The Phantom of the Open (2021) Movie Script
1
TECHNICIAN: One, two.
[]
DICK:
We're gonna start very soon,
Maurice. Sorry for the wait.
MAURICE:
Don't worry yourself.
RUNNER:
Can I get you anything?
Coffee?
MAURICE: Do you have any tea?
RUNNER: We have tea.
MAURICE:
Just a cup of tea.
Thanks, love.
Milk, six sugars, please.
RUNNER: Six?
MAURICE:
Yes, six, please. Thank you.
TECHNICIAN:
Can you give me
some levels, Maurice?
MAURICE: Some what?
Uh, talking.
Can you just talk to me?
MAURICE:
Has the interview started?
'Cause I just ordered some tea.
TECHNICIAN: That's perfect.
MAURICE: Eh?
DICK: Okay. We good?
CAMERAMAN: We're rolling.
MAURICE: Haven't got my tea.
DICK: All right, then.
We're good to go
in three, two, one.
I'm here with a legend
of the golfing world.
A man who has broken records
and rewritten the history books.
Maurice Flitcroft.
[SNEEZES, THEN SNIFFS]
Bless me.
You made your name
in the British Open in 1976.
Now, why did you choose
that particular tournament?
Well, uh, more
it chose me, really.
I-it was a calling.
You Americans might call it
a destiny.
And it was an unlikely destiny,
wasn't it?
Because you were working
as a crane operator
at the time, am I right?
Yes, when I took up
the game of golf in, uh, 1975,
I was working full time
as a crane driver,
or operator, as you would say.
So, well, tell us about
the young Maurice Flitcroft.
Did you dream of becoming
a sportsman as a child?
I... I had dreams,
but, uh, you know, where
I come from, Barrow-in-Furness,
it's a small world.
Put it like that.
[]
The only job options
for a lad like me was the yard.
Shipyard.
"Shipyard fodder,"
they used to call us.
My dad worked there
and his father before him.
You go in on your feet.
You come out in a box.
Oh, as a child,
I did have ambitions,
of course.
That I might do,
you know, something else.
But any dreams I had tended
to end up in pieces.
When the war came,
I was sent to live
with a very nice family
in Scotland.
Things were
very different there.
They'd say things like:
What do you want to be
when you grow up, young Maurice?
Probably just be
in the shipyard like me dad.
Och, you can be anything
you want to be!
The world is your oyster.
I read books.
I learnt languages.
I played the violin.
I played to
a very high standard, actually.
[PLAYING POORLY]
Never mind, Maurice.
Practice.
Practice is
the road to perfection.
Or I would have done
if the war hadn't ended,
but it did.
So I was soon back in Barrow.
Ended up shipyard fodder
after all.
[CHUCKLES]
DICK:
And it was at the shipyard
that you met your wife Jean,
right?
MAURICE:
Yes, I did.
I used to apply for other jobs.
I tried
lots of different things.
And she'd let me use the post
in the office for free.
She was very kind to me.
[TYPEWRITER DINGS]
In the evenings she ran,
like, a theater group
for wayward kids.
We got on like a house on fire.
Pretty soon,
I popped the question.
Jean Patterson,
will you marry me?
I promise I'll give you
champagne, caviar, diamonds.
We'll travel the world
together--
Stop.
Turns out she had a kid.
Michael.
Out of wedlock and all,
which was a big deal
in those days.
They call him all sorts
at school.
"Son of a whore."
"Little bastard."
MAURICE:
Kids can be cruel.
That's the teachers.
So he never knew his dad?
No.
Never even met him.
As far as he knows,
he doesn't have a dad.
Well, he does now.
Heh, all of a sudden,
my own dreams,
well, they were put on hold.
Because we were a family now.
I had to help Michael
find his dreams.
Well, take your pick, son.
World's your oyster.
That's for me.
Racing driver.
Astronaut. How about this?
Do you fancy a trip to the moon?
No.
Engineering?
Yeah.
Want to read my book?
What do you think?
Does it go there?
Put it the other way round.
Mikey got a degree.
Ended up a manager at the yard.
I always fancied
a pop at academia myself,
but pretty soon,
we had not one,
but two more mouths to feed.
Gene and James, twins.
They loved disco dancing.
Even won the school cup.
As for me own dreams, well,
by now they were...
They were a distant memory.
But I made my peace with it.
Then came the summer of 1975,
and, well, everything changed.
[]
Mom, just have
a look at the microwave.
I prefer my own one,
that's all.
It's gas, Mom. Gas ovens
are basically mini-bombs.
Out.
Well, it's not gone off yet
so I think we're all right.
Can you lot shut up?
Get out of the kitchen.
Thank you.
[ROLLS LIPS]
GENE: Oh, yeah.
JAMES: Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey! Stop doing your
stupid dancing near the new TV!
It's not stupid dancing!
Get out.
We're professional
disco dancers.
That's not a job.
[SCOFFS]
Dad, tell him it's a job.
It is a real job,
isn't it, Dad?
Good a job as any.
How do you switch this on?
I've told you before, you've
got to use the remote control.
Get out of that. Come on, Mike.
This top is Gabicci!
Oh, it's Gabicci!
I said, can you pipe it down
in there, please?
Quiet, boys!
Mike, watch this.
Can you do that?
You use that
to change the channels.
It's got loads of them.
How many?
Three.
Blimey.
You can use that from anywhere,
providing that the lead
reaches that far.
Why can't you just use
the switches on the side?
Gabicci, baby
Yeah, but why would-- Get off!
Why do you have to use
the remote?
[BARKS]
Why can't you just use switches?
You can, but what's the point
when you got that?
I might be standing by--
Shut it!
[WHINES]
Dinner is served.
REPORTER [ON TV]:
Now you can see
we've left Newton
and we're chugging
across the Atlantic.
The spacecraft is shown
by this--
MICHAEL:
Look, don't quote me
on this, but...
well, it's top secret.
The, uh... The yard's
gonna be nationalized.
Government's taking over.
Oh.
And Hopkins has put me
in charge of the changeover.
Well.
Good for you, son.
He must have
a lot of faith in you,
giving you a big job like that.
Yeah, I suppose.
But it could be bad, Dad.
There's gonna be
a lot of redundancies
when the ax falls.
I mean, a lot.
MAURICE:
They need you, he says.
So that's good.
What about you?
Oh, well.
I'll get another job
if it comes to it.
What job?
I don't know.
There's always the bins.
[CHUCKLES]
Come here.
I'm doing--
Maurice.
What is it?
Sit down.
Hey.
I knew a young man once.
Said he was gonna be
a somebody.
Promised me
diamonds, caviar, champagne.
"Travel the world," he said.
Sounds like
you should've married him.
[BOTH CHUCKLE SOFTLY]
I know you've made sacrifices
for us, Maurice.
You don't have
to look after us anymore.
It's your turn now.
For what?
Well, it's up to you, isn't it?
Can't think of everything.
[]
[MEN LAUGHING]
What we got today, then, Mol?
Cheese and pickle.
Oh-ho, yeah.
What?
It's my favorite, that is.
WILLIE:
Maurice, we've been
hearing rumors
there might be some business
going on in the yard.
You heard anything?
Look, I-- I shouldn't be
telling you lads, it's secret.
But, uh,
it's being nationalized.
What does that mean?
Redundancies. Lots of them.
So if I were you, I'd get
looking for something else.
Shit.
I see it as an opportunity,
actually, really.
You know, why not?
What we got to lose?
Seek and thou shalt find
and all that.
Willie, there must be something
you've always wanted to do.
If you could do anything
in the world, what would you do?
I don't know.
What do you like doing?
Mm...
Drinking Guinness.
[WILLIE LAUGHS]
MAURICE:
Well, open an Irish pub.
Your own Irish pub in Barrow.
Cliff, you can go back
to your old job.
What old job?
Said you did a bank job once.
Right, yeah.
Um, well, that's a--
Heh, that's a young man's game,
that is, mate.
Oh, come on, lads.
We're in the prime of our lives.
Shouldn't be talking like that.
[GULLS CAWING]
[MAN CHUCKLES]
MAN:
Yeah, I know. Yeah, I might
go to the pub later on.
JEAN:
I'm going up now, love.
What are you doing?
I've gotta finish this flipping
nun's habit before I turn in.
Well, don't be too late.
You'll hurt your eyes.
MAURICE:
Well, it has to be done.
Night.
Night.
Night, love.
[STATIC HISSING]
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]
[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
I believe that the job you do
is fundamental
to the future of Britain.
ANNOUNCER:
Newton from the bunker.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
And now to Watson.
[CROWD GROANS]
Just misses on the right.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
So if he can just get this in.
[CROWD CHEERS, WHISTLES]
It's all on this
to equal Watson's score.
[CROWD EXCLAIMS, APPLAUDS]
The title goes to Tom Watson.
On his first appearance
at this tournament.
[]
The new champion.
Tom Watson.
What a dream come true.
[WIND WHISTLING]
Whoa!
[LAUGHS]
Whoa!
[LAUGHS]
Whoa!
[GASPS]
So there we have it.
What an image to end on.
Tom Watson
with the famous Claret Jug.
I hope you'll join me,
Tony Marsh,
and the rest
of the commentary team
for the Dunlop
British Masters...
JAMES:
Dad.
You all right, love?
We heard screaming.
Where is it?
JEAN:
What you looking for, love?
Hmm?
[THE DRIFTERS'
"YOU'RE MORE THAN A NUMBER
IN MY LITTLE RED BOOK" PLAYING]
Ow!
Oh, oh, yeah, yes
You're more than a number
In my little red book
You're more
Than a one-night thing
All I had to take me
Was just one look
My heart began a-thumpin'
Babe, you had it jumpin'...
MAURICE:
Golf.
Golf?
Aye, golf.
BOTH:
Golf?
Saw it last night
on me new telly.
Going to have a crack
at the British Open.
Ten grand if you win it.
[CHUCKLES]
Ten grand? Bloody hell.
How do you go about getting
in the British Open, then?
I don't know. That's what
I've got to find out.
Bartender, beautician, busses.
Sorry, there's nothing here
about the British Open.
That's disappointing.
Maybe you could ask someone
at your golf club?
No, I'm not a member of a club.
Okay.
So do you know anyone
who has anything
to do with golf?
No.
Hang on.
Yes, I do. I do!
You're more
Than a one-night date
All I had to take me
Was just one look
My heart began a-thumpin'
Babe, you had it jumpin'
'Cause you're more--
JEAN: Fingers.
JAMES: Right, next.
What is a par?
Par is the optimum amount
of shots
you should take
on any given hole.
So for example, on a par four,
the optimal amount of shots
is four.
JAMES:
Correct.
What is a birdie?
MAURICE:
That is one shot under the par.
So for example, par four, three.
Uh, and a bogey?
Bogey?
I know that one, Dad.
Answer's one of these, mate.
Wow.
Oh, they're even better
than I thought.
So shiny, aren't they?
Mm.
These were the cheapest ones
and all.
Really?
Look.
Crikey.
Number 19.
[GASPS]
Need to be a millionaire
to play this game.
You should see
what the clothes cost.
Really?
Might get Cliff onto it.
...from a Maurice Flitcroft
in Barrow-in-Furness.
Dad! You're on telly!
And he says...
No, what?
..."I was wondering
how I might go about
getting into
the British Open Championship
as I quite fancy lifting
the old Claret Jug."
Well, Maurice,
all you have to do
is write to the Royal
and Ancient Golf Club
at St. Andrews in Scotland and
they'll send you an entry form.
But remember,
ask your mom and dad
before you use
all their stamps and things.
Always warms my cockles
when we get letters
from keen youngsters
like little Maurice.
[BOTH SNICKER]
MAURICE:
Left arm perpendicular
to the sternum.
Head at 30 degrees.
[WHINING SOFTLY]
Knees flexed at 20.
[MUTTERING]
[GROANS]
[DOG BARKING]
What are you playing at?
Sorry!
Flipping heck!
I don't owe you anything?
No.
For all this?
No. No.
I got all this and all this from
my mate John down the market.
You got this too?
Yeah, yeah.
Suede.
It's good stuff, innit?
Hat's perfect.
[LAUGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
[SPEAKS IN LATIN]
You what?
Clothes of the gods, Cliff.
Oh.
Well, he only gets the best,
does Jim.
I thought it were John.
John. John. Yeah, John.
Yeah, good lad, John.
These sandwiches look nice,
Jean.
Love.
Love, can you stop worrying
about what you look like?
Got to finish
filling in this form.
Mmm.
What does that mean, handicap?
That must be me ailments,
I suppose.
Like your false teeth?
Lumbago.
Touch of arthritis.
Shall I put that down?
Aye, put that down.
Hello.
You all right, lads?
[COINS JANGLING]
Here you go, Dad.
Get a load of that.
What's that?
Money so you can practice
on a golf course.
Yeah, we got it dancing
on high street.
Honestly, should've seen it.
They were chucking it at us.
That's incredible.
What do you hope to achieve?
You know,
with this dancing, like...?
Money.
Birds.
Oh. "We're all of us
in the gutter
but some of us
are looking at the stars."
Who said that? Oscar Wilde.
[MOUTHS] Oscar Wilde.
What do you think
he meant by that?
CLIFF:
Don't sleep in the gutter!
[LAUGHS]
Aim for the stars.
I mean, isn't there a trophy
or a world cup or something?
Yeah, think so.
Well, enter it!
Go and win it!
But what if we lose?
Doesn't matter.
At least you can say you tried.
That's the main thing.
There's more to life
than money, boys.
Ain't that right, Cliff?
Yeah.
Though, having said that,
money is flipping handy.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Especially if you play golf.
Yeah.
Cheers!
You're welcome, Dad.
Thanks.
Look at that, Jean!
Hang on a minute.
It's heavy.
It says...
"Don't need a handicap
if you're professional."
Well, just cross out
that other stuff.
Tick "professional."
Make things easier.
Professional?
Mm-hm.
You sure?
Listen,
you didn't see me practicing
this morning.
I am a whisker away.
All right.
[WHISPERS]
A whisker away.
[]
[MEN CHATTERING SOFTLY]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
[LAUGHING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
STARTER [ECHOES]:
Please welcome on the tee,
Maurice G. Flitcroft.
[CROWD CHEERING LOUDLY,
APPLAUDING]
You all right down there,
old boy?
Oh. Yes.
Hello, gents.
Are you in the right place,
old chap?
Yes, I'm here to join the club.
And I see you're a three ball.
If you care to make it a four,
I'm available.
Happy to join.
Uh, we're, um--
We're waiting for someone.
MAN:
Yes. George.
George Green.
Actually,
thanks for the offer, gents.
But, uh, on second thought,
I think I'd prefer to play
on my own today.
I hope you don't mind.
Maurice Flitcroft.
Good luck, gents.
[SOFTLY]
Tossers.
Flipping people.
Snobs.
Bloody--
Excuse me, sir!
Hello, there.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Bruce Atkins,
the steward of the club.
Oh, hello, Bruce. I--
I'm Maurice.
How may I help you today,
Maurice?
I'm here to join the club,
please.
I see.
Well, that's fine.
But there is
a procedure to follow
to get entry to the club.
Procedure?
Yes.
First you must be recommended
by a committee member.
Then you must play a round
with two members
to ascertain your level
of skill, etiquette, et cetera.
Then your application
will be forwarded
to the members committee,
whereupon, if accepted,
you'll be placed
on the waiting list.
How long's the waiting list?
Currently two years.
Oh, that's no good.
Really?
No, I'm playing
in the British Open.
The British Open?
So I'll just play a round now.
Very well.
That'll be five pounds.
Five pounds?
And you'd need to buy
some regulation golf shoes.
I'm afraid
we don't allow work boots.
How much are the shoes?
Ten pounds.
With the green fee,
that makes a round 15.
Do you have 15 pounds, Maurice?
