Porch Pirates (2024) Movie Script

1
(bright energetic music)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Get up on your feet
This is a shake down
- [DJ] Good morning, east Texas.
We are getting ready for
another Christmas season
and this year you might
be noticing a lot more
of Santa's little helpers
driving around in delivery vans.
Be sure and check your
front porch for those packages
because they're not coming
down the chimney this year.
The way you like it
Ooh ooh
Ooh
Ooh ooh
Just the way you like it
Ooh ooh
Ooh
So good so fresh
You're the new MC
You got the remix
Keep it on repeat
just let the beat kick
Everywhere you go
you bring the roof down
Everybody knows you got your own sound
So good so fresh
Just the way you like it
Ooh ooh
Ooh
Ooh ooh
Just the way you like it
Ooh ooh
Ooh
So good so fresh
The way you like it
The way you like it oh
The way you like it
The way you like it now
The way you like it
The way you like it oh
So good so fresh
Get up on your feet
Yeah
Yeah
Yeah
Show me you got soul
Ooh ooh
Ooh
(trash bag contents clattering)
Just the way you like it
Ooh ooh
Ooh
So new so fresh
Ooh ooh
Ooh
- Yeow, vroom. Watch out, boomer.
- Hey, nice big scooter.
Ooh ooh
(urine dripping)
- Excuse me. Hi.
You Fast Eddie?
- That depends, (fly zipping)
you Antonio?
- Yeah.
- Well, you're late. Not fashionably.
Fast Eddie doesn't approve.
- Yeah. Sorry about that.
But I'm here now. So let's do this.
- Ah, ah, ah, you didn't
say the magic word.
- Please?
- No. Money.
Say that.
- Not until you show me the goods first.
- Doesn't work that way, friend.
- Make an exception, huh?
(electricity zapping)
- Oh, what the hey. I like you.
And I can tell that you are a man who likes
to play with fire, and that's good,
because that's exactly what I've got.
Hot toys, limited
edition, pristine condition.
Step into my office.
- All right.
(tense ominous music)
(car trunk creaking)
Nice.
- So what do you think?
- It's just what I was looking for.
All right, friend, I showed
you mine. Now it's your turn.
Hey.
- Uh...
All right. How much you want?
- How much you got?
(tense ominous music continues)
- What'll this get me?
- A trip to the flea market. We're done.
- Now, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Oh, man. God.
(cash rustling)
- I knew there was more
to you than meets the eye.
All right, what's your poison?
- Let me get that big robot right there.
- All right.
- The baby.
- Eh? You got a lot of kids at home, huh?
- Well, I got a lot of nieces and nephews.
I'm, (laughs) I'm like Santa Claus.
(sirens wailing)
- Oh, snowballs. We got company.
(engine revving)
Be cool. I got this.
- Fellas having some car trouble?
- Uh, yeah, but we got
it all in control, Officer.
Thank you.
(tense ominous music continues)
- How about you guys show me some IDs?
- Whatever you say, partner.
- Partner? You set me up?
Antonio, I thought we were friends.
- Name's Detective Marcos Fernandez.
Gregg County Sheriff's Office.
And you're under arrest
for the trafficking of counterfeit goods.
(handcuffs fastening) (sirens wailing)
- [Eddie] Listen, fellas,
I've got some connections.
A- all you gotta do is say the magic word
and I can make things happen.
- You hear something?
- Nope. Not a thing.
- Come on, guys. Don't do me like this.
Let Fast Eddie work his magic.
- What are you doing?
We wish you
A Merry Christmas
- 'Tis the season, partner.
- No, I don't think so.
We wish you (radio shuts off)
- You could use a little
bit of "Jingle Bell Rock."
- For one, it's my car. I pick the music.
And for two, you don't play Christmas music
until after Thanksgiving.
It's a sin.
- If I may, he's right, Antonio.
Christmas music is perfectly
acceptable in November.
- Sit back and keep your mouth quiet.
Otherwise I'm gonna tack
another year on your sentence.
And it's Marcos.
And now Santa has a tall black suit
Santa has a tall black suit
At first he...
- I don't think your brother's
gonna make it, My Life.
- Typical Marcos. He is
going to get an earful from me.
- Grandpa, can I have
some of your tres leches?
(silverware clattering)
- Honey, Grace, no. You
already have your own.
- It's okay, Emily. She's a growing girl.
There you go, sunshine.
- She sure has you wrapped
around her finger, Dad.
- Don't let her fool you,
Grandpa. She's a brat.
- Hey, Hunter.
- Hunter.
That's not a very nice thing
to say about your little sister.
- Well, it's true, she
acts all nice around y'all.
But last week she used my
action figure as fishing bait.
- Did you catch anything?
- Yeah, I caught this big fish.
- Well, as I recall it was you, Hunter,
who stole her doll first, right?
- Whatever.
- It's Thanksgiving, son. You
should be grateful for Grace.
- Hear that, Hunter? You
should be grateful for me.
(group laughing)
- Fine.
- Oh, there's never a dull
moment between siblings,
especially at their age.
- Mm-hmm.
- Jack Tyler, put your phone away.
What kind of example are
you setting for your grandkids?
- I'm just checking on Marcos.
- He doesn't need a babysitter.
He is a grown man, and
he has made his decision.
- You're right. I'm sorry.
- If he doesn't want to
be here, then it's his loss.
(speaking Spanish) In fact.
Would anyone like the
last piece of tres leches
that I was saving for Marcos?
- Me, I do.
- Hmm. Take it.
(hand smacks)
Here. Mwah.
- It's so good. This is so, so good.
Thank you.
- [Maria] Oh, you are welcome.
(gentle solemn music)
(birds singing)
(gentle solemn music continues)
(gentle solemn music continues)
- Happy Thanksgiving, baby.
(gentle solemn music continues)
(footsteps pattering)
- You outdid yourself this year, My Queen.
This may be the best
turkey you've made to date.
You okay, My Queen?
- I'm worried about Marcos.
- He's gonna be okay.
We just have to keep
loving and supporting him.
You'll see.
- I hope so.
It's just that it's been so long
and I keep praying for him. (sobbing)
- You know, we, we all kind
of grieve in our own way.
But in time, he's gonna get through this.
You'll see.
- Please tell me you are
not eating in our bed again.
(Jack munching)
- No.
(bright whimsical music)
(Maria laughs)
(tense suspenseful music)
(car whooshing)
(bright whimsical music) (Izzy grunting)
(guitar strumming)
(monitor beeping) (keyboard clacking)
- Ah, there we go. I got it.
- [Bobby] Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Lemme see. Brilliant, babe.
- Thanks, darling.
- Hey, guys, turn that
off and get over here.
I wanna try to get home before midnight.
- Bobby, man, hold on. I'm crushing it.
- Just save the game, Iz.
- Dude, I can't save an online game.
(glass shatters) (monitor buzzing)
- Well, that's one way to do it.
- You broke another TV.
- I didn't break it. The remote broke it.
- Izzy.
- Hey, Iz. Come on.
- Get it together.
- All right. What's up, Bobby?
- Yeah, how did we do?
- Good. We're tracking
over 50 delivery trucks.
And with tomorrow being Black Friday,
Porch Pirate season is officially on.
(group cheering) (hands pounding)
- Oh, yeah.
Yo-ho, yo-ho
It's a porch pirate season for me
(Ralph singing)
- [Group] Ralph...
- Now according to Sarah's
estimate, we should be able
to hit 25 homes per day,
especially the last two
weeks before Christmas.
- That's a whole lotta houses.
- Yeah, what do you think
our take home's gonna be?
- Okay, so minus the 5,000
that we have in expenses,
we're looking at about 20,000 each.
- That's a heck of a lot more
than we make delivering pizzas in a year.
- Ah, cha-ching.
- Uh, you guys gotta still
keep delivering the pizzas.
- (scoffs) Why is that?
- Alibis.
Now listen up. Sarah's
got more info for you.
- All right, guys.
So the delivery trucks stop delivering
around 8:00 PM tonight,
so I will have a full map
of their routes to you by the end of today.
- Then it's picking time.
- Yep. We're gonna work in phases, okay?
Phase one, we'll track the delivery trucks
and document the uncollected packages.
- Yes, and then I'm gonna
be programming each address
into the drone as they come in, okay?
- Nice.
- Mm-hmm.
- Phase two's gonna be the pickers.
