Sweethurt (2020) Movie Script
1
[thunder rumbling]
[children chattering
indistinctly]
[hopeful piano music playing]
What do you want to be
when you grow up?
Hannah?
When I grow up,
I want to be an animal doctor.
Perfect.
Jacob?
When I grow up...
I wanna be with you, Olivia.
[class] Aw!
Didn't you fuck that up?
What? No.
What are you talk-- [scoffs]
Yeah, you totally
broke up with her.
Yes. Yes he did, Tim.
Gold star for you.
Wow. You're an idiot, Jacob.
You're an idiot, Billy.
I heard that he did it
because he thought
it was the "right thing to do."
I-- I did. I did think--
-Who threw that?
-Jacob.
I'm very disappointed in you.
I thought...
well, I thought we were
gonna be together forever.
Olivia, I-- I do love you.
[class] Boo!
[Jacob groaning]
You're gonna die alone,
you know?
[kids shouting]
Why are you naked?
[kids laughing]
Olivia! Olivia?
Morning, son.
Dad.
Is anything wrong?
My dad just died.
Oh.
["There's Something About
Mary Jane" by The Skategoats]
[Jacob] So, why do I
have to do this again?
[Dad] Well, your mother and I
are busy arranging the funeral
and being very sad
that he's dead, Jacob.
[Jacob] Good point.
Where did Grandpa live again?
I mean, I know.
I just want
to make sure you know.
[Dad] Broken Bay.
[Jacob] Wait, Broken Bay?
That's--
[Dad] Where you're going.
Now hurry up.
Put your dick away.
Hey!
Where's your shit?
What do you mean
where's my shit?
We're only going for, like,
two days, this is fine.
Yeah, but that's just
a bottle of booze, dude.
-Where are your clothes?
-A bear ate them.
What about your other clothes?
I'll just turn
my underwear inside out,
it's no big deal.
Anyway, fuck me?
Uh, no, uh, sir, fuck you.
Why the fuck are there
so many bags in the back?
You're only one man, Jacob.
Dude, what makes you think
they're all mine?
What?
Aw, fuck.
Dude,
why is your sister coming?
Her Grandpa just died.
Why are you coming, Drew?
What's wrong
with her coming anyway?
Hey, Drew.
-Hey, Abby.
-Gum?
Um...
Yes?
Okay, you're just gonna
stick that right in my mouth.
That's...
Thanks.
Teenagers, right?
You're an asshole.
She's just
messing around, dude.
You're gonna
have to get used to it.
You're gonna be
stuck in the same house
for the next two days.
Well, at least I can avoid her
for the next two hou-- [sighs]
Whities in the back, fam.
Mike, when did you
even get here?
Early enough to call shotgun
and the aux cable.
["Terra" by Nate Rose
and Mogli the Iceburg playing]
...you gon' die,
you gon' die
Run and pray to God
you stay alive, stay alive
The weak are prey
and only strong survive,
Strong survive
Tell me how you feel
about your life
Okay, look, Mike.
Mike, listen to me right now.
I need you to do me a solid
and get out of the car, yeah?
Just get in the back.
Stop, stop.
Mike. I need your help.
I need your help. I will
fucking end you with this.
I will break
this wine bottle over your face
until you die from it.
I will destroy you.
I will fucking
break down this glass.
You think you're so cool?
[Drew sighs]
[faint music playing from car]
Knowledge is power
And I look like I got
the upper hand, ah, yeah
Plus I gotta
keep it moving y'all
Just do the runnin' man
What is that?
If you don't keep it movin',
you gon' die, you gon' die
Run and pray to God
you stay alive
[music gets louder]
The weak are prey
and only strong survive
Strong survive
["I'm Still Me"
by Melody Fall playing]
Let's go
Wake up, wake up,
booby prize
It seems like I'm the only
loser guy fitting my size
Thank you, thank you guys
for your advice
[music playing
faintly from radio]
Uh, Drew.
I cannot help but notice
you've drunk all your luggage.
[Drew hums]
Yeah, why don't you try
turning that inside out?
I'd let you turn me inside out.
Anyone?
Did anyone just hear that?
Hey, man, you should
get that light checked.
What, the oil okay light?
Wow, I wish
I lived in your world.
Dude, the light's
working fine, man.
What are you talking about?
[Mike] If there's one thing
my people know, it's oil.
All righty? And signs when
things are about to explode.
-Okay? Like--
-[Jacob] All right, look, Mike.
I've had this car for years
and this light
has been on the entire time.
Okay? It's fine. Don't worry.
I'll bet you five bucks
that this car
won't last a week.
Okay. Deal.
Earphone?
-Not even a little.
-All right.
I just thought
you'd prefer this
than Mike's stupid questions.
So, would you rather
have dick sized nipples
or a nipple sized dick?
Give me the headphone.
Drew, Drew, Drew
I love you, you, you
Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew
You're my one Drew, Drew
Drew, Drew, Drew
I love you, you, you
Jacob. Jacob.
Uh, dick sized nipples.
Definitely.
Mike. Mike.
Oh, can't hear you, fam.
[Mike shouts]
["That Guy"
by On Call Heroes playing]
Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
Pop that collar high
I may be an asshole
But you're still that guy
Pop that collar high
I may be an asshole
But you're still that guy
-[Skye slurping]
-[phone buzzing]
[Carly] Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Help me, Carly.
This has to stop.
Give me that. Give it to me.
Right after this tub.
So, how we feeling?
Day 38.
Wine-cream has not
filled the void.
Yet.
With skills like that,
it's a wonder
he ever broke up with you.
What's happening to me?
Well...
this is all...
not normal, but...
understandable.
You need to allow yourself
a certain adjustment period.
What should I do?
Well, you know what they say.
The best way
to get over someone
is to do anal with a stranger.
Nobody says that.
Pretty sure they do.
I don't think I'm ready
to do anal with a stranger.
I don't think I'm ready
for anal, full stop.
I'm just saying
let's go out together.
Meet some other guys.
I don't think I'm ready
to meet other...
guys.
Come on. It'll be good for you.
You've had
your 38 days of mourning.
Now comes the part
where you make bad decisions
that you regret
for the rest of your life.
Yes.
That does sound fun.
As long as nobody
gets pregnant, it's fine.
That's where
the anal comes in handy.
-Come on.
-Oh!
-[Skye moaning]
-Gross.
Where the fuck is Jacob, man?
I swear is he fucking
playing with his black cobra?
Like, what the fuck's he doing?
Uh, if he was doing that,
he'd be done a lot sooner.
[Mike] Fucking savage.
As much as I would love to talk
about my brother
fapping away in there,
I'm gonna go
to the bathroom while we wait.
You coming, Drew?
-No.
-You will be.
Mike, I need your help.
I knew this day would come.
Man, look, I understand
you're gay, all right?
But I can't-- I can't
help you in this journey.
It's a solo journey.
Brother, I love you, but not
like that, man, come on.
Look, look,
remember the Christmas party
we had a few weeks ago?
Uh, you mean opposed
to the fucking one in August?
Okay, can you just?
Do you remember?
-I can do the dance.
-You can't do it, bro.
-I can do the dance.
-You can't do shit, bro.
Yeah? You wanna bet?
You wanna bet?
-Nah, nah, nah, nah.
-Take the drink.
-Ready?
-Okay.
Rising up that stream
Rising up that stream
Honestly, no. Wait.
Yes. Oh, wait.
Was it the time
we got really fucked up
and went to that
sperm bank and, uh,
we made a bet that you were
too ugly to donate sperm?
Am I pretty enough
to donate sperm?
Tell him!
You want me to pay you?
I'll pay you.
Here, take everything.
Take everything I own.
Take it all. Take it all.
Honestly, I don't know.
It's all kind of a blur.
But the Christmas party.
It was good up until...
I fucked up.
What did you do?
Did you take
a shit in the shower
and then you had to, like,
fucking waffle stomp
that bitch?
No?
Oh.
No, either-- not me either.
[Mike clears throat]
Uh, no, I--
I kissed Abby.
And?
I know, I know.
It was dark and you can't argue
with the mistletoe.
It's got very
specific instructions
and she just scares
the shit out of me.
She's obsessed with me.
That's what happens when
you kiss a fucking 12-year-old.
She was 17!
But she's 18 now.
Who gives a fuck?
-[Jacob whistling]
-[liquid streaming]
Hey, Mikey.
I'm not Mikey.
You're not...
You-- you're-- you're Mikey.
No, dude, he's outside.
I'm Jacob.
Who are you?
Um, Mike...
do you want
to have a sword fight?
Not necessarily, no.
I can be gentle.
[Markovich] Mikey?
Here he comes. Don't tell him.
Don't tell Jacob, don't.
No, bro, he probably
already knows, man.
Fucking Abby's told me,
like, five times.
-Told you what?
-Mike shit in your shower.
You know, sometimes I genuinely
wish you guys were strangers.
["Drawing Board"
by Mest playing]
So love me,
so I can be myself again
Now hate me
So things seem normal
in my head
I'm trying
To break away
this ball and chain
So hate me
So things seem normal
in my head
Things seem normal...
[Mike] Hey, Markovich!
I spent days
and nights in my bedroom
Trying to write the perfect
song to sing to you
Write a song a day
but she won't like it anyway
Back to the drawing board
With the words you've heard
a million times before
In your head
I am dead
Did you remember
times before?
Back to the drawing board
I'm ready.
Fuck no.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-Come on.
-[Skye groaning] No.
-I want you to look at this.
This wine looks like blood.
Pants-top combo.
Dress. [chuckles]
What are we feeling?
Depressed.
Well, that kinda
sounds like a dress.
So, maybe try on this one.
[sighs]
Doesn't match
my blackened heart.
Okay, Debbie Downer,
you're gonna have to work
with me here, okay?
Will you at least please
wear a darker dress?
Please.
-Suppose I can't argue.
-Yep. Okay.
Try this one.
Come on, try it on.
I wanna see.
But...
you're there.
And?
Well, I don't know,
I thought...
alone times.
Skye. I'm a girl, yeah?
Seen it all before.
I mean, half these dresses
came from naked girls.
One night.
Steamy, sexy...
scissoring encounters.
How many scissoring encounters?
A few.
I mean, okay,
I might be, like, 68% gay.
How can you be so sure?
Maths.
Okay, so,
if I've slept with 34 women...
and 16 guys...
How?
Like, how do you find the time?
How many days in a year?
[Carly] Mm-hmm, okay,
so, if I'm 22 now,
I've slept with 50 people.
That's one person
every 160.6 days.
It's quite
conservative, really.
That's if you started
when you were born.
Everybody's gotta
start somewhere, Skye.
-Okay, but it's just, I--
-Put the damn dress on.
-[Skye] Okay.
-[both chuckle]
["Body Talk"
by The Struts playing]
All right, so in total,
your Grandad's
bar tab comes to...
[Jacob] Dude, Mike.
Jesus Christ!
No wonder he fucking died.
That is a lot of money.
I'd actually be pretty proud
if I wasn't
so depressed right now.
Fucking hell.
Just on credit, dude.
I need to know, know, know
What do ya need,
need, need?
What do ya like,
like, like?
Cause I'm gonna
be it tonight
You can be cool,
you can be shy
Say what you want,
say what you like
'Cause ooh, your body talks,
your body talks
Ooh-ooh, your body talks
You can pretend
you don't wanna know
But I read the signs
from your head to your toes
Yeah, you don't need
to say a word 'cause
Ooh, ooh, your body talks
Your lips
are a conversation
Jakey-wakey. Mikey likey.
If it's my imagination
Stop me if I'm wrong
I need to know, know, know
It's Olivia. Holy shit.
How many camels is she worth?
Seven? I've only got six.
Damn, one more.
You can be cool,
you can be shy
Say what you want,
say what you like
'Cause ooh, your body talks,
your body talks
Ooh-ooh, your body talks
You can pretend
you don't wanna know
But I read the signs
from your head to your toes
Yeah, you don't need
to say a word 'cause
Ooh, ooh, your body talks
[Mike] Evening, ladies.
Guess I'll go fuck myself.
I swear-- Bro.
-Olivia. Hey.
-[Olivia] Jacob.
Wow, it's great to see you.
Why are you here?
Here? Right now? Um...
Paying my Grandpa's tab.
Apparently he was an alcoholic,
which is probably
why he's dead right now.
-[Olivia] Right.
-Yeah, I'm good though.
Um, what about you?
Um, great,
I actually live here now.
Oh, you do? Really?
[chuckles] What are
the chances of that, huh?
Just astronomical.
Wow, that's great.
Look, Olivia, um...
if you want to grab
dinner sometime, I mean,
I know you're busy
and I'm only here
for a couple of days,
but if you want to sometime?
Yeah.
I mean...
maybe.
How about right now?
I have no plans at all.
[Mike] Oh, yeah.
It's not like
you were hanging out with me.
Why the fuck
did you bring me then?
It's just, you know,
we haven't seen
each other in a while
and it'd be great
if we just catch up
for a bit, you know, hang out.
Just as friends,
I mean, of course.
Yeah.
Yeah.
-[doorbell rings]
-I'll get it.
Please help us.
So, what's with the goat?
Oh, boy.
It is a pulse pounding
tale of adventure.
Think of Free Willy,
but with a goat.
Tell us all about it.