[BIRD CALLS IN DISTANCE]
[SOFTLY]
Here he is.
Maurice G. Flitcroft.
Only requires par for victory.
Hey! Get off the golf course!
What you doing?
Hey! Ooh!
[CHUCKLES]
You cheeky sod!
Oh, flip! Left me balls!
Are you deaf?
Tosser!
Go on!
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYS]
Hands in your pockets.
JEAN: Maurice?
Yeah, it's not bad, is it?
[DOOR CLOSES]
JEAN: Bloody hell.
[BAG THUMPS]
I thought golf was supposed
to be relaxing, love?
So did I.
What's happened, Dad?
Oh, I'm...
I'm giving up on the Open, son.
No. No, you're not.
I am, love.
I said you're not. Not until
you've opened this. Go on.
I feel like dancin'
Dancin'
Dance the night away
Yeah
I feel like dancin'
Dancin'
Aah-ah-ah-ah
Quarter to 4
In the mornin'
I ain't feeling tired
No, no, no, no, no...
I said television
is the only way
to keep up
with the Americans.
Prestige counts for nothing
if you can't see it.
And what did they say?
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Excuse me,
Mr. Mackenzie, sir?
Yes, Jenny.
Again, what can I do for you?
Sorry, sir. I just want
to show you this application.
I'm not sure what to do with it.
Oh, good Lord.
Well, I mean,
he's ticked professional,
so--
But I just wonder
whether it's real.
Whether what's real?
Whether he really is
a professional.
Why would someone say they're
a professional when they're not?
Well, to get into the Open.
[SCOFFS]
I don't think anyone's gonna be
stupid enough
to do that, my dear.
No, that would be
very stupid indeed.
[SINGERS VOCALIZING]
I'm in.
I best get Cliff
to get me some new golf shoes.
[ALARM CLOCK RINGING,
THEN STOPS]
[THE FOUNDATIONS'
"BUILD ME UP BUTTERCUP" PLAYING]
[TEAPOT WHISTLING]
[GULLS CAWING]
Practice is the road
to perfection.
Why do you build me up
Build me up
Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down
Let me down
And mess me around?
And then worst of all...
[GROANS]
Flipping heck.
[WHINES]
Can't see a flipping thing.
I need you
I need you
More than anyone
Darlin'...
Fore.
So build me up
Build me up
Buttercup
Don't break my heart
"I'll be over at 10"
You told me time and again
But you're late
I wait around and then...
Oh-ho!
Hey, that was a good one.
I think.
Mike.
Hey, Dad. What you doing here?
Hello, son.
This your new office, is it?
Yeah.
Come on, then, give us a look.
Not a great time. We got
some big deals going down.
Oh, big deals? Heh.
Want a ciggy?
No, no, no. You're okay.
Son, I might, um... I might
need a couple of days off,
uh, next Thursday, Friday.
Can you swing it?
Yeah, yeah,
I'll see what I can do.
I think I might've
found myself a new job,
you know, like you said.
Ah, great, Dad.
It-- It is great.
It's quite exciting, actually.
I'm entering the British Open,
you know, the golf thing.
Really gonna go for it. I think
I'm pretty good, actually.
Dad, sorry, I've got to go.
But that's good, Dad.
Well, it's good
to have your support, son.
Go on. Get your deals. Go on.
Okay, I'll see you later.
All right.
Ah, Mike.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Mike Flitcroft.
Be fine.
It's not gonna fit.
Oh, yeah.
Gene?
It's aluminum,
so it'll bend, won't it?
Oh, bloody hell.
Very nice.
Shit.
Lovely.
Just-- It's all right.
It's fine.
Well done, Gene.
Can you help instead of judging?
We ready, lads?
Yeah, fine. Yeah, all good.
Yeah, ready.
We're just putting it in the--
No, no. I'll--
Here. Come here.
That's all fine.
Here you are.
Yeah?
Now, look at that.
Just remember,
know whatever happens,
no one can say you didn't try.
[]
You got your sandwiches.
Sandwiches.
Aha. Good.
Made plenty there for the--
Thanks, Mom.
I got it.
Don't eat them all
on the journey.
No.
Oh, no, no.
Come here, you.
[SOFTLY]
Good luck.
I love you.
Mmm.
GENE: They're still going.
[GIGGLES]
Come on, come on.
No, put me down.
Go on, you'll be late.
Get going.
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]
I know. I love you too.
I'm gonna get some claret
for that jug on the mantelpiece.
Do it.
I'll get onto it.
Bye, love.
JAMES: Yeah.
JEAN:
Love you.
[ENGINE STARTS, PUTTERING]
TONY:
The sun is shining this morning
at Formby Golf Club
on Merseyside,
where, in a few minutes' time,
the new stars
of the golfing world
will take their first steps
to claiming
the historic Claret Jug
and a check for 10,000 pounds.
Join us here in about an hour
for what promises to be
a tournament to remember.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh!
[CHUCKLES]
You practice on the beach
and all?
Uh, sorry, my English, uh--
Oh, no. Um...
[IN SPANISH]
Ah, s.
[IN SPANISH]
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, the bunkers.
Heh-heh, s.
Um, Maurice. Maurice Flitcroft.
Severiano Ballesteros.
You what?
Oh, s, Seve, Seve. Hmm.
Uh...
[IN SPANISH]
Uh-huh.
Uh...
You know what I mean?
[IN SPANISH]
[CHUCKLES]
Watch out, Seve.
Yeah.
[IN SPANISH]
[]
[CROWD CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Thank you.
Right-o, son.
What's first up?
Uh, first hole.
Um, 460 yards,
trouble left and right.
Four hundred and sixty yards.
Par five?
Par four.
Par four.
I reckon take a driver,
get it right up there.
Give us a chance
going at the green.
No. I've been a bit wild,
you know,
just of late, with my driver.
I'll take-- I'll take my 4-wood.
I never miss with that.
Yeah. Okay.
Um...
Um, sorry, Dad.
There's no 4-wood.
You what?
I must have left the 4-wood
in the car.
It's fucking James' fault.
I did tell him.
No, no.
All right, all right, son.
It's all right.
I'll take my driver.
Mind your language
on the course.
Yeah, sorry, Dad.
All right?
[FEEDBACK OVER MICROPHONE]
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is game number 14.
Please welcome on the tee,
representing
Pontypool Golf Club, Wales,
and sponsored by Conway's,
Jim Howard.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
Fucking hell.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
STARTER:
Please welcome on the tee,
representing
La Boudin Golf Club, France,
and sponsored by
McGranger Sport,
Laurent Lambert.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
[MAN EXCLAIMS SOFTLY]
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
And finally,
please welcome on the tee,
representing Cumbria County
Golf Club, England,
and sponsored by...
Vi-Vickers Shipyard,
Maurice G. Flitcroft.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
[]
[WIND WHISTLING]
[BALL PLOPS]
[CROWD MURMURING]
Right, son. What we got left?
Uh, well,
hole's 460,
and what we gone? Uh, eight.
So, four five two to the pin.
Right. I'll take me three iron,
I'll just go for position.
Yeah.
[CROWD SNICKERING SOFTLY]
Great shot, Dad!
It's all right.
Yeah, that'll do.
[LOUIS ARMSTRONG'S
"WHEN YOU'RE SMILING" PLAYING]
When you're smiling
When you're smiling
When you're smiling
When you're smiling
The whole world smiles
With you
Smiles with you
And when you're laughing
Oh, you're laughing
Oh, you're laughing
Mm, and the sun comes
Shining through
Shining through
When you're crying
When you're crying
You bring on the rain
Stop your sighing
[CROWD GROANS]
Won't you be happy again?
When you're smiling
When you're smiling
Keep on smiling
Keep on smiling
And the whole world
Smiles with you
Let's go now, let's go!
Yeah, boy
Gene. Concentrate.
Yeah, I-- Yeah, I was.
Flipping heck.
Oh! You see?
[CROWD CHEERS, THEN LAUGHING]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
MAN:
Go on! Go on!
[CROWD GROANS]
All right?
Tony, it's Lloyd.
Yes.
Listen, I want everything
you can find
on a "Maurice Flitcroft."
F-L-I-T-C-R-O-F-T.
[CROWD GROANS]
Flitcroft.
Half time scores, please, gents.
Jim Howard?
Thirty-three. Roundabout.
Thank you. Laurent Lambert?
JIM:
Thirty-two.
Halfway there, Gene.
JOHN: Thirty-two.
And, uh, Maurice Flitcroft?
Sixty-three.
Sorry, say that again.
Sixty-three.
[WIND WHISTLING]
Good God.
We, in Scotland,
invented the game of golf.
The British Open is the oldest
golf tournament in the world.
The most respected
and prestigious.
And we must do all we can
to burnish that reputation.
So you can say that to your dad
the next time he spouts
any of that nonsense, okay?
Thank you for your time. Now--
[SOFTLY]
Maurice Flitcroft
has hit a sixty-three.
Sixty-three?
How the hell did that happen?
I've no idea.
Do the press know?
Not yet.
Good.
Let's bloody keep it that way.
Yeah.
[CROWD GROANS SOFTLY]
MAURICE:
I must say, that...
That was a bit disappointing.
Mr. Flitcroft. Keith Mackenzie,
secretary of the Royal
and Ancient Golf Society.
May I have
a word with you, please?
Oh, course, course.
Uh, here.
It's an honor to meet you, sir.
I'm very much enjoying the, uh--
You know, the championship.
Good. Good.
So are we, thank you.
However my colleague and I
were just wondering if you, uh,
might've had your fill of it,
so to speak.
I'm sorry?
We were just wondering
if you'd like to retire,
you know?
I'm not-- I'm not--
I'm not sure I follow you.
Heh, I'm sorry.
I must get to the next tee.
All right, Mr. Flitcroft.
Let me speak plainly.
We can all see
you don't belong here,
so why don't you just quietly
gather up your things
and let's not cause a scene,
shall we?
You know, there's one thing
I can promise you,
Mr. Mackenzie, and that is no.
No, I certainly
will not be retiring.
My swing's just about to,
you know, click in.
Uh, so if you'll excuse me,
I must get on.
[BILLY PRESTON'S
"NOTHING FROM NOTHING" PLAYING]
I must just thank
a Mrs. T. Holness
of Liphook Golf Club
for a most wonderful cake.
A Victoria sponge, no less.
Now, my producer's just handed
me a piece of paper.
[SCOFFS]
And either I need
a new pair of glasses
or there's something quite
extraordinary happening
out there on the course.
That's nothing.
Have you seen the new Audi 80?
Bloody hell.
Bloody hell.
She is a beauty.
Gorgeous, gorgeous.
TONY:
Word is,
he played the first nine holes
in a phenomenal 63 shots.
Oh, see, beautiful lines.
Clear lines.
I don't bloody believe it.
Boys, look who it is.
Who is it?
Some plonker who was here
not long back.
He said he was playing
in the British Open,
I thought he was having me on.
Good Lord.
His card reads
seven, nine, eight, ten,
there's a 12 there with
a question mark next to it.
[LAUGHS]
Not sure what that means.
Oh, there's a six. That's--
[ALL LAUGHING]
I think the authorities will
be wondering how this happened.
It says here his name is...
Maurice G. Fl--
Oi, what's got
into you, Flitcroft?
Sorry, I was just trying
to get a better signal but--
Ah! The snug, come on!
So Clarke leads by one
from Roberts
on this opening morning.
Now then, back to our intrepid
hacker on the 13th.
[ALL CHEER]
He's celebrating like
he just holed for a birdie.
But that was for a ten.
[ALL EXCLAIM]
That makes
for an astonishing plus 38.
I've never seen
a number like that before.
Now, back to the man
of the moment.
He's lost two balls
on this hole.
Which makes this
for a nine and...
That's in!
And the crowd go wild.
[RINGS]
Tony, what've you got for me?
A crane driver?
Where from?
Have you got an address?
Nothing from nothing
Leaves nothing...
[HOPKINS LAUGHING]
BRUCE: Stop, we got it.
Stop moving, Flitcroft.
Oh, dear.
That's his fourth shot,
and he's still
not out of the bunker.
At this rate he's gonna
end up in Australia.
Now, either somebody's slipped
some Spanish licorice
into my tea
or his caddy is
wearing basketball pumps.
They really are a pair
of bobby dazzlers.
How do I know him?
It says here, he's representing
Cumbria County Golf Club
in Barrow.
Well, if he's the best
they can do,
I wouldn't like to see
the rest of them.
And he has a sponsor,
believe it or not.
Vickers Shipyard
in Barrow-in-Furness.
I wouldn't like to sail
on one of their boats
if he's been building them.
The authorities
aren't going to like it,
but I can tell you right now,
the name of Maurice Flitcroft
will go down in history.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
It's, uh...
It's quite a common name. Mm-hm.
[]
What time is it? Huh?
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
Ah.
[CROWD APPLAUDING, CHEERING]
[MUTTERS IN FRENCH]
Look at this crowd, Dad!
Yeah. Must be doing
something right.
Well, let's, uh-- You know, give
them something to cheer about.
Four iron.
[SIGHS]
[]
Where is it?
[CROWD CHEERING LOUDLY]
[SIGHS]
Next to the flipping pin, Dad!
TONY:
Well, this fellow is
the story of the day.
Maurice Flitcroft,
on the last for a birdie.
It'll be a surprise
if this goes in.
Wait until you hear the roar
if it does.
Oh, and it misses
on the right-hand side.
It was a good effort.
This is for, I think, 119.
Ooh, that was not
a positive stroke.
[WALTER MURPHY'S
"COULD IT BE THE MUSIC" PLAYING]
[MEN GROANING]
It's getting
a little bit grisly now.
And hopefully
he'll put this in.
And he does!
That's 121. Remarkable.
[CHUCKLES]
Could it be the music
Ooh, double trouble!
That makes me
Rock and roll?
Maybe it's the music
Oh, yeah...
I believe that's called
the caterpillar, that move, eh?
Seen my grandson do that, heh.
Not on a golf course,
I must admit.
I'm afraid
with a score like that
he won't be coming back
tomorrow.
But whether you like it or not,
the day belongs
to Maurice Flitcroft.
Hello?
Hello, can I help you at all?
Oh, sorry. Uh, I'm looking
for Maurice Flitcroft's house?
Oh, well, you found it.
I'm Jean Flitcroft.
Maurice is my husband.
Maurice.
Lloyd Donovan, Sun newspaper.
Hello.
Wondered if you had any comments
on what your husband did
at the Open today?
Oh, how'd he do?
He shot 121.
It's the highest score
in major history.
Oh, that's good!
That mean he's won?
No. A high score is bad.
Is it? Oh, well.
Never mind, you've got
to start somewhere, ain't you.
Um, about to pop the kettle on,
do you want to come in for tea?
Want a biscuit?
Thank you very much, yeah.
REPORTERS:
Maurice. Maurice.
[FLASH BULB WHINES, POPS]
How does it feel to have shot
the worst round
in the history of the Open?
I don't feel the score
was a fair reflection
on me play, actually.
What score would be
a fair reflection of your play?
That's hard to tell. It's the
first round I've ever played.
What do you put
your bad score down to, Maurice?
Well, I'd say the main problem
with my game today
was that I left
my 4-wood in the car.
I don't mean to make excuses
but I'm deadly accurate
with my 4-wood. Deadly.
[REPORTERS CHUCKLING]
What made you enter the Open?
Was it a joke?
Well, I-- No, no.
No, it's no joke.
Well, I-- No.
Are you gonna try again
next year, Maurice?
Uh, yes. Yes, so, uh,
I'll be back next year.
I just need to practice.
Practice more,
a bit more and, well,
"practice is the road
to perfection,"
so if you'll excuse me, uh,
I'll see you next year, chaps.
WOMAN:
See you next year, Maurice.
