The Party (1968) Movie Script
All right. Cut it.
All right. Hold it.
What is that idiot doin'?
What's that idiot doing?
- I just asked the same question.
- What's the answer?
I don't know.
I didn't tell him to...
Don't know?
Look, you're the director.
It was your idea to bring him
over here from India.
Now, you'd better start
telling him what to do...
or we're gonna be
out of business. Now, go ahead.
Come on.
- Charlie.
- Yeah?
You ready? Action!
Cut, damn it! Cut!
- Mr. Bakshi.
- Yes, sir.
Has it occurred to you...
that the period
of our picture is 1878?
Yes, indeed, sir.
I am well aware...
that that is the period
of the film. 1878.
Mr. Bakshi,
are you also aware...
that in 1878 they weren't
wearing underwater watches?
Yes, sir. I know that.
They had not even been invented.
You got the time?
Yes, it's... oh, my God.
All right.
Lunch everybody.
That's forty-two on the crew,
one hour for the cast.
OK, guys.
The cue for the demolition...
is when I lower my hand
like this, OK?
- Yes, sir.
- Guys, we got one shot at this.
Let's get it right.
OK, Kenny. Let's go.
All right. Places everybody.
Marty. Look, I just talked
to Clutterbuck on the phone.
He says if we don't wrap this
location today, it's your neck.
No problem. All we have left
is to blow up the fort.
OK. Great.
OK, Ken. Let's go.
All right. Carol. Earl.
All right. Stand by.
You.
Yes, you.
You get off of my set
and get out of my picture.
Off. Out. You're through.
You're washed up.
You're finished.
I'll see to it you never
make another movie again!
Does that include
television, sir?
I'll kill him!
Mr. Divot calling
from location on six.
All right.
Yeah, Charlie.
What?
The whole damn thing?
Well, how the hell could
a thing like that happen?
What's his name?
Spell it!
Hrundi V.
B-a-k-s-h-i.
I'll see to it he never
works again in this town.
Your wife called about
the guest list for the party.
Yeah, on the desk.
You know where to reach me.
I need an address
for Hrundi V. Bakshi.
B-a-k-s-h-i.
Hello.
Vodka or scotch, sir?
No. I...
I never touch it.
Thank you.
Twenty-week layoff
that you've never seen...
No, thank you.
Hors d'oeuvres, sir?
Well, I'm on a diet,
but the hell with it.
- Pool.
- Pool.
- Pool is water, no?
- No, billiards.
Says the father,
"Oh, my goodness.
"We got the wrong baby,"
and the father says...
"Shh. It's a better buggy."
I never heard that one before.
Oh, yes. You...
I missed the middle part,
but I can tell from the way...
that you are
enjoying yourselves...
it must have been
a very humorous anecdote...
because the way
you are laughing...
just shows how much
you enjoyed it.
I love a good laugh, don't you?
It makes the world go round.
It's good to have a laugh.
Wonderful.
Very good.
I shall remember that one.
They were bound and gagged
for six hours.
They took everything...
even the gold watch
my daddy'd left me.
They took the gold watch
that your father left you?
I'm sorry.
It is utterly fantastic.
What a wonderful thing
for anyone to do.
Take everything,
including the father's watch.
It's wonderful.
I tell you, tonight
is one big round of laughter.
All fun and laughter.
The congressman
was just telling us...
about the time he was robbed.
Who's the foreigner?
I don't know.
Someone my mixed-up wife
invited.
Oh, dear.
Hello, dog.
What do you want?
What do you want, eh?
You like my feet, do you?
Have your fill, and away you go.
Feet are considered a delicacy
among certain animals.
Go on, you've had enough now.
Off. Chow!
In fact, there are
certain man-eating animals...
who will eat only the feet,
leave everything else.
Would not touch one other thing.
Get away. Down, now.
Chow, dog.
Get away.
Get away from me, dog.
Vodka or scotch, sir?
Get away.
No, thank you.
Get away.
Oh, good evening, Mr. Divot.
How are you?
How are ya?
Smile, baby.
Good evening, General.
I'd like to have you meet
Miss Michele Monet.
Mr. Clutterbuck,
Mrs. Clutterbuck.
How are ya, Alice?
I'll introduce my guests,
if I may.
Here, Mrs. Dunphy.
I've heard some wonderful things
about you.
Well, sir, you seem to have
a wonderful party going here.
- How do you like it so far?
- Fine.
Have a drink. Go ahead.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello.
And good evening.
Good evening.
What a beautiful evening it is.
To be sure.
What's in there?
What, in here?
Oh, there is nothing in there.
Yes, there is.
I don't know.
I don't think so.
- Let's see now. No.
- Don't you see it?
No, there is definitely
nothing in there.
If there were something,
it's gone away now, anyway.
Well, I can see it.
What is it?
I don't know,
but I don't like it.
Pardon me, sir.
It's quite all right, fella.
I'm so sorry.
I beg your pardon.
Come on over here, honey.
We'll... try it over here.
Right here, on the corner.
This is an easy shot now.
First things first.
Get in the saddle.
Just like I taught you,
that's it.
No, I feel silly because...
Oh, no, hon,
you can do it this way.
I was here the other day.
Now, just relax, and you...
Just relax. Just...
Pay no attention to me, sir.
I am merely spectating.
Oh. Fine.
I can see that you are
an experienced player.
One of the best, feller.
Sir, excuse me.
What is the name of a game...
that has a multitude
of colored balls like that?
- Pool.
- Poo?
- What?
- Poo?
No, not poo. Pool.
- Pool!
- Pool.
- Oh, like swimming pool.
- You got it, honey.
I never heard of
a game called poo.
Fine game.
And so,
what is the object of it...
to disperse these colored balls
strategically around the table?
Get the balls in the holes.
All except for the white one.
Oh, that is the art?
The art is not
to have the white one in?
- Right.
- Good.
And how many people can play?
One, two, three, or what?
Oh, whole bunches,
or twos and threes.
With a group...
groups of people can play.
By yourself. Yes.
Thank goodness.
How wonderful.
Keep your eye
on the white ball...
Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me, sir, but...
you are, are you not...
Wyoming Bill Kelso,
the famous film star?
That's me, in the flesh.
Oh, God,
what a moment in my life.
Oh, sir, I've seen
every one of your films.
Oh, well, that's wonderful!
What a wonderful,
strong grip you've got.
Yes, I do.
My goodness, I would
have been disappointed...
if you hadn't crushed my hand.
Oh, listen.
Will you do me the honor...
to sign me an autograph?
Oh, sure. Here, hold this.
I'll be glad to.
I am also in the acting
profession, you know.
- Oh, you are?
- Yes, indeed.
I am not in your quality,
but I was around.
Well, what's your name?
Hrundi. H-r-u-n-d-i.
Wait till I tell them
at home that I met him.
They'll never believe me.
- Where you from?
- I am from India.
Got you covered, Injun!
How do you...
Bang! Howdy, pardner.
Well, I'm pretty quick
on the draw there, right?
Never I believe
in all my whole life...
I would meet him, and he
would go, "Bang, pardner!"
Listen to me.
"White man speak
with, uh, forked tongue!"
And look, mmm-mmm...
You old horned toad, buddy!
Cute little feller, isn't he?
I know all your sayings.
I know all of them.
Good. Hrundi, say hello...