I want to hear the entire tale
in its entirety
before I leave this table.
Well, uh, you wouldn't
believe me if I told you.
Wouldn't we?
We're interested,
aren't we, Abby?
-Well--
-Great.
From the beginning,
please and thank you.
[chuckles] Okay, uh,
well, I was on this blind date,
uh, with a woman named Helen.
[chuckles] She was
really into me, by the way.
You know. [chuckles] Women.
[chuckling] Anyway.
Max Cameron.
I'm sorry, what?
Oh... [chuckles] ...sometimes
I just like to say my own name.
-All right.
-[clicks tongue]
So, I, uh...
really enjoyed the date
we were on just now.
[car engine stops]
[clicks tongue] We should do it
again sometime.
Yeah, I mean...
There are a lot of things
that we should do again,
but...
we never will.
[seatbelt clicks]
[car door shuts close]
[heels tapping in distance]
Just...
get in the door.
[phone ringing]
Duh. [chuckles]
So, where does
the goat come into all of this?
Abby, it's called
setting the scene, read a book.
[indistinct chanting]
[chanting stops]
Helen?
So Wynston and I just
hightailed it out of there.
Wynston?
The goat's name is Wynston?
Abby, the goat's name
is Wynston.
Good. Good for Wynston.
So there I was,
driving away for my life
with Wynston in the back seat.
Don't worry, Wynston.
Max Cameron's here to save you.
[siren wailing]
Oh, fuck!
[Max groaning]
Oh, please, hurry.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
That's fine.
I'm Sergeant Lee Aaron.
Do you realize how--
Is that a goat?
His name is Wynston.
Hello, Wynston.
Now, do you realize
how fast that you were going?
Okay, yes, uh, I know I was
going fast, but believe me
when I tell you,
I have a very good reason.
There's never a good reason
for speeding, son.
Would you rather be
three minutes late
to whatever hootenanny
you're on your way to or...
permanently late?
-'Cause you're dead.
-Please, sir.
I-- I'm-- I'm currently
being traced by a mob
of angry Satanists because
I stole their sacrificial goat.
Stole, you say?
Well, stealing's a crime, son.
If you'll just look over there,
you'll see
how truthful I'm being.
-I'm not lying when I tell--
-Lying, you say?
All right,
that's going on the list.
If you would just look
over there slightly,
if you would just
slightly turn your head
then you'll see that I--
Please.
-Not wearing a seat belt--
-Oh, for fuck's sake,
will you just turn your head?
Swearing at an officer.
That's going on the list.
[Max screaming]
Fleeing the scene of a crime,
that's going on the list.
[men chanting]
So, I just kept driving.
I don't even know where I am.
Why didn't you just drive home?
It's not safe
for Wynston back there.
[Max scoffs]
No, no, I'll start
a new life here, thank you.
Where there
are no devil worshippers.
Ha-- has anyone seen
this goat or this man?
Goat or the man? Hey, you.
You, you guys,
there's a goat and a man.
The man's taken the goat,
we're trying to find the goat.
[man] We just want the goat,
don't even need the man.
-[man 2] Don't need the man.
-[man] It's fine.
It's like we're
environmentalists or something.
Carly does...
what Carly has to do. [retches]
Which is drink shots
and get my friend a dick.
Yeah, yeah, I was talking
about you, that's right.
[Carly chuckles]
You're cute
when you're nervous. [laughs]
Yes.
Oh, my God,
I'm gonna confiscate this.
Bitch.
Oh, whoa. Mm-hmm. Okay.
[giggles]
And she swallows. [laughs]
Let's hope the fellas
think you're cute too, huh?
Let's have a look, partner.
[Carly imitating radar]
What the fuck are you doing?
Boop.
I spy a Negative Nancy.
I'm gonna try West.
Land ho.
What, him?
Don't worry, he'll come to us.
Why do we want him
to come to us?
He's the scenic route
or scenic route
for added effect.
-[laughs]
-Wait, what?
See, okay. [sighs]
Let me bestow upon you
the secrets of womankind
passed down
from generation to generation.
The scenic route is a
below average looking gentleman
who has hotter friends.
You introduce yourself to him
while he's alone and he,
in turn, will,
you know, introduce you
to his hotter friends.
[chuckles]
You know, I don't know,
some kind of
showing off thing, whatever.
And then while
you're over there,
you just jump ship
right onto the hot guy's cock.
Scenic route.
Get where you're going,
just take an alternate path.
What happened
to you as a child?
Ready? Break.
[laughs] Skye!
-He's looking.
-[Skye] No, wait, wait.
How do we know
if he has hot friends?
I saw them with my telescope.
[giggles]
Hi, excuse me.
Oh, my God. Hi.
And then apparently
he shat in my shower.
[scoffs] You are as charming
as ever.
[laughs] Hey, I didn't shit
in my shower.
Thanks for sharing that.
You're welcome. You know what?
I feel like
we've really bonded tonight.
Where's Mike?
That was him
I saw you with before, right?
[both laughing]
[clears throat] So, hm,
what happened
to your Black friend?
Hmm?
Yeah, I-- I think
he had something to do
back at the bar maybe?
I don't-- I think.
You ditched him?
Yeah. Without even telling him.
You know what?
I think he's gonna be fine.
As long as he doesn't go
into any showers unsupervised.
Uh, too bad this whole town
is full of them.
Well, then that means
that he's already dead.
What's up with everyone
I care about dying?
First Grandpa, then Mike.
Next thing, you know,
it could be you.
Okay, that's-- Okay,
that's not what I meant to say.
What I meant was
I don't really care
about you at all.
Thanks.
Okay, that's not
what I meant to say either.
Relax.
I know what you meant.
I mean, it's hard to spend
three years with someone
and then stop
caring about them, you know?
Yeah, yeah,
and you know I'm-- I'm fine.
I'm totally okay.
Absolutely
no soul crushing regrets
that keep me up at night.
I mean, what even is
a soul crushing regret, right?
I don't know 'cause
I never had one. [chuckles]
What about you?
[fan] It's Tyler!
Tyler
Tyler
Tyler
Tyler
Tyler
He's the greatest
don't forget it
And you want him
more than anything
Chasing the limit
he's in hyperdrive
He's like a fire
burning up the night
No matter where Tyler goes
He's the star of the show
He's tantalizing,
always on your mind
Lust for his body,
heat between your thighs
If he whispers your name
Then you'll
never be the same
When Tyler enters the room
You scream
and watch every move
Electrifying,
all-encompassing
He's like a sexual machine
He's taking over
your dreams
The chiseled muscles,
he is everything
Tyler
Tyler
Tyler
Look at his hair,
he'll make you come forever
I can see you drooling now
Tyler
You're getting wetter,
juices flowing
Wanna fuck him
more than anything
Tyler
Tyler
Tyler
[sighs]
Jacob, this is--
Tyler.
And you are?
She just told you
my name was Jacob.
Anyway, it's nice...
Who is this guy?
[fan] It's Tyler!
My boyfriend.
["Half Past Forever" by
Better Luck Next Time playing]
[Carly laughing]
-Wow, you're really funny.
-Thank you.
-Do you work out?
-[man 3] Yep.
[Carly] Wow.
-Oh, hey there.
-[Carly] Hi.
Can I get you another round?
-Yeah, that sounds nice.
-Yeah.
-You gonna drink it with us?
-I don't see why not.
You said you wanted to go out
and we're out, so pick one.
Hey, Red. How you doing?
Hi. I'm doing pretty well.
How are you?
[man 4] All the better
for seeing you.
So, one for my friend
as well then.
Uh, no.
It'll be more fun
if it's just the two of us.
My friend, Skye, and I
were actually drinking
some vodka sodas
-if you wanted to join us.
-Oh, I'd love to.
It looks like
you're almost out.
Oh, look at that.
I am. [chuckles]
Do you work out?
Yeah, about six times a week.
Yeah, go and have another feel.
So I'm taking
The part of me
that stands in your way
And saying goodbye
to the yesterday
Now we're taking
the part of us that feels
Like it's half
past forever
And this time
it's now or never
So I'm taking the part of me
that stands in your way
And saying goodbye
to the yesterday
Now we're taking
the part of us that feels
Like it's half
past forever
And this time
it's now or never
Um...
hi.
[screaming]
[man 4]
You spilled my drink, dawg.
[screaming continues]
[Carly] Skye, wait!
What happened?
The only scenic route
I'm taking is the bus home.
[Carly]
Skye, you weren't listening.
You're not supposed
to take the scenic route home,
you're supposed to use him to--
[Skye] I know what
the scenic route is for.
Not everyone wants
to do anal with a stranger.
Not that you'd care.
I've really been hurting
this last month
and you've used tonight
as an excuse
to try and get with some guy.
An excuse?
Okay, firstly, I got, like,
five guys back there.
Secondly,
I was doing it for you.
I would have given you one.
Or even two if you wanted
to try and make that, you know,
Chinese finger trap
thing happen.
What is wrong with you?
Carly, if you knew me at all
you'd know that
I don't want any of this.
I thought
that's what you wanted.
I thought you wanted
to get back out there.
You forgot your phone.
I'm sorry.
I know you've been
really hurting since he left...
but I thought tonight
it could just be us, you know?
Go out and have fun.
While you were with him
I barely got to see you
and... now it's just us.
Together again.
I'm sorry I yelled.
I just want to go home.
Then let's go. Hoe.
[both laughing]
[both laughing]
[Olivia]
Jacob, why aren't you laughing?
Uh, because it wasn't funny.
Well,
you're wrong there, dummy.
You see, you might have missed
the hilarity in the joke.
Uh, no, actually,
I'm not wrong.
I did understand the joke.
I just didn't find it funny.
What I don't understand
is how you're dating
this guy, Olivia.
Jacob, that's--
that's really rude.
[phone ringing]
[Jacob] I'm the one being rude?
How, Olivia?
How can you date this guy?
I don't understand.
This isn't you.
What the fuck would
you know about what I want?
You don't even know
what you want.
That's why we broke up.
[phone ringing]
What? What?
[Mike] Why aren't you
at your dead Granddad's place?
What?
Man, you fucked up with Olivia,
so I brought the party
back to your place.
You're having a party
at my dead Grandpa's house?
You saw the bar tab,
he'd be fucking proud.
Oh, by the way, that bar tab,
it just got a little higher.
Anyway, where the fuck are you?
I need a beer pong partner
and clearly Drew's shithoused,
he can't fucking play.
-[Drew] Hey, fuck you!
-Hey, no, no, no, no, no.
Fuck me? No, sir.
Fuck you.
Look. Mike, Mike,
put Drew on the phone.
Drew, it's your boy.
My-- my boy!
Hey, chocolate.
What's happening?
Dude, what the hell
is going on?
Party's happening.
Be here or be square.
Wait, no, I fucked that up.
-Come here and--
-Drew, listen,
how could you let
this happen, man?
What do you think my parents
are gonna say if they find out?
Uh, sorry we missed it?
But seriously, I did call ahead
and I did get permission.
Wait, seriously?
Well, I left a voicemail.
[Drew moaning on voicemail]
-I'm sure it's fine.
-No.
No, Drew, it's not fine.
You're supposed to be
the smart one.
I am the smart one.
No, no, you know what?
You've replaced Mike now
as the dumb one.
Uh, I'm not as stupid as you
because I didn't throw a party
in an ill-conceived attempt
to get Jacob away from Olivia.
Fuck, you're an idiot, Mike.
-What?
-What?
This is Jacob.
Oh, no.
Well, regardless of that,
this may have been
Mike's idea,
but I'm 100% on board
with this party
because before this,
it was just me and Abby.
And Max and Wynston.
Who the fuck
is Max and Wynston?
Oh, Jacob,
you'll love Max and Wynston.
So many zany stories.
So much zane.
If we were the cast of Titanic,
he would be Billy Zane.
Except picture him with a goat
instead of trying
to murder DiCaprio.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
I'm gonna let Max explain.
Maximus!
Where is that
little goat loving boy?
There he is! Hey, how're you?
I love you.
Tell him all about Billy Zane.
Hello? Is this Billy Zane?
No, you're Billy Zane?
I'm Billy Zane?
[scoffs] Look.
Abby. Do you know Abby?
Can you-- can you
give her the phone?
Billy Zane
wants to talk to Abby.
[chuckles] Silly Zane.
Dude, is the phantom
actually at your house
right now, bro?
I don't know, Tyler.
Look,
I need to go.
My parents
want to sell that house
and if there's
a Mike shaped hole in the wall,
the value's gonna go
down pretty quick.
-Jacob.
-Olivia, look.
You don't have to say anything.
If you want to talk,
just give me a ring. Anytime.
Tyler, it was...
Fuck.
I like him. He's, um...
passionate.
["Emilio Fiestavez"
by Sorry Sweetheart playing]
I wrote this song
in the shower
Right after I threw up
I couldn't think of
a more perfect relapse
I feel like too much
is never enough
But I hate who I am
And I don't wanna quit
Who's gonna get fucked up?
Who's gonna get fucked up?
We're gonna get fucked up!
Oh, no I swear
This is the last time
Told you I'm tryin'
Oh, no I swear
That one day I'll be fine
You know I'm lyin'!
Last night it was a blur
But at least
we both had fun
I couldn't think of
a more perfect person to
Forget sometimes I think
I'll never be done
'Cause I hate who I am
And I'm not
gonna quit, no!
