The Last Bus (2021) Movie Script
Take me away from this place, Tom.
As far as we can go.
This'll be alright, Tom.
North Biscay, southwest veering northwest
five or six.
Rain and showers, moderate or good.
South Biscay, variable...
...veering northwest, five or six.
occasionally gale eight.
1,038.
Expected 100 miles south of Iceland.
1,037 by midday tomorrow.
The aerial forecast...
...North Utsire,
north-westerly, five or six.
Here y'are. Tea's up.
Ooh! Lovely.
How's those carrots looking?
Prize winners, the lot of 'em.
Thank you.
Cromarty fourth, Tyne, Dogger
North, five to seven occasionally poor.
First thing...
Ah, Thurso...
East Kilbride...
Liverpool...
Through the Cotswolds...
Take that way...
Somerset...
Here we are. Land's End, God willing.
Hello, Mr. Harper.
Hello, children.
Hi, Mr. Harper.
- Hello, Issy.
- Are you going somewhere?
- I am indeed.
- Where to?
Oh, far, far away.
That sounds exciting!
Come on now, Issy.
You'll be late for school.
Good morning, Mr. Harper.
Morning.
- Tom.
- Stuart.
Where to?
Land's End, please.
Eight hundred miles away?
Eight hundred and thirty-eight, actually.
And a lot of buses like this.
Are you taking the piss?
Don't you start.
That's enough.
Sorry.
No.
Uh-uh-uh!
Mm, mm...
Jeezo, Rory, sit down!
Please.
What's this?
D'you want a hand?
No, thanks!
Want me to take a look?
What you playing at?
Ain't gonna shift itself, is it?
Go on then.
OK!
Keep it coming!
Put your back into it!
Right, that should do it.
Shut up.
Young Mr. Ogilvy, isn't it?
Yes.
Thomas Harper.
Used to work for your grandfather.
Really?
Yeah, I was a mechanic, on the estate.
He was a good man.
That's a matter of opinion.
Look, Granny!
Shit. Oh!
I haven't asked for much
over the years, Mary.
I'm sorry, Tom.
I can't do it.
I can't face going back there.
By now, I thought you would've...
The pain would've gone?
It never will.
I never want it to.
No, because if you really cared,
then why would you even...
Ah, but that... No, look, it doesn't
matter because I know that you're lying.
I know you were with him.
Right, well, it doesn't matter...
cos it's too late, I'm going.
Alright, mate?
Yeah.
How old are you?
Very.
So, were you, like...
were you in the war?
I was.
The First World War?
Second.
- Right.
- I was a stretcher-bearer.
So you did nae shoot anyone?
No, no.
How old were you?
Fifteen.
They let you join the Army at 15?
I lied about my age.
I'm joining up.
Fancy a bit of soldiering, do you?
Why not, eh?
You tell me.
So what does a stretcher-bearer do?
Well, you had to choose between the lad
with his face full of shrapnel
or the one with his legs blown off.
What's your name?
Tom.
- And hers?
- Eh?
The girl.
It's Katie.
You joining up because of her?
No.
Jack!
Gimme those, you little...
Goodness sake!
- Kids.
- It's alright.
So why are you doing it then?
The noise out of them!
The smell...
- This is ridiculous.
- Get them off!
Stop your moaning.
Those glaikit chops-to-be
have more manners than the lot of you!
So, that little bit goes...
in there, like that.
Right, you flatten him down.
Then we fold him over,
got to get that right there
and his little legs here.
There.
Oh, he's a bit tricky.
That's right, that's it. Now...
With a bit of luck, he should go...
There! Oh!
You caught him! Well done.
- What do you say to the man?
- Thank you!
That's alright.
My da used to make them for me
when I was a kiddie.
Aye?
Really?
Only time I ever seen a smile on his face.
Are you gonna give him a name?
Eh, I think I'll call him...
Froggy.
- Aye.
- OK, OK. Original!
- Yeah.
- Where you off to?
Oh, Cornwall, yeah.
Cream teas?
Aye.
Froggy, oh...
Oh, right, well...
- Oi! You! Come back!
- Oh, your bag!
My case!
She's got my case there!
What the hell were you doing,
taking that old man's case like that?
Ya wee shit!
W-where is she?
She's doon there, in amongst the rubbish
where she belongs.
Just give me that back.
There's nothing for you to sell in there.
Here, take... Take this.
Here...
Don't be giving her money.
No, here, here.
Hey.
Hand it over.
Or you're gonna get a taste of my pal.
No, no, there's no need for that.
Oh, there's every need.
No, no. Here, here. It's alright.
Take this, here.
Here.
That's it. Here.
Oh!
- You alright, Grandad?
- I'm alright. I'm alright...
J-Just wanted my case. That's all.
Take care, then.
I'm alright.
Hmm...
What can I get you?
It's exactly like I remember it,
all those years ago.
Wish I could say the same
about myself, pal.
Steak pie, please.
Chips?
Yeah, thank you.
You've got secondaries in your lungs
liver and kidneys.
Can anything be done?
The tumours are inoperable.
What about radiotherapy or... chemo?
I'm afraid not.
How long?
- We don't...
