Summer School (1987) Movie Script

(upbeat rock and roll music)
I've got a pretty girl
that loves me a lot
Don't got a damn plane
or a car that's real hot
Got a fine pad with stereo
I don't do well at
the school where I go
Go go go go
But I'm happy
I'm happy that world is upside down
Happy that we made it
through another day
When I pick up the phone
I still remember what to say
I'm happy that my brain
still lives inside my head
Most of all I think I'm
hap hap hap hap happy
Happy that it's any day
I'm happy
Wide open paper I saw the news
All those people out
there singing the blues
They get excited
Why don't they just relax
All they gotta do is kick back
The back the back and be happy
Happy that the whole
thing is ready to blow
I'm happy that we made
it through another day
When I pick up the phone
I still remember what to say
I'm happy that my brain
still lives inside my head
Most of all I think I'm
hap hap hap hap hap happy
That I ain't dead
I ain't dead
- Wondermutt, go get Bob!
(dog barking)
Hey guys!
You all got your grade cards, right?
Okay.
What have we learned this year?
Teamwork.
Sportsmanship.
How your friends look naked.
(kids laughing)
You'll notice your
grade cards are blank.
Now who better to evaluate
a student's progress
than the student himself?
(kids cheering)
- Good morning, young people.
Vice-principal Gills has some
words for you, Mr. Gills.
- Thank you, principal Kelban.
Well, well,
I suppose that you all remember
the English skills test
you took last month.
- [Kids] No, no.
- I had English?
- Is that the dot-to-dot puzzle?
- Yeah, that was it, yeah.
No, don't remember.
- Not surprised.
All of you failed.
(students moaning)
However, in accordance with
the district's new policies
on minimum academic proficiencies
you will all have the
opportunity to retake the exam.
- Oh joy, I have a boner now.
(kids cheering)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm all packed, are you ready?
- One minute to go.
- Your parents have all been notified
that you'll be retested
after completing the mandatory
course in remedial English
in summer school.
- What?
- What, we just finished
a whole semester of school
and we gotta go to summer school?
- Crazy, I ain't going to summer school.
- My grandmother's gonna kill me!
- [Kids] 20, 19, 18, 17,
16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11,
10, nine, eight, seven
six, five, four three, two one.
(bell ringing)
(students cheering)
(upbeat pop music)
Picked up the paper I saw the news
All those people out
there singing the blues
They get excited
Why don't they just relax
All they gotta do is
kick back, kick back
And be happy
- I won, I won!
I, I, I, won, I won!
- Gills, Kelban, I did it, I did it.
Look at this puppy.
50,000 big ones.
Know what this means?
No summer school.
- Wait a minute.
You gave me your word.
- That was the old word.
My new one is "money".
- A man of your integrity
would let a mere 50 grand
weaken his commitment to education?
I have seen lesser men win
millions in the lottery,
go right back to busing tables.
- They're freaking morons!
(chuckling)
Let me out of here!
Let me out of here!
- Don't look at me.
You're in charge of summer school.
(upbeat pop music)
- May I speak with you for a minute?
- [Man] What can I do for you?
- I need you to teach summer school.
Deera Dorian just quit.
- Now didn't you teach remedial English?
- Well yes...
Wait up!
By the way...
(tires screeching)
Mary!
(indistinct shouting)
(wheels screeching)
- Kim, get in the car.
It's okay, I'll meet you at the airport.
I'll get a cab.
Take Wondermutt with you.
(dog barking)
- Shoop.
All right.
Mr. Shoop, oh Mr. Shoop?
Congratulations.
You've been chosen to teach
summer school.
- Ah shoot!
If only I'd known sooner.
We're going to Hawaii.
- May remind you Mr. Shoop,
you're up for tenure.
You want a job next year?
- Ah come on Mr. Gills.
Look, we got leis on and everything.
- You'll be teaching remedial English.
- Remedial English?
Look, I ain't no English teacher.
See, double negative.
No I hand out basketballs,
check for jock straps.
I'm like very challenged.
Oh, I'm not a real teacher.
- That's all right.
These aren't real students.
They're unmotivated, irresponsible.
Not too bright.
They'll relate to you.
- I appreciate that.
No, no, look.
The only reason I got into
this whole teaching gig
in the first place was
to get my summers off.
No, I'm afraid my answer has to be no.
No thank you?
- Bottom line, Mr. Shoop,
you need my recommendation for tenure.
- This is blackmail.
- We call it school spirit.
- Kim!
Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz?
- Oh, I love that movie.
- Yeah, yeah me too.
And my favorite part is when Dorothy,
she clicks her heels together three times,
and she says, "There's no place like home.
There is no place like home."
- Oh Shoop, I understand.
- You do?
You're not disappointed?
- No.
I'll just go by myself.
- What, alone?
- I'll make friends.
- Look Kim, if you love me...
Even if you just like me a lot,
you won't do this.
- Shoop, if I didn't like you
I wouldn't ask you to drive me
to the airport now, would I?
- I guess not.
- You're in room 43.
Files on your students.
A word to the wise, Mr. Shoop.
Right off the bat you
show them who's in charge.
- Great.
Who is in charge?
- [Robin] Very cute.
- Thanks.
So are you.
Oh you meant...
I'm so embarrassed,
but you are cute.
- I'm all right.
I'm Robin Bishop.
I teach American History next door.
- Hi, Freddy Shoop.
Remedial English, right here.
Everybody just calls me Shoop.
- Okay, Shoop.
Why am I here?
Oh, thumbtacks.
Could I borrow some?
- Sure.
You know, I was just
going to get my summer
bulletin board going here.
Ah, jackpot!
Whole box.
Here you go, my treat.
- Well what about your bulletin board?
- Oh yeah.
Give me one.
- Remedial English, huh?
I got it easy.
I have honor students.
They're here voluntarily.
Can you believe it?
- No.
- I've seen some of your students.
Very scary.
You must be a good teacher.
- Oh shucks, Robin.
I don't know.
Heck.
Inside every so-called
bad kid is a good kid
just waiting for someone
to reach on down
through the sleaze and the slime.
Pick him up and hose him off.
I mean, who knows?
We fail with even one child
we might be losing the next Ted Koppel.
We're the unsung heroes.
We're doing God's work.
And I noticed you're not
wearing a wedding ring.
- Yeah, my mother noticed that too.
- So you're single.
In love, involved, what's the story here?
- This story is that
I've been seeing someone,
but we just started dating.
So you do what you think is right.
- Okay.
- I gotta get going.
- Well here, I'll walk you.
So you're free to see
other people then, huh?
Are you asking me out?
- Well, if I was would you say yes?
- I might.
- Well I might be asking you out.
You like Chinese?
- I hate it.
- Me too, I can't stand it.
Wanna go out sometime
and not eat Chinese?
- I might.
Why don't we talk about that
after school?
I'm in love again.
(indistinct chatter)
- Thank you ladies and gentlemen.
The crowd goes wild.
Hey.
- Kevin?
What happened to football buddy?
- Yeah man.
- I was kicked off the
team for being stupid.
- All right, it's about time.
Congratulations, bud.
- Sorry I'm late.
- Hey Mr. Shoop, wow!
You in this class too?
- Huh uh, I'm teaching it.
- No way!
Party all the time
Party all the time
My girl likes to party all the time
- All right, all right, have a seat.
Do what you want to.
Larry Kazameias.
Where's Larry?
- Shh.
He's nocturnal.
- Oh okay.
Try to keep it down.
Francis Gremp.
- Don't ever call me that.
The name is Chainsaw.
- As in Black and Decker?
- As in Texas Massacre.
- Oh, yeah that's in here.
- It's in there.
- They got files.
- Pam House.
Says here you lack concentration.
Pam?
Nevermind.
Jerome Watkins.
