Santa Hunters (2024) Movie Script
1
(crickets chirping)
(wind blowing)
You're not getting away from me now you jingly puffball!
Funny, when you say it all out loud.
He's here. I Can feel him.
Think of it as manifesting our destiny.
Coldest I have ever been in my life.
Now or never.
We need the financing.
(wind intensifies)
I seriously don't know how Santa does it.
A wolf with a knife.
Oh, are we ready?
Oki-doki.
My father left on Christmas Eve
Ah, when I was... three.
And, um,
that was also first night that I saw him.
Santa.
Claus.
He just like
appeared at the foot of my bed
and he said,
'I know you're awake.'
'I've got to go now,
but I hope one day
you'll come and find me.'
'You're a good boy, Kristopher.'
'Good night.'
Yeah, but then, yeah.
(sighs)
Life gets in the way, doesn't it?
But I'm ready to meet him now.
The little girl's all grown up.
Has been for a while now.
And, um,
Liza would have wanted me to go.
(somber music)
That was a good day.
Great day, actually.
Liza didn't care what anyone thought.
She just wanted me to be happy.
I would have given up on my dreams a long time ago
if it wasn't for her.
She was very generous that way.
Mm.
I've got to go for her too now.
Actually, wait a tick.
Ta-da!
(chuckling)
(lighthearted music)
Oh, yeah, it's an investment.
I mean, I plan on getting a job
working in Santa's toy shop.
Here, look!
(groans)
Here's one I've been working on.
Oh, that was in a past life, yeah.
Only planes I want anything to do with now,
fly at the speed of the imagination.
Oh, she may have seen some things over the years,
but I don't share my plans with her, no.
No, I'd rather not.
I'd rather not.
Did you find the place okay?
It's a bit of a maze!
Oh, Dave! This is Dave.
He's on the funding board.
Not now, Eve--
We're really good friends, actually.
One time he, I, oh.
(door slams)
I'll see you later, Dave!
Yeah, does my hair look okay?
Yeah, it's great.
Right, what about my shirt's all good?
Yeah.
Okay, sorry, I'm being a perfectionist!
That's fine.
Go?
Welcome to Christmas headquarters!
Hi, Andy!
Hey Eve!
This is Andy, my PhD student
and partner in crime.
He's literally written the book on candy canes.
Hi.
(chuckles)
I am searching for
archeological evidence
of the existence of the
person we know as Santa Claus.
Growing up, we didn't celebrate Christmas.
I would see friends put trees inside.
I'd see people leave offerings for this stranger.
I thought it was a cult!
I was hooked.
I had to know more.
Santa became the sun, and I was Icarus.
In archeology, the first step is reseach.
There's a lot of dirt out there.
We need a reason to dig it.
So to begin,
we compile a few promising leads.
At the moment we're looking at the
foothills of Finland.
There's old Nordic lore of a hermit
who lives deep within the woods.
They emerge once a year
to share food with the villagers.
The hermit is,
according to legend,
the spirit of the forest in human form.
That spirit, that human,
emerging from the forest,
we believe may be
the first real Santa Claus.
Have you told them your joke?
Oh. No, um, please don't.
It's not that good.
Come on.
Okay.
Um. We have this joke
that this is the longest,
most ultimate game of
Secret Santa in human history.
(laughing)
See, I told you it wasn't that good.
We'll find you, Santa!
We're gonna get ya!
This one I actually got in Vietnam.
That one was a gift from my Mother in law.
I've been hunting since I was a kid.
I've caught everything from rabbits, to deer,
rogue roos, even an emu!
Now, I don't ever back down from a dare.
Never have.
Never will.
And my mate says to me one day,
'I bet that you couldn't catch Santa Claus.'
Well.
I looked him dead in the eye.
And I said,
'If it takes me one year or my whole life,
I'll catch Santa Claus.
And I'll have his fat little head
mounted on my wall!'
(chuckling)
Not really.
He's an elf.
Besides,
he's trespassing.
(upbeat music)
(grunting)
Santa?
(grunting)
Good, good mate. Good.
(groaning)
Her mum says we should spend more time together.
Get her more involved.
No, no it needs to be higher!
Ugh.
That's right, yeah,
good, you got him in the nads.
That's good, he'll be down,
he'll be buckled over.
Keep it like that.
Elbow, elbow, elbow, right?
I know it seems crazy.
And let's be realistic,
everyone's gonna judge him for it
and probably me for letting him. But.
I get it!
Gardening, that's my thing.
I do it almost every day.
Costs a bit, I'm not very good at it.
But, I love to do it.
He doesn't really have a thing, I guess.
Things are his thing.
He used to paddle board,
and he used to make model boats.
He's a champion harmonicist.
And now it's hunting.
Hunting Santa Claus.
(squeaking)
(blowing raspberry on window)
(rock music)
Okay, here we go.
(click)
Huh? It's not workin'.
Ah.
(click, click, click)
(electrical hum intensifies)
(electrical explosion)
'Rock and Roll Santa' plays
Yeah, woo hoo!
'LoFi Santa' plays
Tomorrow is our project's confirmation.
It's a panel.
They decide, if you're allowed to keep researching,
or, if you're a waste of the University's time.
Also.
If we don't get this,
obviously we have no chance of being funded.
Also...
they wont let me continue with my PhD.
Which,
basically means I'm fired.
We have to do this, Andy.
You should have heard Dave in his office.
I'm over them talking to us
like we're not important.
Look, we can't afford to minimise
the importance of this archaeological find.
What it would mean for both
Christian and secular groups.
We played too nice on that cancy cane exhibit!
Now, I won't risk losing a grant again
because of academic hesitance.
We have to be bold!
It's not hesitance, though.
If we take our claims too far,
or say it's world changing, we're lying.
Andy, we need this money.
We aren't archaeologists if we never dig.
Just, it doesn't feel right.
Don't think of it as lying.
Think of it as...
manifesting our destiny.
Okay.
We have to make it so the board can't say no.
If we keep on coming back to them
Okay.
with these weak arguments, then the--
Okay! Okay.
Sorry.
It's okay.
We could always
use our alternative funding strategy?
No. No, I'm not doing that again.
Come on, it'll be fun!
Andy, that is silly.
And it's a complete waste of--
Unbelievable.
(laughing)
Out of the way, old lady!
Oh, you're a dead man!
(laughing)
Oh, sorry!
My arm!
I told you this was a bad idea.
The chocolate was an investment, okay?
Think of how much dirt we could move if we win!
We're not going to-- Wait.
Banana. Banana. Banana!
(scratching)
Oh, grapefruit, dammit!
(laughing)
This was your idea,
come on, win something.
Um, do you not see this one free ticket I won?
Thank you very much.
I don't need your attitude.
'LoFi Santa' plays
It's nice, you know,
to have someone to share this with.
We're worried about the future,
but...
at least we're not worried about it alone.
'Work it' plays
(lion roar)
(eagle cry)
(Ho, ho, ho!)
(grunting)
(groaning)
(panting)
That's uh,
five minutes of continuous exercise.
And what's the Arctic?
Um. Hike to the Arctic is...
about three weeks.
I'll get there.
(door opens)
Hey Dad!
Just here to grab the crock pot.
Amanda.
What's going on?
Uh, love.
Who are these people?
Hey, um.
Why are you wearing that?
I, I just threw it on.
Can we talk?
Alone, please?
Yeah, sure, okay.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
I'm... exercising.
You know what I'm talking about.
It's nothing.
It doesn't look like it's nothing.
Well it is.
Is this the Santa stuff again?
Jesus, I can't believe it.
You know what the doctor said,
you cannot be straining yourself.
They don't know what they're talkin' about
Give it a rest, Dad.
Your heart literally isn't strong enough.
My heart was made for this.
If you go through with this,
what, at best, you'll be broke?
At worst, you'll die alone in the snow.
You're throwing away everything.
Honey, I don't wanna fight again.
I don't either.
Love, you mean the world to me.
But I have to do this.
Your mother understood that.
Do you really think this is what she wanted?
Dad, she never thought you'd actually go.
None of us did.
That's not true.
I have to go.
(door slams)
She got a long better with her mother.
I mean, I love her and I care for her obviously but, um.