- How long?
Months.
Hey, what...
- End of the line, boss.
- What?
Show's over.
This is the depot.
Oh, right. I've missed my stop, have I?
I would've woke you up
if I'd have known. Sorry.
Yeah, you... you don't understand.
But...
Bloody hell...
You know you look like Paddington Bear
with that wee briefcase, mate?
Uh, yes...
I've got to find my B&B.
You'll be lucky.
Uh, what time's the next bus?
It's six.
Six? Yeah, but it's...
Aye, in the morning.
What?
Sorry, mate.
Well, where am I gonna stay?
Well, I would invite you back
to meet the missus
but you know what,
my kids are on a sleepover
and I'm on a promise, my man.
Taxi!
Taxi!
Taxi!
Bastard.
Bastard...
Hello?
Hello?
Hey, w...?
Hello, mate. Are you alright?
W...
Where... Where... where's my case?
W-What you done with that?
There you go. It's here.
Thank you!
I better call an ambulance.
No, no, no. No hospital.
No ambulance. No.
What are you doing out
at this time of night?
Well...
Fell asleep on the bus, that's all!
Where were you headed?
Oh, sorry, yeah. I've got a...
B&B here.
- It's in there...
- Alright.
On the second page, under...
On the outskirts of...
That's miles away.
Well, I can get a taxi. I got a card here.
It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg.
But I got to stick to our route.
You're bleeding!
- Hey?
- You're bleeding!
Aye... I just don't care, though.
You're coming home with us.
That's very kind of you. I can't...
It's either that or a hospital bed!
- No, no!
- Come on.
Come on. There you are, that's it...
I'm so sorry my hands are cold.
No, no, no.
It's fine.
Is Land's End home?
Oh, yeah... it was.
Once.
It's a long way to go on a bus.
Oh, well, it's better than walking.
What's waiting for you there?
Just... memories.
There.
Thank you.
- How's your patient?
- Thank you.
He'll live.
As nurses go,
she'd make a crackin' butcher.
Ey! Cheeky sod.
I put all your stuff in the wash.
Oh, that's very kind. Thank you.
Oh! Here she is.
Well, if it isn't our Eliza!
Hiya.
This is Tom.
- Found him lying down on the job.
- Hello, Tom.
Oh, please don't get up.
- Eliza?
- Oh, take no notice.
My name's Imogen.
Star of stage and screen!
Drama society musical, actually.
My Fair Lady.
Hence the charity shop penguin suit.
How was it, Mum?
It was alright.
Really?
It was...
ruddy brilliant, love!
Honest?
Amazing.
Thanks.
Right, I'm starving.
I'm not in till later anyway.
Y'know, I still think
you should go to drama college.
- Mm-hmm?
- Oh, I'm fine, Miss.
- Thank you.
- You were the star of the show.
She's gonna be a doctor!
Only public schoolboys can afford to act,
these days.
Tom's travelling from John o' Groats
to Land's End.
For charity?
At his age?
No.
Then why?
For my wife.
Oh.
Right. I think it's about time
you showed Tom what you can do.
No.
No...
I have often walked...
Dad!
- Down this street before
- May I have this dance?
Oh, no, no...
Oh, please!
Just a small dance.
- Please!
- Why not?
...am I several storeys high
Listen to that voice!
Knowing I'm on the street
where you live
Beautiful.
To think she wants to spend her life
handing out antibiotics!
Peter!
Are there lilac trees
in the heart of town
The idea is you're meant
to stop me chasing rainbows.
Can you hear a lark
in any other part of town?
He's a cracked record.
Does enchantment pour
out of every door
I bet you told your kids
to follow their dreams, eh, Tom?
...on the street where you live
Smile, everyone.
Eh?
Oh.
Who's my best girl?
You are!
Hi!
Dada.
Look, it's Mr. Bunny, Margaret.
You know, I think Mr. Bunny
might want some chips.
Shall we give Bunny one of Dad's chips?
Hey.
Greedy Mr. Bunny.
...like he was last night.
Let's just make sure he's OK.
...a couple of days off.
I don't see why not.
Tom.
You got family waiting for you down there?
I-I left a note there.
Sorry, I...
Well, I hope you make it.
Thank you, Peter.
Tracy.
Thank you very much.
That daughter of yours
is gonna be something special.
Hey?
Godspeed.
Thank you...
Bye.
Silent night
Holy night
All is calm
All is bright
Round yon...
We should've gone home,
when you asked me to.
It's not too late.
Isn't it?
I'll get us there.
I promise.
Excuse me.
You wanna sit down?
Oh, I'm fine, thanks.
Thank you, that's very kind of you.
Hello, gorgeous.
Anyone there?
I'm talkin' to you.
How can you see out of that thing?
Eh?
Do they...
Do they do them in widescreen?
Must be sweating like a pig in there.
No offence, that's like a...
sacred animal for you, isn't it?
Or am I thinking of a cow?
Excuse me.
Yeah?
I think that's enough.
- It's fine.
- Eh?
You heard me, son.
I can deal with it.
I'm not your son.
Small mercies...
Pipe down, Pops.
Seriously...
It's just a bit of bants, innit, babe?