Who's gonna get fucked up?
Who's gonna get fucked up?
We're gonna get fucked up!
Oh, no I swear
This is the last time
Told you I'm tryin'
Oh, no I swear
That one day I'll be fine
You know I'm lyin'!
Oh, no I swear
This is the last time
Told you I'm tryin'
Oh, no I swear
That one day I'll be fine
You know I'm lyin'!
Aw, man, aw man, Zack,
man, I told you
this was the last...
[objects clattering]
[Drew chuckles]
So, what's the story here?
Is this your house or...
Oh, yeah, I mean,
I own this
and at least six casinos.
I'm lying,
this is my buddy Jacob's place.
So, does that mean
you have a bedroom here?
Oh, yeah, I've got,
like, a big comfy ol' bed.
Can I see it?
Why, are you,
like, a bed salesman?
Oh, I'm sorry. Saleswoman.
Salesperson.
I don't know
the technical term for--
[shushing] Please stop talking.
Can we just go upstairs
so I can see
that big comfy bed?
Oh, well if you put it
that way then, yeah,
sure, we can
go see my big comfy bed.
All you had to do was ask.
I didn't even know
we were standing
on the staircase anyway.
-[Abby] Drew.
-[Drew screams]
[Abby] Can I talk to you
for a minute?
-Alone?
-Not even a little bit.
Good day.
[Abby] Don't you think
you should stop drinking?
The alcohol could be
affecting your decision making.
Do you really want to
do something you'll regret?
Yeah.
[window squeaking]
Can you not do that? Thanks.
Sorry.
It's the only thing
that lets me feel.
Yeah.
It's the only way
this captain's gonna keep
his ship in tip top shape
to sail the high seas.
[laughs]
So, the-- the hat and stuff,
that's, like, your thing or...
-What thing?
-Never mind.
Aye-aye. [laughs]
Yeah, this is pretty comfy.
I can think of a way
we can be more comfortable.
Oh?
And in some positions
somewhat uncomfortable,
but worth it overall.
You're being very diplomatic.
Is it turning you on?
A little, yeah. To be TBH.
Well, if we're being TBH...
I gotta take a whiz
but you just lay there
and think about
how cute you think I am.
-Okay.
-Ready? Break.
[Drew grunts]
[punk music plays in distance]
[chuckles] Don't mind me
first mate, Squawkers.
Just make sure
he doesn't bite you.
[laughing]
Are we gonna get scurvy?
That's not the worst
disease you contracted.
-Fuck you.
-Fuck me?
No ma'am, fuck you.
Land ho, ladies.
-Excuse me, driver?
-Captain.
Captain, sorry, um,
could you please take us
to the roundabout up there
and swing back around please?
[Captain] What do you think?
Aye-aye. Hard starboard.
Isn't that your parents?
Fuck.
Well, no need to jump ship.
What could they possibly want?
Well, you've been
screening their calls, right?
Well, yeah, but--
Yeah, okay. So, we can do this.
All we need to do
is conceal the fact
that you're a drunkard now.
I can't go in there with
pre-spilled wine on my dress.
I have some female clothes
in the boot.
Would you like to borrow them?
What?
I have
some clothes in the boot.
Would you like them, Skye?
How does he know my name?
Yes, she would.
Thank you, Captain.
-How does he know my name?
-[shushing]
Just let it happen.
[boot creaks open]
Yeah.
She was about your size.
Aloha.
Huh.
[Drew mumbling]
Oh, hey,
you know Casey, don't you?
Did she come by here
looking extremely aroused?
Uh, she didn't tell you?
She just got a phone call
saying that her entire family
had been killed
in a horrific car accident
and she had to
leave immediately.
Huh.
I am sad for multiple reasons.
The car crash
is none of them, really.
[Skye]
I cannot believe they're here.
Mr. and Mrs. Baker.
So nice to see you again
here at my home.
You're looking great.
Have you lost weight?
Cram it, Hooper.
Did he just last name me?
Yeah, everything's great.
Keeping busy.
That's what
you wanted to hear, right?
Look, we're just-- we just
want to know how you're doing.
We don't understand
why you broke up with this guy.
He was so sweet to you,
so nice to you.
We just don't get it, Skye.
Look, I'm sorry I haven't been
speaking to you guys.
I've just been
going through some things
and I needed some time
to figure it all out.
I'll-- I'll call you
after I've sorted
things through.
I know you think
I made a mistake
by breaking up with him...
but... I didn't.
Maybe we can talk
about it over brunch?
Don't be stupid, Skye.
You know perfectly well
your mother and I
don't do brunch.
It's breakfast or lunch.
Choose one.
[rock music plays in distance]
[car door slams shut]
[bottle breaks]
[chuckles]
And that's why
my plan is infallible.
So, what are you going to do
when Jacob shows up?
He'll be too busy trying
to climb out of his own asshole
before he gets here.
A couple of hours. Fuck.
Hey, guys, it's your boy.
What's up, man?
No, it's not your boy.
What the fuck is this?
An absolute
banger of a party, bro.
Grab a drink.
Dude, how is there
a party going on right now?
How and why?
Well, if you must know, Jacob,
since you rudely
ditched me at the bar,
I had to find
my own way back home
and the only way to do that
was to hijack a party bus
that just happened to roll by.
It was fate, Jacob. Fate.
But naturally,
you know, the party went
from the bus back to the house.
'Cause this is
your house though,
this is all--
all this is your fault.
Not really mine.
Shame on you, buddy.
Shame.
Goddammit, dude.
Anyways,
how'd it go with Olivia?
-Not well.
-Not well, he says.
She has a boyfriend now.
Well, it's been two years.
I mean, she would be mental
if she didn't
move on after that.
I mean, what,
she's gonna be single
after two years, moping around?
Oh, I'm so sad,
oh, I can't move on.
What?
Oh, oh, tell me you don't--
Sorry. No, no, no, I didn't--
-I didn't mean to-- Okay.
-[Jacob] Prick.
You did this to yourself, man.
How the fuck
did I do this to myself, Mikey?
What, you came up here,
you drudged up
all of these
old feelings again.
You absolutely
did this to yourself.
Like, no one told you to go
and talk to her again, man.
Should have just hidden
or run away
like a normal ex-boyfriend.
Fuck, you spent
so long trying to get over her.
What, you're gonna
go back to that again?
Fuck that. This is a party.
There are girls.
One, two. One, two.
Come on, man,
I'm doing you a favor here.
A favor? You call this--
My Grandpa's house
is gonna be trashed
by the end of the night, Mikey.
How is that a favor,
you selfish fuck?
Selfish?
[snaps fingers]
[sighs] Clearly, you're acting
a little bit
more sensitive than usual.
I'm sensing a lot of
negative energy here, man.
Don't pretend that you're mad
about this party.
You're mad
that she didn't go back to you.
Are you surprised
that "date" didn't go well?
Of course it didn't.
It's your ex
fucking girlfriend, man.
-Don't be a dumb cunt.
-Don't make this about Olivia.
Uh, you made this about Olivia.
Already one look at her
and you're back
to where you were
two years ago.
Look, I could understand
if she dumped you.
But she didn't. You dumped her.
You're just gonna
hurt her again.
You have no idea
what you're talking about.
Oh, don't I, Jacob? Don't I?
You weren't there
for the aftermath, man.
She'd call me in the middle
of the night asking
how I can
get you guys back together,
or if there was
a slither of a chance
to get you guys
to be together again?
Do you really want to go
through all that again?
Do you really want her
to go through that again?
Who gave you the right
to make that decision for me?
Uh, you did
when you accidentally
bumped into her at the bar.
What?
I've seen you on your phone.
The check-ins. All right?
Don't pretend you were here
to help your family
sell this house.
You knew
she lived here, all right?
You wanted to bump into her.
No, no--
Jacob.
Come on, come on.
All right. Okay.
I wanted to see her again.
Is that so bad, Mike?
Yes. Unequivocally yes.
No good's gonna
come from this, man.
I don't need you telling me
how much I fucked up, okay?
[scoffs]
Clearly I fucking do,
because you're fucking things
up for yourself anyway.
-All right, you know what?
-What?
-[Jacob] Get out.
-Get out?
-Get out of my house.
-Where the fuck
-am I meant to go?
-Don't care.
What do you mean
you don't care?
Just get out, take your party
and get the fuck out.
-Jacob--
-Get out, Mike.
Cool.
You guys, too.
Get out. Out. Party's over.
You guys, too. Out.
Didn't you hear me?
Out.
-[girl retches]
-Ugh.
Nope.
Ugh.
Fuck!
[crickets chirping]
[knocking]
[doorknob rattles]
I'm "sarry."
You're "sarry?"
It's like
an advanced form of sorry.
Why didn't you tell me you were
the one to break up with him?
I just thought it was...
easier.
Easier than what?
I'm sarry.
I just-- I don't understand,
why you couldn't tell me,
like, why...
you didn't feel like
you could be honest with me.
We're supposed to be
best "fwiends."
[chuckles]
A higher form of friends.
[laughter]
I just...
He was the perfect guy.
And I don't know
what that says about me that...
I didn't want him.
Well,
until you figure it out...
my couch will be there for you.
I'll be there for you.
-Aw.
-[laughter]
[birds chirping]
Morning, sunshine.
Max, I'm not in the mood
for your usual
cheery banter right now.
Oh, don't be like that.
Do you want me
to make you some scramby eggs?
[yawns] Sure, yes.
No, it's fine, dude,
don't worry about it.
Wilco, Skipper.
Hey, I'm here for you.
[mumbled] I want
some scramby eggs.
[Abby] Bad sleep?
Absolute worst of my life.
Well, you know what
always makes me feel better?
The news.
[reporter] Tragedy struck
on the roads last night
when a young woman,
now known to have been
under the influence
of alcohol and Rohypnol,
commonly used
as a date rape drug,
crashed into
an oncoming vehicle.
It is currently unknown
whether the drug
was administered voluntarily
or if she was unaware
of its ingestion.
In a horrible coincidence,
the other vehicle involved
was filled
with her entire family,
including her dog and mother
who only just last week
was declared cancer free.
There were no survivors.
[officer]
Drugs, drinking, and driving.
The devil's threesome.
When this girl was smoking
her weeds earlier...
she wasn't thinking
about the consequences
of her actions.
And now her...
sweet, beloved dog...
Pongo...
has had to pay
the ultimate price.
[reporter]
Well, one thing is for sure.
If that Rohypnol was
administered by a third party,
-perhaps a blonde...
-[Abby sighs]
...then that person is clearly
a sick, sick individual.
And I feel sorry for anyone
who gets in the way
of what she wants.
Sorry, Drew.
Hey, Drew, isn't that girl
your beer pong partner?
No, no. Never seen her before.
Just 'cause she's Asian
doesn't mean
they all look the same.
God, Max,
you're such a racist prick!
I hate you so much
with your deep blue eyes,
you think you can just
look at me like that!
Well you can't, you can't!
[reporter] And now a story
just came from China.
They have been
teaching panda bears to...
You gotta get over her, bro.
Jesus, Abby, don't do that.
-[thud]
-[Jacob grunts]
Mom told me you ran into her.
She was at the bar.
Man, look at you, stalking her.
It's unhealthy to be
this obsessed over someone.
Yeah, I know.
I just don't know
what I was thinking.
You know, recently,
every decision I've made
has just been the wrong one.
Maybe Mike was right.
Maybe I am a dumb cunt.
You're not a dumb cunt.
You obviously still love her
and sometimes love just
makes you do crazy things.
-[whimsical music plays]
-[laughter]
Are you okay, Jacob?
You seem pretty blue.
And that's not
the Jacob I know.
-I'm all right, Max.
-Great.
Can I ask you
a question, Jacob?
Sure.
[sighs]
Do you ever feel
like there's something
missing from your life?
-What?
-You know, like,
there's a big gaping black hole
where your heart should be
and all that's contained inside
is just pain,
misery, and regret.
On occasion, yeah.
You know I-- I haven't
told you this, Jacob, but...
I was a bit of a sad sack
before I found Wynston...
and why, I just don't know
what I'd do if I lost him.
And say he started
seeing some other guy,
boy, that'd just crush me.
And that's why
I don't let a single day go by
where I don't tell him
how much he means to me
because that's what you do
when you love someone.
Right, Jacob?
Because if you love someone
you gotta tell them...
because if you tell them
and they don't reciprocate
then that just means that they
lost someone who loves them.
And I know that people
hurt each other in this crazy,
mixed up world, but gosh darn.
We just gotta decide
who's worth hurting for.
They are worth hurting for.
-[Max] Do it, Jacob.
-You're right, Wynston.
Max.
I know what I have to do now.
Thank you.
["Loves Me So"
by State Line Syndicate plays]
-[car engine sputters]
-Fuck!
[car door slams shut]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
oh darlin' stand by me
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
my heart is yours, you see
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
If there's
one thing that I know
My baby loves me so
[knocking]
[Mike grunts]
Mike, you were right, dude.
About everything.
I'm sorry.
I made a huge mistake
when I broke up with Olivia.
I don't want that
to happen between us, man.
You're my best friend.
If I lose you
I'm just gonna have Drew
and frankly, that's not enough.
