The Private Eye (2024) Movie Script
1
(mellow music)
(light music)
(music continues)
(music continues)
(music continues)
(traffic whizzing)
(music fades)
- [Automated Voice] Please
leave a message after-
(receiver slams)
(Mort sighs)
- Where the hell is he?
(Mort sighs)
(light intriguing music)
(Bradley's throat clears)
You do know styrofoam is
not biodegradable, right?
- A simple thank you
would suffice (chuckles).
- Have you seen Henry?
I swear to you, this man
is on his last chance.
If he misses this armored truck,
he's hittin' the bricks.
I don't care.
- Maybe he's just runnin' behind.
- Hm mm.
Somethin's fishy about this.
I don't like it.
Maybe we should go look for him.
- (smirks) Who's gonna watch
the store, old timer, huh?
- Okay, all right.
Okay, you go look for him.
And if someone tries to rob
him, you'll get the jump on 'em.
- Not a problem.
I'll go do that, yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, I appreciate the extra
set of eyes around here.
I really do.
Especially with some nut job
robbin' all these movie stores.
- It's my pleasure, okay?
I patrolled these parts
for quite some time.
I know 'em like the back
of my hand (chuckles).
- Good man.
- Hey, is everything okay?
- Yeah.
(sighs) I'm just gonna miss walking
down these movie aisles, you know?
This business is dyin'.
- Ah, come on.
Place like this?
I mean, they'll always be around.
- I don't know.
You heard of this new Netflix thing?
- Yeah.
- Can't be good for business.
- [Bradley] Yeah, but look,
people like rituals, you know?
They love comin' into the
store, touchin' things,
havin' an experience, you know?
- [Mort] I hear you. Look, if
I could stay at home and watch
my favorite series from start to finish,
wearin' nothin' but a smile on my couch,
can't say I wouldn't.
- [Bradley] I guess.
(shop bell chimes)
Oh, take that.
- Shh.
Oh, looky here.
- (exhales) I'm sorry, Mr. Madison.
It won't happen again.
- [Mort] If it does happen again,
you're hittin' the
bricks, you understand me?
- Yeah, sure.
(water dripping)
(Mort groans)
(anticipatory music playing)
(can pops)
(Mort gulping)
(dripping continues)
(Mort groans)
(can crunching)
(can clattering)
(music continues)
(dripping continues)
(Mort sighing)
(lighter flicking)
(Mort exhales)
(light music)
- Hello, my name is Jedediah,
and I come to you today
because of my wife.
Breaks my heart tell you
that my wife ran away with another man.
Now, before we get into details,
let me tell you the backstory.
My wife Merlin always wanted to be famous.
She had the jewels, the
clothes, the walk, the talk.
She had the star mentality down to the T.
Merlin would practically do anything
to be in the limelight.
(Mort groans)
And I mean anything.
Because of that (indistinct),
it's the reason why I'm standin'
here in front of you today.
I wanted to know if you'll take her out.
And I'm not talkin' about a date.
So, you're a detective, but
that could be the perfect alibi.
I hired you to spy on her,
and you are the person who finds her dead,
murdered at the scene of the crime.
(lid clattering)
It's a win win.
You get to discover a murder,
make it on the front page of the paper,
and I get rid of my problem.
- [Mort] The life of a
private eye is tedious,
time consuming,
and under payed.
(urine splashing)
And that's during the best of times.
The rest of times it looks like this.
(splashing stops)
(Mort sighs)
(bottle thuds)
It's best to work outta your own home
to make yourself less conspicuous.
And sometimes there's no other choice.
Pursuing your passion
is a gift and a curse.
You do what you love every day,
but when things go south,
you only have the walls to yell at.
(air whooshing)
(fire crackling)
(helicopter whirring)
(doors closing)
(siren wailing)
The job description is very much
like running a small business.
I'm very much self-employed.
Unlike a police detective,
there's not much job security.
Being a private eye means
you either get the case
that the cops can't
provide hard evidence for,
or the cases they don't
want to take at all.
(dog barking)
Life wasn't always this way,
especially when the
infamous DVD Desperado,
Clive Campbell was still around.
The LAPD kept getting
reports about some wacko
who was knocking on video stores,
but in the weirdest ways.
That detective at the time
did not see the correlation
between the robberies.
Each heist was almost
directly lifted from a variety
of robberies that
appeared in the old black
and white film "The Private Eye."
Obviously, they weren't film buffs.
What kinda person doesn't
appreciate a good film noir?
- Dad, Daddy, I lost Fluffy.
- Oh, that's all right, buddy.
Fluffy will come back home.
Dogs always find their way back home.
- Okay.
- Oh, hey, you know, maybe
Mr. Madison can help.
- He scares me.
- That's all right, I'll take you.
- Okay.
- Come on.
(boy knocking)
(Mort sighs)
- What do you want?
- Please help me find my dog.
I don't know where it is.
Please help me find it.
- How much money you got?
- Well, I got a full piggy bank.
- You got it on you?
- No, but I can bring it tomorrow.
- It's enough for me.
- Okay.
- Let's not take
too much of the Detective's time.
- He's fine.
Just, I need that money.
(door closes)
(engine rumbling)
- [Henry] Look, sorry I'm late.
It won't happen again.
- No, I know it won't 'cause next time
you're hittin' the bricks, you understand?
- [Henry] I don't think so.
- Will you just wait in the back
until the armored truck gets here?
Would ya?
- [Henry] Yeah.
- You you go with him.
- [Customer] All right, let's see.
- [Customer] Let's see (indistinct).
Oh, they have "The Graduates."
- Oh.
- "Mrs. Robinson."
She's a baddie.
- You know, honestly,
I've rented this like five times.
Let's do somethin' else.
- What?
What (indistinct). Okay.
- We can keep it
(indistinct) but-
- You pick, you pick.
- [Customer] Oh, "Catch 22."
- [Customer] Okay (indistinct).
- I love this thing.
I remember the last time-
- Who told you about it?
- [Customer] Just somethin' I saw.
(anticipatory music)
- Something I can help you find?
- No, I'm good.
I can find what I'm lookin' for.
Crime drama?
Film noir, maybe?
- I got it.
I got it.
- All righty.
(anticipatory music)
- Got him.
- I don't think so.
- Good one, Mort.
- Yeah, Detective, you saved our lives.
- Eh, just doin' my job.
(air whooshing)
The police said there was no place
for a private eye in today's modern world.
No need for a flat foot or
gum shoe walking the beat.
Time to prove 'em wrong.
For everyone who loved Dick
Tracy and Sherlock Holmes
to show their private eyes
are cooler than any
movie star or celebrity.
We're with the good guys, damn it.
The heroes.
Once the tabloids heard
that Clive Campbell, AKA,
The Movie Murderer was apprehended
by a local private eye
and saved a police officer's ass,
they ate that shit up
like Halloween candy,
was on every magazine cover,
then boom, blacklisted by the LAPD.
I guess they must have been
bitter for the publicity.
That might have something to
do with the current situation.
(serene music)
- I don't want your excuses.
You said you'd help.
(clock ticking)
(gentle music)
You said you cared.
- You're not seeing things clearly.
Your chakras must be blocked.
- I'm gonna block your
shockers in about two seconds.
(metal clangs)
- Where's the ring?
- So now you care?
- Calm down.
(Michelle scoffs)
(serene music)
Let's cleanse those chakras.
(music continues)
(Michelle sighs)
Okay, hop down into cow pose.
- Don't give me that Hindu bullshit.
I thought you were a shrink,
not a yoga instructor.
Fine.
I'll do the damn yoga if you
do what you said you'd do.
- Fine.
(serene music)
Beautiful.
Now, close your eyes,
breathe in,
and breathe out.
(music continues)
Breathe in,
and out,
and in.
(shutter clicks)
- You gotta be fucking kidding me.
- I was merely checking the time.
- Everywhere I go, I'm
surrounded by swine.
- Look, I already deleted it.
(Michelle smirks)
- You always seem to assume
the worst of a situation.
I think that's worth exploring
in a deeper hypnotherapy session.
- Let's not, and say we did.
- Please just gimme a chance to help you.
Help me help you.
I'll take that as a yes.
Now, remove your shoes and lie back.
Good.
Relax your head.
Close your eyes and breathe.
One.
You're beginning to
leave your mortal shell.
Two.
You feel your spirit floating up
through the confines of the office.
Three.
Breathe deep, and
imagine the wind carrying
you through the stratosphere.
(Michelle gasps)
- Why are you touching me?
- The feet are connected
to all seven chakras
and our window into the-
- I told you to cut the OSHA routine.
This is reality.
I need real help.
- Sometimes the biggest
stuff is letting go
and relinquishing that control.
- Relinquish myself to you?
I don't think so.
Go fuck a sacred cow, David.
(door slams)
- I'm trying.
(horn honking)
(crickets chirping)
(mellow hip hop music)
Don't sleep on Pillow Head
Whoa
Sheesh
- [Mort] For the deadbeats,
or otherwise down on your luck
population, alcohol is king.
However, one who wants
to drink away their sorrows
while also attempting
to get their life back on
track has to tread lightly.
Certainly liquor is quicker,
but it's also a one way ticket
to getting branded as an alcoholic,
and alcoholics don't get work.
This is where the surge
of micro breweries has saved the day.
Now beer is like wine
differing from region,
variety, and most importantly, potency.
Just like wine,
you banished unparalleled knowledge
of independent breweries
and nobody thinks twice
to see you guzzling
a couple down at two p.m.
on a Wednesday afternoon (chuckles),
and it's 7% or more.
Hm, these puppies will have
you whistling "Cucaracha"
in no time flat without
the hard alcohol stigma.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- It looks like
it's the beginning.
- It's "The beginning
of a beautiful friendship,"
wouldn't you say?
"Casablanca," huh?
Must be Tuesday.
- Not bad.
But it's not only Tuesday.
It's also pay day.
So pay, on our way.
- Oh, come on, sweet cheeks.
Don't play me like that.
(upbeat music)
So here at Boomtown Rory,
we take three very special
ingredients to make our beer,
water, grain and yeast.
We take our grain and
grind it into a fine mash
and boil it in our baths
until it gets a nice sugary substance.
I know this, not because I care,
but because I've taken
this tour umpteen times.
Why would I take such a tour?
Hm.
Hm.
(music continues)
Free samples at the end.
When you run up the tab
at your liquor store,
you can always count on your
local brewery to support ya.
Mm mm.
(music continues)
(Mort exhales)
(music continues)
(glass slams)
(music fades)
(air whooshing)
Even when you're surrounded by filth,
you gotta keep at least
one thing that's beautiful.
It's good to be a plan, Dad.
(birds chirping)
(pot shatters)
Oh, shit.
(objects clattering)
Oh, God!
(Michelle knocks)
Hi, can I help you?
- Cut the shit.
- Sure.
Step into my office.
- Good God, this place is a pigsty.
Do we need to hire you a maid?
- Thanks for the snap judgements.
- It smells like piss in here.
It's not a snap judgment, it's a fact.
- Okay, do you come
here just to insult me,
or do you have a case?
(Michelle screams)
Okay.
Maybe you have the wrong address.
(Michelle sobbing)
I'm a private eye,
and I feel what you need is a shrink.
(Michelle sighing)
- Yeah, I have a case for you.
- Okay, now you're talkin' my language.
There we go.
First thing's first, details.
- (sighs) No details.
I need you to take care of someone for me.
- Okay, lady, I investigate murders, okay?
I don't instigate them.
- Well, at least scare
some into him for me.
- Does he hurt you?
Does this man abuse you?
(Mort sighs)
- I need your help.
Will you help me?
- That I might be able to do,
for the right price.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
(cans clattering)
- What did I say?
At least gimme your name.
- Some detective.
- Hey, hey.
Normally I'd let you
keep walkin', all right.
I need the money.
So if roughing up your
boyfriend or husband,
whoever it is, is gonna get me that money,
I'll do it.
- So you're a sell out?
- Listen, can we just
talk business, please?
I mean, I can work for it.
- Think of it as a retainer.
- Retainer works.
- Goodbye, Detective.
- Your name?
- Michelle.
- Michelle.
(light music)
(door opens)
(door closes)
Didn't get any information.
You didn't even get her phone number.
It's been too long since the last case.
Must be gettin' rusty.
(upbeat music)
(Mort sighs)
(bag rustling)
(cans clattering)
(music continues)
(objects rustling)
(music continues)
(Mort sighs)
(music fades)
(water splashing)
(light music)
(dishes clinking)
It feels good to have a female around.
Might be blowing it as a detective,
but at least there's a reason to blow it.
There's somethin' else,
but I can't quite put my finger on it.
She didn't give out any leads,
but mm, she's got a great ass (chuckles).
She's a hell of a woman.
(music continues)
(water splashing)
(unsettling music)
(light music)
(Mort exhales)
(birds chirping)
(light music)
(Michelle knocking)
- You're sweaty.
AC broken?
- [Mort] Funny.
Come in.
(door closes)
- Wow, you cleaned.
Gotta admit, I didn't know
what to think last time.
- Well, you can't judge
a book by its cover,
or a man by his habitat.
- Evidently not.
- A woman could spend an
entire lifetime with me
and still not know me.
- That a fact?
- Yes, it is.
I'm as mysterious as muff to a monk.
(Michelle laughs)
- What's mysterious is you using
the word muff in the 21st century.
- (chuckles) People
don't say that anymore?
- No.
- (chuckles) Vagina, got it.
(Michelle laughs)
Down to business.
- Mm.
- A few questions.
- I have a question for
you, if you don't mind,
before we get started.
- I mind, but you're the boss, so shoot.
- Are you married?
- I just don't really
see how that matters.
- It doesn't.
Can't a girl be curious?
- Well, since you're paying me, yeah.
Yes, I was married.
- What happened?
- (smirks) You're not paying
me enough to get into that.
Nice try, though.
I guess that's why you burned this.
- Burned what?
Where'd you get that?
Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- You know, I wouldn't
expect a beautiful woman
like you to be rummaging through garbage.
- You think I'm beautiful?
- I think we should get back to business.
(light music)
So how long has this been going on?
- About three years.
- [Mort] Michelle was a
prototype never intended
for mass production.
Her words could bring a man
to near tears one moment,
and then consumed by a
fit of laughter the next.
Yeah.
(music continues)
You have to wonder how her
relationship was on the rocks.
You have to wonder a lot of things
because Michelle is the kind
of girl that makes you wonder.
On second thought...
(music continues)
- If you've got one.
(Michelle laughs)
Can I offer you a glass
of coffee flavored water?
- Yeah, that'd be great.
- One sec.
So, I gotta ask why me?
- Why you what?
