Sarah Silverman: Someone You Love (2023) Movie Script
1
I get it with no pulp.
If it has pulp,
I'm gonna send it back. Okay.
Sarah, your nanny's here
with the triplets.
Oh, my babies.
Good luck, Mommy.
Oh, sweetie, I don't need luck.
You're a disgrace to my people.
I know. Mommy's so bad.
Mommy, when will you be home?
"Mommy, when will you be home?"
I'll be home when I'm home,
all right?
Colleen, thank you so much.
You're so amazing.
You know, everyone said,
"Don't get a hot nanny."
Oh, here I go.
Listen to Colleen, okay?
Do whatever she says.
Make sure you brush your teeth.
- Your breath smells like shit.
- Okay.
People of Earth,
introducing Sarah Silverman.
Sparkle peanut.
Hi. Hello.
Hi, hello.
Yeah.
Holy shit!
Thanks.
I know. I'm gonna start
with, like, a joke book-style joke.
What did the Jewish mother say
to her porn-star daughter
after watching her in a gang bang?
You were the best one.
You were the best one of all of them.
That's a great stereotype,
you know. It's true.
Jewish mothers,
they're just so bananas
for their kids.
My Sharon had all holes filled.
I've never seen anything like it.
Anywhere you could put a penis.
There was a penis in my Sharon.
I have a girlfriend who told me
she's switching gears career-wise
and is now a... a life coach.
I...
Look, I'm... I'm not saying
all life coaches are crazy
but I would maybe say that
crazy people are life coaches.
Is that fair?
She is in absolutely no position
to give other people advice at all.
I... It's so odd.
Maybe it's like the-cobbler's-son-
has-no-shoes kind of vibe
but it's bananas. She can't be alone.
She's a total wreck.
She's like, "I can't find a boyfriend
and there's no single guys
and half of men are gay.
And I can't tell and
I don't wanna waste my time."
And I'm like, "I don't know
if that's an exact statistic."
Then she says
"I just wish that gay men would wear
some kind of symbol."
And I said,
"Somebody thought of that already."
Look, is that the best joke
ever written?
No, I'm not saying it is.
But I... I do feel like
it's a very fresh take
on a Holocaust joke.
You know, this...
"Cause during the holo...
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
During the alleged Holocaust...
homosexuals were made
to wear pink triangles.
And Jews had to wear yellow stars.
Hold on a second.
When was Lucky Charms invented?
This cannot be a coincidence.
There's no way.
I'm not saying
that Lucky Charms are Nazis.
But I...
I would be very interested
in knowing what side of World War II
General Mills was on, guys.
All right. Sure.
Was there an armband involved?
Was he putting Jews
in ovens thinking...
"You know what cereal needs?"
It's gonna sound so crazy,
but marshmallows.
Nah, you're thinking
of the big fluffy ones.
No, these would be, like,
the small, crunchy ones.
Is that even a thing?
Oh, my God, you guys.
My boyfriend was like, "You can't say
'putting Jews in ovens.'
It's, like, too harsh.
It doesn't help the joke, you know?"
And I was just like
"Okay, so you want me
to soften the Holocaust?
Is that...
What should I say instead of
'putting Jews in ovens?'
Like, when he was being,
like, 'super cunty to Jews?'
Does that work better for you?"
I... I would never buy a German car.
And my parents before me,
they never bought a German car
'cause, you know, we don't wanna
give our money to Nazis.
But I just bought a German car.
But only because they're so good.
You know? Plus, I feel like
all the original Nazis are dead.
You know? And... and sure,
there are... there are new Nazis
but, you know, they don't know
how to make a car.
Just imagine somebody watching that,
like, "Yes, I do."
Like, "Oh, so you're a Nazi."
You know what I feel like?
I feel like I could walk up
to anyone on the street and be like
"Hi, I... I don't know you.
This is so weird.
But someone you love
who has passed on
wants you to know
it's not your fault.
Does that make sense for you?"
I don't know.
I just feel like maybe 100% of
people will know exactly
who I was talking about
exactly what I was talking about
and they would be unburdened,
you know?
I mean, what a mitzvah.
You know.
I mean, I guess
you could get drunk with power
but, you know, take it all back,
you know, like
"Oh, there's something else. Wait.
It's not your fault.
It's their fault for expecting
too much from you?
Does that resonate?"
My best friend Heidi is gay.
Actually, she just called me,
and she was like
"Look, I don't care
if you say that I'm gay.
I don't care
if you call me a lesbian.
But if you're interested
in how I identify
I identify as queer."
And I was so excited because,
you know, she's my best friend.
I wanna honor that.
But also, because I am from
this area, the Boston area
and...
Thank you.
And it's just so exciting to be able
to be progressive whilst saying
"Hold on a second.
You're fucking queer?"
She's like, "Yes."
So my best friend Heidi
is fucking queer.
She's like,
"I... I actually don't think
you have to say 'fucking'
before it, but yes."
I said, "I'm sorry."
She said, "It's okay. I love you."
I said, "I love you too."
We hung up and my boyfriend
was like, "Who was that?"
I go, "Some fucking queer."
But, you know, I don't know
if it's growing up in New England
or growing up in the '80s
or some kind of combination of both
but homophobia was
so deeply embedded in us.
We didn't even notice it.
I mean, we played a game
on the playground called
"Smear the Queer,"
and it was just like nothing.
I mean, even teachers were like
"Look, if you're gonna play
smear the queer
do it on the other wall.
They're taking the PSATs over here."
You know?
Just nothing.
Just normal.
So Heidi lives in New York.
And whenever I'm in New York,
we hook...
You know, we...
not hook up, but we hang out.
We...
We hang out and scissor
our pussies together.
No.
But we hang out and we meet and...
By the vagina. No, stop it.
Stop it.
So we meet in Washington,
we met in Washington Square Park.
And she said,
"I don't know what's going on.
I've had diarrhea
for three straight days."
And I was like, "Yeah, I don't know."
And...
Well, you know,
I'm not a doctor, so...
And we're backpack people.
So she goes, "Go in my backpack,
and get my water."
So I go in her backpack and I look
and there is a huge,
mostly eaten bag of prunes.
I pull it out.
I'm like, "Heidi, I solved the case.
You're like mawing prunes."
She takes the bag.
"They're not prunes,
they're dried plums."
"So let me ask you something.
What do you think prunes are?"
She said, "Are they dried plums?"
Yeah. She's a therapist, by the way.
I feel like I need you to know that.
But look, I get it.
Big Prune was probably like
"We need to rebrand.
We're the shit fruit."
I get it. It's smart.
I'd love to be in that pitch meeting.
"Pete, what do you got?"
"Texas raisins?"
"Okay. Sure.
They could, they are, like,
big, wrinkly raisins
but raisins is already a thing.
Pamela, what do you have?"
"Bathtub toes?"
"Okay.
It's creative. A bit of a thinker."
But of course,
they went with dried plums.
Good. They should go
with dried plums.
Of course, that's what they are.
But there should be a warning
on the label, you know.
"Warning.
These are prunes, though, right?"
So we're walking and talking
as we love to do.
And we... we kind of park ourselves
across the street
from a Catholic school
that's letting out.
And first of all,
I just wanna say I'm so glad
there's still Catholic school.
Because, you know,
they... they canceled the Boy Scouts
and then I thought
they were gonna cancel, like
all the molesty things.
No, they held strong. Good for them.
I feel bad for the Boy Scouts.
It's so unfair, you know?
All they wanna do is learn
how to, like, tie knots
and now they can't because
grown-ups won't stop trying to
fuck them. It's like...
And they're punished.
It's stupid. I... I've, I'm...
Listen, I'd love to think of
a solution, I'm spit balling here
but I'd love to be able
to have the Boy Scouts again.
It's just an idea.
Cameras in boys' assholes.
Hear me out.
Hello, Sharks. No.
You're probably thinking of, like,
a colonoscopy-type situation.
No, this would be facing out,
you know
like a, like a...
a Ring camera, you know?
And you can send your kid there
and not worry
and just keep an eye out.
If any shenanigans happen...
"Get away from our son's asshole.
Okay. He's gone."
I'm gonna put down
the make-believe phone.