The one where you walk along,
and then you go...
Hrundi, say hello
to Signorina here.
Hello, partner.
Piacere.
Bakshi.
- There you go.
- Oh, thank you.
This is a wonderful thing
you have done for me.
My pleasure.
Thank you, and I will...
thank you.
I would love to say
that it has been...
the greatest moment in my life.
Bang! Aha, got you!
I was quick on the draw.
You beat me that time, pal.
That's right.
- Goodness me.
- Lots of luck to you.
And the same to you, sir.
Howdy, pardner!
That was so groovy.
- That was a short dance.
- That's right.
And they don't go on
for long, do they?
- No, they don't.
- Yes, we just started, and...
Well, anyway,
thank you very much.
Thank you.
Perhaps we can
dance again later.
If your carnet du bal
is not full up.
Oh, I'd love to.
Thank you.
What is that ring
on your finger, chopped liver?
Hello, Polly.
Pretty one.
Hello.
Would you like...
Would you like
some food, Polly?
Pretty Polly.
Where is the... oh.
Birdie num num.
- Hello.
- Birdie num num.
Have birdie num num.
- Go on.
- There were four of us.
Four, yes.
I'll give you a num num.
He's having
the birdie num nums.
Sure, look.
He's waiting for more num num.
All gone.
Num num is gone.
Pretty Polly.
Num-num.
Birdie num-num.
What in the world is that?
I can't imagine.
Howdy, partner.
What is that?!
What is that?
Would you mind getting...
This is 469-6151.
Please remain connected
to the telephone.
There is a call for you, sir.
Please hold on
to the connection.
Please, one second.
I wonder if you could...
Let me hold here.
Could you just let my hand go?
You've got my hand.
Thank you.
Now I take this from you.
Hold on one moment.
Oh. Excuse the mess up here.
It is birdie num-nums.
Put them under my feet.
Look. Just one second.
If you can take this
around you...
Just lift the ashtray, please.
You're... you...
Yes. Thank you.
Oh, Benny.
Yeah, well,
I'm having a few people in.
The picture?
It was going fine until
some idiot blew up the set.
Vodka or scotch, sir?
No, nothing, thank you.
This picture's a very good one.
- Is it?
- It's gonna be great.
- Caviar?
- No, thank you.
- Sir?
- I don't think so. Thanks.
Eat, eh?
Oh, eat.
Sure, honey, we're gonna eat...
but they gotta ring
the little bell first.
Bell?
Bell. Dingy dingy.
Ding?
But first, let's have
a little tiddly at the bar.
- Hello.
- Oh, howdy, little buddy.
That's my old cowboy crusher.
Injun grip.
Oh, you really crushed
my old Indian hand.
Sorta smarts, don't it?
Friendliest little critter
I ever met.
It's an honor to have
had my hand crushed...
by Wyoming Bill Kelso.
Wait till I tell them back home.
Can't...
Pardon me.
It's OK.
Hello.
Hello.
Oh, it was occupied.
- Hrundi V. Bakshi.
- Pardon?
That is what my name is called.
Oh! Michele Monet.
Oh, how do you do?
Are you having a good time?
Good.
Are you having a good time?
Oh, yes.
I am having a good time.
It's good to be
having a good time.
You're an actress?
Oh, yes. I can tell.
Oh? How?
Because I am an actor.
Actors can tell when
actresses are actresses.
It is a thing
that we have together.
You are also French.
I know that.
- How do you know that?
- Well, your name...
and also the way you
are speaking English.
Oh, that's right.
Do you speak French?
Well, just enough
to get myself into trouble.
I'll tell you what I can say.
O est la direction
de la Tour Eiffel...
s'il vous plat?
- That's pretty good.
- Thanks.
- You do speak French.
- You speak Hindustani?
Well, you're not
missing anything.
Oh, dear.
I am here at the moment
taking part...
in Mr. General Clutterbuck's...
latest motion picture
extravaganza.
Oh, that's wonderful.
It is a main featured role...
and I am very glad
to have the opportunity...
to come here and do it.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
You are doing something
in a movie?
Working on a movie?
But next week I'm doing
a test for Mr. Divot.
Oh, Mr. Divot.
- What?
- Oh, listen, l...
OK, let's get to the bar.
- Mr. Divot, how do you do?
- Yeah, right, fella.
Good-bye.
Who is that guy?
A very nice man...
with a completely
unpronounceable name.
I know him from someplace.
Well, how are you, General?
Remember
Miss Michele Monet here?
Have you heard her sing yet?
We're giving her a test.
She sings like a bird...
a nightingale.
Fine. I'll look forward to that.
We're going over to the bar
to have a little nippy.
- Dinner is served.
- Good.
Dinner is served.
Alice, do you know
where Miss Monet is sitting?
Right around here, dear.
Excuse me for a minute,
sweetheart.
Dear.
I believe you're over there.
Right down there.
Here. Bakshi, right?
Oh, yes. Mr. Bakshi.
There's no chair.
Oh, Mrs. Clutterbuck,
everybody needs to move over.
Darling, would you mind
moving up just one?
Hey, fella! I believe
you've got my tiddly, there.
I'm sorry, darling.
You're gonna have to move back.
A mistake.
I'm awfully sorry.
Levinson, will you get
the gentleman a chair?
No, it was a mistake.
He's going to bring you a chair,
and then you'll be all right.
All right? Good.
My goodness! What happened
to your little face?
Nothing, except that it is...
somewhat nearer
to the table now.
My chair is lower
than your chair.
Do you like the strawberry soup?
Oh, strawberry soup.
I haven't had it lately.
Lovely in the summer,
don't you think?
Yes, it's... oh.
It's lovely right now.
Good. I'm so glad.
Hey, give me some of that,
will you, pal?
How's the chow?
It's excellent.
No wine, please.
Please, no wine.
I know you would
like me to have it...
but I don't want it.
All right. I don't drink.
I don't smoke. No wine.
Are you all right?
I'm so sorry.
Yes, I will be
perfectly all right.
I won't be in anybody's way.
Now, you're sure
you're comfortable?
Absolutely. I'm getting
out of the way here...
then the door won't bang me.
All right. Excuse me.
They should be finished
with the soup by now.
Get the plates.
Mrs. Clutterbuck...
shall I serve the salad?
Excuse me, what are you doing?!
Get in the kitchen.
That is just outside Bombay.
And Bombay is in India?
Oh, that is very much
in India, yes, indeed.
And that is indeed
the gateway to India.
When all...
I think that one
of these bearers...
does not like
the other one.
You have a very hard time
finding good help these days.
Yes, you certainly do.
Did you ever hear the one
about the trapeze artist...
who got divorced?
Caught his wife in the act.
That's terribly funny.
Yeah, it's been terribly funny
for about twenty years.
Please, no more drinking.
Gore, are you sure
it's all right?
It's not all right.
It's divine.
You are too kind.
If you want to keep
the women's vote...
you've got to start
with education.
That's where
you spend the most...
Oh, Mrs. Clutterbuck.
Please, can I take
this opportunity...
to apologize to you formally...
for what happened
at the dining room table.
Oh, my dear, just forget it.
It wasn't your fault.
Thank God.
What embarrassment.
Oh, I know.
It was that ridiculous
little chair they put you on.
It was awful,
but at the same time...
I feel that it is my
duty to say this to you.
