The Honeymoon (2022) Movie Script

1
[classical music playing]
[people chattering]
- How do I look?
- [chuckles] Good.
[stutters] I feel weird.
Do I look weird?
Did you put this
in the wash or something?
- No, it's Italian cut.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Oh, great, so you're saying--
- No, hey! You look great.
I don't feel great, man.
I feel like... I feel sick.
What if I vom
during the ceremony?
- No, you're not gonna vom.
- You don't know that, man.
Yeah, sure I do.
You're gonna be fine,
you're gonna be great.
Listen, Adam,
I don't know if I can do this.
You do remember that I'm the one
who's getting married, right?
- Yeah.
- It's not your wedding.
- I know, but I'm--
- It's my wedding.
I know, I know, bro,
but I'm the one
with all the responsibility.
- I know.
- I'm the best man!
- Yeah.
- I've got to do the rings,
I've got to do the speech,
- I've got to do everything.
- Bro, bro,
- you're gonna kill it.
- Okay.
You're going to crush it.
Listen, are you sure this whole,
you getting married thing
is the best idea?
- Sure I do.
- Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
- Adam, look at me.
- Yeah?
If the priest says,
"If anyone has any objection
to this marriage--"
you know, "speak now
or forever hold your piece?"
- Yeah?
- What I want you to do is,
if you want out,
I want you to blink...
- I'm not--
- ...and then I'll know.
Well, no, because I gonna
have to blink
at some point, so...
- Okay, you can't marry Sarah.
- Why is that?
Okay, she's Bulgarian, bro.
I'm not, you know--
I'm not being like...
- I love that.
- Yeah, okay, that's great,
but I'm saying, do you remember
that Bulgarian stripper
that broke my heart?
- Bavnesh Patel?
- Yeah.
- You're my best friend.
- You're my best friend.
- I need you today, okay?
- Okay.
- Can you be there for me?
- Hundred percent.
- Okay.
- All right?
Okay, I'm sorry,
I'm just nervous.
I know.
She's actually really lovely.
I'm glad to hear you say that.
You look great.
Hold on.
[grunts]
I'll leave it--
I'll leave it open.
- Yeah...
- It's looks better open.
Let's go.
After you.
[light harp music playing]
Does the best man have the ring?
Best man... the ring.
Oh, bollocks,
that's me, isn't it? Sorry.
Um, let me just get it.
I've got it in this pocket.
You have got it, haven't you?
Of course, I have it.
I'm not a complete idiot, Adam.
I haven't left it
at the flat or anything,
of course...
Have you lost it?!
That's a 3,000 pound ring!
Did you take it?
No, of course,
he didn't take it.
[Bav]
Have you got it, Father?
- [Adam] No, you have it.
- No.
- [Bav] I told you
I don't want the responsibility.
- [Adam] Okay, okay.
- Shall I go back
to the flat and get it?
- No, don't go back.
Do you know we're in
the middle of the ceremony?
[Bav] Okay, okay.
Uh... Oh, wait...
[chuckles]
- I've got it, I've got it.
- [groans]
[Bav]
What were you all worried about?
Panic over. Sorry, guys, sorry.
Here we go.
Oh, shit!
- [gasping]
- [Sarah] Oh, my God!
Is the ring essential?
[big band music playing]
Gotta grab hold of life
with all of my might
Like each moment
just might be my last
Leave my worries behind...
- [Sarah] Question.
- [Adam] Yes.
What's the deal
with you and Bav, hm?
What do you mean?
Does he have some embarrassing
photos of you naked
or he's blackmailing you
with them or...?
No. You know how it is.
Some people, you just know
for so long they're like family.
Really?
You know,
before I left for America
- we barely spent a day apart.
- Mm.
We were like brothers.
Well, I guess at least I know
I've married someone
extremely tolerant.
That's true.
I do tolerate you, don't I?
- [chuckles] Yep.
- Yep.
And you've just agreed to
for the rest of your life.
- So, tough titties.
- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh. Ooh.
- [chuckles]
Okay.
Hi, guys, my name is Bav,
and me and Adam have been
friends since we were kids.
When we were five years old
we called ourselves
the Inseparables.
And we promised and swore
that nothing or no one
would ever come between us.
Even though Adam
moved away to America
and left me on my own.
Even during all of that
we still remained very,
very close friends.
BFFs forever and we still are.
There was--
there was this one period
when this guy called, um,
Dan Simmonds came on the scene,
and he thought
he was Adam's best friend.
But Adam soon realized
what a complete dick he was
and he got rid of him.
Daniel Simmonds,
where is he now?
- He died.
- Huh?
- Bro, he died.
- Oh, he did die, didn't he?
I forgot.
Okay, guys, um,
I just remembered that
Daniel Simmonds actually died.
So sorry about that, um,
it's quite sad,
maybe we could all
have a moment of silence
for Daniel Simmonds.
Maybe everyone bow their heads.
I think that's enough.
A minute silence
is never normally a minute.
You know, and he...
It is sad,
but he was a bit of a dick.
He was a bit of a dick.
He had a weird vibe about him.
Talking about death, uh...
My mum actually died
not too long ago....
And that was quite traumatizing
and quite sad for me, you know?
By the end of it,
she was a real mess.
She had to wear
an adult size nappy, you know.
And Adam is such
a good friend of mine
that he used to come around
and help me clean her,
and, you know,
in all her private parts,
as well, you know...
[sighs]
And it wasn't pretty down there,
let me tell you, it was, uh...
it was quite horrific.
It was like a horror film
down there.
He would really get in there
and give it a good scrub.
Good friend.
Good mate.
["Just the Two of Us"
by Engelbert Humperdinck
playing]
I see the crystal
raindrops fall
See the beauty of it all
When the sun
comes shining through
To make those rainbows
in my mind
When I think of you
sometime
I want to spend
some time with you
Just the two of us
We can make it if we try
- Just the two of us
- Just the two of us
Just the two of us
Building castles in the sky
Just the two of us
you and I
- Just the two of us
- Just the two of us
We can make it if we try
Just the two of us
Just the two of us
Just the two of us
Building castles in the sky
Just the two of us
You and I
Just the two of us
Just the two of us
Building castles in the sky
Just the two of us
You and I
[rock music playing]
[Sarah]
Uh, have you got the passports?
- Yes.
- Did you book the taxi?
Yes, it's gonna be here at two.
Also, by the way,
I had a thought.
We're gonna be visiting
the San Rocco gallery, right?
- The San Rocco museum?
- Yeah.
And thought that maybe
we could meet the curator there
and try to see if they can
help you get an exhibition
going in London or something.
- Seriously?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I made a good decision
marrying you.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- I don't care what they say.
- That was--
That was a joke, right?
- [chuckles]
- Yeah, pretty much.
- Pretty much. Right.
So when you say "pretty much"
what do you mean, exactly?
- What are you doing here?
- [laughs]
Relax, okay?
I married you, didn't I?
Yeah, I guess you did.
[cell phone ringing]
Sorry, one second.
- It's Bav.
- Of course it is.
He can't go five minutes
without speaking to you.
Oh, I should probably
take that though,
because he's got
this work review today,
and I'm kinda nervous about it.
I mean, he really loves...
really loves his job, so...
- I'm gonna...
- Take it.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hm.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- At least we're gonna have
two weeks without him.
- Hello?
- [Bav crying over phone]
Bav?
[Bav] They fired me, man.
- They fucking fired me!
- [sighs] Buddy, what?
Okay, maybe, uh...
all right.
- Hey!
- Well...
- Hey, hey, hey--
- Hold on, sorry.
I have to--
I don't know, I don't know.
Hold on one second.
I gotta go, ten minutes,
give me 15 minutes.
Okay, sorry.
Please, please...
I'll be right back.
[Adam]
So you came to the tree, huh?
The fingering tree.
Classic spot.
Do you remember in 2004,
when I fingered four girls here?
- I don't remember that.
- No, I did, remember?
I did it so much
I got arthritis that summer.
- Got it. Yeah.
- It's this finger.
Yeah, yeah.
So, tell me, what happened?
What'd you do?
Why are you assuming
it's something I did?