So we're... we're standing
across the street
from a Catholic school
that is letting out.
And it's... it's boys
and girls leaving.
And the girls are all wearing
Catholic schoolgirl uniforms.
Like from porn. I...
I have only ever seen that in porn.
It was very jarring.
Look, I get it. You know,
Catholic school started it
but, like, porn finished it,
you know?
Maybe it's time to go another way.
You know, a... slack maybe
or something. I...
But they're really holding strong.
You know, it's like people who go
"You know, the swastika
was originally a Hindu symbol
for good luck."
Okay, but, like,
not anymore, right?
Okay.
So we're standing across the street
from a Catholic school
that's letting out.
And the kids are leaving
and I can no longer contain myself
like I once could.
And I just went, "There's no hell!"
And one of the kids was like, "What?"
I... I'm an adult,
and I promise you, there is not hell.
It's... it's a... a...
It's made up by people
to manipulate you through fear.
It... It isn't real, I promise.
And... and I promise
that knowing there isn't hell
you won't suddenly murder
or something.
You'll still be a good person.
And Heidi said, "You can't tell
other people's kids there's no hell."
And I was like,
"Did I ruin hell for them?"
But I just can't bear the thought
of people fearing hell.
Moving through their lives,
fearing hell.
Hell is so terrifying, you know?
I went to church growing up
all the time
because I grew up in New Hampshire
and I would sleepover
friends' houses on Saturday
and then I would have to go to church
with them on Sunday.
And it was terrifying, you know?
I mean, the priest
was threatening us with hell.
It was so scary, you know?
The only fun part was the wafer.
And every time I went to go up,
the mother would go, "Not you!"
Like, I mean,
even as a little kid, I was like
"You know,
it's not really the body of Christ.
You, like, you bought this
at Costco. I...
What is your fear?
That I'm gonna, like,
put a schmear on it?"
But it is really scary church.
I mean, I'm sure #notallpriests
but it was terrifying.
Like, if you saw a... person
screaming at a kid on the street
telling them they're gonna, you know,
burn in a fire for eternity
you'd probably call,
like, child services, you know?
Yeah, there's a man
threatening a child.
What's, oh, he's in all black.
And he's got, like, a...
like a white embellishment
on the collar.
Oh, that's okay.
All right. I'm sorry?
Oh, and they don't pay taxes. Great.
Okay, bye-bye.
No.
I just, I... I can't bear the thought
of people making choices
from, like, fearing hell, you know?
I mean, I'm sure
this is a godless crowd.
But, I mean...
Yeah, sure.
I mean, does it make you better
than anyone else?
But, yes, we're mostly godless here.
I'm sure there are some people
that are believing hell and...
Not like, "Who are you?
Raise your hand." I mean, I...
No, I have God people in my life,
you know?
My sister's a rabbi. My...
I sexted with a Jesuit priest
for three years.
So hot. My God.
And it is Jesuit because I...
Like I said, "Jezuit"
and then he was like,
"No, it's Jesuit."
And then I was like, "Is it Jejush?"
I was unsure
if it's a speech impediment.
But, no, it's Jesuit.
But if you fear hell, I just,
I wish I could release you from it.
So someone you love
who has passed on...
wants you to know no hell.
There's no hell.
How about this?
Oh, thank you, all four of you.
Like...
Audiences is you...
They usually work as one,
but you really...
made a choice.
How about this?
If there's hell,
may God strike me dead right now.
Yeah.
See? No God.
I...
I don't, look, maybe there's hell.
I mean, I know
I seemed really positive about it
but the only way I know...
Listen, if the burden
of proof were on me.
No, I can't prove there's no hell.
But I just know there is no hell
because I believe it with
my whole heart.
And that's science.
You know? But...
I really do.
It's like anti-choice protesters
you know, outside
of our dwindling abortion clinics
with their big posters of fetuses?
And, you know, they believe
with their whole heart
that abortion is murder.
So that puts me in a pickle.
But I...
I almost feel like
a fucked-up kinship with them
because I don't like
what they're doing
but they just believe something.
Really, it's the...
it's the disingenuous politicians
that are stripping our rights away
for no good reason
that I hope go to the hell
I don't believe in, I guess.
But I...
But these people,
you know, they just believe.
And I... I know what that is.
I know what that feels like
to just believe something
with your whole heart.
So much so that you...
you want other people
to believe it too, you know?
I just think that if
what you believe is righteous
you should be able
to convince other people
using just only what is the truth.
And fetuses are not poster-sized.
They're just...
They're only small.
I mean, if fetuses were poster-sized,
I'd be like
"Yeah, that's alive," you know?
But they're not.
Yeah. They're just teeny-tiny.
I mean, if fetuses were poster-sized
those same people
would probably hunt them.
Yeah.
And that's, it's conjecture
on my part.
And I... I looked it up,
and that is the right word.
Look, make the poster. I support you.
Just... just make it actual size,
you know?
This is life!
This is life!
This.
That's life.
That.
You're just...
you're not changing my mind.
You're just convincing me
and everyone at FedEx Kinko's
that you're, like, super gross.
I don't know, I just don't buy
that this is about...
life or caring for life or...
Thank you.
Well...
And I feel so weird saying this,
but it's gotta be about...
hating women
or maybe fearing women?
You know? Because if fetuses
weren't inside our bodies
they'd be everywhere.
You know,
we'd... we'd spray for them.
But it...
Yeah, all right.
If... if fetuses weren't inside
our bodies
they would just be like...
"Yeah, I was talking to Mike
about doing a... a block party.
Maybe everyone can bring their own,
I'll bring my famous egg...
Oh, gross.
My famous egg salad."
I'm not a good improviser.
I don't know what, how that...
where the block party came from.
I had an existential crisis.
A crisis of existence.
It was, well, I was watching TV.
Listen, I'm cool.
I watch all the streamers,
but at night
I watch regular cable TV
because I must fall asleep
to Law and Order.
And, you know, that's on, like, USA
or ION Television
or MeTV or whatever.
And I just, I don't know what it is.
I can't fall asleep
unless it's to the dulcet tones
of softcore murder. But...
So I'm watching
and this commercial comes on.
It... it's for Cottonelle
Extra Clean...
which...
Thank you.
I wipe my pussy with it.
I'm sorry. All right.
Well, I do.
It is, as a sidebar
to this existential crisis story.
It is my brand, I will say.
I just... 'cause I like the ripples
and it really...
It doesn't break apart
into a thousand pieces in my...
I'm not trying to
make you all come. I need...
I need a strong toilet tissue
for my asshole and vagina.
And... or vagina and asshole,
I guess.
It's a front-to-back correction
for the ladies.
Wait.
No, but everyone, not the like...
Everyone wipes front to back, right?
Did you just say no? Oh, yes.
You know why
I wasn't thinking men is 'cause I...
I don't know where your front
starts, you know?
Like, I just...
But I'm the worst, though.
Like, I'm gonna be hon...
I don't know
where my pee comes out
of specifically, you know?
I only know it's at least
three places, but I...
Okay, back on track. The special.
Oh, existential crisis.
So this commercial comes on
and it's for Cottonelle Extra Clean.
And this is the commercial. It's...
There's a woman standing in
a field with a microphone
and then there's a row of outhouses
where I guess, I don't know,
people come from far and wide
to take shits? And it's the premise.
And as people come out,
she interviews them.
Okay, so a guy comes out
and she says, "How did it go?"
And he goes, "Good."
And then she goes,
"Do you feel clean?"
And he goes, "Yeah."
And then she says,
"By the way, what's this?"
There's a microphone right here.
What's this? I don't need to do that.
She...
So she says, "How did it go?"
He says, "Good."
She says, "Do you feel clean?"
He says, "Yes."
And then she says,
"Clean enough to go commando?"
This is when everything
I understood about life
just went kablooey because...
Do we wear underwear
to... to keep from getting shit
in our pants?
I...
I've never understood life
to be this way.
I... We're...
We're just ball parking it
and then...
pulling up a cotton shit shield.
Keep our chinos clean.
That's fucking disgusting.
I'm sorry. I do not leave a bathroom
unless I am clean two inches deep.
You're supposed to wipe
until it comes back clean.
Are you fucking kidding me?
No. For me, there must be blood. I...
