Qwerty (2012) Movie Script
[SILENCE]
[HORSE WHINNYING]
[BRIGHT SYNTH MUSIC #]
- Hi.
- Hi.
You looking for
a little Scrabble action?
- You a player?
- A little.
We use Scrabble clocks.
Once you've placed all
the letters, you hit the timer.
You have 25 minutes.
If you go over, there's
a 10 point penalty.
- Per minute.
- We use American English only.
If it's not in this book,
it's not a word.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS #]
[ALL] Wow!
[PENSIVE MUSIC #]
[KEYS CLATTERING]
Tohzah.
T-O-H-Z-A-H.
Tohzah. Tohzah.
T-O-H...
I'm gonna get you, Tohzah.
Not anything backwards.
Not Hebrew.
What is Tohzah?
Not Arabic.
You are an enigma!
[GRUNTING]
Are you a tit-man?
Klingon!
This guy in Skokie tried getting
a plate with the F-word
written in Klingon.
[ALARM BUZZING]
[ALARM STOPS]
[MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC #]
[SIGHS]
[PHONE RINGING]
Hi Katie. It's me.
You coming to my dad's birthday?
Yeah. That's coming up.
It's five weeks away, Zoe.
If you're coming,
you need to RSVP
and make definitive
plans to be there.
Yeah. Wow.
So, what're you gonna get him?
Something nice
that he will cherish.
Anyway, how are the kids?
Look. I... I need to go.
I'm really busy today.
Okay. Well, say 'hi'
to the kids for-
me.
[PA ANNOUNCER]
Your safety is important.
If you observe
unattended packages,
vandalism,
or suspicious activity,
inform C.T.A...
[SAD PIANO MUSIC #]
Jesus came to me again, Marty.
Marty!
Jesus came to me again.
Really, Lewis? Wow.
This time he came in the form
of a giant rooster.
Rooster, huh?
I asked him why it is
he put us on this Earth.
Good question, Lewis!
You know what he said?
Well, you know what he said?
The Jesus-rooster? No clue.
He said he couldn't remember.
He said I should
ask him again later.
Ask again later? What?
Jesus is a magic 8-ball now?
That sucks.
Well, he's been through a lot.
Hey! Hey you!
Did you know
Jesus is a magic 8-ball?
Hey!
- Hey, Mart.
- Hey, Bear.
You brought your lunch.
That's smart, man.
I never bring my lunch.
And I get all hungry
and I gotta spend
$2.50 at the vending machine
for Frito-Lay's.
That's why I'm fat.
Frito-Lay's, man. Whatchoo got?
Sandwich.
What're you both doing here?
You're not both
supposed to be here.
Whose shift is it?
Marty, you're not supposed
to be here.
I got you down for tomorrow.
- Day shift. 9 a.m.
- Seriously?
- Yeah. It's on the calendar!
- During the day?
- Yeah.
- With people?
- Hey! You wanna switch?
- What's the problem?
Come on, man.
That's why I make this schedule.
For you to look at,
not for my health.
[VAPID ELEVATOR MUSIC #]
We are live at the N.S.C.
The Nation Scrabble
Championship.
And man, things were
heating up inside there!
Letters were flying
left and right.
Dirk Frankie, you cannot catch a
break. Three-time runner up.
[LAUGHS] My bad. How does it
feel to always be
the bridesmaid
yet, never the bride?
Oh. Cut the witticisms.
That is luck that Williams won.
He's dancing around the two
letter words like it's...
December.
And then he just happens
to luck out
on saving his Z to the very end.
That's just... That's ridiculous,
okay? I got two bingos!
Yes. Can't let those be
forgotten. Alright, Dirk.
Are you gonna be giving it
another go?
Or has Vanna
turned your last letter?
I will spell to the death!
Oo! We've got Bill Williams,
this year's winner.
Uh... Best luck to you
next time, Dirk.
Bill! Bill! Could you come on
over here. Congratulations!
Bill, gotta a couple of questions
for you. Wanna find out first,
how did you manage to
pull it off?
I don't know.
I honestly didn't think
I'd make it out of
the quarter-finals.
I was playing a master.
I think the stress got to him.
He played "Kim Jong-Il." That's
clearly a Star Wars character.
You can't do proper nouns.
And I squeaked out.
Uh, made it to the next round,
- and the streak kept going.
- What?
We've got a lot of folks who
are watching at home.
You need arms.
Possibly some kids who are
thinking about
giving Scrabble
tournament play a try.
Any advice for the youngsters?
Yeah, I guess I would say... Um
Go for it! Follow your dreams.
You know. There-there's a lot
to be learned
from the Scrabble board.
Uh, character.
You know. Courage.
Stuff like that
and uh... and so...
Just, you know, do it.
And, and um...
regardless of what your
friends call you.
# I'm so confused with my life
# Things are so strange, the way
things are so weird and strange. #
# It's my life...
# but I don't understand, why oh
why oh-oh-oh why #
# I don't feel normal
# You don't understand how
it feels when I'm sad #
# I don't feel normal
# But what is normal, right?
# I hope someday,
I can be normal. #
# I hope someday, I can be...
#...normal
Rookie mistake, Ethel.
This is why I beat you
week after week... after week.
My name's Nancy
Not today, it's not. Today,
your name is...
Loser.
- [HONK]
- Ew.
Excuse me?
You didn't even do it right.
Backwards! You did it backwards.
I'm leaving. Okay, Ethel?
Don't be late next week.
- Are you waiting for a game?
- No, thank you.
[SAXOPHONE ELEVATOR MUSIC #]
[SIGHS]
Marty, you're filling in for
Dean today.
Menswear, second floor.
Did you wash your hair
this morning?
Wear this. You look like shit.
Excuse me. Could you tell me
where I could find
lady's foundations?
[EXASPERATED SIGH]
Excuse me. If you were my dad,
well, my step-dad,
what would you like?
The flask or the belt?
His 60th birthday, so
I guess it's kind of a biggie.
Um...
Oh, never mind. You're not
an asshole. How would you know?
- Have you tried Fetish for Men?
- No, thank you.
- It's scent-sational!
- I'm allergic to perfume!
- Oh no. It's cologne.
[CONTINUOUS SNEEZING]
Hey! What? Are you just
gonna stand there?
That's great, buddy.
Lot of help.
[LAUGHTER]
- Maybe it's a sock.
- I'm hoping it's not. [LAUGHTER]
- I think he had a bikini wax.
- Y-you you gotta be kidding.
We think it's a sock.
Fifty-five dollars!
How can this be happening?!
- Fifty-five dollars
for underwear?
- Sure.
- It's designer.
- No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
This! This! Definitely that...
is insanity people!
What? You! What're you doing?
- Um, buying underwear.
- No
- You don't want this.
- Yes, I do!
No, no, no, no, no.
Why do you want them?
- I-I like the ad!
[LAUGHTER]
The ad is designed to trick you
into paying 55 goddamn
dollars for underwear!
Please, give me my underwear.
No! You can't have that lying,
cheating, thieving underwear!
What're you...
What're you doing, man?
You're better
than the underwear.
You deserve more!
You're better
than your underwear.
Do you hear me?
Come on! Everyone!
Say it with me! You're better
than your underwear.
Come on!
Say it with me!
Come on! You're better
than your underwear! Come on!
Everybody!
You're better than
your underwear!
You're better than your
underwear! Come on!
I'm better than my underwear.
Yes! Yes! You, sneezing lady!
Definitely better than your
underwear. Wait!
Wait a minute! Goddammit,
I work here!
Where's the sneezing woman?
Come on guys! Come on.
This is ridiculous!
Come on! I work here nights!
Causing a scene like that
in front of paying customers!
Freedom of speech, man.
Who's in charge here?
Uh, is there something I can
help you with, miss?
- I demand you release this man!
- [BOTH]: Excuse me?
I'm a paying customer. I bought
all kinds of crap here today...
- and this man...
- I saved her life.
- Mm-hmm. When I... when I was...
- Having trouble breathing!
- B-because of all the... cologne!
- Perfume!
- Evil perfume bitch!
- She sprayed me.
Right in her face!
- And I'm allergic
and I kept sneezing.
- Cologne and perfume
are the same thing!
- It was horrible!
- She could sue.
But this man, he was the
only one to help me.
- Miss, he tried to cause a riot
in men's underwear.
I should have him arrested.
- What!?
- $55 for underwear?
- No ass is worth that much!
- I agree.
- Go away, you're fired.
- Fired?
Fired. Now leave. Both of you.
I don't want either one of you
in my store again.
Oh. And, Marty.
[UPBEAT SYNTH MUSIC #]
- I don't normally do this.
- What're you gonna do?
- No, I mean I don't normally do
what I did back there.
I'm not about to do anything.
Oh.
Well, this is my stop.
This is where I... take the bus.
Okay. Okay.
Thanks again.
Sure. Yeah.
See you around.
Okay.
- Hey, you hungry?
- Yes!
- 'Cause I could eat.
- Sounds great.
I'm Zoe Rezillo.
I'm Marty Huckhound.
Nice to meet you,
Marty Huckhound.
So, if I wanted a plate that
said, "Screw you,"
you wouldn't let me?
No, too offensive.
Plus too many letters.
I don't have a car anyways.
People try stuff
all the time and
the computer spits out
the obvious stuff,
but it's up to me
to catch the rest.
- Did you go to
college for that?
No, I was standing in line
once at the DMV
and this guy in front of me
was trying to get a dirty plate.
So, you um, ratted some guy out?
No. His plate said 4-K-U.
You know, fork you...
and I was complementing him and
then the supervisor came over
and handed me the job
on the spot.
Wow. That's impressive.
People used to make fun of me
for playing Scrabble
all the time.
What's the dirtiest,
filthiest thing
anybody has ever
wanted on a plate?
I have to write it out for you.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I don't get it.
Okay. Get rid of the space.
And then picture
how the 5's can look like S's.
Oh. Ass-orgy. That is filthy.
Oh. You wanna see
something cool?
Is it cooler than ass-orgy?
[LAUGHING]
I'll show you what
your name spells.
Okay. That's Marty Huckhound.
Dormant. Yuck. Huh.
Dormant yuck?
Okay. Wait. Hang on.
A mucky hord hunt.
A mucky thud horn.
Okay. Wait. No. Don't go away.
Got it.
Had mucky no hurt.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
I don't know, but Mucky is my
new name for you.
You're real smart, huh?
Only with words and letters
and stuff.
Nothing terribly useful.
No. I'm useless.
I can only curse
in one goddamn language.
But you do it so well.
Wow. This is kind of dangerous.
I love it here.
Especially in the winter when
it's covered in ice
and the
water is practically black.
It's dark and eerie,
but in a really beautiful way.
You know, if you slip and fall,
even in March,
you're pretty much dead.
And anyone who jumps in after
you, they'll die too.
Every now and then though,
you hear these stories
about kids
who fall in for like
twenty minutes...
...and they end up living,
because their body temperature's
have lowered so much...
they're in like a zen
state or something.
Does that work on adults, too?
I don't think so.
I think they know too much.
I remember the first time I came
here when I was a teenager.
I totally wanted to jump.
Yeah, I know that feeling.
Well, here's my car.
You don't have a
personalized plate.
Nah. I couldn't think of
anything good to say.
- I have to work tomorrow. So...
- Well, I got this bus...
[LAUGHS]
- Well you can give me your...
- I don't have a phone.
Well, I... I could
give you mine...
and you could use a pay phone.
- Yeah!
- Okay. Hold on. Here,
I'll write it down.
Okay.
- That's me. Zoe.
- Okay.
Ah, there's my
cell phone number.
And my cell doesn't have
reception at home.
So, just call this number
and that's my email.
Mmhmm.
Well, thanks for having
lunch with me.
Yea... Yeah. Sure. And...
thanks for the whole
getting me fired thing.
Yeah. Sure. Anytime.
Great.
So...
Call her, Marty.
Jesus wants you to.
Jesus also wants you to leave
your door unlocked tonight
so he and I can crash
at your place.
What're you guys doing
this weekend?
There's a concert on Saturday.
Wanna come?
[LAUGHTER]
You're so funny.
Well, then I went looking up at
the sky and then... Bam.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
Just a little joke there, but...
[MURMURING]
- Oh. Hi.
- Hi!
Mucky.
- Hey there.
- What're you doing here?
Um. I'm horse shit on the phone.
Oh so you just decided to
come by my work?
Yeah... I'm not stalking
you or anything.
No. It's ok.
My grandma once told me that my
grandpa used to stalk her,
but back then it was
called courtship.
Yeah. O-okay.
So, how long have you been here?
Long enough to realize I don't
like your co-workers very much.
Yeah. I don't like
them much either.
- Like, that guy.
- That's Ken.
Ken's an asshole.
It's hard to believe
there hasn't been
an office shooting, yet.
"Hi. I'm Ken."
"I like it when people
jerk on my tie."
"I like to sleep with my
friends' pregnant wives
when they're out of town."
"Suckle from their swelling
teets." [LAUGHS]
"I keep jars of STD's in my
fridge.
I have eighteen rare
strains of chlamydia."
"Hahahahaha."
That guy makes fun of
me all the time.
I kind of wish he'd just curl up
and die and go to hell.
[LAUGHTER]
Well,
I'm sorry you missed my lunch.
We could've sat out here
and looked at the clouds
or something.
I like to do that sometimes.
Oh man.
You're one of those people
who see stuff in clouds like...
kittens and bunnies and
president's heads and shit, huh?
One of those people? Mucky,
everyone sees stuff in clouds.
I don't.
Never?
No. Never.
Well, you should try sometime.
No.
Okay.
We should go to dinner
tomorrow night.
We should?
Yeah. Why don't you come over to
my place at seven?
And we'll eat.
At a restaurant... together.
Doesn't that sound nice?
Yeah. Nice.
Well...
...shit.
[DOORBELL]
Hi, Mucky.
Wow. You look really nice.
Thank you. You look...
Really, really nice.
Thank you.
I was gonna get you flowers,
but all the ones I could afford
looked like shit.
And then I remembered the
sneezing thing.
Yeah. Flowers are bad.
Balloons are great.