She's not a fan of um.
All this.
She'll come round.
She'll come round.
(birds chirping)
'The Hunt' plays
(distant branch snapping)
(wind blowing)
(close branch snapping)
(heartbeat)
Ahhhhhhh!
(whistling)
Well, didn't have any champagne at the corner store.
You don't say.
But they did have apple fizzer!
And didn't have any crystalware either so,
we'll have to make do with these.
'LoFi I Need Santa Tonight' plays
Nothing?
(click)
Nothing.
I've been learning a few Finnish phrases lately.
Let's hear them.
(badly speaking finnish)
That means, 'do you have anything vegetarian?'
You're not vegetarian.
I know, but you are.
Can you ask,
'may I have fries with that?'
(badly speaking finnish)
(badly speaking finnish)
Nothing?
(click)
Nothing.
Kristopher, we're ready for you.
Come on through.
Oh, this side, please.
Amanda, you have asked your father here, um,
because you have expressed your concern
about his health and safety.
Specifically, uh, his health and safety
about crossing the Arctic...
to meet Santa Claus.
Yes, that's correct, but
specifically the Arctic thing.
Great.
Uh, Kristopher, you have previously stated
that you are not concerned
about your health and safety
about crossing the North Pole
to meet Santa Claus.
Mhmm.
Okay.
So, ah, we have
established the basic facts.
Great.
We've also established
that our wants are at odds.
So, this is where the
nitty gritty bit starts--
I haven't changed.
I'm still the same.
I always said I was gonna go,
and now that I am, you...
(sigh)
Amanda, I don't wanna fight with you.
I just wanna talk to you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry,
you're uncomfortable with me now.
I'm sorry you don't like me anymore.
But I'm still the same.
I'm still me.
Could I please have the papers?
I don't think we're quite ready to--
The papers.
Now, please.
(nervous chuckle)
What papers?
Kristopher, these are
papers for a psychological exam.
Amanda has stated that she would like you
to sit this psychological exam
to prove that you are of sound mind.
Amanda has also stated that
you have five business days
to complete this exam,
otherwise it will be
escalated to a court of law.
It's complimentary.
She doesn't believe me.
After everything.
She still doesn't believe me.
I mean...
Right.
Right.
No, I can't give her
one more minute to stop me.
I am uh, that's it, I'm done.
I'm leaving tonight!
Okay.
Friends, it's been an honour and a privilege.
I'll see you when I see you.
'Rock and Roll Santa' plays in car radio
(beep, beep)
(engine revs up)
Oh, the mic!
He's still got his mic on.
(sigh)
Goddamnit!
I was in a mission program when we met.
He was just so... different to all the boys
that I grew up with.
It's not easy leaving the church, you know?
You lose a lot of your friends and...
(car engine approaching)
Basically, your whole
blueprint for life is just torn up.
(car engine approaching)
Really feel like you're...
free-falling.
But he was always just so kind and supportive and...
Nick?
Yeah, sup?
What is that?
Uh...
Is that more Christmas lights?
Yes, yeah.
It's the last batch, I swear.
It's the last lot.
I love you, bye!
'Rock and Roll Santa' plays
(box thuds)
(clank)
(beartrap creaks and groans)
(dog whimpering)
One...
Two...
Just kidding.
(laughing)
Gotcha!
Yeah, I pulled the jaws back,
but the pad won't push down.
No, no, the pad won't push down,
so the jaws don't shut.
Yeah, I tried a bunch of things,
they all just bounce off.
Tilly, your toast is ready!
Look, I need to know that this works.
You only get one chance to
catch these things, you know?
Uh, guys? guys!
Oh, shit!
(scream)
Are you okay? Are you alright?
Did it get ya?
(crying)
No, I didn't get ya, you're okay.
Tilly, Tilly, what happened, honey?
What did you do?
She's okay.
Turn that bloody thing off!
(crying)
She's fine, she was just playing!
Any update on the application?
Nothing yet.
Weird.
It's taking them so long.
It's a busy time of year.
I'm sure they'll get to it.
Okay, I'm heading home now.
You sure you wanna stay longer?
I've told myself I can't leave this desk
until I finish this annotation.
I'll be fine.
Okay.
Well, text me if you need anything.
Don't worry about me, Andy.
Have a good night.
You too, bye.
Bye.
(door closes)
Good night, everyone.
Lock the door when you leave, please.
Come on.
Come on, Eve.
(doorbell chimes)
(cocktail party ambience)
Eve.
Hi, Dave.
What are you doing here?
Well, David, I, um,
you see, it's about--
Honey, who is it?
Um, nothing, love, just a um...
charity case.
Let's make this quick, shall we?
What's so important you had to come to my home?
It's about Finland.
Look, I appreciate your frustration, okay?
But this was a decision made by the entire board.
Okay, not just me.
You're the only one I know the address of.
Lucky me.
David, we need the financing.
I can't go another year
without breaking ground on this project.
It's starting to look idiotic.
Starting?
It's just starting to look idiotic?
You and that Nietzsche looking kid
have been chasing Santa for three years,
but it's only now
starting to look idiotic?
Andy is brilliant at what he does.
If anyone is going to find the evidence,
it's going to be him!
The only thing in his way is you.
Me, and the rest of the board.
Just take this.
What is this?
It's a new proposal.
It's been revised.
Are you kidding me?
I've got to see this.
Findings from...
(flicking through pages)
human relationship to
beings known as gods.
Implications in the field of theology.
Substantiate the existence of messiahs.
Eve, you're so full of shit.
It's true!
We can find saints.
Dave, if we can find Santa,
we are halfway to finding God.
See, this is exactly why
we keep you around, Eve.
Wow!
You're not exactly academic of the month either, David.
Get out of here.
Oh, if I see you around here again,
I'm going to call the police.
Bye now.
(door slams)
(crying)
(wind howling)
So cold. So cold.
(grunting)
Ah!
Come on ya damn thing. Come on.
Come on.
(door creaks)
(door cracks, ice shatters)
Ugh, gosh.
(panting)
Kris one, door nil!
(panting)
Yeah, so, um, just waiting for my guide to arrive
and then, uh,
then we set off for the Pole.
Yeah.
Oh, it, uh, feels like I've, um,
like I've been waiting for this...
moment my...
my whole life.
And now suddenly here I am!
And I brought the girls too.
Here.
Oh.
Hmm.
Liza would of loved it here.
Here we go, girls.
Here we go.
(distant harmonica playing)
(harmonica grows louder)
(sighs)
Jan took Tilly and left.
Tilly's fine.
It was more of a scare than anything.
I had to surrender my hunting gear.
Now I'm not allowed within five kilometers
of a hunting store.
Or a camping store.
Which is weird.
'Cos camping really wasn't a part of it?
(sigh)
When I catch that man,
when I catch Santa Claus,
it'll be with my bare hands.
Because you know what?
Actually,
he's done me a favour.
Because now, there's no distractions.
No weapons to hide behind.
No traps.
No camouflage.
(laughs)
It's kind of fitting.
He takes everything from me,
and now I'm gonna take it all from him.
(laughs)
'Merry mas' plays
I should have been doing this from the beginning.
It's a hell of a lot cheaper!
(laughs)
I'm gonna getcha.
I'm gonna getcha.
I'm gonna get you, you fluffy red-suit-wearing home wrecker!
(laughs)
So. Come and get me.
(laughs)
(car driving on dirt road)
(Eve humming)
'Finland' plays
In the end, the university funding came through.
After all this time,
we're finally breaking ground.
Welcome to Christmas headquarters, 2.0.
Here?
Yeah, a bit forward.
Okay.
Yep.
Yeah, that's great.
Hey, Eve.
Hey, Andy.
What do you like most about archeology?
The smell.
Really?
Yes.
When you unearth an artifact
that's hundreds or
thousands of years old,
you can tell from the smell.
It can be so...
present.
And it's not something that exists outside of that moment.
Every other artifact is filed away,
photographed, measured.
There's paperwork and
research, and it goes on display.
But not that.
Not that first breath.
Some have tried, but
there's no real record of that.
It's just you in the air.
That's so beautiful.
What about you?
Oh, nah. Um...
