Outside Providence (1999) Movie Script
( The Who's "Won't Get
Fooled Again" playing )
We'll be fighting
In the streets
With our children
At our feet
And the morals that
They worship will be gone
And the men
Who spurred us on
Sit in judgment
Of all wrong
They decide and the shotgun
Sings the song
I'll tip my hat
To the new constitution
Take a bow
For the new revolution
Smile and grin
At the change all around
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees
And pray
We don't get fooled again
MR. DUNPHY:
Hey, Dildo,
get that mangy mutt out of here.
( whimpering )
DUNPH:
Dildo. That's what
my old man called me,
Dildo Dunphy.
TOMMY:
Can you believe
this fucking town?
DUNPH:
This blows.
DRUGS:
Dunph,
give me another beer.
None left.
Just lemonade.
All right.
Hey, let's go
to the parking lot.
What for?
All guys.
How about the field?
Fuck the field.
Where do the girls go
at night, huh?
You know what?
We should go to the edge.
Sully stinkfingered Bunny Cote
over there.
What?
They were doing bongs and shit.
And he stinkfingered her
in his car.
With his finger, Sully.
How do you know?
His finger stunk.
Drugs,
you smelled his finger?
You retard.
DUNPH:
That's my brother, Jackie.
He had a freak accident
when he was a kid.
You see,
we were playing touch football,
and, uh,
well, he fell off the roof.
CAVWICH:
Everybody's hard on Nixon.
JOEY:
Right, well, why not?
Guy's a putz.
He didn't do nothing all
those other assholes didn't do.
Yeah, he did.
He got pinched.
CAVWICH:
Please, that was
a fucking witch-hunt.
Those two Jewish bastards gave
a shit about this country,
they'd have kept
their traps shut.
Cavwich,
Woodward ain't Jewish, okay?
Those guys are reporters.
They're just doing their job.
They're stool pigeons.
You don't accuse
the president
of the highest office
in the land of stuff
when all you got is
some lousy erased tapes.
It isn't enough.
Especially all the guy's trying
to do is cover his own ass.
Thank you.
What did this clown ever do
for us besides go to China?
CAVWICH: I guarantee...
DUNPH: Jackie.
...that 20 years from now,
because of Nixon,
that our friends will be
right beside us fighting.
DUNPH: Jackie.
What's up?
Go in my room
and get me my bong.
JACKIE: Which one?
The big one.
Dildo, what the hell are
you doing out there?
He's getting my jacket.
I didn't want to bug you guys
during your game.
What bug?
Who are you bugging?
Now drag your pimply ass in here
and say hi to the guys.
Show some class,
for crissakes.
Dunph, I can't go in there.
I'm too fucked up.
CAVWICH:
Hey, Dildo!
What are you other
dip-shits up to?
Nothing.
CAVWICH:
Hey, Mousy.
Hmm?
What's this shit?
That's a beard.
What the fuck does someone your
age need a beard for?
You know what they say about
guys with beards, aren't you?
Queers.
Queers?
Yeah, every one of them.
What do you think
they're going for?
They're afraid they look
too much like broads.
DUNPH:
That's Cavwich.
He's a used-car salesman,
claims he's connected.
What about Abraham Lincoln?
Lincoln? Queer as they come.
You got farts
in your head.
I'm telling you,
it's true.
It ain't me.
Look it up in the book.
Here, Dunph,
here's your jacket.
( bong clatters )
( all groan )
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the fuck?
What in the world
is this contraption?
It's a horn.
MR. DUNPHY:
A horn?
Yeah, you know,
like a music horn.
Yeah, it's a horn.
Okay, Satchmo, why don't you
play us a few notes?
( blows air )
( blows air )
All right, ass-bag.
Enough of that nonsense.
Why don't you and those other
ass-bags get out of here
and quit bugging us?
DUNPH:
See you later.
( boys chattering )
( laughs )
I'd like to know where
You got the notion
To rock the boat
Don't rock the boat, baby
Rock the boat
Don't tip the boat over
Rock the boat
Don't rock the boat, baby
Rock the boat
Ever since our voyage
Of love began
Your touch has thrilled me
Like the rush of the wind
They look like
a bunch of fags.
I know.
I'd be a fag too if
I could get that kind of pussy.
You just said
you'd be a fag.
Yeah. Then I could get
that kind of pussy.
No amount of babes in the world
is worth being a homo for.
Hey,
there's Bunny Cote.
( chattering )
Let's go talk to her.
No, I'm not talking to her.
You go talk to her.
Hey, Dunph.
Hi, Bunny.
Want to dance?
Nah. I'm not very good
at disco dancing.
So just regular dance.
Come on.
Don't rock the boat, baby
Rock the boat
Up to now
We sailed through every storm
And I've always had your
Tender lips to keep me warm
Oh, I need to have the
Strength that flows from you
Don't let me drift away
My dear
Cut it out, huh?
You look like an asshole.
Sorry.
Our love is like
A ship on the ocean
Hey.
Mississippi queen
If you know what I mean
Mississippi queen
So how's Sully?
Write the fucking thing, please?
Write the fucking thing.
All gone.
( boys laughing )
Whoa, That fucking
packs a punch, man.
( boys chattering and laughing )
Aw, fuck.
Aw, shit.
Oh, fuck me.
Oh, my God.
( thunder crashes )
MR. DUNPHY:
A horn, huh?
A music horn.
Fuck.
Damn moron.
( engine turns over )
( dog barking )
A prep school?
What's a prep school?
It's to prepare you
for not getting
your neck broke by me.
You're just goddamn lucky
Cavwich had pull with the judge.
Grass, no license.
You hit
a parked cop car.
Don't get me started
again, Dildo.
But, Pop,
I'm gonna be a senior.
You can't send me away
my senior year.
Aw, let me go
and get my violin.
One more thing.
Cut that fucking mop
on top of your head
or I will cut it
for you.
DUNPH:
Just can't believe
this shit.
Look at my fucking head.
So, where is this place
anyway?
Two and a half hours from here
in Cornwall, Connecticut.
Least you'll be getting out
of this fucking shithole.
You really think the Bucket's
a shithole, mousy?
Should put a toilet seat
on top of this place.
If it sucks so bad, why don't
you move to Providence?
Like that would
change anything.
California. When I graduate
that's where I'm heading.
California. They got babes
like a bastard out there.
MOUSY:
It's because they're rich there.
Rich guys marry babes.
It's called breeding.
They got babes, they got weed.
They got cars that don't rust.
Weed and cars that don't rust?
Fucking A, I'm all over that.
You fucking losers go.
I'm staying right here.
( tender theme playing )
So, uh...
You think Bunny goes out
on dates?
Bunny Cote?
Yeah.
Drugs, she fucks everybody
in town.
I know. I'm just saying.
I'm just saying, you know.
I'll go to the movies
by myself.
Hey, Drugs,
if you had to say
who was your best friend,
you would say me, right?
No question.
Yeah, if you blow me.
Why?
Nah, man.
Come on.
I need you to do something
for me.
What?
Well, you got to
say yes first.
All right, yes.
Now what?
All right.
I know it's
a pain in the ass,
but you got to help Jackie with
the paper route while I'm gone.
Just while I'm gone,
Drugs.
Is it the morning paper?
DUNPH:
That was the difference
between Drugs
and the rest of the guys.
He was more reliable.
If he gave you his word,
there was a fifty-fifty chance
he'd come through.
Here's 30 frog pelts for you.
Oh, and please don't thank me.
It's just a loan.
Don't give me that look,
Dildo.
You're one lucky bastard,
and you don't know it.
What I wouldn't give
for an opportunity like this
when I was a kid, and your first
homework assignment
is to write
a letter to Cavwich
and thank him for getting you
into this place.
And don't forget
what the judge said.
You don't graduate,
it's one year in Socko.
Heh. Prep school don't sound
so bad now, huh, Dildo?
Take it easy, Dunph.
Yeah, you too, Jackie.
MR. DUNPHY:
All right. Come on.
Let's go.
You're gonna miss the bus.
( Argent's
"Hold Your Head Up" playing )
Hey, Dunph.
The Jets game.
Don't forget.
Yeah, all right.
MR. DUNPHY:
All right.
Come on. Come on.
And if it's bad
Don't let it get you down
You can take it
DUNPH:
My old man always wondered
if Cavwich really had
the connections he said he did.
I guess there was no doubt
after what happened
with the judge
and me getting into this place.
Thanks a lot, Cavwich.
Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head high
Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head high
( all chattering )
FUNDERBURK:
Mr. Dunphy.
Right this way.
I'm Mr. Funderburk,
your dorm master.
These are the rules.
Listen carefully.
No smoking, no drinking,
no drugs, no sex,
no cheating, no lying,
no gambling, no matches.
No shit?
No swearing.
No showering after dinner.
Be in your room by 10 p.m.,
lights out at 10:30,
and no locks allowed
on the door.
Don't go into town
without written permission.
There are many other rules.
Here's your handbook.
Study it.
If you get caught breaking
any of those rules,
you'll be stung with work hours
after class.
( bell tolls )
JACK:
Hey.
Fonzie.
Where you going?
The assembly.
Like that?
( all chattering )
Thanks, man.
DEAN:
Settle down, people.
Settle down. Settle down.
Settle down.
Today,
we commence Cornwall Academy's
82nd year of existence.
BOY:
Boring.
In the past 10 years,
other institutions of our ilk
have chosen to liberalize
their curriculum.
While these other institutions
have grown to expect less
from their students,
we here at Cornwall
expect more.
Now, you new students
might not fully understand
exactly what
this commitment means.
So I will leave you now
while Mr. Funderburk chooses
a returning student
to rise and recite
our school fight song.
( scattered applause )
Welcome.
BOY:
Funderjerk.
( all clearing throats )
Mr. Irving Waltham.
BOY 1:
Jizz!
Would you please rise and sing
for us the school fight song?
BOY 2:
Go, Jizz!
( scattered laughter )
BOY 3 ( whispering ):
He looks like he's gonna
piss his pants.
( boys whispering )
As...
We stand tall
At old Cornwall
Our spirits tried and true
Our minds are strong
BOY 4 ( whispering ):
"Our spirits
tried and true."
Our spirits tried and true
( scattered laughter )
It seems Mr. Waltham
has forgotten the words.
No, I...
Our spirits...
Gentlemen, who here thinks
that we should extend
to Mr. Waltham
the proper motivation
so that he will never again
forget the school fight song?
IRV:
No, I know the song! Stop!
Put me down.
I know the song!
( boys cheering )
Our minds are strong
Our work days long
Our toils we ere see through
Would you stop that,
please?
Would you stop that,
please?
I'm trying to study.
Yeah, me too.
And this is the first thing
I want to learn.
I'd take another peek at it
if I was you.
I already told you.
I know that song.
I got nervous.
I do that.
I get nervous.
What are you studying
down there anyway?
Class stuff.
Classes don't start
until tomorrow, kid.
You mean
you haven't started studying?
Oh, man.
You're never gonna catch up.
( alarm buzzes )
10:30.
Lights out.
Oh, okay. Give me five more
minutes with this thing.
No, I already got
three hours tomorrow
for not knowing
that stupid song.
DUNPH:
Okay, buddy, calm down.
( tender theme playing )
DUNPH:
I've never been apart
from my brother Jackie
in my whole life, and already
I was starting to miss him.
I felt kind of bad
about the way I left things
at the bus station.
I knew I wouldn't sleep
until I talked to him.
Ow.
Sorry.
What are you doing?
I got to make a phone call.
You can't make a phone call
after 10:00.
Lights are out.
That's it, man.
( door closes )
Now you're gonna get stung.
OPERATOR:
Will you accept
a collect call from Tim?
MR. DUNPHY: Tim Dunphy?
Yes.
For crissakes,
you just left today.
I gotta talk to Jackie.
OPERATOR:
Do you accept the call?
MR. DUNPHY:
Come on. It's 11:00. You know
I got to work tomorrow.
OPERATOR:
I'm going
to disconnect you now.
Just tell Jackie
that I'll take him...
( line disconnects )
...to the game.
( boys chattering )
I told you
you'd get stung.
I hope your phone call
was worth it.
Hey, Jizz. Catch.
Ow! Unh.
Hey! Hey!
BOY:
That's gonna leave a mark.
IRV:
My glasses.
I can't...
I can't find my...
( whistles )
We got about 10 minutes till
Clusterfuck makes his rounds.
( Lee Michael's "Do You Know
What I Mean" playing )
Been 40 days
Since I don't know when
I just saw her
With my best friend
Do you know what I mean?
Dunph, Billy Fu.
He's Middle Eastern.
He's a good shit.
Got the best reefer
on campus.
Do you know what I mean?
( bubbling )
Lord, do you know
What I mean?
( inhaling )
( exhales )
( laughs )
( Dunph coughing )
BILLY:
It's a barrel of laughs,
eh, Dunph?
Do you know
Know what I mean?
All righty, class.
Who can tell me what X equals?
Okay.
Mr... Mr. Dunphy.
Mr. Dunphy?
Um...
I think
I'm in the wrong class.
In 1933,
who launched the New Deal?
Mr. Dunphy.
Mr. Dunphy?
Who launched the New Deal?
Um...
NASA?
( students laugh )
What we're gonna do here today
is I'm gonna go around the room,
and I'd like each of you
to name your favorite author.
Hemingway.
Salinger.
Faulkner.
Uh, Hamlet.
Jack London.
JACK:
So, what are you doing
on Sunday afternoon?
Summarizing the works
of William Shakespeare.
Ohh. You should have gone
with Salinger,
because he only wrote
a couple of books.
