Strapped for Danger II: Undercover Vice (2020) Movie Script
1
(electronic music)
- [Dispatch] Officer Andy, Officer Kevin,
perp driving by your position.
I repeat, perp driving by your position.
Perp stole a bunch of dildos
from the AARP Women's Auxiliary Group.
Christ, are you guys sleeping again?
He's going to go past you anytime now.
He just went past you.
Yep, getting away.
Andy, Kevin, wake up.
(tires peeling)
- [Andy] Yeah, I don't have my seatbelt on.
[Kevin] Who are we chasing?
[Dispatch] There is a
perp ahead in a Torino,
going about 45 in a 65 mile per hour zone.
He stole a bunch of dildos
and you're the only team in the area.
He sees you, he's turning into
the last remaining Rojack Supermarket.
- [Andy] We're going in.
(glass breaking)
- [Dispatch] Are you guys
driving through the supermarket?
- [Kevin] We go where life takes us.
Ooh, there's a special two for $4
on graham crackers.
Go right a little, go right a little.
(tires screech)
- [Kevin] Ah balls!
[Andy] We're out.
[Dispatch] He's heading
toward the nuclear power plant.
If he crashes his car into it,
it'll be Chernobyl all over again.
Hey, are you guys coming
over to the barbecue
I'm having Sunday?
- [Andy] Sure am.
- [Kevin] Save me some chicken.
[Dispatch] Bring your
swim trunks and a lot of lube.
Now crash into this guy before
we have a nuclear holocaust.
(guns firing)
- [Andy] Are you okay?
- [Kevin] I peed a little.
Well, I peed a lot, like a whole lot.
Let's go get this dildo thief.
- [Dispatch] He's out of his car
and climbing onto a roof. Go, go, go.
- You lost the loot.
And the perp killed himself.
(electronic music)
- Stop, police, freeze.
- Put your hands where we can see them.
- Just put down the bag of Bruin dildos
and nobody gets hurt.
- No way.
These things are worth
their weight in gold.
(slaps Kevin)
- Kevin!
- I'm okay, I'm okay.
Whoo, just a little cock-eyed.
- What if I return the dildos?
- No no, nobody can tell that
you haven't used them already.
That's a health code violation right there.
- Okay then.
I regret nothing.
Noooo!
- I was surprised at how quickly
those dildos disappeared.
- They were worth a lot of money.
- He's dead.
Well, he died the way he would've wanted.
- Covered in sex toys.
- Well, we'll just chalk
that up to another failure.
- Hey, failure is just another
way of saying success.
Look, my landlord does it all the time.
I mean, granted his
English is terrible, but...
- So since you're both free now,
I've got another case on the books.
If you numbnuts can handle it.
- Well, you can count on
us to fail or succeed, Chief.
- Great, what do you
know about Republicans?
- They don't care about people.
- Hey, I'm a Republican.
- What, really?
- You two are partners and
you've never discussed this.
- Well, I think it's boring
to talk about politics.
- I think there are good
people on both sides.
- Well, I'll give you
some time to unpack that.
Our latest victim came to us
under condition of anonymity
because he's a Republican senator.
- These guys, they're porno stars,
and you know, you can also
pay them to do stuff to you,
but they tied me up and took my money.
They made me give them the combination to
my safe, or they'd tell everyone who I was.
They have video and pictures of me.
I can't let those get out.
They're monsters.
- We've got 17 of these poor saps
who are all getting ripped
off by these gay porn stars.
- 17, that's some serious shit.
- Nearly every male Republican politician
on the Eastern seaboard.
- Is every Republican
politician secretly gay?
- Secretly might not
be the word I would use.
- Hey, that's not true.
Okay look, when you
gotta be good all of the time,
you just, you gotta blow off steam somehow.
- What?
- Look, a man gets lonely, okay?
You know, like when
he's in prison or the Navy,
or a boy band.
- Yeah, I'm not going
down that rabbit hole.
(phone beeps)
Rick, T.J., bring in the porn.
- Hey losers, heard you
screwed up the dildo heist.
- Yeah, too much dicking around.
- Shut up guys.
- Yeah, why are you always such dicks?
- We're good at it.
- No time for dick-swinging
intimidation boys.
We've got work to do.
- (laughs) You like these
kind of movies, boys?
Naughty Frat Sluts, Triple X Volume 13.
- I like frat sluts.
- No, you don't, dude.
These are the gay kind.
- Oh, frat sluts.
- Thank you, guys.
You can go, we'll call you if we need you.
- Fine, catch you later losers.
- Screw off!
- Now pay attention.
These are the perps.
Jason, Thoby,
and Clem.
They work for Candy Reign Entertainment,
a porn company here in town.
- I've heard of them.
- Really?
I had no idea there was
a gay porn factory here.
- Don't be naive, Andy.
- I just watched a man plummet to his doom
and get crushed under the
weight of a bag of rubber dicks.
How am I naive?
- Anyway, the politicians
have us up against a wall.
Unless we want the
government to cut off our funding,
we have got to stop the blackmail,
and if possible, the
prostitution on top of that.
- Okay, how do you expect us to do that?
- You two are going undercover.
- As Republican politicians?
Some kind of sting operation?
- Not quite.
You two are going to be porn stars.
- What?
- Porn stars?
- That's right.
You're going deep.
- But I'm not gay.
I mean, yeah sure.
Andy's bi, but he has a girlfriend.
- Dude, I'm going to
propose to Rebecca tonight.
It's our anniversary and I'm not gay.
- Sure you are.
You said that one time
you'd sleep with Zac Efron.
- Because he is pretty, like a girl.
If I had to.
I'm not gay.
- You're gonna have to
infiltrate these clowns,
penetrate their cover.
- What if they really want us to have sex?
(funky music)
- That's why we're sending both of you.
But if worse comes to worse,
you guys can fake it enough to the cameras.
We'll also send you with
some emergency viagra
in case you get separated.
- But.
- But.
- No buts, except the booty kind.
You two have screwed up for the last time.
Now you're going to take it in the butt.
(funky music)
- (laughs) Hey Broseph, nice
work on the rugby field today.
- Do you think so, man?
I thought I was distracted.
- Distracted?
What were you distracted by?
- You.
(funky music)
(whistle blows)
- [Both] Coach Reynolds!
- What the hell was going on in here?
My top two players going
at it in the locker room.
This is repulsive.
- Please Coach, don't tell.
We'll do whatever you want.
- Anything?
- Cut!
Jesus Christmas, Clem.
That's not the line.
(snaps)
Hank, what is it?
- It's "Please Coach, don't tell,
We'll do anything you want."
- That's right.
You have to say "anything," or else Thoby's
next line just doesn't make any sense.
- Sorry.
- Also, I think the line
is, "My two top players."
Not "My top two players, Toby."
- What's the difference?
- That's the way I wrote it,
and that's the way it's gonna be.
It's a top joke.
Like they're obviously bottoms.
It's subtle.
[All] Oh.
Let's take it again from when you
were coming back from the showers.
Excuse me, Ms. Debris.
It's almost 1:00 p.m. and
the new auditions are here.
- Well, ain't that a kick in the balls.
Okay everyone, that's lunch.
- Lunch?
- Hello boys, thanks for coming in.
What are your names?
- Chad.
- And I'm Biff.
- How nice, take off your pants.
- Already?
- Being a timid little
mouse is not a qualification
for a career in the adult film industry.
Understood?
(soft music)
Well, I think we have
some openings you might fit.
Let's see the rear views.
- Actually we're tops.
- Yeah yeah, total tops.
So butts not applicable.
- You know boys, everyone says that,
but you really should know
that the money's better for bottoms.
- I'm not that interested in the money.
- Oh, just doing it for kicks eh?
I've got your number, stud.
Let's cut to the chase.
In gay porn, everyone shows their ass.
Except Thoby, he has a
special clause in his contract
where he never takes his pants off.
It adds to his mystique.
- Can I get that special clause?
- A newbie like you?
With no clout?
(laughs) Doubt it.
Now spin around and show me your asses.
(soft music)
Oh, excellent, excellent.
You have spectacular glutes.
- Andy?
I don't know if I can do this.
(slaps butt)
- Chill out, Biff.
You'll get used to it.
Turn around, boys.
Now, we're shooting scene
two of our new frat movie
this afternoon.
We're in the need of a couple
naked extras for atmosphere.
If you guys are ready, Hank
can square away your contracts,
and you'll be getting paid in no time.
- I'm in.
You too, Biff?
- Yeah, yes.
- Great.
Hank?
- Yes, Ms. Debris?
- Get these boys' information.
They work for us now.
- Holy cannoli.
- Pick up your pants, boys.
You're distracting Hank.
- So I think we can pan across here.
I want sort of a Lawrence
of Arabia feel here.
As we see Jason's butt,
considered as rolling hills.
A landscape of the body, if you will.
- Oui oui, I will make a
mountain out of these molehills.
- Hey new guys, what's up?
I'm Jason, Jason Waterfalls.
- Hey, I'm Chad and this is Biff.
- Hey.
- Clem.
- Thoby, what up?
- It's a little awkward meeting new people
when we're all nearly naked.
- You get used to it.
It's always nice to meet some fresh meat,
and you're real cute.
- Yeah, you guys got some nice asses.
We get to fuck you in a later scene?
- No.
I mean no, we're basically tops.
- Wow.
I hope you have the
statistics to back that up.
- Well, we're just voyeurs
in the scene anyway.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, so let's talk this out.
Clem's gonna be fucking Jason here,
while he blows me.
You guys are just gonna watch?
- Well yeah, that's all they told us to do.
- You know, the Nazis
also did what they were told.
- Those guys were gay as hell
and revved up on speed.
- Okay we good, we good?
Okay, and start with the fucking and roll.
(triumphant music)
- Oh yeah.
Coach, so glad I joined the team.
- All right, pay attention you two.
- Yes sir.
- Yes sir.
- You need to work together as a team
and I don't think you're
learning your lesson well enough.
You, slap your teammates' ass.
- Yes sir.
(slap)
- Yeah, you want to get into it.
It's all about teamwork.
Now you!
- Sir?
- Come over here and lick my nipples.
My hands are kind of busy.
- Yes sir.
(funky music)
(dramatic music)
- Hey coach, can I get in on this too?
I want to be a real part of the team.
I want to fuck too.
- [Coach] Help yourself.
- Oh, praise Jesus.
- That good?
- I feel him in my belly.
(Andy growls)
- I'm going to win all the awards for this.
(funky music)
- What the hell was that, man?
You just jump in there
and start fucking a guy?
- Kevin, these are the guys.
We've got to make them trust us.
We have to make them
think we're gay, like they are.
- It's just weird is all.
- Dude, think about it.
If we're not going to join in, then
how are we going to get in their circle?
- Oh, you got in that
guy's circle all right.
How was it?
- Honestly, it felt good.
I mean, I had anal sex before with chicks.
It's always good,
but this time was with
someone who wanted it.
- It's just...
- Hey new guys!
Really great work today.
- Yeah, you really plowed
me to heck and back, Chad.
You got a real future in this business.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, a real team player, I like that.
You too, squirt.
- You really looked disgusted and ashamed
at what you had to do in that scene.
- Thanks.
- Hey, the boys and I,
we usually head down to
Scudders for a few beers
after a shoot to wind down.
You wanna tag along?
- We'd love that, wouldn't we Biff?
- Yeah.
(soft music)
- So how'd you get into porn?
You paying for your tuition at MIT?
- Nope, I just love the dick.
- You love this dick.
- Ah, shots for everyone.
- Hey!
- Holy shit!
- Zooey, coming in with a hookup.
- Hey, it's the least I can do.
So Jason told me you made
some new buddies, huh?
- Yeah, so this is Biff, and Chad.
And Zooey's a bartender here.
- Zooey's the best.
- You boys flatter me.
- Thanks for the shots, sweetheart.
To filmmaking.
- [All] To filmmaking.
- Um so I...
- Hey, relax Chad.
Listen, Clem and I like
to bring cool new friends
into our fuck buddy
relationship all the time.
- Keeps it interesting.
Nothing serious.
We're just gonna get high and mess around.
You're welcome to join us.
- I'm sorry, you guys
are being really really nice,
but I've got a boyfriend.
- No need to apologize.
We'll just have to have our fun onscreen.
Sometimes it's hotter that way.
- In fact, I'm going to
propose to him tonight.
- Oh my God, that's so sweet.
Hey Zooey, can we get more shots please?
- What are you doing here with us?
You should go.
Romance should be cherished.
You go home and propose
right after you show us the ring.
Oh, it's gorgeous.
It's a little girly for a dude.
- He likes girly things.
He's transgender.
- Cool cool.
- Well, you do your boo boo.
- So Kev, Biff?
You good?
- Oh, don't worry about Biff.
We will take very good care of him.
- Yeah I'm cool, man.
I'm just being gay.
Hanging out with my gay porn friends.
- Oh, I'm not gay.
- Wait, what?
- Hey stud, I'm off in ten.
We hitting your place or mine tonight?
- Let's do yours.
- Yeah, Zooey and Thoby are together.