Come here. [grunts]
Look, man,
I'm sorry too, all right?
I shouldn't have interfered,
buddy, all right?
Should have known you'd
fuck things up on your own.
All right,
you're good at doing that.
You really are.
But just know
when you do fuck up,
I'm always
there for you, buddy.
In this shitty-ass motel
you made me go to.
-Hm.
-If it makes you feel better,
I paid the bill up front
with my Dad's credit card.
You shouldn't have
done that. [sighs]
I went to town
on that fucking mini bar
last night, and porn?
Forget about it. Every channel.
My dick feels like a used rag.
Hurts all the time.
I went a little hard there,
all right?
I'm sorry.
Don't stress about it.
Don't stress about it,
all right?
Like, just blame your--
blame your grandfather,
-your dad will never know.
-[Jacob] My Grandpa?
You think
my dad's gonna believe
my Grandpa
woke up from the dead,
walked over
to this shitty motel,
drank all the booze,
and watched--
"The Grinch
Stole My Virginity."
Really?
Rip. [grunts]
Look, in between
all that porn I was watching,
all righty, I did have time
to think to myself.
And, look,
Olivia called me
every single night
after you guys broke up.
I feel like
she wouldn't have done that
if she didn't
actually love you.
I'm not saying
there's a chance.
I'm not saying that,
I'm just saying...
talk to her, man,
like, just talk.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah, like, fuck, look,
I appreciate the fact
that you came here and you--
and you apologized to me
and I love you for it,
but get your ass out of here
and go fucking talk to her.
Leave.
Why are you staring at me for?
Fuckin' go.
[sighs] Fuck.
["Loves Me So"
by State Line Syndicate plays]
And now I'm all shook up
Oh, darling,
can you tell me
Who wrote
the book of love?
At last I got a woman
and I love her so
Dream lover heaven must have
sent you so come on let's go
I wanna give you something
all my loving
You really got me
I can't help myself
With this unchained melody
And God only knows
it's only you in my life
My girl, I wanna hold your
hand now wouldn't it be nice
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
My baby love me so
What's wrong?
Nothing.
[Carly] Come on, tell me.
What is it?
No, really.
I-- I am telling you.
Ever since he and I broke up...
I haven't been sleeping well...
'cause...
when I'm sleeping...
we're still together...
but that was
the best night's sleep I've--
I've had in months.
[chuckling]
[doorbell ringing]
I'll get it.
Hello, kind sir.
My name is Brother Martin
and this is my associate, Kyle.
Howdy, would you happen
to have any goats
in this establishment,
by any chance?
Okay. No, no, no, I thought we
agreed I would do the talking.
You can't just ask straight up
if they have the goat.
Why not? That's why we're here.
-That's what we want.
-I know that's why we're here,
but they're not just gonna
give us a goat straight away.
We gotta say
we're goat food salesmen.
That is so true.
I have plenty of goat food.
Please and thank you.
So you do have a goat?
-He has a goat.
-No.
[Wynston baaing]
[panting]
-[Max exclaims]
-We see you!
[indistinct shouting]
Hello, lover.
Oh, God, no.
Abby, we need to talk.
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!
I figured we can get married
under the aurora borealis,
go honeymooning in Alaska,
and shoot some bears
just to really feel alive.
Okay, Abby, no.
This-- all of this,
everything, needs to stop.
-Please.
-Come on, Drew.
Abby, I cannot
make this more clear.
You need to move on.
Find someone else to terrify.
You scare the shit out of me.
Look,
you're a really pretty girl
and I'm sure you could get
any guy that you want.
You think I'm pretty?
Did you not hear
anything else that I just said?
That I could have
any guy I want and that's you!
No, that's not what I said.
That's exactly what you said.
[chuckles] Getting up now.
You are freakishly strong.
It's my feelings
that are strong, Drew.
I have
pretty strong feelings, too,
but very different ones.
I knew you felt the same way.
-[chuckles] No, I don't.
-[shushing]
[whispering] Can you hear that?
[whispering] What?
The sounds of the rest
of our lives together?
How can you hear that?
That's not a sound.
Wait a minute.
I think I do hear it.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
[speaking normal volume]
Haha, what the fuck?
Can you hear it, Drew?
Can you hear the heartbeat?
Are demon's hearts
in their stomachs?
Not mine. The baby's.
That's funny.
That almost sounded like
you said the baby's.
That's right, Drew.
Our baby.
What sorcery is this?
Oh, Drew.
Mike told me
all about your little trip
to the sperm bank
and the present
you left just for me.
I can feel the seed
growing inside of me.
It's already taken hold.
I can't wait for us
to be a family.
[indistinct] [panting]
Hey, apron man!
Come on, open the door!
[Max exclaims]
I just want to eat your skin.
[panting] Oh, paddlepops.
Those awful Satanists
have come to kill you.
What do we do?
Uh, uh, okay, the police.
-[banging on door]
-[indistinct chatter]
Wait.
No, I can't call the police.
Officer Lee Aaron
will arrest me for speeding,
stealing, lying,
swearing at an officer,
and fleeing from a scene.
You'll feel Satan's hot,
lusty steam.
One minute!
Okay, uh, uh,
Jacob is out
completing his character arc,
uh, Mikey's gone, uh,
Drew and Abby are occupied.
-Uh, who else can we call?
-What's that, Lucifer?
Yeah, you want that goat?
I'll get it. Don't worry.
No. No, I can't.
[Satanist]
Please give it to me.
The wound is still fresh.
No, I still have my pride.
I wanna feel your soul in me.
Okay. For you.
[banging on door]
[Satanist] Let-- let's just--
[indistinct]
[phone buzzing]
Oh, God.
-Well, who is it?
-It's him.
What do I do?
What do you mean, what do I do?
Well, do I answer it?
What do I do?
Don't rope me into this please.
Too late.
You're roped. Help me.
Okay, Skye, simple question.
Do you want to answer it?
[phone buzzing]
Oh, that bitch!
First she breaks my heart
and now she won't help my goat?
[banging on door]
I guess
it's up to you and me, buddy.
[Satanist] I just wanna spill
your blood all over me.
-Give me the little cute goat.
-[smooch]
I just want it so bad.
["How's It Going to Be"
by Third Eye Blind plays]
-Jacob.
-Olivia, don't say anything.
I never stopped
thinking about you.
When I ended things I was--
I thought I was
doing the right thing...
but I was so hung up
on doing the right thing
that I never thought about
doing what felt right.
And it never felt right
not being with you.
I was such a coward for not
admitting that to myself.
Jacob, I--
[fan] It's Tyler!
This fucking guy?
-Tyler.
-[Jacob] Look, Olivia.
You're smarter than this, okay?
Even back then
you tried to tell me
what I was doing was wrong.
What we had,
people go their entire lives
looking for and don't find,
and if you have that with him,
just let me know right now
and I'll let it go.
I'll let you go.
-Jacob.
-No, Olivia...
Maybe this might
change your mind.
Want to get
myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
-I love you.
-[smack]
[thud]
Oh, ow, what the fuck?
Dude, step off.
She's in a relationship.
What is your damage,
little boy?
You didn't even wait for her
to say yes or not.
It's called
a microaggression, brother.
-Olivia, I--
-[Tyler] Look, buddy,
I know you're probably
going through some crippling
emotional existential crisis
right now,
but that
doesn't give you the right
to go around kissing girls
when they give you
no indication
that they even wanted it.
If you'll excuse me...
I have to go
finish baking some cookies.
For the orphans...
who are moving
into the orphanage...
that I just built.
Jacob, what are you doing?
I don't know.
I just thought...
that if there was a chance
that you still loved me,
I had to take it.
Sorry, Jacob.
Why the long face, friend?
You know, a problem shared
is a problem halved.
You know, I really tried
to make things right today.
For the both of us.
What me and Olivia had...
look, I'm not stupid.
I know that eventually
I'll get over her...
maybe even find someone else.
One day I'm gonna wake up
and I'm not gonna feel
the same way about her.
But that's what I'm afraid of.
I don't want to let go of her.
I want to hold on to her
for as long as I can...
even if it's just
in my head and my heart.
You know, I was in love
with a girl once. [sighs]
Yeah, it didn't work out.
[sighs]
And it really felt like
the pain would never end.
[string melody plays]
Hi.
Hi.
Mind if I sit down?
Sure.
Jacob.
Skye.
Are you...
here with anyone?
I couldn't help
but notice the classic
heart to heart
with the bartender.
No, no.
Hence why I'm drinking
at 11:30 in the morning.
[Skye chuckles] Rough day, huh?
Well, I don't know
if you can tell,
but I actually
have a black eye.
Oh, yeah.
How'd that happen?
I made the egregious error
of offending...
a pretty good guy.
Well, he can't be that great
if he punched you in the face.
Well, he was baking cookies
for orphans
when he did it, so...
This story is making me
feel very conflicted.
Conflicted? [chuckles]
You want conflicted,
talk to this guy.
-[Skye chuckles]
-Conflict city.
-[both chuckle]
-Well, I--
I think I have you beat.
I recently
broke up with someone.
Okay, okay,
even playing field so far.
Well, much to the dismay
of my parents
and literally everyone
who knew us...
because really he--
he's such a nice guy.
Like, absurdly pleasant.
Yeah, yeah,
I-- I think I know the type.
Yeah, well, the feeling...
the feeling
just wasn't there...
after four years.
It took me four years to admit
I wasn't happy
with this perfect guy...
and it made me wonder,
you know...
what's wrong with me?
Maybe you just
weren't right for each other,
I mean, doesn't mean there's
anything wrong with you.
Yeah, tell that to my parents.
Look, you seem okay to me.
Yeah.
Maybe not wrong.
But different.
I'm...
I'm not the same person
I thought I was...
or who my parents hoped I was.
It's taken me
a long time to admit that.
Well, you know, sometimes
in life you just gotta
roll with the punches,
you know? [chuckles]
-[Jacob grunts]
-[Skye chuckles]
That was atrocious.
I'm glad you find my mental
-and physical pain hilarious.
-[Skye chuckles]
So, you think you have me beat?
Well, I mean, look,
you seem pretty content so far
and I'm not, so.
Clearly.
Hence the drinking at 11:30.
Ugh, well, you see
that's the only thing
that lets me feel.
Aw.
You sound like me
maybe, 12 hours ago?
Does that mean that
I'm gonna be okay in 12 hours?
That you don't believe in
I guess that depends
who you spend it with.
Yeah, well,
I mean, maybe we could--
What are you doing?
It looked like it
was going really well.
It was.
So what's the problem?
He's not you.
I've never been so alive
And there's
this burning, ah
There is this burning
Hey, hey, hey
This is all I wanna know
New York's evil,
the surface is everything
But I could never do that
Someone would
see through that
And this is the last time
We'll be friends again
And I'll get over you
You are not who I am
And there's this burning
Just like
there's always been
[suspenseful music plays]
And I, and I
I've never been so alive
So alive
I go home to the ghost
it starts to rain
But I'm out alone
on the water, alone
Taste the salt
and taste the pain
I'm not thinking
of you again
Oh, hey, guys. Are we leaving?
Uh, yeah.
Are you-- are you coming?
Uh, yeah, uh, just finishing up
some gardening.
All right, okay. Cool.
Get in.
Yeah.
In-- get in the car.
Whities in the back, fam!
I'd punch you both,
but that would be a hate crime.
Budge up, budge up.
Hi, daddy.
Jacob.
-Jacob.
-I'm driving.
Mike.
-Mike.
-Can't hear you, fam. [shouts]
["Missed Calls"
by Handguns plays]
I pack my bags
you dry your eyes
It doesn't get
much easier to say goodbye
I never call
can't get this right
Always the same thing
every time
So here's a song
for all of the times
I never called
but you were on my mind
I hope you know
I hope you know
When I'm out
on the open road
I count the days
'til I get home
So we can be alone
I've seen the mountains
next to tall palm trees
But they don't compare
with what you mean to me
You drop me off
before the door
Tell her
I can't do this anymore
I kiss your head
I'm out the door
I promise
I'm worth waiting for
I won't forget
to charge my phone this time
As long as you stay
on the other line
I hope you know
I hope you know
When I'm out
on the open road
I count the days
'til I get home
So we can be alone
["There's Something about Mary
Jane" by The Skategoats plays]
Take it all if you want it
Take it all
if you need it so
Take it all if you want it
Take it all
if you need it so bad
She said that
I need to find a job
Quit being such a slob
And do the goddamn dishes
She said that I
can't do much about
This girl named Mary Jane
That lives in her basement
So just take it all
if you want it
Take it all
if you need it so
Take it all if you want it
Take it all
if you need it so bad
She said that
I should throw out my guitar
And quit my dreams
of being a rockstar
She said that
I spend way too much time
Out with my friends
getting drunk
Staying out 'til 3:00 a.m.
She said that I need to
get out [indistinct lyrics]
But if I got
out [indistinct lyrics]
How could
I buy her anything?
She said that
I need to wait until
I've done my chores
then I can start
Popping pills
So take it all
if you want it
Take it all
if you need it so
Take it all if you want it
Take it all
if you need it so bad
She said that
I need to change
She said that
I need to change
She said that
I need to change
Or she'll take
my weed away
[man] But Mom!