Just a dot, you know?
It's... it's just like a stoplight.
Red means stop, you know?
Green means go, I guess.
To the hospital, I guess.
Hello? Hello?
I can get pretty low. When I'm...
When I come home I'm scared
and I walk around my house like this.
Hello?
Hello?
I look under my bed. Hello?
I look in the closet. Hello!
Hello!
I don't know what I'm going for.
It's like, it's not just
that I wanna sound like a man.
I wanna sound like a fucking lunatic.
Hello!
What do I think is gonna happen?
Like, murderers are gonna be like
"Let's get out of here.
This guy's crazy.
What is he, a life coach?"
Oh, oh, yeah.
It's called a callback, baby.
Oh, my God.
What happened?
Jesus Christ.
I know this is impossible,
but it feels like they switched.
I have a dog.
She's not gonna protect me
if murderers come over, you know?
She'll just lie on her back and
be like, "Rub my belly."
But, I don't know, in that way
I feel like she would protect me
because murderers would be like,
"Oh, what are we doing?"
Oh, I got the greatest road gig.
I got to go to Hawaii to do stand-up.
Like, I got paid
to go to fucking Hawaii.
And thank you, thank you.
So I go... I go to the hotel,
super fancy hotel
and I go to check in.
Oh, and the lady at the front desk
recognized me and she was like
"Oh, my God. I love you.
You are in my top four
all-time favorite comedians."
And I was like
"You know that I know
that means I'm fourth, right?" I'm...
I'm not walking away from this like,
"Maybe I'm second," you know?
No.
There's... there's no top four.
I should have just said thank you.
So I go put on my bathing suit.
I'm so excited.
I'm gonna go swimming in the pool.
Fancy schmancy hotel pool.
Cabanas, the whole thing.
And in the pool area, there is a sign
like a professionally made sign.
And it says, "If you have diarrhea...
or have had diarrhea
in the past two weeks
you are not permitted in our pool."
I mean, just say it,
"No Jews allowed." I...
That's a microaggression.
Right? Are there
any Jews here tonight?
Okay, keep it down. Just do this.
These are precarious times.
I've been so worried on this tour
because I'm in, like, every town.
And I feel like people, you know,
there might be someone going
"I wanna kill all the Jews in Boston.
But how will we get them all
into one room?"
Hello.
Real Lenny-Squiggy moment.
Who's... Who's Jewish?
Just real close.
You doll.
- What's your name, doll?
- Kim.
Kim.
- What did you say?
- Kim Epstein.
Oh, Kim Epstein.
No, don't let him have Epstein.
Think of Juan Epstein. Hey!
Signed Epstein's mother, huh?
This is your wife?
All right.
She took your name?
So...
Oh, what... what's the hyphen?
Now I forgot your first name.
Kim Martin-Epstein. Hello.
Can I... All right, Kim,
may I ask you a question as a Jew?
Okay.
Have you ever gone 14 days
with zero diarrhea?
Okay. That would be absurd. I know.
That would be considered
a miracle in our religion, right?
I mean, what's the big miracle?
Hanukkah.
You know what that miracle is?
A lamp worked.
Longer than expected.
This blows that out of the water.
We light this candle...
to celebrate...
Kim Martin-Epstein...
who, despite only having
enough Imodium AD for two nights...
lasted 14 nights.
And she was able to swim
at the Four Seasons pool.
Dayenu.
I don't know why people hate Jews
so much, you know?
I mean, I get a little, but so much?
There's barely any of us.
And Jews make up,
what, like, one-fifth
of 1% of the world.
Like, if you round down,
there are zero of us, so...
Fucking relax.
Jews will not replace you, Tyler.
We could barely replace ourselves.
I even asked Siri.
I go, "Hey, Siri...
how many Jews are in the world?"
And she said, "Too many."
I was like, "Siri!
Disable location."
Just to be safe.
Let's switch gears.
Hitler wrote a book.
Oh, snap.
I stayed on topic.
What's Hitler's book called?
- Mein Kampf.
- Mein Kampf.
Some of the non-Jews, I feel like,
answered that as well.
I just...
No, I keep it on mein nightstand.
What... what does Mein Kampf mean?
My struggle.
Don't yell at me about it.
That's what Mein Kampf means.
"My struggle."
That's what Hitler's book is called.
"My struggle."
That's what Mein Kampf means.
"My struggle."
Is there a more Jewish-sounding book
than actual Hitler's book?
Should I call this special
My Struggle?
Wouldn't that be funny?
I mean...
I should call it My Struggle.
Honestly, because
I feel like people would believe
that I would take myself
that seriously
to call my comedy special
Sarah Silverman: My Struggle.
But also because, like,
when it, you know, gets translated
for Germany, you know.
Some people
who would buy it would be
in for, like, a really big surprise.
I read something about Hitler
I couldn't believe.
I thought I knew everything
there was to know about Hitler
because, you know,
Jews are real Hitler heads.
We wanna know everything.
But I was Wikipedia-ing him
and because I had five minutes.
I never knew this.
Maybe you know this.
I never knew this. This is true.
Hitler, for years,
molested his niece.
I, yeah. Now he's really canceled.
Can you believe it?
I can.
He's probably like, "I don't know,
I killed six million Jews.
What, am I gonna not molest
my niece now?"
Yeah. That was the right response.
I just feel so...
Like, I... do this podcast,
and on it I'm so...
Thank you. And...
But I'm so earnest on it, you know?
And the past couple of years,
I've been so Jewy on it, you know?
Like, I... I'm godless.
Well, I'm a godless Jew.
People are like,
"How can you be a godless Jew?"
You can.
That's what's so great about it.
But I...
I... I've just been so Jewy on it.
And I think
because there's been so much...
such a rise in anti-Semitism
and it's like...
I don't know, it's like if you go,
"My mom's a bitch"
and your friend goes,
"Yeah, your mom's a fucking bitch"
and you're like,
"What did you say about my mom?"
But I... But then, you know,
my boyfriend goes
"Yeah. But then you do stand-up
and you're like
'Jews are gross.
Jews have diarrhea.'"
And I'm like, "Oh."
Try to justify it, like
maybe it's like I'm, like,
taking back the night kind of vibe.
But, no, I'm... I'm selling out
my culture for laughs.
I mean, if you think about it
what could be
more authentically Jewish?
But...
No. I'm sorry, I can't help it.
It makes me so much money.
Thank you. Well, not your problem.
This is my kampf to deal with
on mein time.
I feel like
I have relationship advice.
Really, for men.
Well, you know what?
For tops, I would say.
But how do I get into this? Like...
I have these friends.
They're a couple.
They're a heterosexual couple.
And I'm... I'm good friends
with both of them.
But, my God, the... the guy, just...
I watch him repeat the same pattern
over and over again
and it drives me insane.
How do I explain it?
Here, there's an example.
Like, she cut her arm.
She was like, "Aw, my arm."
He says, "You're okay."
Has that ever worked?
"Aw, my arm." "You're okay."
"Oh, my God. You know what?
I am okay. Thank you."
No.
She doesn't feel worried about.
There's no gesture of concern.
Now she has to double down.
"It fucking hurts!"
Is that what you were looking for,
Kevin?
Was that the reaction you wanted?
And yet he does it again and again.
He does this.
And I get it.
I know why he says "you're okay."
It's because he...
he very much wants her
to be okay, you know?
And also,
it's probably partly like...
You know how with toddlers?
Like, if a toddler falls down,
our reaction is like, "Oh."
You know,
because they look to us for a cue.
So we've gotta, like,
fucking pull our shit together
and act like they're fine.
I get that,
but women are not toddlers.
They're...
They're just like regular people.
You know?
They want to feel like
you are worried or you're...
Like, just like you do, you know?
Like, just some kind of, like...
Just triple the... the worry.
That's all he has to do.
And he'll go... he doesn't even have
to mean it, you know?
"Aw, my arm."
"Fuck, babe, are you okay?"
Now she feels cared for.
Now she is okay.
"Oh, it's all right.
It's just pain. What's up?"
You know, like, it's...
That's what you want.
He never learns.
Although I will say
my boyfriend has watched me do
this bit a few times now
and I swear to God,
he has been markedly more attentive.