Thoby is just gay for pay.
- Which is a fucking shame
because that cock is insane.
- Hey listen, you boys may
get him when you're onscreen.
But at home, he's mine mine mine.
- You're a firecracker, babe.
- She's okay with all this?
- Well yeah, I mean,
you know how straight guys
like to watch two girls go at it?
Some girls like to watch guys together.
- Oh, it's such a turn-on.
My Thoby is so virile when
he's boning another guy.
- Yeah, Thoby's straight.
But don't worry though, Biff.
Jason and I are both
gay as the day is long.
- Okay, I'll leave you
single gay guys to it.
- Want to make out, stud?
- I got to pee, excuse me.
- Excuse me?
- Come here.
- I just don't think I can
go through with this man.
- Look, you don't have to
do anything you don't want to do,
but it would be really
helpful to this investigation
if you just man up and
get in with these guys.
- Easy for you to say.
You're engaged to a transgender man.
You don't have to go
sleep with two dudes, okay?
I've never done anything gay before.
- [Andy] Kevin, I already
fucked the shit out of Clem.
Don't be a pussy about this.
- Did you just call me a pussy
for not wanting to get fucked by two dudes?
What if they want booty stuff?
I've never...
- [Andy] Dude, just let
them know you're a top.
If they start blowing you, just close
your eyes and think of Christine Baranski,
and take your emergency
viagra if you need it.
Take one for the team.
Or two.
Look, I got to go propose to Rebecca.
Good luck.
- I couldn't help but overhear,
what with my ear pressed
flat against the door and all,
these are poppers.
Amyl nitrate.
It dilates your blood
vessels, speeds up your heart
and loosens your sphincter.
So you'll enjoy your
first anal sex a lot more.
Especially if you're doing
two guys for the first time.
You keep these, I've got more at home.
Godspeed.
- Okay studs, let's do this.
- Oh, right on.
- This is so nice.
We haven't spent enough time together.
- Our jobs keep us so busy.
You know, I spend as
much time as I can with you.
- I know.
And I'm proud to be
dating a big fancy detective.
- And I'm proud of you for
working at the old folks home.
- Oh, St. Agnes isn't an old folks home.
It's an assisted living
facility for the elderly
and terminally ill.
- Oh, sure, sorry.
- So I...
- I want...
You go first.
- Well, how did the big case turn out?
What are you working on now?
How was your day?
I love you so much, tell me everything.
- Bbefore we do that,
I'm going to get dessert.
- Oh, dessert?
- Yeah, I picked up some
cupcakes on the way home.
- Well I can't, I'm on a diet.
- But it's a special night.
It's our anniversary.
- I know, and I want it to be about us.
Not stupid sugar.
Tell me about your day.
I want to really connect with you.
- Kevin and I tied up that last case
and we got assigned a new one.
We're investigating some blackmailers.
- Ooh, that's so hot.
What are you doing?
- We're going undercover, baby.
- Oh yeah, as what?
- We're joining a gang of thieves.
They all work at the same place.
We're going to infiltrate them.
- You're so sexy.
What do they do?
- What?
- Where do they work?
What do they do?
- Um, movies, they make movies.
And they're very energetic too.
- Wow, movie stars.
And you and Kevin are
what, gaffers, key grips?
Best boys?
- Best boys, kind of.
We're extras.
- That's amazing.
You're going to be in the movie.
What's it about?
- Sports, sports.
It's a sports movie.
It's a film about a rugby team,
inter-team relations and team building.
Like "Rudy", except with
more locker room stuff.
- Oh wow.
My boyfriend's a movie star.
Just like Tom Hardy or Tom Cruise
or Tom Hanks.
I am so turned on right now.
Take me to bed.
- We should have our cupcakes first.
- Screw dessert.
I want you to fuck me, Tommy.
(glasses break)
(funky music)
I mean Andy.
(funky music)
- [Rebecca] Oh yes yes yes.
Give it to me.
(funky music)
- So dude, how did it go?
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Understood, and I
thank you for your sacrifice.
Was it worth it?
Did you get any good information?
- Only one thing.
After, after it was all over,
I heard Jason and Clem
talking about their plans for tonight.
It sounded like the three
of them have a new sting
planned for immediately
after this afternoon's shoot.
- Fuck, we've got to get in
them with them right away.
- What do we do though?
The three of them are so tight.
- I know they are.
- Okay, everyone.
So for today's shoot,
we're gonna go a little artsy.
I was inspired to make something political,
something edgy,
something that speaks to
the heart of the darkness
that is 21st century America.
Guess what the title is?
- Naughty Frat Sluts, volume 20.
- She has a way with words.
(actors clap)
- So everyone except for
Clem and our special guest star,
Nat Silver, is free for a half hour or so.
There are cupcakes in the craft table.
- Fuck yeah cupcakes.
- Don't overdo it, Jason.
We're not shooting the cozy
chubby porn until the fall.
- Do not fucking fat shame me, Hank.
- Okay so Pierre, start
in tight on Nat's cock.
Nat, drop trou for me, doll.
- Right.
- Gorgeous, we're so
glad you could guest star.
- Now take your socks off, Nat.
- The socks stay.
- No, the socks go.
- The socks stay or I walk in the socks.
- So this is how it's gonna be.
Fine, you win this round, Nat Silver,
but just so you know,
the house always wins in the end
and I am that house.
(Pinata hisses)
- Dude, what are we gonna do?
We have to get in their gang.
Surely they trust us by now.
- It's not about trust, they're a team.
That's it.
- What's it?
- If we incapacitate one of them,
they'll need to pick someone else,
and we've ingratiated ourselves enough,
that we'll be the first ones they think of.
- Incapacitate like how?
- We'll hurt them somehow.
Spring a leg, drop a sandbag.
- I don't want to hurt them.
- We've got to do something.
- I've got it, cupcakes.
- Keep them distracted.
- Hey, what's up guys?
Some day, huh?
- Yeah, it's nice to have some downtime
on these epic shoot days.
[Thoby] Plus, I have Nat standing
in for my usual dom role in this piece,
so it's less stress on me.
- Yeah, what's that all about?
Are there like stunts or
something in this one?
- No Pinata just needs some
rimming in a later scene,
and I don't take my pants off, you know?
It's in my contract.
Just whip the dick out, that's all you got.
- It adds to Thoby's mystery.
- Fascinating.
Hey, what's that all about man?
You don't want to show your bod?
- Oh no, it is too much
for mortal eyes to behold.
- No, it's just skinnier than I'd like.
Nobody needs to see that.
I'm gonna eat one of these cupcakes.
Oh, these are fancy.
- You're up, Jason.
Pinata needs you to start
rimming Nat in the next scene.
- (sighs) Fine.
- I'll save you a cupcake.
- Ah fuck yeah!
There you go, there you go.
Take it, bitch.
Yeah, ohh!
Ah yeah, fuck!
- Hey, hey.
There's something wrong with Thoby,
- Huh?
- What's going on?
We're filming here.
- Thoby is really sick.
We have to get him to the hospital.
- Oh no!
- Fuck, I was almost there.
- Cut, cut everyone.
Well, where is he?
Well, he's in the bathroom barfing.
- I think it was the
cupcakes, I threw them out.
- Oh sacre bleu!
- I always say no sugar on set.
Why does no one listen?
It's almost like you're
purposefully ignoring me.
- Everyone, calm down.
Hank, go call an ambulance.
We'll just have to
recast Thoby's part then.
Well Chad, you can do it, right?
- Yes ma'am.
- Don't you want to put
some clothes on, Nat?
- No, I'm good.
I figure I'm just gonna have
to take them off again later.
- A little distracting, that's all.
(Pierre speaks in foreign language)
- Whoa, whoa guys.
Can we stop discouraging Nat?
Okay, he has his own actor's process.
- Great, Hank?
Oh, he's calling the ambulance.
I'll do it myself.
Here are the pages.
Yeah, there's not much dialogue.
You'll just be fucking
Nat in the orgy scene.
- Looking forward to it.
- Okay, I called 9-1-1.
I think Thoby is going to be okay.
He barfed up most of the cupcake.
I think he should go to the
hospital anyways to be safe.
- Great.
Okay, now let's all take a
deep breath and hold hands.
Gather round.
Let's take a moment of
silent prayer for Thoby.
And then, after the ambulance comes,
we can just get on with the
rimming and sucking threesome.
Right?
- Dear God, it's your
favorite Jewish son, Nat Silver.
As is customary, I will first thank you
for the slammin' penis.
You're the tops in my book.
Next, please look after our friend, Thoby.
He is hurting and needs your help, and
not the kind of help where you ask someone
to go up a mountain and kill their only
child just to prove their love for you.
Dude, no offense, but
that's just fucked up.
I won't even go into the
whole pillar of salt thing.
You must've been tripping balls that day.
Now I know you're probably sad
that we're shooting this porn on Shabbat,
but fuck it, Lord.
We all have student loans to pay,
and those interest rates
are breaking our balls, Lord.
Now I know Nelmet and Great Lakes
and Discover Student Loan
Servicing are tests, Lord.
They are your gauntlets, but damn it,
we need that dumb son of a
bitch alive, and we need his tuchus,
his beautiful goyem tuchus,
full of hopes and promises,
rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Thank you, Lord.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And please Lord, look after my mother.
She is a beautiful yenta.
I'm gonna make her proud.
I'm gonna make her proud.
- Amen.
- Okay everyone, seeing as
how we have a little extra time,
I figured we'd shoot
a sexy fun film parody.
This movie will be a parody of "Aladdin".
- Oh no.
- What?
- We'll get sued if we
use the word Aladdin.
- No we won't.
- Yes, we will.
Remember when you did
that Game of Dongs parody?
We almost lost everything.
- Why are you arguing with me?
Is this about last night?
Oh, this is about last night, isn't it?
- I don't want to get into this with you
in front of everyone.
- Hold on, we can't say the word Aladdin
without getting sued?
- There's an old show business saying.
Fuck with the mouse, lose your house.
- Could they say it en francais?
Everything sounds so
much sexier en francais.
- No, no, no.
- I got it, we'll just
call it "Arabian Nights".
- Nope, that's copyrighted as well.
- Okay look, I took a viagra
for this scene, all right?
Those things last for four hours.
Not six, not five,
four hours.
So can we please get with the fucking,
while I still have my rage boner?
(funky music)
- What the hell, man?
You just got fucked by Jason.
- What, you think I don't know that?
I couldn't get it up.
Damn Rebecca and her sensual appetites.
I'm not made of stone.
- Did it hurt?
- Yeah, a little.
But I'm a man, I can take it.
But after a while, it felt good.
I don't know, I guess Jason
knows how to hit a prostrate.
- Prostate.
- Whatever.
I wouldn't want to do it again,
but I certainly wouldn't want
to take a dick in the mouth,
but it didn't feel bad.
- Hey, nice work today, Chad,
You can really take a dick
and then keep on ticking.
And nice work to you too, Biff.
I really hope to work with
you guys again sometime.
(horn honks)
Ah, that's my ride.
Well, catch you guys later.
- That guy's nuts.
- Yeah, and the rest of him.
- No, no I...
- [Jason] So I spoke with
the nurse at the hospital.
They said Thoby is going to be fine,
but not in time for the gig tonight.
- Damn it.
What are we going to do?
- I don't know, we could cancel.
- Cancel, I've been stringing
this guy along for weeks
setting this up.
It's got to be tonight.
Who can we trust?
- One of the new guys, Chad or Biff?
- They're good.
Biff's a little stiff sometimes.
But Chad was going all
the way with you today.
He seems like he's up for anything.
- Or down for anything.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've been intimate enough with him
that I think we can trust him,
but we have to keep the
stash location a secret.
- Sure, I mean it's tattooed
on Thoby's butt anyway,
and he's not coming with us.
- All right, great.
I'll invite Chad along to us tonight.
- But do you think...
- Pay days!
Here you are.
There you go, boys.
- Did you hear that? The location all the
loot is at, is tattooed on Thoby's butt.
- That's why he won't drop trou.
- Exactly.
Okay, you're gonna need to find Thoby
and do some ass reconnaissance.
- How do I get his pants off?
- Dude, do what you have to.
Pants him, strip him, seduce him.
- Seduce him, he's straight.
- So are you.
Look, if there's anything I've
learned from this experience,
that it's hard to say no to
anything when you got a hard dick.
Slip on your emergency
viagra and see what happens.
- It's not emergency viagra,
if you keep using it, you know.
- Sup, hey Chad, can we talk?
(electronic music)
- So you just want me
to video what goes down?
- Yeah.
You know, Clem and I will
take care of the heavy lifting.
I mean, if you want to join in,
you're more than welcome to,
but most of these guys are pretty ugly.
- This one's kind of a silver fox, I think.
- Okay Clem honey, we do
not have the need nor the time
to go over your daddy issues again.
- What can I say?
I'm attracted to powerful men
who might want to spank me.
- Spank you?
- For my own good. (laughs)
- Yeah well, I hear this
one wants to get spanked
his own self.
- I have to spank him?
Oh, I hate a waste of a perfectly
good older man archetype.
I just...
