The End of Sex (2022) Movie Script

[suspenseful music]
[Dawn] Mommy?
What's on your face, Dawn?
Makeup.
I wanna look nice
for the first day.
[Grace] Dad?
[Josh] Yeah.
I made sandwiches for the bus.
Do you think I put
too much ketchup?
What?
No.
There's no such thing
as too much ketchup,
you know that.
[smoke detector beeping]
Smoke alarm!
Yay, waffles are ready!
[lively music]
We could keep 'em
with us for the week.
I mean, we, we
lose the money, but...
[smoke alarm beeping]
We can't have this
conversation again
'cause the bus is
coming in an hour.
Just a week.
Camp is good, remember?
Camp is, camp is good.
Camp is good.
Camp is good.
[lively music continues]
And you got some t-shirts?
Yeah, in here.
Okay, okay.
Good, good, good.
Yes.
Yes.
You got everything.
I have everything.
I already checked.
Okay, I know.
You're doing great.
Undies?
Undies?
I'm wearing 'em.
- [Emma] Grace?
- What?
Serious, what?
What, only taking one pair?
Duh.
I only have one butt.
Honey, you're eight.
[Grace] Yeah, but 14%
of girls get their periods
by the age of 10.
Zip.
What is in here?
Well, not that much.
[lively music continues]
And the youngest recorded case
of a girl giving birth
was a five-year-old.
Wait, I'm not done talking.
- [Emma] Okay.
- In Peru in 1938.
Let's just take the
whole box then.
[box rustling]
And, girls, it is totally normal
to feel homesick at camp.
Okay?
So when you're away from
your family, it can be hard.
So look,
if you get that
feeling in your chest
and it kind of overwhelms you,
it's fine.
Just take a moment and
you think of a happy memory,
something that we all
did together as a family.
And when that
happens, you'll feel better.
Are, are you crying?
No, I'm not. [chuckles]
Of course I am not crying.
I'm a grownup, I'm not...
It's okay to cry, though.
Just so you know,
crying is totally fine.
[Grace] Good, uh, pep talk.
Thanks.
[lively music continues]
Don't worry.
You're not there
for long, right?
Hey, it's only seven days.
What's seven days, right?
Seven days is nothing.
We have seven gnomes.
Seven gnomes for seven days.
We'll count down
the days per gnome.
Don't worry, it's
gonna go by quick.
Okay?
Take care of Daddy.
[Dawn] This is the camp
where you met Mommy.
I love you so much. [Josh]
Yeah, a long time ago.
Maybe we'll meet
our husband there too.
You'll meet your
husbands there, okay?
You're gonna meet your husbands.
You won't have the same
husband, that's, that's illegal.
Muah, okay. I love you so much.
- I love you.
- Bye.
Goodbye, you guys.
- I love you so much.
- I love you.
I'm gonna think about you
every second of the day.
I'll you see you in
a very short week.
Fly right by.
Oh God.
[Emma sighs]
Okay.
[both sigh]
It's uh...
Camp is good. Camp is good.
Camp is good. Camp is good.
You know, it's not too late
for me to throw my body
in front of the moving bus
and stop this
craziness right now.
[Emma speaks faintly]
[Emma] It's good for
them. [bus engine revs]
We done good.
[lively music continues]
[Emma sighs]
[Josh exhales sharply]
So what do we do now?
I literally have no idea.
I mean, we could drive
to the gymnastics studio
and just sit in the
parents' waiting area.
Yeah. I don't know.
As comforting as that sounds-
Ooh, we could go for brunch.
We used to like brunch.
Yeah, bru, the bru...
Definitely.
Ooh, we could go see a matinee.
Yeah. Yeah.
When was the last time
we went to see a matinee?
Do they still have matinees?
- Is that still even a thing?
- I don't...
Probably not.
[Emma sighs]
We could make some sex.
Oh yeah.
- Let's totally make some sex.
- We're gonna make some sex.
[box rustles]
Ha-ha! Found 'em.
[Emma] Wait! Hold on!
Whoa.
[Emma] We don't
have to close the door.
We can be as loud as we want.
[Josh] Yeah.
[Emma chuckles]
[Emma] I am going to be so loud.
[techno music]
[bell dings]
- Ow, sorry.
- Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
- No.
- You used to like when I,
when I had the extra finger in-
No, no.
No, I do, I do. [mumbling]
- Okay.
- Totally, totally.
[techno music continues]
You good?
Yeah.
[Emma breathing heavily]
[bell dings]
[techno music continues]
[Emma] Oh, sorry.
- Too much teeth?
- No, no, no, no, no.
[bell dings]
I just...
My foot was, was asleep.
I'm good.
[techno music continues]
[Emma] Do you wanna just?
[techno music continues]
[Emma and Josh moaning]
Oh my God.
Oh my God, I think...
I think I'm coming.
[bell dings]
[Josh] Oh, me too.
I'm coming right inside you.
[bell dings]
Ah.
[birds chirping]
[text booms]
[background chatter]
[Wendy gasps]
[Wendy] Testicles.
[Emma] Yep, they're balls.
It's the least attractive
part of the male anatomy.
Yeah, and that's saying a lot.
I think this is the longest
I've ever stared
at a pair of these.
You know, I'm
very uncomfortable.
[Marlon] Emma?
Emma Michaels?
Oh God. Marlon.
- Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
I can't believe it's
Emma Michaels.
Oh my...
I had, like, the biggest
crush on you in art school.
Wow.
Well, you still have that thing
where you just say things.
What?
Without a filter.
No, I don't.
- I didn't do that, did I?
- Yeah, you just did.
You just did it when you
said you had a crush on me.
On no, it was a major crush.
I kept a journal about it.
You just did it again.
Well, no, I had photos
in a special binder.
How the hell are you?
I'm, I'm good.
I'm fine.
- I'm great.
- Yeah?
Married? Kids?
All of the above.
Yeah, I married Josh, actually.
Oh my God.
You married your
boyfriend from camp.
Wow, that's so adorable.
Uh, I mean, we, we broke
up on and off, you know,
and played the field
before we settled down.
And now, you know, we
have two beautiful little girls.
Let me show you their Halloween-
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That's okay. No.
People without kids are
always pretending they care
to see photos of
other people's kids,
but really we're
just being polite.
[Emma laughs]
Ah, no, no filter.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
So, is this your gallery?
Oh yeah. It's all mine.
Um, yeah,
I finally realized that
I was far better suited
to appreciate the work of others
than to produce anything
of value myself, um,
like these bad boys right here.
What do you think
of these testicles?
[Wendy hissing]
Like.
Really?
No.
Emma, what do you think?
Honestly?
Yeah.
I mean, [scoffs]
no one really wants
to look at balls.
[Emma clicks teeth]
[Wendy groans]
Oh my God.
You're right.
Balls are totally gross.
Jacques.
Yeah, can you, can
you take this one down?
- No.
- And, uh,
- and, and those two.
- You don't-
And, uh...
Yeah, and, and
that one over there.
You're kidding.
No, my apologies
I...
Oh my God, you're crazy.
Oh my God.
[Emma laughing]
Oh my God.
Sorry.
Wendy.
My name is Wendy.
Oh my gosh.
I'm so sorry.
Um, Wendy, this is Marlon.
We went to art school together.
Yeah, I got that.
Wendy and I are teaching
this winter break art camp
for at-risk youth just at the
rec center down the street.
The kids are amazing.
Uh, this one girl, Aisha,
has more talent at 15
than I, like, ever had.
She, like, blows
my mind every day.
Wow. Well, I would love
to come and see her work.
Yeah, you should.
You could come by anytime.
And that would give me
an excuse to come see you.
I can't believe you're married.
I mean, I used to fantasize
about having a
bubble bath with you.
Oh, that's very specific.
Well, not naked, though.
I mean you were, you
were wearing a green bikini.
Always green for some reason.
You're doing it again.
Oh, right.
- Sorry.
- Oh no.
Yes?
[door slams]
[pensive music]
[gnome clinks]
Yeah.
I don't know, it
seems a little, um,
unnecessarily sexualized.
No?
How so?
Um, well,
you can pretty much
see her nipple there.
And she's fellating a banana.
And your problem with this is?
Well it's, it's an
ad for, for fruit.
Yeah, this is what
the client wants.
Okay.
Have we tried to, like,
gently steer the client
in another direction?
