Rag Tale (2005) Movie Script

1
Can't see the sun no more but
that don't mean I'm cheering
My bodies heating up and
naughty's what I'm feeling.
If I don't get up
out of here I just
might lose my head in here
Rather take myself
somewhere I gotta burn it off
Live and breathe
It's about to get hot
I'm feelin' that
It's about to get hot
So keep your eyes
on your man cause
it's good he's feeling bad
All the seed is crazy
and I like it on me
It's about to get hot
It's about to get hot.
Excuse me.
I want to cast it on
I wanna be contagious.
Excuse me.
Everyone's feeling it so
hot it could be dangerous
All my people are
up in here were gonna
lose our head in here.
Good morning Mrs. Morton.
Oh hello you.
How are you?
I'm alright, how are you?
Pretty good, how
was your weekend?
Yeah it was great actually.
What are you doing showing
away the going on march?
Stretchyly, you know.
Oh I had to get the
plan book by car.
The gun was here, yeah.
We need to go to that shack.
Talk to Luke Forey again.
Yeah.
It's 140 dollars, no pounds.
That's American.
140 pounds.
140 pounds.
I just cannot stand
searching for parking space.
It's,
very, very boring.
It is, yeah.
Stick up, it's the third time.
Start parking
closer to our train.
Then I have to wait
for hours and hours
for him to show up.
And I like parking in the road.
You could just park
wherever you want.
That's so true.
Hello, you.
All my people up in here we're
gonna lose our head in here
Top to bottom everywhere
we're gonna burn it up oh yeah
It's about to get hot
I feel it
It's about to get hot
So keep your eyes on
your man cause it's good
he's feeling bad
All this seems crazy
and I like it on me
I feel it
Breathe in breathe out.
Debsie?
Yeah.
Thank you gorgeous.
All you slack offs,
back to your desk.
Fuck off.
You in?
What do you think?
Debs.
Good morning.
I need the agenda
for the meeting.
Okay.
Dump Josh yet?
Oh good, having
to battle already.
You do know,
that all rugby players
are gay don't you?
Yes, that's exactly why
I'm going out with
him, well done.
Well good luck.
Good observation.
Okay.
Print the emails will you?
Yes.
All of these are the emails.
Breathe in breathe out
It's about to get hot.
I give up on this
Giddion Hoffman business
with the cambly.
You know these American
casino's are running,
gonna play ball
with Gordon Brown.
And what is the
concessionary tax?
Nothing, it's
not original and that one.
Felix?
Felix are you responsible
for that splash?
That's the most boring
one we've had all year.
What do you mean boring?
I got a head like a pigs ass.
Morning.
Morning Sunny.
An Emperor and a graveyard.
There will be a bottom,
I'm not gonna put it
in the graveyard pages, the sun.
And not you as well.
Oh for god sake.
That is the dullest head man
I've ever seen in my life.
I'm dealing with the
most important election
for the last 50 years.
You're dealing with
the most boring election
for 40 years and you're
making it more boring.
It's about what's inside,
it's not about the headline.
The crews wants to
claim Everest in a drawer.
Election headline.
Come on now there,
that's political.
A nights of lust with Gary.
My night of lust.
Various night of lust, yes.
So fucking trivial,
Cormac, you know that?
Alright, can we go now?
Nearly 11.
Disfrivalist pricks.
Disappointment, Felix.
What's a disappointment?
Too close to call.
Scottish twat.
Was it you who wrote that?
Put this my little
bit on the front.
Really boring, Felix.
To close to call.
Debs.
Put me through to Eddy.
I'll put him through
for you, one moment.
Eddy,
Editor in Chief's on the line,
I'm gonna put him through.
Yeah we'll take a message,
No I think he'll
want to take this call.
No you need to take the call.
No, I'm in a real rush.
You need to, here.
Let me do that.
Okay well you distribute
all those will you?
Fuck.
I haven't got time for this.
- Eddy?
- Richard.
How are ya?
I'm well, thank you.
How are things?
Good.
What's zenning you today?
Well it's all the
election stuff which I'm not
looking forward to.
I'm so bored with this election.
I think we all are.
It just doesn't sell
newspapers, does it?
No but Peter's got
this wonderful idea of
putting a picture of Bush
on the bottom of a bikini.
Good, that'll be good.
The stars and stripes on a
nice pair of breasts, huh?
I suppose so, anything
to spice it up a bit.
Listen.
What can I do for you?
I've got something of
a personal nature I want
to talk to you about.
Well?
Are you sitting down?
I am now.
Good.
Eddy repeat after me would you?
Screwing the chairman's
wife is not part of
my job description.
You got that?
Sorry
I can't hear anything.
Is this a joke?
No, no, it's not a joke, Eddy.
Repeat after me.
Screwing the chairman's wife.
Come on.
Screwing the chairman's wife.
I don't understand, what,
what, I don't understand.
Eddy,
we're both speaking
English here aren't we?
Screwing the chairman's
wife is not part of
my job description.
Are you still there?
Screwing the chairman's wife.
Screwing the chairman's wife.
Is not part of
my job description.
Is not part of
my job description.
Thank you.
You know,
frankly,
I'm very hurt by the betrayal.
I mean,
you know what do
you think MJ is?
Do you think she's
a company perk?
Now I'm just gonna
think about this.
And then I'm going
to decide what to do.
And I suggest you think
long and hard about it too.
Alright?
I'll talk to you later.
Fuck.
Alright so, tomorrow.
Exit polls.
Okay those should
be coming in actually
throughout the day.
Uh no, not throughout the day.
Hello?
Debs,
get me MJ.
Just right here, MJ?
Alright?
Hello?
Darling?
Hi love.
Will you call me as soon as
you get out of the meeting?
Okay, will do.
Call me as soon as it's over.
Uh yeah, that's
what I just said.
As soon as you're finished.
I just said that.
Yeah, alright.
Okay.
Love ya, bye.
Lea, remind me I have to call
Richard as soon as we're out.
Yeah, okay.
No, as soon as we're out.
Hello, Felix out front
of the booth seems to have
been on as well, give us a ham
sandwich and a bar mitzvah.
Sports fan as we had discover.
I hope five to a bed.
No, in London.
With his banker.
German banker.
Oh for God sake.
Is this a reliable?
We don't know
we'll just have to see it.
Well you know
what cruises loyals are like.
Morning all.
Morning.
Eddy.
Alright, now.
Who are we gonna get
this week after the
monumental fuck up
at which today's front page.
What the fuck were you thinking?
Eddy you agreed
that title, I'm sorry.
No, no, no, I wanted
When Bush Comes to Shove.
I mean get your
fucking act together.
I mean do we have to nanny
this paper seven days a week?
I'm sorry Eddy, it was
a simple misunderstanding.
Alright, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Alright we just need a big,
sexy story for tomorrow now.
A big,
non-election splash.
What's anybody got?
Sally, what do you got?
I've got Victoria Beckham,
she's admitted she can't
sing, she's jacked in
fashion design and now
thank fuck for that.
Thought we'd run some
of our new collection
but more importantly, we've
got the first pictures
of the baby bump.
We've got a picture
without a poncho.
P3 showed it may
and you can see it.
You can actually see it growing.
From our fashion
pages I've got look
alike Sienna Fraratenna.
That's brilliant.
And I've got a
nice new mens thing,
a makeover piece, bits
I've gotta bit like hard,
I thought we'd start
with Bin laden.
Fantastic.
To be a little bit topped on.
But he's actually got a lovely
little face under that turban
and that beard, you know?
And Abu Hansa, he's another
good looking fellow,
thought we'd have
him the week after.
Call it scrape your face.
Fantastic.
That's got a hook.
Mac, what do you got for me?
Right the Manchester
related arsenal feud,
vanished the royals
got a three magic band.
Amre Stamtehensiser
at bear camp punches Smith.
I see a fucker, let's
open the player hooligans.
Very good.
Please read.
Yeah I got two green splash now.
It's coming off the wire.
First one is to do is
for the election tomorrow
in the states.
It's great photograph of Bush.
I don't want election stuff.
Okay but the second one is
I think is more important,
it's see CUN abductees
in Afghanistan,
I've got a photograph
of the three of them
being held at gun point, all
three are weeping profusely.
The Taliban have declared
open season and killed
38 workers so far this year.
No one else has run with it.
Jeff the reason nobody's
run with it because
Afghan, Iraq to our readership,
very, very interchangeable.
We have a readership that
confuses Afghanistan and Iraq.
I think we have a
campaign or a story,
we have a campaign, we
don't take them to Felugia,
we take them out of the
country all together.
I'm loving that.
And we bring them all.
Bring the black watch leading
the British troops on mass
led with a black watch paper.
Not to Felujia but out
of Iraq altogether.
Take them all.
Yeah.
And we leave them out, the
queen mother's no longer the.
Coroner Chief of the Black
Watch if she ever was one but
you know, we could get
Chamella park and balls.
The Menno will be an
excellent choice indeed.
Gotta love the regiment
and indeed hopefully
eventually our queen I mean.
It's part of the job really and
this Camilla, you know,
runs off and sees her on
her horse, fag in mouth.
Sexually cracky as
she's then become
the first to celebrate.
Actually can move quickly on
from Colonel Chief to being
queen of this country.
Eventually getting rid of
all that gasty German blood
we no longer want.
So I propose Herst
Camilla, Colonel in Chief,
then Camilla for queen.