So I guess my advice would be
start doing stand-up comedy.
Really hone it for years,
decades even.
Become one of the all-time greats.
Or...
Or, hey, you know,
somewhere in the top four.
And manipulate your loved ones
through observational comedy.
It's so funny how...
Language is always changing,
obviously.
We don't walk around saying "doth"
or whatever.
And a good example.
You know, now we get the pronouns
and everything.
Good. It's really not a big deal.
It's so funny to me
when people are like
"God with these pronouns."
You can fight it.
We're all gonna be saying it
like muscle memory
in five years, you know?
But they always fight it.
I'm so excited to call you "they,"
"them" or whatever the fuck.
And I fuck it up
a hundred percent of the time.
And I go, "Oh, God!"
And they're always like,
"Yeah, don't worry about it.
They just... just try."
They just want you to try.
That's all, a little effort.
It's like what they say
when you go to France, you know?
Just walk up to someone and be like,
"Where's the Eiffel Tower?" You know?
Or it's like, "Fuck you."
Just, you have to try,
that's all, you know?
They do all speak English,
but you have to go
"Yeah, parlez vous..."
"Oh, don't worry about it.
I speak English. What do you want?"
You know?
But I believe in us.
We learned Galifianakis
after just one Hangover movie.
And we can do this.
Then there's language
that we've just always known
since we were born.
And... and we don't think twice
about it, you know?
We don't question it at all.
I'm talking about balls.
You know, we...
I get it, you know, balls.
"Gosh, she's got balls up there,
you know?"
Or "Grow a pair of balls."
Or "He's got balls."
That's what we're using?
Balls? Really?
I mean, to mean guts or moxie
or nerve or courage or strength?
Ball... Human balls?
I... I'm sorry, I...
Is there anything more fragile
in the whole world?
Like...
Even a Faberge egg, you could, like,
kick down a step, you know?
Balls have to be
the exact right temperature.
Like... like they're more finicky
than the Moderna vaccine, you know?
Oh, my God, balls are so fragile.
Like, when you go in the ocean,
your balls are like, "Ew, I'm cold.
I've gotta get up close to the body."
That's what we're using for courage?
Bravery?
Oh, I'm hot. I've gotta get low.
Lower!
Let me just peek out your shorts
for one second.
I get it. Balls is fun, you know?
"Balls is fun?"
That can't be right.
No, it is. "Balls."
"Balls."
The... phrase. What is it?
Right. It seems like
it should be balls are fun.
Thank you, lesbian.
No, I get it. Grammar wise,
I go "balls" is fun to say.
But, like, "balls,"
the phrase, is fun.
Sorry, my mother was a grammar Nazi.
The worst kind of Nazi.
But listen, it doesn't offend me.
Yeah, I say balls. You've got balls.
But you know what I say now,
and it's so much more fun?
Grow a pair of lips.
It's so good.
That guy has got lips to say that.
Got fucking lips.
It's fun.
Even my boyfriend says it now,
and he's a toxic male.
But it just makes more sense too.
I'm not just trying to be like
the feminist version.
I mean, vaginas are so resilient.
You know, they...
they push out entire human beings
and then snap back,
like, maybe 60%.
But that's a lot.
It's just crazy. Balls are pussies.
Pussies are balls.
You know, when you hear about,
like, mindfulness, you know?
Mindfulness. Ooh, mindfulness.
Be mindful.
I feel like it gets a real eye roll.
Yeah, it sounds very, like,
coastal elite liberal tears-ish.
What the fuck is happening right now?
Hold on.
I'm gonna piece this together.
I know what happened.
He saw no way out. He had to pee.
And then he went over a railing.
And it seems like he wanted attention
but he didn't because I was like...
We're all looking at him
and he was just like...
I gave you a tucked ass, but I...
I have a juicier ass if I want it.
But I... I can slip a disk.
Mindfulness, yes,
can be very eye-rolly.
But the truth is, all it means is,
like, to be aware of something
and then act accordingly.
Mindfulness. It isn't a big deal.
It's like if you're going to a party
and your friend before you went said
"Listen, you might see Nancy there.
You should know her son passed away
a couple of years ago."
Mindfulness. Now you know not
to go up to Nancy and be like
"Nancy, how's your alive son?"
It's pretty simple, you know?
It's not a big deal.
Although I, oh, I...
One time I was...
I did a... a television pilot
with a producer
who's in a wheelchair.
He's been in a wheelchair
his whole life.
And after, well, after work one day,
we all went out to eat.
And we're laughing, talking.
People are talking about, like,
well, you know
what they're watching on TV,
whatever.
And all of a sudden,
I get this idea and I'm so excited.
And I look at him and I go,
"You know what you would love?"
And he said, "What?"
And I said, "Walking."
Yeah, I thought it was funny too.
I... You know? I...
He did not laugh.
My heart, it was...
Oh, I felt so bad.
And it was even worse too
because I...
When I thought of it, I got so giddy
and excited and I was like
"You know what you'd like?
Fucking asshole.
In my defense, I was not made aware
that he could not take a joke.
Oh, I have new porn.
I have a new, like,
porn genre I watch
different from my last special.
So I thought I should catch you up.
It's really...
I feel good about it
because it feels like a,
like a victimless crime, you know?
It's basically, like,
very verbally abusive
verbally dominant men having sex
with pocket pussies.
Now...
What is a pocket pussy?
Some of you may not know.
It's just what it sounds.
It's a... a disembodied vagina
that you can have sex with.
And it's... it's...
I guess in the...
What it is, is they...
take the pocket pussy...
It's very niche.
There's only a few of these videos
but they... they seem to,
like, wedge it
between their mattress
and their box spring.
And I don't know of this part of it,
but there always seems to be
maybe like a pile of laundry
in the background.
And then they...
they have sex with it.
And then the verbal part is
they're like
"Yeah, you whore. You want this.
You slut. You bitch."
And it just does it for me.
I don't know why. I...
I would not want this in real life.
Oh, my gosh. Look at you.
There is a grown man like this...
It was so cute. Oh, my gosh.
It's also just when they do it,
it... does it for me.
But it also, and I know...
They're so, like,
verbally abusive and...
But it's also just very vulnerable
because, you know, like, there's...
There isn't a person there.
I don't know. Look, are...
are men who filmed themselves
having sex
with a pocket pussy creeps?
Sure. Yes.
But what does that make
that nice lady
who's watching them?
I'll tell you, a hero.
I just feel like, too,
if I had a penis
I feel like
I would love a pocket pussy.
Just from the sound.
Like, it sounds like...
I can't do it.
I didn't know, it's suctiony.
What else is in the news?
Right?
God, my... my biggest fear,
my all-time number one fear
is getting dementia
and masturbating in public and...
Terrified.
Terrified of this.
And it's really ruined my life.
Because even when I go to do
what's perfectly natural
in my own bedroom,
under my own covers with my phone
which is masturbate...
to that.
I can't even come to fruition anymore
without suddenly feeling like
"Oh, my God.
Am I doing this
at my grandson's Bar Mitzvah?
Like, you know.
Bet you never thought of that one.
Anyway, now you will. I...
You know,
I was thinking about this today
and I have a...
a very strong moral compass.
I was just thinking about this today.
Very strong moral compass.
And then I realized
that you can't say "moral compass"
without "come" and "piss."
And I was so excited, you know?
And... and then I realized
that you can't say "moral compass"
without "oral cum piss."
And I was so jazzed.
And then I realized that
you can't say "moral compass"
without "mmm oral come piss."
And I was so excited.
I was like, "That's me."
Thank you, Boston!
I got something to tell you
But I don't want to tell you
But your breath smells like the shit
Of a really sick dog
I got something to tell you
But you won't like it
Fine, I'll tell you
But your breath smells like
A stomach ache feels
Also, when we're in a quiet car
And you bite into an apple
The sound of your chewing
Makes me wanna fucking die
Oh, and one more thing
Well, actually, two little things
And they are in the corners
Of your gross mouth
Go like this
And then flick
And then boil your hand
Your breath smells like
An everything bagel
But the everything
On that bagel
Isn't seeds
It's not seeds
It's human shit
I've got something to tell you
But you won't like it
Fine, I'll tell you
But your breath smells like
A stomach ache feels
Translator: IYUNO
I get it with no pulp.
