Never Steal Anything Small (1959) Movie Script

1
When I was a youngster,
my father said,
"Lad, life in a jail
is depressing and sad.
So I give you this motto to hang on your wall,
'Never steal anything.'"
Never steal anything?
Never steal anything small.
Steal a hundred dollars, and they put you in stir.
Steal a hundred million, they address you as sir.
Scientists will tell you
it's a matter of bulk and size.
Steal Manhattan Island
and it's yours for a price.
Steal a silver teapot
and you land in Sing Sing.
Steal a Roman Empire
and they make you a king.
So don't rob a bank, take the whole city hall,
and never steal anything small.
Never steal anything.
- Never steal anything...
- Listen to your Daddy talkin'.
Never steal anything.
Never steal anything.
Never steal anything small.
Vote for Jake!
Check your ballot for Jake!
- Check your ballot for Jake!
- Hooray for Jake!
Jake's in the business of
helpin' out his neighbors.
He don't even want a percentage for his labors.
Give you protection,
he'll do away with collection.
He gets you past inspection,
it's a pleasure helping your friends.
Oh, Jake can save my business
by doin' good to others.
He'll treat you the same
as his sisters or his brothers.
Give you protection,
he'll do away with collection.
It's a pleasure helpin' your friends.
Vote for Jake, check your ballot for Jake!
Hooray for Jake!
He's the guy you gotta support,
give your ballot to Jake,
and you'll eat cake!
You'll get a square deal,
an even shake, vote for Jake,
vote for Jake and you'll be real.
Give your ballot to Jake.
Yeah, Jake!
We want Jake!
Fellas, I've been a dock-walloper
since I was big enough to ride a lift.
Now I've asked you to make me president
of your local for two reasons.
First, I know the job, every angle of it.
I've been a hiring agent, a steward.
I've been a delegate to the council,
and I know what it is
to spit in the eye of bargaining committees.
But there's a bigger reason
you should vote for me:
To get rid of that pig you got
in office right now. K. Merritt,
and believe me .K. Merritt is a pig!
- Right!
- Now fellas,
My platform is pretty simple.
I'm for the longshoremen all the way.
I'll make the best president your local ever had.
What's the matter, you been taking stupid pills?
What's gonna get us more votes
than throwing a big free party
for the membership, like Jake says?
Look, I agree, it'd be a good idea
to have an election night rally,
I just say you can't swing
a bust-out like that for under $5,000.
Plus, the five we need
just for routine campaign stuff.
Yeah, and I'm handin' round
numbers nothin', 64 bucks!
The problem of loot is acute!
Heistin' banks is no good, they're federal.
What are you outta your mind?
I got it, got it.
Find me that bookie, Sleep-Out.
- Sleep-Out Charlie, sure.
- Yeah.
Don't talk to him, just find out where he is.
We ain't gonna try to parlay
60 bucks into 10,0007
Gonna borrow it.
Borrow it?
From Sleep-Out Charlie?
You know why they call him Sleep-Out?
He's too cheap to rent a bed,
he used to sleep in the subway.
- Has he got $10,000?
- Oh, times ten!
- Well, then he's gonna lend it!
- Why, because you got something on him?
No, because if he don't lend it,
I'm gonna pull somethin' off him.
It took me 20 years to get to this point
in the union racket.
I'm not gonna blow it now.
Jake, he's on his way to Dominic's.
We can pick him up in ten minutes.
Good, you boys'll come with me.
Eddie, you stay here and arrange for the rally.
You know, food, music, and liquor.
Give it the works,
nothin' too good for the voters.
It's important, this is big business!
You don't wanna be overheard
talkin' big business, do ya?
I shouldn't be out here without my overcoat.
All right, what's the big business?
Sleep-Out, old pal, what about lendin' us $10,000?
What about lendin' you $10,000?
You mean you brought me out here
on a freezing day without my overcoat
for a square joke like that?
This ain't no square joke!
Eight percent interest!
Better than you can get at a bank.
What about collateral?
Collateral?
What about the stakes you've been pickin' up
'round the docks for the last 15 years,
and from fellows who couldn't afford to lose it.
I paid off when I lost.
Why should I be anybody's sucker?
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Sleep-Out.
Did I hurt ya?
What'd I do, hit you in the mouth?
Good catch, boys, good catch!
Sleep-Out mighta caught pneumonia
if he'd fell in the river this time of the year.
Now look, I told ya I ain't eta yin' around here
- any longer, I...
- Look out, he got a rod?
- No, no, I ain't got a rod.
- Get it, yeah!
No, no, no, I...
You see, it's just for disinfecting the air.
Well, you won't need this in the hospital.
They keep their air pretty clean there.
Hospital?
Are you kiddin'?
I don't think so.
- You wanna hold out a while and see?
- No, no, I'm opposed to gettin' hurt.
I'm also opposed to gettin' hurt financially.
Can't have it both ways, Sleep-Out.
- Can he, boys, can he?
- Sure can't.
- Nah.
- This is what the cops call extortion, ya know?
All right, tell it to the commissioner,
but kick in, kick it with ten big ones first,
or else you got no complaint.
- All right, all right.
- All right, get it up!
Well, who carries ten big ones around?
I'll send it to ya.
Oh!
Let me down, let me down!
- What about the $10,000?
- Okay, okay.
I got my walkin' money stashed up at Ginger's.
An old-fashioned political rally,
and you're all invited.
Liquor, dancing, entertainment,
and a minimum of speeches.
So make a note, Pier 160 at 8:00
on the evening of the fourth.
Wives and lady friends welcome.
In fact, they're indispensable.
- All right, cut it short, Maclllaney.
- Knock it off, sonny.
- You want some lumps?
- Take it easy.
Well, well, well,
if it ain't the constabulary.
And what dishonest chore brings you around?
Don't tell me, don't tell me.
.K. Merritt wants you to break up this meetin'.
I've got a warrant for your arrest.
- Come on along.
- Ah-ha, you hear that?
He's got a warrant on my arrest!
Here's where your money goes,
bribin' cops to break up union meetin's.
Look, Maclllaney,
want me to charge you with inciting a riot?
Charge me with anything you like,
I made my point.
Perhaps extortion?
Come on.
He cuts a dirty deal!
Sleep-Out spilled, put a tail on him,
and don't lose him.
Well, there's your client.
Mr. Maclllaney, I'm your attorney, Dan Cabot.
I'm sorry you had to stay here last night,
but I couldn't arrange bail any sooner.
I retain McNeil, Swanson, and Dodd.
That's correct, I'm a junior partner.
What's a matter, don't I pay enough
to get a senior?
Sign the envelope.
I don't think I understand you.
How long you been outta law school, Junior?
The name is Mr. Cabot,
and I don't relish handling your case
any more than you seem to welcome me.
My career has been short and undistinguished,
but I haven't had any hoodlums for clients so far,
and I'd like to keep it that way,
- may I regard myself as dismissed?
- Well, well, well!
Lots of pepper, huh?
Yeah, I like a man of spirit, Mr. Cabot.
You got yourself a client.
Don't worry, Mr. Cabot, we'll beat this rap
- like we beat a carpet.
- Look, just a moment.
- I haven't decided yet whether I'm gonna take...
- Oh, sure you have.
Look, you wanna be a successful lawyer,
you can't start quittin' cases
every time a client burns ya.
Come on, how 'bout it?
- Well, all right.
- Ah, good, good.
Look, you got any dimes?
I gotta make some phone calls.
No, never mind, never mind, I got some.
Now don't you think you'd be better
coming down to the office?
We oughta start planning your defense.
Oh not yet, I'll call ya.
Well, the hearing's set for Monday.
And the election is Friday.
I've got some arrangements to make.
It's your freedom at stake.
Say, uh, what do you think my chances are
if, uh, Sleep-Out Charlie testifies against me?
He filed a complaint,
why wouldn't he testify?
Well, that's one of the things I gotta arrange.
What does that mean?
Nothin', forget I said it.
You can tell me the truth, you know.
Whatever you say to me
is a privileged communication
that need never to be revealed,
even under oath.
- You mean it?
- Yes.
- Under oath?
- Yes.
Not guilty.
- Ah, Winnipeg.
- Jake, hi!
- Boys here?
- Yeah!
Just a minute.
I'm not so sure I want jailbirds in my apartment.
- I've gotta watch my reputation, you know.
- Watch it?
- Uh-huh.
- I should think you wanna bury it.
Oh, you're mean.
Hi, boss.
You were sure thinkin'
on your feet when they picked you up.
Every dock-walloper in town
figured Merritt brained ya.
Oh, good, all right, now where's Sleep-Out?