- Okay, all right.
Well anyway Chad, you'll
be doing some sexy stripping
while Clem and I do the real seducing.
And then when I give you the signal,
whip out the video camera.
All right, hold on.
We're actually here.
- What the?
- Oh yeah, we got to make a quick stop
before we hit the gig.
- Why here?
- You know the place?
- Yes, I saw it on the
news or something I guess.
- Oh yeah, human interest.
This place is real heartwarming and shit.
- Hey, watch your mouth.
How's my hair?
- You look like an angel.
- We do not have time for this.
- Hello, can I help?
Oh Stanley.
This is unexpected.
- Hello, Sister Dympnha.
I was hoping to see Clarence if I could.
- Well, it's a little
late, past visiting hours,
but I know you work odd hours as a,
what is it you do again?
- Utility pole technician.
- Yes, of course.
I'll go get Clarence and
see if we can get you
some private time.
You and your friends can wait here.
- So who's Clarence?
- Jason's grandfather.
He's the only family
he's got in this world.
Jason's parents were killed in a car wreck
when he was just a kid.
So Clarence raised him
as if he were his own son.
His wife had passed away years ago.
So it was a struggle, but he did it.
He loves that boy to death.
- Gramps.
- Then about a year ago,
Clarence started to get really sick.
Jason was giving all of
his money to keep him here
so he could be in good care.
He couldn't afford food, a haircut.
Hell, we nearly had to launch a gofundme
just to get him deodorant.
That's why we started our side hustle.
- That's, that's really sweet.
- So is Jason.
I've never met anyone like him.
He's going to make someone
a great husband someday.
- I thought you two were...
- No no, I may be a lot
of things to a lot of people,
but husband material, I am not.
(soft piano music)
- Hey!
- That's it, easy does it.
Nice and slow.
- Thanks for coming again, Zooey.
I really appreciate it.
- Don't worry about it, Boo.
I got Sarah to pick up my shift
and I had to come when
I heard you were sick.
- Thanks bro.
Ooh.
- You okay?
You need to get back into bed.
- Maybe back in bed with you.
- Listen, I want to fuck you
too if you're feeling better,
but I'm not doing it in a hospital.
Once I saw this movie
where this guy and girl
were boning in a hospital room
and then these ghosts started
coming out of blood bags
and possessing them.
And then they died of too much fucking.
- That's just a movie, babe.
- So's "Jaws", but sharks are real too.
- What?
- Listen, you like these?
- Yeah.
- They want you, they
hunger for you to taste them.
- Oh yeah.
- But you're not getting them
until we get out of this
spooky ass hospital room.
- Uh fine.
- But the good news is,
you can have all you want
when we get back to your place.
- Can we do your place?
I had to fire the maid.
She was drinking on the job again.
- I'll humor you because you've been sick.
Fine, my place.
Now get your clothes on
and let's get out of here
before the blood ghosts get us.
- Okay.
- Oh hey look, it's one of the new guys.
- Hey Biff, what's up dude?
You came to check up on me?
Thanks a lot, man, I
really appreciate that.
- Yeah, all the other guys had a gig,
so they sent me to check up on you.
- Well, we can't ignore the gigs.
It's our real bread and butter.
- So is everything okay?
You got your pants on.
- Yeah, the doctor gave
me a clean bill of health
and I feel like there must
have been something strange
in that cupcake I had though.
Was I the only one that got sick?
- Yeah, only one.
- Huh well, that's good to hear.
Zooey and I are going to get out of here,
head home and knock boots.
But thanks again for coming, man.
I really appreciate it.
It's the little things that mean a lot.
- I just, yeah.
- What is it, Biff?
- Yeah Biff, what is it?
Come on, spit it out.
- I love you.
I want to have sex with you.
- Ah, that is so sweet.
- Sweet?
- My man is so hot, he
turns everybody's head.
Don't you, baby?
- I do get a lot of proposals.
- He is what I like to call man pretty.
- I get it.
You know, I'm hard to resist.
With the hair, the eyes, the beer can cock,
but yeah, I got a lot going on
and it's easy to get distracted, yeah.
I'm mostly straight.
Though I might fuck dudes on camera,
I try to save my cock for the lady.
- And I love it.
- She does, but you've been so nice.
You know, and coming
to visit me in the hospital,
I feel like we can throw you a bone.
Are you totally gay?
- What do you mean?
- What I mean is, if you want to come home
and have a threesome with Zooey and I,
I think we'd both be into it.
Right precious?
- Thoby, you're so good to me.
You mean I get to have you both?
- If Biff's not too gay for it.
What do you say, Biff?
You come home, help
me pleasure my girlfriend
and in return, I'll let you suck
my cock while she watches.
Sound good?
- Yeah.
- Perfect, now let's get out of here
before the blood ghosts show up.
- What?
(video game beeps)
(Clem squeals)
- Dude, bored.
I'm gonna go for a
walk, I'll be right back.
- Andy?
Andy, what are you doing here?
Did you come to visit me at work?
- That's right, I missed you.
And I wanted to see you.
- That is so sweet.
What did I do to deserve a guy like you?
- Ooh, just lucky I guess.
Hey, let's say we go
find a room and make out.
- I can't.
- But I want to tell you
about the movie I'm in.
- Oh, that's right.
The, the movie.
I forgot I'm dating an actor.
Oh my God, that's so sexy.
Look, let's go find a room.
My office.
- Make yourselves comfortable, boys.
- I'm gonna grab a beer, babe.
You want one?
- [Zooey] You know it.
- Beer, Biff?
- Thanks.
- Now Biff, don't be scared.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
- I'm not scared.
- That's my brave little soldier.
You are very handsome.
Has a girl ever told you that before?
- Don't terrify the gay boy too much, babe.
- Oh, I'm just having a little fun.
You're not really scared, are you Biff?
- No.
- It's sweet kissing girls, isn't it?
We have such soft lips.
- Yeah.
- Oh, you're not jealous
of him, are you Pookie?
- No, we both know why he's here.
What he really wants,
(unzips pants)
is this.
- Yeah.
- Oh look, he's scared.
Can't even look at it in the eye.
Oh go on, Biff, give it a little taste.
(mystical music)
- Oh yes, yes, give it to me.
Marilyn Monroe.
Oh, I'm in a movie.
A sexy, sexy movie.
The Seven Year...
Oh fuck.
Gentlemen prefer, oh God.
I'm on a movie set.
My skirt is blowing up.
We're doing it in front of everyone.
Everyone watching us, filming it.
Oh God, I have to play my part.
I have to be your slut.
Oh, give it to me, Brando.
(mystical music)
Yes yes, I'm Meryl Streep,
the greatest actress of our age.
Getting real, going deep
inside the actors studio.
Oh God, I'm in "Postcards from the Edge".
I'm in "The Hours".
I'm an actress, no.
I'm a seagull, no.
I'm an actress.
- Ugh, are you okay?
- Shut up and give it
to me, Pierce Brosnan.
Oh, Mamma Mia.
- Give us a little show,
babe, a little booty dance.
- Yeah, I want to see those cakes.
- I don't know.
- Dance, baby.
Shake what your daddy gave you.
- All right, if you insist.
- Ooh yeah.
Yes, stud.
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
- You, get up there and dance with him.
- Really?
- Go on, get that man.
Guy on guy is so hot.
Take your shirts off, beefcakes.
(mystical music)
- Oh fuck yeah.
I'm Sandra Bullock.
"The Blind Side", "Hope Floats",
Hope floats.
- What is all the ruckus?
- Sister Dympnha!
- Jesus, Mary and Joseph in Tinseltown.
What in the name of Christ?
(Andy groans)
- You know, I bet Zooey
would enjoy this a lot more
if we took our pants off.
- You're a smart man, Biff.
- Oh fuck yes.
You guys are so hot.
Whoo!
Fuck yes, take him.
(mystical music)
- What happened to you in there?
- Oh, I got laid.
- Nice, wait.
I thought you were monogamous
with your transgender fiance.
- Oh yeah, they work here.
- Not one of the nuns.
- No.
- I don't know any guys who...
- Come on.
- Hey, I gotta take a piss first.
- Whatever, just hurry up, man.
We've got a senator to scam.
Oh man!
(electronic music)
- Come on.
- Oh God, oh God, oh God.
Oh God, it's amazing.
- Like that, bitch?
- Oh yeah.
- Oh God, oh God.
- I was talking to Zooey.
- Yeah, of course you were.
(all scream)
- Yeah, that's it.
- Stop talking and kiss me some more.
- Kevin look, if you get this,
we're going to 129 Main.
I just found out some
crazy shit about Jason.
He's like a noble guy and shit.
He's like Robin Hood.
Works some kind of...
- [Jason] Hurry up, Chad.
- Look, I got to go.
(electronic music)
What's going on with Clem?
- Clem likes to hype himself up
by listening to dramatic music
before each gig.
Oh the Wells Fargo
wagon is a comin' down
- Hey Chad, don't worry.
All right, we do this all the time.
It's like acting,
- I'm not worried.
- No, you seem tense.
You know, it's just another
way for us to use our bodies
to get what we want.
I know you're new to
porn, but you'll learn.
- I don't know if I want to learn.
- Why, you've already gone so deep?
It would be a shame to pull out now.
- What do you mean?
- I just mean that working in porn is like
being a coal miner.
You know, we torture our bodies
in the service of a greater good,
like coal miners, but we
sacrifice for what we want,
what we need and a surprising amount of us
come from Pennsylvania.
- Yeah, I understand.
Your grandfather.
- Clem told you.
- Yeah, he seems very important to you.
- Yeah, you know he
doesn't have a lot of time left.
And neither one of us
wants him wasting his life
in that nursing home.
Staring out a window, just waiting.
- You'd do anything for him.
- He did everything for me.
You still seem nervous.
- Nope.
- Maybe you're a little
nervous because you're a cop
and you don't want to
go on this big adventure.
- What, what are you talking about?
- Hey it's okay, relax.
Clem doesn't know yet,
but I'm friends with
Rebecca at the nursing home.
I saw the two of you go off together.
I remember her talking
about her cop of a boyfriend.
Pieces just kind of fell into place.
Honestly, I'm just surprised to find
out that she's, or he's transgender.
- She's not transgender.
- More lies.
Ah, CIS are at it again.
You know, I met a straight
wedding planner the other day.
Can't we have anything?
- Are you gonna expose me?
- I'm pretty sure you've
exposed yourself already.
Several times.
Honestly, that's how
I was starting to think
I could trust you.
- You trust me.
- I'm starting to.
But look, Chad,
first off, Chad is not
your real name, right?
I mean, nobody is actually
called Chad, are they?
- My uncle's named Chad.
- What is your name?
- Andy, it's Andy.
- Andy.
That is not nearly as sexy as I was hoping.
- Well excuse me, Stanley.
- Oh, touche.
So Andy, you're a cop
and you're mostly straight.
I mean straight enough to
have a cisgender girlfriend.
- Fiance.
- Okay, but you have been using your body
to get what you want
for the greater good, right?
- I guess so.
- And I'm guessing that your big
buddy, Biff, is also an undercover cop.
Listen, I'm not gonna
ask you to expose him.
Okay, actually gives
you plausible deniability
if you come out on the gig tonight.
- You still want me along?
- Possibly, Clem and I still need a third.
Thoby is out of commission.
And you were planning on
helping out tonight anyway, right?
- Right.
- And you kind of like this, don't you?
I mean, it is the most
exciting part of your life
and you kind of want to be me, don't you?
- Kinda.
(jazz music)
- Oh shit.
- What the hell was that?
- Ugh, so bright.
- I don't know, guys.
Lightning I think.
It looks like it's going
to rain, I should go.
- Okay.
(jazz music)
- Shit, shit, shit.
Shit.
129 Main Street, that's
only a few blocks away.
Do I even have my wallet?
Never even used these.
Huh, guess I'll have to try them next time.
Not that there will be a next time.
(playful music)
- [Jason] Thank you Senator Hansen.
- Please, there's no need
to stand on formalities.
And honestly, I'd rather you didn't.
You may call me the Scarlet Pimpernel.
- Well, it's a lovely place you have here.
- Oh, foolish child.
I would never allow someone
of your carnal profession
into my own estate.
- Well then who lives here?
- Mother.
She lets me have the run of the place
while she's out of town,
helping build the wall.
83 years old and
nobody lays brick like her.
- Well, nobody lays pipe like me,
- Oh ho ho, such wit.
Champagne?
Oh, I'm sorry, are you
boys old enough to drink?
- I am.
- We are.
- Pity, help yourself.
- I'm afraid we have very little time
for pre-party, Pimpernel.
I get no kick from champagne.
- [Senator] Oh, I love Cole Porter.
Cupcakes then?
- No, thank you.
- Very well.
Although I do think we ignore
the romance of the situation
at our peril.
We may as well get down to brass tacks.
Your $4,000 is on the table there.
You may begin disrobing
my fine young gentlemen.
- As you wish.
- I got to go pee first.
- [Senator] Oh certainly my boy.
Right down the hall on the left.
- Well, about time you
tracked these guys down.
- Chief Zannini, what's going on?
