The Makeover of Ashton Croyd (2023) Movie Script
1
(gentle music)
- [Helena] Some metro
systems have circle lines.
These lines used to intrigue me.
They go round and round and
round and lead you nowhere.
The longer you ride the
less sense it makes.
The moment you've done the
full circle and continue riding
there is cause for concern.
(gentle music)
I've encountered circle
lines in two cities
in London and in Berlin.
I'll never put my foot
in neither of them again.
I met Ashton, Croyd
along both lines
with almost 20
years between them.
I'm here to tell his story.
(gentle music)
You may think you've
heard it before,
but you haven't really,
not the true story.
Many of you will remember the
pictures of a man going under,
but that's not who he was, at
least not how I remember him.
(gentle music)
And as he's not here to
tell the story himself,
I'll try my best.
You'll see some interviews
and clips from his last year,
but they've been
edited and censored
by the people
behind the project.
And believe me, there were
dark forces behind this
that don't want to
show their true faces.
It took quite a few legal
battles to come to this point,
but here I am now.
I found enough footage
and information,
and the more I've found,
the more I understand
where you'll find his soul.
(gentle music)
It's in his music.
When the city wakes
When the city wakes
It will see what
we've been through
When the morning breaks
If we've survived
When the city wakes
- [Helena] Since I
was a little girl,
I've always wanted to be
an actress, to be in films,
to tell romantic
stories of love and hate
and of life and death.
And here I am, finally
doing my own film.
And even though it contains
all the ingredients
I could wish for, this is not
the kind of film I imagined.
(upbeat music)
I expect no red carpet.
No applause from the audience
on the opening night,
like I dreamed of 20 years ago.
A dream that led me to London
to develop as an actress
at one of the world's
leading drama schools.
And it's there that
I met Ashton Croyd.
(upbeat music)
When the city wakes
When the city wakes
It will see what
we've been through
When the morning breaks
If we've survived
When the city wakes
- [Helena] Well, Ashton
was not his real name,
but the class gave
up to pronounce
his original Scandinavian
name after a couple of months.
So he chose Ashton
Croyd as an alias.
(gentle music)
The in London was a time
of Shakespeare and love,
fencing and passion and
drama on many levels.
I was taken off guard when he
fell madly in love with me.
(gentle music)
We were rehearsing scenes from
the comedy "Twelfth night."
He played the jester Feste,
and I played Olivia.
(gentle music)
Officially I could not allow
myself to return his feelings.
I was engaged.
But in the rehearsal space,
I sometimes couldn't
restrain myself.
It was like living
in a different world
where they spoke a poetic
and romantic language
that seemed so much more
relevant to our feelings
than the language
we found outside.
(gentle music)
Our backgrounds couldn't
be more different,
but here we could be equals.
We were both foreigners.
But as even the English students
struggled with Shakespeare,
we didn't feel out of place.
We fell in love while speaking
this long lost language
so much that the reality
outside started to blur out.
(soft music)
The drama school was scattered
around southwest London,
so we were constantly
on the move underground.
The sound of the Tube became
the soundtrack of that time.
The screeching sound of
friction between metals,
the lights flashing by
in the dark tunnels,
then the complete
silence and the darkness
when the lights went off.
(upbeat music)
When school was finished,
he took a detour
to follow me to Notting
Hill where I lived.
After saying goodbye there,
he would continue on the
circle line to his dodgy flat
and King's Cross,
as he told me later.
(soft music)
London was the coolest city
in the world at the time.
And to us it was the
perfect location.
We were the center
of the action.
When we were together, I was
the leading lady of my life
and he was the
leading man of his.
(soft music)
Our many goodbyes by the steps
in Notting Hill Tube Station
had so much suspense in them.
He wanted desperately
to be physical,
but I would coquettishly
keep him at an arm's length.
I could not allow
that in public.
And I knew it had to stop.
(gentle music)
There was a life after this,
and I knew I had already
let it gone too far.
(crowd chattering)
"Twelfth Night" was the
last play we did together
as groups changed
for the next plays.
So did the locations
for the rehearsals.
It was a relief to me.
I had such bad conscience
towards my fiance.
Now I would have less
contact with Ashton.
I knew that if I spent more
time with him at this point,
there would be no going back.
And I could just imagine the
size of that scandal back home.
We said our final goodbyes
at the street corner
outside South
Kensington Tube Station.
I live a note but don't know
What it's for
Just scribble something down
To make this matter more
But it won't change a thing
Its all the same
Once it could have mattered
But the moment never came
Should say hello
to something else
- [Helena] And he
didn't follow me
with a train to
Notting Hill this time
he said that we would
never meet again.
It felt like he had
turned completely cold.
Why are we still
worlds apart
Have I been a fool
just to trust in fate
Have I been a clown wasting
time to wait for you
Are we still worlds
apart tonight
When yours shine so bright
- [Helena] I cried my heart
out after he had jumped
on the Piccadilly Line
train back to King's Cross.
If I could have seen
into the future then
I would've run after him
and never let him go.
So I've cleared my
head my words are out
But you will never know
what this is all about
My words will
give no meaning
You'll see no sense
But it will work just fine
As proof of my pretense
(upbeat music)
- [Helena] So I moved
back to Germany,
settled with my
fiance, got married
and did what people
wanted me to do.
Did what I thought I had to do.
It was a failure.
I could never settle
into being the Hausfrau
that people wanted me to become.
I could not give him kids.
I hated keeping up
the appearances.
He could never understand
my fits of restlessness,
anger, bitterness.
Who are we
Who are we now
Who are we now
Who we we
Who are we now
Who are we now
- [Helena] The sad thing
is that it took me 18 years
to realize it.
(upbeat music)
I had no contact with
Ashton in this period.
But a week after me
and my husband split,
he contacted me on Facebook,
said he was coming to Berlin,
if we could meet.
It was like God wanted to
give us a second chance.
(upbeat music)
It was a shock to see him again.
I was so full of expectations,
having sent messages
back and forth.
The old feelings came
back this sensation
of being back in
this romantic film.
But when I opened the door and
saw him, I remember thinking,
"Oh no, it's too late."
It broke my heart.
(gentle music)
But I had to take him in and
we had to explore the feelings
that never had been
allowed to be explored.
We had to become us.
(upbeat music)
Who are we
Who are we now
Who are we we now
Who are we
Who are we now
Who are we now
- [Helena] I think
he knew deep down
where this was heading,
but we had to explore it.
Even though it would
end in tears again.
(gentle music)
And it would.
(gentle music)
I introduced him to
Lisa before we split.
She was an artist working
with photo concepts
and installations.
I'd been discovering
Ashton's music again
in the time we had together.
And I thought there was
something special in his songs.
It was still as pure
as back in London.
And I wanted to stay
in Berlin at least
to be artistically fruitful.
Lisa was not a close friend,
but she moved in the
same circles as me.
And at a dinner party, she had
been talking about a concept
that she was developing.
- I was invited to have an
exclusive photo exhibition
at the JRGallery in Berlin.
This would be my second one.
And they wanted me
back as my previous one
a few years earlier,
was a great success.
The working title
or my working title
was Impossible Changes.
I wanted to prove that change
is possible if you want it,
however difficult it seems.
It was a theme that I had
been working on for a while,
but I found it kind of difficult
to find the right angle
or the right focus on it,
because the images I already
had were a bit too general
and a bit of, yeah, all
over the place, you know.
- [Helena] Lisa had really
grown big in art circles
as she managed to reach
new and bigger audiences
to the galleries.
(soft music)
She came across as down
to earth and modest,
but always managed to catch
the latest in pop culture.
And she was second to
none when it came to PR.
The critics actually
claimed her true art form
was exactly that.
Public Relations.
- [Lisa] He was a
really rough looking,
middle aged character.
And from his appearance
it looked like
he was living on the streets.
And I found it kind
of funny because
he had a black acoustic
guitar that he seemed
to be taking better
care of than himself.
And he wasn't
impressive in any way.
I mean, the bascas in
Berlin are of high standard
and often working professionals
that just need some
extra cash, you know.
But sometimes the moods that
he created made me stop.
It was like he
shared his whole life
with the busy
commuters passing by.
Somehow he could fill the
space with this human soul
and this guitar
and this big voice.
