Swede Caroline (2024) Movie Script

1
[gentle music]
Yep. [sighs]
Is this for me? [chuckles]
All right. [sighs]
Ooh.
[producer]
Agricultural Appropriation,
slate 83, take one.
[Kirsty] No,
I-- I definitely didn't think
the big vegetable championships
at Shepton Mallet
would be my big break
as a filmmaker.
I was actually-- I was making
a film about pesticides
when I was at university.
And so that's how I met a lot
of the competitive veg growers.
Shepton Mallet was like their
sort of big event of the year.
A bit like Glastonbury,
but at Shepton Mallet,
the big veg growers
were the rock stars. [chuckles]
My name is Alan Bumbridge.
I'm the current
world record holder
for the largest leek,
the longest chili pepper,
and of course, the heaviest
marrow in the world.
Uh, not this one,
it was last year's. Very proud.
It meant a lot to Tony
to break the record
last year for biggest leek.
[host] Another round of applause
for Tony Knight,
ladies and gentlemen.
[Gail] He's not a big
shower of emotion, our Tony.
I like to say that
he's a grower, not a shower.
But I don't mean anything
cheeky, mind. [giggles]
Don't touch, don't touch,
don't touch, please, thank you.
Bumbridge and Tony,
they are very much
the Muhammad Ali
and Cassius Clay
of the big veg world.
Big rivals. Yeah.
Welcome, everyone,
to the 2017 annual
Big Vegetable Championships
here in Shepton Mallet.
[audience applauding]
Now, in half an hour,
I believe that
we are doing the weigh-in
for the one you've
all been waiting for, folks.
The prestigious
Heaviest Marrow category.
[audience applauding]
[Kirsty] It was there
that I first met Caroline.
2017, the year of Marrowgate.
That's what
they called the scandal.
From what I can remember, she
received an honorable mention
for particularly
girthy leek in 2016.
But in that year,
in what was 2017,
it was Gary, her marrow.
He caused quite a stir.
So, then,
what do we reckon, people?
Gary the Marrow.
Grown by our very own
Caroline back there.
Take a bow, Caroline.
She's already the holder
of the UK's heaviest onion.
But this could prove to be
a world beater right here.
Excuse me.
Uh, you two? You okay? Hello?
Oi.
-Oi! You two.
-Paul?
Disqualified?
What do you mean, disqualified?
[judge] It's been brought
to our attention,
there's a fissure, sir.
A hairline fissure
in the marrow.
Do you mean like a crack?
Gary's not got a crack in him.
For a marrow to compete,
it must have no split
or fissure in the outer skin.
Gary's not got a crack in him.
It's fine.
It's not
a subjective assessment.
We have 83 years of experience
of judging marrow among us.
You have a hairline fissure.
[Paul] Oh, it's a bit rich
coming from you, mate,
talking about hairline anything!
-I think you need to calm down.
-Calm down?
[Linda] She would've been
the first female ever
to win in a marrow division.
First ever, I swear to God.
Here,
there's a one and a half inch.
Nothing one and a half inch
about that at all.
There's nothing there, mate.
[judge] I'm surprised
you can't see it.
[Paul] I can see it very well.
I wonder why you can't see it,
though, mate.
Anyway, it wasn't meant to be.
Robbed.
Can't see a scratch
or a crack or...
Well, what can you do?
[Paul] Bullshit!
Bullshit!
Bull-shit!
Do you know what MP said to me?
"You are scaring the children."
Well, you know what
they should be scared of, mate?
Corruption!
Look, can-- can you
turn this off, please?
What is that?
["Do Nothing"
by The Specials playing]
I don't know
how I'm-- I'm gonna do this.
[Paul] All right, get round
here. Watch your back.
Lift with your knees.
Each day I walk along
this lonely street
-[Caroline groaning]
-[Paul] Come on.
[both grunting, groaning]
New pair of shoes
are on my feet
Get around here first.
'Cause fashion is
My only culture
Nothing ever change
Oh, no
Mate, what is that?
-You won't be able to reverse.
-Okay.
[sighs] Fuck's sake.
Jesus Christ, man. [groans]
Good, then? Sorted?
Got it all loaded up. Nice one.
-Caro, stop it.
-What?
Just stop pretending that you're
okay about what just happened.
Stop it, okay?
Here's the one and only
Mr. Alan Bumbridge!
There's a surprise.
Hello. [chuckles]
Thank you, judges. Thank you.
Thank you, pal.
[Caroline] Can we go?
I'm starving.
Just go and get
something to eat, Paul.
[Kirsty] It was clear that year
that the other growers were
scared of Caroline beating them.
That's when I decided
I was going to follow Caroline.
I got two friends
from my course to help me.
Never actually been, uh, in--
in a film before.
They won't feature in the film,
though, so forget about them.
But together,
we set out to follow Caroline
on her journey
to Shepton Mallet 2018.
How were we to know what
we were getting ourselves into?
[suspenseful music]
[reporter]
And now we turn to the scandal
that's really rocked
the West Country this week.
[man] It's a disgrace,
Barney, it is a disgrace.
They should've weighed
that marrow that lady brought.
[Paul] Someone should've
shoved that marrow
up the judges' arses.
Then they'd appreciate
the size of it.
[laughing]
[sirens wailing]
[man] If that's what they're
classing as a big marrow
down south, they need
to get a grip of themselves,
because I've seen
bigger grapes.
[woman] What this story clearly
is is an agricultural issue,
but it's a gender
issue as well.
[Paul] Ah, give it a rest, mate.
Give it a rest, mate.
[Caroline]
They took my fucking
vegetables.
[Kirsty] So, can you talk to us
about the jobs that you've done?
[Caroline] Oh, yeah. Well,
I've done a few jobs in me time.
All right?
I was air hostess
for a little while in Japan.
[speaking Japanese]
That means, uh,
"Hi, my name's Caroline.
Do you want steak or fish?"
It's a beautiful language.
I mean, to be honest, I like
to be time-rich, cash-poor.
I'd like to be time-rich
and cash-rich, obviously,
but that's not
gonna happen, is it?
Doing the best job
I've had in a while, actually.
Uh, doing a bit of work
for a couple of friends
that own a private
investigating business.
Working down the courthouse
at the minute.
Just doing some notes on a case.
That's why I'm dressed smart.
100 quid a day to take
some notes, cash in hand.
Easy money.
Right?
Won't be a minute.
Hold on this car.
Oh! Eas-- easy, tiger. [laughs]
[muffled dance music playing]
-Hey!
-[Caroline] Hey, there.
-How's it going, Caroline?
-Yeah, not bad.
-How was it today?
-Yeah, good. Same old.
Got the notes down
that you asked me to take.
-All right. Okay.
-Good job.
-All right.
-Oh!
-Oh, hi, Louise.
-Hi, Carol. Are you coming in?
[Caroline] No,
I've got to get home.
Er, yeah, Lawrence and Louise,
they're a lovely couple.
You know,
they're-- they're creative
and successful, very kind,
generous, flexible.
[Louise] Oh,
do you know what I have?
I have some of your clothes
from the last time.
I've washed your knickers.
[laughs]
Uh, I'll get them--
I'll get them next time.
Uh, let's just say
we had the same social circle
for a little while. [laughs]
-Hey! Oi!
-[Caroline] Oh, yeah, money.
[laughs] In such a hurry.
Forgetting the most
important thing!
-Oh.
-Did you want it?
-[both laughing]
-That's nice.
All right. Yeah.
-Hang on!
-What?
[Lawrence] Hold on.
Gee! Uh, that's it.
That's it. Work done now.
2:30. Get stuck into the garden.
-Lovely. Hiya, Willy.
-Caro.
I, uh-- [clears throat]
I've emptied
all the compost from the van.
Good stuff, Willy, good stuff.
-Nice one.
-There's-- Yeah.
Still a few bags left.
-Well, crack on.
-Yeah.
[Caroline]
Yeah, it's hard work, this.
Got to put the graft in.
You don't get
the heaviest onions in Britain
from sitting behind
a desk all day. [laughs]
Blood, sweat, and tears.
Here it is!
There's the garden. This is
where all the magic happens.
Fertilizer's key.
Tried a few different recipes
over the last 12 months,
something like that.
But the fish guts,
marrows especially seem to love.
[Willy]
My mate Sid did all this for 6.
When we first put it down,
we got all the cats,
didn't we, come in.
-Nightmare.
-[growls] Yeah.
But Willy's got
this thing on his windowsill.
Show 'em, Will.
-[airhorn blaring]
-Again, Will.
[airhorn blaring]
[neighbor] What the fuck
are you guys doing over there?
Oh, neighbors don't love it,
but what can you do?
Shouldn't let the cats
out at night, should they?
-Come down, Will!
-[airhorn blaring]
[laughs] Loves it.
The next key thing is light.
You've got to get light
on all parts of the plant.
Um, this tree
was overshadowing the garden,
so that had to go.
Uh, neighbors didn't
like it, did they?
You know what they're like.
It was a 30-year-old ash tree.
You didn't mind,
though, did you, Willy?
No. Thirty years.
Good [indistinct].
She didn't tell me
before she cut it down, no.