That's called
victim blaming, mate.
I'm sorry, but...
what'd you do?
So, they asked me
what some of my weaknesses are.
- And you said?
- I said that some people
think my penis is too big.
Oh, my God, Bav.
Why would you say that
in a work review?!
It was obviously a joke!
I didn't think
that she'd get offended!
She?!
You said that to a female?!
I mean, you don't ever
refer to your penis
in a work review, Bav.
That's page one.
Especially to a woman.
Alright, it was a gamble
that didn't pay off, I get it.
But, now, they're calling me
a misogynist.
Me?!
I love women.
You know, I'm always
trying to have sex
with literally any woman?
- It's true.
- I might call them up
and tell them, actually.
- I don't think that'll help.
- I'm such an idiot.
[sighs]
I'm just no good
at this life stuff.
Maybe it would just be better
if I wasn't here.
What?
After you come back
from your honeymoon,
if I'm not around anymore,
just don't to be sad, okay?
- What do you mean?
- You've got Sarah now.
You'll be okay without me.
Just do me one favor though.
When I'm not here anymore...
come back here
to the fingering tree...
think about me.
Think about the good times.
[cell phone ringing]
Adam, where the hell are you?
The car is gonna be here soon.
Sarah, we've got a problem.
I think I've a solution
but, uh...
I'm gonna need you
to brace yourself.
- [upbeat music playing]
- [woman singing in Italian]
Venice!
Venice! Venice!
Venice! Venice!
Gondola!
Interesting T-shirt, Bav.
Oh, thank you, yeah.
It's uh...
See you next Tuesday.
So, it's C-U-N-T.
- It actually stands for--
- Yeah, we know
what it stands for.
Okay.
- I think it really suits you.
- Oh, thank you.
How lucky was it that there was
an extra plane ticket for me?
Oh... really lucky.
- Right?
- So lucky.
[Bav chuckles]
[door opens]
Whoa.
- So, what do you think?
- It's gorgeous!
- Do you like it?
- I love it!
- I'll go and get ready.
- Okay.
[exhales]
- [upbeat music playing]
- [man singing in Italian]
[rapid knocking on door]
Yeah, okay, I'm coming.
[mutters]
I need to use your bathroom.
What? Why? Why?
There's what-- just--
- What's wrong with yours?
- Okay, mine's all clogged up.
Okay, you don't wanna know
what's going on there right now.
I shouldn't have had
those clams on the plane.
They weren't serving
clams on the plane.
No, I brought them from home.
I shouldn't have left them
out of the fridge for so long.
Just use one of
the hotel toilets downstairs.
There's no time, mate.
There's no time.
- [Adam] No, no, no...
- [grunts] Sarah?!
- [Adam] The swans...
- Sarah?!
- Sarah, open the door.
- [knocking]
Sarah, open the door,
I need to use the toilet.
For fuck's sake!
Oh, my God...
Please, Sarah, open the door!
I'm not dressed.
I cannot open!
I've seen tits before,
I don't care!
Please, just open the door.
It's more out than in
right now, please!
- Fuck off, Bav!
- Sarah, please,
I'm going to shit myself.
- Don't do it on the floor.
- Sarah!
- Stop banging!
- Sarah! Sarah, open the door!
- Sarah!
- Stop banging, she's...
- Sarah! Sarah!
- Jesus!
Get out, get out,
get out, get out...
- Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry.
- What the fuck, Adam?
- I don't know. I don't know
what's going on, he just--
- What the fuck?
[groans]
He just came in
through the door.
I don't know he's got--
He's got diarrhea or something,
he ate clams.
There were no clams
on the plane.
I know, he brought the clams,
I don't know.
- I don't know, I'm sorry.
- [Bav groaning]
- [Adam] My God.
- [Bav] Ohh.
- It burns. Adam, it burns!
- [groans]
I didn't even know a human
could create a smell like that.
[Bav]
It's coming out of my asshole!
How do you think I feel, Sarah?
- [Sarah] I'm gonna be sick.
- [groans]
Let me in!
I need to be sick.
[Bav]
I seriously do not recommend
coming in here right now.
- It's a fucking warzone
in here.
- Dude...
[Bav]
Don't come in here, Sarah,
I'm saying it for your own good.
- [retching]
- [mutters]
[Bav] I'm so sorry, guys.
[gasping]
Sorry!
Mm.
[Bav exhales]
Sarah, you're not eating that?
I seem to have lost my appetite.
Come on, that's a waste.
It's a buffet.
You're supposed to eat
as much as you can.
You're supposed to eat
as much as you like,
not as much as you can.
There is a difference.
Yeah, but it's free food.
There are children
starving in Africa.
Okay, Adam,
I'll see you outside.
- Yeah.
- Cool?
What's up with her?
Listen, Bav,
we're spending the day
- alone today, okay?
- That's totally cool with me.
And what's Sarah gonna do?
What do you mean?
If we're gonna
spend the day alone,
- what's Sarah gonna do?
- No, no.
Sarah and me
are spending the day together.
- The whole day?
- Yes, the whole day.
What am I supposed to do,
sit at home
with my thumb up my ass?
Remember, this is mine
and Sarah's honeymoon, right?
Yes, you don't have to
remind me,
you go on about it all the time.
Because it doesn't
seem to be sinking in.
Okay, go then, Adam.
Go, enjoy your "honeymoon".
See you later.
One full day pass,
just you and me.
Thank fuck for that.
[upbeat music playing]
[speaking Italian]
Something pure.
Something real.
So, when I saw
Tintoretto's paintings,
I was, like, obsessed
by his use
of light and color.
For its time,
it's been really groundbreaking.
Hey.
- Are you listening?
- Yeah, totally.
- Uh-huh?
- You were talking about
Tin Tin or something.
Tintoretto!
One of the greatest
Italian artists...
- Okay.
- ...to have ever lived.
Alright, alight, I'll Google him
when we get back.
[Bav chuckles]
Adam!
Adam!
- Adam! [voice echoes]
- You've gotta be kidding me.
- Adam! Adam!
- No, no, no!
We're not acknowledging him.
- No.
- Adam!
Adam!
Adam!
Adam!
They're my friends.
Adam!
Adam!
Adam!
Sarah!
Sarah!
Sarah!
Adam and Sarah!
Adam and Sarah!
- Adam and Sarah!
- What?!
I got this T-shirt!
I got you the same one!
Matching twinsies!
Promise me you will
never wear that T-shirt.
Cool.
They're my friends.
My friends.
[speaking Italian]
Um, I ordered
an adult size cup,
this seems to be a cup
for a small child.
They have small cups
in Italy, no?
Yeah, I know, right?
What's that about?
[chuckles]
Do I know you?
Your face looks so familiar.
Do you do porn?
Uh... no.
I mean, you definitely could.
I don't know how big
your penis is,
- but you have BDE.
- BDE?
- Big dick energy.
- Oh.
- I guess it
takes one to know one.
- Hey... [laughs]
Oh, no, not really.
I'm blushing, no, no, no.
Mine's not that big.
- Oh.
- It's very wide,
but not very long.
I've got big bollocks,
but small cock.
I'd be curious to see that.
Hey, you're my level. Bav!
- Giorgio.
- Nice to meet you, man!
[speaks Italian]
So you are here alone?
I'm actually with a couple,
and they're on their honeymoon.
They must like you a lot
to bring you on their honeymoon.
Yeah. But I wanna
do something for them, you know.
Something romantic,
like a romantic gesture,
you know.
Something to make
their honeymoon
feel really special.
You know what?
I think I just had
an amazing idea.
Could you excuse me
for one minute,
and I'll be right back?
- Of course.
- Okay.
[band playing music]
Excuse me.
This is it,
the San Rocco art gallery.
Oh, no.
Closed for
the rest of the summer.
I'm so sorry.
It's not a big deal,
honestly.
We'll come some other time.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Aye-yi-yi.
Thank you so much.
They're gonna love this.
Okay, come, come.
In here.
Andale, andale, andale,
andale, andale.