He's hidin' out in some fleabag.
He's got that dame Ginger with him.
We don't know where, but Winnipeg's
been in touch with Ginger's old lady.
Ginger calls her mother every day,
wherever she is.
What does her mother do, run a handbook?
Her mother's gonna call me with the address.
Oughta be any minute now.
- Ah, nice, nice, nice.
- Hon, don't worry about Ginger,
she'll play ball for a price.
That girl really respects money.
She's just like Sleep-Out,
that's what brought them together.
Beautiful romance.
Hey, uh, you got a classified here?
- Mm-hmm, there.
- Now find me a medical supply company.
- A medical supply company?
- Medical supply, yeah.
And Fats, call Blubber.
Tell him to get his blue suit pressed.
He's gonna do the doctor bit for us.
- No, I'll need that, use a pay phone.
- Okay, boss.
What's the gag?
Oh, I thought of a nice, peaceful way
of getting rid of Sleep-Out till after the trial.
Came to me in the pokey.
Why don't we just drop him off a bridge?
Nah, you know I wouldn't do a thing like that,
not while I'm runnin' for office.
Nah, we gotta scheme it neat.
Hello, hello, Zenith Medical Supply?
Hold it just a minute.
Hello, I wanna talk to a salesman.
Yeah... here, thanks for the cooperation.
Thank you!
Oh, uh, did you line up
some cute dolls for the rally?
The pick of New York!
Eh, good girl, good girl.
Hello, is this a salesman?
Oh, all right, Mr. Krebs.
I wanna rent an iron lung.
Excuse me, gentlemen, bulletin from the sickroom.
Here's the stuff.
Now, uh, look, you give him just,
just about that much.
You're sure it won't kill him?
No, just cool him for about 20 minutes.
All right, Jake.
- Who is it?
- It's me, Daddy.
Hello, Daddy, did you miss me?
Took your time all right, didn't ya?
It only needed a three-cent stain.
You get seven cents' change.
Where is it?
Well, is my, uh, Daddy ready for his medicine now?
No.
Fix the picture, will ya, it's all scrambly.
All right, Daddy.
More brightness.
Workin' this fight could have meant
a beautiful mark
if I wasn't holed up here.
It's, uh, bad for your health, too.
No fresh air.
Fresh air is poison.
You want me to get your medicine now?
What is it with you and the medicine,
every two minutes you ask me.
Jeez!
It's because I'm concerned about ya.
Because the state of your health
is my first consideration,
and I worry about ya all the time.
For that, I get my head snapped off.
What's the use of being
thoughtful and considerate?
All right, all right, turn it off,
I'll take the stuff.
It's on the dresser.
Oh, that stuff's no good,
I bought something better.
Spend, spend, spend.
- That's all you dames can think of.
- Well, now honey lamb,
I only spend it for your sake.
You're very delicate, you know?
Always been delicate.
Boy, that tastes lousy.
Must be awful good for ya.
It's real wonderful how brave you are
about bein' sick,
considerin' how much you got wrong with ya,
I mean.
Most men would just die of fright
if they had half of your symptoms.
What's that?
Three fighters?
Oh, no, honey lamb, that's the referee.
Oh.
No, I ain't countin' him.
Set must be on the blink.
I better adjust it.
Of course you've got indigestion
awful bad, you know?
And indigestion sometimes makes you see double.
Of course, seeing double
isn't the most awful thing in the world
- that can happen to you, you know?
- There.
Now.
Now it's in focus.
Well, here's the difference:
A recession is when you lose your job,
a depression is when I lose mine!
What's this?
Jail?
This is a funny kind of cell with my head out.
Now don't excite yourself, sir,
you're in good hands.
Oh, Sleep-out, you're going to live.
Who said I wasn't?
It was touch-and-go.
- It was?
- Mm-hmm.
This is an iron lung!
Now, now, now, don't be alarmed, my boy.
You've been suffering from pneumonia
without knowing it, apparently, and you fainted.
The fall has temporarily paralyzed your,
uh, respiratory muscles.
We got this in the nick of time.
- You did?
- Mm-hmm.
You saved my life.
- You saved me!
- In another month or two,
you'll be just as good as new.
But first, we've got to get you
to a nice, warm climate.
How 'bout Arizona?
- Any place to save...
- Good, good.
There's a splendid clinic in, uh, Yuma.
- Ginger?
- Yes, dear heart?
Get me airlines reservations, please.
Call the DA, tell 'em what happened,
get a postponement.
- Just leave it to me, Charles.
- Yeah.
Much obliged for all this, Morely.
I'm not doin' it for you, you doormat thief.
Anything to perplex or harass.
- Merritt and his wharf rats, that's my motive!
- I'll feel obliged if I wanna!
Ah, you take care of your end,
and I'll take care of mine!
Let go! I'll pass out as good as night!
All right, here, have one on me.
You're on your way.
Neat, huh?
Slick.
Hey, boss.
Get a load of Winnipeg.
- Well, bring her down here.
- Okay.
Hi, honey, sorry I'm late.
- Say, Joe.
- Yeah, Jake?
Would you line this up right about here?
Right there, secure it to the string piece, huh?
- Right.
- Bob,
- give me another bar right here.
- Okay.
Yeah, that oughta do it, do it very nicely.
- Oh, what's that for?
- Uh, it's a secret.
- Don't talk about it.
- Oh.
Fat, boys got everything straight?
- They say so.
- Good, good,
Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this evening.
Why? You don't like parties.
Didn't say I did, didn't say I did.
You know, up till now, I really haven't been able
to figure out anything you do like.
I like to scheme.
- I get a boot out of a nice, sharp scheme.
- Oh, you sure do.
Well, I got the troops ready, what's the scheme?
I want the girl to make sure
that no union official gets down to that bar
until they get the hi sign.
Steer them anyplace else until then, huh?
- Okay, I got it.
- Good.
Now listen, you listen carefully.
Merritt and his chums are gonna show up tonight.
I want each of the girls
to latch onto a union official.
You can't miss them
if you shake hands with everybody.
The officials are the ones with the soft hands,
not a callous in the whole council,
except from... sitting down.
Hi, there!
So glad you could come.
Why, thank you!
My, you look important.
I'll bet you're a big official or something, huh?
.K. Merritt, President of Local 26.
- Well, good, I'm with you.
- That's okay with me.
No, it's okay with me.
That's enough!
No doubt about it, the legs go first.
Oh, don't talk silly.
Age. Take my advice young lady,
don't ever get old!
In my experience, older men are
infinitely more attractive than those young jerks.
They have so much more understanding,
style, and they appreciate a girl so much more.
I expect I could appreciate you quite a bit!
Okay, I can't find Ward, or Thomas,
or any of the boys.
You send 'em somewhere?
- No.
- Somethin' lousy's cookin', I can smell it.
- Don't talk business, this is a fun night...
- Shut up, girly, and beat it.
Albert, there's no need to be rude.
The boys wouldn't disappear like this.
It doesn't make sense.
Last time I saw Thomas,
he was havin' a drink right at...
Let's see what's goin' on over there,
come on, .K.
Don't go. We're having such a good time.
I don't like the way she sounds.
Why?
Just because I wanted to have
a little drink with my, uh,
- my boyfriend here?
- Maybe I've been a little slow.
Come on.
Good night!
Give me a beer, Lennie,
with a whiskey chaser.
Knock back a whiskey?
Happens I wouldn't mind.
Same for my friend.
Well, well, Maclllaney and Merritt.
It's a big question who to vote for.
What about you, friend?
You a Merritt man?
What else?
Sure, I'm a Merritt man!
Fifty bucks don't grow on palm trees.
That what he paid for your pledge?
Like a slot machine.
- Wish I could get me some of that.
- Too late now.
He's got the election in the bag.
Look, a finif.
Did you drop that?
Where?
- There.
- Oh.
Pretty soon, no more Merritt men.
I wouldn't have believed it,
I wouldn't have believed it.
That Maclllaney must be insane!
- How could any man imagine...
- Don't say anything.
We just wanna get out fast, if we can.
I guess you're right.
Now, wait a minute, Maclllaney.
- Wait a minute!
- Terrible thing, terrible thing
when men get to arguing
about politics, isn't it, huh?
Well, don't worry about your boys.
They'll be let out right after the election.
Better lay off the muscle, Jake.
We've got more than you have.
Only you didn't use it at the right time.
It's not too late.
It will be tomorrow, when I'm the new president,
legally elected.
Down the chute.
Me next, I suppose.
I'm surprised at you, Jake,
what's all this gonna get ya?
I'll just postpone the election.
There can't be a ballot if I'm not present.
