The Interview (2014) Movie Script

We now turn to the hostile nation
of North Korea.
The rocket they are testing
is big enough...
...to reach the West Coast
of the United States.
Today, an official of the United Nations
tried to tell the world...
...so there will be no mistake...
...that we are living in the midst
of a modern-day Hitler.
A young, untested leader
with nuclear ambition-
- Kim.Jong-un.
- Kim Jong-un.
We are talking about Kim Jong-un.
Good evening. I'm Dave Sky/ark.
Tonight, we are joined
by 13-time Grammy winner...
...Oscar-winning songwrften
Detroit's own:
Eminem.
He W speak with us about his new album
which has been mired in controversy...
Concerning lyrics
that some view as demeaning...
...to the elderly.
Tonight...
...on Skylark Tonight.
And...
...action.
"IIZS hell to be Shady
Yesterday I yelled a degrading insult
At an elderly lady
Then I asked her haw it felt to be 80
F- word a senior citizen
Suck a Wiener, sit and spin "
- "Suck a wienen sit and spin"
- it's funny.
'%\nd why you drive so slow for?
Don't you wanna get
Where you?e going faster
Since you7/ probably die tomorrow
You old whore?
Die, old bitch, die
Before I murder you"
What do you mean by this, Em?
Well, irsl of all,
I feel like when I rap, like...
...people twist my words.
Okay. But can you see
how an old person might say:
"l think what this guy is telling me,
this Eminem...
...is that I should go kill myself,
and, you know, I don't like that"?
I mean, I don't necessarily rap about...
...the things that I hate.
It's more about the things that I fear.
I get you.
- If I talk about women or whatever.
- Yes.
A lot of that is more or less me
just dealing with issues with...
...old issues with my mom or whatever.
With your mother?
Yeah, or, you know, when I say things
about gay people...
...or people think
my lyrics are homophobic.
t's because I'm gay.
- When I rap about violence...
- Wait.
..or, you know,
sound like I'm promoting violence...
- ...I think that it's more or less...
- What? What? What?
...because, you know, it's kind of
about me just confronting it.
What did he just say?
He said he was gay.
Dave. Dave, we're pretty sure
we just heard him say he was gay.
Em, let's just back it up a moment.
You...
...just said...
...that you were gay?
And I'm just curious
what you meant by that exactly.
I mean I'm gay.
I'm a little confused here
because "gay" can mean a lot of things.
I am a homosexual.
LVleaning...?
I like men
What the fuck just happened?
Eminem said he was gay four times.
Thais what me fuck just happened.
- Holy shit.
- Holy shit.
Eminem's gay on our show
Oh, my God. Camera two.
Gay Twitter's blowing up.
Change the chyron. "Eminem gay?!"
Dave, keep him talking.
Keep him talking.
Push in on gay Eminem.
The greatest moment in gay history!
- are probably shocked
by what you're saying right now.
I'm more shocked
that people haven't figured it out.
t's like I've been playing gay peekaboo.
- Gay peekaboo.
- Yeah.
- But....
- Shit. Camera one.
- This interview is over. Shut it off.
- No! Get out of here.
I am Marshall's publicist.
Pull the plug now.
This is gold! This is the best interview
we've ever done!
What happens if I do this?
- Don't touch my buttons!
- Shut it off! Shut it off!
- Get him the fuck out of here!
- I'm gonna murder you!
Thank you. Dave, look, I got the lyrics.
Say what I say.
What did you mean when you rapped:
"I said nice rectum, I had a-"
"- vasectomy Hector
So you can? get pregnant
If / bisexually wreck ya"?
I've pretty much just been leaving
a breadcrumb trail of gayness.
- I see that now
- You know?
But, yeah, actually,
Hector was a real person.
Hector and his rectum were real.
- it's real! Hector's rectum is real!
- Holy shit. Yes!
- Slim Shady, everyone!
- I knew it!
- Dude, dude!
- Aaron. Bring it in.
- Oh, my God.
- Bring it in, big boy!
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- What the heckjust happened?!
The real Slim Shadyjust stood up.
That's what happened!
- This is like Spike Lee said he's white!
- I can't believe this.
- You the man! You the man!
- You're the man!
- You're the best!
- You're the best.
Listen, I'm gonna go get my makeup off.
I want you to meet me downstairs.
Dude, where are we going?
I thought we were going to the Hamptons
- What is this place?
- We're just, you know...
...just hanging out.
- Okay.
- All right, all right, all right.
t's a surprise party for you.
What? Why?
Why did you just tell me that?
Because I'm so excited!
This is gonna be great!
- I don't understand what's happening.
- Surprise!
All right, all right, I already told him!
- You're the best in the world, cocksucker.
- Not now, Malcolm. Come on.
Thank you. Why is this happening?
You've been with us for 1000 episodes!
- Are you kidding me?
- Ten years, baby!
- Come on.
- Thank you. I appreciate it.
All right, now, I know
we all like to keep it light, keep it fun.
I'm gonna take it to a serious tip.
I'm gonna talk about Aaron
Before we started working together,
my show barely broke the top 15.
So I called this professor
at the Columbia School of Journalism...
...that I was having sex with, and I said:
"I need someone smarter
than anyone in entertainment!
I need a real journalist!"
Aaron, you are...
...the Samwise Gamgee...
...to my Frodo Baggins.
You are the Gandalf
to my Bilbo Baggins.
But of all The Lord of the Rings
references I could make...
...this is the most important:
I am Gollum.
And you're my precious.
Smagol needs Aaron.
One Ring to rule them all!
And in the darkness bind them.
Now, get up here! Get up here!
- Come up here, buddy. I love you
- Okay.
- I fucking love you
- I love-
- Hey.
- Hey.
Jake.
Hey.
Yeah, like, what's that?
Come on, man, what's happening?
- Hey, yeah. What's happening?
- How's it going, dude?
We haven't seen each other
since graduation. Right?
Yeah. Probably.
And, wait, am I wrong? You're
a junior producer on 60 Minutes, right?
- I'm now a senior producer. Yeah.
- No way, man. That's awesome.
Look at us.
Both producing news for television.
Yeah.
- What was that?
- Nothing.
It was something. What's thejoke?
You've got your job, I've got mine.
But they're different.
Yours is cool.
Mine's just a little more serious
What? We have the same job.
I report real news.
You know, stuff that matters.
You report on all the cool:
"Who's getting new boobs?"
And the fun eating-disorder stuff.
You really helped build up
60 Minutes too, right?
- it's only been on for 80 fucking years.
- Look, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't say this,
but we got an opening at 60 Minutes.
- And we could use somebody like you.
- Are you serious?
I'm fucking with you, man. Come on!
You'd be eaten alive at our office.
I'm gonna catch up with these guys,
but cheers, man, congrats.
Or whatever.
When did the hair begin to go?
I would say, around The Outsiders.
When you're ready.
I don't think I'll ever be ready, but....
Oh, wig's coming off.
Oh, Jesus fuck.
Why does he keep the long pieces?
His head looks like somebody's taint.
- You barely look different.
- Thanks, man.
You said you were bald.
I see a little stuff on top.
- So freeing!
- Rob.
Is there anything that you would like
to say to America?
Good evening. I'm Phillip Sterling
with a UBS News special report.
Kim Jong-uns military forces...
...targeted an uninhabited
South Pacino island...
...with a 15-megaton
thermonuclear ICBM.
We're not live anymore.
- They cut our feed,
- Off the air?!
Goddamn it!
Rob, put your fucking wig on.
They fucked us. Goddamn it!
What's going on?
Dude, seriously, what is up with you?
Know how I'm good
at picking up energies?
You're shooting off a slightly cunty vibe
right now. What's going on?
We have millions of viewers every night
and what do we do?
We just shovel shit into their faces.
We could be doing something positive.
We could be having on authors,
activists, politicians.
That's what people want.
"Give us some shit. Mangia.
We're the people, give us the shit.
Mangfa, mangia. "
I wanted to cover actual news...
...not Nicki Minaj's vagina
flopping out at the Grammys.
- You don't like brown sugar?
- Nothing to do with that.
