The Portable Door (2023) Movie Script
(COMPUTER BEEPS)
(BUTTON CLICKS)
MAN: (FAINTLY) Where?
Where did you see it?
This way?
Did it go in here? In here?
(DOOR OPENING)
Ah, there it is.
(DRAGON CHIRPS)
(FOOTSTEPS)
Who closes the door,
keeps the door.
No... You can't do this.
- No!
- (SUPERNATURAL BLAST)
(FRENETIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(BELLS CHIMING IN DISTANCE)
MAN: What? No...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No, no...
Oh, bloody alarm!
(FRANTIC OPERATIC MUSIC)
(MUSIC PAUSES)
(SIGHS)
(MUSIC RESUMES)
(MUSIC PAUSES)
No!
(MUSIC RESUMES)
Neville!
(MUSIC PAUSES)
Kidding me!
- (MUSIC RESUMES)
- (TOASTER SPARKS)
(TOASTER CRACKLES)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MAJESTIC OPERATIC MUSIC)
MAN: Thank you.
(SQUELCH!)
What the...?
Oh!
Excuse me. Sorry.
Sorry.
(EXHALES)
Sorry.
Sorry, guys. Excuse me.
Sorry. Hi. Is this
the line for applicants?
- Join the queue.
- Oh, thank you.
Excuse me. Sorry. Are you
here for the barista job?
MAN: Paul? Paul Carpenter?
It is you!
(CHUCKLES) Thought
it wasn't you for a minute.
Here's me calling out
to a stranger.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
Monty Smith-Gregg.
Don't you dare tell me
you don't remember me.
- Um...
- You don't? Or you do?
I can't tell
with that funny face of yours.
You always had
that look in class.
I taught 18th-century Ethics
and History of Music.
- At King's.
- Oh, I didn't go to King's.
And other campuses.
I had long hair and a beard.
You used to sit next to Neville.
- Yes...
- Funny Neville.
With his weak knees.
Plus, I coached you
in football, Mr Forgetty!
This is such a coincidence!
You still got that shirt?
The one with the, uh...
Oh, what did it say?
I should go.
- How's your brother?
- I don't have a brother.
Anyway, must dash. I have
an interview, just like you.
Another coincidence!
- Bye!
- Bye.
Monty?
Oh...
(PHONES CHIMING AND CLICKING)
Oh, great...
- (DOG YAPS)
- Hey!
Wait!
(FRANTIC OPERATIC MUSIC)
Stop! Stop that dog! Hey!
(MUSIC STOPS)
(WHIMSICAL TINKLING MUSIC)
(MUZAK PLAYING FAINTLY)
Hello?
(MUZAK, INDISTINCT SPEECH ON TV)
MAN: (ON TV) ..Central
London organisation...
(INDISTINCT SPEECH ON TV
CONTINUES)
(EERIE MUSIC)
MAN: (ON TV)
With world's best practice...
(SPEECH ON TV CONTINUES
INDISTINCTLY)
Excuse me, but are you here
for the job interview?
It says 'applicants'
on the door, but...
this is an odd place
for a job interview.
I was actually supposed to
have an interview at a cafe,
which is interesting... mildly.
D-do you know what they do here?
Or what position...?
WOMAN: I'm sorry.
Is there something I'm doing
to make you want to talk to me?
- Pardon?
- I really need to focus.
Sorry.
Oh, of course. Yeah.
You should focus.
Oh, you... you're watching.
Maybe I... I should
just watch too.
MAN (ON TV):
We've always been there...
and always will.
Life at JW Wells
as a new recruit
is never dull.
On the contrary,
the jobs can be demanding
and often confronting.
We may not advertise
our services
and shout our name
from the rooftops,
but that is because
we do not need to.
Our reputation is already
well established,
which is why we can
hide in the shadows
waiting for business
to come to us.
Now you know a bit about
what we do here
at JW Wells and Company,
we hope you will join our team.
(MUZAK ON TV CONTINUES)
(WOMAN GIGGLING)
No, you were... you were
outstanding, my dear.
Mr Wells was very impressed.
- We all were.
- That's a relief.
He's a personal hero
of mine, you know.
Yes.
Oh, good luck!
Just have fun with it.
(SOFTLY) These other interviews
are just formalities.
The job is all but yours.
(EXASPERATED SIGH)
Paul Carpenter!
What...? M-me?
How does he know my name?
MAN: Chop-chop!
(PLODDING MUSIC)
So, what is it you do here?
We do what we can.
Right.
- (HUSHED CHATTER)
- (DOOR OPENING)
Mr Wells, ladies and gentlemen
of the board,
this is Paul Carpenter.
Well, I'm glad you found us.
The side entrance
is a bit tricky, but...
Apologies about the lobby
being renovated.
It's all to align with the 'new
dawn' of our great company.
You will be part
of that new dawn too.
- I will be?
- Well, you could be.
It all rather depends
on the next two minutes,
wouldn't you say?
- Right.
- Why don't you tell us
something about yourself, Paul?
Ah... there's not much to tell, really.
I've got four GCSEs
and two A-Levels.
I'm currently
between employment.
Single.
I live with a friend, Neville,
who hasn't paid rent
for 2 months,
but let's not hold
that against him,
even though it means we'll be
evicted unless I get this job.
Well, a job. It's highly
unlikely that I get this job.
Especially if I keep talking.
But I'd like it. Whatever it
is, it seems... interesting.
Anyway, yeah, that's... me.
And what makes you think you'd
be suited to this position?
I dunno.
Well, what made you apply?
Uh, coincidence, really.
Go on.
Well, my alarm didn't go off.
My trousers had a stain.
And my shoelace broke - twice.
A dog stole my scarf.
The toaster blew up.
I ran into someone
who taught me at university
although I don't
remember him at all.
And then I chased the dog,
and here I am.
- Any hobbies?
- Pardon?
What do you do
in your spare time?
Well, all my time is spare...
- really.
- Ah.
But I used to paint
model soldiers.
- WOMAN: Which period?
- Medieval.
I also did those fantasy ones.
- Trolls and goblins.
- Goblins?
I tried Napoleonic,
but they were too fiddly.
I see.
I don't do that so much now.
And what do you most admire
about the works of Chekhov?
Ah... (EXHALES) I dunno.
The way he says
"Course laid in, Captain"
is pretty cool.
But mostly he doesn't
get to do much.
- (GROANS)
- Chekhov, the playwright.
Star Trek.
Any languages?
Uh, French and German
at school, but...
I can't really remember
any of it now.
(SPEAKS IN GERMAN)
Sorry?
Casimir is asking you about
your social life, pumpkin.
(BANGS TABLE)
Pardon?
What are you looking at,
Mr Carpenter?
Oh, sorry.
Uh, it's nothing. It's...
You seem distracted.
It's just the wallpaper.
The cracks are a map of London.
The Tube.
And there's the M25.
There's Hyde Park.
As soon as you see it,
you can't unsee it.
It's like one of those
Magic Eye things.
Well, this has been a truly
forgettable experience.
Shall I see you out,
Mr Carpenter?
- That's OK... Sorry.
- Yes, I shall. Come on.
Well, thanks for
meeting you all.
Um, good to...
I mean, to meet you.
MAN: We heard it. Thank you.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(GROANS)
You...
Stay...
Stay.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Alright?
Oh, dear.
How is anyone supposed to
get a job in this town?
You should just go abroad.
You know, be a man of letters.
Paul Carpenter -
renaissance man.
Renaissance men usually have
more than 5 to their name.
Any ladies there?
No.
Liar. Spill.
(THUMP!)
PAUL: Neville?
- Hmm?
- What's going on?
Yeah, the couch is gone.
Yes, I noticed that.
I'm moving home.
- What?! Like, right now?
- I'm sorry. I just...
Just, do you ever feel like
you're not meant for
this kind of, you know,
work, rent, bills, bus,
Tube, bills, work, rent
kind of life?
Yes, of course, we all do...
I had this epiphany last night,
I thought, "Neville",
"why are you being
a slave to the system?"
"You know, go home,
go back to university,"
"just... never leave again."
PAUL: Right.
NEVILLE: And you know what?
As soon as I said it,
I just felt... free.
PAUL: Wow.
I'm really happy for you.
But where does that leave me?
NEVILLE: We're all individuals.
You are free to make
your own choices.
PAUL: Ignoring the fact
I don't have a job
and my parents
have moved to Florida.
- I can't believe this!
- I know, I'll miss you too.
No! How do I find someone
with zero notice?
NEVILLE: I'll pay for next week.
- PAUL: You're two months behind.
- Maybe you'll get...
(BREEZE BLOWING)
"JW Wells and Co"?
That's where my interview was.
But I didn't give them
this address.
"Dear Mr Carpenter,"
"Thank you for your smashing
interview at 9:43am today."
"It was a real highlight and we
were unanimously impressed."
"We are therefore thrilled"
"to offer you the position
of Paid Intern."
"It would be most agreeable
if you could make yourself"
"available for work
from tomorrow, 9am sharp."
"Please enter through the main
entrance at 70 St Mary..."
Bloody hell.
I got a job!
You see?
All works out in the end.
I got a job!
(ALARM BLARES)
(DRAMATIC OPERATIC MUSIC BUILDS)
(MAJESTIC OPERATIC MUSIC)
PAUL: Thank you.
(PHONES CHIMING AND BLEEPING)
(SOFT CHORAL MUSIC)
Mr Roden!
Referral, please.
Ew.
Suite 1409.
- (BELL BUZZES)
- (DOOR OPENS)
What's the matter?
Need help sitting?
Oh, I'm... I'm not...
Ah!
Hm?
Well, Rosie, what do we think
of the new lobby?
Oh, Mr Wells,
I was expecting to be pleased,
but this morning, when
I saw it for the first time,
my heart burst with
a new passion for my work.
I can't tell
if you're being serious.
I couldn't be more serious...
about the new lobby.
- Carpenter!
- Hi.
- Wearing a suit, I see.
- Mm.
Very nice.
Making an effort - tick.
Trying to be yourself -
bigger tick.
We're all a big happy family
here, aren't we, Rosie?
- Yes?
- One big happy family.
We're going to tear through
mountains together... Paul?
Paul. Ah, OK.
Well, I love
to tear... mountains.
(DOOR CREAKS AND CLOSES)
Paul Carpenter.
Last chance to change your mind.
(INTERCOM WHINES)
Mr Tanner,
the new intern's here.
TANNER: (ON INTERCOM)
No, she's here already, Mum.
Uh, I mean 'Rosie'.
Well, they're coming in
thick and fast
'cause there's another one here
with a clueless look
on his face.
I don't suppose
you could fill me in
on what this company
actually does?
TANNER: (ANNOYED) Carpenter...
I was hoping that you'd died.
Well, follow me.
- Chop-chop!
- Dennis!
Shirt.
Oh, yes...
Come on. Hurry up! Come on!
For God's sake...
No, not that way...
(DENNIS MUTTERING)
Why is the...?
(EXASPERATED) Ah, all this was
meant to be done by Christmas!
By Christmas!
Now... interns report to me,
and me only. Is that clear?
OK. Yes.
"Yes, Mr Tanner."
Now, JW Wells
is a highly respected firm.
Oops!
And we expect nothing less than
excellence from our employees.
- Is that clear?
- Of course.
"Of course, Mr Tanner."
Now, in return,
you will be working
for the most innovative company
in history.
Hup!
Don't panic.
All clear, no harm done.
With me, boy.
(TELEPHONES RINGING,
BUSTLING CHATTER)
DENNIS: Now listen
very carefully,
'cause really
all you need to know,
for centuries,
our distinguished firm, JW...
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Our distinguished firm,
JW Wells,
has performed a plethora
of invaluable services
for our clients, including...
- (HUBBUB DROWNS OUT SPEECH)
- I didn't quite hear...
temporal pausation
or advancement
and, of course, our signature
dish, which is coincidensation.
Now, we have never had
an unhappy client.
- Come on!
- (TYPEWRITERS CLACKING)
DENNIS: And we trust
it will remain that way.
If you decide to stay,
you arrive at 0900,
lunch is at 1300, tea 1500,
and pens down at 5 o'clock.
And I don't care how much
of a suckhole you are,
you never, ever stay
after hours.
- Is that clear?
- Yes.
- Mr Tanner.
- Thank you.
(TUBES SUCTIONING)
You look like the sort of chap
who owns a computer.
Do not bring it to work.
- Hurry along!
- (TUBES SUCTIONING)
They do not function
within these four walls,
and what is more,
they're common.
- Any questions?
- I just didn't quite hear...
No questions. Good.
You may be excited
about working here -
that would be a mistake.
You are the lowest of the low,
Mr Carpenter.
I can't think of anything lower.
Even the tiniest mites
that inhabit this grotty carpet
upon which we walk
are more important than you.
And, like the mites,
the less you are seen,
the longer you will last.
Right.
"Right, Mr Tanner!"
Mr Tanner.
Now... you'll be sharing
with the other new blob
of insignificance
that arrived today.
Oh. What other blob?
This one.
Sophie Pettingel.
She managed to get here on time.
Well, wait here. Maybe someone
will find you something to do.
Oh! Why don't you tell Sophie
about your last girlfriend?
Oh, that's right -
you've never had one.
(GUFFAWS WHEEZILY)
(SCOFFS)
That's not true, by the way.
I have had...
We never called each other
boyfriend and girlfriend...
The smell of coffee
makes me sick.
The what? Oh. Sorry.
Ah... Oh, that's hot. Very...
Ah...
(EXHALES)
Looks like
we're up for the same job.
Hm.
I'm pretty sure they've made
a mistake, actually.
All depends on what
they were looking for.
If it was inarticulate,
nervous gits
with little talent
or initiative,
they've struck gold.
With me... I mean.
Not you. You're obviously
talented and... not a git.
Do you have any idea
what they do here?
What was all those typists?
And the big map with the...?
There's a nice pub across
the street, which is good.
It's important, isn't it?
To have after-work drinks.
Or hitting-target drinks.
Or sales drinks.
Or, like... drink drinks.
My dad used to go to the pub
after work every day.
So did my mum, actually.
'Debeef' drinks.
Debrief 'dinks'. Drinks.
Debrief drinks.
Did you work anywhere
before this job?
Um, what kind of question
is that?
Oh, uh, I was just wondering if
all office jobs are like this.