MAN:
Right-o, Maurice.
You showed them,
didn't you, Dad?
Quiet,
quiet when you go in, lads.
Your mom must've gone to bed.
What you doing? Yeah, sorry.
Oh, still,
look at least you tried.
You know, that's
the main thing, ain't it?
Oh, yeah, that's right, son.
Enjoyed it, I did.
Yeah, good.
All right. I'll just...
Go in. I'll just get me things.
Okay.
[DOOR CREAKS]
ALL: Surprise!
[NOISEMAKER TRUMPETS]
MAURICE: Oh! Oh.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Flipping heck, you nearly
gave me a heart attack!
You didn't tell me, lads!
We didn't know either.
You didn't know? Willie!
She didn't tell us.
All right, Mol.
Aw...
Cliff. Oh!
Great, Mol!
Oh, look!
JEAN: Look, they did that.
Champion!
"Congratulations, Maurice.
Our champion." Well...
[CLIFF LAUGHS]
Oh...
And you are.
You did so well.
[SIGHS]
I wasn't quite as good
as I thought I was.
Hey, just your first time, love.
WILLIE:
You'll show them
next time around!
Well. Oh, next time, yeah.
Did the lads tell you
about the 18th?
I birdied it, nearly,
right on the green.
CLIFF: We saw it!
You saw it?
We saw it on the telly,
in the shipyard, yeah.
On the telly?
Quiche?
CLIFF: Yeah, d'you like it?
I don't mind it, quiche.
Yeah.
MAURICE: What are you eating?
CLIFF: They're twirls.
MAURICE: Twirls?
CLIFF: Twirls.
[ALL CHEER]
Get off me!
JEAN:
You all right, love?
Hey, Mike, you coming
for a snout?
No, no, you're all right.
Oh, did you see?
Yeah, I did.
Ah! Did you see the 18th,
where I nearly birdied it? Heh.
No, I must've missed that bit.
Well, I know the standard
wasn't ideal but--
Not ideal?
Well, what were you thinking,
Dad?
You've never
even played golf before.
I've never even heard you
mention golf in your life.
But I told you.
You've got to take
these things up at age 6,
you can't take them up at 46!
Well, who says?
Well, the world says.
Okay? Reality says.
Well, look what happened.
What? Well, I were
a bit nervous but--
MICHAEL:
Yeah, well,
you had every right to be.
Everyone at the yard's
gone hopping mad.
JEAN:
Well, what's he done to them?
This disparages
the name of the shipyard.
GENE:
What's "disparaged"
when it's at home?
Have you swallowed
a dictionary, Michael, or what?
Okay, you two.
Can you get out, please?
Nice.
MAURICE:
Well...
I'm sorry
I embarrassed you, son.
It's not me
I'm worried about, Dad.
It's you.
The redundancies are gonna
be decided this week.
Hopkins watched it as well.
He weren't best pleased.
Sorry, Dad.
[DOOR OPENS]
GENE: Bye, Mike.
Yeah, thanks for stopping by.
You off?
[DOOR CLOSES]
So sorry.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
JEAN: Drink?
MAN: I'll have one.
JEAN:
Yeah, lovely.
Get another round in.
[GUESTS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Love, if that's what he decides,
well, you know,
it gives you more time
to practice then, don't it?
Hey?
[DOOR CLOSES]
Oh, love.
Hiya.
There's someone
I want you to meet.
Hi, Maurice.
I'm Lloyd Donovan.
Sun newspaper.
Listen, uh, can I,
uh, get an exclusive?
Exclusive?
Yeah.
Aye. For a fee, you know.
Oh, of course, yeah.
Name your price.
[ABBA'S "MONEY, MONEY, MONEY"
PLAYING]
I work all night
I work all day
To pay the bills
I have to pay
Ain't it sad?
And still
There never seems to be
A single penny left for me
That's too bad
In my dreams, I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy man
I wouldn't
Have to work at all
I'd fool around
And have a ball
I want him barred!
I want him barred from
every club in the country!
Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man's world
Money, money, money...
Bruce.
Maurice.
I'd like to join, please.
I got the money.
And I got the shoes.
I appreciate the effort
you've made, Mr. Flitcroft.
But I'm sorry,
I can't accept this.
Why not?
We have orders
from Mr. Mackenzie.
Mr. Mackenzie?
Can I see that, please?
Golf club membership is
for amateurs only.
As I entered the Open
as a professional,
I can't join a club?
Correct.
He accepts here that
I'm professional, that's fine.
Professionals can play
on any course in the country.
Yes.
Great!
Simply show them
your Professional Golf
Association certificate
and away you go.
But I don't have one, Bruce.
There's no chance of me
even getting one
unless I belong to a club.
Like I say, I'm sorry.
[]
I consider this action
a gross betrayal
of me rights as a human being.
My human rights.
Is the British Open,
not by definition,
'open' to everyone?
Furthermore...
The British Open is indeed
open to all golfers,
providing they have achieved
a standard fit for competing
at a professional level.
My mother plays golf,
but would I want her eligible
for the British Open?
No. I certainly would not.
Of course, I wouldn't want
your mother to be eligible
for the Men's British Open,
but I would hope that
you would consider her eligible
for the Women's British Open.
Don't you think?
Good point.
Ought I to add sexism
to your list of crimes,
Mr. Mackenzie?
JEAN:
I like that a lot.
I now consider the tone
of your letters to be unbecoming
to my office and will therefore
cease replying to them
as of this correspondence.
[ANNOUNCER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
ON RADIO]
"Mr. Mackenzie feels
he has said
all he has to say
on this matter.
Apart from to remind you
that any unlawful entering
of a golf club is,
of course, trespassing."
Flipping heck.
You all right, what's that?
Yeah, no. Don't worry.
"He trusts this brings
this matter to a close."
You'll show them yet, love.
Hm.
Mmm.
Just need to make them listen,
that's all.
[DINGS]
[INTRO MUSIC PLAYS]
We've come outside
to the studio car park
to meet the man
who shot a world record of 121
at the British Open.
He is the world's worst
professional golfer.
No, I'm sorry. I don't--
I don't agree with that.
I'm not
the world's worst golfer,
and I'm willing to prove it.
Okay, great.
So we have set up
a little golf course
here in the car park.
Yeah, it's not a golf course,
it's a putting green.
Great. It's exciting, isn't it?
Oh, now, that was close!
That was just a practice shot,
you know, get the pace
of the green.
Yes, well, it has
been raining out here,
so it could be a little bit
damp. Couldn't it?
Oh! Now, you feel
that you should be let back
into the Open, is that right?
Yes, an 'open' championship,
you know,
should be open to everyone.
Uh, like the FA Cup, you know,
give the little teams a chance.
RORY:
Oh! Now, bad luck.
Uh, I think
this ground is sloping.
Well, uh, everybody does say
that this car park is
a bit lopsided, so...
Well, I think I'd best hand
back to the studio.
Thank you to the fantastic
Maurice Flitcroft.
The world's worst golfer.
No, I'm not
the world's worst golfer.
I don't agree with that.
Oh-ho-ho, good shot, Maurice!
Hey, it's really coming,
innit?
It's coming.
"Practice is the road
to perfection," you know.
Oh!
[DOOR OPENS]
In here, love.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Have I missed them?
No, nothing yet.
How was practice?
Was great.
Getting better all the time.
[RINGS]
Boys?
We did it!
We bloody did it!
National champions!
We're gonna make history.
The world final's next!
Oh, well done, lads!
Oh! Well done!
Where are the finals, love?
Freaking France!
You go have fun. I love you!
[LINE CLICKS]
They're gone. There.
Now shall we celebrate too?
Got some of that Babycham
in the fridge.
Yeah, we should celebrate.
Yeah.
I'll have a cup of tea,
please, love.
All right, love.
Have to do
some more practice later
to work on me putting.
Love.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
There was a slope
in that car park.
I could see it from here
on the television.
No.
I don't know what happened.
I got a bit nervous, maybe.
Love?
Got a bit of me migraine.
I don't know.
Oh...
Hey.
How d'you think that
Mr. Jack Nicholson
would have done, you know,
taking up the golf at 50?
Jack Nicholas?
Yeah.
No coaching,
not one lesson, eh?
Mm.
And having to practice
on a beach
with a bloody retriever
yapping at his ankles.
You think he'd have done
any better?
No, it's a good point, love.
But they still won't
let me...
Let me join, will they, so...
There's no point
in talking about it.
That right?
There's no point.
All right.
Hmm...
Well...
They might not
let you in, but, uh...
What about if you were
to enter as someone else?
Someone else?
Yeah.
Dashing Frenchman perhaps?
Bonjour.
[GIGGLES]
Jean, you're a genius.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Trs chic.
Bonjour.
STARTER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome on the tee,
from Paris, France,
Gerard Hoppy.
[CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
Okay, you've got this.
Your practice has
been sensational.
No one will guess it's you,
so just relax
and bring it home, Maurice.
Right. Again,
don't call me Maurice.
Ah, shit, sorry, Mol.
Or Mol, I'm Gerard,
Gerard Hoppy.
Got you.
[WALTER MURPHY'S
"A FIFTH OF BEETHOVEN" PLAYING]
TONY:
That's a nice opening drive
from the Frenchman,
Gerard Hoppy.
Yes!
Unusual swing, but, uh,
effective, it would seem.
Good shot, Maurice.
Gerard.
Gerard, shit, sorry.
[SHOUTS]
Shot, Gerard!
Merci beaucoup.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah!
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
And that's a steady start
for the Frenchman, Gerard Hoppy.
He's parred the first two holes.
I must confess I don't know
much about this fellow,
but he's a natty dresser,
I'll give him that.
This for a bogey
for the Frenchman.
And it's in! My goodness,
he rattled that one in.
[SIGHS]
[GIGGLES]
Who is this Gerard Hoppy?
I can't find him in the notes.
JOHN:
I've never heard of him either.
Merci. Merci.
KEITH:
Keep an eye on him.
Vive la France.
TONY:
And now, as the breeze gets up,
we join Gerard Hoppy
on the tenth tee.
Still going well.
Still going well
in his first qualifier.
Oh! And that's--
He's tweaked that left,
and it's in the bunker.
[CROWD GROANS]
Right, it's just a bunker.
Just remember your practice.
You've done this
loads of times, Mol.
What?
Oh, shit, sorry, Mol.
I mean Gerard!
Gerard. Shit!
Gerard, Gerard. Come on!
[GULLS CAWING]
[MAURICE BREATHING HEAVILY]
[CROWD GROANS SOFTLY]
[CROWD GROANS, THEN MURMURING]
CLIFF:
Hey, what's up, Maurice?
[IN FRENCH]
Please, stop calling me
Maurice.
Oh, shit, I'm sorry, mate.
It's Mackenzie,
he's spotted us.
Where?
He's up there.
No, no, no, he's behind us.
Behind--
Don't look back!
Don't look back!
Mr. Flitcroft.
Uh-- Oh, pardon, monsieur.
Je m'appelle Gerard Hoppy,
uh, merci beaucoup.
Oh, come on, Maurice.
I know it's you.
Hey! Stay back, pal!
No, this doesn't concern you.
Come with us, please, Maurice.
Hoppy, pardon,
je ne comprends pas.
Je m'appelle Gerard Hoppy.
J'habite en Paris, France.
Just going to the tee.
Mr. Flitcroft,
you look ridiculous in that wig.
It's not a crime
to wear a wig, is it?
He's got one, look.
Come on.
All right, that's it.
Here we go.
This is Keith Mackenzie.
I need police assistance
on the tenth fairway.
I've got two trespassers. Over.
Police? You didn't tell me
this was illegal, Maurice!
The game's up, Maurice.
[SIGHS]
Oh, Cliff, you berk.
Right. Come on.
Out of the way!
Maurice! Come on!
What are you doing?
Come with me! Come on!
I've got two trespassers
coming your way.
Arrest them both!
Maurice!
I repeat. Arrest them both!
Maurice, come on!
Two trespassers.
One with a red shirt...
What are you doing?
...and a hat, black hair.
Get in! Hop in!
Hop in!
TONY:
And now I'm hearing
there's been an altercation
with an official.
And Gerard Hoppy,
the Frenchman,
I believe
has commandeered a vehicle.
[CHRISTOPHER CROSS'
"RIDE LIKE THE WIND" PLAYING]
Don't adjust the television,
this isn't the Keystone Cops.
This is actually happening.
Oh no.
Ride like the wind...
What are we doing, Cliff?
We're just making it worse.
OFFICER: Stop!
I don't know, Mol,
but you'll be all right.
I stole the clothes.
They can't get you for that.
You what? No, you--
You got them from your mate,
down the market.
There is no mate down
the market. I nicked them.
Whoa!
Wait, wait! Whoa! Whoa!
[BOTH SHOUT]
Shit.
Flipping heck.
CLIFF: Oh, Jesus.
Go on, get out.
I can't get caught, Mol.
Oh, bloody...
It's just a few clothes, Cliff.
No, you don't understand.
I done some things,
I done some really bad things.
I can't go back inside,
not now.
They'll throw away the key.
Jesus Christ,
what am I gonna do, Mol?
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]
Run. Just go
before I change my mind.
I never killed anyone, though.
I swear.
Don't believe everything
they say about me, Mol.
Gerard, I mean Gerard! Sorry!
OFFICER:
One's gone over the hill!
Tossers!
OFFICER:
Mr. Flitcroft, stop!
Stop right there!
I was nowhere in sight
When the church bells
Rang...
Mr. Flitcroft, stop running!
[FLASH BULB POPS]
[HANDCUFFS CLICKING]
TONY:
Now, I am hearing news
that Mr. Gerard Hoppy
is not in fact Gerard Hoppy.
I'm hearing
it's Maurice Flitcroft.
The so-called
"Phantom of the Open."
[]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
You wanted to see me,
Mr. Hopkins?
Now, Mike.
I want to show you something.
REPORTER [ON TV]:
This time Maurice Flitcroft,
a crane driver from Barrow,
was arrested by police
and is being held
at Southport police station.
The bail has been set
at a thousand pounds.
In other news--
We are in the middle
of trying to secure
the Trident deal.
And we got your dad
running around
taking the piss out of me.
I wouldn't
take it personally, sir.
Gerard Hoppy?
Yeah, well, I can see
what you mean, but--
We provide you with
a nice life here, Mike.
Nice clothes,
nice house, nice car.
Not bad for a little bastard
from Bankside, eh?
You gotta decide, Mike.
You're either his sort
or you're our sort.
You can't be both.
[]
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
ON RADIO]
[RADIO SHUTS OFF]
[LOUDLY]
Mike! Mike!
No need to shout, Maurice.
No, I'm not.
Hey, thanks, son!
I'll pay you back straightaway.
Don't worry about it, Dad.
[GULLS CAWING]
JOSIE:
Road sweeper.
Is that it?
Your options are limited.
Partly because
of the, uh, incident.
Mm.
I'm sorry.
Mm.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Those are unusual flowers,
you grow them yourself?
No, I picked them on the way in.
I shouldn't really, but...
No, you should.
Pick all the flowers you can,
while you're still young.
[]
MAN:
Oi, Maurice!
Get back on that course!
Don't let the bastards
get you down!
[CHUCKLES]
REPORTER [ON RADIO]:
...Middlesex beat
champions Yorkshire.
And there were wins
for Somerset,
Surrey and for Lancashire
and Warwickshire,
who meet in the Benson & Hedges
final on Saturday.
And finally, Joe Thornbush
has entered for this week's
British Open golf championship.
But the organizers believe
Mr. Thornbush may really be
Maurice Flitcroft,
the crane driver from Barrow
who scored 121
in a qualifying round.
Championship secretary
have kept a sample
of Mr. Flitcroft's handwriting
just in case he applied again.
[DOOR OPENS]
That's the news this evening.
From all of us, good night.