- Well, I mean, business hasn't
been exactly booming lately.
I'm sure you've noticed.
- You were bound to have
a customer again sometime.
Just happened to be me.
- Well, I'm glad.
There you go.
- Thank you.
- So what's the deal with
the guy you're seeing?
Your boyfriend, husband.
What's the deal?
- I already answered a bunch of questions.
- I know, but when did
you know that it was over?
- I just don't trust him anymore.
He's become a completely different person.
- Okay.
I'll keep an eye on him.
I'll be like his shadow at high
noon, invisible (chuckles).
(Michelle laughs)
Oh (sighs).
- Actually, I invited him to come here.
- Here?
- Yeah.
- For fuck's sake, Michelle.
It kinda defeats the purpose of having
a private detective, don't you think?
- I have more money.
- You're offering me more
money before I even ask for it?
This really is a different kind of case.
This will pay for the new suit
I have waiting for me
at the tailor, though.
- Oh, look at you, Morty.
Really cleanin' up your act.
- Yeah, well, you can't
teach an old dog new tricks,
but you can clean the shit from his fur.
- Are you walking to the tailor?
- How do you know I don't have a car?
- Come on, I'll drive you.
- That's really not necessary.
- I insist.
- (chuckles) It's not necessary.
I can take the bus.
- I insist.
Let's go.
- She insists.
(engine rumbling)
(dogs barking)
(Mort chuckles)
This is a nice car.
I can see myself in somethin' like this.
- Well, with all the
improvements you've been making,
I'm sure you'll have a
car like this in no time
and you can drive me places.
- Yeah, if you're still my client by then.
- I don't have to be your client
for you to drive me places, Mort.
- Don't tempt me.
- Why not?
- Because you don't know me, Michelle.
- I know you better than you think.
- No.
No, you don't, okay?
So, just stop.
- I'm not doing anything-
- Stop.
(Michelle scoffs)
- Look, I wanna thank you
for taking me to get my suit
and everything, I guess.
Thanks.
- [Michelle] You don't
have to thank me, Mort.
- [Mort] Well.
- I care about you more than you know.
- [Mort] Uh...
- Looks like someone's excited.
- Uh (laughs)...
- You don't have to hide it, Mort.
(fabric rustling rhythmically)
- Michelle, this is wildly inappropriate.
- You don't have to be shy with me.
- Fuck.
- Is that what you want?
- I...
I don't know what I want.
- Sure you do.
- Have you been tested recently?
- Seriously?
- What?
I'm trying to be responsible.
- Just because I wanna sleep
with you doesn't make me a slut, Mort.
- Well, I mean, you're taken so.
- According to who?
- According to you, and this case!
- Everything with you
is always so difficult.
- What do you mean always?
We've practically just met.
- All right, you wanna be like this?
Fine.
Get out.
- Are you...
If you wanna fuck, we can just fuck, okay?
It's that easy.
- I don't want to fuck, Mort, I...
I wanted to make love.
(Mort smirks)
- Yeah, maybe you should
have seen a therapist.
- Fuck you.
Get out.
Get out.
- That's not
what I meant, okay? You
know, I didn't mean it like-
- Get the fuck outta my car.
Get out!
(dog barking)
(light music)
(music continues)
- [Mort] It was one of those
dangerous Viagra type boners
that they warned you
about in the commercials.
If you have an erection
that lasts over four hours,
please seek immediate medical attention.
(upbeat music)
(pool balls clacking)
(music continues)
She's not my type,
but she's got that lonely,
desperate look goin' on.
Enough to give my rocks off.
- Hey man, what can I get for ya?
- I'm gonna do a whiskey on the rocks.
And get the young lady another
one of whatever she's having.
- You got it.
Comin' right up.
- Thank you.
- What are you supposed to be?
- Whatever you want me to be.
- Oh (chuckles), okay.
- Got you to laugh, didn't it?
- Only 'cause it was a sorry
excuse for a pickup line.
- Well, I'm a pretty sorry kind of guy.
- Good (chuckles).
- [Bartender] For the lady.
- Thank you.
- [Bartender] And for you, Sir.
- Thanks.
- You're really bad at this, huh?
- Mm.
The name is Mort.
- Oh.
- But yeah,
I'm pretty bad at this.
- Sadie (chuckles).
(throat clears) Well, listen,
I'm not here for company,
but I'm definitely here for the drinks.
So, sorry.
- Understood.
But if you're not here...
But if you're not here for the company,
why not just drink at home?
- Well, drinking at
home is very depressing.
- That's...
Touche.
(Sadie's throat clears)
That's fine.
I'm just waiting for somebody anyways.
- Are you?
That's bullshit.
- I am.
- I don't believe it.
I think you're just a desperate,
horny guy at a bar looking
to hook up with a desperate, lonely girl.
And I'm not desperate and I'm not lonely.
- Ouch.
Seems like you've got me all figured out.
I've got you all figured out too, Sadie.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm hm.
- Let's hear it.
- Well, for starters, you
are dressed incredibly sexy,
but you chose to come
to a dive bar knowing
that you'll be the hottest
girl in here without having
to try very hard because
you have low self-esteem.
- Is that all you got?
- Mm.
No, no.
I'm not done.
- Yeah.
- You turned me down,
which is not a surprise,
but I have a feeling
I'm not the first guy.
I'm probably the third or fourth.
Let's be honest.
You knew you were gonna
get that kind of attention
so you came here with the
purpose of turning guys down
one after another.
And you have makeup everywhere
but around your eyes,
so you've been crying,
messed up your makeup,
and in the midst of trying to fix it,
realized you must have
lost your mascara at home.
- Mm hm.
Almost, not all the way.
- Mm.
But here's the kicker, sweetheart.
You aren't here with any friends either,
which leads me to believe
that you don't have
any girlfriends anymore
because you are in a shitty relationship.
You were fighting with your
boyfriend, significant other,
and you've made the same
empty threat a times.
You're gonna go out and
find somebody better.
But you made this threat so many times
it doesn't have any impact anymore.
So you got dressed, stormed out.
You came here.
Even though you both know
it's just to spite him.
You'll have a few drinks,
boost your ego a little bit,
and then you'll come crawling back
and you'll apologize to him.
Even though he's the asshole.
But you know what?
He's your asshole.
And having him is better
than having nothing at all.
(Sadie's sighs)
(Sadie's throat clears)
So how close was I?
- What are you, a therapist?
(Mort chuckles)
- It feels like it sometimes, yeah.
But no, I'm a detective.
Shit.
I didn't mean to dig.
- Do you wanna get outta here?
- Yeah.
Absolutely.
(Sadie moans)
(upbeat music)
(Mort panting)
Oh my God.
Mm.
(Mort exhales)
Mm.
(Sadie giggles)
God.
- Oh, sorry.
- It's okay.
Oh, pants, right, right.
Oh, shit.
(Sadie squeals)
Oh, all right (chuckles).
I'm more attractive than I thought.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
(Mort panting)
(Sadie exclaims)
- What's wrong, what's wrong?
Do you need a Viagra or something?
- A Viagra?
I don't have any problems getting it up.
It's fine.
- Shit, I know what will work.
I got something.
- Okay.
(Sadie squeals)
Oh my God.
(Mort exhales)
- You like that?
- [Mort] Yeah, a lot.
- I knew you would.
(Mort panting)
(Sadie moans)
- [Sadie] Oh, Mort.
- Oh, oh, Michelle.
- [Sadie] Huh? Huh?
- Uh, I said Sadie.
- You said Michelle.
- I said Sadie.
- You have a girlfriend, I knew you did.
- I said Sadie.
I said Sadie.
(Sadie exclaims)
- That's why you're terrible
at pickup lines.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I don't have a girlfriend.
- You fucking do.
- No, I don't.
Shit, no, Michelle.
- Bye.
- She's a client of mine.
- Bye, Mort.
- I was seeing her
- Bye, Mort!
- before I went to the bar.
- Bye.
- Sadie!
- Bye.
- Sadie, come on.
It was a Freudian slip.
(Mort sighing)
- [TV Character] (indistinct)
and he was robbed
of everything down to his clothes.
Beat him nearly halfway to death and left-
- Now I'm hard (scoffs).
- [TV Character] On that day...
(door creaking)
- Mort?
(door slams)
(Michelle sighs)
(coffee can thuds)
(Mort gasping)
Really?
- Oh, God.
How the hell did you get in here?
- I've been knocking for 10 minutes.
- Yeah, next time that
happens, it means go away!
(Michelle chuckles)
I'm getting my beauty rest.
- It's past noon.
Beauty rest is over.
Plus, you know what they say.
Early to bed, early to rise
makes a man happy, wealthy and wise.
- (groans) well, I'm
sure whoever said that
was probably a miserable son of a bitch
who was just trying to fool everybody.
- No, that's you.
- Ouch.
- No, I mean, you're trying
to fool everyone into thinking
that you're a miserable son
of a bitch but you're not.
- I'll have to try harder.
- Nope.
I'm not done whipping you into shape.
- Michelle, I'm not sure...
I'm not sure if you remember this,
but you hired me, okay?
Not the other way around.
- Exactly.
I'm gonna get my money's worth.
Plus, look at all these
improvements you're making already.
- Mm hm.
Or maybe I'm not this new and improved guy
you're making me out to be.
- Well, you can fake it till you make it.
- You are full of cheap dimes
to our wisdom today, aren't you?
- Yep.
- Well, I know you didn't just
come here to bust my balls,
so what's up?
- I...
I signed you up to give
a motivational speech
in front of handicap patients.
- (chuckles) That's funny.
You're kidding.
Michelle, I am in no position
to give a motivational speech to anybody.
I need motivation.
- Well, you're the best they've got.
- In that case, they are fucked.
- Take this seriously.
- And what if I don't?
- No more money.
(coffee brewing)
- Fine, I'll write a speech
for the poor bastards.
- Better be good.
- (chuckles) That's funny.
I can guarantee it won't be.
- (laughs) Well, that's a start.
- I'm starting to feel
like a charity case.
- You're in need of some charity.
- Touche.
Well, make yourself at home (chuckles).
I'm gonna shit, shower and shave.
- Spare me the details.
- Hm.
- Here, gimme the shirt.
Maybe I can do something
about these wine stains
before it's too late.
- Oh yeah, they're everywhere.
- Oops.
Got it.
- Oh, thank you.
- Mm hm.
- Hm, gross.
Is this woman's perfume?
- No, it's...
- Who am I kidding (chuckles)?
- Excuse me?
- Hm?
- It could be perfume.
- Yeah?
- I could have any woman
I wanted, Michelle.
- Sure.
- If I wanted.
- Right, of course.
- I'm just busy.
- So busy.
- With whatever this is.
(hand slaps)
(Michelle laughs)
- Get in that shower.
Mm hm.
(curtain rungs clinking)
(water splashing)
(soft music)
(unsettling music)
(Mort thuds)
(Mort groans)
(music continues)
(splashing continues)
(Mort groans)
(David knocking)
- Fuck (groaning).
(knocking continues)
Michelle?
Michelle?
(knocking continues)
Oh, fuck.
(chiming music)
Yeah?
Can I help you?
- Do you know who I am?
- No, should I?
- You must be Mort.
Michelle sent me.
My name is David.
(anticipatory music)
- Of course it is.
- Dear Buddha, do you
know you're bleeding?
- Oh, this?
It's nothing. I was up late last night.
Your mom had put me through the headboard.
It was the craziest thing.
- I see what Michelle was talkin' about.
- She told you about me?
- She told me enough.
- Did she mention how
bad she wants to fuck me?
(David smirks)
- She said you might
say something like that.
- Well, I drive the ladies crazy, David.
- We need to talk.
- Yeah, I don't think so.
You're not callin' the
shots around here, okay?
- I know why Michelle is doing this.
- Okay, come in.
Shut the door.
(door closes)
Sit down.
This is a very interesting case.
It's the first investigation
where the person I'm investigating, you,
knows that I'm investigating them.
Coffee?
- Sure.
- Just kidding.
Now it doesn't make a lot of
sense to me, but here we are.
- I'm calling it off.
- I beg your pardon?
- I'm callin' the whole thing off.
It's a bad idea, you're
keeping your eye on me.
- Okay, but you can't do that.
- I'm doin' it now.
- Oh.
(Mort sighs)
You see that suit, David?
Did you buy me that suit?
- What are you talking about?
- It's a very simple
question, even for you.
Did you buy me that suit?
- You know I didn't.
- Hm.
Well, did you gimme the
money to buy that suit?
- Mort, please.
- Let me help you out, David.
No, you didn't.
But your Michelle did.
Yeah, you see, it's with her
money that I bought that suit
and I accepted that money under
the agreement that I'll be following
and possibly putting the
fear of God into you.
- You can keep the money and the suit.
- David, you are missing the point.
This is my job.
Okay?
I don't understand why Michelle
wants us to know each other.
That is not normally part of the gig.
And I, I have a feeling it's part
of some sick fantasy she's
dreamed up in her head.
But that's, it's really
neither here nor there.
What is relevant, however,
is that I have been broke
for a very long time.
And this is the first paid
gig that's come my way.
Even if it is just abiding
by some Twisted Housewives fantasy.
Money is money.
Do you understand me?
- I can pay you off.
- Get the fuck outta my house.
- Can we talk?
- You've been talking enough.
Get out.
You're starting to get on my nerves.
- Good.
Oh, that's fantastic 'cause you see,
I'm being paid to ruffle
your feathers, David.
- Okay, fine.
I'll stop seeing Michelle,
that way you have no case.
- That's a hell of a broad
you'd be pissing away.
- You can piss her way better than me.
- And what is that supposed to mean?
- Forget about it.
We should have never met.
- Yeah, no shit Sherlock.
It's a little late for that.
- You're not ready for this.
- Hm, no.
You're not ready for this.
(hand slaps)
(light music)
- I fear for your soul.
- My soul?
You should fear for what's
gonna happen to your face
if you weren't out of
here five minutes ago.
(music continues)
(door slams)
Oh!
(anticipatory music)
(Mort panting)
- Hey!
- Sorry, kid.
Official detective business.
- Bro, what the heck?
(light music)
(pedals squeaking)
(music continues)
(squeaking continues)
(music continues)
- How'd it go?
(David scoffs)
I'm guessing that well?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Don't be a sissy.
- You wanna talk about it?
He's a fuckin' psychopath just like you.
- Oh, baby, don't hurt my feelings.
- I don't want any part of this.
I'm done.
- What did you say to him?
- The same thing I just told you.
- You didn't.
- I didn't tell him about everything.
I'm still a professional.
(Michelle scoffs)
I just told him that I'm
calling off the case.
- And he punched you?
(David tsks)
Yeah, that's loyalty.
