The Perfect Date (2019) Movie Script

[music playing]
[man] Dear Office of Admissions,
my name is Brooks Rattigan,
but I don't just want you to know that,
I want the world to know that,
because I wanna change the world.
[alarm blaring]
Like my heroes before me,
Jobs, Jordan,
Musk, game changers.
World changers.
These are big lives,
glamorous lives.
My dad lived a pretty big life.
Now he...
doesn't.
You can't change the world alone.
Every Jobs needs a Watts,
every Jordan has a Pippen,
every Musk has...
Well, actually I think
Musk will probablyend up on Mars
by himself.
I've got Murph.
[chuckles]
The reviews are in.
-And?
-Someone wrote...
Oh, "This app made me poke my eyes out,
thanks for nothing."
But someone else wrote,
"Groovy app," so...
I guess it's net neutral.
-It's good that they're not all bad.
-True.
On to the next one.
[Brooks] Another crucial lesson I've
learned from my heroes and from Murph,
"Always be improving."
I invoke this lesson daily
in my current profession...
purveyor of the culinary arts.
[squirting sound]
Without vision, we succumb to the average,
and what I want is the extraordinary
and the support of
an extraordinary unive--
Okay. That's enough.
-But there's actually five more pages.
-That's plenty.
Okay.
So what do you think?
I think...
I think all the words were there.
You hate it.
I bare my soul on these pages
and you hate my soul.
You didn't bare your soul.
That's what I hate about it.
-Say more about that.
-You wanna change the world?
What about it?
The world needs changing
and I'm sure that you can agree with that.
Ugh!
You talk about creating
the next big thing. What thing?
And you wanna be a game-changer.
What is the game?
You're really going full-blown
Shark Tank on me,
and I have to say that I appreciate it.
-Yale's the goal, correct?
-Yes, more than anything in the world.
You have the grades.
Thank you for noticing.
They're not just looking for
good grades.
If you wanna stand out,
you're gonna have to rework your essay.
You're gonna have to look real deep inside
and ask yourself,
"Who is Brooks Rattigan?"
[music playing]
[bell ringing]
[man] Wanna take it for a spin,
Rattigan?
-Uh, yeah, sure.
-Yeah?
No. No!
I spend all my time
Waiting...
[honks horn]
What do you do?
I'm tired of tryin'
Gave up my life for you
But now we're through
I know there's no going back
From it, baby
You know where I wanna be...
[music ends abruptly]
Hey, he's home.
Good thing I got a second box here.
No, I thinkI'm just gonna grab something
from work.
Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. Don't go.
I feel like we don't talk anymore.
Really? I feel like
that's pretty much all we do.
You met with the counselor today, right?
How did that go?
It was good. She told me that
Yale's competitive. Did you know that?
I thought we agreed on UCONN?
Faculty scions only pay room and board.
Dad, I told you
not to worry about the money.
Okay, you're right.
Why am I worried about money?
College is free, right?
I'm gonna figure it out.
[sighs] I don't get it.
It's a great school.
UCONN is likethe girl down thestreet
who eats food in bed and smells like it.
-Patty Munchwrath?
-I love Patty, she's fantastic,
but she's not Yale.
Yale...
She is...
she's smart,
she's stylish, but not flashy.
She's cultured,
she speaks multiple languages,
probably knows how to sail.
You get accepted by her,
that means you're somebody special.
Murph, do you wanna write
my admissions essayfor me?
We could do it like a thought exercise.
I'm good, cos I'm writing mine,
because people write their own.
Give me some inspiration.
What's your core theme?
I'm writing about my struggles
with dyslexia,
and I'm writing it backwards.
That's genius.
-Do you wanna hear what I got?
-Mm.
"My name is Brooks Rattigan."
I like it.
It's raw.
Honest.
I don't know, man,
I think my life's interesting.
I just don't know how to
articulate it, you know?
Why don't you write about
your mom leaving?
-That's interesting.
-That's a really short essay, actually.
Dad got bucked off the publishing horse
instead of getting back on it,
and chasing after his cowgirl,
he decided that sitting in the mud
was good enough for him.
Yeah, but she left you too.
No, I think in truth she left this town,
and I can't hold that against her.
[chuckles]
Nothing is good enough for you.
I think I can respect that.
[man] My aunt and uncle keep begging me,
and it's like I'm not gonna say, "No."
You say, "No," because she's family
and dating your cousin is weird.
Dude, I'm not dating my cousin,
I'm escorting her to a semi-formal
like Greenwich Prep, that's it.
Plus my uncle is paying me too, so...
What up, Rattigan?
Italian sub on wheat, no tomatoes.
Italian sub for the Italian guy.
I'm Swedish.
No, yeah, I know,
just no self-respecting Italian
would turn his back on the tomato.
Word.
Anyway, I mean, dude,
it's like the worst timing ever too.
Like, Maddison's parents are gonna be gone
for the nightand we'd have
the house to ourselves.
Is your cousin hot?
I'll take her if she's hot.
I'll take your cousin.
-What?
-Yeah, what?
Yeah, what?
-I'll take your cousin to the dance.
-Oh, yeah, sandwich boy?
Yeah? You gonna be wearing
those plastic gloves too?
Cos my aunt would love that.
No, this is Greenwich,
so I would dress the part.
-Why? What would you get out of it?
-I get the payment you're talking about.
-And I get to take your car.
-[laughs]
No, you're not taking my car.
Come on, man, you're gonna tell me
that you really wanna give up the chance
of spending an entire nightall alone with
Maddison when her parents are out of town?
You got a suit?
[rock music playing]
Woo! I cannot believe he said yes,
Murph. This is incredible!
It's just a car.
You have no appreciation
for the finer things in life.
Speaking of things
I don't have appreciation for,
remind me again,
why you agreed to do this?
Because I need the money.
Who knows,
maybe stepping outside of myself,
becoming someone else for the night,
it might help me finish my essay.
And who are you gonna become?
Whatever she wants me to be,
which I'm pretty sure is
what every other girl wants me to be.
Some knight in shining armor,
some Prince Charming to open doors for her
and compliment her hair.
You're getting paid to take a girl
on a date.
So, did you know that Michelle Obama
got paid to go on a date with Barack
-and look how great that turned out.
-Is that true?
I don't know. I'm not a presidential
historian, but it could be true,
and that is my point.
[music continues playing]
[music stops]
[doorbell chimes]
-Hello, sir. Brooks Rattigan.
-Brooks Rattigan.
Reece told us all about you.
Just your name, but that's all I needed
to run the background check.
[man laughs]
No, I actually know
that you ran a background check.
-I found out when I ran one on you.
-[guffaws]
-Jerry Lieberman. Come in, Brooks.
-Sure.
Before you have a chance
to change your mind.
I'm kidding.
I like to joke about things.
-So, welcome to our humble abode.
-[young woman] This is stupid!
-As you can see, all original flooring.
-[young woman] Get out!
I swear, Jerry, the wrinkles
that girl has caused me
in places I didn't even know
could wrinkle.
Honey, our guest has arrived.
Hi.
Brooks Rattigan.
Lillian Lieberman.
She won't wear the shoes.
There are no "the shoes,"
there's just shoes. Is she wearing shoes?
[Jerry] It's a miracle
she agreed to do this.
Good evening.
-I am--
-Reece's bitch?
-Celia!
-Relax, he knows I'm kidding.
Right, slum?
Oh, sweetie, you look so beautiful.
I'm not wearing the shoes.
-But they go.
-Listen to yourself.
Well, I happen to think
that heels are an outmoded display of
female oppression.
Fine.
Thanks, Mom.
Let's do this, so we can stop doing this.
[Jerry] You kids have fun.