JEAN: Hiya.
Oh, smells nice.
Got another postcard
from the boys, look.
Look at that. Mochbar.
Moscow.
Moscow. Look at that.
[MUMBLES]
Dancing round the globe,
drinking a lot of vodka.
[CHUCKLES]
Lovely.
Moscow!
Postmark was from
two months ago, mind.
Two months ago?
Mm-hm.
What they been doing since then,
I wonder?
Don't know.
Great!
That's it then.
Unbelievable.
We really do enjoy
our work here.
We've been building
the brand for,
well, 15, 20 years and it--
GENE: Michael! Oi!
We do think it's--
Oi!
Hey, up!
Who are they?
GENE: Mr. Mustache.
Uh, they're just...
Don't worry, we don't know them.
If you just keep coming with us.
Michael!
MICHAEL: Keep-- Keep on coming.
Mike!
Excuse us. Excuse us.
Michael?
Who are these people?
Well, they're my brothers.
You're joking?
You get rid of them.
MICHAEL:
Yeah, I will.
Make it back for the dinner.
I know,
I'll get rid of them quick.
Sorry, one second.
Mike works at
a homeless charity part-time,
and he's just--
Just a couple of escapees.
WOMAN: Oh, I see.
He'll be back in a minute.
What you playing at?
What are you two doing here?
We went to the house
but there was nobody there.
Yeah, they had to move out.
Move out?
Yeah, it's not been great.
Can we crash with you?
No, you can't.
Where we supposed to stay?
I'll show you.
What are we supposed to do?
We've nowhere to go.
[RADIO PLAYING SOFTLY INSIDE]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
MAURICE:
It's the boys, Jean!
These are yours, I believe.
Come in, lads!
GENE: Living in a caravan?
MAURICE: Blimey,
the whole family
back together,
would you believe it?
I'll put heater on.
JEAN:
You wanna sit down, love?
You all right?
It's fine.
Well, what happened?
We thought you were on tour,
loves.
It got canceled.
MAURICE: Canceled?
Yeah, crowds got less and less.
JAMES: No one turned up.
GENE:
Yeah, it was like one minute
disco were alive,
the next it were dead.
Well, that's just, you know,
circle of life sometimes, boys.
Is that all you've got to say?
JEAN:
Well, what do you expect
us to say, Michael?
Well, how about sorry?
For what?
Well, you should have made
them get proper jobs.
Well, they're living the dream.
There's naught wrong with that.
Well, it depends
what the dream is.
They're world champions!
MICHAEL:
At what? Disco dancing?
They may as well be world
champions at tiddlywinks.
Look at the state of them.
"The Fantastic Flitcrofts"?
The fantastic failures
more like.
MAURICE:
They aimed for the stars.
MICHAEL:
Yeah, and now
they're in the gutter.
Mike's right.
Maybe if we'd had
a different dad,
we'd have done better and all.
Reckon our dancing's about
as useful as your golf, Dad.
JEAN [SOFTLY]:
Boys.
[TEAPOT WHISTLING]
[STOVE CLICKS OFF
AND WHISTLING STOPS]
JEAN:
Maurice, what are you doing?
You all right? Love?
Love, where you going?
Just going out for a moment.
I'm all right.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Right.
You go and apologize
to your dad.
Now, please.
But he's not my dad though,
is he?
JEAN:
How can you stand there
and say that...
after all that he's done
for you?
Hey, no, no.
Everything I've done,
I've done myself.
He wanted me
to be a flipping astronaut!
He's made your life a misery.
Enough.
Mmm.
[]
JEAN:
When I was 17...
I got...
offered a job
to join a theater company.
Seven pound 50 a week.
Dream come true.
Whole life set up for me.
What happened?
I got pregnant.
I wanted to keep you, Michael.
No question in my mind
about that.
But, um...
nobody supported me.
Not my father, not my mother.
Not my friends.
I trained as a secretary
off my own back.
Set up the little theater
by myself.
I brought you up by myself.
And...
not a soul stood by my side
for a single second.
And then I met your father.
So don't you tell me
he's made my life a misery.
He's made my life.
He's made all our lives.
Now...
I'm going out there...
to look for him.
And I suggest
you come and help me.
I can't, Mom.
I've got a dinner that--
Oh, okay, Michael.
Well, never mind,
it's your life.
Come on now, boys.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[WIND WHISTLING]
[]
[SIGHS]
Maurice?
Maurice?
Jean?
Oh.
You all right, Pam?
Hey, you've not seen Maurice,
have you?
No.
No.
But here,
I've got some post for you.
Oh. Thanks.
Be bills.
Postmark from America, look.
Oh.
Willie, look at this.
[CHUCKLES]
Bloody hell.
Yeah.
Come on, we've gotta find him.
Thanks, Pam.
GENE:
Dad?
JEAN: Maurice?
JAMES: Dad?
Dad?
Maurice?
Mol?
JEAN: Maurice?
WILLIE: Mol?
Dad?
There you are, look.
There he is.
We're sorry, Dad!
Yeah!
We're really, really sorry!
Come down, love.
They didn't mean it.
None of them.
No!
They were right!
The world's not an oyster.
It's just a barnacle.
I see that now.
What are you talking about,
you bloody fool?
MAURICE:
I raised your hopes
too high, lads.
I'm sorry.
I should have known.
I were just letting you down.
I wouldn't be so sure
about that.
Why don't you come down
and read this?
We've got a plane to catch.
Dear Mr. Flitcroft,
my name is Terry Moore,
and I am writing to you
from Grand Rapids, Michigan.
You won't be aware of this,
but for ten years now,
we've held
the Maurice Flitcroft Trophy
in your honor.
You see this guy
[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]
This guy's in love
With you...
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
TERRY:
It's a day when the members
bring their families, and the
worst score wins, not the best.
[MOUTHS]
Go.
TERRY:
Such is the affection
that our members have
towards you and the trophy,
we would like to invite you
and your family over
for the ten-year anniversary
of the competition.
Sorry, Mr. Flitcroft said
he's not to be disturbed.
Oh, all right.
Well, uh, just make sure
that he gets this, all right?
Yeah, of course. Yeah.
I'm glad I got to know you
'Cause I've heard some talk
They say
You think I'm fine...
We'd like to offer your family
first-class tickets,
hotel accommodation and as many
golf balls as you can lose.
Maurice, we hope
you'll accept our invitation
and that you have
a pleasant flight here.
Yours, Terry Moore,
president,
Blythefield Country Club,
Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Tell me now, is it so?
Don't let me be
The last to know
My hands are shaking
Don't let my heart
Keep breaking
'Cause I need your love...
Maurice, I'm Terry Moore.
Oh, hello, Terry.
So glad you could make it over.
Welcome to America.
Pleased to meet you. Thanks
very much for having us over.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Say you're in love
In love with this guy
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Ah-ah-ah! What-- What you doing?
We're not finished.
I thought she was taking it
away. It's almost full. Sorry.
Save some room
for the desserts.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Flitcroft, it's showtime.
Okay, stay calm.
Ah. To my office please.
Thank you.
Mike, come on.
[PHONE RINGING]
Mike.
DICK:
Finally, the moment
we've all been waiting for.
Maurice Flitcroft will tee off
at his own tournament
here at Grand Rapids.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Thank you, Mr. Flitcroft.
You have given us
much to think about.
Excuse us a moment.
[CLIENTS WHISPERING
INDISTINCTLY]
Excuse me, Mr. Flitcroft.
We have just one question more.
We were just wondering,
are you related, by any chance,
to Maurice Flitcroft,
the crazy golfer?
No, no, no.
It's a-- That's a really
common name around these parts.
He has nothing to do
with Michael.
He's a different class
of person.
Yes. I am.
He's my father.
Maurice Flitcroft is my dad.
[]
An honor to meet you.
[LAUGHS EXCITEDLY]
We are big fan of your father.
He's the only golfer
who's worse than my boss.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Yeah. Well, we're all big fans
of Maurice 'round here.
He used to work here,
don't you know, eh?
Can we meet your father?
Would he play golf with us?
Yeah, I think
he'd like that a lot.
[ALL LAUGH]
Great.
What a great opening drive.
220 yards,
straight down the middle.
Have they got
the real Maurice Flitcroft?
[CHUCKLES]
Whoa!
MAURICE: Sorry!
No, I think that's him.
You okay?
Be good to me
You could set me free
Come on, set me free
We could dance
'Neath the pale moonlight
Feeling good tonight
Feeling good tonight
[CHILDREN LAUGHING]
[BOY BLOWS RASPBERRY]
We're staying here, brother.
Read my mind, mate.
Yeah?
Read my mind.
Some satisfaction
Is what I've been
Searching for...
Great dancers.
You see, I'd just thrown away
the junior club championship
with a three putt from 15 feet.
I went home,
and I said to my dad,
"That's it, I'm giving up golf."
I went to my room,
switched on the TV
and saw Maurice Flitcroft
hit four putts from 10 feet.
I went downstairs
and said to my dad,
"I take it back.
Maybe it wasn't so bad."
[CROWD CHUCKLES]
Next year, I'll be playing
at the U.S. Masters in Augusta
for winning
the U.S. Amateur Championship.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you, Maurice Flitcroft.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
[]
"Practice is
the road to perfection."
Wonderful speech.
Thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT]
So, mm...
Uh, go--
Golf is a game where you can
play well and score poorly,
or play poorly and score well.
But-- But my game was
never like that.
Uh, I-- I played poorly,
and I scored poorly as well.
[ALL LAUGH]
But, uh, if I can inspire
just one person,
like this very talented
young man,
well, that's a hole in one,
isn't it?
That makes the whole thing
worthwhile. Good luck to you.
And keep practicing.
Good luck to you.
[]
Uh, s-so...
uh, thank you.
I'd like to thank Terry Moore
and all the members of the club
paying an enormous
amount of money, I expect,
to bring Jean and I
and the family
over here for this week.
But whatever you paid,
the airline still lost
all our luggage,
so thanks for the clothes
as well.
[CROWD CHUCKLES]
Well, there's so many people I
want to thank while I'm up here.
Uh, I'd like to thank my sons,
James and Gene,
the Fantastic Flitcrofts,
who you saw dancing
on the floor a little while ago.
And I'd like to thank
my son Mike.
And I'd like to thank
Lloyd Donovan,
a journalist who's been
documenting my ups and downs.
But there's one person that--
Uh, that I've never thanked
publicly.
I don't--
Actually, I don't think
I've ever even thanked her
privately.
Uh, so tonight, I'd very much
like to thank me wife, Jean.
If life were a cup of tea,
my Jean is the sugar.
Without it, it's unbearable,
just chuck it away.
But with it, it's like--
It's like heaven on earth.
She...
She's a magician, she is.
She's a magician.
She's the light of my life,
and I don't know
how I'd cope without her.
I love her very, very much.
WOMAN: Oh...
[SNIFFLES]
To Jean.
[ALL CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Ta, Dad.
Ta.
That's caviar, there.
It is.
Maurice.
Champagne and caviar?
Yeah.
Travel the world?
Yeah, travel the world,
like I said.
Yeah, just like you promised.
Shame about the diamonds,
but there you go.
I'll forgive you that.
Oh, that is a shame.
Wait a minute.
My heart.
Oh, Jean, it's rattling some.
Me old heart.
Well, what's that?
What have you done?
Oh, Maurice...
Come right out of my heart.
Where'd you get that?
Cliff sent it me
from his mate down the market.
So maybe don't wear it
in public.
It's beautiful. Thank you.
[CHUCKLES]
I meant it.
I know.
Thank you.
DICK:
So, Maurice,
any more goals,
as far as golf is concerned?
Oh, well, maybe
Sports Personality of the Year.
I'm surprised I haven't
been nominated for that.
Something going on there.
There's a conspiracy against me.
It's kind of not fair, is it?
No, it's sport.
It's all about sport, isn't it?
I mean, for every winner of a
tournament, there's 149 losers.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, that's a wonderful way
to leave the interview.
Thanks.
Maurice Flitcroft,
the Phantom of the Open,
thank you.
Thank you.
And cut.
Thank you, Maurice.
May I get my tea, now?
Oh, my gosh, I forgot.
Uh, can someone get
Maurice his tea?
RUNNER: I'll get it right away.
Was it six sugars?
Six.
You know, a lot of pros
here in the States,
they get invited to play
in the Open and they don't go.
Why not?
Well, uh, it's a long way,
it's expensive.
I got a buddy who's a pro up
in Frenchmen's Creek in Florida.
and he's not going
because he doesn't like
the weather in Scotland.
Heh, can you believe that?
Really?
Oh, yeah.
What's his name?
[THE SOUL CHILDREN'S "PUYOUR WORLD IN MY WORLD" PLAYING]
Everybody got a world
They're living in, girl
I wanna take you
I know I can't make you...
TONY [ON TV]:
Welcome, once again,
to the first round
of qualifying
for the British Open.
We got players here
from all around the world.
They've got Japanese,
Australians,
players from France,
Germany, Spain, you name it.
A very smooth-looking
American there, I think.
[CHUCKLES]
All coming
to our little island,
hoping to end up lifting
that famous Claret Jug.
We can be together, baby
We're the best of two worlds
Greenkeepers have been
out in force today.
The course is
looking spectacular.
So without further ado,
let's get out on the course.
STARTER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome on the tee,
from Frenchman's Creek,
Florida...
[CHUCKLES]
...Gene Pachecki.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
So it stands to reason
People fussin'
All the time...
Come on, come on, come on.
Jesus, come on.
I know you understand
[CLEARS THROAT]
That you're gonna be
My woman
Baby, I'm sure
Gonna be your man
Isn't that Maurice Flitcroft?
Yeah
All you've got to do for me
Is put your world
In my world, oh-oh
Put your plans in my plans
We can be together, baby
We're the best
Of two worlds
[LAUGHS]
Ow! Ow!
Ooh, ooh, ooh
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
Girl, you've got my soul
Can I have your mind?
Oh, baby, look here
But you can make
My whole world better
Just put your world
In my world
Put your plans in my plans
We can be together, baby
We're the best of two worlds
DICK:
Well, Blythefield Country Club
is in the midst of
its 10th annual Flitcroft
member-guest golf tournament,
an event named
after Maurice Flitcroft.
Maurice Flitcroft,
a crane driver from Barrow--
DICK:
Do you wanna go on?
Are you looking, maybe,
at the Hall of Fame?
FLITCROFT:
The Hall of Fame,
and back home,
maybe Sportsman of the Year.
You know, I'm surprised
I've not been invited
or nominated for that,
Sports Personality of the Year.
I mean, you know,
there's something going on.
You know, there's a conspiracy
being waged against me.
[JIMMY JAMES' "A MAN LIKE ME"
PLAYING]
I won't spend my life
On a shelf
I need you, my baby
And nobody else...
Just to explain to those
who don't know much about golf,
what you're gonna do now,
is you're gonna putt,
as if you were on a green,
you're gonna aim
for this thing.
This is quite dramatic,
isn't it?
Oh, that was a nearly.
ANNE: Ah, not quite.
A lot of pressure.
Shouldn't speak when
a golfer's about to putt.
TOM: No, you shouldn't.
Oh, sorry.
MAURICE:
Need practice shots
to get used to the green.
This is not going too well,
is it?
No, I think
this floor's sloping.
And I just can't stop
Wanting you
Keep pinchin' myself
To see if it's true
Oh, pretty baby
Pretty baby
You know you drive me crazy
DICK:
You know, a man of your stature
and, uh, your accomplishments
on a golf course,
we can't leave you
without some tips
for duffers like myself.
Person picking up
a golf club for the first time,
what would be your advice?
My advice? Well...
um, practice.
That is the road to perfection.
Regular practice.
Like me
Uh-huh
Needs a woman like you
When I'm home
When I'm home
Wear my ring
Wear my ring
Be my woman
[]
[]
[]
TECHNICIAN: One, two.
