The House Next Door: Meet the Blacks 2 (2021) Movie Script

1
[]
ALLIE:
So stick with me here.
I know y'all came to see
a comedy about the Blacks,
everyone's favorite family
with the perfect daughter
that somehow survived
Terror Night.
You didn't sign up to see
some Egyptians open an evil box
and a bat flap his ass
across an Indiana Jones map.
Trust me,
it'll all make sense later.
Well, since we last met,
Dad wrote a best seller
based on Terror Night.
But then Dad and Cronut
blew that money
faster than a rapper
at a strip club.
We're back in Atlanta, heh-heh,
and Dad's writing the sequel.
And we were just getting used
to being back home
when this very bat
flew into our lives.
Seriously, pray for us, y'all.
[]
[BAT SQUEAKS]
SNOOP [ON TV]: We're back
on the GGN News Network.
I'm your host with the most,
Finding Nemo, aka Nemo Hoser.
Today on my show,
I got a very special guest,
the one and only,
the author Carl Black
in the motherfucking house.
Mr. Black, what's happening?
Ha-ha, Snoop, how are you?
I'm good, Carl.
How you doing today?
I'm excited.
I got this new book coming out.
It's called Terror Night. SNOOP: Mm.
I wrote it. It's from my heart.
This is my baby.What
makes this a great read
for the nigga sitting
at home doing nothing?
You know, most Black people
know about terror.
I'm forced to tell you
the truth. It's an easy read.
Real easy.What you mean by that?
"There was a Black man that... "
That's bullshit, Snoop.[GROWLS]
Go get my book.
It's called Terror Night, grr!
Yeah. All right. All right.
That's enough Terror Night.
Thank you. Now we got a real
guest coming up on the show.
Make some noise for
the one and only Matt Barnes.
What's going on?
Thanks for having me.
Matt!Who's that?
Terror Night. This is Carl Black.
This book is... Yeah, Carl Black.
You know me.
I wrote Terror Night.
You read that book?The book is crazy.
You're gonna love it.That
book was terrible.
One of the worst books
I ever read.
You must be having a bad day.
It's a good book.
No, it's just a bad book.
Great day.
Fuck you.Fuck you and that book.
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
That nigga's excited.
[OFF-THE-AIR TONE HUMS][SIGHS]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION
OUTSIDE]
[BANGING, BOTTLE RATTLES]
[CAT YOWLS]
[]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION
CONTINUES]
[CLATTERING]
[WINGS FLAPPING]
[]
[BIRDS CAWING]
[FOOTSTEPS STOMPING]
[BBY KODIE'S "MIDEVIL"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
["MIDEVIL" PLAYING LOUDLY]
Hey.
Hey!
Hey! What are you doing?[MUSIC STOPS]
We're practicing
for the Migos' tour.
The streets need us.
The streets don't need your ass.
And stop making
all that damn noise.
Again from the top. Ready?
CARL: Stop playing.
Ready.["MIDEVIL" RESUMES PLAYING]
I'm gonna kick your ass.
Give me the phone!
Turn it off! Turn it off! Dad, come on.
I'm trying to write! JR:
You messed it up again!
[DOOR SLAMS]
[TOY SQUEAKS]Go! Daddy, get out!
Girl, you better stop
throwing shit.
Go!
I peed in that bed last night. Shut up!
[]
[QUIET CLATTERING]
[MAN WHISTLING
"DECK THE HALLS"]
I know I didn't escape the Purge
so somebody
be breaking in my fucking house.
[WHISTLING GROWS LOUDER]
Hey, hey, hey![SCREAMS]
Hey, it's me! Come on, bro.
CARL: What's wrong with you?
Come on, bro. God! God.
What's wrong with you? Hey, man!
Why are you so jumpy?'Cause
maybe somebody tried
to break in my house
and kill me before.
What you doing
creeping around this late?
Lights in the RV went out.
I had to get some flashlights.
Some flashlights? Not just flashlight.
Purge lights. You feel me?
You know about these?
Did I tell you?
You don't need no battery.
That bitch crank right up.
Just like this.
Hey, hey, man. What? What?
Get rid of that janky shit!
Stop ordering it.
Y'all running around here
balling and spending money,
leaving the lights on,
running water,
like there's money
growing on the tree.
I don't have no more money.'Cause
you ain't selling books.
If you sell some books, we can
goddamn sell these bitches.
And why are you broke? How?
Get your ass out of here.
What the fuck, man? Stop
holding me like a side bitch.
What's you tripping off of?
This is the reason right here.
I can't imagine
why I let you talk me
into spending my money
on this shit.
It's part of the business plan. No, no, no.
The business plan is
the reason why Lorena's out
busting her ass
to wipe my old ass.
Nobody wants to hear about me
moving back
into my old neighborhood
with my cousin living in an RV
in the back of my house.
[THUD, CLATTERING][WOMAN SCREAMS]
CRONUT: What the fuck
is going on over there?
Some crackheads. Next door
at the old Marsten house.
They must be squatting
or something.
Nah, they live there.
I seen them move in,
but the crazy part is,
all the windows are boarded.
They only come out at nighttime.
Yeah.
Who would move in a place
with a house
that's boarded up like that?
And when did they move in?
They got in like a week ago. What the fuck?
WOMAN [OVER RADIO]:
Snitch, where you at?
I watched them do it.
They moved in, man.
I see everything.
I know you with the neighborhood
watch and everything,
but, man,
it's getting a little creepy.
All right, ladies, in we go.
Your group is here.
[WHISPERS]
Did you hear that?
Shh. That's some crazy shit.
[ENGINE STARTS]
CRONUT: Something strange
going on in that house.
I'm gone.
[WOLF HOWLS IN DISTANCE]
MAMUWALDE:
You will be mine...
unconditionally.
[]
Baby, I think some new people
just moved in next door.
Oh, baby.
Leave those people alone, babe.
Go back to sleep.
This refrigerator's filthy![MILK SPLASHES]
Appreciate shit.[CLEARS THROAT]
What are you doing here, Cronut?
I had to get milk for my cereal.
I ran out in the RV.[TOILET FLUSHES]
LORENA:
The door's locked for a reason.
Who messed up that toilet?
What the fuck you doing in here?
Eating. What it look like?
You ain't supposed to be here.
You told me
I could come in on Tuesdays.
I'm about sick of your shit.[FARTS]
It's lint wheat. Stay out of the toilet.
There's a serial killer
next door.
CARL: God, this boy
run his mouth too much.
Hey, Carl. Check this shit out.
No leads in what led
to the death of Chante Webster.
Her badly mutilated corpse
was found inside a dumpster
behind Gus's Chicken and Waffle
on Indian Hill Road.
They found that body
right around the corner.
This is the sixth incident
in a vicious string
of kidnappings and murders,
all of which were either
African-American or Mexican.
Racially motivated? Perhaps.
This is exactly why we need to
move out of this neighborhood.
Move? Again? Yes, move.
And when we say "move,"
that means us.
Is you thinking
what I'm thinking?
No thinking for you, okay?
What about
what we saw last night?
I don't have time for this.
Carl, I gotta go to work.
I'm working a double tonight,
so you're on your own
for dinner.
What about what we seen
with the neighbors, bro?
[MOUTHING WORDS]
You better do what she say. Fuck you up.
She paying the bills
around here.
Hey, babe. Don't pay
no attention to Cronut.
He's just a dumbass.
He's a neglected Chihuahua.
I'm not happy here.Listen...
This was supposed
to be temporary, Carl.
We were supposed to be here
until you got your money going.Money...
You wrote your book. It's gonna work.
That developer came around again
the other day.
He can make us a really
good offer on your mom's house.
We can move to a safer place.
I can be happy.
Happy wife, happy what?
Happy life. Happy life.
The guy's a fucking vulture.
Okay?
He wants to move
in this neighborhood
so he can take it over
and turn it into a strip mall.
Do you understand
what I'm saying? Okay?
It's called gingivitis.
Gentrification! Shut up, Cronut!
Stupid dumbass nigga. Once we move out,
who cares what they do
to the neighborhood?
Just promise me you'll look
at this and consider it.
I'mma think about it.
I appreciate it.
Up next, I survived
a hammer to the head
and a boot to the face.
CRONUT: Something went down
in that house last night.
You think that was a dead body?
Would you stop?
It's already hard enough
you got all this crazy shit
in my wife's head.
And no! I did not see a body.
My first instinct say, "There's
a dead body in there. But..."
Mm, but it's a nice one
over there.
It's like candy
I can feel it when you walk
Even when you talk
It takes over me
Yes, I'm dandy
I wanna know
Can you feel it too?
No.
Just like I do
Hey, hey, hey! No!
Why you cock-blocking?
She need me.
This could be my old lady, man.
She's already married.
I've been in the penitentiary.
Let me just live.
You've been to prison
two years ago
for 10 days,
for drinking and driving.
And you're a "gangster drinker."
I'm just gonna go over there
and just rap a tad to her.
What's up, baby? Cronut.
He about to shoot
that midget sperm in that girl.
Bunny! Shit.
Baby, I told you,
you gotta get a new wheelchair.
You got new wheelchair money?[SIGHS]
I'm sorry, Bunny. It's okay.
I didn't mean to snap.
If my penis worked,
I'd make love to you.
I'd hit it from the back. I know.
Marky Mark style
from Boogie Nights.