You know, you sort of sit
and wait to be told.
Or maybe you could fill me in
on some work practices.
You know, like when to...
Go to the pub?
What? No.
Um... unless you want to.
But-but not in an
inappropriate way, of course.
If there's a way
to do it... if...
'Cause, I mean, I can't, and
don't want to, by the way, ask.
And neither do you
want to be asked,
or ask me, which is good.
We've got apps for that.
And I'm certainly not gonna
look for you on my app.
- I think you should stop now.
- Yeah, I think you're right.
(YELPS) SOPHIE: What?!
Shh.
(TROLLEY RATTLING)
(PAUL GASPS)
Did she try and kiss you?
- No.
- No.
Oh. Shame.
Did you see a baby dragon?
Job for you.
You are to go through these maps
and circle any sites
containing bauxite.
- Got it?
- And what about me?
You help him.
Oh. Look at you.
You're all red in the face.
First days, they're always hard.
But I'm here - hm? -
if you need a true friend.
(SNIFFS)
Mm.
Anyway, good luck.
So... bauxite is...?
It's a mineral.
They make aluminium
out of it. Listen, Peter.
- Paul.
- Don't take this the wrong way
but I'm not interested in beers
after work
or, "Hi, everyone, this is
my mate Peter from work."
- Paul.
- I'm part of a fast-track
program to
upper level management,
so we won't be sharing this
pokey little hole for long.
But while we are,
do you mind if we just...?
(RAPS DESK)
Yep. Sure.
Yeah. I was just...
checking about the bauxite.
(JAUNTY HARMONIC MUSIC)
(BELLS CHIMING)
Well, that was rewarding.
Didn't spot any bauxite,
did you?
SOPHIE: Coming?
So, what we thinking for lunch?
I could murder a pie.
Oh, I'm a bit of
a pie-murderer myself.
Actually, I might
just grab a coffee.
I thought you
didn't like coffee.
Why did I say that?
I hate coffee.
Sophie Pettingel!
I have a quick job for you.
You can come too if you like,
but don't do anything.
PAUL: I don't suppose
you could fill us in
on what this company
actually does?
This should be very simple. Ah.
That woman is Delia Bryson.
She happens to be sitting...
(HUFFS) Spelling is awful.
Right. Well, this seems to be
a little more complicated.
Delia is reading Atonement
by Ian McEwan.
Sophie, I'll need you
to watch her
and signal me
when she gets to the part
where Cecilia
jumps into the fountain.
- The what?
- I'll be on the other side.
Wait. You want me
to read over her shoulder?
Of course not.
That would be rude.
Just watch her from in there.
How are we supposed to know
what she's reading?
This is ridiculous.
(WHISPERED VOCALISING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC SWELLS)
(MAN GRUNTS)
- (WATER SPLASHING)
- (DELIA GASPS)
Oh, my goodness!
Are you alright? MAN: Yeah.
- Here.
- Oh.
- Oh... (CHUCKLES)
- Oh, thank you so much.
DELIA: Such a bizarre coincidence...
Very well done, Sophie.
His parents
paid a fortune for that.
Those two will think
it was meant to be
and hopefully tell the story
to their grandchildren.
But... so Sophie read her mind?
Sophie is a Seer.
A very rare breed.
That's why she's
in our fast-track program
and you, Paul, are not.
I suppose you'd call us
practical metaphysicians
or paranatural engineers.
In my department,
we hijack a client's instincts
or gut feeling just long enough
to influence a correct decision.
Sophie, I have
more clients for you.
Paul, you can go back to...
whatever it was you were doing.
- Maps.
- Fast-track.
(TRAFFIC BUZZING,
SIREN BLARING IN DISTANCE)
Bauxite...
Brilliant.
(LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
(LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
(LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
Carpenter!
You focus your eyes
on a point in the distance,
like you're looking
at the horizon.
Yep.
Now lift your hand
just off the map
so you can still feel it
but you're not actually
touching it.
(BARELY AUDIBLE
ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
Yep.
(ELECTRONIC PULSING)
WELLS: Yeah. Mm-hm.
Yeah, it's building.
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
- (WELLS EXCLAIMS)
That's the Quiver Point.
Come with me.
Countess took you on a mission?
Yes. Well, I didn't really
do anything, but...
Is that what you do here?
Make people fall in love?
Yeah, fall in love, divorce,
discover gravity, move cities,
invent combustion engines,
try a new cafe...
Careful with those!
We control their gut instincts.
If only for a few seconds.
But why?
Yes, exactly!
No credit.
Not nearly enough money.
Never any gratitude.
Why waste our precious time
helping ungrateful sods
who are just
going to die anyway?
(DOOR CLOSES)
(FOOTSTEPS)
We're on the brink, Paul.
On the edge of history.
We were just about to launch
Operation Fine Print -
the most audacious
influence campaign
ever undertaken -
when we hit a bit of a snag.
And now only you, Paul,
can put us back on track.
- Me?
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah, well...
Yeah, but you have
a unique talent.
You're more than just a Diviner.
I'm a... Diviner?
Your parents must be
so proud of you.
DENNIS: His parents? They're
barely even aware he's alive.
When he was six, his father
lost him at a funfair.
Took him 22 minutes to realise.
Their house
was hardly ever clean
because his mother
spent most of her time
having three affairs.
Dad had no idea.
Who was the third affair?
We don't get to choose
our parents.
Dennis's father looked
like a squashed toad.
My father was
a controlling egomaniac.
You know, he presented
as a warm and gentle leader,
but behind the scenes,
he was evil.
When I was 12,
he sat me down,
put a pen in my hand
and made me write a contract.
"I, Humphrey Wells,
promise very hard"
"never to betray my father."
"And if I do,
my soul will be his."
He kept that contract.
Never let it out of his sight.
It imprisoned me,
kept me silent,
forced me to be
the obedient, dutiful son.
It was his insurance policy
against me.
What kind of father needs an
insurance against his own son?!
We're very similar, you and I.
You think?
Mmm.
Undervalued. Underestimated.
(BLOWS NOSE)
I suppose, maybe, in that way.
Can I trust you,
Paul Carpenter of 57
Wrigglesworth Street, Nunhead?
Um...
I mean, I'm number 59,
but, yes,
I think you can trust me, yes.
I've lost something.
Something not only dear to me,
but immeasurably valuable.
Oh. That's no good.
Where did you last see it?
Well, that's irrelevant.
It's not a watch or a wallet.
It's one of the most powerful
and coveted items
ever to exist.
Oh. Right. Gosh.
The trouble is, it has
the ability to disguise itself.
Like an octopus.
It is not like an octopus.
(WHISPERS) Do you think
we have the right man here?
(MUTTERS)
I need you to find it, Paul.
It's somewhere in this
building. I know that.
But it will refuse to be found,
so you will have to pretend
that you're not looking for it.
Pretend I'm not looking for it.
Yeah, I put all my trust in you.
Because the thing...
the thing that I want
you to find... that thing...
It's a door.
Yes, thank you, Dennis.
It's a door. A portable door,
to be specific.
Portable...
You're not to share this
with anyone.
- Even your blossoming romance.
- Oh, we're definitely not...
You must find it. It's crucial
for Operation Fine Print
and the new dawn of the company.
Would you say everything
hinges on his success?
Yes, I would say everything
hinges on... his success.
Hm?
Find my door.
- OK.
- Good man.
How?
You have the gift.
Fate has brought us together.
This is your time to shine!
So... go shine.
And, Paul...
(BOTH SHUSHING)
(ENTRANCING MUSIC)
Just find the door. Easy.
Here, door! Come on, door!
Are you looking for something?
No.
You look like
you're looking for something.
Don't think so. No.
Not very sure of yourself,
are you?
Do you remember who I am?
Blank.
I'm Nienke Van Spee,
ASTP, KMCC.
- Paul.
- ASTP stands for
'Associate of the Society of
Thaumaturgical Practitioners'.
- Right.
- Say that with a lisp.
- (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
And KMCC
stands for 'Keeper of the
Magician's Code of Conduct'.
Which means you come to me
if you hear of
any illegal use of magic.
Have you? Heard of any?
How are you enjoying
the new job?
Oh, Sophie's a delight.
If you were
to buy her a present,
I would suggest
a small woollen scarf
or a good-quality torch.
And under no circumstances
should you kiss her
after eating licorice.
- Oh, we're not...
- She hates the stuff.
How are you finding Mr Wells?
He's a wonderful boss. Honest.
Eyes down here, pumpkin.
What you see is what you get
with Mr Wells.
No, there's... there's not
a thing I worry about
with Humphrey at the helm.
What are you looking at,
potato face?
Sorry.
Are you working
with him closely?
Not really. No.
Well, I hope
you get that chance.
He seems to really like you.
Which is bewildering to us all.
Bit of a turnip, aren't you?
You certainly didn't
get my vote.
Anyhoo, must toot.
Maybe you'll prove me wrong!
(BELLS CHIMING)
NIENKE: It's five o'clock!
Go home, Paul!
(DOOR CREAKING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(HOUSE CREAKING SOFTLY)
- (RAPID WHOOSHING)
- (YELPS)
Don't panic. It's just a dream.
- Who are you?
- I'm Casimir Suslowicz.
What are you doing
in my bedroom?
This is not your bedroom.
This is a dream of your bedroom
- that I am in.
- Why? How?
It's what I do. I find it's the
best way to get to the truth.
Truth?
Because we've all been wondering
why Mr Wells hired you.
I can find bauxite on a map.
- Are you...?
- Waiting for the truth? Yes.
This company got out of bauxite
107 years ago.
Why did he hire you?
I don't know what to tell you. Honestly.
I... I think he just saw
some real potential in me
- and he... he...
- (WHOOSHING)
W...
(PAUL GASPS)
What's wrong, Paul?
Foot hurting?
- (SHRIEKS)
- Why were you hired, Paul?
Not sure you can hear me.
(VOICE BOOMING) Can you
hear me now?
Why did he hire you?
(PANTS, GROANS)
- I can't say!
- I can do worse, Paul.
I can do a lot worse
now that I'm in here.
But it's just a dream, right?
(MOCKING) Oh, yes,
it's just a dream!
But things have real-world
consequences, Paul.
I could make you strip off,
go for a little sleepwalk outside.
You wouldn't!
I can make a little bit
of wee come out.
Quite a bit, actually.
OK! Alright!
(MUFFLED) He wants me to find
the portable door!
(WHOOSHING)
So...
Humphrey has lost
his portable door.
I don't know what it does.
I mean, why does he
want it so badly?
You know the saying
"There is only one way
to the Bank of the Dead"?
No, actually. W-what's the one
way to the Bank of the Dead?
Dying.
Well, it turns out
that's not entirely true.
There is another way.
(GASPS)
Bank of the what?
- (PHONE CHIMES)
- You're still dreaming.
Agh!
(PHONES CHIMING AND CLICKING)
(ROSIE CHATTERING AND LAUGHING)
I could just eat you up.
(CHUCKLES, KISSES)
Oh...
(SOPHIE CLEARS THROAT)
I love office supplies.
I always wanted
to be a Coincidator.
Is that what I am?
(COLDLY) "Is that what I am?"
- (INTERCOM BEEPS)
- She's here.
Right. Just pretend
you're not looking for it.
(FAINT CREAKING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
(FAINT ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
(FAINT ELECTRONIC PULSING)
(ELECTRONIC PULSING INTENSIFIES)
(LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)
"Goblins only."
- (DOOR OPENS)
- (GASPS)
DENNIS: Did I give you
permission to be down here?
(HURRIED FOOTSTEPS)
Let me think. Did I give you
permission to be down here?
No, I did not!
Sorry, Mr Tanner. I...
I thought it might be
a good place to look for the...
you know.
(WHISPERS) The what?
(WHISPERS) Portable door.
The portable door.
Rather a big project
for an intern.
How's it going, by the way?
Um... I think I'll be OK.
If I were you, Carpenter,
I would just give up now
because when you fail -
and undoubtedly you will -
there are no words to describe
what Mr Wells will do to you.
Oh, here's one.
Gut.
Another. Impale.
Marinate.
Oh, they're coming now.
Yes. Fry, poach...
- OK. Thanks.
- Peel, roast...
- I think I get the...
- Disembowel!
(MENACING MUSIC)
(CONTAINERS CLATTERING)
DENNIS: Get...!
I know this is probably
a stupid question,
but who's down there?
Goblins.
We've worked with them
for centuries.
They follow humans.
They watch you at night.
Steal from you.
Sabotage your day.
They're basically obsessed.
And we use that obsession
to arrange coincidences.
Ask the dry cleaner
if you can stick this poster
on their wall.
Her long-lost cousin
will come by in a few days.
SOPHIE: Excuse me. Hi.
Would I be able
to put this poster up?
- My friend lost her dog.
- Course, love.
SOPHIE: Thank you so much.
I really appreciate it.
Alright, you have a lovely day, yeah?
You too, bye.
I'm sure you've noticed. This
company is at war with itself.
Ever since John Wells
mysteriously - suspiciously -
disappeared,
things have changed.
It was the same day Dennis's
father, Arthur, disappeared.
Those two sons
are up to something,
and it's not just renovations.
We're not sure what or when,
we're not even sure why
he hired your scruffy friend,
but it's connected somehow.
I don't think he knows
why he's been hired.
I mean...
he's quite nice, but...
I can't really tell when he...
You're a jumble of a human,
aren't you?
You're very good
at reading people.
You could be a great Seer.
But you don't seem
to make sense inside.
It's like you have two
instincts fighting each other.
Is there something
I should know?
I am...
I don't think...
I guess I'm just...
as you say... a jumble.
SOPHIE: I don't know
what's happening to me.
I'm listening to jazz,
drinking coffee, which I hate.
I'm suddenly loving balloons.
I just don't know
who I am anymore.
DENNIS: That's fascinating.
Am I supposed to care?
SOPHIE: I want
to change my mind.
DENNIS: Well, too bad because
you signed the contract!
PAUL: Everything OK?
What?
It's 4:53.
Seven minutes
to leave the building!
I'm fine.
Coming?
Yep.
Sounded like a heated chat.
With Tanner?
Ugh, it was just a disagreement
about my employment contract.
- You're not leaving, are you?
- Starting to think I should.
That'd be awful. And sad.
Why?
(WHISPERS) 'Cause who
would protect you from...?
