Stephen Merchant: Hello Ladies... Live! (2011) Movie Script

'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
to the stage Stephen Merchant!'
- (Cheering and applause)
- (Music playing)
This is it! Here we are!
- (Music playing)
- (Crowd cheering)
- (Music stops)
- This is it!
Don't... What are you... Don't stop
just 'cause the music's stopped!
This is the moment! Goodness me!
No, now you're...now it's too much.
Now it's too... It seems phony now.
- (Man) Whoo!
- Yeah, course you're excited.
You couldn't believe how funky it was,
could you, mate? Put it there, player.
Course you are, yeah.
You've just got no idea.
What's that? Someone trying to take
a picture? Course you bloody are.
Here we are. Right, there you are.
Well, you want a record of this moment,
don't you? Course you bloody do.
Just the one photograph? No, there's
one more up there. So, just two people.
Three. Four. Good. OK, yes.
Wait a minute. You want something
different, each one of you?
Yeah.
Yeah? Got everything you need?
All right, good.
All right, here we go. Comedy.
Right. What shall we talk about?
It's not your responsibility. I should have
thought of something before I came out.
Don't feel bad, don't feel bad. Don't
worry. Not your job. it's not your job.
Don't... No, don't... That's it, don't
worry, don't worry. All right, comedy.
Oh! It looks easy on the telly,
doesn't it? Um...
Comedy, comedy, comedy.
Right. Now, then, OK. All right.
So, why am I doing stand-up comedy?
All right, let me explain.
Couple of reasons.
First reason I'm doing stand-up comedy
is that any money I make
I don't have to share with you know who.
So, that's... Exactly, yeah.
Er...
So, er...Let's hope it goes well.
Um...and the main thing I'm going
to be taking about this evening,
the reason I'm doing
stand-up comedy is,
I'm gonna be taking a lot
about my search for a wife.
- (Mild cheering)
- Yeah, no, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill.
Um...this is the problem,
just to make it clear.
No, there's a couple of honeys.
You can hear them already.
Er...checking me out.
Um...and I'm interested... I'm looking
for a wife, not a groupie, all right?
No, 'cause I've...
I'll tell you what's happened.
I've dabbled with groupies in the past,
and it started fine,
and then very quickly descended
into lots of late-night phone calls.
You know. "Call me or I'll cut myself."
You know, and she did not
want to hear that, you know?
It was a downer, she said. "It was
a bit of a downer, Steve, that call."
So, um...
So, I'm gonna be taking a lot about
my search for a wife, which, um...
er...it's not gone great,
it's not gone well.
Um...if it had, I wouldn't be here tonight.
Course I wouldn't.
Um...for those of you that don't know
who I am, by the way... Huh! As if!
No, there's always a few. There's
always some. You'd be surprised.
What I've done is I've brought
a couple of my cuttings along.
This first one I'm gonna show you
is my first ever appearance
in a national newspaper.
All right? I was very excited.
Because we did a TV show
and we won an award in the States.
We went to the Golden Globe Awards.
Anyone here been
to the Golden Globes?
(High-pitched) No?
Oh, that's strange. No, no, no, no.
It doesn't matter.
Anyway, let me explain.
What it is, it's a very glamorous
awards do in America,
and it's the only one
where they have the TV people
and the movie people there.
So, I walked in and it was like there was
Tom Cruise, there was Clint Eastwood.
There was, you know, Anthony Hopkins.
It was one of those places where you
thought, "If they drop a bomb now,
"we're gonna lose
the world's greatest movie stars
"and Matthew McConaughey."
It was really extraordinary.
So, here's my first-ever appearance
in a national newspaper.
Very proud of it. Very, very proud of it.
Um...I've got a minor quibble.
It's... I'm almost loathe...
You won't even notice it. You won't
even notice it. Just a minor...quibble.
It's me at the back...
...there, um...
To be fair to the photographer,
to be fair to the photographer,
he had barely seconds to decide
whether to include the top of my head
or the top of those bald bastards'
heads down there! He went with them!
That's who he went with.
That's what people...that's what
people want to see over breakfast.
Um...before we move on, just to explain,
the current Steve height
is six foot seven.
- (A few cheers)
- Six foot seven, yeah.
Well, no, careful. No, hang on.
Because you presume that
it's a very glamorous height.
Six foot seven, of course, the same
height as Peter Crouch the footballer.
Although unlike Crouchy, you won't
be opening a Sunday newspaper
and reading an interview with a
prostitute, "I slept with Steve Merchant."
All right? I have slept with one.
She doesn't want anyone to know. It's
annoying. It's annoying, if I'm honest.
It pissed me off,
because she said I was tremendous
and she would know
because she's a professional.
Um...yeah, she'd have no reason to lie.
I said to her, I said, you know, "Sell
your story. We could split the money."
And my parents'll be flipping through it.
"Oh, Elaine! Turns out he's not gay."
You know, win-win for everyone.
But, er...you can't...
you can't reason with a crack whore.
Um...am I right, sir? He knows,
he knows, he knows, he knows.
So, er...six foot seven,
current Steve height.
And, um...you know, some people think,
"Well, it'd be great to be that tall",
because, you know,
tall is considered generally good.
But it's very weird, six foot seven,
'cause on the one hand it makes you
a little bit cocky, a little bit arrogant,
and on the other hand,
a bit self-conscious, a bit awkward.
Um...so, the cocky version,
like, let me just, as an example,
um...bee-bee-bee-bee...sir, what do you
do for a living? Do you mind me asking?
You kept your head down
but it didn't work, did it?
- Scientist.
- You're a scientist?
(Crowd) Ooh!
All right. Yeah.
- And...and how tall are you, sir?
- Er...five ten.
Five ten? Scientist five ten.
Now, this is
the arrogant part of my brain
thinking, you know,
I could spend a day sort of as him.
Do you know what I mean?
I could just go about...
What shall we do? Stick an ear to a goat
or something? Whatever, yeah.
Well, we've got a grant.
Who gives a fuck? Yeah.
It's pretty much
how your day pans out, isn't it?
Something like that.
Do you know what I mean?
Whereas it'd be much harder for you
to spend the day as me, wouldn't it?
You'd need the built-up shoes
and the awards and stuff like that.
It'd be tricky. No, it'd be tricky!
I'm not gonna go,
"Do you know, I've just..."
That's the arrogant part of your brain
thinking, you know, "Oh..."
'Cause I've been... You know,
everyone in this room, I don't know.
Unless there's anyone
who's taller than 6 foot 7. Is there?
No? Then that means I've been...I've
been all of your heights at some point.
It's quite a sort of cocky arrogant thing.
But on the other hand, it's too big,
six foot seven. It's too big.
You don't need to be this tall. I was
always very self-conscious, growing up.
I always wanted to seem smaller,
growing up.
Like when I was a teenager
I just spent a lot of time just leaning.
Oh, yeah. Or just spending as much
time as possible in the distance.
Oi! How's it going? No, stay there,
stay there. It's fine, stay there.
Nothing's made for you
when you're six foot seven.
Um...most...most beds,
for instance, are six foot four.
So, Steve's feet are off the end there.
Most door frames are...
most door frames are six foot six.
So, if I was stood behind a door
that...it'd be like that.
That's pretty much what you'd see.
Just one reason why
I'm not a Jehovah's Witness.
'Cause that'd be weird, wouldn't it?
That coming to the door.
Bing-bong! Hiya!
Could I talk to you about God at all?
I...I've brought some pamphlets
if you're interested.
I...
Could I step inside your home
for a second? Thanks very much indeed.
You...you've got everything you need?
You're fine? All right, cheers.
I've got to...I've got to sort of stoop
as I go through doors.
My doctor said to me, er...my doctor
said, "Be careful with stooping,
"because you can get curvature
of the spine if you do it a lot."