- Computer said I failed that test.
The computer made an error.
I recommend this time I pass.
- You're going to do well, Jerome.
I can feel it.
Allen Eakian?
- Present, sir.
- Four brothers, two sisters,
all straight A's students.
What are you doing here?
- I assume there was some
sort of a baby mix up
at the hospital.
- Rhonda Altobello.
- Here.
You went from C's to F's.
What happened?
- Any other questions?
- No.
Denise Green.
- What's that file say about me?
Whatever it says it's a lie.
You wanna know something
about me, ask me,
I'm right here.
What you wanna know?
- Where are my car keys?
- How could I know?
What, does that thing
say I'm a thief too?
- All right, where are my car keys?
Chainsaw?
- They're somewhere in this room.
Right now you're very cold.
You're really cold.
- I want those keys.
- Oh God, you're freezing.
- Okay.
Okay I'm a fun guy.
I'll play along.
- Getting warmer.
- You are getting hot man.
- Oh I see smoke.
You are on fire!
Oh you're walking on the
sun, ouch, oh wait, wait.
My mistake.
I forgot where I put them.
You're ice cold, dude.
(kids laughing)
- Come on, enough of this shit.
- Ooh, now does that mean
we can swear in class?
- Shit yes!
- Hey watch your fucking language.
- [Boy] Watch your language, fart face!
(indistinct shouting)
- Where are my frigging car keys?
- He's the dick brain that knows.
- If I knew anything would
I be in this butthole class?
- [Boy] Suck my lager head.
- Dammit!
(chuckling)
- Jissum head.
- Jissum head.
Yeah, good one.
- One of my all time faves.
- Psychology.
You give a child a license to swear
they lose all interest.
- I certainly did.
- I think you're full of bull.
- It's okay, you can say bullshit in here.
- I'm grateful.
Mr. Shoop, I'm sure you're
aware that I'm teaching
next door,
and this swearing bee is
getting a little loud.
Do you think you could all concentrate
on some obscene gestures for a while?
(indistinct chatter)
Yes, that's the idea.
(kids laughing)
- I don't think she likes you.
- I want my car keys.
- I'm using the lavatory.
- Hey.
- This is worse than a gas station.
- Yeah, I think I have
to go too, Mr. Shoop.
- Wait a minute, hey wait a minute.
My keys!
- Atta boy, Mr. Shoop.
- Hey, hey!
Okay, I'm calling roll
and then I'm gonna...
Where's my roll sheet?
- It's somewhere in this room.
- Hey.
Sorry about the noise.
I'm really a gym teacher.
I don't belong in a classroom.
- Apology accepted.
See you later.
- Let's start all over.
Hi, I'm Freddy Shoop.
- Look Freddy, you're a semi charming guy
and a real snappy dresser.
You're just not the kind
of guy I date anymore.
- Yeah, what kind of guy you dating now?
- Oh the kind that wears socks.
- I got a pair somewhere.
White ones.
So, about dinner.
Like Italian?
Mexican?
Hey, maybe you'd rather cook.
- I'm not having dinner with you.
- Okay, lunch.
- Robin.
Excuse me just one sec.
Uh Robin, about tonight.
The concert starts about eight
so I thought we'd go to the beach
and have a picnic, watch the sunset.
- Sounds wonderful.
Oh bye bye, Freddy.
- I'll be darned.
You're a heterosexual.
- And a damn good one.
- Good luck honey.
- Thanks mom.
- Okay, start her up.
Make a right please.
- These photos suck.
Weddings, graduations.
Hoffen came in.
- Yeah!
- Ooh, it's more of the
redhead with the tattoo.
- This time he's got her
making breakfast
stark raving naked.
- Oh, Hoffen, you're so sick!
- Check out this composition.
Round English muffin, square butter,
triangular bush, the man is an artist.
- [Boys] Reprints!
- Hi, I'd like to sign
up for Lamaze classes.
- Okay, how are Tuesday
nights for you and your coach?
- Perfect, but I don't have a coach.
- Well what about the father?
- Well you see, that's sort of confusing.
It's either David Lee Roth who's on tour
or Sean Penn, and I'd really
hate to upset Madonna.
- Fill this out.
- Okay, how far did we get yesterday?
- You took roll.
- Right, that shouldn't
take as long today.
Pam?
- Mr. Shoop, I gotta boog.
- What, you just got here?
- Yeah.
It's a female thing.
- Yeah, I understand.
- Ah man, she's going surfing!
- I'm sure!
- Ah, look, this menstruation deal,
it's such a scam.
Girls are so lucky.
- What?
Oh, we're so lucky?
You think being on your period
is some picnic in the park?
Are you crazy?
For one, you get all PMS'd out.
There's no room in your
purse for no hairbrush
'cause you got all these damn mini pads.
You are so ignorant!
What can I say?
This whole class is
jammed with ignorance.
- Yes, it is.
Come in here please.
Mr. Shoop.
This is our new foreign exchange student,
Anna-Maria Mazarelli.
Anna-Maria is from Milan, Italy.
She would like to brush
up on her English skills
before the fall semester begins.
Well I guess I'll let you
return to your rigorous
pursuit of academic excellence.
- Please.
Anna-Maria, welcome to America.
You can sit wherever you want.
(indistinct chatter)
- Well now this desk
appears to be unoccupied.
- Gratzia.
(desks scrapping)
- Okay, let's see what we got here.
Rules of grammar.
Writing paragraphs.
God, I hate this stuff.
Book reports.
Anybody wanna get out of here?
Go to the library?
- [Kids] Yes.
- Let's go.
- I am Chainsaw.
- Hi Chainsaw.
- I'm Dave.
- [Anna-Maria] Ciao.
- Well we love Italy, yeah.
The pizza, Mussolini.
And Tony Bennet.
- Uh, the mafia.
- Yeah, Chef Boyardee.
- Uh Pinocchio.
- Fellatio.
- Oh I don't like that.
- Well have you ever tried it?
- Sure, Chef Boyardee,
spaghetti in a can.
It's so mushy.
- Anna-Maria?
- Si?
- Have you seen the movie
Texas Chainsaw Massacre?
- No.
It is good?
- Oh I gotta tell you, I love the film.
It had passion and a plucky spirit.
And the characters had integrity.
Like when Leatherface
went on that strict diet
of human flesh.
He had to cut out chicken
and fish completely.
- Dave, I agree with you.
I'll go a step further.
Sure Leatherface, he wore a
mask made out of human skin
and he hung people on meat hooks.
But hey, we've all got quirks.
I've got them, you've got them Dave.
That's what makes this
character so, so compelling.
Thumbs up from me.
- Same here.
- To sum it up, I'm Chainsaw.
- I'm Dave.
- We'll see you.
- [Chainsaw and Dave] At the movies.
- Okay.
- Let's go people.
I found him in Winchell's.
- Here, we all chipped in.
- Hey, jelly.
I'm touched.
- This one was in the parking lot
with a surfboard.
- This is so humiliating.
- Pam.
You know I grew up
surfing those same waves.
Today was phenom.
Three to four, breakdown the south,
glassy, light offshore breeze.
Had to go for the ditch.
- Thanks.
You're very spiritual.
- But the rest of you clowns...
- Hey, I gotta say something.
This whole thing is a joke.
There's a very valid
reason for summer vacation.
The human brain needs rest.
- Yeah.
I mean what are we doing here?
(students mumbling)
- Hey, look.
This wasn't my idea.
I know you guys aren't
exactly fired up about English
and I wouldn't know
what to do if you were.
But we're stuck here.
We're trapped like rats.
Anybody got any ideas?
Um?
- Why don't we take some field trips?
- Can we do that?
- Oh yeah.
Yeah, I got permission slips right here.
- Okay, take these home.
Have your mom or dad sign them.