I don't wanna
I don't wanna change
I don't wanna change
I don't wanna change
[music ends]
[thunder rumbling]
[children chattering
indistinctly]
[hopeful piano music playing]
What do you want to be
when you grow up?
Hannah?
When I grow up,
I want to be an animal doctor.
Perfect.
Jacob?
When I grow up...
I wanna be with you, Olivia.
[class] Aw!
Didn't you fuck that up?
What? No.
What are you talk-- [scoffs]
Yeah, you totally
broke up with her.
Yes. Yes he did, Tim.
Gold star for you.
Wow. You're an idiot, Jacob.
You're an idiot, Billy.
I heard that he did it
because he thought
it was the "right thing to do."
I-- I did. I did think--
-Who threw that?
-Jacob.
I'm very disappointed in you.
I thought...
well, I thought we were
gonna be together forever.
Olivia, I-- I do love you.
[class] Boo!
[Jacob groaning]
You're gonna die alone,
you know?
[kids shouting]
Why are you naked?
[kids laughing]
Olivia! Olivia?
Morning, son.
Dad.
Is anything wrong?
My dad just died.
Oh.
["There's Something About
Mary Jane" by The Skategoats]
[Jacob] So, why do I
have to do this again?
[Dad] Well, your mother and I
are busy arranging the funeral
and being very sad
that he's dead, Jacob.
[Jacob] Good point.
Where did Grandpa live again?
I mean, I know.
I just want
to make sure you know.
[Dad] Broken Bay.
[Jacob] Wait, Broken Bay?
That's--
[Dad] Where you're going.
Now hurry up.
Put your dick away.
Hey!
Where's your shit?
What do you mean
where's my shit?
We're only going for, like,
two days, this is fine.
Yeah, but that's just
a bottle of booze, dude.
-Where are your clothes?
-A bear ate them.
What about your other clothes?
I'll just turn
my underwear inside out,
it's no big deal.
Anyway, fuck me?
Uh, no, uh, sir, fuck you.
Why the fuck are there
so many bags in the back?
You're only one man, Jacob.
Dude, what makes you think
they're all mine?
What?
Aw, fuck.
Dude,
why is your sister coming?
Her Grandpa just died.
Why are you coming, Drew?
What's wrong
with her coming anyway?
Hey, Drew.
-Hey, Abby.
-Gum?
Um...
Yes?
Okay, you're just gonna
stick that right in my mouth.
That's...
Thanks.
Teenagers, right?
You're an asshole.
She's just
messing around, dude.
You're gonna
have to get used to it.
You're gonna be
stuck in the same house
for the next two days.
Well, at least I can avoid her
for the next two hou-- [sighs]
Whities in the back, fam.
Mike, when did you
even get here?
Early enough to call shotgun
and the aux cable.
["Terra" by Nate Rose
and Mogli the Iceburg playing]
...you gon' die,
you gon' die
Run and pray to God
you stay alive, stay alive
The weak are prey
and only strong survive,
Strong survive
Tell me how you feel
about your life
Okay, look, Mike.
Mike, listen to me right now.
I need you to do me a solid
and get out of the car, yeah?
Just get in the back.
Stop, stop.
Mike. I need your help.
I need your help. I will
fucking end you with this.
I will break
this wine bottle over your face
until you die from it.
I will destroy you.
I will fucking
break down this glass.
You think you're so cool?
[Drew sighs]
[faint music playing from car]
Knowledge is power
And I look like I got
the upper hand, ah, yeah
Plus I gotta
keep it moving y'all
Just do the runnin' man
What is that?
If you don't keep it movin',
you gon' die, you gon' die
Run and pray to God
you stay alive
[music gets louder]
The weak are prey
and only strong survive
Strong survive
["I'm Still Me"
by Melody Fall playing]
Let's go
Wake up, wake up,
booby prize
It seems like I'm the only
loser guy fitting my size
Thank you, thank you guys
for your advice
[music playing
faintly from radio]
Uh, Drew.
I cannot help but notice
you've drunk all your luggage.
[Drew hums]
Yeah, why don't you try
turning that inside out?
I'd let you turn me inside out.
Anyone?
Did anyone just hear that?
Hey, man, you should
get that light checked.
What, the oil okay light?
Wow, I wish
I lived in your world.
Dude, the light's
working fine, man.
What are you talking about?
[Mike] If there's one thing
my people know, it's oil.
All righty? And signs when
things are about to explode.
-Okay? Like--
-[Jacob] All right, look, Mike.
I've had this car for years
and this light
has been on the entire time.
Okay? It's fine. Don't worry.
I'll bet you five bucks
that this car
won't last a week.
Okay. Deal.
Earphone?
-Not even a little.
-All right.
I just thought
you'd prefer this
than Mike's stupid questions.
So, would you rather
have dick sized nipples
or a nipple sized dick?
Give me the headphone.
Drew, Drew, Drew
I love you, you, you
Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew
You're my one Drew, Drew
Drew, Drew, Drew
I love you, you, you
Jacob. Jacob.
Uh, dick sized nipples.
Definitely.
Mike. Mike.
Oh, can't hear you, fam.
[Mike shouts]
["That Guy"
by On Call Heroes playing]
Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
Pop that collar high
I may be an asshole
But you're still that guy
Pop that collar high
I may be an asshole
But you're still that guy
-[Skye slurping]
-[phone buzzing]
[Carly] Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Help me, Carly.
This has to stop.
Give me that. Give it to me.
Right after this tub.
So, how we feeling?
Day 38.
Wine-cream has not
filled the void.
Yet.
With skills like that,
it's a wonder
he ever broke up with you.
What's happening to me?
Well...
this is all...
not normal, but...
understandable.
You need to allow yourself
a certain adjustment period.
What should I do?
Well, you know what they say.
The best way
to get over someone
is to do anal with a stranger.
Nobody says that.
Pretty sure they do.
I don't think I'm ready
to do anal with a stranger.
I don't think I'm ready
for anal, full stop.
I'm just saying
let's go out together.
Meet some other guys.
I don't think I'm ready
to meet other...
guys.
Come on. It'll be good for you.
You've had
your 38 days of mourning.
Now comes the part
where you make bad decisions
that you regret
for the rest of your life.
Yes.
That does sound fun.
As long as nobody
gets pregnant, it's fine.
That's where
the anal comes in handy.
-Come on.
-Oh!
-[Skye moaning]
-Gross.
Where the fuck is Jacob, man?
I swear is he fucking
playing with his black cobra?
Like, what the fuck's he doing?
Uh, if he was doing that,
he'd be done a lot sooner.
[Mike] Fucking savage.
As much as I would love to talk
about my brother
fapping away in there,
I'm gonna go
to the bathroom while we wait.
You coming, Drew?
-No.
-You will be.
Mike, I need your help.
I knew this day would come.
Man, look, I understand
you're gay, all right?
But I can't-- I can't
help you in this journey.
It's a solo journey.
Brother, I love you, but not
like that, man, come on.
Look, look,
remember the Christmas party
we had a few weeks ago?
Uh, you mean opposed
to the fucking one in August?
Okay, can you just?
Do you remember?
-I can do the dance.
-You can't do it, bro.
-I can do the dance.
-You can't do shit, bro.
Yeah? You wanna bet?
You wanna bet?
-Nah, nah, nah, nah.
-Take the drink.
-Ready?
-Okay.
Rising up that stream
Rising up that stream
Honestly, no. Wait.
Yes. Oh, wait.
Was it the time
we got really fucked up
and went to that
sperm bank and, uh,
we made a bet that you were
too ugly to donate sperm?
Am I pretty enough
to donate sperm?
Tell him!
You want me to pay you?
I'll pay you.
Here, take everything.
Take everything I own.
Take it all. Take it all.
Honestly, I don't know.
It's all kind of a blur.
But the Christmas party.
It was good up until...
I fucked up.
What did you do?
Did you take
a shit in the shower
and then you had to, like,
fucking waffle stomp
that bitch?
No?
Oh.
No, either-- not me either.
[Mike clears throat]
Uh, no, I--
I kissed Abby.
And?
I know, I know.
It was dark and you can't argue
with the mistletoe.
It's got very
specific instructions
and she just scares
the shit out of me.
She's obsessed with me.
That's what happens when
you kiss a fucking 12-year-old.
She was 17!
But she's 18 now.
Who gives a fuck?
-[Jacob whistling]
-[liquid streaming]
Hey, Mikey.
I'm not Mikey.
You're not...
You-- you're-- you're Mikey.
No, dude, he's outside.
I'm Jacob.
Who are you?
Um, Mike...
do you want
to have a sword fight?
Not necessarily, no.
I can be gentle.
[Markovich] Mikey?
Here he comes. Don't tell him.
Don't tell Jacob, don't.
No, bro, he probably
already knows, man.
Fucking Abby's told me,
like, five times.
-Told you what?
-Mike shit in your shower.
You know, sometimes I genuinely
wish you guys were strangers.
["Drawing Board"
by Mest playing]
So love me,
so I can be myself again
Now hate me
So things seem normal
in my head
I'm trying
To break away
this ball and chain
So hate me
So things seem normal
in my head
Things seem normal...
[Mike] Hey, Markovich!
I spent days
and nights in my bedroom
Trying to write the perfect
song to sing to you
Write a song a day
but she won't like it anyway
Back to the drawing board
With the words you've heard
a million times before
In your head
I am dead
Did you remember
times before?
Back to the drawing board
I'm ready.
Fuck no.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-Come on.
-[Skye groaning] No.
-I want you to look at this.
This wine looks like blood.
Pants-top combo.
Dress. [chuckles]
What are we feeling?
Depressed.
Well, that kinda
sounds like a dress.
So, maybe try on this one.
[sighs]
Doesn't match
my blackened heart.
Okay, Debbie Downer,
you're gonna have to work
with me here, okay?
Will you at least please
wear a darker dress?
Please.
-Suppose I can't argue.
-Yep. Okay.
Try this one.
Come on, try it on.
I wanna see.
But...
you're there.
And?
Well, I don't know,
I thought...
alone times.
Skye. I'm a girl, yeah?
Seen it all before.
I mean, half these dresses
came from naked girls.
One night.
Steamy, sexy...
scissoring encounters.
How many scissoring encounters?
A few.
I mean, okay,
I might be, like, 68% gay.
How can you be so sure?
Maths.
Okay, so,
if I've slept with 34 women...
and 16 guys...
How?
Like, how do you find the time?
How many days in a year?
[Carly] Mm-hmm, okay,
so, if I'm 22 now,
I've slept with 50 people.
That's one person
every 160.6 days.
It's quite
conservative, really.
That's if you started
when you were born.
Everybody's gotta
start somewhere, Skye.
-Okay, but it's just, I--
-Put the damn dress on.
-[Skye] Okay.
-[both chuckle]
["Body Talk"
by The Struts playing]
All right, so in total,
your Grandad's
bar tab comes to...
[Jacob] Dude, Mike.
Jesus Christ!
No wonder he fucking died.
That is a lot of money.
I'd actually be pretty proud
if I wasn't
so depressed right now.
Fucking hell.
Just on credit, dude.
I need to know, know, know
What do ya need,
need, need?
What do ya like,
like, like?
Cause I'm gonna
be it tonight
You can be cool,
you can be shy
Say what you want,
say what you like
'Cause ooh, your body talks,
your body talks
Ooh-ooh, your body talks
You can pretend
you don't wanna know
But I read the signs
from your head to your toes
Yeah, you don't need
to say a word 'cause
Ooh, ooh, your body talks
Your lips
are a conversation
Jakey-wakey. Mikey likey.
If it's my imagination
Stop me if I'm wrong
I need to know, know, know
It's Olivia. Holy shit.
How many camels is she worth?
Seven? I've only got six.
Damn, one more.
You can be cool,
you can be shy
Say what you want,
say what you like
'Cause ooh, your body talks,
your body talks
Ooh-ooh, your body talks
You can pretend
you don't wanna know
But I read the signs
from your head to your toes
Yeah, you don't need
to say a word 'cause
Ooh, ooh, your body talks
[Mike] Evening, ladies.
Guess I'll go fuck myself.
I swear-- Bro.
-Olivia. Hey.
-[Olivia] Jacob.
Wow, it's great to see you.
Why are you here?
Here? Right now? Um...
Paying my Grandpa's tab.
Apparently he was an alcoholic,
which is probably
why he's dead right now.
-[Olivia] Right.
-Yeah, I'm good though.
Um, what about you?
Um, great,
I actually live here now.
Oh, you do? Really?
[chuckles] What are
the chances of that, huh?
Just astronomical.
Wow, that's great.
Look, Olivia, um...
if you want to grab
dinner sometime, I mean,
I know you're busy
and I'm only here
for a couple of days,
but if you want to sometime?
Yeah.
I mean...
maybe.
How about right now?
I have no plans at all.
[Mike] Oh, yeah.
It's not like
you were hanging out with me.
Why the fuck
did you bring me then?
It's just, you know,
we haven't seen
each other in a while
and it'd be great
if we just catch up
for a bit, you know, hang out.
Just as friends,
I mean, of course.
Yeah.
Yeah.
-[doorbell rings]
-I'll get it.
Please help us.
So, what's with the goat?
Oh, boy.
It is a pulse pounding
tale of adventure.
Think of Free Willy,
but with a goat.
Tell us all about it.