He's drunk.
Yeah, well, that's... That's no excuse.
You what?
You're scaring her, boy.
We're having a laugh, aren't we, mate?
- Don't touch him.
- I don't see anyone laughing.
Can't tell what she's doing
behind that tent.
Just leave her in peace.
Please.
Or what?
We're all just trying to get
where we're going.
Bit profound for teatime, Grandad.
Why don't you just sit down?
I don't wanna sit down.
I think it'd be best for everyone
if you got off this bus.
I told you to sit down.
Just sit!
Hey!
- What's going on here?
- Are you alright?
Leave him alone!
You saw that! He... he slipped.
Shouldn't be picking fights at your age.
I asked you to get off of this bus.
I'm going nowhere.
You heard him. Off.
Just do one, mate.
Sling yer hook!
Get off!
What is this, Spartacus?
- Just go!
- This lad's getting off.
Be quicker to walk anyway.
Yeah...
- Take my seat.
- No, I'm alright.
Oh...
Just take it, will you?
Oh, I'd like my case there.
Thank you.
You alright, boy?
Yes. Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you, fine...
The traffic, eh?
You alright there, love?
Yeah, thanks.
Going to the match?
As if!
Ooh! Give us a swig.
- Get your own.
- Oh, don't be tight!
That's the last thing our Gracie is.
Alright, pal?
- Yes, I'm OK.
- Want a nip?
Uh... Uh, no.
No, thank you.
You're gonna puke in the morning!
Puke in the morning!
The way your eyes deceive me
With tender looks that I mistook
Where you from?
Cornwall, Land's End.
Right down the bottom there.
Spent most of me life
at the top of Scotland.
Oh, yeah, lovely! Oh, yeah!
...you remind me of
- Voices of angels...
- I'm a Glasgow boy myself.
You don't say.
Govanhill.
- Roses!
- Woo!
Came down here for a woman.
I went up there for one.
Women.
It's wrong, what they do to us.
Plain wrong.
Invitations
You call that singing?
Oh, it's better than you lot!
...love for you
The old fellas could do better than that,
couldn't you, lads?
Come on, pal.
- Let's show 'em.
- Oh, no, no...
Yeah, give us a song, Grandad!
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch
- Like me
- Lovely!
Come on, give us a hand here.
You... you don't want me singing.
The mood I'm in, I'll never stop...
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind
But now I see
Through many dangers
Toils and snares
We have already come
Wait, shh.
Twas grace that brought us safe
thus far
And grace
Hey!
Will lead us home
When we've been here
ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We've still more days
To sing God's praise
Than when we first began
Lovely.
Breakfast, seven till eight. No later.
for every quarter of an hour
that you go over checkout.
Which is nine sharp.
There's a fresh towel on the bed
but don't use the bath cos it'll run cold
by the time you fill it.
Kettle's a bit temperamental.
The switch is, y'know...
You might have to fiddle with it.
But it does work.
Bathroom's down the end of the corridor.
Thank you.
You're the boss! Maybe later, OK?
Sorry.
Just needed the loo.
Know where it is.
Uh, I asked for room one.
It's news to me.
No, but I...
I phoned, uh, to make sure.
You're next door.
But, um...
- You see...
- Any questions?
No, no.
Ooh! What've you done to your finger?
Oh, it's nothing.
- Doesn't look like nothing.
- It's fine, it's fine.
I could give you
a couple of plasters for that.
For a pound.
Is there no way we can swap rooms?
Right.
Right.
Two full English?
- Thanks, sweetheart.
- Can I get runny poached?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
Didn't have any complaints last night,
did ya?
No, I didn't.
What about?
The noise.
No. Why?
Fran's a dancer. She was, uh...
practising a few moves.
Well, I sleep in the basement, so...
How about you, mate?
Sorry?
Didn't disturb you last night?
Leave him alone.
Nothing I haven't heard before.
Man of the world, eh?
Been there, done that?
Bought and sold the t-shirt?
Stop.
Bye-bye.
Man of the world.
Goodbye.
I can't change a 20.
- I haven't got any less.
- It's not my fault.
- Yeah, but...
- Sorry, you'll have to get off.
- How am I gonna get to college?
- Taxi.
Invoice Daddy for it.
Students.
Right money there, love.
You're a star.
First day on the job.
You'll get the hang of it.
Ah, sorry, sorry...
Thanks, pal. Seats upstairs.
Are you going to the shopping centre?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello, stranger.
Mary.
Not looking your best, are you?
Something's not right.
It's been a rough trip.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Poor thing.
Don't know what's up with me.
You're an old git, my love.
I just want to keep my promise...
Thank you.
What for?
Waiting.
Oh, you're back with us.
You're a lucky boy.
Roof came right off that bus.
- Oh, I've got a thing I have...
- Ah-ah-ah.
Um, where am I, please?
Do I know you?
I...
Face looks familiar.
Were you in here last week?
No.
It'll come to me.
Oh, uh...
My case?
It's just down there by the side of you.
Mr. Harper, how are you?
Oh, hello.
How did you get that cut on your finger?
I, uh...
It's quite infected.