I would like
to put that out.
Charles can become Prince Regi?
How close, how ready is that?
It's ready to go but 1,000
word piece and I've got a--
- Okay but it's not going.
I love it, it's
cynical, it's hilarious,
let's not go there.
Honestly.
Let's put a moratorium on
all this monarchy bashing.
I am fed up, sick,
nauseated by it.
Well let's put a
moratorium on a monarchy.
70% of the public
loves the royal family.
Oh come on.
And here we are bashing
them, it's easy and it's fun.
Sirigal and royalist
ar even reading our paper
cause we are
opening up a debate,
we can't go back,
this is like some mad reaction.
We've just become like
all the other papers.
Exactly.
This is reactionary bullshit.
It's not, you're saying
that the paper's getting old
and it's getting stale and we
keep running the same thing
and I'm giving you something.
No I'm saying the election's
boring is what I'm saying.
Let me a story,
okay? True story.
When I was a little girl,
my father wakes me up
in the middle night,
like four in the morning.
Says MJ come down stairs,
you must see this.
We all gather as a family
in front of the television
to watch the House of Spencer
and the House of Windsor wed,
it's the royal wedding.
And we're sitting
there with our coco.
I didn't think it
would come to that.
And these are memories that
I cherish as an American.
Look okay, just come on.
The point is, that
this monarchy bashing
shits on
peoples enduring memories
and that's what you're doing,
you're just shitting on them.
We destoryed Princess Dahn.
We followed her into that
tunnel, we snapped our pictures
and we killed her endoety.
We did it.
That is what is
exactly what happened.
I'm sorry, sweet
dear Mac and cousins.
Heart as big as houses
but unfortunately
handkerchiefs are
as big as sheets.
And you just can't be
sentimental about everything.
And with Diana, you're
elevating a rather
deranged kindergarten
teacher to the
status of Bambi's mother.
Can I quickly say that we
are not running a pro-monarchy
piece in our paper tomorrow.
Oh I think you will be.
I mean the truth is
every time I go passed
Buckingham Palace
I look and I think,
I'm paying for that so
I'm fucking aloud in it.
The prime real estate banging
the senator of London.
It belongs to the country
that the country can't use.
It should be a
shopping center really.
Turn it into a roller
skating ring guys, yeah.
You get rid of the
royalty you have no England.
What do you want? You want
Tony Blaire for president?
Ikea.
Disney Land.
That's a good idea.
Super casino.
A knocking shop for
the signipiao then.
It's a right shape, right
shape for a coflin warehouse.
Coflin warehouse, B&B.
B&B.
Are we finished? I
mean what are we doing?
We're just sitting, waiting
for something to happen,
can we wrap this?
Okay, alright, I've got
a headline for tomorrow.
Tomorrow's splash is gonna be,
Bulldoze Buck Palace.
Chamella and a hard hand?
Maybe put a sledge
hammer in the hand.
We can get our readers to
write in with everything
to firm in with our own ideas.
Fuck.
I need a quote from
Scott Litzargary,
you understand a fucking quote?
So get me a fucking quote.
Sort of a gender
going on here on this,
let's bulldoze the
palace bullocks.
This is the busiest
news week of the year
but we're running
this kind of thing,
it could run for two months.
It's commercial
sense for god sake.
Commercial says it all.
Look every other paper's
speculating their asses off
and that was happening
in the election.
Well that's every
other paper because
every other paper
has to do that.
Is this an editor's
must or are we topper?
Hey Felix.
What are you doing for lunch?
Nothing.
Okay yeah, dinner's
at one o'clock, alright?
Thanks, yeah, lovely.
Is that table for two
or table for three is it?
I'd imagine it was for
two unless he's inviting
the household calvary.
You do know Felix that
going for lunch this early
in the week with Eddy
very often leads to a.
P45 by tea time.
Fuck off.
Well one to alamany was
over but it's happened before.
Debby?
Could you just come
over here for a second?
Debbie,
Yes?
Debs, could you just
confirm this for me
and for Felix that when
people are invited for lunch
on a Monday it usually
means that they spend
the rest of their career
at lunching the lure.
That is a short list.
Is it very short? How
short is a short list?
It's quite short.
I'm not on anyone's black list.
Felix.
Yes?
I was thinking Adam
for the row piece.
He's on it, I told you.
He did?
Yeah I told him this
morning, like you said.
Oh, thanks.
Good.
If you're on the short.
What is, what's going on there?
I don't know.
Hello.
Okie dokie, we're on.
You will run my monarchy
piece in tomorrows paper.
Uh, no I won't.
Media manipulation of
the monarchy by MJ Morton,
yes you will.
Now, I'm, I'm.
You were very dismissive of
me in this mornings meeting.
Well it's a very extraordinary--
- Done degrading me in
front of all our colleagues?
Do you enjoy that?
No I didn't enjoy it,
I just didn't enjoy,
don't make it so personally.
Everybody's treated exactly
the same, know what I mean?
Oh yeah?
Oh yeah.
Uh oh.
What?
You just look a little,
I don't know.
What's up?
Do you ever wonder
if this is the most
sensible thing that we could do?
Know a slowly sensible
thing we could do.
Is that what's on your brain.
I know it's dreadful and bad
and we must stop we really
can't keep doing it you know?
Sit down for me.
It's gonna end badly.
You know that.
I'm serious.
Can't keep doing this.
Okay.
You okay?
We really can't.
No I agree, it's crazy.
Just like then now.
Listen, I'm serious.
Me too.
I mean I don't know what's
so much to lose, right?
No we should just
be adult about this.
I know.
It's so bad.
Just feels so good.
I know.
We really
shouldn't be doing this.
Shut up.
Breathe in breathe out
It's about to get hot
I feel it now
It's about to get hot
So keep your eyes on your man
Cause it's good he's feeling bad
All this heat is crazy
And I like it on me
It's about to get hot
It's about get hot.
You are
a naughty girl
in the world.
Bingo.
Donald Anderson,
remind me, remind me.
Back bencher, back
sementro, I know.
The real story there
was as gold and brown.
Listen,
somebody making love?
Something happening.
This is such a mistake and I'm,
I am sorry.
Please don't do that.
Please don't give me
that fucking bullshit.
Okay the real story is what?
What, that he's given
us what? 450 casinos?
No, no.
His brown is resisting
any idea of the American's
having a reduced
concessionary tax.
You've got to
understand this is the most.
Keep your fucking voice down.
stressful relationship
anybody could ever possibly have
and it's getting worse--
- Next time you want to
break up with somebody yeah,
why don't you do it
before you fuck them?
Look,
it was
a mistake and I
I really am sorry.
That's a really
lousy thing to say.
I know, but I am I don't
know what else to say.
Sending now.
We've been together four months.
It hasn't been four
months, it's been two months.
What are you
fucking talking about?
It's been two months.
We got together June 28th.
June, July, August,
September, October, November.
Five months.
No I'm doing that wrong.
June--
- It's however long it is,
look, look, look, look.
Your plan is horsing into
something that isn't.
You know it's a really
nice, really good time.
You're really good fuck.
I mean it's never
of the worlds great
fucking other fish, was
it? I mean it was lovely.
Honestly but,
you know what I mean.
Yeah, I think I do.
Here we go.
Oh look.
Everyone's got it.
Yeah.
I'll spell check that.
Now look man,
everybody's on chat.
You're a real shit, Eddy.
Not just flattering you.
Don't do this.
He's coming.
He wants to
hit them for about 40-50%
so it's his little stealth tax.
God, rows have
gotta be turning the
kidneys after waking and.
My, my, my.
He's coming,
he's coming, he's coming.
He's coming out.
Where's Debs?
Where is she, where is she?
There she is.
Bloody hell.
That was mad.
Unbelievable.
I'd like to talk to Eddy about.
- Where is Eddy?
- - Where is Eddy?
Well Catholic goldem
gals for the chop anyway.
Yeah well I think it's,
I think that's our angle
is that we go for
something that preaches the
pratulian rate to turn
against the flag by now.
Las Vegas coach
of Vienna, Italy.
So it's like you're
looking for someone like
cash versus trash or something.
Sorry, what was that?
Cash.
He looks like he's
ready for lunch.
It's like a fish cloth.
Sally.
Check that.
Oh.
What's all that about?
Don't know.
Fat ball on hand I'm sure.
The Sally May?
Cormac,
little miss darly just come
out of the relaxation room
face like thunder.
Oh yeah?
Maybe her botox are slips?
Do you have any idea
what's going on?
Okay I thought
that, I'll phone Lucky.
Yeah, alright, lovely, bye.
What'd he say?
He's gonna phone Lucky.
Lucky's not gonna know anything.
You seen Eddy?
Oh she is upset, isn't she?
What's Eddy done to her?
5% of the population speak up.
Cormac?
So, trouble in
paradise I gather?
Yeah, alright,
it looks like a man
who can't get a reason any
sense of the word but listen,
I'm only the news
editor so don't
expect me to know anything ever,
I suggest you talk to our
social secretary Felix.
Alright, okay, okay, that's all.
Yes, what?
Felix, what gives?
Look if you're wanting
a bonker love updater
I suggest you go to the
chap man of our lusting
secret secretaries.
Use your manners or
in your case your rat.
I'll take you up on that.
Oh, dear oh dear oh dear.
You knew about this, didn't you?
I know and I care less.
Felix?
Bloody stupid distraction.
Come on.
So slow.