I just think we should all
forget all about it.
Indeed, you are right...
but before that I would
also go to your husband...
and say to him that I'm sorry.
Oh, that's not necessary.
Really.
It's on my conscience.
Well, if you want to, go ahead.
- Thank you.
- All right.
It's a wonderful story.
General, excellent aroma.
Oh, I'm glad you like it.
I still have a few left over
from the pre-Castro days.
General Clutterbuck.
Sir.
Please, I would like
to formally apologize to you...
for any inconvenience
that I may have caused you...
or your guests
at the dining room table.
It's understandable.
I'm very sorry, and it
will never happen again...
should you wish to have me
on your list of guests...
on some other occasion.
It's all right.
When I saw what havoc
that I wrought...
my poor old knees went to water.
- God, what a state I was in.
- Yes, I can imagine.
But now that I have
apologized to you...
It's all right.
Spoken to your good lady,
and I've told her, sir...
that it is a terrible thing
to have happened...
and I'm sorry.
- Deep down inside.
- Enjoy yourself.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy.
Thank you for listening to me.
It's all right.
General, about this Wac.
I asked her to go out
with me one night.
A Wac?
She was a buck sergeant, too.
We were going down Manila Bay.
Brandy or crme de cocoa, sir?
Oh, beg your pardon.
It's all right.
It is occupied.
Speak Hindustani?
Oh, excuse me, please.
Hey, close the door, man.
Look, I told the General
you were gonna sing.
Well, I'd rather not
do it tonight.
Why not?
The orchestra is gone.
Well, there's a guitar.
You play the guitar?
All right, then you play
the guitar and you sing.
That's all, honey.
Hey, waiter, come over here.
Look, you're gonna be a smash.
Don't worry about a thing.
Come here.
See that guitar?
Go get it.
Get the guitar.
Nothing to lose
If we are wise
We're not expecting
rainbow-colored skies
Not right away
Nothing to lose,
it might be fun
No talk of spending
lifetimes in the sun
Although we may
Both you and I have seen
what time can do
We'll only hurt ourselves
If we build dreams
that don't come true
What can we lose?
We know the score
Let's wait before we talk
Of evermore
One day we may
Nothing to lose,
but much to gain
If love decides to stay
Both you and I have seen
what time can do
We'll only hurt ourselves
If we build dreams
that don't come true
What can we lose?
We know the score
Let's wait before we talk
Of evermore
One day we may
Nothing to lose,
but much to gain
If love decides to stay
Nothing to lose
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm
Well, how do you like her,
General?
- All right. Very good.
- How do you like her, Bernie?
She's great!
I think she's really great.
Hi.
All right, you win, partner.
I'm telling you, he loved you.
He thought you were terrific.
We talked about it after
you finished the number.
He was very impressed.
He thought you were
beautiful, you know?
So tomorrow will be
just a formality, the test.
We want to see what you
look like on film, that's all.
Trust me.
Will you just trust me?
Here, we can talk.
It's a little quieter in here.
Oh, Charlie,
this is the bedroom.
Oh, this is the bedroom.
Come on,
let's sit over there, baby.
- I wanna tell you something.
- Why don't we go downstairs?
Too much noise downstairs.
Let's just sit on the bed. Sit.
Look, why do you think
I brought you to the party?
Let's sit down. That's it.
That's a good girl.
It's what I brought you
to the party for.
Just one little kiss.
Don't do that.
Let's go. Charlie!
- Give me my gun.
- Thank you, partner.
Where you going?
Attention!
Oh, God.
Just forget it.
Knock it off and hit the sack!
Cookie!
Wait.
Who's in the head?
Help! Somebody!
Help, anybody!
Please, come and help me.
Somebody's in the pool.
Honey, what can I do for you?
- Hurry up, please. It's...
- Oh, hey, little buddy!
American aid, partner.
Great night for a dip.
You know that little fella...
just has a heap of talent
wherever he goes.
He's drowning?
Buddy, you drowning?
Great leapin' pollywogs,
that little gal can swim!
Get him, gal!
Grab him by the wigwam!
I'll wait right here for ya!
Come on, honey,
bring him over here.
Get ahold of him.
Get out of there.
Here we go.
Come on, little buddy.
Bartender, we've been fishin'.
Caught ourselves
a little Injun here.
Oh, God, he's gonna catch
a death of cold.
Oh, no, I don't drink.
Come on. Good, just a little.
There we go.
Right down the old hatch.
There you go, that'll
straighten you right out.
You'll feel better, huh?
- But I don't drink.
- You need a little more.
There you go, huh?
That straighten you out
all right?
How 'bout a little more?
No, I'm perfectly all right now.
All right, good.
Oh, up! Got him.
Looks like little buddy
went bye-bye.
Get ahold of him, Bill.
You got him?
Hang on, here we go!
Poor darling, I'm so sorry.
You stay there and, well,
I don't know what we can do.
But perhaps we can
at least dry it out for you.
Oh, dear, honestly.
Come in!
This tie looks like
a salamander's tongue...
that got stepped on.
Oh, hiya, honey.
Is he all right?
Oh, he's all right.
He's just a little wet.
You got some dry duds
we can put on him?
Oh, surely, yes.
I'll get something of Fred's.
I sure would appreciate that.
Here, darling, put this on him.
Oh, thank you
very much, ma'am.
I love the wet clothes!
Thank you for a marvelous party!
Let's go, buddy.
Fred, darling, I had
to loan him your terry.
He's soaking wet.
This is hers, not his.
Oh, and, darling, do hurry
because the Russians
will be here any minute!
The Russians?
The dancers, darling,
the ballet.
Come on, sidekick.
Now, what's...
Kelso, would you mind?
What are you doing up there?
- I am not doing anything.
- You're wetting the bed.
- I'm not wetting the bed.
- Yes, you are. It's wet.
My clothes are wetting the bed.
I am not wetting the bed.
This is the big chief here.
Oh, big chief speak
with forked tongue.
Try to get his clothes off.
I'll hold him, boss.
You get his pants down.
All right, come here.
Don't do that, no.
Come here, lovely man.
I love you!
I got something dry over here.
Listen, you take off...
Hey, he invited me.
We'll take off your clothes,
and you take off...
Have you got him?
Loosen his belt, Kelso.
I'm trying, sir.
For crying out loud,
let's get 'em off.
Get up off the floor.
I got him!
Come on there!
Oh, you naughty boy.
Now, here, put this on.
Put these on.
Wait!
Come on now.
Can you handle it?
- I have to go downstairs.
- All right. I'll handle it.
Partner, why do you want...
Little sidekick,
put these dry clothes on.
All right, I will put them on.
And then I'll...
Good idea.
I gotta get downstairs...
before Conchita cools off.
You come downstairs
with wet clothes on...
I'm gonna stomp you
and the horse you ride in on.
You got that?
Tongue buddy, partner buddy.
I'll see ya, little buddy.
Oh, you got me right
in the pantaloons, partner.
Adios!
Hold on, Conchita!
I'm comin'!
Adios, partner.
I do like these Americans.
They really are...
Hello.
Hello.
You're having some difficulty?
You sure?
Well. Excuse me.
You know that I don't think...
you're being
entirely honest with me?
We have a saying in India.
Well?
Well, what?
You were saying
something about a saying.
What is it?
"Wisdom...
"is the province of the aged...