And he said to me, "What you should do
when you walk through a door
"is bend at the knee."
(Humming tune)
Makes it very difficult
to storm out of a room.
You can stick this job up your arse,
all right?
I may not have any income.
At least I got my dignity.
(Humming tune)
It's a nightmare.
Six foot seven's too big.
Like I'm on airplanes, particularly
those sort of short-haul flights.
You know, where there's...there's
no extra leg room if you want it.
You know, even if you want
sort of business class.
So, I've got to sort of cram myself into
the regular seat, you know, wedge in.
Oh, God! The stewardess comes over.
"Why are you in the crash position?"
"I'm not in the crash position!"
Can't sort of get the...the tray
down flat 'cause of my knees.
So, I've got to sort of...I've got to
sort of eat my meal from the aisle.
Go past. No, it's fine, go past. Go past.
Occasionally if I'm very lucky, if I get...
if I get to the airport, you know,
three days in advance, camp out,
then I can get the, er...
emergency exit aisle.
This is... But this has got
its own problems.
I don't know if you've ever
had the emergency exit aisle
but what you don't realise if you don't
have it is you do get the extra leg room
but there's a whole bunch
of other responsibilities.
So, when you sit in the emergency exit,
the stewardess comes over
and she says, "Sir, just to let you know,
in the event of a crash landing,
"it's your responsibility to have
consulted the information booklet
"and if we do crash-land,
you've got to open the door
"and help other passengers off."
What? How does she imagine
that's gonna play out?
Oh, my God! No!
Oh, for the love of God, no!
Mother!
Right, Let's get this door open. Ah.
Thanks for flying with us. Thanks very
much indeed. Thanks very much indeed.
Thank you. Thanks very much.
Mind the, er...pool of piss
and shit and vomit there.
Er...that was me. That was my fault.
I, er... When the wing snapped off,
it just, "Boom!"
There. Both ends, both ends.
Please fly with BA again.
Thank you very much.
So, er...awkward. Self-conscious in
other ways. Not just 'cause of the height.
Awkward. Felt very self-conscious
because I was accused of being a geek.
I know this comes as a huge shock.
I remember I didn't know what that word
was. Didn't know what that word meant.
And I remember a girl at school said,
"Steve, you're a bit of a geek",
and I sort of...I asked her, "What
does that mean?" and she explained.
And I remember saying,
"Sorry, how am I a geek?
"I'm the only person in this school
who's got a Blue Peter badge."
But, you know, you can't impress girls
with a Blue Peter badge.
Mr Scientist, is that your lovely
lady there? Yeah, it is, yeah.
You wouldn't try and impress her
with a Blue Peter badge.
She wouldn't be impressed by a Blue
Peter badge. Course she wouldn't.
Course she wouldn't, course
she wouldn't. What, like that one?
Soak it in, soak it in.
That's the real deal, all right?
Careful, mate, 'cause she... I can see
her eyeing it up. She's only human.
You might be able
to pleasure her sexually
but can you get her into a new
shire-horse centre free of charge?
I think not.
You might know where the clitoris is.
What about the fetlock?
Just above the hoof. See you later.
The Blue Peter badge.
Probably checking that out as well.
The Casio calculator watch.
Still rocking it. Nothing wrong with that.
Still got it going on.
A lot of the young people are going,
"What the hell is that?"
Very much the iPod of its day.
Yes. Not because I was a fan... I had
this not because I was a fan of maths.
'Cause I was terrible at maths.
Hopeless at maths. Had no idea.
All I ever seemed to do in maths
was Venn diagrams.
Constant Venn diagrams. Non...
I've never needed
a Venn diagram. Never...
Don't even know what situation I'd be in
where I'd need a Venn diagram.
No one's ever come up to me in the
street, "I don't know if you can help.
"Steve. Oi!
Come here, mate, come here.
"Oh, bloody hell, mate, what's...
Oh, Christ.
"Um...oh, I don't know if you can help.
"Um...there's 30 people.
"Six of 'em love oranges.
"But 40 of 'em, they love...
they love apples, Steve, they love...
"And ten of 'em love both equally."
"I've got to express this in some
kind of diagram for some reason.
"Don't go, don't go, Steve. Don't go.
"Can you help?"
"What, a Venn diagram?"
"Yeah, thanks, mate, thanks. But I've
got other problems. I got a nightmare.
"I got a load of problems today, mate.
Um...oh, fucking hell, mate."
(Sighs) "Um...
"I've got a triangle,
and I know the length of two sides.
"But I need to know the length of
the third side. I measured the other two."
"Why didn't you measure the third one
at the same time?" "I didn't have time!"
"I... Sorry, mate. Sorry, mate.
I'm sorry. You're trying to help. Sorry."
"We can use Pythagoras." "Pythagoras.
Course I can. Thanks, mate, thanks.
"Steve, whoa. Steve, before you go,
mate, before you go, um...
"There's two people, Jane and John,
and they're both travelling to London.
"But she's coming from Bristol.
He's coming from Birmingham, mate.
"And she's coming at 200 miles an hour,
he's coming at 1 00 miles an hour,
"but given the distance, who's gonna..."
"Oh, fuck off!"
You know John Venn, right? John Venn
the creator of the Venn diagram.
He created that in 1 880, OK?
Tells us this, firstly, that mankind coped
fine from the beginnings of civilisation
without the Venn diagram.
But also how cocky was John Venn
that he was calling it the Venn diagram?
It's not Einstein's theory of relativity.
Him swaggering around
Victorian London, walking in bars.
Oi, oi! It's the Venerator! Oh, yes!
Ladies! Who wants to suck my cock?
Who wants to lick my balls?
Who wants to suck my cock
and lick my balls?
Let me make a note. Hang on.
So, a bit self-conscious growing up,
bit awkward, bit nerdy.
That was why I thought,
"Yeah, get yourself on the telly,
"or get yourself in the papers,
and that'll be a licence to print babes."
You know what I mean? All the usual
rigmarole, you won't have to go through.
You can just... You know, women'll flock.
So, you can imagine how excited I was
when I got my first ever interview
in a national newspaper.
Very excited about that.
It was in The Guardian and they used to
do a section called Home Entertainment
where you talked about your favourite
music, we talked about the Smiths.
Oh, yeah, I had to do it with his nibs,
but that's fine, that's fine.
Not a problem. No, not a problem.
Very proud of my first ever interview.
A minor quibble, if I'm honest.
A minor, almost imperceptible niggle.
Um...it was an interview with, er...
Ricky Gervais and Stephen Mitchell!
I mean, I met the journalist.
I shook his hand.
He made a note of my name
in his notebook.
He got back to the office,
he thought, "Hang on a minute.
"Who was that bloke I interviewed
earlier with Ricky Gervais?
"I need it for this story I'm writing.
Oh, I'll just check my notebook.
"No, I won't bother. I'll have a guess."
Don't worry, though. Lovely write-up.
I get a quote.
"It doesn't matter what you do either,"
adds Mitchell.
It's all the way through.
If you're wondering. Doesn't matter...
It's a lovely write-up, other than that.
"Doesn't matter what you do either,"
adds Mitchell,
whose towering stature
and wide-mouthed grin
makes him look
like an elongated Cheshire cat.
I know what you're thinking.
You're saying, "Steve,
why are you stressing about it?
"Why are you still worrying about it
all these years later?
"Why are you still
bringing it out for a DVD
"and, you know,
making this guy look like a fool?
"Because why concern yourself?
"Because about a year later
"you got yourself a mention
in one of the gossip columns."
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Admittedly it was the Daily Mail. So,
not the most glamorous but still counts.
I hear that six-foot-seven Merchant
had been attracting
a great deal of female attention
at the Princess Alexandra
watering hole in North London.
Oh!