- You have serious problems.
- Well, yeah.
Why do you think I've stuck
with you for this long?
- I have some theories.
- (scoffs) Please, don't flatter yourself.
It's cold.
- I know you remember.
(light music)
Shh
(music continues)
- Bingo.
- Oh my God, oh my God.
- It's not like that anymore.
- Oh, yeah.
Then how is it Michelle?
- This is done.
- Bingo.
(upbeat music)
- I'm tired of your fucking games.
- You're the one playing games.
Fuck you.
(plate shatters)
- [Michelle] No, fuck you!
I need this.
Get the fuck outta my way.
I am outta here.
(dogs barking)
Get your hands off of me!
- No (indistinct).
- Jesus!
(music continues)
(keypad beeping)
(line trilling)
- [Operator] This is 911.
What is your emergency?
- We have an active intruder
here at the complex.
- Gimme that.
- Yeah, 911, I presume?
- [Operator] This is 911.
Can you hear me?
- Perfect, there is a sexual assault
happening right now at 513
Baker Street, second floor.
Get here.
- Such a dick.
(fist pounding)
Michelle!
Michelle!
- Mort?
- Come here, come here.
- When-
- [Mort] Look at me.
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Look-
- I'm fine.
- He didn't hurt you, did he?
- No.
- [Mort] Tell me he didn't.
- No, Mort.
- Don't lie to me, Michelle.
- I'm not lying to you.
You don't think I can handle myself?
- You don't have to protect him.
- I'm not protecting him.
I'm protecting you.
- David!
David, you fucked up.
- Mort, Mort, we can't be together
if you're serving a lifetime in prison.
- Be together?
What are you talking about?
David!
- Mort?
Don't you love me?
- I...
- Mort.
(light music)
(Michelle moans softly)
Do you love me?
Yeah?
- I do.
I love you.
- Let's run away together.
Let's leave tonight.
Right now.
Right now.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You fucked up, David.
You're lucky the cops are gonna
be dealin' with you this
time you piece of shit.
Michelle, wait.
How long have we known each other?
- [Michelle] What do you mean?
- I've just got this
feeling that I can't shake.
- [Michelle] What kind of feeling?
- Like we've done this.
(Michelle gasps)
- That's him.
- Freeze!
Get your hands up.
- Yo, you've got the wrong guy.
You've got the wrong guy.
Turn around and put your
hands behind your back.
You're under arrest for trespassing.
Are you serious?
- Absolutely. Anything you
say can and will be used
against you in a court of law.
- You've got the wrong guy.
He's upstairs in 207.
- [Michelle] Mort, what do we do?
- Just relax, baby, okay?
I'm gonna be in and out
in no time, all right?
- Okay.
- Ma'am, back up.
- Just wait from you, okay?
- You have the right to an attorney.
If you can't afford one,
the state will provide one.
- Mort, I love you.
(cell door slams)
- [?] Shacked up with
the heaviest breather
in the LA County municipal system.
(inmate snoring)
Not a wink of sleep.
And it wasn't just because of
Mr. Sleep Apnea down there.
I was up all night
thinkin' about Michelle.
Thinkin' about where we could run away to.
Thinkin' about us growin' old together.
And at the same time,
wrestling with a thought
that's been gnawing at my
brain like a dog on a bone.
Why does Michelle feel so damned familiar?
- Mort Madison, you have a visitor.
(snoring continues)
(Mort sighs)
(keys jingling)
(door slams)
(Mort sighs)
- Look at you, old timer (chuckles).
- Are you my lawyer or something?
- Still don't remember me, do you?
- What's your name?
- Bradley.
Jeff Bradley.
Ring any bells?
- Wait a minute.
We worked at that movie store
job together, didn't we?
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah (laughs).
Yeah, I knew you'd remember.
Man, I heard you got yourself
in quite a bit of trouble down here.
Locked up.
I had to come check your house,
see what all fuss was about.
- It's nothin'.
They just got me for trespassing
and attempted assault,
(chuckles) which obviously
the latter is bullshit,
so that'll be dropped.
But I'm in here for a few weeks,
at least until I get bail posted.
- Well, you look a hell of a lot better
than the last time I seen you.
Good to see ya.
- (chuckles) Thanks, man.
I appreciate that.
- I'm sorry, Mort.
You know, for everything.
- I don't understand.
What do you mean?
- Look, you take care of yourself, okay?
- All right, time to go.
- That's it?
I thought you were gonna
bust me outta here, man.
Get your hands off me.
- Good to see you
- I don't belong here.
- old timer. (door creaks)
(door slams)
- [Guard] Ready to go?
- Yeah.
(upbeat music)
(door creaks)
Thank you, thank you (sighs).
(door closes)
- [Mort] What's going on with my mind?
Why is my mind playing tricks?
Oh!
(Mort groaning)
(high pitched ringing)
- Come here, come here, come here.
Come here (indistinct).
Okay, eyes on me.
Eyes on me, eyes on me.
Stay with me, stay with me.
There we go.
- What are you doing?
- Just making sure you don't
give yourself concussion on
this God damn concrete, man.
Stay with me.
Breathe, breathe (exhales).
Gimme a big breath.
There you go, pal, enjoy.
(Mort exhaling)
- Thanks.
- Phew.
Scared the shit outta me, Pal.
Just breathe.
There you go, that's what you need to do.
You need that.
- I'm guessing you're the
expert, Mr. Sleep Apnea?
- Stay still.
- Thanks.
- Don't try to stand up.
- I'm okay.
- No, come on.
Just be cool.
- I'm fine.
- Don't stand up.
Don't stand up.
- I'm not gonna stand up.
I just need to get off of your lap.
(Mort groans)
(Edmond's throat clears)
- You really should get
checked out by a doctor.
- So should you.
- I won't be bothered for long.
I'm outta here in a day or two tops.
- Open a showcase like mine, huh?
(Edmond laughs)
- I wish it was.
Afraid not.
Just biding my time till they transfer
me outta here to San Quentin
or wherever the fuck it
is they're gonna send me.
You're breathing shallow.
Breathe deep.
Go (inhales).
Deep exhale, there you go.
(Mort exhales)
- You know, San Quentin's no joke.
- [Guard] Mort Madison, you got mail.
- Look at you, Mr. Popular.
(Mort panting)
- [Michelle] "Hello, Mort."
- Who's it from?
- The woman I'm running away with.
- [Michelle] "I was hoping to run away
with you before this day happened.
I had to write to you because what I have
to tell you why I didn't have the guts
to say to you in person.
I'm leaving for good, Mort,
and I'm not looking back.
I need to start a new life
with a clean slate in a town
where no one knows my name.
Mort, I will always love you.
I want you to remember me for who I am,
not for who you made me out to be.
Yours forever, Michelle."
- How's she doin'?
- What the fuck is this?
- Looks like that might
have been a sad letter, huh?
- "Made you out to be?"
Michelle!
- What's the story, pal?
- I don't know.
I feel like I'm stuck in the
fucking twilight zone, man.
I don't know.
I have no fucking clue.
- With women, buddy,
it's never cut and dry.
- Yeah.
(sniffles) What the hell
do you know about it?
- You asked me why I was
goin' to San Quentin.
Because of a woman.
- Really?
- Humans comes in all
shapes and size of buddy,
but in the end we're all the same.
- Except you're different.
- Except I'm different.
What the fuck does that mean?
- It means that I'm in here for a girl.
You're in here for a girl (sniffles).
The only difference is I'm about
to pull my fucking hair out
and you're just as calm as a
Hindu cow in a slaughterhouse.
How?
- Look pal, I killed a man.
I killed a man.
(Mort sniffs)
I know what you might think,
but I know the weight of what I've done.
- But you have no remorse?
- None.
(Mort chuckles)
- You're what we would
call a natural born killer.
- Huh?
- I've met a lot of people
like you in my line of work.
I never could understand
how you can live with yourself.
- But you've wondered.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Want me to tell you?
- I don't exactly have anything
more pressing right now.
Sure.
- So in your line of work,
you treat every murder the same, right?
- Pretty much.
- And when you catch a murderer,
it's always sentenced the same way, right?
- No, not always.
It depends on a couple of factors.
There's criminal record,
psychiatrical exam, intent.
- Precisely, intent.
Now, one could argue that you could do
the worst thing possible with
the best of intentions, right?
- Yeah, I guess, but killing is killing.
A healthy mind must be
able to cope with that.
- I'll bet some people you encounter
were just slay me remorseless,
and you wrote them off as crazy
or either really good at
hiding their feelings.
And you're probably
right most of the time.
But what I'm telling you is
most of 'em were just like me.
So sure their intent of their feelings
with that is satisfaction.
They had fulfilled their duty.
- It still sounds pretty
nutty to the average Joe.
- You being the average Joe?
- I'm not the killer.
- (chuckles) You're a fucking woman.
It is no different from a
soldier killing the enemy
'cause they were ordered to.
- And then they get PTSD.
- Some of 'em do, but not all of 'em.
And the ones who don't, believe me,
are so in their mission they
sleep like babies at night.
- How do you know that?
- Because of how I sleep at night.
- With sleep apnea?
- I've always had sleep apnea.
(Mort groans)
- You forgot one crucial detail.
- You want to know what I
did, what my mission was?
I'll let you read the
details in the paper.
But my mission, my mission was love.
(anticipatory music)
(food sizzling)
- [Michelle] Morning.
- Morning.
- Mm.
- How did I get so lucky?
- Hm.
- Look at this, orange juice, eggs, love.
What more could we ask for?
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
You know, I've been
thinking a lot about this
and I think it's time.
I'm gonna sell the business.
Retire.
- Are you serious?
- Mm hm.
That way we can run
away together, finally.
Besides the competition's
gettin' too tough
and I'm ready to jump outta the game.
- Are you sure because that means
you would have to spend every
moment of every day with me.
- On second thought...
(Michelle laughs)
(light music)
- Uh, uh, uh, mm mm.
No, I'm gonna leave for work.
- Aw, it's never stopped you before.
- I know, but today is a big delivery.
- It's a big delivery?
- Not for you.
(Michelle chuckles)
I'll see you.
(light music)
- Oh, you forgot your breakfast.
- Oh.
(shot firing echoes)
(Mort gasping)
(light music)
(music continues)
(Mort grunting)
- David.
- Who's David?
- I didn't even know you were awake.
(light music)
(Michelle knocking)
(dogs barking)
- Are you okay?
(door creaks)
I knew you'd be back.
- I came to say goodbye.
Oh.
You know I hate that shit.
- I was blessing the apartment.
- Of course you were.
- Goodbye?
Where are you going?
- There's nothing left for me here.
- [David] I'm still here.
- Like I said, there's
nothing left for me here.
(can pops)
Mm (sighs).
- [David] I didn't think I'd
see you again after last time.
- Yeah, well, you really shouldn't be.
You're a real piece of shit, you know?
- [David] You didn't
come here to say goodbye.
- Mm.
I really did.
- If you were really
planning on leaving for good,
you would've just left without a word.
But you didn't.
You chose to come back here.
- Yeah, I thought it might be nice to talk
through a major life decision
like this with someone, anyone.
But I'm already regretting it.
- So, where are you gonna go?
- Somewhere up north.
- Where up north?
- Nice try.
- Well, you said you
needed someone to talk to,
which means you want my opinion.
I think you should take
your time and think it over.
- (sighs) If I take time to think it over,
I might not leave and I can't
be here when Mort gets out.
- Yeah, when is that exactly?
- Worry much?
- Yeah, actually I do.
- Like two weeks.
- Damn.
I wonder how long it takes
to clear a gun purchase.
- That's not funny.
- I need something in case
that crazy psychopath comes after me.
- I hope he does come after you.
- I don't know why you're
acting like this with me.
You came to me for help and
all I've done is help you.
- You've fucked shit up
more than you've helped.
- How?
By falling for you?
- Lusting is not the
same as falling in love.
- Okay, so maybe I haven't gone
about things in the right way,
but that doesn't change
what's in my heart.
- We fucked once.
- It was the best sex I've ever had.
- (laughs) Huh.
Flattering as that may be,
I only slept with you out of
desperation and confusion.
It happened to be with you
because you happened to be
the easiest opportunity.
- You know there was more to it than that.
- Yeah, me opening up to
you because it's your job
and you taking advantage
of me, you sick fuck.
- Michelle,
I'm not this monster
you're trying to make me out to be.
- All evidence to the contrary.
- When are you leaving?
- Today.
- Today?
- Bags are packed downstairs.
- Let me come with you
just until you get settled.
- Hard pass.
Goodbye, David.
(door opens)
(door closes)
- That was a hell of a ride.
(light music)
- [Man] Right here, right
here. Right here, right here.
Right here?
- Yeah.
- That's a nice ass car.
- Coke and weed, coke
and weed, coke and weed.
- I have no need for any
of those, my friends.
Do you have a gun for sale?
- (coughs) Snitch.
- Are are you 12?
- 12?
- The cops, the police, the feds.
- Do I look like the cops?
- A undercover cop.
What you think, D?
- I'm thinkin' we need
to have referral form.
- You see, that's your problem.
You always trustin' everybody, man.
You remember what happened last time?
- Sorry to interrupt.
- Hey!
Don't you hear two grown men talkin'?
- Hey, you're the one
who's about to lose a sale.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's just a formality.
I don't do entrapment.
You not the cops, right?
- I am not the cops.
- Follow us.
- Yeah, follow us.
(light music)
- Come on.
Cough it up, come on.
- What?
- The money.
- How much?
- 50.
- $50.
- 50 bucks?
- Hell, yeah it's 50.
- 50 bucks.
- Hurry up.
- Yep, come on.
- Shit.
- Come on, man, come on.
- Gosh.
- Does it look right?
- It's good.
(fist banging rhythmically)
(men laughing)
- (laughs) Sucker!
(door opens)
(light music)
- Who the fuck are you?
- Who, me?
- Who the fuck else would I be talking to?
- Listen, I don't want any problems.
I just heard you sell guns.
- Who the fuck...
Oh, must be Stone.
That mother fucker owes me money.
Did you bring my mother fuckin' money?
- Look, I just came here to buy a gun.
Do you want my money or not?
- Guns?
I don't see any guns.
- What about the wall of guns behind you?
(door sliding)
(door thuds)
- Like I said, I don't see any guns.
- Come on, man.
Your negative vibes are
seepin' through your pores.
Just do me a solid and sell it to me.
- Vibes?
Fuck of malaka.
- Please, this is a
life or death situation.
I wouldn't be here if I didn't need it.
- What part of fuck off
didn't you understand?
Get the fuck outta here.
(light music)
Fuckin' hippies.
(door rattling)
(air whooshing)
(light music)
(Mort groans)
- [Mort] How long has it been?