Cleaned it up a bit,
given you some antibiotics.
Left it any later
and might've been in a bit of trouble.
Oh, I see, yes.
I noticed some other injuries.
What?
How'd you get them?
Well...
On the way, I suppose, you know...
Uh, can I go now, please?
I'm... perfectly fine.
- Uh, Alicia?
- Yeah.
The old boy in Bay 3...
Oh, my bus man.
I remember him now! Amazing Grace.
I think we'll have to
keep him in overnight.
I'll call upstairs, have him booked in.
OK.
Mr. Harper.
- Yes?
- Mr. Harper!
- Yes?
- I read your medical records.
Would you like to come back
to the hospital?
I can't do that.
You're not a well man.
I've got a bus to catch.
What you've got is cancer.
Cancer of the liver, lung and kidneys,
I know.
That is why you need
proper medical attention.
If I go back into your hospital...
do you honestly think
I'll ever walk out again?
This isn't how it's meant to end.
How what's meant to end?
There's something I've got to do.
Let me on my way, please.
Thank you.
Mr. Harper, you had your bed
but not your breakfast!
Yes, sorry, I had no time.
Our brekkies have won awards!
I'm sure they have.
Artisan bangers, Cotswold Legbar eggs...
I just don't have an appetite, sorry.
But my Celia,
she's been frying up since six!
It is much appreciated.
- Oh, please come back!
- I can't.
- She'll do her nut.
- No, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
You don't know what she's like
when she's angry!
Tickets and passes, please!
Tickets and passes.
You got your pass there, fella?
Yes.
What's this?
It's my bus pass.
- No, no, no.
- What's up with it?
Well, this is only valid in Jockland.
- Is it?
- And selected routes
as you cross the border into civilisation.
- What?
- England, to you.
Yes, but I...
No, I've been on...
Off the bus!
One, two...
three, four... Oh.
I'm taking buses here.
Where have you come from?
John o' Groats.
Let me look at that.
You've bunked 300-and-odd miles.
I had no idea.
- Off.
- Oi!
He's hurt himself!
- Give him a break.
- He's an old man.
I'll pay for his ticket.
- What, for the last ten journeys?
- I'll organise a whip-round.
Then I'll enforce
the "no inflatables" rule.
No, thank you. I'll pay for myself.
This is ridiculous!
We are going nowhere
till Methuselah's got off!
Come on, fella.
Take your hands off of my case.
- Off.
- Hitler.
What's he done to you?
An old man!
You can't just abandon him here.
That's really nice. Well done, you.
What are you doing out here,
middle of nowhere?
Waiting for a bus.
Of course you are.
Get in the van.
No, I'd rather...
You turn down help from Ukrainian,
you break heart.
Got no idea where I'm going, have you?
I haven't got time for this.
I am Andrey.
Igor, Bogdan.
Tom. Tom.
I think I know you.
I doubt it.
Definitely.
If you say so.
You are brave man.
Me? No.
No, no, no.
You must come eat with us.
No, honestly.
Thank you, but if you could just drop me
- in the next town...
- We are having a party.
I'm not in the mood for a party,
thank you, I...
It is my wife birthday.
You cannot say no.
Exactly.
Give him a drink.
Oh, the bus!
Thomas!
I'm Maria.
Hello, Maria.
You must drink!
Oh, uh... Well, I'm not much
of a drinking man these days.
Oh, oh!
- Thank you.
- So, you go to Ends of Land?
- Sorry?
- On your bus!
Oh, Land's End.
That's what I said.
Mary?
Oh, Mary!
Mary... Mary?
My case...
Where... where's my case?
Can I have that back?
Please, give it to me...
Give me the case!
I'm sorry.
Sorry, boys...
Thomas.
Please wait.
No, Maria...
If I don't go now, I...
I don't think I'll be able to make it.
Wait. Please.
Please take this.
Oh, no, I don't need that.
Take it anyway.
Well, that's... that's very kind.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Come on, slowcoach!
- What?
- Over there.
Is that him?
If any of our lovely
listeners are out and about on a bus today
keep your eyes peeled
for a mystery pensioner
on his travels from John o' Groats
to Land's End.
If you spot him, say hello
or even text me a photo.
Your number one hit station in town.
What you doing?
I've got to give you...
Your money's no good on here, mate.
Go on.
What?
Oh, alright then.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Right, thank you.
Oh! No, no, no. Take a seat.
Any seat.
Thank you.
It's alright.
Alright.
I say, there!
What you doing out here?
- You got a problem?
- Back on the bus, pal.
Can you fix it?
Come on.
Can you fix it?
I'm not Bob the Builder.
I was a mechanic.
I gotta phone the depot.
No, you don't understand.
I'm running out of time, please!
Please, please, try it. Please.
Knock yourself out.
Get up there and turn it over.
Right, try now!
You did it!
You bloody did it!
As far as we can go.
Our...
Our baby.
Goodbye, my darling.
Come on, slowcoach!
Mad woman.
Pregnant, mad woman.
I love you, Tom.
Alright?
What are you all doing here?
We're here for you!
Put that down.
Have some respect.
Uh...
Right...
Excuse me, please.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Excuse me...