Exactly.
Just be glad
you're not a stapler.
I suddenly... really...
in my heart...
need...
liquorice.
You hate liquorice, don't you?
Yes, I did. But now I love it.
Mmm!
(WITH MOUTH FULL)
Mmm, it's so, um... liquorice-y.
(CHUCKLES)
(GAGS)
(COUGHS, RETCHES)
(COUGHS)
- Do you want to get a drink?
- Yes, please. (GAGS)
(MOODY SWING MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't know why I ate that.
How can anyone eat that?
I actually don't mind liquorice.
Yes, but you dress like
a 12-year-old accountant.
Really?
Sorry.
Listen... is everything OK?
Yep.
Fine.
I guess I just thought...
You'd be CEO by now.
Ha. Yes.
I don't know, I'm grateful
for the fast track
and the Countess, but...
what if the downside
isn't worth it?
Well, what's the downside?
Being miserable all the time?
I'm not miserable.
I'm ambitious.
You wouldn't get it, Paul.
You know, you're happy looking
at maps all day
and you don't need more.
I just, I wish I was...
Oh... my... God.
You are doing more.
- What?
- What you doing?
What? Nothing.
I can't say. It's... Nothing.
Mr Wells has me on a
special task. But I can't say.
It seems pretty important
to him, though.
'Cause I'm the only one who...
- You're the only one who what?
- I can't say.
OK.
Well, just so you know,
be careful.
Of what?
Of him. Humphrey.
He's not normal.
Oh, and Countess is just
your average office manager.
He's not gonna want something
for nothing, Paul.
Seriously, what's with all
the hating on Humphrey Wells?
He doesn't push
innocent people into fountains.
You're so naive.
We know there's more to this
- New Dawn than renovations.
- Who's 'we'?
Plus, Countess thinks he
disappeared his father.
- Well, where's John Wells?
- I dunno.
- Retired.
- Huh.
Just...
consider yourself warned.
Maybe you're jealous.
Maybe you can't handle the fact
that the CEO loves me
and not you.
Have you always been
this arrogant?
Maybe I'm on a super fast track.
A super fast track?
You're on a regular fast track.
The truth is hard to hear.
Believe me, you are not.
You fell into this job.
You weren't plucked from
obscurity by the CEO
because they can't find any
other middling-intelligent,
slightly good-looking English
boys in the city of London.
If the CEO is asking you
to find something,
it's because they don't know
what else to do with you.
(MOODY SWING MUSIC
CONTINUES PLAYING)
OK. Well, this was fun.
- Let's do it again.
- Yep.
(DOOR OPENS)
(ROSIE CHORTLES)
Here he is.
The date from hell?
What?
"Let's go for a drink
and yell at each other."
- Whoa, hang on...
- Not cool, Romeo!
(WHISPERS) Not cool.
Paul! Casimir Suslowicz.
We met at your interview.
Well, hope you're adjusting.
Must dash.
PAUL: Right.
Today's the day, Paul.
MONTY: Today is what day?
- I know you.
- I look like a lot of people.
Monty. We met
before my interview.
Who knows? Anyway,
turn around and go back up.
- I was just gonna look down...
- Well, you can't.
- Why not?
- I don't have those details.
All I've been told is "Don't
let anyone in the basement."
But there's just an old closet
down there.
- That's what I said - closet.
- You said basement.
- No, no, I said closet.
- You definitely said basement.
(WHISPERS) Please don't tell
Mr Tanner I said that.
Why not?
He's very creative
with his punishment.
You didn't teach me
History of Music
or coach football, did you?
No.
You were trying to make me
miss my interview.
Yes. As instructed.
I won't tell Mr Tanner
you said basement.
Oh, that's very decent of you.
If you let me go down there.
(ELECTRONIC PULSING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(UNEARTHLY RUMBLING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MOUSE SQUEAKS)
(MONKEY CACKLES)
(KRAKEN GRUNTS QUIZZICALLY)
(MUSIC STOPS)
- (LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
- (YELPS, GASPS)
(SINISTER MUSIC)
(ELECTRONIC PULSING)
- (LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
- (GASPS)
(SOFT GROWLING)
- (BARKS)
- Agh!
- (LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
- (GASPS)
(SHUSHING)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
(STAPLER THUDS)
(FAINT ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
(ELECTRONIC BUZZING
INTENSIFIES AND ABATES)
(LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING
INTENSIFIES)
(ANGELIC CHORAL MUSIC)
(ANGELIC CHORAL MUSIC SWELLS)
Found you.
(DOORKNOB TWISTING)
(DOOR CREAKING)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
HUMPHREY: (FAINTLY) Ladies
and gentlemen, my friends,
if I may get your attention.
Thank you.
What you're about to see -
and it's not exaggerating
to say this -
is going to change
the world forever.
(MUFFLED CHATTER)
HUMPHREY: See, for centuries,
we at JW Wells
have been in the business
of changing small lives
in small ways.
Absolutely lovely. (KISSES)
Now, this has always struck me
as an odd waste of our talents.
So when my father disappeared,
presumed dead,
I decided this was our chance.
Opportunity is right there
in front of us,
begging to be used.
(DOOR RATTLING)
HUMPHREY: We've always
provided a service
for our customers.
What if we make them serve us?
What if we make them
the product?
Mr Tanner,
let's have the guinea pig.
Gather round, please.
I have something to show you.
HUMPHREY: Sophie, just
a few more quick questions.
Any phobias?
Balloons, weirdly.
- HUMPHREY: Do you like coffee?
- Not at all, sorry.
Favourite music style?
I like loads of music,
just not jazz.
HUMPHREY: What do you think of
when I say the word 'liquorice'?
I actually almost gag.
This is my
fast-track interview...
OK, hold it right there.
After that interview,
we were able to influence
this young consumer.
SOPHIE: I don't know
what's happening to me.
I'm listening to jazz,
drinking coffee, which I hate.
I'm suddenly loving balloons.
I mean, I just don't know
who I am anymore.
(SNIGGERS)
(FORCED LAUGHTER)
HUMPHREY: Thank you, Dennis.
PAUL: Wait...
HUMPHREY: If we can do this
to a well-educated...
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
HUMPHREY: young,
strong-willed individual,
imagine what we can do
to the masses.
Your property prices
will skyrocket.
Your consumer base
will double, triple, quadruple!
Your Roger will win
his election in a landslide!
MAN: How are you doing this?
HUMPHREY:
With a simple binding contract
they don't even know
they've signed.
(WHISPERS) Door!
HUMPHREY: Just like Sophie did.
I will sell you
the will of the people.
(WHISPERS) Door!
HUMPHREY: I will
hand you their desires,
their gut instincts
on a silver platter.
Because here at JW Wells,
influence is...
DENNIS: Whoop.
HUMPHREY: Thank you, Dennis.
Influence is no coincidence.
(CROWD APPLAUDS)
(EXCITED CHATTER)
PAUL: "Knock, knock".
OK.
Knock, knock.
(DOOR WHOOSHING)
HUMPHREY: Why don't we do it
over some refreshments?
Mr Tanner? Dennis!
Supermarket!
(CHECKOUT SCANNER BEEPING)
(FRANTIC OPERATIC MUSIC)
NIENKE: Paul.
Are you being chased?
PAUL: Uh, no. Fine.
NIENKE: You're puffing
and you look spooked.
Ah, no, just...
just I'm keen to get to work.
So, anyway, thanks for...
Paul.
If you do find it,
this is who you come to.
Right.
(FRANTIC OPERATIC MUSIC)
Paul!
We need to clear the air.
I'm sorry about
what I said last night.
But I do think we are
fundamentally different people
and some people are not meant
to spend time together.
Hey! What the hell?
They're filming you. Us.
- What?
- You.
They're controlling you, Sophie.
What are you talking about?
He said something
about a contract.
I saw...
- I found it.
- Found what?
This.
(GASPS)
You found a towel?
Just watch this.
- Knock, knock.
- (DOOR WHOOSHING)
That's a door.
Yep.
Ready?
Supermarket.
This is not...
Something's gone wrong.
- MAN: (ECHOING) Hello?
- Who's that?
MAN: Wait there. I'm coming!
Please don't...!
Who was the voice?
"Announce your destination
before opening."
OK. My bad.
- Knock, knock.
- (DOOR WHOOSHING)
OK. S-s... um...
My flat.
See? Portable door.
This is your flat?
Yeah.
You're actually quite neat.
What...?
So it goes
wherever you want to go.
This has just become
the best job in the world.
Before you do that,
can we just...?
- Knock, knock.
- I have to tell you what I saw.
- Amazing!
- It was an interview with you.
- There were people watching...
- Come on!
THURSTON HARRIS:
Little Bitty Pretty One
SOPHIE: Come up here!
Whoa!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER
AND LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
We're on top of the world!
Close your eyes.
No - your ears.
Mm, mm-mm, mm, mm, mm-mm...
(SOPHIE CHUCKLES)
- Fiji?
- No!
- Jamaica?
- Warmer.
Little bitty pretty one
Come on and talk to me
Lovey dovey, lovey one...
Whoo!
Oh, oh, whoa-whoa, whoa-oh
Oh-oh-oh...
Really?
- Tell you a story...
- (SHRIEKS)
Happened a long time ago
Little bitty pretty one...
I'm busy this week.
You should be able
to handle these clients, yes?
Oh, oh, whoa-whoa, whoa-oh
Oh-oh-oh, whoa, oh, oh
Little bitty pretty one
Come on and talk to me
Lovey dovey, lovey one
Come sit down on my knee
Mm, mm-mm, mm, mm, mm-mm...
Look at that. Amazing.
It's so cool.
It is so beautiful here.
So, what's your favourite place
that we've been to?
My favourite place
that we've been to...
That's a really hard question.
I don't know.
Why do I always
have to answer first?
(PLAYFUL BANTER AND LAUGHTER)
(TENDER MUSIC)
PAUL: Did I mention I was
the South East Junior
Ballroom champion
three years running?
SOPHIE: You failed to actually.
PAUL: Three years, I'm serious.
SOPHIE: You hid it so well.
PAUL: I didn't want to show off.
SOPHIE: Don't be like that,
you're actually really good.
(WOMAN EXCLAIM IN ASTONISHMENT)
(WOMEN EXCLAIM)
I don't believe it!
(BOTH LAUGH)
(JOYOUS MUSIC)
ROSIE: Ooh!
(WONDROUS MUSIC SWELLS)
(PAUL EXCLAIMS)
PAUL: What if I told you
I can read minds now, too?
SOPHIE: (SCEPTICALLY) Really?
What am I thinking?
"Gosh, Paul is handsome
and interesting."
(SOPHIE CHUCKLES)
Maybe we should stay here.
Eh? Just eat fresh seafood
every day.
Yeah... Except I hate fish.
But you don't know yourself,
do you? Maybe you love it.
Or we could just take
the portable door for lunch,
somewhere different every day.
And we could build
a little house.
Over there.
I like you.
I really do, quite a lot,
which is weird
because you're such a...
But ever since I signed that
stupid fast-track contract...
I feel like they're in control
of that whole part of me.
My instinct and...
my heart.
I don't trust my own feelings.
I guess I don't know if what
I'm feeling for you is real.
Well, then we have to find
this thing that you signed.
Why?
We could reverse it somehow.
So then you'd know
who you really are
and how you really feel
about pies and jazz.
And especially...
liquorice.
But how do we reverse it?
Well, I dunno.
But we have to try.
- Knock, knock.
- (DOOR WHOOSHING)
(DOOR OPENS)
We should check
Humphrey's office first.
After work.
Interns!
There's a rumour going around
and I hope it's...
Why are you dressed like that?
- We're not.
- Theme party.
- Tonight.
- Last night. Uh... beach theme.
It was a good party.
So much fun.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Do you have any idea
what thin ice you are on?
I'm going to say this once,
and then you're on your own.
Fold it up, put it outside
Mr Wells's door,
walk away
and never, never come back.
And if you're lucky...
he'll be too busy
to bother killing you.
He knows.
But he didn't do anything.
He's right. Is he right?
We should leave.
We have to find your contract.
- And what? Rip it up?
- I dunno.
But we have to do something.
We'll come back tonight.
OK.
(BELLS CHIMING)
- Good evening.
- Goodnight.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(RHYTHMIC STOMPING)
(DOOR WHOOSHING)
(DOOR CREAKING OPEN)
(DOOR CLOSES)
SOPHIE: Didn't you say
'Humphrey's office'?
PAUL: I did.
SOPHIE: This is not
Humphrey's office.
Those are a lot of printers.
Door wanted us to come here.
So, what,
it has a personality now?
- (GASPS) Oh, shit!
- (GASPS) What is it?
It's gone.
Just... be careful.
(PRINTER WHIRRS)
(PRINTER WHIRRING)
PAUL: The last time I was here,
these printers
were all printing,
but I don't know what.
They're terms and conditions.
Those things you click 'agree'
but never read.
(PRINTER CONTINUES WHIRRING)
"Operation Fine Print."
Humphrey's mentioned that.
(DISTANT SCREAMING)
Was that a bad scream
or a good scream?
I'm hoping good?
I mean, they're all different.
This one's a gym membership.
This is a train ticket.
A rental agreement. But why
is JW Wells collecting them?
(EERIE MUSIC)
Maybe this is what I signed.
(LOW GROWLING)
SOPHIE: We have to
get to Humphrey's...
- (GUTTURAL SNARL)
- What was that?!
(DISTANT PATTERING)
I actually don't know.
(WHISPERS) Sophie!
(DISTANT SNARLING)
(FAINT CLANGING,
VOICES MUTTERING)
I'm happy to not find out
what that is
and just, you know,
stick to the plan.
(FAINT GRUNTING AND CLAMOURING)
We should at least look.
Should we, though?
One, two...
three!
(CLATTERING AND COMMOTION)
(FAINT HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)
(DISTANT VOICES
MUTTERING, HOLLERING)
(DIALTONE BEEPING)
(GUTTURAL MURMURING)
(DISTANT CLUNKING
AND CLATTERING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUILDS)
- Knock, knock.
- (DOOR WHOOSHING)
Humphrey's office.
(MENACING MUSIC)
PAUL: It's not listening to us.
(FAINT DRIPPING)
SOPHIE: "Ripae mortuorum."
"Bank of the Dead."