[chuckles]
Okay, we're gonna hide in here,
wait for them to arrive,
and when I say,
"One, two, three,"
we're going to burst out
and give them
the romantic surprise
of their lives.
[moaning]
[shushing]
- Put it on.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I can hear them.
- Okay.
- Well, how can I serve you,
my lady?
So, you're a jester,
aren't you?
- Yeah.
- Be a donkey and make me laugh.
[Adam] Oh...
Tamb...
- [Adam] You wanna ride me?
- This one, clarinet?
[braying]
[Sarah] Faster, faster, faster.
[braying continues]
Faster.
Go faster! Faster!
- [tambourine jingles]
- [mutters]
[whispers]
Shut the fuck up!
Did you hear that?
- What was that?
- Be quiet!
[whispers] Shut...
[Sarah gasps]
And a one, and a two,
and a three...
[band playing]
[Adam] To be clear, we're only
coming to this friend of yours
because you promised
not to ever mention
what you just saw
for the rest of your life.
Right?
- [Bav] Yeah, I promise!
- [Adam] Alright.
[Bav] It was weird though,
and really disturbing.
- [Adam] Dude...
- [Bav] I mean,
what was that donkey stuff?
[Adam]
You literally just promised!
- You just promised!
- [Bav] Okay, sorry!
It was just, sort of freakish.
[Adam] Shut up!
- Fuck me!
- Wow.
[chuckles]
Who the hell
is this friend of yours?
To be honest,
the house is bigger
than I was expecting.
- See, I'm connected, baby!
- Bav!
Hey, Giorgio!
[speaking Italian]
These are my friends
I was telling you about.
- Hey, Adam--
- Piacere.
Oh.
Right on, cool, right on.
Okay. Wait, whoa--
Why are you kissing me?
- 'Cause he just did it.
- Why is your mouth so wet?
It's spittle
from the excitement.
Bav told me all about you.
Although, I'm a little annoyed,
you didn't tell me
you were bringing a goddess
to the house.
Who are you talk-- Sarah?
Of course, Sarah.
So you're married, yes?
To him?
I am, yes.
- [Adam chuckles]
- [all chuckling]
[speaks Italian]
Love is...
has no logic, no reason.
It's a...
a thing of the heart.
- Hm.
- What do you, what do you--
What?
Come, come, let me show you.
I have a few friends around,
but make yourself home.
- What is he talking...?
- Went over your head,
it's too deep for you.
[upbeat dance music playing]
Apples!
Don't pick 'em.
Whoa...
Look, chicks, chicks,
chicks, chicks, chicks!
I'm definitely
getting laid tonight.
More! More chicks!
Wow, the art here is amazing.
Let me show you.
[chuckles]
[mutters] I think I've died
and gone to heaven.
Oi, this one's checking me out.
- She's checking out her phone
what are you talking--
- Shh...
[Adam] What is that?
Fuck off.
You tried... you did your best,
you did your best.
[Giorgio] These are
the original prototypes
of the Venetian masks.
They were made 800 years ago.
Wow.
They must be worth a fortune.
Ah, priceless.
- What is the manuscript?
- This?
This is a letter
written by Pope Gregory
to one of my ancestors.
One of my
most valuable possessions.
I'm just gonna
go to the bathroom.
Hallway, to the left.
[Bav] Just like...
karate's is more of kind of
a state of mind, you know.
You kind of live it.
Let me show you something.
[makes karate grunt]
Sorry, I was just
looking for the bathroom.
[tense music playing]
You know people punch like this.
[grunting weakly]
No, twist like this.
[grunting]
You know?
You twist...
What the fuck?
Uppercut!
[makes whooshing sound]
Knock your head off.
Clean off.
Bav, by the way.
- Bang, bang, bang.
- Bav, Bav, come here.
- What?
- Listen to me, listen to me.
[exhales]
Shit just got fucking real, bro.
- What happened?
- We need to
get the hell out of here.
What? Are you joking me?
I'm totally in there
with Angelina.
I don't give a fuck
about Angelina, okay?
You listen to me,
you stay right here.
- I'm gonna go get Sarah.
- What's happened?
Just shut up, wait here.
[scoffs]
Sorry. Anyway... So...
Hey, hey.
Can't I talk to you--?
I cannot believe this.
Giorgio said he will help me
get an exhibition!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's brilliant!
That's brilliant.
Oh, thanks. Oh, but we do--
Unfortunately, we have to go.
So, Giorgio,
thanks so much
for a great evening,
and, um, yeah.
- You're leaving already?
- Yeah.
- But it's only three am.
- Yeah, the night is young.
But we have this thing tomorrow,
so, so we gotta--
Maybe we'll do it
again some time.
- I would like that, very much.
- Bav, come on.
- Hold on, I'm just
showing her these moves.
- No, let's go!
Hey, Giorgio,
check this shit out!
[grunts]
I literally can't believe it.
I can.
[Bav] What? It was an accident.
Have you ever had
an accident before?
Not like that, Bav.
Not like that.
[speaking Italian]
[snaps fingers]
You know,
I think we should just go.
But Giorgio
told us to wait here.
Have you not
fucking gotten it yet?
Giorgio's back there right now
with the cast
of the fucking Sopranos.
Oh, come on, Adam.
What, just because
we're in Italy
everyone's automatically
the mafia?
- You know what?
- Yeah?
- That's quite stereo-typical.
- Oh, no.
- And a little bit racist.
- They're drug dealers!
Oh, who hasn't sold
a bit of drugs?
It's not like
they're violent criminals--
Is this a bullet hole?
- Okay, let's get
the fuck out of here.
- Let's-- yeah.
[Giorgio speaks Italian]
[in English] Leaving already?
Hey, Giorgio.
Yeah, we gotta get going
'cause we've got
that thing tomorrow.
- Sit down, please.
- And, uh...
Yeah.
[speaks Italian]
We need to have a conversation.
About the broken art and stuff?
Yes, about the broken art
and stuff.
Yeah, can I just say
that Bav is really,
- really sorry
about what happened.
- Yeah.
- [Adam] Aren't you, Bav?
- [Bav] Yeah, I'm really sorry.
I was just--
I was talking to that girl,
and I thought I was in there,
and I thought I'd show her
some moves,
I did the spinning kick--
To be honest, I am very sorry,
but everything was placed
quite precariously.
You should really space it out
'cause it was
just waiting for an accident.
Well, when my father
finds out about this,
he's gonna lose his temper...
and that won't be
good for anyone.
This needs to be paid for.
By insurance?
There is no insurance.
That's weird.
- Look, I have an idea.
- Yeah.
You know we are quite close
to the Slovenian border here?
- [Adam] Okay.
- I have a package
that I need to be delivered.
You take the package
to Slovenia,
collect the money,
bring it back
and maybe we can forgive
the broken art. Huh?
[Adam] Sounds good, but,
the only thing is,
I kind of have a policy
against taking
mystery packages
across foreign borders.
[snaps fingers] I think maybe
you're gonna change that policy.
[whispers]
I think the mystery package
might be drugs.
[whispers]
Of course, it's drugs!
Okay, it's settled then.
Adam, Bav,
you will go to Slovenia
with the package.
And, uh, I will keep Sarah
as security.
- Okay, deal.
- Wait, hold on.
What, what, what?
Yeah, what?
I'm not staying here.
But if you are not staying
how do I know that you guys
won't run away?
- Because we promise.
- Oh, I don't--
People break promises.
This is bullshit.
I'm not staying.
Yeah, and I'm not
leaving her here, so...
Well, we could always go with
the alternative option
that my men in here
came up with.
What's the alternative option?
They want to take you
for a drive
to the water's edge,
shoot you in the head
and throw your corpses
into the canal.
[tense music playing]
You know, why don't you
take a couple of minutes
to think about it, huh?
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck?
Honestly, from the minute
I met Giorgio,
I just knew there was
something off about him.
And you still decided to
bring us to his fucking house.
Well, I mean, he's so charming.
He looks like James Bond.
I mean, you were getting on
just fine with him,
to be honest.
Yes, I was actually,
until you went Mr. Bean
on his art collection!
You know what, honestly,
what is the big deal
about art anyway?