Yeah, we're gonna stick
with a general approach
of giving the client
what they want.
Okay?
Yeah, you're the
packaging editor, Josh.
Just focus on
editing the package.
Okay.
[indistinct chatter]
- [Kelly] Hey.
- Hi.
[Kelly] Good meeting?
[Josh sighs]
[Josh] Everybody here hates me.
Not me.
I find you amusing.
Kelly, what do you think
of that ad right there?
Uh, that reminds
me of Gary's penis.
What, Gary, that's
the married guy?
- [Kelly] Mm-hmm.
- And, and,
and his penis
looks like a banana?
Yeah, like that one.
The one on the right.
So,
how often would you say
you and are having an orgasm:
A, once a day; B, twice a day;
C, three times a day;
or D, you are constantly
in an orgasmic fog?
Uh, oral counts and anal counts.
Well, anal definitely counts.
So don't spare any
details, I'm not squeamish.
Wait, tho, tho, those
are the options?
I mean, the, the minimum
in there is, is, is once a day?
Yeah.
Why?
Nothing.
It's just, you know,
when you're
married for 10 years-
Uh, "When you're ma..."
No, see, this is exactly what
I've been trying to tell you.
This monogamy is just
created by a patriarchal society
that totally suppresses
any sexual promiscuity.
It is bullshit.
So what?
Like once, uh, a week?
Yeah. I mean, that
sounds about right.
- Yeah.
- Are you kidding?
- What?
- Dude?
I was kidding.
You ha, you have
sex once a week?
Why are you suddenly
so interested in my sex life?
Oh, don't be such a narcissist.
I'm interested in
everybody's sex life,
especially married people.
- Okay.
- Wait.
So this is, this is
research for your,
for your affair
with Gary, is it?
[phone ringing]
Forget it.
I'm gonna figure it out myself.
Oh my God.
What do these
people want from me?
Hello.
Kelly speaking.
Oh no-[speaking faintly]
[whimsical music]
[Josh scoffs]
[papers rustle]
[whimsical music continues]
[note beeps]
[note beeps]
[note beeps]
[note beeps]
[note beeps]
[whimsical music continues]
So you've gone back to
layering color over text?
But this time some
of the text is illegible.
That's interesting
choices, Aisha.
Thanks.
So of all your work,
is there one that you'd
like to try and finish?
Uh, no, thanks.
No.
Then they'd just be
closed.
They'd be, like,
dead.
[Student] Mm-hmm.
[alarm ringing]
Okay. That's it for today.
I'll see you tomorrow.
[Wendy] Everyone, grab
your folders on the way out.
Aisha, this is great work.
This is really special.
No one else seems to think so.
Do you care what they think?
Trust me, they're jealous.
[indistinct chatter]
Marlon?
What are you doing here?
You invited me to see
your students' work.
And I came,
even though the
term at-risk youth
makes me very uncomfortable.
Okay. Well, um, you're
safe 'cause they're all gone.
[Wendy clears throat]
I'm just gonna get my
stuff from the staff room.
[Wendy clears throat]
Whoa.
What have we here?
Oh, that's Aisha.
That's the student I
was telling you about.
Well, you weren't kidding.
These are, these are terrific.
I love the half
finished aesthetic.
I know, right?
She's amazing.
You're amazing.
[Emma chuckles]
That was weird.
Yeah.
No, this, this
whole thing's weird.
I, it's weird that I
came down here.
I, I should really get
back to the gallery.
You, you should come
see me there sometime.
It wouldn't be as-
- Weird.
- Yeah.
Um, yeah.
I, I'll come sometime
just stop by.
- Okay.
- Okay.
[Emma chuckling]
What?
Great.
Okay, I should leave
'cause I have an erection.
Oh, okay.
But don't worry, it might
not be from the hug.
It, it, it could be from seeing
your student's great work
It's probably a little of both,
but mostly from the hug.
Bye.
[door slams]
[techno music]
- [object clattering]
- [Emma moaning]
I have judo in 20 minutes.
What?
What are you thinking about?
Not on the list.
Well, it's not.
Every time you call me a
little bitch it loses impact.
I don't even hear it anymore.
It literally has
no effect on me.
Oh yeah?
How about fucktard?
Is that better?
Or, or what about OCD,
control freak, asshole, shit tits?
Oh my God.
You do know I can smell
your breath from here, right?
What did you eat today?
Was it somebody ass?
Did you eat someone's
ass for lunch?
Goddamn!
[Janice] Hey, Josh.
- Oh my gosh.
- What?
- It's Andrew and Janice.
- Hey, guys.
You wanna finish your
thought for Josh and Emma?
You were saying something
about my, uh, shit tits.
[Emma] Um, we're good.
Yeah, no, I think we're,
I think we're okay.
Uh, so, guys, how,
how's it, how's it going?
We're separating.
Janice is moving out tomorrow.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, so, wh, why-
Why are we separating?
Oh, where to begin?
Well, you could
start with the lies.
Mm.
I was gonna lead with the fact
that you haven't
touched me in two years.
Yeah, and why, why
would I touch you?
All you do is tell lies.
I was,
I was just gonna ask why
you guys are shopping together
if you, if you're
moving out tomorrow.
[Emma chuckles]
That's a great fucking question.
- [bag thuds]
- [kernels rattling]
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm o, I'm okay.
The kids are devastated.
And, um,
we're probably gonna
have to sell the house,
and I'm gonna die alone.
[worker] Clean up in Aisle 6.
[Emma] They just, they
seemed like the best couple.
I, I know.
I know.
It's like,
I guess things just turn
on a dime so quickly.
One day they've got that
honeymoon glow and the next day-
Why did you lie about
ejaculating the other day?
I don't know.
Do we lie to each other?
No, we don't lie to each other.
We're us, all right?
I mean, I, I, I...
I mean, I, I, I, I don't.
Why, do you, do, do you lie?
[Emma scoffs]
Uh, I mean,
I sort of faked my orgasm too.
What?
You, you, you, what?
Oh, come on,
it's totally normal for
a woman to fake it.
For a guy, that's fucked up.
That's not...
No, that's, that's like
reverse sexism or something.
That is a double standard.
-And I'm not just gonna
stand- -Oh, now I think
you're avoiding the question.
Wow.
[both sighs]
Look, we love each other, right?
We're great parents together.
We make a great team.
It's just married
life, you know?
I mean, the sex becomes
less important, I guess.
Yeah, but don't
you think it's weird
we don't talk about it?
Ugh.
I don't, I don't, I don't know.
I don't know.
It's a can of worms.
I mean, it's like that mango
chicken stir fry you make.
How exactly?
Ugh.
Well, you know,
I don't love it, um,
but I eat it and I
don't make a fuss
'cause that's just
part of the deal.
[toy clatters]
Maybe if I added cashews?
Let's not overreact, okay?
We're not Andrew and Janice.
We, we can figure this out.
We've had many
years of sex, great sex.
We know how to bang, right?
Yeah, that's never been
a problem for us, right?
I mean, you know, it's not
like we haven't sown our oats.
You know, I had sex with a
reasonable amount of women.
Oh yeah. I know, I know.
You don't have to
go through the list.
I've had my fun too.
I had, I had my slutty year.
Yeah, can you...
We talked about
you not calling it that.
Can we not?
Okay, everything I've ever read,
the main complaint about sex
is that one person thinks
of it more than the other.
Okay. Well, then that's
not our problem, right?
Because we, we have a
shared disinterest in sex,
like a, like a mutual apathy.
Yeah.
Just...
But then... [groans]
[Josh] What?
What? What?
I don't know.
I...
It's just... [sighs]
This is probably nothing.
It's just these past few days
I've been thinking
a lot about sex.
Hey, that's cool.
I get it.
I mean, well, I've
been working out more.
I've been, uh, I've been
watching what I eat, you know?
It's sort of...
It's really it's about
portion control, mostly
I'm...
Oh shit, you...
You've been, you,
you've been thinking
about having sex
with people who aren't me.
[Emma sighs]
It's just we have this one week,
this one week to...
We could fuck in
every room in the house
without the kids barging in,
but we're just... [whimpers]
We're not.
Okay. All right.
Look,
[whimsical music]
we got time, right?
Let's not...
We got, like, five
more days, right?
Yes.
I wanna fix this.
Let's fix this.
Okay. All right.
So, like, what are we thinking?
