The List (2023) Movie Script
1
(DANCE MUSIC)
MAN: You get engaged
and you can kiss them.
First you have to get engaged
in order to kiss someone.
-Those are the rules.
-We know.
If you kiss someone
instead of getting engaged
first, what's easier?
-Is it good?
-WOMAN: It feels good.
It feels like you're in love.
WOMAN 2: Oh, my goodness.
-They are hot.
-They're freaking engaged.
What happened?
WOMAN 2: You guys are so cute.
It's, like, gross,
I want to throw up.
(LAUGHS)
-That's after the drinks.
-MAN: Speaking of...
To Abby and Matt
on their engagement.
-Oh!
-Oh.
May you be each other's
silent guardians
and watchful protectors.
You may not be the couple
that New York deserves,
but you're the one it needs.
-Cheers.
-Cheers!
Did you just quote
The Dark Knight?
Uh, did I? I was just riffing.
Hmm. OK.
Now we know who's not giving
a toast at the wedding.
Or speaking
at the rehearsal dinner.
Or doing talking of any kind.
-Uh, rude.
-(LAUGHTER)
Matt, I'm still
your best man, right?
Dude, you know
I have three brothers.
They love you
because they have to.
I love you
because I choose to.
-I'm gonna get shots!
-Yeah.
Thank you. What a good guy.
Not the best man.
(LAUGHS)
-Sorry. I'm sorry.
-ABBY: You guys are amazing.
I can't believe you flew all
the way out from LA for this.
We did and we just...
and we came here for this.
That's it, nothing else,
because that's what
best friends do and stuff.
You got Hamilton tickets,
didn't you?
Second row. Supposedly
Aaron Burr spits on you.
(LAUGHS)
So... does it feel
any different?
It will when Matt's lease is up
and he moves in next month.
-Finally.
-Finally.
OK.
Oh, shot, shots.
-Thank you, sir.
-Thank you, thank you.
Oh, cheers.
-Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
-Hmm.
Guess who's at the bar.
Oh, shit. That's Kenzie Scott.
(ANGELIC MUSIC)
Is it just me,
or is she moving in slow motion?
She's definitely moving
in slow motion.
(ANGELIC MUSIC)
She's in town
shooting a Tarantino movie.
Wait, I thought she was doing
the new Christopher Nolan film.
She's doing both
at the same time.
Dude, take your shot.
Yeah, right.
What would I even say to her?
-I meant your tequila shot.
-Oh.
Uh, but... you could
go talk to her.
-She's definitely on my list.
-Hm-hmm.
What list?
You know,
my celebrity free-pass list.
Since when do you
have a free-pass list?
Oh, my God. You two
haven't spoken about this?
Well, I don't, like,
actually have a list.
But if I did,
Kenzie Scott would be on it.
You don't need a list
to want to be with Kenzie Scott.
True, dat.
Like if Oscar Isaac
walked into this bar right now,
we wouldn't be having
the same conversation?
Well, Oscar Isaac is different.
-He's Oscar Isaac.
-Uh-huh.
Kenzie Scott is just
such an obvious choice.
I didn't realize there were
bonus points for being original.
I don't know,
I guess I just expected
someone with
a little more personality.
I think maybe our lists
mean different things.
(LAUGHTER)
OK. So, who else
is on this list?
I... don't really know.
Who else is on yours?
I don't really know, either.
All right, that's it.
You guys are making lists.
OK, so the celebrities
should be enough of a reach
to feel like a fantasy...
With a hint of achievability.
-Nick Viall.
-That guy from The Bachelor?
-Yeah.
-Which season?
-Like, all of them.
-No, no, no.
There are no vetoes.
For Jack Black there are vetoes.
-No.
-Of course he wants Jack Black.
-Mark it down.
-Wrong.
Wrong?
-Wrong wrong.
-Kung Fu Panda.
-Emily... I'm sorry Emily who?
-Raja... Rajatowski.
-That was so close.
-No, it wasn't.
-Ratajkowski.
-Ratajkowski.
You can barely
pronounce her name.
So, what's that matter with her?
-Literally nothing.
-Hm-hmm.
-That's what's up.
-Yes.
-Chloe.
-Hmm?
You have been silent.
-Who is on your list?
-Tessa Thompson,
Margot Robbie, Selena Gomez,
Halle Berry, Sarah Paulson.
-Mmm.
-That's a really good list.
Ryan Reynolds, Adam Levine,
Steph Curry,
Chris Hemsworth,
Harry Styles.
Wait, I thought
you only get five.
Five from each side.
-Standard bi perk.
-Oh.
Ladies and gentleman, that is
how you do a list of strangers
you want to sleep with.
Chloe, ladies and gentleman.
(CHEERING)
You're so far away.
-...to be a part of?
-Oh, she's in it.
All right, so it is "Char-lize."
It is not. It's "Shar-lize."
All right, "Shar-lize Ther-on."
"Shar-lize Ther-own."
It's a very famous woman.
No, I don't think that's right.
-I think it's "Sharlize."
-I don't know what to tell you.
Like "throne." "Therone."
-Yes, "Therone."
-Is she the queen?
I don't know what that means.
-Hey, you gonna be OK?
-Yes.
Yep, we'll take her home.
Girls' night must carry on.
It's gonna be so much fun
carrying you both up the flights
of stairs when we get there.
Three flights of stairs.
-ABBY: I do, I really do.
-MATT: I believe you.
All right, guys. I'm gonna
walk back. Congratulations.
MATT: Good night, bro, thanks.
-Bye.
-Thanks very much.
-Ouch.
-MATT: Oh.
-Bye, babe.
-Bye. Love ya.
-Bye, ladies.
-CHLOE: Bye.
All right. You in? OK, bye.
Oh, shit, sorry.
Uh, no, it's OK, you take it.
Where you headed?
("LOVE LIKE THAT" BY SHEELA)
(EXHALES)
Ooh!
OK, just a teensy bit higher.
Just a...
No, no, no, just a little lower.
Yes. Yes.
-It's back in the same spot.
-It's perfect.
I'm gonna go check
on those cake balls.
Oh. No. Chelsea.
No, that's for later.
-It is later.
-Look, I know Abby's late,
but we're all just gonna
wait for her before we dig in.
Mmm, sorry, no.
Five-second rule.
That's not what that means.
Really good.
(SIGHS) OK.
MALE VOICE:
And if we keep up our energy,
our focus, our drive,
then together, we will build
something truly special,
here in our beloved New York.
Thank you.
-Thank you, everybody.
-(APPLAUSE)
Mayor Capozzi.
I had some thoughts
on your global warming speech.
That's not for three months,
Abby.
Trying to get a head start.
-Isn't your bridal shower today?
-Yes.
But that doesn't start for...
ten minutes ago. Shit.
Not to worry,
I've got you covered.
Thank you, sir.
C Train should get you there
in no time.
(LAUGHS)
Good luck, Abby.
-She's working, isn't she?
-Working? Uh, but... No, no.
Uh, she is... she's actually
getting a blow-out.
Chloe, we both know my daughter
doesn't take time
to blow anything.
-Uh, what?
-Hi.
I don't mean to cause alarm,
but the gelato is melting.
You mean the ice cream?
Yes. It's like ice cream,
but it's, um, from Italy, so...
Can't we just put it back
in the freezer?
Yes, perfect. Or we could
use the back-up gelato.
Hmm!
There's back-up gelato? I...
-(PHONE RINGS)
-Oh, my God.
Abby, where the hell are you?
We're on the back-up gelato,
Chelsea keeps eating
all the cake...
-Who's Chelsea?
-I thought you invited her.
Oh, OK. Let's go.
(SOFT JAZZ MUSIC)
Hi, everyone.
Thank you so much for coming,
and for celebrating
with the bride-to-be, Abby.
We have a little surprise.
Before Matt gets here,
he wanted to share some of
his favorite moments with Abby.
And because he wants everyone
to see, he, uh,
just posted
a little trip down memory lane.
Hi, everyone. Hi, babe.
Uh, before Abby and I
walk down the aisle,
I thought it would be fun
to retrace the steps
that led us here to this
moment.
And it all started here,
in Washington Square Park...
(LAUGHS)
...where Abby and I
had our first kiss
while she was still
in law school.
And this is our bar.
Our Thursday night spot
where everybody knows our name.
Hey, dipshit, you gonna order?
He's talking to somebody else.
(LAUGHTER)
This is where I asked Abby
to make me the happiest man
in the world.
Figured if she said no,
I could just... jump off.
Oh, he, uh, he's going live.
This is unexpected.
MAN: You are seriously
the luckiest guy I know.
Yeah, she is pretty perfect.
She's not pretty perfect,
she is perfect.
She is perfect. She is a ten.
You're like a three, at best.
Maybe a four
with a good filter.
MATT: All right. Thank you.
MAN: She's a "swipe right,"
you're a "swipe left,"
and then again
to make sure it takes,
and then throw your phone
in the river
and burn it to make sure
it doesn't work.
OK. I'm sensing
a little jealousy here.
I don't know too many people
that get to be with someone
so, I don't know, famous.
MATT: Still seems crazy
to me too.
MAN: You definitely checked
the best name off your list.
I mean, she's like a movie star
and not just any movie star
but the movie star.
-I'm the one who saw her first.
-This is not working! Shit!
Come on. Seriously, man.
I cannot believe that you...
-Fucked Kenzie Scott!
-(WOMEN GASP)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Uh... (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
I can't believe you.
We're supposed to get married
in three weeks.
-Can we not do this here?
-Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me know
a more appropriate venue
to discuss
you fucking Kenzie Scott.
You were not supposed
to find out this way.
Was Kenzie Scott
going to jump out
of my wedding cake
and tell me?
Matt, there you are. Hi.
I know you were excited
about the cake balls.
Did they bring them out on time?
Why don't you ask Kenzie Scott?
Sounds like she's been handling
the balls lately.
Matt, were your balls
handled OK?
OK.
Abby, listen to me,
it was just a one-time thing.
Was this that night at the bar?
The fucking night
we got engaged.
I thought it was OK
because she was on my list.
Matt, we made those lists
when we were drunk
celebrating with friends,
and five minutes later
you're crossing off names?
If it was reversed, you wouldn't
have done the same thing?
No! No! Because I would never
do something like that to you.
-Well, maybe you should.
-What?
Maybe you should sleep
with a celebrity too.
-And then we both did it.
-Both did it? (SCOFFS)
This isn't like
getting matching tattoos.
Wait, where are you going?
-I can't do this right now.
-Will you please come inside?
Is that a question
or a request from Kenzie Scott?
(MUSIC BLARING)
-(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
-(GASPS)
Abby. You got a sec?
(TURNS MUSIC OFF)
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
-Come in, sit.
-Hello, sir.
So, you've been working
on this speech for three days.
Yes, sir.
I put some real sweat into that.
Yes, I noticed the ink smudges.
-And is this blood on page four?
-Oh, no, that's ketchup.
Wait, page four?
-Yeah, that's blood.
-Yeah.
Abby, I don't know
the best way to say this,
so I'm just going to say it.
This is the worst thing I've
ever read in my entire life.
-Oh, boy.
-The rhetoric is contentious.
You typed half of it in caps.
And you used the phrase,
"End of the world as we know it"
four times. No, five.
I was, uh, really trying
to hammer home
the gravity of the speech.
I'm delivering this
at a pre-school.
I'll get started
on a new draft.
Yeah, about that.
I haven't told many people
this yet, but...
I'm about to announce
my bid for president.
-Sir, that's... that's amazing.
-Yes, it is. For me.
Abby.
You've written every word
I've spoken in public
for the past two years.
And I think I know you
well enough
to know
when something's not right.
And with campaign season
right around the corner,
everything has to be.
So, my campaign manager
is bringing in Avery Gordon.
-Avery Gordon. That's amazing.
-Yes.
Again, for me.
Sir, are you firing me?
Well, technically,
Cindy from HR will do that,
but, yeah, I'm letting you go.
Take care of your personal life,
Abby.
The writing will come back.
Oh... So, so that's it then?
Well, there's quite a bit
of paperwork
you'll need
to fill out, but yeah.
Right.
CAPOZZI: Oh, and, Abby,
one more thing before you go.
Shred this for me, will you?
Run it twice through.
We can't risk it getting Argoed.
That would be bad.
Yes. For you.
(ABBY GROANS)
My life is over. I've wanted
this job for 20 years.
You wanted to be a speech writer
since you were seven?
Now it's gone.
All because my fianc slept
with Kenzie fucking Scott.
Hey, you're gonna
get through this, OK?
We just gotta figure out
what the next step is.
I was thinking that too,
so I started coming up
with a new list.
-OK, good.
-Grease fire. Pool of acid.
-Wood chipper...
-"Ways Matt should die?"
How is this productive?
There's some good ideas
on there.
"Trial by combat
with The Mountain?"
This is not productive.
Remember when Sam
broke up with me?
I was hung up on her for weeks.
But I got over it.
You still masturbate
to her porn doppelgnger.
And it's been really helpful
with the grieving process.
Leave the bottle. People
don't do that in real life.
You know what?
Maybe you just need to get away
for a little while.
How about you come stay with me
in LA?
I can't go to LA. I'm getting
married in three weeks.
Are we still doing that?
(SIGHS) I don't know. We just
have so much history together.
I guess I'm just not ready
to call off the wedding.
Then don't,
and come stay with me.
I mean, what better way to clear
your mind and figure things out?
Besides, when was the last time
you even took a vacation?
Chloe, I had a job.
I couldn't just tell my boss
"Hey, I'm taking time off
to unwind and relax.
Hope my job's there
when I get back."
That is literally
what a vacation is.
Oh.
(SIGHS) Abby, I think this
could be really good for you.
You're doing this.
-OK, fine.
-Yes!
Wow. I didn't think
that was gonna work.
-Great.
-Whoo!
("EVERYDAY SATURDAY"
BY SANDFLOWER)
Abby, it's Matt again.
I'm so sorry.
Please, I just need
to hear your voice.
Al fresco. You can't really do
that year-round in New York.
Perfect weather...
A plant wall. I'm already
getting positive vibes here.
Hey. Everything OK?
Soup's cold.
It's gazpacho.
Well, then it's too hot.
Come on, Abby.
I promise this trip
will help you clear your mind
if you just let it.
In fact, this is
gonna be our spot.
You and I are coming here
every day.
You know what? This place sucks.
-Maybe we should just...
-No, it's totally fine.
It's not like the billboard
fucked my fianc.
You really... She doesn't
eat carbs. Sorry, guys, sorry.
-Can we get some more bread?
-OK, let's go.
We'll pay for that.
(SIGHS) Indoor dining.
This is where it's at.
More intimate, no large signage,
the acoustics are predictable.
-Are you sure you're OK?
-(SNIFFS)
Wait, did you take another
one of those pills
I gave you on the plane?
Yeah, I'm OK. I'm way OK.
-Uh...
-It's fine.
Oh, OK, um, we are gonna go.
We're gonna go home.
-Shh.
-Oh.
OK, we are going now. Let's go.
Psst. It's Nick Viall.
Great. The guy from
The Bachelor. Can we please go?
Maybe Matt's right.
Maybe I should sleep
with a celebrity on my list.
CHLOE: Why are you talking
to a complete stranger?
What would you even say to him?
I'm a speech writer.