Rick, T.J., what's going on here?
- This is a sting operation.
You and Kevin aren't
the only ones we've had
working on this case.
We've had another informant
on the inside the whole time.
(Pierre speaks in foreign language)
- Do you mean, that me and
Kevin have been doing this
for nothing?
Do you realize what we did?
What we had done to us?
- Oh, we know.
We saw the tapes.
- Nice ass, bucko.
(Pierre speaks in foreign language)
- A sexpot is what he is.
- A gay sexpot.
- The most hilarious kind.
Now that I know you like anal,
you'll be more fun in the precinct showers.
- Guys, I don't like it.
I'm just sacrificing my body for the job
for the greater good, like a coal miner.
- You're being a thirsty
cockslut is the greater good.
I think.
- Kevin too.
He's got a fine little
ass for a slutty gay dude.
- Guys, I'm not at all...
- Quiet boys.
And quit your whining.
Andy, while you and Kevin
were busy dicking around,
- Literally.
- Yes, that was the joke.
While you two were busy dicking around,
we had to close this case
by any means necessary.
It's our job as police to protect
and support the government.
- I don't believe it.
- You'd better believe it.
- Now you're gonna have to get
one of those other guys to film.
Otherwise we're only going to be able to
bust them on prostitution, not blackmail.
- Okay.
- You better get out there
before Jason and Clem get suspicious.
- Yes, yes, this is perfect.
Do tell me, what are you thinking?
What's going on in your
minds while you dance?
- Well, "Godspell", "Cats" and "Hair"
all have the same basic structure.
They are all musical reviews on a theme.
Given the barest semblance of plot
by having someone die at the end.
- And I am not thinking about anything.
- And your little friend is back.
How nice we have the
whole trio together again.
Take off your clothes.
(disco music)
- You ready to get kinky, Scarlet?
- No, you know just what I like.
Please show no restraint
in your restraints.
How do you want me, boys.
Face down or up?
- Down bitch.
- Yes, sir.
- You start shooting.
- You take the camera.
I'll get his feet.
- You are really into this, aren't you?
- Well, what can I say?
I know what this fucker voted against.
- Oh.
(paddle slaps)
- Ooh, spankings.
Oh, such fun.
Ooh, reminds me of my
time in skull and bones.
- Quiet, pig.
- Smile for the camera, Senator Hansen.
- Wait, what?
You have cameras?
This rendezvous was
supposed to be entre nous.
- Yeah, we've got cameras
and we'll be broadcasting your shame
and humiliation to the entire country.
Unless you comply with our demands.
How do you think your
conservative constituents
will feel when they see you like this?
- No, you can't.
You mustn't, you shouldn't.
What do you want, you monsters?
- First, more spankings.
(paddle slapping)
- Yes, I mean, no.
I'll give you whatever you want.
- No more spankings.
- No, more spankings.
(paddle slaps)
- What can you offer us, Senator?
- Jewels.
(paddle slaps)
Furs, what do you want?
- Cold hard cash always does it for me.
- (sighs) You know, you'd think I'd learn.
- Freeze, you blackmailing homos.
Whoo!
- Holy shit, a bust.
- Andy, you set us up?
- Kind of, not really on purpose.
- What the fuck is this,
consorting with the enemy?
- Yeah, he's been consorting all right.
Get your over ass over here.
- And keep your pants off, slut.
- Who the fuck is Andy?
- Our friend over here is
actually an undercover cop.
I thought we had an arrangement,
but apparently he wants
to sleep above the covers.
Metaphorically.
- It's like you said,
Jason, it's all acting.
I'm not as different as
much as you pretend.
- Could someone untie me please?
(paddle slaps)
- Shut up, Scarlet.
This isn't about you.
- But this is about you.
Get them, boys.
- Not so fast, my little copper tops.
(karate chops)
- You!
- It's me, Piata Debris.
And I sting like a bee.
Pierre, we have a score to settle.
(accordion plays)
- I have nothing to
declare, except my genius.
- There was never any doubt, mon amour.
But this betrayal, why?
- What did you expect?
Life is like the flame of a lamp.
When there is no more oil, it goes out.
And it is all finis.
- Oh dear, I knew you were a genius.
But I never suspected
that you were a nihilist.
- But of course, I am French.
- Oh oui.
Let me bind your wrists.
- I don't understand what's going on.
- Pinata has been in charge of
all of our extracurricular
gigs we've been doing.
- That's right, Chad.
We got word about your
sting operation tonight
and Hank and I decided
to jump in and sting back.
- His name ain't Chad, it's Andy.
- Well, who doesn't have a nom de scene?
- No, it's not his poor name.
He's an undercover cop.
He's been working with these rancid pigs.
- Rancid!
I will kill you, you
pornographic slotbucket.
- I don't think so.
I have you right where I want you.
Okay, tie everyone up and put them in bed
with Senator Hansen.
Meanwhile, we'll head out with the cash
and we can blackmail
these twerps later. (laughs)
- Can we strip them first?
- The cute ones, sure.
- Don't you fucking try to strip me.
- Girl please, I said the cute ones.
- Ooh, burn.
- But Pierre, oh my sweet, sweet Pierre.
I shall miss your cinematography skills.
You really had a great eye.
Strip him, boys.
(electronic music)
- Everybody freeze, this is a bust.
- Triple sting.
- Oh, I think I have the wrong house.
Don't mind me, I'll just be going.
- I don't think so, Biff.
Okay, so if Chad is actually really Andy,
then what's your real name?
- Kevin, Kevin.
- And you work for this sour
milkface of a police chief as well?
- Hey!
- They were working without us.
Joanne and the other guys,
they set up this sting operation.
I had no idea it was
happening until I got here.
- Is that Rick and T.J. on
the couch, being pantsed?
- Yeah, and they're being total assholes.
They set us up just to have all kinds
of gay sex, for their entertainment.
While they did the real police work.
- That's awful.
- Sons of bitches.
- So Pinata, what should
we do with these traitors?
- Well, I think they've
been tortured enough.
Why don't we just go down to the bar,
and we'll figure everything out?
You boys almost done?
- I will find you and I
will have my revenge.
- Gag me with a spoon.
Ooh, that's a good idea.
Gag her.
- With a spoon?
- No.
- Andy, look.
- Yeah, that's a picture of an ass.
- That's Thoby's ass.
I have a map to their stash.
- Let me see.
Oh, that's St. Agnes of course.
- Isn't that where your fiance works?
- Yeah.
I've already been there with Jason
and I know where
they've stashed everything.
- Hey, hey that's great.
We can still pull this out.
We can still be heroes.
- Yeah, of course.
- Oh, you got my call.
- Are these my new scene partners?
- Absolutely.
(Pinata giggles)
- Well that was the final amount of money
that I need to leave porn.
Jason Waterfalls is
hanging up the jockstrap.
I'm gonna head over to St. Agnes right away
and bust Gramps out.
- St. Agnes?
- I'm going to start a new life.
- Don't go, Jason Waterfalls.
- How long have you
been waiting to say that?
- Far far too long.
- Now all I need is to find
a man to be my husband.
- Oh Jason, you'll find someone.
- Oh, I know.
- So I got to go.
- Yeah yeah, me too.
- Well, you boys have
certainly caused us some trouble,
but I guess in the long
run, there's no harm done.
Just don't breathe a word
of what you know to anyone
and we won't have to kill you. (giggles)
- Kill us?
- You think this is a fucking game.
- I will kill you.
I will kill you dead.
I'll use pliers and bleach
and sandpaper and shit.
And no one will even be
able to identify your bodies
when I get through with you.
- Don't fuck with Piata Debris, boys.
You'll regret it. (laughs)
Toodles.
(suspenseful music)
- Okay if I'm right, the
rooms are just through there.
So you go around front,
introduce yourself as a friend of Stanley's
and keep the nuns in charge occupied.
- Who's Stanley?
- No one, it's a code.
It's like a friend of
Dorothy or a friend of Bill W.
Just tell them that something's
happened to Stanley,
and you need to ask them some questions.
Show your badge.
- How can something
have happened to Stanley
if he's not even a real person?
- He is a real person like
Dorothy Parker or Bill Waterston.
He's just not here.
Never mind.
The point is just do the
usual reconnaissance thing.
Like you're trying to track down
a missing person, and it's Stanley.
- So Stanley's not here
because he's missing.
- Yeah sure, go with that.
- Okay.
- Okay, and while the nuns are distracted,
I'll sneak in, find Clarence's bed
and the stash of stuff hidden under it.
- Dude, don't you
think it'll be a little weird
going through some old dude's bed?
- Look, don't make me think about it.
You insisted on this
and we've got work to do.
Okay, now break.
(suspenseful music)
- Hello, can we help you?
- Yes, I'm a friend of Stanley
and I'm here with the police.
- The police?
- Oh my, has something happened?
- Yes, I'm afraid Zooey's gone missing.
- Angels and ministers of grace defend us.
- Hamlet, Act One Scene Four.
- So I'll need to ask you some questions.
- Yes, of course of course.
Please come in.
But first we'll do a strip search.
- Strip search?
- I'm afraid so.
We've really tightened
up security these days.
- I'm sure you've read
about it in the papers.
- Well sure, that's really necessary?
- Officer, if there's anyone you can trust,
it's nuns like us.
Sister Margaretta will take care of you.
- Okay.
(suspenseful music)
- Speaking of cops and robbers,
what are you doing here, Andy?
- Haven't you figured that out?
- I want you to say it.
- I'm here to collect
evidence for my investigation.
- You are here to rob me.
Cops and robbers.
- I guess you could say that.
- How could you do this, Andy?
Don't you know what I've worked for?
Everything I'm trying to achieve.
I loved my time in porn,
but it's time to move on.
Be a grown-up, be a man.
I've been taking care
of my responsibilities.
And now I can finally give
my grandfather his dying wish.
And you want to ruin all that?
- I don't want to, it's my job.
- Is it?
- My job is on the line here.
If I go back with nothing
to show from all this,
but some crazy stories
and a penchant for sodomy,
I'm finished.
- Then why go back?
- What?
- Why go back?
I'm heading out to another city,
another town someplace
where Gramps and I will be safe.
You can come with us.
- With you, why?
- Because I've been looking for a partner
and you, you're beautiful.
And maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think
you would hate being
my boyfriend all that much.
- Boyfriend, you really
have to use that word.
- We can stick with partner for a while.
If it makes you feel more butch.
But I think you'd come around.
- No, no, no, I can't.
I'm a cop, I have, I have to go.
- Kiss me.
- I have to tell them what's going on here.
- Right here, kiss me.
- I shouldn't.
- Kiss me.
- Andy, that is your name, isn't it?
- Yes sir.
- Well, it looks like you've got a possibly
life-changing decision to make.
And I get it.
You're scared you might
make the wrong choice.
And so I'm here to help
you make the right one.
Now, be a good man and
start with the smooching.
(dramatic music)
- So what happens now?
- I don't know.
We don't have to worry
about money, for a bit at least.
Gramps does have a bucket list.
(Jason laughs)
(orchestral music)
(audience applauds)
- The nominees for the best
LGBTQ Video of the Year are,
"The Prince and the Pauper",
Bleeding Unicorn Productions.
"Who's Afraid of Vagina",
Kettle of Fish Productions.
And finally, "The Triple
Sting", Candy Reign Productions.
And the winner of the best
LGBTQ Video of the Year goes to,
goes to,
envelope, please.
"The Triple Sting",
Candy Reign Productions.
- I knew it, yes.
Oh come to mama.
- Candy Reign Productions has
been nominated three times previously,
for "Three Blowjobs
Outside Cumming Mississippi",
"On Golden Dong" and "The Ass Menagerie".
This is their first win.
(audience applauds)
- This is incredible.
I, I am honored and I am so touched
that you love my work so much. (crying)
Sorry.
I promised myself I wouldn't fake cry,
but it's happening right now.
I want to dedicate this
award to my colleagues,
our amazing cinematographer, Clem.
(audience applauds)
And of course our star.
For those of you who were watching earlier,
you saw him get the Best Newcomer Award
earlier this evening.
Biff Wellington.
(audience applauds)
Thank you, thank you so much.
I guess you could say
that it was meant to Debris.
- I don't get it.
(Pinata cries)
- I fucking love that woman.
(audience applauds)
(electronic music)
I wonder where you are
From the backseat of my car
I know she just wants to
I'm better now
I listen to your heart
And messes me apart
I wish that I was too
I'm better now
I'm searching your body I
want your lips back again
Right where we started but I realize
I still foresake you
And see you
I play these wistful games
I want you just the same
I know that things don't change
It's never now
When it's all fallen through
I still can't get round you
I've tried but don't want to
You're better now
I'm searching your body I
want your lips back again
Right where we started but I realize
I still foresake you
And see you
I'd give all of the money
to get your heart back
All the money to have your heart back
I still foresake you
Can't see you
Sleepless nights restless days
All my dreams end the same
I wake up watch you fade into the dark
Now I'm searching your
body want your lips back again
Right where we started but I realize
I still forsake you
And see you
I'd give all of the money
to have your heart back
All of the money to
have your heart back
(electronic music)
- [Dispatch] Officer Andy, Officer Kevin,
perp driving by your position.