I know what you're thinking. "Where
is this going, Steve? You old dog."
He took to the dance floor.
Of course he fucking did.
(Humming tune)
Ow!
Picture the scene. He's on
the dance floor, surrounded by babes.
Says my mole, "Most of the feminine
throng looked away in embarrassment.
"Putting it kindly, he was rather ungainly,
like a giant albatross hopping on stilts."
In what way is that putting it kindly?
Putting it kindly in the Daily Mail
would be, "Well, his dancing wasn't great
"but it did take my mind
off my fear of immigrants."
I wasn't even attracting
a great deal of female attention.
I don't know where they got that from.
They made that up.
I wasn't attracting
a great deal of female attention.
If I'd been attracting
a great deal of female attention,
I'd have phoned the Daily Mail myself.
I'd have affected an accent, like an Irish
accent or something so it's not obvious.
(Irish accent) Hello there!
I'm... Is that the Daily Mail? So it is!
I'm just in an...
I'm just in a North London pub, so I am.
(Normal accent)
No, it's not a bomb warning.
So, I thought... This was the thing,
this was the mistake I made.
I thought, "Get yourself on the telly,
get yourself in the paper,
"and you will start attracting, you know,
a great deal of female attention.
That's just the way it works, you know.
And, um...don't...don't be fooled. Don't
be fooled, if that's what you're thinking.
Don't be fooled,
if you think that's the way it works.
Let me give you an example, all right?
I was down in, er...Trafalgar Square
for New Year.
OK? And you know
what it's like down there.
Either you've been down there yourself
or you've seen it on TV.
Big sea of people. Ocean of people
down there, isn't there, you know?
Crazy load of people.
And I'm down there, you know.
And it's about five to midnight,
New Year.
I'm just sort of checking out the scene
and I see this attractive woman
looking at me, OK?
I'm thinking, "Here we go.
"Ding-dong. Happy New Year."
I'm with some mates. I'm like,
"Give Steve a little bit of room.
"She's clocked me on the telly, yeah?"
She's coming over, she's coming over.
She made her way across, right,
towards me, through the crowd.
She comes up to me.
She says, "Er...excuse me,
"are you gonna be here for a while?"
I said, "Er...yes, I am."
She said, "Great,
"because my friends and I have
arranged to meet back at you."
In Trafalgar Square, where there's
no other obvious landmarks.
Swear to God, about quarter
past midnight, with my friend Chris,
we see some other friends,
we move over to see them.
About 1 5 people just took steps...
three steps that way like that.
I move, they move.
By half past midnight there was a drunk
bloke leaning against me having a piss.
Uh!
Two students climb up,
put a cone on my head. "Fuck off!"
(Snorts) So, yeah,
it's not proven as easy as I'd thought,
the...the being on the telly thing.
So, I'm still out there looking for a wife.
Are there any married folk here
this evening? Any married folk?
- (Whooping)
- Yeah, married folk there. Yeah, yeah.
Er...do you mind me asking
how long you've been married?
- One and a half weeks.
- One and a half weeks!
No, don't clap, don't clap. We're
not American. We're not American.
One and a half weeks?
That is amazing.
And do you mind me
asking how you met?
You can't remember how you met?
My friend introduced us by accident.
A friend introduced you by accident?
I'm interested.
- Go on.
- She was my best female friend.
- So, you had a female friend.
- Yeah.
- She knew this lady.
- That's right.
- Right. She accidentally introduced her?
- Yeah, she didn't mean to.
Right, she was supposed
to direct you to the toilet,
but she said
"You might want to shag her. Sorry.
"I don't know what I was thinking. Sorry."
No, no, we were at the gym.
You were at the gym! Of course
you were. You were working out.
I don't know what movement this is.
I've never been to the gym.
I don't know what this is.
Is that a gym action? Is that anything?
Ha-ha! That's controlling
your own feet at the gym.
Yeah, yeah. So, you're at the gym,
you're working out.
Course you bloody are, mate.
Pumping some iron.
You weren't working out. You were
just prowling around looking for women.
That's what you were doing.
Of course you were. Yeah.
So, you were there, and your friend...
You saw your female friend, yeah?
She said, "What are you doing
in the changing rooms?" Yeah.
So, you saw your female friend,
and what happened?
Well, we were waiting
for a body-pump class.
You were waiting
for a body-pump class?
This gets more and more bizarre.
What...now, what's a body-pump class?
- Is that... Yeah?
- It's more backward.
Is it to give you some extra...
Sure, OK, yeah. So, you're working out.
You're working the groinal area.
- Course you are, yeah.
- Anyway, Tanya turns up.
Tanya shows up. She needs to do
some body-pumping. Yeah.
"He looks nice in his tracksuit."
She said you look nice in your tracksuit?
I mean, you can't see him
but I find that hard to believe.
He's in a tracksuit, sweating, doing this.
She thought, "I could get
on the end of that, yeah."
(Snorts) And, er...and so how...
I still don't understand how your friend
accidentally introduced you, though.
Well, because I was meeting her and...
You were meeting the friend and...
Oh, I see, and Tanya showed up there.
And it was just, "Buh-buh-buh-buh."
And she never thought you'd fancy him.
She didn't know you at all. She didn't
know how low your standards were.
Isn't that wonderful? Isn't that beautiful?
Isn't that romantic? That's lovely.
That's a beautiful story,
and, um...that's...
Anyone with
a more interesting meeting story?
Nothing wrong with that one,
but we have had some amazing stories.
I had one woman who said
she met her husband...
(Snorts) She said that, um...she met him
because he was her gynaecologist.
I know. That's what I thought.
I mean, when...at what point do you
ask her out if you're the gynaecologist?
Is it true? I mean, is it any...
is it any time during the exam?
That all seems to be fine.
I likes what I sees! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha. Want to get a cup of tea or...
Wow. And so you, er...
you've been married...
- Ten days.
- Ten days. And how did you propose?
At the Ritz.
At the Ritz, player!
Course you did, yeah.
Tracksuit on, reliving the old memories.
Wa-hey!
Why not? Why not? At the Ritz? Classy.
How much did the wedding cost?
No, it's important to know.
It's important to know this.
- Ten grand.
- Ten grand? You got it cheap.
Ten grand it cost, his wedding.
He got it cheap.
No, I tell you why,
'cause I looked this up, right?
The average wedding in the UK
costs ?20,000.
20 grand. Now, I won't be spending that
on a wedding. Just to let you know.
In case there's any honeys out there
who think, "I wouldn't mind
a piece of Steve."
I won't be spending 20,000...
I looked that up, right?
For 20 grand, you could feed an entire
Third World village, right, of 800 people
for a year.
I'm not gonna do that either, obviously.
Be mental, be mental. Be madness. No.
Puts it in perspective, though.
And something else I won't be having.
I don't know if you had this
at your wedding.
That bit where the vicar midway
through stands up and he goes,
"If there's any reason why these two
people shouldn't be joined in matrimony,
"can they speak now
or forever hold your peace."
But why's this happening
during the ceremony?
If I get married, this question's
going out with the invitations.
If you've got any reason why
Steve shouldn't be getting married,
could you mention it now, before
he spunks 20 grand up the wall?
And is anyone waiting
until the day itself?
What kind of person gets an invitation
and thinks, "They shouldn't be
getting married"?
"I won't say anything now, though.
"I'll wait till the special day."
Pops it in the diary. RSVP.
"See, I'm coming."
Waits for it to come round.
Pops his suit on.
Gift under one arm. Dossier
of information under the other.
Strolls off down the church. Mingles.
"Hello, mate. How's it going? All right?
"Terry, you old bastard,
you've lost weight.
"What, that one?
That's an espresso machine.
"That one? Wait and see. Ha-ha-ha!"
Waits all the way through the ceremony.