DUNPH:
Whoa, wait a second.
Goddess on a mountaintop
Burning like a silver flame
The summit
Of beauty and love
And Venus was her name
Who-- Who's--
What are you, an owl?
Forget it.
( laughs )
JACK:
Her name's Jane Weston,
hands down the coolest chick
in school.
Forget it.
I'm your fire
At your desire
Oh.
Little help, please?
Yeah.
( scoffs )
Thanks.
Thanks.
DEAN:
Mr. Dunphy,
do you have
a friend called "Drugs"?
Drugs Delaney?
How many individuals
named "Drugs"
could you possibly
associate with?
Just one.
Yesterday, we received a,
uh, a letter addressed simply
to Cornwall Academy,
Cornwall, Connecticut.
So, naturally, we, uh--
We opened it and read it.
And...
You might want to sit down.
It begins,
"Greetings, Dunph.
"What's happening?
"I got your letter today.
"Cornhole Academy
"sounds like it really
sucks the big one.
"I can't believe they make
everyone
"work a lot and not smoke.
"You should tell that
piece of shit Funderturd
"to shove it.
"You didn't want to go there
in the first place.
"Eat shit, man.
"Today, you should have
seen me and Mousy today
at school today."
We got cocked on a pint
of blackberry brandy,
ate some THC on the bus.
"We were fucked.
This teacher, Mr. Rivera,
goes..."
"What's wrong with you,
Delaney?"
I go,
"I'm totally fucked, man!"
"Everybody laughed
like a bastard."
Oh, man. You should see
this song I'm listening to.
"It's called 'Don't Bogart That
Joint, My Friend.'
"I think it's by
a group called...
( clears throat )
"This is a couple
of hours later.
Must have nodded out,
man."
I got to go 'cause I probably
definitely gonna nod out again.
You want me
to send you some...
"...squeef?
"Or you got enough?
"Good luck
not getting caught.
Cocked in Rhode Island."
Drugs.
P.S...
Oh, yes, there's a postscript
you might be interested in.
"Mousy says he stinkfingered
Bunny Cote."
As you might imagine,
Mr. Dunphy,
this is -- This is--
This is fairly incriminating.
And, uh, technically,
you have not breached any
of Cornwall Academy's rules.
But you can bet
your bottom dollar, mister,
we're gonna be keeping
an eye on you.
( Wings'
"Band on the Run" playing )
Well, the rain exploded
With a mighty crash
As we fell into the sun
And the first one said
To the second one there
"I hope you're having fun"
Band on the run
Band on the run
Psst! Jackie!
Don't worry,
the old man's in church.
Where you been? The game's gonna
start pretty soon.
Jackie, I've been thumbing
for two and a half hours.
I'd get booted out
of that place
if they knew
I was doing this.
You're giving me shit?
Sorry.
So how you doin'?
Good.
How's the old man treating
old Clapsy here?
Still won't let her
in the house.
How's he treating you?
He's good.
A little quiet.
Hmm.
You know what else?
I think he misses you.
Heh. Really?
Yeah, he talks about you
like you're dead or something.
Hmm.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
JACKIE:
So does it suck,
this school you're going to?
No, it's all right.
Really?
Actually, it sucks. The big one.
And this guy Funderburk hates me
like a bastard.
I'm like
the dumbest kid there
and I gotta take
these retard classes.
( car horn blares )
Come on.
How come
they're not stopping?
Probably because
of the wheelchair, huh?
Probably? No, Jackie,
it's definitely
because of the wheelchair.
Now quit your bitching
and let's move.
DUNPH:
I never let Jackie
feel bad for himself
because I wanted him to fit in.
Nobody wants to be around
somebody they feel sorry for,
so I treated him
like any other kid brother.
All right.
Quit your clowning.
Come on.
How you doing?
What's up?
Listen.
I got my crippled
kid brother over there,
and he's a big Namath fan.
And I was just wondering
if maybe you could get us
onto the field.
Tell you what. I can't
get you out on the field,
but I got standing room only
up on the second level.
Bring him
right through here.
Thank you so much.
You ready?
Yeah.
All right,
ham it up, okay?
Thank you.
( The Eagles'
"Take it Easy" playing )
Well, I'm a-standin' on
A corner in Winslow, Arizona
And such a fine sight
To see
It's a girl, my lord,
In a flatbed Ford
Slowin' down
To take a look at me
MR. WESTON:
Anytime today
would be good, son.
Good lad.
MRS. WESTON:
Jack, will you be nice?
I gotta know
If your sweet love
JANE:
I liked the school.
I just don't know
if it's right for me.
The whole way it was presented,
you know?
Well, my vote says you can't
go wrong with Dartmouth.
Who says I can even
get in to Dartmouth?
You get your boards up a little,
you'll get in.
What about you?
Tim.
Where are you going
next year?
I'm thinking,
like, college.
Any particular college?
Yeah, probably.
( chuckles )
DUNPH:
I'll be right back.
MR. WESTON:
Fill it up.
Well, I'm a-runnin'
Down the road
Trying to loosen my load
Got a world of trouble
On my mind
Lookin' for a lover
I got an extra one just in case
you wanted one.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah.
Mmm.
What is this?
( parents speaking
indistinctly )
Don't let the sound
Of your own wheels
Make you crazy
Come on, baby
Don't say maybe
I got to know
If your sweet love
Is gonna save me
MRS. WESTON:
Here we are.
JANE:
Thanks for the Coke.
Good luck.
DUNPH: Appreciate the ride.
MR. WESTON: No trouble at all.
Nice to meet you, Jane.
You too.
Oh, we got it easy
Billy Fu?
What are you doing up here?
Isn't this Home Ec
with Perkins?
Yeah.
I'm in this class.
I heard we were making
chocolate-chip cookies today.
But, uh,
I'm going
to make brownies.
Well, where you been, huh?
Term's half over.
I've been taking it easy,
you know?
You see, my father,
he donate $5 million to school,
and, of course, they don't see
one Yankee dime
until I graduate.
( chuckles )
My father's a very sharp
cookie, eh, Dunph?
Very sharp.
My mother thought
you were so funny.
She did?
He said he wants to go
to college in Arizona
because it's on the water.
( all laugh )
My father thought
he was dead serious.
Oh, you got them
pretty good.
Oh, yeah,
they were cracking up
all the way
to the girls' school.
Anyway, I got to get going.
See you around, Wheeler.
Bye, Jim.
Bye, Jane.
I don't get it.
You tell me how Arizona
is not on the water.
Dunph, that gray border
down there,
that's not water.
That's Mexico.
Still?
Well, what the fuck was
the Alamo for?
Look, Dunph,
I went through
the same kind of thing
a couple
of summers ago.
There was this girl
at camp I liked.
At first,
she was really nice to me,
then suddenly, she wouldn't even
give me the time of day.
This is her.
DUNPH:
Wow.
S-S-She's--
She's something, Irv.
Unfortunately,
she knows it.
( upbeat rock theme playing )
Hey.
Hey.
Do you always do that?
What?
Uh, wash your pillow.
Yeah, sometimes.
When I'm in the mood.
Toms Brook, Virginia.
Wow.
That sounds like
a pretty cool place to be from.
Yeah, it is.
It must be beautiful.
Oh, yeah.
So, what do people do around
here for fun? On the weekend?
There's not much to do.
You can go up in the woods
and get high.
That's about it.
( Steely Dan's "Do it Again"
playing )
( Jane laughs )
So tell me about Pawtucket,
Jim.
What do you want to know,
Betty?
Betty?
Tim.
Oh! Heh. I'm sorry.
( laughs )
Heh. Wow.
This is good weed.
Yeah, it's homegrown.
A friend of mine,
in Pawtucket,
every day he soaks
the weed in bug spray
so when you smoking it,
you're also getting insecticide,
which is a pretty good buzz
on its own.
Have you smoked
insecticide on its own?
Yeah, right?
What am I, stupid?
I'm gonna smoke
a deadly poison?
( both laughing )
( Badfinger's "No Matter What"
playing )
No matter what you are
Dunph!
One, two...
Doesn't matter what you do
Three!
That was very straight.
Good job.
No matter what you do
I will always be around
Won't you tell me
What you found now
"At your pardon,
I will myself..."
( whistling )
DUNPH:
Hey.
Dunph.
Be a part of it all
Aah!
Nothing to see
Nothing would be
No matter where you go
( imitating explosions )
What's this?
Read it.
Brown University?
They got one of these
in Providence, you know.
There's only one, Dunph.
Just read it.
"After reviewing
your application for admission,
I am pleased
to inform you that you..."
( laughs )
"...have been accepted
to the graduating class
of 1979
at Brown University."
Yes.
"Sincerely,
Jonathan S. Rogers Jr."
So am I gonna
like Providence, Dunph?
( laughs )
Yeah,
we're gonna love it.
"We're gonna love it"?
Yeah.
Okay.
( sighs )
This is--
This is great.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
FUNDERBURK:
Mr. Dunphy.
A word.
Congratulations,
Mr. Dunphy.
You've broken another record
here at Cornwall.
You've got more hours
to work off
than you've got time left
in the semester.
BOY 1:
I can't be late
to practice.
BOY 2:
Yo, wait up.
Okay, ladies, on our feet.
Chop, chop.
Jenkins and Martin,
four more hours each.
How about that?
What, is something funny,
gentlemen?
Let's make it five,
all right? Five hours each.
I do love the fall.
It gives us so much work to do,
doesn't it?
Five hours. Jenkins.
( door closes )
( Electric Light Orchestra's
"Showdown" playing )
She cried
To the southern wind
About a love
That was sure to end
Thanks very much,
gentlemen.
Always nice
doing business with you.
Headin' for a showdown
Fire!
Fire in Funderburk's room!
Someone call
the fire department!
Looks like we're ridin'
On the same train
Looks as though
There'll be more pain
Ow! Ow! God!
There's gonna be a showdown
Fire! Fire!
( alarm ringing )
Look at my hand.
Explain how I burnt my hand.
It was hot, Bill.
I'm telling you it was hot.
Well, I--
What was I supposed to do?
MAN ( on radio ):
Roger. That's a false alarm
at Cornwall...
This was not
a false alarm.
She came to me like a friend
She blew in
On a southern wind
Now my heart is turned
To stone again
There's gonna be a showdown
( alarm rings )
IRV:
Good night.
DUNPH:
You should call her, Irv.
IRV:
What do you mean?
DUNPH:
I mean you should go see
her over the holidays.
Maybe she's changed.
Maybe she's nice again.
She hasn't changed.
There was this kid whose cousin
went to Cornwall.
He told her.
You know?
That they call me Jizz.
So? Big whoop.
A friend of mine from Pawtucket,
they call him Dingleberry.
This guy gets more beaver
than the Hoover Dam.
You know, when I first
came here, I did all right.
I almost ran for class treasurer
my freshman year.
Then they asked me
to join a secret club.
Only five freshmen they asked,
and I was one of them.
( thunder rumbles )
BOY 1:
This year, you five are honored
to be the chosen ones.
This brotherhood was formed
to protect one another,
to aid each other
both academically and socially,
to shield each other from
embarrassment and humiliation.
Are you willing to come with us
into the sacred fold?
ALL:
Yes.
Therefore,
to bind ourselves together,
we must bear witness
to one another's humiliation.
When I blow out
this candle,
we'll all drop trou
and commence to jack off
till each of us hath come.
This should serve as the glue
that binds us together
as right-hand men
from this day forward,
November 13th
in the year of our Lord 1971.
BOY 1:
We shall now begin.
( rustling, zipper clicks )
( boys moaning )
( boys laugh )
( cheers and applause )
( door slams )
ALL ( chanting ):
Jizz! Jizz! Jizz! Jizz!
DUNPH:
You got tricked.
Who gives a fuck?
You flogged the dolphin, that
ain't a federal offense.
Around here it is.
Bullshit!
You know that 99 percent
of all teenage guys beat off?
Really?
Yeah, 99 percent.
And something like
4 percent of most girls too.
Everyone on this hall beats off.
Like you mean,
even you, Dunph?
Well, no, I don't.
Not personally, I don't, but...
( sighs )
I mean, if you read the
research, it's very common.
( soft theme playing )
DUNPH:
We didn't have
a White Christmas that year,
but it was good
to be home anyway.
Even my old man and his friends
seemed to be in better spirits
around the holidays.
Unless you're gonna pay
for him,
shut the fuck up
and let him play his own cards.
Just wake up,
will you, please?
It's like playing with
fucking Gomer Pyle over here.
He's queer, you know.
Who's queer?
The Gomer Pyle guy,
Jim Nabors.
Him and that Rock Hudson,
they're queers together.
Did you go to school
on the short bus?
Rock Hudson is not queer.
Is too,
him and that Nabors.
He could be.
He's a good singer, that Nabors.
( chuckles )
Hey, hey, hey.
What, you don't tell your
old man what's going on no more?
What are you two
knuckleheads doing?
Going out.
And what are you
gonna do?
Hang around.
And when are you
coming back?
Later.
There.
Was that so hard?
Heh. I like to give it to 'em.
Bastards.
Isn't he dead,
that Gomer Pyle?
I don't think so.
Are you sure?
Hoss Cartwright's dead.
Will you shut
the fuck up?
Hoss Cartwright's dead?
We get it on
Most every night
When that moon gets big
And bright
So, Dunph, you getting any
up there?
Well, there's this one girl.
She's pretty cool.
How's her helmet?
Incredible.
Prettiest girl
in the school.
Her toilet?
Perfect.
Big fun bags?