-Thanks for the assist back there.
-Yeah, no, just part of the job.
Reece let you use his car.
Man, he was really desperate
to get out of this, wasn't he?
No, he wanted to go with you. Hethought
we would have more fun together.
-Uh-huh.
-Here.
There you are.
Oh, that's cute,
but I can open my own doors.
Thanks.
[car door closes]
Okay.
Shall I put on some music?
[music starts]
Wow, you provide quite the service.
Don't tell me you've got
individually wrapped Mentos
and Tyler water bottles in your glove box.
Oh, my God, you do.
Fulfilling my fantasy of dating
my Lyft driver.
[GPS] In 500 feet, make a left.
No, you're gonna keep on the straight.
-The navigation said--
-No, don't listen to robots, listen to me.
[GPS] Recalculating.
In 200 feet, make a right.
You need to make a left here.
Okay, so now pull over,
and here we are.
This is not your high school.
Wouldn't it be weird if it was?
Okay, so you can swing back
and pick me up in a few hours.
You're telling me
that you would rather hang out at a...
caf book store
than go to a high school dance?
Yes.
Oh, my God. Yes.
Yes, I would.
-Celia.
-Gigolo.
-Brooks. My name's Brooks.
-Sure.
Look, you are my responsibility,
and I cannot let you out of this car.
Okay, let's define terms here.
I'm not your responsibility, because
Eisenhower isn't in office anymore.
Secondly, you're being paid
to hang out with me.
Imagine how that makes me feel.
Like, really, really imagine it.
Now do as I say.
Compensation aside, I think that youand I
could have a really good time tonight.
You've clearly never been
to my high school.
[sighs]
Fine.
Wow.
What?
Your hair looks really nice.
[rock music blaring]
-Wow, this is your cafeteria?
-Center for culinary participation.
Don't let the glossy sheen fool you,
the food still sucks.
I admire your ability to ruin moments.
You do it with panache.
[sighs]
Why is nobody dancing? What, is dancing
just a poor person thing now?
You think peopleactually
go to a dance to dance?
No, they come here to take photos
for their Instagram.
I'm sure that's why
people have babies too.
-Okay, let's go shred some hardwood.
-No.
-Yes.
-No, no, no.
-No.
-Yes!
["Better at Making Time"
by De Lux playing]
Okay.
What do you got going on over here?
I can't tell if you're doing Chandler Bing
or Napoleon Dynamite.
Definitely Bing.
It's a good choice.
[music transitions to a slow song]
No.
-Come on.
-No.
-Come on!
-No.
-Come on.
-No, no, no, no!
[sighs]
Bye.
-Oh! Ouch!
-Hey!
-Are you okay?
-Yeah.
You just made me twist my ankle,
you dipshit.
Sorry, I was kind of blinded
by an angelic light.
It's fine, whatever,
just now I'm on medical leave.
-Hey, come on, let me help you.
-Hey, do not touch me. Thank you.
[dance music playing]
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
Are you okay, Celia?
Uh, yeah, I'm fine.
But now I can't run the charity 5K
for canine diabetes this weekend.
Oh! Funny.
So, I'm having this intimate after-party
thing at my place. You guys should come.
Yeah, I mean, that's...
She's, you know, but rain check?
That's a shame.
-I'm Shelby, by the way.
-Brooks.
-Hi.
-Hi. [laughs goofily]
Okay.
Well, what do you say there,
Brooksie, my boyfriend,
my protector, my forever love,
shall we get the hell moving?
-Yeah. It was nice to meet you.
-Yeah, you too.
Bye.
[music playing]
[Celia] I mean, a baby in a gas mask?
Oh! Street art is a public disservice.
It's like streaking on a baseball field.
-Trashbug?
-Yeah.
I see his stuff everywhere.
I'm pretty sure his next piece is gonna be
the Mona Lisa, but with the fangs.
Trashbug, he's just some bored,
privileged white dude, I know it.
How you doing, temperature wise?
Are you comfortable?
You're a real professional.
-Like, is this your stock-in-trade?
-No.
It should be.
I'm telling you, you're really good at it.
Troubled rich girls in need of a
chaperone, it could be big business here.
You really think so?
No, I'm joking. But, wow,
you are super serious about it, huh?
Okay, you know I could...
I could provide a testimonial
for your website.
Celia Lieberman says,
"Brooks Rattigan stepped on my ankle,
but...
he got me ice."
Much appreciated, thank you.
[music continues playing]
Wait, hold on. Let me help you.
[horn honks]
You seriously do not have to do that.
Wait, come on. Hold on.
I insist. You shouldn't have to walk
to that door by yourself,
especially not with that ankle,
which has miraculously shifted
to the other leg.
Huh?
Miracles happen every day.
I had to break into the kitchen
to get you packs of ice.
-You're a sadist.
-One of my more likable qualities.
I cannot believe
that I missed Shelby's after-party
because of your dumb, fake ankle injury.
My fake ankle injury was not dumb.
My fake ankle injury was strategic
and adorable.
You should be thanking me.
You do not belong at Shelby's party.
Oh, really? Poor kid from Bridgeport
doesn't belong at a Greenwich after party?
Whoa, I didn't even need to try
to push that button.
We met, like, four hours ago, remember?
I don't know where you're from.
I meant you don't belong there,
because you seem normal.
Whoa. Phew.
The highest compliment one can receive.
Hey, you're back.
Disappear.
Ugh!
-So, how was the dance?
-It was good.
-Oh, thanks for asking.
-Right.
Your daughter is a very...
Do not try to define her, Brooks,
it will mess up your early 40s.
[Jerry giggling]
Well, there's still the matter of the...
The bounty.
Yes.
You know what, take all of it.
-Are you sure? That's a lot of money.
-Yeah.
You lasted three hours longer
than we predicted.
You earned every Benjamin.
[Reece] All right,
the exterior looks okay.
I mean, you got a couple of smudges
right here, but,
it's not too big of a deal.
I don't get it.
Reece, we go to the same school,
your parents aren't rich,
-how did you afford this thing?
-Hey, dude...
Dude, some questions
shouldn't be asked, okay?
-Yeah, my bad.
-I'm kidding, bro, I'm kidding.
Calm down.
Honestly, it's in the hustle.
It's all in the hustle.
[rock music playing]
[car door closes]
Come on, it is classic quid pro quo.
I get the app I need,
and the money I need to go to Yale,
and you get to practice your craft,
the art of coding.
-You haven't even been accepted yet.
-Yet.
Look, worst case scenario,
I take the money,
and I get ownership stake
in this here fine establishment.
I can finally live out
my eighth-choice dream
of a being a fast food restaurant owner.
What would you need exactly?
Okay, so I've been thinking and I think
that every date would be
custom built by the user,
meaning that they could pick
my personality, my interests,
whether I'm a listener or a talker,
if I'm funnyor serious.
Basically, I am a stand-in
for whatever it is that they want.
Their dream come true.
If it was successful,
that would look good
on my college application.
So does this mean that you're in?
Yes!
I love you so much, Murph.
Wait, what time, what time is it?
-Uh...
-Oh, tuna melt on seven grain!
Did you hear a ding?
I think the cheese delivery is here,
would you go check?
-I didn't hear a ding.
-No, I did, yeah.
-I definitely heard it. Go. Now.
-Why are you rushing me, man?
[door chimes]
Hi.
I'll take a tuna melt on seven grain,
please.
Of course you will.
Is it done?
Have you ever tried to program an app
on custom Objective-C infrastructure?
You're lucky I was able to salvage
some of this code from another project.
Is that it?
It is done.
[Brooks] The Stand-In.]
Murph, this is...
This is perfect.