Sorry, was that
the entire answer?
I happen to be a ninja
with words.
Abby, you write speeches
about curbing carbon emissions.
The only guy that gets turned on
by that is Al Gore,
not the guy from The Bachelor.
Hey, are you guys
ready to order?
do you see that fine gentleman
just over yonder?
-She's British?
-You mean Nick Viall?
-Do you think I have a shot?
-A shot at what?
You know...
-(CLICKS TONGUE)
-Oh. Oh, uh... Oh.
-Sexual intercourse.
-Yeah.
Uh, yeah. Yeah. Celebrities
are just like normal people.
Cool.
We're just gonna need a minute
to go over...
-Oh.
-...her life choices.
-Yeah, take your time.
-Thanks.
-Chloe, this is happening.
-Oh, God.
I have three weeks
before my wedding,
I'm gonna sleep
with a celebrity from my list.
That is a super-weird thing
to say.
-Here I go.
-Oh.
-Ooh.
-OK.
Please don't grab a flower.
Please don't grab a flower.
-Excuse me.
-And she grabbed the flower.
(SIGHS)
-Nick.
-Oh, boy.
Will you accept this rose?
That's a daisy.
-You're so funny.
-Well, I know my flowers.
Well, I just wanted
to come over here
and let you know that...
you are on my list.
-Your what now?
-You know, my free-pass list.
Like we could...
Oh, your list.
Wow, this is really happening.
Um, I don't mean to be rude.
But thanks but no, thanks.
I'm kinda off the market.
See, that's the great thing
about the list.
-Hm-hmm.
-Nobody gets in trouble.
I really don't want to know
what that means.
It means I'm here
for the right reasons.
OK.
-And the wrong ones.
-OK, um...
I think this might actually
be working.
I told you. They're just
like everybody else.
Wouldn't you have to be
on my list too?
Are you saying I'm on your list?
-I'm saying you're on a list.
-(LAUGHS)
Except for her.
That is Nick's girlfriend and
she is not like everybody else.
-Hon.
-What's going on here?
-Hey. This is, uh...
-Looks like fun.
-Abby!
-Her? What do you mean?
That's Leyna Stone. She once
stabbed a waiter with a fork
because she didn't like the way
he poured her water.
-Come on, that can't be true.
-Oh, yeah? It can't be true?
-Look at this.
-Oh, shit!
Abby was just trying
to sell me candy.
Uh, no, I was trying
to screw you.
Yeah, you were.
-Ten dollars for M&Ms.
-OK.
I'll melt in your hand
-and your mouth.
-OK.
-Hmm.
-And I'm done covering for you.
All right, are you seriously
trying to sleep with my man?
(LAUGHS)
Ah, well, they don't call me
"Downtown Abby" for nothing.
-I thought it was "Downton".
-Let's go to the fantasy suite.
All right. Can somebody
get me a fork please?
-I'm going in.
-Yeah.
Leyna. Nick. Hi.
Real big fan of your journey.
Sorry to interrupt, but I'm just
gonna steal her away for a sec.
-Thank you so much.
-Just a second.
What are you doing?
-You're embarrassing yourself.
-I'm embarrassing myself?
You know what? That's it.
I've seen enough.
I think I should
give you guys some... Oh!
-I am so sorry.
-LEYNA: Oh, my God.
I wouldn't worry. It's just
water, it'll come right out.
-It's not even on me.
-It's on me.
It's on me, babe. Come on.
Eye contact.
We talked about this in therapy.
-I love you.
-OK.
You look great.
Real ninja
with those words there.
Hey. I think you guys left this.
-Um, that's not ours.
-It's not?
Shit. I think I just stole
Leyna Stone's purse.
I'm sure
Leyna has plenty of purses.
Oh, yeah. Is she gonna be OK?
Yeah, she's fine.
We owe you one.
Well, for what it's worth,
I did think you had a shot.
Thanks.
-I should go back in there.
-No!
God, no.
-It's OK. That way.
-Thank you so much.
CHLOE: OK.
Hi! Let's just go over
the changes you emailed me, OK?
Um, so you want to incorporate
some darker hues.
Shouldn't be a problem.
You want straight vodka
for the champagne toast.
I like your style, girl.
And then you want
to walk down the aisle
to Taylor Swift's "We Are Never
Getting Back Together".
-Ever.
-Excuse me?
"We Are Never Ever
Getting Back Together."
Oh, of course. Yeah, of course.
"Never Ever." Got it.
Hi. She's gonna call you
right back.
You're doing a great job.
Thank you so much. Bye-bye.
-Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
-I love the gardenias. OK, bye.
Hey, no more drunk emailing
the wedding planner.
-I can't help it, Chloe.
-TV: ...for you this morning.
Kenzie Scott is in the studio.
So, everyone's talking
about that cave scene.
Hm-hmm, yep.
-It's not for the squeamish.
-Shit.
-No.
-KENZIE: Which includes me.
You know, I get light-headed
from a paper cut.
Oh, let's just
move these away then.
(LAUGHS)
-So, I hear you're single now.
-Hm-hmm.
And we all want to know,
what's Kenzie Scott's type?
Oh, well, I wouldn't say
I have a type.
I do usually go for,
you know, tall, athletic...
Gotta have a sense of humor.
Am I right? Oh, and, um...
(GROANS)
I love it when a guy
is in a relationship.
Especially if he's engaged.
There is just nothing hotter
than sleeping with a guy
whose fianc
is totally clueless.
Oh, and the best part
is when she finds out
at her own bridal shower.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Right, Abby?
-Huh.
-CHLOE: Abby...
Abby. Abby!
Are we good on the self-torture?
Am I right?
Do you really think
I had a chance with Nick Viall?
Uh, sure.
In some alternate universe where
you don't OD on sleeping pills
and Leyna Stone
doesn't try to kill you. Why?
Well, everything's always been
about either my job or Matt.
Maybe it's time I finally
do something for myself.
What are you saying?
I have four names
left on this list.
If I'm going to sleep
with a celebrity,
we better get started.
This just got sexy.
-Ooh!
-CHLOE: Oh, yeah.
OK, first things first.
As hard as it is
to become a celebrity,
it's even harder
to sleep with one.
Right.
The point is,
we need a damn good plan.
I'm talking Navy Seals storming
the Bin Laden compound.
(MIMICS GUNSHOTS)
This has to be surgical.
Yes. If only we knew
someone in LA
who gets paid
to work with A-list celebrities.
We are not calling Sam.
Your ex-girlfriend
is a talent agent.
We're trying to sleep
with talent.
We don't need help.
Did Luke Skywalker need help
to blow up the Death Star?
Yes. From Han Solo
and, like, 30 X-wing fighters.
Not to mention the old guy
who basically told him
when to shoot.
OK, just... Just trust me, OK?
Remind me.
Who else is on your list?
Mac West.
WOMAN: Action star Mac West
is blowing up the box office
yet again
with his new flick
"I'm Dead When I Say I'm Dead".
Just know,
I'm out here getting it done.
(THUNDER)
Was that thunder?
Y'all heard that?
Cooper Grant.
Sexiest Man on Earth
Cooper Grant
was spotted
on the red carpet last night
sans his sidekick Ari Miller,
sparking rumors of a rift
between these two best buddies.
Avon.
Emo rapper Avon
is on the top of the charts
and taking out the trash
with his sleeper hit
"Stare You Down To Doggtown".
And of course, Oscar Isaac.
Abby, we need someone
more attainable.
Uh, well,
there's always Jack Black.
Still vetoed.
(SIGHS)
We're gonna need more coffee.
This is gonna be a long night.
("NO REGULAS" BY SANDFLOWER)
Hm-hmm.
I find it kinda weird you had
all this yarn in your apartment.
What... What are you doing?
It's six a.m.
Check it out.
That is Oscar Isaac
on his #weeklyspinclass.
So, if you want to get "Inside
Llewyn Davis", we gotta move.
OK.
I don't see him.
What exactly is the plan?
It's fine. We have
six other studios to try.
If he doesn't show up,
we'll just sneak out
before the class starts.
Go ahead
and claim a bike, girls.
-Actually, we were just leaving.
-Sure you were.
Come on, ladies, hop on.
Girls, I have never had
a quitter in my class
and I'm not about
to start today.
All right, everybody...
it's time to grind.
Sorry.
How do you get your feet in?
Let's push it.
Only 40 minutes left.
Forty minutes?
Are we time traveling?
INSTRUCTOR:
That's 40 opportunities
to do better than
the loser you are right now.
We're not moving. We're just
here. We're never leaving.
Mommy!
INSTRUCTOR: You're the hill.
You're the hill.
And climb. And climb.
-Time.
-Oh.
Oh, God. OK.
-Come on.
-What? Why are you stopping?
Next class starts
in five minutes.
Oh, legs weren't ready.
MALE INSTRUCTOR:
Press in. Press in!
You're not pressing in.
Wake up!
You're a bad, bad man.
MALE INSTRUCTOR: If you chose
easy, you chose the wrong door.
(SCREAMS)
Glad to see you girls
are back for round two.
Uh-uh. What did I say
about quitters?
Hey. My favorite customers.
Hey.
I didn't really peg you guys
as the spinning types.
Are you kidding?
This is our fifth class today.
We love health.
Nice. I try and take this class
every week.
-But it's hard to get a bike.
-Why's that?
Oscar Isaac
joins this class sometimes.
But he's not here this week
so... lucky you.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Lucky us.
All right, everyone. Mount up.
Lucky number five. (LAUGHS)
-Oh, OK.
-OK.
(MOANS)
-Yay.
-(LAUGHS)
Your feet
aren't even in the pedals.
You're literally
not moving your legs.
And time.
Great job, Jake.
I think you guy's bike
was broken.
It says you only moved 40 feet.
Oh, shoot.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, do you still owe me one?
Oh, I can't, I'm sorry.
I have to go ice my vagina.
-But maybe she can.
-Well...
My friend
was supposed to help me
with some photography work
but he just canceled.
What exactly
do you need me to do?
You're up, New York.
Let's see what you got.
All right, folks, can I have
everyone take a few steps back?
We need to clear this one area.
Thank you.
(MESSAGE TONE)
Excuse me, ma'am?
Is this the part of the tour
where we can ask questions?
Uh, what?
Who was the first star
on the Walk of Fame?
Great question. That would be
Marilyn Monroe in 1957.
Part of Hollywood's celebration
of strong female leads
in American cinema.
Says here
it was director Stanley Kramer.
-Where'd you get that thing?
-All right, I think I got it.
All right, folks.
Uh, thank you for your patience.
Feel free to walk around,
take in the sights.
And you might want
to return that guidebook.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
So you let some air in,
cork the bottle,
and then give it as a souvenir?
Yeah, that's what
the pictures are for.
-So, you're selling air?
-No, I'm selling a novelty.
-Made of air.
-OK, listen.
People are always rushing
from place to place.
Sight Sealing
forces you to stop,
literally take
in the air around you,
and you can preserve the moments
that you want
to hold on to forever.
You've rehearsed that before,
haven't you?
Like, a thousand times.
How'd it sound?
Impressive.
Good. I've been using it
at all of my pitch meetings.
Wow. Any luck?
They want to launch in New York,
but it turns out
there's all this red tape
for using images of landmarks.
Yeah, they can be pretty strict
about that.
OK, so I gotta ask, the thing
at the caf the other day...
My fianc
slept with Kenzie Scott.
Kenzie...
The actress Kenzie Scott?
She was on his free-pass list.
And apparently he took it
more seriously than I expected.
And so now you want to get
with someone on your list?
When you say it like that...
I just think
when your heart's broken,
you'll try anything
to make it whole.
Oh, no, yeah, no, I get it.
My first love broke my heart.
-Oh.
-I'll never forget it.
-I was in third grade.
-(LAUGHS)
I'm serious. Cheryl Conley.
We were supposed to meet me
by the slide during recess.
I searched the entire playground
for her.
And I found her holding Jared
Kay's hands on the swing set.
I haven't been
on a swing set since.
That is tragic.
So, uh, who else
is on your list?
I'm not going through
my list with you.
Why not? We could go back
to Hollywood Boulevard.
-(PHONE RINGS)
-You could practice
on a celebrity impersonator.
I could be your wingman.
-Hey, Chloe.
-Hey. OK.
So, I did some research
and it turns out Cooper Grant
is huge into CrossFit...
Chloe, Chloe, I appreciate what
you're trying to do, I just...
-I don't think it's working.
-Yeah, you're right.
Back to the drawing board.
I'll pick up some more yarn.
Actually, I made
an executive decision
and called in
some reinforcements.
No, you didn't.
(ABBY HANGS UP)
No, no, no, no, no.
-Hi, guys.
-Hi.
I'm just gonna send this email
really quick.
(CHUCKLES)
Don't rush me, don't rush me.
Hold on.
All right, just one second,
one second.
Just gotta send this
email.
OK. What exactly
do you guys need my help with?
Oh. First of all,
we don't need your help.
We are perfectly capable,
strong, independent women
and I'm doing just fine
on my own.
Are we still talking
about my thing?
Yeah, let's do you first.
Right. OK, so you know
how we made
those celebrity
free-pass lists?
-Well, Matt slept with his.
-Like, under his pillow?
No, no, he didn't sleep
with his list.
-He slept with Kenzie Scott.
-You're kidding.
So now I need to sleep
with a celebrity on my list.
That's so shallow.
I love this for you.
And I need your help.
Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no.
Sam, you're a talent agent.
So you know how one
might get in the same room
as, say, Cooper Grant.
Cooper Grant?
Yes. Half the population
is trying to sleep with him.
The other half
is trying to fuck him.
There are more achievable names
on the list.
-Who?
-Don't say Jack Black.
Mac West.
I love you guys, but good luck.
Bye.
Make sure Rachel validates you.
I told you she couldn't do it.
Excuse me?
Oh, uh, nothing.
I was just telling Abby
that there's no way you can
get to someone on that list
because you're not
powerful enough to do it.
Hold on.
I can get to these people.
I can get inside these people
if I wanted to.
-That's not the problem.
-So, what's the problem?
The problem, Chloe, is
I don't want to be an accessory
to celebrity stalking.
OK. We're wasting
our time here.
Wait. Wait, just wait.
Everybody just relax.
Just take a breath.
(SIGHS)
I happen to know Mac West
is in town filming a commercial.
(GRUNTS)
But you can't just walk
onto the set.
OK. Why don't you make her,
like, a writer or something?
Sure, Chloe,
I'll make her a writer.
And tomorrow,
I'll have her producing,
directing and starring
in the next Bond film.
-We'd like that.
-Cool.
Oh, my God. You're so adorable.
The AD there
happens to owe me a favor.
I can probably get you
on set as a PA.
-Great. What's a PA?
-You'll love it.
This is our tenth shoot
together.
You know
what I like to see.
-I won't let you down.
-New girl, where's my coffee?
In your hand.
Patty, what hand
do I drink coffee with?
-The left.
-Efficiency.
If we waste time doing this,
we fail.
Patty's the key PA on set.
Follow her lead.
Hey, I remember
my first day too.
I've pretty much
done it all since then.
I've been grip, key grip,
dolly grip.
-Shit, I've even been grip grip.
-Grip grip?
-I move the other grips around.
-Right.
Stick with me, you'll be OK.
-Thank you. I appreciate that.