Hey! Stay off my property!
What's up, Clive?
Shouldn't you be
making up some bullshit
or whatever else you do
you call work?
You know my husband don't like
you guys coming over here.
But I like seeing you.
CARL: What you been up to?
You been rolling around
this neighborhood
or you just been
kicking it around, ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha, funny, motherfucker! Kicking it!
What are you doing,
writing your next best seller?
Who are you trying to be?
A new Alex Haley?
Steve Harvey? You gonna try
to make a book into a movie?
You see Think Like a Man?
Think Like a Man Too?
Sucked!
Pootie Tangblew those two
out the water.
Okay, yeah, I'm writing a book.
When is your next marathon, huh?
You gonna help
tend to my garden?
I'll tend the shit
out of that garden.
Tend more than the garden.
I will bend you over in there...
So I have carrots. I got a carrot.
With a fat head. What's up with that house?
What's up with them people
that live in there?
I know you can't see
with them thick-ass glasses.
Know what these eyes have seen? These nuts.
I've been in three wars.
How you think I got Bunny? The government.
That check you get every month,
she's taking it.
I saw into her soul.Damn.
I see that man
with the 8th-grade body
talking to my wife.
You don't think I see that?
I saw you catch gonorrhea...
Better watch your fucking mouth!
I wish you would. I wish you...
I've been waiting on this.
Why would you kick me in the leg
where I can't feel it? I
know you can't feel it.
You ain't the first Black guy
I got in a fight with.
I can't feel my legs.
Hit me in the face.
[GROANS]
You little bitch. All day, every day.
Listen, something ain't right
at that house, Carl.
They moved in,
in the middle of night.
There's never
movement during the day.
Lazy shits won't answer the
door, had a package dropped off.
Mailman brought it over to me,
sitting on the front porch
right now.
Hey, Bunny! Come get
that package from Africa!
[IMITATES CLIVE] Hey, Bunny! Get that
package over there from the porch.
I wouldn't. You feel that, Carl?
Let my arm go.
[GRIP TIGHTENS]
Let my arm go. It fucking hurts.
Let my cousin... Hey!
Let it go! That shit hurt.
You got
some upper-body strength.
There it is.
Look at that. Africa.
Africa. Wrapped in velvet.
[]
I'm gonna
just take it over myself.
Cronut.
Cronut! Why you give him
the fucking package?
It's like living across the
street from Different Strokes.
CARL:
Hey, hey, hey!
Give me the package. See this shit?
Cronut![INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER RADIO]
Argh! See? You happy?
MAN [OVER RADIO]:
Acknowledge, over.
You got me running around,
fighting motherfuckers.
I can't do this.
CRONUT:
Fuck this, I gotta find out.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, my ass.
Get it. Get it.
[]
What can I do to...?
I mean, for you, gentlemen?
We saw you transporting
dead bodies.
Hey, hey, hey, man.
Shut the fuck up. We did.
You did not see me transport
any dead bodies.
We standing in front of
a chocolate vampire-type nigga.
Sir, and this my little cousin,
Cronut, he's a little retarded.
Slow as fuck. Needs special attention.
He's on Ritalin, prednisone.
Everything. All kind of shit.
This is
Dr. Mamuwalde's residence.
Mama...? Mama who? Mamuwalde.
How you pronounce that? "Mamawoody."
Mamuwalde.
Mamu....Mamuwalde.
Mamuwalde.
BOTH [SLOWLY]:
Mamuwalde.
Mamuwalde. BOTH: Mamuwalde.
Mamuwalde. Fix your mumble.
BOTH: Mamuwalde.
All right. Excuse me.
Your mama, nigga. I am Monty.
I just rent a room here.
And I assure you,
you have seen no bodies.
Pleasure to make
your acquaintance.
We saw you transport them
goddamn dead bodies in the back.
If you don't shut the
fuck... Where you from, bro?
Hey, man, stop! Sir... What?
Mr. Black,
do you have business here?
No, I don't have
no business here.
We just wanted to come through,
make sure everything was cool.
Why wouldn't it be cool?
Excuse me? Why wouldn't it be?
'Cause y'all moving in
this motherfucking house
at 12 at night!
There's people sleeping
around here.
You got crackheads back there
sunbathing into
fucking midnight!
Bye, bitch.
Hey, come on. Get your ass...
I'll drop a dime
on them motherfuckers.
You happy you done made me waste
a whole day on some bullshit?
Just fall back. Fall back for what?
What you gotta say now? You
don't think that shit weird?
How he know your last name?
I'm a famous writer, Cronut.
This nigga delusional. My
book is in Barnes & Nobia's.
Nigga! Ain't nobody reading
your books! Retire!
You're running around here,
smoking that weed,
you're paranoid,
you're smoking 2K, K2,
or whatever the fuck you doing.
First of all,
I'm not smoking K2.
I'm smoking strictly weed.
Second of all, something
ain't right about the house.
Boy was from Africa,
but he had a French accent.
He got a sideburn that curl up,
like the devil.
I'm thinking. We gotta
get to the bottom of it.
We not getting
to the bottom of shit.
You write your book.
I'll just be a detective.
A detective for what? Africa, Carl.
Africa. Are you listening to me?
Southwest don't go to Africa.
You won't help me do shit.
I'm trying
to marry this man wife,
I'm trying to tell you
about these devil worshippers,
and your book suck!
How about that?
[LINE RINGS]
MAN [ON RECORDING]: Shady Management.
Leave a message.
Hey, it's Carl Black.
Just calling you again,
just letting you know
that I'm writing away.
I need that advancement.
The water bill's due.
We need bread, dishwash...
[LINE BEEPS]
WOOKY:
Do you know who I am?
I am Wooky. The one
that survived the Purge.
I can help you
survive your problem.
Are you being bullied?
Do you hear noises at night?
Phone me. Are you sick?
You have a headache?
Are you hearing things?
Malaria? Ebola?
Demonic spirits?
Call me. Whisper to me.
I will fight your battles
for you today.
[ANIMAL GROWLS]
I am Wooky.
Don't nobody go
for that bullshit.
[LAUGHS]
All right, yeah. Shit.
[THUDDING]
[ALLIE GIGGLES
AND BOY SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Allie Black. Yes, Daddy? Yes?
CARL: What you doing? Studying.
You studying? Yeah.Yes.
I thought you was home for fall?
Doesn't mean
I still don't have to study.
You know our family's been
going through a lot of stuff,
and you don't like to follow
the rules all the time
'cause I've been asked you
a whole bunch of times
to keep
these little boys out of my...
Daddy, I can explain... What's
wrong with you?
I know a lot of gang shit.
I thought he was dead!
No, bitch. Dying's for pussies.
I told you to keep these
little boys out of this house.
I sent you to school
for a education...
I had to drop out, okay? You dropped out?
We dropped out. Couple goals.
You and him about to be living
off that little cripple check
every month.
Baby, give me my cane. I'm out.Okay.
Yeah, this don't make no sense.
I don't know
what you going through.
Daddy, Daddy.
Just leave him alone, okay?
You gonna do something, do it.
It's already done.
If you gonna do something,
do it.
Freezee! Daddy,
why'd you do that?
I didn't even touch him. It's all right.
You got it?
Help his arm. Get his arm.
Hey, I don't need your help!
I'm in the ADA.
Baby, you do need help. All right.
You need some help. Okay.[BOTH GRUNT]
Yeah. Lift him up.
One, two, three.
[IMITATES GRUNT]
Fuck you! Ain't nobody need
your assistance.
Baby, go start the car, okay?
We'll be out of here in a sec.
I'll let you know one thing.
My dick may not work,
but my tongue game's strong
on your girl.
ALLIE: Okay. Baby, go. Ask
him for some gas money.
I'll ask him for some. Okay.
[SIGHS]
Thank God.
Why don't you get somebody
that can walk?
[FREEZEE CRASHING]And help you.
Daddy, listen.
Okay, I had to drop out
because your check bounced.
You would know that
if you cared about anybody
except yourself
and that damn book.
He loves me.
[]
ALLIE: He only cares about himself.
He's so selfish.
Allie! Let's go.
Allie!
Allie!
[TIRES SCREECH]
[CRONUT IMITATES BIRD CALL]
Psst! Ack-ack!
[WHISPERS] Carl, come here.
You gotta see this shit.
Get over where?
How do I get over there?
Hop over, man.
[GROANS]
No, for real. Come here.
What the fuck are you doing? Calm down.
Check it out. Shh!
Is that Michael Jackson?
MAMUWALDE:
Where's the box from Africa?
Something really wrong... Hey,
man, don't do that.
Why are you always
creeping up on people?
Don't do that. That's what I do. I creep.
Look, look. Find it.
CRONUT: They just moved in,
and people already coming over.
Goddamn. She got a big old ass.
Hello.
I'm here for Dr. Mamuwalde.
Something ain't right. I'm
gonna tell you something.
Leave them
goddamn neighbors alone.
Leave them alone!
I'm out of here.
Look, I think you made him mad.
He always mad at me.
Don't even trip. She ain't
coming back out of there.
Once you go in there,
you ain't coming out,
especially if you fine.
All the ugly bitches
came right out,
but this... She... RICO: I'm going in.
I'm neighborhood watch.
Oh! Oh, shit!
Yeah. You go right on in there.
I trust you.