Ah, wallah.
Read my lips.
I think it's a great review, I
think it's in the wrong place
and I'm surprised, that's all.
That's not what I said.
We've got mail, Peach.
I think the mail should've
came straight to me.
This'll cheer you up.
So we won't be running
with it, that's that.
Excellent, excellent,
she's gone.
Another one bites the dust.
Too much detail.
I've been promoted
to a syndrome.
Yes we all know that.
How long before he'll
come crawling back?
Get him on the phone.
Straight away?
Yep.
So once the bulldozers have
pounded Buckingham Palace
to dust and we have instead
the Buckingham Complex,
we could also mark up some
pictures of the war family
in the uniforms and clothes
of the roles they might have
when the place is a car
phone warehouse for example
or a mother story cop up
so you got a Princess Mike
if Kendra's a cashout girl or.
Prince Edward done up as a
construction worker, you know.
Metal helmet.
Felix, it's a lovely feature
for two days before Christmas
or April Fool's Day but
as far as a front of
the book for tomorrow
as we still run
something on the election
or if we can get some
of the killers for this,
this Gabe killing
on the south bank.
I've got a
great story for you.
There's a chairman of
a big national paper
who's wife
has been having an affair
with the editor.
Does the,
the chairman know that his
wife is having an
affair with the editor?
Oh yeah.
Does the,
does the wife know that
the chairman knows?
I don't think so.
And how does the
chairman know?
I don't know.
Phone tap?
Nah I don't think so.
Informer?
Seems a mass lightly.
Maybe the wife told him.
I don't think so.
But she might have done it.
To get the editor's job.
Nah.
That's not right.
No?
No.
Seems to me that this
editor's got a lot of questions
that he needs to
find the answers to.
Look darling, can we go in?
One minute I'll just.
Shall we?
Hey.
Yeah can you get Richie
on the phone for me please.
Sure, but do you want
him on video phone?
Yep.
Cause your ex wife
is also on video phone.
Christ.
Do you want me to
pass you through to her first?
Yeah you better.
I think so.
- Chop.
- Chop.
Hello?
Hello.
Hello.
Hello, what do you
want, what do you want?
Is this a bad time?
What's up with you?
Nothing I'm in the middle of a
meeting and I'm really busy.
Department of Justice
turned down the application.
Well maybe they did.
What do you need, come on.
I'm offering you
a chance to spend
more time with your kids.
Listen I thought I was
doing every other weekend
as the arrangement.
Well how about thinking
about Thursday night?
What is going there?
Thursday what time?
I need to be out
the door at 7:30?
Okay.
That's fine.
What is wrong?
Something happening?
No I'm fine, okay
I'll see you then.
Bye.
Bye.
So predictable.
Sit and wait
and watch the space.
You done?
Yep, can you put me channel?
Yeah.
Two ticks.
Eddy.
Yeah, hello, Hi Richard.
What's up?
Listen, about this
conversation we had
on the telephone,
we had this morning,
now listen I don't know
where you got the story from.
But it is absolutely unsure,
I have too much respect
for you and for the paper
and for myself and you know.
Oh he's categorically
denying it.
Hello.
Debs, right.
I need to see tomorrows
splash right away.
Okay, okay.
I'll send that.
Soon as in soon.
Tis' done.
They're um,
tied up and.
I'm just here about the splash.
I know.
I don't care about that.
- I know.
- Thanks.
- Thanks Debs.
- - Okay.
Apart from anything else,
I have my family to consider.
Yes, and a career Eddy.
And you won't be
hearing the end of this.
Yes?
Hello?
Now he's pissed
off, very frightening.
Hello? Aw shit.
Hello?
Eddy?
Yep.
- Are you there?
- Yeah, hello.
Are you there?
Yes I'm here.
Eddy, let me just
point out to you.
That I've always let you have
complete editorial freedom.
I have never as a proprietor
and owner of this newspaper,
I have never
interfered with policy.
Am I correct?
You are correct.
I am, thank you.
Well that is about to change.
I've been in discussions
with Sir James's power
since royal highness
Prince of Whales.
We're trying to improve
public perception.
We've been making
certain recommendations
to him on a private basis.
So it's very hypocritical
of me to be making
suggestions and
recommendations on the one hand
and on the other hands is to
have my news paper, The Rag,
castigating the Raw
family on a daily basis.
Now that has to stop.
Now this is what I
want you to do, Eddy.
I want you to get
Felix or whoever
to write some leading
articles pro-monarchy.
What?
That's what I want you to
do and I want them to support
my recommendations
to the prince.
Do I make myself clear?
Now,
this is not a request, Eddy.
This is a requirement.
Do I make myself clear?
You do make yourself clear.
Good.
Recommendations to the prince.
Hell hath no fury, Eh?
What have you done, Eddy?
What have you done?
This is getting--
- In 30 years it's gonna be
like the express in the 50's.
Yeah through a
Jukovet and Row borders.
This is getting
very, very interesting.
It's making a lot of
sense to something that just
happened an hour ago.
- Yeah exactly.
- Yeah.
Hello?
Hello, darling.
Hi, sweetheart.
How are you?
I'm alright.
I thought you were gonna
call me after the meeting.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
Are you, are you smoking?
Yes.
You said you wouldn't have
a light up before lunch.
I know I said that.
You said you wouldn't
smoke before lunch.
I know I said that
but I'm smoking now,
I'm not having a great day.
Anyway, did you uh,
did you manage to talk to
Eddy about the monarchy thing?
He doesn't wanna do
the piece, alright?
You mean you can't
talk him round?
No, I'm going to, don't
worry, I'm on it, I'm on it,
I'm working on it, it's just
gonna take a little while.
Alright?
Well I,
I think you should work on it.
Listen I got a lot of work
to do today so I'm gonna
hang up, alright?
And stop smoking.
- Alright.
- - Alright, buh-bye.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Triple F and it's still too
small, can you believe that?
Curly what are some
30 different pages.
What's cooking, guys?
I'd say hooligan football
is again the front bridge.
Who's this girl
on the front page?
Where's my idea gone?
Of course it was, okay.
Bulldoze Buck Palace
is tomorrow's splash,
I liked it this morning,
but I fucking love it now.
Camilla for Queen will
do later in the week.
Check the cartoon.
This is fantastic.
Who did this?
Jimmy.
Aresenic, yeah.
See that'll run
that full page, Eddy.
I've got Camilla as
well, I've got foxy lady.
Her head stuck on a high
decloom in a fox fur bikini.
Lovely, the hunt is on.
She loves it, she loves to chase
the little orange fuckers.
The hunt is on.
Paris Hilton's lips as well.
Lovely.
The hunt is on for the royals.
It's gonna be the worst
week in their life.
Yes.
Elizabeth the second
is Elizabeth the lost.
Well done.
But we've got their
successors haven't we?
Yeah.
Possum bears.
Fantastic.
God save our gracious past.
Long live our noble beds.
Listen you just gotta
get me a steak small.
Eddy just check
that for page three,
Sheila from Sednom
right up the street.
Bam he's rocking into that.
Want some nipple in tomorrow eh?
Yeah, okay.
Cosmetic, celebrities,
surgery, swap shops.
Swap the features about,
guess who they are.
Lovely.
Cormac, does she ever shut up?
Come on let's get a
handle on the scandal.
Juice it up.
Tulloch?
I'm going to lunch.
And maybe some time.
So Morton knows
about Eddy and MJ?
Of course I suppose
we all guessed that.
I guess he was
saying Richard was upset.
I know all of that but
what I want to know is,
did Eddy actually fess
up he'd been jacking?
He's holding the
paper to ransom,
he wants to change policy.
He wants us to go pro-royal.
Eh, takes up my time here.
Look, Ed, as there's talk
that is all going around.
Yeah let's
just all go for lunch.
Where are we going?
Going for lunch, early lunch.
Can you believe it?
That's his lady,
yeah absolutely.
Absolutely, what do you want?
Fuckin A, that's
what I'm saying,
he wants to turn to the whole
pause of the paper around.
Debs,
secret lunch.
I'm gonna go to
Jeter's probably be
couple of hours,
something like that.
So just hold the fort down.
Come over here
with us you old sod.
Yeah I was just,
I was just going to.
How are you?
I'm fine.
Yeah?
I thought it was just
gonna be the two of us.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh for fuck sake.
Lea.
Yes?
Get me Eddy please.
I don't think he's here.
What?
Hey MJ.
Debs, get me Eddy right now.
Oh he's not here, sorry.
Yeah I know he's
not here, where is he?
Get him for me.
I have no idea, I'm sorry.
I think he's off
his phone as well.
Alright can you
get me Felix, please?
You know what he's
not here either, sorry.
Patch me through to his mobile.
All the phones are just
switched off I think.
Alright, what about Lloyd?
I think no ones here.
I don't understand
this, where is everybody?
Are they out together?
I don't know.
Looks like we've
got an empty office.
Alright, alright, alright.
- Debs?
- - Yeah?
When Eddy gets in,
you have him come
see me right away.
Yeah sure, it'll be a
couple of hours I think.
Alright, thanks very much Debs.
Okay, bye.
Fuck.
Look at it this way,
Eddy, you get the push,
MJ gets the editorship
and suddenly
you've got a royalist Rag.
I'm pissed off I wasn't
there for that call.
You gotta remember with
somebody like Morton,
I mean when they impose
the world they do so
for no other reason then
to oppose to the world.