No, I don't wanna say.
What?
Well, it's gonna sound stupid now.
Well, now I'm dying to know.
It's uh, you know,
Oh I can't believe I have to follow you up with this!
Come on, then.
I love...
Shoot...
I've always wanted to be like one of those...
action-archaeologist movies.
Action archaeologist movies?
Yes! God.
You know the type?
Like uh, they dig stuff up,
shoot guns, kill Nazis!
Any specific one?
Ah, hmm...
I've seen all of them.
All of them?
All of them!
(laughing)
I know, it sounds stupid but uh...
I didn't have any friends growing up, so...
at school for lunch I'd just dig holes and...
Ugh, I'd um...
I'd pretend that I was going on adventures with them.
We'd be setting off ancient traps together and...
I don't know, it um... It sounds stupid.
I guess I'm kind of lame.
You're a cool kid to me, Andy.
I mean, come on, look at you now,
digging in the dirt for real!
(laughing)
Thanks, Eve.
(shack creaks and groans in arctic wind)
Guide's running behind a couple of days.
He said we'd meet here, in the cabin before setting out...
Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to
pay the whole amount in advance.
Hmm.
Nah.
Actually I hope he hasn't gotten into any trouble.
Hmm.
Just a matter of patience now.
(sigh)
(sigh)
(camera glitches)
(camera glitches)
Guide still hasn't shown up yet.
The season's changing already.
The track won't be accessible soon.
'Kristopher's Theme' plays
It's now or never.
(thud)
Ugh!
Right.
Right.
(deep breath)
Here we go, girls.
Right.
Alright.
Okay.
(arctic wind howls)
This is it.
Come on...
Okay...
First step of many...
Come on...
(heavy breathing)
Okay.
Right.
Okay.
(heavy breathing)
I'm coming, Santa!
(laughter)
(panting)
I'm coming Santa!
I'm comin'...
(glitch noises)
(crickets chirping)
Here, Mister Santa Claus...
Where you at big boy?
Maybe you think you can get around the back, huh?
Maybe you can, maybe you can't...
I'm too close.
Can't stop.
Not now.
Not after everything he's done to me,
the jingly prick.
Ugh...
Uh...
It's takin' a while to get the parenting plan in place.
But, ah, once we get it organised,
Tilly'll be able to visit.
So until then heh...
Oh, uh...
Janice is, uh...
Janice is pregnant again!
(chuckles)
We've been trying for so long, you know.
We always wanted Tilly to have a little brother or sister.
It was really difficult.
It's gonna be a big baby!
Second one always is...
I was the second child.
Weighed over 11 pounds when I was born.
Cracked me mum's pelvis.
True story.
They had to strap her up and she had to learn to walk agian!
I just want to be there for that, you know?
In case the baby, uh,
cracks Jan's pelvis.
I've got the straps ready to go and everything!
(Inhales deeply)
(Inhales deeply)
I've been thinking, you know...
What if getting a parenting plan in place takes a while?
And what if Tilly doesn't like me?
And what if I don't like her?
She's gonna be a teenager soon, it could happen.
Oh, God.
They grow up so fast, you know.
Oh, guys.
I don't know what I'm doin'!
Ugh!
Man.
(Inhales deeply)
That glue smell is really strong.
I should really open a window.
(Electrical buzzing)
(Power whirs down)
I knew it.
I knew it. He's set off one of my traps!
You're not getting away from me now you jiggly puffball!
Should we even be following him?
Well, we can't just leave him like this.
Okay.
Just be carefull.
Don't startle him.
Oh, God.
Nick?
(footsteps running)
Nick?
Nick, is that you?
Nick...
this isn't fun anymore.
(door slams)
Nick?
It's a snowy dance of death now.
Gah, Nick!
Nick...
are you all right, buddy?
We're two lions...
circling in each other.
But actually...
I'm a wolf.
A wolf...
with a knife.
(laughs manically)
(tape glitches)
(corporate intro music)
(applause)
On the 22nd of June,
my team and I excavated something
truly extraordinary.
A traditional pagan shrine,
undiscovered for centuries.
Within that shrine, were the mummified remains
of a known spiritual leader.
A man...
whose legacy lives on to this day.
Across time and cultures,
this individual has had many names.
But most of you probably know him...
(woo!)
as Santa Claus!
(huge applause)
Thank you.
Thank you.
(applause)
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
I know! I know!
(applause)
Thank you.
(muffled applause continues)
Thanks.
Eve! You were terrific!
It went well. Did you see the representatives?
Uh, no, sorry. I was watching you.
They're investors looking to branch out into archeology.
Investors?
Yes. Like a university grant but without the red tape.
They have their own publishing and media outreach.
No, no. I know what investors are, but...
Do you think this is vegetarian?
Eve?
It's probably vegetarian.
Eve!
Andy?
What kind of investors?
Just...
people wanting to help us out that's all.
Besides, it's time to move on from the University.
Ugh, wait.
Why? The university funded us.
They're the whole reason we're here.
Yes, and we barely made it.
Gosh, if you knew what I...
Gosh, Andy, aren't you tired of scrounging together pennies?
Or trying our luck on lotto tickets.
I like the tickets.
These people want to fund us.
They want to take us further.
All we have to do is say yes,
and then not only our expenses paid,
but there's also a chance to make some real money.
Make some money?
Yes. Is that such a bad thing?
Who are these people?
They...
are a...
collective.
What? What kind of collective?
A Christian organisation.
What?
A Christian organisation.
(scoffs)
It's a good opportunity, Andy.
No ones asking you to find the Ark of the Covenant.
What do they want?
They want to expand our research
in a new and challenging way.
Be specific.
They want us to look for Santa Claus in Egypt.
You're joking, right?
Andy!
What are we supposed to do?
Just waltz in there?
Oh! Hi centuries of Egyptian history,
we're just here to stir some shit up for
the sake of religious bigotry and a pay check!
Andy, please!
They are interested in secular research.
They're a secular religious group?
Come on, Eve! What does--
Charles Darwin was a Christian.
Oh! You always use that argument!
Ibn Khaldun! Lhamo Thondup!
Yeah, but... they don't always get what they want do they!
I mean, say we take the funding.
We find somehting they don't like. What then?
They're not gonna burn us at the stake Andy.
Maybe not literally, but they could cut the funding,
leave us stranded,
not publish any of the findings.
Or God forbid, bend the findings to suit themselves.
Andy, please!
It's just a matter of financial assistance from some people
that actually want to...
Don't! Just...
Don't.
Eve, what's gotten into you?
Why are you acting like this?
Eve?
They're there, I've gotta go.
Eve!
(wind howling)
Would you look at that.
It's a dream come true.
Check this out.
It's a little tuft of grass.
Pokin' his head through.
Go on little buddy. You can do it.
Quick rest, catch our breath.
Keep goin' again.
(camera glitches)
You know, in uh, Sunday school,
they used to tell us about Moses
leading his people through the desert for 40 years.
I could ugh,
I could go for some warm weather right about now.
Agh!
(grunting)
(camera glitches)
(crickets chirping)
(heavy breathing)
(tape spins up)
(tape spins up)
(tape spins down)
(glass shatters)
Ugh...
Santa...
Santa?
(tape spins up)
(tape spins down)
(knocking)
(knocking)
I'll call him.
(merry ringtone)
Ho, ho, ho, pick up your phone!
(merry ringtone)
Ho, ho, ho, pick up your phone!
Come on.
(thud)
(thud)
(thud)
(smashing)
Jesus Christ!
Nick?
Oh, God.
Nick?
Nick? Help me move him a bit.
Yep, yep, yep.
Nick?
Nick!
Oh shit, alright, I'm calling the um--
Nick?
Nick, look at me.
Nick?
Nick?
Yeah, ambulance?
(camera glitches)
Um...
Okay?
Oh, my God.
Whoa.
What happened?
'Ho Ho Hoax' plays
A criminal investigation is underway
after the body of Santa Claus was
discovered to be a ho-ho-hoax.
The archaeologist responsible for leading
the search for Santa is a fa-la-la-lair.
Frosty, the fraud will be prosecuted by
the crown for falsifying findings.
Eve? What happened?
I... I...