-Absolutely, absolutely.
OK, now real talk,
you little punk.
You obviously knew someone
or blew someone
in order to land a PA job
last minute,
but I haven't been doing this
for 20 years
to be shown up by some
wannabe Greta Gerwig hot shot.
Now, you stay out of my way or I
will sink you like the Titanic.
Capisce?
Can we start over?
My name's Abby. And I...
Abby? I don't like that name.
I'm gonna call you Short Stack.
Uh, I'm... I'm average height.
Uh, yeah, yeah. Soaking wet.
I think we got off
on the wrong foot.
Oh, what foot was that?
Four foot?
Get to work, Frodo.
Oh.
I could dunk on her.
(MESSAGE TONE)
I wanna be able
to eat off of it, Short Stack.
Why would you wanna
eat off a wheel?
-What was that?
-What?
WOMAN: Patty, I'm gonna need you
to get Mac to the set in five.
Copy that last transmission.
Just need to deploy the wardrobe
and I will pick up Bald Eagle.
Back to one.
Who are these people?
(SIGHS)
-Hey. Uh...
-Oh.
Do you need a ride?
Oh, I thought Patty
was driving me.
(CHUCKLES) Well, Mr. West,
there's a new Patty in town.
Hm. Your name's also Patty?
Uh, no. Well, I see
how that actually
could've been confusing.
I'm... I'm Abby, the other PA.
Oh. Can I still call you Patty?
-I don't think that's really...
-Thanks, Patty. You're a doll.
OK. Um...
You know, I have to say,
I'm a huge fan.
I mean, when you jump
off of Pennington Tower
just as it explodes
and you're dangling
from the string.
You've got this
huge firehouse...
I do all my own stunts, Patty.
Come on, I'll take you to set.
-OK.
-(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
MAC: Real Patty briefed you
-on driving this thing, right?
-ABBY: Um...
Whoa! Let's keep this
under a cool five.
Uh, there's really
only one speed.
Whoa, whoa! Speed bump,
speed bump, speed bump.
Let's note that
for the ride back.
(COUGHS)
This coffee tastes different.
That'd be my special blend.
A dash of cinnamon
with some hazelnut.
(COUGHS) Did you say hazelnut?
You got that right.
It's my gammy's special recipe,
actually.
Dash of cinnamon
with a little hazelnut.
But it's really more like
a cup of...
-I'm allergic to hazelnut.
-What?
-(COUGHS)
-Uh...
-I think my throat is closing.
-What do we do?
-Do you have an EpiPen?
-No, but I have a Bic one.
-A what?
-A Bic one.
-A what?
-A Bic one.
-Trach me.
-Trach you?
I'm not traching you!
-Come on, Patty! My throat...
-(SCREAMS) Oh, my God. OK.
Oh, my God, this is happening!
One, two...
-What the fuck are you doing?
-...three!
-Real Patty.
-I've got your EpiPen.
-Assuming the position.
-(ABBY SCREAMS)
(MAC COUGHS)
I'm doubling up!
-What is happening?
-(WAILS)
(WHIMPERS)
-ABBY: Oh, Chloe.
-CHLOE: Well...
At least
it didn't mention your name.
Is there a reason
why we're meeting Jake
on some random
street?
ABBY: He said the food
is to die for.
(GASPS)
Whoa. OK...
-Hey, guys.
-(GASPS) God.
So, Celso is gonna whip us up
some of the best empanadas
you've ever had.
-You ready?
-Oh! So sorry, Celso.
CHLOE:
Yeah, we didn't mean to assume.
That's not Celso. We should go.
-Yeah.
-I kind of peed a little.
Oh, yeah.
Mm. Mm.
-Mm!
-Mm!
Holy shit.
Oh, yay!
Mm.
It's almost as good
as the street meat in New York.
Yes.
Did you just compare
LA's best empanada
to something called street meat?
Have you ever tried it?
No. No, I've actually
never been to New York.
-What?
-Wait.
You're starting
a souvenir company
and you've never been
to the world's biggest
tourist destination?
My parents traveled a lot,
just not with us.
I always thought Sight Sealing
would sort of be my way
to see the rest of the world.
I'll tell ya what.
When you make it to New York,
I will be
your official tour guide.
Deal.
Didn't you get us lost
trying to find Central Park?
-That was one time.
-The Central Park?
-The big one?
-Yeah.
Yeah, it's, like, in the center.
-Whose side are you on?
-And it's a park.
-(LAUGHS)
-One time. One time.
That was one time!
OK, I believe you. Jesus.
(SHOUTS) Don't you dare.
I need another one.
Look at you, all smiles.
They were really good empanadas.
Right. Must be the empanadas.
Nothing to do with the cute guy
who's clearly into you.
We're just hanging out.
Abby, I haven't seen that look
since your ninth birthday
when you got
that Barbie Dream House.
God, I loved that house.
Here we go. Who ordered
the tres leches cake?
-Oh, no, that's not ours.
-Shit.
-She's kidding.
-Oh.
I guess Chloe's can
go in the trash.
(IN SPANISH) Don't you dare!
-(PHONE RINGS)
-Oh, uh, it's Sam. Hey.
-Sam?
-My ex-girlfriend.
She's, like, obsessed with me.
I got you into
the A-List Film Awards.
The ALFAs? Are you serious?
Tomorrow, you will be at
the same event as Cooper Grant.
So, am I in
the audience or something?
Uh, yeah. Kind of.
What do you mean, kind of?
(MESSAGE TONE)
Your role as seat fillers
is to do exactly
as the job title says.
Fill seats.
Take a look out at the theater.
Look at the theater. OK?
See all those empty seats?
Those are the enemies.
But that makes you the...
heroes.
OK, well, before we run
some routes, I wanted to...
Excuse me,
are you practicing sitting?
Huh? No. Not me.
-Do you not know how to sit?
-No, that was her.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Let's go ahead and get ready
for tonight, all right?
When I'm walking, you follow me,
all right? Come on!
Thanks, again. Thank you.
Wait. Shouldn't you
be at this thing?
Yes.
I should.
Hmm.
Why am I so nervous?
Do you want me to tell you
everything will be fine
or do you want a list of things
that could go wrong
that are actually
making you nervous
because, I mean, I can think
of, like, 73 things...
-Please stop talking.
-OK.
MAN: We've got an open
next to Keanu. Keanu, OK?
We got, uh, some squirming next
to Cooper Grant over here, OK?
I see a possible bathroom break
happening here.
Um, OK. Let's get into position.
Who's on deck? OK.
Hi. Uh, excuse me. Do you mind
if I take the next one?
Short Stack.
Patty. You're a seat filler too?
You weren't at the rehearsal.
Well, you can't rehearse
perfection.
What are you doing here?
I didn't realize
they hire booster seat fillers.
-Seriously, I'm average height.
-Yeah.
What'd you get nominated for?
Best Short?
Let me show how
you it's done, kid.
Sorry, Patty.
Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.
-Oh, cute dress. Excuse me.
-Ow.
-Hello. Oops. Yeah. OK.
-Wow.
I'm gonna just...
All right. Oh.
That's your shoulder. Ooh, OK.
MAN: And now we bid farewell
to the bright stars
we lost this past year.
Uh, Stephen Mills.
I loved that guy.
-Huh?
-Oh, Stephen Mills.
Right.
Is that your acceptance speech?
Yes. But I doubt
I'll be reading it.
You're right.
Denzel's got this locked up.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I never really know
what to say in these things.
Well, um, if you need help,
I'm... I'm kind of
a speechwriter.
-Oh, yeah?
-Hm-hmm.
When you're not dominating
musical chairs tournaments?
A seat filler joke. That's good.
No, but really, I write speeches
for the Mayor of New York.
-Really?
-Hmm.
Wow. I love that guy's speeches.
-Really?
-WOMAN: Shh.
Well, Speechwriter...
maybe you can tell me
if this is any good.
Keep in mind that,
in some alternate universe,
I may actually have to give
that speech...
I'd cut the last two lines.
-What?
-And move them to the front.
Uh, the first thing you say sets
the tone for the entire speech.
It's your hook.
Oh, and this. This is good.
Uh, do you have a pen?
MAN: And the nominees for Best
Actor in a Leading Role are...
-Cooper Grant, "The Hedges".
-CHLOE: Oh, my God. That's her!
-How did she get next to him?
-That's it. It's done.
OK, let's not
get ahead of ourselves.
I'm a glass-half-full kinda gal.
Oh, really?
You think
sitting next to someone
is halfway
to sleeping with them?
-What?
-Quarter full?
What?
-Denzel Washington...
-What? What?
Get over there.
-I'm just kidding.
-And the ALFA goes to...
Cooper Grant, "The Hedges".
(CHEERING)
-OK. She looks like his wife.
-We did it.
-Wow.
-We did do it.
Wow.
(LAUGHS)
When I heard my name just now,
I thought,
"That's a weird way
to pronounce Denzel."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
So, this...
This one's for you.
-I wrote that.
-Thank you very much.
(SIGHS)
-Hey, speechwriter.
-Hi.
-We did it.
-Ah!
Shall we celebrate?
-Yes.
-Come on.
Hi, Abby, it's Matt.
I think I just saw you on TV.
I'll do whatever it takes.
Please don't shut me out.
Well, this is my flat.
Looks pretty three-dimensional
to me.
Right. OK,
I'm gonna hang my jacket up.
-Be back in a second.
-OK.
-Bonjour, darling.
-Oh, my God.
Sorry. Didn't...
Didn't mean to startle you.
Or did I?
Ari Miller?
Oh. You've heard of me?
Heard of you? Your movies
are hilarious. You've...
You've been nominated
for Best Actor three times.
Was I? That's right, I was.
Oh. I see you've met
my very well-dressed housemate.
It's Ari Miller.
I knew you guys did those
Undercover movies together,
but you live together too?
-That's so cool.
-Yes. It's so cool. Very cool.
It is so cool, isn't it?
That we live together.
-COOPER: Well...
-So cool.
-COOPER: Yeah.
-Very cool.
Um, are they just
giving those away these days?
-(LAUGHS)
-ABBY: Oh, hi.
I'm just kidding.
That's... That's awesome.
That's so awesome.
Plus you've almost caught up
to me in nominations.
You know, not... not quite,
but who's counting?
Um, anyhow,
we were just about to head out.
Actually, do you wanna
hang out here for a bit?
I'd love to see
the rest of the house.
I'm actually making
some spaghetti bolognese
if you're interested.
I've had it. Say you're a vegan.
I'll show you around.
OK. Um...
-Vegan.
-What was your name again?
Bye.
(LAUGHS)
-This is so crazy.
-What is?
Well, it's just...
You think that some people exist
on different planes
of the universe,
and then you get in
the same room as them
and... turns out they're just as
down to earth and normal as you.
-Oh, so I'm just... just normal?
-You know what I mean.
Sorry. I just have to ask.
Did you know
that I lived with Ari Miller?
No. I had no idea.
It's just...
Most girls, they come back here
just to get close with Ari.
-You're kidding, right?
-No. I completely get it.
The guy's basically
like a Greek god.
Which... Which god, exactly?
(HUMS)
Oh. Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
I didn't realize
you guys were in here.
Don't mind me.
I'm just gonna, um, use the tub.
-Huh?
-Why?
Do a little splishy-splashy.
Can you not splishy and splash
in your own bathtub?
I... I... I could.
You have your own bathroom.
I'd rather use this tub.
The water pressure...
OK.
He just, like, wanders in.
It's, like, how do I
compete with that?
-I sincerely have no idea.
-Oh, this was such a bad idea.
I shouldn't
have brought you here.
Hey. You are Cooper Grant.
You were on the Sexiest Man on
Earth list eight years in a row.
-Who likes him more than you?
-You mean besides Scorsese?
That was such a small part.
Well, bigger than your no-part,
now isn't it?
-Oh!
-You know what?
-OK.
-ARI: What?
That is it. I've had enough.
I'm sorry your girlfriend's
been ogling me all night.
ABBY: I have not
been ogling anyone.
Were you ogling him?
I don't even know
what ogling means.
What are you gonna do about it,
tough guy?
-Oh, no.
-(GASPS)
-That is it.
-Hey!
(ARI SHOUTS)
Guys?
ABBY: I don't think
this is appropriate.
(ARI SCREAMS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
CHLOE: So, tell me everything.
I just...
I just wanna get some sleep.
Wait, no, wait.
I want some details.
No... You don't.
Wait. Did something weird
happen?
You could say things
got weird...
when Ari Miller showed up.
No way. Ari Miller?
He definitely has BDE.
So, what happened?
Cooper, he...
He pulled an ALFA
out of his ass.
Yeah, I totally agree. That ALFA
was Denzel's to lose.
No, no.
Cooper literally pulled an ALFA
out... of Ari's ass.
I always wondered what they did
with those things
after they won.
I'm going to bed, and we are
never speaking of this again.
Is this a bad time to talk about
the next guy on your list?
Probably a bad time.
(MESSAGE TONE)
(PHONE RINGS)
Mr. Mayor. Oh, sorry.
Do I still call you that?
Well, I'm still the mayor, Abby.
Right. Of course.
You know, we've tried out
three different speechwriters
since you quit.
Actually, you fired me.
Details. I like that.
Having you gone
has made me realize something.
-I've missed ya, kiddo.
-I've missed you too, sir.
Here you go. Want your truck?
I was just saying hi to my son.
Sorry. Did you say something?
Uh, no.
Listen...
It just hasn't felt the same
with you not around.
So, I need you
to do something for me.
-Anything, sir.
-Get that sweet ass over here.
I guess I could catch a red-eye.
What was that? I was just saying
hello to the missus.
Oh, nothing.
Abby, nobody knows my voice
like you do.
I want you back
to write the speech
that launches my campaign.
(GASPS)
Uh...
So, what do you say?
You ready to sit
at the big-boy table?
-Abby?
-Oh, you're talking to me.
Yes. I'm in.
Great.
I'd like to see a draft next
week at the kickoff meeting.
See ya, buddy.
JAKE: Hey.
I was starting to think
you weren't gonna show up.
Sorry. Rough night.
Hmm. Try being a server
at a Real Housewives reunion.
You ready to go?
ABBY: I think you've seen
The Goonies too many times.
-You good?
-I'm a New Yorker.
I walk 30 blocks
to work every day
in three-inch heels. I'm good.
Well, I hear you, but...
hiking in LA
is a bit different terrain,
so you gotta watch every step.
I used to hike
up the Adirondacks
with my dad
every summer till I was 17.
-Really?
-No. (LAUGHS)
OK.
("SHADOW" BY BYLAND)
I honestly have never even
thought about it.
Every guy has a list.
I had a shot with J.Lo once.
She was on stage
and I was in the nosebleeds.
But there was definite
long-distance eye lock.
You think
this whole thing's stupid?
I think everybody has a fantasy
about spending a night
with a celebrity.
But I think finding someone
to spend the rest of your life
with, that's...
that's the fantasy.
Oh. I almost forgot.
I have something to show you.
(LAUGHS)
Sight Sealing's first prototype.
-ABBY: I like it.
-Yes?
-ABBY: Yeah.
-Yes.
Well, I hope Vanderton Capital
likes it as well.
I have a pitch meeting
next week.
After that, I don't really know.
Well, I think it's great.