Yes but he's never
had a record as being a
hands on proprietor before,
he's never done it,
there's no record
of him doing that before
and there's obviously
no record of him.
He changes because
he wants to change.
That's because nobody's
fucked his wife before.
If PR tempest is good
to turn a paper only the
second editor, a popular editor.
He's like him though even though
he fucked his
misses, he likes him.
This is a preciously
bad time to do this.
No it was a very
sexy and very sexy to
turn a paper around on him.
Maybe he wants her gone.
It sounds the most
brutal thing to me so far.
The man wants him gone.
We are staying with our policy.
Good man.
Yeah but no, I don't get it.
No, the front page
is with the splash is.
Bulldoze Buck Palace alright?
No, no, it doesn't
matter what he says.
Well I'll take responsibility
because I'm the editor.
What I say goes, okay?
Do take care of it, would you?
Toch, I'll get a taxi.
Mac, do you wanna share a cab?
Listen you penis.
What are you doing?
I'm going south
to the river, mate.
Do you want a drink?
Yeah.
Come on in.
I don't wanna go home yet.
I'll look after ya.
You're alright with me.
Come on darling,
let's have some work.
Who here thinks the Rag is
the best paper in the world?
It's the best
paper in the world.
How long you been down here?
Don't fuckin'
start on me, mister.
Only been in
if he gets this.
Lord Esa.
So Richard Morton,
he sounds like a fuckin' idiot.
Sir Dick.
Lord Goddick.
He's got no cards it's like,
so,
neuvo reach Harris Disclatic.
What shit.
What are you gonna do
if he sacks you?
I don't know.
I haven't even
thought about that.
Perhaps gonna get another job.
Cheers.
Well we all will.
Fuck.
You need to get proper vodka.
Eddy where have you gone?
Eddy?
Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy.
You know what?
Really seriously feeling drunk.
- Yeah.
- Alright.
You're gonna have a brain
wave in the morning.
You're gonna know that
everything that you should do.
Yeah.
I love you.
I love you too.
Get your hand off your chin.
It's a good idea
having a lot of stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a great idea.
Don't wanna be your
dirty little secret
It's just too much
Don't wanna be your
dirty little secret
I don't wanna be
Don't wanna be your
dirty little secret
Entertainment takes
wits for no man.
Eddy.
Orange juice, black on it.
Now this is an all time
favorite, that is pure gold.
My life is fucked.
Beautiful.
For the love of god coffee.
- Eddy, my feelings this.
- Yeah.
I don't think you're
gonna get the sack on this.
But you will find though
that your autonomy
has been seriously
curtailed.
I think you're right, I think.
My first thought is
you're gonna be the
threat of the threat.
So we have to get
something on Morton.
The chairman has
brought the fight to me,
if he's bringing the fight to me
I will take the fight to him.
You took the fight to
him by poking the payroll.
We have the process
of do you wanna have MJ
sitting in my seat?
Fuck no.
Do we want the
anti-monarchy's policy
turned on their heads?
We'll not be there to
see it, we'll be gone.
Do we want another
generation of princes, ponces
and archs, prats, running
our country, no we do not.
What we wanna do is
we wanna threaten him,
we wanna scare him,
we need a headline,
we need a picture,
we need something to
rock more news worlds.
You'll have to make
it up today's express.
No point in seering
for your old age,
and the one thing
that Cormac's put out
was the benching scam,
now unfortunately
it came too late.
I think you'll have to have
something sitting there,
I think you'll have
the contingency.
Something you can
hold over his head.
Something, a human
interest story.
Charles Pool.
Charles point is sexy.
Drugs are sexy.
Prostitutes are sexy.
Bestiality is sexy.
Now regarding the picture,
Morph.
Who is he?
Very, very flakey.
Does pictures for us, he does,
you remember the one with
Tess Jarldson and
to the Godfather?
Yeah.
He did that?
And the less face
slaughters head.
Let me meet him.
Fine.
Let me see what he can do.
That's a good idea.
Morph?
Morph?
Who is that?
Felix.
Fuckin' hell.
Hello stranger.
Hi.
What are you just,
passing through the
neighborhood were you?
Can't say I noticed
a neighborhood.
Can I sit down?
I'll say you.
What are you here for?
An old job.
Oh fuck.
I feel like you'd like the job.
Or am I just--
- Come on Felix, what
do you want me to do?
Well it would require
very imaginative work.
Well I'd like to
stop you there, Felix.
While you're up and out,
what's it gonna cost?
- We get our pictures.
- Yeah.
We're talking about pictures.
Plural not singular.
And you get
50,000 pounds.
Oh do I?
And the rest?
Oh come on.
Oh come on what?
Like you don't fuckin' owe me.
Felix, lovely to have seen
you, I hope you're well.
And well you fuck
off on the way out.
Boom suteny.
75?
100 grand.
I think maybe you
should leave now.
Morph, for a second,
I'm looking around at
this breathtaking decor,
you're walking away
from 50,000 pounds?
Well this was gonna cost
you under 1,000 pounds.
But of course we are friends,
I'm going to offer
you 60,000 pounds.
Um, 100,000 pounds.
Are you taking
a piss aren't you?
Maybe.
There's no way we're gonna
pay you 100,000 pounds.
Alright listen, wherever is this
person you want fitten up?
Cause you must be pretty
desperate otherwise
you would've known
not to come to me.
You wouldn't show your
face around my house
unless you had a good reason.
Come on, must be
worth 100,000 pounds.
I would go
to 75,000 pounds.
10,000 pounds cash in advance.
What do you say to that?
We're up to 85,000
pounds now that's--
- I like that figure but you
know what figure I like more?
95,000.
What about
90?
Deal.
And this will
help you run around.
Where am I wrong for this?
Fuckin' George Bussel's asshole,
for fuck sake.
Morton fucking
gem, that's vanity.
Couldn't remember
exactly what you took,
so I brought a
bit of everything.
So it's a sort of lucky bag.
Sort of Kellogg's variety.
It's touching to
see someone who takes such
good care of their families.
There you go,
you are a fucking corker.
Well, well, well.
Hello, darling.
What a lovely surprise.
How do you feel?
Thought if I camped out
in your office long enough
I might actually get a
chance to speak to you.
Well I'm a very busy
man, what do you want?
Currently.
I've been trying to reach
you since lunch yesterday.
Debs had no idea where you were.
Couldn't get you on your mobile.
Where were you?
I had a lunch meeting
with the boys yesterday.
There was a
scandal brewing and we
needed to thrash it through.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Well,
tell me all.
I'd love to darling but it's
too hot even for you right now.
Felix was with you too?
All the boys were there.
Everyone was there?
That boy was there.
And Lloyd?
Lloyd was there.
What about Sally?
Sally was there too.
She's one of the boys?
She is one of the boys.
But I'm not one of the boys?
You are the deputy editor.
And as deputy
editor I need to be
able to reach the editor.
I needed to reach
you last night.
Or the election.
Something I wanna
talk to you about.
Yeah.
Did you get my message?
About the robe thing?
No, I didn't, no what was it?
So your mobile's not gonna
read your messages now either?
I didn't pick em' up, I'm sorry.
That's alright.
Where were you?
I had,
a fashion meeting.
Oh.
Great.
This is about Richard, is
that what this is about?
Did he call you? Does
he know about us?
Did he threaten you?
Did you tell him anything?
Did I tell Richard about us?
Are you out of
your fucking mind?
Is this the sort of thing you
discuses in your relationship?
No, Eddy.
I prepared a piece
for tomorrow's paper.
I expect you to run it.
Appreciate it.
Oh work, your
timing's impeccable.
Time means everything
when your job's on the line.
I believe the
plagers, take this off.
I just wanna go with
a couple of you.
I'll take it Marie.
Tara, lovely skin tones.
Oh thank you.
Let's get some pictures.
Daffney, you ready?
Yes.
Can you just twist
lightly to your right.
Oh yep and again.
There, yeah.
Baby your hands down.
Bring in your arms
down slowly yeah.
To your left ring.
Yeah, that's it, that's
great, that's great.
And again, bringing your
arms down slowly, yeah.
Oh that's great, that might
be creepy behind your back.
Lovely.
Lovely, that's the match,
yeah that's it that's the one.
Awesome.
Great yeah.
She doing a profile?
That is it,
that's all I need from you.
Alright.
That's gonna do
it for you today.
Okay.
Yeah.
Oh that's lovely, that is, yeah.
Look down the lens,
the lens is me, ready?
Samantha,
sing to me again,
put your left leg in.
Yeah.
Right there,
that's it, that's it,
that's it, that's it, yeah.
Oh that's beautiful, lovely,
move your head, keep moving
your head very slowly.
Long body turn.
What's he doing profiles for?
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, that's it, great.
That's it.
That's fine for you.
Morph do you know about
pasty photograph looks like?
What I've just done
is the pasty photograph,
what I've just done.
You haven't got a clue.
We did a lot in Northern
Island together, you know.
He was a real graphter.
Good.
And if he couldn't find
what he wanted at first
or second.
He'd um,
he'd be creative.
How?
He'd make it up.
Morph it down.
We need so, he's just
gonna absolutely destroy him.
We do.
Maximum impact.
Sally.
So it's one of the
big three isn't it?
Fraud.
- Take it you don't--
- Doesn't, no,
too long.
Sex scandal?
Everybody's having
sex everywhere.
No.
So it's gotta be
drugs, doesn't it?