Love you, Mary.
Ready?
As far as we can go.
This'll be alright, Tom.
North Biscay, southwest veering northwest
five or six.
Rain and showers, moderate or good.
South Biscay, variable...
...veering northwest, five or six.
occasionally gale eight.
1,038.
Expected 100 miles south of Iceland.
1,037 by midday tomorrow.
The aerial forecast...
...North Utsire,
north-westerly, five or six.
Here y'are. Tea's up.
Ooh! Lovely.
How's those carrots looking?
Prize winners, the lot of 'em.
Thank you.
Cromarty fourth, Tyne, Dogger
North, five to seven occasionally poor.
First thing...
Ah, Thurso...
East Kilbride...
Liverpool...
Through the Cotswolds...
Take that way...
Somerset...
Here we are. Land's End, God willing.
Hello, Mr. Harper.
Hello, children.
Hi, Mr. Harper.
- Hello, Issy.
- Are you going somewhere?
- I am indeed.
- Where to?
Oh, far, far away.
That sounds exciting!
Come on now, Issy.
You'll be late for school.
Good morning, Mr. Harper.
Morning.
- Tom.
- Stuart.
Where to?
Land's End, please.
Eight hundred miles away?
Eight hundred and thirty-eight, actually.
And a lot of buses like this.
Are you taking the piss?
Don't you start.
That's enough.
Sorry.
No.
Uh-uh-uh!
Mm, mm...
Jeezo, Rory, sit down!
Please.
What's this?
D'you want a hand?
No, thanks!
Want me to take a look?
What you playing at?
Ain't gonna shift itself, is it?
Go on then.
OK!
Keep it coming!
Put your back into it!
Right, that should do it.
Shut up.
Young Mr. Ogilvy, isn't it?
Yes.
Thomas Harper.
Used to work for your grandfather.
Really?
Yeah, I was a mechanic, on the estate.
He was a good man.
That's a matter of opinion.
Look, Granny!
Shit. Oh!
I haven't asked for much
over the years, Mary.
I'm sorry, Tom.
I can't do it.
I can't face going back there.
By now, I thought you would've...
The pain would've gone?
It never will.
I never want it to.
No, because if you really cared,
then why would you even...
Ah, but that... No, look, it doesn't
matter because I know that you're lying.
I know you were with him.
Right, well, it doesn't matter...
cos it's too late, I'm going.
Alright, mate?
Yeah.
How old are you?
Very.
So, were you, like...
were you in the war?
I was.
The First World War?
Second.
- Right.
- I was a stretcher-bearer.
So you did nae shoot anyone?
No, no.
How old were you?
Fifteen.
They let you join the Army at 15?
I lied about my age.
I'm joining up.
Fancy a bit of soldiering, do you?
Why not, eh?
You tell me.
So what does a stretcher-bearer do?
Well, you had to choose between the lad
with his face full of shrapnel
or the one with his legs blown off.
What's your name?
Tom.
- And hers?
- Eh?
The girl.
It's Katie.
You joining up because of her?
No.
Jack!
Gimme those, you little...
Goodness sake!
- Kids.
- It's alright.
So why are you doing it then?
The noise out of them!
The smell...
- This is ridiculous.
- Get them off!
Stop your moaning.
Those glaikit chops-to-be
have more manners than the lot of you!
So, that little bit goes...
in there, like that.
Right, you flatten him down.
Then we fold him over,
got to get that right there
and his little legs here.
There.
Oh, he's a bit tricky.
That's right, that's it. Now...
With a bit of luck, he should go...
There! Oh!
You caught him! Well done.
- What do you say to the man?
- Thank you!
That's alright.
My da used to make them for me
when I was a kiddie.
Aye?
Really?
Only time I ever seen a smile on his face.
Are you gonna give him a name?
Eh, I think I'll call him...
Froggy.
- Aye.
- OK, OK. Original!
- Yeah.
- Where you off to?
Oh, Cornwall, yeah.
Cream teas?
Aye.
Froggy, oh...
Oh, right, well...
- Oi! You! Come back!
- Oh, your bag!
My case!
She's got my case there!
What the hell were you doing,
taking that old man's case like that?
Ya wee shit!
W-where is she?
She's doon there, in amongst the rubbish
where she belongs.
Just give me that back.
There's nothing for you to sell in there.
Here, take... Take this.
Here...
Don't be giving her money.
No, here, here.
Hey.
Hand it over.
Or you're gonna get a taste of my pal.
No, no, there's no need for that.
Oh, there's every need.
No, no. Here, here. It's alright.
Take this, here.
Here.
That's it. Here.
Oh!
- You alright, Grandad?
- I'm alright. I'm alright...
J-Just wanted my case. That's all.
Take care, then.
I'm alright.
Hmm...
What can I get you?
It's exactly like I remember it,
all those years ago.
Wish I could say the same
about myself, pal.
Steak pie, please.
Chips?
Yeah, thank you.
You've got secondaries in your lungs
liver and kidneys.
Can anything be done?
The tumours are inoperable.
What about radiotherapy or... chemo?
I'm afraid not.
How long?
- We don't...
- How long?
Months.
Hey, what...