- Oh, yeah.
- So what's the plan?
We're gonna hit a single
truck route tomorrow.
If all goes well, Santa
Claus is coming to town.
(group cheering)
- Yeah, baby, come in with it...
- Uh...
- No shot.
- [Sticky] Uh, no I don't know
where that hand has been.
- Come on, guys.
- Bro, you need to wash your hands.
- Surprised you didn't hit the
Black Friday sales, My Life.
- I think those days are over.
Plus the crowds are getting mas loco,
and I am getting too old to fight them.
- Oh, I don't know about
that, my sexy mamacita.
- (laughs) Save some
of that energy for later.
(speaking Spanish) Hot
old man,
I am working here.
- I'll hold you to that.
(bright upbeat music) (bell ringing)
What's this? Some type of new ornament?
- Oh, si.
I got it as a free gift when I
did some online shopping.
- What's next? A Christmas avocado?
- No, it comes with a story.
- Is that right?
- Yeah.
According to this,
you are supposed to
hide the Christmas pickle,
and whoever finds it gets an extra gift.
The grandkids will go crazy about that.
- They sure will. But you
better buy another one.
Can't show any favoritism.
Especially with my little Gracita.
- Ah, that's very funny coming
from you since we all know
that Grace is your favorita.
- Of course she is. She's my fishing buddy.
Besides, Hunter's just
like his Grandmother. No patience.
- I think you meant
to say we're both
adorable and strong-willed.
- That's right.
- (laughs) Stop wasting time
and pass me another ornament.
(bright upbeat music continues)
- It didn't work this time.
(tense ominous music)
(drone beeping)
- [Device] Drone activated.
(drone buzzing)
Scanning.
(monitor beeping)
Packages located.
(monitor beeping)
- Two minute warning.
(drone buzzing)
There once was a ship that put to sea
And the name of the
ship was the Billy O' Tea
The winds blew up
- [Device] Emp activated.
Standing by.
Her bow dipped down
Oh blow, my bully boys, blow
- [Device] Emp de-active.
Soon may the Wellerman come
To bring us sugar and tea and rum
One day, when the tonguing is done
We'll take our leave and go
She had not been two weeks from shore
When down on her a right whale bore
The captain called all hands and swore
He'd take that whale in tow
Soon may the Wellerman come
To bring us sugar and tea and rum
One day, when the tonguing is done
We'll take our leave and go
Da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da
Before the boat had hit the water
The whale's tail came up and caught her
All hands to the side,
harpooned and fought her
When she dived down low
Soon may the Wellerman come
To bring us sugar and tea and rum
One day, when the tonguing is done
We'll take our leave and go
No line was cut, no whale was freed
And the captain's mind was not of greed
And he belonged to the Whaleman's creed
She took that ship in tow
Soon may the Wellerman come
To bring us sugar and tea and rum
One day, when the tonguing is done
We'll take our leave and go
Da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da
For forty days or even more
The line went slack
then tight once more
All boats were lost,
there were only four
But still that whale did go
Soon may the Wellerman come
To bring us sugar and tea and rum
One day, when the tonguing is done
We'll take our leave and go
As far as I've heard,
the fight's still on
The line's not cut, and
the whale's not gone
The Wellerman makes his regular call
To encourage the captain crew
(objects clattering)
(footsteps pattering) (objects clattering)
(footsteps pattering)
(gentle whimsical music)
(egg cracking)
- And in other news, apparently
packages are being stolen
off of people's porches,
and they're not just
being stolen by anybody,
but by Santa Claus wearing a pirate's mask.
So if you happen to see Santa Claus running
around your neighborhood-
(Marcos speaking Spanish) Hello, sister.
- [News Anchor] To the reindeer.
- Don't "Hello, sister" me.
- [News Anchor] And call the local-
- You missed our family Thanksgiving again.
- I'm sorry..
- You should be.
(speaking Spanish) Ah, sit down.
And I'll make you some breakfast.
You're looking a little...
(speaking spanish) skinny. these days.
- Hey.
Take it easy, sis.
- Ah, just trying
to toughen you up, little brother.
Every year, (speaking
Spanish) the same thing.
I come to Thanksgiving,
but no, you don't show.
(speaking Spanish) I'm
tired of you not showing up.
But then you don't show.
- Morning, My queen.
- Ah, buenos dias.
- Morning.
- Hey, morning.
- Ah. Take it.
- Thank you, little sister.
- Where's my bacon?
- No bacon for you.
The doctor said you need
to watch your cholesterol.
(bright whimsical music)
- [Marcos] Hey.
- What?
- Mm-mm. Delicious, babe.
- Hey, so, uh, what's
new with the grandkids?
- You would have known had
you been here for Thanksgiving.
- Oh they're great.
But they miss their Uncle.
- And don't even think
about missing Navidad.
And you are going to church with us too.
(Maria speaking Spanish) Now eat.
- I'll try to come to Christmas,
but I'm not going to church.
- Marcos don't make me get out my chancla.
- Think fast.
You gotta get outta here, 'cause
when the chancla comes up flying,
there's always friendly fire.
(bright upbeat music)
- Sister, thanks for everything.
Breakfast was delicious.
(speaking Spanish) I love you very much.
You forgot the salsa.
- Aye!
(Maria speaking Spanish)
Take this, naughty.
(bright whimsical music)
- Hello?
(door knocking) Is anybody home?
(birds singing)
Hello? Can you come to the door, please?
I have a lot of houses to do.
Are you on the pot?
Come on. Hello?
(door knocking) (Charley sighs)
(bright energetic music)
(door knocking)
- Jack, Marcus, I'd like to introduce you
to Detective Sally Jones.
She just transferred
here from Brazos County.
She's gonna be joining the team.
- Good to have you part of the team.
- Welcome, newbie.
- Good to be here.
- Brazos County. Huh?
I guess that makes you an Aggie too.
- (laughs) Yes, sir. Heart and Soul.
- Sally's gonna be assisting
on the Porch Pirates case,
so get her up to speed.
I'm sure you'll find her experience
and her perspective to be very helpful.
- But she's gonna cramp
our style, Captain. No offense.
- (laughs) Cramp, cramp. Ow, ah, ow.
We're not wrestling the
cattle, Captain. No offense.
- Well, I, I figure Captain
wants us to, uh, solve this case
before you both retire.
No offense.
- (laughs) Well, aren't you sassier
than a rattlesnake on a rose bush.
- All right, now that
we got that sorted out,
I need y'all to head over
to the mayor's house.
It looks like he was the latest victim
of some porch pirates.
- On it, Captain.
- By the way, I hope you like dad jokes.
Otherwise it's gonna be a long ride.
- And Aggie jokes too.
- Oh, yeah, I figured.
- Did you hear about
the Aggie that found out
95% of all accidents happen
within five miles of home?
- I don't know. What?
- He moved. (laughs)
- (sighs) Okay.
(leaves rustling) (tense suspenseful music)
(bright whimsical music)
- Whoa. Hi, little guy.
I haven't seen one of these in forever.
Let's see.
(keyboard clacking)
Oh, my... Bobby.
- Yeah?
- You gotta come look at this.
(keyboard clacking)
I think we just scored.
- Whoa. No kidding.
H- hey, fellas, we're in the green.
- Go on tell me it's a baseball card.
- Or even better, Pogs.
- Dude, what's Pogs?
- Pogs, man.
They're the little cardboard round disc
that you would bounce 'em with your friends
and play and stuff.
- How old are you?
- Uh-uh.
This is way better than that.
- A bird?
- Now this little guy is worth $20,000.
- No way.
- Whoa.
- Yeah, way.
- Score. We are gonna be rich.
- Hey, baby. Where'd you say
this package came from again?
- Uh, the mayor's
house, along with this box
of glass Christmas pickle ornaments.
- Christmas pickles. Weird.
- That is a score. Stick it to that mayor.
- Yeah. (laughs)
- Uh, hey, guys, I don't
think we should list this one.
- Why not?
- I think it'll get flagged.
(car engine rumbling)
(gentle suspenseful music)
(bright festive music)
- Afternoon, ma'am. Detective Fernandez.
These are my partners, Detective
Tyler and Detective Jones.
- Oh, thank you for coming
so quickly, detectives.
- Yes, please come in.
Uh, can we get you something
to drink? Some coffee or tea?
- Coffee would be great.