I can't keep doing this, okay?
We have to change!
Fine.
- Are you serious right now?
- Yeah.
- Do you promise you'll do this?
- If you promise you'll never leave.
- If you promise, I promise.
- Same time.
- One, two, three. Promise.
- Promise.
- Okay.
- Okay. That's all we had to say.
- Don't put me through that,
- Fine. Okay.
I hate it when we fight.
No, this is not a joke, okay?
- I think you're being condescending.
- Look, look, look.
One sec.
Shut up, I'm on the phone, okay?
Dude. The fuck, man'?!
That was John Kerry's office.
Forget that oak tree-looking fuck.
This tops it.
The Times printed it about North Korea.
Read the bottom.
After all the death-camp shit.
"Although Kim Jong-un
rallies his people...
...with cries for the destruction
of the United States of America...
...he is known to be an avid consumer
of American entertainment.
His favorite shows
are The Big Bang Theory..."
Arld...?
"...and Skylark Tonight."
This is great!
This is what you were talking about!
I interview this guy.
Are you joking? He's the most
reclusive leader on the planet.
He lives in North Korea.
We carft go there.
Dave Skylark."
...gets in anywhere.
Do you remember that club?
Three-month waiting list. First night.
I don't think
it's quite the same thing.
- There were a lot of Asian girls there.
- it's impossible, Dave.
Here's what we'll do.
We're gonna do that interview.
Everyone is gonna take you
super-duper seriously.
- And then you're never gonna leave me.
- North Korea's in the Olympics, right?
I bet they have an office to communicate
with the Olympic Committee...
...so there's probably some infrastructure
for communicating through that.
- Those wheels are turning.
- If I leave a message for that office...
...then maybe, if they're a fan,
that can actually work.
We could interview
the most famous man on the planet.
Guys, some pictures just came out...
...where it looks like
McConaughey's fucking a goat.
- McConaughey goat fuck?
- McConaughey goat fuck.
We obviously have to have him on
to do that.
So put that together.
But we're doing this North Korea thing.
- First thing tomorrow.
- Book him!
- Get him! Get the goat!
- On him.
Get the goat!
I got some questions for that goat.
This is Aaron Rapapon
from Skylark Tonight.
We heard your Supreme Leader
is a fan of our show...
...and wed love to have him on.
Please get back to me.
I'm about to head into a meeting,
but H! be around in the momfng.
Hope to hear from you.
Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Where to?
- Mercer and Spring, please.
Hello?
Hello? Who this?
- I am trying to reach Aaron Rapaport.
- You got Aaron Rapaport. Who this is?
You left word with our ofiice
regarding an interview.
Look, Dave, is this you?
Because if it is,
you're doing a terrible Asian accent.
Me so sorry. Me gots to go now, son
lam from the Ofl7C6
of Sook-yin Park...
...Secretary of Communications for the
Democratic Peop/els Republic of Korea.
Oh, my God.
Shit. Me so sorry.
I mean, I'm so sorry.
I mean, I'm so sorr-
I'm so- I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
We would like to discuss a meeting...
...between the Supreme Leader
and Dave Skylark.
Security concerns dictate
the matter be discussed in person.
Okay, great. Where do you do that?
We will meet at latitude 40.1326.
Longitude 123.9889
I'm not totally familiar
with my Iongitudes and latitudes.
Where is that again?
Fifty kilometers west of Dandong,
nonheastern China.
Did you just say "China"?
And did you just say "dong"?
I'm going to motherfucking China, y'all.
Excuse me. Can I get in there?
Thank you.
Hi there.
No, thank you. I'll just get it
through secondhand smoke.
Selfie.
Where the fuck are they?
What the fuck...?
No, no!
I'm not-! No!
I'm an American journalist.
Aaron Rapaport.
I was invited here.
Please don't kill me!
I come in peace!
I'm here for interview.
Please don't kill me!
Mr. Rapaport, I am Sook-yin Park,
The Supreme Leader
will grant an interview...
...to Mr. Skylark
from inside North Korea.
All questions will be supplied
by the Supreme Leader.
Terms are nonnegotiable.
You have 24 hours to decide.
- That's it?!
- Yes.
Why didn't you tell me over the phone?
Or Skype? Do you guys have Skype?
Okay, well...'
Look, could you give me some water?
That guy has water!
Please give me a ride somewhere.
I didn't pack well for this trip.
I packed like a fool!
Like a goddamn fool!
Please! Please!
Damn, she was sexy.
The fucking helicopter landed.
I'm in the middle of nowhere.
Two soldiers jump out.
I think I'm gonna get killed!
Then, out comes Sook.
I told you about her.
She comes out. She's hot.
- How hot?
- Super sexy.
- Get in there?
- Yeah, I fucked her.
- My fucking man!
- No, I didn't do that, dude. No!
She said we can't ask
our own questions.
They were gonna write the questions.
We can't do it.
We're essentially letting him
interview himself with your mouth.
Look. Look at this buttfuck!
He's got a whole parade of nukes.
He's ready to use them.
When you score a bin Laden...
...or a Hitler...
...or an Un...
...you take it by the balls!
t's the first rule of journalism.
Give the people what they want.
That's not the first rule.
That's the first rule of circuses
and demolition derbies.
This is the biggest interview
since Frosty/Nixon.
- "Frosty/Nixon"?
- In 10 years...
...Ron Howards gonna make a movie
out of this.
We do this, we can interview
any president on the planet.
And then you can ask them
the real questions.
This is like eating our vegetables.
Once you eat those,
then you get to eat the steak.
And we know Aaron wants his steak.
This is like The Lord of the Rings.
Okay?
I'm actually like...
...Frodo Baggins.
And you are my Sam.
My Samwise.
- I can't do it without you.
- Okay.
Come with me to Mordor.
- Okay. Let's fucking do it. Yeah.
- Yeah?
As always, I 'd like to thank my guest:
Joe Gordon-Levitt!
And before we go,
I have a very special announcement.
With the he-Ip of my outstanding
producer, Aaron Rapaport...
...I have secured the most important
inten/iew of the 21st century.
Three weeks from tonight...
...I will be traveling to Pyongyang,
North Korea...
...to conduct the llrsl
globally broadcast interview...
...with President Kim Jong-un.
I am deeply humbled
and profoundly honored...
...to accept this most awesome
responsibility.
Apparently Dave Skylark will be
interviewing the dictator of North Korea.
Hundred bucks, Skylark thinks
heis the guy from "Gangnam Style. "
- obscene glorification
of a brutal dictaton
This is a man who tortures, terrorizes
and stan/es his own people.
- Sky/ark is beneath despicable.
- Fuck this.
Meow.
What a fucking bitch, am I right?
No, you're not right. He's not being
a bitch. He's completely right.
He's motherfucking peanut butter
and jealous!
He's not jealous.
- He's pulling K-Y jealous all over his dick.
- What is there to be jealous of?!
Fuckers hate us
because they ain't us.
They hate us because we anus?
What does anus have to do with this?
They hate us because they ain't us.
That's not what it is.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
They hate us because we is us,
and what we is doing is fucking terrible.
- They hate us because they ain't us.
- Stop saying that.
- Hate us because they ain't us,
- They don't!
Hate us because they ain't us
I'm used to it.
- They hate us because they ain't us.
- Stop it. Stop it. Don't say it again!
Baby.
Haters gonna hate.
And airfters gonna ain't.
That is not an actual thing
that people say.
This is what you do to haters.
You just smile.
What is that?
The strongest ecstasy
I've ever done in my life
Oh, what the fuck.
Okay.
Okay, I'm coming
Oh, shit
Oh, God.
Mr. Rapaport.
I'm Agent Lacey with Central Intelligence.
And this is my partner, Agent Bolwin.
Yo, Aaron, whoever that is,
tell them to fuck off.
Dave, it's not-
Yo, I don't know who I fucked last night...
...but I got some stink dick.
Yo, my dick stinks!
So weird how you, like...
...just wanna keep smelling it, though.
Yo, you gotta come over
and smell this shit!
Come smell this. You gotta identify this.
I don't know what it is.