Like maybe like, like
an orgy with like, uh-
Butter.
Like a vat of butter.
Oh, now I want butter.
Hmm.
Or I could get like a,
that enlargement
surgery for my penis,
- for my little tiny penis.
- Can you please stop?
Don't, please.
Hey, hey.
[whimsical music continues]
Whatever it takes.
I mean, this isn't
rocket science.
We, our sex has
become mechanical.
It's just, it's just
unsurprising.
Okay.
So let's surprise each other.
[mellow music]
[gnome clinks]
[Wendy] I'm just not the right
person to be giving sex advice.
I'm a serial monogamous.
Well, wasn't Tom
into some weird stuff?
Didn't you tell me
he was into like-
Furries, furries.
The giant animal costumes
that are used as mascots.
So, okay.
So you would dress up
in the mascot costume
- and have sex?
- No, God, no.
No, no.
He was curious and he, you know,
found some websites.
I think that's
as far as it went.
I just wanna do
something, like, surprising,
something he would never expect,
something,
I don't know, like,
adventurous,
a little freaky but sexy, fun,
like, I don't know,
like, like a sex swing.
That's a thing, right?
A sex swing?
I, I mean, I've never done
anything like that, that's...
Or I don't know, like, um-
Like a, like a threesome.
A threesome?
Maybe or not.
No, no, nevermind.
- Forget about that.
- No, no, no, no, no.
It's a good idea.
I've just, um...
I don't know if we could
actually go through with that.
Uh, 'cause who would...
Like, Marlon?
No, obviously not Marlon.
That would be a
terrible idea, Em.
Yeah.
A girl would make
more sense, probably.
Marlon?
You sure jumped to
Marlon pretty quickly.
Are you thinking-
What?
Wait.
Okay. We trust each
other, so we have that.
We're friends.
Whoa.
I wasn't...
Oh, oh gosh.
Shit. [laughs]
Oh shit. No.
- I am, I am so sorry.
- I am so...
No, no. Don't silly, no.
I just, I just-
I mean, no.
I just mean theoretically,
hypothetically speaking,
you would be the
perfect candidate if that...
-Well, just, I mean- -Yeah, why?
Because with another girl
it would, it could be weird.
It, at least I know with you,
Josh is totally not your type.
No, I suppose that's,
that's a good point.
And, uh, like,
it's been a little while since
you've been with Tom, right?
Yeah, yeah.
I have been a
little lonely, I guess.
And you've been
with guys, you've...
- Girls.
- Yeah.
Just not at the same time.
- Oh.
- [Wendy] Yeah.
Forget it. I was joking.
But it could be fine.
[whimsical music]
- I mean, it's crazy.
- I mean, uh,
- it's totally crazy.
- [Wendy] Yeah.
[Emma] Totally crazy.
But
not completely, like,
stupid or gross or..
- You know?
- Are we doing this?
- Are we?
- I don't know.
- [Emma] Okay.
- Are we?
I don't know.
I mean...
Okay, how about this?
[both giggling]
Okay.
Uh, come over for dinner.
Yes.
- Tonight.
- [Wendy] Okay.
Just dinner, like,
no expectations,
and we'll see what-
Happens.
Hey?
Yeah.
[Emma] Yeah.
Nope, no way.
- I can't do it.
- Oh my God.
Can you relax?
She might not even be into it.
We left it open.
Wait, you what?
No, that, that's, that's worse.
What, I gotta try and
like read her signs or s...
I, I'm not gonna have
a clue what's going on.
Oh my God.
I think I might have diarrhea.
Do you feel like
you have diarrhea?
No!
I thought this was like
every man's fantasy.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
In, in theory.
Oh my gosh.
I, I should be getting
a medal for this.
This is like me being the
best wife on the planet.
Sorry. It's just, it's,
it's too much pressure.
Okay.
Well, you don't
have to worry about it
because it's just dinner.
She's probably
come to her senses.
[doorbell rings]
[Josh gasps]
[Josh] Oh.
[gentle music]
Do you have to go to the bathroo
[Josh] I'm Good.
[Emma] Are you
gonna stand like that?
I'm good.
[door squeaks]
[Wendy] Hi.
[Emma] Oh, thank you.
Can I take your coat?
[Wendy] Oh, um, can I
leave that on for now?
[Emma] Oh yeah,
it's kind of cold.
Oh my gosh. Your
hair looks so good.
[Wendy] I worked hard on it.
- Hi. Oh.
- Look at this.
Thank you so much.
- I love wine.
- So nice.
So, Wendy, what's up?
What's up?
Just, just, just
nervous. [chuckles]
- Yeah.
- Just really nervous.
I feel like I might have-
Diarrhea, right?
[Wendy chuckles]
Put on too much makeup
is what I was gonna say.
- No.
- No.
- [Wendy] No?
- No.
- [Wendy] Okay.
- Your eyes look amazing.
- [Wendy] Oh.
- Your skin.
You look so pretty.
Thanks.
Um, so-
Um, Emma,
I should say something in
the spirit of full disclosure.
Um...
When we first
met, I... [chuckles]
Oh my goodness.
I'm so scared of
what this might be.
Oh, it's nothing, it's
nothing, it's nothing.
Okay.
I just...
When we first
met, I kind of had a,
a crush on you,
- a little.
- Oh my gosh.
I mean, come on,
who wouldn't?
You're so confident
and funny
and sexy.
Wow.
Oh my goodness.
Thank you.
I mean, you're sexy too.
Huh.
I, I know we said we weren't
gonna have any expectations
about tonight.
- Yeah, we did.
- Yeah, so...
But I really, really
wanna fuck you.
Get her coat.
Okay, I'm gonna take your coat.
Thanks.
[dance music]
Let's get this off.
There you go.
[dance music continues]
[panting]
Oh my God.
[dance music continues]
[Emma moaning]
You smell so good.
It's my moisturizer.
[breathing heavily]
It's from Costco.
[Wendy moaning]
Emma, you're the most
beautiful woman I've ever seen.
[dance music continues]
Josh is cute too, right?
- Emma?
- Hmm?
Do I have consent
to go down on you?
Oh, yes.
Yes?
Mm-hmm.
[dance music continues]
[Emma] Oh, gosh.
[Wendy moaning]
[dance music continues]
[Wendy] No!
Okay.
So...
So I'm, I'm just gonna
hang back a little bit here
and, uh, you,
you just let me know when
would a good time would be.
[dance music continues]
[Emma moaning]
Oh my God, I'm coming,
I'm coming, coming, coming.
No, no, no.
[birds chirping]
I like the way you
I don't know what happened.
She, she just
got really intense.
Yeah, super intense.
Ah, I knew this was a bad idea.
You knew it was a bad idea?
What, is it my fault?
It's not my fault.
No, no, no, no.
Of course not. No.
Well, I mean, it seemed like it,
it was promising
at the beginning.
It seemed like, you know,
something was happening.
It seemed like you were into it.
Well, y...
No, I mean, yeah, I wa, I was.
I, I mean, 'cause, you
know, it was exciting.
It was new, right?
It was, it was, she was
very attractive and it was-
Yeah, she came to
the house in lingerie.
- Of course she's attractive.
- I know. I know.
Okay.
So...
[door closes]
So, so what do we do now?
Try something else.
Just you do this
surprising this time.
Okay.
Okay.
[Wendy chuckles]
Morning, lovely.
[Emma] Morning.
[Josh chuckles]
[Emma chuckles]
[dramatic music]
[keys clinking]
[snow crunches]
[gnome clinks]
[Josh] What's the
craziest thing, sexually,
that you've ever done?
Craziest thing I ever did?
[Josh] Yeah.
I fucked a dead girl once.
Oh my God. Really?
No, but I would if
she was super hot.
You know what? Forget it.
I'm sorry I asked.
Oh and I went to a
swingers' party one time.
Everyone was having
sex everywhere.
Yeah, it was dirty.
Sexy, though.
Skeevy.
Nasty.
- [horn honks]
- [siren wailing]
[Emma] Nasty Lounge?
Yeah.
It's clever, right?
I think it's, it's like
tongue in cheek.
It's gross.
This whole thing is gross.
Ugh.
Is there really nowhere else
- we could go?
- Babe, babe,
it's not like going for dim sum.
Okay? There's not
a lot of choice here.
There's one sex club.
This is it.
Come on, let's go.
This will be fun.