Long enough to be
transferred to San Quentin,
or wherever the fuck.
(music continues)
- All right princess, your chariot awaits.
- Chariot to where?
- Well, they're releasing you early.
You know, man of your
age shouldn't be caught
in a hellhole like this anyway.
- Just when I thought I
couldn't catch a break.
- Well, it's your lucky day.
String a bus dug up a lot of trash.
Turns out there's even bigger pieces
of shit in this town than you.
- Hm.
It's news to me (groans).
What he said was still
lingering in my mind
like my own consensus.
He may have been crazy,
but the man was right about one thing.
When you know what you want in this world,
you sleep like a baby.
I haven't slept like that in years.
Maybe I never slept that well.
Here it is, the stars aligning.
If Michelle is really leaving the trail
might have gone cold while
running away in that cell.
It's destiny to get out early.
I can't make sense of it.
I can't make sense of anything these days.
(Mort panting)
(light music)
The money's said it all.
(Mort gasping)
(keypad beeping)
(line trilling)
- [Arrow Cabs Employee] Arrow
Cabs, how can I help you?
- Hi, yes, I need a cab.
(lighter flicks)
- [Carl] What you doing back there?
- [Mort] Relax.
- [Carl] You know that's
how forest fires start?
- I don't see any forests around here,
do you?
- You know what?
- How about you just watch your mouth?
I don't care how old you are,
I'll come back there and kick your ass.
- All right.
Pull over up here by that red gate.
- All right, man.
It's gonna be-
- No, I'm not getting out yet.
- You're not?
- No, keep the meter running.
- We casin' the joint?
- Oh, Jesus Christ, man.
What the hell's the matter with you?
We're not robbing anybody.
- Hey man, this is why I took this job.
It's been nothing like the movies.
Just a bunch of drunk people
throwin' up in the backseat.
- Oh, well that explains the smell.
- Look, if you say follow the car,
you will not be disappointed.
I've been waitin' for this
opportunity my whole life.
- Okay, will you just put the gun down?
- Okay, fine.
But listen, I already cocked it.
I gotta shoot somebody.
- All right, we're just
waiting for somebody.
- All right fine.
You the boss.
So, who we waitin' on?
- I will literally pay
you more money to shut up.
- Come on, man, don't gotta be like that.
- Okay, you gotta swear not to
tell anybody, you understand?
This cab ride never happened.
- Who am I gonna tell, man?
I got warrants.
- I'm a detective.
- Okay, I'm just jokin'
about them warrants.
- (sighs) I fell in love
with a client of mine.
Hard.
I had love to tell you why,
but I honestly don't know.
But she left and I'm gonna get her back.
- Man, that is beautiful.
(chuckles) Is she who we waitin' for?
- No, we're waiting for a guy
that I need to question to
find out where she went.
- Okay, you need help
puttin' him in the trunk?
I'm down.
- No.
That will not be necessary.
- Hey man, you the most interesting person
to ever be in this cab (chuckles).
Hey, I'm Carl by the way.
Friends call me Crazy Carl.
- I bet they do.
(Carl chuckles)
I'm Mort.
Oh, shit.
Okay, that's the guy.
All right, you're gonna
wait here for 15 minutes,
then you can go.
All right?
- Got it.
(Mort exhales)
- [Mort] All right, thanks Carl.
- Yeah, man.
Good luck!
- Shh!
- Sorry.
(light music)
(music fades)
- David?
David, David, we need to talk.
David, we need to talk.
(Mort groans)
God damn it!
Oh, what the fuck was that for?
- It's either gonna be you or me buddy,
and it ain't gonna be me.
- Wait, wait.
I didn't come here to hurt you.
- Oh yeah, like I'm gonna believe that.
- Michelle sent me a letter in jail.
A goodbye note.
- She was here earlier.
She's gone, Mort.
You ruined her life.
- Okay, well the note she
gave me concerns both of us.
I doubt that.
- Will you just put the knife down?
Just put it down, man.
I'm not gonna touch you.
- Why are you here?
- It was a suicide note, David.
She's gonna kill herself,
probably as we speak, or as you stab me.
Put it down.
You crazy...
- Crazy? You're crazy.
- Jesus (exhales).
- Let me see the note.
- I don't have it.
I burned it in the cab ride over here.
- Bullshit.
- I did.
You can ask the cabbie for yourself.
I told him to wait downstairs
in case you weren't here.
Go ask him.
- Mort, I'm pretty sure I'd know
if she's gonna commit suicide.
I'm a therapist.
- Okay, what a great
therapist you are, David.
Go ask him before he leaves.
He's gonna corroborate my story
and we gotta get over there, man.
We're wasting time.
- Over where?
- I'll tell you on the way, okay?
We'll take your car, come on.
Come on.
Oh, thank God.
- What the hell is goin' on here?
Hey, what the hell happened to you?
Is this dude right here-
- No, he's okay, he's okay.
It's fine, it's fine.
Just ask him.
- Ask me what?
- Did this man burn something
in the back of your cab?
- Is this a test?
- It isn't a test, answer him.
Tell him.
- Yeah, as soon as he got in.
- Happy?
- Carl, thank you.
(Carl laughs)
Let's go.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
I can take you wherever you
need to go. You got me all day.
You goin' to get the girl?
I'll help you get the girl.
- That's not gonna be necessary.
Thank you, though.
- All right, well, hey, take
care of yourself, all right?
'Cause you look terrible, you old geezer.
- I'm looking' better than you.
- Wait here, I'll get the car.
- We can still put him in the trunk.
Lot of space in the trunk.
(light music)
- [David] Where are we driving?
- [Mort] That, the big
bridge over the LA River.
- [David] She said in the note
she was gonna jump off a bridge?
- Yep.
- That seems odd that she'd say where.
- It's not that odd.
Maybe she wants to be stopped,
like a cry for help or some shit.
I don't know, David.
You're her therapist.
Why would I tell you this?
- That does make sense.
She seemed confused when
she came over earlier.
Part of me wishes I
would've never met her.
- How do you mean?
- I have to come clean to you, Mort,
and I don't know how
you're gonna take this,
but I'm gonna say it anyway.
You're not well.
I mean, you're severely handicapped.
(Mort smirks)
Michelle hired me to
treat you on the grounds
that I couldn't tell you
you were being treated.
- Treated for what?
- You really don't have a clue do you?
You and Michelle are married
and you owned a very
successful video franchise.
You just can't remember.
You needed help and she said
you would never see a shrink.
- Not one like you.
- I shouldn't have agreed,
but obviously I did.
- And then you stayed on the case
because you had fallen in love with her,
didn't you?
- I don't need
to talk about that part.
- You just said you wanted to come clean.
- Yeah, about you and me.
- And you falling for
Michelle doesn't involve me?
- Yeah, I guess you're right.
- Yeah.
- You really don't have any
memory of your accident?
(anticipatory music)
- [Mort] 'Cause next time
you're hittin' the bricks.
Understood?
(shot firing)
(light music)
- Dad, Daddy, I lost Fluffy.
- Oh, that's all right, buddy.
Fluffy will come back.
Dogs always find their way home.
- Okay.
- Hey, you know Mr. Madison
might be able to help.
- But he scares me.
- [Michelle] I know you
better than you think.
Do we need to hire you a maid?
(dramatic music)
I care about you more than you know.
- [Mort] How do you
know I don't have a car?
- [Michelle] Everything with
you is always so difficult.
- [Mort] What do you mean always?
That's a hell of a broad
you'd be pissing away.
- [David] You can piss
her way better than me.
- I'm not protecting
him, I'm protecting you.
Forgetting something.
You don't have to be shy with me.
- [Mort] Look at you all the time.
Hell of a lot better than
the last time I seen you.
(shots firing)
(light music)
- [Bradley] Good to see you, old timer.
- [Guard] You know, man of
your age shouldn't be caught
in a hellhole like this anyway.
- 'Cause you look terrible,
- Mort!
- [Carl] you old geezer.
- Mort!
No, Mort!
Mort!
Can you hear me, Mort?
Mort!
- [David] Mort, Mort?
Mort?
Mort?
Return to the present, Mort.
- It was...
It wasn't a dream after all?
Man.
(exhales) That explains a lot.
- What do you remember?
- It's not time for a therapy session,
thank you very much more.
- Mort, you just let me do the talking.
- Yeah, right.
- You're not stable.
I don't want you to say something
that might make her jump
if she hasn't already.
- Okay, okay.
(light music)
- It was right up here.
- You sure this is the bridge?
- Yeah, this is it.
Right in the middle.
Yeah, I would call it right
about right about here.
Yeah.
She went up and over.
Yep.
- You sure this is the bridge?
- Yeah, I'm positive.
Hey man, lemme see her phone.
- I don't think she'll answer.
- That's all right.
(David grunts)
(Mort grunts)
(David screams)
(water trickling)
(keypad beeping)
(light music)
(Michelle sighs)
(message dings)
- Oh God, no (exhales).
Fuck.
(sighs) Fuck!
(light music)
(door slams)
(Michelle chuckles)
(music continues)
- Hey Mort, thanks again for
talking to these patients.
It really means a lot.
- Hi, guys.
- Hello, gentlemen.
This is Mort Madison.
He was also a victim of gun violence
and he's fully recovered.
He came here today to share
his experience with you.
Mort, I'll let you take it from here.
- Thank you, Bob.
Old dear family friend.
So, the two of you probably have no idea
who I am and that's okay.
I wish I could say won the Medal of Honor,
or I got my face in the
front of a newspaper,
took a blow to the head
just to make the world a better place,
but that's all bullshit
compared to the real reason
I'm here to speak to you today.
I came to tell you kids how lucky I am.
I used to be the owner
of a video rental store.
I made more money than I could count.
I married my dream girl
and I bought the house I'd always wanted.
But like all good things,
it came to an end.
Mostly because of my stubbornness
to evolve with technology.
My business was failing and because
of my addiction to materialistic success,
I was never home and spent
no quality time with my wife.
Happy life, happy wife.
So you have to ask
yourself, what is success?
What does success really
mean to you, the successee?
What do you wanna do with
the rest of your lives?
The rest of your lives.
When I was a young boy,
my favorite movie was "The Private Eye."
It was a movie about a detective
who always solved the crime
using intricate clues,
always bagged the bad guy,
and he would always, and I
mean always get the girl.
Now my point is I always
wanted to be a detective.
I always wanted to be the private eye.
But when I turned into
an adult, I realized,
I realized I'd forgotten my dream.
Years later, years later as a young adult,
I got shot in the head.
Shot in the head.
And I forgot literally everything.
The money, the house, I
even forgot my own wife.
But there was one thing I remembered.
I remembered who I wanted to be.
How I wanted to dress, walk, talk.
I became "The Private Eye"
I always wanted to be.
Then I felt something I never felt before.
Success.
I felt success.
I started living my life
the way I'd always wanted.
Living the way you want to live.
That is success.
I wasn't happy because I wanted
to live the stories I was
selling in my video store.
And trust me, life is too short
to be living someone else's dream.
It's ironic.
I had to lose everything just
to remember what's most
important, who I really am.
Guys, don't ever forget
who you really are.
Hello, darling.
(Michelle chuckles)
(Mort exhales)
You know, a wise man
once told me, he said,
"If you have a mission, if
you have a purpose in life,
you will sleep like a
baby every single night."
Now do either of you wanna
share something with me?
Yeah?
- Oh, doing an undercover
sting I got shot,
things went haywire.
My partner ended up
shootin' me in my abdomen.
- I can see that.
- Oh.
- (chuckles) Good deal.
What?
- Well,
I was out on 60th and 10th
in a place I had no business bein'.
(indistinct) ain't got no names.
That's what my mom always used to say.
By the grace of God, I'm still here.
- That's tough.
I have loved talking to you both.
Get well soon.
We need ya, okay?
Peace out.
Hey, doll.
- Hi.
Well, I didn't catch the first half
but the second half was pretty
rambling and incoherent.
(Mort chuckles)
- I thought you'd like it.
Michelle, thank you for
never giving up on me.
- We really have to talk about David.
- Not now.
There's something more important.
- What?
- I remember.
I told her I remember,
which I don't really,
but that doesn't matter.
Yeah.
Let's run away.
She's as beautiful as the day I met her.
(Michelle giggles)
(upbeat music)
(music continues)
(music continues)
- [Officer] LAPD, everyone
get down right now!
- [Officer] Get down now!
(music continues)
(button clicks)
(music continues)
- [Officer] All rooms are clear, Sir.
- We're done here.
Pack it up.
(music continues)
(music fades)
(mellow hip hop music)
Don't sleep on Pillow Head
Whoa
Sheesh
Uh
Fuck it up
Uh
I'm back, bitch
Uh
Yeah, drippin' in brand new clothes
Sittin' in brand new ride
Bitch, I'm back from 1305
I kept that shit too live
Super king runnin' through my veins
Have a check for me
I'll let you see
Y'all niggas ain't fast
as me and this a SUV
Pulled up in a 'mote
control car just like a star
Whoa
Bitch, you keep tryna go tit for tat
You aint gon' get that far
No
Lil queen done bought me a drink
And throwin' that ass on me at the bar
She started takin' it off in the car
She started breakin' me off in the car
The whip on autopilot
Whoa
Ya bitch on auto slobbin'
I don't gotta problem
Don't
I don't gotta rob 'em
Don't
Get some women in ya life
and run a bag up quick
Me and my tribe ain't
nothin' but loyal
And you ain't nothin' but a bitch
I got some solid bad
bitches that fuck with me
A lotta bitch ass niggas gave up on me
Bitch
And when they see me they be
tryin' to say what's up to me
What
I think a lot
Of these niggas can't fuck with me
Yeah, I'm back bitch
You see me at Sacks 5th
I'm good
I'm doin' band curls
Whoa
I'm doin' rack lifts
Oh, God
I'm in Japan
I got Tokyo doin' back flips
Oh, God
I'm in Japan
With some Japanese and Black chicks
God
My team winning
Keep it quiet until we let you speak
Wow
I'm sippin' and grinnin'
And this my 13th private jet this week
Fly
It's got to be
The way I'm livin'
make you feel this way
Whoa
I ain't never had no
record deal til this day
Pulled up in a 'mote
control car just like a star
Let's go
Bitch I'm gonna have my way
Bitch, I don't give a
fuck about who you are
Oh, God
The waitress do what I say
And I didn't pay for
not one drink at the bar
It was a table full of girls
I sent them a bottle now we in the car
I got some solid bad
bitches that fuck with me
A lotta bitch ass niggas gave up on me
Bitch
And when they see me they be
tryin' to say what's up to me
What
I think a lot of these
niggas can't fuck with me
(mellow music)
(light music)
(music continues)
(music continues)
(music continues)
(traffic whizzing)
(music fades)
- [Automated Voice] Please
leave a message after-
(receiver slams)
(Mort sighs)
- Where the hell is he?