[]
DICK:
We're gonna start very soon,
Maurice. Sorry for the wait.
MAURICE:
Don't worry yourself.
RUNNER:
Can I get you anything?
Coffee?
MAURICE: Do you have any tea?
RUNNER: We have tea.
MAURICE:
Just a cup of tea.
Thanks, love.
Milk, six sugars, please.
RUNNER: Six?
MAURICE:
Yes, six, please. Thank you.
TECHNICIAN:
Can you give me
some levels, Maurice?
MAURICE: Some what?
Uh, talking.
Can you just talk to me?
MAURICE:
Has the interview started?
'Cause I just ordered some tea.
TECHNICIAN: That's perfect.
MAURICE: Eh?
DICK: Okay. We good?
CAMERAMAN: We're rolling.
MAURICE: Haven't got my tea.
DICK: All right, then.
We're good to go
in three, two, one.
I'm here with a legend
of the golfing world.
A man who has broken records
and rewritten the history books.
Maurice Flitcroft.
[SNEEZES, THEN SNIFFS]
Bless me.
You made your name
in the British Open in 1976.
Now, why did you choose
that particular tournament?
Well, uh, more
it chose me, really.
I-it was a calling.
You Americans might call it
a destiny.
And it was an unlikely destiny,
wasn't it?
Because you were working
as a crane operator
at the time, am I right?
Yes, when I took up
the game of golf in, uh, 1975,
I was working full time
as a crane driver,
or operator, as you would say.
So, well, tell us about
the young Maurice Flitcroft.
Did you dream of becoming
a sportsman as a child?
I... I had dreams,
but, uh, you know, where
I come from, Barrow-in-Furness,
it's a small world.
Put it like that.
[]
The only job options
for a lad like me was the yard.
Shipyard.
"Shipyard fodder,"
they used to call us.
My dad worked there
and his father before him.
You go in on your feet.
You come out in a box.
Oh, as a child,
I did have ambitions,
of course.
That I might do,
you know, something else.
But any dreams I had tended
to end up in pieces.
When the war came,
I was sent to live
with a very nice family
in Scotland.
Things were
very different there.
They'd say things like:
What do you want to be
when you grow up, young Maurice?
Probably just be
in the shipyard like me dad.
Och, you can be anything
you want to be!
The world is your oyster.
I read books.
I learnt languages.
I played the violin.
I played to
a very high standard, actually.
[PLAYING POORLY]
Never mind, Maurice.
Practice.
Practice is
the road to perfection.
Or I would have done
if the war hadn't ended,
but it did.
So I was soon back in Barrow.
Ended up shipyard fodder
after all.
[CHUCKLES]
DICK:
And it was at the shipyard
that you met your wife Jean,
right?
MAURICE:
Yes, I did.
I used to apply for other jobs.
I tried
lots of different things.
And she'd let me use the post
in the office for free.
She was very kind to me.
[TYPEWRITER DINGS]
In the evenings she ran,
like, a theater group
for wayward kids.
We got on like a house on fire.
Pretty soon,
I popped the question.
Jean Patterson,
will you marry me?
I promise I'll give you
champagne, caviar, diamonds.
We'll travel the world
together--
Stop.
Turns out she had a kid.
Michael.
Out of wedlock and all,
which was a big deal
in those days.
They call him all sorts
at school.
"Son of a whore."
"Little bastard."
MAURICE:
Kids can be cruel.
That's the teachers.
So he never knew his dad?
No.
Never even met him.
As far as he knows,
he doesn't have a dad.
Well, he does now.
Heh, all of a sudden,
my own dreams,
well, they were put on hold.
Because we were a family now.
I had to help Michael
find his dreams.
Well, take your pick, son.
World's your oyster.
That's for me.
Racing driver.
Astronaut. How about this?
Do you fancy a trip to the moon?
No.
Engineering?
Yeah.
Want to read my book?
What do you think?
Does it go there?
Put it the other way round.
Mikey got a degree.
Ended up a manager at the yard.
I always fancied
a pop at academia myself,
but pretty soon,
we had not one,
but two more mouths to feed.
Gene and James, twins.
They loved disco dancing.
Even won the school cup.
As for me own dreams, well,
by now they were...
They were a distant memory.
But I made my peace with it.
Then came the summer of 1975,
and, well, everything changed.
[]
Mom, just have
a look at the microwave.
I prefer my own one,
that's all.
It's gas, Mom. Gas ovens
are basically mini-bombs.
Out.
Well, it's not gone off yet
so I think we're all right.
Can you lot shut up?
Get out of the kitchen.
Thank you.
[ROLLS LIPS]
GENE: Oh, yeah.
JAMES: Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey! Stop doing your
stupid dancing near the new TV!
It's not stupid dancing!
Get out.
We're professional
disco dancers.
That's not a job.
[SCOFFS]
Dad, tell him it's a job.
It is a real job,
isn't it, Dad?
Good a job as any.
How do you switch this on?
I've told you before, you've
got to use the remote control.
Get out of that. Come on, Mike.
This top is Gabicci!
Oh, it's Gabicci!
I said, can you pipe it down
in there, please?
Quiet, boys!
Mike, watch this.
Can you do that?
You use that
to change the channels.
It's got loads of them.
How many?
Three.
Blimey.
You can use that from anywhere,
providing that the lead
reaches that far.
Why can't you just use
the switches on the side?
Gabicci, baby
Yeah, but why would-- Get off!
Why do you have to use
the remote?
[BARKS]
Why can't you just use switches?
You can, but what's the point
when you got that?
I might be standing by--
Shut it!
[WHINES]
Dinner is served.
REPORTER [ON TV]:
Now you can see
we've left Newton
and we're chugging
across the Atlantic.
The spacecraft is shown
by this--
MICHAEL:
Look, don't quote me
on this, but...
well, it's top secret.
The, uh... The yard's
gonna be nationalized.
Government's taking over.
Oh.
And Hopkins has put me
in charge of the changeover.
Well.
Good for you, son.
He must have
a lot of faith in you,
giving you a big job like that.
Yeah, I suppose.
But it could be bad, Dad.
There's gonna be
a lot of redundancies
when the ax falls.
I mean, a lot.
MAURICE:
They need you, he says.
So that's good.
What about you?
Oh, well.
I'll get another job
if it comes to it.
What job?
I don't know.
There's always the bins.
[CHUCKLES]
Come here.
I'm doing--
Maurice.
What is it?
Sit down.
Hey.
I knew a young man once.
Said he was gonna be
a somebody.
Promised me
diamonds, caviar, champagne.
"Travel the world," he said.
Sounds like
you should've married him.
[BOTH CHUCKLE SOFTLY]
I know you've made sacrifices
for us, Maurice.
You don't have
to look after us anymore.
It's your turn now.
For what?
Well, it's up to you, isn't it?
Can't think of everything.
[]
[MEN LAUGHING]
What we got today, then, Mol?
Cheese and pickle.
Oh-ho, yeah.
What?
It's my favorite, that is.
WILLIE:
Maurice, we've been
hearing rumors
there might be some business
going on in the yard.
You heard anything?
Look, I-- I shouldn't be
telling you lads, it's secret.
But, uh,
it's being nationalized.
What does that mean?
Redundancies. Lots of them.
So if I were you, I'd get
looking for something else.
Shit.
I see it as an opportunity,
actually, really.
You know, why not?
What we got to lose?
Seek and thou shalt find
and all that.
Willie, there must be something
you've always wanted to do.
If you could do anything
in the world, what would you do?
I don't know.
What do you like doing?
Mm...
Drinking Guinness.
[WILLIE LAUGHS]
MAURICE:
Well, open an Irish pub.
Your own Irish pub in Barrow.
Cliff, you can go back
to your old job.
What old job?
Said you did a bank job once.
Right, yeah.
Um, well, that's a--
Heh, that's a young man's game,
that is, mate.
Oh, come on, lads.
We're in the prime of our lives.
Shouldn't be talking like that.
[GULLS CAWING]
[MAN CHUCKLES]
MAN:
Yeah, I know. Yeah, I might
go to the pub later on.
JEAN:
I'm going up now, love.
What are you doing?
I've gotta finish this flipping
nun's habit before I turn in.
Well, don't be too late.
You'll hurt your eyes.
MAURICE:
Well, it has to be done.
Night.
Night.
Night, love.
[STATIC HISSING]
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]
[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
I believe that the job you do
is fundamental
to the future of Britain.
ANNOUNCER:
Newton from the bunker.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
And now to Watson.
[CROWD GROANS]
Just misses on the right.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
So if he can just get this in.
[CROWD CHEERS, WHISTLES]
It's all on this
to equal Watson's score.
[CROWD EXCLAIMS, APPLAUDS]
The title goes to Tom Watson.
On his first appearance
at this tournament.
[]
The new champion.
Tom Watson.
What a dream come true.
[WIND WHISTLING]
Whoa!
[LAUGHS]
Whoa!
[LAUGHS]
Whoa!
[GASPS]
So there we have it.
What an image to end on.
Tom Watson
with the famous Claret Jug.
I hope you'll join me,
Tony Marsh,
and the rest
of the commentary team
for the Dunlop
British Masters...
JAMES:
Dad.
You all right, love?
We heard screaming.
Where is it?
JEAN:
What you looking for, love?
Hmm?
[THE DRIFTERS'
"YOU'RE MORE THAN A NUMBER
IN MY LITTLE RED BOOK" PLAYING]
Ow!
Oh, oh, yeah, yes
You're more than a number
In my little red book
You're more
Than a one-night thing
All I had to take me
Was just one look
My heart began a-thumpin'
Babe, you had it jumpin'...
MAURICE:
Golf.
Golf?
Aye, golf.
BOTH:
Golf?
Saw it last night
on me new telly.
Going to have a crack
at the British Open.
Ten grand if you win it.
[CHUCKLES]
Ten grand? Bloody hell.
How do you go about getting
in the British Open, then?
I don't know. That's what
I've got to find out.
Bartender, beautician, busses.
Sorry, there's nothing here
about the British Open.
That's disappointing.
Maybe you could ask someone
at your golf club?
No, I'm not a member of a club.
Okay.
So do you know anyone
who has anything
to do with golf?
No.
Hang on.
Yes, I do. I do!
You're more
Than a one-night date
All I had to take me
Was just one look
My heart began a-thumpin'
Babe, you had it jumpin'
'Cause you're more--
JEAN: Fingers.
JAMES: Right, next.
What is a par?
Par is the optimum amount
of shots
you should take
on any given hole.
So for example, on a par four,
the optimal amount of shots
is four.
JAMES:
Correct.
What is a birdie?
MAURICE:
That is one shot under the par.
So for example, par four, three.
Uh, and a bogey?
Bogey?
I know that one, Dad.
Answer's one of these, mate.
Wow.
Oh, they're even better
than I thought.
So shiny, aren't they?
Mm.
These were the cheapest ones
and all.
Really?
Look.
Crikey.
Number 19.
[GASPS]
Need to be a millionaire
to play this game.
You should see
what the clothes cost.
Really?
Might get Cliff onto it.
...from a Maurice Flitcroft
in Barrow-in-Furness.
Dad! You're on telly!
And he says...
No, what?
..."I was wondering
how I might go about
getting into
the British Open Championship
as I quite fancy lifting
the old Claret Jug."
Well, Maurice,
all you have to do
is write to the Royal
and Ancient Golf Club
at St. Andrews in Scotland and
they'll send you an entry form.
But remember,
ask your mom and dad
before you use
all their stamps and things.
Always warms my cockles
when we get letters
from keen youngsters
like little Maurice.
[BOTH SNICKER]
MAURICE:
Left arm perpendicular
to the sternum.
Head at 30 degrees.
[WHINING SOFTLY]
Knees flexed at 20.
[MUTTERING]
[GROANS]
[DOG BARKING]
What are you playing at?
Sorry!
Flipping heck!
I don't owe you anything?
No.
For all this?
No. No.
I got all this and all this from
my mate John down the market.
You got this too?
Yeah, yeah.
Suede.
It's good stuff, innit?
Hat's perfect.
[LAUGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
[SPEAKS IN LATIN]
You what?
Clothes of the gods, Cliff.
Oh.
Well, he only gets the best,
does Jim.
I thought it were John.
John. John. Yeah, John.
Yeah, good lad, John.
These sandwiches look nice,
Jean.
Love.
Love, can you stop worrying
about what you look like?
Got to finish
filling in this form.
Mmm.
What does that mean, handicap?
That must be me ailments,
I suppose.
Like your false teeth?
Lumbago.
Touch of arthritis.
Shall I put that down?
Aye, put that down.
Hello.
You all right, lads?
[COINS JANGLING]
Here you go, Dad.
Get a load of that.
What's that?
Money so you can practice
on a golf course.
Yeah, we got it dancing
on high street.
Honestly, should've seen it.
They were chucking it at us.
That's incredible.
What do you hope to achieve?
You know,
with this dancing, like...?
Money.
Birds.
Oh. "We're all of us
in the gutter
but some of us
are looking at the stars."
Who said that? Oscar Wilde.
[MOUTHS] Oscar Wilde.
What do you think
he meant by that?
CLIFF:
Don't sleep in the gutter!
[LAUGHS]
Aim for the stars.
I mean, isn't there a trophy
or a world cup or something?
Yeah, think so.
Well, enter it!
Go and win it!
But what if we lose?
Doesn't matter.
At least you can say you tried.
That's the main thing.
There's more to life
than money, boys.
Ain't that right, Cliff?
Yeah.
Though, having said that,
money is flipping handy.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Especially if you play golf.
Yeah.
Cheers!
You're welcome, Dad.
Thanks.
Look at that, Jean!
Hang on a minute.
It's heavy.
It says...
"Don't need a handicap
if you're professional."
Well, just cross out
that other stuff.
Tick "professional."
Make things easier.
Professional?
Mm-hm.
You sure?
Listen,
you didn't see me practicing
this morning.
I am a whisker away.
All right.
[WHISPERS]
A whisker away.
[]
[MEN CHATTERING SOFTLY]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
[LAUGHING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
STARTER [ECHOES]:
Please welcome on the tee,
Maurice G. Flitcroft.
[CROWD CHEERING LOUDLY,
APPLAUDING]
You all right down there,
old boy?
Oh. Yes.
Hello, gents.
Are you in the right place,
old chap?
Yes, I'm here to join the club.
And I see you're a three ball.
If you care to make it a four,
I'm available.
Happy to join.
Uh, we're, um--
We're waiting for someone.
MAN:
Yes. George.
George Green.
Actually,
thanks for the offer, gents.
But, uh, on second thought,
I think I'd prefer to play
on my own today.
I hope you don't mind.
Maurice Flitcroft.
Good luck, gents.
[SOFTLY]
Tossers.
Flipping people.
Snobs.
Bloody--
Excuse me, sir!
Hello, there.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Bruce Atkins,
the steward of the club.
Oh, hello, Bruce. I--
I'm Maurice.
How may I help you today,
Maurice?
I'm here to join the club,
please.
I see.
Well, that's fine.
But there is
a procedure to follow
to get entry to the club.
Procedure?
Yes.
First you must be recommended
by a committee member.
Then you must play a round
with two members
to ascertain your level
of skill, etiquette, et cetera.
Then your application
will be forwarded
to the members committee,
whereupon, if accepted,
you'll be placed
on the waiting list.
How long's the waiting list?
Currently two years.
Oh, that's no good.
Really?
No, I'm playing
in the British Open.
The British Open?
So I'll just play a round now.
Very well.
That'll be five pounds.
Five pounds?
And you'd need to buy
some regulation golf shoes.
I'm afraid
we don't allow work boots.
How much are the shoes?
Ten pounds.
With the green fee,
that makes a round 15.
Do you have 15 pounds, Maurice?