And that's coming from someone
who's had very few moments
worth saving lately.
I wouldn't give up.
-What?
-We just met and...
you're already making me
believe in things
that I was starting to doubt.
Your company?
Your company, actually.
Just being here with you.
Forgot how nice it was
to have a moment worth sealing.
You think this is one?
I honestly can't think
of anything better.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Wow, you're really done, huh?
It probably wasn't
the healthiest way
to deal with things.
Is this about Matt or Jake?
I don't need
to chase celebrities
to prove something to myself.
Abby Meyers, I am proud of you.
(BOTH SIGH)
All right. So, now what?
Well, I'm supposed to see Jake
tomorrow night.
That's great.
Amazing. Fantastic.
Wonderful. Love that for you.
Are you OK? You just
turned into a thesaurus.
Yeah, it's just, um...
Sam and I have been spending
a lot of time together
and now I'm worried that because
you're done with your list,
I might be done
with the one girl on mine.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Sam's here.
OK.
So, I know my leads
have gone cold
-but they just got hot again.
-What's that now?
Just invites to the hottest
party in town tomorrow night.
A certain rapper
by the name of Avon
is rumored
to be in attendance.
-Yeah, Sam, about that...
-Can't wait.
Perfect.
I will go confirm all of us.
Hm-hmm.
I thought you were done
with the list.
You've been my lifeline
for the last three weeks.
The least I can do is be yours
for one night to win back Sam.
But you have plans
with Jake tomorrow.
I have all weekend
before I leave.
We're confirmed.
Whoo!
Are you sure?
Can't pass up a shot
at someone on your list, right?
(CHUCKLES)
-Whoo!
-Yeah!
(MESSAGE TONE)
(SIGHS)
("TRAMPOLINE"
BY MOTHER FEATHER)
-Are you ready? You look good.
-I am. Thank you.
You're really sexy
when I drink.
Oh!
I think that sounds like
an insult,
but I'm sort of OK with it.
-I'll go get more then.
-Yep. Yep.
You get many, many more
of those.
Go, go, my little angel face.
It's like the old Sam
and Chloe.
I know, right?
Thank you, by the way.
I mean, this means
so much to me.
-Cheers to you guys.
-Cheers.
Thank you.
-SAM: Abs, Chlo.
-Yeah?
Avon's right over there.
You gonna go talk to him?
It's why we're here.
-Yeah.
-Hm-hmm.
-Then go over there.
-Right. OK, yeah.
Now. Got it. Yeah.
(SIGHS) She's making me nervous.
-You did really great.
-Thank you.
OK.
Hi. I'm sorry. Oh.
Hey. I know this sounds
really weird,
but I need you
to go along with it.
Excuse me?
I need you to go along
with what I'm about to do.
Do you have a bomb
strapped to you?
What? No.
Cos you're kinda acting
like someone
who's got a bomb
strapped to them.
No. I don't have a bomb.
It's just... I'm trying to...
Don't look at them.
I'm trying to help my friend
get back together with her ex,
so I need to pretend
to hit on you
because you're on
my free-pass list.
Why do I feel like
I'm gonna regret this?
Just be cool, OK?
Cool.
She's totally doing this.
I wanna hear it.
-No, you don't.
-Yes. We'll be chill.
(LOUD) Yeah.
We do share
the same zodiac sign.
What's with the voice?
You're talking so loudly
all of a sudden.
You're doing
the bomb girl thing?
-You're...
-I think you're da bomb too.
-Right, um...
-Yes.
Has my heart known
love till this night?
That was so good.
AVON: In touching her,
make blessed my rude hand.
Did my heart love till thee?
Forswear it, sight.
-For I ne'er in truer beauty...
-Let's go over there.
-...than now.
-Did you just quote Shakespeare?
-Yeah. No good?
-No. Really good. They're gone.
Oh. OK.
So, I gotta say,
I get hit on a lot,
but never pretend hit on.
Oh. Well, thanks. I owe you one.
So, I didn't get your name.
Abby.
Abby, Abby, Abby.
It's just nice
to know the person
who's got you
on their free-pass list.
-Yeah.
-You know what I'm saying?
Um, you're on my list, but I
don't want to sleep with you.
Wow. You managed to objectify
and reject me
all in one sentence.
(CHUCKLES)
-Shit.
-What?
No, no, no. Don't. Don't look.
My ex is coming over here
right now
and she'd get really pissed
if she saw me here with someone.
So, pretend you're with me now.
-Like we just did?
-Not at all like we just did.
-OK.
-Just follow my lead.
-All right. OK.
-Come here.
Hey, you.
Avon, didn't know you were here.
Usually you demand
they play your music all night.
Oh. I don't demand it.
-The public does.
-Hmm.
Meet my girlfriend, Abby.
Hi.
Kenzie Scott.
-Nice to meet you.
-I didn't know you two dated.
"Dated." It was barely a month.
One I'm still trying to forget.
Don't worry, I pretty much
forgot it right when it started.
I can't believe
he slept with you.
Excuse me?
Thought we were following
my lead.
We were engaged.
Wait, you two are engaged?
I think what she means is that
we are engaged
in the first stages...
We were supposed to get married
next week.
Or not.
What exactly
are we talking about?
We're talking about
you sleeping with my fianc
because you were on
his stupid list.
-Who's your fianc?
The guy you slept with
in New York
when you were out there
doing those two huge movies.
-Matt?
-Yeah.
He was engaged?
I'm sorry.
Look, if I had known, trust me,
I would've spared my Louboutins
the climb to his walk-up.
Don't worry. Just a marriage
ruined for some fantasy night
with a medium-talent actress
who's only relevant
because of her...
very, very pretty face.
OK. You know,
I'm on a lot of people's lists.
So, maybe instead of
pointing the finger at me,
you should figure out
why your man acted on it.
-Hurricane Kenzie.
-Hmm.
Always leaving destruction
in her path.
Cute new girlfriend.
-Yeah, she's great, right?
-Hmm.
You OK?
Did I drive Matt away?
No, no. Don't start with that,
OK? None of this is your fault.
I just feel like every decision
I make is the wrong one.
Look, I get it. I've been there.
You feel totally lost
and then something happens,
and suddenly you're not.
Hey.
Hey, I'm really sorry
about what happened back there.
Not what I was expecting,
but sure.
Is this why you canceled?
-Jake. It's not like that.
-It kinda looks like that.
-Kinda felt like that.
-Avon. Not helping.
So, this is the guy
you're marrying next week.
You're still engaged?
You and Matt like to chase
after celebrities so much,
maybe you two belong together.
Jake. Wait, I... I should go.
-Um, great lips.
-All right.
Jake.
You have a fascinating
love life, Abby.
Jake.
Jake.
Please call me. I really
want to talk and explain.
I leave in a few days, and...
Hey, Abby.
Hi.
Could we go somewhere and talk?
Uh, yeah.
MATT: Sorry for surprising you
like this.
You weren't picking up
any of my calls.
Our wedding planner
called yesterday.
She was checking on the set list
for the band.
-About the wedding, I just...
-Wait.
Just before you say anything.
I just...
I don't want this to be
the thing that ends us.
If there is any small part
of you
that still wants to marry me,
please give me a chance
to make this right.
Why would I do that, Matt?
Because even if you don't think
I deserve a chance,
we deserve one.
Five years.
We were together for five years.
And what? You throw it
for a stupid one-night stand?
Look, if...
If you decide that you don't
want to speak to me again,
I'll respect that.
But then I want the last thing
you hear from me
to be these vows.
Because whether
we get married or not,
this is how I will always feel.
"Abby, when we first met,
it was love at first sight.
Then over the next few years,
I learned that the only thing
better than love at first sight
was love at every sight.
-You are a perfectionist."
-(LAUGHS)
"And somehow, I still managed
to get you to say yes
to marrying me.
So, I know now
that I don't have to be perfect
for us to be.
But I will spend the rest of
our days trying to be for you."
Do you really mean all that?
Every word.
I just... I just don't know if I
can go through with the wedding.
We will push it off.
Abby, we have
the rest of our lives together.
That's the part
that I wanna get right.
OK?
OK.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
OK.
We will figure it all out
when you're back in New York.
-Sorry. I'm just not ready.
-It's OK.
Hold me.
Goodnight.
Came all the way out here,
you still can't escape
a walk-up, huh?
So, everything with Kenzie Scott
happened the night
we got engaged?
You really wanna talk about that
right now?
Well, I just realized you were
living in your own place then.
The high-rise.
Yeah. So?
I just ran into Kenzie
at the party,
and she mentioned
you having a walk-up.
I...
It wasn't just that night,
was it?
It was also at our place
after you moved in.
How many times
did you sleep with her, Matt?
Abby, I'm sorry.
-I can't believe you.
-I promise. It's over. Abby.
-(DOOR SLAMS)
-Fuck. Fuck.
( "GOLDMINE" BY OSHIMA BROTHERS)
Excuse me.
What do you think you're doing?
-Uh...
-You can't just throw rocks.
You could've hurt someone.
ABBY:
I mean, they're pretty far away.
I'm sorry!
(RASPS)
Go.
Anything from Jake?
Maybe this is just
a really twisted road
to you ending up
with Oscar Isaac.
(LAUGHS)
Chloe, I never really
got a chance to thank you.
Abby, you're my best friend.
You never have to.
Plus, selfishly, I had no chance
to get back with Sam
without you.
I always knew
you two would end up together.
No, you didn't.
Literally was expecting
a restraining order.
Yep. That tracks.
What's for breakfast?
Oh, the Chloe Breakfast Special.
-Mmm. I love Cheerios.
-(LAUGHS)
Anything you want to do
before your flight today?
Not to be boring,
but I think I'm just gonna
get to the airport early.
I have a meeting for the mayor
when I land
and I haven't even thought of
the hook for his speech yet.
Oh, shoot. That reminds me.
Um, where...
Oh!
This came in the mail for you.
Holy shit, he did it.
Let's clip in, everyone.
You again.
Maybe the Mommy and Me class
is more your speed.
-But I'm not a mom.
-I was thinking more the Me.
Hey.
-Look, I really don't...
-No, hey. I get it.
But I just, I really don't like
how things went down
the other night.
It's fine. And honestly,
what you said...
-Was totally out of line.
-No.
You were right.
I was avoiding
the real reason Matt did it.
Turns out, it's because
he's an asshole
who never really cared
about me, so...
You girls recognize these?
They're called seats.
Now take one.
Isn't Jake
usually in this class?
Hasn't missed one in two years.
Said he had
some kind of meeting.
The Sight Sealing pitch.
INSTRUCTOR: All right, everyone.
It's time to grind.
Need a ride?
-Really?
-Come on.
We'll be like
Thelma and Louise.
Don't they drive off a cliff?
I can get you there
in 15 minutes.
Great. OK.
OK.
So, where are we going?
-ABBY: Vanderton Capital.
-Here we go.
Sight Sealing
forces you to stop,
literally take in
the air around you
and preserve the moments that
you want to hold on to forever.
So, it's just...
-air in a bottle?
-Uh...
Yes. Yes,
but the air is a novelty.
But ultimately, it's ten bucks
for a bottle of air, right?
(EXHALES NERVOUSLY)
I just want you to know
that if I'd had any idea
he was in a relationship,
-there is no...
-Look, Kenzie Scott...
-Just Kenzie's fine.
-OK, Kenzie...
Mm, actually,
can you do Kenzie Scott?
I do like it better.
Are you sure
we're going the right way?
I feel like
we passed that gas station.
KENZIE: Yeah,
but the last time we passed it,
it was on the other side.
It seems like it would be
more successful in New York.
-Why not launch it there?
-Uh, yes.
Uh, I thought about that.
Um, it's... There's... a lot of,
like, bureaucratic red tape
in New York with the landmarks.
You know, it's the, um...
I agree. Yeah, it would...
It would...
It would do well in New York.
I did think of that. Um...
Honestly, I'm past all of it.
My mind's on other things now.
That's what this is about.
All right. Then go get him.
Wait. Why are we stopped?
Oh, yeah, we've been here
for five minutes.
Jesus!
I agree.
I think it would be smarter
to launch
in New York and California.
Sorry to interrupt
but I have something
that will make Sight Sealing
an even more
compelling investment.
Mr. Barbiero, what is this?
I'm sorry. I couldn't leave
without giving you this.
Hey. Hey. Abby.
You forgot this.
You're Kenzie Scott. Oh, man.
-I'm a huge fan.
-Oh.
You were great
in that cave movie.
Thank you.
-Abby, what are you doing here?
-I spent the last few weeks
chasing some stupid list
instead of seeing
what was right in front of me.
Excuse me. What is this?
This is written permission from
Mayor Capozzi for Sight Sealing
to use any New York City
landmark.
-What?
-And that's just the beginning.
Let me tell you something
about this man.
He is not just a visionary.
He is the most passionate, yet
grounded person I have ever met.
And I have seen him
take a company
that was utterly lost and broken
and give it purpose again.
And sure, maybe that company
was a little misguided
in trying to sleep
with famous companies
to get back at the evil company
it used to be linked to, but...
Are they still talking
about the bottles?
-Who knows?
-You have a choice.
Do you wanna invest in a startup
that will take the souvenir
industry by storm?
This could be the very moment
that defines the future of...
What's this firm again?
-Abby, they already said yes.
-Wait, what?
We're launching with the
Hollywood Air bottle next month.
(SQUEALS)
What do you think about
also launching the Empire State
Building bottle?
We'd have to talk about
increasing the seed money.
Get the fuck outta here.
Sorry. Yes.
Yes. Amazing.
What the hell are these things?
JAKE: Um...
JAKE: I can't believe you got
the mayor to do all this.
ABBY: Kind of a big deal.
JAKE: Hey, did you...
Did you... Did you really mean
everything you said in there?
Of course.
You know I was the company,
right?
You were? Of course I knew.
Did somebody say,
"Race to the airport?"
No, no one said that.
I'm gonna call a car.
Smart. I probably
shouldn't drive
since I don't have a
license.
-Abby.
-Yeah?
The car pickup is on
the other side of the building.
OK, OK, OK.
-So many stairs!
-I know.
Short Stack.
You gotta be kidding me.
OK. All right.
Don't worry. I got it.
-Wasn't worried.
-Yeah.
(GRUNTS)
You need a child seat
back there?
(FORCED CHUCKLE)
JAKE: Hey. I hope
you made your flight.
Sounds like I'll be coming
to New York soon.
Can't wait to see
some of your favorite spots.
Oh, and good luck
at the big meeting.
If it doesn't go well,
I can always barge in
and save the day,
because, you know,
I guess I owe you one.
WOMAN: Please turn off
all electronic devices.
Once airborne,
the captain will let you know
when you can use
approved electronic devices.
Please review
the in-flight magazine
for a list of approved devices.
They never hold the plane
for me.
ABBY: Sorry?
They delayed
us to let someone on.
I mean, it must be
someone important.
(CHUCKLES) Excuse me.
Hi. Is that Oscar Isaac
in first class?
We're really not supposed
to say.
Oscar Isaac?
Oh, my God, he's on my list.
-What list?
-You know.
My list of celebrities
I can sleep with.
I didn't know you had a list.
Of course I have a list.
Monogamy 101.