- I second that.
- Oh, make that three, please.
- Three coffees coming up.
- I'm really sorry to hear
about your thefts, ma'am.
- Oh, oh, bless you.
You know, I, I don't know what happened.
I mean, this was always
such a safe neighborhood.
- Yeah.
- You mind if we record this, ma'am?
- [Becky] Not at all.
- Can you give us a
list of the items stolen?
- Well, yes, it was a box
of glass Christmas pickles
I ordered for my staff.
- Christmas pickles?
- Mm-hm.
- Funny. My wife just got
one of those for our tree.
- Oh, it's a tradition
around here. (laughs)
- You were saying, Mayor?
- Oh, and a rare Beanie
Baby for our collection.
Uh, the, uh, Beanie Baby's the one we're
most concerned about
because, well, we paid for just,
you know, just north
of 20 grand for it, uh...
- Did you say $20,000 for a stuffed toy?
- Oh, no. It's much more
than just a toy, Detective.
It's a cute piece of history, really.
I mean, each Beanie
Baby is very collectible.
- Really?
- Oh, she's right.
Each one comes with its own unique birthday
and poem printed on its tag.
And they were collected not only as toys,
but as financial investments
owing to their high resale value
of particular limited edition Beanies.
Now the uh, supply and demand
created a scarce availability.
So it was clever, really.
- Yes, and manufacturing began in 1993
with the nine original Beanie Babies.
There was Legs the frog, Squealer the pig,
Spot the dog, Flash the
dolphin, Splash the whale-
- Chocolate the moose, Patty the platypus,
Brownie the bear, renamed Cubby, of course,
and then the uh...
- Pincher.
- Pincher's the lobster. Yeah.
(both laughing)
- Nerd.
- Becky and I have
been collectors for years.
We have a whole room full of them.
- Oh, I need to see that.
I mean, fascinating.
Do you think that we could see that room
for our investigation?
- Absolutely. I would be delighted.
Right this way.
(bright whimsical music)
- Oh, oh, uh, do you need
a hand detective or a cane?
- Funny.
- [Sally] I thought so.
- Actually I could use it. (grunting)
Holy moly.
Dang. Y'all weren't kidding.
- It's incredible. Oh, wow, look at that.
- [Marcos] What you got, Detective?
- Oh, it's Mystic the unicorn.
I had one of these when I was a kid.
- Oh.
- My parents sold it in a
yard sale when we moved.
- Oh, well, then since you
know how this loss hurts us,
do you think that there's something
that y'all might do to help?
- Of course, ma'am.
- Oh, splendid.
- I noticed that you
have a doorbell camera.
- Yes, that's correct.
- All right, we're gonna need
you to pull that footage, please.
- Oh, okay. Of course.
(dog barking)
There you go.
- Thank you.
(electricity zapping)
- Strange, right?
And the even stranger thing is
we got a motion detection alert.
- Can we see that as well?
- Oh, sure can. It's the next video.
(gentle suspenseful
music) (electricity zapping)
- Looks like we've got
bad Santa on our hands.
- (laughs) I thought
my doorbell got hacked.
- We're gonna need you to send that
to us if you don't mind, Mayor.
- Well, of course.
Anything we can do to
help you catch that criminal.
- Yeah, but what I don't understand is, is
how did this thief know
that we weren't home?
- Well, we're likely dealing
with a professional, ma'am.
- And he's probably staking
out your neighborhood.
- Oh.
- Oh, heavens.
- Well, I think that's all we need for now.
But if you can think of anything else,
please don't hesitate to call.
- All right.
- We will.
Bless y'all.
- Always here to serve.
(scooter rumbling)
(bright percussive music)
What will we do with a drunken sailor
What will we do with a drunken sailor
What will we do with a drunken sailor
Early in the morning
Way hay and up she rises
Way hay and up she rises
Way hay and up she rises
Early in the morning
Shave his belly with a rusty razor
Shave his belly with a rusty razor
Shave his belly with a rusty razor
Early in the morning
Way hay and up she rises
Way hay and up she rises
Way hay and up she rises
(drone zooming) (group laughing)
- [Sticky] Sweet.
- 60 picks in seven days is not bad, y'all.
Not bad at all.
- Wow, we are the bomb.com.
- Yeah, I'm telling you
he's gotta be at least 40.
- Hey, y'all, listen up. Sarah's
got some more info for you.
- All right, guys, so not counting today,
we're pulling in about 14,000.
That's about two grand each.
- H-holy cow.
- I can buy so many skateboards and tacos.
- Okay, hold on. Hold on.
That doesn't make any sense.
You said the Beanie Baby
was worth $20,000 by itself.
- Yeah, what's up with that?
- Sarah was right.
There's a little too much
heat on that right now.
- It's just that specific Beanie
Baby is such a rare find.
They've only made 10 of them.
There's even a registry for who owns them.
- That should have been a group decision.
- Yeah, Sticky's got a point.
- All right, before y'all start
a mutiny, let me remind you
how important it is that
we keep a low profile.
There's at least three weeks left.
Picking season is just getting started.
- Yeah, yeah. I guess you're right.
- I still think there
should have been a vote.
- Y'all can take a vote.
That's fine with me.
But if you decide to sell it, then I'm out.
You're on your own. All right?
I can't have the cops on my radar.
- And if Bobby's out, so am I.
- Whatever. Why don't we just vote?
All in favor for selling the
Beanie Baby, raise your hand.
Really?
- Dude, it is just too dangerous.
I don't wanna be behind bars.
- Yeah, me either, man.
You've seen my face.
I wouldn't make it two seconds in the pen.
- Whatever. I'm outta here.
- Is he gonna be a problem for us?
- Sticky? No, he just needs
to blow off some steam.
I'll talk to him
tomorrow. It'll be all right.
- Yeah, I hope so. Otherwise
picking season is over.
(gentle suspenseful music)
- Yeah. Wii Sports?
- Yeah, just don't break another TV.
- [Izzy] Pick another one.
(traffic bustling)
- All righty, that is one
Kate's Jalapeo Popper Pizza
on cauliflower crust.
All right. We'll see you soon.
(door monitor dings)
- Ah.
- [Bobby] There you are.
Glad you made it.
- Yep.
- Where's your name tag?
- Izzy's borrowing it.
- Well, where's Izzy's name tag?
- Why would I know?
- Uh...
- Well, we have one
order going out, Sticky.
Can you take it please?
- [Bobby] Good to go?
- Is this going to Karen's house again?
- Dude, come on. Clock's ticking.
- Well, there pretty be enough
pineapples on this thing.
- There's enough for both of you.
- Bye, pineapple boy.
(door monitor dings) (crowd cheering)
Oh, why is everything so serious with him?
- That's a great question.
How does he still have a job?
Another great question.
(car door clanging)
(bright gentle music)
(door knocking)
- Well, it's about time. You are late.
- Yeah, this whole daylight
savings is kind of killing me.
- Here, let me see it.
And there's not enough
pineapple on this pizza.
- Lady, you look like a pineapple.
- There you go.
- Thanks for the tip, Karen.
- Oh, and you're welcome.
Thank you very much for your service.
- A whole flipping
dollar, Karen? Good night.
God...
(gentle whimsical music)
(car engine revving)
(car engine revving)
(door shuts)
(tense suspenseful music)
(dramatic suspenseful music)
(objects clattering) (car door shuts)
(car engine starting)
(dramatic suspenseful music)
(footsteps stomping)
(objects clattering)
- What I don't understand is
how they keep disabling
the doorbell camera.
- You got me.
- Uh, you, you mind if I take a look?
- Yeah, go for it. I could
use another refill anyway.
- Yeah, me too.
(keyboard clacking)
(objects clattering) (footsteps stomping)
(gentle whimsical music)
- Hey, uh, I think I got something.
(electricity zapping)
- Dang, these guys are sophisticated.
- That explains how
they're getting in and out
without being detected.
- Did you get a list
of the delivery drivers?
- Oh, yeah, it's uh...
Right there.
- Does it have their routes too?
- Mm-hm. It's on there.
- Good work.
- Oh, yeah, and uh, check this out.
On the night that the
mayor's house was hit,
it seems that the route
belonged to a single driver.
- Interesting.
- [Sally] Yeah.
- Could be an inside job.
- We should pull up
their contact information
and call 'em in for questioning.
- Yeah, will do, Detective.