[BIRD CALLS IN DISTANCE]
[SOFTLY]
Here he is.
Maurice G. Flitcroft.
Only requires par for victory.
Hey! Get off the golf course!
What you doing?
Hey! Ooh!
[CHUCKLES]
You cheeky sod!
Oh, flip! Left me balls!
Are you deaf?
Tosser!
Go on!
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYS]
Hands in your pockets.
JEAN: Maurice?
Yeah, it's not bad, is it?
[DOOR CLOSES]
JEAN: Bloody hell.
[BAG THUMPS]
I thought golf was supposed
to be relaxing, love?
So did I.
What's happened, Dad?
Oh, I'm...
I'm giving up on the Open, son.
No. No, you're not.
I am, love.
I said you're not. Not until
you've opened this. Go on.
I feel like dancin'
Dancin'
Dance the night away
Yeah
I feel like dancin'
Dancin'
Aah-ah-ah-ah
Quarter to 4
In the mornin'
I ain't feeling tired
No, no, no, no, no...
I said television
is the only way
to keep up
with the Americans.
Prestige counts for nothing
if you can't see it.
And what did they say?
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Excuse me,
Mr. Mackenzie, sir?
Yes, Jenny.
Again, what can I do for you?
Sorry, sir. I just want
to show you this application.
I'm not sure what to do with it.
Oh, good Lord.
Well, I mean,
he's ticked professional,
so--
But I just wonder
whether it's real.
Whether what's real?
Whether he really is
a professional.
Why would someone say they're
a professional when they're not?
Well, to get into the Open.
[SCOFFS]
I don't think anyone's gonna be
stupid enough
to do that, my dear.
No, that would be
very stupid indeed.
[SINGERS VOCALIZING]
I'm in.
I best get Cliff
to get me some new golf shoes.
[ALARM CLOCK RINGING,
THEN STOPS]
[THE FOUNDATIONS'
"BUILD ME UP BUTTERCUP" PLAYING]
[TEAPOT WHISTLING]
[GULLS CAWING]
Practice is the road
to perfection.
Why do you build me up
Build me up
Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down
Let me down
And mess me around?
And then worst of all...
[GROANS]
Flipping heck.
[WHINES]
Can't see a flipping thing.
I need you
I need you
More than anyone
Darlin'...
Fore.
So build me up
Build me up
Buttercup
Don't break my heart
"I'll be over at 10"
You told me time and again
But you're late
I wait around and then...
Oh-ho!
Hey, that was a good one.
I think.
Mike.
Hey, Dad. What you doing here?
Hello, son.
This your new office, is it?
Yeah.
Come on, then, give us a look.
Not a great time. We got
some big deals going down.
Oh, big deals? Heh.
Want a ciggy?
No, no, no. You're okay.
Son, I might, um... I might
need a couple of days off,
uh, next Thursday, Friday.
Can you swing it?
Yeah, yeah,
I'll see what I can do.
I think I might've
found myself a new job,
you know, like you said.
Ah, great, Dad.
It-- It is great.
It's quite exciting, actually.
I'm entering the British Open,
you know, the golf thing.
Really gonna go for it. I think
I'm pretty good, actually.
Dad, sorry, I've got to go.
But that's good, Dad.
Well, it's good
to have your support, son.
Go on. Get your deals. Go on.
Okay, I'll see you later.
All right.
Ah, Mike.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Mike Flitcroft.
Be fine.
It's not gonna fit.
Oh, yeah.
Gene?
It's aluminum,
so it'll bend, won't it?
Oh, bloody hell.
Very nice.
Shit.
Lovely.
Just-- It's all right.
It's fine.
Well done, Gene.
Can you help instead of judging?
We ready, lads?
Yeah, fine. Yeah, all good.
Yeah, ready.
We're just putting it in the--
No, no. I'll--
Here. Come here.
That's all fine.
Here you are.
Yeah?
Now, look at that.
Just remember,
know whatever happens,
no one can say you didn't try.
[]
You got your sandwiches.
Sandwiches.
Aha. Good.
Made plenty there for the--
Thanks, Mom.
I got it.
Don't eat them all
on the journey.
No.
Oh, no, no.
Come here, you.
[SOFTLY]
Good luck.
I love you.
Mmm.
GENE: They're still going.
[GIGGLES]
Come on, come on.
No, put me down.
Go on, you'll be late.
Get going.
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]
I know. I love you too.
I'm gonna get some claret
for that jug on the mantelpiece.
Do it.
I'll get onto it.
Bye, love.
JAMES: Yeah.
JEAN:
Love you.
[ENGINE STARTS, PUTTERING]
TONY:
The sun is shining this morning
at Formby Golf Club
on Merseyside,
where, in a few minutes' time,
the new stars
of the golfing world
will take their first steps
to claiming
the historic Claret Jug
and a check for 10,000 pounds.
Join us here in about an hour
for what promises to be
a tournament to remember.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh!
[CHUCKLES]
You practice on the beach
and all?
Uh, sorry, my English, uh--
Oh, no. Um...
[IN SPANISH]
Ah, s.
[IN SPANISH]
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, the bunkers.
Heh-heh, s.
Um, Maurice. Maurice Flitcroft.
Severiano Ballesteros.
You what?
Oh, s, Seve, Seve. Hmm.
Uh...
[IN SPANISH]
Uh-huh.
Uh...
You know what I mean?
[IN SPANISH]
[CHUCKLES]
Watch out, Seve.
Yeah.
[IN SPANISH]
[]
[CROWD CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Thank you.
Right-o, son.
What's first up?
Uh, first hole.
Um, 460 yards,
trouble left and right.
Four hundred and sixty yards.
Par five?
Par four.
Par four.
I reckon take a driver,
get it right up there.
Give us a chance
going at the green.
No. I've been a bit wild,
you know,
just of late, with my driver.
I'll take-- I'll take my 4-wood.
I never miss with that.
Yeah. Okay.
Um...
Um, sorry, Dad.
There's no 4-wood.
You what?
I must have left the 4-wood
in the car.
It's fucking James' fault.
I did tell him.
No, no.
All right, all right, son.
It's all right.
I'll take my driver.
Mind your language
on the course.
Yeah, sorry, Dad.
All right?
[FEEDBACK OVER MICROPHONE]
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is game number 14.
Please welcome on the tee,
representing
Pontypool Golf Club, Wales,
and sponsored by Conway's,
Jim Howard.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
Fucking hell.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
STARTER:
Please welcome on the tee,
representing
La Boudin Golf Club, France,
and sponsored by
McGranger Sport,
Laurent Lambert.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
[MAN EXCLAIMS SOFTLY]
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
And finally,
please welcome on the tee,
representing Cumbria County
Golf Club, England,
and sponsored by...
Vi-Vickers Shipyard,
Maurice G. Flitcroft.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
[]
[WIND WHISTLING]
[BALL PLOPS]
[CROWD MURMURING]
Right, son. What we got left?
Uh, well,
hole's 460,
and what we gone? Uh, eight.
So, four five two to the pin.
Right. I'll take me three iron,
I'll just go for position.
Yeah.
[CROWD SNICKERING SOFTLY]
Great shot, Dad!
It's all right.
Yeah, that'll do.
[LOUIS ARMSTRONG'S
"WHEN YOU'RE SMILING" PLAYING]
When you're smiling
When you're smiling
When you're smiling
When you're smiling
The whole world smiles
With you
Smiles with you
And when you're laughing
Oh, you're laughing
Oh, you're laughing
Mm, and the sun comes
Shining through
Shining through
When you're crying
When you're crying
You bring on the rain
Stop your sighing
[CROWD GROANS]
Won't you be happy again?
When you're smiling
When you're smiling
Keep on smiling
Keep on smiling
And the whole world
Smiles with you
Let's go now, let's go!
Yeah, boy
Gene. Concentrate.
Yeah, I-- Yeah, I was.
Flipping heck.
Oh! You see?
[CROWD CHEERS, THEN LAUGHING]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
MAN:
Go on! Go on!
[CROWD GROANS]
All right?
Tony, it's Lloyd.
Yes.
Listen, I want everything
you can find
on a "Maurice Flitcroft."
F-L-I-T-C-R-O-F-T.
[CROWD GROANS]
Flitcroft.
Half time scores, please, gents.
Jim Howard?
Thirty-three. Roundabout.
Thank you. Laurent Lambert?
JIM:
Thirty-two.
Halfway there, Gene.
JOHN: Thirty-two.
And, uh, Maurice Flitcroft?
Sixty-three.
Sorry, say that again.
Sixty-three.
[WIND WHISTLING]
Good God.
We, in Scotland,
invented the game of golf.
The British Open is the oldest
golf tournament in the world.
The most respected
and prestigious.
And we must do all we can
to burnish that reputation.
So you can say that to your dad
the next time he spouts
any of that nonsense, okay?
Thank you for your time. Now--
[SOFTLY]
Maurice Flitcroft
has hit a sixty-three.
Sixty-three?
How the hell did that happen?
I've no idea.
Do the press know?
Not yet.
Good.
Let's bloody keep it that way.
Yeah.
[CROWD GROANS SOFTLY]
MAURICE:
I must say, that...
That was a bit disappointing.
Mr. Flitcroft. Keith Mackenzie,
secretary of the Royal
and Ancient Golf Society.
May I have
a word with you, please?
Oh, course, course.
Uh, here.
It's an honor to meet you, sir.
I'm very much enjoying the, uh--
You know, the championship.
Good. Good.
So are we, thank you.
However my colleague and I
were just wondering if you, uh,
might've had your fill of it,
so to speak.
I'm sorry?
We were just wondering
if you'd like to retire,
you know?
I'm not-- I'm not--
I'm not sure I follow you.
Heh, I'm sorry.
I must get to the next tee.
All right, Mr. Flitcroft.
Let me speak plainly.
We can all see
you don't belong here,
so why don't you just quietly
gather up your things
and let's not cause a scene,
shall we?
You know, there's one thing
I can promise you,
Mr. Mackenzie, and that is no.
No, I certainly
will not be retiring.
My swing's just about to,
you know, click in.
Uh, so if you'll excuse me,
I must get on.
[BILLY PRESTON'S
"NOTHING FROM NOTHING" PLAYING]
I must just thank
a Mrs. T. Holness
of Liphook Golf Club
for a most wonderful cake.
A Victoria sponge, no less.
Now, my producer's just handed
me a piece of paper.
[SCOFFS]
And either I need
a new pair of glasses
or there's something quite
extraordinary happening
out there on the course.
That's nothing.
Have you seen the new Audi 80?
Bloody hell.
Bloody hell.
She is a beauty.
Gorgeous, gorgeous.
TONY:
Word is,
he played the first nine holes
in a phenomenal 63 shots.
Oh, see, beautiful lines.
Clear lines.
I don't bloody believe it.
Boys, look who it is.
Who is it?
Some plonker who was here
not long back.
He said he was playing
in the British Open,
I thought he was having me on.
Good Lord.
His card reads
seven, nine, eight, ten,
there's a 12 there with
a question mark next to it.
[LAUGHS]
Not sure what that means.
Oh, there's a six. That's--
[ALL LAUGHING]
I think the authorities will
be wondering how this happened.
It says here his name is...
Maurice G. Fl--
Oi, what's got
into you, Flitcroft?
Sorry, I was just trying
to get a better signal but--
Ah! The snug, come on!
So Clarke leads by one
from Roberts
on this opening morning.
Now then, back to our intrepid
hacker on the 13th.
[ALL CHEER]
He's celebrating like
he just holed for a birdie.
But that was for a ten.
[ALL EXCLAIM]
That makes
for an astonishing plus 38.
I've never seen
a number like that before.
Now, back to the man
of the moment.
He's lost two balls
on this hole.
Which makes this
for a nine and...
That's in!
And the crowd go wild.
[RINGS]
Tony, what've you got for me?
A crane driver?
Where from?
Have you got an address?
Nothing from nothing
Leaves nothing...
[HOPKINS LAUGHING]
BRUCE: Stop, we got it.
Stop moving, Flitcroft.
Oh, dear.
That's his fourth shot,
and he's still
not out of the bunker.
At this rate he's gonna
end up in Australia.
Now, either somebody's slipped
some Spanish licorice
into my tea
or his caddy is
wearing basketball pumps.
They really are a pair
of bobby dazzlers.
How do I know him?
It says here, he's representing
Cumbria County Golf Club
in Barrow.
Well, if he's the best
they can do,
I wouldn't like to see
the rest of them.
And he has a sponsor,
believe it or not.
Vickers Shipyard
in Barrow-in-Furness.
I wouldn't like to sail
on one of their boats
if he's been building them.
The authorities
aren't going to like it,
but I can tell you right now,
the name of Maurice Flitcroft
will go down in history.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
It's, uh...
It's quite a common name. Mm-hm.
[]
What time is it? Huh?
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
Ah.
[CROWD APPLAUDING, CHEERING]
[MUTTERS IN FRENCH]
Look at this crowd, Dad!
Yeah. Must be doing
something right.
Well, let's, uh-- You know, give
them something to cheer about.
Four iron.
[SIGHS]
[]
Where is it?
[CROWD CHEERING LOUDLY]
[SIGHS]
Next to the flipping pin, Dad!
TONY:
Well, this fellow is
the story of the day.
Maurice Flitcroft,
on the last for a birdie.
It'll be a surprise
if this goes in.
Wait until you hear the roar
if it does.
Oh, and it misses
on the right-hand side.
It was a good effort.
This is for, I think, 119.
Ooh, that was not
a positive stroke.
[WALTER MURPHY'S
"COULD IT BE THE MUSIC" PLAYING]
[MEN GROANING]
It's getting
a little bit grisly now.
And hopefully
he'll put this in.
And he does!
That's 121. Remarkable.
[CHUCKLES]
Could it be the music
Ooh, double trouble!
That makes me
Rock and roll?
Maybe it's the music
Oh, yeah...
I believe that's called
the caterpillar, that move, eh?
Seen my grandson do that, heh.
Not on a golf course,
I must admit.
I'm afraid
with a score like that
he won't be coming back
tomorrow.
But whether you like it or not,
the day belongs
to Maurice Flitcroft.
Hello?
Hello, can I help you at all?
Oh, sorry. Uh, I'm looking
for Maurice Flitcroft's house?
Oh, well, you found it.
I'm Jean Flitcroft.
Maurice is my husband.
Maurice.
Lloyd Donovan, Sun newspaper.
Hello.
Wondered if you had any comments
on what your husband did
at the Open today?
Oh, how'd he do?
He shot 121.
It's the highest score
in major history.
Oh, that's good!
That mean he's won?
No. A high score is bad.
Is it? Oh, well.
Never mind, you've got
to start somewhere, ain't you.
Um, about to pop the kettle on,
do you want to come in for tea?
Want a biscuit?
Thank you very much, yeah.
REPORTERS:
Maurice. Maurice.
[FLASH BULB WHINES, POPS]
How does it feel to have shot
the worst round
in the history of the Open?
I don't feel the score
was a fair reflection
on me play, actually.
What score would be
a fair reflection of your play?
That's hard to tell. It's the
first round I've ever played.
What do you put
your bad score down to, Maurice?
Well, I'd say the main problem
with my game today
was that I left
my 4-wood in the car.
I don't mean to make excuses
but I'm deadly accurate
with my 4-wood. Deadly.
[REPORTERS CHUCKLING]
What made you enter the Open?
Was it a joke?
Well, I-- No, no.
No, it's no joke.
Well, I-- No.
Are you gonna try again
next year, Maurice?
Uh, yes. Yes, so, uh,
I'll be back next year.
I just need to practice.
Practice more,
a bit more and, well,
"practice is the road
to perfection,"
so if you'll excuse me, uh,
I'll see you next year, chaps.
WOMAN:
See you next year, Maurice.
MAN:
Right-o, Maurice.