Like, it's just--
it's just shapes and sizes,
like little dicks.
They always have statues
with the little dicks.
I don't-- What's the big deal?
What's the fuss about?"
You know what, Bav?
I'm gonna kill you.
- What?
- I'm just gonna
actually kill you.
What? What are you doing?
- What's she doing?
- Sarah, stop it!
- Whoa, whoa...
- I really...
- Okay, Sarah...
- Geez.
- Sarah, stop. Sarah!
- [muffled yelling]
- Adam, Adam!
- Sarah! Sarah, get--
Sarah! Sarah!
- [grunts]
- Stop it! Stop it!
I never want to see
his stupid face ever again!
- Do you hear me?
- Stupid face?
- Yes, your stupid idiot face!
- Okay. Just calm down!
No, I'm not going to calm down
because this is
just as much your fault!
Why? Why is it my fault?
Because you thought it was
gonna be a good idea
to bring this moron
on our honeymoon!
- Okay, okay.
- I mean, Adam,
what is he even doing here?!
Let's just talk about this
another time.
Please, maybe when our lives
aren't being threatened?
- Fine.
- Okay.
- Or just...
- Just go.
The two of you
can finally be together,
which is clearly what you want.
Sarah,
I'm not leaving you, okay?
We don't have a choice.
Unless you want all of us
to end up in the canal.
[speaks Italian]
[in English]
Did you make up your mind?
[Sarah] Yes.
We decided to go for
the not getting murdered option.
[exhales] What a relief.
[muttering]
I hate it when people I like
get murdered.
Let's-let's get you ready.
Could we really
not just put this
all in the trunk of the car?
Unfortunately, they...
they have roadblocks
and search the cars.
It's safer this way.
But do we need to tape it
to our actual skin?
Yes. Rico will give you
the instructions
and the address.
Feeling good?
I've felt better.
Just get back
as quickly as possible, okay?
- I will.
- Okay.
I'm so sorry.
I can promise you that...
I will take
good care of Sarah.
And, oh, and if you
think about calling the police,
or doing anything, um...
Well, you know...
Okay.
How can he manage
to threaten to kill us
and still be
so goddamn charming?
I mean, that is charisma.
Alright, here's the address.
And what happens
if we do get caught?
[chuckles] If you want to see
your wife alive again...
don't get caught.
- He's less charming.
- Let's just get this over with.
Well, at least Giorgio sorted us
out with a really nice car.
- Shall we pop the radio on?
- No.
Adam, mate,
don't worry, alright?
It's gonna be okay.
Giorgio said that he's
gonna look after Sarah,
and I really believe him.
Yeah, unfortunately,
I think I know
what he has in mind.
- What, you think he's into her?
- He's clearly into her!
He was all over her
from the second
that we walked in.
Well, he might
fancy her a little bit.
But I don't think
that she'd be into him..
I mean, although he is
ridiculously good looking.
And he's so charming,
and he's filthy rich.
He kinda reminds me of, like,
an Italian movie star.
- What's your point?!
- I'm just saying, Adam,
that you're her husband, okay?
She's committed to you,
whether she likes it or not.
Okay, well, listen,
if you get hungry later,
I've got some sandwiches.
- I've got ham and I've got egg.
- Look, this isn't a jolly,
okay?!
It's not some fun
little road trip.
We're smuggling drugs,
and we're risking our lives
and potential prison,
while my wife
is being held hostage
by a particularly handsome
Italian drug lord.
- He is handsome.
- So forgive me if I don't wanna
listen to the radio,
and-and eat fucking sandwiches!
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm just...
Just give me the egg.
Actually,
I quite wanted the egg.
Just give me
the fucking egg, Bav!
Just unwrap the foil, please.
Yeah, sure, sorry.
Here...
- [tires screeching]
- [muffled] Stop!
- Alright, sorry.
- Why is it... still hot?
Why is it so wet?
Well, it's been in my pocket,
obviously, I mean...
[spits]
Oh, that's a waste.
[groans] It's disgusting.
Just give me the ham.
- You want the ham?
- Yeah.
Why are you doing that again?
- Sorry.
- We just went through that.
Hey, don't look so sad,
beautiful.
Listen to me, motherfucker,
if you or anyone
thinks about touching me,
you should be aware that I know
15 different self-defense
kill moves,
including the one
with the thumbs in the eyeballs.
[Giorgio] I can assure you
he's not gonna touch you.
How do you know?
Ah, because he's gay.
Are you?
Just because I'm a drug dealer
I can't be gay?
Are you stereotyping
homosexuals?
[coughs]
[speaks Italian]
[peaceful music playing]
[Bav] God, it's amazing here,
isn't it?
Remember that, um, school trip
we had to the Lake District?
This kinda like
reminds me of that.
Yeah, there are a couple
minor differences
- I can think of.
- Yeah, true. [chuckles]
Still though, that was
an amazing time wasn't it?
Me you, Rajesh, Magnus...
Oh, those were the days.
Before girls got involved.
Saying that,
wasn't that the trip
where I snogged three girls?
- Oh, God, here we go.
- Yeah.
You did not snog
three girls on that trip.
That was the trip
where I snogged the triplets.
The--
Oh, they are triplets now.
- Yeah--
- Unbelievable, dude.
You just keep
adding to the story.
No, they've always
been triplets.
Dude, we were 12 years old,
the teacher was watching us
the entire time.
No.
Oh, fuck.
It's a roadblock.
Oh, my God.
What do we do?
Just be calm,
be calm, bro, it's fine.
Kind hard to be calm though,
Bav, when I've got
200,000 pounds of cocaine
strapped to my testicles.
Look, they're pulling cars over,
they're talking to people.
- Oh, fuck, we're so dead.
- We're not dead.
Stop doing that face.
- Oh, God, these guys
are pulling us over.
- Stop doing that face.
- What face?
- That stupid
"I'm a guilty drug smuggler"
face.
What are you talking about,
this is my face!
[Bav] Maybe we should just
turn ourselves in?
[Adam] What the fuck
are you talking about?
They threatened to hurt Sarah
if we get caught.
[Bav] Okay, that's true.
It's going to be fine.
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Hi, Officer.
Can I ask what is your purpose
for coming into Slovenia?
We're on holiday.
Yeah, honeymoon.
- [stuttering]
- Not ours.
No. There's nothing
wrong with that,
if you are that.
Um, but his honeymoon,
with his wife.
Bella.
But she's not here.
No. No, she is not here,
she is... she's back in Venezia.
[both] Venice.
So, you came with your wife
on your honeymoon,
and you go on a trip with him?
I know-- it's weird.
[chuckles]
You can imagine my wife,
how angry she is about it.
[both laughing]
Are you bringing through
any contraband goods?
- No.
- Animals?
No, no, no.
- Drugs?
- Drugs?
Oh, no.
How... I have never ever,
ever touched a drug
in my life, ever.
- Right.
- [stutters] Okay, you know,
I once, once
did coke by accident.
It was my friend, hit me with--
and it went in my--
But, uh... is alcohol a drug?
Because alcohol,
okay, I've done alcohol before.
Yeah, because people do
consider it a drug, technically.
Well, then lock me up
and throw away the key, but...
Illegal, illegal drugs?
Never ever in my life,
I swear to God.
I swear to...
Could you pull the car over
to the side please, sir?
Officer, I would really like to
apologize for my friend.
He has problems with his brain.
Pull the car over there, please.
Right, yeah,
of course, no problem.
[Adam shuddering]
- What the fuck was that, bro?
- I was trying to throw him
- off the scent, okay?
- You fuckin' managed to
spray the scent
- all over his fucking face!
- What do we do now?
[Adam]
We're just gonna be really calm
and do exactly what he says.
- Please step out of the car.
- Yes, coming.
- Coming.
- Coming.
Bav! What the fuck!
Dude, you've got fucking coke
pouring out of you!
- Oh, God.
- Just lift your arm
and hold it up, Jesus.
[whispers indistinct]
Could you come with me,
please?
- Why?
- Where?
Come with me.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Is there a problem, Officer?
Yes, we have a problem.
You don't have
the appropriate pass
to be driving in Slovenia.