If it has pulp,
I'm gonna send it back. Okay.
Sarah, your nanny's here
with the triplets.
Oh, my babies.
Good luck, Mommy.
Oh, sweetie, I don't need luck.
You're a disgrace to my people.
I know. Mommy's so bad.
Mommy, when will you be home?
"Mommy, when will you be home?"
I'll be home when I'm home,
all right?
Colleen, thank you so much.
You're so amazing.
You know, everyone said,
"Don't get a hot nanny."
Oh, here I go.
Listen to Colleen, okay?
Do whatever she says.
Make sure you brush your teeth.
- Your breath smells like shit.
- Okay.
People of Earth,
introducing Sarah Silverman.
Sparkle peanut.
Hi. Hello.
Hi, hello.
Yeah.
Holy shit!
Thanks.
I know. I'm gonna start
with, like, a joke book-style joke.
What did the Jewish mother say
to her porn-star daughter
after watching her in a gang bang?
You were the best one.
You were the best one of all of them.
That's a great stereotype,
you know. It's true.
Jewish mothers,
they're just so bananas
for their kids.
My Sharon had all holes filled.
I've never seen anything like it.
Anywhere you could put a penis.
There was a penis in my Sharon.
I have a girlfriend who told me
she's switching gears career-wise
and is now a... a life coach.
I...
Look, I'm... I'm not saying
all life coaches are crazy
but I would maybe say that
crazy people are life coaches.
Is that fair?
She is in absolutely no position
to give other people advice at all.
I... It's so odd.
Maybe it's like the-cobbler's-son-
has-no-shoes kind of vibe
but it's bananas. She can't be alone.
She's a total wreck.
She's like, "I can't find a boyfriend
and there's no single guys
and half of men are gay.
And I can't tell and
I don't wanna waste my time."
And I'm like, "I don't know
if that's an exact statistic."
Then she says
"I just wish that gay men would wear
some kind of symbol."
And I said,
"Somebody thought of that already."
Look, is that the best joke
ever written?
No, I'm not saying it is.
But I... I do feel like
it's a very fresh take
on a Holocaust joke.
You know, this...
"Cause during the holo...
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
During the alleged Holocaust...
homosexuals were made
to wear pink triangles.
And Jews had to wear yellow stars.
Hold on a second.
When was Lucky Charms invented?
This cannot be a coincidence.
There's no way.
I'm not saying
that Lucky Charms are Nazis.
But I...
I would be very interested
in knowing what side of World War II
General Mills was on, guys.
All right. Sure.
Was there an armband involved?
Was he putting Jews
in ovens thinking...
"You know what cereal needs?"
It's gonna sound so crazy,
but marshmallows.
Nah, you're thinking
of the big fluffy ones.
No, these would be, like,
the small, crunchy ones.
Is that even a thing?
Oh, my God, you guys.
My boyfriend was like, "You can't say
'putting Jews in ovens.'
It's, like, too harsh.
It doesn't help the joke, you know?"
And I was just like
"Okay, so you want me
to soften the Holocaust?
Is that...
What should I say instead of
'putting Jews in ovens?'
Like, when he was being,
like, 'super cunty to Jews?'
Does that work better for you?"
I... I would never buy a German car.
And my parents before me,
they never bought a German car
'cause, you know, we don't wanna
give our money to Nazis.
But I just bought a German car.
But only because they're so good.
You know? Plus, I feel like
all the original Nazis are dead.
You know? And... and sure,
there are... there are new Nazis
but, you know, they don't know
how to make a car.
Just imagine somebody watching that,
like, "Yes, I do."
Like, "Oh, so you're a Nazi."
You know what I feel like?
I feel like I could walk up
to anyone on the street and be like
"Hi, I... I don't know you.
This is so weird.
But someone you love
who has passed on
wants you to know
it's not your fault.
Does that make sense for you?"
I don't know.
I just feel like maybe 100% of
people will know exactly
who I was talking about
exactly what I was talking about
and they would be unburdened,
you know?
I mean, what a mitzvah.
You know.
I mean, I guess
you could get drunk with power
but, you know, take it all back,
you know, like
"Oh, there's something else. Wait.
It's not your fault.
It's their fault for expecting
too much from you?
Does that resonate?"
My best friend Heidi is gay.
Actually, she just called me,
and she was like
"Look, I don't care
if you say that I'm gay.
I don't care
if you call me a lesbian.
But if you're interested
in how I identify
I identify as queer."
And I was so excited because,
you know, she's my best friend.
I wanna honor that.
But also, because I am from
this area, the Boston area
and...
Thank you.
And it's just so exciting to be able
to be progressive whilst saying
"Hold on a second.
You're fucking queer?"
She's like, "Yes."
So my best friend Heidi
is fucking queer.
She's like,
"I... I actually don't think
you have to say 'fucking'
before it, but yes."
I said, "I'm sorry."
She said, "It's okay. I love you."
I said, "I love you too."
We hung up and my boyfriend
was like, "Who was that?"
I go, "Some fucking queer."
But, you know, I don't know
if it's growing up in New England
or growing up in the '80s
or some kind of combination of both
but homophobia was
so deeply embedded in us.
We didn't even notice it.
I mean, we played a game
on the playground called
"Smear the Queer,"
and it was just like nothing.
I mean, even teachers were like
"Look, if you're gonna play
smear the queer
do it on the other wall.
They're taking the PSATs over here."
You know?
Just nothing.
Just normal.
So Heidi lives in New York.
And whenever I'm in New York,
we hook...
You know, we...
not hook up, but we hang out.
We...
We hang out and scissor
our pussies together.
No.
But we hang out and we meet and...
By the vagina. No, stop it.
Stop it.
So we meet in Washington,
we met in Washington Square Park.
And she said,
"I don't know what's going on.
I've had diarrhea
for three straight days."
And I was like, "Yeah, I don't know."
And...
Well, you know,
I'm not a doctor, so...
And we're backpack people.
So she goes, "Go in my backpack,
and get my water."
So I go in her backpack and I look
and there is a huge,
mostly eaten bag of prunes.
I pull it out.
I'm like, "Heidi, I solved the case.
You're like mawing prunes."
She takes the bag.
"They're not prunes,
they're dried plums."
"So let me ask you something.
What do you think prunes are?"
She said, "Are they dried plums?"
Yeah. She's a therapist, by the way.
I feel like I need you to know that.
But look, I get it.
Big Prune was probably like
"We need to rebrand.
We're the shit fruit."
I get it. It's smart.
I'd love to be in that pitch meeting.
"Pete, what do you got?"
"Texas raisins?"
"Okay. Sure.
They could, they are, like,
big, wrinkly raisins
but raisins is already a thing.
Pamela, what do you have?"
"Bathtub toes?"
"Okay.
It's creative. A bit of a thinker."
But of course,
they went with dried plums.
Good. They should go
with dried plums.
Of course, that's what they are.
But there should be a warning
on the label, you know.
"Warning.
These are prunes, though, right?"
So we're walking and talking
as we love to do.
And we... we kind of park ourselves
across the street
from a Catholic school
that's letting out.
And first of all,
I just wanna say I'm so glad
there's still Catholic school.
Because, you know,
they... they canceled the Boy Scouts
and then I thought
they were gonna cancel, like
all the molesty things.
No, they held strong. Good for them.
I feel bad for the Boy Scouts.
It's so unfair, you know?
All they wanna do is learn
how to, like, tie knots
and now they can't because
grown-ups won't stop trying to
fuck them. It's like...
And they're punished.
It's stupid. I... I've, I'm...
Listen, I'd love to think of
a solution, I'm spit balling here
but I'd love to be able
to have the Boy Scouts again.
It's just an idea.
Cameras in boys' assholes.
Hear me out.
Hello, Sharks. No.
You're probably thinking of, like,
a colonoscopy-type situation.
No, this would be facing out,
you know
like a, like a...
a Ring camera, you know?
And you can send your kid there
and not worry
and just keep an eye out.
If any shenanigans happen...
"Get away from our son's asshole.
Okay. He's gone."
I'm gonna put down
the make-believe phone.
So we're... we're standing
across the street
from a Catholic school
that is letting out.