[Willy chuckles]
Ah, it's fine,
'cause I was away that weekend
at, uh,
my auntie's funeral, so, um...
she probably would've told me.
She probably would've asked me.
I just wasn't there to...
hear the words.
Last but not least, the final
thing, of course, are the seeds.
These are all children
of Gary the Marrow.
-God rest his soul.
-[Willy whimpers]
Yeah, basically
we've got three chances
of growing a world beater,
haven't we, really?
-[Willy chuckles]
-Yeah, Willy.
-[Caroline chuckles]
-[Willy grunts, chuckles]
[phone ringing]
-[Kirsty] Hello?
-[Willy] Kirsty?
Yeah.
-Kirsty Willows?
-Yes.
-Willy, what?
-It's Willy.
Oh, right. Yeah. What's up?
What do you mean, "What's up?"
You called me.
You're going to want to come
round to Caroline's tomorrow.
To-- today, I mean.
Something's happened, Kirsty.
It's bad.
[ominous music]
Oh, it's you. It's Kirsty!
-Were you followed?
-[Kirsty] What? No.
Right, come in.
Make sure you shut
that gate behind you.
You have to be
extra vigilant today.
The first--
these first few hours,
they're-- they're critical.
-Will you give it a rest, Paul?
-She is very emotional.
They took my fucking vegetables.
They hit in the early hours
of the morning.
[Kirsty] Yeah, Willy called me.
[Paul] What did I say
about using the phone?
-I didn't give away any details.
-[Paul] Jesus Christ, Willy!
Paul, give it a rest!
Just chill out!
-Chill out? Chill out?
-My head's killing me!
-Caroline is still in shock.
-I'm not in freaking shock.
I just want you
to just calm down a little bit.
We're all doing
our best, aren't we?
You're gonna have
a heart attack, mate.
I couldn't really tell
what was hurting me head more,
to be honest,
the fact that I'd been punched
or that Paul was going on
like he was Columbo.
[Paul] One more thing.
Uh, you can see they've, uh,
smashed through
this pane of glass here and--
Uh, just careful you don't
contaminate the crime scene.
Just, uh--
Now, luckily, Willy got
some video footage
of the incident
because he was doing
one of his taste test reviews
on YouTube at the time,
weren't you, Will?
I review canned goods.
-[Caroline] At 2:00 a.m.?
-That's magic time.
They have fucked it, really.
They have fucked it!
Because if you look down here--
come in, you--
Kirsty, get in close down there.
Clearly they've left
some blood on the side there.
-So, DNA.
-[doorbell chiming]
[Kirsty] Hmm.
I think there's
someone at the door.
Willy, you better not have
called anyone else.
Who's this? Press?
[Caroline] Uh, no,
she-- she's doing
a documentary on pesticides.
-So it's fine.
-Right. Good.
Lawrence and Louise.
Not quite sure what Caro
sees in them, to be honest.
I mean,
they've got nothing in common.
At least I hope they're not.
Some of the things I've seen.
-[chair squeaks]
-Chair.
Sir, could you step away from
the crime scene, please?
-It must remain uncontaminated.
-Excuse me?
This is my crime scene, sir.
Paul, what are we talking about?
It's bullshit, Caro.
I've been here since 6:00 a.m.
Well, there's a lot of politics
when it comes
to crime scene jurisdiction.
Crossing the county lines, egos,
always the little yappy dogs
that make the most noise.
Why didn't you show the guys
what you found, Paul?
Well, come on in.
Yeah, uh, you can clearly see
that they've, uh, smashed
through this pane of glass
there for entry.
I mean, this looks like
accidental damage.
Did you have
a lock on this, Caro?
Nah, I think I did that
when I threw the rolling pin.
What? Why didn't you say that?
I see you attempted to take
the thieves on yourself, Caro,
hence the, uh, peas.
Yeah. They knocked me clean out.
And one of them
was cut in the fray, though,
so we do have some blood DNA
down there for the lab.
The lab?
I mean, by the smell of that,
I think it might
actually be fizzy pop.
Probably grape.
-Yeah, I think I spilt that.
-What?
Well, there's not
a whole lot going on here, Caro.
I think Willy might have got
some footage of the break-in.
Oh, yeah.
I live just there.
Willy, would you be prepared
to show us the footage?
-Let's do it.
-I'll take you through.
[Louise] You know, it's that
sort of stuff that actually
makes it very handy
when you're investigating.
Willy, when did you
start recording?
-In general, or--
-Um...
[Kirsty] So, how did you guys
first meet Caroline?
-Uh, we met Caroline at work.
-Oh, we met at one of
our sex parties-- Work.
This is Asda's own beef stew.
It would be 42% beef,
32% potatoes,
and 32% carrots.
It's not as nice
as it sounds. [laughs]
-Trust-- trust me.
-Can we skip this little bit?
-It's-- it's a good bit.
-I mean, you can watch it later.
-Sure.
-[Louise] Yeah.
[dramatic music]
[Willy] Hey. Hey.
Car-- Caro. Caroline!
Caro-- Caroline! Caro!
Caroline, hey!
[airhorn blaring]
Here she comes.
-[Caroline screaming]
-Caro!
-Caroline!
-[glass shattering]
-Jesus Christ.
-Oh, that's--
-Oh.
-Yeah.
That's a big hit you took there.
-Been throbbing.
-Me too.
Wow, okay.
That's absolutely incredible.
You make a great detective,
Willy.
What do we think are the traits
for a private investigator?
Successful private investigator.
-Successful.
-Successful. Thank you.
-[both chuckling]
-[Lawrence] People? Yeah.
[Louise]
You have to work with people,
but you have to not let people
in so far that they hurt you.
-Um--
-Yeah.
-By being discreet.
-Discretion is everything.
-Keys, handcuffs. That's--
-[both laughing]
-Again, people don't expect...
-I know.
...um, private detectives
to be funny, but--
um, but also
a value for the law.
Yeah, though, we'll do needs
rates on it, without a doubt.
-Yeah.
-We're gonna do this one, too.
[Caroline]
How much would that be, then?
[Paul] I don't trust 'em, Willy.
Has Caro told you
what those two get up to?
Swinging.
See, all I'm saying is,
for private investigators,
they're not very private.
More like
privates investigators.
That's quite good, that is.
[Caroline] Okay.
Yeah, Okay, that's good.
Yeah, thank you so much.
-Anyway, I've heard--
-[Lawrence] Look after that bum.
Oh, yeah. See you later.
[door opens]
-Well?
-Huh?
Yeah, they said
they'd help me, but...
it's gonna cost 1,200 quid.
1,200 quid?
-Can't pay that, can I?
-[Paul] Well, of course not.
I will find the guys
that did this.
How are you gonna do that?
[Paul] Oh,
I've been thinking about that.
How did they know
that the plants
would be in the greenhouse?
Do you know what,
I'll bet you money that
-they bugged your house, Caro.
-Yeah.
[Willy laughing]
I think I need
a gin and tonic, Willy.
[Paul] See, I reckon
they used either a GSM bug--
um, Global System
for Mobile Comms--
uh, or an RF transmitter.
Now, you can get
an RF transmitter,
uh, pretty cheap these days,
if you know where to look,
which I definitely do.
Radio frequency.
Uh, just in case
you need the old handbook.
Clear!
I met Paul at school.
We lived in the same town.
We used to go raving together.
Clear!
[Caroline] I was coming home
from work one day
and I just bumped into him.
Knocked him off his bike.
Ended up looking after him
for six months
while he was bedridden.
The rest is history.
[Willy]
Do you want another gin, Caro?
Yeah, Willy, go on.
It's gonna be okay, you know.
Paul's gonna find him.
This was probably left over
from a party that we had.
Cocktail umbrella.
Bit of-- bit of tittle tattle.
This is a tractor
that Willy got me.
He loves getting me gifts.
He got me this owl.
[hooting]
[Kirsty]
What about those little cocks?
Huh?
Oh.
These were my late husband's.
I think Caroline and I
are a little unconventional,
a bit complicated, really.
I think, um...
I think when
her husband left her,
she...
turned to me, a little,
and, uh--
[Kirsty] Her husband left her?
She told me
her husband was dead.
How did your husband die,
Caroline,
if you don't mind me asking?
Well, he worked
at the Ovis factory
and, uh, fell in
one of the incinerators,
so... he was toast.
[Willy laughs]
I mean, for years she told me
that he drowned
in a vat of honey.
Came to a sticky end.
Died in the sprinkler aisle
at B&Q.
It was a watery grave.
That's one of my favorites.
She once told me
that her husband died in Stoke,
gone to a better place.
That's good if you're
from Stoke, though, isn't it?
[chuckles]
I've never been to Stoke.
[Kirsty]
What actually happened to him?
Oh, don't really wanna
talk about it,
to be honest,
Kirsty, if that's okay.
Can we just not discuss that?
Are we done?
Uh, I've got stuff to do.
[Willy] I think
when her husband left,
it fell on me
to be the man of the house.
I mean, not her house, per se,
but the man of my house,
which is next to her house.
Caro!
-Caroline!
-[knocking]
Caroline!
Oh,
fucking Willy always does this.
I just told him to come here.
I gave one of Gary's seeds
to Annette.
-My ex-girlfriend.