Excuse him.
He has stink dick.
It kind of Smells like guaoamole.
May we come in?
Would you like a drink...
...or some of Aarorfs cocaine?
- This is not our coke. This is our-
- No, I'm sure it's not.
So how can we-?
What can we do you for?
- To what do we owe the pleasure?
- Well, Aaron, Dave...
...as I'm sure you know already...
...Kim Jong-un is now capable
of nuking all of the West Coast.
The point is, we're talking about
nuclear nations at war with each other.
Nuclear.
He does have one tactical advantage
over the West.
He's more than willing to let millions
and millions of his own people die.
Explosions. All over my face.
I'm sorry.
We had kind of a long night.
Why are you telling us
all this information?
We're telling you this
because you two lucky gentlemen...
...are going to be in a room alone
with him.
- And congratulations, by the way.
- That's right!
Which is why we're here.
The CIA would love it...
...if you two could...
...take him out.
- Take him out.
- Take him out?
- Like, for drinks?
- No, no, no.
- Take him out.
- Take out.
- Like, to dinner?
- Out to a meal?
Take him out.
- Like, on the town?
- Party?
No....
Take him out.
You want us to assassinate...
...the leader of North Korea?
- Yes.
- What?
Won't they just get another chubby dude
with a goofy hairdo...
- ...to come in and replace him?
- Exactly. Exactly.
We're aware of a faction in the existing
leadership that already wants him gone.
They're too scared to act alone.
And they need you two to go in there,
remove Kim...
...embolden them to revolt...
...and take over.
Are you, Agent Lacey,
going to be involved?
I am going to be in your ear...
...by your side, every step of the way.
Then I have one answer.
No more Kim.
You know what?
I think we should talk about it more.
- All right, we're just gonna go talk.
- By all means.
Just for the record,
I don't have stank dick.
Come over here, come here,
come in here.
Dude. I think we need to do this.
- She is so cool.
- You don't see what's happening.
- And it's so obvious, it's crazy, man
- What?
- They're honeypotting us.
- What?
t's an attractive spy woman
who lures men into doing shit.
How can you not see that?
- Because that is so sexist.
- Is it?
This is 2014. Women are smart now.
You think she just so happens
to have everything you find attractive?
Bangs, giant tits, glasses?
- They're fake, man.
- Fake glasses?
- How could the CIA come up with that?
- That poor girl is blind as a bat.
I'm just saying that when we're on molly
and when we're horned up, might not-
- "Horned up"? Oh, please.
- You are horned up.
You have half a fucking chub right now!
- Take your hands away. I saw the boner.
- I'm not doing it.
Move your fucking hands.
- Fine! You wanna see it?
- Yeah.
Feast your eyes.
I'm gonna go poop out these drugs.
You're gonna go jerk off these thoughts.
If we both still wanna talk about this
aftenivards, we can. But not until then.
Dave Skylark never backs down
from a jerk-off.
In three days...
...you will fly from New York to Beijing...
...where you will transfer
to a commercial airline...
...that takes you directly
to Pyongyang.
I'm sorry,
this is completely unrelated, but...
...what happened to your glasses?
- I got LASIK.
- Between the time I saw you and now?
- Yes.
- Okay.
Now, our intelligence suggests
that you will be taken here...
...to Kim Jong-un's personal compound.
So preceding the interview...
...you are going to shake Kim's hand...
...administering a fatal dose of poison...
...with this: a transdermal,
time-delayed ricin strip.
When you shake his hand...
...the poison will be absorbed
into his skin...
...where it metabolizes
for a 12-hour period.
Nobody will have any idea
you two were involved.
No one will know?
The United States must maintain total
and complete deniability.
- Total deniability?
- Obviously.
What did you picture?
I walk in there like a fucking gangster...
...and blow his little fucking ass away
on television.
This is a major television event.
You don't wanna blow it
with an off-screen death
Okay? Look, in porno,
we call this the money shot.
You don't have a bunch
of dudes going at it.
Then, right before they finish,
you cut to black and say:
"Oh, don't worry, 12 hours later,
they came all over each other."
No! You want them all over, close-up.
All over his face.
The end!
- Bam!
- What kind of porn are you watching?
What happens
when his guards start firing at you...
...for killing their leader in front of them?
- Good question.
- My bulletproof vest-
No, you don't have a bulletproof vest
- You don't have one.
- I will dodge those bullets.
What happens
after you escape the compound?
I look back over my shoulder,
I see Aaron.
I grab him by the hand.
We run out into the woods.
Perhaps there's a secret tunnel there
We exit said tunnel.
At a designated spot."
...SEAL Team 6 swoops in...
...puts us on one
of those inflatable motorboats.
We hit the water.
We're out of there, on our way to you
If you tried to do this,
what would kill you first?
- Subfreezing temperatures
- I don't like the cold.
- Okay, we wear-
- Starvation. Starve to death.
You're telling me the CIA doesn't have
North Face jackets and Pirate Booty?
Cap'n Crunch?
- What about Siberian tigers?
- What?
You're not going to shoot him.
Not going to be a bulletproof vest.
And nobody is going to know
that you had anything to do with this.
That's it. That's the plan
- Period.
- Okay.
Two years later, I come out
with my best-selling tell-all:
An Unexpected Journey:
Dave Skylark's Adventures
in North Korea.
You can't write a tell-all.
We were in an oddly shaped gray room
at the CIA Headquarters.
- The titillating Agent Lacey-
- Stop doing that.
- Why?
- There's no tell-all.
"There's no tell-all," Agent Lacey said
She looked at him.
She trembled with rage.
- Or was it passion?
- Stop it.
I just want everybody to know
that I know what you did to me.
- What?
- With the glasses. Honeycombed me.
- What does that mean?
- You honeypotted him.
- it's "honeypot"
- You honeypotted me.
- You honeypotted him.
- No, I didn't.
He said a lot of stupid shit in the last
10 minutes, but you did honeypot him.
I bet you got him in here as a honeydick,
in case I'm gay. But I'm not.
But if I was, I would've seen him
coming a mile away.
- You honeydicking?
- Look.
She's not honeypotting you.
I'm not honeydicking him.
t's very offensive.
If you think about it...
...you're saying because I'm a girt
and because I'm attractive...
...my only use for this agency
would be to manipulate men.
I think it's offensive too.
That's what I said to Aaron.
I said, "That bitch is blind as a bat."
Could we please move on?
We have a dictator to kill.
When handling the ricin strip,
operate with extreme caution.
Even momentary flesh contact
with the exposed strip is fatal.
The poison will lay dormant for 12 hours.
After it passes the blood-brain barrier,
your heart rate would shoot up to 160.
Your body will strain to reject the poison
by sweating, defecating, vomiting.
Within minutes, you will be dead.
Got it?
Aaron peels off the Elm marked '34
...exposing the adhesive coating.
- He applies the strip to Dave's palm.
- Okay.
Aaron will then remove the r7lm
marked 'B " exposing the ricin.
- Clear. Okay.
- Okay, clear. Okay.
Dave needs to appear casual
as he is transferred from his room...
...to the broadcast facility.
It is critical that he keeps
his hand open and touches...
...nothing.
Dave Skylark.
Mr. Kim, just shaking hands.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Dave will bow to Kim,
then shake his hand...
...immediately disposing of the strip
in his jacket pocket, which will be lined...
...with an absorbing agent
that denatures the poison.
Oh, no.
Aaron! Aaron!
- Agent Lacey! What's this mean?!
- You're dead.
All right, Mr. Skylark, so you'll place
the ricin case in this pouch.
It will magnetically seal.
And then, you're good to go.
So you want me to carry this bag?
This is the bag.
This is a douche bag.
The watches conceal an array
of tactical functions.
t's how you stay in contact with me
in the command center.
Aaron to Dave.
Radio communication
is done using call signs.
- Cool.
- Dave, you are Dung Beetle
- And, Aaron, you are Aardvark.
- What?
- I can't carry this thing!
- What do you mean?
Aerodynamics are all off.
it's hitting my leg. It's, like, bulky.