As soon as I get them back
I'll see what I can do.
- [Chainsaw] Done.
- Good.
(upbeat pop music)
I'm looking out the window
Waiting on the bell to ring
Oh you know
You know I haven't learned a thing
I see my education
going on down the drain
'Cause I've been learning how to pedal
Learning experience
I've been learning at a party
It's a learning experience
My folks keep telling me
boy you ain't got no sense
You gotta get in the space
Get in the space
Find some motivation
Get in the space
(kids shouting)
- The Screwdriver was
an utter disappointment.
I was hoping for a headache
or pounding temples,
a blackout, anything.
But you know I feel fine.
Actually my headache is gone.
Thumbs down.
- Dave I'm surprised.
I found the Screwdriver simply delightful.
Fast corners, that third
loop was a nice surprise.
The line moved fast.
- Is he okay?
- No Anna-Maria, it
appears that he's vomiting.
(gagging and coughing)
That's a sure sign of a good ride.
Thumbs up.
Eeko, what did you eat?
(gentle classical music)
(boy sneezing)
- Don't be a pig, no!
(goats bleating)
- Hey, hey, you slime!
Stone's first farewell tour, '69.
Get out of here!
- Oh wait.
- He ripped my t-shirt.
- Oh I can sew that.
- It's not necessary, go away!
- Nothing's necessary, I want to.
- Great, I'll let you.
(Chainsaw and Dave shouting)
(dramatic music)
- The bunnies from hell!
(Anna-Maria screaming)
- Get away from me!
(boys shouting)
(group applauding)
- Thank you, thank you
ladies and gentlemen.
- Thank you.
Very very much.
- What is this?
It's a lie!
- We did this for you, Anna-Maria.
How'd you like it?
- It's disgusting!
I love it!
What is that?
- Oh it's foam latex.
Keep it.
- You guys.
(boy sneezing)
- Next field trip has
gotta be at the beach.
- We gotta see Anna-Maria in a bikini.
It's very important.
- I understand.
(upbeat pop music)
My babe
My babe my babe my babe
She's coming back home
Yes my babe
She coming back home to me
You see
My baby coming back
She come back home to me
- Whoa girl, this ain't the Riviera.
- Oh thank you.
- That was, that was, that was cruel.
(Dave mumbling)
You okay?
- Huh?
(dog barking)
When she walk down the street
All the birdies go tweet tweet tweet
My babe
When she walk down the street
All the birdies go tweet tweet tweet
My babe
She got jump that band
And ain't miss any beat
My babe
My babe
My babe
- Come in,
come in Mrs. Eakian.
Now, how can I help?
- Yesterday Allen came home nauseous.
Sneezing, wheezing and itching.
With goat hairs on his clothes.
He said he was at the museum
but I found this in his pocket.
- Grandma!
- Shh!
Is going on throw up rides
and rubbing barnyard animals your idea
of quality education?
- Grandma!
- Shh!
- Certainly not.
We'll talk to Mr. Shoop
about this right now.
- I may have used poor judgment.
- You actually used judgment!
Do you realize that if
anything had happened
to these kids, the lawsuits?
You could have bankrupted
the entire district!
- And messed up your chance
of being elected to the state assembly.
- Yes!
- Don't wet your pants.
Watch this.
- All you had to do was
babysit some social deviants.
- Some of those deviants are great kids.
- I'm sure they'll grow up
to be wonderful criminals.
- They're as smart as you and me.
- You and I.
- All of us.
- You're suspended until Kelban returns
and officially fires you.
- What?
This is your fault.
You knew I couldn't teach.
- Goodbye, Mr. Shoop.
- Gills, what if I become a model teacher?
(laughing)
- This is gonna be fun.
Okay.
You get every kid left in your class
to pass that skills test
and I'll forget about your field trips.
- Done!
They all have to pass?
- It's called teaching.
Of course if you don't know
how to do that
then I guess you don't
deserve a tenure.
Do you?
- I'll teach.
(dramatic music)
Morning, class.
(shrill whistling)
(class cheering)
- Hey Mr. Shoop,
what's with the threads man?
You getting married?
- No, it must be laundry day.
Nothing else is clean, right?
- Are you going to a funeral?
- Can we come?
- Please take your seats.
- [Chainsaw and Dave]
Where should we take them?
- Sit down Francis.
From this moment forth
you people eat English,
sleep English, you are English.
- Ah, then pastor Gremp is our boy.
- I'm not kidding around.
Anyone not interested in
passing that exam
can leave right now.
- The guy's been pretty cool.
- He called me Francis.
Hasta luego.
Placido Domingo.
- Chainsaw, Dave, wait a minute.
Look, Gills is having a
cow about our field trips.
Unless you guys all pass that test
my job, memorex.
Anybody got any ideas here?
- Get yourself some want ads.
- I don't care what your files say
you guys are not that dumb.
- Actually, Mr. Shoop, those files
are usually right on the money.
- You all feel that way?
- I do.
- I may as well go home.
- Mr. Shoop.
Look, we don't want you
to lose your job.
Think about what you're asking.
- You want us to study?
- The thought did cross my mind.
- Well what's in it for us?
What do we get out of it?
- Literacy.
Oh sorry.
I'd like to help.
What can I do?
- Give me your car.
- And your house.
- And your dog.
- See you.
- Wait, wait, wait, Mr. Shoop wait.
- There's room here to negotiate.
What if you granted
each one of us one wish?
- What do you mean wish?
- You know like a favor.
I mean does anybody need anything?
- Uh, I need somebody to work out with
in case I get back on the team.
- I could use a Lamaze coach.
- I need some driving lessons, bad.
- Okay there's two of us.
Therefore we get two.
All right one, a party, your house,
fourth of July weekend.
- In Anna-Maria's honor.
Number two, you arrange
a screening in class
of the greatest movie ever made.
The 1973 Tobe Hooper classic,
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
- Now that is also in Anna-Maria's honor.
- Thank you.
- Now Anna, is there
anything that you desire?
- Oh I don't deserve a wish.
I'll take the test anyway.
- God, she is so honest!
We'll take hers.
Uh, chauffer service for Dave and I
every day to and from work.
- Pam, what's your wish?
- Uh, I'll tell Mr. Shoop
when the time is right.
- Oh.
Larry?
Larry?
What do you want?
- Bed.
- He wants a bed.
As for myself, I just wanna
be invited to the party.
- We'll see.
- Good enough.
I think these are fair
and reasonable requests.
In return we'll show up,
we'll pay attention,
and we'll even do a little homework.
Is this contract acceptable to labor?
- No doubt.
- [Kids] Yeah.
- Does management agree?
- You sure I'm management?
- For our purposes here, yes.
Do we have a binding agreement?
- You got something.
- All right, well!
We put that baby to bed!
Let's do lunch!
(laughing)
Well, go ahead and teach.
- Right.
Teach.
Don't anybody move.
- Bigman?
- Excuse me, Miss Bishop?
- Mr. Shoop?
Shouldn't you be planning
a field trip to Seven 11?
- I really need your help.
I know how you feel about me,
but something really bizarre
has happened to my kids.
Please.
- All right.
If I get next door and
there's a candlelight dinner
I'm calling security.
Continue.
- [Student] The 1970 Seabed Treaty...
- [Robin] Do you own that suit?
What did you do, pass out Valiums?
- [Shoop] Uh uh, it's a natural lull.
- Interesting phenomenon.
What do you want from me?
- How do you teach?
- If you're serious I'll help you.
- Great.
- Meet me after school.
We'll make plans for the weekend.
- For the weekend?
- Big guy.
(students chattering)
- The easiest thing for you to do
is just base your lesson plans
on the student's own experiences.
- I can do that.
- Your life is probably very similar.
- Hardly.
I'm telling you, you
gotta try these pop tarts.
