Nearlyweds (2013) Movie Script
OH!
THERE'S ONE QUESTION
I ASK EVERY COUPLE
THAT COMES TO ME
TO GET MARRIED:
"DO YOU WANT A WEDDING
OR DO YOU WANT A MARRIAGE?"
THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN THE TWO.
WEDDINGS ARE EASY,
AND THE ONLY WORRY YOU HAVE
IN YOUR LIFE AT THIS MOMEN IS IF THE FLOWERS ARE PERFECT.
THINGS ARE NEW AND EXCITING,
AND YOU'RE THE CENTER
OF ATTENTION...
NO PEEKING.
MARK!
YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO SEE ME
BEFORE THE WEDDING.
IT'S BAD LUCK.
AW...
BUT I JUST COULDN' WAIT ANOTHER SECOND
TO SEE YOU.
SO...
HOW'D I DO?
IS THIS THE WEDDING
OF YOUR DREAMS, OR WHAT?
IT'S PERFECT.
YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I WANT.
I KNOW WHAT I WANT.
[REVEREND MIKE]:
A WEDDING IS A CELEBRATION
FOR THE FAMILIES
OF THE BRIDE AND GROOM
TO COME TOGETHER AS ONE.
THEY SAY
EVERY PEARL A BRIDE WEARS...
REPRESENTS
A TEAR SHE'S GOING TO SHED.
THEY SAY WEARING BLACK
TO A WEDDING
REPRESENTS A MOTHER-IN-LAW
WHO'S NEVER GOING TO BE ALLOWED
TO MEET HER FUTURE
GRANDCHILDREN.
YOU'RE TOTALLY
MAKING THAT UP!
[REV. MIKE]:
WEDDINGS ARE CELEBRATING
THE BEST IN A COUPLE,
BUT A MARRIAGE IS ABOU RECOGNIZING AND UNDERSTANDING
EACH OTHER'S FLAWS...
IT WON'T GO UP.
SUCK IT IN,
SWEETHEART.
...AND WEAKNESSES.
OH, NO! I'M TOO FAT!
I'M TOO FAT FOR THIS DRESS!
I'M JUST A BIG, FAT PIG,
AND NICK IS NOT GONNA
WANT TO MARRY ME,
AND IT'S ALL OVER, AND I...
ARGH!
I HATE
THIS STUPID-UGLY STUPID DRESS!
[GOWN ZIPS UP]
IT WAS JUS CAUGHT ON A SNAG.
[GASPS]: YAY!
I LOVE MY DRESS!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[REV. MIKE]: BUT NO MATTER
HOW DIFFERENT THE WEDDING
OR HOW DIFFERENT THE BRIDE,
EVERYBODY WANTS
THE SAME THING...
TO BE SWEPT AWAY
IN THE JOY OF THE OCCASION
AND TO SAY...
I DO.
I DO.
I DO.
THEN, BY THE POWER
VESTED IN ME,
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU
HUSBAND AND WIFE.
YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.
FINALLY. [CHUCKLES]
[REV. MIKE]: BUT WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN THE PARTY'S OVER
AND ALL THAT'S LEF ARE THE TWO OF YOU,
TOGETHER,
TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?
[FAMILY AND FRIENDS CHEERING]
[ROARS]: YES!
[REV. MIKE]:
IT TAKES COMMITMENT,
COMPROMISE,
COMMUNICATION,
TO MAKE A MARRIAGE
LAST A LIFETIME.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU
A LITTLE SECRET.
THERE IS MORE JOY TO BE FOUND
IN BEING MARRIED
THAN THERE WAS
IN GETTING MARRIED,
AS LONG AS YOU HAVE LOVE.
WITH LOVE,
EVERYTHING IS GOING TO
BE ALL R... [GASPS]
[GULPS]
[THUD]
REVEREND MIKE!
[PUPPY YAPPING]
COFFEE TIME
- HEY!
- HI.
HELLO,
MRS. PORTERSON.
OH, ALOHA, MRS. MILLER.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
I'VE ONLY GOT A FEW
MINUTES BETWEEN ROUNDS.
THEY HAVE US INTERNS
ON SHORT BREAKS
AND LATE SHIFTS.
I'VE BARELY SEEN DAVID
SINCE OUR HONEYMOON.
MM. THE DAYS OF
CANDLELIGHT DINNERS
AND SLEEPING IN
ARE OVER.
YES. THANK THE LORD
FOR CAFFEINE.
THOSE LOOK
GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT.
YEAH, IF YOU LIKE
LIVER AND PEANUTS.
MM. LIVER I CAN HANDLE,
PEANUT WOULD KILL ME.
STAY BACK!
WE DON'T WAN A REPEAT OF WHAT HAPPENED
DURING SORORITY RUSH.
YES, ME COLLAPSING
ON THE FLOOR
IN ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK
PROBABLY WOULD NO BE GOOD FOR BUSINESS.
HAVE YOU HEARD FROM STELLA?
I THOUGHT SHE WAS
GETTING BACK
FROM HER HONEYMOON
LAST NIGHT.
[DOOR BELL JINGLES]:
HELLO!
WELL, IF IT ISN' SADIE AND SADIE,
THE MARRIED LADIES.
HI!
- HI!
- HI.
[ALL GUSHING AND GIGGLING]
CAN YOU BELIEVE
WE DID THIS?
WE'RE ACTUALLY MARRIED!
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE PULLED OFF
THREE WEDDINGS
IN ONE MONTH.
I'M JUST GLAD
THEY'RE OVER.
OH! ACTUALLY,
THAT REMINDS ME.
I'M JUST GONNA RETURN
MY "SOMETHING BORROWED."
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
THANK YOU,
BY THE WAY.
THAT GARTER WAS A HIT.
HOW WAS YOUR HONEYMOON?
I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN
TO DESCRIBE
HOW AMAZING ST. TROPEZ
IS IN THE SUMMERTIME.
IT WAS JUST SO...
[GRUNTS]: AH!
WHO AM I KIDDING?
MARK AND I DIDN' LEAVE OUR HOTEL ROOM.
WHAT ABOU YOU AND DAVID?
HOW WAS HAWAII?
OH, GUYS, COME ON!
DON'T YOU DARE FEEL BAD FOR ME.
I'M GOING TO
GO ON A HONEYMOON, TOO,
JUST AS SOON AS NICK LANDS
THE PIEDMONT ACCOUNT.
I MEAN, DO YOU THINK,
IF WE COULD AFFORD A HONEYMOON,
WE'D BE LIVING IN
A STUDIO APARTMENT DOWNSTAIRS?
SPEAKING OF MOVING,
ARE YOU ALL MOVED
INTO THE NEW PLACE?
OH, DAVID AND I HAVE BEEN
LIVING OUT OF BOXES FOR WEEKS.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
BUT, TONIGHT,
WHEN I GET HOME FROM WORK,
WE ARE FINALLY GOING TO
GET SETTLED IN.
IN FACT,
THAT'S IT FOR ME, GIRLS.
BACK TO THE HOSPITAL.
YEAH, GO.
- I'LL SEE YOU SOON.
- YEAH.
- BYE, BABE.
- BYE.
- WELCOME HOME.
- THANK YOU.
OH! YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT REMINDS ME,
I HAVE TO
GET A MOVE-ON, TOO.
I AM BRINGING NICK
HIS LUNCH TODAY.
OH?
WE ARE HAVING...
A ROMANTIC MEAL TOGETHER.
OOH-LA-LA!
NOTHING SAYS "ROMANCE"
LIKE A "WORM" T-SHIR AND EATING LUNCH AT A DESK.
OH, WELL...
THEY GAVE ME ONE
FOR EARMITE MEDICINE, TOO.
SHOULD...
SHOULD I CHANGE?
- NO, I'M KIDDING!
- I'LL CHANGE.
I'M KI...
NO, I WAS KIDDING.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL
THE WAY YOU ARE.
[LAUGHS]: LET'S GO.
I GOT TO LOCK UP.
OH, MY GOSH! CASEY?
ANNA! HE... OH!
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]: HEY.
HEY-HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE...
AT MY HUSBAND'S OFFICE?
I'M INTERVIEWING
TO BE HIS NEW ASSISTANT!
REALLY?
OH, DON'T WORRY,
SILLY.
I HAVEN'T THOUGHT THAT WAY
ABOUT NICK
SINCE I DUMPED HIM
BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL, REMEMBER?
OH... I REMEMBER.
IT WAS RIGHT AFTER
THE TWO OF YOU WERE CROWNED
"PROM KING AND QUEEN."
AND I COULD NO HAVE DONE I WITHOUT MY LITTLE
PROJECT MANAGER.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU BET.
ANNA DELANO!
IS THAT YOU?
NICKY, BABY!
YOU LOOK AMAZING!
YOU HAVEN' CHANGED A BIT!
HEY, I'M HERE, TOO.
HEY, CASE.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE, BABE?
UM, I-I BROUGHT LUNCH.
OH. WAS THAT TODAY?
I TOTALLY FORGOT.
I LEFT A NOTE THIS MORNING,
ON YOUR STEERING WHEEL.
YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
I JUST...
I'VE BEEN COMPLETELY SWAMPED.
I HAD NO IDEA
IT WAS GONNA BE THIS COMPLICATED
HIRING A SECRETARY.
YEAH, I MEAN, SURE,
YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE
YOU HIRE THE RIGHT PERSON...
SOMEONE WITH
LOTS OF EXPERIENCE...
SECRETARIAL EXPERIENCE,
I MEAN.
OH, CASEY,
YOU REMEMBER ANNA, DON'T YOU?
MM-HMM.
SHE'S HERE TO INTERVIEW
FOR THE JOB,
OUR ARCHITECT RECOMMENDED HER.
SMALL WORLD, RIGHT?
YEAH. [FORCED CHUCKLE]
THANKS FOR
UNDERSTANDING, BABE.
CAN I GET A RAINCHECK?
OH! SURE. I...
I REALLY SHOULD BE GETTING
BACK TO THE STORE ANYWAY.
I WILL SEE YOU AT HOME...
HUSBAND,
DEAR HUSBAND OF MINE.
CIAO.
OH, HEY, CASE?
YES?
COULD YOU...
COULD YOU LEAVE THE FOOD?
WHAT?
I'M STARVED.
OH. OH! SURE.
THANKS. LOVE YOU!
DO I SMELL
MEATBALLS?
OH, YOU LIKE MEATBALLS?
LOVE THEM!
AWESOME! WELL, WE CAN
HAVE SOME IN MY OFFICE.
OH, MY GOSH!
YOU HAVE AN OFFICE?
- YEAH.
- OH, MY GOSH!
[MARK]:
STELLA, I'M HOME.
WHERE'S
MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE?
I'M IN HERE!
HELLO.
SAY IT AGAIN.
"IT AGAIN."
NO, THAT I'M YOUR WIFE.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
MWAH! WELL, WIFE...
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN HERE?
WELL, I WAS JUS TRYING TO FIGURE OU WHAT TO DO WITH THE ROOM,
AND I THINK
I CAME UP A DECISION.
YES?
I WAS THINKING
MAYBE, UM, SHELVES OVER HERE,
AND A FILING CABINET HERE,
AND THEN MAYBE A DESK
FOR HERE, BY THE WINDOW.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
FOR MY OFFICE!
DO YOU THINK THE DESK
SHOULD MAYBE BE SOMEWHERE ELSE?
YEAH. IN ANOTHER ROOM.
THIS IS GOING TO
BE THE NURSERY.
FOR WHAT? PLANTS?
THE BABY.
WHAT BABY?
OUR BABY.
OH, WE HAVE A BABY?
NOT YET,
BUT HOPEFULLY SOON.
MARK.
MARK, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, WE ALWAYS SAID
THAT WE WERE GOING TO
START TRYING
WHEN WE GOT MARRIED.
YEAH,
BUT NOT THREE WEEKS AFTER.
I WAS THINKING MORE LIKE
IN A COUPLE OF YEARS.
MM...
WHY WAIT?
[SHE CHUCKLES]
HEY, DAVID?
YEAH?
I THINK THE MOVERS
MADE A MISTAKE.
THIS BOX IS FILLED WITH
CAT FIGURINES AND MOTHBALLS,
AND SOME DUSTY OLD CANDY.
I, UH, I THINK, UH...
I THINK THAT ONE
MAY BE... MY MOM'S.
WELL, WHY WOULD
YOUR MOTHER'S STUFF
BE MIXED IN
WITH OUR BOXES?
HMM?
NO.
NO WAY!
YOUR MOTHER'S NO MOVING IN WITH US.
ERIN, IT'S ONLY GONNA BE
FOR A FEW MONTHS.
MAYBE A YEAR, TOPS.
WHY ON EARTH WOULD
YOUR MOTHER MOVE IN WITH US?
YOU REMEMBER
HOW DEPRESSED SHE GO AFTER THE WEDDING?
SHE DECIDED
TO COMPLETELY GU HER CONDO.
I MEAN, NEW KITCHEN,
NEW BATHROOM,
AND THEN SHE ASKED
IF SHE COULD MOVE...
IN WITH US.
AND YOU AGREED?
HOW COULD YOU
LET THIS HAPPEN?
I KNOW, I KNOW,
BUT SHE'S MY MOM.
I MEAN, SHE GAVE US
THE DOWNPAYMENT FOR THIS HOUSE.
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO TELL HER?
TELL HER
TO CHECK IN TO A HOTEL.
COME ON, ERIN!
NO, DAVID. I'VE BEEN
MORE THAN ACCOMMODATING
WHEN IT COMES TO
YOUR MOTHER'S ANTICS,
BUT THIS IS
TOO MUCH.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
HER "ANTICS"?
DID I SAY ANYTHING
WHEN SHE STARTED CRYING
AT OUR REHEARSAL DINNER
BECAUSE SHE WAS, QUOTE,
"LOSING HER ONLY CHILD FOREVER?"
NO.
DID I SAY ANYTHING
WHEN SHE SHOWED UP
TO OUR WEDDING
DRESSED LIKE A SICILIAN WIDOW?
- NO.
- DID I SAY ANYTHING...
WHEN SHE INTERRUPTED
OUR FIRST DANCE
AND STARTED ASKING US
WHEN WE WERE
GOING TO STAR TRYING TO CONCEIVE?
NO, BUT SHE'S...
FACE IT, DAVID.
SHE MANIPULATED YOU
INTO DOING THIS.
HANG ON A SECOND.
MY MOTHER
DOES NOT MANIPULATE ME.
[DOOR OPENS]: DAVID!
YOO-HOO! DAVID!
I'M HOME!
OH, THERE YOU TWO
LOVEBIRDS ARE.
THIS HOUSE
IS JUST DARLING.
MY SON'S FIRST HOME!
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!
NOW, WHERE'S
THE TELEVISION?
JEOPARDY'S ON.
OH.
ERIN, DEAR.
I'M SURE YOU WAN TO, UH, MAKE YOURSELF
PRESENTABLE BEFORE DINNER.
[SIGHS]
NICE TO SEE YOU TOO, RENEE.
UM...
DAVID MENTIONED TO ME
THAT YOU WOULD LIKE
TO COME STAY WITH US.
I KNOW!
ISN'T IT FUN?
[FORCED CHUCKLED]
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ALWAYS
WELCOME IN OUR HOME,
BUT SEEING AS WE HAVEN' UNPACKED OURSELVES...
DON'T WORRY, DEAR.
I KNOW YOU NEWLYWEDS
NEED YOUR PRIVACY.
I'LL STAY OUT OF
YOUR HAIR.
HMM. OKAY. UM...
THIS IS THE FIRST I'VE
HEARD ABOUT THIS, RENEE.
CALL ME "MOM"!
RENEE, I'M SO SORRY.
YOU CANNOT LIVE HERE.
OH.
'COURSE,
I UNDERSTAND, DEAR.
I'LL LEAVE AT ONCE.
[FRUSTRATED SIGH]
[SIGHS RESENTFULLY]
I THINK ALL THE SHELTERS ARE
PROBABLY CLOSED FOR THE NIGHT,
BUT I THINK SOMEWHERE
I COULD FIND A...
[VOICE CRACKS]: ...A PARK BENCH
TO HUDDLE ON.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU HAVE
TO SLEEP ON A PARK BENCH.
NO, NO. YOU DON'T WANT AN...
[SNIFFS, THEN SOBS]
...AN OLD... [WEEPS]
...LONELY WIDOW
INTRUDING ON YOUR HAPPINESS.
[GROANS THEATRICALLY]
MOM?
ARE YOU OKAY?
[RENEE]:
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, DEAR.
GIVE ME THIS.
I'LL BE FINE. [SIGHS]
OKAY, I'M GOING TO
HELP YOU TO YOUR ROOM.
ALL RIGHT.
[SIGHS, FRAUGHT]
WE WOULD
LOVE TO HAVE YOU.
[CONSOLINGLY]:
YOU'RE OKAY.
[SIGHS]
[BOXING MATCH PLAYS
ON TELEVISION]
HEY, NICK.
[MOUTH FULL]: HEY, GORGEOUS.
[TURNS VOLUME OFF]
WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
WHAT'S IN MY HAND?
NICK, YOU KNOW I'M OFF CARBS.
OH! OH, SORRY,
WAS THAT A...
WAS THAT A REAL THING?
[LAUGHS]: YEAH.
NO, IT'S FINE.
I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY ANYWAY.
OH, JUST PLEASE TELL ME
YOU FIXED THE FAUCETS
IN THE BATHROOM.
BECAUSE I AM
COVERED IN DOG DROOL
AND I NEED TO SCRUB
EVERY INCH OF MY BODY.
YUP, ALL FIXED.
OKAY.
[TURNS VOLUME ON]
OH! WHAT?
[YELLS]: NICK!
YEAH?
[TURNS VOLUME OFF]
UM...
WHAT IS THIS... DEAR?
OH, IT'S GREAT,
ISN'T IT?
LOOK, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS MAKE SURE
THIS METAL NUB HERE
IS CLAMPED DOWN,
AND THEN YOU TWIST.
AND IF YOU WANT IT HOTTER,
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS BRING IT BACK
AND TWIST AGAIN. HERE.
[CREAKING]
[SHOWER PELTING]
OH, WOW, THAT...
THAT IS VERY...
RESOURCEFUL.
YEAH.
I, UH, FIXED THE DRIP
IN THE SINK, TOO.
SO THERE'S
NO PLUMBER COMING?
BABY, WHY WOULD WE
SPEND MONEY ON A PLUMBER
IF I CAN FIX I MYSELF, HUH?
YOU'RE WELCOME.
[GRUNTS]
BETTER?
MUCH.
HEY, WHO DID YOU
END UP HIRING
AS YOUR NEW ASSISTANT?
ANNA. DUH.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE
KIDDING ME!
WHY? WHAT'S WRONG
WITH ANNA?
SERIOUSLY?
ANNA DELANO?
WITH THE LINGERING HUGS
AND THE MEATBALLS
AND THE...
SHE WAS HUNGRY.
I WAS HUNGRY, NICK!
[STYROFOAM CRUNCHING]
WHA... WHY IS THIS
A BIG DEAL?
BECAUSE YOU DATED HER
FOR THREE YEARS!
IN HIGH SCHOOL!
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL
ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL.
SEVEN YEARS AGO!
SHE TORMENTED ME!
AND SHE BROKE MY HEART...
SHE BROKE YOUR HEART?
WELL... [SIGHS]
SHE WAS MY FIRST LOVE.
YOU KNOW THAT.
OH, COME ON, BABE.
THAT WAS JUST PUPPY-LOVE.
NOT LIKE US...
WE GOT BIG-DOG LOVE.
I'M TALKING LABRADOR-LOVE.
NO. GREAT DANE-LOVE.
OKAY? COME HERE.
WELL, THAT'S NO THE POINT, NICK!
THEN WHAT'S THE POINT?
YOU'RE JEALOUS?
[SCOFFS BITTERLY]
YOU... COME ON, CASE.
SHE'S THE BEST SECRETARY
I SAW.
SHE CAN TYPE,
AND PLUS, SHE'S WILLING
TO WORK LONG HOURS.
OH, I BET SHE IS!
WHAT WAS THA SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
YOU KNOW WHAT,
FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF.
YOU'RE GOOD AT THAT.
DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'RE OVERREACTING JUST A BIT?
[CASEY TURNS ON WATER,
SHRIEKS IN TERROR]
[SHUTS WATER OFF]
[BLURTS]: AM I?
CASEY, ANNA PALES IN...
[SNICKERING]:
...COMPARISON TO YOU.
WHAT... WHAT...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I JUST CAN' LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW.
AND SINCE WE DON' HAVE A BEDROOM
WITH A DOOR
THAT I CAN SHUT,
I'M GONNA GO SLEEP
UPSTAIRS IN THE STORE.
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA
LET YOU SLEEP
IN THE DOGHOUSE
ALL NIGHT.
FINE! THEN YOU GO!
FINE!
WHA... WHAT? N... NO! I...
FINE! BUT CAN I AT LEAS PUT PANTS ON FIRST?
NO!
[NICK FUMES]
[WORDS CATCH, SIGHS]
ARE YOU
OPENING MY MAIL?
OH, SILLY ME.
I FORGOT THERE ARE
TWO "MRS. MILLERS"
IN THE HOUSE NOW.
CAN I HAVE
MY MAIL, PLEASE?
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT IS IT?
ARE YOU BEING SUED
FOR MALPRACTICE?
WHAT? NO.
IT'S NOTHING.
[BELL JINGLES]
THANKS.
[DOOR CREAKS AND JINGLES SHUT]
[PHONE RINGS]
HEY, CASEY.
STELLA,
DID YOU GET THE LETTER?
WHAT LETTER?
YOU NEED TO CHECK
YOUR MAIL NOW!
LOOK FOR A LETTER
FROM THE COUNTY
CLERK'S OFFICE.
OH, WHAT? DID OUR MARRIAGE
LICENSES FINALLY GET DELIVERED?
I'D LAUGH AT THAT STATEMEN IF I WASN'T DYING INSIDE.
- [SNAPS]: HEY! NO FREE SAMPLES!
- [DOG WHINES]
ERIN'S ON HER WAY,
SO YOU'D BETTER GE YOUR BUTT OVER HERE, PRONTO.
[CLAPS PHONE SHU AND HUFFS]
"THIS IS TO INFORM YOU
THAT YOUR MARRIAGE LICENSE..."