(footsteps thudding)
Feel the current
is getting stronger
I need to find
my way back again
No way to find the
light you search for
No use in waiting for
this feeling to fade
When your tear
touch the ground
We're gonna find
the way back again
Cause it's too hard
loving you know
It's too hard loving
It's too hard loving to hard
You feel your body
fight against you
Is it your will
to push it further
And when your feet
touch the ground
You know you've found
Your way back again
'Cause its too
hard loving you now
Its too hard loving you
Its too hard loving
Too hard
It's too hard
You know its too hard
Now its too hard
You know its too hard
And it's too hard
You know its too hard
It's too hard
Too hard
Too hard
Too hard
- [Helena] Oh time, thou
must untangle this, not I.
It is too hard a
knot for me to untie.
(soft music)
- Say, I didn't recognize any
of the songs he performed.
So, I assumed that it was
his own material, you know.
I think it's a brave
choice if you want people
to like what you're doing.
But somehow he seemed misplaced.
(gentle music)
In the beginning it was
just a passing thought.
But one day, when I
returned to my studio,
I started thinking, "Why is
this person in this situation?
"Could he change
his life around?
"And what would this
change be like, you know?
"I mean, how far can that go?"
Yeah and that's it.
That's how my
exhibition took a turn
and became the makeover
of Ashton Croyd.
(gentle music)
- [Helena] In nature there's
no blemish, but the mind,
none can be called
deformed but the unkind.
Lead me on
Just lead me on
Lead me on
Lead me on
Just come what may
We'll deal with
it on our way
Just lead me on
Lead me on
Yeah, just lead me on
Lead me on
Just lead me
Let's just pretend
That there won't be
no end
Ooh
Just lead me on
- I needed to move
forward with my project
and it was an exhibition
about our time.
So I had to move forward with
the platforms of our time.
Because the exhibition
should be the closing of it
and the presentation
would be done online
on all the social
media platforms.
We are making a documentary
and they are following
me through my project.
- [Ashton] Okay, so they
they're a part of the--
- They are part of--
- [Ashton] Part of it
- yeah, they are
just the people to--
- [Ashton] There's
nothing hidden.
- [Lisa] No.
Lead me on
Yeah just lead me on
Lead me on
Lead me on
Just come what may
We'll deal with
it on our way
Lead me on
Yeah just lead me on
Lead me on
Lead me on
Let's just pretend
That there won't be no way
Ooh
Just lead me on
Lead me on just come what may
And we'll deal
with it on our way
Yeah just lead me on
Oh just lead me on
And come what may,
We'll deal with
it on our way
Let's just pretend
There will be no end
Just lead me on
Lead me on
Just lead me on
Just lead me on
Lead me on
Just lead me on
- [Helena] I think Ashton
thought the makeover
would be a biographical
photo exhibition about him
as a musician.
And that Lisa would let the
music play a vital part of it.
That one would give
attention to the other.
That the focus would be
on him as a performer.
- [Ashton] A makeover,
it's a silly concept.
Yeah, I know, everybody loves it
because it's very much
in the time, yeah.
Because people think that,
"Oh, I lose whatever kilos
or blah, blah blah, blah."
And then, "Oh look, success."
This is pathetic,
we all know this.
But it's a symbol
that people, you know,
it is this dream of
something can happen.
My life can change
around completely.
I can become
something else, yeah.
It's all a scam, it's not true.
To me it's about the music.
That's what I live and breathe.
That's what I care about.
That's my life.
- [Helena] I tried to reach
Ashton in this period,
but I couldn't get
through to him.
He was completely cut off
from the outside world.
However, we could all follow
the project on social media.
I had a growing feeling that
he was doing it all for me
to win me back.
That he would stand
at my door again
having lived up to
his full potential
that we would have our third
chance to get things right.
- If you don't follow, you
know, these are cliches,
but you know this.
If you don't fit into this,
then you are nothing basically.
So it's not so much about,
"Oh, I didn't make it."
It's about, "I don't
wanna be a part of it."
I don't wanna be a
part of it, yeah.
And then when you don't
wanna be a part of it,
you know, it's the
anarchist problem.
If you don't wanna be a part
of it, there's nothing for you.
You're fucked.
(soft music)
Because you have to
settle for our rules.
We come to this world naked.
Have absolutely nothing.
We come to this world naked.
And then after say two decades,
some people get the
idea in their mind
that they know how
everything works.
"Oh, the reason why you're
here is because this and that.
"And you have to behave
like this and that."
Who the fuck gave
them these ideas?
And who are they to tell
me or you what to do?
You came to this world
screaming, naked.
For fuck sake.
- [Lisa] Ashton was in a
deep crisis when I met him.
(soft music)
I was introduced to
him by Helena Von Hoff
who actually had been
dating him to that point.
I think she felt really
bad about the situation
as she was the reason
he was in Berlin.
I had contacted her
right before that,
because I wanted
tips on musicians
that were struggling in Berlin.
So she hoped that a
cooperation with me
would help him move on quicker.
- Can you explain to me why...
It's, you have it in religion,
you have it in society,
you have the...
Suddenly people
become judgemental.
Suddenly some people,
"I'm so clever
"that I can judge you."
Why?
You came to this world
screaming red, blue or whatever
in the face, having
absolutely nothing.
Let's face it.
It's a fucking disgrace.
(gentle music)
(train engine revving)
(gentle music)
I want to be me.
Yeah, I want to be me
(sirens wailing)
so badly.
(sirens wailing)
(Ashton chuckles)
- [Interviewer] A
little change happen?
(sirens wailing)
- Well.. the change, it
sounds like a disease.
Yeah.
- [Interviewer] What
about the change of mind?
You can say, "I change
my perspective."
- Well, I'm sitting
here with you.
So things are, something
is happening, isn't it?
I dunno what, and I'm not naive.
(Ashton chuckles)
I don't think, you know,
things fall from the sky.
But what is there
to lose for me?
I'm so, here I am
talking to you.
All your silly questions.
(gentle music)
- Being hungry, being
cold, being no...
Have no roof and stuff, and
being ignored from other people.
That's what I wanna change.
I don't know.
I have the feeling that it's
my responsibility to do that
because I see so many people
that ignore that situation
and I'm not able to ignore it.
So I think it's my
responsibility to show that.
(upbeat music)
- This is what people
are so crazy about.
You need to talk
about your past, yeah.
Oh yeah, your past.
Where are you from?
When did it go wrong?
When?
Huh?
(car engine revving)
I don't believe it.
I don't think it's interesting.
I think people are too
concerned with these things.
I think they're
completely obsessed
with the concept of where
they're from, where they belong.
You know, people,
the world goes mental
about this at the moment.
(upbeat music)
It is important to tell
the story, isn't it?
How did you end up like this?
Where did you come from, huh?
- [Interviewer]
You know the story
is always about having the
past and moving forward.
- Yeah, yeah, I know in
your book it is, isn't it?
In your book, yeah?
- [Interviewer] We
don't have a book.
- [Ashton] Oh, you
don't play okay.
- [Interviewer] We
don't have a book.
We just go by what you tell
us, you know what your--
(car engine revving)
- And then it's freezing.
It's, what would you expect?
How would you feel?
- [Interviewer] Well, to
be honest, I'm pretty glad
that I have a home.
- Why aren't you at home?
Why aren't you warm in
your living room, huh?
The bedroom, wrapped
up in your duvet, huh?
Why are you here?
- [Lisa] Even though
we were spending
quite a lot of time together,
I had problems talking about
how he spends his nights.
He said that he had
his naps on benches
and that he had a station
that he uses as a base
and that is under construction.
And he was very, very proud.
He never talked about
himself as homeless.
(upbeat music)
- Yeah, I mean, honestly,
there's one thing I regret
in regard to Lisa's exhibition.
I do regret that we didn't
manage to protect her better.
You know, I mean a lot of
crazy things were going on
long before we
even opened doors.
There was news about this
thing like going mad.
It was a wildfire.
It's time flash
your white teeth
It's time to let them stare
God knows what's
lying underneath
This fabric just won't tear
What a glamorous sight
Breaking through the night
All you see is waving hands
In the light
But I can't give you
what you came for
Just have a look round here
and see what's going on
And tell me who you
play this game for
You can go on all night
But soon I will
be gone, so long
You can go on all
night, but soon
I will be gone
I'll be gone I'll
be gone I'll be gone
- You know the fan group, the
hashtag, the charity thing.
There were songs streamed
all over the place, viral.
You know, millions of clicks.
Images, tweets.
Kind of the momentum
was incredible.
I decided to hire
a young film crew
to create some clips and
content to enable people
to follow her process.
And that slowly developed into
the idea of a documentary.