Remember, gentlemen:
You are entering into the most dangerous
and unpredictable country on earth.
Kim Jong-un is a master manipulator.
His people revere him as a god.
They'll believe anything he tells them,
including that he can speak to dolphins...
...or he doesn't urinate and defecate.
My man doesn't pee or poo?
He does. He lies to his people
and they believe him.
Everybody pees and poos.
Where would it go? He'd explode.
But he does talk to dolphins.
All right, how do I look?
Fucking awesome?
Yeah, actually, this is really, really nice-
- What the fuck is this?
- it's my bag.
Wonderful. That's not the bag
the CIA gave you.
- Oh, that bag?
- Yes, that bag,
That bag was fugly with a capital "fug"!
It was designed to conceal poison
that we're gonna smuggle in.
Kim is a superfan.
He knows I take fashion risks.
I show up with that other bag,
Kim's gonna be like:
"Aw, no. You got ugly bag?
You no Skylark. You secret agent.
Terminate him."
- Where's the fucking poison strip?!
- I put the strip in a pack of gum.
- They'll never ind it.
- I am not cool with this.
- it's showtime.
- "Showtime"? it's not Showtime.
- Dave Skylark Tonight!
- What are you doing? Stop walking.
- Hello!
- Stop walking.
We are going to North Korea.
Skylark, which side
of President Kim's ass you gonna kiss?
Not gonna kiss him,
but Ietle just say...
...I might give him something special
with my hand.
You gonna jerk him off?
- What? No, thatie a double entendre!
- Shut the fuck up!
- I'm foreshadowing!
- Just shut up! Get in the fucking car!
Shut up! Shut up!
Why would you say that?
Why would you say that?
All right. Here we go.
What's that noise?
- I don't know. Yeah.
- Do you hear that?
This is crazy.
Hello, North Korea!
Crazy.
- Okay, okay.
- North side!
Okay, hi. Sorry about what he's doing.
Hello.
I like your style.
Good to see you again.
How are you?
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- This is great.
Dave, this is Sook-yin Park.
- Sook? The Sook?
- Yes. Yes.
- That you won't stop talking about?
- That's not true.
We are different people.
We speak different languages.
We have different faces.
But inside...
...WS GTB Same-Same.
Same-same.
But different.
But still same
Thank you.
You know, I'm very, very interested
in the history of your young nation.
I hear that absolutely everyone here
is starving to death.
No.
t's quite all right.
- This is a common misconception.
- Oh, okay.
See for yourself.
t's a grocery store! Looks like
the Whole Foods near my place.
Yep. Guess no one's hungry here
after all.
We have an abundance of food here.
And speak of the devil,
look at that fat kid.
Hi, little fatty. Hit
We have many fat children
in North Korea.
The Supreme Leader believes
it is a hallmark...
...of prosperity and self-sufficiency.
I don't know about all that,
but this one is one that I heard.
I heard he doesn't pee or poo
He works so hard,
he burns the energy from inside.
My man doesn't have to take a poo?
- Does he have a butthole?
- He does not have a butthole.
He has no need for one.
- Damn, son.
- Damn.
Right this way.
I get it. Fucking stop it.
These are Officers Koh and Yu.
They are the heads of our
Supreme Leaders personal security.
They have been with him
since he was a boy.
They will search you one last time before
entering our Supreme Leaders home.
Just a Gucci bag.
What's this?
Gum. That is gum.
- You fucking tried it
- Okay.
- This gum has no flavor.
- If you don't like it, spit it out.
Spit it out. We wouldn't be insulted.
- Your gum taste like shit.
- Okay.
You may now enter
the Supreme Leader's home.
- This room for Mr. Skylark.
- Cool.
Thanks
This room for Mr. Rapaport.
Ooh, lovely. Thank you.
- Cute.
- Quaint
I'm tired. How are you feeling?
- We go now.
- Okay.
Dude, what the fuck? Hey, you know,
how's your tummy feeling?
- Have some TUMS.
- Have some tea.
Fuck.
They could be recording?
- Oh, the thing.
- The thing. Okay.
- Lovely room. Oh, yes.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna go take a shower now.
- Okay.
- I'll take one with you.
- Why with me?
Fake conversation.
- What the fuck, dude?
- Oh, my God.
He ate it. He fucking ate it.
- You're not supposed to touch it.
- And he ate it.
- Chewing. Chewing it!
- Shit! Fuck.
Shit! He's gonna die.
Look, look, look.
He's probably Kim's triggerman, okay?
He's probably killed, like, tons of people.
He's probably worse than Kim.
And we're okay with killing Kim.
How the fuck are we gonna do that?
We don't have any poison anymore!
Well, what happened to it?
- Somebody ate it.
- Someone ate it?
- Why the fuck did you switch bags?
- Yeah, Dave.
All right, all right!
I shouldn't have
switched the bags. Sorry.
Listen, just sit tight
I am going to Contact you.
Do not fall asleep.
I'll Hgure out a way to fix this.
- Thanks. Why'd you tell her?
- it's the truth.
- Why'd you tell her that he ate it?
- He did!
Dude. That was a cock block.
Get me Major Franks
at the Osan Air Force Base.
ETA to launch zone: 20 minutes.
We have a bird en route.
It will be within range of you
in 15 minutes. Aardvark:
Your watch will transmit
the coordinates to guide in the package.
Get outside to a place with no tree cover
where you can't be detected.
- okay?
- what-Q
- Why do I have to do it?
- Why you?
If Dung Beetle gets caught or killed,
then we don't have a mission anymore.
- I could get caught or killed?
- Hey!
Put on your darkest clothes
and get outside now.
Make sure you are 20 yards away
from the building.
Approaching launch zone.
- You ready?
- I think so.
A little nervous, but I'm feeling okay.
I think I can do it.
- What are you doing?
- I'll cherish all our memories.
- Don't do this
- What?
Talk to me like I'm about to die, okay?
I'll be tine!
I'm trying to psych myself up here.
I will love your mother
like she was mine.
- Just shut up.
- Okay.
- it's really scary out there.
- Yeah, super-duper scary.
- Be careful.
- Okay, good. You got me?
- I got you.
- Okay.
- I will not drop you. I got you-
- Don't drop me.
Aardvark, are you all right?
I'm fine. Shut the fuck up.
Aardvark is hot.
I repeat: Aardvark is H-O-T. Hot.
- This is so scary.
- Aardvark:
You're being extremely brave.
Everybody here is very proud of you.
- My tummy's all scraped up and wet.
- Aardvark:
I'll rub your tummy
when you get back.
Just a few more feet. Okay?
Just five to 10 more feet.
I gotta keep going?
I don't wanna keep going. Fuck.
Package will deploy
in three, two, one. Boom
Package is inbound.
Arrival time: two minutes.
Just five more feet. Five more feet
and you're on your mark.
Hey, hey. Hey. Don't move.
I think I see something.
- There's something out there,
- What do you mean?
What is it? Can you zoom in?
What do I do?
Comm One, are you seeing this?
Zoom in on that thing. What is that?
There 's something crawling
towards Aardvark.
What the fuck? What is it?
Talk to me.
I'm seeing four legs
connected to one body.
What the fuck are you seeing?
- Dog? Big dog?
- A big dog?
t's like Clifford size. We're talking
Falkor in The Neverending Story.
t's like a dragon dog.
This is like a dragon dog.
- ls that a fucking-?
- Guys?
- What am I looking for? I don't-
- it's like a big dog.
!t's orange, got stripes.
t's like a big, orange, stripy dog.
There's a tiger.
t's a fucking tiger!
t's a fucking tiger.
Yes. A tiger.
- You led my friend into a tiger patch?!
- I told you there were tigers.
Guys, I'm very unhappy right now.
It's really dark.
He probably doesn't see you.
Oh, it fucking sees me.
- It has night vision.
- They have night vision?
That tiger has night-vision goggles?!
It doesn't have night-vision goggles.
It naturally has night-
- What is this, some futuristic nightmare?
- Just keep the line clear.
Aardvark is in trouble.
What do I do? What do I do?
Talk to me. Talk to me.
You're gonna have to fight that tiger.