"...WAS NO PROPERLY SIGNED
AND FILED IN ACCORDANCE
WITH STATE LAW."
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
IT MEANS WE'RE IN TROUBLE.
NONE OF US
ARE LEGALLY MARRIED.
I CANNOT BELIEVE
THAT REVEREND MIKE IS DEAD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DIED
BEFORE SIGNING ANY OF
OUR MARRIAGE LICENSES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
NONE OF US ARE
ACTUALLY MARRIED.
HOW COULD THIS
HAPPEN?
WE NEEDED
REVEREND MIKE'S SIGNATURES
ON THE LICENSES
TO MAKE THEM LEGAL.
IT SAYS HE HAD A MONTH'S WORTH
OF BACKLOGGED PAPERWORK
WAITING TO BE SIGNED.
AND WE ALL JUS HAD TO BE...
[TOGETHER, BITTERLY]:
...JUNE BRIDES.
THIS IS
UNBELIEVABLE.
WELL, WE'D BETTER BELIEVE IT,
AND WE BETTER FIGURE OUT WHA WE'RE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT.
OH, WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
I'M GONNA CALL MARK
AND GET HIM TO MEET ME
AT THE COURTHOUSE
THIS MINUTE
SO I CAN DO THIS WHOLE
THING OVER AGAIN.
I'M IN NO RUSH
TO MARRY DAVID AGAIN,
AFTER I FOUND OUT THA HE AND "MOMMIE DEAREST"
ARE A PACKAGE DEAL.
I CAN'T TELL NICK.
AFTER THE FIGH WE HAD LAST NIGHT,
I DON'T KNOW
IF HE'LL MARRY ME AGAIN.
HONEY, WHAT HAPPENED?
HE HIRED EVIL ANNA
AS HIS NEW SECRETARY.
- NO.
- [DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
WHO'S ANNA?
I AM!
[ALL]: ANNA!
[DOOR JINGLES]
WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME?
[STAMMERS] UH...
THAT IS SO SWEET!
SO, WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?
OH!
I FOUND THIS LITTLE GUY
ON THE STREE AND HE STARTED
FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE,
JUST LIKE NICK USED TO DO
IN HIGH SCHOOL. REMEMBER?
SO, I CALLED NICK.
OF COURSE YOU DID.
AND HE TOLD ME
THAT YOU RUN A POUND!
I DON' RUN A "POUND."
OR A SHELTER OR WHATEVER,
SO... HERE YOU GO!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"HERE YOU GO"?
I MEAN, TAKE HIM.
HE'S YOURS.
OOH...
HMM?
OH... UM...
NO, THANKS.
PEANUT ALLERGY.
OH, GOOD. MM.
I DON'T RUN A POUND.
BUT YOU'RE GOING TO
TAKE THE DOG, RIGHT?
-NO.
-YES.
-NO.
- YES.
- NO.
YES.
NO-O-O.
OKAY THEN, WHATEVER YOU SAY.
[DOOR CREAKS AND JINGLES]
HA! I WIN!
CASE, YOU DO KNOW
SHE LEFT THE DOG, RIGHT?
WHAT?
[WHINES]
I TOLD YOU SHE WAS EVIL!
TRUE...
BUT HE IS ADORABLE!
HELLO. COME HERE.
HI-I-I!
YOU ARE SO CUTE'N'PUFFY!
YOU'RE A LITTLE PUFFY-WUFFY,
AREN'T YOU?
OH, YOU'RE JUS MY LITTLE CUDDLEPUFF!
WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW, I MEAN,
I CAN'T KEEP HIM.
MY LANDLORD
BARELY TOLERATES
DOGS COMING
INTO THE STORE.
WELL, YOU CAN' SEND HIM TO THE POUND.
NO. UNTIL I TRACK DOWN
HIS REAL OWNER,
I'LL JUST HAVE TO
FIND SOMEONE TO KEEP HIM.
[CHILD-LIKE SING-SONG]:
YOU ARE SO CUTE
YOU ARE MY LITTLE BABY
I'M GONNA DRESS YOU UP
IN ALL SORTS OF CLOTHES.
[DOG YAPS]
COME ON!
GIVE ME LITTLE KISSES.
HELLO!
[GASPS] HI!
HI! [GIGGLES]
ARE YOU THIRSTY, BABY?
WANT ME TO GET YOU SOME WATER?
GO ON.
OH! YOU'RE SO CUTE.
OH, YAY. WE CAN FINALLY USE
SOME OF THE WEDDING CHINA.
DON'T TELL MARK
THAT I'M GIVING A DOG
THIS BOWL, OKAY?
ACTUALLY...
I THINK IT'S THE UGLIEST THING
I'VE EVER SEEN.
HIS AUNT ERIKA
SENT IT TO US.
BUT DON'T TELL HIM THAT, EITHER.
[SIGHS HAPPILY]: BUT YOU CAN
MAKE ANYTHING LOOK CUTE,
COULDN'T YOU,
LITTLE PUFFY-WUFFY?
'CAUSE YOU'RE JUST THE CUTES LITTLE BABY I'VE EVER SE...
PUFFY!
WHAT DID YOU DO?
[LINE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING OVER BLARING TV]
[RINGING]
[RENEE]: HELLO?
[TV CONTINUES PLAYING]
ERIN, IS THAT YOU?
RENEE?
CALL ME "MOM."
WHO ELSE WOULD BE
ANSWERING YOUR PHONE
THIS TIME OF NIGHT?
MY HUSBAND MIGHT.
OH, HE'S BEEN
ASLEEP SINCE 8:00.
HE WORKS SO HARD
AT THE OFFICE,
AND PITCHES IN
AROUND HERE, TOO,
SINCE YOU'RE ALWAYS TOO BUSY
TO KEEP HOUSE.
[CRUNCHING]
OKAY, WELL,
I NEED TO SPEAK WITH HIM
ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT.
WOULD YOU KNOCK
ON THE BEDROOM DOOR
AND ASK HIM
TO PICK UP THE PHONE?
OH, I JUST COULDN'T.
BUT I'LL TELL HIM YOU CALLED
WHEN HE WAKES UP
TOMORROW MORNIN'.
HOW'S THAT?
RENEE, I NEED...
YOU KNOW,
DAVID AND I HAD
THE MOST WONDERFUL
TIME TOGETHER TONIGHT.
WE SA IN THE LIVIN' ROOM,
AND JUST CHATTED
AND TALKED, AND...
AH, IT WAS JUS LIKE OLD TIMES.
MAY I SPEAK WITH MY HUSBAND?
PLEASE?
DON'T BE SELFISH, DARLING.
[FUMES IN RAGE]
[PHONE BEEPS]
[TV BLARING]
[CACKLES]
[MARK]:
STELLA? I'M HOME!
[DOG STARTS YAPPING,
MARK YELPS]
[STUMBLING, FEROCIOUS BARKING]
[ROARS]: STELLA!
[BARKING]
STELLA!
STELLA, GET THIS THING
OFF OF ME!
STELLA!
GET IT OFF OF ME!
WHAT THE...
GET IT OFF!
PUFFY!
- [MARK WHIMPERS]
- PUFFY!
- [YAPPING]
- COME HERE.
GET IT...
[GRUNTS]
OH! HE LIKES YOU!
WHAT IS THAT...
CREATURE DOING IN HERE?
IT'S A LONG STORY.
UM, YOU'RE NO ALLERGIC TO DOGS, RIGHT?
NO.
OH, THAT'S GOOD!
BUT I HATE THEM.
OH, NOT SO GOOD. WHY?
[TINKLING]
NO SELF-CONTROL.
[STIFLES LAUGHTER]
PUFFY! NO!
[NICK SIGHS WEARILY]
HEY, BEAUTIFUL.
HEY.
HOW WAS WORK?
AW, COME ON, CASE.
I'M SORRY IF I UPSET YOU
BY HIRING ANNA.
I KNOW YOU TWO DIDN' GET ALONG IN HIGH SCHOOL.
SHE TORTURED ME. DAILY.
SHE'S A DIFFERENT PERSON NOW,
I SWEAR.
[SCOFFS]
YOU HUNGRY?
I BROUGHT YOU SOME DINNER BACK
FROM THE WHITE BIRCH.
ARE YOU TRYING TO
BUY MY FORGIVENESS WITH FOOD?
IS IT... WORKING?
DEPENDS ON
IF YOU ALSO BROUGHT ME DESSERT.
[DOOR CREAKS]
DAVID?
[WHISPERS]:
GOOD NIGHT, SWEETHEART.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT A DOG
WITHOUT CONSULTING ME FIRST.
WELL, I MEAN, I DIDN' ACTUALLY "GET" HIM,
WE'RE JUST TAKING CARE
OF HIM FOR A FEW DAYS
UNTIL WE FIND HIS OWNERS.
PLEASE?
HOW COULD I SAY NO TO YOU?
[LAUGHS]
GO AHEAD.
I SAW I AND I THOUGHT OF YOU.
- WHAT IS IT?
- MM.
IS IT A PASHMINA?
MM-MM, MM-MM, MM-MM, MM
IS IT SOMETHING
NAUGHTY?
MM-HMM.
WOW...
I THINK IT'S
A LITTLE SMALL FOR ME.
IT'S FOR OUR BABY, SILLY.
[SNICKERS]
MARK.
WE JUST GOT MARRIED
A MONTH AGO.
YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY
THINK WE'RE READY
TO START TRYING.
I'M READY,
AND I'M NOT GETTING
ANY YOUNGER.
OH! YOU'RE SERIOUS?
MM-HMM.
I DON'T WANT TO
HAVE A BABY YET.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE
MY CLOCK IS TICKING.
I'M ONLY 27!
AND THE YOUNGER YOU ARE,
THE MORE YOUR BODY
WILL RECOVER FROM THE TRAUMA
AND THE QUICKER YOU LOSE
THAT EXCESS BODY WEIGHT.
EXCUSE ME?
[QUICKLY]: I LOVE YOU!
WHAT'S THAT THING
DOING IN HERE?
SHH! BABY IS SLEEPING!
I DON'T WAN AN ANIMAL IN MY BED.
GET HIM OUT!
WELL, YOU CAN' ALWAYS GE WHAT YOU WANT,
CAN YOU?
YOU REMEMBERED
ABOUT THE NO-CARBS.
OF COURSE I DID.
LISTEN,
THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT.
UH-OH.
NO, IT'S NOT BAD.
I MEAN, IT ISN'T GOOD,
BUT IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
IT'S JUST...
WE GOT A LETTER TODAY
FROM THE COUNTY CLERK'S
OFFICE, AND...
WAIT. THAT'S NO YOUR SIGNATURE.
IT'S NO WHAT YOU THINK.
[AGHAST]: YOU HAD
DINNER WITH ANNA?
OKAY, IT IS WHAT YOU THINK.
BUT, UH... I BROUGHT YOU
THE LEFTOVERS!
[PUFF]
I'M IN THE DOGHOUSE AGAIN,
AREN'T I?
LITERALLY.
WANNA PLAY "DOCTOR"?
YES.
I DO.
DAVID?
OOH! OH.
MOM! WHAT THE HECK
ARE YOU DOING?
OH, DON'T MIND ME.
I JUST CAME TO
GET YOUR TROUSERS.
WHAT?
I JUST NEED TO PRESS THEM
BEFORE YOUR BIG MEETING TODAY.
IT'S 6:00 IN THE MORNING,
MOM, COME ON!
I'M SORRY!
I JUST CAN' SLEEP PAST DAWN
SINCE YOUR FATHER DIED.
OKAY, OKAY,
JUST TAKE THE PANTS AND GO.
[AWKWARD CHUCKLING]
OH, HOW DO YOU
WANT YOUR EGGS?
SCRAMBLED!
OKAY.
[CHUCKLES]: OH, GOD.
WHOA, WHOA! HEY!
WAIT! WHERE'RE YOU GOING?
I THOUGHT WE WERE...
MAKING A HOUSE-CALL?
WHY DON'T YOU
HAVE YOUR MOMMY
MAKE AN APPOINTMEN LATER?
ERIN.
ERIN?
OH, SO, I WAS LOOKING
ON THE INTERNET THIS MORNING,
JUST BROWSING,
AND I SAW THA THE CHERAMOYA MUSEUM
HAS AN OPENING
FOR AN ASSISTANT CURATOR.
STELLA,
YOU'D BE PERFECT!
WHO SAYS A DEGREE
IN ART HISTORY
WAS A WASTE
OF TUITION?
I KNOW, RIGHT!
BUT MARK WANTS TO STAR HAVING BABIES RIGHT AWAY.
YOU CAN WAI TO HAVE A BABY.
YEAH, I KNOW, THAT'S
EXACTLY WHAT I SAID.
[LOCKED DOOR RATTLES]
[KNOCKING]
HUH, THAT'S WEIRD.
CASEY WAS SUPPOSED TO
OPEN UP AN HOUR AGO.
LET'S CHECK DOWNSTAIRS.
[KNOCKS AND OPENS DOOR]
CASEY?
I'M OVER HERE.
OH, SWEET LORD...
WHAT HAPPENED?
CASEY?
ARE YOU OKAY?
EVERY TIME I FINISH
A TUBE OF COOKIE DOUGH,
I THINK I'VE REACHED
THE LOW POINT...
AND THEN I FIND
ANOTHER ONE IN THE FREEZER.
IS THAT COOKIE DOUGH
IN YOUR HAIR?
[CREAM-MUFFLED]:
MM. PROBABLY.
WHAT HAPPENED?
[BANGS CAN DOWN]
HE TOOK HER FOR DINNER
AND THEN BROUGHT ME
THE LEFTOVERS.
- NO WAY!
- SHUT UP!
YEAH. I MEAN,
AM I BEING THAT WIFE?
IT'S JUST...
WHEN I SAW HER...
WHEN I THINK OF HER...
I JUST THINK OF HIGH SCHOOL.
AND I KNOW IT'S WRONG AND STUPID
AND I SHOULD BE OVER IT,
BUT SHE'S MORE BEAUTIFUL NOW
THAN SHE EVER WAS.
NOW HE GETS TO SPEND
ALL DAY AT WORK WITH HER,
AND HE WOULDN'T EVEN
TAKE ME ON A HONEYMOON.
CASEY, STOP.
NICK LOVES YOU.
YEAH.
BUT HE DOESN'T NOTICE ME,
NOT WITH ANNA AROUND.
I MEAN, HOW AM I
SUPPOSED TO COMPETE
WITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
WITH THE BOOBS
THAT DON'T NEED A PUSH-UP BRA
AND HER STUPID FACE
THAT LOOKS LIKE IT HAS
MAKE-UP ON I EVEN WHEN IT DOESN'T.
I JUST...
I'M STILL FEEL LIKE
THAT UGLY GIRL
WITH THE FAT CHIN
AND ACNE AND THE...
OH-KAY, CASEY.
LISTEN TO ME
FOR A SECOND.
LOOK, EVEN THOUGH
YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN
A LITTLE... CHUBBY,
YOU WERE STILL
ONE OF THE MOS BEAUTIFUL GIRLS
IN THAT SCHOOL.
YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY
TO THE FAT GIRLS
IN BAD SITCOMS.
OKAY, CASEY, ENOUGH!
OKAY, WHEN I LOOK AT YOU,
I SEE THIS SEXY AND SMAR PROFESSIONAL WOMAN,
AND YOU NEED TO SEE
YOURSELF THAT WAY, TOO.
YOU KNOW WHO COULD
HELP MAKE THAT HAPPEN?
WHO?
[TOGETHER]: SEBASTIEN!
WAIT. WHO IS SEBASTIEN?
STYLISTS! CODE RED!
LET'S GE THIS PARTY STARTED.
SEBASTIEN'S TALKIN'
TOTAL MAKEOVER!
...MARCHIN' TO
THE RHYTHM OF THE DRUM
BUT I HEAR
A DIFFERENT VOICE INSIDE
TELLIN' ME
TO STAND MY GROUND
I'VE NEVER BEEN ONE
TO STAND IN LINE
AND WAIT FOR MY TURN...
SO I'M...
DO BETTER
THAN I'VE EVER DONE
DO BETTER THAN
I'VE EVER DONE...
LADIES, MAY I PRESENT...
CASEY...
2.0!
[ALL APPLAUDING]
NOW LET'S GO SHOPPING!
DO BETTER
THAN I'VE EVER DONE
DO BETTER THAN
I'VE EVER DONE
DO BETTER
THAN I'VE EVER DONE
I'M GONNA SHINE BRIGHTER
THAN I'VE EVER SHONE
I'M GONNA PLAY HARDER
THAN I'VE EVER KNOWN
I'M GONNA SING LOUDER
THAN I'VE EVER SUNG
I'M GONNA DO BETTER
THAN I'VE EVER DONE
I'M GONNA...
OH, ERIN, I WAS
GONNA TELL YOU,
THEY JUST OPENED
A SENIORS' CENTER DOWNTOWN.
MAYBE IT'S SOMETHING
YOU SHOULD LOOK INTO.
OH, THANKS, STELLA,
BUT MY SPECIALTY
IS ACTUALLY PEDIATRICS,
NOT GERIATRICS.
NOT FOR YOUR WORK,
YA GOOBER!
FOR YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW!
THEY'S ALL KINDS OF
GAMES AND ACTIVITIES
FOR OLD PEOPLE.
THAT'S THE BEST IDEA
I'VE EVER HEARD.
MAYBE IF SHE FOUND
SOME NEW FRIENDS,
SHE WOULDN'T BE
SO DEPENDENT ON DAVID.
THE MINUTE
WE'RE DONE HERE,
I'M GOING TO GO
SIGN HER UP
FOR EVERYTHING.
I CAN'T WAI TO SHOW NICK MY NEW LOOK
AND MAKE HIM THINK
ANNA DELANO NEVER EXISTED.
DO ME A FAVOR FIRST?
- YEAH?
- BURN THAT SHIRT.
I LIKE THIS SHIRT.
IT'S UGLY.
[LAUGHS]
HEY, CASEY!
ANNA.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?
OH... GEE, THANKS.
NO! I MEAN, IT LOOKS GOOD.
REALLY. I'M NO JUST SAYING THAT.
CAN I HELP YOU
WITH SOMETHING?
NO, THANK YOU.
DO YOU WANT ME TO GIVE
NICK A MESSAGE FOR YOU?
I DON'T WANT YOU
TO DO ANYTHING...
OOH. OOH...
...EXCEPT FOR YOU
TO MOVE OUT OF MY WAY
AND LET ME SEE MY HUSBAND!
HE'S NOT HERE.
YEAH, RIGHT.
OH.
HE'S IN A MEETING
ABOUT THE PIEDMONT DEAL.
WILL YOU JUST PLEASE
LET HIM KNOW
THAT HE HAS A BIG SURPRISE
WAITING FOR HIM
WHEN HE GETS HOME.
OH, HE'S GOT A REALLY BUSY DAY.
WHO KNOWS
WHEN HE'LL GET HOME?
[FORCED CHUCKLE]
- BYE, CASEY!
- MM-HMM.
THIS MAC-AND-CHEESE
IS AMAZING.
I USED
SHAVED PECORINO
AND JUST A DASH
OF TRUFFLE OIL.
I KNOW YOU'D BE SATISFIED
WITH THAT ORANGE ATROCITY
THAT COMES OUT OF A BOX,
BUT... [SIGHS GRANDLY]
YOU KNOW ME,
DELUSIONS OF JULIA CHILD.
I'LL ADMIT IT,
YOU'RE DELUSIONAL.
[CLEARS HIS THROAT]
YOU KNOW, I HAPPEN
TO LIKE THE ORANGE STUFF.
AND ERIN
IS TOO BUSY
SAVING LIVES TO COOK,
SO I WOULD SAY THAT'S
A PRETTY GOOD TRADE.
I'D HARDLY CALL
PASSING OUT ASPIRIN
AND GETTING URINE SAMPLES
"SAVING LIVES."
SO, SOME FUN NEWS,
RENEE...
CALL ME "MOM."
MY FRIEND STELLA
TOLD ME ABOU A NEW SENIOR CENTER
THAT THEY JUST OPENED
ON 6TH STREET,
SO I SIGNED YOU UP
FOR SOME ACTIVITIES.
YOU SIGNED ME UP?
WI... WITHOU CONSULTING ME FIRST?
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT!
THEY HAVE A BRIDGE CLUB,
WATER AEROBICS
A QUILTING CIRCLE...
QUILTING?
EXACTLY HOW ANCIEN DO YOU THINK I AM, DEAR?
OKAY, IF YOU DON' LIKE THAT,
THEN THERE ARE
SOCIAL EVENTS TOO
NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT,
THERE IS A SENIORS'
SINGLE-MINGLE.
WHY, TO EVEN SUGGES THAT I WOULD PARTAKE
IN SOMETHING SO...
TACKY!
OKAY, UH, I'M SORRY.
I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE
FUN FOR YOU TO GO
AND MEE SOME NEW PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER
LEAVE THE HOUSE.
IF I'M SUCH AN IMPOSITION,
I'LL PACK MY BAGS
AND LEAVE TONIGHT,
JUST SAY THE WORD.
NO, MOM.
WE DO NOT... [SIGHS]
DAVID.
THIS WOULD BE
GOOD FOR HER,
AND IT WOULD BE
GOOD FOR US.
I DON'T KNOW.
MOM?
MARK, YOU LOCKED
PUFFY IN THE BASEMENT?
'CAUSE IT WAS
DRIVING ME CRAZY.
SKITTERING
AROUND EVERYWHERE,
DROOLING AND BARKING.
- "HE."
- HUH?
OUR DOG IS A "HE,"
NOT AN "IT."
IT'S NOT OUR DOG!
PUFFY! HI!
HI!
OH, HI!
- [PUFFY WHINES]
- OHH...
IS THIS WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO
WHEN OUR BABY'S
SKITTERING AROUND,
DROOLING AND BARKING?
YOU MEAN CRYING?
WHATEVER.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
WELL, I LEFT THE LIGHT ON.
[CHUCKLES]
NOT FUNNY.
AWW, YOU POOR BABY.
DID MEAN OL' MARK
LOCK YOU IN THE BASEMENT?
IT'S OKAY.
MOMMY'S HERE.
[LAUGHING]
MOMMY'S HERE.
WHAT?
YOU SAID "MOMMY."
I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.
[HUFFS] COME ON, PUFFY.
I THINK YOU AND I
NEED TO HAVE A WALK.