You need
a Vignette Toll Sticker.
- Oh, thank God.
- [Adam slaps Bav's leg]
I just have to sign it.
- Do you need a pen?
- Oh, yes.
Ah.
I have a-- actually.
He has a pen.
[whispering indistinct]
Oh, my God, I feel so alive.
- [officer] Excuse me!
- He's onto us, he's onto us!
Shit, why is he
coming after us?
- Fuck, he must have seen...
- Excuse me!
...some of the fucking coke
coming out my sleeve.
[Adam] We're gonna go to jail,
and they're going to kill Sarah.
He's coming!
Quick, quick, quick!
Press the fucking gas!
I'm going--
I'm going as fast as I can!
[indistinct]
God, what the fuck, man!
- Oh, God.
- [Bav] Quick, quick!
- [Adam] Oh, my God.
- [Bav] Oh, God!
[rock music playing]
[mutters] Oh, God.
Is he behind us?
I don't think so!
Just keep driving!
[Adam] What do I do now?!
- You see that sign road, yeah?
- Yeah.
[Bav] Drift into there!
Drift into--
I'm not fucking Vin Diesel.
Do a 230 degree turn
at three o'clock.
Do a 230 degree turn
at three o'clock?
What the fuck
are you talking about?
- There's no fucking time!
- I'm doing it!
[both yelling]
[coughing]
There you go, good boy,
good boy.
Oh, get it all out.
Better out than in,
that's what my mum
always used to say.
Fuck off!
[groans]
Okay, I think that's it.
What the hell are you doing?!
- I'm burning the car.
- Why?
- Have you never seen
any movie, ever?
- [lighter flicking]
They've got our license plate,
okay.
This is evidence
we need to get rid of!
Plus, it's got our DNA
all over it, you Muppet!
- No, no, no, no.
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Fucking run!
- Oh, my God!
Bav.
A problem?
You know what?
Why don't you take your time?
Spend the night there.
Yeah, cool!
[laughing]
Yeah. No, no, no.
No, no, understood.
No, no, understood.
Yeah, sorry, yeah.
Okay, thank you, bye.
Was Sarah okay?
Um... yeah, probably,
I don't know I didn't ask.
Giorgio is cool though,
he's in good spirits.
He said that we could
drop the stuff off
tomorrow morning,
so, he's given us this place
that we can stay overnight.
- Overnight?!
- Yeah, sorry, um...
Jesus Christ.
He also said that
if we mess this up
we're both dead.
I mean, he didn't
say it like that, you know,
he said it in a Giorgio way,
you know, what he's like,
so charming.
That was the crux of it.
So where is this place
we're supposed to stay at?
- Fourteen miles away.
- Fourteen miles?!
We're meant to walk 14 miles?
That's alright.
We'll just take it step by step.
[thunder rumbles softly]
[rain pattering]
[knocking on door]
Hello!
Hello!
Oh.
Hi, sorry.
Uh... Giorgio sent us.
[woman spits]
Oh.
- Hello.
- Hiya.
[man spits]
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, madam.
God...
[woman spits]
[exhales]
What the hell was that?
What was with all the spitting.
- Why was she spitting so much?
- Bro...
There's only one bed.
We can just 69 it,
like we used to do
when we were kids.
You mean top and tails?
Yeah, top and tails,
69, same thing.
- You know what I mean.
- It's not the same thing.
Alright, whatever.
Okay, listen,
I'm just gonna go to
the bathroom, alright.
Okay.
Don't take too long.
Yeah.
[exhales]
Bav, I'm gonna
need some help.
Okay. Are you sure?
Yeah.
- Alright.
- Okay.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
- Three...
- On three.
...two, one. Go!
- [tape ripping]
- [groaning]
Okay, on three.
[groaning]
- One, two....
- Ooh, fuck me!
Okay, okay,
you want me to do you now?
Nah, I'm probably gonna go
to the bathroom,
the hot water,
the steam will help it
come off really easily.
Otherwise you get that.
[chuckles]
What? How?
Why didn't you tell me?
[exhales]
[farting]
[inhales sharply]
Mm.
Fuck.
[Adam] Everything okay?
You were in there for a while.
Yeah, yeah, all good.
Got the tape off
nice and easy, did you?
Yeah. Came on, off....
Right.
- Bav, what are you doing?
- You know I always sleep naked.
Not in this tiny bed
with me in it, you're not.
- Oh, my God.
- Put some clothes on.
Alright.
I can't believe I should have
been with Sarah
in that beautiful hotel
right now.
Instead I'm in the worst hotel
on the planet.
Is it really bad to admit
that I'm not having
the worst time?
I mean... [sighs]
It's kinda, like, nice
to spend some time together,
some real you and me time,
we haven't done that for ages.
Do you know what I was
thinking about, Adam?
I was thinking about
our Geography teacher.
What was his name?
Mr. Barker.
- Weirdo Beardo.
- Weirdo Beardo.
Yeah, 'cause he was weird,
and he had a beard.
[chuckles]
Oh, my God, do you remember
when you put something
on his seat and he sat on it?
What was it,
was it a hair brush?
A hair brush?
- It was a pine cone.
- Pine cone! [laughs]
That was amazing!
Oh, my God, you were in
so much trouble that year.
If they'd found out it was you
they'd probably would have
kicked you out of school.
And you took the blame for me,
didn't you?
Yeah.
I got one week detention.
Why'd you do that, Bav?
Why'd you take
the blame for me?
What do you mean, why?
Am I your best friend?
Oh, hi.
Hello.
Excuse me?
Ivan.
- Okay, yeah.
- Oh.
I think you may have
come into the wrong room?
Uh, the wrong...
I think you may have
come into the wrong room.
Mr. Ivan.
'Cause we're-- we're stay--
[snorting]
[spits]
[snoring]
Good morning, my dear.
Did you sleep well?
Weirdly, no.
Me neither.
But I got inspired.
I drew something for you.
Cool.
Please, have some breakfast
and then I planned
a little trip for us.
- What kind of trip?
- I promise
that you will like it.
And we'll be back in time
for Adam and Bav.
- [snoring]
- [rooster crows]
[groaning]
[Adam] Get off.
Get off of me!
Oh, shit, sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
Jesus Christ,
you weigh a ton!
It's just the Christmas weight.
Christmas weight, it's July!
Alright, I haven't
shed it yet, alright.
Don't body shame me!
Jesus, Bav.
- What?
- Do you have a boner?
It's a morning boner.
It's not for you,
don't flatter yourself, mate!
At least that weirdo's gone
and didn't kill us in the night.
Hey, Bav!
By the time I get back
from the bathroom
I want that thing gone.
[Ivan sniffs]
What the hell?
Okay, well, thank you
so much for having us.
- Really appre--
- [blows raspberry]
- Oh?
- [sputtering]
Yeah, uh...
[spits]
Yeah.
And, uh, it was
a very pleasant stay, and...
[spits]
So thank you.
Yeah, okay, thank you!
[spits]
[door closes]
- [Bav] Adam, Adam!
- Okay.
- Bav?
- Great news!
I've got Ivan
to take us to the drop off.
- Really, that's great news?
- It's better than walking.
I guess. How'd you get him
to agree to that?
I told him you were gonna
give him 500 euros.
- Okay? Come on, let's go!
- Five hundred euros?
How'd you get--
How'd you get to 500 euros?
[Bav] I started on 800,
I hammered it down.
Hey, Ivan, how's it going?
Thank you, okay,
maybe we can talk about the...
There's no front seat, huh?
Really?
This was 500 euros?
This car's not worth
500 euros!
[groans] What is that smell?
I can't breathe.
I think it's coming from this.
Hey, it's Ivan's
shitty underpants.
Oh, God. Why would he have a bag
of shitty underpants?
Ooh.
- [engine starts]
- [loud rock music
playing on stereo]
Um...
This place is closed.
Not for me.
[dramatic music playing]
Really?
[rock music continues]
[Adam] Ivan!
- Ivan!
- What?
Can you please
turn the music down?
[music stops]
Thank you.
Adam, I had a really
weird dream last night.
- I don't know
if I should tell you about.