[door slams]
[Emma groans]
So you, uh, you
don't have like a daily,
like a guest pass available?
Okay.
Okay then.
I guess, um, two one
year memberships.
Okay.
That'll be $300 each,
plus a one-time
initiation fee of $50.
Oh, and there's a mandatory
$27 coat-check fee charge,
and, of course,
- the cover charge.
- You know what?
I, I, I don't need to know.
Just, uh, run, run that.
What, whatever you need.
It's fine.
[upbeat dance music]
[upbeat rock music]
Could be worse.
Yeah. No, no, no.
I think, uh, I think
this looks promising.
- [faint rock music]
- [signs buzzing]
Ex, excuse me.
Oh.
Oh.
Hi.
Uh, we're very flattered, um,
but we're, we're not interested.
It's not, it's not you guys.
We'd like some cheese.
- Yeah, of course.
- Of course.
Help, help yourself.
He just wanted some cheese.
Oh my God.
- Okay.
- Maybe we should-
No, no.
So what are you two beautiful
people drinking tonight?
- My God.
- Finally.
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi. Sorry.
Thank you for breaking the ice.
We're a little nervous.
[Emma] It's our first time.
You've never ordered
a drink before?
Don't worry, we
could take it slow.
Ha. Thank you.
I'll have a tomato
juice, please.
Yeah, me too.
Cool.
Here's a tip.
Um, find the red curtain
for the higher end members.
I think you might get in.
- Thank you.
- The red...
- A red curtain.
- Red curtain.
[faint rock music]
[Emma] I think that
looks like a red curtain.
That's definitely red curtain.
Higher end.
Should we tell her to bring
the tomato juice in there?
Is that...
I mean, I'd feel bad
if we run into her later
and she's been
carrying it around night.
[Emma] She knows we're high end.
What would we say to her?
Uh, tell her, sorry,
"Our marriage is failing
and the only way to save
it is to rekindle our sex life
by getting our tomato
juice in the high end room."
[woman moaning]
[upbeat dance music]
- Oh, my God.
- Where?
[upbeat dance music]
That's, hey.
[laughing]
[indistinct shouting]
[Arthur] The important thing
is to remember to have fun.
Do you hear that voice?
- [Arthur] She's over there.
- [Emma] It's so familiar.
[Arthur] All ready for you.
There you go.
Just take your time.
Have fun.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
We need to go now.
- What?
- We need to leave now.
Why?
Because-
[Arthur] Emma?
[Emma] No.
I-
No.
I, I didn't see your name
on any of the newsletters.
Hey, Arthur.
- Hey, Josh.
- Hi.
Hey, have you
heard from the girls?
Are they, are they
having fun at camp?
Nope, we haven't heard a peep.
But you know what they say.
When they're at camp,
no news is good news.
Yeah, yeah.
Um, are they taking
the bus home or are,
are you gonna pick them up?
You know, I think picking
up is probably the best.
It's part of the experience.
-Dad! What- -Trust me.
I am way more
embarrassed than you are.
What makes you assume that?
Well, for one thing,
this isn't real leather 'cause
you know how it s, stains.
It's really hard to...
So, um, I had to
use vinyl and it, uh,
just doesn't work
with my, uh, character.
Does Mom know?
- Oh, oh God.
- Does she?
Arthur, Arthur, hey, this
is none of our business.
Okay, we're, we're not,
we're not gonna say a word to,
to Marge.
We promise.
Oh go ahead.
She's right over there.
[upbeat dance music]
Oh my God.
This is not happening.
This is not happening.
Well, I g, I guess
now you know, um,
what we were doing when
we said we were playing Bridge
with the Wassermans.
To tell you the truth,
we haven't actually
seen them since the '80s.
Oh my God. Dad!
Why are you acting so casual?
Is this not the most mortifying
experience of your life?
[upbeat dance music continues]
I've had worse.
- Worse?
- [Arthur] Yeah.
I don't know how we're
ever gonna talk again.
What, am I gonna come
over and bring the kids
and have lunch?
- [Arthur] What?
This is it. This is...
We have to part ways.
Just hang on there,
Judgey Judgerton.
You've seen me
naked millions of times.
Not since I was six.
Emma, can we please talk?
Please, please? Huh?
Please, please.
Hi.
Oh my God, Wendy,
-what are you- -I
have not stopped
thinking about last night.
Okay, I don't know
- what you think happened.
- The fuck?
But something happened and
we need to talk about it alone,
- just you and me.
- [Tom] Wendy,
what's going on with you?
What are you doing here?
It's a Giraffe.
Don't, don't be Tom.
Don't be Tom.
Tom!
Are you serious that
you followed me here?
That isn't a...
That is a blatant
violation of privacy.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Didn't you follow
us here, Wendy?
I followed Emma.
I'm sorry.
Is this your new girlfriend?
The one who stole
you away from me?
- Oh wait. Time out.
- [Tom] She doesn't even
- have a penis.
- I didn't steal anyone.
I'm not her girlfriend.
We broke up weeks ago.
And I told you I'm free to
fornicate with whomever I choose.
Okay, wait.
This is the guy?
-Don't put your
finger- -This the one
you had a threesome with?
Whoa! No!
Excuse me.
We didn't even touch
each other, that...
I swear to God, that was not...
You watched?
I'm gonna use my
thumbs to crush your eyes
into their sockets!
No!
You back away from her.
Bubbles.
[Tom groans]
Oh my God.
Go, get out of here.
Go, go.
Emma?
[Emma gasps]
[upbeat dance music]
[Josh sighs]
[Emma] What was that?
[Josh] Oh, no, that
was, that was crazy.
[Emma] That was my Dad!
Yeah, I know. I know.
Did you pick up on
what he was saying
about us going up to camp
on Sunday to pick up the girls?
He's planning a surprise
anniversary party for us.
- I know he is.
- [Emma] Josh-
I know he is.
We had issues before,
but I don't know how
we're gonna process this.
Your Dad? No.
Listen, it's...
I think it's good.
Your mom and dad
have an active sex life
- after all these years.
- And what have we done to Wendy?
We didn't...
Wait, that's...
Is that our fault?
I mean, she was a
relatively normal person
before last night.
I just know before we
ran into your parents,
I think things were,
were going okay, right?
There was stuff happening there.
Don't, don't you see?
Our plans keep getting
messed up by external forces.
Last night it was Wendy,
tonight it was your dad.
We need something
that's just us.
Yes. Yes.
- Something private, right?
- Yeah.
Like, intimate.
Yeah.
[Emma] Maybe we
should do ecstasy.
[Josh chuckles]
Yeah.
Right.
'Cause I'm so
great with the drugs.
You know, I get all
in my head and I...
it messes with me.
And there was the time
when we took the mushrooms
when we were camping
at Rolling River and I,
I got poison Ivy on my butt.
Yeah, because you
took off all your clothes
and you ran through
the forest naked.
It was very freeing.
[Emma] Well, I
don't wanna be free.
I don't ever wanna
leave the house again
after what I saw tonight.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay. Let's, let's
try the ecstasy.
[faint upbeat dance music]
Do you know where
to get the ecstasy?
Like, where do you even-
Like, at rave parties?
Let you into a rave party?
Like, a dark alley.
You're gonna have to
get it in an alley in the dark.
I got this.
[faint upbeat dance music]
[car sputters and revs]
[whimsical music]
How do you got it?
I got it.
No, you don't.
I got this.
Okay. [chuckles]
[whimsical music continues]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, yo, yo, you.
You look shifty.
No, I'm not. I'm not.
What do you want?
Uh, [clears throat]
I was wondering if, uh, if
you could, [clears throat]
score me some ec, ecs...
Are you a narc?
What?
You sound like a really
bad narc from the '90s.
Why?
Did, did I, did I say it wrong?
Whatever.
Can you hook me up?
What makes you think I have it?
What, I don't...
No, I don't know.
'Cause you, you're
like a young person.
You're like a, like a,
like a modern woman and you,
you like to have a good time.
What?
So you think I just
carry around MDMA
on my person at
work on a Thursday?
[whimsical music]
Ah God, no.
Ooh, fuck!
When you say it like that,
I realize it was stupid.
Ah, I'm an idiot.
I'm sorry, forget it.
- [Josh groans]
- [pills rattling]
So what...
So all that then was,
that was just you
busting my balls,
like you torturing me
- for your amusement?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Your eyeballs were twitching.