- She's good.
- Yeah, she is.
(Speaking Spanish) Be quiet old man.
(Marcos laughs)
(tape recorder clicking)
- Thank you for agreeing
to meet with us, Charlie.
- Sure. You mind telling me
what's going on, detectives?
- We'll ask the questions, ma'am.
- Okay. That's fine.
- Can you tell us where you were
between 8:00 PM to midnight
on Friday, November 25th?
(tape whirring)
- Doggone it.
(hand slamming)
- Here you go. I got this.
(phone dings)
(gentle whimsical music)
- As you were saying.
- (clearing throat) Yeah, uh,
I normally get home around 8:30,
but last week it was a little bit later.
- A little busy this
time of year, isn't it?
- Yeah, Detective.
- Or maybe you were
making an unscheduled stop.
Maybe you decided to steal something.
- No, I, I would never do that.
I'm a church going girl.
- You think that'll save you?
- And was your husband home at that time?
- You mean my boyfriend?
Yeah, 'cause he ain't got no job.
He's a bit of a deadbeat,
and he spends most of his
time at this dingy warehouse
with his buddies playing video games.
- Charlie, if I find
out you're lying to me,
you're gonna be real sorry.
- I'm not lying, Detective.
Look, I've told y'all everything I know.
Will you please tell me what's going on?
- I'm sure you're aware that there's been
several packages stolen
over the last couple of weeks.
- Yeah. (stammering)
So busy this time of year,
it's impossible to wait
for every single person
to answer the door, unless
a signature's required.
- Your route was hit
pretty hard on the 25th.
You didn't happen to see anything
outta the ordinary, did you?
- Mm, no.
- One of the packages
that you delivered was valued at $20,000.
- And you would've got
a signature for that, right?
(gentle whimsical music)
- I, I don't, I don't know.
I was so focused on...
- Yes or no, Charlie.
- No, Detective. Look, I'm sorry.
It's just so busy this time of year.
It takes so long for
people to come to the door-
- Wait, wait. Are you
sure you weren't followed?
- (stammering) Honestly, I, I don't know.
I don't think so.
- And is that your van parked out front?
- Yes, the company lets us take it home
so we could do pickups
on the way into the office.
- That's nice of them.
- Mind if we take a look?
- Sure. Just be careful.
I picked up a few fragile
packages this morning.
- We're gonna get you in on this too.
Extra pair of eyes couldn't hurt.
- Yeah, works for me.
(gentle whimsical music)
- Please be careful. Those
are sorted for a reason.
(device thudding)
(glass shattering)
Or not.
(hand knocking)
- Look what I found.
(indistinct)
- Nice find.
- Yeah.
- Guess we know how
they're locating their victims.
- And we don't want them
to know we're onto them.
- You got that right.
- Yeah. I'm putting it back.
(Jack sniffing)
- Smell that?
- What?
- Smells like a stake out.
- Ha, that's a good one.
- Go make deliveries.
- Okay.
(glass shatters)
(gentle suspenseful music)
(electricity zapping)
- Maybe it was on the wrong channel.
- Hey, anybody hear from Sticky?
- Uh, not since he dropped me off.
He said he'd be right back though.
- He'd better get here soon.
I would hate to have to
split his share between us.
- Hey, man, I wouldn't mind that. (laughs)
- I'll call him.
- All right.
- I'll call. (grunts)
- 5,100, 5,200,
and a good old whopping
5,000 Mr. Benjamins.
Oh, no.
Oh, my goodness.
What in the Paris Hilton is this?
(cellphone ringing)
Yo. What up, G?
- Yo, buddy, where you at? It's payday.
You gotta get your butt over here.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, I'm, I'm grabbing
a burger. You want one?
- No, I'm good. I just had a Twinkie.
- Tight. All right,
well, I'll be there in 15.
- [Ralph] All right, cool. Later.
(glass shattering) (ball thudding)
- Shoot. Come on, Sticky.
- It's payday, fellas. You earned it.
Ralph.
- Thank you.
- Baby.
- Oh, thank you, baby.
- It's made of cash.
- Oh, no, wait, hold on.
There's Sticky's share.
- Yeah, in your dreams, Ralph.
- Nice jacket.
- Ah, thanks.
I got it from your mom's.
- Whatever.
Now that we are all here,
let's get down the business.
Baby, you wanna do the honors?
- I will. Okay, guys.
So not including today, we've
brought in about $50,000,
which is right on par
with my original estimate.
Of that, we've gotten about
8,000 each off the listings.
And that's exactly what
Bobby just handed you.
- (claps) Nice.
- Yeah!
- Yes, sir.
The good news is the
average pick should increase
significantly these last two weeks
as people finish up
their Christmas shopping.
- Yeah, and people should
be buying and paying quicker.
- On another note, we all need to chip in
and help Sarah get these
packages out to the buyers.
- Yes.
- Things are starting
to pile up here, as y'all can see.
- Does that mean we're gonna
get a little more cash-oola?
- Don't push your luck, Iz.
- Thought I'd give it a shot.
- Uh, also, I'm missing a Christmas pickle.
Has anyone seen one laying around?
They're kind of the hottest
thing on the website right now.
I need 'em.
- Uh, hey, Sticky, didn't you have one
of those hanging in your car?
- Uh, yeah.
You know, I didn't think
anyone would miss it.
- Uh, it's not a big deal.
Let's just keep track of who
takes what from now on. Got it?
- Well, what about those packages
with the new phones in 'em?
- What about 'em?
- Well, can I take one of
those and you just dock my pay?
- Unfortunately, no.
Those get tracked back
to us here in the US.
So I'm selling them on
the dark web via Bitcoin.
- All right, well, I'll take one
of those Christmas pickles then.
Thank you.
- Sure.
You can all do a little Christmas shopping.
Sticky, don't forget that.
(insects chirping)
(police radio crackling)
- [Sally] See anything yet?
(device pings)
- Nothing yet.
(tires screeching)
(gentle suspenseful music)
- Hey, want a sandwich?
- Sure.
(Jack grunting)
(drone beeps and whirs)
- [Device] Activated.
Scanning.
(drone buzzing and whirring)
- What the heck are you doing?
- My briefcase is stuck.
- Well, pull harder.
- Well, you could help. (grunts)
(drone buzzing)
(drone whooshing)
(bright upbeat music)
(vocalist singing indistinctly)
- Oh, my gosh.
(both grunting and struggling)
(drone buzzing)
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
(drone whizzing and beeping)
- Oh, my gosh.
- Is that...
(electricity zapping)
(bright upbeat music)
(vocalist singing indistinctly)
- [Sarah] Abort, abort, abort!
(tires screeching) (bright upbeat music)
(electricity zapping)
- On my signal. Ready?
- Oh, my gosh. Sarah, come on, take it up.
- Three...
- Take it up, take it up, take it up.
- I can't go any higher.
The trees are blocking.
- Well, we gotta get it
out there, Sarah. Come on.
- Shut it.
- Okay.
- Two.
- [Device] Return home initiated.
(tense suspenseful music)
- Now.
- [Device] Return home.
(bright gentle music)
(drone whizzing)
(bright gentle music continues)
(drone whizzing)
(drone whizzing)
(Marcos panting)
(Jack panting)
- Shoot.
- Yeah.
Man, I need a second to regain my breath.
- [Sarah] What happened?
I thought we had 'em.
- We're made. (device beeps)
(both panting)
- Stupid drone.
- Did we lose the drone?
- No, thank goodness.
- That's a relief.
- Lucky is what it is.
But now the cops are onto us,
which is exactly what I
didn't want to have happen.
- So what? Picking season's over for us?
- For a long view, yes, it is.
- That stinks, man.
- Look, why don't we just
lay low for a couple days and-
- The problem is, all of
the deliveries in our area
originate from the same facility, guys.
- The cops have already found our trackers.
They could basically be
anywhere at this point.
- Sticky's right. You guys
gotta lay low, all right?
At least while Sarah and
I come up with plan B.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. All right.
- All right. I'm outta here.
- All-all right, guys.
- Find out what to do.
- [Sarah] I'm gonna go work on this.
(hand slams) (Bobby grunts)
(water sloshing)
(Jack yawns)
- Oh, sweetie, you look exhausted.
- Put a fork in me, baby, because I'm done.
(Maria speaking Spanish) What happened?