(Mort sighs)
(light intriguing music)
(Bradley's throat clears)
You do know styrofoam is
not biodegradable, right?
- A simple thank you
would suffice (chuckles).
- Have you seen Henry?
I swear to you, this man
is on his last chance.
If he misses this armored truck,
he's hittin' the bricks.
I don't care.
- Maybe he's just runnin' behind.
- Hm mm.
Somethin's fishy about this.
I don't like it.
Maybe we should go look for him.
- (smirks) Who's gonna watch
the store, old timer, huh?
- Okay, all right.
Okay, you go look for him.
And if someone tries to rob
him, you'll get the jump on 'em.
- Not a problem.
I'll go do that, yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, I appreciate the extra
set of eyes around here.
I really do.
Especially with some nut job
robbin' all these movie stores.
- It's my pleasure, okay?
I patrolled these parts
for quite some time.
I know 'em like the back
of my hand (chuckles).
- Good man.
- Hey, is everything okay?
- Yeah.
(sighs) I'm just gonna miss walking
down these movie aisles, you know?
This business is dyin'.
- Ah, come on.
Place like this?
I mean, they'll always be around.
- I don't know.
You heard of this new Netflix thing?
- Yeah.
- Can't be good for business.
- [Bradley] Yeah, but look,
people like rituals, you know?
They love comin' into the
store, touchin' things,
havin' an experience, you know?
- [Mort] I hear you. Look, if
I could stay at home and watch
my favorite series from start to finish,
wearin' nothin' but a smile on my couch,
can't say I wouldn't.
- [Bradley] I guess.
(shop bell chimes)
Oh, take that.
- Shh.
Oh, looky here.
- (exhales) I'm sorry, Mr. Madison.
It won't happen again.
- [Mort] If it does happen again,
you're hittin' the
bricks, you understand me?
- Yeah, sure.
(water dripping)
(Mort groans)
(anticipatory music playing)
(can pops)
(Mort gulping)
(dripping continues)
(Mort groans)
(can crunching)
(can clattering)
(music continues)
(dripping continues)
(Mort sighing)
(lighter flicking)
(Mort exhales)
(light music)
- Hello, my name is Jedediah,
and I come to you today
because of my wife.
Breaks my heart tell you
that my wife ran away with another man.
Now, before we get into details,
let me tell you the backstory.
My wife Merlin always wanted to be famous.
She had the jewels, the
clothes, the walk, the talk.
She had the star mentality down to the T.
Merlin would practically do anything
to be in the limelight.
(Mort groans)
And I mean anything.
Because of that (indistinct),
it's the reason why I'm standin'
here in front of you today.
I wanted to know if you'll take her out.
And I'm not talkin' about a date.
So, you're a detective, but
that could be the perfect alibi.
I hired you to spy on her,
and you are the person who finds her dead,
murdered at the scene of the crime.
(lid clattering)
It's a win win.
You get to discover a murder,
make it on the front page of the paper,
and I get rid of my problem.
- [Mort] The life of a
private eye is tedious,
time consuming,
and under payed.
(urine splashing)
And that's during the best of times.
The rest of times it looks like this.
(splashing stops)
(Mort sighs)
(bottle thuds)
It's best to work outta your own home
to make yourself less conspicuous.
And sometimes there's no other choice.
Pursuing your passion
is a gift and a curse.
You do what you love every day,
but when things go south,
you only have the walls to yell at.
(air whooshing)
(fire crackling)
(helicopter whirring)
(doors closing)
(siren wailing)
The job description is very much
like running a small business.
I'm very much self-employed.
Unlike a police detective,
there's not much job security.
Being a private eye means
you either get the case
that the cops can't
provide hard evidence for,
or the cases they don't
want to take at all.
(dog barking)
Life wasn't always this way,
especially when the
infamous DVD Desperado,
Clive Campbell was still around.
The LAPD kept getting
reports about some wacko
who was knocking on video stores,
but in the weirdest ways.
That detective at the time
did not see the correlation
between the robberies.
Each heist was almost
directly lifted from a variety
of robberies that
appeared in the old black
and white film "The Private Eye."
Obviously, they weren't film buffs.
What kinda person doesn't
appreciate a good film noir?
- Dad, Daddy, I lost Fluffy.
- Oh, that's all right, buddy.
Fluffy will come back home.
Dogs always find their way back home.
- Okay.
- Oh, hey, you know, maybe
Mr. Madison can help.
- He scares me.
- That's all right, I'll take you.
- Okay.
- Come on.
(boy knocking)
(Mort sighs)
- What do you want?
- Please help me find my dog.
I don't know where it is.
Please help me find it.
- How much money you got?
- Well, I got a full piggy bank.
- You got it on you?
- No, but I can bring it tomorrow.
- It's enough for me.
- Okay.
- Let's not take
too much of the Detective's time.
- He's fine.
Just, I need that money.
(door closes)
(engine rumbling)
- [Henry] Look, sorry I'm late.
It won't happen again.
- No, I know it won't 'cause next time
you're hittin' the bricks, you understand?
- [Henry] I don't think so.
- Will you just wait in the back
until the armored truck gets here?
Would ya?
- [Henry] Yeah.
- You you go with him.
- [Customer] All right, let's see.
- [Customer] Let's see (indistinct).
Oh, they have "The Graduates."
- Oh.
- "Mrs. Robinson."
She's a baddie.
- You know, honestly,
I've rented this like five times.
Let's do somethin' else.
- What?
What (indistinct). Okay.
- We can keep it
(indistinct) but-
- You pick, you pick.
- [Customer] Oh, "Catch 22."
- [Customer] Okay (indistinct).
- I love this thing.
I remember the last time-
- Who told you about it?
- [Customer] Just somethin' I saw.
(anticipatory music)
- Something I can help you find?
- No, I'm good.
I can find what I'm lookin' for.
Crime drama?
Film noir, maybe?
- I got it.
I got it.
- All righty.
(anticipatory music)
- Got him.
- I don't think so.
- Good one, Mort.
- Yeah, Detective, you saved our lives.
- Eh, just doin' my job.
(air whooshing)
The police said there was no place
for a private eye in today's modern world.
No need for a flat foot or
gum shoe walking the beat.
Time to prove 'em wrong.
For everyone who loved Dick
Tracy and Sherlock Holmes
to show their private eyes
are cooler than any
movie star or celebrity.
We're with the good guys, damn it.
The heroes.
Once the tabloids heard
that Clive Campbell, AKA,
The Movie Murderer was apprehended
by a local private eye
and saved a police officer's ass,
they ate that shit up
like Halloween candy,
was on every magazine cover,
then boom, blacklisted by the LAPD.
I guess they must have been
bitter for the publicity.
That might have something to
do with the current situation.
(serene music)
- I don't want your excuses.
You said you'd help.
(clock ticking)
(gentle music)
You said you cared.
- You're not seeing things clearly.
Your chakras must be blocked.
- I'm gonna block your
shockers in about two seconds.
(metal clangs)
- Where's the ring?
- So now you care?
- Calm down.
(Michelle scoffs)
(serene music)
Let's cleanse those chakras.
(music continues)
(Michelle sighs)
Okay, hop down into cow pose.
- Don't give me that Hindu bullshit.
I thought you were a shrink,
not a yoga instructor.
Fine.
I'll do the damn yoga if you
do what you said you'd do.
- Fine.
(serene music)
Beautiful.
Now, close your eyes,
breathe in,
and breathe out.
(music continues)
Breathe in,
and out,
and in.
(shutter clicks)
- You gotta be fucking kidding me.
- I was merely checking the time.
- Everywhere I go, I'm
surrounded by swine.
- Look, I already deleted it.
(Michelle smirks)
- You always seem to assume
the worst of a situation.
I think that's worth exploring
in a deeper hypnotherapy session.
- Let's not, and say we did.
- Please just gimme a chance to help you.
Help me help you.
I'll take that as a yes.
Now, remove your shoes and lie back.
Good.
Relax your head.
Close your eyes and breathe.
One.
You're beginning to
leave your mortal shell.
Two.
You feel your spirit floating up
through the confines of the office.
Three.
Breathe deep, and
imagine the wind carrying
you through the stratosphere.
(Michelle gasps)
- Why are you touching me?
- The feet are connected
to all seven chakras
and our window into the-
- I told you to cut the OSHA routine.
This is reality.
I need real help.
- Sometimes the biggest
stuff is letting go
and relinquishing that control.
- Relinquish myself to you?
I don't think so.
Go fuck a sacred cow, David.
(door slams)
- I'm trying.
(horn honking)
(crickets chirping)
(mellow hip hop music)
Don't sleep on Pillow Head
Whoa
Sheesh
- [Mort] For the deadbeats,
or otherwise down on your luck
population, alcohol is king.
However, one who wants
to drink away their sorrows
while also attempting
to get their life back on
track has to tread lightly.
Certainly liquor is quicker,
but it's also a one way ticket
to getting branded as an alcoholic,
and alcoholics don't get work.
This is where the surge
of micro breweries has saved the day.
Now beer is like wine
differing from region,
variety, and most importantly, potency.
Just like wine,
you banished unparalleled knowledge
of independent breweries
and nobody thinks twice
to see you guzzling
a couple down at two p.m.
on a Wednesday afternoon (chuckles),
and it's 7% or more.
Hm, these puppies will have
you whistling "Cucaracha"
in no time flat without
the hard alcohol stigma.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- It looks like
it's the beginning.
- It's "The beginning
of a beautiful friendship,"
wouldn't you say?
"Casablanca," huh?
Must be Tuesday.
- Not bad.
But it's not only Tuesday.
It's also pay day.
So pay, on our way.
- Oh, come on, sweet cheeks.
Don't play me like that.
(upbeat music)
So here at Boomtown Rory,
we take three very special
ingredients to make our beer,
water, grain and yeast.
We take our grain and
grind it into a fine mash
and boil it in our baths
until it gets a nice sugary substance.
I know this, not because I care,
but because I've taken
this tour umpteen times.
Why would I take such a tour?
Hm.
Hm.
(music continues)
Free samples at the end.
When you run up the tab
at your liquor store,
you can always count on your
local brewery to support ya.
Mm mm.
(music continues)
(Mort exhales)
(music continues)
(glass slams)
(music fades)
(air whooshing)
Even when you're surrounded by filth,
you gotta keep at least
one thing that's beautiful.
It's good to be a plan, Dad.
(birds chirping)
(pot shatters)
Oh, shit.
(objects clattering)
Oh, God!
(Michelle knocks)
Hi, can I help you?
- Cut the shit.
- Sure.
Step into my office.
- Good God, this place is a pigsty.
Do we need to hire you a maid?
- Thanks for the snap judgements.
- It smells like piss in here.
It's not a snap judgment, it's a fact.
- Okay, do you come
here just to insult me,
or do you have a case?
(Michelle screams)
Okay.
Maybe you have the wrong address.
(Michelle sobbing)
I'm a private eye,
and I feel what you need is a shrink.
(Michelle sighing)
- Yeah, I have a case for you.
- Okay, now you're talkin' my language.
There we go.
First thing's first, details.
- (sighs) No details.
I need you to take care of someone for me.
- Okay, lady, I investigate murders, okay?
I don't instigate them.
- Well, at least scare
some into him for me.
- Does he hurt you?
Does this man abuse you?
(Mort sighs)
- I need your help.
Will you help me?
- That I might be able to do,
for the right price.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
(cans clattering)
- What did I say?
At least gimme your name.
- Some detective.
- Hey, hey.
Normally I'd let you
keep walkin', all right.
I need the money.
So if roughing up your
boyfriend or husband,
whoever it is, is gonna get me that money,
I'll do it.
- So you're a sell out?
- Listen, can we just
talk business, please?
I mean, I can work for it.
- Think of it as a retainer.
- Retainer works.
- Goodbye, Detective.
- Your name?
- Michelle.
- Michelle.
(light music)
(door opens)
(door closes)
Didn't get any information.
You didn't even get her phone number.
It's been too long since the last case.
Must be gettin' rusty.
(upbeat music)
(Mort sighs)
(bag rustling)
(cans clattering)
(music continues)
(objects rustling)
(music continues)
(Mort sighs)
(music fades)
(water splashing)
(light music)
(dishes clinking)
It feels good to have a female around.
Might be blowing it as a detective,
but at least there's a reason to blow it.
There's somethin' else,
but I can't quite put my finger on it.
She didn't give out any leads,
but mm, she's got a great ass (chuckles).
She's a hell of a woman.
(music continues)
(water splashing)
(unsettling music)
(light music)
(Mort exhales)
(birds chirping)
(light music)
(Michelle knocking)
- You're sweaty.
AC broken?
- [Mort] Funny.
Come in.
(door closes)
- Wow, you cleaned.
Gotta admit, I didn't know
what to think last time.
- Well, you can't judge
a book by its cover,
or a man by his habitat.
- Evidently not.
- A woman could spend an
entire lifetime with me
and still not know me.
- That a fact?
- Yes, it is.
I'm as mysterious as muff to a monk.
(Michelle laughs)
- What's mysterious is you using
the word muff in the 21st century.
- (chuckles) People
don't say that anymore?
- No.
- (chuckles) Vagina, got it.
(Michelle laughs)
Down to business.
- Mm.
- A few questions.
- I have a question for
you, if you don't mind,
before we get started.
- I mind, but you're the boss, so shoot.
- Are you married?
- I just don't really
see how that matters.
- It doesn't.
Can't a girl be curious?
- Well, since you're paying me, yeah.
Yes, I was married.
- What happened?
- (smirks) You're not paying
me enough to get into that.
Nice try, though.
I guess that's why you burned this.
- Burned what?
Where'd you get that?
Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- You know, I wouldn't
expect a beautiful woman
like you to be rummaging through garbage.
- You think I'm beautiful?
- I think we should get back to business.
(light music)
So how long has this been going on?
- About three years.
- [Mort] Michelle was a
prototype never intended
for mass production.
Her words could bring a man
to near tears one moment,
and then consumed by a
fit of laughter the next.
Yeah.
(music continues)
You have to wonder how her
relationship was on the rocks.
You have to wonder a lot of things
because Michelle is the kind
of girl that makes you wonder.
On second thought...
(music continues)
- If you've got one.
(Michelle laughs)
Can I offer you a glass
of coffee flavored water?
- Yeah, that'd be great.
- One sec.
So, I gotta ask why me?
- Why you what?
- Well, I mean, business hasn't
been exactly booming lately.