"but the heart of a child
is pure."
That's very pretty.
I'm not sure I know
what it means.
Neither do I.
What does it have
to do with me?
Well, it has everything
to do with you.
For one thing, you see,
it stopped you crying.
It's true.
I feel better.
Thank you very much.
Don't thank me.
Thank my saying.
Thank you, saying.
Do you want to hear
another one of my sayings?
This is
a particularly good one...
because it will help you
always to remember...
how many days there are
in each month.
It goes like this:
"Thirty days hath September...
"October, June, and February.
"All the rest got twenty-nine...
"except my brother
who got six months."
Just what I thought.
I've been looking
all over for ya.
Go get your clothes,
we're gonna leave.
Oh, I don't think so.
Look, you came with me,
you're gonna leave with me.
Now get your clothes.
No.
Don't say no to me.
Now get your stuff.
- Go on!
- Mr. Divot, please...
Look, will you stay
out of this, buddy.
If Miss Monet wishes to remain,
that is her right.
Just who do you think you are?
In India, we don't
think who we are...
we know who we are.
You're meshugah!
I am not your sugar.
OK, look, baby, you decide.
You wanna come with me,
or you wanna stay with this guy?
I want to stay.
You're gonna stay with him, huh?
Nobody ever does this to me!
You hear that?
And forget about
that test tomorrow, baby.
You're finished in this business
before you even start!
You're wiped out!
You're finished!
That was a short career,
wasn't it?
Oh, don't worry about that.
I better find something
to put on and call a cab.
No, don't call a cab.
Stay at the party and after...
I'll take you home
in my three-wheeler Morgan.
No, that would be nice,
but I can't stay.
Why not?
I got myself into
a funny situation.
What, with old Divot?
Is that why you were crying?
Yes, but it's
not really his fault.
He's a terrible man.
Please, stay at the party.
Let's have a wonderful time.
I'd love to, really,
but I have nothing to wear.
That's no problem. They have
millions of clothes here.
And anyway... l've got an idea.
Who goes there?
Mr. Bakshi
and a damsel in distress.
What do you want?
You look like
a man of the world.
This poor lady is urgently
in need of some dry clothing.
And I perceive that you are both
approximately the same size.
Marvelous! Just marvelous!
Everyone, let's have a toast
for our wonderful friends.
Fred, we need to move the bar.
Oh, I know how to do that.
I'll do that for you.
Oh, no, I'd rather do it myself.
Fred, stop him.
Come on, it's fine.
Molly, are you sure
it's all right?
Yes, will you please come?
It's fine!
But your mother's
having a party.
Can you think of a better time
to shake 'em up?
You've done some pretty stupid
things in your life, but this...
Wow! What a house!
Hi.
- Hello, Mom.
- Oh, darling!
I thought you were
out protesting.
No, it's a love-in. I wanted you
to meet some of my friends.
I can't now, darling.
I've got all these wet Russians.
But I'll come back,
and I'll meet your friends.
Oh, there they are over there.
General, your wife
just fell in the pool.
Get her jewelry.
Molly, what was that?
An elephant.
An elephant?! Oh, my God!
Molly, how could you do this?
This is perfectly dreadful!
Well, I didn't mean
to offend you.
Now, listen here, young lady...
you get that elephant
out of this house!
Yes. Oh, Mother!
- Hello.
- Hello.
How are you?
I'm all right.
Is this your elephant?
Yeah. This is Jongo.
You've done a proper old
paint job on this, haven't you?
What's wrong with it?
You should be ashamed
of yourself.
- Why?
- This is a symbol of my country.
Don't you paint them in India?
Yes, but we don't
paint slogans all over them.
Look, he has got "the world
is flat" on his forehead...
"Socrates eats hemlock"
on the side...
and "go naked" all over his bum.
I'm terribly sorry.
We didn't mean
to be disrespectful.
I know, but it's humiliating.
They know, you know.
I mean, how would you
like it if an Indian person...
such as myself
came along and drew...
a mustache and a beard
on your Lady Bird.
It's the same thing, isn't it?
I'm awfully sorry.
What do you suggest we do?
- Get some water and wash it off.
- Wash it?
Wash it, scrub it, get it off.
Hey, gang!
We're gonna wash the elephant.
What do you mean
wash the elephant?
All right! That's it! Get out!
Wash it off!
Get it all off!
Bakshi!
I knew I knew that guy!
I knew it!
Hello?
Buggercult... l...
I wanna talk to the General.
This is C.S. Divot.
No! You cannot...
What's going on there?
Paint on the ear.
Do you believe that child of
mine bringing home an elephant?
- Dirty.
- Oh, really!
All right, that got it!
That's enough.
We take him outside now.
And wash all the soap off.
Oh, what do you suppose
that awful racket is?
- I'll be right back.
- Darling, I'm not finished.
I've got to see. God only knows
what's happening now.
Mom, what are you doing?
You and me gotta find
someplace to be alone.
Wells, save the paintings!
Oh, Mom, are you all right?
Get the paintings!
Don't stand there!
I should never, ever
in all my life...
Not that one, you idiot!
Just the good stuff.
Put it back.
We gotta get this
stuff out of here.
- Turn on the air conditioner.
- I'll never make it.
There's a control
in the master bedroom.
- Go get it on.
- Yes, sir.
Just a minute, sir.
Hey, look, I'm C.S. Divot,
the producer.
I'm a friend
of Mr. Clutterbuck's.
I gotta tell him something
right away.
Divot, C.S.?
That's right, buddy.
Thanks. Divot.
Hey, what's with
the ambulance here?
Honey, let's go stroll
in the straw, huh?
You're a little late, mac.
What the hell is
going on around here?
Do you believe it?
The party isn't over!
Hey, General!
I don't even know how
the hell it got started.
We gotta put something
in our report.
General, I gotta
tell you something.
It was crazy. You should've...
Alice, baby,
are you all right?
Do you feel better?
Oh, I'm fine! I'm going
to be in the aquacade.
That's nice.
Don't drop her.
Congressman, Mrs. Dunphy...
I don't know how to tell you...
It's quite all right.
Call me if there's
anything I can do.
Mr. Clutterbuck...
May I apologize to you
for the discomfort...
It's all right.
General, it's him!
- Who?
- Bakshi!
The idiot
who blew up the location!
General, you got the wrong guy!
Hey, little buddy,
hold on a minute.
Here's one of my old Stetsons.
Look at that. It just fits.
And here's an autographed
picture of me and my horse Fang.
This is where I live.
You have a beautiful home.
I would ask you to come up,
but it's a little late.
Or early. I don't know.
Anyway, I have to
get back to feed Apu.
- Apu?
- Yes, my monkey.
Oh. It's a lovely name.
For a monkey, anyway.
- He's used to it by now, anyway.
- Oh, good.
I would like to say that...
I enjoyed myself
very much last night.
I did, too, very much.
Especially I thought that
your song was very beautiful.
- You did?
- Yes.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
Oh, here's your hat.
Oh, look. You keep it.
But you may need it.
No, I'd like you to keep it.
All right.
If you think that you should
want it or need it sometimes...
Well, if I need it...
I could always come,
perhaps, and pick it up.
That would be very nice.
When would you be available
for me to pick up my hat?
Maybe next week.
I'll come and get it then.
For I'd love
to have my hat back.