No! Do not! Do not fight the tiger!
Do not be a gentleman.
Go right for the balls!
- I don't see its balls.
- Do not light the tiger. You will lose.
If that's a girl tiger,
you gotta cunt-punt that bitch!
- Dave, shut the fuck up!
- Cunt-punt that bitch!
You know that's a stupid idea.
Please, don't try to fight the tiger.
- I'm gonna make a run for it.
- Do not run for it!
- You will die!
- it's coming.
You go, go, go, buddy!
Look out, it's coming after you!
- Oh, God. Pm aiivef
- Aaron.
IV11 alive!
Are you in the tiger?
Are you inside the tiger?
Are you okay?
Do you have the package?
This is Aardvark.
The package killed the tiger.
Fantastic.
You have to secure the package.
Secure the package.
He's got the package.
He has the package.
What do I do with it?
There are people coming.
You have to act now.
Secure the package.
- What do I do with ii?
- Theyve coming towards you.
You gotta hide that little missile.
I have to hide it somewhere? Where?
What do I do with it?
What do I do with it?
What if you hide it in your butt?
I don't wanna stick it in my ass.
You gotta put it in your butt.
Comm One, please tell me
I don't have to stick this in my ass.
Okay. Just give us one second
to come up with a better plan.
- Isn't there anywhere else?
- I think he should put it in his asshole.
We don't have a better plan.
Stick it in your ass.
No! No!
No!
I've never done that!
I've been there before. It looks huge.
- That tiger blood will lubricate it.
- This will mess up my asshole!
Aardvark, there are people there.
They are closing in on you.
They have guns.
You need to secure the payload.
- Secure it in your ass.
- Stick it in your butt.
- Okay. Fine. Fine. Fine.
- lin there with you, bro.
Just listen to the soothing tones
of my voice. Just breathe.
- Oh, it's cold!
- Just let everything go loose.
- I don't like it!
- The tip is....
t's the worst part.
Trust me on this.
nhale as you do ft.
- The tip of the package is secure.
- Comm One, that thing is in his butt!
You are almost in the end zone,
Aardvark. Just take it home.
The package is secure.
You are a hero.
You are a goddamn hero.
All right, they're coming in.
I gotta go. Over and out.
Oh, shit. Hi!
Hi, don't shoot me! Oh, God!
Stop it! Don't hurt me, please!
See? There's nothing in here!
What?
Oh, God. No!
Come on! What the fuck?!
Vvnyv! wnyu you do mam
Why'd you do that'?!
Ls this what you want?!
There! You like it?!
You like it?!
t's all yours, fuckers!
Stay in the room, American.
Hey.
- Did they look in your butt?
- No, they didn't look!
- it's still in there?
- Yes!
- Must be deep
- It is.
- Get it out! I'm here to help.
- I'm gonna fucking get it out
Hey, how'd it go?
- One ricin strip with your name on it.
- Got it.
- All right. See? Not so bad.
- Yeah, not so bad.
- What?
- Yeah.
- That?
- This.
- In your bu-?
- Asshole.
- No!
- Yes!
- l was picturing like this big.
- That I could live with.
Soon as you get home,
see a proctologist.
- I'm afraid to look.
- You got fucked by RoboCop, dude.
Who is it?
It is Kim Jong-un.
What?
Kim Jong what?
I am the Supreme Leader of North Korea.
- What? What the fuck?
- it's him.
t's him. What is he doing here?
What the fuck?
Hide it. Put it back up.
No! I'm not putting it back up.
I'll hide it in my room. Go say hi.
- What do I do? Put it on right now?
- No, then he'll die when we're still here.
- Just put it in your pocket.
- Okay, fine.
- Come with me.
- No, I gotta hide this.
- Aaron. Just come with me.
- No. No.
Aaron. Aaron.
Hi.
Good morning, Dave.
Good morning. Hi.
Dave Skylark.
t's crazy.
- Oh, I have a gift for you. Yeah
- Oh, really?
This.
- Oh, this is me.
- it's you.
Oh, that's great.
I always wanted one of these.
A bust.
Dave Skylark.
- Hey! Thank you.
- You like that?
So you really like the show?
I might not show it,
but I'm freaking out
You're like a superfan
- I really am
- Yeah!
That's so cool.
Don't say something stupid, Kim.
Okay, so I thought
you might enjoy breakfast...
...and a tour of my home.
I'd absolutely love to.
You know, I have to admit
before I came here...
...I thought this place
was gonna be a dumpt
Of course. For decades
you've heard the false rumors:
"North Korea is a failed state.
We can't feed our people."
it's all propaganda
I see. Well, yeah, I mean....
I did see a fat kid
and a really nice-looking grocery store.
Oh, we have beautiful grocery stores
here in North Korea.
One of my favorite things to do
is just strolling up and down the aisles...
...to see the beautiful fruits
of my country's land.
I can believe that. It looks like you hit
the grocery store pretty often.
Screw you, Dave.
- Hey, you want to see something cool?
- Yeah.
Holy fuck-a-moley!
Is that real?
It was a gift to my grandfather
from Stalin.
In my country,
it's pronounced "Stallone."
You're so funny, Dave
Right. Well, can we look inside?
Fuck, yeah, we can. Come on.
This is so cool!
- A tank!
- Yeah, a tank.
Is it still live?
I don't know. Maybe we should find out.
- Look. You have a sound system in here?
- Oh, no, no, no. Don't touch.
Katy Perry?
My wife must have put that in there.
- I've never heard this before in my life.
- I love Katy Perry!
Baby, yon/'re a firework
Come on, show them what you're worth
I love- I listen to this all the time.
- Really?
- I love her!
You know why I really like her?
She has such a strong message...
...for young women and girls
across the planet.
t's so empowering.
Yeah.
You know, Dave,
sometimes I feel like a plastic bag.
Drifting through the wind?
Wanting to start again.
As you shoot across
The sky-sky-sky
- Good times. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Dave, do you think that margaritas
are gay because they are so sweet?
Did someone tell you
that margaritas are gay?
No, it's just a question I have.
If liking Katy Perry
and drinking margaritas is gay...
...then who wants to be straight?
- Not me.
- Boring!
Margaritas are great.
And whoever planted
that in your head is crazy.
Let me ask you something
Does this thing still run?
Oh, man, this is great!
Can we fire the gun?
Think I'd tease you
and not take you all the way?
- Really?!
- Close that shit.
- Closing the hatch!
- Okay.
Boom, boom, boom!
Oh, shit!
Fuck you, tree!
The control room will be fully staffed
to insure an uninterrupted transmission.
All right.
This is the kill switch.
During the interview,
if any parameters are violated...
...I will use it and cut the signal.
- We're gonna stick with the program.
- I will be in charge of this transmission.
Dave and the show itself
are dependent on me...
...when it comes to how
we shoot the show.
I know. I've watched every episode
in preparation.
I particularly enjoyed
the Miley Cyrus camel toe episode.
The camel toe episode.
That was good.
I've never heard this expression before.
But after seeing it, it is a perfect
representation of her vagina.
It is. It looked exactly like that. Yeah.
- it's very deep.
- Very deep.
Quite a moose knuckle.
You Americans are so creative
with your sexual innuendos.
- We do it very well.
- Many animal references.
Oh, yes, tons.
Please, take this printed copy
of the questions.
t's crucial Dave review them.
Officers Koh and Yu will now take you
to your room for lunch.
Come, American.
Time to get even fatter.
Great. Thanks, guys.
Making you my little Korean bitch!
What are you gonna do,
drop nukes on L.A.?
- Nuke your mama!
- I bet they can't even make it to Australia!
Face!
Man...
...this is so nice.
Let me ask you something.
Don't take this the wrong way.
You can ask me anything, Dave.
Do you pee and poo?
You've heard the stories, huh?
- Yes, I pee and poo.
- So you have a butthole?
I've got a butthole,
and it's working overtime.
You are awesome
You know, this is so weird.
You are, like, the coolest guy.
But a lot of people say...
...that you're batshit crazy.
They're not wrong.
I'm 31 years old.