I'm sure you've noticed.
- You were bound to have
a customer again sometime.
Just happened to be me.
- Well, I'm glad.
There you go.
- Thank you.
- So what's the deal with
the guy you're seeing?
Your boyfriend, husband.
What's the deal?
- I already answered a bunch of questions.
- I know, but when did
you know that it was over?
- I just don't trust him anymore.
He's become a completely different person.
- Okay.
I'll keep an eye on him.
I'll be like his shadow at high
noon, invisible (chuckles).
(Michelle laughs)
Oh (sighs).
- Actually, I invited him to come here.
- Here?
- Yeah.
- For fuck's sake, Michelle.
It kinda defeats the purpose of having
a private detective, don't you think?
- I have more money.
- You're offering me more
money before I even ask for it?
This really is a different kind of case.
This will pay for the new suit
I have waiting for me
at the tailor, though.
- Oh, look at you, Morty.
Really cleanin' up your act.
- Yeah, well, you can't
teach an old dog new tricks,
but you can clean the shit from his fur.
- Are you walking to the tailor?
- How do you know I don't have a car?
- Come on, I'll drive you.
- That's really not necessary.
- I insist.
- (chuckles) It's not necessary.
I can take the bus.
- I insist.
Let's go.
- She insists.
(engine rumbling)
(dogs barking)
(Mort chuckles)
This is a nice car.
I can see myself in somethin' like this.
- Well, with all the
improvements you've been making,
I'm sure you'll have a
car like this in no time
and you can drive me places.
- Yeah, if you're still my client by then.
- I don't have to be your client
for you to drive me places, Mort.
- Don't tempt me.
- Why not?
- Because you don't know me, Michelle.
- I know you better than you think.
- No.
No, you don't, okay?
So, just stop.
- I'm not doing anything-
- Stop.
(Michelle scoffs)
- Look, I wanna thank you
for taking me to get my suit
and everything, I guess.
Thanks.
- [Michelle] You don't
have to thank me, Mort.
- [Mort] Well.
- I care about you more than you know.
- [Mort] Uh...
- Looks like someone's excited.
- Uh (laughs)...
- You don't have to hide it, Mort.
(fabric rustling rhythmically)
- Michelle, this is wildly inappropriate.
- You don't have to be shy with me.
- Fuck.
- Is that what you want?
- I...
I don't know what I want.
- Sure you do.
- Have you been tested recently?
- Seriously?
- What?
I'm trying to be responsible.
- Just because I wanna sleep
with you doesn't make me a slut, Mort.
- Well, I mean, you're taken so.
- According to who?
- According to you, and this case!
- Everything with you
is always so difficult.
- What do you mean always?
We've practically just met.
- All right, you wanna be like this?
Fine.
Get out.
- Are you...
If you wanna fuck, we can just fuck, okay?
It's that easy.
- I don't want to fuck, Mort, I...
I wanted to make love.
(Mort smirks)
- Yeah, maybe you should
have seen a therapist.
- Fuck you.
Get out.
Get out.
- That's not
what I meant, okay? You
know, I didn't mean it like-
- Get the fuck outta my car.
Get out!
(dog barking)
(light music)
(music continues)
- [Mort] It was one of those
dangerous Viagra type boners
that they warned you
about in the commercials.
If you have an erection
that lasts over four hours,
please seek immediate medical attention.
(upbeat music)
(pool balls clacking)
(music continues)
She's not my type,
but she's got that lonely,
desperate look goin' on.
Enough to give my rocks off.
- Hey man, what can I get for ya?
- I'm gonna do a whiskey on the rocks.
And get the young lady another
one of whatever she's having.
- You got it.
Comin' right up.
- Thank you.
- What are you supposed to be?
- Whatever you want me to be.
- Oh (chuckles), okay.
- Got you to laugh, didn't it?
- Only 'cause it was a sorry
excuse for a pickup line.
- Well, I'm a pretty sorry kind of guy.
- Good (chuckles).
- [Bartender] For the lady.
- Thank you.
- [Bartender] And for you, Sir.
- Thanks.
- You're really bad at this, huh?
- Mm.
The name is Mort.
- Oh.
- But yeah,
I'm pretty bad at this.
- Sadie (chuckles).
(throat clears) Well, listen,
I'm not here for company,
but I'm definitely here for the drinks.
So, sorry.
- Understood.
But if you're not here...
But if you're not here for the company,
why not just drink at home?
- Well, drinking at
home is very depressing.
- That's...
Touche.
(Sadie's throat clears)
That's fine.
I'm just waiting for somebody anyways.
- Are you?
That's bullshit.
- I am.
- I don't believe it.
I think you're just a desperate,
horny guy at a bar looking
to hook up with a desperate, lonely girl.
And I'm not desperate and I'm not lonely.
- Ouch.
Seems like you've got me all figured out.
I've got you all figured out too, Sadie.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm hm.
- Let's hear it.
- Well, for starters, you
are dressed incredibly sexy,
but you chose to come
to a dive bar knowing
that you'll be the hottest
girl in here without having
to try very hard because
you have low self-esteem.
- Is that all you got?
- Mm.
No, no.
I'm not done.
- Yeah.
- You turned me down,
which is not a surprise,
but I have a feeling
I'm not the first guy.
I'm probably the third or fourth.
Let's be honest.
You knew you were gonna
get that kind of attention
so you came here with the
purpose of turning guys down
one after another.
And you have makeup everywhere
but around your eyes,
so you've been crying,
messed up your makeup,
and in the midst of trying to fix it,
realized you must have
lost your mascara at home.
- Mm hm.
Almost, not all the way.
- Mm.
But here's the kicker, sweetheart.
You aren't here with any friends either,
which leads me to believe
that you don't have
any girlfriends anymore
because you are in a shitty relationship.
You were fighting with your
boyfriend, significant other,
and you've made the same
empty threat a times.
You're gonna go out and
find somebody better.
But you made this threat so many times
it doesn't have any impact anymore.
So you got dressed, stormed out.
You came here.
Even though you both know
it's just to spite him.
You'll have a few drinks,
boost your ego a little bit,
and then you'll come crawling back
and you'll apologize to him.
Even though he's the asshole.
But you know what?
He's your asshole.
And having him is better
than having nothing at all.
(Sadie's sighs)
(Sadie's throat clears)
So how close was I?
- What are you, a therapist?
(Mort chuckles)
- It feels like it sometimes, yeah.
But no, I'm a detective.
Shit.
I didn't mean to dig.
- Do you wanna get outta here?
- Yeah.
Absolutely.
(Sadie moans)
(upbeat music)
(Mort panting)
Oh my God.
Mm.
(Mort exhales)
Mm.
(Sadie giggles)
God.
- Oh, sorry.
- It's okay.
Oh, pants, right, right.
Oh, shit.
(Sadie squeals)
Oh, all right (chuckles).
I'm more attractive than I thought.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
(Mort panting)
(Sadie exclaims)
- What's wrong, what's wrong?
Do you need a Viagra or something?
- A Viagra?
I don't have any problems getting it up.
It's fine.
- Shit, I know what will work.
I got something.
- Okay.
(Sadie squeals)
Oh my God.
(Mort exhales)
- You like that?
- [Mort] Yeah, a lot.
- I knew you would.
(Mort panting)
(Sadie moans)
- [Sadie] Oh, Mort.
- Oh, oh, Michelle.
- [Sadie] Huh? Huh?
- Uh, I said Sadie.
- You said Michelle.
- I said Sadie.
- You have a girlfriend, I knew you did.
- I said Sadie.
I said Sadie.
(Sadie exclaims)
- That's why you're terrible
at pickup lines.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I don't have a girlfriend.
- You fucking do.
- No, I don't.
Shit, no, Michelle.
- Bye.
- She's a client of mine.
- Bye, Mort.
- I was seeing her
- Bye, Mort!
- before I went to the bar.
- Bye.
- Sadie!
- Bye.
- Sadie, come on.
It was a Freudian slip.
(Mort sighing)
- [TV Character] (indistinct)
and he was robbed
of everything down to his clothes.
Beat him nearly halfway to death and left-
- Now I'm hard (scoffs).
- [TV Character] On that day...
(door creaking)
- Mort?
(door slams)
(Michelle sighs)
(coffee can thuds)
(Mort gasping)
Really?
- Oh, God.
How the hell did you get in here?
- I've been knocking for 10 minutes.
- Yeah, next time that
happens, it means go away!
(Michelle chuckles)
I'm getting my beauty rest.
- It's past noon.
Beauty rest is over.
Plus, you know what they say.
Early to bed, early to rise
makes a man happy, wealthy and wise.
- (groans) well, I'm
sure whoever said that
was probably a miserable son of a bitch
who was just trying to fool everybody.
- No, that's you.
- Ouch.
- No, I mean, you're trying
to fool everyone into thinking
that you're a miserable son
of a bitch but you're not.
- I'll have to try harder.
- Nope.
I'm not done whipping you into shape.
- Michelle, I'm not sure...
I'm not sure if you remember this,
but you hired me, okay?
Not the other way around.
- Exactly.
I'm gonna get my money's worth.
Plus, look at all these
improvements you're making already.
- Mm hm.
Or maybe I'm not this new and improved guy
you're making me out to be.
- Well, you can fake it till you make it.
- You are full of cheap dimes
to our wisdom today, aren't you?
- Yep.
- Well, I know you didn't just
come here to bust my balls,
so what's up?
- I...
I signed you up to give
a motivational speech
in front of handicap patients.
- (chuckles) That's funny.
You're kidding.
Michelle, I am in no position
to give a motivational speech to anybody.
I need motivation.
- Well, you're the best they've got.
- In that case, they are fucked.
- Take this seriously.
- And what if I don't?
- No more money.
(coffee brewing)
- Fine, I'll write a speech
for the poor bastards.
- Better be good.
- (chuckles) That's funny.
I can guarantee it won't be.
- (laughs) Well, that's a start.
- I'm starting to feel
like a charity case.
- You're in need of some charity.
- Touche.
Well, make yourself at home (chuckles).
I'm gonna shit, shower and shave.
- Spare me the details.
- Hm.
- Here, gimme the shirt.
Maybe I can do something
about these wine stains
before it's too late.
- Oh yeah, they're everywhere.
- Oops.
Got it.
- Oh, thank you.
- Mm hm.
- Hm, gross.
Is this woman's perfume?
- No, it's...
- Who am I kidding (chuckles)?
- Excuse me?
- Hm?
- It could be perfume.
- Yeah?
- I could have any woman
I wanted, Michelle.
- Sure.
- If I wanted.
- Right, of course.
- I'm just busy.
- So busy.
- With whatever this is.
(hand slaps)
(Michelle laughs)
- Get in that shower.
Mm hm.
(curtain rungs clinking)
(water splashing)
(soft music)
(unsettling music)
(Mort thuds)
(Mort groans)
(music continues)
(splashing continues)
(Mort groans)
(David knocking)
- Fuck (groaning).
(knocking continues)
Michelle?
Michelle?
(knocking continues)
Oh, fuck.
(chiming music)
Yeah?
Can I help you?
- Do you know who I am?
- No, should I?
- You must be Mort.
Michelle sent me.
My name is David.
(anticipatory music)
- Of course it is.
- Dear Buddha, do you
know you're bleeding?
- Oh, this?
It's nothing. I was up late last night.
Your mom had put me through the headboard.
It was the craziest thing.
- I see what Michelle was talkin' about.
- She told you about me?
- She told me enough.
- Did she mention how
bad she wants to fuck me?
(David smirks)
- She said you might
say something like that.
- Well, I drive the ladies crazy, David.
- We need to talk.
- Yeah, I don't think so.
You're not callin' the
shots around here, okay?
- I know why Michelle is doing this.
- Okay, come in.
Shut the door.
(door closes)
Sit down.
This is a very interesting case.
It's the first investigation
where the person I'm investigating, you,
knows that I'm investigating them.
Coffee?
- Sure.
- Just kidding.
Now it doesn't make a lot of
sense to me, but here we are.
- I'm calling it off.
- I beg your pardon?
- I'm callin' the whole thing off.
It's a bad idea, you're
keeping your eye on me.
- Okay, but you can't do that.
- I'm doin' it now.
- Oh.
(Mort sighs)
You see that suit, David?
Did you buy me that suit?
- What are you talking about?
- It's a very simple
question, even for you.
Did you buy me that suit?
- You know I didn't.
- Hm.
Well, did you gimme the
money to buy that suit?
- Mort, please.
- Let me help you out, David.
No, you didn't.
But your Michelle did.
Yeah, you see, it's with her
money that I bought that suit
and I accepted that money under
the agreement that I'll be following
and possibly putting the
fear of God into you.
- You can keep the money and the suit.
- David, you are missing the point.
This is my job.
Okay?
I don't understand why Michelle
wants us to know each other.
That is not normally part of the gig.
And I, I have a feeling it's part
of some sick fantasy she's
dreamed up in her head.
But that's, it's really
neither here nor there.
What is relevant, however,
is that I have been broke
for a very long time.
And this is the first paid
gig that's come my way.
Even if it is just abiding
by some Twisted Housewives fantasy.
Money is money.
Do you understand me?
- I can pay you off.
- Get the fuck outta my house.
- Can we talk?
- You've been talking enough.
Get out.
You're starting to get on my nerves.
- Good.
Oh, that's fantastic 'cause you see,
I'm being paid to ruffle
your feathers, David.
- Okay, fine.
I'll stop seeing Michelle,
that way you have no case.
- That's a hell of a broad
you'd be pissing away.
- You can piss her way better than me.
- And what is that supposed to mean?
- Forget about it.
We should have never met.
- Yeah, no shit Sherlock.
It's a little late for that.
- You're not ready for this.
- Hm, no.
You're not ready for this.
(hand slaps)
(light music)
- I fear for your soul.
- My soul?
You should fear for what's
gonna happen to your face
if you weren't out of
here five minutes ago.
(music continues)
(door slams)
Oh!
(anticipatory music)
(Mort panting)
- Hey!
- Sorry, kid.
Official detective business.
- Bro, what the heck?
(light music)
(pedals squeaking)
(music continues)
(squeaking continues)
(music continues)
- How'd it go?
(David scoffs)
I'm guessing that well?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Don't be a sissy.
- You wanna talk about it?
He's a fuckin' psychopath just like you.
- Oh, baby, don't hurt my feelings.
- I don't want any part of this.
I'm done.
- What did you say to him?
- The same thing I just told you.
- You didn't.
- I didn't tell him about everything.
I'm still a professional.
(Michelle scoffs)
I just told him that I'm
calling off the case.
- And he punched you?
(David tsks)
Yeah, that's loyalty.
- You have serious problems.