Same happened with
the music by the way.
The clips of Ashton Croyd's
performances became so popular.
It was natural to, you know,
to book him into a studio.
Have a backing band.
It must have been like
winning a lottery.
Go where your
feet will take you
You know it's getting late
Become what they
will make you
Knock knock knock
Here comes your fate
What a wonderful day
And I can hear them say
This must be the
perfect hide away
Aah
Yeah
But I can't give you
what you came for
Just have a look round here
And see what's going on
And tell me who you
play this game for
We can go on all night
But soon I will
be gone so long
We can go on all night
But soon I will be gone
I will be gone
I will be gone
I will be gone
I will be gone
- At first it's
important that the person
already has an aura, so
I can catch something.
And then I think
it's very important
to get in a relationship
with a person
that the person can trust me.
And yeah, the
important thing is that
the person doesn't
feel uncomfortable
or doesn't feel
naked in any way.
That he feels
occupied in my work
and that he feels good.
(upbeat music)
(suspenseful music)
- [Helena] So after a
month of charming him
and building up his trust,
Ashton signed a contract
with Lisa that gave
her the freedom
to follow him and take
photos as she pleased
for her exhibition.
(suspenseful music)
In return the
gallery would finance
the recording of Ashton's music.
I guess we will
never know if he knew
what he was signing up for.
Or if he cared about
the consequences
as long as he would be able
to finish his musical project.
This crossroad
wasn't on my map
So I suspected it
could be a trap
Made my choice
Couldn't tell
If it would lead to
heaven or to hell
Ooh I still remember
The songs in my head
When I walked the streets
Back then
Was it you was it
you all the time
Was it you was it
you all the time
Was it you
(upbeat music)
- When Lisa Jonrel became
kind of his manager,
Ashton Croyd grew a substantial
fan base, quite fast.
She basically used
him as a PR stunt
and people say that she
actually didn't want him
to get off the streets because
he was more easy to set.
(gentle music)
- I remember a press
release was forwarded to me
about a photographer
who single-handedly
would fight homelessness
with a camera.
I laughed at it and thought,
"Oh no another idealist
posing as Mother Theresa."
Until I read who was behind it.
(soft music)
Her first solo exhibition got
a ridiculous amount of press.
For a couple of weeks,
she was like a pop star
and no one seemed to
know what happened.
She was the new poster
girl for the art world
and what could then
be more provoking
than it all looking like she
was running a kind of charity.
She was that good a sales woman.
(soft music)
Lisa's social media
campaigns had a broader range
than I think she intended.
What started as a PR
for a solo exhibition
gave birth to a local
popular cultural icon.
(soft music)
First the photos.
And they worked
great on Instagram
and that's how his
career just exploded.
(soft music)
But then very soon
it was also his story
that the fans were interested in
and they wanted to save this
poor man living on the streets.
(gentle music)
I believe her
intentions probably were
to reach a more
intellectual art audience.
(gentle music)
His fan base was
soon named Croydsberg
after the group's
origin in Kreuzberg.
They were mostly millennials
that was probably looking
for a just cause to fight for.
And in principle, what
could be more just
than fighting for the people
we see suffering every day.
(gentle music)
[speaking in foreign language]
- We are always told that
we are what we deserve.
But that's all a lie.
And we are here
to stop the lies.
We will not stop until
every person on the streets
has been given help.
Has been given a house, a
permanent room and self respect.
[speaking in foreign language]
- Well actually from
my point of view,
Ashton Croyd isn't the first
one who needs to be saved.
He is a White male.
He comes from one of the
richest countries in the world
with a perfectly
well social system.
[speaking in foreign language]
- Reporters has put my
life under scrutiny.
24/7.
I mean this has been hyped up
and I... bless them.
I adore the Croydsberg,
but they are at the moment
not exactly what I need.
Because I have to live
up to some sort of ideal
that I'm not comfortable with
or can't live with.
(gentle music)
- They created the #makeroom.
And basically it was
about getting room
for everyone living
on the streets.
- I guess my only
real connection
might be that I'm walking
past homeless people
and people who are trying
and fighting for their lives
and basic needs every day,
that I'm walking
past them every day.
And if you live in a
big city like I do,
at some point you'll
start to unnotice it
and blend out the nasty
stuff from the ugly stuff.
'Cause you don't want to see it.
(gentle music)
[speaking in foreiagn language]
- I am not a good human being.
I am not a good human being.
I've hurt so many people.
(gentle music)
[speaking in foreign language]
(gentle music)
[speaking in foreign language]
(gentle music)
(birds chirping)
- The one thing I
cannot forgive myself
for is that..
I left a little girl behind.
- He really loved my mom.
You know, he really, really did.
(gentle music)
I don't know, kind of in
a way I always forgave him
for leaving because he
made my mom so very happy.
And I just, I loved
seeing her with him
because she laughed at
all of the stupid jokes,
even when they weren't
funny, she laughed.
He had this childhood
and this background
that wasn't the easiest and
I just would always blame
it all on that.
And..
he just, he brought
out the best in her
and that's what I
loved about him.
(gentle music)
And when she got really ill,
(gentle music)
we both just decided to
cry all our tears out
and just we sat there in our
living room and just cried.
(gentle music)
It's was so long.
(upbeat music)
Now everything's dark
And I know that that
is scary for you
But we'll keep on
watching while you sleep
And I may not be strong
And I may be scared
just like you
But I've seen it before
And I know what to do
In my own way
I will chase the shadows
In my own way
To keep them away from you
The sun will be up
To chase the
night away again
With laughters and fights
Of a new day
And I wish I could show
I wish I could
prove myself to you
So you could be safe
when darkness arrives
In my own way
In my own way
I will chase the shadows
In my own way
To keep them away from you
In my own way
I will fight the dragons
In my own way
To keep them away from you
You
Chase the shadows
Fight the dragons
Night and day for you
In my own way
In my own way
- When the funeral
came, I didn't have
and I didn't have any
tears left to cry.
So I was the one
comforting people and he...
That's why I'm not mad at him.
I just don't get it.
I mean, if you love a
person, how can you leave?
I just, I don't get it.
(gentle music)
- And that's where it all
goes wrong in my head.
Time and time again.
(soft music)
Everything looks bright.
(birds chirping)
(soft music)
- [Helena] I should have known
that he had lived a life too.
It had been almost
20 years after all.
But he never told me about this.
It was like my whole
world fell apart.
The makeover was
never to win me back.
It was for her.
I realized you don't get a
third chance in real life.
I'd become a sad,
conceited person.
(gentle music)
[speaking in foreiagn language]
- [Helena] When public opinions
started to go against Lisa,
she went on a crusade
to defend her actions.
As I was not able to
reach Ashton
for along period of time,
and as she would ignore
my calls and messages,
I went to the press
to express my concern.
I wasn't the only one.
[speaking in foreiagn language]
- [Helena] The Croydsberg
movement was starting
to divide itself
into two fractions.
On one hand, there
were the people
who were completely
loyal to Lisa
and on the other, a growing
group of concerned activists
and social workers.
[speaking in foreign language]
- Yeah people turned on Lisa
and it was really ugly to
follow the Croydsberg movement.
(gentle music)
They started to follow
her, they threatened her.
She had to move her
flat, move all her stuff
out of the studio.
She had to stay low.
(soft music)
- [Helena] The answer
to the question
of how he could survive on
the street for half a year
awaiting his music to
be released is simple.
The Berlin Press
called it der cocktail.
- I woke up one morning
and the first thing I saw
was a reporter asking me,
[Ashton, in German]
And they want to know
who's supplying this.
24/7 they trace me because
they want to find out
where these drop off points are.
So I have to move
in mysterious ways
to get away from all these
people trying to find out
where the drop off points are.
- [Helena] The cocktail was a
mix of substances and drinks
to keep him at bay.
They fed it to him secretly,
nobody could trace it.
- I mean, how can anyone
sponsor a life on the street?
How's that even possible?
[speaking in foreign language]
- [Helena] The
makeover as an idea
was starting to become a joke.
Lisa had gone into the
project wanting Ashton
to change from a homeless person
into a star in six months.
But everyone could see his
appearance deteriorating
day by day, giving
the opposite effect.
They got the timing wrong,
the momentum came too early.
The exhibition came too late.
(gentle music)
- I wanted Ashton
to release his music
as a part of the project.
I knew that was
important to him.
However, I couldn't
do everything alone.
And the people I worked
with made the conclusion
that his music was a bit
wrong for the project.