- Turns out we underestimated
the Porch Pirates.
(Maria speaking Spanish) You poor thing.
- They had this drone,
and everything just went to the toilet.
- A drone? That's on the
top of Hunter's Christmas list.
- Oh, Lord. You're gonna
have to handle that one, baby.
I'm afraid I'd be triggered.
- I will.
On a positive note,
I found another handmade Christmas pickle.
And to top it off, I
think the seller is local.
- Good to support local businesses.
- Oh, they even have that
game that Grace wants.
Emily has been searching
high and low for it.
- Mm-hm.
- And they also carry
a limited edition bell
from "It's a Wonderful Life."
You know how special that movie is to me.
And since you're such
a last minute shopper,
I emailed the link to you.
(bright gentle music)
(Jack breathing heavily)
Jack.
In case you were wondering what to get me.
(Maria sighs)
(bright gentle music) (crowd chattering)
- Hey, Marcos.
- Detective.
- Sally.
- Sally.
- Yeah.
- You look pretty.
- Well, thanks.
Uh, do you wanna join us?
- And talk about apples,
cookies and ID addresses?
Ah. Well, thanks, I'll sit this one out.
- Oh, come on.
They're more fun than
you give 'em credit for.
Oh, and hey, maybe you can uh, fill 'em in
about how you let the drone get away.
They'd get a kick out of that.
- Yeah. Thanks for the reminder.
I'm sure I looked pretty crazy.
- Oh, you did. But it was cute.
Uh, hey, offer still stands if
you change your mind. Okay?
- Appreciate it.
- Oh, and uh, Detective,
it's IP address not ID address.
- Noted.
(bright upbeat music continues)
On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
A partridge in a pear tree
On the second day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
On the third day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
- [Marcos] And that was me
and Jack's first stake out together.
- (laughs) It must be a hoot working
with your brother-in-Law.
- Ah, he's more like a big brother to me.
He's a bit of a
goofball, but I'll tell you,
no one else I'd rather
pick to have my back.
- Well, you both have
made me feel at home here,
so thanks for that.
- You're welcome.
Always like to give the
newbies a little bit of a hard time.
Especially if they're, you know, Aggies.
- Ah, (laughs) well, trust me.
Being a female cop, I've had to deal
with my fair share of crap, so.
- What brought you back to
good old East Texas anyway?
- Oh, uh, my family,
particularly my parents.
My dad's had some health issues lately,
so I wanted to be home.
And when I saw that Gregg
County had an opening,
I jumped on it.
- I'm glad you did.
(glasses clinking) (bright upbeat music)
- I didn't know you were married.
- Was.
- Sorry.
I, I didn't mean to pry.
Must be the detective in me.
- It's okay.
Jenny died. Cancer.
Been going on five years now.
In some ways it still feels like yesterday.
- I'm sorry. That must be tough.
- It is.
She loved the holidays.
Man, she loved them.
I tell you, it took everything I had
to stop her from decorating the house
for Christmas in, in October.
(Sally laughs)
Sure enough, come November 1st, boom.
Those stockings went
up. They went up. (laughs)
Along with everything else.
(gentle wistful music)
That's why it's so tough
this time of year, you know?
Hey, but enough about me. How about you?
No boyfriend, no husband?
- Oh, uh, I was engaged once.
Uh, but it turns out
we had different values.
- How so?
- Oh, I, I poured myself
into the relationship,
you know, 'cause I, I
thought it was meant to be,
but uh, it took him leaving me
to realize just how one sided
the relationship truly was.
- [Marcos] Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, one morning I woke up
and found that he had
packed everything up and left,
and I never saw it coming.
- Wow.
- So much for being a detective.
- Yeah, but you can't
be so hard on yourself.
- Well, you know, I, I
ignored red flag after red flag.
And I even forgave him for cheating on me
if you can believe that.
- To new beginnings.
- New friendships.
(glasses clink) (gentle wistful music)
(oil sizzling)
(coffee sloshing)
(bright percussive music)
(oil sizzling)
(bright percussive music continues)
(utensils clanging)
(keyboard clacking)
- Jack!
(speaking Spanish) Breakfast.
(gentle whimsical music)
Jack, breakfast!
- Be right there.
- [Maria] Jack, I have
places to be this morning.
- Hold your horses, woman.
(Maria speaking Spanish) Excuse me.
- Uh, I said, "You look gorgeous, woman."
(gentle whimsical music)
- The food's getting cold.
(Jack exhales)
About time.
- Ooh. Looks good.
- Hey!
That's for Marcos.
- Fine.
- Ooh, buenos dias. Morning.
Smells delicious in here.
Litlle sister.
- Hmm?
- Mwah.
- Marcos?
- Yes, my sweet, lovely sister?
- You are in a very good mood this morning.
- I am. It's 'cause it's a
fine day in the neighborhood.
A fine day.
- Babe, I think we need to put an APV out.
My partner's done gone missing.
- (laughs) Good one. I'm here.
- Hmm, wouldn't have anything to
do with that new coworker, would it?
- We did end up having a
couple drinks together last night.
- I knew it. I knew I
detected a little office romance.
- Now I don't know about all that,
but we did get to know
each other a little better.
- Well, if you ask me,
I think it's about the time
you get yourself out there.
The real question is, is
she a church going woman?
- Now slow down, sis. We're just coworkers.
- (laughs) That wasn't a coworker look
you gave her yesterday.
- I want to meet her.
She needs my approval if she's going
to be a part of this familia.
- You two are hopeless.
- Oh.
Your salsa.
- Ah, salsa. Thank you.
- (laughs) Ooh, la la.
(both laughing) (gentle whimsical music)
(machinery whirring) (cellphone buzzing)
- Morning.
- Good morning.
Mr. Murphy, this is Detective Jones
with the Gregg County Sheriff's Office.
- What can I do for you, Detective?
- Were you aware that your neighbor
had some packages stolen from his home?
- Yes, I am. It's terrible
news, just terrible.
Especially this time of year.
- Yeah, well, I am calling
all the surrounding neighbors
to see if someone may have seen something
or caught something on a doorbell camera.
- I didn't see anything, but I do have one
of them doorbell cameras.
- Oh, you think you could do me a favor
and check to see if you caught something?
- Sure. Give me a minute.
All I see is uh, some pizza delivery kid.
- Uh, and, and what's the,
what's the timestamp on that?
- 8:13 PM.
- And can you send that file to my email?
- Sure. What's your email address?
- Okay, yeah, it's uh,
sally@greggcountytxsheriff.org.
(email pings)
- Just sent it your way.
- Okay, and got it. All right, thank you.
You have been extremely helpful.
- My pleasure. I hope you
catch those darn delinquents.
- Yeah, thanks.
(door knocking)
- Morning, Sally. You know what they say.
Early bird gets the worm.
- Yeah, I thought it'd be good
to get a head start on things.
- Hi, Sally.
- Morning, Detective uh, Marcos.
- So uh, did you hook anything?
- Uh, yeah, I, I received
an email with a video
of a pizza delivery guy
from one of the victim's neighbors.
- Anyone feel like pizza?
- Looks like they open at 11:00 AM.
- Well, you keep calling the neighbors.
Marcos and I will go
check out the pizza place.
- Yeah, I'm on it.
Hey, Marcos,
uh, I had a great time
getting to know you last night.
- Me too.
- Uh, what are you doing after work?
- Nothing. Why?
- How about dinner?
- You mean, like, a date?
- Hmm. I mean, yeah, if, if that's okay.
Or it could just be dinner.
- [Jack] Marcos, let's
shake, rattle, and roll.
- Let's just call it dinner for now.
- Deal.
- You better close that deal, buddy.
- You ready to go to work?
(Jack laughs) (traffic bustling)
(crowd chattering)
(Sarah laughs)
- What?
- I cannot believe that this guy bought
the stupid bell for 50 bucks.
- No way. Nice job, babe.
- Thanks.
Uh, oh. (clears throat)
Hi. What can I get started for you guys?
- Sir, I'm Detective Tyler.
This is my partner, Detective Fernandez.
- Uh, what can I get for you, detectives?
- We're investigating
a string of robberies.
We was wondering if we could talk to one
of your pizza delivery
guys who made a delivery
around 8:15 a couple nights ago.
- Oh...
- I'll handle this.
- And you are?
- I'm Bobby. I'm the manager.
- Bobby, you got a last name?
