The Punch and Judy Man (1963) Movie Script
1
(gentle instrumental music)
(waves crashing softly)
(tapping softly)
(singing in foreign language)
(upbeat band music)
- [Radio Announcer] Well,
that's all from me, housewives.
I've really enjoyed
my fortnight with you.
Next week I'm off to
entertain the lads in Kenya
So if any of you have sons
out there drop me a line.
On Monday, my old mate Jerry Bishop
will Be here to play your requests.
So don't forget be
nice to each other,
Don't drive too fast
and keep smiling.
(cheery instrumental music)
- [Radio Announcer]
It's five to 10.
Thou visiteth and
blesseth the earth
Thou makest it very plenteous
Thou crownest the
year with thy goodness
And thy clouds drop fatness
They shall drop upon the
dwellings of the wilderness
And the little hills shall
rejoice on every side
The folds shall
be full of sheep
The valleys also shall
stand so thick with corn
That they shall laugh and sing
- [Radio Announcer] And one
day there came a traveller
To the city of Jericho and
he sat beneath a fig tree.
He asked for a drink,
but the women told him
"There is enough for
our needs but no more".
The shade of the fig tree was cool,
but the guardians
of the law told him,
"You did not plant the fig tree
"neither did you nurture it
"and the shade is not for you."
The traveller moved on.
In the wilderness he spread his rug
And pressed his face to the sand.
Far away he heard the
music of the water
and saw the fig tree's shade,
and he murmured,
"I understand, I understand."
(dramatic orchestral music)
(soft beeping)
(upbeat rock and roll music)
- [Radio Announcer] Hello, me old mates. For
all of you from Bethnal Green to Brighton,
Here's Vince Groyne and the Peers.
(radio clicks)
- Good luck.
(utensil tinging)
(pot clatters)
(lid clatters)
(newspaper rustles)
(cereal clattering)
(toy thuds)
(milk splashing)
(cereal crackles)
(spoon rattles)
(knife scraping)
(teeth crunching)
- Oh!
I see Lord Purley's
getting married again.
I like the way he walks with
his hands behind his back.
- Who, Lord Purley?
- No, him.
I think it's ever so neat.
The little boy does it too.
Do you suppose he has lessons?
- I haven't the faintest idea.
(Delia laughs)
What's the joke?
- It's not a joke, but they
do have such a good time.
"Dublin rained bread
rolls last night.
"While corks popped beneath the chandeliers,
"debs and their escorts pelted their partners
"Across the dance floor.
"Champagne cascaded
from the balcony
"And brought the
cabaret to a full stop.
"Said John Biffy Lauderdale, second
cousin "to the Countess of Digbeth,
"We thought the artists should get
"their fair share of the champers."
(Delia laughs)
- What would you say if I
was to behave like that?
- You never would.
Oh, Lady Jane Caterham was grounded at London
airport yesterday when the bus carrying passengers
From the Paris plane broke
down 20 yards from reception.
Nothing daunted, the controversial
Lady Jane Got out and walked.
- No!
What, you mean she actually
got out and walked?
- Yes.
- What do you mean putting one foot
in front of the other and all that?
Isn't that marvellous,
I am deeply moved.
- Well, it's different for her.
She's a very busy woman.
- Yeah, I'm sure.
- And a very nice woman too.
- [Wally] I have no doubt.
- She's not a big stickup either.
We asked her to turn on the illumination.
She, she wrote back herself.
- Really?
Well, I'm sure we're all
highly honoured. I can't wait.
- Going to work then?
- It's time.
- You haven't folded your napkin.
(fingers thudding)
(dramatic instrumental music)
(lips smack)
(Wally sighs)
(bell ringing)
(chuckles)
(bicycle bell rings)
(door slams)
- That's two more teeth gone.
How do you expect an artist to work
with material like this?
- Not just now, please, Edward.
- Oh.
It's like that again, is it?
- Like what?
- There's a trough of
low pressure coming up.
- Yes, I heard.
- There's a gale warning too.
- Really?
- All right for some though.
Bournemouth had six point five
hours of sunshine yesterday.
- Did it?
- Yeah,
and it was up to 73 at Ramsgate.
In the shade, that is.
Very unusual for the time of year.
- How absolutely fascinating.
- Yes, you see it's all to do with this
cold front Coming in from the Atlantic.
- Get in the car.
- But I'm waiting for these teeth to set.
- Get in the car.
- But I'm an artist.
- And your public is waiting.
Now will you please get in the car!
- It's not loaded.
- Well, why isn't it loaded?
- Because I have these
teeth to stick in.
- Well, who cares about the teeth?
- I care.
- Well, I don't. I've got other things to worry about.
- I was only speaking as an artist.
- Edward, I have the greatest
respect for you as an artist.
I appreciate that a temperament such as yours
Must be treated with tact and delicacy.
Now will you please
load up the car!
- There's no need to shout.
You only had to ask.
(cheery instrumental music)
We really must get this
tuned, up you know.
(bicycle bell ringing)
(dramatic music)
- Morning, Mr. Mayor!
- That was Pinner, wasn't it?
- I believe it was, Mr. Mayor.
- We'll have to do
something about him.
(men chattering)
Are we all present?
- Mr. Collins isn't here.
- Never mind him. Is everyone else here?
-1 think so.
- All right then.
(bell dinging)
- Gentlemen.
Mr. Mayor.
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- [Men] Good morning, Mr. Mayor.
- I'd just like to say a few words
About next week's great gala occasion.
(men mutter softly)
As you all know, that distinguished
personality, Lady Jane Caterham,
has kindly consented to switch
on the illuminations.
And, though far from desiring
the glare of publicity,
I feel her gracious presence
will help
to put Piltdown on the map where it has rightly
belonged for so many years.
- [Men] Hear, hear.
- Ah, but how much
is it going to cost?
- Mr. Edwards, this is no
time for penny pinching.
We've got 60 years of
Piltdown to celebrate.
And, if I may say
so,
I don't think any of us will
come too badly out of it.
- I think you've done
very well, Mr. Mayor.
- That's very nice of you, Fred.
I feel we've all played our
part although,
of course, I can't say that for
every element in the town.
We've got a few people
we could well do without.
(cheery instrumental music)
- What's it gonna do, Wal?
- Rain!
There's a drop of low
pressure coming up!
- How's the glass?
- Going down!
- It's coming from the West!
- We'll have it by tea time!
Hello, Dollie,
anything for the 3:307?
- Oh, go on.
(laughing)
- It was at 13:25 hours that Nelson was mortally
wounded by a musket ball from the French ship
as depicted in the scene and made, I
might add, Entirely from sand and water.
The French then attempted to board,
but were driven back
by officers and men who rushed
up from the lower deck.
Not long afterwards,
the French ship...
surrendered.
The Victory was now
little more than a wreck.
Her hull severely damaged.
Her rigging badly cut and
few of her spars intact.
Go away, will you,
go away, go away!
(dog snorts)
Go on!
(dog barks)
Now, up to 15:50 hours, when
he lost his power of speech,
Nelson continued to receive
reports of the battle
and one of the last instructions To
Captain Hardy was to anchor the fleet.
Go on, now, would you please?
Go away, go on, be off!
This was also the occasion
when the great admiral,
mortally wounded and
about to breathe his last,
Called Captain Hardy to his
side and whispered in his ear.
Now some authorities have
it that what he said was,
"Kismet Hardy," which as the classical
scholars Have it means fate.
Others believe that what he actually
said was, "Kiss me, Hardy."
Which, of course,
is quite another matter.
(laughs)
Well, at any rate, Admiral
Nelson died at 16:40 hours.
- Oh, he's really got 'em today.
- Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you care to show
your appreciation, you'll find a receptacle
For coins just in
front of the sculpture.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
- Madam, would you kindly
remove that animal?
Thank you very much.
- Good morning!
- Well, hello.
- Force nine in the channel.
Horatio's lookin'
a bit rough today.
You ought to shove Lady Hamilton
in there. Brighten it up a bit.
- That is hardly in keeping.
- All right, please yourself.
- Ah, sir, Madam, what about a little picture
of the three of you with the little girl.
What a lovely little kid she is.
Bless her.
That's right, big smile, sir.
Memories of Piltdown.
Shan't be a second.
A little closer together.
That's right, and smile, darling.
You'll like Piltdown.
I won't be a second now.
Smile, darling, smile.
That's it, any second now.
Here we go.
Oy, Ted!
- Edward if you don't mind.
- Would you mind getting that
tent of yours out of the way?
- Tent?
Are you referring to this
piece of theatrical equipment?
- That thing you're carrying!
It's ruining my sitting!
- Sitting?
You mean those snapshots?
- Only amateurs take snapshots.
I offer my customers
a living likeness.
Memories to cherish.
Carefree days by the
sea captured forever.
- Come on, love.
- Now look what you've done!
Madam!
Will you get out of the
way, will you?
Madam, sir,
what about the little girl?
Now don't be like that, Madam.
- Am I bothering you?
- No.
- If you could see your way clear,
Do you think we could
possibly proceed to the beach?
- All right then.
- Thank you.
(mallet banging)
(mallet banging)
- He's here again.
(dramatic music)
- Oh no!
Not again, that's all we need!
Come on, come on.
Come on.
Got the new swazzle.
- How is it?
- (high-pitched) What a pity,
what a pity, what a pity!
- Sounds all right.
- Nothing like the old
one, you know.
- It's all right.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Oh well.
Time?
- It's almost time.
- Overture.
(cheery instrumental music)
Right.
Curtain.
Here we are again!
Hello!
- [Children] Hello.
- Hello.
- [Children] Hello.
Goodbye!
(children laugh)
My name is Joey the Clown and
I'm very squeezed to meet you!
Pleased to meet you.
Would you like to see Mr. Punch?
- [Children] Yes!
- Mr. Punch?
- [Punch] Yes?
- Will you come upstairs?
(squeaking)
- Hello!
Hello!
- Hello, Mr. Punch.
- Hello, Joey, hello!
- Now I've got to go
downstairs for a glass
of bread and dripping.
You stay here...
(banging)
And don't you go away.
- All right!
- Goodbye.
(squeaking)
- Goodbye!
(Punch sings in squeaks)
Hello!
- [Children] Hello.
- Judy?
- [Judy] Yes?
- Come on!
- Here I am.
- Oh, there's Judy!
Judy, give us a kiss.
- All right, stand over there.
One.
(Punch laughs)
- Suppose you've seen quite
a few changes in your time.
- Yes, it's not the same you know.
We used to do 10 shows a day.
- Get away.
- Mm.
- Course,
television killed it really.
- (high-pitched)
Oh, that was lovely!
Just like having the tooth out!
Mr. Punch,
would you look after the baby?
- What?
- There you are.
- Ooh, what a beautiful baby.
- Now, Mr. Punch, would
you nurse the baby for me?
- Huh?
- Be a good boy.
- Huh?
- [Judy] Bye-bye.
- [Punch] Bye-bye.
(Punch squeaks)
- Watch it much?
- What?
- Television?
- No, too much violence.
Very bad for the kids.
(stick banging)
(Punch laughing)
(people laughing)
- [Punch] That's the way to do it.
That's the way to do it.
(Punch laughs)
- There's no two ways
about as far I can see.
We've gotta move with the times.
- [Men] Hear, hear.
- Now then,
is there any further business?
- There's the question
of decorations.
- No question,
surely they'll be worn.
- Isn't it a little invidious?
- What do you mean invidious?
If you've won 'em you wear 'em.
- Yes, well, they didn't pin
them on everyone, you know.
Some of us had to stay at home.
- No one's getting at you, Jack.
- Ah, there was a job
of work to be done.
I remember Winston coming down...
- Alright, Jack, we all know.
You're one of the unsung heroes.
- Well,
if it hadn't been for my leg.
(men mutter)
I can feel it now, just
a touch of the East wind
And it doesn't half give me gyp.
- Yes, I don't know how you manage
To get around those
36 holes every Sunday.
(men laugh)
Well, the doctor said
I've got to keep moving.
- You've always had
to, haven't you, Jack?
- I don't know what
decorations you can put up,
but I reckon if they'd known
about your contribution
To the war effort, they'd
have sent you the iron cross!
(men laugh)
- Now look here, Jack!
- [Mayor] All right, that's enough.
- It's all very well, Arthur.
- I said, that's enough.
We've almost run
into drinking time.
- Yes.
(Punch squeaks)
- Come along, here we are.
Three for, here we are.
Three for.
Ready in 24 hours,
three for half a crown.
Now come along now.
Ah, you, sir.
Smile!
- Who killed Mr. Punch?
- [Children] A skeleton.
- A skellybones?
- [Children] Yes, yes.
- Oh, I don't like scallywagses.
You won't ever get me.
(squeaking)
Where?
(children shout)
Too far.
- Come along now,
three for half crown.
Ready in 24 hours.
Get your photographs
taken over here.
- He's out there.
- Who is?