Drugs, yeah.
I'll make a write
forward in heroin.
Class name,
Oian Laughter.
And it's not unusual is it?
I mean you go up in
sacks in a royal Tesla,
there's plenty of it about.
Richard Morton shooting up.
Yeah.
Morton does the hokey cokey.
I honestly love the
picture of that, I love that.
He's got the nostrils for us.
Could take half
a bag up his nose.
Alright do you wanna see him?
Yeah, let's go see him.
So the space between the back
and the back drop.
That'll scare him.
Drugs will be good.
So what do you've got for us?
Hello, I'm Eddy.
You got a real name?
No.
Nobody admits to.
He's got something special,
just watch this for 30 seconds.
On the left, you've
got bra size 32 A.
On the right, you've
got bra size 36 E.
Well we like to 32 A.
Hold on a minute, I mean this
isn't for page three is it?
We got page three,
Felix, chill for fuck sake.
Hey why do you got
32 A, she's a laudy
girl, lonely girl,
she's lonely we'd like
to give her the job
on the page see, however we
are always gonna go for 36.
- E.
- E.
I was thinking the only way
to succeed go in that way,
we buy a little
bit of an implants.
Well that was a shame.
Why bother with an implant
when you could do this.
I suppose one splash.
That's fantastic.
It's like inflatable tits.
You can use it as a feature.
Post feminist cosmetic
non-invasive surgery,
has she or hasn't she.
Had them done.
Wear a couple of swells?
Thank the memory,
memories are mad of this.
Ran him into Jordan.
Cyber cosmetic surgery
cuts out the knife,
that is one.
We're gonna have a
readership competition
which is whose boob job is this.
Prize could be a real boob job.
And I'll do that as.
Germangria but not as
Germangria son and like.
Create a German,
create a German.
Yeah what Eddy was saying,
interesting but
no really because
you know, I did this as
a bit of a demonstration
when I was sitting there
with the photographs
and whatever else
now that I'm assuming
that's not the reason why
you brought me in here.
No, it isn't.
You're a smart man aren't you?
I am.
So.
We need a quick work.
Just you wait, stay
right where you are.
Excuse me a minute.
Talking down to you.
What are they cooking
up for you, Morph?
Oh secret lies.
Yep.
Bored of enroll, who's new?
He's honestly very good.
Yes I told you he was good.
I need to guarantee
that he's gonna leave
absolutely no trail between us.
Look, he's completely
untraceable, alright?
No dangers in having the talk?
Do you trust him?
Look at my eyes.
Do you trust him?
Eddy, I trust him.
110%?
Eddy, I trust him.
- Good, go get him.
- Alright.
This is getting on
very thin ice here
and we are very close
to criminal activity
so you keep your nose clean.
Even if Morph doesn't.
Yeah well I'm
all out of options.
Okay.
Oy oi, Sabaloi.
What are you doing in
my bit of the office?
Do you know Morph, Sally?
Yeah I do, he's a
dodgy bloody bastard,
what do you want to know?
Don't get
competitive about money.
Alright girls,
that's a break for you.
Go and have some lunch or
whatever it is you need there.
Fucking penny bizarre,
they're all over the place.
Oh Christ, why me?
Right.
Morph, the brief.
We've been conducting
an investigation
on the Morton
household and we need a
little bit more evidence.
Along the chemical
route if you follow me.
- Yes.
- You see.
Now the thing is, this has
to happen very quickly.
24 hours ideally.
48 hours at the outside.
Yeah?
Fine, easy.
Except for well,
three things,
One, the money I was promised,
I want the money I was promised.
You'll get the money, Eddy, yes?
Yeah of course.
Two, the stuff you gave
me yesterday is gone,
so it needs replacing.
He needs more drugs.
- Double the budget.
- Yes.
And,
well, thirdly,
or was it fourth,
more importantly.
Thirdly.
There's no time.
Absolutely no time at all.
If you want me to do this
in 24 hours usually I would
spend at least
week getting ready.
And also,
The cartridge uses a long
lens, he's on the top floor.
There's no way.
So I need access
and I need a reason,
I need a cover story,
I need you know.
Alias.
Alias, to get into
the building and to be
in the building and for a
reasonable amount of times
where I can actually do
the job you want me to do.
Right.
A reason to be there.
Yes, yes.
Oh come on, what?
Chauffeur.
MJ.
How's that gonna work?
Anna sort of general dogs body.
Shopping,
she does a lot of that.
It's just someone
to look after me,
just the way she's never
in the fucking office,
she's always down in the car
pan getting a car inclant.
Alright, alright, alright.
Well I've got lots to do then.
Do you know how it work, Morph?
Okay what can I say, I
can't give you any promises
but no,
clearly I'm thinking in
the end it's possible.
If she's, not if she's
one of the main says,
I don't know Jordan, but
if she's one who kind of
always shopping,
always doing this
then it's always in and out.
It's possible.
You can't snoop around, can you?
Oh I certainly can
have a snoop around.
Let's get a bundle
of money, come on.
Come on Morph, you
need to get paid.
I'm writing something.
Then drive darling.
I'm a crazy, fucked up
asshole, what am I doing?
It'll be fine, Eddy.
Sherlock Holmes.
I'm more of a poet now, really.
I spend my time writing.
He's a cocky sod isn't he?
He is.
Matt what you got on this?
If nothing else.
He's terrifying.
Family of four.
I'm going the wrong way.
How many times.
Drive, drive, that's where
you do your job then.
There's a fucking wall.
Hi Lea, yeah listen to me.
The pharmacy's not going
to renew my prescription
so call Dr. Shrednick, Shrednick
and get me a refill if you can.
I'm going to Wengaze
on Elizabeth street
and also go on the
internet to drugstore.com
and get me the Ridelin there.
And use the Visa not the Amex.
Because I can't fucking focus.
Alright.
Thank you very much.
Listen,
I don't wanna be bold but
if you're having trouble
with the pharmaceuticals.
You are fabulous.
What's your name?
Well,
Morph.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Madame?
Hello, Felix?
Yeah.
No I'm gonna stay.
Alright let them just know
where the Cadillac display is.
It's Bob Bullox.
Right.
I'll call him Powell, I know.
I know we don't
literally know but
it is a rumor, just say it.
Where to madame?
Oh I'm sorry the
Latiseree, just go straight
I'll give directions.
Yes, Felix it's right here.
You know everything
you're saying Felix,
is giving me a headache.
Okay.
I want you to put me
through to Jim in graphics.
Hi, I've got some cheese
on hold for Morton.
Jim, what's our cover?
So lay it out for me.
Can do, you've got on the
hunt right? Thank you.
Yeah give it to me.
Thank you.
What are the others doing?
What's he doing in Mandarin?
See that's good.
Why can't we do
something like that?
What about the sun?
Because I do give out a sort.
Yes I do.
Where to madame?
We're going to the florist.
Florist.
So you're gonna go up the road
and the next light,
you're gonna make a right.
Alright.
I'm just following you.
Hello?
Oh.
Bullock?
No one's here, great.
Oh, here.
Put that over here.
Thank you very much, thank you.
Oh fuck I forgot
to get the patte.
You wanna get the tour?
- Yeah.
- The grand tour.
I'll show you the
best bits first.
Alright.
Like to see the best bits first.
Morph, right?
Yeah.
Call me whatever
you wanna call me.
Do you have any
extra?
Yeah, oh I do, yeah.
Anyone seen MJ?
Hello?
MJ?
Hello?
Absolute crap.
I love it.
Both for me?
Aye.
Thank you.
Done.
How's my nose?
Oh well you might wanna
have a little bit of it.
Here.
Little bit of attention to.
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
This is just so fucked up.
I have to get downstairs,
I don't wanna go.
I haven't even called
Felix about the election.
You've got a lot of
things to do, yeah.
Yes, yes, yes.
I'll get my stuff,
I'll get my stuff.
Well no wait wait.
I was wondering maybe
you'd like to hang out
for a little while.
Oh at your discretion.
Really?
Yeah.
I would like
that, alright great.
So I'll come visit you.
Alright well I'll just
keep just right out here.
I'll chill out here yeah.
Yeah, save a
little for your boss.
This is fucked.
Adults,
knock yourself out.
Thank you.
Ah, there you are.
- Hey.
- I've been looking
all over for you.
How's it going?
Oh, what a day.
Turrets, Fort Mason.
Really?
Twigs, where didn't I go?
Wow.
Well it's a beehive of activity.
All for you darling.
I got the protocol list
for Sir James' Palace,
do you wanna
hear the seating arrangements?
Shout it out.
Well at the top,
the host that's me.
And on my right, the Prince
of Whales private secretary
and the Prince of Whales
private secretaries guest.
Then the secretary
of the Bursor.
Then the host guest,
that's you, right.
That's me, me, me.
Then on your right,
the Prince of Whales
business advisor.
You're surrounded by
the money, darling.
I hope so.
There are strict
regulations on conversational
content throughout the dinner.
No business should be discussed
until at least that time.
And respective this,
ladies should withdraw
immediately after
the dessert course
has been finished.
What?
Yeah.
You have to leave.
Oh,
alright.
You're the only
woman at the table.
Great.
Are you kidding, they
expect you to leave?
There is to be no mention.
Hey Felix, Felix, it's MJ.
How's it going? How's it going?
Listen I was just
on the blogs and
there were people in Ohio
waiting for 10 hours to vote.