Good-bye.
Bye-bye.
All right. Hold it.
What is that idiot doin'?
What's that idiot doing?
- I just asked the same question.
- What's the answer?
I don't know.
I didn't tell him to...
Don't know?
Look, you're the director.
It was your idea to bring him
over here from India.
Now, you'd better start
telling him what to do...
or we're gonna be
out of business. Now, go ahead.
Come on.
- Charlie.
- Yeah?
You ready? Action!
Cut, damn it! Cut!
- Mr. Bakshi.
- Yes, sir.
Has it occurred to you...
that the period
of our picture is 1878?
Yes, indeed, sir.
I am well aware...
that that is the period
of the film. 1878.
Mr. Bakshi,
are you also aware...
that in 1878 they weren't
wearing underwater watches?
Yes, sir. I know that.
They had not even been invented.
You got the time?
Yes, it's... oh, my God.
All right.
Lunch everybody.
That's forty-two on the crew,
one hour for the cast.
OK, guys.
The cue for the demolition...
is when I lower my hand
like this, OK?
- Yes, sir.
- Guys, we got one shot at this.
Let's get it right.
OK, Kenny. Let's go.
All right. Places everybody.
Marty. Look, I just talked
to Clutterbuck on the phone.
He says if we don't wrap this
location today, it's your neck.
No problem. All we have left
is to blow up the fort.
OK. Great.
OK, Ken. Let's go.
All right. Carol. Earl.
All right. Stand by.
You.
Yes, you.
You get off of my set
and get out of my picture.
Off. Out. You're through.
You're washed up.
You're finished.
I'll see to it you never
make another movie again!
Does that include
television, sir?
I'll kill him!
Mr. Divot calling
from location on six.
All right.
Yeah, Charlie.
What?
The whole damn thing?
Well, how the hell could
a thing like that happen?
What's his name?
Spell it!
Hrundi V.
B-a-k-s-h-i.
I'll see to it he never
works again in this town.
Your wife called about
the guest list for the party.
Yeah, on the desk.
You know where to reach me.
I need an address
for Hrundi V. Bakshi.
B-a-k-s-h-i.
Hello.
Vodka or scotch, sir?
No. I...
I never touch it.
Thank you.
Twenty-week layoff
that you've never seen...
No, thank you.
Hors d'oeuvres, sir?
Well, I'm on a diet,
but the hell with it.
- Pool.
- Pool.
- Pool is water, no?
- No, billiards.
Says the father,
"Oh, my goodness.
"We got the wrong baby,"
and the father says...
"Shh. It's a better buggy."
I never heard that one before.
Oh, yes. You...
I missed the middle part,
but I can tell from the way...
that you are
enjoying yourselves...
it must have been
a very humorous anecdote...
because the way
you are laughing...
just shows how much
you enjoyed it.
I love a good laugh, don't you?
It makes the world go round.
It's good to have a laugh.
Wonderful.
Very good.
I shall remember that one.
They were bound and gagged
for six hours.
They took everything...
even the gold watch
my daddy'd left me.
They took the gold watch
that your father left you?
I'm sorry.
It is utterly fantastic.
What a wonderful thing
for anyone to do.
Take everything,
including the father's watch.
It's wonderful.
I tell you, tonight
is one big round of laughter.
All fun and laughter.
The congressman
was just telling us...
about the time he was robbed.
Who's the foreigner?
I don't know.
Someone my mixed-up wife
invited.
Oh, dear.
Hello, dog.
What do you want?
What do you want, eh?
You like my feet, do you?
Have your fill, and away you go.
Feet are considered a delicacy
among certain animals.
Go on, you've had enough now.
Off. Chow!
In fact, there are
certain man-eating animals...
who will eat only the feet,
leave everything else.
Would not touch one other thing.
Get away. Down, now.
Chow, dog.
Get away.
Get away from me, dog.
Vodka or scotch, sir?
Get away.
No, thank you.
Get away.
Oh, good evening, Mr. Divot.
How are you?
How are ya?
Smile, baby.
Good evening, General.
I'd like to have you meet
Miss Michele Monet.
Mr. Clutterbuck,
Mrs. Clutterbuck.
How are ya, Alice?
I'll introduce my guests,
if I may.
Here, Mrs. Dunphy.
I've heard some wonderful things
about you.
Well, sir, you seem to have
a wonderful party going here.
- How do you like it so far?
- Fine.
Have a drink. Go ahead.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello.
And good evening.
Good evening.
What a beautiful evening it is.
To be sure.
What's in there?
What, in here?
Oh, there is nothing in there.
Yes, there is.
I don't know.
I don't think so.
- Let's see now. No.
- Don't you see it?
No, there is definitely
nothing in there.
If there were something,
it's gone away now, anyway.
Well, I can see it.
What is it?
I don't know,
but I don't like it.
Pardon me, sir.
It's quite all right, fella.
I'm so sorry.
I beg your pardon.
Come on over here, honey.
We'll... try it over here.
Right here, on the corner.
This is an easy shot now.
First things first.
Get in the saddle.
Just like I taught you,
that's it.
No, I feel silly because...
Oh, no, hon,
you can do it this way.
I was here the other day.
Now, just relax, and you...
Just relax. Just...
Pay no attention to me, sir.
I am merely spectating.
Oh. Fine.
I can see that you are
an experienced player.
One of the best, feller.
Sir, excuse me.
What is the name of a game...
that has a multitude
of colored balls like that?
- Pool.
- Poo?
- What?
- Poo?
No, not poo. Pool.
- Pool!
- Pool.
- Oh, like swimming pool.
- You got it, honey.
I never heard of
a game called poo.
Fine game.
And so,
what is the object of it...
to disperse these colored balls
strategically around the table?
Get the balls in the holes.
All except for the white one.
Oh, that is the art?
The art is not
to have the white one in?
- Right.
- Good.
And how many people can play?
One, two, three, or what?
Oh, whole bunches,
or twos and threes.
With a group...
groups of people can play.
By yourself. Yes.
Thank goodness.
How wonderful.
Keep your eye
on the white ball...
Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me, sir, but...
you are, are you not...
Wyoming Bill Kelso,
the famous film star?
That's me, in the flesh.
Oh, God,
what a moment in my life.
Oh, sir, I've seen
every one of your films.
Oh, well, that's wonderful!
What a wonderful,
strong grip you've got.
Yes, I do.
My goodness, I would
have been disappointed...
if you hadn't crushed my hand.
Oh, listen.
Will you do me the honor...
to sign me an autograph?
Oh, sure. Here, hold this.
I'll be glad to.
I am also in the acting
profession, you know.
- Oh, you are?
- Yes, indeed.
I am not in your quality,
but I was around.
Well, what's your name?
Hrundi. H-r-u-n-d-i.
Wait till I tell them
at home that I met him.
They'll never believe me.
- Where you from?
- I am from India.
Got you covered, Injun!
How do you...
Bang! Howdy, pardner.
Well, I'm pretty quick
on the draw there, right?
Never I believe
in all my whole life...
I would meet him, and he
would go, "Bang, pardner!"
Listen to me.
"White man speak
with, uh, forked tongue!"
And look, mmm-mmm...
You old horned toad, buddy!
Cute little feller, isn't he?
I know all your sayings.
I know all of them.
Good. Hrundi, say hello...
The one where you walk along,
and then you go...