It was not the sound
of Berlin in 2018.
And we needed the
sound of Berlin in 2018
to follow my photos.
And there were also reports
that he was very difficult
to work with, that the
producer was really
struggling with him.
- [Helena] The producer
wanted to use bits and pieces
of his melodies and mix
them on top of industrial
dance grooves to portray
the grit and gloominess
of Berlin's underworld.
Yet finally being given
time to record his music.
But the producer had
left the session.
He could not work
with neither Ashton
nor his music, he claimed.
He had canceled the
first day of recording
due to the smell.
A smell you can expect from
my man living on the street
for half a year.
He was forced to wash before
coming back the next day.
- [Lisa] Remember, this
was my project, not his.
People missed that point.
Yes, I understand that his
song and his personality
made people take
him to their hearts.
But none of that would
happen without me.
Now people want to
give him all the credit
and that is just wrong.
This is my concept,
my story, my creation.
- [Helena] But at the 11th
hour, Lisa and the gallery
got their act together and
a physical makeover started.
They got the inspiration
from the heyday of Hollywood,
rainbow diet pills.
The cocktail changed from
alcohol to amphetamines.
(upbeat music)
We're drifted with the wind
Got lost along the way
And when a storm came up
We knew we couldn't be saved
Cause we were chasing
different things
Like people do
And there was
no time to think
No time to act
No time for me and you
I stay alone just
to hurt myself
I stay alone because I care
I stay alone
because sometimes
I know our love
will reappear
And you'll be there
Yeah, you'll be there
Well, I admit defeat
I honestly see where I fail
You seem to call the shots
And wanting me to
chase your tail
As I was pushing forward
You would lag behind
And there was no time to do
What we wanted to then
I stay alone just
to hurt myself
I stay alone because I can
I stay alone because in time
I know our love
will reappear
The sweetest love
that I've ever had
The brightest sky
I've ever seen
It all came crashing down
Somehow I wish the
gods will intervene
You know what I mean
(gentle music)
- So when you asked me
to do the interview,
I was happy to do so.
Most of all to defend Lisa.
And I will defend the
right to express yourself
in any given situation.
You know, freedom of speech
is at the core of my work.
And I will not let
criticism or cynicism
rule me or compromise my work
and compromise the artist
I choose to display.
- [Helena] Come
away, come away death
and in sad cypress,
let me be laid.
Fly away, fly away breath.
I'm slain by a fair cruel maid.
My shroud of white
stuck all with yew,
O, prepare it!
My part of death, no one so true
did share it.
Not a flower, not a flower sweet
on my black coffin
let there be strown.
Not a friend, not a friend
greet my poor corpse, where
my bones shall be thrown.
A thousand thousand
sighs to save,
Lay me, O, where
sad true lover
never find my grave,
to weep there.
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
This is goodbye
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
This is goodbye
Such a failure such a say
But there is no
wild beast to tame
I'm still me
Your liberator couldn't wait
But you'll regret
you took his bait
Cause you're not free
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
This is goodbye
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
This is goodbye
And please reach
out your hand to me
And make me understand
Come away come away death
And in sad cypress
let me be laid
Come away come away death
Fly away fly away breath
Just fly away
I am slain by a
fair cruel maid
Come away come away death
Come away come away death
And in sad cypress
let me be laid
Fly away fly away breathe
I am slain by a
fair cruel maid
My shroud of white
stuck all with yew
Come away come away
My part of death
no one so true
Come away come away death
This is goodbye
This is goodbye
This is goodbye
This is goodbye
This is goodbye
This is goodbye
Lay me O where
Sad true lover
never find my grave
To weep there
Goodbye goodbye
Goodbye goodbye
- I think some people don't get
that we're dealing
with a man here
who wanted to exit
his life with a bang.
You know, he wanted to
orchestrate his own exit.
What a coward act
in a way, you know,
leave everybody behind
just for a glimpse of fame.
- [Helena] He had only
a few days to record
the songs you've
heard in this film.
When Lisa and her people found
the development of the music,
not according to the artistic
vision of the project,
the session was cut short.
I came by on the last
day, he was alone
and in a good mood.
It seemed he was
in a good place.
Back in drama school,
Ashton had made some tunes
for the songs in
"Twelfth Night."
They didn't seem to be
something special at the time.
But now 20 years later,
hearing them again,
I realized that they had
been with me all along
as tunes from the past that
I couldn't quite place.
- [Radio Host] She's
back by popular demand.
Please give a big hand
to Helena von Hoff
doing her famous recital
from "Twelfth Night."
- [Helena] O mistress mind,
where are you roaming?
O stay and hear!
Your true-love's coming
that can sing both high and low;
Trip no further,
pretty sweeting,
journeys end in lover's meeting.
Every wise man's son doth know.
What is love?
'Tis not hereafter;
present mirth hath
present laughter;
What's to come is still unsure,
(soft music)
in delay their lies no plenty.
Then come kiss me,
Sweet and-twenty.
Youth's a stuff will not endure.
- [Ashton] Okay, thank you.
- [Woman] Welcome.
(gentle music)
In delay there
lies no plenty
Then come kiss me
sweet-and-twenty
Youth's a stuff
will not endure
Youth's a stuff
will not endure
Not endure
Not endure
- [Helena] Not endure.
(soft music)
The last goodbye in
London had such an impact
on the two of us.
I knew leaving him was
the correct thing to do,
but I already knew
then that it wasn't
the right thing to do.
It has been haunting
me ever since.
(soft music)
We went to court to
stop Lisa spreading
more her of lies and
self-promotion in
her documentary.
There was only one way
to win that battle,
through his music.
That's where his soul was.
She stole his face, his tragedy,
his future and his fate.
But she did not steal his music
because it wasn't
the sound of 2018.
(gentle music)
- The moment somebody
puts money on the table,
you have to deliver something.
Which may have made me do
things that I wouldn't have done
because I feel a
slight pressure.
Well the only change
for me is that people
have started treating
me differently.
Looking me into the eyes.
(gentle music)
You treat me differently too.
I don't know, you have
to ask yourself, why.
(soft music)
- [Helena] Some metro
systems have circle lines.
These lines used to intrigue me.
They go round and round and
round and lead you nowhere.
The longer you ride,
the less sense it makes.
(gentle music)
So, I've come full circle.
(gentle music)
And now I need to get off.
(gentle music)
Yeah I could feel the breeze
I saw the light
As I stood on the beach
A quiet summer night
I have this urge
to go to see
What's there
And bring it back some day
And keep it near
There's no better
life across the fjord
Don't ask me where I've been
Please just let me in
And I know you'll
understand me
I saw imaginary angels
Please forgive my sin
But the winds
Are so much colder now
And the waves
Splash against my face
I close my eyes to see
If it's still there
But there's no image left
I've found my place
There's no better
life across the fjord
Don't ask me where I've been
Please just let me in
And I know you'll
understand me
And so imaginary angels
Please forgive my sin
I say imaginary angels
Please forgive my sins
(gentle music)
- [Helena] My stars
shine darkly over me.
The malignancy of my fate
might perhaps distemper yours.
Therefore, I shall
crave of you your leave
that I may bear my evils alone.
It were a bad
recompense for your love
to lay any of them on you.
(gentle music)
Step by step by
I'm going down
Walking down the stairs
Going underground
I know where I
found my place
I'm cut off and I
can leave the race
Hey K
I've never felt
so close to you
As I do down here
Shall I jump on
Or jump off
Got the looks of a thief
And the eye of misbelief
But I dance like a queen
I've got a dog and a friend
Much the same
In the end at least the dog
Is kind of clean
There's a hole in my cup
So come on fill it up
Another day another night
Another fear I have to fight
With the hands of Chopin
And if you ask
It's a way to get by
My piano and I
And a bottle of wine
I've got a glass
and I've got ice
I've got cards
and I've got dice
But just ain't got no luck
Got a chair and a bed
Had a bird but it fled
The cage and I
We're stuck
There's a hole in my cup
Come and fill it up
Another day another night
Another fear I have to fight
With the hands of Chopin
And if you ask
Its a way to get by
My piano and I
And a bottle of wine
Got the voice of a priest
An incurable disease
I'm on top of my breed
There's a hole in my cup
Come and fill it up
Another day another night
Another fear I have to fight
With the hands of Chopin
And if you ask
It's a way to get by
My piano and I
And a bottle of wine
With the hands of Chopin
And if you ask
Its the way to get by
My piano and I
And a bottle of wine
(gentle music)
- [Helena] Some metro
systems have circle lines.