Nah, but nice ones.
Are you porking her?
No.
I don't even care
if I bang her.
It don't matter.
I like her.
Come on, what do you mean
it don't matter?
I mean...
No, I'm just saying,
You can treat her
like a guy.
What, you mean, she don't freak
out if you bust her balls?
No, not at all.
She's a good chick.
Huh. She sounds like
a cool mule.
You know,
a real classy broad.
Classy broad?
You wouldn't know
a classy broad
if she took a dump
on your head.
( all laugh )
Ah, I don't know.
I mean, it just don't figure,
you know?
Guy like Rock Hudson
he could have any broad
in the world he wanted.
Well you know what that is?
It's a sickness.
It's a mental disturbance
caused by his mother.
It's a sin is what it is,
period.
Who gives a shit?
So he's gay. Big deal.
Big deal? What's that mean,
"big deal"?
Why do you give a fuck anyway?
Doesn't affect you.
I mean, I could see
if Raquel Welch was lezzie.
But what do you
give a shit about him?
I just do.
Why, you don't?
No, I don't.
Hey, well,
if that don't bother you,
maybe you're a femme too.
All right, already.
Somebody pick a card.
Wait a second.
I gotta hear this now.
I mean, we're laying our cards
on the thing here, right?
Joey, do you or don't you
take it in the jaw?
( laughs )
Shut the fuck up
for fuck's sake!
What? Wait a second!
Guy's never been married.
You ever seen him with a broad?
What if I was?
Would that change something?
You afraid I'd come on to you
all of a sudden,
start playing
grab-ass with you?
Just answer the question, okay?
Are you now,
or have you ever been,
a gay?
Yeah. Okay, yeah.
( Mr. Dunphy laughs )
He's fucking busting our balls.
He means he's gay like,
different.
Right?
CAVWICH?
Is that it?
I mean, "gay" is that
what you mean?
"Gay," like different?
Or "gay" like:
Oh, I can't help you out there
at all.
You're on your own.
Get the fuck out of here!
( all shout )
( door closes )
Anyone else got
any confessions?
( upbeat music playing )
She moves pretty well
for a big woman.
Not in the fucking house
with those things.
How many times
do I got to tell you?
( grunts )
That's what you get.
Thanks for the album,
Pop.
I've been wanting this.
That there's
a double album,
and it's from me
and Jackie too.
Or Jackie and me,
whatever.
You're the student.
Which is it?
Either one,
so long as you're referring
to an object.
Thanks, Jackie.
God, she dropped
the thing there.
You see that?
DUNPH:
It was hard to think about
my mother at Christmastime.
But it was even harder
not to think about her.
( The Beach Boys'
"Little Saint Nick" playing )
Well, way up north
Where the air gets cold
There's a tale about
Christmas
That you've all been told
And a real famous cat
All dressed up in red
And he spends the whole year
Working out on his sled
It's the little Saint Nick
It's the little Saint Nick
Just a little bobsled
We call it old Saint Nick
But she'll walk a toboggan
With a four-speed stick
She's candy-apple red
With a ski for a wheel
And when Santa gives her gas,
Man, just watch her peel
It's the little Saint Nick
It's the little Saint Nick
Having fun, Dildo?
Yeah. Ah.
I can't do this tie thing.
I feel like a retard
at school
wearing a clip-on. Everyone
else, they wear real ties.
I look like a--
Look like a bozo.
Relax.
Just relax for a second.
Here.
Let me see this here.
Necktie.
Got the wide side,
you got the skinny side.
Wide, left.
Skinny, right.
Now, count down
from the collar.
One, two,
three, four.
Skinny side,
you draw it down
just below that fourth button,
all right?
Now, take the wide side.
You come over once,
then under.
Come over twice.
You paying
attention here?
Yeah. Ahem.
All right. You throw it over,
then you come through here.
That hole, right?
The worm comes
through the hole,
then right down
into that little fold you made
right there like that.
You see that?
You're always keeping it tight,
all right?
How old was she then?
She was young.
I-- I don't remember.
Now pay attention here.
Yeah.
Keeping it tight,
nice and tight.
Now,
when you're done,
if you've done
your job properly,
you're gonna have this V
right here like that.
They call that the vicious V.
The broads really love that.
All right?
All right.
There you are. It's easy.
You give it a shot.
All right.
( Free's
"All Right Now" playing )
Jizz!
Would you relax, man?
Worse than my 80-year-old grand
crack.
You're gonna jinx us all.
Wheeler.
Don't call him Jizz.
I gotta bolt.
You guys be cool.
JANE:
I got you a Christmas present.
Springsteen. Asbury Park.
You know, my friend
saw him live in a bar once.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
And this is great.
Thanks a lot.
Sure.
( sighs )
Oh.
Here.
( laughs )
Dunph, it's beautiful.
Double roach clips.
Cool.
Yeah, I got it
at the dentist.
All right now
Baby, it's all right now
DRUGS:
Greetings, Dunphy.
Did you know that if you
stretched out your intestines,
they'd reach the moon?
It's a fact.
It's exactly 10,000 miles from
your mouth to your asshole.
I guess that's why
shit looks so bad, right?
Only seven more months
to California, don't forget.
Oh, yeah,
don't worry about Jackie
and the paper route, all right,
because everything's good.
Oh, shit! Whoa!
Aah, Jesus!
Whoa!
( crash )
( laughing )
You all right, Jack?
JACKIE:
Yeah, I'm all right.
Oh, shit.
All right now
Baby, it's all right now
What's up?
Your room got raided.
Fundy got them all.
Wheeler, Irving, Billy Fu,
all of them.
Oh, shit!
DUNPH:
Hey, Irv,
Brackett told me what happened.
I can't believe it.
How'd you make out?
Not bad.
Twelve hours plus probation.
My parents are probably getting
a divorce over it.
Could've been worse.
What about the other guys?
Same.
( whistle blows )
MAN:
Hey, Dunphy, let's go!
This sucks, Irv.
Really sucks.
What are you doing?
Studying.
In case you hadn't noticed,
Funderburk is on the war path.
Besides,
you have a test tomorrow.
So?
So you need to study.
So put that away.
No, this will help us
concentrate.
No, I'm serious.
I always do better at the
studying thing when I'm stoned.
It does something
to the brain cells, really.
I'm-- I'm not joking around
here. It like, it makes--
Dunph, you haven't had better
than a D since you've been here.
And that's because
there's no good weed around.
It's terrible.
I don't understand you.
You're already
into this Brown University.
Why don't you just try and relax
and enjoy yourself?
Because it's not
about getting in.
It's about doing well.
You know, I busted my butt
for four years
to get into that place.
And it's not just so I could
say, "I go to Brown."
It's because I want to learn.
I want--
I want to challenge myself.
I like that.
All right.
All right, you win, but if we're
gonna do all this studying,
we got to have, like,
one final, like, thing,
like, big blowout.
And it's got to be
in Pawtucket.
( Steppenwolf's
"Magic Carpet Ride" plays )
I like to dream
Yes, yes, right between
My sound machine
( coughing )
This stuff's kind of harsh,
right?
I'm all right.
Here. Take one of these.
What is it?
Vitamin Q.
Relaxes your throat.
Close your eyes, girl
Look inside, girl
( music continues in distance )
So, how come you never talk
about your mother?
I don't know.
I guess
'cause she's dead.
Oh! Dunph--
( scoffs )
Don't worry about it.
I was little.
You know, Jackie doesn't even
remember her.
But you do?
Well, you know,
bits and pieces.
You know,
I remember the day she died,
she cooked this big
turkey dinner,
you know, with stuffing
and mashed potatoes
and cranberry sauce.
( chuckles )
You know,
it wasn't even Thanksgiving.
Was she sick?
Yeah.
You know, just sick of...
of everything.
I miss Alabama once again,
And I think it's a sin, yes
I don't get it.
It don't make sense.
See, there's this guy,
and he's looking back
on his life.
Right.
And he sees these two sets
of footprints in the sand.
Sort of like he had been walking
all along with God.
But then the guy looks,
and he notices
that during the tough times,
there's only one set
of prints.
So, the guy says to God,
"why did you desert me
when I needed you most?"
and God says,
"no, dummy,
"when you saw
only one set of prints,
that was
when I was carrying you."
Ohh, fucking God, man.
He's all right,
you know?
( chuckles )
( music plays in distance )
( guitar solo )
Irving, move.
I got next game.
Okay, fine,
you got next game.
No, I called next game
the last game.
It's my turn.
Kid, just move,
you're shit-faced.
( chuckles )
I'm shit-faced?!
Hey, pud, you better move
your ass fast
'cause I'm about to throw
this fuckin' dart.
Ohh, is that right?
You're gonna throw
the fuckin' dart!
Dunph?
Dunph, take it out.
Take it out!
Take it out!
What the hell happened?
I had next game.
So you got any girlfriends,
Jackie?
Oh, yeah. I'm going out with
a couple of Playboy bunnies.
You're a good-looking guy. Why
couldn't you have a girlfriend?
I don't know.
I guess I could.
But I'm just sort of playing
the field right now.
Ew.
Irv, what the fuck?
Funkadelic.
( groans )
You just yorked on me.
He did?
Your friends from Pawtucket
seemed really nice.
Yeah.
Yeah, they're good guys.
Now, remember, Dunph,
we had a deal.
You have to hold up your end
of the bargain.
I know. I know.
Down around the corner
Half a mile from here
See them long trains run
And you watch 'em disappear
Without love
Where would you be now?
Without lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve?
You know I saw Miss Lucy
Down along the tracks
Yeah, I could hardly believe it
myself, Mr. Dunphy.
Looks like somebody's gonna have
a good spring break.
Where would you be
Right now
Without lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve?
( laughter )
( shrieking )
Without love
Where would you be now?
Without lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve?
( shrieking )
Don't! Dunphy!
Aah!
( sea gull cries )
Without lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve
( both laugh )
DUNPH:
After six glorious days
in the sun,
we ran out of Jane's money.
So, I dropped her off
in Virginia
and thumbed it back
to Pawtucket.
I couldn't wait
to tell the guys.
Well, if it ain't
beach-blanket bingo.
What are you doin' here?
I ran into that knucklehead,
Tommy the Wire.
He told me you were gonna
be here. You're late.
Shorty,
two more of these.
( billiard balls clack )
So, what's the story?
I went to Florida.
I know you went to Florida.
Everyone wants to go to Florida.
You should've told me.
I didn't think
you'd let me go.
Fuckin' A right,
I wouldn't have let you go.
( grunts )
Is this your first martini?
Yeah...today.
( chuckles )
All right.
I'm gonna put the cards
on the table.
You always come first
with me.
Anything I ever done was for you
and your brother.
You remember that.
All right.
We're puttin' our cards
on the table here...
how come you never told me
about Mom?
You always think
I'm out to screw you.
No, Pop.
I never said that.
Yeah, but you think it.
And you think it's my fault
your blessed mother
shot herself.
God knows I tried
to help her.
She was a young girl
when we got married,
not much older
than you are now.
What are you, 18, 19?
Seventeen.
Seventeen.
That's a great age to be.
You never seen
such a beauty.
Not like these broads
you guys run with now
with all the shit
on their face.
Your mother.
Oh, boy.
All the time
she got depressed, though,
no matter how happy
she really was.
Then you come along,
this wriggly, little thing
I couldn't even recognize.
I bawled my eyes out
the night you were born.
Thought everything
would be good.
You want another one?
I'll have a beer.
Shorty, one more for me
and a beer for Dildo.
Do me a favor.
Don't call me Dildo in public.
It's a joke.
What's the matter? You think
I don't love you no more?
Come over here
and give me a hug.
Pop...
What, you're afraid
to hug your old man?
No, it's bullshit.
What?
I said it's bullshit!
You watch
your fuckin' mouth.
Then stop lyin' to me.
I know you were divorcing Mom
when she shot herself.
You don't know nothin'!
( siren wails in distance )
Hey...
hey!
Your mother loved you
and Jackie.
That's all you got to know.
( voice breaking )
Life isn't
a fuckin' fairy tale, buddy,
I got news for you.
It isn't easy being Ozzie
when you ain't got a Harriet.
And I loved your mother.
But I couldn't live with her
after a while.
She made me nuts, okay?
Is that what you want to hear?
It was stupid to get married.
We weren't made for each other.
But I loved her
at first sight.
And I was an idiot
about it.
I wanted her to be something
that she couldn't be.
The woman--
The woman was mentally ill.
She was afraid of life.
She wouldn't even
leave the house.
For God's sake, she never even
learned how to drive a car.
It made me crazy.
Almost seven years
together,
you know how many times
we went out?
Once, one time. That's it.
And I guess
you'll never forgive me
till it happens
to you, huh?
Timothy...
well, I hope
you never forgive me.
( engine turns over )
( sighs )
( crickets chirping )
( birds singing )
You gonna eat
that whole thing?
I'm just pickin'.
You know that was full
this morning.
Good stuff.
Supposed to have all-natural
preservatives or some shit.
Hmm?
You should try
this other kind they got.
Heavenly Hash.
Ho ho, marron.
You can't even find it.
I got to bribe the kid down
at Norm's to hide some for me.
I'm, uh...
I'm taking off, Pop.
That little girl
you're running with?
Yeah, what about her?
You putting the wood to her?
What?
You think
I don't know what goes on?
Let me tell you something.
It's just as much
the guy's responsibility
as it is the girl's.
Don't go getting your little
friend there in trouble.
I know.
One more thing.
Makin' sex is
like chinese dinner.
it ain't over until you both
get your cookies, so...
remember I said that.