You're not allergic to latex,
are you?
No. I love it.
The balloon, I mean.
I have a coupon. So, you might
as well look at your menu.
I'm gonna get a goddam job soon,
you know?
I know.
Places like this make me
feel like shit.
Why?
I don't know.
My dad used to take me to
places like this
...when he won at the track.
He always wanted to fit in,
you know?
be just like them,
but we weren't.
Not even close.
And I never want to be
like my dad, so...
I never want to be like
these people.
But they look so happy.
"I simply must have that
Mercedes in medium sky-blue.
Not light sky-blue,
and not dark sky-blue."
"I need those papers on my desk
by seven a.m. sharp. No excuses.
[LAUGHS]
"And how was your day,
Chazwick?"
"I sold some stocks.
And some bonds...
and then, I shot three under
par-r-r at the club."
"Hmph. Lovely."
"And you?"
"I had my nails done
and lunched with the girls."
"I myself took a..."
[CLEARS THROAT]
"A long, long lunch. And, um,
bought myself a new suit."
"My, don't you look dapper."
[LAUGHS]
"Thank you."
[LAUGHTER]
And how, how was Zoe's day?
I played a game of Scrabble
and scored three bingos!
Wait, were you... were you
playing Scrabble or bingo?
Bingo's when you use
all 7 tiles in one word.
Oh!
That is amazing. And I managed
to go all the live-long day
without referring
to someone as an asshole.
That's amazing!
Yes. I also met
this fine gentleman
at a job interview
who shared my passion
for pistachios.
[LAUGHS]
We're going into business
together.
I'll be a millionaire
by the end of the week.
That's nuts!
Yes. I'll be King of the nuts.
[LAUGHS]
Sounds like we've both had a
really good day.
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
I had fun tonight, Mucky.
Yeah.
It didn't suck.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
[LAUGHTER]
[MUFFLED LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]
[MOAN]
Woo!
Thank God you bought that
family-size box of condoms.
That's the first time wishful
thinking has ever paid off!
Plus you save a lot when
you buy in bulk.
[LAUGHTER]
[DOORBELL]
Finally, pizza! I'm starving.
[DOORBELL]
God damn 'im.
he's supposed to fucking
take the money
from underneath the mat
and leave the pizza.
[DOORBELL, DOORBELL, DOORBELL]
Dammit! Can't anybody follow
directions anymore!?! [DOORBELL]
Leave the pizza, take the money!
[KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK]
The guy from Hong Kong Kitchen
last night
knew what the
hell he was doing!
Take the pizza, leave the money!
Reverse it, flip it, put it on
your dick and stick it!
[LAUGHS] Oh my God!
[SCREAM!]
Why would Mom think I was dead?
Because your work called and
told her you were dead.
- They called Mom?
- Yes, they called your mother.
- And she sent you?
- Yes.
Well, tell her I'm fine. I just
forgot to charge my phone.
For three days?
Who's the homeless guy?
- He's
- Your boyfriend?
Well I hope he's got a job,
because you're obviously not
going to have one anymore.
I haven't taken a vacation day
in three years.
You know this was a really bad
day to pull this shit, Zoe.
[SCOFFS] the kids have...
forget it.
Well I'm glad I'm alive!
What's one more day?
If they think I'm dead, they'll
hire someone else.
- Can anyone else do your job?
- Mucky.
Look, once you leave this
apartment, you'll be out there,
and you'll realize what a
huge mistake you've made,
and then you will never, ever
come back here to me.
I think you should go
to your apartment
and pack up all your stuff.
What?
Pack it up, haul it over,
I have plenty of room here.
You know I'm not
exactly housebroken.
What, you're going to
pee on my rug?
- I'll get you a litter box.
- [LAUGHS]
What if your bitch
sister comes back?
She's not the bitch,
she's the nice one.
You know that's very funny,
because I've actually been
studying this uh, art...
- ...it's called Tantra.
- Oh really?
It's very sensual...
Are you serious?
Oh my three's company!
Too much Me TV.
It's like she just raided Mr.
Roper's closet of death.
I can hear you.
Oh, I'm sorry, we thought
you were dead.
No, I wasn't dead.
I was having sex.
For thirty-six hours...
and eating take-out.
With who?
My boyfriend.
Oh really, your boyfriend?
Yeah, my boyfriend.
Oh, and I told him
all about you Ken,
and he thinks
you're an asshole.
- What's your boyfriend's name?
- Yeah, anyone we know?
No, you don't know him...
His name is Marty Huckhound.
Oh, and do I have to worry about
Marty Huckhound beating me up?
I don't know, I think he might
be bigger than you Ken,
but he's probably from Canada!
[LAUGHTER!]
Bunch of goddamn teenagers!
Uuuhhh!
Oh, that was good...
So back to this back rub...
# So it turns out that
life you lived, #
# Really wasn't worth a shit
# And all those people
that you thought you knew... #
# They don't give a
fuck about you #
# You've got to kill yourself,
kill yourself #
# Hang on, what about life?
# Hang on, who fucking cares!
# Kill yourself, yeah!
You're here!
You decided to move in.
I got you a present.
- Ta daaah
- A sock!
I love it. To make sock monkeys.
There's a matching
one in the bag.
I saw you had a monkey
with no arms.
Yeah.
What do you want to name it?
Uhhhh, I don't.
But you have to name him.
You gave him his arms.
Ummm, Mr. Sock.
Uh, okay. Doctor
Foot-Sheath the Third.
Uh, Goddamn monkey-face,
demon-boy!
Do you like that name?
Tell Mucky you like that name.
No, no monkey!
- Mucky you're not afraid
of monkeys are you?
- They're evil.
- They're socks!
So you are scared of
sock-monkeys...
and you bought me socks, knowing
full well what I'd turn them into?
That is so sweet.
- I'm scared of a lot of things too.
- Like what?
Like global warming, or plaid,
or briefcases...
Ahhh! Mucky, did you know
there's a man on our patio?
He kinda slept at my place,
and now I don't have a my place.
Wait, this is all your stuff?
There's an empty jar of
peanut butter there.
Hi, I'm Zoe.
I'm Lewis.
Hi Lewis, nice to meet you.
I hope you're hungry.
Are you a child of the Lord?
Excuse me?
Are you a child of the Lord?
I thought you were talking
to the sandwich.
[LAUGHS]
You sure act like one.
Marty, this is Mr. Davies.
He has a few questions for you
about your application.
[PEN CLICKING]
[PEN CLICKING]
[PEN CLICKING]
Uh, thanks for seeing me, man.
Zoe recommends you, and
I'd really like to hire you.
They've got me doing
this job now,
and I don't know how much
longer I can take it.
Are you good with people?
Uh yeah, I guess.
Because the people you will be
working with are quite frankly
horrible, awful people
who want nothing more
than to take all of life's
frustrations out onto you.
Yeah, people can be
real assholes.
You ever kill a man, Marty?
Nope, can't say I have.
Excellent. You're hired.
You start now. Follow me.
# You can't stop me now
# you know, you're never gonna
take me alive, everybody #
Okay.
This is invalid.
You need to fill out form 2010.
Not here. Fill it out and
get back in line.
I've been in line
for four hours.
If you've got any complaints,
save it for Mr. Huckhound.
I'll tell you what, lady!
Tell your kid not to run three
red lights on his driver's test
...maybe then the little
darling will pass!
Next!
And what's your problem?
I got a ticket, even though
I fed the meter!
You say you fed the meter,
I say potah-to.
Next!
Oop, sorry, you're late.
Everybody just left.
That's okay, I was just...
walking by.
Hey, you look familiar.
I think I just look
like someone else.
You're one of us, I can tell.
Here.
You should join us sometime.
Thanks.
- Okay are you relaxed?
- Yep
Okay, what do you see?
Nothing.
Try harder.
[EXHALES]
Yup, Yup. Nothing.
OK, look over there.
- Mmm hmm, mm hmmm...
- It's an angel.
Oh wait,
I think I see something.
Right there, right?
Yeah, you see the row,
- and the feathery wings.
- I see it! I see it!
Yeah, yeah, it's um, it's big,
and it's white, and it's blobby,
It's a cloud!
[LAUGHS]
It's a goddamn cloud.
[GUITAR MUSIC WITH WHISTLING #]
# Girl in the moon...
# I couldn't stay up
# all night like you do
You weren't hearing a word
I was saying were you?
Sometimes you look
like a ballerina.
C'mon, you've lived here
for three weeks
now you know where this
stuff goes. Come help me.
I love you.
I know, I love you too.
Come help me.
# while I am sleeping
# make sure
that I'm not dreaming #
# of floating away
into the day, no #
What you fail to realize
is that this is the
Department of Motor Vehicles,
not the Department
of Fuck Faces!
So get your balls out of my face
with your tea bagger shit.
You want to drive a car? Get in
line. Get your picture taken.
Okay? Yes, it goes in a computer.
Yes, it keeps track of you.
No, it's not socialist.
No, it's not communist.
But if you're not nice, I'll get
my good buddy Dwayne back there
to photoshop a pearl necklace on it
and post it all over the internet!
Outta here!
Next!
[PHONE RINGS]
And what the fuck do you want?
Hi Mucky, it's me.
I'm going to the library today at lunch,
do you want me to get you anything?
Ummm, maybe some
hardcore bondage porn,
Juicy fruits, Tylenol,
definitely.
I don't think the
library has any porn.
- Maybe some condoms.
- Or condoms.
Actually, they might have some condoms in the
bathroom. I've never noticed. I'll check.
Ok, ribbed for her pleasure,
if they have it.
Freak. Bye.
What?
[CAR HORN HONKS]
See if you'd made that a D
instead of an S,
you would have switched
it around and had 'Decor'
- which would have left your O open.
- Yeah.
- Hi!
- Hi.
You looking for a little
Scrabble action?
You a player?
First person we've had
under 50 in a while.
Let's make this fast,
I gotta get back to work.
- Hi, I'm Holly.
- Hi.
This is Amber and Nancy.
That's Jake.
We are die-hard word nerds.
I'm Zoe, I'm on my
lunch break too.
We use Scrabble clocks.
If it's not in this book,
it's not a word.
[ALL] Wow!
- Word Nerds?
- I beat them both.
I mean, I beat them bad.
That's great, you're queen
of the word nerds.
There's more.
I did something today that
I've always wanted to do.
I entered the National
Scrabble Championships.
Is that real?
Really, you're kidding me?
No, I'm not kidding, but now
I'm kinda freaking out about it.
Why? You're the only person
I know who could spell...
7 words that start with Q
and don't use U?
Qaid, qat, qanat, qiviut,
qintar, qoph, qwerty.
Qwerty? What's a qwerty?
It's the standard
English keyboard.
Qwerty. It's the top
row of letters.
- You're not even making that up.
- [LAUGHS]
You are... really... really...
smart.
Oh, no. Q words, that's just
yellow belt shit.
You just have to have those
words memorized or you're screwed.
A Q is worth 10 points, you don't
want to be stuck with it at the end.
I bet you'll beat all
those other word weirdos.
[PIANO MUSIC #]
Marty!
Hey Lewis.
I been looking for you.
You forgot the sandwich
Zoe made for you.
Do you know the temperature
of the water today, Lewis?
No.
It's 35 degrees.
You know how cold the water has
to be to kill you of hypothermia?
No.
Anything under your body
temperature
and you'll get hypothermia
if you're in it long enough.
Anything under 40 degrees, and you'll
lose use of your limbs within 2 minutes.
She made one for me too.
I'm not sure which one is yours
and which one is mine.
Mine's probably got wheat bread.
She asked me whether I like white
or wheat bread, and I said white.
She said I should eat wheat
because it's better for me.
That Zoe, she's a good woman.
Yeah.
What the hell's she
doing with me, Lewis?
I'm sure she'll wise up any
minute now and leave.
Do you like ferrets, Lewis?
Most people think they're
rodents, but they're not.
No way.
You know they're
illegal in 14 states?
Ummm... No.
Yeah.
When I was a kid,
my mom had a litter of them.
It was summer, and after school, I was
supposed to bring the babies in from outside.
But I forgot,
'cause I was watching TV.
Well, when I remembered,
I went out and I got the box...
I brought them inside and
I went back to watching TV...
'cause, the ferrets were boring.
Then my mom got home.
She went, looked in the box,
and guess what?
They were all dead.
All of them.
They were in the sun too long.
Do you know what
I'm saying, Lewis?
Do you know what
I'm trying to tell you?
Uhhh... I guess it's
like a parable?
Exactly.
Ummm, Zoe's like the
Good Samaritan,
and, I'm the... the...
The ferrets?
No! No, Lewis.
Zoe is the ferrets...
and... forget the Samaritan!
I'm the me, Zoe's the ferrets.
I kill ferrets.
I ruin everything that is good.
Everything I love, I ruin.
And I loved those ferrets.
I thought you said the
ferrets were boring.
[SEAGULLS CALLING]
I'm supposed to meet Zoe's
parents tonight.
Then you better not
jump in the lake.
[PIANO MUSIC #]
God Damn!
You grew up here? Nice.
Oh! Fire in the fireplace.
You know I've never actually
seen that before.
Would you please get out of the
bushes? They'll call the police.
You mean they don't
know I'm coming?
[LAUGHS] Oh, this is gonna be
a goddamn barrel of laughs.
Katie already thinks I'm a
cross-dressing, homeless serial killer.
Oh, it's only you.
One of the kids thought he
saw Bigfoot in the window.
Katie, you remember Marty.
Marty, Katie.
It never occurred to me
you'd actually bring him.
Virginia is going to have to
set another place at the table.
You guys even have a maid?
Virginia is my mother.
Just stay close to me, OK?
Let's get this over with.
Zoe, who's this?
Lizzy, this is my boyfriend,
Marty.
Marty, this is
my oldest sister, Lizzy.
Since when are boyfriends
allowed at Daddy's birthday?
I didn't even bring Grant
until we were engaged.
- Hey um, how many boyfriends
has Zoe had?
[WHISPERS] Marty.
Only one that I remember.
What was his name?
Gordy something or other?
Had a limp.
Whatever became of him, Zoe?