- No, thanks.
I'm sticking with the Chocodiles.
Anyway, the best teachers are
the teachers
who entertain while they teach.
So you should do just fine.
- You think I'm entertaining?
- To children.
Gotta go.
Your time's up.
- I know why you're helping.
- Professional courtesy.
- No, you like me.
- No, I don't.
- [Shoop] Yes you do.
- No I don't.
- Yeah you do.
- Do not.
- Do too.
- Don't either.
- Come on, don't you like
me just a little bit?
- No.
- Not even that much?
- I like you that much.
- It's a start.
Now someone tell me why
learning how to write
is so critical.
- It's a form of communication.
- Amen.
And it can get you free stuff.
- Free?
- Free.
Writing the word free.
Here's how it works.
All of us have been ripped off, right?
Payphone steals your money.
Not enough cheese on your pizza.
- My shades keep falling apart.
- Perfect.
Now you're going to write
that company a letter
and you're going to see action
if your letter is clearly written
and your letter threatens
to hurt their business
and is signed, forgive me Chainsaw,
Mr. Francis Gremp.
President, consumer
against faulty eyewear.
- You want me to lie?
Okay.
- Now anyone interested in
learning the correct form,
please turn to page 46
in your textbook.
(pages rustling)
Shit works.
(cheerful music)
(boys grunting)
- You know maybe I'm not
cut out to be a linebacker.
- No look.
You're looking at my shoulders.
Don't, focus on my waist.
Okay, my waist.
All right, try it again.
Go on.
That's good.
Remember I'm your teacher.
(boys grunting)
You wanna learn how to surf?
- Are you sure you wanna do this?
- Absolutely.
Lamaze class.
Great place to meet girls.
(giggling)
(engine humming)
Okay Denise, slide over.
- Oh no!
Is this some kind of sick, twisted joke?
- Nope, combining Denise's driving lesson
with your ride to the beach.
Come on, get in.
- We took driver training with Denise.
Call us a cab.
- Get your grizzly butts in the car.
- Man, let me drive.
I'm going for my license next week.
- Chainsaw.
You've been drinking.
- No it's cough medicine.
Check out this phlegm.
(coughing)
- Save the phlegm.
You're not driving anywhere.
- I'll tell you something
and this is fact,
you know why so many drunk
drivers get in wrecks?
Because they don't learn to drive drunk.
- Fact, alcohol kills brain cells.
You lose one more,
you're a talking monkey.
Come on, get in.
Come on!
Okay Denise, start her up.
(engine humming)
Signal left.
Pull on out.
- Can I call my folks and
say I won't be home, ever?
- I'm not used to this car.
- I think it's safe.
Scoot out.
Nice and smooth.
Oh yeah that's...
Fine, good.
Why'd you do that?
- Car was coming.
- Well that'll happen from time to time.
Come on Denise.
You won't bother us.
We just got lapped by an
old lady with a walker.
- You see that space
between those two cars?
- Yeah.
- Pull in.
- You mean parallel park?
Shoot, that's my weak spot.
- Listen to her.
(loud thudding)
- I'm sober now.
- That's good for today.
- [Chainsaw and Dave] We live!
(fireworks booming)
(crowd cheering)
- It's beautiful.
- Enough safe and sane.
It's time for dumb and dangerous.
- These are Mexican.
You do not know what's in these babies.
(dog barking)
(indistinct chatter)
(upbeat pop music)
(fireworks booming)
- Anna-Maria.
As we know, this has
never, ever been attempted.
- Anna-Maria.
We dedicate these cantaloupe to you.
- You make food bombs for me?
Oh that's sweet!
- Melon balls coming up!
(indistinct shouting)
(loud booming)
(fireworks booming)
- Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
- Hey wait, I wanna talk about school.
- Not now babe, I'm late.
- Late for what?
(fireworks booming)
- What's it like being pregnant?
- Bizarre.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
- My body's out of control,
and it's big and ugly.
- I think you look great.
- Sure, in the dark.
- How much longer?
- About five weeks.
God, it's going to be amazing.
- I know.
You'll be a mother.
- Yeah.
(indistinct chatter)
- Eakian,
this party's getting weak.
Do something wild.
Take all your clothes off.
- Why, you want everyone to go home?
(laughing)
- You're almost fun tonight.
(gagging and choking)
Almost.
(knocking on door)
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Come on in.
Resting up, too much fun.
- It's all sewn.
- Hey thanks, it's great.
- I feel so at home here.
- Yeah, me too.
- The grunion are running tonight.
In the dead of night under a full moon
thousands of horny little fish
swim hundreds of miles
to bawl their brains out in the sand.
So romantic.
You ever do that with
one of your students?
- No.
I swim hundreds of miles,
I'm ready for a nap.
(giggling)
- [Pam] Who's that?
- Ah, it's Kim.
She's sort of my girlfriend.
- Sort of?
- Well, she's in Hawaii.
- So you're all alone,
and you like young girls?
- Kim's not that young, she's 21.
- I'm 16.
And did you consider that?
Because there's like no
difference between 21 and 16 now.
But when she's 66, I'll only be 61.
- And I'll be 75 and
it won't matter anyway.
- Yeah.
- Come on Pam, time for more fun.
Wondermutt!
(dog barking)
(upbeat rock and roll music)
(firecracker sparking)
(indistinct shouting)
(shouting)
(firecracker crackling)
(shouting)
(firecracker crackling)
- Guys, my couch is on fire!
(indistinct shouting)
(water splashing)
My fish!
- How many were there?
- One.
- [Anna-Maria] Poor fishy.
- You gotta get rid of that couch.
That is a definite fire hazard.
- Definitely.
- Party's over.
- Oh come on, it was just getting good.
Got a fire...
- Goodnight!
- One little fire.
- Wow.
- Minors drinking on the beach.
- Seriously, we never do this.
- Boy, never ever.
Oh, there's our English teacher.
Let's ask him.
Oh Mr. Shoop sir,
could you come here just
a moment please?
- Hey guys.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What's up?
- Found these boys in
possession of alcohol.
- That alcohol, officer?
Oh, that's not theirs.
- No, whose is it?
- It's mine.
See, I, I,
I live in that house right there,
and they were just watching my stuff.
- That's right, it's his.
- We should never have taken
those little baby sips.
That was wrong.
- God, so very very wrong.
- I think they learned one
hell of a lesson, officer.
- Next time you boys encounter
an alcoholic beverage
I hope you remember
you're under age.
- Yes, sir.
We will.
- Of course, thanks.
- Thank you.
Well, we're off to do our homework.
- Yeah, all right,
thank you officer, bye.
- Thank you.
- Oh we should never have tried this.
- It was a mistake.
That was bad.
- Should've just said no.
- You guys are good men.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- You're under arrest for contributing
to the delinquency of a minor.
(dog growling)
- What?
Officer, that's not really my vodka.
- Is that your dog?
(dog barking)
- Yeah.
- No dogs on the beach.
50 dollar fine.
- He's not really my dog.
- Let's roll.
- He just thinks he's my dog.
No really, he's a neighborhood dog.
He just hangs out at my
place 'cause there's more
garbage there than any place.
No, he's a scavenger.
He'll eat anything.
He's a beach dog.
Go away beach dog.
(door creaking)
Uh, you have a cell for beginners?
(indistinct chatter)
Who wants gum?
(telephone ringing)
- [Robin] Please leave your
message after the beep.
(phone beeping)
- [Shoop] Robin, it's your pal Shoop.
I can't leave my number
'cause I'm downtown in jail.
- Jail?
- What, you're surprised?
- [Shoop] I got arrested in my swim trunks
so I need 50 bucks and a pair of shoes.
It's a long story.
Listen Robin,
please don't mention this to
that bite in the ass Gills.
You're an angel.