WOMAN [OVER RADIO]:
Snitch, Snitch, come in.
[KNOCKER CLANGS]
MONTY:
What can I do for you?
I'm neighborhood watch.
I need to get in this house.
Well, then, please, come in,
Mr. Neighborhood Watch.
You're very welcome here.
Cronut, what the fuck
are you doing?
[SHUSHES]
CARL:
Why you looking in their window?
Get out of them people's house.[SHUSHES]
What you see? Well, first of all,
this house looks amazing
on the inside,
but they're doing
some freaky shit for real.
What? What's he doing?
[MAMUWALDE CACKLING]
CARL:
Cronut! What's going on?
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! What? What? What?
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
What? What? What?
Go, go!
Oh, shit. Why we running, man?
Hey, que paso?
OG. Hugo.
There's vampires, man.
There's vampires.
Relax. Ain't no... Vampire feeds on blood.
But what he really wants...
is to find the things
that you love most and twist you
and torment you
every day of your life.
You're a dark motherfucker.
You be saying some crazy shit
in this backyard.
So, what should we do, OG?
Find out what he wants.
Find out what he's doing
in our neighborhood.
Think about it.
We ain't never seen
Dr. Mamuwalde in the daytime.
You know why? Why?
"And they rise
from the grave at night
to feast on the living."Oh, my God.
Shut the fuck up for a second.
Just for one second, shut up.
You know what?
All that coming to life,
and the dead rising up,
and the Tales of the Crypt,
and the Michael Jackson,
the monsters, all that,
it's a bunch of bullshit!
Did you see the little guy
in the window?
'Cause you think it's Prince
or I don't know
who you think it is.
It's a little pimp in there.
Bitches is getting slapped
over in that house.
Man, I know what I saw.
That was a goddamn vampire.
A pimp live
next door to us, okay?
P-I-M-P. Put it in my pocket.
The reason why he sleep all day
because pimping is at night.
I'm gone.
I'm getting out of here.
I'm finna go write my book.
You done lost
your motherfucking mind.
You need
to sign up for the circus.
Oh, man. Don't invite him in.
What? Only way to keep a vampire
out of your house,
don't invite him in.
I'm gone, man. I ain't...
Yeah, you go. We're gonna
get to the bottom of it.
I'mma do some research.
We'll figure it out.
Just trust me. Shut the fuck up.
What if you live in an RV,
is there any rules there?
Don't invite him in.
[WOLF HOWLING IN DISTANCE][BATS SCREECHING]
[]
[BIKE BELL RINGS]
[SOBBING]
Oh, God.
I ain't got no more bananas.
'Cause this shit is...
Bats. Vampire coming at me.
Nigga, I didn't sign up
for this shit.
Trying to tell on
a couple of motherfuckers...
WOMAN [OVER RADIO]:
Dispatch to Snitch, over.
Do you know
what happens to snitches?
[GASPING]
I'm...
[SCREAMING]
Shit!
This bitch just bit
a snitch's neck!
Come on! Oh, shit.
That was shit. They got me.
[SCREAMS]
Oh, damn. It's over.
[SCREAMS]
You know me as the one
that survived the Purge.
I could survive anything.[SIGHS]
What's going on with your life? Late night?
Oh! Hey, now.
It was the worst last night.
I can explain, though. Can you tell me
what happened with Allie? She called you?
She's mad
because you don't trust her.
No. She had a boy in my house.
She ain't paying rent here.
Be the bigger man
and call her and apologize.
I'm not dealing
with all of this mess.
Speaking of which, did you call
the real estate agent
like I asked you to? Oh, man.
I'm mentally exhausted
from all of this.
I'm having a hard time
writing, okay?
MAMUWALDE:
Lorena.
Lorena.
[MOANS]
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
What's going on with you?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Do you feel it
all over your body?Oh, shit.
How is this happening?
Oh! Oh, my God.
Am I missing out on something?
Oh, yes. Don't stop. Oh, my God.
Carl, Carl, did you hear that?
Hey, you didn't came in here?
[SHUSHES, THEN SIGHS]
Okay, then.
That's what I needed.
ANCHORMAN [ON TV]:
Local authorities are hesitant
to label this a serial killer.
But sources close...Oh, my God.
to the investigation
were heard saying:
"This is some fucked-up shit
right here, my nigga."
Who's doing all these
terrible things to these women?
Oh, my God. I'm telling you,
we need to get out of here.
Can you please call that
real estate man?
The paper's right there. I'mma call him.
signing off saying
hos gotta eat too.Now. Call him, please.
[]
[LINE BEEPS]
Allie, this is my 17th message.
Please call me back, okay?
I'm looking for you.
I'm worried about you.
Call me back.[DOOR HANDLE RATTLES]
Hey.
Listen, I'm not letting you
in my house
so you can tell them same
ghost stories...
You need to see this for real.
WOMAN [OVER RADIO]:
Do you read me?
Look like a busted bike to me.
No, look. This Rico bike.
They done kidnapped Rico, bro.
Dispatch to Snitch, over.
He don't go nowhere
without this bike.
His license suspended. He got
no choice but to ride this bike.
Look, Rico is a grown man
who done looked in the mirror
and realized
he ain't got no business
being 50 years old
on a tricycle.
CRONUT: Or the vampires
could have got him.
Dispatch to Snitch, over.
CRONUT:
Rico saw something last night.
I bet them vampires
snatched his ass up.
Snitch, what is your 411?
That's Freezee's car.
He in there pimping my daughter!
[]
The sun's setting.
The vampire's about to wake up.
Don't invite him in.
BLACULA [ON TV]:
Imbecile!
Damn it, man.
You scared the hell out of me.
Who the hell
you calling an imbecile?
Listen, you take your hands
off of me. I don't know you.
[SCREAMS][BLACULA GROWLS]
Boop! Aah!
Stop playing! Ha-ha, got you.
You little bitch!
[RICO GROWLING SOFTLY]
But for real, this is crazy.
What is we doing?
I know Allie's in this house.
Allie! These maniacs kidnapped Rico.
And you banging on the door?
I've been calling Allie all day,
and she ain't answer the phone.
Relax. Allie!
Aah! What the fuck? Can
I help you, gentlemen?
My daughter's in there, man.
Give me my daughter back.
This is crazy.
You got the Halloween shit
going on? That's my daughter.
I'm sure I don't know
what you mean, neighbor.
The car is in the back.
I've been looking
for my daughter all day.
Your pimping gonna stop.
God don't like ugly, man.
Mr. Black, your daughter
is not in this house.
[GROANS]
Can I come in the house?[SIGHS]
The doctor will not be here
until later.
I wonder why.
You got dead bodies in there
you don't want us to see?
But if you'd like to come in,
you will find out, in fact,
that your daughter is not
in this house.
We can come in and search...?
Mr. Black, please.
That's what you want us to do? Please.
[DOOR CREAKS]
Be my guest. You want some real niggas...
MONTY: Enjoy yourselves.
Go....to come in your house?
[GROWLS]
Jeez, stop.
CARL:
Allie!
Allie.
What the...?
Carl, look at this shit. What?
[]
CARL:
That shit look crazy, man.
What the fuck
is that dog thing right there?
Mr. Black! Hey! Shit!
What the fuck is going on?
Don't touch these dolls.
What is wrong with you?
These are very, very expensive
West African voodoo totems.
The doctor is a collector. CARL: Allie!
Allie!
Allie! Aah![KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Is my daddy in here? Please come in, Allie.
Carl. Come here.
What? Guess who come in.
Dad, what are you doing here?
What are you doing?
Where your ass been at?
What the hell's going on?
Why are you
in these nice people's house?
These people ain't nice.
This is a pimp's house.
This is a nice house. Oh, my God.
This is crazy.
Look, he's been putting crazy
stories in my head about you.
The car's in the back... See, I knew
you were gonna be tripping
when you found out.
God. Found out what?
Just gotta tell you.
I'm just gonna say it.
I'm moving out. Moving out where?
Me and Freezee are
gonna get married,
and we're gonna
make a life together.
I will take my belt off
and tear your ass up.
Daddy, I can make my own
choices. It's called feminism.
MAMUWALDE: Oh, I know all
about liberating some women.
You hear that? ALLIE: Yeah.
[]
Let me introduce Dr. Mamuwalde!
[GONG CLANGS]
Dr. Mamuwalde![CLANGS]
Dr. Mamuwalde![GONG CLANGS]
Dr. Mamuwalde![GONG CLANGING]
Dr. Mamuwalde!
Dr. Mamuwalde!
So beautiful.
MONTY:
Dr. Mamuwalde!
Dr. Mamuwalde!
Dr. Mamuwalde!
Is that a Black,
bite-sized Hugh Hefner?
MONTY:
Dr. Mamuwalde!
Dr. Mamuwalde!
Dr. Mamuwalde! All right, man.
Monty, I told you, three times.
Yeah, nigga, damn.
Every day is a struggle,
but every night is a feast,
you feel me?
Carl Black, show me some love.
I can give you some
from right here.
I can't come over
and give up no love, shit.
That... Mm-mm.
Welcome to my humble abode,
Carl Black.
How the fuck
do you know my name?
That's what's crazy.
You been on my IG page?
Oh, I've had
my third eye on you.
If it was about that shit
the other night, I ain't got...
The doctor is a fan
of your book, Mr. Black.
Ooh! Shit!