("WAITING" BY ALOUD
PLAYS OVER HEADPHONES)
(SONG CONTINUES)
(DANCE MUSIC)
MAN: You get engaged
and you can kiss them.
First you have to get engaged
in order to kiss someone.
-Those are the rules.
-We know.
If you kiss someone
instead of getting engaged
first, what's easier?
-Is it good?
-WOMAN: It feels good.
It feels like you're in love.
WOMAN 2: Oh, my goodness.
-They are hot.
-They're freaking engaged.
What happened?
WOMAN 2: You guys are so cute.
It's, like, gross,
I want to throw up.
(LAUGHS)
-That's after the drinks.
-MAN: Speaking of...
To Abby and Matt
on their engagement.
-Oh!
-Oh.
May you be each other's
silent guardians
and watchful protectors.
You may not be the couple
that New York deserves,
but you're the one it needs.
-Cheers.
-Cheers!
Did you just quote
The Dark Knight?
Uh, did I? I was just riffing.
Hmm. OK.
Now we know who's not giving
a toast at the wedding.
Or speaking
at the rehearsal dinner.
Or doing talking of any kind.
-Uh, rude.
-(LAUGHTER)
Matt, I'm still
your best man, right?
Dude, you know
I have three brothers.
They love you
because they have to.
I love you
because I choose to.
-I'm gonna get shots!
-Yeah.
Thank you. What a good guy.
Not the best man.
(LAUGHS)
-Sorry. I'm sorry.
-ABBY: You guys are amazing.
I can't believe you flew all
the way out from LA for this.
We did and we just...
and we came here for this.
That's it, nothing else,
because that's what
best friends do and stuff.
You got Hamilton tickets,
didn't you?
Second row. Supposedly
Aaron Burr spits on you.
(LAUGHS)
So... does it feel
any different?
It will when Matt's lease is up
and he moves in next month.
-Finally.
-Finally.
OK.
Oh, shot, shots.
-Thank you, sir.
-Thank you, thank you.
Oh, cheers.
-Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
-Hmm.
Guess who's at the bar.
Oh, shit. That's Kenzie Scott.
(ANGELIC MUSIC)
Is it just me,
or is she moving in slow motion?
She's definitely moving
in slow motion.
(ANGELIC MUSIC)
She's in town
shooting a Tarantino movie.
Wait, I thought she was doing
the new Christopher Nolan film.
She's doing both
at the same time.
Dude, take your shot.
Yeah, right.
What would I even say to her?
-I meant your tequila shot.
-Oh.
Uh, but... you could
go talk to her.
-She's definitely on my list.
-Hm-hmm.
What list?
You know,
my celebrity free-pass list.
Since when do you
have a free-pass list?
Oh, my God. You two
haven't spoken about this?
Well, I don't, like,
actually have a list.
But if I did,
Kenzie Scott would be on it.
You don't need a list
to want to be with Kenzie Scott.
True, dat.
Like if Oscar Isaac
walked into this bar right now,
we wouldn't be having
the same conversation?
Well, Oscar Isaac is different.
-He's Oscar Isaac.
-Uh-huh.
Kenzie Scott is just
such an obvious choice.
I didn't realize there were
bonus points for being original.
I don't know,
I guess I just expected
someone with
a little more personality.
I think maybe our lists
mean different things.
(LAUGHTER)
OK. So, who else
is on this list?
I... don't really know.
Who else is on yours?
I don't really know, either.
All right, that's it.
You guys are making lists.
OK, so the celebrities
should be enough of a reach
to feel like a fantasy...
With a hint of achievability.
-Nick Viall.
-That guy from The Bachelor?
-Yeah.
-Which season?
-Like, all of them.
-No, no, no.
There are no vetoes.
For Jack Black there are vetoes.
-No.
-Of course he wants Jack Black.
-Mark it down.
-Wrong.
Wrong?
-Wrong wrong.
-Kung Fu Panda.
-Emily... I'm sorry Emily who?
-Raja... Rajatowski.
-That was so close.
-No, it wasn't.
-Ratajkowski.
-Ratajkowski.
You can barely
pronounce her name.
So, what's that matter with her?
-Literally nothing.
-Hm-hmm.
-That's what's up.
-Yes.
-Chloe.
-Hmm?
You have been silent.
-Who is on your list?
-Tessa Thompson,
Margot Robbie, Selena Gomez,
Halle Berry, Sarah Paulson.
-Mmm.
-That's a really good list.
Ryan Reynolds, Adam Levine,
Steph Curry,
Chris Hemsworth,
Harry Styles.
Wait, I thought
you only get five.
Five from each side.
-Standard bi perk.
-Oh.
Ladies and gentleman, that is
how you do a list of strangers
you want to sleep with.
Chloe, ladies and gentleman.
(CHEERING)
You're so far away.
-...to be a part of?
-Oh, she's in it.
All right, so it is "Char-lize."
It is not. It's "Shar-lize."
All right, "Shar-lize Ther-on."
"Shar-lize Ther-own."
It's a very famous woman.
No, I don't think that's right.
-I think it's "Sharlize."
-I don't know what to tell you.
Like "throne." "Therone."
-Yes, "Therone."
-Is she the queen?
I don't know what that means.
-Hey, you gonna be OK?
-Yes.
Yep, we'll take her home.
Girls' night must carry on.
It's gonna be so much fun
carrying you both up the flights
of stairs when we get there.
Three flights of stairs.
-ABBY: I do, I really do.
-MATT: I believe you.
All right, guys. I'm gonna
walk back. Congratulations.
MATT: Good night, bro, thanks.
-Bye.
-Thanks very much.
-Ouch.
-MATT: Oh.
-Bye, babe.
-Bye. Love ya.
-Bye, ladies.
-CHLOE: Bye.
All right. You in? OK, bye.
Oh, shit, sorry.
Uh, no, it's OK, you take it.
Where you headed?
("LOVE LIKE THAT" BY SHEELA)
(EXHALES)
Ooh!
OK, just a teensy bit higher.
Just a...
No, no, no, just a little lower.
Yes. Yes.
-It's back in the same spot.
-It's perfect.
I'm gonna go check
on those cake balls.
Oh. No. Chelsea.
No, that's for later.
-It is later.
-Look, I know Abby's late,
but we're all just gonna
wait for her before we dig in.
Mmm, sorry, no.
Five-second rule.
That's not what that means.
Really good.
(SIGHS) OK.
MALE VOICE:
And if we keep up our energy,
our focus, our drive,
then together, we will build
something truly special,
here in our beloved New York.
Thank you.
-Thank you, everybody.
-(APPLAUSE)
Mayor Capozzi.
I had some thoughts
on your global warming speech.
That's not for three months,
Abby.
Trying to get a head start.
-Isn't your bridal shower today?
-Yes.
But that doesn't start for...
ten minutes ago. Shit.
Not to worry,
I've got you covered.
Thank you, sir.
C Train should get you there
in no time.
(LAUGHS)
Good luck, Abby.
-She's working, isn't she?
-Working? Uh, but... No, no.
Uh, she is... she's actually
getting a blow-out.
Chloe, we both know my daughter
doesn't take time
to blow anything.
-Uh, what?
-Hi.
I don't mean to cause alarm,
but the gelato is melting.
You mean the ice cream?
Yes. It's like ice cream,
but it's, um, from Italy, so...
Can't we just put it back
in the freezer?
Yes, perfect. Or we could
use the back-up gelato.
Hmm!
There's back-up gelato? I...
-(PHONE RINGS)
-Oh, my God.
Abby, where the hell are you?
We're on the back-up gelato,
Chelsea keeps eating
all the cake...
-Who's Chelsea?
-I thought you invited her.
Oh, OK. Let's go.
(SOFT JAZZ MUSIC)
Hi, everyone.
Thank you so much for coming,
and for celebrating
with the bride-to-be, Abby.
We have a little surprise.
Before Matt gets here,
he wanted to share some of
his favorite moments with Abby.
And because he wants everyone
to see, he, uh,
just posted
a little trip down memory lane.
Hi, everyone. Hi, babe.
Uh, before Abby and I
walk down the aisle,
I thought it would be fun
to retrace the steps
that led us here to this
moment.
And it all started here,
in Washington Square Park...
(LAUGHS)
...where Abby and I
had our first kiss
while she was still
in law school.
And this is our bar.
Our Thursday night spot
where everybody knows our name.
Hey, dipshit, you gonna order?
He's talking to somebody else.
(LAUGHTER)
This is where I asked Abby
to make me the happiest man
in the world.
Figured if she said no,
I could just... jump off.
Oh, he, uh, he's going live.
This is unexpected.
MAN: You are seriously
the luckiest guy I know.
Yeah, she is pretty perfect.
She's not pretty perfect,
she is perfect.
She is perfect. She is a ten.
You're like a three, at best.
Maybe a four
with a good filter.
MATT: All right. Thank you.
MAN: She's a "swipe right,"
you're a "swipe left,"
and then again
to make sure it takes,
and then throw your phone
in the river
and burn it to make sure
it doesn't work.
OK. I'm sensing
a little jealousy here.
I don't know too many people
that get to be with someone
so, I don't know, famous.
MATT: Still seems crazy
to me too.
MAN: You definitely checked
the best name off your list.
I mean, she's like a movie star
and not just any movie star
but the movie star.
-I'm the one who saw her first.
-This is not working! Shit!
Come on. Seriously, man.
I cannot believe that you...
-Fucked Kenzie Scott!
-(WOMEN GASP)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Uh... (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
I can't believe you.
We're supposed to get married
in three weeks.
-Can we not do this here?
-Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me know
a more appropriate venue
to discuss
you fucking Kenzie Scott.
You were not supposed
to find out this way.
Was Kenzie Scott
going to jump out
of my wedding cake
and tell me?
Matt, there you are. Hi.
I know you were excited
about the cake balls.
Did they bring them out on time?
Why don't you ask Kenzie Scott?
Sounds like she's been handling
the balls lately.
Matt, were your balls
handled OK?
OK.
Abby, listen to me,
it was just a one-time thing.
Was this that night at the bar?
The fucking night
we got engaged.
I thought it was OK
because she was on my list.
Matt, we made those lists
when we were drunk
celebrating with friends,
and five minutes later
you're crossing off names?
If it was reversed, you wouldn't
have done the same thing?
No! No! Because I would never
do something like that to you.
-Well, maybe you should.
-What?
Maybe you should sleep
with a celebrity too.
-And then we both did it.
-Both did it? (SCOFFS)
This isn't like
getting matching tattoos.
Wait, where are you going?
-I can't do this right now.
-Will you please come inside?
Is that a question
or a request from Kenzie Scott?
(MUSIC BLARING)
-(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
-(GASPS)
Abby. You got a sec?
(TURNS MUSIC OFF)
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
-Come in, sit.
-Hello, sir.
So, you've been working
on this speech for three days.
Yes, sir.
I put some real sweat into that.
Yes, I noticed the ink smudges.
-And is this blood on page four?
-Oh, no, that's ketchup.
Wait, page four?
-Yeah, that's blood.
-Yeah.
Abby, I don't know
the best way to say this,
so I'm just going to say it.
This is the worst thing I've
ever read in my entire life.
-Oh, boy.
-The rhetoric is contentious.
You typed half of it in caps.
And you used the phrase,
"End of the world as we know it"
four times. No, five.
I was, uh, really trying
to hammer home
the gravity of the speech.
I'm delivering this
at a pre-school.
I'll get started
on a new draft.
Yeah, about that.
I haven't told many people
this yet, but...
I'm about to announce
my bid for president.
-Sir, that's... that's amazing.
-Yes, it is. For me.
Abby.
You've written every word
I've spoken in public
for the past two years.
And I think I know you
well enough
to know
when something's not right.
And with campaign season
right around the corner,
everything has to be.
So, my campaign manager
is bringing in Avery Gordon.
-Avery Gordon. That's amazing.
-Yes.
Again, for me.
Sir, are you firing me?
Well, technically,
Cindy from HR will do that,
but, yeah, I'm letting you go.
Take care of your personal life,
Abby.
The writing will come back.
Oh... So, so that's it then?
Well, there's quite a bit
of paperwork
you'll need
to fill out, but yeah.
Right.
CAPOZZI: Oh, and, Abby,
one more thing before you go.
Shred this for me, will you?
Run it twice through.
We can't risk it getting Argoed.
That would be bad.
Yes. For you.
(ABBY GROANS)
My life is over. I've wanted
this job for 20 years.
You wanted to be a speech writer
since you were seven?
Now it's gone.
All because my fianc slept
with Kenzie fucking Scott.
Hey, you're gonna
get through this, OK?
We just gotta figure out
what the next step is.
I was thinking that too,
so I started coming up
with a new list.
-OK, good.
-Grease fire. Pool of acid.
-Wood chipper...
-"Ways Matt should die?"
How is this productive?
There's some good ideas
on there.
"Trial by combat
with The Mountain?"
This is not productive.
Remember when Sam
broke up with me?
I was hung up on her for weeks.
But I got over it.
You still masturbate
to her porn doppelgnger.
And it's been really helpful
with the grieving process.
Leave the bottle. People
don't do that in real life.
You know what?
Maybe you just need to get away
for a little while.
How about you come stay with me
in LA?
I can't go to LA. I'm getting
married in three weeks.
Are we still doing that?
(SIGHS) I don't know. We just
have so much history together.
I guess I'm just not ready
to call off the wedding.
Then don't,
and come stay with me.
I mean, what better way to clear
your mind and figure things out?
Besides, when was the last time
you even took a vacation?
Chloe, I had a job.
I couldn't just tell my boss
"Hey, I'm taking time off
to unwind and relax.
Hope my job's there
when I get back."
That is literally
what a vacation is.
Oh.
(SIGHS) Abby, I think this
could be really good for you.
You're doing this.
-OK, fine.
-Yes!
Wow. I didn't think
that was gonna work.
-Great.
-Whoo!
("EVERYDAY SATURDAY"
BY SANDFLOWER)
Abby, it's Matt again.
I'm so sorry.
Please, I just need
to hear your voice.
Al fresco. You can't really do
that year-round in New York.
Perfect weather...
A plant wall. I'm already
getting positive vibes here.
Hey. Everything OK?
Soup's cold.
It's gazpacho.
Well, then it's too hot.
Come on, Abby.
I promise this trip
will help you clear your mind
if you just let it.
In fact, this is
gonna be our spot.
You and I are coming here
every day.
You know what? This place sucks.
-Maybe we should just...
-No, it's totally fine.
It's not like the billboard
fucked my fianc.
You really... She doesn't
eat carbs. Sorry, guys, sorry.
-Can we get some more bread?
-OK, let's go.
We'll pay for that.
(SIGHS) Indoor dining.
This is where it's at.
More intimate, no large signage,
the acoustics are predictable.
-Are you sure you're OK?
-(SNIFFS)
Wait, did you take another
one of those pills
I gave you on the plane?
Yeah, I'm OK. I'm way OK.
-Uh...
-It's fine.
Oh, OK, um, we are gonna go.
We're gonna go home.
-Shh.
-Oh.
OK, we are going now. Let's go.
Psst. It's Nick Viall.
Great. The guy from
The Bachelor. Can we please go?
Maybe Matt's right.
Maybe I should sleep
with a celebrity on my list.
CHLOE: Why are you talking
to a complete stranger?
What would you even say to him?
I'm a speech writer.