AND NICK GOT HOME
SO LATE FROM WORK,
HE DIDN'T EVEN
NOTICE MY HAIR.
AND THE MAKEUP?
ALREADY WASHED OFF.
HERE, I'LL GO PUT SOME
ACROSS THE STREET.
[STAPLER CLACKS
AS CAR ENGINE ROARS]
STELLA!
[YELPS AS TIRES SCREECH]
I AM SO SORRY!
NO! I AM SO SORRY.
I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK!
NO. I AM SORRY.
ARE YOU... ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, YEAH. I'M FINE.
- ARE YOU SURE?
- YES.
- YOU'RE OKAY?
- I'M OKAY.
YOU KNOW,
YOU COULD STOP TRAFFIC
WITH JUST YOUR SMILE.
THERE'S NO REASON
TO RISK YOUR LIFE, TOO.
BYE.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?
YEAH, I'M FINE.
WELL, IF YOU'RE
GONNA BE RUN OVER,
IT MIGHT AS WELL BE
BY SOMEONE
WHO LOOKS LIKE THAT.
[PHONE RINGS]
IT'S THE CHERAMOYA
MUSEUM!
THE INTERVIEW.
I'M FREAKING OUT.
WHAT DO I DO?
ANSWER IT!
OKAY, OKAY. AHEM!
HELLO?
STELLA SPEAKING.
[HORN BEEPS]
[STELLA]: I CAN'T BELIEVE
THEY WANT TO MEET ME RIGHT AWAY!
CASEY, STEP ON IT.
[STELLA GRUNTING]
ERIN, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR LENDING ME THIS SUIT.
WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE!
LOOK, STELLA,
CALM DOWN.
I CAN'T CALM DOWN.
THE ASSISTANT CURATOR
POSITION AT THE CHERAMOYA
IS MY DREAM JOB,
AND I'M GOING TO MISS IT.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
WE'RE GONNA BE FIVE
MINUTES EARLY. I PROMISE.
YOU DRIVE, YOU CHANGE,
AND I'LL PRAY WE DON'T GE INTO AN ACCIDENT AND DIE.
STELLA!
THANK YOU!
BREAK A LEG.
THANKS, GUYS.
KNOCK 'EM DEAD!
SIR? HUMAN RESOURCES?
THANK YOU.
SORRY.
HI. I'M HERE
FOR THE ASSISTANT CURATOR
POSITION.
[QUIET CONVERSATION IN KITCHEN]
[RENEE CHUCKLES WARMLY]
OH!
- ERIN, YOU'RE HOME.
- HELLO.
JUST IN TIME TO MEE HENRY, MY PARTNER
AT BRIDGE CLUB TODAY.
THAT'S MY DAUGHTER-
IN-LAW, ERIN.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
REALLY. RENEE DIDN'T MENTION
HER SON WAS MARRIED.
HENRY, LET ME
SHOW YOU OUT.
PLEASURE PLAYING WITH YOU
THIS AFTERNOON.
WELL, LOOKS LIKE
THE SINGLE-MINGLES
ARE REALLY PAYING OFF.
ONE BRIDGE GAME,
AND YOU ALREADY HAVE
YOURSELF A BOYFRIEND?
HE'S NO MY BOYFRIEND.
ALL HE DID WAS
DRIVE ME HOME TODAY.
I ACTUALLY HAVE AS LITTLE
INTEREST IN DATING HIM
AS I WOULD IN
EATING YOUR COOKING.
GEEZ, MOM. WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE THE GUY A CHANCE?
SERIOUSLY. HE'S CUTE.
LIKE AN OLDER
JUSTIN BIEBER.
I ONLY LISTEN
TO COUNTRY MUSIC.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
HENRY AND I WON
AT BRIDGE CLUB TODAY.
THE PRIZE WAS A GIFT CERTIFICATE
TO THE WHITE BIRCH.
DINNER FOR TWO.
AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT. HERE.
THANK YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU GO
TOMORROW NIGHT?
THEY HAVE ME WORKING
ANOTHER LATE SHIFT.
OH, GOOD! WE...
"TOMORROW" NOTHING.
GO PUT ON SOME HEELS, BABY.
I'M TAKING YOU OUT TONIGHT.
NO, DAVID,
I DIDN'T MEAN...
MOM, YOU SAID THA THESE WERE FOR ME,
SO I AM GOING TO USE I TO TAKE MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE
OUT FOR
A ROMANTIC DINNER.
JUST THE TWO OF US.
OKAY?
FINE.
I'LL JUST STAY HERE.
ALONE.
HOPIN' NOBODY BREAKS IN
AND KIDNAPS ME.
YOU SHOULD INVITE
YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND OVER.
HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!
OH, DON'T YOU SAY...
OOH...
DON'T YOU SAY A WORD!
MM-HMM. MM-HMM.
[BACKGROUND CHATTER]
[AMBIENT MUSIC, CONVERSATION]
I SAY THE DEAL IS OFF.
I DON'T CARE HOW BIG...
- HI.
- THERE'S MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE.
I'M SO SORRY
I'M LATE.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
- UM..
- IT'S OKAY.
NEVER MIND. I WANT TO
INTRODUCE YOU TO SOME PEOPLE.
STELLA, THIS IS BILL,
HE'S THE HEAD OF ADVERTISING.
HEY, CASE.
OH. YOU'RE HOME EARLY.
[EXHALES]
OH, WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I KNOW...
I LOOK RIDICULOUS.
NO. YOU LOOK...
WOW.
I MEAN...
WOW.
WOW.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
...AND THEN,
THEY ALL DROPPED.
[MEN LAUGHING]
CRAZY. OKAY, EXCUSE ME.
CAN YOU BELIEVE MARK'S
LITTLE BLONDE POODLE?
I KNOW.
IT'S SO OBVIOUS
SHE ONLY MARRIED HIM
FOR HIS MONEY.
MARK DESERVES
SO MUCH BETTER.
I WONDER HOW LONG
BEFORE SHE GETS
HERSELF KNOCKED UP?
YOU KNOW,
TO NULL THE PRE-NUP?
GOLD-DIGGING LITTLE TART.
[WOMAN LAUGHS DERISIVELY]
EXCUSE ME. UM...
BABE, CAN I TALK
TO YOU FOR A SECOND?
STELLA, I'M JUST IN THE MIDDLE
OF A CONVERSATION.
PLEASE.
OKAY. EXCUSE ME.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN
TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT ME?
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
EVERYBODY HERE THINKS
I'M A GOLD-DIGGER
WHO'S TRYING TO TRAP YOU
INTO HAVING A BABY.
WHAT?
YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD
WHAT THEY'RE SAYING
ABOUT ME IN THE BATHROOM.
IT WAS HUMILIATING.
I'M SURE
YOU JUST MISHEARD THEM.
NO. I DIDN'T.
CAN WE PLEASE
JUST GO?
[GRUMBLING SIGH]
I CAN'T. IT'S MY PARTY.
OKAY. FINE.
SEE YOU AT HOME.
HONEY.
STELLA.
[BACKGROUND CHATTER]
[LOUDER]: EXCUSE ME. HONEY!
WOULD YOU HOLD...
STELLA! PLEASE.
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU?
YOU SHOW UP LATE,
YOU WANT TO LEAVE EARLY
BECAUSE OF A MISUNDERSTANDING...
IT WASN'T...
I'M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.
OKAY, MARK,
IF I AM SO DISAPPOINTING,
MAYBE WE SHOULD
JUST STAY SINGLE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
STAY SINGLE?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT I WHEN YOU GET HOME, OKAY?
JUST GO BACK TO YOUR PARTY.
NO, NO. I WANT TO
TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
STAY SINGLE?
WOW...
[GIGGLES]
I LOVE YOU, CASE.
MM, I LOVE YOU, NICK.
THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED TO TELL YOU.
[BACKGROUND CHATTER]
IT IS SO NICE
TO FINALLY HAVE
SOME TIME ALONE
TOGETHER.
A TOAST.
TO MY WIFE.
TO MY HUSBAND.
TO US.
[CLINKING]
STOP!
THAT WOMAN
IS NOT YOUR WIFE!
[SMACKS PAPER DOWN]
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL,
NICK, REALLY.
ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GO
DOWN TO THE COURTHOUSE
AND MAKE IT LEGAL.
WHEN DID YOU GET THIS?
A WEEK AGO? I THINK?
YOU THINK?
A WEEK AGO.
I DON'T GET IT.
WHY WOULDN'T YOU TELL ME THEN?
BECAUSE WE WERE FIGHTING.
WE WERE FIGHTING,
AND I WAS AFRAID
I WAS GOING TO LOSE YOU,
AND I COULDN'T IMAGINE IT,
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU
SO, SO MUCH.
BABY, BABY.
WHY WOULD YOU
EVER WORRY
THAT YOU WERE
GOING TO LOSE ME?
BECAUSE OF ANNA.
NOT THIS AGAIN!
LOOK, I'VE TOLD YOU
A HUNDRED TIMES,
THERE'S NOTHING
GOING ON THERE.
- I KNOW, BUT...
- DON'T YOU TRUST ME?
I DON'T TRUST HER.
OKAY, ENOUGH!
OKAY, LOOK,
I DON'T KNOW WHO
THIS JEALOUS GIRL IS
YOU'VE BECOME,
BUT IT'S NOT THE WOMAN
I FELL IN LOVE WITH.
WAIT, WHA ARE YOU DOING?
WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS
MORE WHEN I GET BACK.
- BACK?
- FROM PIEDMONT.
I'VE GOT BACK-TO-BACK MEETINGS
ALL WEEK,
SO I'M HEADING DOWN THERE
TONIGHT TO CHECK INTO A HOTEL.
UNLIKE YOU, I TOLD YOU
ABOUT THIS OVER A MONTH AGO.
YEAH, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO
GO RIGHT NOW!
NICK!
LOOK, I THINK WE BOTH COULD
USE SOME TIME TO COOL OFF
AND JUST THINK.
THINK?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NICK, DON'T DO THAT,
BECAUSE THINKING
IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.
NICK?
[ZIPPING]
OKAY, OKAY.
NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.
LOOK, GO TO PIEDMONT,
AND LAND THE DEAL
AND-AND... THINK.
WE CAN GO TO THE COURTHOUSE
WHEN YOU GET BACK.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[SIGHS]
SO YOU GO THE LETTER A WEEK AGO?
YEAH.
AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
BECAUSE YOU JUST...
FORGOT?
SORT OF.
OKAY, THEN.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO
BE MAD AT ME.
MAD? WHY
WOULD I BE MAD?
THIS IS GONNA BE
A GREAT STORY
TO TELL OUR KIDS.
[SHE LAUGHS]
KIDS. [CHUCKLES]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[PHONE RINGS]
MARK! THE PHONE.
LET THE MACHINE
GET IT.
[RINGING]
YOU'VE REACHED
MARK AND STELLA.
LEAVE A MESSAGE. [BEEP]
[MAN]: HELLO, STELLA.
THIS IS HAL BORKORWITZ,
OVER AT THE CHERAMOYA MUSEUM.
GOOD NEWS, YOU GOT THE JOB.
WE'RE SENDING THE CONTRACTS
OVER IN THE MORNING.
[PEE SPLASHING]
[CRACKLING, DISTORTED]:
WELCOME ABOARD.
SEE, DAVID?
I TOLD YOU
SHE WAS SNEAKY.
SNEAKY?
YOU'RE THE ONE
SNOOPING AROUND
MY NIGHTSTAND
TO FIND THAT LETTER.
LISTEN, MISSY,
I'M NOT THE ONE ON TRIAL HERE.
NEITHER AM I.
THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
[SCOFFS]
EVERYTHING ABOUT MY SON
IS MY BUSINESS.
DON'T YOU THINK SO, DAVID?
YES, DAVID,
IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?
I... I THINK...
I-I THINK, UM...
LET'S GO.
WE CAN MAKE IT TO THE JUDGE'S,
WAKE HIM UP,
GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW.
WHAT?
WHAT?
WELL, I'VE GOTTA MARRY MY GIRL
GOOD AND PROPER NOW.
DAVID, YOU CAN'T BE
IN YOUR RIGHT MIND!
SHE LIED TO YOU!
DON'T YOU SEE THIS IS
A HUGE A PROBLEM, DAVID?
ERIN IS NOT YOUR WIFE.
A PROBLEM
I INTEND TO CORRECT.
SHALL WE?
[CRIES OUT]:
DAVID, PLEASE!
THINK ABOU WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
I'M SORRY, MOM,
THERE IS NOTHING
THAT YOU CAN SAY
TO STOP ME FROM MARRYING ERIN
RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
[RENEE SIGHS DRAMATICALLY]
[BLURTS]: MY HEART!
MY HEART, HELP ME!
MY HEART!
MOM?
HELP ME!
[DINERS MURMURING]
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
CALL A DOCTOR!
I AM A DOCTOR.
A REAL DOCTOR.
NO, NO. LET ERIN
TAKE A LOOK AT YOU.
AHH. OOH... [EXHALES]
YOUR PULSE
IS STEADY AND STRONG.
YOU HAVEN'T HAD
ANY PROBLEMS BEFORE...
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.
YOU AREN'T SWEATING,
YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY PAIN
IN YOUR ARM OR LEG.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- IT MEANS SHE'S FINE.
I DEMAND
A SECOND OPINION.
UH, MAYBE WE SHOULD GO
TO THE HOSPITAL, JUST IN CASE.
CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING?
SHE'S FAKING IT,
TO STOP US FROM GETTING MARRIED.
I-I CAN'T... BREATHE!
OKAY, WE NEED TO TAKE HER
TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW.
SERIOUSLY?
- YES.
- NO.
EXCUSE ME?
NO. I'VE HAD IT!
I'M DONE WITH THIS GAME.
[WHIMPERS] OH...
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
WANT A BLUEBERRY, CUTIE?
CAN WE PUT IT...
HIM OUTSIDE, PLEASE?
HERE, PUFFY! FETCH.
WHAT'S ALL THIS?
WELL, YOU WERE
JUST SO AMAZING
ABOUT THE MARRIAGE
LICENSE, AND...
I FELT BAD
FOR BEING LATE FOR YOUR PARTY,
SO I WANTED
TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
THAT'S VERY NICE.
YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD ME
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU YESTERDAY.
I HAD A JOB INTERVIEW,
FOR THE ASSISTANT CURATOR
FOR THE CHERAMOYA MUSEUM.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
WOW.
YEAH, I MEAN,
AT FIRST,
THE GUY WAS REALLY
GRUFF WITH ME,
BUT THEN, YOU KNOW, I PUT ON
THE OL' STELLA CHARM,
AND IMPRESSED HIM WITH
MY KNOWLEDGE ABOU 19th-CENTURY ARCHEOLOGICAL DIGS,
AND HE WAS PUTTY IN MY HANDS.
HMM.
THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
[CONFUSED LAUGH]
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I ACED
THAT INTERVIEW!
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU HAVE A NEED TO GET A JOB.
WE'RE FINE.
YOUR JOB SHOULD BE TO HAVE FUN,
GO SHOPPING WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
- YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING.
- COME ON, STELLA.
IF YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DO,
WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSE?
I'M SORRY.
I THINK YOU'RE CONFUSING ME
WITH THE MAID.
HONEY.
I JUST DON'T WANT YOU
TO BE DISAPPOINTED
IF YOU DON'T GET THE JOB.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME
TO BE HAPPY.
I DO WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.
IN FACT,
I MAKE A LOT OF MONEY
SO MY WIFE
DOESN'T HAVE TO WORK.
LET'S JUS EAT BREAKFAST.
[WHIMPERING AND SMACKING]
PUFFY. NO!
OH, I TOLD YOU
TO PUT HIM OUTSIDE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
I'LL GET BREAKFAS AT THE OFFICE.
[GRUNTS ANGRILY]
[TELEPHONE LINE RINGING]
YOU GOT NICK.
LEAVE A MESSAGE. [BEEP]
HEY, HUSBAND.
I HOPE "HUSBAND."
I'M SORRY.
I KNOW I'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE
A PSYCHOTIC JEALOUS WIFE.
I FEEL REALLY BAD
ABOUT HOW WE LEFT THINGS,
SO, GIVE ME A CALL, OKAY?
I LOVE YOU.
[DIALING]
[LINE RINGING]
[RECEPTION]:
PIEDMONT HOTEL.
HI. MR. PORTERSON'S ROOM,
PLEASE.
ONE MOMENT.
[RINGING]
HELLO?
HELLO? HELLO?
EVERYBODY OUT.
OUT. GET OUT.
COME ON. FASTER, PLEASE.
I HAVE AN EMERGENCY.
I'M SORRY.
I NEED YOU TO LEAVE.
GET OUT.
OUT! GET OUT!
DR. MILLER.
I'M A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW.
UM, OKAY, WELL, UH,
WELL, MOM IS FINE,
AND IT WAS JUS A PANIC ATTACK.
YOU WERE RIGHT AND I'M SORRY.
SHOCKER.
ABOUT YOUR MOM,
NOT ABOUT THE SORRY.
I'M REALLY SORRY.
THAT'S SWEET...
BUT YOU AND I NEED
TO TALK FIRST.
REALLY TALK.
I NEED TO KNOW
YOU'LL BE THERE FOR ME
FIRST AND FOREMOST, DAVID.
I PROMISE.
I MEAN IT!
EVEN IF YOUR MOTHER
DOESN'T APPROVE,
EVEN IF SHE PRETENDS
LIKE SHE'S CAUGHT IN A WELL
OR BEING ATTACKED
BY TERRORISTS.
SHE COULD BE
ABDUCTED BY ALIENS
AND I WOULDN'T BUDGE.
EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO EA ORANGE MACARONI-AND-CHEESE
OUT OF A BOX
EVERY DAY
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
AS LONG AS
IT WAS YOU THAT MADE IT,
I WOULDN'T WANT TO
EAT ANYTHING ELSE.
I LOVE YOU, ERIN.
I LOVE YOU,
AND I WANT TO
MARRY YOU AGAIN. NOW.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?
MARRY ME?
[ERIN LAUGHS]
YES! OF COURSE.
I JUST... I CAN' GO TO THE COURTHOUSE NOW,
I HAVE TO FINISH
BANDAGING UP
MR. HIRSCH HERE.
THAT'S OKAY,
THAT'S GREAT.
I'LL SEE YOU
AT HOME, THEN?
OKAY.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
I LOVE YOU T... UM.
I'M JUST GONNA
CALL ANOTHER DOCTOR.
[STUNNED]: I GOT THE JOB?
[HUMMING CHEERILY]
[DOOR OPENS]
OH, DAVID, YOU'RE HOME!
OH.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU'D BE
BRINGING A GUEST.
HELLO, MOM.
DON'T CALL ME "MOM."
HERE TO PACK?
WE'RE HERE TO EAT.
WHAT SMELLS SO GOOD?
I ONLY MADE
ENOUGH FOR TWO.
HMM.
THAT IS A HUGE POT.
I HAVE A BIG APPETITE.
WELL, SO DO I.
LET'S EAT.
[WHACK]
SO, ARE YOU
PREGNANT?
NO. WHY WOULD
YOU THINK THAT?
BECAUSE I CAN'T THINK
OF ANOTHER REASON
WHY DAVID WOULD
TAKE YOU BACK.
BECAUSE I LOVE HER, MOM.
I LOVE HER STRENGTH.
SHE'S SMART,
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,
AND-AND SHE MAKES
ME LAUGH.
I WOULD BE NUTS
NOT TO WANT TO SPEND
THE REST OF
MY LIFE WITH HER.
[BREATHLESSLY]: NUTS.
YEAH. THAT'S WHA I SAID. NUTS.
ERIN?
[CHOKING]: PEANUTS!
DID YOU PU PEANUTS IN THIS?
JUST IN THE SAUCE.
IT'S PAD THAI.
- SHE'S ALLERGIC!
- SHOT!
[WHEEZING INTENSELY]
WHAT'S SHE SAYING?
[WHEEZING]
SHE NEEDS HER ALLERGY SHOT.
OKAY...
OH.
YOU OKAY?
[PHONE BEEPS]
[LINE START RINGING]
[ERIN]: HI.
HEY. LOOK.
TELL ME I'M CRAZY.
TELL ME I'M INSANE.
JUST...
I'M SORRY, CASEY,
I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
JUST TRIED TO MURDER ME.
[BEEP]
HELLO?
ERIN?
[GRUNTS]
[STARTS CAR]
PLEASE TELL ME
I'M WRONG, MARK.
PLEASE TELL ME
YOU DIDN'T BURY THA IN THE TRASH
SO I COULDN'T FIND I AND TAKE THE JOB?
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.
WHAT DO I HAVE TO
UNDERSTAND?
YOU KNEW HOW MUCH
THAT MEANT TO ME!
LOWER YOUR VOICE.
I CALLED THE CHERAMOYA.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE.
I'M TAKING THE JOB.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
THAT IS NOT YOUR DECISION
TO MAKE, MARK.
YOU DON'T GET TO
MAKE THE RULES.
MARRIAGE IS ABOUT COMPROMISE.
OKAY? IT'S GIVE AND TAKE.
LOOK.
THIS ISN'T THE TIME OR PLACE
TO DISCUSS THIS.
WE'LL DO I WHEN I GET HOME TONIGHT.
I WON'T BE THERE.
STELLA.
- [SNICKERING]
- [MARK]: STELLA!
DID YOU GET ALL THAT, LADIES?
PLEASE STOP.
I COULD HAVE DIED.
ERIN, I'M SURE SHE DIDN'T KNOW
THAT YOU WERE ALLERGIC.
EVERYONE KNOWS I'M ALLERGIC!
AND I REMINDED HER
AT OUR WEDDING BRUNCH,
WHEN SHE WANTED TO PU NUTS IN THE SALAD.
HONEY, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE.
I'M SORRY.
SHE'S GONE TOO FAR.
I CAN'T BE
IN THE SAME HOUSE AS HER.
SO WHO'S IT GONNA BE?
ME OR HER?
ERIN, JUST LET ME TALK TO HER.
OKAY?
I KNEW YOU WOULDN' STAND UP FOR ME.
ERIN, WAIT.
[GASPS]: OH!
OH, ERIN, I'M SO S...
JUST STOP.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE.
HONEY, PLEASE WAIT.
SWEETIE, I JUST...
SHUT UP, MOM.