I repeat, perp driving by your position.
Perp stole a bunch of dildos
from the AARP Women's Auxiliary Group.
Christ, are you guys sleeping again?
He's going to go past you anytime now.
He just went past you.
Yep, getting away.
Andy, Kevin, wake up.
(tires peeling)
- [Andy] Yeah, I don't have my seatbelt on.
[Kevin] Who are we chasing?
[Dispatch] There is a
perp ahead in a Torino,
going about 45 in a 65 mile per hour zone.
He stole a bunch of dildos
and you're the only team in the area.
He sees you, he's turning into
the last remaining Rojack Supermarket.
- [Andy] We're going in.
(glass breaking)
- [Dispatch] Are you guys
driving through the supermarket?
- [Kevin] We go where life takes us.
Ooh, there's a special two for $4
on graham crackers.
Go right a little, go right a little.
(tires screech)
- [Kevin] Ah balls!
[Andy] We're out.
[Dispatch] He's heading
toward the nuclear power plant.
If he crashes his car into it,
it'll be Chernobyl all over again.
Hey, are you guys coming
over to the barbecue
I'm having Sunday?
- [Andy] Sure am.
- [Kevin] Save me some chicken.
[Dispatch] Bring your
swim trunks and a lot of lube.
Now crash into this guy before
we have a nuclear holocaust.
(guns firing)
- [Andy] Are you okay?
- [Kevin] I peed a little.
Well, I peed a lot, like a whole lot.
Let's go get this dildo thief.
- [Dispatch] He's out of his car
and climbing onto a roof. Go, go, go.
- You lost the loot.
And the perp killed himself.
(electronic music)
- Stop, police, freeze.
- Put your hands where we can see them.
- Just put down the bag of Bruin dildos
and nobody gets hurt.
- No way.
These things are worth
their weight in gold.
(slaps Kevin)
- Kevin!
- I'm okay, I'm okay.
Whoo, just a little cock-eyed.
- What if I return the dildos?
- No no, nobody can tell that
you haven't used them already.
That's a health code violation right there.
- Okay then.
I regret nothing.
Noooo!
- I was surprised at how quickly
those dildos disappeared.
- They were worth a lot of money.
- He's dead.
Well, he died the way he would've wanted.
- Covered in sex toys.
- Well, we'll just chalk
that up to another failure.
- Hey, failure is just another
way of saying success.
Look, my landlord does it all the time.
I mean, granted his
English is terrible, but...
- So since you're both free now,
I've got another case on the books.
If you numbnuts can handle it.
- Well, you can count on
us to fail or succeed, Chief.
- Great, what do you
know about Republicans?
- They don't care about people.
- Hey, I'm a Republican.
- What, really?
- You two are partners and
you've never discussed this.
- Well, I think it's boring
to talk about politics.
- I think there are good
people on both sides.
- Well, I'll give you
some time to unpack that.
Our latest victim came to us
under condition of anonymity
because he's a Republican senator.
- These guys, they're porno stars,
and you know, you can also
pay them to do stuff to you,
but they tied me up and took my money.
They made me give them the combination to
my safe, or they'd tell everyone who I was.
They have video and pictures of me.
I can't let those get out.
They're monsters.
- We've got 17 of these poor saps
who are all getting ripped
off by these gay porn stars.
- 17, that's some serious shit.
- Nearly every male Republican politician
on the Eastern seaboard.
- Is every Republican
politician secretly gay?
- Secretly might not
be the word I would use.
- Hey, that's not true.
Okay look, when you
gotta be good all of the time,
you just, you gotta blow off steam somehow.
- What?
- Look, a man gets lonely, okay?
You know, like when
he's in prison or the Navy,
or a boy band.
- Yeah, I'm not going
down that rabbit hole.
(phone beeps)
Rick, T.J., bring in the porn.
- Hey losers, heard you
screwed up the dildo heist.
- Yeah, too much dicking around.
- Shut up guys.
- Yeah, why are you always such dicks?
- We're good at it.
- No time for dick-swinging
intimidation boys.
We've got work to do.
- (laughs) You like these
kind of movies, boys?
Naughty Frat Sluts, Triple X Volume 13.
- I like frat sluts.
- No, you don't, dude.
These are the gay kind.
- Oh, frat sluts.
- Thank you, guys.
You can go, we'll call you if we need you.
- Fine, catch you later losers.
- Screw off!
- Now pay attention.
These are the perps.
Jason, Thoby,
and Clem.
They work for Candy Reign Entertainment,
a porn company here in town.
- I've heard of them.
- Really?
I had no idea there was
a gay porn factory here.
- Don't be naive, Andy.
- I just watched a man plummet to his doom
and get crushed under the
weight of a bag of rubber dicks.
How am I naive?
- Anyway, the politicians
have us up against a wall.
Unless we want the
government to cut off our funding,
we have got to stop the blackmail,
and if possible, the
prostitution on top of that.
- Okay, how do you expect us to do that?
- You two are going undercover.
- As Republican politicians?
Some kind of sting operation?
- Not quite.
You two are going to be porn stars.
- What?
- Porn stars?
- That's right.
You're going deep.
- But I'm not gay.
I mean, yeah sure.
Andy's bi, but he has a girlfriend.
- Dude, I'm going to
propose to Rebecca tonight.
It's our anniversary and I'm not gay.
- Sure you are.
You said that one time
you'd sleep with Zac Efron.
- Because he is pretty, like a girl.
If I had to.
I'm not gay.
- You're gonna have to
infiltrate these clowns,
penetrate their cover.
- What if they really want us to have sex?
(funky music)
- That's why we're sending both of you.
But if worse comes to worse,
you guys can fake it enough to the cameras.
We'll also send you with
some emergency viagra
in case you get separated.
- But.
- But.
- No buts, except the booty kind.
You two have screwed up for the last time.
Now you're going to take it in the butt.
(funky music)
- (laughs) Hey Broseph, nice
work on the rugby field today.
- Do you think so, man?
I thought I was distracted.
- Distracted?
What were you distracted by?
- You.
(funky music)
(whistle blows)
- [Both] Coach Reynolds!
- What the hell was going on in here?
My top two players going
at it in the locker room.
This is repulsive.
- Please Coach, don't tell.
We'll do whatever you want.
- Anything?
- Cut!
Jesus Christmas, Clem.
That's not the line.
(snaps)
Hank, what is it?
- It's "Please Coach, don't tell,
We'll do anything you want."
- That's right.
You have to say "anything," or else Thoby's
next line just doesn't make any sense.
- Sorry.
- Also, I think the line
is, "My two top players."
Not "My top two players, Toby."
- What's the difference?
- That's the way I wrote it,
and that's the way it's gonna be.
It's a top joke.
Like they're obviously bottoms.
It's subtle.
[All] Oh.
Let's take it again from when you
were coming back from the showers.
Excuse me, Ms. Debris.
It's almost 1:00 p.m. and
the new auditions are here.
- Well, ain't that a kick in the balls.
Okay everyone, that's lunch.
- Lunch?
- Hello boys, thanks for coming in.
What are your names?
- Chad.
- And I'm Biff.
- How nice, take off your pants.
- Already?
- Being a timid little
mouse is not a qualification
for a career in the adult film industry.
Understood?
(soft music)
Well, I think we have
some openings you might fit.
Let's see the rear views.
- Actually we're tops.
- Yeah yeah, total tops.
So butts not applicable.
- You know boys, everyone says that,
but you really should know
that the money's better for bottoms.
- I'm not that interested in the money.
- Oh, just doing it for kicks eh?
I've got your number, stud.
Let's cut to the chase.
In gay porn, everyone shows their ass.
Except Thoby, he has a
special clause in his contract
where he never takes his pants off.
It adds to his mystique.
- Can I get that special clause?
- A newbie like you?
With no clout?
(laughs) Doubt it.
Now spin around and show me your asses.
(soft music)
Oh, excellent, excellent.
You have spectacular glutes.
- Andy?
I don't know if I can do this.
(slaps butt)
- Chill out, Biff.
You'll get used to it.
Turn around, boys.
Now, we're shooting scene
two of our new frat movie
this afternoon.
We're in the need of a couple
naked extras for atmosphere.
If you guys are ready, Hank
can square away your contracts,
and you'll be getting paid in no time.
- I'm in.
You too, Biff?
- Yeah, yes.
- Great.
Hank?
- Yes, Ms. Debris?
- Get these boys' information.
They work for us now.
- Holy cannoli.
- Pick up your pants, boys.
You're distracting Hank.
- So I think we can pan across here.
I want sort of a Lawrence
of Arabia feel here.
As we see Jason's butt,
considered as rolling hills.
A landscape of the body, if you will.
- Oui oui, I will make a
mountain out of these molehills.
- Hey new guys, what's up?
I'm Jason, Jason Waterfalls.
- Hey, I'm Chad and this is Biff.
- Hey.
- Clem.
- Thoby, what up?
- It's a little awkward meeting new people
when we're all nearly naked.
- You get used to it.
It's always nice to meet some fresh meat,
and you're real cute.
- Yeah, you guys got some nice asses.
We get to fuck you in a later scene?
- No.
I mean no, we're basically tops.
- Wow.
I hope you have the
statistics to back that up.
- Well, we're just voyeurs
in the scene anyway.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, so let's talk this out.
Clem's gonna be fucking Jason here,
while he blows me.
You guys are just gonna watch?
- Well yeah, that's all they told us to do.
- You know, the Nazis
also did what they were told.
- Those guys were gay as hell
and revved up on speed.
- Okay we good, we good?
Okay, and start with the fucking and roll.
(triumphant music)
- Oh yeah.
Coach, so glad I joined the team.
- All right, pay attention you two.
- Yes sir.
- Yes sir.
- You need to work together as a team
and I don't think you're
learning your lesson well enough.
You, slap your teammates' ass.
- Yes sir.
(slap)
- Yeah, you want to get into it.
It's all about teamwork.
Now you!
- Sir?
- Come over here and lick my nipples.
My hands are kind of busy.
- Yes sir.
(funky music)
(dramatic music)
- Hey coach, can I get in on this too?
I want to be a real part of the team.
I want to fuck too.
- [Coach] Help yourself.
- Oh, praise Jesus.
- That good?
- I feel him in my belly.
(Andy growls)
- I'm going to win all the awards for this.
(funky music)
- What the hell was that, man?
You just jump in there
and start fucking a guy?
- Kevin, these are the guys.
We've got to make them trust us.
We have to make them
think we're gay, like they are.
- It's just weird is all.
- Dude, think about it.
If we're not going to join in, then
how are we going to get in their circle?
- Oh, you got in that
guy's circle all right.
How was it?
- Honestly, it felt good.
I mean, I had anal sex before with chicks.
It's always good,
but this time was with
someone who wanted it.
- It's just...
- Hey new guys!
Really great work today.
- Yeah, you really plowed
me to heck and back, Chad.
You got a real future in this business.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, a real team player, I like that.
You too, squirt.
- You really looked disgusted and ashamed
at what you had to do in that scene.
- Thanks.
- Hey, the boys and I,
we usually head down to
Scudders for a few beers
after a shoot to wind down.
You wanna tag along?
- We'd love that, wouldn't we Biff?
- Yeah.
(soft music)
- So how'd you get into porn?
You paying for your tuition at MIT?
- Nope, I just love the dick.
- You love this dick.
- Ah, shots for everyone.
- Hey!
- Holy shit!
- Zooey, coming in with a hookup.
- Hey, it's the least I can do.
So Jason told me you made
some new buddies, huh?
- Yeah, so this is Biff, and Chad.
And Zooey's a bartender here.
- Zooey's the best.
- You boys flatter me.
- Thanks for the shots, sweetheart.
To filmmaking.
- [All] To filmmaking.
- Um so I...
- Hey, relax Chad.
Listen, Clem and I like
to bring cool new friends
into our fuck buddy
relationship all the time.
- Keeps it interesting.
Nothing serious.
We're just gonna get high and mess around.
You're welcome to join us.
- I'm sorry, you guys
are being really really nice,
but I've got a boyfriend.
- No need to apologize.
We'll just have to have our fun onscreen.
Sometimes it's hotter that way.
- In fact, I'm going to
propose to him tonight.
- Oh my God, that's so sweet.
Hey Zooey, can we get more shots please?
- What are you doing here with us?
You should go.
Romance should be cherished.
You go home and propose
right after you show us the ring.
Oh, it's gorgeous.
It's a little girly for a dude.
- He likes girly things.
He's transgender.
- Cool cool.
- Well, you do your boo boo.
- So Kev, Biff?
You good?
- Oh, don't worry about Biff.
We will take very good care of him.
- Yeah I'm cool, man.
I'm just being gay.
Hanging out with my gay porn friends.
- Oh, I'm not gay.
- Wait, what?
- Hey stud, I'm off in ten.
We hitting your place or mine tonight?
- Let's do yours.
- Yeah, Zooey and Thoby are together.
Thoby is just gay for pay.