And it's... it's boys
and girls leaving.
And the girls are all wearing
Catholic schoolgirl uniforms.
Like from porn. I...
I have only ever seen that in porn.
It was very jarring.
Look, I get it. You know,
Catholic school started it
but, like, porn finished it,
you know?
Maybe it's time to go another way.
You know, a... slack maybe
or something. I...
But they're really holding strong.
You know, it's like people who go
"You know, the swastika
was originally a Hindu symbol
for good luck."
Okay, but, like,
not anymore, right?
Okay.
So we're standing across the street
from a Catholic school
that's letting out.
And the kids are leaving
and I can no longer contain myself
like I once could.
And I just went, "There's no hell!"
And one of the kids was like, "What?"
I... I'm an adult,
and I promise you, there is not hell.
It's... it's a... a...
It's made up by people
to manipulate you through fear.
It... It isn't real, I promise.
And... and I promise
that knowing there isn't hell
you won't suddenly murder
or something.
You'll still be a good person.
And Heidi said, "You can't tell
other people's kids there's no hell."
And I was like,
"Did I ruin hell for them?"
But I just can't bear the thought
of people fearing hell.
Moving through their lives,
fearing hell.
Hell is so terrifying, you know?
I went to church growing up
all the time
because I grew up in New Hampshire
and I would sleepover
friends' houses on Saturday
and then I would have to go to church
with them on Sunday.
And it was terrifying, you know?
I mean, the priest
was threatening us with hell.
It was so scary, you know?
The only fun part was the wafer.
And every time I went to go up,
the mother would go, "Not you!"
Like, I mean,
even as a little kid, I was like
"You know,
it's not really the body of Christ.
You, like, you bought this
at Costco. I...
What is your fear?
That I'm gonna, like,
put a schmear on it?"
But it is really scary church.
I mean, I'm sure #notallpriests
but it was terrifying.
Like, if you saw a... person
screaming at a kid on the street
telling them they're gonna, you know,
burn in a fire for eternity
you'd probably call,
like, child services, you know?
Yeah, there's a man
threatening a child.
What's, oh, he's in all black.
And he's got, like, a...
like a white embellishment
on the collar.
Oh, that's okay.
All right. I'm sorry?
Oh, and they don't pay taxes. Great.
Okay, bye-bye.
No.
I just, I... I can't bear the thought
of people making choices
from, like, fearing hell, you know?
I mean, I'm sure
this is a godless crowd.
But, I mean...
Yeah, sure.
I mean, does it make you better
than anyone else?
But, yes, we're mostly godless here.
I'm sure there are some people
that are believing hell and...
Not like, "Who are you?
Raise your hand." I mean, I...
No, I have God people in my life,
you know?
My sister's a rabbi. My...
I sexted with a Jesuit priest
for three years.
So hot. My God.
And it is Jesuit because I...
Like I said, "Jezuit"
and then he was like,
"No, it's Jesuit."
And then I was like, "Is it Jejush?"
I was unsure
if it's a speech impediment.
But, no, it's Jesuit.
But if you fear hell, I just,
I wish I could release you from it.
So someone you love
who has passed on...
wants you to know no hell.
There's no hell.
How about this?
Oh, thank you, all four of you.
Like...
Audiences is you...
They usually work as one,
but you really...
made a choice.
How about this?
If there's hell,
may God strike me dead right now.
Yeah.
See? No God.
I...
I don't, look, maybe there's hell.
I mean, I know
I seemed really positive about it
but the only way I know...
Listen, if the burden
of proof were on me.
No, I can't prove there's no hell.
But I just know there is no hell
because I believe it with
my whole heart.
And that's science.
You know? But...
I really do.
It's like anti-choice protesters
you know, outside
of our dwindling abortion clinics
with their big posters of fetuses?
And, you know, they believe
with their whole heart
that abortion is murder.
So that puts me in a pickle.
But I...
I almost feel like
a fucked-up kinship with them
because I don't like
what they're doing
but they just believe something.
Really, it's the...
it's the disingenuous politicians
that are stripping our rights away
for no good reason
that I hope go to the hell
I don't believe in, I guess.
But I...
But these people,
you know, they just believe.
And I... I know what that is.
I know what that feels like
to just believe something
with your whole heart.
So much so that you...
you want other people
to believe it too, you know?
I just think that if
what you believe is righteous
you should be able
to convince other people
using just only what is the truth.
And fetuses are not poster-sized.
They're just...
They're only small.
I mean, if fetuses were poster-sized,
I'd be like
"Yeah, that's alive," you know?
But they're not.
Yeah. They're just teeny-tiny.
I mean, if fetuses were poster-sized
those same people
would probably hunt them.
Yeah.
And that's, it's conjecture
on my part.
And I... I looked it up,
and that is the right word.
Look, make the poster. I support you.
Just... just make it actual size,
you know?
This is life!
This is life!
This.
That's life.
That.
You're just...
you're not changing my mind.
You're just convincing me
and everyone at FedEx Kinko's
that you're, like, super gross.
I don't know, I just don't buy
that this is about...
life or caring for life or...
Thank you.
Well...
And I feel so weird saying this,
but it's gotta be about...
hating women
or maybe fearing women?
You know? Because if fetuses
weren't inside our bodies
they'd be everywhere.
You know,
we'd... we'd spray for them.
But it...
Yeah, all right.
If... if fetuses weren't inside
our bodies
they would just be like...
"Yeah, I was talking to Mike
about doing a... a block party.
Maybe everyone can bring their own,
I'll bring my famous egg...
Oh, gross.
My famous egg salad."
I'm not a good improviser.
I don't know what, how that...
where the block party came from.
I had an existential crisis.
A crisis of existence.
It was, well, I was watching TV.
Listen, I'm cool.
I watch all the streamers,
but at night
I watch regular cable TV
because I must fall asleep
to Law and Order.
And, you know, that's on, like, USA
or ION Television
or MeTV or whatever.
And I just, I don't know what it is.
I can't fall asleep
unless it's to the dulcet tones
of softcore murder. But...
So I'm watching
and this commercial comes on.
It... it's for Cottonelle
Extra Clean...
which...
Thank you.
I wipe my pussy with it.
I'm sorry. All right.
Well, I do.
It is, as a sidebar
to this existential crisis story.
It is my brand, I will say.
I just... 'cause I like the ripples
and it really...
It doesn't break apart
into a thousand pieces in my...
I'm not trying to
make you all come. I need...
I need a strong toilet tissue
for my asshole and vagina.
And... or vagina and asshole,
I guess.
It's a front-to-back correction
for the ladies.
Wait.
No, but everyone, not the like...
Everyone wipes front to back, right?
Did you just say no? Oh, yes.
You know why
I wasn't thinking men is 'cause I...
I don't know where your front
starts, you know?
Like, I just...
But I'm the worst, though.
Like, I'm gonna be hon...
I don't know
where my pee comes out
of specifically, you know?
I only know it's at least
three places, but I...
Okay, back on track. The special.
Oh, existential crisis.
So this commercial comes on
and it's for Cottonelle Extra Clean.
And this is the commercial. It's...
There's a woman standing in
a field with a microphone
and then there's a row of outhouses
where I guess, I don't know,
people come from far and wide
to take shits? And it's the premise.
And as people come out,
she interviews them.
Okay, so a guy comes out
and she says, "How did it go?"
And he goes, "Good."
And then she goes,
"Do you feel clean?"
And he goes, "Yeah."
And then she says,
"By the way, what's this?"
There's a microphone right here.
What's this? I don't need to do that.
She...
So she says, "How did it go?"
He says, "Good."
She says, "Do you feel clean?"
He says, "Yes."
And then she says,
"Clean enough to go commando?"
This is when everything
I understood about life
just went kablooey because...
Do we wear underwear
to... to keep from getting shit
in our pants?
I...
I've never understood life
to be this way.
I... We're...
We're just ball parking it
and then...
pulling up a cotton shit shield.
Keep our chinos clean.
That's fucking disgusting.
I'm sorry. I do not leave a bathroom
unless I am clean two inches deep.
You're supposed to wipe
until it comes back clean.
Are you fucking kidding me?
No. For me, there must be blood. I...
Just a dot, you know?