Hrundi, say hello
to Signorina here.
Hello, partner.
Piacere.
Bakshi.
- There you go.
- Oh, thank you.
This is a wonderful thing
you have done for me.
My pleasure.
Thank you, and I will...
thank you.
I would love to say
that it has been...
the greatest moment in my life.
Bang! Aha, got you!
I was quick on the draw.
You beat me that time, pal.
That's right.
- Goodness me.
- Lots of luck to you.
And the same to you, sir.
Howdy, pardner!
That was so groovy.
- That was a short dance.
- That's right.
And they don't go on
for long, do they?
- No, they don't.
- Yes, we just started, and...
Well, anyway,
thank you very much.
Thank you.
Perhaps we can
dance again later.
If your carnet du bal
is not full up.
Oh, I'd love to.
Thank you.
What is that ring
on your finger, chopped liver?
Hello, Polly.
Pretty one.
Hello.
Would you like...
Would you like
some food, Polly?
Pretty Polly.
Where is the... oh.
Birdie num num.
- Hello.
- Birdie num num.
Have birdie num num.
- Go on.
- There were four of us.
Four, yes.
I'll give you a num num.
He's having
the birdie num nums.
Sure, look.
He's waiting for more num num.
All gone.
Num num is gone.
Pretty Polly.
Num-num.
Birdie num-num.
What in the world is that?
I can't imagine.
Howdy, partner.
What is that?!
What is that?
Would you mind getting...
This is 469-6151.
Please remain connected
to the telephone.
There is a call for you, sir.
Please hold on
to the connection.
Please, one second.
I wonder if you could...
Let me hold here.
Could you just let my hand go?
You've got my hand.
Thank you.
Now I take this from you.
Hold on one moment.
Oh. Excuse the mess up here.
It is birdie num-nums.
Put them under my feet.
Look. Just one second.
If you can take this
around you...
Just lift the ashtray, please.
You're... you...
Yes. Thank you.
Oh, Benny.
Yeah, well,
I'm having a few people in.
The picture?
It was going fine until
some idiot blew up the set.
Vodka or scotch, sir?
No, nothing, thank you.
This picture's a very good one.
- Is it?
- It's gonna be great.
- Caviar?
- No, thank you.
- Sir?
- I don't think so. Thanks.
Eat, eh?
Oh, eat.
Sure, honey, we're gonna eat...
but they gotta ring
the little bell first.
Bell?
Bell. Dingy dingy.
Ding?
But first, let's have
a little tiddly at the bar.
- Hello.
- Oh, howdy, little buddy.
That's my old cowboy crusher.
Injun grip.
Oh, you really crushed
my old Indian hand.
Sorta smarts, don't it?
Friendliest little critter
I ever met.
It's an honor to have
had my hand crushed...
by Wyoming Bill Kelso.
Wait till I tell them back home.
Can't...
Pardon me.
It's OK.
Hello.
Hello.
Oh, it was occupied.
- Hrundi V. Bakshi.
- Pardon?
That is what my name is called.
Oh! Michele Monet.
Oh, how do you do?
Are you having a good time?
Good.
Are you having a good time?
Oh, yes.
I am having a good time.
It's good to be
having a good time.
You're an actress?
Oh, yes. I can tell.
Oh? How?
Because I am an actor.
Actors can tell when
actresses are actresses.
It is a thing
that we have together.
You are also French.
I know that.
- How do you know that?
- Well, your name...
and also the way you
are speaking English.
Oh, that's right.
Do you speak French?
Well, just enough
to get myself into trouble.
I'll tell you what I can say.
O est la direction
de la Tour Eiffel...
s'il vous plat?
- That's pretty good.
- Thanks.
- You do speak French.
- You speak Hindustani?
Well, you're not
missing anything.
Oh, dear.
I am here at the moment
taking part...
in Mr. General Clutterbuck's...
latest motion picture
extravaganza.
Oh, that's wonderful.
It is a main featured role...
and I am very glad
to have the opportunity...
to come here and do it.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
You are doing something
in a movie?
Working on a movie?
But next week I'm doing
a test for Mr. Divot.
Oh, Mr. Divot.
- What?
- Oh, listen, l...
OK, let's get to the bar.
- Mr. Divot, how do you do?
- Yeah, right, fella.
Good-bye.
Who is that guy?
A very nice man...
with a completely
unpronounceable name.
I know him from someplace.
Well, how are you, General?
Remember
Miss Michele Monet here?
Have you heard her sing yet?
We're giving her a test.
She sings like a bird...
a nightingale.
Fine. I'll look forward to that.
We're going over to the bar
to have a little nippy.
- Dinner is served.
- Good.
Dinner is served.
Alice, do you know
where Miss Monet is sitting?
Right around here, dear.
Excuse me for a minute,
sweetheart.
Dear.
I believe you're over there.
Right down there.
Here. Bakshi, right?
Oh, yes. Mr. Bakshi.
There's no chair.
Oh, Mrs. Clutterbuck,
everybody needs to move over.
Darling, would you mind
moving up just one?
Hey, fella! I believe
you've got my tiddly, there.
I'm sorry, darling.
You're gonna have to move back.
A mistake.
I'm awfully sorry.
Levinson, will you get
the gentleman a chair?
No, it was a mistake.
He's going to bring you a chair,
and then you'll be all right.
All right? Good.
My goodness! What happened
to your little face?
Nothing, except that it is...
somewhat nearer
to the table now.
My chair is lower
than your chair.
Do you like the strawberry soup?
Oh, strawberry soup.
I haven't had it lately.
Lovely in the summer,
don't you think?
Yes, it's... oh.
It's lovely right now.
Good. I'm so glad.
Hey, give me some of that,
will you, pal?
How's the chow?
It's excellent.
No wine, please.
Please, no wine.
I know you would
like me to have it...
but I don't want it.
All right. I don't drink.
I don't smoke. No wine.
Are you all right?
I'm so sorry.
Yes, I will be
perfectly all right.
I won't be in anybody's way.
Now, you're sure
you're comfortable?
Absolutely. I'm getting
out of the way here...
then the door won't bang me.
All right. Excuse me.
They should be finished
with the soup by now.
Get the plates.
Mrs. Clutterbuck...
shall I serve the salad?
Excuse me, what are you doing?!
Get in the kitchen.
That is just outside Bombay.
And Bombay is in India?
Oh, that is very much
in India, yes, indeed.
And that is indeed
the gateway to India.
When all...
I think that one
of these bearers...
does not like
the other one.
You have a very hard time
finding good help these days.
Yes, you certainly do.
Did you ever hear the one
about the trapeze artist...
who got divorced?
Caught his wife in the act.
That's terribly funny.
Yeah, it's been terribly funny
for about twenty years.
Please, no more drinking.
Gore, are you sure
it's all right?
It's not all right.
It's divine.
You are too kind.
If you want to keep
the women's vote...
you've got to start
with education.
That's where
you spend the most...
Oh, Mrs. Clutterbuck.
Please, can I take
this opportunity...
to apologize to you formally...
for what happened
at the dining room table.
Oh, my dear, just forget it.
It wasn't your fault.
Thank God.
What embarrassment.
Oh, I know.
It was that ridiculous
little chair they put you on.
It was awful,
but at the same time...
I feel that it is my
duty to say this to you.
I just think we should all
forget all about it.