You showed them,
didn't you, Dad?
Quiet,
quiet when you go in, lads.
Your mom must've gone to bed.
What you doing? Yeah, sorry.
Oh, still,
look at least you tried.
You know, that's
the main thing, ain't it?
Oh, yeah, that's right, son.
Enjoyed it, I did.
Yeah, good.
All right. I'll just...
Go in. I'll just get me things.
Okay.
[DOOR CREAKS]
ALL: Surprise!
[NOISEMAKER TRUMPETS]
MAURICE: Oh! Oh.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Flipping heck, you nearly
gave me a heart attack!
You didn't tell me, lads!
We didn't know either.
You didn't know? Willie!
She didn't tell us.
All right, Mol.
Aw...
Cliff. Oh!
Great, Mol!
Oh, look!
JEAN: Look, they did that.
Champion!
"Congratulations, Maurice.
Our champion." Well...
[CLIFF LAUGHS]
Oh...
And you are.
You did so well.
[SIGHS]
I wasn't quite as good
as I thought I was.
Hey, just your first time, love.
WILLIE:
You'll show them
next time around!
Well. Oh, next time, yeah.
Did the lads tell you
about the 18th?
I birdied it, nearly,
right on the green.
CLIFF: We saw it!
You saw it?
We saw it on the telly,
in the shipyard, yeah.
On the telly?
Quiche?
CLIFF: Yeah, d'you like it?
I don't mind it, quiche.
Yeah.
MAURICE: What are you eating?
CLIFF: They're twirls.
MAURICE: Twirls?
CLIFF: Twirls.
[ALL CHEER]
Get off me!
JEAN:
You all right, love?
Hey, Mike, you coming
for a snout?
No, no, you're all right.
Oh, did you see?
Yeah, I did.
Ah! Did you see the 18th,
where I nearly birdied it? Heh.
No, I must've missed that bit.
Well, I know the standard
wasn't ideal but--
Not ideal?
Well, what were you thinking,
Dad?
You've never
even played golf before.
I've never even heard you
mention golf in your life.
But I told you.
You've got to take
these things up at age 6,
you can't take them up at 46!
Well, who says?
Well, the world says.
Okay? Reality says.
Well, look what happened.
What? Well, I were
a bit nervous but--
MICHAEL:
Yeah, well,
you had every right to be.
Everyone at the yard's
gone hopping mad.
JEAN:
Well, what's he done to them?
This disparages
the name of the shipyard.
GENE:
What's "disparaged"
when it's at home?
Have you swallowed
a dictionary, Michael, or what?
Okay, you two.
Can you get out, please?
Nice.
MAURICE:
Well...
I'm sorry
I embarrassed you, son.
It's not me
I'm worried about, Dad.
It's you.
The redundancies are gonna
be decided this week.
Hopkins watched it as well.
He weren't best pleased.
Sorry, Dad.
[DOOR OPENS]
GENE: Bye, Mike.
Yeah, thanks for stopping by.
You off?
[DOOR CLOSES]
So sorry.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
JEAN: Drink?
MAN: I'll have one.
JEAN:
Yeah, lovely.
Get another round in.
[GUESTS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Love, if that's what he decides,
well, you know,
it gives you more time
to practice then, don't it?
Hey?
[DOOR CLOSES]
Oh, love.
Hiya.
There's someone
I want you to meet.
Hi, Maurice.
I'm Lloyd Donovan.
Sun newspaper.
Listen, uh, can I,
uh, get an exclusive?
Exclusive?
Yeah.
Aye. For a fee, you know.
Oh, of course, yeah.
Name your price.
[ABBA'S "MONEY, MONEY, MONEY"
PLAYING]
I work all night
I work all day
To pay the bills
I have to pay
Ain't it sad?
And still
There never seems to be
A single penny left for me
That's too bad
In my dreams, I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy man
I wouldn't
Have to work at all
I'd fool around
And have a ball
I want him barred!
I want him barred from
every club in the country!
Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man's world
Money, money, money...
Bruce.
Maurice.
I'd like to join, please.
I got the money.
And I got the shoes.
I appreciate the effort
you've made, Mr. Flitcroft.
But I'm sorry,
I can't accept this.
Why not?
We have orders
from Mr. Mackenzie.
Mr. Mackenzie?
Can I see that, please?
Golf club membership is
for amateurs only.
As I entered the Open
as a professional,
I can't join a club?
Correct.
He accepts here that
I'm professional, that's fine.
Professionals can play
on any course in the country.
Yes.
Great!
Simply show them
your Professional Golf
Association certificate
and away you go.
But I don't have one, Bruce.
There's no chance of me
even getting one
unless I belong to a club.
Like I say, I'm sorry.
[]
I consider this action
a gross betrayal
of me rights as a human being.
My human rights.
Is the British Open,
not by definition,
'open' to everyone?
Furthermore...
The British Open is indeed
open to all golfers,
providing they have achieved
a standard fit for competing
at a professional level.
My mother plays golf,
but would I want her eligible
for the British Open?
No. I certainly would not.
Of course, I wouldn't want
your mother to be eligible
for the Men's British Open,
but I would hope that
you would consider her eligible
for the Women's British Open.
Don't you think?
Good point.
Ought I to add sexism
to your list of crimes,
Mr. Mackenzie?
JEAN:
I like that a lot.
I now consider the tone
of your letters to be unbecoming
to my office and will therefore
cease replying to them
as of this correspondence.
[ANNOUNCER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
ON RADIO]
"Mr. Mackenzie feels
he has said
all he has to say
on this matter.
Apart from to remind you
that any unlawful entering
of a golf club is,
of course, trespassing."
Flipping heck.
You all right, what's that?
Yeah, no. Don't worry.
"He trusts this brings
this matter to a close."
You'll show them yet, love.
Hm.
Mmm.
Just need to make them listen,
that's all.
[DINGS]
[INTRO MUSIC PLAYS]
We've come outside
to the studio car park
to meet the man
who shot a world record of 121
at the British Open.
He is the world's worst
professional golfer.
No, I'm sorry. I don't--
I don't agree with that.
I'm not
the world's worst golfer,
and I'm willing to prove it.
Okay, great.
So we have set up
a little golf course
here in the car park.
Yeah, it's not a golf course,
it's a putting green.
Great. It's exciting, isn't it?
Oh, now, that was close!
That was just a practice shot,
you know, get the pace
of the green.
Yes, well, it has
been raining out here,
so it could be a little bit
damp. Couldn't it?
Oh! Now, you feel
that you should be let back
into the Open, is that right?
Yes, an 'open' championship,
you know,
should be open to everyone.
Uh, like the FA Cup, you know,
give the little teams a chance.
RORY:
Oh! Now, bad luck.
Uh, I think
this ground is sloping.
Well, uh, everybody does say
that this car park is
a bit lopsided, so...
Well, I think I'd best hand
back to the studio.
Thank you to the fantastic
Maurice Flitcroft.
The world's worst golfer.
No, I'm not
the world's worst golfer.
I don't agree with that.
Oh-ho-ho, good shot, Maurice!
Hey, it's really coming,
innit?
It's coming.
"Practice is the road
to perfection," you know.
Oh!
[DOOR OPENS]
In here, love.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Have I missed them?
No, nothing yet.
How was practice?
Was great.
Getting better all the time.
[RINGS]
Boys?
We did it!
We bloody did it!
National champions!
We're gonna make history.
The world final's next!
Oh, well done, lads!
Oh! Well done!
Where are the finals, love?
Freaking France!
You go have fun. I love you!
[LINE CLICKS]
They're gone. There.
Now shall we celebrate too?
Got some of that Babycham
in the fridge.
Yeah, we should celebrate.
Yeah.
I'll have a cup of tea,
please, love.
All right, love.
Have to do
some more practice later
to work on me putting.
Love.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
There was a slope
in that car park.
I could see it from here
on the television.
No.
I don't know what happened.
I got a bit nervous, maybe.
Love?
Got a bit of me migraine.
I don't know.
Oh...
Hey.
How d'you think that
Mr. Jack Nicholson
would have done, you know,
taking up the golf at 50?
Jack Nicholas?
Yeah.
No coaching,
not one lesson, eh?
Mm.
And having to practice
on a beach
with a bloody retriever
yapping at his ankles.
You think he'd have done
any better?
No, it's a good point, love.
But they still won't
let me...
Let me join, will they, so...
There's no point
in talking about it.
That right?
There's no point.
All right.
Hmm...
Well...
They might not
let you in, but, uh...
What about if you were
to enter as someone else?
Someone else?
Yeah.
Dashing Frenchman perhaps?
Bonjour.
[GIGGLES]
Jean, you're a genius.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Trs chic.
Bonjour.
STARTER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome on the tee,
from Paris, France,
Gerard Hoppy.
[CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
Okay, you've got this.
Your practice has
been sensational.
No one will guess it's you,
so just relax
and bring it home, Maurice.
Right. Again,
don't call me Maurice.
Ah, shit, sorry, Mol.
Or Mol, I'm Gerard,
Gerard Hoppy.
Got you.
[WALTER MURPHY'S
"A FIFTH OF BEETHOVEN" PLAYING]
TONY:
That's a nice opening drive
from the Frenchman,
Gerard Hoppy.
Yes!
Unusual swing, but, uh,
effective, it would seem.
Good shot, Maurice.
Gerard.
Gerard, shit, sorry.
[SHOUTS]
Shot, Gerard!
Merci beaucoup.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah!
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
And that's a steady start
for the Frenchman, Gerard Hoppy.
He's parred the first two holes.
I must confess I don't know
much about this fellow,
but he's a natty dresser,
I'll give him that.
This for a bogey
for the Frenchman.
And it's in! My goodness,
he rattled that one in.
[SIGHS]
[GIGGLES]
Who is this Gerard Hoppy?
I can't find him in the notes.
JOHN:
I've never heard of him either.
Merci. Merci.
KEITH:
Keep an eye on him.
Vive la France.
TONY:
And now, as the breeze gets up,
we join Gerard Hoppy
on the tenth tee.
Still going well.
Still going well
in his first qualifier.
Oh! And that's--
He's tweaked that left,
and it's in the bunker.
[CROWD GROANS]
Right, it's just a bunker.
Just remember your practice.
You've done this
loads of times, Mol.
What?
Oh, shit, sorry, Mol.
I mean Gerard!
Gerard. Shit!
Gerard, Gerard. Come on!
[GULLS CAWING]
[MAURICE BREATHING HEAVILY]
[CROWD GROANS SOFTLY]
[CROWD GROANS, THEN MURMURING]
CLIFF:
Hey, what's up, Maurice?
[IN FRENCH]
Please, stop calling me
Maurice.
Oh, shit, I'm sorry, mate.
It's Mackenzie,
he's spotted us.
Where?
He's up there.
No, no, no, he's behind us.
Behind--
Don't look back!
Don't look back!
Mr. Flitcroft.
Uh-- Oh, pardon, monsieur.
Je m'appelle Gerard Hoppy,
uh, merci beaucoup.
Oh, come on, Maurice.
I know it's you.
Hey! Stay back, pal!
No, this doesn't concern you.
Come with us, please, Maurice.
Hoppy, pardon,
je ne comprends pas.
Je m'appelle Gerard Hoppy.
J'habite en Paris, France.
Just going to the tee.
Mr. Flitcroft,
you look ridiculous in that wig.
It's not a crime
to wear a wig, is it?
He's got one, look.
Come on.
All right, that's it.
Here we go.
This is Keith Mackenzie.
I need police assistance
on the tenth fairway.
I've got two trespassers. Over.
Police? You didn't tell me
this was illegal, Maurice!
The game's up, Maurice.
[SIGHS]
Oh, Cliff, you berk.
Right. Come on.
Out of the way!
Maurice! Come on!
What are you doing?
Come with me! Come on!
I've got two trespassers
coming your way.
Arrest them both!
Maurice!
I repeat. Arrest them both!
Maurice, come on!
Two trespassers.
One with a red shirt...
What are you doing?
...and a hat, black hair.
Get in! Hop in!
Hop in!
TONY:
And now I'm hearing
there's been an altercation
with an official.
And Gerard Hoppy,
the Frenchman,
I believe
has commandeered a vehicle.
[CHRISTOPHER CROSS'
"RIDE LIKE THE WIND" PLAYING]
Don't adjust the television,
this isn't the Keystone Cops.
This is actually happening.
Oh no.
Ride like the wind...
What are we doing, Cliff?
We're just making it worse.
OFFICER: Stop!
I don't know, Mol,
but you'll be all right.
I stole the clothes.
They can't get you for that.
You what? No, you--
You got them from your mate,
down the market.
There is no mate down
the market. I nicked them.
Whoa!
Wait, wait! Whoa! Whoa!
[BOTH SHOUT]
Shit.
Flipping heck.
CLIFF: Oh, Jesus.
Go on, get out.
I can't get caught, Mol.
Oh, bloody...
It's just a few clothes, Cliff.
No, you don't understand.
I done some things,
I done some really bad things.
I can't go back inside,
not now.
They'll throw away the key.
Jesus Christ,
what am I gonna do, Mol?
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]
Run. Just go
before I change my mind.
I never killed anyone, though.
I swear.
Don't believe everything
they say about me, Mol.
Gerard, I mean Gerard! Sorry!
OFFICER:
One's gone over the hill!
Tossers!
OFFICER:
Mr. Flitcroft, stop!
Stop right there!
I was nowhere in sight
When the church bells
Rang...
Mr. Flitcroft, stop running!
[FLASH BULB POPS]
[HANDCUFFS CLICKING]
TONY:
Now, I am hearing news
that Mr. Gerard Hoppy
is not in fact Gerard Hoppy.
I'm hearing
it's Maurice Flitcroft.
The so-called
"Phantom of the Open."
[]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
You wanted to see me,
Mr. Hopkins?
Now, Mike.
I want to show you something.
REPORTER [ON TV]:
This time Maurice Flitcroft,
a crane driver from Barrow,
was arrested by police
and is being held
at Southport police station.
The bail has been set
at a thousand pounds.
In other news--
We are in the middle
of trying to secure
the Trident deal.
And we got your dad
running around
taking the piss out of me.
I wouldn't
take it personally, sir.
Gerard Hoppy?
Yeah, well, I can see
what you mean, but--
We provide you with
a nice life here, Mike.
Nice clothes,
nice house, nice car.
Not bad for a little bastard
from Bankside, eh?
You gotta decide, Mike.
You're either his sort
or you're our sort.
You can't be both.
[]
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
ON RADIO]
[RADIO SHUTS OFF]
[LOUDLY]
Mike! Mike!
No need to shout, Maurice.
No, I'm not.
Hey, thanks, son!
I'll pay you back straightaway.
Don't worry about it, Dad.
[GULLS CAWING]
JOSIE:
Road sweeper.
Is that it?
Your options are limited.
Partly because
of the, uh, incident.
Mm.
I'm sorry.
Mm.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Those are unusual flowers,
you grow them yourself?
No, I picked them on the way in.
I shouldn't really, but...
No, you should.
Pick all the flowers you can,
while you're still young.
[]
MAN:
Oi, Maurice!
Get back on that course!
Don't let the bastards
get you down!
[CHUCKLES]
REPORTER [ON RADIO]:
...Middlesex beat
champions Yorkshire.
And there were wins
for Somerset,
Surrey and for Lancashire
and Warwickshire,
who meet in the Benson & Hedges
final on Saturday.
And finally, Joe Thornbush
has entered for this week's
British Open golf championship.
But the organizers believe
Mr. Thornbush may really be
Maurice Flitcroft,
the crane driver from Barrow
who scored 121
in a qualifying round.
Championship secretary
have kept a sample
of Mr. Flitcroft's handwriting
just in case he applied again.
[DOOR OPENS]
That's the news this evening.
From all of us, good night.
JEAN: Hiya.