Dinner, dancing, Paris, you name it.
- Hello Mr. Shoop.
- Who is this?
- It's the bite in the ass.
- Ha, when I say bite
in the ass I mean that
in the nicest possible way.
Can I talk to Robin please?
- I'm afraid Robin and I
are on our way out of town.
- But don't worry, we'll be right over.
He's still a human being, Phillip.
- Robin, we have a very
long drive ahead of us.
If we go downtown now we'll
be stuck in all that traffic
and that's okay with me
because then we'd be helping
our good friend Mr. Shoop
and you won't think I'm a shit.
Right?
- Am I in really big trouble?
- A teacher arrested for contributing
to the delinquency of minors.
- You're not a hero.
What is this?
- I made a new friend.
- Mr. Shoop,
I do hope that we can get you
out of this ugly little mess.
And it is ugly.
- You know Mr. Shoop's been
making a lot of progress
in his class, Phillip.
- It's true.
I've been handing out assignments,
and the kids turn them in and everything.
It's almost like school in there.
- I've heard and I'm proud.
Confirms all my instincts about him.
He's my boy.
Robin, let's get out of here.
We're on our way to wine country.
- You kids uh, have fun.
(slow music)
See those waves, Wondermutt?
They're from Hawaii.
Kim's in Hawaii.
Robin's in the wine country.
You know what we need?
I mean besides bread.
We need a woman who'd appreciate
what we have to offer.
Woman of culture.
Intellect.
(loud rock and roll music)
- Shake them buns, baby!
(women screaming)
Come on, bring those buns over here.
Momma's got some
software for you, baby.
(women screaming)
- Excuse me.
I'm with Playgirl Magazine.
- Survey me later, will you.
I'm trying to concentrate.
Come on, baby!
- Thanks for your time.
(crowd applauding)
- Get them buns over here.
Ah!
(women screaming)
- Hey, hey, cowboy!
Don't I know you?
- Hey back off, hand bag.
This is ladies night.
(crowd applauding)
- Larry!
- Mr. Shoop?
What are you doing here?
- What am I doing here?
You do this every night?
- We have Mondays off.
- Listen man, you can't
tell anybody, okay?
They I think I'm 21.
- You were fabulous.
This is from both of us.
- I'm in the wrong business.
Yeah, but about school Larry,
I mean I think if you could sneak in
a couple of hours sleep,
you can catch up with
the rest of the class.
- Mr. Shoop man, think
about what you're saying.
I mean if you could be 17 again
and you know then what you know now.
- Yeah.
- Well I know.
- I hate that kid.
- Who we admire most in the world
and why.
The person we admire
most in the world
is makeup artist and
creature creator Rick Baker.
- His wonderfully gruesome slime splatters
and slobber tubes in
American Werewolf in London
won him a richly deserved Oscar.
That is why we admire makeup artist
and creature creator Rick Baker
very very very very very very very.
- Very, very, very, very, very, very,
- Very, very, very, very, very,
very, very, very,
- Very, very, very, very,
very, very much.
That's 100 words on the nose.
- You can count if you want.
- It is not easy to pick
the person I admire most.
I admire people for different reasons.
The way they surf or teach
English from the heart,
help the homeless.
To pick one person is so
unfair to everyone else.
Isn't there enough pain in the world?
- Since there's no one I admire most,
this is about a person
I admire least.
My ex-boyfriend Andre.
If he ever tells you he
broke up with me first,
he's a lying dog.
'Cause I definitely told him
get out of my face first.
You know how I can tell
when he's lying?
His lips move, I'm serious.
He's so in love with his self
he oughta be dating a mirror.
The way he walks around in
them skin tight leather pants
thinking he's Rick James's
little brother or something.
Give the world a break.
- Denise, can I have your paper?
- Uh no.
- No?
- Well, I had to memorize my essay
due to the fact that
I was mugged by a gang
looking for money and homework.
- That happens.
Okay gang, mark your calendars.
Field trip next Monday.
- Where are we going?
Cock fights?
- Courthouse.
Your teacher was arrested for
giving vodka to some kids.
You and Dave won't want to miss it.
- You went to jail for us?
- On roller skates.
- Thanks man.
- Um hum.
(slow music)
Pam?
- Hi.
- What are you doing here?
- Remember I said I'd tell you my wish
when the time was right?
It's right.
- Your wish is to move in with me?
- I'm a great cook.
- Uh huh.
- I won't get in your way.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- You know we connect.
- Pam, look,
my place is very small.
- It's perfect.
Look, Tommy, that's my bother.
He had another kid and
Angela, she's his wife,
she wants to move the
twins back into Gail's room
and then put Sally in the den,
which means I lose the couch.
- Yeah well my couch is
real barbecued.
- The floor is fine.
Mr. Shoop, everybody else got their wish.
- Okay, Pam.
If I let you stay here
it's only temporary until
you find another place, okay?
- I can stay!
- Who are you talking to?
- Um, this is Tommy and Angela.
- Hi.
And Gail, and Sally, and Sly,
and the twins, Chuck and
Bob and Tommy Junior.
This is Mr. Shoop.
- How are you doing?
- Nice to meet you.
(woman screaming)
- [Dave] She screams so well.
Ah, don't be a wuss!
Shut up!
- Run, run!
- Larry, Larry wake up,
you're missing this!
- Larry's not missing a thing.
Let him sleep.
- Leatherface, Leatherface,
Leatherface, Leatherface.
Oh no!
(kids gasping)
Okay everybody, that's not a real person.
It's a stunt man.
Okay now this, this right here
isn't gonna bother him
because he's insane, okay?
- Good Lord, what are you watching?
- [Dave] Do the dance for me baby!
- [Shoop] New film from the district.
Safe use of power tools.
- Special delivery.
I don't wanna know what this is, do I?
- No, probably not.
(class applauding)
(indistinct chatter)
- What did you think of that,
Anna-Maria?
- God, it was really American.
- American yes, it's an
American masterpiece.
It's it's, talk about gutsy endings.
The girl, the girl gets away
and our hero Leatherface,
he chainsaws his own legs.
Two thumbs up.
- [Dave] Make that four for gore.
- Listen up, I wanna read you something.
Dear Mr. Francis Gremp,
thank you for informing us of your problem
with our Cool Dude sunglasses.
- It worked!
- Please accept this
assortment of Cool Dudes
with our compliments.
- All right, it's Christmas-time.
Free glasses!
- Are these free, wow!
- We know you'll find
them well constructed
and we hope your
organization will see no need
to pursue with the boycott.
Sincerely, Wayne Appleton.
President, Cool Dude, Inc.
- All right, power of the pen.
- Hey, thanks Chainsaw!
- Man, you think you can
help me with my letter?
You know, make it sound official?
- Sure, Denise.
You wanna give it to me.
(bell ringing)
- Okay, for extra homework
write a review of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
- Rhonda, um...
Uh, if you're not doing
anything tomorrow night
I thought maybe we could do something.
- Oh I have a Lamaze class
tomorrow night.
Do you wanna go with me?
- Um, what about Mr. Shoop?
- Oh he won't care.
I mean, if you don't mind being my coach.
- I wouldn't mind at all.
- Great.
- See you.
- Mr. Shoop.
You should see this,
but you can't let Denise
know I showed you.
Okay?
- Okay.
- Shoop.
This girl's dyslexic.
- What are you talking about?
That's not in her file.
- This is serious.
You gotta get her some help.
- Well, how could she get this far
without anybody finding out?
- She slipped through the system.
- What happens when she
gets out in the real world?
- Wait a minute.
Is this the same guy that
took his English class
to the petting zoo?
- Um hum.
- How'd you get those kids to work?
- Bribed them.
What would it take to get you
to have dinner with me tonight?
- That would be very expensive.
I'm having dinner with Gills.