Indeed, you are right...
but before that I would
also go to your husband...
and say to him that I'm sorry.
Oh, that's not necessary.
Really.
It's on my conscience.
Well, if you want to, go ahead.
- Thank you.
- All right.
It's a wonderful story.
General, excellent aroma.
Oh, I'm glad you like it.
I still have a few left over
from the pre-Castro days.
General Clutterbuck.
Sir.
Please, I would like
to formally apologize to you...
for any inconvenience
that I may have caused you...
or your guests
at the dining room table.
It's understandable.
I'm very sorry, and it
will never happen again...
should you wish to have me
on your list of guests...
on some other occasion.
It's all right.
When I saw what havoc
that I wrought...
my poor old knees went to water.
- God, what a state I was in.
- Yes, I can imagine.
But now that I have
apologized to you...
It's all right.
Spoken to your good lady,
and I've told her, sir...
that it is a terrible thing
to have happened...
and I'm sorry.
- Deep down inside.
- Enjoy yourself.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy.
Thank you for listening to me.
It's all right.
General, about this Wac.
I asked her to go out
with me one night.
A Wac?
She was a buck sergeant, too.
We were going down Manila Bay.
Brandy or crme de cocoa, sir?
Oh, beg your pardon.
It's all right.
It is occupied.
Speak Hindustani?
Oh, excuse me, please.
Hey, close the door, man.
Look, I told the General
you were gonna sing.
Well, I'd rather not
do it tonight.
Why not?
The orchestra is gone.
Well, there's a guitar.
You play the guitar?
All right, then you play
the guitar and you sing.
That's all, honey.
Hey, waiter, come over here.
Look, you're gonna be a smash.
Don't worry about a thing.
Come here.
See that guitar?
Go get it.
Get the guitar.
Nothing to lose
If we are wise
We're not expecting
rainbow-colored skies
Not right away
Nothing to lose,
it might be fun
No talk of spending
lifetimes in the sun
Although we may
Both you and I have seen
what time can do
We'll only hurt ourselves
If we build dreams
that don't come true
What can we lose?
We know the score
Let's wait before we talk
Of evermore
One day we may
Nothing to lose,
but much to gain
If love decides to stay
Both you and I have seen
what time can do
We'll only hurt ourselves
If we build dreams
that don't come true
What can we lose?
We know the score
Let's wait before we talk
Of evermore
One day we may
Nothing to lose,
but much to gain
If love decides to stay
Nothing to lose
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm
Well, how do you like her,
General?
- All right. Very good.
- How do you like her, Bernie?
She's great!
I think she's really great.
Hi.
All right, you win, partner.
I'm telling you, he loved you.
He thought you were terrific.
We talked about it after
you finished the number.
He was very impressed.
He thought you were
beautiful, you know?
So tomorrow will be
just a formality, the test.
We want to see what you
look like on film, that's all.
Trust me.
Will you just trust me?
Here, we can talk.
It's a little quieter in here.
Oh, Charlie,
this is the bedroom.
Oh, this is the bedroom.
Come on,
let's sit over there, baby.
- I wanna tell you something.
- Why don't we go downstairs?
Too much noise downstairs.
Let's just sit on the bed. Sit.
Look, why do you think
I brought you to the party?
Let's sit down. That's it.
That's a good girl.
It's what I brought you
to the party for.
Just one little kiss.
Don't do that.
Let's go. Charlie!
- Give me my gun.
- Thank you, partner.
Where you going?
Attention!
Oh, God.
Just forget it.
Knock it off and hit the sack!
Cookie!
Wait.
Who's in the head?
Help! Somebody!
Help, anybody!
Please, come and help me.
Somebody's in the pool.
Honey, what can I do for you?
- Hurry up, please. It's...
- Oh, hey, little buddy!
American aid, partner.
Great night for a dip.
You know that little fella...
just has a heap of talent
wherever he goes.
He's drowning?
Buddy, you drowning?
Great leapin' pollywogs,
that little gal can swim!
Get him, gal!
Grab him by the wigwam!
I'll wait right here for ya!
Come on, honey,
bring him over here.
Get ahold of him.
Get out of there.
Here we go.
Come on, little buddy.
Bartender, we've been fishin'.
Caught ourselves
a little Injun here.
Oh, God, he's gonna catch
a death of cold.
Oh, no, I don't drink.
Come on. Good, just a little.
There we go.
Right down the old hatch.
There you go, that'll
straighten you right out.
You'll feel better, huh?
- But I don't drink.
- You need a little more.
There you go, huh?
That straighten you out
all right?
How 'bout a little more?
No, I'm perfectly all right now.
All right, good.
Oh, up! Got him.
Looks like little buddy
went bye-bye.
Get ahold of him, Bill.
You got him?
Hang on, here we go!
Poor darling, I'm so sorry.
You stay there and, well,
I don't know what we can do.
But perhaps we can
at least dry it out for you.
Oh, dear, honestly.
Come in!
This tie looks like
a salamander's tongue...
that got stepped on.
Oh, hiya, honey.
Is he all right?
Oh, he's all right.
He's just a little wet.
You got some dry duds
we can put on him?
Oh, surely, yes.
I'll get something of Fred's.
I sure would appreciate that.
Here, darling, put this on him.
Oh, thank you
very much, ma'am.
I love the wet clothes!
Thank you for a marvelous party!
Let's go, buddy.
Fred, darling, I had
to loan him your terry.
He's soaking wet.
This is hers, not his.
Oh, and, darling, do hurry
because the Russians
will be here any minute!
The Russians?
The dancers, darling,
the ballet.
Come on, sidekick.
Now, what's...
Kelso, would you mind?
What are you doing up there?
- I am not doing anything.
- You're wetting the bed.
- I'm not wetting the bed.
- Yes, you are. It's wet.
My clothes are wetting the bed.
I am not wetting the bed.
This is the big chief here.
Oh, big chief speak
with forked tongue.
Try to get his clothes off.
I'll hold him, boss.
You get his pants down.
All right, come here.
Don't do that, no.
Come here, lovely man.
I love you!
I got something dry over here.
Listen, you take off...
Hey, he invited me.
We'll take off your clothes,
and you take off...
Have you got him?
Loosen his belt, Kelso.
I'm trying, sir.
For crying out loud,
let's get 'em off.
Get up off the floor.
I got him!
Come on there!
Oh, you naughty boy.
Now, here, put this on.
Put these on.
Wait!
Come on now.
Can you handle it?
- I have to go downstairs.
- All right. I'll handle it.
Partner, why do you want...
Little sidekick,
put these dry clothes on.
All right, I will put them on.
And then I'll...
Good idea.
I gotta get downstairs...
before Conchita cools off.
You come downstairs
with wet clothes on...
I'm gonna stomp you
and the horse you ride in on.
You got that?
Tongue buddy, partner buddy.
I'll see ya, little buddy.
Oh, you got me right
in the pantaloons, partner.
Adios!
Hold on, Conchita!
I'm comin'!
Adios, partner.
I do like these Americans.
They really are...
Hello.
Hello.
You're having some difficulty?
You sure?
Well. Excuse me.
You know that I don't think...
you're being
entirely honest with me?
We have a saying in India.
Well?
Well, what?
You were saying
something about a saying.
What is it?
"Wisdom...
"is the province of the aged...
"but the heart of a child
is pure."