He cheated on me.
Yes, that's right.
Zoe, is that you?
I need you in the kitchen.
Ahhh ahh! Are you bigfoot?
No, I am Marty, who are you?
This little guy is Luke,
and I'm Jonathan,
Katie's husband.
Marty, Zoe's boyfriend.
Ahh, nice. Well, welcome to the
annual nice of awkwardness.
Hey, is the old guy as big an
A-hole as he looks?
You might watch that, he can
probably hear you.
...roll me over, lay me down
and do it again.
[LAUGHTER]
Ha ha ha ha.
Marty, how did you meet our Zoe?
Ummm... at work I guess.
Yeah, I was shopping at the mall
and I saw Marty working
in the men's department.
You sell men's socks, Marty?
No, Bob.
I was working security, but now
I work at the DMV with Zoe.
You look for dirty
words all day too?
No, Marty is second in command
at the public affairs office.
Well, that sounds like an
important job.
people come to me to complain and
I tell them where they can stick it.
Well, you should get a
job as Bigfoot!
I'll keep that in mind, kid.
Eat your asparagus, Luke.
No, No. That's a good idea.
Bigfoot doesn't really
have a job...
so I think I could handle it.
I mean, I sure wouldn't be late
to work, that's for sure.
Ha.
Let's get to the fun part
of the evening.
Well, Virginia...
It looks like Lizzy and Grant
are giving us a wine
tour of Tuscany.
Ahhhh, that sounds lovely.
Excellent choice, Lizzy
And as you all know,
Lizzy is the number-two real
estate agent on the Gold Coast.
Seven thousand.
And let's just hope
next year, you are number-one.
For his birthday he likes to
show off his generosity.
- And a grandchild would be nice.
- It's weird.
Alright, Katie, what
have we got?
It's a custom-made shirt, Dad.
And the tie too.
- We know it's
your favorite color.
It's the same color
as your Mercedes, Bob.
Huh.
A thousand. You better put this
in the kid's college fund.
Thanks, Bob.
Sorry.
Zoe?
What the hell is it?
It's a kaleidoscope.
- That looks like
very nice leather, Bob
What the hell am I supposed
to do with this?
Well, I know your job is
kinda stressful...
So I just figured that
with this,
you could take a moment
whenever you needed
just to look through it,
and look at the shapes,
and colors, and patterns.
It's super relaxing.
Zoe, do I look like
some burned out hippie to you?
- Now, Bob.
- No. Virginia, I want her to answer this
and explain... this... and...
Look at you, the way you live...
who you live with.
She always does this.
Always makes everyone upset!
- What?
- We all try to understand you!
- Bullshit.
- What was that?
- I said bullshit.
- We don't appreciate-
Well I don't appreciate you
treating me like shit!
Okay, I get it. I'm not
part of your little family.
I mean that used to
make me feel bad,
but tonight,
after being here...
I am goddamn happy not to be
one of you people!
How dare you!
- Lizzy, you are such a bitch!
- Woah.
Do you want to know what happened
between me and Gordy Menick?
I'll tell you what happened!
I caught Lizzie & Gordie boning
away in Bob & Virginia's bed!
Lizzie, how could you?
He had a limp!
Zoe stop it, we get your point.
Katie.
Don't you remember
when we were kids,
how you used to braid my hair
before we'd go to school?
Now you don't even tell me how
the kids are doing when I call.
- I want you out of here.
- Bob, you're just a total dick!
May I add something, babe?
- Yeah go ahead,
dick sums it up for me.
These obnoxious shrews, and
their bitchy little husbands...
...not you Jonathan,
you're kinda cool...
are trying to buy your love.
Zoe would have
given it to you for free.
That's pathetic dude.
No... And if there's one
thing in this life...
that I know intimately,
its pathetic.
...and you Bob...
you take the fucking cake.
Come on, babe.
Should I?
- Assholes.
- I don't ever want to go back there.
You never, ever have to.
Ha ha, all time record low.
A hundred bucks.
Let's cash this before they
have a chance to stop payment.
[PIANO MUSIC #]
# Longest day...
# The hardest stand
# The lonesome road that I've
been told will never end #
# Some thoughts will change
# Some rain will fall
# And all the stains
set in stone #
# will be washed
from the wall #
# I hope you're right...
# This feels right
# Every cold whisper...
# Every dark fear
# Just dissipates into
sad souls longing to feel #
# To feel what we feel
# To feel right
# Cause I know
you're right... #
Xanathine.
X-A-N-A-T-H-I-N-E. Xanathine.
Xanthoria. X-A-N-T-H-O-R-I-A.
Xanthoria.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm in training.
Hey, could you make more coffee?
- Hmmm, training for what?
- A Scrabble championship.
You know if you're finishing the last of the
coffee, it'd be really nice if you'd make more.
That's impressive. Oh, can you
spell complete fucking waste of time?
Too many letters. Ah, See.
[SNICKERS]
Son of a bitch.
Zoe, I think what you're doing
is brave, crazy crazy brave...
and more than a little sexy.
I used to play a little
competitive air-guitar myself.
Weaaaah, B-na naa nau neoww...
Waaaah, wah, wah, wah...
Whammy bar. Waah wawahhh...
Taps!
Nana-l-na-l-na-l-na-lauw...
[PHONE RINGS] You guys suspended
my driver's license
...for ticket I got
in Kentucky last Thanksgiving
that I've already paid.
I've already paid this.
Oh dude, come on!
- [LAUGHS] Well I'm good at a lot of things.
- Yeah. [LAUGHS]
Excuse me Ken,
can I talk to you for a minute?
Yeah, who are you?
Wow! Jesus, Ken. That's quite a
bleach job you got going there.
Is that, uh, covered under
our dental plan?
No, I pay extra.
Who the hell are you?
Marty Huckhound.
Zoe's boyfriend.
The girl you like to
make fun of.
Oh, you're real, huh?
Yeah, I'm real, and I work in
the complaints department.
And this morning... Zoe had a
complaint of her own.
The coffee.
Yep, we-we-we have it.
You didn't make more.
Oh that, well...
Yeah well, you pissed her off.
Um, what exactly is your job
description here Ken?
I'm a systems analyst.
It's not asshole?
Excuse me?
Is that a very sought
after position?
Ha ha, what are you
talking-yes, yes it is.
Oh, so would it be a problem
if say...
you didn't show up
at work tomorrow?
Or would somebody else be happy
to step up and fill in your shoes?
Look, weirdo... I'm not
talking to you, slut-face!
Hey hey hey, I don't want to
have to kick your ass.
And I don't want to have
to kick your ass!
Oh really? And what makes you
think that would happen?
'Cause I work out, and um,
you.. don't.
And I have a green belt in
Hopkido, and you... clearly don't.
But you see,
what you don't understand
is that I have anger and rage
...that's been brewing in my ass
for about thirty-three years now.
So you make the call, Ken.
Do you want to risk it?
Because I'm not gonna get fired!
'Cause no one wants
my fucking job, Ken!
[SNARLS]
You're an asshole, Ken.
And I'm a crazy sonofabitch
who'll do anything in his power
to keep that woman...
...from being as
miserable as you and me.
Capisce?
Capisce.
- Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you o
- I'm great. Are you okay?
I'm fine.
[ANNOUNCER] The last few days
have graced us
with some amazing words.
Here are some of the highlights,
some of the shorter
but sweeter words.
Qindars is one.
Of course starting with a Q,
that's a powerful word.
We've got Juju. That's simple, but
two very high scoring letters in there.
Liri, Obia, Kudu.
Then we've got Tranq. It's like
Tranquilizer, but without the uilizer.
Then we've got AAL. Now that's a
word that would have stumped me.
I'm quite amazed that no one
called objection to that.
It looks to me like an abbreviation.
Of course, that's not allowed.
Looking to see if that's
an actual word.
Of course
the instincts tell us no,
...it doesn't look like one.
But... it turns out it is.
Had Johnson called the objection,
ah... it wouldn't have helped him.
- moving on...
- Nice.
...another great word, Puja.
- That's good, but what if
they did this?
Zebu, that's of course,
very high scoring.
We've got Fixt, with a T. That's just a
four letter word, but it packs a punch.
Now talk about
packing a punch...
- Personal best!
- Yes!
Zax. Simple. Powerful.
It's rare that someone has the opportunity
to play those two letters at the same time.
Practice your two-letter words,
Because everyone goes for the
bingos, the seven letters.
Obviously that's great stuff, but if
you don't build, uh, from the bottom up,
with, with your 2-letters
and your 3-letters,
...because the 2-letters, that's where you
play, you got your parallel, parallel plays
and that's, that's the big money right
there, and that's how I got here today.
I, I saw a lot of good plays out there...
but I, but I, I went in here and I said,
'No one's gonna beat me at
the parallel plays.'
That's great advice, too-
Jim I understand that you've never entered a
formal Scrabble tournament before. Is this true?
Uh, yes that is true.
So you're an impostor?
This is a game for you?
Huh? Never mind the 100's of thousands of
people who eat and sleep and breath Scrabble
as a puzzle... to be solved!
I won fair and square.
Blasphemer! I call your bluff,
and I challenge him next year!
[RECORDING]: I am confident.
- I am confident.
[RECORDING]: I have the heart
of a mighty warrior.
I have the heart of a
mighty warrior.
Four letter words with J
and K... Go now.
Jack, joke, jerk, juke,
other jouk, jock.
Penis.
They might try to throw you.
You gotta be ready.
[TIMER CLICK]
Nice.
Zoe.
Got a new curse word for you...
Horshack.
It's a new sex move.
It's when you hum 'Welcome Back,
Kotter' while having oral-sex.
Take a note.
[HUMS TO SELF]
[STOPWATCH]
- Come on, Marty. Seven letters.
- Okay.
Count 'em up.
Quick, quick, quick.
You're falling behind. Come on.
[FUMBLES TILES]
Marty, come on.
I, I'm, I... I'm no good at
Scrabble, okay.
Ah... pcht.
- Marty.
- Zoe come on.
Jake, you're up.
[SNAPS] Let's go.
Focus.
- Okay...
- Yeah, he's just-
He's fine. You're fine.
Let's go.
[ZIPPER UNZIPS]
She's good.
Yeah, she's good.
[MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC #]
It's late, Mucky.
Are you okay?
Just can't sleep.
What are you doing up?
I wanted to clean the kitchen.
At one in the morning?
Don't you have words
to memorize?
I don't think there are
any more words.
Pills?
Where did you get those?
They were my backup plan.
Kind of a girlie-girl
way to go out, don't-
I was going to
wash them down with whiskey.
Still thinking about using them?
No.
I haven't even thought
about them
since that night
at my family's house.
That's funny.
I haven't thought about offing
myself since I met you.
Really?
Yeah.
# I always knew
you'd break my heart #
# That you would see
the end before I did #
# Why I closed my eyes...
# I'll never know why...
# I'll never know why
# And in my hand
I cradle glue #
# Scavenge for the bits
that broke off you #
# Why you had to try,
I'll never know why #
#..I'll never know why
The word weirdos are here.
- Is she freaking out?
- I don't know.
Oh, I'm a flipping mess! I
didn't sleep at all last night.
Shirts!
- Come on, we gotta get moving.
- Okay, hang on a sec.
Marty, come on. Let's go...
Marty.
Go on without me.
Lewis isn't here yet.
- Marty.
- Go.
Come on.
[ANNOUNCER] Dallas, Dayton,
Orlando and now Chicago...
for the 17th Annual
National Scrabble
Championship Tournament.
- I'm Parker Smith.
- Hi, and I'm Mitsy Dugan.
It's such a pleasure to here
on a blustery Chicago day...
as we kick off these
National Championships.
It's been awhile since
its been in Chicago.
We've had a couple rounds
in Dallas, and it looks like
the committee has decided
that they need to
shake things up a little bit,
and bring it to Chicago this year.
Okay, ladies and gent, in just 4 hours there
will only be 8 contestants left on the stage.
Our goal is to have at least
one of us left up there.
[ANNCR]: That's right and we have
contestants here from all over the country.
Ready to battle wits against
each other in the round robin.
And somebody's going to go home
with a cash prize. [LAUGHS]
Ok, it looks like the
contestants are coming out.
There's a lot of
excitement in the air.
And a lot of favorites. Including
a couple of Chicago-born people.
That's right Chicago, we've got some
hometown-heroes for you to look after.
Good luck. You'll need it.
Right. You're one of those.
back-slash Chicago, back-slash tiles
We have our own Richard Johnson, and
he is live-tweeting this entire event.
So make sure you tune in,
tweetsters!
The power of technology
ladies and gentlemen.
Plaaaay Scrabble!
- Okay, and it's game on.
- And our referee is looking over everything.
Oh well, this is of course
Jerry Turnbaeur.
He will be looking at every
table with hawk-like precision.
That's right, he knows the rules
and he's not afraid to enforce them.
To look at the determination
of these people
I mean for the
average Scrabble player...
...this is mind-blowing. - And it's
just incredible to think about...
what goes through the minds
of these players.
Several... several heavy-hitters
playing right now...
along with a bunch of newcomers. Curious
what kind of game they're bringing-
The players are playing with
energy and intensity.
Imagine what its like on that
floor right now.
We had the word 'Taco' go
down over there.
You can see the sweat coming off
the brow of these players.
- That's a hook word.
- 65 point play right there.
- We're gonna check that on our virtual
dictionary. - Simple but elegant.
See what Richards
got over there.
Wonderful job of crafting which word
she's going to play the next time.
So she sets it up, all the
sudden there's a third word there.
- Pays it right off.
- It's amazing.
And you can feel it
in this room.
These players are serious
about their Scrabble game.
Trying to get into the heads
of these contestants.
It's very intense. They're not only
working their enormous vocabularies...
But they're also playing a good bluffing
game and there's a lot of strategy involved.
- Yep, thanks for the game.
- Nice Game.
- We have some matches ending.
- Rod MacNeil, looks like he's lost.
Losing out to Jim
Cramer was Scott Applestern.
- ...David Wingard
and Bradley Witmarch-
Carl Johnson, eliminated.
- Oh, that's gotta be
a disappointment.