These lines used to intrigue me.
They go round and round and
round and lead you nowhere.
The longer you ride the
less sense it makes.
The moment you've done the
full circle and continue riding
there is cause for concern.
(gentle music)
I've encountered circle
lines in two cities
in London and in Berlin.
I'll never put my foot
in neither of them again.
I met Ashton, Croyd
along both lines
with almost 20
years between them.
I'm here to tell his story.
(gentle music)
You may think you've
heard it before,
but you haven't really,
not the true story.
Many of you will remember the
pictures of a man going under,
but that's not who he was, at
least not how I remember him.
(gentle music)
And as he's not here to
tell the story himself,
I'll try my best.
You'll see some interviews
and clips from his last year,
but they've been
edited and censored
by the people
behind the project.
And believe me, there were
dark forces behind this
that don't want to
show their true faces.
It took quite a few legal
battles to come to this point,
but here I am now.
I found enough footage
and information,
and the more I've found,
the more I understand
where you'll find his soul.
(gentle music)
It's in his music.
When the city wakes
When the city wakes
It will see what
we've been through
When the morning breaks
If we've survived
When the city wakes
- [Helena] Since I
was a little girl,
I've always wanted to be
an actress, to be in films,
to tell romantic
stories of love and hate
and of life and death.
And here I am, finally
doing my own film.
And even though it contains
all the ingredients
I could wish for, this is not
the kind of film I imagined.
(upbeat music)
I expect no red carpet.
No applause from the audience
on the opening night,
like I dreamed of 20 years ago.
A dream that led me to London
to develop as an actress
at one of the world's
leading drama schools.
And it's there that
I met Ashton Croyd.
(upbeat music)
When the city wakes
When the city wakes
It will see what
we've been through
When the morning breaks
If we've survived
When the city wakes
- [Helena] Well, Ashton
was not his real name,
but the class gave
up to pronounce
his original Scandinavian
name after a couple of months.
So he chose Ashton
Croyd as an alias.
(gentle music)
The in London was a time
of Shakespeare and love,
fencing and passion and
drama on many levels.
I was taken off guard when he
fell madly in love with me.
(gentle music)
We were rehearsing scenes from
the comedy "Twelfth night."
He played the jester Feste,
and I played Olivia.
(gentle music)
Officially I could not allow
myself to return his feelings.
I was engaged.
But in the rehearsal space,
I sometimes couldn't
restrain myself.
It was like living
in a different world
where they spoke a poetic
and romantic language
that seemed so much more
relevant to our feelings
than the language
we found outside.
(gentle music)
Our backgrounds couldn't
be more different,
but here we could be equals.
We were both foreigners.
But as even the English students
struggled with Shakespeare,
we didn't feel out of place.
We fell in love while speaking
this long lost language
so much that the reality
outside started to blur out.
(soft music)
The drama school was scattered
around southwest London,
so we were constantly
on the move underground.
The sound of the Tube became
the soundtrack of that time.
The screeching sound of
friction between metals,
the lights flashing by
in the dark tunnels,
then the complete
silence and the darkness
when the lights went off.
(upbeat music)
When school was finished,
he took a detour
to follow me to Notting
Hill where I lived.
After saying goodbye there,
he would continue on the
circle line to his dodgy flat
and King's Cross,
as he told me later.
(soft music)
London was the coolest city
in the world at the time.
And to us it was the
perfect location.
We were the center
of the action.
When we were together, I was
the leading lady of my life
and he was the
leading man of his.
(soft music)
Our many goodbyes by the steps
in Notting Hill Tube Station
had so much suspense in them.
He wanted desperately
to be physical,
but I would coquettishly
keep him at an arm's length.
I could not allow
that in public.
And I knew it had to stop.
(gentle music)
There was a life after this,
and I knew I had already
let it gone too far.
(crowd chattering)
"Twelfth Night" was the
last play we did together
as groups changed
for the next plays.
So did the locations
for the rehearsals.
It was a relief to me.
I had such bad conscience
towards my fiance.
Now I would have less
contact with Ashton.
I knew that if I spent more
time with him at this point,
there would be no going back.
And I could just imagine the
size of that scandal back home.
We said our final goodbyes
at the street corner
outside South
Kensington Tube Station.
I live a note but don't know
What it's for
Just scribble something down
To make this matter more
But it won't change a thing
Its all the same
Once it could have mattered
But the moment never came
Should say hello
to something else
- [Helena] And he
didn't follow me
with a train to
Notting Hill this time
he said that we would
never meet again.
It felt like he had
turned completely cold.
Why are we still
worlds apart
Have I been a fool
just to trust in fate
Have I been a clown wasting
time to wait for you
Are we still worlds
apart tonight
When yours shine so bright
- [Helena] I cried my heart
out after he had jumped
on the Piccadilly Line
train back to King's Cross.
If I could have seen
into the future then
I would've run after him
and never let him go.
So I've cleared my
head my words are out
But you will never know
what this is all about
My words will
give no meaning
You'll see no sense
But it will work just fine
As proof of my pretense
(upbeat music)
- [Helena] So I moved
back to Germany,
settled with my
fiance, got married
and did what people
wanted me to do.
Did what I thought I had to do.
It was a failure.
I could never settle
into being the Hausfrau
that people wanted me to become.
I could not give him kids.
I hated keeping up
the appearances.
He could never understand
my fits of restlessness,
anger, bitterness.
Who are we
Who are we now
Who are we now
Who we we
Who are we now
Who are we now
- [Helena] The sad thing
is that it took me 18 years
to realize it.
(upbeat music)
I had no contact with
Ashton in this period.
But a week after me
and my husband split,
he contacted me on Facebook,
said he was coming to Berlin,
if we could meet.
It was like God wanted to
give us a second chance.
(upbeat music)
It was a shock to see him again.
I was so full of expectations,
having sent messages
back and forth.
The old feelings came
back this sensation
of being back in
this romantic film.
But when I opened the door and
saw him, I remember thinking,
"Oh no, it's too late."
It broke my heart.
(gentle music)
But I had to take him in and
we had to explore the feelings
that never had been
allowed to be explored.
We had to become us.
(upbeat music)
Who are we
Who are we now
Who are we we now
Who are we
Who are we now
Who are we now
- [Helena] I think
he knew deep down
where this was heading,
but we had to explore it.
Even though it would
end in tears again.
(gentle music)
And it would.
(gentle music)
I introduced him to
Lisa before we split.
She was an artist working
with photo concepts
and installations.
I'd been discovering
Ashton's music again
in the time we had together.
And I thought there was
something special in his songs.
It was still as pure
as back in London.
And I wanted to stay
in Berlin at least
to be artistically fruitful.
Lisa was not a close friend,
but she moved in the
same circles as me.
And at a dinner party, she had
been talking about a concept
that she was developing.
- I was invited to have an
exclusive photo exhibition
at the JRGallery in Berlin.
This would be my second one.
And they wanted me
back as my previous one
a few years earlier,
was a great success.
The working title
or my working title
was Impossible Changes.
I wanted to prove that change
is possible if you want it,
however difficult it seems.
It was a theme that I had
been working on for a while,
but I found it kind of difficult
to find the right angle
or the right focus on it,
because the images I already
had were a bit too general
and a bit of, yeah, all
over the place, you know.
- [Helena] Lisa had really
grown big in art circles
as she managed to reach
new and bigger audiences
to the galleries.
(soft music)
She came across as down
to earth and modest,
but always managed to catch
the latest in pop culture.
And she was second to
none when it came to PR.
The critics actually
claimed her true art form
was exactly that.
Public Relations.
- [Lisa] He was a
really rough looking,
middle aged character.
And from his appearance
it looked like
he was living on the streets.
And I found it kind
of funny because
he had a black acoustic
guitar that he seemed
to be taking better
care of than himself.
And he wasn't
impressive in any way.
I mean, the bascas in
Berlin are of high standard
and often working professionals
that just need some
extra cash, you know.
But sometimes the moods that
he created made me stop.
It was like he
shared his whole life
with the busy
commuters passing by.
Somehow he could fill the
space with this human soul
and this guitar
and this big voice.