Uh-huh. In terms of functionality,
think GrubHub,
but instead of ordering Pad Thai,
they'll be ordering you.
And check it out,I created a secondary
app that tracks your progress.
As you make more money,
your avatar gets closer to your goal.
I'm calling itMyTraxx.
MyTraxx.
There's little Brooks riding it in there,
he looks so innocent.
Yeah, but that's all in the past
because you're a hooker now.
-What? No, I'm not. I'm a--
-I guess that makes me your pimp.
-A high-tech pimp, but a pimp nonetheless.
-No.
I'm a gay teenage pimp,
wearing a secondhand hoodie.
My life as I envisioned it.
I am not gonna be sleeping--
Yeah, I know, because if you did,
we'd both go to jail,
which rhymes with Yale
and yet is so different,
but you have your new rich friends
to bail you out.
Okay, Murph, first of all,
I don't have any new friends.
Okay? And second of all,
I'm offering my services as a chaperone.
Whatever, man. What do we do now?
What one does
when bringing a new product to market?
Talk about it incessantly on Reddit,
until it sounds really important.
What is a Reddit?
-[chuckles] What's going on?
-Breakfast for two.
Why?
Because families eat breakfast together,
even really small ones.
Next year,when you're off to college,
I'll be a family of one,
so now we eat pancakes.
Pancakes.
-Thank you.
-Mm-hmm.
What is going on?
I haven't seen this look on your face
since Mom let you buy a motorcycle.
I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself.
I saw it in the mail this morning
and I just had to open it.
UCONN, you got in, full ride.
I know,you think you got in
because I teach there.
Dad, you teach a continued ed
night class, two Wednesdays a month.
I don't think
that had anything to do with...
Look, I'm sorry, I just...
I haven't worked my ass off
for the past three and a half years
to go to a public college, Dad.
Look, I gotta get to work.
I don't know how you managed it,
but you ruined pancakes.
That's impressive.
[zips up backpack]
[door closes]
[slow music playing]
Dear Office of Admissions,
My name is BrooksRattigan
of House Wreck.
[text message tone]
[message notification]
Murph, you Prince of Connecticut,
you King of Reddit.
[rock music playing]
And of course, the whole abstract
expressionist movement
really gained notoriety
from Jackson Pollock,
whose, you know,
influence is clearly present here.
Hmm.
I know the score
Like the back of my hand
[message notification]
I don't give a damn
They kiss on the ring
[beep]
I carry the crown
[grunts]
[scream]
Suck it, Bill and Claire!
[instructor talking]
[message tone]
So, sports, right?
Isn't it interesting how many there are?
And how some use balls and some... don't?
And pucks. There's pucks.
Okay, I'm terrible at this.
I should justnever go on a real date,
ever.
No, no, no, no, you're doing great.
I'm the man, come round
[message tone]
[beep]
You can't break me down
This is one small step for man.
Talk about what you want to talk about,
not what you think I want to talk about.
Yeah, okay, that makes sense.
So, what do you want to talk about?
Um, well, this morning I did see
a very large man walking a very tiny dog.
Oh, my God, I...
-I love it when that happens.
-Me too.
I always earn
-[message tone]
-[beep]
I got nothing to learn
'Cause baby, I'm gifted
[message tone]
[message tone]
I'm the man
[message tone]
[beep]
You can't break me down
[doorbell]
Howdy.
Hola.
Hey.
[beeping]
I'm the man
[coins clattering]
[cell phone ringing]
Brooks.
Look, I'm not good at apologies,
but I feel I owe you one,
because you're a gentleman
and pretty fun to be around.
You were just doing your job,
but you were pretty smug too,
so it shouldn't be a whole apology,
but a half apology,
so I'm half sorry, is that cool?
Yeah, I'm sorry, who's this?
Oh, Jeez, sorry, it's Celia.
So do you accept my half apology or not?
Well, you are half forgiven,
but fully admired for the effort.
Well, good,
because I'm in desperate need
of your services.
Oh, God, what's your mom making you go to
this time?
Is it a dbutante ball? Ice cream social?
Wait, let me guess.
Is it a horse auction?
Aha. No, yeah, that's pretty accurate.
No, there's this boy I like, Franklin.
Hold on, Celia,
you have a crush?
Is that so hard to believe?
Yes, it is. That's why you're hearing
disbelief in my tone.
Just because I'm a little weird,
doesn't make me less human,
in fact, it makes me more human.
So, there's this party
at Shelby's house tonight--
Yes. Oh, my God, yes.
-A hundred times, yes.
-Whoa, reel it in there, cowboy.
I mean...
I barely wanna go.
Yeah, so I'm thinking, listen,
we show up as a hot couple,
get Franklin a little jealous,
maybe you canstir up some attention
from Shelby.
So, pick me up at seven.
It's a date.
And Celia, next time
you requiremy services,
could you use my app?
Oh, my God, you didn't?
Oh, but I did.
[dance music playing]
[laughs] Okay, this is way more than
a mints and tiny bottles of water.
This is a full-on bespoke
concierge service.
Yes, ma'am.
Okay, so what's the weirdest
Brooks Rattigan you've been thus far?
I had a date the other night, where
I had to just sit on this girl's couch
and listen to her talk for four hours
straight,
and all I was allowed to say was,
"Yes, I agree,"
and "There's no other way to see it."
-My God, that is the perfect date.
-There's no other way to see it.
Hey, thank you.
Son, a couple of things.
The shifter sticks a little bit,
and the passenger window doesn't close
all the way, so watch out for that.
And there's a spring in the seat cushion,
so do not lean all the way back.
Wow. What, does Bruce Wayne live here?
You know, Shelby's dad's basically Batman,
if Bruce Wayne was
a sleazy hedge fund manager
with a questionable sense of finance law.
[dance music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Excuse me.
You guys made it.
Hey.
-Uh, your place is amazing.
-Oh, thank you.
It really makes me reconsider the allure
of livingin a three-room house
with a view of Target.
Oh, he's kidding, obviously.
Brooks is from Darien.
Oh, my God, I love it there.
It's just so beautiful,
it makes this neighborhood
look like a shanty town.
Could you excuse me for one moment?
It seems the family dog escaped his room.
Don't go anywhere.
I wouldn't want to get lost.
-Dad.
-What?
I'm in trouble.
Darien? Really?
Hey, this is Shelby Pace we're trying
to impress here.
Either go big or go home, son.
Oh, my God, that's Franklin.
Abort, let's go.
This is the whole reason that we're here.
I know, but I just didn't expect
to see him so soon,
I thought I'd have some time to,
I don't know, like clutch my bearings.
Relax. Okay, which one is he?
-Is he the guy in the yellow shirt?
-Yes, stop being so obvious.
-He's cute.
-Stop it.
Pretend to have a conversation with me.
[she mouths]
We could also have a real conversation,
that might be way less weird.
Fine, whatever, you start.
Um...
Where are you planning
on going to college?
Uh, University of Michigan.
Wait, you're not going Ivy League?
Isn't that, like, your birthright?
Please, you see this?
Uh-huh.
This is the precise number of shits I give
about the Ivy League.
Well, I give many more shits than that.
You know, if you wantto go talk to him,
you should just go talk to him.
I know, I'm working up to it.
-This is ridiculous, come on.
-Stop it.
You're making it worse by making a scene.
-You are such a brute.
-It's one of my more likable qualities.
Have you seen this collection?
She is a music fiend,
always going on and on about bands.
Bands that I've never heard of,
so you know they're cool, right?
Not in like a mainstream way cool,
more like a subversive.
Tell him.
I like music and records.
Me too. I mean, vinyl
is the only pure delivery method, right?