[BRAKES SQUEALING]
WHAT ROOM IS NICK PORTERSON IN?
I'M HIS WIFE.
[CLERK]:
UH, 214, MA'AM.
[ANNA GIGGLING, MUFFLED]
[ANNA]: NICK, TAKE IT OFF!
[NICK]: OKAY, FINE.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
[NICK AND ANNA CHATTING ABOVE,
INDISTINCT]
NO WAY.
[GASPS]: MM! NICK!
CASE?
WHAT?
CASE! WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
HUH?
[LATTICE CRACKING]
I'M OKAY! OOH...
AH!
[THUD]
CASE! CASE!
[BUSHES RUSTLING]
[GULPS]
[THUD]
[SIREN CHIRPS]
WHAT WERE YOU
THINKING, CASE?
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
WHAT... WHAT DO YOU...
YOU LIED TO ME.
YOU TOLD ME THERE WAS NOTHING
GOING ON BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.
- CASE...
- JUST PUT ON A SHIRT...
...AND GIVE ME BACK
MY DIGNITY, NICK.
THANKS.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE
WHAT RENEE JUST DID TO ME.
ERIN, NICK JUST CALLED.
CASEY'S BEEN TAKEN
TO THE HOSPITAL.
WAIT, WHAT?
UH... CASEY...
PORTERSON.
IS SHE OKAY?
YEAH. SHE'S FINE.
LUCKILY, THE BUSHES
BENEATH THE TREE
WERE VERY THICK.
CAN I SEE HER?
SORRY. FAMILY ONLY.
I'M HER HUSBAND.
[SCOFFS]
THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE SAID.
WE'RE HERE TO PICK UP
CASEY PORTERSON.
- WE'RE HER BEST FR...
- ...DOCTORS.
YEAH,
HER BEST DOCTORS.
SURE. GO RIGHT IN.
THAT'S NOT...
THAT'S NOT VERY FAIR.
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.
LET'S MAKE A TOAS TO THE END OF MY MARRIAGE.
[RING CLINKS]
AND MINE. [CLINK]
AND MINE.
[CLINK]
[GLASSES CLINK]
CHEERS.
YOU KNOW, THE THING
THAT MAKES ME CRAZY
IS THAT I LOVE NICK.
I REALLY, REALLY DO,
BUT HE IS IN LOVE WITH ANNA,
AND NO AMOUNT OF COMPROMISE
OR COUNSELING
IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT.
IT'S JUST THA MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED
TO BE A PARTNERSHIP,
AND I'M NOT GONNA JUS BE SOME GUY'S DOORMAT.
AND I AM DONE
WITH MAMA'S BOY.
LET NICK RUN OFF WITH ANNA.
I MEAN, SHE CAN HAVE HIM,
FOR ALL I CARE.
LET HER TURN OFF HER SHOWER
WITH A WRENCH.
I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT.
WITH THE MARRIAGE LICENSE
SCREW-UP,
IF NICK AND I SPLIT NOW,
THERE'LL BE NO MESSY DIVORCE,
NO LEGAL PROCEEDINGS,
NO PRE-NUP...
...AND NO MONSTER-IN-LAW.
ARE YOU SURE IT'S OKAY THA WE STAY HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE?
OF COURSE.
YOU CAN STAY HERE FOREVER.
THINK OF MY PLACE AS A...
NEARLYWED HALFWAY HOUSE.
YOU CAN STAY HERE
FOR THE REST OF OUR...
MISERABLE, LONELY LIVES.
[SLURPING]
NO.
WE ARE NOT GOING TO
SIT HERE AND MOPE AROUND
LIKE THREE LITTLE
LOVESICK PUPPIES.
WE... LET'S GET OUT AND DO STUFF
AND HAVE SOME FUN.
COME ON, GIRLS.
JUST ONE RULE.
[BOTH]: WHAT'S THAT?
NO MEN.
YOU'RE CRAZY
TO BE MARRIED RIGHT NOW
COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED
ON YOUR LIFE?
COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED
ON YOU AND YOUR WIFE?
'CAUSE I THINK
YOU JUMPED RIGHT OFF
THAT TRAMPOLINE
YEAH, I THINK
YOU WENT OFF
AND GOT MARRIED
COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED
ON YOUR SISTERS?
[MOVIE MONSTER ROARS,
ACTRESS SCREAMS]
[GIRLS YELP]
COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED?
HEY, HEY, MISTER
- [ACTRESS SHRIEKING]
- OH!
I FEEL A LITTLE BIT LEFT OUT
YEAH, I THINK
YOU'RE CRAZY
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- TO BE MARRIED RIGHT NOW
LA, DA-DA, DA-DA, DA, DA-DA
CRAZY TO BE MARRIED
RIGHT NOW
COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED
ON YOUR KIDS?
COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED
ON ALL YOUR HOUSE BIDS?
'CAUSE I THINK
YOU JUMPED RIGHT OFF
THAT TRAMPOLINE
YEAH, I THINK
NONE OF THIS
COULD HAVE BEEN FORESEEN
LA, DA-DA, DA-DA, DA, DA-DA
DA-DA, DA-DA
[ACTRESS ON TV]:
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU.
[STELLA AND CASEY START SOBBING]
...CRAZY TO BE MARRIED
RIGHT NOW
SHOULD WE
WAKE HER UP?
SHE LOOKS HAPPY.
LET HER SLEEP.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
WHO'S THAT?
NO CLUE.
UNLESS THE CHINESE
FOOD DELIVERY GUY
IS PSYCHIC.
THAT'D BE NICE.
WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?
WELL, IT IS
HIS APARTMENT.
WE CAN'T TALK TO HIM.
IT VIOLATES THE GIRLFRIEND
CODE OF ETHICS.
WELL, WE CAN'T JUS LEAVE HIM OUT THERE.
YES, WE CAN!
CASEY WOULD WANT US TO.
I... I CAN HEAR YOU, GUYS.
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUS SEE WHAT HE WANTS.
IF YOU INSIST.
BETTER BE GOOD.
YES?
HEY.
CAN I COME IN?
CASEY'S ASLEEP, NICK.
AND SHE DOESN'T WAN TO TALK TO YOU ANYWAY, SO.
CAN I TALK TO
YOU GUYS, THEN, PLEASE?
NOPE! SORRY.
CAN... PLEASE?
YOU'RE A PUSHY ONE,
AREN'T YA?
SIC 'IM, PUFFY.
[YAPPING]
[PUFFY KEEPS YAPPING]
THAT'S A FRIENDLY...
A FRIENDLY DOG.
SPEAKING OF DOGS...
WHAT DO YOU WANT, NICK?
SHE WON'T LET ME
INTO THE APARTMENT.
SHE WON' TAKE MY CALLS.
IT'S LIKE
I DON'T EVEN EXIST.
MAYBE YOU SHOULDN' HAVE CHEATED ON HER, THEN.
I DIDN'T!
LOOK, IT WAS JUS A DUMB MISUNDERSTANDING,
BUT I CAN'T EVEN
TELL HER THA BECAUSE SHE WON' TALK TO ME!
I CAN'T EAT.
I CAN'T SLEEP.
I'M... I'M FALLING APART!
- [ERIN SCOFFS]
- WHAT?
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
STOP THINKING ABOU HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS
AND START THINKING
ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
KNOW HOW SHE FEELS?
[STELLA LAUGHS]
WHAT?
NICK, WHY DO YOU THINK
SHE'S DOING ALL THIS?
BECAUSE OF NOTHING
THAT HAPPENED WITH ANNA?
NO.
YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND,
THAT SEEING YOU WITH ANNA
MAKES CASEY FEEL LIKE
THE UGLY DUCKLING
WHO NEVER GOT INVITED TO PROM
ALL OVER AGAIN.
BECAUSE I WENT ON
A BUSINESS TRIP?
[BOTH]: NO!
WHICH WAS ACTUALLY
PRETTY SUSPECT.
BUT THAT'S NO YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM.
CASEY NEEDS YOU TO MAKE HER FEEL
BEAUTIFUL AGAIN, AND SPECIAL.
I DO.
YEAH?
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU BOUGHT HER FLOWERS
FOR NO REASON?
OR COOKED HER DINNER?
OR WROTE HER
A GUSHY LOVE LETTER?
OR STOOD UP FOR HER
WHEN YOUR MOTHER
TRIED TO RUIN YOUR LIFE?
OR LET HER TURN
THE NURSERY INTO A NEW OFFICE.
WHAT? I DON'T UN...
YOU GET THE POINT.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
HOW...
DO I GET HER BACK?
STOP BEING
SUCH A JERK.
AND SWEEP HER
OFF HER FEET.
- GO.
- DO IT!
YES. ALL RIGHT.
ERIN?
IF YOU'RE GONNA TRY AGAIN,
YOU PICKED A LOUSY PLACE.
THERE'S DOCTORS EVERYWHERE.
WHY HAVEN'T YOU RETURNED
ANY OF DAVID'S PHONE CALLS?
BECAUSE
YOU WON, RENEE.
WE'RE NOT MARRIED ANYMORE.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO DAVID,
AND I CERTAINLY
DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
YOU KNOW, ANY OTHER DAY,
THOSE WORDS WOULD SOUND
LIKE MUSIC TO MY EARS...
BUT NOT TODAY.
I REALLY AM SORRY
FOR WHAT I DID.
YOU TRIED TO KILL ME.
THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU
TO COME HOME FOR LUNCH,
SO I PUT PEANUT BUTTER
IN THE PAD THAI,
AND I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT I UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE.
I MIGHT HATE YOU,
BUT I DON'T WAN TO SEE YOU DEAD.
I'D BE TOUCHED EXCEP FOR THE PART ABOUT HATING ME.
[LAUGHS]: YEAH, WELL...
WELL, I'D HATE ANY WOMAN
THAT TRIED TO TAKE MY DAVIE
AWAY FROM ME,
EVEN IF
SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL DOCTOR...
WITH GREAT TASTE IN DECORATING.
LOOK. UM...
I'M NOT AS YOUNG
AS I USED TO BE,
AND MY SON...
IS ALL I HAVE LEFT.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER.
ME.
WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES
AND I'D BE HAPPY
TO MAKE THEM ALL WITH YOU...
STELLA.
PLEASE DON'T GO.
[SCRAPING TABLE]
IT'S REALLY
THAT EASY FOR YOU?
NO.
MARK, NONE OF THIS IS EASY.
I...
I JUST... I CAN'T...
[TAKES A SHAKY BREATH, SIGHS]
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.
OKAY? I...
I NEED TO.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I THOUGHT I GAVE YOU
EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED.
DID I NOT GIVE YOU
THE PERFECT WEDDING?
RIGHT.
IT WAS PERFECT.
BUT THAT'S
THE POINT, MARK.
I MEAN,
I DIDN'T GET TO PLAN IT.
I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO PICK
THE COLOR
OF MY BRIDESMAIDS' DRESSES.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH FUCHSIA?
NOTHING.
IT'S PERFECT. FOR YOU.
THIS, ALL OF THIS,
IS YOUR LIFE, NOT MINE.
IT DID MAKE ME REALIZE
SOMETHING, THOUGH.
I DO WANT TO HAVE A BABY.
NOT RIGHT NOW.
NOT WITH YOU.
BUT IT'S... IT'S THAT...
IT'S THE DOG, RIGHT?
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M
LOSING MY WIFE TO A DOG.
OKAY, FINE,
I'LL BE NICE TO IT.
IT CAN SLEEP
ON MY SIDE OF THE BED.
MARK...
IT'S NOT THE DOG.
IS THERE ANYTHING
THAT I CAN DO
TO CHANGE YOUR MIND?
[SNIFFLES, STIFLES SOB]
I'M SORRY.
I MISS YOU, BABY.
I MISS YOU, TOO.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
PLEASE COME HOME.
YOUR MOTHER CAME
TO SEE ME TODAY.
I... HONEY,
I TALKED TO HER,
I SWEAR IT.
SHE WAS ACTUALLY...
NICE.
AS NICE AS
YOUR MOTHER COULD BE.
OH, GOD.
WHAT DID SHE SAY?
A NUMBER OF THINGS.
THE MOS IMPORTANT BEING
THAT SHE'LL BE
MOVING OUT.
BUT HER CONDO'S
NOT GONNA BE DONE
FOR ANOTHER EIGHT MONTHS.
SHE'S CHECKING
INTO A HOTEL.
WELL, THAT'S...
THAT'S GREAT!
WE'RE PAYING FOR IT.
THAT, UH...
[LAUGHS]
WELL, I GUESS WE GOTTA DO
WHAT WE GOTTA DO.
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
[BELL JINGLES]
I SUGGEST YOU LEAVE
BEFORE I SHOVE
ONE OF MY HOMEMADE DOG PIES
INTO YOUR
PERFECTLY PLUCKED FACE.
AT THE RISK
OF BEING ATTACKED,
THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED TO TELL YOU.
THAT YOU ARE
A SLIMY HUSBAND-STEALER
WHO COULD USE
A DOSE OF WORM FLUSH?
I'M ENGAGED.
WHAT?
ENGAGED.
TO BOB.
NICK'S ARCHITECT.
THE ONE WHO RECOMMENDED YOU
FOR THE JOB?
WHERE'S YOUR RING?
I LOVE BOB.
I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON HIM.
BUT-BUT...
I SAW YOU AND NICK.
TOGETHER!
FIRST OF ALL,
NICK KNOWS I'M ENGAGED.
SECONDLY, EW!
HE HAS HAIRY TOES.
THIRDLY...
HOLD ON.
WE'RE ON THIRDLY, RIGHT?
YES.
THIRDLY, WE HAD
SEPARATE HOTEL ROOMS.
I WENT OVER TO NICK'S ROOM
TO HELP WITH PRESENTATION PREP.
WE ORDERED ROOM SERVICE,
AND HE SPILLED CRANBERRY JUICE
ALL OVER HIS SHIRT...
I SUDDENLY FEEL LIKE
A HORRIBLE PERSON.
I WANT TO BE
YOUR FRIEND, CASEY.
DID YOU THINK
ALL MY HUGS
AND COMPLIMENTS
ABOUT YOUR HAIR
AND HEELS
WERE JUST RANDOM?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
BEING SARCASTIC!
WHY DOES EVERYONE
ALWAYS THINK THAT?
I'M SO SORRY
I JUDGED YOU.
AND I'M SO SORRY
I MADE FUN OF YOU
IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I WAS AN IDIOT THEN.
I'M MUCH SMARTER NOW.
I REALLY APPRECIATE
ALL THE APOLOGIES
AND I'M SURE ONE DAY SOON
WE'LL BE BESTIES,
BUT RIGHT NOW,
I JUST NEED TO FIND NICK
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
HE'S DOWNSTAIRS!
TRUST ME,
YOU DON'T WAN TO EAT THAT.
NICK?
AH, AH, ALL OVER
AH, AH
ALL OVER AGAIN
AH, AH
I'M SO, SO SORRY
I DIDN'T TRUST YOU
AND BELIEVE YOU
AND I KNOW YOU'RE NO CHEATING ON ME WITH ANNA...
AND I'M SORRY
THAT I DIDN'T TELL YOU
THAT ANNA AND BOB WERE ENGAGED.
WHY DIDN'T YOU?
I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.
[CHUCKLES]
I GOT YOU SOMETHING.
WELL, STELLA PICKED IT OUT.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
PUT IT ON FOR ME?
YOU ASKED ME IF
I'D BE YOUR ONE AND ONLY
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD
STANDING HERE
IN FRONT OF ME
THIS IS EVERYTHING
LOVE IS MEANT TO BE
I GOT YOU THIS.
A PROM CROWN?
YOUR PROM CROWN.
[CASEY GIGGLES]
CASEY...
DON'T YOU KNOW BY NOW
HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU?
I MEAN, TO ME,
YOU ARE SO...
[SIGHS]
...BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'RE QUIRKY.
YOU'RE FUN.
YOU'RE...
CRAZY AND POSSESSIVE
AND JEALOUS?
PASSIONATE.
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO BE JEALOUS ABOUT.
THOSE GIRLS BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL
WERE SO FAKE.
EVEN ANNA.
WHY WOULD I WANT THEM
WHEN I GOT THE REAL DEAL
RIGHT HERE?
I LOVE YOU...
JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
UM, I'M MISSING SOMETHING.
WHAT... [LAUGHS]
MARRY ME?
AGAIN?
YES!
YES, YES. AGAIN.
AND AGAIN AND AGAIN,
AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!
[CASEY LAUGHING]
ALL RIGHT.
UH... OH! OH, YEAH.
I ALMOST FORGOT.
I OWE MY GIRL
A HONEYMOON.
AND I CALLED A PLUMBER.
NICK, I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN
FALLING IN LOVE
WITH YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN
FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN
FALLING IN LOVE
WITH YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN
OH, I'M STILL GONNA
MISS YOU SO MUCH.
MOM, WE'RE ONLY GONNA BE
TWO MILES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER,
AND WE'LL SEE EACH OTHER
EVERY FRIDAY FOR DINNER.
ARE THESE MY BABY TEETH?
[CHUCKLES]
I JUST LIKE TO THINK
YOU'RE ALWAYS SMILING AT ME,
NO MATTER
HOW FAR AWAY YOU ARE.
LUNCH IS SERVED.
OH!
THANK YOU, HON.
AH, NO PECORINO
OR TRUFFLE OIL?
WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOIN'?
THIS WOMAN SLAVED
FOR HOURS...
MINUTES.
...MINUTES
OVER YOUR LUNCH.
YOU WILL
APPRECIATE IT,
AND HER.
SHE'S A DOCTOR.
THANKS, MOM.
OH, YOU JUS CALLED ME "MOM."
SO CAN I GE THE PECORINO OR...?
[BOTH]: NO!
AH, AH, AH, AH ALL OVER...
CAN YOU GUYS GO BACK TO
HATING EACH OTHER?
NO.
AH, AH, ALL OVER AGAIN...
MM!
COFFEE TIME!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY SO MANY APARTMENTS
DON'T ALLOW DOGS.
THEY'RE CLEANER
AND QUIETER,
AND WAY LESS TROUBLE
THAN MEN.
YOU SHOULD CHECK THIS
BULLETIN BOARD AT THE HOSPITAL
WITH AVAILABLE APARTMENTS.
DOES IT ALSO
LIST AVAILABLE DOCTORS?
NO! [LAUGHS]
I AM TAKING A BREAK
FROM MEN.
[JINGLING]
WILLIS?
- [LAUGHS]: WILLIS!
- [PUFFY YAPPING]
WILLIS, COME HERE!
COME HERE, BOY.
WILLIS! WILLIS!
WHO'S THIS? WHO'S THIS?
WILLIS!
"WILLIS"?
I SAW THE SIGN IN THE WINDOW!
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'VE FOUND WILLIS!
UH, NO.
HIS NAME IS NOT "WILLIS."
IT'S "PUFFY,"
AND HE'S MINE.
I REMEMBER YOU.
YOU HAVE BEEN
TAKING CARE OF WILLIS?
WOW, BUDDY!
NO WONDER YOU DIDN' WANT TO COME HOME.
THANK YOU
SO, SO MUCH!
THE GARDENER
LEFT THE BACK GATE OPEN.
I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK
ABOUT THIS GUY!
PUFFY-WUFFY IS YOUR DOG?
YEAH.
UM, MY EX-WIFE,
SHE INSISTED ON THE PRE-NUP,
AND SO I INSISTED ON THE DOG.
I JUST LOVE THIS LITTLE RASCAL.
I PUT SIGNS UP ALL OVER TOWN.
WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL?
I DID.
NO ONE ANSWERED.
OH, RIGHT.
HE ACTUALLY RUINED
MY ANSWERING MACHINE
BY PEEING ON IT.
YEAH... WE'VE BEEN
WORKING ON THAT, HAVEN'T WE?
[HE CHUCKLES, THEN STOPS]
YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I... [VOICE CRACKS]
IT'S JUST...
[WILLIS WHIMPERS]
I'VE BEEN TAKING
CARE OF HIM,
AND...
I LOVE HIM.
YEAH.
WELL, LOOK AT THAT, BUDDY.
YOU'RE BREAKING HEARTS
EVERYWHERE YOU GO.
I'VE HAD HIM SINCE...
SINCE HE WAS A PUPPY.
I'M REALLY SORRY,
BUT HE'S... HE'S MY DOG.
[SIGHS]
I KNOW.
HE'S YOURS.
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU FOUND
YOUR OWNER, PUFFY.
[WILLIS WHIMPERS]
NOW, YOU BE GOOD FOR MR. HUNKY.
[HE CHUCKLES]
HERE.
OH, NO. I-I DON'T NEED
A REWARD.
IT WAS FINE.
OH, NO.
IT'S, UM, IT'S MY NUMBER.
YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY TAKEN
SUCH GOOD CARE OF HIM.
YOU DESERVE
A MASSIVE THANK-YOU.
TALKING, LIKE,
A THREE-COURSE MEAL...
THERE'LL BE DRINKS
AND DANCING...
I... I... I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, OKAY.
WELL, SUIT YOURSELF,
BUT ALL I ASK
IS THAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT.
OKAY. I WILL.
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
AND WE CAN DISCUSS
VISITATION RIGHTS.
[WILLIS YAPS]
OKAY, WAIT.
ACTUALLY, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
UM... YOU HUNGRY?
HOW ABOUT NOW?
WELL, I'M STARVING.
UM, JUST...
JUST SO THAT YOU KNOW,
HE'S BEEN ON
A RAW-FOOD DIET?
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
'CAUSE HIS COAT IS
SO SOFT AND SHINY.
THAT MAKES SENSE.
YEAH. I DID THAT.
HE WAS A LITTLE BIT FA WHEN I FOUND HIM.
- SO I THOUGHT...
- FAT?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH...
[ALL LAUGHING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
FINALLY!
[CHEERING]
[LAUGHTER]
GO, STELLA!
[SQUEALS]
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S GOOD,
IT'S GOOD.
[WILLIS YAPS]
[BARKING]
[LAUGHTER]
WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY
TO JOIN TOGETHER...
[REVEREND STARTS
HACKING AND WHEEZING]
EXCUSE ME.
WHERE WAS I?
UM, EXCUSE ME, REVEREND.
UM...
WOULD YOU JUST MIND
SIGNING THIS
BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER?