All right.
How 'bout a ride, huh?
Take care, Pop.
Yeah. Be good.
Bottoms up, Tonto.
There you go.
There's the six and the two.
If they don't land on the same
side of the board,
you roll again.
Oh, no. You move six
and then you move two.
That is the rule.
It's bullshit.
Shh, Jesus Christ, they're gonna
hear up at the girls' school.
Jizz, shut up.
Don't call me that.
What, Jizz?
It's your fucking name.
Hey, come on, come on.
Roll again.
What's my name?
It's Irving...
Jizz.
Are you fucking crazy?
( all laughing )
All right, Irv.
Fuck you too, Wheeler.
All right, all right, all right.
All right, fellas.
I'm gonna make a phone call.
You want some?
Come on, you crazy American,
you're making everything wet.
JANE:
Dunph! Dunph!
Hey! There you are!
Yeah,
where have you been?
I've been at the fort
for over an hour.
I'm sorry.
I got caught up
with these guys, you know?
( chuckles )
So, come on.
Let's go.
Why don't you
come up here?
Yeah, right.
Just get your butt down here.
Come on, Jane Weston.
We'll just have a drink,
and then get out of here.
( sighs )
( Irving laughs )
There you go.
Doo doo doo
Doo doo doo-doo
Run, run, run
Doo doo doo-doo
Run, run, run
You better ride on, baby
You were born outside
Of the--
( music stops )
I think you're in the wrong
building, young lady.
Out...now.
( chuckles )
It would appear we have
a major situation,
wouldn't you say, gentlemen?
Uh...
Billy, I was just comin' by to
see if you guys were studying.
Well, I would advise you
to study somewhere else,
Mr. Wheeler.
Yes, sir.
Well,
you've left me no choice.
If I don't turn you in,
I'd be doing you a disservice.
At some point later in life,
you'll be faced
with a similar situation.
And next time, hopefully,
you'll make the right decision.
See, there are
no second chances in life.
That's what you're learning
here today.
You control your own destiny.
You're the one
who made the bed.
You're the one
who's got to sleep in it.
You're the one
who made the boneheaded--
Oh, will you shut
the fuck up?
I beg your pardon?
You heard me.
Ah, you've done it now,
mister.
Well, you were already gonna
boot us.
What are you gonna do now?
Eat us?
Okay, Dunphy,
let's go.
Dunph, cool off, man.
Dunph...
Take it easy, Dunph.
Who do you think you are,
you insubordinate little twit?
Listen, Fundy,
save the stuff.
I know
you can't boot us.
Oh? Please.
Illuminate me.
I know about Billy Fu.
I know that his father
has committed $5 million
to this school,
all of which will be received
after Billy Fu graduates.
Now, you probably figure
you'll let him slide
and rat the rest
of us out.
But if you do that,
I'll rat him out.
I won't be blackmailed,
Mr. Dunphy.
Fine.
Then we'll take a walk
down to Dean Mort's right now.
You tell your side of the story,
I'll tell mine.
Fair enough.
I'll just show him
the grass.
Then he can
call the cops.
It's not like you were
5 miles up in the woods.
You idiots were doing it
right here under my nose.
Now...
somebody's gonna
pay the price.
Okay, fine.
There's only one person you want
to screw here anyway, right?
The rest of 'em get hours.
Thank you.
Dunph...
I got nothin'.
That's--
That's what we got.
I mean, you know,
probation and a bunch of hours.
Oh, man, we all walk.
( sighs )
Oh, good Christ.
Jane, I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'll go to the D.C.
I'll tell him the truth,
that you weren't even--
Dunph,
I was caught red-handed
in the boys' dormitory
with booze and pot.
It's over.
I feel so bad, you know.
They spent so much money,
and now I can't get in anywhere.
Forget Brown University.
Of course you will.
You got the grades.
Even if you got to start
at, like, a junior college.
( scoffs )
You don't get it, Dunph.
I'm sorry.
( Mr. Weston clears throat )
Jane...
I got to go.
It's not all your fault.
I didn't have to listen to you.
Goodbye.
Janie...
( engine turns over )
( vehicle departs )
Ahhhhh
Ain't nothin' I can say
Nothin' I can do
I feel so bad
Yeah
I feel so blue
Hmm
( laughs )
I got to make it right
For everyone concerned
( shrieks )
Even if it's me
If it means it's me
What's gettin' burned
( sea gull cries )
'Cause I could never
Make you unhappy
No, I couldn't do that,
Girl
Mr. Dunphy?
Mr. Dunphy!
DUNPH:
Yeah?
Hey!
Last night,
there was a car accident,
and your-- Your friend
Drugs Delaney...
I'm very sorry.
Oh, man.
( Lynyrd Skynyrd's
"Free Bird" plays )
If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still
Remember me?
For I must be traveling
On now
'Cause there's too many
Places I've got to see
I want to say something
about Drugs.
Drugs was a good shit.
Wire,
you got anything to say?
That fucking guy
could party, man.
When everybody took one,
he took two.
Nobody could take
that away from him.
Decenz,
you've got anything to say?
Nah.
Tommy said it all.
What the fuck?
...bird you cannot change
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, whoa, oh
And the bird
You cannot change
I wanted to be alone,
but being alone made me think
about Drugsie--
Crazy bastard.
I wondered, if there was
a heaven and hell,
which one he'd go to.
Eh, I hate to even say it,
but I couldn't see drugs
up there with all those saints.
Who knows?
Maybe he'll get lucky.
Maybe after you die,
there's just nothin'.
Huh.
Will you throw
your fucking card?
Oh, it's my turn again?
Yeah, it's a rotation thing,
Einstein. Come on.
You're holding trump
again, you cockfucker.
So now it's my fault?
( laughter )
Before going
back to Cornwall,
there was something I knew
I had to take care of.
( telephone rings )
WOMAN:
Brown University.
Dean Rogers' office.
Could I ask you to hold just one
moment, please, sir? Thank you.
May I help you?
I need to speak
to Mr. Jonathan S. Rogers Jr.
Do you have
an appointment?
No, but...
you don't understand.
I really need to talk to him.
You really need
to have an appointment.
But I don't have one.
Would you like
to make one?
Please?
This is very important.
It could mean the difference
between this girl's whole life.
Dean Rogers' schedule
is entirely filled today.
You need an appointment
to see him.
I'm sorry.
Thank you
for holding, sir.
What day did you want
to come in?
The 18th should be fine.
( classical music plays )
I know I don't have
an appointment,
but you have
to give me a chance.
It's like life or death.
Jane Weston...
the whole thing,
it wasn't her fault.
I'm the one.
It's-- It's all me.
It's not fair.
You have to believe me.
I have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about.
Cornwall Academy.
Mr. Funderburk.
Please, sir,
just let me in,
and I'll--
I'll explain everything.
Please?
One minute.
Come on in.
( classical music continues )
It was all just
this big mistake, and...
Good Lord.
...and this Jane Weston,
she's, like, the smartest girl
in the whole school.
You can't--
( panting )
Sir, I know
you're busy and everything
'cause the lady
out there told me,
but I really
appreciate this.
Yes, I actually meant come in
through the door.
You'd better take a seat.
Yes, Mr. Dunphy,
Jane Weston was accepted,
but due to the facts
in Mr. Funderburk's letter,
we reversed our decision.
Those weren't the facts.
I know I'm probably not gonna
say this right,
but the whole college thing,
to me--
I mean, I'm probably not even
gonna go to college.
But this girl's whole life
is gonna be ruined.
Getting into
this Brown University thing,
it means, like,
everything to her.
I can see you're concerned about
this young lady's future.
That's very commendable.
But don't you think that people
should take responsibility
for their actions?
Yes, sir, they should.
And that's why I'm here.
They were my actions.
It was my fault.
Someone else is getting blamed
for something I did,
and it's just not right.
That's very noble,
Mr. Dunphy.
But chivalry's a tough sell
to the review board.
( sighs )
Dean Rogers...
is there one time
in your life
when you made a mistake and you
wish you could take it back,
'cause if you could,
it would change everything?
Has that ever happened
to you?
And if it has,
maybe you could get
the review board to review that.
( indistinct conversations )
This is it, boys.
It's almost over.
BOY:
Hey, Irving.
( cheering, whistling )
Mental floss.
BOY:
You need help, man.
So, Fu, you got into Princeton.
What a surprise.
Crane and Keller
got into Ithaca.
No way.
Did you heard about Wheeler?
He got into Yale.
Yale?
How the hell did
he get in there?
Same way anyone does.
Get a great recommendation
from Funderburk.
Fundy's a big Yalie.
He's got an in
with the admissions board.
What about Calvert?
Did he get in anywhere?
Florida.
University of Miami.
Ouch.
DUNPH:
I heard you got into Yale.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's pretty unbelievable,
huh?
Yeah, I guess.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey,
what the fuck are you doing?
What the fuck is that?
Lowlife piece of shit.
Whoa.
D-man...
w-where's this coming from?
You got Jane booted.
What are you
talking about?
You ratted us out so Fundy would
give you a recommendation.
That's bull. He gave a lot
of guys good recommendations.
He busted you
winter term.
In my room,
he busted you.
Why would he give you
a good one?
He gave it to me
before he busted me.
He would have
canceled it--
Called Yale and told them
what a stoner you were.
Maybe he forgot.
Don't, Dunph.
You little punk.
You fucked us all, man.
Fuck, man,
this is totally uncool.
You don't have
any fucking proof.
Oh, proof?
( laughs )
Proof ain't gonna matter
when your head's cracked open
on the sidewalk down there.
Dunphy.
Dunphy, take it easy.
Take it easy, man.
Dunph.
Unh!
( breathing heavily )
What's the point?
Your life?
It's gonna suck anyway.
( Jane whistles )
( whistles )
Dunph!
( whistles )
Huh.
Hey.
Hey.
How'd you get here?
I took my parents' car.
They let you?
Come on down.
Don't move.
Hi.
Hi.
( exhales sharply )
J-Jane, I...
I-I'm so sorry
about everything.
You--
You got back in.
I brought you a present.
Hm?
No.
What? What's the matter?
Nothing.
It's just...
I want to remember this moment.
I-- I don't want it to be hazy
'cause of this.
I want to savor it.
You know, let it really sink in.
So it'll always be there.
Okay, I got it.
You can torch it now.
We stayed there all night
and it was really beautiful.
We made plans to see each other
over the summer.
Around dawn Jane nodded off,
but I couldn't sleep.
I was afraid that if I did,
I'd never feel that good again.
DEAN:
Paul Patrick Baker.
Patrick Michael Carey.
Christian Robert Catt.
Gavin Patrick Curren.
Congratulations.
Steven Edward Delaney.
Congratulations.
Timothy Michael Dunphy.
Rocky Wayne Fuller.
Jonathan Beecher Glad...
Hey, can you hand me
my luggage?
Peter Edward McNaught...
Bryan Stewart.
( "Pomp and Circumstance"
plays in distance )
( car horn honks )
Hey, Dunph.
( car horn honks )
DUNPH:
Hey.
What are you guys
doing here?
What the hell you think
we're doing here?
You're graduating
from high school, ain't ya?
Well, yeah, yeah, I guess.
I-it's just no big deal.
What "no big deal"?
I suppose
you're gonna tell me
that this is
no big deal, too, huh?
What's this?
You got in.
W-what do you mean?
( chuckles )
Don't play dumb with me.
Rhode Island Junior College.
You got accepted.
Oh, yeah, uh...
Well, actually...
there is no "accepted."
You just have to
sign up, Pop.
Well,
you filled out the forms.
You showed
a little initiation there.
You're gonna be the first Dunphy
to go to college.
I'm proud of you.
Shake my hand
like a man there.
What are you, a fucking
flounder? There you go.
Y-you know, Pop,
maybe...
if I do real good here,
I could get into, like,
a senior college.
What's that?
Well, you know, like--
Well, like a regular college,
where people sleep over
and shit.
Oh.
Dunph,
if you had done good here,
you could have gotten
into a regular college.
Shut up, you little hard-on.
You're just jealous
because you're not gonna be
the first Dunphy
to go to college.
No, but I can still be
the first to graduate.
( laughs )
You little ball buster.
All right, you two ass-bags,
let's get the hell out of here.
Shorty's got a pitcher
of beers waiting for us.
So, Dildo, what ever happened
to that girlfriend of yours?
She's going to Brown University
next year.
Brown? They got one of those
in Providence, you know.
There's only one, Pop.
( laughing )
You hot shit.
How do you think she's gonna
like riding around Providence
in this shit box?
JACKIE:
She's gonna be Mrs. Dildo.
BOTH:
Shut up, you little hard-on.
( Badfinger's
"No Matter What" plays )
No matter what you are
I will always be with you
Doesn't matter what you do,
Girl
Ooh, girl, with you
No matter what you do
I will always be around
Won't you tell me
What you found, girl?
Ooh, girl, won't you?
Knock down
The old grey wall
Be a part of it all
Nothing to say
Nothing to see
Nothing to do
If you would give me all
As I would give it to you
Nothing would be
Nothing would be
Nothing would be
No matter where you go
There will always be
A place
Can't you see it
In my face, girl
Ooh, girl, won't you?