- Nevil.
- Come along now,
three for half a crown.
- Go and get rid of him!
I'll take that.
- All right.
- Fine, fine.
All right.
- [Child] Hello.
- [Nevil] Here we are, Madam.
Here we are, get your
photographs taken here.
Come along now.
- He's out!
(children shout)
Where?
- Come alone now.
- A skallybone?
- [Children] Yes!
- Ah, here we are, Madam.
Ready in 24 hours.
Get your photographs
taken over here.
- Scallydog?
- Yes!
- Always here,
memories of Piltdown.
Get your photographs taken here.
Come along, sir and madam.
Why, look at that
baby you've got there.
- Look here, you're interrupting
a public performance!
- I'm not afraid of him!
- Ready in 24 hours.
Memories to cherish.
- [Joey] You know what
I'd do if I saw him?
- [Children] No!
- [Joey] I'd look him
straight in the face
And I'd say, now look here.
- Ooooh!
- Oh, he looks like
a lump of ice cream.
Here comes the coffin!
(children laugh)
There we are.
Come on, Mr. Punch.
In you go.
Get your tootsie-wootsies in.
Take him to the
semitootery and we'll
Sing a sad song to take him away.
(Wally sings happily)
(crowd applauding)
(in high-pitched
squeaks) What about that?
What about that?
Have you ever seen a worse example
Of unprofessional
behaviour in your life?
Wandering about, hanging
out cards like soap coupons.
I'll kill the...
- Hello there.
How's it going at Trafalgar?
- I don't like the look of it.
(coins rattles)
How did we do?
Nevil Shanks, society photographer.
Portraits by appointment
or while you wait.
I'll sort him out later.
They all gone?
- Think so.
- I'll have a look.
(playful music)
Oh no!
Trouble.
- I'll have that.
- Thank you.
Well, what do you want?
- You left the crocodile out.
- Who did?
- You left it out.
- Well, who says he has to be in?
- He's always in.
- Well, he wasn't in this time.
- Why not?
- Because it has been
a very difficult day!
- Will he be in this afternoon?
- If I want him to be in.
- Well, I want him to be in.
- Well, he probably will be in.
- Good!
- Well, er, I suggest we
adjourn to the Trident.
- Yes.
Not for long, I told Delia
I'd be back for lunch.
(bell ringing)
- Good morning.
- Oh.
Good morning, Mrs. Palmer.
Irene, a chair for the Mayoress.
- Now, it's about the gala night.
There was something
I meant to ask you.
Now, what was it?
- You thought I might be able
to help with the tableaux.
- Yes, well, I'm afraid
that's all been arranged.
- Oh, but you promised.
- I'm sorry, my dear,
but we had to get on
with things and the Committee felt,
in view of her experience,
Miss Ripper should
arrange the tableaux.
She's very good at that
sort of thing, you know.
- Well, of course,
if it's been arranged.
- But I did have
another suggestion.
- Yes?
- Well, I wondered if your husband
Would care to entertain us.
I mean, we are a seaside
resort and it would
Be so nice to have something
of the spirit of the place.
- Yes, well, I, I don't know.
I'll have to ask him.
- Must you?
(sighs) What a pity.
I've my list to
finish today and I'm
Afraid I really must know now.
- Well, I, I really don't know.
You see, he's very...
- After all, my dear,
it's quite an honour.
We're having some very
distinguished company.
- Yes, I know, Lady Caterham.
Oh, I think she's marvellous.
I should love to meet her.
- Well,
I daresay that could be arranged
if you speak to Mr. Pinner.
- Well,...
Yes, he'll do it.
He'll be delighted to do it.
- Gala Week, September
the Fifth to the 12th.
Carnivals,
tableaux and illuminations.
What a load of rubbish.
I wouldn't be seen
dead near that lot.
- I think it might be rather gay.
- Gay?
Are you out of your mind?
This is Piltdown Bay, the
pearl of the Dogger Bank.
You'll get no gaiety here.
(men laugh)
I'll lay you six to four that's
the one about the Eskimo.
- So the girl said
to this Eskimo...
(men laugh)
Well, come on now, Fred.
How did the meeting
go this morning?
- Well, I'm sworn to
secrecy, of course,
but between you and
me and the cake post
I think we should
all do very nicely.
- What'll you have?
- Oh, I'll have another
large pink gin, please.
- If he must water the
beer, I do wish he
wouldn't use seawater.
- I can't think why we come here.
- All the best people come here.
Ah.
The society photographer.
- Nice weather for ducks.
Well, it's raining.
- We know it's raining.
- You all covered up?
- Quite adequately.
- Well, that's all right
then, isn't it?
- I'm surprised
you've got the nerve
to show your face in here after
That little exhibition
this morning.
- Well, I'm temperamental.
And it's all your fault anyway.
- My fault?
- You interfered with my pose.
- I did not interfere
with your pose.
- Oh yes, you did.
- Oh no, I didn't.
- You and that tent of yours.
- It is not a tent.
- Well, whatever it is,
it destroyed the mood.
(tapping)
- Are you buying the drinks then?
- Well, of course.
Good grief.
(clears throat)
- Service.
- Be careful, he might hear you.
(clears throat)
(clears throat)
Without wishing to interrupt
your intellectual conversation,
I wonder if you could
see your way clear
To providing a little
service this side of the bar.
- I'll be with you in a minute.
- Do you mind?
This is a private conversation.
- Come here often?
(shutter slams)
Cheap dry return, workman's please.
Normal service will be
resumed as soon as possible.
Seats at all prices.
Try using your feet.
- I'll get it!
- Any more for the wall game?
- All right,
you've had your little joke.
Standing on the furniture
is not permitted!
- Ah, mine host.
Come landlord, fill the flowing
bowl, the cup of good cheer.
Let joy be un...
- Never mind about that.
Let us have you down.
- If you insist.
- I do insist.
Interfering with the
comfort of my clientele.
Well, what's it to be anyway?
- (stammers) What's
it gonna be then?
- A large whiskey.
- I'll have a bitter.
- A large whiskey, a small bitter.
- A large bitter.
- And I'll have a glass of Superb.
- A large whiskey, a large bitter,
A large glass of Superb, and
half a pint of mild, please.
I don't mind paying for your drink,
But there's no need
to go raving mad.
- Under the circumstances,
I think you've
got off this very lightly.
- Very lightly.
- Oh yeah?
Well, I've never seen
you drink a whole pint
of bitter before.
- Well, you will now.
- That'll be 10 and
threepence if you please.
(bell ringing)
- Pelting down out there.
Took me 10 minutes to get on a bus.
- Oh.
Oh, well, I suppose Mr.
Pinner will be late.
I better go and turn the oven down.
- No, he can't be working.
Not a soul on the front.
- Oh.
No, well, I suppose he's
sheltering somewhere.
Mr. Pinner knows how to
take care of himself.
- Well, cheerio then.
- [Nevil] Cheers.
(register dinging)
(men chattering)
- Well,
what would you gentlemen like?
- I'll have a pound out the till!
(men laugh)
- Hello,
the Yaks are with us again.
- The Yaks?
- It's an organisation, Edward.
- I've never met one.
- Of course, you have, the
place is stiff with them.
Hang on.
(knocking softly)
(knocking)
- Pardon me, is the Monarch
of the Glen at home?
(glass shattering)
(men laugh)
- That's nice, isn't it?
Nice class of clientele
you've got here.
Breaking the place up.
You wanna tell them to watch it.
(men chuckle)
Oh dear.
Mm.
Delicious.
Well, I'd like to
return the compliment.
Unfortunately, I have to dash.
Don't forget, up the Yaks!
(whistling)
- You know.
- He really is a
most amusing fellow.
- Oh yes, very droll.
(storm rages)
(gentle instrumental music)
- There's no point in
hanging about, you know!
You can't expect a performance
When it's coming down like this.
Well, can you?
You better get off home then!
All right, come on over here.
Well, come on, I won't eat you.
Why aren't you at home?
- I'm waiting for it to stop.
- Where do you live?
- 42 Banjo Road.
- That's on the bus route.
- I haven't got any money.
- How much is it?
- Threepence, half price.
- Here you are.
Why not?
- Mum said I wasn't to take
money from strange men.
- But I'm not a strange man.
You see me every day of the week.
This is ridiculous.
- I'll give it to you back.
- I should hope so.
- Where's the bus stop?
- In Market Street.
- All right, I'll take you there.
- There's no need!
- I know there isn't,
it's on my way.
- All right then.
(gentle music)
- He is late, isn't he, Mrs.
Pinner?
Wouldn't have thought
it would have taken him
As long as this to
get up from the front.
- No, well, I expect
he's discussing business.
- Still,
he might have let you know.
- Have you brought those boxes up
From the basement yet, Miss Foster?
- No, Madam.
- Well, would you do it?
Now, please.
(storm raging)
(wind howling)
- What's the matter, you hungry?
- Yes.
- All right,
won't last long anyway.
- Good afternoon.
(hat slapping)
Good afternoon.
What's it to be?
Shepherd's Delight, Sunset Special?
Rainbow Treat or Hopskotch Dainty?
- Oh, I'll just have a bowl
of hot soup, I think, please.
- We don't do soup, sir.
- I'll just have a cup of tea.
- We don't do tea either, sir.
- Oh.
Well, what would you like?
- I'll have a Piltdown Glory.
Two scoops of luscious vanilla.
Two scoops of toasty chocolate.
Succulent sliced banana, juicy
peach fingers in pure cane
Syrup swimming in
super-smooth butter fat cream.
Ooh, and a cherry!
- And a cherry.
And for you, sir?
- The same.
(spoon clatters)
(contents rattle)
(clears throat)
(cheery instrumental music)
(teeth crunching)
- Straw please.
(popping)
- That's the way to do it.
- Just a minute.
Five shillings.
(Wally chuckles)
- [Man] There's only a few of you.
Now's the time to get in.
There's only a few of you.
Bingo, now's the time to get in.
Now drowning.
Play it again, one line any way
Or one on each in four
corners, all right?
Are you going to locate
the first tunnel?
(bell dinging)
- Strong.
- [Man] On the white
56, 56 on the white.
On the green line, 31.
- Any luck?
- No.
- Oh.
- How about you?
- Strong.
- Oh, very good.
Have a sweet.
- Thank you.
- [Man] On the red, number nine.
Nine on the red.
(machine clatters)
(machine clatters)
That's awfully good,
Nevil, awfully good.
Look, er, a little
fresh air, I think, you?
Come on.
- [Man] Any moment now, it's
gonna go back to the winner.
- Here we are.
- Thank you very much.
- Afternoon.
- Bye-bye.
(bell rings)
- Oh, we were wondering
what happened to you?
- Yes, I got held up.
How is Mrs. Pinner?
- Waiting.
(dramatic music)
- Mm-hmm.
(suspenseful music)
- Ooh!
- Hello.
- Do you know the time?
- Yeah, I'm a bit late.
I'm sorry.
- You are precisely one
hour and 10 minutes late.
I suppose they haven't got
clocks in your part of the town.
- Yes, but I got a bit tied
up, you know.
- And you can tell the time?
- Yes, I can tell the time.
- Well, then, what happened?
You were supposed to
be back for lunch.
I've been cooking
there all morning.
You've got no consideration.
Not good manners.
- Oh, yes, we know about manners.
- You don't!
- Of course,
we don't all have the benefit
Of your social contacts, do we?
Is the wine quite chill
enough, Madam?
Is it quite satisfactory
to the duchess?
- Very funny.
- How about a touch of pate?
Nothing like it after
a day on the moors.
- When you're ready.
Well, what's the matter with it?
- Nothing, I just can't
eat it, that's all.
- Why not?
- I just had a Piltdown Glory.
- A what?
- A Piltdown Glory.
It's two scoops of
luscious vanilla.
Two scoops of flaky chocolate.
Succulent sliced
bananas all swimming
In super-smooth butterfat cream.
- I suppose I should ask why.
- Yeah, well,
there was this boy, you see,
And he hadn't got his bus
fare and it was raining.
And there was a
shop and we went in.
- And you had a Piltdown Glory.
You're supposed to be a
grown man, responsible.
When I married you, I
thought you were gonna
Make something of yourself,
but you never did.
We've traipsed around
all these years.
I've lost count of the
furnished rooms we've
Lived in with those
dreadful theatricals.
And now we've got a chance to put
Down some roots among
a nice class of people.
Oh, don't you understand!
If you want to get on in the world
you've got to fit in with people.
But you don't do anything,
you leave it all to me.
It's only because of me
they put up with you at all.
- Have my own friends.
- Oh, that's not what I mean.
I mean, the people that
count in this town.
It's only because of
me they've asked you
to do this gala night.
- Gala night?
I shouldn't think so,
I wouldn't touch it.
- Well, it's...
It's too late now.
I said you would.
- You're joking.
- No, I'm not.
The Mayoress has
put your name down.