- Don't tell me then.
- But I feel like
you should know.
- Okay then.
I just don't wanna
hurt your feelings though.
Fine, so don't tell me.
Yeah, but then I feel like
I'm holding stuff back from you,
and you know
we don't have secrets.
Bav, just tell me
or don't tell me.
I really don't give a fuck.
- Alright, I'll tell you.
- God.
So, last night,
I had a dream about Sarah.
And Giorgio was shagging her,
from behind.
I mean, he was giving her
proper seeing to.
Then, all of a sudden,
she started asking for me.
Jesus Christ.
And I didn't wanna join in,
I really didn't,
but Sarah absolutely insisted.
And then me and Giorgio
were both doing her
in every way imaginable,
and that's why I had
that boner this morning.
For fuck's sake, Bav.
What the hell
is wrong with you?
Well, I can't control my dreams.
- I--
- Sorry!
But don't tell me about them!
Just keep 'em private.
[classical music playing]
Wow!
No one had to be killed
for this to happen, right?
No.
Good.
[clears throat]
God, I love Tintoretto.
Does Adam
share your love of art?
He tries, but, not really.
What does he do for a living?
He's a marketing manager.
Is that exciting?
Exciting?
I guess not, but at least
he's not a fucking criminal.
[rock music playing]
I need to use the toilet, da?
[grunts]
Oh!
- [groans]
- [Bav] Oh, God.
[exhales]
That's pungent!
Hey, listen, bro, I just...
You know when we do the drop,
if anything happens to us--
- Don't talk like that, Bav.
- No, no, no,
I'm just saying,
like, if they kill us
or they chop our heads off
or anything,
I just want to let you
to know that, like,
I couldn't have asked for
a better best friend.
Okay, well, good to know.
Anyway, nothing's gonna happen.
We're just gonna
give them the drugs,
take the money and that's it.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Although...
Although?
You should--
you should probably know that
there might be a...
slight problem with the drugs.
What slight problem
with the drugs?
So, you know, when I was
having a bath yesterday,
and I was,
like, you know, trying to
get all the drug packaging--
some of the water
seeped into the drug packaging,
and some of it, it's...
quite a lot of it's...
quite fucked.
What?
Sorry, it-it...
It kinda....
Yeah, I'm really sorry,
it's kind of like
mixed with the water
it's kinda turn it into like
a weird kind of mush.
- What the fuck, Bav!
- I'm sorry!
- What the fuck!
- Your half is still okay!
- Yeah, but we need all of it!
- Okay, it's fine--
What are we going to do?
What are they gonna say
- when they see this?
- I've thought about it.
- What have you come up with?
- Nothing, I've just
thought about it!
- Oh, my God!
- Relax, relax,
I'll take care of it!
Oh, yeah, you're--
you're gonna take care of it?
I'll handle it!
Stop being so fucking neurotic!
Oh, I'm being neurotic?
Yeah, you big,
fucking neurotic freak!
[upbeat music playing]
Don't...
Don't even think about it!
Don't do it!
Oh, my God,
are you kidding me?
- [groans]
- Yeah, it hurts!
Hey, hey!
- [yelling]
- [laughing]
Hey, what are you doing?
Stop!
Stop! Stop it!
Are you using the good stuff?
I might have been.
What, are you fucking crazy?
Well, you fucking started it!
Oh, did I? Sorry.
How was your shit?
Let's go.
[Adam] Well, now we are
completely fucked.
- [Bav]
You're the one who threw it.
- [Adam] Shut up, just shut up.
My mother used to take me
to see all
the Renaissance artists.
If things had been different,
I might have been a painter.
Why didn't you?
My father wanted me to
take on the family business.
And you couldn't say no to him?
He's not an easy man
to say no to.
Must be hard having your life
controlled like that.
You might have
all the money in the world,
but if you
don't have the freedom
to be who you wanna be,
what good is it?
Come, I have
another surprise for you.
[exclaims]
What the absolute fuck.
This is my favorite place
in all of Venezia.
Do you like it?
How could I not like it?
It's phenomenal.
By the way, I spoke to
the curator of the gallery.
Anything you want
for your exhibition in London,
it's yours.
Why are you doing all this?
Just want to make up
for everything that's happened.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a quick phone call
to make.
[speaking Italian]
[Bav] I don't like
the look of this place.
Maybe we should go home.
[Adam] And what about Sarah,
we just leave her with Giorgio?
[Bav] Adam, you know what,
you can just get another wife,
you can find someone else.
[Adam]
Bav, we are going in there
to deliver the drugs
and get the money.
[groans]
[sniffing]
Oh, fuck.
- Come on, then.
- You want me to come, as well?
Yeah, of course, you're coming!
You're the whole fucking reason
we're in this mess.
Maybe you take Ivan instead.
What, why would I take Ivan?
We kinda look the same
and, you know, he's...
he's got less to lose than me.
Bav, get the fuck
out of the car.
Alright!
Fuck!
Oh, fuck.
Ivan, just wait here,
we'll be, like,
- five minutes, alright?
- [Ivan] Da.
Oh, fuck.
This is fucking nuts, man.
How the fuck are we
gonna convince those guys
to take that bag of shit?
It's alright.
We've still got some of it.
I think it's gonna be alright.
You know what,
I feel weirdly
confident about this.
Yeah, you feel confident
because a ton of that cocaine
went up your nose.
Oh, Jesus Christ, it's the guy.
- Just act normal.
- Yeah.
Hello, we were sent by Giorgio.
Giorgio sent us.
My God, what is this place?
It's alright,
it's going to be okay.
It's going to be alright.
[speaking Slovenian]
Maybe we should just come clean.
Shh, I've got a plan,
just relax.
Just let me-- let me take this,
let me lead.
- What are you gonna say?
- Let me lead!
- What are you gonna say?
- Chill, just chill.
Stop being cool...
You got the stuff?
Yeah. I've got the stuff.
But, can I just
ask you a question?
- Do you really need
all this cocaine?
- What?
I mean, you know what
this does to people, right?
You know it ruins
people's lives.
Yeah?
I mean, and for what?
For money?
For a new car?
Shiny new gun?
- I mean...
- What are you doing, man?
You can make a change
in your life right now.
When you were a little bambino,
did you say, "When I grow up,
I wanna be a gangster?"
- No, I wanted to be a soldier.
- Yes!
You see, that is
a noble profession.
That's because
I wanted to kill people.
[both] Ah.
Now, give me bag.
Give him the bag, Bav.
Give me bag.
Give him the bag, Bav.
I don't want to
give you the bag.
Give me the fucking bag!
Yeah, sure.
Okay, so....
- What is this shit?!
- [Bav] Okay, okay,
let me explain,
that's the new--
The new cocaina on the street,
- all the kids are doing it.
- [Adam] Chocolate sprinkles.
That's cocaina 2.0--
they call it chocolate chip.
- That's right.
- It has pieces of black...
- Chocolate chips...
- ...chocolate chips...
You are gonna make
so much money off--
We tried some,
it's really good shit.
It's like-- I rubbed it all--
It was really, good stuff.
- You want to fuck me?!
- Fuck you?
- We don't want to fuck you.
- No, absolutely not, sir.
We do not wanna fuck you.
We just had a little mishap,
and we're doing the best we can
to salvage the situation.
So, here's-- let me explain.
My friend, right,
he got some of that coke wet,
'cause it was--
Long story, right?
You threw it,
he threw it at me.
- No, well, we didn't--
- He threw the coke--
- No, don't blame me now..
- Just-- don't...
- [gun cocks]
- Don't blame me now.
- Shut up!
- Okay, okay.
[tense music playing]
Oh, God, please, please.
- Please!
- [whimpering]
[Adam] Okay.
[police yelling in Italian]
[groans]
[gasping]
Oh, fuck!
What the fuck was that?
I think I can see Ivan's car.
Come on!
No, no, no, no!
We need to get the money!
What the fuck
you talking about money?
It's a fucking warzone
out there!
We need to get the money
for Giorgio
so that he'll let Sarah go!
That's the fucking coke
in your system!
Come on, let's fucking go!