Sometimes
it's the luck of the draw.
Well, with English
as your 2nd language...
...you know.
- Hmmm, not expecting that.
- That is a triple word score,
and that's going to be 60 points
right in her pocket.
And it should be noted that the
players get 3 games
to try and make it
to the elimination round.
That's right, everybody gets
plenty of opportunity.
[ANNCR] We're really seeing who
the shining stars are now,
and it is intense in here.
And it looks like round three,
with some very interesting matches.
That's right, some interesting pairings.
Look at this one over here, Parker.
- Oh of course, Dirk Franke and-
- Jacob Jarvi.
- I've never seen anything quite
like it. - Pla-a-ay Scrabble!
- They could not look
more similar.
What are these two, brothers?
Ha ha, I'm thinking the same
baby-daddy, I don't know about you.
Good point.
[ANNCR]: Well, we just have a few
contestants left here in this round robin.
After a few hours, we now see the
toughness of these competitors.
- And with a win, Zoe...
- I think it's Rezillo.
Rezillo wins against
David Sniffel
Left on the floor are Dirk
Franke and Jacob Jarvi.
It makes sense that they would
stick it out for the long haul.
We have a nail-biter
match going on here.
It looks like they were cut from the same cloth,
but their styles are completely different.
100 percent. Jacob plays a
kinder gentler Scrabble...
and Dirk is not gonna let him
get away with it this time.
Well he is a machine...
with a heart of gold, I imagine.
Jacob is going to need to step it
up and get a little more aggressive
...if he wants to take this
away from Dirk.
- Boom, that's it!
- But you can see clearly...
- ...Dirk is the master.
- Thatta girl!
- Did not say please, or nothing.
- Have a good one.
Another win for Dirk.
- Wow. Wow.
- He does it with flare.
Literally. Putting flare down
was a smart move!
That's right. It's sad to see
this elimination happen,
but Dirk Franke is going to move
into our elimination round.
[LOUD SPEAKER]
Congratulations to the survivors
who now move on
to the single-elimination
Scrabble Off!
Feel free to stretch your legs and
return to your tables in ten minutes.
Play will resume in fifteen.
Nice start Zoe, fifth place!
Yeah, that's the 2nd best female
start in history.
- Thanks. Marty's not here.
- Oh, Chicago traffic sucks.
Three matches to the finals.
He'll be here by the end.
You must be Zoe.
- That's my name.
- Don't wear it out, biotch!
You do realize only one girl has ever
won this illustrious competition, yes?
- Rita Norr, Las Vegas, 1987
- And she is goddess, not a girl.
Yeah, goddess. What are you,
little boy?
Uh, as if you didn't know.
I'm Dirk Franke.
And I'm gonna paddle your perky little
ass with my vastly superior mastery
of all things Funk & Wagnalls.
You know what I think, Frank?
Oh, oh please tell me.
Tell me right now.
I think Zoe's going to hand you
the worst loss of your life.
Hmmm. Well, do you know
what I think?
I think between this phallic
symbol you keep staring at...
the metaphorical ass-paddling
I'm about to give you...
and the raw sexual tension that
is Scrabble Tournament play...
I am very, very turned
on right now.
[SLURP, SLURP, SLURP]
[SLU-U-U-U-RP]
Okay,
I'll see you at the tables then.
I have a little old lady to beat.
Oops! Sorry Ethel. I did not
see you standing... right there.
[SLURP]
Did that really just happen?
- Welcome back to the elimination round.
- Welcome back.
Ignore him. He's gotta get
through me first.
And now we're looking at
our top sixteen.
People have just dropped off like
flies. We had some amazing contenders.
It's sad, but exciting for so
many others who have advanced on.
A surprise step for Zoe Rezillo.
That's the name, I think
it's Zoe Rezillo.
- No ranking whatsoever
in Scrabble
- We do not see this
very often.
For a complete unknown to have
leapt into the elimination round
is very, very impressive.
And it looks like Dirk Franke
is doing his usual.
- Wow, he's getting up
into the 300's.
Well, that's why he's
always second best.
He is an incredible player. It'd be
nice to see him finally get a win.
Ooh, I think that was the game right
there for Zoe Rezillo there wasn't it?
[CLAPPING]
And it looks of course like Dirk Franke has
beaten his opponent in the elimination round.
You're watching masters do their
craft on the board.
- That's right. That's right. - You
definitely see the determination of the-
Oh and you can see some anger right
there with, uh, Mike Theobold...
I think that was, from Tucson.
It would be different if this was not
the first time that he'd done that.
But that was a nice win for
Zoe Rezillo there, wasn't it?
[WAVES THUNDERING]
It looks like we're into
the semifinal round now.
Not a surprise,
Dirk Franke winning.
Dirk Franke wins it. We're going
to be seeing him in the finals.
[APPLAUSE]
Wow, we are down
to the wire here.
Escaping from that last round
is Zoe Rezillo.
She is matched up there with-
- That is Scott Pate.
If you're just now catching us,
these two are going at it,
and have been for
quite some time.
- Oh, beautiful move!
- It looks like she's done it.
This knocks her ahead of Scott.
I cannot believe this.
She has just smacked down a seasoned player
and put herself right into the final.
Head to head with Dirk Franke.
Mr. Number Two is going to meet
a nobody in the finals.
Where the hell's Marty?
[ANNCR]: Two locals
in the finals?
- Lewis, he said he was bringing you.
- I took the bus.
[ANNCR]: Have you seen
this happen before?
What an unbelievable
moment for Chicago.
- You need to chill
out for the final.
No, what I need is
for my boyfriend-
- Oh my God, what's that?
- What?
Well yeah, they need to film the
finals to show up on the screens.
That way the
audience can see it.
That and they show highlights on
ESPN 5, local news and stuff.
How do you think they make the tapes
that you've been studying for years?
Well whoever wins, Chicago is definitely
going to be proud of this mental might.
It finally puts us on the map.
Excuse me, Zoe Rezillo?
Mitch Conley, ESPN 5.
Uh, this is Zoe. Excuse me.
Hi Zoe, how does it feel to be
playing last year's runner up?
[ANNCR]: Welcome back, we've made it through
round robin, into the elimination round
...and all the way
to the finals.
We have somebody exciting to introduce
to you - somebody you might recognize.
He's a champion from 2010.
It's Bill Williams.
- Hello.
- Hi Bill, great to have you here with us.
- Thank you, I'm glad to be here.
- Tell us what you think about this final match.
Well, it's bringing back
memories. I know what it's like.
I know what it's like to be
there for the first time.
And the nerves,
the frayed nerves.
What she's going through,
it's exciting.
[ANNCR]: The one thing she's got
going for her is history.
I have gum.
You're mad.
Yes, I'm mad.
I'm out there,
kicking so much ass.
And you, where have you been?
Why weren't you here?
You don't need me.
What?
You don't need me.
You think I'm with you
because I need you?
I'm with you because I love you.
Not because I need you.
I love you more than
anything in this world.
I love you.
...and need you.
Is that okay?
I'm right here, Mucky.
Are you going to tell me
where you were?
Not right now.
Later... maybe.
- You have something in your hair.
- It's bird shit.
- [LAUGHS]
- I'm covered in it.
You're wearing one too.
Who do you think came up
with the idea?
[LAUGHS]
Are you ready to go
kick some ass?
There are cameras out there.
Two of them... ESPN 5.
Baby, you need to
listen to me...
Nobody on this planet
watches ESPN 5.
Really?
Really.
[LAUGHS]
Well, I guess I better go
kick some ass.
[ANNCR]: What would you suggest
Zoe do going into this match?
Uh, she has to keep Dirk out of
her head, number one priority.
He is... and I can say this from first-hand
experience. He's a master of the mind game.
He gets in there and messes
around, you know what I'm saying?
He digs, like with a couple of chopsticks,
right, right underneath the eyeball...
- into the cerebral cortex.
- Cortex, very good word.
You jiggle that a little bit, and that's about
what it feels like to play Dirk Franke.
- Each will draw one tile.
- You have to shut off. You have to be able to
turn a switch to just focus on
the words, the letters.
I've seen it
in the previous matches.
I've been here watching,
and she's got talent.
I don't know who she is, I don't
know where she came from,
but she can do it...
- Dirk will play first!
- if she stays in her own mental space.
- Zoe second.
- Dammit.
Fifty seven percent of the time,
the person who goes first wins.
- Sorry
- And...
PLA-A-AY SCRABBLE!!!
[ANNCR]: And it looks like we're going
into the match now with Dirk going first,
starting with EURO.
Just recently becoming a word with Merriam
Webster's within the past ten years.
- Oh and it looks like Zoe lays down PISMIRE.
- Yes!
She gets points for both her
word and the enemy's first word!
- Enemy?
- The person in the other chair, Lewis.
She is off to the races,
that's a fifty point bonus.
A bingo out of the gate,
that's a gift.
It's also a subtle insult being
that pismire means piss-ant.
Such a strong start for Zoe,
a weak start for Dirk.
That's the luck of the draw though.
That's how this game is played.
- Okay, Zoe comes in with the
word VENEER. - That dreaded V-word.
Followed up by Dirk's FATTY.
Ha ha ha.
Sometimes a word'll
just crack you up.
And you have to wonder if they're
sending messages to each other.
I just don't think it's nice.
I'll tell you one thing though
those two are not laughing.
Let's see what she does
with this next play
The game is tied right now.
- This could be a turning point.
- Dirk has tied it up.
A straight up point
for point tie. Incredible.
122 points to 122 points.
- Oh wow!
- Look at what she did there.
- Yes!
- A parallel play!
That is a play
that I can respect.
- That's good, right?
- It's all about the parallel plays.
So would you say this is typical
for a new player?
I'm going to stop you right
there, Phillip. Look at that word.
- Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness.
- Oh wow! EXONERATE.
Playing off the existing word ER, I
mean you couldn't have seen it coming.
- Dirk just got himself a bingo.
- That was 84 points.
He's turned it around,
he's come back.
I mean the momentum,
after that first play...
from Dirk, has been
pretty enormous.
And Zoe's either going to pull
out here or fall behind.
What is the strategy when we
get to this point?
These players,
they're good enough,
they know what the other player
has on their racks.
There's a couple of big letters
left out there.
I mean every move
really counts right now.
There's a J and there's a Z.
If you're not looking
at one of those right now...
...you're freaking out.
We're going to need to see
Zoe step up her game.
If we pay attention
to the clocks here,
we'll see that Dirk
has more time left than Zoe...
and that always plays psychologically
into the players' minds.
It's such a fight for her
right now.
It's remained neck and neck.
Well, he seems to be maybe
saving tiles
Or this is one of the best defensively
played championships I have seen.
These players are being
blocked left and right.
I just feel like they're both
holding onto something,
and we're going to see how
this plays out.
You can hear a pin drop
down on that stage.
- She only has four tiles.
- It's over when you run out of tiles.
There's still a Z out there.
It's worth 10 points.
The look on Dirk's face
says he has won it.
- It's not fun to be 3 feet away
from that face.
And Dirk plays what will be one
of the last plays of the game,
if not the last, uh...
Bras. -Bras?
- That's a surprise.
- I think he's playing defense.
He's playing big time defense on
that triple word score.
- Would you have done the same thing in his
position? - Uh, its hard to tell.
You don't know the man's rack. In fact,
there's two letters left on that rack,
if one of them's a Z,
Zoe is out of luck.
But even with the Z,
at this point
there's not much room
to play it.
274 to 304.
Not looking good
in these final moments
for newcomer Zoe Rezillo.
Deep in thought, she is.
She fought hard. She's played a
tough game, and it was amazing
that she was in this
final round.
Yeah, looks like she's making a play, and it
looks like she going to play off the bras.
ZEBRASS for triple word
score and 54 points.
- Zebrass?
- She used an extra S.
- Now is that a word?
- That's not a word.
- What if it is a word?
- Yeah, look it up.
That would not be the plural
of Zebras, would it?
- Now it has been challenged.
- I challenge...
that Zebra-s-s is not
a real word.
- What's going on?
- It seems dirty, but it's smart.
He's doing what he had to do.
Well, if the enemy's right
and its not a real word,
she loses her turn, and the
enemy wins the game.
- No man is an enemy in God's eyes.
- Clam it, Lewis.
The dictionary determines the
game from this point.
Wow, this is an
incredible finish!
- ZEBRASS.
- Game over!
The offspring of a
Zebra and an Ass.
- It is a word.
- Challenge is denied!
- Wow!
- Miss Rezillo wins!
[APPLAUSE] Incredible! Zoe
Rezillo takes it for the win!
She's done it,
from out of nowhere!
This is amazing to watch, and look
at these fans, they're eating it up!
This is a rags-to-riches
cinderella-story that we're watching.
An enviable run from what we all
thought was a, a lay person!
- Dreams can come true.
- They do, they do, everyday...
and I can tell you, I know
what she's going through,
and she feels good right now!
And that's what this sport
is all about.
Stories like that,
like what happened today.
What an exciting finish.
That girl is smart.
[MUFFLED APPLAUSE]
Okay, all right,
- So we're definitely in a mall...
- [LAUGHS]
And I think, I think I'm getting
this.
I totally know
where we're at now.
Okay, watch your step.
- I smell the food court...
- [LAUGHS]
We stopped walking.
Can I take this off now?
Here let me do it.
[STRING QUARTET MUSIC #]
Someone has been
very irresponsible
with her Scrabble winnings.
I don't have to worry
about money.
I get a hundred bucks a year
from my step-dad.
[LAUGHING]
You made a cloud.
And its a heart.
And I can see it.
Thank you.
[EXULTANT MUSIC #]
# The corners are fading, when
we're looking at the right angle #
# The colors are bleeding, when
we're looking at the right angle #
# Stand on the edge, but the
danger keeps us out of our heads #
# Underground, on the platform
swallowed up by the sound #
# And the trains don't care,
so let's be honest here #
# The signs are repeating, when
we're looking at the right angle #
# I know you'll believe me, when
you're looking at the right angle #
# When you're looking at the
right angle... #
# When you're looking at the
right angle... #
# When you're looking at the
right angle... #
# When you're looking at
the right angle #
[HORSE WHINNYING]
[BRIGHT SYNTH MUSIC #]
- Hi.