It's... it's just like a stoplight.
Red means stop, you know?
Green means go, I guess.
To the hospital, I guess.
Hello? Hello?
I can get pretty low. When I'm...
When I come home I'm scared
and I walk around my house like this.
Hello?
Hello?
I look under my bed. Hello?
I look in the closet. Hello!
Hello!
I don't know what I'm going for.
It's like, it's not just
that I wanna sound like a man.
I wanna sound like a fucking lunatic.
Hello!
What do I think is gonna happen?
Like, murderers are gonna be like
"Let's get out of here.
This guy's crazy.
What is he, a life coach?"
Oh, oh, yeah.
It's called a callback, baby.
Oh, my God.
What happened?
Jesus Christ.
I know this is impossible,
but it feels like they switched.
I have a dog.
She's not gonna protect me
if murderers come over, you know?
She'll just lie on her back and
be like, "Rub my belly."
But, I don't know, in that way
I feel like she would protect me
because murderers would be like,
"Oh, what are we doing?"
Oh, I got the greatest road gig.
I got to go to Hawaii to do stand-up.
Like, I got paid
to go to fucking Hawaii.
And thank you, thank you.
So I go... I go to the hotel,
super fancy hotel
and I go to check in.
Oh, and the lady at the front desk
recognized me and she was like
"Oh, my God. I love you.
You are in my top four
all-time favorite comedians."
And I was like
"You know that I know
that means I'm fourth, right?" I'm...
I'm not walking away from this like,
"Maybe I'm second," you know?
No.
There's... there's no top four.
I should have just said thank you.
So I go put on my bathing suit.
I'm so excited.
I'm gonna go swimming in the pool.
Fancy schmancy hotel pool.
Cabanas, the whole thing.
And in the pool area, there is a sign
like a professionally made sign.
And it says, "If you have diarrhea...
or have had diarrhea
in the past two weeks
you are not permitted in our pool."
I mean, just say it,
"No Jews allowed." I...
That's a microaggression.
Right? Are there
any Jews here tonight?
Okay, keep it down. Just do this.
These are precarious times.
I've been so worried on this tour
because I'm in, like, every town.
And I feel like people, you know,
there might be someone going
"I wanna kill all the Jews in Boston.
But how will we get them all
into one room?"
Hello.
Real Lenny-Squiggy moment.
Who's... Who's Jewish?
Just real close.
You doll.
- What's your name, doll?
- Kim.
Kim.
- What did you say?
- Kim Epstein.
Oh, Kim Epstein.
No, don't let him have Epstein.
Think of Juan Epstein. Hey!
Signed Epstein's mother, huh?
This is your wife?
All right.
She took your name?
So...
Oh, what... what's the hyphen?
Now I forgot your first name.
Kim Martin-Epstein. Hello.
Can I... All right, Kim,
may I ask you a question as a Jew?
Okay.
Have you ever gone 14 days
with zero diarrhea?
Okay. That would be absurd. I know.
That would be considered
a miracle in our religion, right?
I mean, what's the big miracle?
Hanukkah.
You know what that miracle is?
A lamp worked.
Longer than expected.
This blows that out of the water.
We light this candle...
to celebrate...
Kim Martin-Epstein...
who, despite only having
enough Imodium AD for two nights...
lasted 14 nights.
And she was able to swim
at the Four Seasons pool.
Dayenu.
I don't know why people hate Jews
so much, you know?
I mean, I get a little, but so much?
There's barely any of us.
And Jews make up,
what, like, one-fifth
of 1% of the world.
Like, if you round down,
there are zero of us, so...
Fucking relax.
Jews will not replace you, Tyler.
We could barely replace ourselves.
I even asked Siri.
I go, "Hey, Siri...
how many Jews are in the world?"
And she said, "Too many."
I was like, "Siri!
Disable location."
Just to be safe.
Let's switch gears.
Hitler wrote a book.
Oh, snap.
I stayed on topic.
What's Hitler's book called?
- Mein Kampf.
- Mein Kampf.
Some of the non-Jews, I feel like,
answered that as well.
I just...
No, I keep it on mein nightstand.
What... what does Mein Kampf mean?
My struggle.
Don't yell at me about it.
That's what Mein Kampf means.
"My struggle."
That's what Hitler's book is called.
"My struggle."
That's what Mein Kampf means.
"My struggle."
Is there a more Jewish-sounding book
than actual Hitler's book?
Should I call this special
My Struggle?
Wouldn't that be funny?
I mean...
I should call it My Struggle.
Honestly, because
I feel like people would believe
that I would take myself
that seriously
to call my comedy special
Sarah Silverman: My Struggle.
But also because, like,
when it, you know, gets translated
for Germany, you know.
Some people
who would buy it would be
in for, like, a really big surprise.
I read something about Hitler
I couldn't believe.
I thought I knew everything
there was to know about Hitler
because, you know,
Jews are real Hitler heads.
We wanna know everything.
But I was Wikipedia-ing him
and because I had five minutes.
I never knew this.
Maybe you know this.
I never knew this. This is true.
Hitler, for years,
molested his niece.
I, yeah. Now he's really canceled.
Can you believe it?
I can.
He's probably like, "I don't know,
I killed six million Jews.
What, am I gonna not molest
my niece now?"
Yeah. That was the right response.
I just feel so...
Like, I... do this podcast,
and on it I'm so...
Thank you. And...
But I'm so earnest on it, you know?
And the past couple of years,
I've been so Jewy on it, you know?
Like, I... I'm godless.
Well, I'm a godless Jew.
People are like,
"How can you be a godless Jew?"
You can.
That's what's so great about it.
But I...
I... I've just been so Jewy on it.
And I think
because there's been so much...
such a rise in anti-Semitism
and it's like...
I don't know, it's like if you go,
"My mom's a bitch"
and your friend goes,
"Yeah, your mom's a fucking bitch"
and you're like,
"What did you say about my mom?"
But I... But then, you know,
my boyfriend goes
"Yeah. But then you do stand-up
and you're like
'Jews are gross.
Jews have diarrhea.'"
And I'm like, "Oh."
Try to justify it, like
maybe it's like I'm, like,
taking back the night kind of vibe.
But, no, I'm... I'm selling out
my culture for laughs.
I mean, if you think about it
what could be
more authentically Jewish?
But...
No. I'm sorry, I can't help it.
It makes me so much money.
Thank you. Well, not your problem.
This is my kampf to deal with
on mein time.
I feel like
I have relationship advice.
Really, for men.
Well, you know what?
For tops, I would say.
But how do I get into this? Like...
I have these friends.
They're a couple.
They're a heterosexual couple.
And I'm... I'm good friends
with both of them.
But, my God, the... the guy, just...
I watch him repeat the same pattern
over and over again
and it drives me insane.
How do I explain it?
Here, there's an example.
Like, she cut her arm.
She was like, "Aw, my arm."
He says, "You're okay."
Has that ever worked?
"Aw, my arm." "You're okay."
"Oh, my God. You know what?
I am okay. Thank you."
No.
She doesn't feel worried about.
There's no gesture of concern.
Now she has to double down.
"It fucking hurts!"
Is that what you were looking for,
Kevin?
Was that the reaction you wanted?
And yet he does it again and again.
He does this.
And I get it.
I know why he says "you're okay."
It's because he...
he very much wants her
to be okay, you know?
And also,
it's probably partly like...
You know how with toddlers?
Like, if a toddler falls down,
our reaction is like, "Oh."
You know,
because they look to us for a cue.
So we've gotta, like,
fucking pull our shit together
and act like they're fine.
I get that,
but women are not toddlers.
They're...
They're just like regular people.
You know?
They want to feel like
you are worried or you're...
Like, just like you do, you know?
Like, just some kind of, like...
Just triple the... the worry.
That's all he has to do.
And he'll go... he doesn't even have
to mean it, you know?
"Aw, my arm."
"Fuck, babe, are you okay?"
Now she feels cared for.
Now she is okay.
"Oh, it's all right.
It's just pain. What's up?"
You know, like, it's...
That's what you want.
He never learns.
Although I will say
my boyfriend has watched me do
this bit a few times now
and I swear to God,
he has been markedly more attentive.
So I guess my advice would be
start doing stand-up comedy.