You don't know your own bylaws.
The vice president takes over.
One bottle of bourbon, please.
That's what you're drinkin', isn't it?
I've had enough, thanks.
The party's over.
Yours is just startin'.
Drink about half that.
Remember the big conference,
when you didn't want Brick to attend, huh?
And you were afraid to have him beat up?
You fed him a fifth of bourbon,
a fifth of scotch, and a fifth of gin,
and he spent the next ten days
in the alcoholic ward.
Well, this is the same idea,
only this time, I'm the host.
Good, huh, ain't that good?
Oh, you're lovin' every bit of it.
Atta boy!
Ugh, I'm bushed.
Me, too.
Sometimes I think I'd rather work for a livin'.
Nothin' yet.
Still recountin'.
Must be awful close.
How long does it take those dim bulbs
to add up one and one?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Go ahead.
You sure?
Ninety-seven votes?
- Win!
- We're in!
Hey, the fan mail boys are at it already.
Everybody loves a winner.
Me, too.
But there's nothin' loveable about a loser.
Pretty nice bein' in the driver's seat, eh?
Yeah.
Who're the telegrams from?
Big brass, boy, all big brass.
- Everybody and his brother.
- One here from the mayor!
Yeah, from the big boy, Pinelli.
You want me to acknowledge him?
Yeah, but by mail.
Don't waste any dough on telegrams.
Ooh, I like this.
I like it fine.
You know, a man's a fool not to get himself
elected president all the time.
Hey, what do ya know?
It's that lawyer, Dan Cabot.
Ah, gettin' nervous, huh?
The case comes up Monday afternoon.
He don't know Sleep-Out's outta the picture.
Listen, "Dear sir,
this is to inform you that I have
reconsidered my decision to represent you.
I am sure the court will grant a continuance
until you can secure other council.
Daniel Cabot."
- Oh, no.
- Is that bad?
Well, figure it out for yourself.
Sleep-Out'll be back in town
the minute he finds out
there's nothin' wrong with him.
Then don't take a continuance.
I'll have to if we're gonna change lawyers.
Oh, hey, that...
that Cabot didn't look too flush.
- We got any dough left?
- Yeah, a little over a G.
- Give me it, give me it.
- But the bills ain't been...
Give it to me, is his address on there?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, good.
I gotta change his mind again.
- You want some help?
- No, no rough stuff, wouldn't work.
This has gotta be strictly charmsville.
Hello?
Hello, darling.
I just ran into the Knoxes.
Wanna play a little canasta?
- Love to!
- Good, pick you up in ten minutes.
Wait!
Did you happen to notice
what Mrs. Knox had on?
No, darling, I don't remember
what Mrs. Knox had on.
A dress.
A dress, very helpful.
All right, I'll be ready in ten minutes.
Ten minutes?
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Wear anything.
Men!
I've hunted through my closet,
and there's really nothing there.
The rags I have are beyond repair.
The next time I go out,
I'll be absolutely bare.
I haven't got a thing to wear.
I won't spend much, I promise.
It'll be a little all-purpose, all-weather thing
good for parties, and street, and afternoon,
and for autumn, winter, and spring.
Down at Macy's it'll cost about $11.15,
or $20, or $30, or something in between,
and that's a very little to pay, sweetheart,
for a wife who's fit to be seen.
I haven't got a thing to wear.
I haven't got a thing to...
Bravo, bravo!
Oh, I'm sorry.
For a girl, I believe it's, uh, brava, is it?
How did you get... oh.
My name is Jake Maclllaney, Mrs. Cabot.
I'm a client of your husband's.
My husband's not in.
Didn't you receive his letter?
Well, that's why I'm here.
I can't afford to have him walk away right now.
He won't change his mind.
I wouldn't let him.
Oh, really?
I don't believe I met you before?
- I'd remember.
- No, we've never met.
So, what have you got against me?
Please, I haven't time.
Mr. Cabot definitely no longer represents you.
Sorry, that's not quite good enough.
Might just as well get away
from that door, Mrs. Cabot.
I've got a right to know
why my lawyer's brushin' me off,
and I'm gonna stay here until I find out.
You see, changing lawyers
at this time would, uh,
mean a postponement,
and would be very inconvenient for me.
Inconvenient?
Do you think it's convenient
for Dan to lose his position with his firm?
I don't understand.
It's not complicated.
Dan was fired because
he wouldn't have anything to do with you.
Well, why won't he?
I've told you, I won't let him.
Well.
I'll say this,
you're the most beautiful enemy I have.
Will you please go?
No, no, I'm staying until I get an explanation,
and one that makes sense.
Oh, stop it.
Look at you.
You're a gangster, a hoodlum,
and don't try to tell me you're not.
When Dan was assigned to your case,
I went to the public library
and I read all about you
in the back issues of the public newspapers,
strike violence, bribery,
prison sentences, the whole story!
Of course, there couldn't be
two side of that story?
Oh.
Supposing...
supposing you were going to work in a store.
What kind of a dress would you wear to work?
I wouldn't work in a store.
No, somebody has to.
Oh, maybe I would if it was honest work.
I'd wear, uh, overalls.
In my store, wearing overalls means being tough,
bribing people, going to jail.
It means fighting fire with fire, honest.
If I didn't use the same kind of weapons
that are being used against me,
the union would be in the hands
of crooks bigger than I am.
You admit you're a crook.
Oh, a very little one.
There's no such thing
as a little wrong or a little crook.
Well, crooks have their place.
There wouldn't be any country without them.
- That's silly.
- Oh, no, it isn't.
Without crooks, there'd be no reformers.
Without reformers, there'd be
no politicians to run on reform tickets.
Without politicians, there'd be no government.
And without government, no America.
You're very glib, aren't you?
Odd you haven't amounted to more.
- Now, if you don't mind...
- I was elected president
of my union local last night.
In my book, that amounts to something.
- It certainly does...
- Aren't you ready yet, honey?
- No, Dan.
- Oh, Mr. Maclllaney.
I, uh, just heard about
the election, congratulations.
Thanks.
Uh, you put me in a rough spot, Dan.
All right to call you Dan?
You can call President Eisenhower Ike,
but that doesn't mean he'll answer.
You're kind of a chief executive yourself.
Mind if I call you Ike?
Say, Dan, your wife tells me it's against
your principle to represent me,
but I'm anxious to have you stay on as my council
I I
so here, here's a retainer, hm?
A thousand dollars,
you can name the ultimate fee yourself.
Well, I must say that, uh,
representing the president of a union
- is rather different than...
- Well, that's settled.
Well, I hereby appoint Daniel Cabot
General Council for Local 26.
Could we discuss this alone, Dan?
- Certainly, darling.
- Could you excuse us, please?
Dan, I think this is gonna be the biggest mistake.
Linda, our troubles are over.
Oh Dan, are you quite sure you wanna do this?
For heaven's sakes, Linda, I'm unemployed!
All right, Dan.
Your offices will be ready Monday afternoon.
Happy to have you aboard.
And may I say,
never met a lady I like better, quicker.
I'll be seeing you, Ike.
So long.
Oh, and thanks!
How many do you want?
- How many do I want?
- Yeah, how many do you want?
How many do I want?
Why?
Merritt leave any money in the treasury?
Sure, he thought he was gonna be re-elected.
- How much?
- Over 40 grand!
Good.
You, would you have the goodness
to get off of your fat duff,
get a hold of the superintendent of the building,
and tell him we wanna lease
the vacant office down the hall.
- What price?
- Whatever it costs.
- Right away, boss.
- Winnipeg?
Jake, come down to the office right away,
and alert four or five of your girlfriends.
Gentlewomen, no bims.
- We gonna have another party?
- Sounds like it.
An hour, that's too long, 20 minutes.
Ah, good girl.
Great, and here you have a nice,
large waiting room.
Oh, all good.
- Couldn't be better.
- Look, here are the keys,
- thank you, sir.
- Thank you!
And I'll have that lettering you wanted
put on the door Monday morning.
Thank you!
- Morning.
- Hello.
Oh, don't you ever sleep?
You can sleep when you're dead, come on.
I'm dead right now.
Hey, what's all this for?
Office is for a lawyer named Dan Cabot.
I want it completely furnished
and decorated by 3:00 Monday.
Are you crazy? Tomorrow's Sunday.
That's why I told you to call your pals.
It's gonna take a lot of leg work.
Well, I don't know anything
about furnishing offices.
That's the idea, do it more like
you do an apartment.
Make this into a sitting room, nice and cozy.
Put a bar there and stock it,
and put a TV set in each room.
Kinda law does this Cabot guy practice?
I don't care as long as he enjoys it.