- End of the line, boss.
- What?
Show's over.
This is the depot.
Oh, right. I've missed my stop, have I?
I would've woke you up
if I'd have known. Sorry.
Yeah, you... you don't understand.
But...
Bloody hell...
You know you look like Paddington Bear
with that wee briefcase, mate?
Uh, yes...
I've got to find my B&B.
You'll be lucky.
Uh, what time's the next bus?
It's six.
Six? Yeah, but it's...
Aye, in the morning.
What?
Sorry, mate.
Well, where am I gonna stay?
Well, I would invite you back
to meet the missus
but you know what,
my kids are on a sleepover
and I'm on a promise, my man.
Taxi!
Taxi!
Taxi!
Bastard.
Bastard...
Hello?
Hello?
Hey, w...?
Hello, mate. Are you alright?
W...
Where... Where... where's my case?
W-What you done with that?
There you go. It's here.
Thank you!
I better call an ambulance.
No, no, no. No hospital.
No ambulance. No.
What are you doing out
at this time of night?
Well...
Fell asleep on the bus, that's all!
Where were you headed?
Oh, sorry, yeah. I've got a...
B&B here.
- It's in there...
- Alright.
On the second page, under...
On the outskirts of...
That's miles away.
Well, I can get a taxi. I got a card here.
It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg.
But I got to stick to our route.
You're bleeding!
- Hey?
- You're bleeding!
Aye... I just don't care, though.
You're coming home with us.
That's very kind of you. I can't...
It's either that or a hospital bed!
- No, no!
- Come on.
Come on. There you are, that's it...
I'm so sorry my hands are cold.
No, no, no.
It's fine.
Is Land's End home?
Oh, yeah... it was.
Once.
It's a long way to go on a bus.
Oh, well, it's better than walking.
What's waiting for you there?
Just... memories.
There.
Thank you.
- How's your patient?
- Thank you.
He'll live.
As nurses go,
she'd make a crackin' butcher.
Ey! Cheeky sod.
I put all your stuff in the wash.
Oh, that's very kind. Thank you.
Oh! Here she is.
Well, if it isn't our Eliza!
Hiya.
This is Tom.
- Found him lying down on the job.
- Hello, Tom.
Oh, please don't get up.
- Eliza?
- Oh, take no notice.
My name's Imogen.
Star of stage and screen!
Drama society musical, actually.
My Fair Lady.
Hence the charity shop penguin suit.
How was it, Mum?
It was alright.
Really?
It was...
ruddy brilliant, love!
Honest?
Amazing.
Thanks.
Right, I'm starving.
I'm not in till later anyway.
Y'know, I still think
you should go to drama college.
- Mm-hmm?
- Oh, I'm fine, Miss.
- Thank you.
- You were the star of the show.
She's gonna be a doctor!
Only public schoolboys can afford to act,
these days.
Tom's travelling from John o' Groats
to Land's End.
For charity?
At his age?
No.
Then why?
For my wife.
Oh.
Right. I think it's about time
you showed Tom what you can do.
No.
No...
I have often walked...
Dad!
- Down this street before
- May I have this dance?
Oh, no, no...
Oh, please!
Just a small dance.
- Please!
- Why not?
...am I several storeys high
Listen to that voice!
Knowing I'm on the street
where you live
Beautiful.
To think she wants to spend her life
handing out antibiotics!
Peter!
Are there lilac trees
in the heart of town
The idea is you're meant
to stop me chasing rainbows.
Can you hear a lark
in any other part of town?
He's a cracked record.
Does enchantment pour
out of every door
I bet you told your kids
to follow their dreams, eh, Tom?
...on the street where you live
Smile, everyone.
Eh?
Oh.
Who's my best girl?
You are!
Hi!
Dada.
Look, it's Mr. Bunny, Margaret.
You know, I think Mr. Bunny
might want some chips.
Shall we give Bunny one of Dad's chips?
Hey.
Greedy Mr. Bunny.
...like he was last night.
Let's just make sure he's OK.
...a couple of days off.
I don't see why not.
Tom.
You got family waiting for you down there?
I-I left a note there.
Sorry, I...
Well, I hope you make it.
Thank you, Peter.
Tracy.
Thank you very much.
That daughter of yours
is gonna be something special.
Hey?
Godspeed.
Thank you...
Bye.
Silent night
Holy night
All is calm
All is bright
Round yon...
We should've gone home,
when you asked me to.
It's not too late.
Isn't it?
I'll get us there.
I promise.
Excuse me.
You wanna sit down?
Oh, I'm fine, thanks.
Thank you, that's very kind of you.
Hello, gorgeous.
Anyone there?
I'm talkin' to you.
How can you see out of that thing?
Eh?
Do they...
Do they do them in widescreen?
Must be sweating like a pig in there.
No offence, that's like a...
sacred animal for you, isn't it?
Or am I thinking of a cow?
Excuse me.
Yeah?
I think that's enough.
- It's fine.
- Eh?
You heard me, son.
I can deal with it.
I'm not your son.
Small mercies...
Pipe down, Pops.
Seriously...
It's just a bit of bants, innit, babe?
He's drunk.