My client has no comment at this time.
On what happened?
Yes.
What are the charges against you?
You know what?
Why don't I screen these questions
and we can see what you can ask.
Uh, okay.
Alright...
No. No.
Nope.
Haha, that's good.
You like that question?
I do!
Can we ask it?
Oh God no.
And...
(pen scratching paper)
no.
Are you serious?
We're done here. Come on, Eve.
We came all this way.
I'm not in the sympathy business.
Eve?
Come on.
Eve?
(howling winds)
Whoopsie.
Nearly...
nearly left you behind.
(wind howling)
Come on...
Gah...
Come on buddy.
Just a bit further.
Just a bit more.
(camera glitches)
Okay.
(wind howling)
To my darling daughter, Amanda.
I want to say I'm sorry.
I left you in such a rush.
To tell you the truth,
I didn't think about it until now.
But my dad walked out on me when I was a kid.
And although you were grown up,
and you knew I was getting ready to come here,
I can't help but see the similarities.
I shouldn't have done that.
I've been wanting to come here for so long.
It's always been my dream.
Your mother knew that.
And she was always so encouraging.
Maybe if she was still around...
If she was still around,
maybe things would be different.
Maybe we could have come here together.
I would have...
I would have really liked that.
Come on, buddy.
(sniffs)
Come on.
You two are the most important people in my life.
I love you both so much.
And I don't regret a moment of it.
Good times or bad.
I remember when you were born.
I would talk to you while you slept.
I would tell you that you were strong,
and that you could do
anything your heart desired.
And seeing the incredible woman that you've become,
I really believe that.
You damn near stopped me from getting here.
But your old man
has a move or two left, just yet.
I love you so much.
And who knows,
maybe once I make it to the workshop,
I can get your special invitation.
My love now, and always,
Dad.
(wind intensifies)
(humming)
(wind howling)
Whats that?
I can hear 'em.
I...
I can hear the bells!
Hear the bells.
Wait Santa, I'm coming.
I'm coming, Santa!
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Yes!
I'm coming! Wait for me!
Wait for me!
Wait for me!
(grunting)
(camera glitches)
Hah, ha! Wait for me, Santa!
(wind intensifies)
(panting)
Ah!
(thud)
(camera glitches)
(wind howling)
(camera glitches)
(birds chirping)
I always thought that
therapy was a rich people thing.
Turns out,
gotta do it for all sorts of reasons.
I've been thinking a lot
about my pattern of behaviour.
And, uh,
I'm quick to pick things up,
but I'm even quicker to put them down.
And I'll be honest with ya.
The hunting got away from me a bit.
Maybe even more than a bit.
I mean, we thought it was
just another hobby, but, uh...
Turns out,
it was something else.
I let it leak into every part of my life.
My, uh,
lowest point,
was when I was found
passed out on the floor.
I'd been making traps at home,
and
'cause of all the glue fumes
and the dehydration,
I collapsed.
But I was given a second chance that day.
And what it made me realise
is that
there are so few chances in life.
I mean,
the chances of catching Santa Claus,
are one in 365.
I mean.
Not bad odds,
but uh,
not great.
But,
The chances of having my daughters?
I mean, what are the odds?
Like...
One in a billion?
A trillion?
Maybe even a zillion!
(sighs)
I'm the luckiest man in the world.
I gotta start acting like it.
(applause)
Yeah, nah, it's been really good.
Really good sort of therapy for me again.
And, uh,
And, uh, yeah, so, I don't know.
We'll see how I go.
I think I'll carry it on.
Maybe join a band or something, sort of. Yeah.
Janice and I got the parenting plan in place.
I get the kids every second weekend.
Well,
second one has to be born first.
But, uh,
yeah.
Every second weekend.
And this Saturday we're goin' to the aquarium!
Yeah, Tilly loves mermaids.
And they've got mermaid tanks for the afternoon showings.
Now, I know Ava will only be little,
But uh, I think babies absorb more than we know, you know?
I mean,
She might grow up to be a spearfisher.
Yeah!
Wouldn't that be cool?
Oh, we're thinking of naming her Ava, by the way.
Um.
There's something I wanted to say to ya.
The other day, uh,
when ya came round
after I'd had all that glue.
I don't really remember what I was thinking
before I went down.
But it was, uh,
it was scary.
You know, I just wanted to say, uh,
I'm glad you came around when you did.
No, no, no, really, uh.
I don't know what would have happened otherwise.
So, uh.
I just wanted to say, uh.
I wanted to say...
thank you.
No, thank you.
Have you seen Andy?
Oh.
It's so hard to get a message out in here.
I don't know what gets through.
No, they do not.
I want it to be clear that I acted alone.
No one helped me with this.
And Andy had absolutely no
inclination of what I was doing.
(sigh)
(cocktail party ambience)
Eve, what are you doing?
I told you to get rid of that key.
Give us the funding, David.
What?
Give us the funding,
or I'll walk in there right now
and tell her everything.
You, you wouldn't.
Try me.
But, The board--
Change the board's mind, David.
Schmooze them over like you do everyone else.
Enjoy dinner with your wife.
(door slams)
After getting that far,
I wasn't going to let this all slip through my fingers.
(chuckles)
'Finland Reversed' plays
After all that work, I did what I had to do
in order for us to get to that dig site.
I did what I had to.
When we got there,
what we actually found,
it was a burial site.
We knew that, but...
It wasn't...
It wasn't Santa.
So one night,
I waited for Andy to fall asleep.
I guess, at the time...
I didn't consider it it to be fraud?
or corpse mishandeling.
I just...
dressed the skeleton up a little.
And reposed it a little.
With some old wood from the burial
to suggest there was a sleigh...
a little...
(dramatic boom)
Funny, when you say it all out loud...
Yeah.
(sniffs)
Sorry.
Okay.
Looking for archaeological evidence of Santa Claus.
We were looking for archaeological evidence--
(sighs)
We are looking for aercheological evidence of Santa Claus.
Finland.
We were...
We are looking for Santa Claus in Finland.
Eve, I think.
(sighs)
Um, I was an only child, so...
Christmas always felt kind of small to me.
You know, all the movies, they
have these big families and beautiful houses and
it's all about coming together.
I never felt alone with Eve.
It was Christmas...
It was Christmas every day.
I smelt the air.
Yeah, um. Got it. Sorry.
Is here okay?
I don't really want to um...
(clears throat)
(breathes deeply)
(sighs)
Well a group of Arctic scientists found Dad's campsite.
That was about,
three days after he was declared missing.
His supplies were scattered everywhere.
Camera was pretty beat up.
They were able to get some footage off of it, but...
a lot of it's corrupted.
No one knows where he is, but...
It's been a while now, so, um...
he's legally been declared dead. So...
(chuckles)
It sounds stupid.
Actually, it sounds like something
my Dad would say, but...
I think he's still out there.
You know, I would feel it if he had died.
I think he's still out there.
No, I know he's still out there.
(clock ticks quietly)
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just um...
(breathes deeply)
This is the last thing I have to pack away.
Time's a funny thing.
I know that sounds like a clich.
Maybe it is.
But. The older I get, the truer it seems.
Being a kid was hard for me,
as I'm sure it was for most of us.
In one way or another.
But I just...
didn't fit in.
Um.
I don't mean because of the Santa stuff.
You know, I knew better than to share that.
But...
people...
found a way to...
You know how kids are.
So I tried to fit in.
Um, I...
tried to be perfect, I guess. Um.
The perfect man,
the perfect husband,
the perfect Dad.
And it's not up to me if I was those things.
But I tried.
By the time I told Liza about Santa,
we'd been married...
17 years.
And when I finally fessed up
she fully supported me.
No question.
And I realised, I'd...
missed out on...
17 years of being myself.
All because I was scared
that she might not like me.
But she did.
She loved me.
I was scared to find Santa
because if I did,
and it didn't go perfectly,
I don't think I would have been able to handle that.
But, as you get older, you...
you learn to be happy.
Or you learn to
allow yourself happiness.
I'm not saying that
I, I don't want things to be nice.
We all like nice things, who doesn't?
I'm just saying...
that...
my idea of perfection...
has gotten...
messier.