(Humming tune)
Don't she look beautiful? She looks
beautiful. Yeah, she does, yeah.
Oh, he looks handsome.
He looks handsome.
Yeah, sorry. Go by. Sorry, yeah.
Waits for that moment, "Speak now
or forever hold your peace."
"Yeah! lf I could just mention something.
"Um...well, let me explain.
The groom is also shagging her and her.
"And, er...the bride
is shagging him and him.
"But he's also shagging her and she's
shagging... It's quite complicated.
"I've put it in this Venn diagram for you."
And why is there a time frame?
Why is it, "Speak now
or forever hold your peace"?
What if you get information
but you get to the church a bit late?
"Vicar, vicar! We've got to
call the wedding off, mate.
"I just found out
the groom's a paedophile."
"Oh! That's...
"Oh, that's annoying.
I wish you'd got here earlier.
"I...I gave you a window of opportunity
for that, actually,
"but that gap's closed now."
"What? But the groom's...
the groom's a paedophile."
"Well, he might be a paedophile, but
he's a paedophile who was on time."
(Laughing)
"So, Vicar, what am I supposed to do?"
"You're gonna have to forever hold
your peace on this one, if I'm honest."
"How can I spend the rest of my life
knowing someone's a paedophile
"and not say anything?"
"Er...the Pope does it. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
"Ha-ha-ha!"
Wouldn't like to be the Pope
when he sees this DVD.
Bloody hell. Slammed. Um...
20 grand, though. That's mental.
And the reason I'm not willing
to pay that is because...
And it's not because I'm stingy.
This is an accusation I've had in
the past, that I'm stingy with money. No.
Sensible with money.
Very different. Very different thing.
All right, see if you think this is stingy,
right, ladies?
I was on a...went on a date with a girl
and we went to the cinema.
Classy, right? And she went over to
the popcorn stall to get some popcorn.
And I said, "Buh-buh-buh-buh!" I said,
"No, no, no, no. Don't, don't buy it."
Just led her to one side like that, right?
Opened my jacket.
Hello, Uncle Steve.
Sorry, she wasn't a relative. I don't know
why I said that. Sorry, that's a bit weird.
Kind of seemed conspiratorial.
"Hello, Uncle Steve. What's this?"
In my jacket lovely bag
of Butterkist popcorn
that I'd bought at the Costcutter
on the way there, right?
She said that was stingy, ladies.
Would you say that was stingy?
- (Women) Yeah.
- Yes? How is that stingy?
In the cinema, popcorn ?3.50.
I charged her two quid!
I almost made a loss.
And it annoys me that she even
wanted popcorn in the cinema.
This is something you should know,
if there's any ladies here thinking,
"I wouldn't mind marrying Steve",
um...there'll be no popcorn-eating
in the cinema.
This is a new rule.
This is a Steve rule now.
Drives me mad. Some of the noisiest
food known to man, popcorn.
They're serving nachos in the cinema
now. When's it gonna stop?
Yeah, give me some popcorn,
give me some nachos,
um...a couple of Granny Smiths,
er...some walnuts,
and, er...some Rice Krispies.
I mean, it's mental!
You don't get this at other art forms.
You don't go to a piano recital
and there's some twat frying up
some bacon at the side of the stage.
Honestly, there's people
with vats of Cokes...
(Slurping) ...they're slurping on.
Chowing down. Mm!
It's like they've come out to eat
and if a film happens to be showing,
they'll watch it.
There's like a trough at the front
of the screen. "Mm! Mm! Yum!
"What's this? Avatar?
Blue people? Mm!"
Eat before you come out.
Tell you where I noticed it.
Tell you where I noticed it first.
Which really appalled me, disgusted me.
I went to see that film.
Years ago this was. Philadelphia.
Remember that film Philadelphia?
Powerful film.
And I was watching that film, right?
If you've not seen it,
it's about Tom Hanks, right?
He plays a guy who gets AIDS and
he gets fired from his company, right,
'cause he's gay and he's got AIDS
and they sort of dispose of him,
and he has to sort of battle them
while battling with the illness, right?
Now, I was watching that, right,
and there was a bloke eating popcorn.
And I remember thinking,
"No, this is not appropriate."
This is based on a true-life story.
If the bloke whose life story this is
was a mate of yours, right,
and he was telling you
about these events,
you wouldn't be eating popcorn,
would you?
"Dave, I've got a bit of, um...I've got
some pretty heavy news, actually.
"Um...firstly, I should...
I should tell you I'm gay."
(Sighs) "And, um...I've got AIDS."
"Go on, yeah."
"Well, um...
"It's, er...it's quite serious 'cause
I've been fired from work and unfairly
"and now I've got to take them
through the courts,
"but obviously I'm competing with
the disease and there's no current cure."
(Clears throat) "So, I will...
ultimately, I will pass away."
"Anything in there?
"Oh! Huh! Bummer.
"The situation, not you. Sorry."
It's not appropriate.
Eat before you come out,
people, please.
See if you think this is stingy,
ladies, all right?
You're on a date with someone, all right?
But there's a bunch of their friends there,
right? And you've never met her before.
You're just having a little bit of pasta,
'cause it's been quite an expensive
week, you're trying to cut down on costs.
Some chump there,
you've never met him before,
he's having three courses, right?
End of the meal, the bill comes.
This bloke just goes,
"Let's just split the bill!"
No, Let's not split the bill!
Let's get the bill over. Let's work out
exactly how much each one of us owes.
All right? Easily done.
Split the bill!
I sometimes wonder if that's the reason
that Jesus was betrayed by Judas
after the last supper.
'Cause of the old "split the bill" thing.
'Cause it's normally quite a cheap
night out, isn't it? With Jesus, normally.
The 1 2 disciples are there and
the big man. You know, go for a meal.
The wine waiter comes over.
"Any wine for the table?"
Jesus is like, "No, just bring us
a couple of bottles of water."
The disciples know what's coming.
They're high-fiving. "Here we go.
"Here we go."
So, obviously, it's the Last Supper
so Jesus is going crazy, obviously,
having a massive blowout
like the end of a holiday, you know,
surf and turf, the whole thing.
Then he's whinging on,
"After tonight, one of you'll betray me
for 30 pieces of silver."
Judas looking at the bill, thinking,
"We're gonna need to! Look at this!
"Who had the scallops? This is mental!"
Jesus like this, "Just split the bill."
All the other disciples are agreeing,
"Yeah", just sucking up to the big man,
"Let's just split the bill, Jesus, yeah",
particularly Matthew, Mark, Luke
and John, who are feeling a bit flush,
'cause they've just signed
a lucrative book deal.
Not stingy. 20 grand. I met...
I thought I'd met the perfect woman.
I thought I'd met the woman of my
dreams at a wedding, funnily enough.
I was at this wedding,
and we was on this table, right,
and there was a woman
sat opposite, right, a beautiful woman,
and we got sort of...there was
a connection straightaway, right?
And you know when you meet someone
and you're sort of...everything connects,
like she was into films, I'm into films,
er...she loves music, I love music,
er...she's got a glass eye,
I like to roll stuff, you know.
(Tuts) Um...no,
she didn't have a glass eye,
but there was a vibe,
there was a connection, right?
So, I'm trying to get this sort of...
this conversation going, but I can't,
because there's this couple on the table
with us, Olly and Lisa, right?
And they've got this toddler just sat next
to me, you know, just in a high chair.
(Grunting)
He's not wanking.
Sorry, that wasn't... Sorry.
Wasn't clear.
Um...so this kid's there, he's just
hammering with spoons and things,
and just generally making a racket,
and there's this couple there
and Lisa the mother...
Never met someone so boring.
Honestly.
Have you ever met
someone who's so dull
that when they turn away from you,
you can't remember what they look like?