[WHEEZING]
[WOMEN START LAUGHING]
[EVERYONE JOINS IN]
THERE'S ONE QUESTION
I ASK EVERY COUPLE
THAT COMES TO ME
TO GET MARRIED:
"DO YOU WANT A WEDDING
OR DO YOU WANT A MARRIAGE?"
THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN THE TWO.
WEDDINGS ARE EASY,
AND THE ONLY WORRY YOU HAVE
IN YOUR LIFE AT THIS MOMEN IS IF THE FLOWERS ARE PERFECT.
THINGS ARE NEW AND EXCITING,
AND YOU'RE THE CENTER
OF ATTENTION...
NO PEEKING.
MARK!
YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO SEE ME
BEFORE THE WEDDING.
IT'S BAD LUCK.
AW...
BUT I JUST COULDN' WAIT ANOTHER SECOND
TO SEE YOU.
SO...
HOW'D I DO?
IS THIS THE WEDDING
OF YOUR DREAMS, OR WHAT?
IT'S PERFECT.
YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I WANT.
I KNOW WHAT I WANT.
[REVEREND MIKE]:
A WEDDING IS A CELEBRATION
FOR THE FAMILIES
OF THE BRIDE AND GROOM
TO COME TOGETHER AS ONE.
THEY SAY
EVERY PEARL A BRIDE WEARS...
REPRESENTS
A TEAR SHE'S GOING TO SHED.
THEY SAY WEARING BLACK
TO A WEDDING
REPRESENTS A MOTHER-IN-LAW
WHO'S NEVER GOING TO BE ALLOWED
TO MEET HER FUTURE
GRANDCHILDREN.
YOU'RE TOTALLY
MAKING THAT UP!
[REV. MIKE]:
WEDDINGS ARE CELEBRATING
THE BEST IN A COUPLE,
BUT A MARRIAGE IS ABOU RECOGNIZING AND UNDERSTANDING
EACH OTHER'S FLAWS...
IT WON'T GO UP.
SUCK IT IN,
SWEETHEART.
...AND WEAKNESSES.
OH, NO! I'M TOO FAT!
I'M TOO FAT FOR THIS DRESS!
I'M JUST A BIG, FAT PIG,
AND NICK IS NOT GONNA
WANT TO MARRY ME,
AND IT'S ALL OVER, AND I...
ARGH!
I HATE
THIS STUPID-UGLY STUPID DRESS!
[GOWN ZIPS UP]
IT WAS JUS CAUGHT ON A SNAG.
[GASPS]: YAY!
I LOVE MY DRESS!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[REV. MIKE]: BUT NO MATTER
HOW DIFFERENT THE WEDDING
OR HOW DIFFERENT THE BRIDE,
EVERYBODY WANTS
THE SAME THING...
TO BE SWEPT AWAY
IN THE JOY OF THE OCCASION
AND TO SAY...
I DO.
I DO.
I DO.
THEN, BY THE POWER
VESTED IN ME,
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU
HUSBAND AND WIFE.
YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.
FINALLY. [CHUCKLES]
[REV. MIKE]: BUT WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN THE PARTY'S OVER
AND ALL THAT'S LEF ARE THE TWO OF YOU,
TOGETHER,
TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?
[FAMILY AND FRIENDS CHEERING]
[ROARS]: YES!
[REV. MIKE]:
IT TAKES COMMITMENT,
COMPROMISE,
COMMUNICATION,
TO MAKE A MARRIAGE
LAST A LIFETIME.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU
A LITTLE SECRET.
THERE IS MORE JOY TO BE FOUND
IN BEING MARRIED
THAN THERE WAS
IN GETTING MARRIED,
AS LONG AS YOU HAVE LOVE.
WITH LOVE,
EVERYTHING IS GOING TO
BE ALL R... [GASPS]
[GULPS]
[THUD]
REVEREND MIKE!
[PUPPY YAPPING]
COFFEE TIME
- HEY!
- HI.
HELLO,
MRS. PORTERSON.
OH, ALOHA, MRS. MILLER.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
I'VE ONLY GOT A FEW
MINUTES BETWEEN ROUNDS.
THEY HAVE US INTERNS
ON SHORT BREAKS
AND LATE SHIFTS.
I'VE BARELY SEEN DAVID
SINCE OUR HONEYMOON.
MM. THE DAYS OF
CANDLELIGHT DINNERS
AND SLEEPING IN
ARE OVER.
YES. THANK THE LORD
FOR CAFFEINE.
THOSE LOOK
GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT.
YEAH, IF YOU LIKE
LIVER AND PEANUTS.
MM. LIVER I CAN HANDLE,
PEANUT WOULD KILL ME.
STAY BACK!
WE DON'T WAN A REPEAT OF WHAT HAPPENED
DURING SORORITY RUSH.
YES, ME COLLAPSING
ON THE FLOOR
IN ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK
PROBABLY WOULD NO BE GOOD FOR BUSINESS.
HAVE YOU HEARD FROM STELLA?
I THOUGHT SHE WAS
GETTING BACK
FROM HER HONEYMOON
LAST NIGHT.
[DOOR BELL JINGLES]:
HELLO!
WELL, IF IT ISN' SADIE AND SADIE,
THE MARRIED LADIES.
HI!
- HI!
- HI.
[ALL GUSHING AND GIGGLING]
CAN YOU BELIEVE
WE DID THIS?
WE'RE ACTUALLY MARRIED!
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE PULLED OFF
THREE WEDDINGS
IN ONE MONTH.
I'M JUST GLAD
THEY'RE OVER.
OH! ACTUALLY,
THAT REMINDS ME.
I'M JUST GONNA RETURN
MY "SOMETHING BORROWED."
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
THANK YOU,
BY THE WAY.
THAT GARTER WAS A HIT.
HOW WAS YOUR HONEYMOON?
I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN
TO DESCRIBE
HOW AMAZING ST. TROPEZ
IS IN THE SUMMERTIME.
IT WAS JUST SO...
[GRUNTS]: AH!
WHO AM I KIDDING?
MARK AND I DIDN' LEAVE OUR HOTEL ROOM.
WHAT ABOU YOU AND DAVID?
HOW WAS HAWAII?
OH, GUYS, COME ON!
DON'T YOU DARE FEEL BAD FOR ME.
I'M GOING TO
GO ON A HONEYMOON, TOO,
JUST AS SOON AS NICK LANDS
THE PIEDMONT ACCOUNT.
I MEAN, DO YOU THINK,
IF WE COULD AFFORD A HONEYMOON,
WE'D BE LIVING IN
A STUDIO APARTMENT DOWNSTAIRS?
SPEAKING OF MOVING,
ARE YOU ALL MOVED
INTO THE NEW PLACE?
OH, DAVID AND I HAVE BEEN
LIVING OUT OF BOXES FOR WEEKS.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
BUT, TONIGHT,
WHEN I GET HOME FROM WORK,
WE ARE FINALLY GOING TO
GET SETTLED IN.
IN FACT,
THAT'S IT FOR ME, GIRLS.
BACK TO THE HOSPITAL.
YEAH, GO.
- I'LL SEE YOU SOON.
- YEAH.
- BYE, BABE.
- BYE.
- WELCOME HOME.
- THANK YOU.
OH! YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT REMINDS ME,
I HAVE TO
GET A MOVE-ON, TOO.
I AM BRINGING NICK
HIS LUNCH TODAY.
OH?
WE ARE HAVING...
A ROMANTIC MEAL TOGETHER.
OOH-LA-LA!
NOTHING SAYS "ROMANCE"
LIKE A "WORM" T-SHIR AND EATING LUNCH AT A DESK.
OH, WELL...
THEY GAVE ME ONE
FOR EARMITE MEDICINE, TOO.
SHOULD...
SHOULD I CHANGE?
- NO, I'M KIDDING!
- I'LL CHANGE.
I'M KI...
NO, I WAS KIDDING.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL
THE WAY YOU ARE.
[LAUGHS]: LET'S GO.
I GOT TO LOCK UP.
OH, MY GOSH! CASEY?
ANNA! HE... OH!
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]: HEY.
HEY-HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE...
AT MY HUSBAND'S OFFICE?
I'M INTERVIEWING
TO BE HIS NEW ASSISTANT!
REALLY?
OH, DON'T WORRY,
SILLY.
I HAVEN'T THOUGHT THAT WAY
ABOUT NICK
SINCE I DUMPED HIM
BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL, REMEMBER?
OH... I REMEMBER.
IT WAS RIGHT AFTER
THE TWO OF YOU WERE CROWNED
"PROM KING AND QUEEN."
AND I COULD NO HAVE DONE I WITHOUT MY LITTLE
PROJECT MANAGER.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU BET.
ANNA DELANO!
IS THAT YOU?
NICKY, BABY!
YOU LOOK AMAZING!
YOU HAVEN' CHANGED A BIT!
HEY, I'M HERE, TOO.
HEY, CASE.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE, BABE?
UM, I-I BROUGHT LUNCH.
OH. WAS THAT TODAY?
I TOTALLY FORGOT.
I LEFT A NOTE THIS MORNING,
ON YOUR STEERING WHEEL.
YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
I JUST...
I'VE BEEN COMPLETELY SWAMPED.
I HAD NO IDEA
IT WAS GONNA BE THIS COMPLICATED
HIRING A SECRETARY.
YEAH, I MEAN, SURE,
YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE
YOU HIRE THE RIGHT PERSON...
SOMEONE WITH
LOTS OF EXPERIENCE...
SECRETARIAL EXPERIENCE,
I MEAN.
OH, CASEY,
YOU REMEMBER ANNA, DON'T YOU?
MM-HMM.
SHE'S HERE TO INTERVIEW
FOR THE JOB,
OUR ARCHITECT RECOMMENDED HER.
SMALL WORLD, RIGHT?
YEAH. [FORCED CHUCKLE]
THANKS FOR
UNDERSTANDING, BABE.
CAN I GET A RAINCHECK?
OH! SURE. I...
I REALLY SHOULD BE GETTING
BACK TO THE STORE ANYWAY.
I WILL SEE YOU AT HOME...
HUSBAND,
DEAR HUSBAND OF MINE.
CIAO.
OH, HEY, CASE?
YES?
COULD YOU...
COULD YOU LEAVE THE FOOD?
WHAT?
I'M STARVED.
OH. OH! SURE.
THANKS. LOVE YOU!
DO I SMELL
MEATBALLS?
OH, YOU LIKE MEATBALLS?
LOVE THEM!
AWESOME! WELL, WE CAN
HAVE SOME IN MY OFFICE.
OH, MY GOSH!
YOU HAVE AN OFFICE?
- YEAH.
- OH, MY GOSH!
[MARK]:
STELLA, I'M HOME.
WHERE'S
MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE?
I'M IN HERE!
HELLO.
SAY IT AGAIN.
"IT AGAIN."
NO, THAT I'M YOUR WIFE.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
MWAH! WELL, WIFE...
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN HERE?
WELL, I WAS JUS TRYING TO FIGURE OU WHAT TO DO WITH THE ROOM,
AND I THINK
I CAME UP A DECISION.
YES?
I WAS THINKING
MAYBE, UM, SHELVES OVER HERE,
AND A FILING CABINET HERE,
AND THEN MAYBE A DESK
FOR HERE, BY THE WINDOW.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
FOR MY OFFICE!
DO YOU THINK THE DESK
SHOULD MAYBE BE SOMEWHERE ELSE?
YEAH. IN ANOTHER ROOM.
THIS IS GOING TO
BE THE NURSERY.
FOR WHAT? PLANTS?
THE BABY.
WHAT BABY?
OUR BABY.
OH, WE HAVE A BABY?
NOT YET,
BUT HOPEFULLY SOON.
MARK.
MARK, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, WE ALWAYS SAID
THAT WE WERE GOING TO
START TRYING
WHEN WE GOT MARRIED.
YEAH,
BUT NOT THREE WEEKS AFTER.
I WAS THINKING MORE LIKE
IN A COUPLE OF YEARS.
MM...
WHY WAIT?
[SHE CHUCKLES]
HEY, DAVID?
YEAH?
I THINK THE MOVERS
MADE A MISTAKE.
THIS BOX IS FILLED WITH
CAT FIGURINES AND MOTHBALLS,
AND SOME DUSTY OLD CANDY.
I, UH, I THINK, UH...
I THINK THAT ONE
MAY BE... MY MOM'S.
WELL, WHY WOULD
YOUR MOTHER'S STUFF
BE MIXED IN
WITH OUR BOXES?
HMM?
NO.
NO WAY!
YOUR MOTHER'S NO MOVING IN WITH US.
ERIN, IT'S ONLY GONNA BE
FOR A FEW MONTHS.
MAYBE A YEAR, TOPS.
WHY ON EARTH WOULD
YOUR MOTHER MOVE IN WITH US?
YOU REMEMBER
HOW DEPRESSED SHE GO AFTER THE WEDDING?
SHE DECIDED
TO COMPLETELY GU HER CONDO.
I MEAN, NEW KITCHEN,
NEW BATHROOM,
AND THEN SHE ASKED
IF SHE COULD MOVE...
IN WITH US.
AND YOU AGREED?
HOW COULD YOU
LET THIS HAPPEN?
I KNOW, I KNOW,
BUT SHE'S MY MOM.
I MEAN, SHE GAVE US
THE DOWNPAYMENT FOR THIS HOUSE.
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO TELL HER?
TELL HER
TO CHECK IN TO A HOTEL.
COME ON, ERIN!
NO, DAVID. I'VE BEEN
MORE THAN ACCOMMODATING
WHEN IT COMES TO
YOUR MOTHER'S ANTICS,
BUT THIS IS
TOO MUCH.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
HER "ANTICS"?
DID I SAY ANYTHING
WHEN SHE STARTED CRYING
AT OUR REHEARSAL DINNER
BECAUSE SHE WAS, QUOTE,
"LOSING HER ONLY CHILD FOREVER?"
NO.
DID I SAY ANYTHING
WHEN SHE SHOWED UP
TO OUR WEDDING
DRESSED LIKE A SICILIAN WIDOW?
- NO.
- DID I SAY ANYTHING...
WHEN SHE INTERRUPTED
OUR FIRST DANCE
AND STARTED ASKING US
WHEN WE WERE
GOING TO STAR TRYING TO CONCEIVE?
NO, BUT SHE'S...
FACE IT, DAVID.
SHE MANIPULATED YOU
INTO DOING THIS.
HANG ON A SECOND.
MY MOTHER
DOES NOT MANIPULATE ME.
[DOOR OPENS]: DAVID!
YOO-HOO! DAVID!
I'M HOME!
OH, THERE YOU TWO
LOVEBIRDS ARE.
THIS HOUSE
IS JUST DARLING.
MY SON'S FIRST HOME!
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!
NOW, WHERE'S
THE TELEVISION?
JEOPARDY'S ON.
OH.
ERIN, DEAR.
I'M SURE YOU WAN TO, UH, MAKE YOURSELF
PRESENTABLE BEFORE DINNER.
[SIGHS]
NICE TO SEE YOU TOO, RENEE.
UM...
DAVID MENTIONED TO ME
THAT YOU WOULD LIKE
TO COME STAY WITH US.
I KNOW!
ISN'T IT FUN?
[FORCED CHUCKLED]
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ALWAYS
WELCOME IN OUR HOME,
BUT SEEING AS WE HAVEN' UNPACKED OURSELVES...
DON'T WORRY, DEAR.
I KNOW YOU NEWLYWEDS
NEED YOUR PRIVACY.
I'LL STAY OUT OF
YOUR HAIR.
HMM. OKAY. UM...
THIS IS THE FIRST I'VE
HEARD ABOUT THIS, RENEE.
CALL ME "MOM"!
RENEE, I'M SO SORRY.
YOU CANNOT LIVE HERE.
OH.
'COURSE,
I UNDERSTAND, DEAR.
I'LL LEAVE AT ONCE.
[FRUSTRATED SIGH]
[SIGHS RESENTFULLY]
I THINK ALL THE SHELTERS ARE
PROBABLY CLOSED FOR THE NIGHT,
BUT I THINK SOMEWHERE
I COULD FIND A...
[VOICE CRACKS]: ...A PARK BENCH
TO HUDDLE ON.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU HAVE
TO SLEEP ON A PARK BENCH.
NO, NO. YOU DON'T WANT AN...
[SNIFFS, THEN SOBS]
...AN OLD... [WEEPS]
...LONELY WIDOW
INTRUDING ON YOUR HAPPINESS.
[GROANS THEATRICALLY]
MOM?
ARE YOU OKAY?
[RENEE]:
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, DEAR.
GIVE ME THIS.
I'LL BE FINE. [SIGHS]
OKAY, I'M GOING TO
HELP YOU TO YOUR ROOM.
ALL RIGHT.
[SIGHS, FRAUGHT]
WE WOULD
LOVE TO HAVE YOU.
[CONSOLINGLY]:
YOU'RE OKAY.
[SIGHS]
[BOXING MATCH PLAYS
ON TELEVISION]
HEY, NICK.
[MOUTH FULL]: HEY, GORGEOUS.
[TURNS VOLUME OFF]
WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
WHAT'S IN MY HAND?
NICK, YOU KNOW I'M OFF CARBS.
OH! OH, SORRY,
WAS THAT A...
WAS THAT A REAL THING?
[LAUGHS]: YEAH.
NO, IT'S FINE.
I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY ANYWAY.
OH, JUST PLEASE TELL ME
YOU FIXED THE FAUCETS
IN THE BATHROOM.
BECAUSE I AM
COVERED IN DOG DROOL
AND I NEED TO SCRUB
EVERY INCH OF MY BODY.
YUP, ALL FIXED.
OKAY.
[TURNS VOLUME ON]
OH! WHAT?
[YELLS]: NICK!
YEAH?
[TURNS VOLUME OFF]
UM...
WHAT IS THIS... DEAR?
OH, IT'S GREAT,
ISN'T IT?
LOOK, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS MAKE SURE
THIS METAL NUB HERE
IS CLAMPED DOWN,
AND THEN YOU TWIST.
AND IF YOU WANT IT HOTTER,
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS BRING IT BACK
AND TWIST AGAIN. HERE.
[CREAKING]
[SHOWER PELTING]
OH, WOW, THAT...
THAT IS VERY...
RESOURCEFUL.
YEAH.
I, UH, FIXED THE DRIP
IN THE SINK, TOO.
SO THERE'S
NO PLUMBER COMING?
BABY, WHY WOULD WE
SPEND MONEY ON A PLUMBER
IF I CAN FIX I MYSELF, HUH?
YOU'RE WELCOME.
[GRUNTS]
BETTER?
MUCH.
HEY, WHO DID YOU
END UP HIRING
AS YOUR NEW ASSISTANT?
ANNA. DUH.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE
KIDDING ME!
WHY? WHAT'S WRONG
WITH ANNA?
SERIOUSLY?
ANNA DELANO?
WITH THE LINGERING HUGS
AND THE MEATBALLS
AND THE...
SHE WAS HUNGRY.
I WAS HUNGRY, NICK!
[STYROFOAM CRUNCHING]
WHA... WHY IS THIS
A BIG DEAL?
BECAUSE YOU DATED HER
FOR THREE YEARS!
IN HIGH SCHOOL!
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL
ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL.
SEVEN YEARS AGO!
SHE TORMENTED ME!
AND SHE BROKE MY HEART...
SHE BROKE YOUR HEART?
WELL... [SIGHS]
SHE WAS MY FIRST LOVE.
YOU KNOW THAT.
OH, COME ON, BABE.
THAT WAS JUST PUPPY-LOVE.
NOT LIKE US...
WE GOT BIG-DOG LOVE.
I'M TALKING LABRADOR-LOVE.
NO. GREAT DANE-LOVE.
OKAY? COME HERE.
WELL, THAT'S NO THE POINT, NICK!
THEN WHAT'S THE POINT?
YOU'RE JEALOUS?
[SCOFFS BITTERLY]
YOU... COME ON, CASE.
SHE'S THE BEST SECRETARY
I SAW.
SHE CAN TYPE,
AND PLUS, SHE'S WILLING
TO WORK LONG HOURS.
OH, I BET SHE IS!
WHAT WAS THA SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
YOU KNOW WHAT,
FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF.
YOU'RE GOOD AT THAT.
DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'RE OVERREACTING JUST A BIT?
[CASEY TURNS ON WATER,
SHRIEKS IN TERROR]
[SHUTS WATER OFF]
[BLURTS]: AM I?
CASEY, ANNA PALES IN...
[SNICKERING]:
...COMPARISON TO YOU.
WHAT... WHAT...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I JUST CAN' LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW.
AND SINCE WE DON' HAVE A BEDROOM
WITH A DOOR
THAT I CAN SHUT,
I'M GONNA GO SLEEP
UPSTAIRS IN THE STORE.
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA
LET YOU SLEEP
IN THE DOGHOUSE
ALL NIGHT.
FINE! THEN YOU GO!
FINE!
WHA... WHAT? N... NO! I...
FINE! BUT CAN I AT LEAS PUT PANTS ON FIRST?
NO!
[NICK FUMES]
[WORDS CATCH, SIGHS]
ARE YOU
OPENING MY MAIL?
OH, SILLY ME.
I FORGOT THERE ARE
TWO "MRS. MILLERS"
IN THE HOUSE NOW.
CAN I HAVE
MY MAIL, PLEASE?
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT IS IT?
ARE YOU BEING SUED
FOR MALPRACTICE?
WHAT? NO.
IT'S NOTHING.
[BELL JINGLES]
THANKS.
[DOOR CREAKS AND JINGLES SHUT]
[PHONE RINGS]
HEY, CASEY.
STELLA,
DID YOU GET THE LETTER?
WHAT LETTER?
YOU NEED TO CHECK
YOUR MAIL NOW!
LOOK FOR A LETTER
FROM THE COUNTY
CLERK'S OFFICE.
OH, WHAT? DID OUR MARRIAGE
LICENSES FINALLY GET DELIVERED?
I'D LAUGH AT THAT STATEMEN IF I WASN'T DYING INSIDE.
- [SNAPS]: HEY! NO FREE SAMPLES!
- [DOG WHINES]
ERIN'S ON HER WAY,
SO YOU'D BETTER GE YOUR BUTT OVER HERE, PRONTO.
[CLAPS PHONE SHU AND HUFFS]
"THIS IS TO INFORM YOU
THAT YOUR MARRIAGE LICENSE..."