Sorry, was that
the entire answer?
I happen to be a ninja
with words.
Abby, you write speeches
about curbing carbon emissions.
The only guy that gets turned on
by that is Al Gore,
not the guy from The Bachelor.
Hey, are you guys
ready to order?
do you see that fine gentleman
just over yonder?
-She's British?
-You mean Nick Viall?
-Do you think I have a shot?
-A shot at what?
You know...
-(CLICKS TONGUE)
-Oh. Oh, uh... Oh.
-Sexual intercourse.
-Yeah.
Uh, yeah. Yeah. Celebrities
are just like normal people.
Cool.
We're just gonna need a minute
to go over...
-Oh.
-...her life choices.
-Yeah, take your time.
-Thanks.
-Chloe, this is happening.
-Oh, God.
I have three weeks
before my wedding,
I'm gonna sleep
with a celebrity from my list.
That is a super-weird thing
to say.
-Here I go.
-Oh.
-Ooh.
-OK.
Please don't grab a flower.
Please don't grab a flower.
-Excuse me.
-And she grabbed the flower.
(SIGHS)
-Nick.
-Oh, boy.
Will you accept this rose?
That's a daisy.
-You're so funny.
-Well, I know my flowers.
Well, I just wanted
to come over here
and let you know that...
you are on my list.
-Your what now?
-You know, my free-pass list.
Like we could...
Oh, your list.
Wow, this is really happening.
Um, I don't mean to be rude.
But thanks but no, thanks.
I'm kinda off the market.
See, that's the great thing
about the list.
-Hm-hmm.
-Nobody gets in trouble.
I really don't want to know
what that means.
It means I'm here
for the right reasons.
OK.
-And the wrong ones.
-OK, um...
I think this might actually
be working.
I told you. They're just
like everybody else.
Wouldn't you have to be
on my list too?
Are you saying I'm on your list?
-I'm saying you're on a list.
-(LAUGHS)
Except for her.
That is Nick's girlfriend and
she is not like everybody else.
-Hon.
-What's going on here?
-Hey. This is, uh...
-Looks like fun.
-Abby!
-Her? What do you mean?
That's Leyna Stone. She once
stabbed a waiter with a fork
because she didn't like the way
he poured her water.
-Come on, that can't be true.
-Oh, yeah? It can't be true?
-Look at this.
-Oh, shit!
Abby was just trying
to sell me candy.
Uh, no, I was trying
to screw you.
Yeah, you were.
-Ten dollars for M&Ms.
-OK.
I'll melt in your hand
-and your mouth.
-OK.
-Hmm.
-And I'm done covering for you.
All right, are you seriously
trying to sleep with my man?
(LAUGHS)
Ah, well, they don't call me
"Downtown Abby" for nothing.
-I thought it was "Downton".
-Let's go to the fantasy suite.
All right. Can somebody
get me a fork please?
-I'm going in.
-Yeah.
Leyna. Nick. Hi.
Real big fan of your journey.
Sorry to interrupt, but I'm just
gonna steal her away for a sec.
-Thank you so much.
-Just a second.
What are you doing?
-You're embarrassing yourself.
-I'm embarrassing myself?
You know what? That's it.
I've seen enough.
I think I should
give you guys some... Oh!
-I am so sorry.
-LEYNA: Oh, my God.
I wouldn't worry. It's just
water, it'll come right out.
-It's not even on me.
-It's on me.
It's on me, babe. Come on.
Eye contact.
We talked about this in therapy.
-I love you.
-OK.
You look great.
Real ninja
with those words there.
Hey. I think you guys left this.
-Um, that's not ours.
-It's not?
Shit. I think I just stole
Leyna Stone's purse.
I'm sure
Leyna has plenty of purses.
Oh, yeah. Is she gonna be OK?
Yeah, she's fine.
We owe you one.
Well, for what it's worth,
I did think you had a shot.
Thanks.
-I should go back in there.
-No!
God, no.
-It's OK. That way.
-Thank you so much.
CHLOE: OK.
Hi! Let's just go over
the changes you emailed me, OK?
Um, so you want to incorporate
some darker hues.
Shouldn't be a problem.
You want straight vodka
for the champagne toast.
I like your style, girl.
And then you want
to walk down the aisle
to Taylor Swift's "We Are Never
Getting Back Together".
-Ever.
-Excuse me?
"We Are Never Ever
Getting Back Together."
Oh, of course. Yeah, of course.
"Never Ever." Got it.
Hi. She's gonna call you
right back.
You're doing a great job.
Thank you so much. Bye-bye.
-Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
-I love the gardenias. OK, bye.
Hey, no more drunk emailing
the wedding planner.
-I can't help it, Chloe.
-TV: ...for you this morning.
Kenzie Scott is in the studio.
So, everyone's talking
about that cave scene.
Hm-hmm, yep.
-It's not for the squeamish.
-Shit.
-No.
-KENZIE: Which includes me.
You know, I get light-headed
from a paper cut.
Oh, let's just
move these away then.
(LAUGHS)
-So, I hear you're single now.
-Hm-hmm.
And we all want to know,
what's Kenzie Scott's type?
Oh, well, I wouldn't say
I have a type.
I do usually go for,
you know, tall, athletic...
Gotta have a sense of humor.
Am I right? Oh, and, um...
(GROANS)
I love it when a guy
is in a relationship.
Especially if he's engaged.
There is just nothing hotter
than sleeping with a guy
whose fianc
is totally clueless.
Oh, and the best part
is when she finds out
at her own bridal shower.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Right, Abby?
-Huh.
-CHLOE: Abby...
Abby. Abby!
Are we good on the self-torture?
Am I right?
Do you really think
I had a chance with Nick Viall?
Uh, sure.
In some alternate universe where
you don't OD on sleeping pills
and Leyna Stone
doesn't try to kill you. Why?
Well, everything's always been
about either my job or Matt.
Maybe it's time I finally
do something for myself.
What are you saying?
I have four names
left on this list.
If I'm going to sleep
with a celebrity,
we better get started.
This just got sexy.
-Ooh!
-CHLOE: Oh, yeah.
OK, first things first.
As hard as it is
to become a celebrity,
it's even harder
to sleep with one.
Right.
The point is,
we need a damn good plan.
I'm talking Navy Seals storming
the Bin Laden compound.
(MIMICS GUNSHOTS)
This has to be surgical.
Yes. If only we knew
someone in LA
who gets paid
to work with A-list celebrities.
We are not calling Sam.
Your ex-girlfriend
is a talent agent.
We're trying to sleep
with talent.
We don't need help.
Did Luke Skywalker need help
to blow up the Death Star?
Yes. From Han Solo
and, like, 30 X-wing fighters.
Not to mention the old guy
who basically told him
when to shoot.
OK, just... Just trust me, OK?
Remind me.
Who else is on your list?
Mac West.
WOMAN: Action star Mac West
is blowing up the box office
yet again
with his new flick
"I'm Dead When I Say I'm Dead".
Just know,
I'm out here getting it done.
(THUNDER)
Was that thunder?
Y'all heard that?
Cooper Grant.
Sexiest Man on Earth
Cooper Grant
was spotted
on the red carpet last night
sans his sidekick Ari Miller,
sparking rumors of a rift
between these two best buddies.
Avon.
Emo rapper Avon
is on the top of the charts
and taking out the trash
with his sleeper hit
"Stare You Down To Doggtown".
And of course, Oscar Isaac.
Abby, we need someone
more attainable.
Uh, well,
there's always Jack Black.
Still vetoed.
(SIGHS)
We're gonna need more coffee.
This is gonna be a long night.
("NO REGULAS" BY SANDFLOWER)
Hm-hmm.
I find it kinda weird you had
all this yarn in your apartment.
What... What are you doing?
It's six a.m.
Check it out.
That is Oscar Isaac
on his #weeklyspinclass.
So, if you want to get "Inside
Llewyn Davis", we gotta move.
OK.
I don't see him.
What exactly is the plan?
It's fine. We have
six other studios to try.
If he doesn't show up,
we'll just sneak out
before the class starts.
Go ahead
and claim a bike, girls.
-Actually, we were just leaving.
-Sure you were.
Come on, ladies, hop on.
Girls, I have never had
a quitter in my class
and I'm not about
to start today.
All right, everybody...
it's time to grind.
Sorry.
How do you get your feet in?
Let's push it.
Only 40 minutes left.
Forty minutes?
Are we time traveling?
INSTRUCTOR:
That's 40 opportunities
to do better than
the loser you are right now.
We're not moving. We're just
here. We're never leaving.
Mommy!
INSTRUCTOR: You're the hill.
You're the hill.
And climb. And climb.
-Time.
-Oh.
Oh, God. OK.
-Come on.
-What? Why are you stopping?
Next class starts
in five minutes.
Oh, legs weren't ready.
MALE INSTRUCTOR:
Press in. Press in!
You're not pressing in.
Wake up!
You're a bad, bad man.
MALE INSTRUCTOR: If you chose
easy, you chose the wrong door.
(SCREAMS)
Glad to see you girls
are back for round two.
Uh-uh. What did I say
about quitters?
Hey. My favorite customers.
Hey.
I didn't really peg you guys
as the spinning types.
Are you kidding?
This is our fifth class today.
We love health.
Nice. I try and take this class
every week.
-But it's hard to get a bike.
-Why's that?
Oscar Isaac
joins this class sometimes.
But he's not here this week
so... lucky you.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Lucky us.
All right, everyone. Mount up.
Lucky number five. (LAUGHS)
-Oh, OK.
-OK.
(MOANS)
-Yay.
-(LAUGHS)
Your feet
aren't even in the pedals.
You're literally
not moving your legs.
And time.
Great job, Jake.
I think you guy's bike
was broken.
It says you only moved 40 feet.
Oh, shoot.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, do you still owe me one?
Oh, I can't, I'm sorry.
I have to go ice my vagina.
-But maybe she can.
-Well...
My friend
was supposed to help me
with some photography work
but he just canceled.
What exactly
do you need me to do?
You're up, New York.
Let's see what you got.
All right, folks, can I have
everyone take a few steps back?
We need to clear this one area.
Thank you.
(MESSAGE TONE)
Excuse me, ma'am?
Is this the part of the tour
where we can ask questions?
Uh, what?
Who was the first star
on the Walk of Fame?
Great question. That would be
Marilyn Monroe in 1957.
Part of Hollywood's celebration
of strong female leads
in American cinema.
Says here
it was director Stanley Kramer.
-Where'd you get that thing?
-All right, I think I got it.
All right, folks.
Uh, thank you for your patience.
Feel free to walk around,
take in the sights.
And you might want
to return that guidebook.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
So you let some air in,
cork the bottle,
and then give it as a souvenir?
Yeah, that's what
the pictures are for.
-So, you're selling air?
-No, I'm selling a novelty.
-Made of air.
-OK, listen.
People are always rushing
from place to place.
Sight Sealing
forces you to stop,
literally take
in the air around you,
and you can preserve the moments
that you want
to hold on to forever.
You've rehearsed that before,
haven't you?
Like, a thousand times.
How'd it sound?
Impressive.
Good. I've been using it
at all of my pitch meetings.
Wow. Any luck?
They want to launch in New York,
but it turns out
there's all this red tape
for using images of landmarks.
Yeah, they can be pretty strict
about that.
OK, so I gotta ask, the thing
at the caf the other day...
My fianc
slept with Kenzie Scott.
Kenzie...
The actress Kenzie Scott?
She was on his free-pass list.
And apparently he took it
more seriously than I expected.
And so now you want to get
with someone on your list?
When you say it like that...
I just think
when your heart's broken,
you'll try anything
to make it whole.
Oh, no, yeah, no, I get it.
My first love broke my heart.
-Oh.
-I'll never forget it.
-I was in third grade.
-(LAUGHS)
I'm serious. Cheryl Conley.
We were supposed to meet me
by the slide during recess.
I searched the entire playground
for her.
And I found her holding Jared
Kay's hands on the swing set.
I haven't been
on a swing set since.
That is tragic.
So, uh, who else
is on your list?
I'm not going through
my list with you.
Why not? We could go back
to Hollywood Boulevard.
-(PHONE RINGS)
-You could practice
on a celebrity impersonator.
I could be your wingman.
-Hey, Chloe.
-Hey. OK.
So, I did some research
and it turns out Cooper Grant
is huge into CrossFit...
Chloe, Chloe, I appreciate what
you're trying to do, I just...
-I don't think it's working.
-Yeah, you're right.
Back to the drawing board.
I'll pick up some more yarn.
Actually, I made
an executive decision
and called in
some reinforcements.
No, you didn't.
(ABBY HANGS UP)
No, no, no, no, no.
-Hi, guys.
-Hi.
I'm just gonna send this email
really quick.
(CHUCKLES)
Don't rush me, don't rush me.
Hold on.
All right, just one second,
one second.
Just gotta send this
email.
OK. What exactly
do you guys need my help with?
Oh. First of all,
we don't need your help.
We are perfectly capable,
strong, independent women
and I'm doing just fine
on my own.
Are we still talking
about my thing?
Yeah, let's do you first.
Right. OK, so you know
how we made
those celebrity
free-pass lists?
-Well, Matt slept with his.
-Like, under his pillow?
No, no, he didn't sleep
with his list.
-He slept with Kenzie Scott.
-You're kidding.
So now I need to sleep
with a celebrity on my list.
That's so shallow.
I love this for you.
And I need your help.
Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no.
Sam, you're a talent agent.
So you know how one
might get in the same room
as, say, Cooper Grant.
Cooper Grant?
Yes. Half the population
is trying to sleep with him.
The other half
is trying to fuck him.
There are more achievable names
on the list.
-Who?
-Don't say Jack Black.
Mac West.
I love you guys, but good luck.
Bye.
Make sure Rachel validates you.
I told you she couldn't do it.
Excuse me?
Oh, uh, nothing.
I was just telling Abby
that there's no way you can
get to someone on that list
because you're not
powerful enough to do it.
Hold on.
I can get to these people.
I can get inside these people
if I wanted to.
-That's not the problem.
-So, what's the problem?
The problem, Chloe, is
I don't want to be an accessory
to celebrity stalking.
OK. We're wasting
our time here.
Wait. Wait, just wait.
Everybody just relax.
Just take a breath.
(SIGHS)
I happen to know Mac West
is in town filming a commercial.
(GRUNTS)
But you can't just walk
onto the set.
OK. Why don't you make her,
like, a writer or something?
Sure, Chloe,
I'll make her a writer.
And tomorrow,
I'll have her producing,
directing and starring
in the next Bond film.
-We'd like that.
-Cool.
Oh, my God. You're so adorable.
The AD there
happens to owe me a favor.
I can probably get you
on set as a PA.
-Great. What's a PA?
-You'll love it.
This is our tenth shoot
together.
You know
what I like to see.
-I won't let you down.
-New girl, where's my coffee?
In your hand.
Patty, what hand
do I drink coffee with?
-The left.
-Efficiency.
If we waste time doing this,
we fail.
Patty's the key PA on set.
Follow her lead.
Hey, I remember
my first day too.
I've pretty much
done it all since then.
I've been grip, key grip,
dolly grip.
-Shit, I've even been grip grip.
-Grip grip?
-I move the other grips around.
-Right.
Stick with me, you'll be OK.
-Thank you. I appreciate that.