- Well, she can just
rub it right out again.
- But I promised.
- I don't care what you promised.
I have no intention whatsoever of
Appearing in that little function.
- Do you want to
make me look a fool?
- Would you really
like me to answer that?
- No.
- No, I should think not.
I can just hear you
with the Mayoress.
"Oh, yes, Mrs. Palmer.
"Oh, no, Mrs. Palmer.
"Oh, certainly, he'd be delighted
"To do the gala night, Mrs. Palmer.
"Oh, yeah, three bags full, Mrs.
Palmer."
You may inform anyone
that's interested
That Mr. Pinner
declines the invitation.
- It's all arranged.
They'll be delivering
the menus this afternoon.
I've ordered the flowers and
I've worked out the seating.
Good afternoon.
- (together) Good afternoon, Mrs.
Palmer.
- Oh, and I had another idea.
I've got that Punch and
Judy man to come along.
- Punch and Judy man?
- Yes, what's his name?
Mr. um...
- Not Pinner?
- Yes.
- Very well, gentlemen,
we'll continue
With our discussion in 15 minutes.
- All right, Arthur.
- All right, Mr Mayor.
- (together) Good afternoon, Mrs.
Palmer.
- [Mayoress] Good afternoon.
- What do you mean by
bringing that wastrel into it?
- Well, you told me to go
ahead with the arrangements.
I thought we ought to stick
to the spirit of the occasion.
- Spirit of the occasion?
- That's what I said.
After all, we are supposed to be
Celebrating 60 years of Piltdown.
- And this is your
idea of a celebration?
Pinner?
He's just the type that's
holding the town back
and you encourage him?
- I haven't encouraged anybody.
I've simply arranged with his
wife for him to come along.
- Well,
you can just go straight back
And arrange for him to stay away.
- I can't do that.
You're not the only one with
responsibilities, you know.
- All right, all right.
If it's done, it's done.
But mark my words, they're
just trouble that lot.
Nothing but trouble.
- Have you got a minute?
- Oh, hello.
Certainly, what is it?
- Just a quick word,
but it's important.
- Oh, I see.
Just a moment.
I always have a cup
of tea at this hour.
Shall we go?
- Yes.
(dog barking)
- Oh, er, come along in then.
- Do you know I've never
been in here before?
- Mm?
Good lord, nor you have.
- Mm-hmm.
I never knew your name was Charles.
- Oh, yes, yes.
After my uncle,
on my mother's side.
He was a master mariner.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yes, yes.
Would you like to sit?
- Oh, that's fine.
- Oh, good, good, good.
Now I think you're gonna like this.
It's the same blend that
we used to have at home.
Darjeeling with a
trace of Soochong.
- Very nice.
Well,
you're pretty well set up here.
- Oh, yes, it's quite comfortable.
Of course, it's not
quite like a home, but...
Well, it has its compensations.
- You're very lucky.
You want to hang on to it.
Do you know what
happened to me today?
- No.
- I went home to lunch
and I was a little late,
I'll admit that, but I
was unavoidably detained.
- Yeah.
- Before I can open me
mouth, I find that I
Am put down for the Piltdown Gala.
- Oh no.
- Yeah.
Delia fixed it behind me back.
- Oh.
- Got to get in with a nice
class of people she says.
No more of these
dreadful theatricals.
You've got to get on in the world.
- Milk?
- Yes, please.
We've got to make
something of ourselves.
No more of this traipsing around.
We've got to put down roots.
- Sugar?
- Two, please.
I ask you, can you imagine me stuck
Between Lady Jane Caterham and
the Mayoress of Piltdown Bay?
It's not funny.
It's not my idea of a night out.
Is it yours?
- Good grief, no.
- This is very good.
Oh, you'll never get
lumbered like this.
You're on your own.
- Yes.
- [Wally] You don't
know how lucky you are.
- Well, that's a matter of opinion.
It can be rather lonely.
- Surely you don't get lonely.
[ tell you this, I'd change places
With you any day of the week.
- Really?
- You've got your freedom.
- Oh, yes.
- Nobody nagging you to
make something of yourself.
- Oh, no, certainly not.
- You made a very wise
decision to stay single.
- Yes, well...
Actually it wasn't my decision.
The lady said no.
- I see.
- Well,
it's probably all for the best.
As I understand it, marriage
is a matter of give and take.
Not all of us are equipped
for that sort of thing.
Another cup?
- No, thank you.
What am I gonna do about this gala?
After all, it is Delia's fault.
Nobody can blame me
if I turned it in.
- Oh no, nobody's gonna blame you.
- I can simply tell them
I'm not gonna do it.
I can tell Delia that I'm
not going through with it.
I could, couldn't I7?
- Yes, you could.
But you know I can't help
feeling it's really a matter
Of your own conscience, isn't it?
- Conscience.
Thanks very much for the tea.
I'll give your regards to Delia.
(fast-paced, cheery music)
(Punch squeaking)
- I say,
you're going it a bit today.
Steady on.
Have you gone raving mad?
What's the matter with you?
It's the policeman now.
- Put her back!
(Punch squeaking)
Put her back!
(Punch laughing)
- Well, I don't see what's
so terrible about it.
You appear before
the public every day.
- Not that public.
- There's nothing wrong with them.
- Oh, I know.
They're a very nice
class of people.
- Well, so they are.
You've never even spoken to them.
You don't give anyone a chance.
- I never give anybody a chance?
You're fine one to talk.
You fixed me up for this
high class brawl tomorrow
Without even consulting me?
How do you know I didn't have
another social engagement?
- You?
When did you ever have
a social engagement?
- I get around a bit.
- The public bar of
the Trident I suppose
With all those other
influential citizens.
- No need to adopt
that tone of voice.
They're a lot better
than the mob you like.
Hmm.
So much for the undercoat.
- It wouldn't do any harm
if some other people I knew
Took an interest in
their appearance.
- How many pots of
that stuff do you
Manage to get through in a year?
Let's see,
there's one every two weeks
and there's 52 weeks in the year
At five bob a time.
That's about six
pounds two shillings
Per annum you're
spending on that stuff.
That works out at
about half a dollar
A square inch I say.
- You don't pay for it.
- Hello.
What's all this then?
Etiquette For All.
Common Courtesy For Everyday Use.
Let's have a look at
this then, where are we?
Ah.
"In writing to an Archbishop,
a correspondent would begin
"My Lord Archbishop, and end,
I remain, My Lord Archbishop,
"Your Grace's most
obedient servant.
Now, that's very useful.
I've been meaning to
write to him for ages.
- Ha ha.
- Ah.
Here's a valuable
piece of information.
"Women servants should
wear muslin aprons,
"White, in brackets, and
collar, cap and cuffs.
"They should be
quick-sighted, deft-handed
"and soft of foot."
It's no good, Maud,
you'll have to go.
We can't have those great plates
Banging round the furniture.
- I should read on
a bit if I were you.
You might pick up
a few useful tips.
- Yeah, I think at the
worst it's marvellous.
Let's see now,
what else have we got here?
Oh, now, ah.
What about this?
"Cocktail parties depend
for their success mainly
"on the personality
of the hostess."
Darling, how absolutely
divine of you to come.
Do sit down,
I must mix you a camel's leg.
- At least it's not
a Piltdown Glory.
- Hm.
The invisible man!
- Do you really find it so funny?
- No, it's not.
- I do try, you know.
You don't make it very easy for me.
- What do you want me to do?
- I want you to
come tomorrow night.
[t's not much to ask.
It would mean a lot to me.
- Oh, I don't know, I've
seen some of these things.
They're not all they're
cracked up to be, you know.
You might be disappointed.
- I'll take a chance on that.
It would make such a difference.
You don't know what a
difference it would make.
- All right, I'll think about it.
- It could make such
a difference to us.
- I've said I'll think about it.
- You will come, won't you?
- Go to sleep.
- But you'll think about it.
- I've said I'll think about it.
Now could we get some sleep?
(gentle instrumental music)
(switch clicks)
(Delia sighs)
(cereal clatters)
- Let me.
(water splashes)
(knife scratches)
Tea all right, dear?
- Yes.
- It's a new kind.
- Darjeeling with a
touch of Soochong.
- How did you know?
-1 had some yesterday.
- Oh, where?
- Down at...
Does it matter?
- I only wondered.
You will do it, won't you?
- Yes, yes, all right then.
I'll do it.
- Oh, thank you.
(lips smack)
It'll be a wonderful
evening, you'll see.
- I hope so.
(Wally sighs)
I'll see you tonight then.
- There we are.
See you tonight!
(bell rings)
(dramatic instrumental music)
- [Wally Voiceover] I
must be stark raving mad!
Yes, mad.
I can't explain it.
I wonder if I've got a temperature.
I wouldn't be surprised.
Gala night at Piltdown Bay!
60 years of sheer misery!
Rain, rain, that might stop it.
No.
No, not a hope.
No, not that lot.
You...
Fool, fool, fool, fool!
And that didn't help either.
(sighs)
Oh, good day, Lady Mayoress.
Yes, Mrs. Palmer.
Of course, Mrs. Palmer.
Good luck, Mrs. Palmer.
Some tea?
China, of course.
How charming.
How very delightful.
(whimpers)
Drop your litter in the bin.
Otherwise it would be a sin.
She looked very sweet as
she walked down the street.
And that's why darkies are born.
- Good morning, sir.
May I help you?
- I want to buy a handkerchief.
- Certainly, sir.
What kind?
- This one will do, that's fine.
- Would you like me to...
- No, no, that's all
right, that's all right.
- That one is one guinea.
- Is it?
One guinea.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Il imagine this is fully insured?
(lady sighs)
(engine revving)
(horn honks)
(playful instrumental music)
Why not one?
What about a light Moselle?
Slightly triangular.
Or a little diagonal.
Light and flowery.
Or would you like
a big red Burgundy?
(grunts softly)
Diagonal.
Big red Burgundy.
(tyres screech)
(drums banging)
(dog barking)
It's all right for you!
And he's only a dog.
At the moment, I wouldn't
mind being a dog.
(Wally barks softly)
Ah.
Er.
I seem to have lost
me swazzle somewhere.
Er.
Yes.
Er, probably left it in the hut.
Somewhere about, I suppose.
It was the best one, you know.
The one I usually use.
Um.
Yes, probably left it in the hut.
Incidentally, I'm doing the gala.
- I'm sure Delia will be pleased.
- Delighted.
- Oh, these things have a way
of turning out quite well.
- Do they?
- Hm?
Oh, yes, quite well.
- You wouldn't mind
going yourself then?
- I've not been invited.
- Well, you have now.
I shall be working,
you can take Delia.
Yep, yep, yep.
- Black tie.
- But, Wally.
- Seven o'clock.
- All right, if you insist.
- Well,
it's really a matter for one's
own conscience, isn't it?
(people cheering)
(man whistles)
(people cheer loudly)
- Stop it, Wally, stop it!
Oh, stop it!
It's not for you,
it's for Lady Jane.
You do embarrass me.
- My ticket.
- All right.
All right?
- All right.
- Take her in with that.
- Good.
- I'll see you later.
- Why does he have to
carry on like that?
- My good man.
Where is the artist's
entrance, please?
- Round the back.
- That's a good start, isn't it?
(chuckles)
(smooth band music)
- [Announcer] My Lord
and Lady Plowright.
- So glad you could come.
- Thank you.
- How do you do?
- Meet my town clerk.
- Good evening, my lord.
- Good evening to you.
- This way, please.
- Mr. and Mrs. Walter Pinner.
Mrs. Walter Pinner and
Mr. Charles Alfred Ford.
Mrs. Walter Pinner and
Mr. Charles Arthur Ford.
- Hello.
Oh, I say.
- Over there, please.
- Delia.
- Excuse me, I beg your pardon.
But she's over there.
- Yes, I know, I know.
- I'm supposed to meet her.
- Come on, I'm sure you will.
- The Lady Mayoress said to
me I'm definitely meeting her.
She promised.
- I do appreciate that.
It's rather crowded here.
Excuse me, so sorry.
Try and get in.
Would you mind just?
Yes, now what would you like?
- I don't know.
- Well, a glass of sherry perhaps?
- No, no, thank you.
[, I think I'll have a
gin, a large one!
- What we all say is it's a
grand place for the family.
You know, a nice homely place
for mum, dad and the kids.
I don't know why folks
bother flocking off
to these foreign parts.
Whatever they've got,
Piltdown can provide.
- Can't wait to see the casino.
- The bowling green
and the promenade
And the garden of remembrance,
very peaceful there.
- Ah, they looking
after you all right?
- Yes, yes, splendidly.
- Good.
- Another glass of champagne?
- Yes, that would be nice.
- Waiter.
I chose it myself, you know.
Nothing but the best.
- Where's the dressing room please?
- Third floor.
- Ah.
(chuckles)
Isn't that typical?
We'll have to walk.
- But I've got all this stuff.