Yeah, I'm always saying that.
Music should only be listenedto
on melted and then pressed vinyl discs.
There are kids our age, they've never even
heard a vinyl record before.
[Celia] They don't know
what they're missing,
or worse,
they do.
You know your girlfriend is overthere
talking to Franklin Volley?
Everything is so compressedon digital,
it's like drinking a frozen OJ
instead of a fresh-squeezed OJ.
Yeah, it's okay, we trust each other.
I'm not really the jealous type.
-How refreshing.
-Well, I aim to refresh.
-You're funny.
-Me?
Most guys I know don't realize
they can be both rich and funny.
Well, you can, I'm obviously living proof.
Hey.
They have a separate freezer
for ice cream.
I was alone in the kitchen
and started to applaud.
-Mm.
-So, we have Boom Chocolotta
and plain old vanilla.
Oh, thank you.
-Really?
-Yo.
Don't knock vanilla, okay? It's a...
It seems a little boring, I give you that,
but there's a lot of nuance flavors
hiding inside.
-Hm.
-Mm.
Kind of like you.
-Wow, so I'm vanilla.
-Yeah.
Somehow you always manage to compliment
and insult me at the same time.
It's a hereditary gift, on my mom's side.
Where's Franklin?
Oh, he's somewhere.
I don't really wanna see that much of him.
-What?
-Before our date.
What? Franklin asked you out?
That's great.
No, actually, I asked him out,
because I am the master of my universe,
and yeah, it's pretty great.
Oh, separate but related, it gives us
a pretty good reason for our breakup.
-I see your game, you meet someone new.
-Hit it and quit it, baby.
Okay, there's this huge birthday party
that's supposed to happen in a few weeks,
and everyone's gonna be there,
including your girl,Shelby.
Just the breakup has to be public,
like very public.
Can you imagine if I date Shelby
and get into Yale?
I mean, that would be it,
that would be my dream come true.
Oh, God, I feel bad for you.
You're just relying on external factors
for your happiness,
waiting for people to accept you
instead of accepting yourself.
I mean, what could go wrong?
Isn't that exactly
what you're doing with Franklin?
-You're just jealous.
-Of what?
Um, my connection with Franklin.
It's more cerebral.
Please.
Like you're not at all interested in him
'cause he's hot.
Whoa, his brain is hot, okay?
I can just picture his gorgeous
frontal lobe.
-Gross.
-Yeah, that was unintentionally gross.
Fine, I like him because of his brains
and, you know,
the beautiful facethat's attached to it.
There you go,
so we're both shallow teenagers.
It would appear so.
-You're really sweet.
-Yeah.
-Can I have some of that, please?
-Whoa! No! No way.
[laughs] So, I might be able to help.
My dad knows the president.
-Of what country?
-Of Yale.
Um, they've been playing poker,
like forever,
and I guess my dad's beenlosing to him
for ten years,
in case I ever wanted to go.
So, the fact I don't wanna go
is kind of a sore point.
I don't get it,
rich people all know each other.
-I don't even know who my barber is.
-Okay, do you want my help or not?
Yes. A hundred times, yes.
Well, no promises,
but I can check with him.
What? Are you serious? Wow.
Thank you. All I got for you is wow.
Well, I'm a woman of much wow.
Hey, man,
I'll give you 50 bucks for your car.
[giggles]
-Oh, you think that's funny?
-Yeah, I do.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Whoa.
What's with the get-up?
Uh, I figured if I'm going to Yale,
I'd better start stepping it up.
Hey, what's going on
with all the late nights lately?
Uh, you know, the usual teenage stuff,
school projects, dances, 24-hour raves.
Hm. Atta boy.
Do you think you could clean up one day?
I mean, it's starting to look a little...
condemned in here.
I'm gonna get to it.
I could help you, if you want.
I think I do.
And actually, you have helped.
I submitted a collection
of my short stories of this fellowship,
because you were
so terribly and vividly mean to me.
So, thank you for being a supportive
asshole.
Anytime.
-Good night, Pops.
-Good night, buddy.
[sighs]
Hey, look, little Brooks is almost
a third of the way to his goal.
If I keep getting business like this, I'm
gonna be at little Yaleby the summertime.
That's great, man. Really.
What is that? What...
You seem distant.
Well, I guess I am.
We just usuallyhave stuff to talk about,
because we spend time together,
or we used to.
So, distance is making us distant,
which makes sense to me.
Huh.
But it's fine, really. We're gonnagrow
apart when we go to college,
so we might as well
get the process started now.
Okay, well,
how about this?
I'm totally
booked out tonight and tomorrow,
but I am completely free on Saturday
and I will make sure it stays that way,
if you promise to go to Tino's with me.
Count me in.
Oh, hey, can we hit that new
zombie-themed escape room afterwards?
Yes, I am in.
All right.
Hello again.
-Hey, I'll take a--
-Tuna melt on seven grain.
Yeah.
-Uh, thanks.
-Murph is my given name.
Oh, I guess I gotta give you this.
I just remembered that
this is when you usually come by.
-Yeah.
-We get paid a dollar above minimum wage,
so we're encouraged
to provide top service.
Uh, well, thanks,Murph.
-What?
-You were blushing.
Who is that? Huh?
Hey, yo, I work at White Castle, okay?
You know what that means,
I see some of the finest bitches
in the world every damn day,
and, Pops, I gotta tell you
with the utmost respect,
your daughter,
she's got to be one of the finest bitches
I have ever seen in my entire life,
and I've been to the Westminster Dog Show,
okay? All right.
[cell phone vibrating]
[grunting]
I have to take the browns
to the Super Bowl,
and by that I mean
I gotta take a hot deuce, right?
Daddy-o, where the bathroom at?
It's down the hall on the left.
Ooph.
I love you, baby.
Hey, Celia.
What's up, Vanilla? What are you up to?
I'm getting paid to be a douche
to a girl's parents,
so that they're more acceptingof her real
boyfriend when they actually meet him.
Um, parents have it hard.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Like early afternoonish?
What, for my best customer?
I'm totally free. Why, what's up?
I may have got you an interview
with theDean
of Undergraduate Admissions at Yale.
Oh, my God, Celia,
I don't know what to say.
Well, why don't you try?
Celia Lieberman, you make flowers blossom.
You are the reasontrees have leaves.
You are a goddess.
Aw! That is absolutely correct.
-What time should I pick you up?
-You shouldn't.
This is your day, but it's my rules,
so I'm gonna pick you up at one.
I'll text you my address.
Bye.
[cell phone hangs up]
[toilet flushes]
[classical music playing]
[grunts]
Woo hoo! Yo, man, that number two
turned to a number five real quick.
Where the plunger at?
[door closes]
What? I'm trying to look smart.
Do I look too smart?
It looks like someone
took a J. Crew store,
put it in a cannon
and shot it at your face.
Thank you, so much.
I mean, what do I do?
I don't understand clothes.
They're completely irrelevant
yet somehow important.
Lose the glasses.
Go on, give it to me.
Okay, that's better.
Do you need the cardigan?
I'm gonna answer that. Youdon't need it.
-I like the cardigan.
-No one likes it.
-Intellectual people wear cardigans.
-You do not look intellectual.
For the love of God, come on.
Oh, you know, what you do need though,
you need a mani.
That is a fight for another day,
my friend.
Wow, who would have thought that
Celia Lieberman could be so comforting?
It's like underneath all these layers
of angst and sarcasm,
there might actually be a human being.
Oh.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
[music playing]
I live my own life
Tie me to the tracks
I let my best friend tell me
You can never go back
I spent my long years
Learning to get out of the way
Follow the path to
Lead me to the light
But when your load gets heavy
Maybe call it a night
Roll it around and
take it from the bottom again
Hey, relax.