Knock down
The old grey wall
Be a part of it all
Nothing to say
Nothing to see
Nothing to do
If you would give me all
As I would give it to you
Nothing would be
Nothing would be
Nothing would be
No matter what you are
I will always be with you
Doesn't matter what you do,
Girl
Ooh, girl, with you
Ooh, girl, you girl,
Want you
Ooh, girl, you girl,
Want you
Fooled Again" playing )
We'll be fighting
In the streets
With our children
At our feet
And the morals that
They worship will be gone
And the men
Who spurred us on
Sit in judgment
Of all wrong
They decide and the shotgun
Sings the song
I'll tip my hat
To the new constitution
Take a bow
For the new revolution
Smile and grin
At the change all around
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees
And pray
We don't get fooled again
MR. DUNPHY:
Hey, Dildo,
get that mangy mutt out of here.
( whimpering )
DUNPH:
Dildo. That's what
my old man called me,
Dildo Dunphy.
TOMMY:
Can you believe
this fucking town?
DUNPH:
This blows.
DRUGS:
Dunph,
give me another beer.
None left.
Just lemonade.
All right.
Hey, let's go
to the parking lot.
What for?
All guys.
How about the field?
Fuck the field.
Where do the girls go
at night, huh?
You know what?
We should go to the edge.
Sully stinkfingered Bunny Cote
over there.
What?
They were doing bongs and shit.
And he stinkfingered her
in his car.
With his finger, Sully.
How do you know?
His finger stunk.
Drugs,
you smelled his finger?
You retard.
DUNPH:
That's my brother, Jackie.
He had a freak accident
when he was a kid.
You see,
we were playing touch football,
and, uh,
well, he fell off the roof.
CAVWICH:
Everybody's hard on Nixon.
JOEY:
Right, well, why not?
Guy's a putz.
He didn't do nothing all
those other assholes didn't do.
Yeah, he did.
He got pinched.
CAVWICH:
Please, that was
a fucking witch-hunt.
Those two Jewish bastards gave
a shit about this country,
they'd have kept
their traps shut.
Cavwich,
Woodward ain't Jewish, okay?
Those guys are reporters.
They're just doing their job.
They're stool pigeons.
You don't accuse
the president
of the highest office
in the land of stuff
when all you got is
some lousy erased tapes.
It isn't enough.
Especially all the guy's trying
to do is cover his own ass.
Thank you.
What did this clown ever do
for us besides go to China?
CAVWICH: I guarantee...
DUNPH: Jackie.
...that 20 years from now,
because of Nixon,
that our friends will be
right beside us fighting.
DUNPH: Jackie.
What's up?
Go in my room
and get me my bong.
JACKIE: Which one?
The big one.
Dildo, what the hell are
you doing out there?
He's getting my jacket.
I didn't want to bug you guys
during your game.
What bug?
Who are you bugging?
Now drag your pimply ass in here
and say hi to the guys.
Show some class,
for crissakes.
Dunph, I can't go in there.
I'm too fucked up.
CAVWICH:
Hey, Dildo!
What are you other
dip-shits up to?
Nothing.
CAVWICH:
Hey, Mousy.
Hmm?
What's this shit?
That's a beard.
What the fuck does someone your
age need a beard for?
You know what they say about
guys with beards, aren't you?
Queers.
Queers?
Yeah, every one of them.
What do you think
they're going for?
They're afraid they look
too much like broads.
DUNPH:
That's Cavwich.
He's a used-car salesman,
claims he's connected.
What about Abraham Lincoln?
Lincoln? Queer as they come.
You got farts
in your head.
I'm telling you,
it's true.
It ain't me.
Look it up in the book.
Here, Dunph,
here's your jacket.
( bong clatters )
( all groan )
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the fuck?
What in the world
is this contraption?
It's a horn.
MR. DUNPHY:
A horn?
Yeah, you know,
like a music horn.
Yeah, it's a horn.
Okay, Satchmo, why don't you
play us a few notes?
( blows air )
( blows air )
All right, ass-bag.
Enough of that nonsense.
Why don't you and those other
ass-bags get out of here
and quit bugging us?
DUNPH:
See you later.
( boys chattering )
( laughs )
I'd like to know where
You got the notion
To rock the boat
Don't rock the boat, baby
Rock the boat
Don't tip the boat over
Rock the boat
Don't rock the boat, baby
Rock the boat
Ever since our voyage
Of love began
Your touch has thrilled me
Like the rush of the wind
They look like
a bunch of fags.
I know.
I'd be a fag too if
I could get that kind of pussy.
You just said
you'd be a fag.
Yeah. Then I could get
that kind of pussy.
No amount of babes in the world
is worth being a homo for.
Hey,
there's Bunny Cote.
( chattering )
Let's go talk to her.
No, I'm not talking to her.
You go talk to her.
Hey, Dunph.
Hi, Bunny.
Want to dance?
Nah. I'm not very good
at disco dancing.
So just regular dance.
Come on.
Don't rock the boat, baby
Rock the boat
Up to now
We sailed through every storm
And I've always had your
Tender lips to keep me warm
Oh, I need to have the
Strength that flows from you
Don't let me drift away
My dear
Cut it out, huh?
You look like an asshole.
Sorry.
Our love is like
A ship on the ocean
Hey.
Mississippi queen
If you know what I mean
Mississippi queen
So how's Sully?
Write the fucking thing, please?
Write the fucking thing.
All gone.
( boys laughing )
Whoa, That fucking
packs a punch, man.
( boys chattering and laughing )
Aw, fuck.
Aw, shit.
Oh, fuck me.
Oh, my God.
( thunder crashes )
MR. DUNPHY:
A horn, huh?
A music horn.
Fuck.
Damn moron.
( engine turns over )
( dog barking )
A prep school?
What's a prep school?
It's to prepare you
for not getting
your neck broke by me.
You're just goddamn lucky
Cavwich had pull with the judge.
Grass, no license.
You hit
a parked cop car.
Don't get me started
again, Dildo.
But, Pop,
I'm gonna be a senior.
You can't send me away
my senior year.
Aw, let me go
and get my violin.
One more thing.
Cut that fucking mop
on top of your head
or I will cut it
for you.
DUNPH:
Just can't believe
this shit.
Look at my fucking head.
So, where is this place
anyway?
Two and a half hours from here
in Cornwall, Connecticut.
Least you'll be getting out
of this fucking shithole.
You really think the Bucket's
a shithole, mousy?
Should put a toilet seat
on top of this place.
If it sucks so bad, why don't
you move to Providence?
Like that would
change anything.
California. When I graduate
that's where I'm heading.
California. They got babes
like a bastard out there.
MOUSY:
It's because they're rich there.
Rich guys marry babes.
It's called breeding.
They got babes, they got weed.
They got cars that don't rust.
Weed and cars that don't rust?
Fucking A, I'm all over that.
You fucking losers go.
I'm staying right here.
( tender theme playing )
So, uh...
You think Bunny goes out
on dates?
Bunny Cote?
Yeah.
Drugs, she fucks everybody
in town.
I know. I'm just saying.
I'm just saying, you know.
I'll go to the movies
by myself.
Hey, Drugs,
if you had to say
who was your best friend,
you would say me, right?
No question.
Yeah, if you blow me.
Why?
Nah, man.
Come on.
I need you to do something
for me.
What?
Well, you got to
say yes first.
All right, yes.
Now what?
All right.
I know it's
a pain in the ass,
but you got to help Jackie with
the paper route while I'm gone.
Just while I'm gone,
Drugs.
Is it the morning paper?
DUNPH:
That was the difference
between Drugs
and the rest of the guys.
He was more reliable.
If he gave you his word,
there was a fifty-fifty chance
he'd come through.
Here's 30 frog pelts for you.
Oh, and please don't thank me.
It's just a loan.
Don't give me that look,
Dildo.
You're one lucky bastard,
and you don't know it.
What I wouldn't give
for an opportunity like this
when I was a kid, and your first
homework assignment
is to write
a letter to Cavwich
and thank him for getting you
into this place.
And don't forget
what the judge said.
You don't graduate,
it's one year in Socko.
Heh. Prep school don't sound
so bad now, huh, Dildo?
Take it easy, Dunph.
Yeah, you too, Jackie.
MR. DUNPHY:
All right. Come on.
Let's go.
You're gonna miss the bus.
( Argent's
"Hold Your Head Up" playing )
Hey, Dunph.
The Jets game.
Don't forget.
Yeah, all right.
MR. DUNPHY:
All right.
Come on. Come on.
And if it's bad
Don't let it get you down
You can take it
DUNPH:
My old man always wondered
if Cavwich really had
the connections he said he did.
I guess there was no doubt
after what happened
with the judge
and me getting into this place.
Thanks a lot, Cavwich.
Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head high
Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head up, woman
Hold your head high
( all chattering )
FUNDERBURK:
Mr. Dunphy.
Right this way.
I'm Mr. Funderburk,
your dorm master.
These are the rules.
Listen carefully.
No smoking, no drinking,
no drugs, no sex,
no cheating, no lying,
no gambling, no matches.
No shit?
No swearing.
No showering after dinner.
Be in your room by 10 p.m.,
lights out at 10:30,
and no locks allowed
on the door.
Don't go into town
without written permission.
There are many other rules.
Here's your handbook.
Study it.
If you get caught breaking
any of those rules,
you'll be stung with work hours
after class.
( bell tolls )
JACK:
Hey.
Fonzie.
Where you going?
The assembly.
Like that?
( all chattering )
Thanks, man.
DEAN:
Settle down, people.
Settle down. Settle down.
Settle down.
Today,
we commence Cornwall Academy's
82nd year of existence.
BOY:
Boring.
In the past 10 years,
other institutions of our ilk
have chosen to liberalize
their curriculum.
While these other institutions
have grown to expect less
from their students,
we here at Cornwall
expect more.
Now, you new students
might not fully understand
exactly what
this commitment means.
So I will leave you now
while Mr. Funderburk chooses
a returning student
to rise and recite
our school fight song.
( scattered applause )
Welcome.
BOY:
Funderjerk.
( all clearing throats )
Mr. Irving Waltham.
BOY 1:
Jizz!
Would you please rise and sing
for us the school fight song?
BOY 2:
Go, Jizz!
( scattered laughter )
BOY 3 ( whispering ):
He looks like he's gonna
piss his pants.
( boys whispering )
As...
We stand tall
At old Cornwall
Our spirits tried and true
Our minds are strong
BOY 4 ( whispering ):
"Our spirits
tried and true."
Our spirits tried and true
( scattered laughter )
It seems Mr. Waltham
has forgotten the words.
No, I...
Our spirits...
Gentlemen, who here thinks
that we should extend
to Mr. Waltham
the proper motivation
so that he will never again
forget the school fight song?
IRV:
No, I know the song! Stop!
Put me down.
I know the song!
( boys cheering )
Our minds are strong
Our work days long
Our toils we ere see through
Would you stop that,
please?
Would you stop that,
please?
I'm trying to study.
Yeah, me too.
And this is the first thing
I want to learn.
I'd take another peek at it
if I was you.
I already told you.
I know that song.
I got nervous.
I do that.
I get nervous.
What are you studying
down there anyway?
Class stuff.
Classes don't start
until tomorrow, kid.
You mean
you haven't started studying?
Oh, man.
You're never gonna catch up.
( alarm buzzes )
10:30.
Lights out.
Oh, okay. Give me five more
minutes with this thing.
No, I already got
three hours tomorrow
for not knowing
that stupid song.
DUNPH:
Okay, buddy, calm down.
( tender theme playing )
DUNPH:
I've never been apart
from my brother Jackie
in my whole life, and already
I was starting to miss him.
I felt kind of bad
about the way I left things
at the bus station.
I knew I wouldn't sleep
until I talked to him.
Ow.
Sorry.
What are you doing?
I got to make a phone call.
You can't make a phone call
after 10:00.
Lights are out.
That's it, man.
( door closes )
Now you're gonna get stung.
OPERATOR:
Will you accept
a collect call from Tim?
MR. DUNPHY: Tim Dunphy?
Yes.
For crissakes,
you just left today.
I gotta talk to Jackie.
OPERATOR:
Do you accept the call?
MR. DUNPHY:
Come on. It's 11:00. You know
I got to work tomorrow.
OPERATOR:
I'm going
to disconnect you now.
Just tell Jackie
that I'll take him...
( line disconnects )
...to the game.
( boys chattering )
I told you
you'd get stung.
I hope your phone call
was worth it.
Hey, Jizz. Catch.
Ow! Unh.
Hey! Hey!
BOY:
That's gonna leave a mark.
IRV:
My glasses.
I can't...
I can't find my...
( whistles )
We got about 10 minutes till
Clusterfuck makes his rounds.
( Lee Michael's "Do You Know
What I Mean" playing )
Been 40 days
Since I don't know when
I just saw her
With my best friend
Do you know what I mean?
Dunph, Billy Fu.
He's Middle Eastern.
He's a good shit.
Got the best reefer
on campus.
Do you know what I mean?
( bubbling )
Lord, do you know
What I mean?
( inhaling )
( exhales )
( laughs )
( Dunph coughing )
BILLY:
It's a barrel of laughs,
eh, Dunph?
Do you know
Know what I mean?
All righty, class.
Who can tell me what X equals?
Okay.
Mr... Mr. Dunphy.
Mr. Dunphy?
Um...
I think
I'm in the wrong class.
In 1933,
who launched the New Deal?
Mr. Dunphy.
Mr. Dunphy?
Who launched the New Deal?
Um...
NASA?
( students laugh )
What we're gonna do here today
is I'm gonna go around the room,
and I'd like each of you
to name your favorite author.
Hemingway.
Salinger.
Faulkner.
Uh, Hamlet.
Jack London.
JACK:
So, what are you doing
on Sunday afternoon?
Summarizing the works
of William Shakespeare.
Ohh. You should have gone
with Salinger,
because he only wrote
a couple of books.