Look, air condition the works.
Uh, thick rugs and pictures, you know.
In other words, make it the kind of office
that a fellow would rather stay in than go home.
Doesn't depend on the office,
that depends on the secretary.
You're it.
-What, me a-
-Yeah, yeah.
There'll be another one to do the typing
and stuff, but after all, anyone can type.
Look here, get yourself a snazzy outfit,
something chic and irresistible.
Jake, does this, uh,
does this lawyer, by any chance, have a wife?
What's the difference?
Does he?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
She pretty?
Much too pretty for him.
She must be.
It's the first time I've ever
seen you go overboard for a dame.
Winnipeg, you you take care of your end, will ya?
It's also the first time you've ever
asked me to do something I don't like.
Furnishing an apartment, being a secretary?
Breaking up a marriage?
I'm not that sort of person.
Oh, that's a fine attitude to take.
Look Jake, I'm with you, I owe you plenty.
I mean, I...
I wish you wouldn't ask me
to destroy somebody's happiness.
That's all I need, a hungover soap opera.
Look, I'm not asking you to do anything wrong.
All I ask you to do is look
your prettiest and be around
in case Cabot wants to do something wrong.
Now look, it wouldn't be a bad idea to have
a sofa over here that makes up into a day bed.
You see?
Winnipeg!
Winnipeg!
Winnipeg!
- Winnipeg.
- Please.
Don't hang me up on this, will ya?
I'm asking as a particular favor.
Please, I just can't do it.
Really goes against the grain, huh?
- Uh-huh.
- All right.
I'll pay ya extra.
Oh, the money doesn't make any difference.
Yeah, I know it never does.
Tell ya what.
Forget your scruples, do this job right,
and I'll buy you a car.
Oh Jake, it isn't a question of, of...
What kind of a car?
- Is it a deal?
- Uh-huh!
All right, pick out any one you want, any one.
Here's a nice green one, it'll match your eyes.
I want that one.
- Which one?
- That one.
- But that's a Ferrari.
- I know.
Isn't it beautiful?
And it costs $14,000!
Come on, pick out something else.
I'll spring for an MG or a Jag,
or something like that,
- but a Ferrari, what's a matter with ya?
- Well, you said any one.
Fourteen thousand bucks, are you nuts?
My conscience won't let me
do it for anything cheaper.
Eh, this is the biggest haul since Brink's.
Come on, be reasonable.
- Look, this is no heap right here, you know.
- I don't wanna nag,
but it'll take more than a Jag
for you to induce me to do
what you want me to.
I'm sorry.
I want a Ferrari.
A little MG is nothin' but nothin' to me.
I'd rather go on with my common old Cadillac.
I'm sorry.
I want a Ferrari.
In that little red job, I'd be the snobbiest snob,
but, baby, I'd show my gratitude.
That bomb of a gift would give my lovin' a lift.
Sure would change my attitude.
So if you wanna be friends,
don't mention the Mercedes-Benz,
or even a beautiful Alfa Romeo.
I'm sorry.
I want a Ferrari.
Try this Isetta instead,
it'll help you carry your lead,
and you gotta roll back the roof
to make room for your head, Miss du Barry.
Ah, it's still a Ferrari.
It's all made by hand.
At a mere 14 grand, honey.
That is, indeed, a car.
But one thing I'm sure
is that with a chassis like yours
a girl don't really need a car.
Signora, permeta prego.
Ah, signore!
Aye, come along with me, Signore Maclllaney.
Not gonna spend-a no 14G.
(she exclaims in Italian)
Mi amore Ferrari.
Baby, don't be a jerk.
Jake, you know what I'm thinkin'.
You're better off in a Merc.
No, not even a Lincoln.
- A Ford would be fine.
- I'm getting bored with your line.
- Well, it acts well.
- Yeah, like a Maxwell.
- I'm sorry.
- Winnipeg!
- I want a...
- Haven't ya heard?
"Ferrari" is a dirty word.
I want a car that wins races.
You wanna win races?
Any horse can win races.
But the point of my case is,
I don't want a Chevrolet Corvette.
You wanna get me deep in debt?
- I want a car that's highly priced.
- What about a job that I can heist?
- Buick?
- No.
- Packard?
- No.
- DeSoto?
- Oh, go to...
I want a...
Don't say it, don't say it.
Please, get me off of the hook.
You're makin' me feel like a schnook.
Consider the new forward look of the Chrysler.
Suppose, my dear friend,
you just take the air.
Get ready to spend, or call off the affair.
I'm sorry!
Okay, you win.
She's got a Ferrari!
"We, the union officials...
The duly elected union officials..."
Will accomplish the following program.
One, a clubhouse for the members
with a bar, a dance floor, a bowling alley,
a pool room, and a playground for the kids.
Two, a 100 percent rise in layoff benefits,
"but 25 percent of any wage increase will
be paid to the union for the next six months."
I second a motion.
Nobody made a motion.
Get your foot outta your mouth, Fats.
Well, there's the program, just as Words read it.
- Any objections?
- I got a question.
- Shoot.
- Where's the money comin' from for all this?
Where it should come from, the ship owners.
Mr. Alper's here.
- Oh, send him in.
- Send him in.
Ship owners' agent.
Be ready to catch his wig when it flips.
- Morning, Maclllaney.
- Hello, George.
You know everybody.
Glad to see you, gentlemen.
Quite an upset you fellas pulled.
I understand poor .K. Merritt
is in an alcoholic ward.
Oh, I wouldn't know.
Sorry to hear that, he's a peach.
Well, what can I do for you?
Well, George, the local has decided
it can't honor the old contract any longer.
Old contract? It's only
been in effect three months!
Well, it's old to us, we're new.
Longshoremen are being paid more today
than in their entire history.
George, I did not invent
the law of supply and demand.
Two and two make four,
but so help me, I didn't do it.
Well, there's no point
in discussing this any further.
I'll send you memorandum about terms.
You can have three days to accept.
Have you discussed this with Pinelli?
No, why should I?
Well, for one reason, because your local
is a member of Pinelli's united stevedores.
And for another, Mr. Pinelli
does not approve of wildcat strikes.
You have a lot to learn, gentlemen.
Good luck, and good day.
We sure don't want no trouble with Pinelli.
He's bluff in'.
- I wouldn't go up against Pinelli.
- We need to get...
He put Tavish out of business.
Pinelli's the tsar.
- Use your head!
- But, Jake!
Look, why would Pinelli fight us?
Pinelli's got an election of his own comin' up.
Catch a smart guy like that startin' against
the workers before an election.
No, sir, we'll get our hike,
and then we'll get another!
- Jake's right.
- Not even worried about that.
- I vote we adjourn.
- Second a motion.
- You made it.
- Congratulations.
Fats!
And on my part, I admit that...
Just as the prosecution suggests...
There is something sinister in the fact
that the complaining witness has disappeared,
or perhaps fled.
I believe this disappearance
to be the natural act
of a man who has made an unjust
and unwarranted accusation
for some spiteful reason,
and who now realizes that
false and malicious testimony
would result in his indictment for perjury.
I therefore ask the court
to deny the request for postponement
and to dismiss the charges.
Granted.
Case dismissed.
You're awfully quiet, honey.
Realize I just won my first case?
And won it like a veteran, too.
I wonder what happened
to that missing witness.
That, uh, that Mr. Barnes.
Oh, something like Dan said.
Got afraid of a perjury rap
and took it on the I am.
And you had nothing to do with it.
Who, me? Well, how could I?
So Mr. Barnes brought a charge of extortion
simply in order to blacken
your lily-white character,
and then lost the courage to go through with it?
What utter nonsense.
The court didn't think so.
I know, darling, you took
full advantage of the situation.
What are you getting at?
Don't you see that that missing witness
is the sort of thing I was afraid of?
There's something rotten in Denmark,
and now you're mixed up in it.
- I wanna assure you...
- Naturally, you'd deny it.
All I was going to say was,
I don't think the witness made any difference.
Dan would have won the case anyway.
- Wouldn't ya, boy?
- Thanks for the confidence.
Wish Linda had some.
I have all the confidence in the world,
but don't you see
- the obvious point.
- Please, stop talking
as though I was a 12-year-old,
I see everything you see all by myself.
Oh, Dan, please don't.
Well, here we are.
No, Dan, don't go in there.
Let's go home and talk it over first.
We've talked enough, it's settled.
Dan, I insist!
This is a mistake.
You insist, do you?
Well, so do I.
Now, you coming with me or not?
Thank you, no.
Very well.
Dan!
Where to now, Mrs. Cabot?
Home.
Home?
That's where the heart is.