'I Need Santa Tonight' plays
(crickets chirping)
(wind blowing)
You're not getting away from me now you jingly puffball!
Funny, when you say it all out loud.
He's here. I Can feel him.
Think of it as manifesting our destiny.
Coldest I have ever been in my life.
Now or never.
We need the financing.
(wind intensifies)
I seriously don't know how Santa does it.
A wolf with a knife.
Oh, are we ready?
Oki-doki.
My father left on Christmas Eve
Ah, when I was... three.
And, um,
that was also first night that I saw him.
Santa.
Claus.
He just like
appeared at the foot of my bed
and he said,
'I know you're awake.'
'I've got to go now,
but I hope one day
you'll come and find me.'
'You're a good boy, Kristopher.'
'Good night.'
Yeah, but then, yeah.
(sighs)
Life gets in the way, doesn't it?
But I'm ready to meet him now.
The little girl's all grown up.
Has been for a while now.
And, um,
Liza would have wanted me to go.
(somber music)
That was a good day.
Great day, actually.
Liza didn't care what anyone thought.
She just wanted me to be happy.
I would have given up on my dreams a long time ago
if it wasn't for her.
She was very generous that way.
Mm.
I've got to go for her too now.
Actually, wait a tick.
Ta-da!
(chuckling)
(lighthearted music)
Oh, yeah, it's an investment.
I mean, I plan on getting a job
working in Santa's toy shop.
Here, look!
(groans)
Here's one I've been working on.
Oh, that was in a past life, yeah.
Only planes I want anything to do with now,
fly at the speed of the imagination.
Oh, she may have seen some things over the years,
but I don't share my plans with her, no.
No, I'd rather not.
I'd rather not.
Did you find the place okay?
It's a bit of a maze!
Oh, Dave! This is Dave.
He's on the funding board.
Not now, Eve--
We're really good friends, actually.
One time he, I, oh.
(door slams)
I'll see you later, Dave!
Yeah, does my hair look okay?
Yeah, it's great.
Right, what about my shirt's all good?
Yeah.
Okay, sorry, I'm being a perfectionist!
That's fine.
Go?
Welcome to Christmas headquarters!
Hi, Andy!
Hey Eve!
This is Andy, my PhD student
and partner in crime.
He's literally written the book on candy canes.
Hi.
(chuckles)
I am searching for
archeological evidence
of the existence of the
person we know as Santa Claus.
Growing up, we didn't celebrate Christmas.
I would see friends put trees inside.
I'd see people leave offerings for this stranger.
I thought it was a cult!
I was hooked.
I had to know more.
Santa became the sun, and I was Icarus.
In archeology, the first step is reseach.
There's a lot of dirt out there.
We need a reason to dig it.
So to begin,
we compile a few promising leads.
At the moment we're looking at the
foothills of Finland.
There's old Nordic lore of a hermit
who lives deep within the woods.
They emerge once a year
to share food with the villagers.
The hermit is,
according to legend,
the spirit of the forest in human form.
That spirit, that human,
emerging from the forest,
we believe may be
the first real Santa Claus.
Have you told them your joke?
Oh. No, um, please don't.
It's not that good.
Come on.
Okay.
Um. We have this joke
that this is the longest,
most ultimate game of
Secret Santa in human history.
(laughing)
See, I told you it wasn't that good.
We'll find you, Santa!
We're gonna get ya!
This one I actually got in Vietnam.
That one was a gift from my Mother in law.
I've been hunting since I was a kid.
I've caught everything from rabbits, to deer,
rogue roos, even an emu!
Now, I don't ever back down from a dare.
Never have.
Never will.
And my mate says to me one day,
'I bet that you couldn't catch Santa Claus.'
Well.
I looked him dead in the eye.
And I said,
'If it takes me one year or my whole life,
I'll catch Santa Claus.
And I'll have his fat little head
mounted on my wall!'
(chuckling)
Not really.
He's an elf.
Besides,
he's trespassing.
(upbeat music)
(grunting)
Santa?
(grunting)
Good, good mate. Good.
(groaning)
Her mum says we should spend more time together.
Get her more involved.
No, no it needs to be higher!
Ugh.
That's right, yeah,
good, you got him in the nads.
That's good, he'll be down,
he'll be buckled over.
Keep it like that.
Elbow, elbow, elbow, right?
I know it seems crazy.
And let's be realistic,
everyone's gonna judge him for it
and probably me for letting him. But.
I get it!
Gardening, that's my thing.
I do it almost every day.
Costs a bit, I'm not very good at it.
But, I love to do it.
He doesn't really have a thing, I guess.
Things are his thing.
He used to paddle board,
and he used to make model boats.
He's a champion harmonicist.
And now it's hunting.
Hunting Santa Claus.
(squeaking)
(blowing raspberry on window)
(rock music)
Okay, here we go.
(click)
Huh? It's not workin'.
Ah.
(click, click, click)
(electrical hum intensifies)
(electrical explosion)
'Rock and Roll Santa' plays
Yeah, woo hoo!
'LoFi Santa' plays
Tomorrow is our project's confirmation.
It's a panel.
They decide, if you're allowed to keep researching,
or, if you're a waste of the University's time.
Also.
If we don't get this,
obviously we have no chance of being funded.
Also...
they wont let me continue with my PhD.
Which,
basically means I'm fired.
We have to do this, Andy.
You should have heard Dave in his office.
I'm over them talking to us
like we're not important.
Look, we can't afford to minimise
the importance of this archaeological find.
What it would mean for both
Christian and secular groups.
We played too nice on that cancy cane exhibit!
Now, I won't risk losing a grant again
because of academic hesitance.
We have to be bold!
It's not hesitance, though.
If we take our claims too far,
or say it's world changing, we're lying.
Andy, we need this money.
We aren't archaeologists if we never dig.
Just, it doesn't feel right.
Don't think of it as lying.
Think of it as...
manifesting our destiny.
Okay.
We have to make it so the board can't say no.
If we keep on coming back to them
Okay.
with these weak arguments, then the--
Okay! Okay.
Sorry.
It's okay.
We could always
use our alternative funding strategy?
No. No, I'm not doing that again.
Come on, it'll be fun!
Andy, that is silly.
And it's a complete waste of--
Unbelievable.
(laughing)
Out of the way, old lady!
Oh, you're a dead man!
(laughing)
Oh, sorry!
My arm!
I told you this was a bad idea.
The chocolate was an investment, okay?
Think of how much dirt we could move if we win!
We're not going to-- Wait.
Banana. Banana. Banana!
(scratching)
Oh, grapefruit, dammit!
(laughing)
This was your idea,
come on, win something.
Um, do you not see this one free ticket I won?
Thank you very much.
I don't need your attitude.
'LoFi Santa' plays
It's nice, you know,
to have someone to share this with.
We're worried about the future,
but...
at least we're not worried about it alone.
'Work it' plays
(lion roar)
(eagle cry)
(Ho, ho, ho!)
(grunting)
(groaning)
(panting)
That's uh,
five minutes of continuous exercise.
And what's the Arctic?
Um. Hike to the Arctic is...
about three weeks.
I'll get there.
(door opens)
Hey Dad!
Just here to grab the crock pot.
Amanda.
What's going on?
Uh, love.
Who are these people?
Hey, um.
Why are you wearing that?
I, I just threw it on.
Can we talk?
Alone, please?
Yeah, sure, okay.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
I'm... exercising.
You know what I'm talking about.
It's nothing.
It doesn't look like it's nothing.
Well it is.
Is this the Santa stuff again?
Jesus, I can't believe it.
You know what the doctor said,
you cannot be straining yourself.
They don't know what they're talkin' about
Give it a rest, Dad.
Your heart literally isn't strong enough.
My heart was made for this.
If you go through with this,
what, at best, you'll be broke?
At worst, you'll die alone in the snow.
You're throwing away everything.
Honey, I don't wanna fight again.
I don't either.
Love, you mean the world to me.
But I have to do this.
Your mother understood that.
Do you really think this is what she wanted?
Dad, she never thought you'd actually go.
None of us did.
That's not true.
I have to go.
(door slams)
She got a long better with her mother.
I mean, I love her and I care for her obviously but, um.