"One way."
That was in my dream.
He said something about that.
I think I saw that.
In the fine print.
Here. "Bank of the Dead."
"By clicking 'agree',"
"I consent to signing
my soul, my entire soul,"
"and therefore all desires,
instincts and needs,"
"over to JW Wells and Company"
"to be held in the Bank
of the Dead for perpetuity."
"Forever and a day. In
all territories and universes."
Operation Fine Print.
- Humphrey and Dennis.
- They're stealing souls.
They stole my soul.
And now Humphrey's
gonna control the instincts
of anyone who signs this
or clicks 'agree'.
I mean, that could be
millions of people.
(GUTTURAL SNARLING)
PAUL: (NERVOUSLY) Sophie?
Maybe we should...
walk over here.
Yeah?
Just walk.
Don't make any sudden moves.
(UNEARTHLY GROWLING)
Nothing to panic about.
Just over here.
Slowly. Slowly.
Go.
(GATE CLANGS SHUT)
This has to be the way out.
(STARTLED SCREECHING)
(GRUNTING) SOPHIE: Paul?
(SOPHIE SCREAMS)
(SNARLING AND GROWLING)
(SCREECHING)
PAUL: Sophie, go! Through here!
(SNARLING)
PAUL: Go, go, go, go, go!
(SNARLING AND CLANGING
CONTINUES FAINTLY)
PAUL: You OK? SOPHIE: Yeah.
Yeah. Are you OK?
Yeah.
DENNIS: Did I give you
permission to be down here?
Let me think. No, I did not.
Mr Tanner,
the whole place is crawling
with the most disgusting,
hideous things.
Now, that is truly offensive.
These things are the reason...
(FURIOUSLY) ..you are forbidden
to be down here after hours!
It's not as if
you weren't warned!
You're a Goblin?
DENNIS: Ha!
How kind of you to notice.
(SCOFFS)
You humans are so stupid.
I've looked out for you
your whole life, Carpenter.
If it wasn't for the Goblins,
you'd still be picking fleas
off each other's back
and clubbing your food to death
with a jawbone.
And yet you ignored
my simple advice.
Now...
hand it over.
HUMPHREY: Dennis! Enough!
Mr Wells!
I expected so much more
from you, Paul.
It's after hours, Mr Wells.
I have it under control.
Oh, what would you have done?
Drooled them into submission?
You greasy,
- thug-nosed parasite.
- Give me the bag.
- Call off your toads.
- How dare you!
- Call them off!
- I'm not afraid of you.
This is my domain down here!
(GOBLINS GUFFAWING)
Careful, Dennis.
You ought to think
very carefully.
A gutter-living Goblin
challenging a Great Wizard?
Now, Mr Great Wizard,
you'd be nothing without us.
Who would line up
your clients? Hm?
Who would do
your grunt work? Eh?
And what would you do?
No jobs, nowhere to live.
No unlimited supply
of delicious pigeons.
(DENNIS SHOUTS)
- (GOBLINS GASPING, GROANING)
- Turn them back.
- Turn them back!
- Knock, knock.
- The door.
- Say somewhere.
Say nothing!
Who closes the door,
keeps the door.
(BOTH GRUNT AND GROAN)
I tried to say somewhere
but Humphrey stopped me.
- MAN: (DISTANTLY) Who are you?
- (GASPS)
- MAN: Do you have it?
- We have to get out of here!
MAN: Stay where you are.
PAUL: Whoa...
SOPHIE: Careful, Paul!
MAN: You can't get anywhere!
Unless you have it,
you can't leave!
- What's going on, Paul?
- (BOTH GASP)
- Who are you?
- You don't have it, do you?
The portable door.
- We did, but...
- Oh!
Wait! How do we get out of...?
PAUL: Wait!
SOPHIE: We have to get out!
Who closes the door,
keeps the door.
PAUL: What does that mean -
"who closes the door"?
Humphrey closed the door.
So he keeps it?
We're surrounded by doors, so
one of these must be a way out.
(SNEEZES)
Bless you.
You're in the Nether.
There are no doors
out of the Nether.
You're John Wells.
You've got Humphrey's soul.
How did you know that?
You made him sign his soul over
to you. That's the contract.
He was an evil child. Awful.
I needed insurance.
So you can control him, then?
You can make him let us out.
You don't think I would've
thought of that years ago?
I have the contract,
but it's pointless
if I can't get it to the Bank.
The Bank of the Dead...
Now, wait a minute.
You have a contract
for Humphrey Wells' soul?
And if we get it to the Bank,
he's yours?
Uh-huh.
You have indeed found the root
to the problem.
So we're here forever?
Yep.
I can find a way out.
It's what I do.
There are no doors
out of the Nether. Only in.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS)
I don't like this any more than
you do, but it has to be done.
Must, must, you dogs!
Haul your case,
you horrid little corgi!
(PUFFS)
So Humphrey used
the portable door
to get my soul
to the Bank of the Dead.
- (DOOR CLOSING)
- And to trap me.
But then it went missing,
so he needed Paul to find it.
(DOOR OPENING)
Nope.
(DOOR OPENING)
How did he trap you here?
He tricked me.
My baby dragon
was used to lure me in.
A very simple trick, really.
I shouldn't have fallen for it.
So cruel.
He left me with my books.
- Why?
- Something to read.
I mean, why here?
It's the only place
to hold a Great Wizard.
I'll be here forever.
It's different for you.
(DOOR CLOSING)
You'll run out of food
and water in a few days
and die a messy death.
And I'll be stuck with a couple
of decomposing corpses
and no place to put 'em.
(PAUL SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
I'm OK!
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(FAINT ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
(ELECTRONIC BUZZING
INTENSIFYING)
(ELECTRONIC BUZZING,
HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)
Found something!
This one actually
goes somewhere.
JOHN: Not possible.
(MAJESTIC MUSIC)
(GIGGLES)
I'm free!
I'm f...!
Paul Carpenter, you may
be more than just a Diviner.
Maybe you're a...
Yeah, let's go down a bit.
Maybe I'm a what?
I really wish
he'd finish his sentence.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- (GASPS)
Mr Wells! You're alive!
Yes, very much, Rosie.
Unfortunately
you might be too late.
Right! Now it's up to you two.
Take this
to the Bank of the Dead.
That will give me control
of Humphrey.
Actually, I'll come with you.
Um...
Uh, Rosie, get your husband.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Just follow me.
DENNIS:
you disgusting little trolls!
(SHOUTING AND COMMOTION)
SOPHIE: Those are the
contracts. All those souls.
The door must be nearby.
HUMPHREY: Dennis,
make them move!
Or do they need more
incentives? I'm very creative.
DENNIS: Come now, come along.
You heard Mr Wells.
You heard Mr...
You! What do you think
you're doing?!
Tea break is over.
What do you think this is?
Fortnum and bloody Mason?!
And you!
Get off your lardy arse!
Come along now. Everybody!
Come along!
This is not Paris! (CURSES)
It's not a garden party!
JOHN: The Bank is open.
Your contract will be inside.
SOPHIE: Where's Humphrey?
I'll take care of him.
You just take that contract
into the Bank.
Once it's deposited, he's mine.
HUMPHREY: Well, well, well...
DENNIS: Hurry it up!
Keep moving!
(EXPLOSION, DEBRIS SCATTERING)
(DENNIS GROANS)
(GOBLINS EXCLAIMING)
DENNIS: It's Mr Wells!
Hello, Father.
(SCREAMING, GASPING)
Go!
DENNIS: The Bank waits
for no man. Get back to work.
- (EXPLOSION)
- (GOBLINS SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS)
Keep calm!
Back to work!
Get up! Get up there! Get up!
- (GRUNTS)
- (SCREAMING)
- Sophie!
- Paul, Paul, the door!
Get it to the Bank!
Get him! SOPHIE: The door! Paul!
(GOBLINS SNARLING)
PAUL: Get off!
Get off! It's unseemly!
Get off that man!
(EXPLOSION)
(CROCKERY CLATTERING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Paul!
SOPHIE: (THINKS)
Countess, we need you.
Humphrey is stealing
millions of souls
and now he's going to
kill John Wells!
- (GROWLING)
- (SCREAMS)
Eric? Are you alright?
(YELPS) PAUL: Sophie!
Get off!
(GOBLIN GRUNTS)
You OK?
(GRUNTS)
(SNARLING)
- Mr Tanner!
- Yes?
PAUL: Help!
Don't do it, Dennis!
No. No, Sir Humphrey, of
course not. No, no, no, no...
Sorry about this, Paul.
Just obeying orders.
Comfort slot.
It's Monty!
And if I had my way, I'd shtonk
that Humphrey in the uhab.
PAUL: What?
Paul!
Mum!
ROSIE: Mr Wells! It's Arthur!
(ARTHUR GROWLS)
(ROARS IN GOBLIN DIALECT)
(EXHALES)
Arthur!
Rosie! My love!
Oh... Dad, you're back!
(ANGRILY) Dennis!
(HUSHED GASPING)
Ooh, have we been weakened
by the Nether?
Paul! Run!
Look out, Paul!
(PAUL GRUNTS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS)
Humphrey... Humphrey,
this is completely against
the Magician's Code of Conduct.
- Not one step closer.
- (PAUL GROANING)
Seems my father's not as
powerful as he thought he was.
What are you going to do,
Humphrey?
You'll have to kill us all.
Please, Humphrey, stop this now.
All I ever wanted
was to think big.
You weren't brave enough.
This company was behind
the moon landing,
the splitting of the atom!
For what?
Are humans
still ruining everything?
Of course they are.
Do they realise
what we do for them?
Of course they don't.
I will continue my plan alone,
now that the traitors
have been smoked out.
Yeah, rebellion's over.
You're all going to the Nether.
But first...
You.
Bring it over.
- (SOPHIE GROANS)
- No!
Now, Carpenter.
I want you to bring
that damn contract over to me.
I want you to bring my soul
over to me.
And I will hold it in front
of my father's fading eyes
and I want to tear it to shreds.
(JOHN MURMURING WEAKLY)
Because the last thing
you will see
is the end of your hold over me.
I...
What? What?
No. Sorry. Can't understand.
Did anyone understand what...?
No? (CHUCKLES)
Carpenter. Let's have it.
- NIENKE: No, Paul.
- Come on.
CASIMIR:
Paul, don't do it, please.
COUNTESS:
You can't give it to him.
Get moving.
Don't listen to them.
SOPHIE: Paul...
Paul.
If you can hear me,
touch your ear.
In the Nether,
with all those doors...
Keep on keeping on!
What if you didn't find
the way out?
What if you created it?
The Bank is right below you.
Make your own door, Paul.
Keep going! Come on!
(ETHEREAL CHORAL MUSIC)
(LOW RUMBLING,
MYSTICAL WHOOSHING)
(ETHEREAL CHORAL MUSIC BUILDS)
(EXHALES SOFTLY)
He's... vanished.
Where did he go?
(GROANS)
(MUZAK PLAYING FAINTLY)
(MUZAK PLAYING)
WOMAN: Next, please.
Mr Carpenter.
You're not due here
for 142 years.
Um...
I'd like to make a deposit.
Actually...
I'd like to make a trade.
(STAMP CLICKS)
(SOPHIE GASPS)
NIENKE: Mr Wells, he's done it.
You've got his soul.
Quickly.
- The door.
- The door!
NIENKE: Sophie, quickly,
get the door.
- SOPHIE: Knock, knock.
- (DOOR WHOOSHING)
(GOBLINS MUTTERING
AND GRUMBLING)
No.
No.
(WHIMPERING) Please...
(HUMPHREY SOBS SOFTLY)
(SOBBING) Please... please...
(SOBS)
Dad, please...
Please...
(HUMPHREY SOBBING)
- John.
- You must.
Go.
(SOBBING)
JOHN: Sophie,
will you get the door, please?
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
(LIVELY CHATTER)
(STIRRING MUSIC)
SOPHIE: What are you doing?
This door will never
be opened again.
But what about Paul?
How do we get him back?
Sophie...
(SOFT WHOOSHING)
(ALL CHEER)
Oh, um...
I think this belongs to you?
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
Dad! Mum! No!
We did it, Paul.
Not quite.
Forgot one.
Take a seat.
Dennis!
ARTHUR: Don't worry about
my turncoat, backstabbing son.
He won't bother you again,
will you, Den...?
(SNEEZES)
Sorry about that. (SNIFFLES)
Humphrey had to choose stapler,
didn't he?
Now, first order of business -
what to do with you two.
Paul,
with your... skillset,
we think you're most suited
to a junior position
in Lost and Found.
Oh, great.
PAUL: (THINKS)
You've got to be kidding me.
The past few years have been
a blight on our great firm.
Are you listening
to my thoughts?
JOHN: capturing of souls
is strictly against...
PAUL: (THINKS) Sophie?
NIENKE: It is indeed.
You have a tiny weird bug
on your forehead.
Sorry.
All souls have been returned...
PAUL: So now you can
hear my thoughts?
I can't block you out?
JOHN: ever.
COUNTESS: Absolutely.
- JOHN: Good...
- OK, then.
Can I ask, now that you have
full control of your instincts,
your heart,
do you still feel that way
for me?
JOHN: And, Sophie,
with your impressive abilities
and your natural talents,
you'll be fast-tracked
to the position of VP
in the Department
of Coincidensation.
Do you like the sound of that,
Sophie?
PAUL:
So, do you... feel the same?
JOHN: Sophie, do you?
Yes. I do.
Excellent.
(STIRRING MUSIC SWELLS)
(CLEANER HUMMING)
Housekeeping. Knock, knock.
(FRANTIC OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
(WHIMSICAL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
(FRENETIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
THURSTON HARRIS:
Little Bitty Pretty One
Mm, mm-mm, mm, mm, mm-mm
Mm-mm-mm, mm-mm, mm, mm
Mm, mm-mm, mm, mm, mm-mm
Mm-mm-mm, mm-mm, mm, mm
Mm, mm-mm, mm, mm, mm-mm...
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
- (RINGING CONTINUES)
- Little bitty pretty one
Come on and talk to me...
- (RINGING CONTINUES)
- Lovey dovey, lovey one
Come sit down on my knee
Oh, oh, whoa-whoa, whoa-oh
Oh, oh,
whoa-whoa, whoa-oh...
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Uh, Lost and Found?
Paul speaking.