And doo-doo is
a fan of your mouth.
ALLIE: Dad. Wow! You know my book?
I told you,
you gotta get back in there.
He's in a tough spot right now.
He's in a artistic bind.
I'm trying to write a new book.
The first one was good.Yeah.
The second one. I'm trying
to do the second one.
Gotta be off the chain. It's
a fine piece of literature.
The shit was
a modern-day classic.
Dr. Mamuwalde, what type
of medicine you practice, bro?
I practice the type of medicine
for those with
a particular affliction.
Take two of these
and call me in the
morning.[TAPS CANE, WINGS FLAP]
Oh, this.
Bless his name. I knew you was a pimp.
Oh, such harsh language,
Mr. Black.
I am a purveyor and provocateur
of fine-ass bitches
and high-priced pleasure.
I know what I'm looking at
when I see it.
Wait a minute,
little George Jefferson.
We ain't doing no provocative
nothing around here.
This is my daughter.
Ain't nothing going up in there
but a tampon.
Daddy.Mr. Black, I assure you,
I may be a pimp,
but I am no monster.
[SCOFFS]
Matter of fact,
to prove my point, allow me.
A mind is
a terrible thing to waste.
This is for your education. Really?
No! Oh! Daddy!
No! We ain't raising
no thots around here!
We ain't doing no thotting!
But we need the money.
We ain't getting money that way!
We selling books around here,
not pussy!
The Black man has yet again
said no to education.
Fuck you! Come on.
Get out. You always yell at people.
Fuck you, Mr. Mamuwalde.
Thank you, nice man!
Well, let me just say I'm
having a soiree tomorrow night,
and I would be honored
if you would join me.
I'm expensive.
Tomorrow night is the soiree.[TAPS CANE]
Oh! Oh, oh.
Save them for me.
We expect to be seeing you.
You always do this, Daddy.
Why wouldn't you let
that pretty man help me?
Dolemite was trying
to get in your panties.
We don't need his money.No.
We don't need the money.
I need the money, Dad.
I just wanna get my education
so I don't end up like you. Like me?
Yes! Just write the book
or get a job.
Get a job, broke nigga!
I got some money
on your head, Freezee.
I'm about to un-thaw your ass.
I'm leaving.Allie.
And me and Freezee are
gonna live
happily ever after. Allie Black.
That is what we're doing.
Let's go!
Allie. Allie! She just
called you a dumbass.
Stop yelling
in the neighborhood!
Allie.
We're going.
Baby, tuck my legs in. I got you.
I got you. Baby! Look at that.
Look at that. Always falling like this.
Carl. Why is she leaving
like that, baby?
We just talked about this. I...
The neighbor next door
tried to give
some vampire pimp money to Allie
for school, and hating-ass Carl,
he gonna take the money, throw
it back in the vampire's face.
And goddamn Allie, goddamn... Hey,
hey, hey, calm down!
Look, infant... LORENA: Vampire?
Vampire pimp? That's what
you're out here talking about?
No, it ain't even like that.
We just had this conversation.
Hey. I'm tired of all this craziness.
Did you call
the real estate agent?
Called the real estate agent.
I left a message for him.
You know what, Carl,
I'll call him.
Just like I do everything else.Uh-oh.
But we need to talk tonight
when I get home from work.
Uh-oh.
Babe, don't do that. I gotta go to work.
She's finna cheat on you. Shut up, Cronut!
It's me, baby! Babe. CRONUT: Yeah.
Yep, she gonna cheat on you.
I'm gonna cheat on you.
CRONUT:
Carl. Carl!
Carl!
Carl!
What?
Gotta listen to me.
You gotta hear me out.
I know
you're going through a lot.
I know your old lady tripping,
your daughter tripping.
I know
you're having writer's block,
but please, bro,
just listen to me.
Go home. All right? It's over.
I'm moving the fuck
out of this house.
This our house!
We can't let him move us out.
I don't wanna hear that.
I gotta tell you this.
Guess what I found while you was
talking to the pimp vampire.
These Rico glasses.
They probably got him.
They done drunk all his blood
and everything.
Stop! That motherfucker tried
to play me. He's going to jail.
Three hots and a cot,
he's going to jail.
What you gonna do about it? The
motherfucker's going to jail
for pimping and pandering. What
you mean, what I'm gonna do?
Police ain't never arrested
no goddamn vampire.
That's shit, okay? Did you see?
He floated down the
stairs.[PHONE DIALS 911]
You didn't see him float?
911, what's your emergency?
[IN NASAL VOICE]
Yes, uh, I have a problem here.
Um, heh, I'm a new neighbor
that just moved
in the neighborhood.
As you can tell, I'm Caucasian.
And there's a real peculiar guy.
Is he Black?Yes, he's Black.
Okay, we'll send five
units.You'll be here in a second?
Right away.Thank you.
[IN REGULAR VOICE]
Heh-heh, that's how you do that.
He's going to jail.
That's the sound
Of da police
Whoop-whoop, that's
The sound of da beast
Whoop-whoop, that's
The sound of da police
Whoop-whoop, that's
The sound of da beast
Hey, hey, hey,
fall back, fall back.
Hold on. I'm the lead cop.
You're a rookie. Listen,
I'm just trying
to have some fun.
I said, fall back. I got my gun.
I'm going to this house
to have some fun, do my thing.
All right.
Go ahead. Handle this.
What kind of spooky shit
is this?
First time being a cop.
This is gonna be a breeze!
Like an old-couple relationship.
... the sky
It's a bird, it's a plane
What's that nigga's name?
Captain Save a Ho...
Come on out of there before
I put a hot one in your ass!
There'll be no gun violence.
This is my first day.
Shut up
and stop being a little bitch.
Captain motherfuckin'
Save a Ho...
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
Two of them up in there,
weird as hell.
Lock his ass up. He got Rico.
Police!
Good heavens,
what is all the fuss?
Oh, a father-and-son team,
splendid.
What may I do for you,
dark-skinned Hutch?
Listen, big fella.
They say y'all been involved
in the kidnapping of the
neighborhood watch captain?
Rico. So y'all kidnap him?
Yeah. I heard you got hos up in there.
Y'all "freaky" freaky, huh?
Not at all, sir.
This is the residence
of Dr. Mamuwalde.
Mama-who?
MAMUWALDE:
Can't a man pimp in peace?
The name is Dr. Mamuwalde.[THUNDER RUMBLES]
Shit. He "tripping" tripping.
I hope they get his ass, man.
Do you mind if I look inside,
see what I can steal?
I mean, see what's going on.
Absolutely.
My house is your house, officer.
Feel free to look around as soon
as you present your warrant.
He tripping.
Warrant? Yes, warrant.
What the fuck you supposed to
be, an expert on the law now?
I'm gonna show you what we do
with experts down here, hm?
What you doing?
Put the Taser up!
You "tripping" tripping!
Uh-huh, bust him. Bust him!
Put your Taser back. Don't eyeball me, boy.
Don't play with me. We
just wanna know if you know
about the whereabouts
of this Rico guy.
Where is Rico? You're the one
supposed to be looking for
whoever you're looking for, sir.
I don't know who Rico is
and you can't make me.
He's lying, man.
"How y'all gonna believe
somebody who's dressed like
Dr. Seuss?" is what I'm saying.
What do you do, sir?
For a living?
Well, for a living,
I take fantasy and dreams,
and I make them into reality.
Let me tell you something,
creepy motherfucker.
You got two options.
Option A,
we look around
inside this spooky motherfucker.
Or Option B,
we gonna arrest your ass,
take you down to the precinct
and ask a bunch of questions.
He's going to jail.
That's what I'm talking about.
I'll take...
I haven't chosen my options.
Oh, we're gonna take him now.
Option A, I don't. Option B...
Take you downtown, Midnight. Wait a minute.
How can you call me Midnight,
as dark as you are?
What? What did you say? With
all due respect, officer.
Well, if I'm Midnight,
aren't you Two Nights?
Ain't shit you're gonna do about
it. Come on. Stop resisting.
They're taking him to jail.
Do your job.
This is definitely
Black-on-Black crime.
CARL: I got it. Take
his Black ass down.
[]
[DISTORTED CACKLING]
MONTY: Officer, I believe
there's been a misunderstanding.
[DOOR CREAKS]
Do you mean this Rico?
Rico, what the fuck
you doing in there?
I'm fine.
I was just in the basement.
They didn't fondle with you,
did they?
They did me fine.
They served me fresh bananas.
From Honduras.
Bananas in the basement?
They done brainwashed
his crazy ass.
They did more than brainwashing.
Something ain't right with him.
[]
[WIND WHISTLING]
MAMUWALDE:
Come to me, Lorena.
Come to me, Lorena.
I've been searching for you.
I will feel my breath
upon your corpuscles.
What kind of cop shit is this?
Y'all let him go?
Mr. Black, you call us down here
again and waste our damn time,
I'm gonna take
your ashy ass to jail.
We "cop" cops.
This ain't no damn joke!
Man, if you don't get
your retarded ass...
Watch your mouth before I stick
these handcuffs up your ass.
Don't eyeball me, boy.[TASER CRACKLES]
Let's go.
Carl, why are you here
with the police?
What did the neighbor do to you?
This is what happens
when you keep
messing with the neighbors.
Why are you blaming him
for everything?
I see you out here too. This is your plan.