-Absolutely, absolutely.
OK, now real talk,
you little punk.
You obviously knew someone
or blew someone
in order to land a PA job
last minute,
but I haven't been doing this
for 20 years
to be shown up by some
wannabe Greta Gerwig hot shot.
Now, you stay out of my way or I
will sink you like the Titanic.
Capisce?
Can we start over?
My name's Abby. And I...
Abby? I don't like that name.
I'm gonna call you Short Stack.
Uh, I'm... I'm average height.
Uh, yeah, yeah. Soaking wet.
I think we got off
on the wrong foot.
Oh, what foot was that?
Four foot?
Get to work, Frodo.
Oh.
I could dunk on her.
(MESSAGE TONE)
I wanna be able
to eat off of it, Short Stack.
Why would you wanna
eat off a wheel?
-What was that?
-What?
WOMAN: Patty, I'm gonna need you
to get Mac to the set in five.
Copy that last transmission.
Just need to deploy the wardrobe
and I will pick up Bald Eagle.
Back to one.
Who are these people?
(SIGHS)
-Hey. Uh...
-Oh.
Do you need a ride?
Oh, I thought Patty
was driving me.
(CHUCKLES) Well, Mr. West,
there's a new Patty in town.
Hm. Your name's also Patty?
Uh, no. Well, I see
how that actually
could've been confusing.
I'm... I'm Abby, the other PA.
Oh. Can I still call you Patty?
-I don't think that's really...
-Thanks, Patty. You're a doll.
OK. Um...
You know, I have to say,
I'm a huge fan.
I mean, when you jump
off of Pennington Tower
just as it explodes
and you're dangling
from the string.
You've got this
huge firehouse...
I do all my own stunts, Patty.
Come on, I'll take you to set.
-OK.
-(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
MAC: Real Patty briefed you
-on driving this thing, right?
-ABBY: Um...
Whoa! Let's keep this
under a cool five.
Uh, there's really
only one speed.
Whoa, whoa! Speed bump,
speed bump, speed bump.
Let's note that
for the ride back.
(COUGHS)
This coffee tastes different.
That'd be my special blend.
A dash of cinnamon
with some hazelnut.
(COUGHS) Did you say hazelnut?
You got that right.
It's my gammy's special recipe,
actually.
Dash of cinnamon
with a little hazelnut.
But it's really more like
a cup of...
-I'm allergic to hazelnut.
-What?
-(COUGHS)
-Uh...
-I think my throat is closing.
-What do we do?
-Do you have an EpiPen?
-No, but I have a Bic one.
-A what?
-A Bic one.
-A what?
-A Bic one.
-Trach me.
-Trach you?
I'm not traching you!
-Come on, Patty! My throat...
-(SCREAMS) Oh, my God. OK.
Oh, my God, this is happening!
One, two...
-What the fuck are you doing?
-...three!
-Real Patty.
-I've got your EpiPen.
-Assuming the position.
-(ABBY SCREAMS)
(MAC COUGHS)
I'm doubling up!
-What is happening?
-(WAILS)
(WHIMPERS)
-ABBY: Oh, Chloe.
-CHLOE: Well...
At least
it didn't mention your name.
Is there a reason
why we're meeting Jake
on some random
street?
ABBY: He said the food
is to die for.
(GASPS)
Whoa. OK...
-Hey, guys.
-(GASPS) God.
So, Celso is gonna whip us up
some of the best empanadas
you've ever had.
-You ready?
-Oh! So sorry, Celso.
CHLOE:
Yeah, we didn't mean to assume.
That's not Celso. We should go.
-Yeah.
-I kind of peed a little.
Oh, yeah.
Mm. Mm.
-Mm!
-Mm!
Holy shit.
Oh, yay!
Mm.
It's almost as good
as the street meat in New York.
Yes.
Did you just compare
LA's best empanada
to something called street meat?
Have you ever tried it?
No. No, I've actually
never been to New York.
-What?
-Wait.
You're starting
a souvenir company
and you've never been
to the world's biggest
tourist destination?
My parents traveled a lot,
just not with us.
I always thought Sight Sealing
would sort of be my way
to see the rest of the world.
I'll tell ya what.
When you make it to New York,
I will be
your official tour guide.
Deal.
Didn't you get us lost
trying to find Central Park?
-That was one time.
-The Central Park?
-The big one?
-Yeah.
Yeah, it's, like, in the center.
-Whose side are you on?
-And it's a park.
-(LAUGHS)
-One time. One time.
That was one time!
OK, I believe you. Jesus.
(SHOUTS) Don't you dare.
I need another one.
Look at you, all smiles.
They were really good empanadas.
Right. Must be the empanadas.
Nothing to do with the cute guy
who's clearly into you.
We're just hanging out.
Abby, I haven't seen that look
since your ninth birthday
when you got
that Barbie Dream House.
God, I loved that house.
Here we go. Who ordered
the tres leches cake?
-Oh, no, that's not ours.
-Shit.
-She's kidding.
-Oh.
I guess Chloe's can
go in the trash.
(IN SPANISH) Don't you dare!
-(PHONE RINGS)
-Oh, uh, it's Sam. Hey.
-Sam?
-My ex-girlfriend.
She's, like, obsessed with me.
I got you into
the A-List Film Awards.
The ALFAs? Are you serious?
Tomorrow, you will be at
the same event as Cooper Grant.
So, am I in
the audience or something?
Uh, yeah. Kind of.
What do you mean, kind of?
(MESSAGE TONE)
Your role as seat fillers
is to do exactly
as the job title says.
Fill seats.
Take a look out at the theater.
Look at the theater. OK?
See all those empty seats?
Those are the enemies.
But that makes you the...
heroes.
OK, well, before we run
some routes, I wanted to...
Excuse me,
are you practicing sitting?
Huh? No. Not me.
-Do you not know how to sit?
-No, that was her.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Let's go ahead and get ready
for tonight, all right?
When I'm walking, you follow me,
all right? Come on!
Thanks, again. Thank you.
Wait. Shouldn't you
be at this thing?
Yes.
I should.
Hmm.
Why am I so nervous?
Do you want me to tell you
everything will be fine
or do you want a list of things
that could go wrong
that are actually
making you nervous
because, I mean, I can think
of, like, 73 things...
-Please stop talking.
-OK.
MAN: We've got an open
next to Keanu. Keanu, OK?
We got, uh, some squirming next
to Cooper Grant over here, OK?
I see a possible bathroom break
happening here.
Um, OK. Let's get into position.
Who's on deck? OK.
Hi. Uh, excuse me. Do you mind
if I take the next one?
Short Stack.
Patty. You're a seat filler too?
You weren't at the rehearsal.
Well, you can't rehearse
perfection.
What are you doing here?
I didn't realize
they hire booster seat fillers.
-Seriously, I'm average height.
-Yeah.
What'd you get nominated for?
Best Short?
Let me show how
you it's done, kid.
Sorry, Patty.
Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.
-Oh, cute dress. Excuse me.
-Ow.
-Hello. Oops. Yeah. OK.
-Wow.
I'm gonna just...
All right. Oh.
That's your shoulder. Ooh, OK.
MAN: And now we bid farewell
to the bright stars
we lost this past year.
Uh, Stephen Mills.
I loved that guy.
-Huh?
-Oh, Stephen Mills.
Right.
Is that your acceptance speech?
Yes. But I doubt
I'll be reading it.
You're right.
Denzel's got this locked up.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I never really know
what to say in these things.
Well, um, if you need help,
I'm... I'm kind of
a speechwriter.
-Oh, yeah?
-Hm-hmm.
When you're not dominating
musical chairs tournaments?
A seat filler joke. That's good.
No, but really, I write speeches
for the Mayor of New York.
-Really?
-Hmm.
Wow. I love that guy's speeches.
-Really?
-WOMAN: Shh.
Well, Speechwriter...
maybe you can tell me
if this is any good.
Keep in mind that,
in some alternate universe,
I may actually have to give
that speech...
I'd cut the last two lines.
-What?
-And move them to the front.
Uh, the first thing you say sets
the tone for the entire speech.
It's your hook.
Oh, and this. This is good.
Uh, do you have a pen?
MAN: And the nominees for Best
Actor in a Leading Role are...
-Cooper Grant, "The Hedges".
-CHLOE: Oh, my God. That's her!
-How did she get next to him?
-That's it. It's done.
OK, let's not
get ahead of ourselves.
I'm a glass-half-full kinda gal.
Oh, really?
You think
sitting next to someone
is halfway
to sleeping with them?
-What?
-Quarter full?
What?
-Denzel Washington...
-What? What?
Get over there.
-I'm just kidding.
-And the ALFA goes to...
Cooper Grant, "The Hedges".
(CHEERING)
-OK. She looks like his wife.
-We did it.
-Wow.
-We did do it.
Wow.
(LAUGHS)
When I heard my name just now,
I thought,
"That's a weird way
to pronounce Denzel."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
So, this...
This one's for you.
-I wrote that.
-Thank you very much.
(SIGHS)
-Hey, speechwriter.
-Hi.
-We did it.
-Ah!
Shall we celebrate?
-Yes.
-Come on.
Hi, Abby, it's Matt.
I think I just saw you on TV.
I'll do whatever it takes.
Please don't shut me out.
Well, this is my flat.
Looks pretty three-dimensional
to me.
Right. OK,
I'm gonna hang my jacket up.
-Be back in a second.
-OK.
-Bonjour, darling.
-Oh, my God.
Sorry. Didn't...
Didn't mean to startle you.
Or did I?
Ari Miller?
Oh. You've heard of me?
Heard of you? Your movies
are hilarious. You've...
You've been nominated
for Best Actor three times.
Was I? That's right, I was.
Oh. I see you've met
my very well-dressed housemate.
It's Ari Miller.
I knew you guys did those
Undercover movies together,
but you live together too?
-That's so cool.
-Yes. It's so cool. Very cool.
It is so cool, isn't it?
That we live together.
-COOPER: Well...
-So cool.
-COOPER: Yeah.
-Very cool.
Um, are they just
giving those away these days?
-(LAUGHS)
-ABBY: Oh, hi.
I'm just kidding.
That's... That's awesome.
That's so awesome.
Plus you've almost caught up
to me in nominations.
You know, not... not quite,
but who's counting?
Um, anyhow,
we were just about to head out.
Actually, do you wanna
hang out here for a bit?
I'd love to see
the rest of the house.
I'm actually making
some spaghetti bolognese
if you're interested.
I've had it. Say you're a vegan.
I'll show you around.
OK. Um...
-Vegan.
-What was your name again?
Bye.
(LAUGHS)
-This is so crazy.
-What is?
Well, it's just...
You think that some people exist
on different planes
of the universe,
and then you get in
the same room as them
and... turns out they're just as
down to earth and normal as you.
-Oh, so I'm just... just normal?
-You know what I mean.
Sorry. I just have to ask.
Did you know
that I lived with Ari Miller?
No. I had no idea.
It's just...
Most girls, they come back here
just to get close with Ari.
-You're kidding, right?
-No. I completely get it.
The guy's basically
like a Greek god.
Which... Which god, exactly?
(HUMS)
Oh. Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
I didn't realize
you guys were in here.
Don't mind me.
I'm just gonna, um, use the tub.
-Huh?
-Why?
Do a little splishy-splashy.
Can you not splishy and splash
in your own bathtub?
I... I... I could.
You have your own bathroom.
I'd rather use this tub.
The water pressure...
OK.
He just, like, wanders in.
It's, like, how do I
compete with that?
-I sincerely have no idea.
-Oh, this was such a bad idea.
I shouldn't
have brought you here.
Hey. You are Cooper Grant.
You were on the Sexiest Man on
Earth list eight years in a row.
-Who likes him more than you?
-You mean besides Scorsese?
That was such a small part.
Well, bigger than your no-part,
now isn't it?
-Oh!
-You know what?
-OK.
-ARI: What?
That is it. I've had enough.
I'm sorry your girlfriend's
been ogling me all night.
ABBY: I have not
been ogling anyone.
Were you ogling him?
I don't even know
what ogling means.
What are you gonna do about it,
tough guy?
-Oh, no.
-(GASPS)
-That is it.
-Hey!
(ARI SHOUTS)
Guys?
ABBY: I don't think
this is appropriate.
(ARI SCREAMS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
CHLOE: So, tell me everything.
I just...
I just wanna get some sleep.
Wait, no, wait.
I want some details.
No... You don't.
Wait. Did something weird
happen?
You could say things
got weird...
when Ari Miller showed up.
No way. Ari Miller?
He definitely has BDE.
So, what happened?
Cooper, he...
He pulled an ALFA
out of his ass.
Yeah, I totally agree. That ALFA
was Denzel's to lose.
No, no.
Cooper literally pulled an ALFA
out... of Ari's ass.
I always wondered what they did
with those things
after they won.
I'm going to bed, and we are
never speaking of this again.
Is this a bad time to talk about
the next guy on your list?
Probably a bad time.
(MESSAGE TONE)
(PHONE RINGS)
Mr. Mayor. Oh, sorry.
Do I still call you that?
Well, I'm still the mayor, Abby.
Right. Of course.
You know, we've tried out
three different speechwriters
since you quit.
Actually, you fired me.
Details. I like that.
Having you gone
has made me realize something.
-I've missed ya, kiddo.
-I've missed you too, sir.
Here you go. Want your truck?
I was just saying hi to my son.
Sorry. Did you say something?
Uh, no.
Listen...
It just hasn't felt the same
with you not around.
So, I need you
to do something for me.
-Anything, sir.
-Get that sweet ass over here.
I guess I could catch a red-eye.
What was that? I was just saying
hello to the missus.
Oh, nothing.
Abby, nobody knows my voice
like you do.
I want you back
to write the speech
that launches my campaign.
(GASPS)
Uh...
So, what do you say?
You ready to sit
at the big-boy table?
-Abby?
-Oh, you're talking to me.
Yes. I'm in.
Great.
I'd like to see a draft next
week at the kickoff meeting.
See ya, buddy.
JAKE: Hey.
I was starting to think
you weren't gonna show up.
Sorry. Rough night.
Hmm. Try being a server
at a Real Housewives reunion.
You ready to go?
ABBY: I think you've seen
The Goonies too many times.
-You good?
-I'm a New Yorker.
I walk 30 blocks
to work every day
in three-inch heels. I'm good.
Well, I hear you, but...
hiking in LA
is a bit different terrain,
so you gotta watch every step.
I used to hike
up the Adirondacks
with my dad
every summer till I was 17.
-Really?
-No. (LAUGHS)
OK.
("SHADOW" BY BYLAND)
I honestly have never even
thought about it.
Every guy has a list.
I had a shot with J.Lo once.
She was on stage
and I was in the nosebleeds.
But there was definite
long-distance eye lock.
You think
this whole thing's stupid?
I think everybody has a fantasy
about spending a night
with a celebrity.
But I think finding someone
to spend the rest of your life
with, that's...
that's the fantasy.
Oh. I almost forgot.
I have something to show you.
(LAUGHS)
Sight Sealing's first prototype.
-ABBY: I like it.
-Yes?
-ABBY: Yeah.
-Yes.
Well, I hope Vanderton Capital
likes it as well.
I have a pitch meeting
next week.
After that, I don't really know.
Well, I think it's great.
