chump out of you.
What are you saying?
I'm saying that Mandy and Eric Stratton
are having an affair.
But I love you, Greg.
That's why I had to tell you.
Babs...
I want you to do something for me.
Good.
I'm outta here.
Katy?
Good luck.
Hey. Stop blubbering.
When I'm through with this thing,
you won't even recognise it.
Come on, Flounder.
You can't worry forever
about your mistakes.
You fucked up. You trusted us.
Make the best of it. Maybe we can help you.
That's easy for you to say.
What am I going to I tell Fred?
I'll tell you what.
I'll swear you were doing a great job
taking care of his car, but...
you parked it out back last night,
and this morning, it was gone.
D- Day takes care of the wreck.
We tell the police. Your brother's insurance
buys him a new car.
Will that work?
It's got to work better than the truth.
My advice to you...
is to start drinking heavily.
Better listen to him. He's in premed.
There you go. Just leave everything to me.
Hi, Katy.
I missed you.
I was going to call you...
Where are they?
Boon, I don't know what to say.
Boon, wait!
Shit.
Must be in the kitchen.
What's the matter?
There they are.
Are you sure, Babs?
Why would Mandy want to see me?
I'm sure I don't know. You'll have to ask her.
As soon as you can get there.
Well...
Do you know the Rainbow Motel
on Old Mill Road?
Thank you very much.
Bye.
Teddy!
Did you get the Deltas' grade reports?
Yes.
I have it right here.
Why didn't you tell me?
Good.
It's "Mr. Thoughtful"
with a dozen roses for...
you...
One, two, three, four, five.
Looks like we're a couple flowers short,
so some of you boys will have to...
Where are the other two?
Stratton and Schoenstein?
- We looked everywhere, sir, but...
- Never mind. It doesn't matter.
You gentlemen
seen your midterm grades yet?
They're not posted yet, sir.
I've seen them.
Mr. Kroger...
Two C's, two D's, and an F.
That's a 1.2 grade average.
Congratulations, Kroger.
You're at the top of the Delta pledge class.
Mr. Dorfman.
Hello.
0.2.
Fat, drunk and stupid
is no way to go through life.
Mr. Hoover.
President of Delta house, 1.6...
four C's and an F. A fine example you set.
Daniel Simpson Day...
has no grade point average.
All courses incomplete.
Mr. Blutarsky.
0.0.
Tell Mr. Stratton and Mr. Schoenstein
exactly what I'm about to tell you.
- What, sir?
- You're out!
Finished at Faber! Expelled! I want you
off this campus Monday morning!
And I'm sure you'll be happy to know...
that I have notified your local draft boards...
and told them that you are now all...
eligible for military service.
Well?
Well?
Out with it!
Relax, honey.
You know, I know, everybody knows
that Otter certainly had it coming.
I don't think the Deltas
will be giving us any more trouble.
Greg, honey?
Is it supposed to be this soft?
Christ!
Seven years of college down the drain.
Might as well join the fucking Peace Corps.
My mother's going to kill me.
I knew it.
I can't believe I threw up
in front of Dean Wormer.
Face it.
You threw up on Dean Wormer.
Jesus Christ!
What happened? You look grotesque!
- Some Omegas danced on my face.
- Who was it?
It was Greggie and Douggie...
- and some of the other Hitler youth.
- What did you do?
I don't know.
They're just animals, I guess.
Looks like I missed something.
You did.
We're all officially kicked out of school.
Wormer just got our grades.
They kicked us out of school?
That makes sense.
- What's this lying around shit?
- What should we do, moron?
War's over. Wormer dropped the big one.
What? "Over"?
Did you say "over"?
Nothing's over until we decide it is!
Was it over when the Germans
bombed Pearl Harbor?
Hell, no!
- Germans?
- Forget it, he's rolling.
And it ain't over now.
'Cause when the going gets tough...
The tough get going! Who's with me?
Let's go! Come on!
What the fuck happened
to the Delta I used to know?
Where's the spirit?
Where's the guts?
This could be the greatest night
of our lives...
but you're gonna let it be the worst.