- Which is a fucking shame
because that cock is insane.
- Hey listen, you boys may
get him when you're onscreen.
But at home, he's mine mine mine.
- You're a firecracker, babe.
- She's okay with all this?
- Well yeah, I mean,
you know how straight guys
like to watch two girls go at it?
Some girls like to watch guys together.
- Oh, it's such a turn-on.
My Thoby is so virile when
he's boning another guy.
- Yeah, Thoby's straight.
But don't worry though, Biff.
Jason and I are both
gay as the day is long.
- Okay, I'll leave you
single gay guys to it.
- Want to make out, stud?
- I got to pee, excuse me.
- Excuse me?
- Come here.
- I just don't think I can
go through with this man.
- Look, you don't have to
do anything you don't want to do,
but it would be really
helpful to this investigation
if you just man up and
get in with these guys.
- Easy for you to say.
You're engaged to a transgender man.
You don't have to go
sleep with two dudes, okay?
I've never done anything gay before.
- [Andy] Kevin, I already
fucked the shit out of Clem.
Don't be a pussy about this.
- Did you just call me a pussy
for not wanting to get fucked by two dudes?
What if they want booty stuff?
I've never...
- [Andy] Dude, just let
them know you're a top.
If they start blowing you, just close
your eyes and think of Christine Baranski,
and take your emergency
viagra if you need it.
Take one for the team.
Or two.
Look, I got to go propose to Rebecca.
Good luck.
- I couldn't help but overhear,
what with my ear pressed
flat against the door and all,
these are poppers.
Amyl nitrate.
It dilates your blood
vessels, speeds up your heart
and loosens your sphincter.
So you'll enjoy your
first anal sex a lot more.
Especially if you're doing
two guys for the first time.
You keep these, I've got more at home.
Godspeed.
- Okay studs, let's do this.
- Oh, right on.
- This is so nice.
We haven't spent enough time together.
- Our jobs keep us so busy.
You know, I spend as
much time as I can with you.
- I know.
And I'm proud to be
dating a big fancy detective.
- And I'm proud of you for
working at the old folks home.
- Oh, St. Agnes isn't an old folks home.
It's an assisted living
facility for the elderly
and terminally ill.
- Oh, sure, sorry.
- So I...
- I want...
You go first.
- Well, how did the big case turn out?
What are you working on now?
How was your day?
I love you so much, tell me everything.
- Bbefore we do that,
I'm going to get dessert.
- Oh, dessert?
- Yeah, I picked up some
cupcakes on the way home.
- Well I can't, I'm on a diet.
- But it's a special night.
It's our anniversary.
- I know, and I want it to be about us.
Not stupid sugar.
Tell me about your day.
I want to really connect with you.
- Kevin and I tied up that last case
and we got assigned a new one.
We're investigating some blackmailers.
- Ooh, that's so hot.
What are you doing?
- We're going undercover, baby.
- Oh yeah, as what?
- We're joining a gang of thieves.
They all work at the same place.
We're going to infiltrate them.
- You're so sexy.
What do they do?
- What?
- Where do they work?
What do they do?
- Um, movies, they make movies.
And they're very energetic too.
- Wow, movie stars.
And you and Kevin are
what, gaffers, key grips?
Best boys?
- Best boys, kind of.
We're extras.
- That's amazing.
You're going to be in the movie.
What's it about?
- Sports, sports.
It's a sports movie.
It's a film about a rugby team,
inter-team relations and team building.
Like "Rudy", except with
more locker room stuff.
- Oh wow.
My boyfriend's a movie star.
Just like Tom Hardy or Tom Cruise
or Tom Hanks.
I am so turned on right now.
Take me to bed.
- We should have our cupcakes first.
- Screw dessert.
I want you to fuck me, Tommy.
(glasses break)
(funky music)
I mean Andy.
(funky music)
- [Rebecca] Oh yes yes yes.
Give it to me.
(funky music)
- So dude, how did it go?
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Understood, and I
thank you for your sacrifice.
Was it worth it?
Did you get any good information?
- Only one thing.
After, after it was all over,
I heard Jason and Clem
talking about their plans for tonight.
It sounded like the three
of them have a new sting
planned for immediately
after this afternoon's shoot.
- Fuck, we've got to get in
them with them right away.
- What do we do though?
The three of them are so tight.
- I know they are.
- Okay, everyone.
So for today's shoot,
we're gonna go a little artsy.
I was inspired to make something political,
something edgy,
something that speaks to
the heart of the darkness
that is 21st century America.
Guess what the title is?
- Naughty Frat Sluts, volume 20.
- She has a way with words.
(actors clap)
- So everyone except for
Clem and our special guest star,
Nat Silver, is free for a half hour or so.
There are cupcakes in the craft table.
- Fuck yeah cupcakes.
- Don't overdo it, Jason.
We're not shooting the cozy
chubby porn until the fall.
- Do not fucking fat shame me, Hank.
- Okay so Pierre, start
in tight on Nat's cock.
Nat, drop trou for me, doll.
- Right.
- Gorgeous, we're so
glad you could guest star.
- Now take your socks off, Nat.
- The socks stay.
- No, the socks go.
- The socks stay or I walk in the socks.
- So this is how it's gonna be.
Fine, you win this round, Nat Silver,
but just so you know,
the house always wins in the end
and I am that house.
(Pinata hisses)
- Dude, what are we gonna do?
We have to get in their gang.
Surely they trust us by now.
- It's not about trust, they're a team.
That's it.
- What's it?
- If we incapacitate one of them,
they'll need to pick someone else,
and we've ingratiated ourselves enough,
that we'll be the first ones they think of.
- Incapacitate like how?
- We'll hurt them somehow.
Spring a leg, drop a sandbag.
- I don't want to hurt them.
- We've got to do something.
- I've got it, cupcakes.
- Keep them distracted.
- Hey, what's up guys?
Some day, huh?
- Yeah, it's nice to have some downtime
on these epic shoot days.
[Thoby] Plus, I have Nat standing
in for my usual dom role in this piece,
so it's less stress on me.
- Yeah, what's that all about?
Are there like stunts or
something in this one?
- No Pinata just needs some
rimming in a later scene,
and I don't take my pants off, you know?
It's in my contract.
Just whip the dick out, that's all you got.
- It adds to Thoby's mystery.
- Fascinating.
Hey, what's that all about man?
You don't want to show your bod?
- Oh no, it is too much
for mortal eyes to behold.
- No, it's just skinnier than I'd like.
Nobody needs to see that.
I'm gonna eat one of these cupcakes.
Oh, these are fancy.
- You're up, Jason.
Pinata needs you to start
rimming Nat in the next scene.
- (sighs) Fine.
- I'll save you a cupcake.
- Ah fuck yeah!
There you go, there you go.
Take it, bitch.
Yeah, ohh!
Ah yeah, fuck!
- Hey, hey.
There's something wrong with Thoby,
- Huh?
- What's going on?
We're filming here.
- Thoby is really sick.
We have to get him to the hospital.
- Oh no!
- Fuck, I was almost there.
- Cut, cut everyone.
Well, where is he?
Well, he's in the bathroom barfing.
- I think it was the
cupcakes, I threw them out.
- Oh sacre bleu!
- I always say no sugar on set.
Why does no one listen?
It's almost like you're
purposefully ignoring me.
- Everyone, calm down.
Hank, go call an ambulance.
We'll just have to
recast Thoby's part then.
Well Chad, you can do it, right?
- Yes ma'am.
- Don't you want to put
some clothes on, Nat?
- No, I'm good.
I figure I'm just gonna have
to take them off again later.
- A little distracting, that's all.
(Pierre speaks in foreign language)
- Whoa, whoa guys.
Can we stop discouraging Nat?
Okay, he has his own actor's process.
- Great, Hank?
Oh, he's calling the ambulance.
I'll do it myself.
Here are the pages.
Yeah, there's not much dialogue.
You'll just be fucking
Nat in the orgy scene.
- Looking forward to it.
- Okay, I called 9-1-1.
I think Thoby is going to be okay.
He barfed up most of the cupcake.
I think he should go to the
hospital anyways to be safe.
- Great.
Okay, now let's all take a
deep breath and hold hands.
Gather round.
Let's take a moment of
silent prayer for Thoby.
And then, after the ambulance comes,
we can just get on with the
rimming and sucking threesome.
Right?
- Dear God, it's your
favorite Jewish son, Nat Silver.
As is customary, I will first thank you
for the slammin' penis.
You're the tops in my book.
Next, please look after our friend, Thoby.
He is hurting and needs your help, and
not the kind of help where you ask someone
to go up a mountain and kill their only
child just to prove their love for you.
Dude, no offense, but
that's just fucked up.
I won't even go into the
whole pillar of salt thing.
You must've been tripping balls that day.
Now I know you're probably sad
that we're shooting this porn on Shabbat,
but fuck it, Lord.
We all have student loans to pay,
and those interest rates
are breaking our balls, Lord.
Now I know Nelmet and Great Lakes
and Discover Student Loan
Servicing are tests, Lord.
They are your gauntlets, but damn it,
we need that dumb son of a
bitch alive, and we need his tuchus,
his beautiful goyem tuchus,
full of hopes and promises,
rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Thank you, Lord.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And please Lord, look after my mother.
She is a beautiful yenta.
I'm gonna make her proud.
I'm gonna make her proud.
- Amen.
- Okay everyone, seeing as
how we have a little extra time,
I figured we'd shoot
a sexy fun film parody.
This movie will be a parody of "Aladdin".
- Oh no.
- What?
- We'll get sued if we
use the word Aladdin.
- No we won't.
- Yes, we will.
Remember when you did
that Game of Dongs parody?
We almost lost everything.
- Why are you arguing with me?
Is this about last night?
Oh, this is about last night, isn't it?
- I don't want to get into this with you
in front of everyone.
- Hold on, we can't say the word Aladdin
without getting sued?
- There's an old show business saying.
Fuck with the mouse, lose your house.
- Could they say it en francais?
Everything sounds so
much sexier en francais.
- No, no, no.
- I got it, we'll just
call it "Arabian Nights".
- Nope, that's copyrighted as well.
- Okay look, I took a viagra
for this scene, all right?
Those things last for four hours.
Not six, not five,
four hours.
So can we please get with the fucking,
while I still have my rage boner?
(funky music)
- What the hell, man?
You just got fucked by Jason.
- What, you think I don't know that?
I couldn't get it up.
Damn Rebecca and her sensual appetites.
I'm not made of stone.
- Did it hurt?
- Yeah, a little.
But I'm a man, I can take it.
But after a while, it felt good.
I don't know, I guess Jason
knows how to hit a prostrate.
- Prostate.
- Whatever.
I wouldn't want to do it again,
but I certainly wouldn't want
to take a dick in the mouth,
but it didn't feel bad.
- Hey, nice work today, Chad,
You can really take a dick
and then keep on ticking.
And nice work to you too, Biff.
I really hope to work with
you guys again sometime.
(horn honks)
Ah, that's my ride.
Well, catch you guys later.
- That guy's nuts.
- Yeah, and the rest of him.
- No, no I...
- [Jason] So I spoke with
the nurse at the hospital.
They said Thoby is going to be fine,
but not in time for the gig tonight.
- Damn it.
What are we going to do?
- I don't know, we could cancel.
- Cancel, I've been stringing
this guy along for weeks
setting this up.
It's got to be tonight.
Who can we trust?
- One of the new guys, Chad or Biff?
- They're good.
Biff's a little stiff sometimes.
But Chad was going all
the way with you today.
He seems like he's up for anything.
- Or down for anything.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've been intimate enough with him
that I think we can trust him,
but we have to keep the
stash location a secret.
- Sure, I mean it's tattooed
on Thoby's butt anyway,
and he's not coming with us.
- All right, great.
I'll invite Chad along to us tonight.
- But do you think...
- Pay days!
Here you are.
There you go, boys.
- Did you hear that? The location all the
loot is at, is tattooed on Thoby's butt.
- That's why he won't drop trou.
- Exactly.
Okay, you're gonna need to find Thoby
and do some ass reconnaissance.
- How do I get his pants off?
- Dude, do what you have to.
Pants him, strip him, seduce him.
- Seduce him, he's straight.
- So are you.
Look, if there's anything I've
learned from this experience,
that it's hard to say no to
anything when you got a hard dick.
Slip on your emergency
viagra and see what happens.
- It's not emergency viagra,
if you keep using it, you know.
- Sup, hey Chad, can we talk?
(electronic music)
- So you just want me
to video what goes down?
- Yeah.
You know, Clem and I will
take care of the heavy lifting.
I mean, if you want to join in,
you're more than welcome to,
but most of these guys are pretty ugly.
- This one's kind of a silver fox, I think.
- Okay Clem honey, we do
not have the need nor the time
to go over your daddy issues again.
- What can I say?
I'm attracted to powerful men
who might want to spank me.
- Spank you?
- For my own good. (laughs)
- Yeah well, I hear this
one wants to get spanked
his own self.
- I have to spank him?
Oh, I hate a waste of a perfectly
good older man archetype.
I just...
- Okay, all right.