I want to hear the entire tale
in its entirety
before I leave this table.
Well, uh, you wouldn't
believe me if I told you.
Wouldn't we?
We're interested,
aren't we, Abby?
-Well--
-Great.
From the beginning,
please and thank you.
[chuckles] Okay, uh,
well, I was on this blind date,
uh, with a woman named Helen.
[chuckles] She was
really into me, by the way.
You know. [chuckles] Women.
[chuckling] Anyway.
Max Cameron.
I'm sorry, what?
Oh... [chuckles] ...sometimes
I just like to say my own name.
-All right.
-[clicks tongue]
So, I, uh...
really enjoyed the date
we were on just now.
[car engine stops]
[clicks tongue] We should do it
again sometime.
Yeah, I mean...
There are a lot of things
that we should do again,
but...
we never will.
[seatbelt clicks]
[car door shuts close]
[heels tapping in distance]
Just...
get in the door.
[phone ringing]
Duh. [chuckles]
So, where does
the goat come into all of this?
Abby, it's called
setting the scene, read a book.
[indistinct chanting]
[chanting stops]
Helen?
So Wynston and I just
hightailed it out of there.
Wynston?
The goat's name is Wynston?
Abby, the goat's name
is Wynston.
Good. Good for Wynston.
So there I was,
driving away for my life
with Wynston in the back seat.
Don't worry, Wynston.
Max Cameron's here to save you.
[siren wailing]
Oh, fuck!
[Max groaning]
Oh, please, hurry.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
That's fine.
I'm Sergeant Lee Aaron.
Do you realize how--
Is that a goat?
His name is Wynston.
Hello, Wynston.
Now, do you realize
how fast that you were going?
Okay, yes, uh, I know I was
going fast, but believe me
when I tell you,
I have a very good reason.
There's never a good reason
for speeding, son.
Would you rather be
three minutes late
to whatever hootenanny
you're on your way to or...
permanently late?
-'Cause you're dead.
-Please, sir.
I-- I'm-- I'm currently
being traced by a mob
of angry Satanists because
I stole their sacrificial goat.
Stole, you say?
Well, stealing's a crime, son.
If you'll just look over there,
you'll see
how truthful I'm being.
-I'm not lying when I tell--
-Lying, you say?
All right,
that's going on the list.
If you would just look
over there slightly,
if you would just
slightly turn your head
then you'll see that I--
Please.
-Not wearing a seat belt--
-Oh, for fuck's sake,
will you just turn your head?
Swearing at an officer.
That's going on the list.
[Max screaming]
Fleeing the scene of a crime,
that's going on the list.
[men chanting]
So, I just kept driving.
I don't even know where I am.
Why didn't you just drive home?
It's not safe
for Wynston back there.
[Max scoffs]
No, no, I'll start
a new life here, thank you.
Where there
are no devil worshippers.
Ha-- has anyone seen
this goat or this man?
Goat or the man? Hey, you.
You, you guys,
there's a goat and a man.
The man's taken the goat,
we're trying to find the goat.
[man] We just want the goat,
don't even need the man.
-[man 2] Don't need the man.
-[man] It's fine.
It's like we're
environmentalists or something.
Carly does...
what Carly has to do. [retches]
Which is drink shots
and get my friend a dick.
Yeah, yeah, I was talking
about you, that's right.
[Carly chuckles]
You're cute
when you're nervous. [laughs]
Yes.
Oh, my God,
I'm gonna confiscate this.
Bitch.
Oh, whoa. Mm-hmm. Okay.
[giggles]
And she swallows. [laughs]
Let's hope the fellas
think you're cute too, huh?
Let's have a look, partner.
[Carly imitating radar]
What the fuck are you doing?
Boop.
I spy a Negative Nancy.
I'm gonna try West.
Land ho.
What, him?
Don't worry, he'll come to us.
Why do we want him
to come to us?
He's the scenic route
or scenic route
for added effect.
-[laughs]
-Wait, what?
See, okay. [sighs]
Let me bestow upon you
the secrets of womankind
passed down
from generation to generation.
The scenic route is a
below average looking gentleman
who has hotter friends.
You introduce yourself to him
while he's alone and he,
in turn, will,
you know, introduce you
to his hotter friends.
[chuckles]
You know, I don't know,
some kind of
showing off thing, whatever.
And then while
you're over there,
you just jump ship
right onto the hot guy's cock.
Scenic route.
Get where you're going,
just take an alternate path.
What happened
to you as a child?
Ready? Break.
[laughs] Skye!
-He's looking.
-[Skye] No, wait, wait.
How do we know
if he has hot friends?
I saw them with my telescope.
[giggles]
Hi, excuse me.
Oh, my God. Hi.
And then apparently
he shat in my shower.
[scoffs] You are as charming
as ever.
[laughs] Hey, I didn't shit
in my shower.
Thanks for sharing that.
You're welcome. You know what?
I feel like
we've really bonded tonight.
Where's Mike?
That was him
I saw you with before, right?
[both laughing]
[clears throat] So, hm,
what happened
to your Black friend?
Hmm?
Yeah, I-- I think
he had something to do
back at the bar maybe?
I don't-- I think.
You ditched him?
Yeah. Without even telling him.
You know what?
I think he's gonna be fine.
As long as he doesn't go
into any showers unsupervised.
Uh, too bad this whole town
is full of them.
Well, then that means
that he's already dead.
What's up with everyone
I care about dying?
First Grandpa, then Mike.
Next thing, you know,
it could be you.
Okay, that's-- Okay,
that's not what I meant to say.
What I meant was
I don't really care
about you at all.
Thanks.
Okay, that's not
what I meant to say either.
Relax.
I know what you meant.
I mean, it's hard to spend
three years with someone
and then stop
caring about them, you know?
Yeah, yeah,
and you know I'm-- I'm fine.
I'm totally okay.
Absolutely
no soul crushing regrets
that keep me up at night.
I mean, what even is
a soul crushing regret, right?
I don't know 'cause
I never had one. [chuckles]
What about you?
[fan] It's Tyler!
Tyler
Tyler
Tyler
Tyler
Tyler
He's the greatest
don't forget it
And you want him
more than anything
Chasing the limit
he's in hyperdrive
He's like a fire
burning up the night
No matter where Tyler goes
He's the star of the show
He's tantalizing,
always on your mind
Lust for his body,
heat between your thighs
If he whispers your name
Then you'll
never be the same
When Tyler enters the room
You scream
and watch every move
Electrifying,
all-encompassing
He's like a sexual machine
He's taking over
your dreams
The chiseled muscles,
he is everything
Tyler
Tyler
Tyler
Look at his hair,
he'll make you come forever
I can see you drooling now
Tyler
You're getting wetter,
juices flowing
Wanna fuck him
more than anything
Tyler
Tyler
Tyler
[sighs]
Jacob, this is--
Tyler.
And you are?
She just told you
my name was Jacob.
Anyway, it's nice...
Who is this guy?
[fan] It's Tyler!
My boyfriend.
["Half Past Forever" by
Better Luck Next Time playing]
[Carly laughing]
-Wow, you're really funny.
-Thank you.
-Do you work out?
-[man 3] Yep.
[Carly] Wow.
-Oh, hey there.
-[Carly] Hi.
Can I get you another round?
-Yeah, that sounds nice.
-Yeah.
-You gonna drink it with us?
-I don't see why not.
You said you wanted to go out
and we're out, so pick one.
Hey, Red. How you doing?
Hi. I'm doing pretty well.
How are you?
[man 4] All the better
for seeing you.
So, one for my friend
as well then.
Uh, no.
It'll be more fun
if it's just the two of us.
My friend, Skye, and I
were actually drinking
some vodka sodas
-if you wanted to join us.
-Oh, I'd love to.
It looks like
you're almost out.
Oh, look at that.
I am. [chuckles]
Do you work out?
Yeah, about six times a week.
Yeah, go and have another feel.
So I'm taking
The part of me
that stands in your way
And saying goodbye
to the yesterday
Now we're taking
the part of us that feels
Like it's half
past forever
And this time
it's now or never
So I'm taking the part of me
that stands in your way
And saying goodbye
to the yesterday
Now we're taking
the part of us that feels
Like it's half
past forever
And this time
it's now or never
Um...
hi.
[screaming]
[man 4]
You spilled my drink, dawg.
[screaming continues]
[Carly] Skye, wait!
What happened?
The only scenic route
I'm taking is the bus home.
[Carly]
Skye, you weren't listening.
You're not supposed
to take the scenic route home,
you're supposed to use him to--
[Skye] I know what
the scenic route is for.
Not everyone wants
to do anal with a stranger.
Not that you'd care.
I've really been hurting
this last month
and you've used tonight
as an excuse
to try and get with some guy.
An excuse?
Okay, firstly, I got, like,
five guys back there.
Secondly,
I was doing it for you.
I would have given you one.
Or even two if you wanted
to try and make that, you know,
Chinese finger trap
thing happen.
What is wrong with you?
Carly, if you knew me at all
you'd know that
I don't want any of this.
I thought
that's what you wanted.
I thought you wanted
to get back out there.
You forgot your phone.
I'm sorry.
I know you've been
really hurting since he left...
but I thought tonight
it could just be us, you know?
Go out and have fun.
While you were with him
I barely got to see you
and... now it's just us.
Together again.
I'm sorry I yelled.
I just want to go home.
Then let's go. Hoe.
[both laughing]
[both laughing]
[Olivia]
Jacob, why aren't you laughing?
Uh, because it wasn't funny.
Well,
you're wrong there, dummy.
You see, you might have missed
the hilarity in the joke.
Uh, no, actually,
I'm not wrong.
I did understand the joke.
I just didn't find it funny.
What I don't understand
is how you're dating
this guy, Olivia.
Jacob, that's--
that's really rude.
[phone ringing]
[Jacob] I'm the one being rude?
How, Olivia?
How can you date this guy?
I don't understand.
This isn't you.
What the fuck would
you know about what I want?
You don't even know
what you want.
That's why we broke up.
[phone ringing]
What? What?
[Mike] Why aren't you
at your dead Granddad's place?
What?
Man, you fucked up with Olivia,
so I brought the party
back to your place.
You're having a party
at my dead Grandpa's house?
You saw the bar tab,
he'd be fucking proud.
Oh, by the way, that bar tab,
it just got a little higher.
Anyway, where the fuck are you?
I need a beer pong partner
and clearly Drew's shithoused,
he can't fucking play.
-[Drew] Hey, fuck you!
-Hey, no, no, no, no, no.
Fuck me? No, sir.
Fuck you.
Look. Mike, Mike,
put Drew on the phone.
Drew, it's your boy.
My-- my boy!
Hey, chocolate.
What's happening?
Dude, what the hell
is going on?
Party's happening.
Be here or be square.
Wait, no, I fucked that up.
-Come here and--
-Drew, listen,
how could you let
this happen, man?
What do you think my parents
are gonna say if they find out?
Uh, sorry we missed it?
But seriously, I did call ahead
and I did get permission.
Wait, seriously?
Well, I left a voicemail.
[Drew moaning on voicemail]
-I'm sure it's fine.
-No.
No, Drew, it's not fine.
You're supposed to be
the smart one.
I am the smart one.
No, no, you know what?
You've replaced Mike now
as the dumb one.
Uh, I'm not as stupid as you
because I didn't throw a party
in an ill-conceived attempt
to get Jacob away from Olivia.
Fuck, you're an idiot, Mike.
-What?
-What?
This is Jacob.
Oh, no.
Well, regardless of that,
this may have been
Mike's idea,
but I'm 100% on board
with this party
because before this,
it was just me and Abby.
And Max and Wynston.
Who the fuck
is Max and Wynston?
Oh, Jacob,
you'll love Max and Wynston.
So many zany stories.
So much zane.
If we were the cast of Titanic,
he would be Billy Zane.
Except picture him with a goat
instead of trying
to murder DiCaprio.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
I'm gonna let Max explain.
Maximus!
Where is that
little goat loving boy?
There he is! Hey, how're you?
I love you.
Tell him all about Billy Zane.
Hello? Is this Billy Zane?
No, you're Billy Zane?
I'm Billy Zane?
[scoffs] Look.
Abby. Do you know Abby?
Can you-- can you
give her the phone?
Billy Zane
wants to talk to Abby.
[chuckles] Silly Zane.
Dude, is the phantom
actually at your house
right now, bro?
I don't know, Tyler.
Look,
I need to go.
My parents
want to sell that house
and if there's
a Mike shaped hole in the wall,
the value's gonna go
down pretty quick.
-Jacob.
-Olivia, look.
You don't have to say anything.
If you want to talk,
just give me a ring. Anytime.
Tyler, it was...
Fuck.
I like him. He's, um...
passionate.
["Emilio Fiestavez"
by Sorry Sweetheart playing]
I wrote this song
in the shower
Right after I threw up
I couldn't think of
a more perfect relapse
I feel like too much
is never enough
But I hate who I am
And I don't wanna quit
Who's gonna get fucked up?
Who's gonna get fucked up?
We're gonna get fucked up!
Oh, no I swear
This is the last time
Told you I'm tryin'
Oh, no I swear
That one day I'll be fine
You know I'm lyin'!
Last night it was a blur
But at least
we both had fun
I couldn't think of
a more perfect person to
Forget sometimes I think
I'll never be done
'Cause I hate who I am
And I'm not
gonna quit, no!