(BUTTON CLICKS)
MAN: (FAINTLY) Where?
Where did you see it?
This way?
Did it go in here? In here?
(DOOR OPENING)
Ah, there it is.
(DRAGON CHIRPS)
(FOOTSTEPS)
Who closes the door,
keeps the door.
No... You can't do this.
- No!
- (SUPERNATURAL BLAST)
(FRENETIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(BELLS CHIMING IN DISTANCE)
MAN: What? No...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No, no...
Oh, bloody alarm!
(FRANTIC OPERATIC MUSIC)
(MUSIC PAUSES)
(SIGHS)
(MUSIC RESUMES)
(MUSIC PAUSES)
No!
(MUSIC RESUMES)
Neville!
(MUSIC PAUSES)
Kidding me!
- (MUSIC RESUMES)
- (TOASTER SPARKS)
(TOASTER CRACKLES)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MAJESTIC OPERATIC MUSIC)
MAN: Thank you.
(SQUELCH!)
What the...?
Oh!
Excuse me. Sorry.
Sorry.
(EXHALES)
Sorry.
Sorry, guys. Excuse me.
Sorry. Hi. Is this
the line for applicants?
- Join the queue.
- Oh, thank you.
Excuse me. Sorry. Are you
here for the barista job?
MAN: Paul? Paul Carpenter?
It is you!
(CHUCKLES) Thought
it wasn't you for a minute.
Here's me calling out
to a stranger.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
Monty Smith-Gregg.
Don't you dare tell me
you don't remember me.
- Um...
- You don't? Or you do?
I can't tell
with that funny face of yours.
You always had
that look in class.
I taught 18th-century Ethics
and History of Music.
- At King's.
- Oh, I didn't go to King's.
And other campuses.
I had long hair and a beard.
You used to sit next to Neville.
- Yes...
- Funny Neville.
With his weak knees.
Plus, I coached you
in football, Mr Forgetty!
This is such a coincidence!
You still got that shirt?
The one with the, uh...
Oh, what did it say?
I should go.
- How's your brother?
- I don't have a brother.
Anyway, must dash. I have
an interview, just like you.
Another coincidence!
- Bye!
- Bye.
Monty?
Oh...
(PHONES CHIMING AND CLICKING)
Oh, great...
- (DOG YAPS)
- Hey!
Wait!
(FRANTIC OPERATIC MUSIC)
Stop! Stop that dog! Hey!
(MUSIC STOPS)
(WHIMSICAL TINKLING MUSIC)
(MUZAK PLAYING FAINTLY)
Hello?
(MUZAK, INDISTINCT SPEECH ON TV)
MAN: (ON TV) ..Central
London organisation...
(INDISTINCT SPEECH ON TV
CONTINUES)
(EERIE MUSIC)
MAN: (ON TV)
With world's best practice...
(SPEECH ON TV CONTINUES
INDISTINCTLY)
Excuse me, but are you here
for the job interview?
It says 'applicants'
on the door, but...
this is an odd place
for a job interview.
I was actually supposed to
have an interview at a cafe,
which is interesting... mildly.
D-do you know what they do here?
Or what position...?
WOMAN: I'm sorry.
Is there something I'm doing
to make you want to talk to me?
- Pardon?
- I really need to focus.
Sorry.
Oh, of course. Yeah.
You should focus.
Oh, you... you're watching.
Maybe I... I should
just watch too.
MAN (ON TV):
We've always been there...
and always will.
Life at JW Wells
as a new recruit
is never dull.
On the contrary,
the jobs can be demanding
and often confronting.
We may not advertise
our services
and shout our name
from the rooftops,
but that is because
we do not need to.
Our reputation is already
well established,
which is why we can
hide in the shadows
waiting for business
to come to us.
Now you know a bit about
what we do here
at JW Wells and Company,
we hope you will join our team.
(MUZAK ON TV CONTINUES)
(WOMAN GIGGLING)
No, you were... you were
outstanding, my dear.
Mr Wells was very impressed.
- We all were.
- That's a relief.
He's a personal hero
of mine, you know.
Yes.
Oh, good luck!
Just have fun with it.
(SOFTLY) These other interviews
are just formalities.
The job is all but yours.
(EXASPERATED SIGH)
Paul Carpenter!
What...? M-me?
How does he know my name?
MAN: Chop-chop!
(PLODDING MUSIC)
So, what is it you do here?
We do what we can.
Right.
- (HUSHED CHATTER)
- (DOOR OPENING)
Mr Wells, ladies and gentlemen
of the board,
this is Paul Carpenter.
Well, I'm glad you found us.
The side entrance
is a bit tricky, but...
Apologies about the lobby
being renovated.
It's all to align with the 'new
dawn' of our great company.
You will be part
of that new dawn too.
- I will be?
- Well, you could be.
It all rather depends
on the next two minutes,
wouldn't you say?
- Right.
- Why don't you tell us
something about yourself, Paul?
Ah... there's not much to tell, really.
I've got four GCSEs
and two A-Levels.
I'm currently
between employment.
Single.
I live with a friend, Neville,
who hasn't paid rent
for 2 months,
but let's not hold
that against him,
even though it means we'll be
evicted unless I get this job.
Well, a job. It's highly
unlikely that I get this job.
Especially if I keep talking.
But I'd like it. Whatever it
is, it seems... interesting.
Anyway, yeah, that's... me.
And what makes you think you'd
be suited to this position?
I dunno.
Well, what made you apply?
Uh, coincidence, really.
Go on.
Well, my alarm didn't go off.
My trousers had a stain.
And my shoelace broke - twice.
A dog stole my scarf.
The toaster blew up.
I ran into someone
who taught me at university
although I don't
remember him at all.
And then I chased the dog,
and here I am.
- Any hobbies?
- Pardon?
What do you do
in your spare time?
Well, all my time is spare...
- really.
- Ah.
But I used to paint
model soldiers.
- WOMAN: Which period?
- Medieval.
I also did those fantasy ones.
- Trolls and goblins.
- Goblins?
I tried Napoleonic,
but they were too fiddly.
I see.
I don't do that so much now.
And what do you most admire
about the works of Chekhov?
Ah... (EXHALES) I dunno.
The way he says
"Course laid in, Captain"
is pretty cool.
But mostly he doesn't
get to do much.
- (GROANS)
- Chekhov, the playwright.
Star Trek.
Any languages?
Uh, French and German
at school, but...
I can't really remember
any of it now.
(SPEAKS IN GERMAN)
Sorry?
Casimir is asking you about
your social life, pumpkin.
(BANGS TABLE)
Pardon?
What are you looking at,
Mr Carpenter?
Oh, sorry.
Uh, it's nothing. It's...
You seem distracted.
It's just the wallpaper.
The cracks are a map of London.
The Tube.
And there's the M25.
There's Hyde Park.
As soon as you see it,
you can't unsee it.
It's like one of those
Magic Eye things.
Well, this has been a truly
forgettable experience.
Shall I see you out,
Mr Carpenter?
- That's OK... Sorry.
- Yes, I shall. Come on.
Well, thanks for
meeting you all.
Um, good to...
I mean, to meet you.
MAN: We heard it. Thank you.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(GROANS)
You...
Stay...
Stay.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Alright?
Oh, dear.
How is anyone supposed to
get a job in this town?
You should just go abroad.
You know, be a man of letters.
Paul Carpenter -
renaissance man.
Renaissance men usually have
more than 5 to their name.
Any ladies there?
No.
Liar. Spill.
(THUMP!)
PAUL: Neville?
- Hmm?
- What's going on?
Yeah, the couch is gone.
Yes, I noticed that.
I'm moving home.
- What?! Like, right now?
- I'm sorry. I just...
Just, do you ever feel like
you're not meant for
this kind of, you know,
work, rent, bills, bus,
Tube, bills, work, rent
kind of life?
Yes, of course, we all do...
I had this epiphany last night,
I thought, "Neville",
"why are you being
a slave to the system?"
"You know, go home,
go back to university,"
"just... never leave again."
PAUL: Right.
NEVILLE: And you know what?
As soon as I said it,
I just felt... free.
PAUL: Wow.
I'm really happy for you.
But where does that leave me?
NEVILLE: We're all individuals.
You are free to make
your own choices.
PAUL: Ignoring the fact
I don't have a job
and my parents
have moved to Florida.
- I can't believe this!
- I know, I'll miss you too.
No! How do I find someone
with zero notice?
NEVILLE: I'll pay for next week.
- PAUL: You're two months behind.
- Maybe you'll get...
(BREEZE BLOWING)
"JW Wells and Co"?
That's where my interview was.
But I didn't give them
this address.
"Dear Mr Carpenter,"
"Thank you for your smashing
interview at 9:43am today."
"It was a real highlight and we
were unanimously impressed."
"We are therefore thrilled"
"to offer you the position
of Paid Intern."
"It would be most agreeable
if you could make yourself"
"available for work
from tomorrow, 9am sharp."
"Please enter through the main
entrance at 70 St Mary..."
Bloody hell.
I got a job!
You see?
All works out in the end.
I got a job!
(ALARM BLARES)
(DRAMATIC OPERATIC MUSIC BUILDS)
(MAJESTIC OPERATIC MUSIC)
PAUL: Thank you.
(PHONES CHIMING AND BLEEPING)
(SOFT CHORAL MUSIC)
Mr Roden!
Referral, please.
Ew.
Suite 1409.
- (BELL BUZZES)
- (DOOR OPENS)
What's the matter?
Need help sitting?
Oh, I'm... I'm not...
Ah!
Hm?
Well, Rosie, what do we think
of the new lobby?
Oh, Mr Wells,
I was expecting to be pleased,
but this morning, when
I saw it for the first time,
my heart burst with
a new passion for my work.
I can't tell
if you're being serious.
I couldn't be more serious...
about the new lobby.
- Carpenter!
- Hi.
- Wearing a suit, I see.
- Mm.
Very nice.
Making an effort - tick.
Trying to be yourself -
bigger tick.
We're all a big happy family
here, aren't we, Rosie?
- Yes?
- One big happy family.
We're going to tear through
mountains together... Paul?
Paul. Ah, OK.
Well, I love
to tear... mountains.
(DOOR CREAKS AND CLOSES)
Paul Carpenter.
Last chance to change your mind.
(INTERCOM WHINES)
Mr Tanner,
the new intern's here.
TANNER: (ON INTERCOM)
No, she's here already, Mum.
Uh, I mean 'Rosie'.
Well, they're coming in
thick and fast
'cause there's another one here
with a clueless look
on his face.
I don't suppose
you could fill me in
on what this company
actually does?
TANNER: (ANNOYED) Carpenter...
I was hoping that you'd died.
Well, follow me.
- Chop-chop!
- Dennis!
Shirt.
Oh, yes...
Come on. Hurry up! Come on!
For God's sake...
No, not that way...
(DENNIS MUTTERING)
Why is the...?
(EXASPERATED) Ah, all this was
meant to be done by Christmas!
By Christmas!
Now... interns report to me,
and me only. Is that clear?
OK. Yes.
"Yes, Mr Tanner."
Now, JW Wells
is a highly respected firm.
Oops!
And we expect nothing less than
excellence from our employees.
- Is that clear?
- Of course.
"Of course, Mr Tanner."
Now, in return,
you will be working
for the most innovative company
in history.
Hup!
Don't panic.
All clear, no harm done.
With me, boy.
(TELEPHONES RINGING,
BUSTLING CHATTER)
DENNIS: Now listen
very carefully,
'cause really
all you need to know,
for centuries,
our distinguished firm, JW...
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Our distinguished firm,
JW Wells,
has performed a plethora
of invaluable services
for our clients, including...
- (HUBBUB DROWNS OUT SPEECH)
- I didn't quite hear...
temporal pausation
or advancement
and, of course, our signature
dish, which is coincidensation.
Now, we have never had
an unhappy client.
- Come on!
- (TYPEWRITERS CLACKING)
DENNIS: And we trust
it will remain that way.
If you decide to stay,
you arrive at 0900,
lunch is at 1300, tea 1500,
and pens down at 5 o'clock.
And I don't care how much
of a suckhole you are,
you never, ever stay
after hours.
- Is that clear?
- Yes.
- Mr Tanner.
- Thank you.
(TUBES SUCTIONING)
You look like the sort of chap
who owns a computer.
Do not bring it to work.
- Hurry along!
- (TUBES SUCTIONING)
They do not function
within these four walls,
and what is more,
they're common.
- Any questions?
- I just didn't quite hear...
No questions. Good.
You may be excited
about working here -
that would be a mistake.
You are the lowest of the low,
Mr Carpenter.
I can't think of anything lower.
Even the tiniest mites
that inhabit this grotty carpet
upon which we walk
are more important than you.
And, like the mites,
the less you are seen,
the longer you will last.
Right.
"Right, Mr Tanner!"
Mr Tanner.
Now... you'll be sharing
with the other new blob
of insignificance
that arrived today.
Oh. What other blob?
This one.
Sophie Pettingel.
She managed to get here on time.
Well, wait here. Maybe someone
will find you something to do.
Oh! Why don't you tell Sophie
about your last girlfriend?
Oh, that's right -
you've never had one.
(GUFFAWS WHEEZILY)
(SCOFFS)
That's not true, by the way.
I have had...
We never called each other
boyfriend and girlfriend...
The smell of coffee
makes me sick.
The what? Oh. Sorry.
Ah... Oh, that's hot. Very...
Ah...
(EXHALES)
Looks like
we're up for the same job.
Hm.
I'm pretty sure they've made
a mistake, actually.
All depends on what
they were looking for.
If it was inarticulate,
nervous gits
with little talent
or initiative,
they've struck gold.
With me... I mean.
Not you. You're obviously
talented and... not a git.
Do you have any idea
what they do here?
What was all those typists?
And the big map with the...?
There's a nice pub across
the street, which is good.
It's important, isn't it?
To have after-work drinks.
Or hitting-target drinks.
Or sales drinks.
Or, like... drink drinks.
My dad used to go to the pub
after work every day.
So did my mum, actually.
'Debeef' drinks.
Debrief 'dinks'. Drinks.
Debrief drinks.
Did you work anywhere
before this job?
Um, what kind of question
is that?
Oh, uh, I was just wondering if
all office jobs are like this.
You know, you sort of sit
and wait to be told.