Don't put this on me.
We're moving out.Moving.
Without you. How you gonna move without me?
We family. No, we not family.
You're just my cousin
that fucks up everything.
That's family. I'm tired
of you blaming him.
Look right here. This is
what it's about, me and you.
You're messing up.
[]
I can explain. You should be ashamed.
The motherfucker was trying
to disrespect me
in front of my daughter.
I'm tired of you
embarrassing our family.
You owe that man an apology.
Babe.
I don't know
if this is it for us.
I used to think
it was the house,
the neighborhood, your book.
But it's not.
It's you.
It's you and I that don't work.
I gotta go back to work.
So you figure that out.
I'll apologize.
I'll go apologize.
I don't have a problem
apologizing to him.
MAMUWALDE:
Attack and bring me my wife.
[CANE TAPS]
[COCKNEY ACCENT]
This way, Mr. Black.
The good doctor will be here
to deal with you shortly.
Did you change your accent?[WINGS FLAP]
Where'd he go?
What the fuck was he saying?
Wow. It's nice though.
Carl Black. Hey, aah! What the fuck?
Jesus, Buddha, Allah!
Is every place in here creepy?
I thought
I smelled failure in here.
And I thought I smelled
Celine Dion's wig also in here.
You're a funny motherfucker,
Carl.
And I don't just mean that
dumb expression on your face.
Yeah? Well, look, let me be
straight up with you, all right?
Thank you. I don't like you.
First time I seen you,
just didn't like you.
Okay. My wife sent me over here
to apologize to you,
and that's what I wanna do.
I wanna apologize,
but I just wanna let you know,
I don't give a fuck.
We getting out
of this neighborhood.
That's very interesting,
Green Lantern.
But you can't leave just yet.
Oh, yes, I can. Shit.
My lease is up next month.
What's this?
There's something
I want from you,
and you're not leaving
until I get it.
Man, I hope it's my nuts
for these girls.
Oh, no!
My book.
You like my book?
Told you
I was a fan of your book.
That is crazy. It was magnificent.
You like my book.
I like you
and your family, Carl.
And not everybody in my family
agreed with you moving in
next door.
Your wife.
My wife? Lorena?
[SOFTLY]
Lorena.
Oh, no. She ain't...
She ain't into no pimping shit.
She ain't into pimping shit,
and I ain't either.
Tried it, didn't like it.
And my daughter.
[IMITATES THROAT SLICE]
That's off-limits.
You too grown to be messing
with anybody's daughter.
No man gonna let you
mess with their daughter.
She's still a girl.
She's still doing Juicy Juices.
She's not a grown lady.
She don't know what yak is.
Nor does she know
what Grey Goose is.
I had no idea how old she was.
She was my size.
[IN TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT] Keep your
little one, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12
fingers away from my daughter.
Bloo blah! Big mistake.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Don't fuck with my daughter.
And Cronut, he's a character. Aw, Cronut.
You can have him.
Yuck! No one wants Cronut.
You can fuck him if you want.
[CARL CHUCKLES]
He's crazy.
He's the one that think
Michael Jackson and Biggie
and Tupac is still living.
And thinks O.J. didn't do it.
He's got a whole lot of shit
in his head,
and he gave me some
crazy theories about you too.
I'm gonna sign this autograph
and get on out of here.
And what was his theory
about me?
We still don't know why
you moved in the neighborhood.
[]
What the fuck?!
What's wrong with you?
Egad, Carl Black.
Do I detect hostility
in your voice?
I thought we were cool now.
[IMITATING MAMUWALDE]
No, we're not cool.
And you do detect
hostility in my voice.
[NORMAL VOICE] You got a picture
of my wife naked on your wall!
I ain't even got
a picture of this bitch.
Did you Photoshop the picture? No.
No, that's her. I bet I know
what Cronut thinks about me.
Do you know what?
[DEEP VOICE]
He was right!
[ALL GROWLING]
[SCREAMING]
[THUNDER CRASHING]
[SCREAMING]
[GASPING]
What are you doing? Be quiet.
I know what I'm doing.
Dad, come on. Son, I got something
I need to talk to you about. All right.
We got a vampire living
next door. I've seen him!
Hey, that's cool. I think I seen that dude.
What's up...? Fuck is wrong...?
What's cool about that?
Dad, just relax.
Just call the cops.
I can't call the cops.
Everybody knows
the vampire rules.
A vampire cannot come in your
house unless you invite him in.
Did you invite him in? No.
I didn't invite him in.
All right. You're good.
Yeah. I'm cool. Yeah.
Everybody knows that. It's
in every vampire comic book.
Every one.
Oh, man. You got some weed?
Dad, what?
Just leave. Just leave.
I know who got it. No, he doesn't.
He's kidding.
Bro, shut up. Just stop. A dime bag?
JR: Leave. He's kidding. He's kidding.
Go take a nap.
But I do. Be quiet. Just stop.
CARL: I'mma watch you
all night, motherfucker.
[]
Don't invite him in.
[MOANS]
Oh! Oh, shit.
[GROWLS]
[WIND WHISTLING]
Give me the money! Please
don't hurt me. Please.
Aah! Please don't hurt...
[]
[ANIMAL GROWLS]
[TONGUE LAPPING]
[MOANING]
Hi, Carl.
[DOOR OPENS][LORENA GIGGLING]
[DOOR CLOSES]
LORENA:
No. I'm being serious.
I'm telling you,
it's been an interesting week,
and I apologize.
I feel the timing of it all
is pretty, um, special.
I don't know where you came
from, but I appreciate it.
And I think it's important
that we met tonight
because I wanted to apologize
for the other night.
I know my husband went there
tonight. Is everything okay?
Mamuwalde, right? I have to,
um, really get this out
because I feel like I'm having
an out-of-body experience
because I typically don't
invite strangers into my house
to have a glass of wine.
In this case,
it's just friendly...
HUGO:
Don't invite him in.
[LAUGHING]
[SOFTLY] Hey. Oh, thank you.
I appreciate that.
What you doing?
Baby, hi. Hi. Were you sleeping?
What is he doing here?
He's not supposed to be here.
Where are your manners, baby?
This is Dr. Mamuwalde,
our neighbor from... What's wrong with you?
Yes, where are
your manners, baby?
He's not supposed to be
in this house.
I invited him to have
a glass of wine
because we owe him a thank-you.
I don't wanna hear all that.
If not for him,
I would've gotten mugged.
You got mugged? He swooped...
Where did you come from?
How did you get there? Swooped.
What happened?
Fortunately, I happened
to be in the area,
looking for a late-night snack,
and happened
to stumble upon your tastiness.
He's not supposed to be
in our home.
He was not invited by no one!
Under ordinary circumstances,
Carl Black here would be right.
You know the rules. But
I was invited, Carl.
His kind is not invited
in our house.
My kind? Yeah.
That is a racist statement,
Negro.
I'll have you know,
in this age
of divisiveness and bigotry,
we can't do this to each other.
Sheesh!
Yes.
Baby, listen,
please just calm down.
We got a real vampire
in my house,
and you telling me to calm down.
If I had a wife
as fine as yours,
I'd never let her
out of my sight.
Hey, man. What... What you doing?
You can't do that, man.
What the fuck?
What if I grab your hair?
You will not...
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
touch my hair, Carl Black.
You got two Bo Derek braids
hanging on both sides
of your face,
and you're gonna
touch on my girl's shit.
Baby, just calm down, okay?
Okay, that's enough.[GLASS SHATTERS]
Oh, I'm sorry. What are you doing, Carl?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...
LORENA: Ouch! You know I'm kind of clumsy.
[]
That looks exquisitely painful.
Uh-uh! Go in there
and rinse your arm off.
I got it, Carl. Yeah, you cut your hand
'cause
you're reckless eyeballing.
I got it. Dr. Mamuwalde,
it was really, really nice
to meet you.
Go wash your hand.
I'm sorry. Put a Band-Aid on it.
O-positive
we'll see each other again.
Listen, you little, neglected
Harry Potter cast member,
let me tell you something.
That's my princess
and that's my wife.
And I love her! You're not
gonna destroy my family!
What do you intend
to do about it, Carl Black?
Install my cable, motherfucker?
Nah.
I'm gonna pimp-slap the shit
out of your ass, motherfuck...
[GROANING]
Damn, you're strong.
Let me tell you a little story.
[]
I've been looking for Lorena
for centuries.
I first laid eyes
on that fine young thing
in the Caribbean.
Lost her, found her again.
I've seen all types of women
in all shapes and sizes,
but none compare
to the governor's daughter.
We were in love,
and I was finally
going to make her mine.
[HORSES NEIGHING]
[]
[WIND WHISTLING]
You were warned, vampire.
Tonight's the night
that I send your soul to hell.
Demon!
Come, woman.
No. No. No!
They took
the love of my life from me,
and I have been looking
for my Puerto Rican princess
ever since.
Go to hell, vampire.
Die!
[BLADE PIERCES FLESH]
They took my life.
Ow!
Man, that was a cool story.
But the real fact is,
is that's my wife,
and I love her.
And you're not gonna
destroy my family.
You're doing a pretty good job
of that yourself.
What the fuck? She will be mine.
No. No!
Mine, Carl Black.
[BAT SQUEAKING][SCREAMS]
In local news, the authorities
are still in shambles
as they scurry about for clues
in the murders
of these prostitutes.