"...WAS NO PROPERLY SIGNED
AND FILED IN ACCORDANCE
WITH STATE LAW."
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
IT MEANS WE'RE IN TROUBLE.
NONE OF US
ARE LEGALLY MARRIED.
I CANNOT BELIEVE
THAT REVEREND MIKE IS DEAD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DIED
BEFORE SIGNING ANY OF
OUR MARRIAGE LICENSES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
NONE OF US ARE
ACTUALLY MARRIED.
HOW COULD THIS
HAPPEN?
WE NEEDED
REVEREND MIKE'S SIGNATURES
ON THE LICENSES
TO MAKE THEM LEGAL.
IT SAYS HE HAD A MONTH'S WORTH
OF BACKLOGGED PAPERWORK
WAITING TO BE SIGNED.
AND WE ALL JUS HAD TO BE...
[TOGETHER, BITTERLY]:
...JUNE BRIDES.
THIS IS
UNBELIEVABLE.
WELL, WE'D BETTER BELIEVE IT,
AND WE BETTER FIGURE OUT WHA WE'RE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT.
OH, WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
I'M GONNA CALL MARK
AND GET HIM TO MEET ME
AT THE COURTHOUSE
THIS MINUTE
SO I CAN DO THIS WHOLE
THING OVER AGAIN.
I'M IN NO RUSH
TO MARRY DAVID AGAIN,
AFTER I FOUND OUT THA HE AND "MOMMIE DEAREST"
ARE A PACKAGE DEAL.
I CAN'T TELL NICK.
AFTER THE FIGH WE HAD LAST NIGHT,
I DON'T KNOW
IF HE'LL MARRY ME AGAIN.
HONEY, WHAT HAPPENED?
HE HIRED EVIL ANNA
AS HIS NEW SECRETARY.
- NO.
- [DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
WHO'S ANNA?
I AM!
[ALL]: ANNA!
[DOOR JINGLES]
WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME?
[STAMMERS] UH...
THAT IS SO SWEET!
SO, WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?
OH!
I FOUND THIS LITTLE GUY
ON THE STREE AND HE STARTED
FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE,
JUST LIKE NICK USED TO DO
IN HIGH SCHOOL. REMEMBER?
SO, I CALLED NICK.
OF COURSE YOU DID.
AND HE TOLD ME
THAT YOU RUN A POUND!
I DON' RUN A "POUND."
OR A SHELTER OR WHATEVER,
SO... HERE YOU GO!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"HERE YOU GO"?
I MEAN, TAKE HIM.
HE'S YOURS.
OOH...
HMM?
OH... UM...
NO, THANKS.
PEANUT ALLERGY.
OH, GOOD. MM.
I DON'T RUN A POUND.
BUT YOU'RE GOING TO
TAKE THE DOG, RIGHT?
-NO.
-YES.
-NO.
- YES.
- NO.
YES.
NO-O-O.
OKAY THEN, WHATEVER YOU SAY.
[DOOR CREAKS AND JINGLES]
HA! I WIN!
CASE, YOU DO KNOW
SHE LEFT THE DOG, RIGHT?
WHAT?
[WHINES]
I TOLD YOU SHE WAS EVIL!
TRUE...
BUT HE IS ADORABLE!
HELLO. COME HERE.
HI-I-I!
YOU ARE SO CUTE'N'PUFFY!
YOU'RE A LITTLE PUFFY-WUFFY,
AREN'T YOU?
OH, YOU'RE JUS MY LITTLE CUDDLEPUFF!
WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW, I MEAN,
I CAN'T KEEP HIM.
MY LANDLORD
BARELY TOLERATES
DOGS COMING
INTO THE STORE.
WELL, YOU CAN' SEND HIM TO THE POUND.
NO. UNTIL I TRACK DOWN
HIS REAL OWNER,
I'LL JUST HAVE TO
FIND SOMEONE TO KEEP HIM.
[CHILD-LIKE SING-SONG]:
YOU ARE SO CUTE
YOU ARE MY LITTLE BABY
I'M GONNA DRESS YOU UP
IN ALL SORTS OF CLOTHES.
[DOG YAPS]
COME ON!
GIVE ME LITTLE KISSES.
HELLO!
[GASPS] HI!
HI! [GIGGLES]
ARE YOU THIRSTY, BABY?
WANT ME TO GET YOU SOME WATER?
GO ON.
OH! YOU'RE SO CUTE.
OH, YAY. WE CAN FINALLY USE
SOME OF THE WEDDING CHINA.
DON'T TELL MARK
THAT I'M GIVING A DOG
THIS BOWL, OKAY?
ACTUALLY...
I THINK IT'S THE UGLIEST THING
I'VE EVER SEEN.
HIS AUNT ERIKA
SENT IT TO US.
BUT DON'T TELL HIM THAT, EITHER.
[SIGHS HAPPILY]: BUT YOU CAN
MAKE ANYTHING LOOK CUTE,
COULDN'T YOU,
LITTLE PUFFY-WUFFY?
'CAUSE YOU'RE JUST THE CUTES LITTLE BABY I'VE EVER SE...
PUFFY!
WHAT DID YOU DO?
[LINE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING OVER BLARING TV]
[RINGING]
[RENEE]: HELLO?
[TV CONTINUES PLAYING]
ERIN, IS THAT YOU?
RENEE?
CALL ME "MOM."
WHO ELSE WOULD BE
ANSWERING YOUR PHONE
THIS TIME OF NIGHT?
MY HUSBAND MIGHT.
OH, HE'S BEEN
ASLEEP SINCE 8:00.
HE WORKS SO HARD
AT THE OFFICE,
AND PITCHES IN
AROUND HERE, TOO,
SINCE YOU'RE ALWAYS TOO BUSY
TO KEEP HOUSE.
[CRUNCHING]
OKAY, WELL,
I NEED TO SPEAK WITH HIM
ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT.
WOULD YOU KNOCK
ON THE BEDROOM DOOR
AND ASK HIM
TO PICK UP THE PHONE?
OH, I JUST COULDN'T.
BUT I'LL TELL HIM YOU CALLED
WHEN HE WAKES UP
TOMORROW MORNIN'.
HOW'S THAT?
RENEE, I NEED...
YOU KNOW,
DAVID AND I HAD
THE MOST WONDERFUL
TIME TOGETHER TONIGHT.
WE SA IN THE LIVIN' ROOM,
AND JUST CHATTED
AND TALKED, AND...
AH, IT WAS JUS LIKE OLD TIMES.
MAY I SPEAK WITH MY HUSBAND?
PLEASE?
DON'T BE SELFISH, DARLING.
[FUMES IN RAGE]
[PHONE BEEPS]
[TV BLARING]
[CACKLES]
[MARK]:
STELLA? I'M HOME!
[DOG STARTS YAPPING,
MARK YELPS]
[STUMBLING, FEROCIOUS BARKING]
[ROARS]: STELLA!
[BARKING]
STELLA!
STELLA, GET THIS THING
OFF OF ME!
STELLA!
GET IT OFF OF ME!
WHAT THE...
GET IT OFF!
PUFFY!
- [MARK WHIMPERS]
- PUFFY!
- [YAPPING]
- COME HERE.
GET IT...
[GRUNTS]
OH! HE LIKES YOU!
WHAT IS THAT...
CREATURE DOING IN HERE?
IT'S A LONG STORY.
UM, YOU'RE NO ALLERGIC TO DOGS, RIGHT?
NO.
OH, THAT'S GOOD!
BUT I HATE THEM.
OH, NOT SO GOOD. WHY?
[TINKLING]
NO SELF-CONTROL.
[STIFLES LAUGHTER]
PUFFY! NO!
[NICK SIGHS WEARILY]
HEY, BEAUTIFUL.
HEY.
HOW WAS WORK?
AW, COME ON, CASE.
I'M SORRY IF I UPSET YOU
BY HIRING ANNA.
I KNOW YOU TWO DIDN' GET ALONG IN HIGH SCHOOL.
SHE TORTURED ME. DAILY.
SHE'S A DIFFERENT PERSON NOW,
I SWEAR.
[SCOFFS]
YOU HUNGRY?
I BROUGHT YOU SOME DINNER BACK
FROM THE WHITE BIRCH.
ARE YOU TRYING TO
BUY MY FORGIVENESS WITH FOOD?
IS IT... WORKING?
DEPENDS ON
IF YOU ALSO BROUGHT ME DESSERT.
[DOOR CREAKS]
DAVID?
[WHISPERS]:
GOOD NIGHT, SWEETHEART.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT A DOG
WITHOUT CONSULTING ME FIRST.
WELL, I MEAN, I DIDN' ACTUALLY "GET" HIM,
WE'RE JUST TAKING CARE
OF HIM FOR A FEW DAYS
UNTIL WE FIND HIS OWNERS.
PLEASE?
HOW COULD I SAY NO TO YOU?
[LAUGHS]
GO AHEAD.
I SAW I AND I THOUGHT OF YOU.
- WHAT IS IT?
- MM.
IS IT A PASHMINA?
MM-MM, MM-MM, MM-MM, MM
IS IT SOMETHING
NAUGHTY?
MM-HMM.
WOW...
I THINK IT'S
A LITTLE SMALL FOR ME.
IT'S FOR OUR BABY, SILLY.
[SNICKERS]
MARK.
WE JUST GOT MARRIED
A MONTH AGO.
YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY
THINK WE'RE READY
TO START TRYING.
I'M READY,
AND I'M NOT GETTING
ANY YOUNGER.
OH! YOU'RE SERIOUS?
MM-HMM.
I DON'T WANT TO
HAVE A BABY YET.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE
MY CLOCK IS TICKING.
I'M ONLY 27!
AND THE YOUNGER YOU ARE,
THE MORE YOUR BODY
WILL RECOVER FROM THE TRAUMA
AND THE QUICKER YOU LOSE
THAT EXCESS BODY WEIGHT.
EXCUSE ME?
[QUICKLY]: I LOVE YOU!
WHAT'S THAT THING
DOING IN HERE?
SHH! BABY IS SLEEPING!
I DON'T WAN AN ANIMAL IN MY BED.
GET HIM OUT!
WELL, YOU CAN' ALWAYS GE WHAT YOU WANT,
CAN YOU?
YOU REMEMBERED
ABOUT THE NO-CARBS.
OF COURSE I DID.
LISTEN,
THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT.
UH-OH.
NO, IT'S NOT BAD.
I MEAN, IT ISN'T GOOD,
BUT IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
IT'S JUST...
WE GOT A LETTER TODAY
FROM THE COUNTY CLERK'S
OFFICE, AND...
WAIT. THAT'S NO YOUR SIGNATURE.
IT'S NO WHAT YOU THINK.
[AGHAST]: YOU HAD
DINNER WITH ANNA?
OKAY, IT IS WHAT YOU THINK.
BUT, UH... I BROUGHT YOU
THE LEFTOVERS!
[PUFF]
I'M IN THE DOGHOUSE AGAIN,
AREN'T I?
LITERALLY.
WANNA PLAY "DOCTOR"?
YES.
I DO.
DAVID?
OOH! OH.
MOM! WHAT THE HECK
ARE YOU DOING?
OH, DON'T MIND ME.
I JUST CAME TO
GET YOUR TROUSERS.
WHAT?
I JUST NEED TO PRESS THEM
BEFORE YOUR BIG MEETING TODAY.
IT'S 6:00 IN THE MORNING,
MOM, COME ON!
I'M SORRY!
I JUST CAN' SLEEP PAST DAWN
SINCE YOUR FATHER DIED.
OKAY, OKAY,
JUST TAKE THE PANTS AND GO.
[AWKWARD CHUCKLING]
OH, HOW DO YOU
WANT YOUR EGGS?
SCRAMBLED!
OKAY.
[CHUCKLES]: OH, GOD.
WHOA, WHOA! HEY!
WAIT! WHERE'RE YOU GOING?
I THOUGHT WE WERE...
MAKING A HOUSE-CALL?
WHY DON'T YOU
HAVE YOUR MOMMY
MAKE AN APPOINTMEN LATER?
ERIN.
ERIN?
OH, SO, I WAS LOOKING
ON THE INTERNET THIS MORNING,
JUST BROWSING,
AND I SAW THA THE CHERAMOYA MUSEUM
HAS AN OPENING
FOR AN ASSISTANT CURATOR.
STELLA,
YOU'D BE PERFECT!
WHO SAYS A DEGREE
IN ART HISTORY
WAS A WASTE
OF TUITION?
I KNOW, RIGHT!
BUT MARK WANTS TO STAR HAVING BABIES RIGHT AWAY.
YOU CAN WAI TO HAVE A BABY.
YEAH, I KNOW, THAT'S
EXACTLY WHAT I SAID.
[LOCKED DOOR RATTLES]
[KNOCKING]
HUH, THAT'S WEIRD.
CASEY WAS SUPPOSED TO
OPEN UP AN HOUR AGO.
LET'S CHECK DOWNSTAIRS.
[KNOCKS AND OPENS DOOR]
CASEY?
I'M OVER HERE.
OH, SWEET LORD...
WHAT HAPPENED?
CASEY?
ARE YOU OKAY?
EVERY TIME I FINISH
A TUBE OF COOKIE DOUGH,
I THINK I'VE REACHED
THE LOW POINT...
AND THEN I FIND
ANOTHER ONE IN THE FREEZER.
IS THAT COOKIE DOUGH
IN YOUR HAIR?
[CREAM-MUFFLED]:
MM. PROBABLY.
WHAT HAPPENED?
[BANGS CAN DOWN]
HE TOOK HER FOR DINNER
AND THEN BROUGHT ME
THE LEFTOVERS.
- NO WAY!
- SHUT UP!
YEAH. I MEAN,
AM I BEING THAT WIFE?
IT'S JUST...
WHEN I SAW HER...
WHEN I THINK OF HER...
I JUST THINK OF HIGH SCHOOL.
AND I KNOW IT'S WRONG AND STUPID
AND I SHOULD BE OVER IT,
BUT SHE'S MORE BEAUTIFUL NOW
THAN SHE EVER WAS.
NOW HE GETS TO SPEND
ALL DAY AT WORK WITH HER,
AND HE WOULDN'T EVEN
TAKE ME ON A HONEYMOON.
CASEY, STOP.
NICK LOVES YOU.
YEAH.
BUT HE DOESN'T NOTICE ME,
NOT WITH ANNA AROUND.
I MEAN, HOW AM I
SUPPOSED TO COMPETE
WITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
WITH THE BOOBS
THAT DON'T NEED A PUSH-UP BRA
AND HER STUPID FACE
THAT LOOKS LIKE IT HAS
MAKE-UP ON I EVEN WHEN IT DOESN'T.
I JUST...
I'M STILL FEEL LIKE
THAT UGLY GIRL
WITH THE FAT CHIN
AND ACNE AND THE...
OH-KAY, CASEY.
LISTEN TO ME
FOR A SECOND.
LOOK, EVEN THOUGH
YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN
A LITTLE... CHUBBY,
YOU WERE STILL
ONE OF THE MOS BEAUTIFUL GIRLS
IN THAT SCHOOL.
YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY
TO THE FAT GIRLS
IN BAD SITCOMS.
OKAY, CASEY, ENOUGH!
OKAY, WHEN I LOOK AT YOU,
I SEE THIS SEXY AND SMAR PROFESSIONAL WOMAN,
AND YOU NEED TO SEE
YOURSELF THAT WAY, TOO.
YOU KNOW WHO COULD
HELP MAKE THAT HAPPEN?
WHO?
[TOGETHER]: SEBASTIEN!
WAIT. WHO IS SEBASTIEN?
STYLISTS! CODE RED!
LET'S GE THIS PARTY STARTED.
SEBASTIEN'S TALKIN'
TOTAL MAKEOVER!
...MARCHIN' TO
THE RHYTHM OF THE DRUM
BUT I HEAR
A DIFFERENT VOICE INSIDE
TELLIN' ME
TO STAND MY GROUND
I'VE NEVER BEEN ONE
TO STAND IN LINE
AND WAIT FOR MY TURN...
SO I'M...
DO BETTER
THAN I'VE EVER DONE
DO BETTER THAN
I'VE EVER DONE...
LADIES, MAY I PRESENT...
CASEY...
2.0!
[ALL APPLAUDING]
NOW LET'S GO SHOPPING!
DO BETTER
THAN I'VE EVER DONE
DO BETTER THAN
I'VE EVER DONE
DO BETTER
THAN I'VE EVER DONE
I'M GONNA SHINE BRIGHTER
THAN I'VE EVER SHONE
I'M GONNA PLAY HARDER
THAN I'VE EVER KNOWN
I'M GONNA SING LOUDER
THAN I'VE EVER SUNG
I'M GONNA DO BETTER
THAN I'VE EVER DONE
I'M GONNA...
OH, ERIN, I WAS
GONNA TELL YOU,
THEY JUST OPENED
A SENIORS' CENTER DOWNTOWN.
MAYBE IT'S SOMETHING
YOU SHOULD LOOK INTO.
OH, THANKS, STELLA,
BUT MY SPECIALTY
IS ACTUALLY PEDIATRICS,
NOT GERIATRICS.
NOT FOR YOUR WORK,
YA GOOBER!
FOR YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW!
THEY'S ALL KINDS OF
GAMES AND ACTIVITIES
FOR OLD PEOPLE.
THAT'S THE BEST IDEA
I'VE EVER HEARD.
MAYBE IF SHE FOUND
SOME NEW FRIENDS,
SHE WOULDN'T BE
SO DEPENDENT ON DAVID.
THE MINUTE
WE'RE DONE HERE,
I'M GOING TO GO
SIGN HER UP
FOR EVERYTHING.
I CAN'T WAI TO SHOW NICK MY NEW LOOK
AND MAKE HIM THINK
ANNA DELANO NEVER EXISTED.
DO ME A FAVOR FIRST?
- YEAH?
- BURN THAT SHIRT.
I LIKE THIS SHIRT.
IT'S UGLY.
[LAUGHS]
HEY, CASEY!
ANNA.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?
OH... GEE, THANKS.
NO! I MEAN, IT LOOKS GOOD.
REALLY. I'M NO JUST SAYING THAT.
CAN I HELP YOU
WITH SOMETHING?
NO, THANK YOU.
DO YOU WANT ME TO GIVE
NICK A MESSAGE FOR YOU?
I DON'T WANT YOU
TO DO ANYTHING...
OOH. OOH...
...EXCEPT FOR YOU
TO MOVE OUT OF MY WAY
AND LET ME SEE MY HUSBAND!
HE'S NOT HERE.
YEAH, RIGHT.
OH.
HE'S IN A MEETING
ABOUT THE PIEDMONT DEAL.
WILL YOU JUST PLEASE
LET HIM KNOW
THAT HE HAS A BIG SURPRISE
WAITING FOR HIM
WHEN HE GETS HOME.
OH, HE'S GOT A REALLY BUSY DAY.
WHO KNOWS
WHEN HE'LL GET HOME?
[FORCED CHUCKLE]
- BYE, CASEY!
- MM-HMM.
THIS MAC-AND-CHEESE
IS AMAZING.
I USED
SHAVED PECORINO
AND JUST A DASH
OF TRUFFLE OIL.
I KNOW YOU'D BE SATISFIED
WITH THAT ORANGE ATROCITY
THAT COMES OUT OF A BOX,
BUT... [SIGHS GRANDLY]
YOU KNOW ME,
DELUSIONS OF JULIA CHILD.
I'LL ADMIT IT,
YOU'RE DELUSIONAL.
[CLEARS HIS THROAT]
YOU KNOW, I HAPPEN
TO LIKE THE ORANGE STUFF.
AND ERIN
IS TOO BUSY
SAVING LIVES TO COOK,
SO I WOULD SAY THAT'S
A PRETTY GOOD TRADE.
I'D HARDLY CALL
PASSING OUT ASPIRIN
AND GETTING URINE SAMPLES
"SAVING LIVES."
SO, SOME FUN NEWS,
RENEE...
CALL ME "MOM."
MY FRIEND STELLA
TOLD ME ABOU A NEW SENIOR CENTER
THAT THEY JUST OPENED
ON 6TH STREET,
SO I SIGNED YOU UP
FOR SOME ACTIVITIES.
YOU SIGNED ME UP?
WI... WITHOU CONSULTING ME FIRST?
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT!
THEY HAVE A BRIDGE CLUB,
WATER AEROBICS
A QUILTING CIRCLE...
QUILTING?
EXACTLY HOW ANCIEN DO YOU THINK I AM, DEAR?
OKAY, IF YOU DON' LIKE THAT,
THEN THERE ARE
SOCIAL EVENTS TOO
NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT,
THERE IS A SENIORS'
SINGLE-MINGLE.
WHY, TO EVEN SUGGES THAT I WOULD PARTAKE
IN SOMETHING SO...
TACKY!
OKAY, UH, I'M SORRY.
I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE
FUN FOR YOU TO GO
AND MEE SOME NEW PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER
LEAVE THE HOUSE.
IF I'M SUCH AN IMPOSITION,
I'LL PACK MY BAGS
AND LEAVE TONIGHT,
JUST SAY THE WORD.
NO, MOM.
WE DO NOT... [SIGHS]
DAVID.
THIS WOULD BE
GOOD FOR HER,
AND IT WOULD BE
GOOD FOR US.
I DON'T KNOW.
MOM?
MARK, YOU LOCKED
PUFFY IN THE BASEMENT?
'CAUSE IT WAS
DRIVING ME CRAZY.
SKITTERING
AROUND EVERYWHERE,
DROOLING AND BARKING.
- "HE."
- HUH?
OUR DOG IS A "HE,"
NOT AN "IT."
IT'S NOT OUR DOG!
PUFFY! HI!
HI!
OH, HI!
- [PUFFY WHINES]
- OHH...
IS THIS WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO
WHEN OUR BABY'S
SKITTERING AROUND,
DROOLING AND BARKING?
YOU MEAN CRYING?
WHATEVER.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
WELL, I LEFT THE LIGHT ON.
[CHUCKLES]
NOT FUNNY.
AWW, YOU POOR BABY.
DID MEAN OL' MARK
LOCK YOU IN THE BASEMENT?
IT'S OKAY.
MOMMY'S HERE.
[LAUGHING]
MOMMY'S HERE.
WHAT?
YOU SAID "MOMMY."
I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.
[HUFFS] COME ON, PUFFY.
I THINK YOU AND I
NEED TO HAVE A WALK.