The fact that I am running a country
is bafshif crazy.
What am I to do
when 24 million people...
...look to me as their leader,
their god?
What am I to do when my father's
dying wish was for me to carry his torch?
Know what my father said to me
on his deathbed?
What did he say, Dave?
"I'm disappointed because you haven't
done enough with your life."
That is fucked up.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Jordan!
They call me incompetent.
That's what they said about me
when I scored this interview!
- No way!
- They said, "Dave Skylark is stupid...
...and incompetent."
You're handsome, competent, suave.
How dare they?
I pretend like their insults don't get to me.
But they do.
You know what's more destructive
than a nuclear bomb?
Words.
And the people are jealous of men
like you and me.
t's as though they despise us
because they are not us.
Hate us because they ain't us.
Exactly. They hate us
because they ain't us.
- That's a great saying, okay?
- Hate us because they ain't us!
They hate us because they ain't us!
Kim! You got a break!
Alley-oop!
That's all right. That's all right.
Oh, my ankles.
- Okay.
- Hey, Kim.
Let me ask you something
Was your father the one
who said that margaritas are gay?
He said that my brothers and I
were all too feminine.
That our luxurious lifestyles
turned us into homosexuals.
I don't have to worry about that anymore.
Because guess what I get tons of?
- Pussy.
- Oh, my God.
Hey.
Dude, you just spent the fucking day
with Kim Jong-un. What happened?
It was amazing.
- It was amazing?
- Yeah.
It was one of the best days of my life.
- What?
- We smoked joints...
...played basketball...
...fucked chicks.
We had the best margaritas.
Did you say you fucked chicks?
Oh, my God. Kim Jong is an animal!
You know you have to kill
this guy tomorrow.
I've been thinking a little bit
about the mission.
Okay.
America, you know...
...always putting its nose in things
and screwing them up.
The truth is, Kim is a master
at manipulating the media.
- Yeah?
- You're the media.
You get what's happening here?
Maybe the media's manipulating you.
What the fuck does that even mean?
I'm the only one
who's spent real time with him.
Spent face-to-face time! Dick-to-dick!
It's just, man, I can sympathize with
people that get dumped on by the media.
- And it sucks.
- You know what else fucking sucks?
Concentration camps, famine,
tiring squads-
- I didn't see any here. Have you?
N0
Your attendance is required in
the banquet room of the Eternal Leader.
- Hey, how you doing?
- Yeah, seriously. You look fantastic.
Your obsession with my well-being is
only making me more suspicious of you.
Don't be suspicious.
- I want to know what your routine is.
- Do you take vitamins?
- You're doing something right.
- You look good.
Do not ask us any more question.
Meet us in the banquet hall.
You see how big their guitars are
compared to their bodies?
I think it's funny.
That is funny.
Oh, no.
t's happening.
Dave.
Dave.
No.
- Wait, what?
- Look at the fu-
They're good.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
- What do we do?
- He's gonna poo.
Oh, no.
Oh, shit. Oh, no. Oh, no.
t's happening.
So gross
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, my God!
- it's okay, man.
- No.
Come on, man.
We just killed two innocent men.
Look, first of all, it's not your fault
that those men died.
Second, they had to go.
They knew we were up to something.
- I'm out.
- What? You cannot pull out of this.
- I'm pulling out.
- You're way too deep.
- I'm pulling out.
- No. You are leaving it in.
- I've been pulling out for years.
- You are not pulling out of this mission
That's the only reason we're here.
We are doing this!
Kim is not evil. He was just born
into a hard situation.
You are fucking stupid,
and you are fucking ignorant.
- Who you calling ign'ant?
- You, motherfucker.
You're fucking arrogant!
Everything he's shown you is fake.
He's shown you what you wanna see.
He's fooled you, you fucking idiot!
God, look how ready you are
to betray me.
This whole time, I thought
you were Samwise to my Frodo.
But you're just Boromir.
I don't know who that is.
That's such a Boromir thing to say!
This is fucking done.
You are fucking done after this.
Once you kill this motherfucker,
this shit's over.
- You are going to kill him!
- You've turned me into a gun.
And you're pointing me
at the one guy who gets me.
Well, you know what, cowboy?
- A gun can't Ere without no bullets.
- What the fuck are you doing?
- No, no, no!
- Yes, yes, yes!
Realize what you just did?
- I just saved a life, you murderer.
- You piece of-
Mr. Skylark.
The Supreme Leader requests
your presence in Pyongyang for dinner.
He will be at your door in 30 minutes.
Hey, Dave. Thank you for being with me
in my time of sorrow.
That was super gross and fucked up.
Hi.
Mr. Supreme Leader.
I'm Aaron.
- Aaron?
- Hello.
We never got a chance
to formally meet, Mr. Great Leader.
I just wanted to shake your hand.
Well, any friend of Dave
is a friend of mine.
No! Don't shake that hand.
- Why not?
- Yeah, why not?!
- Because Aaron's a Jew.
- Oh, gross.
- Let's go, Supreme Leader.
- Okay. It was nice meeting you
Don't you know Jews are bad luck?
- Fuck you.
- Friends don't kill friends' friends.
Okay. Okay.
Oh, fuck.
We need to review some new data...
...the Leader wants included
in the interview.
- Now's not really the best time.
- It will only take a moment.
Yeah, okay.
- Great.
- Thank you.
Would you like to share a drink?
Raise your glasses. Koh and Yu!
Koh and Yu possessed
the finest trait men can have:
Loyalty.
I know how you feel.
My dog Digby died when I was a kid,
and I'm still fucked up about it.
Loyalty is what made my father
and grandfather so successful.
That's right. Hey, listen up. You.
Without loyalty...
...a country is a lawless jungle.
Welcome to the jungle, baby.
Welcome to the jungle.
On your...knees'
How else can I prevail...
...against so many enemies?
Defectors
South Korean capitalists.
The people in this room."
...who don't think
I can fill my father's shoes!
These bastards deserve no humanity!
To those who seek to undermine me,
at home and abroad...
...I cannot respond with anything less...
...than the totality of my strength!
If a billion people across the earth
and in my own country...
...must be burned to prove it...
...then my worthiness as a Kim...
...will be demonstrated!
Hey, Kim, I gotta go outside.
Is that okay?
I'm just feeling....
Too much...
...soju, whatever.
Okay.
I'll be back.
So how'd you wind up
as one of the heads...
...of a dictatorship?
One day, officials came to my classroom
in search of a young woman...
...to serve on
the Kim family personal staff.
They selected me
Over the years...
...I grew close with Kim Jong-un.
When he rose to power,
he took me with him.
And here I am.
Kind of have a guy like that
in my life too.
You've been with Dave a long time.
He's a hard guy to leave.
You like the money
and can't say no to Dave.
No.
Yes! I know you.
You're fucking awesome.
- No, I don't understand you.
- You know, it's a little bit weird.
Do you have a boyfriend?
Is that too forward of me to ask?
What are you looking at?
I should leave.
Why?
I'm concerned my feelings
of attraction for you...
...will cause me to make mistakes.
Your feelings of attraction for me?
Fuck this!
Ever since I saw you,
this is all I've been thinking about.
Me too!
Fake.
Fake carrots.
Fake fruit!
Fake!
Fake!
Fake grapefruits!
Fake!
Liar!
You liar!
Why aren't I naked yet?
Yeah!
You're hairy! You so hairy like a bear!
You're fucking sexy. Yeah.
- Your nipples are so pink!
- Yes, they are.
I love it!
No! Whoa! No!
- No hands.
- No hands?
I'm not into handsy shit.
That's how I like it.
- Just take it off!
- Okay.
- You said no hands!
- You hit me with your hand!
How do I get it off?!
Use your big, fat American teeth.
Okay! I Will!
This is awesome.
Yeah!
Oh, this is hard.
Shit.
Oh, shit, what's wrong?
The numbers I gave you
on potato output...
...are exaggerated.
That's okay with me.
I don't really care about that.
We can get back
to what we were doing.
No, it's not just the numbers!
- I am a terrible person.
- No. You're the best person.
You were about to have sex with me.