- Bishop. Bobby Bishop.
- What's Sarah's last name?
- Uh, Watson.
- Bobby, does this kid
look familiar to you?
- Uh, yeah, yeah, that's Sticky.
- Sticky.
- Yeah.
- Why am I guessing
that's not his real name?
- No, that's just what we all call him.
- What is his real name?
- Uh, uh, you know, his parents named him
after some country singer.
Uh, Kenny, Kenny, uh...
Hey, babe, what's the
name of that country singer
that Sticky's named after?
Kenny... Rogers?
- Oh, yeah, that's it. Kenny Rogers.
- Well, this Kenny Rogers made a delivery
around the time of a robbery.
- Did he?
- Yeah, I was hoping we
could ask him some questions,
maybe see if he saw
anything out of the ordinary.
- Yeah. Uh, hey, Sarah, is
Sticky supposed to come in today?
- Uh, I'm not sure. Let me check.
- One sec, guys.
Let's see. Uh...
- Yeah, looks like seven o'clock.
- 7:00.
- All right, when he comes in,
have him give us a call, will you?
- Will do, Detective.
And hey, you guys want a pizza or something
before you leave?
It's on in the house.
- Oh, that sounds delicious.
- Yeah, no can do. He's watching his carbs.
- [Bobby] Oh...
- See you later, guys.
- Thank you.
(crowd chattering)
(gentle suspenseful music)
Thanks for your time,
folks. I appreciate it.
Hey, so what'd you think?
- Man, why'd you turn down pizza?
- I mean about Bobby and Sarah.
- Oh, Bobby, man. He
definitely had a stench about him.
And it wasn't the onions.
And Sarah, she was definitely on the edge.
- I agree.
Hey, maybe we should
put a tail out on Sticky,
Kenny or whatever his name is.
- Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking.
- All right.
(gentle suspenseful music)
(cell phone buzzing)
- Hey, Marcos.
- Hey, Sally.
I need you to dig up whatever
you can on uh, Kenny Rogers.
- Kenny Rogers?
- Hey, Sally. Jack here.
Kenny Rogers is the
name of that delivery guy.
You know, from the video.
- Well, with a name like that,
you think he'd know when
to walk away. (laughs)
- Wow.
- She's a real keeper.
- Focus on the case. (laughs)
- What are we gonna do now, Bobby?
The cops are way too close
on us now because of Sticky.
- Yeah, don't worry about
it. I got it, babe, okay?
- Oh, you got it?
- Yeah, yeah, I got it. Okay?
- Oh, yeah.
- Just gimme a sec. Geez.
(phone dialing) (crowd chattering)
(phone chiming) (TV blaring)
- What's up, Bobby?
- Hey, don't come into work today.
- Why? What's popping?
- The cops were just in
here asking about you.
You're not going
extracurricular on us, are you?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- They said that there was a
robbery in your neighborhood
on a night where we didn't schedule a pick.
- Okay, but it wasn't me.
Wait, are you ratting me out, Bobby?
- What? No, why would I rat you out?
- What did you tell the cops?
- Bro, calm down. I didn't
tell them anything, okay?
We're gonna have an
emergency meeting tonight
at 11:00, okay?
Be there.
- Yeah.
(tense suspenseful music) (TV blaring)
- Uh, I got something here, fellas.
It looks like Sticky had
several shoplifting convictions
when he was younger,
and he did a good amount of time in juvie.
- I guess that's how he
got his nickname Sticky.
- Is there a home address?
- Let's see. Last known address.
Uh, it's a house.
I'll, I'll check to see
if he still lives there.
- Go ahead send us his
latest mugshot too, will you?
- Yeah. You got it.
- Hey, while you're at it,
can you see what you can find
on a Bobby Bishop and a uh, Sarah Watson?
- Oh, you think they're involved?
- There's two things I
don't trust. Stairs and liars.
- Oh, boy.
- And why is that?
- Because they're always
up to something. (laughs)
- (laughs) Yeah, that's
a, that's a good one.
- Looks like it's gonna be
another long night for us, partner.
- Oh, you know what Ricky Martin says
when he's drinking coffee?
- What's that?
- Living la vida mocha. (laughs)
- Oh, my God.
(bright whimsical music) (car whooshing)
(bright upbeat music)
- I was on this bad date
with uh, this one guy.
I'll just call him (indistinct), and...
(indistinct)
- Thank you.
- Here comes your
girlfriend, and right on time.
(cars whooshing)
See, partner. She's reliable.
- Can we just focus on the restaurant?
(packaging rustling)
- Hey, can I have one of those?
- You know you can't be eating this stuff.
- How about for an almond?
- Focus.
- How about some huevos?
- Focus.
(indistinct)
- I would like to place
an order to go please.
- All right, what are we gonna do?
- I would like the scuba
bacon cheeseburger please.
- Scuba bacon cheeseburger. Okay.
To go, we can get that out
in about 15 to 20 minutes.
That gonna be okay?
- Sounds good.
- Perfect.
Lemme give you this number here.
We'll have that right out for you.
- All right. Thank you.
- Of course.
(crowd chattering) (bright upbeat music)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I am going to have an Aiden Supreme.
- Aiden Supreme.
- I heard it was the best.
- Well, you heard correctly.
- Mm-hm.
- You want that for here or to go?
- Let's do it here.
- All right.
(bright upbeat music continues)
(traffic bustling)
I'm pushing hard
against the tides of time
So I can see you cross the line
- Here you go, ma'am. There you go.
- Thank you.
- Get you anything else?
- Nope. That'll be it.
- Nope.
All right.
- Thank you.
(Sally sighs) (bright upbeat music)
(traffic bustling)
(crowd chattering)
(bell dinging)
(object rustling) (traffic bustling)
(bright gentle music) (crowd chattering)
(baby cooing)
- Yeah, I'm starting to get
some looks from the manager.
You think we got a no show here?
- Yeah, go ahead and get outta there.
- Okay. Got it.
And uh, let me know when
you're ready for our dinner.
- Will do.
- You got a girlfriend.
- All right, old man.
(Jack laughs)
Marcus and Sally sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes the love
Then comes marriage
- How much coffee have you had?
Then comes a baby and a baby carriage
(bright whimsical music) (tin rattling)
- You're cut off.
- Come on, man. You
know I ain't no lightweight.
- You have anymore coffee,
you're gonna end up crashing.
- I'm fine.
You're the one that needs a little coffee
or maybe some Red Bull.
- I don't fall asleep on the job.
- Yeah, right. (laughs)
(gentle whimsical music)
(Marcos snoring) (tense suspenseful music)
So much for not sleeping on the job.
(gentle suspenseful music)
(Marcos snoring)
(plastic rustling)
(gentle whimsical music)
(plastic rustling)
(Marcos snoring) (gentle whimsical music)
(plastic rustling) (bright whimsical music)
(plastic rustling)
(Marcos gasps)
(bright whimsical music continues)
(plastic rustling)
(Marcos stirring)
(bright whimsical music continues)
(plastic rustling)
(bright whimsical music continues)
- What are you doing?
(sighs) Hey, looks like
they're on the move.
(bell dinging)
- Just shy of 9:30. Sticky's a no show.
Guess he called in sick.
- No. Maybe they tipped him off.
You wanna follow the love birds?
- Nah, neither had any priors.
I think they're just covering for him.
(indistinct)
- Yeah, you're probably right.
You wanna call it a night?
- Works for me.
- All right.
(car engine starting)
(tense ominous music)
- [Bobby] Now, this
little guy is worth $20,000.
- [Sarah] We're pulling in about 14,000.
That's about two grand each.
(voice echoing)
- [Sticky] That doesn't make any sense.
You said the Beanie Baby
was worth $20,000 by itself.
(objects clattering)
- [Sarah] It's just that
specific Beanie Baby is
such a rare find.
They've only made 10 of them.
(voice echoing)
- [Bobby] Y'all can take a
vote, that's fine with me.
But if you decide to sell it, then I'm out.
You're on your own. $20,000.
(voice echoing) (objects clattering)
(tense ominous music continues)
(insects chirping)
(keys rattling)
(tense ominous music continues)
(tense ominous music continues)
(footsteps pattering)
(group whispering)
- What's going on, guys?
- I was just telling the guys
our season's officially over thanks to you.
- Yeah, thanks a lot, Sticky.