AND NICK GOT HOME
SO LATE FROM WORK,
HE DIDN'T EVEN
NOTICE MY HAIR.
AND THE MAKEUP?
ALREADY WASHED OFF.
HERE, I'LL GO PUT SOME
ACROSS THE STREET.
[STAPLER CLACKS
AS CAR ENGINE ROARS]
STELLA!
[YELPS AS TIRES SCREECH]
I AM SO SORRY!
NO! I AM SO SORRY.
I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK!
NO. I AM SORRY.
ARE YOU... ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, YEAH. I'M FINE.
- ARE YOU SURE?
- YES.
- YOU'RE OKAY?
- I'M OKAY.
YOU KNOW,
YOU COULD STOP TRAFFIC
WITH JUST YOUR SMILE.
THERE'S NO REASON
TO RISK YOUR LIFE, TOO.
BYE.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?
YEAH, I'M FINE.
WELL, IF YOU'RE
GONNA BE RUN OVER,
IT MIGHT AS WELL BE
BY SOMEONE
WHO LOOKS LIKE THAT.
[PHONE RINGS]
IT'S THE CHERAMOYA
MUSEUM!
THE INTERVIEW.
I'M FREAKING OUT.
WHAT DO I DO?
ANSWER IT!
OKAY, OKAY. AHEM!
HELLO?
STELLA SPEAKING.
[HORN BEEPS]
[STELLA]: I CAN'T BELIEVE
THEY WANT TO MEET ME RIGHT AWAY!
CASEY, STEP ON IT.
[STELLA GRUNTING]
ERIN, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR LENDING ME THIS SUIT.
WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE!
LOOK, STELLA,
CALM DOWN.
I CAN'T CALM DOWN.
THE ASSISTANT CURATOR
POSITION AT THE CHERAMOYA
IS MY DREAM JOB,
AND I'M GOING TO MISS IT.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
WE'RE GONNA BE FIVE
MINUTES EARLY. I PROMISE.
YOU DRIVE, YOU CHANGE,
AND I'LL PRAY WE DON'T GE INTO AN ACCIDENT AND DIE.
STELLA!
THANK YOU!
BREAK A LEG.
THANKS, GUYS.
KNOCK 'EM DEAD!
SIR? HUMAN RESOURCES?
THANK YOU.
SORRY.
HI. I'M HERE
FOR THE ASSISTANT CURATOR
POSITION.
[QUIET CONVERSATION IN KITCHEN]
[RENEE CHUCKLES WARMLY]
OH!
- ERIN, YOU'RE HOME.
- HELLO.
JUST IN TIME TO MEE HENRY, MY PARTNER
AT BRIDGE CLUB TODAY.
THAT'S MY DAUGHTER-
IN-LAW, ERIN.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
REALLY. RENEE DIDN'T MENTION
HER SON WAS MARRIED.
HENRY, LET ME
SHOW YOU OUT.
PLEASURE PLAYING WITH YOU
THIS AFTERNOON.
WELL, LOOKS LIKE
THE SINGLE-MINGLES
ARE REALLY PAYING OFF.
ONE BRIDGE GAME,
AND YOU ALREADY HAVE
YOURSELF A BOYFRIEND?
HE'S NO MY BOYFRIEND.
ALL HE DID WAS
DRIVE ME HOME TODAY.
I ACTUALLY HAVE AS LITTLE
INTEREST IN DATING HIM
AS I WOULD IN
EATING YOUR COOKING.
GEEZ, MOM. WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE THE GUY A CHANCE?
SERIOUSLY. HE'S CUTE.
LIKE AN OLDER
JUSTIN BIEBER.
I ONLY LISTEN
TO COUNTRY MUSIC.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
HENRY AND I WON
AT BRIDGE CLUB TODAY.
THE PRIZE WAS A GIFT CERTIFICATE
TO THE WHITE BIRCH.
DINNER FOR TWO.
AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT. HERE.
THANK YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU GO
TOMORROW NIGHT?
THEY HAVE ME WORKING
ANOTHER LATE SHIFT.
OH, GOOD! WE...
"TOMORROW" NOTHING.
GO PUT ON SOME HEELS, BABY.
I'M TAKING YOU OUT TONIGHT.
NO, DAVID,
I DIDN'T MEAN...
MOM, YOU SAID THA THESE WERE FOR ME,
SO I AM GOING TO USE I TO TAKE MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE
OUT FOR
A ROMANTIC DINNER.
JUST THE TWO OF US.
OKAY?
FINE.
I'LL JUST STAY HERE.
ALONE.
HOPIN' NOBODY BREAKS IN
AND KIDNAPS ME.
YOU SHOULD INVITE
YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND OVER.
HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!
OH, DON'T YOU SAY...
OOH...
DON'T YOU SAY A WORD!
MM-HMM. MM-HMM.
[BACKGROUND CHATTER]
[AMBIENT MUSIC, CONVERSATION]
I SAY THE DEAL IS OFF.
I DON'T CARE HOW BIG...
- HI.
- THERE'S MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE.
I'M SO SORRY
I'M LATE.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
- UM..
- IT'S OKAY.
NEVER MIND. I WANT TO
INTRODUCE YOU TO SOME PEOPLE.
STELLA, THIS IS BILL,
HE'S THE HEAD OF ADVERTISING.
HEY, CASE.
OH. YOU'RE HOME EARLY.
[EXHALES]
OH, WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I KNOW...
I LOOK RIDICULOUS.
NO. YOU LOOK...
WOW.
I MEAN...
WOW.
WOW.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
...AND THEN,
THEY ALL DROPPED.
[MEN LAUGHING]
CRAZY. OKAY, EXCUSE ME.
CAN YOU BELIEVE MARK'S
LITTLE BLONDE POODLE?
I KNOW.
IT'S SO OBVIOUS
SHE ONLY MARRIED HIM
FOR HIS MONEY.
MARK DESERVES
SO MUCH BETTER.
I WONDER HOW LONG
BEFORE SHE GETS
HERSELF KNOCKED UP?
YOU KNOW,
TO NULL THE PRE-NUP?
GOLD-DIGGING LITTLE TART.
[WOMAN LAUGHS DERISIVELY]
EXCUSE ME. UM...
BABE, CAN I TALK
TO YOU FOR A SECOND?
STELLA, I'M JUST IN THE MIDDLE
OF A CONVERSATION.
PLEASE.
OKAY. EXCUSE ME.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN
TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT ME?
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
EVERYBODY HERE THINKS
I'M A GOLD-DIGGER
WHO'S TRYING TO TRAP YOU
INTO HAVING A BABY.
WHAT?
YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD
WHAT THEY'RE SAYING
ABOUT ME IN THE BATHROOM.
IT WAS HUMILIATING.
I'M SURE
YOU JUST MISHEARD THEM.
NO. I DIDN'T.
CAN WE PLEASE
JUST GO?
[GRUMBLING SIGH]
I CAN'T. IT'S MY PARTY.
OKAY. FINE.
SEE YOU AT HOME.
HONEY.
STELLA.
[BACKGROUND CHATTER]
[LOUDER]: EXCUSE ME. HONEY!
WOULD YOU HOLD...
STELLA! PLEASE.
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU?
YOU SHOW UP LATE,
YOU WANT TO LEAVE EARLY
BECAUSE OF A MISUNDERSTANDING...
IT WASN'T...
I'M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.
OKAY, MARK,
IF I AM SO DISAPPOINTING,
MAYBE WE SHOULD
JUST STAY SINGLE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
STAY SINGLE?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT I WHEN YOU GET HOME, OKAY?
JUST GO BACK TO YOUR PARTY.
NO, NO. I WANT TO
TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
STAY SINGLE?
WOW...
[GIGGLES]
I LOVE YOU, CASE.
MM, I LOVE YOU, NICK.
THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED TO TELL YOU.
[BACKGROUND CHATTER]
IT IS SO NICE
TO FINALLY HAVE
SOME TIME ALONE
TOGETHER.
A TOAST.
TO MY WIFE.
TO MY HUSBAND.
TO US.
[CLINKING]
STOP!
THAT WOMAN
IS NOT YOUR WIFE!
[SMACKS PAPER DOWN]
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL,
NICK, REALLY.
ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GO
DOWN TO THE COURTHOUSE
AND MAKE IT LEGAL.
WHEN DID YOU GET THIS?
A WEEK AGO? I THINK?
YOU THINK?
A WEEK AGO.
I DON'T GET IT.
WHY WOULDN'T YOU TELL ME THEN?
BECAUSE WE WERE FIGHTING.
WE WERE FIGHTING,
AND I WAS AFRAID
I WAS GOING TO LOSE YOU,
AND I COULDN'T IMAGINE IT,
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU
SO, SO MUCH.
BABY, BABY.
WHY WOULD YOU
EVER WORRY
THAT YOU WERE
GOING TO LOSE ME?
BECAUSE OF ANNA.
NOT THIS AGAIN!
LOOK, I'VE TOLD YOU
A HUNDRED TIMES,
THERE'S NOTHING
GOING ON THERE.
- I KNOW, BUT...
- DON'T YOU TRUST ME?
I DON'T TRUST HER.
OKAY, ENOUGH!
OKAY, LOOK,
I DON'T KNOW WHO
THIS JEALOUS GIRL IS
YOU'VE BECOME,
BUT IT'S NOT THE WOMAN
I FELL IN LOVE WITH.
WAIT, WHA ARE YOU DOING?
WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS
MORE WHEN I GET BACK.
- BACK?
- FROM PIEDMONT.
I'VE GOT BACK-TO-BACK MEETINGS
ALL WEEK,
SO I'M HEADING DOWN THERE
TONIGHT TO CHECK INTO A HOTEL.
UNLIKE YOU, I TOLD YOU
ABOUT THIS OVER A MONTH AGO.
YEAH, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO
GO RIGHT NOW!
NICK!
LOOK, I THINK WE BOTH COULD
USE SOME TIME TO COOL OFF
AND JUST THINK.
THINK?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NICK, DON'T DO THAT,
BECAUSE THINKING
IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.
NICK?
[ZIPPING]
OKAY, OKAY.
NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.
LOOK, GO TO PIEDMONT,
AND LAND THE DEAL
AND-AND... THINK.
WE CAN GO TO THE COURTHOUSE
WHEN YOU GET BACK.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[SIGHS]
SO YOU GO THE LETTER A WEEK AGO?
YEAH.
AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
BECAUSE YOU JUST...
FORGOT?
SORT OF.
OKAY, THEN.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO
BE MAD AT ME.
MAD? WHY
WOULD I BE MAD?
THIS IS GONNA BE
A GREAT STORY
TO TELL OUR KIDS.
[SHE LAUGHS]
KIDS. [CHUCKLES]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[PHONE RINGS]
MARK! THE PHONE.
LET THE MACHINE
GET IT.
[RINGING]
YOU'VE REACHED
MARK AND STELLA.
LEAVE A MESSAGE. [BEEP]
[MAN]: HELLO, STELLA.
THIS IS HAL BORKORWITZ,
OVER AT THE CHERAMOYA MUSEUM.
GOOD NEWS, YOU GOT THE JOB.
WE'RE SENDING THE CONTRACTS
OVER IN THE MORNING.
[PEE SPLASHING]
[CRACKLING, DISTORTED]:
WELCOME ABOARD.
SEE, DAVID?
I TOLD YOU
SHE WAS SNEAKY.
SNEAKY?
YOU'RE THE ONE
SNOOPING AROUND
MY NIGHTSTAND
TO FIND THAT LETTER.
LISTEN, MISSY,
I'M NOT THE ONE ON TRIAL HERE.
NEITHER AM I.
THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
[SCOFFS]
EVERYTHING ABOUT MY SON
IS MY BUSINESS.
DON'T YOU THINK SO, DAVID?
YES, DAVID,
IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?
I... I THINK...
I-I THINK, UM...
LET'S GO.
WE CAN MAKE IT TO THE JUDGE'S,
WAKE HIM UP,
GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW.
WHAT?
WHAT?
WELL, I'VE GOTTA MARRY MY GIRL
GOOD AND PROPER NOW.
DAVID, YOU CAN'T BE
IN YOUR RIGHT MIND!
SHE LIED TO YOU!
DON'T YOU SEE THIS IS
A HUGE A PROBLEM, DAVID?
ERIN IS NOT YOUR WIFE.
A PROBLEM
I INTEND TO CORRECT.
SHALL WE?
[CRIES OUT]:
DAVID, PLEASE!
THINK ABOU WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
I'M SORRY, MOM,
THERE IS NOTHING
THAT YOU CAN SAY
TO STOP ME FROM MARRYING ERIN
RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
[RENEE SIGHS DRAMATICALLY]
[BLURTS]: MY HEART!
MY HEART, HELP ME!
MY HEART!
MOM?
HELP ME!
[DINERS MURMURING]
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
CALL A DOCTOR!
I AM A DOCTOR.
A REAL DOCTOR.
NO, NO. LET ERIN
TAKE A LOOK AT YOU.
AHH. OOH... [EXHALES]
YOUR PULSE
IS STEADY AND STRONG.
YOU HAVEN'T HAD
ANY PROBLEMS BEFORE...
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.
YOU AREN'T SWEATING,
YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY PAIN
IN YOUR ARM OR LEG.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- IT MEANS SHE'S FINE.
I DEMAND
A SECOND OPINION.
UH, MAYBE WE SHOULD GO
TO THE HOSPITAL, JUST IN CASE.
CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING?
SHE'S FAKING IT,
TO STOP US FROM GETTING MARRIED.
I-I CAN'T... BREATHE!
OKAY, WE NEED TO TAKE HER
TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW.
SERIOUSLY?
- YES.
- NO.
EXCUSE ME?
NO. I'VE HAD IT!
I'M DONE WITH THIS GAME.
[WHIMPERS] OH...
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
WANT A BLUEBERRY, CUTIE?
CAN WE PUT IT...
HIM OUTSIDE, PLEASE?
HERE, PUFFY! FETCH.
WHAT'S ALL THIS?
WELL, YOU WERE
JUST SO AMAZING
ABOUT THE MARRIAGE
LICENSE, AND...
I FELT BAD
FOR BEING LATE FOR YOUR PARTY,
SO I WANTED
TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
THAT'S VERY NICE.
YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD ME
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU YESTERDAY.
I HAD A JOB INTERVIEW,
FOR THE ASSISTANT CURATOR
FOR THE CHERAMOYA MUSEUM.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
WOW.
YEAH, I MEAN,
AT FIRST,
THE GUY WAS REALLY
GRUFF WITH ME,
BUT THEN, YOU KNOW, I PUT ON
THE OL' STELLA CHARM,
AND IMPRESSED HIM WITH
MY KNOWLEDGE ABOU 19th-CENTURY ARCHEOLOGICAL DIGS,
AND HE WAS PUTTY IN MY HANDS.
HMM.
THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
[CONFUSED LAUGH]
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I ACED
THAT INTERVIEW!
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU HAVE A NEED TO GET A JOB.
WE'RE FINE.
YOUR JOB SHOULD BE TO HAVE FUN,
GO SHOPPING WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
- YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING.
- COME ON, STELLA.
IF YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DO,
WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSE?
I'M SORRY.
I THINK YOU'RE CONFUSING ME
WITH THE MAID.
HONEY.
I JUST DON'T WANT YOU
TO BE DISAPPOINTED
IF YOU DON'T GET THE JOB.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME
TO BE HAPPY.
I DO WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.
IN FACT,
I MAKE A LOT OF MONEY
SO MY WIFE
DOESN'T HAVE TO WORK.
LET'S JUS EAT BREAKFAST.
[WHIMPERING AND SMACKING]
PUFFY. NO!
OH, I TOLD YOU
TO PUT HIM OUTSIDE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
I'LL GET BREAKFAS AT THE OFFICE.
[GRUNTS ANGRILY]
[TELEPHONE LINE RINGING]
YOU GOT NICK.
LEAVE A MESSAGE. [BEEP]
HEY, HUSBAND.
I HOPE "HUSBAND."
I'M SORRY.
I KNOW I'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE
A PSYCHOTIC JEALOUS WIFE.
I FEEL REALLY BAD
ABOUT HOW WE LEFT THINGS,
SO, GIVE ME A CALL, OKAY?
I LOVE YOU.
[DIALING]
[LINE RINGING]
[RECEPTION]:
PIEDMONT HOTEL.
HI. MR. PORTERSON'S ROOM,
PLEASE.
ONE MOMENT.
[RINGING]
HELLO?
HELLO? HELLO?
EVERYBODY OUT.
OUT. GET OUT.
COME ON. FASTER, PLEASE.
I HAVE AN EMERGENCY.
I'M SORRY.
I NEED YOU TO LEAVE.
GET OUT.
OUT! GET OUT!
DR. MILLER.
I'M A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW.
UM, OKAY, WELL, UH,
WELL, MOM IS FINE,
AND IT WAS JUS A PANIC ATTACK.
YOU WERE RIGHT AND I'M SORRY.
SHOCKER.
ABOUT YOUR MOM,
NOT ABOUT THE SORRY.
I'M REALLY SORRY.
THAT'S SWEET...
BUT YOU AND I NEED
TO TALK FIRST.
REALLY TALK.
I NEED TO KNOW
YOU'LL BE THERE FOR ME
FIRST AND FOREMOST, DAVID.
I PROMISE.
I MEAN IT!
EVEN IF YOUR MOTHER
DOESN'T APPROVE,
EVEN IF SHE PRETENDS
LIKE SHE'S CAUGHT IN A WELL
OR BEING ATTACKED
BY TERRORISTS.
SHE COULD BE
ABDUCTED BY ALIENS
AND I WOULDN'T BUDGE.
EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO EA ORANGE MACARONI-AND-CHEESE
OUT OF A BOX
EVERY DAY
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
AS LONG AS
IT WAS YOU THAT MADE IT,
I WOULDN'T WANT TO
EAT ANYTHING ELSE.
I LOVE YOU, ERIN.
I LOVE YOU,
AND I WANT TO
MARRY YOU AGAIN. NOW.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?
MARRY ME?
[ERIN LAUGHS]
YES! OF COURSE.
I JUST... I CAN' GO TO THE COURTHOUSE NOW,
I HAVE TO FINISH
BANDAGING UP
MR. HIRSCH HERE.
THAT'S OKAY,
THAT'S GREAT.
I'LL SEE YOU
AT HOME, THEN?
OKAY.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
I LOVE YOU T... UM.
I'M JUST GONNA
CALL ANOTHER DOCTOR.
[STUNNED]: I GOT THE JOB?
[HUMMING CHEERILY]
[DOOR OPENS]
OH, DAVID, YOU'RE HOME!
OH.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU'D BE
BRINGING A GUEST.
HELLO, MOM.
DON'T CALL ME "MOM."
HERE TO PACK?
WE'RE HERE TO EAT.
WHAT SMELLS SO GOOD?
I ONLY MADE
ENOUGH FOR TWO.
HMM.
THAT IS A HUGE POT.
I HAVE A BIG APPETITE.
WELL, SO DO I.
LET'S EAT.
[WHACK]
SO, ARE YOU
PREGNANT?
NO. WHY WOULD
YOU THINK THAT?
BECAUSE I CAN'T THINK
OF ANOTHER REASON
WHY DAVID WOULD
TAKE YOU BACK.
BECAUSE I LOVE HER, MOM.
I LOVE HER STRENGTH.
SHE'S SMART,
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,
AND-AND SHE MAKES
ME LAUGH.
I WOULD BE NUTS
NOT TO WANT TO SPEND
THE REST OF
MY LIFE WITH HER.
[BREATHLESSLY]: NUTS.
YEAH. THAT'S WHA I SAID. NUTS.
ERIN?
[CHOKING]: PEANUTS!
DID YOU PU PEANUTS IN THIS?
JUST IN THE SAUCE.
IT'S PAD THAI.
- SHE'S ALLERGIC!
- SHOT!
[WHEEZING INTENSELY]
WHAT'S SHE SAYING?
[WHEEZING]
SHE NEEDS HER ALLERGY SHOT.
OKAY...
OH.
YOU OKAY?
[PHONE BEEPS]
[LINE START RINGING]
[ERIN]: HI.
HEY. LOOK.
TELL ME I'M CRAZY.
TELL ME I'M INSANE.
JUST...
I'M SORRY, CASEY,
I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
JUST TRIED TO MURDER ME.
[BEEP]
HELLO?
ERIN?
[GRUNTS]
[STARTS CAR]
PLEASE TELL ME
I'M WRONG, MARK.
PLEASE TELL ME
YOU DIDN'T BURY THA IN THE TRASH
SO I COULDN'T FIND I AND TAKE THE JOB?
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.
WHAT DO I HAVE TO
UNDERSTAND?
YOU KNEW HOW MUCH
THAT MEANT TO ME!
LOWER YOUR VOICE.
I CALLED THE CHERAMOYA.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE.
I'M TAKING THE JOB.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
THAT IS NOT YOUR DECISION
TO MAKE, MARK.
YOU DON'T GET TO
MAKE THE RULES.
MARRIAGE IS ABOUT COMPROMISE.
OKAY? IT'S GIVE AND TAKE.
LOOK.
THIS ISN'T THE TIME OR PLACE
TO DISCUSS THIS.
WE'LL DO I WHEN I GET HOME TONIGHT.
I WON'T BE THERE.
STELLA.
- [SNICKERING]
- [MARK]: STELLA!
DID YOU GET ALL THAT, LADIES?
PLEASE STOP.
I COULD HAVE DIED.
ERIN, I'M SURE SHE DIDN'T KNOW
THAT YOU WERE ALLERGIC.
EVERYONE KNOWS I'M ALLERGIC!
AND I REMINDED HER
AT OUR WEDDING BRUNCH,
WHEN SHE WANTED TO PU NUTS IN THE SALAD.
HONEY, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE.
I'M SORRY.
SHE'S GONE TOO FAR.
I CAN'T BE
IN THE SAME HOUSE AS HER.
SO WHO'S IT GONNA BE?
ME OR HER?
ERIN, JUST LET ME TALK TO HER.
OKAY?
I KNEW YOU WOULDN' STAND UP FOR ME.
ERIN, WAIT.
[GASPS]: OH!
OH, ERIN, I'M SO S...
JUST STOP.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE.
HONEY, PLEASE WAIT.
SWEETIE, I JUST...
SHUT UP, MOM.
[BRAKES SQUEALING]
WHAT ROOM IS NICK PORTERSON IN?