And that's coming from someone
who's had very few moments
worth saving lately.
I wouldn't give up.
-What?
-We just met and...
you're already making me
believe in things
that I was starting to doubt.
Your company?
Your company, actually.
Just being here with you.
Forgot how nice it was
to have a moment worth sealing.
You think this is one?
I honestly can't think
of anything better.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Wow, you're really done, huh?
It probably wasn't
the healthiest way
to deal with things.
Is this about Matt or Jake?
I don't need
to chase celebrities
to prove something to myself.
Abby Meyers, I am proud of you.
(BOTH SIGH)
All right. So, now what?
Well, I'm supposed to see Jake
tomorrow night.
That's great.
Amazing. Fantastic.
Wonderful. Love that for you.
Are you OK? You just
turned into a thesaurus.
Yeah, it's just, um...
Sam and I have been spending
a lot of time together
and now I'm worried that because
you're done with your list,
I might be done
with the one girl on mine.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Sam's here.
OK.
So, I know my leads
have gone cold
-but they just got hot again.
-What's that now?
Just invites to the hottest
party in town tomorrow night.
A certain rapper
by the name of Avon
is rumored
to be in attendance.
-Yeah, Sam, about that...
-Can't wait.
Perfect.
I will go confirm all of us.
Hm-hmm.
I thought you were done
with the list.
You've been my lifeline
for the last three weeks.
The least I can do is be yours
for one night to win back Sam.
But you have plans
with Jake tomorrow.
I have all weekend
before I leave.
We're confirmed.
Whoo!
Are you sure?
Can't pass up a shot
at someone on your list, right?
(CHUCKLES)
-Whoo!
-Yeah!
(MESSAGE TONE)
(SIGHS)
("TRAMPOLINE"
BY MOTHER FEATHER)
-Are you ready? You look good.
-I am. Thank you.
You're really sexy
when I drink.
Oh!
I think that sounds like
an insult,
but I'm sort of OK with it.
-I'll go get more then.
-Yep. Yep.
You get many, many more
of those.
Go, go, my little angel face.
It's like the old Sam
and Chloe.
I know, right?
Thank you, by the way.
I mean, this means
so much to me.
-Cheers to you guys.
-Cheers.
Thank you.
-SAM: Abs, Chlo.
-Yeah?
Avon's right over there.
You gonna go talk to him?
It's why we're here.
-Yeah.
-Hm-hmm.
-Then go over there.
-Right. OK, yeah.
Now. Got it. Yeah.
(SIGHS) She's making me nervous.
-You did really great.
-Thank you.
OK.
Hi. I'm sorry. Oh.
Hey. I know this sounds
really weird,
but I need you
to go along with it.
Excuse me?
I need you to go along
with what I'm about to do.
Do you have a bomb
strapped to you?
What? No.
Cos you're kinda acting
like someone
who's got a bomb
strapped to them.
No. I don't have a bomb.
It's just... I'm trying to...
Don't look at them.
I'm trying to help my friend
get back together with her ex,
so I need to pretend
to hit on you
because you're on
my free-pass list.
Why do I feel like
I'm gonna regret this?
Just be cool, OK?
Cool.
She's totally doing this.
I wanna hear it.
-No, you don't.
-Yes. We'll be chill.
(LOUD) Yeah.
We do share
the same zodiac sign.
What's with the voice?
You're talking so loudly
all of a sudden.
You're doing
the bomb girl thing?
-You're...
-I think you're da bomb too.
-Right, um...
-Yes.
Has my heart known
love till this night?
That was so good.
AVON: In touching her,
make blessed my rude hand.
Did my heart love till thee?
Forswear it, sight.
-For I ne'er in truer beauty...
-Let's go over there.
-...than now.
-Did you just quote Shakespeare?
-Yeah. No good?
-No. Really good. They're gone.
Oh. OK.
So, I gotta say,
I get hit on a lot,
but never pretend hit on.
Oh. Well, thanks. I owe you one.
So, I didn't get your name.
Abby.
Abby, Abby, Abby.
It's just nice
to know the person
who's got you
on their free-pass list.
-Yeah.
-You know what I'm saying?
Um, you're on my list, but I
don't want to sleep with you.
Wow. You managed to objectify
and reject me
all in one sentence.
(CHUCKLES)
-Shit.
-What?
No, no, no. Don't. Don't look.
My ex is coming over here
right now
and she'd get really pissed
if she saw me here with someone.
So, pretend you're with me now.
-Like we just did?
-Not at all like we just did.
-OK.
-Just follow my lead.
-All right. OK.
-Come here.
Hey, you.
Avon, didn't know you were here.
Usually you demand
they play your music all night.
Oh. I don't demand it.
-The public does.
-Hmm.
Meet my girlfriend, Abby.
Hi.
Kenzie Scott.
-Nice to meet you.
-I didn't know you two dated.
"Dated." It was barely a month.
One I'm still trying to forget.
Don't worry, I pretty much
forgot it right when it started.
I can't believe
he slept with you.
Excuse me?
Thought we were following
my lead.
We were engaged.
Wait, you two are engaged?
I think what she means is that
we are engaged
in the first stages...
We were supposed to get married
next week.
Or not.
What exactly
are we talking about?
We're talking about
you sleeping with my fianc
because you were on
his stupid list.
-Who's your fianc?
The guy you slept with
in New York
when you were out there
doing those two huge movies.
-Matt?
-Yeah.
He was engaged?
I'm sorry.
Look, if I had known, trust me,
I would've spared my Louboutins
the climb to his walk-up.
Don't worry. Just a marriage
ruined for some fantasy night
with a medium-talent actress
who's only relevant
because of her...
very, very pretty face.
OK. You know,
I'm on a lot of people's lists.
So, maybe instead of
pointing the finger at me,
you should figure out
why your man acted on it.
-Hurricane Kenzie.
-Hmm.
Always leaving destruction
in her path.
Cute new girlfriend.
-Yeah, she's great, right?
-Hmm.
You OK?
Did I drive Matt away?
No, no. Don't start with that,
OK? None of this is your fault.
I just feel like every decision
I make is the wrong one.
Look, I get it. I've been there.
You feel totally lost
and then something happens,
and suddenly you're not.
Hey.
Hey, I'm really sorry
about what happened back there.
Not what I was expecting,
but sure.
Is this why you canceled?
-Jake. It's not like that.
-It kinda looks like that.
-Kinda felt like that.
-Avon. Not helping.
So, this is the guy
you're marrying next week.
You're still engaged?
You and Matt like to chase
after celebrities so much,
maybe you two belong together.
Jake. Wait, I... I should go.
-Um, great lips.
-All right.
Jake.
You have a fascinating
love life, Abby.
Jake.
Jake.
Please call me. I really
want to talk and explain.
I leave in a few days, and...
Hey, Abby.
Hi.
Could we go somewhere and talk?
Uh, yeah.
MATT: Sorry for surprising you
like this.
You weren't picking up
any of my calls.
Our wedding planner
called yesterday.
She was checking on the set list
for the band.
-About the wedding, I just...
-Wait.
Just before you say anything.
I just...
I don't want this to be
the thing that ends us.
If there is any small part
of you
that still wants to marry me,
please give me a chance
to make this right.
Why would I do that, Matt?
Because even if you don't think
I deserve a chance,
we deserve one.
Five years.
We were together for five years.
And what? You throw it
for a stupid one-night stand?
Look, if...
If you decide that you don't
want to speak to me again,
I'll respect that.
But then I want the last thing
you hear from me
to be these vows.
Because whether
we get married or not,
this is how I will always feel.
"Abby, when we first met,
it was love at first sight.
Then over the next few years,
I learned that the only thing
better than love at first sight
was love at every sight.
-You are a perfectionist."
-(LAUGHS)
"And somehow, I still managed
to get you to say yes
to marrying me.
So, I know now
that I don't have to be perfect
for us to be.
But I will spend the rest of
our days trying to be for you."
Do you really mean all that?
Every word.
I just... I just don't know if I
can go through with the wedding.
We will push it off.
Abby, we have
the rest of our lives together.
That's the part
that I wanna get right.
OK?
OK.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
OK.
We will figure it all out
when you're back in New York.
-Sorry. I'm just not ready.
-It's OK.
Hold me.
Goodnight.
Came all the way out here,
you still can't escape
a walk-up, huh?
So, everything with Kenzie Scott
happened the night
we got engaged?
You really wanna talk about that
right now?
Well, I just realized you were
living in your own place then.
The high-rise.
Yeah. So?
I just ran into Kenzie
at the party,
and she mentioned
you having a walk-up.
I...
It wasn't just that night,
was it?
It was also at our place
after you moved in.
How many times
did you sleep with her, Matt?
Abby, I'm sorry.
-I can't believe you.
-I promise. It's over. Abby.
-(DOOR SLAMS)
-Fuck. Fuck.
( "GOLDMINE" BY OSHIMA BROTHERS)
Excuse me.
What do you think you're doing?
-Uh...
-You can't just throw rocks.
You could've hurt someone.
ABBY:
I mean, they're pretty far away.
I'm sorry!
(RASPS)
Go.
Anything from Jake?
Maybe this is just
a really twisted road
to you ending up
with Oscar Isaac.
(LAUGHS)
Chloe, I never really
got a chance to thank you.
Abby, you're my best friend.
You never have to.
Plus, selfishly, I had no chance
to get back with Sam
without you.
I always knew
you two would end up together.
No, you didn't.
Literally was expecting
a restraining order.
Yep. That tracks.
What's for breakfast?
Oh, the Chloe Breakfast Special.
-Mmm. I love Cheerios.
-(LAUGHS)
Anything you want to do
before your flight today?
Not to be boring,
but I think I'm just gonna
get to the airport early.
I have a meeting for the mayor
when I land
and I haven't even thought of
the hook for his speech yet.
Oh, shoot. That reminds me.
Um, where...
Oh!
This came in the mail for you.
Holy shit, he did it.
Let's clip in, everyone.
You again.
Maybe the Mommy and Me class
is more your speed.
-But I'm not a mom.
-I was thinking more the Me.
Hey.
-Look, I really don't...
-No, hey. I get it.
But I just, I really don't like
how things went down
the other night.
It's fine. And honestly,
what you said...
-Was totally out of line.
-No.
You were right.
I was avoiding
the real reason Matt did it.
Turns out, it's because
he's an asshole
who never really cared
about me, so...
You girls recognize these?
They're called seats.
Now take one.
Isn't Jake
usually in this class?
Hasn't missed one in two years.
Said he had
some kind of meeting.
The Sight Sealing pitch.
INSTRUCTOR: All right, everyone.
It's time to grind.
Need a ride?
-Really?
-Come on.
We'll be like
Thelma and Louise.
Don't they drive off a cliff?
I can get you there
in 15 minutes.
Great. OK.
OK.
So, where are we going?
-ABBY: Vanderton Capital.
-Here we go.
Sight Sealing
forces you to stop,
literally take in
the air around you
and preserve the moments that
you want to hold on to forever.
So, it's just...
-air in a bottle?
-Uh...
Yes. Yes,
but the air is a novelty.
But ultimately, it's ten bucks
for a bottle of air, right?
(EXHALES NERVOUSLY)
I just want you to know
that if I'd had any idea
he was in a relationship,
-there is no...
-Look, Kenzie Scott...
-Just Kenzie's fine.
-OK, Kenzie...
Mm, actually,
can you do Kenzie Scott?
I do like it better.
Are you sure
we're going the right way?
I feel like
we passed that gas station.
KENZIE: Yeah,
but the last time we passed it,
it was on the other side.
It seems like it would be
more successful in New York.
-Why not launch it there?
-Uh, yes.
Uh, I thought about that.
Um, it's... There's... a lot of,
like, bureaucratic red tape
in New York with the landmarks.
You know, it's the, um...
I agree. Yeah, it would...
It would...
It would do well in New York.
I did think of that. Um...
Honestly, I'm past all of it.
My mind's on other things now.
That's what this is about.
All right. Then go get him.
Wait. Why are we stopped?
Oh, yeah, we've been here
for five minutes.
Jesus!
I agree.
I think it would be smarter
to launch
in New York and California.
Sorry to interrupt
but I have something
that will make Sight Sealing
an even more
compelling investment.
Mr. Barbiero, what is this?
I'm sorry. I couldn't leave
without giving you this.
Hey. Hey. Abby.
You forgot this.
You're Kenzie Scott. Oh, man.
-I'm a huge fan.
-Oh.
You were great
in that cave movie.
Thank you.
-Abby, what are you doing here?
-I spent the last few weeks
chasing some stupid list
instead of seeing
what was right in front of me.
Excuse me. What is this?
This is written permission from
Mayor Capozzi for Sight Sealing
to use any New York City
landmark.
-What?
-And that's just the beginning.
Let me tell you something
about this man.
He is not just a visionary.
He is the most passionate, yet
grounded person I have ever met.
And I have seen him
take a company
that was utterly lost and broken
and give it purpose again.
And sure, maybe that company
was a little misguided
in trying to sleep
with famous companies
to get back at the evil company
it used to be linked to, but...
Are they still talking
about the bottles?
-Who knows?
-You have a choice.
Do you wanna invest in a startup
that will take the souvenir
industry by storm?
This could be the very moment
that defines the future of...
What's this firm again?
-Abby, they already said yes.
-Wait, what?
We're launching with the
Hollywood Air bottle next month.
(SQUEALS)
What do you think about
also launching the Empire State
Building bottle?
We'd have to talk about
increasing the seed money.
Get the fuck outta here.
Sorry. Yes.
Yes. Amazing.
What the hell are these things?
JAKE: Um...
JAKE: I can't believe you got
the mayor to do all this.
ABBY: Kind of a big deal.
JAKE: Hey, did you...
Did you... Did you really mean
everything you said in there?
Of course.
You know I was the company,
right?
You were? Of course I knew.
Did somebody say,
"Race to the airport?"
No, no one said that.
I'm gonna call a car.
Smart. I probably
shouldn't drive
since I don't have a
license.
-Abby.
-Yeah?
The car pickup is on
the other side of the building.
OK, OK, OK.
-So many stairs!
-I know.
Short Stack.
You gotta be kidding me.
OK. All right.
Don't worry. I got it.
-Wasn't worried.
-Yeah.
(GRUNTS)
You need a child seat
back there?
(FORCED CHUCKLE)
JAKE: Hey. I hope
you made your flight.
Sounds like I'll be coming
to New York soon.
Can't wait to see
some of your favorite spots.
Oh, and good luck
at the big meeting.
If it doesn't go well,
I can always barge in
and save the day,
because, you know,
I guess I owe you one.
WOMAN: Please turn off
all electronic devices.
Once airborne,
the captain will let you know
when you can use
approved electronic devices.
Please review
the in-flight magazine
for a list of approved devices.
They never hold the plane
for me.
ABBY: Sorry?
They delayed
us to let someone on.
I mean, it must be
someone important.
(CHUCKLES) Excuse me.
Hi. Is that Oscar Isaac
in first class?
We're really not supposed
to say.
Oscar Isaac?
Oh, my God, he's on my list.
-What list?
-You know.
My list of celebrities
I can sleep with.
I didn't know you had a list.
Of course I have a list.
Monogamy 101.
("WAITING" BY ALOUD
PLAYS OVER HEADPHONES)
(SONG CONTINUES)