It was gross, but
I kinda liked it.
Bye, Natasha.
Bye, Keanu.
Okay.
- Shading.
- Mm. Mm-hmm.
- Shading.
- Yeah.
See tomorrow.
I'm sad because you said
you'd come by the gallery
and you never came.
Oh shit.
Oh, okay, I'm sorry.
I just, things have
been kind of crazy with-
Okay, that's enough small talk.
I mostly came back for these.
I want these in my gallery now.
The artist I was showing
came by the gallery today
and saw that I, I took
down his scrotums.
He wasn't happy so
he pulled everything,
now my gallery's empty.
I desperately need
something to show.
I...
You'd be saving my ass.
Wait, are you kidding?
You're serious?
I, I mean, this is incredible.
I, I'd have to check
with the Aisha,
but I'm sure she'd be thrilled.
Yes.
Oh my God.
You have no idea what kind of
impact this could have on her.
Okay.
We'll bring them by tomorrow
and I'll use as
many as I can fit.
You're serious?
Oh my God.
Hello.
Yeah, no, I, I understand.
I had a, an epiphany, though.
Open Saturday.
No, no balls.
She's a child.
Is all the water
really necessary?
Well, yeah,
if you don't want to die
because I read that most
MDMA related deaths
are caused by dehydration.
So if we're all splayed
out on the floor,
all whacked out on drugs,
and we can't make it to the-
You're kind of ruining the fun.
Oh, okay, fine.
Okay.
Okay.
Sorry.
[Josh exhales deeply]
There, you see that?
You see how quickly I forgot
everything that I've read
about how ecstasy
depletes spinal fluid
and increases the-
Shh.
Thank you.
All right.
Here, here. Cheers.
[Emma chuckles]
Cheers.
Good luck.
Oh shit. Water.
[gentle music]
How about now?
Yeah, yeah, no, I think I'm,
I'm feeling som...
I'm starting to feel
something, you?
Yeah, I'm pretty
sure I feel something.
I think it's working.
Yeah.
Can you believe we thought
that was it back on the couch?
Oh my gosh.
I feel like we're...
We were not high at the house.
Oh God.
And this whole sex thing.
I mean, we, we feel fine.
We'll figure it out.
We're not gonna
like sell our house
and traumatize our kids.
- Oh my God.
- We're not gonna wake up and,
like, hate each other.
That's not who we are.
Oh God, I feel
really good right now.
[Josh] We're so good
at figuring things out.
-I feel- -Like, I know.
[Emma] I feel like I
could do anything.
Oh my God.
- Whoa!
- [Emma] I feel like
we could do anything.
-I feel like everything's,
alive -You know what?
We just made everything
so unnecessarily complicated.
Don't you feel like we're too
serious about the sex stuff?
When we were in
university, we just had...
We fucked everywhere.
- We, like, had sex in my car.
- And my parents!
Oh my God, my parents-
[overlapping chatter]
Or when they were sleeping.
We'd pretend you
were a girl guide
and that I was a hunter-
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, yeah, and the kissing.
Oh, yeah, we
kissed all the time.
Oh God, and your dick.
You, I used to love-
You always said
you enjoyed my penis.
Even though it wasn't huge.
I, I have a slim vagina, right?
You have the slimmest-
[indistinct chatter]
You have the slimmest vagina
of anyone I've ever seen.
[Emma] I know,
it was a perfect fit.
It was like puzzle
pieces that fit together.
I wanna kiss you.
I wanna kiss you.
[indistinct chatter]
Oh my God.
Oh my God, your tongue-
It's my winter mint gum.
[funky music]
[Josh groaning]
[music stops]
[Emma panting]
[Josh grunting]
What?
Are you done?
I can't believe I just did that.
Oh my God.
[Josh moaning]
[both chuckling]
It's okay.
We could just
recharge the batteries.
No, like, I...
Everything I read
said, you know,
there's erectile dysfunction
issues on ectasy.
I mean, we were lucky
to get one erection.
We're, we're not gonna get two.
I'm sure we can try.
No, please don't do that.
- Please don't, don't, don't.
- Okay, sorry.
[Josh] Just don't.
Just don't think about it.
Just...
I'll, I'll wait.
It's fine.
I'm really sorry.
Oh no. Please don't apologize.
Oh really?
So you're not, like,
totally frustrated right now.
No.
I mean, I'm a little frustrated.
Oh my God, you are frustrated.
I knew, I knew this.
I fucked the whole thing up.
We can still do this.
No that's, that's
pressuring me. You're...
That's putting pressure on me,
and I don't function
well under pressure.
You know I, I don't-
I can't stop thinking about
that comment you made earlier
about my penis.
When I complimented it?
Uh, by calling it
not huge. [gasps]
Oh my God.
- What?
- Oh no, no.
- I'm leaking.
- What?
[Josh] I'm leaking spinal fluid.
It's semen.
Oh, I don't feel right.
[Emma] It's not spinal fluid.
I don't, I, I, I...
My head hurts and I, I,
I'm having, like,
fucking back spasms.
Okay. Can you just calm down?
We're not the couple that
yells at each other, okay?
Right.
[Emma] Just calm down.
When we have a
problem, we fix it.
- Yeah.
- Or we compromise.
I know what that is.
I know what, I know
what you're doing there.
If you wanna say
something, just say it to me.
And when you say that,
it's like you're saying...
I know what you're saying.
It's like you think that
you're the only one of us
who compromises.
That's not what I meant.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay?
But maybe we should
stop playing games.
Maybe we should
just speak our mind.
Great, you want me
to speak my mind,
fuck I'ma speak my mind.
Calmly!
I'm gonna speak my f...
My I'm losing
fucking my mind, Em.
I'm losing it because
the kids are coming home
from camp and then,
then we're, we're back
to, like, our normal routine.
And then, then this was
our one chance, you know,
our one chance to prove
that we could do this,
that we're not, I
don't know, what, like,
sexually incompatible
or something.
You think I'm not terrified?
You think I'm not
lying in bed at night
worried about why
we're not fucking,
that we're gonna end
up like Andrew and Janice
in the goddamn grocery store?
You think this is just you?
Do you not see that my heart
is breaking just a little
more every single day?
We're great parents
together, right?
And we, we got the
friendship thing down.
It's just...
It's this one piece that we...
I don't know.
I mean, I think maybe
we made a mistake.
[sniffles]
Yeah, maybe we did [sniffles].
- Yep.
- Wait, what are you...
What are you doing?
What, what are you,
what are you doing?
I don't know.
I just gotta
clear my head,
get my thoughts together.
I'm gonna go to a hotel.
You're gon-
What are...
You're gonna what? Wh, why, why?
Why? Why?
I don't know.
I don't know what
the fuck to do.
I don't know.
I don't think we're gonna...
I don't think we're gonna
get anywhere here tonight
with both of us
just confused and paranoid.
Paran, paranoid?
Is that what you think?
You're talking about me, right?
You said we, but you meant me.
You think that I'm
being paranoid?
Is that what you're saying?
Please don't go, okay?
There was a mis...
We, we're not the
couple that does that.
We don't, like, walk
out on each other
in the middle of a fight.
No, we're not, we're not,
we're not the couple
who invites their friend
to a fucking threesome.
And we're not the
couple who take ecstasy
- to try and have sex.
- I know.
[Emma] Or have crushes on people
the week we're supposed to have-
- Wait.
- [Emma] You know, like,
- to have sex.
- I'm sorry.
Did you just say cru,
that we have crushes?
I'm, I don't...
-I'm, I don't, I don't-
-No, it's nothing.
It's just a stupid
fucking crush.
It's just this timing that
obviously is saying something.
It's just freaking me out.
[Josh] Whoa.
Who is it?
It's Marlon.
Marlon?
Marlon from art school?
Marlon, the gallery thingy guy?
Yes. It's stupid.
Oh, okay.
So what?
You guys, all week,
you guys have been,
like, flirting and stuff?
No.
I mean,
a little,
maybe.
Okay.
Can I get some details on that,
just, like, details
about what that means?
No, 'cause that's
a really bad idea.
Mm, I think it's actually
a really good idea
'cause I need to hear it.
And you just said
- you have a crush on Marlon.
- Well, I don't know
what you're gonna hear
'cause there's also no details.
-I had- -[Josh] Okay.
- You want the details?
- Yes.
I had a, a daydream about him.