That's the best thing someone could do.
I'm the propagandist
of a totalitarian dictatorship.
That's an area you could improve,
but you don't have to dwell on it.
He's as cruel as his father
and grandfather before him!
You knew this this whole time.
Why is this just bothering you now?
It's been bothering me for a long time.
And I'm not the only one.
But too many people see him as a god.
How do you prove to 24 million people...
...that their god is a murderer
and a liar?
- Aaron, I need to talk.
- Fuck, it's Dave. Shit.
You hide in there.
- I'll go deal with him.
- Okay. Go, go, go.
- Aaron, are you here?
- Yeah, one sec. One sec
- Don't come in, don't come in!
- I need to talk.
- Hey, how's it going, dude?
- Not good.
We should take a walk.
No, no, no. I can't walk this off.
I cannot walk this off.
I need to....
I'm so fucking pissed.
- I just wanna hit something!
- No! Don't punch anything!
Breathe. Just breathe.
- Maybe pace it out.
- Fuck, man.
Kim.
- What about him?
- He's going crazy,
He's gonna blow up the world
just to show that he's the shit!
And at first I thought:
"All right, maybe he's just talking,
you know. Maybe he doesn't mean it."
- Then I saw this fake fucking grapefruit.
- What?
All the food in that grocery store is fake!
He fucking lied to me.
Maybe that fat kid isn't fat.
I mean, oh!
What about the concentration camps?
And the famine. Maybe that's real. God!
It is. I've been telling you that
for weeks now.
He fucking honeydicked me.
He honeydicked the shit out of me
- Sucks.
- You still got that poison?
You can't speak? What the fuck?
I wanna know if you have the poison
so we can kill that motherfucker.
What?!
Spy! What the hell?!
- She's on our side!
- Fuck's going on?!
- You can trust me.
- You can trust her!
Trust her?! Are you joking?!
We gotta kill her!
I was in bed with her!
We were hooking up.
That's why she's here.
- What?!
- Let him go. Everything is fine
Now we gotta kill the girl that you like.
This is the worst moment ever!
We're not killing her!
- She's loyal to Kim.
- No! Dude!
She was just telling me she's with us.
I hate Kim. He is a terrible leader.
- See?
- Okay.
She can help us kill him.
What? NO! NO! No Killing!
Kim must die! That's the American way.
How many times can the U.S.
make the same mistake?
As many times as it takes.
Killing Kim won't change anything.
You said it yourself!
We gotta do something. Right?
He will be replaced.
He has brothers, other generals.
The people need to be shown
that he is not a god.
That he is a man.
Then they will be ready for change
Yeah? How?
Interviewing him.
Everyone in North Korea
will be watching.
No, look, the interview's scripted.
His people are never gonna let me
ask real questions.
- Dave, I am his people.
- She controls the broadcast.
I can't do political interviews.
I do entertainment interviews.
- Dude. You can fucking do this.
- Yeah?
You don't interview with your brain.
You interview with your heart.
- True.
- Your emotion, Dave.
You get Kim Jong-un to fucking cry
like a baby in front of all of North Korea?
They'll know he's not a god.
I think I can do this.
You can do it.
I'm Dave Skylark...
...and I can interview anyone.
- Yeah, you can.
- Let's take this motherfucker down!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
You got a lot of pent-up energy! Oh, God!
Okay. Everything's ready.
You ready to rock?
You memorize those facts?
- I'm ready, baby.
- Great.
- How many people in camps?
- Two hundred thousand.
- How many malnourished?
- Sixteen million.
They spent 800 million
on nukes last year...
...and got 200 million in food aid
from the U.N.
And I got more
where that came from, baby.
You're gonna nail this shit.
I just wish we had an escape plan.
- Why don't we go to Japan?
- it's across the Sea of Japan.
- Why don't we swim?
- Can't swim that.
- I'm a good swimmer.
- it's really far.
- People have done it.
- Nope.
- Michael Phelps did it.
- Not true.
- Okay.
- Skylark, two-minute warning.
- Keep me on the air as long as you can.
- I will, man.
- Maybe we won't get out of here.
- No. We might die.
I've had a great life.
I had the best, best friend.
Fucked more women
than Ellen DeGeneres.
Now, it's time for the North Korean
people to get their dicks wet.
This is a perfect ending for the tell-all.
As the two best friends stared
each other in the eyes...
...they knew...
...that this might be the end
of the long road.
But they also knew...
...how much they meant to each other.
And even though neither one
could say it out loud...
...they were both thinking:
- I love you.
- I love you.
Bro.
- Okay, man. You got this.
- Okay.
Showtime.
Dave.
Kim.
Are you ready to share with the world
that gorgeous smile of yours?
Tonight, I think it's your smile
they wanna see.
I have something for you.
What?
- What's this?
- Open.
- For me?
- For you.
He's just like Digby.
Just like Digby
- I think I'm gonna die. Oh, my God.
- Don't die, please.
Not till after the interview.
This dog is killing me with cuteness.
He's crazy cute.
- Can I keep it?
- Take him home, forever and ever.
Why?
I live a lonely life, Dave
And it warms my heart to know
that there is someone in this world...
...with whom I can truly be myself.
Whatever they say about you...
...they're wrong.
I'm just me, and I do my best.
You're my brother.
You're my brother.
Let's get this out of the way, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
And what are we gonna name you, huh?
You need a name? Yes, you do.
Look, look. He looks just like Digby.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
We'll see you in a minute. Bye-bye.
- Okay. Shall we begin?
- Okay. You ready?
Shut the fuck up. Guys, it's starting!
And we're on in five...
"four: three...
Good evening. And good morning
to our viewers around the world.
I'm Dave Skylark.
Thank you for joining me
for this historic moment in history.
Lin with President Kim Jong-un...
...of the Democratic People's
Republic of Korea.
We are broadcasting from a station
outside of Pyongyang...
...for this very special edition of
Skylark Tonight.
Thank you for joining me,
President Kim Jong-un.
It is my pleasure, Dave.
You know...
...there is so much misunderstanding
about North Korea...
...and me personally.
And I can't think of a man
with greater intelligence than you.
Lam grateful...
...for this opportunity for my government
and for the international community...
...to forge a better relationship.
- So you wanna set the record straight,
- Indeed, Dave.
Camera three.
Tensions between your nation
and South Korea are at a high.
t's fair to say that you're
on the brink of armed conflict.
So what I want to know is...
...in these times of great stress...
...do you do karaoke?
Yes, I do, Dave.
I believe that it is important
for those in power...
...to remain in touch
with the beauty in life.
You are afso a very accomplished
painter; arerrt you?
Well, how can I not be?
- He's reading the script.
- He lulls them and then he gets them.
t's his technique.
The beauty guides you.
It guides my hand.
This is fucking bullshit.
Let's take it to a serious tip.
Supreme Leader Kim...
...when the United States, which has an
enormous stockpile of nuclear weapons...
...insists that countries like yours
have none...
...does that feel hypocritical to you?
Many Americans do not realize...
...that the war in North Korea was
entirely the fault of the United States.
Damn! Kim's calling us out!
- You really are still hopeful?
- No.
I'm not hopeful at all.
He's bailed on the plan.
America, what you done
to these Koreans?
This is a little embarrassing.
When you think of all
that your country has been through...
...the wars, the floods...
...do you think your people
should be rewarded...
...for their resilience and strength?
Of course, Dave.
Then, why don't you feed them?
I....
Camera two.
I beg your pardon?
Why don't you feed your people?
They are hungry.
Specifically, two-thirds of them.
sn't that embarrassing since you're the
one they view as a provider and a god?
And you spend $800 million
on nukes every year?
And you have
16 million starving people?
Are you sure you don't...
...mean to ask me about potato yields?
No. I wanna know about
that other thing I just asked.
Okay, well...
...Dave-, as you have seen for yourself..
...we have a great bounty of food
in North Korea.
What I saw for myseli..
...was a fake grocery store...
...with a fake fat kid
planted right in front of it!
Okay this is an offensive line
of questioning.
I don't think i!'s offensive.
it's important.