Yeah, well, that's... That's no excuse.
You what?
You're scaring her, boy.
We're having a laugh, aren't we, mate?
- Don't touch him.
- I don't see anyone laughing.
Can't tell what she's doing
behind that tent.
Just leave her in peace.
Please.
Or what?
We're all just trying to get
where we're going.
Bit profound for teatime, Grandad.
Why don't you just sit down?
I don't wanna sit down.
I think it'd be best for everyone
if you got off this bus.
I told you to sit down.
Just sit!
Hey!
- What's going on here?
- Are you alright?
Leave him alone!
You saw that! He... he slipped.
Shouldn't be picking fights at your age.
I asked you to get off of this bus.
I'm going nowhere.
You heard him. Off.
Just do one, mate.
Sling yer hook!
Get off!
What is this, Spartacus?
- Just go!
- This lad's getting off.
Be quicker to walk anyway.
Yeah...
- Take my seat.
- No, I'm alright.
Oh...
Just take it, will you?
Oh, I'd like my case there.
Thank you.
You alright, boy?
Yes. Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you, fine...
The traffic, eh?
You alright there, love?
Yeah, thanks.
Going to the match?
As if!
Ooh! Give us a swig.
- Get your own.
- Oh, don't be tight!
That's the last thing our Gracie is.
Alright, pal?
- Yes, I'm OK.
- Want a nip?
Uh... Uh, no.
No, thank you.
You're gonna puke in the morning!
Puke in the morning!
The way your eyes deceive me
With tender looks that I mistook
Where you from?
Cornwall, Land's End.
Right down the bottom there.
Spent most of me life
at the top of Scotland.
Oh, yeah, lovely! Oh, yeah!
...you remind me of
- Voices of angels...
- I'm a Glasgow boy myself.
You don't say.
Govanhill.
- Roses!
- Woo!
Came down here for a woman.
I went up there for one.
Women.
It's wrong, what they do to us.
Plain wrong.
Invitations
You call that singing?
Oh, it's better than you lot!
...love for you
The old fellas could do better than that,
couldn't you, lads?
Come on, pal.
- Let's show 'em.
- Oh, no, no...
Yeah, give us a song, Grandad!
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch
- Like me
- Lovely!
Come on, give us a hand here.
You... you don't want me singing.
The mood I'm in, I'll never stop...
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind
But now I see
Through many dangers
Toils and snares
We have already come
Wait, shh.
Twas grace that brought us safe
thus far
And grace
Hey!
Will lead us home
When we've been here
ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We've still more days
To sing God's praise
Than when we first began
Lovely.
Breakfast, seven till eight. No later.
for every quarter of an hour
that you go over checkout.
Which is nine sharp.
There's a fresh towel on the bed
but don't use the bath cos it'll run cold
by the time you fill it.
Kettle's a bit temperamental.
The switch is, y'know...
You might have to fiddle with it.
But it does work.
Bathroom's down the end of the corridor.
Thank you.
You're the boss! Maybe later, OK?
Sorry.
Just needed the loo.
Know where it is.
Uh, I asked for room one.
It's news to me.
No, but I...
I phoned, uh, to make sure.
You're next door.
But, um...
- You see...
- Any questions?
No, no.
Ooh! What've you done to your finger?
Oh, it's nothing.
- Doesn't look like nothing.
- It's fine, it's fine.
I could give you
a couple of plasters for that.
For a pound.
Is there no way we can swap rooms?
Right.
Right.
Two full English?
- Thanks, sweetheart.
- Can I get runny poached?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
Didn't have any complaints last night,
did ya?
No, I didn't.
What about?
The noise.
No. Why?
Fran's a dancer. She was, uh...
practising a few moves.
Well, I sleep in the basement, so...
How about you, mate?
Sorry?
Didn't disturb you last night?
Leave him alone.
Nothing I haven't heard before.
Man of the world, eh?
Been there, done that?
Bought and sold the t-shirt?
Stop.
Bye-bye.
Man of the world.
Goodbye.
I can't change a 20.
- I haven't got any less.
- It's not my fault.
- Yeah, but...
- Sorry, you'll have to get off.
- How am I gonna get to college?
- Taxi.
Invoice Daddy for it.
Students.
Right money there, love.
You're a star.
First day on the job.
You'll get the hang of it.
Ah, sorry, sorry...
Thanks, pal. Seats upstairs.
Are you going to the shopping centre?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello, stranger.
Mary.
Not looking your best, are you?
Something's not right.
It's been a rough trip.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Poor thing.
Don't know what's up with me.
You're an old git, my love.
I just want to keep my promise...
Thank you.
What for?
Waiting.
Oh, you're back with us.
You're a lucky boy.
Roof came right off that bus.
- Oh, I've got a thing I have...
- Ah-ah-ah.
Um, where am I, please?
Do I know you?
I...
Face looks familiar.
Were you in here last week?
No.
It'll come to me.
Oh, uh...
My case?
It's just down there by the side of you.
Mr. Harper, how are you?
Oh, hello.
How did you get that cut on your finger?
I, uh...
It's quite infected.
Cleaned it up a bit,
given you some antibiotics.