- Hi.
You looking for
a little Scrabble action?
- You a player?
- A little.
We use Scrabble clocks.
Once you've placed all
the letters, you hit the timer.
You have 25 minutes.
If you go over, there's
a 10 point penalty.
- Per minute.
- We use American English only.
If it's not in this book,
it's not a word.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS #]
[ALL] Wow!
[PENSIVE MUSIC #]
[KEYS CLATTERING]
Tohzah.
T-O-H-Z-A-H.
Tohzah. Tohzah.
T-O-H...
I'm gonna get you, Tohzah.
Not anything backwards.
Not Hebrew.
What is Tohzah?
Not Arabic.
You are an enigma!
[GRUNTING]
Are you a tit-man?
Klingon!
This guy in Skokie tried getting
a plate with the F-word
written in Klingon.
[ALARM BUZZING]
[ALARM STOPS]
[MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC #]
[SIGHS]
[PHONE RINGING]
Hi Katie. It's me.
You coming to my dad's birthday?
Yeah. That's coming up.
It's five weeks away, Zoe.
If you're coming,
you need to RSVP
and make definitive
plans to be there.
Yeah. Wow.
So, what're you gonna get him?
Something nice
that he will cherish.
Anyway, how are the kids?
Look. I... I need to go.
I'm really busy today.
Okay. Well, say 'hi'
to the kids for-
me.
[PA ANNOUNCER]
Your safety is important.
If you observe
unattended packages,
vandalism,
or suspicious activity,
inform C.T.A...
[SAD PIANO MUSIC #]
Jesus came to me again, Marty.
Marty!
Jesus came to me again.
Really, Lewis? Wow.
This time he came in the form
of a giant rooster.
Rooster, huh?
I asked him why it is
he put us on this Earth.
Good question, Lewis!
You know what he said?
Well, you know what he said?
The Jesus-rooster? No clue.
He said he couldn't remember.
He said I should
ask him again later.
Ask again later? What?
Jesus is a magic 8-ball now?
That sucks.
Well, he's been through a lot.
Hey! Hey you!
Did you know
Jesus is a magic 8-ball?
Hey!
- Hey, Mart.
- Hey, Bear.
You brought your lunch.
That's smart, man.
I never bring my lunch.
And I get all hungry
and I gotta spend
$2.50 at the vending machine
for Frito-Lay's.
That's why I'm fat.
Frito-Lay's, man. Whatchoo got?
Sandwich.
What're you both doing here?
You're not both
supposed to be here.
Whose shift is it?
Marty, you're not supposed
to be here.
I got you down for tomorrow.
- Day shift. 9 a.m.
- Seriously?
- Yeah. It's on the calendar!
- During the day?
- Yeah.
- With people?
- Hey! You wanna switch?
- What's the problem?
Come on, man.
That's why I make this schedule.
For you to look at,
not for my health.
[VAPID ELEVATOR MUSIC #]
We are live at the N.S.C.
The Nation Scrabble
Championship.
And man, things were
heating up inside there!
Letters were flying
left and right.
Dirk Frankie, you cannot catch a
break. Three-time runner up.
[LAUGHS] My bad. How does it
feel to always be
the bridesmaid
yet, never the bride?
Oh. Cut the witticisms.
That is luck that Williams won.
He's dancing around the two
letter words like it's...
December.
And then he just happens
to luck out
on saving his Z to the very end.
That's just... That's ridiculous,
okay? I got two bingos!
Yes. Can't let those be
forgotten. Alright, Dirk.
Are you gonna be giving it
another go?
Or has Vanna
turned your last letter?
I will spell to the death!
Oo! We've got Bill Williams,
this year's winner.
Uh... Best luck to you
next time, Dirk.
Bill! Bill! Could you come on
over here. Congratulations!
Bill, gotta a couple of questions
for you. Wanna find out first,
how did you manage to
pull it off?
I don't know.
I honestly didn't think
I'd make it out of
the quarter-finals.
I was playing a master.
I think the stress got to him.
He played "Kim Jong-Il." That's
clearly a Star Wars character.
You can't do proper nouns.
And I squeaked out.
Uh, made it to the next round,
- and the streak kept going.
- What?
We've got a lot of folks who
are watching at home.
You need arms.
Possibly some kids who are
thinking about
giving Scrabble
tournament play a try.
Any advice for the youngsters?
Yeah, I guess I would say... Um
Go for it! Follow your dreams.
You know. There-there's a lot
to be learned
from the Scrabble board.
Uh, character.
You know. Courage.
Stuff like that
and uh... and so...
Just, you know, do it.
And, and um...
regardless of what your
friends call you.
# I'm so confused with my life
# Things are so strange, the way
things are so weird and strange. #
# It's my life...
# but I don't understand, why oh
why oh-oh-oh why #
# I don't feel normal
# You don't understand how
it feels when I'm sad #
# I don't feel normal
# But what is normal, right?
# I hope someday,
I can be normal. #
# I hope someday, I can be...
#...normal
Rookie mistake, Ethel.
This is why I beat you
week after week... after week.
My name's Nancy
Not today, it's not. Today,
your name is...
Loser.
- [HONK]
- Ew.
Excuse me?
You didn't even do it right.
Backwards! You did it backwards.
I'm leaving. Okay, Ethel?
Don't be late next week.
- Are you waiting for a game?
- No, thank you.
[SAXOPHONE ELEVATOR MUSIC #]
[SIGHS]
Marty, you're filling in for
Dean today.
Menswear, second floor.
Did you wash your hair
this morning?
Wear this. You look like shit.
Excuse me. Could you tell me
where I could find
lady's foundations?
[EXASPERATED SIGH]
Excuse me. If you were my dad,
well, my step-dad,
what would you like?
The flask or the belt?
His 60th birthday, so
I guess it's kind of a biggie.
Um...
Oh, never mind. You're not
an asshole. How would you know?
- Have you tried Fetish for Men?
- No, thank you.
- It's scent-sational!
- I'm allergic to perfume!
- Oh no. It's cologne.
[CONTINUOUS SNEEZING]
Hey! What? Are you just
gonna stand there?
That's great, buddy.
Lot of help.
[LAUGHTER]
- Maybe it's a sock.
- I'm hoping it's not. [LAUGHTER]
- I think he had a bikini wax.
- Y-you you gotta be kidding.
We think it's a sock.
Fifty-five dollars!
How can this be happening?!
- Fifty-five dollars
for underwear?
- Sure.
- It's designer.
- No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
This! This! Definitely that...
is insanity people!
What? You! What're you doing?
- Um, buying underwear.
- No
- You don't want this.
- Yes, I do!
No, no, no, no, no.
Why do you want them?
- I-I like the ad!
[LAUGHTER]
The ad is designed to trick you
into paying 55 goddamn
dollars for underwear!
Please, give me my underwear.
No! You can't have that lying,
cheating, thieving underwear!
What're you...
What're you doing, man?
You're better
than the underwear.
You deserve more!
You're better
than your underwear.
Do you hear me?
Come on! Everyone!
Say it with me! You're better
than your underwear.
Come on!
Say it with me!
Come on! You're better
than your underwear! Come on!
Everybody!
You're better than
your underwear!
You're better than your
underwear! Come on!
I'm better than my underwear.
Yes! Yes! You, sneezing lady!
Definitely better than your
underwear. Wait!
Wait a minute! Goddammit,
I work here!
Where's the sneezing woman?
Come on guys! Come on.
This is ridiculous!
Come on! I work here nights!
Causing a scene like that
in front of paying customers!
Freedom of speech, man.
Who's in charge here?
Uh, is there something I can
help you with, miss?
- I demand you release this man!
- [BOTH]: Excuse me?
I'm a paying customer. I bought
all kinds of crap here today...
- and this man...
- I saved her life.
- Mm-hmm. When I... when I was...
- Having trouble breathing!
- B-because of all the... cologne!
- Perfume!
- Evil perfume bitch!
- She sprayed me.
Right in her face!
- And I'm allergic
and I kept sneezing.
- Cologne and perfume
are the same thing!
- It was horrible!
- She could sue.
But this man, he was the
only one to help me.
- Miss, he tried to cause a riot
in men's underwear.
I should have him arrested.
- What!?
- $55 for underwear?
- No ass is worth that much!
- I agree.
- Go away, you're fired.
- Fired?
Fired. Now leave. Both of you.
I don't want either one of you
in my store again.
Oh. And, Marty.
[UPBEAT SYNTH MUSIC #]
- I don't normally do this.
- What're you gonna do?
- No, I mean I don't normally do
what I did back there.
I'm not about to do anything.
Oh.
Well, this is my stop.
This is where I... take the bus.
Okay. Okay.
Thanks again.
Sure. Yeah.
See you around.
Okay.
- Hey, you hungry?
- Yes!
- 'Cause I could eat.
- Sounds great.
I'm Zoe Rezillo.
I'm Marty Huckhound.
Nice to meet you,
Marty Huckhound.
So, if I wanted a plate that
said, "Screw you,"
you wouldn't let me?
No, too offensive.
Plus too many letters.
I don't have a car anyways.
People try stuff
all the time and
the computer spits out
the obvious stuff,
but it's up to me
to catch the rest.
- Did you go to
college for that?
No, I was standing in line
once at the DMV
and this guy in front of me
was trying to get a dirty plate.
So, you um, ratted some guy out?
No. His plate said 4-K-U.
You know, fork you...
and I was complementing him and
then the supervisor came over
and handed me the job
on the spot.
Wow. That's impressive.
People used to make fun of me
for playing Scrabble
all the time.
What's the dirtiest,
filthiest thing
anybody has ever
wanted on a plate?
I have to write it out for you.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I don't get it.
Okay. Get rid of the space.
And then picture
how the 5's can look like S's.
Oh. Ass-orgy. That is filthy.
Oh. You wanna see
something cool?
Is it cooler than ass-orgy?
[LAUGHING]
I'll show you what
your name spells.
Okay. That's Marty Huckhound.
Dormant. Yuck. Huh.
Dormant yuck?
Okay. Wait. Hang on.
A mucky hord hunt.
A mucky thud horn.
Okay. Wait. No. Don't go away.
Got it.
Had mucky no hurt.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
I don't know, but Mucky is my
new name for you.
You're real smart, huh?
Only with words and letters
and stuff.
Nothing terribly useful.
No. I'm useless.
I can only curse
in one goddamn language.
But you do it so well.
Wow. This is kind of dangerous.
I love it here.
Especially in the winter when
it's covered in ice
and the
water is practically black.
It's dark and eerie,
but in a really beautiful way.
You know, if you slip and fall,
even in March,
you're pretty much dead.
And anyone who jumps in after
you, they'll die too.
Every now and then though,
you hear these stories
about kids
who fall in for like
twenty minutes...
...and they end up living,
because their body temperature's
have lowered so much...
they're in like a zen
state or something.
Does that work on adults, too?
I don't think so.
I think they know too much.
I remember the first time I came
here when I was a teenager.
I totally wanted to jump.
Yeah, I know that feeling.
Well, here's my car.
You don't have a
personalized plate.
Nah. I couldn't think of
anything good to say.
- I have to work tomorrow. So...
- Well, I got this bus...
[LAUGHS]
- Well you can give me your...
- I don't have a phone.
Well, I... I could
give you mine...
and you could use a pay phone.
- Yeah!
- Okay. Hold on. Here,
I'll write it down.
Okay.
- That's me. Zoe.
- Okay.
Ah, there's my
cell phone number.
And my cell doesn't have
reception at home.
So, just call this number
and that's my email.
Mmhmm.
Well, thanks for having
lunch with me.
Yea... Yeah. Sure. And...
thanks for the whole
getting me fired thing.
Yeah. Sure. Anytime.
Great.
So...
Call her, Marty.
Jesus wants you to.
Jesus also wants you to leave
your door unlocked tonight
so he and I can crash
at your place.
What're you guys doing
this weekend?
There's a concert on Saturday.
Wanna come?
[LAUGHTER]
You're so funny.
Well, then I went looking up at
the sky and then... Bam.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
Just a little joke there, but...
[MURMURING]
- Oh. Hi.
- Hi!
Mucky.
- Hey there.
- What're you doing here?
Um. I'm horse shit on the phone.
Oh so you just decided to
come by my work?
Yeah... I'm not stalking
you or anything.
No. It's ok.
My grandma once told me that my
grandpa used to stalk her,
but back then it was
called courtship.
Yeah. O-okay.
So, how long have you been here?
Long enough to realize I don't
like your co-workers very much.
Yeah. I don't like
them much either.
- Like, that guy.
- That's Ken.
Ken's an asshole.
It's hard to believe
there hasn't been
an office shooting, yet.
"Hi. I'm Ken."
"I like it when people
jerk on my tie."
"I like to sleep with my
friends' pregnant wives
when they're out of town."
"Suckle from their swelling
teets." [LAUGHS]
"I keep jars of STD's in my
fridge.
I have eighteen rare
strains of chlamydia."
"Hahahahaha."
That guy makes fun of
me all the time.
I kind of wish he'd just curl up
and die and go to hell.
[LAUGHTER]
Well,
I'm sorry you missed my lunch.
We could've sat out here
and looked at the clouds
or something.
I like to do that sometimes.
Oh man.
You're one of those people
who see stuff in clouds like...
kittens and bunnies and
president's heads and shit, huh?
One of those people? Mucky,
everyone sees stuff in clouds.
I don't.
Never?
No. Never.
Well, you should try sometime.
No.
Okay.
We should go to dinner
tomorrow night.
We should?
Yeah. Why don't you come over to
my place at seven?
And we'll eat.
At a restaurant... together.
Doesn't that sound nice?
Yeah. Nice.
Well...
...shit.
[DOORBELL]
Hi, Mucky.
Wow. You look really nice.
Thank you. You look...
Really, really nice.
Thank you.
I was gonna get you flowers,
but all the ones I could afford
looked like shit.
And then I remembered the
sneezing thing.
Yeah. Flowers are bad.
Balloons are great.
You're not allergic to latex,
are you?