- Oh, stop complaining.
It'll do you good, come on.
Watch it, watch it now.
Come on.
That's it, that's it.
(laughing)
(people chattering)
- [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, your attention please.
The time is nearly eight o'clock.
In a few moments,
His Worship, the Mayor,
will proceed to the balcony to
Introduce our guest of honour!
(people cheer)
- Lady Mayoress.
- Over here.
- Lady Mayoress!
(crowd applauds)
- Haven't you pawned
your chain yet, Arthur?
- He will tomorrow!
(laughing)
- My friends and fellow citizens,
Tonight is the 60th
anniversary or our fair town.
And as your mayor, I consider
it to be a great honour
and privilege to welcome on
your behalf our distinguished,
and if I may say so,
very lovely guest
Of honour to join our festivities.
(crowd applauds)
In a few moments, I will
ask her to throw the switch,
which will light up
the illuminations,
a magnificent display
especially designed by the head
Of our carnival committee,
Mr. Reginald Fletcher.
(applauding)
But before she does so, I will
ask her to say a few words.
Lady Jane Caterham.
(crowd applauds)
(crowd cheers)
- Good evening.
(crowd cheers)
- When your mayor
invited me to visit you
In your famous old town,
I was deeply honoured.
(razor buzzes)
All of us can
Recall the happy days we
spent as children, by the sea.
And the sea, as we all
know, is a deep part
Of our island heritage.
We are a nation of sailors.
Salt water runs in our blood.
Drake, Raleigh, and Nelson,
these names which we cherish,
They were the guardians
of our sea-girt isle.
And here in Piltdown,
the tradition lingers,
Still flourishes.
- Hear, hear.
(crowd applauds)
- We of us who live in the
great cities of this land
seldom think of the
hardships and the discomforts
Which are the daily lot
of you brave fisher folk.
But true to the spirit
of Merrie England,
You well know how to make merry.
(applauding)
And it is in this
spirit that I am happy
To join with you here tonight.
60 years of Piltdown is
indeed something to celebrate.
May your next 60 years
be as happy as the last.
May the trade winds forever waft
Gently over your golden beaches.
And may your nets continue to bulge
With the silver harvest of the sea.
- Bravo.
(crowd applauds)
(crowd cheers)
- And now I take great
pleasure in switching
On the Piltdown illuminations.
(crowd applauds)
(crowd cheers)
Switch, switch.
Switch.
- Hand the lady the switch.
(switch clicks)
(crowd gasps)
(majestic music)
- Hooray, more, more, encore!
Hup, hup!
(razor buzzes)
(man whistles)
(man whistles)
(fist knocking)
- What's going on?
- It was all right this afternoon.
- Well, it's not all right now.
It's sheer incompetence.
I wouldn't trust
you to mend a fuse.
Can't you hear them
laughing out there?
It's your fault,
do something about it.
- I told you to stick to
your fireworks, Arthur!
- Very pretty.
- Thanks.
I think we might have a drink now.
- Drink, yes.
(people chattering)
- Ah, Mrs. Peele, number 40.
- Er, Lord Taylor,
number eight, sir.
- Number 14.
- 147
- Number 14.
- I believe we're number nine.
- I'm sorry about this, Delia.
- Oh, don't worry.
- I expect there's
been some mistake.
- Yes, I know, but seated near
this we can't see anything.
- Hey, Wal.
They didn't half make a
mess of the illuminations.
- Really?
(chuckling)
I'm not a bit surprised,
it's typical Piltdown.
- Yes.
Don't forget to lay
up that other place.
- No, run on.
- Here he is.
- It's all right.
Well, this is cosy, isn't it?
How was Lady Jane then?
Well, if you were with us
you would know, wouldn't you?
- Well, I had other things to do.
- Wally.
- Well.
How was she?
What did she say to you?
- I wasn't introduced.
- Why not?
- Diverted, I believe.
Not on the list.
It's all right, it doesn't matter.
- It matters for you.
This is the main reason you wanted to come here.
Well, that's it, we're off.
- Don't make a scene.
Sit down.
- I wouldn't advise it.
- Why not?
- The chair's gone.
- Gone?
- Got your irons, Wal.
- Oh, get us a chair, will you?
- You'll get me the sack, you will.
(gavel banging)
- My lords, ladies and gentlemen.
Please be upstanding to
receive His Worship, The Mayor,
And his charming guest of honour.
(crowd applauds)
- Oh.
- Well, as we're staying,
let's see what we're having.
- It's lovely, look.
- Le Delice de Sole Piltdown.
A chat from the Mayor.
And the Punch and Judy
presented by W. Pinner.
I'm looking forward to that.
How do you set these things out?
- Delia.
- [Delia] No, no, not for me.
Thank you.
- No?
(gavel banging)
- My lords, Reverend sir,
ladies and gentlemen,
Pray silence for your chairman,
His Worship, the Mayor.
- You know what he is, don't you?
(applauding)
- My Lords, Reverend sir,
ladies and gentlemen,
I don't propose to detain you long.
Now that we've wined and dined,
very handsomely if I may say so,
I think we should consider what has
Made the evening such a success.
The secret is good citizenship.
And in Piltdown, that also
means good fellowship.
We meet here as friends,
friendly rivals perhaps
in the field of commerce,
but certain allies
In the fight for a
greater Piltdown.
60 years is what we celebrate.
60 even more glorious years
is what we anticipate.
- [Audience] Hear, hear.
- But we mustn't forget
this is a gala occasion.
So I'll ask you all
to take the floor
To the music of our own
Percy Barlow and the Rebels.
(applauding)
And, if she'll oblige,
I'll open the festivities
With our delightful guest.
- [Fletcher] Good old Arthur.
(cheery band music)
- Do you wanna dance?
- Oh, yes, please.
- I must say,
I expected an older man.
- We're very progressive
here, you know.
- You had a couple drinks
tonight, didn't you?
- No, why?
- Yes, you did, I can tell.
- Well, I was nervous.
Does it show?
- No, no, only to me.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, of course I'm
sure, you're fine.
What does it matter anyway?
- Well, wouldn't like
anyone 10 think I was...
- Who cares about
them, look at 'em.
- I like a man who leads.
- I wouldn't mind leading you.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
- Look at you.
Ah, you never could
dance, could you?
- Madam, have you never
experienced the rare delight
Of the Pinner left-hand
down feather reverse turn?
- I don't believe
I've had that honour.
- Then you're in, kid.
- Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
you clumsy bloody fool!
Why don't you look
where you're going?
You've ruined my stockings.
- I'm terribly sorry.
It was an accident.
- Yes, well everything
is an accident here.
I wouldn't trust anyone
in this ghastly town
To do anything right.
- [Wally] If you'd been
looking where you were going...
- This is entirely your fault.
I hold you responsible.
Charging about the floor
with no consideration.
- Ah, the voice of Piltdown!
I'm terribly sorry to
have to prise you apart
In the middle of your civic duties.
- Don't you dare
talk to me like that!
- Would you mind taking
me away from this rabble?
- Charming.
- Oh, you insulted her,
you insulted the Mayor!
You, you ruined everything!
(sobbing)
- Mr. Drummer, please.
(fast-paced drum banging)
(cymbals banging)
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's cabaret time!
(applauding)
- It's all homegrown talent.
They're really excellent, you know.
- But here at Piltdown we
like it a little different,
As the bishop said, to the actress.
(laughing)
But seriously,
ladies and gentlemen,
And I would like to be
serious, for a moment.
We are here to celebrate
60 glorious years
in the history of our own town,
and I say our town,
ladies and gentlemen,
because after 15 years amongst you,
I feel that I belong here.
- Two more large brandies, please.
- Hey, bring the bottle.
- [Announcer] It's a happy time...
- Very good, sir.
- Ladies and gentlemen.
And now just to show you
how things used to be,
We turn back the clock for
the Punch and Judy Man.
W. Pinner assisted by E. Cox.
(applauding)
(cheery band music)
- Don't tell me you actually
employ people like that here.
- Here we go then.
Into the valley of death.
(light applauding)
Evening, Percy.
All right then.
Let's get it over with.
- That's a charming group.
Hold it now, smile.
Thank you.
Here you go.
Seven and six for three copies.
Moments to cherish.
Here we are, gents.
Three copies for 15 shillings.
Memories to cherish.
Thank you.
(paper ripping)
Well, that's nice, isn't it?
- Go away.
- Oy, right oh!
- Dobedobedobedo!
Dobedobedobedo, here we are again!
Hello!
- Hello!
- Hello.
Goodbye.
- Seriously?
That's a short show.
I want my money back.
- Be quiet, George.
- [George] Well!
- My name is Joey the
Clown and I'm very
Squeezed to meet you.
(people chattering)
Squeezed to meet you!
We've got the cream of
society here tonight.
Would you like to see Mr. Punch?
- No!
- Well, you're going to.
- It's all going wrong.
- Mr. Punch?
- Huh?
- Hello, Mr. Punch.
- Hello, Joey.
- Now, I've got to go downstairs
For a glass of bread and dripping.
- I'd like one too.
(Punch squeaks)
- Hello!
- Judy!
- [Judy] Yes?
- Come up!
- [Judy] Here I am.
- Here's Judy.
Give us a kiss!
- [Judy] No.
- I want a kiss.
(laughing)
- I'd go and claim your
rights, old boy, if I were you.
Faint heart and all that.
(laughing)
(Punch laughs)
- Wait for it, here he comes.
- No.
- I want a kiss.
- What's he doing?
He's put his glass on the stage.
- Has he, well,
we'll soon deal with that.
Good health.
- Where's it gone?
Someone's stolen my drink.
- I'll do him in a minute.
- No, let me.
- [George] Take my drink.
(crunching)
Oh!
(Punch squeaks)
(stick banging)
(laughing)
- No idea how to behave.
Where I come from we'd
have thrown things at him.
- Really?
(belches)
- What's this for?
- Ammunition.
(Punch laughs)
- [Man] Oh, yes!
(glasses clinging)
(people chattering)
- Well, that's nice, isn't it?
(people chattering)
(man laughing)
- All right, that's it.
I am leaving.
- You can't!
- Just watch me.
- You can't leave like this.
- I most certainly can.
- Please, please,
this is most unseemly.
Most un-Christian!
(plates crash)
- What is going on?
(guests laughing)
(water squirting)
That is the end.
I wouldn't bother
about a collection.
Come on, we're off, and
I hope she's satisfied.
- One final volley.
- He's still got my drink.
- [Man] George, George.
- Well, what about my committee?
- I don't care about
your committee.
I don't care about Piltdown,
and I don't care about you.
Now get out of my way, please.
- Hang on, what's this?
Hang on.
- Oh, really.
Would you mind getting
out of my way, please?
- Nothing would delight me
more, Madam,
But at the moment it's
a trifle inconvenient.
- I really ought to go and help.
- Oh good, Jolly D!
(man clapping)
- All right, all right.
They don't need your encouragement.
- Oh, what's it got
to do with you, eh?
Why don't you sit down?
Oh!
(fist smashing)
(woman gasps)
- Strong.
- Memories to cherish.
Ready tomorrow morning.
- Nevil, Nevil do you think I could
have three of those, please?
- Of course.
- Come on, Pinner, move yourself!
We've had enough trouble
with you for one evening!
- Might I remind
you I was requested
To appear at this little function?
It's turned out a treat, hasn't it?
- I'm not interested in
what you have to say.
Or you, either, you, you creature.
- Charming.
Are you ready to leave?
- Never mind about her.
Will you please get out of my way!
- All in good time, Madam!
- Hey, no, you don't!
- Leave me alone!
- Oh you can't do that to Wally!
- Get out of my way!
(hand slaps)
- [Mayor] Lady Jane.
- And you too.
(fist smashes)
(crowd gasps)
(Delia groans)
(Delia cries)
- (high-pitched) What a pity,
what a pity, what a pity.
(gentle instrumental music)
Does it hurt?
- No.
- Mm.
Looks a bit rough.
- Think so?
Take a look at this.
The Lady takes the count.
(Delia sighs)
(dramatic music)
- Mm.
(tongue clicks)
Pretty serious.
- She was going for you.
- Yeah, I can't help that.
Brawling in public.
It's like those
dreadful theatricals.
- But you said it was a good thing.
- Yes, but.
After all, I have a
reputation to consider.
- Reputation?
- Well, yes.
I mean, they'll never
have me in after this.
- Who won't?
- Them.
(laughing)
- Oh.
- Yes, still.
I think you'd better
start packing the begs.
- Think so?
- Mm-hm.
- Do you mind very much?
- Well, I mean, there's
the shop and everything.
- Do you want to stay here?
- I don't think we can after that.
- But do you want to?
- No, not really.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I'm going.
I've got a few things I'd
like to straighten out.
- It's all right.
I'll do it.
(lips smack softly)
See you tonight.
- Yes, all right.
I'll see you tonight.