DUNPH:
Whoa, wait a second.
Goddess on a mountaintop
Burning like a silver flame
The summit
Of beauty and love
And Venus was her name
Who-- Who's--
What are you, an owl?
Forget it.
( laughs )
JACK:
Her name's Jane Weston,
hands down the coolest chick
in school.
Forget it.
I'm your fire
At your desire
Oh.
Little help, please?
Yeah.
( scoffs )
Thanks.
Thanks.
DEAN:
Mr. Dunphy,
do you have
a friend called "Drugs"?
Drugs Delaney?
How many individuals
named "Drugs"
could you possibly
associate with?
Just one.
Yesterday, we received a,
uh, a letter addressed simply
to Cornwall Academy,
Cornwall, Connecticut.
So, naturally, we, uh--
We opened it and read it.
And...
You might want to sit down.
It begins,
"Greetings, Dunph.
"What's happening?
"I got your letter today.
"Cornhole Academy
"sounds like it really
sucks the big one.
"I can't believe they make
everyone
"work a lot and not smoke.
"You should tell that
piece of shit Funderturd
"to shove it.
"You didn't want to go there
in the first place.
"Eat shit, man.
"Today, you should have
seen me and Mousy today
at school today."
We got cocked on a pint
of blackberry brandy,
ate some THC on the bus.
"We were fucked.
This teacher, Mr. Rivera,
goes..."
"What's wrong with you,
Delaney?"
I go,
"I'm totally fucked, man!"
"Everybody laughed
like a bastard."
Oh, man. You should see
this song I'm listening to.
"It's called 'Don't Bogart That
Joint, My Friend.'
"I think it's by
a group called...
( clears throat )
"This is a couple
of hours later.
Must have nodded out,
man."
I got to go 'cause I probably
definitely gonna nod out again.
You want me
to send you some...
"...squeef?
"Or you got enough?
"Good luck
not getting caught.
Cocked in Rhode Island."
Drugs.
P.S...
Oh, yes, there's a postscript
you might be interested in.
"Mousy says he stinkfingered
Bunny Cote."
As you might imagine,
Mr. Dunphy,
this is -- This is--
This is fairly incriminating.
And, uh, technically,
you have not breached any
of Cornwall Academy's rules.
But you can bet
your bottom dollar, mister,
we're gonna be keeping
an eye on you.
( Wings'
"Band on the Run" playing )
Well, the rain exploded
With a mighty crash
As we fell into the sun
And the first one said
To the second one there
"I hope you're having fun"
Band on the run
Band on the run
Psst! Jackie!
Don't worry,
the old man's in church.
Where you been? The game's gonna
start pretty soon.
Jackie, I've been thumbing
for two and a half hours.
I'd get booted out
of that place
if they knew
I was doing this.
You're giving me shit?
Sorry.
So how you doin'?
Good.
How's the old man treating
old Clapsy here?
Still won't let her
in the house.
How's he treating you?
He's good.
A little quiet.
Hmm.
You know what else?
I think he misses you.
Heh. Really?
Yeah, he talks about you
like you're dead or something.
Hmm.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
JACKIE:
So does it suck,
this school you're going to?
No, it's all right.
Really?
Actually, it sucks. The big one.
And this guy Funderburk hates me
like a bastard.
I'm like
the dumbest kid there
and I gotta take
these retard classes.
( car horn blares )
Come on.
How come
they're not stopping?
Probably because
of the wheelchair, huh?
Probably? No, Jackie,
it's definitely
because of the wheelchair.
Now quit your bitching
and let's move.
DUNPH:
I never let Jackie
feel bad for himself
because I wanted him to fit in.
Nobody wants to be around
somebody they feel sorry for,
so I treated him
like any other kid brother.
All right.
Quit your clowning.
Come on.
How you doing?
What's up?
Listen.
I got my crippled
kid brother over there,
and he's a big Namath fan.
And I was just wondering
if maybe you could get us
onto the field.
Tell you what. I can't
get you out on the field,
but I got standing room only
up on the second level.
Bring him
right through here.
Thank you so much.
You ready?
Yeah.
All right,
ham it up, okay?
Thank you.
( The Eagles'
"Take it Easy" playing )
Well, I'm a-standin' on
A corner in Winslow, Arizona
And such a fine sight
To see
It's a girl, my lord,
In a flatbed Ford
Slowin' down
To take a look at me
MR. WESTON:
Anytime today
would be good, son.
Good lad.
MRS. WESTON:
Jack, will you be nice?
I gotta know
If your sweet love
JANE:
I liked the school.
I just don't know
if it's right for me.
The whole way it was presented,
you know?
Well, my vote says you can't
go wrong with Dartmouth.
Who says I can even
get in to Dartmouth?
You get your boards up a little,
you'll get in.
What about you?
Tim.
Where are you going
next year?
I'm thinking,
like, college.
Any particular college?
Yeah, probably.
( chuckles )
DUNPH:
I'll be right back.
MR. WESTON:
Fill it up.
Well, I'm a-runnin'
Down the road
Trying to loosen my load
Got a world of trouble
On my mind
Lookin' for a lover
I got an extra one just in case
you wanted one.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah.
Mmm.
What is this?
( parents speaking
indistinctly )
Don't let the sound
Of your own wheels
Make you crazy
Come on, baby
Don't say maybe
I got to know
If your sweet love
Is gonna save me
MRS. WESTON:
Here we are.
JANE:
Thanks for the Coke.
Good luck.
DUNPH: Appreciate the ride.
MR. WESTON: No trouble at all.
Nice to meet you, Jane.
You too.
Oh, we got it easy
Billy Fu?
What are you doing up here?
Isn't this Home Ec
with Perkins?
Yeah.
I'm in this class.
I heard we were making
chocolate-chip cookies today.
But, uh,
I'm going
to make brownies.
Well, where you been, huh?
Term's half over.
I've been taking it easy,
you know?
You see, my father,
he donate $5 million to school,
and, of course, they don't see
one Yankee dime
until I graduate.
( chuckles )
My father's a very sharp
cookie, eh, Dunph?
Very sharp.
My mother thought
you were so funny.
She did?
He said he wants to go
to college in Arizona
because it's on the water.
( all laugh )
My father thought
he was dead serious.
Oh, you got them
pretty good.
Oh, yeah,
they were cracking up
all the way
to the girls' school.
Anyway, I got to get going.
See you around, Wheeler.
Bye, Jim.
Bye, Jane.
I don't get it.
You tell me how Arizona
is not on the water.
Dunph, that gray border
down there,
that's not water.
That's Mexico.
Still?
Well, what the fuck was
the Alamo for?
Look, Dunph,
I went through
the same kind of thing
a couple
of summers ago.
There was this girl
at camp I liked.
At first,
she was really nice to me,
then suddenly, she wouldn't even
give me the time of day.
This is her.
DUNPH:
Wow.
S-S-She's--
She's something, Irv.
Unfortunately,
she knows it.
( upbeat rock theme playing )
Hey.
Hey.
Do you always do that?
What?
Uh, wash your pillow.
Yeah, sometimes.
When I'm in the mood.
Toms Brook, Virginia.
Wow.
That sounds like
a pretty cool place to be from.
Yeah, it is.
It must be beautiful.
Oh, yeah.
So, what do people do around
here for fun? On the weekend?
There's not much to do.
You can go up in the woods
and get high.
That's about it.
( Steely Dan's "Do it Again"
playing )
( Jane laughs )
So tell me about Pawtucket,
Jim.
What do you want to know,
Betty?
Betty?
Tim.
Oh! Heh. I'm sorry.
( laughs )
Heh. Wow.
This is good weed.
Yeah, it's homegrown.
A friend of mine,
in Pawtucket,
every day he soaks
the weed in bug spray
so when you smoking it,
you're also getting insecticide,
which is a pretty good buzz
on its own.
Have you smoked
insecticide on its own?
Yeah, right?
What am I, stupid?
I'm gonna smoke
a deadly poison?
( both laughing )
( Badfinger's "No Matter What"
playing )
No matter what you are
Dunph!
One, two...
Doesn't matter what you do
Three!
That was very straight.
Good job.
No matter what you do
I will always be around
Won't you tell me
What you found now
"At your pardon,
I will myself..."
( whistling )
DUNPH:
Hey.
Dunph.
Be a part of it all
Aah!
Nothing to see
Nothing would be
No matter where you go
( imitating explosions )
What's this?
Read it.
Brown University?
They got one of these
in Providence, you know.
There's only one, Dunph.
Just read it.
"After reviewing
your application for admission,
I am pleased
to inform you that you..."
( laughs )
"...have been accepted
to the graduating class
of 1979
at Brown University."
Yes.
"Sincerely,
Jonathan S. Rogers Jr."
So am I gonna
like Providence, Dunph?
( laughs )
Yeah,
we're gonna love it.
"We're gonna love it"?
Yeah.
Okay.
( sighs )
This is--
This is great.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
FUNDERBURK:
Mr. Dunphy.
A word.
Congratulations,
Mr. Dunphy.
You've broken another record
here at Cornwall.
You've got more hours
to work off
than you've got time left
in the semester.
BOY 1:
I can't be late
to practice.
BOY 2:
Yo, wait up.
Okay, ladies, on our feet.
Chop, chop.
Jenkins and Martin,
four more hours each.
How about that?
What, is something funny,
gentlemen?
Let's make it five,
all right? Five hours each.
I do love the fall.
It gives us so much work to do,
doesn't it?
Five hours. Jenkins.
( door closes )
( Electric Light Orchestra's
"Showdown" playing )
She cried
To the southern wind
About a love
That was sure to end
Thanks very much,
gentlemen.
Always nice
doing business with you.
Headin' for a showdown
Fire!
Fire in Funderburk's room!
Someone call
the fire department!
Looks like we're ridin'
On the same train
Looks as though
There'll be more pain
Ow! Ow! God!
There's gonna be a showdown
Fire! Fire!
( alarm ringing )
Look at my hand.
Explain how I burnt my hand.
It was hot, Bill.
I'm telling you it was hot.
Well, I--
What was I supposed to do?
MAN ( on radio ):
Roger. That's a false alarm
at Cornwall...
This was not
a false alarm.
She came to me like a friend
She blew in
On a southern wind
Now my heart is turned
To stone again
There's gonna be a showdown
( alarm rings )
IRV:
Good night.
DUNPH:
You should call her, Irv.
IRV:
What do you mean?
DUNPH:
I mean you should go see
her over the holidays.
Maybe she's changed.
Maybe she's nice again.
She hasn't changed.
There was this kid whose cousin
went to Cornwall.
He told her.
You know?
That they call me Jizz.
So? Big whoop.
A friend of mine from Pawtucket,
they call him Dingleberry.
This guy gets more beaver
than the Hoover Dam.
You know, when I first
came here, I did all right.
I almost ran for class treasurer
my freshman year.
Then they asked me
to join a secret club.
Only five freshmen they asked,
and I was one of them.
( thunder rumbles )
BOY 1:
This year, you five are honored
to be the chosen ones.
This brotherhood was formed
to protect one another,
to aid each other
both academically and socially,
to shield each other from
embarrassment and humiliation.
Are you willing to come with us
into the sacred fold?
ALL:
Yes.
Therefore,
to bind ourselves together,
we must bear witness
to one another's humiliation.
When I blow out
this candle,
we'll all drop trou
and commence to jack off
till each of us hath come.
This should serve as the glue
that binds us together
as right-hand men
from this day forward,
November 13th
in the year of our Lord 1971.
BOY 1:
We shall now begin.
( rustling, zipper clicks )
( boys moaning )
( boys laugh )
( cheers and applause )
( door slams )
ALL ( chanting ):
Jizz! Jizz! Jizz! Jizz!
DUNPH:
You got tricked.
Who gives a fuck?
You flogged the dolphin, that
ain't a federal offense.
Around here it is.
Bullshit!
You know that 99 percent
of all teenage guys beat off?
Really?
Yeah, 99 percent.
And something like
4 percent of most girls too.
Everyone on this hall beats off.
Like you mean,
even you, Dunph?
Well, no, I don't.
Not personally, I don't, but...
( sighs )
I mean, if you read the
research, it's very common.
( soft theme playing )
DUNPH:
We didn't have
a White Christmas that year,
but it was good
to be home anyway.
Even my old man and his friends
seemed to be in better spirits
around the holidays.
Unless you're gonna pay
for him,
shut the fuck up
and let him play his own cards.
Just wake up,
will you, please?
It's like playing with
fucking Gomer Pyle over here.
He's queer, you know.
Who's queer?
The Gomer Pyle guy,
Jim Nabors.
Him and that Rock Hudson,
they're queers together.
Did you go to school
on the short bus?
Rock Hudson is not queer.
Is too,
him and that Nabors.
He could be.
He's a good singer, that Nabors.
( chuckles )
Hey, hey, hey.
What, you don't tell your
old man what's going on no more?
What are you two
knuckleheads doing?
Going out.
And what are you
gonna do?
Hang around.
And when are you
coming back?
Later.
There.
Was that so hard?
Heh. I like to give it to 'em.
Bastards.
Isn't he dead,
that Gomer Pyle?
I don't think so.
Are you sure?
Hoss Cartwright's dead.
Will you shut
the fuck up?
Hoss Cartwright's dead?
We get it on
Most every night
When that moon gets big
And bright
So, Dunph, you getting any
up there?
Well, there's this one girl.
She's pretty cool.
How's her helmet?
Incredible.
Prettiest girl
in the school.
Her toilet?
Perfect.
Big fun bags?
Nah, but nice ones.