Or maybe you could fill me in
on some work practices.
You know, like when to...
Go to the pub?
What? No.
Um... unless you want to.
But-but not in an
inappropriate way, of course.
If there's a way
to do it... if...
'Cause, I mean, I can't, and
don't want to, by the way, ask.
And neither do you
want to be asked,
or ask me, which is good.
We've got apps for that.
And I'm certainly not gonna
look for you on my app.
- I think you should stop now.
- Yeah, I think you're right.
(YELPS) SOPHIE: What?!
Shh.
(TROLLEY RATTLING)
(PAUL GASPS)
Did she try and kiss you?
- No.
- No.
Oh. Shame.
Did you see a baby dragon?
Job for you.
You are to go through these maps
and circle any sites
containing bauxite.
- Got it?
- And what about me?
You help him.
Oh. Look at you.
You're all red in the face.
First days, they're always hard.
But I'm here - hm? -
if you need a true friend.
(SNIFFS)
Mm.
Anyway, good luck.
So... bauxite is...?
It's a mineral.
They make aluminium
out of it. Listen, Peter.
- Paul.
- Don't take this the wrong way
but I'm not interested in beers
after work
or, "Hi, everyone, this is
my mate Peter from work."
- Paul.
- I'm part of a fast-track
program to
upper level management,
so we won't be sharing this
pokey little hole for long.
But while we are,
do you mind if we just...?
(RAPS DESK)
Yep. Sure.
Yeah. I was just...
checking about the bauxite.
(JAUNTY HARMONIC MUSIC)
(BELLS CHIMING)
Well, that was rewarding.
Didn't spot any bauxite,
did you?
SOPHIE: Coming?
So, what we thinking for lunch?
I could murder a pie.
Oh, I'm a bit of
a pie-murderer myself.
Actually, I might
just grab a coffee.
I thought you
didn't like coffee.
Why did I say that?
I hate coffee.
Sophie Pettingel!
I have a quick job for you.
You can come too if you like,
but don't do anything.
PAUL: I don't suppose
you could fill us in
on what this company
actually does?
This should be very simple. Ah.
That woman is Delia Bryson.
She happens to be sitting...
(HUFFS) Spelling is awful.
Right. Well, this seems to be
a little more complicated.
Delia is reading Atonement
by Ian McEwan.
Sophie, I'll need you
to watch her
and signal me
when she gets to the part
where Cecilia
jumps into the fountain.
- The what?
- I'll be on the other side.
Wait. You want me
to read over her shoulder?
Of course not.
That would be rude.
Just watch her from in there.
How are we supposed to know
what she's reading?
This is ridiculous.
(WHISPERED VOCALISING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC SWELLS)
(MAN GRUNTS)
- (WATER SPLASHING)
- (DELIA GASPS)
Oh, my goodness!
Are you alright? MAN: Yeah.
- Here.
- Oh.
- Oh... (CHUCKLES)
- Oh, thank you so much.
DELIA: Such a bizarre coincidence...
Very well done, Sophie.
His parents
paid a fortune for that.
Those two will think
it was meant to be
and hopefully tell the story
to their grandchildren.
But... so Sophie read her mind?
Sophie is a Seer.
A very rare breed.
That's why she's
in our fast-track program
and you, Paul, are not.
I suppose you'd call us
practical metaphysicians
or paranatural engineers.
In my department,
we hijack a client's instincts
or gut feeling just long enough
to influence a correct decision.
Sophie, I have
more clients for you.
Paul, you can go back to...
whatever it was you were doing.
- Maps.
- Fast-track.
(TRAFFIC BUZZING,
SIREN BLARING IN DISTANCE)
Bauxite...
Brilliant.
(LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
(LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
(LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
Carpenter!
You focus your eyes
on a point in the distance,
like you're looking
at the horizon.
Yep.
Now lift your hand
just off the map
so you can still feel it
but you're not actually
touching it.
(BARELY AUDIBLE
ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
Yep.
(ELECTRONIC PULSING)
WELLS: Yeah. Mm-hm.
Yeah, it's building.
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
- (WELLS EXCLAIMS)
That's the Quiver Point.
Come with me.
Countess took you on a mission?
Yes. Well, I didn't really
do anything, but...
Is that what you do here?
Make people fall in love?
Yeah, fall in love, divorce,
discover gravity, move cities,
invent combustion engines,
try a new cafe...
Careful with those!
We control their gut instincts.
If only for a few seconds.
But why?
Yes, exactly!
No credit.
Not nearly enough money.
Never any gratitude.
Why waste our precious time
helping ungrateful sods
who are just
going to die anyway?
(DOOR CLOSES)
(FOOTSTEPS)
We're on the brink, Paul.
On the edge of history.
We were just about to launch
Operation Fine Print -
the most audacious
influence campaign
ever undertaken -
when we hit a bit of a snag.
And now only you, Paul,
can put us back on track.
- Me?
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah, well...
Yeah, but you have
a unique talent.
You're more than just a Diviner.
I'm a... Diviner?
Your parents must be
so proud of you.
DENNIS: His parents? They're
barely even aware he's alive.
When he was six, his father
lost him at a funfair.
Took him 22 minutes to realise.
Their house
was hardly ever clean
because his mother
spent most of her time
having three affairs.
Dad had no idea.
Who was the third affair?
We don't get to choose
our parents.
Dennis's father looked
like a squashed toad.
My father was
a controlling egomaniac.
You know, he presented
as a warm and gentle leader,
but behind the scenes,
he was evil.
When I was 12,
he sat me down,
put a pen in my hand
and made me write a contract.
"I, Humphrey Wells,
promise very hard"
"never to betray my father."
"And if I do,
my soul will be his."
He kept that contract.
Never let it out of his sight.
It imprisoned me,
kept me silent,
forced me to be
the obedient, dutiful son.
It was his insurance policy
against me.
What kind of father needs an
insurance against his own son?!
We're very similar, you and I.
You think?
Mmm.
Undervalued. Underestimated.
(BLOWS NOSE)
I suppose, maybe, in that way.
Can I trust you,
Paul Carpenter of 57
Wrigglesworth Street, Nunhead?
Um...
I mean, I'm number 59,
but, yes,
I think you can trust me, yes.
I've lost something.
Something not only dear to me,
but immeasurably valuable.
Oh. That's no good.
Where did you last see it?
Well, that's irrelevant.
It's not a watch or a wallet.
It's one of the most powerful
and coveted items
ever to exist.
Oh. Right. Gosh.
The trouble is, it has
the ability to disguise itself.
Like an octopus.
It is not like an octopus.
(WHISPERS) Do you think
we have the right man here?
(MUTTERS)
I need you to find it, Paul.
It's somewhere in this
building. I know that.
But it will refuse to be found,
so you will have to pretend
that you're not looking for it.
Pretend I'm not looking for it.
Yeah, I put all my trust in you.
Because the thing...
the thing that I want
you to find... that thing...
It's a door.
Yes, thank you, Dennis.
It's a door. A portable door,
to be specific.
Portable...
You're not to share this
with anyone.
- Even your blossoming romance.
- Oh, we're definitely not...
You must find it. It's crucial
for Operation Fine Print
and the new dawn of the company.
Would you say everything
hinges on his success?
Yes, I would say everything
hinges on... his success.
Hm?
Find my door.
- OK.
- Good man.
How?
You have the gift.
Fate has brought us together.
This is your time to shine!
So... go shine.
And, Paul...
(BOTH SHUSHING)
(ENTRANCING MUSIC)
Just find the door. Easy.
Here, door! Come on, door!
Are you looking for something?
No.
You look like
you're looking for something.
Don't think so. No.
Not very sure of yourself,
are you?
Do you remember who I am?
Blank.
I'm Nienke Van Spee,
ASTP, KMCC.
- Paul.
- ASTP stands for
'Associate of the Society of
Thaumaturgical Practitioners'.
- Right.
- Say that with a lisp.
- (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
And KMCC
stands for 'Keeper of the
Magician's Code of Conduct'.
Which means you come to me
if you hear of
any illegal use of magic.
Have you? Heard of any?
How are you enjoying
the new job?
Oh, Sophie's a delight.
If you were
to buy her a present,
I would suggest
a small woollen scarf
or a good-quality torch.
And under no circumstances
should you kiss her
after eating licorice.
- Oh, we're not...
- She hates the stuff.
How are you finding Mr Wells?
He's a wonderful boss. Honest.
Eyes down here, pumpkin.
What you see is what you get
with Mr Wells.
No, there's... there's not
a thing I worry about
with Humphrey at the helm.
What are you looking at,
potato face?
Sorry.
Are you working
with him closely?
Not really. No.
Well, I hope
you get that chance.
He seems to really like you.
Which is bewildering to us all.
Bit of a turnip, aren't you?
You certainly didn't
get my vote.
Anyhoo, must toot.
Maybe you'll prove me wrong!
(BELLS CHIMING)
NIENKE: It's five o'clock!
Go home, Paul!
(DOOR CREAKING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(HOUSE CREAKING SOFTLY)
- (RAPID WHOOSHING)
- (YELPS)
Don't panic. It's just a dream.
- Who are you?
- I'm Casimir Suslowicz.
What are you doing
in my bedroom?
This is not your bedroom.
This is a dream of your bedroom
- that I am in.
- Why? How?
It's what I do. I find it's the
best way to get to the truth.
Truth?
Because we've all been wondering
why Mr Wells hired you.
I can find bauxite on a map.
- Are you...?
- Waiting for the truth? Yes.
This company got out of bauxite
107 years ago.
Why did he hire you?
I don't know what to tell you. Honestly.
I... I think he just saw
some real potential in me
- and he... he...
- (WHOOSHING)
W...
(PAUL GASPS)
What's wrong, Paul?
Foot hurting?
- (SHRIEKS)
- Why were you hired, Paul?
Not sure you can hear me.
(VOICE BOOMING) Can you
hear me now?
Why did he hire you?
(PANTS, GROANS)
- I can't say!
- I can do worse, Paul.
I can do a lot worse
now that I'm in here.
But it's just a dream, right?
(MOCKING) Oh, yes,
it's just a dream!
But things have real-world
consequences, Paul.
I could make you strip off,
go for a little sleepwalk outside.
You wouldn't!
I can make a little bit
of wee come out.
Quite a bit, actually.
OK! Alright!
(MUFFLED) He wants me to find
the portable door!
(WHOOSHING)
So...
Humphrey has lost
his portable door.
I don't know what it does.
I mean, why does he
want it so badly?
You know the saying
"There is only one way
to the Bank of the Dead"?
No, actually. W-what's the one
way to the Bank of the Dead?
Dying.
Well, it turns out
that's not entirely true.
There is another way.
(GASPS)
Bank of the what?
- (PHONE CHIMES)
- You're still dreaming.
Agh!
(PHONES CHIMING AND CLICKING)
(ROSIE CHATTERING AND LAUGHING)
I could just eat you up.
(CHUCKLES, KISSES)
Oh...
(SOPHIE CLEARS THROAT)
I love office supplies.
I always wanted
to be a Coincidator.
Is that what I am?
(COLDLY) "Is that what I am?"
- (INTERCOM BEEPS)
- She's here.
Right. Just pretend
you're not looking for it.
(FAINT CREAKING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
(FAINT ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
(FAINT ELECTRONIC PULSING)
(ELECTRONIC PULSING INTENSIFIES)
(LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)
"Goblins only."
- (DOOR OPENS)
- (GASPS)
DENNIS: Did I give you
permission to be down here?
(HURRIED FOOTSTEPS)
Let me think. Did I give you
permission to be down here?
No, I did not!
Sorry, Mr Tanner. I...
I thought it might be
a good place to look for the...
you know.
(WHISPERS) The what?
(WHISPERS) Portable door.
The portable door.
Rather a big project
for an intern.
How's it going, by the way?
Um... I think I'll be OK.
If I were you, Carpenter,
I would just give up now
because when you fail -
and undoubtedly you will -
there are no words to describe
what Mr Wells will do to you.
Oh, here's one.
Gut.
Another. Impale.
Marinate.
Oh, they're coming now.
Yes. Fry, poach...
- OK. Thanks.
- Peel, roast...
- I think I get the...
- Disembowel!
(MENACING MUSIC)
(CONTAINERS CLATTERING)
DENNIS: Get...!
I know this is probably
a stupid question,
but who's down there?
Goblins.
We've worked with them
for centuries.
They follow humans.
They watch you at night.
Steal from you.
Sabotage your day.
They're basically obsessed.
And we use that obsession
to arrange coincidences.
Ask the dry cleaner
if you can stick this poster
on their wall.
Her long-lost cousin
will come by in a few days.
SOPHIE: Excuse me. Hi.
Would I be able
to put this poster up?
- My friend lost her dog.
- Course, love.
SOPHIE: Thank you so much.
I really appreciate it.
Alright, you have a lovely day, yeah?
You too, bye.
I'm sure you've noticed. This
company is at war with itself.
Ever since John Wells
mysteriously - suspiciously -
disappeared,
things have changed.
It was the same day Dennis's
father, Arthur, disappeared.
Those two sons
are up to something,
and it's not just renovations.
We're not sure what or when,
we're not even sure why
he hired your scruffy friend,
but it's connected somehow.
I don't think he knows
why he's been hired.
I mean...
he's quite nice, but...
I can't really tell when he...
You're a jumble of a human,
aren't you?
You're very good
at reading people.
You could be a great Seer.
But you don't seem
to make sense inside.
It's like you have two
instincts fighting each other.
Is there something
I should know?
I am...
I don't think...
I guess I'm just...
as you say... a jumble.
SOPHIE: I don't know
what's happening to me.
I'm listening to jazz,
drinking coffee, which I hate.
I'm suddenly loving balloons.
I just don't know
who I am anymore.
DENNIS: That's fascinating.
Am I supposed to care?
SOPHIE: I want
to change my mind.
DENNIS: Well, too bad because
you signed the contract!
PAUL: Everything OK?
What?
It's 4:53.
Seven minutes
to leave the building!
I'm fine.
Coming?
Yep.
Sounded like a heated chat.
With Tanner?
Ugh, it was just a disagreement
about my employment contract.
- You're not leaving, are you?
- Starting to think I should.
That'd be awful. And sad.
Why?
(WHISPERS) 'Cause who
would protect you from...?
Exactly.
Just be glad
you're not a stapler.