[yelling]
[rapid gunfire]
[Bav] Adam!
Come on!
Hurry up!
Adam!
Oh, my fucking God!
That was fucking amazing!
Come on, let's go!
You've been shot.
- You've been shot!
- Oh, fuck!
Don't worry,
I'll suck the bullet out.
What, what? Why?
[groans] I think it just
grazed you, you lucky bastard.
I really wish
I hadn't done that now.
- Okay, we gotta go.
- Okay.
- Come on, now, let's go.
- Alright!
[groans] Oh, come on,
I can't get through!
- It's the Christmas weight!
- Come on, now.
- [grunts]
- Get it through there, buddy!
Come on!
Come on!
- [yells]
- Go, go, go, go, go! Come on!
Bav?
- Oh, my God, Bav!
- [groans]
Oh, my God, are you okay?
- [groans]
- Sorry!
Go!
Go, go, go, go, go!
- Come on! Come on!
- It's too much!
- What are you doing?!
- It's too much!
- Why are you stopping?
- I can't!
- Stop, what are you doing?!
- Go on, leave me.
What the fuck are you doing?
Come on!
- Goddamn it! Oh, my God!
- It's too much!
It's too much!
[rock music blaring]
[grunting]
[dramatic music playing]
Oh, shit!
[yells]
Oh, God!
He's shooting!
Step on the fucking gas!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Oh!
- [grunts]
Oh! Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Go, Ivan, go.
[Bav groans]
We did it.
- We actually did it.
- Yes, we did!
We fucking did it, bro!
[Adam laughs]
- [Bav] Oh, God.
- [Adam] Oh, God.
Ivan? To Venice!
I had a few dresses brought in
in case you
wanted to change for dinner.
Only if you want, of course.
[speaking Italian]
For fuck's sake.
[dramatic music playing]
Alright.
Hey, thanks so much, Ivan.
And, uh, you know, just...
good luck with all
the life stuff.
Thank you, my friend.
Thank you.
Let's go, Bav.
Bring the bag.
Yep.
Bye, Ivan!
Good luck, good friend!
- Okay, ready?
- Yeah.
What the fuck is that?
I've taken Ivan's
shitty underpants.
Ivan!
Ivan!
Ivan, wait!
Wait, please!
[rock music playing over stereo]
Wait!
Fuck!
[scoffs]
You absolute fuckwit!
What are we
supposed to do now, huh?
Adam, I'm so sorry,
mate, honestly.
I mean,
what's your suggestion, man?
Maybe we
should just give Giorgio
Ivan's bag
of shitty underpants.
I don't think he's gonna want
Ivan's bag
of shitty underpants.
Of course he's not gonna want
Ivan's bag
of shitty underpants.
Why would he want...
Adam, mate! Sorry!
Adam!
Adam, mate!
Adam!
Adam, mate! Adam, mate!
We can sort this out, come on!
We always do,
we're the Inseparables!
You think that's a good thing
for me, Bav?
Us being the Inseparables,
do you think
that, that is
a good thing for me?
- Well, isn't it?
- No, it's not. It's not.
Being in the Inseparables
with you, it's like--
It's like--
it's like a life sentence.
And I'm not talking about
a life sentence
in your average
maximum security prison.
I'm talking about
a life sentence
in a-- in a-- in a--
in a Siberian gulag,
doing back-breaking labor,
while being repeatedly
punched in the face
for no reason.
- You should really
twist your arm--
- Ah-da-da-da-da!
- You should twist
your arm when you--
- Shut the fuck up!
Oh, my God!
You have any idea
how draining it is
to be around you all the time?
And I'm not just talking about
the way you consistently fuck
literally everything up.
I'm talking about the guilt.
I can't do it anymore.
I can't just be
worried all the time
that you're gonna kill yourself.
Kill myself? Why the hell
would I want to kill myself?
You said that you
wanted to kill yourself.
- Did I?
- Yeah.
Yeah, you said
that if you were gone
when I were to get back
from my honeymoon,
not to be sad.
Oh, no, no, 'cause I was
thinking of taking a trip.
- A trip?
- Yeah, I was gonna see my uncle
- in India for a few months.
- Then... You...
Hold a minute,
is the only reason
that you brought me
on your honeymoon
is because you thought
I might kill myself?
Hello? Yes!
Of course, it is!
Why would I invite you
on my honeymoon?!
Because I'm your best mate!
I thought we'd have a laugh.
- Oh, my God, dude--
- Okay, hold on a minute,
so now are you pissed off
because I'm not
gonna kill myself?
That's fucked up, Adam!
I'll tell you
what's fucked up, Bav, this.
Us!
Well, you know what, mate,
I've been wanting
to say something to you,
as well, you know?
- Since when you went to America
you fucking changed.
- Oh.
And I'm not talking about
your stupid accent either.
I don't have a stupid accent.
Yeah, you do!
You can't even say aluminium!
- Yeah, I can.
- Say it then!
Aluminum...
Aluminuminium.
Sad...
You can't even say aluminium.
For the last time, I did not
want to move to America!
Why did you go?
Why did you go to America?
Why did you leave me then?
- That wasn't my choice!
- You left me!
- You were my only mate!
- My parents decided it for me!
- I didn't have anyone!
- It wasn't my choice.
They fucking left,
I had go with them, I was a kid!
And I can't be made to feel
like I have to pay for it
for the rest of my life!
God!
We used to be good friends,
alright.
But maybe it's best
that we accept
that we're different people now,
and we go our separate ways
and you leave me the fuck alone.
What'd I just say?
Leave me the fuck alone!
Don't look back at me, go!
Fuck.
[dramatic music playing]
Maybe I should
just kill myself.
- Please, don't say that.
- No, I mean, come on.
I've got no life,
I've got no girlfriend.
I'm just a massive idiot.
You're not that massive.
It's just the Christmas weight.
I don't even know why I came
on your honeymoon, honestly.
I think the only reason I did
because I thought this is
the last chance
I get to spend
some real time with you.
Why would this be
our last chance?
Adam, bro,
you know what's like.
You and Sarah, you're probably
gonna move away together,
you're gonna have
loads and loads
of amazing babies,
I'll start seeing you
less and less and less...
Life just changes.
But you'll always be
important to me.
Thanks, man.
Right now though
I do need to go
and try and rescue Sarah.
Well, I'm coming with you,
obviously.
We're the Inseparables.
[rock music playing]
[Giorgio] You look beautiful.
To be clear,
I'm only wearing this dress
because my other clothes
were starting to stink.
And because it's
a fucking amazing dress.
- Okay, you ready?
- Yeah.
- You don't have to do this.
- Yeah, I'm gonna do it.
- Ninja mode.
- Ninja mode?
- Come on, come, come...
- What's Ninja mode?
No. No Ninja mode.
Sarah, I'm...
I need to be honest with you.
I think I'm falling
in love with you.
[chokes]
I've fallen under your spell.
And I think you
deserve something
very special from life.
Shh, shh, shh.
Shh.
[mutters]
Okay, great. Okay, let's go.
Wait, wait, wait.
Before we do this...
- Yeah?
- I've got a confession to make.
- What?
- I didn't really snog
the three girls
at the Lake District.
Yeah, dude, I know,
I know that.
I only snogged two of them.
But they were twins.
Okay, it was just one.
But she was a Swedish model.
Alright, I didn't snog
any girls, alright.
I didn't snog any girls.
Do you think any less of me?
No, Bav, I don't think
any less of you.
[classical music playing]
Sarah, you make me
want to be a better man.
Whoa...
Are you nuts?
You-you really think
I would fall for you
just because you are
taking me to an art gallery
and giving me
a nice dress to wear?
Jesus Christ, I'm married!
To an amazing guy!
And you are a psychopath!
Did you just fart?
Yeah, I'm scared.
Would you--? Fuck!
Jerk that grate right off...
- [mutters]
- [grunts]
[Rico] What are you doing?
Hi.
[Luigi] Giorgio?
[door opens]
- What are you doing?
- Sorry.
[Adam] What is that?
[Rico speaking Italian]
How did you get here?
Where's Sarah?
Where's the money?