"We're afraid to go with you, Bluto.
We might get in trouble."
Just kiss my ass from now on.
Not me! I won't take this!
Wormer is a dead man!
- Marmalard: Dead! Neidermeyer...
- Dead.
Bluto's right.
Psychotic...
but absolutely right.
We got to take these bastards.
We could fight them
with conventional weapons.
That could take years...
cost millions of lives.
In this case...
I think we have to go all out.
I think this situation absolutely requires...
a really futile and stupid gesture...
be done on somebody's part.
We're just the guys to do it.
Let's do it.
Let's do it!
Go! Go! Go!
Tommy?
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Larry.
Remember me? I took you to the party.
Wait a minute.
So how come you show up now?
I didn't expect to see you.
I never got a chance to say good night
to you after the party.
They almost pumped my stomach.
Can we take a walk or something?
- What do you mean, "or something"?
- I could get some beer.
Not tonight, okay?
Besides, you might get lucky without it.
Before we go any further,
there's something I have to tell you.
I lied to you. I've never done this before.
You've never made out with a girl before?
I've never done what I think we're
going to do in a minute. I sort of did once...
That's okay. Neither have I.
Besides...
I lied, too.
Yeah? What about?
I'm only 13.
Hi, there!
Marvellous day.
Excuse me, please. Pardon me.
Off that mailbox!
That's government property. Move it.
Would you hold this?
Thank you.
My kid can't see.
Can he stand in front of you?
No.
Hoover!
Where's Boon?
I don't think you should stay around here.
What are you talking about?
We all got expelled last night.
What?
Why?
Where's Boon?
Listen to me.
I think you'd be glad later
if you weren't here now.
May I have 10,000 marbles, please?
Testing.
It gives me great pleasure to present...
this ceremonial gold-plated whistle...
to this year's honorary grand marshal...
Dean Vernon Wormer.
Mr. Marshal...
the streets of Faber are yours.
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
Let's go.
Sequence! Hut!
Faber!
Thank you, God!
Those guys are coming pretty fast.
- What the fuck's going on?
- I don't know.
Let's stop this now. Charge!
Get up, you faggots! Charge!
Stand up and fight, for Christ's sake!
Faggots!
Remain calm.
All is well.
Cut the cake!
Look!
Oh, my God!
Let's take the cheese.
I hate those guys.
Ramming speed!
Oh, boy, is this great!
All is well!
You can take your thumb
out of my ass any time now.
Remain...
This may seem an inopportune moment
to ask, Dean Wormer...
but do you think
you could give us one more chance?
ROBERT HOOVER '63- PUBLIC DEFENDER
BALTIMORE, MARYLAND
Daddy! Mom!
This is Larry Kroger...
the boy who molested me last month.
We have to get married.
We should discuss this some other time, sir.
LAWRENCE KROGER '66- EDITOR
NATIONAL LAMPOON MAGAZINE
Come out of there!
Come on out, you bastards!
Who is it?
You know damn well!
I'm sorry. You'll have to come
back later. I'm doing the dishes.
Look at my thumb.
Gee, you're dumb.
GREGORY MARMALARD '63
NIXON WHITE HOUSE AIDE
RAPED IN PRISON, 1974
ERIC STRATTON '63- GYNAECOLOGIS BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA
Bye!
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Neidermeyer!
DOUGLAS C. NEIDERMEYER '63
KILLED IN VIETNAM BY HIS OWN TROOPS
KENT DORFMAN '66
SENSITIVITY TRAINER
ENCOUNTER GROUPS OF CLEVELAND, INC
DANIEL SIMPSON DAY '63
WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN
Don't you guys think
you've had enough?
Okay, now I'm really mad.
Now you've had it!
Officer, please, for God's sake,
they're looting the Food King!
Come back and fight!
No prisoners!
BOON AND KATY - MARRIED 1964
DIVORCED 1969
BARBARA SUE JANSEN '63- TOUR GUIDE
UNIVERSAL STUDIOS, HOLLYWOOD
SENATOR & MRS. JOHN BLUTARSKY
WASHINGTON, D.C.