85th and 3rd, driver.
Handsome. I like this job already.
It gets better, come in and meet your staff.
Jake, I wanna talk to you, it's no deal.
A girl just can't change her character overnight.
Ferrari or no Ferrari, I'm not gonna do a thing...
How do ya do?
Dan, Winnipeg Simmons,
your secretary... consulting secretary, that is.
- How do ya do, Miss Simmons?
- Nice to meet you.
Just call me Winnipeg, everybody does.
Thank you, Winnipeg.
- Did you two have some private business?
- No, no, no,
I was just worried about
whether you liked your offices or not.
Worked so hard on them.
I'm overwhelmed!
What's all this?
Cozy, isn't it?
"Palatial" is the word.
Still wanna make the deal?
Certainly, why not?
Well, considering Linda's objections.
Linda's got to learn to let me
make my own decisions.
I'm not an apron-string husband.
Give me a pen, Winnie.
Here ya are.
Where do I sign?
Don't you wanna read it first?
No, you're my lawyer, you read it for me.
Okay, right here.
- Got some copies, too.
- Here, let me help.
I've got it, thanks.
Look, uh, when you get
your John Henry on these,
I've got a rush job for you.
New contract for the ship owners.
Has to be ready in the morning.
I'll send you a memorandum and all the stuff.
It has to be ready in the morning,
I'll have to work tonight.
Won't be the last time.
Okay, I'll phone Linda
as soon as I know how late I'll be.
Yeah, you do that.
Take good care of him, Winnie.
He's ours now.
Would you like me to turn on the music,
or, uh, fix a fire?
What am I supposed to do,
practice law, or give cocktail parties?
Whichever you choose, Mr. Cabot.
'Fraid I'd better start practicing law,
or I won't get home till morning.
The, uh, sofa makes up into a day bed.
Hello?
Hello, darling.
- Mad at me?
- No, not any longer.
I'm sorry I was bossy, I love you.
Come home so I can show you how much!
I can't, sweetheart, that's why I've called.
I've got to work tonight, a rush job.
Oh, late?
3:00, 4:00 in the morning, at least.
Revising a union contract.
I've got to get it out.
But Dan, you don't know
anything about union affairs yet.
You mustn't get involved
until you can consult with somebody.
Oh, Linda, it happens I'm qualified
to draw a contract,
and I'm already involved.
Dan, you're being so stupid.
What's happened to you?
I'm sick of being henpecked,
that's what's happened to me.
Can't you trust me a little bit?
There's some things I know better than you.
Paragraph four, section six, maritime code:
"It is additionally recommended..."
That's the end of the disc.
Oh, I'll get you a new one.
Never mind.
What's the matter?
- Tired?
- A little, troubled.
Why don't you let me fix you a drink?
That's a very clever prescription.
I don't know when I've felt so jangled.
Do you want to stretch out
and try for a little nap?
No, I'm too tense.
I'm just not the type for domestic spats,
they upset me.
I'm the same way.
Life's too short.
Love's too short, too.
Oh, are you in love?
It's possible.
That's funny.
What is?
Not knowing whether you're in love or not.
Well, it takes two to tango, you know?
I guess it does.
Now that I know what a consulting secretary is,
I don't understand
how I ever got along without one!
Thanks!
I was hoping you'd like me.
- You mind if I have a drink?
- Of course not!
Sit down, let's talk awhile.
All right.
- You interest me.
- Oh?
When did I begin to interest you?
Well, when Jake introduced us.
Then it was true, I did hear a click.
- A what?
- Click.
You see, when two people meet
who are gonna mean something to each other,
I think, in that very first second,
there's a click,
a click that you can actually hear.
Don't you?
Yes, I suppose something like that happens
when friends meet for the first time.
It did happen, didn't it?
Well, yes, I could tell right away
that you were a nice girl.
I'm not a nice girl, Dan.
A nice girl wouldn't make love
to another woman's husband.
Oh, come on, come on, you're not making love.
Flirting a little maybe.
Even a nice girl flirts, no harm in that.
Flirting isn't the same thing as making love.
I oughta know, I'm a lawyer.
Isn't it?
You gotta walk before you can run, you know.
Dan?
Don't you think I'm pretty?
What kind of a question is that?
You know you're pretty.
Pretty enough?
Enough for what?
For you.
Winnipeg, I'm not in circulation.
I love Linda.
You didn't sound that way on the phone.
I was angry, I love her.
Well, how can you be angry
with somebody you love?
Don't you read the newspapers?
Happens every day.
Maybe you don't know what love is.
It's too late to educate me now.
Why? Now is the best time.
Look, would you sit down for one minute?
I want to explain something to you.
I doubt that it needs explaining.
Oh, please, I promise I won't attack you, okay?
What I want you to understand is that
whatever you ask me to do, I'll do. Honest.
Even if you ask me to go away.
Well, that certainly shouldn't be necessary.
I hope not.
I promise, I won't be a nuisance.
After all, I wouldn't be the first secretary
to fall hopelessly in love with her boss.
Would I?
Dan!
- Now it all begins to make sense!
- Linda!
When a man of principle
forgets every decent standard,
- there has to be a reason.
- Linda, this isn't what you...
I knew you weren't that greedy, not for money.
Honey, it doesn't mean anything, does it?
- Please don't talk to me.
- Honey, look, all it was was...
Honey, it was just an impulse!
- Don't bother to explain, it's perfectly obvious!
- Linda, look...
-And don't bother to come home
for your things, I'll send them here!
Now, look, honey, look,
just give me a minute, will you?
Huh, can't you?
Here, drink it, honey.
Come on, it'll make you feel better.
Huh?
Well, don't let it throw you.
- She'll get over it.
- She'll never speak to me again.
- She'll divorce me.
- Some chance.
You really are a baby, aren't you?
- What are you talking about?
- Wives.
They don't give up that easily.
She wouldn't even listen to me.
- She wouldn't let me explain!
- Well, don't try!
You couldn't anyway,
not while she's still playing John's first wife.
I hadn't even done anything wrong yet.
Well, we can always make up for that.
Come on, have a drink.
Not now. Thank you, but not now.
Well, it's just like I was saying
before we were interrupted.
Now is the only time ever.
Ah, maybe you're right.
Jake. Jake!
- Yeah?
- Jake, it's Pinelli! Pinelli!
- It's the big boss!
- On the phone?
No, he's here!
My name is Maclllaney.
Hello there, young fella.
Hello, Mr. Pinelli.
Would you come in?
I haven't had a chance
to congratulate you on your election.
You're gonna be a good president.
Thanks!
Now we talk alone.
Who's this?
- Ed Barto, Mr. Pinelli.
- My vice president.
You want him to blow?
No, no, no, no, no, it's all right.
You don't know,
I had my eye on you a long time.
Smart fella, I told 'em,
"Watch him! He's going places."
And that's where you went.
Well, I didn't think you knew I was alive.
Oh, no, I know, I know.
I think maybe I have a place for you
on the Grand Council.
- Well, that'll be great!
- We'll see, we'll see.
Ah, Maclllaney.
This new contract you're trying to negotiate,
you forget it, eh?
Why?
Why? 'Cause I said so.
I'm sorry, Mr. Pinelli,
but I'm gonna run my local the way I see fit.
Oh, a stand-up guy!
That's very good, very good!
Only don't stand up against Pinelli
or no more local.
The members elected me president for a year,
and during that time,
I'm giving the orders, I ain't taking them.
Hey, you wanna be president or nothing, huh?
What is that?
- What is what?
- That.
- A charter.
- And who signed it?
- You did.
- And where do you stand if I revoke it?
Now, you listen to me.
You strike, you strike alone.
No other local strikes with you.
And then, if I wanna get tough,
I declare you an outlaw shop.
And all the other locals,
they strike if your men work anyplace.
I says anyplace!
I bet that boy understands what I mean.
Yes, sir, I do. I sure do!
- Pretty clear.
- Good, good.
And next time you wanna negotiate,
you check with me first, huh?
Well, would you mind telling me
why we can't have a new contract?
Oh, yes, oh, yes.
I tell you someday.
Don't worry, don't worry.
We'll get along. Good night.
Good night, Mr. Pinelli.
Good night.
You shouldn't have tried to buck him, boss.
Lucky for you, he didn't flip!
Guess we gotta call off the benefits program.
Can't welsh on my promises.
I'll be throwing union politics if I did.
Pinelli knows that.
Look at that.
Look at those cargo manifests.
Seven billion dollars worth of merchandise
pass into our hands this year,
and we can't raise a miserable half million.
Hmm.
Wait a minute.
Maybe we can.