Kind of a...
sort of lost it.
Lost it?
Well, it's a shame,
because if you lost the money,
then we'll have to kill you.
- [guns cock]
- Wait, wait!
If you're gonna kill him,
then you'll have to kill me,
too.
Well, that's already
what they were gonna do.
They were gonna kill you both.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Please, please, please,
just wait.
Tell Sarah...
Please, just tell Sarah
not to grieve for me.
Okay?
Okay?
Tell Sarah not to grieve for me.
I mean, a little bit,
obviously, but not too much.
And, um... and tell her
to find someone else.
But tell her to make sure
that it's someone
who truly deserves her.
You know, maybe someone
who can understand her passions
in a way that I never could,
however hard
I thought I tried.
And, um... yeah,
just tell her to make sure
that it's someone who will
support her dreams. Okay?
And, uh... tell her
to have kids if she can.
God, she'd just be
the best Mom ever.
And tell her that--
Jesus fucking Christ,
do you want me
to get a fucking pad and pen?
How am I supposed to
remember all this?
Maybe I could remember
the first part about the dreams,
and Rico could remember
the second--
[grunts]
You only get one message.
[Adam] Okay, fine, then...
Just...
Just tell her that I love her.
[Giorgio]
Okay. Now I have to go,
because I cannot deal
with all this violence.
[Bav groans]
Oh, God... oh, God...
- So...
- This is it. This is it, man.
This is it, man.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What?
Do-do I get a message?
Okay, for who?
Uh... for Adam.
- What?
- But he's right here.
He's gonna die!
Yeah, true.
- Um...
- [Adam] What...
Come on, say it now!
- Um...
- What are you...?
Well, I don't know, now.
You can't decide with--
You can't just
pee on the spot.
You've put me on pressure.
I don't know what
to say to him.
[speaking Italian]
[yells]
- Rico!
- Run!
[yelling in Italian]
[yelling]
Bav, come on,
come on, come on!
[yelling in Italian]
[Adam] Go, go, go, go!
[yelling in Italian]
[Adam] Inside, inside, inside!
Let's go, go!
[yelling in Italian]
There's a window!
There's a window, let's go!
[speaking Italian]
- Lock the door, Bav.
- There is no lock!
- What?
- There is no lock!
There's no key!
[speaking Italian]
Listen, you two get out
before they get in.
- What about you?
- I'll hold it
with my Christmas weight.
- You two, go!
- They're gonna get in
and they're gonna kill you.
Oh, shit, okay.
Well, it's better than
all three of us dying.
No, Bav, come on.
Adam, please, okay.
This whole situation
was my fault, okay?
- Please.
- [Rico and Luigi yelling]
Both of you guys are gonna
have amazing lives together.
For once, please let me
do something good with my life.
I'm not leaving you.
But you're my...
you're my best friend.
You're my best friend, too.
We'll always
be the Inseparables.
Now, go!
Please, go, man!
- Yeah, bud.
- Go!
Go!
[Giorgio] Bav?
Bav?
Yeah?
Open the door, Bav!
- If I do, will you shoot me?
- Yes.
Well, obviously, not then,
you dickhead.
No, no--
Wait, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah!
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[panting]
I can't leave him.
I know.
I know! I know!
Let's go.
[Giorgio] Open the door, Bav!
You're an evil James Bond!
Evil James Bond!
[speaking Italian]
[tense music playing]
[Sarah]
Adam, get the gun!
Kick him in the balls!
- No, no, no--
- Giorgio, don't!
[panting]
Sarah, move away.
Move away!
Listen, since the time
I've spent here,
I've seen a good man in you.
I've seen an artist
who just happens to sell drugs
and kill people.
But, Giorgio,
if any of the feelings
you said you had for me
are real...
please, let us go.
[chuckles]
Let you go?
[laughing]
And what am I left with?
No money, no drugs,
more broken art.
Not even any a dead body.
What do you think
my father's going to say?!
Well, maybe this is the day
that you stand up
to your father.
[soft chuckle]
Ah...
[speaking Italian]
Just, go.
[speaking Italian]
Go, before I change my mind.
Go!
[Adam] Bav! Bav!
- [knocking on door]
- [Adam] Bav, open the door!
- Who is it?
- It's me... what? It's Adam!
How do I know it's not Giorgio
doing an accent?
- Bro, open the fucking door!
- Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry!
Dude, Giorgio is letting us go.
I don't know, I don't know.
[Adam muttering]
Thank you, thank you.
Sorry.
Thank you, thank you.
[dramatic music playing]
Hey, you okay?
- I am.
- Yeah?
Oh, God, I love you so much.
I love you so much.
- I was so worried about you.
- I was so worried about you,
too.
- Bav.
- Yeah?
What you just did in there
was the bravest thing
I've ever seen anyone do.
Yeah. I don't know
what came over me, honestly.
I think I went
temporarily insane.
Come here.
- Get over here.
- Come here.
Bav?
- Yeah?
- Have you pissed yourself?
What makes you say that?
'Cause I can feel something
wet on my leg,
and I can smell piss.
Oh, yeah-- I think I have--
I think I have pissed myself.
I mean, to be fair,
I did just nearly die.
I guess that's fair enough.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- [sniffs]
- It is piss.
- It's piss.
- You're smelling it?
Yeah, no,
I don't need to smell--
I smelled it in the hug...
- Oh, God!
- Sorry, sorry.
- It's piss, sorry.
- It's disgusting,
- Again, no need to smell it.
- Sorry.
- Alright, can we?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Let's go.
Maybe get a taxi.
- Nice dress, by the way!
- Thanks!
[bell tolling]
Well...
[both chuckle]
This is it.
Oh, I forgot to give you
your T-shirt.
- Oh, yeah, cool.
- [chuckles]
You...
you don't have to put it on.
- No, no, I want to.
- You sure?
- Oh, yeah, come on.
- Aww.
It was
"Buy one, get one free".
Hey. [chuckles]
- Twins!
- Twins!
[chuckles]
So, uh, where are you gonna go?
I don't know, man.
See where the wind takes me,
you know.
Might check out a few sites,
but...
I'll give you guys some time
on your own, you know.
Some time for yourselves,
you know.
- Alright.
- Yeah.
Well, uh...
take care of yourself.
Take care of yourself,
too, mate!
Oh. [chuckles]
We'll always be
the Inseparables.
It's alright.
Oh, and Sarah...
don't miss me too much
on your honeymoon.
[chuckles]
I'll try not to, Bav.
Well, it hasn't been
the honeymoon I had
planned in my head,
but it's definitely
been memorable.
Do you mind taking
the, um, shirt off?
- Oh, yeah, of course.
- [chuckles]
Better?
[upbeat music playing]
- [gasps]
- Oh!
Oh, my God! I'm so--
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry! Oh, sorry.
Are you okay?
I'm sorry.
Your-your face!
It's-it's so familiar...
Hold on a minute,
are you a porn star?
Yes.
Really?
[speaking Italian]
[laughs] Joking.
[speaking Italian]
- Uh... fake!
- No, it's not fake,
this is 20 euro!
- [both laughing]
- Funny!
- I'm, Bav, nice to meet you.
- Anna.
Are you walking this way?
- Um...
- Yeah.
We walk together, maybe?
Okay.
- Yeah? Okay.
- [speaking Italian]
Do you like karate?
Karate?
[karate noises]
Oh, you do the twist, as well!
Same!
[upbeat music playing]
[engine shuts off]
[sighs]
[birds chirping]
[upbeat music playing]
- [Bav] My dream girl?
- [Adam] Yeah, who's that?
Well, I don't got one,
but if I had a dream girl
it'd be someone
who understands me, you know,
someone... we'd be like a team,
Someone who supports me,
who loves me.
Who loves me for me, you know?
Someone, like, you know,
maybe dark hair, you know.
Someone who...
I've been in love with
for a long time.
Will you marry me?
- Oh, are you joking?
- Yeah, no, this is real.
[all cheering]
Take that one off.
I'm shaking.
Oh, my God, what the fuck?
Oh, my God, are you joking?
[cheering]
Alright, back to work!
[laughs]