-[Caroline] Annette.
Wrong 'un. Yeah.
Broke Willy's heart.
And stole his coffee machine.
Coffee machine woman!
-Willy.
-[Willy laughs]
Yeah.
-So she's got the seeds?
-Yeah.
Well, let's go.
[Willy] Wow, she's in there.
She's definitely home.
[tense music]
Might be our only chance,
though, Willy.
Did she definitely plant it?
Yes. Yeah.
We planted it together.
Still have feelings
for her, Willy?
What? [stutters]
No.
No way. No.
With Annette and I,
it was just purely physical.
It was, um...
we had, uh...
We can leave it if you want
and just go home.
Caroline loved those marrows.
They're like children to her.
Do you have children?
[Kirsty] No, I don't.
[Willy] Well,
imagine you've got children.
And now imagine that you've put
those children in a greenhouse
and left them there overnight,
and the next morning
they are missing.
Hmm?
Hmm?
Come on, Caroline.
Let's get that bloody plant.

[Caroline] Uh, that woman
wasn't very nice to Willy.
She was a bit of a knobhead,
to be honest.
She stole
his coffee machine, so...
ah, I don't feel bad at all.
Willy, what are you doing?
This is for the coffee machine.
-Are you having a piss?
-Shh. Don't talk to me.
-Come on.
-It's not coming.
Oh, come on. Come on.
Waterfalls.
Waterfalls. Waterfalls.
[Caroline gasps] Oh, shit.
How are we doing
back there, Willy?
Well, soil's very dry, Caroline.
Very dry.
I don't know
if it's gonna make it.
Is there any water in the back?
-No.
-We've got to get him home.
Get some water in him. Feed him.
Oh, Annette,
you flipping monster.
I want Tomorite,
50 milliliters, okay?
-I've got it. I've got it.
-[Willy whining]
Okay, just--
just-- there you go.
Just grip it, grip it.
Finger and thumb.
Finger and thumb, not too tight.
I'm in. I'm in. I'm in.
-Here we come.
-Yeah.
-[Willy] Nice.
-[Caroline] Massage.
[Willy] That's good.
That's good, that one.
That's good, now, eh?
-[Caroline] Okay.
-[Willy] Okay.
Oh, Willy.
How we looking?
The pot was left out too long.
There's a lot of slug damage,
but...
Did my best.
[sighs]
What are our chances, Willy?
We're growing
a world beater out of that.
Let's just focus on getting
through the night, yeah?
Yeah, Willy was a massive cheat.
Yeah.
He was a record holder
as well, you know.
He got his title stripped
at the 2006 Nationals
for putting weights
in his pumpkins.
Uh, not been allowed within
100 feet of an allotment since.
Last day of the trials today,
so got to look
for some more work.
But I'm not worried,
something always comes up,
doesn't it?
I swear that car's
been following us the whole way.
[suspenseful music]
[knocking]
-Hey-yo.
-[Paul] Hey.
Um, I'll just be a minute.
I'm boiling eggs, Caro.
-If you want one, stick one in.
-Yeah.
The case against
drilling company Xomort
-was dropped today as...
-This is it? This is the trial?
...the woman's complaints
about them moving the site
of their community center
didn't have any grounds.
-Xomort's managing director...
-That's Mr. Anthony.
[reporter] ...spoke to
journalists after the trial.
Something quite sexy about him,
isn't there?
Yes, the company
has been a stalwart
of the Somerset community
for 20 years
and can remain true
to that commitment now
by not shutting down
their allotments
and community centers.
[Paul]
When Caroline fancies someone,
it's usually a sign
that they're a bit dodgy.
She's got quite
a developed bad-man radar.
Which is why she probably
never fancied me,
to be honest.
This is the case I've been
working on. It's on telly.
Yeah, yeah,
I've been following it.
That crooked MP's with him, too.
-What a bastard, eh?
-Shh.
I mean, it's outrageous.
They're
already drilling in our town
and why they need to move
near us, I don't know.
The community center
which they do workshops in
for sick kids is moving
and she don't want it
to be near her house.
[Paul sighs]
And they're not even,
like, infectious, are they?
Huh?
You know, they're just a bit
wibbly-wobbly, aren't they?
-I mean--
-They've got cancer, Paul.
-Ah, right. Oh.
-Yeah.
God, that woman.
Our old site can now
expand safely,
creating more jobs
in the community,
and our community center
and allotments now have
a great new space
to move into across town.
So how's the new plant looking
from Annette?
Not doing great,
to be honest, mate.
It's really struggling.
Gonna need some of your leads
to come through, Paul.
Oh, I've got you
some good leads, Caro.
Don't you worry about that.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Wait till you see this.
-Oh.
Yeah, come here. Check this out.
Uh, this post here
has got 137 likes
and 15 shares as well.
So the whole network
are on the lookout.
Okay. And what are they saying?
Uh, well,
check out the comments.
Um, this woman here says
that one of the blokes
that works at her garden center
has got a limp.
Now, that guy
that was in your greenhouse,
he's got a bit of a limp,
didn't he, hey?
-Did he have a limp?
-Yeah, yeah.
-And what are the others saying?
-Oh, um--
How awful.
We need to talk, is that it?
No, he's a bit of a twat,
forget about it.
Okay. 5'9 and 5'10,
how did you know that?
I thought that's
what you said, height.
Did you speculate that
from the--
From the description,
you did that with your hand.
Yeah, uh, well,
I'm-- I'm quite a big cheese
on-- on these encrypted forums.
Um, if you look
under my, uh, alias,
uh, it says "trusted source."
Now, that's because,
uh, all the information
that I have provided
has been corroborated,
verified, and fact-checked.
[Kirsty]
So, who does the fact-checking?
Um, well,
multiple anonymous accounts.
People like me. Good guys.
[Caroline]
What a load of old tripe.
[Paul] Caro, my friend Gavin
has solved three crimes
just by using Facebook,
so don't be so dismissive.
There's nothing here,
though, mate.
What do you mean
there's nothing here?
Well, I mean, you've had
three weeks to gather evidence
and all you've got
is a guy with a limp.
He's not even got a limp.
Well, what-- what about
the guy from Rotherham?
-What about him?
-Snooping round the allotments.
So they all think he's on meth.
Meth, Caroline.
That is not one
of the fun drugs.
-[knocking on door]
-Who's that?
Just gonna get away
with this, aren't they?
-[knocking on door]
-Fuck, shit.
Could be the TV license people.
They keep writing to me.
For fuck's sake.
Hi, have you considered
voting for--
How did you get my address?
Whatever list
you've got with my name on,
I want it taken off!
[sighs] Fucking hell.
Oh, hiya, Caro, love.
-Hiya.
-How you doing?
Have you come
for your pay packet?
Oh, no,
uh, Lawrence's paid me already.
Oh, great, okay. Yeah, oh,
by the way, your notes?
Oh, my God, you've been
doing such a good job.
I was just wondering if, uh...
you guys could
help me with my case.
Oh, really? What?
With your--
with your greenhouse?
Yeah.
Like, I can pay.
-Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Or I-- I could do installments.
Or if you get
any more jobs I can do.
Yeah, I mean,
yeah, um, well, you know,
yeah, well, I can definitely--
you know,
I can talk to Lawrence.
-Can you?
-Yeah, absolutely.
-Thanks, Louise.
-Absolutely. Yeah.
Hey, do you wanna, uh--
I mean, do you wanna
come in for a drink,
or what's your day like?
-It's a bit early for me.
-Okay, yeah. Suit yourself.
-Just me and Mr. Pussy here.
-[both chuckling]
-Okay.
-Cheers.
Okay, bye-bye.
Yeah, we'll-- we'll be in touch.
-Oh, great.
-Okay, good luck.
-Thank you.
-Okay, bye-bye. [chuckles]
Mmm.
That is like a cheese sandwich.
What does it taste like?
[Kirsty] Like a cheese sandwich.
Hmm.
Am I going mad,
or is that the car that was
behind us the other day?
-[Kirsty] Which one?
-[Caroline] There.
-Parking next to the white van.
-[Kirsty] Oh, yeah.
-I swear it was.
-[Kirsty] Hmm.
-[phone ringing]
-Lawrence.
-Hi, Lawrence.
-[Lawrence] Uh, hi, Caroline.
[Kirsty] Put him on speaker.
[Lawrence]
I heard you spoke to Louise.
Oh, yeah.
[Lawrence]
Well, look, we were wondering.
You know the Xomort allotments?
The ones they're clearing out?
Yeah, moving them all.
[Lawrence] There are
some temporary structures
that have gone up there.
It wouldn't be good for me
and Louise to be seen there,
but do you think
you can check it out for us?
Structures? Yeah, yeah.
And will you start on my--
[Lawrence] We'll start
on your marrow thief, yeah.
Thanks, Lawrence.
[Lawrence] But Caroline, you've
got to stay discreet, yeah?
Just find out what the
structures are and report back.
-Don't speak to anyone.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. No.
All good.
Won't let you down, Lawrence.
See? Something always
comes up, doesn't it?
See? Look. It's that car.
[suspenseful music]
That's freaked me out.
Do you mind if
we just go and do something?
I hate being followed.
It's intrusive, isn't it?