No. I love it.
The balloon, I mean.
I have a coupon. So, you might
as well look at your menu.
I'm gonna get a goddam job soon,
you know?
I know.
Places like this make me
feel like shit.
Why?
I don't know.
My dad used to take me to
places like this
...when he won at the track.
He always wanted to fit in,
you know?
be just like them,
but we weren't.
Not even close.
And I never want to be
like my dad, so...
I never want to be like
these people.
But they look so happy.
"I simply must have that
Mercedes in medium sky-blue.
Not light sky-blue,
and not dark sky-blue."
"I need those papers on my desk
by seven a.m. sharp. No excuses.
[LAUGHS]
"And how was your day,
Chazwick?"
"I sold some stocks.
And some bonds...
and then, I shot three under
par-r-r at the club."
"Hmph. Lovely."
"And you?"
"I had my nails done
and lunched with the girls."
"I myself took a..."
[CLEARS THROAT]
"A long, long lunch. And, um,
bought myself a new suit."
"My, don't you look dapper."
[LAUGHS]
"Thank you."
[LAUGHTER]
And how, how was Zoe's day?
I played a game of Scrabble
and scored three bingos!
Wait, were you... were you
playing Scrabble or bingo?
Bingo's when you use
all 7 tiles in one word.
Oh!
That is amazing. And I managed
to go all the live-long day
without referring
to someone as an asshole.
That's amazing!
Yes. I also met
this fine gentleman
at a job interview
who shared my passion
for pistachios.
[LAUGHS]
We're going into business
together.
I'll be a millionaire
by the end of the week.
That's nuts!
Yes. I'll be King of the nuts.
[LAUGHS]
Sounds like we've both had a
really good day.
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
I had fun tonight, Mucky.
Yeah.
It didn't suck.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
[LAUGHTER]
[MUFFLED LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]
[MOAN]
Woo!
Thank God you bought that
family-size box of condoms.
That's the first time wishful
thinking has ever paid off!
Plus you save a lot when
you buy in bulk.
[LAUGHTER]
[DOORBELL]
Finally, pizza! I'm starving.
[DOORBELL]
God damn 'im.
he's supposed to fucking
take the money
from underneath the mat
and leave the pizza.
[DOORBELL, DOORBELL, DOORBELL]
Dammit! Can't anybody follow
directions anymore!?! [DOORBELL]
Leave the pizza, take the money!
[KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK]
The guy from Hong Kong Kitchen
last night
knew what the
hell he was doing!
Take the pizza, leave the money!
Reverse it, flip it, put it on
your dick and stick it!
[LAUGHS] Oh my God!
[SCREAM!]
Why would Mom think I was dead?
Because your work called and
told her you were dead.
- They called Mom?
- Yes, they called your mother.
- And she sent you?
- Yes.
Well, tell her I'm fine. I just
forgot to charge my phone.
For three days?
Who's the homeless guy?
- He's
- Your boyfriend?
Well I hope he's got a job,
because you're obviously not
going to have one anymore.
I haven't taken a vacation day
in three years.
You know this was a really bad
day to pull this shit, Zoe.
[SCOFFS] the kids have...
forget it.
Well I'm glad I'm alive!
What's one more day?
If they think I'm dead, they'll
hire someone else.
- Can anyone else do your job?
- Mucky.
Look, once you leave this
apartment, you'll be out there,
and you'll realize what a
huge mistake you've made,
and then you will never, ever
come back here to me.
I think you should go
to your apartment
and pack up all your stuff.
What?
Pack it up, haul it over,
I have plenty of room here.
You know I'm not
exactly housebroken.
What, you're going to
pee on my rug?
- I'll get you a litter box.
- [LAUGHS]
What if your bitch
sister comes back?
She's not the bitch,
she's the nice one.
You know that's very funny,
because I've actually been
studying this uh, art...
- ...it's called Tantra.
- Oh really?
It's very sensual...
Are you serious?
Oh my three's company!
Too much Me TV.
It's like she just raided Mr.
Roper's closet of death.
I can hear you.
Oh, I'm sorry, we thought
you were dead.
No, I wasn't dead.
I was having sex.
For thirty-six hours...
and eating take-out.
With who?
My boyfriend.
Oh really, your boyfriend?
Yeah, my boyfriend.
Oh, and I told him
all about you Ken,
and he thinks
you're an asshole.
- What's your boyfriend's name?
- Yeah, anyone we know?
No, you don't know him...
His name is Marty Huckhound.
Oh, and do I have to worry about
Marty Huckhound beating me up?
I don't know, I think he might
be bigger than you Ken,
but he's probably from Canada!
[LAUGHTER!]
Bunch of goddamn teenagers!
Uuuhhh!
Oh, that was good...
So back to this back rub...
# So it turns out that
life you lived, #
# Really wasn't worth a shit
# And all those people
that you thought you knew... #
# They don't give a
fuck about you #
# You've got to kill yourself,
kill yourself #
# Hang on, what about life?
# Hang on, who fucking cares!
# Kill yourself, yeah!
You're here!
You decided to move in.
I got you a present.
- Ta daaah
- A sock!
I love it. To make sock monkeys.
There's a matching
one in the bag.
I saw you had a monkey
with no arms.
Yeah.
What do you want to name it?
Uhhhh, I don't.
But you have to name him.
You gave him his arms.
Ummm, Mr. Sock.
Uh, okay. Doctor
Foot-Sheath the Third.
Uh, Goddamn monkey-face,
demon-boy!
Do you like that name?
Tell Mucky you like that name.
No, no monkey!
- Mucky you're not afraid
of monkeys are you?
- They're evil.
- They're socks!
So you are scared of
sock-monkeys...
and you bought me socks, knowing
full well what I'd turn them into?
That is so sweet.
- I'm scared of a lot of things too.
- Like what?
Like global warming, or plaid,
or briefcases...
Ahhh! Mucky, did you know
there's a man on our patio?
He kinda slept at my place,
and now I don't have a my place.
Wait, this is all your stuff?
There's an empty jar of
peanut butter there.
Hi, I'm Zoe.
I'm Lewis.
Hi Lewis, nice to meet you.
I hope you're hungry.
Are you a child of the Lord?
Excuse me?
Are you a child of the Lord?
I thought you were talking
to the sandwich.
[LAUGHS]
You sure act like one.
Marty, this is Mr. Davies.
He has a few questions for you
about your application.
[PEN CLICKING]
[PEN CLICKING]
[PEN CLICKING]
Uh, thanks for seeing me, man.
Zoe recommends you, and
I'd really like to hire you.
They've got me doing
this job now,
and I don't know how much
longer I can take it.
Are you good with people?
Uh yeah, I guess.
Because the people you will be
working with are quite frankly
horrible, awful people
who want nothing more
than to take all of life's
frustrations out onto you.
Yeah, people can be
real assholes.
You ever kill a man, Marty?
Nope, can't say I have.
Excellent. You're hired.
You start now. Follow me.
# You can't stop me now
# you know, you're never gonna
take me alive, everybody #
Okay.
This is invalid.
You need to fill out form 2010.
Not here. Fill it out and
get back in line.
I've been in line
for four hours.
If you've got any complaints,
save it for Mr. Huckhound.
I'll tell you what, lady!
Tell your kid not to run three
red lights on his driver's test
...maybe then the little
darling will pass!
Next!
And what's your problem?
I got a ticket, even though
I fed the meter!
You say you fed the meter,
I say potah-to.
Next!
Oop, sorry, you're late.
Everybody just left.
That's okay, I was just...
walking by.
Hey, you look familiar.
I think I just look
like someone else.
You're one of us, I can tell.
Here.
You should join us sometime.
Thanks.
- Okay are you relaxed?
- Yep
Okay, what do you see?
Nothing.
Try harder.
[EXHALES]
Yup, Yup. Nothing.
OK, look over there.
- Mmm hmm, mm hmmm...
- It's an angel.
Oh wait,
I think I see something.
Right there, right?
Yeah, you see the row,
- and the feathery wings.
- I see it! I see it!
Yeah, yeah, it's um, it's big,
and it's white, and it's blobby,
It's a cloud!
[LAUGHS]
It's a goddamn cloud.
[GUITAR MUSIC WITH WHISTLING #]
# Girl in the moon...
# I couldn't stay up
# all night like you do
You weren't hearing a word
I was saying were you?
Sometimes you look
like a ballerina.
C'mon, you've lived here
for three weeks
now you know where this
stuff goes. Come help me.
I love you.
I know, I love you too.
Come help me.
# while I am sleeping
# make sure
that I'm not dreaming #
# of floating away
into the day, no #
What you fail to realize
is that this is the
Department of Motor Vehicles,
not the Department
of Fuck Faces!
So get your balls out of my face
with your tea bagger shit.
You want to drive a car? Get in
line. Get your picture taken.
Okay? Yes, it goes in a computer.
Yes, it keeps track of you.
No, it's not socialist.
No, it's not communist.
But if you're not nice, I'll get
my good buddy Dwayne back there
to photoshop a pearl necklace on it
and post it all over the internet!
Outta here!
Next!
[PHONE RINGS]
And what the fuck do you want?
Hi Mucky, it's me.
I'm going to the library today at lunch,
do you want me to get you anything?
Ummm, maybe some
hardcore bondage porn,
Juicy fruits, Tylenol,
definitely.
I don't think the
library has any porn.
- Maybe some condoms.
- Or condoms.
Actually, they might have some condoms in the
bathroom. I've never noticed. I'll check.
Ok, ribbed for her pleasure,
if they have it.
Freak. Bye.
What?
[CAR HORN HONKS]
See if you'd made that a D
instead of an S,
you would have switched
it around and had 'Decor'
- which would have left your O open.
- Yeah.
- Hi!
- Hi.
You looking for a little
Scrabble action?
You a player?
First person we've had
under 50 in a while.
Let's make this fast,
I gotta get back to work.
- Hi, I'm Holly.
- Hi.
This is Amber and Nancy.
That's Jake.
We are die-hard word nerds.
I'm Zoe, I'm on my
lunch break too.
We use Scrabble clocks.
If it's not in this book,
it's not a word.
[ALL] Wow!
- Word Nerds?
- I beat them both.
I mean, I beat them bad.
That's great, you're queen
of the word nerds.
There's more.
I did something today that
I've always wanted to do.
I entered the National
Scrabble Championships.
Is that real?
Really, you're kidding me?
No, I'm not kidding, but now
I'm kinda freaking out about it.
Why? You're the only person
I know who could spell...
7 words that start with Q
and don't use U?
Qaid, qat, qanat, qiviut,
qintar, qoph, qwerty.
Qwerty? What's a qwerty?
It's the standard
English keyboard.
Qwerty. It's the top
row of letters.
- You're not even making that up.
- [LAUGHS]
You are... really... really...
smart.
Oh, no. Q words, that's just
yellow belt shit.
You just have to have those
words memorized or you're screwed.
A Q is worth 10 points, you don't
want to be stuck with it at the end.
I bet you'll beat all
those other word weirdos.
[PIANO MUSIC #]
Marty!
Hey Lewis.
I been looking for you.
You forgot the sandwich
Zoe made for you.
Do you know the temperature
of the water today, Lewis?
No.
It's 35 degrees.
You know how cold the water has
to be to kill you of hypothermia?
No.
Anything under your body
temperature
and you'll get hypothermia
if you're in it long enough.
Anything under 40 degrees, and you'll
lose use of your limbs within 2 minutes.
She made one for me too.
I'm not sure which one is yours
and which one is mine.
Mine's probably got wheat bread.
She asked me whether I like white
or wheat bread, and I said white.
She said I should eat wheat
because it's better for me.
That Zoe, she's a good woman.
Yeah.
What the hell's she
doing with me, Lewis?
I'm sure she'll wise up any
minute now and leave.
Do you like ferrets, Lewis?
Most people think they're
rodents, but they're not.
No way.
You know they're
illegal in 14 states?
Ummm... No.
Yeah.
When I was a kid,
my mom had a litter of them.
It was summer, and after school, I was
supposed to bring the babies in from outside.
But I forgot,
'cause I was watching TV.
Well, when I remembered,
I went out and I got the box...
I brought them inside and
I went back to watching TV...
'cause, the ferrets were boring.
Then my mom got home.
She went, looked in the box,
and guess what?
They were all dead.
All of them.
They were in the sun too long.
Do you know what
I'm saying, Lewis?
Do you know what
I'm trying to tell you?
Uhhh... I guess it's
like a parable?
Exactly.
Ummm, Zoe's like the
Good Samaritan,
and, I'm the... the...
The ferrets?
No! No, Lewis.
Zoe is the ferrets...
and... forget the Samaritan!
I'm the me, Zoe's the ferrets.
I kill ferrets.
I ruin everything that is good.
Everything I love, I ruin.
And I loved those ferrets.
I thought you said the
ferrets were boring.
[SEAGULLS CALLING]
I'm supposed to meet Zoe's
parents tonight.
Then you better not
jump in the lake.
[PIANO MUSIC #]
God Damn!
You grew up here? Nice.
Oh! Fire in the fireplace.
You know I've never actually
seen that before.
Would you please get out of the
bushes? They'll call the police.
You mean they don't
know I'm coming?
[LAUGHS] Oh, this is gonna be
a goddamn barrel of laughs.
Katie already thinks I'm a
cross-dressing, homeless serial killer.
Oh, it's only you.
One of the kids thought he
saw Bigfoot in the window.
Katie, you remember Marty.
Marty, Katie.
It never occurred to me
you'd actually bring him.
Virginia is going to have to
set another place at the table.
You guys even have a maid?
Virginia is my mother.
Just stay close to me, OK?
Let's get this over with.
Zoe, who's this?
Lizzy, this is my boyfriend,
Marty.
Marty, this is
my oldest sister, Lizzy.
Since when are boyfriends
allowed at Daddy's birthday?
I didn't even bring Grant
until we were engaged.
- Hey um, how many boyfriends
has Zoe had?
[WHISPERS] Marty.
Only one that I remember.
What was his name?
Gordy something or other?
Had a limp.
Whatever became of him, Zoe?
He cheated on me.