She's not a fan of um.
All this.
She'll come round.
She'll come round.
(birds chirping)
'The Hunt' plays
(distant branch snapping)
(wind blowing)
(close branch snapping)
(heartbeat)
Ahhhhhhh!
(whistling)
Well, didn't have any champagne at the corner store.
You don't say.
But they did have apple fizzer!
And didn't have any crystalware either so,
we'll have to make do with these.
'LoFi I Need Santa Tonight' plays
Nothing?
(click)
Nothing.
I've been learning a few Finnish phrases lately.
Let's hear them.
(badly speaking finnish)
That means, 'do you have anything vegetarian?'
You're not vegetarian.
I know, but you are.
Can you ask,
'may I have fries with that?'
(badly speaking finnish)
(badly speaking finnish)
Nothing?
(click)
Nothing.
Kristopher, we're ready for you.
Come on through.
Oh, this side, please.
Amanda, you have asked your father here, um,
because you have expressed your concern
about his health and safety.
Specifically, uh, his health and safety
about crossing the Arctic...
to meet Santa Claus.
Yes, that's correct, but
specifically the Arctic thing.
Great.
Uh, Kristopher, you have previously stated
that you are not concerned
about your health and safety
about crossing the North Pole
to meet Santa Claus.
Mhmm.
Okay.
So, ah, we have
established the basic facts.
Great.
We've also established
that our wants are at odds.
So, this is where the
nitty gritty bit starts--
I haven't changed.
I'm still the same.
I always said I was gonna go,
and now that I am, you...
(sigh)
Amanda, I don't wanna fight with you.
I just wanna talk to you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry,
you're uncomfortable with me now.
I'm sorry you don't like me anymore.
But I'm still the same.
I'm still me.
Could I please have the papers?
I don't think we're quite ready to--
The papers.
Now, please.
(nervous chuckle)
What papers?
Kristopher, these are
papers for a psychological exam.
Amanda has stated that she would like you
to sit this psychological exam
to prove that you are of sound mind.
Amanda has also stated that
you have five business days
to complete this exam,
otherwise it will be
escalated to a court of law.
It's complimentary.
She doesn't believe me.
After everything.
She still doesn't believe me.
I mean...
Right.
Right.
No, I can't give her
one more minute to stop me.
I am uh, that's it, I'm done.
I'm leaving tonight!
Okay.
Friends, it's been an honour and a privilege.
I'll see you when I see you.
'Rock and Roll Santa' plays in car radio
(beep, beep)
(engine revs up)
Oh, the mic!
He's still got his mic on.
(sigh)
Goddamnit!
I was in a mission program when we met.
He was just so... different to all the boys
that I grew up with.
It's not easy leaving the church, you know?
You lose a lot of your friends and...
(car engine approaching)
Basically, your whole
blueprint for life is just torn up.
(car engine approaching)
Really feel like you're...
free-falling.
But he was always just so kind and supportive and...
Nick?
Yeah, sup?
What is that?
Uh...
Is that more Christmas lights?
Yes, yeah.
It's the last batch, I swear.
It's the last lot.
I love you, bye!
'Rock and Roll Santa' plays
(box thuds)
(clank)
(beartrap creaks and groans)
(dog whimpering)
One...
Two...
Just kidding.
(laughing)
Gotcha!
Yeah, I pulled the jaws back,
but the pad won't push down.
No, no, the pad won't push down,
so the jaws don't shut.
Yeah, I tried a bunch of things,
they all just bounce off.
Tilly, your toast is ready!
Look, I need to know that this works.
You only get one chance to
catch these things, you know?
Uh, guys? guys!
Oh, shit!
(scream)
Are you okay? Are you alright?
Did it get ya?
(crying)
No, I didn't get ya, you're okay.
Tilly, Tilly, what happened, honey?
What did you do?
She's okay.
Turn that bloody thing off!
(crying)
She's fine, she was just playing!
Any update on the application?
Nothing yet.
Weird.
It's taking them so long.
It's a busy time of year.
I'm sure they'll get to it.
Okay, I'm heading home now.
You sure you wanna stay longer?
I've told myself I can't leave this desk
until I finish this annotation.
I'll be fine.
Okay.
Well, text me if you need anything.
Don't worry about me, Andy.
Have a good night.
You too, bye.
Bye.
(door closes)
Good night, everyone.
Lock the door when you leave, please.
Come on.
Come on, Eve.
(doorbell chimes)
(cocktail party ambience)
Eve.
Hi, Dave.
What are you doing here?
Well, David, I, um,
you see, it's about--
Honey, who is it?
Um, nothing, love, just a um...
charity case.
Let's make this quick, shall we?
What's so important you had to come to my home?
It's about Finland.
Look, I appreciate your frustration, okay?
But this was a decision made by the entire board.
Okay, not just me.
You're the only one I know the address of.
Lucky me.
David, we need the financing.
I can't go another year
without breaking ground on this project.
It's starting to look idiotic.
Starting?
It's just starting to look idiotic?
You and that Nietzsche looking kid
have been chasing Santa for three years,
but it's only now
starting to look idiotic?
Andy is brilliant at what he does.
If anyone is going to find the evidence,
it's going to be him!
The only thing in his way is you.
Me, and the rest of the board.
Just take this.
What is this?
It's a new proposal.
It's been revised.
Are you kidding me?
I've got to see this.
Findings from...
(flicking through pages)
human relationship to
beings known as gods.
Implications in the field of theology.
Substantiate the existence of messiahs.
Eve, you're so full of shit.
It's true!
We can find saints.
Dave, if we can find Santa,
we are halfway to finding God.
See, this is exactly why
we keep you around, Eve.
Wow!
You're not exactly academic of the month either, David.
Get out of here.
Oh, if I see you around here again,
I'm going to call the police.
Bye now.
(door slams)
(crying)
(wind howling)
So cold. So cold.
(grunting)
Ah!
Come on ya damn thing. Come on.
Come on.
(door creaks)
(door cracks, ice shatters)
Ugh, gosh.
(panting)
Kris one, door nil!
(panting)
Yeah, so, um, just waiting for my guide to arrive
and then, uh,
then we set off for the Pole.
Yeah.
Oh, it, uh, feels like I've, um,
like I've been waiting for this...
moment my...
my whole life.
And now suddenly here I am!
And I brought the girls too.
Here.
Oh.
Hmm.
Liza would of loved it here.
Here we go, girls.
Here we go.
(distant harmonica playing)
(harmonica grows louder)
(sighs)
Jan took Tilly and left.
Tilly's fine.
It was more of a scare than anything.
I had to surrender my hunting gear.
Now I'm not allowed within five kilometers
of a hunting store.
Or a camping store.
Which is weird.
'Cos camping really wasn't a part of it?
(sigh)
When I catch that man,
when I catch Santa Claus,
it'll be with my bare hands.
Because you know what?
Actually,
he's done me a favour.
Because now, there's no distractions.
No weapons to hide behind.
No traps.
No camouflage.
(laughs)
It's kind of fitting.
He takes everything from me,
and now I'm gonna take it all from him.
(laughs)
'Merry mas' plays
I should have been doing this from the beginning.
It's a hell of a lot cheaper!
(laughs)
I'm gonna getcha.
I'm gonna getcha.
I'm gonna get you, you fluffy red-suit-wearing home wrecker!
(laughs)
So. Come and get me.
(laughs)
(car driving on dirt road)
(Eve humming)
'Finland' plays
In the end, the university funding came through.
After all this time,
we're finally breaking ground.
Welcome to Christmas headquarters, 2.0.
Here?
Yeah, a bit forward.
Okay.
Yep.
Yeah, that's great.
Hey, Eve.
Hey, Andy.
What do you like most about archeology?
The smell.
Really?
Yes.
When you unearth an artifact
that's hundreds or
thousands of years old,
you can tell from the smell.
It can be so...
present.
And it's not something that exists outside of that moment.
Every other artifact is filed away,
photographed, measured.
There's paperwork and
research, and it goes on display.
But not that.
Not that first breath.
Some have tried, but
there's no real record of that.
It's just you in the air.
That's so beautiful.
What about you?
Oh, nah. Um...
No, I don't wanna say.