I suddenly... really...
in my heart...
need...
liquorice.
You hate liquorice, don't you?
Yes, I did. But now I love it.
Mmm!
(WITH MOUTH FULL)
Mmm, it's so, um... liquorice-y.
(CHUCKLES)
(GAGS)
(COUGHS, RETCHES)
(COUGHS)
- Do you want to get a drink?
- Yes, please. (GAGS)
(MOODY SWING MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't know why I ate that.
How can anyone eat that?
I actually don't mind liquorice.
Yes, but you dress like
a 12-year-old accountant.
Really?
Sorry.
Listen... is everything OK?
Yep.
Fine.
I guess I just thought...
You'd be CEO by now.
Ha. Yes.
I don't know, I'm grateful
for the fast track
and the Countess, but...
what if the downside
isn't worth it?
Well, what's the downside?
Being miserable all the time?
I'm not miserable.
I'm ambitious.
You wouldn't get it, Paul.
You know, you're happy looking
at maps all day
and you don't need more.
I just, I wish I was...
Oh... my... God.
You are doing more.
- What?
- What you doing?
What? Nothing.
I can't say. It's... Nothing.
Mr Wells has me on a
special task. But I can't say.
It seems pretty important
to him, though.
'Cause I'm the only one who...
- You're the only one who what?
- I can't say.
OK.
Well, just so you know,
be careful.
Of what?
Of him. Humphrey.
He's not normal.
Oh, and Countess is just
your average office manager.
He's not gonna want something
for nothing, Paul.
Seriously, what's with all
the hating on Humphrey Wells?
He doesn't push
innocent people into fountains.
You're so naive.
We know there's more to this
- New Dawn than renovations.
- Who's 'we'?
Plus, Countess thinks he
disappeared his father.
- Well, where's John Wells?
- I dunno.
- Retired.
- Huh.
Just...
consider yourself warned.
Maybe you're jealous.
Maybe you can't handle the fact
that the CEO loves me
and not you.
Have you always been
this arrogant?
Maybe I'm on a super fast track.
A super fast track?
You're on a regular fast track.
The truth is hard to hear.
Believe me, you are not.
You fell into this job.
You weren't plucked from
obscurity by the CEO
because they can't find any
other middling-intelligent,
slightly good-looking English
boys in the city of London.
If the CEO is asking you
to find something,
it's because they don't know
what else to do with you.
(MOODY SWING MUSIC
CONTINUES PLAYING)
OK. Well, this was fun.
- Let's do it again.
- Yep.
(DOOR OPENS)
(ROSIE CHORTLES)
Here he is.
The date from hell?
What?
"Let's go for a drink
and yell at each other."
- Whoa, hang on...
- Not cool, Romeo!
(WHISPERS) Not cool.
Paul! Casimir Suslowicz.
We met at your interview.
Well, hope you're adjusting.
Must dash.
PAUL: Right.
Today's the day, Paul.
MONTY: Today is what day?
- I know you.
- I look like a lot of people.
Monty. We met
before my interview.
Who knows? Anyway,
turn around and go back up.
- I was just gonna look down...
- Well, you can't.
- Why not?
- I don't have those details.
All I've been told is "Don't
let anyone in the basement."
But there's just an old closet
down there.
- That's what I said - closet.
- You said basement.
- No, no, I said closet.
- You definitely said basement.
(WHISPERS) Please don't tell
Mr Tanner I said that.
Why not?
He's very creative
with his punishment.
You didn't teach me
History of Music
or coach football, did you?
No.
You were trying to make me
miss my interview.
Yes. As instructed.
I won't tell Mr Tanner
you said basement.
Oh, that's very decent of you.
If you let me go down there.
(ELECTRONIC PULSING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(UNEARTHLY RUMBLING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MOUSE SQUEAKS)
(MONKEY CACKLES)
(KRAKEN GRUNTS QUIZZICALLY)
(MUSIC STOPS)
- (LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
- (YELPS, GASPS)
(SINISTER MUSIC)
(ELECTRONIC PULSING)
- (LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
- (GASPS)
(SOFT GROWLING)
- (BARKS)
- Agh!
- (LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
- (GASPS)
(SHUSHING)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
(STAPLER THUDS)
(FAINT ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
(ELECTRONIC BUZZING
INTENSIFIES AND ABATES)
(LOW ELECTRONIC BUZZING
INTENSIFIES)
(ANGELIC CHORAL MUSIC)
(ANGELIC CHORAL MUSIC SWELLS)
Found you.
(DOORKNOB TWISTING)
(DOOR CREAKING)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
HUMPHREY: (FAINTLY) Ladies
and gentlemen, my friends,
if I may get your attention.
Thank you.
What you're about to see -
and it's not exaggerating
to say this -
is going to change
the world forever.
(MUFFLED CHATTER)
HUMPHREY: See, for centuries,
we at JW Wells
have been in the business
of changing small lives
in small ways.
Absolutely lovely. (KISSES)
Now, this has always struck me
as an odd waste of our talents.
So when my father disappeared,
presumed dead,
I decided this was our chance.
Opportunity is right there
in front of us,
begging to be used.
(DOOR RATTLING)
HUMPHREY: We've always
provided a service
for our customers.
What if we make them serve us?
What if we make them
the product?
Mr Tanner,
let's have the guinea pig.
Gather round, please.
I have something to show you.
HUMPHREY: Sophie, just
a few more quick questions.
Any phobias?
Balloons, weirdly.
- HUMPHREY: Do you like coffee?
- Not at all, sorry.
Favourite music style?
I like loads of music,
just not jazz.
HUMPHREY: What do you think of
when I say the word 'liquorice'?
I actually almost gag.
This is my
fast-track interview...
OK, hold it right there.
After that interview,
we were able to influence
this young consumer.
SOPHIE: I don't know
what's happening to me.
I'm listening to jazz,
drinking coffee, which I hate.
I'm suddenly loving balloons.
I mean, I just don't know
who I am anymore.
(SNIGGERS)
(FORCED LAUGHTER)
HUMPHREY: Thank you, Dennis.
PAUL: Wait...
HUMPHREY: If we can do this
to a well-educated...
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
HUMPHREY: young,
strong-willed individual,
imagine what we can do
to the masses.
Your property prices
will skyrocket.
Your consumer base
will double, triple, quadruple!
Your Roger will win
his election in a landslide!
MAN: How are you doing this?
HUMPHREY:
With a simple binding contract
they don't even know
they've signed.
(WHISPERS) Door!
HUMPHREY: Just like Sophie did.
I will sell you
the will of the people.
(WHISPERS) Door!
HUMPHREY: I will
hand you their desires,
their gut instincts
on a silver platter.
Because here at JW Wells,
influence is...
DENNIS: Whoop.
HUMPHREY: Thank you, Dennis.
Influence is no coincidence.
(CROWD APPLAUDS)
(EXCITED CHATTER)
PAUL: "Knock, knock".
OK.
Knock, knock.
(DOOR WHOOSHING)
HUMPHREY: Why don't we do it
over some refreshments?
Mr Tanner? Dennis!
Supermarket!
(CHECKOUT SCANNER BEEPING)
(FRANTIC OPERATIC MUSIC)
NIENKE: Paul.
Are you being chased?
PAUL: Uh, no. Fine.
NIENKE: You're puffing
and you look spooked.
Ah, no, just...
just I'm keen to get to work.
So, anyway, thanks for...
Paul.
If you do find it,
this is who you come to.
Right.
(FRANTIC OPERATIC MUSIC)
Paul!
We need to clear the air.
I'm sorry about
what I said last night.
But I do think we are
fundamentally different people
and some people are not meant
to spend time together.
Hey! What the hell?
They're filming you. Us.
- What?
- You.
They're controlling you, Sophie.
What are you talking about?
He said something
about a contract.
I saw...
- I found it.
- Found what?
This.
(GASPS)
You found a towel?
Just watch this.
- Knock, knock.
- (DOOR WHOOSHING)
That's a door.
Yep.
Ready?
Supermarket.
This is not...
Something's gone wrong.
- MAN: (ECHOING) Hello?
- Who's that?
MAN: Wait there. I'm coming!
Please don't...!
Who was the voice?
"Announce your destination
before opening."
OK. My bad.
- Knock, knock.
- (DOOR WHOOSHING)
OK. S-s... um...
My flat.
See? Portable door.
This is your flat?
Yeah.
You're actually quite neat.
What...?
So it goes
wherever you want to go.
This has just become
the best job in the world.
Before you do that,
can we just...?
- Knock, knock.
- I have to tell you what I saw.
- Amazing!
- It was an interview with you.
- There were people watching...
- Come on!
THURSTON HARRIS:
Little Bitty Pretty One
SOPHIE: Come up here!
Whoa!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER
AND LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
We're on top of the world!
Close your eyes.
No - your ears.
Mm, mm-mm, mm, mm, mm-mm...
(SOPHIE CHUCKLES)
- Fiji?
- No!
- Jamaica?
- Warmer.
Little bitty pretty one
Come on and talk to me
Lovey dovey, lovey one...
Whoo!
Oh, oh, whoa-whoa, whoa-oh
Oh-oh-oh...
Really?
- Tell you a story...
- (SHRIEKS)
Happened a long time ago
Little bitty pretty one...
I'm busy this week.
You should be able
to handle these clients, yes?
Oh, oh, whoa-whoa, whoa-oh
Oh-oh-oh, whoa, oh, oh
Little bitty pretty one
Come on and talk to me
Lovey dovey, lovey one
Come sit down on my knee
Mm, mm-mm, mm, mm, mm-mm...
Look at that. Amazing.
It's so cool.
It is so beautiful here.
So, what's your favourite place
that we've been to?
My favourite place
that we've been to...
That's a really hard question.
I don't know.
Why do I always
have to answer first?
(PLAYFUL BANTER AND LAUGHTER)
(TENDER MUSIC)
PAUL: Did I mention I was
the South East Junior
Ballroom champion
three years running?
SOPHIE: You failed to actually.
PAUL: Three years, I'm serious.
SOPHIE: You hid it so well.
PAUL: I didn't want to show off.
SOPHIE: Don't be like that,
you're actually really good.
(WOMAN EXCLAIM IN ASTONISHMENT)
(WOMEN EXCLAIM)
I don't believe it!
(BOTH LAUGH)
(JOYOUS MUSIC)
ROSIE: Ooh!
(WONDROUS MUSIC SWELLS)
(PAUL EXCLAIMS)
PAUL: What if I told you
I can read minds now, too?
SOPHIE: (SCEPTICALLY) Really?
What am I thinking?
"Gosh, Paul is handsome
and interesting."
(SOPHIE CHUCKLES)
Maybe we should stay here.
Eh? Just eat fresh seafood
every day.
Yeah... Except I hate fish.
But you don't know yourself,
do you? Maybe you love it.
Or we could just take
the portable door for lunch,
somewhere different every day.
And we could build
a little house.
Over there.
I like you.
I really do, quite a lot,
which is weird
because you're such a...
But ever since I signed that
stupid fast-track contract...
I feel like they're in control
of that whole part of me.
My instinct and...
my heart.
I don't trust my own feelings.
I guess I don't know if what
I'm feeling for you is real.
Well, then we have to find
this thing that you signed.
Why?
We could reverse it somehow.
So then you'd know
who you really are
and how you really feel
about pies and jazz.
And especially...
liquorice.
But how do we reverse it?
Well, I dunno.
But we have to try.
- Knock, knock.
- (DOOR WHOOSHING)
(DOOR OPENS)
We should check
Humphrey's office first.
After work.
Interns!
There's a rumour going around
and I hope it's...
Why are you dressed like that?
- We're not.
- Theme party.
- Tonight.
- Last night. Uh... beach theme.
It was a good party.
So much fun.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Do you have any idea
what thin ice you are on?
I'm going to say this once,
and then you're on your own.
Fold it up, put it outside
Mr Wells's door,
walk away
and never, never come back.
And if you're lucky...
he'll be too busy
to bother killing you.
He knows.
But he didn't do anything.
He's right. Is he right?
We should leave.
We have to find your contract.
- And what? Rip it up?
- I dunno.
But we have to do something.
We'll come back tonight.
OK.
(BELLS CHIMING)
- Good evening.
- Goodnight.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(RHYTHMIC STOMPING)
(DOOR WHOOSHING)
(DOOR CREAKING OPEN)
(DOOR CLOSES)
SOPHIE: Didn't you say
'Humphrey's office'?
PAUL: I did.
SOPHIE: This is not
Humphrey's office.
Those are a lot of printers.
Door wanted us to come here.
So, what,
it has a personality now?
- (GASPS) Oh, shit!
- (GASPS) What is it?
It's gone.
Just... be careful.
(PRINTER WHIRRS)
(PRINTER WHIRRING)
PAUL: The last time I was here,
these printers
were all printing,
but I don't know what.
They're terms and conditions.
Those things you click 'agree'
but never read.
(PRINTER CONTINUES WHIRRING)
"Operation Fine Print."
Humphrey's mentioned that.
(DISTANT SCREAMING)
Was that a bad scream
or a good scream?
I'm hoping good?
I mean, they're all different.
This one's a gym membership.
This is a train ticket.
A rental agreement. But why
is JW Wells collecting them?
(EERIE MUSIC)
Maybe this is what I signed.
(LOW GROWLING)
SOPHIE: We have to
get to Humphrey's...
- (GUTTURAL SNARL)
- What was that?!
(DISTANT PATTERING)
I actually don't know.
(WHISPERS) Sophie!
(DISTANT SNARLING)
(FAINT CLANGING,
VOICES MUTTERING)
I'm happy to not find out
what that is
and just, you know,
stick to the plan.
(FAINT GRUNTING AND CLAMOURING)
We should at least look.
Should we, though?
One, two...
three!
(CLATTERING AND COMMOTION)
(FAINT HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)
(DISTANT VOICES
MUTTERING, HOLLERING)
(DIALTONE BEEPING)
(GUTTURAL MURMURING)
(DISTANT CLUNKING
AND CLATTERING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUILDS)
- Knock, knock.
- (DOOR WHOOSHING)
Humphrey's office.
(MENACING MUSIC)
PAUL: It's not listening to us.
(FAINT DRIPPING)
SOPHIE: "Ripae mortuorum."
"Bank of the Dead."
"One way."
That was in my dream.