- Shut up, Ralph. I didn't do anything.
- Yeah, right. 'Cause of you
the cops are on to us, man.
- This is your last cut.
- No, come on, Bobby. You can't do this.
- No, it's already done.
You're off the team.
(Sticky muttering)
- No, I'm the one who
gets to decide when it's over.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, man.
What are you doing?
- Sticky. Put down that gun.
- [Ralph] Come on, man, don't do anything-
- Shut your face, Ralph.
- Oh, my God.
- Whoa, hey, hey, hey.
That's far enough, man.
- Hey, come on, Sticky.
We're all friends here.
- Are we? Are you serious, man?
You all betrayed me.
- That's not true.
- I don't wanna hear it!
You ratted me out.
(tense ominous music)
Put all the money in that box.
- Man...
- Okay.
(tense ominous music continues)
Sticky, just put down the gun
and we can forget
about all this, all right?
- Can we, Bobby?
I'm getting real sick and tired
of you telling me what to do.
- Sticky, this doesn't sound like you.
- You don't know me!
None of you know what I've been through.
- Just put your money in the box.
Just put your money in the box!
- All right, all right, all right. Here.
(tense ominous music continues)
(gun clicking)
- There. You satisfied?
- I want what's in the
safe and the Beanie Babies.
- Sticky, look, you won, okay?
But you gotta leave us with something.
Wait, Sticky!
- Go to the safe or I shoot her.
- Sticky, please, man.
- Bobby! (gunshots booming)
- Sticky! Sticky, okay, okay.
(Ralph grunting) (tense ominous music)
(safe beeping and whirring)
(safe chimes)
(Ralph whimpering)
- In the box.
(tense ominous music continues)
Now your season's over.
(footsteps pattering)
(tense pensive music)
(boxes clattering)
(footsteps pattering)
(door thudding)
(Sarah gasps) (Bobby screams)
(keyboard clacking)
- What are you eating?
- Tamales. You want some?
- Where'd you get 'em?
- The store.
- No thanks.
- Are you sure? There's
plenty to go around.
- Yeah, I'm sure.
I only eat real tamales
and those just don't cut it.
You might as well have brought a
sandwich, 'cause those smell like butt.
(keyboard clacking) (coworker groans)
(alert chimes)
- No way.
- It cannot be this easy.
(cell phone buzzing) (Jack stirring)
- Who on earth would be
calling at this time of night?
(television actors chattering)
- It's probably about the
case, baby. It's Marcus.
(television actors chattering)
- So you don't have
time for us tonight, huh?
You know it's a family
tradition to sit down
and watch "It's a Wonderful Life."
- [Marcos] Maria, I-
- Oh, I don't want to hear it, Marcos.
I told you about tonight a week ago.
And if you do this on
Navidad, you are going
to get more than a lump
of coal in your stocking.
- [Marcos] I'm sorry, sis.
Something important has come up.
Can you put Jack on?
- Oh, fine. I don't want
to talk to you anyway.
(Maria grunts)
(Maria speaking Spanish)
Marcos, never listens.
- Hey, buddy. What's up?
(indistinct)
- Listen, we got a hit
on the Beanie Babies.
Computer geeks traced
the PP and got an address.
- That's an IP address.
- [Jack] Ah, is that a
certain Sally I hear with you?
- Yeah, well, yeah. I mean,
we're going through the case.
- [Jack] Going over
the case at nine o'clock?
- Just be ready. We're gonna
pick you up in 15 minutes.
- I'll be ready.
(television noises)
(Maria speaking Spanish)
Where are you going?
- [Actor] Doesn't get in a
situation like this every day.
- [Marcos] Sorry, babe.
- [Actor 2] I thought you had my robe.
- [Actor] Not in Bedford Falls, anyway.
(Maria speaking Spanish) Always Marcos.
- Sorry to cut the date short.
- You said date.
- I did?
- Yeah, you did.
- Well, I guess I'll make it up to you.
(sirens wailing) (tense suspenseful music)
(Sticky grunting and panting)
(tense suspenseful music continues)
- Cover the perimeter.
(officer answers indistinctly)
(footsteps rustling)
(tense suspenseful music continues)
(police radio chattering) (Sticky panting)
(dramatic suspenseful music)
(police radio chattering)
(Sticky gasps)
(police radio chattering indistinctly)
- Looks like we're at the right place.
(police radio chattering)
(tense suspenseful music)
(police radio crackling) (Sticky panting)
(door knocking)
(door banging and creaking)
(door slams) (tense ambient music)
(tense ominous music)
(footsteps pattering)
(tense ominous music continues)
(footsteps pattering)
(door creaking)
(gun clicking)
(curtain whooshing) (footsteps pattering)
(tense ominous music continues)
(Jack panting)
(footsteps pattering)
- Bedroom all clear.
- Hold on.
Sticky.
We know you're still here, bud.
(tense suspenseful music)
(footsteps pattering)
(dramatic suspenseful music)
(gunshots booming)
- [Officer] Gun fired!
(dog barking) (insects chirping)
(cars whooshing)
(pen scrawling)
- How was your evening, mi amor?
(gentle pensive music)
- Not good.
- What happened?
- I shot a kid
and over a stupid stuffed animal. (panting)
He's all right now, but...
- Oh, Jack.
I'm sorry.
You are a good papa and Grandpa,
and husband.
(Maria speaking Spanish) With a big heart.
That is why I love you so much. (sniffling)
(gentle pensive music)
- If he had just come
out when we called him,
instead of hiding under the bed.
I guess that makes him
the coward of the county.
(bright upbeat music)
- What?
(suitcase thuds)
- Sears. 1973.
(suitcase thuds)
'74.
- Don't speak until we speak to you.
- Ooh. Scared.
- You definitely should be.
- All right. I got this.
All right, we know you
didn't do all those jobs alone.
- Why? You don't think I'm smart enough?
- Well that, and we suspect
one of your coworkers
from the pizza joint.
- That, and you can't
be in two places at once.
- Look, I already confessed.
What more do you want from me?
- Son, you're all out of aces here.
The best thing you can do is cooperate,
and maybe we'll cut you a deal.
- I ain't your son.
Besides, you freaking shot me.
(table slamming)
- All right.
(Marcos seething)
- Whatever. Whatever. (sighs)
Even if I knew something, not saying I do,
because I'm not an
idiot, I ain't no snitch.
- Where's the stuff you stole, Kenny?
- Goodwill. Great organization.
- Okay, I see. You
think you're a tough guy.
Well, with your record,
you'll be doing 20 easy,
then we'll see how tough you are.
- I ain't got no record, pig.
- Watch your mouth, boy.
You watch your mouth.
- Maybe a night in our holding
cell will change your tune.
- Depends. What kind of tunes you guys got?
- [Sarah] Yeah, we're all set here.
- 1974. That's what it is.
(gentle pensive music)
- Well, I guess the mayor's gonna have
to wait a little longer for you.
- What do we have here?
Hey, buddy. You missing a package?
- Well, yeah. Still waiting
on Maria's Christmas gift.
- Think you're in luck.
- Yeah, that's the
company I ordered it from.
That's weird.
- What?
- Doesn't look like it's been shipped.
Pull up, uh, that Santa's
Texas Workshop website.
(gentle whimsical
music) (keyboard clacking)
- You know what?
I bet our guys can track
the EP address from this site.
- (laughs) It's called...
Never mind.
- You know, let, let's
compare a list of stolen items
with the website and see what we find.
(sirens wailing)
(car engine revving)
(tense suspenseful music)
(feet shuffling)
(tense suspenseful music continues)
- Clear.
(door rattling)
(footsteps pattering)
(tense suspenseful music)
Clear.
- Clear.
(tense ominous music)
Clear.
- [Sally] Clear.
(tense ominous music continues)
(footsteps pattering)
(footsteps shuffling)
(tense ominous music continues)
- Dang it. It seems like they're always
one step ahead of us, man.
- Not over yet. We still got the PO box.
Should have something on that tomorrow.
(drone buzzing)
- Oh, heck no.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Not again.
(tense suspenseful music)
(drone whooshing)
(dramatic suspenseful music)
- Just keep this on the down low.
- Yeah, we don't need the office knowing
we just got outsmarted by a toy.
- Technically they're (indistinct)
- Oh, man.
- Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.
- (sighs) Stupid drone.