(sombre music)
(majestic instrumental music)
(singing in foreign language)
(gentle instrumental music)
(waves crashing softly)
(tapping softly)
(singing in foreign language)
(upbeat band music)
- [Radio Announcer] Well,
that's all from me, housewives.
I've really enjoyed
my fortnight with you.
Next week I'm off to
entertain the lads in Kenya
So if any of you have sons
out there drop me a line.
On Monday, my old mate Jerry Bishop
will Be here to play your requests.
So don't forget be
nice to each other,
Don't drive too fast
and keep smiling.
(cheery instrumental music)
- [Radio Announcer]
It's five to 10.
Thou visiteth and
blesseth the earth
Thou makest it very plenteous
Thou crownest the
year with thy goodness
And thy clouds drop fatness
They shall drop upon the
dwellings of the wilderness
And the little hills shall
rejoice on every side
The folds shall
be full of sheep
The valleys also shall
stand so thick with corn
That they shall laugh and sing
- [Radio Announcer] And one
day there came a traveller
To the city of Jericho and
he sat beneath a fig tree.
He asked for a drink,
but the women told him
"There is enough for
our needs but no more".
The shade of the fig tree was cool,
but the guardians
of the law told him,
"You did not plant the fig tree
"neither did you nurture it
"and the shade is not for you."
The traveller moved on.
In the wilderness he spread his rug
And pressed his face to the sand.
Far away he heard the
music of the water
and saw the fig tree's shade,
and he murmured,
"I understand, I understand."
(dramatic orchestral music)
(soft beeping)
(upbeat rock and roll music)
- [Radio Announcer] Hello, me old mates. For
all of you from Bethnal Green to Brighton,
Here's Vince Groyne and the Peers.
(radio clicks)
- Good luck.
(utensil tinging)
(pot clatters)
(lid clatters)
(newspaper rustles)
(cereal clattering)
(toy thuds)
(milk splashing)
(cereal crackles)
(spoon rattles)
(knife scraping)
(teeth crunching)
- Oh!
I see Lord Purley's
getting married again.
I like the way he walks with
his hands behind his back.
- Who, Lord Purley?
- No, him.
I think it's ever so neat.
The little boy does it too.
Do you suppose he has lessons?
- I haven't the faintest idea.
(Delia laughs)
What's the joke?
- It's not a joke, but they
do have such a good time.
"Dublin rained bread
rolls last night.
"While corks popped beneath the chandeliers,
"debs and their escorts pelted their partners
"Across the dance floor.
"Champagne cascaded
from the balcony
"And brought the
cabaret to a full stop.
"Said John Biffy Lauderdale, second
cousin "to the Countess of Digbeth,
"We thought the artists should get
"their fair share of the champers."
(Delia laughs)
- What would you say if I
was to behave like that?
- You never would.
Oh, Lady Jane Caterham was grounded at London
airport yesterday when the bus carrying passengers
From the Paris plane broke
down 20 yards from reception.
Nothing daunted, the controversial
Lady Jane Got out and walked.
- No!
What, you mean she actually
got out and walked?
- Yes.
- What do you mean putting one foot
in front of the other and all that?
Isn't that marvellous,
I am deeply moved.
- Well, it's different for her.
She's a very busy woman.
- Yeah, I'm sure.
- And a very nice woman too.
- [Wally] I have no doubt.
- She's not a big stickup either.
We asked her to turn on the illumination.
She, she wrote back herself.
- Really?
Well, I'm sure we're all
highly honoured. I can't wait.
- Going to work then?
- It's time.
- You haven't folded your napkin.
(fingers thudding)
(dramatic instrumental music)
(lips smack)
(Wally sighs)
(bell ringing)
(chuckles)
(bicycle bell rings)
(door slams)
- That's two more teeth gone.
How do you expect an artist to work
with material like this?
- Not just now, please, Edward.
- Oh.
It's like that again, is it?
- Like what?
- There's a trough of
low pressure coming up.
- Yes, I heard.
- There's a gale warning too.
- Really?
- All right for some though.
Bournemouth had six point five
hours of sunshine yesterday.
- Did it?
- Yeah,
and it was up to 73 at Ramsgate.
In the shade, that is.
Very unusual for the time of year.
- How absolutely fascinating.
- Yes, you see it's all to do with this
cold front Coming in from the Atlantic.
- Get in the car.
- But I'm waiting for these teeth to set.
- Get in the car.
- But I'm an artist.
- And your public is waiting.
Now will you please get in the car!
- It's not loaded.
- Well, why isn't it loaded?
- Because I have these
teeth to stick in.
- Well, who cares about the teeth?
- I care.
- Well, I don't. I've got other things to worry about.
- I was only speaking as an artist.
- Edward, I have the greatest
respect for you as an artist.
I appreciate that a temperament such as yours
Must be treated with tact and delicacy.
Now will you please
load up the car!
- There's no need to shout.
You only had to ask.
(cheery instrumental music)
We really must get this
tuned, up you know.
(bicycle bell ringing)
(dramatic music)
- Morning, Mr. Mayor!
- That was Pinner, wasn't it?
- I believe it was, Mr. Mayor.
- We'll have to do
something about him.
(men chattering)
Are we all present?
- Mr. Collins isn't here.
- Never mind him. Is everyone else here?
-1 think so.
- All right then.
(bell dinging)
- Gentlemen.
Mr. Mayor.
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- [Men] Good morning, Mr. Mayor.
- I'd just like to say a few words
About next week's great gala occasion.
(men mutter softly)
As you all know, that distinguished
personality, Lady Jane Caterham,
has kindly consented to switch
on the illuminations.
And, though far from desiring
the glare of publicity,
I feel her gracious presence
will help
to put Piltdown on the map where it has rightly
belonged for so many years.
- [Men] Hear, hear.
- Ah, but how much
is it going to cost?
- Mr. Edwards, this is no
time for penny pinching.
We've got 60 years of
Piltdown to celebrate.
And, if I may say
so,
I don't think any of us will
come too badly out of it.
- I think you've done
very well, Mr. Mayor.
- That's very nice of you, Fred.
I feel we've all played our
part although,
of course, I can't say that for
every element in the town.
We've got a few people
we could well do without.
(cheery instrumental music)
- What's it gonna do, Wal?
- Rain!
There's a drop of low
pressure coming up!
- How's the glass?
- Going down!
- It's coming from the West!
- We'll have it by tea time!
Hello, Dollie,
anything for the 3:307?
- Oh, go on.
(laughing)
- It was at 13:25 hours that Nelson was mortally
wounded by a musket ball from the French ship
as depicted in the scene and made, I
might add, Entirely from sand and water.
The French then attempted to board,
but were driven back
by officers and men who rushed
up from the lower deck.
Not long afterwards,
the French ship...
surrendered.
The Victory was now
little more than a wreck.
Her hull severely damaged.
Her rigging badly cut and
few of her spars intact.
Go away, will you,
go away, go away!
(dog snorts)
Go on!
(dog barks)
Now, up to 15:50 hours, when
he lost his power of speech,
Nelson continued to receive
reports of the battle
and one of the last instructions To
Captain Hardy was to anchor the fleet.
Go on, now, would you please?
Go away, go on, be off!
This was also the occasion
when the great admiral,
mortally wounded and
about to breathe his last,
Called Captain Hardy to his
side and whispered in his ear.
Now some authorities have
it that what he said was,
"Kismet Hardy," which as the classical
scholars Have it means fate.
Others believe that what he actually
said was, "Kiss me, Hardy."
Which, of course,
is quite another matter.
(laughs)
Well, at any rate, Admiral
Nelson died at 16:40 hours.
- Oh, he's really got 'em today.
- Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you care to show
your appreciation, you'll find a receptacle
For coins just in
front of the sculpture.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
- Madam, would you kindly
remove that animal?
Thank you very much.
- Good morning!
- Well, hello.
- Force nine in the channel.
Horatio's lookin'
a bit rough today.
You ought to shove Lady Hamilton
in there. Brighten it up a bit.
- That is hardly in keeping.
- All right, please yourself.
- Ah, sir, Madam, what about a little picture
of the three of you with the little girl.
What a lovely little kid she is.
Bless her.
That's right, big smile, sir.
Memories of Piltdown.
Shan't be a second.
A little closer together.
That's right, and smile, darling.
You'll like Piltdown.
I won't be a second now.
Smile, darling, smile.
That's it, any second now.
Here we go.
Oy, Ted!
- Edward if you don't mind.
- Would you mind getting that
tent of yours out of the way?
- Tent?
Are you referring to this
piece of theatrical equipment?
- That thing you're carrying!
It's ruining my sitting!
- Sitting?
You mean those snapshots?
- Only amateurs take snapshots.
I offer my customers
a living likeness.
Memories to cherish.
Carefree days by the
sea captured forever.
- Come on, love.
- Now look what you've done!
Madam!
Will you get out of the
way, will you?
Madam, sir,
what about the little girl?
Now don't be like that, Madam.
- Am I bothering you?
- No.
- If you could see your way clear,
Do you think we could
possibly proceed to the beach?
- All right then.
- Thank you.
(mallet banging)
(mallet banging)
- He's here again.
(dramatic music)
- Oh no!
Not again, that's all we need!
Come on, come on.
Come on.
Got the new swazzle.
- How is it?
- (high-pitched) What a pity,
what a pity, what a pity!
- Sounds all right.
- Nothing like the old
one, you know.
- It's all right.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Oh well.
Time?
- It's almost time.
- Overture.
(cheery instrumental music)
Right.
Curtain.
Here we are again!
Hello!
- [Children] Hello.
- Hello.
- [Children] Hello.
Goodbye!
(children laugh)
My name is Joey the Clown and
I'm very squeezed to meet you!
Pleased to meet you.
Would you like to see Mr. Punch?
- [Children] Yes!
- Mr. Punch?
- [Punch] Yes?
- Will you come upstairs?
(squeaking)
- Hello!
Hello!
- Hello, Mr. Punch.
- Hello, Joey, hello!
- Now I've got to go
downstairs for a glass
of bread and dripping.
You stay here...
(banging)
And don't you go away.
- All right!
- Goodbye.
(squeaking)
- Goodbye!
(Punch sings in squeaks)
Hello!
- [Children] Hello.
- Judy?
- [Judy] Yes?
- Come on!
- Here I am.
- Oh, there's Judy!
Judy, give us a kiss.
- All right, stand over there.
One.
(Punch laughs)
- Suppose you've seen quite
a few changes in your time.
- Yes, it's not the same you know.
We used to do 10 shows a day.
- Get away.
- Mm.
- Course,
television killed it really.
- (high-pitched)
Oh, that was lovely!
Just like having the tooth out!
Mr. Punch,
would you look after the baby?
- What?
- There you are.
- Ooh, what a beautiful baby.
- Now, Mr. Punch, would
you nurse the baby for me?
- Huh?
- Be a good boy.
- Huh?
- [Judy] Bye-bye.
- [Punch] Bye-bye.
(Punch squeaks)
- Watch it much?
- What?
- Television?
- No, too much violence.
Very bad for the kids.
(stick banging)
(Punch laughing)
(people laughing)
- [Punch] That's the way to do it.
That's the way to do it.
(Punch laughs)
- There's no two ways
about as far I can see.
We've gotta move with the times.
- [Men] Hear, hear.
- Now then,
is there any further business?
- There's the question
of decorations.
- No question,
surely they'll be worn.
- Isn't it a little invidious?
- What do you mean invidious?
If you've won 'em you wear 'em.
- Yes, well, they didn't pin
them on everyone, you know.
Some of us had to stay at home.
- No one's getting at you, Jack.
- Ah, there was a job
of work to be done.
I remember Winston coming down...
- Alright, Jack, we all know.
You're one of the unsung heroes.
- Well,
if it hadn't been for my leg.
(men mutter)
I can feel it now, just
a touch of the East wind
And it doesn't half give me gyp.
- Yes, I don't know how you manage
To get around those
36 holes every Sunday.
(men laugh)
Well, the doctor said
I've got to keep moving.
- You've always had
to, haven't you, Jack?
- I don't know what
decorations you can put up,
but I reckon if they'd known
about your contribution
To the war effort, they'd
have sent you the iron cross!
(men laugh)
- Now look here, Jack!
- [Mayor] All right, that's enough.
- It's all very well, Arthur.
- I said, that's enough.
We've almost run
into drinking time.
- Yes.
(Punch squeaks)
- Come along, here we are.
Three for, here we are.
Three for.
Ready in 24 hours,
three for half a crown.
Now come along now.
Ah, you, sir.
Smile!
- Who killed Mr. Punch?
- [Children] A skeleton.
- A skellybones?
- [Children] Yes, yes.
- Oh, I don't like scallywagses.
You won't ever get me.
(squeaking)
Where?
(children shout)
Too far.
- Come along now,
three for half crown.
Ready in 24 hours.
Get your photographs
taken over here.
- He's out there.
- Who is?
- Nevil.