All you gotta do is be yourself.
I mean, not this annoying,
anxious version,
the better version.
I have been an astronaut, a cowboy
and a douche, all in the past three days,
so I don't know which version of myself
I'm supposed to be right now.
Brooks Rattigan.
Dean's ready for you now.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-[Celia] Hey.
-Yeah?
You're gonna kill it.
You know,
unless you don't.
Mr. Rattigan, a pleasure to meet you.
-Take a seat.
-Yes, sure.
So, tell me about yourself.
Yeah, I'd love to.
What says more abouta person
than numbers, right?
So, the first time I took the SA I got a 1510,
and that was because I butchered
the math section, but
I knuckled down,
and I put work over parties,
and I managed to bump it up to a 1570
on my second time around.
That's too bad.
I'm sorry?
Well, that you missed out on parties.
Parties are fun.
It's important to enjoy life,
especially at your age.
With respect, it's not exactly the message
that we get from our parents and teachers.
I grant you that, yeah.
Well...
Mr. Rattigan, academically speaking, you
seem like the perfect candidate for Yale.
Thank you, sir.
Coming from you that means a lot.
But I want to know
a little something about you.
Tell mesomething about yourself,
activities, hobbies.
Sure, well I'm in French Club,
I'm a National Honors Society, and--
No.
No, I don't mean the things that you do,
because you think they look good
on an application.
What are some of your interests
outside of school?
Outside of school?
Example, I had a kid in here yesterday,
right there,
and he breeds trash-eatingmicrobes
in his spare time.
It's fascinating stuff.
I don't... breed trash-eating microbes.
I don't really breed microbes at all,
but I do have hobbies,
and interests. I mean, so many of those.
There is this thing,
but I think you'll find it stupid.
No, what? What is it?
Well lately, I've been getting into
honey bees.
I don't...
I'm sorry,
did you just say, "Honey bees?"
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm a bit of an amateur beekeeper.
-I know, it sounds silly.
-No, it doesn't sound silly at all, to me.
I'm a bit of an apiarist myself.
-No kidding.
-Yes.
Wow, what a small world.
Tell me, what's your bee of choice?
I used to be all about the Russian bees,
but then I found that their swarminess
tended to be a little too--
Unpredictable.
Unpredictable, that's right.
So, now I'm a Buckfast man all the way.
-They have so much more foraging zeal.
-Yes.
Uh, and, you know, don't get me started
on their resistance to tracheal mites.
Huh.
Tracheal mites.
As soon as you get that application done,
you bring it into me personally, okay?
-Not my secretary.
-I will, sir.
-Sir, call me Delbert, please.
-Okay.
And when you come by,
don't forget to bring a jar of your honey.
As long as you bring a jar of your honey,
we can have ourselves a little honey swap.
Honey swap. [chuckling]
I love it.
It was a pleasure meeting you,
Mr. Rattigan, truly.
The pleasure was mine, Delbert.
Thank you so much for setting this up. It
went betterthan I could have imagined it.
Well, happy to help. Just...
just one little tiny question.
Why exactly are you guys swapping honey?
What, is that unusual?
I can't believe you.
What? I did some research
before my interview, okay?
Hold on a second. What is the difference
between me spouting a few beekeeping facts
and any of the Stand-In dates
that I've been on? Huh?
You know that I'm not an art historian
or a douche, right?
No, actually I don't know that,
and this is completely different.
Those girls paid you to lie to them,
and this time you did it all on your own.
Look, it is hustle, baby, pure hustle.
Oh, God, please don't ever say that again.
It did sound a little bit better
coming out of Reece's mouth.
Wait, Reece? My cousin, Reece?
What does he know about hustle?
It's how he got his BMW.
Brooks, Reece got his car
because his dad startedhaving an affair
with his sister's JV tennis coach,
and his mom found out about it,
so she starts sleeping with the dude
who owns a bunch of BMW dealerships,
hence the BMW.
-What, so no hustle?
-No.
You're telling me
that Reece gota brand new BMW i8,
because
his parents are shitty people?
Yeah. So, maybe you should rethink
who your role models are.
-What about Shelby and Franklin?
-What about Shelby and Franklin?
You don't know the first thing about
vinyl, and I am certainly not from Darien.
Okay? These are the lies that both of us
made up to get what we want.
Hmm.
Storming off, fantastic. That'swhat
people who're right and not hypocrites do.
Speak more words and I'll hurt you.
[music playing from car radio]
[sighs]
-Maybe you're right.
-About which thing? There were a couple.
Maybe I am a hypocrite, okay?
My parents say that I stomp around
in my boots looking tough...
to push people away,
because
I'm too scared to show people
who I really am.
Oh, God, if anyone actually heard me
saying this.
-Yeah, you know what I mean.
-You're gonna be fine, okay?
You are Celia Lieberman.
And being weird and confidentare not
mutually exclusive elements to life.
You happen to be a master of both of them.
-Do you really mean that?
-Yes.
-Thanks.
-You are welcome.
So, I can Brooks' house
from across the street,
and sitting beside the outgoing mailbox,
there's this big flimsy cardboard box,
with like 20 postage stamps stuck to it
and just one word written across the top,
Idaho.
So, the mailman picks it up,
and immediately the box gives out,
and little six-year-old Brooks
slips out the bottom,
and hits the pavement like, "Bam!"
I'm hiding across the street
watching it all, like...
-Just laughing my ass off.
-Okay, wait, so what did you do?
I mean the only thing that I could do is
"Good afternoon, Mr. Postman,"
and I grabbedmy backpack
and went back inside my house.
I can't believe you tried
to mail yourself to Idaho.
-Thanks, Brooks.
-Thank you so much. I got this.
-Thank you.
-Yeah, of course.
-Nice guy.
-Fancy man.
[Celia laughs]
Okay, so of all places, why Idaho?
It's where his mom lives.
Yeah, she's married
to some rich pediatrician
or rich plastic surgeon,
rich pediatric plastic surgeon.
And they have two kids together
and every year they send Brooks
and his dad a Christmas card
with a picture of her whole new family.
You know, which to me,
seems totally screwed up.
[Brooks] See you, Tino!
[Murph] Tino!
[cell phone vibrating]
-Was that tuna melt on seven grain?
-If only.
-Uh? Tuna melt on seven grain?
-It's nothing.
Murph here has a little crush
on one of the Sub shop regulars.
We don't know his name,
so we call him by his order.
He hasn't been in the shop for a week.
I think I scared him off
by pre-making his sandwich.
Aw, you pre-made his sandwich?
-That is adorable.
-Listen, you're gonna be fine.
He'll show up, and if not,
who cares, right?
You are going to find the right sandwich
one day, my friend.
That is the lamest thing you've ever said.
-Yeah, but you're laughing, aren't you?
-Get away from me, get away.
I'm glad someone's getting
something out of my dating life.
Yeah.
All right, Godspeed
to you on your date tonight.
Are you ready to
get some zombies?
I am.
But you seem unenthusiastic.
No, man. I got a request
while we were eating.
Take it.
What? Are you serious?
Really.
All right, thank you.
You're a really good friend.
Hey, good to meet you.
Yeah, you too.
[sentimental music playing]
-It was what?
-It was, it was
[dance music playing]
-[Brooks] Your insurance must be so high.
-[Celia] Yeah.
[both laughing]
[Celia] You know what?
Does the master have any advice for me,
for my big date?
Yeah, I do actually.
-Good.
-Don't dance.
-That is so offensive. Get out of my car.
-I was just trying to help you.
You know, today was horrible
until it wasn't.
I agree.