(dramatic suspenseful
music) (drone whooshing)
(drone buzzing)
- Ah, got it. (sighs)
- [Bobby] There we go.
- Perfect.
- Good idea flagging the
police station's IP address, babe.
- Ah, I mean, after the
last little run in we had
with the cops, figured
it wasn't a bad idea.
- Well, as long as Sticky doesn't talk,
we'll be in the clear.
- I mean, the only thing we have left
to worry about is the PO Box.
But good luck finding
Santa at the North Pole.
(Bobby laughs)
- Go, go, go, go, go, go.
- Yeah!
- [Friend] Woo-hoo, woo-hoo!
- Come on, get 'em.
- Hello, hello?
(speaking Spanish)
- Marcos. What a surprise.
- [Child] Uncle Marcos, Marcos!
- Uncle!
- Hey. Grab these, grab these, buddy.
Hey, sweetie.
- Oh, come on.
Come on, Grace.
(speaking Spanish) What a surprise.
Little sister.
- How are you?
- Oh, I'm fine, fine.
- You look real good.
- So uh, this must be the
senorita I've been hearing
so much about from Jack.
- This is Sally.
- That's me.
It's uh...
- Sally, this is my sister.
- It's a pleasure to
finally meet you, Maria.
(Maria speaking Spanish) Nice to meet you.
- Uncle Marcos, can we open our presents now?
- I mean, you gotta ask Mom.
- Not until Christmas, honey.
- Come on, Mom. Just one?
- I have a better idea.
Let's see if you two can
find the Christmas pickles
that I have hidden in the tree.
If you find them, you
will get a special gift.
(indistinct)
- [Maria] They hidden.
- [Grace] We will see about that Hunter.
(bright whimsical music)
- Ah! Good. (squealing)
- I found it.
- Hold on. Ah, this one.
There.
- You're getting close. Keep looking.
(group chattering)
- [Maria] Very special.
- [Grace] I see it.
- [Maria] Wait, wait, wait,
wait. Let me get it for you.
- Hey, can I see that package, please?
- Yeah, you can see it.
- Let's open it, let's
open it, let's open it.
(bright whimsical music continues)
- [Jack] It's got your name and everything.
- Those pickles turned out to be popular.
- Tell me about it.
I wish I would've been picked
for the so-called Secret Santa.
- Ah, don't worry, sweetie.
Santa took very good
care of you too this year.
- Ah, thanks, Ma.
- [Maria] Yeah. (laughs)
- So, Marcos, how long have you
and Sally been seeing each other?
- Oh, we're, we're taking things slowly.
- Ah, I see.
- [Mayor] Yes, there was a
box of glass Christmas pickles
I ordered for my staff.
- Oh, gosh. I've served
what, 10 years so far?
- 10 years of a life sentence, Mister.
(group laughing)
- What is it, Marcos?
- Hey, sis.
Did you purchase that glass pickle
from the same website you shared with Jack?
(Maria speaking Spanish) Yes, why?
- What are the odds of
the whole group having
that exact glass pickle?
- Who feels like pizza?
- I'll drive.
- Where do you all think
you're going? It's Christmas Eve.
- Crime doesn't take a holiday, sis.
- Don't worry, Maria. I
promise this won't take long.
(Maria groans)
- It's okay, Mom. It's okay.
(Maria groans)
- I can't believe we lost the warehouse.
- Yeah, do you really
think Sticky ratted us out?
- Maybe. Dude pretty much
just looks out for himself.
So wouldn't surprise me.
- Guys, it's not a big deal.
We covered our tracks
pretty good. We should be fine.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But we still need to way low. All right?
Give us time to think about moving
our operation to another state next year.
- Well...
- As long it's not the East coast,
'cause you know, I don't
like the cold weather.
(sirens wailing) (tires screeching)
- Yo, there's cops! Go, go, go.
- [Bobby] Go out the back. Out the back.
- [Ralph] Go, go, go. Move this.
- [Bobby] Go, go, go, go, go.
- Freeze!
- Freeze!
- Dang it.
(sirens wailing) (tense suspenseful music)
- Got you this time.
- Follow your buddy here.
Get down on your knees right now.
Let's go.
- Fine.
- Let's go.
- Fine, fine.
- Go on, do it.
- Okay.
- Get him outta here.
(gentle whimsical music) (insects chirping)
- Not bad for your first case, Detective.
- I'm just glad you were
able to keep up with me.
- (laughs) Good one.
- Let's get out of here. It's cold.
- Yeah.
(tense energetic music)
- Merry Christmas, East Texas.
And a bit of a Christmas miracle last night
as Santa Claus was arrested.
Not the one you're thinking about.
These are the ones who
were dressing up as pirates
and stealing packages off of your porches.
They were arrested and
charged with the theft
of over $60,000 worth of packages.
For the time being, it seems these guys are
on Santa's naughty list.
- Mom, Dad, wake up.
- Oh, Gracie.
- Santa came!
- (grunts) Just give us, like,
five more minutes, sweetie.
- Yeah, honey.
- Oh...
- Oh, okay.
- No, now, Dad.
Mom.
- Okay, sweetie.
- Hunter's already trying
to open the presents.
- What?
- No, I'm not.
- Okay, okay. Come on, sweetie.
I'll get the coffee started.
All right, I'm coming.
- I'm coming. (grunts)
Five more minutes.
(bright gentle music)
Holly hanging cross the door
Neighbors singing tales of yore
It's so close
Hardly can wait
Waking up on Christmas
Children dreaming
Without a care
'Tis the season
Most everywhere
So come home
There's no better place
Waking up on Christmas Day
Grab your stocking
Above the fire
Bells are rocking
To the choir
No, nothing
Else is the same
Waking up on Christmas Day
Whoa
- Merry Christmas, Jenny.
(bright gentle music continues)
Mm waking up on Christmas day
Tinsel wrapped around the tree
Snowflakes dancing
In the street
Presents tied up
With a string
For you
And me
So grab your stocking
Above the fire
- Right on time.
Bells are rocking
To the choir
- Hi.
- Hey.
No, nothing
Else is the same
- Thank you.
Waking up on Christmas Day
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Well, you clean up real nice, Detective.
- Oh, likewise.
- Thanks.
(Sally laughs)
I have something for you.
- You do?
- Yeah.
A little something.
- For me?
- It's for you.
- (laughs) What could this be?
Oh, my goodness. Mystic.
(Marcos chuckles)
How did you...
- I figured the mayor owed me one,
and I saw how you lit up at the thing.
- Thank you, Marcos.
- You're welcome.
(bright gentle music)
- Wow. Well, that's what I call a peso.
- Beso (kiss). Y-you said you, you said peso (weight).
You mean beso (kiss). (laughs)
Did you learn your Spanish at A&M?
- Stop it. (Marcos chuckles)
(group chattering)
- Okay.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Yes.
- Here we are.
- Yes, these are her famous tamales.
Oh, my gosh.
- Let's get this party going.
- Emily and Maria, you've
really outdone yourself.
Oh, this looks delicious.
- Oh, gracias.
- Ah, you're welcome.
- I helped too.
- You did?
- Yes, you did, sweetie.
- And what was your
favorite part about helping?
- The masa. It's like Play-Doh.
(group laughing)
- Let's stop talking and start eating.
- Not before grace.
- Hear that, Hunter? I get to eat first.
- Stop it.
- She's a riot.
- She sure is.
- Please,
please, don't encourage her. (laughs)
- Hey, Jack, if you don't mind,
I think I'd like to say
the blessing this time.
- Lead the way, partner.
- Lord, thank You for my beautiful family
and for bringing Sally into my life.
And for the wonderful
Christmas message shared
by Father Joseph to remind us of the hope
that You bring into all of our lives.
And Father, before we
dig into this incredible meal,
I wanna give a special
thanks for my sister Maria,
who's always willing and definitely ready
to pop me upside the head with her chancla
anytime she sees fit and
when I need it the most.
Amen.
- [Group] Amen.
- Y'all ready to dig in or what?
- [Group] Yes.
(group chattering and laughing)
Oh
(bright gentle music)
Oh
It came upon
A midnight clear
That glorious song
Of old
From voices waiting
Near the earth
To touch
Our harps of gold
Oh
Oh
Oh
(tense eerie music)
(tense energetic music)
(tense energetic music continues)
(tense eerie music)
(tense eerie music continues)
(film reel clicking)