What?
Well, it's gonna sound stupid now.
Well, now I'm dying to know.
It's uh, you know,
Oh I can't believe I have to follow you up with this!
Come on, then.
I love...
Shoot...
I've always wanted to be like one of those...
action-archaeologist movies.
Action archaeologist movies?
Yes! God.
You know the type?
Like uh, they dig stuff up,
shoot guns, kill Nazis!
Any specific one?
Ah, hmm...
I've seen all of them.
All of them?
All of them!
(laughing)
I know, it sounds stupid but uh...
I didn't have any friends growing up, so...
at school for lunch I'd just dig holes and...
Ugh, I'd um...
I'd pretend that I was going on adventures with them.
We'd be setting off ancient traps together and...
I don't know, it um... It sounds stupid.
I guess I'm kind of lame.
You're a cool kid to me, Andy.
I mean, come on, look at you now,
digging in the dirt for real!
(laughing)
Thanks, Eve.
(shack creaks and groans in arctic wind)
Guide's running behind a couple of days.
He said we'd meet here, in the cabin before setting out...
Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to
pay the whole amount in advance.
Hmm.
Nah.
Actually I hope he hasn't gotten into any trouble.
Hmm.
Just a matter of patience now.
(sigh)
(sigh)
(camera glitches)
(camera glitches)
Guide still hasn't shown up yet.
The season's changing already.
The track won't be accessible soon.
'Kristopher's Theme' plays
It's now or never.
(thud)
Ugh!
Right.
Right.
(deep breath)
Here we go, girls.
Right.
Alright.
Okay.
(arctic wind howls)
This is it.
Come on...
Okay...
First step of many...
Come on...
(heavy breathing)
Okay.
Right.
Okay.
(heavy breathing)
I'm coming, Santa!
(laughter)
(panting)
I'm coming Santa!
I'm comin'...
(glitch noises)
(crickets chirping)
Here, Mister Santa Claus...
Where you at big boy?
Maybe you think you can get around the back, huh?
Maybe you can, maybe you can't...
I'm too close.
Can't stop.
Not now.
Not after everything he's done to me,
the jingly prick.
Ugh...
Uh...
It's takin' a while to get the parenting plan in place.
But, ah, once we get it organised,
Tilly'll be able to visit.
So until then heh...
Oh, uh...
Janice is, uh...
Janice is pregnant again!
(chuckles)
We've been trying for so long, you know.
We always wanted Tilly to have a little brother or sister.
It was really difficult.
It's gonna be a big baby!
Second one always is...
I was the second child.
Weighed over 11 pounds when I was born.
Cracked me mum's pelvis.
True story.
They had to strap her up and she had to learn to walk agian!
I just want to be there for that, you know?
In case the baby, uh,
cracks Jan's pelvis.
I've got the straps ready to go and everything!
(Inhales deeply)
(Inhales deeply)
I've been thinking, you know...
What if getting a parenting plan in place takes a while?
And what if Tilly doesn't like me?
And what if I don't like her?
She's gonna be a teenager soon, it could happen.
Oh, God.
They grow up so fast, you know.
Oh, guys.
I don't know what I'm doin'!
Ugh!
Man.
(Inhales deeply)
That glue smell is really strong.
I should really open a window.
(Electrical buzzing)
(Power whirs down)
I knew it.
I knew it. He's set off one of my traps!
You're not getting away from me now you jiggly puffball!
Should we even be following him?
Well, we can't just leave him like this.
Okay.
Just be carefull.
Don't startle him.
Oh, God.
Nick?
(footsteps running)
Nick?
Nick, is that you?
Nick...
this isn't fun anymore.
(door slams)
Nick?
It's a snowy dance of death now.
Gah, Nick!
Nick...
are you all right, buddy?
We're two lions...
circling in each other.
But actually...
I'm a wolf.
A wolf...
with a knife.
(laughs manically)
(tape glitches)
(corporate intro music)
(applause)
On the 22nd of June,
my team and I excavated something
truly extraordinary.
A traditional pagan shrine,
undiscovered for centuries.
Within that shrine, were the mummified remains
of a known spiritual leader.
A man...
whose legacy lives on to this day.
Across time and cultures,
this individual has had many names.
But most of you probably know him...
(woo!)
as Santa Claus!
(huge applause)
Thank you.
Thank you.
(applause)
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
I know! I know!
(applause)
Thank you.
(muffled applause continues)
Thanks.
Eve! You were terrific!
It went well. Did you see the representatives?
Uh, no, sorry. I was watching you.
They're investors looking to branch out into archeology.
Investors?
Yes. Like a university grant but without the red tape.
They have their own publishing and media outreach.
No, no. I know what investors are, but...
Do you think this is vegetarian?
Eve?
It's probably vegetarian.
Eve!
Andy?
What kind of investors?
Just...
people wanting to help us out that's all.
Besides, it's time to move on from the University.
Ugh, wait.
Why? The university funded us.
They're the whole reason we're here.
Yes, and we barely made it.
Gosh, if you knew what I...
Gosh, Andy, aren't you tired of scrounging together pennies?
Or trying our luck on lotto tickets.
I like the tickets.
These people want to fund us.
They want to take us further.
All we have to do is say yes,
and then not only our expenses paid,
but there's also a chance to make some real money.
Make some money?
Yes. Is that such a bad thing?
Who are these people?
They...
are a...
collective.
What? What kind of collective?
A Christian organisation.
What?
A Christian organisation.
(scoffs)
It's a good opportunity, Andy.
No ones asking you to find the Ark of the Covenant.
What do they want?
They want to expand our research
in a new and challenging way.
Be specific.
They want us to look for Santa Claus in Egypt.
You're joking, right?
Andy!
What are we supposed to do?
Just waltz in there?
Oh! Hi centuries of Egyptian history,
we're just here to stir some shit up for
the sake of religious bigotry and a pay check!
Andy, please!
They are interested in secular research.
They're a secular religious group?
Come on, Eve! What does--
Charles Darwin was a Christian.
Oh! You always use that argument!
Ibn Khaldun! Lhamo Thondup!
Yeah, but... they don't always get what they want do they!
I mean, say we take the funding.
We find somehting they don't like. What then?
They're not gonna burn us at the stake Andy.
Maybe not literally, but they could cut the funding,
leave us stranded,
not publish any of the findings.
Or God forbid, bend the findings to suit themselves.
Andy, please!
It's just a matter of financial assistance from some people
that actually want to...
Don't! Just...
Don't.
Eve, what's gotten into you?
Why are you acting like this?
Eve?
They're there, I've gotta go.
Eve!
(wind howling)
Would you look at that.
It's a dream come true.
Check this out.
It's a little tuft of grass.
Pokin' his head through.
Go on little buddy. You can do it.
Quick rest, catch our breath.
Keep goin' again.
(camera glitches)
You know, in uh, Sunday school,
they used to tell us about Moses
leading his people through the desert for 40 years.
I could ugh,
I could go for some warm weather right about now.
Agh!
(grunting)
(camera glitches)
(crickets chirping)
(heavy breathing)
(tape spins up)
(tape spins up)
(tape spins down)
(glass shatters)
Ugh...
Santa...
Santa?
(tape spins up)
(tape spins down)
(knocking)
(knocking)
I'll call him.
(merry ringtone)
Ho, ho, ho, pick up your phone!
(merry ringtone)
Ho, ho, ho, pick up your phone!
Come on.
(thud)
(thud)
(thud)
(smashing)
Jesus Christ!
Nick?
Oh, God.
Nick?
Nick? Help me move him a bit.
Yep, yep, yep.
Nick?
Nick!
Oh shit, alright, I'm calling the um--
Nick?
Nick, look at me.
Nick?
Nick?
Yeah, ambulance?
(camera glitches)
Um...
Okay?
Oh, my God.
Whoa.
What happened?
'Ho Ho Hoax' plays
A criminal investigation is underway
after the body of Santa Claus was
discovered to be a ho-ho-hoax.
The archaeologist responsible for leading
the search for Santa is a fa-la-la-lair.
Frosty, the fraud will be prosecuted by
the crown for falsifying findings.
Eve? What happened?
I... I...
My client has no comment at this time.