- [Josh] A daydream?
- That's it.
Is that like...
Is that code for,
like, a sex fantasy?
Uh.
Yeah, I guess.
I guess that's what it is.
- Wow.
- [Emma] Yeah.
Wow. Okay.
-So- -Now you know.
In this, like, fantasy
did he, like, kiss you?
In the fantasy?
[Josh] Yeah, inside the
fantasy, did he kiss you?
- Yes. He did.
- Wow.
Right.
Like, was it like a very...
Like a, tonguey, hot kiss?
Well, it was in a fantasy,
-so it was like a- -[Josh] Yeah.
-You know-
-[Josh] It's probably-
-My fantasy- -Yeah,
your fantasy kiss.
It was a pretty hot kiss.
With Marlon.
And what else did he do to,
did he do to you in the fantasy?
I don't think you
really wanna know this.
No, I definitely wanna know.
And I want you to tell me.
I just want to know.
It's cool.
Just tell me what he
did to you in the fantasy.
What he did to
me in the fantasy-
- [Josh] Yes, yeah.
- He, uh,
he lifted me up on the desk
and he took my panties off.
-Uh, they were much
nicer- -Okay, uh.
- No, you're right.
- Than I was actually wearing.
- You're right.
- [Emma] And then he came
-and he- -That's good.
Stop it!
It's good, it's good.
I get it. You're right.
That was a really bad idea.
And,
and you were right
that we are not gonna
figure this out tonight.
- Josh.
- No.
And you were right that
we need space, so I'm-
[Emma] Oh my God.
I'm giving us some space.
Where are you going?
Josh?
[pensive music]
[door slams]
Fucking gnomes!
- [Josh groans]
- [gnome shatters]
[pensive music continues]
[Emma sniffling]
[Kelly chuckles]
Oh dude.
You partied on a
school night, wow.
Oh, you look really creepy.
You look super fucking sketchy.
It's, it's actually
really embarrassing.
Hey, Josh, I need you to
clean that up and go home.
[Josh groans]
Yeah, well, there it is,
the fog of the morning after.
You know, I should
have warned you.
That's what happens when
you have an evening of euphoria
and crazy sex.
Would you, would
you stop with the sex?
There was no sex, okay?
Emma and I,
we took the ectasy
because our relationship
is falling apart because
our sex life is in shambles.
All right?
There, I said it.
Oh.
Okay.
Uh, well, first of all,
it's called "molly".
When you say the ecstasy,
it's very embarrassing
for both of us.
And I'm guessing
it's still in your system
'cause it's doing something
that was surprisingly,
uh, honest.
I'm sorry.
Come on, tell me what
happened last night.
[indistinct chatter]
Okay.
It was, [clears throat]
it was really bad.
It was a disaster.
She told me that she has a
crush on this old flame of hers.
Okay.
That's totally normal.
People have
crushes all the time.
Yeah, but she's been
working with the guy all week
and now she's worried
that she's gonna maybe, like,
do it with him or something.
Oh.
I spent the night at
a dingy motel room.
Yeah.
That's pretty fucking tragic.
Yeah.
It's the first time
since I met her
that I just have no clue
what's going on in her head.
Yeah.
Well, you should probably
do something about that.
I know.
That, that, that's
what I was thinking.
Yeah, maybe like a romantic
gesture or something.
Hey, you, you think I
should make her jealous?
Uh, no, I don't think
you should do that.
Yeah, because she's
never been jealous before.
She's not really
the jealous type,
that's just because I've
never posed a threat.
Okay, what you're
suggesting is juvenile,
manipulative and mean-spirited.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's gonna work [claps].
No, look, I happen
to be a master
at romantic manipulation, okay?
I am not proud of it.
Oh my God, I am so proud of it.
I'm just kidding.
-And what is- -I
know what I'm saying
sounds totally crazy.
I recognize this is an
unconventional approach.
It sounds crazy
coming outta my mouth.
What are you doing
with that phone?
But I really think thi,
this is gonna work
because I feel her
slipping away, you know?
And I gotta do whatever it
takes to get her back, right?
It doesn't make me a bad per...
Does that make me a bad person?
-It doesn't make you
a bad- -Oh my God.
Josh, Josh, listen to me!
Every single person
born after 1990
is trained in these very arts,
the art of Tinder.
Please just put the phone down.
Put it down.
Hang up the phone.
[phone ringing]
I need you to do this for me.
What? No,
Uh-uh, I'm not
touching that phone.
Nope.
- I think it looks really good.
- [phone ringing]
Yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
I'm sorry, just one second.
[heels clicking]
Thank God you called.
Look, I don't wanna-
Oh, hello?
Oh, sorry.
Who is this?
This is Emma.
Who's this?
Oh geez.
I'm so sorry.
I think I might have ass
dialed you on Josh's phone.
Who is this?
It's Kelly from
Josh's work. [giggling]
Josh, oh my gosh, come here.
I think I might have ass
dialed Emma on your phone.
I'm so sorry. [giggling]
I'm such a dumb slut sometimes.
That's good. That's good.
Hey, sorry about that.
Hey.
Um,
how are you feeling
after last night?
Uh, I don't know.
I've been better.
What I said about Marlon-
[Josh sighs]
Just, I, I really don't
wanna hear about Marlon
- right now, okay?
- I know.
I'm sorry.
-I- -It was a mistake.
I, I didn't mean to call you.
I, uh, I gotta go.
Um,
we're just gonna
go grab some dinner.
Oh, okay.
You, you have dinner plans?
It's like a private
work thing, so, uh...
Anyway, I gotta go.
Bye.
Well, that's done.
I feel dirty.
What did I just do?
I believe my words
were mean-spirited,
juvenile and manipulative.
How could you let me do that?
I, I actually warned you.
I have a gift.
It's guided by a higher power,
there's nothing
I can do about it.
The situation is 100% on you.
[Josh sighs]
Like, it's, it's looking
pretty good, right?
I mean, we can
come back tomorrow
and make some last minute
adjustments if we want to.
But I don't know.
I think we're pretty much...
We're ready to go.
You got any dinner plans?
You know I'm married, right?
So what the fuck
is wrong with you?
I, I, I thought the three of
us could grab some dinner,
you, me and Josh, if you
don't already have plans,
But, uh, really, forget it.
- I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.
- No.
You know what?
I don't even want to
have dinner with you,
with either of you
'cause I, I hate dinner.
I uh, totally was, was joking.
I don't even eat, so that's...
Whatever I did,
I didn't mean it.
I'm truly sorry.
And please don't be mad at me.
[Emma sighs]
No, it's not you.
I'm really sorry. [sniffles]
I just made everything
really awkward.
Well, welcome to my world.
The, the world of
awkward, awkward world,
the wonderful world of awkward.
Just stop.
Look, Josh and I just have...
We're just going through
something right now,
so we can't go for dinner.
It's just we've always
been able to talk it through,
always.
Yeah, I believe it.
Are you gonna eat that?
And, but I, I s...
I screwed up.
I told him I had a crush.
Ugh.
You have a crush?
I told him I was having intense
sexual fantasies about you
when we were in an
ecstasy fueled meltdown
teeming with
paranoia and anxiety.
[Emma sighs]
I was just a horrible person,
a stupid person.
Well, he's not exactly
being a saint, you know,
trying to make you jealous
with that phone call tonight
with that girl from work.
- Wait. Wait.
- Now, when you say fantasies-
Wait, you think he was
trying to make me jealous, like,
on purpose?
Yeah.
It seemed pretty obvious
from what you were saying.
But when you say sexual,
- what exactly are we doing?
- Oh my God.
That is so unlike him.
That's...
I can't believe
he would do that.
I mean, that's something
I did in eighth grade
when I was an idiot.
It's so mean.
Oh my God. [groans]
Oh my God, am I...
Is he an idiot?
Am I married to an idiot?
Have I been married to
an idiot for like 10 years
and didn't know it?
I mean, all's fair
and love and war,
or so they say.
I mean, I,
I personally don't
advocate for, um,
-idiocy in- -How could-
In love or, or, or-
I mean, I don't know
how I could have
not seen that, though.
You could fight fire
with fire, you know,
make him jealous too.
Oh my...
I'll be, I'll be back.
Hey, was I wearing anything
specific in the, in the..
[door slams]
It's a blessing and a cruse.
But, you know, I'm
just so good at it.
I look so cute doing it.