Don't buck Pinelli, that's all I say.
Don't buck him.
Shut up!
Here we are.
- Perfect.
- What's that?
- Money.
- Huh?
Money.
All the money we'll need.
Ten thousand jeweled watch movements
insured for 75 bucks a piece.
Ain't that lovely?
- We gonna hijack 'em?
- Mhm, that's the idea, $750,000 worth.
It'll take a long time
to sell that many hot watches.
It would, yes, it would, unless I could fix it
so that they wouldn't be hot
so that nobody'd know they'd been heisted.
How could you do that?
This way, chum, this way.
Hermie Iala is winchman on 163.
Hermie makes a giant boo-boo
and drops the crate of watches in the drink.
- You got that?
- Yeah!
Mhm. A couple of hours later,
the insurance company sends down a diver,
but the diver doesn't find the crate.
Then they know somebody latched onto 'em!
They'll know nothing.
All they'll find is a couple of dozen
loose watch movements,
which I will buy in the morning.
They'll figure the rest of them got washed away
with the current or got silted over,
and there's a lovely, beautiful
four knot current running through there.
Now I dig ya.
Get me Hermie Iala's address.
Suppose them watches get ruined.
Water ain't good for 'em.
Waterproof, friend. Waterproof.
One hundred percent waterproof,
just like my scheme.
"Unless such employment be sooner terminated
as here and after provided.
It is also agreed to part ones..."
oh, thank you.
It's fresh, help keep you awake.
- Hiya, Dan, hiya, Winn!
- Hi!
Right in here, Lenny!
- In the closet for the time being.
- What's that?
Contribution, not for you, but a local.
- Want some coffee?
- Yeah, please, I'm cold.
Well, the contract's practically finished.
I need a girl to transcribe.
Never mind, turns out we don't need it now.
You don't need it now?
No, sorry I put you to the trouble.
Do you re...
It doesn't matter.
It's only cost me one marriage.
What do you mean?
We've broken up.
Linda walked in on Winnipeg and me last night.
Misunderstood the whole thing.
I phoned her this morning, I tried to explain,
but she won't listen to me.
She said she wants to get a divorce.
Hung up on me.
Well, Winnie, thank you.
You don't really deserve it, making poor Dan
work on that contract all night.
Drive in good health.
Doesn't mean she'll get a divorce
just because she says so, does it?
You don't know her.
When she makes a decision, that's it.
Like the Supreme Court.
Mhm, in other words, when she says
she's through, she's through?
That's right.
What are you so happy about?
Who me? Oh, the contributions.
You see, a rich friend of mine
who used to be a stevedore himself
gave us a fortune,
but it's in watch movements,
so we have to find a way to dispose of them.
It shouldn't be any problem
if the movements are any good.
Oh, they're good, but it gets a little bit sticky.
- You see, my friend doesn't want his name used.
- Why not?
Well, you oughta be able
to figure that one out.
We don't get contributions for nothing.
Local 26 is expected to pay off in favors.
- So?
- So my friend doesn't want to be accused
of grabbing the union,
even though he had no such intention.
- Oh, I see.
- So you get on the horn
and use your own name and contact
all the leading watch firms.
These things, let me see,
they wholesale at 75 bucks.
So you take 50 if they'll pay spot cash.
10,000 movements?
That's a lot of spot cash!
Well, that's why we knocked the price down.
Okay, but not today.
I'm going to go and sack out for a while.
- Yes?
- Linda? Jake.
If you want Dan, he's not here.
Well, I don't want Dan.
I want to know how the most beautiful girl
in New York is this morning.
I'm sorry, Jake,
but I'm not in the mood for chitchat.
No, I shouldn't think you would be.
- I heard the bad news.
- You did?
Have you really broken up with Dan?
Permanently.
Aw, what a shame.
Have you made any plans?
Well, the usual, get a job.
Can I help you?
Thanks, no, Jake.
I used to work at WNTV,
and I'm pretty sure they'll take me back.
What did you do there?
Sang, standby commercials.
Standby? What's standby?
Nothing really, it's just being ready to go on
in case a performer doesn't show up,
- but they always do.
- They do, huh?
Linda, let me be in your corner, will ya?
Why not?
It's not exactly crowded there.
Well, I'll see you later.
Cheer up!
This is going to be a happy day.
It is?
Goodbye.
Will you wait right here, please?
Don't move around, sir, and...
Thank you, sir.
Okay, you got it, Pete?
Standby on stage, Linda!
Four walls can make a dwelling.
Four walls, a roof, and a floor.
That's all the agent's selling.
Four walls and nothing more.
That's all the agent's selling.
Four walls for those who roam.
Four walls can make a dwelling,
but it takes Love to make a home.
Yes, it takes Love to make a home.
Love is lovely, Love is urgent.
Love is a sudsy-wudsy detergent.
Love is a mystical, magical foam.
Love is a dream
that tidies your didies
and everything else in a home.
So, shine up the silverware
and brighten the bric-a-brac,
and start to tidy up your little dream house.
Here's a new broom,
here is a vacuum cleaner
that will make your home lovely
for your spouse.
A woman finds Venetian blinds help her
to keep things lovely
when her family comes home.
My lady can relax with an electric wax
and she can make a man slip.
And keep him falling forever.
Here is a mop, cleaning the kitchen won't stop
until the ancient Adam loses interest in Eve.
Don't let the dust or the rust leave a trace,
just polish your nails
and keep the cream on your face.
Love wages war on the spots on the floor
and it's time to crystal and to chrome.
- It means all sorts of things.
- Even bath tub rings.
Leave it to Love to make your house a home.
Love is a soap that is really hip.
Skid chains on it so you won't slip.
Love leave lingerie lily-white.
It's got hexy-dexy hexolite!
Wash your sink with Love.
Wash your mink with Love.
Wash anything that you need to cleanse,
your dog or your cat or your dirty old friends
with Love, Love, Love, Love, Love.
Happy hands have a chuckle
in every knuckle!
Four walls can make it a dwelling.
But you need more than just a door
and a roof above.
Love wages war on the spots on the floor,
gives dirt a shove,
so ask for L...
O...
L-O-V-E, that spells...
Love!
We're off the air.
Joe, stop those stinking bubbles!
Nice job, everyone, thank you very much.
Good girl, you made it all the way through!
Thank you, thanks, kids!
Well, you've convinced me!
I'm not in favor your peddling Love,
but you've put me in the market.
I'll tell the sponsor!
What are you doing here?
Just wanted to see
if you were in the mood for lunch.
Oh, definitely, I'm famished!
Jake, I substituted for Amy Kissworthy!
- She was in a taxi crash!
- Yeah, I know.
They said she wasn't hurt, but they said
they had to take her to the sta...
How did you know?
Oh, well, I figured it was something like that.
Oh.
Jake, do you know
that I earned $125 in one hour?
I'll still pay for the lunch.
Will you wait here for me while I change?
Longer than that.
What's the lemon peel for?
Well, you twist it in the espresso,
makes it taste good.
Oh. Where'd you learn to be
such a connoisseur?
I had an uncle who was a butler.
Best in the business, too,
if he could've kept his hands off the silver.
You know, considering
you're a crook and a horror,
you're really very nice company.
Oh, please, Linda, please,
don't throw me crumbs.
It isn't nice when you've got a guy hooked.
I've got you hooked?
Oh, you know you have. Bad.
I think I love you so much,
I could make you happy
whether you love me back or not.
You understand what I'm offering you?
The greatest luxury there is:
A relationship where you can be
the dishonest one.
Oh, only Jake Maclllaney
could tell a girl he loves her
and tease her at the same time.
That's just so I won't be off balance
when I get the counter punch.
I'm afraid it's coming.
In the first place, I'm not available.
Even if I were, I don't love you,
Jake, not at all.
I'm sorry.
What else was there to do but say it!
Maybe age doesn't make
as much difference as you think.
Elderly guys and young gals,
getting to be quite the fashion.
It's no use, Jake, honestly.
- Your check, sir.
- Thank you.
Well, I lose round one.
It's going to be a long fight.
A long one.
When you're 80 and I'm 105,
I'm gonna gather myself together
and spring on you like a tiger
with my teeth in my hand.
- Here he comes now.
- Somebody you know?
- Blue suit and a gray hat?
- That's the one.
Look out, Linda!
Come on, get up, get up, quick!
Did any of that stuff get on you?
- Some on my coat!
- Don't touch it, don't touch it!
- Come on, girl, get moving!
- Where?
- Drug store, then to a doctor.
- What was that stuff?
Acid!
Oh, nothing serious.
Just superficial burns.
I'll give you a salve to use,
apply it twice a day.