Well anyway Chad, you'll
be doing some sexy stripping
while Clem and I do the real seducing.
And then when I give you the signal,
whip out the video camera.
All right, hold on.
We're actually here.
- What the?
- Oh yeah, we got to make a quick stop
before we hit the gig.
- Why here?
- You know the place?
- Yes, I saw it on the
news or something I guess.
- Oh yeah, human interest.
This place is real heartwarming and shit.
- Hey, watch your mouth.
How's my hair?
- You look like an angel.
- We do not have time for this.
- Hello, can I help?
Oh Stanley.
This is unexpected.
- Hello, Sister Dympnha.
I was hoping to see Clarence if I could.
- Well, it's a little
late, past visiting hours,
but I know you work odd hours as a,
what is it you do again?
- Utility pole technician.
- Yes, of course.
I'll go get Clarence and
see if we can get you
some private time.
You and your friends can wait here.
- So who's Clarence?
- Jason's grandfather.
He's the only family
he's got in this world.
Jason's parents were killed in a car wreck
when he was just a kid.
So Clarence raised him
as if he were his own son.
His wife had passed away years ago.
So it was a struggle, but he did it.
He loves that boy to death.
- Gramps.
- Then about a year ago,
Clarence started to get really sick.
Jason was giving all of
his money to keep him here
so he could be in good care.
He couldn't afford food, a haircut.
Hell, we nearly had to launch a gofundme
just to get him deodorant.
That's why we started our side hustle.
- That's, that's really sweet.
- So is Jason.
I've never met anyone like him.
He's going to make someone
a great husband someday.
- I thought you two were...
- No no, I may be a lot
of things to a lot of people,
but husband material, I am not.
(soft piano music)
- Hey!
- That's it, easy does it.
Nice and slow.
- Thanks for coming again, Zooey.
I really appreciate it.
- Don't worry about it, Boo.
I got Sarah to pick up my shift
and I had to come when
I heard you were sick.
- Thanks bro.
Ooh.
- You okay?
You need to get back into bed.
- Maybe back in bed with you.
- Listen, I want to fuck you
too if you're feeling better,
but I'm not doing it in a hospital.
Once I saw this movie
where this guy and girl
were boning in a hospital room
and then these ghosts started
coming out of blood bags
and possessing them.
And then they died of too much fucking.
- That's just a movie, babe.
- So's "Jaws", but sharks are real too.
- What?
- Listen, you like these?
- Yeah.
- They want you, they
hunger for you to taste them.
- Oh yeah.
- But you're not getting them
until we get out of this
spooky ass hospital room.
- Uh fine.
- But the good news is,
you can have all you want
when we get back to your place.
- Can we do your place?
I had to fire the maid.
She was drinking on the job again.
- I'll humor you because you've been sick.
Fine, my place.
Now get your clothes on
and let's get out of here
before the blood ghosts get us.
- Okay.
- Oh hey look, it's one of the new guys.
- Hey Biff, what's up dude?
You came to check up on me?
Thanks a lot, man, I
really appreciate that.
- Yeah, all the other guys had a gig,
so they sent me to check up on you.
- Well, we can't ignore the gigs.
It's our real bread and butter.
- So is everything okay?
You got your pants on.
- Yeah, the doctor gave
me a clean bill of health
and I feel like there must
have been something strange
in that cupcake I had though.
Was I the only one that got sick?
- Yeah, only one.
- Huh well, that's good to hear.
Zooey and I are going to get out of here,
head home and knock boots.
But thanks again for coming, man.
I really appreciate it.
It's the little things that mean a lot.
- I just, yeah.
- What is it, Biff?
- Yeah Biff, what is it?
Come on, spit it out.
- I love you.
I want to have sex with you.
- Ah, that is so sweet.
- Sweet?
- My man is so hot, he
turns everybody's head.
Don't you, baby?
- I do get a lot of proposals.
- He is what I like to call man pretty.
- I get it.
You know, I'm hard to resist.
With the hair, the eyes, the beer can cock,
but yeah, I got a lot going on
and it's easy to get distracted, yeah.
I'm mostly straight.
Though I might fuck dudes on camera,
I try to save my cock for the lady.
- And I love it.
- She does, but you've been so nice.
You know, and coming
to visit me in the hospital,
I feel like we can throw you a bone.
Are you totally gay?
- What do you mean?
- What I mean is, if you want to come home
and have a threesome with Zooey and I,
I think we'd both be into it.
Right precious?
- Thoby, you're so good to me.
You mean I get to have you both?
- If Biff's not too gay for it.
What do you say, Biff?
You come home, help
me pleasure my girlfriend
and in return, I'll let you suck
my cock while she watches.
Sound good?
- Yeah.
- Perfect, now let's get out of here
before the blood ghosts show up.
- What?
(video game beeps)
(Clem squeals)
- Dude, bored.
I'm gonna go for a
walk, I'll be right back.
- Andy?
Andy, what are you doing here?
Did you come to visit me at work?
- That's right, I missed you.
And I wanted to see you.
- That is so sweet.
What did I do to deserve a guy like you?
- Ooh, just lucky I guess.
Hey, let's say we go
find a room and make out.
- I can't.
- But I want to tell you
about the movie I'm in.
- Oh, that's right.
The, the movie.
I forgot I'm dating an actor.
Oh my God, that's so sexy.
Look, let's go find a room.
My office.
- Make yourselves comfortable, boys.
- I'm gonna grab a beer, babe.
You want one?
- [Zooey] You know it.
- Beer, Biff?
- Thanks.
- Now Biff, don't be scared.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
- I'm not scared.
- That's my brave little soldier.
You are very handsome.
Has a girl ever told you that before?
- Don't terrify the gay boy too much, babe.
- Oh, I'm just having a little fun.
You're not really scared, are you Biff?
- No.
- It's sweet kissing girls, isn't it?
We have such soft lips.
- Yeah.
- Oh, you're not jealous
of him, are you Pookie?
- No, we both know why he's here.
What he really wants,
(unzips pants)
is this.
- Yeah.
- Oh look, he's scared.
Can't even look at it in the eye.
Oh go on, Biff, give it a little taste.
(mystical music)
- Oh yes, yes, give it to me.
Marilyn Monroe.
Oh, I'm in a movie.
A sexy, sexy movie.
The Seven Year...
Oh fuck.
Gentlemen prefer, oh God.
I'm on a movie set.
My skirt is blowing up.
We're doing it in front of everyone.
Everyone watching us, filming it.
Oh God, I have to play my part.
I have to be your slut.
Oh, give it to me, Brando.
(mystical music)
Yes yes, I'm Meryl Streep,
the greatest actress of our age.
Getting real, going deep
inside the actors studio.
Oh God, I'm in "Postcards from the Edge".
I'm in "The Hours".
I'm an actress, no.
I'm a seagull, no.
I'm an actress.
- Ugh, are you okay?
- Shut up and give it
to me, Pierce Brosnan.
Oh, Mamma Mia.
- Give us a little show,
babe, a little booty dance.
- Yeah, I want to see those cakes.
- I don't know.
- Dance, baby.
Shake what your daddy gave you.
- All right, if you insist.
- Ooh yeah.
Yes, stud.
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
- You, get up there and dance with him.
- Really?
- Go on, get that man.
Guy on guy is so hot.
Take your shirts off, beefcakes.
(mystical music)
- Oh fuck yeah.
I'm Sandra Bullock.
"The Blind Side", "Hope Floats",
Hope floats.
- What is all the ruckus?
- Sister Dympnha!
- Jesus, Mary and Joseph in Tinseltown.
What in the name of Christ?
(Andy groans)
- You know, I bet Zooey
would enjoy this a lot more
if we took our pants off.
- You're a smart man, Biff.
- Oh fuck yes.
You guys are so hot.
Whoo!
Fuck yes, take him.
(mystical music)
- What happened to you in there?
- Oh, I got laid.
- Nice, wait.
I thought you were monogamous
with your transgender fiance.
- Oh yeah, they work here.
- Not one of the nuns.
- No.
- I don't know any guys who...
- Come on.
- Hey, I gotta take a piss first.
- Whatever, just hurry up, man.
We've got a senator to scam.
Oh man!
(electronic music)
- Come on.
- Oh God, oh God, oh God.
Oh God, it's amazing.
- Like that, bitch?
- Oh yeah.
- Oh God, oh God.
- I was talking to Zooey.
- Yeah, of course you were.
(all scream)
- Yeah, that's it.
- Stop talking and kiss me some more.
- Kevin look, if you get this,
we're going to 129 Main.
I just found out some
crazy shit about Jason.
He's like a noble guy and shit.
He's like Robin Hood.
Works some kind of...
- [Jason] Hurry up, Chad.
- Look, I got to go.
(electronic music)
What's going on with Clem?
- Clem likes to hype himself up
by listening to dramatic music
before each gig.
Oh the Wells Fargo
wagon is a comin' down
- Hey Chad, don't worry.
All right, we do this all the time.
It's like acting,
- I'm not worried.
- No, you seem tense.
You know, it's just another
way for us to use our bodies
to get what we want.
I know you're new to
porn, but you'll learn.
- I don't know if I want to learn.
- Why, you've already gone so deep?
It would be a shame to pull out now.
- What do you mean?
- I just mean that working in porn is like
being a coal miner.
You know, we torture our bodies
in the service of a greater good,
like coal miners, but we
sacrifice for what we want,
what we need and a surprising amount of us
come from Pennsylvania.
- Yeah, I understand.
Your grandfather.
- Clem told you.
- Yeah, he seems very important to you.
- Yeah, you know he
doesn't have a lot of time left.
And neither one of us
wants him wasting his life
in that nursing home.
Staring out a window, just waiting.
- You'd do anything for him.
- He did everything for me.
You still seem nervous.
- Nope.
- Maybe you're a little
nervous because you're a cop
and you don't want to
go on this big adventure.
- What, what are you talking about?
- Hey it's okay, relax.
Clem doesn't know yet,
but I'm friends with
Rebecca at the nursing home.
I saw the two of you go off together.
I remember her talking
about her cop of a boyfriend.
Pieces just kind of fell into place.
Honestly, I'm just surprised to find
out that she's, or he's transgender.
- She's not transgender.
- More lies.
Ah, CIS are at it again.
You know, I met a straight
wedding planner the other day.
Can't we have anything?
- Are you gonna expose me?
- I'm pretty sure you've
exposed yourself already.
Several times.
Honestly, that's how
I was starting to think
I could trust you.
- You trust me.
- I'm starting to.
But look, Chad,
first off, Chad is not
your real name, right?
I mean, nobody is actually
called Chad, are they?
- My uncle's named Chad.
- What is your name?
- Andy, it's Andy.
- Andy.
That is not nearly as sexy as I was hoping.
- Well excuse me, Stanley.
- Oh, touche.
So Andy, you're a cop
and you're mostly straight.
I mean straight enough to
have a cisgender girlfriend.
- Fiance.
- Okay, but you have been using your body
to get what you want
for the greater good, right?
- I guess so.
- And I'm guessing that your big
buddy, Biff, is also an undercover cop.
Listen, I'm not gonna
ask you to expose him.
Okay, actually gives
you plausible deniability
if you come out on the gig tonight.
- You still want me along?
- Possibly, Clem and I still need a third.
Thoby is out of commission.
And you were planning on
helping out tonight anyway, right?
- Right.
- And you kind of like this, don't you?
I mean, it is the most
exciting part of your life
and you kind of want to be me, don't you?
- Kinda.
(jazz music)
- Oh shit.
- What the hell was that?
- Ugh, so bright.
- I don't know, guys.
Lightning I think.
It looks like it's going
to rain, I should go.
- Okay.
(jazz music)
- Shit, shit, shit.
Shit.
129 Main Street, that's
only a few blocks away.
Do I even have my wallet?
Never even used these.
Huh, guess I'll have to try them next time.
Not that there will be a next time.
(playful music)
- [Jason] Thank you Senator Hansen.
- Please, there's no need
to stand on formalities.
And honestly, I'd rather you didn't.
You may call me the Scarlet Pimpernel.
- Well, it's a lovely place you have here.
- Oh, foolish child.
I would never allow someone
of your carnal profession
into my own estate.
- Well then who lives here?
- Mother.
She lets me have the run of the place
while she's out of town,
helping build the wall.
83 years old and
nobody lays brick like her.
- Well, nobody lays pipe like me,
- Oh ho ho, such wit.
Champagne?
Oh, I'm sorry, are you
boys old enough to drink?
- I am.
- We are.
- Pity, help yourself.
- I'm afraid we have very little time
for pre-party, Pimpernel.
I get no kick from champagne.
- [Senator] Oh, I love Cole Porter.
Cupcakes then?
- No, thank you.
- Very well.
Although I do think we ignore
the romance of the situation
at our peril.
We may as well get down to brass tacks.
Your $4,000 is on the table there.
You may begin disrobing
my fine young gentlemen.
- As you wish.
- I got to go pee first.
- [Senator] Oh certainly my boy.
Right down the hall on the left.
- Well, about time you
tracked these guys down.
- Chief Zannini, what's going on?