Do you know what I mean?
They turn, they go...walk
to the bathroom or something
and you're like, "I've got no idea...
"If I had to describe her now
I've got no idea. I...
"What colour...
Did she have hair? I..."
And she's wittering on about nothing,
you know.
She's telling these stories.
Here's one for you. Here's a funny story.
"I, er...went out to the supermarket
the other night, did a shop,
"got back to the checkout, and, um...
I'd forgot my bloody purse.
"It was at home.
So, I had to go home and get it.
"And it was all fine."
Anyway, that was one of the stories.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that was one of 'em. Yeah.
There's a part of my brain
that sort of acts as a filter.
If stuff like that's making...if stuff like
that's making its way out of my brain,
another part of my brain sort of steps
in, "Hey! Where are you going, mate?
"No, you can't go out there.
No, this is an event, this is a party."
Not her brain, her brain, no.
Her brain going, "Are you the story
where nothing happens at all?
"Get out there. Have a good one.
Off you go, enjoy. What are you?"
"I'm 20 minutes of bullshit about how
hard it is to get a kid into a school."
"Oh! Brilliant, dynamite! Off you go."
So, she's wittering on, right?
Her husband Olly pipes up.
Quite posh.
He just points at me like that.
He says, "Um...do I recognise you from
somewhere?" I thought, "Here we go."
'Cause I thought, "This is like a way
to show off to this girl that I fancy.
I said, "Well, possibly.
I wrote a sitcom called The Office."
He went, "Office.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um...oh...can I be honest?
"Not my cup of tea."
Fair enough. Everyone's
allowed to have their opinion.
I said, "Oh, well, you know, OK."
He wouldn't let it lie. Just kept going.
"Tell you where you're going wrong
with The Office."
Interesting. Hear him out, hear him out.
"Tell you where you're going wrong
with The Office. Not much story."
I'm thinking, "Yeah,
'cause you know about fucking stories
"'cause you're married
to bloody Charles Dickens here."
But you don't say anything 'cause it's
the wedding. So, you don't say anything.
So, he won't let it lie.
He just keeps going.
He went, "Did I see you interviewed
once on the Six O'clock News?
"Were you interviewed on the Six
O'clock News for writing a sitcom?
"Seems a bit much, interviewed on the
Six O'clock News for writing a sitcom.
"Seems a bit much, mate."
Now, you know
when you say something,
and you intend it to be amusing
but it comes out mean?
Well, I said to him, "Well, at least
I've been on the Six O'Clock News.
"The only way you're gonna get
on the Six O'Clock News
"is if her body's found in a bin."
Bit much at a wedding, if I'm honest.
Bit much. Bit much at a wedding.
But that's not the reason
why I blew it with this...
with this woman that was
the woman of my dreams, right?
What I didn't realise was that
she was the godmother of this kid.
(Grunting) You remember him? I didn't
realise that she was the godmother.
I didn't realise that she had
any connection, and this kid's there.
And later we're having soup, right?
For no reason
this kid just takes his shoe off.
Just lobs it in the air, right?
It flies up in the air, it comes flying
down, lands in my soup, "Pssh!"
All over me like that.
No one else is touched.
Nothing on anyone else, just me.
Soup like that. I'm just looking at myself.
And the mother, Lisa, goes,
"Oh! What's he like?"
And I said...
..."He's like a cunt."
I blew it. I blew it with the girl,
if I'm honest. Yeah. No, I...
So.
Still out there. Still trying to find,
er...the lady of my dreams.
And it's tricky. It's difficult.
When you actually get older,
it's laborious, the whole process of it.
You know, you've got to go...
you've got to go to bars and to clubs
and I'm not...I don't like nightclubs,
they don't like me,
the bouncers in nightclubs
don't want me in there, they don't want...
I remember walking towards a nightclub,
and I was walking towards it,
and the bouncer just saw me coming
and he just went, "No."
What do you mean? He went,
"Not trendy enough, mate."
I remember saying, "What do
you mean, not trendy enough?"
I swear to God he went, "Yeah,
you're not trendy enough, mate.
"We want people in here who look
like they're gonna provide glamour
"not IT support."
I had to go...I had to go in a nightclub
for this event recently
and I was taking to the bloke who ran it
and the average person
in a nightclub now, 21 years old.
21 years old. Any 21-year-old lads in?
- (Muted cheering)
- Wa-hey. Where are you, lads?
Wa-hey. 21 years old. Do you know
when they were born? 1 990.
Who the hell was born in 1 990?
I got tinned food older than that!
I was in this club surrounded
by people born in 1 990.
I realised... This makes you feel old.
I realised I was the only person in there
who's ever watched porn on VHS.
That makes you feel old, doesn't it?
21-year-old lads have got no idea.
They're up in their rooms,
they've got laptops, computers.
Surfing the web for Internet global
pornography of all creeds and colours.
Girl on girl, man on girl, woman on
toaster. I don't know what you're into.
Whatever you want.
It wasn't like that for us in the '80s.
You had to somehow
get hold of a tape...
...from a bloke.
Couldn't choose. Just had to get
what you were given and take that.
In my case, some West Country porn,
The Privates Of Penzance.
What the hell is this?
You know, and it's just some inane story
about a plumber who comes around
and all the rest of it.
And...and, you know,
you can watch it day or night.
Now 21-year-old lads, they can go
up to their rooms, watch it, pretend...
"Doing an essay!" Dah, dah, dah,
dah, dah! Everything you want.
Couldn't do that in the '80s with the tape.
You only had... There was only one
VHS player in the house, in the lounge.
You couldn't just come down there
when your mum and dad
are watching Bergerac.
Hang on a minute.
(Humming tune)
Hang on. Sorry, sorry.
(Humming tune) Done. I'm done,
I'm done. All right, I'll leave you to it.
# Dah-dah-dah...
You had to choose your moment,
didn't you, in the '80s?
You had to sort of wait for your parents
to go out for some reason.
Enjoy the funeral.
Creep up, you know,
upstairs to your room, you know.
Into the airing cupboard,
secret compartment. Crawl in there.
What...what's this?
Just an innocent copy of The Goonies.
Is it bollocks!
Back downstairs. Curtains drawn.
Put it in the machine. And
the 21-year-olds, they've got no idea.
If you pop the little tab out, lads,
then the VHS tape just starts playing
from where you last watched it.
Of course, the place you last watched it
was the old...er...you know.
So, now you've got to rewind the tape.
But now you're rewinding the tape.
It's in vision and you're watching porn
backwards. You've never seen that.
You know, that sort of...
It's weird!
Freaks you out, and the thing
about the young lads now is,
if they hear their parents coming,
"That's Mum and Dad coming back",
just shrink the window on the laptop
or the computer or just close the lid,
no one's any the wiser.
You couldn't do that in the '80s.
You know how long it takes
to get a VHS out of a machine?
You hear your parents coming.
The mechanical parts that are moving.
It takes forever! Oh!
Oh! It's like waiting for an old man
to get out of the bath. Come on!
Alfred!
That wasn't the film, by the way.
Old Man Gets Out Of The Bath.
Oh, I'm loving this.
But there's some times, you know,
modern technology, you think,
"Oh, that's an improvement."
But it's not with the dating thing.
Modern technology is a nightmare.
Texting, endless texting you've got to
do when you're on the dating scene now.
If you're married, good luck to you.
Because it's the whole rigmarole
with texting.
You've got to use, you know... No,
everything's got to be abbreviated.
You can't speak. You've just got to send
texts, and numbers mean words.
And icons instead of...
I want to write letters to you ladies.
I want to write, "My dearest Margaret.
"The ravages of time
will not keep from me
"the memory of the moment
we spent in each other's arms.
"You are like a rose
in a garden of nettles.
"I count the hours until we are
laying with each other again.