(footsteps thudding)
Feel the current
is getting stronger
I need to find
my way back again
No way to find the
light you search for
No use in waiting for
this feeling to fade
When your tear
touch the ground
We're gonna find
the way back again
Cause it's too hard
loving you know
It's too hard loving
It's too hard loving to hard
You feel your body
fight against you
Is it your will
to push it further
And when your feet
touch the ground
You know you've found
Your way back again
'Cause its too
hard loving you now
Its too hard loving you
Its too hard loving
Too hard
It's too hard
You know its too hard
Now its too hard
You know its too hard
And it's too hard
You know its too hard
It's too hard
Too hard
Too hard
Too hard
- [Helena] Oh time, thou
must untangle this, not I.
It is too hard a
knot for me to untie.
(soft music)
- Say, I didn't recognize any
of the songs he performed.
So, I assumed that it was
his own material, you know.
I think it's a brave
choice if you want people
to like what you're doing.
But somehow he seemed misplaced.
(gentle music)
In the beginning it was
just a passing thought.
But one day, when I
returned to my studio,
I started thinking, "Why is
this person in this situation?
"Could he change
his life around?
"And what would this
change be like, you know?
"I mean, how far can that go?"
Yeah and that's it.
That's how my
exhibition took a turn
and became the makeover
of Ashton Croyd.
(gentle music)
- [Helena] In nature there's
no blemish, but the mind,
none can be called
deformed but the unkind.
Lead me on
Just lead me on
Lead me on
Lead me on
Just come what may
We'll deal with
it on our way
Just lead me on
Lead me on
Yeah, just lead me on
Lead me on
Just lead me
Let's just pretend
That there won't be
no end
Ooh
Just lead me on
- I needed to move
forward with my project
and it was an exhibition
about our time.
So I had to move forward with
the platforms of our time.
Because the exhibition
should be the closing of it
and the presentation
would be done online
on all the social
media platforms.
We are making a documentary
and they are following
me through my project.
- [Ashton] Okay, so they
they're a part of the--
- They are part of--
- [Ashton] Part of it
- yeah, they are
just the people to--
- [Ashton] There's
nothing hidden.
- [Lisa] No.
Lead me on
Yeah just lead me on
Lead me on
Lead me on
Just come what may
We'll deal with
it on our way
Lead me on
Yeah just lead me on
Lead me on
Lead me on
Let's just pretend
That there won't be no way
Ooh
Just lead me on
Lead me on just come what may
And we'll deal
with it on our way
Yeah just lead me on
Oh just lead me on
And come what may,
We'll deal with
it on our way
Let's just pretend
There will be no end
Just lead me on
Lead me on
Just lead me on
Just lead me on
Lead me on
Just lead me on
- [Helena] I think Ashton
thought the makeover
would be a biographical
photo exhibition about him
as a musician.
And that Lisa would let the
music play a vital part of it.
That one would give
attention to the other.
That the focus would be
on him as a performer.
- [Ashton] A makeover,
it's a silly concept.
Yeah, I know, everybody loves it
because it's very much
in the time, yeah.
Because people think that,
"Oh, I lose whatever kilos
or blah, blah blah, blah."
And then, "Oh look, success."
This is pathetic,
we all know this.
But it's a symbol
that people, you know,
it is this dream of
something can happen.
My life can change
around completely.
I can become
something else, yeah.
It's all a scam, it's not true.
To me it's about the music.
That's what I live and breathe.
That's what I care about.
That's my life.
- [Helena] I tried to reach
Ashton in this period,
but I couldn't get
through to him.
He was completely cut off
from the outside world.
However, we could all follow
the project on social media.
I had a growing feeling that
he was doing it all for me
to win me back.
That he would stand
at my door again
having lived up to
his full potential
that we would have our third
chance to get things right.
- If you don't follow, you
know, these are cliches,
but you know this.
If you don't fit into this,
then you are nothing basically.
So it's not so much about,
"Oh, I didn't make it."
It's about, "I don't
wanna be a part of it."
I don't wanna be a
part of it, yeah.
And then when you don't
wanna be a part of it,
you know, it's the
anarchist problem.
If you don't wanna be a part
of it, there's nothing for you.
You're fucked.
(soft music)
Because you have to
settle for our rules.
We come to this world naked.
Have absolutely nothing.
We come to this world naked.
And then after say two decades,
some people get the
idea in their mind
that they know how
everything works.
"Oh, the reason why you're
here is because this and that.
"And you have to behave
like this and that."
Who the fuck gave
them these ideas?
And who are they to tell
me or you what to do?
You came to this world
screaming, naked.
For fuck sake.
- [Lisa] Ashton was in a
deep crisis when I met him.
(soft music)
I was introduced to
him by Helena Von Hoff
who actually had been
dating him to that point.
I think she felt really
bad about the situation
as she was the reason
he was in Berlin.
I had contacted her
right before that,
because I wanted
tips on musicians
that were struggling in Berlin.
So she hoped that a
cooperation with me
would help him move on quicker.
- Can you explain to me why...
It's, you have it in religion,
you have it in society,
you have the...
Suddenly people
become judgemental.
Suddenly some people,
"I'm so clever
"that I can judge you."
Why?
You came to this world
screaming red, blue or whatever
in the face, having
absolutely nothing.
Let's face it.
It's a fucking disgrace.
(gentle music)
(train engine revving)
(gentle music)
I want to be me.
Yeah, I want to be me
(sirens wailing)
so badly.
(sirens wailing)
(Ashton chuckles)
- [Interviewer] A
little change happen?
(sirens wailing)
- Well.. the change, it
sounds like a disease.
Yeah.
- [Interviewer] What
about the change of mind?
You can say, "I change
my perspective."
- Well, I'm sitting
here with you.
So things are, something
is happening, isn't it?
I dunno what, and I'm not naive.
(Ashton chuckles)
I don't think, you know,
things fall from the sky.
But what is there
to lose for me?
I'm so, here I am
talking to you.
All your silly questions.
(gentle music)
- Being hungry, being
cold, being no...
Have no roof and stuff, and
being ignored from other people.
That's what I wanna change.
I don't know.
I have the feeling that it's
my responsibility to do that
because I see so many people
that ignore that situation
and I'm not able to ignore it.
So I think it's my
responsibility to show that.
(upbeat music)
- This is what people
are so crazy about.
You need to talk
about your past, yeah.
Oh yeah, your past.
Where are you from?
When did it go wrong?
When?
Huh?
(car engine revving)
I don't believe it.
I don't think it's interesting.
I think people are too
concerned with these things.
I think they're
completely obsessed
with the concept of where
they're from, where they belong.
You know, people,
the world goes mental
about this at the moment.
(upbeat music)
It is important to tell
the story, isn't it?
How did you end up like this?
Where did you come from, huh?
- [Interviewer]
You know the story
is always about having the
past and moving forward.
- Yeah, yeah, I know in
your book it is, isn't it?
In your book, yeah?
- [Interviewer] We
don't have a book.
- [Ashton] Oh, you
don't play okay.
- [Interviewer] We
don't have a book.
We just go by what you tell
us, you know what your--
(car engine revving)
- And then it's freezing.
It's, what would you expect?
How would you feel?
- [Interviewer] Well, to
be honest, I'm pretty glad
that I have a home.
- Why aren't you at home?
Why aren't you warm in
your living room, huh?
The bedroom, wrapped
up in your duvet, huh?
Why are you here?
- [Lisa] Even though
we were spending
quite a lot of time together,
I had problems talking about
how he spends his nights.
He said that he had
his naps on benches
and that he had a station
that he uses as a base
and that is under construction.
And he was very, very proud.
He never talked about
himself as homeless.
(upbeat music)
- Yeah, I mean, honestly,
there's one thing I regret
in regard to Lisa's exhibition.
I do regret that we didn't
manage to protect her better.
You know, I mean a lot of
crazy things were going on
long before we
even opened doors.
There was news about this
thing like going mad.
It was a wildfire.
It's time flash
your white teeth
It's time to let them stare
God knows what's
lying underneath
This fabric just won't tear
What a glamorous sight
Breaking through the night
All you see is waving hands
In the light
But I can't give you
what you came for
Just have a look round here
and see what's going on
And tell me who you
play this game for
You can go on all night
But soon I will
be gone, so long
You can go on all
night, but soon
I will be gone
I'll be gone I'll
be gone I'll be gone
- You know the fan group, the
hashtag, the charity thing.
There were songs streamed
all over the place, viral.
You know, millions of clicks.
Images, tweets.
Kind of the momentum
was incredible.
I decided to hire
a young film crew
to create some clips and
content to enable people
to follow her process.
And that slowly developed into
the idea of a documentary.
Same happened with
the music by the way.