Really hone it for years,
decades even.
Become one of the all-time greats.
Or...
Or, hey, you know,
somewhere in the top four.
And manipulate your loved ones
through observational comedy.
It's so funny how...
Language is always changing,
obviously.
We don't walk around saying "doth"
or whatever.
And a good example.
You know, now we get the pronouns
and everything.
Good. It's really not a big deal.
It's so funny to me
when people are like
"God with these pronouns."
You can fight it.
We're all gonna be saying it
like muscle memory
in five years, you know?
But they always fight it.
I'm so excited to call you "they,"
"them" or whatever the fuck.
And I fuck it up
a hundred percent of the time.
And I go, "Oh, God!"
And they're always like,
"Yeah, don't worry about it.
They just... just try."
They just want you to try.
That's all, a little effort.
It's like what they say
when you go to France, you know?
Just walk up to someone and be like,
"Where's the Eiffel Tower?" You know?
Or it's like, "Fuck you."
Just, you have to try,
that's all, you know?
They do all speak English,
but you have to go
"Yeah, parlez vous..."
"Oh, don't worry about it.
I speak English. What do you want?"
You know?
But I believe in us.
We learned Galifianakis
after just one Hangover movie.
And we can do this.
Then there's language
that we've just always known
since we were born.
And... and we don't think twice
about it, you know?
We don't question it at all.
I'm talking about balls.
You know, we...
I get it, you know, balls.
"Gosh, she's got balls up there,
you know?"
Or "Grow a pair of balls."
Or "He's got balls."
That's what we're using?
Balls? Really?
I mean, to mean guts or moxie
or nerve or courage or strength?
Ball... Human balls?
I... I'm sorry, I...
Is there anything more fragile
in the whole world?
Like...
Even a Faberge egg, you could, like,
kick down a step, you know?
Balls have to be
the exact right temperature.
Like... like they're more finicky
than the Moderna vaccine, you know?
Oh, my God, balls are so fragile.
Like, when you go in the ocean,
your balls are like, "Ew, I'm cold.
I've gotta get up close to the body."
That's what we're using for courage?
Bravery?
Oh, I'm hot. I've gotta get low.
Lower!
Let me just peek out your shorts
for one second.
I get it. Balls is fun, you know?
"Balls is fun?"
That can't be right.
No, it is. "Balls."
"Balls."
The... phrase. What is it?
Right. It seems like
it should be balls are fun.
Thank you, lesbian.
No, I get it. Grammar wise,
I go "balls" is fun to say.
But, like, "balls,"
the phrase, is fun.
Sorry, my mother was a grammar Nazi.
The worst kind of Nazi.
But listen, it doesn't offend me.
Yeah, I say balls. You've got balls.
But you know what I say now,
and it's so much more fun?
Grow a pair of lips.
It's so good.
That guy has got lips to say that.
Got fucking lips.
It's fun.
Even my boyfriend says it now,
and he's a toxic male.
But it just makes more sense too.
I'm not just trying to be like
the feminist version.
I mean, vaginas are so resilient.
You know, they...
they push out entire human beings
and then snap back,
like, maybe 60%.
But that's a lot.
It's just crazy. Balls are pussies.
Pussies are balls.
You know, when you hear about,
like, mindfulness, you know?
Mindfulness. Ooh, mindfulness.
Be mindful.
I feel like it gets a real eye roll.
Yeah, it sounds very, like,
coastal elite liberal tears-ish.
What the fuck is happening right now?
Hold on.
I'm gonna piece this together.
I know what happened.
He saw no way out. He had to pee.
And then he went over a railing.
And it seems like he wanted attention
but he didn't because I was like...
We're all looking at him
and he was just like...
I gave you a tucked ass, but I...
I have a juicier ass if I want it.
But I... I can slip a disk.
Mindfulness, yes,
can be very eye-rolly.
But the truth is, all it means is,
like, to be aware of something
and then act accordingly.
Mindfulness. It isn't a big deal.
It's like if you're going to a party
and your friend before you went said
"Listen, you might see Nancy there.
You should know her son passed away
a couple of years ago."
Mindfulness. Now you know not
to go up to Nancy and be like
"Nancy, how's your alive son?"
It's pretty simple, you know?
It's not a big deal.
Although I, oh, I...
One time I was...
I did a... a television pilot
with a producer
who's in a wheelchair.
He's been in a wheelchair
his whole life.
And after, well, after work one day,
we all went out to eat.
And we're laughing, talking.
People are talking about, like,
well, you know
what they're watching on TV,
whatever.
And all of a sudden,
I get this idea and I'm so excited.
And I look at him and I go,
"You know what you would love?"
And he said, "What?"
And I said, "Walking."
Yeah, I thought it was funny too.
I... You know? I...
He did not laugh.
My heart, it was...
Oh, I felt so bad.
And it was even worse too
because I...
When I thought of it, I got so giddy
and excited and I was like
"You know what you'd like?
Fucking asshole.
In my defense, I was not made aware
that he could not take a joke.
Oh, I have new porn.
I have a new, like,
porn genre I watch
different from my last special.
So I thought I should catch you up.
It's really...
I feel good about it
because it feels like a,
like a victimless crime, you know?
It's basically, like,
very verbally abusive
verbally dominant men having sex
with pocket pussies.
Now...
What is a pocket pussy?
Some of you may not know.
It's just what it sounds.
It's a... a disembodied vagina
that you can have sex with.
And it's... it's...
I guess in the...
What it is, is they...
take the pocket pussy...
It's very niche.
There's only a few of these videos
but they... they seem to,
like, wedge it
between their mattress
and their box spring.
And I don't know of this part of it,
but there always seems to be
maybe like a pile of laundry
in the background.
And then they...
they have sex with it.
And then the verbal part is
they're like
"Yeah, you whore. You want this.
You slut. You bitch."
And it just does it for me.
I don't know why. I...
I would not want this in real life.
Oh, my gosh. Look at you.
There is a grown man like this...
It was so cute. Oh, my gosh.
It's also just when they do it,
it... does it for me.
But it also, and I know...
They're so, like,
verbally abusive and...
But it's also just very vulnerable
because, you know, like, there's...
There isn't a person there.
I don't know. Look, are...
are men who filmed themselves
having sex
with a pocket pussy creeps?
Sure. Yes.
But what does that make
that nice lady
who's watching them?
I'll tell you, a hero.
I just feel like, too,
if I had a penis
I feel like
I would love a pocket pussy.
Just from the sound.
Like, it sounds like...
I can't do it.
I didn't know, it's suctiony.
What else is in the news?
Right?
God, my... my biggest fear,
my all-time number one fear
is getting dementia
and masturbating in public and...
Terrified.
Terrified of this.
And it's really ruined my life.
Because even when I go to do
what's perfectly natural
in my own bedroom,
under my own covers with my phone
which is masturbate...
to that.
I can't even come to fruition anymore
without suddenly feeling like
"Oh, my God.
Am I doing this
at my grandson's Bar Mitzvah?
Like, you know.
Bet you never thought of that one.
Anyway, now you will. I...
You know,
I was thinking about this today
and I have a...
a very strong moral compass.
I was just thinking about this today.
Very strong moral compass.
And then I realized
that you can't say "moral compass"
without "come" and "piss."
And I was so excited, you know?
And... and then I realized
that you can't say "moral compass"
without "oral cum piss."
And I was so jazzed.
And then I realized that
you can't say "moral compass"
without "mmm oral come piss."
And I was so excited.
I was like, "That's me."
Thank you, Boston!
I got something to tell you
But I don't want to tell you
But your breath smells like the shit
Of a really sick dog
I got something to tell you
But you won't like it
Fine, I'll tell you
But your breath smells like
A stomach ache feels
Also, when we're in a quiet car
And you bite into an apple
The sound of your chewing
Makes me wanna fucking die
Oh, and one more thing
Well, actually, two little things
And they are in the corners
Of your gross mouth
Go like this
And then flick
And then boil your hand
Your breath smells like
An everything bagel
But the everything
On that bagel
Isn't seeds
It's not seeds
It's human shit
I've got something to tell you
But you won't like it
Fine, I'll tell you
But your breath smells like
A stomach ache feels
Translator: IYUNO