- [Josh] Yeah.
- Oh shit.
She looks pissed.
[door slams]
Okay. Well, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna hang back.
Honey, look, I know that-
[strike thuds]
Oh ow!
You just, you slapped me?
It was with a mitten.
What is wrong with you,
trying to make me jealous?
[Josh sighs]
Is that...
That's what we are now?
-No, look, look-
-Like 12-year-olds?
I regressed, I did
something stupid,
I know that.
But it's 'cause I'm
out of my mind and I,
I didn't know what to do.
But don't you see?
You saw through that bullshit.
You're, you know me
better than anybody.
You saw right through it.
- You still came.
- No.
I, I didn't.
I never would've known
if Marlon didn't say
that you were doing
this stupid thing.
Marlon?
So what, you...
So you were just
with Marlon now?
I was at the gallery
setting up for the show.
You know, don't turn this into-
Hold on. I'm just trying...
I'm just trying, I'm
trying to understand
how that conversation
must have played out.
So you would've had to have
like told him about our issues,
about our private,
personal sexual issues.
We were having dinner.
I was upset.
I had to talk to somebody.
I see. [chuckles]
I get, I get what this is.
You, uh,
you...
I made you jealous
and so now you're
making me jealous.
Oh my God.
Seriously?
This is crazy.
That was Marlon's suggestion.
Why does every
man suddenly think-
-Oh Marlon, Ma, Ma, Ma-
-That that's a good idea.
Marlon suggested that you
should make me jealous, right?
That's what you're saying?
He suggested that
you make me jealous?
Can we have a conversation,
like a normal
human conversation?
- Ah.
- When did we transform
- into crazy people?
- Oh.
And by we, I mean you.
What is-
Can I just ask you something?
Tell me the truth.
Did Marlon come over to
the house after I left last night?
Oh my God.
[Josh] Did he, like, did
he kiss you? Did he...
What was it?
Did he lift you up on the
desk and pull off your panties
-and penet- -Yes. Yes, he did.
Yes. We had angry, angry
sex on our marital bed.
- And he, he drilled me so hard.
- Ah, ah, you think, you think
- this is really funny?
- And I, I got hungry.
- No, no!
- Huh?
[Emma] Then I ordered pizza.
Yeah, yeah, this is-
I banged the pizza guy too.
And then there
was also a plumber,
and the plumber did that thing,
that [blows raspberry]
thing that they do in the
pornos where all the j,
the jizz all over my...
I couldn't even see.
And it was like all the
things in all the pornos.
[Josh] Wow.
Are you se...
Of, of course I
didn't do anything.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know what
to think. [scoffs]
You're walking away?
You're getting in your car?
[engine sputters and revs]
You're starting your car?
[car engine revving]
And you're driving away.
[pensive music]
Jesus. Fuck!
What are you doing
here on a Saturday?
Mm-hmm.
Wait, don't you have
your wife's gallery,
showy thing tonight?
You're going to that, right?
No.
Tell me you're going to that.
Okay.
So if you're not gonna
go see your wife tonight,
what are you gonna do?
Oh, I'm thinking I'd
order Indian food,
watch some TV,
possibly kill myself.
All right.
You're coming
to a party with me.
Come on.
[scoffs] That is...
There's no way that
that is happening.
Yeah, you need the distraction.
Yeah. You know what?
I'm just gonna stick
with the suicide plan.
Thanks, though, for offering.
[pills rattling]
It's gonna be fun.
[Josh] Yeah,
a bunch of millennials
posting photos of themselves?
No, thank you.
No, it's actually gonna
be a bunch of hipsters
drinking craft beer
outta Mason jars.
Oh my God, that's so much worse.
You got your car with you?
Yeah. Why?
Great.
You're gonna take
me to the party.
-Uh- -Come on.
You're not gonna get these
back until you come with me.
[Josh] Ugh.
See where it's going?
- Let's go.
- [Josh] Oh my God.
- Ugh.
- Ooh.
That's really gross.
You, you can, you can
just keep all that stuff.
I don't need those things.
[Kelly] Let's go, Josh.
Do I have, do I have to?
[pensive music]
[recorded voice
speaking faintly]
Josh, where the hell are you?
You're not at the motel,
you're not at, at home.
Your car's not in the driveway.
I, I, I need to get back
to the gallery, just,
can you please call me back?
[gnome clinks]
Shit.
[gnome clinking]
[dog barking]
[mellow jazz music]
[indistinct chatter]
Uh, okay, you're her husband.
Congratulations.
Another new husband.
Do you want some
art to celebrate?
I always, always appreciate
it when you buy something
with each 'cause I think we
still got a couple paintings.
That one might be
available, I'm not sure.
This one, I just sold for an
exorbitant amount of money.
That guy did not seem-
[overlapping chatter]
Nobody believes
the artist is 15.
She's selling like hot cakes,
which is a very
confusing expression
'cause I don't know about you,
but after, like, one
hot cake I'm totally full.
[indistinct chatter]
I'm so sorry.
I have to get outta here.
Yeah.
I, I'll walk you.
[faint funky music]
You got to butter me up
[funky music]
Okay, look,
I got you here safe,
and I'm gonna go now, okay?
- Put arm around me.
- What?
Just put your arm around me.
Why are you doing this?
Because...
Just-
It's the married guy.
- Stop staring.
- Oh.
Jesus Christ. Stop it.
- Stop staring at him.
- What?
Okay, I just need to keep
your eyes on me, all right?
Keep your eyes on me.
Keep your eyes on
me and just look at me
as if I'm, like, I'm super hot.
- Oh my God.
- Just do it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
After all the shit you gave
me about playing games?
What the hell?
Because you are old.
'Cause you should know better.
Oh my God. Please, Josh.
Come on.
It's about damage
control tonight.
I really need your help.
Things are a little
bit rocky with Gary,
and I just need to
nudge back in there.
I thought your generation
was supposed to be, like,
evolved and, like, woke.
Don't say woke!
- What?
- God, you're so embarrassing.
God!
All right, game on.
What?
Grab a, grab a tit.
No, I'm not do...
I'm not, I'm not doing this.
No way.
[funky music continues]
Fine.
I'll do it myself.
Butter me up
You've got to butter me up
Butter me up
You got to butter me up
Butter me up
You've got to butter me up
Butter me up
You got to butter me up
You never fucking listen to me!
This is what I fucking
hated about you.
Get the fuck out my life.
Butter me up
Shake it, baby girl
Butter me up
[Josh] Hey, Kelly, wait.
- I'm fine.
- Could you just hold up?
[Kelly] No, it's fine, Josh.
Leave me alone.
[Josh] Look, hey, just
take, take a breath.
[pensive music]
I just wish we could go back
to the way we were a week ago.
I mean, sex was, non-existent,
but we didn't care.
I mean, it wasn't perfect
but at least I was happy.
We were happy.
Every relationship
I've ever had ended
'cause the passion fizzled out,
and the sex always suffers.
Anyone who tells
you otherwise is lying.
I've never been
able to make it stick.
And look at me, I'm alone.
[Emma sighs]
What?
- You want more?
- No, no.
- I've had enough.
- You want more wine?
Trust me.
-I've had more than-
-No, you need more.
No, don't do that.
Oh, that's [mumbling].
Oh God.
Hang on, I'm just gonna...
[faint rap music]
[message typing]
Hey, stop texting.
Stop texting, I'm right here.
Thank you.
I'll take that.
It tastes like shit.
[Josh chuckles]
[faint rap music]
I'm sorry. [laughs]
I'm,
I'm, I'm,
I'm not good at
this sort of thing.
Is that...
Are you...
Is that a, like, maybe...
Are you thinking of...
You're not thinking
of kissing me, are you?
Just...
I...
Maybe I am.
Oh my God.
- You are.
- I mean, I-
Eh, wow, that's-
No, I...
What?
Wait, did you wanna
kiss me? [chuckles]
No, you, you are, you are-
- Who not?
- Cause you're...
Well, you're clearly not in
the appropriate head space
to kiss anybody right now.
What are you trying to say?
And, well, neither am I.
I mean, I'm, I'm not in
that space either, okay?
-Neither of us- -I
think you just made
a pretty good argument.
[faint rap music]
Well, any woman
or man would be lu-
[Emma moaning]
[Marlon chuckles]
Okay.
Wow.
That was...
Wow.
Thanks.