- Big Phil again, huh?
Come on Robin, be honest.
Isn't he a bite in the ass?
- No, he's not a bite in the ass.
He happens to be very...
Articulate.
Cultured.
Extraordinarily tidy.
- Tall, dark and tidy.
That's a magic combination.
Not in love with him, are you?
- None of your business.
- Sure it is.
- [Robin] No it isn't.
- Yes it is.
You tell me you love him,
I'll stop asking you out.
- How am I gonna tell you I love him
when it's all so new?
- Ha, I knew it!
See Robin, he's not the guy for you.
You need an intelligent
sensitive man who can skate.
- Do you know such a guy?
- Oh, they're hard to find.
But now that I know
what you're looking for,
I'll keep my eye out.
- Would you?
- Looking good, Denise.
Good luck.
- Sir, you are really going
to earn your money today.
- Francs Gremp?
- Call me Chainsaw.
- You're up next.
- You hold on a sec?
Dad's late.
He's so irresponsible.
I said dad, three o'clock sharp.
But no, it's just in
one ear, out the other.
I need your car.
- You wanna use my car?
- Just, I'm under adult supervision.
- Chainsaw, you take your test
and you bring my car
right back here to me.
- You make me proud to be an American.
Dave, kiss this man.
You, come with me.
No, no, you stay there.
I'll bring the car to you.
You back this up, I'm
taking a test, all right?
Just move all the way back.
- What, what'd I do?
- Don't worry about me.
See those cars on the right?
Go ahead and park in between them.
- What do you mean?
You mean parallel park?
- Something wrong?
- No, nothing.
(whimsical music)
(wheels screeching)
Yeah!
(upbeat pop music)
- We going on the freeway?
- I think we'll just
stay in the neighborhood.
Mr. Gremp, why are you
driving with only one hand?
- Oh, this hand's gotta be
free to put around the babes.
What are you marking me out
just 'cause I'm doing that?
- Watch the dip!
(tires screeching)
(horn honking)
(indistinct shouting)
(loud crashing)
- Don't you ever, ever yell at the driver!
Do you hear me?
Where are you going?
- Back, the test is over.
- No way!
(metal clattering)
This is your fault.
This is bullshit, come on!
I stayed sober for this.
You can't do this.
Come back you dumb dildo!
Wait, no.
You're not a dildo.
I was joking, that was a joke.
Come on, be cool, one more chance.
Wait, um...
- You lost points for driving too slow
and not accepting the right of way.
- Failed again.
- 70 is passing.
- I Passed?
- You passed.
- I passed, oh I did!
I Passed!
I Passed!
I Passed!
I Passed!
- I'm proud of you.
Congratulations, Denise.
- Oh man I couldn't have
done it without you really.
- Now come on, you drove the car.
- Well look I owe you one, all right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay, tell you something
you can do for me.
- What?
- Get some help with your reading.
- Man.
- Listen, Denise.
What you have is a learning
disorder called dyslexia.
You need to retrain your brain
to deal with information in a new way.
There's a specialist that
will help you after school.
- Look, I'm doing all right.
- Yeah, you are.
But you could be doing so much better.
But that's up to you.
Hey.
Think about it, okay?
- Okay, free film.
Free developing.
Come on, what more could you want?
Here.
(whimsical music)
My dad's a butcher.
You like veal cutlet from Minnesota?
Milk that.
(oven timer buzzing)
- Oh hi honey, how was your day?
- Hectic.
Boy something smells good.
- Manicotti.
Perfect timing.
Why don't you start on
the cheese and crackers.
(knocking on door)
- Yeah, it's open.
- [Robin] Hi.
- Hey.
- I just brought this Ray Bradbury book...
Maybe I should come back later.
- Why?
- Hi Miss Bishop.
- Hi.
- Oh, Robin, Pam House.
One of my students.
Pam, Robin Bishop.
- Hi.
- Hi, Pam.
- Freddy, I really didn't
make enough for three.
If you're planning on
inviting company for dinner
I wish you'd call and let me know.
- No, he wasn't actually.
I just stopped by to
help him with his lesson,
but we can do that in the morning.
- Oh, morning is much better.
I'll make French toast
for the three of us.
Do you like French toast?
- I bet she makes great French toast.
- I actually meant morning at school.
- [Pam] Oh fine.
- It's nice to meet you, Pam.
- [Pam] You too.
- Robin.
- I know this is none of my business.
But what the hell is going on in there?
- There's nothing going on in there.
Remember those bribes?
Well, Pam needed a place to stay.
- How long has she been here?
- A couple of days.
Look, my laundry has
never smelled so good.
Here, take a whiff.
- I'm sure it's April fresh.
I just hope having a
maid is worth the damage
you could do to that young girl.
See you tomorrow.
- All ready.
- Great.
- French or Italian?
- French.
- I knew it.
- Pam.
We gotta talk.
- Sure, what's up?
- I think you are a great girl.
- And I think you're a great guy.
- God, this is hard.
- Freddy, go ahead.
You can tell me anything.
- Okay.
You know how when
you're on your board
and you see the perfect
wave rolling in
and you think you got it?
- Um hum.
- Only something happens
and you don't get it.
I mean, the key to the
whole thing is timing.
If you're even a little
out of sync, you're grim,
you've blown the barrel, you're seaweed,
but then you look outside
and you see an even more perfect wave
than the first perfect wave.
And that's the one you catch.
Do you know what I mean?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I get it.
Surfing metaphors.
You're the perfect wave.
And I'm seaweed.
And if you want me out of
your house just say it.
- No, no, I'm not the perfect wave.
It's not just that I
want you out of my house.
- No, you want me out of your life.
- Pam look, I'm your teacher.
- No, no.
Look, anytime one person lets himself
care deeply about another person
that person runs a risk of
being rejected and destroyed.
I'll go get my things.
- Now wait a minute.
Look, you've cooked dinner.
It looks beautiful.
Let's sit down, eat.
- It's just food.
- Okay, I'm going to
collect your book reports.
Then we are on our way to court.
Homework, Pam?
- You expect me to relate
to the written word
after the hell you put me through?
Talk about shallow.
I've stepped in deeper puddles.
- You're excused.
- Mr. Shoop, don't you want mine?
- Larry, you're awake!
With homework!
What's wrong with you?
- I got fired.
They found out my real age.
- Hey, I didn't say a word.
- No it's all right.
My mom came to a show.
- Your mother?
- It was a nightmare.
And before she knew who I was
she put five bucks in G string.
And then my aunt Edna,
she kisses me.
With tongue.
And rips off my mask.
And mom freaked out.
She made me put on her coat.
- Sorry.
- You're sorry?
I'm at my sexual peak.
Once a guy hits 18
it's all downhill.
- But it's a lovely ride.
- Mr. Shoop, why did you
tell the arresting officers
that the vodka found in
the possession of Mr. Gremp
and Mr. Frazier belonged to you?
- Your honor, I was trying to
keep a couple of my students
out of trouble.
David and Francis have
enough problems as it is.
- It's true, your honor.
- Our lives are a mess.
(gavel pounding)
- Guys, don't help.
- Where did you young men
obtain the vodka in question?
- From Murray.
- Who's Murray.
- You know Murray.
Everybody knows Murray.
From Murray's Liquor.
- Didn't this Murray
ask to see proof of age?
- Well I come out pretty mature.
- Did you show him proof of age or not?
- Yeah, I guess I did.
- May I see it please?
- Um, I'd rather you didn't.
- I'd rather I did.
You were a black Marine in 1968?
(courtroom laughing)
- Vietnam.
A war puts a man through
many many changes.
- Young man, the possession
of false identification
and of alcohol by a
minor are serious crimes.
You've just confessed to both of them.
- I didn't mean to.
- Well ever since the arresting officers
let you off with a warning,
I'll probably do the same.