Any pets must be kept
under control or out of sight
at all times.
Well, there goes the gold fish.
Lady Morton.
Huh?
Lady Morton,
how does it sound?
Aren't we all sick and bored.
Terrible day.
I always liked a
you know, proper dog.
Like a pitbull.
I think a pitbull is very
charming, loyal, sweet dog.
It's the owners
that's the problem.
Absolutely.
As always.
Gentlemen I've just be
alerted our dinner is ready.
So let's dig our faces.
You're so beautiful.
Thank you.
How are you?
Good.
It's a pity about
the fox hunting huh?
Well,
bon appetit.
Bon appetit.
Alright, gentleman.
Listen up.
We're here tonight
because of a newspaper
owned by my husband.
And I don't want to tell
tales out of school but
I think I should tell
you in this context
that this newspaper is soon
to have a new editor in chief.
And this should go no
further then this room.
And it's me.
So I think I only mention
this that when I say,
this is the editorial
policy of the Rag.
You know you can take
that to the bank.
The book stops here.
So,
under my watch,
we're going to support the
institution of monarchy.
All the way,
support the monarchy.
Winston Churchill said,
it is the central link,
claiming our allegiance
to death.
I might be
paraphrasing a bit but.
Something to that effect.
I mean of course you know
if Edward hadn't married
that actress well.
Darling?
Let's talk business
after dinner.
Yeah.
We all have our
protocol, I know, I know.
But we do love the
monarchy, Richard and I.
We, you know, we
practically eat it for breakfast
but we don't shit on it,
not in this household.
And that's what I'm
saying, you don't just,
you know,
flush 100 years
down the toilet.
Not on my watch.
Not while I'm editor in chief.
Follow the money.
Cause at the end of the day,
it's almost always about
the money gentlemen.
I mean when you
think about the EMU,
all those in favor say I.
Well that's my point isn't it?
It's controversial.
But when we take a
stand at the Rag,
we take a principle stand,
it's not a popularity contest.
The thing is, we don't really
have a red state, blue state.
As far as I'm concerned,
you know,
red states can go
fuck themselves.
They're the ones who are
always complaining about
the federal income tax.
And they pay the least of it.
If you wanna know truth
it's the blue states,
easily nine out of 10
blue states gave the most
income tax and yet they
don't wanna pay it,
but they get it.
That's where the income tax goes
is to the red states and
I believe in my opinion,
would be a good thing.
Not just for labor.
But for both labor
and you know so,
on balance a good thing.
We don't have to worry about
the Christian right here.
You know in my country
those are the people
that wouldn't vote for
the Euro if they could.
I think we've got some
beef wellington next.
Yum yum.
On to the beef.
There's more divorce
in the red states,
who claim to be so moral.
If you look at the blue states,
nine of 10 of those states
have the least amount
of divorce in the nation.
And the very, very
least is Massachusetts.
The highest divorce
rate in America.
I don't know if this is
interesting to you because
of course this isn't America.
Thank you.
May I say.
May I say,
it was a very disappointing
day for me today.
You've all been following
the election at all.
Foreign shores and all that.
But very
disappointing for me.
Sort of lost my appetite
even with the chef
that we have this evening so.
We'll judge him after we've
had the beef wellington.
Beef wellington.
You know, I mean 12 countries
have already joined the EMU.
And soon Poland and Estonia
will join up and then
they'll actually
exert more influence
over the British
economy than Britain.
You know and that's just crazy.
And I know, I know that you
know all this, I'm sorry,
I just, I wasn't.
I wasn't phrasing things
properly but we have got
to get our seat on
the ECP it's just
ludicrous and what
are we worried about?
The loss of power?
The loss of sovereignty?
I mean we could still have our
bloody picture on the notes.
And the thing is, is that
we have absolutely no say
in anything and it's just.
I know I didn't phrase
it right but I just think
for her majesty,
because
it's the most patriotic
thing we can fucking do.
And I think in the
name of her majesty.
Do you wanna talk
about something else?
I've upset you.
Darling I'm so, I wanted
to be so good tonight
and my brain just wasn't.
Sweetheart?
I'll write a letter of
apology, how's that your wife
just has a big,
big stupid mouth.
Sorry.
Yes, yes but Gary.
Gary if you shut
your gobbing yak
then I wouldn't have to
tell you this six times.
Listening? Good.
I want you to talk to Edward
Van Cutson and Tom Partebles.
Anthony?
Your car's outside.
Where's fat boy?
I don't know but he's
left a thing about the.
Van Cutson thing on your desk.
I thought Felix was doing that.
Have you had any success yet?
A million and a half
hits here on Google
but there's nothing more
apart from what the election
unless you're interesting
in a few unpaid
parking tickets from 1978.
I mean we're gonna have
to make this up, Eddy.
We talked to the Morph?
Have you heard from him yet?
Felix.
Sorry I have to call you back.
Have you heard from him yet?
Oh I'm just under
Prince Charles's Palace.
Have you heard from Morph yet?
No, no and I won't.
You'll never hear from
him for 24, 48 hours,
he's gone underground.
How much did we pay?
I gave him 10,000 quid and
I promised him another 80.
You want?
80,000 quid?
I promised him another
80 but I'm not gonna
give him anything like that.
I gave him another lucky
bag full of heroin.
Felix I've gotta get
mixturing, find him.
Yes I was gonna get
in touch with him.
I'll ring him again but
he will come through.
I bet he will come through
Vavia Bulluvia somewhere.
Oh bullocks, Toch.
All your
idea.
There he is.
Hello.
Oh look at you.
Ah you gonna give daddy a kiss?
Good girl.
Don't you look beautiful.
Give daddy a kiss.
Kiss for mommy.
Hello, how are you?
Fine, thank you.
Oh kiss and tell now isn't it?
Very nice to see you.
You ready to get a bath, girls?
Come on let's take a bath.
You say goodnight to mommy.
Come on darling.
Say goodnight,
night night, mommy.
Good night, darling.
Night, night, night, night.
I thought you were going out.
Might be.
What's it to you?
Well I thought I
was here to babysit.
Maybe.
I'm so tired from
watching the elections
all night the other night.
I'd rather stay in.
Because maybe,
I'd have your fare.
I can't do this anymore.
God.
What a bastard.
Bush?
No, Morton.
You ever got any spare
you will pay would you?
Why?
I've got office buyers on me.
For you?
Maybe.
Have you been given the boot?
No, no, I haven't
been given a boot.
Then what have you been up to?
I haven't been up to anything.
Come on.
- What do you mean?
- You can tell me.
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
Every time Morton fired anybody
it's been because it's personal.
Calm down now.
Maybe I think I should
take you home now.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Let me just.
I just can't stop
thinking about him.
Well then you think about
that and I'll thinking about
getting this only.
I don't understand.
What the cheese, eh?
That was Chazar's nevore.
I just liked him so much.
Yeah, it's alright.
I really do like him so much.
Great.
Madame your chariot awaits.
Come on.
Let's get you home.
There you go yeah.
You lean on me.
Where's that fucking liar?
Yeah.
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
Right.
Just be strong and
don't be a crier.
Watch your head.
I'm in the back.
Oh I feel
unspeakable.
Yeah, let's go.
Take me somewhere.
Hey.
The fuck are you doing here?
Yeah.
I've got something to
show you but I don't know,
I've been driving her
around and she's asleep
- but it's okay.
- - Come in.
But she wanted to see you.
And I'm really sorry
I'm late but you know.
Come upstairs.
So what have you
got for me, Morph?
So it's all pictures
of the pictures.
And the pictures were
like family portraits,
it was like a library.
It might have books
and everything.
And there were pictures
everywhere all the way
along the walls,
different pictures.
Stay aware I thought, I'd
take pictures of all of them
but when I got back
In there there was
that one picture stood
out, this picture here.
So I took this picture,
now I'm going to show it to you.
Do you know who that is?
That's Morton's first wife.
What I do is,
a sort of grid system.
I assigned points
to the grid system.
And then I can distract
and distort them
so all the points on the grind.
Terrible photo of MJ.
Isn't that?
They're all terrible,
no need to sort
these photos they're
absolutely fucking awful.
Now what I did was I,
by moving key points
of the face around,
I can manage to go from
this face to this face
and end up with
this face.
- Amazing.
- So what's your point?
He's trading her
in for a new model.
Wifey number one and
wifey number two,
that's what they all do.
That's the point.
Chosen a version that's
30 or 40 years younger,
that's what they all do
isn't it, it's disgusting.
If she would be
30 years older now.
Basically MJ is young enough
to be Morton's daughter.
Morton has married his daughter.
Pardon me.
- No.
- Has Morton married
his daughter?
It's brilliant.
That picture, has Morton
married his daughter?
You want to print it?
Front page.
Mock up, send it
to him anonymously.
Oh that's just crazy.
- It's brilliant.
- It's crazy.
He'll fire you.
Morton marries his daughter.
Five
pictures.
Morphed one to the other.
We suggest that
Morton actually has
married his daughter.
And you're gonna print it?
We're gonna print it.
You can't print it.
Of course I can,
that's the whole point.
Is that you have to threaten.
I'm gonna spike
it, I'll be his hero.
No you won't your story
will have your paw prints
all over it, he'll know
it's a scam on your part.
Don't be stupid.
Stupid like some
of us in this room.
It must be so fucking
brilliant for you,
being the only person that
would have a fucking brain
living the line in bozo.