If anyone out there
has any information
or any leads...Damn.
feel free
to DM me personally
at Jack underscore...
Hey, babe.
Hey, hey, hey, how's your arm?
It's better. Feeling good.
I gotta go to work.No.
What? Why you gotta go?
I gotta work to pay the bills.
Let me pay you for the night.
You can't afford me.[SIGHS]
Listen, I love you. I know.
I just wanna get you guys
out of this neighborhood.
Okay, wait, wait. Call me crazy.
I'm just throwing this
out there.
I'm having second thoughts
about selling the house.
What? I don't know.
Ever since I met
the neighbor last night,
the way he was helping me,
how he...
Hey, hey, hey.
Maybe it's not
such a bad neighborhood.
No, no, no. No! Wait, wait.
He's a nice guy. No! He's not fucking nice.
What'd I tell you
about liking people?
You always liking somebody. No!
He saved me.
Hey!
Relax. Let's put this to rest
until I come home from work.
We can talk about it then.
I got something to tell you. What?
The next-door neighbor? Yeah?
He's a vampire. A vampire?
He's a fucking vampire. Okay, heh.
A vampire. You're crazy.
You're just jealous.
Cronut, let me in.
It's a vampire
that live next door.
[]
Cronut?
Ew!
Aah! What's wrong with you?
Die, vampire! Die, vampire! Die!
Nigga, let me go. Let me go!
Get up off of me, man.
What you doing in my house
uninvited? I didn't invite you.
Why you sneaking up
on me like that?
Why am I sneaking up on you?
This is my house!
Fuck you doing here? I thought
you won't fuck with me no more.
What you want? Why you got them glasses on?
Why you care?
You don't like them?
They don't go with my 'fit? Nah.
What you want?
Shit. I... Well, I just...
Hey, man, look.
All right. You was right.
We do have a creature
living next door to us.
It's a real vampire, man.
I seen his teeth!
I thought you was lying
at first, but he's real.
He already got Allie.
I don't want him to get my wife.
And? And that's about the closest
to an apology you gonna get.Hmm.
I've been doing my research,
and what I came up with?
That house over there?
It's a master vampire
over there. That's the nest.
And we should kill him. What?
We should kill him.
We, we. That's French. We?
Yes, it is we.
Ain't no I in us. It's we!
Me and you. We family.[SCOFFS]
Yeah. Whatever.
We should kill
that motherfucker.
Let's bury him in the ground.
Leave his head out and just
kick him in the head all day.
Check this out. What's my name? Cronut.
No, what's my real name?
Mr. what?
Quit playing. Stop playing.
Mister...? Mr. Right.
Mr. Right. You wanna
get rid of the vampire?
Yeah. Trust me. I made a call.
[CRONUT CHUCKLES]
Who is that? Barack Obama? Trust me.
Heh, not quite, but close.
[]
Ew!
[CRACKING]Ooh!
Did you see that African booty
scratcher come out of there?
Yes.
No!
Yes!
Why you call him?
Trust me.
Oh, man.
Have I ever let you down? A million times.
Don't worry.
That don't count.
Oh, man. Look how he dressed.
It looks crazy. Don't go by it.
Whoopi Goldberg.
You smell a vampire? Not yet, wait.
[SNIFFING]
Right now I smell fear. Fear?
And I smell broke-ass-ness
coming from this direction.
Broke-ass-ness? No, you
smell your bottom lip.
Last but not least, I smell...
two bitch-ass niggas.
That's why you called me.
To save you,
like I did the Purge.
You ain't saved me from nothing.
Better take your Black ass home.
Punk bitch, you owe me money!
I don't owe you nothing.
You little-dick bitch.
You pee on your balls. Fuck you too.
I hope your wife
get pregnant again
and I hope
the baby is not yours.
You kiss my ass! Your
mother, your grandfather,
your uncles
are all the same nigga.
I know you work
for that cab company.
Get back in there
and drive that cab.
Carl Black, you owe me money!
Hey, calm down. I got it.
This nigga is pissing me off.
If you calm down for a second...
Don't you hit my hand! Hey, hey, hey.
Look, I promised him
I'd show him some spooky shit
if I record it
and put it on his live TV show.
On YouTube?
Yeah.
You ain't got no followers.
Five hundred thousand
subscribers.
I got a live vampire living
next door. That's what I got.
That's why I'm here.
That's why I brought these.
Hey, put your leftovers
down, man.
You must listen to me
because I am the vampire slayer.
The vampires are very dangerous.
They will kill you.
He will suck your blood.
He could be after your wife.
You have a wife, I know that.
I've seen her. She have
a nice ass. No disrespect.
Tell me about this nigga.
What did he look like?
He's bite-sized,
he's real short.
How short is he? He's short.
He's, you know...
Between you and him,
where is he?
This way? That way?
Under the table?
Pocket-sized. Pocket-sized?
Got, like, a little perm. He
look like that man on the dime.
What dime? The dime.
The dime, motherfucker.Dime. Ten cents.
Ten cents a day,
like what you eat.
Shut the fuck up, bitch nigga.
Fuck you.
If I had a choice
between the vampires,
the devil and Donald Trump,
I would take Donald Trump.
The question is, now that
he's trying to take your family,
what are you are gonna do? Hey, hey!
We're not the vampire.
Don't put that on us.
Don't be a bitch! If I want
to talk to a little nigga,
I go to Chuck E. Cheese.
Either you or you are
gonna help me.
Somebody's gonna help me,
or I'm going up in there
with a wooden thing
and I'll stab him...
I'm telling you.
I'm coming up in there and, rah!
Hey! You guys are crazier
than shit.
Who the fuck is that?
Carl Black, I'm all you have.[GROANS]
You must save your wife
before it's too late.
[ORGAN PLAYING][OWL HOOTING]
[ORGAN CONTINUES PLAYING]
[WIND HOWLS]
WOOKY:
Fellas, listen to me.
The vampire is
very tricky and old.
It has survived many centuries
because he's smart.
Much smarter than your stupid,
ignorant ass, Carl Black.
That insidious bastard is
a master vampire.
A master vampire?
He's not to be played with.
That means he has companions.
Companions? We have a
lot more to deal with.
Get to know your enemy.
I thought I knew him.
How about his crew?
Do you know them?
His crew? What? The butler?
[CHUCKLES]Butler? That's not a butler!
That's his ghoul. What is a ghoul?
This is not the time
to be a bitch, Carl Black.
A ghoul is very dangerous.
What about them fine-ass girls?
They was fine.
Cronut? I liked them.
Those are not
average fine-ass girls.
Those are his bodyguards.
They are murderers.
What? The more beautiful they are,
the more dangerous.
This is getting more serious
than I imagined.
What's this shit?
It was addressed to him.
Got a chain on,
same facial structure.
Don't be a dick face.
Give me that.
[]
[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]
It is nothing. Just some stupid
fucking doll. Put it away.
Are you sure? How we
gonna kill this fucker?
Dad, I got an idea. What?
I turned the Purge bats
into stakes.
If you stab a vampire with it,
it'll die.
Shut up! This is why I'm here.
We have to kill the vampire!
[GROWLS]
[WIND WHISTLING]
[MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY
ON CAR STEREO]
Why you wipe my kisses off
like that?
Baby, you put
too much lip gloss on.
No, I don't.
You do.
Then my shit be all glittery.
Shut up. I do it for you. Use ChapStick.
Whatever.
You cute. You fine.
Give me a little head now.
What? Lemme get a little head.
In front of my house?
Are you serious?
Baby, they're sleeping.
Babe! Come on. Just a little bit.
Just the tip, baby.Stop.
My legs, I'm paralyzed.
That's the least you could do,
community service.
Let me get community head. Shut up.
We need to talk.
Talk about what? Baby, look,
talk with my dick in your mouth.
I don't mean that
disrespectfully...
Listen. Shh!
Listen to what?
Baby... Did you hear that?
The only thing you need
to listen to is...
Listen![CREATURE SHRIEKS]
The fuck was that?!
[SCREAMS]
Oh, shit! Oh!
What was that? Shit! What is that?
Oh, my God!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Freezee! Freezee!
[ALLIE SCREAMING]That was Allie.
Time to get the fuck out.
What just happened? I don't know.
I just heard screams.
He made the first move.
He has taken your daughter.
So fucked up. I didn't know
they had Allie too.
I like Allie. There's more.
Well, tell us more.
Say something
before we take your banana bag.
Come on. The vampires, man, they got me!
See that house next door?
They having a big-ass
vampire party up there, man!
Dracula kind of blushing.
They said when it's over,
they gonna kill everybody.
Oh, God!
Shit.
It's all fucked up
around here, man. Not me.
They ain't gonna get me.
They ain't gonna get me!
Come back here! Fucked up!
[SOBBING]
I'm a real snitch!
Those vampires,
they done bit me.
[SCREAMS]
Did you hear that? Yeah,
you saw how he took off?
This is exactly
what the monster wants.
He wants you to attack him
at night, when he's strongest.
Don't fall for it.
What should I do? I got a wife
and a daughter over there.
Just wait till the daytime when
he's weak, and then we kill him.
No! If we wait till the morning,
Lorena and Allie
will be vampires.
[SIGHS]Junior, I love you.
They already got
your sister in there.
They trying to get your mama.
This is a good neighborhood,
and I'm here to protect it
because I'm Carl Black! And I'm Cronut.