Who's gonna get fucked up?
Who's gonna get fucked up?
We're gonna get fucked up!
Oh, no I swear
This is the last time
Told you I'm tryin'
Oh, no I swear
That one day I'll be fine
You know I'm lyin'!
Oh, no I swear
This is the last time
Told you I'm tryin'
Oh, no I swear
That one day I'll be fine
You know I'm lyin'!
Aw, man, aw man, Zack,
man, I told you
this was the last...
[objects clattering]
[Drew chuckles]
So, what's the story here?
Is this your house or...
Oh, yeah, I mean,
I own this
and at least six casinos.
I'm lying,
this is my buddy Jacob's place.
So, does that mean
you have a bedroom here?
Oh, yeah, I've got,
like, a big comfy ol' bed.
Can I see it?
Why, are you,
like, a bed salesman?
Oh, I'm sorry. Saleswoman.
Salesperson.
I don't know
the technical term for--
[shushing] Please stop talking.
Can we just go upstairs
so I can see
that big comfy bed?
Oh, well if you put it
that way then, yeah,
sure, we can
go see my big comfy bed.
All you had to do was ask.
I didn't even know
we were standing
on the staircase anyway.
-[Abby] Drew.
-[Drew screams]
[Abby] Can I talk to you
for a minute?
-Alone?
-Not even a little bit.
Good day.
[Abby] Don't you think
you should stop drinking?
The alcohol could be
affecting your decision making.
Do you really want to
do something you'll regret?
Yeah.
[window squeaking]
Can you not do that? Thanks.
Sorry.
It's the only thing
that lets me feel.
Yeah.
It's the only way
this captain's gonna keep
his ship in tip top shape
to sail the high seas.
[laughs]
So, the-- the hat and stuff,
that's, like, your thing or...
-What thing?
-Never mind.
Aye-aye. [laughs]
Yeah, this is pretty comfy.
I can think of a way
we can be more comfortable.
Oh?
And in some positions
somewhat uncomfortable,
but worth it overall.
You're being very diplomatic.
Is it turning you on?
A little, yeah. To be TBH.
Well, if we're being TBH...
I gotta take a whiz
but you just lay there
and think about
how cute you think I am.
-Okay.
-Ready? Break.
[Drew grunts]
[punk music plays in distance]
[chuckles] Don't mind me
first mate, Squawkers.
Just make sure
he doesn't bite you.
[laughing]
Are we gonna get scurvy?
That's not the worst
disease you contracted.
-Fuck you.
-Fuck me?
No ma'am, fuck you.
Land ho, ladies.
-Excuse me, driver?
-Captain.
Captain, sorry, um,
could you please take us
to the roundabout up there
and swing back around please?
[Captain] What do you think?
Aye-aye. Hard starboard.
Isn't that your parents?
Fuck.
Well, no need to jump ship.
What could they possibly want?
Well, you've been
screening their calls, right?
Well, yeah, but--
Yeah, okay. So, we can do this.
All we need to do
is conceal the fact
that you're a drunkard now.
I can't go in there with
pre-spilled wine on my dress.
I have some female clothes
in the boot.
Would you like to borrow them?
What?
I have
some clothes in the boot.
Would you like them, Skye?
How does he know my name?
Yes, she would.
Thank you, Captain.
-How does he know my name?
-[shushing]
Just let it happen.
[boot creaks open]
Yeah.
She was about your size.
Aloha.
Huh.
[Drew mumbling]
Oh, hey,
you know Casey, don't you?
Did she come by here
looking extremely aroused?
Uh, she didn't tell you?
She just got a phone call
saying that her entire family
had been killed
in a horrific car accident
and she had to
leave immediately.
Huh.
I am sad for multiple reasons.
The car crash
is none of them, really.
[Skye]
I cannot believe they're here.
Mr. and Mrs. Baker.
So nice to see you again
here at my home.
You're looking great.
Have you lost weight?
Cram it, Hooper.
Did he just last name me?
Yeah, everything's great.
Keeping busy.
That's what
you wanted to hear, right?
Look, we're just-- we just
want to know how you're doing.
We don't understand
why you broke up with this guy.
He was so sweet to you,
so nice to you.
We just don't get it, Skye.
Look, I'm sorry I haven't been
speaking to you guys.
I've just been
going through some things
and I needed some time
to figure it all out.
I'll-- I'll call you
after I've sorted
things through.
I know you think
I made a mistake
by breaking up with him...
but... I didn't.
Maybe we can talk
about it over brunch?
Don't be stupid, Skye.
You know perfectly well
your mother and I
don't do brunch.
It's breakfast or lunch.
Choose one.
[rock music plays in distance]
[car door slams shut]
[bottle breaks]
[chuckles]
And that's why
my plan is infallible.
So, what are you going to do
when Jacob shows up?
He'll be too busy trying
to climb out of his own asshole
before he gets here.
A couple of hours. Fuck.
Hey, guys, it's your boy.
What's up, man?
No, it's not your boy.
What the fuck is this?
An absolute
banger of a party, bro.
Grab a drink.
Dude, how is there
a party going on right now?
How and why?
Well, if you must know, Jacob,
since you rudely
ditched me at the bar,
I had to find
my own way back home
and the only way to do that
was to hijack a party bus
that just happened to roll by.
It was fate, Jacob. Fate.
But naturally,
you know, the party went
from the bus back to the house.
'Cause this is
your house though,
this is all--
all this is your fault.
Not really mine.
Shame on you, buddy.
Shame.
Goddammit, dude.
Anyways,
how'd it go with Olivia?
-Not well.
-Not well, he says.
She has a boyfriend now.
Well, it's been two years.
I mean, she would be mental
if she didn't
move on after that.
I mean, what,
she's gonna be single
after two years, moping around?
Oh, I'm so sad,
oh, I can't move on.
What?
Oh, oh, tell me you don't--
Sorry. No, no, no, I didn't--
-I didn't mean to-- Okay.
-[Jacob] Prick.
You did this to yourself, man.
How the fuck
did I do this to myself, Mikey?
What, you came up here,
you drudged up
all of these
old feelings again.
You absolutely
did this to yourself.
Like, no one told you to go
and talk to her again, man.
Should have just hidden
or run away
like a normal ex-boyfriend.
Fuck, you spent
so long trying to get over her.
What, you're gonna
go back to that again?
Fuck that. This is a party.
There are girls.
One, two. One, two.
Come on, man,
I'm doing you a favor here.
A favor? You call this--
My Grandpa's house
is gonna be trashed
by the end of the night, Mikey.
How is that a favor,
you selfish fuck?
Selfish?
[snaps fingers]
[sighs] Clearly, you're acting
a little bit
more sensitive than usual.
I'm sensing a lot of
negative energy here, man.
Don't pretend that you're mad
about this party.
You're mad
that she didn't go back to you.
Are you surprised
that "date" didn't go well?
Of course it didn't.
It's your ex
fucking girlfriend, man.
-Don't be a dumb cunt.
-Don't make this about Olivia.
Uh, you made this about Olivia.
Already one look at her
and you're back
to where you were
two years ago.
Look, I could understand
if she dumped you.
But she didn't. You dumped her.
You're just gonna
hurt her again.
You have no idea
what you're talking about.
Oh, don't I, Jacob? Don't I?
You weren't there
for the aftermath, man.
She'd call me in the middle
of the night asking
how I can
get you guys back together,
or if there was
a slither of a chance
to get you guys
to be together again?
Do you really want to go
through all that again?
Do you really want her
to go through that again?
Who gave you the right
to make that decision for me?
Uh, you did
when you accidentally
bumped into her at the bar.
What?
I've seen you on your phone.
The check-ins. All right?
Don't pretend you were here
to help your family
sell this house.
You knew
she lived here, all right?
You wanted to bump into her.
No, no--
Jacob.
Come on, come on.
All right. Okay.
I wanted to see her again.
Is that so bad, Mike?
Yes. Unequivocally yes.
No good's gonna
come from this, man.
I don't need you telling me
how much I fucked up, okay?
[scoffs]
Clearly I fucking do,
because you're fucking things
up for yourself anyway.
-All right, you know what?
-What?
-[Jacob] Get out.
-Get out?
-Get out of my house.
-Where the fuck
-am I meant to go?
-Don't care.
What do you mean
you don't care?
Just get out, take your party
and get the fuck out.
-Jacob--
-Get out, Mike.
Cool.
You guys, too.
Get out. Out. Party's over.
You guys, too. Out.
Didn't you hear me?
Out.
-[girl retches]
-Ugh.
Nope.
Ugh.
Fuck!
[crickets chirping]
[knocking]
[doorknob rattles]
I'm "sarry."
You're "sarry?"
It's like
an advanced form of sorry.
Why didn't you tell me you were
the one to break up with him?
I just thought it was...
easier.
Easier than what?
I'm sarry.
I just-- I don't understand,
why you couldn't tell me,
like, why...
you didn't feel like
you could be honest with me.
We're supposed to be
best "fwiends."
[chuckles]
A higher form of friends.
[laughter]
I just...
He was the perfect guy.
And I don't know
what that says about me that...
I didn't want him.
Well,
until you figure it out...
my couch will be there for you.
I'll be there for you.
-Aw.
-[laughter]
[birds chirping]
Morning, sunshine.
Max, I'm not in the mood
for your usual
cheery banter right now.
Oh, don't be like that.
Do you want me
to make you some scramby eggs?
[yawns] Sure, yes.
No, it's fine, dude,
don't worry about it.
Wilco, Skipper.
Hey, I'm here for you.
[mumbled] I want
some scramby eggs.
[Abby] Bad sleep?
Absolute worst of my life.
Well, you know what
always makes me feel better?
The news.
[reporter] Tragedy struck
on the roads last night
when a young woman,
now known to have been
under the influence
of alcohol and Rohypnol,
commonly used
as a date rape drug,
crashed into
an oncoming vehicle.
It is currently unknown
whether the drug
was administered voluntarily
or if she was unaware
of its ingestion.
In a horrible coincidence,
the other vehicle involved
was filled
with her entire family,
including her dog and mother
who only just last week
was declared cancer free.
There were no survivors.
[officer]
Drugs, drinking, and driving.
The devil's threesome.
When this girl was smoking
her weeds earlier...
she wasn't thinking
about the consequences
of her actions.
And now her...
sweet, beloved dog...
Pongo...
has had to pay
the ultimate price.
[reporter]
Well, one thing is for sure.
If that Rohypnol was
administered by a third party,
-perhaps a blonde...
-[Abby sighs]
...then that person is clearly
a sick, sick individual.
And I feel sorry for anyone
who gets in the way
of what she wants.
Sorry, Drew.
Hey, Drew, isn't that girl
your beer pong partner?
No, no. Never seen her before.
Just 'cause she's Asian
doesn't mean
they all look the same.
God, Max,
you're such a racist prick!
I hate you so much
with your deep blue eyes,
you think you can just
look at me like that!
Well you can't, you can't!
[reporter] And now a story
just came from China.
They have been
teaching panda bears to...
You gotta get over her, bro.
Jesus, Abby, don't do that.
-[thud]
-[Jacob grunts]
Mom told me you ran into her.
She was at the bar.
Man, look at you, stalking her.
It's unhealthy to be
this obsessed over someone.
Yeah, I know.
I just don't know
what I was thinking.
You know, recently,
every decision I've made
has just been the wrong one.
Maybe Mike was right.
Maybe I am a dumb cunt.
You're not a dumb cunt.
You obviously still love her
and sometimes love just
makes you do crazy things.
-[whimsical music plays]
-[laughter]
Are you okay, Jacob?
You seem pretty blue.
And that's not
the Jacob I know.
-I'm all right, Max.
-Great.
Can I ask you
a question, Jacob?
Sure.
[sighs]
Do you ever feel
like there's something
missing from your life?
-What?
-You know, like,
there's a big gaping black hole
where your heart should be
and all that's contained inside
is just pain,
misery, and regret.
On occasion, yeah.
You know I-- I haven't
told you this, Jacob, but...
I was a bit of a sad sack
before I found Wynston...
and why, I just don't know
what I'd do if I lost him.
And say he started
seeing some other guy,
boy, that'd just crush me.
And that's why
I don't let a single day go by
where I don't tell him
how much he means to me
because that's what you do
when you love someone.
Right, Jacob?
Because if you love someone
you gotta tell them...
because if you tell them
and they don't reciprocate
then that just means that they
lost someone who loves them.
And I know that people
hurt each other in this crazy,
mixed up world, but gosh darn.
We just gotta decide
who's worth hurting for.
They are worth hurting for.
-[Max] Do it, Jacob.
-You're right, Wynston.
Max.
I know what I have to do now.
Thank you.
["Loves Me So"
by State Line Syndicate plays]
-[car engine sputters]
-Fuck!
[car door slams shut]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
oh darlin' stand by me
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
my heart is yours, you see
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
If there's
one thing that I know
My baby loves me so
[knocking]
[Mike grunts]
Mike, you were right, dude.
About everything.
I'm sorry.
I made a huge mistake
when I broke up with Olivia.
I don't want that
to happen between us, man.
You're my best friend.
If I lose you
I'm just gonna have Drew
and frankly, that's not enough.
Come here. [grunts]
Look, man,
I'm sorry too, all right?