Yes, that's right.
Zoe, is that you?
I need you in the kitchen.
Ahhh ahh! Are you bigfoot?
No, I am Marty, who are you?
This little guy is Luke,
and I'm Jonathan,
Katie's husband.
Marty, Zoe's boyfriend.
Ahh, nice. Well, welcome to the
annual nice of awkwardness.
Hey, is the old guy as big an
A-hole as he looks?
You might watch that, he can
probably hear you.
...roll me over, lay me down
and do it again.
[LAUGHTER]
Ha ha ha ha.
Marty, how did you meet our Zoe?
Ummm... at work I guess.
Yeah, I was shopping at the mall
and I saw Marty working
in the men's department.
You sell men's socks, Marty?
No, Bob.
I was working security, but now
I work at the DMV with Zoe.
You look for dirty
words all day too?
No, Marty is second in command
at the public affairs office.
Well, that sounds like an
important job.
people come to me to complain and
I tell them where they can stick it.
Well, you should get a
job as Bigfoot!
I'll keep that in mind, kid.
Eat your asparagus, Luke.
No, No. That's a good idea.
Bigfoot doesn't really
have a job...
so I think I could handle it.
I mean, I sure wouldn't be late
to work, that's for sure.
Ha.
Let's get to the fun part
of the evening.
Well, Virginia...
It looks like Lizzy and Grant
are giving us a wine
tour of Tuscany.
Ahhhh, that sounds lovely.
Excellent choice, Lizzy
And as you all know,
Lizzy is the number-two real
estate agent on the Gold Coast.
Seven thousand.
And let's just hope
next year, you are number-one.
For his birthday he likes to
show off his generosity.
- And a grandchild would be nice.
- It's weird.
Alright, Katie, what
have we got?
It's a custom-made shirt, Dad.
And the tie too.
- We know it's
your favorite color.
It's the same color
as your Mercedes, Bob.
Huh.
A thousand. You better put this
in the kid's college fund.
Thanks, Bob.
Sorry.
Zoe?
What the hell is it?
It's a kaleidoscope.
- That looks like
very nice leather, Bob
What the hell am I supposed
to do with this?
Well, I know your job is
kinda stressful...
So I just figured that
with this,
you could take a moment
whenever you needed
just to look through it,
and look at the shapes,
and colors, and patterns.
It's super relaxing.
Zoe, do I look like
some burned out hippie to you?
- Now, Bob.
- No. Virginia, I want her to answer this
and explain... this... and...
Look at you, the way you live...
who you live with.
She always does this.
Always makes everyone upset!
- What?
- We all try to understand you!
- Bullshit.
- What was that?
- I said bullshit.
- We don't appreciate-
Well I don't appreciate you
treating me like shit!
Okay, I get it. I'm not
part of your little family.
I mean that used to
make me feel bad,
but tonight,
after being here...
I am goddamn happy not to be
one of you people!
How dare you!
- Lizzy, you are such a bitch!
- Woah.
Do you want to know what happened
between me and Gordy Menick?
I'll tell you what happened!
I caught Lizzie & Gordie boning
away in Bob & Virginia's bed!
Lizzie, how could you?
He had a limp!
Zoe stop it, we get your point.
Katie.
Don't you remember
when we were kids,
how you used to braid my hair
before we'd go to school?
Now you don't even tell me how
the kids are doing when I call.
- I want you out of here.
- Bob, you're just a total dick!
May I add something, babe?
- Yeah go ahead,
dick sums it up for me.
These obnoxious shrews, and
their bitchy little husbands...
...not you Jonathan,
you're kinda cool...
are trying to buy your love.
Zoe would have
given it to you for free.
That's pathetic dude.
No... And if there's one
thing in this life...
that I know intimately,
its pathetic.
...and you Bob...
you take the fucking cake.
Come on, babe.
Should I?
- Assholes.
- I don't ever want to go back there.
You never, ever have to.
Ha ha, all time record low.
A hundred bucks.
Let's cash this before they
have a chance to stop payment.
[PIANO MUSIC #]
# Longest day...
# The hardest stand
# The lonesome road that I've
been told will never end #
# Some thoughts will change
# Some rain will fall
# And all the stains
set in stone #
# will be washed
from the wall #
# I hope you're right...
# This feels right
# Every cold whisper...
# Every dark fear
# Just dissipates into
sad souls longing to feel #
# To feel what we feel
# To feel right
# Cause I know
you're right... #
Xanathine.
X-A-N-A-T-H-I-N-E. Xanathine.
Xanthoria. X-A-N-T-H-O-R-I-A.
Xanthoria.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm in training.
Hey, could you make more coffee?
- Hmmm, training for what?
- A Scrabble championship.
You know if you're finishing the last of the
coffee, it'd be really nice if you'd make more.
That's impressive. Oh, can you
spell complete fucking waste of time?
Too many letters. Ah, See.
[SNICKERS]
Son of a bitch.
Zoe, I think what you're doing
is brave, crazy crazy brave...
and more than a little sexy.
I used to play a little
competitive air-guitar myself.
Weaaaah, B-na naa nau neoww...
Waaaah, wah, wah, wah...
Whammy bar. Waah wawahhh...
Taps!
Nana-l-na-l-na-l-na-lauw...
[PHONE RINGS] You guys suspended
my driver's license
...for ticket I got
in Kentucky last Thanksgiving
that I've already paid.
I've already paid this.
Oh dude, come on!
- [LAUGHS] Well I'm good at a lot of things.
- Yeah. [LAUGHS]
Excuse me Ken,
can I talk to you for a minute?
Yeah, who are you?
Wow! Jesus, Ken. That's quite a
bleach job you got going there.
Is that, uh, covered under
our dental plan?
No, I pay extra.
Who the hell are you?
Marty Huckhound.
Zoe's boyfriend.
The girl you like to
make fun of.
Oh, you're real, huh?
Yeah, I'm real, and I work in
the complaints department.
And this morning... Zoe had a
complaint of her own.
The coffee.
Yep, we-we-we have it.
You didn't make more.
Oh that, well...
Yeah well, you pissed her off.
Um, what exactly is your job
description here Ken?
I'm a systems analyst.
It's not asshole?
Excuse me?
Is that a very sought
after position?
Ha ha, what are you
talking-yes, yes it is.
Oh, so would it be a problem
if say...
you didn't show up
at work tomorrow?
Or would somebody else be happy
to step up and fill in your shoes?
Look, weirdo... I'm not
talking to you, slut-face!
Hey hey hey, I don't want to
have to kick your ass.
And I don't want to have
to kick your ass!
Oh really? And what makes you
think that would happen?
'Cause I work out, and um,
you.. don't.
And I have a green belt in
Hopkido, and you... clearly don't.
But you see,
what you don't understand
is that I have anger and rage
...that's been brewing in my ass
for about thirty-three years now.
So you make the call, Ken.
Do you want to risk it?
Because I'm not gonna get fired!
'Cause no one wants
my fucking job, Ken!
[SNARLS]
You're an asshole, Ken.
And I'm a crazy sonofabitch
who'll do anything in his power
to keep that woman...
...from being as
miserable as you and me.
Capisce?
Capisce.
- Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you o
- I'm great. Are you okay?
I'm fine.
[ANNOUNCER] The last few days
have graced us
with some amazing words.
Here are some of the highlights,
some of the shorter
but sweeter words.
Qindars is one.
Of course starting with a Q,
that's a powerful word.
We've got Juju. That's simple, but
two very high scoring letters in there.
Liri, Obia, Kudu.
Then we've got Tranq. It's like
Tranquilizer, but without the uilizer.
Then we've got AAL. Now that's a
word that would have stumped me.
I'm quite amazed that no one
called objection to that.
It looks to me like an abbreviation.
Of course, that's not allowed.
Looking to see if that's
an actual word.
Of course
the instincts tell us no,
...it doesn't look like one.
But... it turns out it is.
Had Johnson called the objection,
ah... it wouldn't have helped him.
- moving on...
- Nice.
...another great word, Puja.
- That's good, but what if
they did this?
Zebu, that's of course,
very high scoring.
We've got Fixt, with a T. That's just a
four letter word, but it packs a punch.
Now talk about
packing a punch...
- Personal best!
- Yes!
Zax. Simple. Powerful.
It's rare that someone has the opportunity
to play those two letters at the same time.
Practice your two-letter words,
Because everyone goes for the
bingos, the seven letters.
Obviously that's great stuff, but if
you don't build, uh, from the bottom up,
with, with your 2-letters
and your 3-letters,
...because the 2-letters, that's where you
play, you got your parallel, parallel plays
and that's, that's the big money right
there, and that's how I got here today.
I, I saw a lot of good plays out there...
but I, but I, I went in here and I said,
'No one's gonna beat me at
the parallel plays.'
That's great advice, too-
Jim I understand that you've never entered a
formal Scrabble tournament before. Is this true?
Uh, yes that is true.
So you're an impostor?
This is a game for you?
Huh? Never mind the 100's of thousands of
people who eat and sleep and breath Scrabble
as a puzzle... to be solved!
I won fair and square.
Blasphemer! I call your bluff,
and I challenge him next year!
[RECORDING]: I am confident.
- I am confident.
[RECORDING]: I have the heart
of a mighty warrior.
I have the heart of a
mighty warrior.
Four letter words with J
and K... Go now.
Jack, joke, jerk, juke,
other jouk, jock.
Penis.
They might try to throw you.
You gotta be ready.
[TIMER CLICK]
Nice.
Zoe.
Got a new curse word for you...
Horshack.
It's a new sex move.
It's when you hum 'Welcome Back,
Kotter' while having oral-sex.
Take a note.
[HUMS TO SELF]
[STOPWATCH]
- Come on, Marty. Seven letters.
- Okay.
Count 'em up.
Quick, quick, quick.
You're falling behind. Come on.
[FUMBLES TILES]
Marty, come on.
I, I'm, I... I'm no good at
Scrabble, okay.
Ah... pcht.
- Marty.
- Zoe come on.
Jake, you're up.
[SNAPS] Let's go.
Focus.
- Okay...
- Yeah, he's just-
He's fine. You're fine.
Let's go.
[ZIPPER UNZIPS]
She's good.
Yeah, she's good.
[MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC #]
It's late, Mucky.
Are you okay?
Just can't sleep.
What are you doing up?
I wanted to clean the kitchen.
At one in the morning?
Don't you have words
to memorize?
I don't think there are
any more words.
Pills?
Where did you get those?
They were my backup plan.
Kind of a girlie-girl
way to go out, don't-
I was going to
wash them down with whiskey.
Still thinking about using them?
No.
I haven't even thought
about them
since that night
at my family's house.
That's funny.
I haven't thought about offing
myself since I met you.
Really?
Yeah.
# I always knew
you'd break my heart #
# That you would see
the end before I did #
# Why I closed my eyes...
# I'll never know why...
# I'll never know why
# And in my hand
I cradle glue #
# Scavenge for the bits
that broke off you #
# Why you had to try,
I'll never know why #
#..I'll never know why
The word weirdos are here.
- Is she freaking out?
- I don't know.
Oh, I'm a flipping mess! I
didn't sleep at all last night.
Shirts!
- Come on, we gotta get moving.
- Okay, hang on a sec.
Marty, come on. Let's go...
Marty.
Go on without me.
Lewis isn't here yet.
- Marty.
- Go.
Come on.
[ANNOUNCER] Dallas, Dayton,
Orlando and now Chicago...
for the 17th Annual
National Scrabble
Championship Tournament.
- I'm Parker Smith.
- Hi, and I'm Mitsy Dugan.
It's such a pleasure to here
on a blustery Chicago day...
as we kick off these
National Championships.
It's been awhile since
its been in Chicago.
We've had a couple rounds
in Dallas, and it looks like
the committee has decided
that they need to
shake things up a little bit,
and bring it to Chicago this year.
Okay, ladies and gent, in just 4 hours there
will only be 8 contestants left on the stage.
Our goal is to have at least
one of us left up there.
[ANNCR]: That's right and we have
contestants here from all over the country.
Ready to battle wits against
each other in the round robin.
And somebody's going to go home
with a cash prize. [LAUGHS]
Ok, it looks like the
contestants are coming out.
There's a lot of
excitement in the air.
And a lot of favorites. Including
a couple of Chicago-born people.
That's right Chicago, we've got some
hometown-heroes for you to look after.
Good luck. You'll need it.
Right. You're one of those.
back-slash Chicago, back-slash tiles
We have our own Richard Johnson, and
he is live-tweeting this entire event.
So make sure you tune in,
tweetsters!
The power of technology
ladies and gentlemen.
Plaaaay Scrabble!
- Okay, and it's game on.
- And our referee is looking over everything.
Oh well, this is of course
Jerry Turnbaeur.
He will be looking at every
table with hawk-like precision.
That's right, he knows the rules
and he's not afraid to enforce them.
To look at the determination
of these people
I mean for the
average Scrabble player...
...this is mind-blowing. - And it's
just incredible to think about...
what goes through the minds
of these players.
Several... several heavy-hitters
playing right now...
along with a bunch of newcomers. Curious
what kind of game they're bringing-
The players are playing with
energy and intensity.
Imagine what its like on that
floor right now.
We had the word 'Taco' go
down over there.
You can see the sweat coming off
the brow of these players.
- That's a hook word.
- 65 point play right there.
- We're gonna check that on our virtual
dictionary. - Simple but elegant.
See what Richards
got over there.
Wonderful job of crafting which word
she's going to play the next time.
So she sets it up, all the
sudden there's a third word there.
- Pays it right off.
- It's amazing.
And you can feel it
in this room.
These players are serious
about their Scrabble game.
Trying to get into the heads
of these contestants.
It's very intense. They're not only
working their enormous vocabularies...
But they're also playing a good bluffing
game and there's a lot of strategy involved.
- Yep, thanks for the game.
- Nice Game.
- We have some matches ending.
- Rod MacNeil, looks like he's lost.
Losing out to Jim
Cramer was Scott Applestern.
- ...David Wingard
and Bradley Witmarch-
Carl Johnson, eliminated.
- Oh, that's gotta be
a disappointment.
Sometimes
it's the luck of the draw.