Are you porking her?
No.
I don't even care
if I bang her.
It don't matter.
I like her.
Come on, what do you mean
it don't matter?
I mean...
No, I'm just saying,
You can treat her
like a guy.
What, you mean, she don't freak
out if you bust her balls?
No, not at all.
She's a good chick.
Huh. She sounds like
a cool mule.
You know,
a real classy broad.
Classy broad?
You wouldn't know
a classy broad
if she took a dump
on your head.
( all laugh )
Ah, I don't know.
I mean, it just don't figure,
you know?
Guy like Rock Hudson
he could have any broad
in the world he wanted.
Well you know what that is?
It's a sickness.
It's a mental disturbance
caused by his mother.
It's a sin is what it is,
period.
Who gives a shit?
So he's gay. Big deal.
Big deal? What's that mean,
"big deal"?
Why do you give a fuck anyway?
Doesn't affect you.
I mean, I could see
if Raquel Welch was lezzie.
But what do you
give a shit about him?
I just do.
Why, you don't?
No, I don't.
Hey, well,
if that don't bother you,
maybe you're a femme too.
All right, already.
Somebody pick a card.
Wait a second.
I gotta hear this now.
I mean, we're laying our cards
on the thing here, right?
Joey, do you or don't you
take it in the jaw?
( laughs )
Shut the fuck up
for fuck's sake!
What? Wait a second!
Guy's never been married.
You ever seen him with a broad?
What if I was?
Would that change something?
You afraid I'd come on to you
all of a sudden,
start playing
grab-ass with you?
Just answer the question, okay?
Are you now,
or have you ever been,
a gay?
Yeah. Okay, yeah.
( Mr. Dunphy laughs )
He's fucking busting our balls.
He means he's gay like,
different.
Right?
CAVWICH?
Is that it?
I mean, "gay" is that
what you mean?
"Gay," like different?
Or "gay" like:
Oh, I can't help you out there
at all.
You're on your own.
Get the fuck out of here!
( all shout )
( door closes )
Anyone else got
any confessions?
( upbeat music playing )
She moves pretty well
for a big woman.
Not in the fucking house
with those things.
How many times
do I got to tell you?
( grunts )
That's what you get.
Thanks for the album,
Pop.
I've been wanting this.
That there's
a double album,
and it's from me
and Jackie too.
Or Jackie and me,
whatever.
You're the student.
Which is it?
Either one,
so long as you're referring
to an object.
Thanks, Jackie.
God, she dropped
the thing there.
You see that?
DUNPH:
It was hard to think about
my mother at Christmastime.
But it was even harder
not to think about her.
( The Beach Boys'
"Little Saint Nick" playing )
Well, way up north
Where the air gets cold
There's a tale about
Christmas
That you've all been told
And a real famous cat
All dressed up in red
And he spends the whole year
Working out on his sled
It's the little Saint Nick
It's the little Saint Nick
Just a little bobsled
We call it old Saint Nick
But she'll walk a toboggan
With a four-speed stick
She's candy-apple red
With a ski for a wheel
And when Santa gives her gas,
Man, just watch her peel
It's the little Saint Nick
It's the little Saint Nick
Having fun, Dildo?
Yeah. Ah.
I can't do this tie thing.
I feel like a retard
at school
wearing a clip-on. Everyone
else, they wear real ties.
I look like a--
Look like a bozo.
Relax.
Just relax for a second.
Here.
Let me see this here.
Necktie.
Got the wide side,
you got the skinny side.
Wide, left.
Skinny, right.
Now, count down
from the collar.
One, two,
three, four.
Skinny side,
you draw it down
just below that fourth button,
all right?
Now, take the wide side.
You come over once,
then under.
Come over twice.
You paying
attention here?
Yeah. Ahem.
All right. You throw it over,
then you come through here.
That hole, right?
The worm comes
through the hole,
then right down
into that little fold you made
right there like that.
You see that?
You're always keeping it tight,
all right?
How old was she then?
She was young.
I-- I don't remember.
Now pay attention here.
Yeah.
Keeping it tight,
nice and tight.
Now,
when you're done,
if you've done
your job properly,
you're gonna have this V
right here like that.
They call that the vicious V.
The broads really love that.
All right?
All right.
There you are. It's easy.
You give it a shot.
All right.
( Free's
"All Right Now" playing )
Jizz!
Would you relax, man?
Worse than my 80-year-old grand
crack.
You're gonna jinx us all.
Wheeler.
Don't call him Jizz.
I gotta bolt.
You guys be cool.
JANE:
I got you a Christmas present.
Springsteen. Asbury Park.
You know, my friend
saw him live in a bar once.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
And this is great.
Thanks a lot.
Sure.
( sighs )
Oh.
Here.
( laughs )
Dunph, it's beautiful.
Double roach clips.
Cool.
Yeah, I got it
at the dentist.
All right now
Baby, it's all right now
DRUGS:
Greetings, Dunphy.
Did you know that if you
stretched out your intestines,
they'd reach the moon?
It's a fact.
It's exactly 10,000 miles from
your mouth to your asshole.
I guess that's why
shit looks so bad, right?
Only seven more months
to California, don't forget.
Oh, yeah,
don't worry about Jackie
and the paper route, all right,
because everything's good.
Oh, shit! Whoa!
Aah, Jesus!
Whoa!
( crash )
( laughing )
You all right, Jack?
JACKIE:
Yeah, I'm all right.
Oh, shit.
All right now
Baby, it's all right now
What's up?
Your room got raided.
Fundy got them all.
Wheeler, Irving, Billy Fu,
all of them.
Oh, shit!
DUNPH:
Hey, Irv,
Brackett told me what happened.
I can't believe it.
How'd you make out?
Not bad.
Twelve hours plus probation.
My parents are probably getting
a divorce over it.
Could've been worse.
What about the other guys?
Same.
( whistle blows )
MAN:
Hey, Dunphy, let's go!
This sucks, Irv.
Really sucks.
What are you doing?
Studying.
In case you hadn't noticed,
Funderburk is on the war path.
Besides,
you have a test tomorrow.
So?
So you need to study.
So put that away.
No, this will help us
concentrate.
No, I'm serious.
I always do better at the
studying thing when I'm stoned.
It does something
to the brain cells, really.
I'm-- I'm not joking around
here. It like, it makes--
Dunph, you haven't had better
than a D since you've been here.
And that's because
there's no good weed around.
It's terrible.
I don't understand you.
You're already
into this Brown University.
Why don't you just try and relax
and enjoy yourself?
Because it's not
about getting in.
It's about doing well.
You know, I busted my butt
for four years
to get into that place.
And it's not just so I could
say, "I go to Brown."
It's because I want to learn.
I want--
I want to challenge myself.
I like that.
All right.
All right, you win, but if we're
gonna do all this studying,
we got to have, like,
one final, like, thing,
like, big blowout.
And it's got to be
in Pawtucket.
( Steppenwolf's
"Magic Carpet Ride" plays )
I like to dream
Yes, yes, right between
My sound machine
( coughing )
This stuff's kind of harsh,
right?
I'm all right.
Here. Take one of these.
What is it?
Vitamin Q.
Relaxes your throat.
Close your eyes, girl
Look inside, girl
( music continues in distance )
So, how come you never talk
about your mother?
I don't know.
I guess
'cause she's dead.
Oh! Dunph--
( scoffs )
Don't worry about it.
I was little.
You know, Jackie doesn't even
remember her.
But you do?
Well, you know,
bits and pieces.
You know,
I remember the day she died,
she cooked this big
turkey dinner,
you know, with stuffing
and mashed potatoes
and cranberry sauce.
( chuckles )
You know,
it wasn't even Thanksgiving.
Was she sick?
Yeah.
You know, just sick of...
of everything.
I miss Alabama once again,
And I think it's a sin, yes
I don't get it.
It don't make sense.
See, there's this guy,
and he's looking back
on his life.
Right.
And he sees these two sets
of footprints in the sand.
Sort of like he had been walking
all along with God.
But then the guy looks,
and he notices
that during the tough times,
there's only one set
of prints.
So, the guy says to God,
"why did you desert me
when I needed you most?"
and God says,
"no, dummy,
"when you saw
only one set of prints,
that was
when I was carrying you."
Ohh, fucking God, man.
He's all right,
you know?
( chuckles )
( music plays in distance )
( guitar solo )
Irving, move.
I got next game.
Okay, fine,
you got next game.
No, I called next game
the last game.
It's my turn.
Kid, just move,
you're shit-faced.
( chuckles )
I'm shit-faced?!
Hey, pud, you better move
your ass fast
'cause I'm about to throw
this fuckin' dart.
Ohh, is that right?
You're gonna throw
the fuckin' dart!
Dunph?
Dunph, take it out.
Take it out!
Take it out!
What the hell happened?
I had next game.
So you got any girlfriends,
Jackie?
Oh, yeah. I'm going out with
a couple of Playboy bunnies.
You're a good-looking guy. Why
couldn't you have a girlfriend?
I don't know.
I guess I could.
But I'm just sort of playing
the field right now.
Ew.
Irv, what the fuck?
Funkadelic.
( groans )
You just yorked on me.
He did?
Your friends from Pawtucket
seemed really nice.
Yeah.
Yeah, they're good guys.
Now, remember, Dunph,
we had a deal.
You have to hold up your end
of the bargain.
I know. I know.
Down around the corner
Half a mile from here
See them long trains run
And you watch 'em disappear
Without love
Where would you be now?
Without lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve?
You know I saw Miss Lucy
Down along the tracks
Yeah, I could hardly believe it
myself, Mr. Dunphy.
Looks like somebody's gonna have
a good spring break.
Where would you be
Right now
Without lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve?
( laughter )
( shrieking )
Without love
Where would you be now?
Without lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve?
( shrieking )
Don't! Dunphy!
Aah!
( sea gull cries )
Without lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve
( both laugh )
DUNPH:
After six glorious days
in the sun,
we ran out of Jane's money.
So, I dropped her off
in Virginia
and thumbed it back
to Pawtucket.
I couldn't wait
to tell the guys.
Well, if it ain't
beach-blanket bingo.
What are you doin' here?
I ran into that knucklehead,
Tommy the Wire.
He told me you were gonna
be here. You're late.
Shorty,
two more of these.
( billiard balls clack )
So, what's the story?
I went to Florida.
I know you went to Florida.
Everyone wants to go to Florida.
You should've told me.
I didn't think
you'd let me go.
Fuckin' A right,
I wouldn't have let you go.
( grunts )
Is this your first martini?
Yeah...today.
( chuckles )
All right.
I'm gonna put the cards
on the table.
You always come first
with me.
Anything I ever done was for you
and your brother.
You remember that.
All right.
We're puttin' our cards
on the table here...
how come you never told me
about Mom?
You always think
I'm out to screw you.
No, Pop.
I never said that.
Yeah, but you think it.
And you think it's my fault
your blessed mother
shot herself.
God knows I tried
to help her.
She was a young girl
when we got married,
not much older
than you are now.
What are you, 18, 19?
Seventeen.
Seventeen.
That's a great age to be.
You never seen
such a beauty.
Not like these broads
you guys run with now
with all the shit
on their face.
Your mother.
Oh, boy.
All the time
she got depressed, though,
no matter how happy
she really was.
Then you come along,
this wriggly, little thing
I couldn't even recognize.
I bawled my eyes out
the night you were born.
Thought everything
would be good.
You want another one?
I'll have a beer.
Shorty, one more for me
and a beer for Dildo.
Do me a favor.
Don't call me Dildo in public.
It's a joke.
What's the matter? You think
I don't love you no more?
Come over here
and give me a hug.
Pop...
What, you're afraid
to hug your old man?
No, it's bullshit.
What?
I said it's bullshit!
You watch
your fuckin' mouth.
Then stop lyin' to me.
I know you were divorcing Mom
when she shot herself.
You don't know nothin'!
( siren wails in distance )
Hey...
hey!
Your mother loved you
and Jackie.
That's all you got to know.
( voice breaking )
Life isn't
a fuckin' fairy tale, buddy,
I got news for you.
It isn't easy being Ozzie
when you ain't got a Harriet.
And I loved your mother.
But I couldn't live with her
after a while.
She made me nuts, okay?
Is that what you want to hear?
It was stupid to get married.
We weren't made for each other.
But I loved her
at first sight.
And I was an idiot
about it.
I wanted her to be something
that she couldn't be.
The woman--
The woman was mentally ill.
She was afraid of life.
She wouldn't even
leave the house.
For God's sake, she never even
learned how to drive a car.
It made me crazy.
Almost seven years
together,
you know how many times
we went out?
Once, one time. That's it.
And I guess
you'll never forgive me
till it happens
to you, huh?
Timothy...
well, I hope
you never forgive me.
( engine turns over )
( sighs )
( crickets chirping )
( birds singing )
You gonna eat
that whole thing?
I'm just pickin'.
You know that was full
this morning.
Good stuff.
Supposed to have all-natural
preservatives or some shit.
Hmm?
You should try
this other kind they got.
Heavenly Hash.
Ho ho, marron.
You can't even find it.
I got to bribe the kid down
at Norm's to hide some for me.
I'm, uh...
I'm taking off, Pop.
That little girl
you're running with?
Yeah, what about her?
You putting the wood to her?
What?
You think
I don't know what goes on?
Let me tell you something.
It's just as much
the guy's responsibility
as it is the girl's.
Don't go getting your little
friend there in trouble.
I know.
One more thing.
Makin' sex is
like chinese dinner.
it ain't over until you both
get your cookies, so...
remember I said that.