- So lying.
- Fuck you.
You never think
anything through,
you have to keep your fingers
clean, keep your fingers out.
- So what's your idea?
- You have to come in
and save the day
and it's on else to
deliver the slanding.
- Who?
- Another editor.
Who?
You?
So what, say that you're
gonna go to him and say.
I hate to tell you that
someone's gonna publish it
if we don't, oh I
know it's trash but.
Wait, wait, wait,
you're saying that
you go to him
and say that somebody's
got the story that he has
married his daughter.
And he comes to me and says,
your wife has come with this,
you are the only person
who can control her
cause she's mad fucking heridan.
And I say yes boss,
certainly and I stop.
That's quite good.
I keep my hands
completely clean.
Mhm.
Exactly.
He'll be forever in your debt.
Would you do it?
Fuck off.
Well then what is the fucking
point in bringing it up?
Alright, alright, yep,
okay, I'll do it, I'll do it.
But you are going to owe me.
I guess what's best
for the magazine.
He's doing the select panty.
Where's that Jack story with MJ?
Jack story is with her time.
What's that
story about Kevin Spacey?
Something about patter.
And the definition
of it, wanker.
Morph.
Eddy.
There you go, that's
what you wanted.
Lovely.
Felix.
I feel like I owe
you an apology,
I didn't quite get to do
what you asked me to do.
You didn't quite get to do?
No.
These are fantastic, lovely.
There uh, he'll tell you.
Thanks Morph.
Yeah, see you later then.
You've got to do that.
Oh do drive the car.
Cast your eyes over these.
Now that's.
Annalize,
Rich's first wife.
First wife, yeah.
On the left of course.
MJ.
On the right.
Alright.
It's like I just
look at these little
signatures of photographs
on the bottom.
Well that's the old
retried thing isn't it?
You know, the new model, I mean,
Rod Stuart business you know.
One gets a bit,
mopey around the
bumpers, you remember.
Yeah you marry the same
one and you think you've
tried it twice
haven't you, Felix?
Okay just run these now then.
It's a guy who just married
somebody's who young enough
to be his daughter.
There you go, now brilliant.
Push that a bit harder.
- Push that a bit harder?
- The idea.
Well you take that a
little obviously though.
The furthest way you can,
you put it he's marries
his own daughter.
He marries his daughter.
How's that?
This is our imprints,
with these pictures
and the right headline,
we will infer.
That he's married
his daughter?
You're looking at the guy who
marries the girl
who is his daughter.
It could work.
You're serious aren't you?
Oh yeah.
This is a hang on the
fence if it doesn't work.
We have to make it work.
Eddie it's my duty to
tell you as a senior editor,
this is really strong news.
You put this in front of Morton,
he will go ballistic.
You will be sacked definitely,
you and I are on gone.
Yeah, yeah cause
suicide bombs have a habit
of blowing up in your face.
Think about it,
really think about it.
How do we play this?
We distance ourselves from it.
In which way?
We get somebody else
to present the story.
- Well who?
- Who?
Well the press.
Alright so Peach is in on this?
Yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh.
See if we did it, we'd
just print it and be out.
The press, broad sheets.
Courtesy.
Give a chance to comment.
Sadly they won't
chance and comment.
And what is this
comment likely to be?
Well what would you do if
this story came in on your desk
and you were Richard Morton?
You mean personally, well,
if that story came
out on my desk.
I'd want it spiked.
Yeah.
Yes.
And the best way to
get something spiked
in the press is.
Go to the editor of The Rag.
It is.
These are the three pages
that the Peach has sent through.
Sure.
Well they're all good.
That one, Nature of Nepotis,
it takes it right
away from all those.
That's not going, that's shit.
Yeah it's not good.
And this,
she married her
mother's man, you know.
Still no one knows.
Dolly Parton's own doing.
No I don't like that.
You know I'd do well,
if I was running this
and I'd of been--
- Yeah but we are not
running with this,
this is just a
contingency if I'm sacked.
But let's just go with this,
keeps in the family, that's
good, that's the best isn't it?
Keeps it in the
family is my choice.
Okay.
Alright let's do that one.
So the Sunday
campaign, what is it?
Right, Eddy, now I
know you said you wanted
Camilla the Queen but we got
such a fantastic response
to Bulldoze the Palace,
I think Palace for the
People has got to lead.
If I stand corrected.
Actually what I love
about this is, this is a big
kick in the face to Richard's
night of pretentions.
Absolutely.
Now if he has a
problem with that.
Yeah.
And he comes down heavily on me.
I'll give him Camilla for Queen.
As a pro-royal piece.
But why would you
want to do that?
Cause it's lovely, it's
beautiful, it's bored.
But it's an anti-royal piece.
No, no it's not,
it plays both ways,
you got Camilla for Queen.
It does not go both ways.
Put it with a question mark
and it's senator's brawl.
It's Queen Harisa Antsie royal.
Because it's ludicrous.
She smokes and she hunts and
she does all the wrong things.
It's perfectly judged,
it's perfectly judged.
It's a piss stake.
No it's ruined a very,
very good campaign.
Let me just throw a
word at you as you might
find quite useful.
Irony.
Let me just throw another
wee word that might be useful,
salary so come on let's get a
soda and print the graphics.
Come on.
We'll print the graphics.
Run them both, keep them there.
Keep them ready.
Bloody ruined it.
Mysterious, majestic, you
should be back at the lady's.
Hello, MJ.
Hey Debs.
Hey.
I just sent you over my
mock up for tomorrow's splash.
Oh yeah, I got it, got it.
And I can see
Eddy's not his office.
Nope, down in printing graphics.
Right.
Well I've just come
from printing graphics,
I need you to go over to
Eddy, make sure he sees it
and runs with it for tomorrow.
Okay as soon as he's back
I'll get that done, cheers mate.
Hello?
Lea.
She just fucking hung up on me.
What?
Debs hung up on me.
Hi MJ.
Hi Debs.
Hi.
I wasn't quite done actually.
Oh I'm so sorry.
Wasn't quite finished.
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry.
No worries.
The Camilla for Queen campaign.
Yeah.
I speak with some
authority when I say,
scrap it.
- Alright?
- - Okie dokie.
Send that message
over to Eddy as well
and go over to him right
now and tell him to look
at my front page and run it.
Okie dokie.
I mean obviously I mean he did
say don't interrupt him now
and I can't cause you know,
but the second
literally it's on.
Okay, I understand
what he told you,
I heard you when
he told me that.
Uh huh.
I don't give a shit.
Okie dokie.
Just trot on over.
Okay.
Alright?
Alright then mate, will do.
Alright I'm gonna watch ya.
You're gonna watch me walk over?
Yes.
- Okay, forgot I was 12.
- Alright.
- Dearest.
- Great.
Okay, Lea.
We're gonna watch Debs walk.
Oh.
Yes.
She rises, the lovely Debs.
Such grace.
And take a right.
Good girl.
Wonderful.
So here's the final print by
using Rida's suggestions.
They keed the fasaud
for the nostalgic,
the soap opera over there.
The rest of the building will
be done by Richard Rogers
and we got swimming
pools, libraries,
all that kind of
thing, walking areas.
In the middle we've
got a court yard for
you know, pop concerts,
the usual stuff.
Possibly use part of
it for the Olympics
and of course eventually
have a people's palace
and all of it will be paid
by the royal households
income over the course of
no more than two years.
Okay lovely.
Okay listen,
what I'm gonna say now is
not to leave this room,
alright, now, this how
I'm gonna play this,
Palace for the
People goes straight
to the chairman's approval.
Yep.
If he drags me over
the coms for that,
we send him Camilla for Queen.
K, which we're going to sell
to him as a pro-monarchy piece.
Yeah but it plays
beautifully both ways.
Okay and if I still get sacked,
Keep it in the Family goes
to Peach who will then
send it to the chairman for
his approval as a threat.
And what about this?
MJ's piece?
Oh
fuck.
Fuck.
I completely forgot about that.
Bullocks.
You read it yet?
Yes.
You like it?
Yes I think it's--
- Great.
Eddy's not running it.
What are you talking about?
No.
He's running Camilla for Queen
which is in the worst,
worst possible taste.
Let me talk to him.
Uh huh.
There's nothing I can do, he
won't take my phone calls.
He won't, he's over
in printing graphics,
he's been there
for like two hours,
he won't fucking call me back.
Okay, no this one's okay.
Okay so what we do
is we send MJ's piece
to the chairman
for his approval,
at the last minute we'll swap
it for Palace for the People
which will still go
to the printers, okay?
Keeps it in the Family,
goes to Peach who will then
send it on the chairman
and we've got
Camilla for Queen for
next weekend if we want it.
Very good.
Now have you got all that?
The only way I'm gonna
make any difference at all
with Sunday's edition is
if you get me in there.
You have till five.
Well just go right in.
Well there's absolutely
nothing I can do,
he won't take my phone calls.
So you can just kiss the
night hood goodbye and.
Lady Morton and all that.
So,
you have till five.
I hear you.
Okay good.
Love you.
I love you too.
Bye.
You sack of shit.
Oh come and have a look.
The Rag has made their choice.
Have that ready to forward
to Morton should we need to.
Alright, darling.
Hang on there's
more coming through.
Palace for the
People, what's that?
Oh no it's their
Sunday campaign.
Why are you getting this?
A bunch of twats,
it was a mistake.
Pigs.