Well, with English
as your 2nd language...
...you know.
- Hmmm, not expecting that.
- That is a triple word score,
and that's going to be 60 points
right in her pocket.
And it should be noted that the
players get 3 games
to try and make it
to the elimination round.
That's right, everybody gets
plenty of opportunity.
[ANNCR] We're really seeing who
the shining stars are now,
and it is intense in here.
And it looks like round three,
with some very interesting matches.
That's right, some interesting pairings.
Look at this one over here, Parker.
- Oh of course, Dirk Franke and-
- Jacob Jarvi.
- I've never seen anything quite
like it. - Pla-a-ay Scrabble!
- They could not look
more similar.
What are these two, brothers?
Ha ha, I'm thinking the same
baby-daddy, I don't know about you.
Good point.
[ANNCR]: Well, we just have a few
contestants left here in this round robin.
After a few hours, we now see the
toughness of these competitors.
- And with a win, Zoe...
- I think it's Rezillo.
Rezillo wins against
David Sniffel
Left on the floor are Dirk
Franke and Jacob Jarvi.
It makes sense that they would
stick it out for the long haul.
We have a nail-biter
match going on here.
It looks like they were cut from the same cloth,
but their styles are completely different.
100 percent. Jacob plays a
kinder gentler Scrabble...
and Dirk is not gonna let him
get away with it this time.
Well he is a machine...
with a heart of gold, I imagine.
Jacob is going to need to step it
up and get a little more aggressive
...if he wants to take this
away from Dirk.
- Boom, that's it!
- But you can see clearly...
- ...Dirk is the master.
- Thatta girl!
- Did not say please, or nothing.
- Have a good one.
Another win for Dirk.
- Wow. Wow.
- He does it with flare.
Literally. Putting flare down
was a smart move!
That's right. It's sad to see
this elimination happen,
but Dirk Franke is going to move
into our elimination round.
[LOUD SPEAKER]
Congratulations to the survivors
who now move on
to the single-elimination
Scrabble Off!
Feel free to stretch your legs and
return to your tables in ten minutes.
Play will resume in fifteen.
Nice start Zoe, fifth place!
Yeah, that's the 2nd best female
start in history.
- Thanks. Marty's not here.
- Oh, Chicago traffic sucks.
Three matches to the finals.
He'll be here by the end.
You must be Zoe.
- That's my name.
- Don't wear it out, biotch!
You do realize only one girl has ever
won this illustrious competition, yes?
- Rita Norr, Las Vegas, 1987
- And she is goddess, not a girl.
Yeah, goddess. What are you,
little boy?
Uh, as if you didn't know.
I'm Dirk Franke.
And I'm gonna paddle your perky little
ass with my vastly superior mastery
of all things Funk & Wagnalls.
You know what I think, Frank?
Oh, oh please tell me.
Tell me right now.
I think Zoe's going to hand you
the worst loss of your life.
Hmmm. Well, do you know
what I think?
I think between this phallic
symbol you keep staring at...
the metaphorical ass-paddling
I'm about to give you...
and the raw sexual tension that
is Scrabble Tournament play...
I am very, very turned
on right now.
[SLURP, SLURP, SLURP]
[SLU-U-U-U-RP]
Okay,
I'll see you at the tables then.
I have a little old lady to beat.
Oops! Sorry Ethel. I did not
see you standing... right there.
[SLURP]
Did that really just happen?
- Welcome back to the elimination round.
- Welcome back.
Ignore him. He's gotta get
through me first.
And now we're looking at
our top sixteen.
People have just dropped off like
flies. We had some amazing contenders.
It's sad, but exciting for so
many others who have advanced on.
A surprise step for Zoe Rezillo.
That's the name, I think
it's Zoe Rezillo.
- No ranking whatsoever
in Scrabble
- We do not see this
very often.
For a complete unknown to have
leapt into the elimination round
is very, very impressive.
And it looks like Dirk Franke
is doing his usual.
- Wow, he's getting up
into the 300's.
Well, that's why he's
always second best.
He is an incredible player. It'd be
nice to see him finally get a win.
Ooh, I think that was the game right
there for Zoe Rezillo there wasn't it?
[CLAPPING]
And it looks of course like Dirk Franke has
beaten his opponent in the elimination round.
You're watching masters do their
craft on the board.
- That's right. That's right. - You
definitely see the determination of the-
Oh and you can see some anger right
there with, uh, Mike Theobold...
I think that was, from Tucson.
It would be different if this was not
the first time that he'd done that.
But that was a nice win for
Zoe Rezillo there, wasn't it?
[WAVES THUNDERING]
It looks like we're into
the semifinal round now.
Not a surprise,
Dirk Franke winning.
Dirk Franke wins it. We're going
to be seeing him in the finals.
[APPLAUSE]
Wow, we are down
to the wire here.
Escaping from that last round
is Zoe Rezillo.
She is matched up there with-
- That is Scott Pate.
If you're just now catching us,
these two are going at it,
and have been for
quite some time.
- Oh, beautiful move!
- It looks like she's done it.
This knocks her ahead of Scott.
I cannot believe this.
She has just smacked down a seasoned player
and put herself right into the final.
Head to head with Dirk Franke.
Mr. Number Two is going to meet
a nobody in the finals.
Where the hell's Marty?
[ANNCR]: Two locals
in the finals?
- Lewis, he said he was bringing you.
- I took the bus.
[ANNCR]: Have you seen
this happen before?
What an unbelievable
moment for Chicago.
- You need to chill
out for the final.
No, what I need is
for my boyfriend-
- Oh my God, what's that?
- What?
Well yeah, they need to film the
finals to show up on the screens.
That way the
audience can see it.
That and they show highlights on
ESPN 5, local news and stuff.
How do you think they make the tapes
that you've been studying for years?
Well whoever wins, Chicago is definitely
going to be proud of this mental might.
It finally puts us on the map.
Excuse me, Zoe Rezillo?
Mitch Conley, ESPN 5.
Uh, this is Zoe. Excuse me.
Hi Zoe, how does it feel to be
playing last year's runner up?
[ANNCR]: Welcome back, we've made it through
round robin, into the elimination round
...and all the way
to the finals.
We have somebody exciting to introduce
to you - somebody you might recognize.
He's a champion from 2010.
It's Bill Williams.
- Hello.
- Hi Bill, great to have you here with us.
- Thank you, I'm glad to be here.
- Tell us what you think about this final match.
Well, it's bringing back
memories. I know what it's like.
I know what it's like to be
there for the first time.
And the nerves,
the frayed nerves.
What she's going through,
it's exciting.
[ANNCR]: The one thing she's got
going for her is history.
I have gum.
You're mad.
Yes, I'm mad.
I'm out there,
kicking so much ass.
And you, where have you been?
Why weren't you here?
You don't need me.
What?
You don't need me.
You think I'm with you
because I need you?
I'm with you because I love you.
Not because I need you.
I love you more than
anything in this world.
I love you.
...and need you.
Is that okay?
I'm right here, Mucky.
Are you going to tell me
where you were?
Not right now.
Later... maybe.
- You have something in your hair.
- It's bird shit.
- [LAUGHS]
- I'm covered in it.
You're wearing one too.
Who do you think came up
with the idea?
[LAUGHS]
Are you ready to go
kick some ass?
There are cameras out there.
Two of them... ESPN 5.
Baby, you need to
listen to me...
Nobody on this planet
watches ESPN 5.
Really?
Really.
[LAUGHS]
Well, I guess I better go
kick some ass.
[ANNCR]: What would you suggest
Zoe do going into this match?
Uh, she has to keep Dirk out of
her head, number one priority.
He is... and I can say this from first-hand
experience. He's a master of the mind game.
He gets in there and messes
around, you know what I'm saying?
He digs, like with a couple of chopsticks,
right, right underneath the eyeball...
- into the cerebral cortex.
- Cortex, very good word.
You jiggle that a little bit, and that's about
what it feels like to play Dirk Franke.
- Each will draw one tile.
- You have to shut off. You have to be able to
turn a switch to just focus on
the words, the letters.
I've seen it
in the previous matches.
I've been here watching,
and she's got talent.
I don't know who she is, I don't
know where she came from,
but she can do it...
- Dirk will play first!
- if she stays in her own mental space.
- Zoe second.
- Dammit.
Fifty seven percent of the time,
the person who goes first wins.
- Sorry
- And...
PLA-A-AY SCRABBLE!!!
[ANNCR]: And it looks like we're going
into the match now with Dirk going first,
starting with EURO.
Just recently becoming a word with Merriam
Webster's within the past ten years.
- Oh and it looks like Zoe lays down PISMIRE.
- Yes!
She gets points for both her
word and the enemy's first word!
- Enemy?
- The person in the other chair, Lewis.
She is off to the races,
that's a fifty point bonus.
A bingo out of the gate,
that's a gift.
It's also a subtle insult being
that pismire means piss-ant.
Such a strong start for Zoe,
a weak start for Dirk.
That's the luck of the draw though.
That's how this game is played.
- Okay, Zoe comes in with the
word VENEER. - That dreaded V-word.
Followed up by Dirk's FATTY.
Ha ha ha.
Sometimes a word'll
just crack you up.
And you have to wonder if they're
sending messages to each other.
I just don't think it's nice.
I'll tell you one thing though
those two are not laughing.
Let's see what she does
with this next play
The game is tied right now.
- This could be a turning point.
- Dirk has tied it up.
A straight up point
for point tie. Incredible.
122 points to 122 points.
- Oh wow!
- Look at what she did there.
- Yes!
- A parallel play!
That is a play
that I can respect.
- That's good, right?
- It's all about the parallel plays.
So would you say this is typical
for a new player?
I'm going to stop you right
there, Phillip. Look at that word.
- Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness.
- Oh wow! EXONERATE.
Playing off the existing word ER, I
mean you couldn't have seen it coming.
- Dirk just got himself a bingo.
- That was 84 points.
He's turned it around,
he's come back.
I mean the momentum,
after that first play...
from Dirk, has been
pretty enormous.
And Zoe's either going to pull
out here or fall behind.
What is the strategy when we
get to this point?
These players,
they're good enough,
they know what the other player
has on their racks.
There's a couple of big letters
left out there.
I mean every move
really counts right now.
There's a J and there's a Z.
If you're not looking
at one of those right now...
...you're freaking out.
We're going to need to see
Zoe step up her game.
If we pay attention
to the clocks here,
we'll see that Dirk
has more time left than Zoe...
and that always plays psychologically
into the players' minds.
It's such a fight for her
right now.
It's remained neck and neck.
Well, he seems to be maybe
saving tiles
Or this is one of the best defensively
played championships I have seen.
These players are being
blocked left and right.
I just feel like they're both
holding onto something,
and we're going to see how
this plays out.
You can hear a pin drop
down on that stage.
- She only has four tiles.
- It's over when you run out of tiles.
There's still a Z out there.
It's worth 10 points.
The look on Dirk's face
says he has won it.
- It's not fun to be 3 feet away
from that face.
And Dirk plays what will be one
of the last plays of the game,
if not the last, uh...
Bras. -Bras?
- That's a surprise.
- I think he's playing defense.
He's playing big time defense on
that triple word score.
- Would you have done the same thing in his
position? - Uh, its hard to tell.
You don't know the man's rack. In fact,
there's two letters left on that rack,
if one of them's a Z,
Zoe is out of luck.
But even with the Z,
at this point
there's not much room
to play it.
274 to 304.
Not looking good
in these final moments
for newcomer Zoe Rezillo.
Deep in thought, she is.
She fought hard. She's played a
tough game, and it was amazing
that she was in this
final round.
Yeah, looks like she's making a play, and it
looks like she going to play off the bras.
ZEBRASS for triple word
score and 54 points.
- Zebrass?
- She used an extra S.
- Now is that a word?
- That's not a word.
- What if it is a word?
- Yeah, look it up.
That would not be the plural
of Zebras, would it?
- Now it has been challenged.
- I challenge...
that Zebra-s-s is not
a real word.
- What's going on?
- It seems dirty, but it's smart.
He's doing what he had to do.
Well, if the enemy's right
and its not a real word,
she loses her turn, and the
enemy wins the game.
- No man is an enemy in God's eyes.
- Clam it, Lewis.
The dictionary determines the
game from this point.
Wow, this is an
incredible finish!
- ZEBRASS.
- Game over!
The offspring of a
Zebra and an Ass.
- It is a word.
- Challenge is denied!
- Wow!
- Miss Rezillo wins!
[APPLAUSE] Incredible! Zoe
Rezillo takes it for the win!
She's done it,
from out of nowhere!
This is amazing to watch, and look
at these fans, they're eating it up!
This is a rags-to-riches
cinderella-story that we're watching.
An enviable run from what we all
thought was a, a lay person!
- Dreams can come true.
- They do, they do, everyday...
and I can tell you, I know
what she's going through,
and she feels good right now!
And that's what this sport
is all about.
Stories like that,
like what happened today.
What an exciting finish.
That girl is smart.
[MUFFLED APPLAUSE]
Okay, all right,
- So we're definitely in a mall...
- [LAUGHS]
And I think, I think I'm getting
this.
I totally know
where we're at now.
Okay, watch your step.
- I smell the food court...
- [LAUGHS]
We stopped walking.
Can I take this off now?
Here let me do it.
[STRING QUARTET MUSIC #]
Someone has been
very irresponsible
with her Scrabble winnings.
I don't have to worry
about money.
I get a hundred bucks a year
from my step-dad.
[LAUGHING]
You made a cloud.
And its a heart.
And I can see it.
Thank you.
[EXULTANT MUSIC #]
# The corners are fading, when
we're looking at the right angle #
# The colors are bleeding, when
we're looking at the right angle #
# Stand on the edge, but the
danger keeps us out of our heads #
# Underground, on the platform
swallowed up by the sound #
# And the trains don't care,
so let's be honest here #
# The signs are repeating, when
we're looking at the right angle #
# I know you'll believe me, when
you're looking at the right angle #
# When you're looking at the
right angle... #
# When you're looking at the
right angle... #
# When you're looking at the
right angle... #
# When you're looking at
the right angle #