That's very pretty.
I'm not sure I know
what it means.
Neither do I.
What does it have
to do with me?
Well, it has everything
to do with you.
For one thing, you see,
it stopped you crying.
It's true.
I feel better.
Thank you very much.
Don't thank me.
Thank my saying.
Thank you, saying.
Do you want to hear
another one of my sayings?
This is
a particularly good one...
because it will help you
always to remember...
how many days there are
in each month.
It goes like this:
"Thirty days hath September...
"October, June, and February.
"All the rest got twenty-nine...
"except my brother
who got six months."
Just what I thought.
I've been looking
all over for ya.
Go get your clothes,
we're gonna leave.
Oh, I don't think so.
Look, you came with me,
you're gonna leave with me.
Now get your clothes.
No.
Don't say no to me.
Now get your stuff.
- Go on!
- Mr. Divot, please...
Look, will you stay
out of this, buddy.
If Miss Monet wishes to remain,
that is her right.
Just who do you think you are?
In India, we don't
think who we are...
we know who we are.
You're meshugah!
I am not your sugar.
OK, look, baby, you decide.
You wanna come with me,
or you wanna stay with this guy?
I want to stay.
You're gonna stay with him, huh?
Nobody ever does this to me!
You hear that?
And forget about
that test tomorrow, baby.
You're finished in this business
before you even start!
You're wiped out!
You're finished!
That was a short career,
wasn't it?
Oh, don't worry about that.
I better find something
to put on and call a cab.
No, don't call a cab.
Stay at the party and after...
I'll take you home
in my three-wheeler Morgan.
No, that would be nice,
but I can't stay.
Why not?
I got myself into
a funny situation.
What, with old Divot?
Is that why you were crying?
Yes, but it's
not really his fault.
He's a terrible man.
Please, stay at the party.
Let's have a wonderful time.
I'd love to, really,
but I have nothing to wear.
That's no problem. They have
millions of clothes here.
And anyway... l've got an idea.
Who goes there?
Mr. Bakshi
and a damsel in distress.
What do you want?
You look like
a man of the world.
This poor lady is urgently
in need of some dry clothing.
And I perceive that you are both
approximately the same size.
Marvelous! Just marvelous!
Everyone, let's have a toast
for our wonderful friends.
Fred, we need to move the bar.
Oh, I know how to do that.
I'll do that for you.
Oh, no, I'd rather do it myself.
Fred, stop him.
Come on, it's fine.
Molly, are you sure
it's all right?
Yes, will you please come?
It's fine!
But your mother's
having a party.
Can you think of a better time
to shake 'em up?
You've done some pretty stupid
things in your life, but this...
Wow! What a house!
Hi.
- Hello, Mom.
- Oh, darling!
I thought you were
out protesting.
No, it's a love-in. I wanted you
to meet some of my friends.
I can't now, darling.
I've got all these wet Russians.
But I'll come back,
and I'll meet your friends.
Oh, there they are over there.
General, your wife
just fell in the pool.
Get her jewelry.
Molly, what was that?
An elephant.
An elephant?! Oh, my God!
Molly, how could you do this?
This is perfectly dreadful!
Well, I didn't mean
to offend you.
Now, listen here, young lady...
you get that elephant
out of this house!
Yes. Oh, Mother!
- Hello.
- Hello.
How are you?
I'm all right.
Is this your elephant?
Yeah. This is Jongo.
You've done a proper old
paint job on this, haven't you?
What's wrong with it?
You should be ashamed
of yourself.
- Why?
- This is a symbol of my country.
Don't you paint them in India?
Yes, but we don't
paint slogans all over them.
Look, he has got "the world
is flat" on his forehead...
"Socrates eats hemlock"
on the side...
and "go naked" all over his bum.
I'm terribly sorry.
We didn't mean
to be disrespectful.
I know, but it's humiliating.
They know, you know.
I mean, how would you
like it if an Indian person...
such as myself
came along and drew...
a mustache and a beard
on your Lady Bird.
It's the same thing, isn't it?
I'm awfully sorry.
What do you suggest we do?
- Get some water and wash it off.
- Wash it?
Wash it, scrub it, get it off.
Hey, gang!
We're gonna wash the elephant.
What do you mean
wash the elephant?
All right! That's it! Get out!
Wash it off!
Get it all off!
Bakshi!
I knew I knew that guy!
I knew it!
Hello?
Buggercult... l...
I wanna talk to the General.
This is C.S. Divot.
No! You cannot...
What's going on there?
Paint on the ear.
Do you believe that child of
mine bringing home an elephant?
- Dirty.
- Oh, really!
All right, that got it!
That's enough.
We take him outside now.
And wash all the soap off.
Oh, what do you suppose
that awful racket is?
- I'll be right back.
- Darling, I'm not finished.
I've got to see. God only knows
what's happening now.
Mom, what are you doing?
You and me gotta find
someplace to be alone.
Wells, save the paintings!
Oh, Mom, are you all right?
Get the paintings!
Don't stand there!
I should never, ever
in all my life...
Not that one, you idiot!
Just the good stuff.
Put it back.
We gotta get this
stuff out of here.
- Turn on the air conditioner.
- I'll never make it.
There's a control
in the master bedroom.
- Go get it on.
- Yes, sir.
Just a minute, sir.
Hey, look, I'm C.S. Divot,
the producer.
I'm a friend
of Mr. Clutterbuck's.
I gotta tell him something
right away.
Divot, C.S.?
That's right, buddy.
Thanks. Divot.
Hey, what's with
the ambulance here?
Honey, let's go stroll
in the straw, huh?
You're a little late, mac.
What the hell is
going on around here?
Do you believe it?
The party isn't over!
Hey, General!
I don't even know how
the hell it got started.
We gotta put something
in our report.
General, I gotta
tell you something.
It was crazy. You should've...
Alice, baby,
are you all right?
Do you feel better?
Oh, I'm fine! I'm going
to be in the aquacade.
That's nice.
Don't drop her.
Congressman, Mrs. Dunphy...
I don't know how to tell you...
It's quite all right.
Call me if there's
anything I can do.
Mr. Clutterbuck...
May I apologize to you
for the discomfort...
It's all right.
General, it's him!
- Who?
- Bakshi!
The idiot
who blew up the location!
General, you got the wrong guy!
Hey, little buddy,
hold on a minute.
Here's one of my old Stetsons.
Look at that. It just fits.
And here's an autographed
picture of me and my horse Fang.
This is where I live.
You have a beautiful home.
I would ask you to come up,
but it's a little late.
Or early. I don't know.
Anyway, I have to
get back to feed Apu.
- Apu?
- Yes, my monkey.
Oh. It's a lovely name.
For a monkey, anyway.
- He's used to it by now, anyway.
- Oh, good.
I would like to say that...
I enjoyed myself
very much last night.
I did, too, very much.
Especially I thought that
your song was very beautiful.
- You did?
- Yes.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
Oh, here's your hat.
Oh, look. You keep it.
But you may need it.
No, I'd like you to keep it.
All right.
If you think that you should
want it or need it sometimes...
Well, if I need it...
I could always come,
perhaps, and pick it up.
That would be very nice.
When would you be available
for me to pick up my hat?
Maybe next week.
I'll come and get it then.
For I'd love
to have my hat back.
Good-bye.
Bye-bye.