We ride together,
we die together.
Go lock up the house!
We need the right weapons
to kill this vampire.
I made a phone call. Who you call?
Mr. Saturday Night. What?
He knows everything
about killing vampires.
Saturday Night? I met him last Friday
at Fat Tuesday's.
Let's go. It's war.
[WOLF HOWLING]
Friends, let me
do all the talking.
I've seen this guy kill
a lot of people.
Don't do no bitch shit now.
[]
Let's go.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
He's the only one
to kill vampires.
He will give us all the weapons.
Just stay calm.
I believe in God,
first and foremost.
So we huntin' vampires.
I'm scared. What you scared of?
This look like the Undertaker.
I may not have what you want,
but I got just what you need.
Oh, shit. You ain't playing.
WOOKY: No, he's not. CARL: Damn!
You're gonna like this.
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, that's cool. I like that.
CRONUT: Alkaline water. It's holy water!
Joel Osteen holy water.
Kind of got
a pineapple taste to it.
Since we hunt vampires,
I got us some UV sunlight.
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, man!
Ha![CARL SCREAMS]
You're Black, motherfucker.
It don't work as well.
Nigga, I can't see now.
They say short motherfuckers
love to get freaky...
so I brought this just for you.
My boy. You know me, don't you? Not really.
Is this real leather? Not really.
I'm wearing this. Look at that. Look.
When y'all really ready to
take out some motherfuckers...
this what I put on.Shit.
God is great.
All the time.
If it ain't a Jesus.
You got a calling.
You put that on.
Me? You put that on.
God gonna protect you.
Got something I wanna show you.
That look like
Leslie Jones' dildo.
Ha![CARL & CRONUT EXCLAIM]
Nigga. Wait, wait, man.
I think he just stabbed me. Stop it.
I felt it in my... Oh, my God. They're cool.
Don't be bitches.
You look like
you know what's going on.
I know exactly what's going on.
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Nigga, you Illuminati. I see it.
Enough of that.
Thank you,
Mr. Friday the 13th.
It's Saturday. This nigga Friday the 13th.
This nigga's...
Nigga... All right, cool.
You keep doing your thing.
That nigga's
on some Harry Potter shit.
It's cool, for real. I know the nigga.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
Me so horny
Me love you long time
Me so horny
So, so horny
Me so horny
Me love you long time
Sittin' at home
With my dick on hard
So I got the black book
For a freak to call
Picked up the telephone
Then dialed the seven digits
Said
"Yo, this is Marquis, baby
Are you down with it?"
I arrived at her house
And knocked on the door
Not having no idea of
What the night had in store
I'm like the dog in heat
A freak without warning
I have
An appetite for sex...
This motherfucker lit!
They know how to party here.
Gotta find Allie.
Damn that,
I'mma stay right here.
I think I feel good right here.
Me so horny
So, so horny
Me so horny
Me love you long time...
Cronut, go that way.
[WOMAN LAUGHING]
DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: unknown problem
with three people dragging someone.
Neighborhood, somebody. CAPTAIN: Harrison.
This is Harrison. You
guys need a backup unit?
No, I'm good, captain.
This shit making me
a little nervous, for real.
We back down
to this spooky-ass house.
We just left here
a couple days ago.
Listen, I don't wanna be no cop.
I just felt
a piece of shit "drop" drop...
My man is shitting on hisself.
This shit is spooky
down here, captain.
Shit, there's all kinds
of noises out here
and fucking some wind and shit.
I don't got the heart for this.
Harrison, is everything okay?
What's wrong?
You're supposed to be...
You're supposed to be hard.
You're acting scared.
What's...? What's wrong? Harrison.
Earlier you had all the tricks,
now you're acting like a bitch.
Harrison!
Bite the crime
out of one of you niggas.
[GROWLS][BOTH SCREAMING]
[]
I'm not a vampire.
My name's Allie, Allie Black.
I live next door.
If you could just
get me out of this, it would...
Okay. My...
Can you ask Dr. Mama-tunde-wande
to come here?
Damn.
[HEAVY FOOTSTEPS][BOTH SCREAM]
What the fuck was that?
Shut up!
Shut up.[GROANS]
What the fuck is your problem?
Shut up.
[WHIMPERS]
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes.
[CLANGS]
[YELLS]
What? That was a silver, metal nigga.
Oh, God. A silver, metal nigga?
Silver metal.
Not a regular nigga.
CARL:
Metal nigga?
More of them niggas
around. Trust me.
Oh, shit. Whoo-whoo!
[WHIP CRACKS]Oh, God.
Aha
Please don't hurt me.
[WHIP CRACKS][GRUNTS]
Oh, please,
Mr. Baddie Big Black Guy.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[SCREAMS]
Please! Oh, God! Shh! Mm-mm-mm-mm.
It's Cronut, baby.
I got you, didn't I?
You didn't even know it was me.
Cronut! Get me out of here.
Yeah. You as fine
as a motherfucker.
When did you grow up? Shut the fuck up!
If you're second cousin,
you ain't no kin, so we can...
Are you serious right now?
I'm gonna tell Daddy. Oh, shit. Bitch.
Now I know
why the vampire wanted her.
Oh, hell, no! That's my baby.
Baby, please wake up.
Wake up, baby.
Oh! My God.
Get your damn hands off.
Don't touch my lady.
They are trying to kill us.
What the fuck is you
in this shit for?
I was trying to escape.
I was going with Freezee.
Look what getting hot
in the ass get you.
Hurry up and get me out of here.
All right. Let's go.
What? Oh.My feet.
I was with Freezee.
I don't know where he is.
There it is... Stop looking at me.
Shut...
[WHISPERS]
Please come back to life.
Please, baby,
I want some of that pussy again.
I mean, I'll love you again.
I swear, I love you.
Carl? Carl. Aah!
Jesus Christ! What happened?
I had the worst dream.
What did he do to you?[SHUSHES]
I was...
I was trying to bite you.
Carl, what's in my mouth?
You look like Blac Chyna.
Oh, stop! What's in my mouth?
I don't know, but I don't
want no head no more.
What is this, Carl?
You look like a pit bull
in the mouth.
Where's Daddy at?
Where is everybody?
Looking for your stupid ass.
But how we gonna get them?
This is what we're gonna do.
This me, this you.
When I say hike,
you're gonna throw the ball...
No, I don't like that play.
Go right here, 10 yards cut...
Are you playing football?
You wanna get out of here?
This won't work.
Shut the fuck up!
[GROWLS]
[]
[FLOORBOARDS CREAK][GROWLS]
No.Calm down.
Don't you do your neck
like that.
Cronut. Calm down.
[GROWLING]
Calm the fuck down. Please, please.
[ROARS][BOTH SCREAMING]
No! Cronut, no!
Please, no!
[SCREAMS, THEN CRYING]
[ROARS]
Don't you do it.
[GROWLING]Don't you do it. Don't you...
[GRUNTS]
[LAUGHING]
Mayweather. He gave it that... [BELL RINGS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[ALLIE GRUNTS][GROANING]
[SCREAMS]
[WHIMPERING]
I'm a vampire slayer.
I'm like Blade.
I did that. You did what?
I killed him. No, I did that. I did...
Really? I'm Blade. Yeah.
[DOGS HOWLING]
Let's go find your dad.
Carl, I don't feel well.
Where are we?
MAMUWALDE:
Lorena.
There he is! Carl Black.
Release my beloved!
That's the nigga next door.
You don't mess
with a man's wife!
That is our wife.
She is at least on a time-share.
I've been waiting
my whole life for you,
to kill you, you punk-bitch,
little ass, dick-looking bitch.
Who you calling a bitch?
We ain't finna be too many
more bitches up in here.
You better watch your mouth.
Listen here,
Black Baltimore Raven.
You will no longer
disparage my household.
Hit him with that juice.
Hit him again.
Get him! Let me see your shit.
Man, that's mango juice
you're throwing on that man.
Why this nigga is not dying?
Oh, man. That's bullshit.
What kind of nigga is this?
How you gonna kill a vampire
with Visine, motherfucker?
Hit him with that third one.
Punk bitch, die!
[WOMEN HISSING]
This nigga is not dying.
Back up.
Thank you, ladies.
[BOTH GASP]Daddy.
Where you been? Looking for you.
I saved Allie. No, I saved you.
Enough!
Look how you got
my woman's mouth looking, man!
I bring to you
from Africa, Egypt,
Denmark and Dayton...
[HEAVY FOOTSTEPS]
[]
That's Jodeci.
[ROARS]
[INSECTS BUZZING]
No![SCREAMS]
I swear by the black hairs
of your chinny chin chin,
I will huff and puff,
and these demons
will blow your house down.
FREEZEE:
What's happening, y'all?
Oh, my God. Oh, shit.[BLEATING]
What the hell you doing here?
Freezee, what happened to you?
Vampire gang.
We out here "gang" gang.
They done hook your boy up.
Half vampire, half goat legs,
full horse dick.
Donkey dick.Baby...
[NEIGHS, HISSES, BRAYS]
It's on backwards though.
Your ass is forward, Freezee.
They done fucked me up
in the lab.
You're a hairy,
retarded vampire!
This ain't the life I chose.
You fucked him up.
I appreciate it.
At least I can walk now.
Listen here, Switchblade.
You already know
Black Lives Matter.