I shouldn't have interfered,
buddy, all right?
Should have known you'd
fuck things up on your own.
All right,
you're good at doing that.
You really are.
But just know
when you do fuck up,
I'm always
there for you, buddy.
In this shitty-ass motel
you made me go to.
-Hm.
-If it makes you feel better,
I paid the bill up front
with my Dad's credit card.
You shouldn't have
done that. [sighs]
I went to town
on that fucking mini bar
last night, and porn?
Forget about it. Every channel.
My dick feels like a used rag.
Hurts all the time.
I went a little hard there,
all right?
I'm sorry.
Don't stress about it.
Don't stress about it,
all right?
Like, just blame your--
blame your grandfather,
-your dad will never know.
-[Jacob] My Grandpa?
You think
my dad's gonna believe
my Grandpa
woke up from the dead,
walked over
to this shitty motel,
drank all the booze,
and watched--
"The Grinch
Stole My Virginity."
Really?
Rip. [grunts]
Look, in between
all that porn I was watching,
all righty, I did have time
to think to myself.
And, look,
Olivia called me
every single night
after you guys broke up.
I feel like
she wouldn't have done that
if she didn't
actually love you.
I'm not saying
there's a chance.
I'm not saying that,
I'm just saying...
talk to her, man,
like, just talk.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah, like, fuck, look,
I appreciate the fact
that you came here and you--
and you apologized to me
and I love you for it,
but get your ass out of here
and go fucking talk to her.
Leave.
Why are you staring at me for?
Fuckin' go.
[sighs] Fuck.
["Loves Me So"
by State Line Syndicate plays]
And now I'm all shook up
Oh, darling,
can you tell me
Who wrote
the book of love?
At last I got a woman
and I love her so
Dream lover heaven must have
sent you so come on let's go
I wanna give you something
all my loving
You really got me
I can't help myself
With this unchained melody
And God only knows
it's only you in my life
My girl, I wanna hold your
hand now wouldn't it be nice
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
My baby love me so
What's wrong?
Nothing.
[Carly] Come on, tell me.
What is it?
No, really.
I-- I am telling you.
Ever since he and I broke up...
I haven't been sleeping well...
'cause...
when I'm sleeping...
we're still together...
but that was
the best night's sleep I've--
I've had in months.
[chuckling]
[doorbell ringing]
I'll get it.
Hello, kind sir.
My name is Brother Martin
and this is my associate, Kyle.
Howdy, would you happen
to have any goats
in this establishment,
by any chance?
Okay. No, no, no, I thought we
agreed I would do the talking.
You can't just ask straight up
if they have the goat.
Why not? That's why we're here.
-That's what we want.
-I know that's why we're here,
but they're not just gonna
give us a goat straight away.
We gotta say
we're goat food salesmen.
That is so true.
I have plenty of goat food.
Please and thank you.
So you do have a goat?
-He has a goat.
-No.
[Wynston baaing]
[panting]
-[Max exclaims]
-We see you!
[indistinct shouting]
Hello, lover.
Oh, God, no.
Abby, we need to talk.
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!
I figured we can get married
under the aurora borealis,
go honeymooning in Alaska,
and shoot some bears
just to really feel alive.
Okay, Abby, no.
This-- all of this,
everything, needs to stop.
-Please.
-Come on, Drew.
Abby, I cannot
make this more clear.
You need to move on.
Find someone else to terrify.
You scare the shit out of me.
Look,
you're a really pretty girl
and I'm sure you could get
any guy that you want.
You think I'm pretty?
Did you not hear
anything else that I just said?
That I could have
any guy I want and that's you!
No, that's not what I said.
That's exactly what you said.
[chuckles] Getting up now.
You are freakishly strong.
It's my feelings
that are strong, Drew.
I have
pretty strong feelings, too,
but very different ones.
I knew you felt the same way.
-[chuckles] No, I don't.
-[shushing]
[whispering] Can you hear that?
[whispering] What?
The sounds of the rest
of our lives together?
How can you hear that?
That's not a sound.
Wait a minute.
I think I do hear it.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
[speaking normal volume]
Haha, what the fuck?
Can you hear it, Drew?
Can you hear the heartbeat?
Are demon's hearts
in their stomachs?
Not mine. The baby's.
That's funny.
That almost sounded like
you said the baby's.
That's right, Drew.
Our baby.
What sorcery is this?
Oh, Drew.
Mike told me
all about your little trip
to the sperm bank
and the present
you left just for me.
I can feel the seed
growing inside of me.
It's already taken hold.
I can't wait for us
to be a family.
[indistinct] [panting]
Hey, apron man!
Come on, open the door!
[Max exclaims]
I just want to eat your skin.
[panting] Oh, paddlepops.
Those awful Satanists
have come to kill you.
What do we do?
Uh, uh, okay, the police.
-[banging on door]
-[indistinct chatter]
Wait.
No, I can't call the police.
Officer Lee Aaron
will arrest me for speeding,
stealing, lying,
swearing at an officer,
and fleeing from a scene.
You'll feel Satan's hot,
lusty steam.
One minute!
Okay, uh, uh,
Jacob is out
completing his character arc,
uh, Mikey's gone, uh,
Drew and Abby are occupied.
-Uh, who else can we call?
-What's that, Lucifer?
Yeah, you want that goat?
I'll get it. Don't worry.
No. No, I can't.
[Satanist]
Please give it to me.
The wound is still fresh.
No, I still have my pride.
I wanna feel your soul in me.
Okay. For you.
[banging on door]
[Satanist] Let-- let's just--
[indistinct]
[phone buzzing]
Oh, God.
-Well, who is it?
-It's him.
What do I do?
What do you mean, what do I do?
Well, do I answer it?
What do I do?
Don't rope me into this please.
Too late.
You're roped. Help me.
Okay, Skye, simple question.
Do you want to answer it?
[phone buzzing]
Oh, that bitch!
First she breaks my heart
and now she won't help my goat?
[banging on door]
I guess
it's up to you and me, buddy.
[Satanist] I just wanna spill
your blood all over me.
-Give me the little cute goat.
-[smooch]
I just want it so bad.
["How's It Going to Be"
by Third Eye Blind plays]
-Jacob.
-Olivia, don't say anything.
I never stopped
thinking about you.
When I ended things I was--
I thought I was
doing the right thing...
but I was so hung up
on doing the right thing
that I never thought about
doing what felt right.
And it never felt right
not being with you.
I was such a coward for not
admitting that to myself.
Jacob, I--
[fan] It's Tyler!
This fucking guy?
-Tyler.
-[Jacob] Look, Olivia.
You're smarter than this, okay?
Even back then
you tried to tell me
what I was doing was wrong.
What we had,
people go their entire lives
looking for and don't find,
and if you have that with him,
just let me know right now
and I'll let it go.
I'll let you go.
-Jacob.
-No, Olivia...
Maybe this might
change your mind.
Want to get
myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
-I love you.
-[smack]
[thud]
Oh, ow, what the fuck?
Dude, step off.
She's in a relationship.
What is your damage,
little boy?
You didn't even wait for her
to say yes or not.
It's called
a microaggression, brother.
-Olivia, I--
-[Tyler] Look, buddy,
I know you're probably
going through some crippling
emotional existential crisis
right now,
but that
doesn't give you the right
to go around kissing girls
when they give you
no indication
that they even wanted it.
If you'll excuse me...
I have to go
finish baking some cookies.
For the orphans...
who are moving
into the orphanage...
that I just built.
Jacob, what are you doing?
I don't know.
I just thought...
that if there was a chance
that you still loved me,
I had to take it.
Sorry, Jacob.
Why the long face, friend?
You know, a problem shared
is a problem halved.
You know, I really tried
to make things right today.
For the both of us.
What me and Olivia had...
look, I'm not stupid.
I know that eventually
I'll get over her...
maybe even find someone else.
One day I'm gonna wake up
and I'm not gonna feel
the same way about her.
But that's what I'm afraid of.
I don't want to let go of her.
I want to hold on to her
for as long as I can...
even if it's just
in my head and my heart.
You know, I was in love
with a girl once. [sighs]
Yeah, it didn't work out.
[sighs]
And it really felt like
the pain would never end.
[string melody plays]
Hi.
Hi.
Mind if I sit down?
Sure.
Jacob.
Skye.
Are you...
here with anyone?
I couldn't help
but notice the classic
heart to heart
with the bartender.
No, no.
Hence why I'm drinking
at 11:30 in the morning.
[Skye chuckles] Rough day, huh?
Well, I don't know
if you can tell,
but I actually
have a black eye.
Oh, yeah.
How'd that happen?
I made the egregious error
of offending...
a pretty good guy.
Well, he can't be that great
if he punched you in the face.
Well, he was baking cookies
for orphans
when he did it, so...
This story is making me
feel very conflicted.
Conflicted? [chuckles]
You want conflicted,
talk to this guy.
-[Skye chuckles]
-Conflict city.
-[both chuckle]
-Well, I--
I think I have you beat.
I recently
broke up with someone.
Okay, okay,
even playing field so far.
Well, much to the dismay
of my parents
and literally everyone
who knew us...
because really he--
he's such a nice guy.
Like, absurdly pleasant.
Yeah, yeah,
I-- I think I know the type.
Yeah, well, the feeling...
the feeling
just wasn't there...
after four years.
It took me four years to admit
I wasn't happy
with this perfect guy...
and it made me wonder,
you know...
what's wrong with me?
Maybe you just
weren't right for each other,
I mean, doesn't mean there's
anything wrong with you.
Yeah, tell that to my parents.
Look, you seem okay to me.
Yeah.
Maybe not wrong.
But different.
I'm...
I'm not the same person
I thought I was...
or who my parents hoped I was.
It's taken me
a long time to admit that.
Well, you know, sometimes
in life you just gotta
roll with the punches,
you know? [chuckles]
-[Jacob grunts]
-[Skye chuckles]
That was atrocious.
I'm glad you find my mental
-and physical pain hilarious.
-[Skye chuckles]
So, you think you have me beat?
Well, I mean, look,
you seem pretty content so far
and I'm not, so.
Clearly.
Hence the drinking at 11:30.
Ugh, well, you see
that's the only thing
that lets me feel.
Aw.
You sound like me
maybe, 12 hours ago?
Does that mean that
I'm gonna be okay in 12 hours?
That you don't believe in
I guess that depends
who you spend it with.
Yeah, well,
I mean, maybe we could--
What are you doing?
It looked like it
was going really well.
It was.
So what's the problem?
He's not you.
I've never been so alive
And there's
this burning, ah
There is this burning
Hey, hey, hey
This is all I wanna know
New York's evil,
the surface is everything
But I could never do that
Someone would
see through that
And this is the last time
We'll be friends again
And I'll get over you
You are not who I am
And there's this burning
Just like
there's always been
[suspenseful music plays]
And I, and I
I've never been so alive
So alive
I go home to the ghost
it starts to rain
But I'm out alone
on the water, alone
Taste the salt
and taste the pain
I'm not thinking
of you again
Oh, hey, guys. Are we leaving?
Uh, yeah.
Are you-- are you coming?
Uh, yeah, uh, just finishing up
some gardening.
All right, okay. Cool.
Get in.
Yeah.
In-- get in the car.
Whities in the back, fam!
I'd punch you both,
but that would be a hate crime.
Budge up, budge up.
Hi, daddy.
Jacob.
-Jacob.
-I'm driving.
Mike.
-Mike.
-Can't hear you, fam. [shouts]
["Missed Calls"
by Handguns plays]
I pack my bags
you dry your eyes
It doesn't get
much easier to say goodbye
I never call
can't get this right
Always the same thing
every time
So here's a song
for all of the times
I never called
but you were on my mind
I hope you know
I hope you know
When I'm out
on the open road
I count the days
'til I get home
So we can be alone
I've seen the mountains
next to tall palm trees
But they don't compare
with what you mean to me
You drop me off
before the door
Tell her
I can't do this anymore
I kiss your head
I'm out the door
I promise
I'm worth waiting for
I won't forget
to charge my phone this time
As long as you stay
on the other line
I hope you know
I hope you know
When I'm out
on the open road
I count the days
'til I get home
So we can be alone
["There's Something about Mary
Jane" by The Skategoats plays]
Take it all if you want it
Take it all
if you need it so
Take it all if you want it
Take it all
if you need it so bad
She said that
I need to find a job
Quit being such a slob
And do the goddamn dishes
She said that I
can't do much about
This girl named Mary Jane
That lives in her basement
So just take it all
if you want it
Take it all
if you need it so
Take it all if you want it
Take it all
if you need it so bad
She said that
I should throw out my guitar
And quit my dreams
of being a rockstar
She said that
I spend way too much time
Out with my friends
getting drunk
Staying out 'til 3:00 a.m.
She said that I need to
get out [indistinct lyrics]
But if I got
out [indistinct lyrics]
How could
I buy her anything?
She said that
I need to wait until
I've done my chores
then I can start
Popping pills
So take it all
if you want it
Take it all
if you need it so
Take it all if you want it
Take it all
if you need it so bad
She said that
I need to change
She said that
I need to change
She said that
I need to change
Or she'll take
my weed away
[man] But Mom!
I don't wanna
I don't wanna change
I don't wanna change
I don't wanna change
[music ends]