And Paul had made it worse
because, uh, there's
always something with him.
You know, there's
a conspiracy or something,
and it made me really paranoid.
-[chain rattling]
-[Caroline grunts]
You can't be too careful
with everything that's going on,
so-- a knot in this one.
That's it. [groans]
[panting]
Yeah, man, good one.
It'll be all right.
Look at the growth on that.
We've isolated this vegetable.
Call him Ricky Hatton because
he's a fighter. [chuckles]
Hey-up, Willy.
-Hey, Caroline.
-[Caroline] How's it going?
Yeah?
-Talking to Ricky?
-Yeah.
Bringing him on a little bit.
[Kirsty] You called your marrow
Ricky Hatton?
Yeah, yeah.
I wanted to call it
"Marrow-lin" Monroe, but...
Thought it was a bit naff,
didn't we, Will?
Yeah, she doesn't even box.
Yeah, she doesn't box.
[laughing]
"Marrow-lin" Monroe.
Um, "Marrow-lin" Manson.
Um, "Marrow-lin" McCready.
[Kirsty] Who's Marilyn McCready?
Oh, she was a girl
I was at college with.
But we thought it was
a good omen because she was...
big.
Used to call her 3D McCready,
because when she walked
into a room,
she was here,
there and everywhere.
[phone chimes]
-Caroline, are you okay?
-Yeah.
Keith's got testicular cancer,
Willy.
-That's-- That's my ex-husband.
-Ha!
Ha!
[Willy laughing]
Yeah, I-- I get it. I get it.
He's-- He's-- He's one ball
in the grave, isn't he?
He's gone balls deep in the--
I think--
I think he's dying, Willy.
Do you think she's mad?
I wouldn't have said it.
I shouldn't have said it,
really.
I didn't know
she was not joking,
because, well,
she makes really funny jokes,
but this time I didn't know
she was talking about,
um, ball cancer.
[Caroline clears her throat]
All right.
[sighs]
[clears throat]
[Willy] Caroline!
-Caroline!
-[Caroline] Oh, no.
Caroline, I'm so sorry.
I-- I-- um, I wouldn't have
said it, you know I wouldn't,
if-- I thought
you were joking, so...
It's all right, Willy.
I know I said I wanted him dead,
but not literally, you know?
You going through town?
Drop me off at the Asda?
Got stuff to do, Willy.
It's okay.
-I'll come with you.
-Get in, yeah, just get in.
-No rush.
-No rush.
Brilliant.
-Hey, hey, Caroline.
-Oh, no, another one.
-Hey, where are you going?
-[Caroline] Hey?
We need to talk.
Got to go to the Xomort
allotments, mate.
Allotments?
I can't go to the allotments.
-I'm sorry, no.
-Well, that's up to you, Willy.
Listen, I'll come with.
I've got to tell you
about some new leads.
[Caroline] Right, Willy,
are you in or out, then?
Technically, my ban is over,
but it is, you know,
Having been banned,
it's gonna be pretty--
Let's go, let's go.
Now, then,
if this isn't suspicious,
then I don't know what is.
Over the last ten days or so
at the Artisan Vegan Caf,
the daily specials have included
some of the following.
Marrow risotto.
Well, you should always
and only talk about your leads
in person,
never on the phone.
I learned that
from watching JFK,
The Conversation, Goodfellas.
You can learn a lot
from watching movies,
as students watching this
will attest.
Now, just stay here.
I'll only be a few minutes.
[Carol sighs]
-Carol.
-What?
This is where Tony Knight
grows his vegetables.
Paul, just stay in the car.
Paul, what are you doing?
Just gonna have a quick
look round,
seeing as we're here,
do some recon.
No, Lawrence said
to be discreet, mate.
-Please, just--
-Lawrence, Lawrence, Lawrence.
Do you think
I've not done recon before?
-Have you, really?
-Yes.
Ten minutes,
be back in ten minutes.
-Copy that.
-Copy that.
Willy, what are you doing?
No, stay in the car.
I can't stay there on my own,
people'll think I'm a lurker.
[Caroline sighs]
[suspenseful music]
[Kirsty] So where are we, Willy?
We, uh, we are in the, um,
allotments belonging to Xomort.
Um, the community center's
just there,
and, uh, the drilling's
over there,
and, uh, they are pretty
nice allotments,
I used to have one...
until, uh, they took it
away from me.
Don't wanna talk about it.
Are these just temporary
water tanks? These, Willy?
Oh, yes, yes.
-Huh?
-Temporary.
-[distant popping]
-[Paul screaming]
-Shit, what was that?
-[Paul] Fuck!
-[gunshot popping]
-[Paul] Fuck!
-Shit! Aah!
-Is that Paul?
-[Willy] Paul?
-[Paul moaning]
-[Paul] I'm hit!
-[Caroline] Paul!
-Paul, what are you doing?
-I'm hit!
I've been shot.
What do you mean
you've been shot?
[Paul] Oh, shit.
Shit, it's Tony Knight,
he's got a gun.
[Paul] I'm dying.
-What are you scaring off?
-[Tony] Hear him?
[Linda] Oh, no, no, no, no!
-Ton-- no, Tony, stop!
-Tony, it's me!
-Hey!
-Stop it, stop it! Stop!
-What?
-Stop it!
I'm hit!
Caroline, I've been hit.
[Tony] Creeping around
about my marrows.
I'm gonna defend them.
Could have been this.
Could have been my fists.
In a way,
he's lucky it was this.
What is going on?
-What's he doing here?
-You shot me!
I'm not banned anymore, Tony,
not banned anymore.
I was just on a stroll, Tony.
Sorry, we're gonna go now.
Paul, come on.
Um, excuse me, my brother's got
a first aid kit.
Well, go and get it then,
God's sake.
I can't believe you shot me.
It's just an air rifle,
it's not too bad.
Galahad 303.
East German, late '70s.
The Galahad 303,
I've not seen that rifle
in years.
It's more like a musket.
Scope on it's three to nine mag.
Range, 60 yards.
But I could knock a cock off
at 30.
Yeah, no wonder he missed
three out of four shots,
got a better chance of hitting
a target with a boomerang.
Get me the first aid kit, man.
-Are you stupid?
-He's not stupid.
He's deaf, can you not talk
to him like that? Honestly.
Hey! Did you just
call me a wanker?
[Tony] I'm gonna have
to report this.
[Paul] I'm not a wanker, he's
the one using the Galahad 303.
What is this, mate, 2009?
Please stop it!
-Tony, we're gonna go now.
-Have a look at me here, Tony!
You can't move me!
I've done my time, Tony!
You wanker, wanker, wanker,
wanker, wanker!
I don't know
why he called me a wanker.
I've never met the lad.
-Hey, we're gonna go now.
-Wanker!
-Help me. Help me.
-Wanker!
[sighs] Paul's just like,
he's just alluring to himself,
really.
Everything he touches
turns to shit.
I mean, maybe, uh--
[clears throat] I was suffering
a bit of the red mist
on the battlefield,
but then, hey-ho,
all's fair in love and war.
[Paul grunting]
Don't take me to hospital, Caro.
You go in with gunshot wounds,
they put you on the list.
I wasn't going to, Paul.
You will take me to Asda,
though, won't you?
I can't be late again.
[cell phone ringing]
[Caroline sighs]
[cell phone ringing]
-Oh, hiya, Lawrence.
-[Lawrence] Caroline.
I've been trying
to reach you for ages.
Uh, yeah, yeah, no,
sorry about that.
[Lawrence] What the hell
happened yesterday?
I said be discreet,
but then there you were,
down there with
a flippin' camera crew.
-Yeah...
-Did someone get shot?
Oh, yeah, just--
just a little bit.
[Lawrence] Only a little
bit shot?
Yeah, well,
it was just an air rifle,
and he milked it, so.
[Lawrence sighs]
Caroline, look, uh,
I'm afraid this isn't gonna
work for us in this
arrangement.
You did great in the courtroom,
but I don't think
there's anything else
you can do for us.
Right, um...
no, I understand, yeah.
[Lawrence] But we've made a few
inroads into your case, though.
You can come and get your file,
if you'd like.
And if you didn't find
the money, we'll pick it up.
How's that? A mate's rate.
Yeah, mate-- mate's rates, yeah.
Um, I'm so sorry,
Lawrence, again.
-Just really sorry.
-[Lawrence] No worries.
-Sorry.
-[Lawrence] Yeah, no worries.
Bye, bye.
[somber music]
-Got you a can of Coke, Kirsty.
-[Kirsty] Cheers.
There you go.
Best chips in town, them.
That sausage.
Always helps
when you've had a shit day.
[Kirsty] Do you feel like
Lawrence was justified
in what he said?
[Caroline] Probably, yeah.
I mean,
he'd asked me to be careful.
But I think it'll be all right.
We'll see, won't we?
You know, things go wrong,
don't they, in life?
-You've just got to--
-[cell phone ringing]
You've just gotta
take the rough with the smooth.
-This might be him now.
-[cell phone ringing]
Um...
Uh...
Mind if I just take this?
[Keith] Caro.
Caroline.
[Caroline] Yeah? What?
What are you calling me for?
[Keith] I'm dying, Caro.