- Come along now,
three for half a crown.
- Go and get rid of him!
I'll take that.
- All right.
- Fine, fine.
All right.
- [Child] Hello.
- [Nevil] Here we are, Madam.
Here we are, get your
photographs taken here.
Come along now.
- He's out!
(children shout)
Where?
- Come alone now.
- A skallybone?
- [Children] Yes!
- Ah, here we are, Madam.
Ready in 24 hours.
Get your photographs
taken over here.
- Scallydog?
- Yes!
- Always here,
memories of Piltdown.
Get your photographs taken here.
Come along, sir and madam.
Why, look at that
baby you've got there.
- Look here, you're interrupting
a public performance!
- I'm not afraid of him!
- Ready in 24 hours.
Memories to cherish.
- [Joey] You know what
I'd do if I saw him?
- [Children] No!
- [Joey] I'd look him
straight in the face
And I'd say, now look here.
- Ooooh!
- Oh, he looks like
a lump of ice cream.
Here comes the coffin!
(children laugh)
There we are.
Come on, Mr. Punch.
In you go.
Get your tootsie-wootsies in.
Take him to the
semitootery and we'll
Sing a sad song to take him away.
(Wally sings happily)
(crowd applauding)
(in high-pitched
squeaks) What about that?
What about that?
Have you ever seen a worse example
Of unprofessional
behaviour in your life?
Wandering about, hanging
out cards like soap coupons.
I'll kill the...
- Hello there.
How's it going at Trafalgar?
- I don't like the look of it.
(coins rattles)
How did we do?
Nevil Shanks, society photographer.
Portraits by appointment
or while you wait.
I'll sort him out later.
They all gone?
- Think so.
- I'll have a look.
(playful music)
Oh no!
Trouble.
- I'll have that.
- Thank you.
Well, what do you want?
- You left the crocodile out.
- Who did?
- You left it out.
- Well, who says he has to be in?
- He's always in.
- Well, he wasn't in this time.
- Why not?
- Because it has been
a very difficult day!
- Will he be in this afternoon?
- If I want him to be in.
- Well, I want him to be in.
- Well, he probably will be in.
- Good!
- Well, er, I suggest we
adjourn to the Trident.
- Yes.
Not for long, I told Delia
I'd be back for lunch.
(bell ringing)
- Good morning.
- Oh.
Good morning, Mrs. Palmer.
Irene, a chair for the Mayoress.
- Now, it's about the gala night.
There was something
I meant to ask you.
Now, what was it?
- You thought I might be able
to help with the tableaux.
- Yes, well, I'm afraid
that's all been arranged.
- Oh, but you promised.
- I'm sorry, my dear,
but we had to get on
with things and the Committee felt,
in view of her experience,
Miss Ripper should
arrange the tableaux.
She's very good at that
sort of thing, you know.
- Well, of course,
if it's been arranged.
- But I did have
another suggestion.
- Yes?
- Well, I wondered if your husband
Would care to entertain us.
I mean, we are a seaside
resort and it would
Be so nice to have something
of the spirit of the place.
- Yes, well, I, I don't know.
I'll have to ask him.
- Must you?
(sighs) What a pity.
I've my list to
finish today and I'm
Afraid I really must know now.
- Well, I, I really don't know.
You see, he's very...
- After all, my dear,
it's quite an honour.
We're having some very
distinguished company.
- Yes, I know, Lady Caterham.
Oh, I think she's marvellous.
I should love to meet her.
- Well,
I daresay that could be arranged
if you speak to Mr. Pinner.
- Well,...
Yes, he'll do it.
He'll be delighted to do it.
- Gala Week, September
the Fifth to the 12th.
Carnivals,
tableaux and illuminations.
What a load of rubbish.
I wouldn't be seen
dead near that lot.
- I think it might be rather gay.
- Gay?
Are you out of your mind?
This is Piltdown Bay, the
pearl of the Dogger Bank.
You'll get no gaiety here.
(men laugh)
I'll lay you six to four that's
the one about the Eskimo.
- So the girl said
to this Eskimo...
(men laugh)
Well, come on now, Fred.
How did the meeting
go this morning?
- Well, I'm sworn to
secrecy, of course,
but between you and
me and the cake post
I think we should
all do very nicely.
- What'll you have?
- Oh, I'll have another
large pink gin, please.
- If he must water the
beer, I do wish he
wouldn't use seawater.
- I can't think why we come here.
- All the best people come here.
Ah.
The society photographer.
- Nice weather for ducks.
Well, it's raining.
- We know it's raining.
- You all covered up?
- Quite adequately.
- Well, that's all right
then, isn't it?
- I'm surprised
you've got the nerve
to show your face in here after
That little exhibition
this morning.
- Well, I'm temperamental.
And it's all your fault anyway.
- My fault?
- You interfered with my pose.
- I did not interfere
with your pose.
- Oh yes, you did.
- Oh no, I didn't.
- You and that tent of yours.
- It is not a tent.
- Well, whatever it is,
it destroyed the mood.
(tapping)
- Are you buying the drinks then?
- Well, of course.
Good grief.
(clears throat)
- Service.
- Be careful, he might hear you.
(clears throat)
(clears throat)
Without wishing to interrupt
your intellectual conversation,
I wonder if you could
see your way clear
To providing a little
service this side of the bar.
- I'll be with you in a minute.
- Do you mind?
This is a private conversation.
- Come here often?
(shutter slams)
Cheap dry return, workman's please.
Normal service will be
resumed as soon as possible.
Seats at all prices.
Try using your feet.
- I'll get it!
- Any more for the wall game?
- All right,
you've had your little joke.
Standing on the furniture
is not permitted!
- Ah, mine host.
Come landlord, fill the flowing
bowl, the cup of good cheer.
Let joy be un...
- Never mind about that.
Let us have you down.
- If you insist.
- I do insist.
Interfering with the
comfort of my clientele.
Well, what's it to be anyway?
- (stammers) What's
it gonna be then?
- A large whiskey.
- I'll have a bitter.
- A large whiskey, a small bitter.
- A large bitter.
- And I'll have a glass of Superb.
- A large whiskey, a large bitter,
A large glass of Superb, and
half a pint of mild, please.
I don't mind paying for your drink,
But there's no need
to go raving mad.
- Under the circumstances,
I think you've
got off this very lightly.
- Very lightly.
- Oh yeah?
Well, I've never seen
you drink a whole pint
of bitter before.
- Well, you will now.
- That'll be 10 and
threepence if you please.
(bell ringing)
- Pelting down out there.
Took me 10 minutes to get on a bus.
- Oh.
Oh, well, I suppose Mr.
Pinner will be late.
I better go and turn the oven down.
- No, he can't be working.
Not a soul on the front.
- Oh.
No, well, I suppose he's
sheltering somewhere.
Mr. Pinner knows how to
take care of himself.
- Well, cheerio then.
- [Nevil] Cheers.
(register dinging)
(men chattering)
- Well,
what would you gentlemen like?
- I'll have a pound out the till!
(men laugh)
- Hello,
the Yaks are with us again.
- The Yaks?
- It's an organisation, Edward.
- I've never met one.
- Of course, you have, the
place is stiff with them.
Hang on.
(knocking softly)
(knocking)
- Pardon me, is the Monarch
of the Glen at home?
(glass shattering)
(men laugh)
- That's nice, isn't it?
Nice class of clientele
you've got here.
Breaking the place up.
You wanna tell them to watch it.
(men chuckle)
Oh dear.
Mm.
Delicious.
Well, I'd like to
return the compliment.
Unfortunately, I have to dash.
Don't forget, up the Yaks!
(whistling)
- You know.
- He really is a
most amusing fellow.
- Oh yes, very droll.
(storm rages)
(gentle instrumental music)
- There's no point in
hanging about, you know!
You can't expect a performance
When it's coming down like this.
Well, can you?
You better get off home then!
All right, come on over here.
Well, come on, I won't eat you.
Why aren't you at home?
- I'm waiting for it to stop.
- Where do you live?
- 42 Banjo Road.
- That's on the bus route.
- I haven't got any money.
- How much is it?
- Threepence, half price.
- Here you are.
Why not?
- Mum said I wasn't to take
money from strange men.
- But I'm not a strange man.
You see me every day of the week.
This is ridiculous.
- I'll give it to you back.
- I should hope so.
- Where's the bus stop?
- In Market Street.
- All right, I'll take you there.
- There's no need!
- I know there isn't,
it's on my way.
- All right then.
(gentle music)
- He is late, isn't he, Mrs.
Pinner?
Wouldn't have thought
it would have taken him
As long as this to
get up from the front.
- No, well, I expect
he's discussing business.
- Still,
he might have let you know.
- Have you brought those boxes up
From the basement yet, Miss Foster?
- No, Madam.
- Well, would you do it?
Now, please.
(storm raging)
(wind howling)
- What's the matter, you hungry?
- Yes.
- All right,
won't last long anyway.
- Good afternoon.
(hat slapping)
Good afternoon.
What's it to be?
Shepherd's Delight, Sunset Special?
Rainbow Treat or Hopskotch Dainty?
- Oh, I'll just have a bowl
of hot soup, I think, please.
- We don't do soup, sir.
- I'll just have a cup of tea.
- We don't do tea either, sir.
- Oh.
Well, what would you like?
- I'll have a Piltdown Glory.
Two scoops of luscious vanilla.
Two scoops of toasty chocolate.
Succulent sliced banana, juicy
peach fingers in pure cane
Syrup swimming in
super-smooth butter fat cream.
Ooh, and a cherry!
- And a cherry.
And for you, sir?
- The same.
(spoon clatters)
(contents rattle)
(clears throat)
(cheery instrumental music)
(teeth crunching)
- Straw please.
(popping)
- That's the way to do it.
- Just a minute.
Five shillings.
(Wally chuckles)
- [Man] There's only a few of you.
Now's the time to get in.
There's only a few of you.
Bingo, now's the time to get in.
Now drowning.
Play it again, one line any way
Or one on each in four
corners, all right?
Are you going to locate
the first tunnel?
(bell dinging)
- Strong.
- [Man] On the white
56, 56 on the white.
On the green line, 31.
- Any luck?
- No.
- Oh.
- How about you?
- Strong.
- Oh, very good.
Have a sweet.
- Thank you.
- [Man] On the red, number nine.
Nine on the red.
(machine clatters)
(machine clatters)
That's awfully good,
Nevil, awfully good.
Look, er, a little
fresh air, I think, you?
Come on.
- [Man] Any moment now, it's
gonna go back to the winner.
- Here we are.
- Thank you very much.
- Afternoon.
- Bye-bye.
(bell rings)
- Oh, we were wondering
what happened to you?
- Yes, I got held up.
How is Mrs. Pinner?
- Waiting.
(dramatic music)
- Mm-hmm.
(suspenseful music)
- Ooh!
- Hello.
- Do you know the time?
- Yeah, I'm a bit late.
I'm sorry.
- You are precisely one
hour and 10 minutes late.
I suppose they haven't got
clocks in your part of the town.
- Yes, but I got a bit tied
up, you know.
- And you can tell the time?
- Yes, I can tell the time.
- Well, then, what happened?
You were supposed to
be back for lunch.
I've been cooking
there all morning.
You've got no consideration.
Not good manners.
- Oh, yes, we know about manners.
- You don't!
- Of course,
we don't all have the benefit
Of your social contacts, do we?
Is the wine quite chill
enough, Madam?
Is it quite satisfactory
to the duchess?
- Very funny.
- How about a touch of pate?
Nothing like it after
a day on the moors.
- When you're ready.
Well, what's the matter with it?
- Nothing, I just can't
eat it, that's all.
- Why not?
- I just had a Piltdown Glory.
- A what?
- A Piltdown Glory.
It's two scoops of
luscious vanilla.
Two scoops of flaky chocolate.
Succulent sliced
bananas all swimming
In super-smooth butterfat cream.
- I suppose I should ask why.
- Yeah, well,
there was this boy, you see,
And he hadn't got his bus
fare and it was raining.
And there was a
shop and we went in.
- And you had a Piltdown Glory.
You're supposed to be a
grown man, responsible.
When I married you, I
thought you were gonna
Make something of yourself,
but you never did.
We've traipsed around
all these years.
I've lost count of the
furnished rooms we've
Lived in with those
dreadful theatricals.
And now we've got a chance to put
Down some roots among
a nice class of people.
Oh, don't you understand!
If you want to get on in the world
you've got to fit in with people.
But you don't do anything,
you leave it all to me.
It's only because of me
they put up with you at all.
- Have my own friends.
- Oh, that's not what I mean.
I mean, the people that
count in this town.
It's only because of
me they've asked you
to do this gala night.
- Gala night?
I shouldn't think so,
I wouldn't touch it.
- Well, it's...
It's too late now.
I said you would.
- You're joking.
- No, I'm not.
The Mayoress has
put your name down.
- Well, she can just
rub it right out again.