- Well, yeah.
Why do you think I've stuck
with you for this long?
- I have some theories.
- (scoffs) Please, don't flatter yourself.
It's cold.
- I know you remember.
(light music)
Shh
(music continues)
- Bingo.
- Oh my God, oh my God.
- It's not like that anymore.
- Oh, yeah.
Then how is it Michelle?
- This is done.
- Bingo.
(upbeat music)
- I'm tired of your fucking games.
- You're the one playing games.
Fuck you.
(plate shatters)
- [Michelle] No, fuck you!
I need this.
Get the fuck outta my way.
I am outta here.
(dogs barking)
Get your hands off of me!
- No (indistinct).
- Jesus!
(music continues)
(keypad beeping)
(line trilling)
- [Operator] This is 911.
What is your emergency?
- We have an active intruder
here at the complex.
- Gimme that.
- Yeah, 911, I presume?
- [Operator] This is 911.
Can you hear me?
- Perfect, there is a sexual assault
happening right now at 513
Baker Street, second floor.
Get here.
- Such a dick.
(fist pounding)
Michelle!
Michelle!
- Mort?
- Come here, come here.
- When-
- [Mort] Look at me.
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Look-
- I'm fine.
- He didn't hurt you, did he?
- No.
- [Mort] Tell me he didn't.
- No, Mort.
- Don't lie to me, Michelle.
- I'm not lying to you.
You don't think I can handle myself?
- You don't have to protect him.
- I'm not protecting him.
I'm protecting you.
- David!
David, you fucked up.
- Mort, Mort, we can't be together
if you're serving a lifetime in prison.
- Be together?
What are you talking about?
David!
- Mort?
Don't you love me?
- I...
- Mort.
(light music)
(Michelle moans softly)
Do you love me?
Yeah?
- I do.
I love you.
- Let's run away together.
Let's leave tonight.
Right now.
Right now.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You fucked up, David.
You're lucky the cops are gonna
be dealin' with you this
time you piece of shit.
Michelle, wait.
How long have we known each other?
- [Michelle] What do you mean?
- I've just got this
feeling that I can't shake.
- [Michelle] What kind of feeling?
- Like we've done this.
(Michelle gasps)
- That's him.
- Freeze!
Get your hands up.
- Yo, you've got the wrong guy.
You've got the wrong guy.
Turn around and put your
hands behind your back.
You're under arrest for trespassing.
Are you serious?
- Absolutely. Anything you
say can and will be used
against you in a court of law.
- You've got the wrong guy.
He's upstairs in 207.
- [Michelle] Mort, what do we do?
- Just relax, baby, okay?
I'm gonna be in and out
in no time, all right?
- Okay.
- Ma'am, back up.
- Just wait from you, okay?
- You have the right to an attorney.
If you can't afford one,
the state will provide one.
- Mort, I love you.
(cell door slams)
- [?] Shacked up with
the heaviest breather
in the LA County municipal system.
(inmate snoring)
Not a wink of sleep.
And it wasn't just because of
Mr. Sleep Apnea down there.
I was up all night
thinkin' about Michelle.
Thinkin' about where we could run away to.
Thinkin' about us growin' old together.
And at the same time,
wrestling with a thought
that's been gnawing at my
brain like a dog on a bone.
Why does Michelle feel so damned familiar?
- Mort Madison, you have a visitor.
(snoring continues)
(Mort sighs)
(keys jingling)
(door slams)
(Mort sighs)
- Look at you, old timer (chuckles).
- Are you my lawyer or something?
- Still don't remember me, do you?
- What's your name?
- Bradley.
Jeff Bradley.
Ring any bells?
- Wait a minute.
We worked at that movie store
job together, didn't we?
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah (laughs).
Yeah, I knew you'd remember.
Man, I heard you got yourself
in quite a bit of trouble down here.
Locked up.
I had to come check your house,
see what all fuss was about.
- It's nothin'.
They just got me for trespassing
and attempted assault,
(chuckles) which obviously
the latter is bullshit,
so that'll be dropped.
But I'm in here for a few weeks,
at least until I get bail posted.
- Well, you look a hell of a lot better
than the last time I seen you.
Good to see ya.
- (chuckles) Thanks, man.
I appreciate that.
- I'm sorry, Mort.
You know, for everything.
- I don't understand.
What do you mean?
- Look, you take care of yourself, okay?
- All right, time to go.
- That's it?
I thought you were gonna
bust me outta here, man.
Get your hands off me.
- Good to see you
- I don't belong here.
- old timer. (door creaks)
(door slams)
- [Guard] Ready to go?
- Yeah.
(upbeat music)
(door creaks)
Thank you, thank you (sighs).
(door closes)
- [Mort] What's going on with my mind?
Why is my mind playing tricks?
Oh!
(Mort groaning)
(high pitched ringing)
- Come here, come here, come here.
Come here (indistinct).
Okay, eyes on me.
Eyes on me, eyes on me.
Stay with me, stay with me.
There we go.
- What are you doing?
- Just making sure you don't
give yourself concussion on
this God damn concrete, man.
Stay with me.
Breathe, breathe (exhales).
Gimme a big breath.
There you go, pal, enjoy.
(Mort exhaling)
- Thanks.
- Phew.
Scared the shit outta me, Pal.
Just breathe.
There you go, that's what you need to do.
You need that.
- I'm guessing you're the
expert, Mr. Sleep Apnea?
- Stay still.
- Thanks.
- Don't try to stand up.
- I'm okay.
- No, come on.
Just be cool.
- I'm fine.
- Don't stand up.
Don't stand up.
- I'm not gonna stand up.
I just need to get off of your lap.
(Mort groans)
(Edmond's throat clears)
- You really should get
checked out by a doctor.
- So should you.
- I won't be bothered for long.
I'm outta here in a day or two tops.
- Open a showcase like mine, huh?
(Edmond laughs)
- I wish it was.
Afraid not.
Just biding my time till they transfer
me outta here to San Quentin
or wherever the fuck it
is they're gonna send me.
You're breathing shallow.
Breathe deep.
Go (inhales).
Deep exhale, there you go.
(Mort exhales)
- You know, San Quentin's no joke.
- [Guard] Mort Madison, you got mail.
- Look at you, Mr. Popular.
(Mort panting)
- [Michelle] "Hello, Mort."
- Who's it from?
- The woman I'm running away with.
- [Michelle] "I was hoping to run away
with you before this day happened.
I had to write to you because what I have
to tell you why I didn't have the guts
to say to you in person.
I'm leaving for good, Mort,
and I'm not looking back.
I need to start a new life
with a clean slate in a town
where no one knows my name.
Mort, I will always love you.
I want you to remember me for who I am,
not for who you made me out to be.
Yours forever, Michelle."
- How's she doin'?
- What the fuck is this?
- Looks like that might
have been a sad letter, huh?
- "Made you out to be?"
Michelle!
- What's the story, pal?
- I don't know.
I feel like I'm stuck in the
fucking twilight zone, man.
I don't know.
I have no fucking clue.
- With women, buddy,
it's never cut and dry.
- Yeah.
(sniffles) What the hell
do you know about it?
- You asked me why I was
goin' to San Quentin.
Because of a woman.
- Really?
- Humans comes in all
shapes and size of buddy,
but in the end we're all the same.
- Except you're different.
- Except I'm different.
What the fuck does that mean?
- It means that I'm in here for a girl.
You're in here for a girl (sniffles).
The only difference is I'm about
to pull my fucking hair out
and you're just as calm as a
Hindu cow in a slaughterhouse.
How?
- Look pal, I killed a man.
I killed a man.
(Mort sniffs)
I know what you might think,
but I know the weight of what I've done.
- But you have no remorse?
- None.
(Mort chuckles)
- You're what we would
call a natural born killer.
- Huh?
- I've met a lot of people
like you in my line of work.
I never could understand
how you can live with yourself.
- But you've wondered.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Want me to tell you?
- I don't exactly have anything
more pressing right now.
Sure.
- So in your line of work,
you treat every murder the same, right?
- Pretty much.
- And when you catch a murderer,
it's always sentenced the same way, right?
- No, not always.
It depends on a couple of factors.
There's criminal record,
psychiatrical exam, intent.
- Precisely, intent.
Now, one could argue that you could do
the worst thing possible with
the best of intentions, right?
- Yeah, I guess, but killing is killing.
A healthy mind must be
able to cope with that.
- I'll bet some people you encounter
were just slay me remorseless,
and you wrote them off as crazy
or either really good at
hiding their feelings.
And you're probably
right most of the time.
But what I'm telling you is
most of 'em were just like me.
So sure their intent of their feelings
with that is satisfaction.
They had fulfilled their duty.
- It still sounds pretty
nutty to the average Joe.
- You being the average Joe?
- I'm not the killer.
- (chuckles) You're a fucking woman.
It is no different from a
soldier killing the enemy
'cause they were ordered to.
- And then they get PTSD.
- Some of 'em do, but not all of 'em.
And the ones who don't, believe me,
are so in their mission they
sleep like babies at night.
- How do you know that?
- Because of how I sleep at night.
- With sleep apnea?
- I've always had sleep apnea.
(Mort groans)
- You forgot one crucial detail.
- You want to know what I
did, what my mission was?
I'll let you read the
details in the paper.
But my mission, my mission was love.
(anticipatory music)
(food sizzling)
- [Michelle] Morning.
- Morning.
- Mm.
- How did I get so lucky?
- Hm.
- Look at this, orange juice, eggs, love.
What more could we ask for?
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
You know, I've been
thinking a lot about this
and I think it's time.
I'm gonna sell the business.
Retire.
- Are you serious?
- Mm hm.
That way we can run
away together, finally.
Besides the competition's
gettin' too tough
and I'm ready to jump outta the game.
- Are you sure because that means
you would have to spend every
moment of every day with me.
- On second thought...
(Michelle laughs)
(light music)
- Uh, uh, uh, mm mm.
No, I'm gonna leave for work.
- Aw, it's never stopped you before.
- I know, but today is a big delivery.
- It's a big delivery?
- Not for you.
(Michelle chuckles)
I'll see you.
(light music)
- Oh, you forgot your breakfast.
- Oh.
(shot firing echoes)
(Mort gasping)
(light music)
(music continues)
(Mort grunting)
- David.
- Who's David?
- I didn't even know you were awake.
(light music)
(Michelle knocking)
(dogs barking)
- Are you okay?
(door creaks)
I knew you'd be back.
- I came to say goodbye.
Oh.
You know I hate that shit.
- I was blessing the apartment.
- Of course you were.
- Goodbye?
Where are you going?
- There's nothing left for me here.
- [David] I'm still here.
- Like I said, there's
nothing left for me here.
(can pops)
Mm (sighs).
- [David] I didn't think I'd
see you again after last time.
- Yeah, well, you really shouldn't be.
You're a real piece of shit, you know?
- [David] You didn't
come here to say goodbye.
- Mm.
I really did.
- If you were really
planning on leaving for good,
you would've just left without a word.
But you didn't.
You chose to come back here.
- Yeah, I thought it might be nice to talk
through a major life decision
like this with someone, anyone.
But I'm already regretting it.
- So, where are you gonna go?
- Somewhere up north.
- Where up north?
- Nice try.
- Well, you said you
needed someone to talk to,
which means you want my opinion.
I think you should take
your time and think it over.
- (sighs) If I take time to think it over,
I might not leave and I can't
be here when Mort gets out.
- Yeah, when is that exactly?
- Worry much?
- Yeah, actually I do.
- Like two weeks.
- Damn.
I wonder how long it takes
to clear a gun purchase.
- That's not funny.
- I need something in case
that crazy psychopath comes after me.
- I hope he does come after you.
- I don't know why you're
acting like this with me.
You came to me for help and
all I've done is help you.
- You've fucked shit up
more than you've helped.
- How?
By falling for you?
- Lusting is not the
same as falling in love.
- Okay, so maybe I haven't gone
about things in the right way,
but that doesn't change
what's in my heart.
- We fucked once.
- It was the best sex I've ever had.
- (laughs) Huh.
Flattering as that may be,
I only slept with you out of
desperation and confusion.
It happened to be with you
because you happened to be
the easiest opportunity.
- You know there was more to it than that.
- Yeah, me opening up to
you because it's your job
and you taking advantage
of me, you sick fuck.
- Michelle,
I'm not this monster
you're trying to make me out to be.
- All evidence to the contrary.
- When are you leaving?
- Today.
- Today?
- Bags are packed downstairs.
- Let me come with you
just until you get settled.
- Hard pass.
Goodbye, David.
(door opens)
(door closes)
- That was a hell of a ride.
(light music)
- [Man] Right here, right
here. Right here, right here.
Right here?
- Yeah.
- That's a nice ass car.
- Coke and weed, coke
and weed, coke and weed.
- I have no need for any
of those, my friends.
Do you have a gun for sale?
- (coughs) Snitch.
- Are are you 12?
- 12?
- The cops, the police, the feds.
- Do I look like the cops?
- A undercover cop.
What you think, D?
- I'm thinkin' we need
to have referral form.
- You see, that's your problem.
You always trustin' everybody, man.
You remember what happened last time?
- Sorry to interrupt.
- Hey!
Don't you hear two grown men talkin'?
- Hey, you're the one
who's about to lose a sale.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's just a formality.
I don't do entrapment.
You not the cops, right?
- I am not the cops.
- Follow us.
- Yeah, follow us.
(light music)
- Come on.
Cough it up, come on.
- What?
- The money.
- How much?
- 50.
- $50.
- 50 bucks?
- Hell, yeah it's 50.
- 50 bucks.
- Hurry up.
- Yep, come on.
- Shit.
- Come on, man, come on.
- Gosh.
- Does it look right?
- It's good.
(fist banging rhythmically)
(men laughing)
- (laughs) Sucker!
(door opens)
(light music)
- Who the fuck are you?
- Who, me?
- Who the fuck else would I be talking to?
- Listen, I don't want any problems.
I just heard you sell guns.
- Who the fuck...
Oh, must be Stone.
That mother fucker owes me money.
Did you bring my mother fuckin' money?
- Look, I just came here to buy a gun.
Do you want my money or not?
- Guns?
I don't see any guns.
- What about the wall of guns behind you?
(door sliding)
(door thuds)
- Like I said, I don't see any guns.
- Come on, man.
Your negative vibes are
seepin' through your pores.
Just do me a solid and sell it to me.
- Vibes?
Fuck of malaka.
- Please, this is a
life or death situation.
I wouldn't be here if I didn't need it.
- What part of fuck off
didn't you understand?
Get the fuck outta here.
(light music)
Fuckin' hippies.
(door rattling)
(air whooshing)
(light music)
(Mort groans)
- [Mort] How long has it been?