[Caroline] Yeah, I know, you--
you texted me.
[Keith] Right.
Uh, well, I'm just
calling some people.
I wanted to say some things.
[Caroline] Why-- Why--
Why, Keith?
[Keith] I don't know,
because I do.
Right.
Go on, then.
[Keith] How are you?
-Yeah, I'm good, Keith, yeah.
-[Keith] Okay.
Well, I guess all
I wanted to say
was that I did love you,
Caroline.
Shut up, you dickhead.
[Keith chuckles]
Yeah, I know, I know.
[somber music]
You just think about a lot
of things, don't you?
Don't think I'm gonna give you
any sympathy
-'cause you're dying.
-[Keith chuckles]
I don't want sympathy.
[laughs] That's why I came
to you, didn't I?
-Give me that tough love.
-[Caroline chuckles]
Still, fuck off. Hmm!
[Keith] Yeah, well,
not long now.
Take care of yourself, Caro.
Bye, Caroline.
Goodbye, Keith.
[sorrowful music]
[crew member] You don't have
to talk about it.
I'd prefer not to.
Thanks.
[bag rustling]
[microwave buttons beep]
[Caroline groans]
[Caroline sighs]
-[crunching noise]
-[Caroline screaming]
Oh, my God!
What are you doing sat here?
What are you sat
in the dark for?
What's that?
Why are you whispering?
What's--
-Whoa, I'm not in the mood.
-[Paul] Shh! Shh, shh.
[muffled squealing] Stop it!
-Shh! Shh, shh.
-Let go. What are you doing?
-Caro, Caro!
-Stop it.
What's he doing?
[machine whirring]
Caro!
That is an RF transmitter,
a listening device.
We found it in the greenhouse.
-What?
-What?
-Are you kidding me?
-Speak up.
-Are you kidding me?
-Just-- Just--
Did it hurt when Caroline
called those two perverts
to work on the case
instead of me?
Yes, it did.
But who found
the listening device?
I did.
[Kirsty] Didn't Willy find it?
Willy found it, yes,
technically,
but who was the one he called?
Me.
That plant is not safe here.
We need to get it and you
out of here, ASAP.
But where are we gonna go?
Don't worry about that,
because we've got it sorted.
Apparently,
Willy's mum's got a little place
with a garden that we can--
[whirring stops]
[machine whirring]
You can stay
at Willy's mum's place
until after the competition.
Okay.
Turn it off, Willy, turn it off.
[neighbor] Can you please
shut the fuck up?
Sad.
How are we gonna fit
Ricky in the car?
You sure
he's all right in there, Willy?
Look, Ricky's doing fine, Caro,
just get in the car.
[whispering] I can't do that.
Oh, shit.
I can't close it
because of the--
Look, I'm getting scratched
to shit here,
just get a move on.
[car starts]
Willy, you'll have to give me
directions.
Just head south out of town,
and I'll take you from there.
[Caroline] When we found out
we were being listened to,
we just had to get out of there.
You just never know what these
big veg growers are capable of.
-See that car behind us?
-What car?
That car's been following us
all week, hasn't it, Kirsty?
-Shit!
-What?
We're gonna have to lose 'em.
How are we gonna do that
with the boot open?
How many cars you see with
the boot open?
-Make that right, there!
-We're not going that way, Paul.
-Just do it!
-Oh, no, we're going left,
-we're going left, right, Willy?
-Run it, Caro!
I'm trying not to fucking die,
Paul.
Oh, shit!
I've just been flashed now,
that's 80 quid.
-Did they run it?
-I can't see 'em.
There's a car park up there.
-Go, go, go!
-I'm going, I'm going!
Paul, stop it!
Oh, shit.
Maybe they weren't following us
after all.
I don't think so.
-[Paul] Oh! Oh!
-[Caroline] Oh, fuck!
[Willy] I think your back end's
fallen off, Caro.
Oh, Willy.
Right, then.
We're gonna need
to get this car off the road.
How far
is your mum's house, Willy?
Not far.
[Paul sighs]
That's it, over the top, Willy.
That's it, put it down.
Right, you need to rope that on
with something.
Double knot it.
Anchor point that side,
anchor point this side.
Should be fine.
[grandiose music]
[Caroline]
Is that your house, Willy?
[Willy] Oh, well,
my mum's house.
She-- She got it in the divorce.
[Paul] Who did she divorce,
the fucking king?
[intriguing music]
King Willy... [laughing]
-...we called him.
-One of the landed gentry.
I love the house.
Born with a silver teaspoon
up his backside.
-Freezing, though.
-Cost a fortune just
-to have the windows cleaned.
-Couldn't live there.
-Sugar?
-Thank you.
-Thanks.
-Thank you.
[line ringing]
Who are you calling?
-Lawrence and Louise.
-Oh, what?
You don't need 'em, Caro.
I've got the number plate
of that car.
-Have you?
-Yeah, I'm locking it up now.
Mother's gone to bed early,
I'm afraid,
but, uh, she says
you are both
more than welcome to stay.
Quelle surprise, Malcolm
has over-brewed the tea again.
So it's a Range Rover.
Color, Peruvian black.
Passed its MOT last October.
And it says here,
offside front tire,
worn close to legal limit.
What's that got to do
with anything?
-It's intel, Caro.
-Oh.
Willy, has your mum got
a car here that you can drive?
A couple, yeah.
Can you take me to Lawrence
and Louise's in the morning?
I'm just getting it all up here.
[sighs] Right, I'm going to bed.
Top floor, um,
along the corridor, 13th room.
Um, Malcolm's turned down
the bed
and left fresh towels
in the armoire.
Good night.
[Paul] Yeah, she wanted
to call up Lawrence and Louise,
I have no problem with that.
[crew member] It didn't
bother you that she...
wanted to go and see them?
Not in the slightest.
Next question.
[birds chirping]
["Real Bad Lookin'"
by Alex Cameron playing]
I am the drunkest,
ugliest girl at the bar
Oh well I'm scheming,
and I'm scheming
And I'm scheming,
and I'm gonna go far
All the boys,
yeah they think I'm a star
Because I'm drinking,
and I'm drinking
And I'm drinking,
yeah I go pretty hard
I get a pinch on my ass
When I lean on the sill
And then I bent it,
and I bent it
And I bent it
but not to pick up the bill
My husband's at work
My baby's in a Daewoo sauna
[Kirsty] Did you expect this
of Willy?
No.
He eats home brand everything.
I mean,
he never buys anything new.
He's never got any money.
Easy does it, Tiger.
Willy!
Where did you
pull this one from?
-Got me a spare.
-"Got me a spare."
Right, let's go. [laughs]
Hey!
[cheerful music]
What do you got here, Willy?
Come on! Is this your Mom's?
Do I look like Grace Kelly?
In the moonlight. [chuckles]
Yes!
-You're a disgraced Kelly.
-[laughing]
[line ringing]
[line ringing]
[automated voice] I'm sorry.
He's not answering the phone,
Willy.
[knocking lightly]
Caroline?
-[crew member] Yeah, look.
-It's open-- an opening.
[suspenseful music]
[Caroline] Hello?
Lawrence?
-[Willy] They've been robbed.
-[Caroline] Louise?
Or attacked.
Oh, they do have
these parties and...
sometimes they can get
a little bit out of hand.
I'm a modern man,
each to their own.
It's not for me, really.
I don't quite know
what happens there.
Put 'er down, Willy.
You're not just tied up
somewhere, are you?
Um, I suppose if I was
being really open-minded,
I'd probably go and watch.
[mysterious music]
[door creaks]
-[camera beeps]
-[muffled talking on video]
Caro?
Caroline, you got to see this.
Willy, I found the files
for the marrows brief.
-What are you watching that for?
-Have a look at this.
You've gotta to see it.
I don't wanna see that, Willy.
Which Willy?
Here.
Look at this bit.
[woman] Oh, yeah!
[people all talking at once
in video]
Oh, well, that's looking
lovely, right?
[muffled talking on video]
Now, so many people are going--
Hmm!
[people all talking
at once on video]
It's all set!
[man] Wait!
Everybody outside,
you're coming with us.
-[man 2] Get out, now.
-Move!
-That shit's not--
-I'm not fucking joking, move!
Jesus Christ.
Is that something
they normally do?
I don't know.
Could be into that.
What do you think
they're asking?
I don't know.
I can't move, I'm strapped in.
Please, he's strapped in.
He's got very sensitive skin.
I can't-- Hey, all right.
[suspenseful music]
No.
Willy.
Turn that off, come on.
Listen to this, Paul, all right?
"The potential suspects
can reasonably be deduced
to be the key competitors
in the Marra division
at Shepton Mallet
due to vested interest
of said parties."
Oh, these guys are perverts.
"The alibi of Tony Knight
from the evening in question
is watertight,
with three
corroborating witnesses
confirming that he rolled a 135
at Hereford Megabowl
that night."
-135's good.
-Shut up, Willy.
No, they wanted
to get kidnapped.
You can tell by their faces,
they're freaks.
Paul, are you listening to this?
I'm sorry, Carol,
but these are the people
you paid to take on your case.
"Alan Bumbridge's alibi,
however,
did not stand up to scrutiny.