On what happened?
Yes.
What are the charges against you?
You know what?
Why don't I screen these questions
and we can see what you can ask.
Uh, okay.
Alright...
No. No.
Nope.
Haha, that's good.
You like that question?
I do!
Can we ask it?
Oh God no.
And...
(pen scratching paper)
no.
Are you serious?
We're done here. Come on, Eve.
We came all this way.
I'm not in the sympathy business.
Eve?
Come on.
Eve?
(howling winds)
Whoopsie.
Nearly...
nearly left you behind.
(wind howling)
Come on...
Gah...
Come on buddy.
Just a bit further.
Just a bit more.
(camera glitches)
Okay.
(wind howling)
To my darling daughter, Amanda.
I want to say I'm sorry.
I left you in such a rush.
To tell you the truth,
I didn't think about it until now.
But my dad walked out on me when I was a kid.
And although you were grown up,
and you knew I was getting ready to come here,
I can't help but see the similarities.
I shouldn't have done that.
I've been wanting to come here for so long.
It's always been my dream.
Your mother knew that.
And she was always so encouraging.
Maybe if she was still around...
If she was still around,
maybe things would be different.
Maybe we could have come here together.
I would have...
I would have really liked that.
Come on, buddy.
(sniffs)
Come on.
You two are the most important people in my life.
I love you both so much.
And I don't regret a moment of it.
Good times or bad.
I remember when you were born.
I would talk to you while you slept.
I would tell you that you were strong,
and that you could do
anything your heart desired.
And seeing the incredible woman that you've become,
I really believe that.
You damn near stopped me from getting here.
But your old man
has a move or two left, just yet.
I love you so much.
And who knows,
maybe once I make it to the workshop,
I can get your special invitation.
My love now, and always,
Dad.
(wind intensifies)
(humming)
(wind howling)
Whats that?
I can hear 'em.
I...
I can hear the bells!
Hear the bells.
Wait Santa, I'm coming.
I'm coming, Santa!
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Yes!
I'm coming! Wait for me!
Wait for me!
Wait for me!
(grunting)
(camera glitches)
Hah, ha! Wait for me, Santa!
(wind intensifies)
(panting)
Ah!
(thud)
(camera glitches)
(wind howling)
(camera glitches)
(birds chirping)
I always thought that
therapy was a rich people thing.
Turns out,
gotta do it for all sorts of reasons.
I've been thinking a lot
about my pattern of behaviour.
And, uh,
I'm quick to pick things up,
but I'm even quicker to put them down.
And I'll be honest with ya.
The hunting got away from me a bit.
Maybe even more than a bit.
I mean, we thought it was
just another hobby, but, uh...
Turns out,
it was something else.
I let it leak into every part of my life.
My, uh,
lowest point,
was when I was found
passed out on the floor.
I'd been making traps at home,
and
'cause of all the glue fumes
and the dehydration,
I collapsed.
But I was given a second chance that day.
And what it made me realise
is that
there are so few chances in life.
I mean,
the chances of catching Santa Claus,
are one in 365.
I mean.
Not bad odds,
but uh,
not great.
But,
The chances of having my daughters?
I mean, what are the odds?
Like...
One in a billion?
A trillion?
Maybe even a zillion!
(sighs)
I'm the luckiest man in the world.
I gotta start acting like it.
(applause)
Yeah, nah, it's been really good.
Really good sort of therapy for me again.
And, uh,
And, uh, yeah, so, I don't know.
We'll see how I go.
I think I'll carry it on.
Maybe join a band or something, sort of. Yeah.
Janice and I got the parenting plan in place.
I get the kids every second weekend.
Well,
second one has to be born first.
But, uh,
yeah.
Every second weekend.
And this Saturday we're goin' to the aquarium!
Yeah, Tilly loves mermaids.
And they've got mermaid tanks for the afternoon showings.
Now, I know Ava will only be little,
But uh, I think babies absorb more than we know, you know?
I mean,
She might grow up to be a spearfisher.
Yeah!
Wouldn't that be cool?
Oh, we're thinking of naming her Ava, by the way.
Um.
There's something I wanted to say to ya.
The other day, uh,
when ya came round
after I'd had all that glue.
I don't really remember what I was thinking
before I went down.
But it was, uh,
it was scary.
You know, I just wanted to say, uh,
I'm glad you came around when you did.
No, no, no, really, uh.
I don't know what would have happened otherwise.
So, uh.
I just wanted to say, uh.
I wanted to say...
thank you.
No, thank you.
Have you seen Andy?
Oh.
It's so hard to get a message out in here.
I don't know what gets through.
No, they do not.
I want it to be clear that I acted alone.
No one helped me with this.
And Andy had absolutely no
inclination of what I was doing.
(sigh)
(cocktail party ambience)
Eve, what are you doing?
I told you to get rid of that key.
Give us the funding, David.
What?
Give us the funding,
or I'll walk in there right now
and tell her everything.
You, you wouldn't.
Try me.
But, The board--
Change the board's mind, David.
Schmooze them over like you do everyone else.
Enjoy dinner with your wife.
(door slams)
After getting that far,
I wasn't going to let this all slip through my fingers.
(chuckles)
'Finland Reversed' plays
After all that work, I did what I had to do
in order for us to get to that dig site.
I did what I had to.
When we got there,
what we actually found,
it was a burial site.
We knew that, but...
It wasn't...
It wasn't Santa.
So one night,
I waited for Andy to fall asleep.
I guess, at the time...
I didn't consider it it to be fraud?
or corpse mishandeling.
I just...
dressed the skeleton up a little.
And reposed it a little.
With some old wood from the burial
to suggest there was a sleigh...
a little...
(dramatic boom)
Funny, when you say it all out loud...
Yeah.
(sniffs)
Sorry.
Okay.
Looking for archaeological evidence of Santa Claus.
We were looking for archaeological evidence--
(sighs)
We are looking for aercheological evidence of Santa Claus.
Finland.
We were...
We are looking for Santa Claus in Finland.
Eve, I think.
(sighs)
Um, I was an only child, so...
Christmas always felt kind of small to me.
You know, all the movies, they
have these big families and beautiful houses and
it's all about coming together.
I never felt alone with Eve.
It was Christmas...
It was Christmas every day.
I smelt the air.
Yeah, um. Got it. Sorry.
Is here okay?
I don't really want to um...
(clears throat)
(breathes deeply)
(sighs)
Well a group of Arctic scientists found Dad's campsite.
That was about,
three days after he was declared missing.
His supplies were scattered everywhere.
Camera was pretty beat up.
They were able to get some footage off of it, but...
a lot of it's corrupted.
No one knows where he is, but...
It's been a while now, so, um...
he's legally been declared dead. So...
(chuckles)
It sounds stupid.
Actually, it sounds like something
my Dad would say, but...
I think he's still out there.
You know, I would feel it if he had died.
I think he's still out there.
No, I know he's still out there.
(clock ticks quietly)
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just um...
(breathes deeply)
This is the last thing I have to pack away.
Time's a funny thing.
I know that sounds like a clich.
Maybe it is.
But. The older I get, the truer it seems.
Being a kid was hard for me,
as I'm sure it was for most of us.
In one way or another.
But I just...
didn't fit in.
Um.
I don't mean because of the Santa stuff.
You know, I knew better than to share that.
But...
people...
found a way to...
You know how kids are.
So I tried to fit in.
Um, I...
tried to be perfect, I guess. Um.
The perfect man,
the perfect husband,
the perfect Dad.
And it's not up to me if I was those things.
But I tried.
By the time I told Liza about Santa,
we'd been married...
17 years.
And when I finally fessed up
she fully supported me.
No question.
And I realised, I'd...
missed out on...
17 years of being myself.
All because I was scared
that she might not like me.
But she did.
She loved me.
I was scared to find Santa
because if I did,
and it didn't go perfectly,
I don't think I would have been able to handle that.
But, as you get older, you...
you learn to be happy.
Or you learn to
allow yourself happiness.
I'm not saying that
I, I don't want things to be nice.
We all like nice things, who doesn't?
I'm just saying...
that...
my idea of perfection...
has gotten...
messier.
'I Need Santa Tonight' plays