Thank you, Doctor.
Oh, and don't wipe that lotion off, let it dry.
Oh, Doc, would you have a look at this?
- It stings a little.
- Oh, of course!
Jake, why didn't you say you were hurt?
Oh, it's nothing.
Hurts me like I had a leg full of soda water,
but I'll sure know our acid-throwing friend
if ever I meet him in a Turkish bath.
He sat in the stuff.
- Modern Scarf ace.
- Oh, Jake, really!
Well, the cloth will disintegrate,
but you suffered nothing worse
than the loss of a perfectly good pair of pants.
Leave this dressing on until it dries,
then you can go about your business.
Thanks, Doc, good deal.
- How can you take this so calmly?
- It's all in a day's work.
That's the kind of work I'm in.
Don't you get disgusted by it?
It's terrifying, revolting work!
Well, I will admit that union politics
are not charming.
Why are you laughing?
Oh, because no matter
how much you want it to be,
the world just ain't a big garden.
It's a jungle where the winner is always right.
And don't look down on unions,
'cause without them,
the jungle could be a whole lot crueler.
What I look down on is violence and brutality,
if that's what you mean by union politics.
Look, a well-read girl like you
should have heard of such outstanding men
as Samuel Gompers, John L. Lewis,
Dubinsky, Meany, Reuther? Hmm?
Would you say that those men
accomplished anything worthwhile?
Well, you're not trying
to compare yourself with those men?
Oh, no, no, no, they're 100 percent.
I'm, let's say, 15 percent,
but someday maybe like them.
Not if you associate with acid-throwers,
mutilating people,
all kinds of sordid episodes.
Somebody shoved a shotgun
through Reuther's window a few years back
and tried to blast his head off.
I would say that was rather sordid, wouldn't you?
No. No honest man ever got to the top in labor
without becoming a target on the way up.
What in the world makes a man
go through all that?
The hope that someday,
he may wind up with enough power
to see that everybody gets a square deal.
Coming from you, that sounds rather funny!
It could hardly be your ambition, Jake.
Then you tell me what it could be, money?
A congressional committee
couldn't find a single dime
belonging to Jake Maclllaney
in any bank account in the country,
nor any safety deposit boxes neither.
You know why they couldn't find it?
Because they haven't got it.
You know what I've got?
Six suits and a comb in a walk-up
boarding house on West 10th Street.
Now, never mind.
"Oh, this could hardly be your ambition, Jake."
That's what I get for leveling with a dame.
Oh, Jake, I've never really understood you
until this moment.
Well, that's the biggest crumb yet.
Look out, pretty soon I'll wind up
with the whole cake!
Ladies and gentlemen of the press
and fellow officials from our brother locals,
this occasion is to celebrate the biggest day
in the history of Local 26 U.S.A.
We've got a home.
This is our site purchased yesterday.
And this is what we start to build tomorrow,
and we're pretty proud of it already.
Right here, my own idea,
an indoor groundbreaking ceremony.
Saves wear and tear
on the overcoats and earmuffs.
And besides, it doesn't get you
too far away from the refreshments.
Here we go!
The clubhouse is on its way, drink hearty.
Well, well, Sleep-Out, where have you been?
Been looking all over for you.
You know where I've been.
- How would I know?
- Oh, quit it, will you?
Ginger told me what you did.
- Did you?
- Sure, Jake.
I figured Sleep-Out was entitled to know
who his friends are.
I don't know how I can ever thank you
for coming through on that lug, Jake.
I want you to know,
I never felt better in my life.
I'll never forget you, Jake. Never.
Well, what do you know?
This goes to show, if you live right,
everything falls in your lap.
Well, hello. I'm Jake Maclllaney.
We know you, Jake, we know all about you.
That's why we're here.
Well, you don't look like the police,
so I guess that's a compliment.
Say, have you got some place we can talk?
Oh, yes, right over there.
Big day, huh? You join a winning club.
- Having fun?
- Uh-huh!
I'm almost ready to give you back the Ferrari!
You keep it, you're entitled to it.
What does that mean?
Oh, nothing, it's just a private joke.
Means I'm having a wonderful time.
- Aren't you?
- Well, sure!
What else? It's a ball!
Only my glass is empty.
Jake, the longshoremen are talking about you
all the way from Hoboken to Spuyten Duyvil.
The way you knocked out the Merritt regime,
the benefits you're giving your men.
Now, hold it, hold it.
I'm not giving them anything.
It all comes out of union funds
and it's their union.
A lot of the union politicians
don't feel that way.
We're a pretty representative delegation
and we're willing to pledge our support
if you will run against Pinelli.
We think you've got a chance.
Head of United Stevedores?
- Right.
- You ain't taking that serious?
Is this a gag?
I can hand over $18,000
for your campaign fund.
Does that sound like a gag?
No, but it sounds like
a waste of money against Pinelli.
- We'll take a chance.
- Yes, sir, we'll take a chance.
Don't buck Pinelli.
Pick on the FBI or the Marine Corps,
but don't buck Pinelli!
I know, I know, I know how tough he is.
President of the United Stevedores?
Like being on the cabinet?
The garbage pail, that's where we'll be
on the city dump!
My friend is the nervous type.
Hm, how about you?
Me? I'm stupid.
I'll run.
Sure, he's no pushover.
Sure, he's got a following.
Hey, it don't help nothing, you call up
you tell me things I already know.
I can't revoke his charter.
Why, why? He's too big now why.
I'll make a move, plenty moves,
soon as I find out where he gets his money.
Group insurance clubhouses,
that's where he gets his following.
It ain't his big blue eyes.
Yeah, so when I find out
where his money comes from,
then I cut it off and finish Maclllaney.
Yeah, we're feeling out his men.
I think maybe, maybe we found a soft one.
Barto, Barto, that's his name.
- Yeah, he's coming to see me.
- Sir? He's here now.
I'll call you back. Yeah.
Well, send him in!
- Hello, Barto.
- Good morning, Mr. Pinelli.
Carl Bemis said it was all right
if I came to see you.
I hope I'm not intruding on your time.
You're a busy man, I know.
Sit down, sit down.
I wanted to make sure you understood.
No calls, no visitors.
I got nothing to do with Jake's campaign.
Sit down, sit down.
I told Jake not to run against ya.
- I warned him, I said, "Jake..."
- Barto, how long you been with him, huh?
Three years.
But I wouldn't have stuck with him 10 minutes
if I'd known he was nuts.
- Myself, I've been a Pinelli man ever since...
- Listen, Barto.
I'm gonna do something nice for you, real nice.
- Thanks, but I really didn't come over to get...
- Now, what I want is information.
- You give it to me?
- You bet, Mr. Pinelli.
Anything you want. Anything.
What do you say, how about a drink,
my friend, while we talk?
You're a smart man, Barto.
You won't be sorry.
I gave you a bad mark
when you take on Pinelli.
I figure you was overmatched, but not anymore!
Not according to the boys,
never getting a word from Hoboken,
the West Side, and all the key points.
Don't get carried away,
I'm still the shortender.
You know, we could win in a walk
if I could just think of a clincher.
- Like what?
- If I knew like what I'd have it!
The gizmo, the gimmick, the gadget,
the thing, the everse.
- Haven't got it.
- If the election was tomorrow,
- I bet you'd beat him.
- Oh, no, we'd lose.
No, that Pinelli's got more tricks
than you ever heard of.
You know, we're in a good spot,
if I could just think of the everse.
Well, I'll get it, I'll get it.
Always comes to you if you live right.
Hello, Jake, come on in.
I'm dying to see that show,
I've heard so much about it!
- You almost ready?
- Almost.
I wouldn't make us late for that show.
Just have to pin on my corsage.
Jake, these camellias are heaven!
You're a marvelous beau.
If I was a husband, I'd be a better one.
You know, when some girls marry,
they gain a husband, but they lose a...
I've gotta talk to...
Linda, you'd better have that lock changed.
Get out, I mean it.
I haven't time to talk to you now, Dan,
we're going to the theater.
There'll be a hell of a lot better
scene right here unless you listen to me.
All right, but make it fast.
- And alone.
- That's up to Linda.
It's not necessary.
Look, I'm not gonna let you
spoil our lives for nothing.
- Just because you're pigheaded and...
- Me spoil our lives? Me?
And what do you mean, "for nothing"?
Kissing another girl doesn't mean anything!
- It's just one of those things...
- Kissing another woman
happens to be grounds for divorce
in every law court in the country.
Law courts don't know anything about people.
I'm a lawyer, I oughta know!
Would you kindly leave?
- Oh, Linda, darling, I...