All right.
How 'bout a ride, huh?
Take care, Pop.
Yeah. Be good.
Bottoms up, Tonto.
There you go.
There's the six and the two.
If they don't land on the same
side of the board,
you roll again.
Oh, no. You move six
and then you move two.
That is the rule.
It's bullshit.
Shh, Jesus Christ, they're gonna
hear up at the girls' school.
Jizz, shut up.
Don't call me that.
What, Jizz?
It's your fucking name.
Hey, come on, come on.
Roll again.
What's my name?
It's Irving...
Jizz.
Are you fucking crazy?
( all laughing )
All right, Irv.
Fuck you too, Wheeler.
All right, all right, all right.
All right, fellas.
I'm gonna make a phone call.
You want some?
Come on, you crazy American,
you're making everything wet.
JANE:
Dunph! Dunph!
Hey! There you are!
Yeah,
where have you been?
I've been at the fort
for over an hour.
I'm sorry.
I got caught up
with these guys, you know?
( chuckles )
So, come on.
Let's go.
Why don't you
come up here?
Yeah, right.
Just get your butt down here.
Come on, Jane Weston.
We'll just have a drink,
and then get out of here.
( sighs )
( Irving laughs )
There you go.
Doo doo doo
Doo doo doo-doo
Run, run, run
Doo doo doo-doo
Run, run, run
You better ride on, baby
You were born outside
Of the--
( music stops )
I think you're in the wrong
building, young lady.
Out...now.
( chuckles )
It would appear we have
a major situation,
wouldn't you say, gentlemen?
Uh...
Billy, I was just comin' by to
see if you guys were studying.
Well, I would advise you
to study somewhere else,
Mr. Wheeler.
Yes, sir.
Well,
you've left me no choice.
If I don't turn you in,
I'd be doing you a disservice.
At some point later in life,
you'll be faced
with a similar situation.
And next time, hopefully,
you'll make the right decision.
See, there are
no second chances in life.
That's what you're learning
here today.
You control your own destiny.
You're the one
who made the bed.
You're the one
who's got to sleep in it.
You're the one
who made the boneheaded--
Oh, will you shut
the fuck up?
I beg your pardon?
You heard me.
Ah, you've done it now,
mister.
Well, you were already gonna
boot us.
What are you gonna do now?
Eat us?
Okay, Dunphy,
let's go.
Dunph, cool off, man.
Dunph...
Take it easy, Dunph.
Who do you think you are,
you insubordinate little twit?
Listen, Fundy,
save the stuff.
I know
you can't boot us.
Oh? Please.
Illuminate me.
I know about Billy Fu.
I know that his father
has committed $5 million
to this school,
all of which will be received
after Billy Fu graduates.
Now, you probably figure
you'll let him slide
and rat the rest
of us out.
But if you do that,
I'll rat him out.
I won't be blackmailed,
Mr. Dunphy.
Fine.
Then we'll take a walk
down to Dean Mort's right now.
You tell your side of the story,
I'll tell mine.
Fair enough.
I'll just show him
the grass.
Then he can
call the cops.
It's not like you were
5 miles up in the woods.
You idiots were doing it
right here under my nose.
Now...
somebody's gonna
pay the price.
Okay, fine.
There's only one person you want
to screw here anyway, right?
The rest of 'em get hours.
Thank you.
Dunph...
I got nothin'.
That's--
That's what we got.
I mean, you know,
probation and a bunch of hours.
Oh, man, we all walk.
( sighs )
Oh, good Christ.
Jane, I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'll go to the D.C.
I'll tell him the truth,
that you weren't even--
Dunph,
I was caught red-handed
in the boys' dormitory
with booze and pot.
It's over.
I feel so bad, you know.
They spent so much money,
and now I can't get in anywhere.
Forget Brown University.
Of course you will.
You got the grades.
Even if you got to start
at, like, a junior college.
( scoffs )
You don't get it, Dunph.
I'm sorry.
( Mr. Weston clears throat )
Jane...
I got to go.
It's not all your fault.
I didn't have to listen to you.
Goodbye.
Janie...
( engine turns over )
( vehicle departs )
Ahhhhh
Ain't nothin' I can say
Nothin' I can do
I feel so bad
Yeah
I feel so blue
Hmm
( laughs )
I got to make it right
For everyone concerned
( shrieks )
Even if it's me
If it means it's me
What's gettin' burned
( sea gull cries )
'Cause I could never
Make you unhappy
No, I couldn't do that,
Girl
Mr. Dunphy?
Mr. Dunphy!
DUNPH:
Yeah?
Hey!
Last night,
there was a car accident,
and your-- Your friend
Drugs Delaney...
I'm very sorry.
Oh, man.
( Lynyrd Skynyrd's
"Free Bird" plays )
If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still
Remember me?
For I must be traveling
On now
'Cause there's too many
Places I've got to see
I want to say something
about Drugs.
Drugs was a good shit.
Wire,
you got anything to say?
That fucking guy
could party, man.
When everybody took one,
he took two.
Nobody could take
that away from him.
Decenz,
you've got anything to say?
Nah.
Tommy said it all.
What the fuck?
...bird you cannot change
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, whoa, oh
And the bird
You cannot change
I wanted to be alone,
but being alone made me think
about Drugsie--
Crazy bastard.
I wondered, if there was
a heaven and hell,
which one he'd go to.
Eh, I hate to even say it,
but I couldn't see drugs
up there with all those saints.
Who knows?
Maybe he'll get lucky.
Maybe after you die,
there's just nothin'.
Huh.
Will you throw
your fucking card?
Oh, it's my turn again?
Yeah, it's a rotation thing,
Einstein. Come on.
You're holding trump
again, you cockfucker.
So now it's my fault?
( laughter )
Before going
back to Cornwall,
there was something I knew
I had to take care of.
( telephone rings )
WOMAN:
Brown University.
Dean Rogers' office.
Could I ask you to hold just one
moment, please, sir? Thank you.
May I help you?
I need to speak
to Mr. Jonathan S. Rogers Jr.
Do you have
an appointment?
No, but...
you don't understand.
I really need to talk to him.
You really need
to have an appointment.
But I don't have one.
Would you like
to make one?
Please?
This is very important.
It could mean the difference
between this girl's whole life.
Dean Rogers' schedule
is entirely filled today.
You need an appointment
to see him.
I'm sorry.
Thank you
for holding, sir.
What day did you want
to come in?
The 18th should be fine.
( classical music plays )
I know I don't have
an appointment,
but you have
to give me a chance.
It's like life or death.
Jane Weston...
the whole thing,
it wasn't her fault.
I'm the one.
It's-- It's all me.
It's not fair.
You have to believe me.
I have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about.
Cornwall Academy.
Mr. Funderburk.
Please, sir,
just let me in,
and I'll--
I'll explain everything.
Please?
One minute.
Come on in.
( classical music continues )
It was all just
this big mistake, and...
Good Lord.
...and this Jane Weston,
she's, like, the smartest girl
in the whole school.
You can't--
( panting )
Sir, I know
you're busy and everything
'cause the lady
out there told me,
but I really
appreciate this.
Yes, I actually meant come in
through the door.
You'd better take a seat.
Yes, Mr. Dunphy,
Jane Weston was accepted,
but due to the facts
in Mr. Funderburk's letter,
we reversed our decision.
Those weren't the facts.
I know I'm probably not gonna
say this right,
but the whole college thing,
to me--
I mean, I'm probably not even
gonna go to college.
But this girl's whole life
is gonna be ruined.
Getting into
this Brown University thing,
it means, like,
everything to her.
I can see you're concerned about
this young lady's future.
That's very commendable.
But don't you think that people
should take responsibility
for their actions?
Yes, sir, they should.
And that's why I'm here.
They were my actions.
It was my fault.
Someone else is getting blamed
for something I did,
and it's just not right.
That's very noble,
Mr. Dunphy.
But chivalry's a tough sell
to the review board.
( sighs )
Dean Rogers...
is there one time
in your life
when you made a mistake and you
wish you could take it back,
'cause if you could,
it would change everything?
Has that ever happened
to you?
And if it has,
maybe you could get
the review board to review that.
( indistinct conversations )
This is it, boys.
It's almost over.
BOY:
Hey, Irving.
( cheering, whistling )
Mental floss.
BOY:
You need help, man.
So, Fu, you got into Princeton.
What a surprise.
Crane and Keller
got into Ithaca.
No way.
Did you heard about Wheeler?
He got into Yale.
Yale?
How the hell did
he get in there?
Same way anyone does.
Get a great recommendation
from Funderburk.
Fundy's a big Yalie.
He's got an in
with the admissions board.
What about Calvert?
Did he get in anywhere?
Florida.
University of Miami.
Ouch.
DUNPH:
I heard you got into Yale.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's pretty unbelievable,
huh?
Yeah, I guess.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey,
what the fuck are you doing?
What the fuck is that?
Lowlife piece of shit.
Whoa.
D-man...
w-where's this coming from?
You got Jane booted.
What are you
talking about?
You ratted us out so Fundy would
give you a recommendation.
That's bull. He gave a lot
of guys good recommendations.
He busted you
winter term.
In my room,
he busted you.
Why would he give you
a good one?
He gave it to me
before he busted me.
He would have
canceled it--
Called Yale and told them
what a stoner you were.
Maybe he forgot.
Don't, Dunph.
You little punk.
You fucked us all, man.
Fuck, man,
this is totally uncool.
You don't have
any fucking proof.
Oh, proof?
( laughs )
Proof ain't gonna matter
when your head's cracked open
on the sidewalk down there.
Dunphy.
Dunphy, take it easy.
Take it easy, man.
Dunph.
Unh!
( breathing heavily )
What's the point?
Your life?
It's gonna suck anyway.
( Jane whistles )
( whistles )
Dunph!
( whistles )
Huh.
Hey.
Hey.
How'd you get here?
I took my parents' car.
They let you?
Come on down.
Don't move.
Hi.
Hi.
( exhales sharply )
J-Jane, I...
I-I'm so sorry
about everything.
You--
You got back in.
I brought you a present.
Hm?
No.
What? What's the matter?
Nothing.
It's just...
I want to remember this moment.
I-- I don't want it to be hazy
'cause of this.
I want to savor it.
You know, let it really sink in.
So it'll always be there.
Okay, I got it.
You can torch it now.
We stayed there all night
and it was really beautiful.
We made plans to see each other
over the summer.
Around dawn Jane nodded off,
but I couldn't sleep.
I was afraid that if I did,
I'd never feel that good again.
DEAN:
Paul Patrick Baker.
Patrick Michael Carey.
Christian Robert Catt.
Gavin Patrick Curren.
Congratulations.
Steven Edward Delaney.
Congratulations.
Timothy Michael Dunphy.
Rocky Wayne Fuller.
Jonathan Beecher Glad...
Hey, can you hand me
my luggage?
Peter Edward McNaught...
Bryan Stewart.
( "Pomp and Circumstance"
plays in distance )
( car horn honks )
Hey, Dunph.
( car horn honks )
DUNPH:
Hey.
What are you guys
doing here?
What the hell you think
we're doing here?
You're graduating
from high school, ain't ya?
Well, yeah, yeah, I guess.
I-it's just no big deal.
What "no big deal"?
I suppose
you're gonna tell me
that this is
no big deal, too, huh?
What's this?
You got in.
W-what do you mean?
( chuckles )
Don't play dumb with me.
Rhode Island Junior College.
You got accepted.
Oh, yeah, uh...
Well, actually...
there is no "accepted."
You just have to
sign up, Pop.
Well,
you filled out the forms.
You showed
a little initiation there.
You're gonna be the first Dunphy
to go to college.
I'm proud of you.
Shake my hand
like a man there.
What are you, a fucking
flounder? There you go.
Y-you know, Pop,
maybe...
if I do real good here,
I could get into, like,
a senior college.
What's that?
Well, you know, like--
Well, like a regular college,
where people sleep over
and shit.
Oh.
Dunph,
if you had done good here,
you could have gotten
into a regular college.
Shut up, you little hard-on.
You're just jealous
because you're not gonna be
the first Dunphy
to go to college.
No, but I can still be
the first to graduate.
( laughs )
You little ball buster.
All right, you two ass-bags,
let's get the hell out of here.
Shorty's got a pitcher
of beers waiting for us.
So, Dildo, what ever happened
to that girlfriend of yours?
She's going to Brown University
next year.
Brown? They got one of those
in Providence, you know.
There's only one, Pop.
( laughing )
You hot shit.
How do you think she's gonna
like riding around Providence
in this shit box?
JACKIE:
She's gonna be Mrs. Dildo.
BOTH:
Shut up, you little hard-on.
( Badfinger's
"No Matter What" plays )
No matter what you are
I will always be with you
Doesn't matter what you do,
Girl
Ooh, girl, with you
No matter what you do
I will always be around
Won't you tell me
What you found, girl?
Ooh, girl, won't you?
Knock down
The old grey wall
Be a part of it all
Nothing to say
Nothing to see
Nothing to do
If you would give me all
As I would give it to you
Nothing would be
Nothing would be
Nothing would be
No matter where you go
There will always be
A place
Can't you see it
In my face, girl
Ooh, girl, won't you?
Knock down
The old grey wall
Be a part of it all
Nothing to say
Nothing to see
Nothing to do
If you would give me all
As I would give it to you
Nothing would be
Nothing would be
Nothing would be
No matter what you are
I will always be with you
Doesn't matter what you do,
Girl
Ooh, girl, with you
Ooh, girl, you girl,
Want you
Ooh, girl, you girl,
Want you