And there is more.
Camilla for Queen.
So ridiculous.
What about this?
It's MJ.
The lady's turn, she's
backing Morton 100%.
Print up another,
I need to read it.
Okie dokie.
Royal pardon
requested by the Rag.
Lea what are you
doing with photographs?
I'm hand carrying
the mail at the Gregavoss.
There you go.
So you're gonna be able
to get all of this done?
Yes.
Think they'll
get a jolly good reaction.
Felix, I've always
thought of you as a genius
and if it wasn't for
your personal habitat
I'd even offer you a job.
The Richard Rogers element
is inspired and the,
the peoples pool
is a master stroke.
So Peach what do you
think of Camilla for Queen?
I thought that was
truly a piece of wonder.
Great.
If you could collect
all that sarcasm dripping
from your voice you could
make a lake out of it.
You're so fabulous.
Hey.
It's me.
Hi.
I've got this other
idea of making her
government general of New
Zealand, what do you think?
That's right darling,
ship her out to the
colonies where she belong.
I thought MJ's piece - Peach.
- hand makes--
- Peach?
Yes?
Listen darling, I've been
thinking, it's half passed two,
Friday afternoon
and I'm still here,
I don't think anything's
gonna happen I think we've,
just got so
stoned last night we
just went a bit mad.
Alright.
Yeah.
It's ready to send.
Mhm.
It's ready to go.
Do it now.
Alright.
I'm sending it.
Right.
Now.
Love you.
I love you too.
Nothing's happened,
I'm still here,
I don't think anything
is gonna happen.
Okay, yeah.
Do whatever you need to do,
as long as you do
everything I need you to do.
I think we should just
stand it down.
Look, the truth is I fucked
his wife, she got pissed off.
Perfectly natural.
You'll get me
organized, up and running.
Organize your stuff?
Yeah.
That's the bottom
and we've got to,
hang on, hang on a second.
Hang on a second, Alfred.
Ishgon, I'll call you back.
I'm gonna call you back.
You're getting cold feet.
Just like you always do,
you're becoming the old
wuss you've always been.
No I think we are
completely overreacting here.
Overreact? You haven't
even done anything yet,
I think you should send it.
Send it.
It is a great work.
I think we should
send it anyway.
It deserves to sit.
You need to remain on top.
This is the way you're
gonna be the hero.
This is what we said last night.
I mean he's not
going to fire you.
He fucking
sacked me.
What?
Listen, he's fucking sacked me.
Send it to him now, just
fucking send it now.
He said send it.
I don't fucking believe this.
Debs you take all
the time you need.
Leave now?
Thank you.
If you keep a look out.
I'm gonna hide out
in the coffee doke.
Yeah he's gone.
What?
He's gone.
Just listen to this.
She's a bitch.
This has got a
Fleet Street thing
when the editor gets sacked.
They pound.
Unbelievable.
Jesus Christ.
She is a witch.
Are you sure you
wanna go through with this?
Send it.
Keep it in the Family, yeah?
Come on.
Insert.
Okay.
Going.
Now.
Going, going, going,
going, going, going.
Gone.
Excellent.
- Lea?
- Yeah?
Just put everything of Eddy's
quickly into a
box, mark it Eddy.
Alright.
Hi, sir.
Get me the editor.
The editor, yeah.
One moment.
Hello?
Hi, MJ,
the chief, you have fath,
husband is on the phone.
Put him through please.
Okay.
Hello, darling.
Who is this?
What do, it's me.
MJ, what, no I'm
looking for Eddy.
MJ's on the phone.
Quite over thing.
Do you reckon that was him?
Hello?
Just put the
chief through to MJ.
Well then,
thanks.
Chiefs on the line.
Hello, Tulloch.
Chief's on the line.
He's on the line, okay.
I think she's cool.
MJ get home right now.
What?
I need Eddy.
What do you mean?
Find me fucking Eddy now.
I need him.
No I don't underst--
- I'll see you later.
Yes.
Getting in a little
bit of a twist now.
Lea stop.
She's coming, she's coming.
What's she doing?
Just
stop.
Where's Morph?
He's waiting for
you in reception.
Thank you.
Can I go home?
Yes, go home.
Eddy, she's coming.
Get back in, she's coming out.
You alright doll? I'll shop it.
No not shopping.
Morph?
Morph?
Will you come upstairs with me?
Yeah, yeah.
She's going, she's going.
Thank God, thank God, thank God.
It's Richard.
It's Richard.
That's it, he's calling.
Should I answer it?
No, make him beg.
Yeah?
Fucking brilliant.
Let him stew.
Uh, Debs?
Yeah?
No, leave it for a bit.
Debs come with me.
If
Richard um,
calls.
Don't put him through.
What do I do?
You let him stew.
Yeah.
How long for?
I mean he can't shout at
me like I'm a small child.
This for me?
It is for you.
What is it?
Bit of drown to calm you down.
It'll take away the
little bit of pain.
Oh Jesus.
That is life.
Eddy, thank God.
Hello Richard, how are ya?
I'm gonna call him.
Then I'm gonna say
you choose wife or editor.
He can't treat me like that.
Be quiet now, k?
Putting him on the speaker.
Are you near your screen?
I am yeah.
I'm looking at it as we speak.
I put it on mute, you
can talk, you can talk.
What am I gonna do?
Well.
You know the rules,
you made em' up.
Remind me.
If it's
well,
well it is false you
tell em' to print they'd be
damned they seem hardcore.
And then um.
Holy shit.
Then get our lawyers
to remark and you've got
very very deep pockets.
What's happened?
Well they've got a picture
of me and Richard's first wife.
It's you in the paper?
And they're saying that
like I married my
father.
Such a load of crap.
If it's true?
Well if it's true then you uh,
still tell em' to print or be
damned to be presumed hardcore.
Oh.
Look at that, look.
And then remind their
editor that we know
where the bodies are buried.
It's gonna destroy him,
it's gonna try to
show his strain.
No, they can't get away with it.
It'll never go to print.
Never.
Richard are you still there?
Better start looking
for the bodies.
Richard.
Just get rid of that.
Alright.
How are ya gorgeous?
Eddy,
how you doing?
Eddy, Morph's pictures are
singing off the wire man,
you gotta hold the pictures.
Bring him into the board room.
Seven quick decisions.
Just get rid of that.
I'm gonna run it by
you, tell em' what you're
gonna run or how much.
Eddy I have a dozen
red rails staking
out my family home
in Tuflin Park.
What you know they'll call you.
Eddy the independent
are after you for comment.
Okay we are a fortress,
don't say anything.
No time.
Write me a messages.
Okay well just give
me a minute, okay?
Okay.
Good morning all.
Good morning, Eddy.
Do we still have an editor?
I'm still your editor,
I'm back in business.
Alright now listen here,
I've had a chat with Richard and
I've told him to stay
in his penthouse,
don't open the curtains,
don't pick up the telephone.
That's the least you could do.
Neither lie or deny,
say nothing, okay?
The only statements on
this story are gonna
come out of this room.
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, one at a time,
what is it you
wanna know? Come on.
Did he know that he was
married to his own daughter?
Come on, we all know he knew.
No he didn't know, he didn't.
Have you all seen any of
the papers over the weekend?
He was shagging his own
daughter for 20 years.
This is true of course,
I tell you the truth,
the story is okay, if
you just let me speak.
Did he know that he was
married to his own daughter?
Of course he knew
he was married.
He's always known.
Well when he met her.
First time he shagged her, did
he know she was his daughter?
If I could get
inside your mug you
have fucking good clean.
That's the first thing
I do of coursing you.
Let me just tell
you the story, okay?
Him and his first wife
had an illegitimate child
before they were married.
Child was taken to
America, brought up there.
She came back, they got married,
he inherited a huge vast
global media corporation
which we all know.
Yes, yes, yes.
When she grew up out of
either curiosity or guilt
he wanted to find
her, he found her,
fell in love with her.
He fell in love
with her and they
didn't want that to happen.
He fell in love with somebody
who's completely inappropriate
he can't dictate
what's in your heart.
Our take on this,
our spin on this,
is to take the yolk
of victimhood off MJ
and put it on to Richard Morton.
We do this by saying,
not only has this man
lost a wife whom
he loved very much.
He has also lost a daughter
whom he loved very much indeed.
This is a double tragedy.
And this is what we
are gonna focus on.
With all our attention.
Every other paper is out
there trying to knock Richard
by saying he's a dirty
prem of a father,
we cannot justice that fact.
We build up the
sympathy for Morton.
We talked about
the loss of a wife,
we talk about the
loss of a daughter,
we try of course to
keep the two ideas apart
as much as possible.
But the truth about all this,
we are not gonna print so
it's absolutely irrelevant.
Exactly.
We're gonna lead
with an obit tomorrow.
Richard sent the pictures
down, I'll give them to you.
Are we talking about
a black bandit obit?
He sent some photographs
which I think you got.
Yep.
These are the photographs that
Richard wants put out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very nice one of MJ.
What are these?
These are the
photographs taken by Morph
when her body was discovered.
Oh for fuck sake.
Jesus Christ.
She's went and
had her lips thundered.
I know it's a
lovely short this is.
Really, it's a really
lovely short, yeah.
That's your front page.
That's very powerful you know.
She looks
better dead doesn't she?
You know he managed to get that
sort of sleep death thing.
Okay so now.
We have a paper to run.
Come on, who are we
gonna get this week?