Left it any later
and might've been in a bit of trouble.
Oh, I see, yes.
I noticed some other injuries.
What?
How'd you get them?
Well...
On the way, I suppose, you know...
Uh, can I go now, please?
I'm... perfectly fine.
- Uh, Alicia?
- Yeah.
The old boy in Bay 3...
Oh, my bus man.
I remember him now! Amazing Grace.
I think we'll have to
keep him in overnight.
I'll call upstairs, have him booked in.
OK.
Mr. Harper.
- Yes?
- Mr. Harper!
- Yes?
- I read your medical records.
Would you like to come back
to the hospital?
I can't do that.
You're not a well man.
I've got a bus to catch.
What you've got is cancer.
Cancer of the liver, lung and kidneys,
I know.
That is why you need
proper medical attention.
If I go back into your hospital...
do you honestly think
I'll ever walk out again?
This isn't how it's meant to end.
How what's meant to end?
There's something I've got to do.
Let me on my way, please.
Thank you.
Mr. Harper, you had your bed
but not your breakfast!
Yes, sorry, I had no time.
Our brekkies have won awards!
I'm sure they have.
Artisan bangers, Cotswold Legbar eggs...
I just don't have an appetite, sorry.
But my Celia,
she's been frying up since six!
It is much appreciated.
- Oh, please come back!
- I can't.
- She'll do her nut.
- No, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
You don't know what she's like
when she's angry!
Tickets and passes, please!
Tickets and passes.
You got your pass there, fella?
Yes.
What's this?
It's my bus pass.
- No, no, no.
- What's up with it?
Well, this is only valid in Jockland.
- Is it?
- And selected routes
as you cross the border into civilisation.
- What?
- England, to you.
Yes, but I...
No, I've been on...
Off the bus!
One, two...
three, four... Oh.
I'm taking buses here.
Where have you come from?
John o' Groats.
Let me look at that.
You've bunked 300-and-odd miles.
I had no idea.
- Off.
- Oi!
He's hurt himself!
- Give him a break.
- He's an old man.
I'll pay for his ticket.
- What, for the last ten journeys?
- I'll organise a whip-round.
Then I'll enforce
the "no inflatables" rule.
No, thank you. I'll pay for myself.
This is ridiculous!
We are going nowhere
till Methuselah's got off!
Come on, fella.
Take your hands off of my case.
- Off.
- Hitler.
What's he done to you?
An old man!
You can't just abandon him here.
That's really nice. Well done, you.
What are you doing out here,
middle of nowhere?
Waiting for a bus.
Of course you are.
Get in the van.
No, I'd rather...
You turn down help from Ukrainian,
you break heart.
Got no idea where I'm going, have you?
I haven't got time for this.
I am Andrey.
Igor, Bogdan.
Tom. Tom.
I think I know you.
I doubt it.
Definitely.
If you say so.
You are brave man.
Me? No.
No, no, no.
You must come eat with us.
No, honestly.
Thank you, but if you could just drop me
- in the next town...
- We are having a party.
I'm not in the mood for a party,
thank you, I...
It is my wife birthday.
You cannot say no.
Exactly.
Give him a drink.
Oh, the bus!
Thomas!
I'm Maria.
Hello, Maria.
You must drink!
Oh, uh... Well, I'm not much
of a drinking man these days.
Oh, oh!
- Thank you.
- So, you go to Ends of Land?
- Sorry?
- On your bus!
Oh, Land's End.
That's what I said.
Mary?
Oh, Mary!
Mary... Mary?
My case...
Where... where's my case?
Can I have that back?
Please, give it to me...
Give me the case!
I'm sorry.
Sorry, boys...
Thomas.
Please wait.
No, Maria...
If I don't go now, I...
I don't think I'll be able to make it.
Wait. Please.
Please take this.
Oh, no, I don't need that.
Take it anyway.
Well, that's... that's very kind.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Come on, slowcoach!
- What?
- Over there.
Is that him?
If any of our lovely
listeners are out and about on a bus today
keep your eyes peeled
for a mystery pensioner
on his travels from John o' Groats
to Land's End.
If you spot him, say hello
or even text me a photo.
Your number one hit station in town.
What you doing?
I've got to give you...
Your money's no good on here, mate.
Go on.
What?
Oh, alright then.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Right, thank you.
Oh! No, no, no. Take a seat.
Any seat.
Thank you.
It's alright.
Alright.
I say, there!
What you doing out here?
- You got a problem?
- Back on the bus, pal.
Can you fix it?
Come on.
Can you fix it?
I'm not Bob the Builder.
I was a mechanic.
I gotta phone the depot.
No, you don't understand.
I'm running out of time, please!
Please, please, try it. Please.
Knock yourself out.
Get up there and turn it over.
Right, try now!
You did it!
You bloody did it!
As far as we can go.
Our...
Our baby.
Goodbye, my darling.
Come on, slowcoach!
Mad woman.
Pregnant, mad woman.
I love you, Tom.
Alright?
What are you all doing here?
We're here for you!
Put that down.
Have some respect.
Uh...
Right...
Excuse me, please.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Excuse me...
Love you, Mary.
Ready?