If you don't wanna answer,
you can get up and walk away.
I can't keep you
from retreating.
- He's gonna go for the button.
- He's sitting there. Not moving.
- He's going for the button!
- He's not.
- Oh, shit. He's making a move!
- Don't move, homie!
Get your hand away!
I will cap you! I'm exploding with energy.
I can't believe this.
I feel so alive right now.
This is so real.
He's got him. Nice!
- Dave! Dave.
- I know you, Kim.
Dave, perhaps the question
you should ask is:
How have I managed to keep my country
so well-nourished...
...despite the harsh
and unjust economic sanctions...
...imposed on North Korea
by the United States?
Sanctions?
Don't you know that the U.S. has more
incarcerated people per capita than us?
No. But-
So perhaps now you would like
to return to the civil discussion...
...we had originally agreed upon.
No! Get him!
Oh, shit! Goto camera one!
Camera three! Camera three!
Do not move, homie!
Give me something!
Give me fucking something! Okay.
Why?! Fuck! Shit, that hurts!
We don't have concentration camps,
Dave.
Have you seen one person mistreated
since your arrival here?
Oh, shit! Shit. Someone's coming.
Someone's coming.
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
Dave, unless you can show me
a person, a photo...
...of widespread hunger.
Aaron!
Do not fuck with my angles!
Oh, shit! Oh, shit.
You're fucking up the angles!
Sit still!
Slow push!
Thank you!
Face it, Dave, you have failed.
You've made wild allegations,
but you have proven nothing.
You made this long journey just to show
the world that they were right about you.
You are incapable
of conducting a real interview.
You're a joke!
Maybe you're right.
Yeah, it sucks.
Because I need people's approval.
Desperately.
Because I could never get it...
...from my father when I was a kid.
But I see a lot of the same thing
in you, Kim.
Your father...
...deprived you
of life's simplest pleasures.
He told you that margaritas are gay.
I have no comment on margaritas.
- Tnen why don't you drink them?
- I don't like brain freeze.
Fuck you, Dave.
You fucking asshole!
I just have one more question for you.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again?
- What is that? I don't know what that is.
- Yes, you do.
No, I don't. I never heard that before.
Do you ever feel
Feel so paper-thin
Just like a house of cards
One blow from caving in?
- I don't know what you're singing.
- You know what it is.
- No, I don't.
- You don't need to lie.
Katy Perry's your favorite!
Katy who? I don't know
who you're talking about.
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Not the chorus, please!
And own the night
Like it's the Fourth of July
- Cause, Kfmmy, you're a firework
- Stop!
Go and show 'em what you?e worth
And make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh"
As you sail across the sky-y-y
Kimmy, you're a #rework
No!
I don't need my father!
I am strong!
Excuse me
- Did you just shart?
- No, I didn't.
It was that camera guy.
It wasn't me.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kim Jong-un
has just pooed in his pants.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Yeah. Let's go.
Damn, girl. You a badass.
I thought you were my friend, Dave.
I thought you were my friend, Kim.
I thought everyone lied about you.
And then I saw that fake grapefruit...
...in that fake grocery store...
...and I realized
that you were a fake friend.
You said you were gonna
blow everybody up...
...just to show what a big guy you are?
No friend would blow up
another friend's country.
You're just a Hawed man
with a big ol' butthole.
And you pee and poo
like the rest of us.
Well, tell me this, Dave:
Will you be so cocky when I slay you
in front of the whole world...
...you Yankee motherfucker?
If you shoot me,
you7I just be proving me right.
You're just a sad, little man.
Dave! Dave, no!
This is Dave Skylark...
...signing off
Goodbye, Dave.
Oh, man.
Bulletproof vest.
Genius!
He's alive, everybody. Oh, fuck!
Got a bulletproof vest on!
I don't know how he got it!
But he's got it on!
Thank you for watching my interview.
This is Dave Skylark...
...signing off.
- No!
- Aaron!
- Let's get the fuck out of here.
- Wait! The puppy.
- What happened to your hand?
- Someone bit my fucking fingers off.
- That's just like Frodo!
- Whoa! Shit!
Don't shoot! I have a puppy!
Go!
- Oh, no, no! Oh! Oh, no!
- Who is that?!
- Oh, Shit! Oh, fuck!
- Keep shooting!
Oh, no!
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! There's more!
You're a hero! Thank you, sir!
That's the only way out!
Hey. I have an idea.
Follow me.
Ls this Katy fucking Perry?!
Leave it on!
it's helping me concentrate!
- Oh, shit. Are those fucking nukes?!
- Let me check.
Oh, we really fucked up!
He's arming his fucking nukes!
Fuck!
Skylark!
Kim!
Fuck you!
I've been grazed!
- How's the puppy?
- Puppy is okay!
Protect that puppy with your life!
We gotta do something!
He's gonna kill us!
We're in a tank! Shoot him back!
- it's loaded!
- Let's barbecue this motherfucker!
On three!
Balls to the wall!
Boom, boom...
...boom!
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Okay.
That way. it's an old mining tunnel.
- Holy shit, where does that go?
- West. Away from Pyongyang.
Keep moving until you reach the coast.
I wish you both luck.
You sound like
you're not coming with us.
- I have to go to Pyongyang.
- Right back into the snake pit!
I can't leave North Korea.
I just helped plunge it into chaos!
So did we. I'm okay with leaving.
I have to ensure that the power does
not transfer to the wrong hands.
I can't deny that we have chemistry.
But I have to stay here for my people.
Okay.
I'm glad to meet you
Okay.
Kiss her.
Kiss her, dude.
Yeah, get in there.
Nice.
I'm happy to have met you, Aaron.
Me too.
Bye, Sook!
Have fun with the war.
- All right, it's clear.
- Okay.
Okay, here you go.
- You got him?
- Yeah.
You out of that big ol' scary hole?
- Where are we?
- I don't know.
Is this China?
- I don't know. Looks like North Korea.
- Yeah.
- Man.
- Which way's the coast?
I have no idea.
Does that do something?
- Dogs always run to the sea.
- Not true.
- You gotta find the sea.
- That's not gonna happen.
Shit.
- Shit, Shit, Shit!
- Protect the puppy!
Stop! it's them!
Echo Romeo Five, Echo Romeo Five.
We have contact
with Dung Beetle and Aardvark.
Aaron, Dave.
- I'm Captain Sung, SEAL Team 6.
- Holy shit.
How'd you find us?
The GPS on your wristwatch.
Let's get you boys home.
- Oh, my God!
- For you.
- For me?
- ls it the president?
- Mr. Obama?
- Nope, just me. Agent Lacey.
Agent Lacey.
Fancy hearing from you here.
I enjoyed your interview, guys
Now, try not to fuck up your extraction
Get home safe
Guess who's going to America
where they don't eat doggies?
- And you get all the good stuff.
- Let's just go. Can we please go?
Get them in.
She honeypotted me.
- What? What are you talking about?
- Sook.
Think about it, man. I mean,
she researched me, she seduced me...
...she commandeered my plans,
made them her own. She used me
I'll admit it was for, like,
a really good fucking cause...
...but she honeypotted me.
Yeah. Well, good riddance.
I hated that fucking bitch.
Really?
No. Just thought
it'd make you feel better.
That was your one true love.
Now she's gone.
Doesn't make me feel any better.
Well, you have us.
And we love you!
We all love each other!
'%\nd as the Nonn Korean coastline
receded in the distance...
...we heard the crackle of gunhre.
It was the beginning of a revolution.
A revolution Aaron and I had started.
- Of course, in a tale like this...
- Malcolm.
You might expect to End some...
...hot CIA honeypot bombshell."
"Maybe a few drones...
...or a secret CIA watch."
- You got Skype.
- So good to see you.
Wait, someone else wants to say hi.
Guess what we named him?
Kim Jong-un!
That's a little fucked up, no?
t's super fucked up.
But he's Cute.
"But there was none of that.
No.
This was a revolution...
...ignited with nothing more
than a camera...
...and some questions.
Questions that led a man...
...once revered as a god...
...among mortals...
...to cry and shit his pants."
The end.
Thank you.