I took an online course.
If that's any indication
of what sex would
be like with you,
it would be like that.
Yeah, of course, it would be.
Of course, 'cause
I'm in vulnerable place
and everything's raw and, um...
And of course it's
great right now, right?
Because you're new and
things with me and Josh are...
It's probably this
really distorted filter.
So, no more kissing?
Oh, sorry.
Yep.
Oh gosh.
[pensive music]
[icicle shatters]
[gnome clinks]
[Josh snoring]
Ah.
Morning, sexy.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
[Kelly] Would you relax?
We made out and
you felt me up a little,
that was it.
Oh, I'm, I'm, I'm a monster.
I'm a horrible person.
I've done a very,
very, very bad thing.
Dude, you were trying
to cheer me up, okay?
I was all conflicted
over the Gary thing
and you were just
helping me move on.
You're a good friend.
I've ruined everything forever.
Um,
and I'm in love with you.
Oh.
Hey, Kelly, I'm...
I, I don't know what to say.
I ha, I had no idea.
Well, things between
you and Emma
look like they're falling apart,
so I just wanted
you to know I'm here.
I mean, we have fun
together, we get along.
I'm super fun.
I think you could
do a lot worse.
Oh God. No.
I mean, of course...
Worse?
Look, you're, you're amazing.
I know.
So?
I'm, I'm in love with Emma.
She's the love of my life.
I'm sorry. What was that?
She, she's the one.
She's always been
the one for me.
I'm, I wanna be
with her forever.
-I mean, no matter
what- -Come again.
[suspenseful music]
Oh my God.
You, you fucking with me again!
- Whoa!
- Well, it worked.
You know what?
You, you know,
you have a problem.
You have a series of problems.
You're disturbed.
Um, I just saved your marriage,
so you're welcome.
Please. You don't
even believe in marriage.
No, just because
I think monogamy
is a fundamentally flawed
and antiquated construct
doesn't mean it's
bullshit for everyone.
And you have to go
pick up your offspring.
Hey, is this room
on your credit card?
Yeah. Why?
Great. I'm gonna
order room service.
Oh, hey.
Hey. Psst.
Yeah.
Happy anniversary.
Oh shit.
[Kelly laughs]
Right.
[door clicks and slams]
[Kelly sighs]
[notification beeps]
[suspenseful music]
[heels clicking]
Josh?
[door creaks]
[Emma gasps]
Em, we gotta go!
We're gonna be late!
Em?
[suspenseful music]
[message typing]
Wendy, what the fuck?
What?
Where's Josh?
I'm sorry, I, I, I just...
I didn't mean to trick you.
I just didn't know how
else to get you alone.
I needed to talk to you.
Now?
In a motel?
Well, you said
you'd never had sex
on a swing before, right?
There's a swing.
Oh my God. Jesus.
That...
I...
Wendy, I was just,
like, spitballing.
You, you'd said you
wanted to try a swing
and Josh never
done that for you.
And I think, I think things
between you are broken.
Actually, my
relationship with Josh
is the only thing
that isn't broken.
Wendy, I'm so sorry for fucking
everything up between us,
okay?
I'm really sorry.
I came alive that night,
and you woke me up.
And I know you
felt something too.
Just give me one more chance.
I didn't, I was faking.
I'm sorry.
I didn't.
I...
And we already tried that,
and look where it got us.
Look at this.
This is weird.
Okay, so fine.
So you just wanna
make out a little or, or-
No!
No!
Well, wh, what
about the sex swing?
You have no idea
how hard it was for me
to put up that thing.
I don't, I don't wanna make out.
I don't wanna have sex
on the sex swing. Ugh.
I just want,
I just wanna erase everything
and have my friend back,
okay?
Can I please have
my friend back, like,
without the sex stuff, please?
Yes.
You can have your friend back.
You know, maybe once
in a while down the road,
if we're really drunk some
time and the vibe is right-
- No.
- No?
Not gonna happen.
Not gonna happen.
[whimsical music]
If I go to leave,
you promise you're not
gonna punch me in the throat?
I promise I will not
punch you in the throat.
You have to really push.
Tricky one.
[door slams]
[whimsical music]
[door creaks]
Dawn?
Gracie?
[All] Surprise!
[Dawn] Daddy!
Hey. Oh.
- Happy Anniversary.
- Oh, were you surprised?
Yes, I was surprised.
[Dawn] Where's Mommy?
That's...
I'm gonna tell you in one sec,
so just hold, hold on.
Wow.
Arthur, worth the surprise.
Well, I thought it'd be good
for you guys to come back here.
Old memories.
[indistinct chatter]
- [Josh] Yeah.
- So where's my Emma?
Ha!
Right. One...
I will get to that.
Hi, everybody.
[Crowd] Hi.
Thank you for being here.
Oh, hello?
That's, uh...
Oh, that seems unnecessary.
Thank you.
Um, so it's really, uh, it's
unexpected to see you all here.
This is, uh...
It's been a long time
since I've been in this room.
And, um, you know, seeing
all your familiar faces here,
it's weird.
It's like, 'cause
it's out of context.
- [Grace] Dad?
- Yeah.
You're being super awkward.
[group laughing]
- [woman] Yep.
- [man] Yeah.
Seriously, where's Mom?
Mom? Where's Mom?
So I bet you're all
wondering where Emma is.
Funny story. [chuckles]
You know how sometimes
you, when you wake up, right?
So Emma...
So this is, this is a good one.
So your mom, when your
mom, when Emma woke...
She wakes up and... [laughs]
I...
Look... [sighs]
She's here.
She just pulled up.
I'll be right back.
Everybody wait here.
Oh, it's fine.
Mom's here.
Party begins.
Yeah.
- Hi.
- [Emma] Hey.
I went by the house
to pick you up.
I know. It's a long story.
I'll tell you later.
Okay.
Wendy told me that
all our friends and family
are in there.
[Emma sighs]
I guess you were right
about my dad's big plan.
I, I, I have to tell
you something.
Um, I, um, I made
out with Kelly last night.
I might have touched
her boobs a little.
- Different Kelly.
- Oh.
But I only did it
because I thought that,
that you slept with Marlon.
I didn't sleep with Marlon.
I, I know.
I, I, I, I know that now.
Of course you, of course
you didn't sleep with Marlon.
Idiot.
I'm so sorry.
Just shut up.
I love you.
[Emma whimpering]
We really messed
things up there, didn't we?
That was, that was all crazy.
We saw my parents
having group sex.
[Arthur laughs]
It's a metaphor.
[Josh] Yeah, at the
sex club that we went to.
That weird room.
Oh my God, that was so weird.
- The bunny lady.
- [Josh] Yes.
Those horse guys.
Oh yeah.
Oh, by the way,
they're, they're here.
Uh, your dad must have-
[Arthur] For the love of God.
Why is no one turning this off?
Do you know where we are?
Yeah.
This is the,
- this is the exact spot.
- This is the spot.
Oh my God. Yeah.
It was, uh, it was Disco Night.
Mm-hmm.
- I was so excited.
- You were,
you were headed
back to your cabin,
- you were walking back.
- And then
you tapped me on the
shoulder and I turned around,
and you leaned in with
this confidence that-
[gentle music]
Our teens, 20s-
God.
We're not those people anymore.
No, we're not.
- [Grace] Mommy!
- [Dawn] Mommy!
Hey, you guys.
Oh.
[pensive music]
Hey.
[Emma groans]
[Josh] All right.
Let's go, let's go.
Everyone's waiting.
Come on, you guys.
[Grace] Daddy, you should
stop saying bad words,
'cause we could hear
everything you say.
[Josh] Oh dear, that...
No, that's not...
That's not good.
[Dawn] What's a sex club?
[funky music]
I've got you down to a science
But you don't stand a chance
You play your tricks, girl
You can't deny it
But you don't stand a chance
You've got to butter me up
Don't you hurt my precious ego
You know what to do
Don't go saying
things to be nasty
Unless you follow through
You've got to butter me up
You've got to butter me up
You've got to butter me up
Butter me up
You've got to butter me up
[funky music continues]
Two, three
[funky music continues]
Butter me up
You've got to butter me up
Butter me up
You've got to butter me up
Butter me up
You've got to butter me up
Butter me up
You got to butter me up
You got to butter me up
Shake it, baby girl
Butter me up
Butter me up
Shake it, baby girl
Butter me up