- Is this guy bitching or what?
- Now Mr. Shoop...
- Your honor.
My name is Robin Elizabeth Bishop
and I'm also on the
faculty with the defendant.
I submit that this man went
to jail for his students.
Very few teachers ever exhibit
that degree of dedication.
Therefore, your honor, I move...
- Don't move, Miss Bishop.
You're out of order.
And you're also correct.
Mr. Shoop, these charges will be dropped.
Case dismissed.
(gavel pounding)
(courtroom applauding)
- [Dave] All right!
All right!
- Shoop!
Let me tell you something.
The judgment about that
dedicated teacher crap,
the fact remains that you covered up,
thereby condoning student drinking.
I am filing report for
Kelban with the entire story.
Face it.
Those kids' test scores
aren't going to save you.
Because they're losers
just like you.
Hi.
I was just congratulating
our good friend, Mr. Shoop.
Now how about lunch, sweetheart?
- Tell you what, sweetheart.
Why don't you go ahead,
order two lunches and eat them yourself.
One for each face.
- Okay.
Today we take a practice test.
Pinpoint each of the weak spots.
Then we work a couple hours after school
and really straighten them out.
- Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
Practice test, extra class time?
That wasn't in the contract.
Eakian, get him.
- Hey the test is in two weeks.
You all need the extra work.
- I'm afraid we're gonna
need some extra incentive.
- Yeah, like a party with a band.
- I could use some wheels bad.
- And get me a job, man,
doing strip-o-grams.
- I don't believe this greed.
- Believe it man.
I need a house boy.
(kids laughing)
- It's a simple matter of
renegotiating our contracts.
- Renegotiate?
Who do you think you are, Teamsters?
- Yeah, Teamsters.
Strike!
(indistinct shouting)
(loud thudding)
- Look, for the past four weeks
I have given up all of my free time.
Had my body used for a tackling dummy,
my house trashed,
my couch set on fire,
my goldfish murdered,
my butt thrown in jail,
and my car wrecked.
All I'm asking for is
a little extra effort.
You know what's sad is you
guys can all pass that test.
But you're just so happy being failures
that you just don't know...
Why am I doing this?
Tell you what,
you guys drop out and be illiterate.
I'm going to Hawaii and be tan.
(door slamming)
- Have a cow.
- Damn!
Hey, thanks for the help.
Good luck.
- Where are you going?
- To quit.
- You can't quit.
- Sure I can, I never
got through to anybody.
- Oh, that's not true.
Those kids were learning.
You're not a quitter.
- Yes I am.
- How can you say that?
I've turned you down for dinner
at least a dozen times
in the last four weeks.
You haven't quit bugging me.
- Wanna go out to dinner tonight?
- Can't.
- See?
(indistinct chatter)
(hands clapping)
- Everybody take a seat.
You, in the cot, out of bed.
- Where's Mr. Shoop?
- Mr. Shoop has tendered his resignation.
Now sit down.
Would someone tell me what
Mr. Shoop had planned for today?
Yes?
- Group sex.
No, that's tomorrow!
Today is independent study
right after our mid-morning nap.
- Don't think you can
pull this BS with me.
I wanna see everybody
taking text books out
and turn to chapter seven.
- Read it again.
(humming)
Who's making that noise?
- What noise, I don't hear any noise?
What you got, dog ears?
- Chainsaw, stop doing that.
- Stop doing what?
You know I hear it too
and it's very annoying.
I wish you'd find the
hooligan that's responsible
because I am trying to
read chapter seven.
Again.
Mr. Gills, I just cannot study.
I'm going to the library.
- Chainsaw, sit down.
You people can hum til your lips fall off.
I could care less.
(bell ringing)
Wait a minute.
You're not dismissed.
You know I promise you,
you people act like psychopaths tomorrow
and you will be sorry.
- Ooh, we will be sorry.
- Mr. Gills sure does
know his child psychology.
- So Miss Cura, I just
wanted to let you know
that the children are
a little hyper active,
but I'm sure that you'll
enjoy their... gwave d'vive.
- Well so far I've only
subbed at grammar schools
so this should be a nice change.
(Denise screaming)
- Denise, Denise, take it easy.
What happened?
- Don't go in there without
a gun, it's terrible!
- Is this my classroom?
- Yes, it is.
- Who's blood is that?
Is that your blood?
- No!
(suspenseful music)
(teacher screaming)
- [Chainsaw and Dave] We're back!
(chainsaw buzzing)
(teacher screaming)
- What is wrong with you people?
- It's like you said, Gills.
We're psychopaths!
(chainsaw humming)
- Somebody better call
the school psychiatrist.
- I'm not amused.
Turn off those motors!
Everybody get up.
Now!
- I'm not ready for high school.
(kids giggling)
- Why'd she leave?
Didn't she like us?
- Where's her sense of humor?
- I have seen some sick things before,
but this,
this is...
- Devilishly clever.
- Vomenous!
- Thank you.
- We take a lot of pride in our work.
- Look, we want Shoop back.
- Why would Shoop wanna come back?
So Kelban can fire him?
- He might surprise you.
We did today.
- And we've got more for tomorrow.
(chuckling)
- Do we have a deal?
(giggling)
(upbeat pop music)
- Wondermutt, I do not wanna play.
Not now, I'm busy.
(dog whining)
(dog barking)
- Hi.
- Tough day at school?
- We've been torturing Gills.
- Yeah, he said you
could have your job back.
- Now why would I want my job back?
- Hey, my life is sailing.
Got a radio, blanket,
beach chair, dark glasses,
...dog.
Why would I want to go back to you guys?
- How about we can't pass
that test without you?
- Me and Chainsaw,
we've been sober for two days,
four hours and 15 minutes.
- No kidding?
- Swear to God.
Reality is so unreal.
- But it is a nice change.
- True, thumbs up.
- Um,
I think you should know that your phase
have outgrown you.
But I do want to be friends
if you can handle it.
- Shoop,
I'm seeing a reading
specialist this afternoon too.
- Look, study in school, after
school, whatever it takes,
we need a teacher.
What do you say, Mr. Shoop?
- Please?
- How can I say no to
these cute little faces?
(kids giggling)
(kids applauding)
(cheerful classical music)
Your practice test scores were great.
Hey come on, you've been here 12 hours.
I want you to go home.
Forget about this test.
Get a good night's sleep.
I'll see you tomorrow.
8:00 AM, the lecture hall.
Hey, trust me.
Come on, you're going to
kick ass and take names.
Believe it.
- We're really that ready?
- Ready, what time is the test tomorrow?
- 8:00 AM.
- You see, the correct
answers do not stop.
Now go on, get out of here, all of you.
Before the college recruiters show up
and try to drag you all off to Harvard.
Hey, I mean it.
(slow music)
Wondermutt, look, I found Bob!
Ha ha.
Go get it!
(alarm clock buzzing)
(whimsical music)
- Morning mom.
- Morning sweetheart.
- Morning dad.
- How do you want your eggs, honey?
Fried, scrambled?
- I don't know.
What are eggs?
- I'll surprise you.
- How do you spell cat?
- I don't know.
- Honey, what's wrong?
- I don't know what's wrong.
Everything's blank!
I don't know anything.
I don't know anything!
I don't know anything!
- Chainsaw, Chainsaw, Chainsaw!
Are you all right?
- I had a nightmare.
- About what?
- I don't know.
- Great day for a test, huh?
- Yeah.
- [Robin] Hey Shoop.
- An apple.
- For the teacher.
Give them hell.
- Hey, hey, we're testing in here.
- I know I'm in your class.
- I remember you.
Where you been?
- Bathroom.
- Six weeks?
- My zipper got stuck.
- Do not open the test booklets
until you are told to do so.