- But I promised.
- I don't care what you promised.
I have no intention whatsoever of
Appearing in that little function.
- Do you want to
make me look a fool?
- Would you really
like me to answer that?
- No.
- No, I should think not.
I can just hear you
with the Mayoress.
"Oh, yes, Mrs. Palmer.
"Oh, no, Mrs. Palmer.
"Oh, certainly, he'd be delighted
"To do the gala night, Mrs. Palmer.
"Oh, yeah, three bags full, Mrs.
Palmer."
You may inform anyone
that's interested
That Mr. Pinner
declines the invitation.
- It's all arranged.
They'll be delivering
the menus this afternoon.
I've ordered the flowers and
I've worked out the seating.
Good afternoon.
- (together) Good afternoon, Mrs.
Palmer.
- Oh, and I had another idea.
I've got that Punch and
Judy man to come along.
- Punch and Judy man?
- Yes, what's his name?
Mr. um...
- Not Pinner?
- Yes.
- Very well, gentlemen,
we'll continue
With our discussion in 15 minutes.
- All right, Arthur.
- All right, Mr Mayor.
- (together) Good afternoon, Mrs.
Palmer.
- [Mayoress] Good afternoon.
- What do you mean by
bringing that wastrel into it?
- Well, you told me to go
ahead with the arrangements.
I thought we ought to stick
to the spirit of the occasion.
- Spirit of the occasion?
- That's what I said.
After all, we are supposed to be
Celebrating 60 years of Piltdown.
- And this is your
idea of a celebration?
Pinner?
He's just the type that's
holding the town back
and you encourage him?
- I haven't encouraged anybody.
I've simply arranged with his
wife for him to come along.
- Well,
you can just go straight back
And arrange for him to stay away.
- I can't do that.
You're not the only one with
responsibilities, you know.
- All right, all right.
If it's done, it's done.
But mark my words, they're
just trouble that lot.
Nothing but trouble.
- Have you got a minute?
- Oh, hello.
Certainly, what is it?
- Just a quick word,
but it's important.
- Oh, I see.
Just a moment.
I always have a cup
of tea at this hour.
Shall we go?
- Yes.
(dog barking)
- Oh, er, come along in then.
- Do you know I've never
been in here before?
- Mm?
Good lord, nor you have.
- Mm-hmm.
I never knew your name was Charles.
- Oh, yes, yes.
After my uncle,
on my mother's side.
He was a master mariner.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yes, yes.
Would you like to sit?
- Oh, that's fine.
- Oh, good, good, good.
Now I think you're gonna like this.
It's the same blend that
we used to have at home.
Darjeeling with a
trace of Soochong.
- Very nice.
Well,
you're pretty well set up here.
- Oh, yes, it's quite comfortable.
Of course, it's not
quite like a home, but...
Well, it has its compensations.
- You're very lucky.
You want to hang on to it.
Do you know what
happened to me today?
- No.
- I went home to lunch
and I was a little late,
I'll admit that, but I
was unavoidably detained.
- Yeah.
- Before I can open me
mouth, I find that I
Am put down for the Piltdown Gala.
- Oh no.
- Yeah.
Delia fixed it behind me back.
- Oh.
- Got to get in with a nice
class of people she says.
No more of these
dreadful theatricals.
You've got to get on in the world.
- Milk?
- Yes, please.
We've got to make
something of ourselves.
No more of this traipsing around.
We've got to put down roots.
- Sugar?
- Two, please.
I ask you, can you imagine me stuck
Between Lady Jane Caterham and
the Mayoress of Piltdown Bay?
It's not funny.
It's not my idea of a night out.
Is it yours?
- Good grief, no.
- This is very good.
Oh, you'll never get
lumbered like this.
You're on your own.
- Yes.
- [Wally] You don't
know how lucky you are.
- Well, that's a matter of opinion.
It can be rather lonely.
- Surely you don't get lonely.
[ tell you this, I'd change places
With you any day of the week.
- Really?
- You've got your freedom.
- Oh, yes.
- Nobody nagging you to
make something of yourself.
- Oh, no, certainly not.
- You made a very wise
decision to stay single.
- Yes, well...
Actually it wasn't my decision.
The lady said no.
- I see.
- Well,
it's probably all for the best.
As I understand it, marriage
is a matter of give and take.
Not all of us are equipped
for that sort of thing.
Another cup?
- No, thank you.
What am I gonna do about this gala?
After all, it is Delia's fault.
Nobody can blame me
if I turned it in.
- Oh no, nobody's gonna blame you.
- I can simply tell them
I'm not gonna do it.
I can tell Delia that I'm
not going through with it.
I could, couldn't I7?
- Yes, you could.
But you know I can't help
feeling it's really a matter
Of your own conscience, isn't it?
- Conscience.
Thanks very much for the tea.
I'll give your regards to Delia.
(fast-paced, cheery music)
(Punch squeaking)
- I say,
you're going it a bit today.
Steady on.
Have you gone raving mad?
What's the matter with you?
It's the policeman now.
- Put her back!
(Punch squeaking)
Put her back!
(Punch laughing)
- Well, I don't see what's
so terrible about it.
You appear before
the public every day.
- Not that public.
- There's nothing wrong with them.
- Oh, I know.
They're a very nice
class of people.
- Well, so they are.
You've never even spoken to them.
You don't give anyone a chance.
- I never give anybody a chance?
You're fine one to talk.
You fixed me up for this
high class brawl tomorrow
Without even consulting me?
How do you know I didn't have
another social engagement?
- You?
When did you ever have
a social engagement?
- I get around a bit.
- The public bar of
the Trident I suppose
With all those other
influential citizens.
- No need to adopt
that tone of voice.
They're a lot better
than the mob you like.
Hmm.
So much for the undercoat.
- It wouldn't do any harm
if some other people I knew
Took an interest in
their appearance.
- How many pots of
that stuff do you
Manage to get through in a year?
Let's see,
there's one every two weeks
and there's 52 weeks in the year
At five bob a time.
That's about six
pounds two shillings
Per annum you're
spending on that stuff.
That works out at
about half a dollar
A square inch I say.
- You don't pay for it.
- Hello.
What's all this then?
Etiquette For All.
Common Courtesy For Everyday Use.
Let's have a look at
this then, where are we?
Ah.
"In writing to an Archbishop,
a correspondent would begin
"My Lord Archbishop, and end,
I remain, My Lord Archbishop,
"Your Grace's most
obedient servant.
Now, that's very useful.
I've been meaning to
write to him for ages.
- Ha ha.
- Ah.
Here's a valuable
piece of information.
"Women servants should
wear muslin aprons,
"White, in brackets, and
collar, cap and cuffs.
"They should be
quick-sighted, deft-handed
"and soft of foot."
It's no good, Maud,
you'll have to go.
We can't have those great plates
Banging round the furniture.
- I should read on
a bit if I were you.
You might pick up
a few useful tips.
- Yeah, I think at the
worst it's marvellous.
Let's see now,
what else have we got here?
Oh, now, ah.
What about this?
"Cocktail parties depend
for their success mainly
"on the personality
of the hostess."
Darling, how absolutely
divine of you to come.
Do sit down,
I must mix you a camel's leg.
- At least it's not
a Piltdown Glory.
- Hm.
The invisible man!
- Do you really find it so funny?
- No, it's not.
- I do try, you know.
You don't make it very easy for me.
- What do you want me to do?
- I want you to
come tomorrow night.
[t's not much to ask.
It would mean a lot to me.
- Oh, I don't know, I've
seen some of these things.
They're not all they're
cracked up to be, you know.
You might be disappointed.
- I'll take a chance on that.
It would make such a difference.
You don't know what a
difference it would make.
- All right, I'll think about it.
- It could make such
a difference to us.
- I've said I'll think about it.
- You will come, won't you?
- Go to sleep.
- But you'll think about it.
- I've said I'll think about it.
Now could we get some sleep?
(gentle instrumental music)
(switch clicks)
(Delia sighs)
(cereal clatters)
- Let me.
(water splashes)
(knife scratches)
Tea all right, dear?
- Yes.
- It's a new kind.
- Darjeeling with a
touch of Soochong.
- How did you know?
-1 had some yesterday.
- Oh, where?
- Down at...
Does it matter?
- I only wondered.
You will do it, won't you?
- Yes, yes, all right then.
I'll do it.
- Oh, thank you.
(lips smack)
It'll be a wonderful
evening, you'll see.
- I hope so.
(Wally sighs)
I'll see you tonight then.
- There we are.
See you tonight!
(bell rings)
(dramatic instrumental music)
- [Wally Voiceover] I
must be stark raving mad!
Yes, mad.
I can't explain it.
I wonder if I've got a temperature.
I wouldn't be surprised.
Gala night at Piltdown Bay!
60 years of sheer misery!
Rain, rain, that might stop it.
No.
No, not a hope.
No, not that lot.
You...
Fool, fool, fool, fool!
And that didn't help either.
(sighs)
Oh, good day, Lady Mayoress.
Yes, Mrs. Palmer.
Of course, Mrs. Palmer.
Good luck, Mrs. Palmer.
Some tea?
China, of course.
How charming.
How very delightful.
(whimpers)
Drop your litter in the bin.
Otherwise it would be a sin.
She looked very sweet as
she walked down the street.
And that's why darkies are born.
- Good morning, sir.
May I help you?
- I want to buy a handkerchief.
- Certainly, sir.
What kind?
- This one will do, that's fine.
- Would you like me to...
- No, no, that's all
right, that's all right.
- That one is one guinea.
- Is it?
One guinea.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Il imagine this is fully insured?
(lady sighs)
(engine revving)
(horn honks)
(playful instrumental music)
Why not one?
What about a light Moselle?
Slightly triangular.
Or a little diagonal.
Light and flowery.
Or would you like
a big red Burgundy?
(grunts softly)
Diagonal.
Big red Burgundy.
(tyres screech)
(drums banging)
(dog barking)
It's all right for you!
And he's only a dog.
At the moment, I wouldn't
mind being a dog.
(Wally barks softly)
Ah.
Er.
I seem to have lost
me swazzle somewhere.
Er.
Yes.
Er, probably left it in the hut.
Somewhere about, I suppose.
It was the best one, you know.
The one I usually use.
Um.
Yes, probably left it in the hut.
Incidentally, I'm doing the gala.
- I'm sure Delia will be pleased.
- Delighted.
- Oh, these things have a way
of turning out quite well.
- Do they?
- Hm?
Oh, yes, quite well.
- You wouldn't mind
going yourself then?
- I've not been invited.
- Well, you have now.
I shall be working,
you can take Delia.
Yep, yep, yep.
- Black tie.
- But, Wally.
- Seven o'clock.
- All right, if you insist.
- Well,
it's really a matter for one's
own conscience, isn't it?
(people cheering)
(man whistles)
(people cheer loudly)
- Stop it, Wally, stop it!
Oh, stop it!
It's not for you,
it's for Lady Jane.
You do embarrass me.
- My ticket.
- All right.
All right?
- All right.
- Take her in with that.
- Good.
- I'll see you later.
- Why does he have to
carry on like that?
- My good man.
Where is the artist's
entrance, please?
- Round the back.
- That's a good start, isn't it?
(chuckles)
(smooth band music)
- [Announcer] My Lord
and Lady Plowright.
- So glad you could come.
- Thank you.
- How do you do?
- Meet my town clerk.
- Good evening, my lord.
- Good evening to you.
- This way, please.
- Mr. and Mrs. Walter Pinner.
Mrs. Walter Pinner and
Mr. Charles Alfred Ford.
Mrs. Walter Pinner and
Mr. Charles Arthur Ford.
- Hello.
Oh, I say.
- Over there, please.
- Delia.
- Excuse me, I beg your pardon.
But she's over there.
- Yes, I know, I know.
- I'm supposed to meet her.
- Come on, I'm sure you will.
- The Lady Mayoress said to
me I'm definitely meeting her.
She promised.
- I do appreciate that.
It's rather crowded here.
Excuse me, so sorry.
Try and get in.
Would you mind just?
Yes, now what would you like?
- I don't know.
- Well, a glass of sherry perhaps?
- No, no, thank you.
[, I think I'll have a
gin, a large one!
- What we all say is it's a
grand place for the family.
You know, a nice homely place
for mum, dad and the kids.
I don't know why folks
bother flocking off
to these foreign parts.
Whatever they've got,
Piltdown can provide.
- Can't wait to see the casino.
- The bowling green
and the promenade
And the garden of remembrance,
very peaceful there.
- Ah, they looking
after you all right?
- Yes, yes, splendidly.
- Good.
- Another glass of champagne?
- Yes, that would be nice.
- Waiter.
I chose it myself, you know.
Nothing but the best.
- Where's the dressing room please?
- Third floor.
- Ah.
(chuckles)
Isn't that typical?
We'll have to walk.
- But I've got all this stuff.
- Oh, stop complaining.