He professed to be
at a business conference in York
on the date in question,
but the conference
was actually two weeks earlier.
Indeed, Bumbridge's name
was not even
on the list of attendees.
So, it was Bumbridge.
Oh, Willy, leave it
to the professionals, mate.
So, it was Bumbridge.
[dramatic music intensifying]
Yeah, I think, in hindsight,
we probably should have called
the police at that stage.
["Tied up in Nottz"
by Sleaford Mods playing]
What's going on?
I got him into this mess, Paul,
and I'm gonna get him out of it.
Oh, that's more like it!
The smell of piss
is so strong
It smells like decent bacon
Kevin's getting footloose
on the overspill
Under the piss-station
Two pints destroyer...
I've got work in the morning,
and that's why
I can't go to Yorkshire.
It's okay, Willy,
we'll take a car, though, yeah?
Yeah.
I woke up
with shit in my sock
Outside
the Polish off-license
"They don't mind"
said the arsehole to the legs
You got to be cruel
to be kind, shit bank
Save it up
like Norbert Colon
Release the stench
of shit grub like
A giant toilet kraken
The lonely life
that is touring
I got an armful
of decent tunes, mate
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
But it's all
so fucking boring
Tied up in Nottz
Carol, get us a Lilt.
What's this,
didn't they have any Lilt?
-Rubicon?
-[Caroline] New one.
-It's a new type.
-It's got mango in it.
[whispering] He's in there.
What, he's in the greenhouse?
What time is it?
I heard that he sleeps
with his vegetables for weeks
leading up to the competition.
[suspenseful music]
-Carol.
-Huh?
While we're in there,
let's not use our names.
You call me Magpie,
and I'll call you Blue Jay.
All right.
-What's that?
-Go, go.
Shit.
Psst, Carol.
Magpie and Blue Jay.
What do you think?
Do any of these look like Gary?
Well, there is some resemblance.
I guess they are marrows.
Shit, the objective's
coming out.
For fuck's sake.
-[Alan] Hello? Who's there?
-Yeah, like I said,
I was worried
about him having a gun.
-It's definitely too late now.
-Now I am worried.
-Can you see him?
-Yeah.
-He's unarmed.
-Oh, good.
And grizzled.
-Paul.
-In a wheelchair.
In a wheelchair?
Paul, what are you doing? Paul!
Get some!
[Alan grunting]
[Paul]
Where are they, you bastard?
[Alan]
Oh, what are you talking about?
-Who are you?
-Never you mind who I am.
Magpie, don't hurt him.
-Caroline?
-Oh, fuck, hi, Alan.
What's going on?
Where are they, Bumbridge,
the people that you kidnapped?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
-Paul, stop it.
-[Sonia] Get off him!
Get the hell off him!
-Caroline?
-Sonia?
-What are you doing?
-[Paul] Whoa, whoa,
is that a flare gun?
Get off my husband!
[Paul] Not before
he answers a few questions.
Look,
if this is about your marrows--
Where were you the night
of the Fourth of August?
Fourth of August?
He was at
a conference, Caroline.
[Paul]
At a conference, were you?
Yes, I was!
-[Paul] You liar!
-[Sonia] I'll shoot you!
Don't shoot that in here,
you stupid woman!
Don't you call me
a stupid woman!
Tell her
where you were that night.
[Sonia]
What's going on, Caroline?
[Paul] Oh, there was
no conference, was there?
What's he talking about, Alan?
The weekend that
my marrows were stolen...
[Paul]
Give me your phone.
...there was no conference
in York.
There was a fucking conference.
Give me that!
The one he said he was at was
actually three weeks earlier.
-Is this true?
-Give me my phone!
[Paul] Fourth of August,
incoming call, Martha.
-Outgoing call, Martha.
-Give me my phone!
You were talking to Martha
that weekend?
-That's not who you think it is.
-Get off him, Paul.
No, stay on him, Paul!
Alan's not kidnapped anyone,
has he?
And there I was,
waiting on you hand and foot
while you were off
with that bitch Martha.
Sonia,
we're just gonna leave you--
-Fuck off, Caroline.
-Thank you.
And you call me a stupid woman
in front of our guests.
They're hardly
our fucking guests, Sonia.
[Paul]
Gonna walk through this, mate.
[Alan] You've got it all wrong.
She's just in the business.
It turns out that
Bumbridge was having an affair
with a woman called Martha.
That's where he was
that weekend.
You get what you deserve
in this life.
Ergo, he deserved it.
[phone chimes]
Oh, it's your ex-husband.
He says, um...
"Sorry to bring bad news."
I can't read all that.
You're going to need
to face-log in.
Right, here we go.
Uh, "Sorry to bring bad news."
Uh,
"Keith sadly passed away
in the early hours of Thursday
morning in hospital."
Uh, "It was painless and quick
and all of his family were
eye aside for the final hours."
Well...
good riddance.
Why did you
have to fucking say that?
[Paul] Because he was
a bastard to you, Carol.
Why did you do that
with Bumbridge?
Why did you jump on him?
Of course,
he's not kidnapped them.
Of course,
he didn't kidnap them.
When the two perverts
said that he was a suspect,
do you remember?
Yeah, a suspect
in stealing my marrows.
-Are you having a piss?
-[Paul] Yes, I'm having a piss.
Why do men
always have to do that?
[engine idling]

It's a car.
It's a car.
[Paul]
You are seriously saying
that your marrows
go missing one day
and then you bring them
two pervy diddlers
to help on the case,
then three weeks later
they go missing.
Well, that's just a coincidence.
We should have phoned
the police, Paul.
-Why?
-Why?
Because my marrows
have gone missing
and for all we know,
Lawrence and Louise
could be dead now.
They could also be
at some sex party
at the Burgheim for all we know,
dressed up in Lederhosen,
tossing everybody off!
Carol, I'm under the radar,
I am deep in this shit!
I cannot have the police
in my business.
What business is that, Paul?
Hosting quack theories
on conspiracy websites.
Conspiracy? Oh.
Oh, right, it all comes out now,
doesn't it, eh?
You're not Edward
fucking Snowden, mate.
Fucking idiot.
[Paul]
Take me home, Carol.
[phone ringing]
It's Willy.
[automated voice] I'm sorry.
[Willy breathing deeply]
[music intensifying]
[knocks on door]
[doorbell ringing]
[both yelling]
[Caroline] What the fuck?
When I pulled up
outside the house
and saw that car,
it was terrifying.
I'd been up all night,
we'd had that thing
with Bumbridge.
Paul had lost his temper.
I didn't know what to think,
to be honest.
Carol!
Yeah, it's just one thing
after another with these boys.
You see, Car-- [stammers]
You're tired, it's fine. Um...
-We'll talk about it...
-[Caroline sighs]
...in the morning. It's good--
And that was one more thing
that I had to sort out.
[Caroline grunts]
Mom's spuds needed
digging up, didn't they?
Listen.
[man over phone] Myself
and the board of Shapton Mallet
have been informed
of a major breach
of growers' rulebook
in the early hours
of this morning.
We take these sort of
allegations very seriously
and will not
act without proper evidence
being supplied,
but a committee vote
on disqualification
is not off the table.
I am sorry, Caroline.
What did you do?
Paul attacked Bumbridge.
Oh.
Oh, Jesus.
Really?
I need to call
the police, Willy.
Hm.
Yes.
What will I, um...
What can I say to them?
Um...
Why did you do it, Willy?
[Willy]
Self-defense.
No, why-- why did you cheat
at Shepton Mallet?
All I've ever wanted to do
is grow vegetables.
Didn't even wanna compete.
-[nearby shouting]
-What's that?
-Who is that woman, William?
-Where's she gone?
She ran upstairs.
Shall I call the police?
No! No, Malcolm, no!
Nobody, nobody.
Don't call the police.
[Malcolm] Sir...
she has a kitchen knife.
Really?
We know you're up there.
We only wanna talk to you.
[tense music]
[Caroline] Hey, come back here!
-That's my mother's bedroom.
-[Caroline gasps] Okay.
[woman breathing heavily]
Stop!
William, i-- is that you?
I don't have my glasses.
Yes, Mom, it's me.
Everything's fine.
I'm just showing a few friends
around the house.
They think it's lovely.
Who are you?
Why are you following us?
Okay.
Let's, uh...
calm down.
Shall we, Caroline?
How do you know my name?
[Willy's mom]
Is that your Caroline, William?
I thought you made her up
like the last girlfriend.
Please, Mom, not now, okay?
I know a lot
about you, Caroline.
Who sent you?
Surely you
already know that, William.
-Was it Tony Knight?
-No.
Who sent you?
-Who?
-Mr. Patterson pays me.
[Caroline] The MP?
What does he want
with my vegetables?
This isn't about
your vegetables, Caroline.
Is that
your girlfriend, Caroline?
-[Willy's mom] William--
-Look,
you seem like a nice person,
so I'm gonna
give you some advice.
You're in over your head.
Where are Lawrence and Louise?
They're gone.
They got mixed up
in bigger things.
But you should let
this one go, Caroline.
-Trust me.
-[Willy's mom] William!
Stop ignoring me.
I'm not ignoring you, Mom.