I'M HIS WIFE.
[CLERK]:
UH, 214, MA'AM.
[ANNA GIGGLING, MUFFLED]
[ANNA]: NICK, TAKE IT OFF!
[NICK]: OKAY, FINE.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
[NICK AND ANNA CHATTING ABOVE,
INDISTINCT]
NO WAY.
[GASPS]: MM! NICK!
CASE?
WHAT?
CASE! WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
HUH?
[LATTICE CRACKING]
I'M OKAY! OOH...
AH!
[THUD]
CASE! CASE!
[BUSHES RUSTLING]
[GULPS]
[THUD]
[SIREN CHIRPS]
WHAT WERE YOU
THINKING, CASE?
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
WHAT... WHAT DO YOU...
YOU LIED TO ME.
YOU TOLD ME THERE WAS NOTHING
GOING ON BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.
- CASE...
- JUST PUT ON A SHIRT...
...AND GIVE ME BACK
MY DIGNITY, NICK.
THANKS.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE
WHAT RENEE JUST DID TO ME.
ERIN, NICK JUST CALLED.
CASEY'S BEEN TAKEN
TO THE HOSPITAL.
WAIT, WHAT?
UH... CASEY...
PORTERSON.
IS SHE OKAY?
YEAH. SHE'S FINE.
LUCKILY, THE BUSHES
BENEATH THE TREE
WERE VERY THICK.
CAN I SEE HER?
SORRY. FAMILY ONLY.
I'M HER HUSBAND.
[SCOFFS]
THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE SAID.
WE'RE HERE TO PICK UP
CASEY PORTERSON.
- WE'RE HER BEST FR...
- ...DOCTORS.
YEAH,
HER BEST DOCTORS.
SURE. GO RIGHT IN.
THAT'S NOT...
THAT'S NOT VERY FAIR.
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.
LET'S MAKE A TOAS TO THE END OF MY MARRIAGE.
[RING CLINKS]
AND MINE. [CLINK]
AND MINE.
[CLINK]
[GLASSES CLINK]
CHEERS.
YOU KNOW, THE THING
THAT MAKES ME CRAZY
IS THAT I LOVE NICK.
I REALLY, REALLY DO,
BUT HE IS IN LOVE WITH ANNA,
AND NO AMOUNT OF COMPROMISE
OR COUNSELING
IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT.
IT'S JUST THA MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED
TO BE A PARTNERSHIP,
AND I'M NOT GONNA JUS BE SOME GUY'S DOORMAT.
AND I AM DONE
WITH MAMA'S BOY.
LET NICK RUN OFF WITH ANNA.
I MEAN, SHE CAN HAVE HIM,
FOR ALL I CARE.
LET HER TURN OFF HER SHOWER
WITH A WRENCH.
I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT.
WITH THE MARRIAGE LICENSE
SCREW-UP,
IF NICK AND I SPLIT NOW,
THERE'LL BE NO MESSY DIVORCE,
NO LEGAL PROCEEDINGS,
NO PRE-NUP...
...AND NO MONSTER-IN-LAW.
ARE YOU SURE IT'S OKAY THA WE STAY HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE?
OF COURSE.
YOU CAN STAY HERE FOREVER.
THINK OF MY PLACE AS A...
NEARLYWED HALFWAY HOUSE.
YOU CAN STAY HERE
FOR THE REST OF OUR...
MISERABLE, LONELY LIVES.
[SLURPING]
NO.
WE ARE NOT GOING TO
SIT HERE AND MOPE AROUND
LIKE THREE LITTLE
LOVESICK PUPPIES.
WE... LET'S GET OUT AND DO STUFF
AND HAVE SOME FUN.
COME ON, GIRLS.
JUST ONE RULE.
[BOTH]: WHAT'S THAT?
NO MEN.
YOU'RE CRAZY
TO BE MARRIED RIGHT NOW
COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED
ON YOUR LIFE?
COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED
ON YOU AND YOUR WIFE?
'CAUSE I THINK
YOU JUMPED RIGHT OFF
THAT TRAMPOLINE
YEAH, I THINK
YOU WENT OFF
AND GOT MARRIED
COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED
ON YOUR SISTERS?
[MOVIE MONSTER ROARS,
ACTRESS SCREAMS]
[GIRLS YELP]
COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED?
HEY, HEY, MISTER
- [ACTRESS SHRIEKING]
- OH!
I FEEL A LITTLE BIT LEFT OUT
YEAH, I THINK
YOU'RE CRAZY
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- TO BE MARRIED RIGHT NOW
LA, DA-DA, DA-DA, DA, DA-DA
CRAZY TO BE MARRIED
RIGHT NOW
COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED
ON YOUR KIDS?
COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED
ON ALL YOUR HOUSE BIDS?
'CAUSE I THINK
YOU JUMPED RIGHT OFF
THAT TRAMPOLINE
YEAH, I THINK
NONE OF THIS
COULD HAVE BEEN FORESEEN
LA, DA-DA, DA-DA, DA, DA-DA
DA-DA, DA-DA
[ACTRESS ON TV]:
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU.
[STELLA AND CASEY START SOBBING]
...CRAZY TO BE MARRIED
RIGHT NOW
SHOULD WE
WAKE HER UP?
SHE LOOKS HAPPY.
LET HER SLEEP.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
WHO'S THAT?
NO CLUE.
UNLESS THE CHINESE
FOOD DELIVERY GUY
IS PSYCHIC.
THAT'D BE NICE.
WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?
WELL, IT IS
HIS APARTMENT.
WE CAN'T TALK TO HIM.
IT VIOLATES THE GIRLFRIEND
CODE OF ETHICS.
WELL, WE CAN'T JUS LEAVE HIM OUT THERE.
YES, WE CAN!
CASEY WOULD WANT US TO.
I... I CAN HEAR YOU, GUYS.
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUS SEE WHAT HE WANTS.
IF YOU INSIST.
BETTER BE GOOD.
YES?
HEY.
CAN I COME IN?
CASEY'S ASLEEP, NICK.
AND SHE DOESN'T WAN TO TALK TO YOU ANYWAY, SO.
CAN I TALK TO
YOU GUYS, THEN, PLEASE?
NOPE! SORRY.
CAN... PLEASE?
YOU'RE A PUSHY ONE,
AREN'T YA?
SIC 'IM, PUFFY.
[YAPPING]
[PUFFY KEEPS YAPPING]
THAT'S A FRIENDLY...
A FRIENDLY DOG.
SPEAKING OF DOGS...
WHAT DO YOU WANT, NICK?
SHE WON'T LET ME
INTO THE APARTMENT.
SHE WON' TAKE MY CALLS.
IT'S LIKE
I DON'T EVEN EXIST.
MAYBE YOU SHOULDN' HAVE CHEATED ON HER, THEN.
I DIDN'T!
LOOK, IT WAS JUS A DUMB MISUNDERSTANDING,
BUT I CAN'T EVEN
TELL HER THA BECAUSE SHE WON' TALK TO ME!
I CAN'T EAT.
I CAN'T SLEEP.
I'M... I'M FALLING APART!
- [ERIN SCOFFS]
- WHAT?
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
STOP THINKING ABOU HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS
AND START THINKING
ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
KNOW HOW SHE FEELS?
[STELLA LAUGHS]
WHAT?
NICK, WHY DO YOU THINK
SHE'S DOING ALL THIS?
BECAUSE OF NOTHING
THAT HAPPENED WITH ANNA?
NO.
YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND,
THAT SEEING YOU WITH ANNA
MAKES CASEY FEEL LIKE
THE UGLY DUCKLING
WHO NEVER GOT INVITED TO PROM
ALL OVER AGAIN.
BECAUSE I WENT ON
A BUSINESS TRIP?
[BOTH]: NO!
WHICH WAS ACTUALLY
PRETTY SUSPECT.
BUT THAT'S NO YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM.
CASEY NEEDS YOU TO MAKE HER FEEL
BEAUTIFUL AGAIN, AND SPECIAL.
I DO.
YEAH?
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU BOUGHT HER FLOWERS
FOR NO REASON?
OR COOKED HER DINNER?
OR WROTE HER
A GUSHY LOVE LETTER?
OR STOOD UP FOR HER
WHEN YOUR MOTHER
TRIED TO RUIN YOUR LIFE?
OR LET HER TURN
THE NURSERY INTO A NEW OFFICE.
WHAT? I DON'T UN...
YOU GET THE POINT.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
HOW...
DO I GET HER BACK?
STOP BEING
SUCH A JERK.
AND SWEEP HER
OFF HER FEET.
- GO.
- DO IT!
YES. ALL RIGHT.
ERIN?
IF YOU'RE GONNA TRY AGAIN,
YOU PICKED A LOUSY PLACE.
THERE'S DOCTORS EVERYWHERE.
WHY HAVEN'T YOU RETURNED
ANY OF DAVID'S PHONE CALLS?
BECAUSE
YOU WON, RENEE.
WE'RE NOT MARRIED ANYMORE.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO DAVID,
AND I CERTAINLY
DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
YOU KNOW, ANY OTHER DAY,
THOSE WORDS WOULD SOUND
LIKE MUSIC TO MY EARS...
BUT NOT TODAY.
I REALLY AM SORRY
FOR WHAT I DID.
YOU TRIED TO KILL ME.
THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU
TO COME HOME FOR LUNCH,
SO I PUT PEANUT BUTTER
IN THE PAD THAI,
AND I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT I UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE.
I MIGHT HATE YOU,
BUT I DON'T WAN TO SEE YOU DEAD.
I'D BE TOUCHED EXCEP FOR THE PART ABOUT HATING ME.
[LAUGHS]: YEAH, WELL...
WELL, I'D HATE ANY WOMAN
THAT TRIED TO TAKE MY DAVIE
AWAY FROM ME,
EVEN IF
SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL DOCTOR...
WITH GREAT TASTE IN DECORATING.
LOOK. UM...
I'M NOT AS YOUNG
AS I USED TO BE,
AND MY SON...
IS ALL I HAVE LEFT.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER.
ME.
WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES
AND I'D BE HAPPY
TO MAKE THEM ALL WITH YOU...
STELLA.
PLEASE DON'T GO.
[SCRAPING TABLE]
IT'S REALLY
THAT EASY FOR YOU?
NO.
MARK, NONE OF THIS IS EASY.
I...
I JUST... I CAN'T...
[TAKES A SHAKY BREATH, SIGHS]
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.
OKAY? I...
I NEED TO.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I THOUGHT I GAVE YOU
EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED.
DID I NOT GIVE YOU
THE PERFECT WEDDING?
RIGHT.
IT WAS PERFECT.
BUT THAT'S
THE POINT, MARK.
I MEAN,
I DIDN'T GET TO PLAN IT.
I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO PICK
THE COLOR
OF MY BRIDESMAIDS' DRESSES.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH FUCHSIA?
NOTHING.
IT'S PERFECT. FOR YOU.
THIS, ALL OF THIS,
IS YOUR LIFE, NOT MINE.
IT DID MAKE ME REALIZE
SOMETHING, THOUGH.
I DO WANT TO HAVE A BABY.
NOT RIGHT NOW.
NOT WITH YOU.
BUT IT'S... IT'S THAT...
IT'S THE DOG, RIGHT?
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M
LOSING MY WIFE TO A DOG.
OKAY, FINE,
I'LL BE NICE TO IT.
IT CAN SLEEP
ON MY SIDE OF THE BED.
MARK...
IT'S NOT THE DOG.
IS THERE ANYTHING
THAT I CAN DO
TO CHANGE YOUR MIND?
[SNIFFLES, STIFLES SOB]
I'M SORRY.
I MISS YOU, BABY.
I MISS YOU, TOO.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
PLEASE COME HOME.
YOUR MOTHER CAME
TO SEE ME TODAY.
I... HONEY,
I TALKED TO HER,
I SWEAR IT.
SHE WAS ACTUALLY...
NICE.
AS NICE AS
YOUR MOTHER COULD BE.
OH, GOD.
WHAT DID SHE SAY?
A NUMBER OF THINGS.
THE MOS IMPORTANT BEING
THAT SHE'LL BE
MOVING OUT.
BUT HER CONDO'S
NOT GONNA BE DONE
FOR ANOTHER EIGHT MONTHS.
SHE'S CHECKING
INTO A HOTEL.
WELL, THAT'S...
THAT'S GREAT!
WE'RE PAYING FOR IT.
THAT, UH...
[LAUGHS]
WELL, I GUESS WE GOTTA DO
WHAT WE GOTTA DO.
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
[BELL JINGLES]
I SUGGEST YOU LEAVE
BEFORE I SHOVE
ONE OF MY HOMEMADE DOG PIES
INTO YOUR
PERFECTLY PLUCKED FACE.
AT THE RISK
OF BEING ATTACKED,
THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED TO TELL YOU.
THAT YOU ARE
A SLIMY HUSBAND-STEALER
WHO COULD USE
A DOSE OF WORM FLUSH?
I'M ENGAGED.
WHAT?
ENGAGED.
TO BOB.
NICK'S ARCHITECT.
THE ONE WHO RECOMMENDED YOU
FOR THE JOB?
WHERE'S YOUR RING?
I LOVE BOB.
I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON HIM.
BUT-BUT...
I SAW YOU AND NICK.
TOGETHER!
FIRST OF ALL,
NICK KNOWS I'M ENGAGED.
SECONDLY, EW!
HE HAS HAIRY TOES.
THIRDLY...
HOLD ON.
WE'RE ON THIRDLY, RIGHT?
YES.
THIRDLY, WE HAD
SEPARATE HOTEL ROOMS.
I WENT OVER TO NICK'S ROOM
TO HELP WITH PRESENTATION PREP.
WE ORDERED ROOM SERVICE,
AND HE SPILLED CRANBERRY JUICE
ALL OVER HIS SHIRT...
I SUDDENLY FEEL LIKE
A HORRIBLE PERSON.
I WANT TO BE
YOUR FRIEND, CASEY.
DID YOU THINK
ALL MY HUGS
AND COMPLIMENTS
ABOUT YOUR HAIR
AND HEELS
WERE JUST RANDOM?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
BEING SARCASTIC!
WHY DOES EVERYONE
ALWAYS THINK THAT?
I'M SO SORRY
I JUDGED YOU.
AND I'M SO SORRY
I MADE FUN OF YOU
IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I WAS AN IDIOT THEN.
I'M MUCH SMARTER NOW.
I REALLY APPRECIATE
ALL THE APOLOGIES
AND I'M SURE ONE DAY SOON
WE'LL BE BESTIES,
BUT RIGHT NOW,
I JUST NEED TO FIND NICK
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
HE'S DOWNSTAIRS!
TRUST ME,
YOU DON'T WAN TO EAT THAT.
NICK?
AH, AH, ALL OVER
AH, AH
ALL OVER AGAIN
AH, AH
I'M SO, SO SORRY
I DIDN'T TRUST YOU
AND BELIEVE YOU
AND I KNOW YOU'RE NO CHEATING ON ME WITH ANNA...
AND I'M SORRY
THAT I DIDN'T TELL YOU
THAT ANNA AND BOB WERE ENGAGED.
WHY DIDN'T YOU?
I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.
[CHUCKLES]
I GOT YOU SOMETHING.
WELL, STELLA PICKED IT OUT.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
PUT IT ON FOR ME?
YOU ASKED ME IF
I'D BE YOUR ONE AND ONLY
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD
STANDING HERE
IN FRONT OF ME
THIS IS EVERYTHING
LOVE IS MEANT TO BE
I GOT YOU THIS.
A PROM CROWN?
YOUR PROM CROWN.
[CASEY GIGGLES]
CASEY...
DON'T YOU KNOW BY NOW
HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU?
I MEAN, TO ME,
YOU ARE SO...
[SIGHS]
...BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'RE QUIRKY.
YOU'RE FUN.
YOU'RE...
CRAZY AND POSSESSIVE
AND JEALOUS?
PASSIONATE.
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO BE JEALOUS ABOUT.
THOSE GIRLS BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL
WERE SO FAKE.
EVEN ANNA.
WHY WOULD I WANT THEM
WHEN I GOT THE REAL DEAL
RIGHT HERE?
I LOVE YOU...
JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
UM, I'M MISSING SOMETHING.
WHAT... [LAUGHS]
MARRY ME?
AGAIN?
YES!
YES, YES. AGAIN.
AND AGAIN AND AGAIN,
AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!
[CASEY LAUGHING]
ALL RIGHT.
UH... OH! OH, YEAH.
I ALMOST FORGOT.
I OWE MY GIRL
A HONEYMOON.
AND I CALLED A PLUMBER.
NICK, I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN
FALLING IN LOVE
WITH YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN
FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN
FALLING IN LOVE
WITH YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN
OH, I'M STILL GONNA
MISS YOU SO MUCH.
MOM, WE'RE ONLY GONNA BE
TWO MILES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER,
AND WE'LL SEE EACH OTHER
EVERY FRIDAY FOR DINNER.
ARE THESE MY BABY TEETH?
[CHUCKLES]
I JUST LIKE TO THINK
YOU'RE ALWAYS SMILING AT ME,
NO MATTER
HOW FAR AWAY YOU ARE.
LUNCH IS SERVED.
OH!
THANK YOU, HON.
AH, NO PECORINO
OR TRUFFLE OIL?
WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOIN'?
THIS WOMAN SLAVED
FOR HOURS...
MINUTES.
...MINUTES
OVER YOUR LUNCH.
YOU WILL
APPRECIATE IT,
AND HER.
SHE'S A DOCTOR.
THANKS, MOM.
OH, YOU JUS CALLED ME "MOM."
SO CAN I GE THE PECORINO OR...?
[BOTH]: NO!
AH, AH, AH, AH ALL OVER...
CAN YOU GUYS GO BACK TO
HATING EACH OTHER?
NO.
AH, AH, ALL OVER AGAIN...
MM!
COFFEE TIME!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY SO MANY APARTMENTS
DON'T ALLOW DOGS.
THEY'RE CLEANER
AND QUIETER,
AND WAY LESS TROUBLE
THAN MEN.
YOU SHOULD CHECK THIS
BULLETIN BOARD AT THE HOSPITAL
WITH AVAILABLE APARTMENTS.
DOES IT ALSO
LIST AVAILABLE DOCTORS?
NO! [LAUGHS]
I AM TAKING A BREAK
FROM MEN.
[JINGLING]
WILLIS?
- [LAUGHS]: WILLIS!
- [PUFFY YAPPING]
WILLIS, COME HERE!
COME HERE, BOY.
WILLIS! WILLIS!
WHO'S THIS? WHO'S THIS?
WILLIS!
"WILLIS"?
I SAW THE SIGN IN THE WINDOW!
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'VE FOUND WILLIS!
UH, NO.
HIS NAME IS NOT "WILLIS."
IT'S "PUFFY,"
AND HE'S MINE.
I REMEMBER YOU.
YOU HAVE BEEN
TAKING CARE OF WILLIS?
WOW, BUDDY!
NO WONDER YOU DIDN' WANT TO COME HOME.
THANK YOU
SO, SO MUCH!
THE GARDENER
LEFT THE BACK GATE OPEN.
I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK
ABOUT THIS GUY!
PUFFY-WUFFY IS YOUR DOG?
YEAH.
UM, MY EX-WIFE,
SHE INSISTED ON THE PRE-NUP,
AND SO I INSISTED ON THE DOG.
I JUST LOVE THIS LITTLE RASCAL.
I PUT SIGNS UP ALL OVER TOWN.
WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL?
I DID.
NO ONE ANSWERED.
OH, RIGHT.
HE ACTUALLY RUINED
MY ANSWERING MACHINE
BY PEEING ON IT.
YEAH... WE'VE BEEN
WORKING ON THAT, HAVEN'T WE?
[HE CHUCKLES, THEN STOPS]
YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I... [VOICE CRACKS]
IT'S JUST...
[WILLIS WHIMPERS]
I'VE BEEN TAKING
CARE OF HIM,
AND...
I LOVE HIM.
YEAH.
WELL, LOOK AT THAT, BUDDY.
YOU'RE BREAKING HEARTS
EVERYWHERE YOU GO.
I'VE HAD HIM SINCE...
SINCE HE WAS A PUPPY.
I'M REALLY SORRY,
BUT HE'S... HE'S MY DOG.
[SIGHS]
I KNOW.
HE'S YOURS.
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU FOUND
YOUR OWNER, PUFFY.
[WILLIS WHIMPERS]
NOW, YOU BE GOOD FOR MR. HUNKY.
[HE CHUCKLES]
HERE.
OH, NO. I-I DON'T NEED
A REWARD.
IT WAS FINE.
OH, NO.
IT'S, UM, IT'S MY NUMBER.
YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY TAKEN
SUCH GOOD CARE OF HIM.
YOU DESERVE
A MASSIVE THANK-YOU.
TALKING, LIKE,
A THREE-COURSE MEAL...
THERE'LL BE DRINKS
AND DANCING...
I... I... I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, OKAY.
WELL, SUIT YOURSELF,
BUT ALL I ASK
IS THAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT.
OKAY. I WILL.
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
AND WE CAN DISCUSS
VISITATION RIGHTS.
[WILLIS YAPS]
OKAY, WAIT.
ACTUALLY, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
UM... YOU HUNGRY?
HOW ABOUT NOW?
WELL, I'M STARVING.
UM, JUST...
JUST SO THAT YOU KNOW,
HE'S BEEN ON
A RAW-FOOD DIET?
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
'CAUSE HIS COAT IS
SO SOFT AND SHINY.
THAT MAKES SENSE.
YEAH. I DID THAT.
HE WAS A LITTLE BIT FA WHEN I FOUND HIM.
- SO I THOUGHT...
- FAT?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH...
[ALL LAUGHING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
FINALLY!
[CHEERING]
[LAUGHTER]
GO, STELLA!
[SQUEALS]
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S GOOD,
IT'S GOOD.
[WILLIS YAPS]
[BARKING]
[LAUGHTER]
WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY
TO JOIN TOGETHER...
[REVEREND STARTS
HACKING AND WHEEZING]
EXCUSE ME.
WHERE WAS I?
UM, EXCUSE ME, REVEREND.
UM...
WOULD YOU JUST MIND
SIGNING THIS
BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER?
[WHEEZING]
[WOMEN START LAUGHING]
[EVERYONE JOINS IN]