"Your beloved Stephen."
I want to write that, not "Gr8 shags. :)"
"Can't make it. Soz."
Have you had that? Soz.
That's a new one,
that's a new development. Soz.
This means sorry, apparently. This is...
We're now abbreviating "sorry". I wasn't
aware of this, but I didn't get the memo.
But, er...we're using "soz" now
instead of "sorry".
I met a girl at a party
and we arranged to go on a date
and it was...I was classy,
I did a classy operation.
I said, "What are you into?"
And she was into art.
I said, "Oh, well, there's a Salvador Dali
exhibition at the Tate Modern.
"Are you interested?"
She said, "Yeah, great."
I said, "Brilliant. I'll buy some tickets."
Did I bollocks!
So, I'm waiting there, right, with
these tickets, and, er...get a text.
"Stuck at work. Soz!"
That was it. "Stuck at work. Soz!"
Not enough, is it? Not sufficient.
Say sorry, mean it, or don't say sorry.
But you can't abbreviate sorry.
You wouldn't get a doctor doing that,
would you? A doctor using soz?
(Clears throat)
Mr and Mrs Johnson, I, um...
I have some devastating news.
Your son Michael was brought in earlier
and the...
(Sighs) ...the injuries sustained
during the crash were too severe,
and despite my best efforts, I...
at 1 1 .52,
had to declare him dead.
I will...leave you with your thoughts.
If I can just add one thing.
On a personal note.
Soz.
Sad face.
Not appropriate. It's a nightmare,
I tell you, the whole thing, the texting.
You don't need to worry about this
any more, 'cause you're married,
but the, er...just having to pretend to be
interested in stuff, when you're dating,
'cause if you're married, you don't...
you connect and that's it,
and you find sort of mutual rhythms
and stuff,
but when you're dating
you've just got to pretend to care less
about people's favourite films
or animals.
The number of dogs that
I've pretended to give a shit about!
I couldn't care less.
"Oh, dogs! They're man's best friend!"
They're not man's best friend.
I've got a best friend.
Not once have I walked down the street
with him and he's done that.
Oh! Clear that up, mate!
And this could...
this could divide the room, potentially.
It can sometimes seem, ladies...
And this might just be
from my perspective. I apologise.
It can sometimes seem like...
in that initial phase when you're
first trying to meet someone,
it can sometimes seem like it's the feller
who's doing quite a lot of the work.
Ooh.
Careful, Steve. Sounds a bit sexist.
Calm down, sweetheart. Let me explain.
It can just sometimes seem
in those early days
like it's the fellow
who's got to approach the lady.
"Hello. Can I buy you a drink?"
Pay for that.
And that's fine, that's fine. We're happy
to do it. No, we're happy to do it.
Happy to do it. Not a problem,
not a problem. Happy to do it.
Maybe don't always order a cocktail
but aside from that, it's fine.
Happy to do it, happy to do it. We ask
for the phone number, give you a call.
Get together, maybe go out for a meal,
pay for that.
Um...no. And I know
what you're saying to me.
"No, Steve, that's not true.
We're always happy to pay."
You are always happy to pay, ladies,
but in that early stage
when you're first assessing
I sometimes feel like you're judging us,
maybe, if we're not offering to pay.
Like here's an example. I was on
a date with a girl and the bill came.
And she went "50/50?"
And I went, "No, don't be silly.
"You had a lot more to eat than me.
It's more like 70/30."
And she paid up but I felt her judging me.
That was the sense...
That was the sense I got.
That was the sense I got.
And eventually if we're very lucky we get
to go back to your place, er...in a cab.
Pay for that. That's fine, that's fine. No.
The night bus is not considered
romantic, apparently.
"We might get mugged, Steve!"
"Not a problem for me. I haven't
got any money. Spent it all on you."
But anyway, that's...
No, no, that's...here nor there.
It's here nor there.
So, we get back to yours
and if we're very, very lucky,
we get to, er...we get to move into the...
into the boudoir, you know.
I'm miming for you now, if you can...
And it seems sometimes there,
ladies, if I'm honest,
and it could just be my perspective,
it seems like maybe we're doing quite
a lot of work there as well, if I'm honest.
Just to analyse it. I mean,
I know you're doing some of the work.
I know you are, 'cause you told me
you are and I believe you.
Um...but I can't figure out
what part of this is work for you.
Because the gentleman seems to
literally be putting his back into it.
Whereas the lady's...
she's down there, isn't she?
In the...what's commonly known
as the sleeping position.
Sometimes you are asleep.
Good luck to you. But it's just...it's...
Doesn't seem like work. And what
about when we're up on top, Steve?
It's not work up there,
is it, ladies, that for you?
That's more like you're riding
a magic pony somewhere.
You're just bobbing around, just checking
out things, you know. Keep going.
(Hums tune)
But I tell you why... This is why
the bloke starts to think like this.
Because you're raised from a young age
to be the guy
expected to do all the work.
Because biology class is always
from the male perspective, isn't it?
It's always the penis that's inserted
into the vagina, isn't it?
Never the other way around. You never
hear that, do you, in biology class?
The vagina sheaths the penis.
Never heard it.
Never heard that.
The sperm fertilises the egg.
The egg's doing nothing.
Oh...!
Just sat there like that. Oh...!
Oh...!
Just flipping through Heat. Oh...!
Ah...! The sperm's having a nightmare.
The sperm's got to travel miles.
The equivalent of miles for the sperm.
It's like he's doing the Great North Run.
Millions of other sperm, a lot of them
in fancy dress, not taking it seriously.
Out the way!
And he gets there. Boom.
The feller's doing the work there.
There's a condom obviously.
What? Giant wall of latex. He's been
all that... What the hell's this?
Peering in. Can just make out
the egg on the other side, taunting.
(Hums tune)
(Humming tune)
Then you've got the audacity,
ladies, to say,
"You know he just rolled over
and went to sleep"?
Of course we did!
We're bloody knackered!
At a biological level!
If you're gonna complain,
ladies, get involved.
"Steve, take me to heaven and back!"
"I just took you to fucking Nando's!
"Let's see your money!
For a change.
And you know how hard it is? Do you
know how difficult the lovemaking is?
When you're...when you're
six foot seven? It's a nightmare.
Now, imagine this is
the average lady, right?
The average lady in the UK,
five foot four.
You'd think she'd be taller. But no.
No, five foot four's about there.
Right.
Right, Let's just examine the, er...
I'm being a bit generous, if I'm honest.
The lady regions are down...
I mean, I would never do it stood up
because I'd have to sort of limbo in.
Hiya. How's it going, huh?
Or I'd have to sort of lift you up
in some way, ladies. Urgh!
I haven't got the upper body strength
for that. That's not gonna happen.
Or I'd have to sort of hang you on the
wall. Can you hang a lady on the wall?
I don't even...
I don't know how you'd do that.
You'd need like a...a wall of Velcro
or like a bodysuit of Velcro
the lady would have to get into
and, OK, Let's do it stood up.
Pop! She'd stick up on there.
Bit too high up. Peel her off.
Or we'd need like a sort of winch
and pulley system in the lounge.
Bit creepy on a first date.
Come in. Mind the harness.
(Humming tune) Bit weird.
If you're wondering,
let me explain how I do it.
This could get a bit graphic.
Just bear with me.
Cover your eyes if it's too much for you.
But it's best you know,
it's best you know.
What I do is
I always do it classic, thusly.
I don't...I wouldn't have that foot there.
That's absurd. That's just showing off.
(Humming tune)
Wouldn't do that. What I do is,
do it classic, you know.
Horizontal. Line everything up.
But there's a new danger. Some of you
have spotted it straightaway.
The glasses. All right?
Because you're getting a bit passionate.
"Oh, I'm loving this."