- Don't look now,
but there's one man too many here,
and I think it's you.
- Hold it, you expecting anybody?
- No.
I noticed a car tailing me up here.
This might be another one of Merritt's...
Don't you open that!
You're not giving orders
in my apartment, not yet!
Yes, what do you want?
- Hey, who are you?
- Never mind.
Get out, get her out of here!
Maclllaney!
Oh, hello, Lieutenant!
- These your boys?
- Didn't you flash your badge?
Didn't have time, Lieutenant.
- You're under arrest, Jake.
- That stinks, Lieutenant.
How was I to know they were cops?
That's got nothing to do with it.
The charge is grand larceny.
Oh, get lost. This is a frame!
Speak your piece downtown.
What'd I steal, a graft some politician
was getting off Merritt?
You stole a million dollars in watches
the way I hear it.
Uh-oh.
You know anything about this?
You must be talking about the watches
your friend had me sell.
What friend?
The one that didn't want his name used,
you remember.
I don't know what you're talking about!
You say you sold some watches?
What are you doing?
Of course I sold the watches,
anybody can check that.
I turned the money over to you.
Well, you got a receipt?
Or any proof of that transaction?
You must have some proof!
No, I don't.
Why should I? I was just the middleman.
Oh, a lawyer ought to be able to think up
a better story than that.
Well, there's your man, Lieutenant.
I guess we solved that one pretty quick,
didn't we?
I don't understand this,
but Dan couldn't be a thief, it's impossible!
I hope so, Linda.
And I also hope whoever bought the watches
can't trace 'em back to Dan's possession.
Or can they?
- I'll kill you.
- Take it easy.
I don't care who stole what.
I have a warrant to pick you up
and I'm picking you up.
And let the real thief get away.
Jake, for heaven's sake.
- Please listen to me.
- Relax, lady, I'm not a judge, I'm a cop.
Bring him along, boys,
if you think you can handle him.
Hold it, I'm entitled to a phone call.
I'm calling your superior officer, Captain Bixby.
Wait outside, boys.
And if I were you, Counselor,
I'd start heading for Mexico City
right this minute.
Hello, Captain Bixby? Jake Maclllaney.
I'm fine, thanks, except that
I'm having a small beef here
with your friend Lieutenant Tevis.
You know the deal?
Well, the man who really glommed
on to those watches is right here!
Dan Cabot, a lawyer.
Well, I'll tell you how I know.
He just admitted it
in the presence of five witnesses.
Well, why not pick up the guilty man
instead of me?
That's not an unreasonable request, is it?
Oh, and about 4,000 union members
would appreciate it, Captain.
Oh, you got a John Doe warrant.
Yeah, that's right.
Sounds logical to me, too.
No, I'm not going anywhere out of the city.
I'll be available at all times.
Yes, of course.
Fine, I'll put him on. Thank you.
Hello, Captain.
Yes, Captain.
Will do, yes, sir.
All right, Cabot, get your hat and coat.
You're coming along with me.
That's what I thought.
This is insane!
Things just don't happen like this.
No, they don't just happen,
your friend Jake makes them happen.
I won't let him do it, I won't.
Linda, if I can't be with you,
I'd just as soon be in jail anyway.
I've been unhappy, too.
Have you?
Come on, come on.
Bye, love.
Oh, no.
Not for that shnook, you can't.
Guys like him are a dime a dozen,
and think of the way he let you down.
Maybe he wasn't loyal to me,
but he's good and honest
and he has high ideals,
and you ruined him.
What was the alternative?
Am I supposed to take the rap myself?
It was you who stole the watches, wasn't it?
What's that got to do with anything?
Look, Linda, if I wanted to save Dan's neck now,
I'd have to put myself in his place,
confess, plead guilty,
and all I'd have going for me is this.
Oh, Jake, will you? Will you?
I certainly won't, why should I? For what?
For me!
Linda, in my life, nobody ever gave me
a dime or an inch.
I've sweated like a bridegroom
to get where I am.
And now you're asking me to give it all up
for a gal who's in love with another guy,
a guy I don't even like?
Yes, that is what I'm asking.
And on top of that, I should go sit in the pokey
for a couple of semesters
thinking how noble I was?
I'm not asking you to do it for nothing.
For what, then?
If you help Dan, I'll do anything you ask me to.
I'll be your girl.
I'll marry you if you want me to or not.
Whatever you say, you can name
your own terms, anything!
You mean you'd go that far
just to keep that square out of the can?
On my word of honor.
Word of honor.
You're not 23 years old, you're eight.
I'm a grown woman and I mean what I say.
- Oh, please.
- No, no, no.
Wouldn't be any fun that way.
Oh, dear God, what'll I do?
Oh, come on.
Don't act like it's the end of your life.
It's the end of his.
Couple of years in jail never hurt anybody.
It certainly never hurt me.
Dan could've been governor.
He's still got his contract with the local.
That will not be cancelled.
He'll have a nice little stake when he gets out
and he can go into union politics.
When the story gets out, the members will think
he stole all that money for them,
for their clubhouse, and for their benefits.
He'll be a real vote getter in the unions,
all the unions.
A very popular figure.
Yeah.
Why should he be the popular figure?
Oh, the everse.
The gimmick, the thing!
This is it.
It'll always drop in your lap if you live right.
All right, turn off the soup.
Don't worry about Dan, I'm gonna clear him.
You will? How?
Just the way you asked me to.
You're... you're gonna confess?
Confess, no.
I'm gonna brag about it.
I don't believe it.
You're gonna do this for me?
Who else?
Imagine Jake Maclllaney turning himself in
for a school girl with a crush on her husband.
Hello, Operator?
- Police Headquarters, please.
- Yes, sir.
Well, it's kind of merry to change character
once in a while.
- Keeps from getting into a rut.
- Police Headquarters.
Hello, Police Headquarters?
Commissioner Hennessy, please.
Jake Maclllaney calling.
The commissioner's not here, sir.
I'll connect you with his home
if you'll hold the line.
Please, thank you.
Jake, I love you, I really love you.
If I thought there was a one percent chance
you meant that,
I'd let Dan Cabot go up for life.
No, you wouldn't.
You're too good.
I do love you.
Then why are my feet so cold?
- Hello?
- Hello, hello, Commissioner Hennessy, please.
The commissioner is not in.
This is Mrs. Hennessy.
Oh, Mrs. Hennessy, my name is Maclllaney.
I've got a very urgent matter
to take up with your husband.
He'll be back in half an hour.
Half an hour? All right,
thank you, I'll call back.
- Very well.
- Oh, Mrs. Hennessy?
Mrs. Hennessy, madam,
I think it's about time
that you knew your husband
was carrying on an affair
with Tamara Lubovna
of the Ice Frolics.
What?
What was that?
Well, I gotta go to jail anyway,
why should the commissioner be happy?
Oh, Jake, you're a monster!
And an angel.
Oh, thank you, thank you!
Yes, sir?
Tell Petruzzi forget that Thanksgiving deal,
the 10,000 turkeys.
We don't need them now.
Tell him save the money.
Yes, sir.
And in passing sentence, the court also notes,
as the defense so vigorously suggested,
that the defendant did not commit his crime
with an eye to his own personal gain.
Now, there is further mitigating circumstance
that's substantial restitution has been made.
The court will now pass sentence.
The court sentences the defendant to...
Will the defendant please attempt
to show some interest in this decision?
Oh, sorry, Your Honor, sorry.
The sentence is two years
in the State Penitentiary.
Court is adjourned.
- Come along, Maclllaney.
- Just a minute, officer, he'll be right with you.
Well, that means about a year and a half.
That's the least you can expect, Jake.
What time is it?
Eleven.
Funny none of the gang has showed up yet.
The election returns oughta be in by now.
But what do you care?
Oh, I see.
Come on, let's go.
Keep in touch. You know my address.
- Hold it, Jake.
- Hold it.
- That does it, thank you.
- Good work, Jake.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Jake.
I just wanted to give you my thanks again.
- And a kiss.
- I'll take the kiss.
Honey, one of us is as dumb as they come.
Come along.
Ow, geez Louise.
No more Pinelli, boss!
You're the new champ!
Come on, give us a speech!
All right, all right, all right!
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd just like to state this simple belief.
There's nothing as wrong
as a half-hearted thief!
To survive in a racket, you've got to have gall,
so never steal anything small.
How can people elect a man
who admits he stole?
Because he stole for them.
They love him.
Dan, the world is loony.
Never steal anything, never steal anything,
never steal anything small!
- Never!
- Never steal anything.
- Never.
- Never steal anything.
Never, never, never, never,
- never steal anything small!
- Never steal anything small!