Long enough to be
transferred to San Quentin,
or wherever the fuck.
(music continues)
- All right princess, your chariot awaits.
- Chariot to where?
- Well, they're releasing you early.
You know, man of your
age shouldn't be caught
in a hellhole like this anyway.
- Just when I thought I
couldn't catch a break.
- Well, it's your lucky day.
String a bus dug up a lot of trash.
Turns out there's even bigger pieces
of shit in this town than you.
- Hm.
It's news to me (groans).
What he said was still
lingering in my mind
like my own consensus.
He may have been crazy,
but the man was right about one thing.
When you know what you want in this world,
you sleep like a baby.
I haven't slept like that in years.
Maybe I never slept that well.
Here it is, the stars aligning.
If Michelle is really leaving the trail
might have gone cold while
running away in that cell.
It's destiny to get out early.
I can't make sense of it.
I can't make sense of anything these days.
(Mort panting)
(light music)
The money's said it all.
(Mort gasping)
(keypad beeping)
(line trilling)
- [Arrow Cabs Employee] Arrow
Cabs, how can I help you?
- Hi, yes, I need a cab.
(lighter flicks)
- [Carl] What you doing back there?
- [Mort] Relax.
- [Carl] You know that's
how forest fires start?
- I don't see any forests around here,
do you?
- You know what?
- How about you just watch your mouth?
I don't care how old you are,
I'll come back there and kick your ass.
- All right.
Pull over up here by that red gate.
- All right, man.
It's gonna be-
- No, I'm not getting out yet.
- You're not?
- No, keep the meter running.
- We casin' the joint?
- Oh, Jesus Christ, man.
What the hell's the matter with you?
We're not robbing anybody.
- Hey man, this is why I took this job.
It's been nothing like the movies.
Just a bunch of drunk people
throwin' up in the backseat.
- Oh, well that explains the smell.
- Look, if you say follow the car,
you will not be disappointed.
I've been waitin' for this
opportunity my whole life.
- Okay, will you just put the gun down?
- Okay, fine.
But listen, I already cocked it.
I gotta shoot somebody.
- All right, we're just
waiting for somebody.
- All right fine.
You the boss.
So, who we waitin' on?
- I will literally pay
you more money to shut up.
- Come on, man, don't gotta be like that.
- Okay, you gotta swear not to
tell anybody, you understand?
This cab ride never happened.
- Who am I gonna tell, man?
I got warrants.
- I'm a detective.
- Okay, I'm just jokin'
about them warrants.
- (sighs) I fell in love
with a client of mine.
Hard.
I had love to tell you why,
but I honestly don't know.
But she left and I'm gonna get her back.
- Man, that is beautiful.
(chuckles) Is she who we waitin' for?
- No, we're waiting for a guy
that I need to question to
find out where she went.
- Okay, you need help
puttin' him in the trunk?
I'm down.
- No.
That will not be necessary.
- Hey man, you the most interesting person
to ever be in this cab (chuckles).
Hey, I'm Carl by the way.
Friends call me Crazy Carl.
- I bet they do.
(Carl chuckles)
I'm Mort.
Oh, shit.
Okay, that's the guy.
All right, you're gonna
wait here for 15 minutes,
then you can go.
All right?
- Got it.
(Mort exhales)
- [Mort] All right, thanks Carl.
- Yeah, man.
Good luck!
- Shh!
- Sorry.
(light music)
(music fades)
- David?
David, David, we need to talk.
David, we need to talk.
(Mort groans)
God damn it!
Oh, what the fuck was that for?
- It's either gonna be you or me buddy,
and it ain't gonna be me.
- Wait, wait.
I didn't come here to hurt you.
- Oh yeah, like I'm gonna believe that.
- Michelle sent me a letter in jail.
A goodbye note.
- She was here earlier.
She's gone, Mort.
You ruined her life.
- Okay, well the note she
gave me concerns both of us.
I doubt that.
- Will you just put the knife down?
Just put it down, man.
I'm not gonna touch you.
- Why are you here?
- It was a suicide note, David.
She's gonna kill herself,
probably as we speak, or as you stab me.
Put it down.
You crazy...
- Crazy? You're crazy.
- Jesus (exhales).
- Let me see the note.
- I don't have it.
I burned it in the cab ride over here.
- Bullshit.
- I did.
You can ask the cabbie for yourself.
I told him to wait downstairs
in case you weren't here.
Go ask him.
- Mort, I'm pretty sure I'd know
if she's gonna commit suicide.
I'm a therapist.
- Okay, what a great
therapist you are, David.
Go ask him before he leaves.
He's gonna corroborate my story
and we gotta get over there, man.
We're wasting time.
- Over where?
- I'll tell you on the way, okay?
We'll take your car, come on.
Come on.
Oh, thank God.
- What the hell is goin' on here?
Hey, what the hell happened to you?
Is this dude right here-
- No, he's okay, he's okay.
It's fine, it's fine.
Just ask him.
- Ask me what?
- Did this man burn something
in the back of your cab?
- Is this a test?
- It isn't a test, answer him.
Tell him.
- Yeah, as soon as he got in.
- Happy?
- Carl, thank you.
(Carl laughs)
Let's go.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
I can take you wherever you
need to go. You got me all day.
You goin' to get the girl?
I'll help you get the girl.
- That's not gonna be necessary.
Thank you, though.
- All right, well, hey, take
care of yourself, all right?
'Cause you look terrible, you old geezer.
- I'm looking' better than you.
- Wait here, I'll get the car.
- We can still put him in the trunk.
Lot of space in the trunk.
(light music)
- [David] Where are we driving?
- [Mort] That, the big
bridge over the LA River.
- [David] She said in the note
she was gonna jump off a bridge?
- Yep.
- That seems odd that she'd say where.
- It's not that odd.
Maybe she wants to be stopped,
like a cry for help or some shit.
I don't know, David.
You're her therapist.
Why would I tell you this?
- That does make sense.
She seemed confused when
she came over earlier.
Part of me wishes I
would've never met her.
- How do you mean?
- I have to come clean to you, Mort,
and I don't know how
you're gonna take this,
but I'm gonna say it anyway.
You're not well.
I mean, you're severely handicapped.
(Mort smirks)
Michelle hired me to
treat you on the grounds
that I couldn't tell you
you were being treated.
- Treated for what?
- You really don't have a clue do you?
You and Michelle are married
and you owned a very
successful video franchise.
You just can't remember.
You needed help and she said
you would never see a shrink.
- Not one like you.
- I shouldn't have agreed,
but obviously I did.
- And then you stayed on the case
because you had fallen in love with her,
didn't you?
- I don't need
to talk about that part.
- You just said you wanted to come clean.
- Yeah, about you and me.
- And you falling for
Michelle doesn't involve me?
- Yeah, I guess you're right.
- Yeah.
- You really don't have any
memory of your accident?
(anticipatory music)
- [Mort] 'Cause next time
you're hittin' the bricks.
Understood?
(shot firing)
(light music)
- Dad, Daddy, I lost Fluffy.
- Oh, that's all right, buddy.
Fluffy will come back.
Dogs always find their way home.
- Okay.
- Hey, you know Mr. Madison
might be able to help.
- But he scares me.
- [Michelle] I know you
better than you think.
Do we need to hire you a maid?
(dramatic music)
I care about you more than you know.
- [Mort] How do you
know I don't have a car?
- [Michelle] Everything with
you is always so difficult.
- [Mort] What do you mean always?
That's a hell of a broad
you'd be pissing away.
- [David] You can piss
her way better than me.
- I'm not protecting
him, I'm protecting you.
Forgetting something.
You don't have to be shy with me.
- [Mort] Look at you all the time.
Hell of a lot better than
the last time I seen you.
(shots firing)
(light music)
- [Bradley] Good to see you, old timer.
- [Guard] You know, man of
your age shouldn't be caught
in a hellhole like this anyway.
- 'Cause you look terrible,
- Mort!
- [Carl] you old geezer.
- Mort!
No, Mort!
Mort!
Can you hear me, Mort?
Mort!
- [David] Mort, Mort?
Mort?
Mort?
Return to the present, Mort.
- It was...
It wasn't a dream after all?
Man.
(exhales) That explains a lot.
- What do you remember?
- It's not time for a therapy session,
thank you very much more.
- Mort, you just let me do the talking.
- Yeah, right.
- You're not stable.
I don't want you to say something
that might make her jump
if she hasn't already.
- Okay, okay.
(light music)
- It was right up here.
- You sure this is the bridge?
- Yeah, this is it.
Right in the middle.
Yeah, I would call it right
about right about here.
Yeah.
She went up and over.
Yep.
- You sure this is the bridge?
- Yeah, I'm positive.
Hey man, lemme see her phone.
- I don't think she'll answer.
- That's all right.
(David grunts)
(Mort grunts)
(David screams)
(water trickling)
(keypad beeping)
(light music)
(Michelle sighs)
(message dings)
- Oh God, no (exhales).
Fuck.
(sighs) Fuck!
(light music)
(door slams)
(Michelle chuckles)
(music continues)
- Hey Mort, thanks again for
talking to these patients.
It really means a lot.
- Hi, guys.
- Hello, gentlemen.
This is Mort Madison.
He was also a victim of gun violence
and he's fully recovered.
He came here today to share
his experience with you.
Mort, I'll let you take it from here.
- Thank you, Bob.
Old dear family friend.
So, the two of you probably have no idea
who I am and that's okay.
I wish I could say won the Medal of Honor,
or I got my face in the
front of a newspaper,
took a blow to the head
just to make the world a better place,
but that's all bullshit
compared to the real reason
I'm here to speak to you today.
I came to tell you kids how lucky I am.
I used to be the owner
of a video rental store.
I made more money than I could count.
I married my dream girl
and I bought the house I'd always wanted.
But like all good things,
it came to an end.
Mostly because of my stubbornness
to evolve with technology.
My business was failing and because
of my addiction to materialistic success,
I was never home and spent
no quality time with my wife.
Happy life, happy wife.
So you have to ask
yourself, what is success?
What does success really
mean to you, the successee?
What do you wanna do with
the rest of your lives?
The rest of your lives.
When I was a young boy,
my favorite movie was "The Private Eye."
It was a movie about a detective
who always solved the crime
using intricate clues,
always bagged the bad guy,
and he would always, and I
mean always get the girl.
Now my point is I always
wanted to be a detective.
I always wanted to be the private eye.
But when I turned into
an adult, I realized,
I realized I'd forgotten my dream.
Years later, years later as a young adult,
I got shot in the head.
Shot in the head.
And I forgot literally everything.
The money, the house, I
even forgot my own wife.
But there was one thing I remembered.
I remembered who I wanted to be.
How I wanted to dress, walk, talk.
I became "The Private Eye"
I always wanted to be.
Then I felt something I never felt before.
Success.
I felt success.
I started living my life
the way I'd always wanted.
Living the way you want to live.
That is success.
I wasn't happy because I wanted
to live the stories I was
selling in my video store.
And trust me, life is too short
to be living someone else's dream.
It's ironic.
I had to lose everything just
to remember what's most
important, who I really am.
Guys, don't ever forget
who you really are.
Hello, darling.
(Michelle chuckles)
(Mort exhales)
You know, a wise man
once told me, he said,
"If you have a mission, if
you have a purpose in life,
you will sleep like a
baby every single night."
Now do either of you wanna
share something with me?
Yeah?
- Oh, doing an undercover
sting I got shot,
things went haywire.
My partner ended up
shootin' me in my abdomen.
- I can see that.
- Oh.
- (chuckles) Good deal.
What?
- Well,
I was out on 60th and 10th
in a place I had no business bein'.
(indistinct) ain't got no names.
That's what my mom always used to say.
By the grace of God, I'm still here.
- That's tough.
I have loved talking to you both.
Get well soon.
We need ya, okay?
Peace out.
Hey, doll.
- Hi.
Well, I didn't catch the first half
but the second half was pretty
rambling and incoherent.
(Mort chuckles)
- I thought you'd like it.
Michelle, thank you for
never giving up on me.
- We really have to talk about David.
- Not now.
There's something more important.
- What?
- I remember.
I told her I remember,
which I don't really,
but that doesn't matter.
Yeah.
Let's run away.
She's as beautiful as the day I met her.
(Michelle giggles)
(upbeat music)
(music continues)
(music continues)
- [Officer] LAPD, everyone
get down right now!
- [Officer] Get down now!
(music continues)
(button clicks)
(music continues)
- [Officer] All rooms are clear, Sir.
- We're done here.
Pack it up.
(music continues)
(music fades)
(mellow hip hop music)
Don't sleep on Pillow Head
Whoa
Sheesh
Uh
Fuck it up
Uh
I'm back, bitch
Uh
Yeah, drippin' in brand new clothes
Sittin' in brand new ride
Bitch, I'm back from 1305
I kept that shit too live
Super king runnin' through my veins
Have a check for me
I'll let you see
Y'all niggas ain't fast
as me and this a SUV
Pulled up in a 'mote
control car just like a star
Whoa
Bitch, you keep tryna go tit for tat
You aint gon' get that far
No
Lil queen done bought me a drink
And throwin' that ass on me at the bar
She started takin' it off in the car
She started breakin' me off in the car
The whip on autopilot
Whoa
Ya bitch on auto slobbin'
I don't gotta problem
Don't
I don't gotta rob 'em
Don't
Get some women in ya life
and run a bag up quick
Me and my tribe ain't
nothin' but loyal
And you ain't nothin' but a bitch
I got some solid bad
bitches that fuck with me
A lotta bitch ass niggas gave up on me
Bitch
And when they see me they be
tryin' to say what's up to me
What
I think a lot
Of these niggas can't fuck with me
Yeah, I'm back bitch
You see me at Sacks 5th
I'm good
I'm doin' band curls
Whoa
I'm doin' rack lifts
Oh, God
I'm in Japan
I got Tokyo doin' back flips
Oh, God
I'm in Japan
With some Japanese and Black chicks
God
My team winning
Keep it quiet until we let you speak
Wow
I'm sippin' and grinnin'
And this my 13th private jet this week
Fly
It's got to be
The way I'm livin'
make you feel this way
Whoa
I ain't never had no
record deal til this day
Pulled up in a 'mote
control car just like a star
Let's go
Bitch I'm gonna have my way
Bitch, I don't give a
fuck about who you are
Oh, God
The waitress do what I say
And I didn't pay for
not one drink at the bar
It was a table full of girls
I sent them a bottle now we in the car
I got some solid bad
bitches that fuck with me
A lotta bitch ass niggas gave up on me
Bitch
And when they see me they be
tryin' to say what's up to me
What
I think a lot of these
niggas can't fuck with me