The clips of Ashton Croyd's
performances became so popular.
It was natural to, you know,
to book him into a studio.
Have a backing band.
It must have been like
winning a lottery.
Go where your
feet will take you
You know it's getting late
Become what they
will make you
Knock knock knock
Here comes your fate
What a wonderful day
And I can hear them say
This must be the
perfect hide away
Aah
Yeah
But I can't give you
what you came for
Just have a look round here
And see what's going on
And tell me who you
play this game for
We can go on all night
But soon I will
be gone so long
We can go on all night
But soon I will be gone
I will be gone
I will be gone
I will be gone
I will be gone
- At first it's
important that the person
already has an aura, so
I can catch something.
And then I think
it's very important
to get in a relationship
with a person
that the person can trust me.
And yeah, the
important thing is that
the person doesn't
feel uncomfortable
or doesn't feel
naked in any way.
That he feels
occupied in my work
and that he feels good.
(upbeat music)
(suspenseful music)
- [Helena] So after a
month of charming him
and building up his trust,
Ashton signed a contract
with Lisa that gave
her the freedom
to follow him and take
photos as she pleased
for her exhibition.
(suspenseful music)
In return the
gallery would finance
the recording of Ashton's music.
I guess we will
never know if he knew
what he was signing up for.
Or if he cared about
the consequences
as long as he would be able
to finish his musical project.
This crossroad
wasn't on my map
So I suspected it
could be a trap
Made my choice
Couldn't tell
If it would lead to
heaven or to hell
Ooh I still remember
The songs in my head
When I walked the streets
Back then
Was it you was it
you all the time
Was it you was it
you all the time
Was it you
(upbeat music)
- When Lisa Jonrel became
kind of his manager,
Ashton Croyd grew a substantial
fan base, quite fast.
She basically used
him as a PR stunt
and people say that she
actually didn't want him
to get off the streets because
he was more easy to set.
(gentle music)
- I remember a press
release was forwarded to me
about a photographer
who single-handedly
would fight homelessness
with a camera.
I laughed at it and thought,
"Oh no another idealist
posing as Mother Theresa."
Until I read who was behind it.
(soft music)
Her first solo exhibition got
a ridiculous amount of press.
For a couple of weeks,
she was like a pop star
and no one seemed to
know what happened.
She was the new poster
girl for the art world
and what could then
be more provoking
than it all looking like she
was running a kind of charity.
She was that good a sales woman.
(soft music)
Lisa's social media
campaigns had a broader range
than I think she intended.
What started as a PR
for a solo exhibition
gave birth to a local
popular cultural icon.
(soft music)
First the photos.
And they worked
great on Instagram
and that's how his
career just exploded.
(soft music)
But then very soon
it was also his story
that the fans were interested in
and they wanted to save this
poor man living on the streets.
(gentle music)
I believe her
intentions probably were
to reach a more
intellectual art audience.
(gentle music)
His fan base was
soon named Croydsberg
after the group's
origin in Kreuzberg.
They were mostly millennials
that was probably looking
for a just cause to fight for.
And in principle, what
could be more just
than fighting for the people
we see suffering every day.
(gentle music)
[speaking in foreign language]
- We are always told that
we are what we deserve.
But that's all a lie.
And we are here
to stop the lies.
We will not stop until
every person on the streets
has been given help.
Has been given a house, a
permanent room and self respect.
[speaking in foreign language]
- Well actually from
my point of view,
Ashton Croyd isn't the first
one who needs to be saved.
He is a White male.
He comes from one of the
richest countries in the world
with a perfectly
well social system.
[speaking in foreign language]
- Reporters has put my
life under scrutiny.
24/7.
I mean this has been hyped up
and I... bless them.
I adore the Croydsberg,
but they are at the moment
not exactly what I need.
Because I have to live
up to some sort of ideal
that I'm not comfortable with
or can't live with.
(gentle music)
- They created the #makeroom.
And basically it was
about getting room
for everyone living
on the streets.
- I guess my only
real connection
might be that I'm walking
past homeless people
and people who are trying
and fighting for their lives
and basic needs every day,
that I'm walking
past them every day.
And if you live in a
big city like I do,
at some point you'll
start to unnotice it
and blend out the nasty
stuff from the ugly stuff.
'Cause you don't want to see it.
(gentle music)
[speaking in foreiagn language]
- I am not a good human being.
I am not a good human being.
I've hurt so many people.
(gentle music)
[speaking in foreign language]
(gentle music)
[speaking in foreign language]
(gentle music)
(birds chirping)
- The one thing I
cannot forgive myself
for is that..
I left a little girl behind.
- He really loved my mom.
You know, he really, really did.
(gentle music)
I don't know, kind of in
a way I always forgave him
for leaving because he
made my mom so very happy.
And I just, I loved
seeing her with him
because she laughed at
all of the stupid jokes,
even when they weren't
funny, she laughed.
He had this childhood
and this background
that wasn't the easiest and
I just would always blame
it all on that.
And..
he just, he brought
out the best in her
and that's what I
loved about him.
(gentle music)
And when she got really ill,
(gentle music)
we both just decided to
cry all our tears out
and just we sat there in our
living room and just cried.
(gentle music)
It's was so long.
(upbeat music)
Now everything's dark
And I know that that
is scary for you
But we'll keep on
watching while you sleep
And I may not be strong
And I may be scared
just like you
But I've seen it before
And I know what to do
In my own way
I will chase the shadows
In my own way
To keep them away from you
The sun will be up
To chase the
night away again
With laughters and fights
Of a new day
And I wish I could show
I wish I could
prove myself to you
So you could be safe
when darkness arrives
In my own way
In my own way
I will chase the shadows
In my own way
To keep them away from you
In my own way
I will fight the dragons
In my own way
To keep them away from you
You
Chase the shadows
Fight the dragons
Night and day for you
In my own way
In my own way
- When the funeral
came, I didn't have
and I didn't have any
tears left to cry.
So I was the one
comforting people and he...
That's why I'm not mad at him.
I just don't get it.
I mean, if you love a
person, how can you leave?
I just, I don't get it.
(gentle music)
- And that's where it all
goes wrong in my head.
Time and time again.
(soft music)
Everything looks bright.
(birds chirping)
(soft music)
- [Helena] I should have known
that he had lived a life too.
It had been almost
20 years after all.
But he never told me about this.
It was like my whole
world fell apart.
The makeover was
never to win me back.
It was for her.
I realized you don't get a
third chance in real life.
I'd become a sad,
conceited person.
(gentle music)
[speaking in foreiagn language]
- [Helena] When public opinions
started to go against Lisa,
she went on a crusade
to defend her actions.
As I was not able to
reach Ashton
for along period of time,
and as she would ignore
my calls and messages,
I went to the press
to express my concern.
I wasn't the only one.
[speaking in foreiagn language]
- [Helena] The Croydsberg
movement was starting
to divide itself
into two fractions.
On one hand, there
were the people
who were completely
loyal to Lisa
and on the other, a growing
group of concerned activists
and social workers.
[speaking in foreign language]
- Yeah people turned on Lisa
and it was really ugly to
follow the Croydsberg movement.
(gentle music)
They started to follow
her, they threatened her.
She had to move her
flat, move all her stuff
out of the studio.
She had to stay low.
(soft music)
- [Helena] The answer
to the question
of how he could survive on
the street for half a year
awaiting his music to
be released is simple.
The Berlin Press
called it der cocktail.
- I woke up one morning
and the first thing I saw
was a reporter asking me,
[Ashton, in German]
And they want to know
who's supplying this.
24/7 they trace me because
they want to find out
where these drop off points are.
So I have to move
in mysterious ways
to get away from all these
people trying to find out
where the drop off points are.
- [Helena] The cocktail was a
mix of substances and drinks
to keep him at bay.
They fed it to him secretly,
nobody could trace it.
- I mean, how can anyone
sponsor a life on the street?
How's that even possible?
[speaking in foreign language]
- [Helena] The
makeover as an idea
was starting to become a joke.
Lisa had gone into the
project wanting Ashton
to change from a homeless person
into a star in six months.
But everyone could see his
appearance deteriorating
day by day, giving
the opposite effect.
They got the timing wrong,
the momentum came too early.
The exhibition came too late.
(gentle music)
- I wanted Ashton
to release his music
as a part of the project.
I knew that was
important to him.
However, I couldn't
do everything alone.
And the people I worked
with made the conclusion
that his music was a bit
wrong for the project.