And you roll off the bed, Let's say.
Girl lands on top of you.
Ker-smash! Glasses broken.
Then you've got that tricky conversation
of...of who's gonna pay for 'em.
You know.
It's difficult. No, it's difficult.
So, you're saying, "Steve, how do you
get round it? What do you do?
"What do you do? I'm a glasses wearer.
What's your solution?"
Thanks for asking.
What you do is this, right?
Sorry if this gets a bit graphic but it's
best you know, it's best you know.
Keep the lady occupied erotically.
Right. Right?
You know what I'm up to there.
You know what I'm doing, right?
Da-da-da-da-da.
This is...this is not a giant iPad,
you're aware. This is...
Da-da-da-da-da.
Don't try and memorise this, lads. It's my
own formula. Ba-ba-ba, da-da. Right?
If you want, add the...add the old... Ooh,
that one. You know the one, you know.
Eurgh. No, it's too much, isn't it?
It's too much. You know. Eurgh!
Eurgh. No, it's weird.
It's too much, isn't it, that one? Eurgh.
No, I shouldn't be down there. It's not...
I don't know what I'm doing. Um...
Oh!
It's too weird. It's too weird, that one.
Eurgh. Ha-ha.
Eurgh. You know what I mean,
the old...the...
Ha-ha. I don't know what I'm talking
about. The old...the cunny...
You know what I'm talking about.
The cunny...the cunny like...cunniling...
Ah! Say it. Say it again slower.
Cunny linger. Cunnilingus!
I always have trouble getting my tongue
around it. Thanks very much.
Good night.
Have that joke. Take that joke. It's yours.
It's a gift.
It's a gift to the people of Oxford.
Be careful where you use that joke.
Lads, for instance, use that joke
when you're with the lads.
But don't use that joke
if you're in the act itself. All right?
No lady wants to see this.
(Yelps)
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Oi, oi, oi.
I just remembered something
Steve Merchant said.
I thought it was gonna be classier
than this, didn't you? I did.
Keep the lady occupied erotically, right?
She's loving that.
"Thank you so much. This is
absolutely tremendous, Steve.
"I'm having a whale of a time."
While she's...while she's erotically
charged, she's not paying attention,
you can nip the glasses off,
whip the glasses off, right,
and what I do is I just keep
a Tupperware box under the bed.
Good idea, and just...
You pop them in there, lid on,
and then the lady could land on top
of them, not gonna get broken.
Safe as houses, right? New problem.
I'm gonna use this little bit
of sophisticated technology
to explain the new problem.
Right, now, the new problem is this.
When I've got the glasses off, really,
I can't see anything, if I'm honest.
That really is where things
come into focus for me, about there.
So, um...if that...if that was you
on the wedding night, right,
that's what's waiting for me
in the boudoir
you know, just bear in mind there
will be quite a lot of sort of squinting.
I'm gonna do things to you...
...that you wouldn't believe!
Just as soon as you whistle.
(Sniggering)
Heh-heh! Here we go. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
(Sighs) Now...
I sometimes wonder,
if this face is the reason
I'm still single.
'Cause I don't reckon
you're turned on by this
unless your sexual fantasy is
some kind of Victorian child-catcher.
(Sniggering)
So, there's not a lot of repeat business
back at chez Steve.
Which is why I'm out there on this tour,
advertising myself so attractively,
to the women of the world.
Er...
I feel maybe I've, um...
maybe I've said too much,
um...this evening.
Er...
If I've offended anyone,
um...all I can say is...
Thanks very much indeed for coming
out, everyone. I hope you've enjoyed it.
- Thanks very much indeed. Cheers.
- (Cheering and applause)
(Cheering and applause)
(Cheering)
(Cheering)
- (Cheering)
- Thank you, everyone. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
I was thinking how could I best
make use of this amazing theatre space,
and when I was thinking about
what to talk about for the show,
I found the first thing that I ever wrote
that was performed, which was a, um...
I don't know if anyone did GCSE drama,
but in GCSE drama you'd have
to get together often in groups
and you'd sort of devise a play
about issues of the day,
and the one that I came up with, it was...
I wrote it with my friend Tony,
and it was a very powerful piece,
and I found the original script of it
and I thought, given
that we're in a theatre space,
maybe we could recreate that play
as it was first performed at Hanham
High School back in the late '80s.
So, I just need a couple of volunteers.
You don't need to be able to act.
I can assure you of that.
But you do need to be able to read.
I know that seems obvious,
but we've had some absolute nut jobs.
Um...er...so just a couple of...
a couple of people.
A lady and a man.
I just need a lady and a man.
Yes, madam? All right,
I'm gonna check your breath.
If you've been drinking,
you're going back down.
Come up, madam, please.
Thank you very much.
Round of applause for this lady. Hello,
nice to meet you. What's your name?
- Lise.
- Lise.
Do you want to just get in there? Put a
microphone on so people can hear you.
Is that all right? So, there's Lise there.
And just need a gentleman
to play opposite.
Um...look at the lads
keeping their heads down.
Oh, I can't decide, I can't decide.
All right, we'll go with this fellow just
there, all right? This fellow just here.
OK, yeah. Thank you very much, sir.
Yeah, take your time, yeah.
- What's your name, sir?
- Tom.
Brilliant. All right, just get yourself
mic'd up, mate. Thank you very much.
All right,
so, just to set the scene for you.
This would have been performed
in, as I say, the late '80s in Bristol.
And it was probably a couple of years
after I got the Blue Peter badge. Um...
- (Man cheers)
- Look, hang on a minute. Sorry.
Did... Sorry, sorry, I thought I heard
someone say how did I get it. Did...
No, I did, I did, I definitely did.
Bloody fans.
Um...let me explain what happened.
Um...they did a competition... Hang on.
They did a competition on Blue Peter
to win some goodies
and you had to tell them
how many James Bond films had
been made up until that point, right?
It was about 1 983.
Quick as a flash, I knew the answer.
1 5. Big Bond fan. Sent in the answer.
Couple of weeks later on the show
they gave out the correct result.
They said it was 1 3. 1 3 films.
Alarm bells straightaway.
Realised where they'd gone wrong.
Wrote in a letter explaining.
What had happened is they'd failed to
specify whether you were to name
all of the James Bond films
that had been made up until that point
or only those made by EON
Productions, the Cubby Broccoli team.
OK, but therefore,
you know, not including
the two independently financed James
Bond films, the 1 967 version of...
Hang on a minute.
The 1 967 version of Casino Royale.
Don't confuse that with
the more recent Daniel Craig remake.
And of course Never Say Never Again,
which is a loose remake, ladies, of...
- Thunderball.
- Pardon me?
- Thunderball.
- Thunderball. Thank you, ladies. OK, so.
No lady's ever known the answer to that.
Where are you?
All right, we're meeting afterwards.
OK. Um...
So, quick as a flash,
I see where they went wrong
and I sent in a letter
explaining the mistake
and they sent back, um...er... a Blue
Peter badge as a reward and a letter.
I won't read the letter now
'cause we haven't got time.
Have we got time?
We've got time, yeah. Um...
(Hums tune)
Yeah, there it is, all right?
From the BBC.
"Dear Stephen,
"thank you so much for pointing out
the mistake in our competition."
Not a problem, gratis, happy to help.
"There cannot be many young men
who are quite as pedantic as you."
Possible whiff of sarcasm
in the next line.
"It must make you
incredibly popular at school."
No, it didn't, actually.
It turns out that pedants aren't cool.
Who knew? Not me.
"Not I", that should be, just...
OK, the guys are ready.
Here we go. All right.
So, we're just gonna recreate this
exactly as it would have been done.
Now, just come out here,
just come out here.
And just remind me
of your name again. Lise?
- Lise.
- Lise, all right, round of applause.