-I'm just talking to--
-[woman exclaims]
Let it go, Caroline!
Let it go!
How has she done that?
["I Wanna Be Yours"
by John Cooper Clarke]
I wanna be
your vacuum cleaner
Breathing in your dust
I wanna be your Ford
Cortina
I will never rust
If you like your coffee hot
Let me be your coffee pot
You call the shots,
I wanna be yours
I wanna be your raincoat
For those
frequent rainy days
I wanna be your dreamboat
When you wanna sail away
Let me be your Teddy bear
Take me with you anywhere
I don't care,
I wanna be yours
I wanna be
your electric meter
I will not run out
I wanna be
the electric heater
You'll get cold without
I wanna be
your setting lotion
Hold your hair in...
[muffled dialogue]
Huh?
I'm saying it's good.
Best soup I've ever had.
It's homegrown, ain't it.
You can tell
it's very fresh, and, um...
Hmm.
What is this? It's...
Caroline,
what did you put in this?
[ominous music]
Caroline?
Whoa!
I really thought you'd...
[laughs]
I wanted to...
but I couldn't.
What's the point, Willy?
What's the bloody point?
Do you know what
Keith's wife said to me today?
She said...
"Thanks for not trying to
win him back, Caroline.
Made it easier for all of us."
Do you know what I think I did?
Pretended I didn't give a shit.
Like nothing had ever happened.
Like me and Keith
had never been a thing.
He said he didn't want kids
and that was fine.
And then he leaves me and...
has two.
What did I get?
A bunch of bloody vegetables.
You don't mean that.
They were there today.
They look like him.
Poor buggers.
I was never good enough.
It's not true, Willy.
You're brilliant.
Just...
I just never fancied you.
I meant about growing marrows.
That's why I cheated
at Shepton Mallet.
I haven't got
what you've got, Caroline.
I haven't.
I haven't got your inspiration.
I haven't got your ingenuity.
I haven't got
your grower's intuition.
Anybody could be
like me and just,
you know, tend to
a vegetable or two, but,
you know,
to grow a world beater,
that takes something more.
That takes something.
Well, apparently Linda Bloom.
Don't even think about
Linda Bloom
because she's
not in your league.
-Apparently she is.
-No.
No.
She was the only one
that voted for me today
not to be disqualified.
You've been disqualified?
Tony and Bumbridge,
they voted two against one,
so yeah.
No.
No, Linda's not
in your category. She's...
I mean,
she's not in your category.
She-- she-- You have to have
a competitive vegetable
in a specific category
to have a vote and...
How could she have
a competitive marrow
when she doesn't have the seeds?
She doesn't have the seeds,
Caroline.
She hasn't got them.
I mean, Linda is very talented.
You know, she's sexy.
She's been to Spain on holiday.
She'd make a spag bol
blindfolded.
But she ain't in the big
leagues. She's no Caroline.
She ain't got the big marrows.
Could any of these be Linda?
They both look like men
to me, Willy.
Maybe she hired the men,
you know?
She might have. I don't know.
[shouting in video]
Hold on a minute.
Play-- play that bit again.
-This bit?
-Yeah.
When you blow your fog horn.
-[airhorn blaring]
-[shouting]
See?
You blow that three times,
and he don't even turn around.
I throw the rolling pin,
and it crashes
and breaks the glass.
That's when he turns.
But I'm yelling
at the top of my voice
coming out the house,
he don't even look around.
Maybe he's listening to music.
No, why would he do that?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Maybe he's deaf.
Maybe he's deaf, Willy.
[dramatic music]
Hey!
Hey, you!
He can't hear you, Willy.
[Willy shouting]

Willy! Let 'em have it.
-Do it!
-[Willy shouts]
[grunting, exclaiming]
[Linda screams] No!
Stop! Stop! Stop!
These are Gary's children,
Linda!
-Please, please!
-[Willy] Yeah.
They're Gary's kids.
It's not what
he would've wanted.
-Please! No, listen--
-Go! Go, Willy!
...Shepton Mallet this weekend!
-Please!
-Why did you do it, Linda?
Just-- just stop,
and I will tell you.
I'm so sorry.
Let 'em have it, Willy.
[Linda screams] No!
I can't look.
[Willy shouts]
Yes, yes,
I did steal her marrows.
Well, my brother
and his stupid friend did.
But I told them,
"Only take one."
"Deaf and dumb" is an expression
that is unacceptable
and outdated.
But my brother is deaf,
and he is massively dumb.
When I found out
that-- that they had hit you,
I was so angry.
But he did say that you
snuck up on him. Is that true?
I was yelling at the top
of my voice, Linda!
Yeah, but, I mean, he's deaf.
So, I mean, you did
kind of sneak up on him.
Why did you do it, Linda?
I wanted to learn
from you, Caro.
You know, in this competition,
it makes you do crazy things.
-You know that, Willy.
-Hmm.
And I told them,
only take one plant...
and-- and leave
a listening device
so that, you know, I could hear
about your techniques, so...
It was you?
You left the transmitter.
[Linda] Well, I mean,
none of it worked.
I mean, look at-- look at them.
This allotment
is cursed this year.
Not even Tony can get
any good growth this year.
I'm sorry, Linda,
but I don't feel sorry for you,
-to be honest.
-[Linda] Look, Caro,
I-- I heard you find the device
on that day,
and I knew I'd fucked up.
Fucked up? Yeah.
I've had to leave my own house.
I've been frightened
for my life, haven't I, Willy?
-It's been awful.
-Oh, yeah,
I noticed I hadn't heard you
on there for a while.
Did you sublet?
-What?
-[Linda] Oh, okay.
So...
who are the men in your house
at the moment?
What men?
Um, yeah,
I get a notification...
every time the transmitter
picks up a sound.
It's actually so smart.
[man over speaker] You two,
keep your eyes out.
This bitch can't
be out forever.
Just be ready to smash her head
in when she comes in the door.
How good is that?
What the fuck?
Is that in my house?
Well, sometimes
I hear the kettle,
so I'm kind of figuring that
it's in the kitchen.
-Kettle is in the kitchen.
-Oh, Jesus Christ, Linda.
How long have they been there?
-Wait, you don't know them?
-No.
[Linda] Well, I did think
it was quite weird
that they kept
talking about kidnapping you.
-[Caroline] Huh?
-Yeah.
That was the guy from Xomort,
the good-looking guy.
Play it again.
[man over speaker] You two,
keep your eyes out.
This bitch can't
be out forever.
Just be ready
to smash her head in
when she comes in the door.
I knew it was him
just from his voice.
Some people just have that tone,
don't they?
Sexy.
Gravelly, you know?
Clooney. Connery.
Wogan.
What the fuck's
he doing in my house?
I was terrified.
But they were in my house.
Touching my things.
I knew I had to
face this head-on.
[tense music]
You all right?
[Caroline] Hi.
Look, Paul, I'm sorry.
You were right about everything.
Bumbridge stole your marrows,
didn't he?
[Caroline] No,
that-- that was Linda.
But we were being stalked.
By Bumbridge or Linda?
By some people sent
by Nigel Patterson.
-What? The MP?
-Yeah, yeah.
And that was
a transmitter in my house.
And that MP put it in there,
didn't he?
No, that was Linda as well.
And there's people in there
now waiting to kidnap me.
Which Linda sent?
[Caroline] No, Xomort sent them.
But you were right
about everything.
About which bit, exactly?
[Caroline] Well, if you hadn't
found the transmitter
in my house, then I could've
been kidnapped by now.
-[Paul] Yeah?
-Yeah.
You saved my life, Paul.
Well, Willy did find the thing,
but no, yeah, yeah, I did
save your life, didn't it?
I've got these recordings
from the kidnappers,
and they must lead us
to Lawrence and Louise.
I need your help.
-Better come in, then.
-Yeah.
What's all the squiggle
on there?
I put all the files
onto Movie Maker, like this,
so I can see the next waveform
where it's
actually them speaking.
-Wow.
-Here, give us your phone.
All right, well done.
-It was not Edward Snowden--
-[Caroline] Don't do that!
What? I'm not gonna switch
it on. I'm not mental.
Why have you got a microwave
in your bedroom?
It stops us being tracked.
Anyway, what I thought is,
we could mark down
what they say as either
pertinent or non-pertinent,
-like they do in The Wire.
-Love The Wire.
[henchman 1] Would you rather
have to watch your parents
have sex every day till you die
or join in once
and never have to watch again?
-What the fuck?
-Non-pertinent.
[henchman 2] Would you rather
lick a pig's back
or finger a cow's arse?
-Finger a cow's arse?
-Non-pertinent.
Lick a pig's back.
Investigator detective
on the case.
What are we doing here? We're
not getting anything from this.
No, come on, we can't stop now.
There's got to be something.
There's nothing.
They're just talking shite.
[henchman 1] Oh, hang on
a second. Someone's here.
[henchman 2]
Oh, great, now the
boss is back.
[Xomort guy] All right, lads.
-So, still no sign of her?
-[henchman 1] No, none.
That's him!
[Xomort guy]
Where the hell is she?
That's him.
[Xomort guy]
Right. You, go outside.
[henchman 1] Me? Yeah, sure.
No, no, don't--
don't go out there.