Oh, smells nice.
Got another postcard
from the boys, look.
Look at that. Mochbar.
Moscow.
Moscow. Look at that.
[MUMBLES]
Dancing round the globe,
drinking a lot of vodka.
[CHUCKLES]
Lovely.
Moscow!
Postmark was from
two months ago, mind.
Two months ago?
Mm-hm.
What they been doing since then,
I wonder?
Don't know.
Great!
That's it then.
Unbelievable.
We really do enjoy
our work here.
We've been building
the brand for,
well, 15, 20 years and it--
GENE: Michael! Oi!
We do think it's--
Oi!
Hey, up!
Who are they?
GENE: Mr. Mustache.
Uh, they're just...
Don't worry, we don't know them.
If you just keep coming with us.
Michael!
MICHAEL: Keep-- Keep on coming.
Mike!
Excuse us. Excuse us.
Michael?
Who are these people?
Well, they're my brothers.
You're joking?
You get rid of them.
MICHAEL:
Yeah, I will.
Make it back for the dinner.
I know,
I'll get rid of them quick.
Sorry, one second.
Mike works at
a homeless charity part-time,
and he's just--
Just a couple of escapees.
WOMAN: Oh, I see.
He'll be back in a minute.
What you playing at?
What are you two doing here?
We went to the house
but there was nobody there.
Yeah, they had to move out.
Move out?
Yeah, it's not been great.
Can we crash with you?
No, you can't.
Where we supposed to stay?
I'll show you.
What are we supposed to do?
We've nowhere to go.
[RADIO PLAYING SOFTLY INSIDE]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
MAURICE:
It's the boys, Jean!
These are yours, I believe.
Come in, lads!
GENE: Living in a caravan?
MAURICE: Blimey,
the whole family
back together,
would you believe it?
I'll put heater on.
JEAN:
You wanna sit down, love?
You all right?
It's fine.
Well, what happened?
We thought you were on tour,
loves.
It got canceled.
MAURICE: Canceled?
Yeah, crowds got less and less.
JAMES: No one turned up.
GENE:
Yeah, it was like one minute
disco were alive,
the next it were dead.
Well, that's just, you know,
circle of life sometimes, boys.
Is that all you've got to say?
JEAN:
Well, what do you expect
us to say, Michael?
Well, how about sorry?
For what?
Well, you should have made
them get proper jobs.
Well, they're living the dream.
There's naught wrong with that.
Well, it depends
what the dream is.
They're world champions!
MICHAEL:
At what? Disco dancing?
They may as well be world
champions at tiddlywinks.
Look at the state of them.
"The Fantastic Flitcrofts"?
The fantastic failures
more like.
MAURICE:
They aimed for the stars.
MICHAEL:
Yeah, and now
they're in the gutter.
Mike's right.
Maybe if we'd had
a different dad,
we'd have done better and all.
Reckon our dancing's about
as useful as your golf, Dad.
JEAN [SOFTLY]:
Boys.
[TEAPOT WHISTLING]
[STOVE CLICKS OFF
AND WHISTLING STOPS]
JEAN:
Maurice, what are you doing?
You all right? Love?
Love, where you going?
Just going out for a moment.
I'm all right.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Right.
You go and apologize
to your dad.
Now, please.
But he's not my dad though,
is he?
JEAN:
How can you stand there
and say that...
after all that he's done
for you?
Hey, no, no.
Everything I've done,
I've done myself.
He wanted me
to be a flipping astronaut!
He's made your life a misery.
Enough.
Mmm.
[]
JEAN:
When I was 17...
I got...
offered a job
to join a theater company.
Seven pound 50 a week.
Dream come true.
Whole life set up for me.
What happened?
I got pregnant.
I wanted to keep you, Michael.
No question in my mind
about that.
But, um...
nobody supported me.
Not my father, not my mother.
Not my friends.
I trained as a secretary
off my own back.
Set up the little theater
by myself.
I brought you up by myself.
And...
not a soul stood by my side
for a single second.
And then I met your father.
So don't you tell me
he's made my life a misery.
He's made my life.
He's made all our lives.
Now...
I'm going out there...
to look for him.
And I suggest
you come and help me.
I can't, Mom.
I've got a dinner that--
Oh, okay, Michael.
Well, never mind,
it's your life.
Come on now, boys.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[WIND WHISTLING]
[]
[SIGHS]
Maurice?
Maurice?
Jean?
Oh.
You all right, Pam?
Hey, you've not seen Maurice,
have you?
No.
No.
But here,
I've got some post for you.
Oh. Thanks.
Be bills.
Postmark from America, look.
Oh.
Willie, look at this.
[CHUCKLES]
Bloody hell.
Yeah.
Come on, we've gotta find him.
Thanks, Pam.
GENE:
Dad?
JEAN: Maurice?
JAMES: Dad?
Dad?
Maurice?
Mol?
JEAN: Maurice?
WILLIE: Mol?
Dad?
There you are, look.
There he is.
We're sorry, Dad!
Yeah!
We're really, really sorry!
Come down, love.
They didn't mean it.
None of them.
No!
They were right!
The world's not an oyster.
It's just a barnacle.
I see that now.
What are you talking about,
you bloody fool?
MAURICE:
I raised your hopes
too high, lads.
I'm sorry.
I should have known.
I were just letting you down.
I wouldn't be so sure
about that.
Why don't you come down
and read this?
We've got a plane to catch.
Dear Mr. Flitcroft,
my name is Terry Moore,
and I am writing to you
from Grand Rapids, Michigan.
You won't be aware of this,
but for ten years now,
we've held
the Maurice Flitcroft Trophy
in your honor.
You see this guy
[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]
This guy's in love
With you...
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
TERRY:
It's a day when the members
bring their families, and the
worst score wins, not the best.
[MOUTHS]
Go.
TERRY:
Such is the affection
that our members have
towards you and the trophy,
we would like to invite you
and your family over
for the ten-year anniversary
of the competition.
Sorry, Mr. Flitcroft said
he's not to be disturbed.
Oh, all right.
Well, uh, just make sure
that he gets this, all right?
Yeah, of course. Yeah.
I'm glad I got to know you
'Cause I've heard some talk
They say
You think I'm fine...
We'd like to offer your family
first-class tickets,
hotel accommodation and as many
golf balls as you can lose.
Maurice, we hope
you'll accept our invitation
and that you have
a pleasant flight here.
Yours, Terry Moore,
president,
Blythefield Country Club,
Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Tell me now, is it so?
Don't let me be
The last to know
My hands are shaking
Don't let my heart
Keep breaking
'Cause I need your love...
Maurice, I'm Terry Moore.
Oh, hello, Terry.
So glad you could make it over.
Welcome to America.
Pleased to meet you. Thanks
very much for having us over.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Say you're in love
In love with this guy
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Ah-ah-ah! What-- What you doing?
We're not finished.
I thought she was taking it
away. It's almost full. Sorry.
Save some room
for the desserts.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Flitcroft, it's showtime.
Okay, stay calm.
Ah. To my office please.
Thank you.
Mike, come on.
[PHONE RINGING]
Mike.
DICK:
Finally, the moment
we've all been waiting for.
Maurice Flitcroft will tee off
at his own tournament
here at Grand Rapids.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Thank you, Mr. Flitcroft.
You have given us
much to think about.
Excuse us a moment.
[CLIENTS WHISPERING
INDISTINCTLY]
Excuse me, Mr. Flitcroft.
We have just one question more.
We were just wondering,
are you related, by any chance,
to Maurice Flitcroft,
the crazy golfer?
No, no, no.
It's a-- That's a really
common name around these parts.
He has nothing to do
with Michael.
He's a different class
of person.
Yes. I am.
He's my father.
Maurice Flitcroft is my dad.
[]
An honor to meet you.
[LAUGHS EXCITEDLY]
We are big fan of your father.
He's the only golfer
who's worse than my boss.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Yeah. Well, we're all big fans
of Maurice 'round here.
He used to work here,
don't you know, eh?
Can we meet your father?
Would he play golf with us?
Yeah, I think
he'd like that a lot.
[ALL LAUGH]
Great.
What a great opening drive.
220 yards,
straight down the middle.
Have they got
the real Maurice Flitcroft?
[CHUCKLES]
Whoa!
MAURICE: Sorry!
No, I think that's him.
You okay?
Be good to me
You could set me free
Come on, set me free
We could dance
'Neath the pale moonlight
Feeling good tonight
Feeling good tonight
[CHILDREN LAUGHING]
[BOY BLOWS RASPBERRY]
We're staying here, brother.
Read my mind, mate.
Yeah?
Read my mind.
Some satisfaction
Is what I've been
Searching for...
Great dancers.
You see, I'd just thrown away
the junior club championship
with a three putt from 15 feet.
I went home,
and I said to my dad,
"That's it, I'm giving up golf."
I went to my room,
switched on the TV
and saw Maurice Flitcroft
hit four putts from 10 feet.
I went downstairs
and said to my dad,
"I take it back.
Maybe it wasn't so bad."
[CROWD CHUCKLES]
Next year, I'll be playing
at the U.S. Masters in Augusta
for winning
the U.S. Amateur Championship.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you, Maurice Flitcroft.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
[]
"Practice is
the road to perfection."
Wonderful speech.
Thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT]
So, mm...
Uh, go--
Golf is a game where you can
play well and score poorly,
or play poorly and score well.
But-- But my game was
never like that.
Uh, I-- I played poorly,
and I scored poorly as well.
[ALL LAUGH]
But, uh, if I can inspire
just one person,
like this very talented
young man,
well, that's a hole in one,
isn't it?
That makes the whole thing
worthwhile. Good luck to you.
And keep practicing.
Good luck to you.
[]
Uh, s-so...
uh, thank you.
I'd like to thank Terry Moore
and all the members of the club
paying an enormous
amount of money, I expect,
to bring Jean and I
and the family
over here for this week.
But whatever you paid,
the airline still lost
all our luggage,
so thanks for the clothes
as well.
[CROWD CHUCKLES]
Well, there's so many people I
want to thank while I'm up here.
Uh, I'd like to thank my sons,
James and Gene,
the Fantastic Flitcrofts,
who you saw dancing
on the floor a little while ago.
And I'd like to thank
my son Mike.
And I'd like to thank
Lloyd Donovan,
a journalist who's been
documenting my ups and downs.
But there's one person that--
Uh, that I've never thanked
publicly.
I don't--
Actually, I don't think
I've ever even thanked her
privately.
Uh, so tonight, I'd very much
like to thank me wife, Jean.
If life were a cup of tea,
my Jean is the sugar.
Without it, it's unbearable,
just chuck it away.
But with it, it's like--
It's like heaven on earth.
She...
She's a magician, she is.
She's a magician.
She's the light of my life,
and I don't know
how I'd cope without her.
I love her very, very much.
WOMAN: Oh...
[SNIFFLES]
To Jean.
[ALL CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Ta, Dad.
Ta.
That's caviar, there.
It is.
Maurice.
Champagne and caviar?
Yeah.
Travel the world?
Yeah, travel the world,
like I said.
Yeah, just like you promised.
Shame about the diamonds,
but there you go.
I'll forgive you that.
Oh, that is a shame.
Wait a minute.
My heart.
Oh, Jean, it's rattling some.
Me old heart.
Well, what's that?
What have you done?
Oh, Maurice...
Come right out of my heart.
Where'd you get that?
Cliff sent it me
from his mate down the market.
So maybe don't wear it
in public.
It's beautiful. Thank you.
[CHUCKLES]
I meant it.
I know.
Thank you.
DICK:
So, Maurice,
any more goals,
as far as golf is concerned?
Oh, well, maybe
Sports Personality of the Year.
I'm surprised I haven't
been nominated for that.
Something going on there.
There's a conspiracy against me.
It's kind of not fair, is it?
No, it's sport.
It's all about sport, isn't it?
I mean, for every winner of a
tournament, there's 149 losers.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, that's a wonderful way
to leave the interview.
Thanks.
Maurice Flitcroft,
the Phantom of the Open,
thank you.
Thank you.
And cut.
Thank you, Maurice.
May I get my tea, now?
Oh, my gosh, I forgot.
Uh, can someone get
Maurice his tea?
RUNNER: I'll get it right away.
Was it six sugars?
Six.
You know, a lot of pros
here in the States,
they get invited to play
in the Open and they don't go.
Why not?
Well, uh, it's a long way,
it's expensive.
I got a buddy who's a pro up
in Frenchmen's Creek in Florida.
and he's not going
because he doesn't like
the weather in Scotland.
Heh, can you believe that?
Really?
Oh, yeah.
What's his name?
[THE SOUL CHILDREN'S "PUYOUR WORLD IN MY WORLD" PLAYING]
Everybody got a world
They're living in, girl
I wanna take you
I know I can't make you...
TONY [ON TV]:
Welcome, once again,
to the first round
of qualifying
for the British Open.
We got players here
from all around the world.
They've got Japanese,
Australians,
players from France,
Germany, Spain, you name it.
A very smooth-looking
American there, I think.
[CHUCKLES]
All coming
to our little island,
hoping to end up lifting
that famous Claret Jug.
We can be together, baby
We're the best of two worlds
Greenkeepers have been
out in force today.
The course is
looking spectacular.
So without further ado,
let's get out on the course.
STARTER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome on the tee,
from Frenchman's Creek,
Florida...
[CHUCKLES]
...Gene Pachecki.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
So it stands to reason
People fussin'
All the time...
Come on, come on, come on.
Jesus, come on.
I know you understand
[CLEARS THROAT]
That you're gonna be
My woman
Baby, I'm sure
Gonna be your man
Isn't that Maurice Flitcroft?
Yeah
All you've got to do for me
Is put your world
In my world, oh-oh
Put your plans in my plans
We can be together, baby
We're the best
Of two worlds
[LAUGHS]
Ow! Ow!
Ooh, ooh, ooh
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
Girl, you've got my soul
Can I have your mind?
Oh, baby, look here
But you can make
My whole world better
Just put your world
In my world
Put your plans in my plans
We can be together, baby
We're the best of two worlds
DICK:
Well, Blythefield Country Club
is in the midst of
its 10th annual Flitcroft
member-guest golf tournament,
an event named
after Maurice Flitcroft.
Maurice Flitcroft,
a crane driver from Barrow--
DICK:
Do you wanna go on?
Are you looking, maybe,
at the Hall of Fame?
FLITCROFT:
The Hall of Fame,
and back home,
maybe Sportsman of the Year.
You know, I'm surprised
I've not been invited
or nominated for that,
Sports Personality of the Year.
I mean, you know,
there's something going on.
You know, there's a conspiracy
being waged against me.
[JIMMY JAMES' "A MAN LIKE ME"
PLAYING]
I won't spend my life
On a shelf
I need you, my baby
And nobody else...
Just to explain to those
who don't know much about golf,
what you're gonna do now,
is you're gonna putt,
as if you were on a green,
you're gonna aim
for this thing.
This is quite dramatic,
isn't it?
Oh, that was a nearly.
ANNE: Ah, not quite.
A lot of pressure.
Shouldn't speak when
a golfer's about to putt.
TOM: No, you shouldn't.
Oh, sorry.
MAURICE:
Need practice shots
to get used to the green.
This is not going too well,
is it?
No, I think
this floor's sloping.
And I just can't stop
Wanting you
Keep pinchin' myself
To see if it's true
Oh, pretty baby
Pretty baby
You know you drive me crazy
DICK:
You know, a man of your stature
and, uh, your accomplishments
on a golf course,
we can't leave you
without some tips
for duffers like myself.
Person picking up
a golf club for the first time,
what would be your advice?
My advice? Well...
um, practice.
That is the road to perfection.
Regular practice.
Like me
Uh-huh
Needs a woman like you
When I'm home
When I'm home
Wear my ring
Wear my ring
Be my woman
[]
[]
[]