It was not the sound
of Berlin in 2018.
And we needed the
sound of Berlin in 2018
to follow my photos.
And there were also reports
that he was very difficult
to work with, that the
producer was really
struggling with him.
- [Helena] The producer
wanted to use bits and pieces
of his melodies and mix
them on top of industrial
dance grooves to portray
the grit and gloominess
of Berlin's underworld.
Yet finally being given
time to record his music.
But the producer had
left the session.
He could not work
with neither Ashton
nor his music, he claimed.
He had canceled the
first day of recording
due to the smell.
A smell you can expect from
my man living on the street
for half a year.
He was forced to wash before
coming back the next day.
- [Lisa] Remember, this
was my project, not his.
People missed that point.
Yes, I understand that his
song and his personality
made people take
him to their hearts.
But none of that would
happen without me.
Now people want to
give him all the credit
and that is just wrong.
This is my concept,
my story, my creation.
- [Helena] But at the 11th
hour, Lisa and the gallery
got their act together and
a physical makeover started.
They got the inspiration
from the heyday of Hollywood,
rainbow diet pills.
The cocktail changed from
alcohol to amphetamines.
(upbeat music)
We're drifted with the wind
Got lost along the way
And when a storm came up
We knew we couldn't be saved
Cause we were chasing
different things
Like people do
And there was
no time to think
No time to act
No time for me and you
I stay alone just
to hurt myself
I stay alone because I care
I stay alone
because sometimes
I know our love
will reappear
And you'll be there
Yeah, you'll be there
Well, I admit defeat
I honestly see where I fail
You seem to call the shots
And wanting me to
chase your tail
As I was pushing forward
You would lag behind
And there was no time to do
What we wanted to then
I stay alone just
to hurt myself
I stay alone because I can
I stay alone because in time
I know our love
will reappear
The sweetest love
that I've ever had
The brightest sky
I've ever seen
It all came crashing down
Somehow I wish the
gods will intervene
You know what I mean
(gentle music)
- So when you asked me
to do the interview,
I was happy to do so.
Most of all to defend Lisa.
And I will defend the
right to express yourself
in any given situation.
You know, freedom of speech
is at the core of my work.
And I will not let
criticism or cynicism
rule me or compromise my work
and compromise the artist
I choose to display.
- [Helena] Come
away, come away death
and in sad cypress,
let me be laid.
Fly away, fly away breath.
I'm slain by a fair cruel maid.
My shroud of white
stuck all with yew,
O, prepare it!
My part of death, no one so true
did share it.
Not a flower, not a flower sweet
on my black coffin
let there be strown.
Not a friend, not a friend
greet my poor corpse, where
my bones shall be thrown.
A thousand thousand
sighs to save,
Lay me, O, where
sad true lover
never find my grave,
to weep there.
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
This is goodbye
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
This is goodbye
Such a failure such a say
But there is no
wild beast to tame
I'm still me
Your liberator couldn't wait
But you'll regret
you took his bait
Cause you're not free
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
This is goodbye
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
This is goodbye
And please reach
out your hand to me
And make me understand
Come away come away death
And in sad cypress
let me be laid
Come away come away death
Fly away fly away breath
Just fly away
I am slain by a
fair cruel maid
Come away come away death
Come away come away death
And in sad cypress
let me be laid
Fly away fly away breathe
I am slain by a
fair cruel maid
My shroud of white
stuck all with yew
Come away come away
My part of death
no one so true
Come away come away death
This is goodbye
This is goodbye
This is goodbye
This is goodbye
This is goodbye
This is goodbye
Lay me O where
Sad true lover
never find my grave
To weep there
Goodbye goodbye
Goodbye goodbye
- I think some people don't get
that we're dealing
with a man here
who wanted to exit
his life with a bang.
You know, he wanted to
orchestrate his own exit.
What a coward act
in a way, you know,
leave everybody behind
just for a glimpse of fame.
- [Helena] He had only
a few days to record
the songs you've
heard in this film.
When Lisa and her people found
the development of the music,
not according to the artistic
vision of the project,
the session was cut short.
I came by on the last
day, he was alone
and in a good mood.
It seemed he was
in a good place.
Back in drama school,
Ashton had made some tunes
for the songs in
"Twelfth Night."
They didn't seem to be
something special at the time.
But now 20 years later,
hearing them again,
I realized that they had
been with me all along
as tunes from the past that
I couldn't quite place.
- [Radio Host] She's
back by popular demand.
Please give a big hand
to Helena von Hoff
doing her famous recital
from "Twelfth Night."
- [Helena] O mistress mind,
where are you roaming?
O stay and hear!
Your true-love's coming
that can sing both high and low;
Trip no further,
pretty sweeting,
journeys end in lover's meeting.
Every wise man's son doth know.
What is love?
'Tis not hereafter;
present mirth hath
present laughter;
What's to come is still unsure,
(soft music)
in delay their lies no plenty.
Then come kiss me,
Sweet and-twenty.
Youth's a stuff will not endure.
- [Ashton] Okay, thank you.
- [Woman] Welcome.
(gentle music)
In delay there
lies no plenty
Then come kiss me
sweet-and-twenty
Youth's a stuff
will not endure
Youth's a stuff
will not endure
Not endure
Not endure
- [Helena] Not endure.
(soft music)
The last goodbye in
London had such an impact
on the two of us.
I knew leaving him was
the correct thing to do,
but I already knew
then that it wasn't
the right thing to do.
It has been haunting
me ever since.
(soft music)
We went to court to
stop Lisa spreading
more her of lies and
self-promotion in
her documentary.
There was only one way
to win that battle,
through his music.
That's where his soul was.
She stole his face, his tragedy,
his future and his fate.
But she did not steal his music
because it wasn't
the sound of 2018.
(gentle music)
- The moment somebody
puts money on the table,
you have to deliver something.
Which may have made me do
things that I wouldn't have done
because I feel a
slight pressure.
Well the only change
for me is that people
have started treating
me differently.
Looking me into the eyes.
(gentle music)
You treat me differently too.
I don't know, you have
to ask yourself, why.
(soft music)
- [Helena] Some metro
systems have circle lines.
These lines used to intrigue me.
They go round and round and
round and lead you nowhere.
The longer you ride,
the less sense it makes.
(gentle music)
So, I've come full circle.
(gentle music)
And now I need to get off.
(gentle music)
Yeah I could feel the breeze
I saw the light
As I stood on the beach
A quiet summer night
I have this urge
to go to see
What's there
And bring it back some day
And keep it near
There's no better
life across the fjord
Don't ask me where I've been
Please just let me in
And I know you'll
understand me
I saw imaginary angels
Please forgive my sin
But the winds
Are so much colder now
And the waves
Splash against my face
I close my eyes to see
If it's still there
But there's no image left
I've found my place
There's no better
life across the fjord
Don't ask me where I've been
Please just let me in
And I know you'll
understand me
And so imaginary angels
Please forgive my sin
I say imaginary angels
Please forgive my sins
(gentle music)
- [Helena] My stars
shine darkly over me.
The malignancy of my fate
might perhaps distemper yours.
Therefore, I shall
crave of you your leave
that I may bear my evils alone.
It were a bad
recompense for your love
to lay any of them on you.
(gentle music)
Step by step by
I'm going down
Walking down the stairs
Going underground
I know where I
found my place
I'm cut off and I
can leave the race
Hey K
I've never felt
so close to you
As I do down here
Shall I jump on
Or jump off
Got the looks of a thief
And the eye of misbelief
But I dance like a queen
I've got a dog and a friend
Much the same
In the end at least the dog
Is kind of clean
There's a hole in my cup
So come on fill it up
Another day another night
Another fear I have to fight
With the hands of Chopin
And if you ask
It's a way to get by
My piano and I
And a bottle of wine
I've got a glass
and I've got ice
I've got cards
and I've got dice
But just ain't got no luck
Got a chair and a bed
Had a bird but it fled
The cage and I
We're stuck
There's a hole in my cup
Come and fill it up
Another day another night
Another fear I have to fight
With the hands of Chopin
And if you ask
Its a way to get by
My piano and I
And a bottle of wine
Got the voice of a priest
An incurable disease
I'm on top of my breed
There's a hole in my cup
Come and fill it up
Another day another night
Another fear I have to fight
With the hands of Chopin
And if you ask
It's a way to get by
My piano and I
And a bottle of wine
With the hands of Chopin
And if you ask
Its the way to get by
My piano and I
And a bottle of wine