Do me a favor, would you have fun tonight?
Seriously, you're gonna dazzle him.
Unless you don't.
Get out of my car.
-I will drive off.
-Okay.
-Right now.
-I'm out. Have a good night.
[Franklin] The truth about coffee,
it's all in the grind.
It has to be precise or the water,
it seeps through the filter too quickly,
and you end up with a weak-ass brew.
Wow, you know a lot about coffee.
Pour Over is an art form.
It's not like that overly processed
swill you've got.
I don't know,
I kind of like my overly processed swill.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to insult you.
I ramble when I'm nervous.
Wait, did you just say you're nervous?
-Of course I am.
-Why?
I don't know if this is a date or not,
because you have a boyfriend.
Oh, Brooks is not...
Um, he is my boyfriend,
and we are dating hard.
We're dating hard,
but, you know, we have, um,
one of those advanced modern
relationships.
We don't belong to anyone.
I watched this Nat Geo doc
about dung beetles,
how they find their mates by analyzing the
movements of a prospective mate's wings,
and if they move in the same specific way,
they know they found their mate.
Watching you and Brooks,
you move the same,
like a couple of adorable dung beetles.
Well,
we're not shit-eating beetles, though.
We're actually gonna be breaking up
very soon. In fact, very soon.
-Okay.
-Um-hmm.
So, I'm encouraged.
-Oh, hi.
-Hey.
So, you're into vinyl,
and you're obviously very passionate
about coffee.
What else are you into?
I'm passionate about a lot of things,
most of all, my art.
That's cool, I like art.
-What's your medium?
-The street.
No.
Actually, you may have seen some
of my stuff, like, around town.
What?
-Oh.
-[whispering] I'm--
Don't say it.
I'm Trashbug.
You said it.
You said who you are.
-Are you familiar with my work?
-Uh-huh.
Okay, you know how I did like
a baby in a gas mask,
and I did like an old man in gas mask.
Oh, yeah.
Right now, I'm working on something
that is going to blow those away.
A cat in a gas mask.
It's a commentary on itselfand on
Dr. Seuss. I mean, cats don't wear hats.
That is
a very creative idea.
Dude,
Saturday night was insane. I just can't
tell if it was in a good or bad way.
You think high school parties are crazy,
they have got nothing on office parties.
I saw a drunk guy snort a line
of printer toner.
Thanks again for letting me off the hook.
Wow, what a great image of our friendship.
I'm a fisherman,
reeling you in against your will
to your death.
That's not how I meant it.
How was your night?
I was alone, so I got paired with
this group of drunk Germans.
They didn't speak a word of English,
so I wasn't included in anyof the puzzle
solving, and to top if all off,
a zombie,
it got me in like the first ten minutes.
-The zombie actually bit you?
-No.
One of the Germans did.
It's not funny, sorry, just...
[chuckling] It is a little funny.
It's funny, if you think it's funny too.
But only if you...
-It's funny. Come on.
-I gotta go to class.
Murph.
Murph.
[cell phone ringing]
-Hey.
-No, you do not talk, I do the talking.
Excuse me?
I trusted you,
Celia, and you chewed up that trust
and you spit it in my face.
-Okay, what the hell is going on?
-I'm practicing for the big show.
-Come on, did you forget?
-Oh, yeah, our breakup.
So, I'm thinking that Shelby and Franklin
need to be there when it happens,
so when we go off on our own,
they're gonna wanna console us.
Oh, shit, I almost forgot to ask you,
how did your date go?
Well,
it was the...
start of something great.
I, for one,
am super happy for you.
I am also happy for me
too.
-Yay.
-Okay.
Dope, see ya.
Yeah, I'll see you later.
[sad music playing]
I don't know.
You don't know what?
It doesn't really feel like me.
You look incredible.
You hold my hand
And tell me it's fine
It's getting rough
But we're still alive
You hold me close
Your hair against mine
-Hi.
-Hi.
-All set?
-Yeah.
Dressed to kill.
Nice.
You know, to kill our fake love.
Good, that's good.
Tight dress.
-High heels.
-Cool.
A live python around my neck.
Sorry, I'm just trying to figure out
what I'm gonna say tonight.
You're writing a breakup script?
Not a breakup script,
more like breakup bullet points.
Oh, wow.
Celia, you look great.
Thanks.
Where's the snake?
Ha.
-What's the plan?
-Right.
Um, so I was thinking
you're gonna go in first.
You walk around, mingle a bit,
do your thing.
Then, at exactly eight o'clock, you
strike up a conversation with Franklin.
It'll play better if it seems
like I'm catching you in the act.
You can put a gas mask on anything
and have a real impact on people,
like Thomas Jefferson, Mr. Rogers,
the Pope.
Huh?
The Pope.
That is brilliant.
I gotta jot that down.
You know that story about the guy
who has to push a boulder up a hill?
Every time it gets to the top
it rolls back down
and he has to startall over again.
That's what talking to you is like.
Thank you.
So, you're saying I'm like Sisyphus?
[Brooks] Oh, my God!
You have a lot of nerve
showing up here with him!
Okay.
[clears throat]
-What are you talking about?
-You know exactly what I'm talking about.
-I heard about your little date.
-It was just coffee.
Please, to quote the great
George Costanza, "Coffee is not coffee,"
coffee is sex.
Coffee is better than sex.
Especially from the rare Kopi Luwak bean.
You think you're so much better than me,
Celia?
Better than everyone here,
but I know the truth.
You're nothing but a hypocrite.
A fake.
-Hold on a second.
-So you stomp around in those boots,
and you act so tough,
but that's all it is.
-It's just an act.
-Brooks, please don't do this.
A defense mechanism,
see it's a poor attempt
at pushing people away.
You're afraid that if somebody
got too close to you,
they might actually find out the truth.
That Celia Lieberman,
she's boring.
You wanna push me away?
Go ahead, cos we're through, baby.
We are done, we are--
[crowd gasps]
How's that for a defense mechanism?
God, I hate these shoes.
Celia.
Celia! My dung beetle.
[Shelby] Brooks.
-Hey, are you good?
-Yeah, I'm fine.
Uh, physically I'm fine,
but emotionally I'm...
a wreck.
I hate to admit it,
but I kind of saw this one coming.
I mean, those two were being
really chummy at my party.
Yeah, well I can be oblivious sometimes.
Thank you for rubbing that in.
-So, here's a question.
-Yes, whatever it is, yes.
[laughter]
Will you go to formal with me?
I mean, do I have to speakorcan you
read my alarming fast heart rate? Yes.
Hold on, you guys have another formal?
How many does your school have?
As many that are needed
to fund the new stables.
Murph, you will never believewhat
happened to me. Shelby kissed me.
Oh, dude, congrats.
I always knew you could do it.
-Who's Shelby?
-Toby, why are you here? Where's Murph?
-We switched shifts.
-Why? Is he sick?
I don't think so,
because it wasn't just for today.
It was for like the rest of the year.
-Did he say why?
-No.
Oh, yeah, you know what,
he did say that you were a selfish prick
and that you only think about yourself.
You don't think that has anything
to do with him switching shifts,do you?
[woman] I guess you think
this is pretty pathetic...
going for a walk with some old lady.
No, I feel like I actually needed this.
My granddaughter set this up.
I don't know the first thing about apps,
unless it's the Bloomin' Onion
at Outback Steakhouse.
-Now that's a good app.
-Mm-hm.
My husband and I did this every day
for the past 20 years.
-He passed away in June.
-I'm so sorry to hear that.
Oliver.
That was his name.
He was ugly assin.
His face was weird.
He had the rightsized face
on the wrong sized head.
Ol' smushy face,
that's what I called him.