Using a number two pencil
take your answer sheet
and fill in your name.
Last name first, first name
second, middle initial last
on the first line.
Do this now.
- This officer is here to see
that there is no cheating.
- This officer is here to
see that there is no cheating.
- Festival of screw ups and their king.
- Mr. Gills extends his
warmest personal regards
and best wishes.
- Thanks for caring, man.
- Okay, break the seals
on your test booklets now,
and turn to the section
titled Reading Vocabulary.
You will have 20 minutes
to complete this section.
Everybody ready?
(Chainsaw screaming)
- Tension breaker, had to be done.
- Anybody else?
Good luck gang.
Ready, begin.
(upbeat music)
(apple crunching)
Sorry.
Run
And don't look back
We gotta keep our feet
On the right track
We're strong
And we never give up
'Cause we believe in a world of love
People will talk
Saying it's not meant to be
But I
Think that we're no differently
We're doing what can't be done
Mind over matter
Picked a battle that can't be won
Mind over matter
Fight
And never say die
We've got the right
To be satisfied
We're born to be so brave
Where's there's a will
there's gotta be a way
Sometimes it feels
Like we're losing altitude
But I
Have a winner's attitude
(soft panting)
- It's starting.
- Now?
Shit.
How far apart?
- 12 minutes.
- Try and slow it down.
Forget about the...
- Shh!
We're doing what can't be done
Mind over matter
Picked a battle that can't be won
- 30 seconds left.
(indistinct chatter)
- C, C, C, C.
C, C, C, C.
- And...
- 20 more seconds, 20 seconds.
- Stop.
Pencils down.
- C, C, C.
- Drop them!
- Just stay seated until Anna-Marie
has a chance to pick up your test sheets.
- Miss Mazzarelli, can I have those tests
after you're finished
collecting them please?
- [Shoop] Yeah Ken.
- Um, can Rhonda and I be excused?
She's having a baby.
- She's having a baby?
- I wanna see this.
- Calm down, everybody
just stay in your seats.
No problem, no problem here at all.
Rhonda, why didn't you say something?
- Because I wanted to finish my test.
- What do you need, hot
water, a ride, money?
- All we need is a hospital.
- Well what can I do?
- Get out of my way.
- I can do that.
Carmine, get out of her way!
Get the door.
- Save the umbilical cord.
- And the afterbirth if it's convenient.
- [Chainsaw] Good thinking.
- Come on, easy easy this way.
Watch out, watch out.
- You look terrific.
- I'm feeling pretty good.
- That's great.
- The baby is healthy and happy.
And my coach was incredible.
- Yeah well I couldn't
have done it without you.
- No cord, huh?
- Hey, when do we get to see
the little whippersnapper?
- Rhonda, don't let those two
near your baby, please.
(chuckling)
- Well it won't be a problem.
I'm giving her up for adoption.
She's going to a really good home.
- That's nice.
- I'm not ready to be a mom.
- Mr. Shoop.
- Ciao.
- Ciao, gang.
How's it going?
- All right.
- Okay.
- Bad news.
Gills said he's mailing you your scores.
- We failed.
- He just said the average
grade was below passing.
- So we failed.
- Hey, you didn't fail.
I failed.
(slow music)
- Field trips to the beach.
A bed in your classroom.
Drinking at the beach.
Screening of Texas Chainsaw Massacre One.
Quite a summer, Mr. Shoop.
- I tried to keep it interesting.
- I have this dismissal ready
for your signature, sir.
- Before I sign anything,
I understand there are
some people waiting
to speak on Mr. Shoop's behalf.
- Really?
- Come in.
- Mr. Kelban, you're not
actually going to listen
to these delinquents?
- No, I'm going to
listen to their parents.
I'm Principal Kelban.
Is there a spokesperson here?
- I guess I am.
I'm Howard Gremp.
- You're Chainsaw's father.
Interesting boy.
- You can say it.
He's a lunatic.
- Dad.
- Six weeks ago I thought he
had the IQ of a salad bar.
His only interest in life
was to make people sick.
I mean if my mother came to dinner
he would give the dog a third eye
or an extra leg.
Because of him we stopped having kids.
I mean you can imagine the feeling
when I saw him studying.
The wife and I almost burst into tears.
- David was doing his homework too.
- It makes sense, they
share the same brain.
- Not only did Mr. Shoop
get my daughter to read.
He taught how to drive.
- He showed Kevin there's more
to life than just football.
I'm not sure I agree, but it's possible.
- This man should not be teaching.
Proof is right here in these test results.
Look for yourself, Mr. Shoop.
Passing is 70.
Average score here was 63.
They failed.
- That is not true, Mr. Gills.
- You mean we passed?
- Well, no, no, not all of you,
but that's not what's important here.
Larry,
went from an 18 to a 51!
- If I'd only seen you
strip a week sooner.
- Oh, mom my...
- Rhonda, from a 29 to a 43,
and she gave birth.
(group applauding)
- Isn't childbirth
grounds for make up test?
- It always has been.
(group cheering)
- This woman thing never fails.
- Eakian, a 51 to a 74.
- I passed, I am an Eakian, grams!
- All right, Eeker.
- Denise, no previous test score
because you ditched every test,
but a 38.
- Honey, that's terrific!
- We'll get them next time.
- Kevin.
- Yeah.
- From a 48 to a 75!
(group applauding)
- Dad, I'm back on the team!
(men shouting)
- Chainsaw, last score was six.
This time 59.
Monster comeback.
(group applauding)
- That's good.
- And Dave, from a 26 to a 70.
- I Passed!
- You made it!
- You passed, you passed and I failed,
you asshole, how can you do that to me?
- It was an accident.
Take it again.
I can fail, I know it.
- And Pam went from a 53 to an 82!
(group gasping)
- Was that the highest?
- Well almost.
I mean that guy who spent
six weeks in the bathroom
got a 91.
But look, there's more going on here
than test scores and grades.
You all worked hard and you improved.
- Yeah, that's very nice, Mr. Shoop.
- The point is we are here
to discuss Mr. Shoop's
flagrant violation of school policy.
- Hold it Gills.
According to my numbers,
the average scores here
increase from 28 to 63.
Now that's 125 percent improvement.
Now that's teaching.
- [Group] Yeah.
- Mr. Shoop, I'm granting your tenure.
(cheerful music)
(group applauding)
- He's back, ladies and gentlemen!
(waves crashing)
- This is the last time I ask, I promise.
Will you have dinner with me?
I'll think about it.
Can I use some of that lip stuff?
- Does this mean we can
have dinner tonight?
- I didn't say that.
We'll just talk about it over breakfast.
(dog barking)
(upbeat rock and roll music)
Gotta a pretty girl
that loves me a lot
Gotta fast car that looks real hot
Gotta fine pad with stereo
And I don't do well in
the school where I go
Go go go go but I'm happy
I'm happy that world is upside down
Happy that we all made
it through another day
When I pick up the phone
I still remember what to say
I'm happy that my brain
still lives inside my head
Most of all I think I'm
hap hap hap hap hap happy
Happy for a brand new day
I know a guy with plenty of loot
You never catch him
in a two timer suit
He's got cool jeans
And plenty of rings
He told me buddy it don't mean a thing
Don't mean a thing if you ain't happy
Happy
Happy that the whole
world is upside down
Be happy that you made
it through another day
When you pick up the phone
You still remember what to say
Be happy that your brain
still lives inside your head
Most of all I think I'm happy
Yeah I'm happy
I'm happy that the whole
thing is ready to blow
I'm happy that sun has rise up again
But somewhere in this
world I still got a friend
Be happy that the big
one hasn't troubled yet
Be happy that you still got
Something something to predict
Whoo I'm happy
I'm happy
I'm happy
I'm happy
I'm happy
So happy
I'm happy
So happy
So happy