Stay in the room.
Have a word in the room.
What's he saying?
[rustling over speakers]
[henchman 2]
What was that all about?
[henchman 1] I don't know
if we can tell you.
[henchman 2]
Oh, tell me what he said.
-Tell him what he said!
-Tell him what he said!
[henchman 1] All right, they're
getting rid of 'em on the 24th.
And then he goes,
"We need to have her by then."
They're gonna kill
Lawrence and Louise.
[henchman 2] Was that it?
[henchman 1] Yeah, that was it.
-24th.
-That's tomorrow.
Shepton Mallet's tomorrow.
Yeah, but it can't just be that.
What's-- Paul.
[henchman 2] Would you rather
get killed on the 24th,
but you don't know it's coming,
or the next week,
but you do know it's coming?
[henchman laughing]
-Man...
-Very pertinent.
Oh, what are we gonna do?
Oh, fuck.
Everything was
going through my head.
I was thinking
all sorts of thoughts, like,
why had Lawrence
and Louise got me
on the case in the first place?
Like, what was they looking for?
I just couldn't put it together.
[overlapping voices]
That was until Willy
brought us the final piece.
-[banging on door]
-Fuck!
[grunts]
Oh, Willy! Wha--
What are you doing
banging on the door
-like a fucking--
-[overlapping chatter]
-Have you got your phone?
-I have got my phone.
Where's your phone? You've got
no signal or anything.
-Permission to go upstairs?
-Microwave.
Caroline! Caroline!
Okay, look what I found here.
-In Lawrence and Louise's file.
-The telly kills the signal.
Take a look at this.
Oh, batteries are dead.
[Willy] You recognize that?
It's the Swede, Caroline.
[Caroline] She works for Xomort?
I thought she worked for the MP.
What'd you just say, Willy?
-Caroline, it's the Swede.
-No, the whole thing.
From the start.
-It's the Swede?
-Caroline
Ba-ba-ba! [scatting]
She works for them both?
Suddenly things just started
to make sense to me.
And then it was my turn
to be like Columbo.
Xomort paid off the MP.
Why were they moving
the community center
and the allotments
just across town?
It wasn't because
they were drilling a new site.
It was because they poisoned
the water at that site.
You saw the state
of Linda's marrows!
-Yeah.
-[Linda] This allotment
is cursed this year,
even Tony can't get any growth.
[Caroline] Do you remember
the water towers?
-[Willy] Yes.
-[Caroline] That's why Lawrence
and Louise were
interested in this case!
And that's why
the kids got sick,
-isn't it?
-No, let me finish, Paul.
The kids at
the community center.
-No, they've got cancer, Paul.
-They probably gave it to them.
-Monsters.
-Let me finish!
-What's the date today?
-24th.
What's happening
at the center on the 24th?
Jigsaws with Janet
and then pregnancy yoga.
No, it's the demolition, Willy.
And that's how they're
gonna get rid of them!
We've got to go.
Willy, can you drive us?
-[Paul grunting]
-Yeah!
You're gonna hurt yourself,
Paul! Come on, Willy.
[intense music]
[police radio chatter]
Willy, get back.
We're gonna have to
go through the allotments.
Um, uh, Carol, Carol.
-I-- I can't.
-Come on, Paul.
-I can't do it.
-What do you mean,
you can't do it?
-I can't get put on a list.
-Come with us!
-They'll be taking photos.
-Paul, please.
I'm sorry.
All right, fine.
Fine.
Come on, Willy.
Come on, Willy. We gotta move.
What's that? Scarecrow.
This way, Willy.
We have to be careful.
[whispering] All right,
just hold on a second.
[police radio chatter]
Okay,
that's the demolition site.
We've got to get them
out of there, Willy.
Excuse me!
There's no public access there.
You're gonna have to
go back the way you came.
You're gonna have to
stop the demolition!
There's people
inside the building!
Listen, I'm sure there's no one
inside the building, madam.
One minute to detonation.
[officer 1]
I can assure you, madam.
Willy, you're gonna
have to stop the countdown.
Okay. [exclaiming]
[Caroline shouting]
There's people
inside the building!
Willy, stop the countdown!
[man] Hold the countdown!
Hold the countdown.
[officer 1] Just push away,
guys, stay there!
[crowd clamoring]

No!
Caroline says no!
Who's Caroline?
Get out of the way!
[grunts] No, no, no, no!
[Caroline] Lawrence! Louise!
[both grunting]
Come on,
we need to get out of here!
[both grunting]
[man screams]
[man screaming]
-Call an ambulance!
-Paul, what did you do?
This is bloody excessive,
isn't it?
Oh, fuck!
There's people in the building.
I repeat,
there's people in the building.
-[siren wailing]
-Come on, guys!
Come on, quick!
Yeah, we did it.
We saved their lives. [exhales]
["Sweet Caroline"
by Neil Diamond playing]
[Paul] Yeah, they were naked
there for days, apparently.
Probably just like a normal
weekend for them two perverts.
-So, they stripped you naked?
-Yeah.
After that, everything was
just a blur, to be honest.
The boys had come good.
Stay back! Stay-- stay back,
back, back, back, back, back!
You'll never take me alive,
copper.
[Caroline]
Paul took it a bit far, but...
he's facing the consequences.
[Paul] The main thing
they arrested me for
was resisting arrest.
What sort of nonsense is that?
He hit a police officer
with a spade
right across the kisser.
-Caroline! [laughing]
-And then I saw Willy.
What happened to your face?
He had all blood on his face.
I didn't know what was going on.
And then he told me...
-We could still make it.
-What do you mean?
-Shepton Mallet.
-I've been disqualified, Willy.
[Willy] Nah.
[Caroline]
I thought it was game over.
He picked Ricky.
He's a big boy, Caroline.
Hey, get on the ground!
Get on the ground!
Who's in the boot?
Who's in the boot?
Who's in the boot?
-Just Ricky!
-Who's Ricky?
Of course, the police
thought it was a dead body.
He's a marrow
and we grew him together!
He was small and now he's big,
look at him!
[officer 2] It's a big marrow.
It's a big marrow, boys.
We told the police,
"There's one more person
you've got to get."
[Paul] They gave him
a police escort
all the way to Shepton Mallet.
I mean, you could say
that we all got a police escort.
[Caroline] We knew we had
a chance at Shepton Mallet.
-[Willy grunting]
-It's Ricky the Marrow!
I felt euphoric. I mean, people
did not expect us to be there.
There he is.
I told you that MP
was a crook, didn't I?
[Caroline] It was great. Yeah.
We literally had to
force our way in.
Me and Willy just... weighed it.
-Weigh the marrow.
-You were disqualified.
-Weigh the marrow.
-According to rulebook--
[Caroline] No, please,
we're here now.
-You are in my personal zone.
-We've done nothing wrong.
We deserve to be here.
This could be a winner.
They weren't gonna weigh Ricky.
It's not allowed. No.
Weigh the marrow!
Weigh the marrow!
Weigh the marrow!
Weigh the marrow!
-[crowd murmuring]
-Weigh the marrow!
Weigh the marrow!
[crowd chanting]
Weigh the marrow!
Weigh the marrow!
Touching me, touchin'
you...
And then they put him
on the scales.
Sweet Caroline
103 kg.
We went through a lot,
really, to get there.
I mean, if you think about it,
I'd been punched by a deaf man.
I had to leave my house
and cut a man's hand off.
It was all worth it, really.
Good times
never seemed so good
Sweet Caroline
I believe they never could
[music fades]
Second place.
[chuckles] Happy with that.
Bigger and better next year.
["The Marrow Song"
by The Wurzels playing]
I'd like you all to know
He grew a great big marrow
for the local farmer's show
When the story got around,
they came from far and wide
When they saw the size of it,
all the ladies cried
Oh, what a beauty
I've never seen one
as big as that before
Oh, what a beauty
It must be two foot long
or even more
Such a lovely color,
so nice and round and fat
I never thought a marrow
could grow as big as that
Oh, what a beauty
I've never seen one
as big as that before
He was leaning on his garden
gate the other day
He beckoned to a lady
who lived just across the way
He took her
down the garden path
And showed her
it with pride
When she saw the size of it,
that little lady cried
Oh, what a beauty
I've never seen one
as big as that before
Oh, what a beauty
It must be two foot long
or even more
Such a lovely color
So nice and round and fat
I never thought a marrow
could grow as big as that
Oh, what a beauty
I've never seen one
as big as that before
Then the feller showed
it again and everybody went
To see his great big marrow
lying there inside the tent
Then the judges came around
to give the prizes out
They only took
one look at it,
and they began to shout
Oh, what a beauty
I've never seen one
as big as that before
Oh, what a beauty
It must be two foot long
or even more
Such a lovely color,
so nice and round and fat
I never thought a marrow
could grow as big as that
Oh, what a beauty
I've never seen one
as big as that before
Everybody!
Oh, what a beauty
I've never seen one
as big as that before
Oh, what a beauty
It must be
two foot long or even more
Such a lovely color,
so nice and round and fat
I never thought a marrow
could grow as big as that
Oh, what a beauty
I've never seen one
as big as that before
I've never seen one
as big as that before
I've never seen one
as big as that before
[applause]