That's real nice.
I didn't care what he looked like.
He made me laugh,
and I liked being around him.
You want to know how you can tell
if you're meant to be with someone?
-Please.
-It's simple.
Just sit and have a conversation.
Some people when you talk to them,
it's like trying to listen to
classical music
on a radio with no antenna.
You can push that dial back and forth
all you want,
but you only get static.
But when you're meant to be
with someone,
and they truly are the one,
you just sit,
start talking,
and a Beethoven sonata
will begin to play.
[text message tone]
You haven't mentioned the formal, Cel.
It's tomorrow night.
Do you get a cut of the ticket sales
or something?
-You are going, right?
-I am actually.
-With whom?
-Nobody.
I'm going whom-less.
What about Brooks?
I thought you guys were hanging out,
to use the parlance of your time.
Dad, no. I don't want to go with anybody.
Not Brooks Rattigan, not Franklin Volley,
nobody.
-Okay?
-Honey, listen--
No, Mom, can you listen?
I have the rest of my life to get hung up
on relationships and dating,
and "Is he really into me?",
and "What does this text mean?"
-And all that bullshit.
-Celia.
Why is high schoolthe time of your life
that you're expected to be good
at everything?
I just wanna be whatever I am.
And I'm proud of that.
I just wanted you to have a better
high school experience than I had.
Here we go.
-Group hug.
-No, that's good.
-Group hug.
-Please.
-Yep.
-Oh, do we have to? Stop.
[car door creaking]
Okay.
[doorbell]
Wow.
You look incredible.
Thanks.
It only took three stylists,
two hairdressers, one makeup artist,
Bioslimming active wrap,
two hours of pilates,
and like 12 pounds of moisturizer
to look this way.
Wow. I took a shower.
Hold on, wait, chivalry is not dead.
-All right.
-Thank you.
You're welcome.
What's that smell?
[classical music playing]
[Brooks squeaks]
We ordered our tuna crudo,
like, ten minutes ago.
Yeah, it was a while ago.
So, Shelby, do you have any plans
for after high school?
I don't know, it's tough.
I don't, like, have my whole life
planned out or anything.
-Yeah, nobody does.
-Exactly.
So, in the fall,
I'll be going to Columbia,
where I'll major in applied economics
in management
with a concentration in finance,
and of course, I'll intern at my father's
hedge fund over the summers.
Then, it's off to Harvard Business School,
where I'll get my MBA.
I'll graduate, get some seed money
and then open up
my own private equity firm, but...
after that,
it's all kind of up in the air.
You really have to get
your shit together, huh?
Right, yeah.
Yeah.
How about you?
-Me?
-Yeah.
Well, I'm applying to Yale,
and then I'll...
Well, I've been obsessing over just
applying for so long, thatI haven't even
thought about what I would do if I got in.
-Seriously?
-Yeah.
Yeah, but I'm 18.
I got time to figure out who I am
and what I want to do.
You know what I mean?
No.
[dance music playing]
Here you go. Have a nice night.
-Oh, no.
-What?
It's your ex.
Is this gonna be weird for you?
I mean, I personally don't care at all,
but maybe you should?
No, it's fine.
Wow, she's a really bad dancer.
Yeah, she's the worst.
So, you wanna go get a table or... ?
-Yeah, sure.
-[woman] Brooks?
It is you.
Leah, hi. What are you doing here?
I go here.
Look, I just really wanted to thank you,
you really helped me out a lot.
If I hadn't used your services,
I wouldn't have been able
to get with Larry, here.
-Hi, I'm Larry.
-It's nice to meet you, Larry.
-Do you want to get that table?
-Uh...
Wait, what do you mean,
you used his services?
-This table right here.
-His Stand-In app, Brooks for hire.
Isn't that what you're doing, Shelby?
Am I... am Ipaying somebody
to go out with me?
God, no. Gross.
-Brooks?
-Yeah?
What the hell is going on here?
I have a side...
business, where I go on dates with girls.
Why?
Wait.
You're not like a male prostitute
or anything, right?
Like, what is it?
A male gigolo?
Well, all gigolos are males,
but not all males are gigolos.
Gee...
No, it's clean and innocent.
I swear, it's...
I do it because I need the money.
Shelby, I'm not rich. I'm not from Darien.
I'm just some poor kid from Bridgeport,
who wanted to impress you.
I mean, look at you, you are smart,
and strong and beautiful,
and you are way too good for me.
You're right.
I am too good for you,
and not because
I have more money than you,
it's because I'm not a liar.
If you come to me close
We'll cut the cable to outside
It's taken years to love her
But lately I've been close
Hi.
Hey.
Where is your date?
She is elsewhere.
I told her everything.
Where's Franklin?
Oh, you know, he's somewhere.
Probably making sure no-one ever wants
to be an artist again.
-You guys didn't work out?
-No.
No, we didn't.
You know, he's not really my type.
Turns out I'm more into oblivious,
self-absorbed pricks, you know.
Right.
Well, then,
would you like to dance?
No.
No, I wouldn't.
Why not?
Because I'm not your backup.
[sport on TV]
[door opens]
You're home early.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tonight didn't really go quite
as I thought it would.
I'm sorry, kid.
-You wanna lay it on me?
-[switches TV off]
I've been a stand-in.
I see.
And what do those two words mean
in this context?
Well, I started a dating service app.
-What?
-Yeah.
I was the date,
the stand-in.
I've raised quite the entrepreneur, huh?
I mean, it was more just really...
school dances, and um...
art show openings. I went to a rodeo.
Oh, yeah, the cowboy outfit.
-You saw that?
-Sure did, pardner.
Damn, Brooks, you did all that
just to raise money for Yale?
I'd have sold a non-vital organ,
if I'd known it meant that much to you.
There's a reason God gave ustwo kidneys.
That spare kidney is just a rainy day
cash cow, sitting there.
It wasn't really just for the money.
I went out on all these dates
and pretended to be whatever it was
that these girls wanted me to be,
because, I don't know, I thought that...
I thought that maybe I would find out
who I am, and Miss Track...
quite cruelly pointed out that
I have absolutely no idea who I am.
Anyway, it didn't work.
Yeah, well who the hell knows
who they are anyway.
We are all just figuring it out
as we go along.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
So, the best you can do is
reflect on who you were in the past
and compare that to
who you wanna be in the future,
and you split the difference.
That's who you are now.
Like, I was a success,
and I wanna be a success again.
And I was a good husband,
until your mom left us.
She left me,
but you know what I didn't fail at?
Is being a good dad.
Because of who you turned out to be.
I know sometimes
you think I gave up and...
yeah, maybe there's some truth in that.
But I never gave up on you.
I love you, bud.
-I love you too, Dad.
-I know.
[sentimental music playing]
[man] Bro, that's why he's here, isn't it?
Anyway, let's go get a sub.
-I'll be back.
-Cool.
Not used to you being alone.
Yeah, well, I've successfully
pushed everyone else away, so...
It occurred to me that
I never would have been able to get
the Stand-In off the ground,
if it wasn't for you.
And then once
I finally got it to take off,
I shoved you out of the plane,
so I am sorry.
It's not that big a deal, man.
Uh...
I have an emotional parachute
that I've been weaving together,
every day I've been alive. [chuckles]
But how goes that Yale essay?
It's paused.
I'm not the best judge of my words
or my actions right now.
How's tuna melt?
He came back to the shop,
so, good, I guess?
Or, at the very least, not really bad.
He's not coming in
for middle of the road sandwich cuisine.
I get it, you're intimidated,
he's taller, he's stronger,
he's obviously better looking than you.
But you are the smart one,
so you have got to make the first move.
So, I guess, let's both do better
at what we have to do.