Rick, T.J., what's going on here?
- This is a sting operation.
You and Kevin aren't
the only ones we've had
working on this case.
We've had another informant
on the inside the whole time.
(Pierre speaks in foreign language)
- Do you mean, that me and
Kevin have been doing this
for nothing?
Do you realize what we did?
What we had done to us?
- Oh, we know.
We saw the tapes.
- Nice ass, bucko.
(Pierre speaks in foreign language)
- A sexpot is what he is.
- A gay sexpot.
- The most hilarious kind.
Now that I know you like anal,
you'll be more fun in the precinct showers.
- Guys, I don't like it.
I'm just sacrificing my body for the job
for the greater good, like a coal miner.
- You're being a thirsty
cockslut is the greater good.
I think.
- Kevin too.
He's got a fine little
ass for a slutty gay dude.
- Guys, I'm not at all...
- Quiet boys.
And quit your whining.
Andy, while you and Kevin
were busy dicking around,
- Literally.
- Yes, that was the joke.
While you two were busy dicking around,
we had to close this case
by any means necessary.
It's our job as police to protect
and support the government.
- I don't believe it.
- You'd better believe it.
- Now you're gonna have to get
one of those other guys to film.
Otherwise we're only going to be able to
bust them on prostitution, not blackmail.
- Okay.
- You better get out there
before Jason and Clem get suspicious.
- Yes, yes, this is perfect.
Do tell me, what are you thinking?
What's going on in your
minds while you dance?
- Well, "Godspell", "Cats" and "Hair"
all have the same basic structure.
They are all musical reviews on a theme.
Given the barest semblance of plot
by having someone die at the end.
- And I am not thinking about anything.
- And your little friend is back.
How nice we have the
whole trio together again.
Take off your clothes.
(disco music)
- You ready to get kinky, Scarlet?
- No, you know just what I like.
Please show no restraint
in your restraints.
How do you want me, boys.
Face down or up?
- Down bitch.
- Yes, sir.
- You start shooting.
- You take the camera.
I'll get his feet.
- You are really into this, aren't you?
- Well, what can I say?
I know what this fucker voted against.
- Oh.
(paddle slaps)
- Ooh, spankings.
Oh, such fun.
Ooh, reminds me of my
time in skull and bones.
- Quiet, pig.
- Smile for the camera, Senator Hansen.
- Wait, what?
You have cameras?
This rendezvous was
supposed to be entre nous.
- Yeah, we've got cameras
and we'll be broadcasting your shame
and humiliation to the entire country.
Unless you comply with our demands.
How do you think your
conservative constituents
will feel when they see you like this?
- No, you can't.
You mustn't, you shouldn't.
What do you want, you monsters?
- First, more spankings.
(paddle slapping)
- Yes, I mean, no.
I'll give you whatever you want.
- No more spankings.
- No, more spankings.
(paddle slaps)
- What can you offer us, Senator?
- Jewels.
(paddle slaps)
Furs, what do you want?
- Cold hard cash always does it for me.
- (sighs) You know, you'd think I'd learn.
- Freeze, you blackmailing homos.
Whoo!
- Holy shit, a bust.
- Andy, you set us up?
- Kind of, not really on purpose.
- What the fuck is this,
consorting with the enemy?
- Yeah, he's been consorting all right.
Get your over ass over here.
- And keep your pants off, slut.
- Who the fuck is Andy?
- Our friend over here is
actually an undercover cop.
I thought we had an arrangement,
but apparently he wants
to sleep above the covers.
Metaphorically.
- It's like you said,
Jason, it's all acting.
I'm not as different as
much as you pretend.
- Could someone untie me please?
(paddle slaps)
- Shut up, Scarlet.
This isn't about you.
- But this is about you.
Get them, boys.
- Not so fast, my little copper tops.
(karate chops)
- You!
- It's me, Piata Debris.
And I sting like a bee.
Pierre, we have a score to settle.
(accordion plays)
- I have nothing to
declare, except my genius.
- There was never any doubt, mon amour.
But this betrayal, why?
- What did you expect?
Life is like the flame of a lamp.
When there is no more oil, it goes out.
And it is all finis.
- Oh dear, I knew you were a genius.
But I never suspected
that you were a nihilist.
- But of course, I am French.
- Oh oui.
Let me bind your wrists.
- I don't understand what's going on.
- Pinata has been in charge of
all of our extracurricular
gigs we've been doing.
- That's right, Chad.
We got word about your
sting operation tonight
and Hank and I decided
to jump in and sting back.
- His name ain't Chad, it's Andy.
- Well, who doesn't have a nom de scene?
- No, it's not his poor name.
He's an undercover cop.
He's been working with these rancid pigs.
- Rancid!
I will kill you, you
pornographic slotbucket.
- I don't think so.
I have you right where I want you.
Okay, tie everyone up and put them in bed
with Senator Hansen.
Meanwhile, we'll head out with the cash
and we can blackmail
these twerps later. (laughs)
- Can we strip them first?
- The cute ones, sure.
- Don't you fucking try to strip me.
- Girl please, I said the cute ones.
- Ooh, burn.
- But Pierre, oh my sweet, sweet Pierre.
I shall miss your cinematography skills.
You really had a great eye.
Strip him, boys.
(electronic music)
- Everybody freeze, this is a bust.
- Triple sting.
- Oh, I think I have the wrong house.
Don't mind me, I'll just be going.
- I don't think so, Biff.
Okay, so if Chad is actually really Andy,
then what's your real name?
- Kevin, Kevin.
- And you work for this sour
milkface of a police chief as well?
- Hey!
- They were working without us.
Joanne and the other guys,
they set up this sting operation.
I had no idea it was
happening until I got here.
- Is that Rick and T.J. on
the couch, being pantsed?
- Yeah, and they're being total assholes.
They set us up just to have all kinds
of gay sex, for their entertainment.
While they did the real police work.
- That's awful.
- Sons of bitches.
- So Pinata, what should
we do with these traitors?
- Well, I think they've
been tortured enough.
Why don't we just go down to the bar,
and we'll figure everything out?
You boys almost done?
- I will find you and I
will have my revenge.
- Gag me with a spoon.
Ooh, that's a good idea.
Gag her.
- With a spoon?
- No.
- Andy, look.
- Yeah, that's a picture of an ass.
- That's Thoby's ass.
I have a map to their stash.
- Let me see.
Oh, that's St. Agnes of course.
- Isn't that where your fiance works?
- Yeah.
I've already been there with Jason
and I know where
they've stashed everything.
- Hey, hey that's great.
We can still pull this out.
We can still be heroes.
- Yeah, of course.
- Oh, you got my call.
- Are these my new scene partners?
- Absolutely.
(Pinata giggles)
- Well that was the final amount of money
that I need to leave porn.
Jason Waterfalls is
hanging up the jockstrap.
I'm gonna head over to St. Agnes right away
and bust Gramps out.
- St. Agnes?
- I'm going to start a new life.
- Don't go, Jason Waterfalls.
- How long have you
been waiting to say that?
- Far far too long.
- Now all I need is to find
a man to be my husband.
- Oh Jason, you'll find someone.
- Oh, I know.
- So I got to go.
- Yeah yeah, me too.
- Well, you boys have
certainly caused us some trouble,
but I guess in the long
run, there's no harm done.
Just don't breathe a word
of what you know to anyone
and we won't have to kill you. (giggles)
- Kill us?
- You think this is a fucking game.
- I will kill you.
I will kill you dead.
I'll use pliers and bleach
and sandpaper and shit.
And no one will even be
able to identify your bodies
when I get through with you.
- Don't fuck with Piata Debris, boys.
You'll regret it. (laughs)
Toodles.
(suspenseful music)
- Okay if I'm right, the
rooms are just through there.
So you go around front,
introduce yourself as a friend of Stanley's
and keep the nuns in charge occupied.
- Who's Stanley?
- No one, it's a code.
It's like a friend of
Dorothy or a friend of Bill W.
Just tell them that something's
happened to Stanley,
and you need to ask them some questions.
Show your badge.
- How can something
have happened to Stanley
if he's not even a real person?
- He is a real person like
Dorothy Parker or Bill Waterston.
He's just not here.
Never mind.
The point is just do the
usual reconnaissance thing.
Like you're trying to track down
a missing person, and it's Stanley.
- So Stanley's not here
because he's missing.
- Yeah sure, go with that.
- Okay.
- Okay, and while the nuns are distracted,
I'll sneak in, find Clarence's bed
and the stash of stuff hidden under it.
- Dude, don't you
think it'll be a little weird
going through some old dude's bed?
- Look, don't make me think about it.
You insisted on this
and we've got work to do.
Okay, now break.
(suspenseful music)
- Hello, can we help you?
- Yes, I'm a friend of Stanley
and I'm here with the police.
- The police?
- Oh my, has something happened?
- Yes, I'm afraid Zooey's gone missing.
- Angels and ministers of grace defend us.
- Hamlet, Act One Scene Four.
- So I'll need to ask you some questions.
- Yes, of course of course.
Please come in.
But first we'll do a strip search.
- Strip search?
- I'm afraid so.
We've really tightened
up security these days.
- I'm sure you've read
about it in the papers.
- Well sure, that's really necessary?
- Officer, if there's anyone you can trust,
it's nuns like us.
Sister Margaretta will take care of you.
- Okay.
(suspenseful music)
- Speaking of cops and robbers,
what are you doing here, Andy?
- Haven't you figured that out?
- I want you to say it.
- I'm here to collect
evidence for my investigation.
- You are here to rob me.
Cops and robbers.
- I guess you could say that.
- How could you do this, Andy?
Don't you know what I've worked for?
Everything I'm trying to achieve.
I loved my time in porn,
but it's time to move on.
Be a grown-up, be a man.
I've been taking care
of my responsibilities.
And now I can finally give
my grandfather his dying wish.
And you want to ruin all that?
- I don't want to, it's my job.
- Is it?
- My job is on the line here.
If I go back with nothing
to show from all this,
but some crazy stories
and a penchant for sodomy,
I'm finished.
- Then why go back?
- What?
- Why go back?
I'm heading out to another city,
another town someplace
where Gramps and I will be safe.
You can come with us.
- With you, why?
- Because I've been looking for a partner
and you, you're beautiful.
And maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think
you would hate being
my boyfriend all that much.
- Boyfriend, you really
have to use that word.
- We can stick with partner for a while.
If it makes you feel more butch.
But I think you'd come around.
- No, no, no, I can't.
I'm a cop, I have, I have to go.
- Kiss me.
- I have to tell them what's going on here.
- Right here, kiss me.
- I shouldn't.
- Kiss me.
- Andy, that is your name, isn't it?
- Yes sir.
- Well, it looks like you've got a possibly
life-changing decision to make.
And I get it.
You're scared you might
make the wrong choice.
And so I'm here to help
you make the right one.
Now, be a good man and
start with the smooching.
(dramatic music)
- So what happens now?
- I don't know.
We don't have to worry
about money, for a bit at least.
Gramps does have a bucket list.
(Jason laughs)
(orchestral music)
(audience applauds)
- The nominees for the best
LGBTQ Video of the Year are,
"The Prince and the Pauper",
Bleeding Unicorn Productions.
"Who's Afraid of Vagina",
Kettle of Fish Productions.
And finally, "The Triple
Sting", Candy Reign Productions.
And the winner of the best
LGBTQ Video of the Year goes to,
goes to,
envelope, please.
"The Triple Sting",
Candy Reign Productions.
- I knew it, yes.
Oh come to mama.
- Candy Reign Productions has
been nominated three times previously,
for "Three Blowjobs
Outside Cumming Mississippi",
"On Golden Dong" and "The Ass Menagerie".
This is their first win.
(audience applauds)
- This is incredible.
I, I am honored and I am so touched
that you love my work so much. (crying)
Sorry.
I promised myself I wouldn't fake cry,
but it's happening right now.
I want to dedicate this
award to my colleagues,
our amazing cinematographer, Clem.
(audience applauds)
And of course our star.
For those of you who were watching earlier,
you saw him get the Best Newcomer Award
earlier this evening.
Biff Wellington.
(audience applauds)
Thank you, thank you so much.
I guess you could say
that it was meant to Debris.
- I don't get it.
(Pinata cries)
- I fucking love that woman.
(audience applauds)
(electronic music)
I wonder where you are
From the backseat of my car
I know she just wants to
I'm better now
I listen to your heart
And messes me apart
I wish that I was too
I'm better now
I'm searching your body I
want your lips back again
Right where we started but I realize
I still foresake you
And see you
I play these wistful games
I want you just the same
I know that things don't change
It's never now
When it's all fallen through
I still can't get round you
I've tried but don't want to
You're better now
I'm searching your body I
want your lips back again
Right where we started but I realize
I still foresake you
And see you
I'd give all of the money
to get your heart back
All the money to have your heart back
I still foresake you
Can't see you
Sleepless nights restless days
All my dreams end the same
I wake up watch you fade into the dark
Now I'm searching your
body want your lips back again
Right where we started but I realize
I still forsake you
And see you
I'd give all of the money
to have your heart back
All of the money to
have your heart back