It'll do you good, come on.
Watch it, watch it now.
Come on.
That's it, that's it.
(laughing)
(people chattering)
- [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, your attention please.
The time is nearly eight o'clock.
In a few moments,
His Worship, the Mayor,
will proceed to the balcony to
Introduce our guest of honour!
(people cheer)
- Lady Mayoress.
- Over here.
- Lady Mayoress!
(crowd applauds)
- Haven't you pawned
your chain yet, Arthur?
- He will tomorrow!
(laughing)
- My friends and fellow citizens,
Tonight is the 60th
anniversary or our fair town.
And as your mayor, I consider
it to be a great honour
and privilege to welcome on
your behalf our distinguished,
and if I may say so,
very lovely guest
Of honour to join our festivities.
(crowd applauds)
In a few moments, I will
ask her to throw the switch,
which will light up
the illuminations,
a magnificent display
especially designed by the head
Of our carnival committee,
Mr. Reginald Fletcher.
(applauding)
But before she does so, I will
ask her to say a few words.
Lady Jane Caterham.
(crowd applauds)
(crowd cheers)
- Good evening.
(crowd cheers)
- When your mayor
invited me to visit you
In your famous old town,
I was deeply honoured.
(razor buzzes)
All of us can
Recall the happy days we
spent as children, by the sea.
And the sea, as we all
know, is a deep part
Of our island heritage.
We are a nation of sailors.
Salt water runs in our blood.
Drake, Raleigh, and Nelson,
these names which we cherish,
They were the guardians
of our sea-girt isle.
And here in Piltdown,
the tradition lingers,
Still flourishes.
- Hear, hear.
(crowd applauds)
- We of us who live in the
great cities of this land
seldom think of the
hardships and the discomforts
Which are the daily lot
of you brave fisher folk.
But true to the spirit
of Merrie England,
You well know how to make merry.
(applauding)
And it is in this
spirit that I am happy
To join with you here tonight.
60 years of Piltdown is
indeed something to celebrate.
May your next 60 years
be as happy as the last.
May the trade winds forever waft
Gently over your golden beaches.
And may your nets continue to bulge
With the silver harvest of the sea.
- Bravo.
(crowd applauds)
(crowd cheers)
- And now I take great
pleasure in switching
On the Piltdown illuminations.
(crowd applauds)
(crowd cheers)
Switch, switch.
Switch.
- Hand the lady the switch.
(switch clicks)
(crowd gasps)
(majestic music)
- Hooray, more, more, encore!
Hup, hup!
(razor buzzes)
(man whistles)
(man whistles)
(fist knocking)
- What's going on?
- It was all right this afternoon.
- Well, it's not all right now.
It's sheer incompetence.
I wouldn't trust
you to mend a fuse.
Can't you hear them
laughing out there?
It's your fault,
do something about it.
- I told you to stick to
your fireworks, Arthur!
- Very pretty.
- Thanks.
I think we might have a drink now.
- Drink, yes.
(people chattering)
- Ah, Mrs. Peele, number 40.
- Er, Lord Taylor,
number eight, sir.
- Number 14.
- 147
- Number 14.
- I believe we're number nine.
- I'm sorry about this, Delia.
- Oh, don't worry.
- I expect there's
been some mistake.
- Yes, I know, but seated near
this we can't see anything.
- Hey, Wal.
They didn't half make a
mess of the illuminations.
- Really?
(chuckling)
I'm not a bit surprised,
it's typical Piltdown.
- Yes.
Don't forget to lay
up that other place.
- No, run on.
- Here he is.
- It's all right.
Well, this is cosy, isn't it?
How was Lady Jane then?
Well, if you were with us
you would know, wouldn't you?
- Well, I had other things to do.
- Wally.
- Well.
How was she?
What did she say to you?
- I wasn't introduced.
- Why not?
- Diverted, I believe.
Not on the list.
It's all right, it doesn't matter.
- It matters for you.
This is the main reason you wanted to come here.
Well, that's it, we're off.
- Don't make a scene.
Sit down.
- I wouldn't advise it.
- Why not?
- The chair's gone.
- Gone?
- Got your irons, Wal.
- Oh, get us a chair, will you?
- You'll get me the sack, you will.
(gavel banging)
- My lords, ladies and gentlemen.
Please be upstanding to
receive His Worship, The Mayor,
And his charming guest of honour.
(crowd applauds)
- Oh.
- Well, as we're staying,
let's see what we're having.
- It's lovely, look.
- Le Delice de Sole Piltdown.
A chat from the Mayor.
And the Punch and Judy
presented by W. Pinner.
I'm looking forward to that.
How do you set these things out?
- Delia.
- [Delia] No, no, not for me.
Thank you.
- No?
(gavel banging)
- My lords, Reverend sir,
ladies and gentlemen,
Pray silence for your chairman,
His Worship, the Mayor.
- You know what he is, don't you?
(applauding)
- My Lords, Reverend sir,
ladies and gentlemen,
I don't propose to detain you long.
Now that we've wined and dined,
very handsomely if I may say so,
I think we should consider what has
Made the evening such a success.
The secret is good citizenship.
And in Piltdown, that also
means good fellowship.
We meet here as friends,
friendly rivals perhaps
in the field of commerce,
but certain allies
In the fight for a
greater Piltdown.
60 years is what we celebrate.
60 even more glorious years
is what we anticipate.
- [Audience] Hear, hear.
- But we mustn't forget
this is a gala occasion.
So I'll ask you all
to take the floor
To the music of our own
Percy Barlow and the Rebels.
(applauding)
And, if she'll oblige,
I'll open the festivities
With our delightful guest.
- [Fletcher] Good old Arthur.
(cheery band music)
- Do you wanna dance?
- Oh, yes, please.
- I must say,
I expected an older man.
- We're very progressive
here, you know.
- You had a couple drinks
tonight, didn't you?
- No, why?
- Yes, you did, I can tell.
- Well, I was nervous.
Does it show?
- No, no, only to me.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, of course I'm
sure, you're fine.
What does it matter anyway?
- Well, wouldn't like
anyone 10 think I was...
- Who cares about
them, look at 'em.
- I like a man who leads.
- I wouldn't mind leading you.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
- Look at you.
Ah, you never could
dance, could you?
- Madam, have you never
experienced the rare delight
Of the Pinner left-hand
down feather reverse turn?
- I don't believe
I've had that honour.
- Then you're in, kid.
- Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
you clumsy bloody fool!
Why don't you look
where you're going?
You've ruined my stockings.
- I'm terribly sorry.
It was an accident.
- Yes, well everything
is an accident here.
I wouldn't trust anyone
in this ghastly town
To do anything right.
- [Wally] If you'd been
looking where you were going...
- This is entirely your fault.
I hold you responsible.
Charging about the floor
with no consideration.
- Ah, the voice of Piltdown!
I'm terribly sorry to
have to prise you apart
In the middle of your civic duties.
- Don't you dare
talk to me like that!
- Would you mind taking
me away from this rabble?
- Charming.
- Oh, you insulted her,
you insulted the Mayor!
You, you ruined everything!
(sobbing)
- Mr. Drummer, please.
(fast-paced drum banging)
(cymbals banging)
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's cabaret time!
(applauding)
- It's all homegrown talent.
They're really excellent, you know.
- But here at Piltdown we
like it a little different,
As the bishop said, to the actress.
(laughing)
But seriously,
ladies and gentlemen,
And I would like to be
serious, for a moment.
We are here to celebrate
60 glorious years
in the history of our own town,
and I say our town,
ladies and gentlemen,
because after 15 years amongst you,
I feel that I belong here.
- Two more large brandies, please.
- Hey, bring the bottle.
- [Announcer] It's a happy time...
- Very good, sir.
- Ladies and gentlemen.
And now just to show you
how things used to be,
We turn back the clock for
the Punch and Judy Man.
W. Pinner assisted by E. Cox.
(applauding)
(cheery band music)
- Don't tell me you actually
employ people like that here.
- Here we go then.
Into the valley of death.
(light applauding)
Evening, Percy.
All right then.
Let's get it over with.
- That's a charming group.
Hold it now, smile.
Thank you.
Here you go.
Seven and six for three copies.
Moments to cherish.
Here we are, gents.
Three copies for 15 shillings.
Memories to cherish.
Thank you.
(paper ripping)
Well, that's nice, isn't it?
- Go away.
- Oy, right oh!
- Dobedobedobedo!
Dobedobedobedo, here we are again!
Hello!
- Hello!
- Hello.
Goodbye.
- Seriously?
That's a short show.
I want my money back.
- Be quiet, George.
- [George] Well!
- My name is Joey the
Clown and I'm very
Squeezed to meet you.
(people chattering)
Squeezed to meet you!
We've got the cream of
society here tonight.
Would you like to see Mr. Punch?
- No!
- Well, you're going to.
- It's all going wrong.
- Mr. Punch?
- Huh?
- Hello, Mr. Punch.
- Hello, Joey.
- Now, I've got to go downstairs
For a glass of bread and dripping.
- I'd like one too.
(Punch squeaks)
- Hello!
- Judy!
- [Judy] Yes?
- Come up!
- [Judy] Here I am.
- Here's Judy.
Give us a kiss!
- [Judy] No.
- I want a kiss.
(laughing)
- I'd go and claim your
rights, old boy, if I were you.
Faint heart and all that.
(laughing)
(Punch laughs)
- Wait for it, here he comes.
- No.
- I want a kiss.
- What's he doing?
He's put his glass on the stage.
- Has he, well,
we'll soon deal with that.
Good health.
- Where's it gone?
Someone's stolen my drink.
- I'll do him in a minute.
- No, let me.
- [George] Take my drink.
(crunching)
Oh!
(Punch squeaks)
(stick banging)
(laughing)
- No idea how to behave.
Where I come from we'd
have thrown things at him.
- Really?
(belches)
- What's this for?
- Ammunition.
(Punch laughs)
- [Man] Oh, yes!
(glasses clinging)
(people chattering)
- Well, that's nice, isn't it?
(people chattering)
(man laughing)
- All right, that's it.
I am leaving.
- You can't!
- Just watch me.
- You can't leave like this.
- I most certainly can.
- Please, please,
this is most unseemly.
Most un-Christian!
(plates crash)
- What is going on?
(guests laughing)
(water squirting)
That is the end.
I wouldn't bother
about a collection.
Come on, we're off, and
I hope she's satisfied.
- One final volley.
- He's still got my drink.
- [Man] George, George.
- Well, what about my committee?
- I don't care about
your committee.
I don't care about Piltdown,
and I don't care about you.
Now get out of my way, please.
- Hang on, what's this?
Hang on.
- Oh, really.
Would you mind getting
out of my way, please?
- Nothing would delight me
more, Madam,
But at the moment it's
a trifle inconvenient.
- I really ought to go and help.
- Oh good, Jolly D!
(man clapping)
- All right, all right.
They don't need your encouragement.
- Oh, what's it got
to do with you, eh?
Why don't you sit down?
Oh!
(fist smashing)
(woman gasps)
- Strong.
- Memories to cherish.
Ready tomorrow morning.
- Nevil, Nevil do you think I could
have three of those, please?
- Of course.
- Come on, Pinner, move yourself!
We've had enough trouble
with you for one evening!
- Might I remind
you I was requested
To appear at this little function?
It's turned out a treat, hasn't it?
- I'm not interested in
what you have to say.
Or you, either, you, you creature.
- Charming.
Are you ready to leave?
- Never mind about her.
Will you please get out of my way!
- All in good time, Madam!
- Hey, no, you don't!
- Leave me alone!
- Oh you can't do that to Wally!
- Get out of my way!
(hand slaps)
- [Mayor] Lady Jane.
- And you too.
(fist smashes)
(crowd gasps)
(Delia groans)
(Delia cries)
- (high-pitched) What a pity,
what a pity, what a pity.
(gentle instrumental music)
Does it hurt?
- No.
- Mm.
Looks a bit rough.
- Think so?
Take a look at this.
The Lady takes the count.
(Delia sighs)
(dramatic music)
- Mm.
(tongue clicks)
Pretty serious.
- She was going for you.
- Yeah, I can't help that.
Brawling in public.
It's like those
dreadful theatricals.
- But you said it was a good thing.
- Yes, but.
After all, I have a
reputation to consider.
- Reputation?
- Well, yes.
I mean, they'll never
have me in after this.
- Who won't?
- Them.
(laughing)
- Oh.
- Yes, still.
I think you'd better
start packing the begs.
- Think so?
- Mm-hm.
- Do you mind very much?
- Well, I mean, there's
the shop and everything.
- Do you want to stay here?
- I don't think we can after that.
- But do you want to?
- No, not really.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I'm going.
I've got a few things I'd
like to straighten out.
- It's all right.
I'll do it.
(lips smack softly)
See you tonight.
- Yes, all right.
I'll see you tonight.
(sombre music)
(majestic instrumental music)
(singing in foreign language)