He said something about that.
I think I saw that.
In the fine print.
Here. "Bank of the Dead."
"By clicking 'agree',"
"I consent to signing
my soul, my entire soul,"
"and therefore all desires,
instincts and needs,"
"over to JW Wells and Company"
"to be held in the Bank
of the Dead for perpetuity."
"Forever and a day. In
all territories and universes."
Operation Fine Print.
- Humphrey and Dennis.
- They're stealing souls.
They stole my soul.
And now Humphrey's
gonna control the instincts
of anyone who signs this
or clicks 'agree'.
I mean, that could be
millions of people.
(GUTTURAL SNARLING)
PAUL: (NERVOUSLY) Sophie?
Maybe we should...
walk over here.
Yeah?
Just walk.
Don't make any sudden moves.
(UNEARTHLY GROWLING)
Nothing to panic about.
Just over here.
Slowly. Slowly.
Go.
(GATE CLANGS SHUT)
This has to be the way out.
(STARTLED SCREECHING)
(GRUNTING) SOPHIE: Paul?
(SOPHIE SCREAMS)
(SNARLING AND GROWLING)
(SCREECHING)
PAUL: Sophie, go! Through here!
(SNARLING)
PAUL: Go, go, go, go, go!
(SNARLING AND CLANGING
CONTINUES FAINTLY)
PAUL: You OK? SOPHIE: Yeah.
Yeah. Are you OK?
Yeah.
DENNIS: Did I give you
permission to be down here?
Let me think. No, I did not.
Mr Tanner,
the whole place is crawling
with the most disgusting,
hideous things.
Now, that is truly offensive.
These things are the reason...
(FURIOUSLY) ..you are forbidden
to be down here after hours!
It's not as if
you weren't warned!
You're a Goblin?
DENNIS: Ha!
How kind of you to notice.
(SCOFFS)
You humans are so stupid.
I've looked out for you
your whole life, Carpenter.
If it wasn't for the Goblins,
you'd still be picking fleas
off each other's back
and clubbing your food to death
with a jawbone.
And yet you ignored
my simple advice.
Now...
hand it over.
HUMPHREY: Dennis! Enough!
Mr Wells!
I expected so much more
from you, Paul.
It's after hours, Mr Wells.
I have it under control.
Oh, what would you have done?
Drooled them into submission?
You greasy,
- thug-nosed parasite.
- Give me the bag.
- Call off your toads.
- How dare you!
- Call them off!
- I'm not afraid of you.
This is my domain down here!
(GOBLINS GUFFAWING)
Careful, Dennis.
You ought to think
very carefully.
A gutter-living Goblin
challenging a Great Wizard?
Now, Mr Great Wizard,
you'd be nothing without us.
Who would line up
your clients? Hm?
Who would do
your grunt work? Eh?
And what would you do?
No jobs, nowhere to live.
No unlimited supply
of delicious pigeons.
(DENNIS SHOUTS)
- (GOBLINS GASPING, GROANING)
- Turn them back.
- Turn them back!
- Knock, knock.
- The door.
- Say somewhere.
Say nothing!
Who closes the door,
keeps the door.
(BOTH GRUNT AND GROAN)
I tried to say somewhere
but Humphrey stopped me.
- MAN: (DISTANTLY) Who are you?
- (GASPS)
- MAN: Do you have it?
- We have to get out of here!
MAN: Stay where you are.
PAUL: Whoa...
SOPHIE: Careful, Paul!
MAN: You can't get anywhere!
Unless you have it,
you can't leave!
- What's going on, Paul?
- (BOTH GASP)
- Who are you?
- You don't have it, do you?
The portable door.
- We did, but...
- Oh!
Wait! How do we get out of...?
PAUL: Wait!
SOPHIE: We have to get out!
Who closes the door,
keeps the door.
PAUL: What does that mean -
"who closes the door"?
Humphrey closed the door.
So he keeps it?
We're surrounded by doors, so
one of these must be a way out.
(SNEEZES)
Bless you.
You're in the Nether.
There are no doors
out of the Nether.
You're John Wells.
You've got Humphrey's soul.
How did you know that?
You made him sign his soul over
to you. That's the contract.
He was an evil child. Awful.
I needed insurance.
So you can control him, then?
You can make him let us out.
You don't think I would've
thought of that years ago?
I have the contract,
but it's pointless
if I can't get it to the Bank.
The Bank of the Dead...
Now, wait a minute.
You have a contract
for Humphrey Wells' soul?
And if we get it to the Bank,
he's yours?
Uh-huh.
You have indeed found the root
to the problem.
So we're here forever?
Yep.
I can find a way out.
It's what I do.
There are no doors
out of the Nether. Only in.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS)
I don't like this any more than
you do, but it has to be done.
Must, must, you dogs!
Haul your case,
you horrid little corgi!
(PUFFS)
So Humphrey used
the portable door
to get my soul
to the Bank of the Dead.
- (DOOR CLOSING)
- And to trap me.
But then it went missing,
so he needed Paul to find it.
(DOOR OPENING)
Nope.
(DOOR OPENING)
How did he trap you here?
He tricked me.
My baby dragon
was used to lure me in.
A very simple trick, really.
I shouldn't have fallen for it.
So cruel.
He left me with my books.
- Why?
- Something to read.
I mean, why here?
It's the only place
to hold a Great Wizard.
I'll be here forever.
It's different for you.
(DOOR CLOSING)
You'll run out of food
and water in a few days
and die a messy death.
And I'll be stuck with a couple
of decomposing corpses
and no place to put 'em.
(PAUL SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
I'm OK!
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(FAINT ELECTRONIC BUZZING)
(ELECTRONIC BUZZING
INTENSIFYING)
(ELECTRONIC BUZZING,
HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)
Found something!
This one actually
goes somewhere.
JOHN: Not possible.
(MAJESTIC MUSIC)
(GIGGLES)
I'm free!
I'm f...!
Paul Carpenter, you may
be more than just a Diviner.
Maybe you're a...
Yeah, let's go down a bit.
Maybe I'm a what?
I really wish
he'd finish his sentence.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- (GASPS)
Mr Wells! You're alive!
Yes, very much, Rosie.
Unfortunately
you might be too late.
Right! Now it's up to you two.
Take this
to the Bank of the Dead.
That will give me control
of Humphrey.
Actually, I'll come with you.
Um...
Uh, Rosie, get your husband.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Just follow me.
DENNIS:
you disgusting little trolls!
(SHOUTING AND COMMOTION)
SOPHIE: Those are the
contracts. All those souls.
The door must be nearby.
HUMPHREY: Dennis,
make them move!
Or do they need more
incentives? I'm very creative.
DENNIS: Come now, come along.
You heard Mr Wells.
You heard Mr...
You! What do you think
you're doing?!
Tea break is over.
What do you think this is?
Fortnum and bloody Mason?!
And you!
Get off your lardy arse!
Come along now. Everybody!
Come along!
This is not Paris! (CURSES)
It's not a garden party!
JOHN: The Bank is open.
Your contract will be inside.
SOPHIE: Where's Humphrey?
I'll take care of him.
You just take that contract
into the Bank.
Once it's deposited, he's mine.
HUMPHREY: Well, well, well...
DENNIS: Hurry it up!
Keep moving!
(EXPLOSION, DEBRIS SCATTERING)
(DENNIS GROANS)
(GOBLINS EXCLAIMING)
DENNIS: It's Mr Wells!
Hello, Father.
(SCREAMING, GASPING)
Go!
DENNIS: The Bank waits
for no man. Get back to work.
- (EXPLOSION)
- (GOBLINS SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS)
Keep calm!
Back to work!
Get up! Get up there! Get up!
- (GRUNTS)
- (SCREAMING)
- Sophie!
- Paul, Paul, the door!
Get it to the Bank!
Get him! SOPHIE: The door! Paul!
(GOBLINS SNARLING)
PAUL: Get off!
Get off! It's unseemly!
Get off that man!
(EXPLOSION)
(CROCKERY CLATTERING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Paul!
SOPHIE: (THINKS)
Countess, we need you.
Humphrey is stealing
millions of souls
and now he's going to
kill John Wells!
- (GROWLING)
- (SCREAMS)
Eric? Are you alright?
(YELPS) PAUL: Sophie!
Get off!
(GOBLIN GRUNTS)
You OK?
(GRUNTS)
(SNARLING)
- Mr Tanner!
- Yes?
PAUL: Help!
Don't do it, Dennis!
No. No, Sir Humphrey, of
course not. No, no, no, no...
Sorry about this, Paul.
Just obeying orders.
Comfort slot.
It's Monty!
And if I had my way, I'd shtonk
that Humphrey in the uhab.
PAUL: What?
Paul!
Mum!
ROSIE: Mr Wells! It's Arthur!
(ARTHUR GROWLS)
(ROARS IN GOBLIN DIALECT)
(EXHALES)
Arthur!
Rosie! My love!
Oh... Dad, you're back!
(ANGRILY) Dennis!
(HUSHED GASPING)
Ooh, have we been weakened
by the Nether?
Paul! Run!
Look out, Paul!
(PAUL GRUNTS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS)
Humphrey... Humphrey,
this is completely against
the Magician's Code of Conduct.
- Not one step closer.
- (PAUL GROANING)
Seems my father's not as
powerful as he thought he was.
What are you going to do,
Humphrey?
You'll have to kill us all.
Please, Humphrey, stop this now.
All I ever wanted
was to think big.
You weren't brave enough.
This company was behind
the moon landing,
the splitting of the atom!
For what?
Are humans
still ruining everything?
Of course they are.
Do they realise
what we do for them?
Of course they don't.
I will continue my plan alone,
now that the traitors
have been smoked out.
Yeah, rebellion's over.
You're all going to the Nether.
But first...
You.
Bring it over.
- (SOPHIE GROANS)
- No!
Now, Carpenter.
I want you to bring
that damn contract over to me.
I want you to bring my soul
over to me.
And I will hold it in front
of my father's fading eyes
and I want to tear it to shreds.
(JOHN MURMURING WEAKLY)
Because the last thing
you will see
is the end of your hold over me.
I...
What? What?
No. Sorry. Can't understand.
Did anyone understand what...?
No? (CHUCKLES)
Carpenter. Let's have it.
- NIENKE: No, Paul.
- Come on.
CASIMIR:
Paul, don't do it, please.
COUNTESS:
You can't give it to him.
Get moving.
Don't listen to them.
SOPHIE: Paul...
Paul.
If you can hear me,
touch your ear.
In the Nether,
with all those doors...
Keep on keeping on!
What if you didn't find
the way out?
What if you created it?
The Bank is right below you.
Make your own door, Paul.
Keep going! Come on!
(ETHEREAL CHORAL MUSIC)
(LOW RUMBLING,
MYSTICAL WHOOSHING)
(ETHEREAL CHORAL MUSIC BUILDS)
(EXHALES SOFTLY)
He's... vanished.
Where did he go?
(GROANS)
(MUZAK PLAYING FAINTLY)
(MUZAK PLAYING)
WOMAN: Next, please.
Mr Carpenter.
You're not due here
for 142 years.
Um...
I'd like to make a deposit.
Actually...
I'd like to make a trade.
(STAMP CLICKS)
(SOPHIE GASPS)
NIENKE: Mr Wells, he's done it.
You've got his soul.
Quickly.
- The door.
- The door!
NIENKE: Sophie, quickly,
get the door.
- SOPHIE: Knock, knock.
- (DOOR WHOOSHING)
(GOBLINS MUTTERING
AND GRUMBLING)
No.
No.
(WHIMPERING) Please...
(HUMPHREY SOBS SOFTLY)
(SOBBING) Please... please...
(SOBS)
Dad, please...
Please...
(HUMPHREY SOBBING)
- John.
- You must.
Go.
(SOBBING)
JOHN: Sophie,
will you get the door, please?
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
(LIVELY CHATTER)
(STIRRING MUSIC)
SOPHIE: What are you doing?
This door will never
be opened again.
But what about Paul?
How do we get him back?
Sophie...
(SOFT WHOOSHING)
(ALL CHEER)
Oh, um...
I think this belongs to you?
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
Dad! Mum! No!
We did it, Paul.
Not quite.
Forgot one.
Take a seat.
Dennis!
ARTHUR: Don't worry about
my turncoat, backstabbing son.
He won't bother you again,
will you, Den...?
(SNEEZES)
Sorry about that. (SNIFFLES)
Humphrey had to choose stapler,
didn't he?
Now, first order of business -
what to do with you two.
Paul,
with your... skillset,
we think you're most suited
to a junior position
in Lost and Found.
Oh, great.
PAUL: (THINKS)
You've got to be kidding me.
The past few years have been
a blight on our great firm.
Are you listening
to my thoughts?
JOHN: capturing of souls
is strictly against...
PAUL: (THINKS) Sophie?
NIENKE: It is indeed.
You have a tiny weird bug
on your forehead.
Sorry.
All souls have been returned...
PAUL: So now you can
hear my thoughts?
I can't block you out?
JOHN: ever.
COUNTESS: Absolutely.
- JOHN: Good...
- OK, then.
Can I ask, now that you have
full control of your instincts,
your heart,
do you still feel that way
for me?
JOHN: And, Sophie,
with your impressive abilities
and your natural talents,
you'll be fast-tracked
to the position of VP
in the Department
of Coincidensation.
Do you like the sound of that,
Sophie?
PAUL:
So, do you... feel the same?
JOHN: Sophie, do you?
Yes. I do.
Excellent.
(STIRRING MUSIC SWELLS)
(CLEANER HUMMING)
Housekeeping. Knock, knock.
(FRANTIC OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
(WHIMSICAL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
(FRENETIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
THURSTON HARRIS:
Little Bitty Pretty One
Mm, mm-mm, mm, mm, mm-mm
Mm-mm-mm, mm-mm, mm, mm
Mm, mm-mm, mm, mm, mm-mm
Mm-mm-mm, mm-mm, mm, mm
Mm, mm-mm, mm, mm, mm-mm...
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
- (RINGING CONTINUES)
- Little bitty pretty one
Come on and talk to me...
- (RINGING CONTINUES)
- Lovey dovey, lovey one
Come sit down on my knee
Oh, oh, whoa-whoa, whoa-oh
Oh, oh,
whoa-whoa, whoa-oh...
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Uh, Lost and Found?
Paul speaking.