No, not round of applause, a handshake.
Lise and Tom. Tom, all right.
So, whenever you see
the role of "Woman" marked up,
you'll be doing those lines, OK?
And you'll be doing Man
whenever you see "Man", all right?
He starts on the next page.
And bear in mind
we're trying to recreate this
exactly as it was done
in Hanham High School
so no need to act, all right?
Guys, if you just go off there
to the side for now, all right?
And I'll try and recreate it
exactly as it was done in Bristol.
Er...couple of...
- (Chair clunks)
- All right?
There's the set.
And, er...all right, so, sort of, yeah.
Would have been a bit like this.
I'd have probably come out
to do a little introduction.
No, come on. No, don't, don't, come on.
No, don't, come on.
We did...me and Tony did a...
Don't, shut up.
Me and Tony did...did...wrote a play
about issues and things.
And it's called Choices.
Yeah, all right. OK, Lise, you come on.
You come on, yeah.
Walk on. That's it. Good.
Yeah, yeah, that's good. Go, yeah.
Anthea should be home by now. Look at
the time. I bet she's out with that Kevin.
(Sniggers) Not that you'd care.
(Giggles) Because you're always
down the pub, drinking and smoking.
(Laughs) And...and you're on the dole.
Shut up or I'll beat you!
Don't... Take it seriously. What...
Sorry, Lise.
What? No, what?
- I'm being scared now.
- Don't ad-lib.
Oh.
- Carry on, carry on.
- That girl drives me up the wall.
Sometimes I could just...
- What?
- Nothing.
All right, go off. Off you go, off you go.
That was great, that was great.
In my day, kids played in big fields by
factories and spoke but weren't heard.
Nowadays they've got no respect
for authority because of Bob Geldof.
OK, come back on. She's...now
she's playing my daughter, all right?
Anthea! Stop right there!
What's...what's this in your pocket?
No, don't. No, do stop.
Do stop. Seriously.
No, no, don't keep spinning. OK.
What's this in your pocket? A condom?
- Well, you...
- Are you still there?
Just found a condom in your pocket.
You never pay any attention to me.
You should be glad I've got a condom,
because so many people
don't know about safe sex,
because parents
and teachers can't discuss it
because of the lack
of communication breakdown.
(Clears throat) Anyway,
I don't care, 'cause I'm pregnant.
Pregnant? Ah! Blackout!
(Chairs clattering and scraping)
(Clattering and scraping)
(Clattering)
(Scraping)
(Scraping)
Lights on.
We're down the disco, we're down the
disco. Come down, come down here.
Are you taking the piss?
What I'm saying is, if America
and Russia don't make peace,
we'll all get blown up in a nuclear war!
Yeah.
Good. No, well done.
This disco's great. I love this song.
Yeah.
UB40 are the best band ever.
Hey, Anthea is over there. Don't you
think you should, er...talk to her?
- Why?
- Well, didn't you get her pregnant?
(Tuts) So what?
I don't care. It's her fault.
She should be on the pill
because I never wear a condom
because I'm sexist.
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.
- No, what is it?
- Nothing.
- No, what is it?
- Nothing.
- No, what is it?
- I'm gay.
Gay? Ah! Blackout!
(Chairs scraping)
(Scraping and clattering)
(Scraping)
(Clattering)
Lights on.
Oh, fuck.
They should be over there.
OK. Lise, come on. Lise.
(Whispers) Just there,
just there, just there, just there.
Hey! Do you want a cigarette?
- No.
- No? Then you're not my friend.
Peer pressure! Peer pressure!
Peer pressure! Peer pressure!
Peer pressure, peer pressure!
Peer pressure, peer pressure!
Peer pressure!
Now do you want a cigarette?
- Yes.
- Yes! Blackout.
(Chairs scraping and clattering)
Oh, bloody hell.
OK. Lights on. Yeah, here we go. Right,
just the two of you, just the two of you.
You...you guys just together.
On here. Just get on there.
Lise, just there.
Yeah, all right, good. This is brilliant.
- Can I trust you?
- Well, I'm gay.
Well, that's all right.
We're all the same under...our skin.
Thanks. It's difficult being gay...
- (She snorts)
- ...because of prejudice and AIDS.
Stop laughing!
I understand, because I'm a woman.
I really fancy that boy over there.
Well, why don't you go out with him?
(Laughing) Well, I think I'm overweight,
because of all the supermodels.
They do give women un...
unreasonable expectations.
Aah!
Brilliant. That was brilliant.
Oh, no! What's happened? You...
Lie down, lie down.
Julie, Julie! Wake up, wake up!
Oh, no! What's this in her pocket? Glue!
All right, lights on. OK, right.
Tom.
Ah. Should have moved them in the...
All right.
Sit there, Tom. Tom, sit there.
John, I love coming round your house
and playing computer games.
Yes, Martin. Computer games are fun.
But do you know what I really love?
- What?
- You.
That's not in the script.
- What did you say?
- I said I love you.
Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Please remember
I'm just like you on the inside.
No, you're not,
you're a massive gaylord.
Why are you being so cruel?
Because I hate poofters
because of prejudice.
And now I'm gonna go to school
and tell everyone.
John! Are you a poofter tied to a tree?
- No!
- Aah! Poofter on the loose!
(Chairs clattering and scraping)
OK, lights up. Lise, Lise!
Just sit down, Lise.
Sit down, right.
Anthea! Where is your essay?
I said it had to be in by nine o'clock
this morning or you're expelled.
But, sir, I've got problems. I...
Shut up! I'm not interested.
I don't care what you think,
'cause you're just a kid.
Now I'm a kid.
- Hello, Martin.
- Er...whatever.
(Laughing) I've got your baby in me.
Not interested.
OK. Did you hear
that John killed himself?
John didn't kill himself.
Look, there he is now.
- Hello, Martin.
- Hello, John!
Who are you taking to?
John the poofter. He's just there.
- There's no one there.
- What?
Yes, she cannot see me
because I'm a ghost.
- What happened?
- I did suicide last night.
You did suicide?
Yes, and I'm dead and you are to blame
because of bullying.
Oh, my God! Bullying's terrible!
Now I realise.
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Martin!
I...I'm having a baby right now!
In class! Oh!
- Oh!
- OK.
It's good but it's scary. It's...
But it's good, it's good, it's good.
- I've done it twice.
- You've done a tremendous job.
- Keep going. Now, normally...
- Oh!
- ...normally...
- Oh!
No, just...just a bit quieter
'cause I can't explain.
- Normally we'd have had a prop baby...
- I'm having a baby!
...like a toy baby at this point,
but I didn't have a toy baby at home
so I just grabbed
the first thing I could find at home
and, um...it...
I'll tell you what happened.
There was three of them up there.
I just grabbed the first one.
- I can't believe I'm getting to touch it.
- You're not getting to touch it.
(Laughs) Oh, go on. Just once.
- Just, you haven't given birth to it yet.
- Oh, right. Oh, right, OK.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
- I can see the head!
- (She laughs)
- It's got your eye!
- (Laughing)
- Push! Oh!
- Pull!
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
Oh!
Seriously, though. Oh, my God.
Don't... Come on.
- It's half mine now.
- No, don't get carried away.
(She laughs)
Oh, wow.
I have to decide whether to marry
Anthea and help her grow this baby,
or ignore her and make her
give it up for abortion...
- Adoption, I think that should be.
- (She laughs)
What should I do?
Be a good father and help Anthea?
Or be selfish and do nothing?
Those are some difficult...
(All) Choices.
(Cheering)
Still a very, very powerful piece,
I think you'll agree.
There's a lot for you
to go home and digest.
Thank you so much for coming out
tonight. I hope you've enjoyed it.
Thank you very much indeed.
Thank you. Good night, cheers.
Blackout!
(Music plays)