This is Black Matter Lives.[ALLIE
SCREAM AND WOMEN HISS]
Welcome to the dark,
motherfucker.
Attack! Oh, come on. Come on!
[ALL SCREAM]
[ROARS, GROWLING]
[GROWLING]He's trying to kill me!
[SCREAMS]
[ULTRAVIOLET LIGHT WHINING]
You hit me in the nuts! I'm sorry!
[HISSING]I'm tired of your ass.
[GRUNTING]
Let's go, bitch. Let's go.
[GROANING]
CRONUT:
I've got it. I've got it!
[SCREAMING]
[YELLING]
Yes, ho. Die slow. Yeah, bitch!
Carl! Behind you!
[ALL GRUNTING]
[GROANING]
[SCREAMS]
[BARKING]No!
Aah, Carl! Help her.
I can't move my hands. I can't move mine.
I'm throwing up gang signs.
[]
[BRAYS]
[GROWLS]
[ECHOES]
Finally, Lorena.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[SIGHS]
[ALLIE SCREAMS]
Daddy![SCREAMS]
Nigga is not dead yet. What
you mean he ain't dead?
I don't think he's dead.
Maybe he's not dead.
[]
[ALL SCREAM]
MAMUWALDE:
You know I'm coming now.
Go get the voodoo doll.
It's the only way to kill him.
All right. Cool.Hurry.
Go lock the back door.
Lock the doors.
Can't kill him
without the voodoo doll.
[CRONUT PANTING]
Cronut, hurry up! Hurry.
Hurry up, Cronut.
Wooky said this will
kill the vampire.
Is that it?
Yeah. All right. Let's go!
Oh, shit![GROWLING]
[SCREAMING]Oh, shit!
Okay. Okay. Come on, come on. Oh, shit!
ALLIE: Please. Please! Hey, hey, stop!
Please![JR YELLS]
Aah! Oh, God!
Aah! Oh, shit![VAMPIRE GROWLING]
[SCREAMING]
[YELLS]
[PANTING]
[THUNDER CRASHING]
[]
Lorena.
Come to me, Lorena.
Carl. What's wrong?
He's calling me.
You can kill me,
but you cannot make me die.
[HISSES]
Come.
I will have what belongs to me.
[ALL SCREAM]
[WHIMPERING]
About to go kill Mamuwalde.Okay.
[CRONUT SCREAMS]
[PANTING]
Damn, Hugo.
Nobody calls me Hugo.
What do they call you, then?
Filero.
And what's Filero?
It means "blade" in Mexican.
Oh!
[]
[YELLS]
Carl, no. No, Carl.
Where do you think you're going?
What did you just do to me?
Do you feel that?[GROANING]
CRONUT:
I got the voodoo doll.
Break the voodoo doll.
What? Break the voodoo doll.
Cronut! Release your meaningless life.
The fuck...
I see we don't know
what immortal means.
Break the doll, the voodoo doll.
Break it. Break it.
[YELLS]
[COUGHING]
You motherfucker... Don't you touch me!
Come to me, Lorena.
You better stop! Come this way.
Lorena, wake up!
Lorena.
Take your place with me.
Baby, don't do this. Baby.
We are the Jay-Z and Beyonc
of the underworld.
Complete my darkness.
Come with me.
There's not much time left.
[]
MAMUWALDE:
You don't need him.
He doesn't have a job
and he can't write a book.
I got this new book coming out,
Terror Night.
Ain't nobody reading your book!
My book is in Barnes & Nobia's.
That book is terrible. One
of the worst books I ever read.
I'm not happy here. I need the money, Dad.
Just leave.
Go take a nap.
This ain't the time
for your book!
I don't know
if this is it for us.
I used to think
it was the house,
the neighborhood, your book.
[ALL YELLING]
LORENA: You need to realize
family is the most important thing
in life, not a book.[MOANS]
I'm moving out. You're messing up.
It's you and I
that don't work. It's you.
[LAUGHING]
Come to me now.
WOOKY:
Carl Black, save your wife.
Global warming is real.
[ALL SIGH][SIRENS APPROACHING]
Jack Mihoff,
ANN News Live with the buzz.
So you've survived the Purge.
You and this ragtag band
of pimps, hos...
No, that's my family. Wasn't
no pimps and hos over here.
You've defeated the vampire,
saved the whole
entire neighborhood.
Have you, Black Panther,
Khlo and Bow Wow
ever thought about becoming
the new Black Ghostbusters?
Hunting ghosts? Hunting ghosts?
Uh, I mean...
You don't have to answer that.
It's a good idea.
We could make money. CRONUT: Let's wait.
Don't be a bitch.
Let's make this money.
Yes, don't be a bitch.
Make the money.
And what the fuck did you do?
Look at me. We could make money.
Get the money. Carl, let's do it.
I'm trying to make money.Yeah. Why not?
One more question.
Handicapped white man,
is it true that your
first experience with vampires
was in the jungle in Hanoi
where your troop was ambushed,
you were ravaged,
and your legs were
completely destroyed?
Fuck you, Sammy Sosa.
One thing I hate about
this neighborhood,
all the goddamn vampires.
Well, we would
just like to thank you
for your service
to this country...
Oh, my Lord. His hands are
strong, but his legs are dead.
Come on... Get off me, Carl!
Your wife's cheating on you! LORENA: What?
I see everything. Cronut's gay. Shut up!
No, I'm not!
That don't count in jail.
That's not even your daughter.[GASPS]
No, I'm sick of this.
I'm sick of this.
Come on, Carl![ALL YELLING]
BUNNY: Are you ready? CRONUT:
Give me one sec, baby.
I'm coming.
Lord knows I'm coming.
You happy you ain't
with Clive no more?
But what's taking you so long?
You're rushing me, baby.
You ain't rush Clive.
I know you waited for his ass.
Calm down.
You're gonna get this dick.
Gonna drop some good dick off. Well, hurry.
Oh.Yeah.
[GIGGLES]Yeah!
You see it. You see it!
Yeah! So you ready
for me to drop some dick off?
[BUNNY GIGGLES]
[RV RATTLING][CRONUT MOANING]
BUNNY: That's it?[CRONUT SIGHS]
BUNNY: You're kidding. CRONUT: Wait. I...
Damn, this was a long song.
BUNNY: Wow. You good. No, no, no.
What you wowing for?
Who's lucky now, nigga?
Bitch ass!
[GETDOWN'S
"THE GETDOWN" PLAYING]
The freaks come out
At night
The freaks
Come out at night
The freaks come out
At night
The freaks
Come out at night
Yeah, the freaks come out
At night
Yeah, the freaks
Come out at night
Everything got funny
Once I made a little money
Got my unc stealin' from me
Tryin' to play me
Like a dummy
I really like
To splurge on a nigga
Turn my back for a second
And he purged on a nigga
Clouded herb in my vision
Got that nervous suspicions
The neighbor watch plottin'
With the rottenest intentions
Peek and steady freak me
And I hardly ever see him
That house on the corner, man
It's like a mausoleum
They can smell you
From a mile away
Sniffin' like
A shovel nose
You can't spot 'em
There they go
Walkin' around
Plainclothes
Time to get away
From all these crazy weirdos
Caught 'em on the side
Of the garage snoring Norco
Out of control, man
They on these streets
Yeah, that house on
The corner like World War Z
It's crazy you could
Know someone all they life
And might not know
That they a freak
Unless you see 'em at night
'Cause the freaks come out
At night
The freaks
Come out at night
The freaks come out
At night
The freaks
Come out at night
The freaks come out
At night
The freaks
Come out at night
The freaks come out
At night
Yeah, it's free
For all to see
The house next door
A the end of the street
This is Jack Mihoff
with today's latest buzz.
There has been reports
of a ragtag band
of Negro thug vigilantes
and a Mexican.
Reports have been stated that
they are calling themselves
the Ghetto Ghostbusters,
and they are out
for street vengeance.
Yeah, yeah, ye-eah
Yeah, yeah
Truly
I walk with you
Like a walk on air
And truly
All things change
But you stay right there
Truly
Sun don't shine
Quite as bright
When you're gone
And it's just not fair
Drive all night
Baby, I don't care
And I gotta know
Tell me where you wanna go
What's on your mind
'Cause I got time
No matter when
We can take it slow
I just wanna see your glow
Got me in awe
If you got flaws
I'm unaware
Yeah, and I'mma
Keep it simple tonight
Only goin' out
With the essentials tonight
That's you, me
And a car full of gas
Drip clean
Think I'm finna run a bath
'Cause truly
I walk with you
Like a walk on air
And truly
All things change
But you stay right there
Truly
Sun don't shine
Quite as bright
When you're gone
And it's just not fair
Drive all night, baby
I don't care
Tell me how you feel
Let me know
That this for real
Because knowin' what it's
Like when you're not here
I think I need you
Wanna know the deal
Tryin' to have you
Every meal
Babe, I want the cake
Want the pie, want the pastry
Got a big sweet tooth
Yeah, and I'mma keep it
Honest tonight
Top down, lookin' up
Shootin' star in the sky
But no need to make a wish
When you here
Flip a switch
All my stress disappear
'Cause truly
I walk with you
Like a walk on air
And truly
All things change
But you stay right there
Truly
Sun don't shine
Quite as bright
When you're gone
And it's just not fair
Drive all night, baby
I don't care