Huh?
Yeah.
Huh?
-All right.
-All right.
[school bell rings]
Watch this.
Hey, Rattigan, dude, I heard
what happened with you and my cousin,
and if it makes you feel any better,
I'll let you take my car for the weekend.
-No, I'm good.
-Just kidding, I'm not...
-What?
-I said, "I'm good." Thanks though, Reece.
-Really?
-Yeah.
It's just a car.
Look, if you ever need
someone to talk to, I'm here.
Okay, I know it can be rough
when your parents go through a divorce.
It makes you act differently, so....
Uh, what?
Hey, Celia.
Hey.
Thank you for saying yes to this.
Can I get you something, a coffee, or... ?
I don't know, I have a Pour Over.
Franklin was right,
they're kind of divine.
Oh, God, no. No, thank you.
So, how have you been?
Good.
I'm good. I'm really good.
That's good.
Um-hmm.
Well, I killed the app.
Oh, that right?
Well, in the spirit of honesty,
which is kind of my new thing,
I haven't quite been able to bring myself
to delete it,
but I have denied all the requests
that are coming in.
And the women of the world weep.
Not really. There's a couple of copycat
apps that have popped up.
The market is getting saturated.
I got out of the game at a good time.
-Good.
-Yeah.
-It's nice to see you. I miss you.
-Brooks.
Please, just don't, okay?
Hey, am I gonna read the admissions letter
or what?
Yes, sorry.
I hopeyou didn't waste
too much time on it,
because based on your meeting
with the Dean,
you couldhave drawn a picture of a bee
and gotten in.
I actually didn't apply to Yale.
-Wait, what?
-Yeah, I accepted UCONN's offer.
Uh...
Hold on, I thought Yale
was everything to you.
It was.
It was and then I realized
that if I have to pretend
to be someone else to get in,
then I probably don't belong there.
You know?
Brooks, what is this?
[sentimental music]
[Brooks] Dear Admissions Office
of the University of Celia Lieberman,
First off, I just want to say
what an honor it is
just to be considered as a potential
attendee at your fine institution.
And secondly,
this feels really creepy writing to you
as if you're a university
and not a person, so I'll stop that now.
A few months ago, I was a guy
who carried around this empty feeling.
Then, I thought that it could be filled by
driving the nicest car,
dating the most popular girl,
or going to the fanciest school.
But the closer I got to having
any of these things,
the deeper that emptyfeeling got.
I've been so many people
these past few months.
A cowboy,an art connoisseur,
an amateur beekeeper,
a prep school wannabe, a bad friend,
an obnoxious son
and a self-obsessed prick.
But through it all
there were little pockets of air
when I felt like I wastruly myself,
and that was when I was with you.
Is it cold when you're dreaming?
Is it cold when you're under?
I don't know if you're accepting
applications right now,
but if not,
I am totally willing to be wait-listed.
[Dad] Hey.
I was gonna cook a steak, do you want one?
-No, thanks.
-Are you sure?
-Yeah, I'm good.
-All right.
[Brooks] Hey...
you actually got some mail.
I put it on the table.
Oh, boy.
Just what I need.
It's probably another rejection letter.
This is...
It must beone of the grants
I applied for,
the Visionary Writing Award.
Dear Mr. Rattigan, in recognition
of your unparalleled literary talent,
we would like to offer you this grantto
further your career as a visionary writer.
-That's incredible, Dad.
-Yeah! That's how we do it!
Steak night. Boom!
[text message tone]
[message tone]
[beep]
[text message tone]
[message tone]
[message tone]
[message tone]
[knock at door]
And I want
For you to know
I shouldn't have slapped you.
I mean, it felt great for me,
but I shouldn't have slapped you.
-No, I think I deserved it.
-Yeah, you did.
And, you know, I'd do it again.
But I'd really like to not have to.
So, are you ready to go?
Go where?
Our date. I'm taking you to the formal.
Another formal?
How expensive are horse stables?
It's just a shed over an animal.
No, I'm not going to another formal
for as long as I live.
Come on, I'm not taking no for an answer
and you know how stubborn I can be.
I do know that.
-Fine.
-Good answer.
But wait, you left literally
all the fields blankon the app, so
what kind of personality
would you like for your date?
There were so many good ones.
But I think
I'm gonna go with regular old
no-frills,
vanilla ice cream Brooks Rattigan.
I think I can make that happen.
Ooh!
[Celia] Thanks, I got that.
-Nice of you to dress up.
-Yeah.
I just... I do what she tells me to do.
-Um-hmm.
-Um-hmm.
[man] Hey, what's up?
Murph.
-This is incredible.
-I know.
I can't take all the credit,
the whole thing was Celia's idea,
and tuna melt is a whiz with dcor.
What's his real name?
Oh, my God, you don't know.
How do you not know his name?
I keep hoping it will come up naturally
and it never does.
And I can't ask him now, I'm in too deep.
Look, I know it's early, but if you're
in need of a roommate next year...
No.
-Wait, you're going to UCONN?
-I am.
I didn't think they'd accept me,
considering my GPA is a bit iffy,
but I showed them some of my apps,
and they were impressed.
Who told you the Stand-In
would be good for both of us?
Not the Stand-In, they hated it.
-What?
-They hated it.
They liked MyTraxx,
and I tweaked it to be applicable
for student loans.
You know, which makes me a genius.
-Congratulations, man.
-Hey, Murph, help me with this table.
Got it, uh...
man.
Hey, I can bear this wait no longer,
you've gotta tell me.
Did I get in?
Hmm.
It was a tough call.
I mean, your essay was littered
with sentence fragments and run-ons,
like, seriously, but,
after careful consideration,
the Admissions Board of the University
of Celia Lieberman
is pleased to inform you
that, yes, you are accepted.
-Come on!
-Hey, don't get too excited.
You are on a probationary basis, okay?
Like, one semester at a time.
Okay. Well, I'll take what I can get.
So, I mean, what are you gonna do
to celebrate this acceptance?
There are a few things
that I'd like to do.
Oh, inform me. What?
Well, one,
I really wanna do this.
And two,
I wanna do that again.
[romantic music playing]
And three,
I want to dance.
Oh, you think you can keep up with me?
Well, I'd like to try.
[dance music playing]
Whoa!
Yes, Murph.
Hello, Celia.
I can wear the clothes
Of the characters of films that I see
Some say unoriginal
But it works out for me
It's a fact dear I'm an act here,
No camera, no stage
Dressed to impress
So I can lie about my age
And oh
You gonna lean on your friends
And oh, you did it again
And oh
You gonna lean on your friends
And oh, you did it again
And the beatniks, and the junkies
And if you feed them, you're a flunky
You say ooh
And the projects and the charlies
And the discos and the parties
And the blood streets and the new wave
It's the renaissance of these days
And oh
You gonna lean on your friends
And oh, you did it again
And oh
You gonna lean on your friends
And oh, you did it again
And oh
You gonna lean on your friends
And oh, you did it again
[electronic dance music playing]
Let's not play pretend
You got to want it
You got to need it
All things have to end
And now that I see it
You got what you needed
Oh, moving on to something
So much better
So much better
Oh, think I'll take this time
To just forget her
Just forget her
Let's not play pretend
All things have to end
Oh, moving on to something
So much better
So much better
Let's not play pretend
You got to want it
You got to need it
All things have to end
And now I see it
You got what you needed
Oh, moving on to something
So much better
So much better
Oh, think I'll take this time
To just forget her
Just forget her
Let's not play pretend
All things have to end
Oh, moving on to something
So much better
So much better
Oh, moving on to something
So much better
So much better
Oh, think I'll take this time
To just forget her